3-conflict-resolution

Part 3

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

The Skills You Need Guide to Interpersonal Skills

The Skills You Need Guide to Interpersonal Skills

CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND MEDIATION Skills You Need This is one of a series of eBooks by Skills You Need available for sale at: www.skillsyouneed.com All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN: 978-1-911084-07-5 Published by Skills You Need Ltd © 2016 Skills You Need Ltd This version was published in March 2016

2

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

CONTENTS Introduction

4

Chapter 1 An Introduction to Conflict

5

What is Conflict?

6

Types of Conflict

7

Using Transactional Analysis

8

Chapter 2 Resolving Conflict

13

Five Strategies for Conflict Resolution

14

Essential Skills for Handling Conflict

16

Know Your Limitations

18

Chapter 3 Negotiation Skills

20

Why Negotiate?

20

What Influences Negotiations?

21

Stages of Negotiation

23

Negotiation Strategies

26

Avoiding Misunderstandings in Negotiations

32

Peer Negotiation

33

Chapter 4 Mediation Skills

37

Characteristics of Mediation

38

The Mediation Process

39

An Alternative Process Outline

41

Skills for Mediation

42

Conclusion: Setting yourself some goals

48

Answers to Exercises

49

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

3

INTRODUCTION Not many days seem to go by without some mention of conflict in the news, whether an industrial dispute, or an international disagreement. Of course, not all of us are involved in conflicts, or called upon to mediate in them, at international or even at national level. However, conflict resolution and mediation skills can be extremely useful for many people both at work and at home. • Need to persuade a screaming toddler to get dressed? • Having an argument with your neighbour about the height of your hedge? • Children fighting over the television remote control? • Colleagues locked in a battle over how to run a project? All these, and many more situations, call for not just tact and diplomacy, but active conflict resolution and mediation skills. This book introduces the concept of conflict resolution and explains how you can develop the necessary skills. It is designed in particular for those who are new to conflict resolution or mediation and wish to develop their skills, but those with some familiarity with the concepts should also find it useful.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK The book is designed as both a guide and workbook. We think that you will get the most out of it if you do the exercises set out in each chapter as you go. Where there are clear and correct answers to the questions and exercises, these are included at the back of the book. Many of the exercises, however, simply ask you to consider and think about your experience, and develop your views. You may find it helpful to keep a diary or journal in which you record your thoughts and learning from each exercise. You might also want to note points that you have found particularly interesting or insightful, and there is space at the end of each chapter to do so.

We hope that you enjoy this book, and find it useful.

4

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Chapter 1

An Introduction to Conflict

Conflict, or more specifically interpersonal conflict, is a fact of life, and particularly of organisational life. It often emerges more when people are stressed, for example, when there are changes on the horizon, or when everyone is under pressure because of a looming deadline. However, conflict can also arise in relationships and situations outside work. Handling conflict in ways that lead to increased stress can be detrimental to your health. Poor conflict management can lead to higher production of the stress hormone cortisol, and also cause hardening of the arteries, leading to increased risk of heart attacks, and high blood pressure. Learning to deal with conflict in a positive and constructive way, without excessive stress, is therefore an important way to improve your well-being as well as your relationships.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

5

WHAT IS CONFLICT? Conflict is more than just a minor disagreement. Interpersonal conflict has been defined as:

“AN EXPRESSED STRUGGLE BETWEEN AT LEAST TWO INTERDEPENDENT PARTIES WHO PERCEIVE INCOMPATIBLE GOALS, SCARCE RESOURCES, AND INTERFERENCE FROM THE OTHER PARTY IN ACHIEVING THEIR GOALS”. Adler, R. B., Rosenfeld, L. B. and Proctor, R. F. Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal Communication (12th edition).

Unpicking this a little, it means that for a disagreement to become a conflict, there needs to be: • Some element of communication: a shared understanding that there is a disagreement; • The well-being of the people involved needs to depend on each other in some way. This doesn’t mean that they have to have equal power: a manager and subordinate can be equally as interdependent as a married couple; • The people involved perceive that their goals are incompatible, meaning that they cannot both be met; • They are competing for resources; and • Each perceives the other as interfering with the achievement of their goals.

CONFLICT IS NOT ALWAYS A BAD THING Conflict can be destructive, leading people to develop negative feelings for each other and spend energy on conflict that could be better spent elsewhere. It can also deepen differences and lead groups to polarise into either/or positions. However, well-managed conflict can also be constructive, helping to ‘clear the air’, releasing emotion and stress, and resolving tension, especially if those involved use it as an opportunity to increase understanding and find a way forward together out of the conflict situation.

6

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

TYPES OF CONFLICT There are three types of conflict: personal or relational conflicts, instrumental conflicts and conflicts of

interest:

• Personal or relational conflicts are usually about identity or self-image, or important aspects of a relationship such as loyalty, breach of confidence, perceived betrayal or lack of respect.

For example, if one member of a couple has an affair, this could lead to a personal conflict with the other half of the couple. At work, a relational conflict might arise if someone perceives that they are not being respected by others. • Instrumental conflicts are about goals, structures, procedures and means: something fairly tangible and structural within the organisation or for an individual.

For example, the CEO of a handyman firm has a fundamental disagreement with his Operations Manager about the direction in which the company should go, and whether it should focus on serving residential or commercial customers. • Conflicts of interest concern the ways in which the means of achieving goals are distributed, such as time, money, space and staff. They may also be about factors related to these, such as relative importance, or knowledge and expertise.

For example, a couple might disagree over whether to spend a bonus on a holiday or to repair the roof. Before you can resolve a conflict, or even decide on a strategy for resolving it, you need to identify its source and therefore its type.

EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING CONFLICT TYPES AND THEIR IMPLICATIONS From your own experience, try to identify a time when you have been involved, or have observed, each of these three types of conflict. Take time to reflect on the effect of each one of those involved, and particularly their relationship. Which type do you think had the greatest effect and why? Do you think this is because of that conflict in particular, or the conflict type in general? Why?

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

7

USING TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS Conflict, by its very nature, involves more than one person. While people do talk about being ‘conflicted’, meaning that they are struggling to decide what to do, we are talking here about interpersonal conflict. Where there is more than one person, there are interpersonal interactions, or transactions, which will create winners and losers. It may, therefore, be helpful to discuss the concept of Transactional Analysis.

UNDERSTANDING TRANSACTIONS AND CREATING WIN-WIN SITUATIONS When interacting with other people, one of the most important skills is to be able to create win-win situations, that is where both those involved have genuinely gained from the transaction. Almost everyone knows how to ‘win’ by playing games, beating others and creating a ‘win-lose’ situation, but making sure that both of you ‘win’ is much harder. To start to consider how to do this, we need to discuss a bit of psychology, and in particular, Transactional Analysis. Thomas Harris’s book ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’ is the fundamental text, written very much from a clinical perspective. However, the thinking works for all transactions. Transactions are the everyday currency of human interaction. In its most simple form, a transaction is ‘I do something to you and you do something back’, where ‘doing’ may include speaking.

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS IS BASED ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT EVERYONE HAS THREE PARTS, PARENT, ADULT AND CHILD. The Parent is the learned element, and is basically the unfiltered recordings of the first five years of your life. It can be thought of as what your parents taught you, consciously or unconsciously, in that time. It may include safety information (“Don’t run across the road!”), beliefs (religious or ‘life’ systems), and rules for life. The Child is the ‘felt experience’, or the remembered responses of the ‘little person’ to the adult world, again in the first five years. In general, the Child is about emotion and feelings, as these are the predominant response in small children. The Adult is the thinking or reasoning element who examines the Parent and Child data and decides whether it is right or not based on reality and experience.

8

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS SKILLS The basis of Transactional Analysis is to identify which of the three parts, Parent, Adult or Child, is involved in the transaction, and then take appropriate action. How does the identification work? • When the Parent is involved, there are some give-aways in the language used, with common phrases being ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘should’, and ‘ought’, especially when these are used without considering whether the position is sensible. There may also be gestures such as fingerwagging and head-shaking. • The Child often manifests in a very emotional response. Verbal clues include use of childish words and phrases such as ‘I wish’, ‘gonna’, ‘don’t want’, and ‘won’t’. • The Adult manifests through fact-finding. The basic language of the Adult is a series of questions: who, what, why, where, how? With this is mind, you can start to identify who is involved in your day-to-day transactions, and you can also start to see how you might change the world, at least a little.

CONSIDER SOMEONE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LEVEL OF SERVICE THEY HAVE RECEIVED. Suppose they say “It’s just not good enough. Something must be done!” This is probably their Parent talking, because it’s very indignant. The person on the end of the complaint has a choice about who responds: Child: It’s not my fault, I had nothing to do with it. It’s no good telling me. Parent: It’s disgraceful, isn’t it? It’s the computer, you know. Adult: I do see your problem. What can I do to help to put it right? The Child response is likely to lead to more Parental criticism, and possible shouting, as the complainant tries to make clear that they don’t care whose fault it is, they just want something done! The Parent response is unlikely to be very helpful in terms of getting something done or the complainant moving away swiftly. In the best case, the two will find themselves agreeing that it is awful, and something really ought to be done about it, probably at considerable length. The Adult response, on the other hand, moves the complainant to an Adult position. It quickly ascertains what will solve the problem and make them happy again.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

9

EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING WHO IS INVOLVED In each of the following cases, identify whether the person speaking is doing so as Child, Adult, or Parent. In each case, think about your answer, and why you think that, before looking at those at the back of the book. a)

“Love that T-shirt! Just fab!”

b)

“I am seriously unimpressed with this.”

c)

“Please can you tell me how to find the library?”

d)

“This work is disgraceful. You’re going to have to stay and redo it.”

e)

“My boss wants me to stay late and finish this, and I just want to go home!”

f)

“I’m hoping that you can help me.”

LIFE POSITIONS The next part of Transactional Analysis is the identification of life positions. Harris believes that from a very early age, a child accepts the position that their parents are ‘OK’. Parents spend a lot of time telling children not to do things, as a normal part of helping them grow up into a civilised and functioning adult. The ‘Adult’ in a child logically decides that he or she must be ‘Not OK’. So the basic position for most people from childhood is ‘You’re OK – I’m not OK’. Harris stresses that this is not about whether you had a happy or unhappy childhood: this is a life position which everyone reaches. It leads the child to do things to please the ‘OK’ people, so that they will earn praise and rewards, and feel better about themselves. Many people never move beyond this basic life position. They continue, all their life, to seek out rewards and praise from those who are bigger or more important than them in order to validate themselves and make themselves feel more ‘OK’. However, their fundamental position does not change: they still feel, deep down, that they are ‘Not OK’. Harris believes that it is possible to decide to move to a new position, that is, to ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’, by the use of the Adult. Only the Adult can decide on and maintain this position. This means that if your Child or Parent get ‘hooked’ by something, you may well find that you have returned to the old position of ‘I’m not OK’, and will need to consciously engage your Adult to get you out of it.

10

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

USING TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS TO CREATE WIN-WIN SITUATIONS It is hopefully clear that in order to want to create true ‘win-win’ situations, that is where both of you have genuinely gained from the transaction, you need to start from a position of ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’. If you’re starting from ‘I’m not OK’, then you probably want to either: • Score points off other people so that you win and they lose and you feel more ‘OK’; or • Lose yourself, so as to confirm your ‘Not OK’ position. This is where Transactional Analysis is really useful in practical terms. If you can identify that your own or someone else’s Child or Parent is involved, you can engage the Adult instead and return to the ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’ position again.

EXERCISE: ENGAGING THE ADULT Go back to the example above of the customer complaint. Now suppose that the person replying had used the ‘Child’ reply (this is very common as a Parental complaint often engages the Child in the respondent). The conversation therefore ran: Complainant: “It’s just not good enough. Something must be done!” Respondent: “It’s not my fault, I had nothing to do with it. It’s no good

telling me.”

As the complainant, decide what you can do to engage the Adult in the respondent. Write down your response to the respondent. Tip: Don’t forget that you will need to reassure the Child first!

A suggested answer is at the back of this book.

Whether or not you choose to adopt ‘I’m OK – You’re OK’ as a life philosophy, Transactional Analysis can be a useful tool for thinking about interactions in a slightly different way. If introduced to a whole team, group or family, it can also provide a common language, which often helps to facilitate relationships in itself. It also provides some practical ideas for approaching difficult situations and relationships, and is therefore useful as a tool to support conflict resolution. Having equipped ourselves with an understanding of the nature of conflict, and some tools to describe it, we now move on to consider how to resolve it.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

11

REFLECTIONS ON CHAPTER 1

12

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Chapter 2

Resolving Conflict

It is usually easier to deal with conflict at an early stage. At this point, positions are less likely to have become entrenched, others may not have started to take sides, and the negative emotions are not so extreme. The best way to address a conflict in its early stages is through negotiation between the participants. As an observer, you can help them with this process although they need to be in charge of the process and resolve it together. Later on, those in conflict are likely to need the support of mediation, or even arbitration or a court judgement, so it is much better to resolve things early.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

13

FIVE STRATEGIES FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION There are five main strategies for dealing with conflicts, all of which can be considered in terms of who wins and who loses. As the last chapter will have made clear with its discussion on Transactional Analysis, a win-win situation is always going to be better for everyone. 1. Compete or Fight This is the classic win/lose situation, where the strength and power of one person wins the conflict. It has its place, but anyone using it needs to be aware that it will create a loser and then, if that loser has no outlet for expressing their concerns, it will lead to bad feeling.

THE IMPORTANCE OF ‘WINNING THE PEACE’: A STORY OF REPARATIONS After the First World War, there was a lot of bad feeling about Germany among the Allies. Germany had, after all, been the aggressor, and the general consensus was that Germany should be punished and made to pay. The peace treaty that was drawn up required Germany to pay punitive reparations to the Allies for many years. It was a classic win/lose position. The German perception that the treaty was unfair has been cited as one of the factors in Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. After World War II, the Allies took a very different approach. Yes, the leaders of the Axis powers were punished, but the emphasis was on rebuilding Europe, including Germany. This position was much closer to win/win even though Germany and her allies had been defeated during the war, and is probably at least partly why Germany is now such a successful economic power and a key player in Europe and the world.

2. Collaboration This requires input of time from those involved to work through the difficulties, and find a way to solve the problem that is agreeable to all. It is not necessarily easy, but it creates the ideal outcome: a win/ win situation. 3. Compromise or Negotiation Both parties give up something, in favour of an agreed mid-point solution. It takes less time than collaboration, but is likely to result in less commitment to the outcome. This is likely to result in a better result than win/lose, but it’s not quite win/win. 14

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

EXERCISE: COLLABORATION VS. COMPROMISE If you can, think of a time when you have worked together with someone to create a shared solution: you have collaborated, working as equal partners. Now think about a time when you made a compromise with someone: you both moved away from your ideal position, and gave something up to reach a solution that was acceptable to both of you, but not ideal for either of you. Think about the differences in how you felt each time. In particular, consider how committed you were to making the solution work, and how you felt on a personal level (in terms of your self-esteem) afterwards.

4. Denial or Avoidance This is where everyone pretends there is no problem. It’s helpful if those in conflict need time to ‘cool down’ before any discussion or if the conflict is unimportant, but cannot be used if the conflict will not just die down. It will create a lose/lose situation since there will still be bad feeling but no clearing the air through discussion. It results, in Transactional Analysis terms, in ‘I’m not OK, you’re not OK’. 5. Smoothing Over the Problem On the surface, harmony is maintained but, underneath, there is still conflict. It is similar to the situation above, except that one person is probably OK with this smoothing while the other remains in conflict, hence creating a win/lose situation again. It can work where preserving a relationship is more important than dealing with the conflict right now, but is not useful if others feel the need to deal with the situation. These five behaviours can be shown in terms of a balance between concern for self and concern for others:

Conflict Resolution Behaviours: a Grid Conflict Resolution and Mediation

15

ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR HANDLING CONFLICT There are a wide range of useful skills for handling conflict. Possibly the most important is assertiveness. To handle conflict, either personally or to help others to resolve an interpersonal conflict, you need to be able to express your views clearly and firmly, but without aggression. One model to use is ‘Describe the situation, Express your feelings and Specify what you want done’. In other words, you set out exactly how you see the situation, explain how you feel about it (for example, sad, angry, disappointed) and say what you would like to happen next to resolve the conflict.

EXERCISE: DESCRIBING A SITUATION Think about a conflict situation in which you have been or are involved. Use the ‘Describe, express, specify’ model to set out your point of view clearly and carefully. It is probably helpful to write it down. Ask a friend or trusted colleague to have a look and see if your position is clear.

There is more about developing assertiveness in our eBook Advanced Communication Skills. You also need to develop strong listening skills, to ensure that you fully understand the position of those involved in the conflict, whether you are an active participant or a potential mediator. You may need to use clarification techniques, such as summarising and reflecting back what you have heard and the emotions of those engaged. There is more about listening in our eBook An Introduction to Communication Skills, and clarification techniques are covered in Advanced Communication Skills. It’s also helpful to understand and recognise emotion in both yourself and others. Emotions are never good or bad, but simply appropriate or inappropriate. It is useful in managing conflict to help others recognise when emotions are inappropriate, and when it is fine to express them. You will also find it helpful to be able to put yourself in other people’s shoes, and support those involved to do the same. This skill is called empathy.

16

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

EXERCISE: NOTICING EMOTIONS Think about a time when you have been engaged in a conversation or discussion with someone and when you felt that their emotions were inappropriate. Consider:

• Why you felt that they were inappropriate; • What you could have done to help the person to manage their emotions more appropriately. You may find it helpful to discuss this with friends as there is no right answer.

There is more about the skills involved in recognising and managing emotions in Advanced Communication Skills.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

17

KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS In handling conflict both as a direct participant and as a potential mediator, it is important to know your limitations. If you reach a point where you are not confident that your intervention is going to help, then it is probably best to step back and ask for help. Sometimes you might need to involve someone else, such as a trained mediator. It is far better to ask for help than to step in and make matters worse. The next chapter discusses the skills required for negotiation and Chapter 4 considers mediation skills.

18

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

REFLECTIONS ON CHAPTER 2

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

19

Chapter 3

Negotiation Skills

Negotiation is a method by which people settle differences. It is a process by which compromise or agreement is reached while avoiding argument and dispute. In any disagreement, individuals understandably aim to achieve the best possible outcome for their position (or perhaps an organisation they represent). However, the principles of fairness, seeking mutual benefit and maintaining a relationship are the keys to a successful outcome. Specific forms of negotiation are used in many situations, including international affairs, the legal system, government, industrial disputes and domestic relationships. More general negotiation skills, however, can be learned and applied in a wide range of activities. They can help in resolving any differences that arise between you and others, and you can also help others to negotiate when a dispute arises.

WHY NEGOTIATE? It is inevitable that from time to time, conflict and disagreement will arise. They are most likely to happen when differing needs, wants, aims and beliefs are brought together. Without negotiation, such conflicts may lead to argument and resentment, resulting in one or all of those involved feeling dissatisfied. The point of negotiation is to try to reach agreement without causing future barriers to communication.

20

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

WHAT INFLUENCES NEGOTIATIONS? In any negotiation, the following three elements are important and likely to affect the ultimate outcome of the negotiation: • Attitudes • Knowledge • Interpersonal Skills

ATTITUDES All negotiation is strongly influenced by underlying attitudes to the process itself, for example, attitudes towards the issues and personalities involved in the particular case or linked to personal needs for recognition.

ALWAYS BE AWARE THAT: • Negotiation is not an arena for the realisation of individual achievements. • There can be resentment of the need to negotiate by those involved, especially if in a position of authority. • Certain features of negotiation may influence a person’s behaviour. For example, some people may become defensive.

KNOWLEDGE The more knowledge you possess of the issues in question, the greater your participation in the process of negotiation. In other words, good preparation is essential. Do your homework and gather as much information about the issues as you can. The way issues are negotiated must be understood because negotiating will require different methods in different situations.

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS The level of interpersonal skills of those involved will affect the course and the conduct of any negotiations, both in formal and informal situations. For example, someone with poor listening skills will find it more difficult to negotiate effectively, because they will be less likely to identify areas that might provide a win-win solution.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

21

EXERCISE: SKILLS FOR NEGOTIATION Think about which interpersonal skills you consider are important for negotiation. Identify five or six key skills. Which do you think are the most important and why?

There is a suggested list at the back of this book, but do try to generate your own first. Now mark yourself on each of those skills on a scale of one to ten. You may find it helpful to do our Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment at www.skillsyouneed.com/ ipstest to get a more objective assessment. What can you do to improve the areas where you are weakest? Identify three things which you are going to do to develop your skills. Make sure that you have identified clear actions, and put a time limit on each one. You may find the Interpersonal Skills section of our website helpful, and also our eBooks An Introduction to Communication Skills and Advanced Communication Skills.

22

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

STAGES OF NEGOTIATION To achieve a desirable outcome, it may be useful to follow a structured approach to negotiation. A formal process of negotiation usually includes the following stages: 1. Preparation 2. Discussion 3. Clarification of goals 4. Negotiation 5. Agreement 6. Implementation of a course of action There are, of course, times when it is possible or necessary to negotiate more informally. At such times, it might not be possible or appropriate to go through the stages set out above in a formal manner. Nevertheless, remembering the key points in the stages of formal negotiation may be very helpful.

1. PREPARATION Before any negotiation takes place, a decision needs to be made about the timing, location, and participants for a meeting to discuss the problem. Setting a limited time-scale can also be helpful to prevent the disagreement continuing. This stage involves ensuring all the pertinent facts of the situation are known in order to clarify your own position. This might include knowing the ‘rules’ of your organisation, to whom help is given, when help is not felt appropriate, and the grounds for such refusals. Your organisation may well have policies to which you can refer in preparation for the negotiation. Undertaking preparation before discussing the disagreement will help to avoid further conflict and unnecessarily wasting time during the meeting.

2. DISCUSSION During this stage, individuals or members of each side put forward their understanding of the situation. It is important to identify the real issues involved and discard those that are not relevant. This enables the focus of the negotiation to remain firmly fixed on the interests and differences of the individuals involved, without argument spreading to other areas of work.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

23

THE IMPORTANCE OF RESPECTING ALTERNATIVE VIEWPOINTS During negotiation, a great deal of time can be spent in establishing the facts. It should be realised, however, that ‘facts’ tend to provide another area over which to disagree because people can see the same situation and events in completely different ways. Another person’s worries, even if totally unfounded, are still real worries and need to be taken into consideration. It may, therefore, be better to think of this stage as being about setting out the viewpoints of those involved. Conflicts often arise because of differences in personal viewpoints. Remember that to accept and understand someone else’s viewpoint does not imply agreement with that point of view. Rather, it shows respect for the person and the wish to work together to find a mutually satisfactory solution. Similarly, it is helpful to encourage the other person to understand your viewpoint. An open, honest and accepting discussion of the differences in perspective will often help to clarify the issues and provide the way forward to a resolution.

Key skills during this stage include questioning, listening and clarifying. Sometimes it is helpful to take notes during the discussion stage to record all points put forward in case there is need for further clarification. You may find it helpful to write on a white board or flip chart the areas of interest, and those which you have agreed are not relevant for the discussion. That way, if one person goes off at a tangent, others can point out what was agreed. Remember, though, that as negotiations proceed, other areas may become important, and may need to be added to the list. It is extremely important to listen. When there is a disagreement, it is easy to make the mistake of saying too much and listening too little. Each side should have an equal opportunity to present their case.

3. CLARIFYING GOALS From the discussion, the goals, interests and viewpoints of both sides of the disagreement need to be clarified. It is essential to have a clear understanding of what the other side is seeking to achieve. This is not always what they initially state as their aims. It is helpful to list these factors in order of priority. Through this clarification it is often possible to identify or establish some common ground. Clarification is an essential part of the negotiation process. Without it, misunderstandings are likely to occur which may cause problems and barriers to reaching a beneficial outcome. 24

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

CLARIFYING YOUR GOALS DOES NOT NECESSARILY UNDERMINE YOUR POSITION Hardened ‘old school’ negotiators such as old-style union officials will often maintain that stating your goals undermines your position. This is only true if you want to ‘win’ by beating the other person (a winlose negotiating style, explained in the next section). If you are looking for common ground, and a ‘win-win’ situation, then stating your goals assertively and openly is the first step to success.

Different people have different interests. What you regard as essential may be viewed by someone else as trivial. By setting out all the issues clearly at the beginning of the negotiation, and also making clear which are more valuable to you, ‘win-win’ areas become clearer.

4. NEGOTIATING TOWARDS AN OUTCOME This stage focuses on developing an outcome. The ideal is one where both sides feel they have gained something positive through the process of negotiation and that their point of view has been taken into consideration. Suggestions of alternative strategies and compromises need to be considered at this point. Compromises are often positive alternatives which can often achieve greater benefit for all concerned compared to holding to the original positions. The next section covers types of negotiation strategy, including win-lose and win-win.

5. AGREEMENT Agreement can be achieved once understanding of both sides’ viewpoints and interests have been considered. It is essential for everybody involved to keep an open mind to achieve an acceptable solution. Any agreement needs to be made perfectly clear so that both sides know what has been decided.

6. IMPLEMENTING A COURSE OF ACTION Once agreement has been reached, a course of action has to be implemented to carry through the decision. Failure to Agree If the process of negotiation breaks down and agreement cannot be reached, then it is important to schedule a further meeting. This avoids all parties becoming embroiled in heated discussion or argument, which not only wastes time but can also damage future relationships. At the subsequent meeting, the stages of negotiation should be repeated. Any new ideas or interests should be taken into account and the situation looked at again. At this stage, it may also be helpful to look at other alternative solutions and/or bring in another person to mediate. Conflict Resolution and Mediation

25

NEGOTIATION STRATEGIES There are two key ways to negotiate: • ‘Win-Lose’, also known as bargaining or haggling; and • ‘Win-Win’, which is preferable when you want to build a meaningful and strong interpersonal relationship.

THE WIN-LOSE APPROACH TO NEGOTIATION Negotiation is sometimes seen in terms of ‘getting your own way’, ‘driving a hard bargain’ or ‘beating off the opposition’. In the short term, bargaining may well achieve the aims for one side, but it is also a win-lose approach. It results, in Transactional Analysis terms, in ‘I’m OK, you’re not OK’. This means that while one side wins, the other loses. This outcome may well damage future relationships. It also increases the likelihood of relationships breaking down during the negotiation process, and of people walking out or refusing to deal with the ‘winners’ again. This may entrench the disagreement and create a bitter dispute. Win-lose bargaining is probably the most familiar form of negotiating. Individuals decide what they want, then each side takes up an extreme position, such as asking the other side for much more than they expect to get. Through haggling—the giving and making of concessions—a compromise is reached, and each side’s hope is that this compromise will be in their favour.

A TYPICAL EXAMPLE OF WIN-LOSE NEGOTIATION IS HAGGLING OVER THE PRICE OF A CAR: “What do you want for it?” “I couldn’t let it go for under £2,000.” “I’ll give you £1,000.” “You must be joking.” “Well, £1,100 and that’s my limit.” “£1,900” … “£1,300” … “£1,700” ... “£1,500” … “Done!” Both parties need good assertiveness skills to be able to barter or haggle effectively.

26

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

While this form of bargaining may be acceptable in the used car market, and even expected in some cultures, it has drawbacks in most other situations. These drawbacks can have serious consequences if applied to social situations. For example, win-lose negotiation: • May serve to turn the negotiation into a conflict situation, and can damage long-term relationships. • Is essentially dishonest – both sides try to hide their real views and mislead the other. • Reaches a compromise solution which may not have be the best possible outcome – there may have been some other agreement that was not thought of at the time, and an outcome that was both possible and would have better served both parties. • Agreement is less likely to be reached as each side has made a public commitment to a particular position and feels they must defend it, even though they know it was an extreme position. Negotiation concerning other people’s lives is perhaps best dealt with by using an approach which takes into account the effect of the outcome on thoughts, emotions and subsequent relationships.

AN INTRODUCTION TO GAME THEORY Game theory is a branch of science that deals with why we make decisions. Its fundamental premise is that we all make decisions to achieve the best outcome for ourselves. This enables you to work out what others are likely to do by working out what course of action will give them the best personal outcome. But in practice, it is not quite that simple. In any situation, you have a choice: co-operate or compete. Competing (or win/lose) will almost always give you a better outcome (assuming that you win) providing that you are only ‘playing’ once. To put it crudely, if you do not need to develop a relationship with someone, you can afford to shaft them. The used car market springs to mind. However, once you get into any kind of ongoing or repeated ‘game’, such as a relationship with a long-term supplier or customer to your business, you can no longer afford to do this. Why? Because people will remember, and will treat you the same way next time. Instead of win/lose, you will end up with lose/lose. As soon as you need a long-term relationship, you need to start to cooperate: to create win/win solutions.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

27

THE WIN-WIN APPROACH TO NEGOTIATION Many professional negotiators prefer to aim towards what is known as a win-win solution. This involves looking for a resolution that allows both sides to gain. In other words, negotiators aim to work together towards finding a solution to their differences that results in both sides being satisfied. Key points when aiming for a win-win outcome include: • Focus on maintaining the relationship – ‘separate the people from the problem’. • Focus on interests not positions. • Generate a variety of options that offer gains to both parties before deciding what to do. • Aim for the result to be based on an objective standard. 1. Focus on Maintaining the Relationship This means not allowing the disagreement to damage the interpersonal relationship. In practice, key behaviours are not blaming the others for the problem and aiming to confront the problem not the people. This can involve actively supporting the other individuals while confronting the problem.

REMEMBER: Separate the people from the problem

Disagreements and negotiations are rarely ‘one-offs’. At times of disagreement, it is important to remember that you may well have to communicate with the same people in the future. It is always worth considering whether ‘winning’ this particular issue is more important than maintaining a good relationship. All too often, disagreement is treated as a personal affront. Rejecting what an individual says or does is seen as rejection of the person. Because of this, many attempts to resolve differences degenerate into personal battles or power struggles with those involved getting angry, hurt or upset. Remember negotiation is about finding a solution to a problem, not an excuse to undermine others. To avoid negotiation breaking down into argument, it is helpful to consciously separate the issues under dispute from the people involved. For example, it is quite possible to hold people in deep regard, to like them, to respect their worth, their feelings, values and beliefs, and yet to disagree with the particular point they are making. One valuable approach is to continue to express positive regard for an individual, even when disagreeing with what he/she is saying. The following are examples of statements that might be used by a good negotiator:

“You’ve expressed your points very clearly and I can now appreciate your position. However...” “It’s clear that you are very concerned about this issue, as I am myself. My view of it, though, is slightly different...”

28

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Another way of avoiding personal confrontation is to avoid blaming the other party for creating the problem. It is better to talk in terms of the impact the problem is having personally, or on the organisation or situation, rather than pointing out any errors. Instead of saying:

“You’re making me waste a lot of time by carrying on with this argument,” the same point could be presented as,

“I’m not able to spend a lot of time on this problem, I wonder if there’s any way we could solve it quickly?” By not allowing ‘disagreements over issues’ to become ‘disagreements between people’, a good relationship can be maintained, regardless of the outcome of the negotiation. 2. Focus on Interests Not Positions Rather than focusing on the other side’s stated position, consider the underlying interests they might have. What are their needs, desires and fears? These might not always be obvious from what they say. When negotiating, however, individuals often appear to be holding on to one or two points from which they will not move, and this may be because they perceive them as key to addressing the underlying problem. It may be helpful to ask why that particular issue is so important, and listen carefully to what is said in reply. For example, in a work situation an employee might say “I am not getting enough support”, when the employer believes that the person is getting as much support as they can offer and more than others in the same position. However, the employee’s underlying interest might be that he or she would like someone to talk to more often. By focusing on the interests rather than the positions, a solution might be that the employer refers the employee to a befriending organisation, or suggests finding a peer mentor, so that his or her needs can be met.

FOCUSING ON INTERESTS IS HELPFUL BECAUSE: • It takes into account individual needs, wants, worries and emotions. • There are often a number of ways of satisfying interests, whereas positions tend to focus on only one solution. • While positions are often opposed, individuals may still have common interests on which they can build.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

29

Most people have an underlying need to feel good about themselves and will strongly resist any attempt at negotiation that might damage their self-esteem. Often their need to maintain their self-worth is more important than the particular point of disagreement. In many cases, the aim will be to find some way of enabling both sides to feel good about themselves, while at the same time not losing sight of the goals. If individuals fear their self-esteem is at risk, or that others will think less highly of them following negotiation, they are likely to become stubborn and refuse to move from their stated position, or become hostile and offended and leave the discussion. Understanding the emotional needs of others is an essential part of understanding their overall perspective and underlying interests. You also need to understand your own emotional needs. It can be helpful to discuss how everyone involved feels during negotiation. Another key point is that decisions should not be forced upon others. This is a negotiation. Both sides will feel much more committed to a decision if they feel it is something they have helped to create and that their ideas and suggestions have been taken into account. It is important to clearly express your own needs, desires, wants and fears so that others can also focus on your interests. 3. Generate a Variety of Options that Offer Gains to Both Sides Rather than looking for one single way to resolve differences, it is worth considering a number of options that could provide a resolution and then to work together to decide which is most suitable for both sides. Techniques such as brainstorming could be used to generate different potential solutions. In many ways, negotiation can be seen as a problem-solving exercise, although it is important to focus on all individuals’ underlying interests and not merely the basic difference in positions. Good negotiators will spend time finding a number of ways of meeting the interests of both sides rather than meeting self-interest alone, and then discussing the possible solutions. 4. Aim for the Result to be Based on an Objective Standard Having identified and worked towards meeting shared interests, it is often inevitable that some differences will remain. Rather than resorting to a confrontational bargaining approach, which may leave individuals feeling let-down or angry, it can be helpful to seek some fair, objective and independent means of resolving the differences. It is important that such a basis for deciding is: • Acceptable to both parties. • Independent of both parties. • Seen to be fair. If no resolution can be reached, it may be possible to find some other, independent party whom both sides will trust to make a fair decision. There is more about how this might work in the next chapter, on mediation skills.

30

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Other sources of help who might assist in situations which cannot be resolved include: • A mutual friend or colleague; • A committee member; or • A trained mediator. Before turning for help from such sources, however, it is important to agree that this approach is acceptable to both sides.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

31

AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN NEGOTIATIONS Misunderstanding is a common cause of negotiations breaking down. Such breakdowns may occur because of many factors, including differences of viewpoint, background or cultures. It is entirely possible not to ‘hear’ what others intend to say due to lack of assertiveness on the part of the other person or ineffective listening.

“LET US NEVER NEGOTIATE OUT OF FEAR, BUT LET US NEVER FEAR TO NEGOTIATE.” John F. Kennedy. Inaugural Address - 20 January 1961

It is therefore important to: Listen carefully to what the other person has to say This means listening, not thinking about how you are going to answer them, or how to make your point. Just listen. If it is helpful, make notes about what they are saying, as this will help you to process it, and also support your listening. Reflect back what you have heard, including their feelings, to check your understanding Useful phrases include:

‘So when you said x, would it be fair to say that you felt y?’ ‘If I can paraphrase, what is most important to you is x.’ It is also important to listen to their replies, to make sure that you really have understood and paraphrased correctly, otherwise you perpetuate the misunderstanding. Help the other person to express their point of view assertively By remaining assertive yourself, you will help them to do so too. Your use of reflection and summarising, in an assertive way, can ensure that everyone’s points are given equal weight. By developing a good understanding of communication, you increase the possibility of successful negotiation. But even more importantly, you maintain your relationship with the other person or people for the future. Spending time clarifying and agreeing what all individuals have said (rather than assuming that you know what they intended to say) will ensure that misunderstanding of meaning is kept to a minimum.

32

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

PEER NEGOTIATION One particular use of negotiation skills is known as ‘peer negotiation’. This is probably best thought of as a form of peer mediation, a technique used in a number of schools and similar settings to help people to resolve conflicts and problems without resorting to ‘authority’. Peer mediation encourages trained ‘peer mediators’ to help resolve conflict between young people. Peer negotiation can be considered as ‘do-it-yourself peer mediation’. In other words, instead of having trained mediators, everyone is responsible for their own mediation and conflict resolution.

CASE STUDY: PEER NEGOTIATION IN WEST LOTHIAN The staff of children’s residential houses in West Lothian wanted a new approach to reduce conflict between young people. Working with Peer Mediation Network: Scotland, they trained staff and young people to use a peer negotiation approach to resolve conflicts. The programme resulted in reduced police call-outs, and far less physical restraint. Perhaps more importantly, the young people felt that they were more confident in challenging unfairness assertively, and in accepting challenges. They had also learnt to negotiate more effectively with staff, providing them with long-term communication skills.

Effective Peer Negotiation There are two main essentials for effective peer negotiation: • A willingness to take responsibility together for what happens; and • A desire to find a win-win solution. The case study from West Lothian was particularly notable for the fact that the parts of the programme that were considered most successful were those that succeeded in engaging the young people and supporting them to take responsibility for the programme. Those involved particularly liked providing refresher training for staff, and supporting new residents to develop their peer negotiation skills. They enjoyed having a chance to take responsibility. In other words, peer negotiation requires a willingness to engage and look for solutions together: it is all about collaboration. It is not the same as compromise, where both parties give something up. Instead, it is about finding a shared route to success, where both sides ‘win’: the ideal ‘win-win’ situation.

SKILLS FOR SUCCESSFUL PEER NEGOTIATION Successful peer negotiation requires a range of communication and personal skills. These skills include: Strong self-esteem, to ensure that you value yourself. Effective collaboration requires a belief that your views are worthwhile, and equal to those of others; an equal concern for self and others. Without this, it will be tempting to simply give up, and create a ‘win-lose’ situation, where you are the loser. Conflict Resolution and Mediation

33

The ‘other side of the coin’ from self-esteem, empathy. This ensures that you are able to see others’ points of view, and put yourself in their place. With good empathy, you will come to value others as much as you value yourself, and recognise why ‘win-win’ is so important. An ability to put your point across assertively, and not aggressively. This requires an ability to accept challenges from others, and to challenge effectively and calmly when you believe that something is unfair. It is impossible to collaborate effectively without being able to listen well. This means putting aside any thoughts about how you are going to respond, and simply concentrating on what the other person is saying. This includes non-verbal communication as well as the words that they are using. You will need to be able to ask good questions to clarify points. You need to check that you have correctly understood what someone else has said. You may also need to ask questions to clarify anything that is unclear. Finally, it is always important to reflect on what went well and less well. It is good to get into the habit of thinking about what happened, and how you could have improved on it. Developing habits of reflective practice will probably help you throughout your life, not only in peer negotiation situations.

EVERYONE IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT In negotiating with anyone else, whether over a disagreement, or simply to collaborate effectively, the crucial aspect is the mindset that everyone’s views are equally valuable. This allows you to develop a ‘win-win’ solution together, building rather than destroying your relationship with the other person.

34

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

EXERCISES: PRACTISING NEGOTIATION You will need to find a friend or colleague to help with this exercise.

1)

Playing to win: practising win-lose negotiation

Person 1 is a car salesman. You have a car to sell, which is priced at £7,500, and you want to shift it by the end of the week to increase your commission for the month. You need to get at least £7,000 for it to achieve your target. Person 2 is interested in buying a car. You also have a car to part-exchange, which is worth between £500 and £750, and a budget of £6,500.

Negotiate as hard as you can to see if you can reach a deal. Take no more than 20 minutes 2)

Working together: generating win-win solutions

Person 1 represents a zoo in an Eastern European country. The zoo, which is quite small, but keen to expand, wishes to become part of a big cat breeding programme across Europe. It currently has very few suitable facilities, and has never been part of a breeding programme, so would need to expand both its accommodation and its expertise. Person 2 is one of those responsible for the breeding programme. The breeding programme is successful, and homes are always needed for young animals and breeding pairs. However, the accommodation must be suitable, and the care must be good, as the animals will otherwise suffer, which could damage the reputation of the programme.

Come together to generate a solution that will work for both of you. Take no more than 30 minutes. You may wish to discuss issues including finance (both capital, and for staff and other ongoing costs), facilities, and ongoing support, but there are many more areas which might be useful. Feel free to use the Internet to research the issues beforehand (we suggest no more than 30 minutes’ research).

After the exercise After each exercise, take time to discuss how you both felt going through the process and what you felt when you had reached a solution. Which process did you find most satisfying and why?

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

35

REFLECTIONS ON CHAPTER 3

36

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Chapter 4

Mediation Skills

Mediation is the involvement of an impartial third party to support and help those involved in a conflict to find a resolution. Mediators may be appointed formally, or act informally with the consent of those involved. The key difference between negotiation and mediation is that in negotiation the parties involved work out their own agreement. In mediation, they have the support of the third party, the mediator, to help them come to an agreement. Mediation, whether formal or informal, can often help solve conflicts that have gone beyond the negotiation stage.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

37

CHARACTERISTICS OF MEDIATION A key aspect of mediation is that the mediator does not ‘sort things out’ or make any decisions for the parties involved. Instead, he or she helps the parties involved work together to develop their own agreement.

MEDIATION INVOLVES: • Voluntary participation; • Face-to-face discussions between the parties in conflict; • An unbiased mediator without any decision-making power who helps those involved to understand each other’s point of view and come to an agreement; • Equal opportunities for all participants to speak and explain their perspective; • All relevant information being shared; and • A shared agreement between the parties.

Although there are many trained mediators working to resolve conflicts, anyone can act as a mediator, whether in a disagreement between colleagues or to bring two quarrelling friends or neighbours together again.

38

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

THE MEDIATION PROCESS Although every conflict and every mediation process will be slightly different, there are a number of steps which you will need to consider in every case, and points to take into account. 1. Preparation You will need to lay out the ‘ground rules’ for the mediation process. Usually some basic rules of communication and confidentiality will be essential, but there may also be others pertinent to that situation. For example, you might want to set out that only one person talks at a time and, while someone is talking, the others listen in silence, that there is to be no verbal abuse at any time, and that all that happens remains confidential unless both parties agree to speak about it outside mediation. You may also wish to set out the mediator’s role: to be impartial and help the parties to reach their solution, but also to protect the parties from each other if necessary. You should also consider whether you should have separate meetings with each party to develop a better understanding of the issues before mediating a joint meeting. 2. Reconstructing and Understanding the Conflict The mediator’s task at this stage is to listen to the participants’ stories, whether together or separately, and clarify what they want to achieve from the process. If you, as the mediator, are meeting both participants together, it is helpful if you can summarise the main points of conflict in a neutral way that both can agree upon, and propose an agenda for the discussion: an order in which issues should be discussed. It can also be helpful at this stage to name the emotions that participants are feeling, to show that they have been recognised and understood. 3. Defining Points of Agreement and Dispute During this stage, your role is to help the participants to move towards a position where they start to understand each other’s point of view, and can then begin to resolve a shared problem. One way to do this is to think of it as moving from a focus on the past to one on the future. It can also be helpful to use paraphrasing and summary in neutral terms to help the participants identify areas of agreement, and to check understanding. It is extremely powerful to reflect feelings back to the participants, as it shows that they have been heard. Don’t be afraid to suggest a break for coffee or a walk outside, or even an adjournment to another day, if you think things are getting a bit heated. ‘Time out’ is a valuable reflection opportunity for everyone. 4. Creating Options for Agreement A useful starting point for this stage is to identify the simplest area, or the one on which there is most agreement, and suggest resolving that first to give a ‘quick win’. Useful techniques for developing options include brainstorming, the aim of which is to generate lots of options without anyone criticising or commenting on any of them. You then need to help the participants to develop evaluation criteria, which should ideally be objective and in order of importance.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

39

Your role here is chiefly to make sure that all participants are equally involved in generating options and developing evaluation criteria, and that they cover all parts of the problem. Make sure that you are reflecting their opinions and not your own, but you can point out linkages between options and/or problems. Once the options have been evaluated, you may need to guide them to a single solution that suits all parties, and help them to fine-tune it if necessary. 5. Developing an Agreement Like objectives, an agreement should be SMART: that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-bound. You can help the participants to achieve this by: • Writing down the proposal in neutral language, and reading it back to them. • Writing down individual points so they are clear and understood. • Clarifying any general or vague points, for example, by asking the participants to agree concrete behavioural changes with deadlines for achievement. • Avoid legalistic language, and keep everything simple. • Summarise progress and next steps, including setting a deadline for any future meetings, and identifying any remaining areas of difficulty, and options for their resolution. • Being positive about progress and the fact that everyone has remained engaged. • Offering your continued support as a mediator if required. • Ensuring both parties sign the agreement then and there, and close the meeting once agreement is reached.

40

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

AN ALTERNATIVE PROCESS OUTLINE The mediation process outlined above may, however, be too formal, especially if you are acting as mediator in a very informal way. You may wish instead to use a more informal process such as this:

AT THE START Get the participants to agree some ground rules for the process. For example, say something like “I think it might help to talk this through more calmly, and I’m very happy to help with that. May I suggest that we agree that we will take it in turns to speak, and not interrupt each other?” If you have been asked to help by one or both parties, you might also like to explain that you are taking a neutral role.

UNDERSTANDING THE SITUATION The next stage is to get both participants to set out their stories, giving each of them time to speak without the other interrupting. Use questioning and clarifying to make sure that you have the situation straight. After each person has set out their position, summarise what they have said to check that you, and the other person, have understood correctly. You may wish to include a statement of the emotions that they are feeling (for example, “I can see that you’re feeling very angry about this, and I hope that this discussion will help with that”), as recognising and naming emotions is very powerful for those involved.

HELPING THE PARTICIPANTS TO LOOK FORWARD NOT BACK Remember that the key to helping to resolve conflicts is to look forward, rather than back. ‘Back’ takes you to blame and recriminations about what’s happened. ‘Forward’, by contrast, asks the participants to say what they are going to do next, and how they will take their relationship forward. You might, for example, ask each in turn “How would you like to see the situation resolved?”, or “What would be your ideal outcome from this situation?” This may help to demonstrate areas of agreement.

FINDING OPTIONS The next stage should be to look for options for solutions. The simplest way is probably to ask both participants what options they can see, and also suggest options yourself. It does not matter if some of the options are impossible, or downright silly, because the more options, the easier it is to identify good ones, and then move to an agreement. You can help the participants to move to an agreement by noting areas of common ground, and suggesting where they are coming together. You should also use paraphrasing and clarifying to make sure that everyone has understood the terms of the agreement that they seem to be reaching.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

41

SKILLS FOR MEDIATION A mediator needs a range of skills, including:

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS In particular, concentrate on what is being said, and also the body language associated. Pay attention to any mismatch between the two. Make sure that the speaker knows that you are listening: maintain eye contact, and use affirmative feedback such as nodding, or small encouraging noises like ‘Mm-hm’. Do not feel the need to comment as soon as there is a pause in the conversation. Use silence as a way of eliciting more information.

EXERCISE: THE POWER OF PAUSES Next time you are having a conversation with someone, wait at least three seconds after they have finished speaking before you start speaking. Notice: • How this pause makes you feel; • What effect it has on the conversation. For example, does the other person start to speak again?

QUESTIONING AND CLARIFYING SKILLS Using questions and clarification techniques to make sure that you have understood both the facts of the situation, and the areas of controversy. Remember that ‘facts’ may be less important than clarifying the points of view of those involved. Use both open and closed questions. Open questions, which often start ‘why’ or ‘how’, invite information. Closed questions usually need only a short answer, sometimes just one word, but enable you to check back on particular points.

Did you tell him how you felt at the time? Reflecting the speaker’s words back to them serves two purposes: it demonstrates that you have been listening, and it also allows you to check your understanding.

EXERCISE: CLARIFICATION Think of some phrases that you could use to show that what you are doing is reflecting back and check on someone’s meaning. Write down at least three. Tip: Remember to include feelings as well as just words in your reflection. 42

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE It is important to be able to read and understand the underlying emotions. Be aware also that situations will trigger emotional responses in you. An important aspect of emotional intelligence is being aware of, and in control of, your own emotions. Remember too that no emotions are wrong. They are only either appropriate or inappropriate. It can be helpful to alert people to the existence of inappropriate emotions during a mediation process as these can hamper the process. However, it is important to acknowledge the existence of emotions.

EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING EMOTIONS You will need the cooperation of a friend here. Ask your friend to talk about something about which they feel very strongly. As they talk, try to identify their emotions. If necessary, write them down. When your friend has finished speaking, reflect back the emotions that you recognised. Ask your friend if you are correct. It may also be helpful to discuss the effect of this process on both of you: how did you both feel?

SUMMARISING SKILLS It is helpful for the mediator to be able to set out the main points of controversy, and underlying emotions, and also to help the participants to reframe issues in less emotive language. At this point, it can be extremely useful to name the emotions that have been experienced, and particularly to identify for both participants how the other one feels.

EXERCISE: SUMMARISING Next time you are on the phone or in a meeting, try to summarise what has been said before you leave. If you don’t feel able to do it out loud, write it down. Check your understanding by sending or showing it to the other person (or one of the others present in the meeting), and ask them if they share your understanding, and if not, where theirs differs.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

43

EMPATHY Empathy is the skill of ‘feeling with’ someone, in other words, understanding and feeling their emotions as if they were happening to you, and supporting them to take action to improve matters. For a mediator, it is important to help each party to stand in each other’s shoes and understand each other’s point of view. Nine- and ten-year olds, when asked about the skills needed for a peer mediator, said that they needed to be kind, and to understand feelings. Even if you can do no more than that, you will be making a good start. Perhaps most importantly, a mediator must not take sides, or be seen to be acting unfairly. You will therefore need to acknowledge points made by both parties, and spend equal time with each person or on their issues. If necessary, use a clock, and keep a careful record of how much time you spend with each person, or discussing each issue. It is never going to help to point out that someone is being unreasonable, but you can help them take a ‘reality check’ by asking what they would consider a reasonable outcome, and then asking whether they think the other party would agree.

PEER MEDIATION Peer mediation is an approach that has been used in schools in the US and UK to help to manage conflicts and disagreements. Formal peer mediation approaches provide training for chosen individuals (the ‘peer mediators’) to help them to intervene in disagreements and support the participants to reach an agreement. In general, peer mediators have a formal and recognised position. However, anyone can develop the skills to mediate in social difficulties, and the skills are as useful for adults as children. What is Peer Mediation? In schools and colleges, peer mediation is where children in the same agegroup help to resolve problems between groups or individuals. Peer mediators do not: • Tell anyone what to do; • Take sides; or • Gossip about what they have seen and heard. Instead, they work towards a win-win solution for both sides, helping the two sides to come together and develop a solution that works for both of them.

44

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

“NOT MY PROBLEM, GUV!” It is important to remember that the problem or situation must remain ‘owned’ by the participants, as must the solution or agreement. It is not your problem as mediator, you are simply helping them to solve it.

AND FINALLY… Although a little humility is always a good thing, it is important to remember that mediation might not always work, and that an unsuccessful outcome is not always the fault of the mediator. For example, if participants do not come ready to find a shared solution, it is going to be difficult to mediate one. Cross-cultural disputes are always going to be hard to mediate, because what is acceptable behaviour in one culture may be totally unacceptable in another. A good mediator will always try to be aware of what else is going on, trying to understand any hidden agendas and barriers to effective problem solving. An effective mediator will, at the same time, be able to distance themselves from the problem. The role of the mediator is to help others resolve their problems in a mutually agreeable way without getting bogged down in the problem themselves.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

45

EXERCISE: PRACTISING MEDIATION You will need two friends or colleagues for this exercise, and you may wish to take it in turns to practise acting as mediator. You can probably manage each ‘rotation’ in around 30 minutes, although you can take longer if you wish to extend the process. The person who is acting as mediator should leave the room for ten minutes. The other two should decide on a conflict scenario to role play. They might, for example, act as: • A divorcing couple arguing over the split in the property and custody of the children; • Neighbours having a dispute about a land boundary; or • A line manager and subordinate disputing a performance review. Having decided the conflict scenario, they should take about five minutes separately to decide on their position. As mediator, the third person should then help them to work their way through a mediation process to try to reach a solution. After the exercise All three of you should sit down together and discuss the process. Consider: • What went well and badly for each of you; • How you each felt at each stage; and • Which bits of the process you found particularly hard and why. • As a result, are there particular interpersonal skills that you think you need to develop?

46

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

REFLECTIONS ON CHAPTER 4

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

47

CONCLUSION: SETTING YOURSELF SOME GOALS It should now be clear that good interpersonal skills, and particularly good communication skills, are essential to help you to resolve conflicts, whether your own, or as a mediator. We therefore suggest that you should write down three things which you are going to do to develop your interpersonal skills, as a result of reading this book:

1

2

3

In each case, make sure that your planned actions are SMART – Specific, Measurable, Action-focused, Realistic and Time-bound. You may find it helpful to do our Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment to get a more objective assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. You may also find the Interpersonal Skills section of our website useful, as well as our eBooks An Introduction to Communication Skills and Advanced Communication Skills. Don’t forget to check back in a few months’ time and look at your commitments against the timescale that you set!

48

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

ANSWERS TO EXERCISES EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING WHO IS INVOLVED (P. 10) a) b) c) d) e) f)

Child. The tone is fun and playful, inviting a playful response. Parent. There is a definite note of criticism in there. Adult. The tone is information-seeking and rational. Parent. Again, there is more than just a hint of criticism. Child. You can almost see the bottom lip stuck out. Adult. The tone is calm and rational.

EXERCISE: ENGAGING THE ADULT (P. 11) A suitable answer might be:

“I understand that it’s not your fault [responding to and reassuring the Child], but is there anything that you can do to help me?” This invites the other to say:

“Yes, I can give you a discount on a future purchase”, or “What would you like me to do?” or even “No, I’m afraid not, I have no discretion over this, but I can get someone more senior to talk to you if you like”. In each case, the Adult invites an Adult response from the recipient, but only once the Child has been reassured that they have been heard.

EXERCISE: SKILLS FOR NEGOTIATION (P. 22) Interpersonal skills which are likely to be particularly important for negotiation include: • Listening skills, to ensure that you understand the position; • Reflecting, clarifying, questioning and summarising to check your understanding; • Assertiveness to enable you to put your point across well and clearly, and help others to do so too; • A willingness to take responsibility together for what happens and a desire to find a win-win solution; • Strong self-esteem, to ensure that you value yourself; • The ‘other side of the coin’ from self-esteem, empathy, to be able to see others’ points of view. • The habits and skills of personal reflective practice.

EXERCISE: CLARIFICATION (P. 42) Possible signalling phrases include:

When you said [x], would it be fair to say that you meant…? I’m paraphrasing here, but I think I heard you say that…. It looks like this has made you feel … But there are many more.

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

49