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Ask For The Home Phone Number ........................................................................................................ 22 Asking For Her Home Phone Number, Part II ........................................................................................ 24 Her Secret Agenda ................................................................................................................................. 26 The Mind Games Women Play .............................................................................................................. 30 Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen Part I .......................................................................................... 33 Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen Part II ......................................................................................... 35 Did Jerry Seinfeld Ignore The Red Flags? .............................................................................................. 37 Will Jennifer Lopez Get Fitted for a Bulletproof Vest? .......................................................................... 39 Does Jane Fonda Speak A Secret Language? ......................................................................................... 42 Can A Woman With High Interest Level Break A Date? ........................................................................ 45 Does Begging Raise Her Interest Level? ................................................................................................ 48 Are Flexible Men More Successful in Relationships? ............................................................................ 50 Does James Bond Only Date Flexible Women? ..................................................................................... 52 When Are Women Happiest? ................................................................................................................ 54 The First Date Interview Test ................................................................................................................ 56 Does a Woman Feel Guilty When She Cheats? ..................................................................................... 57 What Could Peter Lynch Teach Men About Dating? ............................................................................. 59 When She Starts To Lose Interest ......................................................................................................... 61 Can You Go Back To The One Who Rejected You?................................................................................ 63 Can A Relationship Start Without The Home Phone Number? ............................................................. 65 Avoiding the Telephone Time Waster ................................................................................................... 68 Dating An Old Fashioned Woman ......................................................................................................... 70 Women Who Lose Interest In Stages .................................................................................................... 72 Women Who Flirt While Their Boyfriends Are Away ............................................................................ 75 How To Deal With Unwanted Women .................................................................................................. 77 Getting The Best Love Advice ................................................................................................................ 79 Men Who Marry Drifters: A Cautionary Tale ........................................................................................ 81 Should A Man Double Date With Jack Daniels? .................................................................................... 83 Dealing With The "Bait And Switch" At Work ....................................................................................... 85 Revealing Secrets On First Dates ........................................................................................................... 87 Is Love Stronger Than Prophecy? .......................................................................................................... 89 Can A Kiss Between Friends Be Forgiven? ............................................................................................. 92 What Can A Gigolo Teach Nice Guys? ................................................................................................... 95 Should Men Tolerate Broken Dates? .................................................................................................... 97

The Last Thing You Want Is To Be Friends............................................................................................. 99 Judge Judy Says, "Hearsay Doesn't Count" ......................................................................................... 102 Can Women Be Coaxed Into A Relationship?...................................................................................... 105 Why Would Women Mention Other Dates? ....................................................................................... 107 Should I Date My Buddy's Ex-girlfriend? ............................................................................................. 109 The Song Says, "Stand By Your Man" .................................................................................................. 112 Why Do Some Women Leave? ............................................................................................................ 114 Are You Leading Her On? .................................................................................................................... 116 Don't Be A Surrogate Boyfriend .......................................................................................................... 118 Always Be A Challenge With Women .................................................................................................. 121 What To Do With A Case Of "Sneak Up Love"..................................................................................... 123 The Golden Rule: Get Her Home Number ........................................................................................... 125 Can High Interest Level Conquer Resentment? .................................................................................. 127 Can She Love Without Touching You?................................................................................................. 129 Why Does She Always Bring Her Kid On The Date? ............................................................................ 131 Women Who Date For The Freebies ................................................................................................... 134 Can Men Avoid Game Players When Using Personal Ads? ................................................................. 136 Is She Giving You The Run-Around? .................................................................................................... 139 Is It Okay If Your Girl Dances With Another Man? .............................................................................. 141 Do Ernest and Julio Gallo Hold the Key to Women? ........................................................................... 144 Dealing With Mixed Messages ............................................................................................................ 146 Can You Turn Friendship Into Romance? ............................................................................................ 148 Is She A Material Girl? ......................................................................................................................... 150 Can Love Exist Without Trust?............................................................................................................. 152 Never Say "I Love You" First ................................................................................................................ 154 Should The Woman Come On Strong? ................................................................................................ 156 Is She Interested Right Away? ............................................................................................................. 159 Could George Costanza Succeed With Women?................................................................................. 161 Can A Guy Steal Another Guy's Girlfriend? ......................................................................................... 164 Are Beautiful Women Difficult To Approach? ..................................................................................... 166 If She Cheats, Must You Let Her Go?................................................................................................... 169 Getting Back Into The Dating Game .................................................................................................... 171 This Time, The Woman is Right ........................................................................................................... 174 Signs She's About To Dump You .......................................................................................................... 176

A Female Reader Is Upset.................................................................................................................... 178 Does Every Relationship Come With A Breakup? ............................................................................... 180 Who Really Wins With Women? ......................................................................................................... 183 Women Who Date For The Freebies ................................................................................................... 186 Women Who Intimidate Men ............................................................................................................. 189 How To Deal With A Rules Girl ............................................................................................................ 191 When She Wants To Be "Friends First" ............................................................................................... 194 Women Who Don't Kiss On First Dates ............................................................................................... 197 Should You Remain Forever A Challenge? .......................................................................................... 199 Picking Up New Age Women ............................................................................................................... 201 If She Pays, Is She Not Interested? ...................................................................................................... 203 The 3 Biggest Mistakes Men Make...................................................................................................... 206 Don't Be Her Stooge ............................................................................................................................ 208 The Key To Women Is Challenge ......................................................................................................... 211 Is Brad Pitt Whipped? .......................................................................................................................... 214 Women Who Say They'll Call But Never Do ........................................................................................ 217 Do Not Talk About Sex! ....................................................................................................................... 219 Don't Let Her Telephone Tricks Confuse You ...................................................................................... 222 Can You Be Too Nice To Women? ....................................................................................................... 226 You Must Wait A Week To Call Her ..................................................................................................... 229 The Key To Women Is Mystery ............................................................................................................ 232 Never Ask Women What They Want .................................................................................................. 233 Beware Of False Love Doctors ............................................................................................................. 236 Can't She Stop Talking About Her Exes?.............................................................................................. 238 Why Are Women Conniving? .............................................................................................................. 240 She Goes From Warm To Cold As Ice .................................................................................................. 243 What Does True Love Feel Like? ......................................................................................................... 246 Eliminate Your Competition By Being A Challenge ............................................................................. 249 Ask Women Out While Others Watch ................................................................................................. 251 The Power Of Feminine Grace............................................................................................................. 254 Do You Want To Be Worshipped Or Nagged? ..................................................................................... 256 Should You Ever Date A Liar? .............................................................................................................. 258 Don't Be Her Friend ............................................................................................................................. 260 Why Is That Babe With Such A Loser? ................................................................................................. 262

Should You Ever Forgive A Cheater? ................................................................................................... 264 Keep Your Lips Zipped ......................................................................................................................... 266 Doc Love: Are Men Just Jealous And Possessive? ............................................................................... 268 When Is A Date A "Real" Date? ........................................................................................................... 270 Do Men Like Women Who Take Initiative? ......................................................................................... 271 What Do I Say After She Turns Me Down? .......................................................................................... 273 Women Don't Want Men Who Are Available ..................................................................................... 275 Was She Hitting On Me Or Just Teasing? ............................................................................................ 278 The Ex In The Background Syndrome .................................................................................................. 280 Never Take Her Back If She Dumped You............................................................................................ 283 Her Kiss Tells You Everything............................................................................................................... 286 Is There Ever A Reason To Break A Date? ........................................................................................... 288 Can Gal-Pals Help You Meet Women? ................................................................................................ 290 How To Pass The Physical Attraction Test ........................................................................................... 292 Do Real Men Say, "I Love You"? .......................................................................................................... 294 The Art Of Interpreting Mixed Messages ............................................................................................ 296 The Pitfalls Of Dating A Married Woman ............................................................................................ 299 The Proper Execution Of The First Kiss................................................................................................ 301 Does She Love Me For My Money? ..................................................................................................... 303 Questions You Don't Ask On Dates ..................................................................................................... 306 She's Chatting Online With Her Ex ...................................................................................................... 309 3 Misconceptions Men Have About Women ...................................................................................... 311 The Cell vs. The Home Phone Number ................................................................................................ 313 What To Do If Your Woman Finds The System ................................................................................... 315 How To Spot A Gold Digger ................................................................................................................. 318 Avoiding The "Let's Be Friends" Syndrome ......................................................................................... 321 She's Kissing You, But She Has A Boyfriend......................................................................................... 323 Are You A "Nice Guy"?......................................................................................................................... 326 How To Handle Two Girlfriends .......................................................................................................... 328 Don't Give Up On Dating ..................................................................................................................... 331 Are You Intimidated By Taller Women? .............................................................................................. 333 Is A Woman's Jealousy A Good Thing? ................................................................................................ 335 Has Your Girlfriend Outgrown You? .................................................................................................... 338 Once She Says No, You're Gone .......................................................................................................... 340

You Have To Risk Rejection To Get Women ........................................................................................ 342 Why Are Some Men Pigs? ................................................................................................................... 344 How To Read A Woman's Interest Level ............................................................................................. 346 Women Who Break Dates ................................................................................................................... 348 When "The One" Isn't Pretty Enough .................................................................................................. 350 Hypnotize Women Into Wanting You.................................................................................................. 352 Are You Too Much Of A Challenge? .................................................................................................... 355 What If She's Too Busy For You? ......................................................................................................... 356 Should You Share Everything With Her? ............................................................................................. 358 Why Do Players Get The Women? ...................................................................................................... 360 Dating Challenges For Divorced Men .................................................................................................. 362 How To Overcome Your Shyness......................................................................................................... 364 Can Guys Be Too Much Of A Challenge? ............................................................................................. 366 Are Group Dates A Good Idea? ........................................................................................................... 368 Be Nice, Even If She's Not Single ......................................................................................................... 370 Should You Ever Call A Woman Right Away? ...................................................................................... 372 Why Do Women Constantly Test Men? .............................................................................................. 373 Are You Addicted To Rejection? .......................................................................................................... 375 Don't Give In To Double Standards ..................................................................................................... 377 Overcome Your Fear Of Rejection Forever ......................................................................................... 380 Should Guys Give Women What They Want? ..................................................................................... 382 Dating Tips For Divorced Dads ............................................................................................................ 385 When Women Break Dates ................................................................................................................. 387 Don't Let Any Woman Give You False Hope ....................................................................................... 389 When She Ignores You On A Date ....................................................................................................... 391 The Best Places To Meet Women........................................................................................................ 393 Are Women Hypocrites In The Dating Game? .................................................................................... 395 Are All Beautiful Women Narcissists? ................................................................................................. 398 Top 10 Questions To Ask Your Date .................................................................................................... 401 Using "The System" In School.............................................................................................................. 403 Does Hollywood Teach Men To Be Saps? ........................................................................................... 406 The Top 5 First-Date Blunders ............................................................................................................. 408 Do Compliments Raise Interest Level? ................................................................................................ 410 Why Do Some Hot Women Date Fat Guys? ........................................................................................ 413

Can You Pressure A Woman Into Loving You? .................................................................................... 415 Are Women Brainwashed?.................................................................................................................. 418 Women Who Use Men ........................................................................................................................ 421 5 Signs She's Interested In You ............................................................................................................ 423 Is Her Jealousy Justified? ..................................................................................................................... 425 Should You Ever Tell A Woman Off? ................................................................................................... 427 Are Women Hypocrites Concerning Looks? ........................................................................................ 430 Avoid Becoming Her "Friend".............................................................................................................. 432 Apply "The System" To Speed Dating.................................................................................................. 435 When Is A Broken Date Not Bad News? .............................................................................................. 438 5 Reasons To Dump Your Date ............................................................................................................ 440 Is E-Mail Anti-Challenge?..................................................................................................................... 444 What Happens When You Reject A Beautiful Woman? ...................................................................... 446 How To Handle A Flaky Woman .......................................................................................................... 448 How To Keep Beautiful Women Interested ........................................................................................ 451 Top 5 Female "Brush-Off" Phrases ...................................................................................................... 452 Can Beautiful Women Be Loyal? ......................................................................................................... 453 Can The System Save A Marriage? ...................................................................................................... 455 Never Stray From "The System" .......................................................................................................... 456 What To Do When She Keeps Her Ex Around ..................................................................................... 457 When Women Give You Mixed Signals ............................................................................................... 458 Should You Trust Her? ......................................................................................................................... 459 Never Give Women Too Much, Too Soon ........................................................................................... 461 How Do You Go From Friendship To More?........................................................................................ 462 Never Beg Women For A Second Chance ........................................................................................... 463 Can "The System" Ruin A Relationship? .............................................................................................. 465 Can Long-Distance Relationships Work? ............................................................................................. 466 Why Women Suddenly Change Attitudes ........................................................................................... 468 Don't Let Women Play You .................................................................................................................. 469 When Should You Get Closure? .......................................................................................................... 470 How To Keep Women Interested ........................................................................................................ 472 Is It Wrong To Date A Buddy's Ex? ...................................................................................................... 475 Never Let A Woman Walk All Over You .............................................................................................. 478 Should You Believe Her Or Your Eyes? ................................................................................................ 481

Should You Give In To Her Ultimatums? ............................................................................................. 483 Is A Woman's Rejection Always Final? ................................................................................................ 486 She Won't Commit But Won't Let Go.................................................................................................. 489 Should You Stay Friends With An Ex? .................................................................................................. 492 Should You Cheat To Keep Her Interested? ........................................................................................ 495 Did She Reject You Or Your Kids? ........................................................................................................ 498 It's Women's Actions That Matter....................................................................................................... 501 The Ultimate Dating Turnoff ............................................................................................................... 504 Why Won't She Call You "Boyfriend"? ................................................................................................ 506 Are Long Phone Chats Dangerous? ..................................................................................................... 509 Is Instant High Interest Dangerous? .................................................................................................... 512 Does The Average Guy Stand A Chance? ............................................................................................ 514 Getting The Girl Next Door .................................................................................................................. 517 Will "The System" Make You Someone You're Not? ........................................................................... 520 Is Getting Her Cell Number Ever Okay?............................................................................................... 523 Is The System More Important Than Your Woman? ........................................................................... 525 When Your Girl Ignores You At Work .................................................................................................. 528 Is "Dropping By" Ever Okay? ............................................................................................................... 531 Where Can Guys Meet Great Women? ............................................................................................... 533 Are Some Women Too Good To Be True? .......................................................................................... 537 Does The System Bring Out The Worst In Women?............................................................................ 539 Can You Ever Take It Too Slow? .......................................................................................................... 542 Do Women Respond Well To Pressure?.............................................................................................. 545 Should I Choose Her Or My Dog? ........................................................................................................ 547 How Do I Break The Ice?...................................................................................................................... 550 Should You Ever Date Your Student? .................................................................................................. 554 Is Dating Only Easy If You're Good-Looking?....................................................................................... 556 Does Speed Dating Really Work? ........................................................................................................ 560 Can Lying Make Her Interest Level Drop? ........................................................................................... 562 Does Interest Level Depend On Beauty? ............................................................................................. 565 Why Do Women Love Rock Stars? ...................................................................................................... 567 Is Instant Messaging Anti-Challenge? ................................................................................................. 570 Do All Men Need Prenups? ................................................................................................................. 573 Do You Stand A Chance With A Barmaid? ........................................................................................... 576

Can You Help Out The Whipped Guys? ............................................................................................... 578 Should You Ever Apologize? ................................................................................................................ 581 Does Michael Douglas Worry That His Wife Will Cheat? .................................................................... 584 Would Spielberg Let Kate Capshaw Go Sailing With Her Ex? .............................................................. 587 Does Ben Affleck Fight Over His Date?................................................................................................ 589 Did Jane Fonda Listen To The Angels When She Dumped Ted Turner?.............................................. 591 Are All Beautiful Women Stupid? ........................................................................................................ 594 Should I Mind If She Brings A Pal Along?............................................................................................. 596 Why Do Married Women Flirt? ........................................................................................................... 600 Is Being Picky Dangerous? ................................................................................................................... 602 Should You Bother With A Daddy's Girl?............................................................................................. 605 What Happens When She Hates Your Gift? ........................................................................................ 608 Everything You Need To Know About Online Personals ..................................................................... 611 Picking Up Women At Your Workplace ............................................................................................... 614 Is It Okay To Practice On Ugly Chicks?................................................................................................. 617 Is Anyone Too Young For The System? ............................................................................................... 619 Should You Always Buy Her Womanese? ............................................................................................ 622 Should I Snoop On Her? ...................................................................................................................... 625 Make That Date & Hang Up................................................................................................................. 628 Should You Take Her Back? ................................................................................................................. 631 The Worst Dating Mistakes ................................................................................................................. 633 Is "Hitch" A Real Date Doctor? ............................................................................................................ 637 Going After A Desperate Housewife ................................................................................................... 641 Should You Tell One Woman About The Other? ................................................................................. 644 Do All Women Leave Men For The Same Reason? ............................................................................. 646 Should Guys Use A Matchmaker? ....................................................................................................... 650 Dating A Coworker .............................................................................................................................. 653 Should You Test Her Before Tying The Knot? ...................................................................................... 657 Is Her Dancing With Other Men Acceptable? ..................................................................................... 660 Do Women Listen To That "He's Just Not Into You" Garbage? ........................................................... 663 Is Porn Ruining Your Relationship? ..................................................................................................... 666 Can 50-Year-Old Divorced Guys Get Younger Women?...................................................................... 669 Should Doc Love Write A New Book?.................................................................................................. 673 Would Real Men Put Up With An Arguer? .......................................................................................... 676

Why Moving Too Fast Is Dangerous .................................................................................................... 679 Are You In Denial Over Her Actions? ................................................................................................... 682 What If It Looks Like She Has A Boyfriend? ......................................................................................... 686 At What Point Should Every Man Walk Away? ................................................................................... 689 Should Men Trust Their Intuition? ...................................................................................................... 694 Can Women Become Interested Over Time? ...................................................................................... 697 Top 5 Things That Lower Interest Level............................................................................................... 700 Is "The System" Too Powerful? ........................................................................................................... 703 Can Her Interest Vanish Overnight? .................................................................................................... 707 Did Brad Have To Soothe Jen's Insecurities?....................................................................................... 711 Is It Okay If She Hangs Out With Another Man? ................................................................................. 714 Is It Normal To Want Your Ex Back? .................................................................................................... 717 Does Her Sexual Past Bother You? ...................................................................................................... 720 Would Jude Law Care If She Had A Boyfriend? ................................................................................... 724 Do Women Use Any Excuse To Dump You? ........................................................................................ 727 Should You Tell Her All About Your Past? ........................................................................................... 730 Reuniting With The One That Got Away ............................................................................................. 733 Can Poor Guys Get Hot Women? ........................................................................................................ 736 How To Deal With Bored Married Women ......................................................................................... 740 Is It Good To Marry A Celebrity? ......................................................................................................... 743 Has My Girlfriend Lost It? .................................................................................................................... 746 Should You Ever Reveal Your Flaws To Women? ................................................................................ 749 Does Giving You Her E-mail Address Show Low Interest? .................................................................. 752 Why Does Her Interest Level Flip-Flop? .............................................................................................. 756 Are All Women Liars? .......................................................................................................................... 760 Can Beautiful Women Be Trusted? ..................................................................................................... 764 She's Losing Interest, Should You Start Flirting? ................................................................................. 767 Meeting Women & Making Dates Online ........................................................................................... 771 Flipping Over Rejection ....................................................................................................................... 774 Do You Let Women Use You? .............................................................................................................. 777 Can You Deal With Beautiful Women?................................................................................................ 782 Dating A Conservative Chick ................................................................................................................ 785 Dealing With Being Stood Up .............................................................................................................. 789 Toughing Out Tradition ....................................................................................................................... 792

Can You Be Too Good Looking?........................................................................................................... 795 When Women Don't Like You ............................................................................................................. 799 She Won't Leave Her Husband ............................................................................................................ 802 Did Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? ...................................................................................... 805 Passing The Parent Test....................................................................................................................... 808 Dissing The System .............................................................................................................................. 811 Handling Her Guy Friends.................................................................................................................... 814 When She's A Pushover ....................................................................................................................... 816 Timing The First Kiss ............................................................................................................................ 816 She Sends Mixed Signals ..................................................................................................................... 819 She's Latching On Too Soon ................................................................................................................ 822 Dealing With Your Ex-Wife .................................................................................................................. 826 She's Hot But Crazy ............................................................................................................................. 829 Revealing Your Dating Strategies ........................................................................................................ 832 Busted By Caller ID .............................................................................................................................. 835 She's Playing You For A Fool ................................................................................................................ 839 Can Weirdos Score With Women? ...................................................................................................... 841 Is She A Serial Dater?........................................................................................................................... 845 She Uses The System On You .............................................................................................................. 848 She's After Your Money....................................................................................................................... 851 Can You Trust Your Mistress?.............................................................................................................. 854 Do Attractive Guys Need The System? ................................................................................................ 857 What Turned Her Off? ......................................................................................................................... 861 Should You Wait On Her? .................................................................................................................... 863 Will She Forgive You? .......................................................................................................................... 866 How Much Does One Date Matter? .................................................................................................... 870 Keep Your Past In The Past .................................................................................................................. 873 Save The Arguing For Later.................................................................................................................. 876 How Long Can You Stay A Challenge? ................................................................................................. 878 Should I Joke About Her Looks? .......................................................................................................... 881 Approaching On Her Rebound ............................................................................................................ 884 Don't Be Needy.................................................................................................................................... 887 She's Fooling Around ........................................................................................................................... 890 On-Again, Off-Again Relationships ...................................................................................................... 893

She's A Man Magnet ........................................................................................................................... 895 She's Getting Fat.................................................................................................................................. 898 Is She Available? .................................................................................................................................. 901 Her Dreams vs. Reality ........................................................................................................................ 903 She Wants To Come Back .................................................................................................................... 906 Beware Of Waitresses ......................................................................................................................... 909 Should You Move On? ......................................................................................................................... 912 Control Your Interest Level.................................................................................................................. 915 The System & Older Women ............................................................................................................... 918 Is A Group Date Still A Date? ............................................................................................................... 920 Don't Be Her Rebound Guy ................................................................................................................. 924 Dating Ugly Girls .................................................................................................................................. 927 Don't Do Her Any Favors ..................................................................................................................... 929 Dealing With Blockers ......................................................................................................................... 932 Doc Love: She Cheated ........................................................................................................................ 935 Doc Love: She Has Issues ..................................................................................................................... 938 Flirting With Married Women ............................................................................................................. 941 Dating Your Ex's Friend........................................................................................................................ 943 Don't Ask Her Out Too Soon ................................................................................................................ 946 She Has Baggage.................................................................................................................................. 949 Get Her Number .................................................................................................................................. 952 Is Her Flirting Serious? ......................................................................................................................... 955 Dealing With Her Abusive Past ............................................................................................................ 957 She Won't Call Back ............................................................................................................................. 960 Dating Outside Your Culture ............................................................................................................... 963 Wanting Your Friend's Girlfriend ......................................................................................................... 965 Discussing Old Girlfriends .................................................................................................................... 968 Don't Push Her Away ........................................................................................................................... 971 Her Ex Is Back ...................................................................................................................................... 974 Leaving One Woman For Another ....................................................................................................... 976 She Has A Kid ....................................................................................................................................... 979 Dating Older Women........................................................................................................................... 982 She's Touchy-Feely .............................................................................................................................. 984

She Likes Older Men ............................................................................................................................ 987 White Trash Women ........................................................................................................................... 990 Doc Love: Ask Her Out ......................................................................................................................... 993 Fighting Her Family .............................................................................................................................. 995 She's Spreading Rumors ...................................................................................................................... 998 Long Distance Relationships .............................................................................................................. 1001 Getting Over Your Ex ......................................................................................................................... 1003 She Won't Call ................................................................................................................................... 1006 She Gives Ultimatums ....................................................................................................................... 1008 Hiding Interest ................................................................................................................................... 1011 She Moved In..................................................................................................................................... 1014 She's Older......................................................................................................................................... 1017 Getting Rid Of Her Ex......................................................................................................................... 1019 Her Dating Past .................................................................................................................................. 1022 Revealing Your Feelings ..................................................................................................................... 1025 She's Cheating ................................................................................................................................... 1027 She's On The Rebound....................................................................................................................... 1030 Dating After Divorce .......................................................................................................................... 1032 She's Inconsistent .............................................................................................................................. 1035 Doc Love: She's Violent ..................................................................................................................... 1038 Doc Love: Communication Problems ................................................................................................ 1040 Doc Love: Getting A First Date .......................................................................................................... 1043 Doc Love: Cheating On Her ............................................................................................................... 1046 Doc Love: She's Acting Distant .......................................................................................................... 1048 Doc Love: Women From The Past ..................................................................................................... 1051 Doc Love: Forgiving A Cheater .......................................................................................................... 1054 Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge ................................................................................................. 1057 She Has A Boyfriend .......................................................................................................................... 1059 Doc Love: She Wants Time Off .......................................................................................................... 1062 Doc Love: Is She Trustworthy? .......................................................................................................... 1065 Doc Love: Is It Too Late To Call Her? ................................................................................................. 1067 Doc Love: When Should You Call Her? .............................................................................................. 1070 Doc Love: Dealing With An Alpha Female ......................................................................................... 1072

Doc Love: Her Choice Of Friends ....................................................................................................... 1075 Doc Love: Is He A Threat? .................................................................................................................. 1077 Doc Love: She Contradicts Herself .................................................................................................... 1080 Doc Love: Roommate Romance ........................................................................................................ 1082 Doc Love: Getting Over Her ............................................................................................................... 1085 Doc Love: Giving Mixed Signals ......................................................................................................... 1088 Doc Love: Asking For A Relationship ................................................................................................. 1091 Doc Love: She Flirts With Other Guys ............................................................................................... 1093 Doc Love: Her Ex Obsessions ............................................................................................................. 1096 Doc Love: She's Lukewarm ................................................................................................................ 1098 Doc Love: Giving Up On Marriage ..................................................................................................... 1101 Moving A Relationship Forward ........................................................................................................ 1104 She Avoids Your Kiss .......................................................................................................................... 1107 Doc Love: Dealing With Moody Women ........................................................................................... 1110 Doc Love: Starting To Date ................................................................................................................ 1112 Doc Love: Playing Hard To Get .......................................................................................................... 1115 Doc Love: She Has A Boyfriend.......................................................................................................... 1118 Doc Love: Can A Relationship Survive War?...................................................................................... 1121 Does Dating Have To Lead To A Relationship? .................................................................................. 1124 Doc Love: Being "Just Friends" .......................................................................................................... 1126 Is There Such A Thing As Bad Timing? ............................................................................................... 1128 Can The System Keep A Marriage Alive? ........................................................................................... 1131 Doc Love: Being A Challenge On The Internet .................................................................................. 1134 Doc Love: Are Flight Attendants Dateable? ...................................................................................... 1137 Doc Love: Get Attention From Women ............................................................................................. 1140 Doc Love: When Should You Call A Girl? ........................................................................................... 1143 Doc Love: Too Much Too Soon .......................................................................................................... 1145 Doc Love: Her Ex Came Back ............................................................................................................. 1147 Doc Love: Making Your Next Move ................................................................................................... 1150 Doc Love: Being The Third Wheel ..................................................................................................... 1152 Doc Love: In Love With A Stripper ..................................................................................................... 1155 Doc Love: Dating After Divorce ......................................................................................................... 1158 Doc Love: Everyone's Getting Involved ............................................................................................. 1161

Doc Love: Stuck In The Smoking Section ........................................................................................... 1163 Doc Love: She's Flirting Online .......................................................................................................... 1166 Doc Love: Confused By Her Double-Talk ........................................................................................... 1168 Doc Love: Married But Needing Variety ............................................................................................ 1171 Doc Love: Blindsided By Love ............................................................................................................ 1174 Doc Love: Long-Distance Love ........................................................................................................... 1176 Doc Love: Maintain Challenge When You Have A Crush ................................................................... 1179 Doc Love: Friend Or Foe? .................................................................................................................. 1182 Doc Love: Imperfect Strangers .......................................................................................................... 1184 Doc Love: Going out with beautiful women...................................................................................... 1186 Doc Love: Choosing The Better Woman............................................................................................ 1186 Doc Love: Moving Out ....................................................................................................................... 1189 Doc Love: Open Up To Her? .............................................................................................................. 1192 Doc Love: Her Past Lovers ................................................................................................................. 1195 Doc Love: Trapped In Love ................................................................................................................ 1198 Doc Love: Is She Leading You On? ..................................................................................................... 1200 Doc Love: Keep Your Distance ........................................................................................................... 1202 Doc Love: She's Just Not That Into You ............................................................................................. 1205 Doc Love: Jealousy Troubles.............................................................................................................. 1208 Doc Love: The Call ............................................................................................................................. 1210 Doc Love: Love Won't Wait ............................................................................................................... 1213 Doc Love: Read The Signs .................................................................................................................. 1216 Doc Love: Trapped In The Friend Zone.............................................................................................. 1218 Doc Love: Family Problems ............................................................................................................... 1220 Doc Love: Relationship Breaks .......................................................................................................... 1223 Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge ................................................................................................. 1226 Doc Love: On Other Love Doctors ..................................................................................................... 1228 Doc Love: Taking Love Too Fast ......................................................................................................... 1230 Doc Love: Bros Before Hos ................................................................................................................ 1233 Doc Love: When Her Ex Comes Home ............................................................................................... 1235 Doc Love: Women Who Play Games ................................................................................................. 1238 Doc Love: She's In A Relationship ...................................................................................................... 1241 Doc Love: Uncomfortable With The Way She Dresses...................................................................... 1244 Doc Love: She Likes Drinking With Her Ex ......................................................................................... 1248

Doc Love: How To Handle A Meddling Ex ......................................................................................... 1250 Doc Love: Dating The Same Girl? ...................................................................................................... 1253 Doc Love: Can You Trust Her? ........................................................................................................... 1255 Doc Love: What Her Busy Schedule Means....................................................................................... 1257 Doc Love: When You're Stuck On Her ............................................................................................... 1261 Doc Love: Dating Other People ......................................................................................................... 1264 Doc Love: Low Interest Level ............................................................................................................. 1266 Doc Love: Know When To Back Off ................................................................................................... 1270 Doc Love: When She Needs Time To Think ....................................................................................... 1272 Doc Love: She Won't Stop Texting .................................................................................................... 1275 Doc Love: Too Many Women To Choose From ................................................................................. 1278 Doc Love: Move Past The Friend Zone .............................................................................................. 1280 Doc Love: Wasting Time With The Wrong Woman ........................................................................... 1283 Doc Love: She Cheated On You ......................................................................................................... 1286 Doc Love: Dating Before Divorce ....................................................................................................... 1288 Doc Love: Yelling At Your Live-In Girlfriend....................................................................................... 1291 Doc Love: When Your Woman Is A Mistress ..................................................................................... 1293 Doc Love: Take It Slow ....................................................................................................................... 1295 Doc Love: Revealing Too Much ......................................................................................................... 1299 Doc Love: Second Chances ................................................................................................................ 1301 Doc Love: Keep Her Around .............................................................................................................. 1304 Doc Love: Long-Distance Dating ........................................................................................................ 1306 Doc Love: Dating A Friend’s Ex .......................................................................................................... 1308 Doc Love: When She’s Never Wrong................................................................................................. 1310 Doc Love: She's Not Following The Rules .......................................................................................... 1312 Doc Love: You're All-In, But She's Not ............................................................................................... 1313 Doc Love: Dealing With Rejection ..................................................................................................... 1316 Doc Love: Final Decision .................................................................................................................... 1319 Doc Love: Hot And Cold ..................................................................................................................... 1321 Doc Love: Keeping Cool When She's Too Warm ............................................................................... 1324 Doc Love: Slow It Down ..................................................................................................................... 1326 Doc Love: Waiting In Vain.................................................................................................................. 1329 Doc Love: Exit Signs ........................................................................................................................... 1331 Doc Love: Sharing Emotional Scars ................................................................................................... 1333

Doc Love: Dazed And Confused......................................................................................................... 1336 Doc Love: The Other Woman ............................................................................................................ 1339 Doc Love: Better Off Alone ................................................................................................................ 1341 Doc Love: You're Not Interested ....................................................................................................... 1345 Doc Love: Moving On ........................................................................................................................ 1347 Doc Love: Asking Too Much .............................................................................................................. 1349 Doc Love: Challenge Or Playing Games? ........................................................................................... 1352 Doc Love: Tough Decisions ................................................................................................................ 1355 Doc Love: In Love With Someone Else .............................................................................................. 1357 Doc Love: It's Over ............................................................................................................................. 1359 Doc Love: She's A Player .................................................................................................................... 1362 Doc Love: Give Up ............................................................................................................................. 1366 Doc Love: Reasons For Rejection ...................................................................................................... 1368 Doc Love: Getting Stood Up .............................................................................................................. 1371 Doc Love: Get Her Back ..................................................................................................................... 1373 Doc Love: She's Not Loyal.................................................................................................................. 1376 Doc Love: She Wants Out .................................................................................................................. 1378 Doc Love: Receiving Mixed Signals .................................................................................................... 1381 Missing articles: ................................................................................................................................. 1383 Continuation ...................................................................................................................................... 1385 Doc Love: Still Married ...................................................................................................................... 1385 Doc Love: Moving Too Fast ............................................................................................................... 1387 Doc Love: Three's Company .............................................................................................................. 1389 Doc Love: International Dating .......................................................................................................... 1391 Doc Love: Getting Used ..................................................................................................................... 1394 Doc Love: Her Self-Esteem Issues...................................................................................................... 1396 Doc Love: Breaking The Rules............................................................................................................ 1398 Doc Love: Escape The Friend Zone .................................................................................................... 1400 Doc Love: Love Or Lust? .................................................................................................................... 1403 Doc Love: Dealing With A Breakup .................................................................................................... 1405 Doc Love: Her Wandering Eye ........................................................................................................... 1408 Doc Love: Trust Issues ....................................................................................................................... 1410 Doc Love: Dating An Older Woman................................................................................................... 1412 Doc Love: She's A Liar ........................................................................................................................ 1414

Doc Love: Just Friends ....................................................................................................................... 1416 She's Insecure .................................................................................................................................... 1418 Play Hard To Get ................................................................................................................................ 1421 Long-Distance Relationships ............................................................................................................. 1423 Her Guy Friends ................................................................................................................................. 1425 Playing The Field ................................................................................................................................ 1427 She Is Using You................................................................................................................................. 1429 She Is In A Relationship ..................................................................................................................... 1431 Spot The Red Flags ............................................................................................................................ 1433 She's Moving Away............................................................................................................................ 1435 When To Break Up ............................................................................................................................ 1437 Signs Of Cheating............................................................................................................................... 1440 Dating Young Women ....................................................................................................................... 1442 Save A Marriage ................................................................................................................................ 1443 She Has A Child .................................................................................................................................. 1445 Doc Love: She's Not Interested ......................................................................................................... 1447 She Broke Up With Me ...................................................................................................................... 1450 She's Married..................................................................................................................................... 1452 Why She Lost Interest ....................................................................................................................... 1454 Change For A Girl ............................................................................................................................... 1456 She Won't Ask Me Out ...................................................................................................................... 1459 When To Propose? ............................................................................................................................ 1461 How To Ask A Girl Out ....................................................................................................................... 1463 Conservative Women ........................................................................................................................ 1464 Open Relationships: Doc Love ........................................................................................................... 1467 Low Self-Esteem ................................................................................................................................ 1468 A Married Woman ............................................................................................................................. 1471 You're In Love .................................................................................................................................... 1472 Chasing A Girl .................................................................................................................................... 1474 Depression And Dating ...................................................................................................................... 1476 Challenge In A Relationship ............................................................................................................... 1478 How To Get A Girl's Number ............................................................................................................. 1480 Can She Change? ............................................................................................................................... 1482 Being Needy ...................................................................................................................................... 1484

Relationship Insecurity ...................................................................................................................... 1486 When Should I Text Her? ................................................................................................................... 1488 When To Move On ............................................................................................................................ 1490 Dating A Coworker ............................................................................................................................ 1492 She Is Busy ......................................................................................................................................... 1494 Overweight Girlfriend ........................................................................................................................ 1496 Lack Of Interest ................................................................................................................................. 1497 She Has A Long-Term Boyfriend ........................................................................................................ 1499 Dating Stages ..................................................................................................................................... 1501 Why She Broke Up With Me.............................................................................................................. 1503 Does She Like Me?............................................................................................................................. 1505 Dating And Kissing ............................................................................................................................. 1507 Betraying A Friend ............................................................................................................................. 1508 Date After Divorce ............................................................................................................................. 1510 Cheating In Relationships .................................................................................................................. 1512 Her Ex Is Texting ................................................................................................................................ 1513 Killing Challenge ................................................................................................................................ 1515 Low Interest Level ............................................................................................................................. 1517 She Doesn't Want A Relationship ...................................................................................................... 1519 Dating Friends.................................................................................................................................... 1520 Should I Wait For Her? ...................................................................................................................... 1522 Moving Fast ....................................................................................................................................... 1524 How To Work A Long-Distance Relationship ..................................................................................... 1526 How To Get A Girl To Like You........................................................................................................... 1527 Flirting While In A Relationship ......................................................................................................... 1529 A Christian Girlfriend ......................................................................................................................... 1531 She Has A Boyfriend .......................................................................................................................... 1533 Does She Love Me? ........................................................................................................................... 1534 Texting On A Date.............................................................................................................................. 1536 Waiting For A Date ............................................................................................................................ 1537 The New Guy ..................................................................................................................................... 1539 Patience With Women ...................................................................................................................... 1541 Is She A Friend Or More?................................................................................................................... 1543 Trust Issues ........................................................................................................................................ 1544

Coming On Too Strong ...................................................................................................................... 1546 Follow-Up Date .................................................................................................................................. 1548 Moving Away ..................................................................................................................................... 1550 Her Way Or The Highway .................................................................................................................. 1552 Arranged Marriage ............................................................................................................................ 1553 How To Regain Trust ......................................................................................................................... 1555 Keep Your Interest Level Low ............................................................................................................ 1557 Rebound Relationships ...................................................................................................................... 1559 Dating Your Friend............................................................................................................................. 1561 Leaving For School ............................................................................................................................. 1562 Rationalizing ...................................................................................................................................... 1564 Mother Issues .................................................................................................................................... 1566 Doc Love: Getting Stood Up .............................................................................................................. 1568 Pleading ............................................................................................................................................. 1570 Her Scars And Baggage ...................................................................................................................... 1572 Too Good Looking.............................................................................................................................. 1574 Her Interest ....................................................................................................................................... 1575 On To The Next .................................................................................................................................. 1577 Flings .................................................................................................................................................. 1579 Dating At Work .................................................................................................................................. 1581 Lost Interest....................................................................................................................................... 1582 Dating Your Best Friend ..................................................................................................................... 1584 Dealing With Red Flags ...................................................................................................................... 1586 She Was Dumped .............................................................................................................................. 1588 An Older Woman ............................................................................................................................... 1589 Turned Off ......................................................................................................................................... 1591 Past Love............................................................................................................................................ 1593 Not Available ..................................................................................................................................... 1595 Get Her Back ...................................................................................................................................... 1597 Expressing Feelings ....................................................................................................................... 1599 Reading Her Signals ...................................................................................................................... 1601 She Doesn't Love You ................................................................................................................... 1603 She Wants You Back ..................................................................................................................... 1605 The Other Man ................................................................................................................................ 1607

Getting To Know Her ...................................................................................................................... 1610 Her Interest Level ........................................................................................................................... 1612 Keeping It Light and Playful .......................................................................................................... 1614 Counter Offer ................................................................................................................................... 1617 You're Just A Friend ....................................................................................................................... 1619 Girlfriend And Her Ex ..................................................................................................................... 1621 Loyalty Is Everything ...................................................................................................................... 1623 Don't Repeat The Same Old Mistakes ........................................................................................ 1625 The Right Time To Ask Her Out ................................................................................................... 1628 Hopeless Romantics ...................................................................................................................... 1630 Win Her Back................................................................................................................................... 1633 Broken Dates ................................................................................................................................... 1635 Dating And Alcohol ......................................................................................................................... 1638 Women With "Man Issues" ............................................................................................................ 1641 Keep Her Interested ....................................................................................................................... 1643 How To Ask A Coworker Out ........................................................................................................ 1646 Are You Too Intimidating? ............................................................................................................. 1648 Too Available ................................................................................................................................... 1651 The Friend-Zone Problem ............................................................................................................. 1653 Long Distance Relationships Don't Work.................................................................................... 1655 She Loves Him More ...................................................................................................................... 1657 Living With Unemployment ........................................................................................................... 1660 Lying Girlfriend ................................................................................................................................ 1662 She Cancels Dates ......................................................................................................................... 1665 Earn Her Respect ........................................................................................................................... 1667 The Honeymoon Phase ................................................................................................................. 1670 Rules Of The Friend Zone ............................................................................................................. 1672 You're Too Needy ........................................................................................................................... 1675 Make Yourself Unavailable ........................................................................................................... 1677 She's Not Flexible ........................................................................................................................... 1679 Adulterous Relationships ............................................................................................................... 1681 Mixed Messages ............................................................................................................................. 1684 She's Disrespectful ......................................................................................................................... 1686 Build Physical Attraction ................................................................................................................ 1689

Don't Pressure Her ......................................................................................................................... 1691 YES, IT'S TRUE. YOU NEED TO FINALLY LET HER GO...................................................... 1694 Learn To Say No ............................................................................................................................. 1694 Self-Esteem Issues......................................................................................................................... 1696 Lasting Relationships ..................................................................................................................... 1699 Don't Be A Pushover ...................................................................................................................... 1701 Second Chances............................................................................................................................. 1704 Know When To Move On .............................................................................................................. 1707 Texting Women ............................................................................................................................... 1709 Long-Distance Dating..................................................................................................................... 1711 Maintaining Challenge Over Distance ......................................................................................... 1714 Dealing With Mixed Signals .......................................................................................................... 1716 Dating Tricks.................................................................................................................................... 1719 Avoiding Rejection .......................................................................................................................... 1721 She Makes The First Move ........................................................................................................... 1724 Finding The Right Girl .................................................................................................................... 1727 Living A Fantasy ............................................................................................................................. 1729 She Needs Space ........................................................................................................................... 1731 Saving Your Relationship .............................................................................................................. 1734 Keep Your Patience ....................................................................................................................... 1736 Should I Give My Girlfriend A Second Chance? ........................................................................ 1738

Ask For The Home Phone Number Woman's first impression is very important Grasshopper - Chinese proverb The experts [other love doctors] never talk about the effect that Challenge has on a woman's Interest Level - The Reality Factor Success with women begins with the understanding that dating is all posture and

negotiation - Fast Eddie Love While interviewing thousands of women and studying their romantic choices over the past thirty years, I also worked as a salesman (for many companies) in order to sustain myself. I've taken training sessions from the best sales managers and I've heard motivational speeches from the most inspirational speakers - and they all had one thing in common. At the end of each speech, I would always hear, "You can have the greatest sales presentation in the world, but You gotta close!" A little example: Let me give you a war story . Imagine that Tom, the peddler, goes into Mr. and Mrs. Love's home at 7 P.M. to sell aluminum siding for $9883.62. In their minds, they are just looking and there is no chance that they plan to part with the most precious of all their belongings - their money. Four hours later, wearing a Julia Roberts smile, Tom gets into his car with a deposit check and a signed contract - how sweet it is! Tom only gave a fair presentation, but he didn't flinch when asking for the order. He was confident as he handed Mr. Love the pen and said, almost too calmly, "Please Okay this, Mr. Love." They stared at the contract for two minutes and 15 seconds - you could have cut the tension in the air with a knife. Tom didn't budge, even though it felt like his heart would explode through his chest. He and Mr. Love both felt the pressure of the standoff - like the final scenes in a spaghetti western. But finally Mr. Love caved in and signed the contract. Ask any sales manager what their best salespeople have in common and they will tell you it is their ability to ask for the order - to close the deal. Ask for the phone number! Some guys come to my coaching seminars over and over again because they always learn more. At one seminar during a break, one atypical student told me about a girl he had met at a party. I asked him if he got her home phone number to which he answered that he didn't ask. In my seminars I say no less than 20 times, "Ask for the home phone number." One day this student will get past his fragile ego and ask for the order - some guys just take longer. Suppose that Tom meets Jill for the first time at a big wedding reception. He talks to her and he thinks she has a positive Interest Level. Why? Because she is giving Tom buying signals . He asks Jill what her name is and waits for her to ask him his name - which she does - 50% don't. Her eyes seem to beam and get bigger the more they talk. Jill taps Tom's arm twice during their 10-minute conversation and she even asks him semi-personal questions. Why? Because she has high Interest Level - 75% to 80%.

Tom knows how to leave Jill wanting more, by being a Challenge and cutting the conversation first (women always leave first - in everything). He accomplishes this by asking Jill for her home phone number and once he gets his answer, he leaves - unlike all of the other men that she is no longer seeing. Jill's response, made up of her enthusiasm, body language and the tone of her voice, will tell Tom whether or not she has (initial) high Interest Level in him, or if she deserves an Academy Award for flirting when she is not interested.

Asking For Her Home Phone Number, Part II Ask her for her home phone number, and stop her in her tracks - General Love Always ask for the home phone number, so you can see what she really wants - Doc Love. She thinks you are confident when you ask her for home phone number without apologizing - Sal "The Fish" Love. Let's talk odds. If you are at a wedding and your brother is getting married, and his fiancée's girlfriends are there, the odds of you getting some (yes, some!) home phone numbers are a lot better than when at a regular party. If you are at a party the odds are a lot better than being at a club (classy for "bar"). For you Psych majors, this means the odds of you approaching a woman and getting her home phone number decrease as the environment becomes less intimate and more public.

observe her interest level If you are talking to a girl, ask for the home phone number even if she shows no signs of interest. If you are on the freeway and the women next to you signals for you to let her in, make a motion for her to lower her window and ask for the home phone number. So what if she says she is happily married, it doesn't matter because practice leads to perfection! If you see a woman that grabs your attention, make eye contact, smile, go up to her and ask, "Is there a beauty contest here today?" Another opening line that is never used is: - "I would really appreciate you helping me meet someone." - "Sure." - "Please introduce yourself to me."

The first time you judge her Interest Level , is when you ask her for her home phone number. Tom sees Caprice at a wedding and he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He walks up and says, - "Hi. Nice wedding!" - "Yes, it is." - "What is your name?" - "My name is Caprice." A moment of silence follows and then Tom says, "Nice to meet you Caprice", followed by another moment of silence. Caprice either has zero Interest Level or no class. Tom knows he should move on, and should not give Caprice his name. Why? He was looking for buying signals and didn't get any. If she had any Interest Level , she would have asked Tom for his name. Notice, Tom did not offer his name like all the other guys who don't know to evaluate her Interest Level or attitude. Why? They have no "System" to coach them. If Caprice asked Tom for his name, it would have indicated that she may have had Interest Level , was simply polite, or both. Tom kids around with Caprice to see if she taps his arm, stands close to him, asks him some personal questions, gazes into his eyes, or seems enthusiastic (all buying signals). Compliments are the best. If this were the case, Tom would read the buying signals and continue socializing. In the next ten to fifteen minutes, Tom will ask her to dance, get her champagne, gauge her responses, and ask for her home phone number. He will not spend more time with her after he asks because he has to get some more numbers and he wants to leave Caprice (before she leaves him), as opposed to the guys who just wait until she leaves. Tom is a challenge , because he knows being a challenge increases the woman's Interest Level .

ask for her number The second reason why you should ask for her home phone number is so you can call her, ask her out, and eventually get to her front porch. Her answer will act as the indicator of her Interest Level. Tom doesn't ask Caprice to go for lunch or coffee. Tom simply asks, "Caprice, what's your home phone number?" and shuts up. Under no circumstances will he talk. He will hear a phone number with no hesitation...a sign that her Interest Level is high. Or, he will hear one of a million whoppers why she cannot (including, "give me your business card"), but never no. This is the sign that her "Interest Level" is low. From the day they are born, women know that the male ego can't take rejection. "Miss Right" doesn't want a suicide case on her hands (see, she's not all that bad!) so sometimes you will

see her wiggling or squirming, fighting off the "n" word. What a trip! If Tom gets the number, he will grade her Interest Level . It will be made up of how quickly she got the number out of her mouth. If she gives him her number on her bank deposit slip, she has 90% Interest Level . If Caprice gives Tom her home phone number and business number, she has 85% Interest Level . Women make it easy for you when they like you. (Yes, it's true! I hope this isn't too heavy for you guys.) Assuming she is not a professional dater , her Interest Level will probably be in the 65 to 70 percent range. Tom's only job now is to raise it. (Love starts at 90% Interest Level.) Tom always carries a pen and writes home phone numbers down twice on separate pieces of paper. One is for his pocket and the other for his wallet; men lose numbers easily. If there are other women around that Tom wants to meet, Tom will memorize the number and write it down ASAP, but discreetly. Once he gets the number he says, "Nice talking to you Caprice," and walks. Tom will be seen with other women, but will never be caught writing their numbers down -- he wouldn't want Caprice to get the wrong impression, right?

raise her interest level Tom won't call Caprice until after the next two days, during which Caprice will start to think about Tom, causing her "Interest Level" to rise. Caprice will wonder if Tom is going to call at all or if he is just playing games. Challenge puts the fear of rejection on the other side of the playing field, and your not being around raises the woman's Interest Level The key is, however you graded (51% to 100%) her "Interest Level" when you first met, her response must be higher when you call in order for you to ask her for your first date. Why? Because you waited 5 to 9 days before you called, thus creating a challenge . Two out of the five women who give you their numbers, will be professional daters , with low Interest Level . It might work out to your satisfaction with the remaining three -- i.e. meet your requirements in the Interest Level and attitude departments. So take a risk and remember to always ask for women's home phone number. Piece of cake guys.

Her Secret Agenda Eve learned to outmaneuver Adam because she was smaller - General Love Get the emotions first, then the body will follow - Fast Eddie Love

If the relationship fails… it was her turf, Bro - Brother Love

There is a popular myth that says that the female species is more emotional than the male. My Uncle Jethro would concur and throw in his two cents worth by saying, "The female is supposed to be more emotional because she has to protect the eggs and change the diapers. So, I don't see why the Feministas are all riled up." A casual observer would notice that the female can unleash tears faster than turning on a faucet. She also hugs and kisses everybody, while the male does not like to get that close - at least not to other men. So, from watching her body language, she appears to be more emotional than the male. But I say it is the opposite! I say that when it comes to love and its manifestations, I say the man is more emotional, especially when it comes to approaching and handling romantic relationships.

get a game plan As you read this war story, get the feel of what I am saying. As my cousin, Brother Love would say in his church on Sunday, "Feel the spirit of truth in your bones, brothers and sisters!" Dating is like two people in a fight: one has a .22 with one bullet, while the other has an Uzi with extra clips. In the Battle of the Sexes, she is packing the automatic and you have the single shooter. But guess what? There is a big C marked on your cartridge for the word Challenge . Remember that you only have one shot at Miss Right's heart, so you must have a game plan if you want to win and keep her. To you Psych majors, my studies have shown that when a woman starts a relationship, she knows exactly what she wants, what she is looking for, and how long it will last. Ninety per cent of the time, she will also control where the relationship is or isn't going. Just ask yourself: who sets the tone in the home? On the other hand, what if Tom (our imaginary example) were a Challenge and went one-step forward, and then two steps back with Caprice (our imaginary female example)? Would she like him more? In reality, and as opposed to Caprice's agenda , Tom cannot find his shoelaces with the lights on, in spite of the fact he has a Master's Degree in Family Relationships. But what if Tom were a Challenge ? What if Tom could somehow up Caprice's Interest Level , even when she isn't sitting across from him in an overly expensive restaurant? What if he could get her to burn her agenda and do what he wants - for once?

she knows what she wants When Caprice says to her best girlfriend Serrese, "I'm going on my first date tomorrow with a guy named Tom, just for fun of course," it's all smoke and mirrors - even Serrese knows that. Caprice knows what her Interest Level is and she knows her agenda and game plan as well.

Tom, on the other hand, hasn't a clue as to what is going on because he has no "System". Let's look at the all the possibilities for which Caprice is going out with "he hasn't got a chance" Tom. Why doesn't Tom have a prayer? Because Tom, like most men, believes that only the first scenario from the list of possibilities below applies to him. With his inflated Interest Level rocketing through the ozone, Tom can't see any other scenario being possible. The First Date Possibility Factor (as applied to Tom and Caprice): 1. Caprice wants to marry Tom and overpopulate the earth with his offspring 2. Caprice wants Tom to fill in for her boyfriend who is in Hawaii for six weeks 3. Tom's brother is a carpenter and Caprice needs a new roof 4. Caprice cannot stand to be alone 5. Caprice wants to go to a 'Stones concert with Tom - Tom's first and last date 6. Everybody who is anybody will be at the party Tom is taking Caprice 7. Caprice loves trendy restaurants 8. Caprice loves Porsches 9. Tom has the best dope in town 10. Tom's brother is the busiest casting director in Hollywood 11. While she is out with Tom, she might meet someone else she likes with a newer Porsche 12. Caprice can only have one date with Tom because she just received her Ph.D. in Loving Relationships and she is moving to New York in three days to start a new career as a radio talk show host. She will tell him all this after her belly is full of lobster and Dom Perignon. By the way, the name of her radio show is "Why Do Men Play Games and Use Women?" - this title sounds fair and objective to a man-hater. Now we know why Caprice is going out with Tom. But why is Tom going out with Caprice? Because either he thinks he's in love or it's just his hormones. Aren't men complex creatures? Here are good topics for Caprice's radio show, (use your imagination; assume hypothetically that she had one) that would get great ratings. You would never hear them on the airwaves because the vast majority of radio program directors hate money and cater to women: "Should the World Court declare that nagging be a crime against humanity?" "Can a Feminist be sweet and supportive in a relationship with a real man?" "Do women change the rules once they get married?" "Why do gigolos go to jail, but never mercenaries?" "Should we recall judges who always give the kids to the mother after the breakup?" "Do some women go out when they are not interested in the man?"

"If single women nagged, would it lower the marriage rate in America?" "What would happen if men asked for the first date, but women had to drive and pay for everything? (I tell you what, half the restaurants in town would go belly-up)."

"Who is more honest: a user, a Professional Dater, a Feminist, a gold digger - or a hooker?"

why he fails? Because Tom's Interest Level for Caprice is up in the clouds and he has no "System" guiding him, Tom's chances of getting a second date are about as good as him making it across the Autobahn on crutches. When Tom picks up Caprice for their first date, she reads his posture as: "Thank you for allowing me the honor of being in your presence, your Highness." He doubles as her chauffeur, pays for everything, puts on a whole show , tries to make her laugh, does everything she wants, and then, Tom begs Caprice to give him a second chance to perform for her: "Please, see me again." Why does he do this? Tom goes all out for her because he is a member of the species, Wimpus Americanis . Since wimps are scared to death of females analyzing and evaluating them as dates, they have no game plan - but Princess Caprice does. Instead of waiting five days to call Caprice after he got her home phone number, as the "System" says he should have done, Tom called her the next day. Even if Tom knew the Five to Nine Day Telephone Rule , he couldn't have waited longer if his life depended on it. Why? Tom was born without a backbone and is controlled by his emotions, unlike Caprice, and is therefore unfixable ; a lost cause. Tom is analytical when he fixes relationships at his counseling practice. He does extensive background checks into companies before he invests for his financial portfolio. He even teaches a night class at UCLA entitled, Being Rational in an Irrational World . But when it comes to dating Caprice, Tom has no road map - as if he could follow it! Tom only thinks short-term and hopes Caprice will fall for him. Successful men know you cannot wing it in business, so why does Tom wing it when it comes to his love life? be a challenge to women If Tom were a Challenge , instead of being like most other guys that have crossed Caprice's path, Caprice would be going crazy over him. But poor Tommy! His emotions say to him I got to have her now or I'll go crazy. Tom's ego, (love's enemy ) needs immediate gratification; a kid at Toys-R-Us has more self-control! The saddest part is that he doesn't see Challenge as being even a possibility in romantic relationships. His motto is: If it is meant to be, it will be. My motto is: it doesn't last! The key is the "System". It is the only vehicle that cares about you, and that can drive her emotions (and raising her Interest Level ) off the chart! Realize that there is a price to pay for

getting and keeping her, and that no one cares about you unless they love you - except a Good Samaritan, who loves everybody. You are looking for her high Interest Level , and for to have a good attitude. You have to learn to out-wait women, and to not allow your emotions to control you like they have in the past. Most men have been brainwashed into treating women with undue reverence. Respect is proper, but not necessarily submissiveness. Remember guys, the reason a woman is going out with you, is not always the same reason you are going out with her. Piece of cake guys.

The Mind Games Women Play "Being submissive and serene in a playful manner once in a while is super female power, because the good man cannot help but love her " - Doctor Love "We are all actors with strangers " - The Reality Factor Continuing with the previous theme in my articles where Caprice represents women and Tom represents men , the following is an example of a situation that illustrates my point about the games women play. Caprice is mad at Tom because he plays too many games in their relationship. If you asked a hundred women what Caprice means by playing games , you would hear a million different things. They would say; Tom is not open, he never tells her how he feels, he won't commit, he is disrespectful, he takes her for granted, he takes advantage of her, he is dishonest, he is using her, he is cheating on her, and so on. These are the female definitions of playing games . In reality, Caprice only says that Tom is playing games because she is frustrated. Why is she frustrated? Because Tom does not do what she wants. For the first time in her life, she's in love with a man who is running the show in the relationship. Her Interest Level is over 90% ( Interest Level refers to how much a person is interested in pursuing a relationship with another person) and that's why she puts up with "him" and stays. Tom is not playing games; he just knows he has her heart, therefore he's allowed to get away with murder!

defining playing games Now let's look at the male definitions of playing games . In war story number one, Tom goes out on a first date with Caprice, who seems strangely reserved. Six days before, Caprice was lit up like a Christmas tree as she handed Tom her bank deposit slip with her home phone

number circled. Now in the passenger seat of Tom's VW Jetta, her body is rigid, her hands are folded, and her jaw is clenched. You might think that Caprice has less than 50% Interest Level and is therefore a Professional Dater - in reality though, she has 80% Interest Level and is covering up her feelings. Caprice is playing the Reserved Game , or the "I like him so much that I'm afraid I'll expose my high Interest Level too soon in the love campaign and appear too easy" game. This exemplifies the first definition of playing games - hiding her true feelings to protect her heart. Let's fast forward to the next day at work. Caprice says to her girlfriend, Shalondra, "I really liked Tom before, but during the date, I had to fight to keep my hands to myself and not say something stupid. He is so easy to be with and we had such a good time. I'm dying for him to call me again." So can you see what happens when Tom uses The "System"? At the end of her date with Tom, Caprice's Interest Level went up four points to 84%. Because Caprice's Interest Level will continue to increase, in less than 60 days she will say to Tom, "I feel like I have known you all my life," which is woman talk for "Bingo!". If Miss Right thinks that her Interest Level is too high too soon, her body language will reflect her feelings of reservation. Tom saw her tenseness and kept his mouth shut about it. Eight dates later, Caprice is cooking Tom his favorite meal; pork chops, corn on the cob and homemade blueberry muffins. She laughs at his corniest jokes, seems to stand too close to him and finds any excuse to touch or brush up against him. This female Homo Sapien went from being unattached and tired of dating, to hearing wedding bells in her dreams in sixty days flat! Why? Because Tom used Doctor Love's "System".

As time passes, she opens up The phenomenon of the female's walls coming down and all her games coming to an end, happens as her Interest Level goes up. She begins to reveal more of her innermost thoughts and feelings about her life, both good and bad. She even talks about her exes and the other things that she only puts in her diary. To you Psych majors, the higher the woman's Interest Level , the more intimate she is in the relationship, and the less games she plays. Why? Because she feels safe and trusts you - until you lie or yap to your backstabbing bird-dogging buddies. In a long-term romantic relationship, the man and woman are each other's protectors, but if the man is undependable, takes his partner's love for granted, or exaggerates with his rude behavior, this won't last. Trust in a woman's man is paramount if the woman is to stay with him over the long haul; even if she happens to be a biker babe who only rides Hogs and watches Roller Derby. The man's second definition of playing games is a woman dating a man she could not care

less about - the Method of Operation (MO) of the professional dater. The one who plays this game always keeps a wall up to prevent the man from getting close. Why does she do this? Because she only has 40% to 49% Interest Level and it won't - and can't - get any higher. So why does she bother dating? Because she can't stand to face her dismal life by staying home alone. To you Psych majors, all that a Professional Dater will do for a man is give him false hopes and run up his Visa bills. She will even give him a token kiss on the forehead once in while just to keep him in line. Wow, what a giver! This girl's game will always hurt you. The third, and saddest definition of playing games is a woman marrying a man she could not care less about (her Interest level is less than 50%). Why would she suffer the indignity of going through the motions of loving him for the rest of his life when she has no love for him? For many reasons: his money, his power, her need to escape boredom or loneliness, her desire to get out of the house, to help her career, her desire for fame, a green card, a baby, to find a father for her existing kid(s), her need to have a family, and the worst: her extreme insecurity . Her motto is: "I will fall in love eventually." The poor sap that married her only thought of his feelings while dating her, while she faked her high Interest Level . Once the kids are born, she will not fake it anymore. Can you imagine living with someone who is not deeply in love with you? Add to that the fact she loves Ricki Lake. This girl's game is a living hell.

she has to fake it Since she has to live with someone that she doesn't care for, this conniving woman has to play a hefty game of manipulation to survive. Lovemaking is never on her menu. Married women who were once in love with their husbands also play this game. To you Psych majors, her favorite line is: "Is that ALL you think about?". If your wife, Mrs. Truelove , has high Interest Level in you like she is supposed to, she would wish that sex was all you had on your mind. The Reality Factor says that the husbands of happily married women who are flexible givers, with high Interest Levels , never seem to get headaches or feel tired. How astonishing! In fact, these women chase their husbands around the coffee table after the kids go to sleep. She doesn't need any aphrodisiacs because he is respectful, affectionate and romantic. Of course he is, I coached him. At the end of all daytime talk shows, the couples always hear the same pitch: "You have to go to counseling." All the love doctors cannot be on the take, can they? You would think so once you ask yourself the following questions: 1. "Can counselors raise a woman's Interest Level in her husband when she is loaded with

resentment and is repulsed by him?" To you Psych majors, "Do they guarantee that they can turn hate and disgust back into sweet romantic love?" 2. "When your wife is on The Jerry Springer Show with you, will the counselors teach you how to beg her to take back her wedding ring, after she moves into your brother's onebedroom trailer park flat?" Under their watch, the experts have a track record that looks great, with only a 50% divorce rate in the last thirty years! Even the post office does better than this.

never lose her trust The key is that Miss Right has to trust you in order to reveal herself and not play any more self-protection games. Never make fun of what she says or betray her trust, so burn those photos ASAP! If she loses trust in you, she will never love you as much (unless she is the President's wife!) because she will never trust you the way she once did. She can never love you more that she trusts you. To you Psych majors, if the woman trusts you 4/5 of the time, she can only have 80% Interest Level - and that is only when you are doing everything right. You guys have to always listen to your gut (your Guardian Angel) and watch for inconsistencies in her actions versus her words. In other words, watch out for red flags. Remember, if there are no flags, she is game-less, and therefore trusts you one hundred percent.

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen Part I Are you dating someone special that you don't want to lose, like all the others you've lost? Are you getting bad vibes because your girlfriend of six months only gets migraines when you try to kiss her goodnight at her doorstep? Does it bother you that your wife is meeting too many perverts in chat rooms on the Internet? Do you know what men do that women don't? They fight reality in two areas of their lives. One, they don't ask for directions when lost and more importantly, two, they think that all women are illogical and inconsistent. But these men never ask themselves why it is that certain men never seem to get rejected by women or face Divorce Court. Is it possible that some men might make the same mistake from one woman to another? Is it possible that women's choices in men are consistent?

game plan

Successful men know that happiness in romantic relationships is not due to luck - it's due to using reliable principles and having a plan. Bill Gates didn't "wing it" when deciding which software market to enter - he had a business plan. If you want to be successful in your longterm romantic relationship, you can't leave things to chance; you need a plan to help you keep Miss Right mesmerized. The principles that you will get from my column will guide you the way a Thomas Bros. map guides a U.P.S. driver to his destination. If the things you've tried with women are only driving your emotions in circles and bringing you pain instead of ecstasy, allow my principles to be your roadmap to happiness. The first concept that I will define is what I call The Reality Factor . It states: "Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain." For example, let's say that one day you decided that there is no such thing as gravity, so you jump off the Empire State Building. While in the air, you can believe what you want, but when you hit the pavement, you will realize that you went against reality, which ultimately resulted in extreme bodily pain. Another example: You speed down the 5 Freeway at 120 mph at 2 a.m. with the lights off. The Reality Factor says you will experience the pain of having to defend yourself in court. A third example: your female dates ask you to call them back before the date to confirm and for some strange reason, these call back to confirm dates only end with the dual pains of frustration and disappointment. Rejection, man's most despised emotion, is the woman's way of telling a man that he turns her off. Read this column every week and you will never go through this painful experience again because from now on, the Reality Factor will be your friend, not your nemesis. The Reality Factor's cousin is the Bottom Line Factor , which states that "only a woman's actions truly reflect her feelings for you." Men who are ignorant when it comes to this powerful concept rationalize a woman's slights and put-downs. For example, let's say Caprice breaks a date with Tom. That week, Tom thinks up 144 possible rosy scenarios of why she broke her word. He didn't think of Reason 145, the only one that counts, which states that Caprice has zero interest in him. Dating Rule No. 1: Women with High Interest always keep dates. The Bottom Line Factor also states that if Tom were reflective and had thought about it, he would have asked himself how many dates he has broken in his life. Answer? (Hint: less than one.) If, after some psychological detective work, Tom had discovered that Caprice broke the date because her father did not give her a bicycle on her tenth birthday like he had promised; it still wouldn't have made a difference. The Bottom Line Factor says that if Caprice breaks a date with Tom, she is not interested in him. Sadly, most men call back, asking for another beating, rather than utilizing the Bottom Line Factor . If you never want to be a guest on the Jerry Springer show, then allow me to protect your

heart. If you are a guy who wants to keep Miss Right forever and not share her with her goodlooking boss or lose her in divorce court, then please allow me to be your relationship coach. In two weeks from now, I will answer all of your romantic love questions from a man's perspective. So set your ego aside, learn to laugh at yourself and I will give you snappy answers to your silly love questions; answers loaded with truth. Do what I say and Miss Right will be robbing banks for you. When I am done with you, you will need more security than Julio Iglesias. To protect the anonymity of the guilty, however, I promise to never use your real name or reveal it. All questions will be answered, but only the best ones will be printed. Please be specific and don't ramble. In this article, we covered my definitions of the Reality Factor and the Bottom Line Factor, which belie my approach to successful relationships. In next week's article, I will cover the three factors that make or break a successful long-term romantic relationship.

Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen Part II Has a woman ever bewildered you with any of these lines? - Can't we just be friends? - I don't kiss on the first date. - I need someone who is more exciting. - Did I tell you about my present lover? - I think you're a nice person, but... If you've heard any of these lines, you're in luck because I have just the right prescription to cure your case of confusion. You are privileged to be reading one of the few romantic love columns in America that comes from a male perspective. In last week's article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor ("Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, it will work against you, resulting in pain.") and The Bottom Line Factor ("Only a woman's actions truly reflect her feelings toward you."). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The "System". This week, I will give you the framework of The "System", by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude.

is she interested in you? Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women refer to their Interest Level as "romantic feelings," or "love". Interest Level is a degree of love.

What is a "degree" of love? Let me give you an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, "I'll give you my work number instead - I just don't know you very well." Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number and hands it to Tom with a smile saying "Now you'd better call me!" Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In the preceding example, I would place Jill's Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprice's at 80%. Now think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on? Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the woman's Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you and the more fun you will have - whether it's on the first date or your 20th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further away her Interest Level is from 100%, the less she likes you and the more she will eat, nag, and watch Ricki Lake. To you Psychology majors: a man should only love a woman who loves him first. Of the three factors that make or break romantic relationships, the woman's Interest Level is the single most important factor, not the man's Interest level.

it's all about attitude In addition to overlooking the woman's Interest Level , men typically overlook the importance of the female attitude - a woman's morals and temperament. Even though your Miss Right is beautiful, both inside and out, shouldn't you still ask yourself whether she is going to be part of the crew or part of the cargo? To you Psych majors, this means, "Is she high maintenance or low maintenance?" If you are going to serve time with Miss Right , isn't it best for your comfort level and sanity to find a wife who rubs your back and compliments you once in a while just for taking out the trash? Of course it is. So what comprises a good female attitude? Integrity, a giving nature and flexibility. A woman's integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty and trust, in other words you should ask yourself, "Would I go into business with this person?" before you give up your freedom. To find out whether Miss Right is a giver or a taker, ask yourself, "Is she on my side? Is she sweet, serene and supportive at least some of the time?" One sign of a giving wife is one who says, "I like to do things to make my husband happy", when she talks with her girlfriends. As for the definition of flexibility - let me tell you what it isn't: hardheaded, structured, stubborn, intransigent, nor is it personified by nagging - the most cruel and common punishment known to man today. Flexibility is when she's willing to try something new - even if it means going fishing with you once and baiting the hook with a creepy crawler.

If a woman is normal, you make her like you more or less by the way you treat her, although you cannot affect her attitude. That's how she comes wired. So it is your job to do the things that could raise her Interest Level toward 100%. How? By exhibiting the proper male attitude, made up of confidence, control and Challenge .

the male attitude Most men know what confidence is and they even know that women love confident men. The other relationship experts, who are from a female perspective, don't tell men specifically what to do to achieve this confidence. If you read my column every week, you will learn how to naturally appear confident, even when you're a nervous wreck inside! Control in my "System" stands for self-control, not controlling the woman. It means controlling your choices and actions in spite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, if you're at a dance club and a gentleman hustles your girlfriend, you would know to take this as a compliment to your taste, instead of wanting to throw a chair at his head. By practicing self-control and not making a fool of yourself, you raise her Interest Level to even loftier heights. Challenge is nothing more than playing hard to get. You do this because the woman is happiest when she does the chasing and when she thinks it is her idea to pursue a romantic relationship, rather than yours. If you do what I say, you'll have to beat 'em off with a stick!

Did Jerry Seinfeld Ignore The Red Flags? Hi Doc Could you comment on Jerry Seinfeld's recent marriage? I understand he met his new love in a gym shortly before her marriage to another man. After she returned from her honeymoon (after only two weeks of marriage), she dropped her husband for Jerry. A few months later, Jerry and she are married. Does this sound fishy to you, Doc? What kind of woman is this? Do you think Jerry is headed for disaster? How come no one seems to be talking about it? Dave the Detective

doc love's answer

Hi Dave, Great observation, Dave! Jerry Seinfeld, a 45-year-old bachelor with $250 mil, 26 Porsches, and enough TV residual money to pay off the US National Debt, meets a girl and they instantly have Interest Levels in the 90s (out of a possible 100%). The good part is that Jerry is in love. The bad part is that his Interest Level is so high, he doesn't care if he's marrying a woman who is capable of leaving a husband after only two weeks of marriage. We all love Jerry, but what was he thinking? Was he under a spell? One of Jerry's best friends or managers should have pulled him aside and told him; "Jerry, you've got to control yourself - we know you love her, but she is a married woman," but apparently, no one did. That's okay - I'll be the one to do it now. If this woman had been with her husband for seven years (and bored, just like many married women), I would understand her change of heart, though it still wouldn't be right. But this woman just got back from her honeymoon, so her Interest Level should have been at the highest point it could ever be! This is that rare moment in time when the husband can do no wrong - the moment before the wife's Interest Level takes the big slide downward: resulting in nagging, resentment and eating too many carbs. So what was going on with her?

falling in love too quickly Why has no one in the media asked how this woman could possibly fall out of love so quickly? Is it possible that she married her present ex-husband until someone better came along? Could she have misled him? Where were the love doctors, the ones who are always telling men that honoring contracts in long-term romantic relationships is important? Not a peep. Geraldo and the National Enquirer should have interviewed the ex-husband and asked, "Did your wife tell you that you would be together forever - or only for two weeks?" or "Did you have separate beds on your Honeymoon?" or "Have you called Dr. Kevorkian yet?" Why hasn't the media asked these questions? The answer is, when it comes to their heroes , the media censors itself. In our culture, adultery is a bad word, so the media will not apply it to one of their idols. Idols don't make mistakes. Don't believe my explanation? Well, have you noticed that the word adultery is never used when Jerry's relationship is being discussed on TV? This is not because of the Feministas this time. The real culprit is the media's desire to keep their idols untouchable. Hero-worship is a positive thing, but when the media is silent about Jerry's poor choice in marriage partners, I know some kid out there will think that it's okay to copy him. That's why

I will raise my voice on this subject, even if it is a lone voice. But am I not less of an American if I sanction Jerry's bad choices with my silence? Keeping quiet is un-American!

qualities we desire In a long-term relationship, there are two qualities to look for in a woman: her Interest Level and her attitude. You can change the first one, but not the second. If you are aware of how these two qualities co-mingle with each other, then all of your confusion about love will disappear. When two people decide to marry and stay together forever, it is best if the woman has high Interest Level in the man, as well as a good attitude, made up of integrity, flexibility, and a giving nature. The subject of integrity is particularly relevant in the case of Jerry's new wife. Integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty and trust. When evaluating Miss Right's integrity, always ask yourself the following question and answer it truthfully: "Would I give her the combination to my safe?" How do you think Jerry's new wife would have done on this integrity test? Hint: what was her integrity with her prior husband? Was she honest, loyal and trustworthy? And what is her track record for keeping commitments? Even a dummy could get the right answers to these questions. Yes, I think there is trouble for sweet Jerry down the road. Alas, the poor guy's Interest Level is so high that his reasoning powers, common sense and business acumen have gone out the window. He doesn't consider that what a woman does to one man, she can do to another. At this moment, Jerry has no thoughts about Divorce Court and bankruptcy, but with his new wife's track record, he should consider them to be real possibilities.

what can we learn? Marriage, even under the best conditions, can be tough at times. So guys, isn't it better to be with a woman with integrity during those rough days, so you can count on her to follow through with her commitments and keep her word? When you have "System" coaching you, this question will come to you naturally. I wish the best for Jerry and his new wife. But if Jerry takes a fall, I'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Will Jennifer Lopez Get Fitted for a Bulletproof Vest?

Hi Doc I always hear women say that they want sensitive guys who listen, but I think this is bull. I feel like I'm wasting my time minding my manners and bending over backwards to show some respect to the women I go out with because they always seem to end up with jerks. I think women today are more interested in bad boys , rather than men with character and class. Just look how Jennifer Lopez fell for Puffy Combs - isn't that proof? Should I give up on being a gentleman and start being a bad boy instead? After all, it seems to have worked for Puffy! Dominic, who has manners and class

doc love's answer Hi Dominic, Don't give up on class yet, Dom. You're only half-right in your analysis of female Interest Level and what makes her stick to her man like cheese on pizza. Let's take your Jennifer Lopez example and play love cop for a moment - and you will see what I mean. Here is Jennifer "Selena" Lopez, a good singer and a great actress, selling tons of CDs and making $8 mil on her latest movie. She could have most of the three billion men in the world if she wanted, but her love interest is Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs, a rapper and record producer who, in addition to grossing over $57 mil last year in his company, has had numerous brushes with the law. In a recent story, Puff and Jennifer were at a party, when someone shot up the place. The two gunmen jumped into their Lincoln Navigator and ran eleven red lights, trying to evade the cops. When the police finally caught up with the pair, they found a stolen gun in Puff's car. His statement to the press was: "Under no circumstances whatsoever have I anything to do with a shooting. I do not own a gun, nor did I have possession of a gun that night." Doesn't this bring back fond memories of the Prez describing his business relationship with Monica or the meanings of the words is and isn't ? Common sense would tell you that an actress having such star power would leave a guy like this because if she ever got shot, that would mean no longer being in front of the camera - the real love of her life. Not for Jennifer. Why? Because her Interest Level in Puff is 100% higher than her interest in staying alive. My cousin Fast Eddie Love would have said, "Puffy owns Jennifer and she knows it." How many of you guys out there have a relationship like this with your woman?

the bad boy So why is she crazy for this guy - is it his bad boy image? Partially. It does make him appear super-confident and cool - which in fact, he is - but I think there's a more crucial factor that had to take place first: Puff passed the Physical Attraction Test. Why is this such an important consideration? Because The Reality Factor says that you can only make a woman like you more if she likes you to begin with. Therefore, if a man does not pass the Physical Attraction Test, his confidence - as well as Challenge and Self-control - cannot work their magic. The most dangerous half-truth sold to the American male today is: "It's what's on the inside that counts." This notion is dangerous because it causes the average guy to think it's the only factor that fuels a love relationship. It's not. You can have the heart of Mother Theresa and the honesty of a Captain in the Salvation Army, but if she does not like the way you look from the start, you will be a very sorry man if you get involved with her. Ever kissed a woman you didn't like? How long did the fun last for you? Women feel the same with men they don't idolize.

inner beauty isn't enough When an available woman meets an attractive man for the first time, she gets butterflies in her stomach. This man makes her feel uneasy, vulnerable and partially out of control. A guy who looks like Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, or Pierce Brosnan and knows about confidence, self-control and Challenge can have a woman eating out of his hand! But like most men, they spill their guts out to the woman too often and end up dragging down her Interest Level - granted, this descent happens at a much slower rate than for you and me, but it does happen. Now, it is true that two of the ugliest people on earth can fall in love with each other and appear together on The Ricki Lake Show , but this doesn't refute my claim. These two simply have different criteria for what's attractive. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder in this case! I suspect Jennifer gave Puff an A+ on the Physical Attraction Test. To make my point, indulge me for a moment and let's fantasize about their first meeting. We are at Hef's Mansion for the annual New Year's party. As we enter Heaven , all we see are supermodels, aspiring actresses and real actresses (in this fantasy, if any women ask what you do, my advice is to say that you produce movies). I'm not even looking at the guys at this party, but I cannot help but see Puff Daddy in a threegrand white linen suit, with four angels sitting around his feet, vying for his attention. Now in walks Selena with some stooge she couldn't care less about. She sees Puff across the room and her knees get weak. As she floats through the party, she meets Jamie Foxx and then Denzel Washington - who are single only for this scenario. Both ask her for her home phone number and in response, she reluctantly gives each her agent's number instead. Throughout

the evening, she keeps asking herself, "Why do I keep thinking of Puff?" They later meet and the rest is history. Let's say every other woman at Hef's party thought that Denzel was the best-looking man there out of five hundred men. Guess what boys and girls? Though Selena thought Denzel was very handsome and charming, he didn't make her quiver. Once she laid her eyes on Puff, she was a goner .

what can we learn? It may be true that Puff and trouble go together as often as certain lawyers play the ace card, but The Bottom Line Factor says that Jennifer is so much in love that she cannot be rational nor could she care less. How do I know this about her? Because she's staying with the man. The "System" says: Interest Level cuts through everything . The odds that Jennifer will brave gunfire, and stay with Puff are four out of five. I say this is 80% certain because, as of the time this article was written, Jennifer has reportedly opted out of using Puff's lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, for her legal defense. This could be a sign that the big boys in Hollywood had a talk with her to prevent their golden goose from self-destructing. With different lawyers involved, there is a great possibility that her story won't match with Puff's, so it's one in five that she splits. It is also possible that she will leave Puff publicly, but see him privately until the dust settles. So Dominic, don't give up on being a gentlemen. It is your asset because most women love class and manners. What I want to get across is this: don't think you can disregard a woman's feelings of attraction and gradually sell her with your inner beauty . When you meet a woman who is not immediately amiable to your charms, it means she is not attracted to you physically, so move on to a new adventure. Remember, you cannot beat Mother Nature, City Hall - nor avoid taking the Physical Attraction Test.

Does Jane Fonda Speak A Secret Language? Hi Doc My fiance and I have been together for sixteen months. We recently had our biggest fight last Friday over nothing. I was sitting on the couch watching TV when one of the news

programs reported that Ted Turner and his devoted left-wing extremist wife, Jane Fonda, were getting separated. A statement, supposedly from both, said: "While we continue to be committed to the long-term success of our marriage, we find ourselves at a juncture where we must have some personal time for ourselves. Therefore, we have mutually decided to spend some time apart. We ask that you respect this decision." As I tried to keep my laughter about the statement down to a small roar, my girlfriend exclaimed, "Isn't it beautiful that two people can be so much in love that they try to work things out?" After she said that, I went crazy. I told her that the separation was a sham - and that when one person moves out, it's equivalent to divorce. My girlfriend responded that they just needed "space" to work things out and then questioned how committed I would be to our marriage if we should ever have similar problems. I said that if things ever got that bad, we would probably split up. She got upset and started to cry. Needless to say, dinner was not fun that night because my stomach was in knots. Tell me Doc, who is right in this debate? And how could two normal people see the same situation so differently? Could it be that my girlfriend and I don't have what it takes to have a successful marriage? Help me out. Jamie, who calls 'em as he sees 'em

doc love's answer Hi Jamie, First of all, in situations like the one you described, it is best to just keep your mouth shut. Your goal is keep her happy - not to burst her romantic bubble in order to prove what a great debater you are. You won the argument, but lost the war because now she wonders if you have - as the men-bashers would say - commitment issues . When your fiancée made the comment about Turner and Fonda's marriage, she was in fact using Womanese , the woman's secret vernacular, to express her own view on love and relationships. In effect, she was saying: If two people are committed to each other, they can make it in spite of the lousy odds. That's not such a bad belief for her to have, is it Jamie? If your fiancée has a positive outlook on your relationship, why ruin a good thing by picking a fight? From the time you asked for her home phone number, to the first phone call to get your first date, to the 44 years of married bliss you have with her, you will hear statements that just do not make any sense to men. Do not be alarmed about this - she is just speaking Womanese : the special code women use when talking about men-women relationships.

the case study Let's take Jane and Ted's statement as a case study. You were correct, Jamie, in suspecting that you had smelled a rat when you first heard it. You were also correct in saying that separation amounts to divorce. Let me show you why. My thirty-year research shows that in 90% of breakups, it is the woman who leaves first. According to our Federales : in 66% of the divorces, the woman files first. The "System" backs up these figures, but adds one other statistic: in 24% of failed relationships, the woman makes the man so miserable that he leaves first (or files for divorce first under mental duress). With this background, let's you and I play love cops and apply what we've learned to Jane and Ted's statement. First, look at part one: "We are committed to the long-term success of the marriage..." How are they showing commitment? - By getting therapy? Do they plan to see Jesse Jackson every week for marriage counseling? They could have just said, "We loved each other but we lost it," because that is what their actions reflect. Part two of the statement - "We have mutually decided to spend some time apart" - is cute, too. The key words in this snippet are "mutually" and "some." "Mutually" - because in 98% of all breakups, one of the two people is getting dumped, so "mutually" never enters into the equation; and "some," as in: "some time apart" - which is Womanese for "I ain't never comin' back." Don't get me wrong, I understand why the duo would issue a non-statement like the one just mentioned - they are trying to save face. They knew that everyone in the celebrity press would be playing love doctor and giving their opinions, so they stuck with something they considered unassailable. Unfortunately, they added a line that troubles me: "We ask that you respect this decision." By respect , do they mean "Do not dispute the logic of our statement just buy into our explanation without thinking about it rationally or logically"? What are we, stupid? One thing about the press release that leads me to believe that the separation was Jane's idea is that it screams of Womanese . I would bet my life's savings that Jane's lawyer wrote it. Assuming she loved him on the wedding day, I would guess that Ted's behavior lowered Jane's Interest Level gradually. When a woman's Interest Level goes from 51% to 49%, she begins to say the worst phrase in the whole world: "I need my space." (Sounds a lot like needing "some personal time for our selves," doesn't it?) Do guys talk like that? Does a guy who is worth 9 billion talk like that? No, but Jane's lawyer does. Jane and Ted can say what they want about their intentions, but the fact remains: women in love do not move out to solve their marriage problems. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would have put it: "So much for your commitment, Jane."

the secret language Let me give you a few more examples of Womanese : What women say, and what they really mean: - "We had an amicable divorce". Womanese for, "I took him to the cleaners and made him homeless." - "We had an on-and-off again relationship", Womanese for, "I only kept him around until the next turkey showed up." - "We had a bumpy marriage". Womanese for, "I nagged him to death." - "Our values changed". Womanese for, "I dumped him because I couldn't change him." - "We are in a transitional stage." Womanese for, "He will be history next month." - "Where is this going?" Womanese for, "Are we going to get married?" - And (of particular interest to you, Jamie): "I love you". Womanese for, "Now you say, 'I love you'." From now on, Jamie, as long as your fiancée has integrity, is a giver and is flexible, just forget her occasional silly comments about relationships expressed in Womanese . It is pointless to get frustrated at women just because they do not speak English when talking about relationships. Instead of accusing them of ignorance, insanity or dishonesty (like you might be tempted to do), simply start judging their intent by looking at their actions. To cut through the confusion of Womanese statements, whether issued by movie stars or by your girlfriend, remember the motto of the sovereign state of Missouri: "Show me."

Can A Woman With High Interest Level Break A Date? Hi Doc I'm having a problem with a girl I met through an Internet dating service. On our first date (Friday), I went to her house with flowers and took her to a nice restaurant. I thought it went pretty well; we had a nice dinner, went for a walk and visited the

Jefferson memorial. During the date we held hands, cuddled and talked about getting together again on Sunday. I took her home, got a goodnight kiss and a big hug. I called her the next day, but she wasn't home - so I left a message with her little brother. We didn't go out on Saturday because I had to go to a wedding, plus it wouldn't have been right to go out anyway. I called her again on Sunday and left a message; her mother told me that she wasn't home. Hmmm. That Sunday afternoon, around 3:00 PM, I sent her an e-mail. She responded fairly quickly, saying she just woke up and was sick. She said she was sorry, but she had to break our date. My question is, do you think she likes me? It seemed like she did on our date. I know I like her a lot - I was planning to send flowers to her work this week. She gave me all the signs that she liked me when we went out and vice versa. What should I do now? Help!!! Larry the Lost from D.C.

doc love's answer Hi Larry, I wish your girl liked you as much as you like telephones! The good part is, you didn't make a date for Saturday. The bad part is your Interest Level is sooo high that you cannot see the forest for the trees; particularly not that this girl is giving you the runaround! But have no fear, Larry. When I'm done with you, you will see the forest, the trees and the leaves when it comes to romantic love! Pretend for a minute that you are in Angola, driving your Range Rover at full speed trying to get out of town because the rebels are shooting at you. Bullets are flying everywhere, but luckily you make it to the outskirts of town. Now all you have to do is make it through miles and miles of craters and land mines to get home to Johannesburg. Scary scenario, huh? Dating should be so civil! What you need is a navigation tool that will allow you to maneuver the treacherous roads of dating. The "System" is just that tool - it is the only reliable guide for your love choices. So buckle up, Larry, and let's see what The System reveals.

where's the interest level? When your girl said she was too sick to go out while her mom said she wasn't home, alarms should have gone off in your head. These contradicting stories indicate that your girl is concocting alibis in order to avoid you. But even more important than these discrepancies is

this question: does a sick woman with high Interest Level ever break a date? Answer: if she has high Interest Level , she will show up at your house in an ambulance if necessary - with an IV sticking out of her arm! At the very least, she would have suggested another day to go out - not just an overused excuse. To answer your question straight up; your girl isn't acting like someone with high Interest Level . She may have been interested before, but she isn't now. Whether her change of heart was due to your actions or to her true Interest Level finally surfacing isn't your concern - your objective is to correct your mistakes for the next girl. So, forget sending her flowers, calling her, or even e-mailing her - you've done enough. Instead, let's focus on improving your dating performance for future dates. Your first mistake was making a date on a date. If you had waited until the following week to ask her out, she would have been wondering if it was you every time the phone rang. This would intrigue her and thus, raise her Interest Level . By asking her out so soon, you never gave her a chance to think about you while you were gone.

where's the challenge? Also, while you were at the florist's buying roses for the first date, did you ask yourself Am I being a Challenge by doing this? or Can buying her a dozen roses this soon possibly make her think - rightly or wrongly - that I'm a lonely boy? Of course you didn't. If you had followed the "System", you would have asked yourself those questions - and walked out of there with your wallet intact. After all, if it is right to give her flowers on the first date, then why stop there? Why not just give her an engagement ring and set the date for the wedding? My point is, by making a date on a date and buying flowers too soon, you telegraphed your intentions and removed all of the challenge from the situation. Larry, you've got to learn to back off. You cannot act like you just got out of Leavenworth when you are with a woman because - believe it or not - she won't find it appealing! Like most men, you have been brainwashed into believing that showing your high Interest in a woman will help your cause. But from the woman's point of view, this notion is laughable. The only thing that counts to Miss Right is that you pass the Physical Attraction Test and raise her Interest Level through confidence, control, and especially - by being a Challenge . Most men don't have the patience or the self-control to wait for the woman to come to them. They would rather rush into rejection and save everybody time. I do not want you to think I am negative, Larry. I think being in love is the greatest feeling in the whole world - but it doesn't last for most. I want to reverse this phenomenon by coaching guys like you to be a little cooler . Does this make sense? If a woman likes you and you practice Challenge , I promise you, Larry, she will begin to chase you - and if she is chasing you, she won't be leaving you.

Cheer up, Larry. Believe it or not, there is hope for you. I am pleased to say you did two things right and only seven things wrong. The first glimmer of hope was when you said "Hmmm" after calling Miss Right's house on Sunday. Your stomach was telling you that her mom, who you thought was helping you - was really helping Miss Right avoid you. Pretty good, Larry - most guys would have talked to her mom and brother for six weeks, before they finally got the drift! The other glimmer of hope came when you chose not to go out Saturday because of your date on Sunday. You knew instinctively that you would have been doing too much, too soon, which would have been anti-challenge . Carry that feeling with you when you are with the next Miss Right - it will serve you well. Remember that Challenge is the key to inspiring women to want to keep you.

Does Begging Raise Her Interest Level? Hi Doc I am a 23 year-old male with good looks, substantial finances and have dated many women. I have finally met a woman who has totally knocked me off my feet. She is my brother's wife's little sister and she lives eight hours away. We have been seeing each other for a year and a half, every few months or so, and I have fallen hard. I am a very caring guy who has totally spoiled her, yet she is unwilling to commit. She says she loves me and that she isn't looking for someone else, yet she refuses to settle down. I told her that the only difference in our relationship would be that she would not be able to casually date. She said she couldn't handle this, even though she dated a complete loser that abused her verbally (and I think, physically) for two years. We do not speak about it any more because it's a very unpleasant subject and because we cannot agree on anything close to a solution. Is this a case of "nice guy finishing last" or as my friends and I say, "Pretty girl loves a thug"? How can your "System" help me? Sincerely, Jilted John

doc love's answer

Dear Johnny, How can someone so rich, good-looking, and with so much experience with women be so off base? I can see you really do need my help. You say she lives eight hours away? How do you hope to monitor her Interest Level and attitude this way? You can't possibly observe her body language and mannerisms over a long period of time. Plus, over the phone and during the occasional visit, she can always be putting on her best act. Another thing: how often does she fly into town? If she isn't traveling to your house 50% of the time, you're doing too much too soon for her; she'll only end up taking you for granted, not respecting you, and eventually losing romantic interest in you. Physical distance, Johnny, is one of your biggest problems, but your spoiling her is even worse.

settling down The most revealing bit of information, Johnny, is the conversation you had with her about settling down . First of all, she should have been the one bringing up the subject, not you. Second, when you have to argue with a woman to settle down, she hears a form of begging , which only lowers her Interest Level (The only exception is if you are a guy with a yacht!). I don't mean to crush you, but women with high Interest Level don't want to go out with lots of other guys. The fact that you have to convince this girl to settle down, already shows that she has low Interest Level . Moreover, by mentioning how rich you are and that you spoil her, my guess is that you've probably tried to win her over with endless gifts (another form of begging). You can't buy Interest Level . Women do love gifts and there is a time to give them, but if you constantly give her goodies while she gives nothing in return, she will end up thinking that you're a wimp trying to bribe her. My guess is that your girl contributes very little to the relationship. Now, judging by how long she stayed with her macho ex-boyfriend, the girl you're chasing loves the outlaw type, not Wimpus Americanis . Why? Because although he is abusive unlike you, he presents her with a Challenge - albeit a negative one. She loves Harley guys and you're a tricycle guy. She loves walking on the wild side and you have no idea where to find it. Your competition, Mr. Outlaw , plays with her mind by being a Challenge, while you beg on your knees for her to take another trinket from Gucci. What you don't get, Johnny, is that your girl should be wondering where she stands with youbut you never give her this opportunity. Instead you keep acting like a butler, catering to her every whim. I'll bet she wonders where she stands with Mr. Outlaw . You may consider this guy a complete loser - but she stayed with him for two years! Do you see how she prefers a negative Challenge to you? Now what if you were a positive Challenge?

slow down So what should you do now? First, save yourself some trouble and find someone closer to home. If you absolutely must give this girl a shot, ask her to do 50% of the traveling (this will reveal her Interest Level really fast!). Also, cut out the gift giving and let her be the one to raise the issue of settling down again. In the meantime, don't stop dating other people. She hasn't stopped! In your next relationship, look for a woman who likes you - first. Allow her to express her love for you by giving to you first. Then, reciprocate in response. Like most guys, you rush the romantic process. Men have to learn to slow down. If you learn to do this, Johnny, women will start coming to you . Besides looking at the woman's attitude, you've got to look at her track record in the race of love. Like a bookie who knows the history of a thoroughbred at Del Mar and says, She only wins on a dry track , you need to look at Miss Right's track record and find out whether you are her type of guy or not. Otherwise, she will look at you like Man O' War facing a muddy track: no Interest Level. From now on Johnny, forget your Interest Level , pick your women carefully and learn to back off and be a challenge. Remember, the number one fact of life is, "She has to like you first", so save your love for those who appreciate you.

Are Flexible Men More Successful in Relationships? Hi Doc I just spent the whole weekend arguing with my fiance. She wants me to go to her Class reunion, but I think it's a waste of time and money. I'm not the outgoing type and I get uptight in groups - so the thought of spending an evening talking to people I don't even know makes me feel very uncomfortable. My fiance says this is a big deal to her. We're in love and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want to go to her reunion. How can we resolve this when we both have such opposing views? Am I being stubborn? Sincerely, Pressured Paul

doc love's answer Hi Paul, There is a proverb my cousin Rabbi Love always uses: "One hand washes the other." This statement, Paul, is your answer in a nutshell. Choosing whether or not to go to the reunion - like any decision you make - will have both positive and negative aspects and consequences. Let's look at these two choices through the clinically objective eyes of a love scientist using The "System". Let's examine the questions in order:

1) What happens if you don't go? 2) What happens if you do go? 3) What should you do if you do go? First of all, I need to warn you up front: if you don't go to the reunion, your fiance might go so far as to call off the engagement. Why? Because she will think you're a taker . Just think: for a lousy grand and four hours of smiling at strangers, you would break her heart. Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! You know I only help men, but on this rare occasion, you are the thoughtless user. In reading between the lines of your question, I have the strangest feeling you are a pouter or a Mama's boy. Am I getting warm? Paul, do you really think there would be nothing to pay for this transgression? Do you really think she would let this slide? You will learn the true meaning of the word resentment when she makes you the poster boy for the word inconsiderate . Her Interest Level in you would definitely take a big dip for this one. Even in the best of circumstances, you would still pay a dear price in the way she treats you for a couple of months. The inevitable fights that would follow - seemingly over nothing - would cause her feelings to weaken. Why? Because fighting never raises a woman's Interest Level - unless you're a guest on the always-fabulous Jerry Springer Show! I hope you can now see that you really must go to this event. Since you're going, make sure you don't make the devastating mistake of wearing a sour expression on your face. If you do, you will undoubtedly make her feel uncomfortable and ruin her chances of having a good time. Then when you return home, she'll nag and call you an insensitive pig because you didn't put your heart into it. Nagging usually starts at the end of the honeymoon - why rush it?

bonus points Let me show you how to get some mileage out of the reunion instead - and score so many points with her that life at home will be blissful for months, perhaps forever. The technique is this: go to her reunion with a happy face. Why is this important? Because the only reason she wants you to go is so she can show you off to everybody, especially all the guys who rejected her, who now all have big wives with wrinkles. In addition, when you look like you're enjoying yourself on the dance floor with her, she'll believe her female former classmates are jealous of her. She will then feel lucky to be with such a fun guy, which is good for you. By merely making the effort to have a good time, she will give you credit for trying. Having fun at her reunion is, in her eyes, a big deal, because she knows how much you hate these events. By going to the reunion and being a good sport, she will perceive your act as giving - and in the future, she will make her slate clear when you want to do something that she doesn't want to do. You may ask: "How do I act charming and fun when I'm so 'uptight' around crowds?"

Answer: By developing a personality. Go join Toastmasters , Dale Carnegie , or buy a dance video. An evening like this will only happen once every ten years (if that) and at worst, will only last four hours - so grow up and show her you are a man by rising to the occasion. Remember, she would do it for you. To prevent Miss Right from straying, a man must possess confidence (in addition to selfcontrol and Challenge ). A confident man is able to carry his water under many conditions so be flexible. Imagine this: what if I offered you a million dollars - would you be flexible then? What if my cousin, Sal "The Fish," told you: You are going to dance with your fiance at the reunion. When I ask her what happened, she'd better give me a great report or you and I will take a long walk down a dark alley! Get the drift? I knew that you would.

Does James Bond Only Date Flexible Women? Hi Doc In a past column, you told one of your male readers to wait a week before calling a woman for a date. It's been my experience that it's easier to keep a starving Rottweiler away from his Alpo, than it is a man away from a woman that he's fascinated by. Because of this, if a man behaved towards me in the way that you recommended, I would quickly assume that a) he wasn't terribly interested in me, or b) he was playing a game. In either case, I would move on. I expect clear signals and courtesy from a date if there is to be interest on my part. Genuineness is far more compelling than transparent manipulation. I assure you that I would soon lose interest in any man who waited too long to call me. Sincerely, Barb who still believes in genuineness and manners

doc love's answer Barb, Let me get this straight - a man meets you once and now his new responsibility is to call you to "check in" if he cannot go out within seven days? That's a very short leash for a guy who barely knows you! Shouldn't you wait until you are married? First of all, I doubt you would even enforce this rule if you had high Interest Level in the man. If Pierce Brosnan got your number, you would accept a date if he waited a week to call. In fact, you would even accept a date if he waited a month! Why? Because Interest Level cuts through everything, even your seven-day rule. If a girlfriend pointed out to you that Pierce hadn't called you in weeks, you would quickly rationalize, "It's okay. He's probably busy

making a movie." The great thing about playing James Bond is that it doesn't matter when you call Miss Right for the first date! As for the question of courtesy and manners, I could speak volumes about the rudeness guys frequently tolerate. For example: broken dates due to her mother's sickness, her parakeet having a stroke, or her remembering at the last minute that she has to study for the State Bar. I could go on and on, but I'll save that for another time. Suffice it to say, courtesy and manners should go both ways. Don't you agree? The fact is that your seven-day rule would give you many false rudeness readings. Suppose your new gentleman friend was in the middle of moving his business and didn't even have time to shave? Or what if he had just started a new job and had to hit the training manuals for his boss that weekend? Or, what if he had already made two commitments, though he would rather be with you? Your seven-day rule doesn't provide the possibility of any previously made obligations. Not very reasonable or flexible, wouldn't you say? You would also fault my students for not giving you "clear signals", nor showing enough of their Interest Level, yet you know that those things don't have anything to do with raising your Interest Level. In fact, they can only lower it. At the beginning of a relationship, the woman wants to think she is getting a stud and not Mr. Predictable. Romance and its permutations do fascinate her, but if a man acts like every other guy, she won't feel that excitement. Why? Because she's looking for someone different and unique. When a guy fascinates her with a different approach, her Interest Level goes up. Conversely, when a guy behaves predictably, like begging on her answering machine while she laughs and drinks a glass of wine with her girlfriends, her Interest Level will drop. Barb, judging by the way you compare a man with high Interest Level to a starving Rottweiler, I know you already agree with me on this. What high regard you have for those who would give you such clear signals! It's virtually impossible for a woman to know the reasons why a man doesn't call her within two days, like 90% of guys. But even if she knew you were following The "System", that would still be okay. Why? Because you are showing her that you understand women, which makes her respect you more. You want a woman who either assumes you are busy during the week (Heaven forbid, Miss Right might think you have other dates!) or says to herself, "Okay, he may be trying to play it cool, but I can play along" In other words, a woman who views your self-control as part of the courtship dance, not manipulation. Will a guy get such a response from a woman? Yes, if she has 51% Interest Level, but preferably a lot higher and she is flexible (one of the required female strength qualities). Barb, if you had turned down a date with one of my students while telling him seven days was too long for you to wait, he would have been relieved. Why? Because he would know you had saved him time and money! He would have said to himself as he hung up the phone, "I can

only imagine the other rules she's saving for her future boyfriend! How structured can you get? It's her loss - not mine!" Men have to learn to court only flexible women, especially if they're not James Bond.

When Are Women Happiest? Hi Doc, I just discovered your Internet column in Askmen.com; the one entitled "A Dose of Male Perspective on this Romantic Love Stuff." As a baby boomer, single (divorced) woman, I disagree on one aspect: The woman is happiest when she does the chasing and when she thinks it's her idea to pursue a romantic relationship , so men - play hard to get. Personally, I'm happiest when I'm being chased by the man. I like to play hard to get in the beginning because when a man pursues me (even though I'm interested in him), I know that he's really interested. Any comments? Sincerely, Wanda - who waits and sees.

doc love's answer Barb, Hi Patient One, Great question, Wanda. I normally don't print questions from women, but your question is so important that I'm going to print it anyway, since it'll help my boys. As to your statement, Wanda: Not knowing whether a man is interested in you has never been one of your problems. Come on, Wanda! You could read a man's vibes after five minutes of conversation and body language! It's the men who most frequently overlook the crossed arms, the yawns and the bored expressions of a potential love interest with zero Interest Level , not the women. With all due respect to Wanda, spending every available moment chasing a woman and verbalizing to her how much you like her, is both a waste of time and a detriment to your cause (raising her Interest Level ). Your time would be better spent studying The "System" and learning how to be a Challenge .

the chase vs. the challenge Let's imagine that Wanda is at a party on a Wednesday night and she meets two single and available men, who both have 90% Interest Level in her. Let's say Wanda's Interest Level in

both of them is 75% - a dead heat. The first guy, Mr. Chase, tells her he's attracted to her and would like to go out. The second man, Mr. Challenge, simply asks for her home phone number. Her Interest Level in one of these men rises one point to 76%, while her Interest Level in the other drops one point to 74%. Who do you think gained a point and who lost a point? Unsure? Read on. Mr. Chase calls Wanda the very next day and tells her what a good time he had with her at the party and how much he looks forward to seeing her that Saturday evening. Mr. Challenge waits until the following Monday to ask her out for Wednesday evening. Wanda's Interest Level in one of these men rises to 77%, while it drops to 73% for the other. Mr. Chase calls Wanda four times the following week (in spite of the fact that they already had a date set for another Saturday) and sends her a dozen roses. Mr. Challenge sends no gifts. Instead, he calls Wanda once that week, on Tuesday, to ask for a date on Thursday. Wanda's Interest Level in one of these men rises to 78% while it drops to 72% for the other. A month later, Wanda asks one of these men: Are you married? She asks the other man nothing. Now, boys and girls, whom do you think Wanda likes more, Mr. Challenge or Mr. Chase? I'll give you a hint: she wouldn't ask the above question to a guy who was predictable and available.

the winner is As you can see, Wanda chose Mr. Challenge over Mr. Chase. In the long run, she was happiest with the guy who held back and played it cool. After two months of dating, Wanda's Interest Level in Mr. Challenge hit 90% and she had no desire to continue dating Mr. Chase who no longer made her happy. For their two-month anniversary, Mr. Challenge gave Wanda a single rose. She was ecstatic and considered it, by far, the best gift she had ever received in her entire life. Mr. Challenge, take a bow! For you slow guys, let me put it to you simply. If a gentleman did everything by The "System" the woman would be so gone that her intellect and common sense would fly out the window. Oh, she might try to mobilize her mental forces, but the gentleman's two-steps forward and one-step back approach would throw her thinking into a tizzy. In spite of the fact that women are born detectives when it comes to love, the man's actions would still not compute. He is there - and then he isn't. Just like a Love Ninja . When a woman ends up saying to herself in the mirror, "I know he likes me, so why isn't he coming on strong like all the others?"- it's because this woman has never met a Challenge. Guess what's happening to her Interest Level when she asks this question...that's right! In fact, it's heading for the moon! I know Challenge is a tough pill to swallow - especially if you've been brainwashed all your life to chase the woman, tell her all your hang-ups and make her your mama - but if you keep reading this column with an open mind, then I guarantee that one day Miss Right will call you "Daddy."

The First Date Interview Test Hi Doc, I live in the Del Mar area where I have been following your articles in The Coast News . Your advice has helped me a lot, but I have more questions for you. I recently met a great woman and as you suggested, I asked her for her home phone number. My question for you is where should I take her for our first date? Should I take her for dinner and a movie or is this too much? What about just a movie? If so, should it be a matinee or evening show? If this is too boring, maybe I should take her to a club or concert instead -- or should I try to really impress her by taking her to a play or art gallery? As you can see, I feel a lot of anxiety about this. I'm not a novice at dating, but my relationships never seem to last, so I know I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to blow it this time; I really like this woman. Help me Doc! Sincerely, James with the Jitters

doc love's answer Hi James, Calm down. Acting like a nervous wreck on a date is more detrimental than not choosing the right restaurant. Relax. You're going to be okay because I will be coaching you and my boys never lose. James, there is only one reason why you're going out with this woman: to raise her Interest Level high enough to get you to the second date. The problem is, most guys don't make the cut. Why not? Because they can't handle the woman's You had better give me the right answers or no second date for you quiz, or for short - the First Date Interview Test . Yes, all women view the first date as a job interview - with her playing the role of the almighty boss and you playing the lowly applicant. In her mind, the first date is your probationary period; one major infraction and you're history. So how do you handle the First Date Interview Test ? By not doing what all the other love doctors recommend. They say you should talk about your feelings or blab all your sins to her like you would to a priest in the Confessional. The experts say running your mouth off will make her like you more, by making you appear more sensitive , but the Reality Factor says that her emotions respond to mystery in the beginning stages of the dating dance - not to a man seeking approval.

turn the tables on her The real way to handle the woman's interrogation is to turn the tables on her and ask her questions. In other words, you will be the interviewer, instead of the interviewee.

Your goal is find out if Miss Right has a good attitude (made up of integrity, flexibility, and generosity). So during the first date, get her to talk about herself. Get the conversation going by asking her about her likes and where she went to school. Avoid heavy and negative subjects at all costs. If her eyes light up over a subject, ask her more questions about it. The biggest complaint that women have about men is that they don't listen - well, here's her chance to encounter a man who is just the opposite. Why? Because he is very interested in her answers to his questions. Most women reach a euphoric state when they talk about their favorite subject - themselves but if a woman starts asking questions about you, answer her and then subtly turn the conversation back to her. Keep your answers brief, yet fun and light. You will tell the truth, but just the good parts. Just remember to get her to do most of the talking. After she loves you, then you can tell her that you're on welfare and live with your parents. To answer your original questions about the first date: dinner is good, but a movie is not (you spend too much time sitting in silence staring at a screen). Try a restaurant with a dance floor instead. Art galleries make for dull first dates. Clubs are good, but concerts should be reserved for those lucky angels who make it past three dates. Get the weekend section of your newspaper for ideas on where to go for your first date. You can also go to Barnes and Noble to find books on fun, free places to go within your area. Believe it or not, you can even find good advice in the relationship section of the bookstore, but you must realize that 90% of those books are written by female love doctors (while most of the other 10% are written by what I wouldn't call the most masculine dudes). Just remember my guidelines for first dates: keep it fun and light. If you avoid submitting to the female interview and keep away from spilling your guts, and keep your conversation positive and uplifting, I guarantee that your Miss Right will be dying for you to call her for a second rendezvous. Remember, the key to getting past the first date is to leave a little mystery for the second one.

Does a Woman Feel Guilty When She Cheats? Hi Doc, My name is Joey. I'm nineteen years old and I was going out with this girl for a year and a half. She was my first love - I mean, I was head over heels for this girl. She's beautiful, very attractive, very intelligent, funny - qualities you can't always find nowadays. She always said she loved me - that's what she said, even after she cheated on me six months into our relationship. After what she did, my trust in her obviously diminished. We would argue almost every day. It got very bad - yet I was the one to call her, I was the one to forgive her and I was the one to

want her back. As time went on, she kept playing with my head with her lies and mind games. No person ever made me feel like garbage the way she did. Then one day she screwed me over for the last time. It has now been six months since I've last spoken to or seen her. During the holidays, she left me a message on my answering machine wishing me a Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year, but I didn't call her back. Even though I hate her guts for what she did to me, I'm still in love with her! Why did she call me - did she do it just because it was the holidays? Does she feel guilty about what she did? Should I call her back? I know I shouldn't because it wouldn't be the right thing to do - but I'm so confused! Please coach me, Doc! Sincerely, Joey, who is very mixed up

doc love's answer Hi Joey, As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, That girl played you like a fiddle, boy! You may not think this is the right time for levity, but it really is. Let's proceed. One line from your letter brought tears to my eyes - it nearly made me fall off my chair laughing. The line was, Does she feel guilty? Boy are you nave! Maybe you should quit dating and do stand-up comedy. The reason for my fit of laughter is that your question doesn't apply to the situation. Joey, when a woman's Interest Level is 49% or lower, she couldn't care less about your feelings. How can you ask a woman to feel guilty about the way she's treating you, when she doesn't care about you. Do you see the contradiction? Let me put it to you even more bluntly. Your girlfriend's Interest Level in you is dead. You either killed it through not practicing confidence, self-control and challenge - the three male strength qualities - or it was never above 50% to begin with. The moment your girlfriend's Interest Level dropped below 50%, she started thinking about other men. Contrast this to women who have high a Interest Level - they are monogamous and would never even think about having an affair. The male cannot fathom that a woman who supposedly loved him at one time, could put him through such excruciating pain; but when a woman's Interest Level drops to 49%, she's more than capable of doing so. Joey, your male ego is working overtime right now telling you, She still loves you. Give her another chance. She's just confused. She's not confused, she just lacks Interest Level - not to mention integrity, as her infidelity demonstrates.

Look, I know you're in a lot of pain. The words, But I was always good to her! must be running through your head. Right now you're asking yourself; If love is supposed to feel so good, why do I feel like I belong in Intensive Care? You feel this way because you didn't run a tight ship and now your love boat is at the bottom of the ocean.

time to move on The real question to ask yourself is: Why did I stay with a woman who knifed me in the back? Deep down you knew it was over with this girl, but you stayed with her anyway. I'm curious are you a masochist? Because if she had used a real knife, you would have asked her to break off the blade, like they do at Rikers Island. Am I off base here, Joey? Before you get too depressed, there's some good news. You may already be on the right track. You said you haven't called your girlfriend in six months - even after she called you over the holidays. You did the right thing. She called because she wondered why you stopped groveling so soon. If you had taken her come-on seriously, she would only have tortured you some more before eventually dropping you. At this moment, she's responding to you being a Challenge , but this is only temporary. Why? Because you're pricking her ego, not raising her Interest Level . Joey, I know you're thinking of your true love every waking moment, but you need to remember that she's only thinking about the guy who replaced you! It's time to write her off and get new home phone numbers. From now on, Joey, let The "System" be your guide. Go slowly and never forget how bad it was for you to lose your objectivity. Just remember, when it's over with a woman, it's over because once her Interest Level hits 49%, it ain't never coming back.

What Could Peter Lynch Teach Men About Dating? Hi Doc, I've noticed a change in the women I've been dating. More and more, they only seem to be interested in how much money is spent on them. They play the dating game by having several men in their lives and eventually settling for security by choosing the one with the fattest wallet. It used to be okay for two people to meet, spend some time together and slowly learn if a relationship is worth pursuing. Now it seems that women want big dollars spent on them up front. I have to admit: I have mostly been dating successful women - read that, six figures

successful. I guess I like their intellect level. It's not their money I want - sure money's nice but I'll trade money for a quality woman with a nice attitude anytime. Besides, I've already been there with the homes and cars; I am happier now with extra time and a more typical level of income. My point is; after dating many different women, I've concluded that a woman's desire to have money spent on her does not correlate with her income level. She can clean nails for a living or own a Fortune 500 Company, in either case, I have to pack a platinum card when we go out. So is this the direction things are headed or is my screening process the problem? Am I just being too cheap? I just can't believe that all the reasonable women were taken in their twenties and early thirties. I'm willing to spend some bucks, but only on the keepers - and only if I'm doing the keeping. I need your coaching, Doc. Sincerely, Freddy the frugal

doc love's answer Hi Freddy, You should thank those mercenaries for making their agenda so obvious. They're just following the motto of their little black hearts, which is Love for Rent . Darva I want to marry me a millionaire Conger, the great role model for the female youth of America, showed her agenda to 22 million viewers by marrying a complete stranger for prizes and fifteen minutes of fame. No matter what excuses she (or any of the other 49 class-less contestants) gives us now, one fact cannot be erased: when she signed up for the competition, she proved she had no integrity. What rational guy would want her now? Your problem, Freddy, lies in your selection process, not in being cheap, dating the wrong age group, or living in the wrong century. You realize that you're dating too many gold diggers, but you don't realize it until your money is gone and your heart is broken - or at least a little bruised. Most single women have no idea what men go through when dating, and the Feministas couldn't care less. That's why you came to me, the only love doctor who helps men.

invest wisely No one's forcing you to spend so much on a date, Freddy. It's painfully obvious that you don't have a sensible spending plan, but fear not because I will show you the secrets of cutting your love spending and investing prudently. Though you've lost your heart and your money on lousy love investments in the past, The "System" will turn you into a regular Peter Lynch of dating.

Let's say you meet Caprice at a wedding reception and get her home phone number. Your problem is not where to take her, but how much money to spend. Taking a woman to a nice restaurant is fine if her Interest Level is at 75% or higher. What if it's below 75% or you're just not sure? Then, enter the Short Date, or as the mercenaries call it: the cheap date. The Short Date requires that you call Caprice and ask her to meet for a quick drink after work. During your conversation at the reception, you should have found out where she works so that you can have a nice restaurant and bar in mind where you two can meet. Now if this place is only four doors from her office and she says she cannot give you 45 minutes of her time, then guess what? Adios, baby! If Caprice accepts however, you will have spent only ten bucks and read her Interest Level without spending a hundred big ones. What should Caprice be doing during those 45 minutes? Touching your arm, asking you questions and laughing at your bad jokes; all the while, her eyes should be bright. What shouldn't she be doing? How about yawning or looking at the clock on the wall? This isn't very complicated, Freddy, is it? In your case, Freddy, all your first dates should be Short Dates. You need to spend more time with Miss Right for less money until you learn to better read her true Interest Level and attitude. Fair enough? If Miss Right passes the Short Date, then she will graduate to the Long Date. If she makes it past two dates, then you can increase your spending slowly. As a rule, you should still pick fun places to go to rather than expensive places - how about free concerts in the park or miniature golfing? "Parks? Miniature golf? How boring!" See? Mercenaries cannot have fun unless it's expensive.

When She Starts To Lose Interest Hi Doc, I think my wife has lost interest in me. I'm 36 years old and I've been married for almost twelve years. Lately, I have been feeling that every bit of energy she has either goes into our two children or into keeping her girlfriends happy. Don't get me wrong - I want to give everything to my kids too, but at this time in my life, I also need some closeness with my wife. I feel she does love me, but she never seems to have any time for me. How do I light her fire so she will want me again? Thanks, Marty - who isn't happily married

doc love's answer Hi Marty, Dr. Laura talks about the need for parents to take responsibility for their children and spend time with them - which I like - but she leaves out one person's needs: the husband's. Why do I say this? Because I never hear her say: I am my husband's wife . Obviously, some of the wife's time and attention should go to the kids - this is a sign of a good mother; but being a good wife to one's husband is equally important. This is the point that Dr. Laura neglects. Marty, at one time or another, every couple with rug rats in the house wrestles with the problem of maintaining romance - this is normal. The problem arises when the wife would rather spend her available moments with her girlfriends than her husband. This huge red flag indicates that her Interest Level may be down in the 40-49% range. Let's hope your wife's Interest Level isn't that low; do what I say and my techniques will help you find out for sure. Marty, one of the most underreported crimes in the world is marital fraud. The woman agrees to marry a man even though she does not love him; meanwhile, the man only learns of her lack of feelings after the kids are born. My statistics show that one fourth of married women were not in love with their husbands before they walked up the altar of love. In these instances, the men projected their own feelings onto their fiances and in the process got hoodwinked. Most of the women who commit marital fraud wrongfully believe the saying I will love him with time . What hogwash! If there isn't at least some minor attraction (51% Interest Level) in the beginning the relationship, it will never work - even if the couple is stuck on a desert island. If this describes your case, you neither have the fire nor the wood to rekindle your relationship.

recharge her battery Hopefully Marty, your wife married you for another reason, namely she had high Interest Level in you (well above 50% - preferably in the nineties). If this is the case, then somewhere down the road, you lowered her feelings through not practicing Self-Control , Confidence , or Challenge . If your wife's Interest Level is still above 50%, Marty, there is hope for the two of you. But if it has dipped below 50%, then nothing will raise it. Like an old dead car battery, a heart with low Interest Level cannot be recharged - no matter how many jumps you give it. One way to discover whether your wife still loves you is to date her again. Start by surprising her with tickets to a concert or other events that you know she likes. Now, since we don't know if her lack of time for you is a valid excuse or a red flag, you'll make your dates far in

advance to find out. By you checking your wife's calendar four to five weeks before the date and having a babysitter already lined up, there can be no reasonable excuse for her to get out of her appointment. If she does make excuses, then your romantic relationship is over. Marty, if there is any chance of kick starting your relationship with your wife, then you must start treating her differently than the way you have in the past. Of the three male strength qualities I've already mentioned, my guess is that you - like most men - haven't been practicing Challenge within your heavenly union. Let's change that now. From now on, back off from your wife, both physically and psychologically. Why should you do this? So she will choose romantic evenings with you over shopping with her girlfriends. Instead of begging or arguing with your wife for affection (which never works), let her initiate contact. In other words: don't touch her unless she touches you first and let her be the one to bring up sex. During this time, display a happy attitude. After a while - depending on how low her Interest Level is - your wife should return to her senses and come onto you. If she doesn't, you have a massive problem. Marty, if after all this, you're still unsure whether your wife has low Interest Level , then watch for signs that show she doesn't respect you. These signs include staring at other men and putting you down in public, in front of her friends, or the worst - in front of your children. If you determine that your wife's heart is permanently frozen, then, depending on whether or not your religion forbids it, you may decide that divorce is your only alternative. Of course, you could choose to live as a martyr for the rest of your life, being used as her punching bag and sleeping in a deep freeze every night. But ask yourself: is this good for your children? If you do go down this route, try to make life more bearable by keeping a positive disposition, especially in front of your kids. The important thing is that you communicate your feelings wisely and if your not doing your fair share around the house, then maybe you should. By helping your wife, she'll have more time for you and the relationship. For me, personally - I will never choose such a life and follow the advice of my cousin Fast Eddie Love who says: I will not live with a woman who does not love me. Ultimately, Marty, the decision is yours.

Can You Go Back To The One Who Rejected You? Hi Doc, I've studied your Dating Dictionary, listened to your tapes and even watched some Cary Grant movies. I have also been looking around for women to practice The "System" on. I recently ran into a woman from my past and wondered if, with my new understanding of the dating

game, a second approach would be worthwhile. Looking back on the days before I had ever heard of The "System" I can see that in the beginning, this woman must have had a fairly high Interest Level in me - which gradually broke down with my negatives actions. When it was obvious to me that she had lost most of her Interest Level , I stopped contacting her. We were never actually a couple nor were we ever physically intimate, so we never "broke up" as such. My question is: do women, unlike elephants, ever forget? I read your article about the young man who had his heart broken after his girlfriend cheated on him (Does a Woman Feel Guilty When She Cheats on a Guy?). In the article, the guy didn't call his girlfriend for six months, yet she still left him a Christmas greeting on his answering machine. Obviously, neither of them had forgotten each other, even after six months. I'm aware of your comments about not going back - that when her Interest Level drops below 50% it's over for good - but I was wondering if this always applies. Men and women do change over time, so can a woman ever look at a previously rejected man and reconsider him? If so, does it matter how much time has passed? What if one year has passed? How about five years? Ten years? Let me know what you think. Thanks, Art - who wants to know if you can ever go back

doc love's answer Hi Art, Sorry to break it to you, but when a woman's Interest Level drops to 49%, it's always over for good, by definition. Why is this true? Because in her mind, the things that turned her off about you in the bad old days still exist in you today. A woman never ever forgets a man's transgressions - and it doesn't matter how much time passes, whether it's ten minutes or ten years. It's as if someone puts an indelible mark on the soul of your ex that says, "Art repulses me." Listen, there are just too many negative things written about you on your girl's chalkboard of love. That is why she prefers your replacement: he has a clean slate (at least in the beginning!). For the sake of argument Art, let's assume your girl liked you in the beginning. As time went by, her Interest Level went down one or two points every time she saw you. One week her Interest Level was 88, the next week it was 86, the following week it was 85, and so on. Besides the importance of being a Challenge , the subject that the other love doctors never talk about is the fact that men lose their women gradually, not overnight. In the article you mentioned, the girl remembered the guy all right, but that should not be

confused with her lack of Interest Level - after all, did she make a date? No. Did she ask him over for dinner? No. Like most men who are on the road to rejection, you are grabbing for straws.

never go back It's true, Art, that a woman won't necessarily take it as a breakup if you drift out of her life, but what makes you think her Interest Level will be any higher than before? If, while you were seeing each other, your girl's Interest Level ever dropped below 50%, then it won't rise again in your absence. The hard truth of The Reality Factor says: when you are out, you are out. Can you imagine saying that? Instead John would say, "You guys have learn to be more understanding and learn to grovel more. You have to buy her gifts from Victoria's Secret to enhance your relationship. And do not forget the big rock from DeBeers." The problem with the advice is that it overlooks the "R" word - let me give you an example. She would rather wake up with Arafat and Larry King than look at you. Resentment, not money, is the biggest factor in killing romantic relationships. No mistakes, no resentment. I know it's possible to find the occasional story in The National Enquirer about two famous celebrities who reunite after a breakup. The stars' handlers say that all the venom is forgotten; but the truth is, this is just publicist propaganda. They don't mention that the odds of a happy ending after a nasty breakup are about as good as President Clinton giving up Jenny Craig dropouts. If you must follow the stars' examples, then at least learn from their mistakes. Learn from Don Johnson, who divorced Melanie Griffith - twice; or learn from Richard Burton, who did the same with Liz. Art, you really should put your time and energy into studying The "System" so you don't reinforce old, bad habits. If you really must find things out the hard way - and you have time, money, and sanity to burn - then test out what I say. Ask her out, but if there is anything - and I mean anything - other than an enthusiastic yes, then just forget it. Remember, you are better off with someone new than with a woman who will definitely drop you like a bad habit.

Can A Relationship Start Without The Home Phone Number?

asking the home phone number Hi Doc, Sometimes a woman refuses to give me her home phone number for security reasons (i.e. she wants to keep away the weirdos and stalkers), but she is perfectly willing to meet me at a

restaurant first. However, I really prefer to call the woman before the first date. Is her reluctance an example of low Interest Level or of modern times? Sincerely, John - who wants to know if what she says is legit?

doc love's answer Hi John, The Home Phone Number Paranoia Excuse makes sense at first glance, but in reality it doesn't wash. Here's why: If you had asked any one of those women on the spot, "Have you ever given your home phone number to a guy without meeting him at a restaurant first?" chances are 99 out of a hundred that she would have answered: Yes, but it was different with him... The difference was that she had interest in him - but not in you. A woman doesn't need to go to a restaurant to know whether or not she wants to give you her number. This is just a female version of the ol' hat trick, except she hopes you never see the low Interest Level hiding in her bonnet. Now before all you Feministas come out of the woodwork and get upset, let me make something perfectly clear: stalkers (guys who cannot leave when the relationship is over) are a menace. They should be forced to wear electronic dog collars that shock them every time they're within one hundred miles of their ex-girlfriends. But as bad as these terrorists are, we need to keep in mind that they only represent a tiny minority of men. I agree that a girl should take all necessary precautions, but we're only talking about asking for her home phone number, not her home address.

watching out for psychos The point is if a woman suspects she's dealing with a serial killer and decides not to see him, she can always let him talk to her answering machine for a few weeks until he gives up. She should already be used to doing this, because after all, this is how she already gets rid of 90% of her dates. If it doesn't work, she can always change her phone number. Any reasonable girl would be willing to take these chances for a guy she's dying to see. But even if a girl has high Interest Level, John, she may still refuse to give you her home phone number. The reason is her attitude - specifically: in spite of her high Interest Level, she is too structured (To you Psych majors, she's inflexible). The structured woman wants to control the relationship every step of the way. She may have been born a control freak or she may have become that way due to bad experiences with men from her past (men that she chose to be with!). Now she wants to put all men through the wringer before she gives them the time of day. The source of her hang-up should not matter to you. Why? Because The Bottom Line Factor says: if she is not flexible, she's out. Period.

abusive boyfriends It's a real shame that some structured women have had abusive boyfriends in their past, but excuses aren't recipes for success in romantic relationships. Women like this should be pitied, but never dated. If you fall for one of these sad cases John, you will only end up suffering instead of getting the love that you so richly deserve. Women are twice as intuitive as men when it comes to relationships. This is because relationships are the woman's turf. If this is true, then you may be wondering John, why some women ignore their intuition and choose abusers for love partners. The answer? Because sadly, some women consider abuse preferable to being alone. A woman can read a man's Interest Level within five minutes, but it takes five or six dates for her to read his attitude. If the man shows any signs of jealousy or possessiveness (the most common traits of an abuser) during this time, then she has a decision to make. If she is sharp, she'll walk. If she is a loser, she'll stay.

sharp vs. loser A sharp woman doesn't want a guy who flies out of control every time someone looks at his "property". She would rather spend time with someone who takes another man's ogling as a compliment to his taste instead of a threat to his manhood. Successful women know life is too short to waste on an uptight guy. A loser, on the other hand, sees jealousy and possessiveness as healthy signs of the man's high Interest Level. She says to herself: "I don't care if he might abuse me because deep down, I know he really loves me..." (My cousin, Rabbi Love would ask, "Since when did abuse have anything to do with love?" ) Some of these insecure women view an abuser's instability as a sign that he can be controlled - and she knows which of his buttons to push. To test her power, she may flirt with another guy in order to start a fistfight between the two men. She gets her way with her manipulation until she pushes him too far. My point is some women consistently choose uptight guys. Their cases prove that there are no victims, just volunteers. I bet you will never hear that on Oprah or Sally Jessy Raphael! John, if you asked those ladies for their home phone numbers and they refused, then chances are you're only missing out on headaches. Not to mention ex-boyfriends lurking in the bushes, ready to slash your tires! Your mission should be to find a woman who is confident and functional, and not to submit to an uninterested or structured woman's outlandish demands. With my coaching, John, you will definitely wait for a better deal. Remember, without the home phone number, you have nothing.

Avoiding the Telephone Time Waster

asking the home phone number Hi Doc, I read your articles every week in AskMen.com and I consider myself a follower of The "System". I wonder if you could help me out. My brother's girlfriend told me about this girl she works with. She told me that we had a lot in common, including the fact that we live in the same city. She sounded great, so I told my brother's girlfriend to give her my phone number. The following evening, she called me. We seemed to hit it off right away. Things went great at first. Her Interest Level was high. I had what George Costanza from Seinfeld calls "hand" - she would call me at least two times a day while I would call her every other day. Things went great until the one time I waited three days to call her, thinking this was the way to go. When I asked her how she was doing, she said angrily, You'd know if you had called me . From then on, I called her every day. My problem is this: it feels as though I have lost my "hand". We've been talking for two months now, but I feel that her Interest Level has drastically decreased. I want to take our relationship to the next level, but I'm running out of options. What can I do? Stan - who is stumped

doc love's answer Hi Stan, When your girl said, You'd know if you had called me , you should have said: I'm sorry I messed up your schedule, your highness", instead of rolling over like Fido. This girl is already throwing zingers at you and you haven't even been out yet - what's her rush? She can spend a lifetime playing the Putdown Queen after you marry her! Contrary to what you might think, having numerous telephone conversations with a girl without a single face-to-face meeting is not dating - this is a common Telephone Blunder. The fact that she called you twice a day for a while only indicates that she had high Interest Level in your voice! If you had asked her out for a Short Date, you would have found out the first night whether or

not your relationship was moving to the next level. This sure beats waiting two months, only to find out that she never desired a romantic relationship in the first place. I'm sorry to say that this describes your case, Stan. Your girl is what I like to call a Telephone Time Waster(TTW), a kissing cousin of the Professional Dater. This confuser has 40 to 49% Interest Level in you, plus she is structured to boot. She uses Ma Bell and her answering machine as a means of always keeping men at arm's length. When you try to start a relationship with a TTW, she'll tell you, I'm more comfortable getting to know you better over the phone before we have our first date . The problem is, the first date never takes place.

is she worth your time? When dealing with a TTW, forget what you want out of the relationship; her agenda is the only thing she cares about. This type of woman doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants strokes from anonymous admirers over the phone lines. By the way, Stan, you don't think that this is the first time she has run this scam, do you? If so, your lights are on, but no one's home. The sad fact is she won't be lonely after you get the drift and move on, because there will be plenty of dummies to take your place. How do I know your girl is a TTW? Because if she were interested in romance, she would have dropped big hints about wanting to go on a date with you within the first week. Instead, she seems perfectly content to have this imaginary relationship continue until kingdom come.

is she flexible? This brings me to the subject of flexibility, or her lack thereof, to be exact. When you waited three days between phone calls, she threw a fit. This, of course, was an overreaction; after all, you two aren't even dating. So why the tantrum? Besides withholding her ego's favorite drug (male attention), you unknowingly broke one of her rules. A TTW, like all structured women, has rules that her men must follow (rules before a first date- wow!). She has no qualms about wasting your time on the telephone (or in chat rooms, like her sister, the Internet Time Waster does) but if you break her rules there is Hell to pay! Of course, you were wrong to go along with this charade; by doing so, you unwittingly sanctioned her counterfeit relationship, along with its royal decrees! Falling into her trap was bad enough, but one part of your story really made me cringe: the moment where you let yourself get intimidated and manipulated by her angry reaction. You were so afraid of her leaving you that at her slightest growl, you came back to her apologizing. I'm sorry to say, Stan: she worked you like a cheap puppet from Toys 'R Us.

You thought incorrectly, that if The "System" screened out your girl then you and The "System" would be the losers, and not her. The fact of the matter is that you should be thrilled when a demanding or structured woman is filtered out, because she isn't eligible for dating anyway.

better safe than sorry You must understand and appreciate this deep point: we want to get rid of trouble before it happens . The "System" does not measure success by how many women you keep from walking out of your life; its success comes from your increased happiness and sanity, which comes from keeping the women with high Interest Levels and good attitudes in your life. At the end of the first conversation, you should have asked your girl to meet somewhere for coffee. If she refused, you could have dismissed her that night and saved yourself two months of heartache. Following The "System" automatically makes bad love choices fall by the wayside, while the good choices will want to have your baby. Keep in mind that by practicing my principles, you are one step closer to finding and keeping Miss Right!

Dating An Old Fashioned Woman Hi Doc, My name is Mark. I'm 27 years old and I've read your Dating Dictionary. I live in a rural Christian Homeschooling community - which is kind of like an Amish community, except we like to drink and smoke cigars. The families here practice "Christian Courtship" which is basically the old fashioned way. If you are interested in the girl, you have to get her father's blessing before you show your interest openly. The girl I'm interested in is my neighbor, Jessica. Her dad is an elder in the church and she looks up to him tremendously. Last year, before I bought your program, I chased after her and got the cold shoulder. I backed off and looked elsewhere for a while, but now I think she's interested in me again. She makes a lot of eye contact, smiles, laughs a lot, and has a generally open body posture toward me. Also, the last two times I saw her, she spontaneously hugged me. She has never done this for as long as I can remember. And while in a van during a church field trip, I caught her looking at me through the rear view mirror several times.

and then what? But the most promising sign came one night when I baby-sat her little twin sisters. Before she left that evening, Jessica told me she left candy for the kids in her room on her dresser. When I went in there, I saw a romantic photo of her mom and dad kissing at a wedding, some stuff with hearts on them and to my surprise - a poem that I had written and framed for Valentine's Day a year ago. Was she trying to tell me something, Doc? There is one negative sign, though. Whenever I initiate a conversation with her at church, she keeps it short and leaves quickly. I have usually taken this as negative, but I also suspect that she is very wary about gossip and doesn't want to appear interested in public - am I just rationalizing? The Bottom Line is: she's not really friendly at church, but she's much friendlier everywhere else, especially at her home. So what's her true Interest Level? In a couple of months, there will be a Harvest Ball, which is a very classy formal dance. Is there a way to apply challenge while at the ball? How do I create challenge in a situation that isn't really dating, since I can't be openly romantic? I have to get her Interest Level up to 80% or higher before I go to her dad, otherwise, he'll just say, "She's not interested" - and that will be the end of it. I thank you for your input. Mark - who is old fashioned

doc love's answer Hi Mark, Congratulations! You did two things right. First, you went after an old-fashioned farm girl. These girls see cows born and shovel manure - in other words: they are taught to work hard and to carry their own weight. Second - and more importantly - you read her Interest Level(IL) correctly. I usually beat up the guys in my articles for being too subjective, but so far, Mark, you've been right on the money with your observations. When a woman is interested in a guy, she cannot just walk up to him and say: "I'm interested in you." Why not? Because there would be no game playing involved and where's the fun in that? So what does she do instead? Whatever it takes to make you make the first move. Most people call these actions "flirting", but I call them "Buying Signals". Mark, your girl's Buying Signals are very promising. Let's take a look. First, she makes eye contact and smiles. This is just the opposite of what a girl does when she couldn't care less about a guy (which is most of the time). On top of this, she's laughing at

your crummy jokes. This puts her IL at 80%. On the subject of hugs, there is an old Chinese adage that says, "Woman who like man, find excuse to touch, Grasshopper!" Most women are not touchers, so a hug is a big deal. The only question you have to ask is: "Does she do this with the other farm boys?" If she does, then she's the type of woman who touches everybody, which is not a sign of high Interest Level. Let's assume your girl isn't just being friendly - let's add another two points. Now her IL is up to 82%.

wait, there's more So you caught her looking at you when your head was turned, huh? This is a very strong sign. Don't bust her on her rubbernecking. Instead, just act oblivious to the staring and count how many times she does it again. Add another three points for this one and she now has 85% IL. Finally: her saving your poem is one thing, but your girl didn't even care if you found out about it! She was trying to tell you something all right, namely: "Add another five points to her IL!" This gives Miss Right a grand total of 90% IL. Now, a lot of other love doctors would say her abruptness at church shows low IL. I say it shows the opposite. Merely talking to you in church would be no big deal if she had low Interest Level, but with high IL, it could be considered flirting. Your girl knows that flirting in church is a big no-no, so she cuts her conversations short. In other words, Mark: she has class and high IL. Your chances of success with this woman are very high. My job is to coach you to keep that number high.

how to keep her Interest Level high Mark, the key to your girl's heart is Challenge, so start being a Challenge by not looking in your girl's direction while you are at church. You can continue to come by her house, but only do it on the days and times when she's not there, and do it half as much (The idea here is to drive her nuts!). Last: go to the ball and dance one dance with every woman who is a killer. Do this until Miss Right finally says: "May I have this dance?" Whatever you do, do not come on heavy with her. Instead, kid and tease her and see if she blushes. Love is playful, not serious. Guys who get serious are guys who get rejected.

Women Who Lose Interest In Stages Hi Doc, My problem is that I'm almost positive that I have a woman who's losing interest in me. We

have been dating for five months now, but within the last month, we have been seeing less and less of each other, even though we work in the same building. In the beginning, she used to call me before my break so we could meet outside the building for a smoke. Now she rarely calls - she just shows up. One could say that I'm getting worried over nothing, if it weren't for the fact that this is only one of many signs that I've picked up. I want to know what happened to her 'Interest Level'? At what point did it crash? What were the other signs that I missed? I know that in the beginning of the relationship, I wasn't much of a 'Challenge' to her. If I did not love this woman so much, I would just chuck it all. But I think she's definitely worth investing whatever it takes to get her high 'Interest Level' back. Thanks. George - who wants to know the truth

doc love's answer Hi George, Unless she catches you in bed with another person, the woman's high 'Interest Level' (term for level of interest in the opposite sex) does not drop like a rock. It drops gradually, in five stages. Before we discuss the five stages, George, let's talk about your case. Although it deals with one woman - your girlfriend - the principles apply to clinically sane women everywhere. Right now, you are starting to get bad vibes from your girlfriend, or as I put it: your stomach is talking to you. You are asking yourself, "Am I sensing a problem or am I making something out of nothing?" Answer: the former - you are intuitively sensing the decline of her 'Interest Level'. But intuition is not enough, George. That's where I come in: I articulate what the man's guardian angel, his stomach, is warning him about his relationship (this is another thing that sets me apart from the other love doctors). I then provide him with the time-tested principles of The "System" to improve his situation.

the five stages The man's intuition is sent into alarm mode whenever he senses any inconsistencies in the woman's behavior. He may conclude that nothing is drastically wrong, but he's positive that the intensity of the woman's feelings isn't as great as it once was. It's a good thing he notices

these behavioral changes, because when a woman is inconsistent, it means her 'Interest Level' is dropping caused by decrese in interest. The first change you may notice in the woman is that she stops complimenting you or laughing at your silly jokes. For some reason, she no longer minds if you go out with the boys like she did when her 'Interest Level' was in the stratosphere. This is the first stage of 'Interest Level' drop-off: it has dropped to 75% or perhaps even lower - down to 66% IL (Interest Level). Stage Two begins when she doesn't initiate touching like she did in the heated good old days. Before, she used to grab your arm when crossing the street. Now she just jumps the curb first and says, "Hurry up, slowpoke." You are between 56% and 65% IL at this point. Stage Three (51% to 55% IL) is where the arguments and zingers begin. The disagreements start out as small and infrequent, but later intensify as her IL gets closer and closer to the point of no return: the 49% IL mark - or the beginning of Stage Four.

what happens now? At Stage Four, the woman is with you, but in truth, you are history. In addition to the arguments - which by now, have become constant and brutal - the woman starts saying things like, "I need my space, but we can continue to date," which is 'Womanese' (language of women) for, "Please move out so I can change the locks and date your cousin." At this point, many guys ignore what their stomachs tell them, and think that - against all odds - things will turn around. Poor saps. They are like the guy on death row who thinks the governor is going to call at 11:59 PM to save his hide. Fat chance. A woman in Stage Four may not be fully aware of her intention to dump you, but the truth remains: she is building up the resentment needed so she will never have second thoughts about coming back to you. She may linger in this stage for months, even years - but no matter what you do at this point, your fate is sealed. Stage Five, of course, is execution day - the day she breaks up with you. Her 'Interest Level' has reached 39% and though you were out long ago, she just can't stand to see your face any longer. The day starts with a big argument - that she sets up - and ends with her walking out of your life forever.

prepare yourself George, based on the information you gave me, I would put your girlfriend's IL at Stage One. To reverse this downward trend, you must add the 'Challenge' that you've been omitting from your relationship. Start by skipping half of your cigarette breaks, and only accepting half of your girlfriend's invitations to meet her outside. Also, let her see you joke around with the other knockouts in the office. When she confronts you about this, smile sweetly and say, "You know you are the only one for me."

These love tactics will work, George. If they don't - Heaven forbid - then your girlfriend's 'Interest Level' has already reached Stage Four (49% IL). Guys, because there are only a few points of 'Interest Level' in Stage Four before a woman drops you, always be the one to get out first - it hurts a lot less. Remember the words of my cousin Fast Eddie Love: "In the airplane of love, there's only one parachute."

Women Who Flirt While Their Boyfriends Are Away Hi Doc, I met a girl at a nightclub whom I'm sure was interested. This was due to her body language, and the fact that she told me almost everything about herself within 45 minutes of the initial conversation. I invited her to my upcoming graduation party and she accepted. We danced and talked for about an hour and as I was about to leave, I suggested that we go out together sometime. She said no because her boyfriend, who was out of town at the time, probably wouldn't understand. The fact that she had a boyfriend all this time came as a complete shock. If that wasn't enough, what followed really confused me: she asked me to meet her at the club the following Friday night. I said, "OK" and asked her for her phone number. She gave it to me without hesitation. This is the same girl who shortly before didn't want to go out with me at all. When I called her a few days later to meet for coffee, she refused again because of her boyfriend. She then asked me again if I was still meeting her at the club the following Friday. I said yes. The following Friday at the club, she told me she was happy because her boyfriend was coming back the next day. She must have been scared of me, because she didn't want to leave the club with me to go for a friendly drink. Her sister later told me this was because she was afraid of what might happen between us if we started going out!

last call Before I left, she asked me again if I was coming back to the club the following Friday. I told her I had to leave town for a month, so I would probably be packing my suitcase. She said I should give her a call before I left town. I replied that it was her turn to call, but only if she wanted.

Is there a chance this girl wants to leave her boyfriend for me? Should I call her again? Should I continue seeing her at the club on Fridays and wait for any opportunities or should I just give up on her? My female friends have told me to forget her, but my male friends have told me to be persistent but patient until she let's me know she's ready. If she isn't interested in me, why would she give me her number and bother talking to me every Friday, being very friendly? On the other hand, if she won't even go out for cup of coffee, how could we possibly progress to the next step? Help me resolve this confusion, Doc. Sergio - who wants to know what's going on

doc love's answer Hi Sergio, I can see this girl majored in yo-yo Contests at the University of Womanese, with a minor in giving men false hopes - you would be more likely to get Fidel Castro to tell the truth than have her fall for you! Your male buddies were way off track on this one, but your female friends read the situation correctly: they knew you had a Queen Stroker on your hands. The Queen Stroker is a sister of the Professional Dater, and like her time-wasting sibling, she has 40%-49% Interest Level*. In other words, she may go out with you, but only when it suits her purposes and never out of love for you. The Queen Stroker will call you from time to time: she may need some furniture moved or her car waxed, but making you happy won't be on her To-do list. This species is a user, and like all users, she has no integrity. For this reason, I predict that your girl will end up breaking the date for your graduation party.

false hope If your girl only wanted to be friends with you, she would have clearly told you. In fact, because she knew you had the hots for her, it would have been her obligation to do so. Instead, she kept you guessing with her puzzling requests for you to meet her at the club. These invitations only served to make you think she wanted to leave her boyfriend, which in fact, she never intends to do. How do we know her intentions? Through the fact that you mentioned: if a woman won't even go out for cup of coffee, the relationship is dead in the water (By the way, I'm glad to see you read my article on the Short Date: What Could Peter Lynch Teach Men About Dating?). So, why would a woman do all of this? Well, rather than stare at the four walls while their boyfriends are out of town, some women believe it's more fun to play with male hearts. In your girl's mind, Sergio, you seemed like a safe gentleman to kill time with. Plus, you were buying all of the drinks (incidentally, this type of woman often says she hates men who play games in relationships - go figure). Whatever the reason for her behavior, Sergio, The

"System" cuts through all of this confusion with one maxim: if the girl is inconsistent about accepting dates, she has a low Interest Level. Period. Sergio, chasing a girl like this means accepting a mayorship to Stoogeville; so don't waste your time. You put the ball in her court with your last remark to her, so forget her - or if you prefer: continue dancing with her on Fridays until one of the other women at the club takes notice of you. Using the user - how about that!

How To Deal With Unwanted Women Hi Doc, Sometimes I think the advice I attain from you and put into practice works too well. Sometimes I unintentionally attract young ladies that I'm not really interested in. When I learn of their crushes, I treat them coolly until they get the message. I know what it is like to be rejected so I don't want to put someone through that pain, but I don't want to be misleading either. It's just like that song says: "I don't have the heart to hurt you... but I don't have the heart to love you." My question is, how can I make it clear that I am not interested without being cruel and without hurting her feelings too badly. Thanks for your help. Steve - who is too popular

doc love's answer Hi Steve, What a problem to have! Have you any idea how many guys would love to be in your position? The dream of being admired by many women compels ugly radio guys all over America to apply for TV jobs. They hope that some woman -- any woman -- will fall for them due to the increased media exposure! Steve, when you first meet, it's a mistake to treat a woman you're not attracted to any differently than one you're madly in love with. Why? Because, as The "System" says: "The confident man is consistent." The confident man doesn't panic if a plain girl shows him interest nor does he let himself get intimidated if she's a supermodel. Whether she looks like Claudia Schiffer or Janet "The Stormtrooper" Reno, the confident man sticks to the same game plan.

appeal to the unappealing Steve, those unappealing women were interested in you because you were naturally a Challenge with them. Your *Interest Level in them was so low that you didn't fawn over them like you do with the knockouts. This makes you look confident and secure, which turns them on. If I could get you to treat the women you like the same way you treat those who look like Rosie or Monica... Wow! I could turn you into a regular Cary Grant! The confident man's game plan is: be pleasant without coming on strong. By sticking to this strategy, he enjoys many benefits -- the first of which is valuable experience. Some of you guys out there have been jerked around by users so much that you forget what genuine high Interest Level feels like. Engaging in conversation with admirers of many types can help you learn to identify authentic buying signals. Then, when you deal with the knockouts, you won't be fooled by any false signs of interest. When you go into interview mode with your uninteresting admirers, you can learn a lot about women. For instance, why they like you. Try asking one: "When I'm a *Challenge with you, do you like me more or less?" Or "If I asked you to marry me, would you stay thin and never nag?" Just by kidding around with a woman for ten minutes you can verify The "System" to yourself, which will give you more confidence.

deal with the dull ones Another advantage of dealing with the charismatically challenged is the interest it creates in other women's hearts. When a woman sees you with a fan club -- no matter how homely its members may be -- she begins to wonder: "What's he doing to keep them so spellbound?" This is exactly what we want Miss Right to ask. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "Kitty Kats Kompete". There's one last benefit to socializing with all types of women: you may find a girl with such a rare, great attitude, that she becomes attractive to you. Such women can often make you very happy. You may not believe what I'm saying, but just consider it a possibility (even if this doesn't turn out to be the case, don't burn your bridges -- she might introduce you to one of her friends!). No matter what the benefits Steve, remember: when you first meet a woman, you don't need to announce your feelings -- even when she turns your stomach. I know you think you're misleading her if you don't blow her off on the spot (you're afraid that if you keep her in too much suspense, she might jump off a building!), but keep in mind: you're just talking with her, so you don't owe her anything!

she won't jump In your situation, Steve, the only way you could mislead an unwanted admirer is by telling her you like her (which you should never do with a woman anyway -- unless she's so in love that she would take a bullet for you) or by asking for her home phone number. Steve, you didn't do

either of those things -- so just relax. If you stick to one policy in your treatment of female prospects (i.e. you are pleasant with the plain Janes as well as the supermodels) and you don't make empty promises, a Feminista judge could not sentence you for love fraud, even if she wanted to. Guys, you must get a handle on your feelings and be comfortable with female admiration. You need to experience being around as many women as possible so you can cut the best deal when you finally decide to tie the marital rope around your neck.

Getting The Best Love Advice Hi Doc, Thanks for your articles. They are great! My question is: Why is the advice given by the other relationship experts so often different from yours? And how come there is such a shortage of advice in general for men? We are very fortunate to have you! Sam - who is pondering why

doc love's answer Hi Sam, You are right: the other love doctors' advice is different from mine - in fact, it is usually the opposite of mine. The chances of getting useful information from Joyce Brothers, Dear Abby or her sister are about as good as Saddam Hussein making up with Israel. The weakness in the other love doctors' advice lies in their research methods. When conducting surveys, they ask women: "What do you look for in a man?" Their question presupposes that what a woman says she wants in a man is the same as what she ends up with. Is this a correct assumption? You nice guys out there who ever lost a girl to a biker with a bone through his nose already know the answer to this.

When given love questionnaires, women list "sensitivity" and "caring" as the most important male qualities, but they don't mention looks or money -- even though they are equally important to them. Why this omission? Because women want to believe that they are big

supporters of "fairness" and they would give every guy carrying a bouquet of roses a chance. The reality is: they are only saying what's politically correct. The so-called love experts make the mistake of taking women's answers at face value. How could these trained experts have overlooked the possibility that women might only be telling them what they want to hear? Are they afraid of second-guessing women and appearing sexist? Whatever the reason, one thing is certain: when men follow the experts' advice, they get slaughtered. Thanks to the other love doctors, men have all but given up on understanding women. After enduring constant beatings in the dating world, they often (wrongly) conclude: "Women are illogical and inconsistent by nature - why else would they not follow their own wish lists?" At this point, men should doubt the credentials of the noted love authorities, but sadly, these men doubt themselves instead.

understanding women Enter The "System" [a program created by Doc Love to help men understand women]. In 1965, I wanted to answer the question "What does a woman want?" once and for all, so I started interviewing women. When I did so, I never took the first answer I got; instead I would probe like an Internal Affairs guy looking for dirty cops. Whenever a woman gave me a stock answer, I would smile politely, then dig deeper, tossing out follow-up questions like Columbo. I did this until I finally came up with the best question possible: "Describe the man you actually stayed with." This was how The "System" was born. Investigating successful relationships, not wishes -- what a concept! Unbelievable as it may sound, this is what those trained experts missed. I, Doc Love -- who got a D in college Psychology -- turned out to be the true scientist simply by asking the right question. I became the first (and to this day, the only) love doctor to actually study women's choices -- not their words -- and develop a system based on these facts. That's how I received the distinction "The First Man in 6000 Years to Understand Women." Nowadays, men need my tactics more than ever. With so many men giving up on advice, only women populate the relationship aisles of the bookstores. Imagine: women -- who already understand men -- are the ones buying advice books while the people who need help the most -- the men -- are getting their hearts stomped on! In the Battle of the Sexes, this is not what I would call a fair fight!

the male ego The male ego contributes to the shortage of love advice by making men reluctant to seek coaching. Many men are afraid that admitting any ignorance about affairs of the heart will make them appear weak to other people -- especially to their male buddies.

Male silence in the marketplace of love advice -- coupled with Feminist intimidation -- also prevents T.V. and radio Program Directors from airing any love programs that genuinely benefit men. Their rationale: if men aren't buying advice books, why should we hire someone to help them? But in spite of this gloom, there is hope for men. The recent success of men's magazines like Stuff prove that targeting a male market is a lucrative proposition. Even though these magazines deal mostly with such burning issues as how to choose a beer or what is Heidi Klum's bra size, it shows that things are changing. The success of my own column is further proof that the trend of male apathy toward love advice is reversing -- I've gotten hundreds of letters like Sam's that show there is a real need in this world for quality men's advice. I intend to fulfill that need by shouting on the rooftops about the power of The "System". Amen.

Men Who Marry Drifters: A Cautionary Tale Hello Doc, Well, I guess I already know the answer to my question, but here's my story anyway. After six years of marriage, my normally very loyal, dedicated wife announced that she was interested in someone else and wasn't sure she loved me anymore! When she and I met nine years ago, she was trying to get out of her first marriage and had been suffering from bulimia and depression for years. In short, she was a mess. In spite of this, I took her and her two children in, and became her source of strength for nine years. Now suddenly, she says she's tired of the "oppression" of our relationship and just wants to "lighten up" and have fun. I agreed to leave the house in order to give her time to sort out her feelings; but after a few days, I couldn't bear it -- so I returned home, begging her not to throw away what I thought was a great relationship and family. She agreed to try to work things out, but after a month her effort went from half-hearted to non-existent. When I confronted her about this, I found out that she had maintained contact with the other guy and wanted me to leave the house again to give her "a few more weeks" to think. Again, I acquiesced.

what happened after? Weeks turned to months. After four months, she decided that despite feeling overwhelming guilt, she wanted to pursue a relationship with the other guy and I was out. She said I was too intense and too wrapped up in work and making money (though she definitely paced me on

the spending side of the equation), while the other guy was a happy, relaxed free spirit who made her feel young again! So, now I'm out and he's in -- and I'm about to get raked over the coals by the divorce courts; it seems that my money and his personality are the perfect combination for her. Throughout the six months that this thing unwound, my confidence and inner-strength slowly evaporated until I could see nothing in her eyes but contempt for me. Nevertheless, I still expect her to come back one day. Am I just dreaming? Al - who wants to know if he is a total dope. Hi Al, First of all, I want to compliment you for putting your ego aside and writing your letter. Except for Country and Western singers, men find it difficult to admit ever being hoodwinked by a woman. Your story, Al, is yet another example of the most underreported crime in America: Marital Fraud.

the other guy The moment your wife mentioned her interest in another guy, Al, dj vu should have clobbered you over the head -- after all, during her previous marriage, weren't you the "the other guy"? At the time, I'm sure you told yourself, "She would never do the same thing to me." Well now you know the truth. It's great to be in love, Al, but not to the point that you overlook a woman's major flaws. You knew your wife was a disaster waiting to happen, but you ignored the ominous signs. I'm sorry she liked to throw up and hated to smile, but you are here on earth to be a lover, not a psychoanalyst. Well, look at the up side -- you got the opportunity to play therapist for a while. The down side is: when this type of patient gets well, she ends up hating the doctor and skipping town.

professional drifters Your wife is a Drifter -- a woman bereft of integrity that floats from man to man, showing loyalty to none. Some Drifters drift from date to date, others from husband to husband, but the pattern is always the same: when a man no longer serves a Drifter's purposes, she sails away until she washes up on some other man's beach. Six years ago, Al, you were the lucky man -now it's time for some other guy to get lucky. Al, it's true that, like many men with too much Interest Level, you didn't use the 'N' word (No). Instead, you let her get away with murder by agreeing to her outrageous requests (Al, when a woman says, "Please leave the house so I can decide whether I love you" it's Classic Womanese for "Adios, amigo!"). It's also true that your lack of backbone dissolved whatever

crumbs of respect and Interest Level your wife had for you. But short of drugging her with tranquilizers, there was nothing you could have done to prevent your wife from bailing; drifters respect no rules and honor no commitments.

you're better off So, no, Al; your wife's never coming back -- but you're better off without her. This woman was never fit for a relationship. I know you're suffering now, but you're on the road to recovery. By following The "System" from now on, your confidence and inner strength will return in due time. I just feel sorry for the poor brats who have this woman for a mother. Feministas always talk about men who victimize their wives, but never about the millions of men like Al who endure chaos every day after giving their hearts to unworthy women. On the female-run talk shows, all you see are Macho Boys who break their wives' hearts. But is every husband a rat? Aren't there some good men who are married to bad women?

determine her attitude Guys, marriage is tough, even under the best of circumstances (if you're single, tattoo this truth somewhere on your body!). When you pursue Miss Psycho or Miss Unreliable, you will eventually pay the divorce lawyer and then the psychotherapist, who will only tell you, "You should have given her more." Al's situation shows the importance of determining a woman's attitude before getting deeply involved with her. All you men out there who don't think a woman's attitude is important need to be aware of the agony that awaits them. Remember guys: The "System" was designed to screen out losers before they get their hooks into your heart and wallet, and send you to hell in a hand basket - so use it.

Should A Man Double Date With Jack Daniels? Dear Doc Love, I met this girl on a dating website. We began talking on the phone for a while and then we went out on a first date. The date went great: it ended at 1:30am and she gave me the most passionate kiss I've ever received in my life. Our second date went well too, but I think I messed up on our third date. She asked me to meet her parents before we left for the beach. I admit that I had a couple of drinks before I went by (her father could tell, but her mother just thought I was a nice guy). By the time we got to the restaurant, the alcohol really took effect and I was falling asleep at the table.

Apparently I also spent about ten minutes in the bathroom (I don't even remember this). I sent her flowers and apologized. She said she forgave me, but was sensitive about this because her ex was an alcoholic. I mentioned going to a concert of her choice, but she immediately said, "I think they're sold out" and that she needed time to "sort things out" and that before the drinking incident, she thought I was "cool". What can you read into this? Mike - who wants to know if he should let her go.

doc love's answer Hi Mike, Blacking out during a date...gee guy, do you think you might have a drinking problem? Your girl said she forgave you for your antics, but I think she was just trying to let you down easy. The fact is, intoxication and church girls don't mix. Your girl let you go? I think you have it backwards, Mike. From the first date to the third date, you took her Interest Level* [the level of interest that the woman has towards a man] from around 75% to down below 49% -- the point of no return. Her refusal of your concert date was a classic example of Women Don't Lie -- Men Don't Listen: she thought you were "cool" before the incident, not after. At that moment, you couldn't have revived her Interest Level by giving her the keys to a Turbo Bentley, let alone concert tickets.

don't turn her off Mike, you need to understand something about the current dating climate. The "System" [program created by Doc Love to help men understand women] says that 90% of the time, the man doesn't make it past 60 days with a woman -- I call this "The 60-Day Rule" -- as opposed to the Three Month Man. During this period, women are most susceptible to being turned off by male weaknesses. Depending on her values, you could be history by showing bad table manners, by stiffing the waiter, or by walking up to her doorstep wearing dirty shoes (a mercenary would disqualify you if your house is worth less than a million dollars). I hate to break it to you, Mike, but passing out at the dinner table is a turnoff for almost all women.

women notice your faults Rather than look at a man's positives, many women today search for faults (you can thank the Feministas for putting this chip on their shoulders). Because of this dating reality, Mike, you can't afford to show up to a date under the influence of a mind-altering substance. To do so is to fight the "Battle of the Sexes" by handing an M-16 to the enemy!

And if keeping a clear head is important on a normal date, Mike, how much truer is this when you meet a girl's parents for the first time? Think! You were obviously doing well to have made it to that stage -- why blow it by showing up to her parents' house drunk?

with booze, you lose Your mistake, Mike, was thinking that alcohol would loosen you up and make you appear more "laid-back" and therefore more confident. The truth is, drinking too much only makes a woman think you're an alcoholic. Only guys who play in rock bands can raise a woman's Interest Level* by getting plastered -- if you're a normal guy, it only disgusts her. If you had been married to her for ten years and pulled this stunt, she probably would have forgiven you (because women, like unions, believe in seniority), but her Interest Level* was high for too short a time. Therefore, you went from a having a woman who tried to suck your tongue out of your mouth on the first date, to a woman who thinks you belong in rehab. Now if it were possible for you to know that her ex was a boozer ahead of time, you could have used that information to your advantage and avoided his mistakes. In other words, you would have sworn off beer and spirits and told her you were the President of the local Temperance Union. Mike, your drinking turned her off and you got her dad to hate you. I would cut my losses at this point and learn from the experience. So, do not call her. But if she should call you, then ask her out -- but this time leave Jack Daniels in the bottle where he belongs.

Dealing With The "Bait And Switch" At Work Hi Doc, I'm a Desktop Support Technician for a major company and I'm attracted to a woman in my office. This started when I serviced her computer one afternoon, and she struck up a conversation with me. Her idle chatter and the way she kept leaning over me while I worked made me think that she was flirting with me. When I finished with her computer, she asked me if I liked classical music, and when I said, "Yes," she handed me a CD, neatly wrapped. I could see her blushing as I took it from her hand! When I told this story to my supervisor, he told me that he and a coworker had done work for her before and had never received so much attention, much less any gifts. At the time, I had been seeing someone for a couple of years and had never been unfaithful to anyone -- ever -but I kept thinking that if I were available, I would have done something. During the next few weeks, I often stopped by her office just to say "hello" until one day, I

decided to e-mail her to ask her how her machine was working and to find out what kind of music she liked. That night, I bought her a CD and wrapped it for her (at this time, my relationship with my girlfriend was really on the outs). I spent that night rehearsing what I was going to say when I gave her the present.

i made my move The next day I waited until she was back from lunch. Finally, at 1:30pm, I got up the nerve to knock on her office door. She was on the phone, so I waited until she hung up. When she did, I told her that I came across something at the music store, which made me think of her. When I handed her the CD, she said "Thank you" and seemed to like it. I returned to her office a few days later to ask her how her weekend went and how she enjoyed her CD. Then I asked her to have lunch with me. She replied that she didn't eat lunch and that she always runs errands during her lunch break. As I left her office, I felt like a jerk. My supervisor later told me that she wasn't seeing anyone as he had a long personal talk with her about three months earlier, but I had my suspicions that she was. What do you think, Doc? Carl - who wants to know if he misread her signals

doc love's answer Hi Carl, She sure set you up like a bowling pin and knocked you down -- what a strike! First, she gave you heavy Buying Signals, then when you were hot and bothered -- POWEE! She hit you right in the kisser! You're right, Carl, when a woman tells you she doesn't eat lunch and that she's too busy "running errands" during her breaks to sit with you for a few minutes, it's Womanese for "Take a hike!" If this girl liked you, all she had to do was write down her number -- but she didn't. Yes, it's possible that she had a boyfriend and had given you the gift because she was getting ready to drop him. Then by the time you asked her out, she had made up with him. It's also possible that she was unattached, but she only wanted to play with your heart (these women actually do exist!). The common denominator in both of these scenarios is the girl's lack of integrity.

gimme gimme never get

Carl, it's true that you lost points when you constantly went out of your way to talk with this girl and when you bought her a present. You were too available and therefore not a Challenge* [term used by Doc Love to represent the "challenge" of a man when he goes after a woman]. Nevertheless, I suspect that her change of demeanor had more to do with her integrity deficit than with your mistakes. After all, the amount of female Interest Level* [the level of interest that the woman has towards a man] required to give an acquaintance a wrapped gift is too high to be wiped away by a couple of mistakes. My guess is that this woman never had high Interest Level in you to begin with. It's a good thing you found this out sooner rather than later. In spite of the way you may feel, Carl, you got off very lucky. Things could have been much, much worse. In today's legal climate, it is very risky for men to date their coworkers. Men are extremely vulnerable to baseless accusations (remember what Anita The Hun did to Judge Clarence Thomas?). After you asked your coworker to lunch -- if she wanted to -- she could have put a serious crimp in your career simply by whispering the words "unwelcome advances" into your supervisor's ear (it's amazing how differently men and women define sexual harassment: if a guy gets hit on, he feels lucky, but if a woman gets hit on, she sees a lawyer!).

courting may lead to court But pursuing your coworker was only your first mistake -- your second was telling your boss about your love campaign. This put you in a very vulnerable position. If he had been the uptight and competitive kind, and had the hots for her, he could have blocked a promotion or a raise; or had you transferred out of the department -- even out of your job (Heck - if I spoke with your girl and stared at her angelic face for an hour like your boss did, maybe I would want to fire you too!) My point is, if you hunt for romantic prey at the office, you've got to keep your yap shut. Guys, you date coworkers at your own peril. If the risks don't frighten you, then at least follow this advice: First ask yourself, "How much do I love my job? Am I prepared to lose it over a girl who may not even care about me?" If the answer to the latter question is yes -- then let her initiate a meeting outside of the office. If she doesn't do this, then forget her and get back to work. But if she does push for a date, save the piece of paper on which she writes her home phone number -- it can be "Exhibit A" of your defense at your court appearance!

Revealing Secrets On First Dates Doc, After reading several of your articles, I decided I had nothing to lose by ordering your program...even so, I still have concerns about your advice.

It sounds like you're saying that men should play games in order to keep a woman's interest. I know I've been a fool in the past, but it's hard for me to think that I can't just relax and be myself on a date. Isn't there some point in the relationship where I can be completely honest with a woman and share all of my secrets with her -- both the good and the bad? Isn't this a sign of true intimacy? Bob, who is learning from scratch

doc love's answer Hi Bob, Being relaxed around a woman is fine, as long as it doesn't involve burping and scratching in front of her like an ape! Just as important: it's okay to be yourself on a date -- but it's not okay to show her your cards too soon. Let me illustrate my point. You could spend an entire first date talking about how your ex-girlfriend stomped on your heart and how your parents misunderstood you as a child; you could even convince yourself that these heavy subjects will make you sound deep and cause your date to like you more -but the harsh reality is: doing these things will only make Miss Right want to jump out of the nearest open window.

it's not a pity party The woman is not with you on the first date to play shrink, she's there to find out whether or not you're a fun guy who deserves a second date. If you spill out all of your hang-ups to her, she won't see a man -- she'll see a little boy wanting another mama. This will make her want to grab the nearest spoon and gag, even though she may be smiling on the outside. On the first date, you are still a stranger to the woman, so she doesn't care how you feel; she only cares how she feels. She wants to feel admiration and respect for a man, not pity. Most men are too open, too soon with women. The average guy feels that unless he expresses every one of his feelings, he will explode. Worse than this: he thinks it's good for the relationship -- after all, isn't communication what the other love doctors constantly preach? What these "experts" neglect to mention is that there is a vast difference between honesty and openness: if you practice the latter on a first date, you can kiss a second date goodbye.

behave accordingly Bob, I'm not saying you should play games with Miss Right -- I'm saying that you should treat her in a manner appropriate to the relationship and to her nature. Just as you treat your

drinking buddy differently from your female boss, and your female boss differently from a traffic cop; you need to treat Miss Right differently from all your other relationships. You should be honest with Miss Right, but you should always put your best foot forward. For instance, if you were out of a job for six months and Miss Right asked what you did for a living, you wouldn't say "During the day I either wait in line at the liquor store to cash my unemployment check or I'm at home watching Jenny Jones ." Instead, you would tell her, "I'm between careers." Bob, I know it's tempting to hurry a romance by preemptively revealing the intimate details of your life, but you must resist. It's true that in America we frequently hear aphorisms such as: "The early bird gets the worm," "Hit the bricks running," "Strike while the fire is hot," and "Procrastination is the key to failure" -- but you must understand that these slogans, while they apply to business and to nearly every other area of life, do not apply to romantic love. Patience, not haste, is the key to women.

time is on your side In romantic relationships, timing is everything. This means that there is a right time and a wrong time to reveal to Miss Right that you are a bank robber. Just as important, there is also a right time and a wrong time to tell her "I love you." If you let the three most powerful words of a relationship fly out of your mouth on the first date, Miss Right will think: "How desperate can a guy get? He seemed so handsome until he opened his big mouth..." In the early stages of a relationship, romance is fueled, to a degree, by mystery and uncertainty. Women love to wonder about your upbringing, your past relationships, when you plan to call them for a date, and whether or not you are in love with them. Let them wonder -it's to your advantage. Bob, before you make any heavy declarations of love to a woman, wait until you're sure that she's chasing you. The general rule is: let her say, "I love you" first, and from that point on, make sure she says it more often than you do. Guys, in spite of what the other love doctors say, it's impossible to force intimacy in a relationship simply by baring your soul to a woman you barely even know. It's okay to reveal your feelings to her, but only in proportion to the time she has spent with you and only to the degree that you own her heart. Remember guys, in love --- like in poker -- you gotta' keep your cards close to your chest.

Is Love Stronger Than Prophecy?

Hi Doc, I need help on how to approach a woman at my college. Her name is Elizabeth and I wish to ask her out to dinner, but I am worried that she will say no. Why? Because some man at her church prophesized to her that she would marry a preacher some day and travel the world with him, and she believes it. The problem is I don't fit either of these qualifications. I also go to a church that accepts prophecy, but I also believe that you shouldn't limit yourself to what another human has told you because in the end, no one, except for God, really knows what will happen to us in the future. Nevertheless, I'm sure that Elizabeth is only looking for someone who fits the preacher and world traveler categories. On the bright side, Elizabeth has invited me to go to church with her numerous times. When she does though, I am always unable to go -- that is, until last Sunday, when I showed up at her church without telling her. When she saw me there in the pews, she ran to me while the choir was singing and laid a big hug on me. I know it's possible that I'm confusing her love for God for feelings toward me, but this seems like a strong sign. What do you think, Doc? You've got to help me with this one, Doc. This girl is definitely wife and mother material and I would never forgive myself if I screwed this up. Thanks for all your help. Warren - who wants to know if love is in his future

doc love's response Hi Warren, Sure, it's possible that Elizabeth's a Missionary Girl -- a female who acts like she's interested in a man, but in reality is only gathering souls for her church -- but there's another possibility: she might be saving your soul -- and the rest of you -- for herself! Warren, you need a surefire way to determine this girl's true agenda. Don't know how? Have no fear -- that's why I'm here. Just follow me, and I will lead you to the Promised Land! The best way to learn if a woman has romantic feelings for you is to ask for her home phone number. Why? Because it forces her to answer the question: "Are you willing to allow me to bring happiness into your life, or is your interest in me just an Academy Award Performance?" -- without you having to ask it. It compels her to put a grade on her romantic feelings toward you and verbalize that grade to your face. Is this valuable stuff or what!

obliterate the smokescreen

This beauty of this approach is its ability to cut through the smokescreen. By being so direct, 97% of the woman cannot wiggle out of confessing their true Interest Level [the level of interest that the woman has towards a man] to you (the exceptions are beautiful women -they have so much experience with guys coming onto them that many have learned how to fake high interest, even when being cross-examined). Warren, taking the direct approach saves you time and money (not to mention, it makes you look confident). I know you are worried that Elizabeth would say no if you were direct with her, but if she had low Interest Level, isn't it better to find out now rather than after paying for her expensive dinners? Of course it is. You had another opportunity to discover Elizabeth's true intentions when she asked you to go to church with her. You could have countered her offer with, "Sure, and after that I'll take you out to lunch and a movie." If she went along with your counteroffer, there would be hope, but if she had stammered or said no, then she considers you a "friend" -- the worst name any woman could call you!

you're on the right track Although you didn't take these opportunities, Warren, you did two other great things. First: instead of leaping at her first invitation, you hung back. This showed self-control and Challenge [term used by Doc Love to represent the "challenge" of a man when he goes after a woman] -- most guys in your shoes would have bowed down and kissed her toe-ring out of gratitude. Second, you accepted her invitation by showing up to the church unannounced. This was a great move. It showed guts -- and guts are part of a man's confidence. The fact that you and Elizabeth are both churchgoers makes you look like a fine couple on paper. Your concern should be about her flexibility. If Elizabeth lets someone else's prophecy affect her Interest Level for you, she's structured -- in other words, she has an inflexible attitude. Along with lack of integrity and giving, a lack of flexibility is something you don't want in a woman. Think of it this way, Warren: just as it was Elizabeth's decision to listen to another guy's predictions of her future, it's also her decision on how to interpret these messages. If she wanted to, she could view a Bible conversation you have with your friends as evidence that you are a preacher. And -- if you have ever driven to Canada or Mexico, she could consider you a world traveler! My point is, if she is in love with you, her Interest Level will cause her to stretch the meaning of the prophecy to its breaking point -- just to make sure that you are her chosen one!

Who knows, if Elizabeth keeps chasing you, she might even consider you more important than prophecies. Yes, guys, some religious women with high Interest Level would actually do this! Warren, your girl's invitations to church were strong by themselves, but when you add the fact that she nearly trampled the congregation in order to give you a hug -- Hallelujah! It's rare for women to be the aggressors in relationships (it is even rarer in church!), so you've got a very strong Buying Signal. True -- some churchgoers hug each other out of their love for God, but I don't think that's what happened in your case. I think you've got an angel with 80% Interest Level. Warren, you've done a good job so far, but keep utilizing the principles of The "System" [program created by Doc Love to help men understand women] -- if you do, you will raise her Interest Level to high heaven, until she might just ask you to tie the holy knot till death do us part!

Can A Kiss Between Friends Be Forgiven? Hey Doc Love, I'm a college student and consider myself a "nice guy." I've been seeing a girl for about two months now. We started out as friends, but I actually wanted more (although I was afraid to tell her). Luckily, she made the first move and kissed me. We both successfully got past saying "I love you" to each other for the first time, but soon after we got physically involved, things got awkward. Fortunately, there was a school break coming up, so we had time to think things over. The night after we got back from vacation, she called me to say, "We need to talk." When she got to my dorm, she told me that she thought we were getting "too close" emotionally and physically, and that she was getting "scared." Then she told me that during the break, her friend Nick had kissed her and that she had kissed him back. This guy, Nick, used to date one of her roommates, and I never trusted him because of the way he treated his ex-girlfriend. At the time, I vocalized this strongly to my girlfriend, but she said I was being possessive so I immediately backed off. Now, I found out my misgivings were warranted.

kiss of death

Her news upset me very much and I let her know how much it hurt me. She tried to assure me with: "The whole time I was thinking about you," and "I'll never see him again," but at that point, I wasn't listening to a word she said because I was so enraged. Later, while we were making out, she said, "You're so much better than Nick" and "He doesn't kiss like you at all." This was definitely not what I wanted to hear, so I gave her a look of death -- which upset her, so she started to leave. I stopped her and told her that it just bothered me when she talked about how another guy kisses. She said she understood, and that eventually we would work things out and that we should think about our relationship over the next few days. Now comes my dilemma. Should I trust her? Is she having second thoughts about us because of Nick? I really love this girl and I want to be with her, but I'm so bothered by what she did. I'm just feeling really insecure right now and I'm unsure of what to do. Please help. Thanks, Kevin - who wants to know if he's being too uptight

doc love's response Hi Kevin, It's always a bad sign when a woman starts the conversation with "We need to talk" -- for a single guy this sounds almost as bad as "I'm pregnant!" Kevin, your girl's not having "second thoughts" about the relationship -- she already made her decision. Your problem can be stated in four words: She kissed him back. It was bad enough that your girl kissed another guy -- but thinking that you would believe she was "thinking about you" the whole time his tongue was down her throat was truly nuts! I know a lot of women in our culture hug their men friends, but kissing cannot be done so casually.

she feels no guilt Part of your anger, Kevin, comes from your inability to comprehend her lack of empathy for you -- and the low opinion she has of your intelligence. The question to ask yourself now is: could this situation have been prevented? In the early days, when you first became aware of your girlfriend's suspicious relationship

with another guy, you had a great opportunity to exercise your self-control and find out how much she really cared about you. Instead of putting her "friend" down and appearing weak, this was the perfect time to stay silent, smile...and go out with other women! Then, when she called you on the carpet for dishonoring the relationship, you could have told her that they were only "friends"!

girlfriend's no friend If your girlfriend had sufficient Interest Level* [the level of interest that the woman has towards a man] in you, she would have proposed new rules about spending time with friends at this point. Just think of it: she tells the bird dog to take a hike and believes it's her idea -and you don't even have to say a word! How great is that? (Really great -- but make sure that her new rules are reasonable and bilateral !). In spite of this missed opportunity, Kevin, you were still able to find out some good information about your girlfriend. You discovered that she's more interested in attacking you for your perceptions than in giving up her other boy toys -- so much for caring and loyalty! Kevin, allow me to make sense out of the other bits of Womanese that your girl threw at you. First, it is possible for a woman to get "too close emotionally and physically" with a man -but only when she has low Interest Level (your girl made quite an admission!). Second, taking time to "think about the relationship" only gives a woman time to research the most convenient ways for her to dump a guy (so why stick around?). Third, after a relationship has been destroyed by disloyalty, there's nothing left to "work out." Get the idea, Kevin?

don't trust her Your girlfriend's promise to never again see the other guy don't address why she spent so much time in his dorm room to begin with when she already had a boyfriend -- you! In answer to your question, Kevin: you can only trust high Interest Level and integrity; this girl has neither. I know you are angry, Kevin, but at this point the best use of your energy is to figure out what weakness within you impelled you to put your lips on this girl again after she broke your trust. You need to stop trying to be a "nice guy" and start cultivating some self-respect. Well, at least you did do one thing correctly with this girl: you didn't chase her when you first met her. Although you were motivated by fear rather than confidence -- your hesitation made

her think you were "playing it cool," which drove her crazy! This demonstrates that Challenge* [term used by Doc Love to represent the "challenge" of a man when he goes after a woman] works, even when you are sweating bullets inside! Guys, when your feelings prevent you from seeing Miss Right's faults, only The "System" [program created by Doc Love to help men understand women] can cure your blindness. Experiment with this elixir of relationships, and you too can become Love Doctors -- without having to spend years in Med School!

What Can A Gigolo Teach Nice Guys? Hey Doc Love, I have this friend who has the ability to talk women into buying him things. He does not buy them anything or tell them he loves them but they still give him stuff. Recently, a woman bought him a pair of shoes that cost $300! How can I get girls to buy me things too? I am not a gold digger, but I think that when you can get a woman to buy you things, you can get a very high level of confidence that will help you succeed in other areas of life. Tony - who wants to be a gigolo too

doc love's response Hi Tony, Lying to and using people shows the opposite of confidence. The flimflam man may occasionally feel confident about getting away with his schemes, but he's also afraid to face the harsh truth that he's a leech, and without victims, he would starve to death. The modern day gigolo suffers from the same curse. The word "gigolo" used to mean "male professional escort". This was a job that involved dancing with middle-aged women and going to high-class parties with them (sometimes, it involved prostitution). But lately, "gigolo" has been used to include any man who enters a relationship with a woman under false pretenses in order to get his hands on her money. In other words, he is the male version of the gold digger (or as I call her: The Mercenary).

just a gigolo

In spite of his profession's dubious reputation, the gigolo of the past was much more honorable than today's gigolo. At least when the former sold himself, he stated his prices up front -- the latter is merely a con artist who deserves ostracism, and in some cases, jail time. Leaving aside his sociopathic features -- the modern day gigolo can still teach nice guys something about romancing women. After all, his ability to work a woman's heart the way a virtuoso works the strings of a violin is a skill we could all use in our love lives. So, what's his secret? It comes down to following three steps:

three steps to love Step One Adhere to a strict selection process. You may think the gigolo was born with extraordinary powers of persuasion, but his real power comes from the way he profiles and targets only the kind of women who make his job easy: women with low self-esteem. He only spends his time on (employed) homely and matronly women who need love and attention in a big way; they alone can be successfully smothered with verbiage. A gigolo is gifted at smelling out this type, and once he does, he moves onto... Step Two Follow a reliable, predetermined strategy. This is where the snake becomes the charmer -- he starts telling the woman how thin and beautiful she is. Secure women would immediately recognize this buttering up as a con game (which is why he screens them out) but women with low self-esteem fall for it every time. Now, he's ready to give his poverty speech, which makes the woman dive for her checkbook. Usually, men are the ones who throw money at problem relationships, but insecure women are an interesting exception to this rule. Because she's afraid to lose him, the woman gives him "loans" with very favorable terms. She tells him: "You can pay me back once you get back on your feet." Bad move -- snakes don't have feet! In a nutshell, the gigolo's love strategy is to draw the woman in with strokes until she offers him her wallet. In time, he can expect new clothes, free dinners and a beautiful watch to come his way. What a guy! Step Three The gigolo's plan is to coolly monitor his progress. If a gigolo realizes he isn't getting the combination to the safe, he casually drops the woman and moves on (How many of you guys out there are able to do the same to a beautiful woman when she breaks a date with you? I admit it's easier to drop a woman when you have no feelings for her to begin with!).

The gigolo doesn't allow his emotions to cloud his perceptions and actions; he always keeps his eye on the prize.

turn it around Guys, the gigolo's three steps for gaining a woman's money can be used to help you gain a long-term, loving, and mutually beneficial relationship. How? Simply replace the gigolo's actions with actions recommended by The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love]. So -- instead of looking for women with no self-esteem, look for women with high Interest Level* [a degree of love], integrity, flexibility, and giving dispositions. Instead of strokes and hard luck stories, you will offer women self-control, confidence, and Challenge* [allowing the woman to chase you]. Like the gigolo, you will force yourself to stay objective to see whether or not you are reaching your goal -- but unlike the gigolo, you can always refer back to The "System" whenever you are confused. Tony, although it would be possible to learn some things from your buddy, you should realize that he's a lowlife who should not be emulated. Instead of hoping to gain a pair of shoes from a relationship, raise your sights a little higher, my man -- women have a lot more to offer.

Should Men Tolerate Broken Dates? Hi Doc, I took a girl out on a date and we had a nice time. During the date, she kept telling me: "We should do this again," so I later asked her out for a second date. She accepted. When the day of our second date came, she left a message on my answering machine telling me she couldn't make it. I called her the following day and she apologized for canceling. We rescheduled our date for a week later. The evening of the date came and I got another phone call -- it was her calling to cancel again! I asked her whether she was sure she wanted to see me, and she said yes. We arranged another date for the end of the week.

i was too eager To my surprise, I got a call from her the next day, asking me out for lunch. Since I hadn't seen her for so long, I eagerly accepted this offer. The lunch date went well; we ended up holding

hands. Unfortunately, when I kissed her, she became quite withdrawn. The next day, she called to tell me that she wanted to stop seeing me. She said that she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend and was confused. After talking to her a while, I talked her into going out with me again. It took two calls to reach her after that. When I finally did reach her, she sounded genuinely happy to speak to me. She told me that she would call me that weekend to arrange a meeting. She never called. What's your advice? Marcus - who just wants another date

doc love's response Hi Marcus, The first time your girl canceled your date, you should have known it was over. A broken date means it's time to quit, bro. Guys have been jerked around so much by women in their dating lives that they've forgotten how women with high Interest Level* [a degree of love] behave -- this is why they accept broken dates as a normal fact of life. If men would only think back to the number of dates they have broken with the women they were interested in (zero), they wouldn't keep calling back the women who repeatedly kick them in the teeth!

high interest women In case you've forgotten what a woman with high Interest Level is like, Marcus, let me give you her profile. When a woman truly likes a guy: she gives her home phone number without hesitation, she's always there to take his call when he phones her, she accepts invitations without excuses and above all -- she never break dates. In other words, a woman with high Interest Level is straightforward.

low interest women

In contrast, women with low Interest Level give mixed signals. They may give you their phone number, but they will tell you that sometimes the phone doesn't work. They may tell you how much they want to see you, but when you call them, they never seem to be home. Or, if you are lucky enough to get them on the phone, they always have a busy schedule. Then, if you somehow manage to get a date, something always seems to come up to prevent you from meeting. This last scenario describes yours, Marcus. The moment this girl canceled your second date over your answering machine (rejecting you to a machine instead of to your face -- what a classy lady!), it was clear that she was ineligible for your time.

lack of desire In spite of her cajoling words and the token lunch date she gave you, her broken date betrayed the lack of desire in her heart. Women with low Interest Level are consistent only about one thing: breaking dates. This fact should make your course of action obvious: If a woman breaks a date, tear up her phone number and flush it down the toilet. Using this strategy, Marcus, can help you quickly cut through the confusion arising from a woman's mixed signals. If you had used this tactic on your girl, there would have been no need to talk her into seeing you instead of her ex-boyfriend (by the way, if she had liked you, she would have forgotten all about him).

some women are genuine Of course, it's possible -- though extremely rare -- for a woman to have a genuine emergency on the night of your date. But in these cases, she would call only to change the day and time of the date -- not to cancel it completely. Guys, it's pure masochism to stay with a girl after a broken date. When you don't call after a broken date, at least you can save your self-respect. Women with low Interest Level may repeatedly tell you how interested they are, but as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "Words whisper, but actions scream."

The Last Thing You Want Is To Be Friends Hi Doc, I'm currently a sophomore in college. Back in high school, I met this girl that I really liked.

Although we never saw each other outside of school, we would always talk and have a good time in class. During our senior year, I tried desperately to ask her out -- not on a "date-date" but just to hang out -- but I could never find the right opportunity. Finally, that year I asked her to the prom, but she already had a date (doh!). Later, I told her how I felt about her, but her response wasn't very enthusiastic. This was confusing to me because whenever we went somewhere together, we always had a terrific time.

we look like a couple For instance, one time, while we were at Pizza Hut, the waitress kept stopping by our booth to talk to us -- not to ask us if we needed anything, but because she thought we were a fun couple. Also, when I took her to my church, everyone, including my aunt and grandfather, thought that she was my girlfriend. I guess it was how she acted around me (picking lint out of my hair, sitting really close, etc.). Things changed a couple of months before graduation. She invited this guy to go bowling with us and my other friends. Two years later, they are a couple and I'm out in the cold. I was a gentleman to say the least, but I was also her friend. We enjoyed each other's company before, and she still likes it when I call her, but her actions indicate to me that she never even considered a romantic relationship between us. I've invested at least three years in tempting her to like me, but it seems my efforts were in vain. Why didn't it work? Rich -- who wants to know where he went wrong

doc love's response Hi Rich, Rather than "hanging out" and playing friend with this girl for three years, your time would have been better spent by simply asking her out on a "date-date" the day the two of you met (just think of all the ladies you missed out on during those three years!). Well, that's why I'm here, Rich -- I want to make sure that you don't make mistakes like this again.

When you asked Miss Right to the prom, and she didn't counteroffer with an encouraging suggestion like "Let's go out next Friday, for sure," it meant that the two of you had no future together. If the significance of this event was lost on you at that moment, then her subsequent indifference about your crush should have driven the point home. I'm sorry it didn't.

playing the friend You thought that after she rebuffed your advances, you could play friend for a while and later switch to the boyfriend track. Although this may work in soap operas and mushy movies, it never works in real life. Why not? Because once a woman decides that you're not her type, this verdict is marked indelibly on her heart. Let me demonstrate why. When a woman first meets a man, she gives him what I call "The Physical Attraction Test". With one look, she instantly decides whether or not a man could be her "type". She bases her assessment on her personal standards of male attractiveness. For instance, she may find men with black hair appealing, but not blondes; or she may not mind a guy's bald head, but short guys don't stand a chance with her. Once the woman decides that a man has successfully passed The Physical Attraction Test (according to The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love], this would put her Interest Level* [a degree of love] at 51% or higher), then he has successfully cleared the first hurdle toward getting her home phone number.

this is just a test In order to make her final decision, the woman examines the man's verbal and nonverbal cues. I call this last step: "The Confirmation Test". Before the woman gives the green light to a man's advances, she instinctively looks for the three C's of male desirability: confidence, (self-) control and Challenge* [allowing the woman to chase you]. Again -- depending on her personal standards, the woman may grade the man up or down in each of these categories due to his personality -- so if a man's talkative and she prefers talkative men, she may conclude that: he's comfortable around people, he's daring, and he has a commanding presence. On the other hand, if she prefers the silent type, she might consider the same man a nervous, babbling, attention-seeker. The Confirmation Test is the woman's way of seeing whether a man's personality matches his looks. With this last step completed, the woman's mind is made up about the man -- forever.

the friend got played Rich, your girl gave you The Physical Attraction Test and The Confirmation Test long ago, and though she thought you were pleasant enough for a friendship, you didn't make the dating cut. You assumed that you could change Miss Right's mind about you over time. What you didn't realize is that once the female's romantic suitability tests are given, the scores are cast in stone. Neither "tempting" her to like you nor showing her what a good guy you are make any difference. In fact, nothing can affect a woman's Interest Level at this point -except maybe if you won the lottery! As you can see -- it doesn't matter if everyone, including your dog, thinks you and this girl look good together; what matters is whether or not she thinks you look good together. The most important determinant in female attraction is not your feelings -- nor anyone else's feelings. Only the woman's feelings count. Assuming what I said is true, Rich, can you see why trying to change Miss Right's mind about you by being her friend is a complete waste of time? You may get her to like you more as a friend, but she will never consider you a boyfriend.

she's too comfortable It's obvious that your girl is comfortable around you -- this is a positive sign in itself. Unfortunately, comfort -- while a necessary ingredient of love -- is not sufficient. I just wish your girl thought a little bit more about your comfort before she invited the other guy to go bowling with you. This, by the way, illustrates one of the other pitfalls of playing the friend: you end up meeting the new boyfriend. Rich, it's time to move on and collect new home phone numbers. I would try asking out the waitress you mentioned -- perhaps she was the one you should have spent all this time with! Remember, guys: Men do the picking, but women do the choosing. The most a man can do is put his best foot forward and then ask for the home phone number -- anything beyond this is just wasted effort. As the old Chinese proverb says: "No use running if on the wrong road, Grasshopper!"

Judge Judy Says, "Hearsay Doesn't Count" Hey Doc, Every Saturday night, I go to a certain club with a group of my friends to have fun. Every so

often, I see this attractive woman who is always with a new guy that she doesn't seem to be involved with. One night, while I was on the dance floor, she gave me a "buying signal" by (accidentally) touching my hand. I looked over and smiled at her and started to talk to her. I got her phone number with no hesitation at all. When I got back to my group of friends, they told me that she was bad news and I shouldn't bother with her because they all had bad experiences with her.

i gave her a buzz I called her a few days later to ask her out the following Saturday. She wasn't sure if she could go and didn't counteroffer my date so I was quite puzzled. I asked her if she knew my group of friends and by the tone of her voice she knew them well, but wasn't very enthusiastic about it. I know that this girl had high Interest Level in me at first, but now I am unsure if she still does. I would still like the chance to go out with her, but I'm troubled when I think about what my buddies said about her. She and I don't really know each other, so I wonder if the fact that I'm friends with those guys has an effect on my chances of getting a date. So, should I phone her again, Doc? Alex -- who has women problems

doc love's response Hi Alex, Buying Signal* [signs that she's interested], hmm... I see that not only have you been reading all my articles at AskMen.com, but you're also putting some of my love tactics to good use! Unlike most guys, you had the internal fortitude to take a chance with my concepts because something I wrote rang a bell -- now you're running into battle with your new grenade launcher! Hey -- you deserve the Congressional Medal of Honor for bravery under fire (i.e. for dating)! The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says there are many possible explanations for mysterious female behavior. Like a cop on Law and Order , you must apply detective work to the evidence in order to get to the truth.

is she interested? "But wait," you might ask me, "why do we need to do that?" Because your girl might actually have low Interest Level* [degree of love], a bad attitude, or is a Psycho and you don't even know it! We want to avoid users and wackos -- don't we, guys? Of course! Even guys who have never had a date in their life know that much. Yes, Alex, this girl did give you some good Buying Signals and you played the situation well, but now you must ask yourself about the significance of your words: "always with a new guy." After all, you wrote these words; unfortunately, you missed their bigger meaning. Why does a girl spend so much time with guys she's not interested in? Could it just be bad luck that she always chooses the wrong guy or does it reflect her attitude? For instance, could she have an integrity deficit? If she does, you can bet her eyes will wander when she's out with you the same way they do when she's with those other guys.

who cares what they say? Yes, it's possible that this girl knows your group of friends well -- and it's possible that through dating experience, they know some ugly facts about her, but as Judge Judy would say, "Hearsay doesn't count." You should make up your mind about whether or not to ask her out, independent of what your friends say. They could be badmouthing her because they struck out with her themselves. If you choose to date her, you can still look out for the bad signs that they mentioned -- just do your own detective work.

she's unsure But unfortunately, Alex, you already got some signs that she is playing with your heart. When she "wasn't sure" if she could go out, and she didn't counteroffer, you had confirmation of low Interest Level (40 to 49%). This means that, in spite of her initial Buying Signals, you can't be sure she ever had high Interest Level in you. Much like those other guys, you may have never been "in" with her to begin with. It's a shocking reality that some women give their phone numbers to men even when they're not interested (it shocked me when I first discovered this phenomenon!). You may have wanted to go out with her before, but her behavior tells you where you stand with her -- so, don't phone her again. Just think: you will be the first one in her life to do this

to her! At least she'll respect you. The bad news is: you need to retreat from this skirmish. The good news is: unlike the millions of stooges who waste time and nurse false hopes, you have The "System" to guide you through the minefield of love!

Can Women Be Coaxed Into A Relationship? Hi Doc, I've been talking to this girl for about a month now and we hit it off real well. We have a lot in common and we talk a lot on the phone. The problem is that when I ask her if we can take our relationship to the next level and become an official couple, she tells me that I need to take it slow because she doesn't want to hurt me. She had just come out of a six-year relationship with a controlling boyfriend and said that she still cares for him even though she does not want to be with him anymore. We talk and go out all the time and we always have fun together. I have drawn her pictures and bought her roses (pink and white -- her favorite), almost making her cry. She says I know how to make her feel good... so why is she worried about hurting me? I have really fallen for her and I can't stop thinking about her. I don't feel I can keep this up for much longer. Please help. Confused Charlie

doc love's answer Hi Charlie, When I look up the word "evasive" in my Webster's Dictionary , I see a picture of your girl's smiling face. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie... it's time to wake up and smell the fertilizer. It's simply astonishing how many guys buy the "I need more time before I can date you" line and its variations. After all, how much time does one need in order to meet at a coffee shop? Unfortunately, men rarely question the nonsensical statements that many women make.

Charlie, your girl's feeble overtures to a relationship are about as authentic as O.J. Simpson's plans to find the "real killers". You would be more likely to win the lottery! Like the married man who promises his mistress that someday he will leave his wife, your girl is filling your head with dreams. Consequently, you believe that one day she will get over her feelings for her ex-boyfriend and start dating you.

the impossible dream Keep dreaming, guy! If this girl truly had interest in you, she never would have mentioned another guy in the first place. Why? Because she would have been too afraid of turning you off. Charlie, if your girl really cared about your feelings, she would have been direct with you from the start. It would have been a kinder action to tell you weeks ago: "Charlie, I love you as a friend, but I wouldn't kiss you for twelve billion dollars." Instead, she gave you false hope. It's interesting that your girl brought up the subject of not wanting to "hurt" you -- why would she even think of this unless she already knew that she was harboring low Interest Level* [degree of love] for you deep in her heart? This, by the way, sheds light on why she wanted to "take it slow" with you: she wanted to buy time until she was ready to disappear from your life.

useless romanticism Charlie, your drawings and roses are romantic gestures -- fit only for someone who has demonstrated her high Interest Level in you through her actions. Your girl clearly doesn't qualify. Of course, this hasn't stopped her from accepting your gifts and your valuable time and attention. Your girl wants you to play the stooge for her, but nothing more. She doesn't mind your advances, as long as she doesn't have to lift a finger to reciprocate. In short: she's more concerned about making her fragile ego feel good and not about treating you properly. Want to prove this to yourself? Stop giving her gifts and see how long she sticks around.

she's unavailable Charlie, if your girl truly liked you, she would have been the one asking to take the relationship to the next level (wouldn't that have been better?). So next time, let the woman be the one to come on strong.

You're right, Charlie -- you can't keep up your current course of action for much longer -- and thank goodness for that! Why? Because the longer you ignore reality and run after love mirages, the more ripped up your poor heart will become (not to mention all the money you would waste in the meantime). Just think of all the home phone numbers you could have gotten while you were busy chasing this unavailable woman. Thank goodness you now have The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] to guide your love choices. Men think that women can be coaxed into romantic relationships through gifts and kind words, but when they push and push this way, they always get the same results: they get played for suckers. Which reinforces the theory that Nice Guys Finish Last. If anything, constantly giving yourself to a romantic deadbeat only makes the woman more complacent, more disrespectful and even less likely to take the next step. Guys, when it comes to love, a woman with high Interest Level would gladly meet your advances halfway. If she doesn't, then it's time to move on to someone with better taste!

Why Would Women Mention Other Dates? Hi Doc, I was on a date with a girl and I was almost positive that she really liked me. She had invited me over to her house to watch movies and stuff like that. Then, on the second date, she started telling me how she went out with some other guy the previous week. Although she didn't have anything good to say about him, I still didn't like to hear about another guy. What was she trying to accomplish by telling me about this "other" date? Brad -- who wants to know her motives

doc love's answer Hi Brad, I wish I knew what you meant by "stuff like that" -- on the other hand, this column is G-rated, so perhaps it's better that I don't know. Let's move on to the more important mystery: why is your girl so unabashedly open about her dating life?

As is true with most dates, Brad, everything appeared to be going smoothly for you in the beginning -- that is, until your girl threw you a curve ball. Because you're a rational being, you asked yourself, "Why is she talking to me about another guy when we are sitting together on her couch? Couches aren't made for that!" That's where I come in: I can interpret this inconsistent female behavior for the billions of confused men who inhabit planet Earth!

what lies beneath According to The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love], this would usually place her Interest Level* [a degree of love] pretty low, since an overwhelming majority of women (80%) don't mention their other dates while they are in a man's presence. That's why, when a woman volunteers this information, you must pay very close attention. She's showing her true motives. Brad, 90% of women who share the gory details of their other dates with you do so in order to tell you: "You'll never be more than a 'friend' to me -- so don't even try!" In other words, they do it out of low Interest Level. If you were to complain to her two months later about the fact that she's still dating other guys, she would tell you with heartless indignation: "I told you at the beginning that I was seeing other people. You can't say I didn't warn you." So much for empathy! The other 10% of women mention their other dates because they have high interest in you. A woman in this group falls into one of two possible categories:

category one The woman likes you, but feels the need to test you. In this instance, it's not her intention to humiliate you -- she just wants to find out what you are made of. For instance, are you the type of guy who gets uptight when you find out you're not the only sprinter in the race for her heart, or do you smile nonchalantly because you know you're dating other people yourself? Unlike the male, the female knows that dating is a power struggle. This is why she tries to determine ASAP who's wearing the pants in the relationship. By besetting the man with numerous uncomfortable situations, a woman can determine whether or not he can "take the heat" (sorry to say -- most men can't), which shows her whether or not he has a backbone.

In short, testing gives the woman very useful information: how far a man can be pushed before he walks out of her life.

category two The woman likes you, but feels the need to cleanse her soul. In this scenario, she has only gone out with you one or two times, but she already feels guilty about dating other guys. In her mind, she has given herself to you, so any time spent out with another man is a type of infidelity, which makes her want to confess. Of course, her self-imposed guilt is unnecessary since no one can be expected to stop going out with other people after only a couple of dates -- but it's a good sign nevertheless: it shows you that she has integrity and has fallen hard for you.

two applies to you Brad, I'm betting that the second category applies to your case. First off, your girl felt comfortable enough around you to invite you into her home to sit on her couch with her. Women with low Interest Level don't do this. Secondly, she had nothing good to say about your competition. It sounds to me like this girl likes you and has a great attitude -- so far. My advice to you: don't bring up the other guy, and have a blast on your third date! Guys, whenever you are confronted with dating phenomena that you don't fully understand, don't get uptight -- stay cool until you consult the source of reliable information: The "System".

Should I Date My Buddy's Ex-girlfriend? Hi Doc Love, I just got The "System" in the mail over the weekend. I've read a little of it and it all makes perfect sense and I want to say thanks. Anyway, I'm sure you've heard my situation before, so hopefully you have some good advice. Here it is: My best friend's girlfriend dumped him a couple of weeks ago and he was (and still is) crushed. I met this girl a year ago (through my buddy), and we hit it off as friends.

From the start, I sensed that she had a small thing for me, but I acted like I never noticed it, which, I think, made her feelings for me even stronger. I knew in my gut that things wouldn't work out between her and my buddy due to the fact that she met him right after her divorce. Having been through a divorce myself, I understood what one goes through and how one thinks, so I could just tell that her Interest Level for him wasn't where it should be. I was correct. Well, the other night, she broke down on the phone and told me how she felt about me. She is soooo into me -- I would say she has 99% Interest Level. She would do anything I wanted her to do (within reason, of course). She is beautiful, flexible, loyal, giving, and affectionate with me (she was never affectionate with my buddy), and I am attracted to her. I like this girl and think we could be good together, but on the other hand, I don't want to do anything against the guy who was the best man at my wedding. Help! Thanks, Roy - who honestly doesn't know what to do

doc love's answer Hi Roy, When you say this girl is loyal, are you referring to all those Buying Signals* [signs that she's interested] she gave you while she was still your best friend's girl? With loyalty like that, she wouldn't last two minutes in the Mafia! You've got to realize that a woman who flirts with another man while she's with her boyfriend, gets an "F" in loyalty. As long as she is in a romantic relationship with a guy, she should not give out encouraging signals to other men -- I don't care if her Interest Level* [a degree of love] in the new guy is 99.9999%. Much like a hostess at a restaurant, a woman who's spoken for should always be cordial, but never intimate. If a guy tells a hostess she has beautiful eyes, she may thank him for the compliment, but when his table becomes available, she won't hesitate to drop him there and walk away. Your buddy's girl should have shown a similar demeanor toward you.

she'll do it to you too Roy, do you really think that she won't flirt with other guys if she ends up with you? Tell me if you still believe this after you have had your first lovers' quarrel because believe me, you will definitely have one. The Reality Factor says: once a flirt, always a flirt.

Even if she felt justified in her flirting due to your buddy neglecting or mistreating her, you still have to ask yourself why she stayed so long with a guy that she didn't even like. It's highly possible that she belongs to that club comprised of users and women who cannot stand to be alone: Professional Daters. These women frequently go with guys when they only have 40% to 49% Interest Level. Is that the type of girl you want over the long haul? I don't think so. The truth is, Roy, she might consider you a rebound relationship like she did with your best buddy. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She could be just passing through with you too, cowboy." In short: this girl's not a good love choice for you, so forget it. If you had gone through with your plan, Roy, what odds would Vegas give you that your buddy would remain your closest friend? Try one in a hundred.

your friend would be lying Even if your best man gave you his blessing, it would have been a disaster. In his whackedout state of mind, his ego would have made his mouth grant your request to date her, but then when seeing the two of you together, it would have felt as if you had plunged a bayonet through his heart. How would you feel if the same thing happened to you? With his ex-girlfriend spending so much time with you, your buddy probably would have become too uncomfortable to hang out with you. Seeing her there in your house would only remind him of his failed romance and bring up bad memories for him. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you? Another point: by moving in so fast after his breakup, Roy, you make yourself look as if you were eyeing your buddy's goods all along, which -- rightly or wrongly -- will make him think that you too are disloyal to him. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you think the same thing? Odds are, Roy, if you got together with this girl through other means (i.e. she dumped some other turkey) your buddy would still be around much longer than she would. You and he have too much of a good track record to allow a woman to come between you.

friends are loyal You are seriously overrating this girl. Because she's beautiful, you gave her a glowing report on her attitude in spite of the fact that you haven't had a date with her. If you really understood The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love], you would not have seriously considered having anything to do with her. You need to reread the parts in The Dating Dictionary about Loyalty, Trust, and Honesty. Remember guys, flirts come and go, but your best buddy is there for the final roundup.

The Song Says, "Stand By Your Man" Hi Doc, I've got a stumper for you. I met my fiancée at a time in my life when I was financially set, carefree, and had lots of time to shower her with attention. I asked her to marry me and move to Missouri (she lives in Rhode Island). True -- she had to give up a job, her family and her home to be with me, but I have a really nice house and I helped her get reestablished. When she moved in with me, I was in the process of starting a new dotcom company. I started getting clients right off the bat, but unfortunately, as time demands and costs escalated, so did my stress level. I started putting in 16-hour days (although I worked out of home most of the time and she could be with me anytime she wanted). I really hated this type of life because I wasn't fulfilling her needs for attention, but I knew my actions were necessary for financial survival. She hung on as long as she could -- but finally, she told me she had to move back to Rhode Island to get her emotional needs met. We agreed that once the project was finished, I was to move there to join her. Well, three weeks later, the project was complete and I was in the black again. Once again, my days and evenings were wide open. Unfortunately, during her time away, she got depressed. We ended up getting into a few fights until finally, she asked to end the relationship. I only want to share prosperity with someone who has been with me through the toughest times, so how do I get her back into my life? She's a magnificent person with a huge heart. I know I hurt and disappointed her, but she needs to know that many of these circumstances were not anticipated. Thanks for your help. Sincere regards, Don -- who wants her to understand

doc love's answer Hi Don, You said you want a woman who's with you through the toughest times -- well this girl ain't her! Things got tough, so she split. Good thing you found this out about her before the marriage!

As I frequently say -- marriage is tough, even under the best of circumstances. When you run into financial hard times, it's more important than ever that the woman you're with stands by you. Smart men use tough times to find this out. Now, Don -- let's see how your girl measures up.

her measurements While you were struggling to move your business out of Intensive Care -- the business that would soon support the two of you -- what was she doing to help out? (Eating bonbons and watching Rosie O'Donnell doesn't count!). Did she offer to type or stuff envelopes, or bring you lemonade -- if not out of the goodness of her heart, then at least out of the desire to save half of the business that would soon be hers? No. While you were busting your butt 16 hours a day trying to keep the financial boat afloat, your fiancée -- instead of being there beside you to help bail you out of the water -- jumped ship! Why?

she's not well-hung Your fiancée's decision to move out effectively ended the relationship. Why? Because she should have gotten her emotional needs with you rather than leaving town -- regardless of your financial situation. You said she hung on as long as she could, but she should have hung on longer. As you said, Don, she could have been with you anytime she wanted, but instead of walking into your office for a hug, she chose to fume instead. Here you were struggling for survival and she got mad at you for not entertaining her -- is this girl nuts? Maybe not. High maintenance? Definitely. High maintenance women lack two out of the three character traits that make a girl eligible for marriage: giving and flexibility (the third trait is integrity, but we can't conclude that your girl lacks this quality based on the information you gave me). They always expect their men to be at their beck and call to satisfy their needs for amusement -- and when they don't get their way, they pout and lower their Interest Level* [a degree of love].

it's not your fault Don, in my articles, I usually jump all over guys for making mistakes with women, but in your case, there's no reason to get a case of the guilties. Sure, you didn't take your fiancée out

to dinner very much during your period of financial crisis, but you really didn't have much of a choice. Under normal circumstances, the man practices respect, romance and affection to maintain a relationship. While the man should always be respectful and affectionate as long as the woman reciprocates -- the romantic nights out on the town would obviously have to be suspended until your business recovers from its monetary drain. A woman with high Interest Level and a good attitude would understand this and would never hold it against him.

can you see clearly? Do you now see how silly it is to accept her blame for this breakup, Don? You helped her out with her career -- couldn't she have been a tad more understanding in return? Of course not. Why? Because she is just too petty and self-centered to stand by her man. Your company has turned around (no thanks to her) because you are a winner. But unfortunately, your ex-fiancée isn't. Even if she didn't ask to be shipped back to Rhode Island -- you should have told her to pack her bags regardless. As for her depression -- she was really depressed about the thought of marrying you. And did you notice how the fights came as you got closer to moving back in with her? Don, is there any chance she set these battles up? You say she is a magnificent person with a huge heart, but I only see a thoughtless deadbeat who resents hard work. You got out cheap. Remember guys: A true blue partner sticks it out through hell or high water. When evaluating your woman's attitude, follow my Uncle Jethro Love's advice and ask yourself: "Is this girl part of the crew or part of the cargo?"

Why Do Some Women Leave? Hi Doc Love, I wrote to you a while back and your advice helped a lot. I have another question for you. I've been in a relationship for eight months. Three weeks ago, my girlfriend moved to the West Coast, while I'm still stuck here on the East Coast. Just to keep her interested in me and to keep our relationship strong, I call her, surprise her with e-mail, and even call a florist in her area to send her flowers. I also FedEx her letters, poetry and other stuff like that. In spite of this, I'm worried that she

might get tired of me and my gifts, and drift towards another man. Do you have any recommendations on how to keep a long-distance relationship strong? Thanks, Glenn -- who wants to keep the flame burning

doc love's answer Hi Glenn, You're right -- she will get tired of all of your gifts and e-mail. They're not surprises -- they're predictable. But you have a bigger problem. Ask yourself: if you two really had a strong relationship, how could she have moved away from you? When the woman moves away from your city, it means she has 39% Interest Level* [a degree of love] and you are out. If your girlfriend's move were only temporary, Glenn -- let's say, for three months -- that would be acceptable because her intent is to come back. But the longer she stays away after that, the more her Interest Level will diminish. Glenn, let me show you why this is true. Four years ago, I left Los Angeles and moved 111 miles to the San Diego area. For the first six months, I drove to L.A. every weekend to see my buddies. After a while, I began skipping a weekend here and a weekend there, until... you get the drift. The same thing will happen to your relationship, Glenn.

high maintenance relationship Though I can maintain my friendship with my buddies in L.A., you won't be so lucky with Miss Right. Why? Because girlfriends require consistent affection and face-to-face contact, which is impossible when you are 3000 miles away. This leads me to the question: Did your girlfriend, deep down, want the relationship to die of neglect? My cousin, Fast Eddie Love would answer: "There are no accidents." And consider this fact: with you out of sight, more guys are going to hit on your girlfriend -especially if she is a looker. After a while, a girl with low Interest Level will get tired of constantly turning down rides in another guy's Silver PT Cruiser, dinners on his yacht or champagne in his Lear Jet. Plus -- you know she will eventually go out clubbing with her new girlfriends and all the guys there will be asking her to dance... So, Glenn -- what do you think the chances are that she will drift to another man?

I think you know the answer...

her glamorous life? Now, if your girlfriend made this move because Bill Gates had asked her to be Vice-President of Operations or because she had received a full scholarship to Stanford, then she should have proposed marriage to you and begged you to come with her. In these cases, you would encourage her to pursue those opportunities because they would mean a prosperous married life for the both of you. But let's get real -- chances are, the reason why she left is a lot less glamorous. The odds of saving this type of relationship are a hundred to one against you. But if it were possible for you to influence her to move back, you would have to do the opposite of what you have been doing. In other words: no gifts, flowers or written communiqués. If she calls you, wait a day before you call her back and keep the calls short. Also, if she e-mails you, wait two days before you answer her.

be the bigger man When your girlfriend asks, only talk about all the good things going on in your life. This way, you will nonverbally convey the message: "I can live without you." You must play Challenge* [allowing the woman to chase you] to the hilt -- that's why it's not the time to be mushy and to display neediness or insecurity through words and trinkets. While your girlfriend's busy getting her priorities straight, you can be looking for her replacement by asking for new home phone numbers. If, by some twist of fate, your girl moves back (cough!), you can always throw those backup phone numbers away. Remember guys, nothing takes the place of an old flame like a new flame.

Are You Leading Her On? Hi Doc, I'm newly divorced and just started dating again recently. So, I'm out of practice and need some advice. I recently went on a blind date with a woman. Though I wasn't overly attracted to her, I really

enjoyed her company and conversation. I'm not sure what she thought of me, but I would like to see her again on a friendship basis. My question is: how do I go about doing this without hurting her feelings or leading her on? I feel as though I should at least call her and say I had a nice time even though I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but there is no easy way to do that. Is it possible to pursue a friendship after going out on a date or is it better to not call her again? I married young and I don't have a lot of experience with dating, so any help would be greatly appreciated. Chuck - who doesn't want to hurt her feelings

doc love's answer Hi Chuck, I can tell by the tone of your letter that you are a good guy, but your notions about dating are in Fairyland. Your naivet comes from your being locked in a time warp since the day you were married. Let me show you what you're up against when you try to switch tracks from dating a woman to having a successful friendship with her.

give an inch... First, let's suppose that your girl has a high Interest Level* [degree of love] in you when you propose friendship to her. She will most likely accept your offer in hopes of wearing down your resistance to romance over time. Her effort will be in vain, of course. Why? Because in your eyes, this girl looks more like Rosie O'Donnell than Caprice the supermodel. Your Interest Level in her is 49% or lower, but she's trying to raise it to 51% or higher. The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says this is an impossible feat, by definition.

she wants a mile What will be the result of her futile actions? Frustration will build within her heart until, eventually, resentment will rear its ugly head. You will then hear her say things like: "You knew how I felt about you, so why did you use me?" and "Thanks a lot for breaking my heart, Buster!" In other words, if you try to be friends with a woman with high Interest Level, she won't remain your friend for long. Now, let's suppose your girl has the same low Interest Level in you that you have in her. The good news is: you couldn't inadvertently hurt her feelings because the both of you would be on the same emotional page. Sounds great, right? Well, that depends on whether or not she's looking for a new friend.

If she is, things can work out fine, but if she isn't -- you could be opening yourself up to having your time wasted. So, to screen out any ladies who would take advantage of your offer of friendship, don't do any labor-intensive favors for them (like moving furniture for her or waxing her car), and make sure they always pay their own way.

shall we dance? Chuck, if you are only proposing friendship to this woman in a feeble attempt to spare her feelings, you should admit it to yourself right now. Why? Because a misleading song and dance about friendship over the phone hurts a woman more than if you had never called her again. Your girl would much prefer the truth to being misled (I wish women with low Interest Level would be this considerate with men they date!). So, what's it gonna be, Chuck? Do you really want a friend or are you just trying to unload her? Make up your mind, boy! The most humane way to say goodbye to a woman you're not interested in is to never ask for her home phone number to begin with. But if you have already gone out with her and have lost your Interest Level during the date, then the next best thing is to never call her again. Though women are rarely the ones getting dumped in the relationship, they can quickly pick up the nonverbal message that a silent telephone delivers (Men, unfortunately, usually aren't so perceptive!).

on your mark, get set... The sad fact about breakups is that somebody's feelings always get hurt. Why? Because in the race to the low Interest Level finish line, there are no ties for first place. The photo finish always reveals one runner winning by a nose. 90% of the time, it's the man who turns out to be the loser the moment his lady tells him: "I need my space." Chuck, you believe you owe her an explanation for not calling her anymore, but you've been out with her once -- and on a blind date to boot! Snap out of it. I'm sure she will find another blind date who is just as special to her as you are! Remember, guys: dating is a Battle of The Sexes. Though many of the female soldiers on the other side may resort to war crimes such as feigning friendship, I don't want you sinking to their level. Instead, I want you to follow the policies of The "System" . When you do, you will not only win the high ground, but also the war.

Don't Be A Surrogate Boyfriend

Hey Doc, I have had a platonic relationship with a girl for four years. We have done almost everything together, even vacations. Things have gone very well -- until about a month ago, shortly after she met her current boyfriend. When she first told me about the new man in her life, I told her that I was glad that she had finally found someone. But since then, every time I've tried to arrange get-togethers with her over the phone (like I've always done before) she has either given me the silent treatment or completely ignored my suggestions. When I persist, she often says, "I'll get back to you." The problem is: she never does! She says she wants us to stay friends, but that is very hard for me to do when she treats me like dirt. What's going on, Doc? Richard -- who wants to know what has changed

doc love's answer Hi Richard, Richard, though I usually deal with questions about romance, please allow me to shed light on your current relationship. Let's review. Your "friend" is...  Rude for giving you the silent treatment over the phone.  A liar for not keeping her word about getting back to you.  Inconsiderate for constantly keeping you in the dark. Even though you may be dying inside right now, I wouldn't view this girl's departure from your life as any big loss. Why? Because as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "You guys were never that tight to begin with!"

a friend in need... If she were truly your friend, the new boyfriend only would have affected the amount of time she spent with you, not her respect level. Because the change in her behavior was so abrupt, I can only conclude one thing: you had unknowingly become her Surrogate Boyfriend . Some women cannot stand to go it alone. They cannot stand to be seen in public without some guy walking next to them -- even for a day. If this type of woman has no boyfriend and she is a user, she will attempt to fill the empty space on her dance card by seeking out an undemanding social partner who knows his place. Enter The Surrogate Boyfriend (That's you, Richard). Why did this happen?

is no friend indeed The Surrogate Boyfriend is a guy who allows himself to be the puppet of the Lonely Female User. He has high Interest Level* [degree of love] in her, but instead of asking her out on a date, he elects to be her friend. Why? Either because he denies his interest or because he mistakenly believes that the friendship will later magically transform into a romance. The reality is quite different. As time passes, this poor schlep comes to resemble the woman's serf more than a friend. Like a fireman on a perpetual 48-hour shift, he is always on call for her; he's always available for the next appointment written on her social calendar. And because he is happy just to be in her presence, he never expects anything back (not that he would get it!). The shock comes months or years later when she no longer needs him, and she unceremoniously tosses him out of her life like a used Kleenex.

some of them like to use you Though Lonely Female Users operate on the sly, they still give out clues of their real identities. They never want to do what you want to do and they only call to change your plans or to ask you for yet another favor. Whereas a true female friend would be concerned about monopolizing your time, The Lonely Female User has no such qualms. Her lack of Interest Level and loyalty makes her indifferent to your needs of fairness, equity and consideration. Richard, you may think that I'm off base about your role in this relationship, but the huge amount of time you've spent with this girl tells a different story. The vacations you took with her alone go way beyond the call of (friendship's) duty. Plus -- you wouldn't have written to the world's greatest expert on romantic relationships if you weren't the teeniest bit interested in this girl. If you're fighting me on my analysis, give yourself this test: if she tried to kiss you, would you push her away? Of course you wouldn't.

some like to be abused Richard, you must realize that the new boyfriend is not the problem. You are. Why? Because deep down, you knew you didn't have a chance with this girl, but you spent your precious dating hours with her anyway. In the process, you made yourself unavailable to hundreds of other women. If you plan to devote so much time and attention to a woman, you might as well make her

your girlfriend. Think of it: you spent four long years with this girl and what do you have to show for it? At least an ex-boyfriend gets kissed. Richard, chalk this one up to experience and move on to someone who has some consideration for your time and feelings. If this ex-friend calls again, just tell her you've got a girlfriend now and you're busy. From now on, whenever you are interested in a woman, ask her out for a real date. Don't delude yourself by merely impersonating a boyfriend. Guys, whenever love is involved, you must be ever vigilant against subjectivity. Don't let your high Interest Level dupe you into entering unrewarding friendships. Instead, let The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] be the rational voice that guides you through the wilderness of relationships.

Always Be A Challenge With Women Hey Doc, I'm a freelance designer in my thirties who has been working for a company off and on for about six months. At this company, there is one girl in particular that I've grown very fond of. Lately, I've been a little flirtier with her and she has responded with smiles. I haven't officially asked her out, but she has asked me out to dinner after work twice. The first time, we went out with other coworkers; the second time was just the two of us. I didn't follow up these dinners with any offers of my own for a while. Then a couple of weeks later, I finally told her that I wanted to get together, again outside of work. She said yes, but unfortunately, she didn't seem overly enthused about the idea. I've talked with her since then, asking her about another freelancer that was working there -- a woman. I don't know why, but I acted like I was interested in her. In reality, I was just playing. She seems to be interested in me, but I can't be sure whether it's romantic or just friendly. I don't want to do anything stupid that would make it awkward for both of us to work together. So, tell me, Doc -- is there a chance of starting up a romantic relationship or have I already blown it? Bill -- who needs some coaching

doc love's answer

Hi Bill, For someone using The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] for the first time, you did a commendable job! You were a Challenge* [allowing the woman to chase you] to this lady by hanging back, plus, you were observant when you noticed her Buying Signals* [signs that she's interested]. Nice going! Most men don't understand that dating, at times, is a waiting game. Unlike those brainwashed souls, Bill, you understood this. That's why you didn't come on your colleague right out of the chute (your cautiousness may also help you some day in court -- if she is the vicious type who likes to slap male coworkers with bogus Sexual Harassment suits!). In this woman's mind, you were patient and had self-control. Only you and I know that you were scared! So what happened?

she did the dirty work When she asked you to join her and her coworkers for dinner, it was very encouraging... but when she asked you out a second time -- jackpot! The man is always expected to be the aggressor in romantic relationships, so when a woman braves the fear of rejection and asks him out twice , it's a huge deal! You must have raised her Interest Level* [degree of love] so high during the first dinner that you didn't have to do anything to get a second dinner. Very impressive! You had a roll going. If there ever was a chance of a third rendezvous, this was it. That's why I'm sorry to give you the bad news: If you have read her enthusiasm level correctly, Bill, she will never ask you out again.

big mistake buddy The fact that this girl didn't jump at the chance for a third date with you tells me that during the second date, you turned her off. Such a sudden, drastic change in her enthusiasm indicates that you must have altered your dating approach between dates. If this is true, then my question is: Why change your love strategy when things are going so well for you? In my 35 years of studying female romantic choices, I have never seen The "System" fail at taking a sane woman with high Interest Level and a good attitude to the heights of romantic ecstasy. If you had followed The "System" to the letter during your second date, Bill, then your coworker would be your love slave by now. Don't feel bad, Bill; though you momentarily veered off the righteous path, you did correct yourself and get back on track. Instead of chasing after your coworker in a vain attempt to compensate for your errors (like most guys would have done), you asked her about the other

freelancer in the office -- what a great move! It was 99% certain that this girl was through with you, yet you remembered the thing that got her attention in the first place: Challenge.

interesting challenge If there is the tiniest sliver of a chance that you have downplayed your coworker's enthusiasm for you (and therefore, her Interest Level), Challenge will be your salvation. It will raise Miss Right's Interest Level from 51% all the way to 99%. Challenge can even help you if she has a terminal case of low Interest Level (49% or lower); it prevents you from making a fool of yourself, and thus, allows you to save face. In short, whether your romance is thriving or on its deathbed, Challenge is always the best medicine. Bill, though you dropped the ball on the two-yard line, you will do much better in future dates. In time, you will master more and more of The "System" until one day, women will claw each other to death just to get next to you!

What To Do With A Case Of "Sneak Up Love" Hey Doc, I've been a friend of this girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now she's at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore. She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldn't she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it? Bart

doc love's answer Hi Bart, So, love snuck up from behind and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news -- as I have mentioned in other articles -- is that most women don't allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend.

The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that could make a romance happen: Challenge* [allowing the woman to chase you], also known as "Superwoman's Kryptonite."

silence is king Judging by the lack of Buying Signals* [signs that she's interested] mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesn't think of you as anything more than a "friend"; the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level* [degree of love] climb through the roof! Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserve your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesn't feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable, which can cause a friendship to die a slow death. Now how can you get her?

be the ultimate bachelor Here's our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Don't call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Don't initiate any e-mail; instead give her only brief answers to hers. Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers. Now, you may be asking me, wouldn't I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: certainly not. It shouldn't bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides -- you two are just friends, right? The great thing is, if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% -which means you have a chance with her.

it was all her idea By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say, "I'm tired of you chasing other women in front of me!" To which you will reply, "Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you

asking me out on a date?" She will then answer sheepishly, "Well, sort of." This is when you know she's seeing you in a whole new light; and that it's now time to go out on your first date! Isn't Challenge great? Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss Right, you have to let her think it's her idea; you must let her think she's in control (Only you and I know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out of the arrangement; go to clubs with her and show her off to other women. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say: "Whatever it takes!"

The Golden Rule: Get Her Home Number Hey Doc, A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to often. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea. Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone.

i asked, she wasn't sure I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, "Why me?" I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go, because she wasn't sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats. She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didn't think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and respected her wishes. She thanked profusely for being so understanding, and told me that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat. Though we didn't go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc?

Frederick -- who wants to know what his next move should be

doc love's answer Hi Frederick, If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, I'd say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy! You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting must cease and you have to ask for the order -- the woman's home phone number. Find out why you must get her home phone number.

home is where the heart is Notice that I advise you to ask for her home phone number -- not her work or cell number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level [degree of love]; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arm's length (not to mention that they are prone to problems, such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses). So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move should be, when in reality, you have not even made your first move. But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasn't your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause. Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to "go out sometime" as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesn't affect you. In fact, it doesn't. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; you're not trying to get the approval of every woman in town.

she played you buddy

Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girl's record isn't clean either. First, she threw you a curveball when she asked, "Why me?" It's hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. I'll bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect! Then she said to you, "I need to think it over very carefully." You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an "A" in Women's Stalling Techniques 101. "Needing to think" about going out on a date is Womanese for: "I've already forgotten about it!" Then she added, "Thank you for your understanding," which was Womanese for: "Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked." First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you -- then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of Women Don't Lie -- Men Don't Listen.

don't ever settle By settling for this girl's cell number instead of her home number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girl's hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting -- hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She worked you over good, boy!" It's truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick -- but that's why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you! Remember, guys -- in sales or in dealing with women, you've got to "Close, close, close."

Can High Interest Level Conquer Resentment? Hi Doc, I've taken all of your advice and used The "System" extensively. As a result, a girl I've been seeing has shown a high degree of interest in me. First: she calls me to go out. Second: she sends me e-mail telling me how special I am (she normally doesn't give out such nice compliments). Third: she's really comfortable and fun around me, and she always smiles. What's wrong, then? For starters, she waited until our fourth date to tell me that she has a twoyear-old son. Wow, was that a shock!

is independence bad? She's 22 now, but from an early age, she had to be very independent due to the fact that most of the men in her life (including the father of her son) have been losers. Perhaps this is why she mentioned to me that she doesn't see herself ever getting married. Now she may just be bringing this up in passing, but it's obviously on her mind nonetheless. I want to know how much one can expect from a woman who has become independent due to a jerk ex-boyfriend? Is a long-term relationship possible? I've never met a girl like her, and she's made it apparent to me that I'm pretty special to her. Should I wait and let her come to me? What is your experienced opinion? I'd appreciate your insight, Doc. Thanks so much for your time. Mario -- who wants to know if she's a good catch

doc love's answer Hi Mario, Let's look at the positives. The fact that she is comfortable and fun around you shows that she likes you (women with low Interest Level [degree of love] are always uncomfortable and never have fun). Your girl's smiles are also extremely encouraging. Why? Because the woman smiles in proportion to how much she likes you (just make sure that her smiles never turn into snarls!). Her complimentary e-mails are also good indicators of high Interest Level (Let's hope they keep coming!). Last, her independence caused her to ask you out (hooray for independent women! Imagine that -- I'm siding with the Feministas!). What if Miss Right has man-hatred? Don't be concerned about Miss Right waiting four dates before telling you about Junior. It merely connotes that she's a private person. During the first four dates, you two were just beginning to get to know each other, therefore, she was under no obligation to tell you about her family life. (If she hadn't told you about her small fry by the fourth date, you could be sure she was guilty of a grievous crime of omission.) She wanted to make sure she liked you. To me, it's a sign of a good mother.

paying for men's crimes We know that Miss Right has had high Interest Level in you for the four weeks that you've dated her. Our next step is to check her attitude. The sad fact is, she has had some bad experiences with a few key men in her life. What we want to know is if her resentment toward

the perpetrators of past crimes will be directed at you someday. If this girl has a truckload of man-hatred hidden away in her psyche, she will eventually dump it on your head, and you'll have to walk away from her forever. On the other hand, if her case of resentment is only superficial; and you play it cool and never crowd her, then she will soon realize that you are not like the male rats from her past -- and she will cling to you like a koala bear hugs its favorite tree. Yes, Mario, you should wait and let her come to you. In the meantime, continue asking for other home phone numbers until she tells you that you changed her view of men. You'll know this day has arrived when she tells you she loves you.

every gal wants a ring By the way, when she says that she doesn't want to get married, tell her you feel the same way -- then continue practicing The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love]. Pretty soon, she will start staring at engagement rings in the jewelry store window as you walk through the mall together. If she doesn't do this, then you can be sure that she's sworn off marriage. With the amount of time you've spent with this girl, Mario, she is really too new to rate; but she strikes me as a good girl who just had some bad breaks. Watch her like a hawk; notice how she handles pressure and stress, and observe how she negotiates with you during your first disagreement. If Miss Right continues to act in the same sweet manner that she has for the first four dates, then as my Uncle Jethro Love would say: "I reckon she's a keeper." Remember guys, after the first few months comes the really big job: keeping her mesmerized over the long haul.

Can She Love Without Touching You? Hi Doc, Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex disappeared a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the actual panic attacks (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if that's really the case. What do you think, Doc? Terry - who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood

doc love's answer Hey Ter, I bet you're hearing these lines: "Please, Terry, is that all you think of?" "We just did it four months ago!" "Have you been watching those movies again?" "Don't touch me!" Even a cold cat likes to be stroked -- so what's her excuse? No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you don't know what normal is. Don't you think that some wives out there still chase their hubbies around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? I'm telling you that such women do exist. On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. You're not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter. What if the affection disappears after the words, "I do?"

icy excuses Your wife blames her medication for her deep-freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before . Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesn't have to touch you. Yes Ter, she did place you in a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks aren't your wife's real problem -- attacks of low Interest Level [degree of love] are!

frigid feelings

To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, here's a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you:  Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason.  Complimented you on your looks.  Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home.  Gave you a massage. In other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasn't, you may have married a Professional Dater; a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level.

melting the frost Why are the above gestures so important? Because they are signs of affection -- the natural result of high Interest Level -- which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking. No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy) can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish. Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter -- can't you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, I'd say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution; which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy. Ter, you have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background say you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her; especially in front of your kids, if you have any. Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest Level don't nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a kiss.

Why Does She Always Bring Her Kid On The Date? Hi Doc, I am smitten with a beautiful redhead who has a three-year-old daughter. She told me from the beginning that she wasn't looking for anyone because she didn't want anyone telling her how to raise her little girl.

Apparently, she had a bad relationship with her daughter's father, which ended with her kicking him out of the house for becoming a drunk, right after her daughter was born. I know I should have listened to her, but I started spending a lot of time with her -- along with her daughter and mine, who were always with us. We were just like a family, except there was no intimacy.

a friend indeed One day, I finally asked her if we were just friends or if there was a chance that our relationship could develop into something more. She said there was a chance, but that she was not ready yet and would like us to be just friends right now. I know I should move on, but I'm crazy about her. My question is, should I believe that I have a chance with her and hold on, or should I just move on? Is there anything I can do to win her over or was the relationship dead when she said the word "friends?" Any advice will be most appreciated. Oscar -- who wants to know if he should wait for her

doc love's answer Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... When you -- or any guy -- ask, "Is there a chance?" something should tell you that you don't stand one. Why? Because as my cousin, Father Love would say, "If you have to ask, the answer is no." When a woman likes you, she lets you know it. Unfortunately, most men only look at their feelings and overrate hers. Your quips about being "smitten" and "crazy about her" demonstrate to me that your high Interest Level [degree of love] has smothered your objectivity.

she doesn't want you , buddy Besides having a low Interest Level problem -- she told you she wasn't looking for anyone, which in Womanese means: "I'm not looking for anyone fitting your description." This woman also seems to have an attitude problem. When she snarled, "No man is going to tell me how to raise my kid," she was directing her message at you. You had barely met her and already she was laying down the law (a woman usually waits a little longer to bare her teeth at a guy -- typically after he starts panting after her like a dog in heat!). Growling warnings at you doesn't sound loving to me; instead, it shows that she has a chip on her shoulder the size of Montana.

So what's wrong with this woman?

she's got issues Hey -- she may have had an ex who only braked for liquor stores, but that's no excuse for her to browbeat the rest of mankind. After all, she only has herself to blame for her previous poor choices in men. Touché! Of course there's never any intimacy to your outings, Oscar -- she always has her kid around! The truth is: she's using her as a shield against intimacy. I'm for family togetherness and I think it is good that all four of you get along, but you need to find out if the two of you get along. You would find this out if she ever gave you the opportunity; the fact that she hasn't after all this time should tell you something. She is obviously happy with the pattern she has with you. In her mind, the four of you can keep things just as they are forever at arm's length. You may feel comfortable with this arrangement, Oscar, but romantically, it's a big waste of time. Why? Because it will never raise her Interest Level. You will never move from "just friends" to loving soul mates because the Reality Factor states that it takes two with high Interest Level to tango. I'm afraid your girl has left you dancing by yourself, Oscar.

she's beating around the bush You should take her words about you having a chance with her about as seriously as the suggestion that Yassir Arafat might someday grace the cover of People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. When a woman says she's "not ready" for a romantic relationship, it means in Womanese that the earth would blow asunder before she would give you a real date. What are your actual chances? Well, they would be a lot better if you got her to leave her little darling at home -- fat chance! To know your chances for sure, tell her you want to leave the kids with a babysitter -- you'll find out soon enough where you stand! Of course, if she doesn't go along with this proposal, then it's adios, baby. Oscar, in spite of the way this girl knowingly gives you false hope I must give her credit for being somewhat up-front with you. Unfortunately, like most guys out there with extreme Interest Level, you didn't heed her admonition. That's okay -- now that you have The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love], you won't make this mistake again.

Remember, guys: you are looking for someone to love you, not waste your time -- so choose accordingly. Don't let dreams of an ideal family life with Miss Right make you overlook her flaws. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "What makes a woman good is her attitude."

Women Who Date For The Freebies Hi Doc, I have been dating this woman seriously for the past three months. Recently, she has gone through some stressful times. For example, she got into a fight with her mom, a friend informed her that he had cancer, and she has had difficulty with some of her college classes. Another male friend of hers invited her to go to Las Vegas for the weekend, but she declined because she didn't want him to get the "wrong idea." I thought that was a great sign that our relationship meant something to her.

i took his plan Her birthday is next week, so I invited her to go with me to Vegas over the weekend. She accepted my invitation at first, but then she said she didn't want to go because I told her I would be attending a convention for three hours on Saturday night. She said that though it would be a great time for her to catch up on her schoolwork, she didn't want to spend that much time alone. I told her that I have friends up there who would hang out with her during those three hours, but she still doesn't want to go. I've been trying to attribute her behavior to it being "that time of the month," but it's becoming more and more difficult to do so. Please help! Harold -- who wants to know how to cheer her up

doc love's answer Hi Harold, Let's get something straight: just because your girlfriend turned down another guy's advances, it doesn't mean she did so for you. She may have chosen not to elope to Sin City with him out of a sense of integrity or because she feels nothing for the both of you! To get a more accurate reading of your beloved's Interest Level [degree of love] in you, you will need to submit her to another set of trials. Speaking of trials, Harold -- though hard times may be influencing your girlfriend's moods,

they wouldn't have had any effect on her feelings towards you . In fact, nothing can raise or lower that score; not family arguments at home, not the health of her friends, not her Art History class, and -- contrary to what you and many other guys think -- not her raging female hormones. Nothing can cause a drop in a woman's Interest Level except for one thing: the man's actions.

the turn is off Harry, your girlfriend's quibbling over spending a measly three hours in a hotel room by herself showed that she wasn't turned off by the trip to the Nevada desert as much as she was turned off by you. You need to stop making excuses for her broken date (which is a mortal sin according to The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love]) and start asking yourself: "Could any of my past actions have turned her off?" The answer may surprise you. To start with, you committed a no-no when you tried to use this pleasure trip to kill two birds with one stone. If you are trying to be romantic with your Lady Love, you cannot cut a date in two, with a three-hour work break in between. Don't you know what women love?

women love attention If it's her birthday, you should give her 100% of your attention (on the other hand, if she were flexible and had high Interest Level, she probably would have overlooked your faux pas and allowed you to mix a little business with her pleasure -- more on your girlfriend's Interest Level later). Your choice of rendezvous destinations caused another problem. By choosing Lost Wages , you copied another guy's date idea -- which made you look like you put no effort into coming up with a surprise of your own, therein diluting the power of your gift. Couldn't you have thought of something original?

gifts make all the difference Gifts are a big deal to women. When men do something they hate in order to surprise a woman (like shopping), she gives him points for being romantic -- and romance is one third of the male magic formula that keeps a woman in love with a guy, even if he is an uncouth, lumbering Neanderthal! Most guys don't realize how important the right gift at the right time is -- until they get the wrong gift and Miss Right's Interest Level takes a dip. I'm sorry you had to discover this the

hard way, buddy. One other unfortunate aspect of your gift mimicry, Harold, is that you inadvertently played a losing game of one-upmanship . In your sweetie's mind, you were trying to match another man's moves, which gave you an air of jealousy and possessiveness. It's as if you were imitating a Macho Boy saying, "It's my job to take you to Vegas, not his!" She will deduct points from her Interest Level due to your apparent lack of confidence, selfcontrol, and originality.

you have to face the facts In spite of your missteps, Harold, I have to say that in the grand scheme of things, your mistakes were minor -- that's why I believe that your girl was looking for an excuse to break her date with you. If she really had high Interest Level, she would have given you smiles and hugs for the birthday present, not stalling tactics. For now, Harold, I think you should back off of your girlfriend for a while and avoid getting too caught up with her problems. Oh, you should definitely be supportive -- but don't try to impress her or try to get her out of her funk through distractions. Give her a simple gift, like a rose with a birthday card -- then step back. If her Interest Level in you is above 50%, then her emotional storm will blow over and she will thank you for being as stable as The Rock of Gibraltar. At that point, she will be ready to run away to The Bellagio or Luxor Hotel with you. But if her rain clouds don't clear up, then you should take a rain check on getting more involved with her. Guys -- if you plan to keep a woman over the long haul, then use adversity to learn how she will react when the going gets tough. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say: "You marry her Interest Level but you live with her attitude."

Can Men Avoid Game Players When Using Personal Ads? Dear Doc Love, I have a love challenge from Germany. I am a good-looking 29-year-old physician. I recently placed an ad, plus my photo, on a singles Web site, and a beautiful 26year-old teacher answered it. She sent me her picture, phone number and a second e-mail on her own initiative. We later exchanged more photos and talked for hours a couple of times over the telephone. She complimented my good looks, nice voice, etc., and told me she was dying to meet me.

The problem is that we live about 800 kilometers apart. Fortunately, I planned to be at a business conference near her hometown a week later. Together, we planned that I would visit her and we would spend the weekend together. We had not talked to each other for two weeks (I had been very busy), but I called her this morning to see if everything was set. In response, she asked me to call her back a half hour later because she was having breakfast! I know I should have asked her to call me back, but being a gentleman, I called her. Unfortunately, nobody answered. I left the following message on her answering machine: "Listen, I don't like playing games. Call me today so I can make plans for the upcoming weekend." Well, she did not call me, but about eight hours later, I received an e-mail telling me that she was having the most stressful period in her job right now, and that she was moving into and renovating a new apartment and could not make it for the weekend. She offered to invite me in a few weeks when everything was set in her life, and expressed her regrets if she were to lose me due to this incident. Strange creature, isn't she? How should I react, Doc? Heinz -- who wants to know if he should try again.

doc love's answer Hi Heinz,

Strange creature is an understatement! You asked her out well in advance of the date and she neglected to mention that she was changing homes that day. How convenient. 99% of the time, when someone moves, they think about the momentous day months before it arrives. Your girl apparently forgot all about it until the last minute. What a great opportunity to tell you a whopper!

love at first sight So she told you she was smitten after seeing a picture of you and hearing your voice a few times on the telephone -- Heinz, that's not the same thing as falling in love with you (it amazes me how guys fall for lines from people they haven't even met.). In order for true love to occur, you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test, which requires an assessment of your body language and physical appearance -- in other words, she has to meet you in person. Her willingness to verbalize high Interest Level [degree of love] with a virtual person should have given you a clue that something was rotten in the state of Germany. You didn't take into account, Heinz, that when it comes to the personals, there are two types

of women. One -- the woman who is sincerely looking for a relationship and will thus give you a fair shot. And two -- the game player, who leads poor schleps on via e-mail messages, telephone conversations and the Internet. The trick is to find the first type, while avoiding the second type at all costs. So how do you avoid those women who play useless games?

no date, no mate Heinz, you got a few photos and some expensive phone bills, but you never got a date . So which camp do you think that puts your girl in? As my cousin Rabbi Love would ask: "Is this such a tough question?" When a guy works the personals he must get to the Short Date (meeting briefly for coffee) ASAP. If, after exchanging photos and a phone call, she drags her feet about a face-to-face meeting, then you are talking to a woman who only loves male attention from afar. As The Reality Factor says -- when there is reluctance on a woman's part, there is low Interest Level. Simple, huh?

easy getaway The best part of your letter was your girl's breakfast stunt. "Call back in half an hour" is Womanese for, "Call back when I'm sure I will have left the house!" Or worse: "Call back when I'm sure my boyfriend and I will have left the house!" By falling for this ruse, you gave up self-control and proved that you weren't as much a gentleman as you were a weak man. The truth is, if she really had high Interest Level, she would have tossed her breakfast into the garbage disposal because love is more important to women than food! She really worked you over on this one, while simultaneously giving you the kiss of death. She didn't "regret losing you" -- in fact, she was planning on it! Apparently, someone else came into her life and since she had gotten tired of playing with you, it was time to move on. Heinz, you don't really think that this was the first time she has played this game, do you? If you do, I got some swampland on the Rhine to sell you!

goodbye stranger This girl has neither the Interest Level nor the consideration to make her worth pursuing. Consider yourself lucky to have found this out sooner rather than later. If this thought doesn't console you, then remember this, Heinz: you two didn't even meet, so there is no real reason to take her rejection personally. As far as you're concerned, she rejected a stranger.

Your experience proves my point, Heinz; spending hours conversing with a woman in cyberspace or incessantly shooting the bull with her over the phone is a waste of time. You may think something is going on, but in reality, it means absolutely nothing. Why? Because until you meet eyeball to eyeball, you are still strangers. Guys, when using the personals, follow The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] and don't let anyone waste your time. Remember that even with love, the clock is always ticking.

Is She Giving You The Run-Around? Doc, I met a girl on the bus who immediately showed great interest in me (she asked me a ton of questions and kept touching my arm). But the next day on the bus, she seemed to ignore me! I asked her out on a date, and she was very enthusiastic about the idea, almost jumping for joy. But when I asked her for her phone number, she told me that she usually didn't give it to strangers and that I should e-mail her instead. I thought this was a little strange, but I sent her an e-mail anyway -- and got no response.

tune off, tune on A couple of days later, I told her that I hadn't received her e-mail and she replied that she had been having problems with her computer and didn't have a chance to read it yet. I kept waiting in vain for her message until I finally decided to forget all about her. I saw her again on the bus and kind of ignored her. After a few minutes, she changed seats to sit next to me. She then asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with her and have a drink. I said yes, and while we were there, she was all over me, asking me when we were going on our date because she couldn't wait any more! At that moment, she offered me her phone number, asked for mine, and made me promise to call her. I asked her out and she accepted. Then the day before our date, she told me that a few of her friends she hardly ever sees asked her out on the same day and that I was invited to join them. I said no because she had a date with me that night and she had to make up her mind to either go out with her friends or me. She chose me and we went out. It was fun, but she wasn't as flirty as before. In fact, she seemed a little nervous.

more excuses

I later called her house for another date and her brother said she wasn't home. I left my phone number and asked him to have her call me back. She never called. She later told me that her brother told her "someone" had called, but not who. Of course, I didn't know if she was telling the truth. When I asked her out for another date she told me that she was very busy and stressed out about her final exams, and that she couldn't go out until they were over. After her exams, I saw her again. She told me that she finally had time for our date and was looking forward to it. I told her I would call the next day with the details, but she said I couldn't because she moved out of her parents' house and that she now temporarily lives with a girlfriend; therefore, she would call me. She then asked me for my phone number again because she left it at her parents' house.

she never called Well, surprise -- I never received a phone call. Apparently, she had gone on vacation and even though she is now back, I haven't received her call. It has been about three weeks since I've seen or heard from her. I don't have her new phone number so I can't call her myself. Is this girl still interested in me? If not, then why would she flirt with me and tell me she wants to go out? Why would she ask for my phone number again and tell me she would call me if she had no intentions of doing so? She could have easily said that she didn't have time or she just could have not mentioned it at all. Please tell me what you think of this. I would be very grateful! Trevor -- who wants to know if he's getting the run-around So what do you think Doc Love has to say about this woman?

doc love's answer Hi Trevor, Whew! This girl has more excuses than Johnnie Cochran has police conspiracy theories! Seriously, the number of times she lost your number was evidence enough that her Interest Level [degree of love] for you was lower than whale fertilizer. If she had the number of a guy she actually liked, she would have tattooed the digits on her stomach to prevent herself from losing it! And if attempting to break your date so she could see her friends was bad enough, asking you to tag along was, as my cousin Rabbi Love would say: "Pure Chutzpah!"

In this way, she could play with her buddies and make a fool of you at the same time (I have to give you kudos though for showing a backbone and getting the "N" word [no] out. Obviously, she acted nervous afterward -- she was pouting over the way you busted her on her brazen act of disrespect!).

she's a fake Even though your girl acted excited at times, it means nothing. She may be on drugs, or more likely: she's campaigning for an Academy Award in the "Faking High Interest Level" category. Contrary to the way you and many other men have been brainwashed, love is not complicated. When a woman likes you, she goes out with you -- period. There are no conditions, curve balls, no need for her to call back -- and most of all, there are no unpleasant surprises. Consistency is the MO of a woman with a good attitude and high Interest Level. Sadly, Trevor, the only thing your woman is consistent with is her excuses.

a waste of energy? So, why would a sane woman spend so much time and energy just to waste your time? Well, look at it this way: all women are born flirts; but while most of them only enjoy trying to get a reaction from guys they like, a small sociopathic minority enjoys male strokes so much that they flirt with all guys, even those that mean absolutely nothing to them. To them, toying with a man's affections is nothing but pure entertainment. The problem is, when guys take this game seriously, their hearts get beat up. Thankfully, The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] is there to help. It's a screening process that saves you time and protects your heart from game players. If you had followed it consistently, Trevor, you would have thrown this girl out of your life the first time she asked you to e-mail her. That's okay, at least you'll know for the next time. Guys, when a woman acts like she likes you half of the time and acts cold the other half ( before you are married!), it's a huge red flag. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say: "Next!"

Is It Okay If Your Girl Dances With Another Man? Dear Doc Love,

My girlfriend and I have been dating each other for a little over a year. We are very much in love and are committed to each other. Recently, she has become more interested in being "accepted" at school and attending social functions. Since I cannot usually attend these functions, I am left out of that small portion of her life. I have no problem with her being with her friends; however, she recently asked me something that has disturbed me deeply. She has a formal prom-like dance coming up in December and she wants to go to it "very badly" so she can be with her friends. I cannot attend; otherwise I would take her in an instant (and she knows it). She informed me (not asked -- informed) that she is going to go with a male friend of hers. I immediately objected.

one + one = trouble In my mind, attending a formal dance that has a romantic atmosphere and implies "couplish" connotations is a date. And moreover, for a girl with a boyfriend, it is an invitation for disaster. I told her that I don't care if she goes to the dance, just not with another guy. She insists that if she goes alone she will look foolish, and therefore she "must" go with someone. She told me that I need to trust her and that she loves me, and that if I did trust her, I wouldn't be so upset. She says I should know she has no feelings for anyone else other than me, and that she merely wants a companion for that evening. She claimed she understood my discomfort with the situation, but insisted that she will go in spite of her knowing how I feel. Am I wrong to be upset? I feel like this is a sign of disrespect to our relationship and to my feelings. I also think that it is wrong for my girlfriend to go on a date with another guy when we are supposedly committed to each other. Lastly, I think that by doing all this, she is also giving the wrong impression of us to her friends and family, and by doing so, undermining the strength of our relationship. Please Help ASAP. Milton -- who wants to know if he is being unreasonable

doc love's answer Hi Milton, So, she wants to be accepted at school... what grade is she in -- third? Kidding aside, the obvious question is: why is it so important for her to go to this dance? You should think like a cop on Law & Order and ask yourself: is it the ballroom decorations she's looking forward to

seeing or is it the company that will be there with her? (Answer: she's looking forward to seeing a guy and he's not you!). Of course a guy should always try to attend social events like the ones at your girlfriend's school for the sake of maintaining a loving relationship, but I doubt that romantic neglect is your problem, Milt. I believe the real problem is that your ladylove plans her social calendar around your schedule on purpose . No, you're not wrong to be upset. Let's move on to Exhibit A...

ooh, the nerve How dare your girlfriend try to put you on the defensive with her talk about "trust" when she's the one angling to be in the arms of another guy??? Under the guise of trust, she's the one being untrustworthy. You may think my hunch about her is far-fetched, but consider these two pieces of evidence: First -- she already had a date picked out when she told you about the dance. If her intentions were pure, she would have asked you to have one of your mutual friends chaperone her. In other words, she would have made the choice of dancing partners a joint decision. But she was way ahead of you in this game. The second clue can be found in the answer to this question: would a woman with high Interest Level [degree of love] really be able to enjoy herself at a romantic dance without the one she loves? Of course not, unless she's meeting him there!

it's not innocent If it turns out that your girl's prom date has been at all her other social functions as well, then we know that Mr. X is more than just a casual stand-in. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say: "When it comes to love, there are no accidents." In my opinion, the real shot fired across your bow came when your true love informed you, "I'm going anyway." Do you hear the ultimatum in that statement? So much for being loving and considerate. The Bottom Line Factor [the end result] says that a woman is declaring her free agency when she makes such a statement. She is telling you in Womanese, "We are no longer a team."

who does she really like? So, what should you do, Milt? Well, you might try calling her bluff by telling her you can now make it to the dance, so now she can unload Mr. X. But chances are, nine out of ten, that she will say, "Oh, it would be unfair to him to back out now." After all, why would she choose you over someone she really likes?

One thing you should not do, under any circumstances, is lose your cool and try to take out your girl's prom date with a deer rifle! The Bottom Line Factor says that a woman's lack of Interest Level and integrity are the real culprits in love rip-offs, not "the other guy."

she wants to play hardball? Instead of objecting further to your ladylove's act of war, let her bring up the subject of the dance again, and then respond with a big smile, "Have a nice time" -- and never again return her phone calls. Guys, when a woman starts playing hardball, you can be sure the relationship is over. When this happens, don't allow the woman to drop you slowly. Instead, end the relationship immediately without talking or explanation. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say about women who are about to break up with a guy: "Give them nothing."

Do Ernest and Julio Gallo Hold the Key to Women? Hey Doc, I met a girl on a blind date. She's 21 and I'm 29. We went to a bookstore and hung out at a bar. At first, she was shy, so I bought her a few drinks. After three wine coolers, she loosened up and made it clear she was attracted to me. On three different occasions during the date, I went to the bathroom only to see a different guy sitting in my place by the time I got back. Each time, the girl, the guy and I joked about it -- but inside, I was fuming. By the end of the night, things got pretty hot and heavy between the girl and me (although we only kissed), so I told her I would call her. When I did call her Sunday night, she said she was sick, so she would call me back later. I sent her an e-mail stating: "I hope you are feeling better." She replied with: "Thanks for your e-mail. I'm feeling much, much better. I'll be out until late tonight, but I'll try to give you a call later." I haven't heard from her since. Do you think I handled this girl right? In reality, I think she is too young for me, but I could always use the practice for the real thing. What do you think? Angelo -- who wants to know what happened

doc love's answer

Hi Angelo, To paraphrase an old adage: "Candy is dandy, but Night Train is quicker!" The problem comes when your girl tries to pick up the football team in the middle of your date! Sure, a woman's Interest Level [degree of love] appears to rise with each belt of Thunderbird you give her, but you cannot keep a woman tipsy all of the time! In a world filled with females who often give false signals of high Interest Level, you practically need a polygraph to know whether or not you've got the real thing on your hands. But to add alcohol to this equation is to make the truth damn near impossible to find out! That's why a man must discover what a woman's feelings are for him without the three shots of Red Mountain. Why was she giving up your seat to other guys?

compared to the chair Angelo, instead of trying to get this girl plastered, you should have asked yourself how three different guys managed to grab your chair when she was supposed to be guarding it for you? Was it too hard for her to utter the four little words: "This seat is taken"? Perhaps she was giving you a not-so-subtle hint that her feelings for you were lower than a wino's brain cell count. Maybe she was telling the rip-off artists, "Please sit here, I'm with a creep." And consider this other important tidbit: this girl said she would "try" to call you back. The Reality Factor says: "Women with low Interest Level make vague promises while women with high Interest Level make commitments." If she were truly interested in you, she would have given you a definite time and date. Decisiveness is what separates Real Women from the Strokers. Unfortunately, in your rush to get this girl to the bar counter, you missed this important point.

wrong intoxication Angelo, it's not youth that's keeping this girl from you, it's her low Interest Level. You would have seen this right away if you had chosen to intoxicate her with charm rather than with old grapes. For example, if you had gotten bored expressions during displays of your sparkling wit, you would have immediately known that your girl was unavailable for future dates. Conversely, any smiles and touches during your rendezvous would have shown you that she cared. From now on, Angelo, let your dates take a straight shot of your male strength qualities of

Self-Control, Confidence and Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], and if they don't respond, move on to those who will. Unless a woman likes you at least 51%, not even Ernest and Julio can help. Guys, women who like you don't need to get boiled in grape juice in order to show it. Remember that it is not only cheaper to minimize alcohol use during the date, but there are no love hangovers in the morning to worry about!

Dealing With Mixed Messages Hi Doc, I love your articles and writing style. I've been out on one date with this woman and I wanted to do things right, so I ordered The "System". The problem is that your stuff probably won't get to me for a few days (maybe a week?) and I think I need help immediately. Here are the facts: We met, I asked for her number, waited a week, and we made plans to meet downtown at an Orioles baseball game. Things went pretty well, except she was asking me a lot of questions and I couldn't seem to turn the tables on her. I felt like I was in the hot seat! I didn't' tell her anything revealing and I tried to keep it light. I think I did okay because at one point she complimented me on my shirt and told me I reminded her of someone famous, although she couldn't remember who (hopefully not Jack the Ripper).

diverse directions Anyhow, the only downside was that the date seemed to end quickly due to the fact that when we were leaving, we realized that we were parked in totally opposite directions. I did offer to walk her to her car, but she said it was late and politely declined. Does this mean anything? I definitely want to ask this woman out again and I have a couple of questions. Exactly how long should I wait to call her after the first date and is it too much pressure to suggest that the next date be a Saturday night dinner date? Also, should I leave her a message if I get her answering service and wait to see if she calls me back or should I try to get her in person? Isaiah -- who appreciates any help you can give

doc love's answer Hi Isaiah, First of all, congratulations for having the patience and discipline to wait a full seven days to call this girl. The average guy with a hot phone number is like an un-

housebroken puppy in a newly carpeted living room. It doesn't take long for him to lose control and when he does, he makes a big mess out of everything. Unlike those panting pups, you used the most powerful dating strategy available to mankind, if he has the guts to use it: Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. When you give a woman some time to wonder why you haven't called, she's even more interested in you when you finally do. Holding back makes you more intriguing, mysterious and way more desirable. What to do on that first date...

making waves I also commend you for working hard to keep the conversation focused on your date rather than yourself. Now here's a tip: When she's peppering you with questions and you find yourself getting uncomfortable, just ask her the same or a similar question to the one that she's just asked you. It's often easier than wracking your brain for new things to ask and it keeps you both on the same wavelength. Also remember that curiosity is often a sign of high interest, so I'm glad your date was asking you lots of questions. Compare her behavior to all the women you've met who hardly asked you one thing about yourself. They make you wonder: "Gee, is this girl totally lacking a personality or is it just me?"

be gentle, man Next, let me recommend that from now on, always pick your date up at her home. There are many reasons for doing this: 1) It's the chivalrous and gentlemanly thing to do; 2) You get to spend more time getting to know each other while driving together; 3) A woman who won't allow you to pick her up at her home is either uptight or has low Interest Level [degree of love]. What you still should have done was to simply start walking your date to her car without asking her if it was okay. That way you appear to be confident and classy, and you can't be faulted for being protective of her. If she insists on going it alone, then it's even more clear that she's not even close to starting to think of you as her hero. You have to ask yourself: would a woman who likes and respects me not want me to walk her to her car late at night, in a ballpark parking lot full of beer guzzling crazies? When she "politely declined" your offer Isaiah, that was a big red flag. Her excuse for not having you escort her was, "it's late." Wait a minute. It's late? All the more

reason for a lady to want a gentleman to escort her to her car. So obviously, you've gotten some mixed messages from this gal.

royal flush Your next step is to flush her out by getting her on the phone (do not leave any messages) and ask her out for a weeknight. Let her wonder whom you're saving your weekends for. That way you are seen as... you guessed it, a Challenge. And make sure to ask her for her home address so you can pick her up. If she balks, as they say in baseball, it's time for you to bunt and tear up her phone number. Many women would argue and say, "but she hardly knows him." To those women I say: Have you ever let a guy pick you up at your house on the first date? Their honest answer would be: "Well, only when my Interest Level in him was high." Remember guys, a woman with high Interest Level is consistently positive and never gives you mixed signals in the game of love.

Can You Turn Friendship Into Romance? Hi Doc, I've known a girl named Charlotte since the sixth grade. We've always been close friends, and always spoke to each other about everything. We both started our first year of University together two years ago, and at the time I didn't do so well and flunked out. We didn't have much contact last year while I was working and she was still in school, but this past summer things have changed. I called Charlotte up and asked her out to a movie, our usual routine. She said okay and came to pick me up (I don't have my license anymore, another long story but not really relevant). So after the movie, she invited me back to her place for coffee and we started talking to each other about our lives and what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. The next thing I knew we were kissing on her couch. It just felt natural, like it was something we were supposed to do.

friend with benefits We will see each other again this Christmas and I really want this to work out. I think she does too, but what I wanted to ask is: Am I setting myself up for a bad fall? Is it possible for longtime friends to have a romantic relationship with one another? I know we're only 20, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she has strong feelings for me too because she has told me she loves me, and I can't think of a time in my life when, on some level, I haven't loved her as well.

Butch - who would really appreciate your opinion on this matter

doc love's answer Hi Butch, Wow! What a great woman you have; not like most I talk about in my column. You flunked out of school and lost your license, and she still has feelings for you. Most girls would have dropped you for more petty transgressions, like not spending more money on them -- but she hung in there. This is truly a success story. Don't get me wrong guys, I always want you to put your best foot forward, but this shows you what a woman with high Interest Level [degree of love] will put up with. This one's a keeper...

man's best friend She is also loyal, and loyalty is the most important virtue your future wife can have. If you don't believe me, just imagine how devastating it would be to one day find your true love smooching with your best buddy. When a woman is loyal, she tends to be trustworthy, and all successful long-term relationships are also built on trust. Because you played it cool for 8 years Butch, you allowed Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] to work on her. That's why when you kissed her, you didn't hear: "Not so fast, Butch." The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says: "The woman lets the man know when it is time," and Charlotte let you know that it was time when she invited you back to her place for some necking. So in your unique case, yes, it is possible for long-term friends to have a romantic relationship.

shifting gears But guys, don't be deluded by this statistical fluke. Most of the time, once a girl has decided that you're her friend, getting her to switch tracks and start thinking of you romantically, is like trying to get Jesse Jackson to vote Republican. What you usually hear when you try to make the shift from buddy to boyfriend are those 5 words that strike terror in the hearts of good men: "Can't we just be friends?" To avoid this discouraging scenario, always let the woman you're interested in know up-front that you're there to date her, not befriend her. Butch, I think this girl is a good candidate for the long haul because she has high Interest Level in you and just as important, she respects you, despite your shortcomings. But before you two tie the knot, you should ask yourself: If I'm not capable of maintaining a valid

driver's license, would I be capable of maintaining a valid marriage license (a long-term committed relationship with a woman)? Do you see what I'm getting at, Butch? So you have some work to do on your life skills before you're ready for matrimony. But I'm very optimistic that one day you will find yourself driving your new bride off into the sunset to your honeymoon hideaway. Just be sure not to drive at 95 miles an hour -- unless your dad is Vice President. Always remember what the Mafia and Fido have in common; they know that loyalty is Numero Uno.

Is She A Material Girl? Dear Doc Love, I was hoping that you could interpret some of my girlfriend's actions (We're both about to turn 21). We've been seeing each other for almost 9 months now and things are going great. I would say her Interest Level towards me is hovering above 90 percent. Here's the story: She told me that she went out with a few of her friends last night and that she had gotten another piercing in her ear. Then she started talking about tattoos. What it came down to was that she had gone to a downtown tattoo parlor and got one etched on her back, and I'm pretty conservative about stuff like that. Anyway, it's fairly tasteful and I guess I don't really have a big problem with it. She was really worried that I would be angry because she knows how I feel about tattoos. I wasn't angry, so it wasn't a big deal, but I think she might be disappointed in herself. Also, while they were shopping she apparently saw this beautiful ring in a jewelry store that she just loves. She's not very big on jewelry so this surprised me. She seemed to make it clear that she wants the ring even though she said, "I don't really want it, I just thought it was beautiful."

my car is inadequate Then, as we were driving back to my office, we passed a really cool looking jeep and I commented on it. Then she came right out and said, "If you had a jeep like that, I would get so turned on every time I saw you in it, I wouldn't be able to control myself." What the hell? Okay, she's told me she likes jeeps, but what was that all about? All that did was make me feel like my Mercury Sable makes me inadequate. Do you think if I bought a jeep her Interest Level would hit 100 percent or do you think she was trying to tell me something else? Why did she go out and get a tattoo? She's never wanted

one before. Why is she talking about buying rings, but claiming she doesn't want to get "too serious" because we're so young? Damned Womanese. Keith -- who is dazed and confused on a Friday afternoon.

doc love's answer Hi Keith, Dude, you are definitely confused in more ways than one. You think that a girl can behave like this and still have 90% Interest Level [degree of love] in you! She's got you more mixed up than a fruit smoothie. Unfortunately, you are doing what too many other men also do. You're overrating the woman's Interest Level towards yourself and projecting your own high Interest Level onto her. Just because you like her a lot and she let's you refer to her as "girlfriend," that doesn't mean that she's gone over you. It is an unfortunate fact of life that many women will spend a lot a time with a guy without having any true romantic interest in him (40-49%). So how do we know that she doesn't truly care for you? The Bottom Line Factor says that her behavior is confusing and inconsistent; telltale signs of low Interest Level. Women with high Interest Level don't keep doing things that baffle you. In fact, women who like you help you. She wants a tattoo and a sugar daddy...

no body art approval Let's talk about the tattoo. You say it wasn't a big deal. But Keith, it was a big deal. She was worried that you would be angry about it, but not worried enough to not get it! A girl with high Interest Level and a good attitude that knows you don't like tattoos would either never have gotten it, or at least would have somehow included you in her decision to get it. Furthermore, she would have found a way for both of you to feel okay about it (like getting a temporary tattoo rather than the real deal). If we translate your girlfriend's Womanese into English, what she was really saying was: "I'm doing this cuz I want to, and screw you." She needs to rebel, so she's turned you into an authority figure that she can rebel against, and she proved that she has no respect for you when she sacrificed her tender flesh to the burly biker Tattoo Master. Now she has a permanent symbol of her disrespect for you emblazoned on her body -- forever.

materialistic mama

Next she plays with your head about the ring and then she puts down your car. Why are you with her? Together your ages are forty, but while you act twenty-five, she acts like she's fifteen. You sound like an opened-minded guy, but she should be dating someone in a band, not you. You two are like oil and water. Keith, you are in denial, and I am not talking about the river in Egypt. Wake up and look at the huge red warning flags waving in front of your face. If you want to have a successful, mutually rewarding, long-term relationship with a woman, she must have a good attitude, while this dudette gets an F on her attitude report card. She's a walking contradiction. She wants to hang out with the punky tattoo piercing freaks and also have you drive her around in a $40,000 jeep, plus buy her expensive jewelry. Assuming she means what she says, it sounds as if she sees you more as a bank than as a boyfriend.

i'm just being honest Keith, I know I may sound a bit harsh but it's my job to keep you from becoming a divorce statistic. In the future, when she asks you how you feel about some other stupid thing, just say: "If it makes you happy, honey, I'm happy." Meanwhile you should be thinking about dating other women. Listen, guys, I would never tell you to get rid of someone because that's only your choice, but I will tell you what your odds of having a good relationship are with a particular woman. Remember, you have to be with a gal with a good attitude and high Interest Level. If either one of those is missing, the Love Boat ain't gonna float.

Can Love Exist Without Trust? Hi Doc, I'm a little confused about what to do. My ex-girlfriend is trying to come back into my life. We had been dating for almost two years. We never fought and always got along; we were totally in love. She's a beautiful girl and I have never had problems meeting women. We both worked at Hooters where she always had guys pursuing her. I, on the other hand, had dated most of the girls that worked there. So we were both, I guess, somewhat confident and always a challenge to each other. I just knew from the day I met her that she was the one I would marry. Well Doc, the problem is, about ten months ago, she left me for a Med student who will soon become a doctor. He has money and bought her everything she wanted, so she didn't have to work anymore. They were moving overseas so he could finish his schooling, and she was

going to marry him and live on a tropical island. I couldn't believe it when she left, but I told her I was happy for her. What else could I do but move on with my life?

back to basics Before long I was dating new girls and having a blast being single. Then my ex called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she thought the money would make her happy, but that she's miserable with her new guy. They do nothing but fight. He's not a Challenge. He's jealous and possessive and she realizes he's tried to buy her love and that she doesn't respect him. Now she says that she really only wants me and would give up everything and move back if I would please give her a second chance. Tex -- who wants to know what he should do.

doc love's answer Hi Tex, You showed a lot of class when you wished her the best after she stabbed you in the heart and broke off the handle. You could have done what most guys do and either acted like a whining wimp and begged her to stay or screamed and yelled like a Macho Boy and called her abusive names. But you took the higher ground, the road less traveled. So you get an 'A' in self-control and now she's getting her just desserts. To get clear about what to do next, Tex, let's take an objective look at what was really going on with the two of you. The truth is that you may have had her body, but you didn't have her heart, because when Mister Med School flashed the cash, she jumped ship. If you take her back, she'll feel better and you'll feel worse...

she hunts for cash So now you know that as far as her relationship with you was concerned, she really didn't give a hoot. Yes, she was interested in you, but her interest in Fort Knox was higher. What a phony. By the way she acted, you couldn't help but believe that she was in love with you, and then out of nowhere, she takes off to marry someone else! Trusting her to do the right thing is like trusting a kleptomaniac to count up the church donations. Think about it. And now that she realizes that she made a big mistake, she expects you to roll over and take her back like it's no big deal? Yikes! She's got cojones the size of papayas. Tex, if you were to take her back, you'd start feeling like a real chump and she'd lose all the respect she had left

for you. She might not be completely aware of it, but deep down, she'd be thinking of you as a pliable, spineless wuss .

don't let her in Also realize that if you were to let her back into your life, you'd never be able to relax knowing that if another guy with lots of money came along, you could easily get burned again. So as far as you're concerned, she's permanently branded with a big M, for Mercenary, and you're not hiring. Sometimes it's difficult to really understand your own situation when you're in the middle of it. For some perspective, Tex, imagine that Meg Ryan was to become disenchanted with her new beau, Russell Crowe, and then expected Dennis Quaid to take her back. If Dennis were to cave in and tell her that "all is forgiven," he'd look like a real loser with no self-respect, don't you think?

don't feel bad Tex, taking her back is a no-win situation for you. She'd feel better and you'd feel worse. So forgive her, but you must tell her to take a hike and go fly a kite. Why? Because she broke the bond of trust, which is one third of Integrity. The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says that when someone is trustworthy, his or her behavior is predictable, and this girl threw you for a loop. So remember guys, once a woman strays, you cannot afford to have her in your life because trust is non-negotiable and she knows you are weak because you let her get away with it. Once respect is gone, there can be no Interest Level [degree of love].

Never Say "I Love You" First Hi Doc, My name is Brett, and I met this wonderful girl almost two months ago. When we first met, we clicked right away. It was love at first sight for both of us. Two weeks went by, and we were spending a lot of time together -- about three or four nights a week. I even met her family early on in the relationship, and they love me. I feel closer to this girl than any other girl I have ever been with. But then, right after our one-month anniversary, she said that she wanted to "slow things down," but still date me exclusively. We went on our first date the other day doing this new "slowed-down" thing she wanted; it went great and we had a lot of fun. During the date, I told her that I loved her.

Since I didn't get the token "I love you" back, I am not sure if I should wait for us to get serious to say it again. She said that she wants to date for a while because she thinks that we got serious too early. I really don't know what I should do. Should I wait or keep my options open? I really love her, but I don't want to wait if she's just going to leave me eventually. Brett - who is not sure about what he should do next

doc love's answer Hi Brett, You don't know what you should do, huh? Well, the first thing you should do is see a tailor so you can keep your lips zipped. It sounds to me as if you blurted out the "I love you" by about the middle of your second date. Always let the woman bring up the "L" word first, and don't echo it back until you've had some extended time in with her. The System says that you can never come on too slow with a girl, only too fast.

whoa nelly! During the first sixty days of dating, she doesn't lose points by saying "I love you," but you do! Yes, that's right. It's politically incorrect and it's called a double standard. So Brett, when you feel the urge to say it again -- don't. And when she says it, you should answer humorously with a De Niro impression: "What, you talkin' to me?" If this seems harsh, remember that this girl is telling you she wants to slow things down after a great start. So much for language and logic. Brett, I want to tell you something important that you won't hear from the other relationship experts: In the early stages of courtship, in order to feel romantically stimulated, men and women have differing needs. Men primarily need to have the experience of being accepted by a woman, while women primarily need to have the experience of having to wonder if the guy whom they are interested in, really likes them or not, and to what degree. Sounds pretty wild, huh? But it's true. How do you make her wonder if you like her, and make her crazy about you in the process?

building a mystery So how do you plan to create that sense of mystery that she requires in order to fall for you, if you tell her how much you love her right away? You can't. So don't tell her you love her too soon and she'll love you more and sooner than you think. And by the way, don't attempt to verify this fact with women because, more often than not, they will deny it and will only confuse you even more.

Brett, you've got to understand that a sure-fire way to sabotage a potentially great relationship is to come on heavy verbally. Don't reveal too much about yourself too soon, and don't let her know that your Interest Level [degree of love] in her is higher than Bill Gates' net worth. When you do that, you're being the opposite of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. And women, above all, want a guy who is a mystery, even though they will never admit it.

light and fluffy For the first sixty days, self-disclosure about your feelings toward the girl whom you're dating should be strictly rationed. Besides, it takes at least two months to begin to know someone well enough to have any real sense as to whether they are lifetime partner material, or just someone to party with. Before those critical sixty days have passed, keep it light and keep her laughing. As one of our great modern philosophers, Cindy Lauper once said, "Girls just want to have fun," and there's more practical wisdom in that than you know. You've got to save the whole, "Wow, you really are my soul mate," conversation for way down the line, and let her be the one to bring it up because it is always better for both of you if she thinks that it is her idea to begin with.

comfort zone Brett, your problem is that you allowed yourself to get too comfortable way too soon. And worse, you let her know that you were overjoyed to be with her. But, if her Interest Level is still above 50%, we can save this relationship by backing off slightly. So no more "I love yous" for a while; cut down your dates with her to once a week; and don't talk to her on the phone unless you're making a date. Start thinking like a guy, not a gal, and stop worrying about where the relationship is going. Instead, relax and allow Challenge to work its magic. Your job is to always keep it light and fun, and lay off the heavy subjects. Listen, Brett, two things happen in a relationship; you either break up, or worse, you get married. The System says that all breakups are never mutual. One person always dumps the other, and 90% of the time the woman dumps the man or drives him nuts until he dumps her (she gets him to do her dirty work). Then we hear the excuse, "It didn't work out," which, in Womanese, means: "He turned me off, lowered my Interest Level, and then I dropped him like the bad habit that he was." Remember guys, until she will rob banks for you, do not come on strong. If you cannot learn to control your mouth, forget women and join a monastery.

Should The Woman Come On Strong?

Say Doc Love, Okay, here is my problem. I'm a freshman in college, and I recently met this girl whom I was immediately crazy about. There was just something about her that was different from other girls I'd met and dated before. So we talked, got to know each other -- the usual -- and then started the whole dating type of relationship. My roommate was out of town for the weekend, so one of those nights after we'd done the dinner and movie thing, she spent the night on the couch. We'd only been together for about a week at this point, so nothing big happened, but it went really well in every other way. It was pretty clear we were both into each other a lot.

cat's out of the bag At one point during breakfast, she said she wanted to tell me something, and it turned out to be that back home (San Diego for her), she had dated this guy for about 2 years, then broke up with him the summer before she came to college. Then, right before she moved, they apparently got back together somewhat. She assured me that she told him that she wanted to see other people, and that I shouldn't worry because she wanted to only see me now. Then, the next day, her dad came to visit her, so I didn't talk to her until that night. When I did, she seemed very distant and depressed, which she attributed to being homesick after her dad left. So we hung out a little while, and then, I made a crucial mistake. I figured that since it was pretty obvious we both liked each other a lot, I'd try to cheer her up by telling her my feelings. Big mistake. I told her how I felt about her, how I hadn't really felt this way about anyone before, how she meant a lot to me, etc. She said that she didn't really know what she felt at the time, and not to expect her to be sure at that exact moment. So, I said I understood, and that I wasn't trying to push her.

striking distance The rest of that night, she continued to be fairly distant. But then, the "distance" grew each day, and after a couple days, I went to talk to her, and told her that I had gotten overly emotional and that even though I meant all that I had said, I'd said it too soon. So I apologized for that. I told her I didn't want it to make things weird, which I could sense it had. So I asked if we could just put that behind us and start over. She said, "I don't really know what to say to that, so I'm not going to say anything." Ever since then, I've only talked to her once, and she's been acting very distant. I really like her, and feel totally different about her than I have about anyone else. I don't want things to be completely ruined because of my one mistake. Is there some way I can communicate this to her, or is there anything at all I can do to patch things up? Dershawn - who really needs to be helped out

doc love's answer

Hi Dershawn, Dershawn, my man, I feel for you. It's tough when you really connect with someone and then they suddenly emotionally withdraw. Most of us men have had similar experiences, but it's obvious that this gal was a lot more hung up on her ex than she revealed to you. Was she really homesick?

power of challenge I don't think she gave you the straight story about why and how they "sort of" broke up. Still, it doesn't matter what the story was. The Bottom Line Factor [to look at how she treats you, not what she says] says that she was pretty much emotionally unavailable to begin with. Although, if her Interest Level [degree of love] in you had been above 50% and you had been a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], you still might have been able to wean her off her old boyfriend and own her heart, in time. Challenge is so powerful, it wipes out your competition -- even ex-boyfriends who are barley hanging on -- but only if the woman has at least 51% Interest Level going in. We don't really know where her Interest Level in you started, but we do know that now it's lower than the Titanic. So the bad news is that you made too many fundamental blunders and that you can't undo what's done, division of "You can't go back." The good news is that this is a tremendous opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes. So with a spirit of optimism, let's take a look at how you blew it, knowing that if you follow The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] from now on, you'll never have to experience this kind of pain again.

look like a swinger First of all, you were talking to her and seeing her too often, hence, she saw you as too available (a non-Challenge). She may be the only girl you've dated in five years, but you still want her to wonder how many other girls you're going out with. Remember, kitty kats kompeat. You also mentioned that she became homesick after her dad left. This was a big red flag. I know she was really missing her ex, not her dad. That's when you should have disappeared, rather than trying to console her by bleeding your guts out and telling her you were gaga over her. When she said, "I don't know what to say," she was saying in Womanese, "My Interest level in you is half as much as yours is in me." Yours was 80% while hers was 40%.

no upper hand

At this point Dershawn, if you do any more apologizing, you're just going to get more of the same from her, and you'll just feel worse. So as they say in the Hollywood casting agent's office: "Next!" Guys, in a situation like this, cleanup is just not possible. And why not? Because women are like elephants; they never forget. Once a woman's Interest Level goes below 50%, she may stay, but her heart is gone forever. So remember, always allow the woman to come on strong first.

Is She Interested Right Away? Hi Doc, I went out with a few friends from college and hit it off very well with this gal who was part of the group. We were having fun laughing the whole evening. We had tons in common. She was also quite tactile and touchy, but I didn't touch her. More than a week later, I asked her friend for her number and her friend told me she'd match us up. Well, the gal called me within a day. We had a good chat and she gave me her home phone number. I asked her out on a date for a week or so later, on a weeknight. This date included the same friends we went out with the first time, so it was the four of us. We had a good time, although I'll say the first time was much better, but still we had fun and I noticed that once again she "unintentionally" touched me here and there. She sort of made a point to ask me if I wanted some school papers, something relevant to what I'm doing in one of my classes, but it looked like it was a way for her to further the contact between us. We didn't kiss at the end of the date at all; she just thanked me and left, but mentioned we should keep in contact. So Doc, do you think she wants to be in contact as a friend or that she's interested in more than just friendship? Parker -- who wants to know what his next move should be

doc love's answer Hi Parker, You did the right thing when you let her do all the touching. When most guys meet a woman they're interested in, they're immediately all over her like cheese on pizza, mistakenly thinking that they will raise the woman's Interest Level [degree of love] by being Mr. Touchy Feely. Actually, the opposite is true.

When you hold back and refrain from touching her at all, you are seen as more alluring and more of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. If you keep putting your hands on her, you inhibit her desire to touch you. When you don't touch her, she gives you points for being distinctly different from the rest of her salivating suitors who invade her space. Let's not get all touchy here, okay?

she's miss touchy feely But let's back up a little bit. The fundamentally positive point here Parker, is that this gal was touching you. You could have had the cooties, but she didn't care! Listen guys; when you first meet a woman and begin to spend a little time with her, one of the most important signs of her high Interest Level that you must look for is some form of touching on her part. It might just be a tap on the shoulder or a bump of the elbow, but any small amount of touching is often a big deal. Most of the time, women who are not interested in you will not touch you at all, while women who are interested in you will touch you, at least in some way. Let me break it down further. The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says that there are basically three types of Touchers: 1) Women who touch everyone: Universal Touchers (10%) 2) Women who touch and mislead because that's all you are going to get: Strokers (10%) 3) Women who touch because they have high Interest Level (80%).

laughter, the best medicine Also Parker, it's good that you two laughed a lot on your first date. That means you stayed off the heavy subjects. The average guy wants to reveal the entire story of his frustrated life before his date has finished her appetizer. He acts as if he's having a session with a $150 an hour therapist where he'd better spill his guts out as fast as he can to be sure he gets his money's worth. Unwittingly, he is lowering his date's Interest Level by destroying any sense of mystery, which is extremely crucial in the first 60 days of the relationship.

errors in judgment Now let me tell you Parker, you did make two crucial mistakes. First of all, you should have asked her for her home phone number when you first met her, so you could have judged her Interest Level. The idea is to watch and see if she hees and haws or not when you ask for it. So you missed a valuable opportunity because you didn't take control from the get-go. It amazes me how many men have about as much confidence as a wounded snail when it comes to being direct and simply saying: "What's your home number?" When you say those

five magic words to her, you not only receive immediate valuable feedback, but it's also the stronger, more masculine thing to do. Instead, Parker, you took a weaker approach and went through her girlfriend. Fortunately, in this rare instance, your girlfriend's friend actually helped you. But more often than not, friends are undependable, or misconstrue what's really going on.

the other big no no? Your other mistake was going out with her friends again. It's tough enough to rate Interest Level in the beginning stages when you are alone with a girl, but with a crowd, it's darn near impossible. She could have been putting on a show for them or she might have been inhibited by them and would have been even more demonstrative if you were alone together. We don't know, but we should. The good part is that she continued touching you. This girl is too new to rate but it appears that if you call and get a third rendezvous, you'll be in the running. But this time, make it a one-on-one date; no more double dating for now. Just make sure that by the end of the next date, you kiss her or at least try to. If she responds affectionately, you'll know that her Interest Level in you is on the high side rather than the low side. If she turns her head and gives you "the cheek," then you should write her off and move on, my brother. Remember guys, first and foremost, be bold and direct. Ask for the home phone number with no apologies, which shows her you have confidence.

Could George Costanza Succeed With Women? Dear Doc Love, I'm interested in purchasing your "System", but I would like to know if it works for everyone. I've noticed that most women will not go out with a man if he isn't taller than she is, and I'm only 5'6" tall. Also, I'm balding and I know that a lot of women prefer men with a full head of hair. So I'd like to know if your "System" would still work for a guy like me because I've had a lot of trouble with dating in the past. Thank you. Dallas -- who wants to know if he has a chance

doc love's answer Hi Dallas, When the average female is questioned as to what she primarily looks for when choosing a

potential partner, the first thing out of her mouth is usually, "A great sense of humor." Dallas, I think you know all too well that that's not a complete answer. Laughter is near the top of the list, but most women place a greater importance on physical appearance than they care to admit. If you want to enlist in the Army, you have to pass the Physical. If you want to get a date with a woman, you also have to pass the Physical; the Physical Attraction Test. The woman gives this test. It takes place in a split second and the more attractive she is, the fewer the number of guys who pass the test. Most women will screen a guy in or out instantaneously at first sight, before he even opens his mouth.

even the ugly ones get dates Adding to this challenge is the fact that women in general are a lot choosier than men are. Why? Because men aren't so picky, so women can afford to be. Any woman will always have a greater number of potential partners interested in dating her than she herself will be interested in dating. The greater her beauty, the greater the number of suitors she will encounter, but even a woman of diminished beauty will have considerably more dating options than a male who is equally compromised in the looks department. So even a woman who looks like Janet Reno gets to pick and choose, albeit from a less desirable pool of men. When you have the luxury of choosing, you choose what you prefer, and any gal who tells you that she doesn't have a particular physical type of man whom she prefers, is about as honest as a snake oil salesperson. All you have to do is compare photos of her last five boyfriends and you're guaranteed to find some interesting similarities. Herein lies the problem in dating. For example, some women do not like blonde guys. No matter how handsome "Blondie" is to various women on the street, this particular woman does not like blonde guys. So "Blondie" asks her for her phone number and she says: "Give me your business card," which is Womanese for, "You don't turn me on and I hope I never see you again." So do you have a chance?

reach for the sky Regardless of the physical type a particular woman usually goes for, it's the tall, handsome, hunky guys who get picked most often. And note that the first word in the classic, women's holy trinity, "tall dark and handsome," is "tall." Guys, if you happen to be tall, you have an advantage over men of average or less than average height. That's just the way it is. And finding a woman who prefers a man who is shorter than she is, is about as easy as finding an uneaten donut in the dressing room at a full-figured fashion show. Whereas a woman can be 4'11" and still have lots of guys after her. Now any guy who's that short had better go looking for dates at a midget's convention.

The baldness issue is less problematic. These days you can have a shaved head and be thought of as sexy. Half the groups on MTV have at least one baldy in the band. And there are plenty of women who either don't care about a guy's lack of hair, or are actually turned on by a chrome dome. Remember that baldness is considered to be a masculine trait. So in one sense, a man is more masculine if he's bald, whereas a bald woman would be considered less feminine. Dallas, because you are of less than average height, your pool of available women is smaller and your odds are less, but by no means are you out of the race. To begin to attract the kind of woman you desire, first ask yourself: "How am I going to play the cards I've been dealt?" Am I fun to be with? Is my apartment clean and well decorated? Can a pussycat drink out of my toilet? Does my car look like wharf rats live inside it? Do I know the crucial dos and don'ts to follow on a first date? The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] will teach you.

it's what's inside that counts Remember that a great personality and high self-esteem will take you far. One day a guy called me and said he would like to have a private seminar, just for himself and his buddy. I met them at the local coffee shop and we talked for two hours. The man who called was a salesman; tall and looked like Brad Pitt. His friend was a carpenter, short and losing his mop. They had been best buddies since 5th grade. As I talked with these two, something strange occurred. The short guy became tall and better-looking and the pretty boy became averagelooking. Why? Because what Moms say is true: "It's what's on the inside that counts." But God, in his wisdom, made some women look like Caprice, the supermodel, and others look like Rosie O'Donnell. He made Mel Gibson and the other made Danny DeVito. You, as a man, should ask yourself: Does Danny have confidence? Is he a strong person, attitude wise? Is he personable and likable? Dallas, more women are going to find Antonio Banderas better looking than you. But there are plenty of gorgeous women out there who will find you attractive. Remember, you need only one good woman who has high Interest Level [degree of love] in you. You don't need fifty. The important questions are: When you meet Miss Right, are you going to have the guts to close and say: "I would be honored to have your home phone number." And once you start dating her, how will you win her heart? And once you do, how will you keep her? Using the "System" will spare you from years of costly trial and error that no man can afford. Remember, guys, if you don't have Pierce Brosnan's looks, you better have a System.

Can A Guy Steal Another Guy's Girlfriend? Hi Doc, I need your advice on a girl I'm interested in. She's in my Latin dance class. I have known this girl for about 3 weeks now. I thought she was cute the first time I saw her, but she seemed sort of shy. So I figured that I'd just talk to her a little and see if she was personable enough to even consider pursuing romantically. Well, the first time I talked to her I found out she had a boyfriend. She didn't mention him to scare me away, the topic just came up. At that point, I decided not to pursue her at all. But then every time I saw her, she would flirt with me. She even pinched me on the rear end once. So, I figured maybe I had a chance. This girl was really starting to grow on me, even though I had already told myself to forget about it. Anyway, I ended up getting her phone number. I called her up one night and we talked for about 20 minutes. I asked her if I could come over and see her. She said she was busy working on her taxes and that her boyfriend had just borrowed her car to go see a movie. He was due back in an hour, so she didn't think coming over would be okay. At our next dance class, she was giving me a major attitude. She just seemed much less interested in me. So I used a strategy that I thought would turn her attitude around; I started to really ignore her. Now her attitude is gone. My question to you is this: what should I do now? Should I ask this girl for a "date" or should I just try to be friends with her? You might be wondering why I think this girl is even worth the time of day. Well, mainly it's because she seems nervous around me. It's like she doesn't know what to say. I take this as a positive sign. So Doc, what do you think? Emmett -- who seeks your expert advice

doc love's answer Hi Emmett, I understand why you're confused by this girl's behavior. She tells you up front that she has a boyfriend and simultaneously flirts with you. And women say that men are inconsistent! A girl like that is so skilled at putting out mixed messages, she could make a lie detector blow a fuse. Having a boyfriend doesn't stop a lot of women from flirting like a lap dancer who still hasn't made her rent for the month. Guys, have you ever had a girl at a party do everything but lick your face on the dance floor, only to have her reveal that she has a boyfriend when you ask

for her phone number? Ah, life would be so simple if women never gave men ambiguous signals. Yet, perhaps, not as interesting. So what should you do?

monkeying around Anyway, don't worry Emmett, I will help you to find out what your dancing darling's true intentions are. First, be aware, that the fact that she has a boyfriend didn't "just come up" accidentally in your initial conversation with her. Any time a girl brings up her boyfriend, it's on purpose. Sometimes to let you know that she's popular, or more often to say, "Don't make any moves, buddy." The question we need to answer is: If she's happy with her boyfriend, why is she behaving in a way which could be interpreted that she's romantically interested in you? (To you Psych majors: if she's already in love, why is she honking your horn and giving you her home phone number?) Is she just mischievously enjoying making you think that there's hope for you, or is she trolling for a backup guy to move in once she dumps her current beau? (Perhaps someone who has it together enough to have his own car?) Remember that many women are like a chimp in a tree; they won't let go of one branch until they've gotten hold of another one.

she's got jitters What tells us that she's possibly ready for a different man in her life, is the fact that she's nervous around you. They're never nervous when they have low Interest Level [degree of love]. So allow let me tell you how it might be: She's with her old boyfriend out of habit. Her Interest Level in him has sunk to somewhere between 40 and 49%, but no one interesting enough has come along to warrant her going through the hassle of getting rid of him. You are a potential candidate, but she needs to check you out further. (And you need to be more of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] to raise her Interest Level in you.) To determine if this really is the case, I recommend that you do more of the kinds of things you did when you turned her attitude around. Keep ignoring her. Talk to all the other female dance students and get them laughing in front of her. Once she sees you having a good time with them, it will help your cause. Then, in a week or two, ask her to have lunch with you. If she gives you any static about being out with you one-on-one, then you'll know that she's just "kicking tires" and that it's time for you to move on to a new adventure. Why? The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says a man should never try to date someone who doesn't want to date him.

If she accepts the lunch date and shows up, keep her laughing as much as you can while you're out together. Do not touch her or try to kiss her, or tell her how pretty she is. And, when you end the lunch date, don't mention getting together again. By doing those things, she'll see you as intriguing and mysterious. After that, let her approach you for the next rendezvous, and then maintain the same strategy. Don't come on to her.

come on already If she had authentic romantic Interest Level in you to begin with, at this point, it will have risen considerably. Soon enough, she'll come on to you in a way that will leave you without any doubts. So Emmett, just kick back and be a Challenge, and don't be attached to the outcome. (Don't make her the center of your life.) Meanwhile, keep getting the home phone numbers of other girls! Remember guys; women don't say: "I have low Interest Level in you." If they did, I'd be out of work.

Are Beautiful Women Difficult To Approach? Hi Doc, I'm a personable guy with good social skills. When I meet a woman who I couldn't care less about, the conversation just flows. But why is it that the more attractive the woman is, the more my mind goes blank, my personality disappears and my lips just freeze? Am I alone Doc, or do all guys go through this? And what about all those beautiful women? They have to go out with someone . I see a lot of them with guys who are not very handsome. What can I do to become more relaxed and confident with beautiful women, and maybe win one for myself? Clifford -- who wants to know why beautiful women are so intimidating.

doc love's answer Hi Clifford, You've asked some great questions. I think that most guys would agree that any woman who would merit a "looks" rating of 8.5 (out of 10) or higher would certainly be considered beautiful. But for the sake of clarity, I'm going to be discussing the most seductive creature on the face of the earth: The perfect 10. The A plus. The woman you'd sell your soul for, no

questions asked. Her natural habitat: urban centers of high finance, fashion, politics, and the entertainment industry. Clifford, you're not alone. Beautiful women intimidate most guys. In fact, plenty of guys get intimidated by average-looking women. But when you find yourself in the presence of a genetic celebrity of the female gender, the sense of longing and confusion can be overwhelming.

lifestyles of rich & famous So why is this creature so intimidating? Well, first of all, since she can literally have just about any guy she wants, her standards are very, very high. In almost all cases, to have any chance with her, you have to be rich and powerful, or extremely handsome, or a celebrity (even being a criminal celebrity will do), or all of the above. Yes, the heavies go out with the heavies. (How often do you meet a beautiful woman who's dating an average-looking, unemployed house painter?) Secondly, you've got about the same chance of finding a beautiful woman who is actually available, as you do at keeping Al Sharpton away from a TV news camera. Whenever she breaks up with anyone (and believe me, she's always the one doing the breaking), it takes about a millisecond for her to hook up with another one of the numerous suitors she keeps on a string. She'll never go it alone simply because she doesn't have to. Thirdly, wherever she goes, she's deluged with every form of male attention imaginable. From the most subtle, to the outrageously blatant. From the creepy come-ons of the bumbling morons, to the slick propositions of the street-smart media moguls. Besides these, there are the guys who just get in her space, too timid to speak to her, hoping for one glorious moment of eye contact. A brief smile from her would send most of these guys into orbit. But how do you make a beautiful woman yours?

powerful mamas Yes, she's heard it all, she's seen it all, and she's felt it all. All the vibes of lust and longing perpetually projected at her. So she's usually more than a little bit jaded. And the power she wields is mind-boggling. She's also well aware of the immense power she wields, but she'll never cop to it. Not only is she constantly bombarded with male attention, but she's also extremely spoiled. Men fall all over themselves to try to please her in any way they can. Endless compliments, outrageous gifts, free shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive, all expense paid trips to the finest resorts in the world, invitations to parties with the rich, famous and powerful; all these things and more comprise the cornucopia of delights offered to her on a regular basis. (You don't see average-looking women at Hef's house, do you?)

To make matters worse, men just don't say "no" to her. She's used to always getting her way. She's never had anyone break a date with her. (Although she's apt to break a date at the last minute without a thought if a bigger, better deal comes along.) And, she's never been rejected in her entire life. Compare her experience to yours Clifford. Because of all these factors, it is extremely difficult to find a solid "10" who is a flexible, sweet, giving person. Most of them are quite demanding and also incredibly self-absorbed. (You would be, too, if you were being worshipped as a virtual deity every day, like, Claudia Schiffer, for instance.) But also be aware that as we move down the beauty scale into the 8 range or below, the Spoiledness Factor goes down, while giving and flexibility go up.

practice is power Now Clifford, if all these brutal facts haven't dissuaded you from your quest, let us move forward, boldly and bravely, keeping in mind that there are some devastatingly gorgeous women out there who do have heart and soul, and are not total mercenaries or users. The key to getting comfortable with approaching beautiful women is to practice, practice, practice on the not-so-beautiful women. Practice on the 6's and 7's, the C's, C pluses and the B minuses. Find where your threshold is. If you find that you're pretty confident with 7's but not with 8's, then push the envelope just a taste, and try the same kind of approach on the low 8's. Don't bite off more than you can chew. Picture yourself as an athlete in training who is slowly but surely improving his game. Think of each encounter as practice for the next one. Expect to be rejected over and over and don't take it personally. You'll begin to notice that once in a while, you will get a positive response. The more you practice without being attached to the outcome, the more success you will have. Clifford, think of yourself as a soldier of love on a training mission, honing his skills.

get the itch to pitch And here's a technique to use that will improve your success with beautiful women even more quickly, if you have the cojones to try it: Simply say "Hi" to every single woman you're interested in, and don't end the conversation without uttering these words: "What's your home phone number?" Say those words every single time you talk to a woman you're interested in, no matter how aloof she seems. If the only thing you find yourself able to say is, "Hi" and then, "What's your home phone number?" with nothing in between, that's fine. Your charming patter will come with practice. Do that for ninety days and you'll really be building some courage and competence. As you keep pitching the beauties, you're going to wind up with some phone numbers. The more attractive the woman is, the more likely it will be that she will cancel any date that you make with her once you call. But some of the beautiful ones will actually keep the date. Then,

once you're out with your A plus, use The "System" [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] and be a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. By doing that, you'll be able to win her over and more importantly, keep her. Remember guys, beautiful women respond to looks, money, power, and celebrity. But there's one other thing they respond to above all and that's a guy who is a Challenge. A guy who isn't seeking her approval. A guy who can say "no" to her once in a while without flinching. A guy who is unpredictable and doesn't let her know if he really likes her or not. By the way Clifford, all those unattractive guys that you see with the stunningly beautiful babes? They're either rich and powerful or... they're a Challenge.

If She Cheats, Must You Let Her Go? Hi Doc, I met this beautiful girl over a year ago and we ended up going out. I fell in love with her. We got to the point where we saw each other every day and basically did everything together. No girl had ever shown as much interest in me as she did. After going out for 5 months, I went out of town for 2 weeks. When I got back, a guy friend of hers, who used to date her years ago, told me he kissed her when I was out of town and that he was sorry about it. I confronted my girlfriend about it and she told me that it was true, and that she was sorry. She said that it was wrong to even have had him over in the first place. I was hurt and I broke up with her. After a couple of weeks, I decided that I had overreacted and went back to her.

quite a slip Things were great after we got back together, and we communicated more than ever. We had a great relationship for about 6 more months, when one night we had a really long talk. She confessed that she had had sex with a guy (someone different from the one she kissed) about 2 months after we started going out. She said she didn't feel emotionally close to me yet at that time, and felt that I was just going to break up with her soon anyway because that's what every other guy has done to her. She also said that she didn't really like this other guy either. She said that having sex with him was her way of hurting me before I had a chance to hurt her. She said that after a while, when she saw I wasn't like the other guys, she felt bad about what she had done, but didn't want to lose me by telling me. She said she was telling me now because she has changed and felt she needed to be completely honest and open with me. Despite what she said, I couldn't get over the fact that she had cheated on me twice. I broke up with her a few days later, and now we have been broken up for about a month. She calls me

all the time, telling me to come back, saying she has truly changed and has integrity now. I have also noticed that she doesn't lie to her friends like she used to. I love her and want to go back to her, but I don't want to be deceived again. Should I trust her and go back to her, or should I move on? Hunter -- who wants to know if she has really changed

doc love's answer So Hunter, You go out of town for 2 weeks and the pussy cat strays, huh? Just imagine if you were out to sea with the Navy for 6 months. How loyal would this Desdemona be under those circumstances? Judging by her track record, I'd say, maybe about as loyal as Lara Flynn Boyle at a senior citizens convention. And as usual, you, the man, are supposed to overlook her transgressions and pretend nothing happened. Many women expect men to do this, but somehow don't seem to be able to do the same when the situation is reversed. Yes, hypocrisy is alive and well in women's lib land! Cheater, cheater, man-eater...

i have a confession... Hunter, I think you made the right decision when you decided to call it quits with this traitor. I do believe that she has strong feelings for you, but she's just not long-term-committedrelationship material. Why not? Well, she not only went to bed with another guy -- while she was dating you -- but she did it with a guy whom she didn't even like. To have done that, her self-esteem has to be pretty low. And if you get emotionally involved with someone with low self-esteem, you're in for one big train wreck down the line. I'd like to give her credit for confessing to you, but any woman with an ounce of common sense would know that even a man with tons of self-confidence would be demolished by such a revelation. Her compulsion to reveal what she did only verifies that she doesn't know how to manage a relationship properly.

string of lies You also mentioned that she has a reputation for distorting the truth. How can you ever tell when a fibber has changed her ways? It's tough to know for sure. I'd venture to guess that all her exes got rid of her quickly because her infidelity vibes were so strong. The System [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] says that in order to have a successful relationship, not only does the woman's romantic

Interest Level [degree of love] in you have to be extremely high, but she also has to have integrity. Now this gal passes the Interest Level test, but she gets an F on her Integrity examination. Hunter, the mistake that a lot of men make is that they fall for the party girl, marry the party girl, and then have to divorce the party girl. And who comes out the loser? The man, of course. The other love doctors, like Joyce Brothers and her ilk, would tell you to take her back and be more understanding. "You need counseling," is their mantra.

hiss at this miss Now if all you want is a party girl, you can take her back. But I can tell that you're the kind of guy who is looking for long-term love, and you're not going to find it with this hussy. Remember guys, once the pussy cat strays, it is over unless you want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life, and wind up being the one emptying the litter box time and time again.

Getting Back Into The Dating Game Hi Doc, I am going through a nasty divorce, and you wouldn't believe how betrayed and discouraged I've felt for the past six months. But I've started to feel a bit more confident and optimistic lately, and I think I'm about ready to get out there and start dating again. Perhaps it would be good for me at this point. Who knows? I might even meet a real sweetheart. But since I've been married for 13 years and remained completely faithful the entire time, I have absolutely no clue as to how to date. My single buddies tell me all kinds of horror stories about the singles scene, which are unbelievably discouraging. Are they exaggerating or is it really a jungle out there? I am 33 years old and make serious money. Where do I start? Francesco -- who is out of practice

doc love's answer

Hi Francesco, Sorry that you've had to go through what you've been going through with your divorce. In the last 30 years, all the psychotherapists and relationship experts haven't been able to make a dent in the divorce statistics. (50% of all marriages end in divorce, and two thirds of the time, it's the woman who files first.) Regardless of the statistics, keep in mind Francesco, that divorce is hard on the woman too. I think we all need to have compassion for poor Nicole Kidman. Remember, she will miss getting half of Tom Cruise's $250 million. Luckily, he filed 3 days before the 10th year of their marriage (California recognizes 10 years as a long-term marriage -- if each is to get half of the joint property.) Francesco, the truth is: It is a jungle out there. And that jungle is inhabited by an infinite number of feminine creatures who will think nothing of misleading you, leading you on, stroking you, and using you. Your buddies don't have to exaggerate to frighten you; the truth is disturbing enough. But fear not, Francesco, because The System [a body of principles that guarantee your success with a woman that you love] that I'll use to coach you will be your guiding beacon through the darkness and deception.

exercising the scene Let's start with the basics. First of all, take the time to get into good physical shape. If you don't belong to a gym, join one; ideally an upscale athletic club that has a high percentage of women in their twenties and thirties as members. Start working out regularly, even if you'd rather not. You'll look more attractive and you'll feel more confident. (When you're radiating vitality and fitness, you'll magnetize more babes.) Once you're there, pumping up, don't stare at the girls in their tight leotards and don't come onto them with a lot of questions or comments. Just smile and say "hi" to the ones that smile at you, and every so often, casually ask one a question about her workout if it feels easy to do (don't push). If she has any interest, she'll make you feel comfortable and will ask you questions. That way, picking up women at the gym will be sweatless. It's all about looking good...

look fine Check your personal hygiene. Make sure that you always smell good and that your fingernails are always clean and trim. Get a good buddy to give you feedback about the overall state of your breath because halitosis is an immediate turnoff to women, and you can easily have it without a clue that you do. Also, be sure to dress appropriately for the situation, whether it is casual or dressy. And

always wear nice shiny shoes. Even your gym shoes should be sharp and new. Women have a thing about shoes and they often make snap judgments about you according to the state of your footwear.

where to meet women One of the very best places to meet women is at private parties where most of the guests know the host or hostess. People are much more open and friendly in this type of environment than they would be at a public celebration where anyone can just show up. Take advantage of your connection with the person throwing the party, and ask him or her to introduce you to anyone whom you'd like to meet, but may not be totally comfortable approaching by yourself. Other great places to connect with females are classes and seminars where women usually outnumber men: yoga classes, dance classes, cooking classes, psychic awareness classes, and astrology classes. Any seminar or workshop that has to do with New Age consciousness, relationships or personal development often has about 2 to 3 times as many women as men in attendance. And, if you really want to be gutsy, try going to an adult education class similar to the one a friend of mine once went to: "How to Organize Your Purse." He brought his backpack with him, and he was the only guy there. He connected with 3 different women. Even more conventional organizations like Toastmasters are great. Church or Temple is also a fantastic place to meet women. And never miss an opportunity to attend my all-time favorite event for meeting women: weddings. Why? Because at weddings everyone is up, happy, supportive, super friendly, and love is in the air.

singles parties When attending any party or dance that is designed for "singles," be aware that the Bow Wow Factor at these places is often quite high, and that the desirable girls who do attend, frequently have their defenses way up. That's because it's usually overstocked with guys who look and act like they haven't had a date since the Civil War. So if you're going to go to singles events, try to get 2 or 3 of them lined up in one night. Get in and get out if it's not happening at one, and move onto the next. With all the disadvantages to "singles" events, people still do hook up at these places. So go ahead and check them out for yourself. If you're the kind of guy who feels comfortable scouting for dates at nightclubs, be sure to always go with a buddy, preferably someone who is very upbeat and animated. You'll look a lot more appealing if you're rapping and laughing with your pal than you would if you were standing there by yourself with an anxious look on your face.

she's looking your way Then, if any woman at the club looks right at you and smiles more than once, walk on over to her and playfully strike up a conversation. If she was smiling at you to begin with, you'll probably find that she'll make it easy for you once you do approach. (Don't bother talking to any women who don't smile at you at all.) Once you find yourself having a conversation with a woman whom you're interested in, wherever you are, make sure to keep the conversation light and positive. Keep your hands to yourself and check to see if she touches you at all. It's an encouraging sign if she does. And remember guys; always, always make sure to ask her for her home phone number.

This Time, The Woman is Right Hi Doc, I'm having a problem with my girlfriend and I really need some advice. Recently, she was over at my house when my ex-girlfriend called. (My ex and I were together for 9 months, and I broke up with her about 6 months ago.) I chatted with my ex for about 10 minutes and my girlfriend got very upset. I explained to her that this other girl means nothing to me and that I just consider her to be a friend now. I've told my girlfriend about 12 times that I only want to be with her, but she's still mad. She insists that I stop talking to my ex. I would like to remain friends with my ex, but my girlfriend can't find a way to accept this. I think that she's jealous and insecure. What do you think and what should I do? Please give me some advice as soon as possible because I want my relationship with my girlfriend to work. Randell -- who wants to know why she's so mad

doc love's answer Hi Randell, You know that I'm one of the few love doctors who comes from a male perspective, and I always try to stand up for the guys. But she's got you on this one, dude. Your girlfriend is neither jealous nor possessive. She just wants to trust you and be respected. That's right, Randell, you're being disrespectful. How would you like her to be chatting with old boyfriends while she's sitting on the couch

with you? If you're honest with yourself, I think you'd have to admit that you wouldn't enjoy it one bit. Why? Because as they say in Israel, "It ain't Kosher!" So you and your ex are "just friends"?

you're falling for it Your girlfriend is annoyed because she knows that your ex is trying to get you back with the ol' friendship ploy. (For you Psych majors: The ex girlfriend is playing buddy, hoping he gets rid of his existing lover and takes her back.) If your ex had dumped you Randell, and you had been the dumpee, I guarantee you wouldn't be getting any friendly, chatty phone calls from her. (When women leave first, they never want back in.) But in this case, you were the dumper, and your ex obviously still has feelings for you. Your current girlfriend smells a rat. That's right, your girlfriend isn't insecure; you are because you enjoy getting strokes off someone you got rid of. Randell, you should ask yourself some important questions like: Why do you want to keep your ex as a friend anyway? Are you out of buddies? Do you get off playing with your ex's heart? Are you a passive/aggressive person who neurotically enjoys annoying your current partner?

pull the plug Nagging is the most underreported crime in America, only this time it's somewhat justified. Your girlfriend needs to feel cherished and respected by you. She needs to feel safe and be able to trust you, and you're blowing it. Randell, you've been a jerk. Now it's time to do the right thing and here's one way to do it: When Miss Wrong calls again and your girlfriend is there, casually walk out of the room with the phone while you're talking to her. Meanwhile stay within earshot of your girlfriend and let her hear you say, "Missy, don't call me again." Do this, and your girlfriend's levels of trust, respect and romantic interest toward you will all go up. Both partners in a long-term romantic relationship must always have the utmost respect for each other (and themselves) because the foundation of a lasting relationship is respect. If the man doesn't give the woman respect, resentment will rear its hideous little head, the woman's Interest Level [degree of love] will slowly sink, and the guy will eventually hear one of the two most dreaded sentences in the English language: either "Honey, we have to talk," or "You know, I just need some space." So remember, all you guys out there, when you're going steady, don't talk to your exes.

Signs She's About To Dump You Hi Doc, I don't have a problem getting a woman to love me, but I can't seem to get her to continue loving me. I seem to be able to make it as far as about six months in a relationship, but by the seventh or eighth month, every woman leaves me. I'm a cool guy and I make very good money. Nevertheless, I'm always getting dumped and I can't figure out why. The freaky thing is that I never see it coming. When they leave it always ends with a big argument that comes out of nowhere. Can you tell me the signs to look for to know that a woman is getting turned off so that I don't get ambushed again? And could you also give me some tips on what I might be doing wrong to keep making these women want to bail on me? Craig -- who is tired of losing

doc love's answer Hi Craig, When a woman decides to leave a man with whom she's been in a committed relationship, her romantic Interest Level [degree of love] towards him, in most cases, does not suddenly drop from say 95% to 39%. Rather, her feelings of affection and romance toward her partner have been eroded slowly by the man's behavior, and have finally sunk so low that she'd prefer to throw up than spend another day with him. While this process is taking place, sadly, the man is usually clueless that the woman's romantic feelings toward him are diminishing. Only when her Interest Level has sunk below the point of no return is the hapless chap informed that he is history. How and why does this happen?

too good can be bad Lets take as an example, a typical guy who is clinically sane and not abusive, nor is he an alcoholic or drug addict. Furthermore, let's assume he's basically a good, responsible guy, who has integrity and a good job. When he gets dumped, it's usually because he's either being too nice, too available, too vulnerable and sweet, too predictable or malleable, and easily controlled. She therefore loses respect for him and her sexual attraction towards him dies a slow death. He is then no longer

her romantic hero and she no longer sees him as mysterious or a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] in any way, although she once did. What were the warning signs?

just say no Craig, what you probably do as time goes by, is get too comfortable with your girlfriend and start to share too much about your personal insecurities. Or you don't take a stand and say the word "no" when it's appropriate, or maybe you let her think that you can't live without her. So Craig, when you start out with a woman, don't change your behavior as the months go by. You must be doing a lot of things right because you're getting past sixty days with all these gals. Just keep doing all the things that made these women fall in love with you initially, and don't adopt any of the bad habits that I've described. Now let me share some of the warning signs that you can use as feedback to let you know that you're getting off track, and need to correct your course with your next girlfriend. When a good relationship starts to go south, 90% of the time it goes down something like this:

no longer smitten First, there is the "Getting That Strange Feeling" stage. This is when a woman's feelings toward her boyfriend or husband subtly begin to shift. She herself may not even be aware of such a change, although she does find it curious that she isn't laughing as hard at her man's jokes any longer. Nor does she touch him in public the way she did in the good old days. An objective observer would notice that her enthusiasm toward her partner has become muted. Still, she has warm feelings for him, although she admits to herself she can't quite understand why she stared so long at the handsome new office manager at work. She even felt a tingling sensation in her stomach. These changes are occurring because all the things that her guy has been doing to lower her Interest Level are finally starting to take their toll. At this point, her romantic Interest Level toward him is hovering somewhere between 51% and 60%.

no more peace Second, there is the "Constant Arguing & Making Up" stage. This is when her waning feelings cause her to start arguments. She will do things that she knows will upset her partner, hoping that he will do her dirty work for her -- break up the relationship. But like most men, he doesn't have any idea that this is happening. She is usually guilt-wracked at this stage and seldom departs for good because pity is the final

vestige of emotion she has left for him. At this point, her romantic Interest Level has sunk to somewhere between 40% and 49%. Her body is there with him, but her heart is not.

no longer dating Finally, there is the "Armageddon Blowup" stage. This is when she gets into a bitter, climactic argument with her man during which she will usually climb up on her soapbox (she probably instigated the quarrel herself), and act outraged that her man would dare lose his temper at such a "trivial thing" (she conveniently forgot they had a date for his father's surprise birthday party and instead went out clubbing with her girlfriends). With self-righteous indignation, she will inform the unfortunate guy that their relationship is irrevocably terminated. The guy, of course, is stunned by such a "sudden" breakup. In reality, it wasn't sudden at all. Her Interest Level started at 95% and sank to below 40% over time -and that's when she leaves. So, remember guys, always be a Challenge and you'll never get set up to take a fall.

A Female Reader Is Upset Hi Doc, I read your answer to Tex, about whether he should take his ex-girlfriend back after she cheated on him. Last year, I made a terrible mistake of falling for another man's flattery, and cheated on my boyfriend whom I loved very much. I am not going to make excuses for my wrongdoing. But at the time, I was feeling a little insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend. He was talking like he wanted to commit and get married. That kind of talk really scared me and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that big step in the relationship.

cheater, cheater I made the biggest mistake I ever when I cheated on him. I got caught, but in a way, I think I wanted him to catch us, so I wouldn't have to deal with the fears of committing. I know it was wrong, but of course, the man I cheated with meant nothing to me. My boyfriend was willing to forgive me and wanted us to stay together. I didn't feel he could ever forgive the terrible thing I had done and told him to go away and find somebody else. All my life I have disliked cheaters, and at the time I could not forgive myself for what I had done.

into the hole For 5 months, I went into depression for the wrong I had done. But I am happy now because the boyfriend I had cheated on helped pull me out of my depression and took me back. We are living together now and plan to marry. We still have trust issues though, as I found a voice tape recorder hidden in our house by him. Also, several times, he has left work to check and see if I was home alone. I told him I will never cheat on him again, and he believes me. So you can tell Tex, that it is possible to get back with somebody who did you wrong, if the person is truly sincere and wants to be forgiven. Remember Doc Love, we are all humans and no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and we are all capable of learning from them. I hope you will forward this letter to Tex so that he can see that people can change. Thanks. Caprice -- who is a wiser woman

doc love's answer Hi Caprice, You're quite an interesting woman. Your boyfriend tells you that he wants to marry you, and that makes you feel insecure about your relationship with him. If he'd been becoming more distant or less affectionate I could certainly understand your reaction, but he was letting you know that he truly cares for you -- poor guy. Isn't a good man who wants commitment what all you gals clamor for? No wonder most men are bewildered by women! And then to deal with your insecurities, you go to bed with another guy -- makes sense to me! What did he say to you, "Hi good looking, let's go to my house?" Would you have taken her back?

woof, woof You mentioned, "of course the man I was cheating with meant nothing." Sounds to me like you have real high standards. One compliment from someone you don't think much of, and you do the worst thing you can do to your true love. And Ricki Lake calls men dogs! Maybe your self-esteem is just so low that you'll do anything to sabotage a good relationship because you don't believe that you deserve to have a good man in your life. Let me ask you a question that the other love doctors never would ask. How are you able to respect a man who would take you back after you've done him dirty like you did? If you're really honest with yourself, I think you'll have to admit that your level of respect for him has been irretrievably compromised, and this fact doesn't bode well for the longevity of your

relationship. Why? Because The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that the woman's Interest Level [degree of love] is built on respect.

shielding himself You're either going to start becoming interested in guys who you see as more masculine (who would never put up with such crap), or your guy is going to drop you like a Mad Cow burger, if and when he grows some brains and realizes what a number you've run on him. Here's something else no one talks about. Your guy's romantic Interest Level in you can never go back to where it once was, in the high 90's. Knowing that you are capable of cheating again, he will instinctively keep his Interest Level lower to protect himself from future pain. (It hurts less when you're not totally in love with the person who cheats on you -- again.)

he's playing detective Even as things stand now it doesn't sound so great. How much trust can you possibly have in your relationship if he's hiding tape recorders in the house to check on you? How did it make you feel when you discovered the tape recorder? And how do you feel about being with a guy who is so insecure about your loyalty that he runs around spying on you? I see nothing but trouble ahead. Caprice, you also say that things are just getting better and better now that you've repented. Talk to me in a year and tell me how great things are then. Remember, guys, once they stray, stay away.

Does Every Relationship Come With A Breakup? Hi there Doc, My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months now and have had a great relationship, but I feel as though she is becoming less interested in me. For example, I find her spending more and more time with her friends. I don't mind if she hangs out with her friends, but I've become concerned ever since she started hanging out with them more than me. She's also spending lots of time with a "friend" of hers named Tom. It seems as though every time I call her on her cell phone, she's at Tom's apartment. Another thing is that I feel that she hardly ever gives in return. I've given her all sorts of cool things, but she hasn't given me a thing.

I'm 32, and as I look back on my past girlfriends, it seems to me that it always starts out great and then someone mistreats and dumps the other. I don't want to dump her, Doc, but I think that I probably have to. Do relationships ever last? Smitty -- who wants to know why it always has to end

doc love's answer Hi Smitty, I hate to say it dude, but it sounds as if you have already become the dumpee and you're just not seeing it yet. What does this girl have to do for you to get the drift? Marry Tom? On the other hand, you do seem to understand that your relationship is going nowhere fast -- except downhill. Let me explain. Yes, Smitty, your girlfriend has already dumped you, but she just doesn't have the decency to tell you to your face. She's simply doing more and more things that she's hoping you will soon no longer be able to tolerate. Then you'll be forced to break up with her, thinking that it was your decision, while you're actually being manipulated into doing her dirty work for her. Using this passive method, she doesn't have to look like the bad guy. Is the end inevitable?

she's a super taker Remember that if your girlfriend started out having high Interest Level [degree of love] in you, then you had to have done things to lower her Interest Level. Otherwise, she wouldn't be amenable to the charms of this rip-off artist named Tom. You see, The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says: When women have 90% Interest Level or higher, they're super loyal. My other concern is that this girl is a taker and not a giver, so she isn't good relationship material anyway. You should ask yourself Smitty; why did you continue giving so much to her if she wasn't giving back? She obviously wasn't showing you any appreciation, either. You guys need to learn to stop giving when your efforts aren't being appreciated.

who does stay together? Some couples actually do stay together forever because they both had high romantic Interest Level in each other to begin with, and they've been able to keep the Interest Level mutually high over the years. Couples like these comprise a very small percentage of the total, but they are out there.

The other category of couples who don't break up: Those who stay together indefinitely, not because they are happy with each other, but because they "have to" for one reason or another (i.e. they don't want to damage their kids emotionally, or the breakup would be financially devastating in some way, etc.) In the worst version of this type of relationship, the couple is miserable and practically hates each other. At best, they just live like roommates with no passion or affection for each other. Remember that about 1 out of 4 guys who are married are with women who never really loved them to begin with. Another large percentage of married men are with women who once had high Interest Level in them, but who are now just toughing it out. (Just ask yourself: How many -- 7 years married or longer -- men out of a hundred have a loving, romantic relationship with their wives? Get a few beers into your buddy and ask him what he hates about being married.)

unhappily ever after So, that leaves a large majority of couples that are inevitably going to break up, sooner or later. It may only take 6 or 7 dates before one person or the other loses interest. Or, the breakup can come after one partner finally gets the guts to end an unhappy marriage of several years. In any case, the person who does the dumping is the one with the lower Interest Level. And the one who gets hurt is the partner with the higher level of interest. (When the airplane of love is going down, there's only one parachute -- and it's not for the dumpee!) Smitty, I would never tell any guy to get rid of a woman. My job is to coach you so you don't get into a predicament like this to begin with. But if your girlfriend is spending more time with Tom than with you, then there's trouble in paradise.

how you can keep her But don't take the initiative to officially break up with her. If you do that, then she'll get the satisfaction of knowing that she was able to manipulate you. Instead, beat her at her own game. Just stop calling her, let her only talk to your answering machine, and move on. Smitty, if you want to have a relationship that goes the distance, you've got to get with a chick who digs you as much as you dig her. Then check to make sure that she is a flexible giver with high integrity. Also make sure to always maintain a sense of romance, mystery and Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. That way, you'll be sure to keep her Interest Level high as the months and years go by. And when her Interest Level is high, she'll continue to do things to make sure that your Interest Level in her stays high also.

Remember guys: The easy part is getting them. The hard part is keeping them.

Who Really Wins With Women? Hi Doc, Now that I've read several of your advice columns, I am thoroughly convinced that you have the mind of a fourteen-year-old boy. Your column and your so-called "System" are an attempt to teach men how to play mind games and manipulate women. And any guy who is using some kind of rule book or strategy to try to win me over, may actually make it to a second date, but I can guarantee you that he won't make it to my bedroom. The advice you should be giving men is to simply be honest. Men don't need to act aloof or unavailable to get women to like them. The truth is that women like to know up front whether a guy is interested, and they certainly don't want a guy to wait a week before he calls. Have you actually talked to any of these thousands of women whom you claim to have interviewed? I doubt it.

do jerks always win? What you're doing, Doc Love, is trying to convince guys to act like jerks because they've been rejected once or twice. That's never going to help them find a woman who will truly make them happy. You're obviously trying to gain popularity by being politically incorrect, which is apparently the hip thing to do theses days. But you're only exacerbating the misunderstandings between men and women. You shouldn't be giving love advice until you start asking women what we want instead of telling men what you think we want. If you actually had been interviewing women, you'd know that all women really want is a nice guy. Reva -- who thinks that you are not helping anyone

doc love's answer Hi Reva, Did I hit a nerve?

Allow me to tell you about a guy I recently met named Barney. Barney is a Macho Boy. When he takes a woman out on a first date, he intermittently stares at her breasts throughout the evening. He also has a habit of complaining about his ex-wife in the middle of the dinner conversation, and he can't seem to keep himself from touching his date's arm too much. Every woman who goes out with Barney winds up feeling extremely uncomfortable and never wants to hear from him again. Yet Barney is baffled as to why he never gets a second date. Want to know why he's never asked for seconds?

too sweet for lovin' Barney's buddy, Frank, is different from Barney. Frank is what I call a Teddy Bear Guy. He always brings a bouquet of flowers for the girl on their first date. He also thinks that if he shares his previous relationship disappointments, his date will respect him for "sharing his feelings", and be more attracted to him. At the end of the evening, he usually concludes by saying: "I really like you. Do you like me?" Frank doesn't get many second dates either. So Reva, I've got a few questions for you. Shall we simply encourage Barney and Frank to continue to be sincere? If I educate Barney and Frank about their errors and they change their behavior to become more successful with women, would I then be turning them into manipulative phonies? And would you deny Barney and Frank the opportunity to improve themselves? Should all those guys who are chronically making outrageous blunders with women, continue to just "be themselves"?

women simply don't know Curiously Reva, it's often the same women who complain about men being manipulative who rush off to newsstands for the latest edition of Cosmo to learn of the "5 Surefire Ways To Get Him To Commit," or the "7 Secret Strategies To Make Him Fall In Love With You." Go to the relationship section of any bookstore. Wade through all the "men are creeps and women are victims" crap. Most of what you will find are books written by women for women with strategies to "Get What You Want From The Man In Your Life." It seems that when a woman studies a book to enhance her relationship, it's called "self improvement". But when a man takes the initiative to get some coaching to improve his love life, he's condemned for being "dishonest" and "manipulative". Hmm, and the Feministas fought so hard to get rid of all those double standards!

The way I found out what women actually desire in a man was not by asking them what they "want". (If you ask women what they "want" they come up with misleading doubletalk just as you have Reva.) The truth is revealed when I quiz them about the character traits of the men they actually have a relationship with. In the majority of cases, what I discover is that the man who makes the grade is the man who made the woman (either naturally or with coaching) feel as if she had to work to win him over. She had to wait and wonder awhile about where she stood with him, and ultimately found him mysterious, compelling and worthy of her affections. I'm not saying that a guy needs to be mysterious when he's been married for ten years. But in the first 60 days of courtship, it's imperative. Learn how to take your time and women won't resist you.

slow it down papi I'll tell you, Reva, if you were to meet two different guys at an afternoon barbecue whom you both had 70% Interest Level [degree of love] in, and guy number one called you later that night and told you how much he cared for you, your Interest Level in him would very quickly sink to 60%. Why? Too much, too fast. But if guy number two waited a week to call you and simply asked you out in a gentlemanly fashion, by the time he called, your Interest Level in him would have risen to 75%. You would find yourself liking him more than guy number one because he is less anxious, more mysterious and more of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. The truth Reva, is that Macho Boy -- the pushy, inconsiderate jerk -- is not going to get anywhere with any woman, at least not any woman who is clinically sane. But Teddy Bear Guy (Wimpus Americanus) is not going to get very far either by being too available and eager to please. Too many good men are losing out on having healthy relationships with wonderful women, only because they've never had proper coaching. They don't know that their job on a first date is to keep things light, keep their hands to themselves and be a good listener. And above all, control the interview. Men also don't know that they're blowing it when they give a woman fifteen different compliments on the first date or when they propose marriage on the fourth. They're fundamentally good guys, but they just don't know any better. That's where I come in, and I know I'm helping a lot of guys because of the hundreds of grateful testimonial letters I receive each month. So remember guys: The man who is a gentleman and a Challenge keeps the woman.

Women Who Date For The Freebies Hi Doc, My name is Jack. I'm 42 years old and I own a large luxury car dealership. Even though I've been quite successful in my career, I've experienced a lot of confusion with women over the years. But since I started using your "System" in January, I've been landing three times as many dates. I've learned how and when to ask a woman for her home phone number and how to weed out the bad leads. The problem now is that a lot of these women who do go out with me, ultimately, won't even kiss me. I let the woman do all the touching, and don't tell her how much I like her and all that. I'm a total gentleman and manage to remain mysterious and challenging; I've come a long way.

i still don't get it However, I am completely baffled by these girls; they touch me, compliment me and talk about going on more dates. But when I make my move for a simple nice kiss on the third or fourth date, they turn the cheek. But even after they refuse to kiss me, they still accept more dates with me. However, there's this new woman I've just started dating who gave me a long, deep, wet kiss right off the bat on our first date. It was a nice change. So what's with all these other girls? Why are they spending so much time with me if they don't even want to kiss me? They know that I'm romantically interested in them, so why do they keep accepting dates with me? Is that fair? Do other guys go through this too? And how can I screen out these phonies and strokers before I spend all this time and money on them? Jack - who is ticked off

doc love's answer Hi Jack, You are not alone. Every day, I receive many e-mail complaints of the exact same thing that you've been experiencing. In fact, I'd have to say that what we have in the current dating world is an epidemic of phony female flirt-itis.

Every night, across America, tens of thousands of women are out on dates with men whom they have absolutely no romantic interest in or physical attraction to. These women are already 100% confident that they have no intention of ever even exploring the possibility of a relationship with the poor sap. Each one, all consumed with her own narcissistic agenda, has no concern whatsoever that she is misleading her victim, let alone possibly hurting his feelings. Toying with a man's emotions is a form of recreation for her. How do you deal with these Professional Daters? If you're a long time reader, you know that I call this type of woman The Professional Dater. And yes Jack, the way she behaves isn't right. And it isn't fair either, but it is a reality that all single guys must learn to deal with, unless you are in a band. So just what is The Professional Dater's secret agenda? Allow me to clarify this for everyone. Her agenda is to enjoy as many social, recreational and culinary opportunities as she can, with no strings attached, while she bides her time, looking for the "real" Mr. Right.

what is she thinking? In her self-centered universe, her inner dialogue goes something like this: "While I'm attending that exclusive Grammy party with Mr. Chump, I just might meet a celebrity." Or, "while I'm dining at the nicest restaurant in town with Mr. Loser, at least I'll be able to enjoy another lobster dinner this week instead of having to stay home and watch re-runs of Sex and the City and eating reheated pasta. And besides, attention from an undesirable male is better than no attention at all." The more beautiful The Professional Dater is, the higher her standards will be. But there are thousands of women out there who would rate no more than a 5 or a 6 but are still full-on predatory Professional Daters. They enjoy getting free dinners at Sizzler and a complimentary movie ticket, courtesy of Mr. Clueless.

how is she leading you on? Well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, The Professional Dater knows that her victim will not continue to lavish his attention and generosity upon her if she doesn't give him a sense of hope and possibility. So she's a master at leading him on, without having to even approach the first stages of intimacy. (For her, the idea of actually even kissing her mark, ranges somewhere from between mildly distasteful to outright repulsive.) The Professional Dater has trained herself to exhibit all the buying signals of the woman with authentic high Interest Level [degree of love]. She touches the guy a lot. She tells him how

special he is. She thanks him profusely for the lovely evening she had. She even makes very subtle, ambiguous hints about the possibility of furthering the relationship in the future. How do you screen out this viscous siren? How do you avoid being played like a Stradivarius? How do you call her bluff and flush out this emotional vampire? Are you ready guys? Listen up! Here it is.

here it is, boys The antidote to this stroker's spell: In order to determine whether or not your potential relationship partner is a Professional Dater, you must make sure that you do not end your first date with her without going in for a nice, sweet, long lingering kiss. And if you get anything less from her, go home, rip up her phone number and flush it down the toilet. To some, this suggestion may sound too harsh, too inflexible. Let me tell you, any girl who really likes you, who is romantically interested in you, will be more than pleased to lay a big wet one on you by the end of the first date. Why wouldn't she if she likes you? Even a very shy girl who has high Interest Level will respond enthusiastically. Only a woman with low interest wouldn't lip lock with you after a three and a half-hour first date.

doc's doctrine To others, this suggestion may sound simplistic. Like basic common sense. Well, that's what it is. It's a simple but profound way to quickly determine where you stand and avoid more dates with the same woman that will wind up going nowhere. Let's say it another way. There's no such thing as a woman with high Interest Level who would penalize you for going in for a nice kiss at the end of the first date. Jack, the bad news is that the reason these women aren't responding, even though you're doing everything right, is that they never really liked you to begin with. But the good news is that you can stop them in their tracks if you don't wait until the third or fourth date to make your move. Go for that kiss and bottom-line the woman's Interest Level by the end of the first date. And simply do not go out again with any woman who fails to respond enthusiastically to your overtures. Stick with the girl who gave you a great kiss on the first date, and look for more like her if you need to. Just remember guys, you never know if a girl might be a Professional Dater or not, until you go in for that big smooch!

Women Who Intimidate Men Dear Doc Love, I'm 33 and a fitness trainer at an upscale gym in Manhattan. I don't seem to have any trouble meeting hot-looking women at all. Sometimes I actually have more women coming onto me than I can deal with. I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but it's true. The problem is that I seem to keep winding up with girls who give me a hard time. For instance, I've been spending time with this one girl named Becky. She's about two inches taller than I (I'm 5'10"), and she's drop dead gorgeous. Of course, she's a model and an aspiring actress. We've been out twice now, and I'm really attracted to her.

out came the true colors So yesterday we were taking a nice walk through Central Park, enjoying the day, when she started asking me all these intense questions about my past relationships and insisted that I explain why I've never been married. She was so intense. I felt like no matter what I said, it wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. Then she goes on a rant about how all men are dishonest and cheat, and use women in one way or another. And then she says: "So Preston, do you use women?" I mean she was acting like a cop from internal affairs who knew that I was guilty and was insisting that I admit it. The rest of the time we were together yesterday, she was totally cool and we had fun. But I can tell she's going to come on heavy again. If there's a way to get her to lighten up I'd like to know because she has a lot of other nice qualities and she's exactly my type physically. Any suggestions Doc? Preston -- who wants to know how to handle her

doc love's answer Hi Preston, She's not the problem. You're the problem. You've got all these hot women coming onto you. Great! But what's up with you that you only choose the ones who hassle you? Why don't you hang out with one who doesn't bust your chops? I mean, why be with a demanding, high maintenance chick when there are plenty of sweet ones out there? Since you've got so many to choose from, pick a winner instead of a whiner. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says: "Stay away from dogs that growl and people who growl." Beautiful women are more dangerous than anything...

supply and demand Remember, the more beautiful the woman, the more spoiled and demanding she tends to be. I think you probably need to move down the beauty scale a notch or two, Preston, and practice using "The System". You're not prepared to handle this type of woman. She's says that all men are users and that you're guilty until proven innocent. Why would you want to be with someone who has a chip on her shoulder? It's a big Red Flag. If this is how she behaves on the second date, can you imagine the grillings you'll be getting from her after she's put the ring through your nose and you've been married to her for a year?

she's a creep And I'll tell you something else Preston. If you started ragging on women the way Becky has on men, she'd be telling all her girlfriends what a creep you were. Somehow, women feel that it is completely legitimate to label the male gender as commitment phobic, terrified of true intimacy. But what you never hear about on Sally and Oprah , is that there are just as many women as men out there who have intimacy and commitment issues -- it's just politically correct to blame men for all our relationship problems. As every good Feminista tells us: "All men want to do is use and abuse women." If Becky were average looking and acted as she has, you would have already gotten rid of her, Preston. Her beauty mesmerizes you and you are not thinking clearly. One of the worst things you can do is get involved with a hot looking woman with a bad attitude.

don't let her beat you Unfortunately, too many guys will put up with all kinds of abuse, just because the girl is gorgeous. It's dis-empowering to do that. Guys, you must learn to not be willing to do anything for you know what. Just keep in mind that a girl who rates a 10 will sink to a 1 after she's nagged and badgered you for 2 months. Preston, this girl is not going to stop doing what she does. And you're not going to change her. So move on to a groovier scenario. Check out the girls in the 7 to 8 range. It will be much easier to find one who's lighthearted and sweet. And at the same time keep taking your shots at the 10's because there are some out there who aren't high maintenance. But any hassle out of the chute, and it's Adios Baby!

doc's doctrine

Remember guys -- the intelligent woman with high interest and a good attitude says to herself -- "I'll find out all the things I want to know about this guy's character, over time. No need to be negative and demanding, it's un-feminine and ungraceful." So pick a sweetheart instead of a Nazi interrogator.

How To Deal With A Rules Girl Dear Doc Love, I need your advice and I need it quick. Here's the story: Last week, I had my first great date with this really hot babe named Felice. Things went really well. We had Sushi at my favorite restaurant and then we went swing dancing. When I walked her to her door at the end of the evening, she invited me in, and we wound up making out on her couch like two high school kids. I didn't push anything even though I feel like I probably could have. When I finally left, she walked me back out to my car and gave me another very nice kiss and said, "call me" just before I drove off. The problem I'm facing now is that I've left 3 messages on her answering machine, the last one was 3 days ago, and she still hasn't called me back. And I know that she's not out of town or anything.

but wait, there's more Yesterday I was talking to this other girl, Cindy, who knows Felice. So I was asking Cindy why she thought Felice hasn't called me back yet and Cindy told me that she was pretty sure that Felice was a "Rules" Girl. Now, I had no idea what that meant, but Cindy quickly educated me. It seems that there's this book that many women have read called, The Rules . And Rules Girls always follow the rules listed in this book. Well one of the rules is that a woman should almost never return a man's phone calls because if she does, then he will know that she likes him and she will lose her advantage. I couldn't believe it. I mean, that sounded so rude and manipulative. So I went to the bookstore, and lo and behold, it's totally for real. Rule number 5 in the book says, and I quote: "Don't call him and rarely return his calls." And in that section it says, "Don't worry about seeming rude, men always call again." Unbelievable!

wanna play games?

After I got over the initial shock of my discovery, I started to get really angry. Isn't it women who are always accusing us men of playing games? What a bunch of hypocrites! Now I've got to deal with this. I know that if Felice isn't a Rules Girl, then I should just forget her because if she were interested she would have called back by now. But if she is a Rules Girl, then she could still be interested and is waiting for me to call back again, so I'll have to keep calling until I get her in person because she's not going to call me back. But, I keep getting her answering machine whatever time of day or night I call (I hung up on the machine every other time I've called, except for 3 messages I left). So it appears that she's screening her calls and if she is, then I'll always have to talk to her machine to know if she's home or not. But every time I call her, she never picks up, so I end up leaving another message on her answering machine. The problems is, that pretty soon, I'll start looking like a stalker. What do I do? How can I short-circuit this "Rules" craziness? All I want to do is take her out on another date. Dan -- who doesn't want to play by "The Rules"

doc love's answer Dear Dan, I feel for you bro. This is a typical example of the mind games that some women play, and you're taking a beating from it. Here's a girl who, you can bet the family farm, was dying to hear from you, but when you try to make the next connection, all you get is static. Of course any guy who's a dating veteran knows that this kind of behavior is all too common. I tell ya... women! But don't worry Dan; let's get all our facts straight and then we'll use our counter intelligence to neutralize this feminine assault on your sanity. How do you counterattack these "Rules"?

those darn rules The book, The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right (note the word "capture" in the title) was published in 1995, and has been controversial ever since it hit the streets. Essentially, The Rules tells women that when they meet a man whom they are strongly attracted to, they should take no initiative to connect with him in any way, and that they should act exactly the same way they would if they had no interest in him whatsoever. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Check out some verbatim quotes from The Rules : "It's never necessary to make eye contact with a man..."

"Avoid staring romantically into a man's eyes..." "Treat men you are interested in like you would any other client, or patient, or coworker..." "Don't talk to men first." The Rules is only useful for women who are very needy and clingy, or very pushy and way too aggressive, but the average gal has generally found that if she sticks to these rules, they backfire on her.

good for nobody In the ensuing years since the publication of this book, The Rules has come to be looked upon with disdain by many relationship experts, and a great deal of damage has already been done and continues to be done by it. I hesitate to even begin estimating how many thousands of women wound up having great guys whom they were very interested in, but passed them over because those women, while practicing The Rules , failed to give the man an encouraging look or smile. I cringe when I contemplate how many women were written off as rude and inconsiderate, or just not interested because they never returned the guy's call (even though they were dying to go out with him!). Fortunately, many women have wised up and are spreading the word that The Rules is for losers. But guys, there are still plenty of Rules Girls running rampant in the land of love, so beware. What do you do about these Rules Girls?

tackling phone calls Dan, I never recommend leaving messages on a woman's answering service or machine until you've made it past the first 2 months. But since you've already gone (way too far) down that road, we'll just deal with the situation as is. When you mentioned that you thought that Felice would have called back by now if she were interested in you, that was a half-truth. If she was really interested in you (and she wasn't a die hard Rules Girl), then she would have returned your call after the first message you left. The only other plausible explanation is that she is indeed a hard-core Rules Girl. I have 3 things to say about that: 1 -- If she's so insecure that she needs to follow The Rules , then you don't want to be with her. 2 -- If she's calculating and manipulative enough to be using The Rules , again, you don't want to be with her.

3 -- If she's a Rules Girl who likes to make a man jump through more hoops than a circus tiger, you've guessed it, then you don't want to be with her.

putting up a screen Let's put aside the issue of whether or not she's a Rules Girl; if you've called all those times and have always gotten her answering machine, then it's pretty obvious that she is, unfortunately, a full-time call screener. That in itself is a bad sign. Why do most attractive young women who screen their calls on a full-time basis do that? Well, it's most likely because they are continually giving their phone numbers out to and flirting with guys whom they never want to talk to again, and in your case, Dan, it sounds as if you're getting screened out.

unruly behavior Even though she is a full-time screener, if she had high interest in you Dan, she would at least temporarily suspend her habit of screening all her calls because she was dying to hear from you. She'd be worried about what an awkward position her screening would be putting you in. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that when women like you, they help you. At this point Dan, Rules Girl or not, blow her off. You've already gone way beyond the call of duty. And stop trying to figure out why she's given you mixed messages. You're wasting your mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. If this girl somehow resurfaces and calls you, apologizes profusely for her tardiness, and begs to see you again, you can put her on probation and give her another shot. But whatever you do, do not call her again and leave another message. Remember guys -- If she's a Rules Girl or simply a screener, it's best to rule her out.

When She Wants To Be "Friends First" Dear Doc, I've just had my third date with a really sweet and pretty girl, Rachel. We initially met on the Internet. We're just getting to know each other, but I already know that she's had some hurtful experiences with men in the past. She says that she's very attracted to me, but doesn't want to jump into anything right away because whenever she's done that in the past, things just didn't work out. She says that this time she wants to go slow and be good friends first, and then build a relationship in the future from that foundation.

What she says makes good sense. And I don't want her to think that I'm only interested in sex, because I'm not. I really like her and I want her to trust me. So I'm going to give her what she wants and not try to get physical with her in any way. She already told me that she really appreciates how well I listen to her and how she feels like she can talk to me about anything. I just wanted your opinion. How long do you think is a reasonable time to be in friendship mode? And at what point do you think we should start shifting to more of the boyfriend/girlfriend mode? Garth -- who wants to know how to pace things

doc love's answer Hi Garth, This love cop smells a rat. Any time a woman whom you're dating starts using the "F" word (friend), you'd better stop, look and listen. It means that her romantic Interest Level [degree of love] is low and is going anywhere but up. Garth, your girl Rachel is obviously a Professional Dater and she's got you bamboozled. She's telling you that she's attracted to you, but as with all Professional Daters, she's saying that only to keep you coming back again and again. She knows that if she admits that she's not attracted to you, then you'll bail. But buddy, the only thing she's serving you from her menu is a little bit of "hope" and that ain't enough nutrition to keep a man alive and well.

she said the "f" word The truth is that she's not physically attracted to you in any meaningful way because if she were, she wouldn't have brought up the "F" word. Instead, she'd be hugging you and kissing you, and jumping your bones. Sorry Garth, I'm not going to pull any punches here. She's either running a con job on you or... she's brainwashed herself into believing that being "friends first" can actually work in the real world, which it never can. Forget friendship, go in for the kill...

always the best man... She also mentioned that she's "been hurt before." Well, who in the hell hasn't been hurt? Ready? Here comes another big dose of reality: She's a woman. And since women do the dumping most of the time, she's been hurt considerably less in her life than the average guy has. Ask yourself this Garth: Is it hurtful to the man for a woman to string him along with an

ambiguous promise of intimacy and romance that will ostensibly happen at some unknown date in the future? What about your feelings Garth? How are you going to feel as the weeks go by and you start falling in love with her, and she doesn't want to even kiss and cuddle with you because "friends don't do that sort of thing"? Brother, all I can say is get ready to experience some serious frustration and resentment if you continue down this palsy walsy path.

never the groom Yep. You're going along with her agenda, assuming that it's right for both of you. Well what's young Garth's agenda amidst all this smoke and mirrors? If you could have it your way Garth, how would you have it? You see, I smell a small rodent here. The real question is: When, as a man, do YOU honor your own needs in this "relationship"? If you do decide to go along with plan "A" (her agenda), just know that you are at high risk for winding up being dumped on with a cute little announcement that goes something like: "Garth, sweetie, guess what. I've finally met the man of my dreams and I owe it all to you! If you hadn't been such a great friend, giving me all that wonderful support, caring and understanding, I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment toward men, and I wouldn't have been ready to meet Felix. He just seemed to come along at the right time and he swept me off my feet. God bless you Garth. I want you to sit with us at the head table at our wedding reception in June!" Are you ready to puke yet?

platonic friendship is for fools Statistically speaking, one in a hundred of what we call male/female friendships turn into romance. It's as rare as a natural "C" cup in a Beverly Hills health spa. And I hesitate to even mention the one real percent that do make the transition because you'll rationalize the information, and wind up telling yourself that this one is the one in a hundred. It ain't, Gartho , and you can take that to the bank. Would a woman with high Interest Level and a flexible attitude tell you that the only way you have a chance of becoming her boyfriend is to have a platonic relationship with her for an indefinite period of time? Sure! And Britney Spears is having Jesse Jackson's love child. When the man who gets her all hot and bothered comes along, I promise you that Rachel won't be hassling him with this "let's be friends first" crap. As for you Garth, you'll get more lovin' from an inflatable doll than you'll ever get from this chick.

it's never gonna happen Keep it simple Garth. We don't have to spend a whole day trying to figure out the 88 reasons why she wants to be friends first. The Bottom Line Factor says that she's putting up a huge roadblock on Romance Road, and you ain't getting past it, dude. But some other guy who rings her bell will. And when that happens, if I were you, I'd rather be getting a root canal than hearing how you and she will always be best friends. And at what point should you shift to the boyfriend/girlfriend mode? Garth, my man, you should always be in the man/woman non-platonic mode. Always! Starting with date #1. Never buy into this "let's be buddies first" blubber. It's just a smokescreen for the woman to hide her low Interest Level, while she uses you as a sounding board and as her on-call psychotherapist. Of course you're not a real psychotherapist. A real one gets paid for his time! Remember guys -- when you hear the word "friend", get the hell out of there as fast as you can.

Women Who Don't Kiss On First Dates Dear Doc Love, I am just writing to tell you that I disagree with your article about the guy who needs to give a kiss to a girl on the first date to find out if she is interested. A woman needs time to decide how she feels about someone. I usually don't kiss a guy on the first date. To a lot of women, a kiss is special. They just don't kiss a guy until they have romantic feelings for him. Most of the time I pay my own way until I know I have romantic feelings for somebody and in that way, I know I didn't use the person. I wait until I know how I feel. If a guy does what you say to do all the time, he'll be scaring women off. Your article is just too simplistic. Ginny -- who thinks that you are definitely wrong

doc love's answer Ginny, Let me ask you something, and be honest. Have you ever had the experience of meeting a man, and knowing instantaneously that you were attracted to him, that he was your type? Have you ever, in your entire life, kissed a guy on a first date? Of course you have. And why did you kiss him on the first date? Because you liked him! You wanted him. You desired him. When you know, you know. And when you know you like him, you want him to know that

you like him. What do you do when you know that you like him? You plant one on him when the moment is right. You see Ginny, it is that simple.

like 1,2,3 But, when you "need time to decide how you feel," that means that you are ambivalent, and I don't want my readers going out on second dates with women who are ambivalent. My boys deserve a lot better than that. When a woman's romantic Interest Level [degree of love] toward a man is in that "so so, wishy-washy, iffy, kinda, sorta" category, that just doesn't cut it. We don't want mediocrity. We want romance and passion. To continue to go out with a guy whom you have no passion for is not only unethical, but a waste of his time and yours. No more beating around the bush...

i am provider, hear me roar If your romantic interest in a guy is low enough for you to insist on paying your half of the dinner check, and is also low enough for you to turn your head when he wants to kiss you, are you saying that by the next date, there's a good chance that you're going to feel different? Yeah right, and Bill Clinton has decided to become a celibate monk. When you insist that the check be split down the middle, even-steven, you're not allowing the guy to be the protector and provider, which is what you want him to be when you like him a lot. It's unromantic to insist on paying your half. Unfortunately, most guys don't realize that when a girl insists on paying her half of the dinner check on a first date, there's no chance for romance. Instead they come back for more punishment.

give it up, girl Ginny, two hours of dinner conversation is plenty of time for you to use all your feminine intuitive powers to determine whether or not you're attracted to a guy. If you're not, then sure, don't kiss him. But if you are, you will kiss him when he wants to kiss you. Your high Interest Level won't allow you to not kiss him. You'll be afraid that he might not call you again if you don't! As "The System" says: When a girl likes you, she shows you that she likes you. Yes Ginny, a kiss is special. And it's to be given to a man whom you think is special. So if you don't think he's special, then don't kiss him. Just make sure that you don't go out with him again if that's the way you feel. Isn't that fair? The only reason you're paying your own way is so you won't feel bad turning your head away

when your date makes his move. But when you're romantically drawn to a man, the issue of feeling guilty about not paying for your "fair share" somehow just doesn't seem to come up. My advice to you, Ginny, is to stop going out with men to whom you're not attracted; because as you know, whenever you do, it never goes anywhere. Remember guys, a woman knows when she's attracted to a man. And more importantly, she knows it when she first meets him, period.

Should You Remain Forever A Challenge? Dear Doc, You have provided some tremendous information on the dating world. I can certainly attest to that. Learning how to interpret the signals that women send out (things that I just never noticed before) has made a dramatic difference in my love life. However, I think there is one gray area that you have yet to touch upon. The transformation from dating, to boyfriend, to exclusive. Each stage has its relative attributes that sometimes don't apply to the others. For example, when initially dating, you must maintain that mystique, that aura, that distance to make HER desire you. However, I think that this behavior becomes counter-productive around say, the two or at least three-month point. This is around the time where she should be feeling secure enough (assuming you'd like her to) to have that warm fuzzy girlfriend/boyfriend thing going on. But because you're continuing to be a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], she still doesn't have that feeling. She's not sure if she can trust you and she's not sure where she stands with you. So at what point should being a Challenge stop or slow down, or whatever? Thanks Doc, keep 'em coming. Nate -- who seeks deeper wisdom

doc love's answer Hi Nate. Great question. I'm glad that you do appreciate the power and importance of being a Challenge. Most men come on too heavy with women and push for too much too soon. They embarrass themselves. They use all kinds of ploys; they grovel and beg, seek approval, attempt to impress, brag, and try to talk women into liking them. Or, they pour their guts out while trying to show the woman how sensitive and vulnerable

they can be. They'll do anything to get intimate with women as quickly as they possibly can, whatever they think will work. What they fail to understand is that what women want more than anything, is the unattainable guy, the guy who is slightly aloof and enigmatic. To you Psych majors, the guy who's not trying. So when do you stop trying?

i feel all fuzzy inside So Nate, you understand the value of Challenge. Fantastic! But you think that being a Challenge becomes counter-productive after a few months? Wrong! If you follow "The System" and are consistently a gentleman with manners, class and high integrity, and you continue being a Challenge, after about sixty days, she will indeed have that warm fuzzy feeling. She will call you her boyfriend. She will be exclusive with you. She will love you and she will trust you as much as she's capable of with any man. (She wouldn't trust a man who was a non-Challenge any more than you wouldn't, after having spent the same amount of time with him.)

cast your spell When Challenge works its magic, her romantic Interest Level [degree of love] becomes very high. And when the woman has a high level of romantic interest in you, she feels safe and comfortable. Then she experiences all those wonderful romantic feelings that she's been longing to feel. She feels like she's been swept off her feet. You can't do any better than that, Nate. I just don't want you feeling as warm and fuzzy as she does Nate because if you do, then you will start coming on too heavy verbally, and you'll open up too much. Her Interest Level in you should be in the nineties and your Interest Level toward her should stay in the eighties. When your romantic Interest Level stays lower than hers does, you won't start getting too sweet and soft and syrupy, which would slowly erode her Interest Level in you.

if it ain't broke... Be aware, Nate, that as time goes by, your girlfriend will get to know you and your habits, what bugs you and what makes you happy. You will become less mysterious and more predictable without doing anything. So there's no need to change your basic love strategy. Continue to not tell her about painful things in your past. Continue to surprise her in clever ways. Continue to let her wonder about where she stands with you. Not whether you like her

or not. She wondered about that during the first sixty days. After that, you want her to wonder whether or not you're really gone over her the way she's gone over you... that's good!

...fix it a little Now, after you have been with a woman for a couple of months, there are certain Challenge strategies/behaviors that you can lighten up on. I'll give you a few examples from the many in "The System": 1) You can go ahead and leave a message on her answering service if you want to. 2) You can also talk to her on the phone just to have a fun chat. 3) You can take her out on a Friday or Saturday night. Things like that. But, always maintain a ratio of one "I love you" to every five she says to you. That will keep her on her toes AND keep her Interest Level high. Remember, guys, never go against the principles that made you a success with women to begin with.

Picking Up New Age Women Dear Doc Love, The other night, my buddy took me to this New Age event at a hotel ballroom in Santa Monica. It was called "An Evening With the Angels". The place was packed; there were about 400 people there. But the interesting thing was that there were only about 10 guys there, if that many. It was 98% women. Of course there were lots of older, not-so-attractive women there, but there were also many, many attractive young women present. I was actually blown away at the abundance of babes at this place. So my friend and I found a seat, and soon, the leader of the event, "Dr. Dina", appeared. She started wandering through the audience, doing "psychic angel readings" for various people. She would tell them things about their past and their future, and about how their loved ones who had passed away were with the angels or had become angels. It was pretty far-out stuff. I don't know if I believe any of it, but she was an interesting speaker, entertaining and funny.

easy prey After about an hour and a half, Dr. Dina announced a break. In the back of the ballroom were several tables piled with all of her books and tapes for sale. So all the women got up and swarmed around this makeshift bookstore. The point I'm getting at was that it was so unbelievably easy to talk to these women who were mingling around, checking out the books

and tapes. They were all chatty and friendly and open. Many of them actually seemed quite pleased and impressed that any men were there at all. Two different good-looking girls actually came up to me and asked me how I liked the presentation. Now, I know that "The System" says how important it is to get a girl's home phone number if you're interested. But I felt very uncomfortable about asking either of these girls for their number, even though one of them was touching me a lot. I just felt like I would be seen as a horny guy who was just trying to scam on chicks while everybody was there to be "angelic." It would have been so easy to hook up with those girls in that situation, like shooting fish in a barrel, but it also seemed like it somehow wouldn't be right to take advantage. So what do you think Doc? Did I wimp out or did I do the right thing? And what do you think about these New Age events in general as places to meet women? Conrad -- who's no angel

doc love's answer Hi Conrad, Congratulations Conrad, you've stumbled upon one of the greatest pickup secrets of the millennium. Almost all of those holistic, New Age hippy happenings are jam-packed with kitty kats. Why go to a club or bar where the male/female ratio is usually about 65/35, when you can be in an environment where the women way outnumber the men? In the love jungle it's really a numbers game, and anytime or anyway you can put the numbers more in your favor, I say, go for it! How do you land these spiritual women?

feel my feng-shui The other great thing about New Age/spiritual events is that peace and love and friendly good vibes are flowing there. And there's usually an atmosphere of sharing and mutual support that prevails. It's a much friendlier environment than the highly competitive dog-eat-dog atmosphere of so many nightclubs. And you will often find that many of the women in attendance are just pleased as punch that a few guys have shown up. Isn't that refreshing? To you Psych majors: you'll stand out. Conrad, you were at the right place at the right time, with "closing" on your mind. (For those

of you, who don't know, "closing" is a sales term for asking for what you want -- the order, in this case, the home phone number.) Your only problem is that you were sabotaging yourself by seeking approval and caring too much about the opinion of other people. What's the worst thing that could happen? Maybe one girl with low Interest Level [degree of love] might blow you off and think you were being inappropriate for being interested in dating while you're at a "spiritual" event. So what! Who cares what women with low Interest Level think?

no shame in the game Never be embarrassed about asking a girl for her home phone number. Never apologize for asking a girl for her home phone number. Never! Instead, use the ABC method: Always Be Closing. Any woman with a good attitude wouldn't fault you for asking for her phone number. (Except maybe if you met her at a funeral.) And in fact, even if she were happily married, she'd still take your request as a compliment. Just keep in mind that, not all, but some of these babes are going to be over the rainbow in woo woo land. So you'll have to weed out the loonies. But you'd be surprised how many attractive, intelligent and classy women are to be found in Deepak Chopra seminars, psychic fairs and astrology classes. Now Conrad, in a situation like the one you've described, if you're concerned about appearing like a scammer, it's best not to wander around during the break, searching for someone, as if you're lost. Instead, plant yourself in one spot, preferably next to a pile of books on "finding your soul mate."

it's written in the stars As various women whom you find appealing cruise by, say something to them like: "So, do you believe in soul mates?" If they have any interest, they'll keep the ball rolling. Then, just use those 5 magic words -- "What's your home phone number?" -- to seal the deal. Also, when you're at your next Angelic happening, make sure to participate and ask a question, or make a clever comment if you have the opportunity. You'll be more visible and you'll get more attention and interest coming your way, especially if you say something deep and meaningful. As every aspiring actress knows: If you want to sell yourself, you've got to get exposure. Remember, guys, whatever it takes!

If She Pays, Is She Not Interested?

Dearest Doc Love, I have been reading your articles and I am sorry to say that I find your replies contradictory, to say the least. As far as I can tell, you seem to think that the ideal woman is one who kisses a guy the moment she finds him attractive, and then falls into bed with him instantaneously -- a girl who is obviously a bit of a slut (in your eyes). And you also say that a girl who doesn't respond in this way isn't worth it because she is obviously not interested. Ever crossed your mind that she might be a bit shy? Maybe even a little hurt by the last "great guy" who trapped her into a relationship using a "strategy" (oh, and then tossed her aside because she didn't quite fit into the rules). Or perhaps she hasn't been dating for a while, so she might be unsure of how to go about these things.

who's in the driver's seat? I firmly believe in women taking control of their relationships, and I always offer to pay half the check on the first date. When I offer to pay the whole check, that makes a guy realize that there is no chance whatsoever. So what if Mr. Guy doesn't feel like the great hunter/protector when I pay my half? I'm not selling out anything for a crummy mid-evening dinner at a mediocre restaurant. If I want to kiss the guy, I will. I am not being paid to do it. Your comment on how "unromantic" it seems for a woman to pay half the check is way off. How romantic, exactly, do you expect things to be on a first date? First dates are not when the "fun" begins. First dates are about two tigers circling each other trying to work things out, one of the most nerve-wracking things you can do in your life! I actually think that "The System" that you teach is just encouraging exploitive ideas on how to treat the "fairer" sex. I also think that people will find that your advice and these "ideals" are rather antiquated. Yours in anticipation, Christy -- who thinks you are full of it

doc love's answer Dear Christy, If you went on a first date for dinner with a guy you were nuts about, you'd be delighted to have the 99-cent special with him at Taco Bell. The quality of the restaurant would be a nonissue. You'd be jazzed to just be spending time with him. You'd find it cute and charming to be dining on inexpensive Mexican food.

And I guarantee that you wouldn't be insisting on paying your fair share. Why not? Because you liked the guy! If all women on earth stopped going out with guys that they have no or soso interest in, and instead only accepted dates with guys whom they really liked, half the restaurants in America would fold. And Christy, you say that if you're not interested in a fellow, then you pay for the entire dinner check. I do not believe you. I think you are fibbing. No woman in modern history has ever paid for the entire dinner bill on a first date -- ever! Boy, she's gonna get it...

the timid tigress Now let's get something else straight. Anytime a woman says that she's "shy" or that she's "been hurt in the past" as a reason for why she doesn't want to kiss a guy, 98% of the time she's running a con job, just like you're trying to do Christy. It's a bunch of hooey . When she says, "I'm shy," it's Womanese for: I have no romantic interest in you! The other 2% of women who use the "I'm shy -- I've been hurt in the past" excuse are incapable of giving a gentleman a nice kiss at the end of a first date because they are wounded and mistrustful. So when a guy goes for the kiss, he's weeding out the ones who are uninterested AND also the ones who are emotionally unavailable. In this way, "The System" acts like a filter to protect a good man's heart.

no loosey gooseys And what's all this about my saying that certain women are sluts? I have never used that word. I challenge you to show me one sentence in any of my columns in which I even mentioned that a woman should go to bed with a guy before marriage. Christy, all I've been talking about is kissing. In fact, I'm the only love doctor who never talks about sex. You also say that men trap women into relationships. Men don't know how to trap. It's women who have been trained in the art of trapping since they were adolescents. And "The System" has nothing to do with trapping anyone. I'm teaching men how to court a woman properly, for the highest good of all concerned.

hear women roar A first date is like two tigers circling? Well, a guy and a gal who shouldn't be going out with each other to begin with would probably feel like adversaries on a first date. But I think that a LAMB and a tiger would be a more apt description, and the woman wouldn't be the lamb. There are just too many guys out there who get in over their heads, and they don't even know it.

And what do you mean a first date isn't meant to be fun? The fun had better begin on the first date. If it doesn't, why would a girl want to go on a second date with a guy? Christy, you believe in taking control in your relationships? Whatever happened to the idea of sharing and caring, working things out, and balanced communication? Besides all of this, you think that my advice is outdated? "Have manners, class, keep your hands to yourself, and be a good listener." If you think that those principles are antiquated, well then, call me a dinosaur. Remember guys, don't listen to what women say, instead, listen to me.

The 3 Biggest Mistakes Men Make Dear Doc Love, Hi, my name is Branden, I'm 28 and I manage a health food store near San Francisco. I've just started dating a girl I really like, Esmeralda. She's 24 and very pretty. We've had 3 fun dates so far. But, I'm kind of worried. My problem is that women keep flaking out on me by the fifth or sixth date and I do not know why. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that this has happened to me several times, but I would do anything to not lose this girl. She's really special. I'm a good-looking guy, and attractive women are definitely drawn to me. They seem to like me a lot at first, and then things usually just go downhill from there. I can sort of feel that the same thing might be starting to happen again with Esmeralda. God, I don't want to blow it this time!

i was ill-advised One of the guys who works with me told me that I should start reading your weekly column and that it would help me a lot. So I am, but in the meantime, I thought I'd go straight to the source and just get some advice from you directly. Doc, what do you think I could be doing wrong? I'm always real positive. Like on our last date, I held Esmeralda's hand and told her how beautiful I thought she was, and how attracted to her I am. She seemed to like that, but I'm not sure because she also seemed a little distracted at the end of the date. (A female friend of mine recommended that I say those things -- see how confused I am?) So, any advice you can give me would be super appreciated. Branden -- who doesn't want to go down in flames again

doc love's answer Hi Branden,

If you keep losing these girls, then you are indeed doing something wrong, probably several things. But take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your confusion. Most guys simply never receive any accurate info on how to relate to women from a place of power and mastery. Their models for manhood come from a mishmash of sports heroes, rock or rap musicians, and movie stars, most of whom are living in a fantasy world and have a twisted sense of values. Listen to me and you'll get it right...

hear me out, son Finding a model of manhood who's not an idiotic egomaniac, a macho moron or a screwup is a challenging task. And very, very few teenage boys have the good fortune to have fathers or big brothers in their lives that really understand women and know how to coach kids properly. Consequently, most guys find themselves adrift in the dating world, shooting from the hip and flying by the seat of their pants, using the trial and error method. (Always on trial and frequently NOT learning from their errors.) Branden, you need basic training, training that you've never been given. You've got to become street-smart, dude. But that's not going to happen if you keep taking advice from women. Women can tell you what they think they want from a man, but they are essentially incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to emotionally!

elementary dating rules So allow me to be your mentor and provide you with 3 simple but powerful principles that will transform your love life. Here they are: During the first 60 days of dating: 1) Do not come on heavy -- keep it light This means: Don't tell her how pretty she is or how much you like her, or that you'd like to see her again. Keep it positive Branden. Keep her laughing. Give her no more than one compliment per date. No gifts and no flowers, all of which she experiences as appeals for her approval. (Don't try to impress her.) Don't talk about your feelings for her or your romantic Interest Level [degree of love]. Instead, let her wonder where she stands with you. Remain mysterious. 2) Do not touch her -- let her do all the touching If a girl likes you, she will automatically begin to touch you and will increase the frequency of touching as she spends more time with you. If you try to raise her Interest Level by touching

HER a lot, your actions will backfire. You will inhibit her impulse to touch YOU. She will begin to feel uncomfortable, and she will withdraw from you. Most guys have absolutely no understanding of this principle of romantic relationships. Believe it or not, the less you touch her, the more she will want to touch you. 3) Do not mention or hint at the topic of sex. Way too many guys have a terrible habit of talking about sex on a date. If you start trying to get your date turned on by talking about sex, you will turn her off! Yes. I said, you would turn her off. Even if she makes jokes or hints about sex, don't jump on it like most guys do. Instead, playfully steer her away from the topic. Trust me, this will work to your advantage. Branden, if you begin practicing these 3 simple principles from "The System", your love life will improve immensely and you won't have to go down in flames ever again. Remember guys, start with the basics.

Don't Be Her Stooge Hello Doc, I was in a "let's be friends" relationship with a divorced woman with two boys. She was also nine years older than me but had the body and looks of a female my age (28). Anyway, I made it known from the beginning of the relationship that I was attracted to her and she made it known that she was not attracted to me "in that way". So, like an idiot, untrained in "The System", I told her I would become her friend and would try to hold back my attraction for her so that our friendship would grow into a wonderful platonic relationship. (Deep down though, I was hoping it would really grow into a full-blown romance.) For the next 10 months, I ended up doing all sorts of "friend" activities with her like walking on the beach with her kids, giving her tennis lessons, helping her around her house, and setting up a running schedule with her. Of course, this was all on her terms and her time schedule. I tried to date other women, but ended up talking to them about my "friend", and I couldn't help but compare all the women I was attracted to with my "friend". Of course, she would always win the comparison game so I would fall right back into my enslavement by her. I had even tried to ask her out on a romantic date at least five times, but she always seemed to have something else to do.

help, i'm in the friend trap! Recently, she started talking about some other guy and how she was always interested in him from the time she first laid eyes on him. (This guy is one of her best friend's ex-boyfriends.) Of course I was quite devastated to hear this, but in the name of "friendship", I decided to play along with her and be supportive. Then, all of a sudden, she would "forget" to return my calls because she was going out with this guy, and she also started talking about going running with him instead of me (he happens to be a personal trainer). Frantically, I tried to search for some solution to this potentially devastating heartache and started reading those corny self-help books in the bookstore. But, the fates smiled upon me and I came across an article you wrote about being "friends first", and I was so impressed with the accuracy and relevancy of everything you talked about that I ended up reading all of your articles that I could find. That's how I got the courage to end the "friendship" quickly and decisively before she ended it for me.

taking a stand I must have taken her by surprise because she invited me over to her house (again) to walk with her and her kids on the beach (one of her kids ALWAYS accompanied us on any type of activity). So when we got back to her house and the kids went to sleep, I told her that this "friendship" is ending tonight unless she could think of a solution for how I can remain a friend and lose my attraction to her. I even reminded her that I was attracted to her from the very beginning, and she said, "I thought you would grow out of it." After that I said, "Have a nice life!" and walked out without even looking back. I felt quite nauseated for the next two days, but I also felt a sense of relief and freedom because I know I did the right thing and conformed with reality. Now I'm ready to move on and not make the same mistake again. I just have one question from all this: Is it even possible for a guy to decrease Interest Level [degree of love] in a female while at the same time trying to develop a friendship with her? Chance -- who's grateful for your wisdom

doc love's answer Dear Chance, Congratulations. As it says in the Bible, "the truth shall set you free." Chance, you've seen the light and now there's no going back to confusion and rejection. To you Psych majors, the word "friend" is Womanese for: "I have no romantic interest in you."

So what does "friends" mean?

friends first, you last I can't tell you how many guys wrote in after the publication of my article, When She Wants To Be Friends First, to share that they have had experiences similar to yours. Many a guy has foolishly wasted his time and money on someone who couldn't care less about him, just because he looked at only his own Interest Level and never looked at the woman's level of interest. It's like building a skyscraper on sacred burial grounds. There are going to be problems. When you get emotionally involved with a woman who LJBF's you ("Let's Just Be Friends"), you're signing up for nothing but heartache. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that it takes two people with MUTUAL high interest in each other to make a romantic relationship. To you Psych majors, it takes two to tango.

do you need it in writing? To her credit, Chance, she did tell you up-front that you didn't have a chance. As the title of my weekly column says, Women Don't Lie -- Men Don't Listen . Either subtly or blatantly, directly or indirectly, women always let you know what their Interest Level in you is. You just have to learn to watch and listen properly. Only "The System" teaches you how to interpret a woman's signals accurately. In your case Chance, she was blatantly clear. You heard her, but you didn't listen to her. Now, an ethical person might ask: wasn't it her moral responsibility as a human being not to continue to take advantage of you? The average guy would feel extremely guilty and uncomfortable having a girl come over every weekend to wash his car and cook him dinner, all the while knowing that she had high romantic Interest Level in him and that he had no romantic feelings for her. Chance, you've woken up. Now you see that you were playing the part of the Stooge. The Stooge says to himself: "If I treat her really well, she'll begin to appreciate what a great guy I am, and she'll start to feel the same kind of romantic feelings for me, that I feel for her." Meanwhile he becomes her butler, babysitter and shoulder to cry on. Do not be the Stooge...

friends with benefits It's also fascinating to observe how so many women will enable men in disempowering themselves in this way. The women in this situation will almost never say, "Dude, don't you

have any self-respect?" They enjoy getting all the perks that go along with having a boyfriend, without having to commit to being in a real relationship. Men, please understand this: when you try to be the nice guy "in the name of friendship", you will only lose. Way too many of you guys convince yourselves that you are somehow being noble and gentlemanly by taking the Stooge path. Well, there's nothing noble or gentlemanly about selling yourself down the river.

can you handle the truth? In fact, in order to stay on this type of doomed course of action, you have to be very dishonest. I mean, dishonest with yourself. And when you emerge from your denial, you'll see that you've been angry, hurt and resentful for being taken as a chump. Ayn Rand would call it, "sanction of the victim." So Chance, you had one question: Is it even possible for a guy to decrease Interest Level in a female while at the same time trying to develop a friendship with her? Answer: Don't even go there. By the way, Chance, when you broke all ties to her, you did the right thing. Now you're ready to move on and find a woman who wants to spend time with you because she has a high level of romantic interest in you. Remember guys, you're there to be the boyfriend, not the Stooge.

The Key To Women Is Challenge Dear Doc Love, I've just finished reading a sampling of your articles and I've noticed a common theme that's bothering me. You keep saying, "Don't come on heavy." And I guess that means that you shouldn't tell a girl how beautiful you think she is, or that you have loving feelings for her, or that you want to spend more time with her. Well, I don't get it. Isn't it the man's job to be the pursuer? I've always found that the strongest way to win a woman over and court her is to make her feel adored. Compliment her a lot. Shower her with gifts. Write her love poems. Treat her like a queen. Let her know that you're crazy about her. Although I'm a very handsome guy, I've always put this kind of effort into romantically seducing women, and it works!

passive plan

I think that a woman needs to know that you're serious about her before she can fall in love with you. You seem to be saying that if you just keep her laughing, and hardly tell her anything about yourself or how you feel, she'll somehow magically start wanting you. I don't buy it. Your "System" is just too passive. A guy has to take charge and go for what he wants. Women don't want a guy who just keeps the conversation on a surface level. Women like it when you're passionate and romantic. Every serious relationship that I've had in my life has started by me taking action and being proactive. The way I wooed my last girlfriend was by sweeping her off her feet. That's what women want. You've got to come on strong, or you'll lose out to some other guy who has the balls to be brave and lay it on the line. Quentin -- who thinks that your approach is weak

doc love's answer Dear Quentin, Thanks for the compliment. You mentioned your "last" girlfriend. Where is she now? What happened? Since women do the dumping 90% of the time, I'd say that there's a very high probability that you were the one who got burned. Quentin, ask yourself: "Has my style of courtship led me to a long-term relationship with an amazingly wonderful woman who has a great attitude?" For you Psych majors, this means that men make the same mistakes from relationship to relationship, unless they do all the dumping. And Quentin, it doesn't surprise me at all to hear that women find you attractive. Generally speaking, the only guys who can (initially) get away with coming on like gangbusters out of the chute are the ones who are devastatingly handsome. At first, the woman is delighted that such a "catch" is demonstrating unusually high interest in her. (A guy who's a skinny beanpole and is so-so looking wouldn't get anywhere with the same approach.) So which approach should you use?

sinking hearts But as the weeks go by, the woman's Interest Level [degree of love] begins to sink. She may stick it out for a couple of months because she thinks that she should be with this guy. He's "everything she's always wanted" (at least on paper). He's a hunk and he's romantic and sensitive and expressive. But deep inside she's saying to herself, "Gee, I'm confused. My Interest Level should be higher." The truth is that her Interest Level is sinking like a damaged submarine. Why?

Because the game is over. Mr. Romance didn't give her anything to work for. How interested would you be in playing a poker game in which the players all had to show their hands up front? No intrigue. No mystery. No fun. Also Quentin, if you have to ask a girl to spend more time with you, then that means that her Interest Level is lower than yours and that the relationship is not going to last. You probably don't see it when that's the case, plus she doesn't tell you that that's what's going on. But, The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that is what's happening. You've got to start becoming more objective Quentin. Yes Quentin, your style of courtship is ultimately dooming you to disaster because showering women with gifts works only with mercenaries. Too many compliments and love poems work only with girls with low self-esteem. Treating her like a queen works only with women who want to dominate men. (Man, would I like to do a personality evaluation of all your former girlfriends!)

she chooses, not you Yes, it's true; "The System" is passive. One of the basic principles of "The System" is that the woman does the choosing. The man needs to learn when he's being chosen. In the relationships that go the distance, you'll find that the woman was checking the man out first, and it was the woman who fell in love first -- at least in her mind. It's really the woman who starts the relationship, and it's the woman who, one way or another, ends the relationship. So Quentin, when you say that you like to be "proactive", I can tell that you think that you're doing the choosing. You're not. Men do the picking, but women do the choosing. You CAN be proactive by making sure that your woman gets what she needs from you in order to fall and stay in love, which is a sense of Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. Challenge is magical. Challenge is romantic. Challenge is the most powerful aphrodisiac on the planet.

take me, i'm a steal! And yes, the man should be the pursuer, but he should not grovel on his hands and knees -not coming on like a car salesman who hasn't made his quota for the month. Your job as the pursuer is to simply have class and manners. Be a gentleman and make sure that she has more fun than a barrel of monkeys every time she's with you. The biggest complaint I hear from women over and over and over again is that guys get too serious too fast. They aren't lighthearted and playful enough. For you Psych majors, this means the man must take measured steps when he approaches a possible romantic relationship.

Quentin, your tricks may work in the short term, but I coach men for the long haul. So consider trying to keep it light and be a Challenge for the next 30 days. Then observe what happens. If you can set your ego aside and give my method an honest try, I know that you'll begin to experience the power of these principles in a big way. Remember guys, as the old showbiz adage says: Always leave 'em wanting more.

Is Brad Pitt Whipped? Dear Doc Love, I'm kind of frustrated with my marriage situation. (My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now.) It seems like we used to be very happy and loving and affectionate, but not so much these days. I don't even know if I can give you an explanation as to why things have changed. Maybe it's just what happens with time. I know that a lot of guys at work have the same complaint. I still feel very loving towards my wife, but she seems to have lost a lot of her motivation to be romantic with me. She's also become very critical of me, which she never used to be. The other day we were shopping together and she started arguing with me in front of a bunch of other people about how I should go on a diet. I was really embarrassed and ticked off too.

relationships go downhill There still are times when we get in a groove and things are more like they were in the good old days. But it doesn't seem to last long. It doesn't take long for her to go right back to letting me know that I've done something wrong. And telling her that I don't like the way she acts doesn't seem to have any impact. Then what happens is we hardly talk to each other for days at a time. I guess we both have a lot of resentment. I don't know if I'm being self-centered or not, but it seems like she's the one who's changed, not me. But I can't figure out why she's changed. Is it because of something that I've been doing wrong or is this just the normal thing to expect after you've been married a while? Could you please tell me if there is anything I can do to turn things around? Thanks Doc. William -- who longs for the good old days

doc love's answer

Hi William, As the actress Jacqueline Bisset once said: "Marriage is great for children, but it's hell on romance." In even the best of marriages, maintaining mutual respect and affection over the long haul takes real determination. Kudos to you William, for asking for advice as you find yourself in a not-so-great situation. Millions of guys just tough it out in unhappy relationships, year after year, without seeking any kind of help. Now William, if your wife's romantic Interest Level [degree of love] in you is still 51% or higher, then, with time, we can turn things around. If her Interest Level is 49% or lower, then it won't matter what we do, we're past the point of no return. The best thing you can do right now is follow my recommendations and see what happens. Doc's plan of action...

plan of attack Our two basic goals here are to: 1) Stop her nagging and make her regain her respect for you. 2) Get her to start chasing you for affection and intimacy. Nagging is the most underreported crime in America. Every guy in a relationship with a female, even a rich and powerful movie star like, say, Brad Pitt, has to deal with some amount of pushing, prodding, testing, and criticism from his wife. Even Jennifer Aniston is not always all sweetness and light. Women like to push, to check if there's anything solid there to push up against. The best way to stop a nagger in her tracks is not to react. Remember that, as the man in the relationship, you can never win an argument with your woman -- any woman. Why? Because they cheat. Even when you think that you've won, you really have lost. So don't even get into it. Don't respond. Don't allow her to get into a confrontation or start a debate with you. The man who passes the test is the man who refuses to be tested.

unwind the whiner When your wife starts her whining number, just smile and nod and then walk away. Walk out of the room. Get out of her space. As she begins to understand that she's not going to be able to intimidate you, that her nagging has no impact on you, there will be no motivation for her to continue. She's only been doing this because you've been rewarding her by getting upset. Now a happy wife who has high Interest Level in you is not going to be giving you constant zingers and criticism. Rather, she's going to be consistently sweet and affectionate. So a husband has to make sure that his wife's romantic Interest Level stays high. How did things

deteriorate to the point where your wife would rather nag you than make love with you? Well, the fundamental thing you did wrong is that you stopped being a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. You gave away your power.

don't be her patient Even in marriage, a man must continue to maintain a sense of Challenge in the relationship. That means that he should still be unpredictable, full of surprises, slightly mysterious and not always available in every way, every day. He must set limits and say "no" when appropriate. And he can't always just go along with his wife's agenda to get her approval. Additionally, he should let his wife initiate all touching, much of the time. And, he shouldn't tell her about all his personal fears and insecurities. Even leaking out little bits of information at a time, about one's personal doubts and frustrations, starts to take its toll. Too many men turn their wives into their therapists or mamas. Once they do that, they're asking for advice, and "advice" begins to switch over to criticism before you know it. The hero on the white charger doesn't need a psychotherapist. What do you need?

marriage confidential Making your wife your shrink is a surefire route to having her level of respect for you plummet. Even after 30 years of marriage, your wife shouldn't know everything about you. Oprah and Sally are telling men that they have to share "everything" with their spouses, but there's no law that says that you have to do what they say. One of the most destructive myths perpetrated in our popular culture is that the only way to really truly bond with your relationship partner is to share your deepest pain with them. NOT! Whenever possible, keep it light. Keep it positive.

super-challenging man Since things with you and your wife have deteriorated so badly, I'm going to recommend that at this point, you become a SUPER Challenge. Don't initiate ANY touching with her at all. Don't come on to her physically or verbally in any way. Even if you're dying for sex and affection, wait. When she feels you backing off, she'll slowly start coming to you. Once she does, don't automatically respond. Let her work for it. And when she begins to respond, don't just go back to your old pattern of being the supplicant. Keep working Challenge. Study "The System" to gain a deeper understanding of how to be a Challenge in the context of day-to-day life in a relationship. Let her chase you. It's for the highest good of all concerned.

While you're being a total Challenge, it's also important that you make sure to be respectful, lighthearted and humorous. Those are things that you should always be doing. In addition, be sure to withhold all physical affection and compliments or gifts until she starts initiating the affection herself, on a consistent basis, AND until she also stops the nagging -- the most unloving act. Assuming, William, that your wife's Interest Level is above 51%, you should be able to turn things around within 60 days. Once you do, then you can initiate the romantic behaviors, which should always be present along with Challenge in a long-term relationship.

she's your queen Those behaviors include things like making a "date" with your wife. Tell her to dress up, and take her somewhere exciting that she's never been to before, maybe dancing at the nicest hotel in town on Big Band night. But don't tell her where you're going ahead of time. Just take her there. (See how we're integrating Challenge with romance?) Be thoughtful and considerate. Always treat her as someone very special. Open the car door for her and pull out her chair at the restaurant, even if you've been married for 20 years. Surprise her with a flower or a card, or take her on an impromptu walk in the moonlight. Never fall into the pattern of taking her for granted. Keep things fresh by not putting pressure on your partner to do everything together. William, this is where you are hopefully headed in your marriage. Back to the place where you can enjoy being romantic. In order to get there, carefully follow my instructions above. Remember guys, in all successful long-term relationships, the man is consistently a Challenge.

Women Who Say They'll Call But Never Do What's up, Doc? For the last three months I've been trying what you recommend. I've been asking every single attractive woman that I meet (that I have any interest in) for her phone number. What's interesting is that I've run into a lot of girls who won't give me their number but ask for mine. The problem is that not one of the girls who has asked for MY number (and there's been about fifteen since April) has ever called me -- not one. I don't get it. I mean, I can understand why a girl might not want to give her number out to a guy she barely knows at all. But if they're

never going to call, then why do they even ask for my number in the first place? I know that one of women's biggest complaints is that guys ask for their number and then never call. Well I'm here to tell you that women do the same thing! So what's the deal, Doc? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I should be saying when I give them my number that would make them actually follow through and dial my digits? What do you think? Lloyd -- who just doesn't get it

doc love's answer Hi Lloyd, As they say in Australia, "good on ya" for having the guts to close so many cuties for their phone numbers. All of you guys have to get how vitally important it is to become totally comfortable saying the 5 magic words: "What's your home phone number?" Why? Because it is the first time you check her Interest Level [degree of love]. Now Lloyd, based on "The System", allow me to clear up your confusion. Below is a breakdown of the six types of women you will encounter when you're out in the field, closing for their home phone numbers. You've probably run into most of them in your new adventures, but now you are going to have a full understanding of their behavior.

the 6 types 1-- Women who give you their number despite the fact that they have no interest in you whatsoever, and hope that you never will call. They give you the number to placate you and get rid of you. Why do they do this? Because they can't say the "N" word (No) to your face. They want to look good. They still want your approval. They don't want you to think that they are unkind. They've been taught that the male ego is fragile and that they have to always make nice. So they'd rather give you the number, and then have you leave 27 messages and turn you down passively by screening their calls and never returning yours. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that the answering machine -- because it screens out the flies -- is their favorite weapon. 2-- Women who get sadistic pleasure out of giving men false hope. They give their number out to every guy who asks for it. Then they have wine and cheese parties for their girlfriends, where they all sit around and laugh themselves silly as they play back the messages of the various "chumps" of the week. These poor guys naively believed in their heart that their potential date was sincere when she exuberantly said: "Call me!"

Have you picked up any of the following women?

more female types 3-- Women who will give you their number and will go out with you, but still have no interest in you (Professional Daters). They'll run up your Visa bill even though you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever having a relationship with them. 4-- Women who won't give you their number, but still like to waste your time and manipulate you with various excuses, explanations and confusing maneuvers, i.e.: "I don't give out my number to guys I don't know, but give me yours and I'll call you." Women in this group are also incapable of saying no to your face. 5-- Women who won't give you their number, but are honest and say: "Thanks for asking but I'm not interested, so I won't waste your time by giving you my number." A rare breed. There are only about six or seven women on the entire face of the planet who would be this forthright. 6-- Women who give you their number because they are interested in you and want to go out with you. For some strange reason, they give it to you along with positive body language and without hesitation.

how to handle the situation Lloyd, to answer your question specifically, the only thing you're doing wrong is believing these women when they tell you that they'll call. You want to be spending time and energy only on women who have high interest in you, and a woman with high interest in you will not ask you for your number without giving you hers. So the next time a girl says, "Give me your number and I'll call you," here's what to do. First, realize that you've already been disqualified. You're going down in flames even though she's trying to make it look as if you're not. But since you are, relax and have fun with it. Look her in the eye and say, "Do guys still fall for that line?" Or, "You know, I don't feel comfortable giving my number out to someone I don't know either." Then give her a big smile, say "Nice talking to you," and walk away. Remember, guys, always ask for the HOME phone number.

Do Not Talk About Sex!

Dear Doc, I'm addicted to the show Blind Date . Here in Los Angeles, it's on twice a day, once at six and then again at eleven. Each show is different and it is absolutely fascinating to watch, even more so now that I have an understanding of "The System." One of the things that has really struck me since I've gotten hip to your philosophy is seeing how many different guys bring up the subject of sex, or make sexual innuendoes on the first date. I would say that eight out of ten guys do it. And, just about every single time they do, you can see the girl either cringe or back away, or look disappointed or annoyed, or even get insulted, depending on the way that the guy brings up the subject.

men should listen to you I know that you say to never talk about sex at all during the first sixty days of dating. When I heard that, I knew you were right but after watching many, many episodes of Blind Date , I really see how it backfires every time. I have never seen it work to the guy's advantage in any way. It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it? So why do us guys talk about sex on a first date so frequently? And why do we continue to do it throughout the date, even when it's blatantly obvious that the woman is getting turned off? How have we all become so programmed to think that we have to be Mr. Sexy and that women like it, when they obviously don't? Please, Doc, share your insight. Donovan -- who just wants to know why

doc love's answer Hi Donovan, I'm glad that your awareness level has gone up. You've done what most guys are unable to do; you've set your ego aside. When you're able to do that you can see things as they really are, not how you think they should be. Way too many guys think that talking about sex, nudity and private bodily functions on a first date is a positive, helpful thing to do. But, as we observe people's behavior from an objective perspective, the brutal truth is revealed: talking about sex on a first date is destructive. Check out what some guys have actually said on first dates.

learn from others I'll tell you Donovan; I've watched numerous episodes of Blind Date myself. It's quite entertaining and educational too. I'm able to determine, as soon as the door opens, whether the guy has a chance or not, because I can read the subtleties of body language. I can predict the

outcome of the date way before the guy torpedoes the whole deal by making an erotic innuendo in the first minute and a half. So I definitely encourage you to continue watching the show. You can learn a great deal from it. Keep fine-tuning your body language reading skills, and see how early into the segment you can "call it" as to whether or not the guy is going to get a really nice kiss at the end of the date. (The host almost always comments on the type of kiss the guy got from the girl, or the absence of one.) And, yes indeed, it is absolutely mind-boggling to see how many guys, time after time after time, sabotage any chance they have with the woman by talkin' trash.

what were they thinking? Here are some actual examples of the types of things guys have said, from episodes of Blind Date that were broadcast. They range from subtly uncool to quite crass to downright disgusting:  "Where's the strangest place you've ever made love?"  "Have you ever considered working as a stripper?"  "I can see that you sure do take good care of your... body."  "Have you ever run naked on the beach?  "So how many different guys have you been with?"  "My oh my, you do have a fine booty."  "You're a teacher? Hmmm -- I guess every college freshman's fantasy is to have sex with his beautiful teacher."  "So did you hear the one about the frog who couldn't stop farting?" Yes, Donovan, the average guy seems to have the idea that if he makes juvenile comments about his date's body, that she will think that he is clever and confident. He thinks that she will experience him as being extra masculine and gutsy if he tells a tasteless joke. But Mr. Macho Boy is an idiot. His behavior is having the opposite effect of what he imagines, plus, he fails to read her negative signals, facial expressions and body language. Why do men talk trash on dates?

it's the media I tell you! How has the American male become brainwashed into thinking that this kind of behavior is productive? I lay much of the blame on Hollywood and the music industry. In fictional

fantasy La La Land, the hero gets away with all kinds of things that would never play in real life. In rap videos, the music star bumps and grinds and talks trash, while hordes of gorgeous women do nothing but worship him. It doesn't take much exposure to this kind of craziness to warp your values. Hollywood brainwashing, along with a lack of positive mentors and role models for boys, no fathers in the home, and an overall lack of education about manners, are the other contributing factors. Donovan, tell all your buddies that they do not gain anything by talking about sex on a date. When they do, they do not become more interesting or charming or sexy.

talk trash, get dumped If a girl has super high Interest Level [degree of love] in a guy, then she'll overlook these kinds of comments, but, they still do nothing to raise her Interest Level in him. On the average first date, the guy starts out with the girl having about 60 to 70% Interest Level in him at best, so he cannot afford to go down that risqué road. Talk of sex or nudity or intimate bodily functions is high-risk activity. About 95% of the time, nice girls, even ones who read Cosmo , don't want to talk about something so personal and intimate with someone they don't know. How would you like if some guy went out with your little sister and started talking about "getting laid" on the first date? You'd want to punch his lights out wouldn't you? So, never bring up the subjects of race, religion, politics, or sex on a date, because we don't want you to get into an argument, and win, and then lower the woman's Interest Level. Remember guys, you never want to tell her what's really on your mind.

Don't Let Her Telephone Tricks Confuse You Hi Doc, I've been reading your column for close to 3 months now. You're the best! I've found the advice in your articles and "The System" to be extremely helpful (like a road map). I've asked my friends what they think of my situation and they're stumped. So any advice of yours would be very much appreciated. I've been dating a "10" for about 5 weeks now. She's recently divorced (about 1 year ago), and a single mother of a 3-year-old. Physically, she's a knockout, head turner, supermodel, whatever -- she's absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and over the last few

months, I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me, and I had caught her "looking" a number of times.

right signals, no deal By the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on, we continued to see each other outside of the gym about once per week, for a total of 5 dates. On each date, I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself, and make good eye contact. Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for a third date, she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were "tentative." Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she couldn't go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm. Drawing from your advice, I stayed cool and didn't call her back. On the fourth day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn't think she didn't want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple of days later. She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought so. I didn't come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big. She seemed really interested throughout all of our dates.

three's a crowd The problem is I'm not sure if I didn't come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the gun. But I hope that I haven't played too hard to get. After our last date, we didn't kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it might be better if I didn't attempt anything. Granted I don't have any experience with dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can't tell how well a date is going when she brings her child along. She brought her kid with her on the third and fifth dates. It seems that during a date with the kid coming along, the attention goes to the child. So, I cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The dinner was good, conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well. I left her that night by saying good night to her and her kid, and offering to give her a call. She said yes and smiled.

she's backing off She hasn't called me (it's been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing most of the calling). Also, she hasn't been in the gym (only when I'm not there, and she knows my

schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we first started dating. Feeling like maybe I wasn't showing enough interest and maybe turning her off, I left a phone message on the fifth day to see how things were going, as she is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend. It's now the sixth day and I haven't heard back from her. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but it seems like all of a sudden things have "shut off," like she has lost interest. Any help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc! Thank you. Leroy -- who is really confused

doc love's answer Congratulations Leroy, you've obviously made improvements in your dating skills and you've had some good insights. As you mentioned, you really can't tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her child along. During the first 60 days of dating, it's vitally important that all your dates with a woman consist of just the two of you, one-on-one. No double dates with other couples. And we don't want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along either. Which other dating rule did Leroy break?

two is always company All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic atmosphere. Plus, as you've experienced, it's difficult to get an accurate reading on a woman's Interest Level [degree of love] in you when she's having to consider other people's needs and expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big win for you. But Leroy, you've only been using part of "The System" and that is why you've only been partially successful. I'd have to give you a "C" grade in the Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] department. But a "C" is just not going to cut it with a "heavy" girl like this. We've got to get your performance grade up to the "A" level.

it's her move So let's start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, you're not supposed to "show" interest. She already knows that you're interested in her. Why? Because you keep asking her out!

If a woman kept calling you every week and picked you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of interest. So the "problem" is not that you didn't come on heavy enough. The problem is that SHE didn't come on heavy enough! You cannot raise a woman's interest level by coming on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that you're the one, SHE will start getting serious. She'll come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that the man does the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by being a Challenge -- all the time. Look like a Challenge while on the phone...

the telephone game Now let's get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because you've made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counteroffer instead of waiting for her to come up with one. By doing that, you made yourself look too eager, like a guy who just got out of prison. Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to "get back" to you. Plus, you accepted a "maybe" date. That's very weak. By doing that, you're letting her know that you're "on call" for her. You let her know that she has no competition. You've got to learn to become more mysterious and less available, Leroy. In love, you do not get what you deserve, but what you negotiate.

here's what you do: Now let's deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off, it's time for you to back off more. Don't worry about whether she calls you or not. Don't worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues. Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more messages). Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying "The System" to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while you're in the trenches. And keep in mind that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the woman makes it happen.

Remember, guys, you gotta keep 'em guessing.

Can You Be Too Nice To Women? Dear Doc Love, I am a tad troubled by what I've been reading in your column. You talk a lot about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don't seem to address the issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many girls, this is becoming all too common. I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully. She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of the blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her. How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.

women are hypocrites I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She responded with, "I thought then that I deserved it." With me, she never thanked me for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and towards the end, was very abusive to me. This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends. And if my friends and I have had that problem, then you can bet on the fact that most other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as well. Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed, and it is my hope that you will address the topic in your column ASAP. Manny -- who is tired of not being appreciated

doc love's answer Dear Manny, What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn't had therapy and recovery) is simply not good

relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you don't want her becoming the mother of your children. As soon as any woman whom you're dating starts telling you stories about how her ex-boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit. Why are they bad news?

you just can't win If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to) provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul thrives on. What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts earnestly trying to prove that not all men are bastards by being extra nice to her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn't light her fire. Sound familiar, Manny? Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse, and feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships. Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling often unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy behavior.

avoid abuse So Manny, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated with respect? It's not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex) girlfriend, do like to be "kicked around." Fortunately, there are plenty out there that don't. But Manny, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this relationship. You're complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men. Well, wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask yourself: "Why did I stay with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?"

sweet vs. nasty Now, Manny, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves drawn to guys who don't always treat them so well, guys who have little or no respect for women?

In order to explain this phenomenon, I'm going to divide the pool of non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three distinct categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these categories, but I'm rigidly dividing them for educational purposes. Which type are you?

#1 - The Nice Guy First, there are a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] at all. We call this type of guy The Nice Guy, The Wimp or The Teddy Bear Guy. This chap wears his high Interest Level [degree of love] on his sleeve. He'll do anything to gain a woman's approval. He's needy and clingy and is always trying to please and impress. He's too open and too vulnerable too soon. He's overly considerate and places the woman's needs before his own. He's often so whipped and brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things like ask a woman for her permission to kiss her. You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women's romantic fantasies. He is not a turn-on -- in fact, he's quite the opposite.

#2 - The Positive Challenge What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self-assured and selfsufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of setting limits and saying "no" to a woman when it's appropriate. Women want a guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises. The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart (after she proves she's trustworthy). I call this second type of man The Positive Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their relationships with women.

#3 - The Negative Challenge Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is self-obsessed, self-absorbed and just plain selfish. He's a user, a taker, and not a giver. He only says "yes" to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed off. He doesn't keep his word. You can't count on him. You can't trust him. He's too unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can't be controlled and he's anything but boring. He's known as The Jerk, The Rat or The Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.

Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why? Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as strong and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on strength qualities in a man. This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don't appreciate a nice guy and prefer to be with jerks. Women are drawn to strength qualities in men first. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.

find the perfect balance Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims. They're desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry for a Challenge even if he doesn't come in the ideal form. Now let's leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this situation, the greater the woman's self-esteem, the more likely she would be to go for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem is so-so, then she might go for the guy who is somewhere in between the two. Now that you're single again, my advice to you, Manny, is to no longer go out with abusive women who've been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study "The System" to learn how to be a Positive Challenge. Remember guys, all women love a Challenge.

You Must Wait A Week To Call Her Dear Doc Love, I've been reading your column every week for a few months now. I agree with a lot of the things you say. I think that you are right when you say that women prefer a guy who is not needy and who is a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], as you call it. But some of the things that you recommend to do just seem a bit extreme.

For instance, you say that after a guy first meets a girl, he should wait a whole week before he calls her. Well I've tried that now a total of four times in the last month and in every case, when I waited a full seven days to call the girl, she either seemed annoyed that I waited so long or she just about forgot who I was. None of the four girls accepted a date with me, even when I apologized for waiting so long to call. One of them even said: "When you didn't call, I thought you weren't interested. I'm seeing someone else now."

too long to wait I can see how waiting a few days is better than calling the very next day. But especially if I meet a girl who really likes me, I think she would be hurt and insulted if I waited so long. And what good is that? I would really like to hear you explain better why you think waiting a week is the right thing to do because as far as I can tell, it's not! Stanley -- who needs an explanation

doc love's answer Dear Stanley, You must understand that "The System" is not about just getting a girl to go out with you. And it's not about "scoring." It's a methodology that supports you in finding a woman who is potential committed-relationship material and then determining whether or not she truly is The One. Now in order for her to qualify as the woman of your dreams, she has to demonstrate two crucial qualities:

quality #1 First of all, she has to have a high level of romantic interest in you (70% or greater) from the get-go. If she's potentially your soul mate, she will recognize what a great guy you are when she first meets you. You won't have to try to get her to appreciate you. And by the time you say goodbye to her, she will already have used her powerful feminine intuition to discern that you and she have romantic chemistry and she'll be eager to explore the possibilities. And the second crucial quality...

how much does she like you?

One of the powerful tools that "The System" provides you with, to make sure that a particular woman's level of interest is in this higher range, is the "wait a week to call" strategy. If she really likes you, she will be undaunted by the fact that you waited more than twice as long to call her than any other guy she's ever met in her life. In fact, she'll be intrigued, which raises her Interest Level [degree of love]. Now if a woman's Interest Level in you is 49% or lower, she will have forgotten about you when you call after a week, but we want to weed out women like these. You don't want to be spending time with a woman who would have forgotten about you after a week because that means she doesn't dig who you are to begin with! The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that it is impossible for a woman with high interest to forget about a guy in seven days. To prove my point, let's reverse the situation. Imagine a world where women were the ones who asked guys for their phone numbers. In that scenario, if you met a girl who you really clicked with and then she waited a week to call you, would you blow her off? If Julia Roberts met you at a party and got your number, and waited seven days before she rang, would you say to her, "Sorry Julia, I lost interest in you because you waited too long to call"? Of course not!

quality #2 The second crucial quality that a woman must demonstrate in order to qualify as the future Ms. Right is that she must be flexible. Why? Because if you become involved with an inflexible woman, someone who is not lighthearted and easygoing, you're going to wind up being miserable, like millions of American men. A girl who is uptight, structured and insecure may come up with a whopper like, "When you didn't call, I thought you weren't interested, I'm seeing someone else now." As if, in the course of the last seven days, she went from being completely available, to meeting someone, arranging a date, going out with him, falling in love, and is now going steady with him. What are the odds of that?

no "i'm sorry"s Stanley, can you see now that all four of your potential dates had low interest in you or were inflexible, or both? But don't let it get you down. Dating is a numbers game. Stay on course. I guarantee that you will find a woman who has high interest in you if you keep utilizing the strategies that I recommend. Just make sure if you get any more flack that you don't apologize again for waiting a week to call. That's not a confident move, plus it makes you look weak. Remember, guys, to weed out the strokers, wait a week to call.

The Key To Women Is Mystery Hi Doc, I'm very impressed with your relationship course. Before I got your information, I was doing all kinds of stupid things with women. Man, I mean I didn't have a clue. And even worse, I didn't know that I didn't have a clue. You've really opened my eyes and I've really got to thank you big time for that. There is one point in "The System" that I just can't quite get a grasp on though, at least not yet. It's really a philosophical issue. Okay, this is it: If the man is the aggressor, the initiator, the risk taker in the dating dance, then how is it possible for the woman to see him as a mysterious Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], as you say to be? If I ask a girl for her phone number, then that tells her that I'm interested. If I try to kiss her, then she really knows I'm interested. At this point she is no longer wondering if I'm interested or not because I've made it clear by my actions that I am. I understand that when I don't tell a girl how much I like her then I'm being a Challenge in that way. But if I'm the one who's doing all the calling, driving to pick her up, planning the date, paying for everything, and making all the moves for intimacy, doesn't all that spoil any sense of mystery/challenge that I've tried to build? How am I able to be a Challenge when I'm the one (not her) who has to put myself on the line? I think you see what I'm getting at. So what do you say to all that, Doc? Derek -- who needs to understand

doc love's answer Hi Derek, Yes, it's true that it's the guy who has to walk up to the girl, make her laugh and ask her out. That's the way it is. What a wonderful world it would be if all any guy had to do was show up and look good, and women would consistently risk rejection in approaching him and asking him out. But despite all the clamoring for "equality" by the Feministas over the past decades, very little has changed as far as women sharing some of the risk of rejection in the dating game. Why would women volunteer to be the ones to put their egos on the line when they don't have to?

down boy!

But since it is our job as men to be the aggressors, we should be aware that we have choices when we're out there in the trenches. When we're approaching a woman, we can come on like a hungry pit bull, or we can come on with class and confidence. Yes, Derek, when you as the man take the risk to ask a woman out, you are making it clear that you want her. There's no mystery in that. But you don't have to let her know that you haven't had a date in six months while you're asking her out. And believe me, there are plenty of guys out there who have that kind of desperate air about them when they're approaching women. The key to success with women is to reveal the least amount of interest possible while you're taking action to close the deal. To you Psych majors: keep your mouths shut about your feelings and insecurities. For instance, you're the one who has to walk up to the woman and strike up a conversation. But once you do, you can wait for her to ask you for your name first. You can also refrain from telling her how hot she looks even if she makes Cindy Crawford seem homely.

keep your cool You're the one who has to ask her for her phone number, but there's no law that says you have to call her within 48 hours like every other horn dog would. You're the one who has to call her up and ask her out. But when you call, you don't have to say, "Hello Caprice, this is Derek, we met at Sally Smith's party last week and we had a nice conversation about environmental awareness." Instead you can simply say, "Hey Caprice, it's Derek," and then shut up and see if she has a clue as to who you are. And you're the one who goes for that first kiss when you hope the timing is right, but you don't have to tell her how much you like her when she reciprocates. So Derek, the fact is that you can make all the moves necessary to meet a girl, get her out on a date and connect with her, and still be a Challenge. Remember guys, always play it cool even though you are dying on the inside.

Never Ask Women What They Want Hi Doc, I just read that 47,000 women answered People magazine's reader's poll on the subject of what women want in men. They reported that the most important attribute for a man to have is a

sense of humor, according to 43%; 31% value sensitivity first; 19% say intelligence; 6% rank good looks first; and just 2% say money is most important. Once the guy gets her phone number, 47% of women expect him to call within 24 hours, and 47% will wait up to three days. Only about 5% are still willing to hear from him after a week. I'm curious about your take, Doc. What do you think? Which is the truth and which is the brainwashing, according to "The System"? Gordon -- who wants to know if women are capable of communicating what they actually want

doc love's answer Hi Gordon, Brainwashing, yep, you can say that again. As usual, the politically correct Feministadominated media has come up with a bunch of half-truths when it comes to understanding women. Why? To confuse you guys even more than you already are. Remember that trying to find out what women want by asking them is like trying to get Gary Condit to tell you how he honestly feels about marriage and commitment. You'll get an answer, but it won't have much to do with reality. I have interviewed thousands of women and not one ever said to me: 1. I want a man whom I can't control. 2. I want a man who, when I test him, does not give in. 3. I want a man who keeps me guessing. But you will see many women in long-term committed relationships with guys who have these traits. Okay Gordon, now let's go over this list so I can un-brainwash you and the rest of mankind. Let the process begin...

want the truth? Yes, most women do prefer a guy with a sense of humor. When a guy is able to consistently make a woman laugh, it shows her that he is confident and also fun to be with. And as we all know, girls just want to have fun. But the idea that a sense of humor is the number one attribute that women look for in a man is a bunch of malarkey.

In order for a woman to even give a hoot whether you have a sense of humor, she first has to find you physically attractive. If she's not physically attracted to you, you can be more hilarious than Robin Williams on speed and you still won't have a chance for romance with her. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that you have to pass (her) Physical Attraction Test in order to get to first base. If a sense of humor were really the trait that women found most important in men, then all the funny guys who look like Danny DeVito would be as successful with women as all the handsome hunks.

good looks and sensitivity It's fascinating to observe how reluctant women are to admit how important looks are to them -- as evidenced by these poll results. You don't necessarily have be the hunk from heaven, but in order to click with a particular chick, you need to have a look that she likes or you ain't gonna get the love boat out of the dock no matter how hard you paddle. The poll results revealed that 31% of women say they value "sensitivity" foremost. Now there's a loaded word if I ever heard one. What do they mean by "sensitivity"? They don't explain it, do they? What a woman usually means when she says she wants a "sensitive" guy, is that she wants a guy who will share all of his emotional pain, will dutifully listen to her complaints about everything and will happily take orders from her. Of course this type of guy is always getting rejected or he is kept around as a dartboard for all of her zingers. You see, Gordon, more female propaganda.

when to call So almost half of the women who responded to the poll expect a guy to call within 24 hours? Yeah, they expect a guy to call within 24 hours because 90% of men can barely even wait that long before they call. Unfortunately, thousands of guys are going to read those poll results and will feel even more justified in jumping the gun as they always do. And according to the poll, only 5% of women are willing to hear from a guy after a week. False! It would have been much more helpful and revealing if the People pollsters had asked those women a question like: "Have you ever had a relationship with a guy who waited a week or longer to call you? If so, why did you date him even though he waited that long?" Then we would have gotten some valuable information.

stupid and poor, sure! 19% (1 in 5) want intelligence. Does this mean that 4 out of 5 women are looking for stupid life-long partners? And now guys, for the biggest whopper of them all. According to the poll, only 2% (1 in 50)

of women are gold diggers. How does that jive with your experience? How many women have asked you, "What do you do?" Remember: don't get brainwashed by the polltakers' questions and women's answers.

Beware Of False Love Doctors Dear Doc, I've really been enjoying your column. Before I found you, I had been taking the advice of several other love doctors, almost all of them female. (It seems that most of the relationship "experts" in the general media are women.) And I've got to tell you that I was given a lot of bogus information. Now that I understand "The System," I realize that many of these so-called "experts" were totally wrong about all kinds of things. It's actually painful to see how much time I've wasted following their advice. In the interest of helping my brothers out there who are trying to understand women, I am including some "tips" from one particular female love doctor who really had me on the wrong track. (I guess it's probably better not to mention her real name; we can just call her Dr. Lu Lu.) Maybe you would like to publish this and then point out the misconceptions that she's selling. I think I know what's wrong with her logic, but I may have missed something. Check it out: Things a Man Should Do to Get a Second Date By Dr. Lu Lu Ph.D. 1. If you are nervous, don't try to hide it. Women adore men who are aware of their own emotions and who are not afraid to share them. A simple, "I have to admit that I feel a little nervous tonight" is endearing. Also, once you acknowledge your own anxiety, it tends to lessen. 2. Give her a genuine compliment, but make sure that it cannot be interpreted in a sexual way. It is risky to tell a woman on a first date that she has sexy lips. It's far better to tell her that she has a pretty face. A man who cannot keep his sexual desires under wraps on a first date may turn off many women. 3. Touch her heart. Bring her a small gift if you can think of something cute, clever or profoundly simple (e.g., a toy for her dog or a few flowers).

So, go ahead and rip into her for me will ya, Doc? Thanks. Rufus -- who wants to help spread your wisdom.

doc love's answer Hi Rufus, Thanks, guy. You've given us a fantastic example of some of the horribly dangerous information that's out there. Let's take apart these "tips" that you sent me, one at a time. First of all, if you are out on a date and you find yourself feeling nervous, you should certainly acknowledge it (inwardly) and you should keep your mouth shut about it. Deal with it, but don't tell your date that you feel nervous. Just that one simple confession could put the kibosh on any potential romance. What else is wrong?

strike 1: i'm nervous The first date is like a job interview where you must come off as cool and confident. Many of us are nervous on a first date, women included. But why bring it up? It's a negative, and by disclosing it you're putting yourself down. It may lessen your anxiety to get it off your chest but doing so will lower her Interest Level [degree of love] in you. You can "share your emotions" after she's fallen in love with you.

strike 2: compliments Next, let's look at compliments. One compliment per date is okay . That's it. And it certainly should not have any sexual connotations whatsoever. But I absolutely do not recommend telling a hot looking woman that she has a pretty face. You gain nothing by it. It does not raise her romantic Interest Level in you. She hears that same compliment about fifteen times a day -- every day -- and when you tell her she's pretty, you automatically get added to the list of salivating suitors who have said the same thing to her over and over again. Your job is to make her think you are different. Whoever said it is the man's responsibility to be the one who gives the compliments? Do female love doctors ever encourage women to give the man a compliment on the first date???

strike 3: gifts Let's go to the last "tip" about gifts. Here Dr. Lu Lu isn't peddling any half-truths. Her advice on this subject is totally, miserably deluded. As my Uncle Jethro Love says: "If you're going to bring a girl a gift on the first date, you might as well just write the word 'Chump' on your forehead."

When you show up with a gift on a first date, you come off as a lonely loser who is desperately trying to make a good impression. Gifts can come after sixty days once a relationship has been established. But gifts should never be used as a ploy to raise Interest Level. Besides, any gift coming from you has no meaning to her since you are basically a stranger. Remember, guys, beware of false love doctors.

Can't She Stop Talking About Her Exes? Hi Doc, I have the greatest girl in the world. Cindy and I have been dating for over 18 months. She's a giver, she's flexible and she's as honest as a nun. We are constantly having fun and the conversation never dries up. Our families are close, and everyone assumes that we will get married. But as you say in "The System": "There are no clean deals." And I'm hoping that you can shed some light on my situation. The problem is that Cindy keeps talking about her old boyfriends. I know you probably think that she's rubbing them in my face, but she actually isn't. She feels that honesty means openness about everything. She inadvertently brags about what great things these guys have done, and I could not care less.

yada yada yada I've tried ignoring it when she starts rhapsodizing about these guys. It's mainly two different ones and ignoring it doesn't seem to discourage her. And to be honest, it's starting to get on my nerves. I'd like to tell her that it bothers me and ask her to stop. But I'm afraid that if I tell her that it bothers me, she'll think I'm insecure and she won't see me as a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. I know how important you say it is to always be a Challenge. So how should I handle this Doc? Tom -- who doesn't want to hear about her old boyfriends

doc love's answer Hi Tom,

Women often complain that their dates or boyfriends talk too much about their former girlfriends, but many women are equally guilty of the same indiscretion. (Women also hate it when men look at other women.) A considerable number of gals seem to think that being honest means being open about everything. But honesty and openness are two different things -- that's why they're spelled differently. You can be honest without being open, and it's better not to be open about your former lovers. Whether you're a man or a woman, sharing all kinds of details about your past relationships with your current partner is the opposite of romantic -- it's also unloving. It serves no positive purpose. And most important, it's disrespectful to the other person. Get her to keep it to herself...

be the joker Tom, although your girlfriend is naïve and is not purposely being unkind to you, she has to "get it" that her behavior is starting to jeopardize your relationship. So here's what I recommend: First, use humor to give her the big hint that what she's doing ain't Kosher. For instance, when she starts going on and on about what a fantastic singer her ex, Jimmy, is, you say: "Oh yeah? That's interesting. My ex, Cassandra, used to be a backup singer for Sting until she couldn't deal with his ego anymore. But you should hear her voice; she makes Christina Aguilera sound like Phyllis Diller. I think Cassandra is such a great singer because she has an amazing lung capacity." And then wink at your girlfriend like Dennis Quaid would, and walk out of the room. Let her wonder whether you were for real or not. Try the humor strategy up to five times (each time you would use a different silly story), and then if she still doesn't see the light, you can try simply telling her that her behavior bothers you and that you'd like her to stop. By doing this, you are still being a Challenge because you are saying "no," setting limits, and insisting that she be respectful. You can tell her twice to cool it if you have to, but don't do it a third time because that would make you a nag.

does she get it? Hopefully she'll get the drift by this point. If she still continues with her unloving behavior, we would then move to the hardball, ultimatum stage. (As a general rule, I do not recommend using ultimatums. However, sometimes they are necessary when all else fails and your partner is not responding to more gentle proddings. You have to know if she'll get in line before you say, "I do.") So here's what you can do as a last resort: As soon as she starts in again with the anecdotes about her former lovers, look at your watch and say, "oops, I just remembered I have an appointment" (even if it's 10pm), and then leave abruptly. Don't call her for a week. If she

calls you, let her talk to your answering service. If she doesn't wake up after all that, Tom, then her head is made of concrete.

Why Are Women Conniving? Dear Doc Love, As a single, attractive, dating female, I've been reading your articles -- and I protest. There are so many wonderful, beautiful and kind-souled single women in San Diego County who would love to meet a great guy to date and have a real relationship with. But you are misleading men by telling them to play "hard to get," and you're only contributing to more animosity and misunderstandings between men and women. The last thing we need around here is more men who play games. I took your article Wait A Week To Call to my women's support group and they all just laughed! "What is he trying to do, teach men to be conniving toward women? That's what our mothers told us to do!"

it's all bogus Teaching men to use a "strategy" as you do in "The System" takes all of the real excitement out of dating and meeting someone of real substance. If you told a man from back East to use manipulative strategies as you recommend, he'd laugh in your face. Real men go after what they want and don't have to play passive-aggressive games. Guys who take your advice must be real losers anyway! If I met a man I was attracted to at a party, and he took my number and didn't call me for a week, I'd think he was going through his list, and I happened to be the booby prize because no one else wanted him. A real man would call the next day and at least show he was interested as soon as possible. Then he could make the date for next week or whenever. But at least he was manly enough to be Tarzan to my Jane. If he wants to be Jane, then I wouldn't want him anyway! If you guys just want to chase the same big boobed, Southern Californian beauties, then of course, stand in line for a letdown no matter when you call. If you really want a kindred spirit to love and be with, then forget the contrived strategies and step up to the plate! We need some real men around here.

LeeAnn -- who says: "Print this if you dare!"

doc love's answer Dear LeeAnn, Is that the best you can come up with? I see by the way you communicate why you wind up at the bottom of the list. I have to thank you, LeeAnn, because you have provided us with yet another great example of why you can't find out what women want by asking them. If you and your girlfriends were able to be truly objective about your inner needs and desires, then you wouldn't be trying to make a mockery of my "wait a week to call" strategy. I love dares...

007, double yes! LeeAnn, imagine that you had gone to a cocktail party where you had met a successful, handsome gentleman who was a dead ringer for Pierce Brosnan. The two of you made a nice connection and he asked you for your phone number. Then you found yourself thinking about him, hoping that he would call to ask you out. Would you blow him off when he called you seven days later? Or would you be delighted that he finally called, and be eager to see him? Would you say to him: "I'm sorry guy, you waited more than 24 hours to call me and that means that you aren't a real man, so no thank you." Give me a break! The truth is that you'd be saying, "Yes, I'd love to go out with you" faster than Rosie O'Donnell can gobble up a cream tart. And why would you be saying "yes" so readily and enthusiastically? Because you had, what I call, High Interest in your James Bond look-alike. Your Interest Level [degree of love] in him was 79% or so from the get-go. But when he waited a week to call you, your Interest Level moved even higher into the low 80s.

a real man You see, LeeAnn, in my hypothetical scenario, you already liked him a lot, but when he took his time to call you, you perceived him as an even more intriguing guy who has a full life and isn't desperately hoping to find some woman to make him happy. Someone who is a REAL -"real man." Yes LeeAnn, you'd see him as a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. And whether you know it or not, that's what you respond to on an emotional level -- a guy who is a

Challenge. Not some needy, eager to please, politically correct nincompoop who is seeking your approval by calling you the next day. If I had an opportunity to use my interviewing techniques on you, I'm certain that I'd discover that the last guy you fell in love with was, in some fundamental way, a Challenge. Hopefully it wasn't a married man who saw you only twice a month. Men need to be more conniving...

on guard You and your girlfriends say that I'm teaching men to be conniving women. Well, I couldn't have said it better myself. If fathers would teach their sons to be a little more conniving, then the war of the sexes might be a bit more of a fair fight instead of manslaughter. But your mothers were wasting their time teaching you to be conniving. As a woman, it's already built into you. Women have an innate understanding of men, but men don't understand women at all. Or as Jack Nicholson once said: "Women, they're smarter than us, they're stronger than us, and they don't play fair." But when my guys use "The System," they're finally able to out-game and out-gun you gals. And you think that my strategies are manipulative? I'll tell you LeeAnn -- if any one of my guys has the self-sabotaging habit of calling a potential date 24 hours after getting her number, then I have to break him of that habit. He needs to learn to use a success strategy rather than a failure strategy, so I give him rules and principles to follow. Call it manipulative if you like, but you do yourself and all men a great disservice by disparaging my advice.

passive aggression I'll agree with you on one thing. My philosophy is passive/aggressive but only in a positive sense. I show men that there is a time to be aggressive and there is a time to be passive. A man takes aggressive action by, for instance, being sure to always ask a woman whom he's interested in for her phone number. Then he's passive when he waits a week to call her, and then he's aggressive again when he calls her for the date. But he doesn't rush in like a dog in heat. And LeeAnn, why are you so resentful towards your skinny sisters who have large breasts, long legs, thick lips, and high cheekbones? I'm sure that many of them are nice people who deserve love just as much as you do. Taking a kinder and gentler attitude towards all humankind might serve you well. Remember, guys, women are dying to chase you, they just don't realize it.

She Goes From Warm To Cold As Ice Help me Doc, Lately, I have been having trouble with a girl I really care about. At first we were just friends and I was fine with it. As time passed though, I grew attached to her and started really feeling for her. When I finally got up the courage to tell her this, her only reply was that she cared for me but "not in that way." I was hurt. I told her that I was still her friend but never really talked to her much after that. I went off to college but could not completely let go. Well, while off at UCLA, I discovered your articles on AskMen.com rather by accident and started learning about how to treat women, and how you have to be a Challenge [allow the woman to chase you] and seem less interested in her than she is in you, as you teach in "The System." When I moved back home, we started talking again but I tried out my newly learned Challenge techniques on her. I did a lot of acting kind of aloof, slightly ignoring her and only calling her once a week instead of every day like I used to.

let's get cozy As time passed by, she started being genuinely nicer to me and she started calling me more. Then one day, when we were swimming together, things seemed to change. She was more flirtatious than usual, and we eventually walked to a tree at a nearby house. The branches were just high enough that she had to give me a boost up (she placed her hands directly on my rear to do this too). Then I lifted her up. The rest of the day we talked and her attitude changed, the body language she gave was positive and for brevity's sake, I'll just say it went well. She called me the next day, but I didn't answer the phone in an attempt to be a Challenge and called her a couple of days later. After that she was even nicer to me, always asking how I was, wondering if I was okay. Then I went to Newport Beach on vacation for a week and when I came back, I ran into her with friends, and she said she had missed me so much and gave me a big wet kiss in front of everyone. The next day I went to her work to visit her and plan something for the following day because she was off. But that day, she seemed distant and it felt odd, so I left quickly and waited till yesterday, when she called me and we got together. Let's just say it didn't seem to go well. We didn't talk much. She avoided my occasional flirtation and avoided eye contact when we ate. When we got to her house, she got out of the car quickly and barely said bye.

What's going on with her? Was I too cold? Did I suddenly move too fast and scare her? Did I just read into everything too much and set myself up again for complete heartache? I don't plan on talking to her for a week or so. What do I do now? How should I make my move, or did I screw things up too badly? Geoff -- who is confused

doc love's answer Hi Geoff, Great goin'! Once you learned about the power of Challenge, you immediately changed your sappy ways. That's not an easy thing for a lot of guys to do but you did it. In answer to your questions, I don't think that you were "too cold." It sounds as if you did a good job of being just cool enough. It also appears that you didn't move too fast. You let her come at you and that's right on. So what went wrong?

get your magnifying glass Now, if you had been able to apply the principles of "The System" to this situation when you and this girl had first met, we would now have an easier time deciphering what her true motivations are. But since you started being a Challenge only after she had initially rejected you, the situation is a bit more confusing than it might otherwise be. But acting like detectives on Law and Order , we will examine the 4 possible explanations for her confusing behavior: Her feelings went back and forth One, you used Challenge very effectively and turned her around. But when she showed real romantic interest in you, you got too excited and went back to your old non-Challenging ways. Once you did that, you brought her Interest Level [degree of love] back down South where it started, and there will be no third chance for you. Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 8%. She's testing you Two, you've been a Challenge all along (since your awakening), and now she's just testing you to see if you lose it and go back to your old ways and start coming on heavy again. (But if that's the case, you've got a gal who's so insecure that she has to keep having her partner jump through hoops, which disqualifies her as a potential girlfriend.)

Accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 5%. She wants to control you Three, after she rejected you in the beginning, her Interest Level stayed in the basement and never moved up at all. But when you became a Challenge, you ruffled her ego. She didn't like that you had stopped groveling and didn't enjoy losing control over you. So she flirted with you and seduced you into thinking that she had grown romantic feelings for you. Then when she knew that she had you back under her spell, she acted disinterested again so she could have the pleasure of confusing you and hurting you. Thus she was able to put you back in your place and demonstrate to you that you shouldn't try to beat her at her own game. Although I may sound quite cynical here, the truth is that some women do this sort of thing and get away with it! Still, I really don't think that your girl fits this description. She seems to be more of an innocent type. But as a love detective, I have to look at all the possibilities. So, accuracy probability rating for this explanation: 2%. The most probable explanation... She never liked you And four, she never really had any romantic feelings for you, but when you came back from college, you got her at a time when she was bored and lonely. She had nothing else going on, so she flirted with you and made out with you, but she kept her heart to herself. Remember, a woman with low Interest level (in the 40-49% range) can still do all kinds of things that will make you think that her Interest Level is high. Now she's got something else going on with someone she has real interest in, but she's reluctant to tell you to your face. This explanation is the one that I would bet on. Accuracy probability rating: 85%. But Geoff, regardless of the reason why this girl is now acting as she is, The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that she's skittish and inconsistent. And consistency is a crucial quality for any potential girlfriend to have.

who wants her anyway? So on a higher level of awareness; we don't look for an explanation for her behavior. We simply look at reality and note that at this point, this girl has become a hassle. She's not available to be in a relationship (at least not with you Geoff). Plus, she's making you work too hard. Remember, when women like you, they help you, and she's giving you about as much

help as an IRS administrator. You could ask her why she was warm and fuzzy one day and then cold and distant the next. And when you ask, you would get an answer that might range from something like, "What do you mean? I wasn't cold and distant," to "I don't know, I'm just not sure," to "Well, I'm depressed about environmental pollution," or some other form of Womanese.

nothing is a waste The answer she gives might or might not have something to do with the truth (she might not even know herself well enough to give an accurate answer). But whatever her answer, you'd still be dealing with a girl that you can't count on. So at this point, Geoff, I'd say it's time to move on to greener pastures because this gal is going to continue to be more of a pain in the butt than six hours on a circus bench. Just look at this whole episode as a learning adventure so that you don't waste so much time next time around. Remember guys, every girl is practice for the next.

What Does True Love Feel Like? Dear Doc, As I've been reading your column over the last several weeks, I've learned a great deal, especially about the many unacceptable ways that some women treat good men, and how guys let them get away with all kinds of unloving and disrespectful behavior. Now, when I look back on all my dating adventures over the last ten years, I can see that I was getting the short end of the stick so many times. I realize that I put up with all kinds of crap because I was just so happy that a cute girl was spending time with me. Even if a girl broke a date with me, I'd keep calling her back for more abuse. In fact, I hate to admit it, but once I even drove for an hour and a half to pick up a girl who had already stood me up once before. She wasn't there the second time either, big surprise huh? And now I can also see that more than once, I wound up in a relationship with a girl who seemed to really like me but actually had what you call low, or at best mediocre, Interest Level [degree of love].

what is love?

But what's even more depressing is that now I can see that I may not ever have had a girlfriend who had a truly high level of romantic interest in me. I don't think I even know what that feels like. Pretty pathetic I guess. But I know I'm going to be more successful in the future because of the new awareness that I have, thanks to you and "The System." Could you just clarify something for me? How can you tell when a girl has authentic high Interest Level? What kinds of behaviors would she be exhibiting? How could I tell that her Interest Level was really high and that she wasn't just playing the part, using me, and biding her time until Mr. Jerk comes along? What kinds of things should I be checking for to know that she's for real? Stanton -- who wants to know what love is really supposed to feel like

doc love's answer Hi Stanton, Thanks for your candor. It took guts to write that letter and I appreciate your compliment. It's great that you understand that there is a difference between low and high interest. Many guys don't even know the difference between a woman with high Interest Level and a woman with low Interest Level. Why? Because they only look at their own feelings. Behold the difference...

you're my hero! The primary prerequisite for a woman to qualify as a potential romantic partner is that she must have high Interest Level, as stated in "The System." This means that she has to have deep romantic feelings for you. She has to really, really dig you and think of you as her hero - her dream come true. If her interest in you is not at a high level, then you are not going to be happy being with her. You're going to have to work hard for little reward, and what good is that? Love should be light and easy. And only a woman whose Interest Level is in the 90's (on a consistent basis) is worth being with for the rest of your life. More often than not, when a woman has strong feelings for a guy, her Interest Level is high from the get-go. For you Psych majors: she kisses on the first date. Soon after she meets him, she knows that he's "boyfriend material." A different woman might meet the same guy and think he was a total dud. But somehow, this one particular guy rings this gal's bell, and since he does, she lets him know it, both verbally and physically. Why? Because she doesn't want to confuse him, or abuse him. She wants to make him happy.

is this love? Okay Stanton, so how does she let him know that she digs him? When a woman has found her knight in shining armor, how does she treat him? What are the signs of high interest? Here is a partial list of the kinds of things that she must do on a consistent basis in order for her to have an authentic high Interest Level in you: She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you. She compliments you frequently. She touches you. Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you. She is curious to know everything about you. She endeavors to discover what's important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way. (Of course you give her the absolute minimum amount of info possible.) More proof that it's true love...

more signs of love She gives you small gifts. She calls you and asks you out. She makes a big deal about your birthday. She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month. She builds up your ego. She's supportive. She's consistently loving and affectionate. When you're sick, she is your dedicated nurse. She often turns into a playful little girl when she's around you. She respects your opinion. She asks you for advice. She's consistent and dependable. She keeps her word. She's never late. She's fiercely loyal. She backs you up when the chips are down. She doesn't put you down in public or nag. She doesn't compare you to other guys. She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are. Her knees buckle when she kisses you. She thinks it's great that you go out with your buddies once a week. She doesn't try to control you as much as other women do.

When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions. Every girl in town thinks you're ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt. She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle. When you say, "Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o'clock." She says, "I'll be ready." Okay men; let's be honest. How many of these traits does your main squeeze have? Remember guys, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, only choose a gal with high interest to be your wife.

Eliminate Your Competition By Being A Challenge Hello Doc, I just read your most recent article on AskMen.com. In my experience, I have lost some great women because I didn't call them right away or enough. As the girl in your last article said, when a guy calls her after a week, she does not feel special anymore. Women have walked away from me because of that very reason. You cannot argue with real life experience. Women do want a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] but not in the form of a lack of attention. They want it in the form of not being able to control the man and have their way with him. I believe the man still needs to be attentive right off the bat but his attention must be strictly on his terms, not hers.

my terms, baby This means going where he wants to and doing what he wants, and not giving in to her requests and whims, or trying to make her feel good so that she will like him. By making the distinction that his attention, affection and compliments are something that he gives on his own terms, the woman can see that she has not yet won him over and is not able to control him, so he remains a Challenge and raises her Interest Level [degree of love]. Acting this way has resulted in my having the biggest success with women. Plenty of attention right away, but on my terms, based on what I want without letting the woman control me. Waiting to call is a mistake. Cary -- who thinks you are missing something

doc love's answer Hey Cary, You say that I teach Challenge via "lack of attention." Well, you obviously haven't studied "The System" thoroughly. I coach men to look at women's eyes whenever they're talking and to be a great listener. And when they combine those qualities with patience and proper timing, they start to become winners in the dating game instead of losers. Don't be a loser...

just a little respect But even though you're off the track on proper dating/telephone etiquette, your insights about the importance of not seeking approval from women are right on the money. Although, what you're talking about has more to do with respect than Challenge. Now if you can set your ego aside and allow me to educate you further about the importance of my "wait a week to call" strategy, you'll soon be on your way to even more success with women. First of all, let me ask you: how exactly do you know for certain that these women who rejected you did so because you didn't call soon enough or often enough? Remember, when you ask a woman why she rejected a particular guy, 99 times out of 100, the first answer you get will not be the real reason.

crack the case I can hear you interviewing them now. "Hi Caprice, I'm calling to find out the reasons that you dropped me." "Sure," says Caprice. "When you got my number, you waited a week to call and then you didn't call me every day to reassure me that you liked me, that's the reason." The real answer is always the second (or third) answer that you pry out of a woman. The first answer is always the politically correct answer. And if the guy she rejected and the guy who is interviewing her are one in the same, it's 100% guaranteed that she won't give a straight answer. I cross-examine women when I survey them, just like the cops on Law and Order . I doubt that you did this. And how many women did you interview? Four? I've interviewed thousands and I have never heard a woman say, "I dropped him because he didn't give me enough phone calls." To you Psych majors: Do you really want someone as a life-long partner who needs reassurance

through Ma Bell every hour? Cary's real problem...

beat the other chumps In actuality Cary, you should be happy that women with low selfesteem are dropping you. Having to constantly reassure your partner is like riding on a stationery bicycle with a metal seat; it's a pain in the butt and it never really gets you anywhere. Cary, there's something you must understand. A girl could give both you and another guy her number on the same day. And that other guy might call her the next day and take her out on a date, while you're still waiting to first call her. But if she has higher interest in you, she'll be thinking about you while she's out with him. And when you finally call her after that other guy has already called her for a second date, you are raising her Interest Level even higher. (She can't figure out why you aren't being predictable like all the other guys she's gotten rid of and she becomes more intrigued.)

she'll choose you So Cary, you don't have to worry about some other dude beating you out while you're biding your time using Challenge to your advantage. Women do the choosing, and if she chooses you, there ain't nothing your competition can do about it. And when you wait to call, any chance your competition might have had is seriously compromised. Don't be concerned with making her feel special, make yourself special to her by being a Challenge. Remember guys, patience is the key to women.

Ask Women Out While Others Watch Dear Doc, Yesterday I was in the checkout line at the local supermarket. The cashier who was ringing up my purchases was a very cute young woman, a solid 9 I'd say, probably about twenty-three or so. I'd seen her there before, but I had never been at her particular counter. While she was going through all my items she was also asking me questions, like whether I live in the area and what I do on my weekends for fun.

She was friendly but what I'm getting at is that she seemed to be extra, extra friendly. She was really beaming such a radiant smile at me, and her eyes were so sparkly. I was definitely attracted to her, and I wanted to ask if she'd like to go out with me some time, but I just wasn't sure if she was really romantically interested in me. I thought that she might have just finished some customer-relations training where she'd been instructed to be superfriendly to customers and that's all it was. The other problem was that there were other people in line behind me. I felt like even if I was sure that she was interested in me, how could I ask her out in front of all those other people? So there I was feeling all conflicted and uncomfortable, and then she asked me what my name was. Now I've never had a checkout girl ask me what my name was. So I thought, wow, maybe she really is interested in me , even though it just seemed too good to be true.

will he or won't he? Then, as she was giving me my change, she looked at me with this sexy smile and kept maintaining intense eye contact with me. But I couldn't linger any longer because there were other people waiting and I felt like it was now-or-never, do-or-die time. That's when my heart started pounding. I decided that I was going to take action somehow and started to open my mouth to say something. I'm not sure what I was going to say, but before I could get a word out, the other customer in line started asking her questions about coupons or something, so I just grabbed my shopping cart and started to leave. As I was walking away she turned to me and said, "Bye." Then I just said bye back to her and that was it. Well, I've got to tell you that I felt really bad after that. I couldn't stop thinking about her and what I should have done. But I've been comforting myself with the idea that I'll be seeing her again. I may even go back to the market later today to get something that I don't need yet, just as an excuse to see her again. Hopefully she'll be there. So what do you think Doc? What should I have done and what should I do now? Delaney -- who is kicking himself

doc love's answer Hi Delaney. Well guy, it's obvious that you are a new reader, because if you had been studying "The System" you would have known how and when to take action in this situation. That girl was giving you more signals than a traffic light, and you should have "closed" her before you left

that market. What this guy did wrong...

#1 rule of sales Yes, Delaney, you must begin to familiarize yourself with the concept of "closing." That's a sales term that means asking for the order, going for it, and striking when the window of opportunity stands wide open in front of your face. Now you mentioned that you were thinking about asking if she'd "maybe like to go out" with you "sometime." Even if you had said this to her, it's a very weak, wishy-washy way to approach a woman. It's not the kind of thing that a confident guy would say. Although your choice of words makes you sound like you're begging, a weak "close" is better than no close at all. But you didn't close at all, and now you're suffering the consequences. In future situations like this, you should ask yourself: "Which would I rather experience, a few moments of possible embarrassment, or days and days of throbbing regret?"

what are you afraid of? Delaney, you don't need to be sure if she's interested in you before you "ask her out." The way you find out if she's interested or not is by asking her for her home phone number, as it clearly states in "The System." When you take the direct approach and go for the jugular, you weed out the phony flirts from the ones who are sincere, and you move from confusion to certainty. Memorize these five magic words: "What's your home phone number?" Learn to use them whenever you can't think of what to say. Also, Delaney, never use the idea that you'll see her again later as an excuse not to close. You have to strike when the iron is hot. You may go back there to try to see her again only to discover that she just left for a month-long vacation to Borneo or worse, she just quit and isn't ever coming back. Whenever a woman is giving you positive buying signals, do not leave her without closing. Don't leave just yet...

you're the man! And when you told yourself that her liking you was probably too good to be true, you were mentally sabotaging yourself. Whatsa' madda' wich' you boy? You don't think that a cool chick would like you? Get your self-esteem together. Expect good things for yourself. Think positive instead of negative. Here's another tip, Delaney. When you're about to close and you find that you have an

audience who will be watching as you put your ego on the line, do not be intimidated by them! You must go for it anyway. I don't care if the entire noisy mob at the deli counter becomes strangely silent when you're about to ask for her number. I don't care if your heart is pounding harder than a ten-ton jackhammer. I don't care if a CNN news crew is broadcasting your conversation live on national TV. Close anyway! Life is short, and he who hesitates is lost!

you'll get a standing o Who cares what other people think? You're not there to get their approval. You're there to get her phone number. You may crash and burn while several people are looking on. But rather than ridiculing you, more often than not, people tend to have admiration for you because you had the cojones to go for it. Other guys who might be watching will say to themselves: "Wow, I should have his kind of guts to go for it in situations like that." My recommendation to you is the following: As soon as you see your true love next, walk right up to her, smile and say, "Hi." Then utter the five magic words. Badda bing, badda boom. Just like that. If she gives you the number, you'll feel like a million bucks. If she doesn't, at least you'll be able to move on and get yourself out of Woulda Coulda Shoulda Land. Remember, guys, always ask for the home phone number in spite of the crowds who are watching.

The Power Of Feminine Grace Dear Doc Love, I am a woman who has been around, and I just have to tell you that I think your advice is very accurate and honest. I am 38, divorced, have children (with whom I have a very open rapport about everything from sex to politics), and I have the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful man on this earth! It is actually he who introduced me to your column, and he still reads it to me every week. Doc, one of the most amazing things about my sweetheart is that all the things that you promote and teach men in your "System" seem to come very naturally to him. He has been mysterious, a Challenge (it was definitely me that did all the pursuing), and I cannot think of a man that has been more intriguing to me. He is extremely romantic, loving and committed all at the same time. You know the funny thing is that when Randy first read me your column, the modern, slightly

defensive side of me said, "Horsefeathers!" But ironically, on closer examination of your response, when he and I discussed it and I actually put myself in that situation, I realized that you really have a very realistic understanding of male/female dynamics and behaviors.

girl power! I am quite happy and proud to say that I love being a woman and everything that it means to me. I love being able to create life and nurture it and experience the most incredible pleasure, all within the same body. I love being able to dress up and look good for my sweetheart, or just wear no makeup and be casual with him. I love sending him little cards and gifts just to tell him that I love him, or be there to offer him a glass of wine and a shoulder when he has had a rough day. I love shopping for beautiful outfits as much for my own pleasure as for his, and I love the feeling of his warmth next to me at night. And he appreciates it all and shows it in return. So, to all the women out there who find my behavior and attitude offensive and weak (and I'm sure there are a few), all I have to say is that I just don't care. Maybe they need to open up their minds and hearts and stop denying their feminine sides, and then they will see just how much they receive in return when they give instead of holding back. Until that time, I really believe that they are missing out on something truly wonderful. In the meantime Doc, keep up the good work! Anyone who gives candid and honest advice on how to improve relationships (both single and married) is doing us all a huge service. Sincerely, Karen -- the non-politically correct "girly-girl"

doc love's answer Hi Karen, It's refreshing to hear from a woman like you. You get an A plus in the attitude department and Randy is a very lucky guy. To your credit, you've ignored the Feministas who have tried to convince women that they must compete with men and "beat them at their own game." But many of your sisters have been brainwashed and have become Amazon warriors, striving to outdo men and show them who's the better "man." Ironically, the further down that road they go, the more unhappy they become. We need more women like this in the world...

the feminine touch Men don't want to compete with women. They may be momentarily impressed with a gal who can ruthlessly kick butt and play "hardball" harder than the best of the boys, but she's not the type they'd be drawn to have as the mother of their children. The enlightened woman, like you, Karen, knows that her true source of power is her femininity. You know that as a woman you have choices in the way that you get what you want and need from the man in your life. A woman can try to control her man with criticism and nagging, or she can use her feminine grace to motivate him.

don't settle for less A woman does not give up her power when she is sweet and supportive. Rather, she empowers both her man and herself. A good woman makes her man feel like he's a better man than he knows he really is. And, when he's receiving that level of support and appreciation, he's happy to do what makes her happy. It's a win-win kind of a situation. Also, what helps to make it all work so well for you, Karen, is that you are with a man who is mature enough to appreciate your giving nature without trying to take advantage of you. And, you both have mutually high romantic interest in each other. To you men out there, Karen is the kind of gal you want to be with, someone who is a real giver. Remember, guys, always pick a girl who is sweet and loving.

Do You Want To Be Worshipped Or Nagged? Dear Doc Love, Generally I agree with a lot of the things you have to say about women and the advice you give to men in "The System." But your recent article on what guys should look for in women to understand the meaning of high Interest Level [degree of love] is completely ludicrous. Now, I agree that you should only date someone who respects you. I agree that you must be confident, not take any of her crap, not revolve your life around her, and finally, not date her if she is playing you for a chump. But the list of examples that you gave of the kinds of things that a woman must do in order for her guy to be happy with her, I mean come on! I don't know if you were joking or not, but it seems like you want men to look for slaves, not wives. There are plenty of women like that. You can buy them from a Russian mail-order

bride site. I just don't believe that you can truly be happy with someone who worships the ground you walk on.

the ground you walk on Most guys I know hate that kind of worship as much as women do. Don't give guys unrealistic things like "she compliments you frequently" and "her knees buckle when she kisses you" to expect to find in a women. Just tell them to find someone who will love them enough to tolerate their B.S. to a point, correct them when they are wrong, and someone who has a common interest and finds them interesting. I just don't buy it this time Doc. Like I said, I love your tips and your column, but I just don't believe that the women you describe exist unless you are looking for some pathetic loser with low self-esteem. Noel -- who says that you don't really know what true love is like

doc love's answer So, Noel, What's your description of a woman with high Interest Level, a self-centered psycho mercenary who constantly nags? An abusive user who hates men and is afraid of intimacy? Or someone who flops on the couch, eats bonbons, and watches talk shows all day long? Yes, I did say that you should look for a woman who "is consistently loving and affectionate, fiercely loyal and thinks of you as her hero." Now where do you get the idea that a woman like that is a slave? Don't you think it's possible for a woman to exemplify those qualities and also have brains, class and a successful career? Would only a pathetic loser behave that way? Give me a break! You need to wake up, boy...

quit sucking on a lemon It sounds as if you've never been with a woman who has actually had high Interest Level in you. You've probably been spending too much time with women whose interest in you has been in the 40-49% range, and you think that that's the best any guy can expect. Women with that level of interest will merely "tolerate your B.S." I think you've become bitter and disillusioned and have given up on having an exciting, romantic, loving relationship. And Noel, the fact that a woman "turns into a playful little girl when she's around you," as I described in the article, has nothing to do with her level of self-esteem. You should be with a woman who has high self-esteem and who has also maintained some of her youthful

innocence. Someone who is lighthearted and playful with you. Granted, my list of the qualities of a woman with high Interest Level is very comprehensive. I don't expect a woman to exemplify all of those qualities, all of the time. But she'd better cover most of them some of the time, or she's not worth being with.

go with the sweetie You must understand Noel, that marriage at best, is extremely tough. But the more flexible, sweet and giving the woman is, the better the odds that the relationship will go the distance. So why not stack the odds in your favor by being with a sweetheart rather than a high maintenance user? At least you do understand that it's important for the woman to respect her man. My advice to you, Noel, is to have a more optimistic, positive attitude. You've got to get that it's a good thing to have a woman who thinks that you are the cat's meow. And the kind of woman I described does exist. You just need to raise your own self-esteem level high enough to believe that you deserve to be with a woman like that, and that you have the power to attract her. Remember, guys, a little bit of worship from your woman is a good thing.

Should You Ever Date A Liar? Hi Doc, I have a problem with a girl that I have been seeing. My wife of 12 years passed away 10 months ago and I am now forcing myself to start dating again. I met Dana through a mutual friend, so she was aware that I am a widower, and she already knows about some of my past. I went out with her a few times and we really hit it off. The problem is that after the second date she tells me that she has been "seeing" someone for two years. Before we even went on a date I specifically asked if she had a boyfriend and she said "no." She continued to tell me that she was unhappy with her boyfriend because he had previously cheated on her for a year. After that they broke up, but he eventually talked her into getting back together. She also said that he's always too busy for her and that she is tired of always being last on his list.

i'm a friend to her

I have heard that her parents hate this boyfriend and a lot of her friends have stopped talking to her because of him. I told her that if her dating me was becoming a problem for her, then I was willing to just be friends. Her reply was that she was confused and didn't know how long we could last as just friends. Besides that, she would always wonder what it would be like to be a couple with me. The last time I saw her she came over to my house after being stood up by the boyfriend and was all over me, so I know that there is some type of attraction. But lately I feel that I am being treated as second fiddle to the boyfriend. It seems that she's calling the shots and will only see me when the boyfriend isn't around, and it seems like I am the one who does all the calling. I do think that I screwed up the first few times that I was with her; I told her that I really liked her and I then sent her flowers, because I was trying to sell myself to her, and prove to her that I was the better choice. I know that those were mistakes from reading your "System," but I want to see if I can do something right now to become a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] to her. I really like her and would like to win her over. Doc, I need some advice right away before I do something else that's stupid. Thanks, Tom -- who is still learning

doc love's answer Hi Tom, You can say that again, you are definitely still learning. Never tell a woman whom you're attracted to that you're willing to just be friends. It's a pathetically weak and wimpy thing to do. The strong and manly thing to do...

she's no enigma But let's back up. This girl is easier to read than a stop sign. Right out of the chute she gave you a giant red flag. You asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told you that she didn't. Then when you saw her again she told you that she did have a boyfriend! So, Tom, before you even had your first date with her she lied to you. She's a liar. That's right, there is enough to disqualify her as a potential partner.

And here you are now, getting all emotionally psyched up about her. You'd never go into business with a liar, why would you consider pursuing a romantic relationship with one? Use some common sense dude!

get with the program And I'll tell you something else, Tom; she's not confused. You're the one who's confused. She's got you completely bamboozled and you've signed up for all of it. This gal Dana is obviously a phony and a stroker. She throws you a bone to get you hooked and gives you a glimmer of hope so she can keep you around as her butler and therapist. But the way things have played out so far, I'd say there will be peace in the Middle East before you'll ever be lovers with this chick. Tom, she's not worth trying to win over. But if you'd like to use her to practice being strong with a woman instead of weak, I'll tell you what you can do. Just as an experiment, become a Negative Challenge to her like her boyfriend is. Stand her up, put her down and boss her around. That'll get her hooked on you, but you won't want to keep what you wind up with. Remember guys, she cannot teach your kids to be honest if she doesn't know how to be honest.

Don't Be Her Friend Hey Doc, I need your help with a woman I work with. We're both about the same age, 26, and we're both paralegals at a large law firm. I normally don't date my co-workers, but from the moment "Crystal" joined our law firm four months ago, she and I just seemed to hit it off. Doc, let me give you more background: we have a lot in common -- she told me she likes watching football, playing beach volleyball, and I even found out that we go to the same church. I'm also fairly sure that she has high Interest Level [degree of love] in me; we have been having lunch together nearly every day, either at nearby restaurants or in the company cafeteria. We also talk to each other during our coffee breaks. We spend so much time together, and she seems to have a lot of fun with me. I want to go out with her on a real date, so my question for you is this: when is the right time to ask her and how do I do it? I seem to be doing well so far, but I don't want to blow it by

asking her too soon or too late. Stuck in San Diego

doc love's answer Hey Stuck, The good part is she spends a lot of time with you. The bad part is your chances of going out on a "real date" with her are dropping faster than Hugh Hefner's pants. First of all, your quasi-dates at work tell me little about Crystal's Interest Level for you. She could be spending time with you because she considers you a "good friend" and nothing more: a male girlfriend in a sense. On the other hand, she could have the hots for you, and is wondering when you're going to ask her out. The problem is you have created an environment that makes it impossible to determine which possibility is the correct one. Let's make sure he's never stuck again...

work it, watson Now, if I saw you and Miss Right eating lunch together, I could read her Interest Level in you in five minutes, but because this isn't possible, you are going to have to do your own detective work. You need a procedure that will flush out her true romantic feelings for you, right from the start. What procedure is this? It is getting her outside of her work environment, and asking for her home phone number, as "The System" clearly states. The best time to do this would have been the first day you two had lunch together. The main problem with your existing relationship with Crystal is that you are too much of a friend to her and not enough of a boyfriend. By spending too much time in friendship mode with Crystal while at work, and none in a romantic mode with her away from work, you are allowing her to get too comfortable within a non-romantic arrangement. When the day finally comes when you ask her out for a real date, why should she accept? She already gets all she wants from you from nine to five, so why would she be motivated to see you again at eight o'clock at night? But your workplace familiarity is not only unromantic; it is also anti-Challenge. And Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] is one-third of what you have to offer a woman in order to turn her on and keep her turned on.

give it to her slow Stuck, you must understand that women are like Internal Affairs officers; when they're interested in a man, they love to play detective and gather all the information about him that they can -- his ambitions, his likes and dislikes, where he went to school, his relationship with his mother, and especially his past romantic relationships ("Why did they dump him?"). When you spill your guts to a woman during her workplace interrogations, you are actually undermining one of your greatest strengths: the ability to remain mysterious, in other words, your ability to be a Challenge. So, Stuck, you are actually putting the cart before the horse. Crystal should be running her background check on you during a date, not at work. Plus, you should be spoon-feeding these precious details to her rather than shoveling them to her at such a quick pace. If Crystal has a good attitude, she won't mind this mystery (plus, as a woman, she knows she'll get everything out of you eventually!). Your next move, Stuck, is to wait until she asks you out for another lunch. After your meal, and just before the two of you are ready to leave the restaurant, ask: "Crystal, what is your home phone number?" If you hear anything other than seven digits out of her sweet lips (like, "Why do you want it? We see each other all the time at work."), then congratulations -- you have a friend for life! On the other hand, if you actually get her home phone number, without any static, then, my boy, you're on your way to romance heaven!

Why Is That Babe With Such A Loser? Hi Doc, I'm another guy who loves beautiful women and wants to understand them. I've been with one absolutely gorgeous woman in my life. That was three years ago and the relationship only lasted about two months. I'm not certain why she initially chose me, but she dumped me for this mangy criminal type guy who can barely stay out of jail. She's still with him. He never works, she supports him, and she's madly in love with him. Since that happened to me, I've become acutely aware that so many of these gorgeous women are with losers, or just scummy looking guys. One thing I'd like to know is: Why the losers? I'm not a guy who gives in and am by no means a wimp. I consider myself a positive Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], but I have come to the conclusion that these unapproachable model-type women are only attracted to a limited group of men.

It's either guys with power, fame and barrels of cash or band members or creepy losers with too many tattoos, but not an average guy with good looks and a lot to offer. What do you think? Terrence -- who wants to know what's going on

doc love's answer Hi Terrence, You're quite accurate in your description of the types of guys that the drop dead gorgeous babes prefer. But you're leaving out another kind of guy they go for. Is it you? Find out...

what's your worth? If, instead of being an average guy with good looks and a lot to offer, you were an average guy with spectacular looks and even nothing to offer, you'd be getting some serious attention from those "unapproachable" goddesses. Even from some of the married ones. Now as we all know, the real beauties do go for the rich and powerful celebrities. Drop dead gorgeous women are essentially celebrities themselves, simply by virtue of their great beauty. They're genetic celebrities. And since women always date and marry "up," these extreme beauties go for the "gold." The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says: beauty always finds the money and money always finds the beauty. But besides these obvious reasons, it's difficult to know for certain why any woman really chooses the man that she chooses. Observed from an objective viewpoint, women's mate choices are often irrational, illogical, contradictory, and rather arbitrary. To you Psych majors: women are inconsistent.

rebel with a cause So, Terrence, there's more than one possible explanation for why these beauties go for the borderline (or even full on) criminal type, the crazed musician with more piercings than a pin cushion or the creepy loser who can't keep a job. And every stunningly gorgeous babe will choose differently based upon her level of self-esteem, her emotional maturity and her upbringing. Still, there is one thing that the types of males that I've described above have in common.

They're all rebels in some way. They're not socially acceptable. If a beautiful woman has a lot of anger toward her father, and many of them do, she can symbolically give "the finger" to Daddy by choosing, for instance, a drug dealer with a bone through his nose for her boyfriend. Also, as strange as it sounds, dangerous men make many women feel safe. All women crave safety and security and a guy who's done "hard time" makes some women feel safe and protected. She knows that he'll crush any other guy who hassles her, and beautiful women do get harassed a lot. The other thing that all these types of guys tend to have in common is a kind of detached, "don't give a crap," attitude. So these 10s perceive them as extra manly, confident and a Challenge. Keep in mind, Terrence, that just because she's beautiful on the outside, it doesn't mean she's clinically sane on the inside. Just because she has a fantastic body on the outside, it doesn't mean she has common sense on the inside. Just because she has gorgeous breasts and long legs on the outside, it doesn't mean she's marriage material. Remember, guys, beauty is only skin deep but character is to the bone.

Should You Ever Forgive A Cheater? Say Doc, I'm 26 years old, and my "fiancée" is 22. Before me, she was in a three-year relationship with this guy, and he was also the one that took her virginity away. We've been together for 10 months, and it's been great, but moving awfully fast. Like I said, she's my "fiancée." The problem happened about a month ago, and I don't know what to do. She cheated on me with him, but I just found out the whole truth yesterday. When I asked her why she did it, she told me that she loves me AND she loves him, and at that time, she didn't know what she wanted and was unhappy. She broke down yesterday and told me the whole truth because I think she just found out that he was manipulating her and basically just wanted to hurt her. We talked for hours and hours last night about this, and all she could say was that she was sorry. I asked her: "How could I ever trust that you won't do this to me again?" She replied that my question hurt her very much, and that she has now learned from all this. Doc, I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions right now. One way is to say "Good-bye"; the other is to try to work this out with her and have her earn her trust back with me. But I don't know if I could honestly trust her again. What I do know is that I love her dearly, but I don't want to get hurt like this again. What are your opinions on this topic?

Alonzo -- who wants to know if he can trust her again

doc love's answer Hi Alonzo, You're asking me if you can ever trust her again? As my cousin, Fast Eddie Love would say, "Would you take a check at a crap game?" Think about it, dude. While she was engaged to you, your girl was doin' the guy who first initiated her into physical intimacy. Yikes! The real deal...

trust went down the aisle The hard, cold truth is that she has disqualified herself as wife material or even part-time girlfriend material for that matter. Any trust that you might have built with this gal has gone the way of the buffalo. When you say that the relationship has been "great, but moving awfully fast," it sounds as if you were edgy about the prospect of tying the knot with this hussy to begin with. Perhaps, out of her insecurity, she pressured you into the engagement? Regardless, even if she hadn't betrayed you, it's obvious that she's not mature enough to handle being in a long-term committed relationship. Young women who are about 18-22 years of age need to "feel their oats" just like young guys do. Settling down "till death do us part" with a 22-year-old woman is a high-risk proposition. It's too easy to wind up with a monthly alimony and child-support bill.

give her the boot I know that you're wounded and you're in pain my brother, and it hurts even more to face reality, but you need to understand why this movie is over. Do you know what the opposite of trust is? It's treason. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She sold you out, boy. And you're thinkin' about takin' her back? How you gonna look in the mirror every morning? What'll you do when she goes out shopping and then comes home two hours late? What'll happen to your comfort level then, boy?" Another thing that ticks me off about this woman is that when you asked her a totally legitimate question: "How could I ever trust that you won't do this to me again?" she then told you that you were hurting her by asking her that. Well, she was just letting you know that it's really YOU who's the bad guy here! Man oh man. Rather than listening to her, Alonzo, you should be listening to your gut, and your gut is

telling you that you can't bet on this pony. If her "first love" hadn't dumped her, your twofaced traitor of a girlfriend would still be workin' both of you, and you'd still be clueless. There's no "working this out with her" Alonzo. It's already all been worked out -- and she's out! Remember, guys, if she strays, she pays.

Keep Your Lips Zipped Hi Doc, I read over some of your advice and think you are doing your male readers a big disservice. You tell men to 1. Let the woman say, "I love you" first; 2. Make her wonder if you like her or not; 3. Let the woman do all the touching; 4. Act disinterested, etc., etc., etc. This all sounds like The Rules to me, only the instructions are going out to men instead of women. You are telling men to play the same kind of games women are often told to play. If both sexes are being advised to "Never be the first one to say I love you," then who the heck is ever going to say it? I am currently in love with a wonderful guy. Thank goodness he broke all of your rules. He told me he loved me after knowing me two weeks. He says it often. He touches me all the time, buys me flowers and looks at me adoringly. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and it's because of all these things and more. (Oh yeah, he's also a nice guy!) I think good communication and honesty is key to a healthy relationship. There is no room for game playing and the rules you state in your "System." It seems to me that the types of women who will be attracted to men who follow your advice are women who are insecure and neurotic. Connie -- who's mature enough to appreciate a loving guy

doc love's answer Hi Connie, What are you looking for, someone to worship and adore you? Someone to lavish you with gifts and compliments, or a confident man who doesn't need your approval, who can hold his own with you -- a true partner? What do you want, a flash in the pan or a slowly building ember of true intimacy? Here's what you want...

simmer down Remember that it's the ones who come on heavy from the get-go who burn out quickly. (It sounds to me as if you're more in love with being romanced than with this guy who you don't know very well.) One of the biggest complaints about men that I hear over and over and over again from women, is that men come on to them both verbally and physically, too intensely and too quickly. Men are impatient. Most men need to learn to slow down, cool their jets, keep their mouths shut, and wait for the woman to demonstrate that she is truly interested before they make any kind of important move.

hold your horses So why in the world would we ever want to encourage men to push for emotional intimacy as quickly as you recommend? Are you sure, Connie, that it's a good idea to be advocating that every guy who has a crush on a girl after two weeks should immediately tell her he loves her as he hands her a dozen roses? I teach men to be patient and to slowly, but surely, build trust with a woman. If a man tells a woman that he's in love with her when he's only known her for two weeks, how can she possibly trust him? He probably does the same thing with all of his dates. What a man should really do...

save your "i love yous" Any woman who isn't insecure and neurotic would be and should be extremely skeptical about such behavior. Besides, how can anyone know enough about another person after two weeks, to even know that they love the other person? Women, if any guy tells you that he loves you after you've known him only two weeks, head for the hills! In all male-female relationships, it's the woman who does the choosing, not the man. The wise man knows that it's not prudent to invest his heart in a woman who has not chosen him. The relationship cannot proceed without the prerequisite of female choice. It's like standing in line for three hours to get on a flight to Italy, without a passport. You can go ahead and stand in the line, but without a passport, you wasted your time and you're not going sightseeing in Rome.

the choice is hers

If the man waits for the woman to say, "I love you" first then he knows he's being chosen by the woman. If HE says "I love you" first -- even if she says it back to him in response -- he doesn't know if she would have ever initiated it without his prompting, and so he does not have certainty about being chosen by her. Let me ask you Connie, which would be more meaningful to you? A guy telling you that he loves you on his third date with you, or a guy uttering those words only after trust and true intimacy has been built? Remember, guys, keep your lips zipped.

Doc Love: Are Men Just Jealous And Possessive? Hi Doc, I am a happily married woman of 35 with two children. My husband and I agree on most things, except when it comes to vacations. We both get about 10 days of vacation time every six months. We usually leave the kids with his mother and go to Hawaii or the Caribbean. This spring, I want to go on vacation by myself. He thinks that it is improper for me to go alone without him. He says that he is not jealous and possessive, but I think differently. What's the big deal? Cynthia - who wants to be alone for a while

doc love's answer Hi Cynthia, Let me start with some basics about the issue of jealousy and its twin sister, possessiveness. The top three mistakes that men make with women are: 1- Coming on too heavy too soon. 2- Never standing up and saying "no" when appropriate. 3- Being jealous and possessive. Both men and women can be jealous and possessive, but men seem to be the worst offenders in this area. Countless guys have ruined an otherwise great relationship with their partners by being jealous. Jealous behavior lowers the woman's respect for the man and also lowers her romantic Interest Level in him. Why? Because she experiences him as being out of control, insecure and fearful. (All jealousy is based on fear: fear of loss.)

it's your fault A strong and confident man knows and trusts that his woman is loyal and that she has high Interest in him. He does not stay in a relationship with a woman who isn't loyal and doesn't have high Interest in him. He has no fear that he will lose his woman to another man. He doesn't feel as if he has to check up on her or that he can't leave her alone for five minutes. He is protective toward his woman without being possessive. He knows that one human being can never own another human being and that "slavery is illegal." Having said that, I do not think that your husband is being jealous and possessive. What you are calling jealousy and possessiveness is actually his busting you on your low romantic Interest Level in him -- he just doesn't know it. Doc Love continues to teach Cynthia about men being jealous and possessive...

till death do you part? You claim that you are happily married. Well, how happy are you, really? If you were in love with your husband, if he were your best friend and life partner, the man of your dreams, why wouldn't you want to be with him during your precious vacation time? Obviously, your Interest Level in him is much lower than his is in you. He wants to hike and swim and play tennis and walk on the beach at sunset with his wife. You want to go it alone. What's wrong with this picture? If your Interest Level in him is so low that you'd rather vacation by yourself than with him, perhaps you shouldn't be married to him. Now if the nationally syndicated, female love advice columnists were to answer your letter, they'd most certainly take your side in this situation. Why? Because they come from a female perspective. Their default setting is that the man is guilty until proven innocent. I, in contrast, blast either side depending on the truth of the situation.

females distort the truth If, let's call her "Dear Gabby" the advice columnist, were responding to your letter, she'd say that your husband is selfish, unloving and unsympathetic to your needs as a woman. She'd say that he should understand that you need a well deserved break from the pressures of marriage and kids, and that you should certainly be able to take time and space alone to renew yourself. Of course, if the situation were reversed and your husband were writing in saying that he wanted to go on vacation and leave you behind, she'd be calling him an unloving, selfish, insensitive jerk who needs to see a marriage counselor. Female love doctors have no concept of Interest Level. Would a woman with 95% Interest

Level want to go alone on a trip without her husband? Of course not, but a woman with 55% Interest Level would. Remember, guys: Just because she's married to you, doesn't mean she loves you.

When Is A Date A "Real" Date? Hey Doc, I took this woman out for a lunch get-together on Sunday. It was our first "date," although not really a date. She seemed really shy, so I controlled most of the conversation by asking a lot of questions, and keeping it lighthearted and funny like you teach in your "System." I found out a lot about her, and I didn't reveal much about myself. But she didn't ask me much about me at all. She seemed a little uncomfortable the whole time, although she seemed more at ease every time I'd ask a question, which was often. My question is: Her being a little shy around me isn't a bad thing, is it? Because it's just the first time I've been out with her. I figure she'll eventually (soon, hopefully) be real comfortable around me. Second question: Should I keep the dates short and simple with her until later on when I know she really likes me? If these are stupid questions that don't even matter just tell me. Thanks! Stefan -- who wants to know if his thinking is correct

doc love's answer Hi Stefan, More power to you, my brother. How fortunate you are to have discovered "The System." And the fact that you're already beginning to use it in some small way is absolutely fantastic! Those are not stupid questions at all. In fact they are great questions and they apply to real-life situations with all women. If you keep on studying and asking good questions like this, you'll never find yourself in divorce court in the future. Get out your magnifying glass...

she's a fake So let's analyze your situation. First of all, you say that your first date with this girl was not a "real" date. Stefan, whenever you take a woman out for an activity that could be considered a date, then it's a date.

The only reason any guy tries to downplay the idea that he and his love interest are on what everyone would call a date is that he's insecure about her Interest Level [degree of love]. He's afraid that if he says, in effect: "I'm a male, you're a female and I want to take you out -- on a date ," he's going to spook her. He's afraid that if he makes it clear that they're going to be on a date (rather than being like two friends just kind of hanging out), she'll know that he's romantically interested in her and so she'll turn him down. But that kind of logic is counterproductive because in reality, you don't want to be out on a "non-date" date with a woman who would turn you down for a real date. You don't want things to be ambiguous. You want her to know that if you're going to be spending your valuable time with her, then she should at least consider you as a potential relationship partner, and that if she doesn't, then she shouldn't go out with you. If she thinks it's just a palsy-walsy buddy kind of a deal, then you're already starting off on the wrong foot, setting a bad precedent and making things unclear.

give it to her straight So the next time you ask her out, Stefan, you can even say, "for our next date, Suzy, I want to take you bike riding Saturday afternoon," and see if she says something like: "Date? What do you mean by 'date'?" If she comes up with words similar to those, then it ain't likely that things will improve on a second outing with her. Besides the real date vs. unreal date situation, I do not like the fact that this girl wasn't asking you anything about you and your life. A girl who has a high level of interest exhibits curiosity towards the guy she's out with. She wants to know all about him and what makes him tick. Even when she's first getting to know him, she asks him personal questions. Even if she's the quiet type, she still demonstrates a genuine curiosity toward him. You can call her "shy" if you want to, Stefan, but from what you've reported, my gut tells me that what we have here is a girl with a case of low interest-itis. This girl did nothing to make you feel valued by her, and she did nothing to make you feel comfortable. She didn't contribute. You were doing all the work. As far as I'm concerned, this girl is on probation. So wait two weeks to call her. If she really likes you, she'll ask why you waited so long to ask her out again. Remember, guys, a woman has to like you from the get-go.

Do Men Like Women Who Take Initiative? Dear Doc Love, I don't know whom else to ask, but I'd rather ask for a man's advice than a woman's. If I asked a woman, I'd only be setting myself up for the "you made yourself look cheap, conniving and

deceitful." So here goes. I just graduated from college and finished my finals. There was this guy in my class whom I believed was very handsome in every way. He was confident, attractive and funny. I had never spoken to him before, but I only realized it when I saw him speak in class. He sat all the way in the back, and I like to sit in the front. So, knowing that we would never have gotten a chance to speak, I approached him during the 9th week of class (we have class once a week) and asked him out. I had never done that before, but I thought it would be an admirable gesture. I know that guys almost never get asked out directly, especially if a gorgeous woman initiates it. (I model bathing suits part-time -- not to brag.) I had been drooling over him for more than six weeks.

ouch, that's gonna leave a mark When I asked him out he responded with a happy, "Yeah, sure!" And then the nail biter, "Oh, you know I have a girlfriend, but we can still hang out! Do you care that I have one?" I said no because I don't care. I just wanted to get to know him over a beer, not kidnap him. We tried to get to know each other with the ten minutes we had. Everything was left openended. I thought he'd call but he didn't. It's been two months. Why, dear God, why? I can't stop obsessing over him. I know I'm very pretty and intelligent. I have a great body and beautiful face, and I came across as very sweet. He seemed enthused. What happened? I wouldn't care if he called me next month or the month after that. That's fine with me. It was left so open-ended. I left him a message on his voicemail four days after we talked, and he didn't return my call. What do you think? Did I blow it by coming on too strong? Jennifer -- who wants to know what is going on

doc love's answer Hi Jennifer, Wow. Your Interest Level [degree of love] in this guy is so high that you'll still be delighted to go out with him if he calls two months from now. So much for the protests I get from women who say that if a guy waits more than a few days to call, then a woman loses interest in him. Relax girl...

ready and willing Guys, I want you to read Jennifer's letter more than once. This is a stunning example of what lengths a beautiful woman, any woman, will go to and how flexible she can be when her Interest Level is off the charts. She hadn't even ever talked to the guy, and she broke a lifelong

pattern of passivity. Beautiful women can afford to be as passive as they want. She walked right up to her dreamboat and closed him on the spot. It's that kind of fearless, balls to the wall attitude that a lot of you guys still need to adopt. Jennifer, when you were direct, moving like a hungry animal honing in on its prey, you did great. Any one of your sisters who would have called your behavior cheap and conniving is way, way out of touch. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. "Good on ya," as they say in Australia. It's certainly possible for a woman to take the initiative to ask a guy out and still maintain her feminine grace. YOU did it.

rejection is not so sweet But Jennifer, he told you that he already had a girlfriend. You liked him so much you were willing to lie and tell him that you didn't care that he had a girlfriend. But you did care. He was being nice and going with the flow, but the Bottom Line Factor says: He didn't call. He's not available for a relationship, of any kind. You've got to stop with the obsessing and let it go. That's what smart guys learn to do. They learn that they will be rejected more often than they'll be accepted, so they learn not to focus all their hopes on one potential partner. You, Jennifer, just can't believe that any man would turn you down because no man ever has, up until now. But you gotta wake up sister. He did turn you down. Accept it and move on. If you keep obsessing about this guy, you'll be in a chronic state of distraction and likely to overlook your soul mate when he crosses your path. I do want to encourage you to not be discouraged from ever taking the initiative again. Don't wind up like one of those girls who get rejected once and then say, "Oh, I asked a guy out once but I'll never do that again. Men don't like it when women take the initiative." Your classmate didn't turn you down because men don't like it when women are direct. The reason he didn't call you wasn't because you came on too strong. He didn't call you because his interests lie elsewhere, period. Remember guys, even beautiful women sometimes get rejected.

What Do I Say After She Turns Me Down? Hi Doc, I work out in a gym that is loaded with hot chicks. I let them eye me first and I don't stare at them. Of course, I learned this technique from you and "The System." I notice other guys trying to get close to them by saying dumb things, but I keep my mouth shut.

There's a drop dead gorgeous woman -- who is married -- that I see there often and kid around with. I let her know from the beginning that I was not coming on to her, so she feels real comfortable with me and we talk frequently. The fun thing is that I notice the other women in the place staring when I make her laugh. (Like you say Doc: keep 'em laughin'.) I know that some of them have become curious about me. You can almost hear what they're thinking: "Hmm, what's the story with that guy? That woman who seems to be so charmed by him sure is beautiful." In fact, there's this other fox there named Kristen who had initiated a conversation with me after she saw me making the married gal laugh. I wasn't sure if she was just being friendly or if she had any romantic interest in me. So, as you recommend, when the timing was right I "closed" her to find out where I stood with her. Here's how it went down: Me: [Smiling] "So, Kristen, what's your home phone number?" Kristen: "Why?" Me: [Smiling, turning to leave] "It's been a pleasure talking to you Kristen. See you next time." (I knew from what you've taught me that when a girl gives me an answer like that instead of her phone number, I've already gone down in flames.) Kristen: "I can't date you because I have a boyfriend. But, like, we could hang out. I don't have a lot of friends..." I just didn't know how to respond to that. But I'd like to have a great comeback for if and when a girl says something like that to me again. I feel like maybe I blew it somehow. If I had a better comeback, then maybe I'd have gotten her number. So, Doc, any hints or tips about this particular scenario would be greatly appreciated. Chad -- who wants to know what he should have said back to her

doc love's answer Hey Chad, First of all, realize that the most important thing is not whether you got her home phone number or not. The most important thing is that you asked for it. As they say in sales, you "asked for the order." That's what counts. So many guys just don't have the sense of commitment or the courage to ask a girl point blank for her home phone number. Well here are those comebacks...

"a" for effort But you did it, Chad, and you did it in a calm, confident, self-assured manner. You didn't beg like a Teddy Bear Guy when you asked and you didn't act pissed off like an out-of-control Macho Boy when she turned you down. So you get an "A" from the Doc on this one. Congrats! Also realize that once a woman makes it clear that she has no romantic interest in you by giving you some kind of smoke-screen-type answer, then there's essentially nothing you can do in that instant to suddenly raise her Interest Level [degree of love]. As my cousin Fast "Eddie" Love would say, "If her feelings are below the 50-yard line, you're outta there!" But, Chad, in a situation like that, you can confidently throw in a clever zinger that will raise her level of respect for you when she does her "saying 'no' without really saying 'no' routine." To you Psych majors: you've got to go out smokin'.

the perfect comebacks When you asked her for her phone number and she said "Why?" you could have said, "Because I want to show you all the fun that you've been missing out on." When she said, "I can't date you because I have a boyfriend," you could have said, with a twinkle in your eye, "What if I send him on an all expense paid vacation to Miami Beach for two weeks? Will you go out with me then?" Or, "You know you dominate him and you're bored, so why are you still with him?" When she said, "But, like, we could hang out, I don't have a lot of friends," you could have said, "As soon as you get rid of your boyfriend, I'll be happy to be your friend." Or, "Why is it that people don't want to get close to you?" That one would be guaranteed to twist her head around. But, Chad, I don't want you to be obsessing on what you could have or should have done. You did great because, as I said, you asked for the order. Just keep studying and practicing "The System." And keep closing when you know that the timing is right. Remember, guys, without respect from a woman, you have nothing.

Women Don't Want Men Who Are Available Dear Doc Love, I've probably read about ten of your articles, so I know some things about your "System," but

I also know that I have a lot to learn. I'm very confused about something that keeps happening to me with women and I'm hoping that you just might be the guy to solve this mystery for me once and for all. I am pretty good at meeting women. The place that I do best is at bookstores that have a coffee house attached, places like Borders or Barnes & Noble. I'll notice a girl reading a book at a table and then I'll ask her something about the book. Then I might tell her about the really interesting book that I'm reading, and it just kind of flows from there. If I'm really conscientious, I can get maybe ten or twelve phone numbers in a week and out of those, I'll get two or three actual dates, which I figure is a pretty good batting average. (I hear stories from some guys who get phone numbers but almost no actual dates.)

i'm the perfect gentleman Once we're together at a restaurant, I try to be as gentlemanly as possible. I never swear or use foul language. I keep the conversation on a positive track. I always ask her a lot of questions about herself and I never talk about other women or flirt with the waitress. After about an hour or so, I always ask her if she's having a good time and if there's anything I can do to make things more enjoyable for her. I also always check with her at the end of the date to see how she thinks things went and if she felt comfortable with me. As well, I usually call the girl the next day and tell her what a great time I had, and how much I enjoyed her company. And then, I ask her if she'd like to go out on a second date. That's where it all goes down the tubes because they always come up with some excuse for why they can't go out with me again. I have to tell you that I simply cannot understand why this keeps happening to me! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, thanks Doc Love. P.S. Could it have anything to do with the place that I'm meeting these girls. Is it just that there's a very high percentage of flaky girls who hang out in bookstores? Mason -- who can't get a second date

doc love's answer Hi Mason, I can definitely help you. The reasons why you aren't getting second dates are blatantly obvious to anyone who has been studying "The System." It's really no mystery. So you can relax Mason because by the end of this article, your journey to greater success with women will have already started.

Here's where we start...

step up to the plate We're going to get you out of your "Sophomore Slump," as they say in baseball. (That's when a rookie who did pretty good the first year just ain't cuttin' it in the second.) But before I reveal what you've been doing wrong, I want to commend you on what you've been doing right. Any guy who has the confidence and charm to be able to strike up conversations with numerous girls who are total strangers and wind up with twelve different phone numbers in a week is one hell of a "closer"! It takes real determination and a whole lot of testosterone to make that happen. Most guys don't get that many phone numbers in a year! Yet it's interesting Mason, that you're so confident, aggressive and unapologetic when it comes to asking for phone numbers and then so overly eager to please when you're out on the date. Your overeagerness and your intense need for approval are the things that are turning these chicks off.

never cut to the chase Women want a gentleman but they want a gentleman who is a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], and the style you're using right now, Mason, is anti-Challenge. The babes are sensing that you're desperately hoping they'll like you and whatever Interest Level [degree of love] they may have started with simply evaporates by the end of a first date with you (or sooner). You have to stop trying so hard to please them. You're too accommodating and you're being like that because you're afraid that if you don't cater to their every whim, they won't like you. Instead, you need to take that same fearlessness that you have when you first introduce yourself to these women and carry it over into all your interactions with them. You have to start not caring so much whether you are pleasing them or not. You have to stop being so damn available. I'm not done with you yet...

curiosity gets the kitten During the first sixty days of courtship, women don't want to think that you're available. They want to think that you're unavailable. That's what keeps them curious and interested. It sounds strange, but it's true. You need to learn how to keep them on their toes. Keep them off balance. Keep them wondering whether they are going to be able to win you over or not. It's good to keep the conversation on a positive track. It's good to not mention other women.

And of course, never flirt with the waitress when you're on a dinner date with a girl. But, beyond that Mason, I recommend that you immediately cease and desist with all the checking in with your date to see if she's comfortable or if she's having a good time or how she thinks the date is "going." This behavior is sinking your Love Boat before it ever gets out of the dock.

never call right away And as painful as it may be to hear, Mason, I've got to give you the rest of your dose of Truth Medicine. Any woman who has a shred of Interest Level left at the end of a first date with you loses it when you, Mr. Eager Beaver, Mr. Lonely Guy, call her the next day, looking for more approval. That's way, way too soon to be calling for a second date. You might as well just say: "I know I'm a loser, but please, please have pity on me and like me just a little, please?" So now you're mystery has been solved Mason. It's not that every Borders and Barnes & Noble is filled with flaky chicks. Your problem is that you are not being a Challenge, at all! So start studying "The System" seriously, keep getting those phone numbers and start being a Challenge. Remember, guys, you need to make women work to win you over.

Was She Hitting On Me Or Just Teasing? Dear Doc, I live in the town of Lahaina on the island of Maui in Hawaii. I work at one of the luxury hotels nearby doing therapeutic massage, mostly for visiting tourists. Okay, so there's this really cute blonde girl, another local, named Moonstar (I'm not kidding), who is the town flower girl. By that I mean she goes around to all the restaurants with a basket of flowers, and tries to get guys to buy some for their girlfriend, date or wife. She's really quite stunning. She's about 24, 5'9" or so, with gorgeous thick blonde hair that's almost as long as her extra long legs. I've been seeing this girl around town night after night for about four months now, and she seems to be pretty street smart. Always with her basket of flowers, always trying to lure another guy into coughin' up the cash for some babe's floral fetish.

she offered me her flower All right, so a few nights ago I was standing out in front of this music club with two other buddies of mine, and there she was again with her basket of flowers. Well, she walks right up

to me, and while ignoring my two other friends she says, "I want to give you something from my heart to yours." Then she hands me this exotic looking flower and smiles, and then walks away. I was pretty shocked. In fact, I was so surprised that I just stood there kind of frozen and didn't do or say anything. Then one of my friends, who has been reading your stuff, says to me, "Hey, she's got high Interest Level. You should go ask her for her phone number." I told him that I thought that she was probably just flirting. Then he says, "Dude, those were heavy buying signals, you should have closed her!" Then he throws some more of your lingo at me and says, "Well maybe it's better that you didn't close her right then and there. It makes you look like more of a Challenge." Right after that, my friend had to get going, but he gave me your e-mail address and told me you could explain all this. He really made me curious. I have a hunch that he's onto something with your info. So I would like to understand what all those things mean, and I'd also like to know what you think I should have done and what I should do now. I'd be one happy guy if I really had a chance with this girl. Ulrich -- who wants to learn

doc love's answer Hi Ulrich, Although Moonstar is a gorgeous goddess who surely has more guys after her than Osama Bin Laden, someone is going to capture her heart, and it could just be that she has nominated you as a candidate. Yes, but how, indeed, do we determine if she was merely toying with you, like a cat with a mouse, or, seriously trying to seduce you? Here's the plan...

this is your bible When you start using "The System" for success with women, you no longer have to suffer with lingering doubt and confusion about where you stand with a girl. I give you practical tools to weed out the sweethearts from the phonies and strokers. So Ulrich, the number one weapon I can give you today to put in your arsenal, for discovering what's what in a situation like this, is the ABC strategy: Always Be Closing. To "close" is to go for it. To take the risk and ask for what you want, either verbally or nonverbally, depending on the situation. What you wanted in this situation, Ulrich (you just didn't know it), was Moonstar's home phone number. But when she approached you and sprinkled

her flower fairy dust on you, you became entranced and as mute as an Enron executive at a Congressional hearing who's been asked, "Where did all the money go?"

get out of limbo If, rather than clamming up, you closed her for her home phone number, she would have then done one of two things. She would have either given it to you or she wouldn't have given it to you, and instead would have come up with some kind of excuse or diversion. If you had asked her for her number and she had given it to you, you would then have known that she was at least potentially serious about connecting with you. If she failed to give you her number, for whatever reason, you would have then known that she was just getting off on giving you false hope when, for one brief shining moment, she focused all her attention and feminine charms on you and you alone. So, Ulrich, as your friend said, "You should have closed her." But you didn't close her and now you're livin' in limbo. Most guys who fail to close a girl when the window of opportunity momentarily opens, wind up kicking themselves and wallowing in regret for weeks because without a phone number, they'll never see the girl or even talk to her again.

put yourself on the line Have you ever seen an ad that's been placed in the personals section of your local paper by some pitiful bastard who met a girl someplace, like on a bus, but didn't have the guts to ask her for her number at the time? "DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR YOU! We met on the 4:15 bus to Studio City last Tuesday. We talked about white water rafting and our mutual dislike of Rosie O'Donnell. You're the tall, thin girl with long black hair and a beautiful smile. Please, please leave me your number at box #1234." Fortunately for you, Ulrich, there's a very high probability that you will see this gal again. And technically, your friend is right; she may have experienced you as more of a Challenge (more mysterious) when you didn't react at all. But guys, not closing right away in a situation like this, only works to your advantage when it's guaranteed that you will soon see your potential love interest again. So, Ulrich, the next time you see Moonstar, make sure that before you part company with her, you say the five magic words: "What's your home phone number?" Remember, guys, the first three letters of the alphabet are ABC.

The Ex In The Background Syndrome

Hey Doc, I met a young lady while I was running. We somehow finished our run at the same time, and a conversation sprang up. I asked her if she'd like to maybe run together again sometime. She said, "Yes, let me give you my number." (Right away I'm thinking, high Interest Level ). We talked on the phone the next night (probably too soon, but I maintained a confident attitude) and in that phone call she said, "For some reason I'm so attracted to your personality." We met to run together that weekend. It was one of the best dates I've ever had and everything was just flowing. So when we walked back to our cars, we kind of stood there and I said, "Do you want to sit in my car and listen to some music?" She said, "Yeah, I was hoping you would ask." We sat there and talked and looked at each other very lovingly and kissed for a long time. Also, she told me that she felt like she was 10 years old again.

things were going great We went out the next night. Everything was cool until she told me that she recently broke up with some guy. She basically said that if we were going to get into anything, I needed to approach it very slowly because she's emotionally fragile at the moment. This new twist was something I didn't know how to handle. We made a date to run again on Thursday. I called her at 11am and woke her up. She said that she needed to cancel our running date because her girlfriend was in the hospital and she wanted to bring her dinner. She also said that she only had a few hours of sleep the night before. I told her, "When we make a date, if you are going to break it, please give me a call beforehand." I also told her that she could have run with me and also take dinner to her girlfriend. She responded to that with, "Is that the only reason you called, to give me a hard time?" I left a message the next day, but no return message. I went to her house two days later hoping that she had been gone all weekend and never got the message, but it turns out that she had been there the whole time. She told me that she didn't call me back because when I corrected her about breaking the date, she felt really bad and with what she's going through, she can't afford to get into an emotional situation right now. So, Doc, that was that. I walked away from her door two weeks ago and have not made contact since. No calls, no e-mail. I would like to be the best man I can be in this situation. I don't need her to love me. If the best thing for me to do would be to be her friend until she feels stable, then so be it. But I would like to see her again in some capacity. And I don't want it to be some big drama on my part. It was so light and great at first. Where do I go from here?

Collins -- who wants to bridge the gap

doc love's answer Hi Collins, You want to bridge the gap? Bridge the Grand Canyon is more like it! I'll bet if I went over to my bookshelf and pulled out my big fat Webster's dictionary and I looked up the definition for "nave," I'd find your photo there, Collins. This girl's been jerkin' your chain, dude, and unfortunately you're totally clueless. Get a clue...

you're not alone What's even sadder is that I get several letters similar to yours every day! There are tens of thousands of good guys out there with good jobs and good intentions who sincerely want a good woman. But they just don't get there because they don't have the awareness and skills that they need to win the dating game. They're naïve just like you, Collins. Obviously, you've begun to study "The System" because you have some awareness of the concept of Interest Level [degree of love]. But you've got a heck of a lot more studying to do. You've made so many blunders with this chick that there are almost too many to list. Nevertheless, I'm going to quickly review the biggies.

bad start bro Your approach with this gal was weak from the get-go. Never say something like "Would you like to maybe run together again sometime?" Instead you should have merely said: "What's your home phone number?" When she volunteered her phone number, you should have asked her, "When's the best time to call you?" Then you could have called her at a completely different time, which would have made you more of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. You knew that it was a mistake to call her the next night, but you rationalized your decision with the idea that you were maintaining a "confident attitude." Like most men in that kind of situation, you allowed your own impatience and neediness to dictate your actions. You were chompin' at the bit. You were jonesin' like a junkie for instant gratification. You were saying to yourself, "Her Interest Level is so high that I can get away with this." But the Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that you didn't. What you should do in this situation...

you're the rebound guy And it's one thing to make a blunder like that out of ignorance. But since you had already begun to study "The System," you knew it was wrong to call so soon but you did it anyway! Why bother to learn success strategies if you're going to trash them at a time when you need them most? In spite of your self-sabotaging behavior, Collins, you did wind up making out with her in the car, and that was the last time you ever will. Remember that you can have a deliriously delightful smooch fest with a girl and it can easily turn out that it meant nothing to her. Why? Because you haven't gotten past sixty days. To you Psych majors: You gotta get your time in. When she told you that she had just "broken it off" with some guy and that she was emotionally fragile, that was Womanese for: "He dumped me and I'm still strung out on him." I call it, "Boyfriend in the Background" syndrome. A woman with BBS will do things like have a heavy make-out session with a guy just for entertainment, to momentarily distract her from her painful longing for Mr. Jerk. When she broke the date at the last minute, she was rude and disrespectful. Her story was a bunch of malarkey. When you busted her on her bull, she threw another insult at you. And you want to be friends with this girl? I'd take a personal check from Don King first.

be a challenge, not a stalker You totally lost it when you went over to her house to see why she hadn't returned your call. Remember Collins, stalking is illegal, plus it's anti-Challenge. The one thing you did right was walk away and stop all contact with her when you started to get that it became a no-win situation for you. If you had been a super Challenge from the start, you might have gotten a whole lot more respect and authentic interest from this girl. Yes, the power of Challenge can even overcome BBS. But it's too late now, guy. If you want to wind up being her butler and therapist, then go ahead and follow through with your idea to be "friends" with her. But I say you're better off using the time you'd waste doing that to seriously study what it means to be a Challenge. Remember guys, in the Jungle of Love, there's nothing more dangerous than your own high Interest Level.

Never Take Her Back If She Dumped You

Dear Doc Love, After being in a committed relationship for over a year and a half, she told me she thought "we should take some time off," about three weeks ago. I must confess that I was absolutely dumbstruck when she came up with that. It seemed like things were pretty good with us. I mean, we had our arguments and stuff, but we always seemed to work through any big problems. I tried to find out why she wanted this, but I couldn't get her to be specific in any way. She just said that she felt like she's "grown" a lot and that I haven't. I told her that whatever way she felt that I should grow, I could learn and change. But she said it was "too late" for that. I know this sounds like the standard cliché right out of a made-for-TV movie, but this is really the conversation we had. When I asked her how much time she thought we should take off, she said she wasn't sure. Well it didn't take me long to figure out that "time off" really meant the end. I found out from a mutual friend that she's already been dating some other guy, a bartender, and that they've already been intimate! I hate to admit it, but I am still hopelessly in love with her and I would do anything to get her back. The thought of going back into the singles scene is totally depressing to me. My friend just turned me on to your articles at AskMen.com and told me that you have "The System" for success with women that really works. He says that you have all the answers, so my questions are why did she leave and what should I do to get her back? Dante -- who hopes there's a way

doc love's answer Hi Dante, Since you're obviously a new reader, I'm going to give you some basic info about Interest Level [degree of love]. When you and your former girlfriend first started going steady, she had a high level of romantic interest toward you. She had strong loving feelings for you. So what went wrong?

pour her some of that But, at some point, probably about six to eight months or so into the relationship, her Interest Level in you reached its peak and then began to slowly erode. Over the ensuing months, it finally sank so low that she wanted to be with Mr. Gin and Tonic instead of you.

Now this is important, Dante. I want you to understand that her Interest Level didn't drop from 90% or higher to almost nothing in one day, although it seems that way to you. Just about all men who get dumped by a woman think that the woman's Interest Level died overnight, but the Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that it takes time for a woman who's in love to fall out of love.

get a clue You were "dumbstruck" when she dumped you, Dante, because you failed to pick up on the signs and clues she was giving you as her Interest Level was diminishing. You didn't really think much about it, but she began to be less affectionate, a little less passionate, a bit more argumentative, and more distracted. These are the kinds of things I call "red flags," and Dante, it sounds to me as if you missed a ton of them. Maybe in your mind, you two always worked through any big problems, but in your ex's mind, she kept adding up the penalty points. Of course she never informed you of that. Although she was exhibiting symptoms of low-interestitis, she was still concealing her true feelings from you. (You'll never hear a woman say, "Honey, I think you should know that my romantic Interest Level is starting to slide so could you please do what you used to do that was keeping it so high?") Also, Dante, I need to inform you that when you told her that you could "grow and change," you were groveling. Never grovel for a woman, unless she has you in a physically threatening position. Why women leave...

and she's outta there! So, Dante, why did she leave? She left because you did too many things over time to lower her Interest Level. What were those things? In order to answer that question, I would need to have more information about your relationship. I need specifics rather than generalities like, "we argued." To you Psych majors, you gotta be like a love cop on Law and Order . But I can tell you that whatever you did to lower her Interest Level would fit into a couple of basic categories. Either you stopped being a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] or you failed to give her affection, respect and romance. So please, start studying "The System" to learn how to be a Challenge on a consistent basis and how to keep a woman's Interest Level high. If you do that, you'll never have to experience this kind of pain again.

it's only just begun

Realize, Dante, that once a woman's Interest Level sinks below the 50% mark, it's past the point of no return. You've got to face it dude, you're out and that's it! No Vegas bookmaker would give you a snowball's chance in Hades for getting it back together with this gal, who no longer wants your body or your heart. It's time to get back out there, however discouraged you may feel, and start getting phone numbers. And if you begin getting pangs of longing for your ex, just make a list of all the things about her that you didn't like. Then keep reading it -- like a hundred times a day. Remember, guys, always be on the lookout for those red flags or "you'll be sorry."

Her Kiss Tells You Everything Doc Love, There's a woman in my office building that I'm really interested in. She's a knockout. We've been talking on the phone and have gone out dancing for a month or so, and she seems to like it when I flirt with her. The other day, we were making jokes about some old guy trying to get her number, and she mentioned that she wasn't interested in any guy! This confuses me. Was that her way of saying that I didn't have a chance, or was she just making conversation? I've stopped pursuing her, and I don't call her as much. I'm still confused. Any answers? Spencer -- who wants to know if he played it right

doc love's answer Hi Spencer, All your confusion about where you stand with this woman is based on your failure to "close" her properly. From what you've told me, it's pretty obvious that you haven't even tried to kiss her. It's been over a month. What were you waiting for, a lightning bolt from God? Flirting isn't closing. You can flirt with a woman from here to kingdom come, and it won't tell you a damn thing about her Interest Level [degree of love]. Women who have no romantic interest in you whatsoever will flirt with you in a manner that is virtually indistinguishable from the way a girl who is gaga over you would. You've got to move in for the kill...

is she a stroker?

It's impossible to tell the difference between a stroker and a sweetheart until the pedal hits the metal. By making a move for a lip-to-lip kiss, (a peck on the cheek doesn't qualify), you can call a stroker's bluff. (It's also how you can give the sweetheart what she's been hoping and waiting for.) Have you ever had the experience, Spencer, of having a blast doing some serious R-rated dirty dancing with a chick at a nightclub and then winding up with nothing more to show for all your bumping and grinding than a parting, "Thanks, that was fun" from her? Flirting can be more thrilling than a full body search at the airport but the only way you can interpret the meaning and motivations behind it is when you close. Flirting can mean everything or it can mean absolutely nothing. You have to ask yourself, Spencer, "Why haven't I made a move? Am I terrified that she'll reject me if I do? Am I trying to prove to her that I'm not like all those other guys? Am I too 'nice' for my own good?" Sure, it would be great if guys didn't always have to be the ones who put their egos on the line and make the first move. Women have the luxury of never having to risk rejection if they don't want to, and they can still have all the affection and intimacy they could ever want or need. But like it or not, we're stuck with the sticky and tricky job of taking all the risk.

if only... In rare instances, the woman will make the first move, but her Interest Level has to be in the 90s ranges and that's not where it usually starts out. Even when it is higher than Darryl Strawberry on a bad day, the woman still might hold out for quite awhile, waiting for the man to make the first move. Actually, you can lower a woman's Interest Level in you by letting too much time go by without taking the initiative to get more intimate. It demonstrates a lack of confidence, and it can be a turnoff to women. You weren't able to tell me where this gal's Interest Level in you started, Spencer, but it's possible that that's what has happened. When she said, "I'm not interested in any guy," it wasn't exactly something that a woman with high Interest Level would say. If she really liked you, then I don't think she would say something like that because she'd be concerned that it would discourage you and turn you off (which it did). On the other hand, I think her Interest Level started out high and then sank as she noticed that you lacked courage and were too available to chitchat on the phone (which is anti-Challenge).

smooch it up Still, Spencer, we don't know for sure whether her Interest Level in you is high or low. But there's a simple, easy and effective way to get a read on it.

Call her up, take her out somewhere fun and at the end of the evening, do your best to lay a lovely smooch on her. If she turns her head and gives you her cheek to kiss instead of her lips, then you know you're dead meat. If she sucks your tongue out of your head, then you'll know you've got a live one. Remember, guys, never end a first date without going for that kiss!

Is There Ever A Reason To Break A Date? Dear Doc, I saw this ridiculously pretty girl -- let's call her Sandy -- at my yoga class a few weeks ago. She kept smiling at me, so I followed your advice and immediately after class, right in front of a bunch of other women (I couldn't talk to her in private), I asked for her phone number. When I asked her, this sort of "should I or shouldn't I" look came over her face for a few seconds. That's when I felt like Oh man, I shouldn't have been so direct so soon. Now I'm really going to look like a fool. But then, almost like a miracle, she reached into her purse and took out a pen and paper, wrote down her number and handed it to me, and then gave me another great smile. I was totally stoked when she handed me that piece of paper. I also have to say that I really felt good about myself for taking the risk. I asked for the home phone number, Doc, and I did it with an audience of people watching. I walked out of that yoga class feeling like a hero. So, Sandy and I have gone out twice since then, and both dates went really well. We seem to have good chemistry together. We were scheduled to go out a third time last Tuesday night, but on Tuesday afternoon she called me at work to say that she reluctantly had to cancel our date.

her pooch was priority She said that her dog, "Roscoe," had been injured by a car that morning and that she needed to stay with him at the veterinary hospital. She did, however, apologize profusely for having to cancel and wanted to reschedule right then and there for the following Tuesday. I hesitated for a moment because I know you say that any broken date is bad news, but she was so insistent and so enthusiastic that I felt like I'd be a jerk if I didn't accept. Still, I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Did I blow it, Doc? How should I handle this now? Tanner -- who wants to know if he did the right thing

doc love's answer Hey Tanner, First of all, let me commend you for summoning up the courage to "close" Sandy while an audience of other females looked on. I know from my early days as a junior Love Doctor how intimidating that can be. Most guys chicken out when they have an audience watching once it's time to ask for the number, even though they're dying to ask for it. But Tanner, once you commit to taking action, you have to stay committed and maintain a positive attitude. One moment of hesitation from this girl and you were ready to sell out "The System." And if she said no...

way to go So what if she said no. You did the right thing. You noticed she was flirting with you. Then you made your move because you were interested in her and you needed her number to be able to ask her out. You did exactly what you're supposed to do. You should never feel insecure or be apologetic about asking a girl for her home phone number. Even if she tries to shame you after you ask (which they sometimes do). All right, now let's examine this broken date situation as a detective from "Love and Order" would. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that we don't know if Sandy's excuse is completely legitimate or if it's total fiction. Usually, even the most compelling story a girl gives you for breaking a date turns out to be just that -- a story. And she winds up canceling any subsequent date that you arrange with her as well. Once I had a girl call me as I was walking out the door to pick her up, and tell me that she had to cancel our date because her pregnant sister was just going into labor and she had to meet her at the hospital. It turned out she didn't have a sister.

just a little bit The main issue here, Tanner, is respect. When you accept a counteroffer for another date from a girl who is calling to break a date, you're, in effect, telling her that she has your permission to jerk you around. What you should have said was, "Sandy, we don't know how quickly little Roscoe is going to recover, and he is going to need your full attention and care for awhile. So let's wait and see how he does before we reschedule." Saying something like that would be taking charge of the situation and taking your power back. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "When that lil' mustang gets ornery on you, you gotta pull back on the reigns."

At this point, the strongest thing you can do is call Sandy back on Monday and break the Tuesday date with her. Make up some convincing whopper of your own. Don't suggest any day as an alternative. Instead, just say, "So hey, I'm in a rush right now, but let's talk later on." Do not tell her that you will call her . Keep it ambiguous. Then, you have to out-wait her. If she never calls back, then you'll know that her Interest Level [degree of love] in you was never high to begin with, and you will have saved yourself from more disappointment and another wasted $100 on dinner for two. In order for the two of you to go out again, she must call you . She must apologize again. And, she must ask you out. If she does all those things, then you can put her on probation and give her another chance. But one more red flag from this babe and it's Adios Amiga! Remember guys, to ask yourselves: "How many dates have I broken in my entire life?"

Can Gal-Pals Help You Meet Women? Dear Doc, I have this friend, let's call her Karen. She's not a total knockout, but she's definitely pretty. She's also a great dresser and she has a very "classy" air about her. Even though I'm not dating anyone right now, I'm not romantically interested in her. She's just not my type physically, but we really do get along well. She's really my one good female friend right now. We often go out to this trendy pool hall in Hollywood together, usually on Tuesday nights. There's really quite a scene going on there, even on Tuesday nights, and the place is just swarming with babes every time we go. There's a situation that keeps coming up when we're out together that I'm not sure how to handle. It happened again just last night when we were at the pool hall. Karen went to the bar to get us a couple of beers. During the five minutes that she was gone, this exotic-looking woman who had been playing pool with her girlfriend at the table next to us walked right over to me, and asked me for advice on how to properly hold the cue stick. She said her name was "Randa."

stick it to her! Now I know from reading your articles that that was a sign of her having some Interest Level in me. She didn't have to come over and ask for my advice. It was pretty obvious that it was an excuse she had created to make contact with me. We joked around for a couple minutes, and I made her laugh. But she had already seen me with Karen. (Karen touches me a lot so in this girl's mind, Karen and I were probably boyfriend and girlfriend, or at least out on a date.)

Then Karen came back with the beers. I wanted to ask Randa for her home phone number but I didn't because, first of all, I didn't feel comfortable doing that right in front of Karen. Even though we're just friends, I felt like it wouldn't be a classy thing to do. And second, I was afraid that I would look like a sneaky cheat or a jerk in Randa's eyes if I asked for her phone number while I was with a girl who she most likely thought was my date. Still, I'm not sure whether Randa would have cared about that or not. She did come on to me even though she had already seen me with Karen. Or maybe she came on to me because she saw me with Karen. Anyway, do you see my problem here? And this situation has come up more than once. So Doc, what does "The System" say about dealing with this kind of situation? Frankie -- who wants to do the right thing

doc love's answer Hey Frankie, Is this the way you live your whole life, always sacrificing your needs for the approval of others? Do you usually play it so safe? While you're busy doing only what you think you should do and not doing what you think you shouldn't, your love life is going nowhere fast. This guy's missing out on a huge secret...

are you really friends? There you are, out with your female friend whom you have no romantic interest in, and you're afraid of offending her by making a play for another woman? Look dude, if she's your friend, then she's your friend. That means she has the same status as a guy who is your friend. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Friends support and encourage each other when it comes to makin' out." If you asked Randa for her phone number right then and there, and Karen wound up being bothered by that, it would have meant one of two things. Either she's not really your friend, or she likes you romantically and you're oblivious to it. But, I'd bet that if you had made your move with Randa, that Karen would have been just as pleased as punch for you. You were afraid to risk Karen's disapproval when there was no risk. (And the Feministas say that all men are a bunch of inconsiderate louts!) As far as Randa goes, she knew nothing about the nature of your relationship with Karen. No one said anything to her about Karen being your girlfriend. For all she knew, Karen could

have been your big sister. Anyway, Randa was obviously giving you plenty of buying signals. She didn't seem to be so concerned about what Karen might think, so why should you?

use your platonic pals Frankie, you're lucky to have a hot-looking woman like Karen who likes to pal around with you. I'd suggest that you take her out with you every chance you get and use her to help you meet women. You can help her meet guys, too. It's called "The Buddy System." Karen obviously has a lot of "strike power" and that only makes you look more alluring to the other kitty cats when they see you with her, as you've already experienced. You can tell women you meet that she's your sister as you flash them a "cat who ate the canary" grin. As my cousin, Sal, "The Fish," Love would say, "Always keep 'em guessin'." Remember, guys, if you have a beautiful female buddy, be sure to take her with you when you go out hunting.

How To Pass The Physical Attraction Test Dear Doc, You say that in order for a woman to be interested in a guy at all, he first must pass what you call "The Physical Attraction Test." You say that if she's not physically attracted to him, then the guy is pretty much powerless to raise her Interest Level above the critical 50% threshold. You really make a big deal out of how you might as well give up any hope of getting anywhere with a girl if she's not physically attracted to you, which makes sense. But, in other articles of yours, I notice that you encourage guys to always go for the 9s and 10s if they feel confident enough to take the risk. You seem to be telling guys who might rate only, say, a 5 on the looks scale -- who don't have a chance of passing a 10s looks standards -to try anyway. I'm confused. If "passing the physical" is the number one prerequisite that must be fulfilled before anything can go anywhere, then why should a guy ever pitch a girl who's way out of his league? Clarence -- who just doesn't get it

doc love's answer Dear Clarence,

I like your question. Let's start at square one. Okay, so you're a single guy and you want to get yourself a girlfriend. The first thing you have to do is put yourself in an environment where you can meet single, available women. Once you find a place to meet women where you feel comfortable, whether it's a ballroom dancing class or a biker bar, you should approach and strike up a conversation with as many different women as you can. Some of them may be 6s, some of them may be 10s, but you should talk to all of them. Why? Because you never know who you're going to click with. To you Psych majors: chemistry is everything. Go for all the women in the room...

widen your peripheral vision I don't recommend that you fixate on only the most beautiful women. You may meet a 6 ½ who has a 10+ personality, and wind up having an incredibly wonderful committed relationship with her. Remember, the Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that the lower a girl's rating on the beauty scale, the higher her level of giving, sweetness and flexibility usually tends to be. Now, on the other hand, I encourage you not to be intimidated in any way by the 10s. It's bad policy to look at a drop-dead gorgeous woman and tell yourself that she's out of your league. Why? Because you never can tell what kind of guy she may find attractive. You may think of yourself as a 6, but she might see you as a 9 because there's some quirky thing about you that just rings her bell. Good looks are subjective. How many times, Clarence, have you seen a strikingly gorgeous woman with a guy who ain't no big deal in the looks department?

you don't need to be brad pitt There's another reason to always pitch whatever woman you're interested in, including the 10s. It could turn out that you just barely pass the physical, but you do squeak by. Once you do, you can then use "The System" to slowly but surely raise her Interest Level [degree of love]. It'll give you a huge advantage over the hunky pretty boy who comes on too heavy, too quickly and that can't keep his hands off a woman. The point I'm making is that you never know whether you're going to pass the physical with any chick, a 5 or a 10, until you check it out. Every woman is different; every single one is unique. Lisa likes tall, thin blonde guys, but her twin sister, Liza, will date only stocky Latin men. Go figure.

Also, remember that the only reason you're pitching so many different women is so you can find the one for you. All you need is one. You only need to keep greeting and meeting new babes until you find Miss Right (and get past two months with her.) Remember guys, you never know who's going to like you until you check it out.

Do Real Men Say, "I Love You"? Dear Doc, I have been a student of "The System" for about six months now, and my romantic life has improved immeasurably. It has also taught me a great deal about where I've gone wrong in the past. Looking back on past failures, and looking forward in the hope of avoiding future failures, I have a question about one of your key concepts: Challenge. I think I understand how to apply Challenge in the first sixty days and beyond that into the first four or five months of a relationship. (For the first sixty days, keep 'em guessing if you like them, then, keep them guessing about how much you like them). But what happens to Challenge once the man and woman both acknowledge the relationship as serious and longterm? What happens after the "I love you"s have been said? What happens after you get married or just move in together? When I look back at failed relationships, using the principles of "The System" as my guide, I am amazed at how accurate it is in explaining my initial successes and my subsequent failures. Time and again -- without even realizing it -- I've presented a Challenge to the woman for the first sixty days -- and sometimes for several months after that. But there always comes a point, after we move in together, where I lose all concept of Challenge and things become predictable and stale, or I lose whatever sense of mystery I might have had. That's when her Interest Level starts to sink. My question to you, Doc, is: what are some examples of how Challenge can be applied over a long-term relationship? Once she knows you have high Interest Level and that you're going to be around indefinitely, how do you apply Challenge? How do you remain mysterious or aloof when you're living under the same roof? How do you get her to continue chasing you, if you're waking up in the same bed together month after month? She knows you're going to be her date on Friday and Saturday night because you've been involved for eight months and you're living together -- or you're married! So how do you remain a Challenge? Willis -- who realizes the importance of Challenge and wants to keep it going over the long haul

doc love's answer Hi Willis, Let me help you out here. Even though you and a woman may be living together, either as lovers or as husband and wife, you need not "lose all concept of Challenge." It is certainly possible to maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] over the long haul. You can maintain Challenge the whole time...

are you a sailor or a captain? Let's get right to the heart of the matter and address one of the stickiest, trickiest and most "challenging" Challenge problems that arise in a long-term relationship. I'm talking about the confrontation that can make a 6'4" Navy Seal commando shiver with fear and trepidation. Yes, I mean the dreaded "I love you" problem. All serious students of "The System" know that you, the man, should never be the first to say, "I love you." And it's best that once your honey whispers those three lovely words to you, you do not immediately reciprocate. You can't be a Pavlovian dog who automatically responds to stimulus. Anyway, it's unnatural for a man to say such things. Would Clint Eastwood be caught dead saying something so syrupy? Would Ice-T ever speak in such a sissified manner? Would the Terminator even talk at all except to strike terror into the hearts of his adversaries?

silence is key The point I'm getting at is that one of the most powerful ways to maintain a sense of Challenge in your long-term relationship is to say "I love you" only occasionally. If you start overusing those words, or any other form of "love-speak," it will lose its meaning and she'll think she's on your highest pedestal. The best way to let a woman know that you love her is through your actions, not your words. Your physical presence tells her that you are committed while your silence keeps up the Challenge factor -- silence is golden after all. If you have a good woman who truly loves you, she will tell you that she loves you often. Let her do it. You can smile and grunt with delight and hug her and hold her when she does, but it's best that you don't say anything. Even though she may complain that you don't say "I love you" back, in the grand scheme of things, she'll be happier because her romantic Interest Level [degree of love] in you will stay much higher than if you were dutifully parroting those words back to her whenever she said them to you.

But how will she react?

make a large deposit Now I know what you're thinking: Women don't let up. What the hell do you do when your gal really puts on the pressure because she hasn't heard the "L" word from you in months? Well, here's a tip. Try this. Say, "All right, sweetheart, I'm going to make a big deposit in your love bank right now that should last for months and months." Then playfully say, "I love you I love you I love you I love you..." a total of thirty times or so. Or you can say, with a twinkle in your eye, "Honey, didn't you marry me because you knew I was the strong, silent type? You wouldn't want me to change now just to get your approval, would you? How could you respect me if I did?" When the going gets tough, diffuse the situation with ambiguity and humor. You can do it! If you employ this romantic strategy while continuing to give your mate plenty of affection, her Interest Level will remain high and she'll never leave you. Remember, guys, in a long-term relationship, keep your heart open and your mouth shut.

The Art Of Interpreting Mixed Messages Dear Doc, I have been reading your column for the last year and have found it both entertaining and enlightening, so a sincere thank you is in order. I can see how remaining a Challenge and having women pursue you is a better plan. You see, Doc, I am 31 years old, I have been married twice and after studying your articles and "The System," I see the mistakes I have made. Now my modus operandi has changed. I write today because of my interest in a workmate. From the moment we met, there seemed to be a connection. The eye contact was playful, and every so often she gave a little flirtation that I never initiated. We are both teachers at a rather exclusive, private middle school and we work on a team, so we spend a good deal of time together. Over the past three months I have grown very fond of her. She is educated, caring, worldtraveled, and we share similar interests. She has a great attitude that is giving and considerate, and she has a feminine grace about her that I find alluring. In no way have I made a "move." I have not told her how beautiful she is or how I would like to give her after-school tutoring and detention! One, she has a boyfriend, two it seems

unprofessional and three, it could be detrimental to our work environment. Sure she has caught me looking at her as the overhead projector shines in her face, but hey, I am human. She has dropped clues that she is interested in me. For instance, she once told me that we would be great parents as we both have the same style with children. She tells me her plans for the future and asks for my advice. On one occasion she said she wanted to get her masters and move to another location. I asked her what her boyfriend thought about that, and she said she wasn't sure. She makes little reference to her boyfriend. Though when she does, she says things that make their relationship seem unimportant. She has gone out of her way to give me rides to work and offered me her phone number "if anything should come up." I have remained professional, I have never called her and I keep my compliments secular, telling her how I think she is a great teacher and how I admire her dedication and professionalism. In the beginning I was just struck by her beauty, but now that I know her better, I am falling for her. So here is the conundrum. Do I make a move or not? I know the problems that can arise at work. She is already in a relationship. What do you think I should do? What do you think her degree of interest is? Right now it is intriguing and fun, and I sure look forward to going to work. Telly -- who wants your insight

doc love's answer Hi Telly, Thanks for the compliment. I'm glad that I've been able to make a difference in your life. Stick with the Doc, and you'll never find yourself in divorce court again. Women love to flirt, and it looks like you were her victim...

you could be mr. right All right, now, besides taxes and death, there's one other thing in life that is for certain: women love to flirt. It's one of the things they do best. It's a kind of natural ability they're born with. They'll flirt with you and think nothing of it. They'll flirt with you just because you're there. They'll flirt with you simply to keep in practice for when Mr. Right shows up. They'll flirt with you so deliciously that after five minutes, you'll find yourself falling in love, while they're merely enjoying exercising their power. Add to this, Telly, the fact that your co-worker likes you, feels comfortable with you and spends a lot of time with you in a non-threatening environment (as opposed to a nightclub where everyone's on the hunt). That all makes her even more prone to giving you mixed

messages. It could easily be that she has no romantic interest in you whatsoever. But, because you're such a good guy, she gets off on being appreciated by you and acts extra sweet and flirty and feminine around you to keep getting more of what she enjoys getting from you: appreciation.

she wants to get intimate Perhaps she feels acknowledged by you for having certain wonderful personal qualities that her boyfriend never praises her for. Maybe she feels validated by you in ways that no other man in her life can give -- all the more reason for her to create a certain kind of "intimacy" with you, even though she may have no intention of ever actually becoming intimate with you. I do think it's great that your teaching partner has all the qualities you'd look for in a woman, Telly. Now, we need to determine if you have a shot here or not, and how to take your shot if you do indeed have one. Unfortunately, you've omitted some crucial data that we need in order to check this gal's Interest Level [degree of love] in you. You're almost remembering what that is from your studies of "The System," aren't you? That's right. Number one on the Interest Level evaluation checklist is touching . Does she touch you, Telly, and if so, how often? This will determine whether or not she's into you...

is she gaga for you? Secondly, does she compliment you too much? That's what girls with high Interest Level do. They compliment you, and they do it consistently over time. If your answers to these two crucial questions are "yes," then it means that her Interest Level in her boyfriend is in the 40 to 49% range, and she just may be thinking of you as her quality backup man. She could be grooming you for the day when her Interest Level in Mr. Wonderful hits the basement. As my uncle Jethro Love used to say, "It's the beautiful ones that never go it alone. Why? Because they never have to." So, I hope that she has been touching and complimenting you, Telly, at least a little. But even if she hasn't, here's a plan you can implement to find out what's what.

here's your new m.o. I want you to start avoiding this girl. Yep. We need to work in a greater degree of Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] here. I want you to start being too busy to chitchat or check in with her or join her at the cafeteria for lunch. At your team meetings, give her only a third of the attention that you used to. At the same time, let her see you giving every other female co-worker (particularly the foxy ones) lots of attention. Let her see you making them giggle. This will up the ante.

After you do this for a while, if she has interest, she'll want to find a way to spend more time with you and she'll ask you out for a private one-on-one lunch off campus, or even better, dinner! But she has to suggest it, not you. She has to initiate it. If she never does, that means there was never anything meaningful going on. But if she does, that means Mr. Backup is movin' on up! Remember guys, as Telly said in the beginning of his letter, "Remaining a Challenge and having women pursue you is a better plan."

The Pitfalls Of Dating A Married Woman Dear Doc, I am currently in a relationship with a married woman. I have known her for eight years, but we have just become romantically involved in the last four and a half months. I've known she has not been happy with her marriage for years and wants to end it, but she has not yet done so due to a variety of reasons. I'm certain that she does not love her husband -- I've met him before, and I cannot understand why she's with him at all. The most common reason she gives for not leaving him is that she's worried about how her children (she has three; ages two, ten and twelve) will view her. She threw her husband out recently after a fight, but the two eldest children were so upset that after a few days, she let him come back for the kids' sake. She says that her kids mean everything to her. This woman says she loves me without question and will leave her husband when the time is right. My questions are: 1. Do you think she's telling me the truth about why she will not leave him? 2. How do I tell if she is sincere in her desire to leave him for me? 3. What are the signs I should look for to tell me she that will really leave him? 4. Do women who leave their husbands for another man usually stay with the other man? I love this woman tremendously, but I don't know what to look for. Help, please! Jerome -- who is hoping and waiting

doc love's answer

Hey Jerome, What kind of drugs have you been smoking? Or do you live near a glue factory? Your thinking is about as clear as a teenage boy's complexion. First of all, realize that you've allowed yourself to fall in love with a woman who has no integrity. A woman who cheats on her husband is a woman that no man can ever fully trust. She's a real keeper...

she's as low as they come If this broad had any class, she'd either keep her marriage vows, despite the problems, or she'd wait until she got divorced (or at least legally separated) before she hooked up with another guy. If her kids were as important to her as she claims, she'd be a positive role model instead of one of deceit and manipulation. The Bottom Line Factor says that if your "girlfriend" really wanted to leave her husband, she would have done so a long time ago. Think of it this way Jerome, addictions aside, she is physically capable of leaving him. All she lacks is: motivation. I'm certain that if she were offered $10 million to leave her husband and never see him again, she'd be gone faster than Robert Blake can spit out an alibi! Sadly, as time ticks on, she'll continue to come up with various creative excuses for why she can't leave her husband, and nothing will ever change.

get over her dude! You have to remember something else Jerome, whether you're evaluating a potential lifetime partner or you're ordering bacon and eggs at Denny's; what you see is what you get. This woman is who she is. She plays both sides of the fence. She's self-centered. She's incredibly needy. She's addicted to drama. Is she really the kind of person you would want to commit to, even if she were single? I'm hoping that as you're reading what I'm saying, your Interest Level [degree of love] in this gal is starting to crack and drop, at least just a little bit. You need to do whatever it takes to lower your Interest Level in her because this situation is a setup for nothing but heartbreak and frustration for you. Perhaps it will help you to understand that both you and her husband are being "played" by this dysfunctional Desdemona. Imagine what she tells him about you to keep him under control, how you and she are "just friends." She's got both of you duped. She's getting everything she wants, a husband and a "mister-ess" and you're mostly getting a whole lot of pain and confusion.

I know this isn't the answer you were looking for Jerome, but I have to call 'em as I see 'em. I recommend that you start to emotionally disconnect from Mrs. Trouble and start meeting and dating other women as soon as possible. Even if the idea of meeting other women makes you only lovesick, do it anyway. It will build character and prepare you for the real thing when it comes along. Remember, guys, if she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you.

The Proper Execution Of The First Kiss Hi Doc, I have a problem that I need some help with. The thing is, I never know where, when and even exactly how to kiss a girl for the first time -- any girl I'm out on a date with. Once I get past that first kiss and I know that she's attracted to me, I'm fine. But it's that first, potentially awkward kiss that I really have trouble with. I'm not good with timing at all and it seems like there are so many ways to get it wrong. I've had some bad experiences in the past where, when I went in for the kiss, my date said something like, "What are you doing?!?" and seemed offended. I've also had more than a few experiences where the girl would kiss me back but almost reluctantly or as if she was just being polite and then she would change the subject and start asking me questions about something unrelated. At those times, I've always felt that I just didn't do it right, like if I had been more suave and sophisticated, then I would have gotten a better response. So do you have any tips on the proper execution of the first kiss? There are so many questions that come to mind on the topic. How long should you wait before you make your move? Should you always give her a nice compliment before you go for it? How do you know when the timing is right? Besides making sure that your breath is fresh (which I do), are there any other crucial dos and don'ts you recommend? Please fill me in on what you know about this Doc. I respect your wisdom. Clint -- who needs some pointers

doc love's answer Hey Clint, No reason to be sheepish about your question. You might feel like you're the only guy on the planet who has this dilemma, but you're not at all. Most guys are confused about these very

same issues, at least at some time in their lives. Why? Because good mentors and role models for proper deportment with women are hard to come by. Let me be your mentor...

she's judging you Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are a minority. And most of the guys who are highly skilled and confident with women aren't usually motivated to take the time and caring to help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us learn how to "do it right" is by trial and error -- lots of error and always on trial. All right Clint. Here is some priceless information that will make a big difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution is certainty that you have built a strong sense of comfort with your date before you make your move. She doesn't have to be in an altered state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she must feel physically and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at the moment of truth. Things that diminish a woman's comfort level are: any talk of sex or comments about her body, staring at her breasts, complaints about ex-girlfriends, driving too fast, an environment that's too hot, too cold or unsafe in any way, a lack of privacy, loud noises, obnoxious roommates, creepy insects, bothersome pets, and a dirty, dusty house -- to name a few. Talking about anything negative, whether it's how much you hate your boss or the last horror flick you saw, is also going to make her uncomfortable. The way you build comfort is by keeping the conversation positive and light and by getting her to laugh as much as you can.

raise her comfort level Also keep in mind that as you're about to go for it, you may not feel comfortable at all. But that's normal. After all, you're the one who's about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that she feels comfortable; she has to feel comfortable or else forget it. The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: don't say anything. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, imagine you and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one-liners into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that she's finished saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her. Don't justify yourself, just go for it...

be bold Don't try to justify your actions with a compliment. Don't try to excuse or explain what you're about to do. Don't try to motivate her by telling her how much you like her. Don't ask her for permission to kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her Interest Level [degree of love] is off the chart from the get-go). Remember, the classic male archetype of women's romantic fantasies is "The strong silent type." As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, "You can't wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level or her comfort level if you simply don't speak at all, now can you?" So be Mr. Nike, and without a word -- just do it. Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements in perfect alignment. But more often, things don't flow so perfectly. Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the dust bag on an old hoover; no matter how careful you are, things can get a bit messy. That's okay. If the Interest Level is there, she'll be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in your approach. To you Psych majors: when they like you, they help you and they give you the benefit of the doubt.

you're doing something right Clint, If you told me that all women who you try to kiss respond negatively to you, then I'd really have to grill you to find out what you were consistently doing to turn them all off. But since you are reporting that some women do respond positively to your overtures, then I'd say that the only problem with those other women was that they simply had low Interest Level. I think you've been judging yourself too harshly. It's normal to be rejected more often than accepted by women. Dating is a numbers game and that's just the way the game works. It's not that unusual for a woman to respond in a non-enthusiastic manner when you give her the smooch test, but the next one just might suck your tongue out of your head. So after you've tried my suggestions, Clint, write me back. I'm certain you'll have some better experiences to report. And the next time a woman that you've just kissed for the first time acts offended and says to you, "What are you doing?" just tell her, "I'm trying to bring a little sunshine into your life." Remember, guys, always make certain that she's comfortable before you make your move.

Does She Love Me For My Money?

Dear Doc Love, My girlfriend Lisa and I have been going together for almost ten months and our relationship seems to be sailing along quite smoothly. We're very compatible. We always have a lot of fun together and she never nags me. She's beautiful, classy and charming. (All my buddies rate her a solid "10.") All right, I know what you're thinking, "So what's the problem?" Well, there is just one little fly in the ointment so to speak, or as you say Doc, "There's no such thing as a clean deal." I didn't really notice this when we were first dating, but now it's becoming an issue for me. I'll explain. We like going to nice restaurants and seeing a lot of plays and concerts, as I always get front row seats for us whenever possible. I've also just recently treated her to a ten-day vacation in Paris where we stayed at one of the nicest hotels in the city. (She speaks fluent French, but had never been to France. So you can imagine how thrilled she was.) I was happy to pay for the entire trip to France. I enjoy being in the role of provider and it feels good to take my sweetheart anywhere I want, without any consideration of how much it might cost.

she never pays The thing is Lisa has never offered to pay for anything, not once. Not a dinner, not a movie ticket, not even an ice cream cone. And I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel resentful about it. I don't need her to spring for some big gift or anything like that, but some small gesture of generosity on her part every so often when we go out would mean a lot to me. She thanks me for the things that I do for her -- maybe one out of four times -- but that's as far as it goes. I guess if she cooked for me or gave me a massage once in a while, it would be different, but she doesn't cook and she's just never offered to rub my back. I'm considering the idea of asking her why she never offers to pay for anything, but I wanted to check with you first, Doc. Do you think that she never offers to pay for anything because it's just proper female behavior for her? She is pretty traditional and conservative in a lot of ways. Or, do you think she's just selfish and is using me in some way; not being a "giver," as you would say. The confusing thing is that she's very affectionate otherwise. What do you think Doc? And should I try to discuss the situation with her? Winston -- who wants to know what to do

doc love's answer Hey Winston, To start, let's go over some basics. One of the ways that you evaluate a woman's Interest Level [degree of love] in you when you're first dating her is to observe what she does when

the two of you have finished eating at a restaurant and the check arrives. The odds of her having high interest in you are much better if she allows you to pay without bringing up the idea of sharing the cost. When she lets you be the "sole provider" in this context, it means, on a deeper level, that she's surrendering to you. (This is all true, unless of course, she's a mercenary, which is a whole other can of worms.) How can you make her pay for your dates?

analyze her reaction Now if she offers to help out with the bill, that's usually not a "flag," although you should decline her offer. But if she insists on paying for her "share," then that means you're basically dead in the water. She wants to stay in control and not surrender. To you Psych majors, she's a control freak with low Interest Level. So in the beginning, we're looking for her to not be pressing to pitch in. But as we start moving into the second month of dating, these rules begin to shift and we do want her to be making a sincere effort, every so often, to contribute to the cost of the date in some meaningful way. If she's a giver, she will automatically do that. If she's a taker, it will never enter her mind. Now considering all of this, Winston, your girlfriend Lisa obviously does not qualify as a giver, although she appears to have a high level of interest in you. Now we need to determine if she's just being lazy and inconsiderate, or if deep down she's a narcissistic gold digger who thinks she's entitled to be spoiled. Since she's an "A," she can have just about any guy she wants, but she's chosen you. Why? Is the essence of her deep love and caring for you high interest, or is it based on mere physical attraction and what you can buy for her?

it's also your fault, Winston But I want you to realize, Winston, that you are also part of the problem. If she has been thanking you for things only a quarter of the time instead of most of the time, then you should have busted her on that, months ago. Ten months of this and you haven't said anything to her about it! What's up with that? Has her beauty intimidated you? As Denzel Washington once said to Ethan Hawke when he wanted him to grow some cojones , you need to "man up!" You've failed to call her on her lack of consideration and now she's programmed to think that her behavior is acceptable. So now we're going to have to try doing what I call "cleanup." It's time for some tough love...

tough love Let's apply some indirect pressure and see if she becomes more demonstrative in the gratitude department. Maybe she can be re-trained. So, when she calls, ask her, "Did you forget to do something?" When she says, "What's that?" say, "Thank me for the nice dinner last Thursday." Do this kind of thing two or three times and see if she gets the hint. You could also ask her to massage your shoulders and then observe whether she whines and does it with reluctance or with enthusiasm. Additionally, I want you to suspend taking her out on any more expensive dates or trips until she starts appreciating you on a consistent basis. But be prepared. When you cut down on the high priced activities, you may see a side of her that you don't like. You may discover that she has a higher interest in your wallet than she does in your heart. But let's see. If and when she starts to respond to the new training program, she may hopefully also begin to reciprocate with more than just verbal acknowledgements. That would be optimal. But the odds that she will aren't good because giving doesn't seem to be part of her nature. And no, I don't think her lack of giving has anything to do with her being "traditional." But it does have a lot to do with the fact that she's a "10." If she doesn't respond well to the new program, Winston, then you have to make a choice. If you have tons of money and can overlook her take, then marry her. But I think that would be a tough row to hoe. There's a high potential for resentment to build and kill all the romance. So let's hope we get some results from our new game plan. Remember, guys, givers are more fun than takers.

Questions You Don't Ask On Dates Dear Doc Love, I can't thank you enough, Doc. I was skeptical in the beginning when I first started reading your articles, but I'll tell you, now that I've got "The System" I have to say it's the best investment I've ever made. I was dating a lot, but I was never getting past more than one or two dates with any woman. Everything that I was doing to try to raise women's Interest Level was exactly the opposite of what you teach. I was being pushy and insecure, pressuring women and making them uncomfortable. I was trying to be what my idea of a "jerk" was because that's what I thought women wanted. But what they really want is a gentleman who is a Challenge.

my savior When reading "The System," the thing that really hit home for me was what you teach about the stupid ignorant things men say to women; the lines that we think are going to get us somewhere, but actually lower women's Interest Level before the first date is even over. That was me. I was the guy who would say, "So, have you ever had a one-night stand?" to a woman and then wonder why she didn't want to go out with me again. As you can tell, I'm walking on air with my newfound wisdom, and if you have any other examples of dumb things that men tend say to women, and are really a turnoff, it would be nice to know. I want to learn as much as I can. Please feel free to use me as a reference anytime. Thank you. Ted -- who wants to spread the joy

doc love's answer Hey Brother Ted, Congratulations. After years of needless suffering you've found the truth, and the truth has set you free. God bless the Internet. Some guys have to be spoon-fed the truth about women and relationships. Their egos won't permit them to take it all in at once. These types need to go through a deprogramming process before they can allow themselves to accept all of the concepts of "The System." Keep reading to find out if Doc can save you... They've spent too much time either listening to Feminista propaganda or trying to be Mr. Macho Boy. Fortunately, these guys are coachable. Then there's another type of guy. The poor miserable sap who's just too pigheaded to ever get it. His ego is slowly strangling him. He won't even consider that he needs to learn anything about women even though he keeps getting burned. He's what I call a "lost soul." He'd rather be right than be happy.

don't say this to women But you, my brother Ted, are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. You love the truth; you're hungry for the truth. You are ripe and ready for a revelation. You're having what the Eastern mystics would call an "awakening." So relax, enjoy it and continue to be patient as the process unfolds.

All right, so you'd like some more examples of counterproductive clichés that guys like to use on women. Stupid lines that are guaranteed to sink your ship of love before you can even get the sails up. Okay. But first, let's examine the one that you already mentioned; "So, have you ever had a one-night stand?" Now is that a classy thing to say to a woman? Is that going to make her feel comfortable? As they say in Argentina: "No." When you ask a woman that question, all it does is instantly make her think, "Oh God, here's another horny dog who just wants to get into my pants." You might as well just say, "So, are you easy?" I think that a man asks a woman that question hoping that she'll say something like, "A onenight stand? I love one-night stands. I can't wait to have another!" And how often do you get that kind of answer? Try never. When asked the "one night stand" question, a woman usually either just says "No" or at best she says, "Oh, I used to do that kind of thing, but not anymore." The Bottom Line Factor [the end result] says that any way you look at it, asking this question is only going to lower a woman's Interest Level [degree of love]. To you Psych majors: it's a big turnoff. What else should you avoid telling women at all cost? Another question that guys will often ask a woman on a first date is: "So what type of guy do you usually go out with?" Now that's a pitifully weak way of trying to evaluate a woman's Interest Level in you. When a guy asks a woman that question, what he's really asking is, "Am I your type?", which is a wimpy thing to ask. It's just as bad as asking, "Do you like me?" Would a woman ever have romantic fantasies about a guy who asks her, "Do you like me?" Maybe, but only if she's a control freak.

be smart with women If any of you guys have any doubts that these clumsy questions aren't a common phenomenon in the dating scene, just watch any dating show on TV. For more examples and explanations of destructive dating clichés, Ted, finish studying "The System." You'll find plenty more there. Remember, guys, you're more attractive to women when you don't ask stupid questions.

She's Chatting Online With Her Ex Hi Doc, I am a big fan of your column, and I have been doing my best to learn and use "The System." I would like to ask for your advice on a situation I am going through with my girlfriend. We have been dating for about six weeks or so, and we seem to be hitting it off really well. My problem is that I am jealous of her e-mail relationship with her ex-fiance. After breaking up two years ago (she initiated the break-up), they recently decided to reconnect and be friends. They e-mail each other regularly and chat on MSN Messenger. She has told me about this and assures me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic feelings for him. She says that they do not see each other or talk on the phone. I told her that I was a little bothered by it and that I thought it was a little strange. However, I didn't want to make too big a deal about it for fear of appearing too insecure and jealous, hence less of a Challenge. She told me that she knows it's a little strange but that she hasn't known me long enough to stop "chatting" with him just because it bothers me. And I again said that it does bother me, but that it is up to her to decide whether to stop e-mailing him or not. What do you think, Doc? Should I persist and insist that she stop the e-mail relationship, or should I trust her when she tells me that it is nothing to worry about? I really like this girl, and I can't help thinking that there will be trouble down the line if she and her ex-fiancé continue to chat via e-mail. But then again, if I appear too jealous and insist that she stop, she could simply tell me she stopped and still continue e-mailing him. Know what I mean? Please help me out. I really don't want to screw this up and I could really use some expert advice. Thank you. Stan -- who's sick of all this chitchat

doc love's answer Dear Stan, You're smart not to buy into what your girlfriend says when she tells you that her e-mail relationship with her ex is no big deal. This kind of situation is like a termite infestation -- if you don't nip it in the bud, you're gonna have big trouble later on.

What kind of trouble?

get to the bottom of things But before we get to outlining a strategy to deal with your problem, I want you to understand something very important that you're just not getting. Something's rotten in Denmark. Or as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "There's a dead cat in the closet, and all the air freshener in the world ain't gonna make it go away." What am I referring to? Take an objective look, Stan. Your girlfriend is giving considerable time and attention to a guy that she rejected. Why would she do that? The answer is that she's addicted to getting all the male attention she can. She doesn't care that she's stringing along this guy that she once dumped. She doesn't care that her continual e-mailing this guy bothers you . She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings.

she's selfish stan She wants what she wants, and forget about everyone else. She's a woman who just can't tolerate the idea of possibly having to emotionally go it alone, so she keeps potential "backups" in her orbit, feeding them just enough to stay hooked. Talk about a lack of integrity! Stan, what would happen if you tied the knot with this gal and then later wanted to go bear hunting in the backwoods of Montana for fourteen days with your buddies? How comfortable would you be leaving her alone? What would a woman like this be doing during that time while she was left unsupervised? Sitting at home alone reading Nancy Drew books? Visiting girlfriends to exchange recipes? Or... going out to nightclubs, just to dance of course. Get my drift? No more Mr. Nice Guy...

don't act macho All right. But let's see what we can do. Despite missing a crucial element here, you did great when you didn't get uptight and throw a Macho Boy tantrum or give your girlfriend any ultimatums. You calmly and honestly told her that you were bothered by her behavior and what did she do? She dissed you. To you Psych majors: she did him wrong. Fine. Now we're going to take a different tack. Or, as my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "When they don't want to see your side of things, it's time to play hardball." I don't want you to try to reason with her any further. No need to get into any more debates.

Now your actions are going to speak louder than your words. You won't appear controlling or insecure if you make your point non-verbally.

she's outta here! Here's the plan: I want you to stop taking your girlfriend out on the weekends. This will be a strategy of withdrawal. No more weekend dates with her, for now. That includes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. You're only going to see her on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. If your girlfriend has any brains at all, she'll put two and two together and realize that her selfishness has caused you to withdraw. Then we'll find out how high a priority you really are on her list. If she doesn't change her behavior after this, then she's not really as "serious" about your relationship as you thought. Remember guys, if you're going to go the distance with her, there can't be any boyfriends in the background.

3 Misconceptions Men Have About Women Dear Doc Love, I've been reading your articles for almost a year now. I used to read them because I enjoyed laughing at what a jerk you were. Well, I have to admit that over time, I've come to realize that you actually have figured out some important things about relationships that I almost never hear anyone else talk about. I guess I started to "get it" right after my girlfriend dumped me. I was trying to figure out what the hell happened, and that same week you wrote an article that described my situation exactly. I had been doing things that were lowering her Interest Level without my knowing it. I'm seeing more and more now how so much of what I thought women wanted is totally wrong. Like you say, we get confused by listening to all those female love doctors who don't understand how even they themselves actually want a guy who is a Challenge, rather than a guy who kisses their butts all the time.

men of the world unite I'm convinced that the war of the sexes is real and that thousands of men are getting slaughtered every day. The only relationship expert that I've ever heard talk about this is you, Doc. You're right. There's so much bad advice out there. We lose our way. We get disoriented. We wind up either barking up the wrong tree, or just flying by the seat of our pants without a compass. So I want to acknowledge you for being a real beacon of objectivity

and a reliable source for accurate information when it comes to dating and relating to women properly. I have to say that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the rethinking and reorienting I'm having to do, and now that I've become a believer in "The System," I keep discovering more misconceptions that I was laboring under. So Doc, what you would say are the most important misconceptions I should be aware of and free myself of? I need to make things simple right now. Theo -- who understands the power of simplicity

doc love's answer Hey Theo, Thanks for the great compliment. I'm glad to hear that you're getting un-brainwashed. Check out if any of these 3 myths sound familiar...

dispelling myths Okay. I'll make it real simple for you. Easy as 1, 2, 3. Here are three of the biggest misconceptions men have about approaching women: 1. "I can raise any woman's Interest Level [degree of love] in me by complimenting her." Yes, this thinking has a certain (false) logic to it. Complimenting women sure seems to work in the movies and on television. A handsome lawyer tells Ally McBeal how smart and beautiful she is, and she swoons and wants to make babies with him. And all the girls in the X-rated videos sure seem to respond well to compliments. Extra well. The only problem is that these are not real-life situations. In real life, with real women, laying on the compliments only hurts your cause. It's anti-Challenge. 2. "I can raise any woman's Interest Level in me by boasting about myself." Same thing with boasting. It's certainly true that women respond quite favorably to wealthy, powerful and successful men. So it seems logical that it would be helpful to tell a woman things about yourself that would make her think of you as someone who's a major league player. But no matter how you play it, boasting only makes a woman feel as if you're trying to impress her. And the operative word here is trying . Trying is the opposite of Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you]. A real heavyweight kind of a guy doesn't have to try. He

emanates confidence. It's far better to let her work a little to discover what an amazing guy you are. To you Psych majors: keep it to yourself. 3. "If I persistently demonstrate to the woman whom I'm courting how high my Interest Level in her is, it will raise her Interest Level in me." This one's the real killer. Once again, media brainwashing is a major factor in perpetuating this myth. How many love stories have you seen or read where the plot line goes like this: Handsome guy likes beautiful girl, but girl isn't interested in guy. Guy is determined to do whatever it takes to win girl over. After guy begs, jumps through a dozen hoops and sacrifices himself for her, girl finally realizes: "Oh gosh, I love him!" As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Puke!"

get real theo Who do you think these plot lines are written for? It ain't for anyone who can grow a beard. Women love to fantasize about guys who will do anything to win their hearts, even risk death. They like the idea of a guy who is so enchanted by their charms that he can't control himself and won't give up. But in real life, women want to do the pursuing. In real life, if you come on heavy, you lose. In real life, if you keep pursuing a woman after she said "no" five times, you get sued for sexual harassment or arrested for stalking. That should be simple enough for you, Theo. Good luck and keep studying! Remember guys, it's always better to be a Challenge.

The Cell vs. The Home Phone Number Dear Doc, I know that you make a big deal about how important it is to get a woman that you're interested in to give you her home phone number. I agree with you. I've noticed that one of the tactics that women use to politely blow you off is to offer you their work number instead of their home number. But there's an obvious third option that I haven't heard you talk about that kind of confuses the issue. What about the cellular phone number? Where does the cell phone fit into your "Only accept her home phone number" policy? It's confusing because the cell phone is a kind of in-between thing. Looking at it one way, you could say that the cell phone number is an even more personal and intimate thing for a girl to give a guy because she carries her cell phone on her "person." Also, it's often easier to get

hold of a girl on her cell phone. What do you say, Doc? Is it okay to accept a girl's cell phone number instead of her home phone number? Marshall -- who wants to know what the difference is

doc love's answer Dear Marshall, Excellent question. These days it seems that most everyone has a cell phone. They're an integral part of life in the 21st century. Many people spend considerably more time talking on their cell phones than they do talking on their home phones. All right. So where does that leave us? It's true that it's often easier to get hold of a girl on her cell phone, but so what? It's the home phone that's more personal. Why? Because it's where she actually lives, where she eats, sleeps and bathes. Her home is an actual location. When you're talking to her on her cell phone you don't know where she is. When you're talking to her on her home phone, you know exactly where she is. The true meaning of the cell phone number...

you'll get cut off When a girl wants to give you her cell phone number in lieu of her home phone number, it means that she doesn't want you to know where she's located at any given time. She doesn't want you to know any specifics about where she lives. To you Psych majors: it means that her Interest Level [degree of love] is low. And besides, I don't want you talking to her when she's driving and about to go through a tunnel where the connection might drop off. I don't want you calling to ask her out while she's at work and dealing with her boss who keeps coming on to her. I don't want you reaching her while she's out on a date with some other guy. When you call her for that first date, I want her to be in her safe and comfy home environment, with no distractions, all relaxed and ready to give you her full attention.

repeat after me Whenever you "close" a woman for her phone number, you should always say the same five magic words that I always coach you guys to say: "What's your home phone number?" Don't be concerned if it feels like you're being abrupt or too direct when you ask her. I want you to catch her off guard. It's a way of testing her (true) Interest Level.

Once those five magic words have left your lips, be silent. If you notice that she starts to squirm or fidget or hem and haw, don't help her. Look deeply into her eyes. Stare her down. Don't crack and speak again before she speaks. This is a test of her Interest Level and a test of your character. Watch and listen. Her body language will tell a whole story before she even says a word. When (and if) she gives you her number, ask her, "Is this your home phone number?" If she says, "No it's my cell number. It's the easiest way to get hold of me." Then you should say, "Great, what's your home phone number?" If you never get the home number out of her, then put her on probation and wait two weeks to call her. But don't expect her to keep any date that she makes with you. Why? Because she wouldn't give you her home phone number. Remember, guys, nothing beats the home phone number.

What To Do If Your Woman Finds The System Dear Doc, I really want to acknowledge you, big time. By following your advice over the past several months, I have been able to establish a monogamous relationship with an amazing woman who I would previously have thought was way out of my league. But here we are, together. She's super cute, easygoing, fun to be with, and what you'd call a real giver. And she's actually a judge. Yeah, she's the prettiest damn judge I've ever seen. So everything has been going really well. I use "The System" to maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery in the relationship. I've got to say that this Challenge stuff is really powerful. It's like Love Potion Number Nine or something. In mid-August we'll be celebrating our six-month anniversary, and I plan to go the distance with this girl.

busted! I've just run into one glitch. I've been working to get my PhD, and I have about thirty different books I have to study. When I take a study break I like to review your "Dating Dictionary." (Every time I read it I get more out of it.) I usually stash it away in a drawer when I'm done reading it, but the other night I was so zoned out that I left it out on the top of the pile with all my other books. I woke up the next morning and rushed off to do a zillion errands. It was my only day off; I

never even looked at my desk before I left. When I came back that evening, my girlfriend was sitting on the couch (she has a key to my place) with "The Dating Dictionary" in her hand and with this look on her face that I would describe as a combination of intense curiosity with a bit of disapproval. She gave it to me good... She says to me: "So have you been using these strategies on me? Is this why you waited over a week to call me after you first met me?" I wasn't sure what to say so I just said, "Honey, what do you mean by 'strategies'?" Then she says, "This book is teaching men to play games. I can't believe that you would even read something like this!"

i created a diversion Well, I used your advice again and diffused the situation with some humor and changed the subject. Then I started playfully kissing her neck. One thing led to another and soon enough she forgot about "The Dating Dictionary" for that night. But then yesterday when she said, "I love you" to me and I didn't say it back, she then said: "So are you not telling me you love me because you're trying to be a 'Challenge' like in your dating book?" I can see that I'm in for more of this now. I feel like I let the genie out of the bottle. I pulled the rug out from under myself. She's going to be analyzing and questioning everything now. What should I do Doc? Can "The System" continue to work even after your woman has found out what it's all about? Help! Antoine -- who is kicking himself

doc love's answer Dear Antoine, The first thing I want to emphasize is that you should not lay a trip on yourself and feel that you have to be on the defensive in this situation. Your girlfriend should be grateful that you've been motivated enough to find a quality resource for improving your relationship skills. Most guys have about the same amount of motivation to improve their relationship skills as a tailgater has to stop tailgating. Why is it perfectly fine in our society for women to have their stacks and stacks of magazines that feature countless articles with titles like "Seven Ways to Make Him Fall Hopelessly in Love with You" or "The Five Secrets to Capturing His Heart"? Yet when men seek to gain a

bit of personal empowerment in relationships, they're labeled as game-playing manipulators! Your girlfriend, Antoine, is inappropriately and ignorantly making you feel wrong about your quest for self-improvement. We could nickname her Ms. Double Standard. Here's what you do...

hide all the evidence Let me give you some constructive ways to deal with this situation: Ordinarily, I recommend to all you guys, as an overriding policy, that you never tell any woman about "The System." But if you get sloppy like this, and your gal gets her hands on "The Dating Dictionary," the upside is that you can use the situation as a test of her attitude. Does she only focus on the controversial aspects of The System, or is she able to appreciate some of the other parts that no one can argue with -- i.e. that men should be respectful, affectionate and romantic? Is she interested in learning more about powerful principles like how to evaluate Interest Level [degree of love], or does she mainly care about making you wrong? Hopefully Antoine, all of your girlfriend's questioning will soon let up when she gets it that you're not going to be apologizing or explaining yourself. In the meantime, if she comes at you again with the "putting you on trial" number, tell her with a slight smirk: "Darling, I'm just trying to improve myself to make you happier. I know that you love me 85%, but I want to make sure that your love for me gets up to 100% and stays there."

set her straight If you do something and she says, "So is this you, or 'The System'?" Tell her: "It's a combination of the two, my love." Short stop her interrogation with ambiguity. To you Psych majors: don't give her a straight answer. In the big picture, Antoine, we'll cut your girlfriend some slack for initially becoming curious and a bit riled up after being exposed to such powerful and controversial material. But she should not continue to confront you about this. That's not what a flexible and loving woman would do. If she continues to nag you, then it's good that you saw that side of her before tying the knot with her. If she'll needle and nag you about this, she'll be needling and nagging you about other things in the future. And who needs to sign up for a lifetime of that? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say: "You fall in love with her looks and her Interest Level, sonny boy, but you marry her attitude."

To answer your question, Antoine, can "The System" continue to work even after your woman has found out what it's all about? Yes it will, as long as you don't apologize for using it. Remember, guys, keep using The System.

How To Spot A Gold Digger Dear Doc, Your "System" has been guiding me, but this has never happened to me before. Here's a little background. I'm 33 and what I'd call handsome in an offbeat kind of a way. I'm a successful screenwriter and I live in the Hollywood Hills in a big beautiful home with an edge pool that I designed myself. This girl I went out with is quite attractive, 5'7", blonde hair, blue eyes, flawless skin, slender -- maybe 110 pounds yet nicely curved -- very intelligent, and resembles Kim Basinger, or maybe her younger sister, if she has one. She is in her mid 30's and has never been married. She lives near me in the same neighborhood. I did everything according to "The System" -- I was the quintessential well-mannered, welldressed and polite gentleman. I met her at a party and waited over a week to call her. The first date was a weeknight walk in the park and a meal at an inexpensive restaurant with great atmosphere near the ocean. I have a new Lexus, but picked her up in my older but clean Ford F-150 pickup truck instead.

take 2 Seven days later I arranged for supper at a Mexican restaurant and then a movie at the dollar cinema. I paid for everything. I tore up her phone number when she refused to kiss me after that second date. Buddies of mine who had seen her said I was completely nuts for getting rid of her. I got ragged on so badly that I relented and looked her up in the phone book to call again except I waited a full month to call her. I figured that if I was a super Challenge, she might possibly crack. I suggested that we meet at the free jazz concerts at the city amphitheater for a brown bag supper and great music. She refused, saying she didn't like "jazz." That was two weeks ago.

I saw her and she laid it on me...

she gave it to me good Tonight I unexpectedly ran into her at the local newsstand. We were both alone, so I stopped to talk to her and boy, did she give me an earful! She barely let me get a word in edgewise after the subject came around to our dates. She called me "cheap" and said that I "dislike women," that I "don't know how to treat women," that she never dated a guy like me, and that she expects a guy she dates to spend money on the date and not see how cheap he can be. She said that she was used to having guys treat her with respect, not like the cheap way I treated her. She actually said that if I was a real man, I would have brought her flowers and gifts. She said that I was a great-looking guy but that I'd never meet a good woman using my unconventional dating methods. She demanded I write something down and even searched her purse for a paper and pencil to give me, and then she dictated: " Mars and Venus on a Date , by John Gray. This is a book that I want you to buy and read." Since she called me cheap so many times, I thought I'd get a shot back at her so I asked if I could just borrow her copy. She said, "No, it's only $7.50." So I asked if I could borrow $7.50 from her and she just glared at me.

so i'm a cheapskate! But then she started at me again. "On our first date, you spent less than $7 on me. And the date after that at the Mexican restaurant and the movie? You spent less than $20 on me that night. I called all my girlfriends and at work the next day, I told all my co-workers how you insulted me. None of them had heard of such a thing!" She went on and on with a passion I've never seen. She is attractive enough to only date hunky alpha males, even though I've never thought of myself as one. I found it odd that she was so upset yet took the time to bend my ear for over a half an hour. I seem to have really gotten under her skin. I thought you'd find all this pretty interesting Doc. Any comments? Mark -- who is laughing to himself

doc love's answer Hey Mark, Allow me to commend you on an excellent job of handling this number. First of all, you actually waited an entire week to call her. This, of course, is the proper procedure according to "The System." Unfortunately, 97% of guys never wait more than 48 hours at the most to call a girl after they've first gotten her phone number. And plenty of them call the same day! She's nothing but a gold digger...

you're the man As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "The majority is usually wrong." Way too many guys are like salivating greyhounds at a racetrack, chompin' at the bit to get at that bunny. The average guy has no comprehension of the importance of building a sense of mystery and Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you] with a woman, especially in the beginning. And kudos to you too, Mark, for not coming on like Mr. Big Spender to try to impress this chick. The pick-up truck instead of the Lexus was a great idea. By following "The System" and downplaying your affluence, you were able to bust this babe. She's obviously a full-blown mercenary. A 24-Karat Gold Digger. The first few dates are a time when two people are checking each other out to see what kind of potential is there. It's way too soon to be bringing flowers and gifts as your former date mate was expecting, or shall I say demanding. And it's also way too soon to be going out for expensive dinners. Keep in mind that a woman with high Interest Level [degree of love] in you and a flexible, giving attitude could have a fun time getting to know you while sitting at a bus stop eating peanut butter sandwiches.

be stingy with the spoiled ones But this gal is one spoiled little missy. Since she's such a hottie, of course, legions of guys are tripping over themselves to get a chance to suck up to her. So she's not used to not being put on a pedestal. You certainly got to her and good riddance I say! Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to this broad? She could out-nag Joan Rivers.

The only mistake you made was that you gave into pressure from your peers and called her again after she had disqualified herself from the contest to win your heart. Her horrible attitude aside, she failed "The Smooch Test" and once a woman fails the "The Smooch Test" - that's it. Over and out. No calling her back, period. But hey, Mark, overall you did fantastic. And I'm delighted to hear that you got in a couple zingers before you gave her the big Adios. Remember guys, don't listen to your friends, listen to me.

Avoiding The "Let's Be Friends" Syndrome Dear Doc, My girlfriend and I have been together about three months now. When we first met, on a blind date, we really "clicked." In fact, I would say that the chemistry between us was unusually amazing. We got intimate almost immediately, and for the first month or so, things with us were really hot and heavy. Lately things have tapered off quite a bit, compared to that first month. She's been dealing with intense pressure at work. Also, she had to start helping to take care of her mother who has been ill. Consequently, we've only been getting together about twice a week instead of every night like it used to be. The problem for me is that we've pretty much stopped making love for the time being. She says that it's because she's had to deal with so much stress lately and that what she needs from me more than anything right now is for me to just be a good friend. I really like this girl a whole lot. We have so many things in common it's almost ridiculous. Both us are science fiction nuts and we both are seriously into photography. We also went to the same college during the same time (although we didn't know each other then.) I've been with women who I've had a lot of chemistry with, but not had much in common. And then I've dated girls who I've had a lot in common with, but not much attraction to. This is the first time I have it all going on with a woman to such a degree. I'm hoping that all the stress in her life will let up and that things will go back to normal soon. I'm trying to be as patient and understanding as I can. I'm just wondering whether there's anything else I can do to get through all this quickly. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.

Paul -- who's just not sure what to do

doc love's answer Hey Paul, As anyone who reads my articles or is familar with "The System" knows, I never pull any punches. Like a referee at a heavyweight boxing match, I'm duty bound to call 'em as I see 'em, and, buddy, your relationship with this gal is down for the count. Although you have great hopes and expectations that things will be heating back up with your girlfriend, I'm sorry to say, they won't. Paul, I'm here to shake you up and out of your denial and ignorance. You need to realize, dude, that you've been L.J.B.F'd -- Let's Just Be Friends. Yes, your girlfriend used the dreaded "F" word and that means that the diagnosis for this romance is: terminal. The Doctor gives his prognosis...

she's not playing hard to get When a woman is in love, she does not terminate intimate relations with her partner and tell him that she needs him to just be her friend! That's the kind of thing that a woman tells a man when her Interest Level [degree of love] has sunk below the point of no return and she's trying to let him down easy. To you Psych majors: when she digs him, she doesn't cut off the nookie. Get it? Your girlfriend's justifications for putting the brakes on would not hold up in court. If her romantic Interest Level in you were still high, she'd be finding comfort and refuge from her "stress" by remaining intimate with you. The issue is not that she's stressed. The issue is that her Interest Level is lower than the New Jersey Nets' team spirit.

you need more than chemistry Having instant chemistry with a woman is a rare and beautiful thing to experience. But just because the sparks are flying between you and a woman in the early stages of dating, that in itself is no guarantee that the two of you are going to wind up having a solid relationship. Even adding in great compatibility and intellectual rapport to the equation is not enough to guarantee a successful relationship. You have to know how to emotionally entice her. When managed properly, a female's initial animal attraction toward you can be cultivated into sustained, deep, abiding romantic interest. How is that done? By using "The System" and being a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you].

Paul, you have to learn what it means to be a Challenge. Right now it appears that you have no concept of what that is. If you had been a Challenge during the last two months, you'd still be groovin' with your babe despite the situations she's dealing with. So, please, start studying The System to make sure that you never get L.J.B.F.'d again. Remember, guys, she'll never walk away from a Challenge.

She's Kissing You, But She Has A Boyfriend Dear Doc, Hi. I'm a successful writer, and one of my plays is about to open in the San Francisco area. I've been attending all the rehearsals, working very closely with the director. One of the actresses in my play, "Samantha," has been giving me what you call a lot of buying signals . I know you like to have all the statistics, so here they are: She's about 5'5", 120lbs, with short dark hair, and has a very sexy English accent. On the rating scale I would say that she's a very strong "7." Almost an "8," but not quite. Since I'm the writer of the play, I have a lot of power and prestige in this situation and Samantha seems to have really put me on a pedestal. Over the last few weeks the touching that I've been getting from her has steadily increased. She's also been giving me a lot of those dreamy, "I want you" looks, and she continually tells me how handsome and talented I am. Now everyone on the set knows that she has a boyfriend. I've heard her mention him once or twice. But she kept giving me so many green lights that I finally just asked her for her home phone number and she cheerfully gave it to me without any hesitation. I waited a week and then called and asked her out for coffee.

she's already accounted for She was thrilled to hear from me, but when I asked her out she said, "You know that I have a boyfriend, right?" and I said, "Samantha, it's only coffee, I'm not asking you to get married." She laughed and then agreed to meet me the next night at The Java Joint downtown. When we got together, she was more flirtatious than ever. She kept touching my arm, bumping my knee and giving me more of those looks. So when I walked her to her car I went for it, and she did not mind a bit. We had a serious touchy-feely make-out-fest in that parking lot that lasted fifteen minutes. Before we said goodbye, I mentioned a book about acting that she'd probably like and told her to call me after she checked it out. (I wanted to see if she'd call me.) Five days later, she called.

Did Samantha take the bait? Find out...

instant chemistry We talked for about five or ten minutes and then I suggested that she meet me at my place. I told her that I'd make dinner. She seemed to get nervous and spooked when I did that, so I backed off and made another coffee date with her. She showed up right on time, wearing a very short skirt and a low-cut blouse. It was the most provocative outfit I'd ever seen her wear. She also had a ton of sweet-smelling perfume on. Besides that, this second coffee date went exactly the same way as the first. We spent an hour and a half having a great conversation and then we ended up back in the parking lot for another long make-out session. I tried again to see if she'd come with me to my apartment but she said that she had to get home because her boyfriend was coming over after his gig (he's a jazz musician). Anyway, I really like Samantha but it seems as if this whole thing with her just isn't going anywhere, like it has stalled. I'm sure that if I called her again, she'd meet me somewhere and it would be the same scenario for a third time, and that just isn't going work for me. I'm about ready to just blow her off. But I thought that you might have a clever idea or two, Doc. What do you think? P.S. Also, what do you think I should say if she calls again? Dino -- who is a bit frustrated

doc love's answer Hey Dino, Let me commend you on an excellent job of 'closing' this gal. She gave you the buying signals and you responded appropriately. A lot of guys would have been stymied by her mixed messages, but you followed "The System." Guys, follow Dino's lead...

let her take the lead

"The System" says: if she flirts with you, and you're interested, then keep closing no matter what tests she throws at you. Let her do her flitty butterfly, waxing and waning routine, but you, the man, remain consistent and steady as a steam locomotive, slowly but surely chugging up the hill. That's just what you did Dino. Good work! All right, so obviously I wouldn't recommend that you take this thing with Samantha seriously. You've got the right spirit when you say that you're ready to shine the whole thing on. You're not attached. You're heart's not invested in any way and that's just how you should keep it in this situation. But you can still have some fun here. Look at it this way: She's keeping you "on the side." Okay. So why not do the same thing with her? Don't take her out anywhere special. No dinners. No concerts. No dancing. She'll just be your Java Joint make-out buddy who you don't need to spend any more than six bucks on. To you Psych majors: all's fair in love and war.

take it down a notch So keep the frequency rate down. Only see her every two or three weeks. If nothing progresses any further than it already has, just look at it this way: Fifteen minutes of kissing and cuddling with a pretty young woman for the cost of two cappuccinos ain't a bad trade off. Keep in mind that if she's makin' out with you, then her relationship with her boyfriend has to be on the skids. He doesn't know it yet but he's a "dead man walkin'." Once her Interest Level [degree of love] in him sinks another ten points, he'll be getting the old heave ho. Just let her do what she's going to do. Meanwhile, you're going to be hustling lots of other women. You're going to find some candidates who not only have high interest in you, but also don't have any boyfriends in the background. You're not going to be one of those saps who get all emotionally invested in a woman who's unavailable, hoping and waiting for her to leave her boyfriend. Just think of Samantha as your little diversionary entertainment chick. Let her call you. She most likely will. And when she does, have her meet you at a different coffeehouse. But no restaurants where you'd have to spend extra money on her. When you're chatting with her, keep it light. Don't mention the boyfriend. Don't get into an analysis of the situation with her. Don't make her feel like you want anything from her. Do not pressure her in any way. And let her do all the touching until you get back to the parking lot for your fifteen minutes of delight. Who knows, she just might see the light and let you know that she wants to take things further with you. But if that's going to happen, the initiative has to come from her. If it never does,

who cares? Remember, guys, it's more fun to date women who are available.

Are You A "Nice Guy"? Doc, I'm a single (dating) man in my late twenties, stationed overseas. Although I'm occasionally shy, I don't have problems meeting women. The real problem has always been keeping the ones I want. It seems that the ones I could care less about refuse to leave even when dumped, and the ones I wish would stick around seem to disappear into thin air after a few weeks or months. I'm a fairly attractive, educated guy and have a good career going. I have no baggage -emotional or otherwise -- no previous marriages, no children, etc. Women often tell me that I'm a "nice guy," but I'm beginning to suspect this to be the problem. What gives Doc? I've been checking out your articles on AskMen.com, and I like the way you think. You seem so much more direct than most of these relationship "experts" that speak in riddles and generalities, and I like that. So here it is. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your time and keep up the good work. Davin -- who needs more insight

doc love's answer Hi Davin, Your suspicion that you have a "Nice Guy" problem just may be right. So let's cut to the chase and get clear on exactly what we're talking about here. "Nice Guy" is a term used by women to describe a guy who is thoughtful, sensitive, attentive, and considerate, and is therefore disqualified as a potential mate. Now besides being told by a woman that you're a Nice Guy (which is the kiss of death), how can you tell if you have the dreaded curse? You are suffering from The Nice Guy Syndrome if:  Your bill at the florist last year was more than your monthly house payment.  Women often tell you that, "You are such a good listener."  When you arrive to pick up your date at her place, her cat isn't even threatened by you.  You didn't go to a concert that you had tickets for because your female friend needed your help moving her furniture out of her abusive boyfriend's apartment. (You do things for women that you'd really rather not do, but you pretend that you do not mind so that they will like you more.)

Does any of this sound familiar?  You are more comfortable hanging out with women than men and you have few male friends.  Your biggest thrill in the last few months came after you spent an entire Saturday fixing your foxy neighbor's broken toilet and she said, "You are so sweet!"  You avoid conflict with your girlfriend at all costs.  Saying "No" to your girlfriend never enters your mind.  It is difficult for you to put your own needs first. You think that if you do, you are being selfish.  You consider yourself more sensitive and evolved than other men.  The last time you got past second base was three Fourth of Julys ago at the neighborhood softball game.  You pride yourself on not being like the other men who "only have one thing on their minds." (You happen to have the same thing on your mind, but you hide it from women -- and yourself.)  You always ask for a woman's permission before you try to kiss her on the cheek.  Your emotional well-being is dependent on your girlfriend's happiness. You are happy only when she is happy.

examine yourself Davin, check this list closely. If you take a real honest look here, then you'll probably see yourself in some of these examples. (Even men who appear very rugged and macho can still be suffering from The Nice Guy Syndrome.) But take heart because now you're beginning to have some understanding as to why you can't seem to create the kind of romantic relationship that you'd like to have in your life. How do these conflicts play out for you in real time, Davin? It probably goes something like this: There you are. You're horny. You're a bit lonely. It's been a while since you've even had a date with a woman whom you'd consider long-term relationship material. Ah, but look. This girl who's slightly flaky, yet kind of cute in a way, is showing a whole lot of interest in you, and she's making it very easy for you to hook up with her. "Hmm, it feels nice to be wanted," you say to yourself. So you go for it, thinking that you won't have to deal with the messy details of dropping her when you tire of her, until later. And right now you just want some intimacy and affection.

you're a jerk without knowing it Of course we know what happens next. She falls in love and can't get enough of you. Not only because she had high Interest Level [degree of love] in you to begin with, but more importantly because she instinctively senses that you don't want or need her approval . You could care less about impressing her, so she experiences you as strong, independent, selfsufficient, and hence, very desirable. But by this point, your Interest Level has sunken even

lower than it was to begin with, and you now have the unpleasant task of trying to figure out a way to let her down easy. (As my acupuncturist Dr. Lao would say, "He who thinks with his dingy dong instead of his brain, makes big mess. Hard to clean up!") And when it's a woman you like...

you'll do anything for her But when you start dating a woman that you really like , your fear of abandonment and your need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors: he always lets her have her way. The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and try to ensure that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you. Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior with each new woman that you like. So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, Davin, which are what I'm providing you with now. Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to clean up your act. Now you don't need to spend thousands of dollars on therapy to get through this. All the tools that you need to make the shift from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Success are in "The System.." So get serious and start studying, and you'll soon begin to notice a real improvement in your love life. Good luck! Remember guys: when you like her a lot, don't show it -- at least not until much later.

How To Handle Two Girlfriends My girlfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the last year and a half. For the most part, we've been pretty happy. She's the type of girl that I've always dreamed about: successful, intelligent and fun. The only thing that has ever made me question our relationship is her nasty attitude. She has the ability to go from my sweet little girl to super bitch in two seconds flat. Her attitude problem often strains her relationship with friends and family. I never know when she's going to have a fit and start laying into me.

A few months ago I went out to a club and met a beautiful girl named Kristine. I ended up bringing her home that night. We had a great time and hung out a few more times over the next couple of weeks. I was honest with her and told her about my girlfriend. She told me that she had just ended a relationship and was very content being 22 and single again.

here's where it gets tricky Recently, my girlfriend moved in with me. This past weekend, we went out to a club together and we bumped into Kristine. I introduced her quickly to my girlfriend as a former co-worker. Later in the night, my girlfriend left the club because she had a headache, giving me the chance to chat with Kristine. By this time Kristine was apparently intoxicated. She told me that she missed me, and wanted me to move in with her. I told her that she had really caught me off guard, and that I needed some time to react to what she was saying. The next night, my girlfriend and I went to another club. Amazingly, I bumped into Kristine again. We spoke for a few minutes while my girlfriend was dancing in another room. Now that Kristine was sober, I asked her about the prior night's conversation. She told me that she had meant every word and really wanted me to move in with her. Jacob's in deep... I'm really confused because at a minimum, I'm infatuated with Kristine. She's among the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. We have a great time whenever we hang out, and I think about her quite a bit, although up until this point our relationship has only been physical in nature. So my question is, what should I do? Should I remain faithful to my girlfriend and tell Kristine that I can't be involved with her? Should I try to get to know Kristine better to figure out if we are indeed compatible? Should I break up with my girlfriend? What do you think? Jacob -- who needs to make the right decision

doc love's answer Hi, First of all, Jacob, I want you to ask yourself, "Why am I staying in a relationship with a girl who has a nasty attitude?" Come on Jacob, get real. You're telling me that in your world, it's perfectly fine to let a girl move in with you who can turn into "super bitch" at the drop of a hat? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "What's a matter with your brain, boy? Did your

mama drop you on your noggin when you were a young'un?" In many instances, you don't find out that a woman has a bad attitude until you live with her for a while. But you already knew that your gal was trouble and you let her move in anyway! You should never keep a woman who has a nasty attitude and certainly not co-habitate with her unless you're a masochist who enjoys walking on eggshells and being uncomfortable all the time. Now let's look at some other important issues. You should never have told Kristine about your girlfriend. There's no constructive purpose in doing something like that. "The System" says that when you're with one woman, you don't talk to her about another woman, whether that other woman is your ex-girlfriend or your current one. It's too much information and it's not a classy thing to do, plus, it doesn't help your cause. Also, if you spend the night with a woman and then tell her that you currently have a girlfriend, how does that help to build your image as a trustworthy fellow? (If you're not trustworthy, why broadcast the fact that you're not?) Jacob messed up even more...

in too deep Now I have to bust you on another thing, Jacob. You lied to your girlfriend when you told her that Kristine was a "former co-worker." Whenever you lie to your partner, you set yourself up for a slippery slide into some deep doo-doo. Instead you should have introduced her to your girlfriend by simply saying, "This is Kristine." If your girlfriend had inquired further about Kristine, you could have told her that you had previously met and talked with Kristine at a club. Fibbing by omission is passable, but directly lying is only going to come back to bite you later. Just ask Bill Clinton. Okay. Now that we've gained some clarity, let's get to the nitty-gritty. The Bottom Line Factor [the end result] says that you are not committed to your girlfriend. You cheated on her and didn't think twice about it. She's got a problem personality, and your romantic Interest Level [degree of love] in her is mediocre. This unfortunate combination is a lousy foundation to try to build a relationship on.

break away while you can You wouldn't have been with Kristine and you wouldn't now be thinking about her all the time if you hadn't already emotionally divorced yourself from your girlfriend. So wake up! Any way you look at it; it's time you gave Miss Minefield her eviction notice.

Once you've made a clean break, you can begin to explore the possibilities with Kristine. But take it slow. Don't have any further discussions about shackin' up with her until you get considerably more time in together. Keep your conversations light and non-serious. And find out if there's more to your relationship with Kristine than just physical attraction. Overall, Jacob, you need to get more focused and disciplined in your approach to women. You're too flippy and flighty. You're impatient and you're sloppy. And , you're very foggy about what's good for you and what's not. Please, please, start studying "The System!" Remember, guys: If you want to be successful in love, you have to know what's good for you and what's not.

Don't Give Up On Dating Dear Doc, I got your material about eight months ago and I have been following all your coaching to the letter. I have changed my dating habits in so many ways, it's as if I'm a different person. Before I had your Dating Dictionary, I had a kind of false confidence with women. If a woman wasn't responding to me the way I thought she should, then I would just try harder to impress her. I'd then take her out to a restaurant that was even more expensive than the last. I'd tell her how I couldn't stop thinking about her, how I was falling in love with her, stuff like that. Sometimes this approach would keep the girl interested for three or four extra weeks. She'd initially enjoy the flattery and the luxury I was providing. But then things would always take a dive and I'd be wondering what the heck I did wrong. I guess I'm saying that I used to think that I could make a woman like me by "hard selling" myself to her. Now I understand that she has to choose me and like me first, before anything gets off the ground. All the expensive dinners and heavy verbal come-ons are a waste of time, money and my own self-respect. You're so on the money, Doc. You've got to let them chase you !

it's her choice It was a shock to come to the realization that I had been spending so much time and energy pursuing women who never had what you call "high interest" in me. I just never had a "system" for screening out the phonies. I always thought that if a woman accepted a date with me, well then she had to be interested in me. Not true! As I've heard you say before, "There's a worldwide epidemic of phony female flirt-itis."

Okay, here's the thing. Since I've come to understand the difference between a woman who appears to have high interest in me versus a woman who really has high interest in me, there's something else I've begun to notice: It's hard to find an attractive, intelligent woman with a great personality who also has authentic high interest in me. Over the past four months I've been very busy using the Internet to meet women and set up dates. I've kept track, and over a four-month period I have had coffee dates with exactly 42 different women. Out of the 42, there have been six or seven that I really thought had potential. But none of them gave me any buying signals. None of them were choosing me. I would never even consider going back to my old habits to try to get something going with any of these girls. But what should I do? This is exhausting. Is there something I'm missing here? Is there a more effective and efficient way to go about this? I'm really frustrated. Any advice, Doc? Al -- who needs to have a "win" soon

doc love's answer Hi Al, Well, you have obviously been doing your homework. You have an excellent grasp on the concept of Interest Level [degree of love]. Knowing how to determine a woman's true level of interest in you by accurately reading her ambiguous signals, is one of the most powerful skills a fellow can acquire from studying "The System." Keep at it ol' chap...

you're on the right track And yes, it's true. When you study "The System" with patience and dedication, you begin to see things as they really are rather than how you think they are or wish they were. You begin to understand that most of your life, you've been overrating women's romantic attraction toward you. Watch any of the reality-based dating shows on television and you'll readily observe this overrating-the-female's-Interest Level phenomenon. On three out of five dates, you'll see the guy ranting on to the camera about how the girl is hot for him while she's hoping she'll never have to see the guy again. All right. So let's examine your problem. Since you're a dedicated student of The System, I'm going to assume that you're faithfully following all the dating dos and don'ts that are outlined in The Dating Dictionary and that you're not doing anything ignorant or clumsy to turn these

women off. If you're following all my guidelines while out on your coffee dates, then the best explanation for your lack of success lately is simply that you're in a slump. It happens to the best of us.

heed my advice I have two recommendations to help you get out of your slump. Number one: I want you to branch out. Don't focus solely on the Internet. Some guys kick butt on Internet dating sites, while others do much better at Adult Ed classes or New Age workshops, for instance. So, as Shakespeare might say, "Get thee to a yoga class young squire." Check out dance studios or toastmasters meetings. Do something different. There's no use staying on the same road if it isn't taking you where you want to go. Number two: Don't give up! It's certainly legitimate to feel discouraged after having nothing to show for all your work. So go ahead and fully feel all the discouragement that's in your heart (so that you're not stuffing it), and then dump it all out. Let it go and move on. As long as you stick with "The System," you're going to succeed. And as my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, "There ain't no drought that lasts forever. The rain always comes sooner or later." Remember, guys: Dating is a numbers game and you only need one.

Are You Intimidated By Taller Women? Dear Doc, I'm a 38-year-old stockbroker taking a computer class every Thursday night (to keep up with the times), and there's this beautiful woman in my class. She's a total babe and has a fantastic personality. She's very intelligent and has her own business working as an agent for television commercial directors. Our computer class has been going on for about six weeks now, but since the very first night she has been flirting with me, quite blatantly. Last week she even said to me, "So when are you going to ask me out?" I told her, "Probably soon." I'm usually a lot more firm and decisive. When it's time to take action, I take action. So why didn't I simply ask her out? The problem for me is that I'm 5'6" tall and this girl is a solid 6' tall. And of course in heels she's even taller.

she's really up there

The height difference is really messing with my mind. When I stand next to her I feel like a midget and not very manly. I'm trying to imagine the two of us out on a date in public and it just seems weird to me. I know that I'd be very uncomfortable. But otherwise she has so many of the qualities that I look for in a girlfriend. When we're both sitting down together and my mind isn't on the height issue, I very much want to be romantic with her. Half of me wants to just make up an excuse to tell her why I can't date her, and the other half of me feels like I'd be acting weak and foolish if I did that. Do you think there's a way to overcome my discomfort and feel more confident? Do you think it's a healthy thing for a guy to date a girl who's half a foot taller than he is? What do you say Doc? Any ideas? Theron -- who is very confused

doc love's answer Hi Theron, Your discomfort with the discrepancy in height between you and your honey is understandable. But I recommend that you be courageous and push yourself beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. You've gotta make your choice...

the road much traveled The way I see it, you've got two choices here. You can pass on this extraordinary opportunity and thereby further validate your fears and insecurities, or you can have a new adventure with an exotic woman who looks as if she could win the Miss World Contest. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say: "The path of fear or the path of courage and adventure, which one is it gonna be, boy?" Think about it. What's the worst thing that could happen to you if you were out in public with this gal? Are you afraid that someone might snicker at you? Maybe some might. But I'd say that most people would be looking at you with envy or admiration or intense curiosity, wondering what powerful personal qualities you have that you were able to attract such an amazing beauty. If you give yourself plenty of approval for being the great guy that you are, then you won't be dependent on other people's approval, or compromised by their disapproval. You won't care what people think one way or another. Use this situation to exercise your self-esteem muscles. See if you can get into the headspace of simply not giving a hoot. See if you can become hootless .

There's no way of telling right now if being in a relationship with your statuesque classmate would work for you over the long haul or not. But you may possibly discover that with time and a whole lot of sweetness and High Interest from her, her height (or your lack of it in comparison) will become a non-issue for you. Who knows? You'll only find out if you go out with her. If you don't go out with her, nothing will happen and that's pretty boring.

model behavior To give you a little extra inspiration, Theron, allow me to share a brief personal anecdote with you. A couple of years ago, while waiting for a friend at the bar in the Beverly Hilton Hotel, I struck up a conversation with a chap of rather diminutive stature. He was an average-looking guy and was no more than 5'5" tall. He told me that he was a real-estate agent and that he was dating a model. At the time I thought that he was giving me more of the usual LA-big-talker hype. But a few minutes later, lo and behold, his Claudia Schiffer look-alike girlfriend who was taller than a camel came walking in, sat down in his lap and gave him a long wet kiss right there in front of me. He introduced me to her, then said goodbye and walked on out to the lobby with her, arm in arm. And I've got to tell you that this guy was as cool, comfortable and confident as Vin Diesel in a tight spot. Plus, he got off on her height. So Theron, get that cutie out on a date. When the two of you are together, make no remarks about how tall she is. And if she wants to put her arm around you while you're walking down the street, go with it. Just make sure that you are the one walking on the outer side of the sidewalk. Remember guys: If you go out with a woman who's taller than you, tell her to wear high heels.

Is A Woman's Jealousy A Good Thing? Dear Doc, My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. She is the kind of woman that you maybe find once in a lifetime -- beautiful, talented and loving. She adores me and I feel the same way about her. We have our disagreements every so often but they are always very minor. She truly respects and appreciates me, and lets me know it all the time. I'm not writing because I have some kind of big problem with her. There's just something that happened the

other night that I'm curious about. We were together last week at her friend's birthday party. There were about 40 guests there, three guys including me, and of course, the rest were women. And just for the record, my girlfriend was the most attractive woman there.

chitty chat, pussycat We were enjoying ourselves, chatting with various people, and my girlfriend introduced me to some of her girlfriends. After a while she started talking one-on-one with another one of her friends. At the same time, the second most attractive woman in the room and I started chatting while we were standing right next to my girlfriend and her other friend. The girl I was talking with asked me what I did and I told her that I was a jazz musician. Well as soon as I said that she lit up like a Christmas tree. And then, as she was telling me how much she loved jazz and how she thought it was the greatest thing in the world that I played the sax, she grabbed my arm. Then a minute later, she stroked my shoulder. From the corner of my eye I could see that my girlfriend was taking note of all this. It was pretty obvious that this woman was flirting with me, and the interesting thing is, she knew I was there with my girlfriend. Then this girl touched me a third time and I thought, "Man, this is over the top!" Although I never reciprocated and she was the one coming on to me , I still felt guilty. What was I supposed to do? Tell her to stop touching me?

my girl wasn't pleased Later my girlfriend commented on what happened. She said, "I can't believe that bitch. Doesn't she know that you're my man? You didn't encourage her did you?" Well, I have to tell you, I've never seen my girlfriend get jealous like that before. It was like seeing a side of her for the first time. On the one hand, it felt good because I know it means that she has very high interest in me. But then I also know that you think jealousy is a big no-no. She hasn't said anything more about what happened since, but I'm just wondering: Is it okay that my girlfriend got so uptight about what happened, or do I possibly have a little problem that I should nip in the bud? What's your opinion Doc? Mitchell -- who wants to be sure

doc love's answer Hi Mitchell, Great question. It's always a good idea to get clarity on any confusing situation that might pop up in your relationship. Most guys don't understand the importance of doing that. Dealing with her jealousy...

women are unpredictable Even when you have a wonderful woman with a fantastic attitude, she'll still occasionally throw little whammies at you. If you don't handle these tricky episodes properly, she will lower your comfort level slowly and the romance will sour over time. Okay, Mitchell, first of all, regarding the chick who was all over you like white on rice, realize that some women allow themselves to let their hair down at parties in ways that they normally wouldn't, and it means nothing. They feel freer when they're out of the house, away from their responsibilities. When they're among a bunch of friends, they can often get very buddy-buddy with everyone and it ain't no big deal to them to let their chatterbox selves show a bit. (They also have little or no concern that you might misinterpret their behavior.) This could have been exactly what was going on with that gal. On the other hand, she indeed could have been giving you heavy buying signals and could have been trying to rip-off your girlfriend. We don't know and whatever the answer is, it's irrelevant. You did everything right and nothing wrong. You didn't touch her back. You didn't react. This would have been the proper response whether your girlfriend was there or not.

jealousy can work wonders Although you had concerns about what your girlfriend was thinking when this all went down, the situation actually worked to your advantage. Why? Because your girlfriend had a realtime eyewitness experience of another attractive woman seemingly come on to you, so you became even more of a stud in her mind. To you Psych majors, she likes him more when she knows she's got competition. And since your girlfriend didn't make a scene right then and there while this other gal was fondling you, I do not think that your girlfriend has a significant jealousy/possessiveness problem. I wouldn't really call her the jealous type. It's actually a good sign that she got a little hot and bothered by that other woman's behavior while she didn't lay any blame on you. It means that your girlfriend has more than 90% Interest Level [degree of love] in you and that's a good thing. But here are a couple of snappy comebacks you can use if you and your girlfriend find

yourselves in a similar situation again. If she says something like, "I can't believe that bitch." You can jokingly say, "She's not a bitch, she just has good taste." Or, you could playfully say, "Aw, does my little baby think I'm going to leave her for someone else?" And then wink at her and give her a quick little kiss. Remember, guys: Kitty Cats Compete.

Has Your Girlfriend Outgrown You? Hello Doc, I must start by saying I love your articles. My problem is that I'm seeing a 19-year-old woman. I'm 27. We love each other very much and have the same outlook on life. She went backpacking and hiking in Alaska for three months, which I totally supported since I have traveled to almost every continent. I am a little worried, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she was sharing a tent with two guys. During the trip she was allowed to come back to base after a two-month mark, during which time I had written to her. She had also written, telling me how much she loves me. So after another month of no verbal communication, she came back to base and called, and said that she has changed so much that she now has a different outlook on life. Now I don't know what that's supposed to mean. She says that she misses me and can't wait to see me, and that she loves me a lot. I am meeting her in a few weeks. She lives in the Midwest, and we are going to embark on a road trip together for 10 days. I would like to know how to handle the situation so that she can get readjusted to me. I know that she has changed. I have plans for us to go hiking in India in a couple of years, which she's not aware of yet. I would also like to add that before she left, our relationship was solid as a rock. I may just be feeling funny, but I guess I need some reassurance in how to tackle the situation, since I haven't seen her for just over three months, and she has to get back to reality. I love her very much and I know I can make this work. Any guidance you can give, Doc, would be great. Thank you so much for reading this. John -- who is feeling a little funny

doc love's answer Hi John, Let me begin with this caveat. Most women who are between the ages of 18 and 22 are fickle with their affections. They fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. To make an emotional investment in a female who has such a lack of maturity and life experience is a risky

proposition. At the tender age of 19, she's got more oats to sow than Quaker. But John, you've not only been emotionally reckless, you're also pathetically nave. Your "true love" has been sleeping with two guys in a tent for three months and you're not concerned at all? Hey, I've got some extra Enron shares that I can sell you at a discounted price! She didn't bring you along in her backpack...

you're not in her plans And another thing. Why weren't you included in her Alaskan adventure? A girl who is truly in love with you and you alone, wouldn't take off on a trip where she couldn't even write to you for two months. She'd either take the trip with you or, she wouldn't go. Three months in the wild is a long, long time and it's an eternity to a 19-year-old. It would be impossible for a girl with true High Interest to tolerate being away from you for a quarter of a year. And yes, what exactly was that supposed to mean when she told you that she now has "a totally different outlook on life"? After those words passed from her lips, you were left baffled and bemused. I'll bet you've been ruminating over what she said ever since, imagining the best-case scenario versus the worst-case scenario.

interrogate her But you could have avoided having to marinate in a stew of doubt and confusion. You could have instantly liberated yourself from limbo. How? By asking your girlfriend what she specifically meant when she said that she's "changed so much." In relationships, there's a time to lay back and there's a time to get aggressive and do some serious interrogating, like a cop from Internal Affairs. This was one of those times when you should have pinned your partner down, John. Although you didn't get an explanation from your girlfriend, I'll bet you a new pair of hiking boots that when she told you "I've changed so much," that was Womanese for "One of my tent mates has shown me what 'The Call of the Wild' really means." So before you start packin' for your 10-day road trip, you must first get your Alaska lovin' lassie on the phone and have a truth-telling session with her. You need to find out where her heart's really at before you hit the road with her. She may indeed end up revealing that her feelings for you have changed and that she wants to "just be friends" now. Maybe not, but if that is the case, wouldn't you rather know before you spend 10 days and nights with her? If she does insist on shifting your relationship to a platonic mode, I don't recommend that you take that trip with her. Unless you're up for a vacation filled with constant anguish.

Remember, guys: When they throw a zinger at you, you've got to call 'em on it right when it happens.

Once She Says No, You're Gone Dear Doc, A couple of months ago, before I was a student of "The System," I made the critical mistake of confessing my amorous feelings to a co-worker. She initially suggested that we have lunch together and we went out to lunch several times. When we were together, she didn't hesitate to reveal many personal things that I know she had not told others, so I thought she wanted to get close to me. Then one day I told her that I felt very loving feelings for her. The next day at a company get-together, she completely ignored me. So at the end of the event I approached her and told her how much I had enjoyed spending time with her. I told her that if there was something I did wrong, to please tell me. After some prying on my part (and another confession of my feelings), she finally said that she was worried about the fact that she may have given me the "wrong impression" by being open with me and she was telling me this because we are such "good friends." (If I had kept my trap shut, I am confident that things would be very different now.) After this incident, I came across "The System." I then poured on some Challenge and became "too busy" to hang out with her.

enter guy #2 She then started spending a lot of time with another guy that works with us. I later found out that they were dating and she insisted that they keep it a secret from co-workers. The funny thing is that you would think she would want to be alone with this guy, however, she would take the opportunity to invite me to join them and she would never make this offer to others. Of course, I would politely make up an excuse and decline. Months have passed and I have watched this other guy do things to lower her Interest Level. And whenever we talk at work she is extra friendly and she actually seems nervous around me. She also makes suggestions about having more lunches together, which I haven't taken her up on yet. So does she want to be friends or more?

My question to you is; do you have any explanation for her behavior toward me? Usually when a girl wants to be "just friends," she is just saying that and would not care if the friendship continued. Also, I have never seen this level of nervousness in a woman that wants to be "just friends." (If we had been "friends" I could understand this behavior, however, I only knew her for less than a month before the "incident.") I still have very strong feelings for her, but I don't feel like setting myself up for rejection again. I'm pretty sure she thinks of me only as a "friend." But on the other hand, maybe I have a chance since I've been such a Challenge with her. What do you think Doc? Monsoor -- who is sold on "The System."

doc love's answer Hi Monsoor, I'm glad that you've gotten "plugged in" to "The System" and that you understand how and why you made the mistakes that you did with your co-worker. I can tell by your enthusiasm that you don't need a big pep talk to motivate you to play it cool the next time you're together with a girl you really like. You have a real appreciation of "The System" and its power, and that's going to keep you on track in the future. Now allow me to fine-tune your understanding of the events that transpired. First of all, you made a nave assumption when you decided that this gal had confided things to you that she hadn't shared with anyone else. How could you be sure that that was true? How could you have possibly known whether or not she recently poured her guts out to someone else, just as she had done with you? When you assumed that you were the only one, you were being run by your ego rather than being objective. You further misinterpreted her behavior by assuming that she was confiding in you because she had romantic interest in you. It's true that a woman will not bare her soul to a guy unless she feels very comfortable with him. And it's important to always maintain a high level of comfort for the woman whom you're courting. But here's what you need to understand: High comfort level does not equal high romantic Interest Level [degree of love].

charge her an hourly rate A woman can feel so comfortable with you that she actually will confess things to you that she really, truly never has told anyone else, ever. (Sometimes you can wind up hearing more than you'd ever want or need to know.) And she can share all of that without having any physical or romantic attraction to you whatsoever. There are thousands of Teddy Bear guys out there whom women regularly use as their therapists, who, sadly, will verify what I've just told you.

Looks like your ship has sailed...

you're outta there buddy If your lovely co-worker had high romantic interest in you, she would have been suggesting that the two of you have dinner together rather than only lunch. A woman with high Interest Level wouldn't be satisfied with going out only for lunch breaks. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say: "When a chick is gone over you, she wants to be wined and dined." Later, when she invited you to come along on her lunch dates with that other guy, she was trying to use you as a buffer. Since she wanted to keep her affair a secret from her co-workers, it would have made things look much more innocent if she had a third party along. She needed a stooge and she nominated you. Pretty brutal, huh? (I doubt that any other love doctor on the planet would have called that one!) The reason she acts nervous around you now is most likely that she has low self-esteem and she can't handle the fact that you rejected her as a "friend." Your rejection of her as a potential girlfriend has nothing to do with it. It's just that she can't stand not being liked by someone she sees a lot.

hindsight is 20/20 Looking back, as you know, you should never have spilled your guts to her. And you could have easily tested her Interest Level and saved yourself a lot of needless confusion by asking her out for dinner. But asking her out now is pointless. Once you're out, you're out. Fortunately, you have me as your coach now, and next time around you'll do much better, Monsoor. Still, you can appreciate the fact that you've learned some valuable lessons from this experience. Remember, guys: You only get one shot, so don't blow it.

You Have To Risk Rejection To Get Women Hi Doc, As a female reader, I must admit that "The System" is absolutely brilliant. When I first began reading your articles, I remember telling myself, "This advice is exactly right!" I am pleased that an expert is finally telling the truth. And although the column is geared toward men, I have a question. In recent times a few guys have "closed" by hinting that we "hang out sometime" (very weak), and then give me their phone numbers and expect me to call. Keep in mind, they don't ask for

my number. Of course, their methods instantly lower my Interest Level. Then when I run into them again, they ask why I haven't called. The way I see it, if a guy presents himself this way to begin with, he's not someone that I'd want to be in a relationship with. Any thoughts on how I should handle guys that don't take the direct approach? Is it possible that I intimidate them? Thanks. Caprice -- who wants to know more

doc love's answer Hi Caprice, Of course you know that one of the bedrock principles of "The System" is: Always ask for the home phone number. If any of you guys have ever wondered why I make such a big deal out of this, you now have your answer. Thank you, Caprice, for giving us this valuable insight into what's really going on out there. Your real-life experience verifies what I've been righteously ranting about: The average guy does not know how to properly approach and "close" a woman. When a guy hands a woman his number without asking for hers, it shows that he does not have the confidence to rebuff her possible rejection. It demonstrates that he's risk averse, so he will never be successful in romantic relationships. Even if she likes you, she won't call... A woman who would be happy to have a guy call her if he asked for her number, will usually not call him. Why not? 1- She, like most women, doesn't feel comfortable calling a guy. This even applies to a guy she likes (unless her Interest Level in him is over 90% -- and most of the time, it starts at a lower point than that). 2- A man's passive behavior will turn her off. As "liberated" as women have become in the 21st century, when the pedal hits the metal, they still expect men to be the ones who risk rejection. It makes them uncomfortable when a man expects them to be the risk takers -- at least in the beginning.

take charge, guy So I'm telling you guys out there, listen up and take this to heart. This kind of hedging-yourbets, passive approach is for girly-men. Women don't want passivity. They want a guy who is direct and takes charge. A guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. A guy who's

undaunted by the threat of potential rejection. To you Psych majors: They want a guy who doesn't care. I think that it's important to emphasize that it is the fear of rejection that motivates most guys to take this indirect-passive approach. They think that if they come on in a laid-back, slightly ambiguous way, they are safe from hearing the dreaded "N" word. But this is no way to live. No risk, no passion, no fun. And here's something to contemplate: Would the man of a woman's romantic fantasies ever say something like, "Yeah, maybe we should hang out sometime"? Is that something that a powerful, magnetic and charismatic fellow would say? No!

tell him to call All right now, back to you, dear Caprice. How should you handle the guys who don't take the direct approach? If it's a guy who you have some real interest in and he's trying to give you his phone number instead of asking for yours, you could try just telling him point blank, "If you want to go out with me, you have to ask me for my home phone number and call me." That would shake him up a bit and maybe he'd get the hint. In response to your other question, I doubt that you are doing anything in particular to intimidate these guys. Most men are intimidated by women, period. Remember, guys: Women love men who do not fear rejection.

Why Are Some Men Pigs? Dear Doc Love, My boyfriend is a serious fan of "The System" and credits you for having a substantial impact on the fact that he and I are together. I read your column occasionally and must admit you do shed light on women's behavior and how men can better understand and connect with us. However, I was hoping you could shed some light on an aspect of male behavior that has puzzled me for many years. What motivates a man to speak to a woman he doesn't know in a sexually loaded, leering, predatory kind of way? Does it make him feel powerful? Is it a way to get attention? Does he think his behavior is actually attractive and will result in his "getting some"? Does he do it to belittle her because he feels he can't have her? Many men complain about women being cold and unapproachable. Well this is one of the reasons why we are this way. It's repulsive and invasive to be on the receiving end of this lewd-osity . After a while, we learn to keep our force field up at all times. Much of what has been said to me in this fashion isn't even fit for print.

So Doc, why do some guys do that? And can you please suggest that they stop doing it and try to treat women with respect and authentic friendliness instead? Charleen -- who is miffed and mystified

doc love's answer Dear Charleen, Unfortunately, your experience is in no way out of the ordinary. Women have to put up with this invasive, insulting crap from stupid men all the time. And it's these morons who make it hard for the rest of the quality guys. So what's the story here? As much as it pains me to report, the Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] tells us that a substantial percentage of men consistently act like morons around women. And social status seems to have no bearing on the problem. A guy can be rich, successful, or even famous and still be a clueless idiot. So what is it that makes these weirdos tick?

these guys feel inferior What motivates these guys? Well, much of their behavior is based in their deep resentment toward women. Since they've never had any positive role models to teach them how to properly woo a woman, they get stuck in a vicious cycle. Their ignorance causes them to continually be rejected by women. Continual rejection breeds resentment, which begets repulsive behavior, which creates more rejection, resentment, repulsive behavior, etc. For these guys, getting in a woman's face with creepy come-ons momentarily makes them feel powerful even though they're just masking their feelings of powerlessness when it comes to the opposite sex. They think to themselves: "Hey, at least I got her to react to me. At least I got her to acknowledge me." So yes, Charleen, their negative behavior does make them feel powerful and it is a way for them to get attention. To you Psych majors: They're idiots.

they go home to porn And after a hard day of wreaking havoc and doing negative PR for the male species, these guys go home to their porn videos where they watch the male role models that they aspire to

be like -- guys who magically get sex, simply by uttering a few nasty words to women. I'll tell you something else, Charleen. As difficult as you may find this to believe, there is a small percentage of women out there who think that all men act in this disgusting way. They think, "Well, that's the way men are," so they go along with it and get involved with these guys. Of course this only helps to perpetuate the problem. If all these guys had fathers, teachers or big brothers to educate them about manners and class, this would be a very different society. Unfortunately they don't, but that's why I'm here.

educate to stop the hate As more and more men learn about "The System," a gradual transformation of the male mentality is taking place. Even some of these macho morons are starting to get it. I've got a lot of souls to save, Charleen, but I will not rest until I've saved every one. So if any of you guys have been acting like creeps, I strongly recommend that you immediately cease and desist! This kind of crap is hurtful to women and to you too. And if any of you guys who work with "The System" see one of your brethren exhibiting this kind of destructive behavior, take him aside and show him the error of his ways. Enlighten your compadre and know that you are making a real contribution toward ending the war of the sexes. Remember guys, if you don't have anything positive to say, keep your mouth shut.

How To Read A Woman's Interest Level Dear Doc, I studied "The System" and it made me realize how naïve I've been. However, I have a problem with one of the first steps. You state that it's important to determine a woman's Interest Level by her "buying signals." Well here is a situation I recently experienced at the gym: I noticed a girl who seemed nice in an exercise class. When it was over, I initiated the conversation by asking her something about the shirt she was wearing. We had a short conversation in which she did most of the talking. When her friends showed up, I left, but she seemed happy that I spoke with her. The next time she saw me, she smiled. But instead of responding to her, I continued my

exercise. Suddenly, her expression changed. I thought that if she was really interested, she would have come over. So to test her Interest Level, I walked by her a couple of times, but she didn't say a word. The next time I saw her, again she didn't speak to me. And because I wasn't able to read her body language, I never made an attempt to speak with her. Looking back however, I think I should have walked over, said hello and asked for her phone number. So to determine if a woman is really interested, should I wait until she makes the effort to initiate a conversation or do you think it is okay to use her body language as a signal? My concern is that if a guy has a very high Interest Level in a woman, he may misinterpret her non-verbal communication as being highly interested when she really isn't. Martin -- who is learning

doc love's answer Hey Martin, It's great that you're working with the concept of Interest Level [degree of love] so conscientiously. It's crucial to constantly evaluate the Interest Level of the various candidates that you encounter with the greatest mastery that you're capable of. You seem to have a deep appreciation of the importance of that principle, Martin. But there's another important element you're missing here...

there are levels Understand this: There are degrees of Interest Level. You began your last question with the words, "to determine if a woman is really interested..." That's where you're off track. There's a huge range between 51% Interest Level and 100%. A woman with an Interest Level of only 51% is barely interested in you at all. When a woman's Interest Level begins at 51%, all it means is that you have a fighting chance with her as opposed to no chance whatsoever. But for a woman who has never met you before, to be motivated to initiate a conversation with you in a public place, her Interest Level in you must be at least 80% or higher -- get it? Understand something else, Martin. Just because a woman has 80%+ Interest Level in you, that alone does not guarantee that she will approach and initiate contact with a guy that she's attracted to. If she's an old-fashioned kind of gal, she'll still wait for the man to make the first move. Why? Because society dictates that it's the male who must be the aggressor. She still may think, "Hey, it's his job to put himself at risk, not mine."

she'll never chase Yes, Martin, it appears that you have some unrealistic expectations. You're expecting these women to "close" you while you remain passive. If that's your game plan, you might be receiving your Social Security checks long before you get a date. You had the right idea when you initiated the conversation with your exercise classmate. That was excellent. You took advantage of a prop that she herself was supplying -- her T-shirt -and you got the ball rolling. And you were smart not to linger too long. But you neglected to do one vitally important thing. You failed to ask for her home phone number! What were you waiting for, a message from God? You executed a perfect setup, but you had no follow through. So what if you would have had to ask for her phone number in front of her friends. Even if it had turned out that she rebuffed you while they witnessed, so what? They all would have respected you because you had the guts to ask. And who knows, maybe one her friends would have said, "Hey, you're cute, I'll give you my number."

you're up at bat So Martin, when you're considering approaching a woman you've never been introduced to, be aware of what her body language is saying. Check out and properly evaluate every nonverbal signal that you can find. Then, if you're getting some kind of buying signals, make an attempt to strike up a conversation with her. Of course, try to get her to laugh right off the bat if at all possible. But do not wait for her to make the first move. And even if she does make the first move, do not wait for her to ask for your phone number. You must take charge, be assertive and go for the gold. She'll respect you for it when you do. Remember, guys: You gotta swing to hit.

Women Who Break Dates Hey Doc Love, I have been your student for a little over a year now, and what I've learned from you has been invaluable -- especially the part about listening to your gut instead of thinking wishfully and irrationally.

Here's my problem: There's an attractive woman that lives in my apartment building and I have already spoken to her a few times. About a week ago, I stopped over at her apartment and directly and confidently asked her out for dinner -- in front of her roommate no less. She said "yes," but there was a pause before she accepted and her enthusiasm seemed lukewarm. Since I was listening to my gut, I expected her to eventually stop by and give me a run-of-themill excuse, but she didn't. Then, twenty minutes before we were supposed to go out, she came by my place. She said that she needed to stay home and study for a test that she "just found out about." I had to laugh. And of course, there was the trite, "I'm sorry." What I want to know is, what should a guy do when he is 95% sure that a woman is going to break the date, and is there any way I can have fun with these women -- maybe give 'em a dose of their own medicine? Travis -- who wants to know what to do

doc love's answer Hey Travis, Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The average guy who never studied "The System" wouldn't have noticed the significance of that telltale pause your neighbor took before she accepted the date. But you instantly knew that those two extra seconds she took spelled trouble. So you've asked a great question, Travis. You'd like to say something like, "You know what darlin'? You took too long to accept my offer, ba-bye." Yup, you'd like to say something like that to her, but you must not. Why not?

these kinds don't get it No matter how calmly and rationally you might try to explain the truth of a situation such as this to a woman, she will perceive you as weak and/or uptight. And if she'll be dishonest enough to make a date with you that she plans to break, then she'll continue to lead you astray when you try to have a logic-based dialogue with her. To you Psych majors: She can't say no to a guy's face. In my early days as a junior Love Doctor conducting field research, I would try to explain things to women who were accepting a date with me while giving me signals that they were going to break it later. I'd tell them that I could tell by their behavior that they weren't really interested and that they could feel free to be honest and open with me. And you know what they'd do? Most often they'd say, "Oh no, no, no, I want to go out with you, really." Then of

course something would always "come up" and they'd have to "reschedule." Sometimes they'd even keep the date because their egos couldn't handle the fact that I had busted them on their disingenuous behavior. Even though they knew I was right, they'd go out with me just to prove me wrong. So whatever you say, they just don't have the capacity to appreciate it and you'll just wind up getting more frustrated.

you did good, kid So what you should do, Travis, is exactly what you did . Accept the date and plan for it. Clean up your house, your car and yourself and be ready, all the while knowing that she will most likely break the date. Hopefully she won't break it at the last minute, but be prepared for that as well. And why am I telling you to get yourself all locked and loaded for a date that has no more probability of happening than Oprah's marriage to Steadman? Because, when your potential date bails on you, you'll no longer have any confusion about where you stand with her and you won't be tempted to ask her out ever again. So, in a sense, we want her to break the date because it gives us a fantastic reality check.

don't be left wondering If instead, you pass on the date with her or, you break the date before she does because you're convinced she's going to ultimately break it anyway, then later, especially if you really like her, the possibilities will be eating away at you. Taking this fork in the road only creates more uncertainty and confusion. But when you let it play out, then you know what's what. And when she does break the date, Travis, act like it's no big deal. Let her give you her excuses and politely move on. The idea is that you never want to let a stroker know that she got to you. That just feeds the beast. Remember, guys: "The System" brings out the best and the worst in women.

When "The One" Isn't Pretty Enough Dear Doc Love, A buddy of mine has been raving about your column. So I finally checked it out and I'm already hooked. I think you've got some genuine wisdom, which is something I really need right now because I've got a genuine problem. I've been dating Melissa for a little over three months. I've never felt more comfortable with a woman in my life. She's got almost all of the qualities I look for in a woman: She's cultured, smart, fun, loving, athletic, and accomplished in her career. We've got good chemistry and we're really affectionate.

she's not up to par But here's my problem: I can't stop wishing she was more beautiful. Melissa is definitely attractive, but I've dated strictly stunning women up until now. For better or worse, looks are really important to me. I get off on the feeling of walking into a room with a gorgeous woman on my arm. When I met Melissa, I liked her immediately. We clicked. But frankly, I thought that I'd soon be moving on to prettier pastures. Well, here I am three months later, getting seriously involved with the least attractive woman I have ever dated. Yet in so many other ways, she's the most attractive. I feel tormented by this. Most of my friends tell me to get off it, that Melissa's incredible and I should be grateful for what I have. But what if I'm settling? What if there's a woman out there with the whole package, one with Melissa's qualities but who's also a 9 or 10? Am I a superficial jerk to wish her nose was straight, her waist was thinner and her lips were fuller? I'm still young and good-looking enough to attract a super hot woman. Two amazing babes have come on to me since I've been dating Melissa, but I didn't take the bait because I didn't want to lose what I've got. So Doc, can you straighten me out? Blake -- who feels tormented

doc love's answer Blake, Week after week I hammer away at my readers, exhorting them to stop looking only at their own Interest Level [degree of love] in the woman that they are with and to start focusing on, and properly evaluating, the woman's Interest Level in them. In any romantic relationship, it's crucial for the man to be 100% clear about the status of his woman's Interest Level in him. So should he stay or should he go? But today, Blake, I'm going to ask you to focus specifically on your Interest Level. I want you to be as honest with yourself as possible. What rating would you assign to your level of romantic interest in Melissa? (I doubt that it's less than 50% or otherwise you wouldn't be with her. You seem to have so many other options.) Even though she doesn't measure up to your usual standard of beauty, you must be attracted to her. You've been with her for three months. And on top of that, you've been loyal to her. But what is your Interest Level? Is it 69%, 74%, 81%? Give it an exact number. Only you know for sure. If it's really only in the 60s and you know in your heart of hearts that it ain't going any higher, then you'd be a jerk to stay with Melissa and lead her on. You can't build a happy, long-term, committed relationship on 65% Interest Level.

are you insecure? On the other hand, maybe your Interest Level in Melissa is actually higher than you've been willing to admit to yourself. Perhaps you have a belief that you can only fall in love with a stunning babe and the fact that you've fallen for a 7.5 doesn't compute for you. So take a reality check. If your Interest Level in Melissa is somewhere in the 80s, then you're a winner in the lottery of love. Get over your ego and get on with the romance. In order to gain complete clarity on this entire issue, you have to thoroughly examine your fundamental personal values. To you Psych Majors, you have to search your soul. How much of your desire to have a supermodel on your arm is based on needing the respect and approval of other people to compensate for your own lack of self-esteem? Or, is this just the way you're built and you need to honor that?

win some, lose some If, after your journey of introspection, you're still confused and feel that the only way you'll be able to be at peace about this is to date super hot women, then do what you've got to do. Maybe there is a gal out there with Melissa's qualities who is also a 9 or a 10. Just remember that she has to like you as much as Melissa likes you. But realize that you can't have it both ways. In order to conduct more "research," you will have to forsake Melissa. How would that feel? Could you handle that loss? Will you wind up kicking yourself after you've burned through another dozen aspiring actresses and bimbo models? Maybe you're okay with taking that risk. But I think you've got a good thing going with Melissa. Remember, guys: Beauty fades, but attitude lasts forever.

Hypnotize Women Into Wanting You Dear Doc, I always thought that I knew a lot about women, but you've helped me understand and handle things in a much better way. For example, when I'm pining away for a woman who has low Interest Level in me, I listen to your CDs and gather the strength to do what is right. I believe the biggest mistake men make in the mating game is being unable to let go of the "wrong" ladies. And this brings me to my question: Is it ever possible to raise a woman's Interest Level from low to high? Various dating columnists and advisors suggest that it's possible by using sophisticated hypnotic seduction techniques. Moreover, I recently read a social studies book about the art of seduction that also suggests that it's possible. The author states that only apathy is not seducible, but with the proviso that

you initially pick the right "target" to seduce. What are your thoughts on this? And, if you do think it's possible to raise a near-dead Interest Level, what techniques would you employ? Georgio -- who is very curious

doc love's answer Hey Georgio, We all know what it's like. There you are, at a charity fundraiser cocktail party. Your friend has just introduced you to a woman that he's been telling you about -- one of the most attractive women in attendance. She's young, beautiful, sophisticated, and your friend has already informed you that she's also single and tends to go for guys just like you. As you stand there, looking into her eyes, trying to get an interesting conversation going, you think to yourself, Wow, this girl is way cool! She seems like she could be real long-term relationship material. Hmm. You start to get a rush of excitement as you fantasize about the possibilities with her. You figure that you've got a real good chance here.

is she yawning? But once a few minutes go by, you begin to notice that she doesn't really seem to be very interested in what you're sharing with her. Even though you're being your usual charming self, she's just not warming up to you. In fact, now she's not even looking at you while you're talking to her. You're ready to propose, yet she finds you about as interesting as a Congressional hearing on farm subsidies. The next thing you know, she says, "Nice meeting you," as she walks off. Ten minutes later, you see her laughing with and touching the arm of some other guy that she just met. But for him, it seems that she's suddenly grown a personality. Don't worry, there is a way to put her under your spell...

sexual hypnosis Now, wouldn't it be fantastic if there were a secret super-seduction-technique you could use in a situation like this; some hypnotic word pattern you could employ to enchant any woman and raise her Interest Level [degree of love] in you? If such a method existed, however devious, to control a woman's mind and make her like you, wouldn't you love to know what it was? And indeed, this is the very kind of thing that some dating coaches claim they can teach you in a matter of days or weeks. Methods for creating not only an instant rapport with a disinterested woman, but also techniques to make her have romantic feelings for you within minutes.

Can it be done? The simple answer is "yes." Using a clever combination of Ericksonian Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming techniques, it is possible to make a disinterested woman deeply interested in you, but the level of mastery required to successfully capture the heart of a woman who has less than 50% Interest Level in you is extraordinary.

it takes a genius If you had no background in this field and had to start from square one (which is the case for most guys), it would be about the same as being a non-musician and having to learn how to play the piano near the level of an orchestral virtuoso. The promise of being able to quickly teach a guy to have the mastery required to pull off this kind of maneuver is in itself very seductive. But when you take a scientific poll of the guys who have spent money on the tapes and manuals to learn these techniques, what you find is that only a tiny percentage of them have been able to stick with it and gain the level of skill required. As I mentioned before, the learning curve is steeper than a skyscraper. Also be aware that all these "win quick" coaches tell you that you have to pre-qualify your "target" and that their methods don't work with some women because those women just aren't intelligent enough -- that's their "out" clause. What they're really saying is that she has to have an Interest Level of at least 65% in order for you to get a significant positive response right away.

there's no magic to it The good thing about these techniques is that they place tremendous importance on making your love interest feel happy, positive feelings, and getting her to associate those feelings with being with you. They encourage you to make her laugh if you can, and make her feel supercomfortable. They also teach you the importance of emanating an aura of confidence. Of course, all of that is totally in alignment with what "The System" teaches. But there's also a downside to these seduction techniques. Even if you are able to raise a woman's Interest Level from the dead, however sincere you are, there's a tremendous amount of manipulation involved. If you can live with that, fine. But I'd rather have the woman choose me first. Why? Because it feels much better and it's a whole hell of a lot less work. As my acupuncturist, Dr. Lao, would say, "Better to let kitty cat come to you, Grasshopper, than chase her around yard with bowl of milk." Remember, guys: Men do the picking, but women do the choosing.

Are You Too Much Of A Challenge? Dear Doc, I've been reading your column for a while, and it strikes me that a lot of the men that write in for advice seem really needy, like they're beggars in a world ruled by women. And while I like your "be a Challenge" coaching, I'm here to tell you that that's not always such a great thing. If it was, I'd be a lot happier. I'm naturally aloof and women seem to eat it up. I've always had more than enough women expressing high interest in me. But anytime I date any woman for over three months, she tells me that I'm "emotionally unavailable." My latest girlfriend has begun to whine about how I don't spend enough time with her, and we've only been dating two months. So my problem is that women always want more from me than I want to give. I haven't really had any long-term relationships because I always seem to attract these insatiable types. But the more they press for a commitment, the more I want out. I'd give anything to find a woman who is a little less interested and will give me some space. How do I find a woman like that , Doc? Paul -- who is overly pursued

doc love's answer Dear Paul, Have you ever thought about writing a book on how to be a Challenge? If you do, I'll buy one. I think you could teach us all a thing or two. You're such a Challenge that even Julia Roberts would stay faithful to you (but you'd probably want your space from her too after a couple of months). So, let's see if we can shed some light on your problem. We'll begin by looking at the degree of responsibility of the women in your life for your frustrating situation. Understand that a woman who knows how to properly manage a relationship will not complain to her man that he's emotionally unavailable. Why? Because doing that only serves to make him withdraw from her, as you have experienced firsthand, Paul. To you Psych majors, it's a big turnoff. If women don't keep things light, then of course you'll want to leave...

she's too clingy Women also need to understand the importance of keeping things light and positive. A woman of wisdom knows that what inspires a man to open his heart is her own self-assured

sweetness and generosity of spirit. Men respond emotionally to women who are loving and giving and who build a man's ego up . The smart woman knows that telling a guy that he's a failure at love doesn't help her cause. That's right. Gals who've got it together don't press for commitment as the women who keep hooking up with Paul do. Instead, they learn to simply enhance a man's life so wonderfully that he naturally wants to stay with them forever. And Paul, your current girlfriend should not be whining about how you and she don't spend enough time together. Whining and nagging are one and the same; and nagging, besides being the most under-reported crime in America, is a sure-fire way to make a guy want to head for the hills.

is it your mom's fault? On the other hand, Paul, you need to look at your own personal reality here. Why do you seem to attract only those women in whom you eventually lose interest? Are you emotionally unavailable? There are several possible explanations for such a problem. You could have an unconscious bond with your mother from childhood dictating that you'd be betraying her were you to give your heart to another woman. You might have a belief that no woman can measure up to the standard of femininity that your mother has set for you. There are more possibilities you could consider to better understand your situation. Did you get your heart broken long ago and then swear to yourself that you'd never let any woman get close to you again? Or perhaps you were somehow abandoned as a kid, and the way that you protect yourself emotionally is by remaining a drifter/loner and never bonding with anyone. I'm no psychotherapist, but if you want to get out of your dysfunctional pattern, and seriously want to determine why you're not able to create a happy, long-term, committed relationship with a woman, then this is the type of self-inquiry that you need to do. Until you get clear about the root cause of your solitary-drifter way of life and commit to working through it, you'll keep on drifting without having long-term love in your life. Remember, guys: In order to be successful with women, you need to understand yourself.

What If She's Too Busy For You? Hi Doc, The woman I'm dating shows high interest in me whenever we're together (i.e. lots of affection, compliments, laughing at my dumb jokes, etc.). Of course, we only see each other once or twice a week -- usually on weekends.

She is a busy, successful realtor and does not respond quickly, if at all, to the occasional phone call during the week. Since we have agreed to see each other exclusively, I don't suspect she is cheating on me. Here's my question: Am I wasting my time when she is so wrapped up in work that by the time she gets home during the week she is so dead tired that she doesn't want to call anyone, even me? My gut says dump her or at least tell her I will keep dating her and other women simultaneously with the intent on finding someone who is not so wrapped up in work. Is it unreasonable to expect a couple of phone calls during the week? Creon -- who needs more attention

doc love's answer Hey Creon, You're laboring under a belief that this situation is not serving you well. You're a lucky guy and you don't even know it. Countless men who are in serious relationships with women, are guilt-tripped and p*ssy-whipped into feeling that they must continually "check in." These guys can't go for more than a few hours without having to call their wives or girlfriends and give them reports on their activities. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "Their women turn into their prison wardens." And if one of these fellows is living with his gal and he wants to leave the house, he's expected to inform her as to where he's going, for how long and when he'll be back. (And if he's married, forget it!) Should Creon just accept this independent woman?

take off those pants Sure, this kind of "prison warden" setup is emasculating. Yes, it's disempowering. But it's the norm for all too many men and it's their own fault. Learning to handle a controlling, demanding woman is good training, but it's also a lot of work. A low-maintenance relationship is always more fun and it looks like that's what you've got here, Creon. So I suggest that you chill out and enjoy the space and freedom that you have. You've got the best of both worlds, a woman who digs you a whole lot and plenty of time during the week to do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want.

Yes, perhaps your real estate wranglin' gal does have some workaholic tendencies. Well, we've all got a few character flaws. Again, I recommend that you look on the bright side and try to appreciate the cool deal you've got goin' on here. Your woman's not some aspiring actress with constant car trouble who barely makes her rent each month. No, she's a go-getter, a high achiever with a good income. I can tell that this kitty cat isn't likely to ever expect you to be the sole provider, and that's a groovy thing.

are you the needy type? There's no point in pressuring your girlfriend into giving you more attention during the week. She's not going to change and if you did pressure her, then she would start to perceive you as needy and insecure. That would, of course, lower her Interest Level [degree of love], and there's no good reason to do that. Let's keep her Interest Level in you up there at a high elevation by staying cool. Another smart move on your part would be to stop calling her during the week and leaving messages. By ceasing to do that, you'll get double benefits. Not only will you end your frustration but you'll also become more of a Challenge [allowing the woman to chase you], which will raise her Interest Level even more. Remember, guys; when you expose your insecurities to your girlfriend, you lower her Interest Level.

Should You Share Everything With Her? Dear Doc, I'm in a relationship with a great woman, Karen, and we've been together for four months. We're totally in love with each other and she is completely devoted to making me happy. Here's the thing: I'm a musician and every year or so I go out on tour, usually to Europe, for about four months. And when I first met Karen, I was already involved with Isabella, a beauty I met on tour in Italy. When I returned to L.A., Isabella and I were sending romantic e-mail back and forth and she was planning to visit me here. But a few weeks after I returned, I met Karen and after about six weeks, it became obvious that Karen was "The One." However, I didn't tell Isabella about Karen until about a week ago -- needless to say, she was heartbroken. But the real problem is that while I was in my "coming clean" mode, I also told Karen about Isabella. I thought she would appreciate my honesty, but man, was I wrong. She completely freaked out and began interrogating me. She asked if I was in love with

Isabella, then she asked if I ever told Isabella that I loved her, and I confessed that I did. The point is that the more I tried to explain things, the more upset she became. Now she says she doesn't want to talk to me for "awhile." So Doc, please help me out here. What should I do? Jefferson -- who wishes he had kept his lips zipped

doc love's answer Hey Jefferson, There's a person who will happily listen to all your pain and problems without judging you or penalizing you for whatever you've said or done -- that person is called a therapist or a priest. When you decide to make your girlfriend your Mother Confessor, then you'll often find, exactly as you have Jefferson, that there's hell to pay for it. The American male has been brainwashed into thinking that being open and sharing all his painful mistakes, confusing problems and previous embarrassing behavior is a way to create greater intimacy with his partner and raise her romantic Interest Level [degree of love]. But The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] tells us that the opposite is true. And when you argue with reality, you always lose. Here's the only way that Jefferson might get her back...

the truth doesn't work You thought that your girlfriend was going to give you points for your honesty, Jefferson, but instead she threw up a big red penalty flag. What were you expecting her to say when you confessed that you had been maintaining clandestine communications with a woman who was in love with you, and hoping and waiting to reunite with you? Did you think that your girlfriend would be overjoyed? Perhaps you expected her to tell you something like, "Gee honey, that's so wonderful that you shared that with me. I feel closer to you than ever!" You've got to think things through before you reveal something that has the potential to do the kind of damage that's been done here, Jefferson. Even simply considering sharing such volatile information is risky business. To you Psych majors, it's worse than playing catch with nitroglycerin. All right, so how are we going to clean up this situation? Most relationship experts would tell you to be obsequious and send your girlfriend a dozen roses along with a letter begging for her forgiveness. But as my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say: "The only time to beg is when she's got a gun to your head."

never beg So of course, Jefferson, I'm not going to recommend that you get on your knees like a dog who wants his bone back. What you're going to have to do is take the non-proactive approach and withdraw . You're going to have to live in limbo for a while. Don't call your girlfriend or go to her house. Why not? Because when she's ready to see you, she'll call you . Don't try to rush her. She'll let you know when she has processed her upset feelings and is ready to be with you. Any action you might take at this point would be futile. But you can control yourself. So lay back for now. And realize that when you control yourself and withdraw, you come across as strong and not needy, which will serve to enhance your girlfriend's respect for you in the long run. If you're lucky, your girlfriend won't decide that what you did has broken the trust bond between the two of you and she will want to be with you. But the ball is way, way deep in her court at this point. Hopefully she'll call you soon and will have gotten past all the upset. Then when you guys get back together, you've got to suck it up and walk on eggs for a while (I almost never tell guys to do this, but in this special situation, it's what's required). Don't disagree with anything she says. If she says that 2 plus 2 equals 5, just say "Yes, Dear." Let her be right about everything for a while. That's what she'll need to feel secure with you again. Remember, guys: Unless it's going to raise Interest Level, don't talk about it.

Why Do Players Get The Women? Dear Doc, I want to comment on your past article "When 'The One' Isn't Pretty Enough." Your advice to Blake about being a gentleman and not a player is right on target. The quote, "Beauty fades, but attitude lasts forever" is really original and respectful to women. Which leads me to my dating problem. Is it too late to use "The System" after I already blew it by telling my friend that I like her? Boris -- who wants more info

doc love's answer Dear Boris,

It's admirable that being respectful to women is a high priority for you. But there is also a tone in your correspondence that makes me suspect that you may be suffering from a case of NiceGuy-itis . Why am I suspicious? Because, in your very first sentence you placed such importance on disassociating yourself from those men that you label "players." What you must realize is that those "players," however lacking in integrity they may be, have a lot of women chasing after them. So even though I wouldn't recommend that you model your overall behavior after them, they do have certain charismatic qualities that you can emulate to enhance your success with women. As my bible totin' cousin Brother Love would say: "Son, you must separate the wheat from the chaff."

don't be a sucker You need to understand, Boris, that being somewhat unpredictable and unavailable is not disrespectful to women. On the contrary, women find this behavior alluring, mysterious and exciting. And since when is giving women what they want and meeting their emotional needs disrespectful? Knowing that you are on the sensitive side of the spectrum of the male populace, I'm concerned that you may attempt to verify or invalidate what I've just told you by soliciting the opinions of various females that you know. But I feel that I would be remiss not to give you this admonition: Don't freakin' do it! You'll only become more confused if you do. One of the most powerful axioms of "The System" is that you cannot determine what women want by asking them directly. If you do, they will only mislead you. They will talk your ear off about what qualities they desire in a man, but they are essentially incapable of clearly communicating what male traits they actually deeply respond to emotionally. Believe me, I've tried...

go ahead, ask her If you don't believe me, all you have to do is pick any three women and interview them. You will quickly notice the contrast between the character traits they say they value most in a mate and the actual character traits of the various men that they have stayed with for any length of time throughout their lives. To you Psych majors, they don't know what the hell they want. Initially, they'll always recite the usual cliché things like sensitivity and a good sense of humor as qualities they value most. Maybe they'll be honest enough to mention that primal, primitive physical attraction is a prerequisite. Those who have mercenary tendencies may even tell you that they want to be with a guy who is "ambitious" (which is Womanese for wealthy). But a clinically sane woman who isn't a mercenary will always respond first and foremost to the qualities in a man known as "The Three C's."

What are these three essential C's? No, they're not Cash, Corvettes and Chanel. What women really want, what they long for whether they know it or not, are the three most powerful attributes a man can posses: 1- Confidence 2- (Self) Control 3- Challenge

psst, come closer I share all of this with you, Boris, to help you find your center. Somewhere between the extremes of the self-absorbed Macho Jerk and the wimpy Teddy Bear Guy, is the Real Man who has a healthy respect for women and lives and breathes The Three C's. Now, to answer your question, Boris. If your female "friend" had a level of romantic interest in you of 90% or higher, then your anti-Challenge behavior of telling her that you "like" her will have done little or nothing to lower her Interest Level. But if she began with an Interest Level of 89% or lower, I can guarantee it's lower than that now. And the lower it was to begin with, the greater the number of percentage points it will have dropped since the execution of your big boo-boo. But that doesn't mean that it's too late to start using "The System." Even if this gal's level of romantic interest in you has sunk below the critical 50% threshold or was never higher than that to begin with, "The System" will ensure your success with the next one that comes along. Remember, guys: Players aren't all bad.

Dating Challenges For Divorced Men Dear Doc, First, I want to thank you. Before using "The System" I was one of those SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys) that women claim they want but actually don't. Using your stuff, I discovered how I was sabotaging myself. Anyway, my reason for writing is because there is a population of men out there that I want you to help: The divorcés. Let me explain: I used to be a member of a singles group that would fix up equal numbers of men and women for dinners, recreation, etc. At these events, I noticed that many men were divorced and struggled with successful dating.

They would constantly say things that would instantly reduce a woman's interest (e.g. they would talk about their failed marriages or spill their guts about their insecurities and faults). It seems that divorced men treat a potential date as if they're already married to her. I tried to help some of them see the error of their ways, but most of them would retort with, "If she really likes me, we won't have to go through all this dating stuff," or, "I don't play games, I just ask women straight out if they like me or not." It was a sad sight indeed. So Doc, please help these divorced men get a clue. Lester -- who wants to help his fellow man

doc love's answer Hi Lester, A sage once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing you've always done and expecting different results." Well I don't think I could come up with a better description of the behavior of most divorced guys who find themselves back in the dating scene. Divorced men, in general, tend to have no awareness of the mistakes they made that contributed to the failure of their marriage (or marriages). Another classic philosophical quote applies here: "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." After having their hearts torn out, you'd think that they would at least take a serious look at how they might have blown it and thereby change their self-defeating behavior. But sadly, most don't, and they pay a heavy price for their lack of due diligence. Remember that most of the time, women initiate the divorce proceedings. And for men to be utterly stunned and go into a state of shock when their wives break the unsavory news to them is not at all uncommon. Why did their marriages fail, and why can't they find new women?

they want their mommies Unfortunately, these same guys begin seeing themselves as the victims who have been mysteriously and unfairly dumped. What he fails to ask himself is, "Is it possible that she dropped me for logical and legitimate reasons?" and, "What are the errors I made that I should make certain not to repeat, so that my next relationship remains positive and goes the distance?" The Reality Factor says that men who feel ambushed by divorce are having that experience

because they did things to lower their partners' Interest Levels over time. (For an exhaustive list, refer to "The System.") One of the major inappropriate things guys do in their marriages is they start treating their wives and relate to them as if they were their mothers. They get too comfortable and complacent. They think that they can be as soft, vulnerable, open, weak, and whiney as they've been able to be with their own moms, without being judged or penalized in any way. But the love of a wife for her husband is different from the love of a mother for her child. A woman may be the mother of her husband's children, but she just doesn't have the same quality of unconditional love for her husband that she has for her children. To you Psych majors, her kids can get away with stuff that her husband can't. So then, here's a guy who's blown it, made his wife his mama, gotten the ax, and then is thrust back into the dating scene without a clue. What chance for success does he have? It would be tough to find any bookmaker who'd give you decent odds on that one. And to add to this poor sap's problems, he's also resentful, spoiled and stubborn. "Why should I change anything about myself? It's the women who need to understand me better and treat me better," he says.

it's time to grow up When you quiz one of these guys on why he refuses to lay back, play it cool and not be so open, eager and available, he'll come up with the kind of explanations you mentioned, Lester. Just realize that when they say, "I don't want to play games," that's code for: "I'm lazy, undisciplined, unwilling to take responsibility, and terrified to risk trying something different." So I know it's sad and frustrating when you run into one of these lost souls. You'd like to grab the fellow by the collar and shake some sense into him. My Uncle Jethro Love would take him and whup 'em upside the head and tell him, "Listen boy, I don't care if a gal's from Montana or Mongolia, she wants a man who's as cocky and confident as the rooster who rules the roost." All you can do, Lester, is offer these deluded, divorced dudes an opportunity to hear the truth. The good news is that every once in awhile, you'll find one whose eyes light up when you start telling him about "The System." And when you see that light in his eyes, then you know you've met a man who's ready to change. Remember guys; in life, you only get one mama.

How To Overcome Your Shyness

Dear Doc, There is a woman at my college whom I like very much. Every time I see her, my heart starts pounding and my mouth drops. It may sound premature, but I think she is "The One." She is very attractive, no doubt, but it's not her looks that I'm so attracted to. There's just something about her I can't explain -- she has this glowing radiance. I see her about twice a week. I don't know if she likes me or even if she has a boyfriend. I catch her glancing at me every now and again, and I think I saw her ask her mates about me once. The problem is that I'm quite shy and don't know what to say to her. But I feel I have to do something. Can you help me? Ricardo -- who needs guidance

doc love's answer Hi Ricardo, Can I help you? Piece of cake! Although you feel stuck and stymied right now, all you need is a prescription from the Doc and your dating dilemma will soon be history. I think every man can relate to your story, Ricardo. Most every guy has, at one time, encountered an angelic female and instantly been struck with a sense of magic, grace and a certainty that God created her for him alone. The feeling is quite intoxicating and often overwhelming -- a potent mixture of awe and intense longing. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "A pretty filly can make a bear of a man feel as meek as a baby kitten." Upon encountering such a goddess, the trick is to check her Interest Level before you spend a lot of time fantasizing about her. In other words, you must determine her level of romantic interest in you. We already know that, even though you don't really know her, your Interest Level is higher than Keith Richards' weekly Jack Daniel's bill, but now we need to know if you've actually got a shot with her. But before I give you a plan of action, Ricardo, I need to bust you on something. You're trying to convince me and yourself that this gal's looks have nothing to do with your stratospheric level of interest. Get off it and get real. You can pitch me all day and night about how you're "Mr. Above All That," but the truth is that you're built just like the rest of us. Whenever we see a knockout babe, we start to salivate. It's just a law of nature. If she looked like roadkill, you wouldn't have noticed her "inner glow"...

she's hot, face it

I guarantee that if this "woman of your dreams" were as heavy as a house and as homely as a ham sandwich, you would not be waxing poetic about what a wonderful "inner glow" she has. You wouldn't even care or notice. Now, it's perfectly fine to be powerfully attracted to a woman you've never met. Just understand that without ever having met her, her looks are the primary thing that's motivating you. And once you face that, you'll be well on your way to greater confidence and self-mastery. Keep in mind that, as of yet, you have no clue about what her personality is like. She could be as sweet as Mother Teresa or the Mother of all bitches. In order to qualify her in the personality department, you need to meet her and spend some time with her. I understand that you're shy, and there's no shame in that. Most men with super-high Interest Level in a beauty whom they've never met feel shy and rather flustered. Why? Because, as "The System" reveals; when a woman who could pass for Rosie O'Donnell's twin sister rejects you, it doesn't hurt the way it hurts when a Victoria's Secret model rejects you.

it's time to play it cool So, first of all, cool your jets and relax. You may not even like this girl once you get to know her, and knowing that automatically takes some of the pressure off. When you see her again, simply approach her and say "Hi," introduce yourself and ask her something about her studies. Keep it simple and sincere. If she has some interest in you, then she'll try to make you feel comfortable and help keep the conversational ball rolling. But whether she tells you "I love you," or "I became a lesbian because I despise all men," I want you to do the most powerful thing possible at that point. I want you to ask for her home phone number. The 3 to 10 seconds that pass while you wait for her answer will feel like a lifetime, but you must not say a word while you wait. If she's available and finds you interesting, then she'll give you the number, and then you're in the game, Ricardo. If you don't get her number, at least you know where you stand. What counts is that you took the chance. Remember guys; losers are losers because they don't know how to -- or won't -- close.

Can Guys Be Too Much Of A Challenge? Dear Doc, I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and up until recently, we were arguing a lot. The arguments stemmed from my irrational jealousy whenever I'd see her talking to other men.

Needless to say, my jealousy was really frustrating her and our arguments got so intense at times, that our relationship almost collapsed. She wanted me to change the way I was acting -so I did. A friend of mine (who is a firm believer in "The System") gave me some advice he thought would help. He let me know that revealing my jealousy, as well as telling her I love her a few times a day -- every day (which I did) -- would ultimately lower her Interest Level. So I've changed my ways. Thing is that, although she's into me like never before, now she's complaining that I don't love her the way I used to. What I need to know is, despite cutting down on the "I love yous" and not acting jealous, why am I still having problems with her? I thought I was doing the right thing, but it hasn't made much of a positive difference in our relationship. Is it possible that I'm being too much of a Challenge now? Russell -- who just can't win

doc love's answer Hey Russell, It's great that you've stopped overreacting whenever your girlfriend chats with another guy. As you've come to understand, there's no positive or productive purpose in getting uptight in that kind of situation. Doing so only makes you look weak and insecure in your partner's eyes. Plus, it's just plain obnoxious. So I commend you on making a big change for the better. It takes real commitment to drop a self-destructive habit so quickly. By simply changing your own reactive behavior, Russell, you were able to end the arguments that you and your girlfriend were having. Your woman has issues...

she's not a giver But on the other side of the coin, we need to look at your girlfriend's contribution to the problem. Women instinctively know that their partners don't like it when they flirt with other men. Why was she doing it to begin with and rubbing it in your face to boot? When you made it clear that you didn't like her behavior, your girlfriend could have and should have said, "Sweetheart, since it makes you so uncomfortable when I get palsy-walsy with another guy while you're there, out of respect for your feelings, I'm not going to do that anymore. I want you to feel happy and relaxed when we're out socializing. You're more

important to me than any other guy." That's what a woman with a flexible, giving attitude would have said.

no more "I love yous" But flipping back to the opposite side of the coin again, Russell, you also exacerbated the problem with the excessive "I love yous." It's not a good policy to keep telling a woman who constantly argues with you that you love her. Your message to her was, "Argue with me, and you'll get three 'I love yous' a day." Unconsciously, what you were doing was sanctioning her behavior; rewarding her for arguing with you. All right. So why don't these changes have more of a fundamentally positive impact on your relationship? The problem, Russell, lies with your girlfriend. If she's all over you like cheese on pizza and you feel as if she's doing the chasing, that's an indication of high Interest Level. But her attitude sucks. Remember; the woman is the real manager of the relationship, and it sounds as if your girlfriend needs to learn some management skills.

she has issues Let's be totally objective here: What's her modus operandi? She's either arguing or complaining. How does that help to make you feel romantic toward her? Obviously it doesn't. Your gal is as "high maintenance" as an '86 Jaguar. She's not a flexible giver, otherwise she wouldn't keep creating conflict. Your girlfriend obviously has some issues to work on because, in her eyes, no matter what you do, it's not right. So, Russell, you're not being too much of a Challenge. It sounds as if you're doing just fine. Your girlfriend is freaking out because she's fighting her own high Interest Level in you. She needs to surrender. She needs to drop the nagging and become more attuned to her inner feminine grace. But that's something she has to grow into at her own pace. You can't control that. In the meantime, keep studying "The System" and become more confident and centered. Remember guys; to have a happy relationship, your woman has to have a good attitude as well as high interest.

Are Group Dates A Good Idea? Hi Doc, I hit it off and exchanged phone numbers with a woman I met in my art class named Susan. Two days later, she called me up and asked if I wanted to join her and her friends for beer and pizza that night. Even though it was short notice, I accepted.

When I arrived at the restaurant, she hugged me and introduced me to all her friends (there were six of them -- three men, three women). We all got along and had a great time. And when it came time to call it a night, Susan hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. A few days passed and she left a message asking if I'd like to join her and her friends for a volleyball game at the beach this weekend. So Doc, I'm thinking that this woman must have high interest in me because she's making all the moves. But because it's the second time she's inviting me out with her friends, I'm getting the impression that she only wants to be friends. Do you think I should reject her volleyball offer and ask her out on a date to test her Interest Level, or would it be rude to refuse her invitation? Lionel -- who's just not sure

doc love's answer Hi Lionel, There were two significant mistakes you made when you accepted that first date with Susan. First, you accepted a date on short notice. I know that it's flattering when a woman you like asks you out, but one of the bedrock principles of "The System" is self-control. You should have told her that you already had a prior commitment, even though you didn't. Why? Because when you accept a date on short notice, it diminishes your mystery quotient in her eyes. It makes you appear too available and eager, and so her romantic Interest Level in you is impacted negatively. To you Psych majors: You gotta learn to play hard to get. Guys, when a woman you've just met calls and asks you out on short notice, she isn't even aware of the fact that she'd actually like you more if you didn't accept the date. She's unconscious of the fact that, in reality, she's setting up a little test to see how much of a Challenge you are. Granted, usually, when a woman calls a guy after having just met him, she has to have a pretty darn high Interest Level to begin with. Some might say your actions wouldn't impact her interest, but they do... So the argument could be made: So what if her Interest Level lowers by a point or two when it's probably very high to begin with? Well, probably is the operative word here. In the beginning, all dates are too new to rate. We don't know where we stand until we cross that "60 days" goal line. So it's always best to keep the odds in your favor as much as possible. You see, Lionel, women turn guys down all day long, day in and day out, but a guy turning a woman down? How often does that happen? But when it does happen, it has a powerful

impact. If she has high Interest Level in the guy to begin with, it's always higher after he (temporarily) rejects her.

mistake number two The second mistake you made, Lionel, is that you went out on your first date with this girl with her posse. Doing that disempowers you in more ways than one. It's unfamiliar territory with too many unknowns. You're at a disadvantage. Plus, you don't know who in the group might have an agenda that's in opposition to you making a love connection with your date. And on top of all that, you don't even know if it's really a date. It's all very confusing and problematic.

you did something right You did one thing right, Lionel: You let her come at you with the hug and the kiss on the cheek. But remember; a kiss on the cheek is very ambiguous. A kiss on the cheek can mean anything from "We're gonna be buddies and nothing more" to... "I'm hoping you'll jump my bones and here's a hint." After she kissed you on the cheek, Lionel, you should have pulled her back in to your arms and given her a real kiss right on her lovely lips. If you had done that, then you wouldn't have to wonder whether or not she only wants to be friends. My recommendation to you, Lionel, is to take a pass on the group volleyball. Politely thank her for the invitation and tell her that you're busy. That wouldn't be rude. It's only rude if you make the date and then break it -- like thousands of women do to men every day. After that, wait a couple of days, then call her back and ask her out on a date. If she insists on only going out with you in a group situation, then throw her phone number away (unless you're hard up for friends). Hopefully, she'll accept the more intimate date with you and then you can move forward from there. Remember guys; never let her think that you're too available.

Be Nice, Even If She's Not Single Dear Doc, During the break of a conference I recently attended, a man approached me and struck up a conversation. His manner was warm and friendly and we chatted for several minutes about our personal and professional lives. But then, suddenly, his demeanor changed drastically.

The warmth turned to ice as he started looking around and backing away from me. He mumbled "Nice talking with you," and walked off. I felt shocked and hurt. Obviously, since I didn't know him from Adam, the hurt soon passed. But I was really curious as to what caused him to shift from engaging interest to chilly withdrawal in a nanosecond. It later dawned on me that I had mentioned something about "my boyfriend" right before he ejected from our conversation. Mystery solved. So Doc, can you shed a little light on this particular form of male rudeness? And while you're at it, can you send a message to the guys out there on the prowl, that the women they're scanning for availability are fellow human beings. Thanks, Grace -- who believes in common courtesy

doc love's answer Hi Grace, You've given us a very interesting real-life snapshot of social interaction between the sexes, and I agree with you. If this guy had any class, he would have spent two more minutes chatting with you after you mentioned the "B" word, and then he would have said, "Nice meeting you," with enthusiasm and a smile. Only two minutes and a little extra effort, but what a difference it would have made in your perception of him. And if he had been smart , he would have asked you if you had any single girl friends that you could have introduced him to. But instead, he took the low road, spread some bad vibes and sabotaged any opportunities he might have had to be introduced to other available women who might have been there with you. Never burn bridges; you never know how hot her friends are...

positivity reaps women Guys, when you're talking with a woman you're interested in and she makes it as plain as the absence of a nose on Michael Jackson's face that she's unavailable, you should always remain polite and positive. Whether she conveys the unfortunate news blatantly or subtly, do not flinch. For all you know, her drop-dead gorgeous and unattached sister could show up in the next three minutes and you'll have an instant introduction. When you're on the prowl, why do anything to diminish your possibilities for romance? The guy in Grace's example shot himself in the foot and came off as a classless creep. His behavior reminds me of telemarketers who are charming, friendly, sweet, and seductive

until you inform them that you're not interested in their product. Then they turn on you like a cranky pitbull. That kind of behavior is truly obnoxious and destructive.

others have led him on But wait a second there, Grace; let's look at the whole picture. In this guy's defense, many, many women who are in committed relationships are inappropriately friendly and flirty with other men. Some women lead guys on all the time. They give out their phone numbers when they're unavailable. They go out on dates when they're unavailable. Some even make out with other guys when they're unavailable. Maybe this guy you met had been led on and then shot down one too many times in the last month or so, and he just cracked when you laid another disappointment on him. He incorrectly perceived your ten minutes of friendliness as a setup so you could crush him, probably because he had been experiencing a lot of rejection lately. Women do need to have some compassion for the burden that men carry in the mating dance. Our egos are tender because we're the ones who constantly have to risk rejection. Remember guys, when you get turned down, show some class.

Should You Ever Call A Woman Right Away? Dear Doc, I met Cindy at a party last week and we hit it off right away. She kept putting her hand on my shoulder when she spoke and I easily got her home phone number. She also asked for my phone number, so I gave it to her. It was totally obvious that she had very high interest in me and my Interest Level in her was quite high as well. I didn't call her the next day. I planned to wait a week, as "The System" suggests. Lo and behold, when I came home the night after I met her, there was a message on my answering service from her, asking if I'd like to go out for dinner. And like many guys, I've never been in this kind of situation before. So now what do I do? Should I stick to the plan and wait until a week has gone by, or should I return her call right away? I feel like calling her now but I'm committed to doing the right thing according to your principles, Doc. Dale -- who needs an answer right away

doc love's answer Dear Dale, Congratulations, you've got a live one there! This woman is giving you more buying signals than a shopaholic with a new gold card. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "When they dig you, they let you know it." And I commend you, Dale, on your dedication to doing whatever it takes to change your love life for the better. You're a great role model for all students of "The System." So let's get you straightened out here. Yes, in almost all circumstances, when we first get a woman's phone number, we do wait a week before calling. But this situation is unusual, Dale, and you can't behave like a robot who follows only one programming command. Part of becoming a "Three Percenter" (one of the 3% of men who have true mastery with women) involves learning when to improvise and bend the rules. In this case, we're going to take a left turn.

pick up the phone What you should do is wait only one more day and then call Cindy back and confirm a date with her. Why am I saying that it's okay to do that? The big thing here is that she's coming at you . She has taken a risk and allowed herself to be vulnerable, so it's appropriate to meet her halfway. We don't want you to be like one of those "Rules Girls" who refuse to return a man's call because they want him to grovel before they'll go out with him. It's good policy to always be courteous. But don't worry. You're still going to be a Challenge, Dale, because when you call Cindy, you're not going to spend a half-hour chatting with her, diminishing your mystery quotient. Most guys would do that, but you're going to be different.

build up a mystery Instead, you'll say "Hello, how ya doin'?" and then go for the jugular and make a date with her -- badda bing, badda boom. When you do that, you're being direct and decisive, and women love that. So go ahead, Dale, dial those digits. Remember guys, you gotta know when to follow the rules, and when to bend them.

Why Do Women Constantly Test Men?

Dear Doc Love, There's something that has always puzzled me about the opposite sex: Why do women who are happy and deeply in love with their partners stir things up and start arguments for no rational reason? I think you know what I'm talking about. It's that thing they do where everything is hunky dorey and suddenly, out of left field, they come up with some confrontational conversation that starts off with words like; "Honey, why don't you ever...?" or "You always..." or "Why can't you...?" Is there something built into the female psyche that compels women to push, test and challenge their men? Why do women unnecessarily and irrationally create conflict, even when they're in happy, otherwise successful relationships? I'm very interested in hearing any thoughts you have on this topic, Doc. Bennet -- who wants a deeper understanding

doc love's answer Hi Bennet, Men and women are different. A man, by nature, tends to look for comfort and consistency in his relationship. A woman, on the other hand, tends to turn her primary relationship into a "PerpetualImprovement Project." So, if there's nothing to work on or process, she's compelled to create something in order to continue work on her Project. As my uncle Jethro Love would say, "They've always gotta mess with things when things don't need fixin'." You've probably heard the old familiar saying: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. The interesting thing about familiar sayings is that a lot of them are based on real wisdom. In relationships, a man avoids change while a woman thrives on it -- if things seem a bit placid and static, it's time for her to stir things up!

they have to do it In essence, yes Bennet, I think that women do have an innate need to test and push their men. Why, exactly, must they do it? Ask 50 shrinks and you'll get 50 different answers. But I say that one of the main reasons they push is to see if there's anything there to push up against. They need to know that you have a backbone, that you'll set limits, that you'll stand up for yourself. It makes them feel safe when you won't take any crap. It somehow provides them with reassurance that you are strong enough and confident enough to fight back when you're provoked and that you're capable of protecting them from danger.

Trying to check a man's protective capabilities by starting arguments is not totally logical, but it is bio -logical. It's a drive that goes back to the days when the womenfolk huddled in the cave while the men fought off a pack of ravenous saber-toothed tigers. A woman's actual physical survival was dependent on having a strong, brave male at her side who could hunt and kill dangerous animals, and protect her from hostile tribes. That survivalbased drive for a provider/protector still motivates the modern female.

it'll always be this way So, even if a woman has super high Interest Level in you and she is also a sweet, loving and giving person, it's not uncommon for her to continually 'test your mettle' somehow. She'll always feel the need to dig and question, pry and push in subtle or overt ways. Why? Because she's a female. Remember guys; the man who passes the test is the man who won't be tested.

Are You Addicted To Rejection? Hey Doc, Last year I met a beautiful woman at my college campus and upon the initial meeting, I thought she liked me because of the way she was behaving. Everything was great... until I asked her to be my girlfriend. She explained that, although she thought I was a great guy, she wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I ran into her two days later and invited her to my uncle's house for dinner, but she declined the offer, saying that she didn't want to give me the impression that she wanted to be more than friends. Before she left, I asked for a hug and, again, she declined my request. It was pretty clear: She did not want to date me. Although I did everything I could to forget her, for some reason, I had a strong intuition that she felt something for me. So I called her up and confessed that I missed her. Again, she explained that we were nothing more than friends. It hurt to hear it, but I decided to accept it. To help my self-esteem, which was somewhat shattered, I upgraded my look and purchased a whole new wardrobe. I finally stopped focusing on her and started focusing on myself instead.

she saw me looking good Then, last week, while I was working at the circulation desk of my college library, she came in, talked to me and then, to my surprise, asked me out for dinner that same night. At dinner, I was so confused by what was happening that I could barely eat. At the end of the night, I tried to kiss her but she turned her head.

A couple of days later, I saw her on campus and she asked me if I would take her out again -and if I would buy her a new pair of rather expensive shoes. My concern is this: Is this woman only interested in my wallet? I'm very confused because I don't want to spend my money on a woman who is playing me. The big problem is that I still love her -- and she knows it. Is she trying to take advantage of that? What should I do? Jules -- who needs help Bet you're thinking what Doc is thinking...

doc love's answer Hi Jules, Well, son, I have to say that you bring new meaning to the term "thickheaded." You're more dense than a Christmas fruitcake. How many times do you need to get shot down by this woman before you get the message? She twists the knife and then you sign up for more. I have a tip for you, Jules: Stop! Give it up. Have some self-respect. There ain't no cheese down that hole. You made a big, hairy boo-boo with this gal when you asked if she wanted to be your girlfriend. Whatever chance you might have had to win her heart was lost at that point. A man should never ask if a woman wants to be his girlfriend. It's a very weak approach -- a turnoff. There's no mystery, no Challenge in it. Besides, when you have to ask, 99% of the time the answer is "no." Your primary job in the courtship process, Jules, is simply to raise the woman's Interest Level in you. That will automatically happen if you follow the guidelines of "The System" whenever you are out with a woman (provided she has 51% Interest Level in you to begin with). And the cool thing is that once a woman's level of interest in you has reached critical mass, she will be the one to "close" you for commitment. She'll be saying things like: "So does this mean we're going steady?" or, "Are you seeing anyone else?" or, "So where is this relationship going?"

she saw moneybags When you revamped your wardrobe, Jules, your "girl friend" deduced that you are a man of more than modest means. That's when she slapped on her miner's cap and the "Gold Rush" started. She won't kiss you and then she asks you to foot the bill for fancy footwear. The audacity! She's got more balls than a driving range. (She's used to getting away with that kind

of manipulative crap because she's so beautiful, but now you're going to be the one to say "no.") Jules, stop wallowing in self-defeating lovesickness and self-pity. She's not available, not interested and a mercenary to boot, a self-serving user who figures she can work you for a few financial favors. If she were a guy , women would call her "a real creep." Jules, learn how to be a Challenge, move on and use "The System" to get yourself a sweetheart who likes you a lot. Once you do, it will be easy to forget Miss Shoeless. Remember guys, when she's not available, make like a bank teller and just say, "Next!"

Don't Give In To Double Standards Doc, As most men know, women generally have an advantage in relationships, especially in this era where men have been brainwashed by feminism into believing that any show of assertiveness on their part equals injury to the woman. Ironically, even though many feminists complain about assertive men, they often choose assertive men as their lovers. This kind of female hypocrisy is rampant in many areas. For example, women will say that men are cheaters even though women are cheating in record numbers. If caught cheating, they will say that men do it, too. They will complain that men have double standards about promiscuity when, in fact, they themselves hold that double standard. They view promiscuous men as threats to their relationships, yet are attracted to a man who can bed large numbers of women since it implies that he must be doing something pretty special to get all those partners. I was wondering if you could write a column describing the phenomenon of "attention shifting" by females in order to help men who are being manipulated by it. Sincerely, Toby -- who is no longer fooled by female hypocrisy

doc love's answer Hi Toby, As you already know, I agree with you completely. Men, in general, have been p-whipped and brainwashed by the male-bashing media into thinking that they have to apologize for being men.

For instance, check out the plot line of half the books on Oprah's Book Club list over the last few years. The main female characters are victims of various forms of abuse, and the main male characters are the perpetrators. It's an astonishingly predominant theme that runs through a preponderance of the novels on her list. So when the most popular and powerful woman on television is peddling this kind of propaganda, what kind of message does that send to adolescent boys who are struggling to relate to females? And what is the queen of the tube teaching young women about men?

watched tv lately? Take a close, objective look at the commercials on television. Men are frequently portrayed as inept dunces and incompetent losers. In advertising land, men are sloppy and selfish. They're incapable of taking care of themselves when they're sick. They're forgetful of anniversaries and birthdays. They're dysfunctionally obsessed with sports. They're untrustworthy creatures who don't deserve common courtesy. To whom are these ads catering? Women, of course. To you psych majors: The female controls the purse strings in the home. The ad that kills me is the one in which the guy is broken down on a desert road, and a hot chick pulls up in a hot car and taunts him for a few moments and then drives away leaving him stranded. Yeah. Let him walk 30 miles in the blazing sun to get help. That'll show him. You go, girl! But the mother of all feminists gave into a strong man...

steinem showed 'em Yes Toby, the Feministas are, of course, raving hypocrites. Just look at the mating choices of one of their Founding Mothers, Gloria Steinem. She made a career out of ranting and railing against the Patriarchy and once dismissed marriage as an institution that "destroys relationships." Yet whom did she choose for her husband when she decided to become a first-time bride at the age of 66? A wealthy and powerful international entrepreneur, David Bale. (Jane Fonda made a similarly surprising choice when she married Ted Turner, founder of CNN and the largest landowner in America.) Attempting to justify the betrayal of her own principles, Steinem told her minions on her wedding day, "I'm happy, surprised and one day will write about it, but for now, I hope this proves what feminists have always said, that feminism is about the ability to choose what's right at each time of our lives." But she didn't let the sisterhood down completely. The small wedding ceremony, attended by close family and friends, took place in the Adair County Oklahoma home of Steinem's gal pal whose name is, and I'm not making this up, Wilma Mankiller, a Cherokee Indian woman.

Sometimes you'll see a male-bashing mama with a weak and wimpy guy that she can control, but she won't stay with him for long -- or if she does, he's the punching bag in the relationship for the rest of his life.

they want strength The Reality Factor says that when the chickens come home to roost, even the most hard-core Amazonian Feminista has a deep-seated need for a strong man who will take control (unless she's a lesbian). In fact, the more hard-core she is, the more masculine and dominating a man she'll tend to pick for her partner. Why? Because it's the only way she can feel feminine. Deep down, she wants someone who will set limits for her and say "No" once in awhile. Only an extra tough dude can make a tough woman feel girlish. When a man cheats on his girlfriend or wife, he is labeled by womenfolk as a creep and a user. When a woman cheats on her man, she's often seen as a victim who was compelled to do it only because she needed to free herself from a bad relationship and discover her deepest, unfulfilled needs. He's a total jerk while she's on a journey of self-expression and selfdiscovery. (Imagine a guy getting away with such an excuse!)

women are good, men evil The double standard that reigns supreme in the arena of sexual politics is the following. Women: good. Men: guilty until proven innocent. Yes, it's all very real and it's all very annoying and disconcerting. Still, we can be thankful for talk radio and the Internet. Those are two places where you'll find that men can consistently get an even break. So... what's a guy to do? How do you deal with all this adversity when you're out and about in the world, just trying to do your job and find a mate? Realize that you never need to apologize for being a man. You don't have to buy into the "party line" that a man is a user and abuser until he proves that he's not. You don't need to feel guilty about your sexuality. Being a man is a noble and virtuous thing. Study "The System" and become a confident man of high integrity who walks tall. Avoid any woman who has a chip on her shoulder and an ax to grind. There are plenty out there who don't hate men and who appreciate and respect a man who makes no apologies for his masculinity. Remember guys; you only need one sweet one.

Overcome Your Fear Of Rejection Forever Dear Doc Love, While interviewing candidates for a position at work, I met this woman who seemed, well, perfect. I could tell she was interested in me by the way she was staring into my eyes, but I was too afraid to ask her out. The last time I made an attempt to ask a woman out was four or five months ago. I've just felt kind of frozen. Anyhow, this beauty came back for a second interview with my boss, but again, I was too nervous to make a move and barely even said "hello." Doc, help me. Is there any way I can overcome this nervousness and give this another shot? Elliot -- who needs to get his courage up

doc love's answer Hey Elliot, Hold your horses and cool your jets, Sonny Boy. We don't know if your potential new coworker was giving you that sparkly-eyed look because she was attracted to you, or because she was turning on the charm so you'd give her the job (or both). I hate to break it to you, but it's likely that she was more interested in the job than in you. That's the way the odds play out in the land of reality. Whatever the truth, when you're on the job, you're not there to hit on the pretty ladies who come in for interviews. You were there, in this case, to find the best person for the position. So it's good that you didn't come on to this woman. After all, you don't want to jeopardize your own job. But at the same time, it's not good that you were afraid to ask her out. You understand the distinction? If and when you should get involved with someone at work is always a tough call. There are no hard and fast rules. There are guys who have been sued and raked over the coals for even complimenting a female co-worker. And there are plenty of examples of men who met the loves of their lives at the office. But forget work for now, here's how to overcome your fear of rejection forever...

you need a little ego In your case, Elliot, it's apparent that you don't have the confidence, the cool or the clarity to handle such a delicate situation. I don't even want you to think about asking this particular woman out. You're not ready yet.

"The System" tells us that one of the qualities that women value most in a man is confidence. If you're not confident with women, which you're obviously not, Elliot, then you must put yourself on a confidence-building program. How is that done? Here's the secret: (It's actually a lot easier than you might think.) Determine the highest level of beauty a woman can have without engendering one bit of nervousness or trepidation in you when you contemplate approaching and talking to her. So, for instance, if you still get the heebie-jeebies at the thought of approaching a 7, take it down a couple notches to the 5's who never make you uncomfortable at all. Then, whenever you are out and about in public, say "hello" to and strike up a conversation with every woman that you encounter who is, in one way or another, a 5 or less in your eyes.

even grandma wants to chat Talk to women of all ages. Talk to mothers who are out with their kids. Talk to grandmothers you encounter at the produce section in the market. Ask them what the difference is between a sweet potato and a yam. Laugh and joke with the plain-Jane who works at the bank and isn't quite pretty enough for you to be romantically interested in. But only talk to women whom you are 100% comfortable with. If you spend most of your life hardly ever approaching and talking to any females at all, it's pretty tough to suddenly ask out a woman whom you've just met, particularly a rather attractive one. But the more you practice interacting with females on a daily basis, the easier it gets to connect with the ones you like. The low 7, who used to make you slightly nervous, now begins to feel like just another one of the gals whom you regularly chat with. Then, once you achieve comfort and confidence with the low 7's, step up to the mid and high 7's. The trick is to crank up the risk factor very, very slowly, so slowly that your subconscious never perceives that there is anything to fear.

taking candy from a baby If you follow my instructions, Elliot, you will slowly but surely gain the comfort and confidence you need in order to be successful with women. You will no longer torment yourself about how you failed to "close" when you knew that you should have. And you won't be complaining that you don't meet any women. There are women everywhere you go, aren't there? Smile and say hello. Start with the ones you're not attracted to, that's easy. But, in order for this method to work, you have to be truly committed to practicing every day. It won't work if you merely do it in a half-assed way. Read my instructions over several times and make the commitment to do whatever it takes to have a real breakthrough for yourself.

Then, when the next potential soul mate crosses your path, it will be no big deal to say to her, "Missy, I'd like to take you out. What's your home phone number?" Just avoid using work as your only resource for meeting women. Get out there and start relating to the abundance of women who are everywhere else. Remember guys; don't bite off more than you can chew.

Should Guys Give Women What They Want? Dear Doc Love, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He's very loving, respectful, affectionate, and funny. He has also been a longtime follower of "The System," and is frequently sharing Doc Loveisms with guys who are struggling to keep their love connections going. So I'm pretty familiar with your philosophy -- but I want to share an insight about one of its principles. "Women love a challenge" seems to be at the heart of your love advice, and with that in mind, you advise men to refrain from expressions of praise and love in the early stages of a relationship. I agree, to a large degree. If a man who has only known me for a short time rhapsodizes about my beauty and professes his undying love, I feel like I'm being conned. He obviously hasn't known me long enough to truly love and appreciate me.

it's time for words But once a relationship moves beyond dating into a committed, long-term status, the dynamics on how and what to verbalize to a woman should change. This is the crux of what I'd like to pass onto your readers who are interested in keeping the woman they may have initially attracted. Believe it or not, we women are often just as mystified about our needs as guys are. It's taken me many years to fathom the primal wants of my womanhood. Here is a simple truth I've discovered about women that, if practiced, will keep the romance alive and well for many years to come: Women respond very powerfully to sincere, specific verbal expressions of love, appreciation and desire. Why? Because women tend to be reflective . Whatever you focus on and express to her, she will mirror back to you. For instance, the more you see her special beauty, appreciate it and express it to her, the more beautiful she will become. The more you appreciate and express how sexy and desirable she is, the more passionate and desirable she will become. The more you acknowledge her special qualities, the more those qualities will magnify and bless your life.

say it and it will be so When you verbalize your appreciation to a woman, it becomes more real and alive to her. The way to a woman's heart may very well be through her ears! And also her skin. Connect with her when you are speaking. Rather than a peck on the cheek and a quick "love you" as you walk out the door, hold her and look into her eyes when you say "I love you." Also, be specific. Tell her how you love the curve of her hips, how her waist feels under your hands, how lovely she looks in blue. And one last tip: The written word carries extra voltage for a woman. Most women I know would rather receive a page of love poetry written by their man, or a card with a paragraph of handwritten appreciation than a diamond necklace. In short, verbally express your love (in addition to all the wonderful ways that you already demonstrate love) with sincerity, sensuality and specificity, and you will have a glowing, giving goddess gracing your life. Caprice -- who loves sweet nothings What do you think Doc has to say about that?

doc love's answer Hi Caprice, Great letter. And congratulations, you have the good fortune of being in a relationship with a man who religiously practices "The System." A man who is confident, takes charge, gives you plenty of affection, and keeps you laughing to boot. A real man who is neither a wimp nor a macho boy. Most women have to compromise when they pick a partner. They have to choose between a guy who is either strong but has little or no sensitivity, or a guy who is sensitive and affectionate but is lacking testosterone. But because you're in a relationship with one of my boys, you get the best of both worlds. Lucky you!

but you have a problem Since you've taken the time and effort to write to me about a woman's need for verbal acknowledgement, it must be an issue for you in your own relationship, Caprice. Your boyfriend believes in Challenge so strongly because he knows that it was a major factor in his successfully capturing your heart. Understandably, he is probably thinking, "Why should I become less of a Challenge by getting all mushy? Being a Challenge is what got me to where I am today: in a relationship with an incredible woman."

But, as a student of "The System," he should also know that, in order to keep you over the long haul, he must provide you with respect, affection and romance. Apparently you're getting plenty of affection and respect from him, but not the exact form of romance that you require in order to be deliriously happy in your relationship. Your guy needs to gain a better understanding of what romance means to you. It sounds to me as if he is consistently demonstrating his love for you with his actions but he might be deficient in the verbal expression department. He should be complimenting you and verbally acknowledging you on a regular basis, and you should be doing the same for him.

you're almost right He should be surprising you with thoughtful little love notes or poems every once in a while. (As long as he does those kinds of things for you less often than you do them for him. If he started doing them for you more often than you did for him, then he wouldn't be a Challenge and your Interest Level in him would begin to diminish. On the other hand, If he's never doing any of that for you, then he's not following "The System" completely.) And as far as the "I love yous" go, your man should be periodically telling you that he loves you. A woman does need to hear those words from her man. It's an essential part of the romantic experience. But once again, he should be saying that to you less often than you say it to him. And, he certainly should never be parroting it back to you whenever you say it to him. That's not romantic!

he should give some Overall, Caprice, your boyfriend must keep in mind that a man should never give a woman everything she wants because doing that will leave her with nothing to discover, nothing to chase, no mystery. If you don't believe what I'm saying, just ask the average divorced guy why his wife left him and he'll tell you, "I don't know what happened, I gave her everything she asked for!" So you see Caprice, in one sense, it's good that you're slightly frustrated. The challenge for your man is to find that perfect balance between giving and holding back so that you are feeling cherished and adored, and yet still not completely fulfilled. Even though this might not make sense to you (as you mentioned, women have difficulty understanding themselves), this is what's going to keep your Interest Level sky-high over the long haul. Words are powerful and romantic and, when used with discretion, can certainly enhance intimacy. The key is that guys should never use flowery or sensual verbiage to try to raise a woman's Interest Level. But they should use it when her Interest Level is already off the charts. Then his words become a love offering rather than an appeal for approval.

Remember guys; there's a reason why women swoon over "the strong, silent type."

Dating Tips For Divorced Dads Hi Doc, I'm 35 years old, have been divorced for about six months and have full custody of my sixyear-old daughter. (Her mother went off the deep end and is now in drug rehab -- for the third time.) Now that I've gotten past a lot of the pain and disappointment over the failure of my marriage, I'm ready to start dating again. Fortunately, I've finally found a babysitter that I can trust, so I'll be able to go out for entire evenings without having to check in every hour. The problem is that it's been almost eight years since I last went out on a date, and I don't have a lot of confidence in my skills with women. I feel like it would be so easy for me to wind up doing something stupid. The idea of going out somewhere with the specific purpose of meeting women seems rather daunting at this point. But my buddy told me that you are "Da Man" when it comes to dating. So do you have any helpful hints for a divorced dad who just started dating again? Thanks, Garth -- who needs coaching

doc love's answer Hi Garth, Sorry to hear about your ex-wife. Your unfortunate experience with matrimony should remind all mankind about the importance of fully and accurately evaluating the character of any potential mate prior to tying that knot that's not so easily untied. To you psych majors: After you say "I do," it's too late. I understand your trepidation about getting back in the dating game. As far as dating goes, you've been in suspended animation for almost a decade, dude. You've been out of the proverbial loop, Garth, and we need to give you some basic training so that you don't get creamed out there. Starting from square one, as you are, it's pretty darned easy to end up having your cojones handed to you on a platter before you even realize what's happened. Yes, it's a jungle out

there, Garth, but I'm going to give you a map to find your way through it and emerge not only unscathed, but triumphant. That map is called "The System." Get it, and study it diligently. In the meantime, here are some ideas for you. Don't head out the door just yet, staying in may be your best bet...

it's a feline world There's absolutely no reason to throw yourself directly into the lion's den by going out to bars and clubs to meet women. To succeed in those kinds of environments, you really have to be on your game, and I think it would just be too awkward and stressful for you. But Internet dating would be perfect for you. Every month, more and more people are joining Internet dating services. Men used to far outnumber women on those sites, but in the last couple of years, the numbers have really shifted. One of the most popular dating sites has become so successful that they're now running clever, big budget ads on prime-time television, making Internet dating even more popular and socially acceptable. Internet dating is easy and convenient. You can check out hundreds of potential candidates while you sit in your favorite chair in the comfort of your home. And here is a quick Internet dating tip: Never write more than four e-mails back and forth before you "close" for an inperson meeting with whom you're communicating.

30 is all it takes And don't spend more than 30 minutes with any woman on your first "meet for coffee" date. If the two of you aren't hitting it off, a half-hour is just long enough to make it seem as if you're not eager to get the hell out of there, even if you are. If the two of you are really clicking and you know that you'd like to meet her again, when you bow out gracefully after half an hour, you'll be a real Challenge in her eyes, and you will be laying the groundwork for her to fall for you. There is something else that divorced dads in particular should keep in mind when they are out on a date. Whether it's the first informal coffee meeting or the tenth date, the number one most important rule is this: Do not, under any circumstances, talk about your ex-wife. Divorced dads have a terrible habit of pouring their hearts out about how their ex did them wrong and how it has affected the children, and how their capacity to trust has been lost, etc., etc., etc. Doing this only makes you look like a resentful loser who doesn't know how to have a good relationship.

don't give in to therapy So even if your date demonstrates great concern and curiosity about what you might have been through in your past relationships, you must steer the conversation elsewhere, regardless of how much you may be comforted and encouraged by the fact that someone is offering a sympathetic ear. If you need someone to listen to you while you recount the painful episodes of your failed marriage, hire a therapist, or talk to a priest or a rabbi. Whenever you're out on a date, keep the conversation positive and upbeat. When you're back home after having had a successful meeting with one of your new relationship candidates, the moments that you will savor and look back on with fondness will be the ones where you kept it light and fun. Remember guys, the less she knows about you, the more curious she will be.

When Women Break Dates Hi Doc, Two weeks ago I met this woman, Dusty, while we were both waiting in a long line at the bank. After breaking the ice by telling her that she chewed gum really well, I kept the conversation light and positive (as you suggest) and got her home phone number. The thing is that when I asked for her phone number, she eagerly wrote it down and said, "I'll be out of town for a few days, but I'll be home on Sunday by 7 o'clock or so." (According to "The System," that's really high Interest Level.) I waited until Monday to call her and she seemed excited to hear from me. Ultimately, I made a date to pick her up on Thursday night for dinner and dancing at this new club downtown. Then, on the night before our date, she called and said that she went jogging in the park the night before and was feeling ill. She said that she waited until the "last minute" to call because she wanted to see if taking lots of vitamin C and herbs would nip it in the bud, but it didn't work. She said she wouldn't be in any condition to go out. She sounded really sorry and disappointed, and said that she wanted to reschedule as soon as she's out of the woods, so to speak. I said that I was sorry that she wasn't feeling well and that we should talk when she's feeling better. So what do you think, Doc? How do you think I should handle this? Reed -- who wants to know what you think

doc love's answer Hi Reed, First, let me compliment you for being so bold and resourceful. That "gum chewing" line was great and very creative. You took something that was going on in the immediate environment and parlayed it into a "funny" conversation starter. Learning to think on your feet is part of what it takes to become, what I call, a ThreePercenter (one of the 3% of guys who have true mastery with women). So, is she on the up and up?

certain lines, certain women You could have said the same thing to a different woman, and she would have given you the cold shoulder; but Dusty liked your wit and that's all that counts. You took the shot, and you hit the bull's eye. Great work. And, yes, I do concur with your initial analysis that this gal was demonstrating a high level of interest in you. Why do I say that? When she reached for a pen before you could even locate yours, that was significant. But the strongest positive flag she revealed was that she gave you a very specific time to call her so that you would be able to reach her easily. To you psych majors; women help you when they like you. In spite of all that, it was still a smart move on your part not to call her on the exact day and time that she suggested. If you call precisely when a woman suggests after you first meet her, it's too easy to come off as obedient and boring. While you waited that extra day to call, Dusty's Interest Level in you was rising because you added in an extra sprinkle of that magical mystery dust: Challenge.

she really likes you Now let's get to the meat of the matter. Is she really sick or was she telling you a whopper? Short of stalking her or sending a medical team over to examine her, we can't know for certain one way or another. But due to the strength of her initial buying signals, we're going to give her two things: the benefit of the doubt and another chance. At the same time, just to let her know that you didn't buy her excuse 100% and that you know she might have made the whole thing up, we're going to add extra time before we call her and make another date. The idea is to wait beyond the time that she would realistically be over her cold -- at least two weeks. (If she gets better quickly and is chompin' at the bit to go out with you, she can always pick up the phone.)

If you call her too soon, Reed, you'll be indirectly telling her that it's all right to jerk you around. So for now, put her on the back burner and keep getting more phone numbers. You've obviously got the level of confidence required. Go get em' Tiger! Remember guys, you don't know what's what until you get past 60 days with her.

Don't Let Any Woman Give You False Hope Hi Doc, About a year ago, I began dating this woman whom I truly believe is my soul mate. I was going through a divorce when I began dating her and although my marriage was over, it was difficult to let my ex's family go. After all, I was with my ex-wife for 10 years and naturally became best friends with her father. This put a strain on my new relationship and, because I kept hanging out with my ex-father-in-law, she left me because she thought that I didn't really love her. Now she's dating another man, but whenever I talk with her, she tells me that she's confused and still cares about me, and now realizes what I was going through when we were dating. She confessed that she wants to get married and start a family, but the man she's currently dating doesn't want any of those things. She claims that this guy isn't for her and she just needs to sort things out. She says that there may be a chance for us to start over and I told her that I stopped seeing my ex's family. The thing is that although she's constantly saying that there's hope, she hasn't made any moves to prove it. I think it's because I constantly tell this woman how much I love and miss her, but I know she is the one I have been searching for all my life. My question is this: Should I not be telling this woman how I feel because she will remain comforted knowing that I will be there for her when she's ready? Should I stay away from her and see if she chases after me? Miles -- who greatly appreciates any suggestions

doc love's answer Hi Miles, This scenario brings to mind the immortal words of Elvis Presley: "A hardheaded woman, a softhearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began." Her excuse for leaving was lame...

If you had been hanging out with your ex-wife, then your girlfriend would certainly have had good reason to be troubled. But your desire to remain buddies with your ex's father shouldn't have been an issue in your relationship. He's simply another guy, a friend. So what? Your "soul mate" is either incredibly insecure or was just latching on to that particular situation as a convenient excuse to dump you when her Interest Level had sunk beyond the point of no return. To you psych majors: It's a rare woman who will tell you what you actually did to lower her Interest Level. The key for you, Miles, is not to get seduced by this gal's rhetoric. She says that she loves you and that she sees no future with her new guy, but guess what? The weeks and months are flying by, and she's still with him. She's playing both of you, dude. She gets an "F" in the integrity department. Or as my cousin, Fast Eddie Love, would say, "She should be selling used cars."

she speaks a different language You might want to ask your true love this: "If you're 100% sure that your current beau is not the guy for you, why, for crying out loud, are you still with him?" But don't expect a legitimate answer because there is none. All you will hear from her is Womanese. Whenever a woman tries to justify her lack of commitment with any of the following phrases, don't buy it because she's full of more BS than a fertilizer factory: "I'm confused." "I have to sort things out." "Please be patient with me." Miles, you are not handling this situation well at all. This woman knows that you'll do anything for her approval, so she can't have much respect for you. And you should not be revealing anything about your feelings because she doesn't deserve it. She has dissed you to the max and what you should be doing is moving on, studying "The System" and learning from your mistakes; not fantasizing about how this is somehow going to work out.

run, don't walk So yes, you should stay away from her, completely. But when you do, be aware that she won't like the feeling of losing total control over you, so she'll probably up the ante and give you an extra big, new, juicy fix of false hope. Your test, your trial by fire, Miles, is to avoid falling for it when it comes. As far as I'm concerned, you're lucky that she got rid of you. She's about as trustworthy as a paid snitch and not someone you'd want as the mother of your children. Oh, and one more thing. You should take your ex's family back -- they really loved you.

Remember guys, her words mean nothing; only her actions count.

When She Ignores You On A Date Hello Doc, Eight days after getting Renee's number, I called her up for a Saturday afternoon date and, since she had been giving me very strong Buying Signals, she accepted with utter enthusiasm. She showed up with Prussian precision to a convenient meeting place, and we had a great chat. My dad once told me, "The less said the better," so of course, I kept the conversation limited to fun, light topics. Afterwards, we went to see a performance at a nearby music school. That's when things got weird. After we sat down, Renee got a girlfriend of hers to join us, and she basically tuned me out. I acted as if I didn't care about what she was doing and kept my attention focused on the performance. At the reception, she continued to ignore me and joke around with her girlfriend. They were even talking and flirting with other guys!

what's the deal? I served myself some refreshments and talked to other people, even though this was really bothering me. When I told her I was leaving she teased me a bit, and then I gave her a hug and left. I figured she must have had low interest and was a Professional Dater, even though the date cost me zilch. I can't imagine that a woman with high interest in a guy would do what she did. On the other hand, a week later, I bumped into her girlfriend and another guy from her class. As I was saying goodbye, the guy mumbled, "Renee says hi." I'm guessing this suggests high Interest Level. I wouldn't expect a woman to get a friend to say hello to me for her if she wasn't interested! I don't know if I should give up on her. On the other hand, a little voice in my head is saying, "This is a test." What do you think? Wayne -- who wants to know if he's being tested

doc love's answer Hi Wayne, Okay. Let's go over this. When you first asked this woman out you should have made it for Sunday rather than Saturday. In a woman's mind, there is a huge difference between those two days. Where else did Wayne go wrong, and what did he do right? Find out...

Saturday is the day that you reserve for your number one gal, either your girlfriend or the woman who's got the top position in your roster. Women know that. So when you're first getting to know a woman and you ask her out for a Saturday, you are letting her know that you've got no other prospects. Not good. This is something you'll want to handle properly with the next woman. You also should have told her that you would pick her up for the date rather than meet her at your chosen destination. If she had insisted that you meet her somewhere and didn't want you to come to her home, then you could have screened her out immediately, before this wild goose chase ever got started. To you psych majors: women with low Interest Level don't want you to know where they live. By the way, you're lucky to have a dad who knows a thing or two about women. It's great that he advised you with, "The less said the better." It's a rare father who actually passes on any meaningful wisdom to his son about women. Now, even though this woman exhibited some initial strong buying signals, she disqualified herself as a candidate for "Girlfriend of Wayne" when she pulled that little stunt with her gal pal and then started flirting with other guys. The audacity! She's about as classy and courteous as a bouncer at a biker bar.

here's where you went wrong There are a few different ways you could have handled the situation, Wayne. One option would have been to follow the philosophy that says: once your date starts disrespecting you (and rubbing it in your face as Renee did), you leave. Over and out. You should have simply said (facetiously), "Thanks for the fun date," and then exited and left her there baffled and bewildered. Doing that would have been entirely appropriate. Or, option two: right then and there you could have started talking to her girlfriend and dominating the conversation, all the while only talking to her girlfriend and ignoring her . That would have also sent a strong message. Option three: once she started pulling this stunt, you could have immediately started hustling other women and gotten their phone numbers whilst skillfully positioning yourself so that Renee saw you. Unfortunately, after she pulled all this crap, you gave her a "hug," which sanctioned her rude behavior. "Dis me, and you'll get a hug" was the message you gave her. All right, let's tie it all up here. I agree with you. Women test men, constantly and relentlessly. But when that guy, a third party, told you that "Renee says hi," that meant zip. As Judge Judy would tell you, "It's hearsay." We don't know if that guy was telling the truth or not. We don't

know if your date really said that or not. But even if she did , it's no basis for pursuing further contact with her. She's out, forever, and "good riddance," I say.

did you pass doc's test? So Wayne, here's your report card for your recent field trip assignment in Doc Love's Training School: You did great when you waited eight days to call this gal. You were right on the money when you kept the conversation light and positive. But when she threw a curve ball at you, you lost your focus. That's okay; you're still learning "The System" and I don't expect you to figure all this out in the heat of battle. Continue studying and keep in mind that each one is practice for the next one, until you find The One. Remember guys; if a woman doesn't treat you right on a first date, there's no reason to go on a second date with her.

The Best Places To Meet Women Dear Doc, Your coaching has really helped me transform my past "Wimpus Americanus" personality toward being a gentleman. Here's some key advice for other guys who are working on doing the same. It is important that newly transformed gentlemen avoid meeting women in situations where there is too much competition. If there is too much competition a man's confidence will take a hit, unless he savors a difficult challenge. Here are, in my opinion, the four best places to meet women with virtually no competition. 1) Volunteer activities: Every volunteer activity I have participated in for the past five months has always had 90% women and 10% men. And a woman's Interest Level will rise when she sees a guy volunteering his time for others. 2) Singles cruises: I've been on three singles cruises, and the ratio has always been 3:1, women to men. All the women I've talked to complained that most of the men they meet on singles cruises are either too soft and polite or are egomaniacal jerks. So being a gentleman and a Challenge will attract more women than any guy could shake off. 3) Any aerobics class (especially the advanced classes): The ratio has always been about 9:1, women to men. Most times I was the only guy in the class. But here's an important tip: Do not take a spot in the front two rows.

Most women are "territorial" in aerobics classes. As well, the front two rows are usually reserved for the "inner circle" group (at least the regulars). Therefore, the best location to work out is usually the center left or center right of the class. 4) Wine tasting clubs: The ratio has always been 3:1, women to men. And as you can imagine, it's incredibly easy to meet and talk to any woman in this kind of situation. Hope you and your readers find this helpful. Thank you again for all your advice and coaching. Johnny -- who wants to help his fellow man

doc love's answer Hi Johnny, Thanks. My readers can definitely benefit from the research you've done out there in the trenches. If you're a single man and want to find a mate, one thing is certain; you ain't gonna meet anyone sitting at home glued to your computer terminal indulging your addiction to SimCity 4. That's right, guy. How are you ever going to find the woman of your dreams if you lie there sprawled on the couch night after night eating cheese nachos and watching reruns of The Howard Stern Show ? You've got to get up off your gluteus maximus, dude, shower and shave, and head out there into the real world where the real women are. Be at the right place, at the right time...

know where to work it Trolling for babes is always work to a greater or lesser degree, but what I want you guys to do is work smart, not hard. Johnny has some great points here. Why beat your head against the wall trying to meet women at bars and nightclubs where men outnumber women, the women have all their defenses up, and you can't hear each other talk anyway? Why go anywhere to meet women where the odds are stacked against you? You're better off going to places where you've got much more than just a fighting chance. In fact, why not put yourself in environments where meeting women is as easy as finding hay in a haystack? Then, within the parameters of sure-fire and user-friendly places, find, what they refer to in the record industry as, "your groove." By that I mean the particular places and situations where you can easily meet women and where you also feel relaxed, confident, comfortable, and true to your own interests.

For example, yoga classes are a great place to meet women where the odds are stacked in your favor, but you may hate the idea of having to contort yourself into a pretzel on the chance that you might meet your soul mate. So don't be a victim. Find a different venue that's overstocked with females, like a Latin dance class for instance, where you can meet babes and enjoy yourself.

4 best spots to meet babes Now, Johnny, let's go over your list. Volunteer activities: This is indeed a great place to meet women. Not only will females outnumber males, but here you will also find women with character and integrity who are true givers. To you Psych majors, gold diggers don't do volunteer work. Singles cruises: In this environment, of course, you will need to suspend the "wait a week before you call and ask her out" strategy. But you can still use Challenge by lying low for the first night. Then take every Buying Signal that you get from any woman you're interested in as an opportunity to close, close, close. (We're working in a limited time frame here.) The idea is that in this specialized situation, you go ahead and go for it physically, but as always, hold back verbally and remain a Challenge. Aerobics classes: Two things you need to do: As difficult as it may be, look only into the eyes of the women you meet there and do not look at their bodies. (You'll be the first guy who ever did that.) And, don't try to strike up conversations with any of the women there. Just keep showing up for every class and be cool. Once you get your time in, the ones who are interested will approach you . Wine tasting clubs: The women you meet here will be more intellectual, classy and cultured than the average female you'd meet in a bar (and that's a good thing, unless you go for the more "earthy" type). And, as you pointed out, Johnny, the conversation will be flowing as freely as the wine. Remember guys, always work efficiently, not hard.

Are Women Hypocrites In The Dating Game? Dear Doc, After studying "The System" over the past four months, I've come to realize, thankfully, how lost and confused I've been. I feel like the character, "Neo," that Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix. He had no idea that he was living in a trance-induced false reality until Morpheus showed him what the truth was. You, Doc, are my Morpheus.

I used to believe anything women told me because I wanted them to like me. I felt like I was always on the defensive and I would do whatever they requested to prove that I was a "good guy." But as I look back now with my defogged vision, it's obvious that trying to be nice never got me anywhere as far as true romance goes. Even the dating advice I was getting from my well meaning female friends was misleading and contradictory. I'd follow their advice only to experience more rejection from the women I was dating. Now I'm seeing the light, and as the light shines more brightly, anger is growing inside of me. There's so much hypocrisy out there! Women complain about men who never call, but those same women regularly give out their phone numbers to men whom they have no intention of going out with. Women say they want to be treated as equals yet they expect men to put their egos on the line and risk rejection. They whine and complain about wanting guys who are "emotionally available" and "in touch with their feelings," yet they consistently fall for the selfish jerks who never express any genuine tender feelings.

what's the deal? I know that all of this is no news to you, Doc. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your reality-based, non-politically correct advice. You've catalyzed a profound awakening in my awareness. The next step for me is to get past all this resentment and find a sweet, loving woman who I have mutual High Interest in. In the meantime, Doc, I was hoping that you could give me a quick pep talk to help me deal with this anger and resentment. I figure that it's probably just a stage that a lot of guys go through when they first start to wake up, so I'm sure you have dealt with this problem before. Any encouragement you can give me would be very much appreciated. Richard -- who is really ticked off

doc love's answer Hey Richard, As they say in 12-step programs, you've been in denial, dude, and yes, my brother, you are becoming deprogrammed and the process can be quite unsettling at first. Just realize that it's completely normal and natural to feel a lot of anger and resentment at this point in your journey to Mastery. Here's what Dick needs to understand...

And as strange as it might sound, do not resist your anger. That's right. I want you to welcome it, all of it. Your anger and resentment are going to motivate you to stay disciplined and committed to doing the right thing and keep you from getting seduced back into your old selfdestructive habits. At the same time, you need to understand that you can't blame women for all your frustration. You've got to take responsibility for your own experience. There is no law that says, "You must obey the instructions of all women." You didn't have to buy into the big lie. You had a choice. So you're probably angry at yourself and at the entire female species. That's okay.

don't be a fool All right. Onward and upward to a brighter tomorrow. Let's just quickly review and analyze your major gripes. In case you haven't totally gotten it by now, Richard, let me emphasize that, for a man, seeking dating advice from "well meaning" female friends is, as Shakespeare would say, "a fool's errand." Men tend to think that if they consult a female ally for dating advice, then they're getting valuable, helpful information. Unfortunately, most of the time, the exact opposite is true. A classic scenario comes to mind, where a guy tells his gal pal that he's in love with a woman whom he's been out with four or five times and wants to find out where he stands with her. The gal pal says, "Oh, you've got to tell her how you feel. What are you afraid of? Tell her how you feel about her!" So the guy follows his female buddy's suggestion, and then, of course, his potential soul mate's Interest Level in him plummets. Then he wonders what the hell happened. What happened was that he mistakenly believed that, when it comes to love and romance, women understand their own motivations. They don't.

unfair dating game And yes, Richard, wouldn't it be a wonderful, brave new world if women started sharing equally in the risk of rejection involved in the dating process? Well, guess what? It ain't gonna happen. The way it is, is the way nature designed it to be. The male is the initiator. The female holds the rejection card. (She has the veto power.) That's the way it is and that's the way it's going to be 100 years from now. So step up to the plate, Richard, and learn to love it. Once you gain more confidence in using my strategies and principles, you will become a lot more comfortable with the process. I'm glad that you now understand that 99% of the time, when a woman says, "I don't give out my number, but give me yours and I'll call you," that that's a steaming pile of B.S. But once

again, that's just what a lot of women do. That's reality. And when you argue with reality you always lose, but only 100% of the time. And of course women do frequently choose jerks over the nice guys. But the woman who has the character traits that you want in a mate will want a guy who's tough and strong, and who's also genuinely sensitive and soulful on the inside. Your job is to just become the best man that you can be. Then you will magnetize a quality woman into your life. So, Richard, don't take all the apparent female hypocrisy personally. It's just part of their social programming and the way the game is set up. So how do you deal with all of it? As my acupuncturist, Dr. Lao, would say, "The happy man, Grasshopper, lets the cold water roll off his back like a duck." Remember guys; don't take women personally.

Are All Beautiful Women Narcissists? Hi Doc, After a few dates with a very attractive woman, she began behaving in an unusually selfcentered and inconsiderate manner, yet she was weirdly clingy and came across as though our relationship was much more intimate than it actually was. She kissed me on the first date and did almost everything else correctly, sometimes too correctly, but I kept noticing odd things about her attitude. I started wondering if there was a clinical diagnosis for the tendencies she was exhibiting. So I did a Web search using these keywords -- "self-centered, inconsiderate personality" -- just to see what would come up. The results blew me away. I discovered that this woman has "Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder." She met all five of the criteria for the disorder: 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. 2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 3. Requires excessive admiration. 4. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends) and lacks empathy. 5. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

do all women love themselves?

When I related these symptoms to some of my buddies, they observed that "this sounds like every woman in the world." It would certainly describe most beautiful women. You see Doc? Here's scientific data supporting your idea that "The Beautiful Woman is the most dangerous creature on the planet." Another site gave hints and tips on how to deal with someone in your life who has this disorder, and here's the kicker: In many ways "The System" mirrored the tips given on that psychology site and perfectly describe the best way to deal with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder! I just thought that you'd enjoy knowing that the scientific/psychology community validates your principles and strategies. Pretty interesting, don't ya think? Ray -- who wants to know how you would call it

doc love's answer Hey Ray, Let me commend you on the fruitful fact-finding mission you've completed. Good work. You've come up with some very interesting info. Here's Doc's diagnosis... As you know, I'm no psychiatrist. I got a "D" in my psychology class at Fresno State. But I was always interested in understanding why a woman chooses to stay with one man versus another. The way I found the answer to that question was by pounding the pavement and interviewing over 10,000 women over a couple of decades. This is how "The System" was born.

doc's discoveries In the course of my exhaustive research, I learned a lot of things that I never learned in books. And besides my earthshaking discovery of the principles of Challenge and Interest Level, there's another thing I discovered: Any woman can have a problem personality, but the more beautiful a woman is, the more likely she is to be a spoiled, self-centered high-maintenance head case. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "It's the lookers who are all the trouble." Fortunately, there are beautiful women out there who are loving and giving, and also clinically sane. My job, as your relationship coach, is to help you weed out the loonies from the lovelies before you say, "I do." Or as the Bible says, to "separate the wheat from the chaff."

be careful when choosing a mate

But before we get to Doc Love's prescription for the week, allow me to rant for a moment. America has the know-how to crack the DNA code but we don't have the smarts to make a dent in our 50% divorce rate. The numbers haven't budged in over 30 years! But one way that men as a gender could make a difference in these disheartening statistics would be to adopt a healthy selection criterion when choosing a mate. Men are generally not objective, nor are they discriminating when it comes to affairs of the heart. To you Psych majors, they leap before they look. But men can learn to play it smart and thereby increase their chances of success in the game of love. The idea is that if any particular babe that you're dating has any or all of the destructive character traits on that list, then you want to determine that as soon as possible, before you get in too deep (either emotionally, financially or even just in terms of time spent). So while you are with her during her initial probationary couple of months, you must look for what I call "Flags." Check out the four Flags...

stay away from these red flags Flags, in this context, are subtle or sometimes not-so subtle telltale signs that your date is a self-absorbed user who does not qualify as long-term relationship material. Here are some of the most common flags that you will see: 1. She fails to exhibit any genuine curiosity about you, your life and what's important to you. For example, while you're sharing about your passion for helping to save the whales, you can feel that she's preoccupied and just waiting for you to finish talking so she can tell you more about her . 2. She constantly name-drops and brags about her professional accomplishments. You know the type. She's convinced that she's going to be famous -- and soon -- and she wants you to know all about it. 3. She treats people in the service industry as subhuman. When you're out having dinner together, she orders your waiter around as though he's her slave. (Always observe how she treats the hired help. It will tell you a lot about her character.) 4. She keeps asking probing questions, attempting to determine how much money you make. One of my students recently told me how his date, on their second night out together, asked him straight out: "So what's the most expensive gift you've ever given a woman?" The narcissistic woman always has a hidden agenda, along with a severe deficiency in the integrity department. The problem is that most men don't pick up on these things because their own high Interest Level blinds them to reality.

Remember guys; you've got to be on the lookout for those flags.

Top 10 Questions To Ask Your Date Hello Doc, I've received great benefit from your advice about how to deal with women when they start interrogating me. Over the past few years I've been out with several different women who would pry and probe with very personal questions, even on the first date. I used to get so intimidated when they'd start "interviewing" me like that, but your coaching has changed the whole paradigm for me. Thank you Doc! I'm writing in the hopes that you could share more about dealing with this from the other side of the equation. Is it ever a good idea for a man to give his date an intensive quiz of some type? And what would be the crucial things that he should ask her ? Are there direct questions that a guy could ask a woman to quickly and easily pre-qualify her, so to speak, and determine if she's a gold digger, a high-maintenance princess, or a professional dater? Jerry -- who would like a list of questions

doc love's answer Hi Jerry, Too often, men allow themselves to be pressured and intimidated by women's confrontational questions. They get flustered and often find themselves putting their foot in their mouth before they know what has happened. But rather than take the beating, you should take charge. Your date may be coming on like a determined district attorney who will settle only for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but that doesn't mean that you have to succumb like a guilty schoolboy. There are a couple different ways to take control. One is to deflect and redirect the focus of the conversation by using humor. She asks you, "So, have you ever been married?" and you say, "Yes I have. In fact, I'm married now. I have six wives, but I could use one more. Would you like to be number seven? If we leave right now we could be in Vegas in about six hours." Another way to deal with the inquisitional pressure is to take the direct approach and fire the probing and provocative inquiries right back at her. She asks you, "So what's the longest relationship you've ever had?" and you say, "Six years, seven months, and two and two-thirds weeks. How about you? What was your longest relationship?" Get ready for the 10 questions...

you need to interview her Here is a list of the Top 10 questions you can ask your date and keep her on her toes. Of course, these questions will also garner you some very useful information. Just remember; do not always accept the first answer you get to each of these questions. Often, the truth will only be revealed after you ask more intensive follow-up questions to the original. So, don't be in a hurry to get to the next question on the list. As they say down on the farm, "You've got to milk it!" Also, keep in mind that all women are inquisitive by nature. A woman who is in touch with her femininity and who has a high level of interest in a man will ask him personal questions about himself. She'll want to draw him out. That's a good thing. You want her to be curious about you. But you don't want her to pressure you. So it's important to learn the distinction between when a woman is being curious versus confrontational. (Often it's the tone she uses when she asks a particular question that lets you know which is which.) Save the heaviest and most serious questions on this list (6 to 10) for those times when your date is being confrontational. Questions 1 to 5 can be used when she starts asking you provocative questions about relationships but still isn't trying to put you in the hot seat. And here's another important point about communication between the sexes. Women are generally much better listeners than men are. A lot of you guys need to improve your listening skills. As an overall rule, you should be asking your date interesting and meaningful questions about herself -- questions that you genuinely want to know the answers to. One of the biggest complaints women have about men is that they go on and on about themselves and hardly ask a date anything about herself. And one last caveat; handle with care! Don't ask any of these questions unless you're also prepared to answer the same or similar ones yourself. The Questions: 1. What do you think is the biggest mistake that men tend to make in relationships? (This will tell you a lot about what turns her off and also about her attitude toward men in general.) 2. Do you think that men tend to be too macho or too sensitive? 3. What are the qualities of your ideal relationship? 4. Have you ever gone out with a guy who was a Challenge? (Have her describe how he was a Challenge and how she responded to it.) 5. What's the most important thing that men don't understand about women that they should?

6. Have you ever had your heart broken? (The more beautiful she is, the more likely the answer will be no. It's actually better if the answer is yes. A girl whose heart has been broken has some humility.) 7. What scares you the most about opening your heart to a man? 8. Were you usually the dumper or the dumpee in your past relationships? 9. Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? 10. Why did your last relationship fail? (Note: Does she take any responsibility or was it all her ex-boyfriend's fault?) Remember guys; when she puts the pressure on, you've got to fire back.

Using "The System" In School Hello, I just wanted to say thank you for what "The System" has done for me. I've only had the guide for a couple of months and I'm still learning, but I'm already noticing some definite changes, not only in the way women react to me, but more importantly, in the way I act with women. I say this as a recovering "nice guy," at least with the women I really liked. After learning about your principles, I discovered that I behaved differently with women that I didn't feel as strongly for, which is why they were so much more into me. Common sense, yes, but it's amazing what you can overlook when it comes to your own behavior. Anyway, I have a quick question. I'm a college student, and while your dating strategies are readily applicable to women I meet in most circumstances, I can't quite get my head around how to apply it to girls I meet in class. How do I go about approaching a woman in that situation? The standard rules of meeting, talking, getting the digits, and leaving first don't really apply in school, nor does waiting a week to call. If I get her number in class, even if it's the last day of class that week, I will probably see her again a couple of days later. And I don't think it would be effective to avoid or ignore her in class, and then call her up and act like I hadn't seen her. Could you please throw me a bone, Doc? Thanks again,

Rocky -- who needs specialized coaching for guys in college

doc love's answer Hi Rocky, As you know, I always instruct guys to ask for the home phone number of any woman they've just met and are interested in. No hesitation. No apologies. This is done as a test of the woman's Interest Level in you. It's done to demonstrate to her that you are a confident guy who means business. It's done to impress her with your directness. And... it's also done because, in most cases, you will never see her again if you don't get her number before you part ways with her. College is a whole other ballgame...

textbook rules But, the classroom environment does present a specialized situation where we can creatively modify the "closing" process. A particular woman you meet in your history class, for instance, might possibly drop the class or drop out of school entirely before you get her number if you fail to act quickly. But odds are that that won't happen. Let's assume, for educational purposes, that 99% of the attendees of a particular class will make it through the entire semester. That means that, for all intents and purposes, you have what a Marine Drill Instructor has in his group of recruits: a captive audience. And when you have a captive audience, you should use the situation to your advantage, or as they say on the hip-hop dance floor, "You got to work it, baby!" So Rocky, let's say that there are a couple of different babes in your philosophy class that you have the hots for. Don't hit on them. Don't come on to them. Don't even talk to them. Instead, do all you can to be highly visible in the class. Ask really intelligent and interesting questions and, if you have a knack for it, make clever, humorous comments that make the whole class crack up. Soon, every woman in the class will be impressed by you and even curious about you. To you Psych majors, you gotta stand out.

play your cards right As the power of your persona gains momentum and magnetism, everyone will want to know you better. Then, using your popularity, take every opportunity you have, before and after class, to make sure that the two ladies that you like see how much the other ladies in the class love to talk and laugh with you. All the while, continue to ignore the two that you're hot for. This will really make you Mr. Interesting in their eyes.

If you follow this plan of action to the best of your abilities, one or both of the women that you're interested in should approach you and initiate interaction with you within a few weeks or less. Once one of them demonstrates some authentic interest in you and gives you some obvious Buying Signals, then close her by getting her home phone number. Also, make sure to end the conversation first and move on. Either go and talk with some other woman, or take a seat, or leave the room if class is over. Yes Rocky, you still leave first -- whatever form of "leaving" you can create in that environment. Wait a week, or else... You will then, as always, wait a week, Rocky, before you call your love interest and ask her out. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "All the idiots call within 48 hours."

be cool at school Now here's a powerful concept to shatter all your fear and confusion about seeing her again before you call her. It is simply this: when you run into her again, before you've called her, don't put any pressure on yourself to excuse your lack of communication. Relax. Chill out. Be cool. Don't get all antsy and embarrassed. Realize that any discomfort you feel is selfinflicted. It's totally okay if she sees you again before you call her. Let her see you four or five times before you call. No big deal. Don't be afraid that she's going to think that you've rejected her. Why not? Because if she does think that, then it's only going to raise her Interest Level and make her extra cooperative when you do call her and ask her out. And once again, when you finally do call, make no excuses or explanations. Just make a date and then get off the phone. Badda bing, badda boom.

you'll raise her interest level And here's another thought to help you appreciate why waiting a week to call is the right thing to do, even though you may run into her more than once in the interim. You can be certain that no other fellow has ever played it so cool with her and this will work to your advantage. She'll be thinking, "Gee, every other guy from my classes that I've given my number to has called me the next day. What's this Rocky guy's story? Hmm, I'm intrigued. I think I'll have to raise my Interest Level in him." As for the other gal you're working on, if the weeks keep going by and she just doesn't make a move to connect with you, then go on ahead and take the initiative. The idea, Rocky, is that in this specialized situation, you bide your time and give her an abundance of opportunities to close you, but you most ultimately do the closing if she doesn't.

Remember guys; always ask for the home phone number and always wait a week to call.

Does Hollywood Teach Men To Be Saps? Hi Doc, I wanted to talk about something you're very right about -- the media brainwashing men in the area of romance. Here's a blatant example: I recently watched Star Wars: Episode II . In this movie, the Jedi character, Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) fall in love. But the way the film portrayed their courtship was, frankly, embarrassing. This guy poured out every insecurity, vulnerability and longing he had right in front of her face. Here are some nauseating examples: "My soul is in torment because of you"; "I've been thinking of you everyday for 10 years"; "I cannot live without you!" I mean, this was some sickeningly sappy stuff. Doc, it was excruciating to watch; tough Jedi warrior becomes p-whipped wimp in front of the most beautiful woman in the Galaxy. And worse, this method of courtship seemed, in this movie, to work like a charm. She falls straight into his arms, swooning! Does this guy have even a remote concept of Self-Control or Challenge, which are the real guy qualities? Everyone else watching the film with me thought it was romantic and heartwarming (mostly women). I sat there doing everything I could do to keep from upchucking! Since this is a sci-fi film, a disproportionately large amount of men would see it, not to mention that it's one of the top-grossing films ever. And how many men, especially young guys and teenagers, would get the impression that a "tough" Jedi's ways of courting a girl is a great one? And might they try and repeat this with women they like? After all, if it works for the cool Jedi knight, it's got to work for them! So guys, don't listen to what the media says -- Hollywood has no idea how proper relationships work, only idealized fantasies. Here's hoping that this brainwashing comes to an end soon, and "The System" gets to all guys everywhere, in this and other Galaxies. Dennis -- who wants to warn his fellow warriors

doc love's answer Hi Dennis, Yeah man. I also watched Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones and I really enjoyed a

lot the action scenes, but I agree with you; the romantic part of the story was not only vapid and embarrassingly stupid, but it was also filled with dangerous and destructive messages for men. To you Psych majors, it sucked. So where did Star Wars fail?

the system is real If you had seen the film prior to having an understanding of "The System," Dennis, you probably wouldn't have thought twice about the dysfunctional courtship style of the movie's hero. Without having a reference point for the truth, the misleading subliminal messages would have sunk directly into your subconscious, sending you further down the road toward rejection and confusion. Fortunately, you've already awaken from the spell of media disinformation, and you were able to see things objectively. It's discouraging to see this kind of pablum so shamelessly perpetrated upon the unsuspecting masses. But take heart, Dennis, in the fact that the lack of credibility in the romantic aspects of the film did not go unnoticed by the press. The film's failures in this regard were so awesomely blatant that even the mainstream media took notice.

star wars failed Many film critics commented that Hayden Christensen was woefully miscast as the romantic lead, that there was an utter lack of chemistry between him and Natalie Portman, and that their intimate dialogue was horribly mundane and clichéd. So, you see, Dennis, all is not lost. If it gets bad enough, people (at least some people) will say, "Hey wait a minute, we don't buy this, it's not entertaining and it insults our intelligence!" Still, I must point out that this ridiculous style of whining and begging as a method for successful courtship by the male lead in films is all too common. One of the most destructive relationship myths perpetrated by moviemakers over the past several decades is this: if you pour your guts out, she'll fall in love with you. Confess your lovesick infatuation with her, tell her how you simply cannot live without her, and she'll be so impressed and flattered that her Interest Level will magically rise to match yours. Unfortunately, when a real man in the real world employs these strategies with a real woman, he comes out the loser, not the winner of her heart.

theories are from galaxy far away The sad thing is that there's no good reason on God's green Earth why the entire story of Attack of the Clones couldn't have been deeply inspiring and enlightening. It's supposed to be about a hero's journey of empowerment, conquering evil and winning the heart of the most beautiful, awe-inspiring woman in the Galaxy.

What an incredible opportunity George Lucas wasted, not only to entertain, but also to teach and inspire young men. All that technology, all that talent and all that money, and they can't come up with a credible, compelling story and a male lead who commands our respect? It boggles the mind! Wouldn't it have been wonderful if they actually had given the maledominated hordes of sci-fi fans a real hero as a role model? Hopefully they'll learn from their mistakes, but don't count on it. Remember guys; kissing up only works in Hollywood.

The Top 5 First-Date Blunders Dear Doc, I've been reading your column for a while now and it's made me much more aware of when my date is doing the right thing and when he's blowing it. Hopefully you won't label me as stuck-up when I tell you that I am a very attractive woman and I have absolutely no shortage of men who want to take me out. I go out on about two dates per week, on average. I have to tell you that it's very tough to find a guy who is a true gentleman and also a Challenge, as you say. I've had dozens and dozens of experiences where I'm initially quite attracted to and interested in a guy. I may even be very excited by the potential I see with him. But by the end of the first date, the guy usually takes himself out of the running, one way or another. This happens over and over again, and no, I'm not being unreasonable. These guys really need "The System." Last week I went out with a handsome professional athlete who, at first, seemed quite charming. But halfway into dinner, he started talking about what a "bitch" his ex-girlfriend was. When he asked me if I wanted to take a drive with him up the coast the following weekend, I told him that I couldn't because I had a previous engagement. He didn't have a clue that he did something to kill my Interest Level. Two nights ago I went out with a pilot, a very confident and sophisticated man. He was also quite articulate and had fascinating stories to tell about his world travels. But when he put his hand on my knee for the third time, I was ready to cry out, "Check please!" So Doc, I appreciate everything you're doing to teach men how to behave. I think that most of the guys that I'm encountering are basically good guys. All they need is some training. Maybe someday I'll find myself on a date with one of your students. That would be heavenly! Thanks for all your insight. Harriet -- who is frustrated but hopeful

doc love's answer Dear Harriet, It is a jungle out there in the dating world, and both men and women must proceed with caution. Some of the dangerous creatures that men encounter in that jungle are the professional daters, the gold diggers, the time-wasting flirters, the spoiled princesses, and the ball-busting feministas with chips on their shoulders. Are you screwing up your first dates? Find out... A sampling of the creepy creatures that women encounter in the Dating Jungle are the overly anxious, panting puppy dog, the misogynistic macho boy, the BS-spewing braggart, and the Wimpus Americanus. Anyone who dates a lot -- male or female -- will ultimately encounter the full cast of characters; and Harriet, it sounds as if you've probably met most of them.

doc love's training So look here guys, and I'm talking mainly to you newer readers who have yet to study and use "The System": You've got a lot of serious self-examination and character building to do. Or, as they say in the Navy, "It's time to shape up or ship out!" There are tons of great women out there who are dying to have high interest in you. You've just got to stop sabotaging the airliner of love before it gets off the ground. I'm going to make it real simple for you new recruits. Here are the top 5 things that you should never do on a first date. If you just get these first essential five and never learn anything else, you'll be way ahead of the pack. (For a comprehensive list of mistakes, see "The System.")

first-date don'ts 1- Do not touch your date. Don't grab her knee. Don't try to hold her hand. Don't squeeze her shoulder and don't put your arm around her. Men mistakenly think that if they initiate touching, it will somehow "prime the pump" and make the woman want to touch them . The opposite is true. The more you put your hands on her, the more it inhibits her. The wise man holds back and lets the woman do all the touching, if she is so inclined. The only way you can get a clear "read" is if you watch and wait without trying to manipulate her Interest Level. Check out the other four first-date don'ts...

2- Do not talk about other women. Don't talk about your ex-wives or ex-girlfriends. Don't talk about your wonderful platonic buddy "Sally" who is your jogging partner. Think about it. It's always a turnoff when a woman starts telling you things about some other guy in her life. Keep the romantic potential of your first date high by keeping other women out of the conversation. 3- Do not brag. Women have heard it all and they've heard it all a thousand times. Every time you start overselling yourself, you become less attractive. Let her slowly discover what a great guy you are. Rather than seeking approval and trying to impress her, allow her to experience you as an enigmatic Mystery Man whom she can't quite figure out. That will raise her Interest Level in a way that hearing about your various athletic or monetary accomplishments never will. 4- Keep the conversation light and positive. So often, men, without thinking and without even knowing what they're doing, lead the conversation into heavy, negative topics. There is no constructive reason for doing this. It's a bummer. It's a bring down. It's not romantic! Don't talk about terrorism or SARS or what a jerk your boss is. Don't recount the details of your last painful breakup. Lay off the heavy subjects! 5- Do not talk about sex. Women are sick of hearing about it. Every other guy talks about it, but you're not going to. You're going to be different. You're not going to try to impress her with what a sexy, sexual guy you are. You're not going to drop hints and make innuendoes in an attempt to signal to her that you're the greatest lover in the metropolitan Cleveland area. No. You're going to remain cool and classy. When you talk about sex on a first date, you attack her comfort level and why the hell would you want to do that? So there you have it, men. Now go out and field-test these suggestions on your next few dates and report back to me. Remember guys; if you do what's right, she can't get rid of you.

Do Compliments Raise Interest Level? Hi Doc, I'm a woman who has read your column several times on AskMen.com, and I have to compliment you on your incredible insight. As far as my romantic tendencies are concerned, you seem to know me better than I do! In one of your columns, you advised men not to compliment women too much. At first, I didn't agree with this, but after my date last Friday, I think you are dead-on. Here's what happened: I was getting ready for my third date with a man whom I had High Interest Level in.

The third date is important to me, as it's when men decide whether or not they want to move forward with a relationship. Since I really wanted a relationship with this guy, considering our first two dates went so well, I put a lot of effort into getting ready for our third date. You know how brides get transformed on their wedding day? I went to similar lengths. My girlfriend spent 45 minutes doing my hair and another 45 minutes applying my makeup. I wore an outfit that really accentuated my curves without being overtly sexual. I probably went from a "7" to a "9" in two hours. My efforts definitely got noticed. My date gave me at least 10 compliments during the course of the evening, on all aspects of my appearance. He seemed enraptured by me. What's so ironic is that this was exactly what I was hoping for, and, at the time, I enjoyed the compliments. Yet it eventually lowered my Interest Level in him and I really don't know why. Is it low self-esteem on my part?

mirror, mirror on the wall Logically, I want a man who compliments me, finds me beautiful, and is crazy about me. But honestly, I would have been much more turned on if he'd simply played it cool and maybe briefly commented on my appearance by mentioning that I looked nice. The next two times he called me, I was pretty distant and on the verge of being rude. Anyhow, I just wanted to share this with you because I'm sure many people question your advice and I wanted to validate what you've known all along. Is there any way that you could also write a column for women? You are extremely perceptive, and I'm sure you know a lot about what makes men respond to women, and what we do that lowers their Interest Level. There is a huge group of women who could use your advice. Paula -- who can't stand boot-lickers

doc love's answer Hi Paula, So, I seem to know you better than you know yourself. Well Paula, that's why they call me the first man in 6,000 years to understand women. You didn't agree with me at first because you had a knee-jerk reaction to my politically incorrect take on the mating dance. But when your own experience validated what I've been saying, you saw the light. I'm glad. What did Mr. Flattery do wrong? Find out...

the woman is the chooser You mentioned that the third date is when men decide whether or not they want to go forward with the relationship. Well, my love, that's an interesting thought, but you missed it again. The

third date is one of the many junctures where the woman decides whether to go further with the relationship or not. The man doesn't decide. He doesn't know where things are going until the woman informs him either subtly or not so subtly. The man merely shows up, often in a clueless state, and waits for the woman to give him, however she conveys it, a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Get it? And when you put all that preparatory time and effort into maximizing your strike power, it wasn't because it was your third date with the guy. Third date, shmird date. It was because your Interest Level in this guy was reaching critical mass. You were enthralled and you decided it was time to pull out all the stops. Ah, the power and inspiration of High Interest Level. See, Paula, I got you again.

here comes the bride The other dead giveaway of your extra high level of romantic interest in this guy was that you likened your personal beautifying efforts to that of a bride on her wedding day. Women make matrimonial references like that only when the guy they like is setting off the lovely chime of wedding bells in their ears. To you Psych majors: this is what women do when they don't have low Interest Level. Now we must move on to the sad part. Unfortunately, your guy allowed your stunning appearance to have too much of an impact on him, and so your romantic interest and level of respect for him irretrievably plummeted. You didn't know it, Paula, but you were testing him to see if he would lose it when you came on with the heavy artillery. You administered the test, and, sadly, he failed. Like most men, he couldn't control his mouth. You started to see him as a panting puppy who was too happy to be there. And by the way, your reaction of being dismayed by the excessive number of compliments from your date had nothing to do with your having a lack of self-esteem. Your reaction was healthy and appropriate. It's the person with low self-esteem who can never get enough compliments.

this guy needs a clue Whether you know it or not, Paula, you did the right thing by cutting this guy loose. Your Interest Level will never rise to the same level that it was prior to his blunders, even if he were to do everything right from now on, which he won't. If he calls again, which he will, make sure to tell him to study "The System" so that he can properly and successfully court the next woman he has a shot with. Will I ever write a column for women? Not likely. Women understand men. Women have all the advantages in the dating and mating game. It's men who need help. A lot of help.

Remember guys; before you open your mouth, ask yourself, "Is this going to help my cause?"

Why Do Some Hot Women Date Fat Guys? Dear Doc, I'm a good-looking, intelligent guy with a great body that I enjoy flaunting at the gym. Needless to say, I enjoy receiving attention and compliments from women without exerting any effort. What irks me, however, is that I sometimes see couples at the gym in which the women are babes and the guys are "doughboys." I love the challenge of diverting these particular women's attention away from their doughboys. So why would a great-looking woman date a lumpy guy with no class or obvious sex appeal? Is she insecure? Or is she intimidated by male beauty and therefore plays it safe? Why would a woman who takes care of herself want to risk having dumpy-looking kids? Sometimes I flirt with such women while their men are elsewhere, but I always start to feel sorry for the guys when that happens. One time, a woman even necked with me on an airplane for two hours, and then, upon arrival, introduced me to her husband. I would certainly consider pursuing such a woman from an attraction standpoint, but if she has the capacity to be disloyal like that, then I would rather not bother. Bart -- who would like you to comment

doc love's answer Hi Bart, Well, you've presented some interesting questions, but first I have to take you to task. Something about you seems a bit off kilter, namely: when you say you enjoy "flaunting" your body, you sound like a chick. If I were to look up the definition of "narcissist" in the dictionary, I know I'd find something like this: 1) A person who is excessively fascinated with his or her own appearance, and 2) A picture of Bart. Get over yourself and learn what it takes to succeed with women... Dude, you seem to be quite taken with yourself. But your preoccupation with your looks is clouding your vision. You say you love the "challenge" of diverting a hot-looking woman's attention away from her "doughboy." Let me ask you this, Bart; is there any reason for such a sleazy move, other than for your own ego gratification?

wake up, man! Your concept of the proper way to relate to your fellow human beings is rather, shall we say, immature and uncaring. This is where your mind goes when you're around your gym mates, getting off on trying to sabotage other people's relationships? You'd be better off spending your time either taking your workout seriously, or at least hitting on women who aren't attached. I'm not done yet. Let me give you a quote from one of the best-selling books in history: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Or, as my acupuncturist Dr. Lao would say, "This kind of action make much bad karma!" Why do these women choose a guy who isn't buff like someone such as yourself? Well Bart, although to you, looks are everything, to a lot of people, they're not. They're only part of the equation. What you fail to see is that Mr. Pie Man with the babe has other qualities that outweigh his lack of physical attractiveness. He may be incredibly talented, funny and fun to be with. Maybe he's extra confident with super high self-esteem and his woman finds those qualities more irresistible than anything. Maybe he's the best lover she's ever had. And you know, just because a woman is super hot, it doesn't mean that she's also super intelligent. Maybe Mr. Lumpy is extra brainy and she looks up to him because she has the brains of a ping-pong ball. Maybe she's in love and isn't thinking that her kids will turn out lumpy too, but rather that they'll have his brains and her good looks. Or, possibly, he's her father figure and makes her feel safe and secure, and feeling that way is her highest priority.

looks aren't everything A less noble reason that a woman might be with a flabby guy is that she could be a mercenary who is just using him for his money and she cheats on him with guys she meets on airplanes. Or, she could be insecure or intimidated by male beauty, two things that you mentioned Bart, and that would put her in the low self-esteem category. The Bottom Line Factor says that there are a variety of reasons why any one woman might be with a particular guy. You never know until you give her the intensive, comprehensive interview. But before I finish, Bart, allow me to remind you that eventually, your perfect body might no longer be so perfect and you'll find yourself wishing that you had found a woman who doesn't make physical appearance her highest priority. Take that idea as a jawbreaker and suck on it for a while. And if you don't want to wind up in a relationship with a woman who would be disloyal to you, then don't go around enabling women who have tendencies to be disloyal. To you Psych

majors, what goes around comes around. Remember guys; looks might get it going, but personality and attitude keep it going.

Can You Pressure A Woman Into Loving You? Dear Doc Love, I wanted to tell you that you have yet another woman in your corner. At first I was put off by the somewhat negative tone, but now I can appreciate your directness and humor. Your advice is great. I am writing to you because I wanted to say that the problem of "needy men" requires more discussion. I don't think that guys are getting the picture. No man wants to admit he is needy, especially if he has a very macho profession, so he dismisses the problem. I just broke off a yearlong relationship with a highly decorated former Navy SEAL because he was simply too needy and insecure. We met via a matchmaking service on the Internet. We spent several months talking on the phone and e-mailing each other before we met in person. (We live a great distance apart.) I ignored a few obvious "red flags" in the beginning. He told me that he loved me and thought we were soul mates before we ever met in person. We talked on the phone every day for hours upon hours. At first I thought he was really romantic. My friends warned me that this was largely fantasy, but I really wanted to believe that I had finally found "the One."

fantasy vs. reality Several weeks later, when we finally met in person, it was very difficult for me to fuse the "fantasy phone man" with the real person in front of me. He expected a grand romance, an instant physical connection. I was just getting used to the reality that there was this stranger in front of me that I knew only by phone. I was only somewhat attracted to him physically, but I liked him so much over the phone that I hoped he would grow on me. He immediately sensed that I was pulling back. Rather than let me process this new dynamic, he hounded me for daily affirmations of my love for him. He would pout if I did not sound totally enthusiastic to hear from him after his fifth telephone call in one day. I told him that I felt that we were going too fast and that I needed time for my feelings to catch up. Our woman of the hour tries to give this guy a clue...

He didn't understand that I could love him as a person (based upon our hundreds of phone hours), but not feel "in love" yet. I tried to help him understand. I even sent him links to your articles to give him some clues about the negative effects of saying "I love you" too much and being too needy. That backfired big-time. He just got offended and more hurt. We visited each other every other month. Although I tried my best to fall in love with him, something was missing. He would talk excitedly about marriage and children with me and I would try to share that vision, but I just didn't feel it. Finally I could not take it any more and broke up with him. He told me that I ruined his life and that I am a horrible person for having led him on. He then continued to call me every day, begging to get back together. He sent pleading e-mail to my family. He sent gifts. He even said that if he couldn't be my boyfriend, then he still wanted to be my best friend and talk to me every day. He then accused me of wanting a jerk over a "nice guy." That is so untrue. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times because I liked the fact that he was nice. But his "niceness" turned into desperation. Ugh. I finally had to block him. I feel like I hung in there much longer than most women would. I really gave him my best shot. What else could I have done? Lucinda -- who would love to hear your thoughts, Doc

doc love's answer Hi Lucinda, Great letter. Thank you. You've brought to light something very important. A guy can be as tough as a tank on the outside and still be a lost, little, whimpering boy on the inside. Think of the strength, the discipline, the stamina, and the endurance required of a man to become a Navy SEAL. It's extraordinary. I mean you have to be one tough, almost superhuman dude to make it. Only a very, very small percentage of men have what it takes. Most guys wouldn't get past the first orientation meeting. More than half of those who even get to try to become a SEAL, scrub out before they make the grade. So here's a guy with all that strength and all those survival and combat skills, and he's completely lost and useless when it comes to courtship. He's a winner on the battlefield but a total loser in love. But just as he was able to become an extremely competent, highly skilled soldier by undergoing proper training, so too can he become equally successful in love. Welcome to Doc Love's boot camp...

There is one place where men can go for the intensive training in deportment and courtship skills necessary to gain mastery in love relationships. That place is known as "Doc Love's boot camp for seekers of truth -- leave your ego at the door."

he's a lost cause Bless you, Lucinda, for your kind and courageous gesture of trying to acquaint this guy with "The System." Unfortunately, it seems that he's not ready to change, at least not now. He's uncoachable. He had the ball in his hand but he fumbled it, on purpose! My bible totin' Uncle Jethro Love would say that you were "Casting your pearls before swine." But let's not be too harsh on him. He may redeem himself someday. Never say never. Still, I must point out that this dude was really blowing it with you from the get-go. Before he had even met you in person, he was telling you he loved you. Geesh! He was in such a rush to seal the deal, I'm surprised he didn't propose marriage over the phone as well. Why wait? And of course, as all serious students of "The System" can see, he was spending way, way, way too much time on the phone talking with you. He was about as much of a Challenge as a tennis match with a 4-year-old.

too little, too late Lucinda, you could have avoided this disaster if you had listened to your own inner womanly wisdom that was speaking to you. Be honest with yourself. When Mr. War Hero raised those red flags that you mentioned, you knew right then and there, in your heart of hearts, that this puppy wasn't going to fly. You were in love with the idea of being in love but not with the man himself. You should have cut him loose while your relationship with him was merely telephonic. Instead, you drew it out; and things, as you might have expected if you were being objective, got ugly. I could end the analysis of this fiasco right here, but for the sake of decency, I have to berate this guy about one other thing. He deserves it. First he's so cloying and obnoxious that he leaves you no alternative but to break up with him. Then he accuses you of ruining his life and hounds you with phone calls begging you to get back together with him? He even sends pleading e-mail to your family! Classless moron! He's truly a lost soul. You can bet, as sure as Jimmy Dean loves pork sausage, that this loser will be repeating the same mistakes with his next love interest. Let's all pray for him. (I'm serious.) Next time around, Lucinda, be true to your inner voice and weed out the needy boys before you get involved with another one of them. Remember guys; neediness is unmanly.

Are Women Brainwashed? Hi Doc, One thing I've noticed since I've started using "The System" is that most women would rather be right than happy. I work in a small office with a lot of married women and so my social life is usually the topic of discussion because I go on a lot of dates. It's interesting how the women I work with have developed a "how dare he!" attitude toward me whenever I use a method that I learned from you. The day after a good first date, my female co-workers always ask me when I plan to call her again. "In about a week," I tell them, which always infuriates these women. They call me a "game player" or just plain old mean. Yeah, it's real mean to buy a woman dinner, make her laugh, and walk her to her door like a gentleman. They tell me I have to call her in a day or so and tell her what a good time I had and how I can't wait to see her again. When I refuse, they lose it. I get responses like, "How is she gonna know that you like her?" My favorite answer to that is, "Why in the world would I be taking her out if I didn't like her?" Ironic how it's women who will go out with a guy that they have no interest in, but in their minds it's the guy who must let the woman know how he feels about her from the start.

women give terrible advice I watch as my female officemates give advice to the other two single guys in the office. When that advice inevitably blows up in those guys' faces, the women never ever take responsibility for screwing things up for the poor saps. But hey, I have to say that those guys deserve what they get for asking women for advice about women. When I try to help these guys out, my female colleagues say, "Don't listen to him, he hates women! He hates marriage!" Well if I'm such a rotten guy and they are so happy in their marriages, then why are they so interested in my social life? I never mention that I am using "The System" -- they would crucify me if they knew. But I can't understand why they are so offended by what I do. I tell them that I am waiting a week to call to make myself seem more mysterious and intriguing to the women I date. Well, my female colleagues simply will not have it. These ladies have it all wrong...

female confusion

I asked the one single woman at the office if she would be interested in a man who applied my courting strategies. She said -- get this -- "Well yeah... but that doesn't mean he should do it." Say what?!? Has the "empowerment" of women really blinded them so much? Have Madonna and Oprah made it so important for a woman to be in control, that a guy is not allowed to do whatever it takes to make a woman like him more? Simply put: It's their own fault that they can't find a gentleman. They fall for these cheeseball guys who throw corny line after corny line at them. Then when the actions of these guys do not measure up to their sappy words, these women get heartbroken and become more guarded and vow never to let a man control them again. Women need to be reeducated more than ever. They need to take a look in the mirror and say, "There's nothing wrong with a man being a man." Only problem is, who's gonna tell them this? Oprah? Colin -- who wants your input on this topic

doc love's answer Hey Colin, The answer to your question is: yes. As goofy as it might sound to some, it's absolutely true that Oprah and Madonna have trained womenfolk to make being in control such a high priority that a guy, in their eyes, is not allowed to do whatever it takes to make a woman like him more. For a man to do anything as such is not only considered politically incorrect, but politically illegal. (Although this Orwellian standard seems to apply only to the male gender.) Apparently, it's perfectly fine for women to have their dozens and dozens of monthly magazines with covers touting articles such as: "Seven Secret Strategies to Make Him Fall Hopelessly in Love With You" and "Love Spells: Learn How to Have Him Wrapped Around Your Little Finger In No Time." But if a man employs any strategy other than "just be totally open and honest" to win a woman's heart, then he's a game-playing, deceitful, manipulative, womanizing, user-abuser who can't be blamed and shamed enough. (And I thought the women's movement was supposed to be about equality!) Give them what they don't know they want...

you're in the right You, Colin, have been unfairly exposed to intense criticism in your workplace for sharing that you deliberately do things to make the women that you date see you as more of a Challenge. But the flak that you've encountered would pale in comparison to what you'd experience if you were to share what you shared with a TV studio filled with female Oprah-ites. Can you imagine the venom that would be spewed at you if you revealed, on camera, that you always waited a week to call a woman back after your first date with her? I mean, they would be crying out to lynch you right then and there.

And here's the absurd thing: Those women have no comprehension that they want and need a man who uses "The System." You see, Colin, women are incredibly intuitive, so much more than men are, and yet amazingly, a majority of them are in denial about what motivates them in love. Most of Oprah's audience would dispute the value of Challenge and debate you on its efficacy till their last dying breath. Yet those very same women would and will give their hearts to a man who embodies Challenge. Pretty weird, huh?

it's their choice And as you mentioned, Colin, many, many women have been burned romantically due to their own poor choices. (Remember, it's women, not men, who do the choosing in relationships.) They've chosen the selfish jerks, the flowery flatterers, the vapid pretty boys, and the BSing braggarts over the less glittery good guys with heart and soul. So they're bitter, and they keep their hearts shut down as a way of protecting themselves. And when a woman is bitter, the idea of a man doing anything to empower himself in the courtship process is very threatening. So the truth is that many women would simply rather remain ticked off at men than be happy. They're addicted to being in control and yet they secretly yearn for a man of integrity who will take control and keep them guessing for a while. Their ticket out of this kind of no-win situation is to have the good fortune to date a man who is a serious student of "The System." That would be a consciousness- and heart-expanding experience that could woo the most bitter beauty, tame the shrewest shrew and melt the heart of the queen of the Amazons. (Yes, even Madonna.)

if you can't stand the heat... As far as your work situation goes, here's my advice to you Colin. You've shared enough about your dating strategies with the women in your office. It can be entertaining and educational to observe the responses of various females to Doc Love's controversial dating strategies, as long as you're willing to take the heat that goes along with it. But, as you've already surmised, if you were to share further details about "The System" with your female co-workers, they would, indeed, "go ballistic" on you. And why get yourself embroiled in conflict and controversy at the workplace? So next time they get in your face, just tell them what they want to hear, then smile and walk away. You don't need any more negativity from them. Remember guys; the key to women is Challenge, in spite of what everyone says.

Women Who Use Men Hi Doc, I was recently out on a date and during the course of our conversation, my date (who happens to be very attractive) mentioned that she has a lot of "friends" and that she "doesn't need a relationship." I just smiled, nodded my head and said, "Oh yeah? Tell me more." She proceeded to tell me that she has various male friends that do things for her and that the car she's driving now was a "gift" and so forth. I was able (thanks to your coaching) to translate her Womanese into the fact that she has a small army of wimpy guys for "friends" that she only keeps as her "friends" because they can either: 1) Do something for her. 2) Buy something for her. 3) Take her out somewhere. I just want to say, Doc, that had it not been for "The System," I probably would've joined her group of friends, only to be unappreciated and have nothing but an empty wallet to show for it. (She actually called me a few days later with a seductive damsel in distress tone to her voice, asking me to help her with something. I passed.) Please share this with your readers. I want you to help as many guys as possible avoid getting sucked into this loser's game. Thanks a million! Duncan -- who would like to hear your comments on this

doc love's answer Thanks Duncan, Although you almost never hear about it in the mainstream media, men should be aware that there is a significant percentage of women out there who have no ethical conflict whatsoever with the idea of using men for favors while motivating them with false hopes of intimacy. To you Psych majors, don't expect to see a show about this on Oprah . But let me make some distinctions here. There are different types of women who use men. Two of the most common are: Ovaria Mercenaria -- The Mercenary -- and her cousin, The Queen Bee. What's the difference between the two? Read on...

two types of women The Mercenary differs from The Queen Bee in that once she has picked out her mark -- a man who will provide her with enhanced social status, unlimited financial resources, and a life of leisure -- she will then give her body to him as her part of the bargain -- but not her heart. She must, however, convince her victim that she has fallen in love with him. That's a crucial part of the con. What distinguishes The Mercenary from The Queen Bee, is that there is, no matter how hollow and meaningless it may be, some tangible form of reciprocity given for the goodies that she gets. She does get intimate with her victim. (Although once a contract has been signed, i.e., marriage, the frequency of the intimacy often diminishes substantially.) The Queen Bee, on the other hand, who is the subject of today's article, usually has a collection of several different men who provide her with goods and services and to whom she never gives more than a peck on the cheek. Her guy pals get to be her butler, banker and/or Mr. Fixit, but none of them ever get to have a real relationship with her. This tempestuous temptress plays dumb and acts as if she has no idea that the various guys in her orbit are attracted to her, and are waiting and hoping that she will choose them to be her boyfriend. If she's ever asked about her relationship with one of them, she'll say, "Oh, he's a really great friend." When translated into English from Womanese, this means: "He's one of my stooges."

buzz her off The sick thing is that this is all perfectly fine with Ms. "Me." As far as she's concerned, they're all lucky enough to be spending time with her, and they deserve to pay for the privilege. They give. She takes. That's the relationship. She keeps 'em coming back for more by being as warm and sweet as sun-drenched honey on the outside. But her heart is as cold as a week old cadaver. One could argue that these guys who follow her bidding like indentured servants deserve what they get (or to be more precise -- what they don't get). But as my Cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "In the game of love, there are no victims, only volunteers."

don't let her looks fool you The problem is that these fellows have allowed themselves to be hypnotized into believing that their investment in time, money and energy is winning them points and helping to build the Queen Bee's romantic Interest Level in them. But the opposite is true. The more hoops these guys jump through, the more the Q.B. chuckles with contempt for them. (Some of them wake up and save themselves from more abuse after only a few months of servitude. Others

go on for years in a state of ignorance and denial like living zombies.) The way to deal with this dangerous darling is to never get involved with her to begin with, no matter how beautiful she may be. Walk away from her the way you'd walk away from a losing crap table in a Vegas casino. Yes, if you're an advanced student, you could use "The System" to play with her head, give her a taste of her own medicine, and get her to give you some respect. But here's the problem. You won't be able to change the essentially corrupt nature of her character, and you'd ultimately have to dump her anyway. You'd be much better off spending your time and energy courting a woman who is sweet and loving and giving. Duncan, it sounds as if you may have played the Queen Bee's chump in the past. But this time around, thanks to "The System," you did the right thing. As they say in Australia: "Good on ya!" Men, let Duncan's savvy handling of this situation be an inspiration to you all. Remember guys; if you don't play with the Queen Bee, you can't get stung.

5 Signs She's Interested In You Dear Doc, I'm back in the dating scene after a two-year relationship that recently ended. A few nights ago, I went out on a date with a woman that I met at a friend's wedding. Things seemed to go quite well on our date. We really clicked in a lot of ways and I would be thrilled to go out with her again. Throughout the entire date, she smiled at me a lot and was very sweet. But I couldn't tell if she was really attracted to me or if she was just being friendly. I guess what I'd like to know is this: how can I tell whether a woman is attracted to me or not after I've only spent two or three hours with her? Even if a woman is attracted to me, it's rare that she would just come right out and tell me on a first date. So Doc, how can I tell? Bradford -- who wants to know the signs

doc love's answer Hi Bradford, Wouldn't it be great to have a small monitoring device with a scale that went from 0 to 100, which gave you an instant reading of a woman's romantic Interest Level in you? As you

discreetly pointed it in her direction, you'd see the number right there: "82%" or "65%" or "0.3%." No more wondering, no more waiting. No more confusion, no more second-guessing. Think of what the human species might be able to accomplish with the time and energy saved. We could find a way to end starvation, maybe cure diseases or even figure out how Carmen made it into the top 10 on American Idol . Bradford, you are asking the perennial question that tens of thousands of guys painfully ponder every single day: "Does she like me? I know that I like her... She knows that I like her because I went through all that initiating and risk to get her out on a date. But does she really like me?" Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a Female Interest Level Readout Monitor. But there is something that can give you the same information almost as quickly. That something, of course, is "The System." On to the five signs of interest... Obviously you're a new reader, Bradford, and you're not yet able to have an understanding of the power and the elegance of my principles. So let me give you a few tips that will be extremely helpful to you and will also begin to give you an appreciation of the treasure trove of wisdom that you are now beginning to access.

5 signs say it all Here are the top five signs that you can look for to know if a woman is attracted to you when you first begin spending time with her: 1- She touches you. This is one of the most telling signs. In many instances you will find that the woman you're out on a first date with will not touch you at all. Why not? Because she's not attracted to you. But when you're out on a date with a woman who likes you, you will notice that, in most cases, she will find an excuse to physically touch you in some way during the date. Often it won't be a clearly obvious move like holding your hand or taking your arm as you both walk down the street together. That can happen, however, and it's a great sign when it does. More often though, the kind of touching I'm talking about will be something as seemingly insignificant as a tap on the shoulder from her or her knee "accidentally" bumping yours and lingering for an extra second before she withdraws it. If you end a first date with a woman, and she hasn't touched you in any way whatsoever during your entire time together, then chances are you're dead in the water. But if she even just tapped your shoulder once that night while laughing at one of your jokes,for instance,

then you're in play. If she tapped your shoulder three times during the evening and then grabbed your arm for a couple of seconds to guide you over to a book she wanted you to see while the two of you were browsing a bookstore -- then you're in the money! The more she touches you and the more often she touches you, the higher her Interest Level in you. 2- She compliments you. A woman who has high interest in you, even after only knowing you for an hour or two, will often give you one or more sincere compliments. And if there is a sparkle in her eye when she delivers the compliment, then you've got yourself a bona fide high Interest Level sign. 3- She exhibits genuine curiosity about you. A woman who has no romantic interest in you whatsoever will still ask you polite questions about yourself. "So where did you grow up? Where do your parents live? What kind of work do you do?" But a woman who really likes you will show a genuine, warm, curious interest in you. She'll want to know what makes you tick. She'll want to know what's important and meaningful in your life. As you look into her eyes, you'll be able to see the wheels turning as she's trying to figure you out. That's high interest. 4- She makes reference(s) to future activities together. You tell her that you're an avid rollerblader and in response she says, "I love to rollerblade! Maybe we could go rollerblading together sometime." 5- She gives you a nice kiss at the end of the date. At the end of your first date with a woman, you should always make a move for a lovely kiss. No big deal, just a kiss. The way that she responds to you as your lips move toward hers will give you crucial feedback. If she turns her head and gives you "The Cheek" before your lips can touch hers, then it's hasta la vista, baby . But if she responds warmly and enthusiastically kisses you back, then, dude, you've got a live one. Remember guys; you gotta hit at least four out of five.

Is Her Jealousy Justified? Doc, I have some female friends that I have lunch with every once in a while. These women have been friends of mine for years. Recently, however, my girlfriend and I had a big argument about my going to lunch alone with one of them.

I told my girlfriend that I am her man and that she has nothing to worry about since I am only a friend to these other women. My girlfriend disagrees, claiming that I am committing a form of "emotional infidelity" by having lunch with them.

she was losing it I told my girlfriend she was being unreasonable and controlling, and that she should trust me. She has met these other female friends of mine as well, so I do not understand why she feels so threatened. We do not flirt or get touchy-feely at all. In essence, I feel I should be able to go to lunch with anyone I want without asking my girlfriend for permission first. Am I being unreasonable? Am I disrespecting my girlfriend by having lunch with a female friend? These are long-time buddies of mine. It's not as though I'm taking them out on formal dinner dates either, it's just coffee and a bagel in between classes. Am I being a stubborn, pig-headed freak or is my girlfriend being obsessive, controlling and irrationally jealous? Leandro -- who is very frustrated

doc love's answer Leandro, Interesting predicament you're in there. One might easily jump to the conclusion that your girlfriend is, indeed, the bad guy in this situation. But we won't be doing a knee-jerk instant analysis here. Instead, we're going to take a cool, calm and leisurely stroll down the path of objectivity. Let's examine all the facts and ask some pertinent, probing questions so we can get to heart of the matter. Here are some of the crucial things we need to know... If you didn't have a girlfriend, would you want to date any of these girl friends of yours? Now if your honest answer to this question is "yes," then that means that there is something going on that your girlfriend should legitimately be concerned about. You could be in denial about the fact that you're keeping one or more of them on the line as "backup" in case things don't work out with your girlfriend. Secondly, even though you may not have any romantic attraction whatsoever to any of these women, do any of them have the hots for you ? Would any one of them be coming after you if your girlfriend wasn't in the picture? If the answer to either of these questions is "yes," then once again, your girlfriend's concerns gain legitimacy.

the plot thickens

You mentioned, Leandro, that you got into an argument with your girlfriend after going to lunch with one of these women in particular. Since women are so much more intuitive than men are, your girlfriend may have tuned into something that you have been oblivious to. To you Psych majors, she smells a rat. This one gal may be subtly "working" you, planting seeds that she hopes will sprout in the future. If so, well, that's a problem, and you have to clean it up. You can't complain about your girlfriend's jealousy when she has good reason to be. Now, if the reality is that none of these girls has any romantic designs on you at all and you wouldn't date any of them under any circumstances, then we must put the responsibility for the disharmony in your relationship in your girlfriend's lap.

or is she irrational? Yes, Leandro, if everything here really is kosher, then your girlfriend is being obsessive, controlling and irrationally jealous; behavior that's based on her own lack of self-esteem. Also realize, Leandro, that if this is indeed all your girlfriend's problem, then you'll be having more arguments with her in the future about the same issue. Ask yourself: "If this is the way she is, can I live with it long term or will she eventually drive me out of my tree?" So you've got some serious detective work to do here; work that I can't do for you, Leandro. But if you use all these tools I've given you, you'll get to the truth and you'll know what to do. Remember guys; if your girlfriends are really just girl friends , then your girlfriend should keep her mouth shut.

Should You Ever Tell A Woman Off? Dear Doc, I have a question about how to end a date that's headed south -- and not in a good way. Let's say you're out with a woman that you've already spent some time with and you follow "The System" the entire time. Then, at the end of the evening, you go in for the kiss and she turns away. That, of course, indicates that she was never interested. And if this happens, Doc, you advise men to remain cool and not get uptight. You say it's best to just go home, throw her number away, move on to the next adventure, and not bother making her aware of how dishonest she's been. Here's my question: why not just say, "Why did you waste my time and jerk me around like

this?" Or, "I think it's best that I tear up your damn phone number now!" I mean, why beat around the bush? Why not just tell her off? Let her know that you're not buying into her little shell game. You might add in something more like, "Do you do this with all your dates? No wonder you're not married!" Now, I know you're over there saying, "You have to be a gentleman." Well, yeah, sure. But if you're never going to see her again, why not just let her have it? What do you say Doc? Nate -- who wants to tell it like it is

doc love's answer Hi Nate, I understand the impulse to want to verbally strike back at a woman who has knowingly misled you. You think, Man, she should have to burn a little bit here. She needs to know that there are consequences for such offensive behavior. Maybe she just doesn't get it. I've gotta make her understand how she dissed me. She needs a dose of her own medicine, damn it! Etc., etc. But as you've already surmised, Nate, I do not recommend going down this path, and I'll tell you why. What we've got here is a professional tease...

you were dating a stripper But before we go on, let's be clear about who and what we're dealing with here. Who is this woman who engenders such rage and frustration? As you long-time readers know, I call her the Professional Dater (PD). The PD is a woman who accepts and goes out on dates with men she has no romantic interest in whatsoever. She enjoys the all-expenses-paid night out on the town with door-to-door car service. She enjoys being wined and dined. She enjoys getting attention and compliments from yet another male suitor. She delights in the feeling of being wanted by various guys who will do anything to get close to her (like a stripper who really feeds off her job.) And... she's a self-centered, self-serving user who's only showing up for her own pleasure and entertainment. She has no regard for the feelings of any of the men she exploits. She's morally and ethically corrupt.

she's a real pro

But because the PD has such finely honed flirting skills, it's darn near impossible to tell that you have one of these deceitful divas on your hands until you've spent three or four hours with her. Fortunately, by using my principles, you can weed her out by the end of one date. Normally it might take you three or four dates, or even more before you finally discover that you have a PD on your hands. Now, on your quest to find the woman of your dreams, Nate, you're going to have to do a lot of dating; and if you do a lot of dating, you will have numerous encounters with PDs. They are not a rare breed. The dating jungle is filled with them. Here's the point: whether you run into one or 100 different PDs, it's not your job to be their daddy and try to teach them the error of their ways. If their own fathers didn't teach them to be respectful toward men, why should you try to take on the task? It requires too much energy expenditure, and a PD simply does not deserve any more of your time and energy. What you need to do is keep your own karma clear and clean, bow out gracefully, and maintain a positive attitude and energy flow. To you Psych majors; just because she's a low-life, doesn't mean you should be one too.

just let her go Here's another point. When you start investing time and effort in having her understand how terribly wrong she is and how righteously right you are, then you're just getting yourself emotionally hooked into her. Needing her to "get it" is still needing something from her, and why would you want to put yourself in that position? One other thing to keep in mind is that if you start bad-mouthing her and putting her down, it not only makes you look bad, but it also gives her ammo to use against you. For instance, you might say, "You're nothing but a lying skank who hates men!" That then gives her the opportunity to say something like, "I knew you weren't a nice guy. Now do you see why I didn't want to kiss you?" In an instant you can find yourself on the defensive before you even know what happened. So don't put yourself at risk. Take the highroad. Stay cool and centered. Besides, you might see her again in a social context in which you wouldn't want her to be saying anything bad about you to others. Don't give her any motivation to want to whisper negative things in the ear of another woman you meet, say, at a party she's attending.

always be cool If you're having trouble with this concept of staying cool, Nate, think of it this way: if you were to run across a rattlesnake on a mountain path that was coiled and ready to strike, you wouldn't get in its face and tell it that it shouldn't be so hostile. No, you would calmly and cooly disengage from contact and get out of its way.

And if you need to vent about what a two-faced, no-good scumstress your ex-date is, then do it with your buddies. Rail and rant and rave to them all you want about how she did you wrong. Get all the resentment out of your system, release it and move on. Remember guys; you always want to display class.

Are Women Hypocrites Concerning Looks? Hi Doc, I subscribed to one of those Internet dating services and posted my photo, along with a fairly comprehensive personality profile of myself. After getting no real action for some time, I decided to run a test. Yes, Doc, I did the morally reprehensible thing and substituted a photo of a much better-looking man for my own. The results were alarming. A number of women immediately responded with some of the real "lookers" proclaiming their love, even after the exchange of only a few lines of text. Never in my regular life as a decent, honest, and hardworking man had I ever received such attention. It shook me to the core of my being like nothing else. Such love was freely offered to the better-looking man. Funny that he had the same personality as me. I guess that doesn't matter though. Anyway, I'd be very interested in any thoughts you might have about all this, Doc. Kenneth -- who thinks it's all pretty unfair

doc love's answer Howdy Kenneth, Your experience reminds me of that of another one of my students. Let's call him Bill. Bill is an average-looking guy. On a scale of one to 10, most women would probably give him a seven, at best. But as far as personality goes, Bill is a 10. He's very intelligent, funny as hell and a genuinely good-hearted guy. Every Sunday, Bill goes to a non-denominational Science of Mind type church in L.A. This particular church has a very charismatic minister and a kick-ass choir that is always accompanied by a rhythm section of world-class studio musicians. It's a very hip, happening kind of scene with a certain edge of glamour to it. Most Sundays you will find two or three celebrities in attendance among a congregation of several hundred people.

babes abound to pray As you might expect with such a scenario, the place is stocked with an abundance of babes. But even though these girls are spiritually oriented, they've still got a bit of that L.A. "attitude" thing going on.

They tend to be somewhat guarded and standoffish when guys try to connect with them. Many of the most attractive women there leave as soon as the service is over rather than stay for coffee, muffins and socializing, during which they might have to deal with grabby guys who want a "friendly" post-service hug from them. Bill was cool, but then Lance came along...

bill had the spirit Now Bill attends these services, primarily for the inspirational and spiritual benefits that he derives. But naturally, he's not oblivious to the potential there for meeting women. The thing is, however, that even though he's been a member of the congregation for over a year and a half, he has never gone out on a date with one woman that he's met at his church. He's had nice conversations with several women there that he's gotten to know over time, but he's never gotten any romantic buying signals from any of them.

then lance came along One day, not too long ago, Bill brought his friend Lance to church with him. Lance, who had never been there before, is about 6'2" with long, thick hair down to his shoulders. He looks like a Viking king who now earns his living doing Calvin Klein underwear advertisements. After the service that day, Bill asked Lance if he enjoyed his experience there. Lance said to Bill, "Yeah, the minister is great and I loved the music. But what's with the women here? They're so aggressive! I've been hit on three times since I got here. One girl wouldn't let me go until I wrote down her phone number!" Yes, Lance was complaining. Moments later, one of the real beauties of the congregation who had never even smiled at Bill once since he'd been going there, walked right up to Lance and said, "Hi! Are you new here?" As you might imagine, Bill's mouth dropped open in disbelief.

that's how it feels So, Kenneth, both you and Bill had similar experiences, and both of you had similar responses to it: utter shock. Why? Because the behavior of these women was completely contrary to the values that the sisterhood of womenfolk espouses. When asked about what qualities are most important in a potential mate, most women will tell you that a sense of humor and intelligence are at the top of the list. And according to the majority of women, it's men who care most about how a woman looks and least about her personality.

But as every good student of "The System" knows; in order to get to the truth, we look at people's actions primarily, rather than their words. And in this case, here's the obvious conclusion that we must arrive at: Women are motivated by looks just as much as men are, regardless of what they say. They overlook personality in favor of physical appearance, exactly as men do. Women's shaming of men for being looks-obsessed is a bunch of hypocritical hogwash.

what does the average ken do? All right, Kenneth, so how does an average-looking guy deal with all this? Yes, it's easy to feel bitter and frustrated. It's easy to feel resentful, but none of that is helpful. If you, Kenneth, had the face and body of Bill's friend Lance, then you'd have legions of beautiful women coming after you. But you don't , and you will never get the kind of attention from women that Lance does. That's reality, so don't fight it. You are who you are and you have to work with the cards that God dealt you.

put the pic back If you're going to continue using Internet dating services as a resource for meeting women, then you should, of course, put your own real photo back with your profile. Have some of your friends and family give you some objective feedback about the picture that you were using. Does it represent you at your best, or is it of poor quality? It's always best to have a professional shoot your photo for you. With a better photo of yourself, you may start getting a measurably improved response rate. If changing your photo doesn't help, then the Internet just ain't your niche. You have to find your niche . It may be Sierra Club hikes, dance classes or psychic fairs where the women outnumber men five to one. Just keep swinging, Kenneth, till you get a hit. Remember guys; you have do the best you can with what you've got.

Avoid Becoming Her "Friend" Hey Doc, I'm sure you get tons of questions like this, but I need some good pointers.

I've known this woman for a year; I ran into her every so often on campus and we would talk casually. Then one day, my buddy hands me her phone number. She gave it to him and asked him to have me call her, so I did. It took awhile, but we finally got in touch. We talked on the phone quite a bit for a few weeks and then I ran into her at a local pub. While there, after a few bottles of liquid courage, I asked her, "So do you think we could ever date?" She said, "Yeah, I think that's possible." She also said, "I really like you for your mind," which surprised me. I've never had a woman tell me that before. Since then, we've talked a lot more on the phone and have been hanging out together quite a bit. We've had in-depth conversations about family, growing up, our backgrounds, and our life goals and dreams. We get along fantastically and laugh a lot whenever we're together. Anyway, on to the meat of the problem...

the heart of the matter We were talking about a rather serious issue the other night and I told her that I'm there for her, and that even if it's 4 a.m., she can call me for support. So she stops and says, "I really enjoy talking to you and am having fun getting to know you more, and I want to continue getting to know you more, but I want to take it slow and take my time. Do you understand what I am telling you?" I told her that I understood and that it was cool. So what I want to know is, is there good potential here, and how do I go about keeping her interested in me and make sure that it's going to develop into a relationship all at the same time? I think she's really special and I want this to go in the right direction. I don't want to put in all this time only to have this relationship develop into another friendship with a pretty female -- I already have plenty of those. Give me what you got, Doc. Donovan -- who needs to know if he's on the right track

doc love's answer Hi Donovan, Your friend wants to take it slow? Donovan, if you took it any slower you'd be in a state of rigor mortis. I mean, dude, if you laid back any further you wouldn't be breathing. But let's start at the top. You knew this woman for a year and you never asked for her phone number. What were you waiting for, a sign from the heavenly hosts? Luckily for you, she had such a high Interest Level (at least initially) that she did your job for you and got the ball rolling. If she hadn't, the two of you would still only be chitchatting during accidental encounters on campus.

Where else did Donovan go wrong? Find out...

forget the phone Then, once you had her number, you talked with her on the phone for "a few weeks" and never asked her out. Donovan, you have about as much gumption as a slug. But unfortunately, this story gets even worse. Even after the alcohol cut down the fear factor for you, you came up with one of the weakest, most wimp-assed, wussified ways of asking a woman out that I've ever heard of: "So do you think we could ever date?" No wonder she responded so half-heartedly and then gave you that, "I really like you for your mind" line. "I really like you for your mind" is Womanese for "not if you were the last man on the planet." After that, you went back to your favorite addiction: the phone. I think, Donovan, that I'm going to have to rename you Mr. AT&T. Listen, you've got to wean yourself from this telephonic crutch, guy. Of course, considering your state of ignorance, what I just said may not make much sense to you. Please allow me to explain. The telephone is a technological device that is, in the context of wooing women, only to be used to set up your next date. You should only spend five minutes max on that sucker and then get the hell off the line. Yes guys, beware. Talking on the phone is dangerous. It's like juggling with nitro. One slip and the next thing you know, things are blowing up in your face. Never have an extended chat-fest on the phone with a woman you are courting. Or as my Cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "The less she knows about you, the more she'll want you."

no sign of life Donovan, I regretfully must inform you that, as far as romance goes, your relationship with your girl friend is DOA. If you just take your head out of the sand and take an objective look at the facts, you'll understand what I'm talking about. Look, there you were, offering her unconditional love and support in her time of emotional stress and at that very moment, she drops a whammy on you! A woman with high Interest Level would have hugged you warmly and thanked your for your commitment and support. But what does this woman do? She tells you, in Womanese, that she wants to distance herself from you. As Shakespeare would say, "Something's rotten in the state of Denmark."

add another friend to your list Donovan, you say that you don't want to put a lot of time into this relationship, only to have it develop into "another friendship with a pretty female" because you have plenty of those. Well, Donovan, as far as I can see, you don't seem to have any problem putting unlimited time into it. It took you a year to go out with her. You've talked on the phone with her for weeks and weeks, and have spent hours and hours with her. And as far as I can tell, you haven't even tried to kiss her. But at this point, to try would be an exercise in futility. And the last bit of bad news, Donovan, is that what you have here is "another friendship with a pretty female." This is your life. This is your pattern with women. You stay as passive as you can, terrified of risking any kind of rejection, and you don't let women see the real man that you are. We've got to start building your confidence and raise your testosterone level. Please, for the love of Pete, start studying and practicing "The System." If you do, soon you'll no longer be playing the role of butler, therapist and "Mr. Shoulder to Cry On" in your relationships with women. Instead you'll be gettin' some real action. Remember guys; don't volunteer to be the victim.

Apply "The System" To Speed Dating Hi Doc, For several months I have enjoyed reading your weekly columns. I would like to make a small contribution to all Doc Love readers if I may. I know that there are a lot of new students to "The System" who may get discouraged when they try Internet dating. I like to call Internet dating the "rat race." Why? Because I've discovered that, on the Internet, in the 26 to 40 age group, there are usually about seven men for every one woman. This means that a woman has more men to "choose" from than she will ever date.

even the odds An important key for the man who is new to your principles, is to only go places where the odds are at least even, otherwise he'll quickly get discouraged.

One new dating phenomenon I discovered that actually seems to be working in men's favor is "speed dating." It's something that appears to be popping up all over the country. Speed dating gives men and women a quick few minutes to meet potential new romantic partners. I was skeptical at first, thinking, Oh great! I have to get to know if I like a woman in less than three minutes and there are surely going to be more men than women there, like usual. Well, the reality was far different from my preconceptions. The four different speed dating events that I participated in were more like 65% women and 35% men. Not bad, huh?

systematic speed It's tough to get a good read on another person in less than three minutes, but if one applies your principles in the speed dating situation, Doc, it can be a favorable and enjoyable experience. Some of the guys I've seen at these speed dating events are very nervous, wondering how they're going to make a good impression on that good-looking woman. Little do they know that all they need to do is study and master "The System". But anyway, Doc, I think that speed dating, overall, is a fun and easy way to meet and check out a lot of different women without having to do much work at all. You certainly don't need to do much driving. I guess what I'm saying is that, as far as time and money go, it's very cost effective. So what do you think, Doc? Chad -- who wants to spread the word

doc love's answer Hi Chad, Thanks for sharing your experience and your insights. Here are some things to keep in mind if and when you plan to participate in a speed dating event... Take charge of the conversation You have only three to five minutes initially. So smile, and keep it light and positive. Stay off any heavy subjects and try to crack a couple of good jokes if you can. Ask her interesting questions about herself, not the usual clichd ones that every other guy will be asking. In fact, make it a policy that you will not ask her any questions like the standard, "So what do you do?"

Instead, be different. Be clever. Try to work in a taste of the kind of zany and outrageous things that Jim Carrey might say or do. And then, carefully observe how she responds to your playfulness and humor. It will tell you a lot about your compatibility and chemistry with her. And by the way, if she happens to start in with some of those heavy, inappropriately personal questions (you know the ones: Have you ever been married? Why not? What's your salary? How many kids do you want to have? What kind of a relationship do you have with your mother?), don't get flustered, pressured or intimidated. Simply use humor once again to diffuse the situation. Remember; this isn't a courtroom. It's supposed to be an easy, fun and leisurely way of getting to know people. Observe whether she asks questions about you If she doesn't ask you anything about yourself, you're dead in the water. But don't despair. It's only three minutes before you move on to the next speed date participant. So if she obviously has no Interest in you, crack a quick, vaguely facetious joke, or just say anything to get her to laugh. Make the best of it by asking her something like, "So do you have any girlfriends for me?" Make sure you don't fail her test Some women will wear very revealing, low-cut blouses to test you. They'll want to see if you'll pant and drool, and lose self-control. Don't fall into this trap. Remain a Challenge. Look only into her eyes and remember to smile when you do. You'll gain points by not reacting, especially because every other guy will be ogling her. Keep track of the ladies After each speed dating event, keep track of each woman you interacted with and those you sensed had high Interest Level in you. Also, objectively assess your own level of interest in each of them.

you've got mail Soon you will receive an e-mail with the results of the event. When you get the results, do not e-mail or immediately call any of the women who have picked you. Follow "The System" and wait a week to call. All the other guys she said "yes" to will call her immediately and set up dates as quickly as they possibly can. Let them! Their low level of self-control will take them out of the running in no time.

the hottie didn't pick you If there was a hot woman there that you really liked but the e-mail results revealed that she did not choose you, and you still think that you want to see her again, do not attempt to contact her. You are seriously wasting your time.

She may be drop-dead gorgeous and she may ring your bell like a fire alarm. But if it ain't there, it ain't there. And no trick or hypnotic strategy is going to make the magic happen.

no one picked you If, for some reason, you received an e-mail indicating that none of the women you chose at the speed dating event wanted to see you again, don't get discouraged. Go back and replay Doc Love's CDs, reread "The System," or, as my Uncle Jethro Love would say: "Boy, you gotta get yourself back up on that there saddle and take another crack at it." Remember guys; winners don't quit.

When Is A Broken Date Not Bad News? Dear Doc, Hi, my name is Ryan and I've been studying and practicing your principles for the last year and a half, with the dedication of a law school student who's determined to graduate at the top of his class. I love the truth, and I recognize it when it's staring me in the face. Doc, as far as understanding women goes, I am convinced that you are the Master. Every single page of your Dating Dictionary is filled with profound wisdom, wisdom that should be part of the interpersonal relationships curriculum for young men in every high school and college in America. The truth you've brought to my awareness has set me free. I will never go back to my old habits that only kept me in perpetual confusion and rejection. I cannot thank you enough for the contribution you've made to my life. Because I've been practicing and applying "The System" so diligently for over a year now, I have been able to successfully court, connect with and establish an amazingly positive, loving and fun-filled relationship with a wonderful woman named Cynthia. We've been going out for over eight months now, and during that entire time she has never once done or said anything that you, Doc, would call a "Red Flag." She's a sweet, loving giver with high integrity and a low-maintenance attitude.

she's perfect, but... Here's the little glitch I ran into with her last week. As I said, Cynthia has never given me any kind of problem. She never pouts, never nags, and never criticizes. She always keeps her

word. She always shows up on time. She's a great cook. I could go on and on about all her wonderful attributes. But last week, an hour and a half before I was supposed to pick her up for a dinner date at one of the nicest new restaurants in town (it took me three weeks to get the reservation), she called and canceled, or as you'd say, Doc, she "broke the date." This was something she has never done before. Her excuse? Her dog Fido (yep, that's his real name) began limping in a "strange way" and she needed to take him to the vet "immediately" to find out what was wrong. The thing is, Cynthia didn't say she was sorry or suggest another night when we could go for dinner. She was just very abrupt and said she had to go, and then hung up. This was very unusual behavior for her and it left me a bit baffled. So Doc, what happened? Did I do something wrong? I know what a big deal you make out of broken dates. Did I miss a red flag back in the earlier stages of our relationship? Or, does it really just mean nothing because we have so much time "in" together? Please help! I need some perspective. Ryan -- who is absolutely baffled

doc love's answer Hi Ryan, Well, I'm glad to hear that you're so dedicated in your study of my principles. And it's good that you have such a deep appreciation of the profound signifigance of a woman breaking a date. Here's the deal: If Cynthia had pulled this "my doggy's sick" number on you at the last minute during your first couple of months of courtship, then you would have had to blow her off, rip up her phone number and flush it down the commode. So where does Ryan stand with this woman? Find out...

give her another chance As you probably already know, Ryan, in the context of a new relationship where deep trust has yet to be built, such recklessly rude behavior on a woman's part would have spelled nothing but disaster. 99.9% of the time, when a woman throws you a curveball like that in the early stages of dating, it is indeed a Big Blazing Red Flag, and it's nothing to be taken lightly. After committing such a serious transgression, a woman can redeem herself and put herself back in the game only by doing something extra-extraordinary. To you psych majors: she has to suck up to you, big time. She would have to, for instance, insist on driving over to your house, prepare a five-course gourmet dinner and then massage you from head to toe for a couple of hours as an obsequious plea for forgiveness and understanding (of course, this type of thing happens only once in a

hundred cases, and that may still be too high a number). But because you've had eight solid months of love, trust and affection with this gal, we must look at this particular situation in a different light. In this case you're not going to cut her off, Ryan. Yes, you're going to cut her some slack.

it's puppy love I think that Cynthia was in a highly emotional state when she called you and was sincerely worried about her little doggy. To her, Fido is like her child. That's the way most Americans relate to their canine companions, which is very different from the way that some folks in other parts of the world do, where stir-fried puppies are regularly offered on the lunch menu at many fine restaurants. You mentioned, Ryan, that Cynthia is a flexible gal. Well, now it's your turn to be flexible. Let's not look at this episode as a red flag. She did nothing wrong, and you did nothing wrong. My advice is to just forget about it and move on. You have too much quality time in with this lady to make a big deal out of this. To do so just wouldn't make sense. Now, if this kind of behavior on her part starts becoming a pattern, so that every three or four weeks she slams you with another whammy, then you've got trouble in paradise. But for now, Ryan, stay cool and don't drive yourself crazy trying to analyze the meaning of the "Fido Emergency Freakout." No, just enjoy your great relationship with Cynthia. If you get a red flag down the road, then you'll deal with it when and if it comes. But don't walk around anticipating something negative. Remain positive and enjoy the great relationship that you have. Remember guys; if you love her dog, she will love you.

5 Reasons To Dump Your Date Hey Doc, I've been following "The System" for quite some time now, and I have to say that you really do know your stuff. I've had more dates in the last three months than I did in the last three years prior to studying your relationship principles. I always had an abundance of opportunities with women; I just had no clue that I was doing so many inappropriate things that were turning all these women off before things even got off the ground. I'll admit that I have a preference for very beautiful women. Just about every one of the 20 or so different women I've dated in the last few months have all been no less than an 8.5 or so on

the beauty rating scale. I'm not bragging; most of them have been high 9's or even 10's. (I guess my ability to pull in the beauties has a lot to do with the way I look.)

it's hard to maintain beauties I know that, as you say, the more beautiful a woman is, the more troublesome and high maintenance she tends to be. Well I'm here to attest to the truth of that. I guess my problem is that I get these obvious warning signs (or red flags, as you call them) from so many of these women indicating that they are trouble and not long-term relationship material. Nevertheless, I hang in there rather than dump them at the first warning sign because I'm so beguiled by their beauty. My mind seems to tell me something like, Okay, so this is the third time in a row that she's shown up more than a half hour late but, well, so what? Look at her. She's a knockout and she's with me, right here, right now. And given all the other women and men in such establishments who are looking at me with such envy and respect, getting all this admiration and approval kind of makes it all worth it. But naturally, after a few more times of the same rude BS, I drop her because I get fed up. But then I move on to the next beauty on my list, and then, of course, I have to deal with her particular attitude problem. Man, I'll tell ya Doc, it is so hard to find a real looker who doesn't give you a hard time or try to bust your chops in one way or another. I guess what I'm asking for is a kick in the pants and a pep talk on the main signs to look for that spell trouble when dating a beautiful woman. Also, I'd like some extra inspirational information that would explain why it's best to move on immediately once a woman reveals her unacceptable character flaws. Any feedback would be awesome. Thanks Doc. Randolph -- who just wants to be happy Oh man, does Doc have a few words for Randolph...

doc love's answer Hey Randolph, There are a lot of guys out there who wouldn't mind having your problem. It certainly is an ego rush to go out with one hot babe after another. And if variety is the spice of life, then I'd say that you've got more condiments than Wolfgang Puck.

But as your experiences in the dating trenches have taught you, Randolph, when it comes to being in a long-term committed relationship, the attitude of your potential partner is everything. A couple of weeks of consistent nagging and whining from a 10 and, as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "Soon enough, sonny boy, she ain't a 10 no more." In fact, by the time it gets to that point, you don't even care what her rating is or was. All you want to do is get her out of your space. You've got so many opportunities and so much "raw material" to work with that I know I can upgrade your relationship satisfaction level with just a bit of fine-tuning. But you are going to have to be committed to straightening up and flying right. No more knowingly doing the wrong thing just to have a fleeting thrill.

you're number one The key for you, Randolph, is that you have to make your own integrity more important, rewarding and meaningful to you than your addiction to beautiful women. You need to make a real commitment to always do the right thing and to not even start down that path of dabbling with danger and delusion when you see it laid out before you. Turn around and walk on, my brother. Tell yourself that never again will you compromise your integrity. All right. Since you are a student of "The System," you probably (and should) know all of this already, but I'm giving you what you asked for: a kick in the pants, an inspirational pep talk to lead you to the truth rather than temptation. (As my cousin Brother Love would say, "Lead us not into temptation, sayeth The Lord.") So take this to heart. That said, here are the top five reasons to dump your date: 1- She's not a giver She's not considerate or helpful. She doesn't help you carry the grocery bags upstairs. She doesn't bring a bottle of wine along to contribute to the picnic dinner. She's all "Me, me, me." One of the dead giveaways: she's overly concerned with material things. To you Psych majors: she loves overpriced jewelry. Joyful giving of herself, her time and her energy is just not part of her language. There's no good reason to have a second date with one of these gals. Four more reasons for you to show her the door... 2- She has no integrity She doesn't keep her word. You can't count on her. She's consistently, chronically tardy. She "fibs" a lot and makes things up to satisfy her own little agenda, thinking that you won't get it or at least will let things slide. She even makes up whoppers when she doesn't need to. To you Psych majors: she's a pathological liar.

Yup, she's got some serious character problems. So it's best to weed this woman out of your garden of lovelies as quickly as you can. And I don't care if she looks like an Elle magazine cover girl. Lose her. 3- She's inflexible You want to take her to the beach, and she doesn't want to go because the wind might mess up her new hairdo. Doing anything that takes her out of her comfort zone is threatening to her. She can't handle any kind of spontaneity. She won't change her agenda to fit in with yours. As far as she's concerned, you're the one who's supposed to rearrange your plans to fit her needs. To you Psych majors: she's a control freak. 4- She's a complainer & a nag You can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. "Why do you always...? Why can't you ever...?" are two of her favorite questions to ask. She has no concept of the value of building up a man's ego. She couldn't do it if you paid her 50 grand just to fake it. Deep down she's not a happy person, and she wants to bring you down to her unhappy level. Ironically, many of these nagger-type girls think that they are being helpful and constructive when they do their number and have no clue that they are actually pushing men away. (Of course, the more beautiful a nagger is, the easier it is to find guys who will tough it out, just to be around her. Now, you wouldn't want to be one of those kinds of chumps, would you, Randolph?) Who cares about how she got to be the way she is? Let her work it out with her therapist. It's not your job to try to fix her. 5- She's not fun to be with The package looks perfect. She's a knockout, and she knows how to dress to impress. She doesn't really seem to have any particular troublesome character traits either. But when you're out with her, you just don't seem to really have fun. You find yourself working too hard to keep the conversation going. She just doesn't "get" your jokes. This is another losing situation that can be quickly perceived, evaluated and terminated.

the great fast The last suggestion I would make to you Randolph, to help wean you from your addiction (and you must truly admit to yourself that you are an addict for this to work), is to put yourself on what I call a superbabe "fast." For the next three months, go out only with women who are high 7s or less. Do it as a righteous discipline that is going to teach you things about yourself that you never knew. When you report back to me after this 90-day period, I'm certain that you'll have some very interesting things to share. Remember guys; it's okay to leave first, honest!

Is E-Mail Anti-Challenge? Dear Doc Love, I can't begin to thank you for your advice. Before studying "The System," I never realized how much women walked all over me. I'm an average-looking guy but I'm now going out with above-average-looking women, thanks to your coaching. I'm currently in a graduate school in Boston, which is filled with babes. My graduate program is 80% female, which definitely works in my favor. For a couple of months, I set myself up to be a Challenge. I would throw in a funny comment during class discussions every once in a while. When the girls were in the hallways during breaks, I would stop, say something funny and walk away. I could hear them saying how funny I was when I was within earshot. After class, I would always be the first to leave. After a while, one of my male classmates told me that a good portion of the women in my program often talked about me in a positive way. Eventually, I did go in for the kill and asked for home phone numbers, and went out with a couple of ladies in the program. No big romances, but I had a lot of fun and saw how your relationship rules were reinforced. It's summer now, and without class to bring us together, there is less opportunity to meet women face to face to ask for home numbers. Because we are in a college setting, e-mail is the popular method of communication. I recently e-mailed a girl in the department, and said that we should go out sometime and asked for her home number. She e-mailed me back with her home number, work number, address, work schedule, and even the best times to call her. Like you always say, Doc, when they're interested, they make it easy. I'm still going to wait a week before calling her, but how often should I e-mail her? Do telephone rules apply to e-mail? I am interested in knowing what you think about the use of email. Dylan -- who is beginning to understand women

doc love's answer Hey Dylan, First let me commend you. You did a fantastic job of playing it cool and building up your personal mystery quotient in your classroom environment before you made any moves. You knew that you had a captive audience, so you took your time and let the kitty cats become intrigued and curious about you, which ultimately made your job much easier and effective

when it came time to "close." Should Dylan resort to e-mail? Find out...

keep at it, son When classes resume, don't get lazy or complacent and abandon this strategy. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "When it ain't broke, don't fix it." Although you didn't find the love of your life last semester, that doesn't mean that you won't wind up hooking up with your soul mate next semester simply by employing the exact same strategy that you used before. To you Psych majors: don't go against the principles that made you successful. All right, so let's get clear about this e-mail thing and the frequency of phone usage vs. the frequency of e-mail. Dylan, when I tell all the guys to stay off the phone and not spend time chitchatting and "sharing" with a girl that they're interested in, what I'm really saying is to keep communication (while you are not in her actual physical presence) to an absolute minimum.

build a mystery Your love interest, Dylan, whoever she may be, is dying for mystery from her potential mate. Although she's not aware of it, she wants to be wondering about you. Wondering where you are, who you are with and whether you really like her or not. But most importantly, you want her to be wondering how many other women you're going out with. So, the more time you spend communicating with her between dates, the more info you're giving her about yourself and your activities, which actually inhibits the rise of her Interest Level. Dylan, as far as e-mail goes, the same rules apply. If you're doing the online dating thing, then you can e-mail back and forth three or four times to get acquainted and then set up a "meet for coffee" date, but once the date is set, that's it; all communication ceases. And before you end that coffee date, you should ask her for her home phone number. And if, as in your case, Dylan, you already know the woman but you still don't have her home phone number, then one e-mail to ask her out is all that is needed. No e-mailing before the date to tell her how much you're looking forward to seeing her. No e-mailing after the date to tell her what a great time you had or to let her know that you found a copy of that book she was looking for. Let everyone else on the planet e-mail each other back and forth 10,000 times. That doesn't need to affect your behavior in any way whatsoever. Actually, as far as dating goes, e-mailing is much less preferable to the telephone as a means of communication. Lots of e-mail gets lost in Internet limbo land for hours or even days. You e-mail her and then you have to wait for a response, which can take hours or even days.

And when you're e-mailing back and forth, not only do you not get any reading of her body language while communicating with her -- just as on the phone -- but you can't even hear her voice. You have no sense of the auditory tonality of her communication. E-mailing to get a date with a woman is filled with pitfalls and several disadvantages.

e-mail is not e-fficient Let's put it this way, Dylan; e-mail should only be used when you don't yet have a woman's home phone number. Once you get her home phone number, stick with the phone instead of the Internet. Call her. Make your date and then remain cool, lay low, and give her time and space to wonder what's going on with you as her anticipation for her next rendezvous with you builds. Remember guys; e-mail is anti-Challenge.

What Happens When You Reject A Beautiful Woman? Doc, I'm using "The System" and it's working wonders for me. There's one thing I'm curious about, however, and maybe it's a more unusual dilemma than most guys tend to have. I dated this unbelievably beautiful Colombian woman about a year and a half ago. She was sent to me by the gods, it seemed. She is quite literally a "10" in looks and body, drawing attention to herself wherever she goes.

she couldn't keep her legs closed Unfortunately, this woman had a bad habit of being unfaithful. So, taking your advice, I had the backbone to dump her and cut contact right away once I discovered what she was up to. Several months passed and life seemed to go on without a hitch. Then one day, she called me out of the blue. I didn't want to talk to her, so I told her that I met someone else and hung up. Ever since that day, she has been calling my family and friends, leaving messages on my machine, and showing up at my office and my apartment, all in the hopes of working things out. This is Challenge gone awry, you could say. This has gone on in frequency every couple of weeks or so for the last few months. I don't know how to stop it.

i'm falling for her body

She tells me she just wants to be friends, but I know her to be quite possessive, violent and a chronic cheater. Each time she initiates her campaign, I ignore her and walk away, but she persists. I have made it clear to her many times that my interest is zero and I honestly feel nothing emotional toward her. My problem is that I've never had an extremely attractive woman chase me and, to be quite honest, she still turns me on quite a bit in the physical sense. I am very tempted to try something simply physical, but my fear is that I am going to bury myself. I don't want a relationship with her at all. She is Miss Wrong, and I know it. Doc, the temptation of a beautiful woman is overwhelming. What is the best way for me to handle this? I will clearly follow whatever you say, as it has always worked in the past. Kirby -- who is tempted, but not stupid

doc love's answer Hey Kirby, Well, it sounds as if you've really gotten yourself into one mixed-up mess of a dilemma with a triple threat... 1- Your Colombian Cutie is one deeply troubled, unstable, bona fide nutcase. To you Psych majors: she ain't clinically sane. 2- On top of that, she's beautiful. (Can anyone really argue when I say that The Beautiful Woman is the most dangerous creature on the planet?) Her power to control, intimidate and seduce is awesome, and you are dealing with the Latin version of the species, Kirby, which only adds more fuel to the fire. 3- She knows that, right under the surface of your "I'm done with you" façade, you're still hooked. All she'd have to do is get you alone, get naked and rub up against you once or twice and you'd be capitulating faster than Roger Clemens can toss a curve ball. (Actually, I'm surprised that she hasn't already tried this tactic.)

stop saying no The reason she's comin' after you like a jungle leopard relentlessly stalking its prey is because you are the first guy in her life who wouldn't kiss her butt and let her get away with her usual games and deceptions. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Rejection is the ultimate Challenge." Before we get to the solution here Kirby, I want to commend you on the tremendous strength

of character you have demonstrated so far. When it became clear that this girl was no good for you, you got rid of her. Most men don't have the guts to do what you did. Doing that took real courage and conviction. God bless you, my brother, for your commitment to your own integrity and for not giving in to addictive impulses. That said, we need to extricate you from this mess, Kirby. Not only has this gal become a major stress in your life, but you could actually be in physical danger if you don't pull this poisonous weed out by the roots. I'm certain that you've wracked your brain and brainstormed with your brothers as to what the heck you can do, obviously to no avail. Here's the point. You've got to do something different . Saying "no" to her in new and creative ways is not going to change anything .

start dating her again In fact, if you haven't guessed already, the more you say "no," the more determined she will become. So let's play it smart here and twist this whole thing around to your advantage. What I want you to do is go ahead and go out with her. Yup, that's right. The next time she contacts you, set up a date with her and take her out somewhere. Have a long "heart to heart" talk with her about how you see that you've really just been afraid of intimacy and that you now realize that she is indeed the love of your life. Our goal here is to come on heavy and turn her off. The next day after the date, call her four or five different times and leave messages telling her how much you love her and how you can't stop thinking about her. Tell her that you have to see her again, right away. Send her flowers. Buy a stack of different mushy romantic cards and send her one every day for a week. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "When I'm done with her, she'll be droppin' me like a rotten mackerel." However challenging this recommendation may seem, just do it anyway, Kirby. You can pull it off. Fake it till you make it. I guarantee you that, after a week or two of "the new you," she'll be so turned off, you'll be wondering whatever happened to her. Remember guys; if you want to turn her off, come on heavy.

How To Handle A Flaky Woman Hi Doc, Well, I've been getting more phone numbers from attractive women every day, thanks to your coaching. But I've run into one that I'm not 100% positive about.

I met this cute girl, "Darla," at the campus bookstore. I heard from some of her acquaintances that she can get any guy to do whatever she wants. Well that's fine, but not me. Knowing in advance that she might be that type, I still went for it. I figured that if she really was a spoiled brat, then at least it would be interesting to see how well your theories work on that kind of woman. We went out on a first date, which cost me only $15 (I got us a lunch at an Italian takeout place and we had a picnic on a great summer day). We both had a fantastic time, and this woman couldn't stop telling me how much she wanted to go out again. She touched my arm and my leg at least a dozen times. Being fairly proficient in "The System," I didn't respond, and I could see that it was driving her crazy, in a good way.

i made my move I waited a week and called her, and tried to set up a date for Thursday, but she told me she was "working." But she said that we could do it "tonight" since she had "nothing to do." I told her tonight works out fine and ended the conversation. About an hour or so before I was to be at her house, she called and canceled, and gave me some story about why she couldn't go out and that she was "so sorry." She counter-offered for Saturday, but I politely told her that I was busy. She then explained that she was going to be out of town on Sunday. I said "okay" and told her that I had to go but that I'd talk to her "later." Doc, I'm confused at this point. I've seen some of the things that you've said about waiting two weeks to call a woman after she gets flaky on you. But I have also read some articles that say that I should just wait it out and see if she calls me or not, and just judge our "relationship" off of that. What should I do, Doc? This chick is fine, but I don't want to waste my time. Bailey -- who's a bit confused

doc love's answer Hey Bailey, Although you've run into trouble with this cutie, overall, you've handled things pretty darn well so far. You've obviously got a respectable working knowledge of my principles. We just need to tweak your technique and tighten things up a bit. But before we get into that, let's look at what you've done right here.

Where did Bailey score? Find out...

you were smooth, bailey First of all, you were wise to not react to what Darla's "aquaintances" were saying about her. Often, when you're first dating a woman, all sorts of people will come out of the woodwork with some kind of agenda based on your not being successful with her. But in this situation, Bailey, you remained neutral and took a "wait and see" approach. That's the way to go. Whatever anybody else says about a woman that you're first getting to know, whether it's negative or positive, you should always take it all with a large grain of salt and check things out for yourself. To you Psych majors: the proof is in the pudding. The other great thing you did, Bailey, was that you showed this gal a fun time while keeping the cost of the date to a minimum. The picnic idea was perfect. Too many guys spend too much money on a first date, thinking that doing so will raise the woman's romantic Interest Level. It's like trying to beat the market by following "hot" stock tips. It's supposed to work but it never does. Guys, you should wait until she's totally gaga over you before you take her out for the big-ticket activities (if you must).

she has to get her act together Now Bailey, you got some very strong buying signals from this babe on your first (and only) outing with her. That's great and it makes you feel great when that happens. There's nothing like being out with a fine woman who can't keep her hands off of you. But before getting past the two-month mark with any woman, things are just too new to rate. What we look for is consistency, and this chiquita is about as consistent as Madonna's hair color. When she flip-flopped on you and broke her date with you at the last minute, she blew it as far as winning your heart goes. Still, I also want you to be aware that you set yourself up for trouble when you accepted her counteroffer to go out that same night. You lost your posture and made yourself look too available, too eager. Don't do that again, with any woman. What I need to pound into your head, Bailey, is that this woman, "Darla," violated the sacred commandment: "Thou shalt not break any dates -- especially on short notice." This is not a misdemeanor. It's a felony! If she had merely told you that she was too busy to go out with you that week, but maybe she could next week, then I'd say give it two weeks (at least) and try calling her one more time. But Bailey, she broke the date! That's it, adios, hasta la vista and sayonara too.

Remember guys; a broken date is a deal breaker.

How To Keep Beautiful Women Interested Hi Doc, A friend of mine introduced me to "The System" about a year ago, and I just wanted to thank you. I don't know if I will ever master it, but it has allowed me to execute damage control when I screw up and start reverting to my old wimp-like tendencies. For the last six months, I have been dating a beautiful flight attendant who works for a Japanese airline. I live in Hawaii and she lives in Osaka, but she is here four or five times a month. Anyway, during the last three months, the relationship has been getting more serious. Because she's a flight attendant for a major carrier on a major route, it's obvious that she gets hit on all the time by pilots and very successful first-class passengers.

i'm broke & unemployed I, on the other hand, used to be a lowly customer service agent for the same airline and am now a poor student living with my parents, yet she opts to spend her time with me whenever she's in Hawaii. When I started going out with Yuko, I would say her interest in me was tepid at best; maybe 51%. However, by being a Challenge and by not doing what all the other guys were doing, I would say I am in the mid- to high-70s and still moving up. For myself, the biggest challenge was to keep from contacting her too often. When we first started going out, there was a strong temptation for me to e-mail her every chance I could. However, I really restrained myself because you said that that would drive her away.

need to know basis I would only e-mail her to ask when she was coming in and maybe ask about our mutual acquaintances. I keep the e-mail light and humorous. After she leaves, I try to wait at least 2 to 3 days before I e-mail her again, but I never get mushy. The one thing I keep telling myself is to be patient and let things play out. These days, I don't even bother asking when she's coming. She just lets me know. The date is already implied.

I'm just wondering; at this point, what's your opinion about all this and are there any recommendations you would make? Your loyal follower in Hawaii, Danner -- who is grateful

doc love's answer Hi Danner, Of all the women who constantly get hit on and have heard every line in the book a thousand times over, flight attendants would be right up there at the top of the list, along with cocktail waitresses. The number of dating opportunities that are presented to these women on a daily basis is extraordinary. But Danner is the man with the Challenge plan...

MISSING PAGE Top 5 Female "Brush-Off" Phrases Dear Doc, I recently broke up with a girl that I had been dating for about six weeks. Well, actually, she broke up with me. When I called her yesterday to make plans for the weekend, she said, "We need to talk, can you come over?" Having had my fair share of experience in the dating game, I knew what that meant. I didn't want to waste time getting together with her in person if she was going to dump me, so I just said, "Okay, let's talk." Then she went into a long explanation about how she's been doing a lot of "soul searching" and that she's come to realize that we're "just in different places in our lives." Of course I'm thinking to myself, Different places in our lives? What the hell is that supposed to mean? But I didn't say any of this to her. I knew it was over and that it was useless to try to make sense out of her verbiage or try to talk her out of it. I told her that I agreed with her and that it was fun while it lasted.

What I want to know is, why can't women just be honest with you when they're dumping you? If I'm getting the axe, I'd much rather hear something like "You're boring and you have B.O. that won't quit" rather than some worn-out, insipid clich. I'm just curious to read what you have to say about this, Doc. Roscoe -- who is ticked off

doc love's answer Hi Roscoe, Frequently, when a woman decides to dump a man, she wants to do it her way and be in total control of the process. This usually involves a long "sharing" or "processing" session where she tries to cushion the blow so that she can feel a minimal amount of guilt and discomfort. When getting the axe, the average guy goes along with this female agenda, allowing the woman to feel good about herself while he, at best, gets his hopes dashed, or worse, his heart ripped out. So allow me to commend you, Roscoe, on taking control and short-circuiting your "girlfriend's" game plan. It would have been a mistake to meet with her and have a "heart to heart" talk so that she could have assuaged her own guilt while you would have wound up with the booby prize (no pun intended). If your woman utters any of the following five phrases, get ready to kiss her goodbye...

MISSING PAGE Can Beautiful Women Be Loyal? Doc, I've heard a lot about the effectiveness of "The System" from a friend, but I don't know if even you can help me out with this one. I met Kelly when I started working at a large brokerage house in New York. She's gorgeous. Throw in the fact that half the guys on my floor were after her (which got my competitive instincts up), and I was a goner not long after we went out for a drink one night. We got together that weekend for dinner and a movie, and the weekend after for salsa dancing

at a club. Then we started dating during the week as well. It was like I'd found my true soul mate -- overnight. She recently came out of a three-year relationship. She told me, "It's definitely over. We want different things in life. We never get together anymore. We never even talk on the phone." A month and a half into our relationship, Kelly left me a message canceling our date for that night. She said she needed to go to Jersey to help her sister move into a new apartment.

i let it go Stuff happens , I thought, and Kelly had been reliable up until now. But I would have loved to spend the evening with Kelly; after all, we'd recently started getting quite intimate with each other. Anyhow, the next day at work, I went over to her cubicle (she works on the other end of the floor) and asked how the move went. "Bill," she said, "I wasn't being completely honest about last night. I wasn't helping my sister. I got together with Tony [her ex] because we had to work some stuff out. Sorry about canceling." Work some stuff out? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Doc, it was like taking a left to the solar plexus from Mike Tyson! It's been two days now and I haven't spoken a word to Kelly. She hasn't called me either. I can't believe she lied to me. Was that the only thing she lied about? All kinds of stuff is running through my head now. Maybe she was seeing Tony all along. I could even accept the fact that she had to talk to him - but why lie about it? I'm in love with this girl, Doc, but I don't want to be a fool. What should I do? Bill -- who's confused in the Big Apple

doc love's answer Hi Bill, You mention that you don't think I can help you out with your problem. Bill, I can help out any man. Why? Because my laws of reality work on all women, from Montana and Mongolia to Manchuria! And since these principals cut across all geographical and social boundaries, have no fear -- I can help you out with this one.

Bill was a fool for so many reasons...

MISSING PAGE Can The System Save A Marriage? Hey Doc, I've heard a lot about "The System" from a few of my single friends. They claim that it works even when a guy is married, but I have to tell you, I've got my doubts. Here's my dilemma: Lisa and I have been married for over 10 years. At first our intimate relationship was great -- she was always affectionate, and so was I. Then, four years ago, my son Cameron was born. Immediately after that, there was a change in our relationship. Doc, it was like the difference between night and day. Lisa was no longer interested in spending romantic time together. I have never had any affairs, always come straight home after work, and have always provided for my family. (By the way, my wife has quite a demanding managerial job.) So I don't see how Lisa could have any complaints on any of those counts. Well, I tried to be patient, figuring she'd eventually return to the way she used to be, but time went on and the situation never improved. Lisa is always tired (believable, but then again, I am too, and we both split the child-minding duties when we're not working), has a headache, doesn't feel well, etc. I've come right out more than once and asked her point blank if she's no longer attracted to me. "No, that's not it," she insists. She's just overwhelmed by having to take care of the kid and her job. Again, fine and well, but why am I ready to get intimate all the time? (And incidentally, when we do actually have a romantic interlude once every few weeks, it's very, very good, so I can't complain about the quality.)

something's got to give Doc, what it boils down to is this: I've been thinking about a divorce. And it's not because I don't love my wife -- I do. I just can't stand being frozen any longer. I've actually turned into a slavering dog over the past few years, begging and whimpering for affection. This isn't right. It's diminishing whatever self-esteem I have left, and if I don't do something, there'll be nothing left of me.

What really keeps me here is my little boy -- I would hate for the three of us to become sociological statistics, the victims of one more pathetic marital breakup. But my fear is that once a negative pattern has been established --- me begging for attention and my wife refusing -- it's impossible to change. What do you think? Jack -- who's just about to file

doc love's answer Hi Jack, First of all, let me assure you that my principals work for everyone who follows them. The foundations of my method are valid for all women, period, married or single, young and old, beauties and plain Janes. So don't worry -- I'm going to help you out here. Should Jack head for the divorce hills? Find out...

MISSING PAGE Never Stray From "The System" Hi Doc, About three weeks ago, my girlfriend Tina, who is amazingly beautiful, decided that she needed time away from me. When she told me, it came as a total shock. To start, I was able to get a woman of this magnitude because of "The System" and the tips on AskMen.com. But then I got cocky and tossed your book into the corner. I stopped reading the articles, I stopped practicing the techniques, and I stopped using the principles. In other words, I kind of got lazy and bit the hand that fed me.

we split up Two weeks after that, Tina and I broke up. I was devastated and had no idea what to do. Then I remembered you, Doc, and I knew that you would always provide the right answers and the true direction. Well, I got back to your book and the website last week, refreshed myself on your ideas, and it worked! Now Tina keeps calling me. She wants to hang out with me and do things with me

again, and I'm the one who doesn't really care now. I'm ready to walk away, but, on the other hand, I want to stay with her. What do you think I should do, Doc? I do love Tina, but do you think that my opinion of her should change because she asked for time apart? That's the part that really bothers me. By the way, breaking up ultimately was my idea -- I learned it from you, Doc. I won't take that crap. Please advise. Thanks a million. John -- who's baffled about what he wants to do

doc love's answer Hi John, First of all, I wouldn't exactly say that you bit the hand that fed you; you had what I would call a case of "Big-Shot-Itis." As my cousin, Brother Love, likes to put it: "Pride cometh before a fall." What you actually did was become a sinner by falling into a state of pride, which, as you know, is one of the seven deadlies. And you didn't even realize it. If you had stayed humble and aware of what you were doing, pal, you wouldn't have taken the dangerous chance of abandoning the methods that won you your success with Tina in the first place. You could've saved yourself a lot of trouble...

MISSING PAGE What To Do When She Keeps Her Ex Around Hi Doc, I wish I found out about "The System" before entering the relationship I'm in now. When I met Christie in June, she was just coming out of a five-year relationship with what you call a Macho Boy, except that he is also very needy and constantly needs her approval. When we met, she had moved out of his bedroom and into a separate room in his house, and was actively looking for a way out. Within four weeks of being together, we both became very emotionally attached to each other. We both had 95%-plus Interest Level, but by the third week of September, Christie

began to lose interest, and told me she was putting our relationship "on the back burner" while she figures out what she's going to do and gets her act together. That just about drove me bonkers. Since then, she and I have continued to get together. She tells me she loves me, and when we're together she shows me her love through her actions. Part of the problem she has with getting out of the other guy's life is due to several factors: 1) He's very wealthy and she's afraid of what things will be like if she's away from that wealth 2) They jointly own property 3) She works for his excavation firm, which does environmental restoration projects for a tribal reservation in the area.

i was a wimp I think my problem, now that I've read your dating guide, is that I've been that teddy bear guy you refer to -- Wimpus Americanus . During the whole time she and I have been together, I've said "no" maybe three times. Also, when I call her, I tend to leave messages (she bought a cell phone, but of course the guy whose house she's still in doesn't know about it, though he does know about me) and when we do talk, she nearly always ends the conversation before I do. Also, I e-mail her copious amounts of messages, where in turn she'll leave maybe one, consisting of three lines. And of course, mine always seem to start and end with "I love yous" and various compliments. Does this sound familiar yet? Wait, it gets worse...

MISSING PAGE When Women Give You Mixed Signals Doc, I'm a 23-year-old college student who started seeing Michelle, a coed, in April. The first time I went out with her was when she invited me out to a bar on a week night. She did lots of touching and wanted to take me home, but didn't. The second time we went out it was for dinner. Afterwards she wanted me to meet some of her friends at the bar and shoot some pool, which I did. (This date was during the week, too.) All went well and her friends seemed to like me. I shot pool at the bar with her again, and we went back to her house and made out for an hour, and then she started calling more often and

invited me over to watch a movie on a Monday night. After we finished the movie, I was going to kiss her goodbye and leave, but she invited me to stay for another movie. (I ended up playing with her hair for half of it.)

a guy walks into a bar... She called me on Tuesday, and we went to the bar to shoot pool again. Walking in, we ran into one of her guy friends. He says to her, "Hey, sexy," and they talk for a while and agree they should get together for a drink. I played it cool and didn't even ask what his name was. I called her the next day, but got her voice mail and left no message. That was at the end of May, and I didn't talk to her again until I called her in July. She said she would call me, but she never did. Her birthday was this past August 15th and I called her to wish her a happy birthday. She was surprised that I remembered, and I figured that won me some points. We're both going back to school at the same time, and she said to me, "Give me a call or something." So, should I call her or wait to see her on campus and strike up a conversation? Also Doc, what would you rate her Interest Level in me? It's hard to sort out her mixed messages. Thanks, Garrett -- who's curious to know

doc love's answer Hi Garrett, You start off by telling me that Michelle's friends like you. Now, think about it -- what does that really have to do with anything? All we care about here is how much Michelle likes you, right? So why did you go back to the bar just to bump into her friends again? Garrett, if she doesn't like you, her friends can't change her mind...

MISSING PAGE Should You Trust Her? Hey Doc, I've been using your theories for a few months now. I was able to land a Flexible Giver pretty much right away and she's great! So I have to thank you. I believe Lori's Interest Level is around 80% to 85%, but I'm new at your techniques, so I don't know exactly how to gauge it.

(Any help here would be greatly appreciated.) Lori calls me every day and is flirty and affectionate when we're together. She tries to get me to talk about how much I like her. (I don't like to do that. She doesn't verbalize how much she likes me either, incidentally.) She asks me to do something with her practically every day, and expresses disappointment when I tell her I already have plans. The problem lies with trust. She asked me if I trusted her, and I told her that I did because she's never given me a reason not to. But I wasn't exactly telling the truth, Doc. Maybe she's testing me, or maybe it's just my imagination, but lately I've picked up on some inconsistencies in her behavior. I haven't made an issue out of any of this, but let me give you a few examples of what I've noticed: 1- She told me that she didn't want to attend a wedding she was invited to, but when I left town for a weekend fishing trip, she went to the wedding anyway. 2- One night she was three hours late coming over for a date. I called her house, got no answer, and the phone beeped and disconnected. She called later (at midnight), apologized, and said that she fell asleep. She said that she accidentally shut off the answering machine the night before. (I let her know that I was upset about her tardiness, but didn't make a huge deal out of it.) 3- A guy friend of hers called while I was at her house. She gestured to me that she didn't want to talk to him, but ended up staying on the phone with him for half an hour. So Doc, am I reading too much into these incidents, or should I be concerned? Should I press for explanations? Thanks, Doc! You da man! Wayne -- who's not sure what he's really seeing

doc love's answer Hi Wayne, There's a simple reason why you can't see the forest through the trees. It's because somebody's blowing smoke at you, pal! And if you don't watch yourself, you're going to get burned. The bottom line is this: women with 80% to 85% Interest Level never confuse their men and never give them mixed signals. Doc looks at Exhibit A...

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Never Give Women Too Much, Too Soon Hey Doc, I'm currently involved in a new relationship and I was hoping that you could provide some insight. About two months ago, I started dating my current girlfriend, Gloria. I come from a preppy background (I'm an Ivy League university graduate) and Gloria is from a somewhat lower-class background. Her parents were immigrants and everyone in her family is a blue-collar worker. This is the only truly noticeable difference between us. Despite this, Gloria is wonderful to me and I couldn't be happier with her. She does lots of things for me -including cook! How rare is that? Anyway, things have been going really well for us. But Doc, Gloria's had a very rough life. Her stepfather physically abused her for 10 years, she's been homeless, old boyfriends have treated her like crap, etc. She projects a hardened, bad-ass image in public, and only reveals her soft, caring interior to me.

she really likes me To me, that's a sign that she really does care for me. She's been very expressive of her feelings, telling me that I'm wonderful almost every day. I've been expressive of my feelings toward her too, but with some guarded caution. So the "I love you"s have not been exchanged yet. I'm pretty much spending every night at her place (except for two to three days a week when I'm out of town). I do a lot for her around the house, compliment her, spend quality time snuggling, hugging, and so forth. Doc, I'm ready to exchange an "I love you," because that's how I feel about her. But... something has been holding me back from going all the way, and I think it's because of that class difference I mentioned. I worry that somehow the difference in her background will come out and have a negative effect on our relationship somewhere down the road when we're deeply involved.

i wanna say i love you So I guess my question is this: considering the discrepancies in our backgrounds and the progress we've made in the last two months, where do I go from here? Can a difference in backgrounds ever be overcome? I know your feelings on the "I love you" issue -- i.e. who should say it first -- and I somewhat agree. But in this instance, we're not talking about the typical girl, if there is such a thing. I really do love this girl, Doc. Despite the fact that it's only been two months, we've spent lots of great time together and she has treated me better than any girl I've ever been with.

I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Kirk -- who wants to know if he's being overcautious

doc love's answer Hi Kirk, Your problem isn't saying "I love you," or the fact that Gloria comes from the so-called "wrong side of the tracks" -- your problem is that you're seeing entirely too much of her . Is Kirk headed down the path to misery?

MISSING PAGE How Do You Go From Friendship To More? Hi Doc, I'm quite confused and could use your help. I have been trying to practice "The System" more and more in order to master it. However, one issue still puzzles me, and I hope you will offer some insight on this one. I've known and liked Kristen for a year now. She's beautiful, fun and nice. We were in class and a work group together for a semester at the university we both attend, so the relationship is more like friendship than anything else. I didn't make any move to ask her out because I'd heard from another female classmate that she had a boyfriend. I didn't want to cause trouble, so I declined Kristen's offer when she invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. (Was this a stupid move on my part? I hope not.) After the semester ended, we went out for lunch twice and that's all. Whenever we were together, I tried to keep the conversation light and funny, as you've advised. We still keep in contact, at least sporadically, and recently I learned that she's in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. (By the way, I didn't hear this directly from her, but from other sources.) I'm not sure how all of this is going to turn out, but Doc, I want to stand a chance with Kristen if she does indeed end up breaking up with her boyfriend. She is a great girl and I miss her. I know you stress the importance of being a Challenge, so I kept my mouth shut and didn't contact her after hearing the rumors about her and her boyfriend.

any chance she'll go for me?

Doc, I've heard that women don't generally jump into new relationships immediately after a breakup. Is this true, or just a myth? If it's true, what's the turnover time between relationships? Will Kristen think poorly of me if I make a move on her too soon? I know from your books that I shouldn't spill my guts and reveal all my feelings to her. So how should I give her the subtle hint that I like her as more than a friend without ticking her off? I guess my real question is; how and when should I make my next move? Thanks, Doc. McQueen -- who is unsure about what to do next

doc love's answer Hi McQueen, Jeez, pal -- what in the world are you waiting for? And I don't mean just with Kristen. Pinch yourself every once in a while to remind yourself that you're alive! As General Love says, "Take the bull by the horns!" Check out McQueen's first mistake...

MISSING PAGE Never Beg Women For A Second Chance Hey Doc, Janet and I have been dating for three years and have been friends for 20. She's 52 and I'm 51. We've always had passion between us, but she's currently going through menopause and has a daughter who never liked that we were together. In the past year I've had some financial problems, and Janet and I broke up once, then got back together, but she says that I "sucked" her back in. Fights occasionally broke out over nothing. She would begin raging and always blamed me because eventually I reacted to her raging and did some of my own.

she finally left In July, she broke up with me a second time. Her daughter (33 years old, with children) came to town and spent some alone time with Janet. I gave her space to do this. This was when she cut me off. Her sister told me that Janet said that she felt like she was in a prison with me. (This, Doc, from a woman who called me five to seven times a day, every day, and asked to see me all the time -- and now says she felt "obligated" to make those calls!)

I gave her a week to cool off, then went to see her again. She ripped my head off. Filled with anger, she told me it was over. I asked her later if we could get together for a "closure" talk, and she refused. So I left.

she called me Two weeks later she called me, and I asked to meet with her. We did. She said she was raw and needed to be alone. I investigated to see if there was another man, and there isn't. She cried with me, held me, caressed me, and said she loved me deeply and didn't know what to do about it. But she needs to be alone for a while. I asked her what I could do for her and she said, "leave me alone." Since then (it's been two months) we've talked a few times. She says she loves me, but is keeping busy. I asked her if she's happy with her decision and she said "no." I asked if she still loves me, and she said "yes." I asked if she missed me, and she said "yes." So I said, "Why don't we see each other every two weeks?" She said, "No, just leave me alone for a while." This left me entirely confused. We were so in love and wanted to marry. I have been in pain over this for two months and don't know what to do. How can I be a Challenge when she won't even call me? I want Janet back because I can see she is crazed by her hormones and her family is steering her away from her heart. But she has to feel her own heart and not live through her family. Does she love me or doesn't she? Will she come back? Doc, what do you think is going on, and what is the best recourse? Steve -- who's living under a black cloud

doc love's answer Hi Steve, Let me ask you a question: Why is it that you and Janet were friends for 20 years? When you're friends for 20 years, usually you're friends forever, right? How is it that after two decades of friendship this woman suddenly decided that she was romantically interested in you? The news only gets worse for poor old Steve...

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Can "The System" Ruin A Relationship? Hey Doc, About a year ago I met Carrie. For four months or so we were friends, nothing more. Frankly, I wasn't all that interested in her. One time she asked about my love life, and I told her, truthfully, that I was going out with another girl. From that moment on, she was in love with me. I continued dating the other girl until things went downhill between us. Now I was officially "free," and while Carrie had high Interest Level in me, my Interest Level in her had not risen. But some weeks passed and we started dating. At that point I realized that Carrie was a really great person, and I began to slowly fall for her. I had never heard of "The System," but I was instinctively acting the way I felt, and without knowing it, I was quite a Challenge. For the first month, we went out four to five times a week, and began a long-term, committed relationship. I'd never thought of settling down, but Carrie really got to me. As with any relationship, the first three months were sweet -- there were no problems, and we were very much in love. We've been together for six months now. My friends, however, insisted that I had changed because I no longer wanted to go out with them and act stupid like we usually did. But about a month ago, I realized that what they'd been telling me was true. I wanted to change this pattern and be my manly, careless, beer-drinking self again.

here's where the problem began At about the same time, I learned about "The System" through a friend. Suddenly I realized that I was doing lots of things wrong in my relationship with Carrie, starting with excessive "I love you"s, showing my jealousy, talking about my insecurities, and being completely open with her. I immediately began to change my behavior and reverted to my old self. Before I did, Carrie was apparently happy and her Interest Level had remained steadily high. Now that I'm more of a Challenge again and have "corrected" what I was doing wrong, she is unhappy most of the time -- complaining that we don't see each other as much as before and that I don't seem to love her as much. She even told me recently that there have been more bad times than quality times lately, which is not true. Should Douglas have remained whipped? Find out...

MISSING PAGE Can Long-Distance Relationships Work? Hey Doc, I've been dating Reva for six months and have always abided by most of the rules of "The System" and remained a Challenge. Things were great until two weeks ago. Reva recently got a new job and she has to move to Baltimore. Since we live in a Third World country, this is a bit of a problem. I agree that she should take the opportunity because she'll never get one like it in our country. I have to stay at my university until I graduate in 2005, so I can't go with her. I figured we'd travel back and forth to see each other. Last weekend, Reva told me that she dated (and was intimate with) someone in Baltimore before she met me. I can't really make an issue of it because we didn't know each other then. But Doc, Reva tells me that this guy is the only person she knows in Baltimore and she wants to spend time with him because he can show her around. (Like your principles taught me, this is Womanese for "I'm insecure.") I told her that I don't want her seeing the guy if she's going to be with me. She told me she would do her best not to see him, although that's nearly impossible since they will be working in the same office. But I maintain that it is entirely possible not to have to date him despite that fact. The way I see it, Reva has three options: 1- Stay with me in our country. 2- Refuse that particular opportunity and look for another job in the United States. 3- Stay loyal, forget the other guy, and do as we planned until I'm through with school. What do you think I should do, Doc? Anthony -- who doesn't know if he should let her go

doc love's answer

Hi Anthony, Things were going well with Reva until two weeks ago? I'm sorry, but you've had a problem all along and just began noticing it. And you should have picked up on it a lot sooner, especially if you read my articles. I've said it again and again: men see things too late . Her Interest Level is going south fast, and you guys are oblivious! Reva's planned move to the United States is not just a bit of a problem, guy -- it's a massive problem. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "If you saw the Grand Canyon, you'd probably call it a gopher hole!" It goes back to the notion that women don't lie, and men don't interpret properly . Her Interest Level is high, just not in you...

you pushed her into it According to you, your girl's prospective job is an "opportunity." Now there's your biggest mistake -- you not only went along with the idea, you pushed it. If Reva was shooting a bazooka at you, you're the kind of guy who would hand her more ammo! (Your intentions to keep the relationship going no matter what is based on the assumption that Reva's Interest Level is at least 51%.) Next, you tell me that Reva was "intimate" with this fellow in Baltimore, but you "can't make an issue of it." While you shouldn't make an issue of it to her , you have to ask yourself, if she was intimate with him once, why isn't she making more of an effort to stay away from him? Why is she not sparing you the heartache? Think about what this is saying to you, Anthony. Duh! So -- this other guy is going to be Reva's Baltimore cicerone (in Italian, that's what they call a tour guide cum gigolo)? Notice how she rationalizes her behavior here. She's telling you in essence that she's got high Interest Level -- in him ! Know why she's being so hard on you? Because of her low Interest Level in you.

she can make friends This guy's the only person she knows in Baltimore? I think I'm about to cry! Tell her to tough it out! But my guess is that it's already too late to win this horse race. When a woman says it's "nearly impossible" not to see another guy, it means -- as Fast Eddie Love would say -- "The odds are 8 to 2 she's going to see him!" Again, Anthony, you only got half of the situation right. I keep reminding you Psych majors: you've got to be a love cop on "Love and Order." You can't afford to miss the clues that are staring you right in the face! And once you've got them, you have to learn, like Sherlock Holmes, to interpret correctly. But don't take it personally -- it's an acquired skill.

your options don't work Now, let's examine your three options. Actually, there are only two. Know why? Reva's not even thinking of staying in your country with you, pal. She's thinking about Baltimore, and her new life there -- without you! And when she thinks about it, there's a great, big smile on her face because of that Interest Level problem I talked about. Regarding the second option -- that she should find another job in the U.S. -- well, the odds are better that she'll get eaten by a bear in one of our national parks. The third option is an illusion, a pipe dream, because of the other guy. What you should have done was added a fourth: "Reva, raise your Interest Level into the 90s, and we'll take it from there!" Because unless her Interest Level is in the stratosphere, you're in trouble. My job is to raise her Interest Level in you, and, more importantly, to keep it there forever so she never wants to call a divorce lawyer. Remember guys; if she wants to move away, it's time to play -- with some other girls.

Why Women Suddenly Change Attitudes Hey Doc, I took Dana out three times. The first two dates were fine. I did nothing wrong -- no inappropriate behavior, no mention of sex, no rudeness. My plan was to move forward slowly. Things were going fine until the third date. Her behavior completely changed and it wasn't just my imagination. On our first two dates she was warm, talkative and interested in me. Now she was quiet, distant and cold. This sort of thing has happened to me before and this is why I need your insight, Doc. You go on your first date with a girl and she's nice and excited to be with you, but by date number two, she's quiet, distant and sullen. I call it the "Ms. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde" syndrome. What is it with these head cases? I'm somewhat acquainted with your techniques and ideas, Doc, and I suspect that I know what you'll say about this -- that she has low Interest Level in me. That's fine, but why the extreme change in behavior? Why do women do this over and over again? How can you tell if she's got a split personality? Find out...

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Don't Let Women Play You Hey Doc, My girlfriend of two years is attending college some two and a half hours away. On the whole, this has turned out to be a good deal, as I get to see Liz every other weekend. The problem is that there's this guy at her college who she has feelings for. Doc, I know my girlfriend is in love with me because she tells me so all the time and acts like she does. In fact, she constantly compares me and this other guy, and when it comes down to it, I'm better than he is in every category -- except for how I treat her. Liz really can't keep her hands off me and constantly reminds me that I'm more attractive, smarter and funnier than this other guy.

i'm still the best Up until now I wasn't jealous because I felt so superior to the other guy and didn't even view him as a threat. But in the end, he does treat her a little better, and all she wants is to be happy. Now don't misunderstand me, Doc. I treat Liz well and she knows it. But I probably don't treat her quite as well as this other guy. While he has little going for him, he treats Liz like a goddess, waiting on her hand and foot, doing whatever she asks, complimenting her, etc. Liz is very religious and more mature than most girls in their 20s. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place. I actually thought that we were beyond the games of mystery, being a Challenge and other strategies you recommend. This girl is a classic example of marriage material and I would hate to let her go. So should I just learn to treat her better (and I'll be the first to admit I could stand a little improvement in this area) or can you recommend another alternative? Should I be worried about losing her? Or should I just let her go? Billy -- who is just a wee bit confused

doc love's answer Hi Billy, You have a girlfriend who's 150 minutes away from you, practically living on top of a guy who she has increasing Interest Level in, and you tell me that on the whole it's turned out to be a good deal? Is Billy being funny or is he simply a little slow?

MISSING PAGE When Should You Get Closure? Hi Doc, I've been reading your columns for the past few days and I'm wondering why I never ran into this expert advice earlier. I could've avoided all my dating blunders. I met this incredibly beautiful woman, Sheila, a few months ago. We went out a few times and I noticed that she displayed high Interest Level in me, through gestures like pressing her leg against mine, or handing me a drawing of a rose, or telling me that she trusted me. She showered me with compliments and so forth, but I kept my distance by not calling her incessantly. We shared a lot of common interests and our verbal interactions were lively and stimulating. I think that unconsciously I was being a Challenge, but I didn't understand the significance of it in the grand scheme of things. Things were great until our last rendezvous when I accidently offended her. Nevertheless, we went back to my house and she complained about a headache the whole time, while I worked on a business letter she asked me to help her write. As soon as I finished the letter, she left. I was always very gentleman-like and never forced the issue of intimacy.

a bad call A week and a half later I made another blunder by having a male friend dial her number -- as a prank, I suppose -- and he left a message on her voicemail. To my surprise, she called back within the minute and left a message asking my friend in a very enthusiastic tone to call her back immediately. He didn't. I didn't phone her again until two days later and when she answered, she kept asking about my friend -- she wanted to meet him -- to which I replied in a lighthearted manner that he was a busy guy and had no time. The next day I called her up, asked what her plans were, and she told me she was busy. I told her I wanted some things back that I'd lent her. When I drove over to her house, we barely exchanged words. I picked up my things and told her that I had to go, but we could see each other later. Obviously, after reading your columns, I've come to the realization that this is a losing battle and I've resigned myself to moving on to the next girl. Yet I feel guilty that toward the end I wasn't exactly a gentleman and basically shut the door on Sheila. I try to reason that if she

thought of using me as a springboard to her next love interest, then my response to the situation was justified and I should never call her to "clear things up." Doc, is it a waste of time to try and clear things up with this girl? Should I try to ease my guilty conscience and seek proper closure? Bob -- who wants to know if he should clean up the mess

doc love's answer Hi Bob, First of all, when you present a love case, you've got to be much more specific. For instance, exactly what did you say that offended Sheila? Did she thank you for the business letter you wrote for her? Guys, you've got to be love detectives on "Love & Order!" Real clues and solid evidence, please! Doc examines the scene of the crime...

let's start at the top Nevertheless, let's take a look at your situation. First of all, having your friend dial Sheila's number was the dumbest thing you've ever done in your entire life. With all the weirdoes running around in America, you've got someone prank calling your love interest? This is something out of sixth grade! It's so immature I can hardly believe a grown man would resort to it! But the fact is, it wasn't just a "prank" you had in mind, Bob. You sensed that Sheila was slipping away, and that prank call was a lame attempt to recapture her attention. Next, you tell me that Sheila calls your friend back -- a complete stranger -- and wants to get to know him better? Maybe she's as wacky as you are. But what's really interesting here is that your pal hadn't even passed Sheila's Physical Attraction Test. She'd only heard his voice -- so what does that say about her Interest Level in you ? You actually brought your own competition into the picture here when you were on a downhill slide! Could your moves have been any more pathetic? To you Psych majors, let me remind you: don't bring in outsiders when you're trying to win her over! (If you owned the girl -- if you'd been going out with her for months and had a solid relationship under your feet -- you could have had a buddy call up as a joke. But not until you own the girl . And obviously you don't own this girl, Bob.)

getting the goods was bad Your next blunder was asking for your possessions back when you did. You should have said to Sheila, "Okay, we'll make it some other time," hung up the phone, and waited another week before calling her back. If at that point she told you she was busy again, you throw her number away -- then ask for your stuff. As it was, you came off as uptight. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was having a tough day and forgot to counteroffer a date. But let's face reality here. If she had high Interest Level in you, she would have said "I can't make it today, but I can make it tomorrow." She wouldn't have let your invitation drop. Then came your next error. Why did you tell Sheila you were going to see her later when you went to pick up your things? You were on your way out, guy. It was over, the end, finito . Why make a gesture of finality and then expect to keep dating? You can't have it both ways. But don't feel guilty, man. You didn't shut the door on Sheila -- she shut it on you. She became interested in your friend. And you made the springboard for her by setting up the call in the first place.

it wasn't meant to be It doesn't take a degree in quantum physics to crack this one, Bob. Sheila has low Interest Level in you -- so there's nothing to clear up. Would it be a waste of time to try, you ask? Go into your backyard, dig a hole and fill it up again -- that would make better use of your time! The only thing you should feel guilty about is the stupid mistakes you made to lower this girl's Interest Level, not the fact that she wrote you off. One more thing. You weren't living with this girl for 20 years, so there's no reason to seek closure. Aren't you going a little heavy on the "closure" bit? So pal, forget about the "mess." What I'd recommend is that you memorize The Dating Dictionary and start doing things right so the next girl doesn't want to meet your buddy, who she's never even seen! Remember guys; they're never too busy to see you when they have high Interest Level.

How To Keep Women Interested Hey Doc,

I'm a nightclub owner and usually have my pick of women. Problems usually arise, however, when I find one I really want to date. When I meet a girl I'd like to date, I usually get her number and give her mine, and she'll usually call me the next day or come to my club to see me. In this instance, Crystal came to my club the next night. We really hit it off again that second night, and the third night as well.

she wanted to go elsewhere Then she called me and wanted to go out to a place other than the club. So on a Monday night, we went out with a couple of friends. We had a great time together. Crystal ended up falling asleep on my couch, and I put a blanket over her and a pillow under her head, and took her home before I opened the club on Tuesday. Everything was wonderful; when we parted, I got a really nice kiss. The next day I found out from a friend that Crystal was having second thoughts about me because so many women are interested in me. No big deal , I figured -- she'll call anyway. Well, she didn't. Then I heard that she was in the hospital. After a couple of days I called the hospital to see how she was doing (turned out she had a bad flu but was fine). I sent her flowers and planned on visiting her.

a mutual friend When I did finally get to the hospital, she'd left about an hour earlier. That night I went out with a guy friend who happens to be her friend as well. She called his cell phone around midnight, and the conversation got around to me. When this happened, my friend handed me the phone. Crystal and I talked for a while, but she was a little vague and seemed somewhat uninterested. I figured that maybe she still wasn't feeling well, or maybe she was detached because of this issue of all the other girls. But I'm just guessing. What perplexes me, Doc, is that she called my friend but hasn't called me. She told me she'd like to go out when she feels better, but I'm not really sure what I should do next. Do I wait for her to call me, or do I just wait a day or two and call her? Do I try to pursue her, or wait for her to pursue me? Crystal is the one I really want to be with right now, but I don't want to set myself up for rejection. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. There's a pattern here. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Buck -- who's dating too many women, but only wants one

doc love's answer

Hi Buck, First of all, your situation isn't all that unusual. She likes you, you don't like her, and viceversa happens to all guys. It happens to guys like you who meet hundreds of women every night, and it happens to the guys who barely get one home phone number a year. Why did Buck bother giving her his number? What we're looking for in a relationship is equal Interest Level, or, ideally, for her to like you a little bit more. Your job is to raise her Interest Level during the time you spend together. Now I'll get out my "Crystal" ball to see why you gave her your number. Ah-ha! Just as I figured! You goofed. 99% of the time, women don't call . To boot, giving her your number shows her you're weak. Now if she asks for your number, then you should definitely give it to her. But you're the man, you're the aggressor, and you're going to call her -- this should always be your tactic.

she was interested... at first It's true that the old saying goes, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." But at the same time, why is this girl hitting on you every night? She should show a little propriety and stay away for three or four days and allow you to call her. I'm glad she demonstrated high Interest Level at first, but she rushed it. Maybe she's not so special after all -- maybe she's like all the other girls in your nightclub. But let's give her the benefit of the doubt. The good part is that Crystal called you, asked you out and instead of hanging around your club, you went somewhere different. The bad part is that you brought "friends" along. To you Psych majors, as I've mentioned before, no group dates . And Buck, you give us some very strong reasons why I make that a hard and fast rule. Let's take her second thoughts about you, for instance. As Judge Joe Brown would say, "This is all hearsay !" This good friend of yours could be inadvertently hurting you by feeding Crystal erroneous information. You have to make like this is World War II all over again and keep in mind that loose lips sink ships -- and relationships. So why are you talking to friends about your relationship in the first place?

you talk too much

One of the reasons you never know what's going on, pal, is because you're talking to way too many friends -- yours and hers. Get off the friends. They can only hurt you, even if they think they're doing the opposite. As Rabbi Love says, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Now, guy, when lots of women love you, all the others are more interested in you, too. This is a basic law of attraction. Think about it -- does being George Clooney hurt George Clooney when it comes to women? The corollary of course is that no one loves you when you're down and out. When no women want you, no women want you . Now it's great that you're surrounded by babes, Buck, but you're going out with Crystal. You went out with her two or three times in a row. You showed her you like her by being with her -- too much.

your dating skills suck Which leads us to the real crux of your problem, Buckaroo: you must be doing things wrong on the date. The women you're interested in are turned off by you , as opposed to the fact that women are climbing all over you. How is it that you're in a super environment for meeting females, you've got all these dollies hanging on you, but you can't hold on to the good ones? You need to memorize "The System" and learn how to do things the right way. Ultimately, Crystal acted uninterested and detached because she has low Interest Level in you. It isn't because of all those other girls. (And anyway, if Crystal happens to be one of those types with low self-esteem who's jealous and possessive, your owning a nightclub would drive her nuts and you'd have to sell it if you ended up with her. And you're not about to do that.)

give it a week My advice is to wait a week and call her. Ask her out (no group dates) and act like it's your first date all over again. And don't go to your club. Take her someplace new. Remember guys; some of her Interest Level is based on the fact that other women love you.

Is It Wrong To Date A Buddy's Ex? Hey Doc, I'm involved in a messy situation and I hope you can guide me.

I've known Erica and her ex-boyfriend, Jeff, for exactly the same amount of time (I met them when they were dating each other). About a month ago, Jeff left her. Then, Erica called and invited me out. We had a good time and started hanging out more often after that. I was attracted to her, but since Jeff is a friend of mine and her ex, I felt that I should "ask permission" before trying to pursue Erica. I did just that. He said "no," so I backed off. The next day Erica called and said that Jeff called her at 1:30 a.m. and asked whether there was anything between the two of us. This bothered me. First of all, he should have taken my word that nothing was going on. Second, after their breakup, he never called Erica once, except to ask if there was something between us. Well, she and I continued to hang out and have a good time. Then one day she called and informed me that we were "just friends," even though I apparently wanted something more than a friendship. I wanted to know who told her that I was interested in her, and she said that Jeff had told her things that I never said. I smoothed things out, and she and I hung out again the next night.

she cut all ties The next morning Erica called and said, "I don't think we should hang out anymore." After asking questions and getting nowhere, I finally said that if that was what she wanted, then I wouldn't try to change her mind. She told me I would figure it out. This is what I think is going on: 1- Jeff said something else to her that damaged my "credibility." 2- She thinks I still have feelings for her. 3- She's angry about something. 4- She has feelings for me. (This is what some of my friends think.) 5- Erica and Jeff are back together. Doc, I don't want to lose two friends and I definitely don't want to lose Erica as a friend and potential love interest. Help me, please. Henry -- who's stuck somewhere in between

doc love's answer Hi Henry, Your friend denied you permission to hit on his ex. What you should have addressed up front was how close you were to this guy, how long you've known him, and whether you could live without him as a friend, and then proceeded -- with extreme caution -- from there. Most times it doesn't work out with the woman and you end up destroying a relationship with a buddy. You broke one of the golden rules...

the loyalty law

So the moral of the story is, never mess with the other guy's ex , even if he tells you to go ahead and knock yourself out. It flies in the face of one of the most important things in life -loyalty. And even though the exes protest that it's over forever and they're just good friends now, there are still emotional ties. And that's what you were messing with here. So unless you're willing to write your guy friend off, you have to think long and hard about what you're about to do. Now I'll let you in on something, Henry. Jeff didn't initiate this breakup -- Erica did. To you Psych majors, women do the dumping 90% of the time in the dating game. And by the way, who told you that Jeff was the instigator of the breakup? Were you there to witness it? It amazes me how a man will suck up any slop that some pretty female throws at him when he's gone over her. He'll believe two and two equals seven if she tells him it does! As my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "When it comes to women, men are complete idiots!" (Of course your friend's a fool too, for calling his ex at 1:30 in the morning. That's called begging. He knows nothing -- maybe even less than you do, Henry.)

you knew what you were doing I noticed that you got enough hangout time in with Erica before you asked for Jeff's "permission" to date her. Why didn't you do that straight out of the gate, dude? Because you were already making time with her, that's why. You made sure you liked this girl before you called your buddy, and that's why it took you so long. Don't con yourself, and don't try to con me. As Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "A guy who tries to fool himself is the biggest fool of all!" So what was the upshot of all your slick maneuvering, Henry? You got dumped. And you don't know why. When women dump you, they always give you the second, third and fourth reasons why they're dumping you. The real reason is called low Interest Level . So after getting the brush, what do you go and do? Work your way into hanging out with Erica again the next night! You're the exact antithesis of Challenge! Why not try staying away from this girl for four or five days and give her a chance to miss you?

let me spell it out for you When she said you'd figure it out, she overrated you, pal. So I'll do the figuring for you. Let's look at your delusions, one by one. 1- It doesn't matter what Jeff said about you because only you lowered Erica's Interest Level. 2- Erica doesn't think about your feelings because she has none for you. 3- Erica's angry all right. She's angry because she spent too much time with you. 4- Sure, Erica has feelings for you. And on the way home tonight, you're going to be abducted by Bigfoot.

5- Yep, Erica and Jeff are back together. But you had to turn her off before she went back to him. Dear Henry, you've been smoking too much loco weed. Lose two friends? As long as they're making out, they don't care about you. They're so happy to be back together, you haven't even made a blip on their radar screen. Remember guys; women don't lie and men don't listen.

Never Let A Woman Walk All Over You Hey Doc, I met Stacy through the Internet personals. In her second e-mail, she gave me her phone number. We talked and made a date to meet at a club. She was two hours late, but I didn't think anything of it because she called me every half hour to assure me that she was on her way and that she was stuck in traffic. When we got together, she gave me all her attention. It was one of the best dates I've ever had. We agreed on another date, this time dinner and a movie, but when the day came and I called to confirm, she never answered her phone. I called a few times that day and left messages, but she never got back to me. Finally I stopped calling her. I was feeling angry and decided never to call her again. Two days later she e-mailed me an apology, then called and asked if the date was still open.

i agreed to another date Her excuse was that she'd gotten a call from her friends and really wanted to go out with them. When she remembered our date, she realized she couldn't call me because she'd left her phone at home. Of course I didn't believe her, but since she'd called me back and her Interest Level seemed like 75%, and I enjoyed our first date, I said yes. Then she did it again. The day we were supposed to get together, she didn't answer her phone and I didn't hear from her. She called me later and asked me to go out. I said yes. We met and again had lots of fun -- a great time, really. We have a lot in common and shared many thoughts and experiences. Naturally, we agreed on a third date.

strike three The third time she stood me up, I felt like garbage. I sent her an e-mail telling her that I liked her a lot, but if she's not going to make it to a date then I at least deserve a call, and that since we're only dating I would understand.

She called later and told me she agreed. She explained that at the moment she's not really looking for a commitment and only wants to be friends, but that maybe in the future that would change. She invited me to go out with her and her friends. I went, and again she stayed with me the whole time, cuddling and kissing and getting more intimate than ever before. My dilemma is that I like Stacy a lot because she is beautiful and attentive when we're together. Doc, do you think she could be testing me or teasing me? Do you think she might be interested in me but expects me to put in more effort? Help me understand what's going on. Woody -- who can't seem to rationalize his problem

doc love's answer Hi Woody, Your very first mistake was not telling Stacy, when she was late for your first date, that something had come up and you couldn't wait for her any longer, but that you'd make the date some other time. After that it was one mistake after the other... To you Psych majors, don't ever forget -- she has to respect you . Don't teach her that it's okay to jerk you around from the get-go. But you went on to a second date anyway. Now, reread what you wrote here. Stacy's told you that being with her friends -- who she's seen two or three times a week for the last 22 years -cannot possibly be postponed! Well, we wouldn't want to break that pattern, now would we? Golly gee, that would be an absolute no-no!

she's not into you But seriously, pal, it's a no-brainer. If her friends are more important than you, the precise translation of Stacy's Womanese runs something like this: "You can find my Interest Level in you at the bottom of the ocean!" The fact that your girlfriend forgot her cell phone and therefore couldn't call you reminds me that I've probably met her on the lecture circuit. Didn't she write a famous relationship book called A Thousand Excuses To Pull Out When Dumping A Date? Maybe you should have checked it out before you wined and dined her, and saved yourself the trouble.

Next, you tell me that Stacy's Interest Level is 75%. Jeez -- you attribute that level of interest to a girl who had you running a marathon with a sackful of rocks on your back?

stop taking punches Woody, did you happen to get a look at the beating you're taking? I'd hate to hear your idea of a lower Interest Level -- you'd be doing hard time in a labor camp! Are you really that lonely, pal? When you agreed to the next date, you were really asking for trouble. At that point do you know what Stacy was thinking? This guy is a real loser! Of course, her next thought was, Hmm... but he's got three major credit cards in his wallet begging to be used at a four-star restaurant! (Fellas, why not keep the first few dates down to a pizza and beer for 25 bucks? The point is not to try and buy a girl. Your objective should be to find out why she's really there, and expensive dates only cloud the issue. Even Paris Hilton digs some of the guys in the Arkansas backwoods, and they're not exactly rolling in the green stuff.) But just when I thought I'd heard it all, it turns out you're not through making totally incredible statements. You have lots in common? Guy, you two have nothing in common. Your Interest Level in Stacy is 100%, and hers in you is zero. As in nada . Therefore, you have absolutely nothing in common. There's no other way to say it.

beauty means nothing now So -- it took a third busted date for you to finally stand up and fight back, huh? A little late, I'm sorry to say. You were run over by a bloodthirsty tribe of Zulu warriors before it dawned on you that you were being slaughtered. (And they're friendly Indians at Little Big Horn!) Sure, Stacy's beautiful. Only the world's most dangerous creature, the Beautiful Woman, can get away with murder. But she's neither testing you nor teasing you. The odds of this girl being truly interested in you are about the same as all politicians agreeing to tell nothing but the truth starting tomorrow. Woody, since you have such pronounced masochistic tendencies, what I think you should do is buy Stacy a whip, then get on your knees and tell her all about how your mother didn't hug you when you were a kid. As the great Love Doctor Sigmund Freud once wrote: "For some guys, love is torture!" Remember guys; as my cousin Fast Eddie Love always says, "Don't be a doormat!"

Should You Believe Her Or Your Eyes? Hey Doc, I met Joanna at a bar. I approached her and asked if she and her friends would like to join my crew for drinks. They accepted and we all had a blast together. We agreed to meet as a group a few nights later, and again had a great time. Joanna seemed like an awesome find; she's down-to-earth, sweet, pretty, and fun to be around. Over the last few weeks, I've seen her once or twice a week. Everything was going great. Well, there's a problem... On our last date, which was at a party at one of her girlfriends' apartments, we were out on the balcony kissing when this other guy, Steve, came over and broke up our little session. I didn't think anything of it, but noticed later that he was trying to put the moves on Joanna. I was angry that he had the audacity to try something when he knew she was with me. Wisely, I played it cool. After we left, Joanna was very affectionate with me. I thought that I had handled the situation well and received my reward for my efforts, or lack thereof. I thought nothing more of Steve until she told me that she was going to be at a party that he and his roommate were hosting. "Have fun. I'll be out with my friends," I told her. At around 1 a.m., she called my cell phone and said she wanted to see me, so I offered to come and pick her up at the party. That's when everything went haywire.

caught red-handed When I arrived, everyone was quite drunk and Joanna was nowhere to be seen. I was told she was in the bathroom. I checked, but didn't find her. So I went into one of the bedrooms and sure enough, there was Joanna on the bed, passed out with Steve all cuddled up with her. (They were completely dressed.) I tried to wake her, but to no avail. I was angry and left immediately. The next day Joanna called and told me how sorry she was, and explained that she'd asked her friends to wake her up when I arrived. She also swore that when she went into the bedroom she was alone and that Steve must have come in after she was already asleep. She professed that she wasn't at all interested in him and that she wanted to make it up to me. I told her that I couldn't care less about what she does when I'm not around, but if I am involved, then she would have to show me some respect. I also told her that if it ever happened again, then she shouldn't even bother calling me. She told me it wouldn't. Believe it or not, it gets worse...

Now here's my dilemma. Her girlfriend's birthday party is coming up and they've rented a room at one of the hotels here in Las Vegas. She asked me to go, so I asked if Steve was going to be there too. She said he would, so I told her I wouldn't be coming considering what had just happened. Now I'm wondering if I should have told her that I would go, but it's too late to change my mind. My question is, how do you think I've handled this so far and what can I do to aid my cause against Steve? Furthermore, my gut tells me that Joanna has been telling some halftruths and lies of omission in reference to this guy. But on the other hand, why would she ask me to come pick her up if she was interested in him? What steps do I need to take to make her more interested in me than Steve or any other guys? Allen -- who's not sure what to believe

doc love's answer Hi Allen, You might be reading my columns, but you're certainly not paying attention to my advice. As I've told you guys again and again, group dates are a no-no . Being in a group was fine when you first met Joanna; in fact, bringing your two crews together was a cool move. But once you've made contact with the girl, staying in a crowd of people is nothing but a waste of time. The idea is to separate the one you're interested in from the herd, like a good hunter. As Caesar counseled, "Divide and conquer!" Hey -- are you interested in Joanna or her friends? Now, regarding your rivalry with Steve, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "You should take it as a compliment that he tried to rip you off." But the other guy doesn't really matter, pal. It's all about how you handle the girl -- and yourself -- that counts, and you haven't done such a hot job of either. Let's take a look at what you did wrong. So, you offered to pick Joanna up from Steve's little soiree ? I don't claim to have psychic powers, but from that little move I think I can guess your last name: L-U-Z-Z-E-R. (Hint: It sounds just like loser .) My God, Allen -- you're supposed to be a stud. You're supposed to be a lover. You're supposed to be a devil-may-care type of guy that every girl in town wants, and here you're doing the perfect imitation of a taxicab! You think a female can actually respect or have high Interest Level in you when you act like a wimp? Get off your knees, for God's sake, and be a man!

you're no detective But unfortunately, we know it gets worse. Of course Steve and your girl were all dressed up when you walked in on them. They were dressed because they were through doing what they'd been doing. That way it wouldn't look as if they were doing what they were doing! Get it? So upon making this shocking discovery, what do you do? You go back for another poke in the eye. Afterward, Joanna wants to make up with you. Isn't that wonderful? Allen -- she was sleeping in bed, in another guy's arms! How is she supposed to make that up to you? Maybe by handing over the Kimberly Mine? By telling her you couldn't care less about what she does when you aren't around, you achieved the exact opposite of what you were out to do -- you showed her you do care because it was important enough for you to bring up! Who do you think you're talking to, an idiot? Don't ever talk down to a woman. They're smarter than we are, don't forget. Guy, respect is earned . But you're too busy begging Joanna to let you chauffeur her all over town to earn yours. Let's face it -- you're even willing to pick her up when she's in the arms of another man, in bed! (Oh, but that was all an accident !) And at the end of this debacle, you tell her that it can never happen again. Wow, I'm impressed -- you're a regular Mister Tough Guy! Allen, your only dilemma is this: you're 10 years too late to start laying down the law. Forget Vegas. The party's over. Remember guys; your eyes never lie.

Should You Give In To Her Ultimatums? Hey Doc, My problem is a little unusual. I'm looking to you for some good advice. I was dating Samantha for about seven months before she had to go out of state to attend the best university business program in the country. (She was accepted before she even met me.) She said that if she'd met me beforehand, she would have accepted another offer she got that was closer to home, but as it is, she's going to be gone for a little over a year. We've been doing the long-distance dating thing for about four months now and she's always talking about how she wants to marry me. As far as calling and e-mailing me, she is completely consistent. I fly to see her and she flies to see me once a month. Once she finishes the program, our goal is to go to graduate school in the same city. In other words, things are going fine between us, but I have two concerns about our relationship.

two little issues

1- Samantha constantly asks me when we are going to get engaged. She says it in a joking way, but I know that she's serious. My question is, how should I respond? I'm completely in love with this girl and want to marry her, but what is the correct response to keep her Interest Level up? (Sometimes I joke that we should go to Las Vegas tomorrow. Other times I'll give her a more serious answer and say that we're headed in that direction. But I'm not sure that it would be the best idea to tie the knot so soon.) 2- Samantha cries at least twice a week when we're on the phone about how she wants me to pretty much drop everything right now and come and live with her. She tells me that I won't have to pay for anything, and that I can just live in her apartment. This week she took it a step further and gave me a sort of indirect ultimatum by telling me that she didn't know how she was going to deal with living apart from me for a whole year. "You need to move down here right now," she said. I found myself a little panic-stricken at the idea. Doc, how should I respond to this pressure? Our plans for the future sound fine to me as they are: Samantha finishes her program and the two of us go to grad school together. I tell her to relax about what's going on, but she insists that she misses me entirely too much to even concentrate on her work. I really hope you can help me here, Doc, before I do something stupid. Keith -- who doesn't know what he should do with her

doc love's answer Hi Keith, Let me start off by saying congratulations, man. I have to take my hat off to you -- you've got Samantha exactly where you want her. Your goal should be to keep her right there. Should he cave and move in with her? One very positive point we shouldn't lose sight of right up front is that Samantha said that had she met you before getting her out-of-state offer, she would have made a different choice and stayed closer to home. Do women with low Interest Level talk like that? No way -- only women on the other end of the Interest Level spectrum do. So this is about the strongest indication you can have of her high Interest Level -- assuming she's telling the truth.

tell her you'll marry her The right thing to do is let Samantha know that the two of you will get engaged after she comes back from school. This girl is straining at the leash like a hungry Doberman -- she's completely gone over you and can't wait to get back to you. And since you're deeply in love with her, it makes sense to take that step.

It's okay to give in to your girl here, buddy. (But make sure that she understands that she still has to be a nice girl when she's away at school, otherwise there will be no engagement. Remember old Pavlov's dog?) Don't worry about keeping her Interest Level up, pal. You've already pumped it into the stratosphere like a helium balloon -- she's going crazy for you right now! You're actually under rating her Interest Level, Keith. If this girl were any more nuts over you, she'd have to be committed. But don't you go getting bent out of shape or going gaga over the situation. Hey, you're not tying the knot just yet -you're only buying time by telling your babe you'll get engaged when she gets back.

she has a plan The reason Samantha's begging you to move in with her right now is not because she's a rigid or structured or hardheaded female, which is where most ugly ultimatums usually come from. She's doing this because her Interest Level is hitting the high 90s. Let's face it, man; she's ready to pay for everything . (Gee, I'm impressed, Keith. She's gotta be the first woman in the history of mankind to make that statement!) And so you reacted, at least on the inside -- you didn't practice Self-Control. Hopefully, you didn't say anything to her at that moment. It's okay to feel panic-stricken, but it's not good to express it verbally to the one you love. As General Love puts it, "Never show weakness at the critical moment!" But don't lose any sleep over all this "pressure." Samantha's bluffing. She's not going anywhere without you, Keith, as long as you keep playing your cards right.

ease her worried mind Reassure her that since you've already got four months of being apart out of the way, you've only got eight more to go. You're talking, you're e-mailing, and you're seeing her every fourth week. Tell her to keep her pants on! When she whines that she can't concentrate without you being there, tell her what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would tell her: "Honey, you're only a human being, and I understand." Forget about doing anything stupid, Keith -- don't do anything different, period. Just keep doing what you're doing because you're doing just about everything right. Relax -- you've got no problems. Just remind Samantha that if she's a good, patient girl for the next eight months, you'll reward her with that diamond. That'll keep her content. Remember guys; it's only okay to come on heavy after she does.

Is A Woman's Rejection Always Final? Hey Doc, I need you to straighten me out on something. When a woman says "no," does it always really mean no? I'm not talking about intimacy here. I'm simply referring to asking a girl out on a date . In the past, I've had girls decline or pass up the opportunity only to accept a date later on. Some of these girls weren't even involved with someone else, but my suspicion was that they said no just to be difficult, and eventually they gave in (and it turned out that they wanted to do it all along). I recently asked Greta out. We know each other from the club scene. She told me that she's really busy and trying to get her life together (whatever that means), so she couldn't go on a date with me. However, she has flirted with me, danced with me, and also given me outright hints as to where she's going to be on certain nights. My approach after getting blown off is to continue talking to her whenever I see her, but not mention going out for the time being. Frankly, I'm waiting for her to give me a big signal on her own. I figure that if she wants to go out, she'll make it obvious, and then I can go forward. Doc, my question is this: why do some women decline dates even though they aren't going out with anyone else? I'm talking about situations where the woman shows at least some interest but then declines when you ask her out. (I'm not talking about women who simply think you're repulsive.) Is it the chase that these women want? Or is it maybe that they think you're a player and just looking for a one-night stand, and the only way for her to find out if you really like her is if you come back for more and stick with it? I understand your theory that annoying a woman will only get you a restraining order, but we're talking about a woman who declines but continues to send out positive vibes. What's your take on this? Obviously some women decline but really want you, or they reconsider -I've seen it happen. One last thing. Any hints on how I should handle Greta? Thanks in advance. Richard -- who can't figure 'em out

doc love's answer Hi Richard, Can't figure 'em out, huh? Boy, that's the understatement of the year. Hey, Rich -- why in the world would you ask a woman out a second time after she's already turned you down the first time? That's what you should really be asking yourself. Usually when a woman says no, she's less apt to be interested in you, much less ask you out, than a woman who's never asked you out or hasn't already rejected you. Right? Or am I missing

something here? It doesn't take a detective to read these clues...

you'd believe anything Pal, how do you know all these females who decline dates aren't involved with someone else? Do you really go by what they say? Golly gee, you're the kind of fellow who probably still believes in Santa Claus and his elves, too! Welcome to the wonderful world of Womanese, my man! I'm going to let you in on a big secret here: women don't give in on anything . Ever. Especially in the dating game. They operate only according to their own self-interest. So if a girl likes you, it's stupidity on her part to be difficult. In other words, she's going to make it easy for you when she's interested, Einstein! Now, let's move on to your next problem. Greta, you report, "needs to get her life together." I'm going to let you in on a second invaluable secret. Whenever you hear those words, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "You should be doing a world-record sprint in the other direction!" It means she's a woman to avoid at all costs! The last thing in the world you want to be doing with a babe who claims to be in disarray is dancing with her. She keeps flirting with you -- but won't go out with you -- so why dance with her? It's a waste of your time, Richard. You could be spending that valuable time trying to hook up with someone who's truly interested in you.

location, location, location And another thing, guys -- nightclubs aren't the only place to meet women. Let's face it: this is where game playing is the rule rather than the exception, and in the shadows of a nightclub, it's not always easy to figure out what's what. Here are some great, tried-and-true places to meet women:  yoga class  wine tasting clubs  swing dance class  cooking class  acting class  New Age seminars  comedy improv workshops  weddings

 volunteer activities The atmosphere is much more wholesome and sincere, and you'll do much better at those places, guaranteed. Richard is in dreamland...

wake up! To your claim that Greta was dropping major hints about where she was going to be on certain nights, my response is -- so what? Even if you weren't just fantasizing that she was clueing you in, it doesn't amount to anything solid anyway. What you should have been going after was her home phone number, and if you'd gotten it, you should have called her. Makes sense, doesn't it? Now the one thing you did do that I'll give you a little credit for is continuing to talk to Greta after she blew you off -- it showed some class, and that you weren't completely destroyed by her rejection. On the other hand, let's be real here, Richard -- that wasn't why you were doing it. You were merely biding your time until you could go in for another whipping. And go in for another whipping you did. Richard, Richard, Richard -- why would Greta give you a "big signal" following a "no"? Don't you get that the odds are already against you, twice? Of course she knows you like her! Not because you asked her out the first time, but because after she turned you down, you were ready to ask her for another beating. She'd have to be blind and dumb to not know you're after her -- the problem is, she has no respect for you. And by the way, guy -- how are you assuming this power and position with Greta when you have absolutely zilch evidence that she gives a farthing for you?

the writing's on the wall The Reality Factor says that women decline dates because they're not interested in you or would rather be alone. They'd rather look at an empty refrigerator than go out with you, which means that they don't even want to use you for a free meal. That's pretty bleak. Period. Simple as that. So why do Greta and the others like her supposedly lead you on? Because women flirt. They're born flirts. They're just having fun. Big deal. It means nothing to them, and it shouldn't mean anything to you. I'll bet that if I opened up the dictionary and looked up the word "imagination," I'd see your face right there next to the definition. You're right, Richard, harassing a woman will only get you a restraining order, so at least you've learned something from "The System." So lay off Greta. Wouldn't it have been better

if you'd gotten negative vibes from her and copped her home phone number? Remember guys; only like somebody if they like you first.

She Won't Commit But Won't Let Go Hey Doc, I started dating Erin in August 2002. We had about five or six dates, but were otherwise seeing other people and things were moving very slowly. In December, she asked me to go to New York for New Year's Eve. We went, had a fantastic time, and then things took off more seriously. From that point, we both decided to date each other exclusively. I fell in love with Erin and she fell in love with me. We went on a number of trips together and I treated her like gold. She was good to me in return, though I would have preferred it if she were more of a Giver. All in all, she is a fantastic woman and has the kind of values that I want in a life partner. However, I can see now that to some extent, I wasn't much of a Challenge as time went on.

living apart We are both conservative and would never live together before marriage, so moving in with Erin was never an issue -- it was always when and if we were going to get married. And marrying her was something I was mentally preparing to do, but I was just waiting for her signals to become more clear. About two months ago, I noticed subtle changes in her behavior. She did a few minor things that indicated she was losing interest, so I asked her if that was the case. She assured me this was not so, and being in a state of mind where I heard her say what I wanted to hear, I chose to believe her. Well, one day out of nowhere she suggested that she needs "time apart." Not being a total idiot, I said time apart wasn't for me, and I defined my boundaries quite clearly and said if she was committed to me, then great, but if she wasn't, then we should stop seeing each other altogether and just end things like adults. She did not like me setting my boundaries so strictly because I suspect they were rather unsettling for her and not convenient for whatever it was she was trying to achieve.

now she won't let go Anyway, for the past six weeks I've been trying to distance myself from Erin (a painful and difficult experience). Over this same time period, she has shown up at my house

(unannounced) to "visit my family" when she knew I was there, she has called me numerous times and has sent me a number of e-mails. Initially I was sucked into these antics. On one occasion, on my deceased mother's birthday, Erin's sister was giving birth that same day. She called me and was upset, so I took a pizza to her house to cheer her up. On another occasion, I accidentally bumped into her when I was out with a (female) friend for a drink. Every encounter with her is totally awkward and draining, and last week I reiterated to her that I wanted to stay away from her until she has some clarity about what she wants, and in the meantime I'm going to get on with my life. Doc lets Les have it... Given that I genuinely love this woman and care for her deeply, what would you recommend that I do? I can't allow her to treat me like a revolving door, but I don't want to entirely shut her out if she is somehow trying to extend an olive branch without coming right out and saying it. As we all know, women are best judged by their actions, and right now hers are rather inconsistent (which implies low interest). I know I can't do anything to control her, but when she contacts me again (which she inevitably will, either in person, or by phone or e-mail), what is the best thing for me to do? Les -- who is "Mister Confused"

doc love's answer Hi Les, Let's clear something up right out of the chute. The decision to "date exclusively" wasn't made by you and Erin together. She decided to date you exclusively. What have I told you guys in the past? We pick, but they choose. Big difference, and one you shouldn't lose sight of. And why did she make that decision? Because you managed to drive her Interest Level up into the 90s. At least for a little while... Les, when you use the word "gold," I'm very suspicious that you're acting like a stooge. I'm the best love cop on Earth, and my evidence for saying that is that Erin's Interest Level, by your own admission, began to drop. And as time goes on, being anti-Challenge will continue to lower Interest Level. (But I do want to compliment you on recognizing that Erin was not a Giver. You recognized that onethird of what she has to offer you wasn't all that great, so you were down to two-thirds of a woman.)

she stopped wanting you So let's get this straight, pal -- moving in with Erin was never an issue, not because you went to the same church, but because she had lowered Interest Level in you. It's worth looking at this phenomenon more closely. Interest Level doesn't plummet suddenly from 95% to 35%. It sinks slowly, as the guy -- you, in this case -- says and does all the wrong things. And the guy thinks that he can get away with it because the girl is already locked in. And she is -- when her Interest Level is at 95%. But eventually it will drop to 93%... then 89%... and then 84%... and when it hits the magic number 49%, that's it, boy -you're all washed up. Now Les, I'll give you $100 million if you can get a woman to say, when you ask her what she wants in a man, that she wants a guy who doesn't lower her Interest Level by kissing her fanny. When Erin told you she needed time apart, you should have said nothing. You should have smiled and walked out. You don't sit there and give her your game plan, you don't tell her how you feel, you don't tell her what you're going to do -- you leave . But you did all this stuff. And in her mind, it was another wimpy form of begging . Les should've walked, but he endured even more torture...

breaking up is hard to do You went on to tell her that you should break up like adults. Les, exactly how do adults break up? As far as I know, there are no sweet, mature ways to do it. When Erin informed you that she needed her space, that was it. Finito . The end. You hit the magic number: 49%. Of course she'll play with you like a cat plays with a mouse at 40% to 49% and give you a little false hope, but when it hits 39%, she's in the arms of another guy. In other words, she'll play with your head until she strikes pay dirt with another jerk, another weakling.

you think you're a tough guy? But whoa, wait a second here -- you got tough and set some hard boundaries that really bothered your girl, huh? Sorry, Les, but she wasn't really upset. It was just a little smokescreen she threw up that had nothing to do with anything. She was grabbing at something, anything, to indicate her low Interest Level. (The problem is, women never come out and say it. "He lowered my Interest Level due to his deportment," is not something you'll ever hear tumbling out of a lady's lovely bee-stung lips.)

So what happened to all those tight boundaries when Erin showed up at your home? Why didn't you just duck out? Why didn't you tell her you were going to the kitchen for a second, then walk straight out the back door and come back at midnight? Because you wanted the torture. I just hope you haven't answered any of her phone calls or emails. I have a feeling you did, though. Know why? Because you took that pizza with the works over to her when she didn't even ask you to. A huge, huge mistake. Les -- you're delivering pizza ? Aren't you a little embarrassed, at your age, to be a delivery boy for a girl who doesn't want to possess you?

you shoulda walked What you should have done when you bumped into Erin was start making time with your female friend. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you kiss me in front of her," you should have offered your gal-pal. Know why these encounters are so draining? Because you're not prepared for them. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Keep it fun and keep it light. And never, ever let 'em know they got to you!" You have to be on top of your game at all times, buddy. Unfortunately, Erin doesn't give a hoot, Les. Until she's crying on your doorstep for you to take her back, she's got all the clarity she needs. How many times do I have to tell you guys -the woman only cares about her feelings? In her mind that's all that counts. She's extending an olive branch, you say? They're Molotov cocktails she's hurling at you, man! Can't you tell the difference? Jeez, you'd have better luck negotiating with Fidel Castro! Inconsistent actions, you say? Wrong! She's very consistent. She said she needed her freedom and she's not in your arms! Sounds totally consistent to me. The best thing for you to do now, Les, is block Erin's incoming e-mail. If she calls you on the phone and you accidentally pick up, say, "How have you been, baby? Look, I'd like to talk to you, but my date's in the bathroom. But I want you to know something. She doesn't mean a thing to me. You know you're the one. So keep in touch..." Click . Then go back to reading the Bible. Remember guys; when it's over, leave first.

Should You Stay Friends With An Ex? Hey Doc, The girl I'm currently dating is A total keeper. Sumino has all the qualities men want in a woman. She treats me like a king! And I'm totally in love with her.

So here's my problem, Doc. Before I started dating Sumino, I was constantly hanging out with my best friend, Courtney, usually once or twice a week. We would go out for coffee or just hang out at her house. (Courtney and I used to date when we met at my last job, and after our relationship was over, we stayed friends.) And if I had a chance to date Courtney again I wouldn't because she's not girlfriend material (she has many flaws). Well, after six months of dating, Sumino and I had an intense confrontation. She told me that she didn't want me to talk to or hang out with Courtney anymore. Sumino says that since Courtney is my ex-girlfriend, she has a problem with my seeing her. I told Sumino that Courtney and I dated in the distant past, that our romance was ancient history, and that it didn't mean anything to me. She countered with, "It doesn't matter. The fact is, she's your ex," and she wants me to completely disassociate myself from Courtney. The strange thing is that I truly consider Courtney my best friend. So I'm torn in two directions, Doc. I leveled with Sumino about the fact that Courtney is indeed my closest friend. She got extremely angry. I was surprised at this wildly emotional reaction because I have never seen that side of her. Frankly, it was a little disturbing. I can't just let go of Courtney because she means a lot to me, but I don't want to make my current girlfriend upset because I see a future with her. So what should I do, Doc? Do I stop hanging out with Courtney and give in to Sumino's demands, or do I just let Sumino stew in her jealousy? Paul -- who's stuck in the middle

doc love's answer Hi Paul, Well, I gotta hand it to you. You seem to be able to hold the attention of two women. That's the good news. The bad news is that you don't quite know what to do with either one of them. I'll straighten you out here, but as the great bard Shakespeare once said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark." Doc examines Paul's past romance...

investigate the ex By the way, Paul, who dropped whom in your relationship with Courtney? Elementary. As the great relationship detective Sher"Love" Holmes would conclude, "Apparently you dropped her, because when a gal drops a guy, the last thing she wants is to stay friends with him!" Taking it a step further, you say you wouldn't want to date Courtney, but the more interesting question here is, would she want to date you ? The answer is 50% yes. The other 50% is that odds are Sumino knows that you were intimate with this girl. And when a girl's in love, she's like a kitty kat -- territorial. She doesn't want

other pussycats around her man. Don't forget this basic law of dating, Paul -- kitty kats kompete .

is she perfect or not? You mention something else that's very curious: Courtney has "many flaws." Then why the hell is she playing Siegfried to your Roy? What flaws does she have that don't work in a girlfriend but are acceptable in a pal? Paul, this is like saying "I don't want Courtney because she's a thief. I wouldn't want to be in love with a thief, but I'll certainly have a thief as my best friend!" Aren't you contradicting yourself here? Or more dangerously -- rationalizing? Come on, dude! What in the world are you talking about? You've got to get your head straight or the next thing you'll be doing is playing golf with O.J. Nevertheless, what you should have done was pin Sumino down on what was wrong with seeing Courtney casually if the romance between the two of you is indeed dead. And you should have pressed for a straight answer. What you got instead was a generality, which did both of you a disservice. When you're involved in a significant, big-time argument, you need to get at the truth in order to avoid the festering resentment that can undermine all relationships.

think about your girl But let's dig deeper. Your romance with Courtney "didn't mean anything" -- to you . But what does it mean to Sumino? You should have convinced your current girlfriend that it meant nothing so far as she was concerned. In other words, you left out what was really important. What Sumino would have said, if she were being completely honest, was that the situation is negative because Courtney wants back in with you . And if she'd said anything else, then you'd have to cut her loose. Sumino's jealousy is the only thing that counts in this mess. Any other explanation would have been worthless -- because she has no right to tell you who you can and can't run around with. So what should Paul do? Find out... You keep repeating that Courtney is your best friend. How come you're not hanging out with the guys ? Don't you have two or three drinking buddies like most guys do? What are you doing with a girl as a best friend? I'm not saying it's not socially acceptable, but don't you think you should have two or three guys in line ahead of her?

where are your guys? The point is that something is wrong with this picture. Paul, if you don't have a few male pals to hang with, your girlfriend should be your closest friend (even though I generally deplore the word when it comes to dating relationships). If you're thinking long-term with this babe,

shouldn't she be your bosom buddy instead of a flawed ex? When it comes down to it, Sumino is furious with you because you're telling her that your best friend is an ex-flame. Don't you see that to a girl that sounds baffling at best? Or as they say in Tel Aviv, "It ain't kosher!"

she'll owe you one Finally, it bothers me that you're speaking more highly of a discard than you are of your main squeeze, the one you say you really want to be with. Even if you don't come straight out and say it, that's what I'm reading between the lines here. Maybe you have to look in the mirror and face up to what's really there. But if you really want Sumino for the rest of your life, you have to capitulate to her demands and get rid of Courtney. But upon doing so, you have to say to her: "Darling, if you want me to, I'm going to get rid of her -- for you . But you owe me one -- a big one!" Let Sumino know that if any major issues arise between you in the future, you're going to wave this IOU over her head like a flag. Because hopefully this is the first and last time she asks you to do something you really don't want to do. Remember guys; don't waste your time with a has-been.

Should You Cheat To Keep Her Interested? Hey Doc, I've been in this relationship with my wife, Meredith, for 18 years now. I met her when I was 13 years old, and she was the same age. Back then she had very high Interest Level in me. Throughout our teens, our pattern was to break up for a few months, find other relationships, and then when I wanted her back, she would leave her current boyfriend for me. We've now been married for 10 years and have three kids, and I've come to the realization that her Interest Level in me is low (very low). This year she decided she wanted a divorce and took interest in a family friend (my old navy buddy), and they decided they were going to move in together. They were even making wedding plans.

from heartbreak to player I was heartbroken for about three months. Depressed, I stayed home with the kids on the weekends while Meredith was out painting the town. Finally, I decided to take my wedding band off, and when I did, women came at me from everywhere. I started dating too and leaving Meredith with the kids on weekends.

Women were sending me cards, watches and other gifts. When this happened, Meredith's Interest Level in me began to rise again. I slept in the guest bedroom, and one morning I caught her sneaking around in there reading the cards and going through my pockets, checking for women's telephone numbers. When she realized I was awake, she threw a fit. She said I had the smell of other women on me, castigated me for being out late, and accused me of being loose. Her Interest Level was high again. We made up and I took her back. Now, with predictability and the passage of a little time, her Interest Level is low again. I can't say anything without her getting offended. Every now and then I do something special for her, and she doesn't appreciate it at all. It seems like she actually hates me. Do I have to cheat again to raise her Interest Level? Should I send myself some flowers to spark her Interest Level? I refuse to let her see my concern, and act as though I'm not even bothered by her loss of interest. What do I do? It seems that we can't escape the pattern we established when we first met as kids. Lee -- who wants to break the vicious cycle

doc love's answer Hi Lee, Here's your problem in a nutshell. You and Meredith started out on the wrong foot. It's not as if you two were on the same page from day one, that you never had any problems until now, that you never had to break up, and so forth. Things won't change until you do... The deadly pattern you find yourself mired in right now kicked in when you were 13 years old . So guy, you have to ask yourself this question: Why? All this agonizing back-and-forth stuff that you put yourself through is simply an extension of what happened between you and Meredith at the very beginning. If that weren't the case, we'd have a different diagnosis for your problem. But like a dog chasing after its own tail, you two are lost in a nasty cycle of breaking up and getting back together. What it tells me is that you probably really didn't dig Meredith that much in the first place. At any rate, this has been a longstanding pattern. And the pattern says that you guys were never meant for each other despite the fact that you had three kids.

But let's give you the benefit of the doubt anyway, and examine some of the specifics of your dilemma.

she's manipulative First of all, Meredith might have gone after your buddy just because he was your buddy. She might not really even like the guy, have you thought of that? There's a strong possibility that she was just rubbing that relationship in your face. After all, you and she have been good at tormenting each other over the years, right? (And by the way - it's okay for her to run around; even to get it on with one of your old friends, but when you do the same thing, it's horrible. Whatever happened to "what's good for the goose is good for the gander"? As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "So much for a fair fight!") Taking Meredith back was basically a mistake, dude. It was okay to make up with her for the sake of the kids you brought into the world, but you were way too easy. She will never respect you...

she'll never respect you When you take a woman back after she's making time with your best buddy, she knows she can get away with anything in the future and she has no respect for you whatsoever. And Interest Level is built on respect. You see, pal, Meredith's Interest Level plummeted all over again because you went back to your old ways. If you would have been a Challenge to your wife, then maybe you could have kept her Interest Level up. Her interest dips more times than a yo-yo because you don't continue doing the things that bring her back. You keep reverting to your old ways again and again, thereby perpetuating the mutually destructive pattern. Lee, I have to tell you that you're a real glutton for punishment. Didn't I once see your picture next to the word "masochist" in Webster's Dictionary?

unappreciative woman Once you do something special for a woman and she doesn't appreciate it -- and this goes for any woman, not just your wife -- why in the world would you do it again? "If you don't get a sugar-sweet thank you for your romantic gestures," as Sal "The Fish" Love says, " fuggedaboutit !" And forget too about continuing to cheat, Lee. By being a cheat, you wear yourself down, and

in that mode you're being a negative challenge . What you need to be -- and what you've never been throughout this excruciating process of torture -- is a positive challenge. You don't have to imitate Hugh Hefner and run around with 10 women to raise Meredith's interest, but you can keep your hands to yourself and keep the conversation light and funny, and let her initiate intimacy. If you study my principles, you'll know that that's the way to do it. This advice applies whether it's your first date or after 18 years of marriage. You did do one thing right, though, and this might be something you can build on if there's any hope left for the two of you. It's great that you're not letting Meredith see your concern over her loss of interest. That's where you should be at all times. (And yes, mail yourself some flowers once a week for a month, or send yourself some candy and sign the cards with the names of different girls, with notes like "Your secret admirer" and "I love you for your mind" and "You're the greatest thing since popcorn!" That sort of thing.)

prognosis negative So here's the Doctor's prognosis: if Meredith's Interest Level hasn't dropped into the 40s, you have a shot at salvaging the marriage. You say you love your wife, but Lee, I have to ask you this question: Are you in love with your wife? Even though I counsel you guys never to consider your own Interest Level in a woman, in this case I have to ask: What do you want? You've got to be introspective and brutally honest as far as what's going on inside your psyche. Where's your Interest Level in Meredith? Exactly why are you going back and forth with this gal? That's what needs to be delved into here. That's the question that's begging for an answer, and at the end of the day only you can provide it, even if you don't like the answer. But as with anything in life, as my Uncle Jethro Love once wisely observed, "When you're off on the wrong foot, boy, you're gonna have a hard road ahead of you!" Remember guys; when you break up, don't waste your time by going back.

Did She Reject You Or Your Kids? Hey Doc, April and I were together for over a year and a half. When we broke up, we still loved each other very much. Her reasoning was that I am a single father with custody of four kids and an ex-wife who is largely absent from her kids' lives. April was very intimidated by taking on this kind of responsibility and ultimately felt she couldn't do it. She also felt that I couldn't give her the time she needed, and so the relationship ended.

However, we remained friends for a short while and then ceased all contact. Neither of us could take the total separation and we started to talk again and date with the agreement (at her insistence) that we are still "broken up." However -- again, her idea -- we are exclusive as far as intimacy goes. She told me that she dated a couple of guys when we were apart, but she found that their qualities weren't as strong as mine, which brought her closer to me. We have now been "dating" again for about three months. I have been bending over backwards to show her how much I love her and that our relationship can work. I give her cards, flowers and compliments, and have been pretty much at her beck and call. I know that this can be dangerous (too nice, too sweet, no Challenge, etc.).

she's hot and cold Lately I've had a strong gut feeling that April may be losing interest in me, and that maybe she's seeing someone else. She'll be very loving one day and the very next day she'll seem distant or indifferent. There have been times when it seems like she really doesn't want that long kiss or much of a kiss at all. Once in a while she'll bring up the "fact" that we're "broken up." When I'm at her place and her phone rings, she'll ignore it or just look at the caller ID and act paranoid. When we were "together," her phone hardly ever rang, but since we've been "just dating," it seems to ring a little more often. The other night she answered and told the caller she would call back later. She told me it was her mother, though when she was on the phone, it didn't sound like she was talking to her mom. However, even during her "cold" stages, April tells me that she loves me, calls me pet names, etc. She even mentions the future and says stuff like, "Someday we'll have to do this," or mentions doing something together two or three months down the road. In other words, she leads me to believe that we could possibly have a long-term future together. Is Spencer dreaming or does he have a chance? Find out...

am i being paranoid? I always trusted April 100% throughout our relationship. But now I find myself agonizing over whether she's lying to me or seeing someone else. I find myself overanalyzing and obsessing over every little thing she does. I wonder what she's doing on her lunch hour, what time she's getting home from work, and what she means when she says something fairly trivial. I know this sounds like the ranting of a madman, but it has been really hard and love does make you crazy. I don't ask April questions or pressure her because I know it can make things worse. But I'm getting to a point where I feel that I have to talk to her about all these things I'm feeling.

Doc, from your experience, do you think I'm a victim of my own imagination and there's really nothing to worry about? Or do you think she's being dishonest with me and stepping out behind my back? Is she protecting herself so that if we truly break up, she won't be as hurt? Is she stringing me along and just waiting to find someone else? Or do you think it's the fact that I have all those kids? Help me, Doc. Spencer -- who can't take this much longer

doc love's answer Hi Spencer, You and April still love each other very much? You mean to tell me that she has 95% Interest Level in you yet goes ahead and breaks up with you anyway? I'm scratching my head here -does this picture make any sense at all? Know what, Spence? It doesn't. April knew you had four kids when you started going out with her. She didn't drop you and your four kids when she had high Interest Level in you, did she? But when a woman's interest flags, she's going to concoct an excuse to distance herself. In this case, it was your kids. The only reason April's back with you is because she can't make out elsewhere. You're back with her because you miss her. So your agendas are different. And by the way, if April had gone out with 102 guys instead of just a couple when she was doing her comparisons, you might have a leg to stand on. But as it is, she's just getting started. Your main problem, Spencer, is that you're bending over backwards all the time. You're what I call Wimpus Americanus , the most pathetic species of U.S. male. Doing things for your girlfriend in itself isn't dangerous at all. But I don't see you giving me a laundry list of all the things April's done for you , other than smell good and look pouty and hot in her miniskirt! Doc sets Spencer straight...

face the music Now let's face reality here, guy. As the world's top authority on women, that's my job -- to help you face reality. When April tells you about all the stuff that might happen "down the road," it's nothing but Womanese for chopped liver -- leftovers. The odds of it happening? Zilch. See how she works your ego? With the skill of an acclaimed artist. Never will a woman tell a guy, "My Interest Level in you is only in the 30s and 40s!" She'll blame your kids, problems in school, money worries, her mom's sickness, everything except the real reason she's tired of you: "My Interest Level in you is in the commode!"

From what you're reporting, it's obvious that April's both lying to you and seeing someone else. You're overanalyzing and obsessing because your gut is telling you that everything she says is a falsehood. And she knows you're so gone over her, so whipped, you'll eat any crap she throws out.

she's not in love with you Sure, love can make you temporarily crazy. But when a woman is in love, she doesn't go crazy, she becomes submissive . She doesn't want to see other guys. She's consistent in her behavior. She doesn't send confusing signals. Time to wake up and smell the jungle gardenias! Pressuring April now isn't going to hurt anything, Spence. Because as "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Once her Interest Level hits 49%, it ain't ever comin' back!" And by the way, have you ever noticed that when a woman's Interest Level is in the 90s, you never have to have those painful "talks?" I wonder why that is, guys? Duh! Spencer, your list of questions tells me that you've gotten about halfway to the truth. You are a victim of your imagination, but there's everything to worry about! Women with low Interest Level don't mind lying. April's just convalescing with you because she went through a couple of turkeys, but she'll be out looking again soon. You finally made the truth-o-meter sing when you asked if she was stringing you along until she finds someone else. Bingo ! Let me tell you something, friend -- if you owned oil wells in Texas, you could have 22 kids and it wouldn't matter to April. Remember guys; when it's over, it's over.

It's Women's Actions That Matter Hey Doc, I've been dating Eve for a few months now and I'm a little confused. Our romance really took off one month into our relationship, but only recently did she reveal to me her "secret": she's still legally married and waiting for her divorce papers to come through. (She was married for three years and has been separated for six months.) She does not contact her ex; in fact, he doesn't even know where she lives. (No kids, by the way.) I see Eve twice a week, and she stays with me at least one of those two times. We have fun

together and she's extremely affectionate with me. She has hinted many times to friends and family that she has long-term plans for me.

a drunken mistake This past New Year's Day, I made the Jack Daniel's-induced blunder of asking if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She politely said she was not ready, so I quickly switched subjects. Two days later, we went out again and she told me that now her life is finally settling down again. (Her divorce finally came through, she bought a car, moved out of her dad's home into her own place, and got a job.) Eve shows a lot of interest in me (even all my buddies who've met her agree), but she's reluctant to commit to being my steady, even after acknowledging that she's not seeing anyone else and wants us to be more romantically close than ever.

she likes being single At the same time, she also makes comments that reveal how much she appreciates being single and spending time with her girlfriends. She mentioned that her ex was a control freak who didn't let her have friends, and moved her to a solitary house in a small town. As a result, I've pulled back a little. But recently, on my birthday, Eve came to my place and gave me over $100 in gifts, even though she's not doing so great financially. Doc, I want Eve to be mine. What should I do? Is it worthwhile to wait and keep being a Challenge? Am I rushing or am I wasting my time? Finally, was the fact that she didn't tell me she was married a simple sin of omission, or should I be more concerned about it? Tracy -- who needs some expert guidance

doc love's answer Hi Tracy, First of all, calm down, guy! You're in much better shape here than you realize. Let me explain. I don't think a woman should have to spill that she's going through a divorce on the first date. I don't think it's any guy's business -- and, vice versa, any girl's business. As Interest Level climbs in a relationship, then it's the proper time to bring up that sort of information. And Eve has done just that. She's been appropriately open and honest. She isn't hiding anything.

Remember; it's not like the two of you have been together for a year and a half, and she's been holding out on you for some shady reason. In other words, the point when she told you about her marital situation was in proportion to the time you've been dating. Look on the bright side because there is one...

she's interested dude The reason Eve's so affectionate with you is because her Interest Level's way up in the 90s. No kids? Doesn't see her ex? This is very rare, my friend. You got a pretty clean deal on this one, Trace. I hope you realize how lucky you are. Instead, you're going after the wrong thing. You're looking for a negative because she won't verbally commit, but her actions indicate her real feelings, which is all that counts. Eve could tell you that she hates you, but as long as she's with you all the time and nobody else, that's all that matters. And the icing on the cake is that she's spending on you when she's not flush. I've got news for you, pal: women don't do that unless they really dig you.

she won't repeat mistakes The fact that Eve is freshly separated is what's scaring her. She's just getting out of a legal bind with what sounds like an abusive spouse, and when she hears you insisting on new ties, she freaks out a little. (Can you blame her?) As long as you get your two days a week with her and she's all over you like white on rice, don't panic. And don't pay attention to her chatter, because it's just that -- nervous chatter. To you Psych majors, the woman is supposed to ask you to be her boyfriend. This is where you've got it backwards, Tracy. The only right time to find out if she wants to be your steady is when she brings it up, not the other way around. That way there won't be any mistakes and misinterpretations on your part.

at least she's moving on You mention that Eve's getting her life together. Hallelujah! You gotta love this girl. Just look at all the proactive things she's doing to become independent and self-sufficient. Some women milk their divorces (and their exes) for three or four years, but Eve's moving right on with her life, and not wasting any time doing it. She knows that making mistakes is okay when you try and fix them quickly.

She got rid of her husband and fortunately he's not hanging around causing problems. And you still get your two days a week together. This one's an ace, buddy.

stop talking about it You have to learn to ease off the verbal pressure, dude. Girls want to have girlfriends. Eve's husband was against that. And so when you bring up the notion of a commitment, she fears she's going to lose her freedom again. (And by the way, she just mentions the girls in passing -- she's not talking about them every five minutes or for hours on end.) It's good that you're sensitive to what the lady's saying, but your interpretation of her words is off. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "When it comes to a good woman, don't look a gift horse in the mouth!" And you've got a good one here. That $100 worth of gifts says it all. She came to your place, she's broke, and she's spending money on you. Now, is this girl a Giver or what? Does this girl have high Interest Level? The answer is yes. What you should do is this: remain a Challenge, keep your mouth shut, and stop trying to rush the girl. She likes you a lot. You have nothing to worry about. Let her ask you for a commitment. Remember guys; only women know the right time.

The Ultimate Dating Turnoff Hey Doc, I happened to be looking for advice about my current boyfriend when someone referred me to "The System." I know that you don't normally give advice to females, but maybe my problem can be a warning to guys about what not to say on the third date. Here's what happened. I was out with this guy -- I'll call him Angelo -- I've been seeing for about two weeks. While we were driving home from a date, he told me that his greatest fear in life is being alone. This really ticked me off because it was like saying (to me, anyhow) that "I'm only dating you because I'm too afraid to sleep in an empty bed." It's the unmanliest thing any guy has ever said to me. Not to mention that he's told me that he loves me twice already. In his defense, he was drunk both times, but God, this guy comes off like such a loser! Here I thought Angelo had real long-term possibilities for romance, and he

comes out with this lame stuff before I hardly even know his full name. When we got to my apartment, I told Angelo not to say that he loves me again and that all I want is some fun, not get married after knowing him for 14 whole days! The problem is that he's smart, good-looking, funny, and actually quite independent. To me, these are the four most important qualities in a guy, and you don't find them very often. I don't really want to lose him, but I might have no choice but to dump him if he doesn't get himself under control, and fast. I was thinking that maybe you could give me the name of your female "love doctor" equivalent? Otherwise, I could really use any advice you can give me. Jill -- who's frustrated with weaklings

doc love's answer Hi Jill, Angelo deserves a spanking all right. But before I lay the paddle on him, you deserve a little reprimand too; you tried to sneak one by me. You said Angelo was "quite independent." Does an independent guy say the things he's been saying? Would he have to rely so heavily on his buddy Jack Daniel's to get him through a simple date? Would he come off as such a simp? Think about it, Jill. Nevertheless, I want to thank you very much for your letter because there's a great deal of truth in it. As my Uncle Jethro Love says, "The vast majority of men aren't 'macho' -- they're actually wimps, despite the fact that they can bench-press 300 pounds!" So, Jill, whether or not you realize it, you sure hit this one on the head. Are you like Angelo? You'd better read on...

it's up to us Now, you and I are going to train these losers. Let's say you go out with two guys, and one of them is like Angelo -- he really does have a fear of being alone in the dark and he can't stop emoting about it. But so does the other guy. But guess what? The other guy keeps it fun and light, and he doesn't bring it up every five minutes. He laughs and is easygoing and doesn't blab about his emotional vulnerability. It's Angelo's problem; he's going to have to live with it and he's the only one (with the exception of Sigmund Freud) who can help him discover the root of his problem and how to get rid of it. Now my question is this: Which one of these two guys are you going to want to

be with? The one who's fun and light (despite his problem) -- or the one who's filled with angst and need and wears his heart on his sleeve? Do you want a shrinking violet or a man?

why do you care? But Jill, I'm a coach, not a headshrinker, so my point is this: if he doesn't raise your Interest Level, why are we talking about it? As Reverend Love once told me, "Negatives keep the heart -- temporarily ." Let me tell you something: it's not "unmanly" to be built the way Angelo is built. His parents did a lousy job and I feel sorry for him. But as General Love wrote about the battleground of dating, "You can broadcast your problems to the world, but half the world doesn't care! (The other half says, 'You deserve it, pal!')" My principles instruct, "On those first dates, the woman should be doing about 75% of the talking." Look at Angelo -- not even two weeks in, and already he's talking about love! I've said it consistently in "The System" and my articles. I've said it over and over from day one. Keep it light. Keep it funny. No heavy subjects. No wallowing in self-pity. No confessions of love. I've said it all a million times, but unfortunately, Angelo never read my words. For this type of guy, it probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway.

these guys gotta learn And Jill, I feel sorry for you, too, babe. The truth is that, in one way or another, most guys are like Angelo. Somehow they got the idea that you're going to come along and just blow away all their pain. But women aren't there for that reason. As Father Love says, "Women are there to love you. But they can't take your pain away." One final thing. As far as my female counterpart goes, forget it. There isn't one on the planet who knows the male -- or female -- psyche like I do. As I put it in my Dating Dictionary : When in doubt, forget about the other love doctors -- refer to "The System." Remember guys; unless it raises Interest Level, why are we talking about it?

Why Won't She Call You "Boyfriend"? Hi Doc, I've been dating Julie for about five months, thanks to "The System," but there's one thing she does that confuses me. Last night she said she doesn't want to make a commitment or be exclusive with anyone right

now. She says that we aren't really exclusive even though neither one of us has dated anyone else since we started our relationship. She says she's happy with the way things are, and she's not pursuing anyone else because she likes me and loves my company. But -- she doesn't want to put a "label" on our relationship right now.

commitment scares her Julie is only 22, likes to flirt with guys and is very popular, so I can see how a "commitment" to me might make her think that it would change her life, but she made it sound as if, were we exclusive, I would monopolize her time and have to be the number one priority in her life. But I'm not looking for that; I want time away from her too, so that both of us can hang out with friends. Her definition of "commitment" and "exclusive" seem pretty serious, and I told her that. On the other hand, my definition of those two terms isn't as heavy, and actually pretty much describes what we're doing right now. We already see a lot of each other. She talks to me every day (she calls me 75% of the time). She must have High Interest in me because of all the things she does for me: she's very affectionate, laughs all the time, compliments me, invites me out, bakes me cookies, visits me at work, never turns down a date, schedules dates, invites me to hang out with her family -- I mean, I could go on and on. And she's been very consistent since the beginning.

why is she scared? I just don't understand why she won't use the term "boyfriend." I kind of feel like I'm dating a guy who can't commit. I told her that she can do whatever she wants and that I'm not trying to force her into anything serious (but if she starts dating someone else, I won't be a part of it). I asked her what she would think if I decided to date other girls, and she said she would think that I didn't like her very much. Should I just chill out, or should I be concerned about why Julie's so afraid of having a "boyfriend"? I guess it shouldn't be such a big deal that she doesn't call me her boyfriend, but I just don't want to spend more money and time with a girl whose mind and heart might be elsewhere. Matt -- who can't figure her out

doc love's answer

Hi Matt, You blew a great opportunity to establish yourself as a Challenge to be reckoned with when Julie told you she didn't want to be exclusive. Right then and there you should have said, "Know what, honey? Those are exactly my feelings, too!" Make her wonder and she'll be addicted even more so than before... Since the woman always sets the tone in the relationship, you really had no choice but to come right back with that statement, but you didn't. Furthermore, as Sal "The Fish" Love says, "The best way to get a woman to change her mind is by agreeing with her!" Remember that the next time Julie tells you how independent she needs to be.

this is just stupid But let's look at how silly this whole thing really is. If neither of you is seeing anyone else, that's the definition of "exclusive," right? Julie's just got cold feet about the word itself. If that's her little quirk, so what? That's why we have the Bottom Line Factor, buddy: All we ever go by is the woman's actions. We don't care about what she says. The problem here is that, like a sensitive plant, you're reacting to her hang-up. Julie's definition of exclusivity is obviously a lot heavier than yours, so you two are splitting hairs over definitions. But your relationship itself is great.

you're lucky she's 22 By the way, Matt, you could have been in a real danger zone if Julie were between the ages of 18 to 22 -- this is the age range when girls fall in love for five minutes. (Think Britney Spears.) You've got five months in with her already, and things have been going great. To boot, she'll be turning 23, she's almost a young woman now, so you should be out of the woods. One piece of advice: it's not your mission in life to keep AT&T in business. Let Julie talk to the answering machine and call her the next day. Do that every other time she calls. Let her think about where you are and what you're doing. The tactic is sure to drive her already high Interest Level into the upper 90s. "The System" works every time.

rhetoric waste Now, pal, why is it so important to you that Julie use the word "boyfriend" when it doesn't really matter? It's true, as you yourself said, that you're acting like an insecure woman. (You

further weaken your position by giving Julie "permission" to do whatever she wants -- hey, who said you had to give permission in the first place?) Why are you so afraid when she won't use the term "boyfriend," when she treats you exactly like one? Just chill out, Matt! Finally, it's impossible that your girl's mind might be elsewhere because your laundry list proving her Interest Level is about a mile long. This girl's all over you like a cheap suit. Forget about what she says. Pay attention to what she does. Remember guys; you don't want to be too rigid.

Are Long Phone Chats Dangerous? Hey Doc, I just ordered "The System" and am awaiting its delivery, although I'm in a bit of a bind and wished I'd used overnight express. I recently met Cindy on an Internet dating site. She e-mailed me first, asking me to call her since she wasn't much of a Net "chatter." Fine with me. She is a single mother with a 3month-old (babies do not scare me), has a steady job, and lives on her own (about 45 miles away), so I'm not able to take her out at the drop of a hat. Anyway, she later said that she wanted to make me call her first, but then she called me first. We really hit it off on the phone. But after reading your articles, I discovered that I've been talking to Cindy entirely too much on the phone. Our conversations usually last two or three hours. She said that she wanted to get to know me by phone before meeting me, and I didn't make a fuss over it. Finally, she hinted that she was open on Saturday for a dinner date, and I caught on and asked her out. I know now that I shouldn't have given in.

date from hell Here's the problem: we met for dinner and had nothing to say to each other. (She did have her child with her; I knew she would ahead of time.) Most of the time Cindy wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I was stunned by how pretty she was. (My experience with "Internet girls" is that they are generally unattractive.) We both struggled to make conversation, but to no avail, and even after squirting herself in the eye with a lemon, conversation was still sparse. I got a bit frustrated, since our phone chats went so well. I decided that I would give Cindy a chance to bail out if she wasn't interested, and asked her if she wanted to get dessert. To my surprise, she accepted and we went to the local ice cream

shop. There we had a little more conversation, though nothing like on the phone. I concluded the date at 10:30 p.m., citing my long drive back home as the reason. In the parking lot, I asked her why she never made eye contact; she said that she's a very shy person and apologized. She thanked me for dinner and asked me to call her after I got out of church the following day. We shook hands and said our goodbyes. Shook hands?!? It gets worse for Damon... On Sunday she called me first, but I was busy and had to cut the conversation short. I phoned her later, and yet again we had another great talk. It seems like Cindy is very interested. What should I do at this point to repair the mistakes I've committed (long phone conversations, weekend date, asking her out too soon), and how can I make sure she's truly interested in me and not just in getting a daddy for her child? I haven't known Cindy long, granted, but she seems like a very stable, confident and genuine person, the sort of person I ought to be spending time with. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Damon -- who wishes she would talk face to face.

doc love's answer Hi Damon, Cindy's not much of a Net chatter? Why do you guys buy right into everything a woman says? If she tells you that 2+2=5, do you have to automatically go along with her? Guy, the reason she wanted to talk to you on the phone is because she had high Interest Level -- initially, at least. Otherwise, she's a Net chatter. How do you think you two met? What I don't dig about this situation is that Cindy has a 90-day-young child. Wow -- only three months old and Mommy's already dating ? Wasn't she just discharged from the hospital the day before yesterday? If this chick moved any faster, she'd be running with the thoroughbreds at Hialeah Park! Uh, by the way -- where's the daddy in this picture? As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Hey -- was this kid even planned?"

she's all over the place When Cindy changed her mind and called you first, she was saying, as Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "I'm a whack job!" She wanted to rap with you before meeting you? Damon, you could have disagreed -- without making a fuss over it. (If you make a fuss, you're a Macho Boy. If you go along with everything she proposes, you're a wimp. Isn't this complex?) What you should have said was, "Cindy, why don't you call a few other guys, and when you

get tired of talking to them, e-mail me and we'll meet at Starbucks and have coffee." And that would have been the end of all this smoke-blowing! In other words, you call the shots! Stand up for yourself! Show her you're a tough guy -- if you can. Because, as you can see, all your telephone yakking is doing you no good whatsoever. Damon, you caught on to Cindy's hint all right -- but you caught on and gave her the wrong response. When you tell me you had nothing to say to each other over dinner, you're really saying that she gave you the cold, silent treatment. And you sprang for the food! How smart is that? Now let me ask you a question. I want you to clear your head here -- and that shouldn't take too long. Do women with high Interest Level really act that way on a date? At first, she seemed to have high Interest Level, but the clock is always ticking and things change. Odds are you didn't pass the Physical Attraction Test when you finally came face to face, but Cindy was still hungry and she figured, hey, why not have dinner on this chump's tab anyway? Damon was taken for a ride...

give cindy her just desserts Have you ever noticed that when women are interested in you, you don't have to ask them if they're interested? Why were you surprised that she accepted the invitation to dessert? Because your gut was telling you that you had her mixed up with someone who cared? Or because you suspected at that point that somebody was out for a free hot fudge sundae with wet maple walnuts and whipped cream? Let me tell you something, pal -- when a girl says she's "shy," it's Womanese for "My Interest Level in you is running at about 5%!" Jeez, you shook hands ? What are you -- a politician on the stump? Are you trying to win votes or make time? You should be puckering up and kissing this girl on those big, fat lips of hers! Wake up, dude! When Cindy phoned you on Sunday, again you didn't ask her out because you, like most men, don't know how to close . Then you tell me Cindy's "very interested." Let me ask you another question: aren't drugs illegal in your state? What she's interested in, Damon, is a meal ticket.

you're blind, bro A final thought: woman goes on date, woman refuses to speak to you -- and you call her genuine ? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "I think we oughta have a lil' talk 'bout the way yo' mommy raised you, boy!" She obviously didn't teach you how to tell the real from the foolery. Know what, Damon? You should have a special T-shirt made with the words "Free Babysitter" in big, block letters emblazoned across the front. That's where you're headed with

this one. Remember guys; If Alexander Graham Bell knew what chaos the telephone would cause, he would never have invented it.

Is Instant High Interest Dangerous? Hey Doc, First I'd like to thank you for giving men worldwide "The System," as it helps us screen out the annoying games most women play. I read your articles quite often and always enjoy them. Now, I have a question that I don't think has come up yet: what's better to have in the long run -- a woman with high Interest Level right off the bat, or a woman whose interest you've had to build up over time? I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but with high Interest Level straight out of the gate, it seems like a guy would be more likely to screw up because, if a woman shows interest early on, it'll make the guy's Interest Level shoot through the roof, which often leads to mistakes because he'll get sloppy. On the other hand, when a guy has to work to raise a woman's Interest Level from 51% -because he's had to work harder to be a Challenge and show her that he's a great guy to be with (versus the guy who's given an easy path) -- the possibility of the romance fizzling decreases.

here are two situations I'm asking you this because of what occurred with the last two women I dated. The first, who I'll call Charlize, was a female friend of one year with whom I became romantically involved, which was very nice until she moved away for grad school. The second girl, Angelina, didn't even like me at first and expressed it in so many words. Two months later, she's wildly in love with me, wants to get very intimate, and calls me day and night. (I guess that's what I get for being a Challenge, telling her I am not really interested in seeing her long-term, and not kissing up to her like every other guy.) Please let me know your opinion: would I have been better off with Charlize, whose interest built slowly, or Angelina, who I have to beat off with a stick? Christopher -- who wonders if he should have let the first one go

doc love's answer Hi Christopher, Congratulations on bringing up a very interesting question. But the answer is that it really doesn't make any difference. You're going to have to do the same work in the case of both the low and the high Interest Level woman, so the issue is nothing but academic. To you Psych majors, dating is like baseball. You're going to see 100 mph fastballs, you're going to see hanging curveballs at 75 mph, and you're going to see 60 mph changeups. But as a batter, you're going to have to hit them all -- or at least try to. Here's the problem with the two women you're talking about... And so you're going to run into women who will have an Interest Level of 80% after talking to you for five minutes, and you're going to meet women who are going to have an Interest Level of 51% after talking to you for two hours. But they both like you. It's just a matter of which one you're going to get the chance to work on. And it doesn't really matter which it is, as long as you know how to drive her Interest Level out of the ballpark. What's so great about "The System" is that it doesn't matter what she throws you, because you're going to know what to do.

you're right about one thing But Christopher, you are right about one thing. With high (75% to 85%) Interest Level from the get-go, you do have more chances to screw up with a girl. As Sal "The Fish" Love says, "As soon as you open your mouth, she's going to find out what a lightweight you are, and her Interest Level is heading straight downhill from there!" The fact is that it doesn't matter if a woman shows high interest in you early on because your Interest Level is already through the roof -- she doesn't need to push it up for you any further. And what's worse is that you're likely already showing her yours. So you're right -- you will get sloppy when things are going your way. When they aren't, you'll get even sloppier.

it takes more time, not work With your 51% Interest Level woman, you don't have to work harder -- you just have to work longer . With this honey, you should be doing the same exact things you do with a girl whose Interest Level is bumping the outer limits of space.

Okay. Now let's look at what you have -- or don't have -- with your two girlfriends. Regarding Charlize, let me quote my cousin, "Fast Eddie" Love: "She loved you so much, she left town!" Maybe Charlize did have 51% Interest Level in you at one point, guy, but apparently you didn't do anything to move it up the scale or even keep it where it was. In fact, you drove her Interest Level in the opposite direction the more she got to know you. No lady with a growing Interest Level in a guy buys a one-way ticket out of town, so don't even try to fool yourself about what was going on there. That leaves us with your current squeeze, Angelina. Sorry to have to break the news to you, Christopher, but Challenge doesn't work on three types: Feministas, Mercenaries and Psychos. And a Psycho is what you've got on your hands here. This girl's a ding-dong. A woman doesn't go from telling a guy to his face "Not if you're the last man on Earth!" to suddenly seeing the light of his tremendous desirability out of nowhere. The Reality Factor says: Beware of inconsistent behavior. Would you call the sweet Angelina a model of steadiness, or is she more like Norman Bates' sister? Finally, you asked my opinion. My opinion is this: you didn't read my principles closely enough. Remember guys; Doc Love's principles must be memorized.

Does The Average Guy Stand A Chance? Hey Doc, Although I know you usually only comment on people with specific dating questions, I was wondering what your take was on the television show, Average Joe . My opinion is, after watching two outings, that the women's behavior reflects a lot of your teachings. On the show, a bunch of "average guys" (i.e., guys who aren't great-looking and have little experience with a Beautiful Woman), get to compete for the attentions and affections of an extremely hot babe. The twist comes at the end, where after several dates with the average guys, a couple of hunky studs enter the picture to complicate things. How this relates to "The System" (which I purchased, and it helped a lot, thanks!) is that the average guys, besides being just average-looking, are not a Challenge at all. In fact, they constantly laid out their hearts and bared their souls to the Beautiful Woman, only to be repeatedly dumped at the conclusion of the contest. At the end of both competitions, the beautiful girl surprisingly (but maybe not to those who read your articles) picked the good-looking guy over the average guy, despite only knowing

him for a short time. The icing on the cake was that the good-looking guys were emotionally remote and looked like they couldn't care less. What's really funny is all the comments on the Net that crucify the women on the show for being so shallow. That may be true, but all us average joes want them anyway, right? What do you think, Doc? Do guys like us really stand a chance with a Beautiful Woman? Is it even worth the struggle? Or should we stay with our own kind and not risk all that rejection? Lenny -- who still has his fantasies of scoring a "10"

doc love's answer Hi Lenny, First of all, let me congratulate you on starting to learn my techniques. You'll never go wrong practicing a set of proven principles. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love likes to say, "With a little spit and polish, you're gonna be a master!" That is, as long as you stay with it. Dedication and practice are key. But it's obvious by your comments about Average Joe that you're already sharpening your analytical faculties when it comes to the dating game, and you're on the right track. Nevertheless, I want to touch on some of the specifics of your e-mail to make sure you stay there. The average joes deserve to be dumped...

the average joes' mistakes Let's start with this: Lenny, the average guys should be dumped at the end of the show. Besides being just average-looking, they're not Challenges. So they have two things working against them. Why wouldn't they be dumped? It's common sense, right? You mention that the hotties on Average Joe go for the hunks "despite" knowing them for only a short time. Here your premise is dead wrong, pal. It's because the girls only knew them for a brief period of time that they picked them. Look at it from the girl's perspective: if she doesn't know two guys all that well, and one's good-looking and the other isn't, what's going to happen? Think about it. Let's reverse the process. If you're given a choice between two women, and one's nothing much in the looks category and one's a ringer for Elizabeth Hurley, who would you pick? Maybe the gorgeous babe has a lousy personality and the other doesn't, but how are you going to know that in a short amount of time?

what the "hunks" do right Next, you report that the good-looking guys appear as if they couldn't care less. Well, this is what you average guys should be doing! The ploy worked, didn't it? Nobody is attracted to desperation (i.e., baring of souls, wearing of hearts on sleeves, blubbering about weaknesses, etc.). The name of the game, at least at first, is pretending you don't care. Being secure and mysterious. In other words, being a Challenge. That's what you have to do in the beginning, whether she's an average woman or the second coming of Kim Basinger. Do it, and watch what happens. It never fails, buddy. There's another reason why the women on Average Joe went with the best-looking guys. Because it is short-term. I'd like to come back six months later and check whether those babes are still dating the hunks. Did they pick the handsome dudes because they thought it was the right thing to do since they were on TV? You can bet the house those romances aren't going very far. But does the average guy even stand a chance? Find out...

it's not as hard as you think Do average guys ever really have a chance with the Beautiful Woman, you ask? Ah, now that's the million-dollar question. And a million-dollar question demands a million-dollar answer. As Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "The first thing you have to do if you want a chance with a Beautiful Woman is get yourself a 120-foot yacht. A big, humongous, 120-foot yacht!" Of course, that would be doing things the hard way. And you don't have to do it the hard way, Lenny. It's not going to be a struggle if you memorize "The System." I make it easy to deal with Beautiful Women as well as wallflowers -- all women. The years of torment you've endured at the hands of the opposite sex will be over once you stick completely to my guidelines.

you'll get the real deal To you Psych majors, what you're looking for anyway is Attitude. As long as you're attracted to a woman, and she's a Giver and she's Flexible, she's going to be the one for you. And over time she will grow prettier and end up being the Beautiful Woman you've always wanted because of her inner qualities -- qualities that a lot of the plastic women don't have. In an age of phonies, my plan leads you to the genuine lady. And that, not some silicone fake, is who you want for the long haul. Lenny, a fundamental fact of life is that you're always risking rejection. When you get into the

bathtub you can slip and break your neck. When you climb into your car, you can be killed in a smashup. You can be asleep in your bed and an airplane engine can come crashing through the roof and land on your head (don't laugh -- it has happened). Life is one huge risk. Every time you breathe, you're taking the risk of rejection and pain. There's no way around it except to stop living. So get out there and have some fun. As I've said in "The System": practice on the average-looking girls with the huge fannies and slowly make your way up to the razor-thin beauties. By the time you get there, you'll be irresistible. The way you're going to get a "10" is to memorize all my principles. Remember guys; if you want somebody beautiful, you have to practice on somebody average.

Getting The Girl Next Door Hey Doc, One of my friends who regularly reads your column and owns "The System" told me that you're the guy to ask about a problem I'm having. I hope he's right, so here goes. I sell computer equipment for a living. I currently live in a 600-unit apartment complex with two swimming pools in the South Beach section of Miami, and a lot of the residents seem to be single. I run into them at poolside and in the gym, but haven't really gotten to know that many people, either girls or guys. (I've been living here for the past year, by the way.)

about me... I'm 28 and single. I've never been married, incidentally, and am coming off a broken relationship with a woman I dated for two and a half years. She dumped me because she needed to "grow in different directions and we were stagnating." After a good year of trying to figure out why the relationship went south, I finally gave up. The whole experience shattered my confidence, and I find myself sort of out of it when it comes to striking up conversations with women I'd like to get to know. I don't know, maybe I'm just completely inept. On the other hand, I do well enough in my job, I move computers successfully, and sometimes I think that I should be able to "sell" myself to women, too. Or does one not have anything to do with the other? Anyway, I've had my eye on Pamela (I found out her name when I checked her mailbox), who lives three doors from me, ever since I moved in. This babe has it all in the looks department -

- she's at least an 8, maybe even a 9. Aside from flashing a smile when she's coming or going, we don't have much contact, and I'm at a loss for what to do to get something going. By the way, I can't really tell if she has any interest in me whatsoever, but I've always been baffled by how to tell. I've seen friends of both sexes stop by her place, but never the same guy overnight, so I figure she's up for grabs -- well, at least that's my fantasy.

how can i get her? So Doc, when you want to get to know or date "the girl next door," how the heck do you actually do it? It's not that I'm shy, exactly, but it's not easy to get the ball rolling when you're in such close proximity. In fact, it can be harder than usual to pull it off because of that closeness. If something goes wrong, you're stuck with having to live on top of each other. Any tips on how I can get to know Pamela and save face if it doesn't work out would be greatly appreciated. My friend swears by "The System," by the way. Columbo -- who could use some good techniques Doc Love's answer...

doc love's answer Hi Columbo, You say you've been living in your place for a year and you don't know anybody, so the first problem you have is getting yourself out there. Here's what I suggest you do: go to the management of the company that owns the apartment complex and arrange to give a speech on Challenge. You're going to introduce yourself as "Columbo, the first man in 6,000 years to understand women." You're going to put this information on a flyer and stick it into everyone's mailbox (with the approval of management, of course). What we're doing here is giving you what I call "Posture." The Reality Factor says that having Posture means you're never begging . You need Posture, Columbo, because of your recent painful experience. I just love women like your ex. They always come up with some new variation of Womanese. But the great thing about "The System" is that it enables you to see right through the doublespeak like a superhero with laser vision. What your ex was really telling you, man, was that her Interest Level in you was down at the bottom of a pothole.

sell yourself

As Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "Women with high Interest Level never want to hurt you." I feel sorry for you, Columbo, but you can take some comfort in the fact that you're not rowing your boat alone. What happened to you happens to millions of American men. They get clobbered by a woman, they haven't a clue what to do, they try to figure it out, and they spend money on books by love doctors that don't work. "Your problem," they advise you, "is that you've got to hit your head faster and harder against that wall!" Their wimpy solution is buying some overpriced trinket for the woman who tossed you. It's not going to work. It never has, and it never will. You want to know if there is any correlation between selling products and selling yourself to women? My boy, you just asked me life's grand question. The answer is an unequivocal yes : one has everything to do with the other. For years countless people with impressive sheepskins have been handing out tons of erroneous, ineffective information on relationships. While I detest the clichd phrase "think outside the box," I did just that. I correlated sales to dating . Bingo. Now, moving on to Pamela. You found out her name from her mailbox? Let's just hope it was right next to yours, because if she spotted you snooping on her, you're out forever, and the rest of our game plan means absolutely nothing. I'll tell you why: women hate sneaks . But do you know what you should say the next time you bump into her? "Let me ask you a question: what grade are you in?" I don't care if your knees are shaking, guy -- get it out . Practice in front of the mirror if you have to. The reason I say this is because you don't know if Pamela has any interest in you . So we're going to eliminate any doubt by gauging her response. If she comes back and says "I'm in kindergarten -- is that too young for you?" you know you're in the game. How to own the girl next door...

neighborly love But you mention that Pamela flashes a smile at you. She did that for one of three reasons (and this is where you're going to have to be like a detective on "Love and Order"): 1- She's just a classy lady and you're her neighbor (but that's all there is to it and it's never going anywhere). 2- She has positive Interest Level in you. 3- She's both classy and has interest. Now think about this: What if she saw you up on the podium at the microphone giving a fascinating speech to 100 people who came to see you as the love doctor who understands women as you stand in for me? You'd have her eating out of your hand .

make her make a move The point is that you date the girl next door by getting her to hit on you . That's what we're trying to set up here, pal. We want her to think it's her idea . We're going to create the illusion that it "just happened," so to speak. It's called "controlled spontaneity." And remember, as General Love would say, "Dating is war." All tactics are fair. By the time this girl discovers you, by the time you allow her into your life, you're going to own her, if you have any real chance with her at all. At the same time, though, you're going to be smart and not put all your eggs in one basket. You're going to be hustling other women, especially right there in your backyard. Any time you're around single honeys in your complex, you're going to practice on them. Our objective is for Pamela to see you hanging around other females, and we want these others to be having a good time, touching your arm, laughing, and cooing things like "Oh, Columbo, you're so funny!" This tactic is going to make you as desirable as you can be to Pamela. You're going to be selling yourself . So buddy, deliver your speech on why Challenge is the key to women and use all my jokes out of "The Dating Dictionary" for laughs. You do that, and you're on your way -- guaranteed. By the way, tell your friend he has really great taste in love doctors. Remember guys; if you want to be successful in your life, you have to learn how to sell yourself.

Will "The System" Make You Someone You're Not? Hey Doc, About eight months ago I purchased your instructions because I wasn't having much longterm success with women. I listened to the CDs and read "The Dating Dictionary," and I must say that it was an illuminating and unique experience. I decided to immediately implement your teachings and see what would happen out there in the real world. Doc, your techniques worked liked a charm. They helped me attract the interest of more women than I could ever have predicted or hoped for. Frankly, they transformed me from the loser I was to a guy who was successful in making women go after him. But here's my issue. Your principles, it seems to me, instruct men on how to change themselves to be what a woman wants. Well, I did that, got plenty of dates, but it really wasn't

me. The problem was that I never felt like myself. I always had the sneaking feeling that I was manipulating the women and "playing games." It just seemed to be plain hard work.

the opposite worked Finally I decided to just act naturally, was less of a Challenge, and then met the woman of my dreams. By many men's standards, Joan wouldn't be considered any more than an 8; maybe less, but to me she's a 10. And I guess that's all that counts. Doc, why do you think I've found satisfaction with a woman who is less than a knockout? Has my perception changed since I stopped trying to be a Challenge? Also, do you really think that changing who a guy truly is can be the right strategy for him to find long-lasting happiness? To me, it seems to be a contradiction in terms. Or am I missing something here? I'm really curious to hear your take on this, since you are the supreme Doctor of Love and I can't argue with your success. Taylor -- who wanted to quit acting like somebody else

doc love's answer Hi Taylor, You pose an interesting question. And the answer is that yes, I am transforming you into someone more appealing by making sure that what you are and what you do is what a woman wants. And she's going to want you for you when you've absorbed and practiced my rules. You're going to be more you than ever, because you're going to be strong and secure as Taylor for the first time in your life. Being the "true you" won't land you any babes...

you're missing something But that's only half of it. The other half, the one we don't want to lose sight of (and which is why you sought out my principles in the first place), is that she doesn't want you for you -because you're not good enough! By your acquisition of a new set of proven techniques, I am making you more masculine . I am making you more attractive . Nevertheless, Taylor, I started out with nothing but you as raw material. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "I didn't come in with a new carburetor and stick it down your throat, did I?" No, I didn't. No matter what, when all is said and done, you are still you . A new and improved Taylor, for sure, but still Taylor. Now of course you're going to feel that practicing my techniques "wasn't you" because you've

been doing everything wrong all your life. (By your own admission, I might add!) It stands to reason that revolutionizing yourself is going to feel a little odd, at least at first, until you've gotten the proper hang of things. To you Psych majors, any time there's change, there's going to be discomfort. That's just the way it is -- it's the process of life. And nobody likes change. We all want to just sit on our butts with the TV remote and watch life roll by while we munch on our cheese curls and potato chips. But in order to go from being a flop to a success with women, you have to change yourself and make yourself more desirable, and "The System" does that.

who's really real? Taylor, have you ever looked at the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine? Have you ever noticed that every month there are eight different articles on how a gal can turn a guy's head? Or how a woman can get a man to eat out of her hand? For that matter, check out the covers of all the women's magazines! Aren't they full of the same stuff? Don't you see what they're telling women? Don't you get it? I hate to break this to you, guy, but in the beginning, anything worth doing is "hard work." When you first try and play golf, do you have any idea how to properly hold the club or strike the ball? Of course you don't! Chances are you don't even know which end of the club to hold, right? Ever play a musical instrument? Unless you're Mozart, it takes endless hours of practice to get even the rudiments down. And even prodigies have to practice. Okay, so you fell in love with Joan, and she's not Angelina Jolie. Why did you go for her, you ask? The answer is because you see inner beauty. To quote Sal "The Fish" Love: "You're going to live with Attitude!" So good for you. You've absorbed more of my teachings than you think. Your perception hasn't changed, Taylor, since you've allegedly stopped trying to be a Challenge. But the more interesting question is this: what made Joan interested in you in the first place? What do you think she saw in you? The quaking Wimpus Americanus you used to be, or a confident guy transformed by me? My "System," my rules, have changed you -- and the new you is what she saw.

who do you want to be? Regarding your next question, the answer is yes . Of course changing a guy is the formula for long-lasting happiness! Because you're going to be perfect by the time I get through with you. What you perceive as a contradiction in terms is nothing but a half-truth, a fallacy, and an erroneous assumption. Finally, you say that you wanted to quit acting like somebody else. And do what, Taylor? Go back to being a loser so your new girlfriend can dump you? My course is about getting you to put your best foot forward. That's what you did. You have me to thank for finding true love. Remember guys; without "The System," you're just potential.

Is Getting Her Cell Number Ever Okay? Hey Doc, I've been studying your laws of relationships for quite some time now. I've read "The System" about six times over and have practically memorized the entire volume from cover to cover, so I know how you feel about the necessity of getting the home phone number. That's where my question arises. How would you deal with a girl who only has a cell phone and thus only a cell phone number? This is the case where I live in China. Many people who live in southern China came from the northern part of the country and are very poor. They only rent their houses and cannot afford to connect a home phone. As a result, many of them only own cell phones -- if they have phones at all.

here's my story I met Hui at a restaurant where I work. She came in to eat, I was very attracted to her, and, as per your instructions, asked for her home phone number. When she gave it to me, I called and it turned out to be her cell phone. I didn't leave a message, because it didn't conform to your rules. The next time I saw her, I asked for the home phone number again, and she told me that she didn't have one. (By the way, I verified this with my female cousin, who knows where Hui lives, so I have to assume that Hui was telling me the truth and not just trying to dodge me because of low Interest Level.) One other question, Doc; your book seems to be written to apply to people with a high level of understanding, like Americans. Does "The System" really apply to women all over the world? Thanks for all your advice. Lawrence -- who wants to know if he should dial again

doc love's answer Hi Lawrence, First of all, I'm very glad you mentioned the word "memorize," because that's what a lot of my students don't do. They don't memorize my techniques, and to really get them, to really make them as powerful as they can be, they have to be internalized and practiced , and so I want to complement you on your diligence. You've made a solid start toward becoming a

master of dating strategy. As General Love says, "The guy who ventures onto the battlefield of dating unprepared is the guy who's setting himself up for disaster." But it looks like you didn't quite memorize enough. Lawrence -- you're talking to one female (your cousin) who's giving you advice on another female (Hui)? This is a fundamental error, and you'd know that if you paid closer attention to what you read in my book. What if the two gals are tighter than you think (and chances are good they are)? If your conversation with your cousin gets back to Hui, all it does is show her that you're an insecure guy and can't do your own dirty work, in addition to the fact that you can't keep a secret. You just dropped 10 points on the Interest Level scale if your cousin has a big yap, and as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Show me one who doesn't!" Never make any assumptions about women...

don't assume anything Next, you tell me you "assume" Hui told you the truth. Assume ? You were doing so well back in the first paragraph! As the great dating detective Sher-Love Holmes says, "Never assume anything when it comes to women!" But your second point is right on the mark. Hui could have been trying to dodge you. Sometimes a woman gives you the cell number when she doesn't want to give you the home number. But we'll get into that in a second. Regarding your question about whether "The System" works for women the world over, let me give you some background information. Lawrence, I lived in Los Angeles when I interviewed thousands of women to formulate my techniques. L.A. is an international city with people living and visiting from all over the world. I happened to be residing right next to UCLA, which has a high percentage of Asian students. Many of them attended my seminars, and they followed up with countless testimonials that "The System" did indeed work. And let me tell you why: Women in China and women in America want a confident guy. They want a guy who practices Self-Control, and they want a guy who's a Challenge. It doesn't make any difference if she's from Montana or Mongolia -- "The System" cuts across social, religious, economic, and geographic boundaries.

it's all good and true Aside from "The System" being based on the truth, what I love about it is the fact that it's logical . Now you read in my book that it's mandatory to get the home phone number. Hui gave you her cell phone number. What does that mean? For argument's sake, let's say she told you the truth and she really doesn't have a home phone number. In this case, she gets credit for giving you the home phone number.

But what you should have done, Lawrence, like a good love detective on "Love And Order," was ask: "Is this your home phone number?" And when she countered with "No, it's my cell phone number," you should have insisted "I'd like to have your home number too." At that point she would have said "People from the north are all poor and only have cell phone numbers," or she would have come up with a whopper. But at least you would have resolved the issue once and for all. The point is that you want to come as close as you can to getting that home phone number. Even in America today, there are over 145 million cell phones. Lots of girls live with their parents, or they go to school, or they're hard to get hold of and so they rely on their cell phones. But I would always rather you have both numbers. The more important one is always the home number.

where's the sense, dude? Nevertheless, Lawrence, you have to use common sense and ask yourself, "How can I modify what Doc says in a given situation -- for example, where they don't have phones on the walls of some homes here in China? How can I logically hold onto his principles in a tough spot and not deviate from them?" So in this case, the cell phone counts as the home phone number. But if she has one in her house, you have to get that one. If she doesn't have a cell or a home phone, then you'll take two tin cans with some string connecting them. Remember guys; I don't care where this girl is from, just do what I tell you and she'll love you forever.

Is The System More Important Than Your Woman? Hey Doc, I realize that this is probably one of the more unusual letters you've ever received, but I don't have much choice but to send it. I recently purchased "The System," but I'm planning to return it. It's not that there's anything wrong with "The Dating Dictionary" itself. In fact, I was drawn to buying it after reading your articles on the Net. I especially liked your theories concerning the fact that men are largely dominated by women, and that we have far less of a voice than they do in relationships. Also, it was nice that there was a guy offering help rather than the usual female love doctors who all preach pretty much the same thing.

I'm sure you're sitting there asking yourself, So what's this guy's problem? It's a little embarrassing, I'll admit, but here it is: my girlfriend, Jessica. She wasn't very pleased with me ordering your book in the first place, and when she read some of the sections, it caused some very heated arguments. She thought the chapter about men having to be a Challenge was particularly ridiculous. It's her opinion that we should not play any head games with each other. She says we should be completely open and honest with one another, and your teachings prevent that.

make love, not war Jessica has always been the kind of girl who likes to have her own way, Doc, and since she's very beautiful, I tend to give it to her. In this case I figured that since it's just a small matter of returning a book, I'd do it and preserve the peace. Besides, I promised Jessica that I would, and we don't lie to each other, ever. I have to admit though that since I made the decision, I've been racked with some nagging doubts about whether it was the right course of action. I mean, it is just a book, so what's the big deal, right? Can't I read what I want? Are Jessica's objections some kind of attempt to control me? Does this bode poorly for our future together? On the other hand, I don't want to lose her. We've been together for about 10 months now and are planning on getting married soon. Your book was the first major wedge to come between us, but this whole conflict has me wondering if I'm making a mistake without knowing it. I know it seems crazy, Doc, but it's come down to a matter of Jessica versus you. Even though I'm sending "The System" back, I'm still curious to know your opinion of my situation. Bruce -- who's choosing the line of least resistance

doc love's answer Hi Bruce, Yours is a curious question, but it's not one that surprises me given the power of "The System." Whenever the truth is encountered, there is going to be a certain amount of denial. And that's what's going on here. Take a closer look at the situation...

are you blind? What's really interesting, though, is that you can't see the pattern of what's happening right under your nose. Here you're reading 10, 15, maybe even 20 of my articles, at an average of maybe 1,200 words apiece, and you can't find one thing you disagree with . Right, Bruce? In

fact, you're so motivated by my columns that you agreed to part with $99 for "The System." You read it, and you still can't find anything to disagree with! Because it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Yes, it does. Furthermore, you seem to need something from me. Now, did Jessica put a .45 to your head and order you to put the book down? Well, you're acting like she did. The point is that you yourself are ultimately responsible for what's happening here. But let's move on to Jessica anyway. Let me ask you a question, pal. Were her arguments against Doc Love logical? Did she allow you to explain why you were reading "The System"? The answer in both cases is no. If she had taken the time, she would have understood -assuming she has the capacity -- that Challenge is most definitely not a head game. Challenge is the love ether in the dating game. And what Challenge does is keep you, as a partner, always fresh . But what Jessica's proposing and implying -- and of course this stems from the most popular female love doctor herself, Oprah -- is "Let it all hang out!" Air all your dirty laundry, your weaknesses, your insecurities -- in other words, every negative thing about you -- and somehow she's going to want to stick around! Makes sense, right? Wrong !

you're not bruce almighty Bruce, I want you to be honest with your woman at all times. It's the openness I worry about. Nobody wants a simpering weakling, least of all a woman. You keep that up and see how long you hold onto Jessica -- or any other babe, for that matter. But you protest, "She likes to have her own way." Know what I hear you saying, cowboy? That you give Jessica her own way all the time . I hear you never saying no to this girl. (As a matter of fact, I'd bet the house no one's ever said "no" to her.) That's why you're sending the book back. Do you realize the amount of pain and misery and domination (of you) that's going to be involved when you're living with this can't take no for an answer prima donna for the next 42 years under the same roof, day after day, week after week, month after month? You give her the power to dominate because of your high Interest Level -- because she's beautiful. But you're not looking at what's on the inside, the part you're going to marry. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "After a while, her looks ain't so hot anymore. You're going to have to live with her Attitude." Want to live with a ball and chain? That's what'll happen... You're not just returning my book, Bruce; you're returning the truth . Because you can't handle the truth, and neither can Jessica. Yes, you'll go ahead and preserve the peace at any price, just like Chamberlain when Hitler rattled his saber. And heavens no, I wouldn't want you to fib to Jessica. I would just like to see you grow a little something in a certain part of your body so that your voice will deepen --- get what I'm saying, pal?

you can never escape the truth Unfortunately for you, Bruce, once you have Doc Love's method in your head, you'll never get rid of those nagging doubts. You're going to be hearing my voice for as long as you're involved with Jessica, "The System" or no book at all. Know why? Because I speak the truth, guy -- the truth! And no, apparently you're not allowed to read what you want. And you couldn't in Nazi Germany either. Sure, Jessica's objections are an attempt to control you -- she always has, hasn't she? Why would things change now? She's getting her way again, isn't she? This is just an extension of what's always been there. Does it bode poorly for your future together? Not for Jessica! She's going to have a great time being in total control of her wimp of a husband. With you around, she'll have her own way for the rest of her life!

she was wrong Before we go into "your situation," I want to point out one last thing to you. If Jessica read "The System" cover to cover, she would have discovered my maintenance program, which is made up of Affection, Romance and Respect. And she would have said to herself, "Look at what this guy's studying -- he's going to give me the three things I want most over the long haul!" But she didn't take the time. And, like you said, she calls all the shots, all the time. As for your situation, I'll let my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love do the talking for me: "You're in a hell of a lot of trouble here, baby!" Remember guys; you never want to date a girl who's a prison guard.

When Your Girl Ignores You At Work Hey Doc, I am an avid reader of "The System," but I seem to have a problem that I'd like you to address personally. I'm 32 and living with Debbie, the same age, who works for the same company I do. We work in two different departments, on two different floors. We have found something pretty special with each other and we both know it. It's an amazing feeling to be this in love, this satisfied with someone in your life. I'm a very lucky man to have what we have. So what's the problem? Well, it's small actually, and maybe I shouldn't sweat it, but here goes. In the past year, Debbie got a divorce. A rather civil one, I might add. (No kids, by the way.) The issue is this: she's afraid of looking like "that kind of girl" to people at work; in other

words, she doesn't want to look like she's diving into another serious relationship so soon after her divorce. I understand that. She's worked there a long time, knows lots of people, and wants to save face, but still have me, the love of her life.

no sex at the office While I don't expect mushy stuff at work (I, too, don't want that sort of label on either of us), she tends to overcompensate and I can't help but feel hurt by this. When we go to lunch with other people from work, people that know we're dating, even, she tends to almost act like I'm not there. This makes me feel a bit like a tagalong. I've tried talking to her about it, but she always feels attacked. The conversation becomes negative, and I start to think that maybe I am making a bigger deal out of it than I need to. We have each other outside of work and what we have is wonderful. Doc, is Debbie just trying to be professional? She acts friendly with everyone else at work except for me. It's almost like she's afraid to look at me in an improper way or say something that would give people the idea that something is up between us. She's not mean to me, but it just seems like she's trying real hard to prove that she doesn't like me. This can be an embarrassing thing to people who do know that we're a couple, because then they tend to wonder if we're having problems.

it's affecting me at home Lately, this problem seems to have infiltrated our lives outside the office. I almost feel now as if I'm "chasing" Debbie and the mutual desire we had for each other seems to be dwindling. I am a very romantic and sensitive male by general standards, and usually speak to and treat her with respect. But it almost seems as if she's distancing herself from me. I'm not sure how to approach this. It could be temporary, but I'm a bit concerned. Debbie is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to scare her off or make her think she's made a mistake. Help! Brian -- who doesn't know how to handle her "work" personality

doc love's answer Hi Brian, When you say that you and Debbie "both know" that you have something special, I have to wonder where your evidence is. I know that you know it, but where's the evidence that Debbie knows it?

Find out why Doc thinks Brian's a dummy... There's really no proof whatsoever in your letter that Debbie is as sold as you are on the whole deal. I'm not saying she isn't, but like I always say, you guys have to become forensic love scientists, which means you always have to be on the lookout for hard evidence. And when you ask me for help, please be specific -- no generalities, please. But on to what we know of your problem. First of all, why is it that everybody but the janitor at your company knows the two of you are dating to begin with? This never should have happened, pal. You two let the cat out of the bag and now you have to suffer the consequences of being a public item. And the fact of the matter is, your co-workers always know more than you think they know. And, by the way, which one of you is the blabbermouth -- Debbie or you? The evidence points to you .

now you're targets Of course you're going to know lots of people at your place of employment. But what do most people love more than anything? Gossip. And if they're not batting the rumors around in the lunchroom, they're jealous. So what good can possibly come from this? Why in the world would you go and spill the beans about your private lives? Just plain dumb, buddy. This is your biggest mistake and your biggest problem -- that everyone knows you're together. It creates all kinds of pressures that shouldn't be there in the first place. Compounding this situation is that you're being way, way too sensitive. Your girlfriend's just playing a role here. She's acting like a female James Bond on a top-secret mission. (And the word is hush -- keep your trap shut!)

stop being so sensitive You tell me that you agree with Debbie on what your strategy should be, but when she does her undercover act, you aren't willing to go along with it. You can't have it both ways. The truth is that Debbie should feel attacked when you bring up this ridiculous subject -because you're wrong here. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You're making the Grand Canyon out of a gopher hole!" So yes, Debbie is merely trying to be professional. That's it, no more. She's doing exactly the right thing -- she doesn't want to give your co-workers the idea that something's up between you. What business is it of theirs? Your girlfriend's smart and you're a dummy!

chill out, will ya? But what you want to do is pout, like a little boy throwing a tantrum. Sure, Debbie acts friendly with the people at work, but who is she kissing at night -- them or you? That's what counts. Mutual desire isn't dwindling in you, Brian. It's dwindling in Debbie, because you keep having these stupid arguments over her not paying enough attention to you at an inappropriate place. You're becoming less of a Challenge, and Debbie's Interest Level in you is beginning to dip. To you Psych majors, work is for business , not for love . Stop being weak because that's what "sensitive" and "romantic" really means. Don't be a wuss -- forget about your "feelings" when you're on the job. Pretend like you don't know her at the office and Debbie will be flying back into your arms. Remember guys; if she wants to play a game at work, go along with it, as long as she loves you.

Is "Dropping By" Ever Okay? Hey Doc, I've been seeing a 48-year-old woman, Lynne, for about a month. Now, here's my problem. So far Lynne and I have had four very nice dates. Things were going great between us. She was very affectionate, was willing to become quite intimate, and I was thinking of her as a longterm possibility. Last Thursday night, a friend told me about a great new Latin dance joint, so I thought I'd drop in on Lynne at her apartment and see if she'd like to come out with me and practice some moves. Since I didn't have my cell phone with me, I decided to just cruise over to her place unannounced. The light in her apartment was on, but there was a car in the driveway beside hers. I didn't know if knocking on the door was appropriate, especially since I didn't recognize the car. It was dark outside, and from a distance I tried to get a peek inside the apartment since the blinds were partially open. But I was only able to see her, nobody else. As far as I could tell, she didn't spot me because I'd remained at a distance. Unable to figure out what was going on inside, I just turned around and went home. When I got there, there was a message from Lynne telling me that she didn't want to see me anymore. I called her back and left a message that her decision was fine by me, but that I'd like to pick up some of my things. She called back the next day and left a message that I could pick them up on Saturday afternoon, and that she would leave them outside her door.

what happened?

Doc, I am at a total loss to explain what happened. At worst, if Lynne did see me outside her apartment that night, she would have at least asked for an explanation as to what was going on. Of course, I will pick up my things, but I am leaning toward no contact with her whatsoever. However, I would love to hear your analysis of the situation. From reading your articles, it's obvious to me that you always seem to figure out even the toughest of problems. Enlighten me, please. Wilson -- who can't figure out what he did wrong

doc love's answer Hi Wilson, You tell me you've had four good dates with Lynne so far. The problem is, you've got to get to nine dates. In general, if everything goes well for nine dates, you've established a beachhead in the relationship. So four dates don't actually count toward anything. It's a nice beginning, a good sign if you will, but at this point, you really don't have the foundation with this lady for a long-term relationship. In other words, you have nothing solid under your feet to justify your later actions. So what went wrong that night? Doc sets this overeager guy straight...

drop a line, don't drop by Now, on to your movements on the night in question. First of all, Wilson, why didn't you just go to a pay phone and call Lynne? Ever hear of Ma Bell? In this country, she or one of her competitors plants a pay phone every three blocks or so. Wouldn't that have made more sense than turning yourself into a peeping Tom? In the second place, when did you hatch this casual "drop in" philosophy? Dude, you don't just drop in! The notion of calling beforehand is such a basic courtesy that it's the very first rule of etiquette. You just don't do "unannounced," especially in the dating game. Now, on the other hand, if you'd been going out with this gal for four or five months and she told you out of the blue, "By the way, Wilson, there's no need to call me -- if you're ever in the area, you just come on by because the door is always open," then you've got the okay -the approval -- to do it. As it was, you didn't have the relationship and you didn't have the okay, so you were missing two major necessities when you made your move. And you didn't even make it past the door! As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "You're dead in the water and you haven't even gotten to the good part!"

this is real life You know, pal, if this were a Hollywood movie, what you pulled would be fabulous. But it doesn't work on the street. Just think of the nasty possibilities of your actions. What if, perchance, Lynne or one of her neighbors spotted your car hidden there in the shadows? What if one of her girlfriends or brothers or cousins, or even somebody who lived down the street, took down your license plate number, ran it past the local constabulary where they happen to know one of the policemen, and he confirmed that "Yup, it's Wilson snooping around all right!" Then you can bet you punched your ticket to Dumpville and Lynne was going to say, "Come and get your stuff!" No doubt that's what happened to you last week, Wilson. And you're surprised Lynne doesn't want to see you anymore? Gosh, I don't know why! You would think that Lynne would love the idea of a sleazy stalker lurking in the bushes -- jeez, don't all women? But seriously, here's another thing that bothers me big-time -- after four dates, you're already leaving stuff at this woman's house? Doesn't sound to me like you're any kind of Challenge -sounds to me like you're moving in! At least that's what's in your mind -- not hers.

what were you thinking? Wilson, I would suggest that the first thing you do is hustle down to the nearest police station and register yourself -- as a sex offender. With all the weirdoes, idiots, jerks, and lowlifes running around in our society today abducting little girls and such, didn't it enter your mind when you were peeping through curtains that it's not exactly a solid dating tactic? As Rabbi Love says, "Peeking into somebody's window is bad enough when you're in the eighth grade; for a guy going on 40, it's definitely not kosher." Remember guys; if you want to get dropped, just drop in.

Where Can Guys Meet Great Women? Hey Doc, My problem is basic, but since you seem to be open to tackling any kind of situation, I'm going to take the chance and ask anyway. I am a 42-year-old male who was married for 20 years and am now in the final stages of my divorce from Robin. (One child, by the way, and she lives with my soon-to-be ex.) In all the years I was married, I never cheated on Robin, and for these last two, I've been in a state of shock. I've also been going back and forth with Robin (with the help of various marriage counselors) in an attempt to save our marriage. Needless to say, it didn't work.

i'm out of the loop Now that I'm completely on my own, I find myself feeling totally inept when it comes to women and dating. Instead of feeling the experience of my years, I feel dopier than an eighthgrader who's never kissed a girl in his life. Add to this that I've begun noticing that the women I meet seem to have no interest whatsoever in a man my age. I don't know, maybe it's just my imagination. All they seem to want is vacuous guys under 30. But again, at this point, this might only be my skewed vision of life. To make a long story short, it's a nightmare out there. I've tried cultivating women through the Internet, but when I actually meet them face to face, they look nothing like their pictures. I've come to the conclusion that nobody is honest. I've gone into a few bars and clubs, and forget it. My skin isn't that thick yet -- I feel like I'm surrounded by schools of sharks.

i'm no loser, doc Doc, I'm attractive (I think), in great physical shape, educated (M.A.), financially secure, humble, and blah blah blah. I'm sure you've heard it all from other guys. Since I work out of my home, I have extremely limited work-related social activity. My question to you is, where the heck am I supposed to go to find quality women? I know that I'll have to go through a certain number of them to find a single good one, but I can't even seem to get into the game. Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated, and no doubt appreciated by others like me. George -- who'll be alone again come Saturday night

doc love's answer Hi George, My first piece of advice to you is to go easy on yourself. Sadly, there are lots of guys in your boat, but it's not the end of the world. And you've come to the right place for coaching. When the marriage dies, it's time to move on... Before we leave the subject of your failed marriage, let me just say that I think marriage counselors are great. But the Reality Factor says that there's one thing they can't do, and that's bring a woman's Interest Level back to life once it's gone south of 50% -- nobody can. The smart move here is to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with your life.

you're stuck in a time warp

Now, let's start with where you are right now. When a guy is married for 20 years -- in your case, from the time you were 22 until now -- he's locked in what I call a "time warp." In a sense, you were forcibly pulled out of society. You haven't the foggiest notion what's going on out there in the real world. When you re-enter the dating scene, you expect it to be like it was when you were 21, but baby, it's not. It's a much rougher, much tougher world out there nowadays. As Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "Ricky Nelson is dead!" But that's okay -we'll work around it. Stick with me.

you need to swim again George, the fact is that it's normal to feel dopey. There's nothing wrong with that. Again, think of the rock you've been under for the past two decades. I get reams of e-mail from long-time married men between 35 and 55 who are going through divorces, and their fix is the same. To you Psych majors, you're not a robot, so a period of adjustment to the new reality is to be expected. Stop beating yourself up! You're just like a fish out of water -- you don't know what's going on and you're trying to thrash yourself back into the water. Don't worry -- I will teach you how to swim.

you're still a baby Now, your age. George, you're not 106. You're only 42 -- there's still hope! Sure, there are lots of women out there between 35 and 45 with fine figures made up of various surgically "upgraded" body parts who walk around complaining, "I'm (relatively) young and hot, so why would I want a 42-year-old geezer?" But George, 42 does not really make you an old geezer. There are women around between 35 and 42 who will find you attractive. We just have to find you the right one. But at the same time, you have to be packing your gear. Like General Love says, "You can't go into war without bullets." And that's what you're doing -- going into battle. If you don't have the proper ammo when you go out looking for Miss Right, you'll get squashed like a bug. The ammo you need is contained in "The System." All you have to do is memorize everything in the Dating Dictionary . It's time to avoid bars and head to these places if you want to meet women...

we all lie about ourselves Let's talk about the Internet. I get tons of e-mail from women, and they tell me that -- believe it or not -- guys are dishonest too! So let's have some empathy for the other half here, fellas.

They ask me why you guys put up your high school pictures when you're 50 years old. What you're running into, George, is the same thing -- she's using her cheerleader snapshot from senior year and she's pushing 45. People change with time; that's why you always want to post the best current professional photo of yourself -- it's the first thing she's going to see when she brings up your file. By the way, George, are you talking to -- interviewing -- these women on the phone before you make the date to go to Starbucks? Are you finding out whether she's really 5'8", 132 pounds, and not 5'3", 182 pounds? Try to get as much information as possible beforehand -it'll save you lots of time.

avoid the bar scene The only reason you should go to a bar or club is to have a good time with your buddy. It's a mistake to get caught up in that scene. And forget Friday and Saturday nights. If you want to do the bars, do them on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, when the atmosphere is a little less competitive. But ultimately, clubs and bars aren't really a good bet because they're the only places women go to pick up guys when they have their shields up. Sounds like a contradiction to me, but that's the reality of the situation. George, you've listed all of your qualifications. But are you fun to be with ? Have you developed your sense of humor? That counts for more than anything when you're trying to make a go of it in the dating game. Don't come off like a whipped loser, even if that's how you feel. Remember my cousin Fast Eddie Love's advice: "If you can make 'em laugh, dude, it's party time!"

where to meet women You want to go to lunches, dinners and meetings sponsored by various women's groups on how to make your business better, how to be a successful entrepreneur, how to enlarge your home-based business, etc. There'll be women there. All kinds of women. You'll be like a weasel in a henhouse. Sit and talk shop with them. It's here that you can develop your "sales presentation." It's here that you'll find out which of your jokes work, and which don't. Think of these functions as a great place to practice. Other superb places to meet women are:  Yoga class  Wine-tasting clubs

 Swing dance class  New Age seminars (but watch out for the wackos)  Cooking class  Comedy improv workshops  Acting class (again, be on wacko alert!)  Weddings You might also want to try some volunteer activities. But the very best way to determine where to go, George, is by asking yourself what hobbies and pastimes interest you the most. Make a list of those. The ones that have the most women involved are where you want to be. Remember guys; just because you're alone, doesn't mean you have to be lonely.

Are Some Women Too Good To Be True? Hey Doc, I'm 33 and recently met Melinda, who's 32. She is very hot and it would be hard for any guy not to find her attractive. Anyway, she agreed to go out with me, and on the first date I followed all of your principles. The very next day she called me and asked me out on another date. I accepted. After that night, she called me for a third date. As you might imagine, things were going well between us. On the second and third dates, Melinda cooked dinner for me, told me how wonderful I am, said she was falling for me, and told me she wants to take me to Florida (all expenses paid by her). She also asked for pictures of me, said she was willing to rearrange her schedule with her kids to be with me (she has two) and calls me every single day (I don't answer all her calls). She has said everything to me but "I love you." I keep my mouth shut as far as responding to her compliments, or I just say "Thanks." Her Interest Level in me is probably about 90% or more. Now, here's the problem. Melinda has been divorced for about a year. On our second date, she revealed to me that she had been having an affair with a married guy for the past year, and that she thought he was her soul mate. They recently went on a trip to Las Vegas together, and she told him (she says, anyway) that they had to stop seeing each other because he's married. (Incidentally, he lives in a different state, so I know they can't be carrying on with one another.) Anyway, these things have made me question her Integrity. Also, do you think it's suspicious that her Interest Level is in the 90s by the second date?

i tested her

As a test, I told Melinda on our third date that I needed $5 for highway tolls and that I'd pay her back the next time I saw her. She handed me a 20 and said, "Just keep it." I do plan on paying her back, but I guess that, on one level, the whole thing seems too good to be true, while on another I'm not sure I completely trust her. Doc, what's your read on Melinda? Should I drop her like a hot potato and move on? I'd really appreciate your insight here, as I read your column faithfully and find you right on the money. Thanks. Harrison -- who's never had it this easy

doc love's answer Hi Harrison, First of all, congratulations on Melinda's high Interest Level in you. But if she had any class , she wouldn't be hounding you the very next day! I want a woman to have 95% Interest Level when she first sets eyes on you, and I want her to have 95% Interest Level at the end of a date. But I don't want her to act on it. Climbing all over you shows that she has no Self-Control. If she's that interested, then what's the problem? Doc lays it on the line...

you should be making the moves The man is supposed to be the aggressor in the dating game. Melinda should be sitting back, relaxing, and letting you ask her out and letting you call her up once a week. As the great Doctor Freud once said, "A clinically sane woman doesn't call a guy every day, at least not during the first month!" This constant phoning only happens when you're already married and your wife is wondering where you are every five minutes. This babe's going way, way too fast. Sure, I want her to cook for you and I want her to take you on vacation, but after the first two or three dates? She's got to rein in her horses -- she's going crazy! See, Harrison, if she's already acting like this, then there are likely other areas of her life that you're unaware of, where she's done -- or is going to do -- some goofy things. It's a positive sign that she likes you, obviously, but she's got to learn how to cool her jets.

she's got some screws loose Here's another way to look at it, pal: your own Interest Level is 90%, but you're not going nuts, are you? Geez, Melinda is giving you no time or space to pursue her -- she's all over you like white on rice. I think it's great that she's hustling you, don't get me wrong, but she should be cooking dinner and squiring you on trips after four or five months -- not four or five days! Now, on to her affair. How can Melinda's "soul mate" be married ? It's a contradiction in terms! And why did it take her so long to dump this dude? If she had any Integrity, she would

have told him that they couldn't see each other when he first asked her out. "No, thanks. Soon as you get divorced, call me." That's what she should have said if she had any class. But she has no class. Doc weighs in on Melinda's affair...

here's a newsflash And just a minute, here -- what do you mean the two of them "can't be carrying on"? Hasn't it crossed your mind that this married "soul mate" of Melinda's can fly into town and shack up with her at Motel 6 for a few hours? We have these newfangled contraptions called airplanes and motels for $55 nowadays, don't forget! Come on, Harrison -- the reality is that you don't know what Melinda's doing. You are very nave . But I am glad these little things made you question her Integrity! That said, I don't think it's suspicious that she has 90% plus Interest Level in you so early in the game. Lots of women, when they first see a man, declare "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with that guy." That woman might very well be a keeper, and you might very well want her. I just want her to keep her pants on and let the relationship unfold slowly .

want her to boil your bunny? And I think it's great that she gave you $20. It's no big deal, and it is another good sign. Nevertheless, you have huge problems with Melinda dating married men and calling you every single day. Here's a suggestion: try backing off for a while and not calling her, and you'll find out if this gal has a temper. Usually these overly generous, overeager types are extremely jealous and possessive of your time. Wait a week to call, return her calls two days later, and see if she'll be complaining, "Hey -- after all I gave you, you have the nerve to ignore me? You jerk!" The desperation she's displaying makes it entirely possible that Melinda is a bit of a whack job. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction ? If you don't watch out and slow down, your pet rabbit may end up in the soup. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Be careful. There ain't no clean deals in life!" Here's another tip for you, Harrison: When a woman is this hot and heavy so soon, you can bet she'll be the same with the next guy she runs into. Remember guys; the reason you've had it so easy is because this girl's easy.

Does The System Bring Out The Worst In Women?

Hey Doc, I recently purchased "The System." It's the best information on dating and women that I've ever encountered. This is why I hope you can help me with the problem I'm currently having. Gabriela (maybe the most attractive girl I've ever talked to in my life) and I have been getting to know each other for the past two months. She's in my class at university, so I see her on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have actually become pretty close -- or so I thought. I let her initiate all the physical contact (such as touching my leg, rubbing my back, or putting her hand on mine), just as you say to do. She also makes it a point to hug me after every class and goes out of her way to get me to notice her.

i thought she wanted me As a result, I began to get the feeling that Gabriela wanted to be more than friends. I kept taking it slow, just as you suggest. Finally, after a Tuesday night class, I asked her out to a movie, and she said yes. But at the very next class, a pretty Native American girl who usually sits next to me happened to come in that day and flirted with me a little. I was friendly to her, but did absolutely nothing that I would deem inappropriate. I was just being a nice guy, you know, Doc? Well, needless to say, that ticked Gabriela off. Immediately after class, she told me that something had come up and she wouldn't be able to go out with me to the movie after all. Suddenly, she said, her schedule was too full. That night I was upset about what had happened, went home and e-mailed Gabriela and told her how I felt about her. What I was after was to find out if she felt the same way about me. She seemed to soften a bit, but, get this -- she said she just wanted to see me now as a friend! Ouch! Doc, what the heck happened? Did your techniques backfire on me? Please help. Thanks. Art -- who is totally and completely dumbfounded

doc love's answer Hi Art, You might not realize it now, but you are one lucky, lucky dude. And I'm the guy you can thank for your good fortune. I'll explain in a moment. Now, up to the point when you asked Gabriela out, you did everything right. Obviously you understand the principle of touching. You learned your lessons well. Given your

overwhelming attraction to Gabriela, you're to be commended for your restraint and adherence to my rules. You took it nice and slow. But then Art got way ahead of himself... Most guys look at dating as a 100-yard dash, when, in fact, it's a marathon. So I'm going to award you a star for your early performance. But as Rabbi Love is fond of saying, "Only time will tell, son, what's really going on!"

you made the move Then you asked her out to a movie. Uh oh. Here's where you deviated from the rulebook, Art. You plunged recklessly ahead of the program and went for the date before the time was right. (And you were so good at the beginning!) As General Love says, "Rushing onto the battlefield without the proper training and preparation is an invitation to disaster!" What you were supposed to do was ask for the home phone number. You tampered with "The System" here, pal, and committed an error. You fell into the trap that most guys who are unsuccessful with women fall into. It's called jumping the gun. But let's take a close look at what happened next. Another pretty girl found you attractive, and rather than take it as a compliment to her good taste, Gabriela went and got all bent out of shape. But here's the good part of it, Artie: you dodged a bullet. Isn't it better you discovered this side of her now rather than after two or three or four months of dating? You bet it is! And that's why I said you were lucky.

you should've walked Right then and there, after Gabby blew off your date, you should have written her off. Next time you see her in class, flash a nice smile, ask how she's doing, but aside from such gentlemanly gestures, give her absolutely nothing . When you e-mailed her that night, Art, you were begging . In her eyes, you were down on your knees, groveling -- the complete and total antithesis of being a Challenge. With that move you'd turned yourself into the worst but most common sort of weakling -- Wimpus Americanus . Think about it: how could you even ask this girl if she felt the same about you when she broke a date? You made a mental leap ahead to something that didn't exist! As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love puts it, "When she canceled your date, it was over forever in your lifetime!"

the system eliminates bad seeds

Fortunately for you, Art, "The System" does bring out the worst in women -- the wrong women -- and that's what's so great about it. The sooner we learn the worst about a girl, the sooner we can dump her and move on to someone who's not so uptight (the code word for "jealous" and "possessive" and "controlling"). Here a pretty girl talks to you, and Gabriela loses it? Can you imagine being married to her and having a couple of kids? If you went out to dinner and the waitress was friendly, she'd probably demand a divorce! So don't waste another minute thinking about Gabriela, guy. What you should be doing instead is thinking about asking that pretty Native American girl for her home phone number. Remember guys; the sooner you can find out what she's really made of, the sooner you can leave her.

Can You Ever Take It Too Slow? Hey Doc, I've been studying "The System" for a while now, and am just starting to implement everything I've learned. I took a dating hiatus after breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, but your book really helped me move on and inspired me to improve myself in preparation for my next relationship. About a month ago I met Diana at a friend's birthday party. Our first two dates went great. I kept it light and positive and let her do all the talking. I also made sure to take her out on weekdays. By the third date, and even during the second, she commented on how she didn't know a lot about me and asked why I was being so mysterious. I used humor to explain myself and that seemed to buy me more time, but it got me wondering, how long is too long to avoid those probing questions women tend to ask, especially about the ex-girlfriend? Also, if you let her do all the talking for the first 60 days, won't she think you're lacking in personality or substance? Banter can only take you so far.

then the phone calls started Now I have to admit that after the third date I made the mistake of talking to Diana a couple of times over the phone. She would call and want to talk for hours. Since the third date went so well, I felt compelled to give her some phone time. It was during these conversations that she started asking me how she could go about capturing my heart. I took this to mean she wanted to go steady, but it wasn't even close to 60 days -- it wasn't even 30 days yet.

I told her that I liked the way things were going and that with time, she might get what she wanted. She asked if I was seeing anyone else and I said no, but she didn't believe me. (In reality, I wasn't dating anyone else and wanted to date her exclusively also, but I wanted to do the right thing and not move in too fast.) My question is, how long should a guy wait before agreeing to date exclusively? I know we should wait for the girl to ask, but what if they ask relatively early in the dating process? Diana starts to show some warning signs... Since then I've seen a few red flags from Diana, indicating inflexibility and lack of trust. She's also very judgmental and has a quick temper, which she warned me about but I'm just starting to see now. Most of this stems from the fact that she thinks I'm seeing other people. This makes me think that she may be a future nag and I'm actually thinking about ending things before I get too involved, despite my own high Interest Level in her. But I have to wonder if I brought out these traits in Diana by moving too slow. I hope you can answer my questions, since it looks like I'll be asking for more home phone numbers soon. Rock -- who wants to get it right

doc love's answer Hi Rock, Know what you should have said when Diana complained about your cool demeanor? "Specifically, honey, what would you like to know about me at this point? And by the way, I really take it as a compliment, your calling me a mystery. Because between you and me, I think guys talk too much." Just like Bogie would have said. So you had to use humor to get off the hook, huh? Dude, get used to it -- you're going to be pulling out the light repartee and parrying your wife's interrogations after 30 years of marriage! And any time a woman brings up your exes, here's how you deal with it: "One had no Integrity, one was too structured, and one was a Taker. Does that answer your question?" You don't have to worry about being perceived as lacking in personality and substance if you keep your mouth shut, fella. Remember the old clich, "Silence is golden?" It happens to be true. And when you do open your trap, keep it light and funny and positive, like you tried to do at first. Because banter is going to take you everywhere , Rock. The key to women is banter. Just keep practicing. What's the problem with this situation? Doc lays it out...

she's the problem

The real problem here is Diana herself. I don't mind a girl calling you and sniffing around for attention after three, four or five months, but this babe's doing it way too fast. She should be practicing a little Self-Control and saving the conversation for face-to-face dates. You felt compelled to give her phone time? Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Why lay a guilt trip on yourself?" Don't ever feel forced to do anything when it comes to a female. The "Dating Dictionary" says: never talk for hours on the phone. When she asked how to go about capturing your heart, the perfect answer would have been "By not talking for hours on the phone!" No, I don't like the fact that this girl is already gone after just three dates. I'm happy that she has 95% Interest Level, but she should be controlling her tongue. She's pushing it entirely too hard. So the good part is that she's pushing too hard -- and the bad part is that she's pushing too hard. She's not giving the relationship any room to breathe. You did hit the bull's-eye once, though, pal, and that was when you told Diana, "With time you might get what you want." Perfecto. You get an A+ for that one. Because you remained a Challenge. You told her that she has to work to get you. Even if you said it half-jokingly, you got the point across and she should have listened. But when Diana asked if you were seeing someone else, you missed an opportunity for the perfect retort: "Well, not that many." That's what you should have said.

avoid this kind of pressure Notice how she's pressuring the crap out of you during all this, buddy? Jeez. You must be feeling more pressure than Michael Moore at a right-wing dinner. How long should you guys wait before agreeing to date exclusively? After she asks you , that's when. But you don't want to do it after three or four dates -- you want things to unfold naturally, give it a couple of months at least. To you Psych majors, you have to get to know each other. In your case, Rock, you and Diana are still strangers . She's just someone you met at a party, and she's still basically a stranger. This girl has high Interest Level, but no SelfControl. And if she has no Self-Control, that means she has problems in other areas. It's only the fin of the shark. If she asks that question too early in the dating process, stall her. Tell her "I'm shy," or "I've been hurt." They're the excuses they always hand to us guys, right?

the biggest red flag Finally, you mention that Diana has a quick temper and that she warned you about it. And you're just mentioning it now ? Man, I'd hate to have you around in case of an emergency, Rock. You'd let the house burn down before you got around to dialing 911.

This little item should have been brought out before you talked about anything else! Her hissy fits don't stem from anything you did -- she was a hothead before she met you, so don't lay another guilt trip on yourself. She'll be a hothead after you get rid of her, too. As Fast Eddie Love says, "What you see is what you get!" You didn't bring these negative traits out of her, guy. They were all there before you ever set eyes on her. The point is this: you can only move too fast with women. You can never move too slowly. Remember guys; if you want to get it right, follow "The System."

Do Women Respond Well To Pressure? Hey Doc, I flirted around with Janine on the job for a few months, but I kept my distance because she was involved in a long-term relationship with another guy. She had been with this guy for over six years, so I didn't make a big deal out of things. Janine and I would laugh and joke around and it got to the point where we both actually looked forward to coming to work to spend time together. She had very high Interest Level in me. She would take every opportunity to "accidentally" touch me, bump into me, and rub my arm during conversations. While all of this was going on, her problems at home with her boyfriend had gotten worse. After a few months, she told her boyfriend that he should move out and that she didn't think things would work out between them. Well, he did move out and then I asked her out.

perhaps she felt pressured She was kind of hesitant about it at first, but I'm afraid I made the mistake of making her afraid she would lose me forever if she didn't go out with me right away. We finally went out and had an incredibly great time. Over the next two months we dated steadily and had a fantastic time on every date. Then she told me out of the blue that she's talking to her ex again and wants time to "figure things out." Even as she feels she needs time to figure things out, she still initiates physical contact with me at work and we can still laugh and have a good time -- but only at work. I have a feeling that I may have dumped too much on her and made her feel like I want a commitment out of her. Well, I do, but I don't want her to know that, especially now that she's still thinking about her ex.

I feel that her Interest Level in me is still moderately high, but she's just having a hard time letting go of the past. What can I do to raise her Interest Level back to where it was? I'm afraid that if I make myself unavailable and act as though I don't care, she may look to her ex for any comfort she might need. What I really want to do is apply some pressure to break the deadlock, but I don't know if it's the right move. Is there anything I can do about this situation? Clarence -- who doesn't know whether to retreat or advance

doc love's answer Hi Clarence, Unfortunately for you, your one shining moment in this whole debacle was in the very first sentence. "The System" says, "no boyfriends in the background," and you showed the proper restraint and didn't go charging straight in like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Kudos. Most guys wouldn't have done what you did. They would have busted in and tried to knock the other guy right out of the box, which is impossible. Because as Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Only the woman can knock the other guy out of the box." She was with him for six years and wasn't sure? There's something up with that...

six years of nothing? Janine and her guy were together six years, huh? As the great bard once wrote, something's rotten in the state of Denmark. At the end of one year, the woman knows whether or not the guy's a keeper. And if he's not willing to commit, then something's wrong. A woman hanging around a guy for six years with nothing happening is a big red flag . There's a problem with either Janine or her ex. And, by the way, it's never good to make a "big deal out of things." As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love advises, "Relax, man. When it comes to women, there is no such thing as a big deal." Like I said, you did fine -- until things broke your way. Then it was straight downhill for you, Clarence.

you moved way too fast Asking Janine out immediately after she broke up with her guy was a huge mistake. You should have let her come down from the aftershocks first. You went in way too quickly, pal. Instead, you should have continued just playing with her at work and waited for her to ask you out. The fact that she was hesitant confirms it.

Your biggest shortcoming in the entire enterprise, Clarence, is that you never gained a beachhead. Unlike the Americans on D-day, you got knocked back into the water and never achieved a solid foothold with this babe, and you must have that in order to achieve anything.

now you're chasing her Now you're left trying to plug a hole in a ship that's leaking. Your best course of action at this point is to continue having a good time with Janine at work, but don't bring up the exboyfriend and don't bring up dating. And be sure to always make her chase you , and initiate the conversation and physical contact. With time, you might get lucky and she'll get rid of the other bum forever. Wanting a commitment before the time is right can only lead to a mess. Like most guys, you used pressure. And romantic love doesn't respond properly to pressure. So yes, she's thinking about her ex, and she's also thinking about you -- she's leading two turkeys around by the nose. And don't delude yourself, Clarence; the reason Janine's having a hard time letting go of the past is because she still has high Interest Level in this ex of hers.

want her back? withdraw If you want to raise her Interest Level back to where it was, withdraw, just like the Russians did during World War II. They pulled back, pulled back, pulled back, and the good old German army got caught in the snow. Let Janine keep coming after you until her supply lines are stretched to the limit. Then she'll be finished. That's General Love's strategy here. So let Janine go to the ex for comfort all she wants. We're not here to "comfort" the woman. We're not here to make her a better person or get her into heaven. We're trying to get her to fall in love with us and stay with us -- that's the only reason we're here. We couldn't give a damn what the other guy does. The way you're going to apply pressure is by withdrawing. Remember guys; once they start talking about old boyfriends, it's time to disappear.

Should I Choose Her Or My Dog? Hey Doc,

You may remember an e-mail I sent you some time back. I told you how "The System" changed my life, and I also wanted to thank you. I told you about how I'd gotten out of a bad relationship and found the love of my life, Caitlin, who meets all the key elements of a great woman (qualities you very insightfully pointed out in past articles). You wrote back and told me that I was doing great. Well, now I've run into a problem I can't find an answer to in your book. I've been dating Caitlin for a year and everything has been great. Lately we've been talking about getting engaged and moving in together. I recently had to move out of my place and into a new rental, and neither of us like the increased distance between us. Both of us are willing to relocate to be with each other. However, we unexpectedly ran into a major stumbling block -- my dog, Max. Max is a "house dog" who is my best friend, and I can't bear the thought of parting with him. Caitlin, on the other hand, does not go for "house dogs." She brought this up before we got romantically involved, but we both sort of cruised over the subject. Her point of view is that basically I'm saying it's either her or the dog, and she doesn't like that. My point of view is that if she cared about my feelings, she would get used to the dog since she knows what Max means to me. It has become a huge issue. So my dilemma is whether or not I should stick to my guns and keep Max. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll look like a pushover now that Caitlin and I are in love. On the other hand, I'd hate to lose a great woman and a great relationship because she thinks I love the dog more than I love her. What do I do? Help, Doc! Chris -- who is in the doghouse

doc love's answer Hi Chris, Unfortunately, you've got no one but yourself to blame for finding yourself in the doghouse. "Cruising over" the subject of your pooch was a humongous error on your part. Your attachment to your mutt was way too big of an issue to just gloss over. The sad truth is that you shouldn't have gotten involved with Caitlin in the first place. So what should Chris have done? Find out...

what do you have in common? Pal, when you skip over a subject of this magnitude in a dating relationship, there's always a day of reckoning. That's why in "The System," we have the Reality Factor. Or as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love likes to say, "Between a guy and his girl, reality always raises its ugly

head!" You ended up falling for Caitlin, who is great, but you'd have been much better off finding someone who has common values , because your values when it comes to animals are exactly the opposite of hers. To you, a dog is man's best friend, while to Caitlin the beasts of the world belong anywhere but inside a house. I happen to have a cat myself. Personally, I don't believe in having animals in the house, either, so I know where your girlfriend's coming from. And lots of other people don't want animals in the home. With Fido, you have to deal with dog breath, dog slobber, dog hair, dog dander, and that's just for starters. And to people who are germ freaks, dogs are carriers of all kinds of goodies. Mutts don't use handkerchiefs or toilet paper, and they lick certain parts of their bodies that are, um, unsanitary. So Caitlin has her legitimate reasons for feeling the way she does. And we haven't even factored in the vet bills.

i'm on your side, pal Now, in your defense (all the other love doctors always put down the guy -- I'm the single one who doesn't), your pet was there first . Caitlin, too, should have asked herself some hard questions when the two of you were becoming more than just friends. She should have said to herself, "Hey, if I fall for this guy, how am I going to ask him to get rid of Max? Maybe we shouldn't go any further with this, or maybe we should hammer it out right now, before it's too late and we're involved." But she didn't. It's like you came into the relationship with a child, Chris. To many people in America, dogs are like children, and your case proves it. In fact, what if you were divorced and had a rugrat or two? Would Caitlin now be demanding that you beat it or get rid of the kids? Of course I know a dog isn't a kid, but in your eyes, Max is. There are over 55 million dogs in America, and in some cases they're treated better than kids. People love their canines in this country. In other words, you and your doggy were a package deal, and Caitlin was responsible for recognizing that fact and not glossing over it. So your problem goes back to the very first day you met. Here's Doc's solution...

the solution So now, bro, you're at an either/or dead-end: either get rid of the dog or get rid of Caitlin. But there's a way around the impasse.

Here's what I would suggest: find a house with a garage for you and Caitlin. Keep Max in the backyard during the day, and at night allow the animal into the garage. Arrange it so that Max feels comfortable out there, and you do too. Set up a chair, go out there every day, spend quality time with the dog, play with him, take him for a walk, and so forth.

nip it in the bud Chris, you don't want to lose the love of your life over a dog. I'm not saying that either you or Caitlin is right, and I'm not pointing fingers either. The two of you have to work out a compromise. Or as Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "If you want to keep her, baby, you're gonna have to get good at finding the middle ground from here on in." This is going to be just one of many compromises you'll have to make with Caitlin. You'll have to take trips to visit her relatives when you don't want to, you'll have to see movies you don't want to see, you'll have to eat at restaurants you might not dig all that much. Get used to it. So don't regard this situation in terms of "either/or," but rather that you and Caitlin are just going to have to work through it. You might look a little like a pushover, but that's what happens when an issue isn't resolved from the get-go. The reality of your dog was eventually going to come up and bite you. And hopefully Caitlin's not just testing you. Remember guys; if you want a good dog and a good woman at the same time, date only dog lovers from the beginning.

How Do I Break The Ice? Hey Doc, Let me first say that I'm a big fan of yours, having read your column and being a student of "The System" and its principles. For my money, you're the best love coach out there -- maybe the best in the whole world. Now maybe I've just missed it, but I don't believe that you've ever discussed exactly what to say to a woman in great detail. I hope this isn't too basic for you, but I could really use some help here, Doc. In other words, how do you break the ice? Then what the heck do you say to follow it up? How do you keep the initial contact going and make your way to asking for the home phone number? This is where I really get stuck when I try to meet a girl that I like. "Hi" doesn't seem to work most of the time. But maybe it's just me. If I don't get an enthusiastic response right off the

bat, I tend to lose whatever confidence I have, stumble over my words, and end up making a fool of myself.

what do i say? So when you get around to reading this, what I'd like to know is what to say in the following situations (which is where I find myself most of the time when I spot a girl I'd like to take out): 1. If she is at the bar. 2. If she is with her friends. 3. If she is standing on the outside of the dance floor. 4. If she is waiting to use the restroom. 5. If she is in line at a bank, store or restaurant. There are more, but if you could help with the above list, I could probably apply them to the others. By the way, Doc, I'm 29, a college graduate, and have a good job in the pharmaceuticals field. You might not even want to deal with something as fundamental as this, but I know I sure would appreciate the help, and so would all the other losers like me. Thanks in advance for your tips. Carney -- who doesn't know how to get into the game

doc love's answer Hi Carney, First of all, want to know why "hi" doesn't work most of the time? Because the girls you're approaching don't have high Interest Level in you. If they did, that simple "hi" would do the trick. That's the main point you're missing here -- most of the girls you hit on don't like you . He might get a good eight out of 100... But look at it this way, guy. Out of a hundred girls, how many are going to like you? Eight? 10? 12? It's a hard numbers game for the average joe. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If you looked like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy , you wouldn't even have to say 'hi' -- she'd be taking your towel off before you even opened your mouth!" (But we all know women don't care about looks -- they're really after "inner beauty!" That's what makes us men such animals!)

keep your confidence

So you shouldn't lose your confidence, pal, because you've had the guts to go up to these girls in the first place, talk to them, and try and close the deal. These are complete strangers you're approaching, don't forget, so it's to your credit that you're even trying. But the more interesting thing is this: they didn't help you . And why not? Because they weren't interested. "There's a logic to this madness," as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say. But you don't have to stumble over your words. Whenever you see a honey you'd like to take out, look at her and say, with a twinkle in your eye, "I think you're coming on too heavy." Just like Bogart would. Remember; always keep it light, funny and easy. When she goes on staring at you, you'll feel like a fool twice over, but that's okay -- you're just there to have fun anyway. Then ask her, "Hey, have you got a girlfriend for me?" If she doesn't at least crack a smile, she's got no sense of humor and you don't want her anyway.

find some lines that work The point is to have two or three great lines down pat, wade into the fray and smile . And remember; you have to be dressed right -- neat and clean. As my Uncle Jethro Love puts it, "Are your sneakers white? Are your clothes pressed? Of course, if you're in the band, forget about all that -- it doesn't matter!" Now, before we get rolling on your list, let's get an overview of the situation. There's one thing all these girls have in common, like I said -- they're all complete strangers to you. That's the really tough part, buddy. Before you even go near any of them, you have to ask yourself: What's the numerical probability that this girl's going to like me? Or that she's even available to like me? Like Brother Love says, "She doesn't know you from Adam, so the chances ain't good." But let's go over them one by one anyway... 1. At the bar. You go up to her, and when she makes eye contact, you say, "Are you dying to buy me a drink, sailor?" Again, just like Bogie. 2. With her friends. Pick the ugliest, fattest one and beg her to dance. After you're through and you go back and sit down at her table, say, "I would be delighted if you'd introduce me to your friends." 3. On the outside of the dance floor. This means she wants to dance. Or that her boyfriend, who's twice as tall as you, is in the men's room and she's waiting for him. Step up to her and say, "Excuse me -- may I have this dance?" Then smile and show her your pearly whites.

What have you got to lose, right? 4. Waiting to use the restroom. Forget it. She'll think you're a pervert. Why? It's all the rage nowadays to take pictures with your cell phone. 5. In a bank. She'll think you're trying to rob her, so forget that one, too. In a store. Ask her where the white chocolate macadamia cookies are. Talk about another product. Tell her it's your first time in the store and that you're lost. At a restaurant. Try to grab a table near her if you can. If she's watching the dance floor, dance with some other girls where she can see you. You have to keep an eye on her peripherally, and then make your move. The best time to go up to her in a restaurant is when she's on her way back from the ladies' room.

break that ice When you're making any of these silly pitches, Carney, what you're really doing is trying to break the ice. You're saying, "I want to play. Please tell me you want to play too! Give me your home phone number." If she's interested, it'll work. Now, to follow it up. When you open your mouth, the girl knows you're conning her. When you talk to her about the avocados in the produce section, she knows there's a good chance you're hustling her. And if she's attractive, she's going to get hustled all the time. But if she sees something in you, and she's available, you've got a shot -- though it's a slim one. If, on the other hand, after two or three of your funny lines her eyes glaze over and she yawns -- in other words, if she doesn't help you out with positive encouragement either verbally or with her body language -- say, "Nice meeting you" and walk away. Next!

go to other places too But Carney, you should be aiming at higher-percentage activities to meet girls. Like giving speeches where there are females in the audience. Take what you're best at and emphasize your success. Try a church, for instance, where there are maybe 500 people listening and maybe 10 goodlooking babes who will take a shine to you. There are definitely better ways to find them than the cold call. Remember guys; they help you when they like you.

Should You Ever Date Your Student? Hey Doc, I'm a teaching assistant in English literature at a large state university here in the East. There's a girl in my class -- I'll call her Ariana -- who has a crush on me. She's from Brazil, is highly intelligent, and a total knockout. Frankly, I can't stop looking at her, but I try and keep it to a secretive minimum since she's paying for an education and not to get hit on. Anyway, I'm 26 and she's about 19. Sometimes Ariana comes to my office for help with her homework, and I've noticed that she sometimes touches me and always seems a little nervous in my presence. Her eyes give a lot away, too. I know I'm not imagining things when I say she's interested in me. I can hardly concentrate on what I'm doing when we're sitting next to each other in this cramped little room. The whole thing makes me feel a bit like that teacher in the Police song "Don't Stand So Close To Me," who had his young female student coming on to him. So the semester is almost over and Ariana has asked for my e-mail address and told me that she wants to come to me for help next semester too. I told her I might not be here come August when the new semester starts, since I might be teaching at another school three hours away, which alarmed her a bit. She said, "You're a traitor to your school," which was quite comical, but I suspect she was trying to convey the message that she was disappointed at the prospect of not seeing me in the immediate future.

is it inappropriate? Somehow it doesn't seem proper for me, her teacher, to ask Ariana for her phone number. I'm wondering if I should just forget about her and be pleasantly surprised if she e-mails me. It just seems odd for me to be the initiator in this situation. So what do you think, Doc? I'd hate to let a great opportunity slip away by playing it so straight. On the other hand, I've got this thorny ethical dilemma. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated. By the way, I'm a faithful reader of "The System" and think you give great advice. Thomas -- who doesn't want to kick himself later

doc love's answer Hi Thomas, The only reason you'll be kicking yourself is if you don't realize right now how much you

have to lose here, since teaching is your job . Do you really want to cross a certain line with this young chippy and have your reputation -- as a sleaze that hits on his students -- precede you to your next position? In that case, you can kiss your sweet tenure goodbye! Next thing you know, you might not get hired anywhere . And forget the Police songs. You might have the coppers knocking on your door if you're not careful. Doc teaches Thomas some important lessons...

know the consequences Let's consider the worst-case scenario: let's say Ariana has already been at two other colleges and four other professors have been fired when she blew the whistle on them for sexual harassment. Thomas, the fact is that you know absolutely nothing about this gorgeous specimen. How can you even be sure of her true age , especially when she's from another country? Think about it. On the other hand, there is a best-case scenario, and it's that Ariana is deeply in love with you, and on account of you she wouldn't go back to Brazil unless they put an Uzi to her head. The reality of your situation is somewhere in between these two extremes, and my job is to train you to figure out that reality, much like a police officer would be trained to collect evidence by a forensic scientist. What you have to do is examine all these clues and possibilities. Still, the main thing to keep in mind is this: anything that jeopardizes your livelihood is just not worth it.

two more problems But if you determine that Ariana is a bona fide dating prospect -- and you obviously think she is -- you've still got two problems: 1- She's not a U.S. citizen and her family's not here, which means her long-term presence is questionable. 2- She's a beautiful creature, and no doubt everyone's been telling her that since she first dipped her toes in the Amazon. Sure, she's paying for an education and not to get hit on, but like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "She can see the muscles straining in your neck every time you look in her direction!" You have to learn to relax when you're around this girl. Nevertheless, touching you and being nervous in your presence are two great, great signs of high Interest Level. Fantastic observation on your part, dude. (But when you say her eyes give a lot away, that's just a little too general. Are they like flashlights throwing out beams of love

at you and you alone? If you're going to be a detective on Love and Order, you've got to be more specific. That's what I always tell you guys.) Anyway, as long as she's chasing you, you've got a real shot. So what you're going to do is be her friend . But Thomas, telling her you might not be here come August was a big mistake. Why in the world are you talking to this girl about the future? Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "If you're going to leave, tell her five minutes before you leave! Whatever you do, don't tell her now!" Because if you tell her now, you can't erase what you've planted in her mind. And the worst part is she might use it against you. You men out there have to learn to keep your mouths shut!

she's giving you buying signals You don't have to initiate, pal, because Ariana's coming at you. When she called you a traitor to your school that was Womanese for "I like you." She's been giving you buying signals. Now you have to hope that she'll ask you for your home phone number. You're going to have to outwait this honey. So Thomas, you really don't have a dilemma of any kind. Your goal is to make this girl fall in love with you. When she turns 23, then you can marry her because she won't be a baby anymore. Just hold your horses before you do something really stupid. If Ariana doesn't ask for your number and call you, she was just flirting. Remember guys; if you want to date your student, she's got to come at you.

Is Dating Only Easy If You're Good-Looking? Hey Doc, I happen to be married and not on the dating scene, but I look forward to your articles, as I find your point of view refreshing. Dating is indeed a power struggle, and men don't really get this, handing over all their bargaining power before they get anywhere with a woman. As far as usefulness is concerned, I think "The System" appeals to average-looking guys with average income levels, because the Pierce Brosnans of the world don't need it.

so is it hot or not?

The subject of looks is an interesting one in your writings. On the one hand you say that by being a Challenge, Mister Average can get an A+ babe. In other articles, the Reality Factor (common sense) dictates that women respond to attractiveness as much as men do, and that you have to be realistic about what you have as far as looks go. Other times you say that you can't guess a woman's motivations and therefore never know. Or you say that the "10s" are really high maintenance (implying that the average guy wouldn't want one anyway, and thus avoiding the issue). Often, you ask how many times you see a beautiful babe with a loser/ugly guy, as some form of encouragement to the average-looking guys, I suspect. (The answer, in reality, is pretty much never.) So from where I sit, you kind of dance around this issue of looks. I know Attitude and Challenge are your central themes, not looks, but it is an important factor in dating nevertheless, and never won't be (which, to your credit, you do acknowledge -- sometimes).

average guys want "a" babes Many average-looking guys spend half their lives pining for those "A" babes ("genetic celebrities"). Really, being a Challenge won't help much in that department because there are different leagues when it comes to looks. And it's rare to play -- and win -- out of your league and that's that. I know you preach Attitude in the end, and rightly so, but looks never cease to be important. I think your advice is great, and works best basically within your league . This is common sense, but the male ego has great difficulty staying in its own league, and denies reality. Being filthy rich would of course make all the above beside the point, but the Donald Trumps of the world don't need your advice either, and aren't reading your columns. I think your writings should emphasize being realistic as a means of increased success, maybe more often than they do. I'm really curious to hear your definitive opinion. Richard -- who believes that Brad Pitt will always come out on top.

doc love's answer Hi Richard, You're right when you say that most men are saps who hand over their power at the first possible opportunity. Most of them, upon sighting the most dangerous creature on the planet - the Beautiful Woman -- can't wait to run up the white flag of surrender.

But you forgot to mention this, mate... But you forgot to mention something else. Usually, by the time a guy is married, he has no self-respect -- or power -- left whatsoever. If he does, his wife will erode it by nagging him to death. Now, on to your main concerns. Luckily for him -- and us -- there's only one Pierce Brosnan in the world. But there are millions of us average-looking guys and so the playing field evens out. If there were 10 million Pierce Brosnans running around, we'd all be in trouble and I'd have to agree with you on this point, but I think you're skewing it.

hot ones do go average And what makes the dating game all the more interesting, Richard, is that there are many types of attractiveness. We've all seen some beautiful women with some real strange-looking dudes, haven't we? Remember the Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett romance? (And she married him!) Or how about Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob? (Ditto for her!) How many times have you seen a knockout with a schnook and asked yourself, "How the hell did he manage to snag her ?" And not all of these schnooks play in the band! You accuse me of saying that a guy can't ever guess a woman's motivations. This is actually a half-truth. You can't figure her out in the beginning , but with time and by looking through the eyes of "The System," you will see her real agenda . But it is true that most guys don't know where a babe is coming from most of the time. Maybe you're referring to yourself here, pal.

a 10 is tough to get You're on target when you suggest that the pursuit of the perfect "10" can be a grueling marathon. But there is a certain percentage of hardheaded men who will go after her no matter what. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Some guys have to have their eye candy whether or not you warn them that it's going to make them sick." And if they're willing to pay the price, fine. I just don't want them to find out after they get married how high the price was . You mention that I encourage guys by citing the loser/uglies who score beauties. This is also a misconception on your part. What I'm referring to is the "winner"/unattractive guy. The fellow

who "gets handsome" after he opens his mouth because he's got something besides sawdust between his ears and he's not just pumping iron or running on his looks. Those guys are capable of scoring "10s" too, but they come at it from a different angle. You judge her by her Interest Level...

you judge her interest Here's the way it works: you meet a babe, you start talking, and in two to three minutes -- if her Interest Level is 51% -- you can start working the mystical aphrodisiac known as Challenge . But if her Interest Level is 49% or less, it won't matter if you're Pierce Brosnan's clone -nothing's going to happen. Challenge only works when the girl likes you to begin with. Richard, I happen to agree with you that dating is easier within your own league. But the point is this: if she happens to like you , and all the pretty boys are down on their knees begging her to go off with them to Acapulco and you're hanging back cool and relaxed (being a Challenge), she has to wonder what separates you from the groveling turkeys. And that's your shot. It's true that you're not going to get as many shots with the "A" list because you don't run in that league. But as General Love says, "When you're packing 'The System,' you know that when you venture onto the battlefield of dating, you're out there to win ."

the system's for everyone "The System" comes in handy even for the filthy rich, buddy. Yes, even Donald Trump needs my advice. He's gone through two messy divorces and now he's about to marry someone who's young enough to be his daughter and who just happens to be Beautiful. Sound like a recipe for disaster? Has he learned his lesson yet? How much do you want to bet that he hasn't? Yet Donald Trump wouldn't condescend to buy my book. But maybe he should. Rush Limbaugh should too because he's about to become a three-time loser in the marital sweepstakes. Richard, you really haven't been paying close enough attention to what I preach. In the end, you always have to pass the Physical Attraction Test first . You've heard me say that 50 times in the years I've been writing this column. Once you pass that hurdle, then you can apply Challenge.

you never know

I agree that it's better to stay in the same league as the women you're dating. Because, like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "If she's running around with guys who own Lear jets and you man the pumps at the local Shell station, it's gonna be a little tough to catch her eye!" But in the end, you still never know. If fate is kind, maybe one day she'll run out of gas in front of your place. Remember guys; with "The System," you'll be better-looking.

Does Speed Dating Really Work? Hey Doc, I've been wondering what you think of "speed dating" or "speed matching." I've been to three such events sponsored by an online dating service. You get a mere four minutes with each woman. I find lots of women I'm attracted to at these functions, perhaps up to a quarter or a third of the total attendees. (Incidentally, the average age is 40-plus; I'm 55.) While I said "yes" on my ballot to lots of them, very few of the women I was attracted to selected me on their ballot. I'm no James Brolin, but I'm not bad-looking either. I lead an active life, own my own business, I'm educated, and blah, blah, blah. There were 18 women at the latest event. I said "yes" on my ballot to seven of them, and "maybe" to four. None of the women at the top of my list selected me. I got one lousy match - one of my "maybes" -- out of 18 candidates.

physical attraction is key And as always, the least attractive women (who I did not select) seem to select me. The dating service's method tells me who picked me, even if I didn't pick them. (Now, you may say it's important to look beyond the physical and I really try to do that, but I don't care how nice and sweet and giving they are, if I'm not physically attracted to them, it isn't going to work for me.) This high level of rejection is starting to get to me, Doc. I think I'm a great catch for a woman. What the heck am I doing wrong in a mere four minutes that is resulting in low or no interest whatsoever? I'm a great fan of yours and look forward to getting "The System," which I recently ordered. Steve -- who keeps striking out on fastballs

doc love's answer Hi Steve, I think so-called "speed dating" is a tough row to hoe and here's why: you don't meet enough people. You're not getting enough numbers. Think about it. You have to shower and shave, which takes a half-hour; you have to drive to the event, which is another hour; you have to go through the dating service's whole process, which takes a certain amount of time; and then you have to drive back home. And after all of the three or four hours you've invested, you've met a total of 18 women, only one of whom is interested in you. By any method of calculation, it's not worth it. By contrast, on the Internet you'll "meet" hundreds of women just by looking through photographs, and you'll bypass all the face-to-face rejection. In fact, if a woman checks out your picture and decides "no," you don't even know you've been rejected, right? It's a much cleaner, easier and efficient method. So that's my opinion of speed dating. But speed dating does have its advantages...

speed dating has its pros On the other hand, the four-minute limitation of speed dating is not without its merits. Why? Because women arrive at their initial Interest Level evaluation within four minutes of meeting you . So at least you're not wasting a whole lot of time determining that. (Then again, you're still only meeting 18 women.) One match out of 18, in your case, means that about 6% of women dig you. That's why you have to meet at least a couple of hundred to increase your chances of getting that one good one. With speed matching, you're simply not meeting them fast enough, nor are you getting the volume. Now, on to the specifics of your case. You complain that the unattractive ones always pick you out of the love lineup. Jeez, Steve -- don't you get it? The least attractive females go for everybody . As my cousin "Fast Eddie Love" would say, "The doggies will take a walk with anybody ." But if she's not physically attracted to you , Steve, it's not working for her either, don't forget. So this cuts both ways.

examine your goofs In your e-mail, your main concern is what you're doing wrong. Well, like I always tell you guys, you have to be a love cop on "Love & Order." You have to dissect the situation like the

detectives do in the first half-hour of Law & Order when they're trying to get the skinny on what's going on. And that means you have to ask yourself the hard questions. Steve, you have three possible problems. Let's deal with them one by one...

your three mistakes 1- You're not physically attractive to anybody. Do you stand up straight when you walk? Were you the best-dressed guy there? Do you have a beer belly hanging over your belt? Do you look like you're in shape? Go and check yourself out in the mirror. 2- You're physically attractive to some, but what you're saying isn't going over. In other words, your pitch isn't working. Here's a suggestion: The next time you're at a speed-dating event and a woman is sitting in front of you, you're going to say: "Tell me what you like about yourself." Or "Have you ever met a guy who was a Challenge?" Then you'll play off that question. If she says "yes" to the latter question for instance, but adds that she thinks it's nothing but game playing, ask her why. (And you must have a big smirk on your face when you're saying this.) Then ask, "When do you think a guy should call you -- 10 minutes after he gets your number? What if he waited a week -- would that bother you?" You'll find out then and there where she stands on Challenge and whether she's a control freak. In other words, you're going to interview this girl, and you're going to control the interview by ramming "The System" down her throat. At the same time you'll be showing this babe that you understand women. And you're going to do it all in four minutes. So basically you have to change your whole sales pitch, dude. 3- You're not talking about the right things in the right manner and the right tone. Most women think you don't have any personality. Steve, are you making these ladies laugh? Are you keeping it light and positive and showing your sense of humor? Lucky for you that "The System" is on its way to your place right now. It contains everything you'll ever need to know about how to deal with women. Once you memorize my principles, your anemic one out of 18 rate is going to go up to three or four out of 18. Remember guys; if you're not making out, there's a reason for it.

Can Lying Make Her Interest Level Drop? Hey Doc, I'm a 37-year-old guy who was introduced to a 25-year-old woman I'll call Meryl. We began

to date and hit if off quite nicely. When we started going out, I told her that I was 35 instead of my real age, just to shave off a couple of years and bring our ages closer together. Big mistake. But she said at the time that she didn't care about the age difference and we ended up dating for over a year.

she found out i lied Well, you can almost guess what happened. She found out my true age (from a health insurance form I was filling out and stupidly left on my kitchen table) and then immediately broke off our relationship. I found this completely bewildering, since I didn't think anything of those two years. In fact, the breakup happened so fast that I didn't have the chance to even state my case in the hope she would understand that I lied in order to date her. What I don't understand is that just one week prior to this disaster, we were making vacation plans and she was very excited about them. The following week -- after finding out my true age -- she tells me she isn't happy anymore and wants out of the relationship. I was stunned! Can someone really change so quickly? Can someone swear that I was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and then break up a week later? I'm perplexed. I am trying to move on, but I have to admit I'm still deeply disturbed by what happened with Meryl. I'd appreciate your insight into the situation. Lewis -- who can't figure out how he blew it over something so small

doc love's answer Hi Lewis, Jeez, if you weren't such a fraud, I'd feel bad for you, dude. You went to all kinds of trouble for nothing. As you would've learned from "The System," all you had to say when Meryl asked your age at the very beginning was, "106, but when I'm around you, sweetheart, I feel all of 25!" And then you should have smiled at her suavely, just like Cary Grant, and let the whole issue drop into the no-fly zone. You would have saved yourself lots of anguish down the road. Now think about it. This whole mess really should have been a non -issue. As Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If you dig her and she digs you, a 12-year age difference ain't so bad." The reality is that uncounted relationships have survived an age gap that makes yours with Meryl seem like a mere bag of shells.

It's not about your age difference at all, Lewis... Remember Charlie and Oona Chaplin? He was doddering into his mid-50s and she hadn't hit 20 when they got together. By all accounts the marriage was blissfully happy until he kicked the bucket. Or how about Warren Beatty and Annette Bening? Or to reverse things, Ashton and Demi? Or Mira and her new 22-year-old husband?

meryl's full of it But this is the part I don't like. Here Meryl knows that you're 10 years older than her, and she's still going out with you . What does that say about her Integrity ? That makes her a bit of a liar herself when she busted you on your age difference later, right? But you went ahead and left the evidence of your little white lie lying on the kitchen table anyway. As General Love says, "Never leave ammunition out -- ever! Because you can bet it's going to be used on you!" Her quick fade tells us that she has a new boyfriend -- you just didn't know it. She was just waiting for an excuse to get out and you gave it to her, pal. I always tell you guys in "The System" that you have to be like detectives on Love and Order. This is grade-A evidence, my friend.

no woman likes a liar Nevertheless, there's a bigger issue involved here. Over half the women I've interviewed in my career have said that what they didn't want most of all in a man was a liar . What they're looking for is trust . They want to bond with you, and for that they need someone who is trustworthy . So when you tell a babe something, it has to match the facts. And that's basically why Meryl's splitting now. Because when you told a lie, her Interest Level plummeted to somewhere between 40% to 49%. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love puts it, "At that point a woman will stay with you, but she don't dig you anymore!" She's just waiting for the right turkey to happen along so she can deep-six you. When you two were making vacation plans, Meryl's Interest Level was 95%. Usually when guys screw up, it drops gradually -- to 93%, then 89%, then 76%, etc. But in your case, when you told a big, fat lie, you pushed it from 95% to 45% in a hurry, and you were out -- out of love, that is.

you were a fraud So the answer to your question is sure, women can change quickly, and they do. If she has any values whatsoever and realizes that she's going out with a fraud , she gets rid of him -- fast! Your problem, Lewis, is that you don't understand the power of the English language. Women are looking for basic trust from the very beginning. And they're going to match up every word with every action. Ask Hugh Grant to tell you about how that works! He told the gorgeous Miss Hurley that he was "eating sushi" the night he got caught by the cops with his pants down! To you Psych majors, if you can't stand the heat, don't stand on the Weber grill. This warning applies to anything personal about yourself. And that's why I tell you guys to throw something back in her face like Jim Carrey would and make her laugh. Just don't tell her your true age. Like I said, it should never have been an issue to begin with. But unfortunately for you, you've got a big mouth -- like most men. Remember guys; if you're going to tell her a whopper, make sure she can never bust you on it.

Does Interest Level Depend On Beauty? Hey Doc, I'm an avid reader of "The System." Your fundamentals have allowed me to court a number of different women that I would never have had a chance with before. Now I feel like a dating superman. I can't believe how well women respond to this stuff! It's amazing, thank you! About six months ago, I met Shelby, the girl of my dreams (well, on the inside , at least). For months I kept our relationship at the "friendship" level. Finally I decided to give a romantic relationship with Shelby a try. Her Interest Level in me is at least 90%, she has a great Attitude, we have a mountain of things in common, and she is a total Giver (she could be the "Giver" poster girl!).

there's a catch But here's the problem: her looks. There are many guys who would find Shelby attractive, but I'm not totally knocked out by her. She is not my dream girl on the outside . Sure, I could just move on and try to find a woman who does have everything I want, but the chances of finding a hot-looking one who is unstructured, has 90% Interest Level in me, shares my faith and all of my interests, and is a Giver seem pretty darn slim.

In all those areas my Interest Level in Shelby is at least 95%. In the looks department, though, my Interest Level in her is only in the 60s. I love this girl dearly, but it's difficult when we go out. It always seems some Beautiful Woman is catching my eye and then I feel very sad that I am with someone who does not turn my head in that way. So the question of the hour is this. What is truly more important: looks, or your "big three" (Giver, Interest Level, unstructured personality)? Should I just forget about the fact that she is not my ideal of perfection and stay with her because of her other qualities, or should I move on and try to find someone who I find very physically attractive? The answer may seem obvious to some, but I am lost! Help! Wallace -- who wishes he were dating Julia Roberts

doc love's answer Hi Wallace, Here's your problem in a nutshell. You want a B+ and you got a C+. That bothers you. So what do you do? Do you throw all those good qualities out the window because Shelby's not perfect? Or do you challenge yourself and say, "Why do I really need somebody better looking?" Shelby's attractive, right? She might not be an A, but she's attractive enough when she gets slicked up. So what's the problem? Wallace wants the impossible dream...

it's all about options Let me draw you a little illustration here, guy. Let's pretend you're on a sea cruise and the ship goes down, and you and Shelby, the only survivors, swim to shore, which happens to be a desert island. You'd sure as heck want to be with her then, and within six months she'd be the most beautiful girl in the world because, of course, there aren't any other girls around. But when you go to the beach or the pool, or you go downtown and see those dream babes coming out of the stores and offices, your mouth drops open and the drool drips out. The problem is that you know nothing about what's inside that "10." You don't know whether she's had more guys than J.Lo, Madonna and Julia Roberts combined, how many abortions she's had, or how much cocaine she's done in her life. You don't know how insecure she is or whether her father was a jerk (and, sorry to say, she's going to treat you the same way he treated her). There are a couple of things going on here, dude. One, the old story of the grass always being greener elsewhere. Two, the fantasies and demands of the male ego. Look in the mirror. Are you all grown up? Or are you a good-looking 36-year-old who looks 28 and who's never

grown up because he's never had to carry on a conversation? You'd better appreciate what Shelby has on the inside, because if she has everything you say she has, then she's a definite keeper . And remember -- you know nothing about all those other Scarlett Johanssons, and most of them are trouble . Bet on it.

i sense a red flag There is something that bothers me in your letter, though. You had to talk yourself into digging Shelby, pal. Some guys have this problem. I tell you guys in my Dating Dictionary to only fall in love with somebody who loves you, but you're not loving this girl back and that's why you didn't go out with her for months. And that's a good reason to get rid of her. "The System" says you go right after a girl once she's gone over you. If that opportunity slips by, it's over and everything's changed. There's a different karma involved once the moment has passed. That's why you have to close when she falls in love with you. To you Psych majors: Close, close, close. I mentioned your problem to my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love, and he said that if you're not satisfied with Shelby's looks, "Just give her a nip and a tuck -- if you're rich!" And of course that's another way to look at it. Because you're absolutely right, Wallace: finding all Shelby's sterling qualities in a woman who looks like Nicole Kidman would be like hitting the moon with the rock from a slingshot. Let me tell you something, buddy: if you were dating that Beautiful Woman, you would get to know her true personality, and by then if she wasn't a Giver and Flexible and unstructured, she wouldn't look so pretty anymore. She'd turn downright ugly. The Victoria's Secret model would go from an A to an F -- because you'd know the real her. Remember guys; if she doesn't pass the Physical Attraction Test, don't try to force yourself to like her.

Why Do Women Love Rock Stars? Hey Doc, I've read "The System" several times and am a true believer in what you teach. Not that you need any help with weekly articles, but I thought a good subject might be an expansion of the concept of the "rock star" and the "guys in the band" that you include in your Dating Dictionary. Why is it that these guys can dress sloppy, break all the rules, show no respect for anyone or

anything, and yet end up scoring the best-looking babes left and right? What is it about the "rock star" that creates such an instant high Interest Level in women? And are those women usually Flexible Givers, or are they just Mercenaries?

are they challenges? I would suppose that a large part of the whole mystique of this type of guy is the instant Challenge that famous people bring with them and the fact that Kitty Kats Kompete over them because they draw huge crowds. But I don't want to second-guess the Doc since I'm just a student! At any rate, we know their names: from Keith Richards to Tommy Lee, these guys snag the hottest girls without even trying. Always have, always will.

here's my story Finally, Doc, I have to confess that I've been personally burned, which accounts for my interest in this phenomenon. Like an idiot -- or should I say Wimpus Americanus -- I courted Erica for a whole year, including escorting her to fancy restaurants and buying her expensive jewelry, only to watch her take off like a giddy schoolgirl over some grungy loser in a crappy band here in Chicago where we live. In my mind I saw her as a classy woman, but in the end she was nothing but a groupie. Doc, it was a sobering experience, to say the least. Anyway, any insight would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure there are other guys out here who, like me, want to know your thoughts on this. Thanks. Martin -- who wishes he had the magic himself

doc love's answer Hi Martin, There's a simple reason why the guys in the band score the way they do: they play the guitar to 80,000 people. Women are suckers for that kind of power. The fact that a rock star can control a huge audience is the biggest aphrodisiac of all. How long can a rock star keep a woman? On the other hand, that allure doesn't guarantee a long-lasting relationship. And that's what "The System" is about -- not an instant score because you strum a Fender Telecaster in front of a ton of screaming fanatics.

it's fame, dude You want to know what creates instantaneous high Interest Level in women? Celebrity , dude. When you have celebrity, you automatically have power. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "When she sees your mug on TV, it's a huge turn-on, baby!" Not only that, but pussycat is thinking about all the other pussycats who are after you and that turns her on even more -- so you're on the money there, Martin. You could even have low self-esteem and be as shy as a wallflower on the inside (think about all the stars who can't function without junk and booze), but when it comes to tickling the guitar strings, you're the greatest in the world.

these women give temporarily Actually, the chippies who chase after the grunge guitar boys are going to be Flexible Givers at least temporarily because, at first, they're only happy to be basking in the light of the star's celebrity wattage. But if she's not a Flexible Giver at heart, eventually she'll revert to whatever she was. Because what happens when you live with someone month after month, year after year, is that the real you finally comes out. Of course it's always possible that these women are Mercenaries, but on the whole these females are generally more interested in the reflected fame . That's the name of the game here. (Not that it's so terrible lying poolside at the rock star's $12 million mansion in Beverly Hills watching the smog hover over L.A.)

stars don't need the system You mention that these guys score without even trying and you're on the mark there, too, buddy. You think Kid Rock has to wait a week to call a girl? He just says, "Climb in!" after the show and before he knows it, she's all over him in the backseat of the limo. It's just that quick -- he has that kind of magnetism going for him. (Of course if I were a girl, I'd think the poor guy needed a hot bath and a barber!) But is this the kind of woman you really want? But Martin, you have to ask yourself what kind of girl this is. Is this a well-balanced, rational, self-reliant human being? Or nothing more than a hanger-on -- a leech who wants to get close to the star power without having to work for it herself?

they can't keep 'em

Guys like Tommy Lee may get the Pamela Andersons and Heather Locklears, but they don't keep them. And if they do, they're only going to keep one of them, which means all the others are going to be out looking for other guys. No matter what, you should have read Erica quicker. If you would have memorized "The System," you would have cracked the real Erica a lot faster, and that's the whole idea. My program is an efficiency program that allows you to cut to the truth fast. I don't want you wasting valuable, irreplaceable time on a worthless groupie who appears to be classy on the outside. My techniques encourage you to talk to a girl -- really talk to her -so that you can get to know what makes her tick. When certain important subjects come up, you'll delve into them. You'll ask, "Gee, what kind of guys do you dig?" And if she answers, "Well, I dig a filthy guy with long greasy hair who plays the guitar," you're out of there! Let's dig up that information in the first couple of weeks -- not after 12 months!

don't waste your money You know how wrong it is to take them to fancy restaurants and buy them expensive jewelry if you're acquainted with my principles, so I don't have to go into that. Hey, the rock star doesn't buy his women anything . And he doesn't need to.

you can be a star, too Most people think there are only two types of guy in the world: the Wimp and the Macho Boy. But there's a third type, and he's a lot like Cary Grant. He's got manners and class, but he's not going one step out of his way to chase a woman. This is the guy you want to be. You want to be a positive challenge. Guys who are disrespectful to women are negative challenges, and I never want a man to be disrespectful, in spite of what the Feministas would like to have you believe about "The System." Remember guys; if you don't memorize my book, you'd better be as good on the guitar as Santana, or forget women.

Is Instant Messaging Anti-Challenge? Hey Doc, I'm a huge fan of your techniques and have already applied a great many of them to my advantage. But I do have a question. I know that you said in "The System" that talking on the

telephone is a no-no in the dating game. But does the same rule apply to instant messaging? I've been dating Cassandra off and on (at my discretion, let me hasten to add) for more than a year now. She apparently has high Interest Level in me because she's always asking me out on dates or asking me to call her. I usually don't because it's a long-distance call and it costs too much money to waste on simply chatting. Now here's my problem: instead of spending time on the telephone with Cassandra, we go online with each other. And when we do, I can't help talking and talking and talking. I actually feel more comfortable talking to her online than in person, which might say something about our relationship. But no matter how interesting the things I "say" might be, I seem to only get brief responses from Cassandra -- "Yeah" and "Oh" and that sort of thing -- and I don't hear from her again for up to a week. I thought this form of communication could loosen both Cassandra and me up and create a stronger bond, but so far I don't think it's happening. Am I wrong to instant message Cassandra? Is instant messaging just another form of antiChallenge? Thanks in advance for your valuable insight. Maybe you can help me decide whether to take my relationship with Cassandra to another level or let it die. Ben -- who wants to know if he should be using fewer keystrokes

doc love's answer Hi Ben, You say you've read "The System," but when I looked over your letter it seemed obvious to me that you skipped a bunch of chapters! Basically you're asking whether talking on the telephone is equivalent to instant messaging. Now think about it, pal. When I tell you to disappear , when I tell you she loves mystery , when I tell you there should be no contact , do you think that applies only to the telephone? Disappear means disappear ! Create some sense of mystery! Create some Challenge ! The real problem behind Ben's mistake...

are you really into her?

You tell me that you've been dating Cassandra for more than a year. Let me ask you a question, Ben. What are you holding on for? Why don't you just cut Cassandra loose? Why waste the girl's time? It's as obvious as J.Lo's assets that you don't really dig this girl. Face the facts, dude. If you don't even want to spare the scratch to phone this babe, then she can't mean that much to you. (The last time I looked, the long-distance carriers were practically killing each other over who could offer the lowest price to Norway! Maybe you should get a night job, Ben!) Nevertheless, you say that you blab, blab, blab to Cassandra when you get on the computer. Like most guys, you pour your heart out, you spill your guts, you kill off any semblance of mystery. No wonder your romance is stuck in permanent neutral. You're as far from being a Challenge as Kirstie Alley is from dropping 55 pounds. Cassandra's responses when you instant message are "Yeah" and "Oh"? Now what do you figure that translates to in Womanese? Does it mean she has high Interest Level in you? I think not, Ben. If she asks you out on dates, it's only because she's lonelier than you are, that's all. I don't mind her "Yeah-ing" and "Oh-ing" so much (though it does indicate that she's about as interested in you as George Clooney is in being married). What bothers me is that you keep coming back for another beating when she does her impersonation of a wall. Or as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Let's bury this thing another 20 feet deeper!"

i know the secret Guy, there are 10,000 so-called love doctors out there, and I'm the only one who understands - and says -- that Challenge constitutes one-third of your troops in the War of Love. That's the biggest trick -- and weapon -- we have: Challenge . Everybody knows you need Confidence and Self-Control. Be a gentleman, make 'em laugh, be neat and clean and well-groomed -- everybody knows that, too. But what I say that's different from the other fakers and phonies is, get off your knees and don't beg . If you don't believe me, go watch Oprah ! Your final question is whether or not instant messaging is one more example of antiChallenge. Answer: Absolutely. Positively. 100%! Bingo! Bull's-eye! Right now the ER is estimating that chances are only one in five that your romance with Cassandra is going to make it. But the more important point is this: you have to study . You just can't read "The System" once and expect to get it. You have to apply yourself and do everything I tell you to do. My regimen is like the training involved with becoming an army ranger. You're going to have to be disciplined. You're going to have to get tough, or else you'll revert to your old, pathetic, loser ways.

So Ben, I'd suggest that you take that keyboard of yours, open the window and toss it out, and listen to it as it bangs and crunches and bounces down the steps. Remember guys; when I say disappear, that means disappear !

Do All Men Need Prenups? Hey Doc, I'm writing to thank you for your hard work and "The System." It's intriguing material that is dead-on . I can now evaluate my friends' relationships and see exactly what's wrong or whether the woman even likes them at all. It's amazing. Doc, I have a great girlfriend, Lisa. Thanks to you, I realized just how special someone like her is. I almost blew it because I thought there were women like her all over the place. I know much better now. She is a Giver, loves me very much, is very sweet, normal and kind, and will be a wonderful mother someday. She's all the things a guy could and should ask for in a woman.

now, for the prenup We are going to be married in the next year or so, and I wanted to ask you what you thought of prenuptial agreements. The only reason I would want one is to protect a possible large sum of money that I have the potential to make. I have spent the last seven years of my life chasing a dream and working harder than most guys will ever work in their lives and it's finally paying off. To have someone take that away from me just because they were married to me and signed some papers doesn't seem right. Of course if I have children with her, which I'm sure we will someday, I think it's my duty to pay child support and take care of her (especially if she was a stay-at-home mom). However, it should be a reasonable amount.

women get cash for nothing It seems that in this country today, wives are getting huge settlements for basically no reason. Or they'll get child support of 20K a month. Things like this don't make sense. No person needs that sort of money. I don't expect to ever need a prenup, but of course, nobody ever does. What do you think I should do?

I appreciate your help and guidance, and all the time you've put into your philosophy. It's really stupendous stuff. Thanks a lot! Tayshaun -- who wants to know if he should protect himself just in case

doc love's answer Hi Tayshaun, Your testament on Lisa is a very heavy thing. Congratulations. Because I pointed out to you in my "Dating Dictionary" what qualities a woman should have, you came to the realization of how special she is. You studied the information in "The System," you internalized it, you saw certain wonderful characteristics in Lisa, and all of a sudden you asked yourself, "How does Doc Love know my girlfriend?" Good women are hard to find, so hold on...

good women are hard to find But I sure do, pal. Recognizing a great woman when you find her is a major point we rarely talk about. Without utilizing my rules as a guide, many guys don't realize how great their girlfriends are, and on the other side of the coin, many guys put up with too much crap. But we never look at the other side of the coin -- because Oprah wouldn't allow it. Now I'll be the first to tell you that someone swiping your money isn't right. But remember; as Sal "The Fish" Love says, "When you get married, it's not just you and her. It's you and her and the government ." And the government, on account of its skittish political correctness, favors the woman in the vast majority of divorce cases. You should be concerned, Tayshaun, because the government is most likely going to be on her side when it comes time to dissolve your union. You have to worry that, if all of a sudden, her Interest Level goes south of 50%, you're out -or worse, she'll stay with you and bleed you to death.

angry women aren't reasonable It's funny how, when a woman's Interest Level is 95%, the word "reasonable" equals $0 alimony per month. But if her Interest Level goes down the tubes and she becomes "unreasonable," she's going to hit you up like one of Johnny Carson's exes.

You can just hear her now: "You think 20 grand a month is excessive ? Honey, you haven't bought many diapers lately! Get yourself down to the pharmacy!" (Meanwhile, she's dropping $400 a month getting her nails done!)

even the donald is scared Let me tell you a little story. The other day, I caught Donald Trump in a TV interview. Standing next to him was his fiance, a stunningly beautiful ex-model who's slated to be wife No. 3, and the guy with the mic asks, "Mr. Trump, what's your biggest fear in life?" The Donald should have said something like, "Losing my casinos in Atlantic City." But instead he comes out with something like, "I wonder if this girl I'm about to marry really likes me or not." It reminded me of John Stamos, just prior to splitting up from his gorgeous wife, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, telling the cameras how she's a bona fide movie star and he's just selling telephone minutes in TV land. As you students of mine know, talking about your insecurities lowers Interest Level . Trump needs a prenup. He doesn't even know if this girl "likes" him or not and he's nervous enough to talk about it -- in public! He would never have said that if she really loved him... If she did love him 100% and he knew it, that sentence would never have crossed his lips in front of the cameras and mics. (And don't forget, here's a guy who's got a killer TV show, owns huge buildings with $10 million condos, casinos and all the rest of it, and he can't hold on to a woman -- in fact, he's about to go down for the count for a third time.) Yeah, Trump needs a prenup all right -- because he doesn't have a clue.

so what's an average guy to do? But let's get back to you -- Joe Average. What about Joe Average? My philosophy is this: You go out with a woman and for the first two months you're looking strictly at her Interest Level. You have to get it into the 90s and keep it there. For the next 22 months, you're going to see her two or three times a week and you're going to keep an eye on her Attitude, her scars, and all the negative baggage she brings into the relationship. When you're wearing Doc Love's glasses instead of your own, you'll be able to spot all the bad stuff -- and a lot sooner. But you'll also see her good qualities. And if she's a keeper, guess what? Your B is now going to be a B+. Because when women have a good Attitude, guys, they get prettier. (Not uglier, like Trump's exes grow in his eyes when it all goes sour.) And that's the point.

do you need a prenup? Now, buddy, you say you're going to earn all this dough. And you've been with Lisa for two years, and she's straight, she's got Integrity, she's a good person. Given that scenario, you're insulting the girl with a prenup. You're telling her that you don't have enough trust in her to go into this without a written agreement and that she doesn't love you enough, so she has to sign this thing. If I were you, I'd pass on it. On the other hand, if your upcoming marriage makes you jittery, there might be something going on that you have to look at -- closely. Either you're insecure about it for reasons of your own, or she's giving you a vibe that you can't quite read, but you're getting a funny feeling. Think about it. Remember guys; if you go by "The System," you know she'll stay forever, and because she'll stay forever, you won't need that prenup.

Do You Stand A Chance With A Barmaid? Hey Doc, It's been two weeks since I discovered AskMen.com and purchased "The System." I've already read it from cover to cover three times, and I'm so thankful for every last drop of ink in it. I feel like the sun is starting to shine after 28 years of a dark, cold night where I was repeatedly shaken down by women in the Battle of the Sexes. If I'd found you when I was 20, I would have saved myself at least $30,000 that I threw away on women who weren't worth a red cent.

i still need more info Of all the women in my life right now, my Interest Level is highest in the hairstylist I got to know yesterday during my haircut. Her name is Devon and she's quite attractive and very friendly. After talking with her for just 45 minutes, I knew I wanted to get to know her better - a lot better. What is the best course of action here? Should I ask for her home phone number immediately to gauge her Interest Level, or continue to get to know her first at future haircut appointments? (The danger here, of course, is that she might suddenly move to another salon or something, and then I'd lose contact with her altogether.)

I've been faced with similar circumstances in the past with waitresses and barmaids, and have always found that the transition from the client-server relationship to the man-woman relationship is rocky due to the possibility that she's only being friendly because it's her job -and because she wants a bigger tip. Then, too, you don't want to put her in a bad position by pressuring her at her place of business in the event that she has no real interest in you. Thanks again, Doc, for any tips. You're amazing. Alex -- who is waking up at last to the truth

doc love's answer Hi Alex, You're right about one thing -- it is a Battle of the Sexes out there. What nobody ever talks about is the fact that there's a power struggle inherent in romantic relationships. That point is never going to be addressed by the great female love doctors. Their advice will always be the same: "Oh, just wear your heart on your sleeve!" "Don't forget to bring her lots of gifts!" "Call her up every five minutes and tell her how great she is!" "You've got to let her know how much you love her!" Are these love doctors for real? Get the truth right here... Obviously we know that that's not the way to go. It doesn't work, and it never will. What clinically sane women really want is not a pushover -- i.e. Wimpus Americanus -- but mystery, charm and Challenge. As General Love says, "You have to be able to hold your own in that war out there or you're coming home in a body bag!" And by the way, although it's too late to get your 30 grand back, discovering my principles saved your sanity!

the client-server relationship The rule when meeting women is that you always ask for the home phone number off the bat. But there are certain times when you don't ; the client-server situation happens to be one of them. And assuming you like the haircut Devon gives, you should just keep visiting her and talking to her, but the idea is to make her laugh. After getting closer and closer through small talk and banter, you're going to ask her, "Know

what my hobby is?" And when she replies, "No, what?" you'll say, "I'm trying to figure out what women like. For instance, tell me about the things that you wish you could change about your boyfriend." Now this is a set-up question. It's a side shot, because in this type of scenario you never go directly in for the kill. She'll answer something like, "You know, I've been going out with John for three years now and he never lets me have any breathing space!"

plant the seeds of attraction You gradually become buddy-buddy and she's telling you about her private life, but she hasn't gotten rid of John. Until John is gone, why would you ask for the home phone number? (Incidentally, guys, when a stylist moves to another salon, she usually takes her clients with her or leaves a number where she can be reached. It's not like you can't get a hold of her, so don't worry.) The point is that you want to get into her head romantically as soon as you can . Hopefully her boyfriend is in the 40 to 49 percentile of Interest Level -- in the sink, in other words, circling into the drain. And there's your opening.

you're part of the work Alex, sorry to disappoint you, but it's not just a possibility, it's 98% probable that Devon -- or any other server for that matter -- is only being nice to you, the client, because it's her job to do so. When I told my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love that the honey at the barbershop said I had great hair, he laughed. "They tell everybody that -- even Vin Diesel!" So yes, you don't want to pressure her directly. You want to subtly undermine her boyfriend, without her even knowing that you're doing it. You're trying to plant seeds in this babe's head so she starts thinking, "Yeah, John is a big turkey! And this Alex guy is really interesting." Remember guys; you always want to close on the spot unless you know you're going to see her on a continuous basis.

Can You Help Out The Whipped Guys? Hey Doc, I've been a student of "The System" for a couple of years now and the results are great! Not only do I get a better all-around reaction from women, my status among my peers and coworkers has risen as a result of living by your principles.

there's this sucker, see But Doc, here's one problem I don't know how to lick. How can I get other guys to follow your path? In particular, there's one "nice guy" in my life who has always gotten the short end of the stick in his primary relationship. It kills me to see him take a pounding from his wife, but I don't know how to get him to stand up for himself. The real sensitive issue here is that the guy in question happens to be my dad! I grew up in a house where my mom pretty much wore (and still wears) the pants. My dad is the nicest guy in the world, works hard, and was always there to provide for all of us, but when mom says jump, he asks, "How high?" She gets her way with him all the time -- and with everything from sending the poor shlump on tons of ridiculous errands to convincing him to buy old houses and fix them up for her (jobs that take years). Meanwhile she spends most of her life sitting on the couch watching TV and complaining.

my mom's a dictator Now I don't want to bash my mother, but it's obvious that she's in control of their relationship and I'd just like to see my dad respect himself more. Personally, I don't let anybody -- inside or outside of my family -- push me around. I'm a successful artist (I play guitar for a happening rock band) so I've got no problem getting tons of girls (thanks to you, Doc!), but nothing's rubbing off on the other guys in my family. Something tells me it wouldn't be prudent to just toss "The System" at my dad, so I don't know what to do. Anyway, I just figured I'd throw this your way to hear your thoughts on it. I can't remember that you've ever addressed this specific dilemma before. Thanks in advance. Paul -- who's ecstatic the apple fell so far from the tree

doc love's answer Hi Paul, Yes, pal; isn't it amazing how teaching you to acquire confidence with women does apply to other aspects of your life? I've had many, many guys call me over the years and testify that using my dating techniques has carried over into their businesses and resulted in their becoming more successful businessmen. And do you know why? Because my principles are

universal truths. You can't make him change... But now here's the sad part, dude. You can't force other guys to follow "The System." As Brother Love says, "No amount of arm-twisting will make a man see the light!" He has to come to you, and he has to beg for help. So I don't want you knocking on doors like the church folks and missionaries. I appreciate your appeal for help, but the truth is this: a guy has to be in a lot of pain before he sets his ego aside, I'm sorry to say.

can't undo a 35-year-old whip Think about it. You're going to all of a sudden get your dad to stand up to his wife after she's used him as a doormat for 35 years? Come on, guy! He has to want to change. And your pops doesn't want to change. He's comfortable being a dog, and your mom likes being his master. Now if the balance of power were 50-50 between the two of them, her Interest Level would be higher and you wouldn't be witnessing this kind of tragedy. And this is what women don't understand. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "After she beats and tortures and then grinds you into the ground, for some reason she doesn't respect you and you're not as sexy anymore." Gee, I wonder why. Here's what you do: take your mother aside one of these days and ask, "Mom, why did you have to send dad back out for those saltines at 2 a.m. in the middle of a blizzard? We didn't need them. We could have waited for the next time you went to the market. Do you think it's loving to treat your husband, who's been such a good father to me all these years, like a jackass?" You'd never see something like that happen on Oprah !

enter wimpus americanus Paul, your mom is in control because your father is a classic weakling -- Wimpus Americanus -- and he never stood up to her when they dated, and that's the problem here. (Incidentally, I just can't believe that all your mom does is sit around watching TV and complaining! I'm shocked! Not in America! Not in the typical happy home!) Let me tell you something. I could mail my books to 100 guys and 50 of them wouldn't even bother to open it, let alone read it. Even if they got "The System" for free, they just wouldn't come to grips with it. They'll get dumped over and over by girls, they'll be dominated by their women, they'll go through second, third and fourth divorces, but even then they won't want to change.

They're contented the way they are. Like I said, a guy has to really want to change. You wanted to change, and that's what makes your story so great, man. That's what keeps you on top of your game.

your dad has to want it I know you feel badly for your father, but forget about saving the world, buddy. It's enough to save yourself. Instead, when a guy's dying for life-saving information, step in and help him out. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut and just keep observing, reading, and studying like you've been doing. Remember guys; unless he wants to change, you can't help him.

Should You Ever Apologize? Hey Doc, I've used "The System" for some time now and I have found that it works in many forms of life's relationships, not just in dating and love. Please keep spreading the word. I met my wife-to-be, Keira, through an Internet dating service. She had a degree of interest in me that was through the roof. We dated, became a couple, and she rented a place near mine about 70 miles away from her friends and family, transferred her children to another school and changed her job to be near me. We've made a date to get married within the next six months. She says "I love you" five or six times to my once, is giving and affectionate in public as well as when we're at her place or mine, initiates romance, wants to take me out on dates, etc. So why am I writing to you? Doc, I've been a jerk! There I was, practicing your laws, giving Keira affection and respect, all the while remaining a Challenge. But I've slipped and a few serious arguments have ensued. In a nutshell, I got lazy and took things for granted.

i got too comfortable I operate a business out of my home so I don't need to dress for the office. According to Keira, I have not taken care of my appearance and have spent more time working on my boat than on the house. She complains that she works hard at her job and looking after both our places, and that she's dog-tired, while all I do is sit on my butt.

While brushing up on "The System," I've begun to realize that Keira's Interest Level might have declined beyond recovery. I would like to think this is not the case, but as you say yourself, sometimes the woman doesn't even realize herself when it's gone. Keira and I need to talk and resolve some issues. The question I have for you is this: Is it okay for me to be a man and admit to her that I have been neglecting things, and that I've been wrong and she's been right? I don't want to pour my heart out and get all sloppy, but rather tell her that I realize I have not been taking the necessary time to do the things that are important. Does it compromise me to apologize, Doc? I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing at a critical time. Help! Bryant -- who hopes it isn't too late

doc love's answer Hi Bryant, A hard fact of romantic life is that when a woman's Interest Level is 90%, there are no arguments over anything. And that's why you're starting to have those ugly spats with Keira -because that precious index of love is on the wane. You can almost hear the countdown: "80, 70, 60, 55, 52..." Is there any hope for Bryant? Check out Doc's prognosis...

it all ends with low interest level And Interest Level doesn't decline daily; it dips over weeks and months until, eventually, when your head is in the sand, you turn around and it's gone altogether -- finis . The very best piece of wisdom in the Bible is this: "Pride cometh before the fall." Bryant, you've got a great lady who's all over you and does everything right, so what the heck are you thinking? You're about to walk away from the values that captured her heart. Now what sense does that make? When you mention your crappy appearance that Keira has so much trouble with, what exactly do you mean? That you don't shave? That you have a belly that looks like you swallowed a whole watermelon? That you don't stay in the shower for at least 12 minutes? That you don't have five minutes to iron a shirt? Is your place a pigsty? What are you talking about here? How many hours do you spend on this yacht of yours?

how bad were you? You're giving me generalities. Give me some specifics. How many times have I told you guys that you have to be a love detective on Love and Order ? How many times have I said that

you have to present me with hard evidence in order to properly work a case? And by the way, man, how many hours a day are you slumped with your beer and Fritos in front of the TV set? Remember, as Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It's okay to be a couch potato, as long as the woman isn't around to see it!" You say that you fear Keira's Interest Level is lower than Governor McGreevey's political career. To you Psych majors, this means her romantic interest in you has traveled just south of the Mason-Dixon Line. It went from 51% to 49%, and as the Reality Factor says, once it hits the dreaded 49%, she'll stay with you for a while, but it's over and it's never coming back. Bryant, don't delude yourself into thinking that Keira isn't aware of her own dwindling Interest Level. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love puts it, "That's the point when women start having headaches." Better start watching out for those. (Again, to you Psych majors, women with high Interest Level never need Excedrin.)

resolve, don't talk Finally, you don't need to "talk" and "resolve things," dude. You have it only half right. You need to resolve things, but you don't need to talk . I don't know whether or not you're aware of this -- and I don't want the Feministas going crazy on me for saying it -- but you're wasting your time "talking it out" with a woman when you get into hot water. What you have to do is show her through your actions that the "new" you is here to stay and that he won't fade like a sputtering light bulb, like he did the last time. So what you're going to do here, Bryant, is tighten up your ship, let Keira fall back in love with you, and hopefully, if her Interest Level is 51% or higher, you'll bring it all the way back up into the 90s. But you're not going to wag your tongue. In the future, when you make a mistake, don't apologize verbally long after the fact. The only time you ever apologize to a woman is on the moment when you screw up. After that, it's too late. But if she does bring up your mistakes later, then it's okay to own up to them.

take care of yourself My advice to you is this, and it's what I tell all men: Keep your mouth shut. Show her what you mean through your actions. And if your place is a dump, if your car is a mess, if you're a walking Big Mac (by the way, guys, you should be hitting the gym three times a week whether or not you like women!), make the house spic and span, buy yourself a good vacuum cleaner, and make sure you look sharp. Remember guys; if you don't get sloppy, you won't have to worry about getting down on your knees and apologizing later.

Does Michael Douglas Worry That His Wife Will Cheat? Hey Doc, I'm sure you've seen the recent survey results in all the major newspapers and magazines, which show that women instead of men are increasingly seeking divorces, including when they're beyond the age of 40, and that they're straying out of their marriages more and more often when they're unhappy with their spouses. Quite frankly, the articles scared the crap out of me. We have enough to worry about when it comes to keeping women happy without having to be concerned about their loyalty in holy matrimony, right? A few ideas occurred to me regarding this topic, and I'm curious to know if you agree with them or not. 1- It seems like people expect the man to cheat and, if he does, it's his fault -- not the woman's. 2- If a woman cheats, it's the man 's fault because he's not meeting her needs. (Never is it stated that women drive men to infidelity by not meeting their needs.) 3- The women interviewed for these surveys seemed proud of cheating, but if the men were to act that way, they'd be crucified. Somehow, the whole thing doesn't seem fair -- know what I mean?

what's the cheating deal? I've never cheated on any woman myself and, thanks to "The System," I'm getting married soon to a wonderful, giving woman. But to tell you the truth, Doc, I sometimes wonder whether I'll be able to keep her satisfied and if she'll step out on me when she gets bored. How does a guy keep from getting caught off guard, married or not? Is there any way to know whether you've got a potential cheater on your hands, while you're still dating? I just wanted to get your opinion on this trend and maybe your thoughts in general. As always, thanks for the articles and "The System." I'll continue reading because I want to keep my fiance's Interest Level in the upper 90s. Phil -- who doesn't want to sleep with one eye open

doc love's answer

Hi Phil, It's amazing. I've been singing this very tune since 1985, and now everybody's finally catching up with me! The Feministas tell women that if they're miserable, they should get out of their marriages. By the way, the Feministas got into power in 1970 and, since then, the divorce rate has been 50%. So what's the big news story here? I was onto this phenomenon long before any fancy surveys were ever conducted. If only more guys knew what it takes to keep her faithful... But I'm glad those articles scared the crap out of you, Phil. I wish more of you would read those statistics because that's the problem with lots of men today -- they're not facing reality. Guys get married without proper preparation, think nothing of popping out a few kids, and when they end up being trapped with Psycho Cindy, they wonder what the heck happened to their lives. Believe me, I hear from them in droves. Here's how our conversation runs: "How long did you know her, Einstein?" "Well, we had a lot to drink the night we met, and we moved in after three weeks, and then I guess we got a little sloppy -- now we have three kids. Doc, how in the world did I get myself into this mess?"

it's your own fault Gee whiz, buddy, I don't know! But seriously, to you Psych majors, it's called bad choices . Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says: "Just because she's a party animal, doesn't mean she's going to be a great wife and a great mom!" And that's what my techniques are all about. They steer you in the right direction and guide you to the good choices. Until you learn to follow "The System," the problem is that you don't know how and who to date. You've all been brainwashed by the Feministas, your parents didn't raise you right and everybody has a huge ego! Other than that, I have a really good shot at helping you guys! Phil, here's the secret to this whole riddle. You don't have to worry about loyalty from your woman. If she's happy, she'll be loyal . Now, on to your points.

here's the way it is

1- Men are expected to cheat and it's their fault. This is part of the brainwashing our society -- especially the men -- is subjected to. Turn on Oprah if you don't believe me. She's the queen of the victims and she perpetuates this myth. Look at what she peddles. Check out the newspapers and magazines. All you see are stories about husbands murdering wives. They forget to tell you that one-third of the women who off their husbands don't go to jail! What about that side of the story? What about the men who are being raped in prison? Nothing, not a word do you hear! Why? Because the woman is the victim in America, and all men are bad by nature. The Feministas run things! Don't you guys get it? 2- If the woman cheats, it's because the man isn't meeting her needs. In America, only men have to take responsibility for their actions. Feministas believe in rights, but no responsibility. 3- Women are proud of their cheating. They're proud because they're wallowing in their resentment toward the poor slobs they're betraying. It's not fair, so here's how you even out the playing field... So dude, you think the whole thing isn't fair. Tell me about it! Here's something to think about. If it weren't for the Internet, you wouldn't even be able to send me your questions. My columns have been turned down by every major men's magazine in the country and by every newspaper in the five western states because the powers that be don't want to hear what I'm saying. I can't get arrested, and I'm the only one singing this song about the imbalance of power between the sexes in this country!

if she's bored, she'll cheat Phil, the bad news is that your fiance will indeed step out on you when she's bored. The good news is that she's never going to be bored because you adhere to my techniques, and that means there will always be a certain part of you, a tiny corner she doesn't know about, and that mystery, that Challenge, is what's going to keep her busy and intrigued for the rest of her life. And you're going to stay balanced with feet planted firmly on the ground. You're not going to put her on a pedestal no matter how much you love her. You're not going to sob on her skirt every time you see an ant (because ants scare you!), just because somebody instructed you to tell your woman all about your insecurities and fears since that's the crap she "loves" to hear. As for your last question, Phil, remember what Sal "The Fish" Love says: "There's no way of knowing if you've got a potential cheater on your hands. That's why you always have to sleep with one eye open."

Remember guys; if she knows you're a Challenge, and that you'll always be a Challenge, she'll never look at another guy.

Would Spielberg Let Kate Capshaw Go Sailing With Her Ex? Hey Doc, Many thanks for the great work that went into "The System." I have studied the book over the last few months and continue to review your columns on AskMen.com. As a result, I've had increased Confidence and success. I am tall, good-looking and well-educated. It's usually easy for me to start a dating relationship, but I end up being a wimp. Here's why I'm writing. I've been dating a cool woman, Alicia, for a month now. She lives 100 miles away, but we've spent each of the last three weekends together. I'd say her Interest Level is between 70% and 90%. She calls me, pays for things, and is constantly complimenting me, telling me I'm great and so forth. She scores well on Flexibility and Giving (I've changed plans at the last minute a few times and she hasn't complained, she's lent me money, she's a good tipper, etc.).

she wants to sail away Integrity's the potential problem. Several months before we started dating, Alicia was involved with a wandering sailor, who was apparently the first guy to satisfy her romantically. She made plans to go sailing with him in Australia in another month. She gained points for telling me about the guy, though I had to interpret some Womanese to get closer to the truth. I told her this past weekend that I want to be with someone who knows she wants to be with me, and that I have limited tolerance for this kind of thing, specifically because there was always another guy or two in the picture with my last girlfriend. She also said that she is feeling confused, and that she's not sure if she's going to go through with her plans. In a nutshell, I'm having a hard time deciding if I want to keep seeing Alicia for the next few weeks before she leaves, or if I should just let her go now, and tell her that she can call me when she gets it straight and wants to give a relationship with me an honest shot. I think that if I could keep practicing your techniques, a few weeks apart would be a good thing. On the other hand, I'm not sure I can keep my own Attitude, Confidence and Self-Control up with this other guy hanging in the background, in which case I should get out now.

a bumpy ride Alicia hasn't badgered me about it, though after our talk this past weekend, I made it clear that I didn't want to hear any more about other men in her life. Today, on the phone, she ended up briefly talking about her arrangements when she leaves. I told her I didn't want to talk about it

anymore and the call -- which had been light and bubbly -- ended on a bumpy note. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this one. Scott -- who wishes he'd laid down the law earlier Scott's a wimp, but will he lose his woman to the sailor? Find out...

doc love's answer Hi Scott, You said a mouthful in your first paragraph, pal. The wimp disease is the biggest problem in America today. Now you're not going to hear this on Oprah , but let me enlighten you on something: Women lose respect for guys, because as they date and he falls in love, the poor jerk goes along with everything she wants, trying to be a nice guy, until he turns out to be nothing but a needy, bend over backwards to please her wimp -- instead of a man. This is why the American female falls out of love so often and why you guys need me to straighten you out. That said, it's a no-brainer that you shouldn't be seeing this girl three weekends in a row. You're giving her way too much time -- too soon. You're already on the way to burning yourself out here, guy. I realize that it's hard to establish something with a hundred miles between you, but that's exactly why I tell you guys not to date anybody over 30 miles away . What distance does is kill the element of Challenge, because the only time you can see the girl is on weekends, or you have to make all those stupid phone calls to her during the week. You say that Alicia's Interest Level is somewhere between 70% to 90%? Well, which is it? There's a big gap between 70 and 90, buddy. That's simple arithmetic, if you made it out of the public school system in one piece. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "At 70% she's touching your arm three or four times on a date, and at 90% she's playing with your leg all night." See the difference?

you don't know her Sure, Alicia scores well on Flexibility and Giving -- because you've only had three dates! Britney Spears is great for three dates too, Scott. What's the average time you two spend together on a date -- four hours? Eight hours? And you're already giving away the store? You've canonized her the second coming of Mother Teresa? Like most men, Scott, let's rush into rejection! Integrity's not the potential problem here, dude. You're the potential problem -- for coming on too heavy . We'll find out about Alicia's Integrity later, but first we have to make sure she loves you after 60 days. Then we'll get into her personality, her hang-ups, and all the rest of

the garbage that comes with her. The sailor satisfied Alicia because he was wandering -- don't you get it? And why does she gain points by telling you that she's going to break your heart? That she's going to fly halfway around the world to be with another man? Have you considered a career in masochism?

it's your fault In the end, you brought this situation on yourself, Scott. You had a chance to knock Popeye out of the box, but you came on too heavy. You killed off any last vestige of mystery you might have had. When Alicia told you that she might not go through with her plans for Australia, I ran straight to my bookie and laid down a cool thousand bucks that she would go through with them. Instead of telling her to get back in touch when she makes up her mind, you could just disappear -- have you thought of that? Don't answer your phone. No e-mail, no e-messaging, nothing -- until she's at your door, pounding on it and crying to be let in. (This is after she gets back from her romantic trip, of course. Hopefully, she won't go, but we know she will, all right.) Remember guys; when you do everything right, you don't have to lay down the law.

Does Ben Affleck Fight Over His Date? Hey Doc, I wanted to relate to you an anecdote that shows how important it is to demonstrate SelfControl, which is one of your main teachings in "The System." Then I'll tell you my dilemma. There's a popular morning radio show in my town that interviews celebrities on a regular basis. The new traffic woman on this show is a total knockout and is engaged to a regular guy she knew before getting this high-profile job. There have been at least three occasions in the last month when a rock or movie star has hit on, flirted with or shown extreme interest in her. The male radio hosts get a kick out of this and call up her fianc to tell him all about it. Just today they did it again and his response was, "That's reaffirming to me. At least the guests on your show have good taste." More revealingly, his girlfriend's response was, "Thank you, I love you so much!" On the air! No wonder this guy has the girl. Time and time again, I see guys acting like prison guards and overreacting when other guys attempt to "hustle" their women. I thought this example might be a great reinforcement to

your new and loyal readers that the best way to handle the situation is to just act cool and, perhaps, even ignore it altogether.

enter: the other guy But now here's my situation. Recently I faced my first test with the beautiful young lady I'm dating. Walking through a bar, a guy looked at Ashlee while I was with her and said, "Cheers to you, gorgeous!" In the past I would have made a hostile remark to this guy or tried to punch him out. Instead, I whispered in her ear, "Now there's a guy with some great taste." The problem is that she squealed "Thanks!" to this jerk and kept looking over at him while we were having our drinks. I even had the feeling she might have liked to go over and talk to him, maybe to hear more compliments about herself. What do you think, Doc? How should I have handled this situation? Does this mean she was really interested in the guy, or was she just fooling around? Should I keep going out with her or dump her? Jackson -- who believes you need to be heard by all men

doc love's answer Hi Jackson, First of all, these radio hosts who work the traffic reporter's boyfriend over on a regular basis are real jerks. Like most DJs, they're nothing but classless lowlifes. It would have been amusing if they'd done it once, but they're pounding away at this guy for no reason except their own jealousy. And they're jealous because they've got the hots for this knockout, but they won't admit it and they can't win her over. Their egos are so big that they can't figure out why a regular guy -- and not them -- should have a "10" in love with them. So the regular guy is getting the last laugh here. Does Doc agree with Jackson? Find out...

self-control is key When you say it's no wonder he has the girl, you're exactly right -- it's no wonder at all. Because the traffic gal's boyfriend couldn't have said or done anything better than he did. It was a remarkable display of Self-Control on his part. Even if the celebrity or host deserved it, losing it could only have diminished him in the eyes of his girlfriend. Good for him. He's got a firm hold of Doc Love's "System." Macho Boy, on the other hand, would have snarled, "I'm gonna come right down there and wrap that microphone cord around your neck!" By the way, Jackson, the reason the Macho Boys act like prison guards is because, like Neanderthal men, they haven't figured out that their women can think for themselves. Plus the fact that they have no Self-Control whatsoever.

What you did with your Ashlee was great, but it would have been even better had you not said anything and waited to see what her reaction to the compliment was first. If she was obviously with you (and she was) when she thanked this player in the bar for noticing her, it was Womanese for "Hey, I like the new guy!" In fact, once she told him "Thanks," you were out. And here's another thing: her Interest Level in you wasn't all that high to begin with. Pal, you were actually taking out and spending your hard-earned dough on a girl who had no Interest Level in you -- or one that was well short of the 50-yard line.

you shoulda played her game When you had the feeling Ashlee wanted to talk to this other dude, you should have suggested just that to her. "He looks like a nice fellow. Why don't you go over there and rap with him?" Or you should have gotten up and asked another girl to dance if the bar had a dance floor -right in front of Ashlee. Because as General Love says, "Once it's over, it's war!" Ashlee didn't give a hoot for "compliments" from this other guy. She had instant Interest Level in him. That's why she was batting her eyes in his direction. If you had visited the men's room, she would have had her phone number deposited in the guy's hand within seconds. Actually, to answer your next question, she was both interested in him and fooling around. So the next time you go to a bar with Ashlee, be careful that you don't drink too much beer. You handled the situation fine, Jackson, except that you sat back, and like all the other turkeys she's dated, you took a beating from Ashlee -- and you didn't even know it was happening at the time. That's the difference between you and Ben Affleck. He wouldn't have taken the punishment. Before Ashlee knew it, Ben would have been on to the next girl. And that's why you're writing to me, buddy. Somewhere in your head, you can feel the bumps and bruises from the assault. But you don't have to worry about dumping Ashlee. She was dumping you when she responded to your barroom rival. Remember guys; if you really listen, she'll tell you when it's over.

Did Jane Fonda Listen To The Angels When She Dumped Ted Turner? Hey Doc, Last week, my girlfriend of one year decided to break up with me. After a romantic date, Sarah woke up the next morning and said, "In a moment of clarity, the angels told me that it is best we work out our own paths separately." Well, I was floored and asked for an explanation. She said that our spirituality is not the same and this would be a permanent barrier to intimacy. I'm still in shock. We rarely argued and got along well as a team, so well that people

often thought we were on our honeymoon when we were out together. Sarah is what many people refer to as "New Age," even though she was raised as a Jew. (I'm Catholic, by the way.) Her mom and sister are heavily into the New Age stuff, too. In fact, they've appeared on John Edward's psychic TV show. Sarah consults the angels for guidance, asks crystals life-changing questions, and believes that we are all continually moving toward a perfect state and that we can only do this through reincarnation and the search for truth. She believes that when we are sick, no matter what the disease, we are the ones who cause it and that the dead people in her life, such as her dad and felonious ex-boyfriend, contact her in life and in her sleep. (By the way, I know it sounds crazy, but Sarah is a public school math teacher and is very well-liked by my family and everyone she meets.)

we were a perfect match We were both matched perfectly, except for one thing -- I am not necessarily a cynical person, but my spirituality is much more grounded in the concrete, and is not quite so flamboyant or demonstrative as hers. We have a similar morality, and I have encouraged her beliefs and supported her. I have even done a few meditations and bought her crystals, but apparently she thought that I was not "spiritual enough," meaning that I don't believe in the stuff as much as she does. She says that she still loves me deeply and misses me, and that breaking up with me was the hardest decision she ever had to make. Doc, I'm heartbroken. I want to be with Sarah and I don't understand how she could give up an otherwise beautiful relationship. I have consulted my friends and they don't help much. They all agree that she is a great girl but think that she's "crazy," "delusional," "lost," or "quirky" for believing in the New Age crap. Should I just move on and forget about her? Should I try and ride it out? I truly accept Sarah as she is and would not change her one bit. Why would she listen to the cosmos and not her heart? William -- who feels lost in the stars

doc love's answer Hi William, I've got news for you, pal. You were out of this thing a long time before Sarah broke the news. Women don't drop you when their Interest Level hits 49%. They hang around for a little while to torture you some more. This girl decided you were out long before you heard all her spiritual hocus-pocus. Was William just fooled by a wacko or was it his fault he got dumped? Find out...

it was all a sham

By the way, William, if this young sister of Shirley MacLaine is so open and good and into the angels, why didn't she tell you that her Interest Level was heading south? If her whole gig is being up on this elevated, spiritual and open plane, why didn't she actually come out and say, "You know what you're doing? You're making me mama. You're spending way too much time with me. You're not a Challenge. We need a break." Where was all her honesty then? Why couldn't she cut you a break? Before you go and commit hari-kari over Sarah, that's something to think about. When Sarah revealed to you the secrets of the spirits, you should have gotten right down on your knees, made the sign of the cross, looked to the heavens and said, "Thank you, Lord, for pointing out the fact that I'm with a loony tune -- before we decided to spend the rest of our lives together in holy matrimony and had kids! Thank you, Lord! Because you should be ecstatic that you found out earlier rather than later, dude. And that's what I'm trying to teach you guys about dating: if you use the proper screening techniques, there won't be any surprises . Too many guys get surprised after they're married. If you don't believe me, just interview your buddies at work! William, women just don't drop guys. There had to be at least some turnoff signals prior to when Sarah dropped her big, holy bomb. But like most men with brainwashed minds and super-huge egos, you refused to pick up on them. "Well, she's just in one of her moods," you guys say. Meanwhile her Interest Level is going 88... 86... 77... 46... etc.

it's all about interest level When Sarah was blabbing to you about all her wacky beliefs, you should have realized how heavily she was into the stuff. It's okay if she talks about Uranus transiting Aquarius five minutes a week, but this girl is totally gone over this malarkey. But she made the decision to get rid of you not because she was floating around in the celestial ether, but because you turned her off in another area . It's like when Jane Fonda saw the light and dumped Ted Turner. He's an atheist and she found Christ -- that's the reason she gave for getting rid of him. The real reason is that he lowered her Interest Level. Her dad and ex gave her advice... So Sarah has contact with her dad and ex? Gee, William, what's it like to sleep with two other guys? Isn't it a little crowded in that bed? Know what you should have done when she laid that garbage on you? You should have lied to her and gotten out of there. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "I'm witch chu, pal!" (And Sarah's a public school math teacher? There's another good reason why all schools should be private!)

open your eyes!

You two were perfectly matched, huh? Isn't it interesting that when a woman's Interest Level is 100%, she decides to walk? The Reality Factor says she walks when it's 39%. This is the hardest decision she's ever had to make? She lied like a rug -- it's a real easy decision when her Interest Level is in the 40s. On top of it all, you say that you're heartbroken? Well, I'm heartbroken that you believed anything she said! You're right when you say that your friends are clueless. (Especially when you try to explain "The System" to them -- they'll think you're a real nutcase, just like you know and I know that Sarah's a real nutcase.) If she's all these things -- delusional, quirky, cracked -- how can she be so great? Maybe she's got a hot bod, but this girl's more of a psycho than Madonna! (She talks to the angels, too.) Your problem is that you should have seen it all coming a lot sooner. Buying her crystals? Come on, guy! I'd join the Communist Party first. I've got another piece of news for you, William. Sarah was listening to her heart. Her Interest Level dropped below 50% -- that's why she left! It wasn't because of the cosmos and the New Age movement. And that's what you guys don't get. "Oh, it's not me, it's some outside factor," you rationalize. Uh-uh. It's you . Remember guys; only the man -- not some silly philosophy -- can lower Interest Level.

Are All Beautiful Women Stupid? Hey Doc, I absolutely love your stuff. I can't begin to tell you how my dating life has changed thanks to "The System." I used to be a loser and now I'm beating the women off with a stick. It's a miracle how much my life has been transformed. But I have a question that desperately needs your attention because I can't find the answer to it anywhere. After applying your principles, I am meeting and dating extremely beautiful women. (Yes, it's absolutely true and when I think about it, I'm astounded. Even my friends and family are amazed.) By the way, I live in Miami, where there are beautiful women everywhere you look. The more beautiful women I meet and date, the easier it seems to attract even more of them because they see me with Beautiful Women. They must ask themselves, "I wonder what he's got?" And you must be asking yourself: Okay, so what's this guy's beef?

here's the problem

What I'm discovering is that the more physically attractive a woman is, the more boring and brainless she is. One is dumber than the next, Doc. I recently dated one who believed that New Jersey was a city. Another one thought Ernest Hemingway played for the Los Angeles Lakers. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. This makes it extraordinarily difficult to carry on a conversation, go on a long trip, or even think of entering into a real partnership with them. I hate to say this, but unless we are being intimate, I can't stand to be around them. I try everything I can think of to stimulate intelligent give and take, but since they are brainless, they can't talk about current events, goals, their jobs -- nothing.

let it go I know you must still be thinking, "What the heck is this guy kvetching about," but believe me; it's a real problem when you're in the market for someone to get serious with. Doc, should I forget about the "10s" and just date average-looking but intelligent girls? Or is it possible to find an Einstein on the catwalk? Thanks for any ideas you might have. Pat -- who's sick of gorgeous idiots

doc love's answer Hi Pat, We should all have your problems, pal! But I'm glad that my techniques have gotten you dates with a succession of Christie Brinkleys and Charlize Therons. Because you make a very interesting point -- that being seen in the presence of a Beautiful Woman is a really important tool in the dating game. (Some guys even pay for the privilege -- check the yellow pages under "Wing Women." But if you can do it for free, more power to you.) Are all beautiful women dumb as dirt? Find out... As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love likes to say, "As a chick magnet, being seen with a Beautiful Woman on your arm is the next best thing to owning a 145-foot yacht!" I know what the Feministas are thinking. They're just dying for me to agree with you right now, Pat, but I'm not going to do that. (By the way, I can't win with the Feministas. If I agreed with you that all Beautiful Women were stupid, they'd attack me for bashing women. If I said that the only smart women out there were unattractive , they'd be all over me too -- for the same thing. So they've got me coming and going.) But let me tell you something. There are some Beautiful Women out there who are brilliant -- you just haven't met them yet, that's all.

Still, if you want to do Beautiful Women, buddy, this is what you're going to have to put up with. It stands to reason that most of them are going to spend more time on their looks than on their personalities or boning up on the relativity theories of Stephen Hawking. Why? Because they don't have to. They're attracting the attention of men without having to work for it.

beauty is a gamble Dating Beautiful Women is like walking through a romantic minefield. If they're not getting hit on by every guy around, they're emptying your wallet. Remember; as my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Every beautiful item comes with a heavy price tag." Nevertheless, Pat, I think it's great that you've graduated to the league of Beautiful Women, but before you met me, maybe you wouldn't have realized how stupid they can be, so that's one more good thing that's come out of following my principles. With "The System," you're always moving closer to reality -- and that's a good thing, especially when it comes to women. The more important thing to remember here is that you only need one smart Beautiful Woman. Maybe you'll have to go through 104 supermodels to get to her, but you'll have your fun along the way, right? When you hit number 105, guess what? She's studying to be a lawyer! And then you've finally got somebody with some brains. (If you don't believe me about babes who happen to be lawyers, check out some of the prosecutors and defense attorneys-turned-commentators on Court TV!)

keep up the search The point is that you've just had a run of the wrong ones here. Believe me, fellas, there are lots of smart Beautiful Women out there. Maybe you've had a "dumb run" because you're living in Miami, Pat. Too much sun can fry the brain. And it's more conducive to breeding beach bunnies than nuclear physicists. Remember guys; finding beauty with brains just takes longer.

Should I Mind If She Brings A Pal Along? Hey Doc, Here is my saga, which I will call The Story of a Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It . I am your basic "nice guy" and can't seem to recover from the syndrome, even though I did buy The Dating Dictionary and am in the process of memorizing it.

One night recently, I dressed up and went to a dance club with a don't give a damn about meeting anyone attitude. I ran out of cigarettes and asked a lady I was standing next to if I could have one of hers. She obliged and initiated a conversation with me. I found out that Michelle had been divorced from a mentally abusive husband and that she was out having fun for the first time in a long time. We danced, and afterwards she commented that we danced great together and that she should give me her phone number so we could do it again sometime. Using what I had learned in "The System," I gauged her Interest Level as very high, maybe 90%. I called her the next day, talked for two hours and found out that she was busy that week getting her son ready to go back to college, but that she was available for a date the following week. We agreed to have dinner. I took her to a really nice place and we had a great time. She was touching me, and commenting on my cologne and the fact that it was wowing her. We closed the place down and she invited herself for a date the next night. When we got back to her place, her daughter was there so we went out on her deck and talked. When she walked me to my car, I moved in to kiss her and she not only allowed it, but also kissed me again. By now I gauged her Interest Level at 90% plus.

and then there were three Now, here is where I began to lose it. The next night she invited me to meet her at the same club where we initially met. I did -- probably a screwup -- and she kind of put me through the jealousy test by bringing along a male friend. I believe I passed the test with flying colors by telling her that it was no problem that he was there, and when she said she would probably have to dance with him, I told her that it was her choice and I didn't have a problem with it. She did dance with the guy, but I couldn't quite put my finger on the vibe that was happening between us or the two of them. Was Jon being paranoid and what does Doc have to say? Find out... Well, Michelle and I have seen each other since, and when we're together she mentions future dates we might have. But suddenly she seems to be holding back when I go to kiss her. I have the feeling that I'm starting to lose my grip on the situation. Doc, what did I do wrong here? Do you think this "friend" of hers is really a boyfriend? Why do you think she went cold on me? Jon -- who's still in the process of learning

doc love's answer

Hi Jon, Well buddy, I can tell from your letter that you've made it all the way to page three of The Dating Dictionary. As my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You better get your butt back in the study hall. You've got a long way to go, Cowboy!" But you did start off on the right foot with Michelle. Your don't give a damn attitude was perfect. Every guy should have this fantastic attitude when it comes to life, and especially women. So you get an "A" for that one. Now the next part is just as great. I always tell you guys that you have to ask for the home phone number -- but in this case, Michelle offered it. For a change, the woman faced the possibility of rejection. For a change, the offer was incoming . That you didn't have to beg her is a huge deal! Hallelujah!

you should have tested her But Jon, you should have asked her why she wanted to give it to you. And you could have said no -- tested her a little bit and checked whether you could have run her Interest Level up a couple more points. But no, like most lonely, horny guys, you grabbed the bait and swallowed the hook. You should have told her no -- then of course told her you were kidding and taken the number. Still, the good part is that her Interest Level was 90%. The bad part is that it was 90% for only about two hours! To you Psych majors, you have to get to two months to see whether you have anything solid! Alas, here's where it starts getting ugly. You called her the very next day ? What did you do -ask her to go to the jewelry store with you and buy the engagement ring? Guy -- slow down! You talked for two hours on the phone ? If you have to do that much yapping, it's better when the two of you are sitting face to face in a small, cozy booth at a restaurant or when your arms are wrapped around her while you show her how to use the pool cue. Jon messed up even more...

play her game When Michelle invited herself for a date the very next night, you should have told her you were busy . Hey, you guys are allowed to be busy too, you know. You don't have to do everything she wants when she wants it. "I'd really like to, but I'm busy" -- that's what you should have said. But no, Jon, apparently you didn't make it to "S" -- Self-Control -- in "The System." You had to go rushing in like a baby who can't control himself when he sees a piece of candy.

When Michelle kissed you at your car, that was great, too -- you closed. Most guys don't have the guts to close. But since this girl likes you so much, you might have even thought about not kissing her as a possibility. Hold back a little. Make yourself more of a Challenge rather than a desperate pushover who acts like he just got out of Rikers Island. (That's the greatest thing about my principles -- I give you guys options. There isn't just one way to do this stuff.) So now her Interest Level is 90% plus -- for eight hours! (Still two months to go!)

here was your big mistake Unfortunately, now it gets really ugly. When you showed up at the club after she invited you, you practically telegraphed to this girl that you don't have any kind of life. When she brought her guy "friend" along, what you should have done was this: as soon as you set eyes on him, you should have not even acknowledged Michelle, but instead turned around and started hustling every girl in the joint -- and I don't care if she looked like Rosie O'Donnell. And you should have gotten as many phone numbers as you could -- and made sure Michelle was watching. And then you should have gone home. But instead you told her that it was no problem that her guy-pal was there. Gosh, why didn't you just hand her another stick so she could beat you to a pulp at the same time? Ayn Rand calls this syndrome "sanction of the victim." Like most men, you don't even know you're doing it. Dude! Wake up and smell the coffee! Where the heck are your agates? Or are you a girlie-man? And when you said you didn't have a problem with her dancing with the fellow, did Michelle also ask you if you minded her going to the hotel with him? Would that have bothered you? Would it have bothered you if she asked you to be the best man at their wedding? Or could you still keep your smiley face on?

you lost I hate to break this to you, Jon, but the vibe you were picking up was strictly between Michelle and her friend. So, she talks about lovely future dates. A little Womanese, huh? Kind of like when actress Minnie Driver says that "just because you're not with someone doesn't mean you don't love him." Bull-flop! (By the way, would it be okay if Michelle brought her other boyfriend along the next time you went to the movies?) You're not losing your grip on the situation, guy. Actually Michelle's Interest Level went from 91% to 49%. That's what really happened. So what you did wrong was not getting The Dating Dictionary earlier. And I think the guy she brought on your date is actually more than a boyfriend. She went cold on you because she found someone a whole lot better.

Remember guys; you can't just read it -- you've got to memorize it and then internalize it.

Why Do Married Women Flirt? Hey Doc, I'm a devoted student of the philosophy of "The System." As a result of paying attention to your material, I'm able to analyze most situations with women as fast as lightning. But a certain situation that I've run into lately has me a little perplexed: married women without wedding rings. For instance, I'm at the cleaners the other day and the cashier is this beautiful Latina girl (a dead ringer for Jennifer Lopez, actually) giving me classic high interest buying signals (laughing at my dumb jokes, making solid eye contact, blushing, and asking questions about my job). By the way, I'm not a regular patron at that business and had never seen her before. So after getting her name -- Eva -- I ask her for the home phone number and attempt to close the deal. All of a sudden a disappointed look appears on her face and she says, "Oh, sorry, I can't -- I'm married ."

no ring, no line Well, she wasn't wearing a ring and there was no tan line on the designated finger. When I pointed this out with a laugh, she said that she lost her ring when it went down the kitchen drain. Now Doc, had she been wearing a wedding ring I would've respected her union and chalked up the banter to nothing but friendly conversation. But due to the fact that she appeared otherwise unattached (i.e. no ring) and displayed buying signals, I made the move. Wouldn't anyone in my position have done the same thing? Is this girl just a liar with low Interest Level? Or married with 40% to 49% Interest Level in her hubby? I can't quite figure it out. And Doc, it's not the first time something like this has happened to me. Is this a phenomenon that's growing or something? I look forward to your usual brilliant insights. Smith -- who feels taken for a ride

doc love's answer

Hi Smith, First of all, when you're dealing with a married woman who doesn't wear a wedding ring, you have to think in terms of her Interest Level. If a woman were married -- happily married -wouldn't she want to keep all the wolves away from the door by wearing her wedding band? She wouldn't want to get into confrontations with undesirable guys, right? She wouldn't want to needlessly upset her husband by drawing all kinds of unwanted attention, would she? Of course there's always the possibility that this one may have lost her ring, but why wasn't it replaced ? Like I always tell you guys, you have to be like detectives on Love and Order to figure out what the heck's really going on. Here's what might be going on with Eva... When you got Eva's name, you forgot to mention something -- did she ask you for yours ? And when she told you she was married, you should have asked, as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would have, "By any chance, you got a sister?" There are only a few possibilities regarding what happened at the cleaners, pal: 1- Eva lied because she had low Interest Level -- in you. 2- She told the truth, but she had low Interest Level -- in you. (But when a woman gives you so many buying signals -- when they overdo it like Eva did -- something's not right at home. When she told you her ring went swirling down the kitchen drain, you should have asked, "How long ago?" If she said "Yesterday!" it would have told you one thing. If she said "14 years ago!" it would have told you something entirely different. And the answer would have said a lot about the state of her marriage. Which leads us to the next possibilities.) 3- She's not getting any love and affection at home. 4- Her husband does give her lots of love and affection, but she just doesn't dig the guy anymore. 5- For some reason she's just trying to find out whether she's still got market value -- in other words, she needs to see if guys are still interested in her.

you fulfilled your duty You can try until the cows come home to figure out all the reasons why Eva said what she did, but the bottom line is this: you did close the deal by going for the home phone number. Even though you didn't get it, you did great, buddy. Because most guys would have chickened out and not have gone for the home phone number.

But thanks to "The System," you had guts, and that was fantastic. Most wimps would have hemmed and hawed, asked Eva if she had a boyfriend or mumbled something like, "Can I take you out sometime between now and Armageddon?" That said, married women losing their wedding bands is a phenomenon only in your life. But this babe flirted, she wasn't wearing a ring, and you went ahead and asked for the home phone number -- that's all that counts.

pat yourself on the back So you should congratulate yourself. You're getting hung up on some other stuff here. Maybe this is all Eva's problem. Maybe you don't even want to get involved with someone like her -have you thought of that? As Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "You already gotta figure she's doing some kind of heavy number on her hubby, right?" Because guys, there's another type of woman who still has high Interest Level in her husband but when she sees a man she likes, she will flirt with him. And these are the women who tend to dress like sex kittens even after they're married, because they want other guys watching them. Not that they want to get intimate or romantic with another guy, but they need the strokes. It's enough to make you think, what's wrong with the guy she's got? Why isn't one enough?

maybe she's just a flirt So don't go getting all bent out of shape here, Smith. You weren't taken for a ride. You went in there and spent a measly two minutes on Eva. You really get taken for a ride when you've been going with a babe for a year and a half and she empties your wallet. But this was no big deal -- you were never even in that cleaners before. Next time you go in, forget about dating Eva. Say to her, "Hey, you got a girlfriend for me?" Remember guys; don't go blowing things out of proportion.

Is Being Picky Dangerous? Hey Doc, Since reading "The System," I find myself being a little too picky and looking too hard at a woman's flaws when I'm in the initial dating period. I know you tell us to pretend she's ugly when we're on a first date, and the more we withdraw the more she'll chase. But I think this theory has clouded my judgment. I've come to the conclusion that maybe no woman is good enough to have my children!

What's even worse is that now I find myself not even bothering to call some of the girls who give me their numbers because I'm thinking about how bad it will be before I even get to know them! It seems to me that this age of celebrity, beauty and wealth we're living in today has changed women a lot. Almost every girl out there has low self-esteem -- even the beautiful ones -thanks to magazines and entertainment shows. And they show you how insecure they are right off the bat. I use "The System" in my favor to get these women to chase me, and that's the beauty of it. But do I want some insecure girl as my potential wife? So here's my question, Doc: Is there a way to date a woman and help her feel good about herself without having to kiss her butt and constantly reinforce her with positive feedback?

she's got some flaws Also, is it all right if she has some problems that aren't so bad? For instance, say that she gets a little shy at a wedding where she doesn't know anybody, and so she just sits there quietly. It's not the worst thing, right? (Still, for myself, I'd like to have a woman who's very outgoing at social gatherings.) At the same time, I don't want to have to always be telling her, "You're a strong, powerful woman. People would love to get to know you. You should be happy to make new acquaintances and blah, blah, blah." One more thing. You tell us to be more like Cary Grant and to study the master. I've watched a ton of his movies. One thing I've noticed is that in a lot of his movies, Cary is divorced. It seems that even Cary Grant couldn't keep the girls from walking out! In The Awful Truth , he divorced his wife in a matter of seconds when he found out she might be lying to him. But he was still Cary Grant! There was always another woman waiting for him. I don't look like Cary and I'm not the rich socialite he played in a lot of his films, so it would appear that I may have to cut women a little more slack. Somehow I don't think Grace Kelly is out there just waiting to fall head over heels for me. Vince -- who's afraid of ending up with nothing

doc love's answer Hi Vince, Gee, pal, you're going to be a real picnic for some poor female to live with! How do you think Alec Baldwin managed to drive the beautiful Kim Basinger and their daughter clear across the country? Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick! How critical should you be? Read on...

first interest level, then attitude Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Boy, you ain't gonna get a gal by attacking her with a bow and arrow and slingshot, so you best put 'em away!" In other words, forget about being so critical and faultfinding before you even get started with a potential date. What you should be doing is looking only at the girl's Interest Level. Study her Attitude and baggage later, guys! Initially, all I want you to do is raise her Interest Level . Get the woman to like you more. If you meet someone and come away with her home phone number, you can safely assume that her Interest Level is 51%. After you get back from Starbucks or your first major date, I want it to be at least 52% or higher. And that's all you should be concentrating on right now. You shouldn't be knocking a woman out of the box before you even know her name because of her hang-ups. I think it's great that you see them, Vince, but remember -- you're not perfect either! So, you want me to believe that no woman is good enough for you? That has to be one of the dumbest statements I've ever heard, pal! There are millions of great women out there. You simply can't make a stupid blanket statement like that. You have to make sure that you're thinking straight, and that's what "The System" helps you do. It makes you face reality . You yourself said that "almost every" woman feels lousy about herself. What you mean then, is that there are some together ones left, right? You contradicted what you said in the first paragraph of your letter.

don't give up I mean, think about it. Out of three billion women on the face of the planet, there isn't one good one? Of course there is! You're over-generalizing. Like Brother Love says, "You're bitter about something and you're throwing in the towel!" Don't let my principles hurt you . If nothing else, you should be happy that your awareness level is a lot higher as a result of studying my rules. Now, let me straighten you out about something else here. Just because you're going out with a girl, doesn't mean you're going to marry her. Slow down, cowboy! Don't go worrying about a "potential wife" before you get the horse out of the starting gate. Nevertheless, you need to practice on these girls, which will reinforce the axioms of "The System." Be a gentleman, not a suck-up...

never kiss up Vince, I don't ever tell you to kiss a girl's butt. You show me where in "The System" I've ever asked you to do anything remotely like that and I'll kiss Roseanne's butt! What I tell you to do is be a gentleman, and to show manners and class, and to keep it light and funny. Please don't

misinterpret my words. Is it all right if the girl has some problems? Of course it is! If you find one who's 100% perfect, tell me who she is! I've got a hundred bucks that says it's not going to happen. Of course her problems are a matter of degree and quantity. If her only hang-up is that she's shy at a wedding, but other than that, she's a great person, I'll put up with the shyness. (Hey, if she's a little bashful, just ask her to dance!) What you guys have to do is determine the part that you can live with. To you Psych majors, you have to figure out what you want in a woman . If being outgoing at a social gathering is your number one priority, you have to factor that in, obviously. But don't forget; lots of people are shy until they get to know someone, so I'd cut her a break there. But again, it depends completely on what you value.

some flattery is nice And by the way, Vince, it won't kill you to tell her once that she's strong and powerful. Why? Because it's the loving thing to do. Now, let's tackle the subject of the master, Cary Grant. Sure, Cary got divorced here and there. My advice to you is to not study that part! And you've got it completely backwards, dude -- Cary got rid of them , not vice versa! One last thing: don't shortchange yourself. Maybe the reincarnation of Grace Kelly is waiting out there for you. And if not her, then maybe Cameron Diaz is. Don't forget -- Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, then the cameraman. And guess what, fellas? She's not perfect either. But the point is that you never know, and that's the beauty of life -- and dating. Remember guys; the purpose of the "The System" is to make you more aware, not to make you bitter.

Should You Bother With A Daddy's Girl? Hey Doc, I've got a problem that I bet you've never seen or heard of before. But first, a little background. I met Melinda six months ago at a local airport where I'm a weekend flight instructor. She took several lessons from me before the relationship turned from teacher-student to something more romantic.

We started dating and, for a couple of months, everything was great. We have lots of things in common aside from flying planes -- we're of the same religion, have similar political points of view, and share many of the same desires for what we want to do in the long run with our lives.

she's hot & smart Melinda is extremely attractive and very intelligent. Since she is fun-loving and adventurous, I mistook those things for some of the character traits you list as the most important in "The System," and this is where I ran into trouble and where the problem comes in. It seems that Melinda is something of a "daddy's girl," and I think this has the potential to drive me crazy and ruin the entire relationship. For instance, we were having dinner at her apartment a few weeks ago when the phone rang. She got up to answer it, which annoyed me since we were smack in the middle of what I thought was a romantic evening. Well, her father (who bought Melinda her own small plane, incidentally) wanted to talk about some problem he was having at his business and she sat there rapping with him for about 45 minutes until the food went stone cold. I was furious, but said nothing. When she finally hung up, the romantic spell was broken. She told me, "I hope you didn't mind that, but my dad and I are really close and we always consult each other when there's a problem."

she is the ultimate daddy's girl Since then I've begun to notice that instead of being Flexible and Giving, Melinda is quite rigid when it comes to her father. They definitely seem to be each other's favorite person in life. What's worse is that he doesn't think all that much of me. Even though I know how to fly a plane and make a decent living working as a manager for a medical advertising agency, I get the distinct feeling that he thinks I'm not quite good enough for his little princess. Most disturbing of all is that we recently had an argument and instead of working it out with me, she called her father to talk about it. It makes me think that in the event of a serious problem, she'll run off to him rather than stick it out with me. Doc, what's your take on this? Is this typical female behavior? What do you think I should do? James -- who's not a mama's boy

doc love's answer

Hi James, It's a real shame you're having problems with Melinda because your relationship started off on the best foot possible. And you got a bonus, pal, in that you two have pretty much everything in common. You are so, so lucky because just look at how many people in this world get married with nothing in common, and they don't spend any time finding the things that they'd like to do together. You and Melinda are fortunate to have something good -- but like most things in life, it won't last...

that's not what's important Because you're right, James, like most clueless guys, you mistook what you and Melinda had in common for the really important things -- which I call Integrity, Giving and Flexibility in "The System." You just accepted her at face value without checking to see whether she really had those key personality traits. The truth is that your eyes were closed -- because you were sharing too many laughs with this beauty. But now you're not laughing anymore. Your romantic evening with Melinda was a big deal, the real litmus test. What she did by ignoring you was either totally disrespectful, or she has higher Interest Level in somebody else. Now I want you Psych majors to take note of this: if this babe talks to her daddy for 45 minutes two or three times a year, you should marry her because it says something good about her character. But if she does it two or three times a month , it'll drive you nuts. Then you have to get rid of her. Let's face it: if Melinda consults her father whenever she has a problem, in Womanese it means he's closer to her than you'll ever be. I have to correct you on something here, Jimbo. Actually, Melinda is not a rigid girl. She's actually quite Flexible and Giving -- to her father. She's just inflexible with you -- because you happen to be her second choice.

dad will never like you Let me tell you something about her old man. When you met this guy, maybe you were dead in the water before you even started with his daughter, but you should have done everything possible to get him to like you, including sucking up to him -- it's real important to have him in your corner.

On the other hand, it might not be your salary, or the way you look, or the car you drive that he objects to. It might just be that he likes his daughter more than he digs his old lady. In the event of a serious problem, you ask, what if she runs off to papa? As Brother Love would say, "Hallelujah, bro, you said a mouthful there!" Unfortunately for you, you got it dead on. When the bad stuff comes down -- and it always does sooner or later -- Melinda will be out on the golf course with her dad.

don't put up with her Now, how long will you put up with this crap? That's the point here -- think about having to deal with Melinda's daddy lurking in the background day after day, week after week, month after month. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If you decide you want to keep her, move to Australia!" What's my take on this thing, James? My take is that I think you're going to get burned down the road. And of course, this is not typical female behavior. Not by a long shot. Remember guys; until she can make the break from her pops, forget about her.

What Happens When She Hates Your Gift? Hey Doc, I've been dating Brittany for 16 months now. Everything has been going very well and she has demonstrated Flexibility, caring, and is not structured. But I'm curious about an issue that came up this week. I'm now studying your Dating Dictionary and one thing that sticks out to me is that when you do something nice for a woman, she should come back with a high level of appreciation and return the gesture in some way. Well, about three months ago, Brittany's cell phone broke and she was issued a new one through her insurance program. From the beginning, she hated everything about the phone, from the way it looked to the way it worked. She actually talked about how much she hated it every day. Now I know that a cell phone isn't the most romantic gift, but for her 30th birthday, I thought I'd surprise her with a new one. It was quite expensive and I was really looking forward to having her pick it up. I was giving her hints to drive her crazy throughout the week, which was fun. I also put together a little surprise dinner for her with some friends and her parents. Pretty good, right?

here you go, honey...

Well, after work on Brittany's birthday, we met and I walked her to the Sprint store, told her to pick out a phone and said, "Happy Birthday!" Her reaction was not what I expected. She said, "Oh, you didn't have to do this. I was just complaining. And I don't want you to spend money for a phone because these companies all annoy me." I was crushed and in a funk for the rest of the night. I kept thinking that she should have just sucked it up and pretended to like the phone. But part of me wanted her to have a gift she likes, too. We never did buy the phone and now she's kind of backtracked and says we should get it because it was my idea and that makes it special. But I know she doesn't really want it and now I don't want to buy it. Now up to this point, Brittany's always been affectionate and still has her hands all over me. I don't know if she used the phone incident as a distancing technique or what. I'm also an emotional guy (I've learned a lot from you about Self-Control) so I don't quite know how to react. It's several days later and I'm still bummed and acting a little cold toward her, and I know I shouldn't do that. Do I need to loosen up? What would you suggest as a next move? Thanks a lot, Doc. You're always a tremendous help. Carmelo -- who feels like he got slapped in the face

doc love's answer Hi Carmelo, Sure, buddy. Brittany (and every woman for that matter) should come right back with an appreciative gesture -- assuming she's a Flexible Giver. But are you sure that's what you have here? She sounds more like a nag than anything else...

listen closer You say that you heard about how much Brittany hated her phone every day. Every single day . Then you tell me she's Flexible . As Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Hey, baby -- ain't that a contradiction in terms?" Because it sounds to me like she's as structured as the U.S. tax system! Beating you over the head again and again and again with the same thing -- isn't that the very definition of nagging ? Jeez, pal; maybe you better clean the potatoes out of your ears! So my question to you is this: are you really reading "The System?" I think you've got the wrong book!

you made a mistake But let's give Brittany the benefit of the doubt anyway and move on. Okay. She tells you about 90 times how volatile she is in the area of cell phones. She badgers you every single day with how much she hates the one she's got. (By the way, maybe your girl hates the gadgets because her boss can always get to her no matter where she is -- did you think of that?) So what do you do? You go and set her up with a cell phone ! Why would cell phones even enter your mind? As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Didn't you see that you were walking a dangerous, dangerous line here?" Sure it was fun dropping hints to Brittany -- but it wasn't fun for long once she saw what her birthday gift was! Now I will give you this -- the little surprise soiree you planned was a phenomenal gesture on your part. This shows you have a lot of class. (But the other part, the part about the cell phone -- well, Carmelo, I don't want you to mail my Dating Dictionary back so I won't tell you how I really feel about that one!)

it was time for damage control As soon as Brittany said, "Oh, you didn't have to do this," you should have said, "Come on, honey, I know how you feel about cell phones -- I was just pulling your leg!" Then you should have taken her by the arm, escorted her out of the phone store and walked her straight into Tiffany's! She's telling you constantly how all cell phone companies drive her insane, and you try and play kissy by treading in an area where you don't know how she's going to react. The phone has been driving her nuts for months and you're going to get her another one? Hello? Better wake up and smell the jungle gardenias! You were close... Of course Brittany should have sucked it up -- but she's been telling you all along how much she hates cell phones! If she told you she hated rat poison, would you go out and buy her a bottle of the stuff to drink? Now if she'd told you once that she hated her cell phone, you would have done the right thing by buying her a new one. And then she could have sucked it up, even if she was underwhelmed by being on the receiving end of an un-romantic gift. But, jeez, man, she clobbered you over the head every day with it. What else could you expect?

it's time to re-read the system But you painted yourself into a nifty corner, like most idiots. So go buy her the cell phone, Carmelo, and you suck it up. Brittany wasn't distancing herself from you, not at all. The problem was that you presumed to know her taste in the area of mobile telecommunications. She told you incessantly that she loathed what she had and you're going to take the chance

finding one that's better? Am I getting through to you now? So you're "emotional," huh, and you've learned a lot from me about Self-Control. Is that why you're acting cold toward Brittany? Isn't that called pouting? No offense, guy, but you get an F in that subject. Wanna know how to react? Put on a happy face. Keep it light, keep it funny, and go buy her the phone. A week later you're going to buy her a dozen roses, and when she asks you why you did it, you're going to say, "Because you're you, that's why!" And next time, before you do anything stupid, use what God put between your ears. Your next move? I know a nice igloo in Alaska where you can go, and just sit and read The Dating Dictionary over and over for the next six months! And in case you didn't notice, you slapped Brittany in the face, Carmelo -- by giving her the wrong gift on her birthday. Remember guys; before you take any action, think it through.

Everything You Need To Know About Online Personals Hey Doc, I am so thankful for "The System," but haven't seen you talk a whole lot about this online dating thing, and I'm just wondering what you feel is the best way to handle it if you decide to use online personals. For instance, when you scroll through the candidates and see something that you like, do you think it's best to send her an e-mail with a subject line like "Hi" and nothing else? And then in the body of the message write, "Hi, how are you?" -- and nothing else? In other words, don't put your name or anything else. Your principles suggest that women love mystery, and so maybe that sort of thing would work -- what do you think?

i have more questions Doc, do you think I should ask her to send me her most recent picture? Can I really tell how she looks from what's on the website? Also, how do you feel about a personal ad that contains a lot of "bedroom" material? In other words, when a female is using Womanese for "I'm fast and easy"? Another question I have is, how long should you wait for her to get back to you? I ask this because the girl in question may only check the website you're using once every two months or something like that.

Which leads me to my next question. If she responds, what should you do then? Should it be something simple like asking her to meet you at Starbucks, or something more elaborate like dinner and a movie? (I figure if you get her to meet you at Starbucks, you can tell right off the bat whether you have any interest in seeing her again, right?) Well, Doc, I know these are a lot of questions, but I hope you can give me some good guidance here. I'm sort of afraid to contact any one of the girls I'm interested in for fear of making a mistake. I've made enough of those with the opposite sex to be wary, believe me. Thanks in advance for any tips. Mike -- who's clueless at the terminal

doc love's answer Hi Mike, Well, pal, you're on to some half-good ideas, but you need a little more training before you take the playing field. By the time I'm through with you, you'll be ready to handle anything you come up against in the world of cyber dating -- and you'll be hitting home runs. You don't just write "Hi," what's the matter with you? To begin with, "Hi" is just a little too anemic, Mike. There's no selling of yourself involved. So you're going to do something much craftier instead. When you spot a babe you like online, you're going to drop her an e-mail with a "Hi," and add a nice little note that says, "I found your profile interesting." Don't forget -- when Arthur Miller snagged Marilyn Monroe, it was because he told her he loved her for what was on the inside!

don't go for face Of course, you've already seen her lovely face with its Angelina Jolie bee-stung lips and Nicole Kidman come-hither eyes, but you're entirely too slick to fall for what every other dolt falls for. Instead, you're going to pounce on her incredibly fascinating brains and personality, and the fact that she's a chemist or corporate attorney or reference librarian. (Don't laugh -- you should see some reference librarians!) And the best thing is, you're not coming on too heavy when you tell her she's "interesting." To you Psych majors, you always have to tell a woman you love her for her mind -- not because you can't wait to ravish those fat, luscious lips. And she's going to believe it -- at least for a little while.

So that's all you need to do at first: "Hi. I find you interesting. Mike." (Okay, you can even go one step further: "I find your expertise in the latest computer technology captivating.")

be careful with "hi" Another problem you have when you don't say anything else but "Hi" is that you come dangerously close to being in what we call stalker territory. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "You're giving the poor girl the creeps, dude! You ain't getting any dates that way!" So with that terse salutation, you've gone a little too far. You have to move it back over to the center. To get anywhere, you have to at least come across as normal. Women hate two things: guys who beg and stalkers. We don't want you being either one. Sure, women love mystery, but with the one-word approach you'll end up on City Confidential or America's Most Wanted. You have to get a shot of her first...

you need to see her Now let's get something straight, Mike. You are going to see her picture. You're not doing anything without first setting eyes on some likeness of her. Otherwise, you're not dropping her one single, solitary line. You're not going to contact anybody who doesn't have a photo up on the website -- period. It's a waste of time, and you're not going to waste time. The girls who don't put up their picture are either psychos or FBI agents or Rosie O'Donnell's ugly sister. And as long as it isn't her high school cheerleading snapshot, you'll be able to get some idea of what she really looks like.

what about the sex fiends? Now, let's move on to those females who post "bedroom" profiles. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "This honey's odometer has more miles on it than a cross-country Mack truck!" You're better off staying away from a number like that, even if she's a dead ringer for Vanessa Williams. If you mess with one of those, Mike, you're in for nothing but trouble. Guy, if a girl only checks the website every couple of months, it shows she's not serious about dating and you're looking for somebody who is -- so she automatically disqualifies herself. On the other hand, we don't care if she gets back to you in an hour or a year. As long as she

does and she passes the "physical," and she saw your picture and you guys are now conversing by keyboard, well then, you're on your way.

always get the digits That's when you ask for the home phone number. And it's okay for her not to give it to you. I hope she doesn't want to give it to you. I hope she doesn't give it to you because then there's a chance she's a classy broad. If she gives her number out to every guy who sends her an e-mail, she's desperate. And desperate means low self-esteem, and I want you to have a self-sufficient woman with healthy self-respect. So again "The System" protects you by eliminating the losers and whack jobs. (Gee -- I don't know why Oprah won't have me on her show!)

no dinner, no movies Fella, we don't do dinners and movies. You're going to suggest that you meet at Starbucks. We're going to do 30 or 40 minutes there with our cafe lattes. Then, at the end of our little date, we're going to ask her for the home phone number. And what we're interested in at that point is her Interest Level -- not yours. Remember guys; when you're with her at Starbucks, keep it light and funny.

Picking Up Women At Your Workplace Hi Doc, I'm a long-time follower of "The System" and a regular reader of your columns. I have a unique situation. I work in a high-visibility job as a bartender in a restaurant that is right on the beach in California. The place is literally crawling with Beautiful Women. Sounds good so far, right? My problem is that I'm having trouble figuring out a non-sleazeball approach to getting some numbers there. I'm a good-looking guy (I get regular female praise), take care of myself, and am completely capable of getting Beautiful Women more often than I do. So my question is this: how in the short 10 to 30 seconds of interaction with these dangerously gorgeous girls do I ask for the home phone number? I know some of these girls dig me since I pick up on their various looks and body language. But I don't want to look like a typical shmuck bartender or put these women in an

uncomfortable position in front of other people. On the other hand, I know I've let some amazing prospects slip away because I wasn't quite sure how to attack them. The way my job works is they come in for lunch or dinner, then, while waiting to be seated, they often make their way up to the bar to order a drink or appetizer. The lobby/waiting area is also the bar area, so I can make eye contact, or if you think it's appropriate, I could walk around into the lobby for a quick chat. (And no, my employers wouldn't mind this since it's a very laid-back atmosphere.) I hope this isn't too specific for you to reply to, but I know that everyone who works at any job will sooner or later encounter possible dating prospects. I feel like a kid in a candy store who's not allowed to buy anything. Thanks and keep up the good work! Byron -- who feels like his hands are cuffed

doc love's answer Hi Byron, First of all, I don't know why asking for the home phone number is a sleazeball move. In itself, there's nothing wrong with asking for the home phone number. What you mean is that hustling on the job is sleazy . The thing you have to worry about, buddy, is an irate female customer complaining to your manager. "I come here to have a nice dinner and this guy's hustling me! I don't think it's right!" If that happens, no matter how "laid-back" your employers are, you'll be on the un employment line. In this case, you shouldn't ask for the home phone number, but Doc will tell you what to do instead...

use comedy So you're not going to ask for the home phone number, Byron. There are lots of other things you can do, but the main thing -- the key to getting any woman -- is to make her laugh . Like a comic working out his act at the Improv, you're going to try different lines on them until you find out which one works for you. One of the best around is, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" It gets the point across subtly and with a sense of humor. "You got a girlfriend for me?" is another good one. The point is that you're not going to go straight at it like a bull in a china shop; that way you can't get into hot water on the job. Like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, you're going to get in and get out. You can't appear as if you're hustling these honeys, even though you -and they -- know that you are.

You're the man behind the bar, dude. You're the guy who gets to put on a little show. If I were you, I'd have these girls cracking up all over the place.

here's another tactic... But like Sal "The Fish" Love puts it, "There's more than one way to pull off a job." When you pick up on their cues, you can also say, "We're having a great band in here on Friday night" or "On Wednesdays we feature the best mahi-mahi dinner in town. You and your girlfriends should come in -- you'd really enjoy it." In other words, you've got to toss hints at these gals to come back again for some other reason -- when the only reason really is you . While you're doing it, you have to pretend that your manager is standing right next to you because you have to be very careful who you're talking to. You might put the move on one girl who takes it as a compliment, but then she goes and mentions it to another who calls the manager to complain. As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Some girls don't want you to make out!" You claim that you don't want to be a typical shmuck bartender and don't want to make these women uncomfortable -- another two reasons why you're not going to ask for the home phone number. You're going to do everything but ask that question. (Of course if you ever did slip and ended up in front of a judge, you'd say, " Me? I never asked for her home phone number, your honor! You have me confused with somebody else!")

you're doing something wrong But I do have a little problem with your letter, Byron. I can't figure out why at least some of these babes aren't returning to see you later as it is. If any of these ladies had 85% to 90% Interest Level in you, they would have come back and had a drink with you on another night. They'd bring a girlfriend, commandeer a couple of stools and chat you up. When a woman's Interest Level hits the 80s, they get real crazy and they'll do almost anything . They're not going to let you slip by if they like you. With the volume you're seeing and the fact that you're good-looking, what I suspect is that you're not saying the right things to these women. You're doing something wrong. It's your pitch and personality that's falling flatter than a stale IHOP flapjack. What exactly are you saying to them? You have to give me the fine details of a case for me to help you crack it. You should have included your approach in your letter so I could tell you what to add or subtract, so that you could improve upon it. Like I always say, you guys have to be detectives on Love & Order .

To use your own words, you're standing in the middle of the candy store -- but maybe you aren't handling these sweets properly. Remember guys; unless you're ready to quit next week, don't ask for the home phone number.

Is It Okay To Practice On Ugly Chicks? Hey Doc, First of all, thanks for all the advice and wisdom you shared with us guys in "The System." My best buddy Bobby turned me on to you, and I have to say that it seems to me your principles are right on the money. But I have a question that I've not seen addressed, and I'm wondering if you can give me a little guidance here. I happen to be mired in a dating slump right now. (It's only temporary, of course, because I have your techniques on my side!) I can't seem to get the attention or numbers of any of the women I'm interested in. What I'd like to know is whether you think it's okay to lower my standards temporarily to get some dating practice and such -- you know, work on my moves.

hurting the ugly ones Doc, I have a good heart and would never hurt a girl on purpose, but there is an unattractive girl -- I'll call her Chrissie -- from my past that I'm thinking about getting in touch with. We were friends about eight months ago, but nothing romantic ever happened between us. Frankly, the idea crossed my mind because I'm so lonely and Chrissie had very high Interest Level in me way back when. Since I was basically indifferent to her, I was a total Challenge to her even before I studied your book. She always wanted me to go places and do things with her, and she always offered to pay. It would have been a sweet deal if only I'd been interested in her. So what do you think in general about dating a woman knowing she is only "practice" for the next one, if you already know she will never be "Miss Right"? Doc, thanks in advance for your help. Riley -- who needs to do something instead of nothing

doc love's answer Hi Riley, Guy, first let me assure you that not getting the attention and home phone numbers of the babes you really want is the way it is for every guy most of the time -- unless, of course, you play in a band. Like General Love says, "Dating can be like guerilla warfare in the Sahara Desert, and you gotta be prepared for anything!" The point is this: when you do meet the right one, you have to be armed with my material -- it should be so second nature, so internalized, that you'll be able to conquer and keep this A-list lady when you find her. In other words, you have to be like a soldier going into battle. To you Psych majors, 99% of the women you meet will be the wrong women. But what we're doing with "The System" is getting you completely set up and ready to deal with the right one. You have to practice, but not with past girls...

practice my techniques Working on your moves is an excellent idea, pal. You should always be doing that anyway. Your problem right now is that you're walking into the Mercedes-Benz dealership, but you've only got money for a broken-down 10-year-old Chevy. My gut feeling tells me that you haven't really taken my principles completely to heart yet. You haven't practiced enough or put in the time. I've heard miracle stories from the guys who have, including incredible tales of marriages that have been saved. That's the kind of power my techniques carry. So, Chrissie offered to pay for you? Whoa, dude, this has to be the first time in the last 6,000 years that a woman ever offered to cover a guy! This is truly unbelievable! But she shouldn't be paying. You -- the man -- are the one who should be paying.

chrissie is a hasn't been But we have a major problem here, Riley. You already know this girl. Chrissie is old news, yesterday's paper. It's clear you don't have any real interest in her. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "What's the point of beating on a dead donkey?" You say you need to do something. You complain that you have no action whatsoever, and

that you're stuck in a rut. It's our job to shake you out of that rut . What you have to do, buddy, is figure out how you can meet the highest quantity of women. Then go and do it.

here's what you gotta do The very best way to do that is on the Internet. So what you're going to do is study "The System" until it's completely committed to memory, until you can pretty much recite it from cover to cover. Then, log on and if a girl who'd never make it in the pages of Cosmopolitan wants to meet you, you're going to go and meet her anyway. (You're practicing on some fresh new honeys, get it?) Hey -- maybe it's just a bad photograph, and anyway, we have to make you a little bit more handsome. We have to get you feeling better about yourself. How do we pull that off? Like this: meeting all these new women is going to propel you into motion instead of keeping you in a state of inertia. It's going to give you Confidence, and applying my rules will give you that swagger, that winner's attitude you need so that more females will find you attractive.

leave the past in the past So to answer your question, Riley, if you're not interested in her, don't waste your time , and don't torture Chrissie for your own selfish ends. But if you're with someone and it's already a date, have as much fun with her as you can. Be Confident, and keep it light and funny. Do your very best imitation of Cary Grant. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Practice your moves, baby. Never stop practicing your moves." Remember guys; once you know you can learn nothing from a woman, it's time to move on.

Is Anyone Too Young For The System? Hi Doc, I know I'm not the typical person who contacts you, but I'm hoping you can give me some advice here. I'm actually writing for my son, Robbie. He's young (14), a freshman in high school, and has really discovered girls just lately. The problem is that he doesn't know his butt from his elbow about what to do with them. I guess all of us guys have been there, but since I love the kid, I

was hoping that maybe I could save him some of the agony and torture that I went through until I figured out which end was up. But Doc, it doesn't seem to be working. In the first place, he doesn't want to listen to his old man, and secondly, he's already acting like a complete fool when he's around the opposite sex.

young and clueless For example, he doesn't know how to talk to girls whatsoever. He's got a crush on Julie, a girl in his class. He can't seem to bring himself to have a conversation with her in person, so he calls her on the phone, says hello to her, then, when she doesn't respond, there's just dead air until she says she has to go and hangs up. I know about this because he has admitted as much to me. When I try to make a suggestion, he wants no part of it. Frankly, Doc, he thinks I'm totally unhip. Hey, maybe I am. It's very frustrating for me to watch this because Robbie is a good-looking kid and, despite his ineptitude, he is very intelligent. I hate to see him suffer for nothing. I was referred to you by a friend who swears by your columns and your "System." He even calls himself a disciple of yours. That got me reading your column on AskMen.com and I found myself intrigued. But I have to wonder if your material is appropriate for younger people. Do you think they have the capacity to understand it? Do they have the self-control to practice it? Do you think it would be a good idea for me to buy "The System" for my son? Carter -- who'd do anything to help his kid

doc love's answer Hi Carter, You're right -- you're not exactly the typical desperado who writes in, but a considerable chunk of my sales are to people who would like to see their grandchildren . What does that tell you, pal? What most people don't realize is that, with the divorce rate as high as it ever was, and the women filing for it two-thirds of the time, the odds that they're going to be seeing their own grandchildren are not so good. And so for parents who have sons, whether they're 14, 18 or 22, the sooner they get "The System" the better -- it dramatically increases the chances that their parents are going to be able see their own grandkids. Why? Because what happens after a divorce is that the grandparents are forgotten. I've read quite a few articles about these poor people fighting for their rights in this area. When the wife takes the kids after a bloody courtroom battle, it's all over but the weeping. Some guys need to learn the hard way...

trial by fire Now come on, Carter, your kid shouldn't know what to do with girls -- he's only 14! He's not 24, so lighten up on him! Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Even Warren Beatty wasn't Warren Beatty when he was a kid!" And although your heart is in the right place, and as much as you don't want to see him make the mistakes that have to be made and that you no doubt made yourself, you can't save him from the inevitable agony and torture that results from the battlefield of dating. Until the boy is ready, you have to keep your mouth shut until he asks you a question -- then you slip him The Dating Dictionary. But before you do that, you need to study it yourself in order to properly feed him the correct information. And there's a bonus in it for you -- it will help with Mom! If Robbie's not ready to listen to his old man, it means he's just not ready. The sad truth, Carter, is that he'll have to come to you when he's in enough pain . So you're going to have to let him go out there and get brutalized. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Don't worry -- the American female will take good care of him. When she hands him his head enough times, then maybe you'll be able to do something for him!"

let him learn from his mistakes Don't sweat it if he acts like a complete fool around the opposite sex, pal. I see otherwise successful 38-year-old guys who act like bumbling idiots around women and would never even dream of opening my book if you gave it to them gift-wrapped. So don't feel alone, or like you're the oddball on the block because your kid isn't Jack Nicholson. Not knowing what to do when it comes to women is a widespread condition. Why do you think there's so much misery in the world? But sure, when you make a suggestion, Robbie wants no part of it -- he needs to come to you for help first. So let him keep getting the cold shoulder. Let him keep getting the phone slammed down in his ear. What you might suggest to him is something like, "When girls like you, they help you out!" Although it's basic, this is a brilliant observation, Carter. You'd be surprised how many men never figure it out for themselves! And then don't say any more to him. See what he does with it.

the son is father to the man Rest assured that your son is not suffering for nothing -- there's a light at the end of the tunnel. When he finally does get around to my principles, he'll be able to relate to them because he's been there; he's been stuck in that lousy, powerless position where his Heidi Klum look-alike is playing with his heart like it was a 50-cent yo-yo. So the bitter truth is that he's got to get knocked around some first. To move on to your next question, my techniques are appropriate for any guy who likes

women and hates rejection -- the most despised emotion. Do the younger ones have the capacity to understand it? Well, you've got to spoon-feed it to them when they ask for advice - dole it out a little bit at a time. Do they have the self-control to practice it? Depends on the individual and how much pain he's in. As long as you're breathing and have $99, "The System" is good for you, and that's the beauty of it. Buy it for yourself, dude, and read it, so you're ready for anything Robbie throws at you. When he turns 18, present "The System" to him. But until then, you'll just have to play the part of Doc Love. Remember guys; you've got to be ready to handle the truth.

Should You Always Buy Her Womanese? Hey Doc, I've got a little situation here. I've been dating Parker for three months now and things have been going fine except for this one phone conversation the other night that threw me for a loop. It revolved around her ex-boyfriend, who she still sees on a regular basis. (They run a business together.) Anyway, she wanted to know if I felt comfortable with that situation. The conversation then somehow shifted to the topic of cheating. She asked me how I felt about it, and whether I would ever take a girlfriend back if she cheated on me. Well, I told her that I wouldn't think twice about ditching that person since I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a backstabber. Parker was very upset with this response. She then said that if I happened to cheat on her, she would take me back since she's a forgiving person, and that I should see the good in people like she does. I sensed some anger in her tone when she asked if I believe that people can change. I told her that I wouldn't want to take on the task of changing anyone and that I'm not a therapist. This angered her further. She also said that things sometimes happen and that people make mistakes, especially under the influence of alcohol. Then I asked if she had done anything with her ex since we started dating, and her response was, "Tonight?" (Meaning as opposed to all the other nights!) I thought this was very strange. Then I asked if she still has feelings for this guy and she said that there are no sparks between them, but that she still finds him very attractive.

the truth almost came out Then Parker confessed that her ex had asked her to stay over at his place about a week ago, but that he offered her his bed while he would sleep on the couch. To make the story a little more interesting, he said that he respects what she has with me and wouldn't put her in a position where she would have to say no to him. And oh, she said he's a very "physical" person. Then she told me that she didn't sleep over at his house that night after all. I had a gut feeling

that something happened between them and told her so. I requested some time to myself to think about all this and she began to cry, but she really didn't put up much of a fight after I basically accused her of being a cheater. But she told me that I took everything the wrong way because she just wanted to know how I felt about cheating. She then told me to take as much time as I needed. Doc, do you think I overreacted? Should I call Parker back? And the most important question of all: Do you think she cheated? Aaron -- who can't figure out what she was trying to say

doc love's answer Hi Aaron, Jeez, pal, you screwed up so many times I hardly know where to start! But we'll wade through your mess step by step anyway to see where you went wrong. Doc examines the evidence...

get off the phone First of all, why in the world are you talking to this babe on the phone? You should only talk to a woman face-to-face . This demonstrates to me that you're way too loose with her and that you're not abiding by my rules. So odds are you won't keep Parker. And I also tell you in The Dating Dictionary to never talk about other guys with a woman . And Parker seems to be yakking about this ex of hers all the time! Instead of getting enmeshed when she brings up his name, your response should be "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh." And then change the subject. But Parker and the other guy run a business together. So now here you are getting involved with someone who still sees her ex on a regular basis! Why is she maintaining a tie to him? Why didn't she cut the business in half if it was truly over between them? Why didn't she buy him out or vice versa? These are the questions you have to ask, dude. You have to be like a forensic scientist at a crime scene. You have to be the equivalent of Sam Waterston's character on Law & Order (except that you'll be a love cop on "Love And Order"). And you have to be very, very specific, and think about and dissect the evidence. When Parker asked if you felt comfortable with her situation, she was trying to put you on the defensive. To you Psych majors, women are master intimidators. It was a no-win situation for you. If you say you're comfortable with it, you're lying straight through your teeth. If you say you're not, then you're also doing something wrong because now you're being insecure. So it's a very intimidating, aggressive question. (Nice girl, this Parker, right? She sure knows how to calm a guy's fears about the competition! What a prize!) So what you should have said to her was, "Why wouldn't I be?" and knocked the ball right back into Serena's teeth! Then you should have added, "Why do you ask? What did you have in mind?"

she's got nerve You tell her you don't like backstabbers. You, Aaron, and 99% of all the women in the world who don't dig cheaters. So what do you have here, with Parker? She's the 1% that thinks it's perfectly okay to betray a guy! Then she has the gall to tell you to see the "good" in people and that you should take a cheater back! That was the perfect opening for you. You should have come right back with, "Hey, you got a hot girlfriend I can start cheating with right now?" (And you should have asked the question face-to-face!) She wanted to know if you think people can change. Rightfully, you don't want to be a crutch to this bird with a broken wing. But look -- she's telling you her value structure. She's telling you how she really looks at things. This is so important, man! Like the great genius Dr. Freud once said, "You're really seeing the kind of cuckoo you'd be living with in the same cage for the rest of your life if you said those terrible words: 'I do.'" You should have made her squirm...

you let her off easy That remark about booze was particularly revealing. If I were you, pal, I'd want to make sure I counted Parker's drinks on every date from now on! And when she came back with that snotty question about whether she cheated "tonight," you should have pinned her down on the facts . "Since you've 'broken up' with your ex, has he tried to kiss you? Did you try and push him away?" You should have made the whole thing black and white -- you can't ever give a woman wiggle room. Because like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "When you give a wench room to wiggle, she'll dive right into Womanese, my boy!" Ah, what a fine gentleman Parker's ex is, not wanting to put her in the terribly uncomfortable position of having to say no to him. Of course not -- he just wants her in his bed, that's all! This guy really beats around the bush! You know what "he's a physical person" means, don't you? It means he's all hands! When she said she didn't sleep over that night after all, that means she left at 4 a.m.! As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "My man, you're drowning in a sea of Womanese!"

learn to investigate That said, I don't think you overreacted to what she told you. I think you handled the situation decently, but next time you should be more specific in your accusations and questioning. Should you call Parker back? What for? Are you two going to go and live on the psycho farm together and have little baby psychos? I don't think so. This broad is off in la-la land! You

won't make it 40 years with this girl in a cabin in the snow up in Anchorage. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It ain't gonna fly!" Do I think Parker cheated, Aaron? Let me ask you this: Does Donald Trump have pretty hair? Remember guys; when you've got a nutcase on your hands, please move on.

Should I Snoop On Her? Hey Doc, I've read "The System" and followed your techniques with much success these last couple of years. In all my flings and relationships until now, the women had a higher Interest Level in me than I did in them, so I never had any problems. I was also the one who ended every relationship. My current girlfriend of six months, Amber, who is 24, moved in with me three months ago. (I'm 31, by the way.) She's the cousin of a good friend of mine, so when she needed a temporary place to stay, I offered my apartment. We were already romantically close, and since I know her family, there didn't seem to be much harm in my offer. As a live-in girlfriend, she is supportive; she cooks and cleans, and she follows me everywhere I go. She is always romantic when I want to be romantic, and she has very much made my apartment her home. She also talks about our future together. To remain a Challenge as best as I can, I always give Amber a lot of freedom and stay out of her way, which is hard because she is a solid "9" and gets a lot of attention from guys everywhere we go. If the Bottom Line Factor states that "Only a woman's actions truly reflect her feelings toward you," then I have no worries. But there's a problem. Amber is super-friendly with everybody and can't seem to say no to anyone. For instance, she is in regular communication with her ex-boyfriend of five years (she ended it about a year ago). She never talks to him or e-mails him while I am around, but I have tracking software on my home computer that registers all inbound and outbound communication.

she thinks about him The guy loves her and wants her back, and although she doesn't suggest that they are getting back together, she is very affectionate with him and seems almost nostalgic. My guess is she still has feelings for him but knows that he is not "right" for her. By the way, they don't see each other because he lives in another city.

What's more, Amber also communicates with several other guys she's met and dated over the years, some from as far back as college, and is flirty with all of them. Considering that she lives with me, I feel that this shows a deep lack of Integrity. What do you think, Doc? Is she using me while keeping her options open, or is this just how 24-year-old girls act nowadays? Or does Amber have a serious character flaw that would warrant me ending this relationship? Martin -- who is seriously confused by her facade and starting to feel used

doc love's answer Hi Martin, First of all, let me point out that coming into this thing with Amber you were definitely on the right track. And this is what I try and teach you guys: as long as her Interest Level is higher than yours , you're not going to have any problems. The problems start here... But guess what? Most of the time it isn't higher. Most of the time it's the other way around, and you poor schmucks are facing mind games, head trips and that ugliest of all emotions -rejection. (And Martin, the fact that you ended every relationship before Amber was a very good sign. That, or you dated a lot of Cocker Spaniels and Labrador Retrievers!)

let's start with your errors Now, let's examine where you went off the track. The first time was letting Amber move in with you after only three months. Dude, where the heck's the fire? It's too soon to be fitting a noose around your neck. That's the problem here -- you definitely rushed it. You just don't go out with someone for three months and move in with her or marry her. Period . That's the rule. The same goes for offering your apartment as a crash pad. Big mistake. Way too heavy. It shows you're available -- too available. It shows you're gaga over this babe, and will only serve to erode Interest Level. Remind me to keep you away from my daughters, Martin. And if her family has any class, they're not going to like the fact that their little princess is living in sin. Some upstanding sonin-law you're going to be! As Brother Love likes to say, "Remember; if you want to preserve it over the long haul, you have to be conservative ."

you've got it good

Nevertheless, sounds like you're made in the shade, pal. You've got a real sweet deal going. Amber cooks, cleans and follows you around. Does she wag her tail, too? Well, so far everything is fabulous -- so far. But she's communicating with her ex. Before she moved in and told you about all the old boyfriends, it was an indication right then and there that something was off. It was a huge red flag . Why would you want to get closer to a broad who still has her exes on her mind? Think about it. Amber told you she ended this thing a year ago? No, she didn't. That's just the Womanese talking. That's the big lie . The truth is, it's still going on. She's still playing with this sucker's head! So you caught on to Amber a little too late. But when it comes to your computer tracking equipment, I have to say, you're the greatest! Fantastic! Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Now you're cooking with gas!" You're thinking like a real love detective on "Love And Order." That's what I want from you guys -- the hard evidence. With hard evidence, we can crack a case. It's one thing to investigate; it's another to know what you're looking for...

what are you looking for? But you have to learn to correctly interpret that evidence. You tell me Amber's "nostalgic" with ex No. 1 and she's "very affectionate." What do you mean by that? Does she tell him "I miss you"? You've got to define your terms more specifically. What exactly is she doing? Does she say she's ready and willing to come back and cook and clean for him, too? Whatever -- she's gabbing with the guy anyway. I don't care if they're talking about the price of tea in Mexico, they're still talking. It doesn't make any difference. To you Psych majors, there are no clean deals. Thank God the ex lives in another city, Martin. But how about all the other guys she's talking to in town that you don't know about? What about the guys who don't have computers and don't believe in cybersex?

this girl is a head case What I think is that your girlfriend has a problem. It may be lack of Self-Esteem, it may be lack of Integrity, but since I don't own a sheepskin in abnormal psychology, it's not my place to say. But the point here is that you knew going into this thing that she was in contact with the exes . So what did you go and do? You tried to knock them out of the saddle by coming on heavy -- i.e. moving fast -- which is anti-Challenge. From what your evidence tells us, you're probably not dealing here so much with a matter of

low Interest Level from Amber as you are something else. We can call it a character deficiency, or something like that. Still, like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "I don't care if she loves 50 guys -- she's not in their apartment. She's in yours." So it all depends on how you're built. It depends on what you're capable of putting up with. If it were me, I wouldn't want her talking to other guys. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with respect . Remember guys; when they have low Self-Esteem, one guy isn't enough.

Make That Date & Hang Up Hey Doc, I met Josie, this total knockout, at the mall last week, worked up the courage to talk to her for a bit, and asked for her home phone number. She took out a pen, wrote it on my hand, and enthusiastically told me to call her. At that point, her Interest Level seemed very high. Perhaps it was a mistake to call on Sunday, but I'm going to be out of town on Monday and Tuesday, and I felt it would be okay to do that. In the first few minutes of the conversation we agreed on a Starbucks coffee date for Wednesday.

she was a chatter She wanted to talk longer, but I indicated that I had some things to take care of before leaving town. She asked if I'd call her before Wednesday to talk, and when I reminded her that I'd be out of town, she said I should just use my cell phone and call her anyway. I joked around and told her I knew she was dying to talk with me, but that she'd just have to wait until our date. When she said, "Fine, then, just call me whenever you find the time in your busy schedule," she sounded a bit upset and quickly hung up. Doc, in the past, I would have probably called Josie right back and apologized, and then talked with her for a long time to make up for my little transgression. But since I've studied "The System," I decided not to roll over like a puppy dog, and instead stand my ground and be a Challenge.

why was she inflexible? But at this point I'm not sure what to make of Josie's getting upset when I told her I couldn't talk. It seemed pretty clear at first that she had high Interest Level, but now I don't know if she's just highly interested, or whether she's Inflexible and rigid, and I should stay away

because that can only mean further problems down the road. What's your take, Doc? I always trust your insight and I hope you can help me to see the light. Mitch -- who suddenly isn't so sure he wants to go through with it

doc love's answer Hi Mitch, Before we get into the messy part of your situation, I want to bestow upon you the Congressional Medal of Honor for Dating. My man, you are brave. You wouldn't believe how many guys wouldn't have done what you did. Find out why Mitch probably has bigger balls than you... Confronted with the most dangerous creature in the world -- the Beautiful Woman -- you said to yourself: "She's not wielding a machete. She's not carrying an Uzi. And I don't see a grenade, either. I'm going to approach her. What's the big deal, right? What's the worst that could happen?" And you did it . You've got cojones , pal. Most guys in that situation would have been lilylivered cowards. Congratulations to you, Mitch. And to you Psych majors, you have the ability to do the same thing; all you need is the guts to follow through.

don't give in to a brat Calling a girl on Sunday night is fine. But do it on the late side -- most people are at home then and it's a good time to catch them. Now, what I'm going to say here is really important: you did the right thing by not giving in to Josie's whim to chitchat about nothing. Here's an old salesman's adage: once you get the order signed and the check in your pocket, get the hell out of the house! And like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "You can only blow it by hanging around." When Josie wanted you to stay on the line and shoot the breeze, you should have said, "Hey, you're not an insecure girl, are you?" When she asked you to call her on your cell phone, you should have fired back (playfully, of course), "Baby -- how can you be insecure with that body and that face? It doesn't make a lick of sense!"

maybe she's a control freak But another possible scenario here is that Josie is a control freak. Or worse, she really has low Interest Level in you. Some babes will give you the number, but when it's time for action,

you're never going to see them in public -- or anywhere else, for that matter. So make sure you look at all the possibilities. Remember; you always have to be a love detective. You were smart to joke away Josie's demand to talk longer. But apparently she didn't get the message. When she dropped that caustic remark about your overloaded schedule, you should have come back with "Fine, honey. I know that down deep you're into Challenge, and that's why I can't call you. But I'll see you at Starbucks at six. Just hold on for three more days. You can do it." And then hung up. And left it that way. Wanna know why she really hung up? You don't have to talk anymore. And you don't have to accept Josie's calls if she phones you. If you show up at Starbucks on Wednesday at six and she's not there, fine. Look on the positive side -- you found out the truth about her sooner instead of later, and you wasted very little time or money in the process.

know why she hung up? Want to know why Josie got a little cranky and hung up on you? Because Miss Control Freak didn't get her way. You've got to remember something: she's so good-looking that priests and homosexuals are asking her out. She's getting her way damned near all the time. And believe me, I've seen 6'5" linebackers who look like puppy dogs instead of huskies in the grip of the Josies of the world, and they roll right over without a fight. They fall apart. Here this little girl they're chasing weighs all of 115 pounds, and they're going to pieces. Sickening, right? But that's not going to happen to you, Mitch.

use her for target practice If you were to fall in love with this girl, I would agree that you should be afraid of her rigidity and demands. But you're going to go out and practice on her. And that's all you're going to do. You're going to go out and have fun with Josie. Then you're going to run back home and read "The System." Afterwards you're going to go out with Josie again. When you stop learning from her, it's adios! Above all, don't allow your Interest Level to go up. If it starts to rise, you've got to drop this girl faster than McDonald's dropped Kobe Bryant. If you don't, you're going to have one nasty problem on your hands. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Be careful. Remember; you've only seen Josie with her clothes on ." You're dealing with a deadly serpent here, my friend. So you've got to be like one of those

charmers in India who plays the flute to lure the snake out of its basket, and make it spread its hood and dance without getting bitten. Because once you get bitten, you're dead. And it won't take long. Remember guys; never turn your back on a cobra.

Should You Take Her Back? Hey Doc, I knew and dated Shakira for about three years. A few months ago she was being totally disrespectful toward me by criticizing me, showing up late for dates, and even talking about other guys she might like to get to know. It got to be too much, so I decided not to take a beating and I walked out on her. It was hard because I still had feelings for her, but sometimes a guy has to do what a guy has to do. Now I'm confused about something. A few weeks later Shakira stopped by my office just to say hi and see what was going on with me. This seemed kind of strange to me, since she'd never done it before. I haven't even tried to talk to her since she did this, which was, by now, a couple of months ago. Recently, out of the blue, she e-mailed me, wondering how I'm doing and asking me to write her back. As I said earlier, this seemed weird to me since, in my experience, girls just don't do this sort of thing. So I e-mailed her back about a week later. She wrote back again, saying she was glad I contacted her and how much she missed my stories. She told me a bit about her life, and then asked for my input on what I think the name of her new band should be.

we have similar interests Again, Doc, this seems kind of unusual. I mean, we do have a lot in common: the same TV shows, the same taste in music, and we both play guitar. Doesn't this seem like kind of high Interest Level on her part, and pretty much out of nowhere? Am I mistaken about all this? Or did just letting Challenge build up work that well? Another thing, Doc; do you think I should make a move on Shakira and try to rekindle what we had? Ever since she initiated contact, I find myself drifting toward the past we had together. Thanks for reading this, Doc. Davis -- who wants to know if he has another shot

doc love's answer

Hi Davis, You're asking me for advice, right? How can you expect me to give it to you when you're so vague about the particulars? You say you've been with Shakira for about three years. What does "about" mean? Is it "about" 26 months or 38 months? I need to know exactly what we're dealing with here. Does a prosecutor ever go to trial without all the evidence? No. Remember that. Having all the pieces of the puzzle makes a big difference. You waited too long...

you should've left earlier Now let me ask you this. When your little Britney Spears look-alike started dissing you, why didn't you leave sooner? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "What's the matter with you, boy -- you got rocks in your head?" Why did you take all her abuse for so long? When you finally woke up and hit the bricks, it wasn't a matter of dignity on your part. You just got weary of the beatings she was dishing out. Sure, you had feelings for her. But if she looked like Oprah, a blind man would have left! And yes, there does come a point when a guy has to do what a guy as to do -- next time, though, do it way, way sooner! Now let me explain something to you, Davis. Shakira didn't just "stop by" to see what was going on with you. The reason she did it was because she wants you back -- so she can reject you . See, you beat her to the punch and got out first. It ticked her off. What you were supposed to do was stay and endure more of the beatings. That's what guys are programmed to do, right? And remember; a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do!

you were right on one front Now, it's good that you haven't tried to talk to Shakira. It's admirable that you've stayed away, though no doubt you were tempted a hundred times to go chasing after her like a chump. This girl didn't treat you with respect, and so you did the right thing -- the only thing you could do. So what it means is that you did one thing right so far. Let's hope you can make it two. Pal, take your head out of the sand. Of course girls do this sort of thing (get in touch with guys, that is) -- they do it all the time! Especially when you don't grovel like a worm. When you don't beg and plead with her to stay, get down and kiss her feet, and offer your house and some cheap jewelry, then they have to come back because they're wondering how you can live without their abuse. Unfortunately, this is just their bruised egos talking. And Challenge doesn't work on ego. Challenge works only on Interest Level . So yes, Shakira's appearance on the scene seems out of nowhere, but it's not indicative of high Interest Level. You just rubbed the poor baby's ego the wrong way. To you Psych majors, Challenge works on an Interest Level that's 51% or higher. Shakira's Interest Level is somewhere between 1% and 49%.

You need to get real... The name of your ex's new band should be "You Can't Go Back." Of course you and she have a lot of stuff in common. Except for one thing: your Interest Levels aren't both high. So what it boils down to in reality is that you have nothing in common. All this other stuff -- music, TV shows, etc. -- is superfluous. It doesn't mean a thing.

don't waste your time Buddy, let me try and save you some anguish here. Don't go making a move on Shakira. It's a waste of time. You've got to realize that it's definitely over with her. What you're going to do instead is play a little head game with her. You'll give her something back and throw out a little bait, just enough to lure her in. Then you'll really realize what a psycho-case you were in love with. Plus, you'll learn a lot more about women in general. So here's what you do. Ask Shakira to give you a call. When she does, tell her that your date is cooking a gourmet dinner in the kitchen for you and that you really can't talk now. Throw in that your little servant girl doesn't mean anything to you at all -- that she, Shakira, is the only one who counts. Give her a little smooch over the wire, then hang up. Every time Shakira calls, you're going to have a date over at your place, doing something for you. Count how many times she calls you. After five or six, ask her to get together. When she accepts the date, you're going to call her back and break it. You're going to be the first man in 6,000 years to ever break a date. Then you'll wait for her to phone you back again.

it's all about her ego But Davis, don't ever place yourself under the illusion that this Hilary Duff wannabe has high Interest Level in you. You two are just engaged in a battle of the egos. But with the head trips you're going to use, you'll be playing with her for once, and you'll be in control of what's going on. And, like I said before, you'll be shocked by what you learn about the opposite sex. And as far as the past goes, you're only remembering the good parts -- not the bad ones. Remember all the criticizing? The showing up late? The talk about other guys? Like Sal "The Fish" Love would put it, "Your relationship with Shakira should have been one date and fugget about it!" Remember guys; once you break up, you don't get another shot.

The Worst Dating Mistakes

Hey Doc, I've been wanting to write you and thank you for "The System." My buddies think I'm crazy for listening to your advice, but here we go. Several weeks ago my coworker Angela left the company we worked for and got another job. After a few weeks, she e-mailed me with her new work phone number and her home phone number and suggested we get together. I didn't set up a date for about two months and then called Angela on a Friday night for coffee. Bad move on my part, I now realize, but I was feeling desperate.

coffee and a kiss We went out to a nice coffee shop here in Ventura. After ordering, we sat down and talked. An hour later I stood up and said, "Let's go." She asked why, and I answered that we were going to a club. She was surprised, but took me up on the idea. We danced for a couple of hours and then I drove her home. On the way she said she had a good time and that she enjoyed herself. Once at her place, I jumped out of the car and opened her door. She said thanks, but before she got to her gate, I pulled her back for a kiss. At first she gave me her cheek, but when I went for her lips, she reciprocated.

things got negative I waited until the following Tuesday and asked her out for Thursday, for a sandwich and some pool after work. At the sandwich shop we had a good conversation going, but when we drove to the pool hall, it went awry. We started talking about some negative stuff -- why she left her job -- and this seemed to get her down. We did shoot a little pool and stayed out until 9:30, but it was strained. I drove her home and kissed her. She said she had fun and all was well -- or so I thought. I called Angela the next Tuesday and again invited her out, for Chinese food and drinks. She said no, and that she was busy. She didn't make a counteroffer. I haven't heard from her since, and that was a couple of weeks ago. Doc, I'm completely bummed. What did I do wrong? The relationship seemed to go south on the basis of that one lousy conversation. Is that possible? Do you think I should ask Angela out again? If so, how should I go about it? Stevie -- who's scratching his head over what he said wrong

doc love's answer Hi Stevie, If your buddies think you're crazy, this means you've been force-feeding them "The System." Only when they come to you in pain can you give them advice. But you're like a guy who suddenly doesn't drink anymore, and now he's seen the light and decides he's going to save the world. Your friends don't care and you waited way too long to contact this girl... Dude, nobody wants to hear it. And don't forget, they might not be "ex-alcoholics" like you. So what you have to do is spoon-feed this information to your friends. Until they've internalized it, Doc Love comes off as a ding-dong because they've all been brainwashed by the Feministas, and their fathers never taught them that when they're cooking soup they've got to stir it -- nice and slow.

what's up with two months? Now, on to Angela. Why in the world are you waiting two months to call this babe? If she's any kind of honey, there are going to be swarms of men buzzing around her. You've got to go by my guidelines, and the guidelines say you should move a little faster than George Clooney making a marriage proposal. Okay, so you were feeling desperate that Friday. But had you practiced Self-Control, which is an essential part of my methods, you would have said to yourself, "No, I'm not going to call Angela on a Friday night. I want her to think that I'm with my two models -- and not just gazing at their pictures in a magazine!" So you weren't paying close enough attention to my book. Remember; you have to memorize "The System." Nevertheless, up to this point you were actually doing pretty well. But do yourself a favor -stay out of the car . There should have been a dance band right there at the restaurant! I want you guys to drive her to and from one place only per date. That's the rule here. To you Psych majors, unless you're making out with a girl, the car is a no-man's land where Interest Level goes to die.

think she had fun? So, Angela said she enjoyed herself. Know what Sal "the Fish" Love would have said to that? "How much?" You should have pressed the issue a little, pal. Any time a female hands you a compliment, you have to poke around a bit to see if there's anything real behind it, or if she's just flirting and creating a little smokescreen. Don't take what she says at face value. Learn to go beneath the surface like a love detective.

Sounds like you forced Angela into that first kiss, Stevie. Jeez, was that ever politically incorrect! A girl tells you no, and you plow ahead anyway? And a smooch , no less! Pretty heavy, man. If Angela were a doctoral candidate in women's studies or the history of feminism at some hoity-toity ladies' college, you would have gotten 20 years in the slammer. Count yourself lucky, man! But she still went out with you again...

she still saw you again But you made it to date No. 2 anyway. That was the good part. The bad part is that you're driving around in your car with Angela again. Maybe you need to get a job as a chauffeur. You should have made the pool hall and sandwich shop a one-stop deal. Now, as for the so-called negative talk that sank your boat -- this is why God made girlfriends, Stevie. He made them so that they could listen to all this wah-wah, sob-sister stuff. I got news for you: Talking about losing jobs is not romantic. Crying over all the stuff that went wrong in her life does not raise Interest Level. So let's get off it and learn how to take control of the conversation and change the subject when it gets into the danger area.

you shoulda stayed positive Listen, all you geniuses: make sure you talk about something positive or funny. And Stevie, what you should have done was read Angela's body language earlier. If she starts to seem a little tired, or glances at her watch, or yawns, or looks around the room, it's time to cut the date short. Your tryst with Angela should never have fallen into the "strained" zone. You should have gotten out of there a lot sooner. And you should have driven her home and not kissed her. If she's not all over you, don't try and force the issue. Why give her the satisfaction of turning you down? And if you want a little advanced advice -- pressuring a gal is a form of begging. You don't want to be a slavering dog, do you? As Brother Love would say, "My man, where is your dignity? Where is your pride?" After that little disaster, you called her way too soon. I think I'm going to dub you the King of the Telephone Blunders.

the phone fiasco

What did you do wrong, you ask? This might sound real strange, but you actually lowered Angela's Interest Level by your deportment. It's not possible to blow a relationship on one conversation, but that's what your ego wants you to believe. Should you ask Angela out again? Tell you what -- you'd have better luck buying a Powerball ticket. Remember guys; it's a series of mistakes that takes you out of the game.

Is "Hitch" A Real Date Doctor? Hey Doc, Recently I took in the film Hitch starring Will Smith, and while I found it enjoyable enough to sit through -- mostly because of the bombshell actress Eva Mendes, who plays his love interest, Sara -- I found myself scratching my head when it was over. In fact, I thought to myself, Did I just see another Hollywood fairy tale? Doc, I have so many questions about what Hitch did in the movie that I hardly know where to start. So I guess I'll just start. First of all, do "surprise" presents work on women? When Hitch sent those walkie-talkies to Sara, I got a queasy feeling in my gut. If anything, a move like that might make a woman feel sort of trapped, wouldn't it? But then he said something like, "You can sweep any woman off her feet if you have the right broom." Regarding kissing, is it true that the first kiss tells all for a woman? What about that whole nonsense about the woman "fiddling" with her keys at the end of the night if she really wants to kiss you? Finally, how about that thing where the guy should move 90% in and let her move in the last 10%? I don't know, Doc, but it seemed a little hokey to me.

is anyone out of my league? Something else that struck me was that the heiress fell for and married Albert (played by Kevin James). It sort of gave me hope that I could maybe score a big-time model like Gisele Bundchen or a wealthy babe like Paris Hilton. But on the other hand, I don't want to make a fool of myself. What's your take, Doc? Can total losers like most of us guys really hit the jackpot? When Hitch moved into the area of love doctors, I didn't know what to think. Doc, would you ever turn down money from your clients? I don't know if you make as much money as Hitch does, but I have to assume you guys take on all comers. Doc, I hope women don't hate you as much as they hated Hitch! If they do, I hope for your sake you're making truckloads of money! Maybe most surprising of all was that in the end, after being in control of his emotions, Hitch ended up completely losing it and throwing himself at Sara's feet. How about it, Doc? Should

you ever reveal to a girl that she really hurt you, as well as all your weaknesses? Should you ever break down, leap on the roof of her car and confess undying love like he did? Whenever I've done that stuff, the girl made me feel like even more of an idiot and blew me off. But maybe I just didn't say the right things. Is it true that we only get one shot with a woman?

it all seemed unrealistic There were a couple of other things, too. Like does a woman's best friend have to approve of you? Finally -- and don't laugh -- should guys really get their backs waxed? Isn't that a little too "girly"? I'm sorry to make this letter so long, but like I said, I'm curious to hear what you have to say. Burton -- who doesn't want to follow the wrong dating coach So who's the real expert here? Find out...

doc love's answer Hi Burton, First of all, I dug the movie more than you did. In certain scenes, Hitch was great, especially when that Wall Street sleaze-bucket wanted to take advantage of a woman and Hitch put his head on the table and moaned, "I'm not about that!" For me, that was the high point of the film. In other words, the date doctor was all about the long-term and being respectful toward women, which is the way it should be. (And by the way, Will Smith really impressed me. He's a top-flight actor. Romantic comedy is all he should do, because that's what makes him the best.) Now, I want you guys to give presents to your women. But the Reality Factor says that guys give them way too fast, they give too many, and the gifts are too expensive. Giving things to your wife is great, but not when she's nagging. And the implication in Hitch is that gifts raise Interest Level -- that was the worst part, because they don't. Like my cousin Brother Love would say, "Love might be for rent, but it's not for sale!" What most women would have done with those walkie-talkies Hitch sent gift-wrapped to Sara is call FedEx immediately and ship the package right back out, and he'd have it the next morning! What Hitch said wasn't true -- you can't sweep any woman off her feet with the right broom.

the kiss can seal the deal On the other hand, it is true that the first kiss does tell it all for a woman. But the way Hitch put it was a half-truth. He gave you good advice and lousy advice, and unless you've

memorized The Dating Dictionary, you won't know which is which. For instance, that nonsense about fiddling with her keys. At least some of the time, the woman is stalling by not heading straight into her house -- because she's trying to prime the pump and tell this idiot to give her a big smack on the lips! In any type of stalling technique, that would be the principle at work. By the same token, the "90/10" approach could go either way. If you looked at this situation from the standpoint of Challenge, you'd say to yourself, "I'm going to get real close to her, but I'm not going to kiss her." What you'd actually be thinking is, "She has to kiss me because I stop at the 90-yard line and she's moving forward out of the end zone." But on the whole, I like Hitch's 90/10 kiss theory. Regarding Fat Albert the CPA snagging the heiress, it can happen. You can score the likes of a Nicky Hilton or a Tyra Banks. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "All you have to do is be a bodyguard or chauffeur for some wealthy family, study "The System," and with time the heiress will go gaga for you." But 99% of the time, no, it doesn't happen. Because celebrities hang with celebrities, the rich hang with the rich, and so forth. You have to worm your way into the inner circle for that to work. As good-looking as the heiress in the movie was, lots of hunky guys were interested in her. So the real credibility problem I had was that Al was fat . All you read and hear about today is the dangers of obesity. The first thing that boy should do is lose some weight! Then what happened in the film would have been more believable. Doc tells you who the real losers are...

what is a loser? Burton, when you use the word "loser" here, it's a bit loaded. Let's say there are 100 keys to handling women. And let's say most guys know how to use 66%, or two-thirds, of them, but that most of these fellas don't know that 34% of their ammo is Challenge. If a guy comes to me knowing a little bit about women -- even, say, 20 to 25 things out of the 100 -- I can build on that with time. And under the right circumstances, he can win that "10." Like I said, the problem is that he has to run in their crowd. If you knew my techniques and Trump invited you over to his party, well, you'd have a shot. But if a guy's not Confident and he has no Self-Control, then he is a loser. And there are certain guys you're just not going to be able to help, no matter what, because they won't take coaching.

my cash flow So, you want to know what's in my bank account, huh? I do phone coaching, and if I wanted to, I could run the bill up for 10 hours. But I don't. That's not me. I'm a straight shooter. "That's all I can give you," I tell a guy, and I cut it. When it's over, it's over. I don't believe in bleeding a man to death. That's what divorce lawyers are for -- it's to their advantage to stretch the whole process out. And that's what I'm here to help you guys avoid at all costs -- divorce, and the need for those sharks in the expensive suits. Unfortunately, pal, there are some women who hate my guts -- they're called Feministas, Mercenaries, Gold Diggers, and women who can't carry their own weight. It's my job to help you avoid falling into their clutches, too.

hitch was also flawed When Hitch lost it over Sara, his Interest Level was up too high, in the 90s. It shouldn't have been. He should have said to himself, "I'm not going to call her. I'm not going to say anything wildly emotional or press her because she told me she doesn't want to see me. If it's meant to be, she'll call me for some reason after she cools off, and we'll get back together." When a girl's mad at you, that's not the time to try and deal with her. And to add to the mess, Hitch begs ... and guys who've read my book know how I feel about begging. Does telling a woman you're wounded raise her Interest Level? What do you think? Remember; negatives play to the heart, but they don't keep it. Being a blubbering weakling only works on Oprah . Now if Hitch had leapt on Sara's car as a joke, if he could have had fun with it, made a cartoon out of it and got her to laugh, he might have pulled it off. But she knew he was dying inside. He did it from a begging place, not from a humorous place. Guys, if girls blow you off for doing stuff like that, then you were out already -- you were already blown off. And yes, you only get one shot with a girl per lifetime.

maintenance is not feminine Finally, it can only help if a girl's best friend approves of you. And by all means have your back waxed. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Anything that makes you look better or cleaner or taller or thinner or richer or brightens your teeth -- go for it!" It's called selfimprovement -- not "girly." Burton, you wrote a good critique of Hitch , but you've got more studying to do.

Remember guys; you must use "The System" as your basis for judging any information out there regarding dating and love, and if you don't, may the good Lord protect you.

Going After A Desperate Housewife Hey Doc, I stumbled on your website and "The System" when I was surfing around the Net looking for dating advice. I'm in a state of indecision here. Maybe you can help me out.

the suburbian housewife I moved out of New York City to a Long Island suburb about a year ago. (I'm divorced and in my 40s and got tired of the hectic life in Manhattan after many years. I date sporadically, but nothing steady.) Directly across the street lived a family that included two adolescent kids. We were friendly, but only in passing. The one person in the family who made an impression on me was the wife, whose name is Alexis. She's strikingly attractive -- slim, leggy and athletic, basically everything I dig in a woman as far as looks go. In the warm weather she ran around the front yard in skimpy outfits, sometimes a bikini, and - and I'm ashamed to admit this -- I pulled out my binoculars once or twice for a better look. But since she was married, I put her out of my mind. One morning back in the late summer, a moving van pulled up to Alexis' house and the movers began taking out furniture and other items, and stuffing them into the truck. It turned out that Alexis and her husband Bill were splitting up. Here was my chance.

she left him I've not seen Alexis dating at all since her husband moved out. He comes around to pick up the kids, and as far as I can tell, their separation is amicable. When I asked about it once, she just said, "I'm doing great, but I wish that Bill would move on. The divorce will be final in a matter of weeks." Anyway, now that she's legally free, I want to ask Alexis out, but I'm not sure exactly how to do it. She's always very friendly to me, but our conversations never go beyond the mundane. What would you suggest that I do? How do I get across that I'm interested in her as more than a neighbor?

what if she disses me?

But see, Doc, I'm a little concerned that if I say something like, "Hey, how about dinner and a movie," she might say no and then there I am, the loser neighbor across the street, know what I mean? Just the same, it seems a complete shame for a gorgeous available woman to go to waste when I'm in the market. Any suggestions as to how I might make my move? Grant -- who's never been faced with something like this

doc love's answer Hi Grant, Well, as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "There's a little bit of the voyeur in all of us!" But you've got to ask yourself something, pal -- why is this babe running around three quarters naked in her front yard where every guy on the block can have a gander at her? She wanted you to see her... If she was just doing it in her backyard that would be one thing, because nobody would see her -- assuming that she has a fence, of course. But doing the "Baywatch shimmy" in full view of the entire neighborhood indicates that we might have an exhibitionist on our hands here. So is this habit of hers something, or is it nothing at all? Maybe Alexis belongs on Desperate Housewives .

she became the hot divorcee When the moving van rolled up that day to haul hubby's belongings off, you must have been doing cartwheels, my friend. So here was your shot, and it was all the better because it looked to you like there was no animosity between the principals involved. There wasn't going to be any irate ex-spouse marching across the street and punching you in the nose for trying to move in on his territory. But the fact is, you don't really know that Alexis' divorce is amicable. Just because Bill is friendly and easygoing when he reports for babysitting duty, doesn't mean squat. Behind closed doors he and Alexis might be going at it like a pair of light-heavyweights. To you Psych majors, appearances -- especially when it comes to marriage and divorce -- can be very deceiving. So you don't really have any idea what kind of divorce this is, Grant. And I got news for you. Most divorces aren't amicable -- unless, of course, they involve Hollywood celebrities. You

know what the stars always say: "We'll always remain the best of friends, and we're really committed to each other." (Yeah, sure. That's why they're already dating other people and living 3,000 miles apart! Ask Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt how that whole scene works.)

never talk about other guys Guy, what are you doing blabbing with Alexis about her ex? I've told you guys again and again not to talk to a woman about other men. And I've also told you not to yak about serious stuff. So why in the world are you discussing her marital situation? Sounds like you didn't pay close attention to "The System," man. What you need to do is get my book and memorize it from cover to cover. (P.S. Keep your mouth shut about things that can only mean trouble.) She lost interest in him, don't let it happen to you... There is one simple reason why Alexis and her husband didn't make it -- because she has low Interest Level in the guy. That's the story in a nutshell. You should have never gotten on to that topic. Your job is to be the clown. Your job is to keep it light and funny. You are not supposed to be Dr. Phil and you are not supposed to talk about heavy subjects when you're trying to get something going. That's how guys always screw up. Here's what I suggest you do. Now pay close attention because it's really, really complicated. Go up to Alexis and say, "What's your home phone number?"

present a challenge Now dude, the thing you don't want to get across to Alexis is that you're interested in her as more than a neighbor. What you want to get across is that you might be interested in her as more than a neighbor. That's what Challenge is. I want you to confuse her. Guys, the No. 1 rule in relationships is that you have to figure out the woman's Interest Level. So just smile and ask for the home phone number, and you'll find out. Grant, there's nothing wrong with asking for a date. You'd just be closing too soon if you ran straight across the street and asked her out, that's all. Because you're going to wait a week to call -- intrigue her, like I said. So don't go pulling the trigger too soon.

don't be so insecure And you're not a loser. Far from it. You're a winner for putting yourself forward in the first place. In the long run, it's not whether Alexis goes out with you.

You had the guts to ask for the order, that's what counts here. And if Alexis says no because, say, she doesn't care for the way you look or your personality, well then, you two are just neighbors and that's the end of it. And from then on you act like nothing whatsoever happened. You smile, and you're always cordial, and that's that. No harm done. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Remember guys; after you're through telling her your corny jokes, remember to ask for the home phone number.

Should You Tell One Woman About The Other? Hey Doc, I don't imagine you get many letters from men as old as me, and maybe "The System" doesn't apply to guys in my situation, but here goes anyway. I am in my 70s, retired, widowed for five years, and have no attachments -- until recently. Now I may have too many. On a group tour to Las Vegas last fall, I met woman No. 1, Meredith, and we immediately felt a mutual attraction, spent a lot of time together on the tour and even became quite romantic by the time the excursion was over. She lives rather far away -- in the Midwest, while I live in California -- and we have talked weekly on the phone since our return to our homes and plan another trip together in the spring. Meredith is liberal and broadminded, and has suggested that our relationship is not full-time but for only when we meet on our trips. Now, out of the blue, comes woman No. 2. Cassandra and I actually met 18 months ago on another group tour, sat together for some meals, and have exchanged the occasional e-mail since. We did not get romantically close, as I did with Meredith. Last week, Cassandra sent me a greeting card and asked if I would be interested in joining her -- in "separate rooms" -- for a group tour to some mutually chosen place later this year. Perhaps foolishly I e-mailed back an agreement and now there have been a flurry of possible destinations back and forth.

here's my problem But Doc, suddenly I am worried. I don't want to risk losing either of these two wonderful women, and so I am afraid of telling one about the other. If my relationship with Cassandra looked like it was becoming deeper, I would not be morally able to handle both of them

simultaneously. So my question is this -- how much should I tell one woman about the other? This might seem to be something of an old-fashioned question to ask, but it's important to me. I thank you for your consideration and hope you can help. Andy -- who can't believe he's in the position at his age

doc love's answer Hi Andy, Actually, I get letters from lots of men in their 70s and 80s. Once I even got a letter from a fellow who was 92 and having a tough time making up his mind about which of four women he should take on a cruise to Hawaii. So heck, you're still a kid. It's her attraction for you that counts, Hef...

if hugh can do it... And what's great about you guys is that you're still breathing, walking, talking, and you still love women! One thing I know about you, Andy, is that you're not over the hill! And keep this in mind -- when you can say you have too many attachments with a straight face, you know you're in heaven. So count your blessings. I appreciate your telling me about your mutual attraction with Meredith. But what you really should be looking at is her attraction to you -- only , because "The System" stresses the reality that your attraction toward her doesn't mean anything . Don't get me wrong, guys; I want you to like the girl, but don't ever forget that the most important number in the equation is her Interest Level in you . I'm shocked that Meredith doesn't want a full-time relationship with you. Are you telling me she just wants to use you for your body? Is that what's really going on here? In that case, I would just tell her that you're a churchgoing man and don't believe in that kind of stuff. You're nobody's boy toy. (In the meantime, keep her on the line. She sounds like a lot of fun.)

you're the master Before we get to your major question, Andy, let me just point out something great that's going on here and that all you guys should pay close attention to. You're really working these tours like a pro. Some guys go to yoga class, some guys get online, some guys take cooking classes, and some guys climb mountains with the Sierra Club.

I always tell you guys that you have to find something you're good at if you want to meet women , and my man, you're the master of the tour buses. Congratulations to you. You've found what works for you. That's one of the keys to becoming a winner with the girls -- and much older girls, too. Now, let's get to the heart of the matter. Buddy, you don't have to risk losing either of these two wonderful messengers of love from above. And you know what? We're going to help you snag woman No. 3 and No. 4! Because you need the practice. And you have to exhaust all the possibilities before you get the right one. So why in the world would you tell one about the other? Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Do you think James Bond would ever do that in one of his movies?" You know the answer as well as I do. Then why would you even think about doing it? (And remember, you and Sean Connery are the same age!) If I gave you a million bucks, would you be able to handle two women at the same time then? To you Psych majors, you tell one woman zero about the other. Yours isn't an old-fashioned question, Andy -- it's a brainwashed question. Turn off Oprah and all the other female love doctors who don't have men's best interests at heart. I'm the only love doctor out there who's looking out for the boys .

women aren't honest Here's something to chew on: when do women tell you about their other boyfriends? When it suits them , right? When their Interest Level is on its way south of the Tropic of Cancer, right? Hasn't it dawned on you that Meredith has a reason for insisting that your relationship be kept part-time only? Don't be a sap, Andy. You've got too much going for you. So have a good time on your trip to Branson -- or New Orleans, or Chicago, or wherever you end up going -- with Cassandra. And you don't have to fret about her getting her hands on you because you'll be in separate rooms. Remember guys; if you're breathing, there's hope.

Do All Women Leave Men For The Same Reason? Hey Doc, There's an issue I haven't seen discussed in any of your previous articles or "The System." It's in regard to the marital decline in Hollywood. Let's take for example the recent news of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's recent separation, which has made headlines.

Obviously these are two very highly regarded Hollywood stars. They seemed to be on the verge of overcoming the odds and doing the unthinkable, which is to be one of those rare couples making it through the busy schedules and distractions and pressures that come with being in the spotlight. But as we've seen, it wasn't meant to be, although they've been together almost five long years. Unfortunately their romance is officially over, which isn't, I guess, much of a surprise, since this is a common occurrence in the lives of actors and actresses.

jen must have rejected brad Now they've mutually decided to "formally separate," as they declared in their statement. But I remember you mentioned that women are responsible for doing the dumping the vast majority of the time. That's when it struck me that Jennifer Aniston had to be the one who broke it off. She was spotted at the airport without her wedding ring, and she even forgot to mention her husband's name when speaking at an awards ceremony, things which seem to have indicated trouble. One source stated, "She has been resisting having a child for a number of reasons. One was her career. Also, she wanted to make sure that (the marriage) would last. There was a little doubt that crept in. He was much more interested in having a child. I think it was Jen that broke it off. He was a half-step behind her." So it appears that her Interest Level must have sunk to the bottom if she called it quits. It's hard to believe that a man like Brad Pitt with his good looks and fame, which most women would die for, could get kicked into the gutter. Which raises the following questions:  Is Interest Level the key reason female Hollywood stars give up on their relationships?  Does Interest Level apply to them as it would to the average woman?  Why is it that these Hollywood couples can't make it through thick and thin?  Why are they constantly breaking up and divorcing? I would love to hear your comments on this. Bruce -- who can't understand what's going on

doc love's answer

Hi Bruce, Not only did Brad and Jennifer's separation make headlines, but Us Weekly and People magazines' circulation was up over 40% that week. All of which shows the level of interest we have in the personal lives of celebrities. Why did Jen really leave? But let me tell you something. All the trappings of fame -- schedules, career demands, public appearances, etc. -- is heavy stuff to have working against you when you're trying to make a go of something as fragile as a marriage. So what you're pointing out here, Bruce, is very important. Judging by the amount of time Brad and Jen actually spent together on account of all the pressures, maybe they had almost five very short years together!

divorce to the stars On the other hand, the divorce rate of the stars isn't any higher than the rate for the average population. But celebrities make headlines with their breakups because, as my Uncle Jethro Love says, "We don't give a hoot for the problems of Johnny who works down at the Shell station." What's funny about Brad and Jennifer though is that after almost five years of not being able to decide what to do together -- like have a baby -- they're going to do things "mutually" now that they're going their separate ways! Like Rabbi Love says, "Whenever I hear the word 'mutual,' I know it really means 'hate' and 'daggers'!" So, Jennifer was spotted without her wedding ring? That about says it all, my man! To you Psych majors, do women with high Interest Level ever take their wedding rings off? Doesn't it make more sense that those gals whose Interest Level hits 49% will take theirs off instead?

she forgot him on purpose Jennifer "forgot" to mention her husband's name at the awards ceremony on purpose, pal. Along the same lines, I recently read an interview with Faith Hill where she talked about what she loves to do when she's not working -- being home, playing with her kids, puttering around the yard, etc. But in eight long sentences to that question she never once mentioned her husband . Wonder how long that marriage will last? As a love doctor, these are the types of things that I'm looking for to take the temperature of a marriage. Rather than be brainwashed by what you read, these are the types of things you guys have to be looking for, too.

When you mention this "source" who knows all about Jennifer and Brad's marital woes, remember what Judge Joe Brown says about hearsay -- it doesn't cut it. Sure, maybe there's a little something to the various reasons cited for the breakup. It all comes down to one thing... Like, for instance, Jennifer didn't fancy having a baby on the set with her and having to mess with dirty diapers (not that she'd actually do the nappy-changing). But the only reason that really counts is, like the Reality Factor says, that the woman's Interest Level is the single most important element in a relationship -- period. And it may be hard to believe that Brad Pitt could be dumped, but at the end of the day his underwear is dirty too, just like every other guy's out there. His alleged fling with Angelina Jolie came long after Jennifer had had it with him.

it's all about interest So yes, Interest Level is the top reason female stars give up on their relationships -- assuming she didn't marry the guy to advance her career, which of course is practically unheard of in Hollywood. (Yeah, right! Check out Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg. Or Catherine ZetaJones and Michael Douglas. Or Roseanne and Tom Arnold, for that matter.) Amen, Bruce. You hit the nail on the head -- Interest Level does apply to celebrities, just as it does to the average woman. Remember that "The System" cuts across geographical, religious, sociological, and cultural lines. It even trumps Fame.

don't rush into marriage So, guy, you want to know what accounts for Hollywood's failure when it comes to marriage? No. 1, celebrities get married way too fast. They don't know the girl 15 minutes before they're running down to the jeweler for a rock the size of Rhode Island. (Of course that doesn't apply to Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson -- they knew each other for two whole days!) They should really date someone for at least two years before they get married. But it never happens. No. 2, there's no balance in their relationships. For the marriage to have a chance of lasting, the woman shouldn't be in the industry. She should be a schoolteacher, or work at the credit union. She should have a good job that fulfills her, but it should be completely unrelated to show business or the limelight. That way the people involved won't have those nasty ego clashes that happen when they're by themselves and comparing careers. A man and a woman need space and only two or three things in common to make a relationship work. That's why Joanne Woodward never lost interest in Paul Newman -- she has no interest in racing cars or salad dressing!

The reason that Peter Jennings got married four times, and let's not forgot our pill-popping Rush Limbaugh, who's about to get hitched for a fourth time, is because they don't have "The System" to guide them. Remember guys; the movie star and the girl behind the register at the supermarket both leave you for the same reason -- low Interest Level.

Should Guys Use A Matchmaker? Hey Doc, I don't know if you're aware of the new trend of men using professional matchmakers to find their mate, but I wanted your opinion on this growing phenomenon. There was a big article on these (female) operators in a major magazine recently, and I began wondered if I should sign on and see what they could do for me. I actually fit the profile of the type of man they service -- I'm Ivy League-educated, wealthy, and much too busy with my career to actually go out and hunt down dates. I'm afraid of using the Internet to find dates because lots of those women are crazy, and amazingly enough, I haven't had much success there anyway. Maybe women don't care for enormously successful men. So Doc, here's what these matchmakers do, generally speaking. They charge exorbitant amounts of money, around 20 grand for the "initiation" fee, plus another grand for a yearly membership to get you rolling (and they expect a marriage "bonus" if it comes to that), with no guarantee of success, I might add. But from what I've read, it seems that they do a good job for guys. They work on their "intuition" to set you up on dates with the right woman and they insist on total control (in other words, you don't have a say in who you date, you can't even see pictures, and you have to accept the matchmaker's choice). They run a background check on you, visit your home, and have an "image consultant" inspect your wardrobe and make you over if necessary. They strictly screen out the gold diggers and naggers from their pool of available women, who are all upscale types. In other words, they pretty much do everything for you.

a different concept They also have an interesting philosophy. They tell you that you should already be married or re-married (in the event that you're divorced), and they believe that people should stay within their "tribes" for a mate. It's a very traditional approach and almost Old-World. I suppose at this stage of my life, I find that somewhat appealing.

To be honest with you, I haven't had the best luck with women in my life, Doc, and, at 40 years old, I often wonder why I haven't been able to find the right one. There is something very enticing about the idea of putting myself into a matchmaker's hands after all the futility of trying to do it by myself. What do you think? Should I go for it? Do you see any downside, aside from the lightning of my bank account? Cummings -- who doesn't want to be a desperado

doc love's answer Hi Cummings, Yes, I do know about these people. As a lifelong practitioner in the areas of dating and love, I make it a point to stay on top of everything that's going on out there. In fact, one of my good friends in Los Angeles laid out $5,000 for the service, in which the matchmaker guaranteed him a certain amount of dates. But my buddy didn't do too well. When the contract was up, he came away empty-handed. But let me emphasize that this was only the experience of one guy -- I'm not out to rip the entire practice. This guy's got it all wrong...

it's not the internet's fault Now let's talk about those wacky cyberspace women. Sure, lots of gals cruising the Internet are crazy. But guess where they come from? The planet Earth -- where you happen to be standing right now. So don't put down the Internet, like Bill O'Reilly does. Being a weirdo is not an Internet problem -- it's just a problem that some women have. The point is that you have to find a good woman, period, and there are many great ones out there. Like my cousin Brother Love says, "You gotta separate the wheat from the chaff." I have another surprise for you. Women do care for enormously successful men. But you Masters of the Universe have to be able to back your success up with other things -- like Confidence, Self-Control and Challenge. Without those strength qualities, I don't care how many oil wells you own in Texas or how many skyscrapers you've built in New York City -she's going to make you miserable. Remember this: when Johnny Carson died, his wife (No. 4, by the way) was hanging out in another city.

it's worth it if...

Now guy, if a high-priced matchmaker can get you hitched to a good one, it's worth every penny she takes from you -- in fact, she's under paid. But remember my caveat -- if she produces . And remember this, too: success is not getting and marrying a girl. Anybody can do that; even Mini Me. Success is keeping her in high Interest Level heaven . Otherwise, it doesn't matter what the matchmaker comes up with. Of course these matchmakers do a good job of getting you dates, Cummings! Because the guy -- the guy like you -- doesn't know his butt from his BlackBerry about women and he has to keep coming back for more. After the breakup or divorce, he's crawling back to Ms. Marriage Broker to find him another girl. It's called built-in repeat business. If you're going to drop all your hard-earned dough on this thing, you better know what you're doing going in. Check out the equipment our boys are carrying in Iraq today -- they have to know how to use the gadgets before they actually use them, right? Because like General Love would say, "Dating is war!" So, she's going to fix you up with the "right woman." But just who is the right woman in reality? She's a Flexible Giver . That's what you're supposed to ask the matchmaker for, not some fantasy girl. But you're not going to know enough to do this because you haven't memorized The Dating Dictionary. Accepting the matchmaker's choice for you is okay, as far as it goes. It's like a guarantee that she'll get you to the 50-yard line. But she's not necessarily looking for a good girl with a Flexible attitude. So, buyer, beware . You should know everything about her, even what her back account looks like...

know her career path By the way, are you going to be privy to what your new blind date brings down per year? She'll know what you make, right? Well, don't you want to know her job record over the past five years? You better find out whether she's been on "hellfare" or working at the local topless joint before you go down on your knees with your five-carat diamond. Blissful blindness works only up to a certain point. Again, let the buyer beware. The makeover and image consultant are wise ideas. Most guys don't know how to dress and their apartments look like hell, so that's a good call. But the question is, will you stay madeover and spit-shined? If so, fantastic. But if you go back to being the same old Cummings, what's the point? If your matchmaker can truly weed out the gold diggers and naggers, you ought to give her a hundred grand rather than just 20K. But what she can't do for you is guarantee one critical element: Chemistry .

Can a matchmaker truly guarantee that certain spark that floats your boat? And, more importantly, the woman's ? To you Psych majors, only if the woman's Interest Level is 51% does it have the potential to rise. And remember too that it's only her Interest Level that really counts.

you've got nothing to lose Telling you that you should be married or re-married is a half-truth. If you're not truly psychologically ready to deal with a woman, the matchmaker could tell you that you should bathe in canola oil every night and it would amount to the same thing. As for sticking with the tribe, it's generally true that it's better if you have lots of things in common from a social standpoint. The problem is that it doesn't always work out anyway. Actors and entertainers have lots in common, don't they? Check out their divorce rate. Every single day Catholics break up with Catholics they grew up around the corner from. So what's the solution? You're going to have to find a Flexible Giver to overcome the odds, like I said before. (And yes, an Old-World philosophy is appealing. So go for it, Cummings. You've got the money and you're going nowhere in a hurry anyway at 40.) Pal, I can tell you haven't had the best luck with women from your letter. You're being redundant. You'd better get "The System" and read it a few times. You've got a lot of work to do, Cummings. Because you've already met the right one, but you didn't even know it. What's more, you couldn't have kept her anyway. But don't take it personally. When you put yourself in the matchmaker's hands, tell her you want somebody ugly and short. I guarantee you're going to be successful and you'll get your money's worth. So what do I think you should do? Gee, buddy, I'm about ready to look for a 10-story building to jump off. Are you sure you've read at least one of my columns? Money isn't the issue here. The issue is this: are you going to do the right things to make her stay if you do get set up with someone incredible? Remember guys; if you want to go "dating" for a potential lifelong partner, you'd better do your homework first.

Dating A Coworker Hey Doc, I've read "The System," become acquainted with all your principles, and been an avid

follower of your columns for more than a year now. The least that I can say is that you've changed my life! You have completely turned me around from being a wussy, pushover, over-complimenting boyfriend to a man with a backbone. You have taught me to truly be more like a man and have the same confidence with women that I have in every other part of my life, as well as shown me what women are actually attracted to. But in my journey through your work, I don't think you have ever really covered the following case, which happens to be mine.

it's a long-term thing It seems like all the love doctors out there always teach you how to deal with women you have just met or how to deal with them after you've gotten a date. But how about the women you've known for a while -- not the women you've necessarily been friends with or hung out with, but the ones you've not applied "The System"'s principles toward? Here's my situation: I've worked with Aisha for just over two years. We see each other daily, but sometimes don't even chat if we're in a quick meeting. I have never complimented her nor been a wuss around her, but it is likely that she already has a preconceived notion of who I am and who I'm likely to date. I've just recently become attracted to her but don't know if it is possible to make the transition from "working acquaintance" to "boyfriend."

i got her digits I already have Aisha's home phone number and e-mail through our job, but how can I begin interacting with her so she becomes attracted to me, and how can I change her idea of who I am? Now it's not that I have turned her off in any way, it's more that she probably would never think I would be interested in her in the first place, and I already know from casual conversations around the office that we have slightly different tastes. From her end of things, my interest in her would be completely unexpected, to say the least! I hope you can help me, Doc! Any tips on how to deal with this dilemma will be greatly appreciated. Mohammad -- a true believer in Doc Love

doc love's answer Hi Mohammad,

First of all, thanks for the compliments. It's always nice to know that I've brought out the best in a fellow. I'm happy that I've made you more manly, and like you said, a guy can be Donald Trump or Larry King in other areas of his life, but when it comes to women, if he's not hitting, or if he can't figure out why they're always dumping him, then he doesn't really know what's going on. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Men who really understand women never get rejected, because they always leave first." Build yourself up before making the move... The reason all the other love doctors try and teach you how to deal with gals you've just met is because that happens to be the case 98% of the time.

you built credit But the good part of your particular situation is that if a woman -- Aisha, in your case -- has been around you for a long time and does have feelings for you, you get a lot of credit built up in your account. On your first date with her you're basically really on your third date. Why? Because you've been working Challenge -- unbeknownst to yourself -- by hanging back, being a mystery, even though you really paid no attention to her because you just weren't interested at the time. And by the way, what do you see in Aisha now that you didn't see before, Mo? This is very curious. Where are you coming from, man? Have you figured out what it is you're really up to here?

don't be a fool Now, as to your fears that Aisha might be nursing preconceived notions about you, remember that it's still just guesswork on her part. But whoa, guy, hold on here. Going from "working acquaintance to boyfriend" is a big leap. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It's like you're in a high school stage play and now all of a sudden you want to be shooting a movie with Angelina Jolie!" So what you're going to do instead is go from colleague to clown. Because like my Uncle Jethro Love likes to put it, "If you ain't actin' the clown, you're gonna be the fool!" So you're going to make this girl laugh every time she sees you, and you're going to do it over a two- to three-month period. I want this girl trying to get next to you because she just can't resist your sparkling humor. I want her touching your arm and gently bumping into you. But the most important thing to remember is this; you've got to look for buying signals. You've got to check whether Aisha's eyes light up like bulbs on a Christmas tree when she sees you as time goes on.

Ask for her number, don't just call her up...

you have to ask for it Eventually you're going to have to ask Aisha for her home phone number, buddy. But since you work with her and are forced to see each other every day, let's see how many times you can make this honey giggle first. Now remember; you don't touch Aisha's phone number or e-mail through the job -- that's strictly off-limits. Otherwise you're a stalker. And another thing -- if it doesn't work out because she has a bad attitude, you're going to have to see her over and over, day after day, and she'll be giving you dirty looks because you dropped her. So be aware of what you're getting yourself into here. You've heard the warning a million times before: "Be careful of crapping where you eat."

two-word breakdown If you were to ask me if I could distill all my writings -- books, CDs, columns (I've never once missed a Thursday in all the years I've been writing it!) -- down to two words, which sounds impossible, they would be Challenge and Humor . If you guys could remember those words, you'd hold the two main keys to women. And every time you say or do anything when it comes to the opposite sex, those two words better be operating, otherwise you're going to be lowering Interest Level. I don't know why you keep saying Aisha wouldn't suspect that you're interested in her. Instead, what we want is for her to be guessing, "I wonder if he likes me or not?" Because don't forget that it's the woman's Interest Level we have to pay attention to -- not yours. Yours doesn't matter worth a damn. Are you sure you read "The System"? Maybe you need to read it a few more times.

avoid the blockers Regarding those "casual conversations," gosh, I hope you're not talking to the other people around the office too much. I smell a rat here -- and that rat is a blocker . A blocker will do anything to mess you up. In fact, you might be talking to a whole office full of potential blockers here, dude. Why take the chance flapping your lip? It's great if you're sucking in all kinds of information about Aisha. But I hope you're not

giving any out about yourself, unless it's very general, as in "I like Bill O'Reilly and I like to breathe!"

find out what's up So, Mo, it's the crucial moment when you ask this babe for her home phone number that's going to tell the story -- whether she's interested or not interested, if she's got a boyfriend, if she's engaged, if she thinks you're Superman or the devil. Spending too much time playing cop in all the wrong areas doesn't get you anywhere, and that's what you're doing here. You're on the wrong road, brother. And as the Chinese proverb goes, "Grasshopper, there's no use in traveling on the wrong road -- especially if you're in a hurry, like most men." Remember guys; if you're a Challenge and you can make her laugh, she'll rob banks for you.

Should You Test Her Before Tying The Knot? Hey Doc, First of all, let me just say that I'm a convert to "The System" and have been for about three years now. I always had marginal success with women, but never really understood them. Only after learning from the master -- you -- did I realize how little of a clue most men have. I now get a kick out of hearing all the things that my friends do wrong. It's also fun to hear about the guys who date my girlfriend's friends, and even more fun to hear about the guys who hit on my girlfriend when I'm not around. Of course, with your coaching I've hooked a girl -- Sharon -- that no one thought even existed. She's between an "8" and a "9," loves to talk about sports, is an athlete like myself, and she completely "gets it" when it comes to appreciating a good guy who treats her right.

dropping the "l" word Anyway, on to my question for the master. I've been dating Sharon for about a year and a half now. She has passed all of your tests, says she loves me all the time, but I still haven't dropped the "L" bomb -- "I love you, too" --- on her yet. Maybe someday I'll do it, if she's lucky and keeps treating me right. I have treated her correctly by listening to her, giving her affection, being a Challenge at times, etc. Over the past six months she has been throwing out hints about wanting to go down the oneway aisle to marriage. To be honest, she deserves it. She's done everything right... so far. I

have indicated to her that we might be hitched by the end of 2006, based on our mutual goal of moving to another city. Which means I'll be getting down on one knee this coming fall. But what I want to know is this: Do you have any suggestions for one last creative test I might be able to apply -- mostly for fun -- but also as a last-second check, so to speak, to make sure my judgment is on target with this girl? The way I see it, a guy can never be too sure about whom he's marrying, right, Doc? You do research on a car before you buy it, right? I hope you see my point here. Anyway, thanks for any suggestion you might be able to give me. Kyle -- who'll sleep better at night once he's 100% sure

doc love's answer Hi Kyle, Isn't it great when you turn your back and all your so-called buddies are hitting on your lady? Some wonderful friends you've got there, aren't they? Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Just make sure you don't close both eyes when you go to sleep at night!" She sounds like a keeper, but your friends are scum...

you scored But I can understand why these skin hounds are all over Sharon, my man. If she can converse intelligently about Shaq and Tom Brady and Tiger Woods, she's got to be phenomenal! And the smart thing that you do -- that I've trained you to do -- is that you don't blow a cork when other guys come on to Sharon, like Macho Boy would. Congratulations on keeping your cool, pal. Keeping your cool is one of the fundamental requirements for keeping your woman. So, you've been dating this babe for one and a half years now. This is very, very good. It means you're taking your time. It means you're not in a rush to make a mistake, like Billy Bob Thornton, who's been married five times and counting. It means that with the aid of "The System," you've been evaluating your situation through Doc Love's eyes. Most guys don't know what the correct tests to give a woman are. Heck, most guys don't even know that you have to test her! Good for you, guy. As far as dropping the "L" bomb goes, you can tell Sharon how much you adore her when you've been married maybe 28 or 29 years -- that's of course if she hasn't butchered her hair and put on 40 pounds, and doesn't sit around watching Oprah !

find out her intentions

When Sharon started with the marriage hints, you should have asked her, "Why do you want to get married?" If she said, "Well, I want to be with you," you then should have asked, "Well, why do you want to be with me?" The point is to press the issue! Rub it in her face a little, see? Make her feel the heat. Have some fun with it. It's essential to not only listen to women, but to question them about what they're actually saying . Then, when she answers your questions, ask her more questions . I guarantee you; you'll be the first guy in 6,000 years to listen so closely to a female! And remember, Kyle; it's not Sharon who "deserves" it -- it's you who deserves it! Because you've done everything right (almost). Because you met a good one and you've been able to keep her. Most guys can't do that. But Kyle went wrong in one area...

you weren't clear The one area where I disagree with what you did was when you gave Sharon a "definite maybe" about marriage. If I were you, I would have kept her in suspense. Now you've gone and semi-committed yourself. You went halfway to nowhere. I understand what you were doing, but it was wishy-washy. The words "might" and "Confidence" don't go together. To boot, you gave away your game plan. Like General Love would say, "Why the hell would you want to divulge your battle strategy?" But not to worry. You're not going down on one knee, dude. You're going to wait for her to ask you to get married. Come on, guy -- the man doesn't ask the woman to get married.

test her with this Now, you came to the right man for a love test, Kyle. Here's what you do. Tell Sharon you want to sit down and talk about money. Tell her you need to find out how each of you looks at it. You're going to determine whether she wants to sink your jack into gold bullion, or she wants it in CDs at the credit union, or she wants to put it away for your retirement. For instance, say to her, "Honey, how much money do you think we should save out of every paycheck?" If she answers, "I think we should buy some of the best diamonds from DeBeers so I can look fine whenever we step out on the town," then you know you've got a problem. Remember, you Psych majors; the last thing you want is a Gastineau girl! Here's another question you might try on her: "How many vacations a year do you think we should take, and what do you think we should do on them?" If her suggestion is "I think we should go to Russia and take pictures of all the cathedrals," or "I need an African safari every year," and you're thinking maybe you should take the five grand and put it into savings bonds, then the discrepancy in your visions is obvious.

What you want to see is whether Sharon understands that we're living in an economic society where every dollar counts. You want to see whether she's going to blow your earnings or get all stressed out over money. So here's one more beauty to put to her, "Darling, how do you feel about keeping six months' worth of our salaries stashed in the bank in the event that we both happen to get fired from our jobs on the same day?"

money is a big deal The second biggest reason people leave relationships is due to fighting over money -- the No. 1 reason is because of resentment. So, seeing eye to eye over the green stuff is going to be your litmus test. You're going to see how Sharon handles it -- and if you're lucky, she'll add some valuable insight on the subject. I call it the money test -- let's see if she passes it. Remember guys; if she insists on being careful about where your hard-earned money goes, then you know you've got a keeper.

Is Her Dancing With Other Men Acceptable? Hey Doc, I'm a faithful reader of "The System" and believe that you are a genius. I was hoping that you could help me with an issue in my current relationship, something I haven't seen you address before. Or maybe you hear about this sort of thing all the time and it's too trivial for you to discuss. Anyway, please help me! Parker and I have been dating for two and a half years now. We have plans to be married in a year or two. The problem is that she likes going out to clubs to dance. Sometimes she goes to these clubs with her friends and I don't go along, since I work late a good many nights. I have no problem with Parker going out, since, being as busy as I am, I can't be around to entertain her all the time anyway. But I do have a problem when she dances with other guys, especially when I'm not there.

she's a grinder You see, Doc, Parker does a form of dancing that's called "grinding." I don't think I have to explain in great detail what type of dancing this is -- you can probably picture it for yourself. When Parker does this kind of dancing it makes me feel uncomfortable and I would like it very much if she stopped. She claims that it doesn't mean anything and that she only likes to dance because it's fun and she is into the music. She also says it is much different when she

dances with me. We've discussed it several times, but it becomes quite heated and Parker seems to be disappointed with my lack of understanding. My question to you is this: what is your viewpoint on a guy's girlfriend going out to clubs and dancing with other men? Could you please tell me what kind of dancing would be acceptable for her to do with somebody else? Where do I draw the line? Am I crazy to be bothered by this, Doc? Am I just getting carried away by nothing? I don't want to start thinking that maybe Parker isn't the girl for me, since aside from this dance issue, she's Flexible, Giving, and a real head turner. Francis -- who can't help picturing what she's up to when he's not there

doc love's answer Hi Francis, Well, the key to your misery is obvious -- you just happened to fall in love with a stripper and you don't know it. But if you can live with an exotic dancer, I say go ahead and marry the girl. Grinding is not acceptable behavior... Me, personally, I don't want my girl "grinding" other guys. And in the second place, I don't want her even doing a minute waltz with any other guy because I want my girl to only want to dance with the guy that she's deeply in love with. And that's me, and that's what "The System" says. Of course you want Parker to stop grinding, Francis. If you're anywhere near normal, you don't want to share her with some two-bit jerk with a fake gold chain around his neck. Because what she's doing is a very sexual and inappropriate expression, especially with a guy she met three minutes ago.

she's getting off on it What you don't realize though is that Parker is feeding off this like a little shark. There's more going on with her behavior than just a simple turn on the dance floor. This babe is getting her jollies by putting on a show for all the lounge lizards. You mention that she's also a knockout, which of course complicates the matter enormously. Can you imagine all the attention she commands when she's out there shaking her booty on the dance floor? Know what Sal "The Fish" Love would say to you? "Yo, dude -- wake up and smell the jungle gardenias! There are guys lined up around the block waiting their turn!"

So we got problems with this girl, buddy. But my question to you is: why in the world did it take you two and a half years to write me? Because I'm sure Parker was grinding within the first 60 days of your relationship. Ever try making a tiger change its stripes? It ain't gonna happen.

she knows what she's doing I hate to break the bad news to you, my friend, but Parker's not into the latest hit by Gwen Stefani or Destiny's Child. She's into turning guys' heads upside down and toying with the poor things. To you Psych majors, when women do provocative or outrageous things, it's usually because they want some type of feedback or reaction. Parker gets her kicks by watching her grinding partners fall apart over her. But wait a minute -- you tell me it's "much different" when she dances with you. What exactly does Parker do? Do you two stay four feet apart -- and then afterwards she goes out and grinds with the other guys? I think your girl's got it backwards. Dude, her Interest Level in you isn't as high as you think... Here's my take on the situation: for a guy's fiance to go out and dance with other guys is a deal breaker . What do I think is acceptable? Well, Parker can dance fast, as long as she's at least two feet from the other fellow. And if she wants to dance slowly, it has to be at your cousin's wedding! Unless they're family or good friends, I don't want her to want to dance with other guys. Period.

she's got low interest But Francis, why does your girlfriend get off on dancing with strangers? Could it have something to do with her shaky Interest Level in you? The line you're talking about drawing today should have been drawn two and a half years ago. Heck no, you're not crazy to be bothered by what she's doing. Parker's actions are disrespectful to you. It's not a matter of jealousy and possessiveness, which is no doubt what she's throwing in your face. The Bottom Line Factor says that it's just not right. Or, as my cousin Rabbi Love would say, "It ain't kosher!" Now, if you want to take some action so you don't feel completely emasculated, why don't you open the Yellow Pages and hire a stripper and have her come out and grind you in front of Parker all night? For that matter, why don't you hire three of them, to make it more fun? (It'll cost you $450 -- they run about $150 each.) You'll have these three bombshells sashay in, you'll do the bump and grind with them, and then we'll see what Parker has to say! "What's good for the goose is good for the gander," says my Uncle Jethro Love.

she's flexible with everything

But hey, man, I'm sure that Parker is Flexible and a Giver, just like you said. The bad part is that she's Flexible and a Giver with every Tony Manero who boogies through the disco door. You might not be able to imagine what Parker's doing when you're not there, but I can -- and I haven't even met her yet! Remember guys; if they want to grind strangers, it's a deal breaker.

Do Women Listen To That "He's Just Not Into You" Garbage? Hey Doc, I've become somewhat familiar with your principles from reading "The System." I'm a single guy in my 30s and work as a chef in an upscale restaurant here in Chicago, where I often overhear the waitresses talking about their problems with men. Well, lately they've all been discussing this book called He's Just Not That Into You with such reverence, you'd think it was the Bible. All their talking piqued my interest to the point where I went to the bookstore myself one night to check it out. Doc, I was amazed by the stuff that I found in there -- and this book was co-written by a guy, no less! It was like the whole concept of dating and relationships was turned on its head. For instance, the authors believe that men run the dating world, that we have all the power, that we make all the decisions, and so on. What do you make of this? The book tries to create the impression that we concoct all the excuses to break off with women and hold all the aces when it comes to the balance of power. My experience with women has been very much the opposite, so I found their theories very confusing. The book also gives women the impression that a guy who's interested in them should be on the phone with them pretty much immediately, like within a day or two. If he's not calling you, the authors say, he's not at all "into you." What's the reality here? If you go straight after a girl, doesn't it show that you're too available -- or desperate? What the writers failed to realize was that the ladies in their book were totally into the guys because the guys weren't throwing themselves at them! Does that make sense according to your philosophy, or am I missing something here?

it's all wrong As I continued to read through this bestseller, I kept finding things that disturbed me. Don't women actually dump guys the majority of the time instead of vice versa? Given that frightening statistic, isn't it us guys who need help in relationships? This book perpetrates the

notion that it's very much the other way around. According to the authors, if a guy doesn't basically throw himself at a girl's feet within hours of meeting her, he should be on the garbage heap. Doc, I'm concerned that all the women who shell out good money for this book will really be buying a pack of lies. I don't see it helping the American male whatsoever -- do you? In fact, I see the book as only creating more friction in the war between the sexes. I don't know if you'll print this e-mail, and I don't know if you're familiar with the book, but I'm really curious to hear your evaluation of it. It's my opinion that more guys and girls should be listening to you, since you've got it right. Jacques -- who's not into what he read

doc love's answer Hi Jacques, You're right about this book being as hot as the Bible -- it's been in the Top 10 of the bestseller list long enough, too. I did read it, and despite its fancy print and 165-page length, I'm telling you to hold onto your money. Because I could state the authors' point in just one sentence: "Girls, if he treats you good, keep him!" They are trying to brainwash women...

don't waste your money You don't have to go out and drop $21.95 for that, and you'd be better off putting it toward buying "The System" anyway. I guarantee you much more success with the ladies if you do. The (male) co-writer of that book is nothing but a traitor. Ever hear of brainwashing? The poor dude's been brainwashed, and brainwashing is why we have Oprah. My world is exactly the opposite of the authors of that book. There are a thousand love doctors out there, and 95% of them work for women . Look at how many "bridal" magazines you have. You can hardly count them all! What does that tell you? Who's getting all the help here? You'd think all we do is hunt and fish, stare at sexy women, and talk about sports.

who's got the power? So, men have all the power in dating, huh? Jeez, I think they're right. Let's see... I notice Caprice at a wedding, I have to work up the courage to walk up to her, I have to introduce myself without having her head for the hills or blow me off, I have to get her name, I have to get her to ask me my name, I have to make her laugh, I have to get her to touch my arm, and

then, as the closer, I have to ask the toughest of all questions: "Caprice, what's your home phone number?" Hey -- since when does the guy doing all the work have any power? Not where I come from. Yeah, men are in the dominant position, all right. That's why there are so many magazines like Cosmopolitan giving women advice -- like how to control a man, how to get what you want from a man, and how to make a man whimper. (Of course when they do it, it's "selfimprovement." When you do it, you're playing a head game.) As my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "So much for a fair fight!"

the system is your armor The great thing about "The System" is that I break down -- to the second -- when you should call a girl. To you Psych majors, jumping on the phone to call a babe three seconds after you meet her is the No. 1 telephone blunder in the history of mankind. Of course it shows you're way too available or just plain desperate. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It makes you look like you just got sprung out of Leavenworth, man." Or worse, that you're so needy, you can't control yourself at all. Now, how attractive do you think that kind of behavior is to any clinically sane female? It isn't -- Challenge is the key...

hallenge is where it's at Because the women in He's Just Not That Into You got hooked on the guys who didn't fall all over them, unbeknownst to themselves they were verifying my principle of Challenge. But only if you studied "The System" would you recognize that essential truth. So you're right on target here, pal. You want to know whether women dump guys most of the time. Jacques, if women were Indians, we guys would look like General Custer's Seventh Cavalry after the Battle of the Little Bighorn -- it would be a bloody massacre. You're right -- there is a war between the sexes going on, and women are armed with RPG-7s and we have nothing but bows and arrows. And the girls are getting tanks next! Ask Rod Stewart whether he had a chance in hell when his "10" supermodel wife decided she needed to "move on" because she was "too young to settle down."

it's all propaganda The problem with this war between the sexes is that it messes with a woman's head. And you know what effect that has on her? Her anger is going to come out in her actions -- she's going to turn around and play with your head. And guys are so mixed up as it is now, they can't take any more punishment!

So in the end, this "no excuses truth to understanding guys" book is just more brainwashing. The powers that be want to keep women and men separated. I'm proud to print your e-mail, guy. It reinforces some very important points. You'll notice in that book that the concept of Interest Level is never mentioned. And, especially, the authors never once bring up the word Challenge. So keep it light and funny and cool when you're getting to know a woman, Jacques, and never give away your dignity and Self-Control just because someone else thinks or says you should. There's no faster way of driving a woman away from you than throwing yourself on her like a JCPenney suit. Remember guys; the mark of a false love doctor is that he'll never use the word Challenge -and if he does, he's a thief.

Is Porn Ruining Your Relationship? Hey Doc, I've been dating Ben for three years and he follows "The System." I've been reading your material too, in order to become a better woman for the both of us. I haven't found in your material anything related to the subject of Internet smut. I recently discovered Ben's Internet browser to be full of photos, links, and videos of the porn variety. I was disturbed by this -- especially the frequency (nightly) and volume, and considering that our romantic moments have dwindled, I consider this whole situation indicative of a double standard. I'm a rather attractive woman ready to crawl all over Ben at any time, and he is more and more often "too tired" to be romantic or has to go to bed early to get up for work in the morning. Incidentally, Ben and I don't live together.

i told him about the porn I fessed up to Ben about finding this stuff and asked him to stop it. I see it as disrespectful and unnecessary, and bordering on sick because some of the links are clearly teens. He got defensive, of course, stating that I was too rigid in my morals and that men are hardwired to be visual and that it is all harmless. He said he would stop, but I know that he hasn't.

Could you please address this issue? I am not sure if this is a deal breaker for me, but it is certainly causing my Interest Level in Ben to drop. The more I read about the subject of smut, the more I'm wondering if I have an addict on my hands. I don't need a "project" to work on -I want a man. How does one shake this garbage out of a guy's head? Doc, Ben wouldn't want me drooling over the Chippendales dancers -- so why the double standard? I know you don't generally answer women's letters, but I truly hope you answer mine. If you do, I sincerely thank you in advance. Damara -- who doesn't think he should have it both ways

doc love's answer Hi Damara, Hold on a second here, my sister. If your Ben were truly following "The System," you wouldn't be writing this letter in the first place. But I'm glad you're reading me. So right off the bat we know that you're one smart cookie. Ben's a lucky guy. It sounds like he doesn't realize it, or that he's just plain dumb. And thanks for the plug. Either you're cool about it or you're not... Actually, I have addressed the issue you're upset about. You'll recall from reading "The System" and my columns that I don't talk about sex. Ever. And there's a reason for it -- too many parents trust me to give their kids sound dating advice, for one thing, and for another, I'm not going to be like all the other love doctors out there who dwell on the seamier side of love rather than truly trying to coach men.

some women are cool about it Now let's be rational here. There are a few different ways to view Ben's preoccupation. Here's one side of it. I've got a married cousin who sends me pictures of Beautiful Women by e-mail once or twice a month. When I stop over at his house, I like to pull his wife's chains. "Your husband's a voyeur," I joke. "He keeps sending me photos of naked women." Now my cousin's spouse happens to be an easygoing sort (luckily for him) and we all have a laugh over it. In other words, for those two it's not all that important in the greater scheme of things. That's one extreme of it. At the other extreme are the folks who say that if you even glance at such material you're

going straight to hell in a hand basket. Everybody else in America is on middle ground on this issue.

you shouldn't have found it What I know for sure is this. The general rule for guys is, when you're with your woman, you don't look at other women. Secondly, if you have this junk on your computer, don't keep it where she can have access to it. So Ben messed up. Like Reverend Love says, "This whole matter should have been kept private -- between Ben and himself and his confessor." Damara, as far as having Ben for a husband is concerned, you have to do some real hard thinking on it. If he's looking at this stuff on a nightly basis when you're sitting there all decked out in your Victoria's Secret outfit, with your long legs and pouty, bee-stung lips, you have to wonder what's going through the guy's mind. Like the Reality Factor says, "Why is he trading what's there for what's not?" (To you Psych majors, plus she's alive!)

you're both disloyal In a sense, you went against loyalty by looking into your boyfriend's computer. On the other hand, he went against loyalty too because he was "with" other women, a bunch of other women, Beautiful Women, and a lot younger ones than you. He's spending time on women he can't have, not the one he actually does have... Given the amount of time Ben spends with his fantasies, it's not good for him. As the old Chinese proverb goes, "Too much Neverland bad for Michael Jackson, Grasshopper." Ben should have your photos up on his computer. He should be buying you nice clothes, taking you out to the park or the zoo, snapping your picture there, and then putting them up on his computer -- not all those other babes. If I were a female, that's the kind of guy I would want. I certainly understand your anger and concern over Ben's double standard. But as my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "Guys like new stuff." Apparently Ben likes lots of new stuff, and he likes it every day. (By the way, is he losing weight?)

put it the other way around Now let's reverse the scenario. If I had a girlfriend and she was sitting around all night long salivating over pictures of bodybuilders, I wouldn't be feeling too great about it. Because let's face it; why would I want to see her ogling muscle-bound Macho Boys when I'm 6'8" and weigh 280 pounds? Ben may argue that what he's up to is all harmless shenanigans, but not at the rate he indulges. I can tell you that for sure, and I'm not even a real doctor. As far as Ben being marriage material, I'd say it is a deal breaker for you, Damara. I wouldn't want my sister marrying this

guy. Still, it's hard to say whether this cybersex predilection of Ben's means he's truly hooked. There are just as many people on the other side of the coin who say that looking at the stuff is not addictive. (Of course they're lobbyists for the porn industry, so take it with a grain of salt.) But we're not here to debate this; it's not what I do as a dating coach. Like I said before, when a guy's in love with a woman, he shouldn't be lusting after other women.

it's time to leave Damara, I've got more bad news for you. You can't shake the garbage out of your boyfriend's head. He has to do it all by himself. He's got to wake up and say to himself, "By spending countless hours looking at these naked bodies, I'm going backwards in my life. I should be going forward." One more thing: The reason I'm answering your letter is because I want to help men. That's always my first and foremost aim. Remember guys; if you like to look at naked women, keep the computer at least 50 miles out of your true love's reach.

Can 50-Year-Old Divorced Guys Get Younger Women? Hey Doc, I stumbled across "The System" when I was surfing the Web on the lookout for dating advice. I'm not looking for just any dating advice -- I'm interested in tips for middle-aged guys back on the singles scene for the first time in 20 or 30 years. I've noticed that there are other love doctors out there who talk about what to do when you're on a date with a woman, but none of them seem to address how to actually get dates, and that's really what I'm interested in. You probably deal with younger guys most of the time, but I thought I'd try you anyway. I'm 50ish, have all my hair, am reasonably attractive, and in okay shape. I was married for nearly 20 years and went through a divorce that wasn't all that bitter, but frankly, Doc, I feel a bit bruised and very vulnerable out here in the world all by myself again after so much time in a relationship. I never cheated on my wife, but the fire went out of the marriage and we both decided to end it before it got nasty. I have one son, by the way, who is a teenager. He's still living with his mother.

So here's my current situation. I have a relatively isolated job, as a public relations freelance writer for firms here in the suburbs of New York City, so I don't really meet a whole lot of women. In fact, I don't meet very many women at all. I have absolutely no clue where to go to meet them, either. I belong to the local YMCA, where I ride the exercise bike and occasionally attend a yoga class, but the women are mostly elderly and unattractive, or show no interest in me whatsoever.

i like 'em young Which brings me to my next area of concern: I know it's not realistic, but I'm drawn to women young enough to be my daughter and don't have any interest in middle-aged women like myself, even if I could find them. Doc, let's be honest -- who wants a 48-year-old divorce with a saggy butt, emotional baggage, an ax to grind, or a brood of obnoxious kids? I know I don't. The problem is that the younger women, say age 35 or below, don't even look in my direction, and when they do, they call me "Sir" or "Mister." I've started joking that when girls call you "Sir" or "Mister," you know you're old -- and in trouble. So you might say I don't want the old ones and am afraid of the young ones. Worse, it probably wouldn't work out with a young one anyway, right? So, man, I don't know what to do or where to go to get back into this thing. Help! Vaughan -- who hates to think that it's already over

doc love's answer Hi Vaughan, First off, whether a female is 18 or 80, the gig is still the same. If you're a 55-year-old divorced doctor and you meet an elegant 50-year-old divorce at the country club, you're still going to have to say, "What's your home phone number?" By the same token, if you're a 19year-old and you're three sheets to the wind at a college frat party, you're still going to have to ask that sorority sister, "Hey, what's your home phone number?" The rules of the game never change...

the game knows no age So the game is always the same, pal, and I cover it all. If you love women, I'm your coach. Now, you can't just be in "okay" shape to be competitive out there in the dating world.

("Okay" shape usually means that you really look like a cross between Alec Baldwin before a diet and the Pillsbury Doughboy.) "Okay" shape doesn't cut it when you're 50 and a member of AARP. You have to be in perfect shape when you're as old as you are. Make sure you shave every day, use deodorant, shine your shoes, and have a premium membership to the health club (and use it). You've got to look like you've stepped out of Esquire or GQ just to have a fighting chance. By the way -- what do you mean you attend a yoga class "occasionally"? When you're in any kind of exercise class, you have to go all the time -- it's called a routine. You don't drop in and out of a class. Right there it shows me you have no discipline and no real interest in taking good care of your body.

did you learn anything? You should feel vulnerable, dude. You lived with someone who beat on you like a drum for 20 years! But in your wife's defense, you probably deserved it because you were a wimp . And by the way, Vaughan, you didn't have a "relationship" -- you were just living with a cold body. By the way, you didn't both decide to end it -- she decided to end it, okay, big fella? (Do you faithfully visit your son and talk to him on the phone a couple of times a week? You better. Don't forget -- you may be a swinging bachelor again, but you're still his dad.) So, females show no interest in you, Vaughan? Welcome to the world of being over 50 -- and three quarters of the way over the hill! Your interest in younger women clearly demonstrates why your wife loved you so darned much. Guy, you can't even get a good-looking 50-yearold to go out, and you want her daughter ? Don't you think maybe there's a little more to it? Okay, then, I'll tell you what you do: go buy yourself a 145-foot yacht and dock it in Monaco. Then you'll get that 25-year-old with the killer body. And, like Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "Don't forget the drugs!" Open your eyes, dude... But Vaughan, I have to set you straight on something. There are tons of great 48-year-olds out there who look 38 and whose bodies are practically 28. When people get divorced, it means there are more women on the loose, and since there are more women than men in the world, the odds are in your favor, especially if you're living near New York (according to the latest man/woman ratio statistics, anyway). So guys, keep in mind that a fine woman is out there for you, in spite of the fact that the gravitational pull of the Earth's center has been giving her wrinkles for the last 15 years.

what's the difference? All the stuff you're moaning about -- obnoxious brats, sagging asses, axes to grind, and the rest of it -- are unfortunately part of the deal when you hit a certain age. You should have picked the right one when you were in your 20s, though it's evident to me that you wouldn't have known what to do with her. But we're not going to give up the ship because like I said before, we like women. But having said that, my friend, I can't tell you how much work you have to do. Want to know why the young chicks aren't looking in your direction? Because you don't look like a 50-year-old model who looks 35, that's why. Maybe you're one of those geezers who looks 64, did you ever think of that? How's your posture? Are you still walking erect? What you should be saying to those young honeys who call you "Sir" is, "Are you available for adoption?" (To you Psych majors, it only works in biker bars!) The only thing you'll have to worry about with the young numbers, Vaughan, is the fact that you'll never have one. But if you did happen to convince one to go out with you, I'm sure that by the time her tummy was full of caviar and lobster and Dom Perignon, it would work out all right, and she'd be telling you that she had a big day at work tomorrow. (Which, by the way, is why she's yawning and complaining that she's tired.) So, buddy, you're back in the 12th grade -- at square one. I can tell from a guy's letters what he knows or doesn't know. Most guys come to me with a little bit of something on the ball, but you don't know anything.

you can do it Here's the doctor's prescription. First you're going to study "The System" for four straight weekends at the library wired on coffee and with your cell phone turned off. Then you're going to join Toastmasters. When you're not at your job or sleeping or sweating at the gym, you're going to be at Toastmasters. You're going to do this for six months. And the reason you're going to do it for so long is because you're so far in the hole. You're going to introduce yourself as a love doctor. When someone in the audience asks what you mean by that, you say that you study women. You have a great job, but studying the opposite sex is your hobby. And that you give guys advice; you don't charge anything, and now you want to give speeches on it. You're going to give talks on topics like "Closing the Deal" and "How to Handle the Woman's

Counteroffer." As you talk about these things, you're going to find yourself getting better and better at my techniques. By then you'll be speaking in the next town over from yours, and then the next town over from that. Half your audience will be women. One day you're going to notice a nice-looking 49-year-old who just had plastic surgery on her fanny staring at you. And that's how it's all going to start. Remember guys; when you go out for a fight, you gotta go out packin'.

Should Doc Love Write A New Book? Hey Doc, I've been your student for two years now. "The System" is probably the best book I've ever read! It's pretty sad how right you always are... I'd say about 97% of the time! The other 3% are either exceptions or bizarre cases that you can't possibly cover. I've come to the conclusion that some people "get" you and some don't. I am one who does get you. I understand the concept of Challenge and you've helped me with many specifics. The reason I'm writing to you is because I have an idea I think you should consider. I read your articles in addition to your books and there are lots of things you don't write about, very small details that mean a lot. My idea is that you should make "The System" even bigger. The idea of more information is fascinating. For example, recently in an article on AskMen.com, you mentioned that "sitting in the car" is very bad when you're on a date. I can attest from an experience I had some weeks before I read that article that you were 100% accurate! Staying in the car too long was a disaster and messed up a potential relationship. This is the kind of thing I mean, Doc.

what you need to add So here are some things you should add, in my opinion. 1- You should have a section called "conversation." Tell men what to say in conversation, what not to say, and the different "positive" topics men should discuss with women. In particular, it would be interesting to have some guidelines for how to conduct phone conversations: what to say, at what point to say it, when to get off. 2- You should also have a "humor" section where you give us guys some funny, cocky things to say and comebacks for the girls, because you have a great sense of humor and many of us

still need ideas in that area. 3- You can have a "relationship" section too (well, I know you already have one), but maybe you can go into more detail and specify how to do it, what not to do, and what a woman looks for. Heck, maybe you can give us some tips right here, come to think of it! I just appreciate your work so much that I want to hear more. You are doing an amazing job. All my friends have "The System" because I told them to buy it and it's helping them out a lot. You are the master of dating and helping guys reach their goals. You've been through it all and I want you to give us even more guidance, because this is very valuable material. I hope you don't mind my request. Moochie -- who can't get enough

doc love's answer Hi Moochie, First of all, thanks for the compliment. And second, you're absolutely right about "getting" me. Some guys can read 30 Doc Love columns of 1,500 hundred words or so, not find a single sentence that they disagree with, learn a ton about the opposite sex, but still won't commit to the program by investing in "The System" and going for the whole enchilada. It's simply amazing how cheap and shortsighted some men are. And then there are the idiots... And then there are the numskulls who read 50 articles and say to themselves, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get what Doc's saying," even memorize my techniques, and they still go out and pull the same stupid stunts on the battlefield of love. Like my cousin General Love says, "The only difference between a dumb soldier and a dead one is nothing."

they need to see the light Certain guys need an epiphany, Mooch. They have to be smacked in the head a few hundred times by reality before they get hip to what's what. They've got to all of a sudden say to themselves: "Hey -- that's me Doc's talking about in his column!" These guys need to hit rock bottom like an alcoholic or dope addict before they wake up. When the pain gets to be too much, when they can't take one more rejection from a Vanessa Williams look-alike, that's when lots of guys "get" me. And as you say, it's very sad.

which one are you? But, my friend, I have to wonder where you fit in among these losers. You tell me you want more information. Well, I'm supplying it to you on a weekly basis! What do you think my column is, dude? Hello? Earth to Moochie? But I am glad you pointed out my warning about men sitting in the car with their dates. Because I've got something to add to it. I don't want you guys driving around to six or seven different places with a date. Remember; you're not a cabbie or chauffeur.

here are some more rules Here are the only three reasons you should be behind the wheel when you're on a date: 1- To pick the girl up. 2- To drive her to wherever you're going -- dinner, dancing, the zoo, or the circus. 3- To take her back to her home when the date's over. Otherwise you're not doing anything constructive. Like "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Unless you're making out with her, you're just sitting there in the dark with yourself." And when you can't read her face or body language, you don't know what's really going on -- and you're truly in the dark. (By the way, I'm sorry about your disaster with your ex-girl -- next time I'll try to write my column sooner.) Here's what you say in every situation... Now, let's take the topic of conversation. What are you supposed to say to a woman? First you should at least have the appearance of spontaneity, pal. You want the girl to think she's with a live human being, not a robot who knows how to recite from memory. The general principle is, keep it light and funny. Stay off the heavy subjects. To you Psych majors; ask her what her favorite thing to do is. If she wears tattoos, say to her "What rocks your boat, baby?" As far as the telephone is concerned, the advice here is simple: stay off the damned thing. You're not supposed to be having phone conversations. The only thing you're supposed to use AT&T (or what's left of it) for is asking the girl out. You're not supposed to yak like a yenta over the wire about all kinds of stuff that can get you into trouble. Moochie, are you sure you read "The System"? Next, you want even more humor. My cousins Fast Eddie and Sal "The Fish" are insulted! Haven't you been reading their one-liners week after week?

diffuse seriousness with humor

Here's what you do. Whenever a girl asks you a hard question about anything, go right into your Jim Carrey or Robin Williams shtick. You want to come back with a snappy answer to every silly love question a babe throws at you. Fast Eddie and Sal are masters of the comical comeback, so pay attention. One more thing on the topic of humor. Why do you think I have you studying Cary Grant movies? Didn't he have the greatest romantic comedy writers of the 20th Century doing his scripts? (By the way, that advice happens to be in "The System". Hello again?) Finally, yes, I've written volumes on the subject of relationships. But if you want more, while you're sitting doing nothing at your pool this summer, why don't come up with a list of what I've missed, dress it up nice, tell me where you want it to fit in, and if it makes my books better, I'll cut you in for 3%.

thanks for the compliments Guy, I appreciate what you're saying about me and my principles, and I think it's great that you're helping your friends out -- it's vitally important if we're going to cut the divorce rate in America. But frankly, Mooch, you have a long way to go yourself. You're only at the 50-yard line. Because many of the things you asked for help with are covered in my book and my weekly columns since January 2000. It's all out there, buddy. Just keep coming back; keep reading and I'll take good care of you. Remember guys; if you want to land and keep Miss Right, you have a lot of work to do.

Would Real Men Put Up With An Arguer? Hey Doc, Jade and I have been living together for four months now but tend to fight over the slightest things. She's very argumentative and never wants to "lose" in anything, even board games! Over time, I've found myself giving into her every time we have a confrontation just to avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I realized that in doing so, I had subconsciously given her power over me and now I want to take it back. In the past few weeks, I've tried talking to her less and doing more of my own thing just to show her that I'm not dependent on her. I've also started to engage more (not physically, of course) in our arguments to show her I'm not afraid of her -- which I'm not! She seems to have mellowed a little, but I find (or it could just be me) that we're playing more mind games with each other now. Perhaps she found me to be a Challenge, I don't know.

is she playing me?

Here's an example of what I perceive as a mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down by saying things like "You're skinny" or "You look horrible in sunglasses," but just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own medicine by calling her "lazy" for not making the bed. She definitely didn't like it and we had a fight over it. She asks for a goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after the fight, I didn't do it and she didn't ask for it either. I'm not sure if I'm playing this the right way, and if I'm not, how do I go about it and beat her at her own game (to get her to realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but I'm at the point where I wouldn't mind ending the relationship if she suggested it first. On the other hand, I want things to work out between us, but I am trying to get her to respect me the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for granted and start showing me her love instead of picking on me. And if it doesn't work, we'd probably have to go our separate ways. Thanks for any help you might be able to give me. Norris -- who doesn't want to spend his life fighting

doc love's answer Hi Norris, Straight out of the chute, you said a mouthful. I can understand some women wanting to get into arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to lose at anything, and that includes the love game. And in her mind, if she's going to be the winner, somebody's got to be the loser. Unfortunately, that's you. Can Norris go from loser to winner? Keep reading...

interest level is the issue Jade -- or any clinically sane woman -- should be thinking about the two of you as a team and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete with. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "If you want to throw punches, get yourself over to Gleason's Gym and put on the gloves!" Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around your house, pal. It sounds like a real love fest over there. I wonder whose idea it was to move in together. Who asked whom to move in first? I'm betting the house that you were on your knees begging this little hottie to cohabit with you. Why? Because her Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the higher her Interest Level, the less she wants to argue . The only exception to this rule is the highly structured woman. Jade will always remember that you gave into her, dude. She'll never forget that you were born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her to take your cojones , you consciously gave her power over you because your Interest Level is 90% and hers is significantly lower,

and you're scared of losing her. This is what most lily-livered guys do. Rather than take a stand, they think short-term and give in.

get in the ring I don't think Challenge is an issue here at all, my friend. Jeez -- I'd love to turn invisible and sit in the corner and watch the interaction between you two lovebirds. I'd be able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly what's going on. But as it is, I can only go by your version of events. If I were to take Jade out and get a couple of glasses of wine into her, then I'd get her side of the story. Maybe she would say that you don't hang the towels at the right angle, or you leave dishes in the sink, or she has to ask you 10 times to take out the trash. Nevertheless, by your own admission, Jade seems to be putting you down with a smile. And when you jump on her for being lazy, you're not doing it with a smile. I hope you're not making accusations out of the blue just to get her goat. When you get on her case, you'd better have some basis (i.e. facts) for doing it. And then do it gently. As my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Remember; this is supposed to be love, not war."

it's too late But one thing's for sure -- if you're calling Jade names for not making the bed and she wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done. Finissimo . Wow. You two aren't even married and you're going at it like cats and dogs over something so trivial? Thank God you don't have kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says, "If you're battling this much in the first four months of living in sin, it's time to move out of Sin City!" Instead of dreaming up new head games to play with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow Pages game and booking a date for the Bekins moving company. You gave away your soul, Norris. And once a woman has you, you can't do a 180 and turn over a new leaf, and that's what you're trying to do here. What you have to do instead is find yourself a new girl, and next time learn to say no . The fact that you're waiting for Jade to end this fiasco shows that you're a coward. Why don't you suggest it, tough guy? Why not show her that you're a real man? As far as "respect" is concerned, what's obvious to me is that this thing is totally one-sided. You respect her , and not vice versa. And you're afraid of her, too, despite your protests to the contrary. Once a woman loses respect for you, it's over. From that point on, all she's going to do is practice beating on you like she was trying out to be the drummer for a marching band. You're in a dream world, Norris. It's not going to work between you and Jade. It isn't working and it hasn't worked. You better wake up, but fast, before you get KO'd.

Remember guys; if she doesn't think you have a backbone, you will be the punching bag in the relationship.

Why Moving Too Fast Is Dangerous This week's letter comes from Josh. On their sixth date, his girlfriend behaved differently, as though her Interest Level was already waning. Is Josh just imagining things or did he really blow it?

reader's question Hey Doc, I've had "The System" for over a year and have been practicing it ever since. Being able to weed out the Feministas, Gold Diggers, and ungiving has been a blessing. I met Ashley through eHarmony.com. She's 95% of what I've been looking for. To be honest, the only thing I'd change is to open her mind to different kinds of food -- this girl can eat chicken and steamed vegetables every day and not get bored because that's all she likes. She's 26, a knockout, educated, has a good job and her own place, and lives a good life. I'm 26, make a great living, almost have my own place (I share with my brother since he's broke), and am looking to find a wonderful girl I can go the distance with.

the system worked Doc, I used your techniques to win this gal. Being the ultimate gentleman, I opened her doors, kept our dates light and fun, and treated her with respect. To my surprise, she offered to pay for our first four dates. I paid, of course, and she liked that. I think I waited too long (the fourth date) to kiss her though, but after I did she complimented me on my talent and proceeded to kiss me some more. Tonight was our sixth rendezvous. I took Ashley to an upscale Chinese restaurant and we saw a comedy act at the Improv. Dinner was just okay since the restaurant was loud and we got terrible service, but she was a sport and our conversation was light and funny. We made the show on time, but the seating was bad since we were up against the wall and I had a small table as a barrier between us, and I had wanted to sit next to her and have my arm around her, at least.

she suddenly got tired

So here's where I got confused. On the way back to her place, Ashley got really tired -- she was yawning and almost fell asleep in the car. I walked her up to her apartment door, and we went inside and sat down on her couch. I could see in her face that she was ready to pass out, so I said, "I'm leaving." I went in for a short kiss. After all of our earlier dates, we always had a great time -- we would have a short, fun conversation at her place and I got the impression that she didn't want me to leave. This time however, the energy just wasn't there. Her playful comment at that point irked me: "Since it's only nine o'clock, what are you going to do -- go home and go to sleep?" I laughed it off, but I was a little offended since she gave me the impression that she thought I had no life. I should have said that I was going to call my friends and go have fun with them, but I didn't. Doc, am I thinking about this too much? Would you have done anything different? Should I be worried about Ashley's Interest Level, or is a girl entitled to one off night in six? Josh -- who wonders if he played it too cool

doc love's answer Hi Josh, You don't realize it, but you're one lucky guy! When it's your turn to cook Ashley dinner, you can throw hers together in five minutes. You don't know how fortunate you are to have someone who's not a picky eater! Chicken and steamed veggies? A breeze! You've got a hell of a woman there. This girl's 100%, not 95%. Too bad you probably won't be able to keep her. You kissed her too late and you moved too fast... Because you haven't even "won" Ashley yet, despite what you may think. You've only gotten through six dates with her -- barely. And number six didn't exactly put you over the top. Like most guys, you're moving way too fast. (And let me remind you that you're still going to be light and funny, and treat her with respect after 40 years of marriage, too -- if you get that far, which I doubt.)

dude, red flag alert Before we go on, let me ask you this: why is a girl who likes you offering to pay for everything so soon? She should be doing it on the fourth or sixth date, not for every single date. This is a huge red flag , dude, and you should have picked up on it. The dating dance says that the guy pays for the first four dates. And another thing -- you

should have kissed her sooner. You waited too long. How come you didn't survey the Chinese restaurant on an earlier night to see how loud it was before going in there and not being able to hear what the other was saying? You didn't do your homework like you should have, Josh. And when things started going bad at the comedy club, you should have walked, and told Ashley that you'd do it another night. Again, you should have had everything arranged beforehand. You should have been in a restaurant that was nice and quiet, and you should have had good seats at the club. A smart dater wouldn't have had all those obstacles blocking him. And don't worry about getting your hands on Ashley. She should have had her arm around you . Are you sure you read "The System"? Was she making excuses or was she genuinely tired?

why was she tired? As far as her behavior that night was concerned, maybe she had a tough day at work, and that's why she was tired. You totally blew it by walking her into her apartment. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "If she's already yawning in the car, get the hell out of there!" Sheesh, Josh, what the heck are you doing -- trying to beat this horse to death? Here Ashley's already halfway to dreamland and you want to go inside her place, drone on about how lousy your date was, and lower her Interest Level even further? Huge mistake! I'll tell you something else: Ashley was yawning before she even hit the car, I guarantee it. You shouldn't have even gone to the comedy club.

you need to adjust accordingly But it gets even worse. Here you have a girl with her eyes shut and snoring, and you're trying to kiss her? Pal, you might very well have had other good dates with Ashley, but circumstances change, and you have to be ready, willing and able to adjust -- quickly. Think about it: this babe was sawing wood before the night was even over! How blind can you be? Check out the name of my column: "Women don't lie -- and men don't listen, see or look!" When Ashley dropped that little comment at the end of your date, you should have told her you were going out to have some fun no matter what she did. You failed to take advantage of a perfect opportunity to show her that you weren't lost without her. Now she knows the truth. You're just a whimpering puppy dog.

Then again, maybe you're reading too much into her words. Maybe she was just teasing you. Maybe she was just being cute. Like Doctor Freud said, "It's hard to tell what she intended when she's groggy and one eye is closed!"

stop analyzing Are you thinking too much about Ashley? Absolutely. You should be thinking about all the mistakes you're making in the dating game, not about her. Guy, you might have bought "The System," but are you sure you actually read it? I suggest that you sit down and memorize it word for word before you make any more costly blunders. Yes, Josh, you should be worried about Ashley's Interest Level, but her being tired has nothing to do with anything. To you Psych majors, I'm going to say it again: when she's about to drop with fatigue and you hear funny sounds coming out of her mouth, that's the end of the date -- you're out of there. Yeah, you played it too cool, Josh -- about as cool as a hot Weber grill. Remember guys; if they start to yawn, it's time to cut the date.

Are You In Denial Over Her Actions? Hey Doc, I've read several of your articles and have to say they make more sense than half the junk I see on the Internet about relationships. Thanks for "The System" and the help you've given to millions of other confused and bewildered men. That said, I have a situation I have no idea how to handle. I met Morgan about three years ago and we've been talking off and on. I discovered three things that I deem to be significant factors about her: 1- She's considerably older than me (about 10 years; originally I thought she was only maybe three or four years older). 2- She has a kid. 3- Her last boyfriend beat her up very badly and she said she had trouble trusting people afterwards. When we got to know each other a little, she said, "I'm really starting to trust you." So I asked her out and she said, "Why don't we try being friends for now and see how that works first?"

she suddenly became busy She got very busy with parenting and other things shortly thereafter and I forgot about her and pursued other women. For the next year or so I'd run into Morgan occasionally. During one of our encounters I asked for her number again since I'd lost it, and she gave it to me. I gave her a kiss on the cheek just to test her reaction. I saw her the next night at a dance club and she was all smiles when she saw me. However, before I could ask her to dance, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, she had left. Recently I saw Morgan at another club (she was by herself) and I was dancing with some other girls. She came over, gave me a hug, and asked for a ride home since she had car trouble. I gave her a ride and we spent the evening together. I didn't try to kiss her because I had a cold and didn't want to seem like a jerk. When I was going home, she said, "Thanks, that was the most fun I've had in a long time."

is she for real? I called later in the week and asked her if she wanted to attend a social function with me. She said she was under her dad's supervision (she and her kid are living with him and he's got control issues), and it was his decision. She said she'd call back but she didn't. Two weeks later (when I'd given up on her), she left a message on my machine asking me to call her. Doc, we get along really well, but I'm not sure if Morgan likes me or just wants to be friends. Any ideas what I should do? Paul -- who can't figure her out

doc love's answer Hi Paul, Thank you very much for the compliment, and you're right about all the junk on the Internet. And I want to tell you something about those other love doctors. If you don't see or hear the word Challenge discussed, that so-called expert is only giving you two-thirds of what's involved in dealing with women. What about the dozen mistakes Paul made?

Everybody knows about Confidence. Everybody knows you have to have a sparkling sense of humor and be clean-cut and shine your shoes to be a hit with the girls. But most guys don't know how to have a balanced relationship. With the man being forced into the position of "aggressor," Challenge balances the relationship out so you don't go overboard.

you made mistakes Now, let's examine what you've got here with Morgan. Why are you two talking "off and on"? Like my cousin Brother Love says, "In dating, there shouldn't be any in-betweens that leave either one of you in a state of limbo." In other words, when a relationship flies, it flies. You ask her for the home phone number, you wait a week to call her, and you go out. There's a real process involved. There's no "off and on." When there's "off and on," you've got a problem right off the bat. "Off and on" is a big no-no when it comes to dating. "Off and on" means you've got nothing going. Next, let's tackle your facts. Morgan's age in itself doesn't mean a thing. What matters is how old you are, pal. If you're 11 or 12, you've got a problem -- unless of course she's Mary Kay Letourneau. What I don't like is the fact that Morgan's 10 years older than you because, like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "When the bickering and arguments start, you don't stand a chance in hell of winning."

does her kid matter? Since Morgan has a child, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and ask, "Can I love this kid as much as my own?" (Most guys can't, so you have to give fact No. 2 serious thought before getting involved.) Fact No. 3, her boyfriend beat her up. Odds are the jerk just didn't punch her out once and without a buildup. Usually abusive boyfriends and husbands swear at their women first, or they throw things, or they slap them around a little before graduating to the really ugly stuff. Morgan is what I call a woman, who, sorry to say, indirectly accepts being treated badly. And that is very, very sad. (Are you sure Morgan is clinically sane? Maybe instead of you she needs some professional treatment. Guys, you have to start with a woman whose head is screwed on straight to begin with.) She asked you to start out as friends? As friends?!?!? That said, being friends first with a female is okay as far as it goes, but you have to do what "The System" says if you want to win this gal. You can't pay attention to what the woman

says. Her true intentions will come out in her actions. Guys, you have to follow "The System."

you even forgot her What I find extremely curious is that during one of your "off" periods you "forgot" all about Morgan. That tells me your Interest Level was low, low, low. I never talk about the man's Interest Level because generally it doesn't count, but if your Interest Level is below 50%, you don't really dig the girl. And you lost her number because you had moribund Interest Level. Buddy, you didn't go according to my principles on this girl. You have to ask yourself some hard questions about why you've been off and on with this babe in the first place. Maybe you're not really all that into her, did you ever think of that? Maybe you two are just using each other because neither of you have anything better to do with yourselves. Gee, you kissed Morgan on the cheek! Whoa! Slow down! Pretty bold of you, Paul. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "That's like kissing your grandmother!" We don't conduct the grandmother test, dude. We administer the date test. To you Psych majors, that means on the mouth.

are you in denial? The fact that Morgan split after she bumped into you at the dance club is a strong indication that she likes you, obviously. You go to the bathroom for five minutes and she can't wait to get the hell out of there? Gosh, this girl has really flipped over you! (Uh, right. And I've got this bridge over in Brooklyn that's a steal.) Guys, you never want to go out with a girl who has car trouble. Because when she's got car trouble, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Again, you Psych majors, there are other troubles lurking in the background, rest assured. Paul, it's decent of you that you didn't try and kiss Morgan when you had the sniffles -- you shouldn't run around giving people diseases. Gee, that was darned thoughtful of you. Regarding the function you invited her to, you don't ever ask a girl if she "wants" to do something -- you just ask her if she can make it. Forget talking about "want."

her father controls her? Wow, it's great that Morgan's old man has control issues. She got rid of Psycho Boyfriend, now she's living with Psycho Dad. Very nice. I'd say you two are on your way to a real healthy relationship! And it's another good sign that she didn't call you back when she said she would.

Paul, you've just got it popping on all cylinders, don't you? (And by the way, if her old man has such control issues, what is she doing slow dancing with every guy in sight at a nightclub?) So, you and Morgan get along really well, huh? You call all this inconsistent behavior getting along really well? Heck, you'd have better luck with J.Lo. Remember guys; when the girl is a mess, move on to a new adventure.

What If It Looks Like She Has A Boyfriend? Hey Doc, I'm in an interesting predicament. I'm part of a group at my college that helps economicallydisadvantaged students from a nearby school district. About a month ago at a Saturday morning workshop, I really hit it off with one of the girls who also help out. Her name is Madison. She seemed really comfortable around me, laughed at my jokes and touched my arm. At the end of the event I asked for her home phone number. "My home phone number?" she replied. "Don't you want my cell phone number?" Feeling in a bit of a pinch, I said, "Sure, that will do." The following week I saw Madison with a guy at the library. She glanced at me as I walked by and didn't say anything. I then proceeded to throw her number away because I was under the assumption that she was too beautiful for me and was probably involved with someone anyway. Afterward, every time I saw her she would be talking with some guy.

then her friend got involved Well, this past Tuesday my buddy and I went to get a bite to eat at the university dining hall. Alyssa (Madison's friend, and one of the girls who'd come to the workshop where I had met Madison) spotted me and came over to my table. The conversation went something like this: Alyssa: "Can I ask you a 'guy' question?" Me: "Sure." Alyssa: "Why would a guy get a girl's phone number and not call her?" (Referring, of course, to what I did with Madison's number). Me: "I do things differently."

Alyssa: "Well, do all guys do that?" Me: "Some do, some don't." Alyssa: "Why didn't you call Madison?" Me: "I don't pursue girls who have boyfriends." Alyssa then walked back to her table. A few seconds later, Madison sat at Alyssa's table. Coincidence? I think not. A few minutes later, lunch ended and students began to leave for classes. As Alyssa was about to leave, she passed by me and whispered in my ear, "You should call Madison, she isn't seeing anybody." I was shocked. This incident has shown me how oblivious I am when it comes to reading women. I didn't have a clue that Madison was leaning this way. I would appreciate your analysis of this incident. Should I try and call Madison now? Thank you and all the best. Stefano -- who's still learning

doc love's answer Hi Stefano, Gosh, you've made so many blunders I hardly know which one to start with! But let's try Madison's offer of her cell phone number first. It was a huge mistake to accept it. Guys think that the cell phone number is the home phone number. To you Psych majors, it's not -- unless you live in China. Next up: Stefano's second mistake...

a cell number will not do So you should have told Madison, "I want your home phone number. I don't want your cell phone number." Or, "I'll take them both." But it's always more important that you have the home digits. Guys, I don't want you calling a babe when she's on a date with another guy, and there you are playing second fiddle and trying to ask her out. Odds are that when she's at home, she's not with that other guy. And there are lots of other reasons for getting the home phone number; they're all explained in depth in "The System." Now, why are you making any kinds of assumptions at all about Madison? You don't know what type of guy she likes, do you? And remember; no girl is too beautiful for you. So why are you putting yourself down? As my cousin Doctor Love would say, "If you didn't think you

were good enough for her, why did you ask her for her phone number in the first place?" Hello? Are you there, Stefano? Okay, so she happens to be standing next to some bozo. What's the big deal? She's a Beautiful Woman, it's been known to happen. And you don't know the nature of their relationship. Maybe he's going to be best man at Elton John's upcoming wedding. Or he might be her cousin. You don't know if he's on his way in, on his way out, or if Madison has any interest in him whatsoever. Maybe they were discussing a school assignment, did you ever think of that? So what do you do? You walk around throwing a hissy fit! You toss her number away just because you saw her in someone else's proximity. Dude, you don't have any relationship with this girl. She doesn't owe you anything. How can you say she was "probably" involved with someone else? We don't go by "probably." We operate only by black and white -- in other words, by the hard facts. We're detectives on "Love & Order," don't forget. We have to know exactly what's what before we jump to any conclusions.

beautiful women are never alone What's more, Madison should be with a guy -- she's a knockout. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "All Beautiful Women have guys hanging around them, like flies on honey -- it's the natural order of things." If you never saw Madison with a guy, she'd be a bowser, right? So what are you kvetching about? You can't have it both ways. Let's move on to your conversation with Madison's go-between, Alyssa. What you should have told her was that you didn't call her friend because you're an idiot. Sure, you do things differently, pal -- you do things wrong. Let me explain something here. The guys who don't call are the guys who feel pressured by a girl to take the home phone number. They really don't care about the girl -- and that's why they don't pick up the phone and dial. But you asked Madison up front for her home phone number and then settled for the cell number. Stop jumping to conclusions, brother...

you jumped the gun Madison never told you she had a boyfriend, did she? She was just talking with someone and automatically you're assuming that they've been as tight as Ben and Jen for the last six months. Let her bring up the fact that she has a squeeze when you're already out on a date with her, buddy. It's not for you to conclude that she's spoken for if you see her standing beside a statue. The last thing you should be doing is crying, "Why would she use me by giving me her number? Why would she insult me like that? Waaaaah!" You're being a Macho Boy here. A mini-Macho Boy who pouts! I mean, look at yourself. Alyssa's practically handing you her girlfriend on a platter and what's your response? Like a baby you're whining, "No, no, I don't want her!" You shouldn't have

been shocked that Madison was interested in you. Instead, you should have been waiting a week to call her. Get your head on straight here.

you're more than lost You, oblivious, Stefano? That's the understatement of the century! You're so far in the dark you make Joe Millionaire look like he's got a clue! Sheesh, man, what more did you want from Madison? She gave you her number, didn't she? She even asked if she could give you her cell number! "Women don't lie and men don't listen." Pay attention to the title of my column, will you? But despite all your screwups, obviously all is not lost. So here's what you do: call Madison up without an attitude, and like a gentleman, act like nothing happened and ask her out on a date. Then go out and make her laugh. Remember guys; don't sulk because you see her with someone else -- if you have her number, call her up and ask her out.

At What Point Should Every Man Walk Away? Hey Doc, This is going to take some time because you always say you want as many details as possible. I've been an avid user of "The System" for about two years now. Your book has more than paid for itself and I'm finally with someone I really enjoy being with. Haley is the girl in the office whom everyone wanted. We started dating nine months ago, and recently my contract took me elsewhere, so we're no longer working together.

her affection is waning Haley is in her early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. We're in month No. 10 and up until now, everything has been going really fine. As of late, I started to notice a little less affection, but nothing major. So I increased the Challenge level and waited for the cruise that we were scheduled to take to determine if something was wrong. The cruise went well, and Haley's Interest Level seemed back up. Until I attempted to propose, that is. She wouldn't let me, and afterward said she thought I was just kidding. Things went downhill fast. The Monday after our cruise, she refused to let me stay at her place -- the first time that's ever happened. I withdrew and didn't contact her until Friday, our

planned date night. As we were driving to our destination, she said she was feeling sick and that we should probably rain check it. At this point, sirens and alarms were going off, so I whipped around and we had a heart-to-heart in her parking lot.

i was willing to end it Haley said we weren't ready to be engaged. She also said that on that previous Monday, a strange man had come into her apartment and he wouldn't leave until she threatened to call the police, and she complained that I didn't seem to care when she told me. I protested that I was both scared for her and angry that she wouldn't let me stay with her that night. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't "deep" enough and that I seem to be playing a role and not sharing "all" of myself with her. I told her I would try and be more open and honest, and mentioned that she didn't always tell me what she was feeling either. I told her I wouldn't beg for her attention or settle for table scraps from her. And that if it had come to this, it was probably over.

her attitude changed She seemed to warm up after that conversation, and we went on an alternate date and then spent the weekend together. She seems to be coming around, but I'm at a loss for what to do next. Should I keep withdrawing and playing "The System" role or should I be more open and let her know my feelings? Haley also said our relationship has been all "fun and games" and that we haven't gotten serious enough to make a lifetime commitment. In the past she said that she wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone before dating them for at least a year, so I'm assuming I just jumped the gun by trying to pop the question. But I want to know how I can maintain this relationship and how I should move forward. Pierce -- who's fumbling for his next move

doc love's reply Hi Pierce, You noticed a little less affection from Haley and you call it "nothing major"? A little less affection from your woman is always major, pal. What other signal would you wait for to realize that you're in trouble? That was your first boo-boo.

You should've been a Challenge from the get-go... You shouldn't have had to increase your Challenge level -- it should have been perfect to begin with. Which means you weren't being a Challenge at all. When you first picked up those negative vibes from Haley, you should have picked up the phone and deep-sixed the sea cruise. When Interest Level starts bottoming out, you're out. Haley's Interest Level after the cruise was back up, all right -- temporarily. And dude, you never ask a woman to get married. You have to wait two years before you even approach a decision like that. The rule is that you can get engaged at the end of two years, and that's when she's so in love with you she can't stand to wait anymore and has to be around you all the time. Guys, you're going to check her Interest Level for 60 days, then, for the next 22 months, you're going to study her Attitude.

you have to wait to propose But you're telling me that you didn't exactly have nine months and two weeks of bliss and then all of a sudden, boom, in the space of two weeks, Haley's Interest Level plummeted like a dud NASA spaceship from 95% to 51%. (Or worse, from 95% to 49%, in which case there's no point in even discussing this any further.) You practiced "The System" for about six to eight months. And then, like most stupid guys, you said to yourself, "Heck, I don't need that stuff anymore." And you know what the good book says: "Pride cometh before the fall." And that's what happened here -- you fell asleep at the wheel and Haley's Interest Level pooped. And it pooped over a long period of time.

marriage was a joke In light of those facts, of course Haley thought your marriage proposal was a joke. It was a stall technique on her part. She wished you were joking, don't you get it? And why isn't she accepting your ring? Because her Interest Level is swirling around the bottom of the toilet, about to make its way out to sea. In essence, you proposed to a woman who had no interest in you. You don't do that. And guy, things didn't go downhill fast. They started going downhill three miles back. It wasn't a steep mountain her Interest Level toppled off; it was a long, long road with a small downhill grade. Are you sure you read "The System"? But you insisted on compounding your errors, didn't you? You shouldn't have tried to stay at her place. You should have just dropped her off and beat it the hell out of there.

Why would you try to stay somewhere you weren't wanted? Wow -- you're as bad as the runaway bride's jilted fianc who still wants her. Heck, you shouldn't have even kissed Haley good night! Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "This is war, amigo!" You should've headed out a while back...

you should've dropped it After that debacle, there was no point in contacting her -- ever. What you should have done instead was change your phone number. When you have problems with a girl, you don't have a planned date. If everything was going great, then okay. Like most men, you gave away the store and took a lot for granted -- including Haley. Know why your girl got sick on you? Low Interest Level. I'm dead serious. Like my cousin Doctor Love says, "When she's sitting there with a guy she doesn't like, low Interest Level can actually make a girl sick to her stomach." And that's what happened to poor Haley. She was stuck with a guy she didn't want and her belly was doing somersaults.

you made things worse Sirens and alarms went off in your brain? Why? The building had already burned down! The fire department got the call hours ago. A heart-to-heart in her parking lot? What you mean, Pierce, is that you turned to begging. Now you're going to grovel. You're not going to be funny and light. Go ahead, be real serious with her now, this is really going to help your cause! Yeah, right. Guess what? You can't raise her Interest Level once it hits 49%. It's not coming back. Did you ask Haley why you couldn't be engaged? Did you ask if it was because her Interest Level is below 50%? Did you get in her face and demand, "Come on, Haley, give it to me straight, tell me the truth for once!" Nah, you didn't, because you were chicken, and you needed to beg.

she felt bad about rejecting you And you could have gone further. You could have asked her for specifics on the role you were allegedly playing. What does she want you to share with her, exactly? Regardless, you weren't going to get a straight answer, buddy. Because when they want to get rid of you, none of them ever say, "You lowered my Interest Level with your deportment." You'll never hear that out of a woman's mouth. No, all you're ever going to get is Womanese, and in this case, the second reason, the third reason, and the fourth reason -- not the first and only reason.

You kept humiliating yourself over and over again...

when she loves you, it's okay Why not? Because women with 95% Interest Level put up with all that other stuff. You've overheard them talking yourself: "I know he doesn't share, but I love him!" "I know he's playing a role, but I adore him!" A woman will put up with anything if her Interest Level is in the 90s. Even after all that humiliation, you're still going to try and be more open and honest. What you're saying, Pierce, is "I'll change for you." You haven't even gotten the ring through your nose at the altar and you're already telling her you're going to get yourself in line and obey like a good doggy? Pathetic. And you want to know if you're a wimp? But it gets even more embarrassing. You accuse Haley of not sharing. The only thing she's not sharing is that her Interest Level is dropping fast. You're already begging for her attention, man. What you're telling her you're not going to do, you're doing right now. You're already accepting her scraps!

it's over, move on It's "probably" over, is it? That just shows how weak you really are. My friend, it's over already. You're just trying to give Haley some wiggle room so she can help you back in. But she's not going to. Women with 49% Interest Level or less don't help you. Women with 51% Interest Level or higher do. That's a hard and fast rule. She warmed up because you finally showed her you had some cojones (maybe not real big ones, but at least you forced a conversation). But don't worry -- it was just an illusion. Instead of sitting there in the parking lot (and remember how many times I've told you guys to stay out of the car!) pouring your guts out, you should have told Haley, "You go your way and I'll go mine. You have my number. Stay away from me for 30 days. If you want to go out after 30 days, give me a call." Like my cousin General Love says, "When it's wartime, it's hardball time." But you don't get it, Pierce, and so you acted like a wuss. It doesn't matter how you act now. Because when her interest in you is somewhere below the Mason-Dixon Line, you're out. And you're in the 40% to 49% range. That means she's with you, but she doesn't dig you.

She'll yo-yo you and toss you her scraps, and then it'll end. And then you'll go on to the next one. And you'll repeat your mistakes with another dream girl. Haley was right about waiting until a year goes by for marriage. I say you have to wait for two. All you did was verify that she has low Interest Level. And you reinforced that low Interest Level by popping the question. Remember guys; once the girl loses respect -- which is the foundation of Interest Level -- for you, you can never get her back.

Should Men Trust Their Intuition? Hi Doc, First let me say thanks, because I've learned so much from "The System." I'm 26 years old, currently unemployed, and have never had a long-term relationship with a girl. While on vacation with my friend recently, we saw lots of women in restaurants, bars, theaters, even in church. My friend is a scientist, very articulate, and has a girlfriend (who he cheats on, incidentally), and whenever we encountered a woman he would encourage me to go up to her and get her phone number. If I'm interested in a girl, I naturally take the initiative and try to get her number. But I also have this "sixth sense" that tells me whether a girl is interested in me and prevents me from wasting my time chasing a lost cause. My friend kept urging me to forget my intuition and just go up to her and get her number. His philosophy is that I should get as many numbers as I can and not put all my eggs in one basket (which I tend to do by getting fixated on one girl at a time), and that way I won't get hurt. Anyway, while we were on this vacation, I caved in to his nagging and approached a girl at a nearby table in a pub, and asked for her number. Now I'm not shy, and excuse me for being pessimistic, but from previous experience I was convinced that this girl wasn't going to give me her number. She hadn't been looking at me, for one thing. My friend said he'd accompany me to the table when I went.

i went for it We both went over, made some small talk, and then I asked for her number. Surprisingly, she gave it to me, but frankly, I'm still questioning why she did. I figure she must be playing me since I can sometimes be naïve on the uptake in social situations. She lives about an hour away, and it's been a few days and I haven't called her yet.

The reason I'm writing you is that I feel that I know myself and usually pick up on girls' lack of signals, but my friend is always after me for not taking opportunities that supposedly present themselves. I hate feeling pressured to have to do something when I don't think it's going to succeed. Am I being too down on myself? Any advice you could give me on this conflict would be deeply appreciated. Walker -- who doesn't like to go against his instincts

doc love's reply Hi Walker, First of all, thank you for the thanks. Now, my friend, are you out there pounding the pavement for a job 10 hours a day? I certainly hope so. What are you saying to all these girls you're meeting when they ask where you work? Are you telling them you're between careers? At 26 years old, I hope you're not telling them you're waiting to hear on your application at the local Burger King. To you Psych majors, they only want to know you when you own 38 or more franchises. You should be learning from your friend...

you need a wingman Walker, if your buddy gets away with cheating on his girl, you can learn a lot from this guy, though the two of you have it only half right. It's good that he encourages you to be aggressive and get home phone numbers, but he should be the point man. In other words, he should have gone and rapped to the girl in the pub instead of you. Since he has nothing to lose, he could have sized her up and you wouldn't have had to be involved. The way it stands now, he's happy to make you go to war, but he doesn't want to carry the gun himself. So he should take the point and back you up. He's a cheater, right? Approaching women is no skin off his nose. Taking the initiative and getting the girl's home phone number is what you should always do. But regarding this so-called "sixth sense" of yours, you have to ask yourself: Are you 100% right on? Or are you usually right, or just sometimes right? "The System" states that if a babe is standing there and it's no big deal to move in on her, then you should approach her like a gentleman, strike up a conversation, and ask for her home phone number. And forget about getting "fixated," dude. What in the world are you thinking? Have you noticed how many attractive girls are running around out there? When you're going with a girl for six months and she dumps you, then you can get hurt and cry. But when a girl turns you

down for a home phone number, you can't get all sensitive. Like my cousin General Love says, "Do you have any idea how far you have to go in this war, soldier? You better buck up!"

it's in your head Walker, you're manufacturing a big problem here. Dating is a numbers game. As we say in sales, you're not going to close every deal. And guys, you have to remember never to take a woman's rejection personally. Most girls give you buying signals. But a small minority don't. And maybe this girl you were after, Walker, was the ultra-conservative type, and she didn't want to appear cheap trying to pick up a guy in a pub who's on welfare. (On that note, you better land a job fast. When you're gainfully employed again you'll walk more erect, and the girls will notice and send you positive signals.) You did something right... But you went up to this honey anyway. Good for you. And she gave you her home phone number. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "So much for your intuition!" Intuition doesn't lie, but you have to know how to read it.

her number is half the battle Nevertheless, the fact that she gave you the number means nothing; so don't worry about whether or not she's just playing with your head. Until you get to nine dates with a girl, none of this preliminary stuff means anything. You're just getting started here. And since you've never been with a girl for a long time, you've got a lot to learn. You say you're naïve. Why are you laying this trip on yourself, pal? Don't worry about whether or not you're reading her signals correctly. You're just going to Starbucks for half an hour to check her out. You're not giving this girl a whole night of your time and dropping $68.50. You're buying her a fancy grande latte for $10 and leaving a $5 tip -- because you're a guy who knows how to tip, even though you're in the unemployment compensation queue every other week.

you have nothing to lose Your friend's right about the fact that you're not capitalizing on opportunities. But the odds aren't so good the way you're doing it. It's always better to go after a girl who's giving you buying signals. But if you're out on the town and you can get a number, how long does it take? Only 20 seconds, that's all. No big deal. Like I said, it's a numbers game. You have to go through a lot of them before you find the right one. And you never know where or when that's going to happen, so it's best to try as many times as possible.

My friend, you're being way, way too down on yourself. Are you sure you read my book? You have to stop being so scared of women, that's your main problem, and the first step in overcoming your fear is committing "The System" to memory so that you're armed and ready for anything. (And again, let me remind you that you were wrong about the girl in the pub because she gave you her number. So much for your negative instincts.) Remember guys; until you do your homework, nothing's going to happen.

Can Women Become Interested Over Time? Hey Doc, Let me first say that I love "The System." I don't doubt your veracity and expertise as the greatest love doctor of all. However, recently, while surfing the Web, I stumbled on another love doctor whose name I won't mention. He wrote an intriguing article on "confident persistence" (I'm sure you've read it), and this is why I'm writing you. This other love doctor spoke of the idea that most women, upon meeting a guy, do not necessarily display extreme high interest, even if they are interested, and that they may also display your typical female distractions, i.e., date breaking, unreturned phone calls, etc. I think of myself as a pretty smart young fellow and although I am a novice in the area of romance, his assessment struck a chord in me. The world today is lot busier and complicated than it used to be, and affairs of the heart and romance are not the highest priority on everyone's list anymore -- and this includes even men. Therefore, meeting someone new can either take second place to work and career, or make us more wary of affairs of the heart.

persist with confidence So my question is this: should a guy "persist with confidence" when he's interested in a woman, even if she seems not all that focused on him at the start? Maybe she's just so busy that she can't concentrate on the guy at first, but his continued attentions will bring her around. Make sense? As much as I like and am compelled to follow your advice, I am also one who does not like to rule out the possibility of alternatives. (No one theory is foolproof!) I have just received "The System" and am in the early stages of memorizing it. In time, you can even put me to the test to see if I am up to snuff. But now I'm putting you to the test, Doc. If you are who you say you are, then the possibility of "deviations" to "The System" should be welcomed.

P.S. I have a question about the answering machine. I know it's a mistake to leave a message on a woman's machine asking for a date. Should I say, "Please give me a call back," or should I hang up as soon as her angelic voice says she "can't be reached right now"? Thanks. Always a pleasure. Gary -- who's trying to make sense of it all

doc love's answer Hi Gary, Thanks for the letter and your generous words. Now let me set you straight on a few things. It's true, as your other love doctor says, that some babes won't display extreme high interest when meeting a guy. Most, however, will display at least some buying signals if they're interested. Broken dates are never good... But the point is this: you've got a lot of work to do if the girl's Interest Level is 55%, versus the 75% or 80% she'll show you straight out of the chute if you happen to be a cover boy for Esquire magazine.

date breaking is deal breaking But where I disagree 100% with your other love doctor is on the subject of date breaking. No girl with true positive Interest Level -- meaning 51% or higher -- is going to break a date. Because a broken date is all about low Interest Level, in other words, Interest Level below 50%. And like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Which means she ain't interested at all, and no amount of chasing her is going to change that." So, Gary, we can agree on one point your other dating coach makes, but then on a crucial matter, he's dead wrong. That's why I tell you guys that until you have my stuff down cold, you shouldn't be fooling around with quacks. They might have a decent idea here and there, I'm not saying they don't, but you can't make a good decision about what to keep and what to discard because you're not ready. And remember that their notions are just that, ideas, where on the other hand I've been in the trenches interviewing the real thing -- women -- for decades. Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, "Theory is no substitute for practice."

never leave phone messages

And your other love doctor is off target on the topic of unreturned phone calls, too. Here my rule is simple: you shouldn't be leaving messages to return in the first place -- period. If you're such a smart fellow, Gary, why are you leaving voice mails when my book says not to? To you Psych majors, you do not want to appear to be a clueless desperado. You, a novice in the area of romance, Gary? Gosh, you're kidding! I would never have known! Wow, you had me fooled! But seriously, the other love doctor struck a chord in you because you wanted to believe him. It's your ego reacting here, and as you guys know, you have to set your ego aside when it comes to the opposite sex. You might want to think that you can win Angelina Jolie over, but without the required Interest Level, it's not happening. The Reality Factor says that once your ego is involved, you can't see clearly, and that's because you want to see things your way.

business doesn't kill romance The world might be busier and more complicated than it used to be, but so what? Two and two still equals four the last time I checked. So I dispute totally that romance is a lower priority in today's world. You always get the home number... If a woman wants to get married and have babies, and if a guy is lonely and he'd do anything to get a woman... well, think about what will happen. Between those two factors, romance and love is going to be a high priority. Hey, even Donald Trump finds time to get hitched, doesn't he? The reason women don't return phone calls is not because of their obsession with their careers. It's because of low Interest Level. When a woman returns a call, she has high Interest Level. I know this is real hard for most guys to grasp, but it's the truth. And that's what is great about the Bottom Line Factor -- all you have to do is bottom-line her actions. Nevertheless, like I said before, you shouldn't be leaving phone messages.

always get the home number If a woman doesn't give you the time of day at the start, it depends on what you mean by "at the start." The simplest and most effective way to gauge Interest Level is to go up to her, get her name, make her laugh, and then ask her the magic question: "Caprice, what's your home phone number?" That's your display of confident persistence, and it stops right there. Whether or not Caprice gives you or doesn't give you the number doesn't make a lick of

difference. But it is the moment of truth, and you don't need any more in the way of tactics or strategies to figure out where you stand. If Caprice coughs up some lame excuse, anything other than the seven digits you asked for, it's "Nice talking to you, Caprice." You smile, shake her hand, and walk off into the sunset.

if she likes you, she'll notice So, should you show continued attention to a girl who seems to be distracted? Gary, Gary, Gary. Golly, you've got a long way to go. Let's say there's a Victoria's Secret model standing right in front of me, but I'm so busy and preoccupied with other business that she hardly registers on my radar screen, and I just can't pay any attention to her. Uh, right. Does that make any sense? Is any love doctor foolproof? In the immortal words of my cousin Fast Eddie Love, "Doc Love comes the closest!" Guy, your letter tells me that you're in the very, very early stages of memorizing "The System." If you want me to test you on what you know, get back to me in about seven years. There are no deviations from "The System." I call these little side issues the "advanced class." For instance, there might be fine distinctions between the concepts of Confidence and Challenge, and these will be explored after "The System" is already memorized. You'll then get what I call puffs of wisdom from all your study and you'll know the right answer. So they're not deviations, dude. Let's call them subsets of my rules. Finally, regarding the answering machine, let me reiterate. It's a mistake -- forever -- to leave a message. Why don't you just yelp instead like a little puppy and beg her to "please love me" -- in doggy talk? Remember guys; when they like you, they help you.

Top 5 Things That Lower Interest Level Hey Doc, After all these years of reading your column, I can honestly say that I've never gotten tired of it and have learned so much from you that I would consider myself to be on the road to mastery, if such a thing can ever be achieved when it comes to the opposite sex. And now, having you on the radio is an even bigger bonus! I hope you become more popular than Howard Stern! Lord knows it would help all the hapless guys in the world. Which leads

me to my request. I watch many of my friends blow it with women they really want. Sadly, I had to place myself in this same category, until, as I said, I discovered "The System" and transformed myself from a loser with women into a winner. And I've seen my buddies do it all -- call their women too often, indulge their whims with expensive gifts and dinners, and then kiss their lovely butts after the women treated them like crap and rejected them for other, less worthy guys. It's been an ugly sight to behold, Doc.

what turns women off? I wonder if you would grace us with a list of the top behaviors that make a woman's Interest Level drop. Then we could all print the column out and paste it onto our computers or carry it in our wallets as a sort of "first watch" checklist. You know, something along the lines of "Top Deadliest Mistakes Men Make To Force A Woman's Interest Level Into The Toilet" -that sort of thing. Seriously, I think it would be of aid to millions of men the world over. And there's a hidden agenda for me here, too. I'm dating a woman who's a 9.5 and I don't want to make some of the blunders I've made in the past. Anyway, thanks again for all your help, Doc. You are truly the greatest love doctor who ever lived. Payton -- who'd like to see it all spelled out

doc love's answer Hi Payton, It is actually possible to achieve mastery when it comes to the opposite sex, my friend. Of course such mastery isn't achieved overnight. It takes months, years, of work to come even close to handling women. But I want you to go back in time and think about the day "The System" arrived in your mailbox and you were just unwrapping it. Do you remember how clueless you were about the girls at that moment? Now, how much do you know about the fairer sex today? There's your answer. That's what'll tell you how far you've come. And, no doubt, if you've memorized "The System" and put its principles into practice like an accomplished artist, you're a heck of a lot better off than you were back then. Like my cousin Brother Love says, "Truth, not falsehood, leads to wisdom and awareness." And that's my job -- to lift the fog for you guys. What you're saying, Payton, is that my techniques have brought you closer to holding your own in the war. And make no mistake, as

my cousin General Love says, "It's total war out there!" Discover the weapons you need to conquer the ladies...

successful dating tips So congratulations on turning yourself from a loser into a winner. And on your road to mastery, I'm sure you learned the truth of whether the lovely and beautiful Beth O is with Howard Stern because of his drop-dead good looks or because of that half-a-billion-dollar contract he's going to be bringing down from satellite radio. You talk about the "less worthy" guys your friends lost their women to. Actually, they only appear to be less worthy. Deep down, they're really bad guys. And some ladies dig bad guys, because they're what we call "Negative Challenges." Why do you think a wrinkled old coot like Jack Nicholson still attracts female attention?

dating trouble But yes, you're right, the torture that guys are subjected to at the hands of the ladies is ugly to behold, buddy. But isn't it funny that when you finally get hip to what's really going on, it all becomes as clear as day? You go out to a club and you notice that the girls are yawning and looking around the room with absolutely no Interest Level, and the guys hitting on them are making fools of themselves, and they don't even see it even though their faces are a mere 18 inches apart. But you see it, dude. Amazing, isn't it?

mistakes that lower interest level So, you'd like to see a list of the main things that lower Interest Level... Well, have you ever noticed that 90% of the time guys don't get past the first date and can't score a second date? Why is that? After all, she went out with you and appeared to have a good time (or at least you thought she did) -- so what the heck happened? What did you do wrong? Paste the following blunders up on your computer screen: 1- You talk too much. Most guys yak way too much. They talk about things that don't raise Interest Level. They don't even think to ask themselves, "Is this going to help my cause?" No, they just blabber. Quit blabbering, guys. 2- You talk down to the woman. In reality, she's twice as smart as you are. Now how intelligent is that? 3- You BS. You all know that my articles are rated G, so I have to say this as delicately as

possible: guys fling the horse manure. And here's the problem with BS -- she's got built-in radar. She knows when you're telling the truth. She knows how to perceive sincerity. She knows that you weren't really an all-state first-team quarterback and that you're not writing best-selling novels under a pseudonym. 4- You talk about sex. It's a turnoff. It might work in Hollywood movies, but it turns out that the girl you're taking out is conservative. She actually goes to church and she's a nice girl. The last thing she wants to hear from you is bad dialogue out of a porn flick. Yet you insist on doing your worst imitation of Ron Jeremy. Drop it. 5- You don't walk erect. Don't laugh. This falls under the heading of personal grooming. Some guys don't walk -- or look -- like human beings. It might have worked for Keith Richards when he snagged his hot young model wife, but then again, you don't have his zillions in the bank. And don't forget to get a haircut, take a good shower (and use soap), and make sure you don't have holes in your wardrobe. It's basic, but lots of men forget the basics. It's like trying to play basketball without knowing how to dribble or shoot. On the other hand, if you're in a band, it doesn't matter -- the dirtier the better. Above all, keep your mouth shut unless it's light and funny. For more tips, check out "The System." Remember guys; unless it lifts her Interest Level, why are you talking about it?

Is "The System" Too Powerful? Hey Doc, I have a question about "The System." It's obvious that it works. I've been using it for three years and every time I get in a pinch, I've learned to say to myself, "What would Doc do?" Or if I meet a woman and run out of things to say, I'll just blurt out, "Can I have your home phone number?" It's also shown me the ways to identify the good ones. For instance, I used to work out at a gym on Sunset Boulevard, and there was this beauty who worked at the front desk. This girl had the face of an angel and a body that would make Naomi Campbell go running to the treadmill. So I went up to her one day, said hello and asked for her name. She smiled and answered me. Unfortunately, she didn't ask me for my name. Even though I was dying to get to know her, it was pretty obvious that unless my last name was Bruckheimer, she wasn't giving me the time of day. So I told her it was nice meeting her and moved on. I've since left California and am living in New England. The women here aren't quite the

knockouts that grow out in the Golden State, but they are a lot more grounded and are the kind of women whose company I enjoy more often.

gorgeous women could handle it My problem is that your principles work on such a high level that it may be too powerful here. Let me explain. Using your rules in California allowed me to date the super-hotties that, once I detected their flaws and got rid of them, would have no problem grabbing some other poor schlep and making him her next victim. But women in New England are more kindhearted, and a little more fragile than those on the West Coast. While "The System" would attract many L.A. women and make them want to chase me, it makes them fall head over heels for me here. Is "The System" only for long-term relationships? Read on... This one girl I was out with here squared her shoulders to mine, leaned toward me, and practically never broke eye contact the whole night. This may not sound like a problem, but from a guy who really doesn't know if he wants to ever get married, but loves the company of women, it's difficult. Especially if you know you're really going to hurt these women's feelings or break their hearts. I developed my sense of humor over the years so that I can get them laughing and touching my knee on the first date every time. And we all know women love a man who can make them laugh.

is the system forever? So what I'm asking is this: Is "The System" just for guys who want to get a woman to stay with them forever? And if so, how can I apply what I learned so that I can just date casually, and not feel like a jerk if a good girl really starts liking me and I'm just not feeling it for her? There's no worse feeling than having to tell a sweet, Flexible Giver that you just want to be friends, when she's the kind of girl whose eyes light up when you walk in the room. I know women have been doing it to us for centuries, but that still doesn't stop me from feeling like a jerk. I was thinking that I could just go back to my old routines and they'd eventually leave me, but why would I want to throw away all that I've learned? I just want to tone it down a bit. I don't want to be a "player," but I love the dating game. Stromile -- who wants to be free to date them all

doc love's answer Hi Stromile, I can't tell you how great it is that you ask yourself what Doc Love would do in a given situation with a woman. Because if you ask yourself what to do, you're going to flub it. If, however, you ask yourself, "What would Cary Grant do or say?" or Clint Eastwood, or Robert

De Niro, or Jackie Chan, then the answer will pop into your head and you'll know the right course of action. The reason you get into a pinch is because out of nowhere babes are going to throw you a verbal curveball, and you have to know how to come back on a dime without mumbling or going completely dumb -- like most guys do. Asking "What's your home phone number?" is the exact thing you should do when there's nothing left to say. Beautiful, man, good for you. Because when there's no more to say, that is the best time to blurt out that all-important question. When you're through with your sales pitch, you close and ask for the order. Period. Now let me address how you handled that bombshell behind the counter on Sunset Boulevard. You were great, pal, nothing short of fantastic. Most guys would keep hanging around like hungry dogs, and they'd ask her out four or five more times until they were totally humiliated and were ordered to hit the bricks. But you moved on first. Unlike you, most guys would beat a dead horse. Like my cousin Jethro Love says, "When you're at a fishin' hole and the fish ain't bitin', don't sit around there waitin' for 20 years, boy. Get yourself off to another fishin' hole!" You've gotta move on to the next woman...

don't waste your time And that's what you guys have to do. Because dating is a numbers game, and no matter how much you like the "10" standing behind the gym counter, you're not a big-time Hollywood producer. Congratulations on recognizing the reality of the situation and not wasting your time. Stromile, what you're saying is that the women in Southern California have no depth, as opposed to your average New England earth mother. But who's going to leave those small towns in the bucolic hills to come to Tinseltown? The Beautiful Women, that's who. That's why you can drive down Sunset Boulevard and every 20 feet see another Liz Hurley or Heather Locklear look-alike. Hollywood is an entertainment center, and of course it has the weather. And if you weigh 240 pounds, you're not going to spend time at the beach, unless you happen to be a beached baby beluga whale. So why would the "3s" and "5s" move to California? You ask if "The System" is too powerful. Like I told you guys at the very beginning -- this stuff is nitro. Not dynamite, not an Uzi -- this is nitro. That's what you have here in my techniques. Even Supergirl has no defense against it, because it's kryptonite. If these California honeys were so terrible that they drove you straight into the Snow Belt, Stromile, maybe you were just hooking up with the wrong women. Maybe you were picking aspiring actresses. Sounds to me like that was your problem. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If you have a choice between an actress and a girl with a real job, don't be an idiot -- take the clinically sane girl."

play the field It's true that on average the women of New England are more kindhearted, but you know what "Fast Eddie" Love says: "Getting them to flip over you is like shooting fish in a barrel!" But the California girls would fall head over heels for you too, if you found a nice, sweet one. What you should have said to that girl who locked eyes with you was, "I hope I'm not going too fast for you, baby." But you're not here to get married, my friend. You're here to date as many women as possible so that when you meet the right one, you have the know-how and ability to keep her. But until then, you're supposed to go out with thousands of women. Never pity the enemy...

never feel guilty Don't walk around feeling sorry for your dates, dude. As General Love would put it, "Why are you feeling sorry for the enemy?" And let me compliment you on your cultivated ability to get women to laugh. You're a great student. To your question about whether my principles are designed to get a woman to stay with you forever, the answer is yes -- eventually. But buddy, you're not ready. You're not ready because you're not getting rid of the ones you don't want and feeling good about it. I don't care if they're jumping off 10-story buildings because you left them. You're there to learn from them, experience what you can, get an education, and then move on. Gosh, Stromile, don't you ever watch Divorce Court?

doc love's answer But seriously, it's not like you're going out with these girls for eight months and then callously dumping them and driving them to commit hari-kari. Women with high enough Interest Level fall in love with you somewhere between the third and the sixth date. As soon as they start coming on heavy, Stromile, just walk if you don't have any feelings for them. And guy, that's the greatest feeling in the world. There's no better feeling than dropping a woman and not feeling remorse -- or anything. That's what you have to understand. Don't you watch TV commercials, where all guys are portrayed as idiots? Don't you see how the Feministas rule? Come on, dude! Wake up! Two things happen in any relationship with a female. You either break up, or you get married. So don't get bent out of shape over it. One last point. Why are you seeing these girls if you don't like them? Don't mislead them. You don't want her falling in love with you after the fourth date if you're not into her. As soon as you realize she's not for you, drop her.

No, Stromile, you don't want to throw away everything I've taught you. But you've got to get over your sympathy syndrome. Let me repeat what I said before: never feel sorry for the enemy. You're not being a player by looking out for yourself. If you feel bad about dropping girls, you don't understand "The System" yet. Go back and study. Remember guys; when they drop you, they smile.

Can Her Interest Vanish Overnight? Hey Doc, Before I ask my question, I want to thank you for all the great advice and time you put into helping out all of us guys, especially with "The System." My dilemma is more painful than I'd like to admit, and I really need some good advice on this. I've been with a beautiful young woman named Stephanie for nearly four years now. I'm a civil engineer in my late 20s and she's almost through college on a full scholarship. Our relationship has been quite possibly as good as it can get. In these four years we have never gotten into a fight or even a loud quarrel. We have been talking about marriage and our financial future is secure. Now here's the part that just baffles me. Up until a month ago our relationship was absolutely great, we told each other everything, and we were still crazy for each other in every way. (My friends couldn't understand how we were all over each other after four years, like we'd just met.)

now there's competition Well, for the past few weeks, Stephanie has suddenly been in a hurry on the phone and sort of ignoring me at times. The reason for this -- and I found out from her -- is that a guy has been trying to get her to date him. This guy is only 18 and works at a fast-food restaurant! The guy and I know each other, by the way. Needless to say, I'm furious, but did not show my anger toward Stephanie. After all, I'm angry with the other guy, not her. Just yesterday I found out that this guy, who is apparently very persistent, invited himself and a friend to go with Stephanie and her friends to the mall and the movies. After the movie he pulled her toward him and kissed her. She said it threw her for a loop -- as in surprised, not as in fireworks.

she wants freedom But now she isn't sure if we should separate and try dating other people! Needless to say, I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. Actually, I've not felt this kind of pain since my own father died when I was 11, and that is a lot of pain. Please give me some advice if you can, Doc. I feel completely torn apart and devastated, which is funny since I'm a big guy who played football and you'd never know how I feel by looking at me. I can't seem to clear all the confusion in my mind. My perfect relationship with this Beautiful Woman has been changed overnight. Please let me know what you think about all this. Thanks in advance. Swiftie -- who doesn't know if he can deal with it

doc love's answer Hi Swiftie, I'm not only helping guys, pal. I'm also helping out lots of other people -- like all the ladies of the world. Why? Because I'm trying to make Cary Grants out of you apes with "The System." Never fighting is not a good sign... Now wait a minute here. You've been going out with Stephanie for four years and you never had a disagreement? As my cousin Jethro Love would say, "There's a problem here, my boy!" Because there has to be a reason -- and not a good reason -- you two never had it out even once. Is it because you've always given in, like a nice Wimpus Americanus? Is it because you've been doing the perfect imitation of a doormat? Did you just go along with whatever Stephanie wanted from day one? Or did she give in to you all along but deep down inside resented it -and, eventually, you?

money isn't what she wants Your financial future might be as sewn up as Bill Gates', Swiftie, but I wouldn't count on anything else if you marry this girl. Not having even one air-clearing argument in four years is a big red flag. You say you told your girl everything. And now you're sitting there telling me my advice is great, but you know that one-third of "The System" says that you guys have to keep your mouths shut and be a Challenge. So what's the deal -- have you followed my rules, or only Stephanie's wishes?

Here's another, more devious problem you have and don't even know it: when Interest Level starts heading south, women fake it. When Stephanie's Interest Level was tumbling from a lofty 95% to 85%, she only pretended it was 85%, but it was really 75%. And when she got tired of faking it, all of a sudden it appeared to drop from 75% to 45%. But that was an illusion too, because it really didn't drop that fast. It was falling slowly and steadily, like a mountain stream, and in your case, it could have been falling as far back as a year, even a year and a half ago. You never let her chase you...

you should have let her chase I just wish Stephanie would have been all over you more, and you'd been all over her a little less during those four years, and you wouldn't be in this predicament now. Nevertheless, you definitely lowered her Interest Level, Swiftie. You did something wrong, big-time. And that's your problem in a nutshell. But let's move on to your immediate impasse anyway. Now just look at your logic here. Some guy wants to take Stephanie out on a date. You said she was beautiful, so what's the surprise? She can have three dates a night if she wants to. When other guys are after Stephanie, your insurance is her 95% Interest Level in you. So, like I said, you had to have lowered her Interest Level. That's why it's impossible to steal a girl. Actually "stealing" a girl would be swiping someone who has 95% Interest Level in a guy -but that doesn't happen. It can't happen. Her Interest Level has to be south of the border for her to be so vulnerable to being kidnapped in the first place.

the other guy isn't your problem Here's something else to consider. This new guy may only work at a fast-food restaurant, but maybe he has a personality and you don't. Maybe you're a boring engineer and you don't even know it. So don't be angry with this kid. He's done nothing wrong. And, as I said, apparently Stephanie is receptive to him. You're the kind of guy who discovers his wife with her lover and then shoots the lover instead of her! And then the guy kills himself and the woman walks away scot-free and marries the cop. It's stupid, dude! (Now I don't want all you Feministas out there getting your knickers in a twist. I'm not saying that any woman should be shot -- no one should ever be shot.) But why do men go after the other guy who moved in? Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "After all, it was the woman who chose the new meat!"

Don't think for a minute that the guy chased her in vain...

she wanted him too Regarding the whole mall/movie episode, you have to come to grips with this fact, Swiftie: Stephanie had to tell Mister Burger King what she and her friends were planning that night. And what the heck is she doing rapping to this guy, especially when she knows he's coming on to her? Why is she so amenable to his charms when she doesn't have time to talk to you on the phone? Know why? To you Psych majors, because her Interest Level is circling in the sink, that's why! Swiftie, I'll tell you one thing -- I couldn't teach your 18-year-old rival very much. He might only flip cheeseburgers for a living, and he might still be living at home with his mommy and daddy, but he gets an A+ in Women 101! This guy has you breaking up with Stephanie after a single kiss? Wow -- he is a firecracker!

she lost interest gradually What you have to get through your head, buddy, is this: your heart started to rip apart a year and a half ago. Interest Level doesn't take a swan dive overnight. It disappears in slow, steady increments. You might have owned this girl for a long, long time, but you dated her when she was between 18 and 22. Like Fast Eddie Love says, "I don't trust any girl between 18 and 22 with my Interest Level." Find yourself somebody 25 or 26 years young. And you are going to have to find somebody else for yourself now, I'm sorry to say.

rejection hurts And I'm also truly sorry you're going through such pain, guy. There's no worse torture in life than being rejected by a woman you worship. But as I pointed out before, a lot of guys love my advice, brag about how smart I am, and then don't follow my advice. I can give you a helpful hint, and then a certain sticky situation will arise and you won't follow it. So, guys, memorize "The System" or forget women. Swiftie, your perfect relationship wasn't wrecked overnight. But on the other side of the coin, you have to remember that Time is mankind's greatest healer. Remember guys; romantic love takes constant vigilance.

Did Brad Have To Soothe Jen's Insecurities? Hi Doc, I've been a faithful reader of your columns for over three years now. I've tried to use "The System" -- especially the one about being a Challenge -- in my current relationship with June (we've been together for over two years), but it's not working as well as I thought it would. There's something wrong, but I don't know what it is. June and I met in our last year of college. We started dating after three weeks of getting to know each other as classmates. I used your techniques from the get-go and they worked! I appeared confident, decisive, and didn't always give in to June's whims. I guess that's how we've been able to stay together, and she even moved to Taiwan from her homeland (Hong Kong) for me. But this is where things might have gone wrong. June is an incredibly insecure girl. Let me give you an example. On our first date, which was lunch, we were at a restaurant where some of the customers at other tables were being noisy. Therefore, I decided that we should leave. However, she interpreted this to mean that I didn't care about her and acted stone cold for the rest of the evening. When I asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't say a word. Finally, her friends intervened and resolved the situation.

she loves romance Another example is that she'll compare the movies and novels she reads with her life, and concludes that a guy should do anything for the girl he loves. Doc, since this is her first relationship, all she can compare me to are the men from the movies and books she's read. So if I don't measure up well (in her mind) to the fictional guys, she becomes fearful that I don't love her enough. Then she'll try and catch my attention by acting really sad and angry, and I have to spend hours comforting her and reassuring her that I care a lot for her. The problem is now worse, because June moved across the ocean to be with me, which means she has even higher expectations and demands of our relationship. The slightest imperfection or misunderstanding can cause her to worry and doubt the relationship. And since she is so insecure, she tries to save face by terminating the relationship first. Whenever she pulls this tactic, however, she ends up crying and regretting what she said and did. Doc, I'm at my wit's end. How do I deal with such a sensitive and insecure girl? If I remain a Challenge, she'll think I don't compare with the romantic "wussies" from the Hollywood movies. Does being a Challenge work for a girl with low self-esteem and insecurities? Help!

Mick -- who got himself into a mess and doesn't know how to get out

doc love's answer Hi Mick, Before we get into the heart of your fix, I want to point something out. When you appear confident, it doesn't matter what country the woman's from, as you've demonstrated here. She can be from Mongolia or she can be from Montana, but all women, all over the world, want a confident, decisive guy. You showed her you're a real man...

compromise is important Secondly, you mentioned that June wanted to do things that you didn't. So how did you handle it? You compromised a little. You gave some ground to her, but to the rest of her demands you said no. So I want to thank you for writing that sentence. Most guys would just read it and not give it a second thought, but there is a lot of power in it, and like Fast Eddie Love would say, "Dude, you showed that you have some real cojones." Mick, there doesn't have to be any guessing on your part about why you two stayed together. Your ability to take a stand and say no is definitely the reason. When a woman moves for you -- in your case, across the South China Sea -- that indicates high Interest Level. What you have to do is keep the Interest Level high -- that's the hard part. But at the same time, you have to have something to work with. And sadly, you don't have that here. I'll explain a little later. When you left the restaurant, Mick, did you tell June why? Did you say, "Honey, let's go find a place that's a little more quiet?" Apparently you didn't explain it to her, or she didn't hear it. She pouted when you left, though, and that's the most problematic thing here.

This "mature" woman that you're in love with acts like a 7-year-old. And like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "When they act like 7-year-olds and you live with them, that means they're high maintenance, baby!" And of course that means you have to put up with lots of stuff. Oh, it'll be cute for a couple of months, but then you know what happens? It becomes a real drag. The celebrity news is full of high maintenance babes. Think J.Lo. Think Liz Taylor. Think Raquel Welch. That's 15 marriages among them -- and counting. Think those three beauties are easy to keep satisfied? To you Psych majors, think again.

show her how real men act Mick, if your girl has trouble confusing crappy entertainment with real life, you should be showing her Cary Grant films. When she wants to read, give her The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand so she can get to know Howard Roark. Between the two, she'll get an idea of how a real man acts. What you're telling me here is that if you don't crawl around on your hands and knees and beg, and tell her everything is perfect all the time (when you're really miserable) like the wussies in the movies and romance novels do, she can't handle it. Sounds like your girl is in tune with reality, buddy! And then you started begging... But wait a minute here, Mick. After you have the guts to stand up -- at least some of the time - to this girl, you then turn around and spend hours begging? You spend hours playing nursemaid? And you call yourself a Challenge when you're down on your knees "reassuring" and "comforting" your unhappy princess? Is that what you're telling me here, Mister Consistent Confidence? Get a grip, man!

tell it like it is So, she has even bigger expectations of your relationship? Tough! You don't care about her expectations -- and you're not going to meet them. It's time for her to grow up or pack her bags. When June gets all insecure and sniveling, and asks you where you've been, tell her, "I've been out on a date with another woman." If she bitches that she doesn't like that kind of talk from you, you then say, "Well, don't bring it up, babe! It's time for you to grow up. I'm sick and tired of you acting like a second-grader!" And when she tosses a hissy fit and terminates the relationship, tell her, "Honey, every time you leave, you come back. Don't you feel a little funny pulling that lame act, huh?" Mick, what it boils down to is that this girl is a mess, and how she got her hooks into you I'll never understand. Remember what I've told you guys again and again about making sure she's clinically sane before you get involved. You'd be surprised how many girls out there aren't. To you Psych majors, you have to be very, very careful from the get-go, and not let her luscious bee-stung lips and legs that go on forever obscure what you're really seeing.

tell her to grow up Here's how you deal with June. You sit her down and give her a talk. You tell her to grow up or shove off! It's her problem if she compares you unfavorably with the romantic wussies on

the silver screen. Because you're not going to play along with it. You're not going to cater to her. You're going to do what's right. Because like my Uncle Jethro Love puts it, "Golly! You ain't even got married yet! Once you tie that knot, it's really going to be fun, boy!" So the answer to your question, pal, is yes, using Challenge on June did work. It showed you that she's no good for you. Challenge always works when it comes to women. Always. Remember guys; begging only lowers Interest Level.

Is It Okay If She Hangs Out With Another Man? Hey Doc, I've been dating Samantha for two years and everything has been truly wonderful. I have followed "The System" to the letter. The 60 days of Challenge got her hooked, and then came the romance and affection. Samantha treats me like a king. Just the other day she gave me a card with a picture of a baby boy on the front. What she was telling me without coming out and saying it was how she really wants to marry me, and this is what our kid will look like. Now here's the kicker, Doc. She even put a little money in it for me. She does stuff like this for me all the time. She even paid for my plane ticket to go and see her parents with her this past Christmas.

i'm a little jealous So what's my problem? Well, it's an issue related to Self-Control and jealousy. I know you said that jealousy is an absolute no-no and that guys have to have Self-Control at all times. Here's what shakes mine. Every month Samantha has to go out of town for two days to attend a seminar for her job. When she comes back, she tells me about this dude in her program who's really cool and how they talk and then go out to dinner. Then she goes on to say she finally met someone in her seminar -- meaning him -- who isn't a total jerk (because everyone else there is arrogant). Now when she tells me all this, I play it cool. Samantha recounts how she showed my picture to this guy and told him all about how we met, and he in turn talks about his girlfriend.

okay, not just a little jealous

I told her "That's great," but inside I'm thinking that this dude is trying to move in on my girl, know what I mean? Samantha's actions show that she loves me, but I can't help but think maybe I'm being hoodwinked here. I mean, how would I really know, right? So Doc, am I just overanalyzing the situation? Am I being too paranoid? Am I worried over nothing, or am I letting myself get taken for a ride? Joey -- who feels uneasy about those dinner dates

doc love's answer Hi Joey, Very cute, Samantha's little card with the money stuck in it. And I'll bet that was a pretty baby on the cover, too. All in all, a very nice scene except for one thing -- she talks to you about another guy? Hold it right there! That's a big, huge rock in the middle of the road, man. You might think it's just a ping-pong ball, but from where I'm sitting, it's a boulder. Her Interest Level is plummeting...

she's about to dump you I've got news for you, Joey. This dude Samantha's been talking about has been "working" her. Here's the scenario. He's new and fresh, he looks sharp, he has a spiffy suit on, he out-dresses everybody at the seminar, he's coming off as funny as Chris Rock, and, worst of all, you're not doing something right at home. Know how I know? Samantha wouldn't be talking about him otherwise. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "When you make the cat purr all the time, she never wants to be petted by anyone else." Now let's take apart what Samantha's been feeding you about the seminar, piece by piece. Like I always tell you guys, this is the time to be like Detective Green on Law & Order, and you're going to be a love cop on "Love and Order." So run the evidence through your brain: "Now here's a seminar room containing 38 people, right? And guess what? Every single one of them is arrogant, except for this one guy. That leaves 37 arrogant people."

she likes another guy

Does it hold water? Or is your BS detector turning somersaults? How many times have you attended a class or social function and found that literally every one of the people in attendance have an attitude of some sort? None, right? (Of course we do have to discount fashion week in New York when the place is overrun by the likes of Naomi Campbell and Heidi Klum!) It doesn't make sense, does it? See what they do here, guys? When they shovel it, you eat, like dopes. To you Psych majors, you buy into their Womanese, which means they say one thing but mean something else, and that something else is far, far different from the actual truth. Check out the very last chapter of "The System." It's all explained right there.

you should've confronted her Joey, you didn't stand up for yourself and attack Samantha on her logic (or, more accurately, her lack of it), which is what you should have done from the get-go. And the guys who know when and how to do that are the guys who have memorized "The System." So, the seminar dude talks about his girlfriend? Isn't that sweet and considerate of him... Wow, this guy's really good. He probably hasn't had a date in six months, but he's really slick and he knows how to sucker your Samantha in. As the singer Sade would say, "He's a smooth operator." You never even considered the possibility that he's slinging the bull, too, did you? That's why I know you haven't done your homework, Joey. She lied to you and now she's dating someone else...

she lied to you But here's the thing that should really be bothering you, guy. Samantha lied to you, when she said that 37 out of 38 people in a room were arrogant, and her dinner date is the only one who isn't. (And he also happens to be the best-looking guy there, just by accident!) When you love somebody, you can't lie to them. When you lie to them, it sucks all the love away. That's what the Reality Factor says. You're not overanalyzing the situation, Joey. You're just misinterpreting everything about it. And hell yes, you should be paranoid over the fact that Samanatha spends all her free time hanging out with another man when she's on a business trip and can't stop talking about him when she gets back!

interview her about her dates What you should have done was conducted a hard interview of Samantha when she started going on about her seminar stud. But you should have prefaced it with, "By the way, I'm real happy you're having a good time on your trips," to disarm her and get the answers you

needed. Then you should have asked, "By the way, how many dates have you had with this fellow?" And her answer would have gone something like this: "Well, actually, we've been having dinner both nights since the second seminar, and this last one was the eighth seminar. So that makes a total of 14 dinners now that I've had with this guy. Everyone else there is arrogant, but not him! (And oh, by the way -- he just happens to look like Mel Gibson!)" And, my friend, at that point you would have realized you had a massive problem. And the problem may be that her Interest Level in you has skidded from 95% to 60%. This other guy is new and cool, using your girl's own words, so he's more attractive than you. So you have to ask yourself: "Am I being a Challenge? Do I allow her to touch me first? Do I wait for her to be affectionate? Does she still compliment me like in the good old days?" And this is what you have to hope for: that this other guy really does have a girlfriend, and he's just being nice to Samantha because they happen to get along and have business in common. Because you have to be able to trust your woman when she goes out of town. Otherwise, you're in trouble. Remember guys; Doc Love doesn't like it when she talks about other men.

Is It Normal To Want Your Ex Back? Hey Doc, I'm writing you for some sage advice on a serious situation in my life. I have asked many of my close friends for help with this, and they all give me conflicting answers, so I thought maybe some outside advice on this issue might help. I've been divorced two and half years now from Emily (we were married for seven years, no kids), and am living with a new woman, Jill, who is just great. She's totally into me and completely different in temperament and personality from Emily. I, on the other hand, am still deeply in love with my ex. She was the one who wanted the divorce, and hasn't spoken with me until this past Christmas. At that time, we finally got to talk about all our past issues. There was a moment in our conversation when she began to act like the woman I fell in love with years ago, and when she confronted me with the statement that "I hated her," I broke down and confessed that I still loved her and always would.

she's unsure Well, Doc, she was completely taken off guard and blurted out that she still had deep feelings for me, but was unsure of exactly how she felt and what, if anything, to do about it. She is

currently seeing someone else too, and her concern seems to be focused on the fact that I'm living with another woman presently. She says that she doesn't believe me when I say I still love her. I think this is because she systematically tried very hard to push me away when we were getting divorced. Doc, I still love Emily and want her back desperately. I don't want to hurt Jill, but my heart cries out for my ex. What the heck is a guy supposed to do in this situation? Is it possible to ever go back and start all over again? Shawn -- who has watched two worlds collide

doc love's answer Hi Shawn, Your first problem is asking all of your "close friends" for advice. When it comes to love, I'm your close friend. I'm your only close friend. And your old friends are your enemies. Why? Because they don't know "The System." So to start off, you've got everything back-asswards. These so-called friends of yours -- while I'm sure they have wonderful intentions -- give you confusing, conflicting answers because they're all stupid when it comes to love. And that's your problem, pal. I'm not the one who should be the source of "outside advice" when it comes to women -- your friends should be on the outside. Because they're outside of reality. Rely on me for the truth...

why are you wasting her time? So, these two flames of yours are as different as night and day. Meaning what? The only difference that's obvious is that the babe you're living in sin with, Jill, has 95% Interest Level in you, and the other one doesn't. But that's a big difference. By the way, if you're so deeply in love with your ex, what the heck are you doing misleading poor Jill? Why are you moving in with another person when you don't care about her? Are you using her like a nurse in a convalescent home until you get well, and then handing her walking papers and breaking her heart? My rules say that we don't use women. If we're done learning from them or we don't dig them, we don't waste their time. Next! Let's move on to your main problem -- Emily, your lovely ex-wife. She was the one who wanted the divorce? Shawn, women are the ones who always want the divorce! What planet have you been living on? Come on, guy, that's about as basic as it gets!

you are delusional

She finally spoke to you last Christmas after two and a half years? What was she after, a present or something? When you two finally hashed out all your past issues, did she tell you about how you fatally lowered her Interest Level because you were all over her all the time, and pressured her and treated her like your mommy? No, she didn't. She acted, at least for a few minutes, like the girl you fell in love with. Man, you have got to quit smoking the marijuana, please. Now think about this. You're telling me you have 100% Interest Level in Emily -- and I believe you, Shawn, I believe you -- and she's telling you that you hated her? Huh? Like my cousin Jethro Love would say, "That there's the most convoluted declaration of love I ever heard!" By the way, when you broke down and confessed to the divine Emily that you would always love her, did you grovel and beg, too? Did you get down and kiss her feet? Are you sure your name's really Shawn? Because you're acting more like a nice, tame little pussycat. It's fascinating that Emily used the word "unsure" when she was talking about her feelings for you. I've got news for you, my friend. She was lying like a Persian rug. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "No woman since Eve has ever been unsure." The reality is that Emily hates you, Shawn, and not vice versa. What's wrong with you? She's with someone else...

she's a liar Your ex is seeing someone else, too? That means she's seeing two people -- you and this other stud muffin. She entertained you for a half-hour at Christmastime and you went off into la-la land, dreaming about the good old days. All the while she's in the arms of a new man, making out, grabbing him, and doing everything else a woman does when she has high Interest Level in a guy. And like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love likes to say, "They would have done a lot more, but they didn't have the time!" And guess what? She's not fantasizing about you, like most of you pitiful guys fantasize about your exes. But she says her main "concern" is that you're living with another woman. Well, Shawn, she has to give you something. Women never tell the truth -- which in this case is, "Guess what -- I have low Interest Level in you!" Ever hear of Womanese? Check out "The System." The entire dictionary of Womanese -- the science of what they say versus what they mean -- is included in the last chapter.

stop living in the past Here's another thing, my friend. Emily does believe you when you say you still love her. She's lying to you when she says she doesn't. The problem is that she wants no part of you and your declarations of undying devotion (except for the momentary ego rush it gives her). The harder you push, the harder she rejects. And, oh -- you mean a woman pushes you away when you

get divorced? Gee, I didn't know that! But after all this brutal spurning you've endured, you still swear that you're totally, desperately gone over your ex. Know what guy? "Desperately" is the worst word in the world. Nothing is worse in a woman's eyes than a desperate man. Why not try acting like a creature with a backbone for a change instead of being one more pathetic Wimpus Americanus? So at the end of the day you've got one problem in your obsession with Emily, plus you've got your roommate -- you've got to get rid of her, and that's another problem. But you know what, buddy? I think you're living with a good one -- Jill -- right now. And you don't even see it. Maybe you should open your eyes to what's right in front of you in the present instead of living in the past. The past is over, in case you haven't noticed. Like the great love doctor Sigmund Freud once wrote, "Why would you want to torture yourself over what's finished and done? You got a problem or something?" Remember guys; never try and keep someone who doesn't want to keep you.

Does Her Sexual Past Bother You? Hey Doc, Help! I've messed up a great relationship and I don't know if I want to or should try to repair it. Here's the story. I started dating Sharon six months ago. She's 50, I'm 43. She has always shown a high level (90%) of interest in me and treated me well. In fact, she asked me out first. After five great months I discovered her romantic past was much more on the slutty side than I first assumed. When I asked about her past she'd always say, "I don't like to share my history," but at the same time she said she hadn't dated much.

she slept with 25 guys Well, Doc, I hate to admit this, but three weeks ago I developed a socially communicable disease, to put it as discreetly as I can. I asked Sharon to get tested for it, and the test came back positive. At that point I asked her to be less elusive about her romantic history and came to find out she's had 25 partners. (My own history is only three partners, since I was married for a long time, until 1998.)

she even cheated on guys

It came out that most of Sharon's liaisons were one-night stands while she was on various vacations. Her last serious relationship started in 1989 and ended in 1995. She cheated on that guy with a one-nighter in Tahiti two months into their relationship. She claims it wasn't cheating because they didn't have an exclusivity agreement. (To me, being intimate with someone means you are exclusive.) For the rest of the time, she says, she was faithful. She also cheated three months into her only marriage back in 1974. This revelation of her promiscuity has had a devastating effect on my interest in her. She claims everyone was playing around "since it was the '80s," and doesn't understand why this knowledge makes me feel like crap inside. I know this sounds like how a woman would think, but I just don't feel special anymore. We had a big talk about how this new information makes me feel, as well as my changed perception of her. (After peeking at her vacation diary, I realized Sharon was hitting on every French guy she had any interest in during a jaunt she took before meeting me.) But I don't know what to do.

is it normal to hate this? My question is, am I being too hard on Sharon's history? Any ideas on why this knowledge is making me feel like crapola? Is there some way of changing my perception of her back to where it was? I haven't dated since my divorce in '98, not that I wasn't looking, but I just didn't seem to elicit any interest from anyone. My looks are on the weak side (I resemble David Letterman or Tom Hanks on his bad days), but I keep myself fit and have heard more than once that I look like the guys on the Calvin Klein underwear box. The problem is that most women are interested in a cute face! Woodsie -- who hates being one of 25

doc love's answer Hi Woodsie, Of course you messed up this relationship. And the reason you did is because you haven't memorized "The System." Otherwise you wouldn't be in the predicament you're in. And I haven't even read your story yet! She asked you out and now you can't deal with her past?

So, Sharon asked you out first? I just got a nasty letter from a female saying how horrible it was that a guy waited to call her. But that girl is structured -- your girl has high Interest Level. Sharon saw what she wanted and went after it. Isn't it great, guys?

one guy is too many But let's move on to your problem. You don't really want to know about Sharon's past, Woodsie. Because if she tells you she's had any partners aside from you, she's going to be a tramp, right? On the other hand, I've got to wonder what section of the Australian outback you've been living in all your life. You're looking for a virgin who's a half-century old? You'd have better luck getting a California jury to convict a celebrity! But here's the most important point: I always tell you guys that it doesn't raise Interest Level to talk about her past.

you shoulda played it safe Now you've gone and contracted a socially communicable disease. Score one for the Christians! You messed around before marriage and you paid. Then you went back and tried to talk about Sharon's past again. Talk about beating a dead horse. I mean, what's the point? You already got the disease, pal. If Sharon had only one partner or went to bed with the entire Southern Cal football team -- what's the difference? So she's had 25 partners -- that's not so bad. You say you've only had three partners, Woodsie? If you break the Commandments, anything over zero is too many! The real problem is that you never figured out why your wife dumped you before you moved on to a new set of complications. Like my cousin General Love would say, "Soldier, you were unprepared for the battlefield of dating!"

she's a grown woman Who cares if Sharon's liaisons were one-night stands? She's 50 years young -- what did you expect? This is what you're going to get if you date in your own age range. To you Psych majors, college girls don't want to be adopted by old geezers like us. How do you know when your girl's relationships began and ended? Would you bet your life on what Sharon's been feeding you? All you have to know is that you got an infection from her, and I don't care if she got it one night from one guy or from the U.S. Navy. Thank God she doesn't leave out any of the gory details of her past! You never asked Sharon if you two had an exclusive relationship when you jumped between the sheets with her. You can't assume anything when it comes to women, buddy, and that's the first thing you have to realize.

And by the way, when you're going to bed with someone, what does it mean? This lovely lady of yours could be sleeping with two guys at the same time. So you have to try and find out this stuff sooner. Remember what I've told you again and again; you guys have to be love cops on "Love And Order." The disease should bother you; how many guys she slept with is irrelevant...

the disease should bother you Sharon's promiscuity should have a devastating effect on your Interest Level in her, Woodsie, but not because she's been out partying with the backfield. You should only be worried about the fact that you got a disease from her. And by the way, why isn't she visiting the doctor regularly since she's into dating entire battalions? When she told you about her adventures in the '80s, you should have looked at her with sad eyes and said, "But honey, you're the love of my life and you're only 50. I thought you were new!" Just because your girl gave you a social disease and you found out that she likes entertaining the rugby team, you don't feel special anymore? It really bugs you? Why is that? I don't understand it, myself. If you wrote to Dear Abby or Ann Landers, know what they'd tell you? "Typical selfish, insensitive man. You're not giving enough of yourself to your poor woman! You've got to be more open and show your feelings!" To you Psych majors, beg her to take more jewelry.

she plays the field Why are you shocked that Sharon is interested in every Frenchman who's ever lived? She asked you out first, remember? So when she's in France, she's going to be chasing after half the male population. I guess you're not so special after all. But in the end, no matter what, you can't change the past. Get off it. Look forward. You're not being too hard on Sharon's past, dude. You're just stupid. You should have inquired about a blood test and a marriage certificate before you went and got yourself all diseased. So forget about her -- you have a bigger problem to worry about now.

it's time to dump her You won't be able to erase your new perception of Sharon as a trollop. Once it's in your memory bank, it's there forever, and what she told you about herself was way too big -- it's like an elephant standing in the kitchen. In her defense, you kept nagging her. And like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Only women are supposed to nag, didn't you know that? It's their divine right!"

So, Woodsie, go and memorize "The System," and once you're clean and cured, we'll go out and get you someone who's alive and breathing. And hopefully the next one hasn't been out with a couple of regiments of marines!

tom hanks isn't ugly One last thing. Tom Hanks is nice-looking, so you're a C or C+ in the looks department. But I hope you also have a personality, because David Letterman doesn't. And good thing you look like a Calvin Klein model. I'm impressed. You did one thing right out of 17! Next time, don't sin with a community project.

Would Jude Law Care If She Had A Boyfriend? Remember guys; there's an old Cheyenne proverb that says, "Leave the past in the past." Hey Doc, I've been reading your articles for quite a while. First of all, I would like to thank you for what you do to help us guys on the battlefield of dating, and also let you know that I really enjoy reading "The System," as well as your articles. You are the most refreshing thing on the Web for men. Now here's my question. I met Carmen last week at a department store, and had a very engaging conversation with her for about an hour and a half. We laughed and flirted, and I could tell that she was very interested and attracted to me. We exchanged telephone numbers and agreed that we would both like to see each other again. So in other words, everything was perfect... that is, if she didn't have a boyfriend. When I asked her if she was seeing someone, she just said yes, without going into a whole long explanation about it. But apparently they aren't very serious, otherwise she wouldn't have responded to me the way she did, right? Usually I wouldn't pursue anyone who was in a serious relationship, but we most definitely had a strong connection, and I would at least like to follow up with Carmen. How can I ask Carmen out, or find out if she is willing to leave her current relationship, without appearing arrogant? Of course I'd still like to come across as confident at the same time, so what would you suggest I do to attract her even more? Do you think I'm leaving myself wide open for rejection, or to be used by Carmen? And how do I avoid that?

I know this might seem very basic to you, but I could really use the help. Emanuel -- who's eager to find out if he really has a chance

doc love's answer Hi Emanuel, I appreciate your compliment, and the word you used was right on the money -- my column is refreshing. That's because nobody out there among all those hundreds of so-called love doctors sounds even remotely like me. And you know why? Because I'm the only one truly looking out for you guys. So you met Carmen at a mall. Great, pal -- you picked up a complete stranger. You beat the odds. And you didn't just ask for her home phone number and get out of there, you actually built some value into your 90 minutes together. You stretched a passing encounter into a cup of coffee and a conversation that went beyond, "Wow, you have a great set of legs! Wanna get together sometime and check out my etchings?" You did good, but you're still confused...

keep it light So for you Neanderthals out there cruising the malls, don't just go up to her and beg for her home phone number. Suggest a glass of iced tea -- that's what you want to do. Get your time in and then pitch her for the number. You've got to build some value when you're in an anonymous, public place; otherwise you're a step away from being a stalker. And Emanuel, you did it for a whole hour and a half. Great job -- as long as you didn't get carried away with yourself and tell her you were the new crown prince of Monte Carlo! But why are you giving this hottie your phone number? When a woman hands you her card or writes her number down for you, you have to go straight into a hard interview, just like a good, tough love cop. "So, honey -- are you going to call me? When are you going to call me? What night? Let's set up a time right now when you're going to dial my digits." Because do you know what you're likely to hear in answer to those questions? "Uh... uh... uh... uh..." Guys, women never call! Why go through all that worthless rigmarole? Don't give her your number. To you Psych majors, once you get her home phone number, beat it the heck out of there. You've closed the deal.

she has to be available So, everything was perfect with your little Carmen Electra look-alike, except for one little glitch... that darned boyfriend. Gosh, they're a pain, aren't they? Here you two are getting along better than Jude Law and his nanny and it turns out Carmen's the granddaughter of the dictator of North Korea! It's gonna be tough getting her out of North Korea. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "But other than that, this girl's all over you, right?"

My friend, the girl has to be available. I hate to have to inject such a heavy dose of truth into your life in one sentence, but she has to be available. And this girl is not available. Still, you made a good contact. So what we're going to do is try and figure out a way -- if this boyfriend of hers takes a dive in the next couple of months -- to be there to pick up all the pieces. When she said she was seeing a guy, you should have asked in your best Danny DeVito voice, "How many guys?" You make a valid point about the strong connection the two of you had, but it's really just a half-truth. You still have to figure out what her Interest Level in this turkey of hers is.

would you really want her? Another possibility is that she's just being disloyal, and for you that's not a good thing. Because what makes you think she wouldn't be disloyal to you somewhere down the line? Or, maybe she has 95% Interest Level in her turkey and she also has low self-esteem, so she'll take attention from anybody, anywhere, anytime. We got all these possibilities floating around, my friend, and that's why I train you guys to think in terms of all the variables when you're trying to get a read on a babe. You're in training with me to become love detectives, and with time, you guys will start thinking like the cops on "Love And Order." Here's your biggest mistake... Emanuel, you wouldn't pursue a girl who's in a serious relationship with someone else because she's not available. But your Interest Level is up in the stratosphere and your ego is all involved with Carmen because she talked to you for 90 minutes, and so you're going to act against your own common sense. If you asked Carmen if she was seeing anybody, and if she answered, "Well, yes, but we're breaking up at 8 o'clock tonight," then it would be okay to forge ahead because she was getting rid of her turkey and she's available. Get it now?

you'll look stupid You won't appear arrogant by trying to move in on Carmen, you'll just appear stupid. And like most men, you're going to come on way too heavy too fast, and she's already got somebody else! Your game plan is to get this girl away from this guy. Remember; the odds are lousy and you should still be chasing other girls. Until Carmen's guy is history, you're not going to think about her. You're just going to play a little head game with her and see if you can get her to

give your competition his walking papers. The goal is not to be able to date Carmen -- that's where you're wrong, dude. If you start pressuring her for a date, she'll say, "I have a boyfriend -- I told you that, didn't I?" and you're dead in the water before you even get started. So what you're going to do is this: you're going to call her every two weeks. Hopefully she'll call you back in between, and you'll set up a coffee date. You're going to meet her at Starbucks and drink coffee for 30 minutes, maximum. Then you're going to walk her to her car and try to give her a kiss. And then you'll see what happens from there and how much she wants to talk about her turkey.

rejection isn't even the issue Manny, why are you talking about rejection? You spent 90 minutes with a girl who has a boyfriend! You have to get to nine dates with her without rejection before you even entertain the idea of where you stand. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "You got the cart before the horse, boy!" Remember guys; when you meet her at Starbucks, make sure you're overdressed and wearing your best cologne.

Do Women Use Any Excuse To Dump You? Hey Doc, I purchased "The System" recently, and it's been very informative in showing me where I've made mistakes with women in the past. As a result, I've had tremendous success with your advice in talking to and getting positive responses out of women. But there is still one problem that seems to come up and I'm powerless to solve it.

girlfriend's dad liked me The last girl I really liked, Tanya, ended up dumping me out of the clear blue. The last day I was with her, she mentioned that her father "approved" of me, and that he never approved of anyone before. Before this happened she acted differently toward me (i.e., with high Interest Level), but once I got the parental seal of acceptance, it was over the very next day. Could it be that her Interest Level was lowered because her parents approved of me? This is not the reason that Tanya gave me for ending it, but I have noticed it in a few relationships in the past. I've talked to other women about this, and they admit to wanting a good guy that appears to be a "bad boy" to the parents. It seems like they want to go against their parents' wishes. I guess

my question to you is, is this just Womanese for their low Interest Level in me, or could it be that women don't want their folks to like their boyfriends?

should i make parents hate me? Now it seems that I get along with women's parents very well, and they all like me. (At least to my face they do.) But as soon as the relationship has gone on long enough for me to have met their parents a few times, everything falls apart. Can you give me any advice on how to handle this situation, and how not to have the parents like me so much? Or is this not really a problem after all, and am I just looking for an excuse for why I always seem to screw up with females I like? "The System" has opened up my eyes, and allowed me to see more of what women want. I can see more clearly that the guys who act in the way that you advise have women around them all the time. I look forward to learning more and coming closer to mastery of "The System." In the meantime, I need help solving my "parent problem." I really hope you can help me out. Thanks, Doc. You're the best. Gino -- who never thought he'd run into something like this

doc love's answer Hi Gino, Allow me to straighten you out about something right up front. Being rejected by Tanya was out of the clear blue for you. For Tanya, it was pre-planned. So, Tanya's parents never approved of anyone but you before. Now think about this, my friend. Here's a girl giving you the old heave-ho, and in the process serving up a tall tale to throw you off the scent of the real reason -- her lack of interest in you -- and you're ready to buy it. She was gonna dump you no matter what her parents thought, it seems...

she was gonna dump you anyway Just because two things happen at the same time (i.e., Tanya decides to dump you and her parents announce that they think you're okay), you jump automatically to the conclusion that it's a case of cause and effect, and you don't consider the possibility that it's all pure coincidence and that one thing has nothing to do with the other. I'm trying to train you guys to be forensic love scientists, to look very closely at the evidence,

and that's what you have to do in order to know what's really going on between you and your woman. You have to consider all the possibilities in every case and not run off half-cocked toward a conclusion that doesn't hold water. Like my cousin Doctor Love would say, "You can't just rush to judgment led by your exploding Interest Level or your supersensitive ego." Now sure, it's possible that Tanya cut you loose because her folks approved of you -- that is, if she hates her parents' guts and she's going to end up being the psycho wife from hell who will make Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Lopez look clinically sane. In which case you don't want her anyway.

why did she dump you? Tanya didn't give you a reason for ending your romance? You're kidding me, Gino! You mean women aren't always forthcoming with the straight truth about why they're calling it quits? You mean that actually happens? Wow, man, I'm shocked! But if other women in the past have told you that they prefer bad boys and don't want their parents to approve of their choices, you're running around with a bunch of nutcases. Dude, are you picking up girls when The Jerry Springer Show lets out? Or are you handing out tickets to the wackos going in? To you Psych majors, good girls who are raised properly by good parents want to make sure their parents love the new boyfriend. Honest.

low interest level Pal, of course all these excuses are just Womanese for your ex-girlfriends' low Interest Level in you! Because you're history, aren't you? Think about what you're saying here. Girls don't want their parents to like their boyfriends? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "You're attacking the family unit, my son, and you shouldn't do that." I'm sure parents like you, Gino. And their daughters like you, too -- for a little while. But take my word for it, it's strictly coincidence that when you meet the folks everything falls apart. The only thing really falling apart was the girls' Interest Level, as it did a nosedive from 95% to 45%. So these poor parents aren't your problem. The problem is you -- you lower Interest Level. Her mother and father didn't lower Interest Level, you did.

read the system again "The System" hasn't opened your eyes all the way yet, Gino. Unfortunately, it's opened only half of one eye. Which means you haven't spent enough time with it. You need to read it again and again until the deeper truths of my principals sink into your mind. Why don't you act like the guys who have women around them all the time? I'll tell you why.

Because instead of imitating Cary Grant, you end up making these poor girls your mama or your psychiatrist, like all the other guys who screw up. But don't feel bad, man. You're not alone. You've got tons of company out there. So to sum it all up, you don't have a "parents problem." You've got a problem keeping a girl's Interest Level in the 90s. But memorize my techniques, and you'll enter the Promised Land with a smiling face. Remember guys; when something goes wrong, it's usually your fault.

Should You Tell Her All About Your Past? Hey Doc, I am a 36-year-old, well-educated, happy, and successful dude. I am also well-groomed and well-preserved, and am perceived as a guy who has his game together. I love your "System," and the fact that you are always making sure us guys are being careful while enjoying the journey. I just got out of a two-year relationship -- and of course she left me! After reading your thoughts on emotional baggage and being on the rebound, I should have seen the "red flags" much earlier! Anyway, I am back on the love hunt and need some help. I just went on a second date with a 31-year-old "Caprice" (I prefer to keep her anonymous) after a very successful first date (on which I waited five days to call, made a quick call to set up a Starbucks meeting, maintained the "no touching" rule -- though she touched me several times -- kept it to 45 minutes, etc.). She even e-mailed me that night to thank me for a great time.

she interrogated me On the second date, I picked Caprice up and took her to dinner, and everything was going great -- until I opened my yap! She asked me a personal question about a past relationship. Nothing too heavy, just, "So, what was your longest relationship?" So I thought I'd have some fun with it and told her she needed to show me a sign of good faith. I proceeded in a very light and funny way and said that if she kissed me on the cheek, I might tell her. Man, did I think that was smooth! But right away her whole attitude changed, to very closed-off. She even folded her arms at dinner! She told me I should be more open since she was being open with me, and blah, blah, blah. Well, I was able to steer the date somewhat back on track after a bit (but still did not answer her question). I dropped her off at her place and tried to give her the "what the hell" kiss. She then leaned over and kissed both my cheeks and whispered, "Okay, there are your kisses, and next date you owe me my answers!"

I smiled, grabbed her by the back of the head, and laid a deep, long one on her. She smiled, with her eyes still closed, and then I walked off. What do you think of my genius move after she kissed my cheeks? Do you think she is worth the all-important third date, or was her immediate closed-off response to my cute cheek-kiss question not that of a Flexible Giver? Anyway, lay it on me, Doc! Sheppard -- who wants to know if he has a tiger by the tail

doc love's answer Hi Sheppard, Hey, why are you "well-preserved" at only 36? I thought well-preserved went with being 86 and having one foot in the grave. Are you sure you're really 36 years young? You have to enjoy the dating game...

the dating game should be fun You mentioned that I want you guys to "enjoy the journey." Man, I couldn't have said it better myself. That's the most beautiful sentence in your letter. Guys, you have to enjoy yourselves when you're out there dating, and you have to study "The System," not only because you want to get the girl, but because it is the truth. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "My son, the truth will lead you to do some great, great things, if you'll just let them happen." Regarding your ex, Sheppard, I'll bet you did see those big red flags early on, but, like most men, you decided to look away, and you rationalized them on account of your high Interest Level. But slowly those ugly red flags chipped away at your level of respect and the end was inevitable -- like it always is. My friend, you did everything right on your first date with Caprice. I'm proud of you. When she e-mailed you to thank you for a great time, that was an indication of high Interest Level. Her gesture was above and beyond the call of duty. So your Caprice was okay after date No. 1 -- she showed some traits of being a keeper. But you have a long, long way to go. Like my cousin General Love says, "It will be easier to get Hannibal's elephants over the Alps than it will be to get this woman to nine dates!"

never say too much I'm glad you realize that loose lips sink ships. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love likes to put it, "The problem with every guy is that he opens his yap!" To you Psych majors, once a girl likes you, you should never talk again. It doesn't raise Interest Level, which is all you should be concerned with.

Caprice probes you about a past relationship and it's "nothing too heavy?" Dude, this is very, very heavy. This gal didn't bring a BB gun to dinner, she brought a howitzer! Do you need glasses, Sheppard? Remember; when they start with the heavy questions, you've got to channel Jim Carrey or Robin Williams on the spot. Making Caprice kiss you on the cheek as payment for your background information was a very gutsy move. I happen to think it's too strong for the second time out, but I'll give you a top grade for closing. At least you had the guts to go for it. Know why Caprice's attitude went south? Because she didn't want to play. Her interview was more important to her than falling in love with you. She had her agenda, and she was going to follow it come hell or high water. Like Johnny down at the Shell station, she hauled out her list of "to-dos" -- check the tires, oil, air filter, transmission fluid, etc. What she did, really, was give you an indirect ultimatum. And when you didn't capitulate to it, everything changed -- her body language, her attitude, everything -- just because she didn't want to play. Caprice doesn't want to be loved. Her agenda -- dragging up all of your past romantic disasters right then and there -- was the most important thing to her, and if it takes any longer than right now, then she's out of there. Wow, does she sound like a blast! But good for you, Sheppard, that you didn't go along with it. 99% of all guys would have caved on the spot and sold out their manhood. I have to hand it to you, guy. Going for the "what the hell kiss" shows that you're a winner. You get an "A" in LIPS. You might be doing some stuff wrong here and there, but when it comes to LIPS, you're aces. Here's what you should have done to really shut her up -- and keep her Interest Level up...

you had guts When Caprice mentioned your next date, you should have growled, "Hey, sweetheart, aren't you being just a little too confident here?", just like Robert Mitchum would have, then flashed your best boyish smile. When you laid the deep long one on her, you showed again what you're made of. Most guys don't have cojones, they're shrinking violets in the presence of these 110-pound sticks of dynamite called females, but you've got the opposite problem. I want to tone you down a little bit. But I dig that you walked off into the night just like Humphrey Bogart. Your genius move worked, Sheppard. But what we don't know is whether Caprice is Flexible, and, therefore, a keeper. She wanted hard answers to her interview, so you're up there in terms of her Interest Level. But I didn't like her pouting -- it shows that she's inflexible. Every time you two disagree on something in the future, she's going to pout. And don't forget, this was only date No. 2. When she starts laying on the guilt and pressure over the big stuff -- money, kids, in-laws -- you're going to feel it like a rat being suffocated by a boa constrictor. Man, do you really want that for the next 45 years? That's what "The System" is about: preventing half a century of mystery when you're stuck with the same woman. Guys, can you imagine?

keep it light So what you're going to do, Sheppard, is not answer Caprice's questions. You're going to come up with "funnies." When she says to you, "So, what was your longest relationship?", you're going to say, "I'm still in it. I've been going with this girl for four years." And when her beautiful violet eyes widen and she demands, "Well, what are you doing with me, then?", you'll say, "I'm looking for a replacement. I need some backup. That's why I'm interviewing you." Fellas, like the great Zen masters, you have to learn to be detached. Being joined at the hip forever doesn't work. Remember guys; you gotta go for the kiss.

Reuniting With The One That Got Away Hi Doc, I've got a tough one to call and I need your help. I'm recently separated from a wife who cheated on me. It was a very painful situation and one I wish to keep from happening again in my next relationship at all costs. After reading your columns for some time I went ahead and bought "The System" to help me read women better. I hope it works.

a past lover comes along On to my situation: My 10-year high school reunion is coming up and I recently connected with my childhood sweetheart, LeeAnn, who I've known since kindergarten. We dated all the way through college and had planned to get married. She was ready to marry before I was, but a silly fight at a party where I embarrassed her led to our breakup. Six weeks later, she was engaged to the richest, most popular guy in town. I did nothing to stop her from marrying him. Well, LeeAnn and I recently reconnected after five years of not talking. We went out for drinks. She confessed that even though she was still married, her relationship had long since fallen apart and she no longer loved her husband. Basically, she said, it was over even though she hadn't yet filed for divorce because she was frightened for their kid. She also said she had regrets before marrying and that I was always "the one."

i don't want to be the other man We both had the best time we've had in a while that night, but appropriately said goodbye at the end of the night, never crossing the physical line. On the way home I called LeeAnn's cell

phone and said that as long as she was married, I couldn't see her again. I also told her that I didn't want to be that "other guy" and to call me if she ever split with her husband. She agreed and said goodnight. Doc, my main question is this: why does the past girlfriend hold such fascination for us guys? Is there ever an exception in "The System": "no going backwards," "no married women"? Because this is the love of my life we're talking about here, the most Giving, Flexible person I've ever known.

going back to an ex If the situation develops where I can have her back, is she worth the risk? Does the fact that she willingly reconnected with me make her a potential cheater? I'm not at all a desperate guy. I'm good-looking and have a lot to offer just about any girl. Please help. Smitty -- who doesn't want to regret blowing a second chance

doc love's answer Hi Smitty, "The System" will work only if it's memorized. This goes for you and all the other guys out there. You need to memorize the principles... Once a week, find yourselves a quiet corner in the library and read it over and over and over again until it's burned into your brain cells. When it's automatic, you'll be well on your way to mastery and you'll minimize your chances of getting burned by any woman ever again. Smitty, how high of an Interest Level could LeeAnn really have had in you if you were going together for decades and then she decided to dump you because you made her blush at a party? If you weren't sticking someone up with a gun at that party, how much of an embarrassment could you have been? What did you do, swing naked from the chandeliers and make Tarzan noises?

she dumped you for a reason To break up a long-term relationship like that, LeeAnn must have been really immature or you did something so stupid it could never, ever be forgiven. Or -- more likely -- her Interest Level was below the 50-yard line and she was just using her so-called embarrassment as an excuse to get rid of you.

Look at it this way -- gorgeous women fall all over themselves trying to get next to Dennis Rodman, right? Who's more embarrassing than him, unless it's O.J., and the last time I checked, he wasn't short of dates either. So, LeeAnn's marriage fell apart and she no longer loves her husband... Smitty, you got any idea how many guys have heard that tall tale over the centuries? And, uh, I'm selling this bridge over in Brooklyn you might be interested in buying.

she's playing with your head Why is LeeAnn using the term "frightened" when it comes to her kid? Is her husband a nutcase? Does he own any guns? If he does, you shouldn't even be out with his wife for drinks, pal! Or do you mean that she's frightened of getting into any kind of trouble with hubby because he's the one who controls the purse strings? You'd better figure out exactly what it is you're dealing with here, my friend. Like I've told you guys time and again, you have to learn to be love detectives on "Love And Order." To you Psych majors, men do the strangest things when they feel like they're losing their woman. For LeeAnn to up and marry somebody else literally days after her breakup with you was wacky. Something like that screams rebound from the rooftops! Did you at least ask her if she was deeply in love when she married this guy? She doesn't regret marrying the rich guy, don't kid yourself...

what does she regret? You probably didn't, because you don't want to know. But according to your pretty little flake, you were always the one. There's your evidence of the rebound effect. LeeAnn's telling you that she regretted what she did. Boy, I wonder how her husband feels about that? She married him just to rub it in your face. And now she's back fooling around with you? What kind of wing-nut is she? I'll tell you what she is for sure -- trouble. And what's even worse is that she's telling you that you were always the one; when her actions actually say that you were always No. 2! It's always nice and wonderful when you reconnect with an old flame, but if you were to spend a couple of months with her, you'd start noticing things, the things that broke you apart in the first place. But Smitty, you did do one thing right by telling LeeAnn that you couldn't see her again as long as she stays married. This shows you're not a completely lost cause.

your ego wants the ex back

Guys, your ex-girlfriend fascinates you because your ego blows the old romance all out of proportion and you just look at the good parts, never the bad stuff, the stuff that caused it to flop in the first place -- that you weren't even aware of. Because if she were all that great, you two wouldn't have split up and she wouldn't have gone off and married the rich guy five minutes later. There are no exceptions to my principles in "The System" when it comes to your ex. Ever. You have to remember that you're talking about the love of your life -- only. Because you're talking only about your high Interest Level. LeeAnn didn't have high Interest Level in you, because she broke up with you over a silly fight. And when she told you that you were always the one, you actually believed her? Like I said, pal, you have to memorize the book!

she's not giving and flexible Sure, LeeAnn was Giving and Flexible when you were sipping your margaritas in the bar. But her head's not screwed on right because, if it were, she wouldn't have married Bill Gates on the rebound. Don't let yourself forget that. What do you mean, "If you can have her back?" She's a married woman, dude. She's not going to just walk away from all that dough. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It's easier for her to stay miserable and married than it is for her to divorce Fort Knox." Hey, Smitty, I got news for you -- that's why she picked this guy on purpose on the rebound in the first place. She's a Giving person, alright. About as Giving and Flexible as a shark. Do Giving people marry stinking rich guys they don't care for all that much?

never return to an ex Of course LeeAnn's a potential cheater. Just look at what she's doing here. She's a married woman and mother sneaking around with a guy in a dark bar. What does that tell you about her Integrity? What she should have told you was that she doesn't see other men while she's married. But she can't because she's too busy checking out the field. Because she figures that if she has to make the jump to someone else, first she has to calculate how much jack the new turkey has for her and her kid. A pretty picture, right? So there's a lot going on here that you neglected to see, Smitty. Remember what Rabbi Love says: "Son, you'd better open your eyes unless you want to go through hell again." So no, you can't go back. Ever. Remember guys; women don't marry rich guys by mistake.

Can Poor Guys Get Hot Women?

Hey Doc, I've been reading your columns lately and plan to purchase "The System." I like your nononsense approach to women and dating and the fact that you never BS us guys with false hope about how to handle the opposite sex. Please keep telling it like it is. So I'm going to put it to you straight. I've noticed that the only guys who score the really hot babes in this world are the Donald Trumps, the Hugh Hefners and the Michael Douglases. In other words, the guys so loaded with money they don't even know what to do with it all. It's actually very discouraging. It's like the guy with no money has zilch chance of getting and keeping a "10." And what's worse is that if you happen to find and succeed in dating a Beautiful Woman, she's history the minute some rich, overly successful or famous dude looks twice at her. And I'm not exaggerating. It's happened to me more than once.

how can poor guys get women? So my question to you is this: What can a guy with no budget like myself offer a girl, really? Does a guy's financial portfolio play the biggest part in maintaining a relationship? Let's face it, Doc, when do you ever see a woman like Melania Trump with a construction worker or a librarian? I hate to think this way, Doc, but isn't it true that all Beautiful Women are Mercenaries? I don't like to paint a completely pessimistic picture of what it's like out there, but that's how I see it.

do all women want money? What are women really looking for in a guy? Most guys I know are attracted to the Angelina Jolies and the Bo Dereks, but wouldn't we be better off scaling down our expectations and going for the Plain Janes when we don't have big-time money? Or is there something we can do to romance a beauty that doesn't cost and arm and a leg, and will keep her Interest Level high? I'm really curious to hear what you have to say about this, Doc. Channing -- who's sick of coming in second to the fat cats

doc love's answer Hi Channing, Let me tell you something. I'm the only love doctor out there who tells the truth when it

comes to women, and I'm the only love doctor out there who has all the right answers. My job is to help men, not BS them. My job is to keep you in touch with reality. Don't follow stereotypes... So you can always count on me to tell it like it is, and not like you want it to be, which is the mindset that sinks so many guys in their dating relationships. And thank you very much for the compliment -- I do appreciate it.

confused about women Let's move on to your problem. You cite the examples of Trump, Hefner and Douglas, three guys who have it made with any Beautiful Woman on the face of the earth. But of course, that's just the problem in your argument -- they happen to be just three guys, and that's all. If there are 100 good-looking women out there for the taking, those three guys get one each (except for Mister Rabbit Ears, who always gets more than his quota), and there's 97 left over for the rest of us. And as my cousin Rabbi Love likes to say, "There are lots of nice girls in the world who want to live in an upper middle-class home, but who are not buyable." They're simply not for sale.

you can get a 10 So Channing, the premises you're operating from are erroneous. What you've got in your head are half-truths built on half-truths. And, like you told me up above, I always give you guys the 100% unvarnished truth. Sure, lots of beauties are Mercenaries. But there are tons of ugly women out there who are Mercenaries too. And you're also wrong about the Average Joe having zilch chance of holding on to a hottie. If you happen to be the best carpenter in town, you can get yourself a "10" -- but you also have to be a Challenge and humorous. See, the real problem you had with the babes who defected on you is that you didn't own them. Don't blame the rich and famous dudes for stealing them away. Blame yourself for not going by "The System." You just happened to be dating Beautiful Women whose Interest Level was only 40% to 49%. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Paisan, the simple truth of the matter is that they weren't into you enough to stick around." So how do poor guys get hot women? Easy, two words...

challenge and humor So, what does a no-budget guy have to offer a girl? Challenge and Humor, like I said before. I can't say it enough. Want to know everything I know about women in two words (which is

impossible by the way)? The two words that come closest are Challenge and Humor. Most rich boys don't have Challenge, and that's why they beg her to take the keys to the Ferrari. Nice, self-reliant girls get bored with that no-Challenge tactic after a while. And most guys aren't funny. That's where guys who have studied my techniques come in. But on the other hand, your financial portfolio does play some part in your relationships, because she wants to know what you've been up to for the last 28 and a half years. Have you been going to school and learning something useful? Starting your own business? Trying to be creative? Or have you been sitting on your butt whining and watching TV and collecting unemployment compensation from when you got laid off from your job on the Home Depot loading platform? Do you realize that we live in an economic society and that it takes money -- the more the better -- to get by? The point is this: Why should she take a step down? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "If she's used to Cadillacs or BMWs, why should she ride in a 10-year-old Chevy?"

why should women settle for less? So, you never see any of the Trump wives hanging around with a mechanic? Heck, I went to a biker convention the other day and I saw a bunch of them! Man, you're definitely too fixated on the notion that all Beautiful Women are Mercenaries. And as I explained above, you're a little off base. (The actual number is only 49%!) You do paint a bleak picture of what it's like out there on the dating battlefield, but it's a fallacy on top of a fallacy. Bo Derek hasn't remarried since her husband died, has she? Nobody's sold her yet, and she's looking for love, right? As far as Angelina goes, she's finally fessing up that she's seeing the stud. Settling for the Plain Janes is erroneous reasoning on your part, one more half-truth. Guys, you go for whoever likes you. And the best way to negotiate that is by virtue of Challenge leavened with Humor.

keeping her interested You want a suggestion for how to romance a Beautiful Woman and keep her Interest Level in the eighties? Buy her a hot dog at the zoo. Or an ice cream cone at the park. Or some popcorn at the movies.

Remember guys; the more money you have, the handsomer you are.

How To Deal With Bored Married Women Hey Doc, First of all, let me say that I've been reading your columns for a couple of months now and find your perspective unique and very interesting. I don't know if it will work with every problem a guy has with women, but your writing is certainly lively and funny. It's nice to find a love doctor who actually has a sense of humor! And I'm sure that "The System" is no different. Anyway, I have a peculiar problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. I was recently widowed (six months ago) after decades of marriage. I knew my wife's death was coming, but it was still a shock. I think I might still be in a state of shock, frankly, and because of that I'm reluctant to even approach a woman.

unhappily married women What's complicating this situation is that I seem to keep running into unhappily married women who show an interest in me. These are women whom I've met through my work (I own a small manufacturing business.) I'll give you examples. First there's Dominique, a stunning Frenchwoman who is married to an American man. He's a successful financial analyst; a very nice man (I've met him a couple of times) and they have two young children. The problem, says Dominique, is that she's not in love with her husband anymore. He doesn't pay attention to her and is always working. They are well off and have all the trappings; it goes without saying. She claims that she is physically attracted to me, but so far when we've been alone, she has made no move to touch me.

unhappily separated women Another example is Ava, a gorgeous redhead in the process of getting separated from her wealthy stockbroker husband. They have five kids, and her complaints about her soon-to-beex are the same as Dominique's, with the addition that Ava's husband is also mentally and physically abusive. Ava and her kids are also well provided for, but she's not happy. She also says she's attracted to me, but when we went for a walk in the park the other day, she said that she "wasn't ready" to go any further at this point because her head's "not right." But what threw me for a loop is that she revealed to me right afterward that she's already dating a musician.

wifes leaving rich husbands Do you see a pattern here, Doc? Both women seem to have the same problems with husbands who don't give them positive attention but have provided for them financially. Do they have a problem? Should I push the issue with them as far as romance is concerned? Like I said, I admit that I'm not sure what I'm doing because of my fragile state of mind. Please help me figure out what to do, as I'm very attracted to both of these lovely women. Quentin -- who doesn't have his act together yet

doc love's answer Hi Quentin, First of all, let me remove any doubts you have about my method. It's simple: "The System" works with every problem with every woman, because it's the truth. I am funny, but it's time for you to face the facts... Now that you mention it, the other love doctors out there aren't very funny, are they? It's amazing how unfunny they can be, and still have any kind of following. And thanks for the compliment, Quentin. If you can still manage a laugh despite your tribulations, you're going to make it. That said, I'm very, very sorry to hear of your wife's passing, and it's going to take you a long time to get over it. But you must remember that life does go on. As Woody Allen said in one of his films, "Life is for the living."

doc love tries to help Now let's take a look at your situation. First you tell me you keep "running into" unhappily married women. But you only give me two examples, and these gals are coming to you for business reasons. You haven't talked about trying to meet females by working the Internet, or going to a dance club, or attending a cooking class or awareness seminar. The point is that you're really not going out and consciously "meeting" this type of woman. You're at a vulnerable point in your life right now, but when we think about the next 10 years -- assuming you go on trying to hustle women -- you're going to be meeting all kinds from all over the map, so don't think Dominique and Ava are it. They just appear to be it for the time being.

were these women in love?

Did you ask Dominique if when she married her poor sap of a husband she was in love with him? That's what you should have fired back at her at the beginning, and then you'd have found out what the deal really was. Sure the guy's always busting his hump -- how do you think he procures all the trappings to keep his queen happy? Don't you see that, Quentin? And don't for a minute jump to the conclusion that the mess she's in is definitely the fault of her husband. What she's handing you is just Womanese for "I'm bored, and I need to play with someone else's head for a while!" Here's another question you should have asked her: How does she think her kids are going to be provided for after she dumps hubby? I hate to have to break this to you, pal, but Dominique's selfish, and all she's thinking about is herself, not her kids. And they deserve to be thought about. After all, like my cousin Brother Love says, "The little ones didn't ask for your misery, did they?" These women are players, so it's time you started using them...

these women are players At first glance, your second honey, Ava, is a slightly better bet -- at least she's in the process of getting out. But let me get this straight. Ava makes love to a man who physically and mentally abuses her, has five kids with him and then figures out that he's bad news? As Fast Eddie Love would say, "A little late, baby, a little late!" But I must admit, Quentin, that at least you're meeting the rich ones. And guess what? To you guys who are always complaining about all the Beautiful Women marrying rich dudes, just because they're married to them, doesn't mean they're happy! When Ava told you her head wasn't right, you should have looked at her with the sweetest expression and said, "That's the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me." And then given her a big Christopher Walken or Dennis Quaid-like grin and walked off.

women on the rebound Do I see a pattern here? Oh, sure. The pattern is that when women are on the rebound, they like you! In fact, I'll bet you didn't know you're about to win the "2005 Mister Rebound Award." When these powdered, coiffed and manicured ladies drive over to your place in their spanking new Mercedes-Benzes and BMWs and need someone to moan to about how terrible their lives are, your shoulder is there for them to cry on. But like I said before, I only hope you don't believe that their husbands are the bad guys. Of course they're feeding you that these schmucks are nothing short of beasts, but if you talked to the guys, she'd be the B-I-T-C-H. To you Psych majors, there are always two sides to these stories. How do you know the husbands don't pay attention to their wives? Maybe they've tried

everything and your two knockouts are so cranky all the time that nothing works. If you're not in their homes, Quentin, you can't see what's really going on.

be patient with women So, buddy, rather than get yourself entangled in a quagmire with one of these two temptresses, what you're going to do is get Dominique and Ava to set you up with their best-looking girlfriends who are single. Tell them, "Next time you want to get together and talk about your husband problems, bring along one of your hottest friends. In fact, bring along two of them. I don't want you to think I'm a hog or anything, but what the heck, let's spread all this love around!" You're not going to go chasing after these two beauties, Quentin. They're nothing but trouble in high heels. They can nag and moan all they want, but they're off-limits, especially the second one with her five kids. Ava should be ashamed of herself. She shouldn't even be thinking about musicians until she's got the divorce papers in her hands. Otherwise she is committing adultery. So remember; you're going to work these two to get their girlfriends, but there's a lot more to "The System" than just that. And keep this in mind -- Ava and Dominique might be lovely on the outside, but they're not lovely on the inside. Remember guys: Sometimes you have to learn how to use them.

Is It Good To Marry A Celebrity? Hey Doc, I'm a highly intelligent, handsome (so women tell me) guy in his 40s. I'm a network engineer with an extremely high IQ and I command the income to match. I also work as a first-call consultant when insight is needed on a new invention or venture, in a very complex area of high technology. I also happen to be very insecure about my relationship with my wife, Kyra (not her real name), who is stunningly beautiful and cultured. We have a 2-year-old child, and she's the mother of two teenagers from her previous marriage. Here's my problem: Before me, Kyra was married to a celebrity. (I won't mention his name because you'll know who he is.) And in fact, Kyra herself is something of a celebrity, being a successful and well-known writer in the film industry. Anyway, I have to admit that I'm quite jealous when it comes to her, especially the attention she gets from men. I don't feel great about being jealous, but I guess it stems from some feeling of inferiority because of her status and that of her ex-husband. Kyra sometimes needles me about missing out on social and interpersonal communication

skills because from an early age, I buried myself in computers. And I have to admit that maybe it's true. Just yesterday I noticed some jerk giving her the eye at the mall and said to her, "That guy was looking at you. He's probably wondering what you see in someone like me." She also complains that my behavior is controlling and emotionally abusive and that I'm jealous of her celebrity status. I do try to keep up with her whereabouts and sometimes even worry that she might be getting involved with someone else. At the same time Kyra claims that she really loves me and doesn't want to violate our marriage vows. Doc, what the heck can I do about this? Can "The System" help with a problem like mine? Most average people can't really know what it's like to be the husband of someone who was married to a famous person -- it's hell. Every time his mug shows up on TV, I think to myself that I'll never measure up. It's like having your face constantly rubbed in his fame. Please help! This is turning into a major problem. Stephon -- who didn't bargain for this when he got married

doc love's answer Hi Stephon, Now let me get this straight. You're a rich, no-name computer geek and you got to marry a Blist or semi-celebrity who was once married to a 100% real celebrity? Pal, you didn't realize what you were taking on! You've just lost your identity...

you're finished Stephon, you're just like Mister Heidi Klum now. Think about it. Seal's not going to have his own name anymore. But if he can roll with it, and laugh about it (and himself), and if he can wear a T-shirt that reads "Mr. You Know Who," you know what it shows? It shows women -and the world -- that he's not jealous of or threatened by his wife's celebrity and success. It shows that being a big-time celebrity's other half has no effect on him whatsoever. He can sit back and enjoy it; in fact, he can wear a T-shirt that trumpets the fact! And he's probably not half as good-looking as you are, right? I'm sorry to hear that you're jealous of the admiration Kyra commands from men. But hold on a minute, here. She's a Beautiful Woman, especially all dolled up in her designer outfits, isn't she? Other men are going to look at her, right? Gee, I wonder how that happened? Uh, didn't you happen to pick up on that fact when you two were going steady? Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "A little slow on the uptake there, aren't you, dude?"

Your problem, Stephon, is that you don't know how to properly view your situation. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "Boy, get yourself away from that god-danged computer terminal for a few minutes and listen up!" Here's what you should have said to yourself: "Wow! I'm going to be in the celebrity world. What a ride this is going to be! Man, what a party! I can't wait to tell all my buddies back at the beer hall!" In other words, you should have looked at marrying Kyra as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for your personal growth and expansion. Maybe it would have helped you be more creative in your job, did you ever think of that? Or maybe you could have picked up a few high-powered connections. The point is that you could and should have looked at acquiring your extraordinary wife as something positive; a valuable, new experience. But not you, Stephon. You wanted to pout. You didn't want to play along.

why are you complaining? To you Psych majors, always marry someone smarter than yourselves. Now here's a woman - Kyra -- who's trying to drag you up in the world, and you're kicking and screaming. Here's a woman who actually knows Miss Manners and follows her, and she's going to improve you and make you grow and you're going to be a better and stronger man for it. When she "needles" you about your nerdy shortcomings, she isn't nagging you -- she's trying to help you. She's trying to pull you up. But again, you don't want to play. And that's too bad for you. Here's how you should handle other men checking out your wife...

how to handle oglers When that fellow was ogling your wife at the mall, you should have walked up to him and said, "Hey, man, what do you think of her? Pretty hot, right?" And of course he would have answered, "Hell, yes. I think she's beautiful." And then you could have told him, "Yeah, just think: she's going home with me tonight." Then you give him a wink and go back to your wife -- with a little bounce in your walk! Have fun with it, man. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "You got any idea how many guys would kill to be in your position?" But nooo, not you -- you'd rather pout. Kyra's right when she accuses you of being controlling, abusive and jealous of her celebrity. And let me warn you about something right now, Stephon. Your wife's Interest Level is fluttering at around 51% to 55%, and you're running out of time. But you'd only be hip to that if you read "The System," and it's obvious that you don't even own it. So, what can you do about your fix? Grow up! "The System" can help 90% of all guys with your problem. But in your case, odds are only 50-50 that it will work.

get over it Man, if you think it's hell being married to a celebrity's ex, it's high time to loosen up and buy a dozen T-shirts. All you have to do is remember that Kyra dropped her celebrity husband. He's yesterday's news. He turned her off, just like you're doing. And at the rate you're going, you'll be in the same boat unless you wake up on the double and memorize my principles. When you complain about having your face rubbed in Kyra's ex's onscreen time, you remind me of those religious penitents who flagellate themselves on a holy day. So stop torturing yourself, my friend. Wake up and smell the coffee if there's still time and you haven't already made Kyra want to run for the hills. Remember guys; if you want to get on the celebrity train, you'd better have fun with the ride.

Has My Girlfriend Lost It? Hey Doc, I need some of your great wisdom and advice. I am considering breaking up with my girlfriend of six months. I realize that no relationship is without its problems, so I am hesitant to break it off with Dana, but at the same time I would rather feel a little sad than a lot sorry, not to mention the wasted time I'd save. Everything was going so smoothly between us. Dana was even wondering if we were ever going to have a fight, things were going so well. Well, she got her first fight two weeks later. I attend a school in which 90% of my classmates are female. I told her that I wanted to have friends at school, but that they would be mostly women. She said that she had no problem with that.

i hang out with women Well, I made a number of friends and I hung out with one of them on a few occasions. Terri knew I had a girlfriend and nothing inappropriate ever happened between us. I never told Dana that I was hanging out with Terri, just because I still wasn't sure if she would have a problem with it. Finally, I grew some confidence and told her about Terri, figuring it couldn't hurt. In fact, I even introduced Terri to Dana. That's when everything went haywire. We had been drinking at a restaurant, and Terri didn't want to drive afterwards. She lives 45 minutes away, so I kindly offered her one of the extra beds at my condo. At this point, Dana freaked out. She was shaking and upset, and told me that I had to tell Terri that she couldn't stay over. It turned out to be quite a nasty scene and left me shaking my head afterwards.

my girl's irrational In my eventual career, I'm going to work very closely with women and I feel that if Dana can't handle my female friends now, I don't know how easily she'll be able to handle my working with women. Doc, Dana has many of the qualities that you discuss in "The System." She's a Flexible Giver, is considerate and kind, is very sexy, and can speak three languages. She's upbeat, dresses well and is thoughtful, and finding someone like her has been difficult. She's in shape and has fewer problems than I do. For the most part, we work well together, but I feel that her jealousy could be a future problem. At this point in the relationship, we have hit somewhat of a plateau. There's only one logical next step, marriage, which I am not ready for. (Dana's in her late 20s and I'm 21, by the way.) Should I move on and start dating other people since I'm so young? Doc, I really need your help here. Charlie -- who doesn't want to make any hasty decisions

doc love's answer Hi Charlie, Before you decide on getting rid of Dana, you have to ask yourself whether you had any input into this situation. Because if Dana had 95% Interest Level in you and a good Attitude, and you were in turn respectful of her, you wouldn't be having this problem, right? Chew on that for a few minutes, guy. Is it all over for Charlie? Find out... Any chance it's not a coincidence that you two had your first battle just two weeks after Dana mentioned that you'd never fought? Six months of peace and love and kisses, and then a few days later, BOOM! -- all hell breaks loose. Kind of weird, don't you think? Even if the odds are one in 10 of something like that happening, you've got to consider what's really going on here.

why talk about other women? Now, Dana knew your classmates were largely of the female species from day one and it wasn't a problem, right? So why did you go and blab to her that you had to have a huge harem of girlfriends at school? Why did you have to tell her anything, for that matter? And most important of all, what in the world are you doing talking about other women? A charming man never throws potential competition up in his girlfriend's face unless he absolutely has to.

So right there you made a pair of humongous mistakes. Dana should be dropping you instead of vice versa, Charlie. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Boy, you got it all back-asswards!" To you Psych majors, keep your big mouths shut! So, you hung out with Terri -- just the two of you -- a few times? Another big boo-boo. It showed disloyalty to Dana. When you insist on spending time with your girl buddies, you have to do it in a crowd. Spending time with another girl in private only invites trouble. Could you expect Dana to see it as anything but a threat? Come on, Charlie, use your head.

you introduced her to competition You should have been asking yourself whether telling Dana about Terri could possibly help your relationship. Why would talking about another girl make Dana like you more and raise Interest Level? That's the issue here. And the answer is that it can't. Charlie, are you sure you want to drop this girl? Why the hell did you introduce them? The next thing that makes no rational sense is why you would possibly want to introduce Terri to Dana. I assume that you and Dana just happened to bump into Terri somewhere. I hope to God you didn't actually set up a meeting among the three of you. Why would you want to throw two kitty-kats together, especially when things were going perfectly between you and Dana? Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Were you looking for trouble here, bro? Or were you out to stroke your own ego?"

sleepovers are bad Instead of offering Terri an extra bed at your place, you should have driven her to a hotel room, made sure she got safely into bed, said good night, threw the keys on the bed, then slammed the door like a cool guy would, and just written off the 60 bucks for the Motel 6. But most of you guys usually do all the wrong things. You've got to learn how to be innovative. You've got to learn how to think on the spot. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love would say, "If you wanna survive, man, you gotta learn how to dance!" You should never have brought Dana into this whole thing in the first place. It's not your female friends Dana has trouble with, Charlie -- it's you. It's the way you're presenting these women to her. You're doing it all wrong, dude. Don't go worrying about how Dana will handle your future career working with women. You're getting way ahead of yourself here. Heck, odds are she won't even be around by the time that happens.

you disrespected her I would certainly hope Dana has fewer problems than you. And that's why I know she won't be hanging around all that much longer. This whole mess has nothing to do with her jealousy. It has to do with respect -- your lack of it. It's the way you're explaining your relationships with other women that's turning Dana off. And you're doing it all incorrectly because you haven't memorized "The System." As a matter of fact, I can hear Dana's Interest Level doing a painful nose-dive even as we speak. You're definitely not ready for marriage, Chuck. And by the way, what do you call Dana -Mom? What's this 29-year-old gorgeous lady doing with a baby? Aren't there laws against that sort of thing? Don't forget, Mary Kay Letourneau did hard time for robbing the cradle. You absolutely should go out and date other women, but not because you're so young. You have to get out there because you have so much to learn! Remember guys; if you want to protect your heart, you'd better internalize "The System."

Should You Ever Reveal Your Flaws To Women? Hey Doc, I've been seeing Lianna for a few weeks now and I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I know I like her, and I thought her Interest Level in me was high (mid-70s), but now I'm not so sure. I used to work with Lianna and she began contacting me via e-mail out of the blue. She asked lots of personal questions, so I took this as a Buying Signal and asked to meet her after work. She agreed. We met and had a few drinks. When the bill came she offered to pay, but I insisted. She gave me a playful bump with her hip. I had her laughing all night long and kept it light. Afterwards, I asked for her home phone number but she gave me her cell number and asked for mine (ugh). She said she wanted to go out again and gave me a hug. I felt confused, like I should have tried to kiss her. Our next date was a Los Angeles Angels baseball game. Again, we had a great time. About five minutes after I got home that night, Lianna called. She said she just wanted to make sure I got home okay. Then she admitted she just used the call as an excuse to see when we could go out again. To me, this was a sign of very high interest, but I played it cool and told her that I was busy for the next few days and that we would talk later. On our third date -- dinner at a nice restaurant -- we were laughing and having a good time, when Lianna began asking me some very personal questions. I tried to throw the questions back at her as much as I could. At one point, she started telling me about some of her insecurities, and then said, "I've told you my insecurities, now what are yours?" I told her that when I was growing up, I was insecure about my ability to play sports, but that I no longer felt that way. She did the majority of the talking and I just asked questions that dug deeper into what she

was saying, mostly about her insecurities and passions. At the end of the night, I walked her up to her porch and gave her a kiss. It was a very good kiss, Doc. I said good night and went home. That's the last time I talked to her. I called twice a couple of days later and got her voicemail both times (I didn't leave a message). I waited a few more days and called her again. Again I got her voicemail and didn't leave a message. I called her last night and got her voicemail again. I decided that two weeks was enough to call and not get an answer, so I left a message. Was leaving a message a mistake? Did I somehow lower her Interest Level on the third date so that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or am I missing something? Aaron -- who can't figure out how he blew it

doc love's answer Hi Aaron, When you say you thought Lianna's Interest Level was high, but now you're not sure, what does it really mean? It means you jumped the gun, that's what. Like most overeager, lovestarved guys, you overrated the woman's Interest Level. Mistake No. 1. And boys, it's a big one, because it leads to all kinds of errors later on. Check out what else Aaron did wrong...

always seal the deal Let's examine the specifics of what happened. Lianna contacted you via e-mail? Beautiful. According to Rabbi Love, "Incoming interest from a babe is the meaning of Heaven!" And it's to your credit, Aaron that you went straight for the date without fooling around. You closed. Guys, you always have to remember to close. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "Man, it don't mean a thing if you don't seal the deal." So good for you -- at least up to this point. And it was good that you insisted on paying for your first rendezvous. It shows that you're all class, a regular Cary Grant in the making. And consider that playful "hip bump" Lianna gave you a touch. Remember though, that despite all the good stuff that happened that first night, it was just a little get-together -- your preliminary bout. Like any good fighter, you have to last nine more rounds (dates) and the performance has to be perfect. And of course, that's the tricky part. Think of it this way: When they open the gate at the rodeo, there's a guy sitting on top of the Brahma Bull, but most of them don't make it to eight seconds.

always get her number You shouldn't have given Lianna your cell phone number until you got her home phone number. When she told you she wanted to go out a second time, you should have said, "Are

you sure? I think you're a little too fast for me, baby. But I'll tough it out and go with you anyway." And by the way, fellas, you don't kiss her right there in the bar. You wait and kiss her on her doorstep. Guy, you shouldn't have picked up the phone when Lianna called you after date No. 2. Another boner. Instead, you should have listened to the message she left on your machine. And played it over and over again, and studied it to see exactly what it is you're dealing with. You have to learn to not be so ready and willing. Sure, Lianna's ruse of using a call for finding out when you were going out again was a cute move, but you're missing the point here. Her Interest Level might have been 95%, but again, you two have barely gotten through one date. You have to have that 95% Interest Level from her at the end of nine dates before you can say you're in the ballgame at all. And as I said before, that's what's tough. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "Don't go countin' yer chickens before they hatch, boy!" Nevertheless, it was cool that you told Lianna you'd be busy for the next few days when she was champing at the bit. You know how many guys wouldn't have done that? On the other hand, the rule is that any time a female's interest is incoming, grab the date. Still, it's not a major error that you turned her down. You should have applied some pressure...

press her But what's bothersome is that Lianna didn't ask you out specifically, as in, "Can you go out Thursday at 8 o'clock?" So you should have pressed her. "What night?" You should have "closed her" to see how real her offer was. In other words, let's pin this thing down right here and now, and find out if it's just a "phony flirt" or the real deal. When Lianna started bingbingbing-ing those personal questions at you, she was subjecting you to the "hard interview." To you Psych majors, this is usually a tactic used by structured women. She was thinking that since she loves you so much (though it's only been three dates!), it's time for you to pour it all out and if you don't, she's going to get rid of you because you're not playing her game. Aaron, you should have listened very, very closely to Lianna's litany of insecurities, because this is the whack-job you're going to be living with for the next 30 years! In your response to her question about your fears and anxieties, you should have told her: "Honey, I've got the biggest problem in the world. I go out with a girl a few times -- and I swear to you I wish I didn't have this problem -- and they fall head over heels in love with me! I got two right now under restraining orders for stalking me after only three dates. I'm telling you, sweetie, this being popular is for the birds! Every man wants women to fall in love with them, but I don't like it. And I don't dig having my body used all the time, either." And you should have done it with a straight face, and then given her your best Christopher Walken look.

give her funny answers When you copped to your athletic insecurities, it was cool, too. You had something light and safe to say, it was no big deal, then you shifted the attention immediately back to her. Since you couldn't come up with all the funnies you were supposed to have prepared for every single one of her questions, what you did was okay. I'm not saying it was the right thing, but at least you didn't lose lots of face. And you pulled it out at the last minute by saying you no longer felt like a sports fairy. Of course she's probably going to think, If he doesn't feel insecure, then why's he talking about it?, but on the whole you acquitted yourself adequately. And it was brilliant that you dug deep into what Lianna was saying. Most guys would have tried to switch the subject to football. But leaving her a message after all those hang-up calls was a mistake, my friend. Think about what's really going on here. This girl had your number all this time and was supposedly gone over you, right? But she got turned off and you lost your composure. Like Brother Love says, "You thought you were standing on solid ground, my son, but you weren't." How you blew it, Aaron, was that you didn't have enough insecurities to talk about. If you depressed Lianna, she probably would have stayed with you. Then you could have been miserable together forever. Remember guys; if you go in fast, you can go out just as fast.

Does Giving You Her E-mail Address Show Low Interest? Hey Doc, I hope you can give me some advice. Three weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I met Ashley at a state fair. After 10 minutes of good conversation, I asked for her phone number. She said that she had some problems in the past when giving out her number, and offered me her e-mail address instead. As your rules in "The System" state, I took this as a "not interested." I told her it was nice talking with her, and moved on. After another 15 minutes or so, I decided to leave. Noticing this, Ashley came up and asked, "Are you leaving?" I told her yes and she said, "Maybe I'll run into you sometime."

i used her e-mail address

Normally, I would have flushed her e-mail address and forgotten about her, but during our conversation, she asked quite a few personal questions and we seemed to have a lot in common. I figured I had nothing to lose by sending an e-mail. I waited until Thursday, e-mailed her, and invited her out for drinks on Sunday night. She accepted. We met at the designated place and talked for two and a half hours. She tapped the top of my leg quite a bit. I ended the date by saying I had to be in the office early. I walked her back to her car and closed with a kiss on the lips. On Wednesday I e-mailed her, inviting her to play miniature golf. She accepted, and this time gave me her address and home phone number.

she gave me her home number This date went well. After golf, we went for ice cream. I took her home, walked her to the door, and kissed her goodnight. The following Monday I e-mailed her, inviting her to dinner and a movie for Tuesday. At the end of the date I walked her to her door and she gave me a nice long kiss. The next morning, she sent me an e-mail and told me she had a really good time. That was one week ago, and I haven't heard from her since. I have not initiated any contact with her since our last date.

is e-mail communication bad? Here's what confuses me, Doc. Ashley was always on time, used every excuse to touch me, laughed at my dumb jokes, and seemed to have a very good attitude. But I've made all three of our dates over e-mail. (I called her only once, and there was no answer, so I didn't leave a message.) The e-mail thing seems like a red flag to me. Plus, if she had high interest in me, wouldn't she have made some attempt to contact me in the week since our last date? My inclination right now is to not initiate further contact with her, sit back, and see if she contacts me. What do you think? Alvin -- who wants to know how to play it

doc love's answer Hi Alvin, If you had your ears open, you would have realized that Ashley was telling you a lot right up

front when she dropped that remark about handing out her home phone number. If she were only giving her number to nice guys, she wouldn't have any problems, would she? Was something else going on? Find out... So why the heck was she handing out her number to all comers? Or was something else going on? Does she have a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend? Like I always tell you guys, you have to be like a love detectives on "Love And Order."

maybe she's a control freak Taking Ashley's offer of her e-mail address as a "not interested" was certainly a shrewd assessment on your part, at least at first. 90% of the time, you'd be safe coming to that conclusion. But with Ashley there was something else happening. Sure, it could have been that she wasn't interested. But she could also be a control freak. Or maybe she has problems coming from the outside -- that psycho stalker ex I mentioned. So you have to go deeper here. With that in mind, let's look at what actually did happen. Ashley came up to you at the fair and asked if you were leaving? Phenomenal! That was a definite Buying Signal. You should have said, "Nah, I'm not leaving. I was just practicing my reverse moonwalk!" When she said maybe she'd run into you sometime, you should have come back with, "Remember what they say -- when the stars are aligned, your dreams will come true," and then smiled. Show some Confidence here, Alvin, a little guts.

taking her e-mail address was fine So it was a good idea that you took her e-mail address. She did approach you, after all, and hinted that she wanted to bump into you again. She talked about the future, which is always a good sign. She toned it down with "maybe," but still, she tossed out clues about what was going to happen. More Buying Signals! So don't get all hung up on the e-mail issue. At least you had a way to communicate with this honey. Even better, when it came to the actual date, she showed up! Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "You know how many babes don't even make an appearance after you set the time and place?" And when Ashley eventually gave you her street address and home phone number, you got even closer. The point here is that doing things by e-mail didn't hurt you at all. If she likes email, give her e-mail. True, "The System" says that you have to go for the home phone number, but this is an advanced class. This girl's doing everything else textbook-right. The way Alvin books his dates is all wrong...

don't book the date for tomorrow So then you went and asked her out on Monday for Tuesday night. Guys, don't ask them out for the very next night. That's way too close for comfort. Make it Monday for Thursday, or Wednesday for Sunday -- but not Monday for Tuesday. Like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "What are you trying to do, man, suffocate her? Give her a little room to breathe!" Hey, Alvin, you're lucky Ashley wasn't busy Tuesday night. On the other hand, Interest Level cuts across everything. Nevertheless, I want to congratulate you because you did everything else right up to this point. You went for the kiss on the lips. You closed the deal. Good for you. That's what you're supposed to do -- close. But Alvin, you weren't supposed to hear from Ashley after her last e-mail. She's a classy lady. She's not going to drape herself all over you like a cheap suit. You -- the man -- are supposed to do the asking until you own the girl. But you're getting closer.

signs she really likes you It's a mistake that you haven't initiated contact with her. It shows you have a big ego. You want poor Ashley to come crawling and begging. She's already kissing you goodnight, she can't keep her hands off you, and she shows up when she says she will. You got any idea how many guys don't have that? You're so blinded by this e-mail situation, buddy, that you're not seeing the forest through the trees. Ashley gave you a way to communicate with her and everything else is going right. What more do you want? Guy, you have to know when to fold 'em. Like I said before, you're in the advanced class here. But you wouldn't know that until you have "The System" memorized. If you did, you would have known you could have stopped forcing the e-mail issue. If it works, go with it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "If she likes to talk using two tin cans connected by a long string, get her a tin can, sonny boy!"

men make the moves Don't worry that you haven't heard from Ashley for the past week. The only thing to be concerned about is that she's there and on time for your dates, she giggles, she touches you, and that you kiss her on the lips. Other than that, nothing else matters. Being a tough guy is no good here. You think you're being a Challenge, but by doing that you're actually breaking the rules. The male is supposed to be aggressive, not passive-

aggressive. This is not the time to imitate Clint Eastwood and play hardball. Remember guys; if she likes e-mail and does everything else right, send her e-mail to make the date.

Why Does Her Interest Level Flip-Flop? Hi Doc, I am a dedicated follower of "The System" and truly feel you've got it all figured out. There is a situation I would like your advice on. Here are the details. I began dating Leigh two and a half years ago. In the beginning, I was unaware of how powerful Challenge really was. I was a Challenge without even knowing it. When we first started going out I even said to her, "I don't have to call you every day, do I?" For the first six months, Leigh was a wildcat. She was a blast to hang out with and appeared to have a tremendously high level of interest in me. However, she is from a family that's very impressed with money and they're always telling her to "marry up." I come from a modest background but was able to provide her with lots of the things she wanted. After a year I found out that her ex-boyfriend of 10 years (who, by the way, is filthy rich) started calling her. She said she wanted to be friends with him again, but being a guy, I knew better. I was concerned and jealous. We ended up breaking up a few months later because Leigh said she felt like something was missing. She even said that I wasn't being a Challenge, there was no chemistry, and I didn't stand up to her enough. The funny thing, though, is that she didn't start dating her exboyfriend. That's when I fell into your hands and started reading your articles. I went back to being a Challenge -- not calling and saying "I love you" all the time -- and after a few months we got back together. Then I got a job and had to move to another state for nine months. We decided we could do the long-distance thing. During my eighth month away, Leigh bought me a birthday gift and gave it to me a week early when I was home visiting, but she forgot to call me on my birthday. I got very upset with her and she apologized. We made up, and she invited me to spend the Fourth of July with her and her parents at the beach. The first night things were great. The next day, though, she was distant. She went to visit her girlfriend and didn't return any of my phone calls for a week. When she got back, she finally called and again said that she didn't feel any chemistry.

she was with another man Some time later I ran into her when she was with another guy. I made like I was doing okay, but deep down I still had feelings for her. I waited a week, called her, and left a message saying that I thought she was looking good. She called back and when I didn't return any of her messages, she begged me to call. A week went by and I asked her out. It was apparent she was still single. She called me the day after our date and told me how much fun she had, and that she'd like to see me again. I waited another week to call and asked her out again. This time things were different. She was distant again, but I continued to try to be light and funny. I haven't spoken to her since. How can a girl who says she doesn't feel chemistry for you one day and be intimate with you the next, then go cold again? It's so confusing, Doc. Is there anything I can do to turn Leigh around at this point? I would love to know what you think I should do now. I love Leigh, but I don't understand her. Loren -- who can hardly take it anymore

doc love's answer Hi Loren, First off, you're not a dedicated follower of "The System." Know how I can tell? Because you're asking me a mile-long question here. If you were really a Doc Love disciple, you'd have my principles memorized and be able to figure it all out. You'd already know the solution to your problems. But that's not the issue here. I'm here to help you and every other guy out there. So here's where you went wrong...

challenge is strong You were unaware of how powerful Challenge is? I've been telling you from day one that it's nitro! But you guys still don't believe me. Think about it: You had Leigh eating out of your hand for six whole months with a throwaway line like "I don't have to call you every day, do I?" Heck, that's something straight out of the mouth of Sal "The Fish" Love! Talk about a master of Challenge! So, Leigh was a blast for six months. That means in the seventh month she wasn't such a party

anymore -- because her Interest Level was taking a nosedive. Because, Loren, you were doing something different. You changed something. You started morphing into some form of Wimpus Americanus. What it boiled down to is that you stopped being a Challenge. And Interest Level will decline from there on out. Don't fool yourself, man. Money was never an issue with Leigh. During those first hot six months, Interest Level cut through everything, right? Leigh knew you weren't the second coming of J. Paul Getty when you pulled up for the first time in your secondhand Saturn. When her Interest Level was 95%, she couldn't care less whether you drove a Mercedes or were collecting unemployment insurance. (To you Psych majors, he was between careers!) For six months you owned this girl. Then you didn't anymore. When her rich ex came into the picture, you should have said to her, "Hey, baby, bring him over and we'll have lunch. I'd really like to meet the man. In fact, I'd be honored." On the inside you were thinking of taking a hit out on the guy, but on the outside, don't ever show that anything gets to you. Sure, you should have been concerned, but not jealous. Instead, you should have been asking yourself, Why is she talking about exes? Why is she talking to other men? Why isn't she a blast anymore? What the heck am I doing wrong?

she dropped you You two didn't break up, Loren. Leigh dropped you. We don't break up with women -- they drop us. Get it? Sure, something was missing for her -- 51 points of Interest Level! It was 100% for around 180 days, but you managed to lower it to 49%. That's the missing "chemistry" she was talking about. Chemistry is the twin sister of Challenge. When Leigh accused you of not standing up to her, what she meant was that you have no backbone, you're no fun and you're boring -- but don't take it personally. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "And you wonder why she's talking to the exes?" By the way, Loren, how do you know Leigh wasn't dating her rich ex? Did you have someone tailing her with a camera? You don't have enough money to hire someone like that. Her rich ex-boyfriend does, though. It's too bad you got to me after the damage was done, buddy. It's nice that you tried to go back to being a Challenge, but 90% of you guys do it way, way too late. You don't realize that what the girl saw in you at the beginning, she wants to see after 40 years. As Doctor Love would say, "What she doesn't want is someone who's predictable and no fun." Things went from bad to worse...

you moved away

Moving out of state for your new job was the kiss of death. Now I know that somebody upstairs was looking out for this girl! You were forced to get out of town in your tenuous position with Leigh? Talk about things going wrong! Murphy's Law loves you. Do you know why your birthday slipped Leigh's mind? Because babes only call when their Interest Level is somewhere between 51% and 100%. I know this is tough for you to swallow, but it's the truth. But then you pouted. Great! Guess what pouting does to Interest Level? I'll give you a hint -- it's like driving a stake through a vampire's heart. At that point you should have turned down Leigh's invitation for the Fourth of July and told her you had other plans. The reason things were great on the first night was because she was putting on an act. But then she ran out of gas. She got tired of fighting her resentment for you and decided to let it out. Screw it, she figured -- this guy's such a drag I'm going to shoot him a dirty look every time I see him. Resentment isn't pretty. But you must really be addicted to pain and torture, Loren, because you still hadn't had enough. You went and left phone messages! (You left phone messages and you're a follower of mine? Like my cousin Brother Love says, "Blasphemy!") Then Leigh confesses to you a second time that she has no feelings for you and what do you do? Like every other male, you chase her! Makes sense, right? Really smart. What a great idea. Seeing the results you got, maybe I should change my philosophy on women!

but you still love her! And after all the punishment you absorbed, you still have feelings for her. That's okay. You're not a robot and I'm sorry you're in pain, my friend. But you forgot to memorize "The System." You should have come to me about a month before you met this girl to get all my rules down, and if you had, right now Leigh would be your love slave. But instead she's a love slave for some old filthy rich boy. Don't be fooled because she begged you to call her. Know what was really begging? Her ego. Not her Interest Level. Because when it's 40% to 49%, they give you false hope. You were getting scraps, dude. And then it just gets worse until it peters out altogether. That's why when it's over, it has to be "Adios, baby!" So, it was apparent that Leigh was still single? Talk about grasping for straws! She wanted to see you again? Hey, maybe you two are meant for each other after all -- this girl's a real dingdong! At best, though, her Interest Level is bouncing all over the place like a ball in a pinball machine: 43% to 41% to 46%, etc. Here's what the inside of her head sounds like: "I'll call him back... I'll break the date... Maybe I'll see him... Nah, I won't see him," etc. And when she finally cuts you loose forever, you'll sit there like a dope and look back at the massive amount

of time and energy you wasted, and how empty your wallet is. You could have wrapped this up a lot sooner, man. If you didn't make so many mistakes, you wouldn't need a bailout program.

low interest was the issue Know why Leigh goes back and forth so much? Because women will make out with you when their Interest Level is ricocheting between 40% and 49%. And you guys think, well she's kissing me, so she can't really be on the way out. But the fact is you're already out and don't even know it. You don't have a chance with this girl, Loren. Forget her. Go back to your old ways of being a great Challenge. If it helps any, I understand Leigh perfectly. For six months her Interest Level was 95%, then it went to hell and you were history. It's that simple. Remember, guys: She doesn't want just you -- she wants you and Doc Love's principles forever.

Are All Women Liars? Hey Doc, Recently, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life -- to break up with my girlfriend of nine months. I find myself second-guessing whether I did the right thing, as I often feel sorry for the person I break up with. This leads me to try and make the relationship last longer than it should. Here's the story. I'm a traditional, confident, attractive (I'm a former model) med student in his mid-20s. My parents have a model marriage, something I hope to emulate one day. I somehow got mixed up with a girl I thought was traditional too. Shannon was sweet, funny, delicate, and morally sound. She claimed to be very religious and went to church on a regular basis. I was amazed to find such a great-looking girl with a solid background. She chased me relentlessly and, of course, like "The System" dictates, I was a Challenge and only responded to her pursuit on occasion. I made her laugh and kept things light.

the red flags were there

As she became more comfortable with me (around the four-month mark), she showed red flags that I made the mistake of ignoring or choosing to live with. For instance, I found out that she would go to wild parties and sometimes got intoxicated to the point where she almost passed out. Talk about classy -- a 120-pound girl taking shots like a sailor! I was shocked, but didn't react. She cried and said she made a mistake. She told me she wouldn't do it again. Then I found out that her ex-boyfriend still called her and professed his deep feelings for her. He did this even though she told him she felt nothing for him, and that she was deeply in love with me. I asked her why she still talked to him and she responded that they have common friends and that, as a Christian, she didn't want to be "mean."

she loves attention It turned out that she's the type of girl who loves attention. I know all women do, but Shannon seemed really in love with it. She would dress scandalously and brag about turning heads at social gatherings, or shocking her boss and customers at her job since she works in retail. I understand that this is part of life, but I didn't like the fact that she seemed to enjoy it so much. To top it off, she claimed that when she has children, she'd never change a diaper or wake up if the baby's crying at night. Some great catch, huh?

why i stuck around You're probably asking why I stayed so long. Well, she promised she would change. However, with time, her true colors always shone through. It was like I was dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde character. On one side of the coin was this very sweet church girl, and on the other a party girl who craved attention and getting her own way. Very confusing. Anyhow, I got tired of being disappointed and realized the situation had no long-term potential. It got so bad that I didn't trust her whenever she went out. I'm not possessive or jealous, but I don't think it's too much to ask for someone to control herself. When I did end it, she kept calling me until finally I had to change my number. I'm not going back to that hell hole.

teach me to leave right away I guess what I'm asking, Doc, is what I should do to make sure this never happens to me again. I was raised to expect the best in people and that given the right circumstances, people can change. But it seems to me that when people change, the changes are usually superficial, and they go back to who they really are. I'm a good guy and I know I deserve better. I just want a nice, sweet girl. Ben -- who wants to protect himself in the future

doc love's answer Hi Ben, Breaking up with a girl shouldn't ever be a tough decision. It should be a piece of cake. Your problem is that you didn't leave sooner. This goes for most guys out there. Don't feel bad about dumping her... But you're sitting around feeling sorry for these castaways. Why, Ben? Do you think they sit around feeling an ounce of sympathy for you when they cut your heart out with a razor? Guy, as my cousin General Love always says, "Dating is war!" If you let a bad relationship drag on, you're just fighting reality. And my principles are all about facing reality -- the sooner the better.

she was crazy from the get-go Guess what, man? Shannon might have looked clean and wholesome at the start, but deep down, she's nothing like your dear old mom. She went to church all right, but apparently not enough. It only seemed like she had a solid background, but unfortunately for you, appearances was where it ended. But it's great that you responded to Shannon's pursuit of you at first. Some guys would have held back and rubbed Challenge in her face, but that's not the rule. You should give in once in a while. Setting an inconsistent pattern means she's never going to be bored. This is great -- so far. Because Shannon's true colors came out at the four-month mark -- in other words, you stayed an extra five months for nothing -- you threw away five months of your life and money, and you probably lost some of your sanity in the process over a ding-dong. Was she worth it?

she's a wasted case So, Shannon almost passed out at parties. And those two guys with her were helping her to recover, right? But I can just hear her tearful explanation afterwards: "Oh, Benny, I slipped and made a booboo! This is the only time it's ever happened! I never make an ass of myself at parties, honest! Somebody mixed those drinks really strong! When I came to, those two guys were just helping me over to the couch to sleep it off!" I got news for you, Ben -- Shannon didn't just start drinking like a sailor. She's been pounding it down like Popeye for a long time. And you're a medical student? Man, am I ever going to feel comfortable the next time I have to go to the hospital for a diagnosis!

a man in denial So, Shannon told you she wouldn't ever do it again. You know what's really sad, Ben? Not that she's a liar, because that goes with the territory. What's sad is that you believed her. You bought into the big lie. Why? Because you wanted to. You thought you had a conventional, conservative girl and you were going to stick to your guns come hell or high water. Your male ego and pride led you astray. And, pal, you lost five precious months of your life because of those two words -- ego and pride. Shannon and her ex don't have friends in common. She's got low Self-Esteem and she's addicted to the strokes. One man isn't enough for her. She has to have at least two turkeys eating out of her hand. But okay, she's a Christian and she didn't want to be mean. Whatever happened to "when it's over, it's over"? There's no reason for Shannon and her ex to be communicating. The reality is that Shannon is being mean. She's being mean by being disrespectful to you, the one she loves so much (theoretically), and by stringing her ex along and giving him false hope. Like my cousin "Fast Eddie" Love says, "She's some catch, all right!" Dude, she was a full-on whack-job...

she was a whack-job When you describe how Shannon gets off on her various states of undress, one thing becomes very obvious to me -- she's a flasher. This girl's in the wrong place -- she should be working one of the Vegas strip clubs. She sure as heck doesn't belong in church! To you Psych majors, when you fall for a knockout, you have to expect her to get away with murder. Know why Shannon will never change the baby's nappy? Because she knows you're going to do it! Why should she lift a manicured finger when she can get some flunkey to do the dirty work for her? Shannon's behavior isn't confusing at all, Ben. The girl's a whack-job. And like I tell you guys up front: no Mercenaries, no Feministas, and no whack-jobs. You're opening yourself up to a lifetime of misery if you don't heed my warning on this.

standards were set too high Dude, the reason you were disappointed in Shannon is because you were expecting too much. This babe didn't have what you thought she had. You were okay with her for four months, but then her real self came out. And you should have said to yourself, "If I want to be in love with a flasher and I want to get up at 2 a.m. to feed the baby, then I'd stay with this girl." But you have to think of the cost.

Still, you wasted five whole months, like I said before. That's five months you can never have back. But it could have been worse if you had refused to open your eyes. But hey, why didn't you trust Shannon? All she does is get bombed and pass out after 15 shots of Jack Daniel's! Gee, what's so bad about that? After all, she's got a bunch of guys rubbing her arms and forehead when she goes unconscious, but they're just trying to bring her around - at least I think that's what they're doing!

be happy you dumped her Nevertheless, I want to award you the Congressional Medal of Honor for not caving in to Shannon's pursuit at the bitter end and having the guts to get your phone number changed. You know how many guys wouldn't have done that? You know how many desperadoes would have turned right around and walked straight back into Shannon's arms? To make sure this never happens to you again, buddy, memorize "The System" and then get out after four months! Sure, people can change, but with this girl you're not just talking about the way she applies her lipstick. She's got major problems that need attention, starting with her binge drinking. But one essential thing we never mentioned is that this girl has to want to change. If she ever gets to teach a course on the Bible or give a speech on modesty and decorum, she has to be able to do it with a straight face. Otherwise, like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Fuhget about it, baby!" Remember, guys: The prettier they are, the easier it is for them to hide their flaws.

Can Beautiful Women Be Trusted? Hey Doc, I've been a student of "The System" for about a month now. I think I have to break up with Maria Luiza - who happens to be one of those really beautiful women, but I just don't have the heart to do it. This is my story. I've always dated really beautuful women, but this girl I'm seeing now is drop-dead gorgeous (she's a dead ringer for Mischa Barton) about a year ago. After a few months of being together, she had to leave for Brazil (which is where she's from) for three months. We decided that we would continue our relationship long distance. I thought everything was going okay, but now I'm not so sure. The night before she was

supposed to come back to the U.S., she went out dancing with her friends. She was offered a ride home afterwards by one of her male companions. En route to her house, he stopped by his place and invited her in for a few minutes. At this point the details get sketchy, but here's what I've been able to wrestle out of her so far. She had had two drinks at the bar and was feeling lightheaded. When they got inside the guy's apartment, he sat on the couch next to her and started kissing her. She said that what followed "just happened." When I asked her how it happened, she said that maybe she wasn't feeling so sure about our relationship. She said that they were kissing for just a second, but then things got a little more intimate. Then, she said, she pushed him away and ran out of the place, and reported him to the police. When Maria Luiza returned to the States the next day, there were no bruises or scratches on her. I went to visit her at her place, but we ended up arguing all night over this incident. Whenever I asked her for more details, she started attacking me. She made me feel like the culprit, Doc, and maintained that what happened wasn't her fault at all. By four in the morning I got tired of arguing and left. Doc, is Maria Luiza's story just Womanese? What do you see here? I see scum. But I just can't gather enough courage to drop her. Like I said, she's one of those beautiful women, a legitimate "10." I really want to get over this ordeal. Any suggestions, Doc? Gordon -- who can't tell if he's being snowed

doc love's answer Hi Gordon, First of all, you say "we" -- meaning you and Maria Luiza together -- decided to continue your relationship long distance. But just who brought the arrangement up first? Was it you? Or was it her? Did you have to beg? How was the subject left when Maria Luiza flew off to the Amazon? Were you whimpering like an abandoned pit bull? Let's move on to what happened...

think about what she did Now let me get this straight. Maria Luiza went out with the girls, but happened to get into a car that wasn't owned by one of them. No, instead she ends up cruising around in the middle of the night with some guy she was dirty dancing with at the club. Hmm... Then she gets out of the car and goes with him into his apartment. Fascinating. Uh, why didn't she sit in the car and tell him, "Go do what you have to do in the apartment and I'll wait here?" She must have

been so lightheaded from those two drinks that she completely forgot what she was doing -and all about you, too. And it's at this sensitive point that the details of Maria Luiza's story get sketchy. I wonder why that is? Gordon, this is pretty comical. But let's look a little closer at what allegedly went down with your girlfriend. Why didn't she sit in a chair so this fellow couldn't sit next to her? When she said that what followed "just happened," does it mean she cooked him breakfast in the morning?

she wasn't sure about you I gotta hand it to this girlfriend of yours, man. She's slick, all right. You were interrogating her like an internal affairs officer and she decided to turn the tables on you. What exactly wasn't she so sure of when it came to your relationship? Your high Interest Level? She knows you were in love with her, so what exactly was she saying? Did you ever think that when she was necking with her salsa partner from south of the border that maybe she wasn't sure of her Interest Level in you? This whole scene is just great. It reminds me of those classic arguments where the girl does something outrageously wrong and her poor boyfriend is so angry that he can't see straight, and then she cuddles up to him and coos "Are you mad?" Now the poor schmuck is suddenly on the defensive and if he says he's not mad, then he's lying! Don't think that my cousin General Love is kidding for a second when he says, "Go out there fully armed, because dating is war!" To you Psych majors, she's pulling a fast one on you. She's scamming you. It's called being so slippery that you lose your footing and get all confused. But when you see those bee-stung lips, and legs that start up here and end down in Ipanema in a bikini, you don't have a prayer. Any chance Maria Luiza and her chauffeur could have been kissing for an hour rather than just a second? And I wonder exactly what "a little more intimate" means. You get the idea. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "They weren't playing checkers, baby!" Beautiful women can be snakes...

she knew what she was doing Now let me get something else straight. Your squeeze reported this guy to the authorities for the following reasons: 1. She got into his car voluntarily. 2. She went to his place voluntarily. 3. She sat next to him on his couch voluntarily.

4. She made out with him voluntarily. 5. He never held a gun to her head. Well, gee, if I were cop, I'd put the guy away too! Her story makes perfect, logical sense to me! You say you saw no bruises or scratches when you two got together the next morning? I'm shocked all over again! Boy, medicine works fast these days! But like "Fast Eddie" Love says, "I'll bet he had scratches all over his body!" But at the end of the day, nothing was Maria Luiza's fault -- she didn't make any bad choices at all when she was partying down in Rio. Gordon, I have to give this girl's story the Womanese Award of the Year. You might see scum here, Gordo, but I see an anaconda in the grass. Nevertheless, you can't bring yourself to drop this babe because she's too hot. And that's very sad. The point is this: She's always gotten away with murder because of her looks. And she'll go on getting away with murder until she hits the wall or somebody calls her on it. This is often the case for most beautiful women who fool around on the side - they can get away with it because of their looks.

you caught her And that's the one thing you did right. You busted her and that's why she attacked you. I think it's great, man. You were really, really sharp. Most guys wouldn't have the guts to not let their little starlets wriggle immediately off the hook. Here's my suggestion: Next time, don't fall in love so fast. Remember, guys: When the girl attacks you, you know she's guilty.

She's Losing Interest, Should You Start Flirting? Hey Doc, I'm a regular reader of "The System." I think you give great advice on all aspects of dating, much better than the other love doctors out there. Now I've become a regular listener of your radio show as well. Please keep up the good work. Lots of us guys need it. But I have a question that I don't think you've ever dealt with.

nice guy syndrome First, let me tell you my situation. I've been dating Sasha for about three months now. I was unbelievably attracted to her from the start (she's 26 and a real hottie), and though I tried my best to stay a Challenge, I couldn't help myself from slipping into the worshipful "Nice Guy" syndrome, after which, predictably, she began to lose some interest in me. But here's the good thing. It's my assessment that Sasha's Interest Level is still at least 51%, although I have sensed it fading lately. By this I mean that she still accepts dates once a week and we have a pretty good time when we're out. Needless to say, I'd like her to be completely in love with me, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

is flirting okay? Now since I'm a good-looking guy myself, I always catch women looking at me wherever I am, even when I'm out with Sasha. So here's my question: Is it okay to flirt with these other girls when I'm with Sasha? Since her Interest Level is declining anyway, will it have a positive effect on her? In other words, if other women find me attractive, doesn't that increase my desirability to Sasha? Or will it only hurt my cause? I'm confused on how to handle this. I recently heard a never-married movie star with a long track record of dating beauties say that women only like bad boys. Flirting with other girls doesn't make me Scott Peterson, but it does show that I can't be controlled.

i want home phone numbers So far I've kept my flirting to a minimum, like smiling back when a girl smiles at me. But I can't tell what effect, if any, it's having on Sasha, since I've stopped short of asking other women for their home phone numbers when I'm with her. But if I'm going to lose her anyway, I might as well have some fun in the process, right? Maybe I'll even meet someone new. I'd like you to weigh in with your thoughts on this. Thanks, Doc. Andre - who's trying to kill two birds with one stone

doc love's answer Hi Andre,

What you're suffering through right now is the biggest romantic affliction in America, so you can take some comfort in the fact that you're not alone. Once a guy's Interest Level hits 90% or above, he just loses it. He's a goner. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Love is a drug." Seems the knockout knocked you out... Here's the problem when you're all hung up on a knockout: Your head's not right and you're not thinking straight. It's like the woman is a cobra who got her fangs into a mouse -- you -and you're just paralyzed. And there you are saying to yourself, "I'm so in love with this girl! I've never been in love like this before! I can't live without her!" And it's only the fourth date! It's great that your Interest Level is soaring around the stratosphere, but guess what? At the end of the day, you guys all give in and collapse -- because the drug is too strong. And the drug is called "beauty."

woman has low interest Andre, your girl didn't lose some interest in you. She lost a lot of interest in you. Jeez, you're bragging about a 51% Interest Level? You're hanging by a skimpy vine from the side of a mountain looking down 4,000 feet to the bottom of the ravine and you're proud of it? I got news for you -- you've already slid off the mountain to 40% Interest Level. It's over and you don't even know it. Now Sasha's going to keep you around just to see how much pain she can inflict on you before she finds another poor dumb fish to sink her hooks into. And you know why she keeps accepting dates? Because she's just waiting for the next turkey to come along. She's bored, but maybe she likes the flowers you bring over to her apartment. Like I told you guys before, when their Interest Level is 40% to 49% they'll still go out with you.

dates should be great And by the way, what do you mean when you say you two have a "pretty good time" on your dates? Can it be any weaker? How come you don't have a great time? That's what you're supposed to be doing after only a couple of months, right? Are you putting on a show when you're with Sasha? Are you taking her to great restaurants? Or are you moping because you can feel her slipping out of your grasp? Hey, Andre, don't get me wrong -- if I saw your Sasha, who's no doubt a double of Keira Knightley, I'm sure I'd be completely in love with her too. But the point is this: You had your shot, and what did you do? You blew it because you weren't prepared. The narcotic of love softened you right up. Now you're sitting there as immobilized as a

smack freak after a binge. It's just like the fate that befell Samson when he got the infamous haircut in the Bible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts told me, "Dog, that's what high Interest Level does to a man!" Here's the new game you're going to play...

play a different game Did you ever think that maybe these other women are looking at you because of Sasha? If she's as hot as you say she is, it's definitely a possibility. But no, it's not okay to flirt with other babes when you're with her. You're going to do something else. Next time you're in a bar together, you're going to say, "Honey -- see that girl over there in the red dress? She keeps staring at you. Do you know her or something?" Now of course she's been checking you out the whole time. But you're going to try and get a conversation going between her and Sasha, and see what happens. You're trying to rustle the bushes here, shake things up. Flirting will have a positive effect on Sasha's Interest Level, but that won't be enough. In your fix, you have to do a lot more.

get other women's attention If Sasha's Interest Level is 51% (like you say it is), the attention of other women will have a positive impact for the time being. But if her interest is just flickering at around 40% to 49%, these little back-and-forth skirmishes won't amount to much of anything. When you're in that south-of-the-50-yard-line range, she's just wasting your time and playing with your head. And if you've memorized my principles, you'll know when it hits 49%. But even with the power of "The System" behind you, you're still just a puny male going up against the most powerful creature on the face of the planet -- the Beautiful Woman. In other words, like Sal "The Fish" Love says, "I hope you realize how much trouble you're in, baby." But sure, Andre, keep taking Sasha to places where other women can stare at you. It's worth a shot to see if you can raise your desirability. You're asking yourself how to raise Interest Level, which is good. But the more important question -- one that should have occurred to you earlier -- is, "How did I make Sasha's Interest Level take a powder in the first place?" You should look at your errors and do the opposite. And then add Challenge to it. But it's probably too late.

bad boys and gentlemen The statement that women only like bad boys is a half-truth. Because they also dig gentlemen like Cary Grant. What Cary Grant and the bad boys have in common is that they're both Challenges. Where they differ is that the bad boy shows up for dates with a toothpick in his

mouth and thinks it's cute, while the gentleman knows it shows no class. Pal, you're only fooling yourself when you say that since you're flirting with other girls, Sasha knows she can't control you. Her Interest Level did a swan dive because she knew she could control you. You should never hustle or look at other women when you're with Miss Right or any date, that's the rule. You're not being a Challenge when you shove it in her face; you're being disrespectful. Andre, you've got the right idea -- that you have to go to war -- but you've got the wrong weapon.

get your dating act together Sure, maybe you'll meet someone new when you're flirting. And maybe there'll be an earthquake and a brick will fall and hit you in the head, too. The problem is that unless you toughen up and get the monkey off your back, when Miss Beautiful No. 2 comes along, you're going to play the same old record. You're going to make the same tired mistakes, and No. 2 is going to get rid of you, too. Except that when she does, you'll be four years older, you'll have a network of little wrinkles around your eyes, and you won't be as cute. So this is my thought on your situation: You've got a lot of work to do. Remember, guys: Most men give up all semblance of Self-Control in the presence of a Beautiful Woman.

Meeting Women & Making Dates Online Hey Doc, Thanks for your years of great service to men. I am an adherent of "The System," which you so humorously and effectively speak of in your weekly column. Now I've become addicted to your radio show, too. What are the chances that you'll become syndicated? I think that we can all do with a dose of your advice! I've been thinking about starting to use Match.com to meet women. It seems that these days the bar and club scene is dead, and instead everybody is online getting dates. I don't know if it's an effective way of meeting women, but it seems to be worth a shot since that's where the game is, right?

meeting women online

So here's my question: Do you have any suggestions for what to say when contacting a woman on Match.com? In fact, can you give us guys a blueprint for how to do it? In other words, what do you say in your intro, the next paragraph and the next paragraph, and how do you wrap it up? I'm okay when I meet a woman face to face, but frankly, I'm not exactly sure how to deal with her when I can't see her. It seems to put a guy at a disadvantage. Here's something else: The women's screen names are usually not their real names. Is it a good idea to go after their real names right away, or should I let that come later when a beachhead has been established?

interest level online Also, are there any signs to look for when exchanging e-mail with Match.com women? Now that I think of it, the question I guess I'm really asking is how can you gauge a woman's Interest Level across the computer? Don't you really have to be in a female's presence to accurately assess it? I'm asking you this now before I actually take the plunge. Like you always say, it's better to be completely prepared before going out on the battlefield. Thanks, Doc. Looking forward to your response. Jared - who feels awkward at the computer terminal

doc love's answer Hi Jared, I really appreciate what you said about me, and thank you for being so supportive. But I want you to do me an enormous favor. It's extremely important that you set "The System" by your bed and read it every night. And remember to do it for the rest of your life, even after 35 years of marriage. It's the most airtight safeguard you can give yourself when it comes to dealing with women, and its principles are eternal. But let's get back to meeting her...

doesn't last in nightclubs Here's the truth about the bar and club scene: It's not the greatest place to meet women. It's too dark, there's too much smoke, too much booze flowing, and that's when people have a tendency to tell lies. If you go out to a club, you want to be there with your buddies, having fun talking about the good old days, boxing, business, and, of course, women. But if you happen to see somebody you dig in a bar or club, you have to ask her to dance. But don't go there hoping to pick up Miss Right. The odds aren't good.

Jared, online is where the dating game is these days, make no mistake about it, and in front of the terminal screen is where you have to be. Even my Uncle Jethro Love says "Boy, you's dead in the water with the girls without your Macintosh!". But before you log on, you have to be prepared and you have to have a very strict game plan.

getting the date And the aim of this plan is to get the girl through the door of Starbucks. There you are at home, pal, with just your laptop and no girlfriend, and your goal is to eventually say: "Caprice, very nice to meet you! Have a seat." When she arrives, you buy her a Mocha Valencia and you talk for 45 minutes. Afterwards, you walk her out to her car and she says, "Wow, Jared, I had a nice time! Please give me a call and we'll get together again." Then she hugs you, gets into her car and drives away. Guys, if we're going to sell ourselves, we have to get the buyer in front of us for 45 minutes at Starbucks.

getting the date So here's what you say when you're at the keyboard. Since the ladies always ask what you're looking for, you're going to tell them, "I'm looking for a Self-Reliant, Flexible Giver who will laugh at my corny jokes. Let's meet at Starbucks and see if I can make you giggle." There's your icebreaker. You want a blueprint? A piece of cake. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "The point is to make 'em laugh and tell 'em nothin'." If you get a positive response on Match.com -- a wink -toss into your e-mail that you're a busy guy and that you have tons of fun on the weekends. In your second paragraph, keep on keeping it light. Does she like to dance? Does she like to travel to Vegas or New York? What babe doesn't like to dance or go places? Then ask her about Match.com to remind her that you don't want to just be her e-mail "buddy." Internet dating is a piece of cake...

internet dating is easy Jared, you're afraid of the wrong things. The fact is that it's a lot easier to deal with a woman when you can't see her. You're most definitely not at a disadvantage, because on the Internet you can check out up to 200 pictures within a half-hour. Then you pare it down to 45 or so, and out of that 45 you give the best ones a wink. You're going to dance back and forth with a few e-mails, then you will go in for the home phone number. And she's going to say (hopefully), "Here it is," or "I'll give it to you when we meet." Then you have to get her to show up for her coffee. Make sure you give her the Starbucks telephone

number and detailed directions, and that the place has plenty of parking because a lot of these girls won't show if they have the slightest excuse. As far as her onscreen name goes, if she wants to call herself "Anita The Hun," that's her right. You'll get her real name if she's really interested.

get that coffee date So to sum it up, break the ice, exchange e-mails, then ask for the home phone number and a 45-minute date at Starbucks. Of course you can't completely gauge a woman's Interest Level over a computer, but to you Psych majors, the more detailed her responses are to your e-mails, the easier she makes it for you to contact her in person. And the more questions she asks you, you can bet her Interest Level is clinically alive. Remember: Some women will meet a guy for coffee. When she walks in the door, you'll witness her female presence in the flesh. Then you'll sit down with her for a chat, and it'll be easy to assess whether she likes you or thinks you're the worst thing since Osama Bin Laden. When it comes to being completely prepared before going onto the battlefield, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "Amen, Bro!". Remember, guys: If you don't go packing, you can't go off to war.

Flipping Over Rejection Dear Doc, I am writing in desperation. I bought "The System" a while back and successfully landed the woman of my dreams. When I first met Antonia, I wasn't that into her but there were a few things that I loved about her. We went out for two-and-a-half years, and she expressed many times that she wanted to marry me, but I kept blowing off the idea of marriage. I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I did know, however, that she would make a great wife. Recently, Antonia unexpectedly dumped me. For the first week after it happened, I was okay. But when I saw her on an online dating service I lost it. It finally dawned on me that this breakup was real. I flipped out and called her at 2:30 a.m. She said that she joined the online dating service to prove to herself that she wasn't ready to date yet, and that when she got an email from someone, it made her so sick to her stomach that she almost threw up. I believe that she was speaking with true conviction.

give her space?

The next day, I called her again and she got irritated and said she needed space. I tried emailing her, but she wrote back and said not to e-mail her anymore. Her exact words were, "What I need is time. How much time, I don't know." This led me to believe that there is hope for us to get back together. I e-mailed her again and told her how much I love her and want to marry her. A week went by and I noticed that she was still a member of the online dating service, but her picture had been changed. The new one made her look sexier. I lost it again and called her. She said she tried to take the picture off but couldn't. She also said she's so angry with me that she can't stand to be in the same room with me, and that when she got the e-mail about my wanting to marry her, she cried all day.

popping the big question Doc, I want to bring a ring over to Antonia's house, get down on one knee and propose to her. I love her to death and I want to marry her. I feel that Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget me. I can't eat or sleep, and I've lost 10 pounds. I realize that I have ruined the best thing in the world and I don't know what to do. I need to prove to Antonia that I am a changed man, but she won't speak to me, although I do think that she still loves me. I know this isn't much to go on, but any advice would be appreciated. After two-and-a-half years, I am not sure if the principles of "The System" apply here. Marty - who hopes he can turn it around

doc love's answer Hi Marty, What do you mean you weren't "that into" Antonia? Why was that? You've got problems right out of the gate here. You're talking about marriage to the girl of your dreams, and you weren't that interested in her? It's a contradiction in terms. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "You're worse than those babes when they talk Womanese!" Take rejection like a man...

a complete waste of time If you weren't in love with Antonia, why the heck were you wasting your time with her? It's not that your Interest Level was low, man -- you actually didn't have an Interest Level.

Antonia wouldn't make you a great wife because, after a while, she'd realize that the man she married wasn't in love with her. But don't worry about her. I'm sure she'll make a great wife -for somebody else. To you Psych majors, when you get dumped it's always unexpected. The guy never sees it coming. He doesn't have a clue. Well, then you went and "flipped out" and called the poor girl at 2:30 in the morning. Why didn't you make it 4 a.m. and get her really riled up so she never spoke to you again? I see that you're really practicing "The System"'s premier virtues of Self-Control and Discipline here, guy.

excuses, excuses... Hmm, Antonia joined an online dating service to prove she wasn't ready for dating and you bought her excuse. Now just listen to that impeccable line of logic she served up: The reason she joined an online dating service was to prove she's not ready for dating. Huh? Did I miss something here? The statement makes no sense whatsoever and contradicts itself. And you were so gullible, Marty, so desperate for love, that you bought it. But, she goes on to explain the experience was so nauseating it made her want to barf. Okay, so there are jerks on the Internet, and there are psycho women on the Internet, too. This is what I call a "camouflage" tactic. Antonia's not talking about anything that has to do with you and her and, yet, she's trying to make it appear that way. Of course, she was speaking with true conviction -- there are creeps on the Internet. But you're trying to infer somehow that her bad experience makes your situation better. The bad news is that her meeting a sleazoid on the Web doesn't raise her Interest Level in you. It's too late for that.

accepting the end Antonia doesn't need a little time away from you, Marty -- she needs an Eternity. She tells you to disappear, and what do you go and do? Like 90% of the guys out there you think with your EGO, you think with your high Interest Level and you think with your Pride. And guess what? You're going to lower her Interest Level even more by your out-of-control actions. Instead of protesting that she needs space, Antonia should have said she was going off to Australia to get married and live in the Outback. Maybe you'd get the drift then. Like my cousin Doctor Freud says, "What's this little girl have to say before you finally get the hint?" But as always, guys, if you don't want to get hurt, lead with your chin! Stop those 2 a.m. phone calls...

Nevertheless, you insist there's hope for the two of you to get back together. Sure, there is. And Saddam's going to reclaim the presidency of Iraq, too. You're the kind of guy who probably goes out to his backyard and tries to shoot the moon with a BB gun. I got news for you -- your odds of pulling that off would be better than getting Antonia back. But you went ahead and told her you wanted to marry her. Great! You want to marry a girl who wants space and time. Makes perfectly good sense to me!

move on, man! The incident of the second photo on the online dating service is another side issue, a smokescreen. You're getting sidetracked on nothing that counts, Marty. It's got nothing to do with anything, except to drive you even crazier now that you don't have Antonia anymore. You should have noticed how sexy she was about two-and-a-half years ago. Now she can't stand to be in the same room with you. Hey, that's exactly the kind of girl you want to marry! Know why she cried? It was from joy because she was so ecstatic that she didn't marry you! But like 90% of all men, you clutch at straws. If you think you hear one half-promising word in 10 minutes of being put down, you say "Ah-ha! I can tell she's just hiding her Interest Level!" Marty, you only want to marry Antonia now because she rejected you. Her rebuff doubled your low Interest Level. Rejection is the ultimate challenge. Now you can't see straight. You went out with this girl for two-and-a-half years and you didn't even like her. Now you're ready to give her a ring? Are you sure you read "The System"?

she doesn't like you Of course Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget you. She's a good-looking girl - there are probably 10 guys chasing after her. But so what? They can't knock down her Interest Level in you. Only you can -- by calling her and crying in the middle of the night. Yeah, it sounds to me like Antonia digs you a lot, Marty. She must, judging from the way she tells you to get lost. And don't worry about what you gave me to go on -- it's more than enough. The principles of "The System" apply here, dude, but you didn't use them, and that's your problem. Remember, guys: Once she uses the word "space," you're dead in the water.

Do You Let Women Use You?

Hey Doc, I always read your articles and plan to buy "The System." Right now, however, I have a unique problem and can't find a similar situation among my friends or in your literature. I went through a very hard time in my marriage, and stuck it out for 10 years before realizing it was going to kill me if I stayed. I am a doctor, and have never considered having an affair. At the end of my marriage, I became good friends with a nurse, Mona, who was also getting a divorce. We were supportive of each other, and agreed to keep it on a platonic level. But when I made the decision to proceed with my divorce, she confessed she loved me, and I also had to admit I had very strong feelings toward her, and we looked forward to the day when we could have a romantic relationship.

final stages of divorce During the final stages of the divorce, we began dating and exhibited couple-type behavior -hugging, kissing and holding hands. Then, all of a sudden, she stopped returning calls. The few times I was able to talk to her she was vague and distant and finally said that she wanted space. She let me know that she felt like she was "the other woman" and that she didn't want to feel that my divorce was because of her. I know that this was very distressing to her because her husband had cheated on her constantly, and for her to feel the stigma of being the other woman really affected her. I did what most men mistakenly do -- gave presents, begged her to talk, sent her long love letters. I even fooled myself into thinking that she just wanted to keep a distance until the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

other woman has another man But then I found out that she started seeing someone else. She claimed she still loved me, though. Initially I reacted with anger, but after several days I cooled down enough to let her know that we had meant a lot to each other and if she wanted to try and salvage our friendship, I would be willing to talk to her. I didn't hear from her for two months, and since I needed some sort of closure, I e-mailed her to tell her to stay away from me and not contact me anymore. Well, she answered me, and we started talking again and became friends again. We talk on the phone for a couple hours every day now, and when we're together we hold hands and cuddle. She will not kiss or have any intimacy beyond this and still says that she

only wants friendship. I am getting very mixed signals, and have never heard of a woman doing these things and only wanting to be friends. She's not interested in seeing anyone else, and I am the only "man" in her life right now. Doc, I don't know whether to hang in and hope that things will change or take the approach of acting disinterested to see if this will perk up her Interest Level and make her realize that I am a good catch. I really love this woman, but don't like what I have now and am very frustrated. I certainly don't want to ruin any chance of a relationship with Mona if I can help it. I know that, as of right now, I do not have that relationship, but Mona is clearly showing interest and getting something from the coziness we have now. I am very confused and feel powerless. Your advice would be helpful. Drew - who needs to break the impasse

doc love's answer Hi Drew, First of all, I want to commend you for staying in your marriage for as long as you did. When it was all over you wanted to say, "I was going for 'forever' like I promised at the altar. I did my best to make the long haul, and I didn't just say 'I do' to fool around with this girl for 10 years." But like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Some women can kill you without a knife." You were both on the rebound, she lost interest fast, but you were a sucker... When you hooked up with Mona, you should have realized right off the bat that you were dealing with two people who were seriously on the rebound and not really available. It was like throwing Jennifer Aniston together with Kenny Chesney. In other words, you had all the ingredients for disaster. What the heck were you thinking, man?

never get too serious Why were you getting all heavy with a woman who was still married? I tell you guys not to talk serious when they're available. Mona's still legally hitched and you're blabbing about the future? You should have been putting on a clown show, not a "psychology today" seminar. You would have been better off disappearing instead of yakking about how you're going to get re-hitched the minute you're free of your wife.

But you went ahead and engaged in "couple-type" behavior anyway. Like 90% of the men out there, you had to go rushing in like a bull in a china shop. The problem is that you, like everybody else, think only in the short term. Nobody thinks long term. And that's what "The System" is all about. Mona stopped returning your calls? Drew, I'm positively shocked! Women never do that! They're not known for inconsistent behavior! We got one for the Guinness Book of Records here! Are you sure this really happened? She was vague and distant and wanted her space? Boy, you got all the luck. You just got rid of one hellcat, and the second one's beating up on you before you're even out of the cage. One drove you nuts, and you already have another one trying to do the same thing. Any normal human being would throw in the towel.

she lost interest buddy So, Mona doesn't want to feel like the other woman, huh? Like I've told you guys before, they always give you the second reason why they're cutting you loose. Remember when the bornagain Christian Jane Fonda said, "I can't live with an atheist" when she split with "Mister Moneybags" Ted Turner? I'll bet you anything she wasn't so religious when she had 99% Interest Level in old Ted. Know what's great about most women? They love to concoct a darned good back-up story instead of the real deal. They always come up with wonderful, inventive whoppers that don't have anything to do with you. Drew, if you knew that giving presents and sending mushy letters was wrong, why in the world did you do it? That was your fault. It was Mona's fault that she didn't tell you she was waiting for the ink to dry on your divorce papers. What does that say about her? You went from your wife to this manipulative drama queen...

another woman fooled you Now, can you believe Mona started seeing someone else? I can't. Again, I'm totally shocked. But Drew, seriously, how much more of a beating do you have to take, how much more screwing around with your head do you have to endure, how many more lies do you have to hear before you get past your ego and see reality? But, you insist -- despite all evidence to the contrary - that Mona still loves you. Like my cousin, Fast Eddie Love, would say, "Dude, she's lying through her teeth." The sad part is that you want to believe her. And you're a doctor? I hope I never find myself in your emergency room -- I'll probably end up with a scalpel in my stomach when I come out of the anesthesia. Why are you checking in with this woman? You're married, she's married, and she's seeing

another man. When you were talking to her on the phone, were you on your knees or were you just lying on your stomach?

you wanted her attention You weren't really after closure, Drew. Closure is when you walk away and never look back. But at least you grew a teeny bit of a backbone -- until you and Mona became friends again. What you really mean is that you caved in, you weakling. Now you two are chatting on the phone a couple of hours every day. Is that all? Gee, you should talk longer than that. You know why Mona doesn't want more intimacy with you? Because she has to save it for her other boyfriend. Actually, you should ask her if she still kisses her husband. So there it is, buddy -- after all your groveling and begging, she's kissing two other guys and not you. That's just great. Mona doesn't want friendship either. You know what she really wants? She wants a divorce and she wants to be wrapped in her new boyfriend's arms. This woman is a user and a drama queen. Gosh, Drew, did you actually believe her when she said she didn't want to see anyone else? And that you're the only man in her life? What about her boyfriend and her husband? That sure sounds like a couple of others to me. And like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She just keeps you around because you don't give her no trouble."

it's time to cut all ties What do I think you should do now? I think you should throw more gold on the sinking ship. As Bill O'Reilly says, "You been drinking too much Kool-Aid!" Ruining a relationship between the two of you is not even a possibility because Mona's Interest Level is south of 50%. The reason she returned your call after two months is because she probably had a little argument with her boyfriend or maybe she dropped him. But it's your own fault that you're in this fix. Guys, until you have the paperwork in your hands, you shouldn't go starting anything. You call holding hands "coziness"? Not! Coziness is kissing, and you're not doing that. I hold hands with my grandmother. Remember, guys: If you don't memorize "The System," you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

Can You Deal With Beautiful Women? Hey Doc, I've been reading you for quite a while now (two to three years), but only lately started to realize that "The System" contains no false or optional statements. It really has helped me to not only understand relationships, but to develop a backbone for business. On with my situation. I met Allegra over the Internet. It was a quick chat (no photos), she left me her number, and I called after seven days and asked for a date. She accepted and the date went really well. I stood by "The System"'s principles, looked her in the eyes at all times (the fact that she's Beautiful helped) and guided her into talking about herself. I watched her Interest Level slowly rise. She started touching me, looked back into my eyes and asked me questions. I walked her home and didn't kiss her.

three's a crowd After five days, I called and ask her for another date -- during the week, of course. She accepted, but showed up with a girlfriend. After 10 minutes, a boyfriend joined the "date." After another 10 minutes, I excused myself and left. The strange thing was that while I was there, Allegra gave me a lot of signals, including mentioning to her girlfriend that she's single and wants to change that. Two days later, I got a phone message from Allegra in which she said she felt sorry the date didn't go as planned. After three days, I called her and asked for another date, not mentioning what happened. She refused the suggested date, but quickly counter-offered with a date for a stage play. Halfway through the date, I leaned over and kissed her. She kissed me back. I gauged her Interest Level to be over 80%, just how "The System" taught me to. So, I feel that I righted the ship after that disastrous second date.

no lovin' after 7 p.m. The problem, Doc, is that her parents have some strict rules. She's 19 and a student. I'm 22, also a student and working. She has to be home before 7 p.m. and I barely get out of work by nine. This makes dating during weekdays impossible. I actually had to skip a conference call to meet her today, but she doesn't know this. Doc, Allegra has Integrity (she never seems to have lied to me), Flexibility (we get along fine and she has a nice Attitude) and Giving. For instance, she smokes and I don't. She asked me if kissing a girl who just smoked is unpleasant for me. I said yes and she immediately put the cigarette back in the pack.

This girl really has potential, but I'm just not able to cope with the weekend-only dating rule. Perhaps meeting her parents would help? Any advice, Doc? Ira - who feels hampered by the techniques that helped him

doc love's answer Hi Ira, For eight years, I taught seminars in Los Angeles. Lots of guys who own their own businesses have called me back over the years to tell me how well the principles of "The System" carry over into their business and professional lives. But I don't think it's just a matter of "carrying over." I believe that a universal truth is involved in my techniques, and that's why they work. Here's the problem with beautiful girls...

you did good buddy Now let me get this straight -- you and Allegra didn't even see photos of each other and you got together for a date? She didn't even know what you looked like and here she was giving you her number? Wasn't that all a little too fast? Wasn't that a little dangerous, with all the wackos running around out there? Didn't Allegra ever hear of Ted Bundy? That aside, I have to say that you acted perfectly on your first date. So far, you get an "A." And if Allegra's as much of a knockout as you say she is, it doesn't surprise me in the least that she warmed to the task of talking about herself. When it comes to the Beautiful Woman, it's always all about her, isn't it? And that's your problem in a nutshell, but we'll get into that in a second.

beautiful girls make their own rules Then she showed up on your second date with a girlfriend. Uh-oh. Huge problem. Massive problem. The first thing that occurs to me is that this girl's a control freak. But hey, maybe she just wanted to have her girlfriend along for the ride. So, what the heck -- you don't mind, right, Ira? Allegra's 19, she's got long, gorgeous legs like Elle MacPherson, bee-stung lips like Angelina Jolie, and a butt like J.Lo, and she doesn't need makeup. In other words, she's a total fox. So what's the problem with bringing her friend along? Why doesn't she have a perfect right to change the rules of the date? Why not throw you a wicked curveball? You'll be back, right, Ira? Every other guy has been, ever since she was 12. But, you protest, she sent you some vague "signals" on that wonderful date. Let me ask you something: Why are you and most of the other men out there just dying to kiss and make up with these hotties -- and after she slights you, puts you down, changes the rules of the date?

Like Dr. Freud once said: "When it comes to Beauty, oh, how men love to be tortured!" To you Psych majors, when she acts like this, it's a major red flag -- not a tiny red flag. This girl is inconsiderate. She has no manners. She has no breeding. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says: "Other than that, she's great!"

calling her back is a no-no Ira, you can't really mean you actually called this little hussy three days after she dissed you. With the way she insulted you, it should have been two weeks -- if ever! (But you're not strong enough for that.) And when you talked to her, you should have mentioned what happened on your second date. Know what you should have asked Allegra? "By the way, how many more people are going to show up on our next date? Are you bringing your grandma along too this time?" But, apparently, that wasn't enough wimping around for you. You leaned over and kissed her in the middle of the show. Mistake! This girl's on serious probation and you're fawning and slobbering over her in a theater? But her Interest Level -- according to you -- is over 80%. Sure it is, pal. So, why is she hauling all of her friends along on your dates? You guys kill me. To you Psych majors (again), when a girl pulls a stunt like that, her Interest Level is more like 51%. Are you sure you read "The System"? Mom and dad ain't your problem...

ma and pa ain't the problem Why are you talking about setting things right with Allegra? Your second date was a disaster because she threw you a slider. You didn't do anything wrong -- she did! Guy, Allegra's parents have nothing to do with any of this. They're eighteenth on the list of what's wrong. You're giving Allegra a pass on the first 17. She's your problem, Ira -- not ma and pa. Here's what you do: If you're insistent on letting Allegra toy with your head, take her out in the afternoon on one of your days off. Ask her out for noon and have her home by 5:30. Better yet, try the morning. If you do that, maybe all her friends will be in class and won't be able to join you.

she's no giver How can you say Allegra has even an ounce of Integrity? She broke the rules of the dating contract! When a girl accepts a date with a guy, unless she clears it with him first, she doesn't

bring anybody else along. It's a hard and fast rule. Flexible? Hell, no. She's as structured as a brick wall. Giving? I don't think so. She's so selfish, she brings all her buddies on your dates. She's a real Giver, all right. Maybe by "giving," you mean she's giving you a hard time. Oh, but then there's her incredible consideration in not lighting up once when you were with her. But she didn't give smoking up, did she? Sure she's got potential -- she's got the potential for developing lung cancer when she's 59 from smoking two packs a day for 40 years. What does this girl have to do, Ira, burn your house down before you get the drift?

fawning over fresh meat It never ceases to amaze me how you guys will rationalize for a hot babe. When you like a woman, especially when she's 19 and a looker, it's incredible what you'll overlook, what she can get away with. It stupefies me. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says: "It ain't no wonder you got troubles with women." Finally, what have I told you guys again and again about dating 18 to 22 year olds? Look at the stuff this one's pulling. At that age, they're ditzy. They fall in and out of love every five minutes. Remember, guys: If you employ my techniques from "The System" correctly, you'll never feel hampered.

Dating A Conservative Chick Hey Doc, I have been a follower of your techniques for two years now and "The System" has become a powerful part of my dating life. I have heard you say that on many occasions guys look to you for coaching when it's already too late. They don't recognize the red flags in their relationships, and by that time, the woman's Interest Level has dropped below 50% and they are history.

the beginning went smoothly I'm writing to get your opinion on my relationship with a woman by the name of Salma. She is a 23-year-old, good-looking, first-generation, American-born woman of Jordanian extraction. (I know that's a mouthful, but I want you to have as many details as possible.) She recently graduated with an accounting degree and is working at a nearby corporation. I met Salma at a volunteer workshop hosted at our college. The first two-and-a-half months went smoothly. I would call her, set up a date and we would not see or talk to each other until

the date. She was always energetic and bright and would constantly be touching and kissing me by the end of the date. Nine dates later, I gave her a rose in a gold box.

red flags? At seven months into this relationship, I'm continuing to keep my hands to myself and let Salma chase me. She pays for the occasional date. I have tried to steer clear of heavy subjects as much as I could during this time. I'm now trying to dissect what Salma's Attitude is made of. Here are some of the things I've noticed: 1. Salma likes to talk about guys hitting on her and trying to pick her up. I've remained cool when she does this and have switched the subject on occasion but have stopped short of asking her not to talk about it. 2. There is no intimacy between us. Being of a Catholic and conservative background, she wishes to wait until she is married. 3. She is of a different culture, which sometimes makes for a very different way of seeing things. 4. When challenged, she becomes stubborn and inflexible. 5. She lives with her parents, and there is an unwritten rule as to what time she must be home at night and what activities she can and cannot do. 6. She broke a date two weeks ago because she had to help her sister-in-law set up for a birthday party the next day. 7. When I schedule dates up to five days beforehand, she will call before we see each other to say hi. Doc, do you detect any red flags in her behavior that I should be truly concerned about? I'm stuck on Salma, but I don't want to overlook anything that's truly dangerous. Samuel -- who doesn't want to wake up when it's too late.

doc love's answer Hi Samuel, What you said about Interest Level was a mouthful. If a woman's Interest Level dips from 95% to 85%, the guy should immediately back off. But of course he doesn't see it that way. He finally gets the hint that something's wrong when her interest drops to somewhere between 55% to 65%, but by then he's already in more trouble than the Titanic when it met that

infamous iceberg. To you Psych majors, he always reads the signs too late. But through memorization of the principles of "The System", this can be prevented. Why you should tell her stories of a late-night romp with three lingerie models... It's good that Salma is gainfully employed. It means you have a self-reliant woman on your hands, Samuel, and not one of the worst species of female on earth -- the Gold Digger. And she's supposed to be energetic and bright and constantly touching you when you're together, so that's okay, too. If she springs for the occasional date, it means she's a Giver. She's not supposed to take care of half of the dates, but an occasional date is a very good sign. So far you're doing great, kid.

tell her you're irresistable Now let's take a look at your list. You're doing the right thing by switching the subject when Salma brings up how guys hit on her. But how often does she do it? Is it a constant theme, or was it broached only once or twice? When she lays this stuff on you, you should counter by telling her about the models who've been doing photo shoots outside your apartment, and can't resist coming in and asking to use the bathroom, then hanging around and having a glass of water with you. Then check out how she reacts. In other words, rather than ask a woman not to do something -- which all mankind should know is nothing but a waste of time -- just bring up how other women are always coming on to you and you don't do a thing to encourage it.

no sex is ok The problem of intimacy has a really simple solution, buddy. As long as both you and Salma are okay without it for the time being, that's all that matters. The rule is that the later you have sex, the better. You're not giving me enough specifics regarding where your girlfriend's exotic culture is a problem. But she's ultra-conservative, and that's good. With all the wild ones running around, you're better off with a girl who's not partying as hard as Tara Reid. It's good that Salma's folks restrict her activities and keep an eye on her. If you need uninhibited adventure, dude, go out with a topless dancer.

are you challenging her? Just how often does Salma become stubborn and inflexible? If she does it once every two or three months, you can live with it. But if she pulls that act every second or third date, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Boy, you got a problem!" And here's something else -- how are you challenging her? What is it you're trying to change about her? Could it be that you're prodding

her into an attitude? Again, I need more information, and you need to examine what you're doing. She broke the date? Then let her reschedule...

breaking the date But point number 6 is a different kettle of fish. You know my feelings on broken dates. It's not so much that Salma broke the date; it's how you responded to it that's the important thing. What you should have done was not called her, and forced her to ask you out. Because when a girl breaks a date, she's telling you she's too comfortable with you. She's saying she knows she owns you. If Salma knew in her heart that you were going to walk, she would have said to herself: "To hell with my sister-in-law!" But she knew she could get away with brushing you off, right, Sammy? She knew that you'd be waiting for her no matter what, because you can't resist the fact that she's a Salma Hayek look-alike, and even if she told you to jump off a bridge, you'd probably do it. Just how much of a follower of "The System" are you, my man? There's no problem with Salma calling you just to say hi. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It shows that you cross her mind at least once in a while." No, the red flag I'd be most concerned with is that Salma digs her sister-in-law more than she digs you. And she doesn't give a darn about the consequences because you're not a Challenge, she knows she's got you where she wants you, and so she can break a date without thinking twice.

where's your invite? So out of your seven items here, number 6 is the biggie. Did she break the date because she's not organized? Did it just come up out of the blue? If you'd said, "If you go to that birthday party, then we're not going out anymore," what would have happened? Some "threepercenters" (true tough guys) would have done just that. They would have said to Salma, "If you break a date, babe, don't ever call me again. We're kaput, finito. No woman ever pulls that crap on me." And they would stand by it. If you wanted to play hardball, you could have done that, too. And by the way, how come you weren't invited to her sister-in-law's party? Remember, guys: You have to learn to read her actions quicker and, more importantly, you can't rationalize what she does just because she's hot.

Dealing With Being Stood Up Hey Doc, I'm looking for some advice regarding whether or not I should give a woman a second chance to make a first impression after she stood me up on our very first date. I met Pamela on an online dating service. When I told (not asked) her that she should join me on Thursday evening at a local brewery and then come along to see a new exhibit at an art gallery, she said she loved the idea and the direct approach I used with her to set precise plans. (All of this was accomplished via e-mail; I was waiting to meet Pamela face to face before asking for her home telephone number.)

the make-up date A couple of days later, Pamela learned that she'd landed a prime apartment and would need to begin packing for the move to her new place. She asked if we could change our date to a week later, and I agreed to her counteroffer. To make a long story short, she was a no-show for the make-up date. I e-mailed her the next morning, told her how disappointed I was and that I am looking for a woman who demonstrates Integrity when it comes to keeping her commitments. A woman who truly possesses class and consideration would have either kept our commitment to meet, or let me know she wasn't interested. Here's what she wrote back: "Oh my god, I am so incredibly sorry! You know I just moved and everything is scattered this week. I have never stood up a human being in my entire life and would never intentionally do so. I cannot apologize enough, or stress enough how sincere my regrets are. If you can forgive me, I'd love to make it up to you."

my gut tells me to forget her Doc, intuitively, I'm done with this woman. Here are some key reasons why: 1- There is no specific reason given for her oversight, other than to say, "everything is scattered this week." 2- I'm assuming Pamela has an electronic paper trail of our communiqus sitting in her inbox that could easily act as a set of reminders for our date. 3- Pamela says she'd "love to make it up to me," but makes no commitment toward specifics or how she plans to do so. Wouldn't a woman of true class and consideration put some effort into helping me forgive her via a new set of date plans? 4- As you say, a woman with a high Interest Level doesn't forget a date with a man she's keenly interested in meeting, right? Doc, do I give Pamela a second chance?

Anderson - who would rather not get burned again

doc love's answer Let me ask you a question. Was the city working on sewers the day you got stood up by Pamela? Maybe they forgot to put up a "Men at Work" sign and the poor girl fell into an open manhole, thereby rendering her unable to make your date. Right. But the odds of that happening were better than a girl with high Interest Level breaking a date. She blew you off again? Here's what to do... When Pamela paid you a compliment on your date-planning ability, it was a red flag if I ever saw one. As the old saying goes, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." Some women will compliment you when they have low Interest Level. It's a purely off-the-cuff remark that has no basis in reality. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "She's softening you up for what she's going to pull on you later."

don't be too eager for her digits Going for her phone number when you were face to face with Pamela was certainly the right idea, except that you missed one crucial step, my friend -- you were supposed to do Starbucks with her first before dragging her out to paint the town. Anderson, you had no time in with this girl. Not even one second. You didn't meet her at a business convention and talk to her for 45 minutes over coffee, or go out to lunch with her before asking for the home phone number. You had nothing. Like my cousin General Love says, "You committed the fatal error of counting your chickens before they hatched." Now think about what happened next: Pamela would rather pack dusty old books in boxes than be with a man she's supposedly going to be in love with. She'd rather wrap up her kitchen utensils than spend time with the man she would want to be the father of her kids.

blown off a second time So now this girl has stood you up a second time. Let's set our egos aside if we can and ask ourselves a question. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love puts it, "Would a nice girl with high Interest Level screw me over twice?" After that humiliation, you needed to lash out, and so you jumped all over Pamela with your disappointment over her lack of Integrity. Anderson, if this girl had high Interest Level, it would have been okay to do that because it would have hurt her and she would then have had to think about changing her behavior. But this girl had already written you off. In fact, since you never went out with her, you weren't even in a position to get written off! You were

actually written off the second she said, "Sure, I'll meet you at the brewery!" There's absolutely no evidence whatsoever that Pamela ever once said to herself, "You know what, I can't wait to meet this guy!" Instead of telling her what you wanted in a woman, you'd have been better off taking a picture down and talking to the wall. Excuses, excuses, excuses...

learn womanese It's true that a woman of class would have kept her commitment to meet you, but you're wrong about the second part. A woman is the unlikeliest creature in the world to come right out and tell you the truth: that she has no interest at all in going out with you. Even if Pamela had a big mess on her hands with this move, if she had one iota of real interest in you, she would have been thinking to herself, "Boy, I can't wait until Thursday night to get together with Anderson!" Then she wrote you that heartfelt e-mail apologizing for her misdeeds. But sadly, that's where the Womanese comes in. When she protested that she "never stood up a human being" in her entire life, what she really meant was "this week!" Here's what Pamela was supposed to have said to end this debacle: "Anderson, I'll tell you what. Here's my address. Here's my cell, business and home phone numbers. I want you to come over to my apartment a week from Wednesday. You tell me what kind of dinner you like most and I'll cook it for you because I want to prove to you that I'm not the kind of girl who breaks dates." But she didn't.

you've got the right idea Now, on to your reasons for deleting her e-mail address from your computer forever. On number 1, you're dead on. "Everything is scattered" is not a specific enough excuse. I'm impressed with your reasoning here, Anderson. You're a little off-base on number 2, with the electronic paper trail. I get so much e-mail that I have no choice but to get rid of it. Maybe that's what Pamela did. On number 3, you hit it right on the nose, baby. Bingo. Pamela should have come back with a solid plan to make up for dissing you not once, but twice. Right there you get an "A." But here's the thing: A woman of class and consideration would have kept the first date. You just found out a little later rather than sooner that you got all wound up over nothing. On number 4, you're really way off base. How could Pamela have high Interest Level in you? You didn't pass the Physical Attraction Test, Anderson. She only saw your photo on an online

dating service. And we all know how pictures can lie. Should you give Pamela a second chance? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Boy, do you know how many guys she does this to?" There's your answer. You figure it out. Remember, guys: Until you have a few dates under your belt, you're not even in the game.

Toughing Out Tradition Doc, I've read "The System" and I agree with your principles. I salute you and I'm very grateful for the knowledge you are imparting to us guys. Here's my problem: You've written that your techniques apply across the globe, but I'm starting to think twice. I'm a college student and live in the Philippines. In this country, we practice traditional Christian courting. This has been ingrained in us since 1600 A.D. We call this mating dance "ligaw." Women here are half-traditional and half-liberated. Normally in "ligaw," the man befriends the girl first. It's so useless. Worse, it's anti-Challenge.

man as stooge In this culture, we become stooges for the woman, Doc. We carry her bag and open doors for her. We offer to escort her home and, as always, we pay for the transportation. We mingle with her friends and often eat lunch with them. (Yup, it's like a group date. I know that "The System" tells us to isolate the girl from her group so that we can go one on one, but it's different here.) Then there are the mushy and romantic text messages that we have to send her to make her feel we love her. We guys meet her parents early in this mating dance. Any dates we schedule have to go through them first, and it's their decision whether we can even take the girl out or not. This process may take two months and can stretch up to five months. Tradition is nothing but a waste of time! And during all this time, we can't be seen courting other ladies since that would mean infidelity. And Doc, news spreads faster here than a brushfire.

death to the mating dance At the end of this ordeal, you have to ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend. You see, Doc, in our tradition the power of the man in the mating dance is given up early. In contrast, America is an efficient country. There you can ask the girl up front for her home phone number and call her for a date. Here, if you call her and ask for a date, she'll decline. Why? Because if she accepts the date on just a call, she'll be branded a slut. Women here are expected to be shy and reserved. They don't go out with men on their own. That's why group

dates are one of the best shots we guys can take. We can't even kiss them after a date. A kiss is totally sacred and we guys are considered disrespectful if we try to go for that smooch. Doc, how can I short-circuit this morass tradition? I know I can't break it altogether, but I have to find a way to apply your techniques. I've been wracking my brain for days searching for applications of "The System" in my situation. Love Soldier reporting for duty, Doc! Carlos - who feels at a complete disadvantage

doc love's answer Hi Carlos, Thanks very much for the compliment. And don't worry. We're going to work this thing out. That's my job. And that's why you guys contact me from all over the world. And I really appreciate the time you took to write your letter. Get your groove on -- it's time for a traditional mating dance...

the history of dating So, your Filipino mating dance goes back over 400 hundred years. That's not so old, pal. Look at it this way -- "The System" goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. As far as "ligaw" is concerned, there's a way to attack it from within. What you're going to do is work on the liberated side of these babes. It's okay to befriend the girls you're interested in, Carlos. Doing that isn't at cross-purposes to my principles. In a minute, I'll show you how you're going to operate.

work it Of course tradition is anti-Challenge. But what you're going to do is deploy Challenge in the areas that are open to you. You won't be able to work it quite as much, but you'll work it nevertheless, as much as you're able to. And since it's such a powerful, basic element in the relations between men and women, giving her a portion of Challenge still separates you from everyone else around you, because they won't be using any Challenge at all. When you talk about being stooges for women, are you referring to the guys in the Philippines or the United States? Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "We got the same sickness over here, baby." But it's all right to carry bags and open doors for her. The important thing is whether or not she says "Thank you." Does she gaze into your eyes? Do they get real big when she sees you? Is she happy to be near you when you do these little things for her? Because if she doesn't, this is the last time you're carrying her bags or opening the door or

doing anything else for her. If she shows no gratitude or interest, this girl's a goner and you're quickly moving on to a new adventure. What you're doing is testing her by the standards of "The System" in your own culture. In this case, you're measuring her level of appreciation for you.

by all means, be a gentleman Carlos, you should see the girl home. You're a gentleman. You've got to be gallant. And you should pay her way, too. No matter where in the world a guy is, he has to show class at all times. Remember to keep watching those Cary Grant flicks. And you can find his movies in the Philippines, too. Now, if she has to go out with her friends, you have to go ahead and work with that. To you Psych majors, my principles work everywhere, and in every circumstance. They'd work in a prison cell. They'd work on the moon. Here's how to employ my techniques: When you're mingling with her and her friends, you have to gauge how much time she spends talking to you versus looking at and talking to other people around the table. Because if she pays more attention to the others than she does to you, that means she has low Interest Level. And that's how we'll work around the fact that you can't isolate her at first. Of course you can see other girls! Just sneak around... Dude, you don't have to send any mushy, romantic text messages. Get that out of your head right now. After you see her and she shows you strong buying signals, just send her an e-mail and say "Thank you for the very nice time. I hope you had the same." Hopefully she'll get back to you with "Of course I did! When are we getting together again?" And you'll say, "Talk to your friends and we'll all do it again." The point is that you're not afraid of anything, and you can handle whatever comes your way. The only thing that you're not going to put up with is low Interest Level.

dealing with the 'rents You're going to have to deal with moms and pops, Carlos. I want you to meet them because if you don't, they're potential blockers. So if you have to go through them to get to her, you'll do just that. If you can't duck them, you'll have to meet them head on, and the sooner the better because, in your country, her parents are just the first obstacles in the dating process. Don't invest all those months waiting the girl out, though. You've got to move it along faster, pal. And you're going to do that by reading her Interest Level. If she doesn't show a significant amount of interest, she's going to be history by the second date. And like I said, check out the attention she pays you when she's with her friends.

get your sneak on

You're concerned about being seen with other women? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "You're not sneaky enough, man, that's your problem." You've got to be a little bit of an operator so you don't end up wasting your time with only one who might turn out to be a dud. If I gave you a million bucks to meet a honey on the other side of town, could you do it? On the other hand, maybe you live in a small town, in which case your caution is understandable. All the more reason for going through these girls faster than water through a garden hose. If you tell her you want to meet her parents and she says you can't, it's "Nice talking to you - NEXT!" Buddy, you're NEVER going to ask her if she wants to be your girl. She's going to have to bring it up to YOU. You'll only ask her that question after she suggests it. Begging is counter to Challenge. You're not going to ask her out by phone. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "We wouldn't want her getting a bad reputation, would we?" Like I said, ask instead if you can meet mom and dad. And don't go for the smooch. That will come later, once she's hooked.

traditional tidbits Guys, when you're hamstrung by strict tradition, you're going to have to be extra shrewd. Wherever there's any wiggle room at all, use Challenge. But Carlos, you should have figured this out early on. You haven't got "The System" memorized. Go back and read it 10 times. Remember, guys: Like I've said so many times before, "The System" cuts across all cultural boundaries.

Can You Be Too Good Looking? Hey Doc, I'm a 24-year-old man who works as a personal trainer. I bought and read "The System" and I thought all my troubles with women were over. However, this is far from the case. In fact, I think that I had more success with women before I got your book. I'm a good-looking guy, which might be part of the problem. Do good-looking guys have to do anything different than average guys when it comes to dating? What exactly are the rules when women make comments on your looks? Not too long ago, a friend was telling me that girls don't like to have relationships with good-looking guys because they think the guys are more likely to cheat on them and that they're mostly interested in a one-night stand.

chased by cougars

In fact, I've had women approach me very aggressively at parties and try to take me into a back room. When I didn't give them what they were after, they wanted nothing to do with me. I'm not a one-night stand type of guy. To make matters worse, older women are always trying to pick me up and I always seem to have trouble with girls my own age. Another friend -- a woman -- told me that girls my age find me "intimidating." Rarely a day goes by when one of these "desperate housewives" doesn't hint at going out with me or even makes an overt sexual comment. Perhaps you could help me with that one?

initial interest was high Here's a specific example of my problems. I knew Shannon, who's around my age, from the gym, though I never asked her out. Recently, I went up to her, made small talk, then asked for her e-mail address. She wrote down her phone number as well and said, "Call me sometime next week." I waited six days to call, and when I did, she said, "Can you call me back later? I'm about to eat dinner with my family." I said, "This won't take long. I'm going to Dairy Queen on Sunday and would like you to join me." She said, "I'm working all weekend." There was no counteroffer.

interest level drops below freezing A few days later, I e-mailed her, saying that she seemed like a very busy person and asked when a good time to call her was. I never got a reply. That means that her Interest Level dropped below 50%. Now obviously, it was above 50% when she gave me her e-mail and number because she went out of her way to write them down. What caused her Interest Level to drop? I hardly said anything! Doc, I've followed "The System" as closely as I know how. Am I doing something wrong or is there something wrong with these girls? Alex - who's sick and tired of being frustrated

doc love's answer Hi Alex, I know you've got my book, but right there's your problem -- you bought it and only read it, and that's not enough. What have I told you guys again and again? In order for the principles to sink in, you have to commit them to memory. You have to log more library time, my friend. So are looks really Alex's problem?

looks aren't the problem Let's talk about this "problem" you have with your looks, and let's think about what you're saying. You start out pretty good with women, right? And you go out and get another book that makes you even better with women, right? But after you read the book, whatever mojo you had with the babes suddenly drops off. Maybe it's because what you were reading didn't sink in. Did you ever think about that? Now let's take a look at your next statement: "I've got a problem -- I'm a good-looking guy." Wow. Every other guy on the planet would kill to look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt (personally, I'd like to look like Cary Grant), so how the heck can that be a problem? Like Doctor Freud says, "Son, you're living in an alternate reality."

good-looking guys get the girls Alex, you're good looking. Out of 100 guys, you're in the top eight. How could you actually buy my book and maintain that being good-looking is a drawback? Sure, things are different for good-looking guys when it comes to dating. Like the Reality Factor points out, "They talk a lot less because they don't have to sell themselves as much." Want to know what you say when women comment on your movie-star looks? You say, "Thank you very much." You smile. You're a gentleman, remember? Be gracious. So, in your universe, girls don't like to date good-looking guys. Then how is it that goodlooking guys always have girls? It's a half-truth that women only want you stud muffins for one-night stands. And what do I tell you in the Dating Dictionary? Don't listen to half-truths. Alex, what book did you buy? I don't think it was mine.

use those looks Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "When they want to take you into a back room, pal, it proves you don't look like Danny DeVito." But you're not a one-night stand type of guy. Hey, why would you want anyone using and abusing that beautiful body of yours? It's true that you're probably a little intimidating to some girls because you're so good looking. It means they know that other good-looking girls are after you. "Kitty Kats Kompete," remember? Now I'm sure you didn't memorize my book! When you get a blatant come-on from an old lady, just quote my cousin Fast Eddie Love: "Thanks, but I'd prefer going out with your daughter."

e-mail error Well, it's good you didn't ask Shannon out right off the bat. You were able to figure out that you were going to see her all the time at the gym, so you didn't lose your Self-Control, move

in like a battering ram and try to close. But then your clear thinking crashed. Alex, why in the world didn't you go for Shannon's home phone number when you finally made your move? Why did you ask for the e-mail address? In my book, I only tell you 68 times to ask for the home phone number, and you go and ask for the e-mail. This is so basic, man. It's like walking up to a house, expecting to get in, but not pushing the doorbell! What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all? So what should Alex have done?

don't call right away When Shannon ordered you to call her next week, know what you should have done? Called her in two weeks to show her you have a backbone. But you don't, and that's why you didn't. That's okay. 90% of your brothers don't either. Blame it on Oprah. But hey -- you waited six whole days to pick up the phone. I'm shocked you held out that long! When she told you to call back after dinner, that was Womanese for "Why don't you call me back in about 39 years?". But then you hit on the idea for Dairy Queen, expecting to turn the tide. You were going to take Shannon to Dairy Queen? Dude, you gotta stop throwing your money around on these girls! If you're springing for dates like Dairy Queen, you better be the owner of the health club!

she just wasn't interested Guy, the second Shannon told you she'd rather eat than talk to you, you should have gotten out of there. You made a double fool out of yourself. What you don't get about Shannon's Interest Level was that it plummeted way back when. Alex, I hate to break this to you, but 40% of the women who give you their phone numbers have low Interest Level. Maybe Shannon prefers doctors to personal trainers. Or maybe that Dairy Queen offer was just too overwhelming for her to deal with and she couldn't think of what to wear. What caused Shannon's Interest Level to drop? I can't believe that you own my book. You might be able to bench press 350 pounds, but when it comes to common sense, you got problems. Following my techniques "the best you know how" is your biggest problem. 68 guys ask for the home phone number like I tell them to in my book, and here you are asking for an e-mail address. Have you checked your reading comprehension lately?

memorize the system

The younger girls aren't doing anything wrong. They're doing everything right by rejecting you. Get into that library every Sunday for four hours with your yellow marker and start highlighting and memorizing. The reason you're having problems with females, dude -- and I don't care if they're 18 or 58 -- is because you haven't got my book down cold. Remember, guys: Even if you're as gorgeous as the Gods can make you, you'll still talk yourself out of the deal if you don't understand.

When Women Don't Like You Hey Doc, I have a major problem in my life that I just can't seem to overcome. I think that you are the only person who can give me direction. I'm 21 and haven't had a single girlfriend in my life. In fact, I've had only four dates. And believe me, I don't look bad. I'm 6'2" and athletic, and I'm intelligent (I'm an economics major and have a 3.7 GPA). Doc, I've tried with about a dozen girls. I succeeded in going out with those four I mentioned, but eventually all of them lost interest.

reasons for rejection The reason why two of them rejected me was because I tried to kiss them a little inappropriately. (That's what they said.) The last girl I went out with, Diana, was really stunning. She also had an extremely nice personality. She was the first girl who agreed to go out with me a second time. Then I tried to kiss her, but the only thing I achieved to do was scare her. She did not agree to go out with me again. My failure with Diana made me think deeply about myself. I reached the following conclusions: 1- My looks aren't what's killing me. One of my dates rejected me for a guy about 6'4", 130 pounds. She looked bigger than him. 2- I'm introverted and shy. When I approach a girl, I feel anxiety, high blood pressure and embarrassment. On a recent date, the girl even saw and remarked on how my hand was trembling. I only have this anxiety when I'm with women I have romantic feelings for. 3- I'm a negative thinker. When I see a girl I like, I don't dare ask her out. This is simply because there is absolutely no reason that would make me believe that she's going to accept. If I do approach her, it would be with the inner attitude that I'm going to be rejected. I realize that this is a wrong way of thinking, but I simply can't force myself to think in a different

way. The feedback that I get from girls is negative. I would be very grateful if you gave your opinion about my problem. Dupree - who feels like killing himself

doc love's answer Hi Dupree, Sure, I can give you all the direction in the world, but are you going to do what I tell you? Or are you going to quit because it's too hard to get yourself together? Do you want to stay a loser, or are you going to make the commitment to do what it takes to turn yourself into a winner? Here are the real reasons why women lose interest... First of all, dude, I hate to tell you this, but lots of guys are in the same boat as you but they just won't admit it. The reason girls lose interest in you is because there's something physically wrong about you that you're leaving out of your letter, and/or you don't know how to talk to them. It's funny that two separate girls used the same word -- "inappropriate" -- about the way you smooched them. What the heck could you possibly be doing to them? I'd like to go into this in more detail with you, pal, but this column is G-rated.

bad kisser Nevertheless, it's a great sign that Diana agreed to go out with you a second time. With everyone else, you only got to the first date, and then you were history. But with Diana, you got a little further. Perhaps -- assuming she's not a Professional Dater -- you did some things right on that first date that got you to the second. If I were invisible and could have been beside you, I would have seen what you did right, or else figured out that Diana was a Professional Dater. And that's where the importance of memorizing my material comes in -it's like having me with you all the time. And you don't say in your letter whether you have the Dating Dictionary or not. You succeeded only in frightening Diana too, like you did the others, so I have to ask you this question: When you go to kiss a girl, do you go for her neck with your fangs out? Do you have long, stringy hair like Howard Stern after a shower? Guy, since I can't see your face, what I would do if I were you is find a close friend or relative and find out what's wrong with your mug, because first of all, we have to get past the issue of physical attractiveness. And if there's a problem, then you should undergo some cosmetic

surgery or take other steps to rectify it. Maybe you look like a male witch or something like that. (Of course, even weird looks haven't hurt guys like Howard Stern when it comes to women. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You ever see some of Marilyn Manson's girlfriends before he went and got married? Hubba-hubba!")

maybe you are ugly? Now, let's take a look at the conclusions you drew about yourself. We don't know for sure that your looks aren't killing you. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Hey, maybe you got a mole on the end of your nose the size of a turnip." And maybe that guy who was built like a string bean was a male model with a washboard stomach and a great face. Don't forget the immortal words of my cousin General Love: "Remember: When it comes to war, you can never have enough weapons. Soldier, on the dating battlefield, you can never be good-looking enough!" Maybe your personality's the problem? You should feel embarrassment, anxiety, high blood pressure and all the rest of it when you hit on a girl you don't know because you're going up to a complete stranger. So that's not abnormal in itself. But if you're introverted and shy, the first thing you need to do is grow a personality. You need to take speech classes and then give talks on "The System." You also need to go to improv class and learn how to be funny. And you have to keep improving yourself until you calm down when talking to people about my material and making them laugh with my material. Like I said before, pretty much every guy feels some sort of anxious discomfort when he's with a woman he likes. But if it's so bad you can't control your physical reactions and symptoms, you have to go and see someone who has a sheepskin on his wall. If the whole process is that painful for you, you should go and consult some type of professional counselor who can help you. On the other hand, I do know this: If you memorized "The System" and were able to get up and lecture on it in front of 100 people, one or two women in the audience would think you're cute and you'd be on your way.

change your attitude Your third point is the saddest of all. Do you know what you've done here? You've given up hope. To you Psych majors, as long as you're breathing and you can get to the door to ring the bell, there's hope. But you have to change your Attitude. You have to look at the fact that you're in good health and you live in the greatest country that ever existed with a standard of living higher than anywhere else in the world. That's what counts. Finally, you have to stop taking women to heart. Like Doctor Freud once said, "Your entire existence is wrapped up in whether or not they like you. That's nuts!"

Thinking that all females are going to reject you is a half-truth. Sure, the majority is going to reject you, but the majority of women reject most guys. But that doesn't mean you can't try. The feedback from women is negative for most guys. But the muddy water will clear as soon as you have the right education, which means you follow my strategies.

put the gun down My friend, I'm a coach, not a shrink. In your case, there is the possibility that you have some deep, deep problems -- no offense intended. Some of the things you talk about are borderline off the deep end. Those kinds of problems are not my area of expertise. So it's up to you to do what you need to do to get yourself straightened out. Dupree, unload the gun, put it back in the drawer, and you'll be okay when you get the proper help and memorize "The System". Remember, guys: The key to women is to not take them personally.

She Won't Leave Her Husband Hey Doc, I am a 38-year-old police captain. A little over a year ago, I started having an affair with the city clerk, who is 37. We were both married at the time. I know it was wrong, but it happened anyway. I wasn't happy at all with my marriage. For a long time, there was nothing between my wife and me, and she told me she wasn't happy either. Things between the city clerk -who I'll call Meg -- and me took off like a whirlwind. We fell in love. She claimed her husband has been unfaithful and controlling since they've been married and that she hasn't been happy in years.

the future seemed bright We promised one another that we would marry and "live happily ever after." It seemed like we had things all worked out and started dreaming and planning for the future. I divorced my wife and have completely dedicated myself to Meg. I do everything for this woman. I wait on her hand and foot. I buy her what she needs. I go out of my way for her mother and children. I can't think of any other way to show her I love her and how dedicated I am to our relationship. I suppose you can already guess what's coming next. Meg has not left her husband yet. She tells me she doesn't know why she can't leave him. She's always waiting for the right moment, or for him to cheat on her again or for just an easy way out to come along.

tired of hiding This is really beginning to wear me down. I have tried to explain to her how much it hurts to know she is with him and that they do things together. She seems sympathetic to my agony

and asks me not to give up on her, that she wants to be my wife and for us to have a life together. Having to sneak a kiss or a hug, ducking and dodging, and having to meet somewhere secret to be together is all new to me. I'm beginning to feel like I get the seconds only when her husband doesn't have time for her. Doc, have I been taken for a ride? Or should I give her the extra time she says she needs? What the heck's going on? Freddie -- who held up his end of the deal

doc love's answer Hi Freddie, What do mean this sordid affair just "happened?" Did this little girl put a gun to your head and make you kiss her? The fact is that each of you should have been off-limits to the other. Lots of people would say you shouldn't mess around at all until you're both divorced. Until the two of you are legally free, nothing starts. Freddie's in big trouble with Doc...

your vows mean something If there was nothing between you and your wife, maybe you should have started dating her again... did you think of that? Maybe you should have given her 110% of your time and effort, taken her out every Friday and Saturday night, and tried to fix what went wrong. Pretended a little. Faked it, until you two got it back on track. If your wife's Interest Level was hovering in the 51% range, you should have tried to fan the embers back to life. Until you did that, Freddie, you had no business getting divorced, and you shouldn't have been chasing other women. In the words of Brother Love, "Like half the guys in the world, the vows you took didn't mean a thing." Of course, things took off between you and Meg like a hurricane. To you Psych majors, forbidden fruit is always a temptation. As Rabbi Love puts it, "It's like when Eve coaxed Adam to take a bite of that juicy-looking apple -- and he did. Bad decision."

she makes you dumb Now think about this for a minute. If Meg hasn't been happy at home in years, then why hasn't she left? But you two still promised each other you'd live happily ever after together. Hold on a second here. Before you go any further, you gotta tell me what kind of hooch you been drinking. Freddie, this is unbelievable. And you know what amazes me most? You're one of the sharpest guys on the police force, right? You can smell a liar 10 miles away, you can expose a

fraud just by looking at him, and you can tell just from the way a guy walks that he's a dope dealer. But when it comes to the opposite sex, you don't have a clue. When Meg rubs up against you, you're as dumb as a wall and as helpless as a baby. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Man, this honey must have some set of wheels on her!" I'm sure you were dreaming and planning for the future, dude. But you didn't realize that Meg had her own secret agenda that you didn't know squat about. What you should have said to her was: "Call me when you're ready!" -- i.e. when you get the divorce papers finalized. Which is not to say that I approve of this whole mess, but I'm here to help guys in spite of their bad choices. If you have to do everything for Meg, why don't you just go out and get her a seeing-eye dog? Let me get this straight: You spend all your money buying the store for a woman who's not yours and who still sleeps with her husband? Is that what you're telling me here? Do you have rocks in your head, Freddie? Why should she leave him if she's got the both of you to boss around?

don't be her lapdog Do Meg's mother and children know that you're sneaking around with a married woman? What kind of family is this? It's pathetic that you bend over backwards doing whatever Meg wants -- except the most important thing, which is telling her "no." But after all this effort and strain, she still hasn't dumped her hubby and run straight into your arms. I'm shocked! I can't believe it! Hand me the Valium! Know what, Freddie? There's no need for Meg to leave her husband. Heck, why should she? She's going to bed with two turkeys! And you actually believe that as soon as her husband cheats -- which will be the 19th time he does it -- it will give her the impetus to leave. The other 18 weren't quite enough, is that it? Oh, that's rich. This girl's a great catch! You gotta love this Meg! And you do, Freddie, you most certainly do. I'd be jealous too if Meg and her turkey were doing things together. Hey, they're only husband and wife! When she promises you that she wants to get married and have a life with you, does she do it with a straight face? Or is she pinching her leg really hard and making it bleed while she's cooking your whopper?

you've been had Sneaking, ducking and dodging might be new territory for you, but it's an old hat for her. As General Love says, "Remember, she committed adultery with a whole platoon of other guys before she did it with you." If you were only second to her husband, I'd feel lucky if I were you!

Have you been taken for a ride? Well, Freddie, let me put it to you this way: You'd be a darned good choice for this year's Amtrak poster child. By all means, give her the extra time she needs. Tell her to take a 100 or even 150 years. Like I always tell you guys, you don't want to pressure the girl! Wanna know what's going on here, guy? Meg's playing you for a monkey. And pal, you never held up your end of your deal because you cheated on your wife and didn't give her another chance. Remember, guys: Until they're divorced, they're off limits.

Did Living Together Ruin Your Relationship? Hey Doc, Sofia and I have been engaged since August and we dated for almost two-and-a-half years before that. I'm 32 and she's 31. She was always a Flexible Giver, and I had more fun with her than with any other woman. I also treated her right, just like you said to in "The System". After about a year and a half, Sofia was ready for marriage. I eventually proposed to her on a fun trip to Cape Cod and we were both excited. We also decided we could move in together since we were engaged. This is where things got tough.

the feuding begins Since I was living in an apartment and Sofia had just bought a condo, it made sense for me to move in with her. The problem is that I had to fight to hang onto my own stuff and carve out some space for myself. Sofia was very settled, and I pointed out that it seemed more important for her to keep her stuff the way she wanted it rather than make me feel welcome. From that point, we've been in an argumentative rut. Sofia lived alone for six years, while I've always had a roommate. To boot, her stuff is thrown everywhere in the condo. I'm kind of an organizational freak, so this arrangement stresses me. Things finally came to a head a few weeks ago when we went shopping at the mall. We were walking along when, all of a sudden, my ex-girlfriend's sister walked up to say hi. I was kind of shocked to see her because I cut off all communication with my ex four years ago. Afterward, Sofia got really mad at me for not introducing her as my fianc?e. I tried to explain that I was caught off guard and wasn't thinking straight. I apologized, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Another big argument followed.

now i'm having second thoughts The next morning, Sofia said she felt foolish and apologized profusely. But through all of this Doc, my excitement to get married is greatly diminishing. Is this part of living together that I'd have to deal with anyway? (Many friends tell me it is.) Or do we have a real problem? I know you say a few arguments a year are okay, but we're having too many. It really bothers me that I'm not all pumped up for marriage anymore. I still love Sofia and I am willing to work on our problems. She can tell I'm more and more "out of it" lately and it makes her sad because she thinks we're on the rocks. I'm trying to be supportive of her, but I'm just numb from it all. I'd love some advice. Val - who's not even married yet, but already weary

doc love's answer Hi Val, Your first big mistake was asking Sofia to marry you. You may own "The System", but it's obvious you haven't actually read it. Because if you did, you'd know that in "The System," the woman always asks the man to get married. You got things backward, and that's why you're in trouble. You've got to be more of a Challenge. Guys: Challenge matters even when it comes to kissing. Wasn't she a slob before you moved in with her? Let me give you an example: The singer Pink met motocross racer Carey Hart at the 2001 X Games in Las Vegas and proposed to him in 2005. This is what's supposed to happen when her Interest Level is through the roof. And when it does happen that way, the guy and the girl are going to argue a lot less down the road.

set the ground rules first Now this is what I don't get, Val. I always tell you guys to look at a woman's Attitude, right? So you date Sofia for two-and-a-half years, and every time you go to her house, it looks like a pigsty. You notice it because you're like Jerry Seinfeld -- a "cootie freak." Then, all of a sudden, you move in with her without setting the ground rules first. What were you thinking, pal? Didn't you sit down with your squeeze and establish the boundaries first? What you should have done was hash out with Sofia exactly how you were going to carve up the territory. What's going to be your area? What's going to be her area? Who can go where and why? Which furniture are we going to keep? All that stuff should have been worked out beforehand. But, like most men, instead of controlling yourself, you rushed right in.

be ready for anything If you'd memorized "The System," buddy, you would have had the Doc Love edge -- the edge that comes from knowing the Dating Dictionary inside out -- when you ran into your ex's sister. And when you have that edge, you never get rattled, because you're ready for anything. In other words, you're like a paramedic: You're on duty 24 hours a day. And when that call comes in, you're able to deal effectively with whatever emergency awaits you. To you Psych majors, when you're with your girl, there are always going to be twists and turns in the road, and something tricky is always going to come up. That's your chance to dance, and show her how cool you are under pressure. Why didn't you think you might run into your ex or her family, Val? You're in the same town, so you were probably going to bump into someone eventually. As the Blackfoot proverb goes: "It's called the geography of the mall!" If you read my book, then why aren't you following my principles?

memorize my principles, man! If you knew my principles, you would have realized right off what Sofia's problem with that scenario was: Kitty Kats Kompete. How else do you expect her to react when faced with even a whiff of a potential rival? And when your girl ran into your ex's sister, you were supposed to be loyal. Loyalty dictates that you have to proudly announce that Sofia is your fianc?. You had to make it perfectly clear where the boundaries were. Going tongue-tied wasn't exactly taking a strong stand, buddy. But, then again, you didn't memorize "The System," did you? Nevertheless, Sofia apologized profusely anyway. Whoa! This is a big, big deal! A woman said she was sorry for throwing a hissy fit? Contact the Guinness Book of World Records -right now!

you know what your problem is? But seriously, Val, your problems all stem from the fact that you didn't handle this relationship the right way from the beginning. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says: "When it comes to tying the knot, the babe should always do the begging, otherwise you ain't nothin' but a chump." Second, you should have waited a lot longer to live in sin. Hey, man, you didn't really know the girl that well. You're telling me in one breath that she's a Flexible Giver, and in the next that she's fighting over territorial rights with the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with? She should be saying, "Honey, with you, I'd live in a tent!" Or as my other cousin Fast Eddie Love would put it: "I'd hate to see how she acts if she didn't like you!"

But in Sofia's defense, you're turning her off. You see her ex's sister and you're dumbstruck. Your behavior couldn't have gone over well in Sofia's eyes. Heck, when you run into your actual ex someday, you'll probably pass out. So if you turn a woman off, how can she have high Interest Level in you? What I would do if I were you is go find an apartment and continue to date Sofia. In other words, you have to start all over again. When you move out, she'll make space for your stuff the next time, I guarantee it. But you have to get out from under her nose and boost her Interest Level. Because right now it's not anywhere near the 90s. Remember, guys: The key to women is patience.

Passing The Parent Test Hey Doc, I'm a dedicated follower of "The System," but I seem to have encountered a situation I just can't read yet. Bridget and I are both 22. I asked for her phone number and she jotted down both her home and cell phone numbers without hesitation. I waited a week to call her and asked her out for a Wednesday. Bridget admitted that her parents were a bit strict and that she'd have to run it by them first. She called me the following day and told me that her parents wouldn't allow her to go out with me because they didn't know me just yet. She counter-offered to hang out at her house instead. It was a bit uncomfortable to meet her parents on a first date, but I figured it was some sort of test to see if I was truly interested in her or not.

a date with the 'rents Things went well that night. Her parents and I got along amazingly well. They offered me dinner, and I accepted and was a gentleman throughout the night. I figured that after I "proved" myself, I would be able to take Bridget out on a second date. I called five days later and asked Bridget out again, this time for a Thursday night. She accepted, but she said that she'd have to run my offer by her parents again. She called me the following day and said her parents still didn't know me well enough and that they would prefer we hang out at their house again or with her friends. She then invited me to a concert on Sunday, where her friends would be.

no alone time

Doc, I haven't been able to get this girl out on a date alone yet, and so I can't "interview" her. I'm pretty sure she has over 51% Interest Level in me, but it's difficult to gauge her actions and ask questions when her mom and dad are hovering around or when her friends are present. Should I stick with Bridget and hope she eventually gets "permission" to really go out? Or do you think she just wants to be friends? Henri - who's never had to face anything like this before

doc love's answer Hi Henri, When a girl jots down every number short of her Social Security for you, everything is just about perfect. So I'd say you were off to a darned good start with Bridget. I only wish you two were a little older. As it is, Bridget is on the outer age range of the "ditz" category, but maybe she's a mature 22 year old. We'll find out. She returned your call the next day? I'd say there's some Interest... Now, this babe is running stuff by her folks for one of two reasons -- because she has to or because she doesn't have to. And also because she has high Interest Level or because she doesn't have high Interest Level. What we're hoping for is that she comes from an ultraconservative family, because it means she hasn't dated most of the football or hockey team. So, if you're patient, this restriction can be a big positive in disguise.

sounds like a keeper to me Bridget returned your call the very next day? Dude -- how many women actually do that? One in eight? Awesome! Like my Brother Love down in Watts says, "We got Interest Level here, baby! Hallelujah!" When she told you her parents didn't know you yet, you should have asked, like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would, "Hey -- can I buy 'em off?" But when she came up with the counter-offer to hang out at her house, she was helping you out. What have I told you guys again and again? When a girl likes you, she helps you out. So she does appear to have high Interest Level. And it does seem legitimate that her parents are ultra-conservative. This is great -- maybe you've got what we call a sleeper here. It's uncomfortable anytime you meet strangers, but don't let having to deal with Bridget's folks rattle you. When you memorize "The System", nothing will ever bother you again when it comes to women. You'll be super confident because you'll know how to handle any situation you're ever confronted with. So what you do is shine your shoes and brush your teeth and

flash Bridget's folks a great big smile. Because like my cousin the Reverend Love says, "You gotta get the parents out of the way if you're going to get to Angel!"

here's how you pass the test... Sure you're facing a test, pal, but it's not Bridget's -- it's her parents'! So you've only got part of it right. And guy, look at it this way: They didn't throw you out, so you've passed the test so far. What's more, they asked you to break bread with them. That's a big deal to an ultraconservative family. How to make it through the test a winner... But don't forget, hanging around her house wasn't a date. A date is when you and Bridget are alone and nobody's around trying to block your relationship. So you've gotten way ahead of yourself, like most guys do. As my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Until all the eggs are broken, you can't tell how many chickies you got!" The second time around, you should have known you were going to have to pass the "Parent Test" again. But as long as Bridget returns your phone call, that's all that counts. So now you're stuck with her friends. Ideally, the rule is that we don't want any of those around. But since we still haven't removed the parents yet as blockers, at least when you go out with Bridget's friends, you're out of their sight. You're out in a public place with people who aren't her immediate family. Maybe after two or three of these "friends" dates, you'll get an "alone" date. Look at it this way: You're on the right track and you're getting there.

give it time Buddy, when you say you haven't taken Bridget out alone yet, you act like you've been chasing her for a year and a half. You're just getting warmed up here, man! You'll interview her down the road. The point is, she's giving you time. She's asking you out. She's making counter-offers. Hello, Mister Interest Level! So you'll take care of getting to know Bridget in depth when her mom and dad finally say, "Okay, you can go out alone with Henri now." It doesn't matter how long this process takes. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "You're going to be seeing girls on the side anyway, right, amigo?" Of course you should stick with Bridget. And no, she doesn't want to be just friends. This girl has Interest Level. But your problem is this: Like most guys out there, you want to rush and pressure. To you Psych majors, you've got to learn to slow it down. Remember, guys: Until the blockers are blocked, there's no moving forward.

Dissing The System Hey Doc, I bought your book, have diligently read your columns and have completely digested your philosophy. While "The System" does expose many truths about relationships, I have several questions. First, I must question the one-week waiting policy. I tried that method, as well as my own "call-the-girl-whenever-I-feel-like-it" method, and I have found no difference between the two. Recently, I called a girl I'd just met and successfully set up a date with her for later that night. We got very romantic and I'm still seeing her. I understand how waiting a week can be "playing hard to get," but it's my philosophy not to stoop to their level. I try to be upfront about what I want without resorting to playing games, and thus far, I have had no problems. Second, I have to criticize your aversion to anything sexual. How can you give relationship advice while skirting the issue of sexuality? Sexuality is a very large part of the reason why I want a relationship and I don't believe I'm alone on that point.

paying for women is so old fashioned My final complaint is on the topic of paying for women's meals and dates. This, to me, is the absolute worst thing a man can do! I don't pay for a woman... ever. I value my time spent with her, and if she doesn't feel the same way, she can go home. I should never have to pay to take a woman out. This is the age of equality, and there are no excuses for a man paying for anything. If a man pays for a woman's time, it is begging. I believe that a woman should be interested in me and not a free dinner. I feel very strongly about this point, and I have never had a problem after explaining to a woman how I feel. Believe it or not, most women are actually impressed or turned on by my attitude. I do not expect you to publish this letter, as it would be disastrous to your marketing/advertising efforts, but I would appreciate a reply. I used to recommend your philosophy to other frustrated guys, but I don't anymore. If you can explain to me why I'm wrong, I assure you I will resume doing it. Noah - who is beginning to see it differently

doc love's answer Hi Noah, You say you've completely digested my philosophy. But let me ask you a question: Are you sure you've completely memorized "The System"? Because if you did, you wouldn't have all

these questions! Once you've committed "The System" to memory, you've got all the answers you'll ever need when it comes to women. And they're the right answers. Doc believes you should wait a week to call her and he's stickin' to it...

give her a challenge Now, pal, I've interviewed thousands of women over the years, and when I tell them the guy should wait a week to call, why is it 90% of them go ballistic? Because being faced with Challenge for a change makes them sit up and take notice. Challenge gets under their skin. Most guys -- like you -- can't control themselves and are all over a babe if she gives them the time of day. And here's something else. Don't you see that you're kowtowing to a girl by coming on heavy and jumping right on the phone to her 10 minutes after you meet? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You got it backwards, cowboy!" Hey, don't get me wrong, Noah. I'm really happy you're not having any problems with any of the babes you're dating. But I'm really curious to know what kind of women they are. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Hey, man, are you cruising websites for females in the federal prison system?"

sex doesn't need high interest Let's move on to the topic of sexuality. Dude, I want to ask you another question. Does a married man whose wife's Interest Level is 100% ever have to talk about or angst over the subject of sex? Does this guy ever have any problems in that area? Is sex ever an issue for him in his relationship? The answer is NO. Again, you've got the cart before the horse. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Worry about whether she digs you, man. The other stuff will take care of itself." But something else is involved here. The Reality Factor says that women have sex with you when their Interest Level is 51% to 100%, but what most men don't understand is that some women have sex with you when their Interest Level is only 40% to 49%. And that's where the problems come in.

are you dating fat women? It's a half-truth that paying for a woman's dinner is the worst thing a man can do. If you do four to six dates with her and she doesn't want to spring for dessert, then you can be sure you don't have a Giver on your hands. So in that sense, I see your point. But not paying for a woman ever? You're going out with women and you're never going to pop for even a lousy cup of coffee? You're seeing lots of women, right, Noah? Well, the ones you're going out with must weigh at least 350 to 400 pounds, or you're the spitting image of Brad Pitt. To you Psych

majors, "This guy must be the drummer in the band!" Be classy, not cheap -- you've got to pay for her dinner... Saying that a woman can go home if she isn't completely knocked out by merely basking in your presence is another half-truth. Because you have to be doing something on these dates besides walking around the block. If you go bowling, you have to rent the shoes, right? If you go to the zoo, you have to pay admission to get in, don't you? Paying for a woman greases the relationship. In the mating dance, the male, at the beginning, goes for the bill. That's the way it is. So you're way off base here. I can't imagine what the women you're dating have going on between their ears. Maybe nothing?

wooing rules Let's face it: Not ever having to pay to take a woman out would be the ideal. But the Reality Factor says that the man opens his wallet. What's more, buddy, it's not begging to treat a woman; it's showing manners and class. I mean, can you imagine Cary Grant ever sticking her with the bill? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Are you sure they're not calling you tightwad behind your back?" That said, it's true that a lot of women are only interested in free meals. They're called Gold Diggers and Professional Daters. But if my techniques were completely burned into your brain cells, you'd be able to tell the difference between a girl you could buy dinner for and one you couldn't. So let me get this straight. You're actually telling me you say "What's your home phone number? And by the way, when we go out I don't pay for anything -- but I'm dying to see you!" Is that really your approach? Smooth, my friend, smooth. No wonder you're so popular! Can I ask you a question? Just how many tattoos do these girls have on their arms?

don't you worry about me, buddy Noah, don't you worry about my marketing/advertising efforts. I just sold four more books because of you. Now you said something very interesting at the end of your letter -- you referred to "other frustrated guys." Which means that you're frustrated, right? You just got through telling me that you get away with murder with all these honeys, which means that their Interest Level has to be 100%. So how is it you're frustrated? As Doctor Freud once said, "Something's not making sense here! You've even got me confused!" Remember, guys: You can lead an ass to water, but you can't make him drink.

Handling Her Guy Friends Hey Doc, I think "The System" is foolproof and provides a fascinating view into the constant chess game being played between the sexes. Here’s my situation. I’m 20 and I think I’ve found my soulmate. I don’t fall in love easy, but I can honestly say I’m in love with my girlfriend of six months, Shakira. She’s also 20, gorgeous, innocent, super-affectionate, and acts like one of the guys. I’ve been with many women and I’ve never been happier than I am with her. I am her first major beau. She’s confessed her love to me and talks a lot about marriage.

so here’s the problem Now, being one of the guys is great. I love it that Shakira isn’t a girly-girl. But the vast majority of her friends are guys, and that’s the problem. I have major trust issues with women. However, I do trust Shakira because I’ve tested her many times by showing up unexpectedly when she’s out with these guy friends. But this group of guys drives me up the wall. I believe they are shady characters and I’ve told Shakira that they aren’t to be trusted. I remember hanging out with hot chicks who had boyfriends just to try and woo them away, and I know for a fact that at least two of these guy friends have asked Shakira out before we started dating, another one tried to steal my girlfriend’s sister away from her husband and the other friend is her ex, whom I’ve already had words with because he made a very sorry attempt to try and get Shakira back while I was away at school. (She rebuffed him, by the way.)

guys and girls can’t be friends Guys don’t keep hot chicks around just to be friends (unless they’re gay). Since they’re shady, who knows what, given the opportunity, these guys might do? Our relationship now seems to be teetering on this one issue. I want Shakira to dump all of these losers. She makes it an issue by saying, “You can’t tell me who I can and cannot hang out with.” She thinks I was too rough on her ex when I confronted him, so she tries to keep me and the guy friends apart as much as possible because she thinks I’m going to bully them too. Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m frustrated because it looks like this one issue could dissolve this otherwise great relationship. How should I handle these shady friends that probably secretly love Shakira? Do I tell her to choose between them and me? Do I tell them politely to lay off? It seems however I try to work it out, it causes a fight. I’d appreciate your expert insight. Jermaine - who’s all out of ideas

doc love's answer Hi Jermaine, You’re dead right about the relations between the sexes being a tricky chess game because it involves strategies, tactics and maneuvering. And do you know why it’s like that? Because the Reality Factor says that romantic love is all about power -- or at least a big, big part of it is. You’re bashing her guy friends? Big mistake!

of course they’re asking her out! Naturally, all kinds of guys are pressuring Shakira to go out -- look at her, for God’s sake! She’s gorgeous! Why wouldn’t they ask her out? Your problem, Jermaine, is that you’re so insecure. But since Shakira’s Interest Level is in the 90s, there’s no reason for you to be so unconfident. So what’s wrong with you? Are you sure you’ve read "The System" ? You have to realize that guys are bird dogs, even your friends. To you Psych majors, they’re always going to try to steal your girl, especially when she looks like Beyonce. There are very few guys who’ll be loyal when it comes to your squeeze -- very, very few. They’ll always try and rip you off. But if Shakira has already told her ex to get lost, why are you telling him to get lost? As I said earlier, your little girl is 20 and hasn’t completely grown up yet. So let these other dudes show their true colors over the long haul, and if they don’t behave themselves and she goes for it, then you have to realize she prefers guys who’ve done a couple of years in Rikers Island over you. But not yet.

here’s what to do What should you do? Say, “Shakira -- you know, I was thinking about it, and I can’t tell you who to run around with. But if you want to see your guy pals, it’s fine with me. They’re not my cup of tea, but they’re good guys -- you go ahead and hang out with them.” And then keep your mouth shut and go talk to a shrink! Shakira’s 200% right that you can’t tell her who to hang out with. And you were too rough on her ex; she was on target on that one too. With every single thing you’re doing, man, you’re lowering Interest Level. You should be out having a beer with your rivals (without having Shakira along) and being their pal. Remember what Michael Corleone said in The Godfather: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”

quit it before she dumps you

Sadly, Jermaine, this one issue will end up dissolving your beautiful relationship unless you get a grip. And it’s your entire fault. Shakira’s a Beautiful Woman, she’s 20 years young, and I don’t care if it’s one guy or 50 guys, they’re always going to be hustling her because of her looks. You love her, right? Well, why wouldn’t they love her? Heck, I haven’t even met her and I love her! But she’s got 95% Interest Level in you, and that’s the one weapon you have in your arsenal. Don’t make her choose between you and them. Do nothing. Just put on a happy face and bite your tongue. And don’t order these characters to lay off because they’re not going to do it. They’re not going to pay any attention to you at all! You’re at the bottom of the totem pole in this game. Instead, go back to my book and learn to practice self-control, patience and discipline. Remember, guys: Unless it raises her Interest Level, she doesn’t want to hear it.

When She's A Pushover

MISSING PAGE

Timing The First Kiss Hey Doc, I’m 18 years old and I'm completely in love with Jenna. She’s gorgeous and in my senior high school class and we’ve been talking for more than a month now. You might find this hard to believe, but I’ve had dates with lots of girls before. Jenna’s only had one boyfriend before me. I know him and he’s a complete klutz. A few days ago, I invited Jenna to go to a movie that she wanted to see. Since we had some schedule confusion, she surprisingly called me to arrange the date and everything was set. After the movie was over, we ended up talking for half an hour until her mother called Jenna’s cell phone and said she was waiting for her in the parking lot. At that point, I gave her a gift -- a CD of her favorite band that she mentioned she wanted. She was ecstatic about my thoughtfulness and gave me a huge hug.

missed my chance Doc, at that moment I knew that I should kiss her, but I didn’t because everything happened

so fast. I knew that I’d missed an opportunity, and I’ve felt frustrated about it ever since. Jenna and I now have a date to go to a concert she wants to attend. I’m afraid the same thing is going to happen again: The moment to kiss her will come and go and again I won’t have done anything. The problem is that I don't know when I should give her a first kiss. She is very hard to catch, Doc. I believe that Jenna likes me, but sometimes I’m not really sure. Does that make sense? What do you think, Doc? I've never tried to kiss a hard-to-catch girl before. The other girls I went out with were easy to read, but not this one. I hope you can help me because I’m very interested in this girl, and I’m sure I’m not the only guy in this similar situation. Ronde - who’s a little mixed-up

doc love’s answer Hi Ronde, It’s just fabulous that you’re completely in love with Jenna. But never lose sight of the fact that there’s something much more important going on here. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “What are her feelings towards you, Junior?” Guys, it’s her Interest Level that counts, not yours. Why not let her lean in for the first kiss? Hey, I believe you’ve had dates with lots of girls, Ronde. But when you looked at them, they sort of just blended into the crowd. Jenna -- a double for Kate Beckinsale -- looks like she materialized straight off the cover of Elle magazine. And that means you have to be extra careful and really know what you’re doing or you’ll get eaten alive. Remember: No matter how sweet and innocent she appears, you’re still dealing with the most dangerous creature on the face of the planet. Leopards, jaguars, cheetahs, and tigers are beautiful to look at too.

the thing with jenna is… Sure, Jenna’s only had one boyfriend in her life -- and she’s rejected 2,000 others who’ve been coming on to her since she was 13. And by the way, Ronde, why would you want someone who digs klutzes? When Jenna called you to set up your date after all that schedule conflict and confusion, she was doing you a big favor. To you Psych majors, she cleaned up your mess. But once her mommy called her on her cell phone, you should have taken Jenna straight home. Remember: You don’t want to tick off her folks since you’re both still in high school.

Now let me get this straight. You presented Jenna with a gift on your very first date? Jeez, pal, why didn’t you just the buy her the engagement ring while you were shopping? I mean, why waste time?

on to the kiss Now, let’s get on to what’s really bugging you. Ronde, you’re wrong thinking that you have to kiss Jenna the minute you get within three feet of her. In fact, you shouldn’t have kissed her. You’re putting way too heavy a trip on yourself. Listen up: You’re not going to kiss this girl at all. This girl’s going to kiss you (assuming you stop making blunders!). So don’t feel frustrated, guy. Believe it or not, you did the right thing by not going for it. See, everybody tries to kiss this girl. You’ll just be one of a whole flock of turkeys if you force the issue. But you’re going to stand out because you’re different from the rest of her fans and worshippers. What should you do when her Interest is up? Why, be a Challenge, of course… So now you two are going to a concert. Hmm… I detect a pattern here. Jenna picks the concerts, she picks the movies and she picks the times you get together. What do you ever get to pick? As my cousin General Love once said, “Is she going to tell you when you can talk after you get married?” Or as Doctor Freud put it, “Sonny, are you trying to do a perfect impersonation of Wimpus Americanus?” Nevertheless, I still don’t want you to do anything when it comes to kissing. You’re doing just fine as you are. You’ll kiss this girl only after she begs you to kiss her.

be a challenge Jenna’s not hard to catch, dude. She’s coming right at you, in case you haven’t noticed. She cleans up your messes and you’re going out on a second date. So just keep smiling and showing her your teeth and your shiny shoes. And don’t forget to show her a little Challenge while you’re at it. You don’t want to be a doormat even before you say, “I do.” My friend, you’re not really sure Jenna digs you only because she’s so gorgeous and you don’t have any experience with a real woman. So of course it makes sense that you’re confused about whether or not she likes you -- especially considering the source! But seriously, it’s great that she’s not so easy to read. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It means she hasn’t been out with the rugby team.” Make no mistake, though -- every guy at school loves this girl. Even the tenth-graders love her. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “They say she’s old, but she’s a knockout!” Always remember that guys do the picking, but women do the choosing.

Remember, guys: You have to conserve yourself and not rush in; otherwise you’re going to lose her to another guy.

She Sends Mixed Signals

Hey Doc, I’ve read your columns for some time now and would like to thank you for your astute advice on handling women. Even though I try to practice "The System," I acknowledge that I still need improvement. The following scenario is a good example of this. While on a flight a few weeks back, I sat next to an attractive girl named Brianna. Before we parted ways, I asked for her phone number and waited seven days to call her. I called her on a Monday and told her that I wanted to take her out for drinks that Thursday and she agreed. On Wednesday, she committed the cardinal sin of dating: She broke the date using the excuse that her “friend” was in town. She then counter-offered, but weakly, by asking if I wanted to go out with her and her “friends.” I didn’t take the bait, but I still blundered by asking her to take time away from her friends on Sunday so I could take her out for lunch. She said that she would call back.

i thought i’d never see her again Realizing the serious mistake I made, I called her soon afterward and explained that I’d forgotten I’d made plans for Sunday and was busy the entire weekend. Thursday was my only available day. I could then hear her hesitating for a moment, and then she said, “We should reschedule,” but she didn’t give a specific day. I didn’t respond to her verbally, but in my mind I was thinking, “Yeah, right.” Over the next few days, I told myself I shouldn’t call this girl because she wasn’t interested in me. The words that kept haunting me, though, were “We should reschedule.” A little less than two weeks later, I decided to give it one last try. After calling two times and getting her answering machine, I left a short message giving the day and time I wanted to pick her up for dinner, my phone number, and nothing else. After two days without a reply, I promptly erased her number, expecting to never see her again. To my surprise, she called back and apologized for not calling sooner. She said she’d been feeling ill but was better now and would like to go out to dinner with me.

she’s sending mixed signals

We went out and had a good time. I kept the conversation light, my eyes on hers and made her laugh. At the end of the evening, I walked her to her place and stopped a few feet from the entrance like a gentleman. I decided not to kiss her that night, but now realize that I should have done so to gauge her true Interest Level. At this point, I’m unsure of what to do. Brianna is pretty, with a very upbeat and warm personality. I am interested in seeing her again, but I don’t know if I should pursue her. I think that her actions raise red flags and green flags at the same time. What do you think, Doc? Do you think she’s giving me mixed signals? If not, how should I pursue this girl? Brandon - who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going

doc love’s answer Hi Brandon, Thank you for having the confidence to ask your question. Most guys don’t have the guts to ask a question like yours, and it shows you’re open to a new experience and widening your horizons in the area of how women’s minds work when it comes to romantic relationships. But is she interested? Find out what Doc thinks…

she wouldn’t have broken the date It’s great that you waited seven days to call Brianna. You were right on schedule. But let me ask you a question: If this girl had high Interest Level in you, would she ever have broken that first date? Then, Brandon, ask yourself this question: Is there one guy in the world she wouldn’t have done that to? George Clooney, maybe? Or Orlando Bloom? The answer to that question is what the male ego can’t handle. Now let me make sure I understand you right. Brianna tells you she’s breaking your date, and what do you do? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You hand her a new whip so she can beat you some more!” You know to never do group dates, but you actually asked her out on top of a broken date? You’re not supposed to ask her out EVER AGAIN after a babe pulls that on you, and guy, you couldn’t wait! That said, at least you’re on the right path with "The System." Remember to place it by your bed, and read it every night for 10 minutes for the rest of your life. Any less than that, and you’re going to be making more boo-boos. Then Brianna tells you, “I’ll call you back.” And you believed her. Oh, Lord, Brandon. There isn’t a woman on the planet who hasn’t trotted out that whopper at one time or another. Like my oddsmaker pal in Vegas says, “I’ll give you a million to one it ain’t gonna happen!”

she wouldn’t have hesitated After you insisted on humiliating yourself and calling her again, she “hesitated.” That’s a very telling word. Do women who would take a bullet for the husbands they’re madly in love with ever hesitate? When a female prison guard springs some bad-ass dude who sweet-talked her, does she hesitate slipping him a weapon? What you should have asked Brianna was, “So what’s a good day for you?” To you Psych majors, then she’s got no wiggle room. You would have heard her go “duh…uh…uh…uh…uh….” Because you staggered her, just like Floyd Mayweather with a left hook. But you’ll get craftier the more you study my book. Brandon, you don’t argue with yourself over whether or not to call this girl. You throw her number away -- period. When she said, “We should reschedule,” she was just working your weak, deprived ego. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “She does it to all the guys she toys with.” “We should reschedule” is just a generality. Girls with low Interest Level toss out generalities that don’t mean anything. Girls with high Interest Level get specific: “No, but I can make it on Sunday at six!”

drop that phone So you wanted to give it one last try, huh? Let me ask you another question: How many lottery tickets did you buy last week? You called her again and left a message? What did I tell you guys about phones? You fellas just don’t get it. You want to rush in and make it worse by begging. By getting on your knees and crawling like a pathetic worm. What should he do? All this girl has to do is pick up the phone and she has you. But she can’t do it. Why? Because her Interest Level is below the Mason-Dixon line. So stop trying to think up excuses for her and quit trying to help her, for Pete’s sake. Look at it this way: Let’s say the girl’s Interest Level is 55% before you dial her digits. By actually calling her, you just pushed it down to 49%! Brandon, have you noticed that every time you ask this girl out, there’s some kind of catastrophe? First, there’s a friend coming in from the East. The next time you called, she couldn’t go out because when she heard your voice she wanted to throw up. (That’s how come she was ill.) When are you going to take the hint? When Brianna finally consented to go out with you, how many times did she touch your arm? Big, big mistake, not trying to kiss her. When you don’t know a babe’s Interest Level, you

have to go for it. You have to push the issue. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You want her to turn her head so you don’t have to waste your time on her anymore.”

her interest level is low But with everything that’s happened so far, you’re not talking about her Interest Level. What you want to know is this: What’s her Interest Level based on her actions? Here’s what I think of your situation. Brianna’s giving you mixed signals because she has low Interest Level. Wait for her to call you and ask you out. Meanwhile, hustle other women. Her Interest Level is around 40%. You’re just fill-in material, Brandon. She’s thinking to herself, “Oh! Thursday’s open….Let me call that stooge I can break dates with -- he doesn’t mind!” Like my cousin General Love says, “That’s the way the enemy thinks -- and that’s when she’s in a sweet, caring mood!” Remember, guys: When they screw around with your head, don’t rationalize, please.

She's Latching On Too Soon Hey Doc, First of all, thank you for all the great advice! I recently purchased your Dating Dictionary. "The System" has helped me more than I could ever have hoped and I hope you can help me out now. I’ve been strictly following your guidelines with the girls I date. Their Interest Levels have been 50% or higher, but when I succeed in getting past the first three dates, something happens. After about two months of dating them, they start saying, “I love you” or “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” This might sound great, but how can someone “love” you after just two months of knowing you? What’s worse is that they expect me to say “I love you” in return or to become further committed to them. At this point, I ask them not to date anyone else (they all agreed). To me, this is entirely different from what they expect: They e-mail or text me several times a day (expecting a response for every single message, of course), expect me to call them every single day, etc. However, I don’t acquiesce to their demands.

they want me to say the word I’ve told these girls the same thing, which is that a two-month “love” is still too fragile for me to blindly dive into something deeper and that I’m uncomfortable with all the smothering. By the way, I never let these discussions get heated (I keep it light and funny).

The result? They accuse me of being emotionally unavailable. They cry and try to convince me to say the “L” word. They accuse of me of being unfair. Finally, they start to give me advice, such as that with the next girl in my life, I shouldn’t come on “strong and heavy,” only to take it away from them after a few weeks. Finally, tired of all the drama, I break up with them. Or they break up with me (angry and hurt, of course -- or so they claim).

am i emotionally available? Doc, I don’t think I’m emotionally unavailable. I try to see my girl once a week and show her through my actions that I care and that I’m having a great time with her. So what am I doing wrong? Or am I under some curse and just meeting emotionally unhealthy women? I don’t know if it matters, but I’m a foreigner (I moved to the U.S. three years ago) and each one of these girls has been the all-American blonde. They’ve been single, which to me should translate into “very little baggage.” They’ve been all kinds of women, too, from teachers to doctors. Their ages range from the 20s to early 30s and I’m 32. I would like to continue dating a girl longer than two to three months, without her becoming too demanding or smothering me. Is that possible? Jiri - baffled by American girls

doc love’s answer Hi Jiri, I want to thank you very much for investing in your future. You arrived at the realization that when it comes to love, it’s a jungle out there and you need all the coaching you can get -that’s where I come in, of course. Make them pledge allegiance to you…

you got the right stuff Pal, these girls are leaning heavy on you because they are falling in love with you. So you’re looking at a positive development as a negative. As I’ve told you guys so many times, my techniques make you dangerous. Give me nine or 10 dates, two or three months and you'll see the results -- the numbers are there. Jiri, you get this strong response from women because you do almost everything right. You hit it right on the head: A woman can’t really love you after so short a time. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s in the ‘heat’ stage. Give her a little more time.” In the heat stage, she’s saying to you that as long as you keep doing everything right from here on out, she’ll stay with you for the rest of your life.

she’s dropping the "m" bomb When she starts hinting that the two of you were husband and wife in a previous incarnation, tell her: “The reason I dropped my last three girlfriends was because they pressured me. I think true love takes a long time to develop. I’m real happy that we both like each other so much, but we are only two-and-a-half months in. We have at least another 10 months to go. And as far as the "I love yous" go, let’s go down to the pet shop and we’ll get you one of those talking parrots.”

selling milk when she has the cow So Jiri, why in the world are you asking these girls not to date anyone else? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, why are you wasting time selling her when she’s already sold?” They should be telling you that they don’t want to date anyone else. Why are you giving them orders? Why ask a babe with 95% Interest Level to be faithful? Like Doctor Freud would say, “It’s repetitive redundancy!” When these girls start with the texting and phone calls, simply say: “Honey, it’s nice to hear from you, but save it for our next date.” Do not cave into their desire for you to respond. You might not be acquiescing to their demands, dude, but you’re taking this way too much to heart. To you Psych majors, never take women personally.

be a good listener Why are you talking heavy with these girls at all? Debating why you can’t plunge into a deep pool of love with them is way, way too much. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Just keep your mouth shut and go out with as many of them as you can!” Let them blab their guts out. You don’t have to come back with anything. Just sit there and smile, and when they’re done yakking, give them a kiss. It always works, I guarantee it. But you’re still not comfortable with all the smothering. You know what my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, don’t you? “Yo, dog, you better get used to it!” You’re using Challenge. THIS IS WHAT CHALLENGE DOES TO WOMEN. This is the whole idea of being a Challenge. Again, Psych majors, we want these girls blabbering on like this, telling us how much they love us even though they hardly know us. Avoid the heavy love conversations, but still give her some…

walking contradiction You might think you’re keeping it light and funny, man, but you’re not. You’re contradicting yourself. Entering into protracted debates about love and binding commitments on any serious level is not light and it’s not funny. When these girls accuse you of being emotionally unavailable, what you’re really hearing is a

manifestation of low Self-Esteem on their part. To you shrinks out there, excuse me for stealing your podium for a moment, but a clinically sane and emotionally balanced woman would just let the whole thing ride. She’d say to herself, “This guy’s a cool customer. It’s very attractive. I’m totally impressed.” But a woman with low Self-Esteem? Uh-uh. She’ll freak out. She hates Challenge and loves Control -- of you.

give her some love When a girl tries to get you to say the “L” word, ask her if you can say it just once a week. Tell her you want to take care of next month’s quota right now. She will ask, “What do you mean?” You answer: “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you! There, I’m all caught up - now let’s have some fun!” Jiri, you didn’t take anything away from these ladies. You were just being a Challenge. You were consistent. Their lectures and rants are just more Womanese. Don’t get rattled, my friend. You should be having fun with all this stuff, kidding and laughing about it with your girlfriends. You should be talking to them like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey would -- in a non-stop comedy routine. Parry her desperation like a master boxer and if you can’t stop her from going completely nuts, tell her: “Honey, listen, you’re going too fast for me too soon. You gotta slow it down, but we had a good run. Goodbye.”

little devils You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing everything right. You’re just going out with psycho beautiful women with a lot of little devils between their ears. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The fact that you’re foreign has nothing to do with any of this. You’re of the male gender -- that’s all that counts. Sure, you would think that the fact that they’re single would mean they have little or no baggage. Except for one little problem -- you know nothing about their childhoods! You’re sane and they’re not. And as far as their occupations go, like my cousin General Love puts it, “Just because a woman can sew a guy’s arm back on his body, it doesn’t mean she’s good for the long haul!”

fight the good fight So don’t sweat it, Jiri. You’ll date a girl for more than two or three months. You just haven’t found her yet. You have to learn to relax and enjoy the women you’re with. The women you’re dealing with now will teach you a lot about which ones to avoid in the future. If they get too demanding, take a walk. “Baby, you’re smothering me. Do me a favor -- call me in 60 days.” That’s what you say. Remember guys: There are nutcases in every country, not just America.

Dealing With Your Ex-Wife Hey Doc, My wife of five years, Cassia, and I recently separated, with plans for a divorce. We’ve had our ups and downs, mainly due to financial problems with neither of us budgeting well. We also have a 2-year-old daughter. About six months ago, I noticed something different about Cassia. She changed her clothing (more sexy), eye color (contacts) and hairstyle (again, more sexy). I thought nothing of it at first, but there was more distance between us. She wanted to go clubbing with her new female friend from work every weekend instead of being at home. Then I discovered text messages that I found out later were sent between her and an ex-boyfriend. She said they were just friends, but when I mentioned the messages, she reacted very angrily. She lied three different times about who this “other man” was, and now says she made it all up to make me angry.

not marriage material Now she says that when we met she thought she was marriage material, but she wasn’t in reality. She accused me of tricking her into marriage even though at the time I felt that she (along with her mother) pressured me. She says now that her true personality is one that only wants to date different guys. She also says she’s sorry she had to get married and have a child to realize this. Cassia moved out two weeks ago and I haven’t called her since. She has called me three or four times to “chat.” One of those calls was at 2 a.m. She said she was upset I hadn’t called to “check on her.” I said I didn’t think it was necessary because we agreed it was over between us. I think she gets frustrated because I act indifferent when she calls. She also asks if I’m seeing anyone and drills me about my personal life. I think she’s shocked because I have not come pleading or begging for her to come back. It may just be her ego making her call when she doesn’t hear from me. I have not once even asked about the other man, if there is one. Doc, am I being too indifferent to Cassia even though we have a daughter together? I know the fact that we have a child changes things because we have to speak to each other about her. Also, should I give the two of us another try in the future? Shel - who’s tempted to give it another go

doc love’s answer Hi Shel, I hate to break this to you, but your impending divorce isn’t completely on account of financial ineptitude. But you and Cassia are the typical Americans: You’re the folks who don’t save anything, you’re deep into credit-card debt to the tune of 18 to 25 grand, and you have to figure out a way to stay in love with each other. But when there’s no food on the table, Interest Level goes down. To you Psych majors, you have to very careful with your money.

She’s been talking to her ex? That’s never a good sign… At first, the vast majority of guys think nothing of the changes their women make right under their noses. If they pick up anything at all, most of them think: “Oh, great -- she’s falling back in love with me!” Here she’s undergoing a complete makeover from Plain Jane to Jessica Alba, and it doesn’t even make them blink. Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, “You know what’s great about men? They’re so observant!”

talking to the ex Now just imagine: All kinds of guys are dancing slow with Cassia, rubbing their bodies up against her, breathing and sweating all over her -- and she wants to keep boogeying with them! To boot, she’s text messaging with her ex. In other words, she’s out partying with the football team, plus she’s giving false hope to her last boyfriend! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this girl really loves you, I can tell.” Shel, when Cassia said her ex was just a friend, notice she didn’t say “male” friend. She happened to conveniently leave that word out. In other words, she told you three lies, and then she tried to sell you on the fairytale that it was all on purpose just to make you angry. But why did she want to make you angry? You should have asked her that question. But we already know why she wanted to tick you off: because it would be easier for her to leave. In this case, it looks like she never loved you in the first place. When Cassia said she wasn’t marriage material, do you know what that meant? Like I say in the Dating Dictionary: 25% of all women who get married do it with an Interest Level of only 40% to 49%. And now you two are blaming each other for the fix you’re in. Isn’t it funny when you go to court how you hear two sides of the same story and one side sounds nothing like the other? This is the same thing. What a mess, dude. I hope you’re reading "The System" every night.

her true colors When Cassia revealed her “true” personality to you, you should have asked her how many dates with men she needed per night. When she told you she was sorry about having to have a child to arrive at her realization, it wasn’t even Womanese anymore -- it was way beyond Womanese. She was in a different territory altogether. She must really dig you, Shel. Let me ask you this question: Why do you pick up the phone at two in the morning when Cassia calls? Why don’t you let her babble to the answering machine? That’s what they’re for, don’t forget. Let her chatter away there, then erase the message the next morning -- don’t even listen to it. Haven’t you heard enough from this prize already? But then I can understand why Cassia’s upset, pal. Why should you be miffed that she’s seeing the ex behind your back and doing full body rubs at the local disco with all those lounge lizards? Heck, you should be calling her up and pleading with her to see you. I can’t

believe how selfish you are! Here’s exactly what to say when she calls…

you’re doing it right, buddy But seriously, you should tell your wife how consumed you are with your wonderful, fantastic life when she tries to get in touch. “I’m really tied up, honey. I’m having a little party over here. So get back to me later, okay?” That’s what you tell her. What makes you beautiful, Shel, is that you are acting indifferent to Cassia. Five years in and you don’t call her. You know how many guys wouldn’t have the Self-Control to do that? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Medal of Honor!” When Cassia demands details about your personal life, tell her: “They’re holding a Playmate shoot in the bathroom right now. In fact, Hef’s coming over to introduce himself.” You hit it right on the head, buddy -- women simply can’t believe that they can dump a man and he’s actually surviving. Here she blows the guy off, his heart is broken, he’s got this terrible emptiness engulfing his stomach, he can’t eat, he’s losing weight, and he’s fighting with his boss all over this 105-pound girl. But not you. Good for you, Shel. And it’s great that you’re not talking about the other guys. Yes, it is just Cassia’s ego that’s bruised by your refusal to cave in and turn into a basket case when she tramples on you. When any other woman’s Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re supposed to beg. And that abject whimpering and whining will drive her Interest Level from 49% to 40%. Then, when she hooks up with the latest new guy, it will drop further, to 39%, and you’re out. That’s the way it works. In your case, Cassia moved out.

she never liked you to begin with But Shel, you’re different. You’re doing everything right. You’re not giving Cassia the satisfaction and you’re keeping your dignity intact. When you’re around her with your daughter, be very, very affectionate toward Cassia. Then grab the kid and head to Disneyland. You’ll have to remain cordial with Cassia because of your child, but do it expeditiously. Talking about the kid is okay, but other than that, you’re getting off the phone. When she says she wants to talk about something else, tell her: “Babe, you got 30 seconds. I’m a real busy man.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Let her walk around wondering what you’re so busy with.” But after all the torture you suffered at the hands of this wench, you’re thinking of getting back together with her. Shel, your wife never dug you from the beginning, so there’s nothing to go back to. Remember, guys: Make sure she’s deeply in love with you when you marry her.

She's Hot But Crazy

Hey Doc, I enjoy your love radio show and columns and have to tell you that "The System" was the best purchase I ever made in my life. The book really tells the truth, which I realize more and more every day. Now to my problem: I’ve been in a relationship with Aimee for two years. I’m 30 years old, she’s 36 and we’ve been living together for 11 months with her 8-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. Aimee has low self-esteem, but is Flexible and a Giver about 50% of the time. Otherwise, she’s high maintenance (after all, she is a Beautiful Woman) and has no sense of humor, which is something I miss a lot in a partner. As you can imagine, she nags a lot and likes to argue. After getting your book and reading it a couple of times, I began implementing your principles, especially Challenge, and it started to work. Aimee’s Interest Level, which was always (I think) above 50%, began to rise.

don’t blame me My problem is that Aimee always tries to blame someone else -- usually me -- for anything and everything bad that happens to her. And boy oh boy, she complains and whines like a little baby. Another problem is that she is so dependent that she thinks that every time I leave her side (even to go to another room) I’m doing something deceitful. For example, recently I was in the kitchen for 10 minutes preparing snacks and she was lying on the sofa watching TV. When I returned with a plate full of goodies, she asked what I was doing in there. Looking at the plate, I said, “What do you think I was doing?” She actually didn’t believe that’s all I was up to. Doc, I know there are too many red flags, and I would like to end this relationship. Sometimes it seems to me that the main reason Aimee’s with me is because I get along great with her daughter and she wants another child. I can’t see myself living with Aimee the rest of my life. I especially can’t see myself having kids with her because whenever she’s upset or nervous about something, innocent people suffer. Did I mention she’s also lazy?

down to the point So Doc, I guess what I’m asking is, what’s the best way to end this relationship? I’m working on getting myself on the right track and I need time and freedom to practice your techniques. My main concern is the entire transition period of breaking up since Aimee and I live together. I do have an opportunity to get a job in another city about 200 miles away. That

could be a good excuse to get out. Ryan - who needs a strategy

doc love’s answer Hi Ryan, You know how Jack Nicholson gets rid of them? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “He gives ’em a nice tip.” But we won’t get into his problems now. We’re going to concentrate on you, Ryan. She might be like a horse, but she makes you look like a horse’s ass…

high cost, low return So, your Aimee is a Flexible Giver about 50% of the time? Unfortunately, what that means is that you’re absolutely miserable the other 50% of the time! Is that any way to live, Ryan? To you Psych majors, this girl should be on the cover of Cosmopolitan. That’s why she can get away with pulling the stuff she pulls, and that’s how stupid some men are. Let me correct you on something you wrote, my friend. You don’t really mean, “Otherwise she’s high maintenance;” what you really mean is ON TOP OF IT ALL, she’s high maintenance. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You call this a good deal?”

not just like chris rock Now let me tell you something, and it’s really important. Way back in 1985, I incorporated Challenge into "The System." Like the famous Sigmund Freud said, “It turned out to be the most revolutionary concept to affect dating and love in the 20th century.” Since then, nothing -- NOTHING -- new has made it onto the Truth Triangle in the Dating Dictionary. That is, until last month when I added the element of HUMOR. Why? Because of how incredibly important a sense of Humor is to a loving relationship. It is blindingly obvious what it means if you have a girl who doesn’t have it. Think about it, man. Ninety-nine percent of all women have at least a little sense of humor. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Hell, even some Feministas try to laugh once in awhile!” But no sense of humor at all? My cousin Fast Eddie Love says it best: “Does this girl have legs as long as Stacy Keibler?”

she’s an equestrian nag Yes, shocking as it might seem, I can imagine that Aimee likes to nag and argue. But you should tell her, “Honey, I think that arguing is the most loving thing you can do in a relationship and that’s why I love you so much!” And say it with a straight face. Then wink at

her, just like Dennis Quaid. After you read my book, what started to work was that Aimee’s Interest Level went from 40% to 49%. She’s still with you, but she’s a mess. That’s the problem with this girl. Consider what happens in life: successful people look at themselves first to try and figure out why something went wrong? Your Aimee does the exact opposite. Ryan, do you really want to be stuck with that kind of negativity for the rest of your life? Give back her red flag and eject her from your game…

mork from ork Now let me ask you a question: If Aimee complains and whines like a little baby, have you asked her why she isn’t a movie star? When she thinks you’re up to no good behind her back, you have to learn to use Humor in these situations. Remember, anytime something heavy comes up with any babe, you’re supposed to go straight into your Robin Williams routine and lighten things up. When she asked what you were doing in the kitchen, you handled it all wrong: You went on the defensive. Like I always tell you guys, when the going gets rough, you have to come up with a funny. What you tell her is, “Know what I was doing in there? I was going through my new Play..boy magazine, checking out all the girls. What were you doing, honey?” Now let’s get this straight… You spend 10 minutes doing something innocent in the kitchen and Aimee accuses you of not really doing what you said you were doing and that’s not really a plate of food? Hey, this girl is really rational! You got a real winner here!

a new planet Know what, Ryan? Your babe lives in what’s called “Beautiful Girl World.” That’s the planet where she thinks it’s all about her all the time and the stars revolve around nobody but her. To you Psych majors, most models and actresses inhabit “Beautiful Girl World.”

springtime for red flags Now you finally see the red flags sprouting up everywhere? Dude, the building has already burned to the ground! Of course this has to end. This relationship should never have started in the first place. Pal, you fell in love with a Beautiful Psycho Girl. And you two want a baby -- with her attitude? Are you nuts? The innocent person suffering around her is YOU. To you Psych majors, do you really want to unleash her on a child?

lazy is a deadly sin

Yes, you did happen to mention that Aimee was lazy. But I had a hunch from the way she had you playing servant in the kitchen while she sprawled on the couch and watched the tube -which means she’s also very crafty and knows how to use what she’s got to get what she wants. I can’t believe how good-looking this girl is! Guy, you should have extricated yourself from this morass the day after you read my book. You know what that means? That means getting out of town on the double.

get out now You moved in with her too soon, buddy. You didn’t know this girl. All you knew was that she looked like one of the stunners on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar. I wish that you were moving 2,000 miles away instead of 200 miles away, Ryan. But like my cousin Father Love would say, “At this time, just take the job.”

Remember, guys: if she lives in Beautiful Girl World, until you have my principles down, don’t waste her time.

Revealing Your Dating Strategies Hi Doc, I slipped up last night. First, let me give you a little background. Yancy approached me on the street and asked me for my home phone number; I got hers as well. I was completely prepared to wait a week to call her, but after just four days, she called and asked me out. It was an incoming offer, so I went. When we went out, I kept everything light and funny, no heavy subjects, no putdowns, no compliments, and no touching. Yancy was doing all the touching and talking. I didn’t kiss her. The next day, she sent a text message saying, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a lot of fun last night and I really enjoyed your company.”

she knows about womanese Well, Yancy and I were out on our second date last night when she found the Dating Dictionary under the seat of my truck. (I forgot to take it out before I picked her up.) She flipped through it, then asked me to explain Interest Level and Womanese, which of course I did. She seemed to respond positively to the explanation. Then, she asked me what I thought her Interest Level in me was, and I lied and told her 60% to 70%. I know that it’s actually higher. Did I hurt my cause by breaking down Interest Level and

Womanese to Yancy? Afterward, she asked me to go to dinner and dancing with her the next night. It was back-to-back dates (which I know from your book are no-nos), but since it was an incoming offer, I said yes. Doc, do you think I should disappear now to build up more Challenge? What do you think about all this? Am I doing the right thing? Sonny - who doesn’t want to give his plan away

doc love’s answer Hi Sonny, First of all, I want to make sure I got this straight. You’re telling me you were walking along a public thoroughfare, Yancy saw you and said to herself, “Know what -- I’m going to walk up to this dude and take him out?” For a guy like me who faithfully watches Forensic Files and American Justice, it’s pretty darned scary. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There are lots of loons lurking around out there!” If Yancy were my little sister, I’d give her a spanking for accosting a strange man. What should you do if she calls you first? Find out what Doc has to say… But you two made a connection. Now think about this. 90% of the guys in America would have called Yancy within the first two days of swapping numbers. The other 10% are pretty sharp with the girls. And I’m talking here about guys who haven’t been schooled on my techniques. I know you guys think I’m beating up on you all the time, but I’m really only beating up the dumb 90%, not the slick 10%. But by utilizing "The System" and a waiting period, you got this girl to crack up. Another guy would have been on the horn to Yancy within 48 hours of meeting her, and never allowed her the possibility of calling him. To you Psych majors, you scored an “A” in patience.

you did good, buddy Your behavior on the first date was classy. I just hope you made Yancy laugh. And it’s good you didn’t touch her. Remember: You picked this girl up on the street, okay? Remember too that you can always kiss later. But in this circumstance, which I call an Advanced Class, because you just met this girl and because of where you met her, you didn’t have to employ the usual “Kiss Test.” To you Psych majors, we’re slowing things down. And again, this is because you were complete strangers on a street when you met -- which still bugs me. But you flubbed it when Yancy text messaged you with what a great time she had and how much she enjoyed being with you. You should have responded to this like Bobby DeNiro would: “Tell me some more. I’m very intrigued.” In other words, you should have played with it. You could have gotten some humor out of that incoming missive, but you didn’t.

Know what you should have said to this babe when she found my book under your seat? “I trained that guy. I taught Doc Love everything he knows about women. Then he went and wrote that book. It should have been me.” And said it with a straight face. She would have been totally impressed, and you would have been in the driver’s seat.

never reveal the system But you never should have had the book in your truck in the first place. What is your cherished Dating Dictionary -- an almost sacred tome that is loaded with truth -- doing underneath a seat in a truck with the cobwebs and fast-food wrappers? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got some dried squirrel skins under there too?” Instead, for that second date, you should have vacuumed and washed your car and blackened your black walls. Your vehicle would have been in perfect shape, in case Yancy’s a cootie freak. And that way you would have noticed my book and taken it out of there, and you would never have gotten into the situation and had to answer questions. But we can still clean this up.

on the other hand… Viewed from another angle, it’s good that Yancy discovered it because it allows you to test her attitude. If she concludes, “I hate to admit it, but this Doc Love is right on as far as dating goes,” then you've got yourself a potential keeper. But if she doesn’t get it, she’s going to be brutal to deal with. Your answer to her question about her Interest Level wasn’t humorous. To boot, you didn’t shoot a question right back at her. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re on the frontline, and you have to move forward!” Accepting a second date before your first is even done? That’s the ultimate no-no…

defuse the situation with a laugh Here’s the rule: When a woman hits you with a tricky question, you’re supposed to come right back and be a clown. As the Chinese proverb goes, “If you’re not a clown, Grasshopper, you’re gonna be the fool!” When Yancy tried to pin you down on her Interest Level, your snappy comeback should have been: “I don’t what it is now, but I’ll tell you this: At the end of three months -- if you make it that far -- it’s going to be in the 90s!” But you didn’t significantly hurt your cause. Because women know that men hate any type of self help when it comes to relationships, and Sonny, you stepped out of that box. So she has to be thinking: “Look at this guy -- he’s got the guts to buy a self-improvement love book. He’s not only got courage, he’s got brains!”

here’s where you went wrong… Where you did screw up was when she asked you out for the very next night. It’s true that I tell you to accept the date if it’s incoming, but you should never accept a date when you’re on a date. Let’s say she asks you to a wedding in two weeks. You answer, “Can we talk Wednesday?” We want this girl coming at you -- calling you in the early stages because it demonstrates high Interest Level. And that’s our main goal here -- gauging her Interest Level. I know I tell you not to talk about the future, but in this case, we want the girl to call you. If she says, on the spot, “Let’s set the date now,” then she’s closing you, which indicates high Interest Level. But what you’re doing is testing her, studying her -- you’re finding out exactly where she’s coming from in terms of her Interest Level. So again, even if it's incoming, never take a date on a date. Tell her you’ll talk later. Or even better, hand her women's favorite line out of the Encyclopedia of Womanese: “Let me check my schedule first. It’s at work.”

what now? Here’s the good part. You’ve only been in this girl’s presence twice. Everything looks great, and by the third date, she knows whether you’re going to be around for a while. And so far, this girl’s doing everything right. The only red flag is that there are so many nuts walking the streets. I just hope you two didn’t hook up at four in the morning in Compton! Sonny, you’re lucky Yancy’s Interest Level was in the 90s when she spotted you loitering on the pavement. But you have to go on six more dates. You have to make it to nine or 10 dates. So let her contact you by text message. If she doesn’t, you know what to do. Give it some time, then call her and ask her out for date number four. The only thing you shouldn’t have done was accepted the third date. You’ve got to learn to pace yourself. The biggest problem men have in relationships is rushing in. Remember, guys: You have to spoon-feed yourself, otherwise she’ll get bored.

Busted By Caller ID Hi Doc, Thanks for all of your books. I’ve read and re-read them over and over. I’ve tried "The System" on and off for over a year -- and invariably I’m happy when I use it, and unhappy when I don’t!

Phone calls are my biggest source of difficulty; specifically, trying to catch the women at home. I’ve avoided calling their cell phones, but it does seem weird to have their number and not use it. My second problem is that I get most of my numbers on Fridays: waiting until the following week seems too long (10 days if I call on Monday), and calling on Sunday night feels awkward.

it’s all about heather Here’s my current dilemma: I met Heather recently and on our first date she showed high Interest Level by laughing at my jokes, hugging me once, saying she had a good time, and twice telling me she was glad I asked for her number. I feel this woman has real potential. She is Flexible and seems Giving. To no avail, I called her twice several days later on a Monday at 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. I tried twice on Tuesday, again there was no answer and I left a short message. I did not leave a callback number and did not I ask her out. I know leaving any message is against your principles.

where do I go from here? Doc, how do I proceed now? Have I blown it already? If I can’t catch them at home, do I just wait another week? Heather has already begun asking questions about my marital status and if I have kids. Even though I played it cool but friendly on the date, she knows that I am interested. I have continued my efforts to use your techniques by asking another girl out, and I do have another number to call next week. Though it’s Heather I really like, I do see the value in having more than one number! It’s really killing me to apply "The System" to this Beautiful Woman, though I have seen it work on women that I have ended up not pursuing further. Thanks for any insight. Marat -- who can’t figure out how to take it from here

doc love’s answer Hi Marat, If you know that "The System" works, why in the world are you fighting it? If you go six months following my rules and everything is right, why would you change the order of things? What is it exactly that you don’t trust about my principles? Do you have to go out and test them? Is that your problem? Are you out to find your own way of doing things? Do you

want to prove me wrong? I may not be 100% right, but NO ONE COMES CLOSER THAN I DO. I bat 98.7%. How to look like a desperate, psycho guy… Guy, ask yourself one question; “Exactly where is Heather when you call her at all different times of night and day and she doesn’t pick up?” Now think about this -- she carries her cell phone around and you have that number. Why aren’t you calling her cell? You already played the other hand and it hasn’t worked. You’re lucky to have a cell phone as backup, so what are you waiting for?

what’s the big deal Marat, all you have to do is phone a girl on Wednesday or Thursday, and set up a date for Monday or Tuesday night. That’s all there is to it -- simple. So, Heather gave you a squeeze. Wow, I’m knocked out. Seriously, I don’t know why you guys get off on hugging. I have an aunt who’s 93 years old. She’s a great lady and when we get together we hug. Dig? So I wouldn’t place too much stock in it. But if a girl pulls you in like that on a date, go for a kiss on the lips. If you can’t pull that off, go for a kiss on the cheek. Press the issue, but if the woman owns the company you work for don’t try to kiss her -- obviously.

why is she so great? So, you feel Heather has real potential. Why? You know nothing about this woman, dude. She’s a complete stranger. I can’t believe that you are gushing all this praise just because she did a couple of right things? Boy, I’d love to be a student in your class! To you Psych majors, she’s got no time in. Tell me in six months that you trust her -- then we’re talking about something. You say she’s Flexible and Giving to boot. How do you know that, Marat? You’re just dying to give this woman accolades, aren’t you? Which means your Interest Level is way up in the 90s. Unfortunately, that’s not what counts. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It’s better not to adore them.”

phone fumble Why didn’t you call Heather at 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. instead of banging on your redial button right after you called her the first time? Your call times were way too close. If she sees your number come up on her caller ID she’s going to think to herself, “Look at this guy -- he went berserk! What did he do -- have 16 cups of espresso and hit the phone lines? Or is he that desperate?”

Then you go and break a cardinal rule by leaving a message, but you don’t leave a number to help Heather call you back. You’re really slick, man. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “I’d never want to go hunting with you or Mister Cheney!” If you know that leaving a message is against my principles, why on earth did you do it? In other words, pal, you can teach my techniques, but you can’t implement them. Does that make any sense? You can get up on a podium and teach “telephone blunders” to 200 guys in a seminar, but you can’t avoid making them yourself. Intellectually, you know what to do, but you can’t pull if off yourself. Know why? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Because you’re whipped!” Exercise your mind before you exercise your game…

read it again Have you already blown it with Heather? Well, as they say at the racetrack, “It’s a lock!” Marat, I’m curious to hear your answers to Heather’s questions. Did you get a big laugh out of her like you’re supposed to? When she asked if you have been married you should have said, “I’m married right now.” At that point you could have watched her jump out of her seat. After that I hope you said, “Tell you what, we’re going to be one big happy family -- you, me and my three wives up in Utah!” You weren’t cool at all if Heather could tell you were interested in her on your date. Go and watch Steve McQueen in The Getaway (1972) and Bullitt (1968) -- that’s what cool really is. It’s not who you like, man -- it’s who the woman wants. So you got it all backwards. Are you sure you got the right book?

practice makes perfect The value of having lots of phone numbers is explained in the Dating Dictionary. It’s like playing poker with a strong hand: You have to study my book and get your act together. When study hall is finished, you’ll go through girls like water through a rainspout. You want to be shuffling three to five girls at any one time. As Doctor Freud once said, “The biology lab first, then field work.” You have to go back and forth, from book to practice, until you get smarter and more aware. Marat, Marat, Marat -- the whole idea is to apply "The System" to this Beautiful Woman! This is where DISCIPLINE comes in. Like my cousin General Love says, “You want to be a Marine on the dating battlefield? You gotta toughen up, son!”

brothers gotta work it out

What does seeing my techniques work on women you haven’t pursued have to do with anything? Of course they work! Why don’t we talk about the color of your grass? Is it green or gray? You have to go to the library on Sundays, get jacked on coffee, turn off the cell phone, and pull out your magic marker and STUDY. Pretend you’re taking the state bar exam next week and bust your brain for four straight Sundays. You have to have my material MEMORIZED. You have a long way to go, my friend. You’re doing some things right, but you’re giving this girl way too much credit and she worked you. Don’t be so quick to give away the store. Remember, guys: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

She's Playing You For A Fool Hey Doc, I used to go out with this girl, Megan. We spent three and a half months together, and during those three and a half months, I broke up with her once due to her bitchiness, and because she used to meet her ex-boyfriend and I couldn’t take it. She cheated on her boyfriend with me before we hooked up, then she finally left him for me. I left her for the second time just recently. I know that she’s met up with her ex many times and that he’s kissed her. She said she didn’t want him to, and then turned around and admitted it was her fault and that she’s sorry she let him. Megan and I are still very close, we love each other and we also date on a regular basis. She says that whenever I kiss her, it feels right.

she doesn’t want to commit I see Megan quite often because we go to the same school. We both talk to our friends about our relationship. She told my best friend that she doesn’t want a commitment and wishes to start fresh with someone else in the future. She’s told me this too, but then she turns around and tells me she doesn’t know what she really wants. She says she wants to be free, but that she’s also certain about one thing: She never wants to lose me, and she needs my hugs and kisses. She says she adores me and that I’m a treasure. She swears she’ll always be there for me. Doc, I’m so confused. I didn’t leave Meg for no reason. Her bitchiness and flirtatiousness really got to me. But when I see her act all sweet and loving, I start wondering whether I made the right decision. I don’t know if I want Megan back, but I can’t stand even thinking about her with someone else. If she wants freedom, why does she NEED things from me? Please help me. Andy - who’s never been so confused in his life

doc love’s answer

Hi Andy, So, you couldn’t take the fact that your girl was getting together with her ex? Then why did you go back for more? As my cousin Doctor Freud once wrote, “The boy must be a glutton for punishment.” She left her ex for you? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this girl sounds like the loyal type!” Doc tells Andy where he went wrong…

she let her ex kiss her Let’s face it, Andy: When Megan met up with her ex, the guy didn’t exactly have to put a bow and arrow to her head, did he? He got to kiss her, didn’t he? You mean she didn’t turn her head when he went for her lips? She didn’t push him away? She didn’t take at least one step backwards? Well, now it makes sense! Now I see how the guy got away with it! What you should be asking yourself, Andy, is how much of the whole story of her extracurricular activities Megan is really giving you. If she’s telling you to your face that her ex is smooching her and that it’s her fault, can you imagine what’s really going on? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If she’s willing to cough up this much, you sure she’s not working you?” When she kisses you and says that it feels so right, you should ask her -- like a certain former President of the U.S. would -- to define “right.” Is it “right” enough that she’ll stop seeing her ex? Apparently not.

your friends know you’re still into her On my gosh, Andy -- you talk to WHO about Megan? What have I told you guys again and again? Never talk to anybody -- except for me -- about your relationship. Why don’t you just have “I LOVE YOU, MEGAN!” printed on 10,000 fliers, rent a helicopter, then fly over the college and throw them out the window? You can believe or disbelieve what your best friend is telling you about your girlfriend, pal, but with the way things are going with her, I’d have to say, “It’s a lock you’re going down!”

she wants to see other people But what the heck, Megan is telling you the very same thing your friends are telling you, right? She practically broadcasts her desire for other men to the world. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “And you keep chasing this girl? Whatsa matter wif you, boy?” I don’t know why man was given an EGO. It’s the most dangerous thing in the world. The EGO clouds vision. It puts blinders on you, until all you can see is your own desire. And like

my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When it comes to women, men are STUPID enough to begin with.” It’s sort of Andy’s fault…

you’re hearing what you want to hear So don’t snow yourself, buddy. Megan knows what she really wants. She wants to get rid of you and find a new stooge! But you insist on believing that she adores you and thinks you’re a “treasure.” Those are two really extreme words -- and she also says she’s confused about her feelings toward you? Hello! Welcome to the Wonderful World of Womanese! But not to worry, Andy. Just like she promised, Megan will always be there for you. Heck, she’ll even let you be the best man at her wedding! Sure, Megan’s bitchiness and flirting got to you, and that’s understandable. But what about all the mistakes you made, guy? What about all the things you did wrong? Maybe that’s what sank her Interest Level; did you ever think of that? (This of course is in addition to the fact that she has a bad attitude!)

you’re letting her do this to you Let’s be real here, Andy. Megan could tell you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and you’d do it. She’s got you right where she wants you. To you Psych majors, “She works the man’s ego with the skill of an acclaimed artist!” You might not want to think about your squeeze getting romantic with someone else, man, but that’s not the important thing here. The only thing that’s relevant is how Megan feels about you. Remember, HER Interest Level is the only thing that matters -- after her attitude. All the other stuff means nothing. Want to know why Megan needs things from you? Because she wants a pet dog. Remember, guys: Women who love you are consistent.

Can Weirdos Score With Women? Hi Doc, I have two problems, and I hope you can help me.

Here’s the first. While most people have developed normally, it appears that other people, like me, have not, and lack “normal” social skills. My problem is purely mental, not physical. I am not crazy or violent, just deficient in certain areas of brain function. Doc, this makes it easy for me to commit social faux pas. Sometimes when people address me, I might not understand exactly what they’re saying. My hearing is perfect, but sometimes I draw a blank. Also, my lack of solid social skills means that some people might think I’m odd or weird. I’ve gotten better by learning and trying harder, but these problems are likely to last a lifetime.

don’t forget problem no. 2 So you can probably see where my second problem -- with women -- comes in. It can be hard to keep up in conversations, and I think they pick up on my differences. I’m a decent-looking fellow, and I’ve had some rather pretty girls flirt with me, but I don’t have the Confidence to use your techniques because I’m not sure they would work for someone like me. How am I supposed to be Confident when I stumble in conversations and make mistakes? My problems also attract attention from the worst kind of people -- those who get a rush from cutting me down in front of others, especially pretty women. There is nothing more emasculating than being cut down in front of a pretty woman. It’s worse because I guess you could say I’m a “nice guy” and don’t fight back well. Doc, what should I do? How can I be a winner when people have always (and will likely continue) to bring me down in front of Beautiful Women? I don’t know what to do. At times I can feel very broken. Please help. Roger -- who can’t feel like a winner when he feels like a loser

doc love’s answer Hi Roger, You got two problems, pal? You’re real lucky! Most people have at least 11! Roger, sometimes “normal” people commit blunders, too. You’re basically an okay guy -you just make a lot more mistakes than other guys, that’s all. Whereas the so-called typical person on the street might make 20 boo-boos, you make 80. What to do when you tongue is all tied up in knots around the ladies…

seek the help you need Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Of course your problem is purely mental.” Maybe you had lousy parents -- and if it they didn’t screw you up, maybe you weren’t born with a

full deck. In life, everyone has shortcomings of some kind -- even Jessica Simpson and Colin Farrell. What a surprise! But we’re going to give it a shot anyway. First, you should go and see a counselor -- a guy or gal with a sheepskin, and one that specializes in treating your type of problem. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Don’t spend your money for more than three months if something good isn’t happening.”

conversation conundrum When you don’t understand what people are talking about, here’s what you say: “Excuse me. Could you repeat that a little more slowly?” Then smile. Write those words down on a 3” x 5” card. Whenever you get lost in a conversation, pull the card out and use it -- it’s your security blanket. Lots of people draw blanks in conversations, Roger, don’t forget that. My book is full of witty and brilliant things to say to women -- make that your first stop. You don’t sound that bad off to me. It’s just that you haven’t been exposed to the correct training or experience. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I think you’re laying a heavy trip on yourself. Give yourself a break, paisan.” My friend, there are lots of loser guys out there who say the wrong stuff all the time, so don’t feel like you’re alone. You’re being way too hard on yourself. And that can set you back straight out of the gate, no matter who you are.

you will get the books Let’s concede that you might have a lack of social skills anyway. What are you going to do about it? March down to Barnes & Noble and pick up a book of etiquette. You’re going to put it right next to the Dating Dictionary and you’re going to study it. Then you’re going to get a book on how to be a good speaker and do the same. You’re going to make your index cards and use them when you have to. And you’re going to practice, practice, practice, until you know what’s on those cards like you know your first name. Look at it this way: If someone asks you your first name, you don’t get stumped by that, right? It’s the same principle. The point is that you can be coached. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re not completely hopeless, soldier. You should see what I have to put out there on the dating battlefield!” But you say you’ve gotten better, Roger. Fantastic! To you Psych majors, as long as you improve, that’s what’s important. I don’t care if the trip to becoming the reincarnation of Cary Grant is 50 million miles, as long as you’re on the right track and going forward -- and Roger, you are. Just the fact that you wrote a letter proves it. So you are doing some things right. That’s what you have to build on.

When you have a personality crisis, don’t stick around for the beating…

on to the women So when you’re with women, you smile and show your teeth like they do. When they stop talking, you stop talking, until you’re comfortable with your rap and can guide the conversation. I hope that when these pretty women flirted with you, you asked, “Hey, what’s your home phone number?” Let me ask you something, Rog: If you want to dig a hole, would you rather use a spoon or a spade? Dude, "The System" is a power shovel. You’d be a fool not to use it. I get letters from guys all over the world. One of my loyal students in India, who’s turning into a love doctor himself, called me recently. His buddy was about to commit hari-kiri over some babe who dumped him. And my student talked him out of it by using some of the materials from my book. Now I’m not going to tell you that my principles prevent suicide, but in this case, it sure helped. If it can hold someone back from smoking the tailpipe, it can sure as heck help you to be more social!

a beating for acceptance So what you’re going to do is use shorter sentences guy, so your tongue doesn’t get tied in a knot. You’re going to find a way to get the woman to carry most of the conversation. You’re also going to go to Toastmasters and talk about "The System." The first time you get up on the podium, you’re going to make 88 mistakes, but the next time up there, you’re only going to make 87, the third time it will be 86, and so on. Then you’re headed in the right direction. Regarding the mean-spirited people you run into, why don’t you just walk away from them? Why do you hang around for a beating? If you must stay, get the upper hand and turn it to your advantage. Say what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say to a hot babe who was putting him down: “I love it when you beat me!” And then grin like Christopher Walken. On second thought, smile like Tom Hanks. You don’t have to fight back at all, Roger -- just walk off. Or disarm that Beautiful Woman who mocks you by saying, “Do you think it’s loving and hospitable to torture me just because I can’t get out three words in a row?” That’s what you say to her. You have to use humor. If other guys cut you down in front of pretty women, just split, simple as that -change your environment. If it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out.

personality crisis Why are you so convinced that your pattern of failure will never change? How can you predict the future? Go see your therapist, Roger. Then we’ll grow you a PERSONALITY. If you do what I tell you, and if you’re patient and don’t put yourself down, and you realize that

there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, the truth will change you. If you’re convinced that you’re a lost cause, there’s not much I can do. I may be able to get any guy in the world a date, but I’m not a miracle worker. Remember, guys: Nobody’s perfect.

Is She A Serial Dater? Hey Doc, “The System” is great! It’s really helped me in dealing with women and with people in my field (research immunology), and for figuring out their true motives. However, I’m having a tough time figuring out Lara, since her red flags aren’t clear. My gut tells me to forget her. I met her on CatholicSingles.com. She contacted me first and is five years older (33 to my 28). After several humorous exchanges, she asked me if I’m as funny in person and gave me her number. I called her and we set a date. She arrived 15 minutes early and we had a couple of drinks. She never touched me once. We laughed a lot and she seemed to be having a good time. After two hours, I let her know that I had to leave since I had an early workday coming up. Not knowing her Interest Level, I walked her to her car and gave her a very brief kiss. She smiled and said goodbye.

so far so good The next day, I got an e-mail thanking me for a great time. I waited four days and called her for another weeknight date. She accepted. We bowled and then went out to eat. I paid for the bowling part, but she picked up the tab at the restaurant. But still no touching. I kissed her more passionately at the end of the night. She said it was nice kissing me and I left. I got another e-mail the next day. Now here’s the confusing part. We went out again over a week after date number two. We went ice skating, but still no touching. She suggested drinks afterward. We went, and she ordered food. I picked up the tab since she didn’t offer. She then wanted to go to a microbrewery. I also picked up the tab there. I kissed her at the end again. No e-mail this time.

is she a serial dater? My question is this: Is Lara a serial dater? Was her one offer to pick up the tab a smokescreen? I’m a medical resident and she has an MBA and has been working for 10-plus

years, so obviously we’re in different income brackets. I find it rude that on our last date she wouldn’t at least offer to pay (red flag!), considering the bill was around $70. Also, the lack of touching bothers me. What should I do, Doc? She does kiss and seem to enjoy it, but then again, Anna Nicole Smith married an 87-year-old guy. Although she has talked about the future and invited herself over to help me paint my condo, her other behavior strikes me as odd. Maybe this is why she’s still single at age 33. Kevin - who’s straining to see the forest through the trees

doc love’s answer Hi Kevin, Lots of guys tell me that “The System” carries over beautifully into their business lives. And that’s because I consciously injected the principles of successful sales into dating and love, which the people who teach Psychology 101 would never think of doing. Are the signs Kevin is seeing really red flags? After scratching my head over your letter, I just hope you’re clear on what a red flag is, pal. Lara went after you first, right? That happens to be a GREEN flag. She asked if you were as funny in person? That’s a personal question -- another GREEN flag. She gave you her telephone number -- a third GREEN flag. She didn’t turn you down when you called her for a date. I hate to tell you this, Kevin, but that’s yet another GREEN flag. Are you sure you read my stuff?

only one red flag Now I’ll admit that it’s bad that Lara never touched you once. But let’s see what else she brings to the plate. Like my cousin General Love says, “That’s only one warning in a sea of green flags!” I’m going to compliment you on a couple of things here, Kevin. It was perfect that you were the one who ended the first date. You got out of there, man. Most guys would have hung around until one in the morning, and waited until the girl started yawning and brought up the fact that she had to leave because she had a busy day at work the next day. And when you gave her a kiss at the end of the date, you CLOSED. Fantastic! Now if she’d turned her head, that would most definitely have been a red flag. But she didn’t. So all we’re seeing is green flags. But you should have waited a little longer before calling Lara for a second date. You phoned

her too soon. What’s the hurry, pal? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Don’t go rushing in and ruining everything. There’ll be time enough for that later!”

you’re supposed to pay, buddy The woman is not supposed to pay for any of the first 10 dates, Kevin. But this girl popped for a restaurant bill. She’s a GIVER. She’s doing 99% of everything right; so don’t get hung up on the rule. As far as the touching goes, you’re kissing her, she’s kissing you back, and she’s not turning her head. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, I’d rather get kissed than be touched on the arm any ol’ day -- wouldn’t you?” But you’re telling yourself, “She complimented my kiss, but she didn’t touch my arm! Oh, hell, I’d better get rid of her!” Makes sense to me! The girl’s not even supposed to offer to pay for your dates, Kevin. I don’t know where in the world you got that cockamamie idea. She already sprang for one date. Do you expect her to pay for everything? Would Cary Grant or Diddy expect a girl to pay? Come on! Doc straightens Kevin out when it comes to interpreting his principles…

you've got it all wrong Kevin, you’re completely misreading what a red flag is. But you’re ticked off anyway. What did the microbrewery cost you? 13 bucks? Did that break you? Know why she didn’t e-mail you after that date? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Because you didn’t buy her enough beer!” Lara’s not a serial dater. Let me remind you again -- she’s kissing you. She’s going out with you every time you ask her. She’s sending you e-mails. (And when she doesn’t, you’re supposed to wait a lot longer than four days to call her for your next date. When they back off, you back WAY off.) This babe didn’t send up a smokescreen. You’re blowing everything out of proportion. When she paid for a date, it was a good sign. To you Psych majors, it’s not what the IRS says that matters here. You pay because you asked Lara out. If she asks you out, she pays for the date. She hasn’t done that yet.

don’t be so difficult I don’t know where your mind is, Kevin, but it was rude that you even thought about wanting this girl to pay. Count her kisses -- forget the arm touches. And next time, take her out on a cheaper date if money is an issue. But the point is this: As soon as you get out of school, you’ll be making a lot of money. Heck, you’ll make what Lara makes and more. You ought to be happy that she brings down more jack than you -- but you don’t get any of it until you raise

her Interest Level over a long period of time. Just wait a little longer to call her next time. It’s true that Anna Nicole Smith married a geezer, but I bet you’re not even as good-looking as he was. Lara offered to paint your condo for you, she kisses you goodnight and you want her to buy meals on top of it all? Her behavior isn’t odd at all. It’s your misinterpretation of my principles that’s the real problem here. Maybe Lara’s still single at 33 because the only guys who ask her out are guys like you. Remember, guys: If she does 90 things right, don’t get rid of her because she does one thing wrong.

She Uses The System On You Hi Doc, I’m writing to you from Scandinavia. I’ve studied your book and listened to your radio show, and I have to tell you that in the beginning I was skeptical. But I have to admit that your methods are making sense more and more. I do have a question for you: how do you manage a woman who’s using "The System" on you? I’m 51 and I have been seeing Lisa for more than two months and we’ve had 11 dates. She calls me often, but she does all the things I’m supposed to do. For instance, she waits for me to touch her, she always guides the conversation to topics that she wants to discuss, and she spoon-feeds me the dates she wants us to have. In short, she keeps me guessing and on my toes.

a cold war Lisa has three jobs and three kids and her sports hobbies take up the rest of her time. If it weren’t for her inviting me out, I would assume that she’s lost interest. Jokingly, I asked her what she expected of me at the party she recently invited me to, and she said without hesitation, “Just don’t flirt with my friends!” So it’s a bit of a cold war, Doc. I try to play it cool by not talking about the future or my feelings. I try to keep the conversation light and tease her often. Lisa is a very attractive woman and I feel that her Interest Level is lower than mine, and I think I should do something radical or quit. Maybe Lisa is just a user -- but then she’s very sweet and Giving when we meet, she’s always on time and she never plays games. It is difficult to find times to meet since I have two kids from my previous marriage as well.

Maybe five kids between us is the problem. What I’m most worried about with Lisa is that there is too little touching and she never speaks about the future. She does, however, kiss me on the mouth when we meet and she sometimes takes my hand to caress it. What do you think, Doc? Should I try another tactic? Ellis - who can’t get out from under her thumb

doc love’s answer Hi Ellis, You should be skeptical about what you hear and read. There are 10,000 love doctors running around out there giving advice to guys, you have to be discriminating. But guess what? None of the other love doctors talk about CHALLENGE. Why is it more of these so-called geniuses don’t talk about Challenge? Have the Feministas brainwashed us to the point where it’s not even on the radar screen? She’s busy, so get over yourself and let things ride…

chatterbox But let’s get on to your problem. If Lisa waits for you to touch her and you’re bent out of shape about it, the solution is simple: don’t touch her. You’re the one who caves in first, Ellis. If there’s no physical contact between you and Lisa, fine -- there’s no contact. Live with it. But you’re not going to touch her. Let her give in first. The reality is that Lisa is the only one using "The System," and you are not! What’s the problem with letting Lisa choose what she wants to gab about? Let her go where she wants with the conversation and let her talk until the cows come home. As Doctor Freud once said, “Women reach a state of euphoria when they’re blabbing about nothing.”

do not touch the merchandise But let’s look at this thing more closely, pal. Lisa keeps you on a long leash, but when she shows up for a date, she’s the best thing since cheap gasoline prices. There’s nothing wrong with this girl. So I don’t know what you’re moaning about. You should be kept guessing and on your toes, Ellis -- it is part of the dating dance. And you’ll dish out the same treatment to Lisa by not touching her anymore. If her plate is filled with all kinds of duties and activities, let her call you when she’s ready to go out. It’s that simple. Don’t ask her out and don’t worry -- she’ll ask you. Don’t fret about her Interest Level, either. She’s the one asking you out despite her

overloaded schedule, right? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’s helping you out, dodo!” But apparently that’s not good enough for you. You had to go and ask Lisa what she expected of you. In other words, you were begging -- begging to know where you stood in the relationship. There’s a chapter called “Begging” in the Dating Dictionary. You should go back over that one dude, and stop yourself from wrecking it with Lisa before it even gets off the ground.

it’s not all about you When she ordered you not to flirt with her friends she came off sounding like a very classy lady. I don’t see where the cold war is here, Ellis. You go out, you have a great time, and Lisa kisses you good night. What else do you want from this girl? You act like she’s a 17-year-old high school kid who has a few classes and Phys Ed to worry about. This lady’s got three jobs, three kids, and she’s in training for the Olympics on top of it all. Come on, man -- she’s busy! And you know what? The fact that she has three jobs proves that she’s a good catch. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s not going to sit on her fat butt and wait for you to hand her your money!” When you encounter a busy woman with kids, park your feelings and overpay the sitter…

shut up, be happy Forget your urge to talk about the future or your precious feelings, Ellis. Just sit back and enjoy the trip. This babe’s about as perfect as they come. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You got any idea how many guys in America would like to date this girl?” I don’t think Lisa’s Interest Level is any lower than yours. But it’ll make Dubya’s approval ratings look high if she senses your insecurity and you keep shooting your mouth off about what she expects of you. You want a radical tactic? Keep your trap shut. That’s the way you’ll keep her. Where are you getting the notion that Lisa’s a user? Ellis, you’re in la-la land. Try laying off the Jack Daniels, my friend. You’re telling me she’s sweet and Giving, always on time and never plays games and then she’s a user. Like I said before, what else do you want from her? Remember, three kids and three jobs? Hello? To you Psych majors, there are only 24 hours in a day!

pencil in the guy on the side If you can’t come to grips with common sense and logic, look at it this way: if Lisa is so tied up with her life, it means she can’t be cheating on you with somebody else. She has three kids, three jobs, athletic training and a boyfriend! Where’s she going to find time to squeeze

another guy in on the side? Don’t worry about how you two are going to get together -- you two will work it out. Get yourself a babysitter and a backup babysitter. Overpay them and they’ll jump whenever you call. The problem isn’t five kids between you and Lisa. The problem is that you have my book and you’re not using it.

enjoy the ride So relax about the future and the touching. You two have only been on 11 dates. What do you want her to do, slobber all over you? She’s a class act, not a desperado. And wait a minute here, all of a sudden she’s caressing your hand? I thought you said she didn’t touch you? You have to memorize my book, Ellis, and try to interpret it properly. You have a good woman here -- relax and enjoy the ride. Lisa’s not a high school cheerleader and you’re not the star quarterback of the football team. Those days are gone. Remember, guys: when they have three kids and three jobs, it is okay for them to make the dates.

She's After Your Money Hey Doc, I’m in my mid-30s, newly divorced and have my own business. I recently purchased “The System” in an attempt to understand what went wrong with my marriage and not repeat the mistakes of the past. After my divorce, but before I bought your book, I met an 18-year-old girl, Jami, through my business. She was and still is a regular customer. Our first date was to a concert. She invited me at the last minute and I foolishly accepted. The second time was to see a movie -- also a last-minute invite. The third time was another concert, planned in advance. All three times, one or more of her girlfriends came along. The fourth time was dinner with her parents, and I insisted on treating.

the wrong moves From your book, it seems I did everything wrong. I bought Jami expensive presents. I complimented her too much. We also e-mailed and text messaged every day.

Then, she asked me for a job at my company. I told her I had concerns about that because I had feelings for her. She responded that she didn’t have feelings for me, but wanted to be friends. I told her it would be too painful. This was all via e-mail and instant message.

she still e-mails After this, we stopped communicating for the most part. Occasionally, she e-mails asking what I’m up to, and I always respond. In her most recent message, she asked for assistance with one of her college projects. (She wants to be an actress, by the way.) My gut tells me that Jami is an immature, inflexible taker, and that she’s not the one for me, but I find her very attractive. Doc, what should I do? Should I respond to her need for assistance? What do you think Cary Grant would do in this situation? I would appreciate it if you could give me some guidance on this matter. Frederic - who got your book a little too late

doc love’s answer Hi Frederic, You didn’t just purchase “The System.” You invested in your life. You decided to protect your sanity. You gave yourself a guarantee that you’ll never have to lie on a shrink’s couch bawling over some ditzy babe. Did Frederic screw up? Pal, the vast majority of guys repeat the mistakes of the past. Know what Judy, Caprice, Lynn, and Amber all say? “This guy’s needy.” But let’s get on to your problem. So, Jami’s all of 18 years old? Come on, Frederic -- what are you going to do, adopt this girl? But you did the right thing by going along when she asked you out. Take note, because this is what I call an “advanced class.” When a girl comes at you, when she invites you out, you have to GO. I don’t care if you’re the third or fourth dude on her list; if you go along for the ride, you might end up number one or two. And that’s why you go for it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When she tells you to start the dance, you say ‘Baby, turn up the music!’”

you started off well When Jami invited you to the movies, it was the second time she asked you out. Freddie, you’re moving up! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re really swattin’ flies now, baby!” Then a concert planned in advance? Wow. You started out as hamburger; next thing you know, you’re Chateaubriand!

Now, guy, you know I’m against group dates, but you had to go along with Jami when she asked you out with her friends because she’s just out of diapers and needs chaperones. I know this sounds silly, but these 18 to 22 year olds have to run you past their girlfriends for approval first. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, “That’s ding-dong rule number one!” You’re a nice guy and she was bragging about you. You worked this girl nicely, man. And by the way, you better only get together with this girl at night because I don’t want her seeing your sagging jowls, and all those deep lines and saddlebags under your eyes! It’s perfect that you insisted on treating for dinner when you stepped out with Jami’s parents. That’s exactly what Cary Grant would have done, too. And, hey -- you’re meeting the folks! So you’re being too hard on yourself, Frederic. You did lots of things right -- up to this point. But now here’s the downside.

here’s where you messed up You only buy expensive presents for your fiancée or your wife. Big mistake, Frederic. You don’t stick 10 or 15 grand on the credit card for this little girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Before you open up your wallet, you gotta swing an alone date with her, man.” My book tells you to limit your compliments. You had the book, but you didn’t MEMORIZE it, and when you were confronted with this stunning 18-year-old nymph (who belongs on the cover of Elle magazine), it’s understandable that you weakened. But you pulled another boner, Frederic. Doc gives it to him straight… E-mailing and text messaging this honey every single day was a huge blunder. To you Psych majors, Challenge means you’re out in North Dakota because the United States Federal Witness Protection Program put you there -- you can’t be found until your next date! And to ice the cake, you just couldn’t hold yourself back and had to blabber about all the feelings you had for Jami…. Frederic, what in the world were you doing baring your soul to this child? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You got kids older than this girl!” Talk about begging! Talk about weak!

she only loved your wallet Of course Jami doesn’t have feelings for you -- but she loved your Visa card. That’s one out of two. If I were you, I’d be friends with Jami -- but you’re going to be kissing her on her doorstep. You told her it was too painful to be friends via e-mail? I’ll bet that raised Interest Level at least 10 points!

You and Jami didn’t stop communicating, buddy -- she dropped you like a bad habit. When she contacts you from now on, tell her you’ve got a heavy love problem. You’re dating twin Playmates -- Miss January and Miss July of 2007 -- and they’re fighting like cats over you. And you really like Miss January because she has a great sense of humor, but there’s something about Miss July you love too. The problem is that her legs are too long. What’s a poor guy to do? Ask her for a suggestion.

it’s all about give and take Wanting help with her college course and dreaming about becoming an actress is a double whammy. Tell Jami that you’ll help her with her project, but first she has to come over to your house and cook dinner. I have no doubt whatsoever that you find Jami very attractive, my friend. And that makes two of you -- you and the U.S. Army. How should you handle it now? Disappear. It’s your only hope. What would Cary Grant do in your position? Mostly the opposite of what you’ve been doing. Remember, guys: If she’s beautiful and between 18 and 22, don’t try to buy her.

Can You Trust Your Mistress? Hey Doc, I need your advice on a problem. Shannon has been my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and I never cheated on her. Well, about two months ago, I started frequenting a bar in my neighborhood. The bartender, Gina, is very attractive and I couldn’t help but look at her. A female friend of mine knows her and introduced us. One night we all went out after Gina finished her shift and I got close to her. At the end of the night I went for a kiss goodnight. For the next few weeks, Gina and I went out once or twice a week. I let her know I had a girlfriend, and she said it didn’t matter. I asked if she had a boyfriend, and she said that they just broke up. By the second week, Gina and I got very romantic. One night she must have given me a hundred compliments; she kept telling me that I was the perfect man. One of my friends from work told me that he thought Gina was still seeing her boyfriend, and I confronted her about it. I let her know that I didn’t care if she was seeing someone, but that I wanted her to be honest with me. She stuck with her story that it was over with her ex and we made plans to get together again.

doctor ex

The night of our date I called her to confirm. Hours went by and she didn’t call back. I called again and told her that I didn’t want to play games and she finally sent me a text message that said, “I’m at the hospital with my dad.” I wrote back to ask, “And you couldn’t have called to let me know that?” She said, “Not to be mean, but that was the last thing on my mind.” She let me know she was angry with me. I told her I wasn’t trying to be ignorant, but when you make plans with someone, it’s disrespectful to not inform the other about an emergency, and I won’t take disrespect from anyone.

cheating heart Doc, I know that I’m cheating, but Gina is a 9.5. She gets hit on constantly; she’s used to getting what she wants and I didn’t want to play that game. Do you think she’s lying about seeing her ex? Finally, do you think I did the right thing with Gina or did I make too many mistakes? Is there anything I can do from this point on or should I just let her go? North - who doesn’t know what he’s doing

doc love’s answer Hi North, It’s amazing how guys will contact me when they have a problem with a babe, but they won’t contact me when everything is going well. Very few guys -- probably only about five percent -- that I sell the Dating Dictionary to say that they want to make sure they’re doing all the right stuff. They are not out to snag the girl, because they already have a great one and she’s all over him, but just to make sure they keep her happy, to have that slight edge going forward -- that’s why they buy my book. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Which side of the fence are you on, boy?” Doc Love points North in a different direction… Pal, as far as hanging around your neighborhood gin mill goes, you’re allowed to do something like that once -- just once. You spot a girl like Gina, she happens to look like Angelina Jolie’s younger sister, and all of a sudden you’re in trouble. All you’re going to do is go back there and look at her some more when you already have a great girlfriend, which was your first mistake. Let me tell you something: If you go back to that joint a second time when you’re so physically attracted to the bartender, you’re cheating on Shannon. See, girls? I’m not so bad after all!

grade “a” lady Your second mistake was actually going out with Gina. First you’re ogling her, next you’re dating her. Didn’t it matter that you already had a girlfriend? Apparently not. And apparently it didn’t bother Gina at all. Hey, I have to hand it to you, North -- she’s a classy broad. Like

my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I see she’s got high standards straight out of the chute!” And by the way, you should have found out why she got rid of her boyfriend. This red-hot bartender may have given you thousands of compliments, but your girlfriend’s got 18 months in with you. Gina doesn’t even have 18 hours in with you.

running interference Now why the heck are you talking to a friend at your job about this total knockout? Don’t you know what a BLOCKER is, dude? You better go back to my book and look under “B.” Know what? Your friend was just trying to make a fool out of you. He was pushing you into an argument with Gina over nothing -- and he succeeded in doing exactly that. Of course you care if Gina’s seeing someone else -- you brought it up, didn’t you? If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have made an issue of it in the first place. Who the heck are you kidding? It’s like when a woman says “I don’t care if a guy has money or not.” Then why did she mention it? Duh!

hospital boor You want Gina to be “honest” with you? She doesn’t care if she steals a guy with a long-term steady girlfriend and you’re worried about honesty? That’s like trying to turn a tiger into a housecat or asking Hugh Hefner to stay away from 19-year-old women. You’re a funny guy, North. Now, when this hospital situation came up and you were stood up, you had to take it for what it was. Gina wasn’t exactly held up by 30 other people in line at the post office while she was trying to buy stamps for her business correspondence. The point is this: She told you that her dear old dad was in the hospital. Her story is either true or it’s false, but we’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt. So let’s say it’s true; if her father was in the hospital having an emergency appendectomy, she didn’t have to call you. You were completely off base on this - Gina should be angry with you for being an insensitive boor. Who is North to talk about disrespect? Ah, but you won’t take disrespect. Does there have to be a riot in the city before you’ll let someone off the hook? What does it take to convince you there’s a genuine problem? A tornado? An earthquake? Get real North. And dude, LOVE IS A GAME. Get that straight right now.

all lined up in a row I don’t think Gina’s lying about not seeing her ex. I’ll bet she’s already got at least two new ducks lined up for when she gets tired of you, which shouldn’t be long now. This girl doesn’t

fool around. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey man -- you forget where this girl works?” But we should be crying in our beer over poor Shannon -- not you and Gina. Because the poor girl’s Interest Level is high, and you’re going to dump her. Or you’re going to get caught fooling around. You better tell your girlfriend Shannon to move on, guy. Do her a favor. To you Psych majors, unless you’re going to be loyal to a girl, don’t go steady with her.

be easy on her You’re going to let Gina go? North, it’s not your dear old daddy who’s in the hospital! You got no say in the matter. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When she looks like Scarlett Johansson, you don’t stand a chance!” So here’s what you’re going to do: You’re going to buy a card and write, “I hope your dad feels better” on the right-hand side. And on the left-hand side you’re going to add, “I was completely out of line when I got on your case for not calling me. And I hope your dad feels better. When you feel up to it, give me a call and we’ll get together.” And you’re going to send it to Gina. But you’ve got to get rid of your girl Shannon before you escalate this thing with your “9.5” bartender. And you have to do a little studying. Let’s face it buddy, you’re making blunders all over the place: You’re calling to verify dates and you’re blabbing to blockers. I don’t think so, guy. You’ve got a long way to go to hold onto either of these women. Remember, guys: when you have a good one, don’t mess around.

Do Attractive Guys Need The System? Hey Doc, No offense, but "The System" does not offer good advice to all men. In particular, a good-looking man who inadvertently intimidates women with his appearance should not follow your advice on getting women to chase him. In "The System," you allude to playing games with women to make them believe that you are not very interested in them. In turn, they are supposed to chase you to win you over, right? Wrong! It’s common knowledge that women are typically not as confident as men. So why would they place themselves in such a vulnerable position? Why would they want to be hurt or feel even more insecure?

the rant continues Then you offer more advice that makes women think you are a flat out player and that every woman in town wants you. I hate to break it to you, Doc, but this only creates stress on the female’s part -- and stress does not lead to more attraction. Stress leads to an increased desire for stress reduction and removal. In other words, forget this guy! I’m surprised you don’t know this, Doc, but women want control. Women want security and loyalty from men; they don't want men that have their choice of women. That, my friend, is not security. I used your techniques on a great woman, Rain, and I blew it because of your advice. She started with very high Interest Level. I could give you a whole pile of evidence, but I want to keep this short. The “game” you had me playing left her confused and scared. All women have a history of being hurt. Why would I want them to think they are bound to get hurt again? It just makes no sense. You should create another book for men who have no problem attracting women, but who do have a problem with intimidating and scaring them away. I’ll leave you with this: “Everyone would love to own a Lamborghini, but not if it means driving it off the edge of a cliff.” Roman - who blew it with your book

doc love’s answer Hi Roman, I hate to break this to you, but my book is great for ALL guys. If a guy likes women, then "The System" is for him. Doc explains the strategy to Roman… Now let me tell you something: A good-looking guy might intimidate a woman going in, but once he starts talking and comes off like a buffoon, he’s nowhere. He thinks the lady’s Interest Level is up in the sky while she’s laughing inside. So good looks will get you going, but they don’t keep you there. I don’t -- and never did -- advise playing any games with women, pal. But here’s the way the strategy works: You have no idea what a woman’s motives are when you meet and why she’s with you. You’re going out with a complete stranger. So what I’m telling guys is that they have to go in SLOWLY, keep their eyes open and look for red flags. If that’s playing games, then sign me up for the Olympics!

missing the point

You completely missed my point if you think that I want a woman to know a guy’s not interested. What turns them on is when they know you had a good time on the date. The truth is that the woman knows on a gut level what your Interest Level is. So what you’re doing by hanging back and not draping yourself all over a girl is being playful instead of a game-player. Then you have her thinking to herself, “Look at the Self Control this guy has! Every other guy in the world would have phoned me four and a half hours after our first date, said what a great time we had and by the way can we get together next Saturday night?” And you know what that does, man? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It absolutely blows up Challenge.” And you missed another important point, pal. Women are supposed to chase you to win you over. Because when they have to fight to get you, it lasts longer and they respect you more.

women are less confident But you think women can’t take it because they aren’t as confident as men. Hey, Roman, you should be giving speeches to women’s groups in colleges -- they’d just love that statement! ALL WOMEN ARE CONFIDENT when it comes to men and women. They may not be so sure of themselves flying an airplane or uncorking a champagne bottle, but when it comes to men they have us down cold. Like my cousin General Love says, “You guys have no idea what you’re going up against!” And what’s worse, men talk down to women when they’re clueless about what women want or need. Clinically sane women will look at men’s teasing, flirtatious behavior as playfulness. That kind of confident behavior is going to make insecure women feel more insecure -- and I don’t want you with insecure women in the first place. To you Psych majors, insecure women hate Challenge. But self-reliant women with good attitudes love Challenge. So "The System" protects guys by weeding out the women who aren’t good enough -- the numbers with too many scars and baggage. Sorry about that!

player or not? Buddy, if you use Challenge on a woman who has all her marbles, she isn’t worried that you’re a player -- she wonders if you’re a player. There’s a big difference. And she’s also wondering if she can catch you and if she can get you to want to give up all the other girls, which is an attractive notion. So that’s one thing you hit right on the head, Roman: You want her to think that every other girl in town wants you. Because when her Interest Level is way up in the 90s, she thinks you’re the best-looking guy out of 3 billion men. Ask any woman if you don’t believe me. See how Doc Love responds to Roman’s enlightening comments… Your theories about stress are really amusing, guy. You’re piling one lie on top of another. Showering a babe with attention and concern is only going to lower her Interest Level. It has nothing to do with stress. When you use Challenge on the girl with low Self-Esteem and on

the girl that has been hurt a lot she is going to react by bitching and moaning and her Interest Level is going to waver. Then you’re going to blame my techniques for screwing you up. But as I tell you in "The System," you have to give me something to work with. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Don’t bring me these loonies!” Your theory on what stress breeds makes for a great sentence, but it has nothing to do with this article. Sure, I want her to forget this guy! I hope she gets rid of you! That’s how my principles protect you. If a woman can’t take a little teasing and have patience with my playful game plan in the beginning, then I don’t want to keep her anyway. I want someone who’s got a sense of humor and who’s playful.

women want control So, women want control? You’re kidding! You got me on that one, Roman! Gee, I never would have known! The point is not that a guy can have any woman he wants, but that he picked her and now they’re happily married. And she knows he would never mess around because the guy is loyal, secure and he’s also a playful Challenge. Rain started with very high Interest Level because of your looks -- then you started talking! Let me get this straight, you met this girl, you waited seven days to call her and that just really messed with her head, right? Then you spent four and a half hours with her and because you didn’t call her right afterward she was confused and scared, right? Then you’re going to tell me that you went out with her again, had a great time, waited another seven days to call her and this created even more confusion and she’s practically out of her mind? I say good riddance! That’s the whole point and I want it that way, because Challenge cleans the place up. Next, you want me to believe that all women have a history of being hurt. How is it that women will do 90% of the dumping? It’s the guys that are getting beat up, my friend. Roman, do you happen to belong to the National Liberation of Women movement?

roman’s report card Dude, good for you that you look like George Clooney or Pierce Brosnan or Brad Pitt. With your looks you should be choosing from tons of women, especially if you could understand my philosophy, but you’re missing it completely. It’s astonishing because I can tell by your letter that you’re a very intelligent man. But when it comes to women, you get a D. This is the truth of the matter: "The System" protects you. It doesn’t hang you over a cliff. It keeps you in the center of the road. Remember, guys: Some guys just don’t get it.

What Turned Her Off? Hey Doc, What is it with women these days? A friend of mine took me to a really cool bar last weekend and we happened to run into an old acquaintance of his, Audrey, whom I had never met. There was instant chemistry between us; she was just the sweetest thing. We were both a little tipsy, but that only added to the fun we were having. We had so much in common. We’re in pretty much the same business -- she likes the same kind of music and has the same sense of humor as me. About 30 minutes into our conversation, she asked me if I was seeing someone and told me that she was single. I was getting ready to ask her for her phone number because it looked like the whole thing just couldn’t get any better -- and it didn’t.

mr. unknown All of a sudden she jumped up from her seat and started talking to this guy who was walking by. I mean, she actually went up to him and struck up a conversation. They stood there talking for quite some time and she completely ignored me. “Do you know this guy?” I asked my buddy. He didn’t. “Did I say something wrong?” He told me I had actually said a few things to her that were “out of character” coming from me (hey, I was just trying to be funny), but nothing that might have put her off. My friend always has great luck with the ladies and just KNOWS how to talk to them, so I took his word for it. 30 minutes into Audrey’s conversation with Mr. Unknown, I decided that it was time for a “strategic withdrawal” because she just seemed very deeply absorbed in their little chat and never even once looked at me again. On the way out, I walked past her and said the usual, "Nice talking to you and see you around." I was going to ask for her phone number, but decided not to when she gave me a distinctly indifferent look.

getting snubbed So Doc, what happened? My friend said he could get me Audrey’s phone number if I wanted it and maybe put in a good word for me, but I figure it’s best to let it go. Maybe that guy was just an old friend, but then why did she ignore me? Guy - who’s still scratching his head

doc love’s answer Hi Guy, What is it with women these days? Pal, let me enlighten you: If you don’t do absolutely everything right, you’re history. That’s what’s with women these days. Don’t believe me? Ask Paul McCartney: He’s a billionaire, one of the most famous men on the face of the

planet, a genius -- and he’s getting nagged. He can’t do anything right as far as his wife is concerned. You’d think she’d be happy to be where she is, but no cigar. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, it’s brutal out there.” Doc Love explains what to say when a girl asks if you’re seeing anyone… When Audrey asked you if you were seeing someone, I’d like to know what you answered. What you should have said was, “I’m seeing three girls right now. It gets a little tricky, as you might imagine.” Then you should have smiled like Jack Nicholson. But, Guy, I have a feeling that you didn’t. I have the feeling that you tamely said, “No one at all; I’m available, especially for you.” You were about as much of a Challenge as the French were during World War II.

30 minute wasteland I don’t doubt for a second that you and Audrey had a lot in common. But did you ever think that she might have had a lot in common with this new guy in the bar too? Maybe she’s got a lot in common with all kinds of guys, because the only commonality she’s looking for is the fact that you’re all males. And you had something in common with Mr. Unknown, too: You got 30 minutes, and he got 30 minutes. To top it off, when she set eyes on Mr. Unknown, Audrey completely ignored you. Sounds like a real classy lady you were rapping with!

i’m funny, i promise When you say you were trying to be funny, buddy, I need you to give me some specifics. You guys have a tendency to give me fuzzy generalities that really don’t tell me much of anything. Remember, you have to report exactly what happened in order for me to hone in on what your problem is -- aside from the fact that you’re trying to win over someone who looks like a double for Shakira. But I’ll take your word that you were just kidding with Audrey. When she got so deeply absorbed in a conversation with the new fellow, you should have strolled around the bar and talked to as many women as you could have. You needed to pretend like Audrey didn’t exist, but instead you stood there waiting for this bimbo to notice you again. You might have picked up some numbers while you toured the bar. Remember to do that the next time you realize you’re getting deep-sixed by some chick at a club. When Guy left the bar, he should have done it the right way…

always get the digits Why in the world would you go up to her and say, “Nice talking to you,” after she just spent the last half hour insulting you by draping herself all over another guy like a cheap suit? Like

my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You ain’t really that desperate, are you, boy?” But dude, if you were going to say bye to her anyway, you should have asked for Audrey’s phone number, regardless. In fact, you should have asked for it right in front of that other guy. I don’t care if she’s standing there with her parents, you have to go after that phone number. Don’t waste your time being polite and considerate. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Just think about how polite and considerate she was to you.” Do you want to know what happened with this babe? You didn’t have 10 dates in with her. Until that happens, nothing means anything to her. You have absolutely no beachhead unless you have at least those 10 dates in with a girl. Buddy, a girl can tell you that you’re the greatest thing since Enrique Iglesias and say anything else to you during the course of a half hour conversation, and it doesn’t mean horse manure to a tree.

get out of high school Why would you want your friend to put in a good word for you, Guy? You’re already out, man. You don’t have to worry about letting anything go. Audrey lost interest in you the minute she leaped off that bar stool and did a 9.1-second dash after Mr. Unknown. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It was a pretty good indication that she was giving you the heave-ho when she pretended she couldn’t tell you apart from the waiter.” But I don’t care if that guy was her brother who was living in Japan and she hadn’t seen him in 10 years, she could have introduced you to him, she could have been polite to you and she could have bowed out gracefully. But, like I said, this broad has no class and no manners -that’s why she’s a broad.

at the end of the day Why did she ignore you, Guy? She ignored you because you had her mixed up with someone that had a high Interest Level. Let me remind you again that there’s no comparison between 30 minutes of conversation and 10 full dates. At the end of the day, Guy, your expectations were way too high. Just because a woman talks to you for a half hour doesn’t mean anything. Remember: Conversation means nothing -absolutely nothing. Remember, guys: When the ether wears off, you’re out.

Should You Wait On Her?

Hey Doc, Two years ago, I met Taylor online. We instantly clicked. Seven months later, we decided to move in together. I was considering marrying her too. Well, a few months ago things changed -- Taylor broke up with me. I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt that she had not given our relationship a fair chance. She called me and said, “You’re right. I think we need to spend more time together and see where things go.” Well, I kept asking her to see me, and every time she made excuses about why she couldn’t. I sent her an e-mail and told her I was sick of it. She apologized and promised she would make things better. In the meantime, I met Dana, an absolutely wonderful woman. She called me all the time, said she wanted to see me, and came right out and said she liked me. One day she asked “So when are you going to ask me to be your girl?” Anyway, Dana has been hanging in there ever since. She’s a Giver, very sweet and she makes me feel special.

but i still love her… But my heart is still with Taylor. Why can’t I get over Taylor when I have Dana, practically falling all over me? I e-mailed Taylor recently and told her that all I ever wanted was for someone to treat me right and be there for me, and I added, “Obviously you can’t provide that, so it’s time I meet someone who will.” She then asked me to dinner to “talk.” We went out, and she told me: “I was never in love with you. I think you are a great guy and I want you as my friend. Maybe sometime down the line we can get back together.” I knew what that meant. It translates into: “Howie, I want to string you along because I found someone else and I need you as a backup in case it doesn’t work out.” No way, I told her. This date was a chance for her to throw one last punch at me, and I fell for it.

and then there’s dana… In the meantime, Dana has been waiting patiently. She called and said, “I miss you. I want to see you.” What I can’t understand is why I’m hung up on a woman who won’t give me the time of day, and pass on one who is good-looking, sweet and giving. Doc, I realize I’ve made some mistakes. Will you help me? I’ve had such bad luck with women. Can you make sense out of any of this? Howie - who can’t take getting beat up anymore

doc love’s answer Hi Howie, Your first mistake was moving in with Taylor too soon -- way, way, WAY too soon. What have I told you guys again and again? You have to go in SLOW. You can never go in too slow. Apparently you didn’t follow my advice. Rejection hurts. Doc tells you how to let it go…

It doesn’t matter that you wanted to marry Taylor, pal. The only thing that counts is if she ever considered marrying YOU. Remember: The most important tenet of "The System" is that it’s her Interest Level that matters -- not yours.

she gave you seven months, pal! You think Taylor didn’t give your relationship a fair chance? Hey -- she gave you seven months! What more do you want? But you still want to see where things go. Dude, on her side they can only go from 40% to 49%. But don’t hold your breath -- Taylor’s Interest Level is never going to see 51%. You already blew your chance. Isn’t it funny how women always have excuses not to see you when their Interest Level is lower than 50%? I can’t imagine why! And you didn’t really get all kinds of tough with Taylor and tell her off, Howie. You begged. What you did by listing all the stuff she never did for you is called begging. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Here you’re finally standing up for your rights, and she’s in the arms of another man!” Sadly for you, pal, you’re already in the past. You’re so far in the past it’s not even funny. But Taylor promised to make things better. She should have said she was going to up her Interest Level, but we know that’s impossible.

everyone likes a challenge Know why Dana can’t get enough of you? Because of your love for the other girl, Taylor, you were a Challenge to her. That’s why Dana fell for you. And that’s what all the other love doctors would miss in this situation -- the importance of CHALLENGE. There’s no mystery at all about why you can’t get over Taylor: REJECTION DOUBLES INTEREST LEVEL. And so you went and e-mailed her again despite the shellacking you took. In other words, you’re still begging, right? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “How many letters are you going to send to this woman who can’t even remember what you look like?” And don’t delude yourself about Taylor’s abilities with men. She can certainly be there and provide good treatment for a guy -- another guy. You just happen to be the wrong guy. Learn to take “I don’t love you” as a sign of low Interest Level…

she never loved you But I do feel for you, buddy. When Taylor told you she was never in love with you over dinner, did you upchuck your filet mignon? You don’t really believe that she’s going to get together with you somewhere down the line, do you? She just told you she was never in love with you to start with! Which means her Interest Level was below 50% from the beginning.

The Reality Factor says that this is the biggest problem in a man's relationships with the opposite sex. And it also means that a girl will move in with you when her Interest Level is below 50%. Like I always tell you guys, 40% to 49% can look like high Interest Level, but it really isn’t. To you Psych majors, the only Interest Level that’s high is yours. Yours is in the 90s. It’s out of control. Hers should be in the 90s before you get involved with her. That’s the whole point of my techniques.

you’re doing okay But Howie, don’t feel bad for being KO’d by Taylor’s left hook. Ninety percent of all guys are cut down by women’s punches -- even big, huge football players. You actually have great luck with women, my friend. You have one who moved in with you, and you have another one waiting in the wings. You’re fantastic at getting women. You just don’t know how to hold onto them, that’s all. Your Interest Level in Taylor is way too high, man. Taylor’s is 40%, and yours is 100%. And that’s what rejection does -- it will distort reality and drive you completely nuts. But take comfort. Like an old sage once said, “Time is mankind’s greatest healer.” And you have the advantage that you can get into your other girl. You’re lucky that you have a backup! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Do you know how many guys go it alone after they get dumped?” You already have a babe in the bullpen, so you’re doing all right. But you have to learn to appreciate Dana before she decides to walk out on you too. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Will She Forgive You? Hey Doc, I’ve been in a relationship with Jill for eight months now. In the fourth month of our relationship I cheated on her with my ex-girlfriend. I haven’t talked to my ex-girlfriend since. I felt guilty about it the minute I did it and told Jill that I was unfaithful with a girl a week after we met when we weren’t committed yet, which is obviously a lie. This has caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I continued to feel guilty about what I did, and just a couple days ago I told Jill that I was actually unfaithful to her with my exgirlfriend. She promptly asked me to get out and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

didn’t keep the studies up I used to follow "The System" when I was in college and it was a great help with women, but I got overconfident and forgot the basics. When I opened your book yesterday, I realized how much I should have kept studying it. Doc, do you think that my relationship with this gem, Jill, is over because of my mistake? Do you think that even if it does work out that she’ll probably want to get back at me to make sure things are “equal”? What about the chances that she’ll cheat on me?

crashing interest level I know that Jill’s Interest Level was off the charts at the beginning. She begged me to move in with her and talked about having my kids and getting married. Could my blunder have driven Jill’s Interest Level from 90% to 49%? Should I bother trying to make it work? If so, how can I do it? I know I’ve hit you with a ton of questions, but I would greatly appreciate any responses that you can give me. Josh - who messed up big time

doc love’s answer Hi Josh, You cheated with your ex? What were you thinking? You’ve got a good, loving girl, and what do you go and do? You allow your ego to lead you into breaking your contract with this girl. And even worse, you did it with an ex! That’s a double no-no. Doc Love might be a ladies man, but he has principles… To you Psych majors, you have to ask yourself this question: Why am I playing with fire? Why am I doing something dangerous like this when I have such a good deal? Your situation reminds me of when Hugh Grant cheated on the delicious Liz Hurley. Within a couple years of his peccadillo, it was all over. It took a little longer for Liz to get rid of Hugh than for Jill to dump you, but your mistake killed it.

one-woman man Now let me tell all you guys something. I’m against any kind of fooling around when you’re going with somebody. But if you do happen to cheat, do you actually believe it’s going to increase your girlfriend’s Interest Level? And it’s not just guys who tempt fate -- women can be prone to the same thing. Then you blurt out: “Don’t take this personally, honey, but I got together with my ex behind your back. Please forgive me and love me more!” If you have to

tell somebody about what you did, tell everyone else in the world, all six billion of them, but just don’t tell Jill, for Pete’s sake. So your little indiscretion caused problems for you, Josh? Well, there’s the understatement of the year! Feeling guilty shows you have a conscience and that you’re not completely numb. At least when you told Jill what you did you left out the gory details. I’m glad you did something right.

walk in her shoes Then she asked you to beat it. Well, what else would you expect? Reverse the situation. How would you feel if Jill confessed infidelity to you? What would you tell her to do if the shoe was on the other foot? It goes without saying that you should have stayed with "The System," man. I’ve told you guys again and again that you have to study it every night for 10 minutes before you go to sleep, unless you’re married. But Josh, you got all full of yourself and decided to skip the basics. Your ego went running amok again. Or like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “It’s the ugly devil raising his head!” Again, you Psych majors, this stuff has to be memorized, and you can’t just walk away from it when you feel like you’re on top of things. But in your favor, you realized that you should have kept studying. Like my cousin General Love says, “There’s still hope in America!”

get ready for a beating Now, let’s get on to the ultimate question. The truth is that yes, your relationship with Jill is probably kaput. But I’ll do my best to save it. Of course she’s going to want to equal the score with you -- it’s human nature, Josh. You’re going to have to take a beating every time there’s an argument about anything. Whenever there’s a disagreement about something as small as which restaurant to go to, you’re going to hear about the terrible thing you did with your ex. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “This girl’s going to give the term ‘nagging’ new significance!” Jill’s Interest Level will be like a winning lottery number -- hard to guess… Sure, she’ll probably be tempted to cheat on you. Some girls will still hang around you and then go into revenge mode, just to make sure you really feel it. And when she does, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’ll have to sit there thinking about all those lonely guys hanging around the bars and clubs that she might run into.”

blunder down under

Guys, all guys, Interest Level is ALWAYS off the charts in the beginning. The problem is that it ends up on the floor when you deviate from my principles. When Jill was in love with you she begged you to move in and have her kids. That, dude, was 100% Interest Level. This babe was crawling all over you. But you tossed "The System." You walked away from the techniques that got this girl. A really, really good question is where your blunder will drive Jill’s Interest Level. Half the time when a guy screws up like this, it will go straight into the 30s or 40s. But let’s say you lucked out and it hadn't dropped to 49%; let’s say it stopped plummeting when it touched 51%. And let’s say you’re hanging by your fingertips from the side of a cliff, and Jill’s Interest is hovering somewhere between 51% and 55%. What you have to do in that case is disappear, and every time she calls you and dredges it up, you have to say, “I apologize, dear, it will never happen again.” And buddy, you’re going to have to be ready to say it 100,000 times, all through your marriage to this girl -- if she takes you back.

it’s a half-truth And here’s what the other love doctors don’t tell you. They say that you can rebuild the trust bond after it’s been ruptured, but I say it’s a half-truth. Now are you ready for this? Jill’s Interest Level is going to stay out of the 80s and 90s. Maybe it’s even going to stay out of the 70s. At best it will be 67% or 68%. Because since she was burned, she can’t give you that other 30% to get it back to where it was. On the other hand, with time, good behavior and your ability to endure the constant punishment you’ll be subjected to, what could happen is that Jill might even allow her Interest Level to get up to 80% or 85%. But it will never go into the 90s again. And there’s a good chance it will never even hit the 80s. It depends on the individual woman. Good luck, Josh. You’re going to need it.

a little s and m I always try and help you guys, as you know. My friend, you can try and make this thing work, but you’re facing real nasty odds. You’ve got to stay away from Jill. She has to call you up and you have to ask her out. And then she’ll say, “No. I just called you to tell you again what a jerk you are!” And you’ll have to say OK, honey, let me have it with both barrels. And she’s going to browbeat you for 20 minutes and then hang up. And you’ll just have to keep putting up with that until she gets some of the pain out of her system. But she won’t ever get it all out. Meanwhile, Josh, you’d better walk away and hustle other women, because your chances with Jill are lousy. And you have to ask yourself one more question: Do I want to live with a woman whose Interest Level will never be in the 90s? Remember, guys: if you’re Catholic, save it for the confessional.

How Much Does One Date Matter? Hey Doc, I’m a senior in high school and I love what you do. You always have really good advice, whether it’s in your column or on your radio show. Keep up the great work. Here’s my problem: I started hanging out with Natasha about a week ago. We hit it off from the start. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, but she’s also well-rounded and has a great personality. Doc, I really, really like her. This past Saturday night, her friend threw a party and Natasha and I went together. We talked for a while, and by the end of the night we were being very romantic and she kissed me three times on the lips without my making a move. Natasha said she really liked me, so I figured this one was in the bag. She doesn’t often go to parties and she doesn’t hook up with guys very much, so this was definitely something special.

she didn’t pick up her phone I told Natasha that I would call her the next day. I left a message on Sunday and she didn’t call back. Later that night, she sent me a text message saying she was too tired to talk, but that we’d see each other the next day at school. Here’s what I don’t get: Natasha was all over me Saturday night, but she wouldn’t even phone me back when I called her. Today, when we saw each other in school, she was a little awkward around me and she stayed close to her friends more than usual. We agreed to hang out this weekend, but she wasn’t that enthusiastic about the idea. Doc, I really like this girl and I’d love to have a relationship with her. I don’t want this to be just a one-night hookup. So how do I communicate this to her without coming on too strong? Thanks for any help you can give me. Jose - who doesn’t want to say the wrong thing

doc love's answer Hi Jose, Thanks for the compliments. And let me suggest that the Dating Dictionary should be required reading for every senior in every high school. If it were, there’d be a lot less problems in the world -- guaranteed. Now Jose, with "The System," we don’t “hang out.” We go on dates. We get dressed up, sprinkle on a few drops of nice cologne, shine our shoes and brush our teeth. Then we paste

on a big smile, and when we get to the door, we say “Showtime!” We want the girl to know that we’re after her, but in a subtle and nonverbal fashion. We’re going to say it with our actions, because we don’t believe in talking about heavy stuff and giving our power away. She's young, but she's not as innocent as you think...

she doesn’t know what she wants I’m sure Natasha is all the things you say, Jose. No doubt she can pass for Maria Sharapova’s younger sister. And she’s one more thing: she’s 17-years young, which means she’s not fullygrown, and we all know that a young girl is nothing if not dangerous when it comes to falling in love. She doesn’t know what she wants yet. She’s just a baby, and so are you, but that’s all right. We all have to start somewhere. And I have no doubt that you’re crazy about her. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, so who wouldn’t like her? But the more important point is this: What’s HER Interest Level? Does she touch your arm five times whenever she sees you? Does she tail you around the halls at school trying to get your attention? That’s what you’re not telling me. And it’s the only thing that matters. Your big date with Natasha was more like a big mistake, buddy. And your first blunder was going on a group date. What have I told you guys a zillion times? No group dates. You should be taking this girl to different types of places around town -- unusual, unique places, like farout restaurants or the zoo, if there is one. Do things that other high-school guys don’t do. You’ll stand out in the crowd, believe me. I’m sure that Natasha said she liked you -- but she didn’t say it after 10 years of marriage. If she did, then you can do somersaults and back flips. The truth is, she said it after two hours. Two hours isn’t enough. Two hours is nothing.

she’s not that innocent Jose, I hate to break this to you, but Natasha does like go to parties and hang out with guys -she kissed you, didn’t she? Let’s get real here. How do you know what she does? Have you had a camera on this filly for the last 17 years, watching her every move? And she’s dropdead gorgeous to boot? This girl’s been chased since she was 12, man. She’s heavy duty. And you’re putting her way up on a pedestal. The truth is that you know nothing about Natasha. Absolutely nothing. And of course you ran and called her the very next day. Hey, she looks like she should be on the cover of Seventeen, right? Why don’t you just ask her to go steady already? Say, “Natasha, let’s go steady because I can’t wait -- I’m in a real hurry!” What you should have done was not answered Natasha’s text message at all. Like my cousin

General Love says, “Withdraw, soldier!” But, like most boys with big egos, and I’m talking about 45-year-old boys here too, you had to charge in and try and “fix” things. Anytime you get a mixed signal from a girl and you sense a drop in intensity, you should be GONE. Out of there. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re the newest member of the United States Federal Witness Protection Program, living in Podunk, Nebraska.”

her lack of effort is a sign Natasha didn’t call you back? Heck, I can see it. It’s really tough to make a phone call. She had to pick up the receiver, which weighs all of 14 ounces, then she had to punch in the digits and she had to say: “Listen, baby, I had a great time, and I’ll see you at school tomorrow. I’m dying to see you again, but I’m just out of gas. I don’t mean to be rude, but I knew you’d understand, because I took the 30 seconds necessary to call you due to my high Interest Level, and because I’m a classy girl and I’m always up front.” But she didn’t do that, did she? This beauty was all over you for one night -- and that’s all. I want her all over you for 10 dates. One night is nothing. Remember: UNTIL YOU GET TO 10 DATES, NOTHING COUNTS. What to do if she's losing interest... Know why Natasha didn’t phone you back? Because you’re pressing her. She’s a knockout. She’s dying inside for a Challenge, and all she finds is little boys pressing, pressing and pressing. You smooched three times and here you are falling in love forever, while she might be turned off. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, it’s time to grow up!

you’re trying too hard You should have phoned in sick to school the next day. You should have made her wonder where you were. Yet, you’re forcing Natasha to get together on the weekend. Here's a girl who is pulling back, and you keep pushing her. To you Psych majors, pressure never works in a romantic relationship -- period. Jose, if Natasha isn’t enthusiastic about getting together again, call her up on Thursday and break the date. I dare you. You say you listen to my radio show and you read my column, and then you make the statement that you want a long-term relationship. Apparently, Natasha wants just a one-night hookup and nothing else. But no, you’re thinking that you’re the only one. You’re the first one. No one has ever rapped to this babe from the time she was 12 to the time she turned 17. No other guy hass ever kissed her on a Saturday night. Dude, you keep thinking that. And keep smoking whatever you’re smoking.

make her go nuts

Like I said, it’s time to move to "Broken Butt," North Dakota. Because pal, you want Natasha pounding on your door, pleading with you to come out, calling you, begging to know what’s wrong because you haven’t gotten back to her and she’s left you three phone messages, texted you six times and you’re not giving her the time of day. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When she’s going nuts over you, then maybe we’ll give her another shot.” Remember, guys: When you sense a discrepancy in Interest Levels, it’s time to load up the car and buy a farm in North Dakota.

Keep Your Past In The Past Hey Doc, The girl of my affections is a secretary at the company I work for, where I’m one of the senior employees. Caitlin is 25 and I’m 32. We talked for the first time at a party. I bought a new cell phone and she started playing around with it, using it to take pictures of me and the other guests. She said, “I see my phone number is missing from your address book. I’ll add it,” and then she typed in her number.

she was into it at first To me, this indicated a high Interest Level. But a couple of days later, I learned that Caitlin had a boyfriend. This confused me a bit, but I still proceeded to invite her on a date. While driving home afterward, I made the big mistake of talking about one of my past relationships that ended in a “let’s just be friends” disaster. (I did not own "The System" at the time). I’m sure this is what made Caitlin’s Interest Level drop very quickly. She then sent me a small book called Friendship. The next day, I told her that I had to forget her. She said that “maybe” we could become more than friends in the future. I mostly ignored her from then on. A couple of months later, Caitlin left her boyfriend and we started seeing each other again. Suddenly, she was sending me all kinds of buying signals (holding my hand, visiting me in my office every day, looking for excuses to be with me more, and so on). We went out on a couple of dates that always ended nicely, but I did not go in for the kiss. I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, and that feeling stopped me from going in.

she went for someone else Two weeks ago, I went on a vacation to Africa. While I was away, Caitlin cared for my dog. She drove me to the airport and also picked me up when I returned (she had to take a day off work to do that). Two days later, my best friend at work revealed to me that Caitlin told him she has a new boyfriend -- another guy from our office. She asked my friend not to share this

information with anyone. Of course, she knew he’d tell me. I know I won’t be able to avoid seeing Caitlin at the office. I’m confused all over again. Was it a mistake not to go in for the kiss? Was she waiting for me to kiss her? Or was she just playing with me, using me as a stopgap measure until she found something better? Hank - who’s back to collecting phone numbers

doc love's answer Hi Hank, When Caitlin typed her number into your phone, you should have asked whether it was her home phone number or her cell phone number. Then you would have known right off the bat where you stood. Doc Love explains why you should never talk about your past on the first date... Hank, how can you say that one item -- just one single item -- indicates a high Interest Level? You need 60 items, guy! You can’t use just one buying signal; you need TONS of them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Dude, you’re a little too happy to jump on any scrap of affection. Didn’t your mommy love you when you were a little kid?” That said, it’s good that you got Caitlin out on a date despite the rumor of her having a boyfriend because you want to hear about this other guy directly from her lips. You don’t want to hear it from a stranger, or worse, from a blocker.

never bring up the past I’ve told you guys over and over NOT TO TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMEN OR PAST FAILED RELATIONSHIPS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING. But since you didn’t own "The System" at the time, you’re off the hook. But pal, keep it in mind in the future, it’ll save you lots of anguish. The real issue though, is not that your blabbing made Caitlin’s shaky Interest Level drop quickly -- it’s HOW FAR you made it drop. So this isn’t a good thing to do, my friend. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “How many times do you have to get your heart carved out before you stop spilling your guts?” Another problem with this scenario is that you’re putting yourself down. You’re telling this babe how you were such a loser that another girl had no choice but to dump you. And then she starts thinking, “Gee, I wonder if I’m going to have to do the same thing? Am I overrating this turkey? Maybe I should be dumping him.” In other words, you turned her off.

she'll overanalyze you See, what you guys don’t realize is that when you put a little bee in a girl’s bonnet, she’s going to look at it, play with it, and attack it from 50,000 different angles. And like my cousin General Love says, “Before you know what hit you, you’re in trouble.” Instead of the great hint Caitlin dropped when she gave you the little book called Friendship, she should have sent you the volume called Goodbye, Hank! Because she was definitely trying to tell you something, man. And then you go and tell her you have to forget her or you’ll die? The girl has a boyfriend, you’ve been out with her all of once or twice, and now you’re so tragically in love with her since she’s not available that you’re losing your grip. You can hardly stand to look at her anymore or your heart will break. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Man, I hope you don’t own any sawed-off shotguns!” Doc Love explains why you should never take a girl back... But not to worry: Caitlin is a gal with a heart. She said you might become more than friends in the future. Great! You know how I love definite maybes. And you know how well they work out.

never take her back But good for you that you tried to ignore Caitlin after she told you she only wanted to be friends. Too bad you didn’t keep ignoring her. When she dropped her boyfriend, you took her back too soon when she gave you a couple of buying signals. The bad part is that girls with Interest Levels of 40% to 49% will do that. And remember, you were going back to her. What have I always said about going back to a girl? YOU CAN’T DO IT. Now, on to your main question -- whether or not you should have laid a kiss on Caitlin. Buddy, on the second date you go in for the kiss -- all the time. No exceptions. But your gut was right. It was telling you that this girl didn’t like you and that she was just wasting your time. But that doesn’t mean you still can’t kiss her. To you Psych majors, no one’s perfect.

she was after something else It was very sweet of Caitlin to care for your mutt. But did you kiss her when you left the country? Did you kiss her when you got back? That’s what I want to know. You know why she was so generous with you, Hank? Because she’s a secretary and you’re a muckety-muck at your company. Yes, it was a boo-boo not to go in for the kiss. On the other hand, Caitlin wasn’t waiting around for you to kiss her either. She was just using you because you’re the boss. Like my

cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, she was either waiting for a new boyfriend or a promotion.” Remember, guys: You can’t go back -- ever.

Save The Arguing For Later Hey Doc, I’m writing to you to try and figure out where I went wrong. I purchased your book six months ago. I read it once, and every once in a while, I look through it. So far so good. I met Michelle at the store where I work. She used to come in for years and we were always cordial to each other. Finally, she gave me her phone number and I waited six days to call her. Things went well and we hit it off. We went out on a bunch of other dates over the next few months and they were also successful. Now here’s where the problem comes in. This past Saturday, we went out on a date and we had a little argument because she smoked pot with her friends a few hours before she saw me. I told her that I didn’t like her smoking pot. She told me not to tell her what to do. I said, “Okay, you have a right to live your own life.” The evening ended and I took Michelle home. She gave me a hug and that was that.

she broke it off A few days passed and we didn’t speak to each other. Finally, we connected online, and to make a long story short, she said she doesn’t want to continue to date me. In the past, she told me that she really liked me and had a crush on me for four years. Now I’m confused. I called her and asked her what made her feel this way, and she told me that “things just got weird between us.” I felt needy then and asked if there was still a chance for us. She didn’t say anything. Doc, I thought that Michelle’s Interest Level was higher than 49%. It seemed that she really liked me just a week ago. She put notes on my car telling me she missed me. I was cool with her and was never the Macho Boy or Wimpus Americanus. Now it’s all shot to hell. I would really appreciate it if you gave me some feedback on this situation. What did I do to make Michelle leave? Chuck - who’s still scratching his head

doc love’s answer Hi Chuck,

You didn’t just buy my book, pal. You made an investment in your future. You didn’t know it at the time, but you took precautions to protect your long-term mental health. So what did Chuck do wrong?

learn my material And that’s why it’s disappointing that you read The Dating Dictionary only once. Dude -- this material has to be memorized! I don’t know what it is with a lot of you guys. You think that just because this powerful manual is merely in your possession it’s enough, and now you have it made with the girls. But what you don’t get is that it’s a tool. If you don’t pick the tool up and use it, practice with it, and get comfortable with it until it brings out the manly strength qualities in your personality, you’re going to continue to make mistakes. And that’s why you’re in the boat you find yourself in right now. And Chuck, it’s obvious you haven’t memorized my book because I tell you in The Dating Dictionary to keep it light and funny -- no heavy subjects and no put-downs. Which, of course, is exactly what you didn’t do with Michelle. You put her down for something she likes to do, which violates my principles. Okay, so she’s into wacky weed, and you’re not a pothead. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Nobody’s perfect.” You can withdraw from the relationship gracefully and not ask her out anymore if you don’t like dopers. And by the way, why are you getting into arguments with a girl on a date when the reason for a date is to increase Interest Level? As the Chinese proverb goes, “Dates aren’t for proving a point, grasshopper.”

she was right Of course Michelle doesn’t want you telling her what to do. Can you blame her? She hit it right on the head when she told you to take a hike. Hey Chuckie -- I’m shocked that she doesn’t want to date you anymore! Like I said, if you don’t approve of her lifestyle, the solution is simple. Forget her. Don’t take her out anymore. But you didn’t do anything of the sort. You let Michelle dump you instead. Like my cousin General Love says, “You won the argument, but you lost the war.” But here’s what’s weird about you, Chuckles. You don’t care for babes who do reefer, but you’re calling this one up and begging to see her again. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you don’t even go by your own principles!” To you Psych majors, you can’t have it both ways. Sometimes, you just have to keep that big trap shut…

Even though Michelle told you that you were history, you whimpered about whether there was still a chance for you. She just told you that you were out, didn’t she? Does she have to explain to you that her Interest Level is 10,000 feet under water in the deepest part of the ocean before you get the drift? (And yeah, Chuck, I totally believe that you read my book only once -- your lousy performance proves it!)

keep your mouth shut You’re absolutely right that Michelle’s Interest Level was higher than 49%. Hey, it was way up in the 80s and 90s for four long years. The problem is, you went and opened your mouth. And it’s also true that Michelle dug you as recently as a week ago. But the operative words here are “a week ago” -- she doesn’t dig you anymore. And she used to miss you, my friend, but that’s over too. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “She’s already telling the new guy she misses him.” Chuck, I’ve got news for you. You were BOTH guys you thought you weren’t. You played Macho Boy by trying to dominate Michelle with your high-handed values, and then you turned Wimpus Americanus by going down on your knees and begging. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you’re that wishy-washy, it’s no wonder everything’s shot to hell.”

don't tell women what to do Here’s what you did to make Michelle leave: You told her what to do. And if she told you what to do, you wouldn’t like it either. (See girls, I’m not so bad!) Remember, guys: If you don’t like what she does, throw her number away -- but don’t harbor any illusions of changing her.

How Long Can You Stay A Challenge? Hey Doc, Let me start off by saying that I am a longtime fan and I reference your book whenever I am having problems in my relationships. However, I have had trouble finding something that specifically pertains to the problem I keep running into with my current girlfriend. Holly and I have been together for four years and we have a really good relationship despite some ups and downs. We get together about three times a week and talk on the phone twice a day pretty consistently. Sometimes I will notice that Holly’s Interest Level goes down, so when that happens, I try to make myself more of a Challenge. This usually works well, but there have been a few times when she responds to my being more of a Challenge with a LOT of anger.

she's a nagging machine These past few weeks, Holly has been more naggy, less affectionate, and she’s also snapped at me a few times, though she still asks to hang out with me and calls a lot. So I responded by being indifferent to her bossy or malicious remarks, and I’ve also stopped taking her orders when she wants me to hang out with her instead of with my friends. Last night, however, the tension reached a climax. Holly wanted to be with me, but I had planned to go out with my friends. I told her as a sort of compromise that she and her friends could come over to my place, and that I’d make them drinks and they could go out afterward. But she tried to convince me again to go out with her instead, and she quickly became very upset when I told her I couldn’t. I came up with valid excuses, but this sent her into an uncontrollable rage. I was able to calm her down a little and eventually just told her I had to leave, but not before she had laid into me for 20 minutes.

will she ever be nice again? I know that if I play this game -- holding my ground -- long enough, she will come around, but I don’t think it’s OK for her to scream at me and treat me badly. I also think that it’s bad for me to continue to stay indifferent and act like it never happened. I want to make her happy, but I need to get my own emotions out too or I will just end up bitter. I would really appreciate some advice on the best way to approach this situation. Leo - who’s reaching the end of his rope

doc love's answer Hi Leo, I occasionally get letters and e-mails from guys who complain about the same thing as you’re complaining about: “Help! I’ve read your book three times and can’t figure out which end is up.” Make no mistake about it, guys -- the answer to ANY question about women and dating IS in the book. But let’s go ahead, and if the answer isn’t there, I’ll apologize. Leo is partly to blame for his girlfriend's cruelty and lack of interest... So, you say have a good relationship with Holly. Leo, this should be a GREAT relationship. A SPECTACULAR relationship. There shouldn’t be ANY ups and downs. When you hook up with a babe, why would you settle for something that’s not incredible and exactly what you want? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got 50 years of trouble once you get hitched!”

you're not challenging enough You and Holly get together and talk on the phone HOW often? Dude… one-third of “The System” is Challenge! You two are so on top of each other all the time that there isn’t any room whatsoever for Challenge. Excuse me a second while I go drop a Quaalude!

Trying to make yourself a Challenge now is like closing the barn door after the bull got out. You should have stayed a Challenge from the get-go, Leo. Right now you’re more like a yoyo. You play hardball with Holly and get her to come at you, then when she does, you go straight back to being a wimp because you think she’s changed. You don’t see that it’s being a consistent CHALLENGE that will affect her and put her exactly where you want her.

when she's upset, use humor But as it is, Holly is getting really ticked off at you. A big part of being a Challenge is HUMOR. I hope you’re handling this situation with a good dose of humor, pal. Because when a girl’s Interest Level is down to 51% to 55%, and it’s headed down toward 49%, you’re going to need all the gentle humor you can muster. Remember: Jim Carrey, Vince Vaughn, Robin Williams, and Owen Wilson -- they’re the guys you want to channel when things get heavy. When Holly displays all this crazy, contradictory behavior, you have to disappear, my friend. Don’t take her phone calls. Don’t return them. Once she starts dissing you by screaming and yelling, you have to CUT IT OFF. You’re not dropping her, but you’re going to disappear for a couple of weeks and see if it shakes her up. Now let me get this straight. You’ve got heavy-duty relationship problems and you’re arranging a group date? After you own the girl, when everything is perfect, you can have the U.S. Navy over if you want. But when you’re mired in difficulties, the last thing you want is an audience complicating things. The fact is that with the kind of stuff you’re battling and arguing over, you shouldn’t have invited Holly over at all. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Better yet, invite all her friends and don’t invite her.” That’s playing super-hardball!

you're letting her attack you But you’re up against a woman displaying uncontrollable rage. Let me ask you a question, Leo. Is a woman who is in the grips of an uncontrollable rage -- when she’s stomping on your ego like a smoked-down cigarette -- loving? And Holly doesn’t show the least bit of restraint when she attacks you. She lets you have it with both barrels. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I’d hate to see what she’d do if she didn’t love you!” Don't worry about making her happy, worry about raising her Interest Level... This behavior of Holly’s says a lot not just about how low her Interest Level is, but also about the way she acts in combat: It means that every time you have an argument with this banshee, this is what you’re going to have to deal with. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Good luck, man. By the way, have you considered switching girlfriends?”

don't let her boss you around

By the time the debacle was over, you’d endured 20 whole minutes of a vicious tonguelashing. Worse, you hung around to take the beating. I don’t know what it is with you guys. Like the Bottom Line Factor says, “They give you the tiniest morsel of hope, then they beat on you nonstop.” Amazing. But you still think Holly will come around and forgive you. Leo, her Interest Level is nowhere near decent right now because it’s down in the 40s. What can you do with an Interest Level that low except wait around to get dumped? Her screaming and carrying on are part of her bad attitude. And the worst part for you is that it’s completely separate from the fact that she despises you. You’re on some la-la tangent here if you think this situation is going to take a turn for the better. What you need to do is get out of town. Let Holly chase you, then you’ll see if there’s any real hope left.

get her interest back You’re not here to make this girl happy, buddy. You’re here to raise her Interest Level. While you’re trying to make Holly happy, her Interest Level is swirling around the toilet bowl. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, “So why are you on this road, grasshopper?” It’s obviously the wrong one. Are you sure you have my book? Leo, right now your Interest Level is 100%. And you’re just grasping at straws. So forget about your emotions and being bitter. Those are the last things Holly cares about. Do your homework and study my book. Remember, guys: Until she wants to apologize, she doesn’t know how to find you.

Should I Joke About Her Looks? Hey Doc, I’m 35, live in England and have just purchased your book. I realize now that I’ve being doing the exact opposite of what you preach. No wonder I wasn’t getting anywhere with women and kept getting dumped after the first few dates. You probably know the sort of mistakes I was making: paying too many compliments, being too needy, never saying no, and being too eager. Now, I think that after all these years of unsuccessful dating I’m starting to see the light. Now here’s my question: When you’re flirting with a woman, do you think it’s OK to joke about her appearance? Not in a nasty way, of course, but in a lighthearted, funny way? In other words, a gentle bit of teasing. For example, if you work with the girl, you might say that you never see her doing any work and that all the inactivity is giving her a fat behind. Or, if she has had her hair done, can you say something like “I like it, but next time make sure they

do your roots as well?” The point is to throw out some bait about your interest, but to not come on too strong.

capricious about caprice The reason I ask is because I like a girl at work, and I know that “Caprice” had high Interest Level in me at one time. However, because I didn’t have “The System,” I made the same mistakes, such as pushing too hard, and her Interest Level dropped. I am hoping it’s not too late to turn things around, as I really like this girl. Maybe some easy joshing would help? By the way, Caprice is currently breaking up with the guy she lives with. They have been together a few years and she is having a really hard time with things, as she wants to walk out but doesn’t really have a lot of options on where she can go. We have kissed on a couple of occasions, but no more than that. With so much on her mind at the moment, I don’t want to put any pressure on her, but at the same time I hope I wasn’t just a rebound thing either. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Anton - who’s trying to figure out what to do next

doc love’s answer Hi Anton, What you did after getting a hold of my book -- examining yourself and becoming increasingly self-aware -- is what most men don’t do. Most guys will never sit down and write the names of the last 10 girls they went out with and figure out what went wrong, who dropped whom, whose fault it was, and then take a long, hard look at those ugly numbers. Why? Because the male ego wouldn’t allow them to even think of something like that. “All women are illogical and unpredictable” -- that’s the excuse men use to rationalize their failures with the opposite sex. Doc Love lectures Anton on the rules of mentioning a woman’s looks… Anton, all the blunders you’ve made through the years with girls can be boiled down to a single phrase: “Too happy to be there.” Remember guys: You never want to be too happy just to be there.

joking about her looks Now let me get this straight. You want to WHAT? JOKE ABOUT A WOMAN’S APPEARANCE? NEVER.

Let me repeat myself so you guys hear it loud and clear -- NEVER! The Reality Factor says you NEVER talk about a woman’s appearance, unless it’s in a POSITIVE manner. If you don’t, you’re courting disaster, not romance. You think you’re sensitive? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you make fun of a babe’s body, you’re either stupid or you’re looking to get dumped.” Remember something else, Anton, what’s funny to you -- whether it is crow’s-feet, cellulite, or dark roots -- isn’t funny to her. Remember, she is female. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She has four legs and a tail like a dog, but she’s a cat.”

loose in the caboose But OK, you want to tell her she’s getting a flabby fanny because you think it’s cute. You’re on the right track, pal, but you might as well say, “Honey, I think your butt is as big as Nebraska.” All women would just love to hear something like that, wouldn’t they? And that crack about her roots -- you know what you’re saying here, dude? It’s like your mom is telling you, “Ant, you look great in your new outfit, except the buttons on your coat look like hell.” Think about it. If your mom said that to you, how would you feel?

the wrong kind of bait You’re not really throwing out bait about your interest when you make those comments. What you’re really doing is putting the girl down. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you talk about the fact that her butt looks like the south end of a northbound pony, do you really think you’re going to get in good with her?” As far as your fix with Caprice is concerned, it depends on how much damage you’ve already done. And you know what I think about going back to a girl once her Interest Level is swirling in the toilet. But since you work with Caprice, ask her out to coffee -- only ask her once. The last thing you need is a harassment case flying in your direction. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “No girl is ever worth losing your income over.” What should Anton do until Caprice discards her beau?

she’s off limits, but make her want you You tell me now that Caprice is breaking up with her live-in boyfriend? In that case, don’t spend any time with this girl. You just smile at her, and make sure she sees you when all the other girls are giggling, touching your arm and bumping into the side of your body when you’re standing at the water cooler or getting your coffee. And that’s all you’re going to do. Caprice has to be completely out of her boyfriend’s hair. Until then, she’s not available.

What do you mean this girl doesn’t have any options? You mean to tell me that Caprice is 25 years old, gainfully employed, and she has never saved a dime and can’t come up with firstand last-month’s rent? Is that what you’re telling me here? To you Psych majors, this girl’s a real winner. But you’re smitten with her anyway. And you’re kissing her when she lives with somebody else. Buddy, you shouldn’t even be doing that. But I’ll grant you this -- she’s got Interest Level if she’s smooching with you. First, though, she’s got to move out. And don’t forget that she can’t come up with the security deposit!

you can score on a rebound You might very well have been a rebound item for Caprice, my friend, but what you’re going to do is this: Let her move out, and if the boyfriend doesn’t call or hang around her anymore, that’s when you invite her for coffee. But not until you know the ex is out of the picture for a fact. So here’s my advice: DISAPPEAR until the boyfriend disappears. Remember, guys: If you want her to like you more, tell her how nice she looks -- but only once.

Approaching On Her Rebound Hey Doc, I am a new student who wishes he'd had your book 15 or 20 years ago, as it’s really opened my eyes to the key to successful dating. It would have prevented me from making the same old mistakes again and again. I am now 35 and I hope it’s not too late to change the way I go about things because, up until now, my dating experiences have not exactly been what you would call successful.

she asked for space Now here’s my problem. I was getting close to Sabrina, who I work with. Then she asked for some space while she sorted things out at home with her boyfriend, who she lived with. I took this to mean that her Interest Level in me dropped and that she was saying this to prevent my feelings from being hurt. I backed off and was polite to her when I saw her at work and made small talk when necessary, but I tried not to let my very high Interest Level show.

she left him

Last week, Sabrina moved out and has now gone home to stay with her mother. I’ve avoided her at work, as I don’t want to be in her face while she is going through what must be a very stressful time. Is this the right thing to do? The last thing I want is to put any sort of pressure on Sabrina or make her feel awkward in any way. I must stress that she didn’t move out because of our relationship, because there isn’t one. She moved out because she was unhappy, simple as that.

should he wait? I guess what I’d like to know, Doc, is how you would have played things and what I should do in the days and weeks ahead. Should I just forget about Sabrina even though I really like her or should I keep giving her the space she wanted and then ask for a date in the future? If so, how long should I wait before I ask her? One last thing: I bought Sabrina a book she’s interested in. Should I give it to her? If so, when? I just wanted to do something nice for her to cheer her up a bit. Many thanks, Doc, for all your time and help. Tyson -- who hopes he hasn’t already screwed it up.

doc love's answer Hi Tyson, When you say you made mistakes over and over again, you really said a mouthful. What a guy doesn’t realize is that when he goes out with Sally, then Lynn and then Mary, and they all dump him, they dump him for some variation of the same reason. If he’s a Macho Boy, they don't like him because he tries to dominate. And if he’s a Wimp, they get rid of him because they grow tired of giving him orders. But the common denominator is waning Interest Level. Learn from Tyson's mistakes... But rest assured, Tyson, as long as you’re breathing and you love women, “The System” will help you tremendously.

she wanted space for a reason You say you were getting close to Sabrina. Were you trying to get close to her or -- and this is the vastly more important question -- was she trying to get close to you? Because what we have to be talking about here is not your Interest Level -- it’s her Interest Level. Her Interest Level is the only thing that matters, not yours. On to the issue of space: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Man, anytime a babe uses the word ‘space,’ you’re in deep trouble.” Because when she pulls out that dreaded word,

it means her Interest Level in you is drooping into the 40s or the 50s (most likely the 40s) and she is turned off.

she was never interested It’s possible that Sabrina’s Interest Level dropped, but more likely it was never there in the first place. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Maybe you were just projecting your Interest Level onto her like most males -- and monkeys -- do.” Gosh, Tyson, you couldn’t really have read my book and believed that this girl was “protecting your feelings,” could you? Where in the world did you get that idea? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you gotta lay off the Jack Daniels!” Again -women only care about their Interest Level. If they don’t have high Interest Level, they couldn't care less about you. It’s the nature of the beast. Like the Reality Factor says, low Interest Level means she doesn’t give a farthing for your feelings.

don't show your interest Of course you can’t put your very high Interest Level on display at your job. In fact, you should have been letting this girl come to you all along, and not vice versa. You think Sabrina’s going through a stressful time? Dude, her ex-boyfriend’s the one who’s freaking out -- he just got dumped! Heck, Sabrina’s happy! She’s ecstatic! She’s free to do whatever she wants. She’s already looking for the next turkey, don’t you get it? So don’t back off from her. If I were you, I’d just go ahead and ask her out right now. Since she’s living with her mom now, you can just get it over with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When she turns you down, you can throw the number away and forget the whole thing once and for all.” Find out what Tyson should have done...

don't pressure her Now let me explain something to you. You can only put pressure on women with low Interest Level. To you Psych majors, you can’t put pressure on a girl with high Interest Level, because she already digs you a lot. The only reason Sabrina will feel awkward is because she already told you once that she needs her space and you want to keep bugging her. Until she knocks on your door, you should have nothing to do with her. In the meantime, make all the other girls at the office laugh like Jim Carrey would, and leave it at that. Buddy, you don’t have a relationship going with this girl. She had low Interest Level in this other guy and she wanted her space. She got her space by breaking up with him. And she told you she wanted her space and that’s why you think you’re going to be pressuring her. Psych 101.

you should have stayed away Once you found out Sabrina was living with a guy, you should have backed off until she moved out. But you were hustling her while she was shacking up. Big mistake. I wouldn’t ask this babe for a date in the distant future because you already asked her once and she said no. If she’s interested in you, she’ll come on to you. The death knell was her use of that terrible word -- “space.” How long should you wait before you ask her out? Like my cousin General Love would say, “Until Armageddon!”

don't give her gifts Now why would want to give a gift to a girl you’re not dating? Unless you’re seeing her, don’t give her anything. In the second place, you don’t spring for a gift until she’s in love with you. You’re so far ahead of yourself it’s not even funny. Are you sure you read my book? Tyson, let’s get real. You don’t really want to cheer Sabrina up. You want to trumpet your Interest Level like most guys do. You could care less about showing Sabrina sympathy. Why don’t you just give the book to someone else in the office who doesn’t care about you, or somebody you don’t care about? Think about it. Remember, guys: when she’s living in sin, forget it.

Don't Be Needy Hey Doc, Cherry is a designer I met through a mutual business contact. I am a tile setter and did a few jobs for her. She said she would like to get together for a drink or dinner and we did. At the end of the evening, we hugged and I said I’d like to take her out again. I called her a week later and we made a date for lunch and a museum. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking while we were eating. I’m not sure if Cherry noticed, but it seemed that she changed soon after that. At the end of the date, she gave me a hug and I gave her three daisies. I waited five days, then called her and got her answering machine, so I left a message about getting together on the weekend. I didn’t hear from her and let the weekend pass. On the following Tuesday, I called again, and again I got her machine. I knew something was wrong and thought back to my shaking hands. I said that I wouldn’t be mad at her if she had had a change of heart, but that I did want her to understand that I didn’t want anything to happen to our growing friendship.

the dreaded friend zone A few days later, I got an e-mail from Cherry saying that her heart was not in a relationship, but that she would like to continue the friendship. I then wrote back saying that I was sorry, and that I was growing fond of her and felt bad that I made her have to write the letter in the first place. I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks until she called wanting me to do a small tile-setting job for a client. Then she asked me to come to her home to pick out a paint color for her walls, and said that maybe we could go out together and pick up the paint. Now I’m getting really confused about what she wants. I know enough not to jump into anything too soon, but how should I handle this? Is it possible that this is a second chance for me? I plan on just being myself and not looking for anything that isn’t there, but thanks for any advice you can give me to help my cause. Wesley - who’s trying not to get his hopes up

doc love’s answer Hi Wesley, Why in the world are you telling this woman you want to take her out again? Putting aside the popular myth -- perpetuated by Feministas like Oprah -- that women want guys who spill their guts, let’s suppose Cherry wants a man who plays it cool and would rather drag his interest out of him. Well then, you blew it, pal. To boot, the goal is to try and read her Interest Level, and the way to do it is by not coming on heavy. To you Psych majors, if you come on like gangbusters, you’re going to LOWER her Interest Level. It’s okay to be nervous, but try to hide it…

it’s normal to be nervous It’s okay that your hands shook when you were out with Cherry. I don’t know if you’ve memorized my material yet, but either way we’re going to help you. Let’s say you knew your hands were going to shake -- that it’s happened before. Well, then, you should have done something else with this girl where she couldn’t see your hands shaking -- like taking her to an IMAX movie. Then do it for two or three dates until you get comfortable with her and your hands stop shaking. But of course Cherry changed after she saw you doing the Saint Vitus Dance. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She looked over at you and saw you juggling, but she didn’t see no balls in the air!” So why would she want to go out with you again? But her lack of interest wasn’t stopping you, dude. You went ahead and presented her with a bouquet. Why are you giving this stranger flowers? We want her wondering how many

women are chasing you, versus how many women are rejecting you because you’re needy and you come on too strong. How did you think this girl was going to interpret your mushy gesture? Remember, guys: Unless it RAISES Interest Level, don’t do it.

you came on too strong But you weren’t finished. You called Cherry and left her a message. Why didn’t you just ask her to meet you at the jewelry store so you two could pick out the ring? You didn’t really “let” the weekend pass, buddy. You act like this girl’s dying to see you. How can you say you “let” it pass? What are you trying to do, save face here? Come on, guy, don’t try and snow me -- I’ve been in sales all my life! You knew something was wrong, all right, except that you thought it was Cherry’s answering machine that wasn’t working. But you insist that you two have a growing friendship. Guy, she doesn’t return phone calls! You call that a growing friendship? Like my cousin General Love says, “I call that Death.” Wesley, please, you have to lay off the Gallo!

don’t be a wimp Now, dude, why would you tell someone who doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship with you that you want to have a relationship with her when she just told you she wasn’t interested? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Did you do it because you’re a great listener?” Does Wesley still have a chance? YOU apologized for making HER write a letter? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I’m sticking the gun in my mouth right now!” I can’t believe you, Wes. You’re giving me wimp chills! But at least you’re going to get some money out of the deal even though Cherry rejected you. It’s great that she wants you to help her pick out her paint. If it were me, I would have told her, “By the way, when you make out the check, it’s 40 bucks an hour!”

it’s just business But on the other hand, you’re getting a free dinner out of it. Look at it this way: Maybe Cherry wrote you off, but she likes your work. And as my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Consider the economics of it -- she keeps giving you leads.” So stay on the business track, Wesley, and forget the romance. And by the way, how do you set tile when your hands are shaking?

But you’re still confused about what she wants. Dude, she doesn’t want to be with you. Her Interest Level in you is 1%. CORRECT. I said 1%.

here’s a reality check You’re not about to jump into anything? My friend, you’ve been jumping around like a Tasmanian kangaroo! You think you’re getting a second chance? Yeah, and you’re going to win the Powerball drawing next week, too! Wesley, you’re out. What does this girl have to do, hire a hit man for you to get the drift? Like the Reality Factor says, “What are her actions?” Hey, she doesn’t call you back! But the good part is she’s getting you business, and that’s the main thing here. You’re making dough off this woman. Usually, when they drop you, they won’t give you the time of day, but this one’s shooting you leads. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “The only downside is that maybe she’s looking for someone to paint her walls for free.” Remember, guys: The key to women is not charging in.

She's Fooling Around Hey Doc, I’ve been an avid fan of "The System" since I started seriously dating, but I’ve only just begun to apply your techniques after experiencing many failures. I’ve been dating Donna for a year. She’s gorgeous -- the kind of girl a guy can’t take his eyes off of, so I guess I should have known what I was up against. Well, the week of our anniversary I got a call from a guy who says that he and Donna have been dating for the past two months. I didn’t know what to think, as you might imagine. When I confronted Donna about it, she admitted they’d been communicating, and that she did it because I seemed to have less time for her and she thought I was seeing someone else. I wasn’t. She apologized and told me that she still wants to work on our relationship.

he calls again The guy had the nerve to call me again and said that Donna is still trying to play both sides of the fence. She swore to me when I asked her about it that she would stop talking to him. Then, at a party she threw, I showed up and the guy was there. I couldn’t believe it. Donna danced with him even though she knew I was there. I ended up talking with her mother, who confided that Donna likes both of us. According to her, her daughter wants to be with me in the long term, but she really likes hanging out with this other guy.

So right then and there I went ahead and confronted Donna and this other guy. I asked her if she is going to choose him over me and she said no. Later, she told me that she has not been intimate with the guy, but the guy told me afterward that he’s gotten very romantic with her, if you catch my drift. Doc, who should I believe and what should I do? I’m going absolutely crazy over this. Vic - who’s confused and heartbroken in North Carolina

doc love’s answer Hi Vic, I feel for you, my friend, but when something like this goes down, you have to figure one of two things is happening: Either this other guy is lying through his teeth because he’s a heavyduty blocker and wants your girl for himself, or he’s telling you the truth. It’s one or the other. Like I always tell you guys: You have to become a forensic love cop in order to successfully compete in this arena. Otherwise, like my cousin General Love says, “You don’t know which end is up, a distinct disadvantage when it comes to dealing with women.” She's flirting with him in front of you? Read what Doc Love has to say...

kick her to the curb And if in fact you weren’t seeing some other girl, Donna is OUT. Like the Reality Factor says, “She has to be banished forever when you find out she’s fooling around with another guy on the side.” So what you should say the minute she cops to being involved with him is: “Donna, it was really nice knowing you,” and then you walk. NOW. She’s finished. History. Because this girl has no Loyalty. She’s got no Integrity. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “How can you date the girl if you can’t turn your back on her?” But Donna still wants to “work on your relationship.” Oh my gosh, Vic. I thought I’d heard it all, but those words are surely going to win the 2006 Womanese Of The Year Award. And, uh, by the way, there’s this bridge I’m looking to sell in Brooklyn…

the other guy The other guy called you a second time? Wow. I’m truly impressed. This dude’s got it all figured out. What’s funny -- and pathetic -- is that you’ve got "The System" and he doesn’t! But maybe you haven’t finished reading it yet and that’s your excuse. When Donna promised she’d stop talking to her other squeeze, you should have said, “No, I want you to keep right on talking to him, honey. Because I don’t want you to be alone. So you

just keep going out with him. You two are going to have a great, wonderful relationship. We had a nice run, you and me, and I think you’re a heck of a girl, and I hope you make your new guy happy.” That’s what you should have said. And then turned and walked right out of there -- forever. Unfortunately, you didn’t do that. And things went downhill, naturally, because once the moment of truth passes and you haven’t taken the correct action, nothing but bad things are bound to happen.

why’d you go to her party? Vic, you don’t show up at a party when your girlfriend has no Integrity. Hel-lo? Then Donna shimmied and danced close with this guy when you were standing just a few feet away? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “This is the epitome of rubbing it in your face!” What have I told you guys over and over? For God’s sake, don’t hang around for a beating when you’ve already taken it on the nose! Donna’s mom told you that her daughter liked both of you fellows? I’m shocked! But on the other hand I do understand it. Donna’s just going to make out with this other guy until you two have your wedding day. Hey, I can go along with that! Makes perfect sense to me! But you still didn’t catch on, Vic: Despite being totally humiliated by your girl (who happens to be very classy by pulling something like this on you, by the way), like a good Macho Boy you went ahead and confronted her and her new beau. I hate to break this to you, pal, but there was nothing to confront. You and Donna already had your talk. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re beating a dead horse here, boy.” She told you a while ago she’s seeing another guy. What more do you need to get it through your head? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, when she prefers slow dancing with another man in your presence, your bagel has been baked.”

he might be lying… Regarding what the other guy told you about his “romantic” relationship with Donna, we don’t know if what he’s saying is true. The point is that you had a relationship with her for 10 months before he came into the picture. And at some point her Interest Level dropped through the floor and that’s why she got a backup in place for when she was through with you for good. Vic, I’d say you’ve hit the point of no return. Who should you believe and what should you do now? Guy, you’ve got to immerse yourself in "The System." It’s your only hope of saving yourself from a life of sheer misery with the opposite gender. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You don’t really want your head bashed in again, do you, bro?” Once your girl told you that she was cuddling with somebody else for two whole months, you were dead in the water right there.

Remember, guys: If she lacks Integrity, drop her.

On-Again, Off-Again Relationships Hey Doc, I’ve known Candace for about eight years. In all that time, we’ve dated off and on constantly. Every time we get together, things are fantastic for a month or two, and then Candace shuts down emotionally and becomes very closed up. Our conversations then tend to become very shallow and don’t go much beyond what happened at work that day, and then they disappear altogether. As you might imagine, this is enormously frustrating. Eventually, it leads to our breaking up because I simply can’t communicate with the girl.

on again, off again Before we got back together the last time, Candace spent some time thinking things over to avoid the past mistakes that led to our splitting up. However, after about four months, we ended up breaking it off again. This time, I was the one who initiated it. At that point, I was beyond frustrated and tired of pretending that we had a real relationship. Doc, to put it bluntly, I’m too old for this. However, there has always been some sort of deep emotional connection between Candace and me that always brings us back together. It just seems like she gets afraid when things are good, so she shuts down and things end up going bad. At least that’s how I see it from where I stand.

is there any hope? Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing. I waited three weeks to contact Candace, apologized for my stupidity and tried to get her to talk to me. So far, she has not responded. Now I don’t know if this is the same cycle playing itself out and our deep connection is still there or if it’s really over this time and I should just let her go and try to get on with my life. What do you think, Doc? Any insight whatsoever would be greatly appreciated. Riles - who wonders if his time has finally run out

doc love’s answer Hi Riles, Candace doesn’t really shut down emotionally after she’s been around you for a while. You’re rationalizing her odd behavior, which as you’d know if you’d studied my material, is a major no-no. The truth of the matter is that this girl does a perfect imitation of a clam because she just gets tired of faking high Interest Level.

Know why you can’t talk to Candace? Because it takes two people to have a conversation and you have her mixed up with somebody who wants to communicate. It’s really a very simple matter, pal. Like Woody Allen says, “I’ve got a better relationship with my shrink, and she only says two words per session.”

she's not interested Candace’s true past mistake was that she spent time with a guy who she had only 45% Interest Level in. Remember what I’ve told you guys over and over again: When her Interest Level is in the 40s, she’ll hang around with you, but don’t make the mistake of believing that you have any kind of legitimate hold on her, because you don’t. How to break the breakup cycle and more relationship advice... If you’d pored over my material (and it’s my bet that after spending eight years as a human yo-yo for this girl, you’ve definitely not memorized it!), you’d know that a crucial mistake men make is OVERESTIMATING the female’s Interest Level. Go back to my book and check out the section called “Interest Level” again. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Those three pages alone will save you years of torture.”

break the breakup cycle What’s interesting is that you apparently haven’t learned anything whatsoever from all the previous times in those eight long years that you and Candace rode your break-up-and-gettogether-again merry-go-round. How many times are you two going to split up? 87? And the question isn’t why you get back together again and again when your relationship is so lousy. (And believe me: When you’re not talking to your partner, it can’t be anything but lousy.) The real question is: Why did she unload you the first time?

you're her yo-yo Candace doesn’t get back together with you for any other reason than she feels a need to have a little party with you for three to six weeks (or take a break from the other turkeys she’s stringing along!) before hitting the bricks again. After all, Riles, she knows you’ll be back. You came back the other 86 times, didn’t you? I don’t mean to bash your head in here, guy -Candace does a good enough job of that as it is -- but you’re being a stooge. It’s too bad you only waited three weeks to contact Candace, dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The way things are going, you should have waited 30 years!” The type of stupidity you’re referring to is a different one than I’m referring to, which is not going by the principles of "The System." Remember the chapter entitled “Begging"? I suggest you take a look at that one because you are acting needy.

it’s time to give up

Why should Candace respond to you now, man? You’re out. Don’t you get that? She doesn’t like you. She never thinks about you. She’s making out with somebody else right now. Hello? Didn’t you ever hear of the Reality Factor? It says, “When she keeps running away from you, she doesn’t want to be with you.” Du-uh. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “There’s no eternal cycle playing itself out here or any deep mystical connection at work. Your Interest Level is 88% and hers is 45%. Those numbers don’t match, my son.” And that’s your problem in a nutshell.

you’re not right for each other Up until now, Candace liked to go back and forth with you, Riles. But when she’s back with you for a while, she inevitably comes to the same conclusion: “Oh, what the heck was I thinking? He’s still the same old shmuck,” and then she leaves again. Of course, she’s not too swift either for endlessly going back to a guy that she already dumped 86 times. Actually, now that I think about it, you two should be together. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s a match made in hell!” Finally, you can’t let Candace go, Riles, because she’s already gone! That’s what you can’t seem to get through your thick head. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If I could somehow exterminate the male ego, we could cut the divorce rate by 90%.” Remember, guys: When you’re out, you were really out a long time earlier.

She's A Man Magnet Hey Doc, I’m a physically fit 38-year-old man with a good job and my own house. I’ve been divorced for nine months after a 10-year marriage. Right afterward, I had a month-long fling with a nice 30-year-old woman. She dumped me because she said I was too clingy. Recently, I was introduced to a very pretty girl, Patti, who’s 27. She is athletic and stunningly built -- the kind of girl most men would desire but would be afraid of. I am very self-confident and not worried about not looking physically fit or financially stable to this woman (or anyone, for that matter, since I am the go-to guy at my job and can hold my own in most situations). However, I’ve gotten sensitive over the past year due to some serious family illnesses. Last night, a good buddy and I almost came to blows at a party. (He was drunk and I wasn’t, by the way.) He was calling me names and eyeing Patti, trying to draw me into a fight. I told him

that he doesn’t make as much money as I do and has to eat out of a dumpster. I know -- it was stupid, nonsensical talk.

we looked like fools We both came off looking like real asses in front of his wife and Patti, but he’s been bashing me and eyeballing my girl for the past three months. I did say some mean things to him, but if he wants to talk smack, I’ll throw it back at him with a vengeance. I wanted to show Patti that I am a nice guy and not prone to getting upset over a little name-calling, but unfortunately, I didn’t succeed too well. Here’s the problem, Doc. I think Patti likes the attention other guys give her and that she subtly invited my friend’s flirtations. I suspect that she has low Self-Esteem and uses admiring looks from guys to boost it. We have a great romance going and get along really well, but how do I handle the scumbags (even married guys) out there who totally disrespect a guy and the gal he is with? Did “one guy, one girl” go out the window when Sinatra passed away? Any insights you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Link - who’s trying not to lose his cool

doc love’s answer Hi Link, I have to wonder, if I interviewed your ex-wife, whether she would say you were too clingy as well. Because, as you know, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Man always repeats his mistakes.” Unless you’ve memorized my book, that is. And since you haven’t mentioned it in your letter and you’ve got the problems you’ve got, I have to conclude that you haven’t even read it. What are you waiting for, dude? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Do you want to be a boxer or a lover?” Stop fighting like children… Now in this ridiculous battle with your so-called friend, you’re comparing physiques and finances like a pair of adolescents. But what about minds? Like my cousin General Love says, “The war has to be won in your brain before it’s won on the battlefield.” If you’ve memorized my principles, you’re going to be fine handling Patti. But since this girl sounds like the twin sister of Pamela Anderson, you’ve got your hands full. More than full. You’re going to need every bit of help to hold onto her. When your buddy tried to draw you into fisticuffs, you should have taken Patti’s hand and just

walked out of there instead of trying to do an imitation of Russell Crowe. As we say in sales, “When it gets too hot in the kitchen, get out!” You should have made a graceful exit instead of playing Macho Boy for Patti. To you Psych majors, when the environment turns ugly, change the environment. It doesn’t mean you’re running from a fight. It means you’re smarter than the other bozo. It means you’ve got more class than to stoop to his level. You can’t make your pal leave the party, but you and your girlfriend can. And that’s what you should have done.

she was watching you But you didn’t. You got off a good Jim Carrey line about your buddy’s dumpster diving, but the more important point is this: Your girlfriend was right there and she was watching all of this go down. And she was sizing you up and recording all of your behavior. That’s the problem. You had another alternative as well. Instead of going to war with this guy, why didn’t you go and hang out with his wife when he came on to Patti? You should have flirted with her (without really meaning it, of course!) instead of getting into a backstreet brawl. Have fun with the whole scene. Like I’ve told you guys before, think of what Cary Grant would do in that situation. So you’re right. You didn’t succeed too well in showing Patti what a nice, mature guy you are. It’s called lack of Self-Control. What should Link do about Patti’s flirtatious ways?

only her interest level matters Some women do boost their Self-Esteem by trying to attract the attention of every guy around. That’s why they dress provocatively. But Patti should be dressing that way only for the guy she has a high Interest Level in, not strangers walking down the street. And that raises another question: What’s her Interest Level in you? Is she madly in love with you? Saying you have a “great relationship” doesn’t tell me much. Does she call you all the time? Can she keep her hands off you? You have to give me solid evidence here. If Patti is a “10,” you’d better get used to her attracting looks and not fly off the handle every time it happens. What you have to do is learn Self-Control and not react. Let her flirt with all these fellows. See how often she does it. Check out the type of clothes she wears (or doesn’t wear) when you two are out on the town. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Then ask yourself, ‘Hey, can I put up with this for the next 30 years?’”

watch how she acts

Because one of these days, some guy like your friend is going to be drunk, and when Patti says “no,” he’s going to hear “yes,” and then you’ll have a new problem. Unless it’s a gettogether with some close friends (the kind you can trust) or a pool party, your girlfriend shouldn’t try to dress like a Playmate in public. Your question about post-Sinatra comportment is an excellent one. There should be respect between guys, but remember: Your buddy was drunk. Granted, he had high Interest Level in your squeeze to begin with, but his wife should have reined him in and kept him in tow. So Link, keep track of how Patti acts and dresses when you go out. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “If she keeps giving men the come-on, you’d better grow a rhinoceros hide or get rid of her.” Remember, guys: If you take women personally, you’re dead in the water.

She's Getting Fat Hey Doc, I happened to stumble across your columns when I was surfing for love advice and I thought you might be able to help me. Jeanna and I have been dating for several years. I’ve tried to get her to marry me on occasion, but she seems content with the way things are. I still nudge her about it from time to time, but since it never works, I’ve given up and now just accept our relationship for what it is. I’m 50, by the way, and she’s 46, and we’ve both abandoned the idea of having kids, so I guess it’s no big deal. My problem is Jeanna’s weight. She’s a detective on our police force here in New York City, and her job is very stressful -- it involves investigating homicides and other violent crimes. When her duties become particularly nerve-wracking, she has a tendency to overeat -- donuts, pizza, pastrami sandwiches, and the like -- and to do it on the run with no thought for nutrition. Then she comes home and has a few drinks to unwind. On top of it all, she might not work out at the gym for weeks on end.

she’s getting huge Lately, I’ve noticed that her weight is spiraling out of control. Her belly and butt are starting to get very flabby and she can’t fit into her clothes anymore. I’ve tried to make very subtle suggestions to Jeanna about this mess, but she doesn’t pick up on them, doesn’t care or can’t help herself. So my question is this: How can I deal with this? I don’t want a fatty hanging off my arm, and I don’t want the poor woman dropping dead of a heart attack or a stroke. Like most females, she’s very sensitive about her appearance. Furthermore, the last thing she needs is me nagging her after a long day on the mean streets.

What do you think I should do? What can I say to her that she won’t interpret as an insult? Thanks for your help, Doc. Gene - who’s starting to wonder if he should look elsewhere

doc love’s answer Hi Gene, Whether or not you know it, your problem is right there in the second paragraph of your letter. It has nothing to do with what comes later. You’ve got an Interest Level problem here, pal -hers, not yours. Could it be that Jeanna just doesn’t care enough about Gene to take care of herself? When a woman has 95% Interest Level, a guy doesn’t have to talk her into anything. You asked this girl a bunch of times to marry you and she rebuffed you. If she’s not saying yes, it’s because her Interest Level isn’t in the 90s. And that’s where your basic problem is with Jeanna. That said, accepting the nature of your relationship with her is fine in itself. Hey, if you guys get along and have a great time and she doesn’t want to get married, there’s nothing wrong with the arrangement. Just make sure your Interest Level isn’t any higher than 55% or you’re going to be continually frustrated by an unbalanced relationship -- you’re into it, and she’s only half into it. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Giving up on the idea of kids shows there’s something good about your relationship.”

it’s not an easy situation Look: It’s OK for Jeanna to gorge herself, as long as she’s doing it with carrots and broccoli or she’s taking 10 strawberries to work in a plastic bag rather than a Hershey’s chocolate bar or a salami and provolone submarine sandwich. Her problem isn’t overeating; it’s the types of food she’s eating. And you have to understand her problem, because there is an enormous amount of stress that goes along with being a police officer. It’s a rough, tough job. And you have to have a lot of empathy and sympathy for the sacrifices she makes every single day. So you don’t want to make comments on her weight, Gene. That’s insulting. When she gets out of the shower and she looks in the mirror and it’s not wide enough to contain all of her body, she knows she’s overweight and she knows she’s overeating. But like I said earlier, there’s something else going on here. And what she has to ask herself is whether she’s overeating because of her lack of Interest Level in you. (Guys, you’ll never see this analysis in a self-help manual or a ladies’ magazine!) Maybe her Interest Level is only

45% and she’s too scared to go it alone, while yours is 89% and you’re hanging on for dear life. Again -- there are other reasons why she’s overeating.

be her coach Jeanna can’t help herself, dude. But you’re going to handle this situation by being supportive and keeping your mouth shut. And when you guys go out, you’re going to the gym. Whatever you two do together, it’s going to have the theme of getting and staying in shape (and shedding pounds). Whatever you do, you two are going to keep moving. Every time you see Jeanna, you’ll head to the gym or go running or bicycling together. Find out what Gene shouldn’t do… You don’t do anything else with this lady. You don’t go sit in a movie theater and polish off a bucket of buttered popcorn with a side of nachos. You don’t go out and eat barbecued ribs. Gene, you’re going to be your girlfriend’s coach. And if she wants to drop you because of that or she decides not to see you, then fine -- man up to it. But that’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to coach this woman to get on the right track as long as she hangs around. To you Psych majors, nagging doesn’t work. It doesn’t work when women do it to men, and vice versa. (Guys, you’ll never see this analysis in a self-help manual or a ladies’ magazine!) So don’t even be tempted to pick at her, man. Keep your trap closed -- no criticisms or snide remarks or “subtle” suggestions. Keep it light and keep it funny. Your actions are going to speak for you. Every time you see Jeanna, this is how you’re going to behave.

she’s still not that interested Guy, you may have years in with this woman, but she still doesn’t want to marry you. I have to keep coming back to that harsh truth. Like the Reality Factor says, when she turns down your repeated offers to marry, it’s obvious that her Interest Level is a lot lower than yours. You want to get married, so your Interest Level is 89%. (Or maybe it’s even in the 90s, where it shouldn’t be.) But hers is only what -- 65%? 75%? Can you live with a woman who has 75% Interest Level? Now 75% Interest Level is decent, but it’s not in the 90s, where it should be. It doesn’t have that magic intensity. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Her Interest Level is the real problem here, dude -- not her figure.” But you’re not going to bring it up. Instead, you’re going to be her personal trainer. Remember, guys: If she eats too much, you have to take her to the gym or never see her again.

Is She Available? Hey Doc, First off, I’ve told friends about "The System," and it helped them improve their Confidence by showing them the way. But I can’t seem to follow my own advice or yours in my present situation. I hope you can coach me. I’ve known Katrina for four years. I met her through a mutual friend. She was in a long-term relationship at the time and we only hung out every few months with this common friend. But there was something in her looks, eyes and personality that always intrigued me. Fast-forward to the present: I’m living several hours away from Katrina and I chat online with her once a week. Strangely, this has probably been the best way we’ve “advanced” our relationship, as we never really warmed up to one another in person.

she gives mixed signals Recently, our mutual friend got married and I invited Katrina to be my guest, since the wedding was near her city and it presented the chance to see if there might be more to this friendship. But here’s the tricky part: For about eight months or so, she’s been hanging out with a guy -- it’s never really been clear whether she’s dating him or using him for his car/apartment/money. She barely mentions him when we chat online and is rather sketchy when discussing relationships. Finally, I realized that she moved to a new apartment with this guy -- who also happens to be her long-term ex. We had a great time at the wedding; my friends drooled over her, we both looked elegant and acted like a couple at times. During the drive, however, she never touched me. At the reception, she did hold my hand, led me to the dance floor and held my arm as we walked. While dancing, she gave me “those eyes,” even though it took several dances before she stopped acting nervous about it.

he didn't kiss her I never closed the deal. I didn’t kiss Katrina because I don’t know if Katrina is truly available or whether she’s taken by her “ex.” Honestly, I don’t know if he’s her driver, her date to parties or if she’s serious about him. Like I said, Katrina intrigues me tremendously and it’s always seemed like we’ve had some unspoken connection. I’ve been trying to compare her good points with the red flags and I can’t decide if she’s worth my time. Was playing the gentleman and not kissing her the right thing to do? Or should I go for it by asking her out, as I’m moving to her city in a few weeks? Walt - who feels paralyzed by indecision

doc love's answer Hi Walt, Thank you very much for spreading the word about my book. The reason you’re confused right now is because you’re still studying my principles and you don’t have them down pat yet. Once you do that, the answers will come to you automatically. But I’m here to coach you along the way. Find out what Walt should have done... It’s great that Katrina mesmerizes you. Who wouldn’t be mesmerized by someone who looks like a cross between Denise Richards and Scarlett Johansson? But my techniques NEVER look at the man’s Interest Level. To you Psych majors, it’s only the girl’s Interest Level that counts.

don't trust her words So let’s see exactly what you’ve got here. You have a long-distance relationship, which is bad. But you want to keep it kind of warm, so you chat with the girl once a week. But realistically, you’ll only have a chance with this babe when you’re living in her city or she’s living in yours. In other words, this relationship has to be built, not on her words coming out of a computer screen, but when you’re there looking right at her and watching her body language. So Walt, this is the wrong way to advance your relationship. You never warmed up to each other because you never went out on a date -- she was always involved with somebody else. Here’s something else you did wrong: NO WEDDINGS on the first date. The first date with a girl should always be a Starbucks date. A wedding is a pretty heavy deal for a first date. I know they’re a lot of fun and all, but when you’re getting to know somebody, you should stay out of wedding receptions. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You don’t want her thinking you want to marry her -- heck, you don’t even know her!” Now dude, the last thing you want to find out is more about your developing “friendship” with Katrina. You want to be this girl’s BOYfriend. You’re using the wrong words.

she has a boyfriend You say Katrina doesn’t mention her boyfriend. Sure she does! It sounds to me like she’s been telling you about him all along. But why is she mentioning him at all? This is a HUGE RED FLAG, buddy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s so scared you’re going to leave her that she can’t stop talking about other men.” Gee, Walt, I’d hate to hear what she’d talk about if she didn’t like you! So let me get this straight: Katrina moves in with a guy that she got rid of -- a guy who’s still in love with her -- and you want to know if this girl likes

you? Sure, your friends drooled over Katrina. And I’m sure they wanted to do more than drool over her. But the more important question is: Did she drool over you? At times you two acted like a couple. What does that mean? But it certainly was classy that she accidentally bumped into you a few times on the dance floor. Maybe there’s hope for you after all! Should Walt have kissed her? Find out what Doc Love thinks... Katrina acted nervous because she had low Interest Level in you, Walt. No doubt she couldn’t wait for the wedding to end so she could get away from you and go back to her ex-boyfriend.

you should have kissed her The most important chapter in the Dating Dictionary is “Closing The Deal.” You knew you wouldn’t do it, Walt. What’s wrong with you? Are you a coward? Going in for the kiss is the foolproof way of finding out exactly where a girl stands. Walt, a gentleman would have kissed this girl. You got it backwards again. If Katrina had turned her head when you'd tried to lay one on her, you would have known for sure that she was taken. Let me repeat that we don’t care that this girl intrigues you. We want her to be intrigued by you. But you insist there’s an unspoken connection between the two of you. Man oh man. You gotta lay off the pot. That stuff is doing bad things to your head. It’s making you imagine things! And I don’t care what this other guy does. I don’t care if he’s her chauffeur, her butler or her plumber. They use the same bathroom! Nah, she’s not serious about this turkey -- she only moved in with him! Duh!

ask her out to find out Here’s what you do: Don’t tell Katrina when you move into her city. Wait two or three days, then ask her out and KISS her after the date. Otherwise, you’ll be waiting forever to figure out whether this girl likes you or she’s playing with your head. Remember, guys: When she lives with a man, I hope you smell a rat.

Her Dreams vs. Reality Hey Doc, I found your book nine months ago and it got me my first girlfriend. Cara is an ex-model, has an IQ of 155 and is the cutest thing ever. Best of all, she was attracted to me from the

beginning. A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off from there. For all her beauty, she’s really low-maintenance. We usually either split things 50-50 or take turns paying for dates. I like it because it’s even and we don’t bicker about every penny. I didn’t have to buy her. (I hate girls who are feminists until the check comes). Here’s my problem. Lately, Cara’s been making little effort to get together. It seems to me that she doesn’t care as much or maybe she’s just trying to sabotage our relationship. Now that our relationship is starting to get more serious, she’s scared of being hurt again. (Her ex cheated on her with one of her friends). This behavior began when she told me she had a dream that I was with another girl. Cara is very superstitious. She says her dreams are almost always right, and even though she knows it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will in the future. Well, since then, it’s been all downhill.

should I break up with her? Doc, I plan to call Cara out on this. I’m going to tell her that her dreams and her ex are not my fault, and I shouldn’t be held accountable for them, and unless she gives up this insanity, I’ll leave her. But I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to. This girl is beautiful, intelligent, modest, and funny. Where will I find someone else like her? I know she’s a bit of a loony -- she even admits to it. I asked her if she wants to break up with me, and she said no. I need your help, Doc. I don’t want to lose this girl, but I don’t want to be judged by her dreams. Avery - who doesn’t know how to defeat a dream

doc love’s answer Hi Avery, Cara may be the smartest thing ever and she may be more generous than Angelina Jolie when the check arrives, but don’t overlook the fact that she’s also a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. That also makes her the most dangerous thing ever. Guy, don’t EVER forget what you’re dealing with here. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Steve Irwin stood a better chance against the stingray than you do.” What is Avery doing wrong? Avery, your dating arrangement isn’t supposed to be even-steven. You should be paying for four or five dates, and then the girl should be asking you over to her house for a nice dinner of your favorite dish. I don’t go for this splitting-it-down-the-middle stuff. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Are you taking a girl out or having lunch with the bowling team?” You tell me that Cara’s making “little effort to get together.” In other words, at one time she

was all over you, and now she couldn’t care less whether or not she ever sees you. So what do we have here? Did Cara’s Interest Level happen to drop for some mysterious reason? Is that what the real problem is? You may be right, Avery, that your girl either doesn’t care about you as much as she used to or she’s trying to sabotage your relationship -- or BOTH. Have you thought of that?

your relationship isn’t serious But you insist on believing that your relationship is growing “more serious.” Whoa, Avery -can you pass any of that dope on to me? That’s some good stuff you’re smoking there! Dude, Cara’s Interest Level is dropping straight into the cellar and you call that serious? How can she get hurt when her Interest Level is 51% and yours is 89%? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The numbers don’t make sense, my son.” With the way those percentages compare, the only one who’s going to get burned is you. So, this girl is very superstitious. I see... In other words, she’s a very rational person! How can she know that you’re going to leave her when your Interest Level is up in the clouds and hers is right next to the Mason-Dixon Line -- 50%? It doesn’t make any sense.

you have to see the signs Now I’ve got news for you, pal. This relationship was going downhill long before you knew it. Like most men, you don’t pick up on the signs and cues that tell you you’re in trouble. Are you sure you read my book? What are you going to call Cara out over? Do you actually believe that you can talk her Interest Level up? Guess what, Avery? It doesn’t work. In all my years as a love coach -- and I’ve coached literally thousands of men -- I’ve never seen it happen. Not once. Is Cara really crazy? Cara’s dreams and ex-boyfriend are not the point here. Your lecturing can’t raise Interest Level -- that’s the most important issue. Of course you’re not accountable for her fantasies and her psychological baggage, but she’s trying to tell you something. The second reason she’s getting rid of you is because of her dream. But the first -- and most important -- reason is because she has low Interest Level in you. Because if she had high Interest Level, her dream would be the exception to her great predictive ability.

she is crazy... But who’s wacky here anyway, Avery? Look at your own thinking. You can’t leave someone who already left you! Cara may be all the things you say, and one more -- her Interest Level is in the toilet. Where will you find someone else like her? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Well, next time you might try with someone who actually digs you!”

Cara’s a bit of a loony? That’s the understatement of the century! She even knows she’s a whack job. To you Psych majors, when she’s having weird and crazy dreams about you, stay away from her. When this girl swore that she didn’t want to break up with you, do you really think she was telling the truth? Like my cousin General Love says, “Would you bet your life on it, soldier?”

... and she's not interested In the end, Cara’s dream story is a big cop-out, my friend. She’s serving up a heap of Womanese. But remember what the great Doctor Freud once said: “Dreams are wish fulfillments!” Remember, guys: You are the only one who can lower her Interest Level.

She Wants To Come Back Hey Doc, I’m 23 and I started reading "The System" two years ago. My older brother, who had just recently married, gave me his copy of your book after his wedding and told me to read it and learn from it. At the time, I was involved with Lisette and thought, “Why the heck do I need a dating book?” But I read it and found it really interesting. The principles worked and things seemed to be going just fine between us. I was a Challenge. We both had our own circle of friends and kept things fresh. I started dating Lisette when I was 21 and she was 18. It was young love. She always talked about marriage and she even wanted me to move in with her when we were both attending university in the same city. I thought we were too young, and told her it was best to take things slow and put an emphasis on school first.

she broke it off About nine months ago, Lisette decided that she wanted to try new things, and since she was moving away for a university work term, she decided we needed some time apart and to see other people. I was floored. Since then, I’ve been using "The System" extensively and have had real success with it. I am enjoying the company of plenty of nice women. The problem is that Lisette is home and she wants me back. I know your rule is to never go back with an “ex.”

she wants him back

When Lisette split, she still wanted to be friends, but I declined and eliminated her from my life. It was tough, but we never spoke from the day she broke up with me, until a few weeks ago when she came back to town. She wanted to go out for coffee and I said “no.” Then I got an e-mail from her pouring her heart out, saying she didn't date anyone else when she was away and that she made the biggest mistake of her life. What should I do, Doc? I know that the rule is to never go back with an ex, and I also know that you warn us about young girls. My life is good, and I don’t have bad memories from my relationship with Lisette, except the sour taste from the breakup. Should I delete her e-mail? Or should I go for coffee and see for myself? Dirk - who has to admit he’s curious

doc love’s answer Hi Dirk, Let me tell you something: My book is not just about dating -- it’s also about keeping a man’s wife happy. Why your brother gave you his copy of my book I’ll never understand. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “I sure hope your brother knows what the heck he’s doing!” Find out if Dirk should take his ex back... It was perfect that you told Lisette that the two of you were way too young to get involved. If she informed her parents of this -- “I tried to get Dirk to move in with me and he wouldn’t do it because he said our education is more important” -- they’d have to think more of you and you’d have to pick up all kinds of points with them.

her reasons for leaving The problem, of course, is that you weren’t scoring points with their daughter. To you Psych majors, whenever a girl wants to “try new things,” it’s because the “old thing” -- i.e. YOU -has gotten BORING. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That means you’re predictable and a snore and you ain’t no fun no more.” Lisette’s breaking up with you was her way of telling you that all you want to do is hang out and you never want to go out and have fun or that you’re all over her like a cheap suit. Is it just a coincidence that she wants to see other people? Darn, what a funny coincidence! Guy, why were you floored by Lisette’s revelation that she wanted to be free? I’m floored that you actually believed her explanation! Dude, I’m sure you’re enjoying success with my book now -- with all sorts of new women. Because, as I’ve told you guys a million times already, once it’s over, it’s over.

don't let her come back You can’t let Lisette back into your life. She had her chance. She practically came right out and told you to your face that she was suffering from low Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When a girl wants to go out with other guys, dance with them and kiss them, it means she doesn’t like you -- anymore.” Du-uh. So how it is that, all of a sudden, Lisette saw the light after she decided that she could do without you forever? You know what my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, don’t you? “When she’s got nothing to do that night, all of a sudden you don’t look so bad.” But once her Interest Level hits 49%, it’s over. Gone. Like the Reality Factor says, “It CAN’T come back.” When she came slinking around and trying to get you to take her out, you should have told her, “Lisette, my dear, any time you want to talk, give me a call. I’d love to hear from you and I’ll always consider you a friend.” And then you never call her. And when she leaves messages on your service, you don’t respond to them. You’ve got all those other new babes to occupy your time, remember?

turn her offers down It’s OK to turn down Lisette’s invitation for coffee, but it’s more effective to do it with a bit of humor. Here’s what you should have said: “I’d like to, honey, but there’s a Playmate shoot going on in my bathroom all next week and I can’t possibly break away. But thanks for asking.” Find out Doc Love's two rules when it comes to dating and your ex... When she admitted to making the biggest mistake of her life, you should have said, “Lisette, I know you screwed up, but I forgive you, and the next guy you meet who’s really good to you, you’ll really appreciate him, I guarantee it. Good luck!” The point is that my two rules -- (1) being as cunning as a shark with young women and (2) once it’s over, it’s over -- are enough to conduct yourself by.

ignore her attempts So… your life is good except that you have a sour taste in your mouth from your breakup with Lisette? That doesn’t sound like a contradiction to me! When Lisette e-mails you, delete her letter, and when you hear her voice on your answering machine, just press the button and go on to the next message. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you gotta be tough!” Because let’s face it, Dirk: She’s tough on you when she

needs time apart, right? The fact that she looks like Kate Moss’s sister shouldn’t give her a pass.

don't look back So why would you go out and have coffee with a girl who told you that her Interest Level was in the nether regions, i.e. below 50%? Why would you want to spend any kind of time or effort on her -- not to mention the $7 for lattes and cappuccinos -- when you could be dating a new girl, one whose Interest Level in you is higher? It's time to walk away. Remember, guys: They only get one chance.

Beware Of Waitresses Hey Doc, I’m a newcomer to “The System,” but it’s really turned things around for me. Thank you! Here’s my situation. My buddies and I have been eating at the same restaurant for a few years now. One waitress who works there, Brigitte, is a Beautiful Woman and a real sweetheart. About two months ago, I noticed her making eyes at me. Before letting my ego shoot through the roof, I tried to undervalue her Interest Level and kept to my usual routine, which was nothing more than “hello” and “goodbye.” A few weeks ago, some of her female coworkers began to drop her name a lot to me. They even asked if I “missed” her when she was off one night. I took this as a good sign, so I had my birthday party at the restaurant. Afterward, I ended up being invited out by the whole restaurant crew. When I asked Brigitte if she was going, she said, “Are you going to be there?” We all went out, chatted, shot pool, and had a great time.

she dropped the bomb The next weekend, I was invited to another party by the restaurant crew and Brigitte was there, attached to my hip the entire night. But for some reason, she seemed fidgety and nervous. About halfway through the evening, we went off alone and got to talking. She revealed that she had a boyfriend and was going fishing with him the next day. I ended the conversation, but her earlier flirtatious behavior continued. The boyfriend was not mentioned again, nor did any of her coworkers ever mention him. Since the party, Brigitte gets really excited whenever I see her at the restaurant, is always very attentive to me and always gives me extended eye contact. When I leave the restaurant, she always asks if she’ll see me the next time I come in. I have not asked for her home number

because of the boyfriend. What do you think I should do, Doc? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Addison - who wonders if he should eat somewhere else

doc love’s answer Hi Addison, Exactly how do you know that Brigitte’s heart is sweet? You don’t really know anything about this girl, do you? Don’t forget: Paul McCartney thought his soon-to-be-ex-wife was the kindest girl he’d ever met, too. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Then he got to know her.” Is there hope for Addison? Now when a girl gives you any kind of buying signals, you’re supposed to ask for the home phone number. You might own my book, Addison, but in order to make it work at maximum effectiveness, you’ve got to MEMORIZE it. You’ve got to practice it until it’s second nature. My techniques will show you that if the girl turns you down, she was just flirting for bigger tips. And that’s why you have to go for it -- to eliminate all doubts about where she’s really coming from. When Brigitte’s coworkers asked if you missed her, you should have flashed your best Christopher Walken grin and told them you were suicidal. Remember: You’re always keeping it light and funny.

you should've seen her alone Having your birthday bash at Brigitte’s restaurant was a huge MISTAKE. Why in the world would you want to do something like that? Addison, this is the definition of a GROUP DATE, and you know if you’ve read my book that group dates are always a no-no. Dude, you don’t own this girl. Instead of being alone with Brigitte and selling her on the idea that she should dump her boyfriend for you, you end up sharing her with 20 other people. Like my cousin General Love says, “This is not what you would call a solid battlefield strategy.” When Brigitte asked if you were going to be at the party, you should have said, “Well, it’s only my birthday party, I don’t know why I’d be there!” But agreeing to go to the next party with the entire restaurant workers union was an even more HUMONGOUS blunder. After sharing your birthday party with a crowd of strangers, you should have disappeared. You should have let all the others go out by themselves. You wanted to see Brigitte ALONE, right?

she’s faking it But this is actually where the entire situation becomes very interesting -- the kind of scene a forensic love detective would have a field day with. Think about it. Brigitte is leaning on you. She’s dancing with you. She’s bumping into you and seems to be having a fun time…but at the same time, she’s fidgety and nervous and looking over her shoulder. To you Psych majors, something’s not right. Guys, you know what this means: Brigitte is faking high Interest Level. And of course, that’s when she reveals that she’s going fishing with her boyfriend the next day. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Only it really looks like she’s baiting you and that you’re the big fish who’s about to get hooked.” Poor Addison should have walked away… Addison, you should have gotten out of there the minute you saw Brigitte flashing her lure. Anytime you see a red flag and her Interest Level is dropping, it’s time to say “sayonara.” Pal, you hung around much too long.

she’s playing with your head And who cares if Brigitte’s coworkers don’t mention her boyfriend? All you should care about is her Interest Level in you. But what you have here is a girl with a boyfriend who likes to play with other guys’ heads and egos. That’s all there is to it. Sure, Brigitte gets excited when she sees you. But not excited enough to get rid of her boyfriend. And she’s very attentive to you as well -- but only when her boyfriend’s not around. Addison, when this cutie batted her eyes at you, you should have gone straight for that home phone number. Then, when she turned you down and said, “I can’t -- I have a boyfriend,” you wouldn’t have had to order your meat loaf and mashed potatoes at her restaurant every night.

you should have taken control What you could have done then was written your number down and handed it to her and said, “Honey, as soon as your boyfriend’s circling in the sink, give me a call.” That’s the only time you hand out your phone number. The point is to get your number into her hands as soon as possible because this turkey’s not going to last. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “That boy’s gonna be doin’ a lot of fishin’ on his own.” Nevertheless, I do think you need a good dose of reality, Addison. Because you actually did overestimate Brigitte’s Interest Level, despite what you think. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Man, you must be leaving this girl some monster gratuities!”

Remember, guys: Sometimes waitresses fake Interest Level so they can pick up bigger tips.

Should You Move On? Hey Doc, Let me be one of the thousands to commend you on your articles. I have yet to purchase “The System” but intend to do so in the near future. I hope you can give me your expert opinion on my situation. I met Mora during college and we went out for three years. I am an Australian citizen, while she’s from Malaysia. Last year, we both finished our degrees in Australia. I stayed in Australia and Mora headed back to Malaysia because she told me her father needed help in the family business. We agreed to make our relationship work because we were so in love. We faithfully called each other and exchanged romantic e-mail and handwritten letters. But some weeks ago, she unexpectedly told me over the phone that, while on vacation, she had time to herself away from the bustle of work and concluded that our relationship wasn’t going to work out because she may never come back to Australia. I didn’t agree to this and spent the next two weeks calling Mora and trying to change her mind. I even asked her to marry me, but she declined.

she said it was forever Before we broke up, she said the following: “We are made for each other,” “I can’t live without you,” and “I want to be with you forever.” When I recounted this to her, she said she only meant it “at the time.” How can a person mean those things one day and not the next? I know you’re asking why I don’t go and work in Malaysia. If I did, I’d have to take an 80% pay cut, and unlike Mora, my dad doesn’t own a business there. I have a better chance of becoming successful in Australia. Mora assured me that she’s not breaking up with me because she has another guy, and I have no choice but to believe her. What’s frustrating is that our relationship died not because of incompatibility or infidelity but because of circumstance. Mora will be visiting soon because she has to collect some things that I kept for her. Should I hope that we will be reunited or just move on? I feel a lack of closure because it’s the first time I’ve been dumped over the phone and we never shared our last moments together.

Geordie - who’s about to go insane

doc love’s answer Hi Geordie, I appreciate that you’re thinking of investing in yourself. But I look at the clock and I think about the party you’re going to tonight and how you’re not going to be as smooth as you could be without “The System,” and how, next week, you’ll be at a singles club and there’s going to be a girl you like and you’re not going to get her home phone number. And I hear the tick-tick-tick of time and I think… “When?” Geordie can commit to a woman, but can he commit to “The System”? In other words, pal, you have to stamp a date on this, as in: “On November 1, I’m buying this book even if there’s a nuclear war!” Unless you make the commitment to help yourself, you’re never going to do it. Losers make vague promises about the future. Winners make commitments. The family business was the second reason Mora left. The first was because she had low Interest Level in you. It wasn’t you two who were so in love -- it was YOU alone. Mora fell out of love. That’s why she crossed the ocean. If she loved you, she’d become an Australian citizen and tell pops to work it out for himself. But Mora knows she’s never returning Down Under. And what’s all this BS about getting away from the bustle of work to clear her mind? It’s got nothing to do with Interest Level. (You’d know that if you’d read my book.) School, business, even when her mom’s really sick -- none of that lowers Interest Level. The Reality Factor says, “Only YOU can lower her Interest Level.”

don’t try to convince her You should have agreed to breaking up, Geordie. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Why would you want to go to a party where you’re not invited?” Instead, you tried to change Mora’s mind. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Once Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, only God can move it back into the 50s.” Look at it this way, pal: You did everything you could. You asked Mora to marry you and she said no. You have to say to yourself, “I had three great years with this girl and it’s over.” But the love of your life walked out on you and you’re going to get my book “someday.” What if you meet a new girl next week? Will you repeat your mistakes? So, get my book one of these days -- but don’t rush into anything!

I’m sure Mora said all kinds of wonderful lines when you were together. (One of my favorite chapters in the Dating Dictionary is “Actress” -- you’ll love that one!) She wasn’t lying when she said she meant all that stuff -- at that split second, she did. But you lowered her Interest Level over a three-year period and that’s what you didn’t realize. It’s not actually the very next day that she didn’t mean what she said. It happens in increments. That’s how a girl can say such lovely things, and then 90 days later, you’re out. It’s because her Interest Level dropped -- slowly. Like the dripping of water -- eventually there’s no water left. It’s time to move on…

find someone else Hey, I’m not asking why you don’t go and work in Malaysia. Are you sure you read my articles? Didn’t you read the ones about begging and chasing or my No. 2 rule: “Never try and keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you” -- did you read that one? But there’s no hurry -get my book later. There’s one other reason you should stay put in Australia that you neglected to mention. You have to find a new girl. Because the one in Malaysia doesn’t care for you. She moved to another country to be with her father, she doesn’t know if she’s ever coming back to Australia, and you asked her to get married and she said no -- hey, this girl’s definitely in love with you! Of course Mora won’t come out and say she dumped you for another guy. Whether or not she did is a side issue here. But I’ll tell you something -- I’ll bet she’s got one!

long distance never works Your relationship didn’t end because of circumstance. But like I say in my book: GEOGRAPHY IS A KILLER. If you’d had my book, maybe you could have saved this deal before Mora’s Interest Level traveled to Malaysia. Theoretically, maybe you were out after two and a half years, and she said to herself, “Well, I can’t dump him now because I still live here. Ah! I’ll tell him Dad needs help, then I can go back home and that will be my big excuse, as opposed to the real truth: Geordie lowered my Interest Level due to his comportment.” Why don’t you mail Mora’s things to her? Why would you want to see her? Haven’t you been battered enough already? I think you should move on. While you’re at it, get in touch with reality. Like most men when they like a girl, what you do is RATIONALIZE. To you Psych majors, rationalizing is dangerous because then you’re out of control and you’re not facing reality. You did share your last moments together, dude. It’s just that the end came sooner than you

realized. Remember, guys: Don’t rationalize by believing her excuses.

Control Your Interest Level Hey Doc, I’ve been inspired to write to you after reading your columns, and I’m going to purchase "The System" right after I send this letter. Everything you say makes absolute sense to me. Not too long ago, I came out of a four-year relationship. I was dumped by my very first “true love.” All of your concepts explain EXACTLY why it happened. I had become besotted and obsessed with my ex. My constant chasing had killed her Interest Level, but I was too blind to see it. In short, I was a complete wimp.

he played hard to get I met my current girlfriend, Sheena, four months ago. I hadn’t heard of your techniques then, but my tentative actions increased her Interest Level. I was being a Challenge without knowing it. On our first dates, I was light-hearted, funny and confident. I told Sheena I wasn’t sure about getting involved. This didn’t seem to discourage her; in fact, it made her want to get involved with me. She even asked if I wanted to go back to her place and I actually said, “No, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” After a few more dates, she was really into me. She asked if I would phone her and I said, “Don’t take it personally; I just don’t like the phone.” From then on, she kept calling me, leaving message after message. When I saw her, she was all over me. I teased her that she loved me but was too embarrassed to admit it. Then, one evening, she actually told me that she did love me. I didn’t say it back and she asked why. I said, “When I tell you, I want to be absolutely sure.”

now he’s at her feet Now, four months later, I’ve fallen head over heels for her. I’m becoming a wimp again. I’ve bought Sheena gifts, written e-mails, and started nagging and begging. Then I found your articles. But I’m finding it difficult to use your principles because I’ve fallen hard for this girl. Going back to being a Challenge is tougher than I thought. It was so much easier when I didn’t love her. Most of all, I always want to know what she’s doing. I get insecure, wondering what’s going on. How can I get through each day at work without worrying constantly? Most of all, how can I manage my insecurity and anxiety that comes from wanting to be in touch with Sheena all the

time? Myles - who’s desperate not to be a wimp

doc love’s answer Hi Myles, Lots of guys, for one reason or another, will hang back with a girl, and they don’t know it, but they’re being a Challenge. What they’re going to do -- hopefully -- is continue this behavior throughout the entire relationship. Find out what Myles should have done... Telling Sheena you weren’t sure about getting involved with her was good insofar as being a Challenge went. But there was nothing funny about the tactic. In fact, it was heavy-handed, and we always want to keep it light and funny. What if when she brought up the topic of longterm relationships, you'd said, “I’d love to get married, but I’m already married”? Funny, right? With this technique, you don’t answer her question dead-on; you sidestep it, and then you come right back with a dose of sarcasm.

always use humor And what you should have said when she asked you to go back to her place was, “If I go home with you, do you promise to keep your hands to yourself?” And then flashed her your best Jack Nicholson grin. Same thing with the telephone deal: The point is that when a woman hits you with a hard, tough question, you have to go straight into Jim Carrey mode. Or Robin Williams mode. Or Vince Vaughn mode. You should have said, “Listen, honey, I’ll tell you what. When I talk to you, I want to be able to look into those big, beautiful eyes of yours. I can’t see them over the telephone line. Just go along with me on this one thing, and I’ll do everything else in the relationship you want -- honest.”

don't change your ways But Sheena started calling you incessantly even if you don’t have a sense of humor. Fantastic, Myles! You got her going, man! And better yet, all this attention and interest is INCOMING! She was all over you? Even better! Sheena’s Interest Level is soaring around in the 90s. To you Psych majors, this is the way it’s supposed to be. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Now here’s the hard part -- let’s see if she acts like that 30 years from now.” You blew another opportunity to be a funny man when she asked why you wouldn’t say you loved her. Dude, that was the perfect invitation to come back with, “Because I don’t believe in

impersonating parrots!” The problem now of course is that you’ve lost control of yourself, and your Interest Level is flirting with 90% if it’s not already there. The man’s Interest Level should stay between 80% and 89%. When it hits 90%, you poor schmucks start falling apart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Love is a drug!”

be the guy she fell for Now you’ve regressed all the way back to where you were when you got dumped by your ex. Now you're being too needy. You’re nagging and begging and groveling. After the beating you took at the hands of your “one true love,” you’ve insisted on going back to that selfdestructive behavior. The bottom line is the principles that catch her, keep her... So the obvious question is this: Why would you go against the principles that got you there, you dunce? No doubt Sheena is a double for Kate Bosworth, and this makes your condition even worse. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she looked like Oprah in the morning, it would be easy for you to be tough.” Guy, let’s clear something up: It wasn’t easier for you to be a Challenge when you weren’t gaga over Sheena. That’s a half-truth. The reality is that it was so much easier to be in control when you were tentative.

don’t be her prison guard Hey, if you want to know what this girl’s up to every minute, you should become a women’s prison guard. But needing to know where Sheena is every second of the day shows that you’re already gone whether or not you know it. Your Interest Level has gone wild. It’s well into the 90s, and it turned her off. I don’t think there’s any hope for you. Like my cousin General Love would say, “We ought to just lower the flag to half-mast, get out the bugles and blow taps. This soldier has bitten the dust.”

force your interest level down How do you make it through the day without constantly worrying? You have to just suck it up, pal. Say to yourself, “I have to drag my Interest Level back into the 80s and get realistic here. Because I’m not the guy Sheena fell in love with. I can’t completely throw my SelfControl away over some 95-pound girl.” How can you manage your insecurity and anxiety? Have you thought about Quaaludes? (I’m kidding!)

Remember, guys: The principles that catch her, keep her.

The System & Older Women Hey Doc, I read your articles off and on, and when I do, I always see how right you are about men and women. I’ve even bought your book and read it a couple of times, but can’t quite memorize everything yet. I’m 25 and have had two serious relationships so far, both of which ended badly. Recently, I met Hillary at a bar when she was with a group of friends. She’s 34, mature, career-minded, and attractive. To make a long story short, we went dancing and Hillary was all over me. She invited me over to her beach house and we spent the next three days having what I would call a romantic time (we were in separate bedrooms, of course!). I happened to have some vacation days from my job at the time, so I was able to hang out with Hillary all that time.

she canceled our date After this wonderful interlude, Hillary announced that she had to go to work. She’s a sound engineer for concerts and many times has to work until three in the morning. We were supposed to have dinner the next night, but suddenly she called to tell me that she got stuck at work and that our date was off. I played it cool and went out with some other friends. She was supposed to call me to make up our missed date, but she didn’t. Later that week, I called her, but she seemed distant toward me. Doc, it seems like Hillary is losing interest in me all of a sudden, and I don’t know what I did wrong. She was up for a good time and so was I. What the heck happened? (I did not detect the presence of a boyfriend, by the way.)

am I too young? Doc, was this just a three-day fling for Hillary? I know she thinks that a sense of humor is important in a man she’s with, and that sometimes I wasn’t quite in the mood to be funny, but it doesn’t seem that something so trivial could be enough to wreck what started out as such a promising thing. The other thought that occurred to me was that since she’s so much older than me, she might want someone who is more mature. What’s your take? Do older women really prefer younger guys or is that a myth propagated by the women’s magazines? Granted, I’m not as far along in my career as she is, but at 25, how could I be? Lavar - who thought he had it made

doc love’s answer

Hi Lavar, I’m sure you read my articles “off and on,” and when you’re with a woman, you’ll only be successful “off and on” because that’s the way you treat this entire process -- off and on. What’s holding you back from memorizing everything in my book? By the way, when you tell me that your two earlier relationships ended badly, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What you really mean is that they dropped you.” Why is Lavar always unsuccessful with women? When Hillary invited you over to her beach house, you should have said you were busy. You should have said you had somewhere else you had to be. Dude, you’re supposed to see a girl for three or four hours and call her a week later. So what did you do? You ran three whole days together in one shot! In other words, you took three or four months of dating and crammed them into three days with a complete stranger. Does this sound like a recipe for romantic success? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “That stuff only works in Hollywood movies.” Then you went and made a date on a date. What’s wrong with you, Lavar? Are you sure you read any of my articles? You should have let a week go by, and at least have let Hillary wonder and fantasize about that great, fun time you and she had for three days on the beach. But like most men, you couldn’t wait. You PRESSED. To you Psych majors, when you PRESS, you lose with women.

it’s already over So Hillary called and broke your date. Very nice -- now you’ve got your first broken date. Sounds like you’re heading for your third bad relationship in a row, pal. Face it, Lavar, the way you’re handling things, it’s history already. Hillary’s already looking for another beach buddy. When Hillary dodged you, of course you played it cool and went out with some other friends. What else could you do? You had to suck it up, didn’t you? What choice did you have? Then she was supposed to call you and didn’t. Now let me guess what you did -- you showed Hillary how tough you were by not calling her back, right? Wrong! You were on that phone faster than it took for Michael Jackson’s latest album to bomb. What a surprise! So now you’re going to do a little begging, right? Great! Hillary seemed distant toward you? Wow, that’s inconsistent!

her interest level tanked What did you do wrong here, Lavar? You spent three straight days with a stranger off the street -- that’s what you did wrong. If you had six months in with Hillary, and then spent three

days with her, everything would be different. But like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you didn’t have a base of operations.” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts adds, “You didn’t need the presence of a boyfriend to hurt you, because you did enough damage all by yourself, bro!” Did Lavar’s age have an influence? What happened to you, Lavar, was that Hillary thought she enjoyed hanging out with you for three days, but at the end of the three days, she came to realize that her Interest Level in you wasn’t all that high. In fact, it wasn’t even 51%. And so there was no reason for her to see you again. Which is why she doesn’t want to. Makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s called the Reality Factor. You better get your head straight, Lavar. First you tell me that a sense of humor is important, and then you tell me it’s trivial. So which one is it? And this brings us to the core of your problem. You don’t know which end is up here. This whole thing with Hillary was never anything solid. It seemed like it started out as a little something, but in reality it never was anything.

it’s not your age Guys, maturity is always second to Interest Level. You’re off on a crazy tangent here with this older woman/younger man thing. If you did everything right, Hillary would still be seeing you even though she’s nine years older. You never hear about Demi not returning Ashton’s phone calls, do you? You didn’t do enough things right during those three days you and Hillary spent together, and that’s your problem. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This whole age issue is much ado about nothing.” One thing about your career trajectory. Alexander the Great controlled half the world at your age. You’re a little behind the eight ball, Lavar. Remember, guys: To be successful with women, you have to spoon-feed yourself.

Is A Group Date Still A Date? Hey Doc, First off, I want to thank you for putting the "The System" together. I’ve totally bought into your techniques, but I’m having trouble implementing some of them because I’m very much a beginner. Here’s my problem: I met the gorgeous Lucinda at a club recently. I made sure to keep the conversation light.

she was flirting it up When we were on the dance floor, some casual touching by her occurred. At this point, I thought her Interest Level was at least 51%. I made an excuse to leave at the peak of our interaction and asked for her number. She gave it to me and I left. Needless to say, I thought I was doing pretty well. I decided to text message Lucinda a greeting the next evening. I know you say to wait a week, but I thought one text message would be OK since I didn’t actually phone her. A few days later, Lucinda called and invited me out with a bunch of her friends. I accepted because the offer was incoming. Doc, does being with Lucinda and three others count as a date? I met them and it all went OK. Lucinda and I talked, exchanged compliments and laughed. She mentioned that she’d be clubbing with some other people on Saturday and again invited me. I went, but the night was definitely not as good as the first one. The conversation flattened out and Lucinda seemed to refrain from initiating contact. I haven’t heard from her since.

i made myself too available I’m at loss as to what to do next. I definitely feel like I was way too accessible to Lucinda, providing no Challenge, but it was difficult to refuse her invitations, especially when she was the one initiating them. Doc, what do you think Lucinda’s Interest Level is now? Have I made a total mess of this? Is the situation salvageable or should I flush her number? If Lucinda calls with another group invitation, should I accept or politely refuse? If she doesn’t call me, should I call her? If so, how long should I wait? I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but I’m totally confused. Wendell - who needs a ton of help

doc love’s answer Hi Wendell, You should be having a lot of trouble right now because you’re in the difficult, early stages of changing a lot of old, bad habits -- the kind that made your earlier dating life like Custer at the Little Bighorn. It’s going to take you anywhere from two to three months to a year to get the basics of my techniques down. But I’m here to help men, and I GUARANTEE that you’re going to get better with women -- a lot better.

Find out where Wendell went wrong and some simple dating tactics...

don’t take girls so seriously So right now, what you have to do is two things: First, don’t take women personally, and second, have fun with the process. Lucinda’s Interest Level could have been 51%, but don’t forget that Professional Daters -women with Interest Levels of only 40%-49% -- are very devious. They’ll touch you, but what they’re really doing is feigning Interest Level. This slick maneuver will keep you happy while she’s figuring out how long she’s going to keep you hanging around for her amusement and free food.

texting is like calling Regarding your text message, it’s not the vehicle that’s at fault. I want you to disappear. To be incognito. No communication. You left the country, that’s what I’d like to see. I want Lucinda -- or any fox -- wondering about and pondering on this fascinating guy she met, and when you text message or e-mail or phone, you destroy all of that enticing mystery. To you Psych majors, BEING IN HER FACE KILLS CHALLENGE. When I tell you not to communicate with this girl, you then fall into the pit of rationalizing. Why? Easiest answer in the world: because she’s gorgeous. And that’s what 90% of men do. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If she’s worth looking at twice, you saps cave right in.” But this girl’s different, you tell yourself. In real life, you’re only going to be part of her history class.

no friends on the first date Wendell, you accepted the date with Lucinda, but you should have realized that you were also going out with 19 of her girlfriends. How are you going to raise her Interest Level when she’s preoccupied with 19 other people? It doesn’t make any sense, buddy. OK, it turned out that there were only three girlfriends, so you only had to entertain four people. Does all this really count as a date? Sadly, yes, it counts as a date -- a really bad, horrible date. And, Wendell, who cares that you got along with all of Lucinda’s friends? All we care about is Lucinda’s Interest Level. And it’s easier to raise it if you’re alone with her versus trying to sell her and her three girlfriends all together.

don’t compliment her

What do you mean you two “exchanged compliments”? It’s all right if she compliments you 50 times in one evening, but what the heck are you doing complimenting her? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Dude, you got any idea how many times this chick has been told she looks just like Jessica Biel?” By the way, did she yawn when you told her how fantastic she looked? When Lucinda invited you out a second time, it was another great opportunity for you to turn her down. That’s why I’m totally shocked that the second night wasn’t as good as the first. I can’t imagine why! You don’t think Lucinda got bored watching you chase after her every time she called your name, do you? Is there any hope for Wendell?

don’t be too available What you should do next is memorize my book. And, Wendell, please learn not to rationalize when your Interest Level is up in the heavens just because the girl you’re dating belongs on the cover of Vogue. There is one thing you hit right on the head, though: You provided no Challenge to Lucinda whatsoever. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “There’s hope in America yet! I can’t believe it!” Of course, that’s where things get really tough for a guy. You have to refuse the babe’s invitations. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you have a hottie on your hands, you gotta grow some big cojones.” It doesn’t make any difference that she was the initiator, guy. I don’t care if she was begging you to marry her right that minute. You’re not doing group dates. Because all that these group dates did to you was turn you into a hanger-on -- a Lucinda groupie.

don't ever call her again Where’s Lucinda’s Interest Level? Somewhere between 0% and 2%. I’m telling you, Wendell, you couldn’t have done any worse. The odds of her coming back would be equivalent to you going for a walk in the park and being attacked by a cougar -- even that’s more likely to happen than hearing from this girl again. If, by some miracle, she does call, you politely refuse and make a counteroffer. And no, you don’t call her -- which means you two will never talk again. If you do decide to call her, wait until two weeks before Armageddon. To you Psych majors, when you meet a woman and do everything right, don’t immediately start rationalizing and doing everything wrong.

Remember, guys: The better-looking they are, the tougher it is.

Don't Be Her Rebound Guy Hey Doc, I have a big problem. I became friends with Shania, who I used to work with. We had the best times of our lives together -- at least I did, and she tells me she did too. After she left her husband, we started to date. We then spent two years together in a romantic relationship. Then, the unfortunate happened. I went to work one day and came home that evening to discover that Shania had moved all her stuff out. Keep in mind that no fight happened prior to this, and she couldn’t wait for me to get home from work. Later, I learned that she had gone back to her ex-husband. She called me the day she left, but I refused to speak to her.

she begged to come back After three months, I broke down and we talked. Shania wanted to see me again. She was still living with her ex. We hung out a few times and then stopped talking again. Two months later, she began to call me all over again to tell me that she missed me and loved me more than anything, and that she only hoped I could forgive her for leaving me. I told her that there was no reason for her to leave in the first place because I gave her everything she wanted in a man. And I told her it was easy to forgive but not forget. Shania has continued to call me and sometimes even shows up at my place, but the weird thing is that she’s still living with her ex. I still have strong feelings for her because it was the best relationship I ever had with a woman.

she’s still living with him To this day, Shania continues to tell me that she doesn’t love her ex, and that all she wants is me back in her life. I explained that it’s hard to accept that because she’s living with him. Doc, all I want is advice. I know the final answer comes down to me alone, but with some moral support, my decision might be easier. I’ve tried dating other women, but it never works out because Shania is always on my mind. Can you help me, please? Corey - who wants to know if love triumphs over all

doc love’s answer Hi Corey, I just hope it was Shania trying to convince you that you were having those “best times of your life,” and not you convincing her.

Doc helps Corey see the light… Dude, you didn’t give this girl enough time to get over her ex. To you Psych majors, even if the woman dumps the guy, there’s an un-bonding process that takes time. I don’t want you being the rebound guy. The bad part of this process is that the woman might be emotionally ready to get into a new relationship after going through 10 guys, and you’re number 11. Then, you missed the boat. But the important thing is this: She’ll eventually come to you if you stay away from her long enough. Guys, you have to be at arm’s length romantically when she’s on the rebound.

she should’ve begged for a ring Now, let me get this straight: You spent two years with Shania and she never asked you to get married? She didn’t beg you for an engagement ring? She didn’t ask you, “Where’s this going?” Don’t you find that strange? (Assuming her Interest Level was 96%, of course!) So she was gone before you knew what hit you. Wonderful. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “I’d hate to see how she would have dumped you if she wasn’t sensitive!” Here you’re walking around with 89% Interest Level, and you come home and Shania and Bekins got together behind your back and hauled everything out of there. Corey, when you opened the door that night, did it feel like a chainsaw slicing into your heart? I feel for you, guy.

you were her rebound So what the heck happened? How did Shania’s Interest Level drop? Or was it not up there to begin with? The Reality Factor says that if she was on the rebound, it couldn’t be. A very small percentage of women don’t fight -- they just disappear. You happened to find one, man. It’s better that way because at least the beheading is quick -- I hope. Shania didn’t go back to her ex-husband. She never left him. She left you, Corey, not him. Sadly for you, you got it backward. But when she had the gall to come around after ripping out your guts, you refused to speak to her. Fantastic! You finally showed her you were a tough guy. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Why would you ever want to talk to someone who slapped you down like she did?”

you wimped out

But then you wore down and gave in like a real Wimpus Americanus. You mean I have to take the Congressional Medal of Honor away from you now? She might still be living with her ex, but I’m sure it didn’t stop you from jumping all over Shania! Doc explains why Corey has to kick Shania out of his life for good… But she wasn’t through playing with your head -- she cut you off again. Great! Inconsistent behavior is a very strong character trait in a woman. Corey, you gave her everything she needed in a man, all right, except the ability to keep her Interest Level in the 90s. Let me tell you something, my friend: Forgiveness and forgetting are twin sisters, and they travel together. If you can’t do both, then you haven’t done one.

fight your feelings The only negative when Shania shows up at your place time and again is that she doesn’t have all the furniture in the Bekins truck ready to move back into your house. And, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “We know you’d help her unpack, you weakling.” Sure you have strong feelings for Shania -- but you have to fight them. This is where Patience and Discipline come in. They’re two key factors in the Dating Dictionary, which you have to get and memorize ASAP. It’s easy to be tough when the girl looks like Rosie O’Donnell’s older sister, but when you have strong feelings for a clone of Mischa Barton, that’s the test of a real man. You’re trying to extend these “best times of your life,” Corey, but they’re over. This girl was either imitating a basketball or she had high Interest Level in the beginning and you were too available, came on too heavy and weren’t a Challenge, and so all of a sudden the ex looked better. And remember: She originally left him.

don’t let her bounce back By the way, did Shania use Bekins too when she dumped him? Heck, she must have a deal with that company with the way she’s bouncing back and forth among men. When you told her it was hard to accept her protestations of eternal devotion, I’d love to know what she said to that one! What you have to do now is disappear. I know she’s always on your mind, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Why would you want to think about the sins she’s committing with another man?” When you ask whether love triumphs over all, the fact that you’d even use that phrase shows me how little you understand about women.

Remember, guys: If they live with someone else, they don’t care for you.

Dating Ugly Girls Hey Doc, I’m one of your old fans and I have found "The System” to be very truthful. However, I have a problem that I can’t find a solution for, and I hope you can help me with it. I’ve been struggling with this issue for three months now and it’s still not resolved. No one among my friends is wise enough to give me what I consider to be solid advice.

she’s not a 10 I met Sandrine a year ago, and since that time, we’ve become so close that we started talking about marriage. My problem resides in me, and not in her. I love the girl very much, and she has every good point that you’d want in a wife, except for one: her looks. It’s not that she’s unattractive, but she’s not a “10.” Unfortunately, looks are very important to me. I know that if I resolve this issue I can go forward in my life with confidence in my decisions. This is the way it works, Doc: Despite the fact that I love Sandrine, when a Beautiful Woman approaches me, I feel that there’s a hole inside me that needs to be filled; a hole that my partner, despite all of her good points, cannot fill. Why? Because I feel like I have a need for a Beauty.

needing beautiful women I know it sounds crazy, but if I love Sandrine, why can’t I be satisfied with her? Another thing that bothers me is that if I dump Sandrine, what are the chances that I’d find a Beautiful Woman with all of her attributes? I know I’d have to be very, very lucky. Doc, I’m not a novice when it comes to women. Sandrine is my ninth girlfriend, and I’ve seen beautiful things in both her mind and heart that I never saw in any of my exes. I am desperately in need of your coaching. Sharp - who doesn’t know if he should cut her loose

doc love’s answer

Hi Sharp, Thanks for the compliment. It’s too bad that your friends can’t help you, but my job is to help you see the forest through the trees, and that’s what I’m going to do. I just hope it was Sandrine and not you who brought up the subject of marriage, because it’s the woman who should always bring up marriage; it proves her Interest Level beyond a shadow of a doubt. But if Sandrine’s less-than-spectacular looks are a problem, then you don’t love her very much, pal. So you just contradicted yourself. Do you love her or don’t you? As the old cowboy saying goes, “You can’t have it both ways.” Doc Love forces Sharp to ask himself some deep-cutting questions…

you want a trophy So, you’ve got a fixation on hotties, and you don’t feel like a man unless you have one hanging off your arm. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, if physical beauty is so important to you, maybe you should run a modeling agency.” But looking deeper into your impasse, what’s obvious is that we’re really talking about two different issues here. The compulsion to possess a Beautiful Woman is one side of the coin and it says that you’re a certain kind of guy -- the kind who values outer beauty as more important than what’s on the inside. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Naomi Campbell wouldn’t scare you off, even if you had to duck a cell phone or two and sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.” But then you turn around and talk about an emptiness in yourself, and that’s another subject altogether. Now, I don’t have a sheepskin on my wall, but I can tell you this: That part of your problem has nothing to do with romance. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This is a need that’s not healthy.”

you're wasting her time Nevertheless, you just can’t seem to feel good about yourself because Sandrine is not a clone of Angie Everhart. This fact begs the following questions: Why did you ask her out in the first place? Why did you get involved with her at all? Why did you waste this girl’s time? (See ladies, I’m not so bad!) Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What the heck were you thinkin’, boy? When you met her, you could see that she had a chin that belonged on a Clydesdale!” So now you’re going to get rid of this girl and you haven’t even asked her to consider seeing a plastic surgeon. What are the chances of finding a Beauty with all of her inner attributes? Zero. You never will, Sharp. And that’s what’s sad about this letter. But you’re into looks. And let me assure you of something, my friend: You will pay dearly for them.

settle for a lower grade But before doing something drastic, you have to ask yourself this: Is Sandrine attractive? Not gorgeous, but attractive. Are you attracted to her? If you’re attracted to her, then we have a GO. The point is that, with Sandrine, you’re not going to have an A and you have to accept it. You’ll have to be satisfied with a B minus. But that’s a choice you have to make for yourself. Doc Love let’s Sharp in on what it’s like to date Beautiful Women… You’ve only had nine girlfriends, Sharpy? Heck, that’s nothing. You’re still wet behind the ears. Let me ask you this: How many dates have you had? Most importantly: How many of those dates were with BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? Because you better darned well know what you’re in for if you’re going to deep-six Sandrine and chase after the Pamela Andersons of the world.

self-sacrifice for beautiful women And if you’re lucky enough to snag a “10,” are you ready for your life to be ALL ABOUT HER 24/7? Whether you realize it or not, that’s what’s going to happen with the majority of the Beauties. I suggest you go back to the chapter “BEAUTIFUL WOMEN” in the Dating Dictionary to refresh your memory of what you’re going to be dealing with. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you got no clue what you’re up against.” In the end, if you cut Sandrine loose, you’ll have to tell yourself that looks, which will fade, are more important than this woman’s great personality, which will last forever. This is what you’ll have to convince yourself of. And ultimately, this is the price you’ll have to pay. Think about it. To you Psych majors, the girls that you thirst for on the covers of Vogue and Mademoiselle are fantasies. They’re not real people when they’re on the newsstand. So, Sharp, what’s your level of maturity? Are you in touch or out of touch with reality? Remember, guys: If her looks aren’t good enough for you, don’t waste her time.

Don't Do Her Any Favors Hey Doc, First of all, let me say that your writings have been a great source of advice and inspiration for me. Now on to my story. I am 32 years old and have been living in my apartment for some time. Last year, this incredibly hot girl, Farrah, moved in four floors above me. We ran into one

another a couple of times on the stairs, but never really said more than the occasional “Hi, how are you doing,” etc. Just recently, we started running into each other a little more frequently for some reason, and whenever we did, I managed to start up a conversation. One day, Farrah even asked me to fix her car when I told her that I love working on my ’94 Chevy. I did and it was a lot of fun just being around her.

i’m unemployed Farrah is in her early 20s and works as an office clerk. I went to college, but as it stands, I’ve been unemployed for six months, and there’s little hope that I’ll find a new job anytime soon. And therein lies the problem: How do I get an attractive young woman like Farrah to go out with me? I haven’t told her my age yet (like I said, I’m 32, but all my friends tell me I look 25 or even younger) or that I’m out of work, because I figure there’s probably no chance she’ll want to waste time with some deadbeat who’s 10 years her senior. I’m very good at not giving other people too much info about myself too soon, but somehow I feel like a liar already.

i'm afraid to ask her out I don’t think Farrah is seeing anyone right now -- at least she never talks about a boyfriend and I never see her with a guy. There’s definitely a great deal of chemistry between us, and sometimes I just think, “What the heck, ask her out already!” What should I do? I’d love to take Farrah out on a date, but I’m worried that she’ll be put off by my age and lack of a job. Slick - who’s not had much luck with girls or work

doc love’s answer Hi Slick, My job is inspiring, because I’m coaching you to want to go out there and win the girls as opposed to staying stuck in your rut as a loser. Doc doesn’t mince his words… When you and Farrah originally started running into each other, I just hope she was the one saying hello to you first. Because you’re not supposed to be talking to her first. (And when she was running up and down the stairs I hope you didn’t stand there gaping at her either!) I want the girl starting the conversations. She lives in your building. You’re going to be running into her periodically. Let her come at you with the chitchat. Let her ask how you are. Let her linger when she sees you. To you Psych majors, I want her adding to her buying

signals. But when the man jumps in with his big mouth and starts blabbing, he doesn’t give her the opportunity. The result is that you don’t know a thing about her Interest Level. And YOUR 85% Interest Level means nothing.

stop doing her favors Slick, what did you get out of fixing Farrah’s car? As soon as she asked you to work on it (for free, I’m assuming, like you’re doing everything else in your life), you should have said “And what’s for dinner?” If there were the slightest hesitation on her part, you’d know she was just looking to date a mechanic (which is better than no job at all!). I’m sure it was fun hanging around Farrah, but what about her? Did she have a fun time? Or, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Was she just impressed by the fact that she didn’t get a repair invoice for $78.56?” By the way, my friend, are you hitting the streets with a suit and tie looking for a job eight to 10 hours a day? Are you pounding on doors? If you’re doing all that, you’re fine, guy. But let me tell you something. Let’s say you do succeed in getting Farrah to go out with you, and you do everything right for the first time in your life. And six months go by, and then you’re out of work for a full calendar year, you’re not driving a Mercedes and you’re still stuck with that old “classic.” Sooner or later, Farrah’s going to start putting two and two together and saying to herself, “Where’s this guy going?”

get a job Slick, in your deprived circumstances you get a hot, young babe to go out with you by hitting the lottery. By the way, have you ever noticed that when someone asks, “How old are you?” and you say “50,” they never say, “Gee, you don’t look a day under 65!” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If everybody looks younger, maybe we should lower everybody’s age.” Slick might still be able to get the girl… Being 10 years Farrah’s senior is fine, as long as you’re a corporate lawyer making $128,000 a year, driving a new Corvette and your weekend car is a spanking new SUV. I think it’s great that you don’t spill too much info about yourself, because usually when you like a girl, you feel the compulsion to tell her everything about yourself in the first 10 minutes. And in your case, it means you’d have to tell her you’re at least 32 and you’ll probably never have a job again. You don’t know who Farrah is seeing, dude. Unless you’re Donald Trump and have the money to hire someone to follow her around 24/7, you don’t know anything about her. Mister Trump can afford to check her out, but you can’t. Since you’re on unemployment compensation, you have to worry about making the monthly rent.

you can still get her Farrah never talked about her boyfriend because she wanted you to fix her car first. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t worry, once her vehicle passes inspection, she’ll be talking about all kinds of guys.” You’ve not told me one single thing that Farrah does to verify that she has any kind of chemistry with you. All you’ve talked about is your high Interest Level, the fact that you live in an old apartment, you’re long in the tooth, you can’t get a job, and nobody likes you. Here’s what you do: Don’t talk about your nonexistent job or that you’re on “hellfare.” If Farrah asks how old you are, tell you’re 73, and she’ll laugh, then ask her how old she is before she can call you a liar. And if she asks if you’re working, you answer, “Presently I’ve got three companies on the line and I just don’t know which one to choose.” If she’s really dumb, tell her, “Honey, I’m between careers.” Remember, guys: It’s hard to work girls when you don’t have any moolah.

Dealing With Blockers Hey Doc, Just recently, I started reading your column and have found it fascinating. I wonder if you could give me some feedback on a problem I’m facing. I was at a party a week ago at my buddy’s apartment. It was a blast at first. The people there -especially the girls -- were really fun, and I thought I got a few interested in me. Soon after midnight, though, a lot of other guys showed up. I was trying to get a few phone numbers since it was late, but these latecomers swarmed over whatever girl I chose to concentrate on. They were obviously trying to grab and dominate their attention.

guys kept blocking One girl, Deirdre, seemed like she wanted to continue talking to me, but the new guys were so annoying that she became hesitant and uncomfortable. She was clearly trying to block these guys out so that she could talk to me, but that attempt was pretty much futile. I looked at my options: A) I could be up front with these other dudes and tell them that I was having a conversation and to stop interrupting.

B) I could give in to my frustration by starting a fight or just leaving. C) I could forget the whole thing and hang out with my friends until later that night when the party thinned out a bit.

he couldn't get her number I knew that talking to these guys wouldn’t help because it rarely does anything good in a drunken college affair, and I would’ve appeared weak to this girl if I'd demanded they back off in vain. I didn’t want to try and lead this girl away because, in that environment, girls can be suspicious of your motives. After being hounded by these guys, Deirdre left with her friends. Ultimately, I left in frustration, and I know that if I had stayed with Deirdre, I could’ve gotten her number, but I have a really hard time dealing with Blockers. And it seems like they are everywhere, even among my own friends. What am I supposed to say or do to get pushy, attention-grabbing guys to give me some room? Silva - who hates to give ground

doc love’s answer Hi Silva, You know why my column is so fascinating? Because I don’t sound like any of the other love doctors out there. Have you guys ever noticed that? Now, you mean to tell me you waited until after midnight to go hunting for home phone numbers? Man, you should have closed these girls when they were still laughing. Or like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You should have been taking numbers when they were still awake.” Find out what Silva should have done... Pal, you spent way too much time with these girls before thinking about going after their phone numbers. Once you get anywhere from five to 15 minutes in with a girl and you have her giggling, you’re asking for her home phone number. You can’t be rapping to them and making them laugh at 9:00, and then waiting until dawn to take action. To you Psych majors, when you spend too much time with a girl before going for the phone number, Murphy’s Law is going to kick in -- THINGS WILL GO WRONG. Guaranteed.

get her number earlier

And it was already too late when the football team showed up bombed at the party. That’s why you should have done it much earlier. Heck, if you had just handed Dierdre your business card and a pen and yelled, “HOME PHONE NUMBER!” into her face, I don’t care how many guys were swarming over her, she would have handed it right over if she had any interest in you at all. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Hey, they weren’t pinning her arms behind her back, were they?” Guy, you have to pretend like your life depends on getting those 10 digits. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If you don’t ask for the home phone number, why did you go to the party?” Now let’s look at your three options. Telling the boys from Animal House to stop interrupting wasn’t going to work -- they were rowdy and hammered. Starting a fight or storming out in a hissy fit would have made you even more of a loser than you ended up being. Likewise for waiting around until the crowd thinned: By the time the party petered out, all the girls would have already gone home exhausted or chased off by the drunken frat rats.

don't pick a fight But Silva, you wouldn’t have appeared weak if you had told those jerks to back off. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, lots of girls dig macho guys. Why do you think George Clooney has to beat them off with a stick?” Dude, girls aren’t going to be suspicious of your motives if they have high Interest Level. They won’t care what your motives are. Like the great Doctor Freud said, “My son, look at how many of them go off with Dennis Rodman.”

take her away Silva, you should have grabbed Deirdre by the hand, taken her straight outside the apartment door and said, “What’s your home phone number?” Or pulled her into the bathroom, locked the door and let the Blockers in their drunken stupor try to beat the door down as you’re getting a number while sitting on the toilet seat. Find out how Silva could have gotten her number... But instead, Deirdre left with her friends and you never CLOSED. The most important chapter in the Dating Dictionary is “Closing the Deal.” Looks like you didn’t read that one, Silva! So you count Blockers among even your own close friends… Hear that, guys? Like my cousin General Love says, “When it comes to girls, you can’t even trust the man next to you in the foxhole.” In the end, the only guy who has your best interests in mind is me.

take initiative What you have to do is this: CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. If you want to get her phone number and you’re surrounded by the enemy, you grab her hand and you pull. If she has high Interest Level, she’ll follow you. If she doesn’t, she’s going to slip out of your hands like she was greased. Remember, guys: If you’re not going to ask for the home phone number, why are you talking to her?

Doc Love: She Cheated Hey Doc, I’m new to your columns, but I’ve found that they are full of wonderful information and advice. Congratulations on the great work. I’ll cut directly to the chase. I have been with my girlfriend, Sydney, for about four years now. She’s very attractive, so I must have done something right to have her for so long. But recently, Sydney confessed to me that she made out with a couple of other men while she was with me. She told me she could hold it in no longer, and I needed to know about this if our relationship was going to last and be about honesty.

i wasn’t happy Needless to say, I was a little less than thrilled. I didn't talk to Sydney for a few days, but after a conversation with her mother, in which she told me that her daughter believes she made the biggest mistake of her life by telling me this garbage, I sat down and took a long, hard look at all of my options. I came to the conclusion that my one real option is dumping Sydney and going after other women. That was my brain talking. My gut said otherwise. My gut has never let me down, and my gut tells me that Sydney is the girl I want.

i forgave her Doc, I forgave Sydney and we are working on trying to build a stronger relationship out of this. But here’s the problem: The amount of time we talk has diminished. I also feel that Sydney’s Interest Level has dropped inexplicably. I understand the concept of Challenge, but how do you remain a Challenge without making the woman feel as if you do not have an interest in her? I feel that with Sydney backing off, I

have to make sure that she knows that I still love her, and the only way to do that is to pursue her. I’d really appreciate any help you could give me. West - who feels like he’s losing ground

doc love’s answer Hi West, First of all, thanks for the compliment. It’s my job to coach men to see Reality, and that’s what I’m going to do for you. Sydney might be beautiful and charming, but does she love West? Now, on to your problem with the beautiful Sydney. It’s a half-truth that you did something right to keep her for so long. You might have boosted this girl’s Interest Level to 95% in the first three months of your relationship, and then for the next three and a half years, it languished at 40% to 49%, and she just hasn’t decided how to leave and she’s been mentally gone all that time. Or you could have been with her for three and half years and her Interest Level was 95% all that time, but for the last six months, you’ve been doing everything wrong. But no matter how it went down, now you’re in trouble, and that’s all that matters.

can you really forgive her? So, Sydney’s been making out with other men on the sly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Are you sure it was only two men she was kissing?” Now think about this “confession” logically -- and I’m talking to all you women out there as well. Does this kind of thing raise Interest Level? Does this make the guy like you more? Can he forgive your sins? (And no, he’s not a Catholic priest, so he can’t do Confession.) Forget “honesty.” Sydney should have kept her mouth shut, never cheated again and hoped to God you never found out about it. That is, West, if you didn’t have her mixed up with someone who cared. Because blabbing about her infidelities actually indicates the opposite. But since you did find out about it straight from the horse’s mouth, Destiny is going to take a little turn here.

honesty is irrelevant This isn’t about honesty at all, West. It’s about openness. I want you to be honest, but not open. The same goes for Sydney.

You didn’t talk to Sydney for a few days? How about not talking to her for a few years? And what are you doing yakking to her mom about your troubles? Or like my cousin General Love says, “Why are you going to the enemy’s mother?” West, the reason Sydney made out with these other guys is because she has low Interest Level -- in you. To you Psych majors, believe it or not, girls with high Interest Level don’t want to make out with other guys. I know that’s a hard nut to swallow, but it happens to be the truth.

you should have dumped her So after getting your head bashed in, you went off and considered your options. You don’t have any options here, West. The only option you have is “Adios, baby!” And it’s not really an option, because an option implies two or more choices. West was never a Challenge… But you did arrive at that very conclusion on your own: You have to dump Sydney. Congratulations! Perfect! You hit it right on the head. But you have it backward, pal, about what led you to that solution. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That wasn’t your brain talking -- that was your Intuition talking.” You’re right: Your gut has never let you down. Your gut is telling you right now that this isn’t a good deal, but due to your sky-high Interest Level, you want to believe it’s one thing when it’s really another. Your gut is telling you that Sydney should have “DANGER!” tattooed on her forehead. Then maybe the truth would sink in. But what did you do? You went and forgave her instead. Very disappointing, my friend. Worse, you two want to work on a “better relationship.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “What is she doing, taking Loyalty and Trust classes?”

she’s not the problem The problem isn’t that you’re talking to Sydney less, Westie. You’re the problem here because you were too available and you put this girl on a pedestal and she got bored. Women with Interest Levels in the 90s are never bored for some reason. But when Interest Level is 55%, you’re on very shaky ground. And here you’re talking about what a great writer I am and all the wonderful stuff I’ve given you, and it’s gone in one eyeball and out the other! Finally, you tell me that Sydney’s Interest Level has dropped inexplicably. What is that, Russian for “two other guys”?

you don’t understand challenge

You have no clue about the concept of Challenge, dude. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. You never were a Challenge, West. The whole idea is to make her think you have no interest in her. What you’re trying to say here is that Sydney’s going to fall in love with your high Interest Level. But what she really doesn’t like is that you’re the opposite of a Challenge. Are you sure you read my columns? Guys, when you’re out, you have to back off. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a chump. Or a stalker. Remember, guys: When you’re losing ground, you have to disappear.

Doc Love: She Has Issues Hey Doc, For starters, I think that your advice is nothing short of pure genius. It’s always a pleasure to read anything you’ve written.

she’s jealous and cruel I’ve been dating Kimberly for about 20 months now. We’ve been relatively happy with each other and we seem to have a lot of good chemistry. But there are some pervasive problems in our relationship. Kimberly has a jealous streak that is unbearable. There was an incident recently that resulted in her almost slitting my throat over a close female friend getting “too close” to me. Afterward, she chalked it up to her “woman’s intuition,” which is her excuse to get nasty with me. Other problem areas include her family. They fight with each other venomously all the time and her mom goes as far as to use me as a weapon against Kimberly. Now her brother, whom I haven’t met yet, is living at home with them again, and I am worried that he is going to become another person that I have to fight with for Kimberly’s attention. Worst of all, every time a fight starts between us over something trivial, it follows a fight with her family (even if a few days have gone by).

she even admits i can do better Kimberly is always telling me that she’s a burden to me, that I deserve better and that there are better girls out there for me. Being a Psych major, I know that she is looking for me to come out and say that I want to be with her and no one else, but it seems that this is never good enough to keep her happy. Not too long ago, she told me that if I found someone I liked better, it would be OK for me to leave her. But recently, as a joke, I mentioned breaking up

and she was really freaked out by that. I have been spending a lot of time brooding over the things that frustrate me in this relationship, so I have become kind of sour toward Kimberly. Despite the fact that we have been pretty happy together, I am wondering if I should stay with this girl who can be sweet sometimes, bitter at others, and then pull a complete 180 and tell me how I should leave her and that she is unworthy of me. I just want to know if it’s time to jump ship or if I should try to weather the storm? Any thoughts? Bruton - who’s lost in Chicago

doc love’s answer Hi Bruton, Thanks for the compliments on my work. I just hope that you’re memorizing what I write and then doing it. There are always going to be problems in relationships; the question is: How deep are they and how often do they come up? Think about it: If she flips out every time you leave the toilet seat up, do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? I disagree that Kimberly’s jealous streak is unbearable. You’re still with her, aren’t you? If it were truly unbearable, you would have left by now. Find out what Doc Love thinks this girl is all about...

she’s insecure Here’s what a normal woman would have said to herself when she saw another girl hitting on you: “Gee, look at that girl trying to rip me off. But guess what? Bruton is taking me home tonight in his car. And she won’t be there. This girl can try anything she wants, because I know that Bruton really digs me.” But that’s not what Kimberly did. No, she was ready to behead you for glancing in this other babe’s direction. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got a real wild thang there, pal. I just hope you’re man enough to handle her.”

she’s immature The sad part of this situation is that the only thing Kimberly looked at was her “woman’s intuition,” because she’s twisting the meaning of those words. If she were really attuned to her female intuition, she would have said to herself, “Don’t be jealous, Kim, Bruton’s with you.”

Dude, if Kimberly’s home is a boxing ring, stay out of there. You don’t have to fight for her attention. All you have to do is call her up and make a date to have her meet you -- someplace else. Every time you go to the house, you have a problem with psycho Dad and psycho Mom, so why hang around there? To you Psych majors, if the place is a rattlesnake pit, don’t jump into it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “With all this battling, it sounds to me like you and Kimberly have a real healthy relationship, man.”

get out of there But Kimberly is giving you an out. Heck, even she knows she’s a burden to you, and she’s practically begging you to leave. She’s telling you she’s screwed up, and as this column says, WOMEN DON’T LIE and MEN DON’T LISTEN, THEY DON’T SEE and THEY DON’T PAY ATTENTION. What more do you need, pal? Are you going to wait around until things get really dangerous? And she claims you deserve better. Wrong. You don’t deserve better, Bruton. You deserve pain. That’s why you’re still with Kimberly. But you actually think your girl is so generous that she wants you to find someone new. Is that your intuition talking too? She’s not really telling you that you deserve to be with someone better, though. The girl’s looking for a Challenge, not someone who’s pressuring her. And you say you read my articles? Are you sure about that? Should Bruton stay with this chick or what? When I hear from a girl that if I find someone better I can leave her, it really makes me feel great! And of course something like that speaks volumes about her Interest Level in you. Do women with high Interest Level really want you in the arms of another woman? What you’re not seeing is that Kimberly’s not freaked out by the two of you breaking up -- she wants you out.

“relatively happy” is not happy You’re sour all right, Bruton, but not sour enough to drop Kimberly. Actually, you insist that you’ve been pretty happy together. Come again? What am I missing here? Going out with this girl is like tiptoeing through a minefield, her family is the psycho family from hell, and you’re on cloud nine? You must like skydiving without a backup chute too. The best part of all this is that you’re a Psych major! Like the great Doctor Freud said, “I won’t be referring anyone to you for treatment.”

she’s not the one So don’t do anything drastic like break up with Kimberly, Bruton. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you take enough drugs whenever you’re with this girl, you’ll be fine.”

My friend, are you sure you majored in psychology? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remind me not to send my children to your school!” Remember, guys: Never go out with someone who has more problems than you do.

Flirting With Married Women Hey Doc, I need some advice. I’ve known Marilyn for 11 years. We used to work together until she transferred to another department. She knew I liked her when I gave her chocolates for Valentine’s Day. I also would remember her birthday and give her roses. When her mother was suffering with cancer, I was there for her as well. When she passed away, I took flowers to her grave. After this gesture, Marilyn said she adored me. I told her it was bittersweet when she transferred. She asked why and I told her that I’d always liked her, but since she’d transferred, I’d probably just have to forget about her.

she dropped the m-bomb When I got through telling her this, Marilyn said she was speechless. She said that she was married, which I didn’t know, and that it would not be good for us to have any kind of relationship. She said she just wanted to be friends with me. But she did admit that she also thought about me and that she felt like a schoolgirl when she did. She said that if she hadn’t been married, maybe it would have been different between us. I told her I understood. But after this confrontation, she began giving me mixed signals. When she visited my department, she’d knock on the door and tell me she came to visit her boyfriend -- me! Now here’s a girl who knows I like her very much and she continues to look for me. Some time later, Marilyn said she was going to be working in my department for three weeks and asked if I wanted to ride the train to and from work with her. She told me how sweet I was, and that we should get together for lunch.

what does she want? If Marilyn knows that I’m interested in her, why would she put me in this spot? Doc, please help. Does Marilyn just want a friendship or does she really want a relationship? Powell - who’s confused about her motives

doc love’s answer Hi Powell, Let me ask you a question: Why isn’t Marilyn giving you chocolates on Valentine’s Day? Or any other day, for that matter? This is one of the biggest problems men have with women: They never think that they should be on the receiving end of some goodies once in a while. I’m sure that you took flowers to her mom’s grave, Powell, and it was very nice of you. But I have to ask you this: When you’re around Marilyn, are you usually dressed in a butler’s uniform? Hey, Marilyn should adore you, because you’re very good to her. But I don’t hear a thing about what Marilyn’s doing for you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Dude -what about her Interest Level?” How could Powell not know she was married after 11 years? When you delivered your sappy ultimatum about having to forget about her when she was transferred, you were lying, pal -- you were about to go out and commit suicide over her and you know it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Come on, boy. You know you’re a weakling.” Then you found out the stunning news that Marilyn was hitched. In other words, you’ve been fawning over a woman for 11 years, and in all that time, it never came out that she was married? And you never checked? Wow. This girl should be a mole for President Putin. She’s very good at keeping secrets. Like my cousin General Love would say, “You sure she’s not ex-KGB?”

she’s off-limits When she said that you two couldn’t have a relationship, it showed that at least she has a little class. And if she actually used the word “schoolgirl,” she must really dig you. But you know who I really feel sorry for here? Her old man. She’s running around having crushes on men and the poor dope is clueless. But the bottom line is this: She’s off-limits. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What do you think you’re doing, bro? This babe is MARRIED!” When Marilyn continues to look for you whenever she’s in your department, she’s just playing with your head, my friend. Notice that she chases after you at work where she’s safe? She’s not coming on to you in a bar, and she’s not coming on to you in her living room dressed in Victoria’s Secret lingerie either. She’s completely insulated when she’s in the middle of 200 other people, so she just comes over and fools around with you the way a cat toys with a mouse. Whenever she has an argument with her husband, she shows up and gets a little charge out of watching you get all wound up. Then she feels better.

don’t be her toy The most pathetic thing is that Marilyn knows you’re either desperate enough or dumb enough -- or both -- to keep letting her pull this act on you. So, Marilyn asked you out to lunch? Gee -- not only did you forget she has a husband, she forgot she has a husband, too! I’m telling you, Powell, you’re playing with fire here. As my cousin Rabbi Love would say, “My son, this is very bad karma.” This girl’s a loon, Powell. A loon. As in L-O-O-N. She’s way off the deep end. She has high Interest Level in you, but she has no Integrity. Is she loyal to her husband? No, she’s not. What does that say about her? Until she gets the divorce papers, she’s not available. She doesn’t seem to realize that. (And by the way, she’s showing no signs whatsoever of getting divorce papers!)

forget she exists And here’s something else to think about: How do you know you’re the only guy out of three billion that she’s playing this little head game with? As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What makes you think you’re so special, dog?” Powell, Marilyn doesn’t want a relationship or a friendship with you. She wants a yo-yo. And you are the string. Remember, guys: Until she gets the divorce papers, she’s off-limits.

Dating Your Ex's Friend Hey Doc, I was involved in a relationship for four years with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour note, but I guess they always do, don’t they?

his girlfriend cheated on him What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I put an end to it. I later found out that she cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I was trying so hard to make it work that it was extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship when your partner cheated on you, right? About a month or so after our breakup, I started to pick up some heavy vibes coming from one of our mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was with my ex, I always felt that

Vanessa was interested in me, but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it since she and my ex were tight friends.

i started seeing her friend Well, it’s been about two months now and I’ve been seeing Vanessa occasionally. She’s ready to move into a heavy relationship with me as soon as I say the word. Things couldn’t be better between us, but the problem is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that she is sorry about what happened, that she never meant to hurt me, and that she wants to work on being friends again so that we can be back to where we once were. Terri wants me to end things with Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa wants me to stop talking to or seeing my ex.

both girls are pressuring me Can it really work with someone who was a mutual friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or are there too many issues to ever make the transition smoothly? I have a lot of things in common with Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the other hand, why should I care about someone who nearly destroyed me? If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a chance of rekindling it with her. At the same time, I’m concerned that our connections to my ex might be too much and that her memory will be hovering over both of us forever. Doc, what would you do if you were in my position? Pepper - who doesn’t know if he can overcome the past

doc love’s answer Hi Pepper, It’s interesting that you say things always end on a sour note because the goal of "The System" is to have a woman want to keep you for the rest of her life. And now that people are living into their 70s, 80s and 90s, that’s a very long time and you’re bound to get bored to death with someone. To you Psych majors, you have to always be on top of your game if you expect to keep her in love with you forever and not end on a sour note at least once in your life.

always break up with cheaters

Nevertheless, it was you who ended the relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According to my cousin Rabbi Love, “You did the right thing, my son. And I hope you’re dating lots of other women.” Find out if Doc Love thinks Pepper should get serious with his ex's friend...

never try to make it work What were you trying to make work at the end? Your relationship with Terri was busted. There was nothing to make work. The contract between you and her is null and void. It’s finished. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Once the woman cheats, it’s finito, bro.” But most guys are weak and will give women another shot at screwing with their heads. For your sake, I hope you’re not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper.

you deserve to date her friend Dude, I’m happy you picked up heavy vibes from Vanessa. You deserve something good after being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Isn’t revenge sweet?” And she and your ex were as tight as twins? That’s even more reason to go after Vanessa! Pepper, it’s not a problem at all that your ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually, it’s predictable. Just don’t pick the phone up and don’t call her back. End of problem.

your ex is not worth your time Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about two guys she fooled around with. Like my cousin General Love says, “Hopefully she wasn’t playing with the entire battalion when you weren’t looking.” Vanessa’s right. You shouldn’t be talking to or seeing Terri. She’s ancient history and she’s bad for your head. So make the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and you have something great going, that you don’t want it messed with, and that you and she had a good run, but it’s over. Then, it’s thank you and goodbye.

figure out why your ex cheated But you have another problem here, buddy. You have to figure out how you turned your ex off, because you don’t want it to happen again. You have to figure out why Terri came to hate and resent you so much that she couldn’t wait to be with another man. Did you try to turn her into your mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or were you smothering Terri like a blanket until she ran screaming into another man’s arms?

Find out what Pepper should do for a successful relationship with Vanessa... Of course it can work out between you and Vanessa. Terri and Vanessa are squabbling over you because, as my book says, “Kitty Kats Kompete.” But there won’t be any problems with Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops fawning over you, then you’re in trouble.

forget your ex Your ex might have been a big part of you, but as you just said, she’s your EX. As in ADIOS. As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that you don’t want someone destroying you, but the better question is: Why should you care about someone you can’t trust? So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa, Pepper. Don’t worry about whose ghost is hovering over you. You’ve been reading too many psychology books -- that’s your problem.

get it on with her friend What would I do if I were in your position, pal? I’d fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure you know what you’re doing this time around. Because you only get one shot. Remember, guys: If she strays, don’t give her a second chance to do it again.

Don't Ask Her Out Too Soon

Hey Doc, In the first place, let me commend you on the exceptional contribution you are making to men’s lives. Luckily, I came into contact with your knowledge and wisdom six years ago, and I’ve watched myself evolve from the typical pathetic Wimpus Americanus to a man who is successful with women. Still, after almost seven years, I know there is much more work ahead because your techniques require constant refinement to face the daily war we have to wage when it comes to women.

she’s beautiful Currently, I’m one semester away from completing my law degree, and I’m practicing at the legal aid clinic of my school. Almost all cases at the clinic must be worked on by the students. One of the students is Monique, who is extremely reserved, mysterious and always by herself. She also happens to be the most beautiful girl in school. She has a long line of guys without backbones acting like pet monkeys trying to “score” with her, trying to get her attention,

drooling over her, killing each other for her, etc. Count me out of that pack. For several months, I have limited myself to being well-mannered and respectful to her, but nothing more. I haven’t made the slightest effort to get her attention. Lately, Monique has been sending me very subtle signals of interest. All of a sudden, she’s calling me to discuss strategies for cases or asking me to walk her somewhere. Above all, her body language is very positive. Occasionally, she touches my arm and calls me at home to talk about school.

she turned me down Since she was sending these subtle signs, I decided to ask her out for lunch. She declined the invitation because she said she was too busy with school, but that we could go after the semester ends. Of course, that was woman-speak for a big NO. 10 minutes later, as we were about to hang up, she said, “Don’t forget.” Meaning “don’t forget about my invitation for lunch.” My first thought was that I was being played for a fool. What do you think, Doc? Should I play along with Monique or should I flush her number? Lester - who’s completely clueless on this one

doc love’s answer Hi Lester, In that one powerful phrase -- “the daily war we have to wage with women” -- you’ve said it all right there, my friend. Because until the woman decides that you’re the greatest thing since the hamburger, you’re going to be running the gauntlet against a tribe of angry Mohawks. And remember what my cousin General Love always says: “Soldier, don’t ever forget that dating is a battlefield where the bloody carcasses of many good men have been left for dead.” Is Lester a goner? Find out... It’s nothing short of admirable that you didn’t join the pack of monkeys losing their marbles over this dead ringer for Brooke Burke. By not lifting a finger to get Monique’s attention, you did everything right -- so far. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this is a Beautiful Woman -- it’s just a matter of time before you get yourself into hot water.” Because you’re really no match for this creature, buddy, you have to be on top of your game at all times. I hope you memorized my book like you’re supposed to. Otherwise, you may as well forget about it and stay with your law books.

you were doing everything right

And it was wonderful that Monique asked you to be her bodyguard around the school corridors. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “At least she doesn’t have you doing her homework for her.” If she didn’t want you to walk with her, then she’d be just using you as a tutor. But so far, it looks good. It’s fabulous that Monique called to talk to you about school. This is exactly the way you want to keep it, too. To you Psych majors, you want her coming on to you at all times. Don’t ask her out -- just keep her coming at you and coming at you and coming at you. You have all the time in the world, Lester. You’re not in any hurry. You’re not like all those other chimpanzees who can’t control themselves and throw themselves at Monique. In fact, the reason she gravitated toward you in the first place is because you were the only law student who showed a scintilla of Self-Control in her presence. I hope you realize that, Lester. And I hope you don’t forget it.

you shouldn’t have asked her out So everything was perfect up to a certain point. But then you unraveled. You lost it. Instead of waiting Monique out like a real Challenge, you went and asked her out to lunch. Mistake. MASSIVE MISTAKE. She should have asked you out to lunch. Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, “When you’re dealing with a ‘10,’ you have be as crafty as she is gorgeous.” Well, dude, she turned you down. And you know what that means. If there’s a good part here, it’s that Monique asked you twice to call her back. Ideally, a date should have been set right on the spot. If Monique had said, “Let’s make it Wednesday at seven,” that would have been the best thing. But essentially, she told you to back off. Since she told you twice to call her back, though, she gets credit for a counteroffer.

there’s still hope And here’s something else, Les. You’re going to be hustling other phone numbers from all kinds of other women. You’re not going to wait for this one girl to fall in love with you. If somebody else grabs you first, Monique is out. Are you being played for a fool? It’s possible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “When you’re foolin’ with a Beautiful Woman, you don’t know where the punch is comin’ from.” But on the other hand, what’s the risk here? You’ll make a one-minute phone call when the semester ends and find out whether the girl is sincere or she’s toying with you like she toyed with all the others. But at least you got further along with Monique than those apes did.

enjoy the chase

You should play along with this girl because hopefully she’s playing along with you. And if she’s playing straight with you, then you’ll move forward together. Remember, guys: It’s always better when she chases you.

She Has Baggage Hey Doc, What’s your opinion of “damaged goods”? I guess the smartest move is to never get involved in the first place, but what if you don’t know that going in? I dated Samantha, a great girl with some heavy baggage, for just over a year. She’s had some terrible things happen to her, and some of them involved me. (I won’t go into specifics because I know that your column is G-rated.) Anyway, she kept waffling on our relationship, wanting it but unable to fully commit to it. Each time that happened, I pulled back and told her to give me a call when she figured herself out. After a few days, she would. This back-and-forth went on for a while. She would get really into it, talk about marriage, wanting to have kids, and all that stuff. But I wanted the relationship to prove stable before I moved into any of those areas.

i walked away Finally, things unraveled and I walked. I cut Samantha out of my life cold turkey. But she kept calling. I was heartless -- I just completely ignored her. After about five months, we ran into each other, went for coffee, and rekindled it. I was still angry at her and wasn’t as kind as I should’ve been. She hung in, giving me gifts and telling me she loved me. Two weeks later, I ran into Samantha at a party when she was with another guy. We talked a couple of days later and she said that despite what some of her friends thought was best, she was choosing me. Here’s where I finally gave in. We spent a week together talking about the future and having kids and planning holidays, and then she called me to say she was scared and that she couldn’t do it. She said she needed to get professional help for her head.

she did it again Doc, I don’t get it. I thought I was over Samantha and doing well, but I saw something in her recently that was better than before, and I really thought I could give it a shot. Is this just because I saw her with some other guy? Am I being an idiot? What’s my play here? I don’t want to open myself to getting punched in the gut, but I think about Samantha a lot and wonder if we should be together.

How can I keep things light and fun if there’s all this heavy baggage around? Should I just let Samantha go? Rupert - who doesn’t know if he can go through it again

doc love’s answer Hi Rupert, You said it’s the “smartest move to not get involved in the first place.” It’s ironic that in practically the first line of your letter, you already have your answer. Amazing, isn’t it? No one knows about all the baggage a woman is carrying going into a relationship. But if you’ve memorized my principles, you will recognize problems -- RED FLAGS -- a lot sooner so you can get out quicker. To you Psych majors, make your mistakes quickly so you don’t waste your time down the line! The point is this, pal: We’re all human beings, which means we’re not perfect. Everybody has scars. Everybody has baggage. But some people for some reason want to rub it in the face of their partners. And that’s the problem with heavy baggage -- it keeps rearing its ugly head. Is Samantha crazy?

what’s her interest level? So you’ve got a “waffler” on your hands with Samantha. Let me ask you a question, my friend: Do women with 95% Interest Level in a guy ever waffle? Talk about doublespeak! When you told Samantha to call you when she figured herself out, you finally did something right. That was beautiful. It’s exactly what Humphrey Bogart would have done. When she stopped calling you, though, it meant that she just finally got tired of harassing you. She didn’t really change her mind about her inconsistent feelings. This girl’s still nuts, man. When she goes back and forth with you like a yo-yo, why do you answer the phone? Even though she talks about all the right stuff, she’s a wacko. Hey, it makes a lot of sense that you wanted the relationship to be stable before you got into marriage and kids with this nutcase. Duh.

she likes being ignored It was fantastic that you completely ignored Samantha after you cut her out of your life. But when you happen to run into each other, you can’t be going for coffee like a couple of old friends. Hanging out with a person who is poison for you is like giving a beer to a reformed

alcoholic. And of course that was your blunder. I’m sure Samantha loves you, Rupert. But her Interest Level only reaches 100% when you back off. Only when you’re a CHALLENGE does this girl go bananas for you, which means that you’re pressuring her whenever you go back to her. So you’re leaving out a big part of what’s going on here. When Samantha dangles a carrot in front of your nose, you don’t go back in slowly and cautiously; you BARGE back in like a fullback for the St. Louis Rams.

you should have cut her off When you spotted Samantha with that other guy, you should have turned around and walked straight out of that joint. As soon as you set eyes on them, you should have left. And why in the world were you talking to her a couple of days later? No communication, dude! Remember: You’ve moved to North Dakota. The FBI is hiding you. You’re in the Witness Protection Program. And this loony is talking to her girlfriends about you to boot. What do they have to do with any of this? You “finally” gave in at that point? Like my cousin General Love says, “If you were a country, soldier, there’d be no more ground left to surrender.”

she’s just crazy Gee, I’m shocked that Samantha said she was scared and couldn’t go through with your mutual life plans. No, she protested, she needs a shrink. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “When a cuckoo tells you she’s cuckoo, you have to believe her!” But after all this torture and torment, you insist you saw something better in Samantha this time around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off the Wild Turkey!” You lost what little Self-Control you had left when you saw her with another guy, so that’s part of what’s drawing you back. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were thinking about what they were doing in his car.”

don’t look back Are you an idiot? I think that classification is too high for where you are on the Common Sense Scale. What’s your play here? There’s an old saying in sales: “When it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out.” Don’t try to be a tough guy and hang in there, Rupert. Avoid this woman at all costs. Let me tell you something: You’re going to get punched in the gut if you two should happen to get together. You said it again yourself: You can’t keep it light and funny when there’s all this heavy baggage around.

And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You can’t let somebody go who’s already gone.” Remember, guys: When you realize she’s a wack job, take a hike.

Get Her Number Hey Doc, I’ve had your book for a few months now, and I have to say that it’s helping me see the light as far as women and dating go. I’m interested in Valerie, a very attractive young woman in my psychology class. I noticed her checking me out from the beginning, but I tried to remain a Challenge and waited until she initiated a conversation with me one day after class. I kept it light and easy and teased her. The conversation kept going, but -- I know, this was probably a mistake -- instead of asking for her home phone number, I said, “Valerie, would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?” She said, “Right now?” and I answered, “Yes, let’s go to the Starbucks right down the street.”

we went for coffee So we went and drank coffee for 35 minutes. (I paid for the date, by the way). During these 35 minutes, she asked lots of personal questions like “What do you do?” “What are you studying in college?” “Tell me about your family,” and so on. I saw all of these questions as buying signals. However, Valerie did not touch me once during this impromptu coffee date. My question to you is this: Should she have touched me during this date or does that only apply to the first FULL date (restaurant and dancing and the like)?

i asked for her number One more thing. I made the mistake -- due to anxiety and being new to your principles -- of not asking for her home phone number after the date. The next time I saw her, I did ask for it, however. Her answer was that she didn’t have a home phone. She then told me, “I have a cell phone, though.” I then said, “I don’t want the cell phone, I want the HOME phone number, the hardwired phone.” She asked for my cell phone number, but I refused to give it to her. Was this the wrong thing to do? Your coaching is going to save my life, Doc. Jay - who hopes he hasn’t ruined everything

doc love’s answer

Hi Jay, Helping you to see the light is the whole idea behind my philosophy. In other words, when it comes to women, I want to take you from a C-minus student to a solid straight-A student. The good and the bad of Jay’s situation… It’s great that Valerie initiated a conversation with you because when a girl does that, it signifies incoming interest. To you Psych majors, when interest is incoming, you’re not being rejected. And it’s beautiful, too, that you kept it light and funny and teased her -- that’s what you’re supposed to do.

feel her out What we’re trying to do is feel the girl out psychologically. We want to see if she wants to play. If she doesn’t want to play, she’ll turn you down. With my techniques, you’re going to discover in no uncertain terms when she wants to play and when she doesn’t. Let’s move on to what I’ll call the fiasco of the phone number. I’ve been doing this -- helping men -- for 35 years, Jay. Asking for the home phone number is my rock-bottom, number-one principle. And here you’re trying to change it. If you’ve read my book even once, you can’t not see that it instructs you again and again to ask for the home phone number. But you insisted on deviating from the path. You told yourself, “I’ll do this and this and this instead because Doc doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing and I do.” Now here you are in trouble when you didn’t have to be.

you moved too fast Let’s look at what you did. Guy, you should be waiting five to nine days to get the girl to Starbucks. But because you’re not patient, you’re rushing things, like most men do. Big mistake. Like my cousin General Love says, “Attacking before the time is right only invites disaster.” So, you think Valerie was sending you buying signals. Well, you got it half right, pal. The other half of it is that she has weak Interest Level -- somewhere between 51% and 60% -- and she wanted to flush you out right up front. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Lots of girls will ask you questions -- it doesn’t mean they like you.” And by the way, when she interrogated you, I hope you came back at her like Robin Williams and hit her with a stream of one-liners.

you should have interviewed her

You’re the one who should have been asking her the majority of the questions, dude. And what you tell me in your letter is that you didn’t dominate the questioning. You should have been running the interview. And because of her mediocre Interest Level, she wasn’t going to waste time with you, so she put you through the wringer. It’s called the hard interview. And what verifies that she was doing the hard interview was that she didn’t touch you. What Jay should have done about the phone number situation… What it boils down to is this: You can’t sit with a girl who likes you and not have her tap your arm. Valerie should have touched you. And if she didn’t bump you at Starbucks, she should have said, “I had a very nice time -- please give me a call” when you walked her to the car. And you would’ve called her one more time because she asked you to. And you would’ve played it out from there.

it’s not looking good But what actually did happen -- she didn’t touch you and she didn’t tell her to call you -- was a red flag. So this doesn’t look strong, Jay. And again, you didn’t ask for the home phone number. Pal, if I’d said to ask for the home phone number just once in the Dating Dictionary, I could’ve understood that you forgot to do it. But you have no excuse because I said it on every page. When Valerie said she didn’t have a home phone number, you should have taken the cell number. And then, when you went to her house to pick her up, you could have checked if there was a hardwired phone. If you’d seen one hanging on the kitchen wall, you would have known she was a liar and had no Integrity, and you would have dropped her. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “We have to collect evidence on this girl because we don’t want you getting a loon.”

it’s too late Jay, you blew this situation by arguing about which phone number to take. If they don’t have a hardwired phone, you’re allowed to drop down. Let me tell you something, pal: There are 200 million cell phones in America. For some people, they are the only telephone. So what do we have here? You didn’t take Valerie’s cell phone number and you refused to give her yours. And you’ve had my book 60 days? I don’t know what you read, man. Maybe you don’t really know how to read. What you did was a horrible blunder. I don’t know if my coaching is going to save your life, Jay. This one’s going to be real close. Remember, guys: If you do all the wrong things, you’re going to lower her Interest Level.

Is Her Flirting Serious? Hi Doc, I met Julianne at work and I always thought we were just friends. I’m an airline pilot, by the way, and she works at one of the airports I fly to on a regular basis. In the past, she talked about her boyfriend and, from my experience, whenever a girl mentions her boyfriend it’s another way of saying, “Don’t ask me out -- I’m already taken.” Nevertheless, we’re both huge animal lovers and always talk about our pets whenever we see each other. In the past month, the following things have happened that make me wonder if Julianne wants to be more than just friends.

she seems interested 1- I bumped into one of her coworkers and he said that “Julianne absolutely loves you. She loves the way you love animals so much.” 2- She has a pair of hedgehogs that are going to have a litter. She offered to give me one and then, without my asking, gave me her phone number “in case I had any questions.” 3- One of my pilot friends who had just flown in from that airport said, “Julianne really likes you. She says you’re her favorite pilot.” 4- She wants to go to a bear sanctuary in Utah and said, “Maybe you could come with me.” 5- Yesterday, she sent me an e-mail in which she said, “We should get married and build a big house in the woods.”

she may just be a flirt Keep in mind that we have never even been out together. I’m flattered by her attention, but I’m wondering why she’s talking about getting married when we’ve never even been on a date. The problem is that I’m really attracted to her and I’d like to get together with her. In the past, I’ve never used "The System" to transition from being “just friends” to a formal relationship with any girl. Doc, what do you think I should do? Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Valdemar - who doesn’t know how to read her

doc love’s answer

Hi Valdemar, You might be right about what a woman means when she mentions her boyfriend. It might indeed be a huge warning sign not to come near her, but there’s a second choice you haven’t thought of: It could also mean: “Ask me out, bring me gifts, worship me, but I’m not leaving him!” Now let’s look at what happened that has you so confused. When Julianne’s coworker relayed all of her compliments to you, you should have asked him, “So, did you ask her out yet?” And she wants to give you a hedgehog at no charge. What you have to realize is that this girl is a veterinarian down deep, you just don’t know it. If you hooked up with her, you’d be competing with raccoons and Great Danes for her attention for the rest of your life.

she has a big mouth Then Julianne went and told your pilot friend that she thinks that you’re the greatest aviator since Howard Hughes. She can’t seem to stop trumpeting how wonderful you are. According to her, you’re the best thing since sausage pizza. Well, Valdemar, one thing we know for sure about this girl is that she has a BIG mouth. Find out what Doc Love really thinks about this Julianne chick... Next, Julianne wants you to play Grizzly Man to her Grizzly Woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Can you imagine what a grizzly bear could do to your body if it got you alone?” And there’s one last thing: Julianne wants to get married and build a house with you in the wilderness. Whoa. Here’s your problem, pal. This girl’s coming on way too slow. Her buying signals aren’t strong enough.

she might be crazy Guys, you have to realize that there are lots of people walking around who are good, upstanding Americans. They vote and they pay their taxes. They study very hard in school and they never break the law. But they’re not long-term material. Let’s look at what’s really happening here: Julianne is going from “just friends” straight to the altar. And you two haven’t even had a first date? Did she even take a breath between those two thoughts? Know what, Valdemar? This broad is crazy she's a L-O-O-N -- as in KOOK. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where do you fellows find these girls?” The good part is that you’re getting wads of buying signals here, my friend. But unfortunately

there’s a bad part. I know this will be hard for you guys to take, but this is an advanced class: You have TOO many buying signals.

she’s not relationship material This girl’s got low self-esteem; she’s needy; she can’t keep her mouth shut. Like my cousin Brother down in Watts says, “Bro, you can’t live with this kind of girl.” Julianne can think about love, but I don’t want her acting on it. I want her to practice some Self-Control instead of spilling all over the place. What should you do, Valdemar? You’ve got a plane, right? You should fly it to Katmandu.

she’ll bring you trouble You may not see it clearly now, but this babe is trouble. She has the right Interest Level, but when it comes to the Baggage and Scar Division, she’s on the board of directors. My little sister wouldn’t give a guy this many buying signals. She might tell one coworker she likes a guy, but not two or three. And she certainly wouldn’t blab to everyone that she wants to go up on a mountain and run around with grizzly bears. And here’s something else: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You have to wonder how many other turkeys she tells this to.”

she’s just too much Julianne’s not leading you on, buddy. But she’s a whack job. To you Psych majors, everything this girl is doing is overdone. It’s out of balance. She’s hitting you with way too much too soon. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It means that between her ears something isn’t wired right.” On the other hand, maybe she’s been in the woods too long. Or as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “You ran out of coke.” Remember, guys: If they come on too strong too fast, you’re going to pay for it later.

Dealing With Her Abusive Past Hey Doc, I’ve gone out with Maureen three times now; she is 40, beautiful and intelligent. I have consistently been a Challenge and a gentleman. She touches me 20-plus times every date and I get a very, very long -- and very, very nice -- goodnight kiss from her each time. She grabs my arm when we walk and initiates 80% of the phone calls between us. I call her only to ask

her out. Each time we go out, I interview Maureen and I try to delve deeper into her past. Here’s the red flag I see: Her father was very controlling and her ex-husband and other boyfriends were abusive Macho Boys. She even dropped the comment (regarding her exes) that they were “men just like my father.”

i’m concerned Now this is the complete opposite of how I treat Maureen. She told me that she was planning on getting a breast augmentation, and that her last boyfriend didn’t want her to do it because he said enough men look at her as it is and she didn’t need any more gawkers. Her response was that in the past she lived to please others, but now she is living for herself. But then she added, “Enrique, you’ll have to keep me on track because I could fall back pretty easily into my old patterns.” So Doc, here are my concerns:   

Being subservient and dominated is Maureen’s comfort zone. She may not be used to the respect and space I give her. I am not here to “raise” a woman -- I’m already a father. Maureen will have to straighten her life out on her own.

I’ll continue to go out with her and see what I can learn. But Doc, is a Challenge strong enough to defeat the demons in Maureen’s past? Enrique - who’s already on guard

doc love’s answer Hi Enrique, When you first interviewed Maureen, did you ask her whether any of her exes ever actually raised his hand to her? And when she dropped that curious comment about her father, you should have said, “And did your dad ever hit you?” If you had, you’d know a little more clearly what you’re dealing with here. So, how should you deal with a girl with an abusive past?

be supportive When Maureen mentioned that she wanted to go for cosmetic surgery, her ex-boyfriend gave her the wrong reason for staying away from it. Everyone wants to look and feel better about themselves, and he should have been supportive. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says,

“That guy’s an idiot.” I hope that you congratulated Maureen on her decision to make herself look better and finally live for herself, and that you were totally supportive of her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Then you watch her like a hawk!” When she told you that you have to keep her from falling back into her old emotional patterns, you should have said, “Honey -- PIECE OF CAKE!” Then you should have given her a kiss -- and kept right on watching her like a hawk.

maureen’s issues Let’s take a look at your specific concerns about this woman. It’s a half-truth that Maureen’s comfort zone is doing the perfect imitation of a doormat. To you Psych majors, if this babe were really happy about being trampled on, she wouldn’t be complaining about her exes and she certainly wouldn’t be leaving the bozos. But that’s exactly what she does, isn’t it? So she really doesn’t like them, and she doesn’t like being abused. Enrique, if Maureen’s not really comfortable with the respect and space you give her, you’re going to have to date her for a long, long time before you talk about stuff like marriage and kids. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “She must be proven clinically sane before you even think of taking her home to meet mom.”

here’s what you do Of course, Maureen is going to have to do things for herself. But here’s the point: If you like this woman -- and again, you only have three dates in with her -- you’re going to have to watch for whether any of these troublesome symptoms rear their heads when she’s with you. It’s one thing if a boyfriend and girlfriend scream and yell at each other once in a while. And it’s OK for someone to scream and yell at her dad once in a while. But it’s an entirely different matter if the men in Maureen’s life actually struck her or worse. And if they did, you have to find out whether she hung around for a second beating -- assuming she had a choice, that is. If you can coax that information out of her, then you’re going deep, my friend. That’s what you should have added to your interview. Like I always tell you guys, you have to be a love detective to compete in this arena. Enrique gets more guidance from Doc... Continuing to go out with Maureen and trying to learn everything you can about her is perfect -- it’s all you can do with any woman. And in your case, pal, the good thing is that you’ve already gotten a good deal of information out of her, so you’re doing OK so far.

Challenge can work with Maureen, dude. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It depends on how deep and how messy her problems are.”

get her interest level up As you know, I’m not a psychiatrist (thank God). So instead of analyzing Maureen, what I want you to do is date her 10 times and get her Interest Level solidly into the 90s. Up until now, with three dates under your belt, things look pretty great. But if you’ve read "The System," you know that you shouldn’t count anything until you’re 10 dates in. If you make it that far, you’re going to date her for another 21 months. During that time, you’re going to see her probably three times a week, and you’re going to take her into every possible social situation and you’re going to keep an eye on her. You have to be around her when she’s really tired and observe what she does, and how she acts when she runs out of patience. When people run out of patience with life, some of them snap, some swear, some get quiet. So you’re going to see how Maureen reacts to different stimuli in the environment. If she maintains an even keel through the good and the bad, she’s a keeper. Like my cousin General Love says, “You can’t afford to have any nuts in the foxhole.” Finally, guy, there is a certain group of women who don’t like Cary Grants. For some perverse reason, these chicks like getting pushed around. And you can’t help them no matter what you do, and you certainly can’t force them to love you. But so far, Maureen sounds OK. If I were you, I’d continue to go out with her until she drops the ball. Maybe you’ll get lucky and she won’t. Remember, guys: There are no clean deals.

She Won't Call Back

Hey Doc, I read "The System" and regularly read your columns and you have really helped me understand the game of relationships better. So, thanks for everything. Last week I ran into Marla, who, years ago, was married to a former coworker of mine. I remember her being flirty with me back then, but she was married (she’s now divorced) and I had a girlfriend, so it ended right there. Anyway, I kept the conversation short and got her phone number. I waited six days to call her. When we talked, she told me she was really busy that week since she’s working two jobs, one

as a nurse and the other at a jewelry shop. It was the holidays, so I bought her story about her busy schedule and she told me she would see what her schedule was like the next week and “call me back.” I was disappointed, but I told her that I understood and said goodbye.

is she interested? Doc, what do you think Marla’s Interest Level is? She didn’t mention a boyfriend, made it clear to me that she was divorced, and was very quick to give me her phone number when I asked. I had high hopes for this one because she seems like a real sweetheart, and I like that she works and is independent. I doubt she’ll call back. I’m thinking of waiting a few weeks to give it one more shot. If she doesn’t call me back or if I get another excuse without a solid counteroffer, I’ll just cut my losses and move on. What do you think, Doc? Henny - who can’t make out where she’s coming from

doc love’s answer Hi Henny, First of all, this little thing didn’t end all those years ago because you had a girlfriend. And I have to point something out to you -- at the time you met, the lovely Marla was a married woman who was flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend. If you’ve read my book closely, you’ll remember that one-third of "The System" is comprised of the principle of INTEGRITY. Was Marla being faithful to her ex-husband when she was making eyes at you? What was her level of Integrity when she was still legally hitched? To you Psych majors, CAN YOU TRUST THIS WOMAN? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is it any wonder she got divorced?” What’s going on in Marla’s head?

she’s talking womanese When a woman uses the phrase “real busy,” you have to pull out your dictionary because she’s using Womanese. And what it means is that her Interest Level is probably floating around 40% and 49%. Think about it, pal. You mean this babe can’t find one hour somewhere in her week to meet you (when there’s 168 hours in a week!), the guy she’s going to fall in love and have triplets with? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think she’d be ‘too busy’ for Brad Pitt?”

When Marla said she’d check her schedule and call you back, you should have come right back with: “Since your schedule is heavy and it’s the holidays, let me get back to you some other time, OK? It’ll be easier that way.” Then you hang up. Because once you said that you sympathized with her and showed that you understood her situation, you gave up your power and you gave up control of the situation. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The reason you feel powerless now is because you decided to wait for her next move.” Actually, you only thought you understood this girl, Henny. What you actually didn’t understand was that Marla’s Interest Level is anemic -- somewhere in the 40s. That’s what you didn’t get.

so what’s she thinking? What is Marla’s Interest Level now? It’s in the sink, swirling, dude. She didn’t mention a boyfriend, but why should she? If she can keep a bunch of turkeys on the line, why wouldn’t she? I admit that some girls -- the ones with some degree of Integrity -- are upfront about their boyfriends and husbands, but by no means are all of them. My friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were nursing high hopes for Marla. But you shouldn’t have had high hopes for anything, especially a girl that you haven’t had 10 dates with. Are you sure you read my book? But you insist that Marla “seems like a sweetheart.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You been smoking anything?” Because this girl is a complete stranger that you happened to spend a few minutes with! Like my cousin General Love says, “Come on, soldier, get your head out of the clouds -- it’s dangerous when you’re out there on the battlefield!”

she probably won’t call We don’t give a damn about the fact that Marla’s independent and she works. Naomi Campbell happens to be independent and employed too, in case you haven’t noticed. Henny, all we care about is the girl’s Interest Level. All the other stuff like independence and money comes in second and third in importance. One thing you’re right about though is that you don’t know whether or not Marla’s going to call you back, but the Reality Factor says that most of the time they don’t. And when they say the word “schedule,” you guys who’ve read my book know what that word means in Womanese. You’re thinking about waiting a few weeks to give it another shot? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, I think you should wait until about 10 minutes before Armageddon before giving it another shot!” It’s great that you’re going to cut your losses and move on, but the sad fact is that there’s

nothing to cut and nothing to move on from. What do I think you should do? I think you should spend more time studying "The System." Remember, guys: When you go out with a stranger, don’t give her too much credit.

Dating Outside Your Culture Hey Doc, First, I’d like to say thank you for the help that you are giving to all of us guys who are having problems with the opposite sex. Kareena is an Indian girl I work with very closely at my job. I make her laugh, and she touches me often, but I didn’t know how to close with her because we are from different cultures. (I’m black, by the way.) I remember that you said to be careful when dating people from different cultures because lots of times the girl’s parents decide who they want their daughter to end up with.

i asked for her number Well, today I finally did close. I asked for Kareena’s home phone number and without hesitation she gave it to me. But as you say, just because you get a woman’s phone number doesn’t mean that she has a high Interest Level. It could be that Kareena doesn’t know how to say no, and she was just trying to be nice to me because she has to work with me every day. Now I know that in "The System" you say to wait a week before calling a girl for a date. But my problem is that I see this young lady just about every day, so how would I go about scheduling a date with her? Also, how can I be a Challenge when I see her so often? One more thing: Should I call her beforehand to find out whether her father will mind her dating someone from a different ethnic background?

she’s very quiet Kareena is quiet, which is also a bit of a problem. I know that you say that women help you when they like you. When I talk to her, Kareena is rather reserved, though she does help me some with the conversation. Do you think this is good or should I be thankful that she isn’t always yakking? Anything you can tell me will help. Biff - who finds himself treading lightly

doc love’s answer Hi Biff, First of all, I appreciate your compliment. Before we go on to your questions, let me say something: Some guys out there are doing 90% of everything right when it comes to women, while some guys are doing 22% of everything right. And let’s just say that some other guys need LOTS of help. I’m helping guys at the high end and at the low end, and everybody in between. Doc’s advice continues… And that’s the whole idea behind my philosophy. Unless you have my principles 100% down or you’re in the top 10% of guys, 90% of you fellows need my coaching. It’s that simple. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The divorce rate, the dating habits of women, and the way they brutally reject men back up those numbers.”

on to kareena… Now let’s move on to the lovely Kareena. Like I’ve told you guys so many times before, it doesn’t make a difference whether a girl is from Mongolia or Montana because "The System" cuts across all cultural lines. So all you have to say is: “Kareena, what’s your home phone number?” And that’s called CLOSING. I don’t care if her best friend is standing there, I don’t care if her parents are standing there, and I don’t care if the King of Bhutan himself is standing there -- just do it. What I said about different cultures still stands. To you Psych majors, if a girl was raised catholic, her parents are going to want to have a catholic son-in-law. If she’s Malaysian, they’ll want her to marry a Malaysian. If she’s Jewish, they’ll want her to marry a Jewish guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Blood is thicker than anything else.” But you did close Kareena, pal. Good for you. And the key phrase when you went for the number is “without hesitation.” That’s even better because it was an indication of Kareena’s Interest Level.

is she really interested? You might be right that she doesn’t know how to say no or she was just trying to be nice to you because you have to work together. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “It could also be that she’s a Professional Dater with 40% to 49% Interest Level who wants to waste your time and run up your Visa.” How do you go about scheduling a date with this girl? You do the same thing you should

always do: Wait a week before you call her. When you see Kareena during the day, act as if you never asked her out and never went for her home phone number.

become a challenge And here’s how you can be a Challenge for this girl even if you see her all the time: Smile when you see her, but let her talk to you first. Hold yourself back. Think of it as an exercise in Self-Control. You don’t have to ask her about her father, dude. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She knows if her old man is a bigot or not, right?”

dealing with silent types So, getting Kareena to talk is like pulling teeth. Like my cousin General Love says, “This one doesn’t do anything above and beyond the call of duty!” I don’t know if it’s good or bad that this babe is the silent type. But you’re way ahead of yourself anyway. You have to call her up, get past her dad, who’s a possible blocker, and make sure she shows up at Starbucks. They’re the essentials here, and the only things you should be worrying about. Next, you have to get nine big dates in with her where you pick her up at her house. After that you worry about the other stuff, like why she’s not a chatterbox. So like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Just do what I tell you, Biff, and you’ll be fine.” Remember, guys: The great thing about "The System" is that you don’t have to think.

Wanting Your Friend's Girlfriend

Hey Doc, I read your weekly columns religiously, and I know from experience that everything you say is DEAD ON. There is one thing, however, that has thrown me for a loop, and it seems to be an exception to the laws of attraction. A friend of mine, I’ll call him Bill, has been dating Cheryl for about five years. Doc, believe me when I say that Bill does practically EVERYTHING against what you teach. He calls Cheryl every day, he buys her lame gifts all the time, and he gets instantly insecure and jealous anytime he sees her talking to another guy.

Also, in terms of being exciting, unpredictable and a Challenge, this guy has pretty much given up: Bill and Cheryl have a monthly anniversary of sorts where they always go to the same restaurant after a movie and have the perfunctory exchange of gifts.

i’m jealous Doc, it may sound like I hate Bill, and truth be told, I do resent him a little because this girl is still totally into him. She buys him gifts too, she’s always cooking for him, and despite their occasional breakup, she always ends up back with him. The most amazing thing is that Cheryl is actually quite attractive. Heck, I wouldn’t mind taking her out myself. She’s certainly better looking than the women I’ve been going out with. What do you make of all this, Doc? It couldn’t be that she’s just putting on a show or an act, right? She couldn’t fake it all this time if she were, at least, that's the way I see it. Thanks in advance for your insight, Doc, and thanks for all the amazing insight you’ve given all us guys for so long. Shlomo - who can’t figure it out

doc love’s advice Hi Shlomo, So, you’re thrown for a loop by this so-called “exception to the laws of attraction.” The reason you say this is because of the education you’ve had up until now (and I’m not talking about whether or not you went to Princeton). But not to worry -- you’ve come to me and I’m going to straighten you out. When I’m through, you’ll understand your situation thoroughly. Guaranteed, you’ll have a different perspective on it. OK, your friend Bill has been dating Cheryl for five years. Hold on a minute here: Why aren’t they married? As the old Chinese proverb goes, “After two years of dating, one of them should be bringing up marriage already.” (Hopefully, it’s the woman.) So, from the get-go, something’s not right here. Doc offers more insight…

she’s in control here With all of the things your buddy Bill is doing wrong, you have to ask yourself a question: What type of woman would want to be in that kind of relationship? And the answer is, a woman who’s into CONTROL. Cheryl looks at love as a control issue. Not control of herself of course (as in Self-Control), but control of the relationship. And if she has to be in strict

control, she has to look for a robot to have this relationship with -- something she can control 100%, and that will be enough for her. For certain types of women, maintaining control is everything. Now here’s where I disagree with you: I think it’s good that Bill and Cheryl do things regularly, in their case on a monthly basis. But they should be doing different things -- going to new restaurants, theaters, amusements, and so forth, so it doesn’t get stale. Like my cousin General Love says, “The best way to kill your relationship is by beating the same things to death.” On the other hand, I don’t think gifts should be given on a predictable basis. Gifts are meant for when your heart is in the right place. Gifts shouldn’t be doled out on an artificial timetable, even though that violates all of the customs of the American holiday system.

you’re resentful What’s really interesting here is that you resent Bill after all of his screwups. It means that down deep you’d like to have his woman. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Guy, you got a big problem!” If you had no feelings for this woman, you wouldn’t care what an idiot this poor guy is. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Heck, bro, you’d feel sorry for him!” But you shouldn’t be too jealous, Shlomo. Bill and Cheryl’s love affair doesn’t sound like the proverbial bed of roses. And the evidence is their “occasional breakup” and its twin sister “she always ends up back with him.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Gee, I wonder how much the robot begs whenever she tells him she never wants to see him again!” Of course you wouldn’t mind taking Cheryl out yourself. What did I just get through telling you? As you know, this isn’t a religious column, Shlomo, but maybe it’s about time you think about the Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is one of them. Another is “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

you want her for yourself So this isn’t right, dude. When it comes to Cheryl, you have to come to grips with the fact that you harbor ulterior motives. You’re not really interested in “The System” -- you’re interested in how to be a bird dog and rip this friend of yours off. Cheryl’s hotter than the girls you’ve been going out with? Like my friend Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Whoa, you really do dig this chick’s looks!” Here’s what I make of this, Shlomo: This woman is off-limits. Cheryl is a Giver. She does things for Bill. But before you start feeling bad about that,

remember the other parts: One-third of the whole equation is FLEXIBILITY, and this girl’s not flexible. She’s what you’d call 100% structured. She tells Bill when to inhale; she tells Bill when to exhale. Now if you want to live like that with the woman giving only her token Interest Level, that’s fine. Me, I don’t want to live like that. I can’t live like that. But some guys can, and that’s OK if they’re able to deal with it. I call it “the arrangement;” it’s not really based on mutual love. Remember, guys: Just because she’s a Giver doesn’t mean she’s not a control freak.

Discussing Old Girlfriends Hey Doc, I’m still learning “The System” and getting better at it with each girl. I just want to thank you for writing your book; it has helped me more than anything else I’ve tried with women and dating. But here’s my problem: As hard as this is for me to admit, I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s never had a girlfriend! I can approach girls, get numbers and even second dates thanks to your techniques, but that’s as far as it goes. The thing that trips me up now is when I’m dating a girl and she asks me, “So, how many girlfriends have you had?” And “What happened to your last relationship? Why did you break up?”

what should i say? What am I supposed to say, Doc? I never had a girlfriend! I tried saying “I don’t think it’s proper for me to talk about other women on such a personal basis with you,” but they keep insisting. Then I try deflecting the pressure by saying, “There’s no point in talking about the past.” By now the girl assumes I’ve been dumped again and again, but she keeps asking over and over until she gives up. Unfortunately, I know the subject will come up again. I could lie and make up stories about past girlfriends, but it could come back to haunt me. In “The System” you say that if this situation comes up I should just say my ex was an Inflexible Taker. But I’d be lying since there is no ex. Should I just be honest and tell these women I’ve never had a girlfriend? I’m in a catch-22 situation because if you don’t have experience with girls, they hold it against you (and probably leave), but you can’t get experience unless you get a girl in the first place.

I hope you can help me with this situation, Doc; I really need it. Beck - who’s trying to get on the scoreboard

doc love’s answer Hi Beck, I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t snagged yourself a squeeze yet, but by your own admission you’re getting better with the girls. This is important. Most people think that the road to success with females is a trek across the Mojave Desert. But the truth is that it’s a journey across the Sahara. It’s a long, long distance you have to cross, guy. And the more garbage I have to clean out of your little head because you’ve been brainwashed or hurt, the longer the trip is going to take. But since you’ve started learning my techniques, there’s no need to despair. First you’re going to acquire the knowledge, and with time you’re going to get the action. Doc Love’s advice continues…

at least you’re dating At this point you’re only getting to the second date with girls because that’s as far as you’ve gotten with my techniques. You have a certain portion of "The System" down -- up to the second date -- but as you memorize the Dating Dictionary, your expertise will expand. But, again, let me remind you of the upside -- at least you’re getting to the second date. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, lots of guys can’t even get the home phone number!” Gee, Beck, you’re a regular Don Juan in the making and you don’t even know it! Here’s how you handle it when you get peppered with questions about your past by your dates. You respond like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey would -- with a funny line. I can just hear you protesting, “But Doc, they’re going to get mad!” And my response is this: What kinds of girls will get mad? Well, I’ll tell you what kinds of girls -- structured girls and girls with low Interest Level. See how “The System” protects you?

here’s what you tell her… So when a babe asks how many girlfriends you’ve had, you just give her your best Al Pacino look and say, “Are you referring to the three stalkers who are bugging me too?” And when she wants to know “what happened in your last relationship,” tell her in your best Humphrey Bogart voice, “She didn’t know how good she had it!”

And when she demands to know why you broke up, come right back with, “I won’t hang with a girl who doesn’t love me.”

don’t tell her everything To you Psych majors, you’re not supposed to do or say anything unless it raises Interest Level. Do you think that telling a girl everything that did or didn’t happen in the past 27 years would raise Interest Level? Think about it for two seconds. You’re being way too intense when you say, “It’s not proper for me to talk about the women in my past.” What have I told you guys again and again? Keep it light, keep it funny, and no serious talk. When you’re out on the first or second date, that’s the time for fun and banter, and here you’re defending yourself. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re a defensive lineman and you’re getting pushed all over the field!” When she keeps insisting on getting information out of you, Beck, just shut up. Sit there and smile at her. Remember: You don’t have to talk. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She don’t have no .45 to your head, dog!”

get tougher But I have to hand it to you, Beck, “There’s no point in talking about the past” is a very macho thing to say. Seriously though, I don’t think I ever heard John Wayne say it to a girl when he was alive. Well, maybe he said it once -- to his horse. If a girl has to bug you until she gives up, Beck, make her give up sooner. And when the subject comes up yet again, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’ll sit there and do the same thing until you get tough, boy!” You shouldn’t be sitting there worrying about how a lie can come back to haunt you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Dude, you can’t get past the second date! Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?”

don’t tell them about your past For lots of guys it’s the truth that their exes were Inflexible Takers, but I’m going to give you something funnier to tell these babes. When she wants to know what happened with your ex, just say: “Honey, I can’t take these beautiful Victoria’s Secret models trying to smother me all the time!” But if you insist, Beck, go right ahead and tell your dates that you’ve never had a girlfriend -that will really help your cause. It’s raised the Interest Level of every girl who’s ever heard it. Uh, right.

You’re not in a catch-22, buddy. You haven’t memorized "The System" yet -- that’s your real problem. But again, remember that you’re bettering yourself. You’re getting to the second date. But to go further -- to reach the finish line -- you have to memorize the Word. Remember, guys: As long as you’re improving yourself with "The System," relax and enjoy the trip.

Don't Push Her Away Hey Doc, I dated Marceline for a year. We met through family and at first things were wonderful. Marceline was all over me and kept bringing up marriage. Meanwhile, I kept my Interest Level in check. I did have some trouble getting over her past relationships, and questioned her a lot about them (I know this was bad). After our last argument, where I overreacted, Marceline’s family and friends turned against me. But for the first month after the incident she kept seeing me and professing her love for me. I allowed myself to ”suffocate” her, hoping to prove my love (again, my bad). In the end, I realized it was probably her low Interest Level that did us in, and not her family and friends. I see now that I went about the whole thing totally wrong. Instead of holding back and playing it cool like "The System" says, I charged full steam ahead with my display of high interest and became the Wimpus Americanus you refer to in "The System."

did she want to leave me? The day we broke up, Marceline already had a guy in line to take my place. She’d been hanging out with him for consolation during our troubled times. She seems really happy with this guy from what I hear through others, but every now and then she sends me e-mails to which I never respond. She sometimes calls me and says that her new relationship just hasn’t grown on her yet. I resolved never to consider her again, but this has left me sad and hurt. Doc, is this guy just a rebound for her or is she really much happier with him? Why does she still want to be friends with me? Shouldn’t her boyfriend mind that she’s trying to keep in touch with her ex? Sometimes I want to contact her just to cause them problems, but I’m trying to stay above that. Obama - who wants to restore his broken ego

doc love’s advice Hi Obama, OK, let me get this straight. You were doing everything right. Marceline was bringing up Marriage. She was all over you like cheese on pizza. You were keeping your mouth shut about your strong feelings, then you did a nosedive. Suddenly you couldn’t get over her past relationships. Didn’t it ever occur to you that she was with you, and that they were gone? Guys, it doesn’t up her Interest Level to talk about her exes. FORGET THEM. You mention your last argument. How many arguments were you two having? By the way, to all you psych majors, did you ever notice that women with 95% Interest Level never seem to want to argue? Of course Marceline’s family and friends turned against you, pal. Like my cousin General Love says, “Once the battle lines were drawn, they were sure as hell not going to side with you.” Kitty Kats Kompete -- until the Tom Kat does something wrong.

you steamrolled her Marceline kept seeing you and professing her love for you because her Interest Level was somewhere between 40% and 49%. The Reality Factor says, “She’s with you, but her heart is someplace else.” Then, when she hung on, you went and suffocated Marceline. You mean to tell me that you came at her again? She gave you another chance and what did you do? You came barreling back in like a Sherman tank. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You didn’t know that the 'R' in your transmission stands for REVERSE, did you, boy?” You weren’t proving your love to Marceline by steamrolling her, bro. You just proved that you’re needy and don’t have a backbone. But it finally dawned on you that Marceline’s low Interest Level did you in. Well, you figured something out! There’s hope left in America yet! I’ll have to pull the gun out of my mouth now. Know what I like about you, Obama? You’re the guy who buys “The System” studies it, memorizes it and then doesn’t do any of it. You’re the kind of fellow who can assist me in a seminar and answer questions almost as well as I can, but when it comes to actually putting my principles into practice, for some strange reason he can’t -- or won’t. Isn’t that ironic? And that’s your problem. By the way, Obama, do you have a picture of yourself? Send it to me. I’d like to use it as the illustration for Wimpus Americanus in the next printing of “The System.”

Doc Love's advice continues...

she was prepared for your stupidity Marceline already had a guy in line to take your place the minute you broke up? I’m SHOCKED! A girl had a BACKUP for the man she was dumping? I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! Call the Guinness Book of World Records! Call Ripley’s Believe It or Not! This has to be the first time in 6,000 years that a girl has had someone waiting in the wings when she couldn’t stand the sight of her boyfriend anymore. And believe me, man, when Marceline thought of you, she felt sick. The new turkey is playing doctor to your ex, but she’s just using him for convalescence because she feels wounded, even though you’re the one who’s dead. You’re talking to friends about your ex? “Others” are Blockers! Like my cousin General Love says, “You could never have worked as a spy during World War II!” This entire fiasco should leave you sad and hurt, because you’re not a robot. At one time this girl was practically begging you to marry her. Now she has to run for the Alka-Seltzer every time she thinks of you. She went from one extreme to the other. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What did you do to her, baby?”

you get a failing grade Obama, learn to do what most people won’t do. Take responsibility for your actions. There is such a thing as cause and effect at work here. And the saddest part is, you know your stuff! I can tell from your letter that you understand my techniques from “The System.” You sound like a very intelligent guy in fact. But when it comes to the subject of Emotional Control, you get an “F.” Who cares whether the new guy is a Rebound for your ex? It’s her Interest Level in you that you should be worried about. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Think about this, paisan -- they love to slow dance together.” Don’t fool yourself, Obama. Marceline doesn’t want to be friends with you. She wants to play with you. She wants to give you false hope. She wants to see how much you’ll grovel. So don’t play her game. You’re the one here whose heart has been gutted and you’re worried about her new boyfriend being ticked off? Instead, you should be begging me, “Doc, tell me what to do in the future! Help me to get off my hands and knees, stand with my shoulders square and have a little pride!”

If you try to cause these two any misery, the only inconvenience they’ll suffer is switching off the phone and turning on the answering machine while they practice more slow dancing. Remember, guys: It’s one thing if you don’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and don’t do it, then you’re double-dumb.

Her Ex Is Back Hey Doc, I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was about six months after her ex walked out on her and their baby. When we first started out we were just friends, but it turned into something that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a sweetheart and genuinely cares about me, and tells me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a young child, I have accepted the fact that I will always be No. 2 in her life, but that doesn’t bother me at all. Now here’s the problem: Two weeks ago we were out on a date and her ex, who I’ll call Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and telling her how much he missed her, how he couldn’t live without her and how he needed her back. This really upset me because our night started off great, but then I could see that these calls were wearing on her. Since then, he has been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling her the same things, and acting like a selfish jackass. It’s gotten so bad at her job that her boss told her that she couldn’t come back to work until she got a restraining order on him, which she did.

pushing her for a decision Doc, this is what it’s come down to: Dana’s ex has somehow gotten my phone number, and now he leaves me messages about how his family is all he has left and he has nothing else in his life. On top of it all, this guy uses drugs and has no job. Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for him. If he wasn’t bugging me so much, I’d really feel sorry for him. So basically my question is: How can I go about letting Dana know that she needs to choose between me and him without pushing her away? Their child seems to be the glue that keeps this absurd situation going. This is something that I have thought about a lot as our relationship has progressed, and now I’m at a loss for what I should do. Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Blackie - who’s afraid of pushing too hard

doc love’s answer Hi Blackie, Dana’s kid has got some daddy. Here’s a man who walks out of his house and leaves his baby, whom he allegedly loves, behind -- and I’m not talking about the older one. Wow, what a guy. We know that you want to see this relationship go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is that we don’t care what you want. Like I’ve told you guys many, many times before, all we care about is what the girl thinks. What’s her Interest Level -- 95% or is it in the toilet? So, merely based on the fact that you brought this up I realize that you don’t know anything.

not even second fiddle You can’t worry about being No. 2 in Dana’s life. She’s not in love with her child. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you want to be romantically involved with this girl, you should leave her alone until her daughter is 18, and then come back.” Doc Love tells Blackie which questions to ask… Now, let’s get into what’s happening. Dana respects and loves you so much that she can’t bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych majors: Most men rationalize slights and putdowns. But you’re selfless, Blackie; you’re upset because Johnny’s telephone calls were wearing poor Dana down. Dude, why aren’t they wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the calls were incoming, but because of the fact that she’s taking them -- and it’s blowing your love life apart before it has the chance to get off the ground.

you’re asking the wrong questions Now, look at what Johnny is doing: He’s so bad (and remember that this is the father of Dana’s kid, the man she laid down with) that he’s destroying her job. You should be asking what was wrong with Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going in? Why’d she pick this loser in the first place? What’s her problem? And that’s what most men don’t ask. But I’m here to make you wake up and smell the jungle gardenias. You’re mystified by how Dana’s ex got a hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the world do you think he got your phone number? Don’t you think maybe your girlfriend helped Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she got so sick of listening to him that she told him to call you.” When Dana’s ex told you that he had nothing left in the world without his wife and kid, my

cousin Fast Eddie Love would have said, “Give me your address, man. I’ll mail you a knife so you can commit hari-kari.” So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow -- now I can see why Dana digs him so much and decided to carry his baby. That clears it all up. Now I get it. Like my cousin Reverend Love would say, “It’s a match made in hell.”

misplaced pitty But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry for yourself because you’re in love with someone, as the establishment would put it, who has “issues.” But no, your heart is bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question: What does this have to do with Christmas? Despite it all, you want Dana to make a decision about your relationship, one way or the other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Never go out with someone who has more problems than you.” This girl is supposed to bring happy times and sanity into your existence and she’s bringing you nothing but TROUBLE. Her ex is going to come over to your house with six of his buddies and their aluminum bats and they’re going to lay a beating on your car or worse, on you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she gave out your phone number to her ex. I’d hate to see what he’ll do when she gives him your address!”

check out her interest level There are some men who cannot handle women. Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes calls to his ex to the point where her boss wants to let Dana go, there’s only one conclusion that you can arrive at -- this guy’s a first-class wingding. But like I said earlier, Dana’s not without blame here, Blackie. Does the old saying “Water seeks its own level” sound familiar to you? Dana’s child is not keeping this absurd situation together. It’s the baby’s mother’s high Interest Level in this nutcase that keeps it alive. Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Grab the fastest horse in town and say, ‘Adios!’” In other words, don't bother waiting on her. Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her, it’s best not to get involved.

Leaving One Woman For Another Hey Doc,

First off, let me say that “The System” is brilliant, but I hope you can help me fix my problem so I don’t have to use it. I’ve known Tori for over a year, since she started working as a server at the restaurant where I’m a bartender. Right off we had a great friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun being together. A couple months later she told me she had feelings for me and wanted to know if I’d be interested in dating her. At the time I was in a long-distance relationship with Laurel, so I told her I couldn’t. Tori said it was cool, but she kept pursuing me anyway. I have to say that it was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much throwing herself at me. Before I go any further, you should know that the whole time I had feelings for Tori as well, but I don’t cheat. One night, when Tori and I were at a party, she pulled me aside and told me she loved me. I told her that I had feelings for her too, but that I was still with Laurel. Finally, I broke it off with Laurel so I could be with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her and had been for some time. I went over to Tori’s house to tell her how I felt, only to find out she was seeing another man, Dustin! Their relationship didn’t last long, but I questioned what I was doing. Anyway, shortly afterward Tori and I started holding hands and acting the way couples do.

your interest level was way too high Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori was upset about it and I didn’t know how to make her feel better. I got into an accident overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I got home I poured my heart out to her, telling her I loved her and that I would give her the world. Well, Doc, she told me she didn’t feel the same about me anymore! I was crushed and still am. She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I am in love with her, but I’m not sure what to do with this back and forth stuff. I know she has a lot of stress in her life, and I want to help her with it. Please Doc, tell me what’s going on in her mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship? I’m even thinking I made a mistake in dumping Laurel. Donovan - who lost everything

doc love’s answer Hi Donovan, All I had to do was read the first sentence of your letter to know exactly where you are: You know absolutely nothing about women. When Tori asked if you were interested in dating her, you should have said “Can you give me

a little while to think about it,” and then smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even though her Interest Level was incoming. This is what most male egos can’t grasp. But it takes patience to deal with incoming interest properly, because you have to withdraw rather than push the girl away. Doc Love lets Donovan know what he did wrong... Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a CHALLENGE. This is great! This is exactly what you want to happen. This IS “The System” at work. So it turns out that you are using the book -- at least so far. So it’s no surprise that this girl was throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when their Interest Level is in the 90s, they’re little girls. And good for you that you don’t cheat. When Tori told you she loved you, you should have said “For how long?” or “Is that the best you can do? That’s not much, honey!” But you ended up talking about Laurel and the fact that you loved Tori. So you made two enormous blunders: You got all serious and you talked about other women and your feelings. Instead of that, you should have impersonated Vince Vaughn and had fun with Tori.

she dragged you in Then you went even further: You deep-sixed Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was seeing another man, Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “And that was the good part. The bad part is that he’s the only one you know about!” Oh, by the way, was Dustin’s relationship with Tori as brief as yours? Because you’re on the outs with her, in case you didn’t know it. Laurel isn’t acting like part of a couple, pal. She uses you in case of emergency or loneliness or when there’s nothing on TV that night or if there’s no food in the fridge. And you’re Mr. Happy To Be There. You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just got rid of Dustin -- was upset that you were out of the country? I bet she was doing back flips. Or she was thinking, “Gee, I hope he’s in Mongolia.” Did it ever occur to you when you were in the hospital to monitor how often Tori called you? Was it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you didn’t. You called her 10 times a day. Here’s where you’re not using “The System,” buddy. This is the antithesis of CHALLENGE. Lying there in the hospital you had nothing better to do than pressure this girl. You didn’t really tell Tori you were going to give her the world, did you? Yech. I’ll bet that if

she were on a plane, she would have had to grab the barf bag. That’s when you found out that she didn’t feel the same about you. I’m stunned. Like my cousin General Love says, “Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together and swap war stories.”

you’ve got major problems The back and forth stuff means you have huge, huge problems. What you have to do -- and I know this is going to be tough for you -- is disappear and hope that Tori’s Interest Level is still in the low 50s. You want to help Tori with her stress; Why? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not here to be her therapist or her pastor. You’re here to raise Interest Level.” Your job when a date is over is to leave a girl with the same -- and hopefully higher -- Interest Level. And THAT’S ALL. I’ll tell you what Tori is thinking: Doesn’t this guy get the hint? This relationship can’t be fixed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The best you can hope for now is to leave Sin City with as much money as you came with.”

remain a challenge You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a good girl and she liked you. And what did you do? You snuck around with another girl. You knew you had feelings for Tori and you never should have tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You say you don’t cheat, but you’re not really loyal, my son.” In the future, be honest with yourself and keep your mouth shut. Because the first time you say, “I love you,” it usually means you’re history down the road. Remember, guys: Try to allow them to chase you.

She Has A Kid Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Taylor for three months now. She is a very attractive, educated 38-year-old woman with a 6-year-old son. She gives me some good buying signals and really seems to enjoy being around me. She’s always asking me personal questions and laughs at my dumb jokes.

I call Taylor at four- to six-day intervals (maximum five minutes of talking) to schedule dates, and we go out once or twice a week. She has never turned down a date recommendation from me. She is always available and ready to go out whenever I want to. She has offered to pay for meals and other things several times, so I don’t think she’s a Professional Dater. I get along fine with her son, and she has even discussed going on vacation with me somewhere. When she does, I remain noncommittal and immediately change the subject to something more humorous and light.

you or the child? Here are my problems with Taylor: 1- We never go anywhere without her son because she says she can’t get a decent babysitter. 2- She sits in the backseat with her son whenever we drive anywhere. 3- She has failed the kiss test twice in the time we have been going out. 4- I’ve invited Taylor over to my house three times for lunch or coffee and cake, but have not once been invited to her place. I am getting ready to ditch this girl even though I really like her and admire her intellect. I’ve read your book,“The System,” three times from front to back, and I think a lot of it is starting to click, but this girl is sending some very mixed signals. Should I ditch Taylor and concentrate on my other regular dates? Or am I missing something? I don’t mind a platonic relationship with Taylor, but if I really wanted that I would be hanging out with my buddies -- not some gorgeous, educated woman. Louie - who needs some coaching from the master

doc love's answer Hi Louie, All of this sounds fine, but you didn’t mention anything in your letter about Taylor complimenting you or touching you. Is that because you don’t have “The System” memorized yet? Don’t be so quick to classify Taylor as someone who’s not a Professional Dater. What you don’t realize is that there is a type of Professional Dater who offers to pay. Why? Because you relieve her boredom or she thinks you’re a nice guy or she’s just a drifter. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Don’t get all excited, pal. She’s just passing through.”

It’s nice that Taylor wants to travel to Hawaii with you, but are you going with her alone or will her kid be on the surfboard too? Did you happen to ask Taylor about that? It’s great, though, that in general you stay off the heavy subjects. You’re not doing everything wrong.

taylor's not perfect But you do have problems with Taylor, which shows that she’s got a bad side. Darn. Up until now she sounded perfect. Let’s examine your problems one by one. Can Louie save this relationship? She can't find a babysitter: Let me ask you a question. If I gave Taylor a million bucks to find a decent babysitter, do you think she could do it? Of course she could! It’s not like you’re asking her to fly through the air with a basketball like Michael Jordan, which is never going to happen. But let’s face it, man -- she could find a babysitter if she really wanted to. And it would mean she has high Interest Level in you. What her actions say is that her interest in you is not in the 90s. She sits in the backseat with her son: This is OK since you’re babysitting. That’s the real deal here. Taylor’s getting you used to her little kid in the event that you want to marry her. Because he’s going to be with you all the time, probably even when you’re sleeping after you and Taylor get hitched. Here’s another way to look at it: If this girl really digs you (though we don’t know for sure yet) and she’s thinking long-term, she’s telling you up front that this is going to be a package deal -- her AND her son. So in that sense, what she’s doing is good. What I don’t dig is introducing the kid to all these different guys. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “How many uncles can one child have?” I don’t think it’s good for the boy. She failed the kiss test: Are you telling me you’ve been out with this girl 90 days and she does everything right except that she’s failed the kiss test twice? I hope you understand what “failed” really means. You’re in trouble here, dude. She doesn't invite you over: This is an easy one. The Reality Factor says that the reason Taylor doesn’t want you in her house is because she doesn’t want you in her house. Duh.

stop lying to yourself Hey, I like Taylor’s intellect too. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I mean, you have to love the fact that she’s playing all these games with you and you don’t have a clue.” You may have read “The System” three times, Louie, but only a very small percentage of it is clicking. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve got three down and only 126 to go.”

Taylor’s not sending you mixed signals. She’s just working you like a master by offering to pay. But remember that you have her over to your house but she doesn’t want you to go over to hers. Why? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dog -- maybe she’s got another boyfriend or two stashed there.” And keep this in mind: If this girl really dug you, wouldn’t she want to kiss you after three whole months? I love your use of the word “ditch.” It’s like trying to get rid of someone who’s not there. You’re making it sound like Taylor’s Interest Level is in the stratosphere and you’re going to break her heart if you don’t call her again. The truth is that her Interest Level is only somewhere between 40% to 49%. What you’ve got here is a Professional Dater who offers to pay. You’re not missing anything, dude. You just have to study harder, that’s all. Remember, guys: If she’s inconsistent, she can’t have high Interest Level.

Dating Older Women Hey Doc, I am a regular reader of your columns, which I like very much. To cut to the chase, here’s my problem. Unlike most of the men who write you for advice, I’m not young. No one out there offers advice for guys 60 years of age and over, including you. Before you tell me that I’m probably a walking disaster and that’s why I can’t find women, let me tell you that I’m very successful, youthful and still like to rock. I have a young person’s mentality and am full of life for my age. But let me be honest about what us older guys face out here. There are no women unless we go chasing younger babes around, and that can get dangerous. Most single women who are 45 and older look like hell. (There’s no more gentle way to put it.) They’ve let themselves go for so many years that they flat-out look terrible. I’m not saying that all of them look bad, but I don’t have any idea where to find the ones who look good.

over the hill? Doc, I’d like to date women closer to my own age, frankly, because we’d have more in common than I would with a 20-year-old, but most of these women are very fat. I’m slim and handsome. I don’t want a pudgy, out-of-shape woman hanging on my arm.

So how about some advice for guys over 60? Where do we go to find attractive women? What should we say and do? Are we dead because we’re members of AARP or collecting pensions and/or Social Security? Should we just stay at home and watch TV instead of going out there and living to the full? There are more of us out here looking for dates than you might think. So any helpful hints would be appreciated. Luca - who doesn’t think he’s over the hill

doc love’s answer Hi Luca, You got one thing right, pal -- you’re not young anymore. But that has nothing to do with anything. Because if you’re 60 and you meet a beautiful, svelte 54-year-old nurse, you still have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” The same as if you’re 19 and you’re drinking beer with a sorority girl -- you still have to say “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” To you Psych majors, the principles are always the same, no matter what your age. Luca, I do offer advice for guys over 60. Are you sure you read "The System"? As I said up above, it’s all the same thing. Why do you insist that it’s not? Doc Love tells Luca what he needs to do…

age-old wisdom What should you do and say to a woman? The same thing you should always do and say. You’re going to keep the conversation light and funny. You’re going to smile. Here’s what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to stare at her chest. And you’re not going to tell her how much you hate your ex-girlfriends and ex-wives. Dude, you don’t have to convince me that you’re youthful for your age. What you have to do is find your counterpart in a female. It’s going to be a little tougher, though, because of your age. But if you’re patient, you’ll get there. Look at the statistics, my friend: America is 52% women to 48% men. Women outlive men by seven years. So they’re out there, all right. But you say that lots of women look like hell. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re not practicing the falsehood of unconditional love!” And yes, it’s true that lots of them also look terrible. However, there happens to be a large percentage of women who do take care of themselves, and that’s what you need. I’m going to show you where to find the ones who look good. But first, Luca, you have to open your mind and not be so judgmental.

time to get real Of course you’re going to have more in common with a woman your own age than you would with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Not to mention that the Reality Factor says they’ll take one look at you and say “Hi, Grandpop!” So you can’t be too upset when the young babes look at you like you’re a telephone pole. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You know you’re in trouble when they start calling you ‘Sir.’” So where do you find attractive women? You go to the same places that the 22-year-old guy goes to… or the 32-year-old or the 42-year-old. You want to think that the rules are different for us guys over 60. But they’re not. Like I said before, open your mind up. Since you want a gal who’s in great shape, you have to do something physical. Join a few outdoor clubs. You have to hang around the ladies who like to go hiking or get yourself into some dance events or classes. Try the Sierra Club or join a tennis league if you play tennis. Then take a look at the women who are involved in those activities. They’re all skinny! Eventually you’ll see a 54-year-old who looks like Christie Brinkley and you’re on your way.

it’s really not that different What you do then is ask for the home phone number. Then you meet her at Starbucks. Then you’re going to take her on your first big date, just like the 20-year-olds. In other words, it’s all the same whether you’re wet behind the ears or a geriatric case. And don’t forget that you’re going to make her laugh, and you’re going to show her manners and class. Luca, you’re not dead because you’re just a few years away from assisted living. The odds are just going to be a little rougher when she sees your false teeth or your walker. But even some of those really old guys do all right. You’ll get over it with my coaching. And remember, you only need to find one good one. Make sure that you’re prepared and that you have all the important information memorized when you do find her, otherwise you’re going to make all the same boo-boos. Then you’ll be lonely again and blame it on the fact that you’re over the hill, when in fact you just turn the girls off in spite of your great looks and success. Remember, guys: When you meet her, you’d better be prepared to keep her.

She's Touchy-Feely

Hey Doc,

I’ve been with Shana -- a stewardess and a “9” -- for six months. She has a lot of good qualities and values -- she’s kind, giving and caring -- on top of her gorgeous looks. I have done “tests” on her and she's definitely not in love with my bank account (I’m quite wellfixed through my various investments) and she is certainly with me for who I am. Shana was the one who first said the “L” word. I believe her Interest Level is around 95%, as she always talks about our future, how much she loves me, that she can’t wait to get married, and that she can’t wait to have kids with me. A few times she has also given me hints, like “where's my ring?” and she says “I love you” over 20 times a day, while I keep my responses to a third of that in order to stay a Challenge.

but is she too open to other guys? Here’s the problem: Shana is very “touchy” -- too touchy -- with random guys that she meets while we’re out. I have spoken to her about it and asked her how she’d feel if I was touchy and all over the girls I met. She says that while this is the person she has always been she’ll work on it if it bothers me. I have seen some changes in her, but she’s still in contact with a bunch of her ex-boyfriends. Her excuse is that she's close to their families or she has mutual friends with them. I have a software setup that automatically e-mails me all the communications done through Shana’s computer and I also have the password to her e-mail accounts. I track her e-mails and responses every day, and I’ve noticed nothing really threatening in her e-mails to her exboyfriends. They just talk about their new lives, but she never mentions the fact that she has a new boyfriend -- me -- who she really loves. And there’s nothing about the guys’ new girlfriends either. Since Shana travels around the world, I’m concerned with what she does when she flies to other countries. If she’s too friendly and touchy when I’m around, what is she doing when I’m not there? Should I be concerned or am I being too hard on Shana? Clem - who feels uncomfortable with how she acts

doc love’s answer Hi Clem, Shana is a gorgeous flight attendant with good qualities? Who could ask for more? This is great, man. You know what this means? It means she’s going to be on a plane most of the time, and you’ll have the house all to yourself to do whatever you want. You’re so fortunate. Shana was the first one to say the “L” word? Clem, what you should be saying is that she was

the ONLY one to say the “L” word. You used the wrong word, my friend. You mean to tell me that you think that you’re a Challenge by telling your girlfriend only seven times a day how much you love her? Uh… yeah, sure. You have to go back and read my book a little more, pal. I think you missed a few pages. Doc Love hits the mark on all of Clem’s concerns…

crazy men and touchy fingers But you shouldn’t have criticized Shana for touching guys (though we’ll get into her “touchiness” more a little later). You should have told her that you were concerned for her security. When you’re trying to sell something to someone, dude, you don’t tell them that it’s a benefit to you -- you pitch the benefit to them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “How did you get rich, man?” Here’s what you should have said: “Honey, one day you’re going to touch somebody and the guy’s going to turn out to be a loon. You’ve seen American Justice and City Confidential; you know what kinds of wackos are running around out there. And that’s what I worry about -you’re just a little too friendly with strangers.”

shana admits to no faults Did you notice that Shana didn’t tell you that she was wrong when you pointed out her touchy behavior? It means she’s structured, guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, beware of the woman who can’t admit her errors.” Clem, we don’t want Shana to “work” on anything. We want her to say, “I’m so glad you’re concerned about my welfare and safety.” Think about it: When she’s walking your 4-year-old daughter around the mall and some goof is acting nuts, is Shana going to be talking to strangers then? Is she going to hug the guy because he tells her she looks nice? But you’ve seen changes in Shana since you two talked. That’s good; at least she’s listening. As long as there’s some improvement in her behavior, you’re moving in the right direction. Remember -- emphasize her SECURITY.

she flirts with her past relationships So this girl has loads of ex-boyfriends. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Does that mean Shana and I shot a few games of pool somewhere one night?” I want to say something to all you girls out there: When you meet a guy, please don’t have any contact with anybody you ever went out with in the past. I’m sure this stewardess is the super-friendly type, but there’s no reason for her to stay close

to the families of her exes, because those boyfriends are gone -- or they should be gone. I see that you’re playing James Bond on Shana by snooping on her e-mails. Beautiful. It proves that you’ve read the Dating Dictionary at least once. And like my cousin General Love says, “All’s fair in love and war.”

shana has red flags on the tarmac But the fact that she has a new boyfriend with whom she’s allegedly madly in love with -YOU -- and doesn’t mention him is a huge RED FLAG. And let’s face it, buddy, these other guys aren’t talking about their new girlfriends or you because they still want Shana. To you Psych majors: The ex-boyfriends are dying to get back with her. So you’re concerned about her flying all over the globe and touching all those foreigners? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “I could answer your question about what she’s doing when you’re not there, but you’d probably commit suicide.” That said, I do think that you’re being too hard on Shana. The Reality Factor says that in every deal there’s going to be something you don’t like and in your deal, you have a “touchyfeely” girlfriend on your hands. In your case, the fact that she drapes herself all over every guy she meets is the downside, but considering the fact that she has everything else going for her, I’d learn to overlook it if I were you.

get on board or catch another flight In the end, you have to figure out how you’re built before you move on, Clem. Is Shana’s touchy nature a “deal-killer”? Only you can answer that question. If this habit of hers is going to irritate the hell out of you, you better give it lots of thought, because she’s going to be touching guys for the next 40 years. Remember, guys: It’s tough to love a girl who can’t keep her hands off other men.

She Likes Older Men Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Jeanna for several months now and I believe that she has a high Interest Level in me (she cooks for me and always tells me how much she misses me). She also calls me at work every day -- pretty good, right? Well, here is my problem: Jeanna’s previous boyfriends were all significantly older (we’re in our mid-20s) -- some as old as 50. She thinks I dress “too young” (jeans and T-shirts) and

buys me clothes to make me look “older.” (Womanese for, “I want him to resemble my much older boyfriends.”) Recently, we had a major confrontation at her birthday party, which was held at a bar. Jeanna got really drunk and started complaining that I was always uptight. Later on in the evening she broke down in tears and started talking about her ex-boyfriend of four years (they broke up a year before she met me), and how heartbroken over the old guy she still is. It was embarrassing for me because everyone heard her.

breaking up is hard to do Well, I decided that I would end it in two weeks, which gave me time to collect my things from Jeanna’s house. But the day after the incident, I confronted her about what happened at the bar. She said she was too drunk to remember what she said and that she never meant a word of it. She then said she loved me and begged me to forgive her. I agreed, on the condition that she changes a few things about herself -- basically to stop thinking and talking about these stupid ex-boyfriends. And, for some reason, her fixation on guys old enough to be her father really bothers me. Doc, am I making a big mistake by taking her back? Your advice is greatly appreciated. Jo-Jo - who suddenly doesn’t know what to do

doc love’s answer Hi Jo-Jo, This sounds great! Dude, you got it made. You have a girl with high Interest Level, who cooks for you and who can’t stop telling you how much she misses you. Can you imagine how many guys DON’T have what you have now? But you’ve got problems. Well, I’m SHOCKED. You mean this isn’t a clean deal? I thought you said this girl was perfect. What the heck happened in the space of a couple of sentences? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this is what happens when you haven’t known her long enough.”

she likes a sharp-dressed man With her clothes fetish, maybe Jeanna really wants you to resemble her exes. Then again, maybe she just doesn’t want you to look like a bum anymore. This situation exists with lots of couples: You’ll see the guy slouching around in flip-flops, T-shirts and torn jeans and looking like he never saw a razor or the inside of a barber shop, while his girl is decked out in a nice

dress with boots and jewelry and looks like a clotheshorse that stepped out of a shopping catalog. Women always try and overdress men. So, I would take it as a positive and use it for the purpose of self-improvement if Jeanna’s doing this not to make you look older, but to prevent you from getting arrested for vagrancy. On the other hand, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You gotta remember that this girl does like old bananas.” Doc Love takes a look at the birthday party situation…

barstool psychology Let’s look at what happened at the infamous birthday party. Is this the first time in a few months Jeanna’s gotten inebriated? How many drinks per date does she usually down? How come you’re not telling me that, pal? After she called the bartender over for the fifth time, that’s when she told you you’re way too uptight for her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Is that because she gets real loose when she has a few pops?” Or is she saying that just because she doesn’t want you picking out your own clothes? Once Jeanna started bawling at the bar, you should have changed the environment fast. You couldn’t tell all the guests to leave, but you could have left. And, guy, you should have gotten right out of there the minute the waterworks started. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What’s wrong with you, boy? You sat there while she talked about an old flame and there were 150 people in the room giggling.”

confronting a low interest level But in reality you have a worse problem: When you confronted Jeanna about this embarrassing incident afterward, you were talking to a girl whose Interest Level was below 50% -- and the Reality Factor says that this means she could care less and you weren’t really confronting anything. If this girl’s Interest Level was up at 85% or 95%, then you’d be truly doing something. But, as it stands now, her interest is well below the Mason-Dixon Line. You just think it’s on the north side. Now, let me ask you this: If this girl said she was too drunk to remember what she said at the party, how does she know she didn’t mean it? Like I’ve told you guys again and again, when you interrogate girls you have to be like love detectives on Love & Order and pick up on the discrepancies in their stories. You let her off the hook on that one, man.

so, she’s a grave digger

What’s interesting though, is the topic she did just happen to pick to blab about when she was bombed. She could have talked about how much she loved her parents or, even better, how much she loved you. But what does she do? She goes back four years to some guy who’s living in a convalescent home -- and she couldn’t stop going on about him. Even though I’m not a shrink, if she’s that into grandfathers, it’s my guess that she didn’t have a solid father figure in her house. If she wants to daydream about guys who are about ready to go up to Boot Hill, that’s her prerogative. But she’s with you. Why? You must be strong in other areas, because you’re not an old geezer. So she overlooked that in you, probably because you’re funny and confident and good-looking. But now that you’re falling apart, it’s not working anymore and all she can think about is how lousy you look in your grungy clothes. Remember, guys: Your age is a part of the physical-attraction test.

White Trash Women Hey Doc, I purchased “The System” last year, enjoyed it, and even recommended it to some of my “skeptical” friends and coworkers. The problem is, I lost it... it vanished without a trace! I’m 25 and have been exclusively dating the beautiful Natasha for about 19 months now. She’s the type of girl most guys would describe as “cool.” One of our first dates consisted of a six-pack of beer and two hours of playing the Xbox. She’s not at all needy or insecure, and she’s very low-maintenance. She’s happy with just a card for her birthday. She also realizes the financial burden of living almost 80 minutes away from me, and offers to pay for dinner/movies/gas occasionally. And to top that off, she’s a Flexible Giver. Sometimes she’ll surprise me with a homemade meal, or a small gift she picked up at the store when she was thinking about me. I know she finds me entertaining because she laughs at all my dumb jokes.

she's trailer trash Here’s the problem. Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of disappointed in Natasha. At age 26, she still doesn’t have her driver’s license. She got into a very serious car wreck a few years ago (her friend died behind the wheel), so I can understand that she may be afraid to drive. But she also doesn’t have a college education. She’s attending classes to obtain a GED, but she only shows up half the time. We’ve gotten into a few fights over this since I come from strict parenting with an emphasis on responsibility. Natasha keeps promising me that she’s going to get her GED, but it seems like it’s taking forever.

She also told me she’s bipolar. I’m somewhat skeptical toward people who claim to be bipolar. Her family is poor, and her parents can be considered the stereotypical “trailer trash” -- lazy and unmotivated. Finally, she has a 7-year-old daughter who is spoiled. Natasha doesn’t have full custody of her daughter (I don’t know all the details, but she’s had two boyfriends in the past who were bad influences and this contributed to her not getting full custody). I try not to let these factors cloud my judgment because I want to believe individuals have the power to become whatever they desire, regardless of their environment. But over the past 19 months, we’ve had two or three really heated arguments over these issues, and she even slapped me a few times. I’m at a point where I’m thinking of breaking up with Natasha, but I’m also under a lot of stress from work, so maybe my mind is just clouded right now. I don’t want to make a decision I will regret later because Natasha has some wonderful traits your book would describe as essential, despite the red flags. What should I do? Calvin - who sees it both ways

doc love's answer Hi Calvin, You lost my book? Let’s pretend for a moment that you cut the pages out of the inside of my book and you hid $20,000 in unmarked twenties in there. Would you have lost it then? I’m very happy for you that this girl of yours is “low-maintenance.” Now, I want you guys to remember those two words -- I’m going to come back to them later. And I also want you guys to think about what else Calvin has said here. When was the last time your girlfriend picked up a small gift at the store for you? Isn’t that wonderful? Doc Love sets Calvin straight with a little tough love... Well, Calvin, everything you’ve told me about Natasha up to this point is nothing short of fantastic! But what’s this about a problem? I thought Natasha was the ideal woman. I’m absolutely shocked that something could possibly be awry! Let’s look at your concerns, pal. It took you 19 whole months to realize that Natasha can’t drive? How long did you have my book? About an hour before it vanished without a trace?

she has issues

I understand and sympathize that a car wreck was involved in Natasha’s fear of getting behind the wheel. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “How many open bottles of Jack Daniels did the cops find on the floor of that vehicle?” I’m glad that Natasha shows up about half the time to her GED class. Sounds like she’s the responsible type. And don’t forget -- that’s going to be your responsible wife right there who forgot to pay the electric bill. The Reality Factor says that this girl doesn’t come from a background with an emphasis on strict responsibility. So, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, why don’t you just get into how fine she looks and forget about what’s inside her head for a while?” So she’s bipolar, huh? Man, I won’t go near that one. It’s totally politically incorrect to touch that word, but my long-term readers and fans will know what I’m thinking right now. Heck, I’m scared to death if anybody even mentions that word in a conversation! Ninety percent of the time, our traitor judges in this country award custody of the kids to the mother. If the woman doesn’t get the kid legally, it’s a HUGE RED FLAG, my friend. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You sure she’s not wanted for anything, dude?”

time to get real Now Calvin, can you imagine living with this woman? I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t, and I’m going to come from an angle you’ve never heard before. You have to remember that the woman you want has to have a GOOD ATTITUDE, a MINIMUM OF SCARS, and NOT A LOT OF BAGGAGE. Because that stuff will haunt you. To you Psych majors, you’ll pay dearly for her problems. Your sentiments about the great potential of the human race are noble, but guy, this girl is 26 years old, and she can’t finish the 12th grade! She can’t even show up for the class! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Her parents’ favorite TV program is the Jerry Springer Show.” You’re telling me that a woman slapped you across the face and you kept going out with her? Are you sure you ordered the right book? But not to worry, you’re at a point where you’re thinking of breaking up with Natasha. What’s it going to take, buddy -- a bullet through the heart? You don’t hit people. You don’t hit anybody. That’s the problem with the world today. Just look at all the countries that are constantly at war. Somebody’s always hitting somebody else. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re supposed to care for the other person, not use him as a punching bag.”

escape while you can Your stress at work is the perfect excuse for your troubles with Natasha. And she tried to slap it out of you to make you feel better -- is that your rationalization for getting popped in the

head? Is all of this stuff a big red flag? Calvin, this flag could cover Nebraska! If I were you, I’d move to Bangladesh. Remember, guys: When they’ve got tons of problems, they are not low-maintenance.

Doc Love: Ask Her Out Hey Doc, I’m an avid fan of “The System” and I read your articles every day during my lunch break. I think you’re doing a great thing for all men by coaching us with your valuable knowledge. However, there’s one subject that I don’t think you cover directly: How do you persuade a girl who is a casual acquaintance to go out on a date without looking desperate or overly eager, and at the same time remain a Challenge? I am currently a college student who is very sociable and quick to meet and greet people, especially females. I met Anoushka last year while we were out with a large group of friends. We chatted, had a few laughs, and exchanged cell phone numbers (I know you teach us to get home phone numbers but she lived in a dorm at the time and used her cell phone for most calls). Truthfully, I sensed no spark between us, and only asked for her number so that I could brag about it to my friends. Also, Anoushka was in a relationship with someone at the time.

suddenly single One year later, Anoushka is single and has become much more attractive, enhancing her appearance by losing 20 pounds since she’s back on the market. My dilemma is that, although I’m dying to strike up a conversation with her and ask her out on a date, I’m not sure how I should go about it without looking desperate. We have not been talking regularly at all, just occasional greetings whenever we see each other on campus. I would try and just give her a call and ask her out, but I feel as though the conversation would be awkward since we haven't had a real conversation in person for about a year. I would also try striking up a conversation when I see her around campus, but I’m stumped as to what I should talk to her about that would smoothly transition into an invitation for coffee. Another big problem is that Anoushka has three friends who she’s constantly with and I rarely see her by herself. I really don’t feel like trying to figure out how to separate her from her friends. Every way I think to approach her makes me look too aggressive and not challenging at all.

What should I do? Did I miss my chance by not staying in contact with Anoushka for the past year? Should guys always stay in touch with a girl who has potential even if she’s not immediately attracted to him? Drake - who’s stumped

doc love's answer Hi Drake, I do cover the subject of asking out a so-called “casual acquaintance” in "The System," but you must have missed it. But that’s OK. We’ll cover it again. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Some of you boys is a little slow.” But asking this girl out is a piece of cake, so don’t worry. Your ability to meet and greet females and chat them up is a great quality, pal. Most guys don’t have it, so you should be grateful. Let me compliment you on that. It can take you far with the babes. Doc Love tells it like it is... Please don’t misrepresent me here. I don’t teach men to get home phone numbers. I teach them to ASK for home phone numbers. There’s a big difference. If Anoushka has a cell phone and that’s the one she always uses, it’s fine to call her on that one. You just want to make sure she doesn’t have a hardwired phone in her dorm room, that’s all. I have to hand it to you, Drake. Getting Anoushka to give you her number so you can brag to your friends about it shows that you’re really mature. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “It’s a step away from notching your belt.”

it's not desperation - it's interest Now let’s take a look at what has you bent into a pretzel here: asking Anoushka out for a date without looking desperate. It’s simple, dude. Just do what I tell you to do. You have the vastly mistaken notion that any forward move toward this girl is going to be seen as desperation. But not if you go in slowly. The fact that you haven’t been talking to this girl on a regular basis has nothing to do with anything. The point is that she’s comfortable with you and she knows who you are. This gives you an advantage. Use it. Why would the conversation be awkward if you ask Anoushka out? Just because you know her? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, you’re laying a heavy head-trip on yourself.” Forget everything that happened between you and this girl in the past. When you

call her up, act like nothing’s ever happened between the two of you. And then you’re going to ask her out and start to discover her Interest Level -- if there is one -- which is the whole idea of the Starbucks date. If you’re stumped about what to talk to Anoushka about leading into asking her out, just ask her about the classes she’s taking in college. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s a real hard one!”

what to talk about You’re not going to pull a divide and conquer with Anoushka’s friends. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re going to do an end-run around them!” Let me say it again: You’re going to call Anoushka on her cell phone, and you’re going to make a date for Starbucks. Forget about her friends, and forget about the fact that you know her. Like I said earlier, none of that stuff matters. See, Drake, you’ve got something really mixed up here. It’s a mistake to think that any action in the direction of this girl is anti-Challenge. I teach you to make that first move. I coach you to ask for her home phone number. I tell you to kiss her on the date. To you Psych majors, these are confident, aggressive moves. But don’t forget, prior to doing any of that, you’re making her laugh 99% of the time. Keep it light and keep it funny. Along with moving in slowly, that’s an essential part of your battle plan. It’s better that you didn’t stay in touch with Anoushka over the past year. Because now you’ll have things to talk about. Staying in touch with a girl who’s got a boyfriend is a waste of time and effort. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You could be hustling the phone numbers of other females during the time you squandered mooning over the one who’s kissing somebody else.” Remember, guys: If you’ve got her phone number, just call her up and ask her out to Starbucks.

Fighting Her Family Hey Doc, Jolene (not her real name) and I recently broke up after two years. On the surface, this might not seem like a very interesting subject, but I’m confused about what’s going on. In order to properly understand my situation, I need to tell you about the unusual factors involved in our relationship. Jolene is the sister of a very well-known celebrity actress, one who is often mentioned in Top

Women lists. She has a very controlling mother and a best friend who is also her sister-in-law. All three of them now live in Los Angeles, having moved there from a smaller town in central California. My ex is very sweet, good-natured, non-confrontational, smart, and quite attractive. But she has always lived in her sister’s shadow. To add insult to injury, her mother does not like me one bit, and for what reason I don’t know. Frankly, her mother has not liked a single one of my ex’s boyfriends, and I find that to be an issue in itself.

fame and misfortune Jolene and I spent almost all of our time together and we were quite happy. She even told me that she had been happy with me while she was breaking up with me. She cited the fact that we were not going to get married as the reason why she broke it off, but I think that it was the “support” group around her that led her to make this decision. Doc, I don’t know what to make of all this. I know that I have to move on and cut off communication with Jolene, but we have had some sporadic contact since the breakup, though not for the past several days. I know that Jolene is running around town with her famous sister, mother and best friend and being followed by the paparazzi. I feel as though I got the short end of the stick here and think that she is being given advice by people who have not seen us together and who have their own selfish agendas in mind. Do you think there’s any chance of getting Jolene back? Do you think being related to someone famous has twisted Jolene’s head? I’d appreciate your thoughts on these matters. Ervin - who feels overwhelmed and outnumbered

doc love's answer Hi Ervin, You and Jolene didn’t just “break up” after two years. What you really mean is, “She dumped me.” Why don’t you just man up and state the truth? I don’t want to be too harsh on you here (I know some of you guys think that I beat up on you in my columns), but when you make a big boo-boo, I can’t just tiptoe around it. You’re here for THE TRUTH, and that’s always what you’re going to get. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, the truth shall set you free!”

move on Dude, you have to get Jolene away from these blockers she’s with. Somehow you have to get her to move out. Because there’s no distance between Jolene and her mother and “best friend,” these people can bring down both her Interest Level and your Interest Level --

indirectly. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, this kind of attack will wear you down.” Doc Love offers Ervin some more advice about getting his girl back... I’m sure that Jolene has all the wonderful qualities you enumerate -- when she’s with you. You can bet she’s not exhibiting the same qualities when she’s with the blockers. Pal, you have to move this girl exactly because she’s always lived in her sister’s shadow. What have I told you guys hundreds of times before? Change the environment. If you have to, move to Bakersfield. You know why Jolene’s mother doesn’t like you? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s an easy one: Because she hates men.” To you Psych majors, you have to wonder about a woman who hates the guts of a guy her daughter likes, and who treats her like Cary Grant would -- classy. The fact that her mother hasn’t liked any of Jolene’s exes verifies what I’m saying. And remember, when a girl hates “The System,” she’s not a good girl for you.

love hate Buddy, you two weren’t happy when Jolene was breaking up with you -- she was the only one who was happy. This reminds me of the girl who once said to me, “I love you so much, I just can’t take all this happiness -- I have to get rid of you!” So I told her, “Please hurry up and hate my guts so we can start kissing!” The fact that you weren’t getting married wasn’t why you and Jolene went splitsville. Women break it off for one reason, and one reason only. The reason she gave you was the number two reason for getting rid of you. But the real reason is that you lowered her Interest Level due to your past deportment. Ervin, you owned this girl way back when. She used to idolize you once upon a time and now she wants to date other guys. She couldn’t wait to see you when you were first going out and now she can’t stand the sight of you. What happened, kiddo? This so-called “support group” Jolene hangs with is really the third reason you broke up. Remember: Only you can lower Jolene’s Interest Level. I agree that Jolene’s two roommates hate your guts. And that’s a problem. So what can you do? You have to wait for Jolene to call you. If she calls you, invite her over to your house and cook dinner for her. But you’re not going to drive anywhere to meet her, and she has to come to your place. If she says no, keep the conversation limited to five minutes and hang up. You have to hope that her Interest Level is 51% to 55% because then you might be able to pull this one out. But if it’s in the 40s or less, you’re history, my friend.

don't bet on it

Do I think there’s a chance of getting Jolene back? Well, if I were a betting man, I wouldn’t take the action. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Las Vegas says it’s 10 to 1 that you don’t stand a chance.” Fame might possibly have twisted Jolene’s head. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Let’s put it this way -- who remembers Ashlee Simpson’s ex-boyfriend?” But keep in mind that this girl never treated you badly, and when you were together you always had a good time. You only had problems when you got around those two serpents she lives with. What does that tell you? Remember, guys: Anytime you get mixed signals, disappear.

She's Spreading Rumors Hey Doc, I stumbled on your site and column by accident a long time ago and I’ve been hooked ever since. "The System" is great! Doc, I have a major issue: I got into a relationship with a beautiful young lady, Shannon, a year ago. It was all wonderful until the end -- which is usually the case. One night we really went at each other, got into a huge argument over some really stupid stuff, and broke up. I thought it was best if I let things cool off and then see where she was at because I didn’t want to throw away one whole year of a good relationship just like that.

accusations and no answers I was hurting. After about a week or so I tried calling her, but she wouldn’t pick up. At the advice of a friend, I stupidly wrote her a letter, pouring my heart out to her. Still nothing. Then I did what you say to do -- I got completely off Shannon’s radar. I cut off our mutual friends too. Now word on the street is that she’s telling everyone in our former circle -- mind you, that's a lot of people -- that I was “stalking” her. This is complete bull! I understand that Shannon is hurt and trying to make herself feel better, but still, this is wrong. I’m still laying low because I don’t want to deal with this childish drama. My dilemma is that I want to stand up for myself and tell my side of the story. Everyone thinks I went crazy and that I’m a stalker, which is the total opposite of what really went down. My reputation is valuable and now it’s ruined. What should I do? Please help!!!

Yevgeny - who feels under attack

doc love's answer Hi Yevgeny, Let me thank you very much for the compliment, and I want to tell you why you think "The System" great -- and it’s not because I wrote it. It’s because the fact that you’re faithfully reading it shows that you’re open to change. And that’s a great trait in a guy. You’ll make a great student. I know exactly what you mean about your relationship being great until the end. Like Clint Eastwood says, “It starts out good, then it goes bad, and then it just gets ugly.” You didn’t just get into an argument with Shannon and break up. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She set you up, paisan.” Guy, you have to look at that possibility. Think about it -- after an entire year it takes only one tiny argument to make this girl want to never see you again? No, no, no. There’s something else going on here. Ever hear of low Interest Level?

getting her back? not an option Yev, there was nothing to cool off. Shannon’s already with her next guy. You’re talking about taking a break from this babe as if you have some option of going back. That option doesn’t exist. Oh, my friend, you have so much work to do. Doc Love reveals the down and dirty about when things go south with the ladies... You might not want to throw away a whole year of a supposedly great relationship, but Shannon does. And that’s the problem. This is all about what she wants, buddy. No matter what you ever read or hear from the shrinks and sociologists and Feministas, it’s always about what the woman wants. I’m shocked that Shannon wouldn’t pick up the phone when you called her! Gee, I thought she missed you! Let me tell you something. Spilling your guts in a letter only works in Hollywood movies, daytime serials, and on Oprah’s show. But like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “In the street, it ain’t got no credibility.”

free-falling interest levels At that desperate point of no return, you finally did what I told you to do. It’s funny how I always come last, isn’t it? You guys never call me when Interest Level dips from 95% to 85% -- you call me when Interest Level does a free-fall from 95% to 35%. By then it’s

too late. But you do get a medal for taking yourself off Shannon’s radar and cutting off all your mutual friends. This is fantastic! You did it, Yev -- you played hardball. Finally! Even if it took a good old-fashioned slap down from Shannon to make you face reality. Now think about this. You went out with a girl who was a whack-job for 12 whole months, and now that you’re pulling a disappearing act, she sees you behind every bush. What is it about her that you didn’t pick up earlier? You were with her all that time and you didn’t see any other red flags? Man, this girl can get you in trouble with the local police department. If she wanted, she could even inflict damage on your job. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, my son, in America the male is always really the victim.”

you're hurt… she's not But you maintain that Shannon is crushed by what happened between the two of you. Yev, you’re the one who’s hurt in case you haven’t noticed. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Don’t worry about her. She’s kissing her new dude on the back of his Harley.” Or like my Uncle Jethro Love puts it, “You’re hurtin’ and she’s got a can of Coors in her hand!” But you’re still laying low so you don’t get involved in her hysterics. Here’s what you’ve got wrong: This isn’t childish drama at all. The real problem is that your Interest Level is 88% and hers is 35%. Let me tell you why you shouldn’t stand up and tell your side of the story. The people who like you are not going to believe Shannon anyway. And the rest of them didn’t like you to begin with -- they can’t hate you any more than they already do.

turn the tables I understand why you’re frustrated over the false accusations flying around, and I believe that you’re telling the truth here. But you’re not going to react to it. Here’s what you should do. If you have a good common friend, get him to call Shannon. After he talks to her for 10 or 15 minutes, have him roll the conversation around to you. And make sure he turns on the tape recorder. Then, after she’s blasted you and accused you of all kinds of crimes, go to the police department and have a little talk with the officers before she does. Remember, guys: If she wants to play down and dirty, get to the cops first.

Long Distance Relationships Hey Doc, I have been a fan of yours for a long time, and you have helped me tremendously with my current girlfriend, who I’ve been going out with for seven months. My girlfriend, Sarah Jane, happens to be beautiful, smart, funny, and, did I mention, gorgeous? She’s easily the best girl I’ve ever had. We have a great time whether we’re playing volleyball or taking a cooking class. Plus, this girl always makes laugh. Even when she’s dressed down in something like a sweat suit and sneakers she looks like a model. And to top it all off, she’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She’s a Flexible Giver and not at all hard-nosed or structured. I couldn’t find a better catch if I tried for a 100 years.

trouble in paradise Now here’s my problem. In a few months I will be leaving on a church mission for two years. There’s no way out of this obligation for me, so I can’t even think about it. I don’t know the exact place where I’ll be stationed, but it could possibly be out of the country in a remote location. Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to this entire situation. While on this religious mission, my contact with Sarah Jane will be limited to letters, e-mails, and only a few phone calls a year. I don’t want to lose Sarah Jane. Is there any way that I can keep this woman interested in me for the next two years? She has expressed an interest in waiting for me to return, but I know that a woman with her looks and qualities won’t last long without a man by her side. Is there any hope for me, Doc? Can you give me any tips for keeping her? Thanks in advance and keep up the good work. Joseph - who hates to leave her behind

doc love’s answer Hi Joseph, Since Sarah Jane is both beautiful and gorgeous, I can tell you right off the bat that we have a lot of work ahead of us -- a LOT of work. So, let’s take a look at your situation. You’re leaving the country on a church mission for two long, lonely years. You’re going to leave your girl behind and she’s going to wait patiently for you and nobody’s going to ask her out. The only problem you have is that she looks like she

belongs on the cover of Vogue. But she’s going to be loyal to you for the whole time that you’re gone. And you’re going to try and hold her Interest Level while you’re in Kenya digging a sewer and preaching the Good Book. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “I admire you for your faith, my son, but even God might not be able to help you with this one.”

exiled by faith And you tell me you’re not looking forward to your long exile? Why not? Maybe they’ll send you somewhere like Bahrain -- now there’s a nice place to live. They have lots of oil over there and the king is very, very rich. The picture is clear, dude. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got real bad odds on this here race, boy.” But I’m on your side, so we’re going to come up with a plan to try and help you out. Doc Love has a plan for old Joseph and his sweet Sarah Jane… You’re right about one thing: Sarah Jane won’t last long without a man by her side. Because like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s because there’s going to be so many guys hitting on her.” They’ll tell her “I just want to be your friend,” but they don’t really want to be her friend -- they want to be her boyfriend. And they’re going to want to knock you out of the box and you won’t be in town to hold your position. You’ll be organizing prayer meetings on the other side of the world.

a hopeless cause Is there any hope for you? You know what the Reality Factor says don’t you? “When you’re 5,000 miles away for years at a time, her memory starts to weaken.” So I’ll say it again, pal -your chances are not good. This is what you have to do. You have to keep it light and funny right up until the day you leave for South Korea or Myanmar or wherever they send you. And then, when you’re getting ready to board the plane, you’ll say to Sarah Jane, “Here’s my e-mail address. Keep in touch, baby.” Forget the phone calls. If she wants to call you, she can call you. I don’t want you phoning her. Then you just have to hope this girl can last and that she’s so busy on her job that she doesn’t have time to go out and have a little fun with some other guy. Fat chance.

jody got your girl Your best chance of making this relationship last is to keep Sarah Jane’s Interest Level in the 90s up until the time you leave town. Then you two are going to exchange e-mails and you’re going to see how hard she tries to keep in contact with you. You’re going to have to hope that at the end of two years she’s still writing and calling you and that nobody’s taken her out and made her laugh. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If I were you, and I met a nice girl

out in the wilderness, I’d keep my options open.” Here’s something else to think about, Joseph. When you got into this thing you knew you were going to have to go off on this mission. Before you asked this girl for her phone number and took her out on the first date, you should have said to yourself, “I better be careful about falling for this stunner, because I’m going to have to take a two-year hike pretty soon.” And you should have realized the heartbreak you were flirting with, especially with a girl who’s a ringer for Jessica Alba. I’m not being negative here -- just honest and realistic. And I’m trying to enlighten you, which is my job. To you Psych majors, in a sense this relationship was doomed from the beginning.

perfect strangers As you know, if you’ve read my book, I’m not a big fan of the long-distance relationship; there are way too many obstacles to overcome. And if by some stroke of luck she’s still around when you come back to America, you’ll be strangers to each other. But I want you to do your best to beat the odds. That’s why I’m here -- to coach you guys to have a fighting chance. Remember, guys: When you don’t live close by, it’s a lot harder to check up on her.

Getting Over Your Ex Hey Doc, Please coach me! Veronica and I broke up about five years ago. We were madly in love, but things didn’t work out, mostly because of the battles she was having with her father and mother over our relationship. We were quite young at the time. Fast forward to the present. I’m now 29 and Veronica is 23. She phoned me out of the blue recently to tell me that love never dies and that she misses me terribly. She was actually in tears when she was telling me this. Suddenly everything came back to me and I realized that I was still in love with her. I told her that I felt the same as she does.

picking up where we left off Well, we got together and the magic and fire were still there. We got very romantic right away and Veronica started talking about marriage and having kids with me. I was ecstatic. I felt like I got my life back.

Now here’s the catch: She has a boyfriend. I was shocked! I immediately asked her to give the guy up, but for some unfathomable reason, she hesitated and hasn’t done it. Making matters worse, I happened to see them together -- I felt as if someone had driven a stake straight into my heart.

i’ve lost her twice Doc, I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I lost this girl twice. I know that if Veronica doesn’t give up this boyfriend of hers that I’ll have to put her out of my life for good. The problem is, of course, that I could never stop thinking about her in the first place. I feel as if my fixation on her has destroyed a good part of my life. So my questions are these: How can I persuade Veronica to drop this guy and get her back again? If that doesn’t work, how does a guy get over a girl he can’t get over? Nigel - who wants to stop suffering

doc love’s answer Hi Nigel, You were young when you started going out with Veronica. You were only 24, but you were still too old for her. That’s because she was only 18 at the time. If I were her parents, I would have put a stop to it, too. What you should have done was disappear and come back when Veronica was a little older -- like about 23. But I have to ask you this: If love never dies and she misses you so terribly, how come she didn’t call you sooner? Doc sets the record straight for Nigel…

moving too fast It was OK to feel that you were head over heels for Veronica again, but this girl has to start all over again with you. She has no track record with you, pal. You two haven’t even had your Starbucks date yet, and you already told this girl you’re in love with her? Wow -- can you move a little faster? Now think about it: the Starbucks first date versus the “I love you.” Do you think maybe there should be a little bit of time between those two events? I’m sure the magic and fire were still there for one night, but like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The blaze ain’t gonna last.” You might have felt like you got your life back when Veronica started whispering all those lies in your ear, but man, you gave her way too much credit way

too soon. If she’s saying the same things three or four months from now and you don’t spot any red flags, great! But you two haven’t even exchanged coffee!

she’s not interested The unfathomable reason for you can’t figure out why Veronica won’t give up her boyfriend is called LOW INTEREST LEVEL -- in you. That’s what the man can never look at and accept. To you Psych majors, he always has to come up with some rationalization, a hundred different reasons why she’s giving him trouble except the one that really counts, which is that she doesn’t dig him. You have to realize that what Veronica did was all a big act, my friend. She had a fight with her boyfriend and decided to go back to someone who she knew was still waiting in the wings. That poor sap was you. Since she felt bad after the tiff, she needed to find out if she was still desirable. So she got her jollies with you, had her little return to yesteryear, then she kicked you out. That’s the good part. The bad part is that she’s back in the arms of her boyfriend. Whom she never left, by the way. She just wanted her ego stroked, that’s all.

you never had her I know exactly how you’re feeling with that knife sticking in your heart, guy. You can’t even catch your breath, can you? You’ve got a lot of work to do, Nigel. You have to learn to practice SELF-CONTROL and not go so fast. You didn’t lose this girl twice. You lost her once because you were too old to date her. The second time you never had her to lose. Do you think Veronica really cares if you bump her out of your life for good? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Right now she and her beau are at home cooking soup, dancing in the kitchen to salsa music, and talking about how many kids they’re going to have, while you’re busy driving a sliver of bamboo into your heart.”

love is a drug The reason you never stopped thinking of Veronica in the first place is because love is a drug. I tell you guys never to let your Interest Level get into the 90s, and she took yours all the way to 100%. When you finally realize that hers is only around 7%, maybe you’ll wake up. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, my son, this is God’s way of telling you you’re doing something wrong.” Nigel, you better get "The System" -- fast. Of course your fixation on someone who doesn’t give a hoot about you has destroyed a huge part of your life. That’s what drugs do. Veronica’s on your mind 18 hours a day. When you go to sleep, you’re dreaming about her. And I’ve got news for you: She’s not leaving your mind anytime soon.

There’s only one way to get Veronica to drop this guy and come back to you: Win the lottery. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You take home a cool $88 million and she’s gonna see the light. She’ll forget all about salsa music.” How do you get over her? MEMORIZE MY PRINCIPLES AND INTERNALIZE THEM. Or pay the price. Remember, guys: As the old adage goes, time is mankind’s greatest healer.

She Won't Call

Hey Doc, I’m just getting back into the dating scene after a two-and-a-half-year relationship, and I’m a little rusty. I was familiar with your advice and a follower of your articles prior to my last relationship, but I didn’t need to use them due to my ex’s constant attention regardless of what I did.

following old-fashioned gender roles Recently, I’ve been dating online and have had decent success in acquiring dates. Camille is one of them, but she’s a tough read and doesn’t initiate contact. Normally I don’t like to be the only one initiating contact. In addition, she’s the type of woman who is lavishly praised for her beauty. I have a close friend who is also a very attractive woman. She told me that even if she likes a guy, she never initiates contact; she always waits for him to make a move before she responds. She says that she’s old-fashioned and believes in gender roles and that I should just keep calling and dating Camille. Doc, is this acceptable? How does a guy appropriately deal with a woman who won’t initiate contact?

while she’s abroad I am doing the best I can to keep from getting sucked into the vortex of Camille’s life and playing her game, and I’ve realized that I need to change my approach before I screw this up. I have a month to come up with a plan since she will be traveling abroad during that time, and I’ll only able to communicate with her through an online network. Which brings up another question: Do I send Camille messages while she is gone? I don’t want to not contact her for concern that she will think I’ve lost interest while she was gone. What do I do here?

Artie - who feels at a disadvantage

doc love’s answer Hi Artie, What you really mean to say about your failed long-term relationship is that you didn’t go by my rules and she dumped you. If there was such a thing as “Manese” -- the male counterpart of Womanese -- that’s what you’d really be saying here, wouldn’t it? It’s amazing how the male ego can’t stand any type of discomfort. And the ego’s biggest problem is called the TRUTH. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The truth always implies that you have to accept responsibility for your actions, and it inflicts pain because it tells you that you have to get off your butt and follow 'The System.'"

dismissing the doc’s principles Why were you breaking my rules on purpose, Artie? You’re telling me that you broke them purposely, with impunity, and that your ex’s Interest Level didn’t drop. But like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Didn’t it ever occur to you that the woman can fake Interest Level?” Doc Love tells Artie to buck up and be chivalrous… Even worse, why in the world would you forsake the principles that got the girl in the first place? To you Psych majors, if a company builds its reputation on great service and it starts giving lousy service, its customers will walk away. That would come under the heading of “Common Sense.” Camille shouldn’t initiate contact with you, guy. And by the way, I hope you’re not lavishly praising this lady for her beauty. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She hears that from everybody, dog. She don’t need to hear it from you too.” But you’re wrong in not wanting to initiate contact with her. Hey, man, you’re the aggressor. But you’re not going to charge in like Bush on the way to Baghdad. Instead, you’re going to pace yourself; you’re going to take measured steps. To all you thickheads out there who don’t understand me, you’re going to go in SLOWLY.

be old-fashioned, but be shrewd The great part about being gorgeous, like your lady friend, is that you don’t have to initiate contact with anybody. Like my cousin General Love says, “There are too many soldiers willing to commit telephone blunders as it is.” But it’s great that your friend waits for the man to make a move before she responds. Artie, you should buy 10 pounds of candy and 200 roses for your friend because she gives great advice -- this is fantastic. Of course it’s acceptable to

do it this way. But what’s going to make you different from all the other guys? You’re not going to be a sap who does everything the woman wants you to do; you’re going to set Camille up and you’re going to work shrewdly and smartly with a strategy. How do you deal with a woman who won’t call you? You follow my guidelines. All the advice you need is between the covers of my book -- the one you supposedly knew at one time, but somehow got rusty at because you stopped playing by the rules.

camille is a keeper I like the way Camille is acting. This is a good, conservative girl. You’re going to proceed nice and slow with her because this is the kind of girl you want. The typical girl goes out with you one time and she’s texting you 50 times the next day. Something’s wrong with that girl. You won’t inundate Camille with e-mail while she’s away. The most you’ll do is wait eight or nine days and drop her a note that says, “Tell me about the fun you’re having on your vacation.” And you’ll answer her messages when she’s gone. If you can live with it, you’ll have to go along with her program because of the way this girl is built. But like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “After you’re with her for 40 or 50 years, let me know how you’re holding up.”

gauge her interest level Camille can do what she wants with your little e-mail. But with her answer, if you have my materials internalized, you’ll be able to see through her Womanese and really figure out her Interest Level -- because you’ll be giving her a chance to come back to you with something. Hopefully she’ll respond with, “When I get back, we’ll get together for sure.” The point is that you’re looking for something, and hopefully she’ll throw that something into her reply. That’s why you’re doing it this way, Artie. Like I said, you’re operating smart here and like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You never go straight in with a woman. You gotta work the angles and the side shots like Oscar De La Hoya.” Remember, guys: The old-fashioned girls are the best girls.

She Gives Ultimatums Hey Doc,

I’m well aware of your advice that the woman’s Interest Level is EVERYTHING in a dating relationship. Since I learned that, no matter what I’m feeling, I operate according to the reality of that principle. My problem involves a local celebrity I’ve gone out with for three months. I’m an attorney in a midsized city in the Pacific Northwest. Being seen in the company of a blonde anchor-babe is a big deal here. I’m not dating Reese because of an interest in showbiz; quite the contrary. We were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend and there was chemistry right away, both intellectually and physically. By the third month, we were inseparable. Mostly she called me. I kept to a five-day interval between calls, and when she called me, I forced myself to wait one day before returning it.

it's a family affair Anyway, the problem finally arrived. Reese called Friday night and told me she wanted me to attend her parents’ 40th wedding anniversary on Sunday afternoon. For an important family event, the custom is to give plenty of advance time. I told Reese that I already had plans for Sunday and that I hoped everyone would have a good time, but that I couldn’t go. Ten minutes later she called again. She was furious. “You should consider yourself lucky that I even invited you to this event!” That sort of thing. Apparently she was under the impression that, like every other guy in town, I was under her control. Then she gave me an ultimatum: Either I changed my Sunday plans or I was out of her life. I calmly told her that I wouldn’t be attending because I didn’t have enough notice and because I had other plans. She slammed the phone down and I went to bed. Even though I was angry, I didn’t call Reese back. On Monday, she phoned me at my office. She apologized for acting the way she did and said she’d been having a female problem that made her uncontrollable. She asked me to forgive her.

the truth comes out I told her I would. Then she confessed that she had actually had another date for her parents’ anniversary, but he backed out and she called me. She said, “It wasn’t fair to you, and I wanted you to know.” She added that she had asked the other guy months before she started dating me and that she was only interested in dating me. My question is this: Should I give Reese another chance? The way I see it, she was inflexible and she lied. That’s two strikes. Should I give her a third? Wilbur - who’s confused but moving on

doc love's answer

Hi Wilbur, Interest Level isn’t only everything; it’s the NUMBER ONE THING. Because, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Baby, without it, you’re dead.” Pal, I hope you don’t react to being seen in the company of a blonde anchor-babe. But I’m happy that you two had instant chemistry. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Ah! That rare moment in time when you both pass the physical attraction test with flying colors!” Doc reveals where Reese went wrong... I’m glad you forced yourself not to fall all over this girl and didn’t call her back the minute she phoned you. Beautiful! What a tough guy you are. Like my cousin General Love says, “We’re going to award you the Navy Cross!”

take the date Wilbur, for any event, there has to be plenty of advance notice -- not just family events. But you should have taken the date anyway, my friend, because it was INCOMING. To you Psych majors, I know it was short notice, but it’s better to get time in with the girl. At least you would have been there with her on Sunday, and you could have found out up close and personal why she waited so long to invite you to the party. The point is that you don’t know for sure that Reese was trying to control you. Guy, you don’t know what she was doing. You’re just grabbing at straws. It could have been one of five different things that she was up to when she threw her little fit. But then she issued you an ultimatum. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You gotta look at it this way, boy -- you found out sooner than later!” Myself, I don’t deal with people who give me ultimatums. I don’t like it in business, and I don’t like it in my social life. Forgiving this girl was a BIG MISTAKE. You should have told her “Let me think about this. Why don’t you get back to me in four weeks?” Reese can’t get off the hook just like that. She has to receive temporal punishment for her sin. She can’t say, “Oh -- sorry, forgive me,” and then you absolve her of all wrongdoing right away. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Dude, you have to make her feel the pain of missing you a little bit.” her big mistake Revealing that she had another date who backed out and that you were second choice was the dumbest thing Reese ever could have come out with. She should have kept her bee-stung lips shut and been happy that you were still there. Why is it that most women have this compulsion to confess things that will only puncture a man’s sensitivities? Like my cousin

Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she must be really mad at you!” Wanting you to know about her subterfuge was stupid logic. How is your knowing that Reese is a sneak going to make you feel better? How is it going to boost your Interest Level? No way. This girl may be able to read the news off a teleprompter, but she’s got a lot to learn about graciousness. If Reese only wanted to date you, she should have called the other guy and canceled her date with him after she went out with you for a couple of months. She should have told him, “Listen, we won’t be going to my parents’ function.” But she didn’t do that. Worse, she asked this guy to go with her six months before the day of the party, and she asked you two days before the date. Was there somebody else in there whom she was thinking of inviting? HUGE RED FLAG.

doc's verdict Should you give Reese another chance? You already gave her another chance when you shot your mouth off and told her you were letting her off the hook. You didn’t say you’d think about it. You didn’t tell her to call you in a month and then saw what she did with it. If you had, you would really have found out where she was coming from. So that’s three strikes, Wilbur. She’s out. Remember, guys: If she’s structured and can’t tell the truth, it’s time to get out of there.

Hiding Interest Hey Doc, I’ve read your articles and learned a lot from what you have to say. I was married for 10 years and my first wife divorced me a little over a year ago, so as you might have guessed, I’m really unsure of myself when it comes to women. However, there’s a beautiful woman at work I’m really attracted to. I’m so nervous around Krista that I can barely manage to say hello. It turns out that she apparently feels -- or should I say felt -- the same way about me, because I heard through the grapevine that she thought I was hot. I was skeptical at first, but then she started looking at me and complimenting me. All the signs of interest were there, which was great. But one day she caught me off guard. She came into my office and tried to flirt a little and I

just froze. I guess she wanted to know where she stood with me, and so she came out and asked. I told her, quite bluntly, I wasn’t interested. She just said “OK,” and walked away.

i messed it up I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, because I knew I had made a huge mistake. Of course, the end result is that now when I see Krista, she’s as cold as ice. For about a month afterward, she wouldn’t even smile when she passed me in the hall. All I got was either a hurt and angry stare, or she acted like she didn’t care at all. This practically killed me inside. Doc, this isn’t what I wanted! I know I was stupid, I know I wasn’t thinking, but I only wanted Krista to back off a little -- I didn’t want her to turn into the queen of ice! I know I hurt her feelings, but I know she still feels some kind of attraction to me because I’ve caught her looking at me from a distance.

what should I say? We do say “good morning” to each other now, and sometimes she’ll smile. I’d like to say more, but I have no idea what to say. Every time I work up the nerve to even stand in the same room with her, there’s just this awkward, uncomfortable tension. I don’t want to look like an idiot by acting interested when I said I wasn’t. I mean, wouldn’t that make me look weak? On the other hand, don’t I have the right to change my mind? How would a guy using "The System" turn this guarded lady back into the friendly admirer she once was? Can it be done? Deron - who’s afraid he blew it for good

doc love’s answer Hi Deron, If your wife divorced you over a year ago, and you’re familiar with my articles, why haven’t you memorized the Dating Dictionary? Why the time lag? I got it -- you must be looking to get dumped again before you finally wise up. Can Deron make her interested again?

don’t believe what you hear So, you heard about Krista’s interest in you through the grapevine. How do you know that the people in the grapevine don’t hate your guts? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “These people in the grapevine are all sweet and nice and everything, but don’t forget that one of them wants to knife you!”

You should never go through third parties. You’re supposed to be like James Bond. Shut your mouth. And like Sean Connery says, “Keep ’em at arm’s length!” Nobody in the office should know a thing about your personal life.

you’re always off guard But let’s move on to your bigger problem. When all the signs of interest were there from Krista, why didn’t you just say to her, “BY THE WAY, WHAT’S YOUR HOME PHONE NUMBER?” This girl didn’t catch you off guard, Deron. You’re ALWAYS off guard. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When this babe’s within 10 feet of you, you’re mush!” Dude, when this girl comes into your office trying to find out when you’re going to invite her to Starbucks for coffee, ask for the home phone number BEFORE you freeze up. To you Psych majors, striking first always gives you the power in the situation.

of course you screwed up! I know "The System" is incredibly complex and it’s hard to remember to ask for the home phone number, but that’s what you have to do. Don’t tell her you’re not interested, man. Do you realize that when she said “OK” and walked away that you just rejected a B-plus? And you said you learned a lot from reading my articles? You just told a hottie to take a hike! Are you sure you read the right articles? You think you made a huge mistake? You’re being polite! And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What you should have also realized, since you’re working with this girl, is that you’re going to have to see her every day when it goes bad.” You didn’t really want Krista to back off a little. Dude, she was talking to you. She was complimenting you. She was doing everything right, but you couldn’t mumble the words “What’s your home phone number?” Because that’s too complicated, much too hard to do. But you could find the right words to tell her to get lost, right? You could come up with negatives and put-downs, couldn’t you? And you hurt her feelings when you could have just said “What’s your home phone number?” You might not have wanted to turn Krista into an ice queen, but what did you expect? She was giving you all kinds of Interest Level, but what you did in response wasn’t a Challenge -it was stupidity. You told her to get lost. Now you’re calling her a “guarded lady.” What you mean is REJECTED LADY.

here’s what you do…

If you’re really, really lucky, and this girl somehow misinterpreted your slap in the face as Challenge, then you still have to walk up to her and say “Listen, what’s your home phone number?” We know you don’t know what to say, Deron. So here’s a line you can try: “What’s your home phone number?” There should be awkward tension between the two of you now because you don’t know where you stand. Krista liked you once upon a time, but now you don’t know if there’s any hope left or you’re just making yourself look more stupid.

is she still interested? Forget about appearing weak, Deron. What you have to worry about is whether this girl still has at least 51% Interest Level and whether you can bring it back up. Guy, it never makes you look weak to ask for the home number. But you’re concerned about changing your mind. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What are you? Fickle?” I don’t know if you can get this one back, Deron, especially the way you’re operating. Vegas would say the odds are 20 to 1. Good luck. Remember, guys: When your mind goes blank and your hands sweat, just force out those five magic words: “What’s your home phone number?”

She Moved In Hey Doc, A friend turned me onto your website. I purchased "The System" afterward and wanted to thank you for your insights. Here’s my issue: I started dating Lana a few months ago. After we’d been dating for six weeks, things got a little weird between us and I could feel her starting to distance herself. I followed your advice and played it cool. I showed her less attention. Things got better, but then worse again. It came to a point where I called her on it and told her I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and either they changed or I was going to call it off.

i tried to cut her off We stopped talking for a week. I didn’t respond to her e-mails and phone calls. After that week of non-contact we went out for a friendly dinner, and then another friendly “date” and we started seeing each other again. Things went great. Then, three weeks ago, Lana told me that her lease was up and that she was stressed about trying to find a place to live. At the same

time, my roommate was in the process of leaving the city for a new job. I told Lana that she could move into my place until she found a place of her own.

she's moved in and distant Lana is not the smothering type, quite the opposite. Since she’s moved in, she’s been busy unpacking her stuff and spending time with her dog (she brought him along) or she’s tired and we don’t hang out as much as we did when we didn’t live together. On top of it all, she has her own bedroom and has been sleeping there because she “sleeps better” in her own bed. I’ve been trying to follow your advice and not show that it bothers me, but it does. It’s difficult to be a Challenge when Lana knows exactly what I’m doing all the time. How can I get this girl to chase/want me like she used to? Thanks, Doc, for any coaching you can give me. Erik - who thinks he made a boo-boo

doc love's answer Hi Erik, Remember in "The System" that I tell you that you have to get 10 dates in with a girl, which is usually two to three months of dating, before you really get an idea of what’s going on? Apparently you never got that far in the book. I don’t know exactly when you got my materials in relation to going out with this girl, but your problem is that Lana’s Interest Level is in free fall. And what the man always does is overrate the girl’s Interest Level. Let’s say that her Interest Level was 90% at one time, and now it’s dropped to what you now think is 70%. In reality, that means there’s a good chance it’s really only 45%. In other words, pal, you’re in trouble. Did things get worse again with Lana because you went back to your old behavior after things had temporarily improved? That’s what happens to most guys. You’re like someone who’s on a diet. The vast majority of dieters who succeed in losing weight go back to their original weight. And the reason why is that they never realize that the principles that got them thin will keep them thin. As soon as they get thin, they go back to their old gluttonous habits and gain back all 100 pounds. Where else did Erik go wrong and can he save the relationship? Then you told Lana that you were unhappy and unless she changed, you were going to end it. Now I know that you didn’t study "The System," buddy. You think you can sit down with a girl whose Interest Level is only 45%, give her a talking-to and she’s going to jump up and say, “OK, I’ll move my Interest Level back up to 90%! No problem!” No way.

begging won't get you anywhere To make matters worse, Erik, you’re begging. Notice that when a girl’s Interest Level is in the 90s, you don’t have to sit down and talk to her? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you have to sit down and talk to her, it’s time to disappear.” You only disappeared for a couple of hours. You lasted a whole seven days without talking to Lana? You’re really a tough dude, Erik! The problem is that you should have done it for two months, until this girl was banging on your door and crying to see you. But you caved in way too fast and started going out on friendly dates. When I hear the word “friendly,” I cringe and immediately think “unromantic.” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you’re talking about your girlfriend, ‘friendly’ is a horrible word.”

she's homeless... so what? Being stressed about not having a place to live is not your problem, man. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not her psychiatrist.” You should have told Lana, “Honey, here are the classifieds. I’m sure you’ll find a nice place.” And that’s the end of it. Then you change the subject. Lana’s not having a place to live has no connection with you and her flagging Interest Level. You’re trying to imply that it does. So you told her to move in with you... Now I know you didn’t even open my book. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is the good book gathering dust, my son?” Let me tell you something, guy: When you’re having problems with a woman, the LAST thing you want to do is come on strong to her. But it’s too late, because now Lana is under your roof. And you’re trying to make her your lover, where in reality she only wants to be your roommate. That’s all you are -- a roommate. And she was wrong for taking advantage of you. It means you’re both dumb.

dog eat dog world Lana brought a mutt into your house? Your Interest Level is way up in the 90s because you let her get away with that in spite of the fact that you’re a clean freak. If you read my book, you’d know that you’re not supposed to let it get that high. Since Lana moved in, she doesn’t like to hang with you anymore. What did I tell you at the beginning? Her Interest Level is swirling in the toilet. You moved her into your house in hopes of bringing it back up. And your Interest Level is so high that you don’t even see it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She has more interest in her dog than she has in you.”

Of course Lana sleeps in her own bed. Why would she want to sleep with a guy she only has 45% Interest Level in? You’re just a pal to this girl -- and a dog-walker. By the way, be sure to carry a plastic bag to pick up all the stuff the dog leaves behind on the sidewalk. The biggest problem you’ve got is that you can’t use my advice on a girl whose Interest Level is short of the 50-yard line. To you Psych majors, Challenge doesn’t work on a girl who doesn’t like you. She has to like you; otherwise you’re nothing more than a roommate -- and a dog-walker. It’s impossible to even be a Challenge when a girl doesn’t dig you to begin with. Remember, guys: When you’re having problems with her, don’t move her in.

She's Older Hey Doc, I’m 22 and I’m dating a 38-year-old woman. Janine and I met in a bar, talked for a long time and ended up getting very romantic very quickly. Every time we see each other the same thing happens -- we talk about everything, her hopes and her fears, the future, what we want in life, we laugh a hell of a lot, then it’s followed by romance and we spend the next day together and so on. It’s really been great, since our personalities complement each other really well.

age is an issue... for her The problem is that Janine is worried about our age difference. It might sound arrogant, but I know I’m an attractive guy; she’s said several times that she can’t understand why I’m with her, and that she’s worried I’m going to meet someone closer to my age and leave her. I get the feeling sometimes that she’s setting me up for rejection, that one day she’ll just decide that it’s not going to work between us and she’ll cut me loose. Doc, I really like this woman. We have so much fun together and I’ve given her no reason to think I’m going to dump her. I don’t ogle other women, I’m attentive to her needs and I’ve tried to reassure her that it’s only her I’m interested in and no one else. But she just doesn’t believe me! I know she was treated badly by a guy a few years ago and that trust is an issue for her.

is there a future? I really don’t like seeing Janine worrying over this. Everything in our relationship is fine apart from this one issue of age, and I think that if we could overcome it we could have a future together.

Can you give me any coaching? What’s your opinion of the chances for a man and woman with a significant age difference making it for the long run? Thanks. Rowley - who thinks he’s found the one

doc love's answer Hi Rowley, If everything’s going so great with you and Janine, what’s the problem, pal? Sounds like you two are having a great time. Forget about the 16-year age difference. Though, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Actually, it’s more like 26 years, because women truly understand men.” But like a dog with a juicy bone, it looks like Janine’s not going to let go of the issue so fast. She’s carrying around all these fears and worries about your age difference. The problem is that she might be telling you the truth, but then again she might not. You have to be slick here to figure out what’s really going on. Like I’ve always told you guys, you have to be like a detective on "Love and Order" to get to the bottom of things.

the mother/son complex So let’s look at this situation a little more closely. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The lady’s probably just uncomfortable with everyone on the street staring her down because she’s hanging all over a guy who looks like her son.” But I say that if you two are enjoying each other and you’re respectful to each other, stick it out. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “There are worse things in life than dating a woman who looks like yo’ mama.” That said, it certainly is possible that Janine is setting you up to be dumped. Here’s the key question: If the two of you were stranded on a desert island, would she be thinking that you’re going to break up? Can Janine get over the big number gap, and what can Rowley do to help? You shouldn’t be telling Janine that you’re only interested in her and no one else because it doesn’t help the situation. The problem is that Janine is uncomfortable, and crowing about your high Interest Level is not going to relieve her discomfort. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, down deep she wants a 40-year-old.” But since you get along so well and have so much fun together, she’s toughing it out with you -- for the time being, at least. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll stick around until she finds a guy her own age.”

don't let her bring up the break up In fact, the age difference is an issue, whether or not it should be. Talking about how you’re going to break up is a big negative, and Janine brings it up way too much. But I say that you should enjoy the ride and forget about rejection. Janine doesn’t really believe for a minute that you’re going to dump her, my friend. But she can’t get the subject of age out of her head. Eventually this is going to be a deal breaker. But don’t let it get you down. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from east L.A. says, “Maybe she’ll set you up with her 21-year-old daughter.” Regarding the other guy and Janine’s issues with trust, you should come right out and ask her, “Have I ever done anything untrustworthy?” If you haven’t, then relax. The next time she starts fretting over how old and beat she is and how young and goodlooking you are, break the date and leave. Here’s what you tell her, “I’ll be back when you’re not going to worry about this age stuff in front of me.” Then see what she does.

an elephant in the corner Of course everything is fine in your relationship, dude. Except that AGE is an issue -- a massive issue. But it’s not really all about age. There’s something going on between this woman’s ears that has nothing to do with age. You don’t have anything to overcome regarding age because it’s not an issue for you. But Janine has to want a future with you for it to be irrelevant. If she doesn’t want a future with you, you’re going to continue to have an age problem. Because you have to have a reason to break up other than low Interest Level. The Reality Factor says that it really is low Interest Level at work here, and she’s just using the age issue as camouflage to hide the real reason from you.

don't pay for her hang ups The odds of your making it with Janine are 100% if her Interest Level is high. But she’s beating you over the head with this huge red flag called AGE. It doesn’t really matter what the issue is -- in the long run she wants a way out of this relationship. Remember, guys: If she’s hung up on something, you’re the one who’s going to pay for it.

Getting Rid Of Her Ex

Hey Doc, About a year ago I started dating Gabriela and we had a great relationship. Things between us were pretty perfect, until she broke up with me after six months because she said she thought my new job would be too hard on the relationship. I didn’t really believe this excuse because I felt that if she really cared about me we’d be able to work around the tough scheduling, but she insisted that this was the sole reason for the break up.

the ex is back Well, I came to find out a few weeks later that she was back with an ex-boyfriend from four years ago who just moved back to the area. As devastated as I was, I still cared about Gabriela and after about a month of no communication we started hanging out again. Of course, I had a lot of issues about what happened between us, but she denied leaving me for this other guy and claimed she only started having feelings for him again after we broke up. So the situation at hand is that Gabriela tells me she’s reconsidering what she thought she had with this guy, and that she still has feelings for me but isn’t ready to leave him yet since he was the one she was planning on marrying. She’s basically telling me that she wants me to be her backup guy if things don’t work out with this other guy. She gets really ticked off at me if I hook up with other girls or even thinks that I’m trying.

can i make her choose me? Doc, how can I get Gabriela to finally cut this other dude loose and get back together with me? I’m running out of ideas and patience, but I really do love this girl and I'm not ready to give up just yet. Any tips you can give me would help. By the way, I faithfully read your articles. Axel - who can’t figure out how to beat him

doc love's answer Hi Axel, Let’s start with this question: Does a woman with an Interest Level way up in the 90s really care what job you have and how hard you work? When you’re tied to a job, at least she’s pretty sure you’re seeing only her and that you love her. The sad part here is not that Gabriela gave you some of the best Womanese I’ve ever heard in my life, but that you actually thought she was telling you the truth. Not only that, but like the great Doctor Freud said, “When she handed you all her malarkey you thought it had something to do with reality.” That’s why I know you haven’t memorized "The System."

Doc Love sets Axel and his hope for a relationship with Gabriela straight... So, Gabriela’s back with her old boyfriend. The question is, why? She’s probably just convalescing with this guy until she’s ready to make her next move. She went back to her old boyfriend because she was bored with you and because he’s back in town and they used to have a good time. After all, she needs a stepping-stone to the next guy. But it’s not going to last between them because you can’t go back. You went from no communication whatsoever with Gabriela to hanging out with her? That was quite a leap you made, pal. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In other words, you called her up and begged her to go out and have donuts and coffee.”

she tricked you with womanese Gabriela only picked up with this guy after you broke up, did she? Let me tell you, I haven’t heard Womanese this great since Angelina Jolie swore that she wasn’t interested in Jennifer Aniston’s husband until after they were separated. Wow, Axel. This girl is one of the best. It’s like you’re starving, and you’re in a river up to your waist and you’re trying to catch an 18inch rainbow trout. Every time you get hold of it, it wiggles and jumps out of your hands, and then you grab it again and go through the whole thing over and over again -- until finally, you lose it. That’s what this girl’s doing to you right now. Now she’s “reconsidering” everything she had with this guy. You know what I like about this girl? She’s got all her bases covered, baby. Everybody’s happy with her explanations. In other words -- to you Psych majors -- she’s going to keep dating two turkeys and misleading both of them until turkey number three comes along. Why? Because the Bottom Line Factor says these guys are both has-beens. Sorry to say, Axel, you’re one of them. Sure, she wants you to be her backup guy. And since you’re a stooge, you agreed to this arrangement, right?

make her jealous But you’re missing the key to the mystery here, Axel, and it’s sitting right under your nose! The mere thought of other women gets to this girl. How the heck did you miss it? Are you sure you’re reading my articles and not watching Oprah instead? Here’s what you do: Call Gabby and ask her for dating advice. Tell her about these two models you just met. The problem is that they’re constantly fighting over you. And you dig both of them, but their legs are too long and you don’t know what to do about the situation. So can she help you out? The only way you can snare Gabriela once and for all is to be seen with lots of Beautiful Women hanging all over you. Good luck.

stop hoping

When you say you don’t want to give up on this girl, you imply there’s a chance, that there’s still hope for you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off those 40-oz jugs of beer!” You might “faithfully” read my articles, but you need to forget about that word and concentrate on the word MEMORIZE -- as in MEMORIZE "The System." You’ve made too many mistakes, dude. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East LA says, “This girl’s been working you like Picasso worked the canvas.” Remember, guys: When it’s over, don’t entertain false hope.

Her Dating Past Hey Doc, I am new to your website and just recently ordered and received "The System." My situation is this: I’ve just been dumped after a year-and-a-half-long relationship with someone I work with. Even though I didn’t know about your techniques two years ago when Sophia and I became friends, I played it cool and apparently was a total Challenge, even though Sophia is stunning to look at, because within three months she’d dumped the guy she was with and became my girlfriend with very little effort on my part.

ad busted I was suspicious, however, as I’d pried enough information out of Sophia to know that she’d left every relationship she was ever in for a new guy. I even joked with her about not wanting to be the next chump, and actually held my Interest Level at about 75% for the first six to eight months. However, I had an online dating ad that I’d used previously, but not while we were together. Sophia saw it on my computer browser and went ballistic. I apologized to her (I know -groveling, very bad!) and in that moment the Interest Levels in our relationship completely switched. Mine shot up to 95% and hers dropped to 70% or lower. The long slide to below 40% took a year for Sophia, and of course my Interest Level increased to compensate (which I now know had exactly the opposite effect on her).

who's to blame? So here’s my question: Was I wrong for not listening to my intuition about this woman? It seems she leaves every guy for a new chump the same way. Does the way a woman leaves a relationship have anything to do with the way she’s going to act in the future? Should a guy be concerned about getting involved with her in the first place?

I’m a rookie, but I’m ready to do it differently next time. Roberto - who’s trying to learn from his mistakes

doc love's answer Hi Roberto, You say Sophia dumped you. In other words, you wasted your time for a year and a half, got dropped and still have no idea how to change your behavior. Luckily, you ordered "The System" and you’re going to memorize it. Then you’ll be able to straighten yourself out. Did you ever hear of dating, Roberto? What happened to that stage of the process? Sounds to me like you skipped that step, and that’s a problem. You should have dated this girl before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, there was a swiftness in this operation that was very dangerous.” You should have gone about this whole thing slowly, waited until after Sophia dumped the other guy and then called her, asked her to Starbucks, waited a week, given her another call, etc. -- the way it’s supposed to be done.

don't use brute force But you just bullied your way straight into the relationship stage like 90% of the guys confronted with a girl who could pass for Jessica Alba. You bought into this girl way too fast. Part of the reason for going in with cautious deliberation is to make sure the girl’s not just doing a rebound -- or as they say in Australia, a boomerang. Roberto's still new to the game, but he should have known better... Sophia should leave every relationship for a new guy -- that’s what Beautiful Women do. When this girl looks in the mirror she says to herself, “Wow -- I should be on the cover of Cosmo!” And she’s right. Let’s face it, nobody gets rid of a Beautiful Woman. They get rid of guys. Kidding about Sophia dumping you is a very heavy subject. I hope you had the utmost confidence in yourself when you were doing it, because you were treading on very thin ice there, pal. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You have to be careful not to plant the wrong idea in her head.”

always make a fresh start

When she spotted that old dating ad on your computer, it showed that you’re sloppy. As soon as Sophia said, “I want to be your girlfriend,” you should have gone through everything you owned and anything from any other girl and gotten rid of it -- starting with the stuff on your computer. There’s too much stuff on the computer as it is. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Unless you want your mom and the Pope and the CIA seeing it, erase your history.” You didn’t grovel when Sophia went nuts on you. You should have apologized to her because you were wrong to flaunt your dating habits in front of her. You weren’t wrong for having the ad in the first place, but you were wrong for not getting rid of it. That’s what you should have told her, and that’s not groveling. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “When you’re wrong, stand up like a man and take your medicine.”

free-falling interest levels But let’s go a step further. When this girl went ballistic it wasn’t because of what was on your computer. That was just an excuse. She was attacking you because of her low Interest Level. Her Interest Level was already falling, buddy. Of course she wasn’t going to tell you that. But that was the number one reason for her tirade. The number two reason is that your profile’s still on a dating site when you’re supposed to be her exclusive boyfriend. So she was camouflaging her true intentions. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, you got a lot of work to do!” You think Sophia’s Interest Level only dropped to 70%? Don’t you mean 35%? You should have gotten out of there before her long slide began, dude. There’s an old saying in sales, “When you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get the same results.” Instead of letting your Interest Level run wild, you should have not reacted to what she did and practiced a little Self-Control.

you'll be dumped again Forget about your intuition. Sophia is a Beautiful Woman, and like I said before, guys are at a disadvantage when it comes to Beautiful Women. Who’s going to dump her? All women drop guys the same way. You’re trying to read more into rejection than what is really there. Like the Reality Factor says, “Somebody’s going to dump somebody, and since she looks like Kate Beckinsale’s twin sister, she’s never the one who’s going to get dumped.” This girl isn’t going to change her behavior. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s going to act the same way until she finds somebody who doesn’t make her into his mama and doesn’t bore her to death.” And of course you’re going to get involved with her, but like my cousin General Love says, “Before you do, you have to prepare for war,” and that means memorizing "The System." Until then, you’re wasting your time. You’re going to get slaughtered because you don’t know what you’re doing. So I certainly hope you’re going to do it differently next time!

Remember, guys: When you get into the Ring of Love with a Beautiful Woman, you better know how to box.

Revealing Your Feelings Hey Doc, I’ve read some of your articles and I believe you can help me. A few months ago I met Debbi, who shares many common interests with me. I like everything about her, such as her personality and looks. But I think I’ve already messed up. Hopefully you can help me to bounce back. Debbi and I met in a bar and she was initially interested in my friend. Somehow we ended up talking, and I got her phone number. Later in the week I invited her over to a friend’s party. She showed up a little tipsy, but not completely drunk. She practically threw herself at me, but nothing happened between us. She ignored me for about a week, then out of the blue all she did for two weeks was call me every day wanting to talk for hours. That’s when I decided that I could really see a future with her. Then I did it: I told her I had feelings for her.

what did i do wrong? I called Debbi the next day but she was at work, couldn’t talk, and didn’t phone me for five days. What did I do wrong? I thought she felt the same about me as I did about her. I felt so stupid for opening up to her. Finally, she called me and told me that she’d been busy and in a depressed mood. We got together at my place, kissed and that was all. She later revealed that when I told her my feelings for her it was a shock and she didn’t know how to respond. Doc, I feel that telling Debbi my feelings set me back a few steps because she’s still acting standoffish. At this point what can I do to finally reel her in? Or is it a lost cause? Lukie - who’s trying to back-peddle

doc love’s answer Hi Lukie, I think it’s very sweet that Debbi shares all these common interests with you. But I’ve got news for you: There are lots of great relationships where the people involved have absolutely no interests in common. And the reason is because the woman has extremely high Interest Level.

I know you like everything about Debbi; otherwise you wouldn’t be talking about her, right? But instead of that, you should be telling me about all of her buying signals. What have I told you guys again and again? YOUR INTEREST LEVEL DOESN’T MATTER. ONLY HERS MATTERS. Doc tells Lukie exactly what to do…

what about your friend? As a matter of fact, Debbi was interested in your friend first. So how did this thing do a flipflop? Why did she forget about your buddy? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What happened, Dawg? Was he even drunker than she was?” Or did he reject her, then she had two more shots, you were sitting there and she decided that you looked good too? But you were so desperate that you didn’t care that she was chasing your friends. You invited this babe to another friend’s party. So now you’re doing a group date. That’s another cardinal rule you broke -- NO GROUP DATES. But the good thing is that Debbi wasn’t completely bombed when she showed up. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “No big deal. She just started with a few Rolling Rocks at noon.” Of course nothing happened when she threw herself at you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “A gentleman would never take advantage of someone who could be the president of AA.”

so she finally called… After vanishing for a few days -- probably with one of your good friends -- finally Debbi broke down and called you every day wanting to gab for hours. To you Psych majors, inconsistent behavior means one of two things: you’ve got a woman with low Interest Level or a LOON on your hands. Nevertheless, you see a future with Debbi. Dude, you can’t get to the first date with this girl and you’re already marrying her? Hel-lo?

she doesn’t care, buddy The truth of the matter is that it didn’t hurt at all that you told Debbi you had feelings for her. Because her Interest Level had already dropped to 35% and then it plummeted to 5% after you shot your mouth off. Remember: You should never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to go out on the first date. Debbi was at work and couldn’t call you? You’re trying to soften the reality of the situation here, Lukie. She could have called you at lunch. She does get a lunch break, doesn’t she? Or, because she misses you so much, she could have told her boss, “I’ve got an emergency! Can I

take five minutes off and run outside to the parking lot to talk on my cell phone?” Hey, she’s really into you, Lukie!

here’s where you went wrong… What did you do wrong with this girl? You never got to first base, man. Worse, you didn’t even hit the ball! You thought Debbi felt the same way about you? How can you tell -- by her actions? Or because all she can pull is a disappearing act? Don’t worry about feeling stupid for opening up to Debbi. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The good part is she won’t remember a thing about it because the next day she’ll have a hangover.” Now she’s depressed. So she’s an alcoholic and she’s popping pills for depression. Booze and pills -- there’s a great combo for a successful long-term romantic relationship!

why was she shocked? Of course it was a shock when you revealed your feelings to Debbi, for one simple reason: hers weren’t the same as yours. That’s the NUMBER ONE FACT in the Dating Dictionary, Lukie. You better memorize it. Even if her Interest Level was 95% and yours was 85%, it still wouldn’t have worked out, but at least it wouldn’t have been as bad. You think your big mouth set you back a few steps? Pal, you mean it set you back 100,000 miles! Sure, she’s standoffish. Her behavior is bound to waffle because her Interest Level is south of 50%. Lukie, why would you want to reel this girl in? Why would you want a woman who has so many issues in your life? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Are you being rational?” Here’s the best thing you can do: Buy a bar. Remember, guys: Candy’s dandy, but Jack Daniels is quicker.

She's Cheating Hey Doc, Rachel and I have been married for four years and together for a total of eight years. Things seem to be getting worse and worse for us. I am at the breaking point and I don’t know what to do. I know what my friends think I should do, but they’re my friends and they will go along

with whatever they think I want. But I need an outsider’s opinion, which is why I’m coming to you.

an affair to remember While I could write a novel about my past with Rachel, here are the latest highlights: Two years ago, I found out that my wife had an affair with someone who was supposed to be a friend. The three of us were at a Halloween party at the time and I had two-six packs in me. I completely lost it, damage was done, cops were called, and the rest is history. I guess I never really got over the fact that she cheated. While Rachel and I are still together, I can’t help but ask myself why. We are in financial distress, and she makes me feel like it’s all my fault. While I am trying to build a business on the weekends, she drives halfway across town to go to the pool with her “friends.” She stays there all day long and I can never get in touch with her. Also, she is very protective of her cell phone. She once tackled me to prevent me from looking into it. She receives text messages constantly and laughs them off as stuff from her friends or sister. Every now and then she says that some guy from the bar (a former bartender) calls, but that she always ignores him and doesn’t understand why he doesn’t get the hint. I find it all too hard to believe. Doc, I find myself daydreaming of something better, and when I do, Rachel is never part of it. Should I suck it up and get over her affair, or should I cut my losses and move on before it’s too late to better myself? Thanks. Carlo - who needs a nudge from an expert

doc love's answer Hi Carlo, You don’t have to convince me that things are getting worse for you -- there’s no doubt in my mind whatsoever that you’re at the breaking point, as you say. By the way, I just read the latest statistics, which say that the most common point of divorce for first marriages is eight years -- what a coincidence! Now let me get this straight: You’re talking to your friends -- who are also her friends -- about this whole mess you’re embroiled in? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, I sure hope you never get a job in an intelligence capacity for the United States Government, because you wouldn’t last a day!” Carlo, your friends should know nothing about your personal life. Want my opinion? You talk way, way too much. These latest “highlights” of your life with Rachel sound more like lowlights to me. When she

had that affair with your good friend, right there it was over, dude. When she commits adultery with some guy, she's out forever. And Carlo, there’s no 99.9% qualifier on this one. This is an absolute 100% slam dunk -- as in, she's out! As far as what happened at that infamous Halloween party, I have to say that you’re the first guy I’ve ever met who’s the exact opposite of Cary Grant. Doc Love asks Carlo some hard-hitting questions... So, I’m shocked that you and Rachel are still together. Let me ask you a couple of questions, man: When she goes off to the liquor store and returns four hours later, does it bother you? When she walks in late at night and her blouse is wrinkled and a button is missing and she can’t tell you where she was, do you lose sleep over it?

a reality check You insist that you’re in financial distress. But what about the emotional wringer this babe is putting you through? Carlo, you’re with a woman who can’t stand the sight of you! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I could understand it if you were fixed like Bill Gates, but you’re broke, dog.” You know why you can’t reach Rachel at the pool? Because she’s frolicking in the water with another guy, that’s why. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she’s fooling around with a new man she’s actually interested in, why would she want to talk to somebody from the past she could care less about?” Of course Rachel’s protective of her cell phone. She wants to control the flow of intelligence at all times. After she cheated on you with your friend, do you not find it hard to believe that all of her calls and text-messaging are nothing but innocent little chitchat? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, what’s not hard to believe is that this woman broke the marriage contract.” I’m glad that when you daydream of your future Rachel is never part of it. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “This is good. It shows that at least some of the pain has sunk in.”

get over it I think you should suck it up and get over it. And I’m not talking about the affair -- I’m talking about Rachel, Carlo. And there can’t be any or involved. It has to be, and you should cut your losses. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Get out of there, man, and get out of there fast. She’s already carved out your heart. What are you waiting for?” To you Psych majors, you have to study a girl’s character and past. And unless you do that before getting all entwined with her, you’re not going to make it over the long haul.

You picked the wrong one here, Carlo. This woman has no integrity. Remember, guys: If they kiss another man, you’re out of there.

She's On The Rebound

Hey Doc, Never before have I written one of these “help” letters. I feel silly, but sometimes an outside opinion is best. Tracee had just gotten out of a failing relationship and the day after she broke up with the guy, we went out on a date. Things went well, but I cautioned that if she needed to take time to get over the breakup, to please take it -- she declined all three times I asked. We did a lot together and she called to talk to me all the time. All advances were made by her, other than the fact that I planned a whole day for her birthday. About six weeks into it, she asked me to be her boyfriend. I was hesitant, but felt that if she asked, she must really want to be with me. I agreed. A few days later she told me that she was confused, hasn’t had time to herself, and wanted to meet new people (she’s 20 and I’m 22), but she didn’t want to hurt me and felt it was best if we just played the dating scene for a while.

you're a great guy, but... I told her that I don’t share my girls, and then broke it off, giving her an option to come back when she was ready. When we talked a couple days later, she told me that I should try and see things from her point of view: She just got out of a relationship in which she was treated like crap and then she met me and I’m wonderful, but she’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. She has a boatload of work, she worries about running her parents’ hair salon, and she still has to deal with a psycho ex. I told her I was sorry she has so much going on and that I would rather be someone she could rely on in her life than a problem, but I needed to know if our relationship was going somewhere because I don’t want to be waiting forever. She replied: “I really want it to go somewhere, but you have to believe me and have a little faith that I am not out slutting it up. I like you a lot.” Doc, is she worth my time? Maybe you can help me understand. Wilton - whose head is spinning

doc love’s answer Hi Wilton, This isn’t a “help” letter. It’s a coaching letter. If you need help, go and see someone who has a sheepskin hanging on his wall. But if you want to find out what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong with the ladies, allow me to be your Love Coach. Now, why in the world are you getting serious with this girl so fast? You’re not here to be her counselor. You’re not here to change the way she lives. You are here to be the clown. You are here to play the court jester. In other words, you’re here to boost her Interest Level in you -- and that’s all.

tracee’s thick skull Let me make sure I got this right: You asked this girl to get rid of you three times in a row? You might have said it once in jest, but the truth is that you never should have said it at all. But you said it three times. You were beating Tracee over the head with it. Maybe she’s as thick as you are and thought you were trying to be a Challenge. Will Doc Love break through Wilton’s thick head?

rebounds are only good in basketball Whatever happened, at that point she was all over you like a cheap suit. You weren’t returning all her calls… were you? You were letting her talk to your answering machine, right? I hope so, because you shouldn’t have been talking to this girl. She just came off a relationship, pal, and you have to make sure that she’s not on the rebound. When you say she made all the advances in your relationship, please define your terms. Are you saying that she called you once or twice a day every single day? Or are you saying that she asked you out every single day and you went out with her each time (which you shouldn’t have been doing)? You should have paced yourself with this girl, Wilton. You have to spoonfeed yourself because her emotions are bouncing around like a pinball.

devil’s delight You say you were hesitant about getting in deep. Ah-ha! Know why you were uncertain? Because there was this little angel up on your right shoulder saying: “Be strong. Be strong. Tell her no!” And over on your left shoulder was a little devil dressed in a black suit whispering: “Don’t listen to Doctor Love. She’s coming at you! Take it! Take it! Take it!” But like my cousin Rabbi Love puts it, “Here’s the problem, my son: you didn’t have enough

time in with this girl to be her boyfriend.” And also remember that she’s on the rebound. You don’t share your girls, Wilton? Number one, this girl isn’t property; and number two, she doesn’t want to be your property. Tracee broke it off before you broke it off, in case you missed that important fact. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were breaking off thin air, paisan.” And you gave her the option to come back when she was ready -- very big of you, Wilton. To you Psych majors, when the girl leaves you before you leave her, she’s never going to be ready to come back.

tracee is fluent in womanese But she told you that you were wonderful… so wonderful that she has low Interest Level. Doesn’t that seem like a contradiction in terms? I have to tell you, Wilt, this lady speaks beautiful Womanese. I’ve got news for you, my friend: Tracee’s not dealing with one psycho ex -- she’s dealing with two psycho exes. Like my cousin General Love says, “You just joined the squad, soldier.” Now you’re only a problem in Tracee’s life because you’re stalking her. The reality is that you were actually out a long, long time ago. That said, she told you that she likes you a lot. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She likes you so much that she wants to spend time with other men.” And, as the great Doctor Freud put it, “You know, that’s really logical!”

wasted wishes Is Tracee worth your time? Buddy, right now you’re wasting your time. And I can tell you this for sure -- you’ve got a lot of work to do in order to memorize my materials. Remember, guys: when she says she’s confused, it really means you’re out.

Dating After Divorce Hey Doc, I’ve read some of your articles online and thought I might try you for some help. After 20 years and a couple of kids, my wife decided that she wanted a divorce. Since I had no choice in the matter, I started online dating -- one nutcase so far and no one else of any note -- and then I met Viveca. She’s a very attractive, highly-educated professional. I’m really quite taken with her and we’ve gone out a few times now.

Two weeks ago Viveca had the idea of doing a picnic in a local park. I picked her up at her place; she had packed a blanket, plates, wine and on the way we bought some bread, cheese and grapes. Once we were there, we found a place to sit and talk for hours. We have a lot in common. We’re both in our 40s, we’re less-is-more types, we like walking around the city just taking in the sights, and we share an interest in spirituality.

pace the passion I need to figure out how fast, or slow, to go with this woman. Viveca didn’t invite me into her place when I dropped her off -- it’s a starter home and I think she’s shy about showing it to me. Also, she was surprised when she learned that it will be a few months before I’m officially divorced and that my wife’s still living part of the time under the same roof as me. Viveca seems affectionate, but so far, just hugs. Since I’m alone next weekend with no kids, I’ll ask her if she wants to come over to my place and cook with me, since we both like to cook, and maybe watch a DVD afterward. But here I am, worrying about what time to call her, whether or not I’m overwhelming her with invitations, etc. How fast should I move? What I don’t quite understand in your articles is how I can be proactive -- like going for the kiss -- while I’m trying to be a Challenge. What’s your advice? Thanks! Heinrich - who’s just getting his feet wet

doc love’s answer Hi Heinrich, Hold it right here, pal. Before you start online dating or dating anywhere else, you have to figure out -- assuming your wife loved you at one time, before her Interest Level headed for Argentina -- how she fell out of love with you. Because like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The mistakes you made while you were married are going to follow you straight into your dating life.”

web women Now let me tell you about the internet: The internet is made up of people on the planet earth, and there are all types of people on it. What you have to learn is that you’re going to meet all kinds -- whack-jobs, sane girls, clinically insane girls, and everyone in between -- and you can’t take any of it personally. Just as it would take time if you were looking for women without a computer, it’s going to take time to find a good one if you’re searching online. As

we say in sales, “It’s a numbers game, baby.” When you’re going through a divorce and dating, you've gotta be up front… Viveca dreamed up a wonderful picnic, dude. Just look at the effort that she went through to put this little event together. You’re talking about the third or fourth date here, and what she did indicates that this girl is a Giver. That’s the good part. The bad part is that we still have to get to her Interest Level. And I think all these things you two have in common is likewise great, but, other than the fact that she did a beautiful imitation of Martha Stewart for the picnic, we still don’t have any indication of her female Interest Level. And like I’ve told you guys again and again, HER INTEREST LEVEL IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS.

ready, set… go How fast do you go with Viveca? The great thing about “The System” is that if you follow it step-by-step, you’re always going to pace yourself and you’re going to proceed at the correct speed. But don’t worry. I’ll guide you on how fast or slow to move with this woman. Let’s look at what happened with Viveca’s house: Maybe her place was a mess. Maybe she was painting or having new toilets installed. Whatever -- it wasn’t necessary for her to invite you in. The main thing is that she threw a nice picnic for you. When you say she was shy, I think that you’re grasping for straws for why she didn’t invite you in. It would have been nice, of course, but you can’t interpret it as a negative yet because you’ve only had three dates with the woman.

deliver the ugly details Why did the fact that you’re not divorced yet only come out during the picnic? I don’t like surprises, Heinrich. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, surprises aren’t good except on the battlefield.” When you first met Viveca you should have told her, “By the way, the paperwork is going to be finished in six months.” This information shouldn’t be coming out when you’re trying to build her Interest Level; you should get all the negatives out of the way during your first meeting. Make light of it and then go on to something else. Her behavior seems affectionate to you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Hugs ain’t affectionate, man.” But I have to ask you this: Why didn’t you kiss her on the second date? What were you afraid of? Maybe you’re just looking for a friend and don’t know it.

cozy cuisine Forget the whole cooking date at your place, Heinrich. You’re trying to get cozy with Viveca way too fast and she’s not coming to your house. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Nothing turns her off faster than your kids or wife walking in when you’re baking the

quiche.” Instead, you’re going to take her out to another public place. And by the way, this aggressive behavior is typical of all you guys -- you want to move things along way too fast. This isn’t date No. 11 -- this is the fourth date. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Slow down, pardner!” You’re not overwhelming Viveca with invitations. You’ve only had a couple of dates with her and now you wait a week, call her again and ask her out to do something else. That isn’t exactly smothering the woman.

kiss the girl already So, you’re confused about kissing this girl. Let’s say she tried to kiss you halfway through the date; you’d go ahead and kiss her wouldn’t you? You’d kiss her for three or four seconds and then you’d stop. So that’s what you do now. You kiss her at her front door, but don’t maul her in public. Don’t worry -- you’ll still be a Challenge if you follow my techniques. Remember, guys: When you’ve memorized “The System,” you know how fast you should move.

She's Inconsistent Hey Doc, First of all, I’m an avid follower of “The System.” You have some truly amazing advice in that book, as well as in your articles. All mankind should worship you. Anyway, on to my problem. I recently met a fantastic girl, Ana, at my best friend’s college graduation party. She was the next-door neighbor of my buddy’s parents. Man, she was cute, smart, funny, and pretty much my idea of the perfect girl. I couldn’t possibly let her pass out of my life, so I sat down next to her and we started talking. Within no more than 20 seconds of starting up a conversation, she was giving me every buying signal out there. I was getting a huge smile, hair twirling, playful hitting, and an absolutely amazing flirtatious gaze. I had never been in such a great situation in my life. There were 10 or more better-looking guys than me at that party, and she virtually ignored every one. I had to guess that she had at least a 90% Interest Level in me. It took a lot of Self-Control to not have my feet slip out from under me and turn into a huge pansy, but I kept it cool all-night long. Doc, by the end of the night I had Ana’s number and I had her almost begging me to come home with her. It tore me up to decline that invitation, but I knew that’s what I had to do.

too good to be true After she left that night, my friend’s dad told me that she has had a boyfriend for the last three or four months. He also said that the only reason her boyfriend hadn’t been with her was that he was working a late shift that day. She never once mentioned her boyfriend in our conversation so I was pretty confused, but proud of myself at the same time. Also, her boyfriend doesn’t live with her, so I still planned on calling her in a week to ask her out. Now, here’s where I really need your advice. Two days later I got a call from my buddy asking me for help laying mulch at his parents’ house. Since Ana wasn’t home, I decided to go over and help. When I got there, my buddy’s dad gave me some interesting information. Earlier that day she said she didn’t like me at all, and I guess she was rather cold about it. My friend claims he overheard the entire conversation and backed up his dad’s story.

mixed messages As if all this weren't enough, she came home right before I left. Guess what happened? She yelled my name, came over and started talking to me and treating me exactly like she had a couple nights before. Doc, I don’t know what to do. My gut tells me that she likes me, but is this chick possibly trying to play me or put me on a back burner? Should I just forget about her, wait out her relationship with her boyfriend, or pursue her? Please help me Doc, I need ya. Mehmet - who can’t figure her out

doc love's answer Hi Mehmet, There’s something very important I want to point out to you right here: This girl had 90% Interest Level in you for all of 30 minutes. Think about it, pal. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Heck, boy, you can’t even bake a turkey in 30 minutes!” What have I told you countless times before? Until you get to 10 dates, you can’t count on ANYTHING. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Lots of women come on strong, but down the road you find out there’s nothing there.” Doc Love's advice for when she's inconsistent...

too much time But it’s good that you held yourself together when you met Ana. I taught you SELFCONTROL, and so you realized the importance of not giving away the store. That said, I

think you spent way too much time with this girl. You should have only given her 15 or 20 minutes, gotten her number, then went and talked to everybody else in the place -- especially all the other babes. But it sounds like you stayed with Ana all night long. You put in too much time with her on the first meeting. All this canoodling should have been saved for the first or second date. And to your credit, most other guys would have followed Ana home when she gave them the time of day. But you’re going to keep working, Mehmet. And Ana’s going to continue respecting you because you don’t give in like all the other turkeys who jump when she says jump.

secondhand info But then you listened to your friend’s dad. There’s a problem when you get information from a third party. You really don’t know how much of what he said was true and how much was false. I’m sure your pal’s dad was trying to help you out, which is fine, but what if Ana’s boyfriend is on the way out and you’re the new guy coming in? So you’re going to go ahead and call Ana after a week and pretend like that other guy doesn’t exist. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t let it stop you. I don’t care if she has one boyfriend or 10 boyfriends.” But if this girl really did tell your friend’s father that she disliked you, then she’s nuts. And after his son backed the story up, you have two guys confirming that the story is true. If two people are telling you the same thing, you’ve got problems. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, pardner.”

ding-dong chick There are lots of girls out there who like to get a guy all wound up for one evening and after that, you’re history and they don’t think a thing of it. But the curious thing here is that Ana could have just said, “Mehmet’s an alright guy.” But she didn’t. And she certainly didn’t have to say she dislikes you, which is what she apparently said. How the heck could she dislike you? She could have said that she was merely indifferent to you, but she went from love to hate, which indicates that this girl really is a ding-dong. Then she went and reversed herself and treated you exactly like she did when she first met you. But you’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now, wait a week and call her and see what happens from there. But you have to be wary of these red flags popping up all over the place. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Maybe this girl’s just a psycho with two personalities.”

play the game

To answer your question about what her game is, it’s definitely possible that she’s both trying to play you and keep you on a back burner. But I say pursue her. Let her be the one to bring up the boyfriend. When she does, say, “So, when are you getting rid of him?” And when she answers, “Why would I want to do that?” you come right back with “Because you like me!” Remember, guys: When they’re inconsistent, they’re crazy.

Doc Love: She's Violent Hey Doc, I am a disciple of “The System” and want to thank you for what you’ve done to even up the playing field for us guys. My question is simple: Is it ever OK for a woman to slap a man? Not too long ago my exgirlfriend, Lisabeth, and I got into a really heated argument after a night of drinking, and she slapped me. This wasn’t the first time it happened. She did it twice before (once sober and once drunk) in our two-year relationship. The latest slap caused another huge fight (about, among other things, her baggage, which happens to be father issues), which lowered my Interest Level gradually over time to the point where I became distant and we then broke up. I get varying opinions on this from different people. Is it ALWAYS a no-no for a woman to slap a guy? Are there any exceptions?

daddy's influence Here’s another related question: How important is a girl’s relationship with her father? In Lisabeth’s case, her old man was an alcoholic who wasn’t physically abusive, but more verbally abusive and aloof to his kids. Should a woman who has an abusive father be avoided completely? My ex was passive-aggressive and codependent with me as well. And as you said in your book, when a girl has excess baggage, this wears on a guy and his Interest Level drops. That said, even though she's violent, Lisabeth was hard to give up on because she had a lot of the other good qualities preached in your book. And she was gorgeous, to boot. Do you think I made the right choice, Doc? Thanks so much for answering my questions. Butchie - who feels like he just climbed out of a boxing ring

doc love's answer

Hi Butchie, Making sure that the playing field is even for guys is what “The System” is all about. When it comes to dating and relationships, men are at a distinct disadvantage. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s the equivalent of winning the Golden Gloves, then getting in the ring with Mike Tyson and thinking you actually have a chance.” Is it OK for your girl to lay her hands on you in a violent, non-affectionate way? It’s NEVER, NEVER, NEVER OK for a woman to slap a man under any circumstance. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, you don’t hit animals, and you don’t hit people.”

punch-drunk love Butchie, you shouldn’t have been boozing excessively with Lisabeth. You indulge in a whole “night of drinking.” Sensible, civilized people have one or two drinks and then stop. Now let me get this straight -- this wasn’t the first time you got popped in the kisser by Lisabeth and you hung around for more? Gosh, Butchie, you’re just as dumb as your ex! You can rationalize being drunk, but you can’t rationalize being sober and smacking someone in the face. And by the way, how come you spent two years with this violent girl? You should have read her a lot sooner. Are you sure you got the right book? Doc Love explains Lisabeth's father issues and more...

daddy dearest Here’s the problem with a woman who’s saddled with “father issues.” When you meet a girl, you naturally want to pump up her Interest Level and keep it in the 90s. On the other hand, you have to realize that there are things you can’t change. If a woman doesn’t have Integrity and character coming in, you’re not going to change her. If she’s a taker and she’s hardheaded, you’re not going to change her. And so forth. But the next part is what I call “baggage and scars.” Lisabeth has both. So being punched out is what you’re going to have to put up with if you want this kind of woman. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you have to deal with the sins of her past.” Hopefully it was you who did the dropping here, and hopefully you told Lisabeth why you were doing it. Like I said earlier, it’s ALWAYS, 100% of the time, a NO-NO to slap a guy. There are NO exceptions for violence, EVER. If a woman or a man gets hit at any time during a dating relationship, they should turn around and RUN the other way. FOREVER. And there is never an excuse for someone to hit the opposite gender.

abusive influence

A woman’s relationship with her father is super important. If she has a good mother and a good father and they’re still in love with each other, that positive image will flow down to you, and she’ll have the unconscious desire to replicate the experience. If her father possessed the male strength qualities that made him a great dad, she’ll recognize those in you and she will -- and please take this the right way -- want to marry someone like her father because of the powerful, positive impression that he projected. So that’s exactly what she’ll say to herself: “Give me a husband who’s like dear old dad!” But, like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says, “Lisabeth’s daddy sounds like a real fun guy.” Both physical and verbal abuse are equally terrible, Butchie. Not that I’m playing down physical abuse in any way, please don’t get me wrong. But a father who doesn’t play with his kids, who doesn’t hold his kids and read to them, who isn’t constantly telling his kids how intelligent and perfect and beautiful they are, isn’t a good one. Because those are the strokes that fathers and mothers should be giving their kids from the time they’re born until they’re 5 years old. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If a child gets those strokes, he or she won’t grow up wanting to hurt somebody.”

get out of the ring... fast Should an abused woman be avoided? Well, Butchie, if you had a choice, what would you do? You should have picked up on this woman’s passive-aggressiveness and codependency issues early on and stayed away from her -- far away from her. To you Psych majors, when you’re dating a girl, you’re not there to be her psychiatrist or her punching bag. And yes, with heavy baggage, Interest Level plummets. It happened to you. I don’t care if Lisabeth was Mother Teresa’s twin in all the other areas of her life, you still can’t hit people. If she's violent, don't compromise. And don’t worry -- if she’s so beautiful, she’ll easily find some other dude to rationalize her slapping compulsion. Do I think you made the right choice? My friend, you couldn’t have done better. Remember, guys: When she takes a swing at you, you take a walk.

Doc Love: Communication Problems Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles for months now and I’m starting to see the light! To get to the point, I’m having issues with my ex, Meredith. We were together for 16 months and have had our share of discussions and disagreements. She’s very giving, affectionate, honest, goal-

oriented, down-to-earth, and many other things that make me happy, but when it comes to our arguments, she shuts up like a clam and can not express herself properly. I believe that communication is a major factor in any relationship, but when it comes to Meredith, I don’t get that privilege. I’ve been disappointed by women before and don’t want to go through it again. I love Meredith and she loves me -- she said it first, by the way. This is the girl with whom I want to spend the rest of my life and have children with, but, of course, I never told her that.

i love her, so I dumped her Two weeks ago, I broke up with Meredith because I wanted to spend a few more minutes with her before she had to leave to see her friend (a woman). She insisted that her friend was waiting and that she needed to leave. This got to me, so I called her and broke our date for dinner later that night. She replied that she was going with or without me. Her tone was not something that I can tolerate. I told her to go straight to her house so I could pick up my stuff and that it was over between us. When she arrived, I gathered my things and left without a word. It’s been two weeks and we’ve not spoken. We work in the same building so I’m sure she has seen me in the hallways. Doc, I really love this girl. I finally called her today because I had time to think about what was going on. I asked her to get together and discuss things, and she said that she had plans for the evening, but another day would be fine. I didn’t want to insist on a day or time for this meeting because I have my pride. I feel that I have to wait until she calls me back -- if she does. What do you think I should do? Boomer - who wants to win her back

doc love’s answer Hi Boomer, Right off the bat you have a huge problem. When you have all kinds of “discussions and disagreements” with a girl, right there you’re telling me that her Interest Level is low. When the girl’s Interest Level is way up in the 90s, for some reason you don’t have to have discussions and disagreements. So you’re doing something to Meredith that’s turning her off and you don’t even realize it.

she’s a nasty giver Nevertheless, you go on to list all of Meredith’s sterling qualities. Boomer, if she’s such a Giver, why is she always battling with you? If she were really so wonderful and selfless,

she’d be saying, “Let’s not argue, baby. Let’s not ever argue.” And she’d also tell you, “Do whatever you want, honey. I’m just happy to be with you.” So, you’re not using the word “giving” properly here. Or like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I’d hate to see how she’d act if she was the nasty type.” Doc Love tries to clarify Boomer’s communication problems… Then you turn around and say that despite all of her virtues Meredith can’t express herself. What have I told you guys a thousand times? You don’t have arguments with girls. To you Psych majors, if she doesn’t have the ability to express herself calmly and reasonably, you can’t live with her the rest of your life. And you’re 100% right about communication in a relationship, pal. So, if she doesn’t communicate with you at the level that you need, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with her?

if I took those words away You and Meredith might say you love each other, but she doesn’t love you as much as you love her. She might have said it first, and you might have said it last, but she hasn’t said it since. Boomer, you’ve been disappointed by women because you haven’t memorized my techniques -- and that’s why you’re going to have to go through this torture again. All you guys are going to have to go through it again and again and again until my material is completely internalized. Like my cousin General Love says, “'The System' is your only defense against certain defeat.” It’s good that you didn’t tell Meredith that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and have your children with her. You shouldn’t have, dude. You shouldn’t even have said I love you. First, you’ve got to figure out what the root of all your arguing is about. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The problem you have is that you’re not testing your arguments against the principles of 'The System,' so you have no way to accurately gauge whether or not they’re valid.”

ultimatums under pressure When you had the run-in over her friend, you were pressuring this girl. Why, when you had something important to discuss with Meredith, were you doing a rush job on her? You were out of line here, Boomer. You should have said, “Honey, as soon as you get settled we’ll sit down and talk.” What you can’t tell her if she had prior plans is, “It’s me or your girlfriend!” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, does your laid-back approach carry over into your other discussions?” You shouldn’t have broken your date with Meredith for later that night. You have to back off, man. And like I said, you have to get to the core of your problems with this girl. But you’re

pressuring her, and that’s not going to work. Pressure never works. It doesn’t work in life, business or love.

that’s mine - give it back So Meredith announced that she was going out with or without you. That’s what we call an ultimatum, buddy -- another sign of low Interest Level. But you pushed her to the limit and that’s why she used that tone. Then you pushed it one step further, tossed a baby tantrum and demanded your stuff -- now it’s over. She’s not going to take you back after this, my friend. When you finally got Meredith on the phone after she showed absolutely no interest in you for two whole weeks, you went and pressured her again, asking her out for the same night. You sound like a Macho Boy to me. Did you really think that you could say, “Let’s go,” and she would drop everything and show up?

fill the dumpster for another dumping What do I think you should do? I think you should move on and find a new girlfriend. But again, unless my book is completely digested, you’re going to turn the next girl off too, because you mentioned that other girls have dropped you in the past. So Meredith is really just another girl who dumped you. Number four dropped you, number five dropped you, number six dropped you, and so on. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You must feel like a punching bag, dawg.” So what are you waiting for, Boomer? Remember, guys: All women drop you for the same reason.

Doc Love: Getting A First Date Hey Doc, I ordered “The System” a while ago and I like some of the principles. I’m in my mid-30s and have been divorced for two years. Finding a good woman in the 25-to-35 age range is pretty tough because they’re nearly all taken. I’m not much into the bar/club scene, but I do go out two to three times a week. Anyway, I was at a local bar on Saturday, met a nice group of girls, and hit it off with one in particular. Fiona and I played darts, had a few drinks and talked for a good three hours. I picked up the obvious signals -- solid eye contact, touching my arm and leg, etc. I got her number with no problem, and at the end of the night I walked her and her friend to her friend’s house. When her friend went inside, Fiona turned and kissed me, and told me to call.

phone tag is not a sport I called her the next evening to say I had a good time (I know this goes against your rules, but I figured that she’s onto them and all the other men’s techniques; I wanted to show her I can think for myself). I got no return call, so I called again four days later. After playing phone tag, we finally connected. She said she couldn’t get together on the weekend because she had to work on Friday and had a graduation to attend on Saturday. Here’s the thing -- I’m 14 years older than Fiona and she lives 90 miles away. The age thing is no big deal because she’s pretty mature for her age and probably appreciates a more mature guy. But the distance makes it hard to set up a date, since we can’t exactly go and grab a drink for 45 minutes. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s into “The Rules” and is playing hard to get. Like I said, it’s clear that she’s interested in me. She was also very clear that she does NOT have a boyfriend, and she did return my call. But HOW DO I LAND THAT FIRST DATE? Should I wait a week to call back, and try to set up a Monday or Tuesday date? I don’t want to wait too long -- out of sight, out of mind. Any coaching would help. Thanks! Horst - who doesn’t know how to operate from a distance

doc love’s answer Hi Horst, Hold it right there. I don’t care what rules you like. I appreciate you buying my book, but it’s not something you toss aside after a few pages -- it’s a lifetime INVESTMENT. So, that means you have to INVEST your time and effort into bettering yourself and you can’t cherrypick the principles. You have to follow my techniques from A to Z. To you Psych majors, you can’t leave any room for error when you’re not an expert on women. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “No shortcuts dog. Remember what happened to you the last time?”

why did your wife dump you? So, you’ve been divorced for two years. Did you figure out why your wife dumped you, Horst? I hope so, because if you didn’t, you can bet it’s going to happen to you again. Yes, it’s true that women in that choice age range are nearly all taken. But guess what? You only need one. But you’re not ready to land that great one, Horst, because you haven’t done your homework. Doc Love rips Horst a new one on his technique for getting a first date…

How the heck can you say you’re not into the club scene? You go out to a gin mill three times a week and you’re not into it? OK, so you blabbed for three whole hours to this girl the first time you met her; what have I told you guys in the past? You spend 30 to 45 minutes MAX the first time you meet. Get the home phone number and get out of there. You spent way too much time with this girl. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “When you hang around her for too long, you exponentially increase your chances of screwing it up.”

premature, like most men Horst, you tried to rush it like most men who have no Self-Control. And that wasn’t the only blunder you committed, dude -- you were on a group date in case you hadn’t noticed. But she kissed you and told you to call her, and you put a lot of stock in that. Fabulous -- so far. Did you do your disappearing act? No, you didn’t -- you called Fiona the very next evening. Why? Where was the fire? When I have to look up “telephone blunders” in the dictionary, will I find your picture there? What do you mean she’s on to all the men’s techniques? How do you know what’s going on in this girl’s head? You’re out with a complete stranger for three hours and you know everything about her? You don’t know anything about this woman, buddy! What do you have, a crystal ball? Don’t forget where you were when you were rapping with her -- in a saloon that was full of smoke and everyone was half in the bag.

fiona is just too busy for you Do you know why Fiona didn’t call you back when you phoned her? Because she loves you, guy, it’s obvious. She had more excuses than Barry Bonds has homers why she couldn’t get together with you: She’s busy Friday. She’s busy Saturday. Like my cousin General Love says, “And she’s probably working on her helicopter on Sunday.” You’re not 14 years older than Fiona, my friend. You’re 14, period. You act like a 14 year old around this girl. And she lives 90 miles away. Great! So you’ve got a girl who doesn’t like you and who lives on the other side of the world. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East LA says, “This is destined for success.” By the way -- how do you know Fiona appreciates more mature guys? She might be into 19year-old guitar players for all you know. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I haven’t seen a woman who isn’t!” Your problem isn’t distance, pal. Your problem is that you don’t know the first thing about women. And you’ve got a book on handling them that you’ve never read. But you maintain that Fiona’s into the rules and is playing hard to get. Tell you what, Horst, every time you say “The Rules,” substitute the words “LOW INTEREST LEVEL” instead.

doc love gives some honest advice On top of it all you’re dating a yo-yo here, man. But I’ll do my best to help you. If you insist on driving 90 miles in one direction to see a loony tune, here’s what you do: Set the date two weeks from now. Tell Fiona you want to come to town and see her. Make it for a Sunday at lunch and you’ll meet her at the restaurant. When she doesn’t show up, you can turn right around and drive the 90 miles home. Then you’ll say “Gee, Doc’s right!” Remember, guys: the closer they live, the easier it is.

Doc Love: Cheating On Her Hey Doc, I’ve learned a lot from reading your articles. I hope that you can help me with a major dilemma I’m caught in. Up until now, I haven’t had many problems in the love department. I have a girlfriend of four years (I’ll call her Venus) and we have a great relationship (except for the fact that I'm kind of cheating on her); I have hopes for a great future. But recently a new girl, Shakira, has shown up in my life and confused everything. Shakira started working with me at my job. We talked, and I made a small move on her. To make a long story short, I played my cards right and didn’t call her immediately, which drove her Interest Level higher. When she asked me why I didn’t call her right away, I told her that I was busy.

shakira’s hips don’t lie Now Doc, this girl is a beauty and all the guys at work love her and are after her. I try not to show it as much as they do, which has worked because she has told me that she likes me. On our first night out, we kissed. The problem is that she has a boyfriend of five years and here she’s messing around with me. And of course I have Venus, but I’m really falling in love with Shakira. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want Shakira’s Interest Level to go down -- I’m still young, 23, and want to take advantage of life. I think Shakira feels the same about me. I didn’t really want to fall for Shakira, but I’m weak. Do you think I should tell her to break up with her boyfriend now? If she does, then I’ll have to let Venus go. Do double breakups ever work out? Please tell me what I should do. Shawn - who’s losing sleep over the two of them

doc love’s answer Hi Shawn, You said you haven’t had many problems in the love game. Dude, if you’re memorizing my material you shouldn’t have ANY problems with love -- ever! Shakira hasn’t confused everything in your life, pal. She just confused YOU. And here you have a good girl of four years and you’re ready to just throw her aside for somebody else who’s a complete stranger. What’s wrong with you? What are you thinking? Are you thinking at all? Are you aware that you're cheating on her?

a beautiful play But you did one thing right, Shawn: telling Shakira that you were busy when she wanted you to fall all over her was perfect. Any time a girl asks you why you haven’t done something just remember to say those two magic words, “I’m busy.” Beautiful, Shawn -- well, so far anyway. Doc Love tells Shawn about the cons of cheating on her… We don’t care what the other guys in your office are after, man. All we’re concerned about is who Shakira likes. That said, isn’t it wonderful that the girl you’re in love with is messing around with you when she has a long-term boyfriend? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This is like double adultery.” And can you imagine all the other guys Shakira is dating? You’re not falling in love with Shakira, pal. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “All you’re falling in love with is newness and novelty.” That's why you're cheating on her, and by her I mean Venus.

double jeopardy Sure, you’re young and want to take advantage of life, my friend. We all do. But you got a problem here -- Shakira has a boyfriend of five years. This girl is unavailable until her boyfriend is out of the picture and gone. And until your girlfriend is gone, you’re unavailable, unless you want to be cheating on her -- oh, wait, you are. So what we have here is a pair of unavailable people betraying the partners they’re supposed to be loyal to. Like my cousin General Love says, “Gee, I’d hate to be next to either one of you in a foxhole!” And wait just a minute here. What do you mean you think Shakira feels the same about you as you feel about her? Shawn, you have no clue what’s going on between this babe’s ears. You’re just at the same job as she is and you’ve had a couple of measly dates. In other words, you know nothing whatsoever about this girl.

But you claim that you’re weak. You’re not weak, Shawn. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You just love beauty, my son, that’s all.”

double the pleasure Do I think you should tell Shakira to break up with her boyfriend? No, you shouldn’t mention the boyfriend at all. But if she says yes when you ask her to dump her man, you’d better be ready for the consequences -- all of the consequences, and you can bet they’re going to happen. If Shakira agrees to getting rid of her boyfriend, you’ll have to let Venus go. Then Shakira will go back to her boyfriend when she gets bored with you, and you’ll go back to your girlfriend. Shakira’s boyfriend will take her back because she looks like Gisele Bundchen’s younger sister, but your girlfriend isn’t going to take you back because you’re nothing at all like Tom Brady. So now you’ve gone from one girl to none, when you were trying to go from one girlfriend to two. Think about it, Shawn. Do double breakups ever work out? It might have worked for Brad and Angelina, but numerically, the odds are horribly against it.

is that your final answer? What should you do about this whole thing? First of all, stop flirting with Shakira. Then go home and make a list of all the great things you have with Venus and start thinking about the idea of LOYALTY. If you can’t be loyal, guy, then get rid of your girl. You should be getting rid of your girl because you don’t like her anymore or you’re completely bored with her, not because you found somebody who appears to be better. And you can’t even compare them because your girlfriend has four years in with you and this new girl only has a couple of hours in. Duh. So, now you’re ready to make a long-term decision about two women while you’re in a highly emotional state. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you ain’t thinkin’ straight -- that’s what this new girl has done to you!” Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: She's Acting Distant Hey Doc, First, let me thank you for all the valuable advice. I found your articles a little over a year ago and have read them all since. The advice has truly helped me change my way of approaching women and I feel much more comfortable and independent now. My only regret is that I was not able to buy “The System,” as it might have saved me in this situation.

About eight months ago, I met Elise through a friend. I went right in for the kill, got her number and we began dating. Having read your advice and learned from past experiences, I made sure to be a Challenge. I let Elise call most of the time and made sure we didn’t see each other too often (in some cases telling her that I was busy even though I wasn’t). I gave her compliments when I felt like it, but made sure not to overdo it. I waited for her to tell me “I love you” first. I also made sure to be cocky and funny. We pretty much never had a dull moment and, above all, we never had a real fight.

it was perfect until… Everything was going perfectly well until two weeks ago, when school began. We were both busy, but managed to see each other once or twice. The trouble began when she inexplicably started acting cold toward me. When I confronted her about it, she said it wasn’t on purpose and broke down crying. She explained that she felt “lost in her head” because there are many changes in her life right now with school, work and family. Even though we made up, she was still acting distant. We met for a drink. She seemed happy to see me when I arrived, but when I went to kiss her, she refused. Having seen the signs, I had half-expected this. We talked for about half an hour and I made sure to keep my composure. She explained that she’d been trying to understand why she had to break up with me, but couldn’t. She just knew she had to do it. I asked if there was something I could change to better myself in my next relationship. No, she said, I did everything perfectly.

what does this mean? She also told me she would like to keep contact and that she would always love to see my number on her phone. She told me that I could call her if ever I want to discuss things (but not her decision). She said she wouldn’t call me because it wouldn’t feel right since she did the breaking up. I told her I didn’t like keeping contact with exes. I am unsure what this breakup really means. She was the one with tears in her eyes and had nothing concrete to explain her decision. I believe she still loves me. I really would like to get back with her, but I don’t know what my next move should be. For now, I will keep silent and distant. I think I acted correctly as I know begging will only push her away. Please give me some advice, Doc. Dorian - who needs help before it’s too late

doc love’s answer Hi Dorian, You mean to tell me that you’ve read 52 columns that changed your life and you couldn’t

come up with $99 to invest in the font of wisdom that is “The System”? It’s great that you learned how to be a Challenge. My question, though, is: Are you going to stay a Challenge? That’s the hard part. When she told you she loved you first, I hope you answered “How much?” Because then you would have really been a Challenge. What else does Doc Love have to say?

of course she cried But then Elise inexplicably started acting cold toward you. What most guys do when that happens is get down on their knees and start begging. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Then they hang around for the beating.” When that happens, you’re supposed to go to North Dakota with the federal Witness Protection Program. She can’t find you. Your buddies don’t know where you are. Your parents don’t even know where you are. We’re hoping that this girl is going to end up pounding on your door with REAL tears in her eyes. Of course Elise broke down crying when she split up with you. But she was crying for herself. She was thinking, “Why in the world am I spending time with someone I have no interest in?” Don’t buy all that stuff about changes in Elise’s life. There was only one change in her life, and that was with her boyfriend. Once upon a time she had 95% Interest Level in him, and now she has 35% Interest Level in him.

don’t chase them Elise was still acting distant when you got together because you were seeing her. WHEN WOMEN ACT DISTANT, DON’T CHASE THEM. To you Psych majors, BACK OFF -LET THEM CHASE YOU. I know this is a tough one for you to grasp, Dorian, and I’m sorry you don’t have the money to invest in my book to figure it out, but when a girl doesn’t kiss you, that means she doesn’t like you. Now let it sink in. If you half-expected Elise to be cold, then why didn’t you stay with the other half? You shouldn’t have done anything, pal. When your gut is telling you not to do anything, don’t do anything. Elise is saying that she doesn’t know why she fell out of love. She’s out of love because you made her fall out of love by doing a lot of stupid things and by not being a Challenge. So, Elise tried to figure out why she had to break up with you but couldn’t. If a guy said that to a police officer, they’d throw the white net over him and haul him off to Bellevue. When you asked Elise what you could do to better yourself next time, she should have been

honest with you and said, “Don’t be yourself!” Dude, if you did everything perfectly, her Interest Level would still be 95%! Wake up!

don’t call her Elise said she’d love to see your number on her phone. I hope you said “Thank you, your highness!” And when you call to “discuss things,” is she supposed to be your mom or your psychiatrist? Know why it wouldn’t feel right for Elise to call you? Because she doesn’t dig you. So she left out the most important part -- the woman’s Interest Level -- which is the No. 1 factor in all romantic relationships. My understanding of the concept of the woman’s Interest Level is what separates me from all the other love doctors. You don’t like keeping contact with exes? Why are you telling this girl what you don’t like? What you should have said was “Hey, I really appreciate being your friend,” then you should have hung up and destroyed her phone number and tried to figure out why you didn’t stay a Challenge.

get over it I’ll explain to you what this breakup really means since you don’t get it. It means you’re going into the pain of rejection and you’re never going to have another shot at this girl in this lifetime. You think she still loves you? Sure she does. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She loves you so much and you make her so happy she can’t stand it -- that’s why she had to get rid of you!” Makes perfect sense to me. Your next move should be to Antarctica. You don’t want to beg Elise? You got an “A” in begging, Dorian, so what are you talking about? Your only recourse now is to go mow some lawns and babysit so you can buy “The System.” Remember, guys: When they act distant, you’re going to act double distant.

Doc Love: Women From The Past Hey Doc, I’ve been following your columns and advice for four years. I first want to thank you for helping me better understand women, but more importantly, I want to thank you for helping me become a better man. Prior to your advice, I thought women were supposed to accept me for me. Lame. Now I know that the only worthwhile goal in life is to strive to be the best man

I can possibly be, and in doing so, find and keep the woman who fits the Dating Dictionary’s criteria. Recently, Rachelle (one of my women from the past) e-mailed me out of the blue. I haven’t seen her in five years. We used to work in the same city, but Rachelle was offered a position out East (where she’s from) and I stayed in my home state here in the West. We both decided (reluctantly) to try and make a long-distance relationship work -- it didn’t. I turned into a needy wimp over the telephone and she seemed to lose interest. The more distant she became, the needier, whinier, and wimpier I became. After a few months of her indifference, I told her that I didn’t want to continue our relationship. But, like the good little Wimpus Americanus I had become, I continued to call and e-mail her while still trying to figure out what the hell went wrong.

i had a doc love epiphany Then I found your books and learned. I stopped contacting Rachelle. After a few months of not hearing from me, she started e-mailing me, telling me she was thinking of me and missed me. I gave her very little in return because she didn’t say that she wanted to give us another shot. Then our contact petered out again. Last week, Rachelle e-mailed me and said that she was thinking about me, was wondering how I was doing and told me what she has been up to (there was mention of a dog, but no boyfriend). It’s been two years since I last heard from her. I usually don't give women for the past a second thought, but after hearing from her, memories of what it was like when we were together came back. They are good memories.

curious exploration Why, after all this time, would a woman renew a conversation that has been dead so long? If she still has feelings for me after all this time, then I want her to say so. Is she afraid of saying too much until she knows what I feel for her? Remaining aloof in my e-mail responses has worked for me in the past, but this time I think I should respond differently. Doc, what do you think the intentions are of women from the past and how should I respond? Merlyn - who’s losing his grip... a little

doc love’s answer Hi Merlyn, I’m glad you mentioned that you've become a “better man” after reading my materials. Lots of guys think that my coaching is only about dating, but as you immerse yourself in my techniques, you will become a better person. The improvements you make will carry over

into your business life and your social life, and that means your dealings will drastically improve with both men and women -- wherever you are and no matter what you’re doing.

doc love talks about your best foot And, I’m likewise impressed that you’ve come to the realization that it’s “lame” to believe that a woman should accept you as you are. You said so much in that sentence, pal. There are lots of guys out there who don’t want to better themselves and who don’t want to cultivate their best parts. They would rather leave their best parts out of a relationship and assume that the woman is just going to take them as they are. Like my cousin General Love says, “It goes without saying that the results of this non-strategy are invariably disastrous.” And you said it all when you said that only your best self will help you meet the Dating Dictionary’s criteria when it comes to finding and keeping the right woman. Doc Love talks to Merlyn about dealing with women from the past…

distance makes the heart weak The first and most important thing you have to realize about Rachelle is that SHE LEFT YOU in the first place. She moved away from you, dude. Far away. What kind of relationship did she really expect to have with you? She might have had 95% Interest Level in you, but she had at least 96% Interest Level in her new job. Right then and there, you knew that this girl didn’t value you as much as she did her work. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You gotta be No. 1 in the woman’s life. If you ain’t numero uno, then you shouldn’t even be with her.” Merlyn, your girl didn’t seem to lose interest when you turned into a needy wimp -- she DID lose interest. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Don’t feel bad about being desperate, whiny and wimpy -- 90% of American men act that way when they’re going down.” But it was very strong of you to tell Rachelle that you didn’t want to continue your relationship. The problem is that it wasn’t actually continuing -- it was already over. What went wrong between you two? By your own admission, you were a wuss. See, when the woman’s Interest Level is taking a nosedive, the guy usually decides, “Well then, I’ll just come on heavier!” And it never enters his mind to disappear, which is what he should do. To you Psych majors, it never works to come on heavy with someone who’s not interested in you.

she’s building her self-esteem Know why Rachelle got in touch with you? Because she went out with two or three other guys where she lives and it didn’t work out, so she went through her phone book and there was your name. And she said to herself, “Ah, Merlyn! He’s always there. I’ll get in touch with him and see if he’s still in love with me because I need some attention!”

But when she contacted you after two years, you should have told her you were dating two babes right now and that they’re both totally in love with you. And if you really wanted to get to her, you should add that you were confused because both of them are so gorgeous and you don’t know which one to choose.

open those wounds every day Sure you had some good memories of your time with Rachelle, but what you should do is write down a list of the bad memories, stick it up on your refrigerator and read it every day. Rachelle is renewing an old conversation with you because she’s striking out with the other turkeys that she meets. She doesn’t say she has feelings for you because she doesn’t, pal. Is she afraid of saying too much before she knows where you stand? Merlyn, by that question alone I know you’re off the deep end. And it tells me how much you don’t know about “The System.”

leave her in the past Should you respond differently this time? What do you want to do -- go back to being a wimp? That’s the reason Rachelle dumped you the first time, isn’t it? So, that’s the choice you face: go back to being the old Merlyn, or be a man. If I were you, I’d tell Rachelle about the great time you’re having with two Playboy bunnies. Remember, guys: you get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Forgiving A Cheater Hey Doc, I just became your fan a week ago when looking for coaching regarding my recent breakup with my girlfriend. Destiny is 21, and I’m 30. When we met she didn’t want to go out with me because of the age difference and because she wanted to keep seeing her ex boyfriend and be free to meet new guys. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted, but that I was just going to show her what type of guy she was going to let go.

destiny fulfilled It worked. She immediately dug me, and for three months we had the greatest relationship. She was constantly telling me how lucky she was to have me, she’d beg me to never stop loving her and she even made me sign a virtual contract saying that I would never leave her.

Then she went to Russia to do some volunteer work. She told me she was sorry to leave, but that she’d be back soon and we would be together forever. I was the happiest man alive. When she was in Russia, she told me by phone and e-mail that she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. She even told me she couldn’t live without me. Well, when Destiny came back she was completely different. She became so inexplicably distant that when I’d touch her she would make as if I were Quasimodo. Her kisses were empty. She told me she’d changed and that she needed space to come back gradually, and would have to fall in love with me all over again. I waited a week, but she was still treating me super cold. When I asked her what happened, she said that we weren’t a couple anymore; that we would never be together again; that she wanted to be free to travel and meet guys, and that she couldn’t do it with me because she would be unfaithful.

the cold shoulder Since I had her password, I checked her e-mail and sure enough, there it was: a letter from her to a guy she met in Russia, telling him that she broke up with me; how happy she was that she wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore and that she only loved me because she’d needed to be loved, but when she got what she wanted from me she lost all interest. Doc, I’m still very much in love with Destiny and I already forgave her for cheating on me. What I want to know is this: If we were so much in love and our relationship was so great, how could she let everything go down the drain for a guy she won’t even see because he’s so far away? What did I do wrong? When you talk about Interest Level, is it the same as love? How could love die so quickly? Hector - who’s heartbroken in New York

doc love's answer Hi Hector, Destiny’s 21 and you’re 30? Right off the bat you’re in TROUBLE, man. Remember what I’ve told you about a million times before? When they’re 18 to 22 they’re nothing but TROUBLE. But you’ve just discovered me so you have an excuse. If you’re 30, you should be with a 27- to 30-year-old.

age is more than a number Now if Destiny wants to see her ex and meet new guys, right there she was telling you loud and clear that you’re out FOREVER. Gee, it was nice of you to tell the girl that she could do what she wanted. You mean, as if she wouldn’t anyway? You mean you gave her permission? Think about it now: This girl is not interested in you and you’re giving her permission to do

what she wants. I smell a little bit of Macho Boy in you, Hector. Doc Love lectures Hector on forgiving a cheater... When Destiny was all over you, you still shouldn’t have signed that so-called virtual contract. When you did, you completely gave away CHALLENGE. Then she traveled all the way to Russia. Long-distance relationships don’t work, my friend. There’s no other way to say it. And like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says, “She was sorry she had to go, but not sorry enough to stay.” Sure, you were the happiest man alive when she said you’d be together forever -- temporarily. And don’t forget, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, if she couldn’t live without you, she wouldn’t be in Russia.”

robbing the craddle When she came back stateside, Destiny didn’t completely change. You’re going out with a baby. She’s 21, dude. And by the way, Quasimodo, you shouldn’t be touching this girl anyway. Destiny can’t fall in love with you again. Once Interest Level drops below 50%, you’re OUT, guy. You waited a whole week before you got in touch with her? Wow -- what Self-Control! Hector, you should have waited a year. And you should have erased her e-mails and not talked to her until she was banging on your door and begging on her knees to see you. Now let me get this straight: After Destiny told you that she needed to travel, date a million guys, wanted nothing to do with you ever again, and warned you that she was going to be unfaithful, you mean it still didn’t sink in that you were dumped? I guess she wasn’t obvious enough. She was just kind of beating around the bush, right? Listen to Destiny’s own words: When she got what she wanted, she lost all interest. To you Psych majors, when you’re an open book, predictable and too available, they all lose interest.

dumping disillusions But you were big enough to forgive Destiny for cheating on you. How on earth do you forgive someone for cheating on you? It’s impossible. Know why? To forgive and forget are the same things and you will never forget what she did. And if she did take you back, four to six months down the line you’d be thinking about what she did over and over and over again. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some things never stop preying on your mind.” And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Unless a woman is loyal, she’s worthless.” You were head over heels in love, Hector -- she wasn’t. She’s just a little girl fooling around

with as many guys as possible. Now you know what she volunteered to do in Russia -- kiss another guy! And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Just think: The new guy is on the other side of the world and he’s ahead of you!”

you fell too hard What did you do wrong? Everything. You came on too heavy too fast, and you gave away the store like 90% of the men out there. Yes, Interest Level is the same as love. At one time this girl had high Interest Level in you, but you blew it by being too mushy. Hector, you should have found me sooner and memorized my materials. Now it’s too late. But you’ll be better prepared to deal with the next girl. Finally, like my cousin General Love says, “Love didn’t die quickly. It died in Russia.” Remember, guys: If you don’t go in slowly, your destiny is to lose her.

Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge Hey Doc, You are the MAN and thanks for all your great advice! I, on the other hand, screwed up big time and, well, all I can say is: lesson learned. I am 32 and met a fantastic 21-year-old, Jasmine (read: mistake one), but things were great so I went for it. I was a Challenge and she was up for the game. She did all the things that showed (not merely said) that she was totally into me. She was the one to call all the time, initiate plans, send letters and small gifts, etc. I was absolutely into her as well, but played it cool and remained a Challenge. I responded to her overtures but was never proactive (my bad).

rough challenge About six months into the relationship Jasmine started to complain that I was not giving her enough attention. I shrugged it off and told her that I am a busy guy and that she meant a lot to me, but she had to understand my schedule. Everything was fine until two months later when she brought it up again. Once again, I shrugged it off. Well, wouldn't you know it; things started going downhill from there. We fought more and our conversations were less pleasant, in addition to other major red flags. I tried to break things off, but strangely she insisted that we should stay together. Then, out of the blue, she

dumped me one month later. My question to you is this: Did I take being a Challenge too far? At what point in the relationship should I have given in and showed her more attention? Wallis - who screwed up and doesn’t know how

doc love's answer Hi Wallis, I’m glad you say you learned your lesson, because that’s the point of my coaching. If you make a mistake, I’m here to point it out to you. And if you can get passed your own ego, you’ll learn your lesson and it won’t happen again. But if you keep repeating your blunders, you’ll continue to be unsuccessful with women, get dropped by them and never know why. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Wallis. If you’re 32 years young it’s not a mistake to go out with a beautiful 21-year-old who looks like Megan Fox. Heck, you pull that off and you’re going to be a hero among your friends. Everybody at work is going to be paying you accolades. Your buddies are going to be throwing beer on you. But what you can’t do is go charging in and fall in love with her.

going for tarnished gold But you say you “went for it” anyway. Good for you. You should have gone for it. And her response was great. She did everything. So at that point, Wallis, you owned this girl’s heart. Her Interest Level was in the 90s. Perfect. You couldn’t have done any better. Was Wallis too much of a challenge or was Jasmine too young? And when Jasmine was all over you, you didn’t lose self-control, and that’s even better. So why are you saying it was a mistake to never be proactive? You’re contradicting yourself. Hanging back is not your bad. That’s your GOOD, dude. That means she was coming at you all the time. You could have come at her once in a while, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s coming on heavy, why disturb the flow if it’s inbound?” But when Jasmine started complaining that you weren’t giving her enough attention, right then and there you should have said, “Babe, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it!” And if she said, “Well, I want to go dancing Saturday night,” I don’t care how tired you are during the day on Saturday after a long week’s work; you’re taking her, man. Because she was telling you, “Look, I’m in a long-term relationship here and I need something!” And that was the turning point, and you failed to pick up on it. That was your real mistake, Wallis. But, of course, it all depends on how much attention she needs. If Jasmine has to go dancing every night, then you have what we call a high-maintenance woman, and like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you should never have gotten involved with her in the first place.”

you made her no. 2 Now let me get this straight: You actually told Jasmine that you were too busy for her on account of your heavy schedule? OK, let’s say that what you said was true; you were so busy you could hardly breathe. But we’re talking about romantic love here, buddy. To you Psych majors, you indirectly told this girl that she’s not number one. HUGE, HUGE MISTAKE. But that wasn’t enough. Then you shrugged off her complaint a second time. Wallis: WOMEN DON’T LIE AND MEN DON’T LISTEN. Of course things started going straight downhill from there. They always do, don’t they? I can just hear the numbers ticking off as you fell out of grace with the beautiful Jasmine: 95%...85%...75%...65%...55%...then 49%, and it’s South Pole here we come. Then it was all over. And you can’t really complain, my friend, because she warned you twice. But you didn’t want to listen. You didn’t want to give in. You just wanted to take this girl for granted. You didn’t want to use the DOC LOVE MAINTENANCE PROGRAM and now you’ve had to pay. And how did you pay? By having to suffer the pangs of rejection.

challenge doesn't mean disrespect You were fighting all over the place and there were lots of major red flags? Oh, is that all? In other words, like my cousin General Love says, “This was just a little bit bigger than the Battle of Gettysburg!” But Jasmine insisted that you stay together. I hope you didn’t give in like 90% of American men would. But you did, didn’t you? And naturally she dumped you a month later after you had the chance to dump her first. But you thought -- due to your enormous ego -- that the reason she wanted you back was because of high Interest Level. You didn’t realize that she only wanted you back so that she could be the dumper and you could be the dumpee. You almost got out clean, Wallis, but then you went back for a beating. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She was just holding onto you for a while until she found her next boyfriend!” You didn’t take Challenge too far, Wallis. You took disrespecting Jasmine too far by not being a little more affectionate or romantic when she asked you for it. You should have given in and showed her more attention the first time she brought it up. Now it’s too late. But at least you’ve learned your lesson. Next time, you’ll do better. Remember, guys: If her gripe is legitimate, you’d better listen and give her what she wants.

She Has A Boyfriend

Hey Doc, Thanks for your wonderful contributions to men! I’ve been doing business with Felicia for four months, and during our meetings at her office we’ve been flirting with each other. She laughs at every stupid thing I say, we’re always staring at each other, she plays with her hair, likes to whisper secrets in my ear, and so on. I decided to ask her out to dinner to thank her for work well-done, but she declined and told me that it was against her company’s rules to accept gifts while business is still being transacted. However, she suggested that we could have dinner in a month when our business was concluded. Meanwhile, she gave me her cell phone number and requested mine. During conversations with my brother, who is also involved in my business, she asked personal questions about me.

she dropped the b-bomb Recently, Felicia asked me to meet her at a cafe. I went, and even though I was two hours late, she was still there waiting on me. She complimented me on my new hair style and my clothes since that was the first time she ever saw me outside of a business environment. However, while we were discussing my desire to quit smoking, she stated that her boyfriend just recently quit smoking. This is what I love to refer to as the B-bomb. I had no clue! Nevertheless, our meeting went very well, and she suggested that we meet again. Just today I received a call from her asking me to meet her at a landmark of my choice to discuss more business. I suggested that she could come to my house, which she accepted. Doc, what should I do now? Should I tell her how I really feel about her when she comes to my house? Or should I wait until our business is concluded? And how do I handle the Bbomb? I am in love with this gal, but she has a boyfriend. Please help! Abel - who feels like he has to make his move

doc love’s answer Hi Abel, This is absolutely fantastic. Since you spent time naturally with Felicia and weren’t trying to put the moves on her, she had the opportunity to discover how great you are. And that’s why she’s playing with you now. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “This Kitty Kat is purring!”

seal the deal with a kiss It was a good move to offer to take Felicia out for dinner as a reward for work well-done. The problem is that you weren’t finished transacting your business with her. The dinner should come after all the work is done, pal. You tried to close with the reward too soon. As usual, you, like most men, showed no Self-Control. What have I told you guys a thousand times? YOU HAVE TO MOVE IN SLOWLY. Felicia’s suggestion that you get together for dinner in a month when you’re finally through with business is called a beautiful counter-offer. So, what are you going to do? You’re not going to wait a month -- you’re going to wait FIVE WEEKS before you call her. She has a boyfriend, but Doc Love still has sound advice…

backstabbing brother You talked to your brother about this girl? I hope you didn’t tell him anything. Because it’s going to go straight back to her, and you’re going to screw everything up. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, “Even brothers can’t keep their mouths shut, grasshopper!” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Didn’t you ever hear the one about Cain and Abel? You best go back to the Good Book, dawg!” Felicia’s invitation to meet at a cafe was incoming -- beautiful! But hold on here. You were two hours late meeting her? How in the world could you be two hours late? If you were supposed to meet this girl at three o’clock, let’s say, you knew at 12:30 you weren’t going to make it. You should have phoned her and called the date off. You don’t leave anybody waiting for two hours, Abel. What I can’t believe is how stupid this girl is for waiting on you! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Nobody hangs around for two hours -- except for the groupies waiting for the guys in the band.”

she’s giving you signals Felicia’s compliments about your hairdo and duds were more buying signals. Nice. But how the heck did she find out that you smoked? And why in the world are you trumpeting a major flaw in your personality? And not only that, but the filthiest habit you can ever have? $6.50 a pack, man! The headliner in your car, the ceiling of your house and your clothes all smell of smoke, and you’re bringing this up and telling this girl that you have this battle going on -this great big conflict inside you? I hope you remembered to tell her that your mouth tastes like an ashtray before you try to kiss her. Why does she know this weakness about you? To you Psych majors, you’re supposed to tell her only the GOOD THINGS. Abel, it’s funny that you compliment me on my contributions to men, but my words go in one ear and out the other.

What you should have said when Felicia dropped her B-bomb was: “You have a boyfriend? I can’t believe it. What a coincidence. Because I have a girlfriend! So tell me about the guy.” Of course you were clueless about the boyfriend in the background. You’re not supposed to have a clue about this girl’s boyfriend. You don’t know anything about her, pal! You’ve just been doing business with her for four months -- you haven’t been prying into her social life.

does she have a frequent flyer plan? Despite her boyfriend, she wanted to meet you again. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East LA says, “Well, one thing I can say about this babe is that she’s loaded with loyalty!” It’s good that Felicia wants to come to your house. Now get the maid and the painter in, and make that place look sharp! And while you’re at it, Abel, buy some flowers and deodorizer to kill the smell of all those Camels and Marlboro Lights. But let me get this straight. You want to tell a girl who has a boyfriend that you like her? What are you thinking, pal? Is what I teach you guys really that complex? Is “The System” just too hard for you to understand? Abel, if Felicia is calling you and asking you out, she is biting hard, which means that the other guy is on the way out. Or, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, this lady wouldn’t be caught dead in an ethics class!” So what you’re going to do is go out with Felicia every time she calls you -- but you’re not going to ask her out. Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, make sure she chases you -- at all times.

Doc Love: She Wants Time Off Hey Doc, I’ve had your book for a few years, but didn’t follow it enough three years ago when I met my fiancee, Nicole. She was only 19 at the time (she’s 22 now and I’m 26, by the way). She’s going to school in a city that’s pretty far away, and I just graduated from school in another city, so I’m looking for a job where she is now -- since she still has two years left before she graduates. About six months ago, Nicole told me that she wanted time off because she didn’t know what she wanted and felt that something was missing in our relationship. The very next day she changed her mind and I told her that if it ever happened again, I wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Things have been great ever since, but yesterday, she said she had to tell me something about that day. She admitted that she felt bad and had wanted to tell me this secret all along, but that she never got up the courage. She said that every time I called her “baby” it made her feel horrible about what she did.

baby’s been betrayin’ Here’s what happened: Just before she expressed to me that she wants time off, Nicole met her ex-boyfriend (her first love) at the park a couple of times and they kissed, but nothing more (I want to believe her, but I’m taking it with a grain of salt). She said that she is extremely sorry about what happened and that she felt like she was going crazy, and that it made her realize how much she wanted me and not him. She also said she regrets what happened, big time, and wants to marry me more than ever, and that it even helped her to realize that her ex is not for her, but that I am. She swears she hasn’t talked to him since. As she was telling me all this, I pulled out “The System” and read the section on “Betrayal.” I didn’t blow up, but told Nicole that I was very angry. I also told her that if she ever does anything like that again or tells me that she wants time off, there would be no more me and her.

trying to regain control Nicole begged me to forgive her, but I told her that I was too angry to think straight, that I needed to go and sleep on it, and that I’d call her when I woke up. I will try to give her another chance, but I’m wondering how I should go about it. I’m thinking of telling her something like, “If you’re absolutely positive that you still want to be with me and marry me, and that you will not ever think about doing something like this again, then I forgive you and we can move on.” What do you think, Doc? Primo - who hopes to get back in control

doc love’s answer Hi Primo, Why in the world didn’t you follow what’s in my book when you needed it? You invested in the Dating Dictionary, didn’t you? Some of you guys out there feel that just by having my books in your house, the words will somehow magically fly through the air and nestle between your ears. My friend, learning how to deal with women is a rough, tough practice that takes lots of discipline. So, to invest in my book -- THE GREATEST TOOL YOU CAN EVER OWN WHEN IT COMES TO DATING AND WOMEN -- and not use it is simply unbelievable.

When she wants time off, you want to give it to her -- forever…

the problem with primo’s situation Now, let’s look at what’s going on with Nicole. You’ve got two problems here right off the bat. First of all, she’s just a little girl and a ding-dong to boot. Second, she’s living out of town. So, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Oh, yeah, you’re off to a great start!” Those conditions would be OK if Nicole was deeply in love with you, but like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You can’t trust 22-year-olds, boy!” Dude, when you hear a girl say that she wants time off, you’re done, done, done. DONE. As in, FOREVER. And what bothers me most was that you had my book. If you didn’t have the book, I wouldn’t be browbeating you, Primo. But it was sitting on your nightstand, and look at what you’ve done here. You had a shot at a hottie and what did you do? You didn’t do what it says to do in my book, and now she’s going to walk. It’s over.

what a girl wants This girl might not know what she wants, but she sure as heck knows what she doesn’t want. Of course something was missing in your relationship -- her high Interest Level! But the next day she changed her mind. So she’s going to practice the yo-yo now, huh? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, why are you even talking to this girl?” Primo, you should do two things right now. One, tell Nicole to forget your name. Two, tell her to forget your phone number. Things haven’t been great between you and her, man. A girl says she wants time off and according to you, things are great? This girl’s treating you like a human boomerang. How could you possibly like being treated that way? So things aren’t so great. It’s not just an oxymoron -- it’s stupid.

giving her too much credit Of course Nicole met up with her ex-boyfriend. When a girl is bored, she starts giving out her home phone number to guys, but if there’s no one around, she goes back to her first love. They all do it. And of course they kissed -- at two in the morning in the back seat of his car! And you’re taking all of this with a grain of salt? You’re giving her 100 times too much credit, Primo! You know why Nicole felt like she was going crazy? Because she was with two guys she doesn’t love! But she claims that kissing her ex convinced her that she wanted you and not him. Well, that makes sense -- go and make out with some other guy and then you’ll know whom your true love is! Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s perfectly rational.”

But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Next! Maybe Nicole should go kiss the soccer team and see if any of those guys are for her.

re-read betrayal Are you sure you read the section on “Betrayal” in my book? It says don’t ever show the girl that you’re angry. And it also says don’t ever have a heavy, serious conversation with her. So you’d better re-read “Betrayal.” It sounds like you missed a few things. When you told Nicole there wasn’t going to be any more you and her, was that the third or fourth ultimatum? Don’t you know when you’re out, Primo? Or like my cousin General Love says, “What does this girl have to do, burn down your house?” How can you ever trust this girl? To you Psych majors, YOU CAN’T. Remember, guys: Once they stray, it’s adios, baby.

Doc Love: Is She Trustworthy? Hey Doc, I’ve been going out with Romy for a year and a half and just recently she gave me a reason to wonder if she's trustworthy? She has always been very real with me and I’ve always hated it when other guys talk to her. I know I can’t do anything about it, but I simply do not trust single guys around her. Anyway, she just started college and has met several new guys who happen to be in her group. They had to meet outside of school for some projects, and in the beginning I overreacted about it, but then I got over it. For the past couple of days, I’ve gone into Romy’s e-mail and found messages that she wrote to one of the guys about going to the beach and hanging out with him behind my back. I got very angry about it, but I didn’t call her on it right away. First, I asked her if she’d been talking to any of these guys about hanging out or if they had asked her out -- and she kept saying no. I just wanted her to admit what she said to this guy, but she refused.

inside jokes at your expense After I admitted looking at her e-mail, Romy finally broke down and said that the whole thing had only been an inside joke. She added that I would never have believed her if she told me the truth and that she would have felt the same if I did the same thing to her behind her back.

Long story short, I need to know if I should just dump Romy now and be done with it or give her another chance to make things faithful between us. I really want to be with her, Doc, but I also hate to be played. I don’t believe her and she has lost my trust. Doc, is she trustworthy? The Bull - who doesn’t like being gullible

doc love's answer Hi Bull, It’s OK, if not natural, to dislike other guys talking to your girl. I just hope you don’t put on a long face and pout whenever guys put the moves on Romy. Because what happens if you toss a hissy fit is you show her that in the future, if she ever wants to control you or get to you, all she has to do is talk to another guy. Like my cousin General Love says, “What you’re actually doing when you lose control of yourself is giving her information and ammo for future battles -- which she’s going to win!” How many of you have asked, "Is she trustworthy?"…

who do you trust? So, you’re going about this all wrong, Bull. You have to realize that all single guys are after Romy, and that’s fine. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s just a fact of life when you have someone who looks like Kate Beckinsale hanging off your arm.” But don’t worry about all those other guys. To you Psych majors, it’s her you have to worry about. How does she react to all this attention? Does she tell these other dudes that she has a boyfriend and try to keep them at arm’s length? Or does she lead them on because she digs the strokes? If Romy just started college, that makes her either 18 or 19, right? My friend, this girl is just a baby. Unless she’s an exception to the rule, she doesn’t even know what’s going on in her own head at that age. What have I told you guys a million times about 18- to 22-year-olds? The word, in case you forgot it, is TROUBLE.

harvesting a big fall When you overreacted about Romy’s new group of classmates, did you let her see how it got to you? I’m sure you did. When you plant a seed like that in her mind, it grows, and the man who is insecure, jealous and possessive sets himself up for a fall with a girl who might normally be trustworthy. Bad move, Bull. But we don’t know yet whether your girl is trustworthy. So, is Romy trustworthy? Well, let’s see what we know. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “We know that she wants to wear a thong, jump up and down in the sand and play volleyball on the beach with

this other guy.” What does that tell you, Bull? It’s OK to get angry with Romy, just don’t get angry in front of her. What you were doing was indirectly accusing this girl of cheating. If she wasn’t cheating, it only showed how insecure you are. But if she was unfaithful, she has to lie to you anyway, which means that you’re in a lose-lose situation here, Bull. What’s the difference if she told you she talked to this guy or not? But you have to face reality: If she wants to go to the beach half-naked and party with this one guy and it’s not a group school function, you’re OUT.

you’re the punchline Sure, all of Romy’s e-mail correspondences were an inside joke -- between her and the beach boy. And you’re the outsider, Bull. You’re the one who’s not in on the big laugh. Of course you wouldn’t have believed her if she told you the truth about what happened -- who would? I got news for you -- nobody would. So, Romy would feel the same if you starting fooling around behind her back? What’s that supposed to mean? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Have you noticed that when these babes are playing with your head that they always add cute little taglines that mean absolutely nothing?” But despite what went down, you’d like to give Romy the chance to be faithful to you. How could she be faithful if she has low Interest Level? Of course you don’t want to be played, Bull; no guy in his right mind would. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What you have to understand, dawg, is that she’d rather be at the beach with the younger guy than an uptight geezer.” Remember, guys: When you lose trust in a girl, you can never get it back.

Doc Love: Is It Too Late To Call Her? Hey Doc, I discovered your columns a couple of months ago and I have been addicted ever since. I must say that you have quite a great deal of insight into the male-female thing and I wanted to compliment you. You’re really quite funny too -- I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned that. It’s refreshing to see someone deal with dating and relationships in such a lighthearted manner, and be so serious and profound at the same time.

a worthy makeover

Anyway, here’s what I’m writing about. I am a 50-year-old man. I’ve had a crush on Sienna since I was 12 (I know this sounds weird, but it’s true.) She recently lost her parents, whom she cared for because they were elderly. Sienna is 51, was never married and never had kids. I recently discovered her profile on a computer-dating network. Years ago she used to be plump and had very poorly dyed hair and bad teeth. Now she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Her hair has been done beautifully, her teeth have been fixed and she’s lost 105 pounds! In other words, she has had a very expensive makeover. But here’s what disturbs me: Sienna is saying on her profile that she is 37 years old, and I have to admit that she does look like she could pass for that age. She doesn’t know that I know about her deception, by the way. Sienna and I have not been in touch for a long time, Doc, and although we never had a romantic relationship, I could never get this woman off my mind. I feel that this is the time to finally try and make something happen, but I keep thinking about the fact that she’s lying about her age.

but is it too late to call her? Do you think that it’s ever too late to hook up with someone that you’ve always been interested in? Is it too late to call her? Would the fact that she’s lying about her age disturb you? Can you give me some coaching? Remington - who was shocked to see the "new" her

doc love’s answer Hi Remington, The reason I use humor in my work is because I have to get past the male ego. And I have found that if you can get a guy to laugh at himself -- hopefully when he’s not in a big crowd -he will accept the truth more readily. It’s much easier to listen to somebody who can make you laugh rather than to a psychiatrist, who can be very serious and boring. Let’s move on to your question. And before we begin, remember that you’re not a 50-year-old man. You’re a young man, Remington. You’re 50 years young. It might not be too late to call her, but is it worth the trouble?

sienna is a love desert So you’ve got a thing for Sienna, a 51-year-old lady who has never in her life found a guy to love her. And she has never in her life found a guy that she could love. Don’t you find this a little unusual, pal? To me, this is a huge RED FLAG. I’m the biggest opponent of divorce in the western world, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I wish she had at least one

under her belt.” And like my cousin Rabbi Love adds, “My son, you have to wonder about a woman who’s never been kissed.” But now she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Well, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s amazing what $25,000 and Doctor 90210 can do!” Now this is something to remember for all those women out there who look like a mess: If you really want to improve yourself physically, think of all the things you can do nowadays to help yourself. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Look at what a person has available in America today!”

she’s a cougar hunting for a chicken So, if Sienna has gorgeous hair, straight white teeth and the rest of her body is all buffed up now, she probably could pass for 37. Good for her. But a large segment of women in this country lie straight through their teeth about how much they weigh, which is a lot worse than lying about their age. But you have to also realize that everyone in America lies about their age because we’re a youth-oriented society and most people are desperately trying to hold on to their youth. What I have to wonder, though, is whether Sienna is after some 24- to 35-year-old guys by pretending to be 37 years old. That’s the second big RED FLAG I see here. Let’s face it, dude, the only reason she’s fibbing about her age is to attract younger men -- not some 60year-old geezer. What I would do if I were you, Remington, is keep your mouth shut about the age issue. Don’t even bring it up. Don’t make it into a big deal. But remember that the fact that she’s lying about it is indeed a red flag. Lots of women lie about their age. And to be fair, lots of guys lie about themselves too; on Internet dating sites they say that they’re a five-foot-nine man when they’re really a five-footseven man. It’s the same thing. So I’d let that one slide for now. But I’d keep an eye peeled for any type of exaggeration she makes in the future, and I’d listen very closely to every word she says. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When she starts telling people that she’s the past Miss South Carolina, you know she’s a loon.” So go ahead and contact her through this dating website and get her to Starbucks.

make that love connection Remington, it’s never too late to hook up with someone you’re interested in as long as you didn’t have a relationship with her on a romantic level in the past. Put her lies about her age into cold storage, at least for the time being. That said, I don’t like people who lie. On the other hand, an American woman who is five-foot-six and weighs 140 pounds is going to say that she’s five-foot-seven and 130 pounds. That’s just the way it is.

Remember, guys: As long as you’ve never dated her, you can always take a shot at her.

Doc Love: When Should You Call Her? Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles and from what I can tell, you’re a genius. I plan to buy “The System” in the very near future, but I had an incident recently that needs some illumination. I met Scarlett at my gym. Following your advice, when I first talked to her I kept it short and left with her phone number. I was amped. This was on a Thursday and I wanted to take her out on Saturday, so I decided that I should set something up on Friday before she made plans.

i need a shot, and i need it fast On Friday, I saw Scarlett again at the gym and asked if she’d like to go out for a drink. She said, “Sure, just give me a call.” I told her that I worked on Saturday and would have to call her after I was done with work. On Saturday, I waited a couple of hours after getting off work before calling her. Our conversation was very brief, with her asking what the plan was for the night. I told her I thought we could go to a coffee shop nearby and possibly see a movie (I realized later that the movie was too much). She said, “All right, but I have to pick up my mom from the airport and visit with her, so I’ll call you in a half hour.” Here’s the kicker, Doc -- she didn’t have my number. I reminded her of this fact and gave it to her. I felt stupid afterward, waited the half hour for her to call and then just made other plans since I knew it wasn’t happening. And of course it didn’t. So what the hell did happen? When should you call her? Thanks for your insight, Doc! Kane - who doesn’t know how he screwed up or when he should call her

doc love’s answer Hi Kane, You tell me you just had a bad incident and I sympathize with you, guy. But here’s the most important thing: IF YOU’D HAD MY BOOK AT THE TIME, YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT TO DO. So, because you continue to stall on investing in the only sound method of managing your social life, you’re floundering around and messing up legitimate opportunities with all the women you meet. As we say in sales, you’re burning good leads

because you don’t have a clue what you’re doing. In other words, you don’t know how to sell, Kane.

got the girl under pressure So, you got Scarlett’s number on a Thursday and you wanted to take her out on Saturday? Dude, right away you’re pressuring this babe, and you should be more concerned about your technique than when you should call her. You’re squeezing her and you don’t even know her. You’re setting yourself up for a fall because you’re doing a rush job. And with women you can never push hard and you can never rush. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, when you employ those tactics, you’re bound to get killed.” When should you call her? Doc Love explains... The next boo-boo you pulled was actually asking this girl on Friday for a Saturday date. This is what we call a small window of opportunity and you should have waited a week to call Scarlett for that drink. Like I said before, you’re suffocating this girl already and you haven’t even been out with her once!

locking down a maybe date Then you told Scarlett that you’d call her after you were through with work. In other words, you went ahead and set up obligations that were almost guaranteed to make everything go wrong. Think about all the wonderful possibilities, pal: What if an emergency came up and you got sucked into working later? What if your boss unloaded a new project on you and kept you there until midnight? What if he didn’t have the keys to the building? What if he didn’t show up? You get the idea. You’re trying to get a half dozen things out of the way before you even get together with Scarlett. And you don’t even have a solid date set with her. You have what I like to call a definite “maybe” date. But it gets worse. By having to deal with her mom at the airport, Scarlett is confusing the issue further by adding all her stuff to the stew. So, now the two of you have to get all these other extraneous matters out of the way before you can meet. You’ve got things to do, Scarlett’s got things to do and, as an added element, you have to remember Murphy’s Law -because Murphy is always out there lurking and waiting to screw things up even more. If you had made a date for the following Wednesday or Thursday, you would have bypassed all this junk. Now you have a mountain of clutter between the two of you.

on the road to ruin Of course Scarlett didn’t have your phone number. How could she remember something as unimportant as that with all the other litter on her mind? Whenever you go through this back

and forth stuff, something always goes wrong. To you Psych majors, you have to set a solid date with a woman far enough into the future so that nothing unexpected comes up and moves you out of that position. Kane, you were a dummy for not giving Scarlett your number when you were talking to her so she could call you back. And secondly, you should have never had her call you back because your date should have been set for a full week into the future. Now your budding relationship with this lady is nothing but a mess. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This thing was dead in the water from the beginning.” What you should have done was call Scarlett back 30 minutes later and said, “Hey, I forgot to give you my number. Are we still on?” You just don’t walk away from the situation like you did. But again, this thing was a jumble from the outset.

kane is locked in rush hour Kane, this was a rush job. You tried to do too much too soon. When you have too many events going on, you know what happens? You end up being a loser, which is uncalled for because this girl gave you her phone number, which means that you had her Interest Level up. So, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You burned a good lead, man.” Remember, guys -- when you try to rush things with a woman, you’re going to crash and burn.

Doc Love: Dealing With An Alpha Female Hey Doc, I have quite the issue: I’m seeing and dealing with an alpha female -- a woman who has to be the leader and have everything her own way -- who I have had a very committed relationship with in the past. When Sara and I got to college and she grew out of her high school ugly duckling phase, she essentially went nuts for all the attention she was getting from other guys. Having already been there myself, I realized how fake that kind of attention can be, and Sara and I broke up. Two years later we got back together. It’s now been about six months since she came crawling back for “the only person who ever really cared about her” and, once again, she’s showing signs of her alpha-female attitude by dating other guys and calling us “non-serious.” In other words, she reneged on saying how much she wants to be with me forever. I realize that while she claims to be divided within herself, I have admitted, at least to myself, that I have never been very good at dealing with an alpha female and really don’t have time to play

games. She says she doesn’t want to lose me a second time and just needs to learn to handle the attention she gets.

alpha females and their buddy time Sara creates reasons why I can’t come and hang out with her and her guy friends, despite the fact that they’re my friends as well. So, I called her bluff and said that if it were really about friendship and that she “just doesn’t get along with other girls,” it would be easy to incorporate me into her “guy-friend time” while still maintaining those friendships. Doc, is Sara scared of settling down? How can I be reasonable about her spending time with other people when I know for a fact that she’s emotionally cheating on me? How do I combat her alpha-female habits/attitudes and also keep her stimulated enough so that her alpha-female personality doesn’t get bored? Please help! Foster - who’s having trouble dealing with an alpha female

doc love’s answer Hi Foster, I’m going a little out of order here, but please bear with me. Number two: You dated this girl when she was between 18 and 22. And when you fall in love with a babe in that age range, you’re asking for trouble. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, “At that age they’re a tad flighty, grasshopper.”

you’ve been drop-kicked You guys didn’t break up; Sara dropped you. She dropped you because she wanted the attention of 500 other guys. And number one: You, with your Interest Level, didn’t mean anything to her. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “That’s part of being a girl versus being a woman.” Why did you two get back together? Here we go again: What have I told you guys a million times already? You get one chance per woman per lifetime. Foster, you and Sara are the perfect example of what happens when you try to go back when it’s over. I’d feel sorry for you if you didn’t make the same mistake again and again. Dealing with an alpha female is often a faux pursuit… Did you notice that Sara talked only about how much you care about her and she’s not talking about her wild passion for you? And all this isn’t because she’s a so-called “alpha female,” it’s because you turned her off and she has low Interest Level.

tap dancing on her ego All you guys ever want to do is rationalize the woman’s behavior. Every time a woman does something nasty to you, you make the excuse that she’s an alpha female, that she’s shy or that she’s been hurt. You always come up with a second, third or fourth reason why you got dumped, but never the FIRST, MOST IMPORTANT REASON -- which is LOW INTEREST LEVEL. This girl doesn’t dig you. And if you did leave her the first time -- which I doubt -she only came back to you because she couldn’t believe that you didn’t come crawling back to her begging like 90% of guys do when she’s in that 40% to 49% Interest Level range. Sara only told you she wanted to be with you forever to get you back because you rubbed her ego wrong. She was just playing an ego game with you, and now you have her mixed up with an alpha female -- which is really a bunch of BS. This girl is not “divided in herself” at all. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She knows exactly what she wants. She likes to run around with five or six guys at a time.” She craves attention and she has to have it. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She probably has very low self-esteem and one man will never be able to fulfill her.” You don’t stand a chance, buddy. I got news for you, Foster -- alpha females with high Interest Level don’t play games with their men. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Don’t believe me? Look at Hillary Clinton. She’s about as alpha as they come and even the fact that her husband has repeatedly cheated on her hasn’t lowered her Interest Level. And by the way, when is Sara going to learn to handle all this male attention? When she’s collecting Social Security?

she’s running with the pack Dude, why would you want to be with a girl who’s running around with your friends? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You gotta lay off the Jack Daniels, my friend. It’s warping your judgment.” Sara wasn’t bluffing you at all -- she’s dead serious. Whether she gets along with other girls or not is not an issue here. The point -- the only point -- is her Interest Level toward you. That’s all that counts. This whole thing about incorporating you into her “guy-friend time” has absolutely nothing to do with the issue of her interest in you. You have to get that straight. Sara’s not scared of settling down. As a matter of fact, she’s not scared of anything. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’s only scared of having to spend time with you, when she’d rather be with the rugby team!”

she has to like you to cheat

And she’s not cheating on you either; to cheat on you she’d have to have high Interest Level in you in the first place. Sadly, you can’t keep Sara from getting bored. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Too late, dawg. Her Interest Level crossed over into Mexico.” Remember, guys: If you don’t face reality, you’re going to end up in pain.

Doc Love: Her Choice Of Friends Hey Doc, I purchased “The System” three months ago and I love it. THANK YOU! As I read through it I had the feeling that I knew this stuff all along, but just didn’t practice it enough. The end of a long relationship is what prompted me to buy it, but I’m not going to get into that. What’s done is done. I’ve really looked objectively at dating and have used your techniques with great success, but I recently had an experience from which I’m not sure I can learn anything; I’ll just share it with you. Two months ago Farrah approached me with her phone number in hand and a smile. I really didn’t have to do much, just act confident and playful. I didn’t call her for a week and when I did, I only stated my first name and acted like she knew exactly who was calling. I kept all the conversations light and there were no weekend dates for six weeks until she insisted. Basically I had her chasing me, which was a great feeling.

abrasive like sand paper The other night, however, she called and asked if she could stop by with a friend (they were in the neighborhood). At first I told her I was tired, but then agreed to a brief visit. Her friend turned out to be one of the rudest people I’ve ever met and she immediately began questioning my intentions with Farrah: “How many girls are you dating?” “What makes you think you’re good enough to go out with Farrah?” In fact, this girl even threatened my life if I screwed up. I bit my lip and controlled my rage and said it was getting late and I was tired. The rude friend was about to leave, and Farrah asked if she could stay and if I could drive her home later. I told her it wasn’t a good idea and walked them both out. I figured I played my cards pretty well, but I was still upset that someone would have the audacity to come into my house and interrogate me. I could tell that Farrah didn’t really condone her friend’s behavior, but she didn’t make a move to stop this interrogation either. That night was such a turnoff that I pretty much wrote

Farrah off. It’s been two days, and I’m surprised she hasn’t called to apologize. I’d like to chalk this up as a learning experience, but I don’t know what I’ve learned. Does her choice of friends say anything about her? Logan - whose head is still spinning

doc love’s answer Hi Logan, You didn’t just purchase “The System,” pal, you invested in it. Because once you digest the book, everything is going to change. And you’re correct -- most of this information is lying dormant within men. They just don’t have the guts to really believe in it. But I’m going to make you a believer, especially after I give you some information on her choice of friends. Doc Love tells Logan about her choice of friends… After a flopped relationship is when guys usually come to me. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “They never think about a maintenance program. They only go to the doctor when they’re sick.” They wouldn’t think to go to the doctor ahead of time to take blood tests and ask what kinds of vitamins to take and the right foods to eat, because then they would PREVENT any potential problems. They think to themselves, “When it comes to women, I’m just going to wing it and be myself… ” until it’s too late.

in the line of fire So, Farrah chased you. The man is normally the pursuer, and you reversed the pattern. Now she’s the pursuer. Which means that you hold the all-important REJECTION CARD. Farrah passed it to you by coming straight at you. She put her ego on the line for a change. For once, the woman put her feelings in the line of fire. To you Psych majors, this is what most guys don’t understand: by using a Challenge you can actually get a woman to chase you. Agreeing to a brief visit while you were tired was a huge mistake, Logan, and I’ll tell you why. For one thing, you haven’t been with this babe long enough to be meeting her friends. You only meet her friends after you get 10 or 12 dates in. Secondly, you were tired, which means you’re not up to putting on a show. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If you’re not up to performing for a woman, you shouldn’t be around her.”

counter strike with wit When this friend of your girl started getting rude on you, you should have said, “Honey, Farrah’s my first date; I’ve never been out with anybody else.” And when she demanded to know if you were good enough to go out with her friend, you should have come back with, “You know something? I’m really not. So this will probably be our last date.” Or better yet:

“Hey, don’t get on my case; Farrah chased me!” When this wonderful acquaintance of Farrah’s threatened your life, you should have come back with, “I just love girls who beat me!” Remember, when you get browbeaten or interrogated, go straight into your one-liners and channel Jim Carrey or Vince Vaughn. But you did the right thing by not letting Farrah hang around after her friend insulted you and split.

her friend is a pig Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Farrah’s friend is a pig.” So what does that say about Farrah? Why would she bring a pig over to your house? And the fact that Farrah didn’t stop the assault is really interesting. Like my cousin General Love says, “Passive resistance doesn’t cut it on the battlefield.” Farrah should have stood up for you and said: “Listen, this guy’s been a gentleman for our first six dates, and he has manners and class. So I’d appreciate it if you stopped beating up my future boyfriend.” That’s what she should have done -- if she had Integrity. But she didn’t. So why are you waiting for Farrah to apologize for this debacle? She didn’t apologize on the spot, so why would you expect her to phone and apologize now? Here’s what you learned, Logan: You don’t meet the girlfriends at your house when you’re bushed. As far as your question goes, Farrah’s choice of friends says everything about her. But you also have to look at the possibility (10%) that she knew her girlfriend would attack you. Or (another 10%) that Farrah really wanted to find out what your intentions were and she got her friend to do it for her. In the end it’s 80% certain her friend is just a pig. Remember, guys: Never let them know they got to you.

Doc Love: Is He A Threat? Hey Doc, I’ve been following your principles for a couple of years now, but I’m at a loss for what to do in my present situation. I met my girlfriend, Crystal, two years ago, and in that time things went great and I was happy. The thing is that she has a jealous ex, Zach, and although she has told me time and again that he is just a friend, I’m a little skeptical. He is actually related to her brother-in-law

and is really close to Crystal’s family, so it’s possible she feels obligated to be nice to him. I told her a while back how I felt about this guy being in the picture, and after an incident in which he attacked one of Crystal’s friends (this friend is like her brother) in a jealous rage, I told her that I was walking if I ever heard of Zach being in her house again or if she has anything to do with him. Well, today I went over to Crystal’s house to surprise her and she seemed happy to see me. After I was invited in, I heard a man’s voice from her downstairs bathroom calling her name. She said, “Zach is here, just so you know.” I said, “I see,” then calmly asked for my things and my house key. I said, “We’re through” and walked out the door.

explanations make muddy waters I went home and found an e-mail from Crystal saying: “You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. My sister came by to visit and she had Zach with her. She wanted to go to the hospital to visit my brother-in-law and Zach didn’t want to go, so she asked if he could stay with me and I said, yes. I’m sorry you are mad at me. I could see the hurt in your eyes. I hope you will forgive me. I do love you.” So that’s where we are. I think I sent a clear message about how I felt, but before I met you, Doc, I would have given in immediately and tried to rationalize things. Whether this is innocent or not, Zach is the lowest of the low and he is dangerous. I told her I was walking if he came back into the picture, and I held true to my word. Do you think I made a mistake? Is he a threat? I really did love this girl. Leon - who’s had enough and is asking: Is he a threat?

doc love’s answer Hi Leon, One of the most important components of “The System” is a woman’s Attitude. There’s also Integrity. There’s Giving. There’s Flexibility. And the last area is called Scars and Baggage. This is where the wonderful Zach falls in the scheme of things. Leon, I don’t dig women staying in contact with their exes. Is he a threat? Yes. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she lets the old boyfriends hang around, she’s basically spitting in your face.” To me, it’s anti-Loyalty. Is he a threat? Doc Love answers Leon’s questions… If Crystal has familial obligations to Zach, she can be civil to him but she doesn’t have to be nice to him. And there is a difference, dude. In other words, when he’s around, she doesn’t

have to be there and she doesn’t ever have to be in the same house with him. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, she sure doesn’t have to let him hang around her bathroom.”

make it crystal clear Telling her that you were going to walk was the right thing to do, pal, but here’s the more curious point: Zach keeps dropping by. He’s a constant presence in Crystal’s life. How is it that two whole years went by when you were going with Crystal and this issue didn’t come up sooner? Why did it take all this time for you to bust her on it? Nevertheless, like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Congressional Medal of Honor for breaking it off with this lady.” You’ve got guts, Leon, I have to hand you that. Ninety percent of the men out there would have overlooked what happened and not done a thing to stop it. After this scene with Zach there was no reason for Crystal to explain anything. Like you said yourself, you’ve been through this already, and you told her, in no uncertain terms, what had to happen in order for your relationship to survive. What she should have done was gotten out of that house when Zach was there. Or better yet, she should never have let this guy in the front door in the first place. Period. If Zach is a maniac, if he beats people up, why is she letting him in?

crystal is transparent Here’s what Crystal should have told her sister: “Zach can’t stay here. I’ve been in love with Leon for two years and he doesn’t want Zach here and so he’s not allowed in my house.” But she didn’t do that. She didn’t even come close. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, when you came in, maybe that boy was just stepping out of the shower!” Leon, she doesn’t love you because she committed an unloving act. Zach was offlimits and she allowed him into the house. This girl is not LOYAL. Of course you would have tried to rationalize what happened between you and Crystal before you met me; like I said earlier, that’s what the vast majority of men try to do. But what happened wasn’t innocent. Crystal knew how you felt about this guy and she rationalized his presence because of her sister.

the crystal ship is sailing Crystal didn’t treat you in a loving manner and you did the right thing, and I commend you for having the courage to stand up like a real man. Again, you should have picked up on this a lot sooner and gotten rid of Crystal in the second or third month. You had two long years with this girl while this bum was hanging around -- a bum who, by the way, strikes people and is a threat.

Remember, guys: I don’t like dogs that growl and I don’t like people who growl.

Doc Love: She Contradicts Herself Hey Doc, Let me start by saying that I love my girlfriend Saskia very much. She does, however, have an issue with contradicting herself. You see, she claims that I am the only one for her, yet her actions sometimes say otherwise. And when she is called out on it, she always makes up some lame excuse to justify her actions. For example, when we first started dating, she was seeing some guy. It was nothing serious (at least that’s what she told me) and I was OK with it, seeing as though at the time we weren’t in a relationship. When we did get serious, she had a hard time letting him go. I was very calm about it and often politely asked her to stop talking to him, but she continued and would report to me every single time they talked, which made me furious. She tried to justify her actions by saying that she did not want me to get the “wrong idea” since the two of them are just friends. I saw this as even more of an insult to my intelligence because they were romantically intimate before she knew me.

she’s a walking contradiction Now this nonsense was going on for at least four months of our relationship. Finally, enough was enough and I decided to give Saskia an ultimatum: “Leave him or leave me.” She left him and we’ve been together for a year and some months now, but the same thing also happens when it comes to other issues. She hems and haws before she says she’s going to do something, and then she doesn’t follow through. We often argue about her communication skills and how she’s not open enough with me, and she justifies it by saying that she just wants me to like her. So, my question is this: Why does she contradict herself? Why did it take all that time for me to get her to dump her ex when she claimed she loved me so much? I hope you understand what I am saying. This is the first girl I’ve ever been in a relationship with and I want it to stay that way. Please help me because everyone else thinks I’m crazy. Gavin - who sometimes feels scammed when she contradicts herself

doc love’s answer Hi Gavin,

I know you love Saskia very much. The question is this: How much does she love you? Because that’s all that counts, man. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If I saw her, I’d probably love her too.” What do her actions say? Do they say, “I love Gavin so much I can hardly stand it?”

liar, liar, pants on fire So, Saskia has an issue with contradicting herself. I’m shocked! A woman who contradicts herself? I’ve never heard of such a thing! She says one thing and does another, huh? Gavin, this reminds me of that old story in which Mrs. H takes her son Bruce to a psychiatrist. When the doctor asks what’s wrong with the boy, Mrs. H says: “Well, he’s always saying things that aren’t true. What do you think the problem is?” And the psychiatrist ponders for a moment and answers, “Your kid is a liar!” Maybe that’s Saskia’s problem too. Doc Love tells Gavin what to do when she contradicts herself... Here’s what you have to ask yourself: “Is this the only thing wrong with Saskia? How often does it happen?” And, most important of all, “Will I be able to live with it?” Some guys can live with the downside of a particular female, some can’t. The whole idea behind “The System” is to identify the negative traits in a woman to see whether or not you can live with them.

wrestling with a double standard OK, Saskia was seeing a guy and she claims it wasn’t serious. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If it wasn’t serious, then why was she seeing him at all?” You mean she was having a casual relationship with a guy while going with you? She’s got some racket going, buddy. It’s really funny how a guy is a “player” when he has two or more girlfriends, but when a girl does the same thing, she’s just confused and wants to have friends. So much for hypocrisy, right? But here’s the most important point: If Saskia had a hard time letting this other guy go, you shouldn’t have gotten serious with her. To you Psych majors: You don’t get serious until the other guy is GONE -- for good. Sadly, most guys give away the store and go along with all kinds of stuff that drives them crazy, and then they try to take their power back. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s too late when the horse is already out of the barn, boy!” Nevertheless, you talked about the whole thing with her. Gavin, you NEVER talk about other guys with your girlfriend. And remember, anytime you ask a woman to do something, she’s going to do the opposite. Are you sure you got my book?

a gutless volunteer

Saskia hung on to this other guy because you didn’t have the guts to walk out on her. Of course you were furious when she talked about him constantly, but I bet she didn’t talk to him about you because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And Gavin, please -- they’re not exfriends, they’re ex-lovers. Your tussle over the ex went on for a long time -- and you went along with it. Remember, like my cousin General Love says, “There are no victims -- there are just volunteers.” You gave Saskia an ultimatum? What were you thinking, Gavin? Ultimatums only work on women who have an Interest Level that is 95%. And, ironically, you don’t have to give them an ultimatum! You can’t force an ultimatum on a woman who has a low Interest Level, because you know what she’ll say? She’ll say, “So what?”

deal with it Saskia doesn’t have communication problems -- she has telling-the-truth problems. I want you to be with a self-reliant, honest woman, pal, not someone who just talks and talks and talks and it’s just a bunch of hot air. When Saskia says she wants you to like her, it’s Womanese for she wants you to put up with her inconsistencies and the fact that every time she says something it has nothing to do with reality. You got a big problem here, guy. Hey, as a modern male you have to loosen up and be more understanding. Uh, right. This woman continues to contradict herself because that’s the way she’s built. It took her all that time to dump the other guy because she has a low Interest Level in you. And here’s something else to think about; you don’t know if she’s e-mailing her ex behind your back. She might still be in contact with him, but just shuts up about it when it comes to you.

blinded by “love” I understand that you want Saskia to be your only relationship, Gavin, but she’s a kook. You don’t really want to be stuck with a loon, do you? Like my cousin Brother Love over in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, the world is tough enough as it is!” You’re not crazy, my friend; you just have a high Interest Level in Saskia and you have no idea what’s going on in the relationship. Other than that, you’re doing great! Remember, guys: If she can’t follow through on what she promises, you have to ask yourself why you’re with her.

Doc Love: Roommate Romance

Hey Doc, I’ve been a follower of your work for more than three years. I’ve memorized “The System,” keep up with your weekly articles and I even watch old Cary Grant movies. I can’t tell you what a huge difference your words have made for me, both with women and in everyday life. This stuff is golden, Doc. I recently graduated from college and took a job in another city. A female friend asked me to live with her and another female friend, Rhia, whom I had only met a couple times before. Since I didn’t know anyone in the city, I agreed. Rhia and I found roommate romance right away, and my use of your principles has kept her Interest Level rising for the past few months. I reveal information about myself to Rhia in small doses and I usually try to steer the conversation toward her and to ask the right questions. She recently said, “I feel like you know a lot about me and I know nothing about you.” She regularly tries to ask me personal questions, but I stick to “The System” and reply with witty comments, playful jokes or my best Cary Grant impression.

she sees the future I realize that lots of couples live together, but usually after one or more years of dating. Your techniques say to take your time, but there was no way to see this roommate romance coming when I agreed to live with these girls. I work full time and Rhia is a student, so we’re not together during weekdays, but we do see each other just about every evening. Rhia usually asks me to watch a movie, go for a run, or whatever, and she has even picked up some of my interests in order to spend more time with me. Rhia and I have a lot of fun together, even when we’re doing less-than-exciting things. After a few months, it’s just getting better between us. She regularly talks about the future and what we should do together and she has also brought up the possibility of moving past this roommate romance and officially dating. We’ve kept our feelings about each other to ourselves and our other roommate doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m doing my best to take it slow and stay a Challenge.

she has soaring interest level Doc, Rhia’s Interest Level is through the roof; however, there are lots of potential land mines in this situation. I don’t want to give up on a good thing just because of our living arrangement, especially with her Interest Level hovering around 90%. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Franz - who’s stuck in a very tricky situation

doc love’s answer Hi Franz, Thank you very much for the compliment about my work. What you point out is what a lot of men don’t realize: “The System” is not just about asking Caprice for her home phone number -- my techniques carry over into every other area of your life. You’ll see positive results not only in your personal life, but also in your business endeavors, and if you absorb my principles, you will be a more confident man in general.

all “systems” go The fact that Rhia knows nothing about you and you know all about her is the way it should be, dude. It means that you have the advantage. Of course you always have to remember that she holds the rejection card, but keep doing what you’re doing, Franz, and you’re going to be all right. At least for the time being you’ve got the upper hand -- the trick is to keep it. Doc Love guides Franz through his roommate romance… The witty comments, clever jokes and Cary Grant impressions are also wonderful -- and they’re what you’re going to still be doing after 45 years of marriage, pal, because like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What got her, keeps her.”

become the hunted It’s likewise great that you’re having all kinds of fun together. Also, always make sure that it’s Rhia who asks you to do stuff and not the other way around. The point is to make sure that you keep this girl constantly chasing you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If she’s constantly pursuing you, she can’t be thinking of rejecting you.” The one thing you don’t mention here, Franz, is how old this girl is. You do say, however, that she’s a student, which leads me to believe that she’s within the dangerous age bracket of 18 to 22. If you’ve read my materials, you know what I say about girls in that age range. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If they’re not loons, they don’t even know what’s in their own minds.” So watch your own Interest Level and keep it under control, buddy.

she has a crystal ball Picking up the interests of the man is what a Flexible Giver does when she has high Interest Level. The fact that you guys are having a great time even when you’re doing less-thanexciting things is extremely important. Know why? Because it means that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing with this girl for her to want to be with you. It means that she has high Interest Level in you, not in how much money you’re spending on her. You can be peeling potatoes or walking your dog and it wouldn’t make any difference to her because she’s

interested in you for you. When you go out with a mercenary, all she’s concerned with is whether you’re going to the best restaurant in town and whether she’s going to be able to order the lobster francaise or the filet mignon. It’s fantastic that Rhia talks about the future. Usually the opposite is true; it’s the guys who always want to talk about the future. Guys always want to yak about things, thinking that this is going to entice the woman to want to stay with him. What he doesn’t realize is that this makes him a boring pushover. It’s so much better if she does the talking about the future because, again, she’s the one holding the rejection card. And while she’s talking about all the great activities you two should be doing in the future, the last thing on her mind is getting rid of you.

keep your foot off the gas So, what you’re going to do here, Franz, is not “officially date.” You’re going to keep this thing with Rhia at status quo until she’s going absolutely nuts. Keep in mind that you have another roommate with whom you have to contend and like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Hopefully she ain’t no Blocker.” Franz, if Rhia is truly a keeper, you might want to think about moving out of that house. The point is just to test her. Watch her reaction when you tell her you’re going to move. To you Psych majors, what you’re really doing is checking to see whether she goes berserk at the thought of you being away from her. If she says, “Oh, no -- please don’t leave me, Franz,” then you know you’re in good shape. Remember, guys: If you’re a Challenge, she’ll never want to leave you.

Doc Love: Getting Over Her Hey Doc, I want to say that I’ve been a fan of your weekly letters for some time and applaud what you have created. Finally, men have the tools to succeed with women. Despite all the wisdom I’ve acquired, there is one problem I’m still having, which is getting over her. As typical as it seems, I really have no idea what to do or how to stop it. Here’s the situation: About a year ago this summer, I was finishing my last semester in college, which was a studyabroad program. The group I was traveling with was very small and consisted mostly of women. There were some very attractive females and I was able to get the one who captivated me, thanks to what I learned from “The System.”

she's like a dude in sexy chick clothing Her name was Cerise, and she wasn’t like most of the women I had dated in the past. She could be called the “Gaming Girl” because she was heavily into Japanese animation, video games, role playing, etc. These are interests I also hold, by the way. Cerise was extremely beautiful, talented in art, and had many other qualities that blew me away. In the back of my mind I always knew this was nothing more than a summer fling at best, and I tried to enjoy it for what it was. It turned out that I was wrong. Gradually, things started becoming more serious between us. We saw each other every weekend up until she had to leave the country because she was studying abroad for another year. We naturally tried a long-distance relationship that worked for a while, but it seemed we didn’t have time for each other. The breakup was mutual, and for about three months we stayed in communication as friends, but even that died down.

always on my mind Being back on the market, I started to date around, but I was always thinking of Cerise. I even had dreams about her. Doc, I need to know what this is all about. Am I just caught up in old memories of someone I cared for deeply? If so, what’s the key to getting over her and moving on with my life? Thanks in advance and keep up the good work. Mikey - who is very confused and having trouble getting over her

doc love’s answer Hi Mikey, It was fantastic that your study group consisted mostly of women. This is exactly what you want! To you Psych majors, get yourself into some activity where most of the other people involved are of the female persuasion. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “There ain’t nothin’ better than bein’ the only rooster in the henhouse!”

she moved on before you set sail You’re very lucky that you had the same interests as Cerise; not only were you attracted to her, but you also had things in common, which most people don’t -- even when they get married. And it’s also nice that this girl had all these great qualities that you admired, but you have to remember something: she’s EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL and that means that every guy in the world is after her. So, you’d better be armed with powerful weapons when you prepare to do battle with this dangerous creature. Like my cousin General Love says, “With a

Beautiful Woman, you’ll always be operating from a position of weakness.” Doc Love gives Mikey more “getting over her” tips… Mikey, not being content to accept this relationship for what it really was -- just a summer fling -- was your big mistake. You and Cerise were from different countries and you were inevitably going to part. Guys think they can control their emotions when they hook up with women who are just going to be around for a couple months; I’ve got news for you -- you can’t. You might (if you have some Self-Control) be able to control your mouth when your emotions prod you to say something stupid, but you cannot control your emotions.

sexy women will break you Some guys I know in Las Vegas used to date exotic dancers. I warned them that those girls were trouble, but their response was, “Well, we’re just going out for a fun time; no way we’re getting serious with these babes.” After three or four months, they found themselves falling in love with the dancers. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you don’t watch yourself with a certain type of woman, you’ll find yourself broke or dead.” The point is that you have to know with whom you’re falling in love and you better make sure that she’s going to be around if you’re going to let yourself get involved. So, when you found out that Cerise would be studying abroad for another year, right then and there you should have told her: “Have a good time, honey. If you ever move to my town, give me a call.”

the 35 mile rule Of course it petered out between you and this girl. Like I always tell you guys, when you date someone, you can only be 25 to 35 miles away from her -- max. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Distance is a deal-breaker.” Now wait a minute here. You say that this breakup was mutual? Dude, breakups are never mutual. One party always leaves the other, and odds are that Cerise left you since Beautiful Women never get dumped. And why would you want to remain friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with? You could be friendly with her, but why be friends? It’s a waste of time, which is why that crapped out too. This goes to prove the old Chinese proverb: “Out of sight; out of mind. Grasshopper!” You were always obsessing about Cerise because she got your Interest Level way up into the 80s and then she got rid of you indirectly. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The dreams you’re having are just your ego working against you.”

find a rebound

What’s it all about? Well, Mikey, you’re a human being, not a robot. And yep, you’re just caught up in old memories of someone you had a deep connection to once upon a time. The saddest part is that you and Cerise started out from the same place. You thought you could keep it light, but you ended up falling in love with someone who was going to disappear. So, this thing was dead from the beginning. Let me say it again: WASTE OF TIME. How do you get over Cerise and get on with your life? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, memorize Doc’s principles and find a replacement!” Remember, guys: If they’re going to move away, don’t fall in love.

Doc Love: Giving Mixed Signals Hey Doc, I’ve got a problem with my girlfriend and I need your help. Jewel and I met at work a year ago. We casually chatted and got along quite well. After we attended an office party together I called her and we started dating. However, although I knew I had an Interest Level in her at the beginning, I wasn’t as sure about hers. I knew she had recently gotten out of a relationship and at the time I came into the picture she seemed to put up almost a psychological “wall” to prevent me from getting too close. I got the impression she was interested in me, but didn’t want to get too close because she seemed almost afraid of getting hurt.

time equals decay We kept dating and always had a good time together. I figured that the more she got to know me, the more comfortable she would become. However, I didn’t pursue her hard enough and she was sending me mixed signals. So, after seeing her for the first time in a couple of weeks, I decided to find out where I stood. She said that she thought I was giving her a “friend” vibe and was totally confused. She also said that there was a time when she had an Interest Level of 71% in me, but because I didn’t come on strong enough she lost interest and now has an Interest Level of 0% as she has met someone else. This “someone else” and Jewel have only hung out like once or twice and now she says there is no chemistry between us at all. I told her that I thought she was giving me mixed signals. I was fed up and I said that although I did like her I thought it would be better if we never saw each other again. She said that the ball was in my court if I wanted to get together with her as a friend. I don’t know if she’s trying to make me jealous, just playing mind games or why her Interest Level dropped that much. What should I do? And who’s giving mixed signals?

Neal - who doesn’t get where she’s coming from or who’s giving mixed signals

doc love’s answer Hi Neal, You cozied up to Jewel at an office party? You showed your boss that you were dating this girl? What if he was after her? Did you think of that? You don’t date a woman at work, and you don’t do a group date, which is what an office party is. You made big mistakes right out of the chute.

a mixed bag of denial Before we get to who was giving mixed signals, let me explain why you weren’t sure about Jewel at the beginning. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s because she wasn’t giving you any buying signals, my son.” So you actually were sure, Neal. You just didn’t know what to look for. Don’t fret over Jewel getting bounced out of her last relationship. Odds are 90% that she dropped the guy, so he’s feeling all the pain, not her. And don’t flatter yourself, Neal, Jewel didn’t put a wall up to keep you out -- she simply had a low Interest Level in you. Giving mixed signals is the least of Neal’s concerns… You guys kill me. You never call the major factor in these breakups what it really is -- LOW INTEREST LEVEL. You always have to tell yourself and everybody else that she’s shy, delicate, that she’s been hurt or some other phony excuse when the truth is that she just isn’t interested in you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she just got dumped by someone and George Clooney came along and wanted to date her, do you think she’d put up a wall?” Hell, she’d be tearing down every wall in sight to let him in.

chasing a vixen So, Jewel wasn’t afraid of getting hurt. Her Interest Level was only 55%, and that was the problem. Sure, you kept dating her, but were you kissing her on the second, third and fourth date or was she turning her head? And as far as her “comfort” goes, we’re not worried about comfort level, Neal; we’re worried about Interest Level! You’re looking at the wrong thing, guy. What do you mean you weren’t pursuing her hard enough? When a woman is giving mixed signals, you’re not supposed to pursue her harder -- YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BACK OFF. Now, let me get this straight: You didn’t date this girl for over two weeks in a row? When that

happens, you’re out, dude. It’s over. Please don’t think Jewel was confused. Women are NEVER EVER confused. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Anytime they use that word, it means they have low Interest Level in you and they have another guy on the side.” That’s what “confused” really means. Whenever you see the words “afraid of getting hurt” or “shy” you have to substitute the phrase Low Interest Level and then suddenly the situation will make perfect sense. To you Psych majors, you have to stop rationalizing for these women who screw with your head.

killing interest level I’ll explain something else to you. When a woman has an Interest Level of 71% and you back off, her Interest Level will shoot through the roof. The way to kill an Interest Level of 71% is to pursue her too hard. Pressure lowers Interest Level and backing off increases Interest Level. These are basic tenets of “The System.” You should have known them, pal. And if you had studied my materials a little harder, you’d have avoided this mess. Jewel and her new squeeze have only hung out once or twice? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s Womanese for they’ve been making out in the back of his car for three hours every time they get together.” This babe’s Interest Level was never above 55%. The chemistry between you and Jewel went from 55% to 35%, buddy. So she wasn’t giving you mixed signals; like I said earlier, she was giving you low Interest Level signals. And that’s what mixed signals really mean. By the way, I have no doubt that you were fed up with her -- two months too late. So, you pulled the old ultimatum trip on Jewel? You told a girl who has no Interest Level in you whatsoever -- by her own admission! -- that you don’t want to see her again? Oh, she’ll be positively suicidal now! You should have told Jewel that her idea for being friends was great and that you’d call her next week. Then you should have gone and flushed her number.

no more head trips Don’t worry about Jewel playing mind games with you: Your problem is her low Interest Level, which was never all that high. You had a chance for a while there to push it up and you never did. Why? Because you didn’t memorize my principles. What should you do now? Study, study, study! Or move to Mongolia and forget women altogether. Remember, guys: When you don’t get where she’s coming from, that means she’s coming from a ZERO Interest Level.

Doc Love: Asking For A Relationship Hey Doc, To start things off, let me tell you about myself. I’m a 6-foot-3-inch, 240-pound, 21-year-old junior attending a private college in Virginia. I’m intelligent and a pretty outgoing person, but I keep my conversations light because I don’t like letting people into my world unless I’m good and ready. The problem I’m having is that I constantly find myself going out with a girl for three or four weeks before being told something along these lines: “I think you’re an awesome person, but I just want to stay friends.” I get this response when I am asking for a relationship.

old-fashioned strategies In my most recent experience, the girl told me she found me attractive, gave every sign that she was interested in me, and even told me we connected very well. We had already been on five dates when I asked to advance the relationship and that’s when I got rejected; it’s not like I’m jumping the gun and asking for a relationship too early. I held off kissing this girl because I figured the longer I waited, the more likely she would want to kiss me and it would strengthen her attraction for me. Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Please help me. Xavier - who’s at the end of his rope when it comes to asking for a relationship

doc love’s answer Hi Xavier, Wow. You must be some physical specimen, pal, especially if your waist is a tight and taut 34 inches. If it’s 42 inches or above, you’re not a football player or a bodybuilder, Xavier -you’re just plain fat. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy ain’t gonna help you attract babes, paisan. That’s half your problem, right there.” So, let’s hope that you’re at least in decent shape and not just a bunch of large measurements.

keep it light, stay mysterious On the other hand, keeping your conversations light is a fantastic quality, so you’re doing something right. More men should cultivate that ability. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love

from East L.A. says, “The sooner you can learn to keep your trap shut about what goes on in your private life, the better off you are.” Or like my cousin General Love puts it, “Whatever comes out of your mouth can be used as cannon fodder.” Asking for a relationship is an easy way to smother the spark… You simply cannot believe how many people out there are jealous or envious, and if they ever have the slightest chance, they’re going to knife you right in the back. This is especially true at college or on the job -- good for you, Xavier, for knowing enough to keep you to yourself. And I hope you’re remembering to be funny as well as light.

impress someone, putz Now, let’s take a look at your problem. First, all these girls you’re dating are giving you three to four weeks to show them something -- and you’re not doing it. You’re not selling them. You’re not increasing their Interest Level, which is what you’re supposed to be doing; you’re doing the opposite and lowering it. So, you’re obviously doing something very wrong. Second, you NEVER, EVER ask a girl for a relationship. She’s supposed to ask YOU for a relationship, dude. That’s the whole idea of Challenge. The fact that she has to come TOWARD you is what gives you balance in the relationship. What’s happening to you, Xavier, in salesman’s vernacular, is that you’re blowing all your leads. And you’re landing some great ones, man. You’re getting the chance to go out on three or four dates with these honeys, but for some reason you’re not able to sell them. You’re only lasting three or four outings, and in that time you’re not closing the deal, which is what my book teaches you how to do. In fact, with each shot you take, you’re going in the opposite direction.

getting smacked around Of course you got smacked down when you asked to advance the relationship; you were pushing too hard and a request like that just proves it. You tell me that you’re not jumping the gun with any of these girls, but I don’t know that to be the truth at all because you’re not giving me enough information to go on. For instance, you don’t tell me whether you’re waiting a week to call these girls. Are you asking them out for Sunday through Thursday like you’re supposed to? Are you creating a mysterious persona that attracts and keeps a female interested in you? You’ve got to give me more evidence to evaluate. Since you’re flopping with every babe, my guess is that you’re all over them and that will do nothing to further your cause, as you’d know if you read my book. Those tactics -- smothering and pushing -- will only make you look like a desperate loser. Worse, you’re no doubt dealing

with the 18- to 22-year-old ding-dongs in college. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That there’s the most dangerous territory when it comes to females.”

kissin’ time One more thing: By your own admission, you’re not kissing these women at the end of every date. To you Psych majors, it’s a half-truth that waiting to kiss a girl will ratchet up her attraction to you. The entire point of kissing a girl after a date is to test her to see whether she already has existing Interest Level in you. Xavier, from all of the above blunders you’re committing, I can tell that you don’t have my materials. Until you get and memorize them, you’re going to continue to go through this frustrating cycle of abject failure. You’ll go on being an unhappy guy. So, you have to put in the effort to transform yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Everybody wants to be different, but nobody wants to change.” Here’s your choice, my friend: Memorize my book or transfer to a monastery and give up on women altogether. Remember, guys: Without my materials, you don’t stand a chance.

Doc Love: She Flirts With Other Guys Hey Doc, This question comes from a personal experience that, in my opinion, is not dealt with fully in “The System.” You've stated that if a woman flirts with other guys the relationship is actually over. And if she flirts with other guys, her Interest Level has plummeted and the writing's on the wall. What if the woman repeatedly (over a period of months, and at work) flirts with only one other man, tells you about it, swears that she has no intention of taking it any further than “play flirting,” but admits she has always found herself attracted to him and that she gets a schoolgirl giddiness out of it even after months of this “playing?”

getting her kicks How can a man determine whether his woman is truly just “playing” in a single, ongoing flirtation to indulge her need for kicks or if she is just hanging on to her current boyfriend until she can set up a new dating situation with the object of her play flirting? Too complicated? Anyway, it happened to one other buddy before it happened to me with my

girlfriend, Serena. Thanks for your great work, but I don't think that getting dates is all we should focus on; we also need to know when to stop dating a particular woman and how to acquire perspective, right? Dawson - who needs to know how to handle it when his girl flirts with other guys

doc love’s answer Hi Dawson, Before we get into your problem, let me ask you a question: Why is that you don’t come to me and say, “You know, Doc, this topic is probably covered in your book, but I wasn’t able to see it. Would you please help me out? Would you please help me to understand better?”

insulting the teacher In other words, when you’re asking for free advice from a coach, rather than say it’s not dealt with -- when, in fact, it is dealt with in my book, and in considerable depth -- why don’t you approach with hat in hand, be humble and show a little graciousness? The point is, Dawson, that I really don’t care about your opinion. You should see all the letters I get from guys saying that I’ve changed their lives -- and not only in the area of dating women. This obtuseness tells me that you probably just read the Dating Dictionary once -- and lightly at that. And like I’ve told you guys many times before, unless you read it 20 times, you’re not going to get it. When she flirts with other guys, even for fun, it’s still flirting, pal… Let’s look at your situation anyway. You quote me as saying that it’s over if your girl flirts with another man. Perfect! You hit it right on the head. It’s possible that Serena has high Interest Level in you, but that she’s untrustworthy. Do you want to live with a woman you can’t trust? Or she might have high Interest Level in you, but one man isn’t enough for her, so she has to flirt with other guys because she’s needy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Do you really want a babe who’d rather be with the rugby team than you?”

sold! to the sucker in back I have to hand it to your girl, Dawson. She sold you some story. In fact, it was so good that she should win a Salesperson Of The Year Award for telling you up front that she’s flirting with a guy at work, but that it’s only “play flirting” and it doesn’t mean a thing. And the sad part is that you bought it. Dawson, I got news for you: Play-flirting is still flirting. I don’t care what word Serena puts in

front of “flirting,” it’s still the same thing. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If it looks like a snake, and hisses like a snake, by golly, it’s a snake!” On top of it, she came right out and told you that she’s attracted to the other guy. Wow, man - what more do you need? Somehow because she puts the word “play” in front of it you act like you don’t even know what the word “flirting” means. This babe is flirting with someone she’s obviously got the hots for and you’re distorting it into an example of her not flirting. Uh -- come again?

she’s an attention whore Serena’s either flirting or she’s not flirting -- that’s all there is to it. You’re trying to find another alternative here and there just isn’t one. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It is what it is.” Now, regarding whether or not she’s just playing head games or trying to set another guy up to start dating him, think of it this way: You’re strolling down the beach with Serena and some dude comes up to her and starts telling her how beautiful she is. Instead of saying thanks for the compliment, but you’re coming on to me and I already have a boyfriend, she laps up all the attention like a starving cat while you’re off buying the Coca-Colas. Why? Because like I said, one guy isn’t enough for her. Complicated? It isn’t complicated at all, Dawson. It’s actually very simple. What you’re doing is RATIONALIZING your girl’s actions. And like I just said, it is what it is. Hey, guy, this kind of thing happens to lots of buddies. What does that have to do with anything? Your mess is just one more example of a guy rationalizing a female’s behavior and how twisted the rationalizing can become. You’re willing to do anything to try and keep Serena. Worse, you’re willing to do anything to not face the reality of the situation. To you Psych majors: In the beginning you have to focus only on dates. When it comes to the opposite sex, you’re only in the first grade, Dawson. You can’t earn a doctorate until you’ve gone through every grade to get there. You will eventually grow into a man and you’ll learn about the long-term and the maintenance program to keep a woman in love with you, but only after you take the first baby steps.

knowledge is power Dude, you skimmed my book once. It hasn’t sunk in yet. I’ve packed 35 years' worth of experience and thousands of interviews with women onto the pages of that book. You haven’t absorbed all of this wisdom by a long shot. You’ve only just scratched the surface and you’ve got a long, long way to go. Just do everything I say, don’t think and don’t cherry pick. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, I have to wonder: Were you born yesterday?” Dawson, you’ve got to go over and over and over my book, otherwise you’ll never get it. The

reality is that the book goes far beyond just getting dates. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “If you heed the Word, you will get to the Promised Land.” Remember, guys: If she needs to flirt with someone else, you don’t want to be her boyfriend.

Doc Love: Her Ex Obsessions Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your columns quite regularly and I love your work. I have a question that I don’t believe you’ve ever addressed. I’ve been dating Renata for several months now. We’ve generally had a good relationship all that time. I’m in love with her, so I hope you can shed some light on one problem area that has been very perplexing. Here it is: Renata keeps pictures of her past loves and flings -- they’re now just friends -hanging on the walls of her apartment and, I’ve just discovered, hidden away as well. She keeps these pictures up as if the guys are members of her family -- father, brother, cousin, etc. I’ve not said anything to her about these mementos, but the truth is that they bother me enormously. Do you think Renata should destroy them? Am I within proper bounds to ask her to do so?

a haunting past Here’s another part of the problem: Renata’s male friends also make suggestive comments to her, and sometimes call her drunk late at night. Does that seem right to you? Doc, should I feel bothered by this? Do these things mean anything? I'm asking you -- no, I’m begging you -- for some response. I really love Renata and don't want to ruin what we have. Please help or point me to someone who might give me some insight and an outside view. Ponce - who’s starting to lose it

doc love's answer Hi Ponce, Actually I have addressed your problem, but you haven’t been able to carry the principle over from situation to situation in your own dating life. I might not have necessarily talked about your situation in terms of “photos of exes on the walls” per se, but I have definitely addressed any complaint you might have had with any woman at any time. You’re just not seeing it right

now. Ponce, the best thing you can do is buy the Dating Dictionary -- then commit it to memory. You mention that you and Renata had a “generally” good relationship. What the heck does that mean? “Generally” certainly doesn’t sound at all like “spectacular,” which is what your relationship should have been all along. And the point is not whether you’re in love with Renata, Ponce. The vastly more important question is whether Renata’s in love with you. When you read my book you know that we never talk about male Interest Level. Now I know for sure you haven’t memorized my materials.

picture perfect OK, let’s talk about this gallery of men Renata keeps in her apartment. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Are you sure she has enough walls in her place for all those pictures?” Not only that, but she’s got another stash hidden away. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Oh, so besides rubbing your face in all her past conquests, she’s also a sneak!” Is that what you’re trying to say here? Hey, all these fellows probably are members of her family -- did you ever think of that? Her ex obsessions could mean the end of the relationship for Ponce... No, you shouldn’t have said anything to Renata about all her mementos and souvenirs. However, it should bother you enormously that she maintains a shrine to all the other men in her life. Do I think Renata should destroy all these pictures? Yes -- but the problem is that she loves these guys more than she loves you, my friend. No, you’re not within proper bounds in telling her to destroy them. Ninety percent of all guys would order her to do just that, of course, and she’d accuse them of being jealous and possessive. I can just hear her now: “Oh, don’t be silly! They’re just old boyfriends and it’s all over and you know that I love you.” In other words, you’d be hearing the Womanese canned pitch of the year!

drunk dial = dump her To boot, all of Renata’s exes add a little something to their photos -- they call her up drunk in the middle of the night and make lewd comments. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “The girls always get prettier at closing time!” No, this behavior of hers doesn’t seem right to me at all -- but Renata allows it. She doesn’t say to her old beaus, “Please don’t call me when you’re drunk. In fact, please don’t call me at all because I’m in love with Ponce. Thank you.” No, those words will never come out of her fat, beautiful, bee-stung lips. What does that tell you, man? Think about it.

she's in love with her past not you

Should you feel bothered by what’s going on at Renata’s apartment? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Well, only if you’re into monogamy, dawg!” So yes, these things mean a ton; and what they mean is that your girlfriend is in love with her past and not you, who happens to be in her present. I know that you don’t want to ruin what you have with Renata, Ponce, but I’ve got news for you: You don’t have anything. That’s your problem. When you say “we,” what you really mean is you and her -- and the entire National Football League. I’m sorry to say there’s no one else who’s going to do you any good, Ponce. I’m the only love doctor on the face of the planet who's helping you guys. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The rest of these charlatans are handing you nothing but a bunch of half-truths, which further compounds your misery.”

picture perfect ending Here’s the solution to your dilemma, buddy: As soon as you walked into Renata’s apartment the very first time and saw those 147 pictures up on the walls (excluding the other 300 that she has hidden down in the vaults of the credit union) you should have said to her, “You know, honey, the last girl I dropped had a wall like this.” And when she said, “Oh, yeah,” you should have said ,“Yeah,” then turned and marched straight out of the house -- forever. And you wouldn’t have had to worry about her calling you back because she doesn’t want to give up her prized photo collection. However, it’s too late to do anything now, Ponce. You didn’t walk out when you had the chance. No, you let Renata get away with making a fool out of you. Remember, guys: If she lives in the past with her exes, you will never have a chance with her in the future.

Doc Love: She's Lukewarm

Hey Doc, I’m having mixed feelings about Ingrid, who I’ve been interested in for the past few months. I was wondering if you could help me. Here’s the story: Ingrid and I used to work together, and after I got to know her we began talking more and more. She has a friendly personality with everyone, and made a point of being very cordial to me when I put out very little effort, since I’m usually on the reserved side. One day, she told

me that she wanted me to come along to a staff party with her, which I did, along with some other people. We had a good time and I called her a few days later and we got together for coffee. Later, I invited her to a small party I was having. She always stops by my apartment and sometimes even ditches her friends to come by and see me. It felt like she was doing a lot of work to get to know me, often sending me random text messages and coming over to my place, where she’d sometimes stay past 2 a.m. talking. Even though all these things seem like signs of interest, I didn’t want to jump the gun, knowing that she has a lot of guy friends. I’ve noticed that when we talk she really keeps the conversation focused on her. But I still enjoy her company, though, and have mentioned that I would like for us to casually date.

she has issues But Ingrid has lots of issues as a result of having a 4-year-old son whose father died unexpectedly a couple of years ago. She’s only dated a couple of people since and not with much success. She said that she was “semi-casually interested” in dating me, but I believe she has insecurity issues as a result of all the things that have happened to her that have nothing to do with me. She often brings the conversation back to old boyfriends and was almost shocked when I informed her I never speak with anyone I used to date. So I believe Ingrid has many unresolved issues and that she doesn’t want to get hurt. Doc, what should I do? Ivor - who wants to know how to get things moving

doc love’s answer Hi Ivor, When you tell me you have mixed feelings about Ingrid, what you’re really saying is that she’s got mixed feelings about you. Know why? Because you’re picking up mixed signals from her. Let me just point out that by being on the reserved side, you’re naturally being a Challenge, which is a good thing. On the other hand, going to the staff party with Ingrid and a bunch of other people was a group date, which you should know by now, if you’ve read my material, is a no-no. What you should have said to her was this: “I’m busy that night, but give me your home phone number and we’ll make it some other time.” Doc tells you what to do when she’s lukewarm…

here’s what you should’ve done…

Having coffee with a woman should be the first date. But you blew that, Ivor. You already replaced what should have been your first date with a party. At that point you should have gone out on a real date with Ingrid rather than just a coffee date and you should have tried to kiss her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That way you would have found out if she just wants to be your sister.” Then you threw your little soiree -- another group date. And another mistake. Dude, you can’t sell 10 people in a room -- you can only sell one. That’s why you don’t do group dates until you get 10 or 12 dates in with a babe and she’s already your designated girlfriend.

she’s just your pal Ingrid shouldn’t have had the right to drop by your apartment because, here again, she’s coming off as nothing but a friend. You should be dating this girl, man. You’re not in the dating mode with her; you’re just in the friendship or girlfriend mode with her. She shouldn’t be ditching her friends to come and see you; she should be ditching them to go out on a date with you where you’re kissing her at the end of the night. Sure, she’s doing a lot of work to get to know you -- as a pal. And you shouldn’t have let Ingrid hang around your place at two in the morning. You should have thrown her out a lot sooner. She shouldn’t be hanging at your pad until after she’s your girlfriend. Or better yet, until after she asks to be your girlfriend.

she’s not showing interest I've got news for you, Ivor. All the things Ingrid has been doing aren’t necessarily signs of interest. You don’t want to jump the gun with her? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re not even in the same country where the gun is!” You mean to tell me that Ingrid’s so interested in you that all she talks about is herself? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Yeah, that’s a real great buying signal!” Ivor, I have to say that’s a new one on me. I’ve never heard of that one. Maybe we should call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!? Nevertheless, you still want to casually date this self-centered beauty. Wait a minute here. Dating is never “casual.” Those two words don’t go together -- ever. When Ingrid says that she dated without much success before meeting you, it means in Womanese that she went out with a bunch of turkeys and dropped them all. And she’s “semicasually” interested in you. What a statement. Wow, man -- could she be any less interested in you? Of course the bad things that happened to Ingrid don’t have anything to do with you. I’ve said this a million times already, but I’ll repeat it one more time: The only thing that counts is her

Interest Level in you. Nothing else. And so far I don’t see her asking you out, I don’t see her cooking dinner for you, and I don’t see her trying to kiss you. What does that tell you, Ivor? So you don’t talk to anyone you used to date? Finally, you came out with something tough! That was great, buddy. That is, of course, unless your exes cut off all communication with you.

you’re a gal pal How do you know Ingrid doesn’t want to get hurt? You’re not a psychiatrist. You don’t have 13 sheepskins hanging on your wall. So where did you come up with that idea? How about she just has low Interest Level in you? Look at it this way: What do you think she’d do if Colin Farrell wanted to take her out tonight? Do you think she’d be too emotionally devastated to go out with him? What should you do? You have to learn how to date, my friend. Because it’s obvious you don’t know how. All you know how to do is be a gal pal. Remember, guys: If you want to be successful in dating, you have to utilize “The System” and not become her girlfriend.

Doc Love: Giving Up On Marriage Hey Doc, I’m 28 years old and I’ve been with Sandy, who’s 27, for seven years. When we met we were both totally infatuated with each other. After five years of happiness, discounting the occasional argument over household matters, we got married. Shortly into the marriage I made a mistake and told Sandy I didn’t love her. We had gotten into an argument and I felt a bit of the “spark” between us disappearing. I didn’t really mean what I said, and I regret it now. Afterward, Sandy seemed to keep finding attention from other guys. She would get involved in conversations with some of my friends, or guys she knew in the past. At first I didn’t mind, until one day when we were at my friend’s house and got into an argument. Sandy told me she wanted me to leave. She also told me she was considering getting “romantic” with my friend, if you catch my drift. (My friend wouldn’t have done it, by the way.) This left me devastated. Afterward, she still talked to my friend, and once she sneaked out to hang with him, which I found out through him. Given what she had said about getting romantic with him, I kicked her out.

Since then our relationship has gone back and forth. I don’t want her talking to other guys, and she thinks I should trust her and not question what she does. We have been separated for three months, and until very recently she was still considering coming back. I recently found out that Sandy went out with a guy she met on Facebook. She told me it was totally innocent, that they’re just friends, and that she just wanted to talk to someone and have fun. I don’t believe they have kissed, but I want to quash this and move on with our lives. She is not communicating with me much anymore, and I’m sure her Interest Level is pretty low. Part of me thinks I should just give up, but I know she still loves me, and she hasn’t been fooling around with anyone else. Knowing that she’s hanging out with other guys hurts, and I’d like to figure out a way to make her interested in “us” again. Should I just accept the fact that she’s going to have some male friends and forgive her? How can I get her back into this? I’ve invested seven years, and I don’t want to give up yet. I literally just started reading your articles today, Doc. It’s funny how people flounder around in relationships without any training, especially when it’s such a huge part of our lives! I’ll definitely be purchasing your book. Thanks, and I hope you find time to reply. Basil - who’s finding it rough going

doc love’s answer Hi Basil, Let me tell you something: If the American male would like a true aphrodisiac for his wife, it’s doing household chores. If you’d been handling 60% of the chores or just 15 to 20 minutes a day of housework, you wouldn’t have had an occasional argument. And by the way, when you say “occasional,” are you talking about twice a year, or twice a week? Arguments lower Interest Level -- especially the woman’s. What you’re saying here, Basil is actually a huge deal. Can Basil save his marriage? Doc Love weighs in…

your first mistake Pal, I don’t know what you were thinking when you blurted out that you didn’t love your wife. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Other than commit adultery, you can’t do anything worse to lower a woman’s Interest Level and hurt her feelings than tell her you don’t love her.” You felt the spark going, and notice that again you’re bringing up arguments. Apparently your arguments with your wife weren’t all that occasional. To you Psych majors, arguments are

like water on a fire, so when you argue, the spark will disappear. Of course Sandy finds attention from other guys -- because you are out. You just told her you didn’t love her, so what would you expect? She’s going to find attention from someone else. That’s what women do. Once their Interest Level drops from 65% to 55%, they start looking around. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “They’re not going to go it alone.”

you keep fighting Then you were at your friend’s house and got into yet another argument. Basil, are you sure you know what the word “occasional” means? I get your drift about what Sandy was up to, and the drift is this: You’re finished. With that fight, Sandy’s Interest Level went from 51% to 49%. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re dead in the love department with this woman, married or not.” You swear, however, that your friend wouldn’t have gotten romantic with your wife. Want to bet a million bucks on it, pal? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’ll give you 10 to 1 odds she’s at his place right now!” He’s talking to her, isn’t he? He’s going along with all this sneaking around, right? Some friend! Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, your friend is a traitor!”

her interest level is low So you ended up kicking out a woman who doesn’t like you. You didn’t kick out one with 95% Interest Level, you kicked one out with 45% Interest Level. Oh, you’re so strong, tough guy! The reason your relationship has gone back and forth, Basil, is because that’s what women do when they have an Interest Level of 40% to 49%. They go back and forth and back and forth and they finally dump you at 39% -- unlike the male, who gets out at 49%. You have no right to question what Sandy does because she doesn’t dig you anymore on a romantic level. But you believe that she’s considering coming back. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, I hope you don’t never toss the dice in Vegas, because you’re going to get cleaned out!” Sandy may have gone out with a guy from Facebook, but it’s a non-issue. Of course she’s going to go out. All you should be thinking about is how her Interest Level was 95% at one time and now it’s only 45%. None of this other stuff -- her sneaking around and talking to other guys -- matters in the least at this point. Once a woman’s Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re ancient history, even if she stops by your place once in awhile.

she’s seeing other guys

You still insist that her date was innocent. Uh, yeah, and I got some swampland down in Georgia that I want to sell you. Basil, I don’t care if they kissed or not. She’s out in the company of another male -- don’t you get it? Ah, but she still loves you, you insist. You guys kill me. You’ll do anything to protect your EGO, and that’s all you’re doing here. Your wife goes out with other men, she’s trying to make out with your best friend, and you’re telling me that she loves you. Dude, everything she does says the opposite. And just to clear something up, she hasn’t been fooling with anyone else that you know of. Did you hire a cameraman to follow her around 24 hours a day like Donald Trump would? You can’t make Sandy interested in you because this thing is dead. You had your chance to save the marriage when Sandy’s Interest Level went from 95% to 85%. That’s when you should have done something, man. But as I say in the Dating Dictionary, the man is always the last to know.

don’t forgive her I wouldn’t forgive Sandy if I were you. Heck, I wouldn’t even think about her. If I were you, I’d be thinking about how to find a good divorce lawyer and get yourself out of this mess. Then I’d memorize my materials and find out why this woman fell out of love with you, so the next woman you find doesn’t fall out of love with you. You can’t get Sandy back into it, Basil. It’s done. You know the old sayings “Don’t cry over spilt milk,” and “The horse is out of the barn so there’s no use closing the door?” That’s where you are, my friend. It’s not what you invested in the relationship that’s important -- it’s what the woman’s Interest Level is. You should have started reading my materials three years ago. You’re absolutely right about the need for training in how to deal with relationships. Basil, there’s hope for you! You do have brains! Remember, guys: Don’t ever tell a girl you don’t love her anymore.

Moving A Relationship Forward Hi Doc, I’ve been reading your articles for a couple of years now and I really enjoy all of your advice. I haven’t bought “The System” yet, and thus I’m far from mastering it.

I’ve been dating Jaymie for a couple of months now. I met her online, we chatted for a while and after a couple of weeks decided to meet up. We went to a comedy club, had a couple of drinks afterward, and then I drove her home and gave her a kiss goodnight. She initiated it, as I was about to move in, which I took as a good sign. I let her initiate physical contact 50% of the time, by the way. If I ever can’t reach her by phone I leave a short message and wait for her to call back (I never phone again after leaving a message), and she always gets back to me the same day.

we get along great We’ve been on at least 10 dates now, one of which was her staff Christmas party. In front of her coworkers she was not shy at all about public displays of affection, and even after they all started whooping when they caught us kissing she wasn’t embarrassed, or at least she didn’t show it. We get along great, and always keep the conversation very light, which actually brings me to my reason for writing to you. After two months of dating, Jamie has never brought up anything about getting into a relationship. I enjoy the fact that she’s not the type of girl who needs constant reassurance, but at the same time I do wonder why she hasn’t brought it up. Every girl I have been with in the past had initiated that conversation well within two months. She’s always making references to the future, like “we should do this sometime” or “the next time you come over I want to show you this,” which is definitely a good sign, but still very indirect.

should i bring it up? I’ve never dated a girl where our relationship progressed this slowly and it’s throwing me for a loop. Is there any point where I should step up and talk to her about moving our relationship forward? It seems like a very anti-Challenge thing to do. I should also point out that I’m generally a pretty quiet guy, and flirting definitely isn’t my strong point, so I haven’t been very forward in that department. Should I maybe step it up a bit to try and move things forward without doing something wussy like asking her if she wants to be in a committed relationship? What’s my next move? Horace - who’s definitely not on the fast track

doc love’s answer Hi Horace, Let me ask you a question: How can you read my articles for two years, get all kinds of help from them, and not actually go out and get hold of the key to the kingdom? That’s what I don’t understand, pal. It’s doubly baffling because so much more is available in the Dating Dictionary and everything else you’ve learned from me works. You’ve seen that it works. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “It’s like you’re gettin’ a car for free, but you don’t wanna

pay for the transmission!” Doc Love sets Horace straight on moving a relationship forward…

let her initiate contact So you gave Jaymie a smooch good night and she was the one moving in on you. Fantastic, Horace. So far, so good. You shouldn’t let her initiate physical contact half the time, however -- it’s got to be 100% of the time, guy. You’d know that if you had my book. And you shouldn’t be leaving any phone messages for her either. Luckily for you, Jaymie’s the rare girl who returns calls, which shows that she has high Interest Level -- at least to this point. So far, buddy, it sounds like you’re doing most things right. There are a few reasons why this woman hasn’t brought up getting into a serious relationship with you. It’s possible that she just feels comfortable with the way things are. Or, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she wants to fool around with another guy on the side.” Or maybe -- and this is the worst-case scenario -- her Interest Level is not in the 90s. Because if her Interest Level was up in the 90s, she’d be asking you all kinds of questions about the relationship.

you’re not moving forward because… However, Jaymie’s not bringing this issue up at all because you’re missing some of the concepts and rules of the Dating Dictionary. And you certainly didn’t use these principles during the 10 dates you had with Jaymie. And that’s why her Interest Level isn’t in the 90s. Otherwise she’d want to know where this relationship is going, whether you’re seeing anybody else, and she’d be telIing you that she’d like to be your girlfriend, etc. She’d be pressuring you, but she has to have an incentive to do those things, and that incentive is 90% Interest Level.

referencing the future is good That said, making references to the future is a great sign. To you Psych majors, whenever a girl talks about the future with a guy, it means that the guy is going to be around in the future. I know you’re being thrown for a loop by this woman’s cool, Horace, but maybe she’s a classy broad and you just don’t know it. She might be the ultra-rare type who knows how to contain herself. If she’s kissing you good night, returning your phone calls, showing up for dates, and always having a good time when she’s with you, you just have to relax and tell yourself, “This one’s going to take a little longer.” But again, since you don’t have my book, you can’t possibly be on top of your game and you can’t see clearly what’s really going on. And that’s the danger here. Like my cousin General Love says, “Being on the battlefield without all of your weapons means you’re not prepared for war, soldier!”

never beg! You should not be talking to Jaymie about moving anything forward, my friend. Begging never raises Interest Level. It sure is an anti-Challenge thing to do! Again, you’d know this if you’d read and memorized my book. Don’t force yourself to flirt with this babe, Horace. You’re doing fine with her without forcing the action. Just keep showing her a good time, and always remember to show her manners and class. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A, says, “Amigo, whatever you do, don’t go asking her anything!” Just take it easy, keep doing what you’re doing, and this girl will eventually ask you “Where’s this thing going?” Your next move? Invest in your future by getting my book. Think of it as a premium insurance policy. Remember, guys: If you do 80% of everything right, she’s going to have 80% Interest Level.

She Avoids Your Kiss Hey Doc, I’m a Doc Love Club member, I have all your books, and I regularly listen to your radio show. I must say that I consider you a modern-day prophet here to save MANkind. The result of not listening to your warning of MANkind’s impending doom is a world overrun by Feministas with little or no respect, or love, for men. Not a good prospect! Like all prophets who are bad-mouthed by the very people who need to be saved, some guys are bound to dislike you and your message. But Doc, some of MANkind are listening and changing their ways. I’m one of them. What better relationship strategy could there be than establishing and maintaining mutual respect, being a gentleman, looking for a lady with high interest and flexibility, and then never taking each other for granted?

i tested her interest Anyway, on to my issue: I’ve had seven dates with Victoria. On the fifth date, she dropped a subtle hint about visiting the botanical garden. Well, as a student of “The System,” I like to think I listened and heard her. I surprised her by taking her to the botanical garden on our next date. Although she loved the surprise, it was on this date that I became slightly perplexed. When I picked her up, she seemed really quiet. I decided not to react and was quiet too. Even though we shared some brief conversation and laughter during the date, I felt something was not right. I felt compelled to test her interest. Three-quarters into the date, we were standing close to each other, we made eye contact, and I decided to go in for a kiss. I know it was a lack of Self-Control to not wait until the end of the date, but I wasn’t thinking straight.

Anyway, she avoided my kiss and instead rested her head on my shoulder. Afterward, I withdrew by not getting physically close or saying much. I was polite and made brief responses to her comments. After the date I took Victoria home. On the way, she opened up. She said that she knows she can be unusually quiet at times, but when she’s like that it means she’s comfortable and happy. She laughingly said that even though she can be quiet, I can be even more quiet. She then asked if my silence means I don’t like her. I do like her, but rather than answer her question directly, I asked if when she’s quiet does that mean she doesn’t like me. She quickly responded with “No!”

she kissed me When I walked Victoria to her door, she stopped, put her arms around my neck, and gave me the best kiss I ever got from a woman. I told her I had a fun time and she assured me she had a nice time too. The next date went well and she displayed the typical signs of interest (touching, laughter, a kiss good night, etc.). We’ve arranged for another date in a couple of days. I can’t help but wonder, though, why she avoided my kiss if she’s interested in me. Is it a red flag? If it was nothing and I should forget it, I’d still like to know the possible reasons so that I can act with better understanding in the future. Thanks for your insight into the female mind, Doc. Archibald - who’s simply reflecting on Pussycat’s past behavior

doc love’s answer Hi Archibald, Before we get into your question, let me straighten you out on something. Feministas have absolutely no respect for men, so to use the word “little” here is ridiculous. And you sure said a mouthful when you pointed out that I’m sometimes badmouthed by the very people who need salvation, pal. Lots of guys want to hang the messenger, and the messenger is me. Now, let’s look at your situation: Instead of rushing straight out to the botanical garden, you should have taken Victoria on another date first and acquiesced to her wish later. Doing it that way would have had an even more profound effect on her. Because then she would have been thinking, “Gee, I told this guy I wanted to go to the botanical garden, and instead of taking me there, he takes me someplace else! I wonder what’s going on?” While she was puzzling that out, her Interest Level would have been on the rise because you were being less predictable and more mysterious. More on what to do when she avoids your kiss...

there’s a problem if she’s quiet Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I don’t like it when a woman gets quiet, because I can’t trust her.” It usually indicates that her Interest Level is not as high as it should be. And guy, when you copied her behavior, you did react to her. So you’re contradicting yourself. And by the way, instead of impersonating a clam, you should have been the funny clown. You might own all my books, but you haven’t memorized them. You’re on target when you say that something wasn’t right about the situation. What happens when you finally have all of my materials down is that your intuition will sense the date environment. When the woman isn’t talking, it might mean she’s not in the best mood, or she’s had a particularly rough day, or -- worst-case scenario, but most likely possibility -- she has low Interest Level like I said earlier. When a babe is quiet, especially in the early stages of dating, you have a problem. I’ve never found that being quiet was a positive.

here’s your mistake… Going in for the kiss when she was in a funky mood was a huge mistake. I told you what to do, Archie, and you broke the rules. Of course you weren’t thinking straight -- you were thrown off by the fact that this babe wasn’t talking. So what did you do? You bastardized “The System.” And here’s where the problem gets more complicated. Victoria turned you down for a kiss, but you kissed her at the wrong time. And once you break the rules of “The System,” it’s hard to gauge what’s really going on with the woman’s Interest Level. To boot, you reacted to her quietness by changing your entire personality, and you didn’t make her laugh. What you should have said when she said being quiet means she’s happy was, “Oh, I get it now.” However, you don’t believe her or disbelieve her. To you Psych majors, you look for a pattern in the future.

what did she mean? What did Victoria mean by, “You can be even more quiet than me?” I don’t like this at all. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish Love says, “I smell a rat here.” Talk about Womanese -Victoria’s the one who was being silent, and then she turns around and attacks you for being quiet.

your mistake no. 2 It was another big boo-boo when you asked if Victoria didn’t like you. Why in the world are you talking about her Interest Level? I tell you guys to keep it light and funny and no heavy subjects, then you go and get embroiled in a heavy contest of trying to outflank each other on

the subject of what “quiet” really means. This mess wouldn’t have happened if you’d kept it funny and light like you were supposed to and not tried to kiss her at the wrong time. Getting that great kiss from her was the one positive thing that happened. And hopefully this distant mood of hers was just a passing thing. Maybe it’s her nature; with time you’ll find out. By the way, Victoria should have told you first that she had a good time on that date. And you didn’t have a fun time, dude -- you lied.

things ended ok The way it ended, things seemed to be OK, but again, Archie, just make sure you don’t forget what happened and keep your eyes peeled for a pattern. In the end, there could a thousand reasons why Victoria refused your kiss. One, for instance, might be that you tried to smooch her in a public place. But don’t ask why she didn’t kiss you -- ask yourself why you didn’t go by the book. What happened is not a red flag, because you went against my principles. You did something wrong, then she did something wrong, so there can’t be a red flag. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “A red flag is when you do everything right and SHE does something wrong.” In the future follow my guidelines strictly and stop cherry-picking. Remember, guys: If you don’t go by the rules, you can’t judge her Interest Level.

Doc Love: Dealing With Moody Women Hey Doc, I’m currently pursuing the very attractive Candace. The problem is that her behavior is very erratic. Some days she’s very talkative, other days she’s a complete bitch. Before you write this off as the typical “moodiness of women” BS, please hear me out. On account of my personality, I don’t like to see my female friends hurt. It’s like a fatherly instinct I have. Whenever Candace is in a bad mood or she’s emotionally hurt, she comes to me. At that time I have complete control over her; it’s as if she hangs on every word I say. For instance, if I said that smoking crack would solve her issue, she’d do it. During these conversations she confides very personal information to me, but after I solve her problem, it’s as if she's dropped off the face of the earth until the next time she needs me.

a good time to ask her out

I would love to go out with Candace, but I feel that the only time I have the opportunity to talk to her is when she’s in a weakened emotional state and that’s the wrong time to ask for a date. If I were to ask her out when she’s in a bad way, I feel like I would only be a “rebound man” -- basically like the sixth man on the bench. What should I do about Candace? Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated. Percy - who feels like her psychiatrist

doc love’s answer Hi Percy, Before we discuss the specifics of your situation, let me ask you a question. Let’s assume that you want to be with a woman for 40 years and you want to be comfortable with her. That’s what every normal guy wants, right? Then I see that you use the word “erratic” in relation to the female you’re interested in. How do you figure that an ugly term like “erratic” fits in any way with the notion of “comfort?”

she’s a bitch So, Candace is a complete bitch, is she? Oh, this is someone who’ll make a really great partner over the long haul, Percy. Fantastic! Good for you! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sounds like you’ve got the right one there, paisan.” I’m not going to say anything at all about the moodiness of women, pal. And I’ll listen patiently to all of your rationalizations, but like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re already dead in the water.” More of Doc Love’s advice on dealing with moody women… When you say you don’t want to see your female friends hurt, it’s not the truth. What you really want is to take care of somebody you’re chasing after. So in order to rationalize her whacked-out behavior, you’re going to tell me that you hate to see your delicate lady friends damaged. Get rid of your fatherly instincts, Percy -- the sooner the better. Or like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says. “Yo, dawg, stop tryin’ to be her daddy.”

this isn’t healthy It’s really wonderful that Candace comes to you when she’s all messed up emotionally. In other words, you don’t ever see her when she’s up and positive and fun -- you just see her when she’s down in the dumps! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Oh, now I get it -- this is a perfectly healthy relationship!” I’m sure Candace hangs on your every word when she’s a complete basket case. And I’m sure

she’d jump off the George Washington Bridge if you told her to, but so what, dude? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “OK, so you’ve got a loon mesmerized -- so what?” Wow -she’d listen to you when you tell her to smoke crack? She sounds like a very intelligent girl, Percy.

you’ll never have fun together This weird pattern of pretending not to know you until she needs you again tells me that Candace only comes to you when she’s in a very depressed state, and when she wants someone to tell her what to do and to dominate her. However, after an hour and a half of conversation, she takes off to have a blast with the friends she really likes to have fun with. As far as having fun with you, you can forget it. It will never happen. Nevertheless, you insist that you’d love to go out with Candace. Why? Why in the world would you love to be with somebody who’s a head case, someone who’s bound to make your life miserable? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where are you coming from, my son?”

you’ve never read "the system" The more I think about your letter, the more I realize that this would actually be a positive fit for both of you. Percy, I’ve been coaching men a long time, and I’ve heard many, many rationalizations concocted by men and their egos, but I have to say that yours takes the cake! Now I know for sure that you haven’t memorized my materials. You may not have even seen them, let alone read them. What should you do about Candace? Tell her to do two things: one, forget your name; two, forget your phone number. You shouldn’t be feeling like Candace’s psychiatrist, pal -- I think you need her psychiatrist! Heck, you need the great Doctor Freud himself if you insist on pursuing a girl who should have a big “T” -- for trouble -- tattooed on her forehead. Remember, guys: Once you realize you have a crazy on your hands, don’t rationalize -- get yourself out of there.

Doc Love: Starting To Date Hey Doc, I’ve been having some romance problems to say the least, and after soliciting close friends and forums like this for advice, I haven’t been able to find the kind of help I need.

I’m a 22-year-old guy of Indian descent. Growing up, I was the overweight nerdy kid. I’ve lost most of the weight and now consider myself more or less happy with how I look. After drinking way too much and smoking pot to relieve my emotional distress, I went to rehab to get some stuff straight and reassess my life’s goals. I also recently figured out I have some conditions like hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder. Further, my family is super-Indian and eccentric, and we never meshed with the wealthy suburbanites in the area where we live.

starting to date deadline My problem is that I’ve never had any experience whatsoever with women. I’ve never gone on a date -- not even a blind date -- EVER. I have kissed girls here and there when I’ve been very drunk, but that’s about it. I am very happy with the rest of my life except for this one, huge, unavoidable area. Having been fat and rejected for 90% of my life, I have no idea how to make that first step with a woman or how to play it cool while also being “honest” in that I’ve never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. I realize it’s now or never. And if not now, then when? So I need your advice. What should I do in general? I work out nearly every day and have a pretty good physique. I catch girls looking at me, checking out my arms and abs. I am a nice guy and I project that quality, but I still don’t know what to do. There are lots of pretty girls where I’m going to college, but I don’t have the first clue how to get one on a date. Please help me with my starting to date dilemma. Quinton - who’s truly desperate

doc love’s answer Hi Quinton, Of course you haven’t found effective help yet, pal; you haven’t come to me until now. Your friends and the other love doctors out there don’t know how to coach you; that’s not their business. Never fear -- when you came to me with your starting to date woes, you came to the best.

starting to date at 22 First of all, Quinton, you’re not 22 years old. You’re 22 years young. You’re just a baby, and that’s a good thing. Lots of people I know would love to trade ages with you -- including me. Starting to date is tough business, but Doc Love has the answers that Quinton needs… I’m glad you shed most of that excess blubber you were carrying around. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Now, go on and lose the rest of it.” I’m sorry to say that

most fatsos gain it back, so you have to be vigilant. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You can live without that second cannoli, paisan.” It’s great that you went into rehab, Quinton, because it shows that you’re trying to improve yourself. And improving yourself is what it’s all about. For your hyperactivity and A.D.D., get yourself a good doctor with a sheepskin on the wall and make sure that she takes good care of you. Because with all the medical progress that’s been made, conditions like yours don’t have to be hopeless. Despite all this, we’re still going to make you into a lover boy -- as long as you do and say everything exactly as I tell you. As far as your family’s eccentricities are concerned, don’t let them hold you back, dude. Your family’s weirdness is not your fault. All you have to do is learn to smile at people.

a clean dating slate Actually, Quinton, it’s great that you’ve had no experience whatsoever with women. It means you’re not coming to me with a bunch of garbage in your head that I’m going to have to clean out. You’re starting off fresh, which is wonderful because it means you don’t have all kinds of preconceived notions like most of the guys who come to me. Quinton, once you internalize “The System” you’re not going to have to get bombed anymore to kiss a girl. I’m going to give you a game plan to get you out of this mess.

close the vault Nobody has to know about anything negative that’s ever happened in your past, including your boozing and pot-smoking and being overweight. Why? Because you’re never going to bring it up -- ever. It’s going to be your secret and my secret. And that is called being closed; it’s the opposite of being open, which is what all those other incompetent love doctors want you to be. To you Psych majors, this is not a matter of honesty, it’s a matter of privacy and whatever you did is nobody’s business but your own. And you’re not going to open your mouth about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities because they are not going to get you any empathy or sympathy, and most importantly they’re never going to raise Interest Level. Doc Love didn’t write his dating manifesto to sit and gather dust… “Now or never” is way too much pressure to put on yourself, buddy. You’re only 22, Quinton, and you’ve got a lifetime ahead of you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If you were 62, you’d have a problem.” At your age, Quinton, you’re OK.

baby steps with a book

So here’s the first thing you have to do: You have to get my materials and memorize them. Your answer for what to do about your impasse is the Dating Dictionary. You have to reach the point where you just look at a chapter title in my book to know exactly what’s there -even if you close the book. In other words, you have to be mentally prepared before you go out there. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Son, you’ve got to have a substantial plan in place before you can do anything at all when it comes to women.” When babes check out your arms and abs, just smile at them. And if they’re standing close, here’s what you say: “Hi. What’s your name?” Then paste a bigger smile on your lips. That’s going to be your second step. I don’t know how you reached the conclusion that girls know you’re a nice guy just by pumping iron. You probably are a nice guy and you sound like a nice guy, but just by having someone look at you while you’re curling 40 pounds on each arm, how can you possibly know what you’re projecting? Did you interview these women after you got through working out? If not, then you don’t know what you’re projecting, Quinton. So, you have this idea and maybe a few other ideas in your brain that have to be flushed out, which will happen naturally when you commit my principles to memory.

dating is a big dance too Here’s something else I want you to do. Start taking ballroom dancing lessons. When you do, you’ll be interacting with lots of different women. You’re not going to come on to them, but after all this dancing you’ll begin to feel comfortable with them, you’ll be kidding with them, and eventually you’ll ask them if they have a girlfriend for you. However, that will come later. Quinton, I want you to become such a great dancer that you can actually enter contests. Remember, guys: Unless you’re prepared, you can’t go to war.

Doc Love: Playing Hard To Get Hey Doc, I’m in pain. I’ve been dating Priscilla for a year. I met her when she was about to get a divorce and I was the one who awakened her to her need to be treated better. I kept my distance early, as she was now single again and I wanted to be sure not to be the rebound guy -- but the passion was heavy. Unfortunately, I once did something that reminded her of her ex and she pulled away. So, I let the leash out a bit, but never doubted her interest in me. Then I learned she was dating another guy, even though she kissed me as passionately as ever. Scared of losing her, I put on a full-court press to proclaim my love and order her to ditch guy No. 2, which she did. Promises of trust flew back and forth between us. She gave me the key

to her pad, and overnight we went from seeing each other once every three weeks to 12 days in a row.

trouble playing hard to get By day 12, she said I changed -- I was apparently too attentive and nice and caring. She liked the old confident, distant and cool guy and demanded her key back. She actually told me to play hard to get. This was from a girl who told me she was tired of dating (I never really knew she was dating) and that all she could do was think of me and that she missed me so much it hurt. So, I ignored Priscilla for several days; when she called on the phone, I answered and when she e-mailed, I responded. Then I called her -- but got no answer. It seems I have no idea what playing hard to get is. It’s now been four days and I’m devastated. I fear that another guy (or the guy she was dating when she dated me or even her ex-husband) is in the picture. I feel betrayed that she never told me she was seriously dating someone else, even though I was giving her the space she wanted. I’m very confused about how to play it from here. I can’t call her again because I fear she is dating around, but I fear that not calling may make her think I’m being too distant and that I don’t care. Please help because I’m having trouble playing hard to get. Greenie - who’s living in misery because he’s having trouble playing hard to get

doc love’s answer Hi Greenie, First of all, let me explain something to you: The reason you are in pain is because you did something wrong. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When you do things right in life, my son, you don’t suffer -- at least not as much. It’s that simple.” Now, here’s the problem with “awakening” Priscilla. When you counsel a woman and try and fix her life, when you tell her how she should be feeling and acting, you’re not being her boyfriend -- you’re playing at being her psychiatrist. Do you want a patient or a girlfriend?

playing in the nba The only smart thing you did was keeping your distance from Priscilla at first so you wouldn’t be seen as the rebound guy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It showed you could think.” Then you went and did something that reminded her of her ex and she pulled away. You don’t describe what it was, but it was obviously a big mistake. To you Psych majors, when she pulls away, you’ve got huge problems.

When she’s playing hard to get, your best bet is to consult Doc Love… So you worked Priscilla to a point where she was interested in you, but then she pulled back and you were in pain again. As the old cowboy saying goes, “Dude, you have to do things that make girls not want to run away.” So Priscilla was dating another guy, huh? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “So much for your psychological counseling, right, pal?” You say she was kissing you passionately, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Don’t forget that she was kissing the other guy passionately too.”

women and ultimatums I know you got Priscilla to ditch guy No. 2 -- temporarily -- but you have to remember that ultimatums never work with women. Trying to force her to go along with this was a massive, massive mistake on your part, Greenie. Sure, the woman will agree to it for a while, but down deep, she’ll resent you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, you’re on your way out.” You should have been seeing this babe only once a week, Greenie. You don’t see anybody 12 days in a row, not even your shrink. What’s the matter with you? You were giving away the store -- another blunder. Of course Priscilla was sick of you by day 12 -- she was so full of you she could puke. As the old Chinese saying goes, “Grasshopper, when you down a gallon of chocolate ice cream every night for a month, you never want to see chocolate again.” It’s OK to be attentive and nice and caring to a woman, my friend, but you have to spread out the occasions when you see her.

she told you what to do, moron So, Priscilla wanted the old you and demanded her key back. In other words, she wanted a guy who’s memorized “The System.” Isn’t that what she’s really saying here? It sure sounds like it, man. She told you to play hard to get, didn’t she? This girl was practically begging you to be a Challenge. She told you in no uncertain terms what’s going to turn her on and keep her turned on, so what do you go and do? You screw up. You didn’t know Priscilla was dating other guys, Greenie? Frankly, you don’t know anything about this girl and you’re giving her all kinds of credit. Then again, she told you she missed you so much it hurt. So what did you do? Rather than see her once and then disappear for four or five days, you draped yourself all over her for two weeks straight. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

three-day dry spell

You finally did ignore Priscilla. Wow -- you held out for 72 whole hours! Like my cousin General Love says, “What a tough guy you are!” Buddy, you should have let that phone ring and returned her call two days later. Your problem is not other guys. Your problem is you putting on a full-court press. If you were doing things right, she wouldn’t be kissing other men passionately. Hey, there’s a good chance that either or both of these two other guys are back in the picture, though. Don’t worry about Priscilla seriously dating someone else, though -- she’s just having fun with the other guys and making out with them. The reason you can’t call her is because whenever you’re in contact with her you can’t stop yourself from pressuring her. She tells you she wants you to play hard to get and you keep making mistakes with the telephone and the computer. She wants you to be distant and pretend you don’t care; don’t you get it, Greenie? She wants Challenge.

proactive means desperate Ninety percent of you guys think that when you have a problem with a woman in a relationship you have to be proactive. You concoct four or five desperate things that you’re going to do to win her back, and when you do them the girl is going to come running back to you. Nothing could be further from the truth. What never enters your mind is the simple act of disappearing. Why? Because you have no self-control -- you’d know that if you memorized and internalized my materials. Remember, guys: Anytime you see a red flag, back off and make no contact -- period.

Doc Love: She Has A Boyfriend Hey Doc, Recently I met Marisol through my company’s salsa club. We were dance partners for our company’s party performance recently and we get along fairly well. We had a few one-to-one outings together because we needed to practice our dance moves. I wouldn’t consider them dates exactly, but these practice sessions gave me some alone time with Marisol. We joked a lot and I didn’t allow her to notice my Interest Level in her. In turn, I was trying to figure out her Interest Level in me without being obvious about it. Afterward I found out, through office gossip, that Marisol had a boyfriend. I wanted to give up thinking about her after this, but recently it seems like she’s been paying a little more attention to me and she walks over to wherever I’m sitting to talk with me. I usually keep

these in-office conversations short because I don’t like the setting at work for long, intimate talks.

she's nice, but attached So it seems to me that Marisol might have some interest in me, yet it’s still too hard to gauge. One of my buddies told me that I should ask her out for dinner just to see if she’s interested, and possibly available. From your teachings, that’s a big no-no, especially for someone with a boyfriend. Am I right? So which of the following should I do: 1. Give up? 2. Try to “attract” Marisol more so that she can ask me out first? (And how should I do that?) 3. Dive in head-first by asking her to dinner? Your help would be so great, as I’m contemplating all three options right now. Thanks a bunch! You’re a man’s best friend! Boo - who doesn’t know which way to go with this one

doc love's answer Hi Boo, What you should have been looking for when you had your alone time with Marisol was this: Did she touch your arm? Did she tap your leg? Did she play with her hair? Did she ask you personal questions? Were her eyes lit up? (Or, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Were her high beams on?”) These are what we call buying signals. The more, the better, dude. They are the easiest ways to tell you where you stand with a babe. It’s good that you didn’t let Marisol pick up on your Interest Level in her. You shouldn’t. Because we don’t care at all about your Interest Level. All we care about is her Interest Level. It’s the only thing that matters. This is one of the basic tenets of “The System,” which none of the other love doctors ever talk about. To you Psych majors, you have to be very, very careful about whatever gossip you hear. As Judge Judy would put it, “It’s all hearsay.” And hopefully this gossip wasn’t the result of you blabbing to your officemates about Marisol. If you merely overheard the gossip, it’s OK. When it comes to gossip about women, you have to be a spy, pal. Like my cousin General Love says, “Just pretend that you’re James Bond.” Doc Love offers a few more tips on how to get her even if she has a boyfriend...

don't judge her by rumors We don’t know exactly what it means that Marisol is paying more attention to you and stopping by your desk to talk to you. It could be that she just likes you as a friend. That’s bad. Or it might mean that her boyfriend’s on the way out -- if there is a boyfriend. Because, don’t forget, Boo, you don’t really know for sure whether there’s a boyfriend lurking in the background -- you just overheard some people talking. And if there is a boyfriend, you don’t know the nature of their relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “For all you know, dawg, she’s been tryin’ to get rid of the chump for the past six months and he keeps hangin’ around.” It’s also very smart of you to keep your office chit-chats with Marisol to the minimum. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You never fool around where you make your living.” Besides, she has a boyfriend, right?

get her number Your buddy is partially right about asking Marisol out. However, what you should do first -and this is something I repeat 60 times in the Dating Dictionary -- is ask for the home phone number. Again, we don’t know what her feelings for this alleged boyfriend really are. Maybe they’re only 40% to 49% and he’s on his way out. Which, if you play your cards right, leaves the field open for you. So let’s look at your alternatives: 1. You’re not going to give up on this woman. The first thing you’re going to do is ask for her home phone number. 2. You’re not going to try and coax Marisol into asking you out. You’re going to finish this thing with her. And the only way to do it properly is to follow my rules. In other words, ask for her home phone number. 3. You are going to ask Marisol out for dinner. However, you’re going to do it after you get her home phone number and wait a week to call her. Then you’re going to call her and ask her out. So all three of your ideas about what to do are wrong, Boo.

you'll learn with my help Here’s your course of action: You’re going to ask for Marisol’s home phone number the next time you see her alone. It’s imperative that you get her alone, even if it’s at the office. Wait until you bump into her in the corridor or everyone else has gone home and it’s only the two of you left in the office. Thanks very much for the compliment, guy. My mission is to be the best friend of men. However, I have to tell you again that your three ideas for what to do with Marisol are

erroneous, which demonstrates that you have not fully read and internalized my materials. Remember, guys: It all starts with getting the home phone number.

Doc Love: Can A Relationship Survive War? Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles for quite a while to gain insight into a decision I have to make in only a few short weeks. Let me explain. Carrie and I have been together for 18 months. We met at a restaurant when I was attending a military school and she was an au pair (a foreign nanny) expecting to return to her home country of England. When we began our relationship, both of us thought it would be temporary. I eventually moved to another state and she moved out of the country. Yet, despite the distance, we grew closer, we are still in love, and we talk daily. I fly to see her as often as I can, sometimes once a month.

jody’s got your girl Here’s my problem. I recently discovered that I must soon deploy to Iraq and I am unsure whether to continue our relationship. I am very much in love with Carrie and would do anything for her. However, I am afraid that my assignment will destroy our relationship. My friends who went to Iraq and Afghanistan had wives and girlfriends who cheated on them when they deployed. I try not to be insecure about Carrie and other men, but I have to be realistic: 15 months, with a one-month break in between when I can visit her on R&R is tough for anyone to go without romance, if you get what I mean. There are other chips stacked against me as well: My girlfriend is very attractive, she is young (21) and she is at university, where it is easy to meet people. Finally, and most importantly, she broke up with me once before after three months of not being together -- but she called me back saying that “she wanted me back,” and we eventually got back together. She explained that there was no infidelity, just that the distance was difficult. We have been together ever since.

war felt in the heart My question is this: Should I break off with Carrie (with the hope of possibly getting back together sometime in the future) prior to going to war in order to avoid the pain we might experience? Or should I tell her I want to continue our relationship and risk her cheating on me? Can a relationship survive war? War is an extreme circumstance for any relationship to endure. We are both in love and if I were in any other profession I would give my two weeks

notice at work, quit my job and wash dishes to be with her if I had to. Since I can’t, I am left asking, “What should I do?” Birdie - who wants to know: Can a relationship survive war?

doc love’s answer Hi Birdie, Before we even get started, I have to tell you that you’ve already made a huge mistake because you haven’t memorized the Dating Dictionary. So, right out of the chute you’re making errors unbeknownst to yourself.

the killing fields Carrie expected to return to her home country? Not good. To you Psych majors, distance kills relationships. As the Chinese saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind, grasshopper.” So you’re already dead twice. Can a relationship survive war? Doc Love has the answer… What do you mean that when you started you two thought your relationship would be temporary? How do you know what’s going to happen? Can you predict the future? If you spend time with a girl and you like her and she likes you, you’re going to fall in love. So, making that erroneous assumption was mistake No. 3. You’ve already struck out and we haven’t even started discussing your problem yet. So, your girlfriend went back to England. Oh, that’s going to make things a lot easier, Birdie. You two didn’t really grow closer together, man. It’s a contradiction in terms. I know you’re in love with her, but we don’t know about her Interest Level in you. It’s certainly interesting that you fly to see her, but how often does she fly to see you?

spineless soldier You’re unsure whether to continue your relationship with this babe? That’s if you actually have one. The fact that you’d do anything for her is the biggest mistake of your life, pal. A man should never say something like that, especially to his girlfriend. You can do a lot for her, but you should never do anything that would result in her disrespecting you. And above all, you should never be with a woman who doesn’t have high Interest Level in you. Sadly, your deployment to Iraq will probably destroy your relationship -- if it isn’t destroyed already. So, your pals had women who cheated on them, huh? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s funny how Oprah never does a show on that topic.”

Of course it’s tough to go 15 months without romance. That’s the first sentence you’ve written that makes any sense, my friend. Don’t worry; Carrie’s not going to meet people at her university. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s only going to meet horny, lonely guys.”

crawling back from the foxhole Now let me get this straight; you went back to a girl who broke up with you? Why, Birdie? Now you’re going to be 10,000 miles away from this babe who’s 21 and looks like Keira Knightly. And you want to know the odds of this thing being successful? What happened when you and Carrie got back together was that she went out with 10 guys and got bored with them. And you’ve been together with her in only your mind; you don’t know what she’s really doing all the way over in England. I notice that you say “we” -- meaning you and Carrie -- might experience pain over breaking up again. Dude, you don’t know what Carrie’s Interest Level is. Odds are she’s with you only to fill in her empty time. You’re just “filler” in this relationship. I know your Interest Level is 88%, but we’ve seen nothing whatsoever here to suggest she has anywhere near a positive Interest Level in you. So, to get rid of a girl who has negative Interest Level is an oxymoron.

the frontlines of love Here’s what you should do: Tell Carrie that you two are going to e-mail each other when you’re in Iraq and you’re not going to visit her. And here’s the most important question you’re going to ask her: When is she moving to America to be with you? You’re not both in love, buddy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Girls in love don’t break up with you.” This is what your big fat ego doesn’t want to understand. Still and all, you’d wash dishes to be with Carrie. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, you’re too far gone.” Your Interest Level isn’t 88% -- it’s 100%. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re in the danger zone and you haven’t even set foot on the battlefield.” You might be reading my articles, but you haven’t memorized and internalized my principles, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking such silly questions as, “What should I do?”

in love and war Birdie, I greatly appreciate what you’re doing for America by going out and defending her, but when it comes to women, you get an F. You haven’t got a clue. Remember, guys: Unless you can see her on a consistent basis, she will fool around.

Does Dating Have To Lead To A Relationship? Hey Doc, I’m new to your articles, but I’ve spent considerable time looking through them and unfortunately I don’t know if the suggestions and advice in them would apply to my particular scenario. I’m 20, going to college, and I just moved into a new apartment about a month ago. While moving in, my friends and I met the neighbor -- a hot, recently graduated nurse named Katie. We finished moving my stuff in and we all hung out at her apartment until very late. Long story short, my friends were leaving and she was holding my belt loop to keep me there. We ended up being romantic. It was so great that we wound up making out for half the night. We both said we didn’t want a steady relationship and agreed to a “friends with benefits” relationship, the only caveat being that if one of us hooked up with someone else, we’d have to tell each other.

timecard to a relationship Well, it’s been about a month, and we’ve gotten together about four days a week since that first night. Now that I’ve gotten to know Katie better, I’m finding myself more and more attracted to her, even though I swore off relationships until after college to focus on my studies. The two of us have very different personalities in some regards (music, politics), but very much the same in others (very loyal to friends, very into cuddling, food, movies, etc.). I think that we have enough to start a real relationship on.

does dating = a relationship? I want to know what I could do to pull something permanent out of this without risking the “relationship” we have now. How can I drive this woman wild with love? I’m sure that if I openly state my feelings I’ll never see her again, and yet I want to call her my own. Does dating have to lead to a relationship? Please help! Ravi - who doesn’t want to blow a good thing and wonders: Does dating have to lead to a relationship?

doc love’s answer Hi Ravi, Of course my suggestions and advice apply to your particular scenario. They apply to every

scenario when it comes to dating and relationships. However, you also need to get hold of and memorize my Dating Dictionary, which complements and reinforces my columns.

when planets align Hanging out at Katie’s apartment with all of your buddies as soon as you met her was a blunder. For starters, it was a variation of a group date, which you’d know is an absolute nono if you had read my book. Second, you spent way too much time with Katie. Third, this girl is your neighbor, so she’s not going anywhere. That’s three strikes. Looks like you struck out on the very first night and you don’t even know it! Doc Love on Ravi’s question: Does dating have to lead to a relationship? When Katie was tugging on your belt loop, you should have turned to her and said, “What’s your home phone number?” And once you got it, you should have gotten out of there. You didn’t, though. You not only hung around too long the first night, but you went and saw her all the time without taking a break. As usual, 90% of you guys come on too fast, too strong and too heavy.

crazy contracts So, you have a “friends with benefits” relationship with Katie? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What the heck is that supposed to mean? Does that mean she wants to keep her options open? Or that she’s got two other boyfriends on the side?” And why in the world would you get yourself locked into a contract with this girl, Ravi? To you Psych majors: There should never be any type of definition of what the nature of the relationship is or is going to be in the future. Why would you want to limit your possibilities? More importantly, you should have Katie wondering what the relationship is. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “So, right there you blew the entire concept of Challenge, dawg.” And by the way, Ravi, if you hooked up with someone else or Katie hooked up with someone else and then you had to tell each other, what would that prove? You see Katie four days a week? You mean that’s all? Why not seven? Why not move straight into her place? Dude, you’re seeing this girl way too much. And now you’re finding yourself even more attracted to her. So now you’re going against the contract you set up. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You got any clue what you’re doing, pal?”

time to cut the cord You might have enough to start something permanent with Katie, but you can’t let it develop because you’ve already tied yourself down verbally to one kind of relationship. You’ve made a ridiculous contract with a complete stranger about what your feelings are going to be over

the long haul. How stupid is that? Here’s what you need to do: See Katie less. You have to cut your togetherness down to twice a week. If she starts chasing you because you’re not seeing her enough, you could then turn this into the proper kind of relationship. The only way you can drive this woman wild with love is by disappearing, my friend, but I have to question whether you have it in you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “After all, my son, look at the utter lack of Self-Control you’ve exhibited so far.”

turning the tables No, Ravi, you’re not thinking of reigning yourself in; you’re thinking about the exact opposite. You’re actually contemplating “openly stating your feelings.” If you’re even thinking of pulling an Oprah and spilling your guts to this babe, I have to wonder how many of my articles you actually did read! Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, displaying any kind of weakness on the battlefield is an invitation to disaster.” See, Ravi, you have everything backward. You have to get Katie to call you on her own instead of the other way around. And the only way you’re going to do it is by backpedaling. Because you got yourself so enmeshed in this goofy relationship, you’re going to have to withdraw. Remember, guys: If she has to chase you, it’s better for everybody.

Doc Love: Being "Just Friends"

Hey Doc, I met Shyla through an online dating service. She is very attractive, in her late 30s and we got along great from the beginning. She’d just lost her job and wanted me to move in with her and her sons. When I agreed, she said that it would be just as friends. She helped me get a new checking account (because of my credit problems her name has to be on it), she added me to her cell phone account, we have been on vacation four or five times together, and we have even been romantic together a couple of times, if you catch my drift.

then things changed… Anyway, we continued to get along well until just recently. What’s happened is that I feel like I’ve gotten extremely close to Shyla, and now she says that I’m smothering her even though I knew our relationship was supposed to be just a friendly thing, never anything more.

This sort of squabbling has been going on for three months now. She has booked another vacation for her youngest son and us. My question is this: Does Shyla really want me to back off and be just a friend, or is this a way to get me to move out of her life? I don’t really want to move on, Doc, but I don’t want to be in an uncomfortable place either. I know that it’s hard for you to give answers to questions when you’re only hearing one side of the story, but what I desperately need is an opinion from a coach. I hope you can help me. Thanks. Kam - who wonders if he moved in too fast

doc love’s answer Hi Kam, Whoa. Hold it right here, guy. Let me make sure I’ve got this right. You moved in with a complete stranger who you’re attracted to, and who told you up front that it was going to be nothing but a non-romantic relationship, and now you want more than that. Do you realize what you’re saying here? Apparently you don’t, because you went right ahead and moved in with this babe. Kam, let me ask you this question: If I told you to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do it? But after Shyla, who must have been really bored a couple of nights, got romantic with you, you were suckered in by the idea of having her as your girlfriend and now you’re totally gone over her. You never quite swallowed the idea that she was just looking for a buddy, a vacation escort and a substitute daddy for her kids. And that’s the problem with this scenario. Kam, we don’t care how close you feel to this woman. If you know anything whatsoever about my principles -- and it sounds from what you’re telling me here that you’re clueless -- all we care about is how extremely close Shyla feels to you. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She feels so close to you that she’s begging you not to smother her to death!” Doc Love coaches Kam on being “just friends”…

you should’ve listened When Shyla told you that this relationship was going to be friendly and never anything more, you should have listened to her, dude. Let me remind you: Women don't lie -- men don't listen. There’s a reason I say that, buddy. To you Psych majors, it’s so your massive egos don’t get in the way of what she’s actually saying to you. OK, so Shyla told you up front that she wanted nothing more than a friendly relationship, and now because your Interest Level has shot through the roof you’re trying to change your agreement with her nonverbally. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “And when you did, she called you on it!” So back off, man!

stop fighting Now let me get something else straight. You’ve been arguing with this girl for three whole months? And you’re just friends? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “So when does the fun start, boy?” Are you that desperate, Kam, that you’d rather live your life squabbling with someone who doesn’t really want you around in the first place? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you should have surrendered that area the minute the skirmishes started.” Now Shyla wants to haul you along on another vacation with her because she hasn’t found a guy she really wants to be romantic with yet. But you’re not going to take this next vacation with Shyla and her son. You’re through, Kam. They’re going to go alone. And you’re going to find something else to do with yourself for a few days. Of course she wants you to back off and just be a friend. That’s exactly what she told you in the beginning, didn’t she? And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Now that you’re driving her nuts, you should be out of her life altogether!”

how to turn things around… Here’s my opinion about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into, Kam. If you can find the SelfControl -- and I’m not at all convinced that you can, judging by your past behavior -- to back off and stop pressuring this girl, and you can force your Interest Level from 100% down to 60%, you might have a chance of turning this thing around. Chances of that happening are slim because Shyla’s told you that she doesn’t want to be anything but friends with you a hundred times already. But you’re going to try to control yourself. And if nothing changes within 60 days, you’re moving out. Remember, guys: The woman always sets the pace of the relationship.

Is There Such A Thing As Bad Timing? Hey Doc, About six months ago, I asked out Kianna, a waitress at my neighborhood bar. She really stood out: She’s very attractive, smiles a lot and she’s in her 30s (I’m 33, by the way, so we’re in the same age range). She informed me that she had just left a nine-year relationship and would like to date. She also told me she liked that I was so direct.

divulging too much info So, we went on that first date, which was great and we both had fun. Then I was laid off from my job the very next day. I told Kianna, and while she said it didn’t matter, we only talked on

the phone for a few weeks afterward instead of getting together. This was because she didn’t accept any of my date invitations. I backed off with the hopes that she would call me, but she didn’t. A month later, she texted me a birthday greeting and I waited a week before calling her. Again, it went well. We started seeing each other on weekends, and dated for two months. During this time, we had fun, but it didn’t get romantic beyond kissing. She told me she “couldn’t be a girlfriend to me now.” So I drove her home and left her alone. Three days later she called me and told me that I “was the greatest guy ever” and we went out again. The next time I called her we had a nice talk, but it was different. She sounded distant. Well, being one to get to the point, I asked her out and she turned me down. I said, “It doesn’t seem as though you are interested in this anymore.” After a short conversation about her wanting “to do other things, and go out and have single fun, but remain friends,” I said that wouldn’t work for me. We met for dinner to exchange our stuff, and she said she’d call me again, but she hasn’t.

such a thing as bad timing? Months have passed and my friends are telling me to call her again. I have a job again, and I’m sure my mood and demeanor are better. Maybe some time apart has helped her too. What’s stopping me is that if Kianna was interested, I feel she would have contacted me by now. Yes, I broke it off with her, but the roller-coaster ride was getting old, and I wanted her to know that being unemployed didn’t mean I was a pushover. Your advice is appreciated, as I’m confused about what to do. Could it have just been bad timing the first time around? Or is no time the right time? And, is there such a thing as bad timing? Chuckles - who wonders, is there such a thing as bad timing and doesn’t want to get burned again.

doc love’s answer Hi Chuckles, Well, I have to say that at the beginning it was good. Kianna helped you out when she met you. First she tells you she’d liked to date -- implying of course that she’d like to date you. And second, she liked the fact that you were so direct, which showed you had Confidence (the first of the three Cs, the others being Control and Challenge). Straight out of the chute you did OK. So far, so good.

unemployed jerk Then you were laid off and went and told Kianna about it. Why in the world would you tell her a negative? To you Psych majors, telling a girl what’s wrong with you when you’ve just

met her is about the stupidest thing you could do. Instead of flapping your lips, you should have just regarded yourself as “between careers” and kept your trap shut. Think about it this way: Why would a girl like you more if you’re unemployed? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It doesn’t make any sense, my son.” Doc Love answers the question: Is there such a thing as bad timing?… What most men do is shoot off their mouths without thinking, and then they can never take it back. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Remember, paisan, you can always tell her the bad stuff later.” Naturally, after your revelation about being stranded in the unemployment line, Kianna didn’t want to go out with you. She was turned off. And right there, pal, you were out. After she turned you down for a date, you should have thrown her number away. Still, you waited for her to call you and she didn’t. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t Interested.

a polite gesture She texted you a birthday greeting? Hallelujah! She saw the light! She realized what a great guy you were. Chuckles, you have to rush right back in there and try and get her back. What are you waiting for? Seriously, though, it was a blunder when you decided to call her again. Sure, it went well the second time around -- temporarily. It didn’t really go well, even though you dated for two months. And here’s the proof: It didn’t get romantic. That’s OK, maybe this Kianna’s a classy girl. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I guess nobody else found her attractive all that time, huh?” When she said she couldn’t be a girlfriend to you now, do you know what she really meant, Chuckles? She meant forever. Guys, “now” is Womanese for “forever.”

hook in your mouth You didn’t really leave Kianna alone at that point. She was happy to get out of your car. Then you went out a third time when she suckered you in with that “greatest guy ever” comment. She must have been really bored at that point. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Man, this girl really knows how to work you.” I’ll let you in on something here, Chuckles. When females sound “distant,” that means you’re out. But you thought you were smart; you were going to be persistent and you weren’t going to give up. As a result, the closest you’ve come to reality through this whole ordeal is when you told Kianna, “It doesn’t seem as though you are interested in this anymore.”

Kianna wanted to remain friends? Like the old Chinese saying goes, “Uh-oh, grasshopper, there goes the kissing.” Know what you should have done? You should have told her it was a great idea and then flushed her number.

what stuff? You had each other’s stuff. What stuff? How and why did you ever give this girl stuff? You weren’t going with this girl for two years, Chuckles; you could hardly get a date out of her and you’re giving her stuff? Here’s another secret I’ll let you in on: When a woman says she’s going to call you again, it means she’s never going to call you. More Womanese. Of course your friends are urging you to go back for more -- because your friends are even dumber than you are. Your mood and demeanor might be better now that you’re gainfully employed again, but it doesn’t matter -- you’re out with this girl. Once Interest Level goes south of the border, it’s over, baby. Regarding the break that was forced on you by Kianna, like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Time apart doesn’t help when they don’t like you. She’s just happy you’re gone.”

living in denial You really think that if Kianna liked you she would have contacted you by now? Brilliant! I never would have thought of that, Chuckles. You’re getting smarter. Dude, I got news for you: You didn’t break it off with this girl. To break it off with someone means they have to actually like you. Being an unemployed pushover has nothing to do with Kianna’s Interest Level in you. And timing had nothing to do with this debacle either. You did everything wrong the first time around -- that’s what really happened. This babe wanted to date someone, she liked that you were direct, she went out with you, but the problem was that only one of you had fun. And unfortunately for you, it wasn’t Kianna. Remember, guys: There’s no such thing as bad timing.

Can The System Keep A Marriage Alive? Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your articles for a little while now and find them quite interesting, but I haven’t seen anything dealing with my situation. Before I go ahead and purchase “The System,” since I notice that your columns deal mostly with dating and not with more established relationships, I’d like to know whether you can help me with my specific problem. So here goes.

the calm before the storm I’ve been married to Katrina for two and a half years. We dated for four years before tying the knot and our relationship was as close to perfect as you can imagine. There was fun, romance and mutual respect, but things have changed. We have a gorgeous young daughter now and that’s where the problems really originated. Katrina stayed home to raise her and any other kids we might have in the future, and I’m the one with the full-time job. When I get home at the end of the day -- most times at eight or nine -- I’m totally exhausted, but so is Katrina, from dealing with our child all day long. Instead of a nice, relaxing environment, the atmosphere is rather tense. Katrina has become a nagger and she’s often grumpy from being stuck in the house all week long. I realize it’s tough that she’s with the child all the time, but what does she expect me to do? The worst part is that come the weekend, she bolts and leaves me with our daughter. So, it feels like I have two jobs, Doc! It’s brutal.

can “the system” save a marriage? We’ve tried talking about what’s bothering us, but it doesn’t get very far and always ends with Katrina claiming that she no longer has any fun with me. I get a little worried when I hear this stuff. Anyway, my question is this: Is there anything in your book about maintenance of a marriage and bringing back your wife’s Interest Level? Can “The System” keep a marriage alive? If so, I’ll order it today! Brooks - who wonders if “The System” can keep a marriage alive and hopes he doesn’t end up another divorce statistic

doc love’s answer Hi Brooks, First of all, why are you dragging home at eight or nine every night? Why aren’t you getting home at five-thirty or six like most normal people? I have to wonder why you’re putting in such long hours to begin with. This issue is something that has to be cleared up if you have any hope of salvaging your family life. Is it possible to cut down on your time at work -- short of telling the boss to shove it, of course? Can you go to work earlier and then get home at a

decent time? If so, you can help your beleaguered wife out with her chores and the care of your child before it all goes to hell.

it’s just one kid In the second place, why is Katrina so totally exhausted from dealing with just one rug rat? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What if she had five or six kids to handle on the farm? She wouldn’t last a day out there!” Handling one child shouldn’t wipe your wife out, Brooks. When the kid takes a nap, Katrina takes a nap, right? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, I don’t think your partner is organized!” To boot, the fact that your wife snipes at you leads me to believe that she resents the fact that she’s a mother. If you read my book when you were still dating, you might have picked up on that red flag before you tied the knot, my friend, since the Dating Dictionary teaches you how to find out as much as possible about the person with whom you’re involved. Or maybe you saw the red flag and chose to ignore it. Dumb. Can “The System” keep a marriage alive? Doc Love has the answer… So, Katrina is grumpy on account of being with her daughter all week long. What did she expect to happen when she had a child? Sounds like she was clueless about what it involved, Brooks. She has to be with the kid all the time. She’s a mother, right? That’s her job, and that was your agreement.

date your wife What can you do to reverse this deteriorating situation? You should ask your wife out on the weekends. And if for some reason you can’t manage being alone with her, you should take her and your daughter and go to a park or zoo or find something else to do as a family. Here’s another idea: Get a cleaning person in twice a month to help out so Katrina isn’t so overwhelmed. Another alternative is to let Katrina go out with her girlfriends for three or four hours on Saturday to have lunch or shop and then hook up with her for your date. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If you let her out on her own, she won’t feel like she’s losing her marbles and she’ll come back in a better frame of mind.” The real problem here might very well not be that Katrina is saddled with her daughter all week long. I think your wife doesn’t like you, and her Interest Level in you is lower than it used to be. And, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She just looks to me like a lousy mother.”

Aside from being an unfit mother, your wife is blaming you for her problems with your daughter. Her Interest Level has taken a dip, and it’s on account of your relationship with her, rather than being home with the kid. She’s blaming her horrible life on that situation; whereas, the reality is that her Interest Level is not in the 90s anymore because you haven’t given her affection and romance and you’re taking her for granted.

poor brooks is working double shift I’m sure it is brutal for you having two jobs, Brooks. Especially with the long hours you’re working. I know what you’re going through, and it can’t be easy coming home to a less-thanloving environment. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Think of how brutal it will be when you have to hand over half of what you own in a divorce settlement.” That’s why you have to do something before it’s too late. Of course the Dating Dictionary contains a formula for reviving your wife’s Interest Level. My book helps you deal with ANY problem having to do with women. It makes me wonder why you haven’t already bought it and memorized it. What are you waiting for? Here’s what you have to do to bring your wife’s Interest Level back to life. You have to show her respect, give her affection and be humorous, and you have to take her out. See if you can get Grandma to babysit so you can date your wife at least once a week. And when you go out, don’t talk about the bills and the child. That’s for starters.

pick up the slack Here’s what else I want you to do: When you come home at night, even though you’re dragging your butt, take a shower, then either vacuum the rugs or clean the toilets or whatever else is begging to be done around the house. I want you to put in at least 20 minutes on the chores every night, and make sure your wife sees it. When you come to your senses and get my book, I want you to concentrate on the subject of Challenge. Even though it pertains largely to singles, you’re going to see how the principles involved carry over into married life. To you Psych majors, the techniques that caught her during the dating process are the same ones that will keep her happily married. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you have to plan for the long haul.” Remember, guys: It’s easy to make her fall in love with you; the hard part is keeping her in love.

Doc Love: Being A Challenge On The Internet

Hey Doc, I read your recent opinion on instant messaging and how it ruins any chance of being a Challenge. I was wondering if you yourself have ever actually used it for that purpose and what your thoughts about it are. Personally, I find it 10 times easier to exude mystery over the internet. When a girl knows you’re online and you don’t respond, she gets very interested in where you are and what you’re doing. When your status suddenly changes to “away” and your auto message is set to “out, text me if you need me,” you’d be surprised at the amount of interest the girls develop. I would call that a great technique for strengthening Challenge.

being a challenge on the internet Here’s something else. I often find myself talking to a buddy by instant message and when I re-open a conversation with a girl I like, after having not replied for several minutes, she’s constantly asking what I’m up to and how I’ve been. She probably thinks I’ve got other babes on the line. Again, doesn’t this make me more of a Challenge? Doc, I’m not saying that instant messaging is the best method for keeping babes interested in you, far from it. I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be discarded. In my opinion, it’s effective if used in the right way. I haven’t read “The System” yet, but from the sound of things, I don’t think you’ve incorporated this technique into your book. Let me know what you think about this, as I really want to know if it is easier to be a Challenge on the internet. Cloyd - who thinks it might be easier to be a Challenge on the internet.

doc love’s answer Hi Cloyd, I’ll make this as simple as I can for you: The reason you don’t want to use instant messaging with women is because it’s part of making contact. The only contact you’re supposed to make when you meet a woman is over the phone, either her home phone or, if she doesn’t have one of those, her cell phone. Once this contact starts, there shouldn’t be any other type of incidental contact between the two of you, nor do I want her knowing what you’re doing -that’s the essence of my strategy.

disappear and become a mystery So when you wait a week to call a girl for the second, third and fourth date, in between those times there shouldn’t be any type of contact because I want her to be wondering what you’re

doing. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, if you’re sending instant messages back and forth, in the interim, you’re undermining the entire battle plan.” Doc Love’s reader wants to know: Is it easier to be a Challenge on the internet? Your argument for instant messaging is actually full of holes, my friend. You think that you can exude mystery over the internet, but in order to try to do that you have to make contact first. To you Psych majors, contact kills challenge. Again, with instant messaging you’re undermining what you’re actually setting out to do.

keep her in the dark Furthermore, the female shouldn’t even know whether you’re online or offline. Why give her any kind of opening at all to figure you out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The babe shouldn’t know anything about you.” Not being in contact whatsoever is better than her knowing you’re online and just not responding. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says. “Yo, dawg, don’t let her know you ain’t got nothin’ better to do than fool around on your computer.” Cloyd, I’ll let you in on something else. The woman gets more interested in where you are and what you’re doing when she doesn’t know that you’re online or that you’ve been online. She would develop higher Interest Level in you if you have her thinking, “Gosh, this guy doesn’t e-mail me, he doesn’t instant message me, he doesn’t text message me, and he doesn’t phone me -- I wonder what the heck he’s up to.” And then, when you wait a week to finally call her, your odds of getting the date are much higher because you’ve been hanging back. The essence of Challenge is no contact and making her wonder what’s going on with you.

up front and personal Let me put it to you another way, my man. You should be having any and all conversation in front of her at the restaurant when you’re out on a date so you can read her body language. When you’re wasting time instant messaging, you cannot read her body language. You can’t see what’s really going on. This is the point of eliminating contact until you actually see the girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When you’re instant messaging a babe, for all you know she could be sitting on some guy’s lap laughing at you.” When you’re fooling around with the internet, the woman isn’t thinking you have other babes on the line, dude. The only way she’s going to think you have other women is by having no contact, period. So no, this tactic doesn’t make you more of a Challenge. When you stay in any kind of sporadic, unplanned contact, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. You’re right, Cloyd. Instant messaging isn’t the best method of being a Challenge to women - it’s the worst.

read and memorize, my friend The fact that you haven’t read “The System” is really the key to your ignorance. If you’d actually read and memorized my book, you would understand that the concept of mystery means she can’t find you -- at all. And she doesn’t know what you’re doing. And I don’t want you to give away even a little bit of what you’re doing by instant messaging. One more thing, Cloyd; how can you tell me what’s in my book when you haven’t read it? You can’t. Do yourself a favor and get it as soon as possible. Then sit there and read it. Then memorize it cover to cover. The techniques in my book are tried and true for 35 years. Remember, guys: The only methods that work are the methods in “The System.”

Doc Love: Are Flight Attendants Dateable? Hey Doc, OK, so here goes. I’m a successful 27-year-old architect living in Los Angeles. Shauna is a 29-year-old bombshell flight attendant living and working in Australia. We originally met on MySpace with casual flirting and in hopes of nothing but an internet friendship. A week ago she worked a flight from Australia to Los Angeles and sent me an e-mail letting me know that she would be in town for a day and a half. At first I didn’t take it too seriously and casually replied with my phone number just in case she wanted to get together for drinks and hang out as friends.

a layover’s third date To keep a long story short, we got together one night, had stimulating conversation, and such an amazing time that we decided to meet for lunch the very next day. We swooned over each other, which led to dinner plans for the same night before her flight back to Australia. During dinner, Shauna mentioned that it was officially our third date, so she was looking at our arrangement as “dating.” Since she flew back to Australia, we have talked nearly every night on the phone and sent numerous flirtatious e-mails to each other. We’ve even made plans to go out and see a musical and have dinner when she returns to Los Angeles this weekend.

flight attendants in myspace Everything seems to be going beautifully and I couldn’t really ask for more, but Doc, I sense a major thorn in this rose garden. This girl is hot. Not just hot, but Super Hot, and she’s internationally mobile via her profession. After seeing her extensive “friends” list and flirtatious ways on MySpace, a few of my female pals have put the idea into my head that she probably has a boyfriend in every major city she flies to, and that I’m just the L.A. fallback

guy. The problem is that I’m falling for Shauna. My questions are: What should I do? And are flight attendants dateable? Do I have a right to ask Shauna about her personal life since we just started dating? Should I be concerned about her flirtatious ways? Is there any hope for this long-distance relationship? Please advise. Vincenzo - who wants to know: Are flight attendants dateable?

doc love’s answer Hi Vincenzo, Wait a minute here; what do you mean you were after just an “internet friendship?” Be honest with yourself, pal. You’re not looking for internet friendship -- you want a girl to fall in love with you. Like my cousin General Love says, “Internet friendship is a big waste of time -that’s why you have buddies.” In the second place, this babe lives on the other side of the world -- so far you’re doing really good. Doc Love addresses Vincenzo’s big question: Are flight attendants dateable? You should have taken it seriously when Shauna was in town, and you should have made a date with her. And again, don’t BS yourself here -- you don’t want to hang out as friends with any female, unless it’s Rosie O’Donnell. I don’t even know what you’re trying to con yourself into here, Vincenzo. You should have been aggressive. You should have shown your strength quality of Confidence by making a date -- not waiting for her to do it. It’s obvious you haven’t read my book. If you had, you wouldn’t have made such a massive blunder.

back-to-back dates Now here’s the problem with these back-to-back-to-back dates. You had to see her a lot because Shauna was only in town for a day and a half. You had to get a lot of time in with her while she was there, but in the process you killed Challenge. You shouldn’t have swooned over Shauna, dude. We want her doing all the swooning over you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You never swoon over a babe. What are you, a teenaged girl?” It was perfect though, that Shauna was looking at your arrangement as dating. That’s what you want. But you sound like you’ve got a complaint in your voice. What’s the problem?

communication breakdown

Talking every night on the phone with Australia was another big, huge mistake. You should have told Shauna, “When you get back to L.A., give me a call and we’ll go out.” Period. No talking when she’s out of town. Another error was all those flirtatious e-mails flying back and forth. Tell Shauna to save the messages for when she gets back into town. The only e-mail you want from her is the one that says, “We’re going out next Wednesday.” On the other hand, it’s good you made a date for the weekend, but stay off the phone and forget the e-mails -- again, you’re murdering Challenge. But you swear that things are going “beautifully.” How can you say things are going so great when Shauna lives 7,500 miles away? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, do you have any idea what she’s up to over there?” You say you sense a thorn in this beautiful rose garden. The reality is that there’s a whole field of thorns between you and Shauna. For one thing, she’s flirtatious on MySpace. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “In other words, she’s in love with 50 other guys.” Are you hoping to be one of the 50? Is that your objective here? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Even worse than having guys all over the world, with that gorgeous face of hers she’s probably got two or three guys in L.A. alone.”

on cloud nine Guy, how can you possibly be falling for Shauna? You don’t even know her! What you’re falling for is her beauty. You’re sure not falling for her personality. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, if she looked like Whoopi Goldberg, you wouldn’t go anywhere near her.” What should you do? You should see Shauna when she comes to L.A. And if you’re really smart, which it doesn’t sound like you are, you should see other girls in L.A. and you should keep seeing them until Shauna says, “I’m moving to America to be with you. I want to be a U.S. citizen.” Until that happens, keep your trap shut about your feelings. Vincenzo, you don’t have the right to ask Shauna about her personal life. You don’t have any rights with this girl -- period.

she’s hot to trot Should you be worried about Shauna and all her other boyfriends? She looks like Molly Sims, right? Remember, she could be on the cover of Elle magazine. So what do you think? There would be hope for this relationship if you’d memorized my materials and done everything right. If that were the case, the odds of it working out would go from 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 10. To you Psych majors, whichever way you cut it, it’s a long shot.

Remember, guys: The key to turning off a woman is to put her on a pedestal.

Doc Love: Get Attention From Women Hey Doc, I have gone through my entire life without ever being able to attract the attention of the opposite sex. Throughout my middle and high school years every time I got up the guts to talk to a girl I was immediately shot down, laughed at, beaten up by their large (and possibly pharmaceutically enhanced boyfriends) or asked if I had been dared to do this as some form of initiation rite by my friends or teammates. This has gone on for so long that I have hardened emotionally to the point that I now only view women as part of the procreative biological process that I will not ever participate in. I thought that by going to college things would change, but they didn’t. I have tried every possible trick of the trade posted on the net or published in a book to attract females, with no bites. I have tried understanding women as everything from a mathematical enigma to some type of exotic and rare creature, without success.

a lonely life So here I am, almost 30, and still not one relationship to my credit. I own a house, a car, have a decent job, and am working on finishing my advanced college degree. I am not a good judge of myself, but I think my looks are average -- blond hair with hazel-green eyes hidden behind glasses, with a slim-to-fit build. I spend my days playing video games, modifying cars and computers, and taking camping trips to the middle of nowhere for survival training and archery practice. I am a self-taught musician and practice the martial arts. I read every book I can get my hands on, from quantum physics to the Delta Force hand-to-hand combat manual. Should I give up or spend every dime I have to surgically enhance my appearance? Or should I blow all my money and get some high-priced escorts and pray that I don’t catch something? Should I try super-concentrated pheromones? Please don’t tell me to just be myself because that advice has only brought me pain. Thank you. DeShawn - who doesn’t know what’s left to try

doc love's answer Hi DeShawn, Just the fact that you’re asking a girl out with her muscle-bound boyfriend standing right next to her -- so that he can beat your face to a pulp when you’re finished -- you’re telling me right

off the bat, and this is not meant as a put down, that you know absolutely nothing about women. If you did, why in the world would you try and hustle a girl who has a guy with 17 1/2 inch arms standing guard over her -- a brute who’s going to smash your face into the wall? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Common sense would tell you it ain’t a good idea.” The problem is that you have no common sense. So you’re coming to me with absolutely zilch ability with women, DeShawn, which you admit in your letter. Again, this is not meant as a put down. It’s just a fact, and we always deal with reality.

why not you? Thinking you’re never going to have a woman in your life in any way is an erroneous view, pal, and down deep you know it. I’m sure you see many couples walking around laughing and kissing and having a good time, and you have to wonder, “What happened to me?” And more importantly, “Why not me?” However, you have a lot of work to do, even by comparison to a guy who gets a date once every two months or so. At least that guy’s doing a little something right. But you’re doing absolutely nothing right. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re starting from ground zero.” Now, I won’t get into why you’re in this predicament in the first place because I’m not a psychiatrist. My job is to take you forward from this point, which is the end zone. You have to do everything I tell you to do in order to advance the ball up the field. You’re going to have to let me call all the plays. Get attention from the opposite sex with Doc Love's dating guide... Judging from your letter, DeShawn, you do a lot of very impressive stuff. However, you’re going to have to do some other things that are going to be very, very uncomfortable for you at first; this is the price you’ll have to pay to turn your situation around. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Otherwise, my son, you’ll have to go to the Himalayas and forget women.” Things wouldn’t change when you went to college because you were the same dork using the same wrong techniques you used in high school. If I were at your side for a week I could tell you everything you’re doing wrong -- including the way you dress, the way you walk, etc. Since that’s impossible, I can only help you through books and CDs. And that’s the only way your impasse is going to change.

you've come to the right dating guru DeShawn, I believe it when you say you’ve had no bites from girls, but you haven’t studied with me yet. All the other love doctors out there give you wrong advice or, at best, half-truths, and that’s why you haven’t been successful so far. Now you’ve found me, and we’re going to change you. If you’re willing to do a lot of hard, hard work.

You’re right that women are exotic and rare creatures. However, your interpretation of their behavior has been incorrect. Let’s look at the positive side: Your description of yourself shows that you are a very interesting guy. And you do a lot of very interesting things. Lots of women would be interested in a guy who does so many fascinating things. So you yourself are cool, dude. However, what you’re doing with women, how you approach them, what you say to them, and so forth, proves that you’re out to lunch. You’d actually be better off talking to a Martian because you’re so afraid and you’ve put such a heavy trip on yourself that you’ve made yourself a loser with women for three entire decades. Forget cosmetic surgery. It’s not your looks that are the problem -- it’s what’s going on between your ears. It’s your personality that’s your downfall, my friend. You don’t know how to talk to women. You don’t know how to act with them. You score a big fat zero in that subject. You know how to deal with guys, you can even do hand-to-hand combat with them, but when it comes to females, you’re clueless.

escorts are not the answer Getting high-priced escorts is a waste of money and you’d be going backwards. Guy, I have a super-concentrated pheromone; it’s called “The System.” And if you’d memorized it and hustled below-average girls who are overweight, you would have at least scored a couple of Starbucks dates and then we could have built on that. However, at this point, until you memorize all my techniques, nothing is going to happen. So this is what you have to do: You have to take dance lessons and improv classes. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Instead of going up on the mountain and living with the squirrels, what you have to do is learn how to ballroom dance and tell jokes.” And you have to go to Toastmasters and give speeches on my principles, no matter how much it kills you. And you have to do this until you get them down and until you’re completely comfortable with them.

the system will guide you DeShawn, you can’t give up on women, because you love them -- I know you do. Don’t be so down on yourself. I’ve turned lots of guys in your situation around, but they were willing to put in the time and effort and discipline to reshape their personalities. Because like I said before, with all your accomplishments, you’re a well-rounded guy. You’ve got a house and a job. You’ve got a lot to build on. However, you’re doing everything incorrectly, and the biggest problem is that you don’t have a clue how to talk to women. I will teach you that. Everybody tells you to be yourself, but you don’t know what “yourself” is. And you certainly don’t know how to be yourself around women. If you asked a hundred people what being

yourself means, you’d get a hundred different answers. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It’s a catch-all statement that makes no sense and gives you absolutely no help.” Remember, guys: The key to women is “The System.”

Doc Love: When Should You Call A Girl? Hey Doc, I’ve got a situation that I’m not sure I know how to deal with: I’m a 22-year-old engineer working and living in Boston. About six and a half weeks ago I met Teena, who I seemed to instantly click with -- well, at least to me it felt like we clicked. I had just started reading the Dating Dictionary at the time and I tried to adhere as much as I could to what I learned from the book. I got Teena’s number, but it turned out, unfortunately, that right at that time I learned that I had to leave town on business for five weeks. I tried to call Teena the next day. I know this was too much too soon, but I thought it would be better than waiting five weeks before calling her and telling her that I’d been called out of town. Anyway, I got no answer, which was probably just as well because I broke the rules of “The System.”

out of sight out of mind? So here’s my problem: I like this girl a lot, and I am reasonably certain that she likes me, but it’s been six and half weeks now since I’ve talked to Teena, and to me that feels like it’s been too long to call. She happens to be friends with one of my buddy’s girlfriends and I’ve been trying to arrange a “meet,” but it doesn’t seem to be working out. So, basically my question is this: Is it too late to call Teena for a date? If it isn’t, what should I say to her? Thanks for any help, Doc. You’re the man. Bilbo - who wonders if he should have heard from her and: When should you call a girl?

doc love's answer Hi Bilbo, You should have waited a week to call Teena, regardless of where you were in the world, my friend. The main point here is that you never call a woman the very next day. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Slow down, bro. She’s not going anywhere. What are you, a desperado?” You should have waited a week to call this babe, and then told her that you were out of town for a month due to the demands of your job. Simple.

To you Psych majors, you don’t have to wait five weeks to call a girl. And Bilbo, you didn’t have to call Teena from Boston. You just pick up the phone and call her from out of town. Last time I looked there were telephones everywhere and I’m sure your company makes sure you have a cell phone. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Where the heck were you that you couldn’t call -- in the middle of the Sahara Desert where there’s no cell phone service?”

work the system Guy, even when you’re abiding by “The System,” you have to be able to use your head and think creatively. It’s true that my book instructs you to wait a week to call the girl, so you have to wait a week to call. However, rather than make a date when you call, just tell her you’ll be out of town for several weeks. Doc Love gives a few more rules about when you should call a girl... Think about this: If the babe has any real interest in you, that month-long waiting period will make her crazy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll be wonderin’ what the heck you’re doin’ out in Dayton, Ohio, or Nashville, Tennessee.” The point is that even this early absence will drive up your Challenge quotient -- and her Interest Level. And it will show her that you can function in the world like a self-confident, self-sufficient man without running to the phone and calling her at the first opportunity.

break the rules and leave a message When you did call her before you left town, you should have left a message. I’m against leaving messages, but this was an extraordinary situation. You were acting as if you’re not allowed to call a girl because you were going to be away for a while. What in the world gave you that idea? How can you say that you like Teena a lot, Bilbo? You know nothing about her. What you mean is that you’re infatuated with her because she could pass for Megan Fox’s twin sister. All you know is that she’s gorgeous. And by the way, what does “reasonably certain” she likes you mean? You don’t have a clue what she thinks or feels about you. You haven’t even been on one single date with her! That said, even though all this time has passed, you have to call Teena. The fact is that you should have called after one week, but you already blew that.

ditch the double dates Forget about trying to arrange “meets” with this girl. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Leave other people out of your love life, my son. All they’re going to do is mess it up and

make it worse than it already is.” You’re lucky your buddy’s set-up attempt isn’t working out. It’s not too late to call Teena and ask for a date. Just ring her up and act like nothing happened and hope that she remembers you. And if she asks where you’ve been, tell her you had a business meeting and had to go out of town for several weeks. In other words, just tell her the truth.

learn your role bilbo You shouldn’t have heard from Teena, Bilbo. The girl is not supposed to call the guy; the guy is supposed to call the girl. Your mistake was; A) That you thought you had to ask Teena out within 24 hours, which you didn’t and; B) You should have phoned her when you were out of town. The rule is to not leave messages, but like I said earlier, this was a unique situation. I don’t want you guys breaking rules, but when you’re going to be MIA for a month after you get a girl’s number, you can leave a message and tell her you’re going to be out of town and that you’ll give her a ring when you get back. Remember, guys: You have to learn to think on your feet.

Doc Love: Too Much Too Soon Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Rosalita for a month or so; she’s right up there in the 9.5-to-10 range. She also happens to be a part-time model and active in lots of society stuff. My honest opinion is that she’s way out of my league. Anyway, ever since I met her (through a friend) we’ve been talking to each other pretty much non-stop. We see each other four to five times a week, though we haven’t been on a real oneon-one date, only group dates and sports activities. She always invites me to go to random events, and I always reply with a "yes." The truth is that I actually haven’t asked her out on a real date.

too much text and talk A few days ago we stopped talking, so I sent her a text message, but she didn’t reply. I just assumed that she was busy. Two days have passed and I haven’t heard a word from her. A short time ago, I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up the phone. I know she was just at home because one of my friends lives in the same neighborhood and saw her at her house. At this point, should I just wait for Rosalita to call me? Or should I just raise the white flag and give up? I’m kind of confused because we really hit it off, always joking and teasing each

other all the time. She’s also very touchy-feely with me, and is also pretty interested in my street-gang past. What should I do now? Beau - who doesn’t know how to separate her from the herd

doc love's answer Hi Beau, If Rosalita is a ringer for Selma Hayek, right out of the gate you’re in deep trouble. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl’s a killer. She always gets her way with men and she never gets a ticket from a cop!” However, if you think she’s out of your league, you’re selling yourself short. To you Psych majors, all you have to do is make sure that the woman’s Interest Level is higher than yours and you’re right in the game with anybody else. Forget about how high up the social ladder Rosalita is. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, if Ivanka Trump liked you, she’d go out with you and the Donald couldn’t stop her.”

fast and furious failure You and Rosalita have been talking to each other non-stop? Whoa -- where’s the fire, man? There’s the first huge mistake you made. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, the guys who come in fast are the guys who go out fast.” And seeing each other five times a week is way too much. You’re absolutely slaughtering Challenge here, Beau, which proves to me that you haven’t even looked at my material. You should be seeing Rosalita once a week and you should not be doing any group dates until you’ve had at least 10 dates in and she’s begging to be your girlfriend. The activities you’re doing with Rosalita aren’t bad in themselves, but you’re doing them all way too fast. Doc Love lets Beau know why too much too soon drove Rosalita away... You always reply to this babe with a "yes" whenever she asks you to show up somewhere? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you don’t know how to get the "no" word out of your mouth, and that’s your problem!” Dude, you have to learn to say no, at least once in a while. Beau, the point here is that if you don’t ever tell her no, she doesn’t think you have a backbone.

doomed by delayed dates Another blunder you made was not asking Rosalita out on a date. You should have asked her out, and then when she asked you out on one of those group dates, you should have told her you were busy. When you invited her out alone and refused to participate in the group stuff,

she would have been more apt to take the date -- especially if she was really interested in you. What you would have been telling her indirectly was that this was the way it was going to be. It would have been a great maneuver to raise Interest Level, but you insisted on giving away the store by going to every single thing she asked you to. Now let me set you straight on something: You didn’t stop talking to this knockout a few days ago -- she stopped talking to you. Most of you guys assume a woman is “busy” when she pulls the old dodge on you. It never crosses your mind that she just has low Interest Level -which is always the case.

texts are for wussies Calling Rosalita on top of sending her a text message was another boo-boo. And by the way, you shouldn’t be text messaging women anyway. So your buddy saw Rosalita at her house. And what exactly does that mean? It means you burned yourself out. You came on to this babe like a cyclone and now she’s moved on to somebody else. You have to face reality, pal: If she’s a 9.5, she can go out with anybody she wants. So yes, wait for Rosalita to call you; but don’t hold your breath. And don’t worry about running up the white flag -- you’re already out. Like my cousin General Love says, “There’s no point in surrendering because the battle is already over and you lost.”

it's always sweeter in the beginning Everybody hits it off in the beginning, Beau, but in your case after the first get-together it was all downhill. Joking and teasing and the fact that Rosalita was being touchy-feely are great and all, but the problem is that rather than capitalize on the good stuff, you didn’t cultivate your sense of mystery and Challenge. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Men have to learn to spoon-feed themselves.” I’ve told you that a thousand times already. So, Rosalita digs your street-gang past. And you take that as a positive, huh? What should you do now? Disappear. Though odds are that you’re already out with this girl. Remember, guys: The key to women is going in S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Doc Love: Her Ex Came Back Hey Doc,

I have been reading your column for some time now and have had great success in dating women using “The System.” Recently I started dating Gina, and unlike any of my other recent dates this one became intense very quickly. We both felt as if we had found exactly what we were looking for. Our dates lasted long and were just perfect. Gina started suggesting things we should do in the future and I reciprocated. Well, when it seemed nothing could go wrong, the most unexpected thing happened: Gina’s ex-boyfriend came back into the picture. She’d broken up with her ex years ago, but when he showed up she “realized” that she still had feelings for him.

hit by the ex wild card I was dumbfounded, as I never saw this coming because Gina’s interest in me was always above 80% to 90%. So now her ex-boyfriend is back and she’s been seeing him regularly. However, she also meets with me too (though not as often as with her ex). She says she doesn’t know whom to choose, but she has been giving him priority over me. Without this guy in the picture things were perfect between us, but now I have become a secondary guy. So, here’s my question: Should I just leave Gina, move on, and let a very promising relationship go? Or should I take a chance and wait to see if she comes back to me exclusively? Wilbert - who can’t believe his bad luck what to do when her ex comes back

doc love's answer Hi Wilbert, Uh-oh. When I hear that something became “intense very quickly,” what I’m really hearing is a guy who just got rid of the principles that snagged the girl in the first place. I want Gina to tell you that she got exactly what she was looking for, but I don’t want you telling her the same thing. It’s all right for you to have feelings for this girl; I just don’t want you to verbalize them to her so early in the relationship. What do you mean your dates lasted long? What does “long” mean, exactly? Are you talking about a couple of days here? I don’t like the word long, Wilbert. You should spend three to five hours on a date with a girl, max, and then you’re out of there. You don’t want these early dates turning into marathons.

futures are for wussies I hope you didn’t reciprocate when Gina started talking about all the things you two were going to do together in the future. What you should have said to her when she talked about the

future was “What a nice idea,” and then kept your mouth shut. You don’t have to talk about the future just because she does. Where’s your Self-Control, pal? When this whole issue of the ex-boyfriend first came up, here’s what you should have said: “Great! You have my number. Go back and see your ex, and when you’re all done with him, give me a call, and if I’m available we’ll go out. Good luck with your old boyfriend. He’s a very lucky guy to have as nice a girl as you.” And then you should have immediately disappeared, because like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You ain’t gonna hang around and be a stooge!” Wilbert's wondering what to do when her ex comes back, and Doc Love has the answers...

dumbfounded and dumb Of course you were dumbfounded by the appearance of the ex. And like most guys, you never saw it coming. To prevent these unexpected disasters from happening, you have to be on top of your game at all times. Which means that when the girl, after anywhere from four to 10 dates, asks you to be her boyfriend you have to say this to her: “Do you correspond with any of your exes?” If she says, yes, you’re then going to say, “Let’s leave things the way they are.” Meaning you’re not going to be her boyfriend. To you Psych majors; as soon as you hear about an ex, you know you’ve got problems. Sadly, it only appeared that Gina’s Interest Level was 80% to 90%. The vastly more important point was this: There was an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background.

don't be a stooge So now she’s seeing the ex regularly. In other words, she’s got two stooges on the line like a pair of stupid fish. How nice that she divides her time between you two. It means Gina’s got two guys that are idiots and she’s the boss, playing with their heads for her own gratification. And because she’s “confused,” she can’t decide what to do and she’s just going to play around with both of you while you wait in the wings for your execution. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “I should only be so confused.” Don’t fret about Gina giving the other stooge priority over you, because you’re going to make her decision very easy for her. You’re going to let her choose him. You’re not begging for anything, dude. That way at least you’ll walk out with your self-respect. When you hang around a girl who brings an ex back, and she sees both of you, she loses all respect for you. And when she loses respect for you, her Interest Level goes straight into the toilet. I feel your pain about playing second fiddle, man. But maybe you were always the secondary guy.

don't be the other guy However, you insist on calling this a promising relationship. You’ve read "The System" and you think of this as a promising relationship? I think you better go back and read it again. And this time concentrate on it. Don’t wait around for Gina to come back. Start dating other girls -- today. Like my cousin General Love says, “The best defense is a great offense.” And if you happen to run into Gina, smile, say hello, then keep walking. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You always want to be friendly, but never her friend.” Remember, guys: When there’s another guy in the picture, there’s really only one guy in the picture.

Doc Love: Making Your Next Move Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles for a long time now, and now I’m at the point where I feel like I need your help. I met Flame online. I would consider her my perfect girl. She rejected me once, saying that I was a “player,” which is arguable but on the other hand somewhat true. After a couple of months I made another attempt to prove her wrong, since she’s the only woman I’m interested in. Anyway, after a long exchange of messages, I finally got her to agree on going out for dinner. Since Flame has a very busy schedule at the hospital where she works, she was the one who decided on the day and time for our date. I went to the restaurant a little early and sat at the bar waiting for her. Three minutes past our scheduled meeting time, she texted me that she was stuck at the hospital and didn’t think she was going to be getting out any time soon.

we haven’t talked since That was a few days ago. Flame hasn’t contacted me since. At this point I don’t really know if she canceled on me because of work or if she came, saw me through the window, and decided to leave, which I really don’t want to believe. She already told me that I made her feel smothered, so I’m not really sure if I should call her. What should I do? Any advice for someone in my situation? Thank you in advance.

Stanislaus - who’s baffled as to his next move

doc love’s answer Hi Stanislaus, I’m sure you’ve been reading my articles forever, but you haven’t actually invested in “The System.” Why not? Why is it that one guy will read three of my articles and say to himself, “Doc Love really has the answers, I’m going to buy his bible right now,” and another guy will read my articles for years and not do anything to advance his knowledge and expertise? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Right there is the core of your problem, boy -- you do everything half-assed!” So you’re at the point where you finally need my help. I got news for you, Stan: If you had memorized my book, you wouldn’t need my help now. What should be Stanislaus’ next move with Flame?

she rejected you You tell me that Flame “rejected” you once already. Stan, what in the world are you thinking? This girl’s already gotten rid of you. You never even got to first base with this babe. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sure, she’s the only woman you’re interested in, but unfortunately for you, she’s the only woman in the world who’s not interested in you.” Why were you engaged in a long exchange of messages with this woman? Another mistake. Instead of all that wasted back-and-forth, you should have just asked her out. Again, you’d have known exactly what to do if you’d read my book.

she’s just not interested OK, so you “finally got her to agree” to go out with you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Did you actually have to twist her arm?” Now listen to what you’re saying here. You know the old saying about following the line of least resistance being the best course of action? You do the exact opposite, Stan. To you Psych majors, if you think that unrelenting pressure works on a woman, this proves the exact opposite. Then Flame didn’t show up when she was supposed to for your date. Do you know how to count, Stan? This is twice now that Flame has dumped you. You guys always talk about your Interest Level, but the only issue of any importance is what her Interest Level -- via her actions -- says toward you. In case you don’t know, I’ll tell you what it’s saying: She's not interested in you.

face reality, buddy Why should Flame contact you after canceling your date? She’s just being consistent. You need to face reality, buddy. You had two shots at this girl, she hasn’t contacted you since your canceled date, and what that indicates is that you’re beating a dead horse. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Persistence only works if she has at least 51% Interest Level.” I don’t know why you’re rationalizing about whether or not this girl saw you and decided to beat it. Because the point here is actually very simple: It’s a broken date. And Flame even picked the day and the time for you to get together, so it’s not like you did it and she went along with it even though it didn’t fit her schedule.

let’s recap… So what do we have here? You contact a girl online, she calls you a player, accuses you of trying to smother her, and it’s been all downhill ever since. Stan, you have to face the facts: This girl has not helped you one iota. She has not done one single thing to tell you that she likes you, and all you talk about is how she’s the perfect girl. For what? For who? And by the way, let me point out that Flame accused you of smothering her by just talking to her on the phone -- you haven’t even gotten together with her yet! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, next thing you know, you’ll be in jail for stalking!” What should you do? You have to get my book and memorize it, Stan. Because what you would learn in those pages is that the most important factor in any relationship is the female's interest level, and this girl’s Interest Level in you is 0. ZERO. But your Interest Level in her is 90%, therefore you’re doing what we in psychology call “projection.” What’s my advice? No offense, guy, but you don’t know the first thing about women. Absolutely nothing. Nada. Again, get my book and memorize it. And remember, when you find somebody who likes you, it’s a lot easier than going out with someone who doesn’t like you. Remember, guys: Just because you like her doesn’t mean she has to like you back.

Doc Love: Being The Third Wheel Hey Doc, I have a certain situation with my current girlfriend of four months, Celeste. We’re great together, and she’s told me she loves me and I think I’m in love with her also. We do everything together and have loads of fun.

three’s company But that’s where the problems start. We only have fun and are great together when we’re not in the presence of one of her closest friends, who happens to be a guy. They have what I think is a platonic relationship, but is it natural for a woman to be so concerned with one of her closest friends to the extent that she would rather sit on his lap or hug and link arms with him rather than me? And by the way, I’m the one she presumably loves. I’m perfectly OK with the two of them being together, but sometimes the way she behaves around him makes me feel like a “temp” boyfriend before she ends up with him. This situation caused serious problems in our first two months together, and we actually ended things, but got back together because we had such strong feelings for each other.

birthday bashing In terms of Celeste’s Interest Level, I would say it’s over 85%. This makes me think that there should be nothing to worry about, but lately Celeste has been spending more time with this other guy than with me. It’s Celeste’s birthday next week and I’ve asked her to dinner, but she already has plans, and guess who they’re with? Surely that’s a cause for concern? Yet, sometimes I feel selfish for wanting Celeste all to myself. So how do I deal with a situation like this? Do I end things with someone I love? Or should I learn to deal with it and stop acting selfish? I’ll be eternally grateful if you can help me. Thanks, Doc. Luis - who’s being the third wheel in a relationship

doc love’s answer Hi Luis, It always starts out with “everything’s perfect,” doesn’t it? Then the big “BUT” enters the picture, and it’s all downhill from there. It’s sad, too, because that big “BUT” does not have to occur. And it doesn’t have to occur if you read and memorize the Dating Dictionary.

your girlfriend’s a lapdog Now let me make sure I got this straight: Your girlfriend, Celeste, is sitting on another guy’s lap? Dude, I got news for you: this babe is not your girlfriend. Think about it, Luis. She’s dying to snuggle up on the lap of another male and you call her your girlfriend? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Paisan, you gotta lay off the vino!”

Celeste doesn’t “presumably” love you, guy. She tells you verbally that she loves you, but she actually loves two guys. Buddy, you’re not perfectly all right with Celeste and the other guy being together, otherwise you wouldn’t be writing this letter. And you’re not a temporary boyfriend; you’re just one of two boyfriends. Doc Love breaks down being the third wheel in a relationship… You and Celeste don’t really have strong feelings for each other, pal. That’s not why you got back together. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re together again with this girl because you’re whipped.”

check your reality at the whipping post Sure, Celeste’s Interest Level in you is probably about 85%, but like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “The problem is that her Interest Level is 100% in the other guy.” Yes, my friend, she’s more interested in your competition, also known as the blocker. And think about this: Celeste sits in your rival’s lap, she can’t keep her hands off him, she spends more time with him than with you, and you think she has 85% Interest Level in you. Whoa -Reality Check Time! Luis, I don’t have to guess who Celeste has set up her birthday plans with, because I already know: It’s the guy in the No. 1 position. In other words, it’s not you. Is this a cause for concern? Guy, the building’s on fire!

lip service with venom Whatever gave you the idea that there’s something wrong or selfish in wanting a girl all to yourself? The problem in your case is that this thing was doomed from the beginning. You should never have gone head-over-heels so quickly for this babe until the other guy was completely out of the picture. As soon as you caught wind of the other guy, you should have realized that this girl was stroking you, playing you like a Stradivarius. To you Psych majors, she’s telling you all the things you want to hear, but her actions say the opposite. How do you deal with this situation? If I were you, I’d call Celeste up and say: “Listen, baby, I really think you like your other boyfriend more than you like me, so I want you to spend all your time with him. And while you’re at it, do me a couple of favors, OK? Forget my name and forget my phone number.” Then hang up. And when Celeste comes crawling back to you, just hang up on her. Simple. But you won’t do it. You’re way too soft. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’d rather hang around and watch the other boy pet her.”

stroking your ego

Should you end things with someone you love? You’re implying here that Celeste is someone who actually likes you. You got it all backwards, Luis! Should you not be selfish when it comes to Celeste? Why not? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “As a matter of fact, I think that you two guys should find a religion that allows for two husbands and then get married to Celeste.” Remember, guys: Women are experts at working the man’s ego.

Doc Love: In Love With A Stripper Hey Doc, Here’s the situation -- but first let me say that I have dated my fair number of exotic dancers and know that most of them are easy, sleazy and all about the money. They see you as a dollar sign standing there in the crowd.

down on perverts row Anyway, I was out with a friend and we stopped into a go-go bar. I was immediately smitten with a dancer named Ava. I found out when she was working again and stopped by the club on my own. We chatted for a bit and I got to know a little more about her. I offered her my number if she wanted to chat, and she told me she didn’t date customers. I told her that calling to chat was the perfect way to get to know me. I stopped back another night to watch her dance and when she came by, I mentioned that I forgot to give her my number last time and that she probably wasn’t too broken up about it. She said she wasn’t, and then asked for it. I didn’t hear from Ava for a week. When I went back to the club, I just played it cool and when she came by she mentioned that she didn’t call because she lost my number. I said: “Yeah, right,” and she asked me for the number again. Another week went by and she sent me a text that she was working and told me to stop by. I did, and she said business was slow. So I told her that she only wanted me to come because I was a good tipper. She said: “Of course, it’s all about the money.” I said now that we have established this, I understand how to proceed.

birthday wishes Since it was her birthday, I told Ava to make an appointment at a day spa. She asked if I was going as well, and I told her no, that since it was her birthday present it should be about her. She texted me with the appointment info and I took care of the payment and I sent white roses to the spa for her. I called the spa to make sure everything went well and they said it had. However, I didn’t get a call from Ava thanking me -- nothing. I was a little angry and I didn’t

call or visit her at work. Finally, she sent me a text saying she hadn’t heard from me and wanted to know if everything was OK. I told her I was a little surprised that I hadn’t heard from her, not even a thank you. She called and immediately said that she phoned me right after the spa and it went to my voicemail, then she sent me a text. She said she didn’t know me that well, but thought it odd that I had not replied since she thought I liked her.

the neon lights down on broadway Doc, I’m not sure what to believe. I went to the club last week to watch Ava dance and she stopped by in the middle of her set and asked if I would take her to a Broadway show since she’s never been to one. Here’s my question: Does Ava like me or is it about the money? How will I know the difference? How do I act the nice guy with a little bad boy mixed in to keep her interested? It seems that when I give a little bad boy she responds. I need help as I really like this girl and she seems very guarded. I almost believe she doesn’t date customers. How do I get her to open up and how do I play this going forward? Barkley - who’s in love with a stripper

doc love’s answer Hi Barkley, What I try to do with my principles is make gentlemen. That’s why I tell you guys to model yourselves after Cary Grant in his movies. You’re telling me here that strippers are sleazy and you’ve dated a fair amount of them. And by the way, don’t delude yourself: They’re not “exotic dancers” -- they’re strippers. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “They take off their clothes to give men certain feelings that they shouldn’t have outside of marriage.” Then you tell me how much they’re into money. So, what is a classy guy doing dating strippers? Are you sleazy too, Barkley? Remember the old adage about water seeking its own level? Doc Love scares Barkley, who’s in love with a stripper, straight…

she’ll take you I’m sure you were smitten with Ava, pal. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You and everybody else in the crowd that’s walking up and stuffing $50 bills into her bikini!” Know why Ava wasn’t broken up about not getting your phone number? Because she has low Interest Level. And like you said right at the top, you’re just a dollar sign standing there in the crowd, so what else would you expect?

Why didn’t you ask her for her home phone number? The man always asks for the woman’s home phone number. He doesn’t hand his number out. What a weak pitch, Barkley. It’s obvious you don’t have my materials. And if you’re not familiar with my techniques, you can’t expect to be a success with women.

cool as a fish You didn’t play it cool when you returned to the club, dude -- you showed up again! In what universe is that playing it cool? OK, so Ava had your number and didn’t call. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Sure, she lost your number -- along with the 38 other business cards she collected that night.” You should have felt “Yeah, right,” but you shouldn’t have said it to her, because truly cool guys aren’t uptight and when you say something like that you proved that you’re uptight. So learn to keep your emotions to yourself. You went and told her that she only wanted you to come because you’re a good tipper. Why are you insulting this girl you’re trying to take out? And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “To boot, you’re dealing with a sleazeball to begin with, she’s acting like a sleazeball, and you expect her to have the morals of Mother Teresa?” You should have understood how to proceed when you walked in the building, Barkley. You must have rocks in your head.

a sucker’s born every minute However, you went ahead and treated Ava to a day spa anyway. In other words, you’re going to foot the bill for a first-class luxury treatment for this girl and you don’t even have one date in with her. If you had two or three months in with her and she was your girlfriend, this would have been a wonderful gift -- how thoughtful of you. You haven’t even had a single date with Ava. Still, that wasn’t enough. Then you sent Ava roses on top of footing the spa bill. Did you send a limo to her house with a $250 bottle of champagne too? You didn’t do enough here, guy. Of course she didn’t thank you. She wasn’t supposed to; men are about money, dummy! When you’re just doing your duty by giving all kinds of gifts to a woman, you’re not supposed to expect anything in return. What are you, a user or something? You jerk! Then you finally got teed off and didn’t visit her at work. Whoa, I bet she lost lots of sleep over that! She supposedly sent you two messages thanking you, and neither one got through. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “What’s the numerical probability of that happening?”

you’re a cash cow Ava didn’t know you that well, but she knew you well enough to accept roses and a $200 back rub. She wants to go to a Broadway show? That’s nice. You can throw in a dinner and blow another 400 smackers on her. Does Ava like you or is it about the money? The third sentence of your letter says: “they see men as nothing but money standing there in the crowd.” You yourself made the statement, Barkley, but your Interest Level in this great girl is 100%, so that realistic assessment has disappeared from your life. You went from logic and reason to nothing but emotion, and that’s your problem here. You’ll know the difference about whether Ava likes you for your money or yourself when you ask her for a Starbucks date. I’ve got bad news for you: Ava’s not interested in you at all. She looks at you as only an income-producing machine. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you don’t have any bad boy in you. The only thing you know is how to kiss up -- with your wallet.” You think she’s just “guarded.” Now, I wonder why a stripper would be guarded. How unusual. She might not date customers, but she sure doesn’t mind taking stuff from them! What to do? Why don’t you tell Ava you’re going shopping at the Rolls Royce dealership to pick out a car, and you want to know whether she wants a red or a black one? Remember, guys: Love is not for sale.

Doc Love: Dating After Divorce Hey Doc, I’m 42 years young and I live in Sweden. I’ve been reading your articles and listening to your radio shows and I just ordered “The System” minutes ago. Great stuff! I’m rather good-looking, intelligent, somewhat reserved yet witty, and I’m also a fairly successful singer/songwriter. So women have always come to me. I’ve never really had to “date” them, just slightly encourage them. Unfortunately, I’m too much of a wimp when it comes to women to even make my own choices. I just go along with any woman who shows me some interest and affection. (In other words, if she passes the not-so-hard-to-pass physical attraction test and I’m not already involved with someone else!) Then I knock myself out to make things work with her even if there are enough red flags to form a Chinese national parade.

dumbfounded divorcee

So here I am, coming out of my second divorce after five years of conflicts. My first marriage lasted 12 passionless years and I have children from both. They live with me part-time and I’m at peace with their mothers, my ex-wives. Time to move on, yes? I guess I’ve made all the mistakes that a typical Wimpus Swedus can possibly make. Man, do I need “The System”! Three questions: 1. I was never really into dating, not even in my teens. How do I know when I’m ready to try? How long do I wait after this divorce? 2. I guess it’s internet dating for me now, since I live in a small village (no nice ladies here but I can’t move away from my kids), bars and clubs aren’t my thing, and you say that long-distance relationships that I might have when touring with my act won’t work. However, on the other hand I dislike the idea of exposing my face on dating sites, since people might recognize me from the papers and television. I don’t want gossip to be spread. What to do? 3. You often refer to Cary Grant as a role model. But hey, the guy was married five times and his private life was a mess. Why him? Dag - who needs to get it right the next time

doc love's answer Hi Dag, Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Anytime you have anything to do with music -- especially if you’re in the band -- you’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes, dude.” Can Doc Love convince Dag that dating after divorce is alright?... Dag, you’re a lucky guy and you don’t even realize it. You only have to slightly encourage women because you have a perfect way to actually meet them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, man, most guys would give their right arm to be in your situation.” I know you’re a wimp, pal. Most guys are. Which is why 99% of the men who read the Dating Dictionary actually tell me “Doc, I wish I’d met you sooner!”

learn the dating ropes You don’t ever have to knock yourself out over a girl, my friend. Once you get my techniques down, you’re not going to have to expend any undue effort making something work because the girl’s going to be knocking herself out chasing you and making you happy because you’re going to finally be a challenge. This is what you don’t understand right now. But that’s OK -you will once you’ve committed my book to memory.

Is it time to move on? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, it’s mos def time to move on!” It’s never smart to remain stuck in a bad situation of any kind. But don’t do any dating until you’ve memorized my materials. And just be happy you met me. Once you’ve read my book 10 times you’ll be ready to date. How long should you wait after your divorce is finalized? When you’ve got my principles down cold, wait one day after you get your divorce papers to get back out there.

be the rock star you are Long-distance relationships don’t work, period. If the woman moves to your village, that’s another story. Then you’ve got a shot. The point is this: If you meet a girl in Brussels, and you’re there a week while on tour, you’re going to be gone the next week. You can’t build a dating relationship that way. On the other hand, like I said earlier, the good thing is that you’re able to meet women due to your work. You have to look at that aspect of it as a huge positive in your life. Billy Joel doesn’t have to worry about where the next one is coming from. Once Christie Brinkley dumped him, the next one was right there waiting for him. Dag, actually it’s perfect that people will recognize your face from the papers and TV. That’s what you want, guy! You want recognition. Again, you’re lucky, since you live in a small town, that you have a face that’s recognizable. To you Psych majors, if a girl contacts you because she knows your face, that’s fantastic. It saves you a lot of work and has her coming to you, right? What could be better than that? And since you’ll know my techniques soon, you won’t be a wimp anymore and you’ll handle these new babes differently than you did in the past. Now you’ll be the one in control -- of yourself.

popularity is a good thing Don’t ever worry about gossip. There’s always going to be gossip. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Small people love gossip, and there’s always gonna be a lot of small people.” So get past it. What do you care what other people say or think? What to do? Get on the internet and show your face. Dag, I never said that Cary Grant was a role model. Ever. Please don’t misquote me. What I said was that you guys should study his movies. Big difference! Why him? Because Cary Grant does everything right in front of the camera. And that’s the only part you’re going to see. I don’t care if Cary Grant was married 50 times, when he was up on the Big Silver, he was only married once. Remember, guys: Until you have my materials down, you don’t have a prayer.

Doc Love: Everyone's Getting Involved

Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your stuff for a while now. I’ve seen lots of suggestions that have helped me progress with women. I’m more confident in approaching them, and I know what to look for when it comes to signs of interest. I look at the shy guy I used to be and I’m glad he’s gone the way of the dinosaur, but now I have a new problem.

such a good looking boy Let me set the stage: I’m 25 years old, single and have never once had a serious relationship. I’ve had a few girls actually chase after me, but they weren’t what I was looking for in a partner. Lately, as I’m getting older, I have more and more friends (and even a few family members) questioning why I’m not in a relationship. While I tell them straight out that I just haven’t found someone who’s right for me, they believe it less and less as time goes on.

everyone’s getting involved The result of all this is that everyone’s getting involved and more and more people are trying to match me up with women I’m really not compatible with. If I’m doing something with a friend who happens to be a woman (even in cases when she’s not single), everyone likes to jump to the conclusion that she must be interested in something more. If it’s not that, I get people telling me some women are interested in me when they aren’t exhibiting any sort of indicators that they are interested, leaving me to wonder if I’m just not noticing things, or if my friends are reading too far into stuff. The upshot is that now I’m not even sure what I’m seeing myself! This may seem trivial to you, but it’s starting to drive me crazy how everyone’s getting involved. Any help you give me will be greatly appreciated. Braden - who can’t figure out what to do when everyone’s getting involved

doc love’s answer Hi Braden, With the information you’ve picked up so far, look at the improvements you’ve made without even having “The System.” You’ve only been reading the articles that are floating around in cyberspace, and you’ve already made light years of progress. Can you imagine how much further you could go with women if you actually had my book?

no problemo You don’t really have a new problem here, Braden: You’re just going up to the next level, that’s all. Since you’re no longer the shy guy you used to be, you’re realizing that you now have to progress to Stage 2. You’ve developed the ability to approach women and get their home phone numbers, but now you want something that lasts a little bit longer. You’re thinking about how many dates you can get with a certain girl, and how far the relationship can progress, and so on. That’s the normal arc of improvement. So, you’re moving in the right direction, my friend. However, everyone’s getting involved, which means you have a couple problems I can help you solve. Doc Love helps Braden figure out what to do when everyone’s getting involved… Braden, don’t be intimidated by your friends and family. I want you to discard their opinions and forget about what they say. When they bring up the subject of women and your lack of a relationship, the best policy is to give them the silent treatment. When they wait for some kind of response from you, don’t say anything. Period. Just stare at them until they start talking again. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, don’t let yourself be influenced or bullied by people who are trying to get you together with someone when they don’t have your taste.”

unless she’s exceptionally hot Here’s something else to consider: If your buddies and family don’t believe you when you tell them the truth about what’s going on with the women you see, why are you letting it bother you? When they try to match you up with incompatible females, all you have to say is: “Thanks, but no thanks.” And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Of course you can always change your mind when they come up with a hot one!” Do you know what your real problem is, Braden? You don’t listen to yourself. Conversely, you listen to other people way too much. You’re being pressured to do something you don’t want to do and it’s not working. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “All this pressure is just confusin’ you, dawg!”

their intentions are good Yes, your friends and family are reading far too much into these situations because they want to see you get together with someone. And this meddling carries its own dangers; it clouds your brain even more. Like the old Chinese proverb goes: “Sometimes, when you try to help someone, grasshopper, you end up making everything a lot worse.” If you’re not sure of what you’re seeing anymore, Braden, you need to memorize my principles in order to clear your vision. After you’ve become an expert of my methods and you stop paying attention to your friends and family, you’ll be much better off. Another problem is that you’re way too close to all these people and they’re trying to run your

life. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This does not help you see the forest through the trees, boy.” Like I said before, when they start badgering you again in the future, just ignore them and don’t say a word. Like my cousin General Love says: “This is one time you don’t have to feel the need to defend yourself, soldier.”

break the chains… Even though you’re just 25 years young, Braden, you should be all grown-up. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “By that age, you should know enough not to listen to people who give out bad advice.” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “For some mysterious reason these people have a psychological hold on you.” Break the hold, Braden. It’s your only hope of going forward. Remember, guys: When it comes to dating and love, don’t listen to other people -- listen to me.

Doc Love: Stuck In The Smoking Section Hey Doc, First of all, let me thank you for the 21st century bible you wrote for the modern man. Your “System” was good for my love life, and not only that -- it has also made me a better man. But I have a problem and need your coaching. I’ve been dating a girl, Solange, who shows all the right traits: she’s caring, a giver, flexible, and we always laugh together. Her parents love me, and I think her mother is pushing her toward catching me. Her mother has confided that her daughter tells her a lot about me. Solange and I share the same Latin dance class, and in the last few weeks, she’s been exclusive in her dancing with me. I’ve kept by your book, stayed cool, light and funny as per your rules, and I feel her interest level is rising. When we dance she gives me the long and deep look of a woman who’s interested and likes the man in front of her.

so where's the catch? All good? Alas, no: There’s something rotten, not in Denmark, but in her lungs. Solange is a smoker, a pretty heavy one, as are many women nowadays. This throws me completely for a loop. First of all, I can’t kiss her because I can’t stand the smell of smoke, even in her hair. On top of it all, being a smoker is very bad. I don’t want the potential mother of my children to die of lung cancer and leave orphans behind. But she has told me that she will stop smoking

once she has a baby. Doc, I’m running out of options. Ultimatums don’t work, I agree with you, and I have already mentioned to her that I don’t like girls who smoke and that smoking is bad. Solange agrees, but says she likes it. You said ultimatums work only on girls with high Interest Level, so should I go for it?

stuck in the smoking section I have considered telling Solange outright that I like her but that smoking is blocking me and I’m giving up on her, but I fear this could disrupt both Challenge and Mystery. I also considered telling her that I’m starting to like someone else because she always seems concerned that some other woman is pursuing me, and maybe jealousy and competition could drive her to quit smoking, but I fear this could backfire as she could just as well back off completely. So what can I do, Doc? I’ve found a potential and rare sweetheart but I don’t want smoke to ruin this chance -- I’ve lost too many in the past. Byard - who doesn’t want to die of lung cancer

doc love's answer Hi Byard, Thanks for the compliment. And yes, it’s true: the principles of “The System” do carry over to other parts of your life. When you use my techniques, you will notice many positive effects, especially in the business arena, and you’ll likewise notice that you’ll relate to other men with more confidence. Before we get directly into your problem, I want to remind you to let Solange’s mother tell you all about her daughter’s Interest Level in you, but don’t you tell her anything about your Interest Level or your relationship with Solange. Keep your mouth shut about her daughter other than saying that she’s a great girl. Divulging anything else about the situation is an invitation to trouble. There’s no question whatsoever that you have a hold on this woman’s interest. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When a babe gives you a long and deep look, it’s not because of low Interest Level.” Doc Love gives Byard the goods on getting out of the smoking section after the break... Byard, you make really excellent arguments against smoking here. It’s great that you’re dissecting all these negatives in such fine detail. And what it shows is that you’re thinking in

the long term about whether or not this girl is a potential keeper. Good work, pal. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The more detached you are when picking apart your relationship with a woman, the less liable you are to make a terrible mistake.” But Solange tells you that she’s going to stop smoking when she has a baby. Is she saying that she’s going to smoke while she’s pregnant? I hope not! What sense would that make? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That would be like closing the barn door after the horse gets out, boy!” Of course Solange likes smoking – she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t like it. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she digs it that much, she’s what you call a total addict.” So don’t go for the ultimatum, guy. It’s not going to have the outcome you want. And forget about Challenge and Mystery right now. You’ve got a massive problem on your hands because smoking is a deal-breaker for you. Think of it this way: If Solange backs off completely if you use jealousy and competition to try and force her to quit smoking, what are you really losing? You’re only losing a smoker.

smoke her out What can you do in your situation? First of all, ideally you want Solange to want to quit smoking because she knows it’s not good for her. But that’s not even an issue here because you have a girl who’s addicted to tobacco. Secondly, you could give her an ultimatum, but then she’ll be smoking behind your back, which is the problem with issuing an ultimatum in this particular case. Let’s face it, my friend: this girl’s not going to give up her Marlboro Lights. She might lie about it, which just creates another problem. Thirdly, you could date other women and let Solange see it. When she asks you why you like a certain girl, you can come back with “Well, the main reason I like her is because she doesn’t smoke!” Hopefully she’ll take the hint, ask you to stop going out with other girls and give up her nasty habit.

the bottom line But dude, I think what you really need to do is just drop the girl. And that’s your fourth choice. Tell her, “Baby, if you ever quit smoking, give me a ring.” But again, the problem with this approach is that she’s going to lie to you and puff away behind your back. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, it’s a lose-lose situation.” Remember, guys: if there’s a deal-breaker involved, you have to have the guts to walk away.

Doc Love: She's Flirting Online Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Desiree for nine months now, and up until recently, we’ve had a great time together. She’s strikingly attractive and has a friendly, outgoing personality, which I like because I’m more of an introvert. I’d also say that she is a Flexible Giver, which I know you think goes a long way in a relationship. So what’s wrong? In a nutshell it’s this: Desiree has this thing where she e-mails other guys who get in touch with her on her MySpace page. I’ve also learned that she calls some of them up. She has done this many times, and she doesn’t talk to me about it. I find this infuriating because I don’t know what’s going on between her and these men. When I complained about this behavior, she looked at me like I was nuts and said that nothing was going on, she’s just a sociable person and these contacts are just the result of having a MySpace page.

has she crossed the line? Now Doc, I am a jealous and insecure person by nature, which I know goes against “The System.” So I have recently sought counseling in order to mend my ways and become a better man because Desiree has made me feel that our conflicts over this MySpace issue are basically my fault. So here’s my question: If Desiree doesn’t tell me about these conversations and correspondences she has with these guys and keeps them a secret to protect my feelings, does that make it right? Am I overreacting in this situation? Am I being too nosy when it comes to Desiree’s computer and phone habits? Should I mind my own business and respect her privacy? Thanks for any coaching you can give me, Doc. I’m really feeling upset about what’s going on here and worried about my future with Desiree. Clive - who’s tortured in Toronto

doc love's answer Hi Clive, You mention that this girl of yours is a Flexible Giver, which presumably means her Interest Level in you is high. But what troubles me, pal, is that you didn’t mention Integrity, which is

made up of Honesty, Loyalty and Trust. If Desiree is talking to lots of other men, do you feel that’s something that really demonstrates the quality of Loyalty? Read on for Doc Love’s advice for Clive… Now let me get this straight. Desiree is writing to other guys and calling them up on the phone when she’s in love with you? That’s what you’re telling me here? Whoa. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, I’d hate to see what she’d do if she didn’t dig you!” The truth of the matter is this: This girl’s Interest Level in you is 55% and she’s not in love with you. And the problem here is that your Interest Level is 90% or above. I know you’re worried about what’s going with all these other guys, but it doesn’t make any difference what’s going on with all these other guys. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The problem is, they’re guys!”

she's in control All women, especially when they resemble Katherine Heigl, look at you like you’re nuts when you bust them. They don’t say “You know what, honey, you’re right -- I’ve been talking to 13 guys on the computer and that’s being disloyal to you. I’m not going to do it anymore!” You don’t really expect that to come out of Desiree’s mouth, do you? And you know why it won’t? Because she’s a hot chick, that’s why. She’s got all the power here. It’s a half-truth to assert that being jealous and insecure goes against “The System.” To you Psych majors out there, it’s okay to be jealous and insecure if that’s the way you feel. But you just can’t act upon it verbally with your girlfriend. You don’t show her that you’re jealous and insecure because it immediately puts you in a position of weakness. It’s okay to confide in your dog and your best friend that you’re out of your mind with jealousy, but you’re not going to be insecure with your girlfriend. And the only way you can show her that you’re all bent out of shape by what she’s doing is by opening your mouth. So keep it SHUT.

she's pulled a fast one But instead of completely losing your Self-Control, you’ve gone and paid a shrink to help you straighten yourself out. This is just beautiful! Desiree’s the one talking to other guys on the sly, she’s the one who’s got a problem with Loyalty, but she’s telling you that it’s your problem. Man, is this girl sharp or what? Are you sure she’s not one of Phil Spector’s defense attorneys? No, trying to “protect your feelings” doesn’t make what Desiree’s doing right. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If somebody robs a bank and nobody knows who did it, that still doesn’t make it right!” You’re not overreacting to this whole situation, guy, so go easy on yourself. But rather than try and talk with Desiree about it or pay a shrink, though, you should have dropped her. But of course that didn’t enter your mind because you don’t have my materials

memorized. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’d much rather be a doormat.” My friend, it’s not wrong for you to be nosy about what your girlfriend is up to when she’s doing stuff behind your back. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s okay to be a sneak when you’re dealing with someone who’s a traitor.” Therefore there’s absolutely no point in minding your own business and respecting Desiree’s privacy. These are non-issues, Clive. Stop torturing yourself, dude. You know what you have to do. Remember, guys: When she wants to talk to other guys via the computer that means she can’t be in love with you.

Doc Love: Confused By Her Double-Talk Hey Doc, Here’s the situation: A few months back I met Rosalee. She’d just gotten out of a 12-year marriage and had trust issues with men. She had a male best friend who lived with her, and she claimed it was strictly platonic. This guy works on offshore rigs here in Louisiana and is gone a good deal of the time.

she’s hiding her heart When we were just starting to date, the relationship was hard. Rosalee would never go on dates with me or even give me the time of day. The most I got were a few text messages and phone calls here and there. During this time, my father passed away and the only person there for me was Rosalee. While she had extreme trust issues, she told me that she liked me and made a trip out to my job just to see me. We spent some time together and got romantic, but she would always hide the fact that we were dating from the world. I noticed that when her platonic roommate would call her, she would dart off to another room or go outside to talk to him. In any event, we carried on with our relationship until her roommate came back onshore. Everything halted for us and she began to go everywhere with him. She blew off our planned weekend together so she could vacation with him. She knew I was upset, and she called me to talk about it, but she went anyway. When she returned, Rosalee seemed attached to me and wanted to be around me more often, just not in front of her roommate. It turned out that the roommate told her that he loved her more than just as a friend and wanted to be her boyfriend. She told me that this made her

uncomfortable, but she still seemed to like him more than me. Eventually, he went back offshore and she wanted to spend more time with me. Now, I’m confused by her double-talk.

together 4 ever Rosalee always tells me that I am the one, her soul mate, and that we are meant to be together forever. She told me she was over her commitment issues and wanted us to be together, but she still hides our relationship from her friends and told her platonic roommate that I was only a friend as well. Recently, Rosalee said a family member broke her heart and that she felt numb, but she told me she loved me and that we were still an item. However, she has not texted me or returned any of my text messages. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I want to be with this girl or if she’s worth the time wasted. What should I do, and how should I go about doing it? The last time we talked, Rosalee and I were in a relationship, but I’m confused by her double-talk and I can’t figure her out. Please help me. Dane - who’s confused by her double-talk

doc love’s answer Hi Dane, OK, so Rosalee has trust issues with men. Right off the bat, you’re telling me that this girl has Scars and Baggage, as opposed to some other women who don’t have these dangerous problems with men. So, this raises the question: Why would you pick this girl? Like the old cowboy saying goes: “You were in trouble before you even got started!” Since Dane is confused by her double-talk, Doc Love is going to give it to him straight up…

double-talk is double trouble Not only that, but she was living with a guy. I’m sure it was strictly platonic on her part, but what about him? To boot, he’s gone lots of the time, which means they have time to miss each other! You say the relationship was hard at first. Dane, I’m shocked! Why should the fact that Rosalee has major issues with men and lives with one make it tough from the get-go? What am I missing here? On a serious note, and to you Psych majors: If it’s hard, you shouldn’t be there. Relationships should be easy. You know when they’re easy? When the woman’s Interest Level starts out at

least in the low 70s. But, dude, you’ve got a basket case here and her Interest Level was low from the outset. That’s a big problem.

the thrill of the chase Heck, this girl wouldn’t even go out with you at first. That should have told you something. Yet, you didn’t leave when Rosalee wouldn’t give you the time of day. You kept chasing her, believing that persistence somehow can raise Interest Level, when this woman’s Interest Level was clearly hovering below 50%. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “It ain’t never gonna work, boy!” Nevertheless, getting just a few text messages and calls was enough to keep you in line, wasn’t it, Dane? This babe worked your ego with the skill of an acclaimed artist, by keeping you dangling on the line and never really telling you where you stood. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “This one’s brilliant, grasshopper!” You claim Rosalee was there for you in a time of grief. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Why are you bringing your dead father into a relationship with a psycho case?” And by the way, notice that now she’s got “extreme” trust issues?

impressed by a crapper Still, you’re impressed that Rosalie drove all the way out to your place of employment. Wow, she actually visited you at work? That erases all the other crappy stuff she’s pulled on you. Awesome, pal! She might pay you a visit, but she hides the fact that you two are dating from the world. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Well, dawg, that just shows how proud she is of her new boyfriend!” Hey, it’s obvious to me! Rosalee darts out when she talks to her roommate? Well, I’ll tell you why that is, guy. When she’s whispering romantically to him she doesn’t want to do it in front of you and hurt your feelings. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “What do you think this girl is, a sadist?”

offshore drilling Then, when the platonic friend came back, she dropped you like a hot potato and went everywhere with him. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Any chance she likes him more than you?” Of course not. The sad part of this is that you’re hanging around like a little scared puppy dog panting for scraps. Like my cousin General Love says: “Like most men, you’re waiting for scraps because you’re weak.” It’s also obvious to me that when Rosalee goes on vacation with the other guy, she can’t wait to get back to her true love, who is you. Dane, she won’t show you off in front of him because

she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, get it? See how sensitive she is? It’s just splendid that Rosalee wants to spend more time with you when Mister Platonic is out looking for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, because then you can get your time in with her. What a setup -- for her! Man, this girl is sharp! Still, she insists that she wants you to be her soul mate forever. Uh, Dane, when she says this stuff, does she pass the bong to you too? Here’s my theory: This babe won’t tell anybody about your relationship because she’s really a double agent -- she’s working both sides of the street. The good thing is that you know about it, but the bad thing is that you don’t dump her. Why? Because you’re a glutton for punishment. And your Self-Esteem is down in the sewer.

persistent pansy Now, at the end of all this back-and-forth, Rosalee’s not even returning your messages. Buddy, when they don’t return text messages, that means they’re deeply in love with you. Duh. You just go on being persistent like all the other idiots, and you’ll eventually wear her down. Uh, right. Actually, my friend, this girl is very easy to figure out. She’s a mess and she’s going out with two turkeys, and both of them are so weak that neither of them has the guts to tell her no -and that’s the biggest problem in America today. It’s not the economy; it’s not the terrorists; its the fact that when a man likes a woman, 90% of the time he becomes a weakling. Remember, guys: When a woman has a male roommate, you should be smelling a rat.

Doc Love: Married But Needing Variety Hey Doc, First of all, let me say that I have not read “The System” and I don’t know how any of this is going to apply. I just wanted to get that out of the way. So here’s my situation: I’ve been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who is a supportive and giving person, the best I’ve ever met. What’s the problem? Well, in a word, it’s boredom. Before you attack me for what I’m going to tell you, please consider that there must be millions of guys in my position, which is happily married but needing variety.

cheating with dignity

Now, I would never even consider cheating on my wife with someone in the neighborhood or one of her friends, but there is an online organization -- I won’t say the name -- that promises discreet affairs with a like-minded woman. Everything is supposed to be thoroughly screened, etc. I decided to shell out a few bucks and join. To make a long story short, I got hooked up with “Angelina” and we exchanged some e-mails. Now we have a date to meet in a few days to begin what we both assume will be a no-strings-attached, harmless, completely secret and discreet extramarital relationship. I thought I wanted to go through with this, but now I find myself very anxious, almost panicstricken with chest pains, at the thought. It’s not that I don’t want to meet Angelina, don’t get me wrong. It’s more that it feels very dangerous and I hope I know what I’m doing.

bored of the bride Doc, what do you think of a guy who is married but needing variety and getting involved in something like this? Don’t we all deserve some variety in life when our primary relationship has petered out, but is still worth saving? This is a very difficult dilemma for me. If you were me, would you go ahead and meet Angelina? Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to give me. Fernando - who is happily married but needing variety.

doc love’s answer Hi Fernando, What you’re saying right up front is that you don’t know where I’m coming from since you haven’t read my book. Let me explain to you where I’m coming from: When you meet a keeper, you’ll want to stay with her and keep her happy for the rest of your life so she never falls out of love with you. That’s what “The System” is all about.

the truth about marriage Now, let me explain something else to you, pal. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Boredom is part of marriage, grasshopper.” You might not want to hear that part of it, but it’s true. When you’re married for a long time to someone, you’re going to get bored -- that’s part of the deal. You just have to tough it out, otherwise you shouldn’t get married. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “The problem is that nobody tells you that.” Sappy love songs and TV shows sell the idea that marriage is fun and games and sex every five minutes. The reality, however, is something much different. Of course there are millions of guys in your fix, Fernando. The difference between you and the vast majority of married men is that they don’t do anything about it. And the ones who do

do something about it are making a huge mistake, because they are breaking a contract. Doc Love has more advice for the guy who is married but needing variety…

discretion guaranteed Yet, you’re proud of the fact that you’re not going to cheat on your wife with one of her friends. Now wait a minute here. You’re trying to make this deception sound like the right thing to do because you’re not going to do it with the divorcee next door? Dude, you’re twisting the truth. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “What you’re really doing is trying to ease your guilt.” I know what you think you’re going to have with this so-called “discreet affair,” but there’s one word in your description of what’s going to happen that’s a big, fat lie: harmless. What you’re about to do with this Angelina is anything but harmless. You’re making a big mistake, Fernando, if you really think this sleazy little rendezvous doesn’t hurt anyone. It not only hurts your lovely wife, it hurts you by eroding your own Self-Respect. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “And don’t forget to watch out for diseases -- the ones you can bring home to your wife.”

anxious adulterer All of this wonderful romantic intrigue has given you the symptoms of a heart attack. Your body is trying to tell you something here, guy, and what it’s telling you is that you’re about to do a big no-no. It shows me you’re basically a good guy because you’ve got a conscience, but you’re getting chest pains because you’re about to -- excuse the expression -- “screw over” a woman who’s been a good and loving wife to you for 25 years. But because you’re bored you’re going to take it out on her. Deep down, that bothers you, Fernando. That’s what your aches and pains are shouting out to you. You feel that you don’t know what you’re doing because you don’t know what you’re doing. What you’re about to do feels dangerous because it is dangerous. To you Psych majors, you’re playing with fire when you commit adultery. In the Good Book it says: “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and you’re going to commit that sin because you’re merely bored. Think about it, Fernando. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you always have to calculate whether the danger is worth the reward.” What do I think about what you’re doing? I think it’s very bad for a guy to get involved in something like this. One minute you’re telling me you have a great relationship with your wife and the next you’re telling me you’re trying to save it. Part of living with anybody -- I don’t care if it’s your dog or your best buddy -- after you see her every day for 25 years, is boredom. Boredom is going to set in at some point. If you had my book and you learned how not to be boring -- or bored -- with your wife, you’d be doing a lot better with your marriage and you wouldn’t be thinking about joining this upstanding organization for sinners.

cancel the catastrophe If I were you, I’d get in touch with Angelina and cancel this assignation. And get out of that adulterers’ club while you’re at it. You’ve given your name and vital information to an organization whose reason for existing is underhanded. Let me ask you a question: How would you feel if you found out your wife joined this organization? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If you knew she was catting around, then maybe your life wouldn’t be so boring, huh?” Remember, guys: If you want to commit adultery, get divorced first.

Doc Love: Blindsided By Love Hey Doc, It will surprise you to know that your material is indeed the truth! I live in Africa and your techniques work here as well as they do in America. I met Ebony during my first year in school. She seemed interested in me and was always finding reasons to hang out with me. I asked her out after being a Challenge, and she told me she’d like to be with me but she had problems with her current boyfriend that she needed to resolve. I simply put her out of my mind and moved on.

sophomore seduction Well, in my second year of school she came on strong, telling me she always liked me and even though she blew her chance with me the first time around she still wanted us to be together. She was all over me, maybe even blindsided by love. I’d even rate her Interest Level at that point to be in the 90s. I asked her out, and we’ve been dating for nine months now. Ebony even said she wanted to have my babies and started talking about marriage. About a month ago she started calling me less and being a little distant. I followed your teachings and backed off. This pattern continued for a while and after confronting her, she said she was doing it on purpose to see if I’d call her, which I didn’t. I talked to her about her behavior and she said she wasn’t herself and that I should give her time. I even went to the extent of accusing her of not being interested in me anymore and she denied it. The last time I confronted her about the situation she cried and started talking about marriage again -- as if she was blindsided by love once again.

digital detective

A few days ago I was using her computer when I discovered photographs of her and another guy that she’d cleverly hidden. I confronted her about it and she got angry that I went snooping. Doc, I’m fed up with this situation and urgently need your advice on this one. Usman - who feels blindsided by love or something

doc love’s answer Hi Usman, Actually, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that my principles work in Africa as well as in America. “The System” cuts across all geographical, cultural, religious, and sociological boundaries”. Every woman from Montana to Madagascar wants a guy who is a humorous Challenge. That’s what my program will make you.

usman has a pair It’s not that Ebony had problems with her current boyfriend that was a big red flag, pal, it was the mere fact that she had a boyfriend in the first place. Whether or not they were getting along was not the issue and beside the point. Their problems had nothing to do with you. I’m glad, however, that you put her out of your mind and moved on. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “That shows some cojones, as we say here in America.” Was Usman’s girl really blindsided by love or did she just lose interest? It was wonderful that Ebony’s Interest Level the second time around was in the 90s, but that’s exactly when it becomes difficult. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have to make sure that the ether doesn’t wear off.” To you Psych majors, that means that you have to keep her Interest Level in the 90s. That’s what my techniques are about. Ninety percent of American -- and African -- males can get a girl to fall in love with them, but it’s keeping the Interest Level way up high that’s the tough part. But, Ebony did start talking about marriage and babies. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. So far; so good.

complacent with the devil Then something happened. When she called less and started acting distant, it meant her Interest Level was dropping. In turn it signified one of two things: First, that her Interest Level never really reached the 90s and that you overrated it. Or second, like a lot of guys who get “The System” and have a little success with it, you got sloppy and lazy. You said to yourself: “Hey, this girl is already talking about marriage and babies. What the heck do I need Doc Love for?” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s the little devils talking in your ear, dawg.” Your response to this crisis was confrontation. Usman, you NEVER confront a woman. If you

read my book, you know that confrontation doesn’t work. You’re supposed to back off, and backing off is nonverbal. You’re supposed to show the girl by your actions that you mean business. You never sit down and discuss why her Interest Level is dropping. Begging her for attention at that critical point will only make things worse.

interested women don’t test men The result of your confrontation was that Ebony tried to convince you that she was just testing you. My friend, women who have an Interest Level in the 90s do not test their men. However, you went ahead and confronted her again, and this time she said you had to give her time. Whenever you hear such dreaded phrases as “Give me time” or “Give me space” or “Give me some distance,” etc., it’s Womanese for “You’re on your way out!” Of course Ebony’s going to deny that she’s not interested in you, Usman -- because it’s the truth. As the great Doctor Freud once said: “Women don’t deny a lie -- they just deny the truth.” Don’t forget that even if she’s not interested in you anymore, she wants to keep you dangling because it’s good for her ego to have men chasing her.

waffling emotions and women After yet another confrontation, she cried and talked about marriage. Hey, this is great! One second she’s withdrawing from you, and five minutes later she’s talking about marriage. That’s called inconsistent behavior -- a real good sign that everything’s going well! Then came the coup de grace: You found photos of another guy. Oh, you mean there’s another man lurking in the background? You mean she forgot to erase the pictures of her draped all over that other guy? Wow! This girl is just loaded with integrity! She’s a real keeper! Dude, you handled this situation all wrong by continually confronting Ebony verbally. Remember what I say in my book: You can never win an argument with a woman, so don’t waste your time. Remember, guys: When you find secret photos of her with another guy, you know it’s over.

Doc Love: Long-Distance Love Hey Doc, I recently started to pursue Catrina, a girl I know from college. Yeah, I can hear you saying

“disaster” already. Not so. In college we were not much more than friends. We had classes together, worked on projects together, but I never gave her the time of day beyond that. I played the “I’ve got more important things to do, other women to see” role. I knew that I wanted her, but didn’t want her to think I was interested in her just because she’s beautiful. Anyway, six months went by and I ran into her at an unplanned social occasion. She and I hit the right chords and have seen each other a couple of times since. I’ve told her things like, “Beautiful women are very common. What’s rare is a great outlook, energy and personality.” It just so happens that she has all these. She talks about the future a lot and so far it has been great. Beautiful, right? Well, here’s the hitch. I live a couple hours away from Catrina.

staying on her mind She has lots of male friends, but jealousy is not a factor for me because I’m confident. But I’m not stupid enough to think that these other guys don’t have the same thing on their minds that I do. Catrina knows I have other options out there and I know that she does too. So, how do I stay in the forefront of Catrina’s mind when I see her only maybe once every three or four weeks? We always say we hope to see each other sometime soon and part ways without planning anything. While trying to keep myself in the forefront of her mind, how do I do so in a way that says, “I’m interested but not hung up on you?” The reason I ask this is because I don’t want to get all wussy on her and push her away. Anyway, Doc, if you can help it would be great. Warwick - who’s long-distance love is causing some strife

doc love’s answer Hi Warwick, The reason I would say you might be flirting with disaster from the get-go with Catrina is because you’re dealing with a young girl here, an 18 to 22 year old. And you know how I feel about them -- they’re not grown up yet. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When they’re babies, they’re nothing but big trouble.”

following the system The role you played with this girl when you were in college was absolutely fantastic. I can’t emphasize enough how great it was. If more guys would grasp the following ideas -- not showing your hand, playing it cool and allowing the woman to have time to come on with you first -- they would do a lot better in the dating game. And not displaying that you were in love with Catrina just because she’s beautiful was admirable on your part -- as if she didn’t know that already. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “When they look like

Beyonce, don’t think they don’t know it, dawg.” Can Warwick make his long-distance love work? Read on… But I have to ask you this question, Warwick: Why in the world didn’t you ask this girl out as soon as school was over? Why did you let six months go by before asking her for a date? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You gotta make a move, man -- this chick could have been married by the time you got around to opening your mouth.” We know that Catrina is a beauty, and now you say she has all these other wonderful qualities that make her a definite keeper. Dude, I’m getting jealous just sitting here reading your letter! But hold on a minute. You’ve only had a couple of dates with this girl? My friend, you can’t be thinking about a relationship with Catrina. You don’t have nearly enough time in with her. If you had pitched her when your class was over, you would already have had six months in with her. Like my cousin General Love says: “If you’d taken early action, you would have had a strong beachhead established by now, soldier.” But you didn’t, and that’s why you’re in the situation you’re in.

slipping through his fingers Here’s another thing. If you’d have asked Catrina out earlier, you would have found out where she was going to be living and you wouldn’t have been blindsided by the perplexing distance issue. You would have known where she was going and when or whether she was coming back. Being confident is a great thing. And the way you get and maintain Confidence is by memorizing “The System.” You’re going to need it, buddy. You’re going to have a lot of competition, because these male friends of Catrina’s are going to be asking her out to Starbucks for coffee every night when you’re not around. Why wouldn’t she be tempted? You’re not around. And you only have two dates in with her. If you’d dated Catrina for those six months after school ended, you would have had solid time in with her. Warwick, I don’t understand how you could be so sharp in so many other areas and yet you waited around with Catrina. As the sales manager said to the salesman: “You didn’t ask for the order.” Of course you and Catrina have other options. You’re a sharp guy and she’s a Beautiful Woman. So, you’re both going to have lots of choices, which are good, since you can’t stay in the forefront of Catrina’s mind when you only see each other occasionally. But I’ll do my best to help you in your predicament.

take initiative When Catrina says that she wants to see you again “soon” when you’re on your dates, she’s asking you to set something up. Why don’t you ask her out, pal, instead of keeping things vague and indefinite? To you Psych majors, when they live far away, you’re forced to go

against “The System.” At the very least, what you should do after you see her is phone her five days later and plan something definite. How should you play it? Abide by my book and you won’t have any problems at all. What you didn’t tell me in your letter is how long this girl is going to be living so far away from you. Is her living situation permanent? Where does her family live? Does she have plans to move closer to you? You left out key information that would have enabled me to give you a much stronger plan of action here. Because you only have two dates in with Catrina and she lives a hundred miles away, you have to face the fact that there are going to be too many guys hitting on this girl. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “I don’t care how great you are, my son, those other fellows are going to be able to get time in with Catrina behind your back.” Remember, guys: Unless you utilize my principles on a consistent basis, the odds will be stacked against you.

Doc Love: Maintain Challenge When You Have A Crush Hey Doc, I’m a faithful reader of your columns, and I’ve just ordered your book and I’m waiting for it to arrive. I’ve read several books by other love doctors and so I somewhat understand “Challenge” and other concepts that seem to be common to you all. I have absolutely no problem getting girls or even dating them, but it’s usually when I’m emotionally detached. However, I always get stumped when I end up having a crush on a girl. I am in a predicament right now and would love your advice.

i want to eat my cake I just started work in a new city where I met Maddie, who went to the same college as me. We both now happen to work for the same company, although on different projects so we hardly get to see each other on the job. However, we do talk online via internal instant messenger and have lunch together as often as possible. We always go to happy hours together and leave together. We hang out on the weekends and have made out on numerous occasions. However, we’ve talked about dating and she says that she’s not looking for a relationship and that she still has feelings for her ex, who lives 30 minutes away. They dated for three years and only recently broke up, but still “see” each other. Now, via her friends and from her saying it, I know Maddie really likes me and is somewhat interested in me, but I want it to be more than that since I have a major crush on her.

maintain challenge when you have a crush

I have tried being a Challenge to Maddie by not talking to her for a few days, but we always end up doing something together. Also, I figured that to get over her I need to cut her out of my life, but then I think hey, I’m potentially losing a real good friend here because I can’t keep my emotions in check. My question is this: What should I do? Should I do things to make Maddie more interested in me? Should I stop making out with her when we go out? Or should I cut her out of my life entirely or even just come right out and tell her I like her? This is probably longer than you’re used to, but I’m in dire need of coaching. Jolyon - who’s confused in the Northwest and having trouble maintaining challenge when he has a crush

doc love’s answer Hi Jolyon, Ordering my book is the best thing you have ever done in your life, because after you memorize my principles, women will never look at you in the same way again. Before we move on, I have to correct you on something. Very few other love doctors out there mention Challenge, but I’m happy that you’ve got some understanding of the concept.

keep your emotions in check Now, let’s move on to your situation. My techniques teach you how to remain emotionally detached when your Interest Level is in the 80s or more. That’s the hard part for guys, and that’s what you have to learn. To you Psych majors: When your Interest Level is 55%, dating a girl is no big deal and it’s easy to be cool. When your Interest Level is shooting above the stars, however, that’s when the going gets tough and the entire enterprise becomes a lot more difficult. And Jolyon, don’t use the word “love” anymore; try “like” instead. Doc Love teaches Jolyon how to maintain challenge when you have a crush… If you want Maddie to be your girlfriend, you shouldn’t be texting her and hanging out with her every night of the week. Let’s face it, man, since Maddie is spending all kinds of time with you and you’re making out with her, it looks like she’s your girlfriend -- but there’s a bad part. She’s not looking for a relationship. I’ll bet you were the one who brought the subject up, right? Massive mistake. Why are you talking seriously about a relationship? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Keep your mouth shut about heavy stuff and keep taking her out and making her laugh.”

don’t talk about other men

There’s something else in the mix here. She still has feelings for her ex. So, now we have a huge problem. My friend, you brought this down on yourself. If you had given the situation time and continued to just go out with Maddie, she would have gotten rid of this other guy. You, however, had to open your big mouth and bring him up, and she decided that she wanted to keep him. Why are you talking about other men? Worse, she still sees this guy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “So, now she’s making out with two dudes, right?” You’re not just talking to Maddie; you’re also talking to her friends. Why are you yapping to this girl’s friends about your love life? Man, you got a lot to learn. Gosh, every time you turn around you’re doing something else wrong. Of course Maddie’s somewhat interested in you. She’s going out with you all the time, isn’t she? But we have a boyfriend lurking in the background. That’s a major no-no. So, don’t indulge your major crush on Maddie. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Until the other turkey is gone, you ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

crushing temptation You end up doing things with Maddie all the time because you’re weak. And your Interest Level is 88%. If it were 55%, you’d tell her no, I can’t hang out with you tonight because I’m busy. But like most other weak guys, you’d rather die before you did that. Jolyon, you have to figure out what you want from this girl: Do you want to be her good friend or her boyfriend? You’re not going to settle for being a good friend to Maddie. You don’t want to be her good friend. Why are you even bringing that term up? Face the truth: You want to be Maddie’s boyfriend and you want the ex to be gone. So why are you mumbling about being a good friend? Forget friendship. Here’s what you do: Cut down on the amount of time that you see Maddie until she’s asking you to do things with her. And stop making out with her. Just kiss her on the doorstep at the end of the night. Doc Love has some final tips to help you remain detached during your crush... Why in the world would you come out and tell this babe you like her? She just told you she’s not open to a relationship, didn’t she? On the other hand, there’s no reason to get rid of her because she’s going out with you whenever you want. You’re in dire need of coaching? Boy, you can say that again! Cut out the instant messaging and see this girl only once a week. If she wants to go out one night a week, tell her fine, let’s go. When she asks you for another night, however, tell her you’re busy until next week. When she starts begging you to go out a second and third time during the week, that will be the signal that her ex is history.

predictable intentions The problem, Jolyon, is that you’ve been way too available and too predictable. You’re telling me you’re working Challenge? You haven’t been working Challenge. Pal, you don’t know anything about Challenge. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Thank the Lord the book’s in the mail, dawg!” Remember, guys: when you talk about serious stuff with a woman, you only get into trouble.

Doc Love: Friend Or Foe? Hey Doc, My question is about something you haven’t covered before: dealing with intelligent blockers. I’m a good-looking, 23-year-old man who happens to like two girls. My roommate -- I’ll call him David -- who’s not as good looking as me but definitely has more going on in his career, is also interested in them. I believe that David uses dirty, underhanded tactics to manipulate and convince these girls that there’s something wrong with me. He's trying to keep me excluded from the girls. The tactics involve repeatedly telling these girls by e-mail and telephone that I am always upset and depressed, and that I’m childlike and really sweet (which I am not).

smear campaign The upshot is that David is convincing these babes that I’m a Wuss, which I most definitely am not. I know he’s doing this because the girls have repeatedly asked me if I was OK, and if I was unhappy when there was no reason for it. Doc, I know it’s him who’s doing this. And I’m sure this private-messaging business is not the only strategy in his arsenal. David is a coward. What he does, he does subtly, so subtly that he would never admit it, but it’s obvious enough that I notice it.

an eye for an eye? So, how do I cope with these politics of envy? If anyone knows how to deal with this, it’s you, Doc. Do I fight fire with fire, ignore the issue or take it up directly with David? I have read your book and memorized it. In fact, the chapter on Blockers has received special attention recently, but I’m still puzzled. A lot of people criticize you for being too harsh, but I

respect that you tell us guys straight out how it is with women, and a lot of men need to wake up and follow your directions. Greame - who knows he’s not being paranoid

doc love’s answer Hi Greame, Actually I do deal with Blockers in my book -- every species of Blocker -- but you have to develop the ability to piece together my various techniques in order to recognize all those Blockers, and you haven’t quite reached that stage. You haven’t penetrated my principles deeply enough yet. You will though, the more time you spend with the Dating Dictionary. Now, I know that you like these two girls, but you’re omitting the most important question: How much do the girls like you? Are you wasting time when you should be getting proactive? How will Greame deal with this scumbag? Read on to find out…

rise above the pettiness I know you feel bad that David uses dirty tactics to undermine you, but like my cousin General Love says: “All’s fair in love and war, soldier.” This means you always have to be prepared for whatever gets thrown at you, and you do that by adhering to "The System." But don’t worry -- David’s not really convincing these girls of anything. He’s trying to convince them of something. What you don’t realize, pal, is that the more this guy puts you down, the more he’s actually helping you. Because the intelligent girl says to herself: “Why is somebody always knocking this guy when he’s not really a Wuss?” And you only want an intelligent girl anyway, don’t you, Greame? What you have to do in this situation is go with the flow. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Let all this crap roll off you like water off a duck’s back.” Defuse all the negative stuff said about you with the greatest weapon of all -- humor. You’re not supposed to defend yourself here, and you don’t have to. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When you put on a serious defense of yourself, you give this blocker credence.”

stay away from saboteurs As soon as you get some money together, you have to get away from this creep. You don’t want to live with a sneak and a traitor, do you? That’s what this guy is. As soon as you can, get your own place or get him out of yours. Here’s something else; like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Most men get goofy when it comes to relationships.” In other words, some guys will back-bite you and they don’t see

anything wrong with it. Heck, if you came straight out and asked David if he was blocking you, he’d probably tell you no. He’d probably say: “Oh, no, Greame, I was just kidding! You know I like you -- I’m your roommate!” How do you cope with the politics of envy? Like I said earlier, by being funny. When one of the girls asks if you’re depressed all the time, you say: “Yes, I am. I’ve got so many girls after me that I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. The only time I’m not depressed is when I’m around you.” In other words, make a joke out of it and move on.

laugh it off Should you fight fire with fire, ignore David or confront him head on? None of the above. All three of your guesses about how to handle this situation are wrong. Let me tell you something, buddy. Doc Love is not harsh. Reality and truth are harsh, but most people -- and I mean most guys -- live in a bubble. They are run by their emotions and don’t see reality when it comes to women. When you look at their love lives, the divorce rate and how often they get dumped by women, you’ll see that all I’m trying to do is coach them to face reality. Remember, guys: Never let them know that they got to you.

Doc Love: Imperfect Strangers Hi Doc, I met Pasha online recently and have spent the last two months chatting with her through instant messaging about three times a week, for hours at a time. (I’ve just read some of your columns and have realized that I might be making some mistakes.) I felt like I was getting fairly close to Pasha, joking around with her and talking about all kinds of stuff. We haven’t actually met in person, but we’ve exchanged photos.

she’s a busy girl Last week I found out from Pasha that she just got a boyfriend. I congratulated her on having a boyfriend. She said that another one of her guy friends who she was talking to online got angry at her, saying: “How could you do this to me when I like you?” She asked me if we were still friends, and I said I was happy for her and jokingly added: “If it doesn’t work out with this new guy, I’m still here.” To which she replied: “You wouldn’t wanna date me anyway. I’m annoying.”

Pasha defended her new relationship. She told me that her new boyfriend is not the type of guy she normally goes for and that she’s taking it slow. She’s a shy girl and hasn’t been in a relationship for a year, and does not seem like the type to play games with guys, especially multiple guys at the same time.

did he miss out? Now that Pasha has a boyfriend, I’ve found myself thinking about her a lot more. I’ve been wondering whether or not it’s a good idea to invite her out, because that way I can see how I feel about her. It might be easier to move on if I find there’s no spark between us. Is it a good idea to stay friends with Pasha, and if the time comes when she’s single again to try and move in on her? Finally, could it be that I may have missed out because I didn’t get face time with her? Thanks for your help in advance. Fraser - who’s at a loss for what to do

doc love’s answer Hi Fraser, When I read a first sentence like yours -- that you spent hours talking to someone you’ve never seen, which is a huge mistake straight out of the gate -- it makes me wonder how many other mistakes you’re making on top of that one. You’re not just making one mistake by instant messaging with this woman -- you’re opening up the floodgates for what’s to come. Fraser will have to figure out what to do with this imperfect stranger after the jump... To you Psych majors, you cannot get close to a woman without face time. The sole purpose of instant messaging is to do it only once or twice -- then go and meet her at Starbucks. That’s the correct procedure, and deviating from it means trouble. Talking for hours on end to a woman when you haven’t passed the physical attraction test is like driving past the bank, throwing a bunch of greenbacks into the air and hoping that somehow they’re going to end up in your account. You wouldn’t do that, would you, Fraser? Well, this is even worse.

too much information Now, let me get this straight. You told Pasha that if things didn’t work out with her new boyfriend, you’re still going to be around? Wow -- you sound like a big challenge, man! This babe is going to have to work really hard to get you! But seriously, like most weak men, you are too available. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “This woman is dying to chase you, she’s desperate for some mystery, and you’re just an open, boring book.”

It’s very curious that Pasha told you that she was annoying. Pal, when a girl puts herself down, that means she has zero interest in you. She’s basically begging you to stay away from her. Who cares what she’s doing with this new boyfriend of hers, whether she’s taking it slow or fast or medium? The point is that she’s making out with him and you haven’t even met her. All this superfluous information she’s handing you about this guy doesn’t mean anything. Fraser, you haven’t even set eyes on Pasha in person. You don’t know a thing about her.

she’s the real mystery How do you know Pasha hasn’t been in a relationship for a year? Maybe she’s a pathological liar and a user and a stroker, have you thought of that? Oh, but I’m sure she’s a regular wallflower. Counting you and her other angry guy friend and her new boyfriend, I count three turkeys on the line right now. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This girl is real shy, all right!” And it shows me how sharp you really are, my friend. This babe is running a big con on you and you’re convinced she doesn’t play games? What this tells me is that your interest level is 100% and hers is zero. But you insist, without a shred of evidence, that she doesn’t work multiple guys. Well, she’s got a boyfriend, two other guys mooning over her, and she’s probably instant messaging four or five other saps like yourself. Forget about taking this girl out, Fraser. There is absolutely no spark between you two. Forget about staying friends with her and trying to move in on her later. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “This girl wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last man on the face of the planet.”

face time is what counts Did you miss out because you didn’t get face time with Pasha? That’s the only sane question you’ve asked. Sadly, Fraser, not only did you miss out by not getting face time in with this girl, you did everything else wrong too. Just make sure that when you order my book that you have it delivered by overnight mail. This is an emergency. Remember, guys: When a girl tells you that she’s annoying, that really means she’s annoyed by you.

Doc Love: Going out with beautiful women

Doc Love: Choosing The Better Woman

Hey Doc, I just started reading your articles. I have to say you really know what you’re talking about. I ordered a copy of your book today, but I could really use some help because I’m about to get myself into a tricky situation this weekend. I met Celestria at a bar a week after I broke up with my girlfriend. The first time we locked eyes there was a spark. We started talking and found out we have a lot in common. She is a great girl -- smart, funny, pretty, and has a good job as a kindergarten teacher. I really enjoy her company and I’m very attracted to her. We exchanged numbers and eventually went out for a few drinks. Things have been going good but slow so far, which is fine with me. I just got out of a long relationship and I needed to reset myself. Celestria and I have only hung out a few times since we met and two of those times we were out with her friends. I don’t need “The System” to tell me it was a bad idea, but it was either have the friends there or not see this girl at all. She’s very busy and I’m not full of free time either. We also had plans to have dinner, but she canceled twice. Those were big red flags. One cancellation was because her friend had a baby; the other was because she was sick. Both excuses were true, but Celestria could have made the dates if she really wanted to.

canceled plans What bothers me is that she has baggage, and I think I might be wasting my time. I won’t drag this it out with all the details; let’s just say Celestria’s had a rough couple of years with her family and an ex-boyfriend. Because of what she’s gone through, she has a hard time trusting new people, especially new men. I admire her honesty and I can relate to what she’s gone through as I have gone through similar things. This is why I’ve hung in with her. It seems like Celestria’s Interest Level is somewhere around 40%, considering she has avoided hanging out with me alone. I think her low Interest Level has less to do with me and more to do with her baggage. I think she’s perfectly happy being single and is avoiding any kind of relationship. I think she’s kissed me because she really does like me though.

plan b Anyway, here’s the situation: This weekend my friend is having a party. There will be a girl, Katie, at the party who is in a similar situation as me (recently free from a long-term relationship) but she’s interested in meeting me. The catch is that Katie knows Celestria. So hooking up with Katie will certainly kill anything I have going with Celestria. I don’t want to invite Celestria to the party because that will just be another group date. I like her, but I don’t want to blow off a good opportunity with Katie only to be messed around more by Celestria. What should I do?

Brendon - who’s never been so confused

doc love's answer Hi Brendon, First of all, I want you to look at what you did here. You read a couple of my articles, you didn’t find anything you disagreed with, and you ordered my book because you know you’re going to get more great stuff from it. I want to congratulate you on being open to improving yourself and your love life. Ninety percent of men out there could read a hundred articles but they wouldn’t study my book if I gave it to them for free. That’s why they’re in the condition they’re in when it comes to women. That said, you still have a lot to learn, my friend. Look at what’s happening with Celestria. Let me explain something to you. You don’t know what you have in common with a babe after just one encounter. What you have in common is nothing more than physical attraction. That’s all. How do you know she’s such a “great girl”? You just met her, didn’t you? So how could you possibly know? She might have a good job, but how does she function in romantic relationships? That’s what counts. Sure, you’re attracted to her -- but how attracted is she to you? Is she really available? Those are the critical questions. Read on for Doc Love's full diagnosis of Brendon's problem... When you saw that all of Celestria’s friends were hanging around, you shouldn’t have seen her at all. That’s your problem here, dude. You went along with a bad arrangement from the get-go. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’ve already sucked up to this girl, boy.”

don't be a sucker Don’t rationalize this mess because you’re both busy. If this girl can’t find an hour and a half for lunch in the seven days of a week, something’s wrong. Now let me get this straight: Celestria canceled two dates on you in one week? You mean she broke one date and you went back for more punishment? What’s wrong with you, Brendon? Man, you do need to read my book, and fast, especially the chapter called “Broken Date.” By the way, those weren’t red flags you were seeing -- this girl’s out. Period. I’ve been on hundreds of dates and have never broken one. Who cares if Celestria has baggage? She breaks dates! That’s all you need to know. She’s already history.

too busy=not interested Brendon, you are rationalizing up a storm here when you blame this impasse on Celestria’s family and ex-boyfriend as opposed to low interest level. If you were Brad Pitt, do you think her family and old boyfriend issues would be a problem? Heck, she’d say: “Oh please can we

have some more champagne, Brad?” If this girl has a hard time trusting new men, she’s unavailable. She’s a basket case. Next! But you admire her honesty. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re dying to admire anything that’s not bad about this girl!” But she’s 90% bad. So why are you “hanging in”? You’re not a psychiatrist, are you? You want to be this babe’s boyfriend, not her counselor. Challenge is one thing, useless trouble is another.

wasted energy You estimate Celestria’s Interest Level to be around 40%. The problem is that it has to be at least 51% in order for this thing to have any life. So here’s the important question: Why would you go after a girl who doesn’t want to be alone with you? Of course you go and rationalize again that it’s her baggage that’s inhibiting her. It couldn’t be you -- because you’re perfect, right? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “But if Brady Quinn came along, I’m sure she’d find time to play touch football.” But you’re convinced that she kisses you because she likes you. Pal, this is called grasping for straws! Now, on to the big party. It’s fantastic that this new girl, Katie, is friends with Celestria. Why are you fretting about killing anything with Celestria? You have nothing going with her! Brendon, you have less than zero going with this girl. So if I were you, I’d invite her along and then work both her and Katie. Think about all the fun you can have going back and forth between the two. Like my cousin General Love says: “Maybe you can even get some sparks flying.” Don’t worry about being on a group date. You’re finished with Celestria. So just invite her anyway and make the new girl jealous. One more thing: The minute my book arrives, start reading and memorizing. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Moving Out Hey Doc, First I would like to thank you for creating “The System.” It worked for me and has definitely changed my life. I am a frequent reader of your articles and a lot of the advice you give hits home and makes sense. However, after having read through all of your material and practiced it, I am still in need of some more coaching. I was in a relationship with my ex, Ranita, for 19 months. We are seniors in college. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but overall, things were amazing. Our only problems were

in dealing with her “pro single-life, anti-marriage” friends. After nine months she decided to move in with me. The relationship grew in strength and we decided to give each other promise rings as a sort of pre-engagement. The engagement was to take place after I graduated.

she's moving out As time went on, the little things started making us grow apart because we sank into a routine. Ranita decided to move out, but our relationship continued for another few months. We finally broke up five months ago, but we continued to hang out on a regular basis. We would text all the time when we weren’t together and she always pushed for us to get back together, but for some reason I could only say no. I wanted to say yes, but didn’t because I thought it was what I wanted at the time. Three weeks ago everything finally clicked and I truly realized that I missed Ranita and wanted her to be my girlfriend again. But when I let her know how I felt, she told me that she’d met someone else and doesn’t want a relationship right now. Now it has gotten to the point where she doesn’t know what she wants and wants to take some time for herself.

mixed messages The confusing part for me is that Ranita continues texting me and talking with me but only wants to see me if we work out together. She tells me to go out and meet new people, but when I do, she gets super jealous. I realize I have turned into a wuss, but I’m not sure what to do. I love Ranita and want her back. Doc, is there anything else I can do? I realize that neediness and not being a Challenge have lowered her Interest Level because she knows if she wants me, she could have me. How do I get her Interest Level up again? Avenir - who feels like he lost his future wife because of her moving out and moving on

doc love's answer Hi Avenir, You start out by saying that “The System” worked, but you should be saying that it works. If it worked for you once, why are you through with it? “The System” is a constant practice. It’s not something that you use for a little while and leave in the past. So you’ve got the wrong idea here, my friend. Most guys don’t pay attention to “The System,” and that’s the problem in America today. Most guys will read three or four of my articles and will tell me that they can’t find one principle they disagree with, but then they’ll just go on their merry way and continue to mess up with women. It makes no rational sense. Will Avenir get this situation with a moving-out girlfriend straightened out? Read on...

Now, I’m trying to get this straight. You and Ranita had your ups and downs, but the relationship was amazing. Huh? You’re contradicting yourself, Avenir. If you have no ups and downs, that’s when the relationship is amazing. How did you happen to get involved with Ranita’s pro-single, anti-marriage friends? Why in the world are you arguing with them? When they blast marriage, just keep your mouth shut or say: “I understand what you’re saying,” even though you disagree with them 100%. Like my cousin General Love says: “Never let the enemy know what you’re thinking, soldier.”

interest level threats Then things went south. Like most men, after you got the woman to fall in love with you, you didn’t think about a maintenance program to keep her Interest Level in the 90s. When you slip into a routine, you take the woman for granted, and then Interest Level drops. Then you’re in trouble. When Ranita moved out, right then and there you were dead in the water forever, buddy. Once the girl moves out, whether you’re married or not, you’re out, there’s no going back, and everything you do afterward is a complete and total waste of time. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The only thing you should do when she doesn’t want to live with you anymore is go out and hustle new phone numbers.”

she's history You two broke up after Ranita moved out? I’m shocked! How did that happen? Face reality, Avenir; you didn’t break up after five months. She broke up with you when she moved out. It never ceases to amaze me how most of you guys brainwash yourselves, how you rationalize everything that goes wrong in a relationship. Ninety percent of the guys out there don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. If the girl loves you and now she doesn’t love you, whose fault is it? Is it the girl’s? No. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Look in the mirror, dummy!” If you told Ranita you didn’t want to get together again when she begged you, then you’re the one acting goofy. You’re telling me you love the girl, but when she wants to get closer to you, you tell her no. What’s going on in your head, dude? You might have come to the realization that you wanted Ranita back, but what was she thinking? That’s the important thing. Because like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Just because this revelation went on in your head doesn’t mean that it went on in hers.” Don’t forget for a second that she met someone else -- which means that the only person she doesn’t want a relationship with right now is you. Anytime a girl utters the words “I need space” or “I don’t know what I want” or any other such Womanese, that means you’re out. You’re finished. This is what Ranita’s telling you,

Avenir. They all use the same lines. I don’t care if the girl lives in Bangladesh or Bangor, Maine -- it’s the same.

time to move on What you don’t understand is that now you’re just a token ex-boyfriend who Ranita goes to the gym with when she has nothing better to do. That’s all. She has zero Interest Level in you. Hey, women with high Interest Level always want you to go out and meet new people. Duh! Ranita doesn’t get super jealous, guy. If she were super jealous, she wouldn’t tell you to meet new people, unless of course she’s a complete whack-job. What can you do now? Well, don't give up -- go back and memorize my book, which you didn’t do in the first place. If you did memorize it, then you forgot it, because “The System” teaches you to be a manly man, which you’re certainly not right now. Can you revive Ranita’s Interest Level? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, the only way you could push it up again is by hitting the lottery.” Remember, guys: when she moves out, it’s over.

Doc Love: Open Up To Her? Hey Doc, I’m a long-time loyal student of yours, and a first-time writer. I’ve read your book, your articles and listened and re-listened to your radio show. I follow “The System” religiously and it works… up to a point.

she brought up marriage I’ve been dating Caprice, a Flexible Giver, for 21 months. I stay off the phone, unless it’s to make a date, I’m a Challenge, I keep things light and funny, I even walk on the outside of the curb (and have explained to her why). Even her parents and brothers like me. After about a year and a half of dating, Caprice brought up marriage. Taking a page from your book, I told her I’d marry her if she kept being a good girl.

open up more? However, all of it seems to have backfired on me. Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she

doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more? When I called Caprice on her sudden change in attitude, she explained that she has been thinking about us a lot. She also said she has changed a lot for me, so why can’t I change for her and open up? I pointed out all the things I did for her and that I don’t tell her everything so that I don’t overburden her with my problems. But she said she wants to know everything about me. She said that maybe I was too good for her. I told her that doesn’t make sense. Damn, they’re crafty, Doc, because I don’t even remember her response. I think she said: “I just want you to be happy.” I’ve heard that in the past, right before the door hit me on my way out. Should this guy open up his feelings to keep his girlfriend interested?

so this is love Caprice also said that she thinks she loves me more than I love her (which is the perfect situation, per your book). So I pointed out that my actions show that I care, not my words. She countered that she needs words too. But I don’t want to get too mushy, like your book says. Caprice did admit to having a fear of commitment, by the way, but I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Doc, you’re the only one who can coach me now, because you’re the only one I trust. What should I do? Should I just be more open? Should I tell Caprice everything? Am I doing something wrong? How can I fix this? For the time being we’ve left it at “we’ll try harder to communicate better.” I’m pretty sure her Interest Level is still above 50%. Thanks for everything, Doc! Syward - who’s scratching his head and wondering if he should open up to her

doc love’s answer Hi Syward, When you say “The System” works only up to a point, you’re wrong straight out of the gate. I appreciate all your hard work, dude, but my techniques don’t have limited effectiveness. On the contrary -- “The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works “up to a point.”

is she blind?

When I look at your history with Caprice, you said and did all the right things. So far you’re doing great. To you Psych majors: If all of your strategy seems to have backfired on you, it’s because of the girl, not because of my book. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Don’t attack 'The System' if the girl’s off her rocker!” Think about it, Syward: When Caprice says she doesn’t really know you after you’ve been dating her for 21 months, is that really possible? How can she not know you if she’s seen your actions all that time? When Caprice asks what you think about something, you should always come back with something funny. Kid her about whatever she wants to know. In other words, give her what’s called a “non-answer answer.” What happened here wasn’t just a sudden change in Caprice’s attitude. She has been thinking about all of this stuff for six months. That’s also in the book, and either you missed it or didn’t really take it in, my friend. And if she’s been thinking about it a lot, what she really means is that she has been thinking a lot about it negatively. So there’s Womanese going on here whether or not you know it. Doc Love has more to say on how men keep to themselves…

men keep to themselves When you told Caprice you didn’t want to overburden her with all of your problems, she should have taken that as a supportive compliment. However, when she said she needed words as well as actions, right there you were finished and dead in the water. Like my cousin General Love says: “What you have here is a girl who has been brainwashed by the worst of American culture.” What she has been brainwashed with is the idea that if you’re not mushy and pouring out your heart about all your negatives and hang-ups and insecurities, you don’t have a fulfilling relationship. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’ve treated this girl perfectly for 21 months and that’s not good enough? What’s not to like?” I know that you’re confused because Caprice said she had a fear of commitment, but you can be sure that she has a fear of something. You should have asked her what she meant by that, because what she said to you doesn’t make a lick of sense. One minute she brings up marriage and now she has a fear of commitment? How is that even possible? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “This girl’s showing heavy signs of being a loon.”

kick her to the curb What should you do? There’s only one thing you can do with Caprice now, Syward: Drop her. Being more open with this girl won’t help because she wants to know it all. Don’t go telling her everything about yourself unless it’s positive. No, you’re not doing anything wrong, buddy. The hard truth is that you can’t fix this situation because you can’t fix her. Caprice has low Self-Esteem and she has to hear all kinds of mush

to feel good about herself. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Mush is not manly.” Remember, guys: A self-reliant woman can live on your actions alone, but a woman with low Self-Esteem cannot.

Doc Love: Her Past Lovers Hey Doc, I’m 28, live in Australia and I’m a big fan of “The System,” which I have been learning over the past few years. I want to congratulate you on your coaching, which has helped me a lot. I met my current girlfriend, Sasha, at the gym. She’s 31 and very attractive. I got her number and we went on a date that went very smoothly. At the end, we shared a passionate kiss. I was always confident and Cocky & funny around Sasha and this, along with her physical attraction to me, was an unreal combination that made her fall for me very quickly. I was also a Challenge in that I was never needy.

i held all the power Sasha wanted to hang out with me all the time, and after five weeks or so we were very romantic with each other, if you catch my drift. Occasionally, I knocked back her date proposals, as I like my space and didn’t want to seem too easy for her. I realized that this put Sasha off balance, and she responded with frustration, which meant that she was emotionally attached to me. Although I liked Sasha, I never told her how I felt nor showed her too much affection and this also put me in a position of power, as she would always tell me that she never knew where she stood with me. After six months, Sasha told me she loved me after an argument during which she demanded to know how I felt about her and where the relationship was heading. I told her sternly that I didn’t tolerate people’s demands and if the time I spent with her wasn’t enough, then I would walk out. As I left her apartment, she repeated that she loved me and had never met anyone like me. I told her to keep on loving me and I kept on walking. But we are still together, things are good, and Sasha’s Interest Level is very high judging by the fact that she still always wants to see me.

sasha's been around

Well, just the other week, I heard something about Sasha that really disappointed me. Through a friend, I discovered that she had a romantic relationship with a sleazy ex-friend of mine. This happened four or five years ago. When I brought this up to Sasha, she admitted knowing him, but nothing else. This has turned me off Sasha completely. I can’t look at her the same way anymore. She doesn’t know that I know about what happened, but I feel deceived and let down because she hid the truth from me regarding her past lover. I know it’s in the past, and Sasha has some great qualities and is good and loyal to me, but I can’t swallow my pride to continue the relationship with her because of this other dude. She has noticed that I am colder toward her now, and she keeps asking why. I need some coaching as my pride might be getting in the way of a good relationship. Please help me to make the right decision and determine whether these feelings are normal for guys struggling with "her past lovers" or if I should give Sasha the boot. Thurston - who feels like he’s been kicked in the gut because of her past lovers

doc love's answer Hi Thurston, At first you were doing great, pal. Sasha wanted to hang out with you all the time. I hope you fully realized what is going on here, and that is that you had incoming attention. This lady was chasing you because you were a Challenge and not needy. Most guys think they have to be the aggressor in a relationship. They can’t even fathom the idea that you can actually throw the accepted psychology of dating into reverse -- in other words, have the woman chasing the man -- and come out a winner. Most guys don’t understand that you can actually be in control of a relationship at all times even though the woman thinks she is because she’s doing all the work and chasing. And it’s likewise incredible that you turned down dates because you didn’t want to seem too easy for Sasha. You can’t begin to realize how many men couldn’t do this and what’s worse, it doesn’t even enter their minds as a possibility. Ninety percent of the guys out there want to be all over the woman as opposed to having the woman come after them. And you bring out an excellent point regarding Sasha getting frustrated because she was emotionally attached to you. You’ve learned a lot, my friend. Can Doc Love set Thurston back on track with Sasha and her past lovers and help him squelch his pride? However, you still need to learn more. You shouldn’t be talking sternly to Sasha. You’re not here to take a tough-guy stand -- that’s something Macho Boy would do. Instead of taking a hard-line, all you had to say was: “Honey, how have I been treating you? Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know?” I will say this, though; when you walked out of Sasha’s

apartment, you deserved the Congressional Medal of Honor for Valor. Very, very few guys could have done that. I can’t compliment you enough on this move.

making a macho mistake Now, let me make sure I have this right. You’re going by what some guy says about your girl, as opposed to judging her by the six months that she’s been perfect with you? Does that make any sense? And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “To boot, you’re a hypocrite.” Because you liked your ex-friend way back when, until you figured out he was a sleaze bucket and then you got rid of him. And that’s what she did too, right? You want Sasha to go by your actions but you won’t go by her actions. Instead, you’ll believe some guy who’s probably after her. How do you know what the guy said was true? You might be 99% sure he was right about your girl, but you can’t be 100% sure. This relationship between Sasha and your ex-friend allegedly happened five or six years ago. If it happened when you and Sasha were going out in the last five or six months, I could understand you getting upset. But like the Chinese proverb goes: “This is all ancient history, grasshopper.” What is Sasha supposed to do, apologize to you for every single guy she went out with before you? She’s 31 years old -- she’s been dating since she was 14! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Paisan, you’re getting all bent out of shape over nothing.” And you’re ticked off that Sasha admits that she knows the guy, but nothing more. Well what do you want, the gory details? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Women never give the gory details.”

pitch the pride So now you’re completely turned off. My friend, you have too much pride. You don’t know what happened between Sasha and this guy. You weren’t there with a camera, were you? But you claim you can no longer look at her in the same way. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “What do you want, a 31-year-old virgin?” Sasha didn’t hide the truth from you. If you wanted every detail about her life, when you first started going out with her you should have said: “Hey, I want to know about every single guy you went out with since you were 14.” That’s your logic here. In other words, it’s no logic. However, you swear that you can’t go on with Sasha. Thurston, this guy was pre-you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Boy, you oughta lighten up, turn into a stove and start being warm to this girl.” You don’t have a good relationship, buddy, you have a great relationship but you’re not seeing it. Coming down on Sasha because she didn’t tell you everything she ever did before meeting you is stupid.

Sure, your feelings are normal -- for a macho, uptight man. Remember, guys: Leave the past out of your relationship.

Doc Love: Trapped In Love Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Kelly for close to six months now and our relationship overall has been really good. Kelly is a decent-looking girl, and while she may not be a dime physically, she is a perfect 10 in personality and she’s a fun, attentive, loving girlfriend. I have dated many, many girls and this one has been, by far, the nicest. She listens to everything I say, and if I have a problem, she tries to help me with it. I couldn’t begin to tell you all the small and big things she does for me.

i have wandering eyes Anyway, on to my ridiculous problem: Though Kelly is a great girlfriend, and on paper our relationship is flawless, I find myself often looking at other women and even flirting with old girlfriends. I haven’t cheated on her, but I do feel badly about my constant thoughts of messing around with other girls. Kelly is most definitely marriage material. I’ve always said to myself that once I find the right girl I’m going to settle down. Now here I am, 24 years old, I meet the right girl and all of my theories and beliefs go out the window! Sometimes I find that I want to break up with Kelly because I feel that I haven’t dated around enough. Ironically, I always thought it was dumb of guys to want to fool around constantly. I liked having just one girl and wanted to be faithful until the end. Now I feel like I haven’t been around enough, if you will. I’m at a loss for what my next step should be. I don’t know if I need to just grow up and stay with Kelly, or break up with her and go on my way. Breaking up with her would destroy her, because this girl absolutely adores me. I’ve never seen anyone love someone like she loves me. Please give me some coaching and thank you for your time. Ulmar - who doesn’t want to blow a good thing

doc love's answer Hi Ulmar, It’s a real sign of your maturity that you recognize that while you have a girl who is not textbook beautiful, you’re attracted to her anyway. And it’s also a tribute to you that you’re

smart enough to realize that it’s what is on the inside that lasts. Because, when you’ve been with a woman for a long time what’s on the outside -- her looks -- will go. And it’s great that you’re smart enough to realize that Kelly really has it -- the it that really matters. Congratulations to you, pal.

you've got good thing going Something else in your letter struck me: You use the word “nice” to describe Kelly. How many guys can describe their girlfriends or wives as being nice? Think about it, my friend. To boot, she listens to whatever you have to say. Now think about all of the high maintenance you’ll experience with those “10s” out there if you do decide to get rid of Kelly. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “A babe who looks like Megan Fox couldn’t care less about what you say. It’s all about her, her, her. And it always will be.” To you Psych majors, you’re always going to walk down the street, or watch a movie, or open a magazine and see stunningly gorgeous women. However, you’re only making yourself feel miserable, Ulmar, if you torture yourself over them because you’re playing what I call the “comparison game.” In other words, they’re 10s and your girlfriend isn’t. If you keep playing it and you eventually succumb to your own misgivings, you’ll end up blowing it with this good girl. Can Doc Love help Ulmar feel a little less trapped in love? Read on...

better looking means bigger baggage Yes, you’re always going to notice a better-looking girl than you have, like you’ll always notice fancier cars than yours on the highway. However, you have no idea what’s going on between that Beautiful Girl’s ears. You know nothing about the scars and baggage she’s dragging around. Here’s another thing: what makes you think you’ll be satisfied with a 10? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Being married to Brigitte Bardot and Jane Fonda didn’t stop Roger Vadim from cheating on them, did it?” Then think about the fact that you have a girl you say is flawless, and how valuable that is. It’s OK if all your theories and beliefs have gone out the window. “Know thyself,” goes the old adage, and that’s the most important thing. At least you know that you have a good girl even if you are attracted to others. So this is what you have to ask yourself: If you were 28 or 30 or 32, would you still have these thoughts? Maybe you did meet Kelly when you were too young. Maybe you’re right about yourself, and you haven’t gotten around enough. Maybe you’re not really ready to settle down. But at least you’re looking inside yourself, you’re thinking deeply about this, and you haven’t cheated on Kelly. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You might have committed the sin of infidelity in your mind, but at least you didn’t go out and do anything about it.”

be a man about it You have to also ask yourself what the odds are that when you finally decide that you want to be a man and not a boy anymore and settle down, that you will find another great girl? The truth is that if you get rid of Kelly, you might not find anyone nearly as good as her. Then you’ll be comparing all the beauties you’re going out with to Kelly, and guess what? They’re never going to match her. So here you’ve got a girl with an “A” personality, an “A” Interest Level, an “A” attitude, and you want to get rid of her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Before you do anything, my son, you’d better deeply search your soul.” Remember, guys: You’re always going to see women who are hotter than the one you have.

Doc Love: Is She Leading You On? Hey Doc, I read your book and am an avid reader of your column. I have a question for you though that I haven’t been able to answer from reading your material. Sunny is smokin’ hot, funny, outgoing, and pretty much everything she does I find cute. I dated her about a year and a half ago and when we went out it was great. The Interest Level was high on both sides. Well, I made the mistake of taking her up to a buddy’s cottage for a long weekend too soon and things fell apart. She is really flirty with other guys, and jealousy got the best of me. We got into a nasty argument and I never called her again.

is she just a tease? I recently started a new class at college and realized that Sunny was also enrolled in it. We got to talking every week, flirting again and sparking old feelings. Sunny took me to a hockey game, but we kept it light, funny and friendly. So I brought her out to my buddy’s birthday party and she was all over me. Still, I kept it light -- and so did she. We still flirt when we see each other and there is definitely some chemistry there. I know Sunny is seeing other guys, but I’m seeing other girls too -- so it’s not really a big deal right now. I would like to continue the relationship and get to a more exclusive level with Sunny. I’m afraid she is just leading me on and that the only thing she’s interested in is having a good time with all the guys that throw themselves at her. So what do you think? Is there anything I can do to really hook this type of girl? If I continue

to pursue her I think I might fall for her a bit too hard. If I hear about her and other guys, I’ll break someone’s legs -- ya dig? So my choices are to let her go, stick around for these "fun" buddy dates, or pursue her with commitment and see if I can hook her so all she wants is the exclusive deal with me. Thanks for helping a brother out. Randwin - who doesn’t know which way to go with this one

doc love's answer Hi Randwin, The first mistake you made was spending way too much time with this girl at the beginning; you didn’t give Sunny any time and space to find you interesting -- and push her Interest Level through the rafters. The next thing you did wrong was to put her on display for the blockers to have a field day with. To you Psych majors, you have to own a girl before you start running around with her on weekends and showing her off to your buddies. And by that I mean that you have to own the girl’s heart. But you also have to ask yourself whether Sunny is flirting with every male she encounters because she has no Integrity or she doesn’t have a high Interest Level in you. And why is she flirting with your buddies? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, if you owned the girl’s heart she wouldn’t be pulling that crap.”

once a flirt always a flirt Why are you arguing with Sunny? You shouldn’t be arguing with her over anything. When she started playing up to your so-called buddies, you should have dropped her right then and there. Like the old Chinese saying goes, “Tiger never changes its stripes, grasshopper!” The Bottom Line Factor says that once she betrays you, you can’t trust the girl. She has no Integrity. Doc Love decodes Sunny's motivations... All these so-called old feelings you sparked when you ended up in Sunny’s class were your feelings alone, pal. You can’t really say that this girl has any feelings for you because you have no evidence of it aside from the fact that she is flirty. Because, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The problem is that she’s flirty with pretty much everything that moves.” She took you to a hockey game because she was bored that night and had nothing else to do. Then, when you hooked up with Sunny for a second time, you went on a group date with her

again. Randwin, didn’t you learn your lesson when you got burned the first time around? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Whoa -- this babe must look like Angelina Jolie’s twin sister since you need all your friends to see her!”

no second chances Again, the chemistry you believe is there with Sunny only exists in your mind. What has she actually done to indicate to you that it’s reciprocal? Nothing much that I can see. It’s not a big deal that Sunny’s seeing other guys? You’re lying, Randwin. You still have the hots for this girl and you have them bad. And you just proved it when you said you wanted to put the clamps on her on a more exclusive basis. Sadly for you, another reason Sunny took you out is because she wanted to get her jollies by dumping you and paying you back for when you dumped her -- did you think of that? Unfortunately, my friend, there’s nothing you can do to hook this girl. You had your chance with her and it’s gone. Too bad for you that you’ve already fallen for her. And don’t go getting all Macho Boy and threatening to break anybody’s legs. What have I told you before? You have to be like Cary Grant to get the ladies to fall in love with you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Being one of those Xtreme Fighters is not going to cut it, my son. You have to be a lot smoother and slicker.” What can you do now? Take Sunny out and then hustle other girls while you’re with her. And when she gets all ticked off at you for not giving her your undivided devotion, tell her she’s too possessive and stop going out with her. Face it, man: You’re finished with this girl. Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Keep Your Distance Hey Doc, I just began dating again after five and a half years of being out of the game. The reason for not dating is that I had two relationships in a row go down in flames and I was pretty disgusted for a long time. I recently acquired “The System” and after reading your book it confirmed my suspicion that one of my problems is that I push too hard too early with women. My other problem is that I try to stay and “fix” relationships after it should be clear that there’s no hope.

My question is this: An acquaintance of mine -- I’ll call her Tiffany --separated from her husband last year. Her divorce just became final last week. We went out casually though for a couple of months, but recently she began to push me away. I figured it might have something to do with all the turmoil of the divorce, so I backed off. I did make the mistake of listening to her problems and getting over-involved while I was trying to figure the situation out, but I finally disengaged from that.

mixed signals Now I’m getting mixed signals from Tiffany. After reading “The System” I realized that I needed to keep some distance and I’ve done that. My thought is that I should stay distant until the dust settles and then consider making another attempt. I realize that dating a woman who just got separated was not a good idea; I don’t want to be the rebound guy or the transition guy -- I’ve done that already and it didn’t turn out well. Tiffany and I have lots of interests in common and generally compatible temperaments. Her ex was very type A, competitive and controlling, and she is very sensitive to any situation that makes her feel like I’m trying to run her life. So, is backing off the correct strategy in this case? Thanks for any coaching you can give me. Payn - who feels like he’s losing ground

doc love's answer Hi Payn, I’m sorry to hear about your past dating disasters. Let me explain something to you. Two things happen in a relationship: Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Either you break up, or worse, you get married.” Whoever gets out of the relationship first suffers less. So when you tell me that you went down in flames in your previous relationships, that indicates to me that you didn’t get rid of these girls -- they got rid of you. So what a guy should do is look at all of his relationships over the past two or three years -- all 10, 15 or 20 women he went out with -- and ask himself how many he dropped and how many times he was dropped. If you dumped all those women, or 18 out of the 20, then you don’t need my coaching. When it comes to women, pushing too hard too early is the biggest problem that 90% of all the men out there have. Rather than relax and just enjoy themselves and let the woman set the pace, they push. They push themselves right out of the picture. To you Psych majors, when you invade a female’s comfort level, she feels pressured and she gets turned off. That’s when

you hear those horrible words from her: “I need space!” At that point, of course, it’s already too late.

if it’s broken, don’t fix it You’re right about the importance of recognizing the romantic point of no return. There’s no going back once you’ve reached that point. Once her Interest Level hits 49%, you can forget it. Trying to fix something when it’s already too late is a complete waste of time. Heck, you could be out hustling the numbers of other women instead of trying to convince the one who doesn’t want you to stay with you. Think about that. Doc Love shows us what Payn's real problem is: himself. More after the skip... Now let me ask you this, Payn: If this relationship with Tiffany was so casual, why was she pushing you away? If you were keeping it light and funny with her, why would she feel the need to be away from you unless you were doing lots of things wrong? If you had my book memorized, you would have been in good shape because you would have been a Challenge -and a Challenge never pressures women.

it’s not her, it’s you It’s funny how you automatically single out the “turmoil of the divorce” as your problem instead of realizing that it was you who turned Tiffany off. Of course this is what most men do. They always blame something or someone else instead of what the real problem is: themselves. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Rationalizing is a man’s greatest obstacle to facing reality.” Worse, you tried to play psychiatrist with her. What have I told you guys in the past? When you play psychiatrist, you’re going to lose. That’s not what you’re there for. Of course you’re getting mixed signals from Tiffany -- her Interest Level in you is somewhere between 40% and 60%. When the Interest Level is hovering in that murky zone, you can’t expect her to be all over you because she really doesn’t want to be there.

calling it quits So you’re not going to make another attempt with Tiffany. In fact, you’re not going to even call her anymore. When she calls you, you’re going to talk to her for five minutes and then you’re going to hang up. You’re going to shut her right down. If she doesn’t ask you out, you’re not going to have anything to do with her. My friend, I know you don’t want to be the rebound or transitional guy, but with women you don’t know when the time is right to go after her; you had to take the chance with Tiffany, so don’t beat yourself up for that.

Dude, you have to come to grips with the fact that Tiffany liked her ex enough to marry him - so she digs type A guys. In the second place, having interests in common and being generally compatible has nothing to do with Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You might as well say that her dog liked you.” Never, ever forget that the woman’s Interest Level in you is the most important factor in a relationship. Yeah, backing off this girl is the correct strategy now -- backing way, way off. Remember, guys: When she’s in the process of getting over her divorce you have to be a double Challenge.

Doc Love: She's Just Not That Into You Hey Doc, I have read all of your articles but not your book yet. I do agree with you that a man has to remain a man by not letting go of himself and who he is; he should not fall into the trap of catering to a woman’s every need and not getting 50% back. I am a nice, good guy who seems to be taken advantage of a lot because I not only take girls out, I also cook dinners for them, am receptive, forgiving, honest, and loyal. Here’s my situation: I dated Suri for over a year. She was very independent and had a nineyear relationship before me, which was a red flag (either commit or get off the pot is the way I see it). However, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Things were great until she had to move away from the city -- where I live -- to the suburbs with her grandmother, which was supposed to be temporary but ended up being permanent. At this point we rarely spend time together. I've done all I can to maintain what we had, but she doesn’t have a car and I live a train ride away. To top it all off we both have dogs, but they don’t get along so we can’t stay in one place together.

where is the love? I have tried to show Suri love and have admitted all my mistakes. Still, I’m upset by her lack of reciprocal effort. I have gotten angry with her to the point where I say mean things to her and it sometimes escalates to hurtful words back and forth. The hurtful words are the excuse for us not getting together. Now it has been over a month and we haven’t spoken. I even used your approach and told Suri I was seeing another girl, but it didn’t work. I sent a few e-mails and once heard back that she doesn’t know what to say. I suppose I shouldn’t want someone in my life who doesn’t seem to want to solve a problem. I can’t figure it out. It’s hard for me to get past this because I

have feelings for Suri and there are qualities I really like about her; when we were together things were nice. I could really use some coaching now as I’m at the end of my rope. Odin - who’s tried everything

doc love's answer Hi Odin, You say you have read all of my articles and that you like my material. So when are you going to get my book? Why would you not go to the comprehensive source, “The System,” for everything having to do with women and dating, especially when you’re clearly having trouble? Are you waiting for things to get even worse? Does that make any sense? Now wait a minute here. First you’re telling me that you don’t believe a man should fall into the trap of catering to a woman, and then you tell me that you’re a nice guy who likes to imitate a doormat for the ladies, including playing chef for them. So you actually do what you say you disagree with. In other words: You’re contradicting yourself here. Why are you so forgiving? What’s to forgive? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You forgive, and then you get rid of her, my son.”

keeping her distance You say that Suri’s move to the suburbs turned out to be permanent. How do you know it wasn’t intended to be permanent? How do you know this babe wasn’t just looking for an excuse to get away from you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “If this girl really liked you, she wouldn’t be moving in with her grandma!” She sure as heck wouldn’t be moving so far away that she has to get on a train to see you. To you Psych majors, when she likes you, she wants to get closer to you, not further away. So now you have the issue of distance -- always a formidable enemy of love -- working against you. This means that this relationship is disintegrating. Lots of men like to blame the breakdown of a relationship on everything else except for the real cause: low Interest Level. This is something you’re doing, Odin, by talking about all the extraneous stuff that could be affecting your relationship with Suri. It’s called rationalization. This syndrome is what keeps most men out there from facing reality when it comes to women -- and I’m all about facing reality. It's time for Odin to wake up, face reality and learn what to do when she's just not that into you...

her bite is louder than her bark As if things weren’t bad enough already, now you and Suri even have problems with your dogs. You could take your two mutts to a dog whisperer and get them trained, have you thought of that? It wouldn’t help, though, because the problem is not the canines. Like my cousin General Love says: “The real problem is that when it comes to this girl, you’re weak, soldier.” Why are you admitting mistakes? If you had my book you wouldn’t be making mistakes and, therefore, you wouldn’t have to be apologizing for Suri’s low Interest Level in you. There has been no reciprocal effort on her part because she doesn’t care enough to make an effort. If a girl doesn’t care, why would she try to fix anything? The most important factor in a relationship is the woman’s Interest Level, which all the psychiatrists and marriage counselors never talk about. Sadly for you, this woman’s Interest Level is down in the dirt. To prove it, now you’re getting into arguments. You’re acting like a little kid, Odin. Arguing is not a mature way to deal with your problems. Until you memorize my materials and learn what Self-Control means, until you learn not to argue with women or attack them, you’re never going to be grown up enough for a long-term relationship. You have a huge problem here, Odin. It’s not Suri who’s the problem -- it’s you.

facing reality The hurtful words flying back and forth are not the excuse for you and Suri not getting together -- they’re the reason. If you’re going to be hurtful toward somebody, that person shouldn’t see you. Suri gets it, and you don’t. So now it’s been a whole month since you've spoken to this girl, and you still haven’t ordered my book have you? You love my principles and techniques, you have got all these relationship problems and the answers are in the book -- but you’re writing me for help. Well, that’s why I wrote the book, pal. Everything you need is in it. Telling Suri you’re seeing another girl is not going to work because she doesn’t give a hoot. Don’t kid yourself, she knows what to say. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She just doesn’t know how to say you’re out, that’s all.” I have got news for you, Odin, women disappear when they don’t want anything to do with you. They don’t come right out and say you’re history. They don’t dig confrontations, so they just don’t answer your e-mail. It’s not that Suri doesn’t want to solve a problem, dude. She just doesn’t want to be with you. Remember, guys: If she doesn’t want to take her dog to training school, you don’t have a chance.

Doc Love: Jealousy Troubles Hey Doc, I have been dating Janine for two years. My former best friend Bill (we no longer hang out in the same crowd), is dating Janine’s best friend, Beth, and they have been dating for the same amount of time. I have been getting cues that Janine may be attracted to Bill. She finds him excessively funny, likes to look at pictures they’re in together, I have caught her gazing at him, and she only has nice things to say about him. I have confronted Janine about this. She defended herself, saying that she does like Bill, but only because he is her best friend’s boyfriend. She also happened to tell Beth how I felt, which was annoying.

fatal attraction I don’t like the fact that Janine has different types of fun with other people. I feel as if I should be able to please her in every way. This is obviously not the reality of our situation. It makes me angry to think of not being able to please her or that she is attracted to one of my friends -so much so that I don’t always feel like I should be dating her. I hate not having control. Bill is very confident and I have lost my confidence somewhat over this mess. Doc, I’m planning on going on a double date with Bill and Beth in order to face my fear of Janine showing signs of being attracted to Bill, even though I know that she would never admit to her attraction. I have even had dreams about Janine being with Bill (nothing intimate, but I am clearly not her boyfriend in the dream). I want to change the way Janine may feel about Bill, but I do not know how to handle the situation; even if I don’t go on this double date, Janine will continue to go out partying with Bill and Beth along with others in their group. Should I have reason to believe Janine may be attracted to Bill? What can I do if she is? What shouldn’t I do in this situation? Coaching please! Manger - who is suffering through some jealousy troubles

doc love's answer Hi Manger, Well, I hate to break this to you, but your girl is definitely attracted to your friend Bill. However, what’s most troubling is that you have been going out with her for two years yet you don’t own her. Janine’s Interest Level is in the 90s -- but she’s interested in Bill. You

don’t keep studying pictures of another guy unless you really dig something about him. The Bottom Line Factor says that: “When she has 90% Interest Level in you, all other men are ugly to her.” So you confronted Janine about this situation. Why? Did you actually come right out and say to her: “You can’t like this guy anymore?” You didn’t really expect that lame tactic to work, did you?

confrontation vs. catastrophe Of course you should be aware of and monitor what Janine and Bill do together, but more importantly, you have to figure out why this girl’s not in love with you. This is because your problem isn’t really this other guy. Your real problem is you. I can tell that you’re not going by “The System,” because to confront a woman over her crush on another guy is only going to make her go on the defensive -- whether she’s guilty or not. All you’re doing is telling Janine how unhappy you are about what’s going on between her and Bill, whereas you should be trying to fix what’s wrong in your relationship -- if you can. She doesn’t like you as much as she should, that’s the central problem here. Telling her not to like someone else is not going to solve that. Doc Love breaks down Manger's jealousy troubles next... Now you have Janine blabbing to Beth about what you said, and then she tells someone else and so on. Do you know what you have here? A bunch of gossips. Everyone’s talking about everybody else. How is this increasing Janine’s Interest Level in you? Nobody should be talking about anybody else when it comes to your relationship with Janine. So keep your mouth shut. You haven’t memorized my materials. If you had, you wouldn’t have one person talking to another, and that one talking to the other one. To make everything worse, you’re going on group dates when you don’t own Janine. If you read my book, you would know that unless you own the girl’s heart you never go out on group dates.

the other guy Of course you should be able to please Janine in every way, but you’re not doing that. This is your problem, not Bill. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “The other guy is just a symptom.” It’s not the reality of the situation that you’re everything to Janine because she has a mediocre Interest Level in you. Heck, it’s probably all the way down in the 60s. You’re right about one thing, though. You shouldn’t be dating Janine. To you Psych majors, you shouldn’t be dating anyone after two years if her Interest Level is only in the 60s. So you finally said something right. The reason you don’t have control is because Janine’s Interest Level isn’t up in the 90s where it should be if you owned her.

keep your distance Now, after all of this anguish, why in the world would you want to go out on a double date with Janine and Bill? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You mean you want to rub this humiliation in your own face? Why don’t you just get a samurai sword and commit harikiri?” Again, I have to point out that being out with your girl and Bill on a group date isn’t going to raise Janine’s Interest Level in you. You should be staying away from those two, my friend. Instead of double dating with them, you should back off your girl until you figure out what’s wrong with your relationship. And again, none of this has to do with Bill. The downside is that Janine’s been acting like this for two years already. Now, after two years, it bothers you that she has this other social life? Like my cousin General Love says: “A little slow on the draw, aren’t you, soldier?” Yes, you definitely have reason to believe that Janine is attracted to Bill. Yet, this is only because she’s not as attracted to you, as she should be. No, you can’t do anything if she’s interested in this other guy. What you shouldn’t do now is appear all uptight and confrontational. Be light and funny and see Janine less. If she begs on hands and knees to see you more, you’ll know there’s something left to salvage. Remember, guys: If you go out with a girl for two years and her Interest Level is not in the 90s, you have wasted a lot of time.

Doc Love: The Call Hey Doc, I bought “The System,” and I’m within 100 pages of finishing it. However, I have a situation with a woman that needs immediate attention, so I can’t afford to wait to finish the book. Last Saturday night in a bar I ran into a friend of a friend who I’d always had a keen eye for. Her name is Tammie. After a few drinks and talking, we hit the dance floor and had a really fun time. At the end of the night she came to my place and stayed overnight. The next day we spent almost the entire day kissing and hugging. By the way, there was no intimacy because Tammie said she’s not that type of girl. I think this is good because it shows she has some Integrity and dignity. Tammie asked if I had plans for the day, I said no and she said she had no plans either. We took a swim in the pool, walked my dogs and held hands. I saw a lot of buying signals (she asked all about me, my family, etc.). I didn’t see one red flag. She even offered to drive me 20 minutes away to pick up my car where I’d left it the previous night. After that day, I was fairly positive that Tammie had a high Interest Level in me.

she's m.i.a. So, here’s the twist: Tammie hasn’t texted or called me since. Normally, I find that interested girls contact me the same night to thank me. My male friend who’s been dating Tammie’s friend has been trying to line up a night where the four of us can get together at my place and watch a movie, but so far Tammie hasn’t been able to do it. This has really confused me. I don’t know if Tammie is playing a game or if she’s no longer interested in me or something else is wrong. I haven’t called her and asked her to come over myself, or even called her to see how she is, because I’m unsure of when to call in this situation. However, it’s only been a few days since the day we spent together, and I feel that waiting eight days as per your book to call would be too long. Anyway, here are my questions: 1. When should I call Tammie? Should I just say hi, see how her day was, and then hang up -- or ask for a date? 2. Is Tammie’s refusal to come over for a movie with our friends a red flag, a game or something else? 3. Most importantly, what should I do from here? Eagerly awaiting your coaching. Maurin - who wishes he had more time and new what to do about the call

doc love's answer Hi Maurin, Letting Tammie stay over at your place was a big mistake. After you danced with her for about an hour, you should have put an end to it. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “When things are going great and the girl is on a high, get out of there!” When Tammie says she’s not “that type of girl,” what type of girl exactly is she talking about? Hey, she stayed all night at your place, didn’t she? What kind of girl does that two hours after she meets you? Sure, not being intimate with you might indicate that she has Integrity and dignity, but it might also mean that she just has low Interest Level in you. Instead of doing all that stuff with Tammie the whole next day, you should have been too busy to hang out with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’re giving away the store too quickly here, my son.” Whatever Challenge and mystery there was to you was gone within 24 hours, Maurin. And you shouldn’t be holding hands either. Remember what it says in my book: No public displays of affection.

texting is for sissies

You should have had a buddy, instead of Tammie, take you to pick up your car. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “The idea is to stay away from this girl so familiarity doesn’t breed immediate contempt, grasshopper!” Of course Tammie had high Interest Level in you -- but only for a very, very short time. Genuinely high Interest Level that lasts takes a longer time to develop. Tammie’s not supposed to call or text you, dude. You’re the male here, in case you haven’t noticed. You’re supposed to be the aggressor. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Most women drive their boyfriends nuts with all that text messaging and telephoning, so consider yourself very lucky.” The call is often an issue for most men, which is why Doc Love is here to help...

don't let others do your dirty work Now let me get this straight: You’re having another guy try to set up a date with your "girlfriend"? Why are you bringing other people into your relationship with this girl? As I’ve said many times before, no group dates for the first two and a half to three months. You don’t know what Tammie’s thinking or doing right now because you’re not in charge of this situation. Instead of your buddy asking her out on a group date, you’re the one who should be asking Tammie out. To you Psych majors: You’re not in control when another person is doing the asking for you. To boot, you weren’t there to know how Tammie turned your friend down or even if she did. The fact is that your friend is doing your dirty work for you, and you’re out of control. You shouldn’t ask Tammie to come over to your place. Instead, call her and ask her for a proper date. Go and pick her up at her house and take her to a nice restaurant. Then you’ll begin to grasp what’s really with her. Like my cousin General Love says: “Getting information from a third party on the battlefield is a recipe for disaster.”

rules of the call You’re unsure of when to phone Tammie? It’s right there in my book, my friend. You just didn’t get far enough. And the answer is perfectly clear: five to nine days. It doesn’t say to wait eight days to call. Whatever you do, don't change this rule. This rule is like the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution -- it’s holy. Don’t even think of changing it. Don’t call Tammie up to find out how she’s doing. You’re not conducting a survey here. You call a girl up to ask her for a date. That’s the only reason you ever use the phone. You don’t know what Tammie’s refusal to show up to watch a movie means because you weren’t the one doing the asking. If you were doing the asking, you could tell me now what she actually said and the meaning of her words could be figured out. However, because you

have a friend doing your dirty work for you and you don’t know what he said to her, you can’t know what’s really going on. Simple as that.

just finish the book What should you do from here? Finish the last 100 pages of “The System,” and then reread it 14 more times. Remember, guys: Don’t have your friends ask your girl out.

Doc Love: Love Won't Wait Hey Doc, Thanks for the great job you’ve done (and are still doing) for us men. I can’t say more than that without breaking into song! I met Cat about three years ago. She had just started dating a guy, but I didn’t know it and spoke to her once a week for 15 minutes. She didn’t mention the guy for months. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have dragged it out for all that time before making a move. I’ve seen other ladies during this time, but deep down, I only want Cat. I know this is a mistake, and I’m probably just saying that to make myself feel better about not making it any further with the other girls, but in any case, at this point I’m glad I didn’t step into it with any of them. Now, throughout our hundreds of talks, I was always confident that Cat liked me. She laughed like I was Jim Carrey at the silliest things, she played with her hair, and she never seemed distracted when I was talking.

cat and lonely mouse I work with Cat in a huge company spread out over three buildings, so if I don’t make an effort to go and talk to her I will never see her. Since the beginning of the year I’ve noticed that her smiles at me are bigger and she seems to flirt more. We had this recent conversation: in a nutshell, she told me she broke up with her boyfriend, that she’s not seeing anyone else, and that a person needs a break after a long relationship. She then gave me several reasons why she should be single for a while, and then she said “Or, I don’t know.” I changed the subject, talked about something positive, made her laugh and said goodbye. It’s normal for someone to want a break after a long relationship, isn’t it Doc? (I ask because

I’m very afraid of rationalizing.) I’ve probably already begun rationalizing by telling myself that if she didn’t want me she would have just said: “No, I’m not seeing someone and I don’t want to see you.” But the fact that she felt the need to give me several reasons for needing a break makes me think that she is sincere, and that I should be patient. Please let me know what you think I should do, Doc. Thanks. Lambert - who wants to face reality

doc love's answer Hi Lambert, I’m glad you only want Cat, but the problem is that you don’t know what Cat wants, do you? What have I said to you guys a million times already? The only thing that counts is the woman's Interest Level -- not yours. Your Interest Level has nothing to do with anything. The reason you didn’t step into it with any of the other girls you went out with is because you weren’t interested in them. If you were, one of them would have replaced Cat in your thoughts. So the fix that you’re in is that you didn’t find anyone else you liked out there, and you have a thing for Cat. But again, you don’t know what Cat has for you. You’ve had hundreds of talks with this girl? If Cat was just a friend and you’d had hundreds of talks with her I’d say great -- you have a very nice chum. However, that’s not what you want. So why are you talking hundreds of times as a friend to a girl you’re interested in romantically? These talks should be happening over dinner -- dinners that are dates, where Cat could touch your arm and show you some romantic interest -- if she has any. Doc Love helps open Lambert's eyes to the fact that love won't wait, even after he's been chasing it for three years...

zero interest mouse trap Cat has been giving you buying signals all right, but you have to find out whether or not she really digs you, because you didn’t ask her out, and therefore you don’t really know where you stand with her. You never even asked for her phone number. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have to find out if all of these buying signals are the real deal, or if she’s just playing with you like a cat with a mouse.” Now let me get this straight. You mean that if you don’t go to see Cat, you’ll never see her? Dude, I’ve got news for you: that means she’s not interested in you. If Cat’s such a good buddy of yours, how come she doesn’t come over to see you at least once in a while? You said you’ve talked to her hundreds of times and not once did she ever come over to visit you? Know what that says about her Interest Level? It’s zero!

When Cat told you that a person needs a break after a long relationship, you should have answered, “Yeah,” and then asked her out on a date right away as if her answer didn’t mean anything. And if she had said: “No, I don’t want to see anybody,” you’re out -- simple as that. If, on the other hand, she goes out with you, then you know that all her talk of taking a break from dating was a bunch of garbage.

you wasted too much time Lambert, another major problem for you is that you have a lot of time in with this girl. In fact, you have way too much time in with her on a non-dating basis -- that’s what worries me. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re marooned in the 'Friend Zone,' pal!” And like the old Chinese saying goes: “When you’re friends, you’re finished, grasshopper!” When Cat hit you with that cryptic phrase, “Or, I don’t know,” why didn’t you ask her what she meant by it? When you hear something from a woman and the meaning isn’t clear, you have to press her on it. "What, specifically, don’t you know?" is what you should have asked. You have to come at her like a cop on Love & Order, otherwise you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. No, Lambert, it isn’t normal for most babes to want a break after a long relationship. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Most women line up their ducks before they even dump the guy!” So you’ve got it all backward, my friend.

you missed the dating boat, big time What we keep coming back to is the fact that you never asked this girl out on a date. You simply don’t know what she wants. You’re straddling the friendship fence here because you’re not in the dating mode with Cat. She wouldn’t have said that she didn’t want to see you if you asked her out. She would have just said no thanks; I’m taking a break. It’s called Womanese. After all this, you’re still convinced that you should be patient with this girl. You’re putting me on, right? You’ve been patient with her for three years! You need to realize that love won't wait. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If you wait any longer, my son, you’ll be an old man!” There’s only one thing you can do with Cat now. The next time you see her, ask for her phone number. If she gives it to you, call her and ask her for a date. Remember, guys: Until you ask for the phone number, nothing starts.

Doc Love: Read The Signs Hey Doc, Two months ago I met Chelsea. I would casually try to invite her out to parties or bars, but our plans never seemed to work out. Finally, I decided to just ask her out -- which worked. The date went great! She even told me to call her so we could do something together again sometime. I waited five days, called her and asked her out again. We went out and had another great date. I was getting lots of great signals from her: smiling, eye contact, laughing at my jokes, asking questions about me, etc. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty confident, so when I dropped her off at her place at the end of the date, I went in for a kiss, but she turned her head to make me kiss her on the cheek. I was a little shocked, but the rest of the date was perfect, so I wasn’t going to let this minor setback bring me down and keep me from asking her out on another amazing date -- especially because she may have thought that I was moving too fast or she didn’t want to come off as easy or she was playing hard to get.

making the call I called Chelsea on Friday and she didn’t answer, so I left a quick voicemail trying to be funny and then said: “The main reason I’m calling is to ask you out for Sunday, so call me back and let me know what time is good for you.” I was a little nervous so I stuttered, but I figured that since I was so calm and cool on our dates that she probably wouldn’t pick up on that. So, here’s my question: It’s now Monday night and Chelsea hasn’t returned my call. I don’t really want to give up on Chelsea because of how great our first two dates were, not to mention that she’s a looker (an 8.5 easily!). I don’t want to come off as a loser by calling her again. But what should I do? Should I call her again or send her a quick text? How long should I wait to do this? Should I mention that she didn’t return my call? Should I mix in something Cocky & Funny like “I know you didn’t call me back because you’re so nervous since I’m so good looking?” Please coach me. Dev - who thought he was in control

doc love's answer Hi Dev, What exactly does “I tried to invite Chelsea out to parties and bars” mean? Does it mean that she was turning you down when you asked her to do something? Whatever it means, it was a very wishy-washy approach you took. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, you were

being about as direct as President Clinton during the Lewinsky deposition.” Then you finally took a stronger approach by asking Chelsea out -- and it worked. So far, so good. Like I say in my book, “The System,” one date down and nine to go! But when Chelsea turned her lovely head so that you missed her lips and had to kiss her cheek, there was only one thing you could and should have done at that point: thrown her number away. This is because what her action indicated is that this girl doesn’t dig you or she’s involved with somebody else. What's the verdict for Dev? Will he be able to continue pursuing Chelsea? Doc Love weighs in after the jump...

actions speak louder than words You think it wasn’t such a big deal that she didn’t let you kiss her? You're wrong! Like my cousin General Love says: “This wasn’t a minor setback, soldier, it was like Waterloo for Napoleon!” Just look at what actually happened here. You didn’t ask this babe to get married. You just went in for a kiss after being with her on two dates. So, how were you coming on too strong? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “In America, going in for a kiss is no big deal.” But it is a big deal if the girl’s not interested in you. Dude, notice how you’re already rationalizing when you try to convince yourself that Chelsea was just playing hard to get? To you Psych majors, when women like you they don’t play hard to get. You shouldn’t have called Chelsea on Friday or Saturday. That’s a no-no, and you’d have known it if you’d read my book -- which you should do ASAP. You were supposed to have asked her out for the following Sunday and you shouldn't have left a message. You don’t ask a girl out by leaving a message on her answering machine, Dev. You ask her out by talking to her on the phone.

how she (really) feels By the way, Chelsea picked up on your nervousness when you left that message. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Women never miss a thing!” Since Chelsea didn’t return your call, it means you can never call her again. Don’t kid yourself, my friend. Your first two dates weren’t great -- Chelsea didn’t kiss you good night, so how great could they be? I don’t care if this honey is an 8.5 or a 10.1, if she doesn’t kiss you it means she’s not interested. It’s a great idea that you don’t call her again because if you do, you’ll most definitely come off as a loser. What should you do now? Nothing. Or, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Go out and find new girls.” How long should you wait to contact Chelsea? Oh, five years or so. Don’t mention that she didn’t return your call. I have news for you, pal -- Chelsea knows she didn’t return your call. She didn’t return it because she doesn’t have a high Interest Level

in you. Girls with a high Interest Level return calls. Girls with a low Interest Level don’t return calls. As you can see, “The System,” is very complicated stuff. Remember, guys: When she doesn’t kiss you on the second date or return your phone calls, you have her mixed up with somebody who cares.

Doc Love: Trapped In The Friend Zone Hey Doc, I took an interest in April about nine months ago. To be honest with you, I really suck when it comes to women, and I more or less put myself in the “friend zone” thinking that I could win her over from there. Big mistake. As time went on, I got frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t making any progress with her, but as we grew closer and I got to know her as a person, I fell deeper in love with her. We have become each other’s best friend. A few weeks ago, during one of her this-guy-is-so-complicated diatribes (meaning the guy she was dating was giving her trouble), I asked her if she ever entertained the notion of the two of us dating. She said no, because she thinks of me more like a brother. Normally, I would take that at face value and move on, but here’s the catch: Men haven’t really been all that kind to April. Her stepfather abused her when she was younger, and consequently, most of the guys she has been with have preyed on her low self-esteem. I love her and she knows that I do, but I get the impression that she doesn’t know how to react to a guy that really cares about her. In addition, she used to be best friends with this other guy I know, and she dated him and he broke her heart, so it makes me wonder if she’s hiding feelings for me because she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

is there something there? Since I met her, I have lost a bunch of weight, thrown away my old stoner clothes and made some pretty big lifestyle changes. Since I’m beginning to look better, I have noticed that April is starting to hold back and censor herself around me instead of being explicitly open about things like she used to be. She gets done-up when we hang out and I haven’t seen her in sloppy girl mode (ponytail, sweatpants, no makeup) in months. She doesn’t protest when I put my arm around her, but we don’t exactly cuddle, either. I want to believe there might be something there, but I wonder if I’m just imagining things. I wouldn’t be in such a knot over this girl if I didn’t think she was worth it. We tell each other “I love you” on occasion, if that lends any insight as to how close we have become, but I really do love her and I have never felt this way about a girl – Doc, I really need any coaching you have to offer. Could April have feelings for me or am I seeing something that’s not there?

Is there anything I can do to find out how she really feels? Is there anything I can do to make her look at me differently? If she doesn’t have feelings for me, how can I maintain a platonic friendship with someone I feel so strongly for? I trust that you’ll be honest with me -- even if it’s not what I want to hear. Asher - who has invested so much in her

doc love's answer Hi Asher, Thinking you could win April over from the “friend zone” wasn’t a big mistake, it was a huge miscalculation. But here’s what I find most curious of all: You read my columns, but you don’t have my book. If you know you suck with women and you like my philosophy, why don’t you invest in the single thing -- “The System,”-- that can save you a lifetime of anguish when it comes to women? Now here’s your central problem, Asher. You’re in love with April and she only sees you as a friend. The most important factor in a relationship is the woman’s Interest Level, and aside from being April’s confidante when it comes to her romantic life, she doesn’t have any interest in you. Now, don’t get me wrong. When she told you that she thinks of you as a brother, it told me that this girl is fabulous. Why? Because she told you up front exactly where you stand with her -- and most women don’t do that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s going to be a hell of a catch -- for somebody else!” Is there any hope that Asher can escape the friend zone with April? Find out next...

low Interest Level Forget about April being used and abused by other guys. I don’t care if the last 10 guys she dated punched her out. The simple fact is that it doesn’t raise her Interest Level in you. Think about it: How does a guy stomping on April’s heart make her like you better? The transition from observation to conclusion doesn’t make any sense. Or, like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, your logic is illogical.” These other guys haven’t preyed on April’s low self-esteem, Asher. Once they find out what she’s like, they just take advantage of her. Why does she always pick jerks? Because her father was a jerk. By contrast, you’re a nice guy. But it’s a wild leap of faith to believe that because you’re soft and cuddly that it means she’s romantically interested in you -- because she’s not. April knows how to react to a guy who cares about her, all right. But if a guy cares about her it doesn’t determine her actions. Her actions are determined by a guy she has high Interest

Level in -- only. To you Psych majors, Interest Level isn’t raised by how much a guy cares about a woman, it’s raised by confidence, control and challenge, the three male strength qualities. You have to get my book, dude, so you can begin to understand how women and relationships operate. What are you waiting for, more torture? You think April’s hiding feelings for you? Asher, on the basis of that, I’m going to give you the “Rationalization Of The Year Award.” When you go to the dictionary and look up the word rationalization, your face is there, did you know that? You will grab at any straw to make this thing work with this girl, won’t you? This is disturbing because April’s already told you up front that A) you don’t have a chance with her, and B) you’re like her brother. Guy, when a girl tells you something, believe her -- now.

know your role You might have made some big changes, but April can’t forget the old you. You might wear new clothes, but April remembers you in your old duds. The reason she’s holding back now is because you told her you wanted to date her, don’t you see that? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You changed the nature of the relationship with your big mouth, dog!” Know why she doesn’t reciprocate your affection? Because her Interest Level is in the toilet, that’s why. Is April worth all your mental torment? Of course not. She has zero Interest Level in you -and if a girl doesn’t dig you, you’re out. Sure she loves you – like she loves her little brother. Of course you two are close -- you’re closest friends. You’re a girlfriend to this babe -- that’s it. Are you seeing something that’s not there? Bingo! You finally hit it right on the head, Asher. You’re hallucinating. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I don’t know what kind of dope you use, but man, you gotta lay off!” You’re seeing nothing because there’s nothing there. You already know how April feels. She told you how she feels. She treats you like she feels. What does she have to do, tattoo it on her forehead like a Manson girl? Sadly for you, there’s nothing whatsoever you can do to make her feel differently. Finally, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You can’t maintain a platonic relationship with her -- it will drive you nuts.” Especially when she invites you to her wedding as the best man. Remember, guys: unless she likes you, there’s no hope.

Doc Love: Family Problems

Hey Doc, Lisa and I have been going out for 10 months now. She’s two years older than me. I’m Caucasian and she’s Chinese, and I love her. The problem is that her parents won’t accept me for being English or younger than she is. They want Lisa to be with an older, rich Chinese guy. Lisa refuses to tell them about our relationship out of fear of what they will say or do. This is a big problem. I am not allowed into her house because of her parents. She works for them at their restaurant and looks after her baby sister to help her mother out, so our only free day together is Sundays. Meeting during the week is difficult because she’s so busy every night.

on the down low Incidents have happened where I’ve taken two buses to meet Lisa and then had to wait down the road from her house because her dad asked her to babysit at the last minute or asked her to translate for him while shopping. When this happens, Lisa’s text message to me goes like this: “I’m so sorry. I love you.” But after an inbox full of these messages, they start to lose meaning. I’ve even had to hide when we spot her uncles and aunts around town, and it frustrates me. This conflict has been the fuel of quite a few arguments between Lisa and me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t force Lisa to tell her parents about us, and obviously she will choose her family over me even though she tells me otherwise. At the start of the relationship Lisa told me about these potential problems, but it didn’t seem like such a big thing. Now these issues seem to get in the way of everything. Lisa has promised me that she will tell her parents about us by the time we leave university, but I think that if she hasn’t told them by now, she’s never going to tell them. Lisa is the girl of my dreams but I can’t go on like this. Are all my efforts for nothing? What can and should I do? Mack - who wishes he hadn’t gotten in so deep

doc love's answer Hi Mack, Of course you love Lisa. You’re writing about her, aren’t you? She probably looks like Gong Li’s twin sister, so I’m sure it’s very easy to love her. But how does she manifest her love toward you? What I want to know about is her Interest Level. Because as I’ve told you guys a million times already, her Interest Level is the only thing that really matters. If Lisa refuses to tell her folks about you, you have a major problem. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If a girl will not tell her parents about you, she is not the right girl for you.

Period.” You can only see this girl one night a week? Mack, let me ask you something: How and why did you go along with all these restrictions and conditions? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Boy, this babe must be a real hottie!” I can understand undergoing this sort of torture if you’re a ninth-grader and you don’t know any better, but you’re a grown man, dude, and you’re doing all the work here. Why? How do you rationalize getting yourself into this mess? It’s obvious you haven’t even skimmed my book.

what she (really) means When Lisa texts you that she loves you, what she should add is “but I don’t love you enough to leave my parents!” Because that’s the crux of the matter here. Of course the mounting excuses lose their meaning. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The words ‘I love you’ have been bastardized. Nowadays they don’t mean what they used to.” Despite this mountain of evidence that you’re in a world of trouble here, you claim you don’t know what to do. I’ll tell you what to do: Drop Lisa and move on. Listen to me, Mack: This girl and this relationship is a waste of time. This is never going to work because Lisa will never leave her parents for you. Period. Get that? I’ll repeat it so you do: She will never leave her parents for you. So get out now. Doc love continues guiding Mack through his relationship problems next...

her parents or you? Lisa might tell you that she’ll eventually choose you over her folks, but her actions say exactly the opposite. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Once the pattern is set, there’s no changing it.” But what I want to know is why you didn’t figure this all out a lot sooner. It’s like the guy and girl who go to the University of Texas and fall in love there. At graduation she goes back home to New York, and he goes back home to Oregon. The upshot? It was dead from the beginning. To you Psych majors, men don’t look at the long-term when it comes to women -- and that’s what “The System,” does. My book teaches you to recognize all the possible red flags in relationships, which might look like tiny bumps in the road but are actually as big as Mount Everest. Like the old Chinese proverb goes: “Love conquers all only when her Interest Level is through the ceiling, grasshopper!” This thing with her family didn’t seem like such a big thing at the beginning because, like most men, you don’t listen and you don’t think in the long-term. That’s why most men need me. My friend, Lisa’s not telling her parents anything about you and her when you two leave school. She has to tell them now and get this over with or you have to drop her now. That’s the only choice you have. I don’t believe in ultimatums, but you’ve backed yourself into a

corner here and there’s no way to get out of it unless this issue is resolved. You have to tell Lisa to talk to her parents immediately and if they disinherit her, so be it. This girl doesn’t even want to see you six days out of seven, but you insist she’s the girl of your dreams. Lisa can’t be your dream girl, pal. She has 100% Interest Level in her parents and 98% Interest Level in you. You lose.

who’s to blame? Yes, all of your effort has been for naught. This has all been a gigantic waste of time. But you can’t blame Lisa. She’s an honest lady. She told you up front that her family was a major issue and that they would only allow her to marry someone from her own culture, so you shouldn’t get all wound up about her because it was dead from the beginning. In that sense, it’s exactly like a long-distance relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, the only person you can blame is yo’self!” What should you do? Tell Lisa to talk to her parents. If she can’t do it, she’s out. Remember, guys: If her parents will never accept you, don’t fall in love with her.

Doc Love: Relationship Breaks Hey Doc, My girlfriend, Beverly, and I have been together the better part of three years. We live together and go to the same college. Lately I’ve noticed that she has been particularly irritable and I’ve felt a huge distance growing between us. She has always had great difficulty communicating her feelings to me, and I have to drag every little feeling out of her. She has no problem telling her friends everything, though, and does so frequently. I confronted her about this and after hours of what seemed like an arduous interrogation rather than a meaningful conversation, I learned that she has feelings for my best friend, and has been unsure and confused about our relationship. She insists that she still sees me as the love of her life and might just need a break.

break time I was actually thinking that a break would be healthy for our relationship as it is the first serious relationship either of has been in and we’re both in our very early 20s. Beverly wants to remain together for now and we still love each other immensely. My friend and I are close and so are my girlfriend and him. They have both admitted that they have feelings for each other; they flirt when we are all together and text each other constantly, especially lately.

I love Beverly and I feel like I could get past this if we could communicate better. I have offered to do everything to help her, including going to a therapist with her and urging her to write out her feelings. Nothing seems to work. Also, I’m not a jealous guy, but I do feel a little threatened now because of this thing with my friend. I would trust Beverly never to do anything with him, but she might if we take a break. What should I do? I am immensely frustrated to say the very least. Riff - who doesn’t want to give her away with a relationship break

doc love's answer Hi Riff, Straight out of the gate you’ve made a huge mistake here: You’re just going to college and you’re already living together. You shouldn’t be living together, especially when you don’t have my materials and you don’t know what you’re doing. Like my cousin General Love says: “Being unarmed on the battlefield is an invitation to catastrophe, soldier.” Let me clear something up for you, pal. There’s a very, very good reason you feel a distance from Beverly. It’s because her Interest Level is no longer 95% -- it’s a paltry 45%. Her Interest Level dropped a massive 50 points because you haven’t been utilizing my principles. When I train a guy, the girl stays in love; when I don’t train a guy, he’s clueless about what to do. Here’s a scary statistic: 90% of American males do not know how to keep a woman in love. Without my materials, Riff, you don’t stand a chance. When are you going to wake up? Or are you a masochist and just waiting for more torture?

actions speak louder than words Let me straighten you out on something else. Beverly is communicating her feelings to you. She is communicating them loud and clear. She’s irritable and you feel a huge distance from her, right? Those are her feelings right there. She doesn’t have to verbalize anything. She doesn’t have to come right out and say: “By the way, my Interest Level in you is only 45% -it’s down 50 points.” You’re looking for completely unnecessary verification, dude. This babe is showing you all you need to know by her actions. Read the signs! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Forget the verbiage, my son. This girl is practically screaming that she doesn’t love you anymore.” Does Riff stand any chance at patching up the relationship with Beverly? Find out if a relationship break is in order next... By the way, Riff, you don’t know it, but you’re actually very lucky that Beverly’s not spewing her feelings all over you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s why God made girlfriends, dawg!” You shouldn’t be talking about feelings in the first place -you should be talking about actions. To you Psych majors, actions count. Feelings mean

nothing. So, Beverly’s “confused” about you. When a girl says she’s confused, it means her Interest Level is below 50%. But I do agree with you, Riff: A break from Beverly would be good for you. Like forever!

young and naive? Another problem you’ve got, my friend, is this girl’s age: Beverly is very young. She’s not a woman yet. What have I told you before? When she’s 19 or 20, she doesn’t have any staying power and she doesn’t know what she wants. You’re just as in the dark, dude. Beverly says she wants a break from you and you insist she loves you “immensely.” Real swift, man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I’ll bet you pull all As in college.” But heck, don’t pay any attention when your friend and girlfriend tell you they have feelings for each other. I’m sure they’re lying. Just overlook the fact that they text and flirt with each other. Like some other love doctors out there might tell you, your problem is that you’re being uptight and jealous. But seriously, do you really think your problems with Beverly are a matter of shoddy communication? Let me remind you once again: Beverly is communicating with you. Every one of her actions tells you what she’s thinking. She’s moody. She’s irritable. She tells you she likes your buddy more than you. What more do you want, pal? She couldn’t be more direct with you!

the writing is on the wall Beverly doesn’t have to write out her feelings or see a therapist. Between being cranky and smitten with your best friend, you’ve got all the evidence of her deepest emotions you’ll ever need. So you’re getting all hung up here on something that doesn’t count. Do you really think that after Beverly talks to a therapist her Interest Level is going to go from 45% back to 95%? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That would be one great shrink -- I’d pay to see her myself!” Now let me get this straight. You feel a little threatened when your girl says she digs your friend? Riff, are you taking language and logic in college? They flirt when they’re together, they text each other constantly and you’re worried that if you take a break something might happen? Wow. All I have to say is that you must be very strong in those subjects. What should you do? Heck, that’s easy! Marry this girl! She’s the perfect girl for you! Remember, guys: You have to learn to stop rationalizing.

Doc Love: Too Much Of A Challenge Hey Doc, I am an Air Force pilot stationed in Europe. I have to tell you that I never read your book. In fact, I never even knew about you until a friend suggested that I read “The System,” but frankly, I don’t have enough time for this. Anyway, here’s my story in short form. My eternal passion is aircrafts. Period. Everything else comes second. That said, I met Bree, who is 10 years younger than me. She asked for my number, then asked me to date her. We did so for eight months. My buddy (who’s your student), said that I was too much of Challenge for her. Because of my passion for aircrafts and my job, I never had enough time for her and she had to beg for attention.

no time for her I saw Bree once per week, sometimes once every two weeks. I didn’t do this on purpose. I just wanted to see her whenever I had some free time. She began to complain that I was more in love with flying than her. She got jealous and thought that I was seeing other girls. Every time we met, Bree would bite me on the neck and purposely mark me with a big red scar! She was so in love with me that she said she wanted to have babies with me. Anyway, after eight months, she said that she couldn’t tolerate the situation anymore. She said that she wanted to be in a healthy relationship where a man is romantic and thinks about her all the time. This is something I am not. I didn’t lose any sleep because Bree dumped me. But I want her back just for my ego. A pilot never quits! So I went from being a Challenge to a bit of a needy chick. I called her and admitted that I cheated on Bree when drunk and told her I wanted her back. Then I told her that I was seeing another girl, which happens to be true. She didn’t reply. I then sent her a message telling her I missed her and that while she might not be the prettiest girl I ever dated, she was unique. Her response was to tell me to leave her alone. Any advice on how to get her back? Norm

doc love's answer Hi Norm, Before we examine your situation with Bree, let’s take a look at how you’re treating your buddy. Here you have a friend, a guy you like and respect, a sharp and successful guy, and he generously recommends that you invest in my book so that it can help you, but you don’t have the time for it. This is very curious. You always find time to put gasoline in your airplane,

don’t you? Because if you don’t fuel it, it won’t work. Well, it’s the same thing with the opposite sex, Norm. Without “The System,” you’re not going to work with women.

achieving balance I’m glad you have a passion, my friend. A man should love his job first and above everything else. But from what you’ve said in your letter, it sounds like you need a bit of balance in your life or you’ll never make it with a woman. To achieve that balance, you also need to read seven pages of my book every night. That way, at the end of one month, you’ll have read the book in its entirety. If you do it for 15 months you’ll know all about women. Isn’t that simple? Just seven pages a night, Norm! Seeing Bree, or any girl, once every two weeks is not enough. You have to see a girl twice a week when she’s your girlfriend. Some guys want to see a girl three, four and five times a week, but two is the perfect number. If a special occasion comes up, you can give her three times. But if you can’t see a girl two times a week, forget about relationships. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “With women, dawg, you gotta put in the work!”

flying is his only love Seeing a babe only when you have free time doesn’t work, pal. And by the way, like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That’s a very immature statement.” The truth of the matter is that you are more in love with flying than with Bree, which is good and healthy. The trouble in this situation is that Bree’s not No. 2 on your list, she’s No. 17. The first 16 are airplanes. Read on for more of Doc Love's answer to Norm... It’s fair enough that Bree thought you were running around on her, but hopefully you really weren’t. Anyway, she was insecure enough to mark you with a big red scar. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What is she, a vampire?” She actually begged you to have babies with her. Do you see what happened here, Norm? Because you’re more in love with aircrafts than her, it drove Bree crazy. To you Psych majors, that’s the power of challenge. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If only more men would realize this fact of life!”

someday he'll want company I want a man to be romantic, but he should think about his girl part of the time -- not all of the time. But here’s the most important point, Norm: one day you’re going to want to settle down and have a wife and kids. That’s when you’re going to have to back off on the F-16s a little. You didn’t lose sleep when Bree dumped you? That’s odd. When a girl drops you, it’s supposed to trouble you. You’re not supposed to lose sleep when you dump her! But here you are writing me, so you’re contradicting yourself. I’m glad a pilot never quits, dude, but forget about getting Bree back for your ego. Once a

woman drops you, it’s over. There’s no going back. So what you’re doing now is a waste of time. You didn’t become a needy chick, Norm. So don’t put women down. You became a needy guy.

skilled, but not with women Now wait a minute here, buddy. You’re driving a $24 million airplane for the United States and you’re a drunk? Oh, that’s just great! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Hey, I’m really happy about where my tax money is goin’!”

Finally, let me get this part straight. You’re trying to get Bree back and you’re telling her she’s not the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen? That’s really endearing! Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, if that tactic doesn’t work, nothing will!” But seriously, it’s no wonder Bree told you to leave her alone. She wants nothing to do with you. You’re history, burned out, gone, Norm. There’s no possible way to get this girl back. But what you should be thinking about instead is the next girl who’s going to dump you. You’re going to want her back too, but you’re going to make the same old mistakes because you don’t have the time to memorize my materials. My gosh, Norm, what are you waiting for? Remember, guys: flying an F-16 is easier than understanding women.

Doc Love: On Other Love Doctors Hey Doc, Because of your materials I have a great gal, Jane, who just asked me to get married. Thanks a ton for coaching me on how to keep my girlfriend in love. My question is this: I was at Jane’s apartment when she was listening to Dr. Laura. A married woman called up and said she wanted to go to lunch with the mother of a guy she dated for three weeks during a breakup she had with her present husband, and just prior to their getting married. She said she had gone out with the guy only three times and it was no big deal because now she is very happily married. She added that she has gotten very close to her ex’s mom. Dr. Laura said it was a good idea to go on the lunch date and that she should invite her husband to come along. The husband balked and wanted nothing to do with the arrangement, causing friction in the marriage.

love cop It was Jane’s opinion that the husband was off base and uptight over nothing. But in “The System” you emphasize: “No exes lurking in the background!” I smell a rat because you have taught me to be a love cop. What’s the deal, Doc? Is Dr. Laura full of it and dispensing lousy advice or is it really no big deal to keep in touch with your ex’s mother? Biggy - who wants to know what is really going on

doc love's answer Hi Biggy, First of all, thanks for the compliment. One of the fundamental goals of “The System” is to teach guys how to keep their women in love with them over the long haul. Glad to hear it’s working. If you abide by the principles in my book, she’ll be in love with you forever. You are dead-on right in your assessment of this situation, but most people wouldn’t see it. But before we look at it closely, I want to say something about Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, Dr. Joy Brown, Dr. Drew Pinsky, and all the other love doctors who claim to be experts in all fields of human experience.

jack of all love trades There are over 20 types of engineers: mechanical, industrial, electrical, mathematical, etc. Each one is a specialist and an expert in his or her area of endeavor. And as the old adage goes, you simply cannot be great at everything. To you Psych majors, if you try to be all things to all people, you will end up a jack of all trades and master of none. Dr. Laura, for example, gives advice on how to raise kids and how to not argue with the neighbors about their barking dog, as well as everything else in between. She gives lots of advice in many different areas of life, but I only give advice in one, the most important area of all if you want to be a success with women -- how to keep her Interest Level in the stars. I don’t give advice in other areas, because I have only one strong suit. It’s my contention that this should apply to all love doctors. Doc Love finishes explaining to Biggy why other love doctors just don't have what he has...

unanswered questions Now let’s look at the situation you brought up regarding the married woman who befriended her ex’s mother. What Dr. Laura did not see, or ask the wife, was this: “If you had an

argument with your fiancé, why did you go out with another guy so soon after the argument?” Like my cousin General Love says: “So much for loyalty, right?” And here’s another crucial question that she missed putting to that married woman: “Couldn't you have been alone for a day or two until you worked it out with your fiancé before running off to another guy?” Or how about this one: “How did you meet this guy’s mom and get so close with her son in only three dates?” No, Dr. Laura missed everything of importance here. She should also have said to the chummy married woman: “After you have lunch with your ex’s mom, your ex is going to ask her questions like: ‘Do you think that she’s happily married? Can I go along on your next meeting?’” etc. In other words, this guy is still lurking in the background, waiting for his moment to pounce. But Dr. Laura didn’t think of that either, did she?

advice on women from women? The poor, hapless husband intuitively knew that the conversation his wife shared with the mother of her ex would be heard by the son -- his wife’s ex. And the ex happens to be the guy who wanted the married woman. He might not have put it into so many words, but it was Dr. Laura’s job to bring that very important point out. Maybe she didn’t want to. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “One thing you can say about women is that they stick together!” Now, that husband should be asking his wife: “If I hit a tree and died and your ex called for a date, would you go out with him?” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!”

she's anti-loyal That wife thinks her hubby is jealous and possessive. But it’s my opinion she’s anti-loyal. Even if she thinks her hubby is wrong and too backwards in his thinking, isn't her marriage more important than having lunch with someone her husband would prefer she not see? Apparently she would rather make her husband uncomfortable and be right rather than be loved. Dr. Laura missed that part of it, too. The truth is that she missed everything, Biggy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Would you ask that woman for advice?” Remember, guys: Loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: Taking Love Too Fast Hey Doc,

First, about me: Typically, I’m the jerk who every girl falls for, but I end up screwing things up or just losing interest and hurting the girl’s feelings. This time around, it’s different. Don’t ask me why, but it is. Get this; a few days ago I contacted Ashley through a dating website. She’s hot, she’s a blonde, she’s younger than me, has a good head on her shoulders, and lives nearby. After two days of talking she came to my place to meet me. We ended up hanging out and watching TV. At three in the morning I asked if she was staying or going. She said you can kick me out if you want, but I don’t feel like driving home right now. So throughout the whole night, I found her either getting up close to me or taking my arm and putting it around her. Good sign.

instant connection The next day she went to work and we texted on and off all day long. I asked if she was going to come back that night -- I was just kidding, never expecting her to come -- but she did. So I was thinking, wow, she must really be interested in me or she’s mental. Or both. The same thing happened. We watched TV and hung out and nothing romantic or intimate happened. In the morning, before she left, she kissed me a few times during our goodbye hug. When we were talking on the phone the next night, Ashley told me she plans on being married within two years and wants a serious and long-term relationship now. She said she’s been through a ton of crap in her life and knows what kind of guy she wants. Then she said she wanted me. Now I’m head over heals for her just because she rubbed my ego the right way.

he's smitten I can’t get Ashley out of my head. I want to talk to her all day long. If I could, I’d just drive over to her place and see her. I know that it might be a bit freaky to just show up, but I would do it. And the thing is I’ve never felt this way about a girl in my life. Ever. She might be the right girl for me. What should I do? Ashley said she’s never ever cheated, and we share very similar views about what we want in a relationship and that we’re sick of just dating and hookups. What does this mean? Did I find my soul mate/dream girl? Or is this way too good to be true? Thanks, Doc. Curly - who keeps pinching himself Read on for Doc Love's answer...

doc love's answer

Hi Curly, Just how do you figure that Ashley has a good head on her shoulders? Because she hung around your bedroom until three in the morning on the night she met you? You don’t even know this woman, my friend. The Bottom Line Factor says you know as much about her as you do the lady who checks you out at the supermarket. In other words, she’s a complete stranger. So you have no rational basis whatsoever for making that statement. I’m not trying to burst your bubble here. My job is to help you to face reality, and that’s what I’m doing.

do you really know her? So, you hung out and watched TV all night with this soul mate of yours? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You’re quite the big spender, ain’t you, dawg?” You should have kicked Ashley out at 10 o’clock instead of letting her sleep at your pad until early morning. Sure, it was a good sign that she put her arm around you -- but only if you’d been going out with her for a month -- but not on the first meeting, Curly. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “This girl’s way too fast, even for me!” So maybe you’re right -- she’s mental. You’re texting back and forth with this girl all day long after being with her once? Curly, you know absolutely zero about Challenge and the concept of giving a girl some space! Don’t you realize that you’ve only spent a few hours with this girl and you’re already giving away the store? Think about it. You’ve had exactly two dates -- if you can even call them dates -- with Ashley and you’re already madly in love, that’s what you’re telling me here. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, isn’t this a bit too impulsive for you, especially with your track record?”

put the brakes on It’s great that Ashley rubbed your ego the right way and that your heart is pounding wildly, but again, you’ve only seen this girl a couple of times. If you’d been going out with her for three months and she did this, I’d be doing back flips for you. But not after hanging with her twice where all the two of you did was stare at a TV screen. I’ll repeat what I said earlier: You know absolutely nothing about her. You've barely started a relationship. Curly, I certainly believe that you want to rap with this babe all day long. But practicing self control, you know not to do it -- right? I certainly hope so. Of course it would be freaky to show up on Ashley’s doorstep. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What do you wanna do, come off as a stalker?” If something goes wrong, you’ll end up in jail, dude. Don’t get me wrong, Curly. I want you to have high feelings for this girl. I just don’t want you to act upon them. If you go in like a bull in the proverbial china shop, you’ll only succeed in wrecking everything. To you Psych majors, you have to let the relationship unfold slowly.

wait and see What should you do? Put it in reverse right now. But you say that you and Ashley have similar views and attitudes. Pal, you have no real basis for this because you haven’t been around her long enough to know what she thinks. What does this whole thing mean? It means nothing whatsoever except that you and Ashley are both head over heels for each other after two dates. Whether or not it will last another 40 years, that’s another question altogether. Did you find your dream girl? If Ashley acts the same way toward you in three months as she’s acting now, then yes. But you have to get that time in with her before you can move forward with your relationship. There’s no other way. This whole thing isn’t too good to be true, buddy -- it’s just way, way too fast. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you go in fast, you go out fast.” Remember, guys: You have to get lots of time in with her before you know where she’s really coming from.

Doc Love: Bros Before Hos Hey Doc, First off, I’m sorry to say that I can’t afford "The System," but I have read almost all of your columns and I can see your wisdom. Anyway, I was hoping that you would help me to help my brother break it off with this girl who has, and I’m not exaggerating, been literally sucking the life, soul and goodness out of him. He met her online, they dated for about nine months, everything moved very quickly. Within one month they said “I love you,” and within four or five they were talking about moving to Vegas and getting married. My brother is 25 and this is his first real girlfriend. She’s 21, by the way.

she's a con-lover I saw almost straight off that she was no good, and that his Interest Level reached 99% very quickly. I’m not sure that hers ever topped 75%. Then came the real kicker: Her felon ex -who is old enough to be her father, has done 12 years in prison and has a bunch of kids -came into town, and she spent a week in a hotel with him. Even worse, my brother found out and stayed with this tramp, even though she forbade him from exacting any sort of vengeance

and refused to cut it off with her outlaw ex. Worse still, my brother spends almost as much time with this parasite as he did before. His Interest Level is still at 95% and hers has waned to probably 25%. He won’t end it even though she uses him to yell at when she pleases and to ignore when he calls her. Please, please Doc, help me to help him lose this vermin. Help me come up with the vaccine to rid him of this scum. Please tell me how to get through to him. Shemp - who feels helpless but knows that it's bros before hos

doc love's answer Hi Shemp, First of all, let me get this straight: You’ve read a bunch of my columns, you can obviously see that I have a great deal of wisdom when it comes to women and dating, you agree with everything I say -- then you tell me you can’t afford my book. I don’t get it. Now, if this were 1965, $99 would be a lot of money. But today, $99 is virtually nothing. You can go out with your buddies for dinner and drinks and easily blow $100 in one night and get nothing out of it except a bad hangover. Here you’ve got a book of profound wisdom, the kind of coaching that can make your life immeasurably better in all areas, and you won’t spring for it. It makes no sense. But now I do understand how you and your brother have found yourselves marooned in this swamp. Shemp, this tragedy wouldn’t be happening to your sibling had he memorized my materials because I would have steered him clear of this train wreck. Did you think of that, my friend? Don’t I tell you every week in my column that if you want to avoid disaster at the hands of bad women that you have to read and commit my book to memory? Again, it’s absolutely baffling why you two won’t spend a few bucks to help yourselves. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You guys must really be into pain and suffering.” Can Doc Love make Shemp realize the importance of "The System" and how it can help his brother?

too much too soon On to your brother’s fix. Everything that happened between him and this girl happened way too fast. On the other hand, it’s understandable. Your brother’s 25, he’s never had a date and this vampire happens along. If he -- or any guy -- doesn’t know my principles, he’s a sitting duck for a predator. No mystery there whatsoever. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “It’s happened to millions of other guys before him, grasshopper.” And she’s only 21? In other words, she’s a little girl with a great face and a killer body and your brother is completely and totally smitten. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When a man is smitten, he can’t think straight.” Then again, what can your brother do? Ninety-nine smackers is way too much

money to shell out to extricate him from a mess like this! So, this little girl spent a week shacked up with a felon old enough to be her father? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Sounds like she’s great marriage material!” What’s the big problem, Shemp?

vengeance is served cold in prison I’m not laughing because this is no laughing matter. This babe warned your brother about exacting revenge on a hardened criminal? Buddy, you should be warning your brother to hide from this guy! Don’t forget, this bird spent 12 years in stir. Vengeance is going to be coming at your brother, not the other way around. He’s going to come out to his car one night, see that the tires are slashed and the windows are bashed in, and it’s going to cost him $2,200 to get it fixed. But you’re right -- $99 is way too expensive to save your brother’s life! And by the way, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Does this ex-con happen to have a swastika tattooed on his forehead?” The truly sad thing is that your poor brother is in hell on earth right now, Shemp, and you’re powerless to do anything to get him out of it. And here’s the ironic part: You’ve come to me because he needs all the help he can get, but you’re too cheap to pull him out of his quagmire by buying him the only book in the world that can save him both physically and emotionally. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You’re not being much of a brother, my son.” Remember, guys: The only way you can be your brother’s keeper is through “The System.”

Doc Love: When Her Ex Comes Home Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles about returning exes and found them helpful, but only up to a point. I’ll explain.

her ex has come home I met Samira a month ago and we hit it off immediately. We got very romantic the first night. Since then, it’s been going great. We see each other nearly every day and spend pretty much the entire weekend together. Recently, however, her ex returned and said he wants her back. They saw each other for a year and split up about three months before we met. Samira’s ex lover is a complete jerk. He treats her like dirt and talks down to her, but she is now saying she is confused and doesn’t know what to do or who to choose, despite all her

friends and her mother telling her that it should be me. He keeps calling and texting her, and they have met up a few times. The other day, though, when they met up, they got very romantic -- which was a real punch in the crotch. She told me afterward at a party that she was “thinking of me the whole time.”

her ex has confused her Doc, I honestly believe her on this. Her ex was also present at this same party. Every time he saw us together he came over and told her to go with him, which she did. Not wanting to play second fiddle, I went off and started having a good time, but while I was getting a drink I saw her crying her eyes out. I went over to see if she was OK, and she said she just didn’t know who to choose. While she was telling me this, her ex came over, gave me a dirty look, and took her home.

ah, her ex comes home to show how gentle he is A few hours later I got a call from Samira. She was in tears again, and told me she was sorry for being stupid and ruining my evening. She sounded so upset that I went to her house to see if she was OK. She wasn’t. She told me her ex had spent the last few hours shouting at her and making everything seem like it was her fault and that he pushed and slapped her. Anyway, it got late and I had to leave. Samira still hasn’t made a decision whether to go with her ex or me. What should I do? Hamsi - Who doesn’t know what to do when her ex comes home.

doc love’s answer Hi Hamsi, This girl needs help all right, but you’re not exactly perfect yourself.

a trilogy of mistakes Your first mistake was getting romantic with Samira the very first night you met. That's way, way too fast. What’s your hurry, man? You should have walked her to her door, said thanks for the fun time, and then gotten out of there. Your second mistake was seeing her every day. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you’re starving on the battlefield, you have to spoon-feed yourself.” Your third mistake was hanging out with this girl on weekends. She doesn’t get weekends until she asks you why you never ask her out on weekends.

Obviously, you have absolutely no idea how to use the concept of Challenge, especially when her ex comes home. You would have if you’d read and memorized my book, but you haven’t, have you, Hamsi? As I’ve told you guys before, my columns are just a glimpse into the vast treasure trove that is “The System.” Why would you not want to get your hands on all that gold? Gosh, what are you waiting for, another ex to show up? Doc Love helps Hansi understand what to do when her ex comes home...

the critical question is... The most critical question in your fix is this: What is Samira’s Interest Level in you versus her Interest Level in her ex? What you’ve learned here -- though you haven’t seen or understood it -- is that Samira loves jerks. And this ex of hers is a big jerk, but she’s wild about him. On the other hand, you’re a nice guy who’s all over her like white on rice, but does she love you as much? Samira has low Self-Esteem and that’s why she loves this jerk. In addition, the jerk is a negative Challenge, which entices her even more. Looks like you don’t stand a chance. Now, let me get this straight. Samira goes out voluntarily behind your back with another guy when she supposedly loves you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “This girl’s a real cuckoo!” But even worse, she tells you that she makes out with her ex, and you’re supposed to hang around. Then, worst of all, you do hang around. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Boy, talk about a whipped little puppy dog!”

how sweet, her thoughts were with you But how romantic is it that she was thinking of you the whole time she was in her ex’s arms? This guy has his tongue down her throat and her mind is only on you. What a good girl she is! I’m sure you honestly believe Samira when she tells you that she thinks only of you when she fools around with another guy. And here’s something else I honestly believe: Your Interest Level is 100% and Samira’s is in the 30s. Now, let me get something else straight. You’re with Samira at this party, the ex stops by and says get over here, and she just drops you like a bad habit. And you say you don’t want to play second fiddle. If that’s the case, you should have walked up to these two and said: “I hope you guys really make it this time and I wish you all the luck in the world,” then you should have walked off, took Samira’s phone number and set a match to it. But what did you do? You stood there while the jerk took Samira home. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This dawg’s in charge, I have to give him that!” He doesn’t mess around, unlike you, Hamsi. You’re much too passive.

stupid is as stupid does

Actually, Hamsi, it’s a good deal for you that Samira is stupid, because you like stupid women. To you Psych majors: You should stay away from any girl who likes a guy to slap her around. Of course she should have called the police when it happened and gotten a restraining order against this turkey. Then again, Samira’s not a normal woman. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “By the way, you should stay away from this girl before her ex starts slapping you around too.” Samira has made a decision who to choose, dude. Her decision is that she’ll run to Macho Boy when he snaps his fingers and she’ll keep the Wimp too -- so she’ll have you both. And Hamsi, guess which one of those guys you are? Remember, guys: Don’t go out with women who need psychiatrists.

Doc Love: Women Who Play Games Hey Doc, I read “The System” and let me tell you, it’s a great book with great advice for guys. I learned a lot from reading your book and I apply it to every area of my life.

attracting the wrong women Anyway, three months ago I broke up with my ex of two years, or I should say she broke up with me, because she wasn’t happy that my professional sports career kept me away from her for five months a year. But it was for the best because she played way too many games and was very manipulative. With her gone, I have had more time to run my business, take classes, hang out with family and friends, study Spanish, etc. I’m a pretty good-looking guy, I have a good education and I have always been Cocky & Funny because it’s my personality. Meeting women has never been a problem. I know a lot of females play games and need constant attention, but the women I’ve usually ended up with are the worst. Maybe it’s my desire to play hero to these needy chicks. Or, because I tend to date the hotter women, they come with more problems and give me more crap. I’ve now started dating again and I want to stay on the cautious side. The latest may not be as hot as the ones I usually date, but Colleen is a college professor with potential. If she didn’t dress the part and did something with her hair (I wish I could tell her in a subtle way that it’s too long and frizzy and would be better if she had a hair dresser give her a more complimenting cut), she would actually be really hot.

just friends? I dated Colleen four times over the past month, and it has been good; I’m moving on the cautious side of course, and she and I have enjoyed every date. We had a nice time on Saturday, but on Sunday she texted me to say she had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again -- even if it is just as friends. I questioned what she meant by that, and she said that she just means she likes hanging out with me and no matter how things turn out she wants to remain friends. She basically said that she didn’t feel like I was opening up and that I didn’t seem interested in her. I told her I don’t like to move fast and it takes time for me to feel comfortable with a chick. Then, she said we should hang out with no obligations. She added that we should date other people. I said fine, but I don’t like to date more than one person at a time, and if she wanted to, it was best if we were just friends. After five minutes she was back to her old self. It seemed like she was just using the concept of dating other people to get more out of me, like a threat. That’s a huge turn-off because I’ve dealt with women who play games before. Anyway, I’m trying to understand what she wants. Did she say that to manipulate me or make me worry about losing her to another guy in an attempt to get more out of me? Did she say it to show that she wasn’t trying to move too fast either? Is this really nothing to worry about? Does she have low Interest Level and really want to date someone else? I don’t want to make the same mistakes and end up with a game-player. Could you weigh in, Doc? Freeman - who’s trying to decode one of many women who play games Doc Love weighs in on women who play games after the jump... Hi Freeman, First of all, thanks for the compliment. And you’re absolutely right, “The System” does apply to all areas of life. You’ll notice that it applies beautifully to business, and after you memorize the book, you’re going to observe people from a different perspective. You’re going to understand what their real motives are when you deal with them. This tells you how profound my principles are and how valuable my book is. Now, when your ex started dating you, she knew you had a sports career, didn’t she? She knew you’d be gone five months out of the year, right? She knew all of this, but she continued to date you anyway? Why did she waste your time and then decide to get rid of you when it finally sank in that you had to be away from her for nearly half the year? It’s too bad you hadn’t read my book sooner -- and gotten out sooner. Sad to say, most guys wait until they’re dying until they get my book.

reading women

The good thing is that all of your problems with women who play games should be a thing of the past now that you have my book. Once you read it 15 times, you’re going to figure out a babe in two to three dates max, then you’re out of there. No more wasted time and no more wasted money. The second reason you mentioned is the real reason you’re having trouble with women. I don’t think you’re trying to play hero to these needy chicks, Freeman, but I do believe that when you start getting into Beautiful Women, they’re much more trouble -- and this is just a generalization -- than an average-looking woman. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She might be hot, but you always have to ask yourself whether you want to risk getting burned. And chances are you will.” Unless, of course, you abide by my principles. I don’t think you necessarily have to be cautious when dating, but I think you should read my materials faithfully, listen to my CDs in the car, be aware of what’s going on, and keep your eyes open at all times when you’re dealing with the opposite sex.

make her think it was her idea You can’t tell Colleen directly about her hair. But what you could do is show her a photo in a magazine like Vogue or Elle and say to her: “How do you think your hair would look cut like that?” or: “I kind of like the hair on this girl. What do you think?” And then, if she has high Interest Level and is a Flexible Giver, maybe she’ll pick up on it and go out and have it done. That way she’ll feel like she’s in control, and she’ll think it was her idea. To you Psych majors: You can never directly criticize a woman. It never works. More on women who play games next...

womanese 101 However, that’s a minor concern here. When she uttered the word “friends,” it wasn’t a small red flag. Like my cousin General Love says: “This red flag was the size of Alaska!” Anytime they start mumbling about being friends, you’re in over your head. Why is this woman talking about a negative possibility after only four dates? You’re on the way out, dude. She’s telling you through Womanese that you’re finished. If Colleen had any brains, and she should since she’s a college professor, she should know that since you’ve taken her out four times in a row that you’re interested in her. So, saying she thinks you’re not really interested in her is just an excuse for something else. As far as opening up to her, you should have asked her what, specifically, she would like to know about you?

when it’s time to move on

Telling this babe that you don’t like to move fast is a waste of time. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You might just as well go and talk to a cow out in the pasture.” The better thing to do is keep your mouth shut and write her off. When Colleen says that she doesn’t want either of you to have obligations, she’s really telling you her Interest Level is below 50%. When she tells you she thinks you should date other people, she’s telling you her Interest Level is below 40%. But you went ahead and told her that you don’t like to date more than one person at a time. Why in the world are you telling this person who’s not interested in you such a personal thing about yourself? Do you think it’s actually going to change her mind? Freeman, you’re very, very naive. Ironically, you have my book, which I find very interesting. It means you’ve read it, or parts of it, but haven’t committed it to memory. Keep working on it, pal. It is possible that Colleen was making a veiled threat in your phone conversation, but I think she was really telling you about her Interest Level -- and it’s not high. She’s not playing a game with you, my friend, she’s being very honest. What she’s saying is: "I’m going to see you, and even though your Interest Level is high, mine isn’t, and I’m still going to go out with you and waste your time romantically."

don't cross that border What Colleen really wants is to go out with a guy and have no strings attached, like she said. She’s not trying to get more out of you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You’re off in la-la land with that theory.” She’s not telling you anything about moving fast or slow; she’s telling you she’s not interested in you. Is this something to worry about? No, not as long as you don’t mind dating women with less than 50% Interest Level. I can’t say whether Colleen wants to date someone else, but I do know this: Her Interest Level is south of the border. Remember, guys: When she says it’s OK to date someone else, it’s time to move on.

Doc Love: She's In A Relationship Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles now for the past year or so. They have provided me with a lot of inspiration to keep on going after my relationships didn’t work out or if I was in a drought. But now I’m enamored with one particular girl, and I’m stuck. Here’s the back story: I was transferred overseas for my job. On the first day at work I was

stunned to find that a beautiful woman, Nico, worked at my new office (a big surprise, considering that I’m an engineer on a construction site). During the first month there was a lot of casual flirting between us. Finally, I asked her out on a date, she said yes, and it was perfect. Afterward, it ended with a proper kiss; needless to say, I was stoked. We went on a couple of more dates and all was well with the world.

she has a boyfriend I painstakingly tried not to get ahead of myself, but we did get very romantic, and it was even more wonderful. Fast-forward a few weeks (and several more special nights), and she drops a huge bomb on me: She has a boyfriend. Crap. I was shocked. She never said anything about him. But then she drops an even bigger bomb: He’s coming to work at the same site as us, and he’s moving in with her! So, I backed off, he moved in and Nico slowly started getting tired of his BS. She wouldn’t tell me anything about her relationship with him, and I didn’t pry (by the way, I got the word from a mutual friend, who happened to mention it in passing). He didn’t even know that Nico and I had any form of relationship going on. Anyway, after a couple of months, Nico’s boyfriend got fired and moved back to his hometown. Things started to heat up between Nico and I once again. After spending time together for another month and a half -- with no boyfriend in sight -- things were good again.

fool me once What a sucker I am. Now she’s leaving on a three-week holiday with the boyfriend. On the day she left, I gave her a lift to her house. When I dropped her off, it was a terrible goodbye, with no hug and no kiss. When I left, I was about 15 minutes down the road when I decided to turn around. Nico and I then had a proper goodbye; it was very emotional. It was then that I made my biggest mistake: I told her that I was in love with her. I didn’t even get an “I love you” back. Instead I got, “I have a love for you, but I don’t know if I’m in love with you.” What the hell do I do now? Puck - who’s a retard at relationships

doc love's answer Hi Puck, Let me ask you something: You’ve read 52 of my articles, you’re totally obsessed with a girl you can’t handle, you’re heartbroken, and you don’t have my book? What are you waiting for, my friend, more pain and torture?

does she want you or the attention? When Nico dropped the boyfriend bomb on you, you should have said: “As soon as you’re done with this guy, call me.” What you have to remember here is that this girl is going out with you -- and making out with you behind her boyfriend’s back. So, she’s running two stooges (that you know of). Who knows how many more she has? What this means is that Nico can’t do without the incoming attention. She loves the fact that there are two guys coming at her, and that she’s the one controlling the whole mess. She has a boyfriend -- what can Nico do at this point? Doc Love continues to weigh in after the jump... She then has the nerve to bring the boyfriend to work with you and move in with him! This girl has a lot of Integrity, there’s no doubt about that. However, you believe she’s tired of the other guy’s BS. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “They always say that, but she didn’t move out, did she?” The fact that you didn’t tell the mutual friend anything about you and Nico shows you could handle something right, though. Now let me get this straight because I can hardly believe it: After the other guy got canned from the job and went home, you went back to Nico? That was the biggest mistake of your life. In case you haven’t noticed, this girl is untrustworthy. You can’t trust her at all; she used you. So why in the world would you want to go back to her? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Did your mother take away your blanket when you were two years old?”

you’ve been played Now she has left for a long holiday with the old boyfriend who was supposedly out of the picture. Man, this girl can really operate. She manipulates you with the skill of a great artist. Women are always complaining that guys are players. Well, you’ve got a player right here, Puck. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “She owns two turkeys -- you at work, the other dope on holiday.” Nevertheless, you gave Nico a lift the day she left. Why? You should have thrown her number into the toilet and flushed instead. You should never even have talked to this girl again. When you’re at work, smile and be cordial, but as far as dating her, you would have to have rocks in your head to open the door to more pain. Nico has shown you her true colors, but you won’t look at them. But, of course, you don’t have my book, so what could you expect?

goodbye or get lost? Did you really expect Nico to hug and kiss you goodbye? Dude, she’s going to an island to kiss another guy for three weeks -- don’t you get it? She's just not that into you. And why would you want to kiss her?

The goodbye on her doorstep wasn’t emotional for Nico -- it was emotional for you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, this girl really did some number on your head!” And I have more bad news for you, pal: Nico doesn’t have any emotions. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “This girl’s not a keeper. She’s a snake and a user.” But you went and blurted out that you loved her. Great. She’s going off to spend three weeks in bed with some guy on an island, and you’re telling her you love her. Hey, that’s perfectly rational in my book. When Nico told you she had “a love” for you, it was the only honest thing she ever said in her life. To you Psych majors: When a girl says something like that, it means she’s not in love with you. It means she’s just playing with you. The fact is that you never owned this girl, buddy. If you had, she wouldn’t have pulled all this crap on you. But you would only have known that if you’d read “The System.” There’s only one thing you can do now, Puck: Get my book, memorize it and don’t just flip through another 52 articles. Remember, guys: If she hurts you once, don’t allow her to hurt you twice.

Doc Love: Uncomfortable With The Way She Dresses Hey Doc, I just received “The System” the other day, but I have a question that can’t wait. My girlfriend, Lexi, and I have been together for three years. She’s probably a 9 or a 10 and I fell for her the moment I saw her. She’s by far the hottest woman I’ve ever been with.

she like the attention For the most part, everything with our relationship is good. But there is one area that really causes friction from time to time and frustrates me: Lexi seems to have this larger-thanaverage need for attention. What I mean by this is that she doesn’t just demand a large amount of attention from me, but she seems to seek it from other men as well. See, Lexi is built like my dream girl (and, I imagine, most guys’ dream girl). She has a beautiful face with full lips, big doe eyes, great legs, and all the curves I could ever ask for. The problem is that she loves to wear clothes that also show off her great assets to every Tom, Dick and Harry on the street. This has caused some serious problems between us when we go

out in public due to the countless amounts of men that stare. I’ve even come close to a few fistfights with other guys who have gotten a bit too disrespectful.

going home with a blockbuster Now, don’t get me wrong, I do realize that no matter how much these guys stare, I’m the one that actually gets to be with Lexi. I don’t worry about physical confrontations, as I am 6-foot2, 205 pounds, and I boxed for a few years when I was younger; so most guys don’t get too brazen. But I don’t understand why Lexi feels the need to draw this kind attention to herself, especially since it causes problems between us. She also goes out with her friends to nightclubs dressed this way, which I don’t even dare think about. Lexi’s excuse is that she had an overbearing mother who always forced her to cover up. She then turns the tables on me by saying that I only get angry over this because of my own insecurities and jealousy and that if she really wanted the attention of all these guys, she would just go and be single. I have no comebacks for these types of arguments. The only thing I can do is refer back to the horror stories she has told me about public incidents with her ex-husband on account of how she dressed.

uncomfortable with her sexy style So my question is this: Do I have a right to be uncomfortable with the way she dresses or am I indeed just being overly jealous and insecure? Is this just one of the things I have to deal with when dating a 10? I generally do not enjoy women who feel the need to draw attention to themselves, but I try to go out of my way to tell Lexi I love her and how gorgeous she is, but she still gets upset that I don’t tell her these things enough. Is this why she constantly looks for the attention of John Doe on the street? Am I just ignorant of my woman’s needs? Coach me, Doc! I’m going crazy because I’m uncomfortable with the way she dresses. Flip - who is the jealous type Doc Love lets Flip and you know what the issues are when you’re uncomfortable with the way she dresses…

doc love’s answer Hi Flip, You put your finger on your problem up in the second paragraph of your letter: Lexi has a greater-than-average need for attention. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, since we all live to our 80s these days, are you going to be able to deal with this behavior all that

time?” What you have here is a high-maintenance woman. If things are perfect with her in every other area and you don’t mind enduring Lexi’s exhibitionism for the next 40 or 50 years, you’ll be fine. But if on occasion you want to be left alone for a while and she needs to hear how much you love her every five minutes, it’s going to drive you crazy over the long haul.

one man will never be enough Unfortunately, that’s not where it stops. One man is never going to be sufficient for this girl. To you Psych majors: She has low self-esteem, so the love of one man is not enough for her. Not that she’s giving the other men love, but she obviously needs their attention. Why does she care what rank strangers think about her? And the guys who check her out don’t have any love for her -- which she really wants, down deep -- they’re just lusting after her. So, the problem is not that Lexi wears sexy clothes. That’s merely the effect. This girl has massive insecurity, in spite of the fact that she looks like Megan Fox and could be on the cover of Vogue magazine.

“don’t stare,” my mother always said Staring at a woman is rude and it’s a truly horrible habit, but most guys do it all the time. And they do it when you’re with Lexi, so they’re not showing you any respect. When these guys see a beautiful woman, they just lose control of themselves. I never stare at beautiful women no matter where I am. Everyone else is already staring at them, so why should I? If I want to impress her, I won’t pay attention to her in order to stand out from the turkeys who can’t help themselves. Flip, I hope for your sake that you don’t get into a fight with a guy who happens to be a gang member and he pulls out a gun. What will you do then? Get yourself offed over this girl? Remember, you’re going to be with her for 40 years. Like my cousin General Love says: “You may be rough and tough and very macho, but can you dodge or outrun a bullet?”

she likes to be stroked Lexi needs to act the way she does because she has to try to fill a vast empty space in her and she needs the strokes. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “She had a lousy childhood and you’re going to pay for it for the rest of your life.” Doc Love reveals the truth about Flip’s girl… Now, on to her night activities; it’s one thing if a girl dresses sexy when she’s with you, but why is she going out with her girlfriends and having guys try to pick her up in clubs and bars? You’re telling me she loves you, but when she dresses provocatively when she’s out on the

town it implies she’s available. Guys are coming up to her and she’s playing the rejection card with them. This is very dangerous behavior. Dude, this girl’s a sicko. So Lexi had a miserable childhood and was treated poorly by her mother. But can’t she be modest and cover up at least a little? Does she really have to go to the other extreme? This girl is totally immature.

she’s a “single” girl You’re not the one with the insecurities, Flip; don’t let it get to your head. What your girl is doing is disrespectful and disloyal. If you were to go out to dinner and stare at the waitress’ legs, that would also be disrespectful and disloyal. So it’s the same thing. It has nothing do with jealousy or insecurity. Lexi doesn’t need to go out and be single. She already acts that way. She hangs around in clubs without you, doesn’t she? That’s acting like she’s single. She’s talking out of both sides of her mouth. And she’s got the best of both worlds. The reason you don’t have comebacks for Lexi’s arguments is because you haven’t memorized my materials. This mess you’re in is all about loyalty and respect and has nothing to do with jealousy. Jealousy is when you see your girl talking to some guy at a party and you want to go over and jump on him when he hasn’t even come on to her and he’s innocently standing there with his wife. What you’re dealing with is something else altogether. Flip, you have to remember something: Lexi’s ex went through the same thing you’re going through. What makes you think you're going to be any different? Her ex wasn’t a jealous guy, but what she did to him was disrespectful. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This girl could literally get you killed, dawg.”

she does it for the team Flip, you might not be jealous, but you should feel uncomfortable. And you’re uncomfortable because Lexi’s dissing your relationship by not being loyal to you. Remember the old James Bond movie For Your Eyes Only? To Lexi it’s for your eyes only -- as long as you’re the soccer team! You shouldn’t be telling this babe how much you love her and how gorgeous she is. You’re talking to the wall, buddy. Your compliments rate right up there with stares from strangers. You tell Lexi you love her and you treat her great, but in her mind it’s the same as a leer from a guy on the street because her clothes are too tight and she’s showing too much skin.

she’s an empty vessel

Flip, this girl will never be satisfied. You can tell her 20 times a day how stunning she is, but she’s an empty vessel. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She’s the kind who will keep getting plastic surgery when she’s already the best-looking woman in town.” You’re not doing anything wrong, guy; except for telling Lexi how much you love her, you’re doing everything right. Remember, guys: Deep down some women want to be strippers.

Doc Love: She Likes Drinking With Her Ex Hey Doc, Before I met Jolene I memorized “The System.” I’ve made a few small missteps with her, but I expected that to happen. I used humor to get past my mistakes and it’s the best relationship I’ve had so far. We’ve been dating for about three months now and have been on more than 20 dates. I see her two to three times a week, we talk about positive topics, and she is very Flexible and Giving. When I was an hour late for a date once, she said: “Honey, I’m just happy to see you at all!” Everything is going fine, except for this: While I’m 23 and work full-time, she’s only 20 and still in college. During the week we live different lives. Jolene goes out drinking with her guy friends while I’m at home getting ready for work the next day. Several times her macho guy friends have made moves on her, but she shoots them down like ducks at a firing range. It bothers me that she goes out drinking with a bunch of dudes, but I would never say anything because her Interest Level would only go down. However, her macho ex-boyfriend has recently started sending me e-mails saying how he knows her better than I do, that he’s still in love with her and that he’s going to wait out our relationship.

she's living a different life Now, this normally would not be a problem except that Jolene goes to school about 30 minutes from where I live and work. This isn’t really a long distance, but her obsessed macho ex lives two minutes from her dorm room. They have a lot of the same friends and they hang out together a few times a week while I only see her on the weekend. He tells her that our relationship can’t last because I live too far away and he reminds her that he’s only two minutes away from her at all times. The problem is that she agrees with him. You say it’s ideal to see a girlfriend two times a week, and I agree, but Jolene does not seem to feel the same way. Should I worry about this Macho Boy putting the moves on my girl while I’m asleep and far

away? Should I move up to seeing her three to four times a week? And should I worry about her drinking with a gang of guys who would take her in a second if they could? Steph - who has followed “The System” and gotten this far

doc love's answer Hi Steph, What you told me straight out of the gate is absolutely fantastic, and here’s why: You were prepared for this girl. Most guys come to me when they’ve already been going out with a girl for six to eight months and they’re in deep trouble. By the time they get to me, they have to try and undo all the boo-boos they made during those six to eight months. It’s at that hopeless point that they first realize how many blunders they’ve made. But the problem, of course, is that it’s already too late -- the woman’s Interest Level has taken a nose dive. However, you have my book first and armed yourself for what was to come. I want to congratulate you on your foresight. By the way, I hope you called Jolene a half-hour before you were supposed to see her and told her you were going to be late. Most guys just show up late or call when they’re already late. To you Psych majors: When you know you’re not going to be on time for a date, call 30 minutes or sooner before you’re supposed to meet the girl. That way she knows you’re not standing her up or playing with her head.

20 = trouble So, Jolene is only 20 years old. You know what I say about 18- to 22-year-olds, don’t you? They’re just little girls. Now, let me get this straight. While you’re spending your evenings preparing yourself to make money, this girl’s knocking back Jack Daniels with the boys? Wow -- you two certainly are living different lives! You’re busting your butt and her life is a big party. And why is this girl having more than two drinks? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If she has more than two drinks when she goes out on the town, she’s an alcoholic and you should get rid of her.” Doc Love helps Steph realize why she likes drinking with her ex next...

can she really be trusted? However, she tells these other guys who are coming on to her to hit the bricks, huh? That's her version of events, is it? And you believe her? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “I happen to have some swamp land in Georgia that’s worth a fortune if you’d care to talk about it!”

It’s true that Jolene’s Interest Level would go south if you told her she couldn’t go out drinking and carousing with her friends. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The problem you got is that you fell in love with a barfly!”

be the bigger e-mail man When you receive those annoying e-mails from Macho Boy, don’t answer them. Just hit the delete button. You’re not going to play his game, Steph. And don’t mention anything about this crap to Jolene. The more serious issue is this: This jerk is a lurking ex. What did I tell you in my book about ex-boyfriends creeping around in the background? Apparently, you didn’t memorize “The System” like you said you did -- or you skipped over a big part of it! Actually, Macho Boy is helping you. When a guy blasts you, the girl usually goes on the defensive and takes the side of the guy getting blasted or wants to know what all the noise is about. However, I don’t like the fact that Jolene hangs around this guy, and like you said, there’s nothing you can say about it. Again, you’re dealing with a 20-year-old ding-dong who loves bar-hopping with the boys instead of trying to get As in college -- which is what she’s supposed to be doing.

binge drinking is more important If Jolene agrees with this guy about the issue of your proximity to her, you’re dead in the water, pal. This guy will probably get her back or she’ll move on to somebody else. But don’t worry about the ex putting moves on your girl. What you should be concerned with is that you’re going out with a 20-year-old kid who thinks more about binge drinking than getting good grades on her exams. Don’t react to any demands to see Jolene more often. You’re seeing her enough. But you should be worried about her boozing it up because when she’s driving home she might kill somebody or herself. And that’s really a very heavy problem you’re facing here: Your girlfriend’s behind the wheel of a deadly weapon while she’s bombed. I’d say the same thing if she was 40 years young, by the way. The fact that she’s partying with the baseball team is secondary; though I’m sure it’s not something you relish thinking about. Remember, guys: If your girl likes to get drunk with her ex, you shouldn’t be in love with her.

Doc Love: How To Handle A Meddling Ex Hey Doc, Hayley, my girlfriend of four years, broke up with me about a year ago. We were young, I

made some mistakes by not being a Challenge, and her strict Catholic parents didn't approve. I accepted this and, though it was difficult, moved on. Looking back, I realize that Hayley was insecure and a taker, but I was too blind to see it.

i got a new girl now About a half a year later, I started dating my current girlfriend, Meredith. She's great; she's fun, independent, intelligent, giving, down-to-earth, and not to mention smokin' hot. She's just about everything you could ask for in a girl. Doc, I think I might've found a keeper. But now there's a problem. My meddling ex, upon finding out about my new girl, decided the time was right to come back into my life, after months without communication. While I was expecting the classic Relationship Sabotage 101 techniques -- attempting to "just be friends" with me, etc., leave it to my meddling ex to open a whole new can of crazy. She's been harassing Meredith via Instant Messaging and Facebook. She even had the gall to stick her immature entourage on my girl, and now Meredith receives thinly veiled threats from Hayley's friends on a regular basis. They've even started harassing Meredith's friends, who have absolutely nothing to do with this situation.

cat fight tickets for sale I know girls can be catty, but Meredith is growing more uncomfortable with the situation. I've assured her she has nothing to worry about, but I can tell, despite her attempts to hide it, that she feels insecure. She shouldn't have to be subjected to this abuse. Still, it's not serious enough to require drastic measures like legal action. Furthermore, Meredith has instructed me to ignore these people, and I think it's a good idea. But where do I draw the line? Would I be right in asking my meddling ex if she could stop? Would that even work? Mainly, I'm worried that Meredith will somehow associate me with this craziness and decide to ditch me.

Angel - who's living in a nightmare starring a meddling ex

doc love's answer Hi Angel, First of all, your new girlfriend should print all of this crazy, harassing material up because you're going to have to use it -- as evidence. You're going to court, pal. And don't forget to collect the names and addresses of Hayley's entourage because you're also going to take that material to the authorities as well.

she's a vicious vixen

As far as Hayley goes, like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says: "This girl is a full-blown sicko and she's vicious to boot. That's what you call a deadly combination." To measure the extent of her pathology, think of it this way: She dropped you. And when a girl drops a guy, it means that she's not interested in you and doesn't hold any animosity toward you. But not Hayley. This piece of work not only wants to make your new girlfriend's life miserable, she also has her posse pulling wacky stuff. Doc Love continues his lecture on how to handle a meddling ex... I got news for you, dude: Meredith should be growing more uncomfortable with this situation. But you're not quite seeing it because you don't realize the depth of the problem. And that's why you and your girlfriend are going to print up all this evidence and go down to the police department with it and fill out reports. And you're going to ask for a restraining order against your old girlfriend before something really bad happens.

it’s kinda like fatal attraction You're wrong telling Meredith she has nothing to worry about. Don't you ever read the newspapers, buddy? Judging by what's coming into her e-mail box, she has a lot to worry about. Every time she logs onto her computer somebody's threatening her, and you don't consider that something to worry about? What's it going to take, Angel? But Meredith shouldn't be concerned about her position with you. Tell her you like her and that there's no problem there. The real problem is that you've come into the relationship loaded with scars and baggage, which happens to be your psycho ex-girlfriend and her pals.

time to call the feds Of course Meredith shouldn't be subjected to this abuse, which is why we have a legal system in this country. But here is where you're 100% wrong: This miserable situation sure as hell is serious enough to require drastic measures! And if it is not addressed immediately, Meredith's Interest Level in you is going to drop because you’re not defending her. It's time to be chivalrous and protect her from this stupid psycho that you dated for four years. Where do you draw the line? You draw it right here and now. Like my cousin General Love says: "When your ex has her girlfriends harassing your girlfriend, you have a war going on!" I can't imagine how bad these other girls are; they're all a bunch of head cases too. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: "Some people don’t have anything better to do with their time than drive other people crazy."

give me fuel, give me fire Should you ask your ex to stop this harassment? Sure! Just call her up and say: "Honey, would you please stop sending nasty e-mails to my new girlfriend?" I’m sure she'll pay a lot

of attention to that! Angel, all she's going to do when she hears such an anemic plea is double the e-mails to Meredith. Of course that tactic isn't going to work, because you're talking to a certifiable loon. So don't have any contact with your ex. All it does is add fuel to the fire. Finally, you should be very concerned that Meredith is going to "somehow" associate you with this entire mess. And of course she's going to ditch you if things continue this way. Between being harassed by your ex and your not taking action to defend her, Meredith's Interest Level is going to plummet until she's out the door. Remember, guys: When she crosses the line, it's time to go and talk to the cops.

Doc Love: Dating The Same Girl? Hey Doc, First, I would like to thank you for “The System.” I discovered it a month ago, have been applying your principles to my dates and feel that I am better because of it. I can already tell that you are saving me time, money and headaches that I would have foolishly brought upon myself before using it. I have much to learn and memorize still, but I can already see the changes.

online dating I primarily use the internet to find dates. I found Shauntelle’s profile online and tried to set up a coffee date. She claimed to be busy, but counter-offered, so I took the counteroffer. She seemed eager and showed up five minutes before our scheduled time. When we approached the counter I let her order first, and then ordered my drink. We both reached for our wallets -which I know is a red flag if she had pushed paying for herself -- but when I handed the clerk my credit card Shauntelle politely thanked me for paying. We had a good time and laughed a lot. Then she asked me: “What do you like to do in your spare time?” Doc, I’m a pretty boring guy really, but I knew not to be negative, so I told her that I liked to search for buried pirate treasures. I mentioned that I do this by playing something called “geocaching.” (By the way, this is a high-tech, treasure-hunting game played by adventure-seekers equipped with electronic devices.) She laughed and said that she had just been treasure hunting for the first time a few weeks ago and had a great time.

dating your friend’s girl? This struck me immediately. I remembered that my friend Bill also uses the same website to find dates and had taken one of his dates treasure hunting. I put two and two together and

realized that this was the same girl he had been taking out for a few weeks. However, I didn’t mention anything about my friend Bill to Shauntelle. My question is this: I am 95% sure that this girl is also dating my friend. Should I make any mention of him to her, or of her to him? The fact that Shauntelle is dating around leads me to believe that her Interest Level in him is not super high, and as he does not use “The System,” I know that he may not hold her interest long anyway. This is an unusual situation and I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding the fact that I am also dating Shauntelle from my friend, though he may not need to know anyway. Zip - who is a Spartan in training Doc Love handles Zip's question about dating the same girl as your friend -- you don't want to miss it...

doc love's answer Hi Zip, First of all, thanks for the compliments on my techniques. You will find that they have a positive effect on every phase of your life, from dating to business. In fact, my methods are transformative. Can you imagine how much less trouble men would have with women if every guy out there followed my philosophy? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, the world would be a better place.”

watching for red flags And because of my coaching, you certainly started out on the right foot, Zip. You knew from reading my book that you should take Shauntelle up on her counteroffer when she couldn’t accept your suggestion for a first date, and of course it was great that she showed up early. But more importantly, this shows you not only read my book but internalized it as well. You might have blown your opportunity with Shauntelle had you not been armed with the correct tactic beforehand. And watching for how Shauntelle was going to handle the bill at Starbucks demonstrates that after reading my book you have an eye for those big Red Flags. Congratulations to you, guy. Keep up the good work. It was very smart that you didn’t mention anything to Shauntelle about dating your friend while you were at Starbucks because you’re not 100% sure that Bill is actually dating her. This is just a guess on your part because you have no proof of anything. You didn’t have a camera following this woman around, did you? I don’t care whether this girl is dating your friend or not because at this point it’s not an issue. And remember, like my cousin General Love says: “All’s fair in love and war, soldier!”

mum’s the word Should you mention these two to each other? Absolutely not. Again, what’s the point, Zip? Even if your friend Bill is finished with Shauntelle, even if she has no interest whatsoever in him, he’s going to say he still likes her. This will only bum you out, so keep your mouth shut. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Being a witness to your buddy’s pain ain’t gonna help you at all.” That said, knowing that Bill will probably not hold Shauntelle’s interest for long -- if indeed they’re dating in the first place -- is an excellent observation on your part. Most guys wouldn’t pick up on something like that, but you did because you’ve massively increased your IQ when it comes to women by investing in “The System.” By learning the principles in my book, you’re now able to think like a love cop on Love And Order and make observations that mean something instead of projecting only what you want to see. Ninety percent of the men out there would be clueless in your situation.

spare the drama Dude, the truth is that it’s really none of your friend’s business if you’re seeing Shauntelle. Like I said earlier, you’re not 100% sure that it’s him who she’s going out with anyway, remember? So why make an issue out of nothing? Let Bill come to you if he has a problem. Loyalty is not an issue when you don’t even know for sure that there’s anything to be concerned about. Remember, guys: When you start dating a babe, don’t go looking for complications.

Doc Love: Can You Trust Her? Hey Doc, Jillian, my girlfriend of 14 months, and I went out for some drinks after work a few weeks ago. She got to the bar before I did. When I walked in I saw her sitting “too close for comfort” to this other guy. I didn’t say anything -- my facial expression said it all. A while later I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I returned (Jillian and the guy didn’t see me coming) I saw her leaning into his ear and whispering. Now I was really pissed off. When we got outside, I asked Jillian what that was all about and, of course, her reply was “Oh, it was nothing.”

forgive and forget?

Doc, this is not the first time a situation like this has happened, but I’ve tried very hard to forgive and forget. Two days later I checked her phone and there were texts between her and this guy talking about a meeting when he gets off work for drinks. Jillian didn’t know that I saw the messages, so I asked her very calmly and respectfully if she had been communicating with any males other than myself in the past month. Of course, she lied straight through her teeth and said no. I let her know that I was aware of the text conversations between her and the guy. She said nothing and just sat there with that “Oh my God, what else does he know about?” look on her face. Now, if the tables were turned, Jillian would have busted the windows out of my car. Doc, does this sound like a trustworthy woman to you? Do you think it’s safe to assume that displaying actions like these indicates that Jillian has in fact cheated on me already? Jig - who needs outside confirmation

doc love's answer Hi Jig, Let me tell you something. When Jillian told you it was “nothing” that she was practically sitting in this other guy’s lap, you should have known immediately that you have a woman you can’t possibly trust. I’m sure you don’t own my course materials, because if you had memorized them you would have recognized the smaller red flags this woman was sending up three to six months ago. To you Psych majors: The woman’s Interest Level doesn’t drop from 95% to 45% overnight. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, this deceit was a long time in the making.”

getting too comfortable But here’s the bigger problem, Jig. You already had 14 months in with this babe. What happens when a guy gets some time in with a woman is that he gets complacent. He gets all settled in way too soon. He stops dating his girl as much as he should. He starts to hang out way too much. He forgets to shave and wash his hair when he goes to pick her up. He doesn’t dress up like he used to. You get the picture, right? And all of these factors slowly push her Interest Level south, and when it gets all the way down into the 50s and the 40s, you’re on the way out. You know what else happens? She starts lining up a new guy -- and that’s a fact. The point is this: Jillian didn’t put in 14 months with you, and have 95% Interest Level in you, and all of a sudden she just happened to see this guy at the bar. You don’t forgive and forget in this case, my friend. You can forgive, but you can never forget. What you do instead of forgetting someone who is pulling the wool over your eyes is get rid of her. Can Jig trust Jillian? Doc Love's answer continues after the jump...

once a liar, always... So, now Jillian and this dude are going to meet at a bar for drinks? Don’t worry, Jig. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Maybe they’ll be discreet and take their martinis out to the car and drink where no one can see them.” She lied straight through her teeth about communicating with another man? Like my cousin General Love says: “Well, soldier, so much for honesty and loyalty!” Why did you let Jillian know you found her text messages? Big mistake, Jig! Like all women, all she’s going to do is be self-righteous and accuse you of being a sneak behind her back. You should have just said that one magic word to her: “Goodbye!” But you didn’t. You’re still hanging around waiting when you already know the truth. What else is there to know, buddy? Of course Jillian would have busted the windows out of your car. Women have the right to do anything in our society, and men don’t. That’s another fact. Does Jillian sound trustworthy to me? Well, let’s put it this way: On her report card, I’d give her an “F” in the trust class. But whether or not she’s cheated on you physically is completely irrelevant. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Treachery and infidelity don’t start with the body. They start between the ears.”

she was never that into you That said, this girl is definitely having a great time with the new guy she meets in the bars all over town. But again, Jig, the thing that you’re not looking at is that she had to fall out of love with you way before she started this little fling of hers. Or, in the worst-case scenario, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She never dug you that much in the first place, and she was just keeping you around until she found someone who really rang her chimes.” My guess, though, is that at one time you really did own this girl. And like 90% of American males, you can get a woman to fall in love with you but you don’t know how to keep her in love with you. And that’s where your failure to purchase and memorize my materials has had devastating consequences, guy. Think of all the wasted time and energy you’ve invested, and the pain and sorrow you’re suffering by not knowing what to do. Isn’t that realization enough to make you act right now? Remember, guys: With “The System” you will be able to read women a lot sooner.

Doc Love: What Her Busy Schedule Means

Hey Doc, Lana and I are both 30. She’s kind, educated, employed, athletic, intelligent, and beautiful. During the past two weeks we’ve seen each other a handful of times. We went on a longdistance bike ride (we’re both competitive cyclists), and during the ride she told me that she is interested in marriage, but that her last relationship did not work out because the guy was not long-term material. I took this to mean that he was not financially solvent. I let her do the talking and kept the details of my life private. As a lawyer who runs his own practice, I have a flexible work schedule and I keep a busy social calendar and maintain a strict workout routine. When I mentioned to Lana that I attend the early cycling class at the gym a few days each week, she said that she wanted to “try to squeeze it into her busy, busy schedule” and then showed up at the next class. Afterward, we had coffee and she said that she wanted to turn over a new leaf and make the class part of her daily routine. Later, I saw her at a friend’s party and we ended up dancing and having some alone time on the front porch -- so far, so good.

she has too much going on Via text and e-mail, Lana seems very interested in hanging out. She mentioned an open-air theater where old films were played and asked me to pick one for a picnic and date. I did, and she said that she would “pencil the date in to her always-packed schedule.” I sent an e-mail asking what time I should pick her up. This was her reply: “I hope you're having a great week. I just found out that a good friend is moving to San Diego later this week. Mutual friends are planning to have dinner and drinks with him. Can we reschedule the theater? Sorry for the short notice and change of plans, but I didn't realize he was going so soon, and I want to see him before he leaves.” Then she went into how unbelievably busy she is. But we agreed to go to the cycling class in the meantime, and I told her that she could meet me at a certain bar I go to if she wanted to after she saw her friend off. I have two questions: First, I don’t want to spoil Lana’s interest in me by making myself too available. Am I revealing too much of my own whereabouts to Lana? Second, I’m a little put off that she canceled our date. Have I miscalculated her Interest Level? From her Facebook page, I see that she often has to reschedule with even her closest friends. Should I just accept scheduling conflicts with a busy professional? Legs - who’s struggling to stay on top of it

doc love's answer

Hi Legs, You’re pointing out all the great things Lana is, but you’re not telling me how much she likes you; or how many buying signals she’s given you; or how she can’t keep her hands off you. And that’s what counts, not that she’s educated and kind and all the rest of it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “So she pats dogs on the head -- who cares?” When you say you saw Lana a handful of times over the past 14 days, what does that actually mean? Do you mean you saw her three or four or five times? If you were using my course materials, you would know that you should have only seen this girl once or twice in that period of time. I can tell you’re not using my principles because you would have kept yourself in check and exercised Self Control if you were.

always ask for specifics You should have asked Lana what she meant when she said her ex was not long-term material. Was there something in his personality or his character that she didn’t care for, or was it the fact that he never had a job? You don’t have a clue what she meant, guy. You’re only guessing when you assume that the guy’s portfolio was nonexistent. When you run into a situation like this, get the woman to be specific, and don’t accept a gray answer. Pin it down. Get it in black and white. It was good that you let her do all the yakking, however. There's more to her busy schedule than you might think...

teammate or girlfriend? You should never have told Lana about your cycling class. Do you want to be this girl’s teammate, or do you want to date her? And if you’re going to date her, you shouldn’t be meeting her at a gym to hang out. So this was a huge mistake, dude. When she talked about her “busy, busy schedule,” it was a major hint that she either has low Interest Level in you or she’s highly disorganized. This is something you should have picked up right off the bat, Legs. Now, when Lana talked about turning over a new leaf, was she talking about you? Or was she indirectly saying that she wants you to be her cycling buddy and not date her? Whatever the answer, it’s another reason for not having her join you at the gym. You shouldn’t be texting and e-mailing any babe you’re trying to date. You use the phone to get the date and that’s it. Then you need to see her face-to-face so you can read her body language. It’s the only way you can know where she’s really coming from. And you shouldn’t be “hanging out” with the woman either. You hang out with your friends. You date a woman you’re interested in.

disorganized or disinterested? When the movie date came up, again you heard about Lana’s “always packed schedule.” And like I said before, when her schedule is that packed, it means she’s highly disorganized. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Even if she’s scatterbrained, she still swoons over Johnny Depp, doesn’t she?” After she dodged you to see her friend off to San Diego, you should have said to her: “Sure, we’ll make it some other time,” and then tossed her number into the toilet and watched it swirl away. But she did want to see you for cycling at the gym, so now you’re back to being her workout pal rather than her potential boyfriend. With every new development you drop a little further down the ladder with this girl, don’t you, Legs? And you’re desperate for this babe’s attention, whether or not you want to admit it. That’s why you suggested she meet you at your favorite bar, which was a “definite maybe” date, and that’s a no-no if you’ve memorized “The System.” Worse, you’re also “stacking” dates, which means you’re dumping something on top of another thing that might go awry. This weakens your position with this woman even more. She can’t respect you because you don’t respect your own time if you’re telling her that you’re going to be sitting at a bar waiting for her to show up -- maybe. To you Psych majors, if it’s not 100% certain, don’t do it. And you’re doing all this on top of a broken date? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Wow, man, you really are hard up!”

it's you, not her You certainly have made yourself too available with this whole biking fiasco. Lana knows your schedule at the gym, so she knows exactly where to find you. And yes, you have miscalculated her Interest Level. It’s only 10%, and you thought it was 80%. The reason she has to reschedule with her friends is because she’s not a together person. And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “A disorganized woman will drive you nuts.” Should you just go along with her scheduling conflicts? No, because she’ll just continue to lose respect for you. What really bothers me here is that Lana broke a date with you in order to hang out with some remote acquaintance who’s leaving town. What she’s saying is that this friend is more important than you -- somebody who’s actually trying to date her. What does that tell you, pal? Remember, guys: If she keeps complaining about how busy she is, it means she’s not interested in you.

Doc Love: When You're Stuck On Her Hey Doc, I am a dedicated follower of “The System.” I even have your advanced dating techniques series and have been marketing this stuff to my friends here in Egypt. My success with women has more than tripled over the past couple of years as a result.

she was full of drama early on Everything was going really well until that fateful day when I met Skyler. She lives two hours from me, and we’ve been dating for around three months. Initially, she had an extremely high Interest Level in me because I was a Challenge and never gave her what she wanted. I was indifferent to any drama she tried to create, which drove her over the edge. She tossed a few curveballs my way, but I’d always back off whenever she threw any sort of tantrum. She’d always apologize later for whatever she did. Two weeks ago, Skyler traveled to Europe for 10 days. Before she left she told me she was falling for me; I told her I also felt something. Let me add that she was always saying things such as “I miss you” and “I really like your character” and “I like the way you deal with things.” When she was gone, she texted me saying she missed me and wanted to be with me, to which I’d respond with a smile or something extremely funny.

digital argument A few days into her trip she got upset because I hadn’t called her. We got into an argument online and she said I didn’t care about her because I don’t make the effort. I didn’t want to argue and she said she didn’t have time to stay online; I was upset that she would leave like that, and I let her know it. The next day we worked everything out over the phone (because I’m stuck on her), and she said she really missed me, needed me and that she couldn’t wait to see me when she got back. But a of couple days later she told me she had kissed someone when she was out on the town. I told her this didn’t work for me and that I needed time to think about things. I told her I was considering walking away because she took the risk of losing me by kissing someone else. Of course, she gave me the “it meant nothing” speech.

the inconvenient truth I didn’t speak to Skyler for a few days or reply to her constant “I miss you and feel like crap for what I did” texts. She called to say she was sorry, and I told her it was up to her to make the effort to get me back. She said she would come see me over the weekend. Well, the weekend is here and she’s trying to get me to go see her because it’s inconvenient for her to

come to me as she has no place to stay and does not want to spend money on a hotel. So far I’ve stood my ground. She said that she felt bad for letting me down and that I have the right to end the relationship. Our reader, who’s stuck on her, gets advice from Doc Love next… Doc, is it over? Should I have gone to see her? I have never felt like this about any woman; I’m stuck on her. I am usually a short-term kind of guy. I am in and out quickly and I always leave first. It’s different with Skyler and I wanted it to be long-term. I am confused and terribly upset. Abdul - who’s still stuck on her

doc love’s answer Hi Abdul, Let me ask you a question: When Skyler would come back to you and apologize for what she did, did you ever tell her to get lost for a week or 10 days? And if not, why didn’t you do this? Because what’s happening here is that she apologizes for her outrageous behavior and then everything is forgotten. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “When you rob a bank, the judge doesn’t say: ‘well, just don’t do it again,’ does he?” No, you have to go to prison. So where’s Skyler’s punishment? You should have told her: “Get back to me in 10 days and maybe we’ll go out.” Because as it is now, she knows she can just apologize whenever she throws a hissy fit and she’s right back in with no penalty. And one more thing: You’re overlooking a huge red flag here -- this girl is a drama queen who throws fits. Do you really want to live with that kind of turmoil for the rest of your life?

i want action tonight Why did you tell this girl you felt something for her? Are you sure you read my course materials? You shouldn’t tell her anything. You tell me that you’re a dedicated follower of my principles, but then you go and reveal yourself. If you’ve studied my course, you would know that you never come on heavily verbally. You communicate through your actions how you feel. So why are you yapping about your feelings, pal? Skyler should be telling you all kinds of great stuff about yourself. It shows her Interest Level is high. However, that doesn’t mean you have to come back and say I miss you and, thereby, kill Challenge. But it’s good you respond with something funny when she says she misses you. It shows you’re doing something right.

men are silent creatures

But you’re not doing enough right. You shouldn’t have let this girl know you were upset with her. You should have just dropped her. Or, tell her that if she ever decides to stop acting like a baby to give you a call in 30 days. Then she won’t call and you’ll be out. Now, let me get this straight: Skyler went on the attack and the very next day you forgave her just like that? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Why wasn’t she put on probation?” When she did that, you shouldn’t have seen her for two or three weeks -- minimum. The only way you’re going to break this babe’s bad habits is by staying away from her. To you Psych majors: If you just accept “Sorry!” every time she does something wrong, she’ll never change her bad behavior. Doc Love continues advising Abdul after the jump… When Skyler told you she kissed another guy, you should have just listened and said: “Oh, that’s cool. And by the way, do me a big favor -- forget my name and forget my phone number.” And that should have been the end of it. When she pulls something like that, there can be no more talking, no more reasoning, no more going back and forth. She kissed another guy -- that’s all you need to know. This woman is not loyal. Loyalty is the No. 1 character trait you need in a woman. And if kissing this other dude meant nothing, how come she did it?

the problem with 90% of men When Skyler sent you all those texts about how lousy she felt for betraying you, you should have said: “Honey, go find a new boyfriend.” You don’t want her back, guy. She’s not trueblue loyal, don’t you get it? The problem with 90% of you guys is that every time a girl does something wrong, you resort to rationalization. You practically cry out: “Honey, I know you didn’t really mean it! Oh, please take me back!” The question of who visits whom in this situation is not an issue. This girl is out. She’s gone. She's not into you. Like my cousin General Love says: “After you’ve been cheated on there’s no point in sitting down at the negotiation table and doing things right.” She’s been going out with you for three months and she kissed another man. And how do you know that’s all she did?

kick her to the curb When a girl tells you that you have a right to end the relationship, it means you’re history. Because she’s really telling you that she’s burned out. No, don’t go and see Skyler. I know how wildly in love with her you are, my friend, but the man’s Interest Level means nothing -it never does. All we care about is her Interest Level and her loyalty. Skyler’s not faithful, so she’s out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Hasta la vista, baby!” You might think you leave girls first, Abdul, but you didn’t do it this time did you? When it

counted, you wimped out. Sure, it’s different with Skyler. It’s always different when your Interest Level is in the 80s and 90s. Remember, guys: Once she shows she’s not loyal, she’s out.

Doc Love: Dating Other People Hey Doc, Well, I’m really hoping that you can help me out. I’ve been in a relationship with Cameron for over four years now. We got engaged three years ago but we were nervous and afraid to try to plan the wedding. Now it seems like we’ve both developed a fear of getting stuck. I often fantasize about doing things with other girls, and Cameron fantasizes about other men. She was overweight for her entire adolescence and now she has lost all of the weight, which gives her a chance to have some fun with other guys. To make the situation more complex, we met right after she and I got out of awful relationships. Recently, she kissed her old boyfriend when she visited her hometown and that hurt me a lot.

new relationship rules We made up and have now moved to a different state. However, things have changed a lot. We had a long talk recently and Cameron decided that it would be best for us to be able to flirt with and date others, but with rules because she says she loves me too much to lose me -and I feel the same way. Our main problem is that we have no friends to speak with; this new arrangement began with us looking for new friends in our new state because we only have each other, which has added to our feeling of being stuck. So now we’re going to be meeting new people and going to bars, having our own alone time and we can kiss, hold and touch others but we just can’t get really physically close with these other people, if you catch my drift. Doc, I feel strange about this whole thing, but I’m eager to try anything to make the situation better if possible. Cameron tells me that she never really had enough time to experience other things in life and that she doesn’t want to feel like she’s part of an old married couple -- and in some ways I don’t either. I’m 26 and Cameron is 24, and we don’t want to be married yet. But I’m conflicted and confused. Is it OK that we’re trying this new thing out and dating other people? Or, is it a sign that things will implode in the near-term? Please coach me. I feel very odd about this. Zack - who is afraid of what might happen if he and his girlfriend start dating other people

doc love's answer Hi Zack, Let me get this straight. You’ve been with a girl for four years and engaged for three of them, and you’re still nervous about getting married? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If you’re so nervous, you shouldn’t even be engaged.” And if you shouldn’t be engaged after being with someone for four years, you have a problem with someone’s Interest Level -yours, Cameron’s or both!

ready to settle down? When both of you are doing all kinds of fantasizing about going out with other people, it means neither of you are ready to settle down. Because when you settle down, that’s it. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Marriage is one guy and one woman -- nobody else, because there isn’t room for anyone else.” That’s the rule, otherwise you don’t settle down. Now look at the situation you’re in. You have a girl you’ve been engaged to for three years, whom for one reason or another doesn’t want to set a date, she’s kissing her ex-boyfriend and she wants to find a bunch of new boyfriends to date. And you wonder why you have problems? I know you made up with her over the fact that she betrayed you by kissing her ex, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “All guys suck up when they get kicked in the guts. And you sucked up because you didn’t have the guts to get rid of her.” But heck, I’m sure that Cameron doesn’t want to lose you. She doesn’t want to lose you so much that she wants to go out with other men! Zack, two and two are not adding up to five here! You might not want to lose each other, but you cannot have it both ways -- it has to be one or the other. Doc Love continues to explain why dating other people will not work for Zack...

fear of commitment Your problem isn’t that you don’t have friends, Zack. Your main problem is that you’ve been going out with a girl for three years that you’re engaged to and neither one of you can commit to marriage. And that means that there is a huge problem with one of the Interest Levels, yours, hers or both, like I said before. But Cameron and you both insist you need new friends. Now let’s take a look at how you’ve gone about arranging this. Since you two are new in town and don’t have any friends, you want to go out and date as many other people as possible, but it means nothing. Oh, now I have it -- that’s perfectly rational.

What’s so fascinating about this new setup is that you think that any new guy Cameron starts dating is going to go along with these rules. You think she’s going to be making out with some stranger and all of a sudden she’s going to say: “Oops! Time to stop now! I’m really in love with Zack!” And the guy is going to back right off and say: “Oh sure, honey! No problem! I completely understand!” Are you sure you two aren’t smoking way too much dope?

it’s you, not her Dude, you don’t really want to make this mess better like you say you do. You want to kiss up to Cameron and go along with her program. And her problem isn’t being stuck or wanting to meet new friends -- her problem is that she has low interest level in you. That is really your problem if you give it two seconds’ worth of thought. The solution to your problem is really very simple. If you don’t want to feel like an old married couple, why don’t you and Cameron break up for a couple of years, go and date other people, and then get back together again? Because what you two are planning to do makes no sense. You’ve been engaged for three years but you don’t want to be married. So why did you get engaged? Hello? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “That’s called simple deductive reasoning.” Trying this new arrangement out is a complete waste of time, Zack. Like my cousin General Love says: “In case you haven’t noticed, soldier, things have already imploded.” Cameron wants to see other guys. She’s kissing ex-boyfriends. You’ve got problems -- big problems. Not with being new in town or being stuck, but with your girlfriend. Because she doesn’t know the first thing about Loyalty. Remember, guys: If she wants to flirt with other men, it’s time for you to make your exit.

Doc Love: Low Interest Level Hey Doc, I’m a heartbroken dumbass. Here’s my sad story: Carmen and I hit it off like crazy right away. We started dating a couple of times a week, went on a trip to Costa Rica (she was a travel agent) and within six weeks she was telling me that she loved me. At the time, she was depressed due to her parents’ divorce, and she was on meds and seeing a therapist (which I didn’t know). To me, she was just cute and fun. I wasn’t sure how I felt for the first few months, so, I just let her keep chasing me. I never once mentioned the “love” word back. As per your advice, I kept things light and fun. It was

amazing how much she adored and chased me, and followed my lead. We had six months of great experiences, traveling the world and having a good time. Then, one night, after we were out drinking (she was kind of a barfly), Carmen came to me and asked if I wanted to date other people because she said that sometimes it seemed like I did. So I said to her, “Do you?” and she said in an almost exasperated tone: “No -- I love you!” I realized at that moment that I loved her too and said so -- and we agreed to be exclusive. The next week she turned 30 and I sent her flowers. She loved it.

not trying anymore The week after that, her job tanked and she sank into a really deep depression. She started taking lots of Prozac and she was stressed out all of the time. Suddenly, she stopped flirting with me through e-mail, which we had done every day. I felt her pulling away and I thought it was because of her depression. I tried talking to her and telling her to communicate if there was anything we needed to work on, but she didn’t say much. The truth is that she’s not much of a communicator. I just felt something was off. A couple of weeks later, when I asked her again what was going on, she said: “I don’t have to try anymore because I know you’re already interested.” I was shocked; I realized this was bad, bad, bad, but I didn’t know what to do. In short, I think that Carmen chased me because I was a Challenge. Once she knew for sure how I felt, she stopped trying. On top of that, I became too available and passive. Thus, her Interest Level dribbled away. A couple of months later, after 10 months together, she told me out of the blue: “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

she’s moving on, i'm not This began many months of me hanging around trying to “re-attract” Carmen. She kept calling me, hanging on to me and not wanting to let go, but she was dating other people -about 12 or 13 guys. She kept acting like we were going to get back together. I was in full rejection/wuss mode, so nothing got better and she never did want to come back to me, of course. Finally, I went into no-contact mode to try and heal. During this time, a friend of hers set her up with a guy who is the CEO of his own company in San Francisco. After four weeks of flying up there to see him, he asked her to move into his house. She quit her job and left her life in L.A. behind and she’s now up there living with this dude -- happily ever after, I suppose. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I know I screwed up. What should I have done to avoid this fate, so that the next time I won’t repeat the same mistakes? Sol - who’s still crying over her

doc love's answer Hi Sol, Let me tell you something, my friend: Everybody hits it off on the first date. Because the first date is the best date. So, this is nothing unusual. But as the old Chinese proverb goes: “From there on, it’s all downhill, grasshopper!”

missing the red flags Now, I hope you and this babe went to Costa Rica after you dated for at least six months. Otherwise you’re coming on too heavy and too fast. This is a big no-no if you’ve read my materials. But you didn’t take it slow, did you, Sol? I know you didn’t really take it slow because you were blindsided by the fact that Carmen was seeing a shrink and taking pills to straighten her head out. These are huge red flags, but you didn’t see them because you plunged in with this girl way too fast, even if you think you were going slowly. Like my cousin General Love says: “On the battlefield, you can never be cautious enough.” However, before you lost control of yourself, you played it perfectly by being a Challenge to Carmen. This is what you should do for the next 40 years when you’re married. Continue to let her chase you, even though she’s your wife. And by the way, I can certainly see why you’d want to hold onto Carmen. She’s a barfly who lives on pills and is seeing a shrink. She sounds absolutely fantastic! Doc Love continues to break down Carmen's low Interest Level next... The next huge red flag you missed was when Carmen asked you if you wanted to see other people. To you Psych majors, this is called projection. Seeing other people is what she’s thinking, Sol. Seeing other people never entered your mind because you were happy with her. Right here, you should have figured out that you were going down. At this point, you should have backed off and gone back to dating Carmen once a week, and hoped to God you could have brought her Interest Level back up. When a babe mentions anything about dating other people, her Interest Level is 51%. However, she still went ahead and said, “I love you,” which in Womanese means: “You’re on the way out!” And that’s when you cracked, dude. Here you have a woman with 51% Interest Level and you’re telling her you love her in hopes of driving her Interest Level up. Saying “I love you” does not raise Interest Level. It achieves exactly the opposite.

her Interest Level is dropping You shouldn’t have been e-mailing Carmen to begin with because it kills Challenge. She wasn’t pulling away from you because of her depression over her parents’ divorce and her job tanking. Her Interest Level was in the 50s and it was ready to go into the 40s. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The reason this girl was so depressed is because she wanted to get

away from you and she hadn’t figured out how to do it yet.” Women don’t know how to communicate in a conventional way when it comes to love. They don’t know how to say: “My Interest Level used to be 95%, but now it’s only 51%; next week it’s going to be 49% and you’re going to be out.” They don’t know how to say: “Back off so my Interest Level can go back up.” If you had my program memorized, when Carmen’s Interest Level went from 95% to 85%, you would have known enough to back off and it would have shot back up to 95%. However, when it’s 95% and drops to 51%, it doesn’t shoot back up fast, if at all. You have a long way to go and a lot of work to do to get it back into the 90s. Sol, what you didn’t understand was that Carmen was communicating with you. She didn’t verbalize her feelings, but you should have read her body language and the way she reacted to you -- in that sense she was a great communicator. But you were looking for verbiage.

don’t say “I love you” When Carmen told you she didn’t have to try anymore because she knew you were interested, you were finished. She was telling you that you were boring and predictable. That’s why you never say “I love you” to a woman. Not saying it gives her something to chase, even after marriage and six kids. Your problem is that you only read my book once or twice. You didn’t read it 15 times and memorize it, otherwise you would have seen all of this coming. Most guys think: “Oh, I’m just going to be myself and everything’s going to work out fine.” But it doesn’t work that way. What’s really sad is that you had my program and could have prevented what ultimately happened. Sol, you wasted 10 months of your life -- 10 months when you spent all kinds of money and could have hustled other women’s phone numbers. And again, you had “The System,” so you had no excuses. Once Interest Level hits 49%, there’s no “re-attracting” anything. You’re out forever -- gone. She was dating 12 or 13 guys? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You better hope that’s all there were.” The yo-yo she had you on is what happens when Interest Level is between 40% and 49%, and she’s handing you what’s called false hope. It’s a complete waste of time and energy. You should have gone into no-contact mode six months earlier. Like most losers, you went into that mode too late. What should you do to prevent a beating like this in the future? Read my book 15 times. Remember, guys: Most men can get a woman to fall in love, but they can’t keep her in love.

Doc Love: Know When To Back Off Hey Doc, I need some coaching. Things were going great with Crystal. She was asking for dates and even introduced me to her parents, but then something happened. Just before she left for a two-week trip to China, she was feeling very stressed. I asked her, stupidly, if she was upset over our relationship and she said no. However, she said that she was overwhelmed and felt like we were taking love to fast -- things were moving from “I” to “we” too quickly.

when to back off I backed off. I got two e-mails from China, including a request for a date immediately upon her return. We had three dates after that, all at her request. She was sick during one of them and I offered to bring her some crackers and movies, and she let me. But, then she broke up with me. She came to my house and was in tears nearly the entire time. She said she doesn’t feel like she knows me after three months and feels like something is missing. I said: “You told me you were overwhelmed so I backed off. That’s why you haven’t met my friends.” What should I do? Did I back off too much when she said she was overwhelmed? Did I just overreact to her girl drama? Any chance of getting her back? Of course, I only want a girl who wants me, but this girl and I have a lot in common and I really enjoy her. Plus, I have a thing for redheads. I’ve owned “The System” for over a year, however, it’s hard to be perfect with it. I know confusion and mixed signals mean Low Interest, but I also know Crystal did all of our date requests and planning, she wanted me to meet her parents and she came to my house to break it off with me and spent an hour or so in tears. This girl definitely liked me. Please help me. Zev - who doesn’t know how he screwed up

doc love’s answer Hi Zev, It’s very good that a girl is asking you out on dates, but you shouldn’t be stacking dates, pal. You’re not going to accept a date for Monday, Wednesday and Thursday all at the same time. There’s no faster way to murder Challenge than by being available every night of the week. And let the girl ask you for dates, but there shouldn’t be any conversation between the dates.

who is in control? Crystal’s scheduling the dates and so she thinks she’s in control. However, you’re actually in control here because you have “The System” and you understand that women with a high Interest Level chase men for dates. However, when Crystal said that there was nothing wrong with your relationship except that you were going from “I” to “we” too quickly, she contradicted herself, and that means you’re not getting the straight truth. When a girl says she’s stressed, that means her Interest Level is on the way down. And remember: Only you can raise or lower her Interest Level. A trip to China has no effect on her Interest Level whatsoever, the same way that her mother being sick has no effect on her Interest Level either. To you Psych majors: What these girls do is camouflage their low Interest Level by telling you that the problem is something else. When Crystal asked you for a date from China, you should have told her that you were confused right now and that you needed time to think -- because you’re on the way out and it would have been a chance to restart Challenge. Instead, you gave Challenge no chance whatsoever to reignite. You took all three dates with Crystal. The problem was that at the same time you were seeing her, her Interest Level was slipping from 49% to 47% to 43%. And when it gets to 39%, you’re out. She got sick during one of those dates because she was very uncomfortable trying to figure out how to get rid of you. Do you know when to back off? Learn to read the warning signs next...

read the signs Of course Crystal broke up with you because her Interest Level hit 39%. Women don’t leave when their Interest Level is 49% like men do. But Zev, what you didn’t grasp was that while she was talking about being stressed before her overseas trip, you were on the way out then. You missed a huge red flag when you failed to read the signs. Do you know why Crystal was in tears when she was dumping you? Because she knew that it would hurt your feelings and she felt bad. But, she still dropped you, didn’t she? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She might have felt a little guilty lowering the broom on you, but she has a very forgiving nature.” Of course something was missing for Crystal: a high Interest Level! You might have backed off when she claimed to be overwhelmed, but you should have backed off a lot sooner. What should you do? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s only one thing you can do when she gives you your walking papers: find another girlfriend.” Face it, Zev, this girl is history. You didn’t back off soon enough. You made all kinds of mistakes to lower her Interest Level. At one time this girl liked you. Now she doesn’t because her Interest Level plummeted. End of story.

second chances? You got no chance whatsoever of getting this girl back. And you don’t have anything in common with her, either. Because if you only wanted a girl who wanted you, you would be dropping her right now and I wouldn’t be trying to talk you into it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You might have a thing for redheads, boy, but the redhead ain’t got a thing for you.” All you’re talking about is your interest in Crystal, and that’s a given. But hers is the only one that’s important. What all this tells me is that you might have owned my materials for a year, but you haven’t memorized them because you wouldn’t be in this mess if you had. My materials are a tool. However, unless you master the tool, you’re going to lose the girl. Of course it’s hard to be perfect with it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You think just because he’s good, Kobe doesn’t practice?” You have to study harder, my friend. So what if Crystal came to your house to break it off with you? It wouldn’t matter if she dumped you at a restaurant, by e-mail or on the top of Mount Everest -- it’s the same difference. No matter which way she did it, you’re still out. Remember, guys: Until “The System” is memorized, you’re not going to make it with women.

Doc Love: When She Needs Time To Think Hey Doc, I’m an avid reader of your columns. I’m 40 and divorced with no children. I met Gia online. She’s 38, divorced, and has no children. After a couple of e-mails, I asked for her number and she gave it to me. By the fourth date we got very romantic. After a month, we began to speak more often (two to three times per week) and saw each other twice, sometimes three times, per week. After a month, she surprised me with a nice birthday gift: a steak dinner and Yankees tickets. Then she went to Australia on a group tour she purchased before we met. She was gone for two weeks and that’s when I realized I wanted to be with her and only her. I took myself off the dating site, without announcing it to her. When she returned, she asked me how the site treated me while she was away. I said: “I wouldn’t know, I took myself off after you left.” She said: “That’s funny, I took myself off before I left.” She told me she did it because she didn’t want to meet anyone else and that she was very happy with me. We began to speak and see each other even more often.

her infidelity shone through After two months together, I told her that I was in love with her. She immediately replied: “I love you, too.” One Sunday morning we told each other about relationships we both had that ended when we met. I was with a woman who didn’t want to have children. Gia was in a similar situation, but the man she was with was married. I was taken aback, because I didn’t picture her with a married man. We both admitted that the other people were still pursuing us, but there was no need to worry -- we were fully committed to each other and didn’t want to be with anyone else. It was never mentioned again. During this time, Gia was in the process of trying to buy a house. She was very nervous about it. Suddenly, I began to sense a distance that was unlike her. Then she admitted there was something else: Her ex, the married guy, was pursuing her hard. She said she didn’t know what was right for her at this point and asked for a couple of days to figure it out. I told her to do what she had to do, but that I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t 100% with me.

she wasn't an actor, or so she says A week later she called to tell me she couldn’t give me 100% right now. She said that she needed to be alone to figure out what she wanted. I told her that she should have told me sooner before feelings got to where they were. She said that she meant everything she said, did and felt toward me and that she’s not an actor. At that point, I ended the conversation. I have not contacted Gia and will not contact her under any circumstance. I went back on the dating site and am trying to move on, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what happened, and I’m still pretty broken up about it. Any insights, Doc? Heff - who never saw it coming

doc love's answer Hi Heff, Let me get this straight: You’re an avid reader of my column, but you don’t own “The System.” And now you’re going to tell me about a woman you’re in love with who you can’t handle. Dude, without “The System” you’re not going to make it. This is what I find ironic about so many of you guys. You read my column, but you don’t go and acquire the key to the kingdom itself. You shouldn’t get very romantic with a woman in just a couple of weeks. You have to go in slowly. When you go in fast, you’re playing with fire and you’re going to get dumped before you know what hit you. This is the biggest mistake men make. They rush. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “What’s sad is that they rush right into rejection.”

slow and steady wins the race Another mistake was talking to Gia two or three times a week. You should be calling her once a week, taking her out one night Sunday through Thursday and getting to know her slowly. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When you go in slowly, the foundation and the basis of your relationship is 10 times stronger than when you rush.” After a month of going out, it was fantastic that Gia gave you a big treat of dinner and a ballgame. It shows she’s a Giver -- but you still didn’t know her true Interest Level because you didn’t have a lot of time in with her. On the first couple of dates, Interest Level is always high. Afterward is when Reality sets in. When she tells you she needs time to think, Doc Love has all of the reasons why this is a very bad thing...

what did Gia want? So, Heff, you decided that you wanted to be with only Gia. We know what you want, you’re telling me all the time, but what does she want? Yet, another mistake was taking your photo off the dating website. Gia should be coming to you and begging you to take it off. Like most men, you gave away the store for free. And now that you’ve gotten zonked, you’re wondering: “What the heck happened?” Seeing Gia even more often was another mistake, mistake, mistake. Buddy, you have to spoon feed yourself when it comes to women. The amount of time you have in with her is extremely important. And when you have high Interest Level for a couple of dates, it means nothing. You need to have high Interest Level for lots of dates. Heff, you never tell a woman you’re in love with her. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Well, dawg, I guess we know she owns you now!” And what follows is called boredom. You’re boring and a non-Challenge to Gia. After just two months of dating she has you all wrapped up like a little puppy dog.

infidelity = undateable But, the best part is yet to come. Now she tells you she’s the mistress of a married man. This indicates that your girl has no Integrity. Remember the commandment: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife or husband”? Check it out -- it’s right there in the Good Book. Of course you didn’t picture Gia with a married man -- you mistook her for someone with Integrity. But it turns out she doesn’t have any, and you should have dropped her on the spot. She doesn’t have to worry about anything because she knows she owns you. But you have to worry because she has no Integrity. And by the way, why is this guy still coming after her so

hard? Why didn’t Gia, if she was so in love with you, tell this guy: “Stay away! I’m in love with Heff?” She didn’t do that, did she? Doesn’t that tell you something? The problem is that you were committed to Gia, but she wasn’t committed to you. In fact, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You should be committed for believing her!” I have news for you, Heff. Gia wasn’t nervous about buying a house. She was nervous about her low Interest Level in you. The distance you felt was her interest taking a dive. But you don’t understand that process because you don’t have my course materials. You don’t know anything about the significance of Interest Level dropping from 88% to 86% to 82%, etc.

she doesn't want you Gia told you earlier that her ex was pursuing her at the same time she told you she was in a committed relationship to you. I guess she’s committed to two guys now; is that what you’re saying? If she doesn’t know what’s right for her, it means her Interest Level in you has ducked south of the border, which means below 50%. At this point it was the second time you should have dropped her. She’s saying loud and clear that she doesn't want you. And why did all of this happen to you, guy? Because you rushed in with this woman. You didn’t spend enough time with her. You had high Interest Level, but not enough time in. When Gia says she can’t give you 100%, at least she’s being honest (except when it comes to the other guy’s wife, of course!). And when she says she doesn’t know what she wants, it means you’re out. This is what I call the beating, which so many guys hang around to absorb long after they should be out of there. Once the woman tells you she used to go out with a married guy, right then and there you should have gotten out. But Heff, you should have found out about this guy before you took your name off the singles site and before you said "I love you" to Gia. Think about it: You said those three sacred words to a woman who has the hots for a married guy. One more thing: “I need to be alone” is Womanese for “I really want to go out with my married lover!” Remember, guys: When you go in fast, you go out just as fast.

Doc Love: She Won't Stop Texting Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Kanesha, a single mom, for a couple of months. I'm 25 and she’s 28. I have a very promising career in sales and marketing and own my own home. She has a 5-year-old girl and an 8-year-old boy who she introduced me to a couple of weeks ago. They are great

kids and very well mannered. Kanesha is a waitress at a Red Lobster. For the past few weeks she comes over every Wednesday after she gets off from work and we watch a movie together. We also get together on Saturdays when she leaves work and we have drinks, hang out with people and she watches TV with me and my friends and family.

constant contact Here’s my problem: Kanesha texts me every day -- when she is about to go to work, leave work and go to bed. She says things like “I'm off to work,” or “Have a great day,” and “Don’t work too hard.” In other words, she texts me just about all the time to fill me in on whatever she is doing in her schedule. From the beginning I’ve been responding to all these messages, even though it’s anti-Challenge. I need to know how to stop. Or should I not stop?

taking it slow Doc, there’s one more thing. Kanesha and I have made out, but have not gotten too romantic, if you catch my drift. It’s my understanding from reading your materials that this is not a bad thing. How long should we wait to become more romantic? I would love your input on this. I would also like to thank you for coaching us men. We appreciate it! Jeb - who doesn’t want to make any mistakes

doc love’s answer Hi Jeb, So, this girlfriend of yours has two young kids who are going to move out of her house when they are 18. Do you plan on marrying her then? Or do you plan on marrying her within the next year? If there’s absolutely no chance of you marrying her and being a great father to her kids, you should drop her right now, because what you’re doing is all a complete waste of time. It’s not fair to the kids, Kanesha or you. Think about it, guy. Now let me get this straight. You’ve been going out with Kanesha for all of two months and already you have her hanging around with your friends and family? And her kids are hanging around, too? This is all way, way too fast, man! A woman you’re dating shouldn’t even be meeting your family until after six months. Are you sure you’ve read my materials? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “What you’re doing here, boy, is rushin’ in like a steer in a rodeo!” You’re not giving this thing any chance whatsoever to develop. I’ve said it a million times before: Rushing is the best way to kill a budding relationship.

no more mystery

But here’s what really baffles me, Jeb. Why in the world are you responding to Kanesha’s text messages when you know they are anti-Challenge? You should have told her from the beginning: “Honey, save whatever you have to say to me for our dates.” Read on for more of Doc Love's answer... Saying thank you to her every time she says "God bless you" whenever you sneezed from day one was the absolute antithesis of creating any sense of mystery. From the beginning, she knew exactly what you were up to every single minute and you let it happen. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “With women, you have to leave a little something to the imagination.”

habits die hard Now you want to go back and undo it all. Well, like the old cowboy saying goes: “You already opened up the barn door, and it’s gonna be damn near impossible to get the horses back in.” To you Psych majors, once a bad habit starts with a woman, it’s almost impossible to get her to cut it out. See, Jeb, you don’t have much leeway in the matter now since you’ve enabled Kanesha with her text obsession. What you have to say to her is this: “Look, what I really like to do when I communicate with you is have you talk to me in person because you have a beautiful, sexy voice, and you have the most beautiful eyes of any woman on the face of the planet. But honey, when you text me, you take that all away, and I don’t get to hear your beautiful voice and see your gorgeous eyes. So from now on, I’m not going to be answering your texts. Please, just save whatever you have to say for our date.” Then, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have to hope she buys it.”

you lost self-control This is what’s called a “cleanup case.” But since you’ve participated in this texting chit-chat from the very beginning, the problem of course is that Kanesha can say, “No, I don’t want to go along with that,” and then you’ve got a big argument -- and problem -- on your hands. Again, you should have stopped Kanesha the very first time she texted you. The only way you’re going to break any bad habit with a woman is by calling her on it the first time it happens. Once you let it slide for a couple of months and allow it to become an ingrained habit and then try to break it, she’ll think you don’t like her anymore. This is the danger you face now as a consequence of not showing self-control at the outset. Should you get more romantic with Kanesha? The main thing you should be concerned with now is not how much you’re going to kiss this woman, but rather keeping her Interest Level in the 90s. If you keep a woman’s Interest Level in the 90s, everything else will work out. And yes, as far as being romantic with a lady goes, the longer you wait, the better it is. That’s

a hard and fast rule. Because if you wait, you won’t be rushing in and ruining everything before it has a chance to begin. That’s called simple deductive reasoning, my friend. Remember, guys: The only way to beat a bad habit is to not let it start.

Doc Love: Too Many Women To Choose From Hey Doc, I like to join groups like acting and tai chi classes and I work in the entertainment industry, in which I constantly encounter circumstances where a bunch of men and women who don’t know each other are shoved together in a situation where they’re forced to interact. Naturally, people start to pair off. I really like this dynamic and find it very interesting, and I’m very much in my own element. Obviously, if you want your pick of the hottest girls in a newly formed group, you have to play your hand really well. I think I do well because I’ve had so much practice. I hold off, act a little aloof, and let the other guys shoot themselves down while I play it friendly, funny and confident, but cool. I don’t hang around chatting or anything. The result is that I get lots of girls interested in me. They tend to vie for my attention by being aggressive, humorous, shy or reserved, or whatever.

they orbit but don't bump But here’s the big problem: It’s like I have this little solar system of females circling around me, but what do I do now? I’ve got girls smiling and brushing against me, but then I don’t know what to do! I feel like if I choose one, then all the others will feel left out and give their attention to one of the other guys. So I sit there, I don’t make any definite moves at all, the girls’ interest grows and grows, but then it starts to wane and they pair up with some other guy or the class or job ends and that’s that. And I get greedy. I want them all! Is there some way to get them all or should I choose one and alienate all the others, or will it make the others come after me harder? I’ve never tried! I run into this situation over and over and if you could help me it would turn my life around, because doing what I’m doing gets me a lot of attention but never, ever any “closed deals.” Osi - who needs a few tips

doc love's answer

Hi Osi, Going to these classes and having the job you have is a great thing because you’re getting out there. When you’re involved in these types of activities there are going to be lots of women -which is exactly what you want as a single guy. Most guys wouldn’t think of doing what you’re doing, but they should. To you Psych majors, if men went to where beautiful women congregate, they couldn’t help but meet them. This is common sense. And where are there more beautiful women than in acting classes? Even if you’re not interested in theater or film, you can find some kind of rationale to attend. If someone asks what you’re doing there if you’re not an actor, just say: “I’m studying human psychology.”

delusions of grandeur But let me ask you this, guy: How can you say girls are vying for your attention when they’re being shy or reserved? It doesn’t make any sense. The only way a woman can try to interest you is by being aggressive, humorous or flirtatious. So what you’re saying is a contradiction. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Like lots of guys, you’re indulging in wishful thinking.” And like most guys, you’re rationalizing. What should you do when all these women are circling around you? You have to close on one of them, man. There’s nothing more important that you can do. You have to pick one out and get her number; otherwise you’re going to end up with nothing. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You can’t have five or 10 women, my son, but you can have one.” And that’s what you’re after. More from Doc Love on what to do when you have too many women to choose from...

it only takes one So here’s what you do: Go up to one of the women who is giving you overt buying signals, take her by the hand, and say: “You’re going to be my partner.” This is how you close, Osi. Up to that point, your presentation is great. You can probably go in and convince Mister Smith that he needs $16,000 worth of aluminum siding for his house, but until you say “Mister Smith, please pay me,” and you get a signed agreement and a check out of him, your presentation means nothing. It’s the same thing with this bevy of females. You’ve got to close. You have to pair off with one of them. Then, next week, when the same bunch of honeys is there again, pair off with another one. Keep doing it until you’ve got three or four or five of them on the line. Now, some of these women will gravitate to the other guys, but it doesn’t matter: you’re being a Challenge and they’ll think twice about you. And eventually you’re going to pick one of those girls. The most important chapter in The Dating Dictionary is “Closing The Deal.” That’s what

you’re not doing, and that’s why you need “The System.” Then you’ve got to read it and memorize it.

all you need is love (from one woman) I know you want lots of women, Osi. But I’ve got news for you: Every guy is greedy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Hey man, who doesn’t want them all?” But you can only get one. Even John, Paul, George, and Ringo ended up with just one. You can’t pair up with six women each week. You can only pair up with one. Some of the women will get turned off when you go after one of them, but others will see you as a Challenge. And those are the ones you’ll go after later. Your major problem is that you’ve never tried with any of them.

act like the man So zero in on one of these babes, do your little skit in the acting class or your workout in tai chi, and if the girl really has a lot of fun with you, ask her for her home phone number while you’re alone with her. Next week, when there are a bunch of other girls hovering around you, pick out another one, have a good time with her, then ask for the home phone number. Just keep getting numbers. But don’t go out with any of them. Even if they talk about what you’re doing behind your back, keep getting more numbers. If some of the women get mad, fine -you don’t want the ones who get bent out of shape anyway. You only want the one who shows the highest Interest Level. Remember, guys: If you don’t know how to close, you’ll never have a girlfriend.

Doc Love: Move Past The Friend Zone Hey Doc, Kirsten and I exchanged phone numbers and began calling each other. She said that she was only interested in friendship right now rather than a relationship because it would confuse her 10-year-old daughter. She dated one of my friends before me and has told me that she eventually wants to find a man she can marry. Now, I don’t know whether this is a hint to say, “get lost” or what. She has also said that she doesn’t know me that well yet, so I’m thinking that maybe with time she might become romantically interested in me.

birthday blues

I found out that Kirsten’s birthday is in a few days and I told her that I would buy her something and we’d celebrate it. As she enjoys cooking, I suggested that I’d buy her something for her kitchen but she replied that she didn’t understand my motive for buying her a gift. I was too dumbfounded to reply. During our conversation I playfully flirted with her, but she said that I shouldn’t do that. And by the way, she seems to get annoyed if any other guys flirt with her. As we are both Christians, I can understand where Kirsten’s coming from, but I just can’t stop thinking about her. I’m not the clingy type and I have a lot of respect for her. I suppose I’ll keep the relationship where it is, but frankly, I’d like to have a long-term relationship with her. Doc, what’s your honest opinion about what I should do? Should I wait until friendship turns into romance? No matter what, I would hate to destroy a perfect friendship with Kirsten. I need coaching, please. Sharpie - who wants more than she’s giving

doc love's answer Hi Sharpie, First of all, what are you and Kirsten doing calling each other? When you call a girl on the phone, you’re supposed to ask her out for a date. You don’t call to chitchat. The phone is for getting a date -- period. When Kirsten says that she doesn’t want a relationship with you and prefers a friendship only, she’s really saying that she has low Interest Level in you, that you don’t have a chance with her, and that it has nothing whatsoever to do with her 10-year-old daughter.

she wants to get married... And when she says that she wants to find someone to marry, she’s really saying in another way that she only wants to be friends with you and that there’s absolutely nothing else involved. So, this woman is telling you up front how she feels, which is great because like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Now you don’t have to waste your time with her.” So be thankful, Sharpie, that you’re not being taken for a ride. Kirsten’s not telling you to get lost. She’ll be your friend, but you shouldn’t have any illusions about a romance with her. If you think that if you hang around long enough she’ll fall in love with you, you’re grasping for straws. Because when a woman utters the word “friendship” in connection to you, you’re not in the ballgame with her at all.

...but not to you That said, why in the world are you buying this woman a birthday present? You buy gifts for your girlfriend, and Kirsten’s not your girlfriend. And by the way, in case you haven’t noticed, you’re not even dating her. And that’s why Kirsten doesn’t understand your motive for buying her a gift. What you’re really trying to do here is raise her Interest Level by buying her something, when she has no interest, romantically, in you at all. Can Doc Love make Sharpie see that his play was doomed from the beginning? Find out...

honesty is better than nothing At least she’s not a taker. She’s not saying: “Sure, Sharpie, I’ll take whatever you give me.” The lady is honest, I’ll give you that, and you should be grateful for that especially since you’re not seeing straight or thinking clearly right now. Like my cousin General Love says: “You’re like a sitting duck, soldier.” Know why you were too dumbfounded to reply to Kirsten when she said she didn’t want a present from you? Because your Interest Level is 89% and hers is 0%. Kirsten’s telling you the truth when she says that you shouldn’t flirt. Why? Because you’re just friends. And she’s reinforcing that idea to you over and over. How do you know that she gets annoyed when other guys flirt with her? Are you with her all the time, every second of the day, whenever any other guy talks to her? You’re rationalizing here, dude. The ones she gets annoyed with are the ones she has low Interest Level in. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Take my word for it, when the right guy comes along, she will not be annoyed.” And you are not that guy, Sharpie!

you have no control, at all Of course you have great respect for Kirsten. However, the problem is that you have high Interest Level in her too, and she has no interest in you romantically. I have news for you, buddy: You’re not keeping the relationship where it is -- she's keeping the relationship where it is. You want more, and she’s saying a loud, resounding no. Thus, you have no control in this relationship whatsoever. The woman sets the pace, and in this case, like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “The horse never got out of the damn barn.” You want a long-term relationship with Kirsten? You can’t even get to first base with her! You can’t even buy her a pot and pan without her telling you no. What chance do you have with a girl like that? Wake up and smell the coffee, guy! What should you do? You have to get my materials and memorize them, because what you’re doing is living on your Interest Level and projecting it onto Kirsten. I’ve said it many, many times before: This is the biggest mistake men make with women.

you'll be waiting for a lifetime Sure, you can wait until friendship turns into romance -- if you’re going to live to be 180. Why not move on and start hustling other women now? Kirsten has told you what’s what loud and clear. One more thing: You don’t have a perfect friendship with this lady. She has a perfect friendship with you, and you’re trying to move it into the dating zone. The odds are one in a million that it would ever happen. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Wasting Time With The Wrong Woman Hey Doc, I have read all of your weekly columns and have recently invested in your book; to say the least, it’s awesome. I’m reading it for the third time and am trying to memorize it. I’m dating Candy who is 24 years old and a “7” on the female beauty scale. I’m 26, and we’ve been dating for two and a half years. By the way, I’m good-looking, but sometimes lack SelfConfidence. Here’s my problem:

aren’t we on the same page? Seven weeks ago, Candy got a new job and since then I have been feeling like I am losing my grip on her. Now she says that she is going abroad to earn her master’s degree. We had a heated talk about it and I told her that I consider the relationship over since it’s going to be a long-distance thing. She said that she would come back home immediately afterward and has no intention to stay abroad. She wants to be financially independent and education is important to her. As you say, Doc, a woman will do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it and with whom she wants to do it. Doc, this girl never asks me out and when she does it’s only by hinting. Is this normal after two and half years? Shouldn’t this chick be hearing wedding bells in her head instead of leaving for further education overseas? Shouldn’t I own her after two and half years? Shouldn’t she want to see me often? I currently feel I cannot raise her Interest Level any higher. How would you rate her Interest Level?

time to move on?

I feel like when I am a Challenge Candy also becomes a Challenge, and I become bitter and it gets me tired. She stopped telling me that she loved me because I don’t tell her first and often enough. I have many issues bothering me, but I don’t know how to “pour my heart out” and not appear weak or negative. Shouldn’t couples talk about what’s bothering them? Should I stick around and not jump ship at the slightest turmoil? Am I reading too much into nothing? One last thing, Doc. I dumped Candy about a year and a half ago; however, I took her back and things seemed OK . She has told me she won’t cry if I dump her again because she is a big girl now. Should I dump her and start taking numbers? Please coach me, Doc, even if it’s just to say “drop her!” I feel like I’m going crazy. Eck - who is beginning to lose it

doc love’s answer Hi Eck, After you memorize my materials, your Self-Confidence will explode. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Self-confidence builds from how much you understand women." And after you complete my course, you will have the Self-Confidence to deal with all women.

a little too late You might feel like you’re losing your grip on Candy right now, but the truth is that you lost your grip on her a long time ago. And this is the problem that the vast majority of men have: By the time he picks up that something is seriously wrong with his relationship, it’s way, way too late to do anything about it. Of course Candy has to go abroad to earn her master’s degree -- that’s because there are no colleges in the United States. Eck, there are only 55,000 of them -- duh. So, what does it tell you that she needs to go to Timbuktu to study? Your relationship with Candy isn’t over because it’s a “long-distance thing”; it’s over because she’s leaving the country! The real point here is that she values going overseas to get an advanced degree when she can get one here and be with you. Think about it, my friend. No, it’s not normal that Candy never asks you out. And what it demonstrates is that this babe fell out of love with you a long time ago. Should she be hearing wedding bells instead of going overseas? You hit it right on the head, guy. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “The problem is that they don’t hear wedding bells when they have a low Interest Level.” Eck is wasting time with the wrong woman. Doc Love continues his explanation next...

you’re wasting your time Eck, you should have gotten my course materials six months to a year before you met Candy and you wouldn’t be in this mess right now. If you had, you would have realized that she’s not a keeper, and you would have gotten rid of her a lot sooner. This is something else most guys don’t realize: When you stick with a hopeless situation, the clock is ticking and you’re losing time when you could have been hustling somebody else who is potentially a good partner. Moreover, you’ve spent all kinds of money on a losing cause when for a mere $99 you could have had my course materials in time to effectively deal with the situation and saved yourself thousands in the long run. Of course you should own this woman after two and a half years -- but you don’t. And of course she should want to see you all of the time -- but she doesn’t. Know why you can’t raise her Interest Level higher now? Because it’s below 50%. You can only raise a woman’s Interest Level when it’s above 50%. I’d rate Candy’s Interest Level at 45%, which means you’re in desperate trouble.

how to understand Challenge Now let me straighten you out on being a Challenge. You’re attempting to be a Challenge because you’re trying to get Candy to do what you want her to do. However, she’s not being a Challenge for the sake of being a Challenge. She’s already a Challenge because she has a low Interest Level in you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Girls don’t play hard to get -- girls that have a low Interest Level are hard to get.” In other words, they’re impossible to get when they have a low Interest Level. If Candy won’t tell you she loves you, that shows you’re out. When you tell her you love her, you’re talking to the wall because once her Interest Level goes from 51% to 49%, you’re history. What you don’t realize is that, in her mind, Candy is looking at this move to a foreign land not only as a way to further her education, but also as a way to get away from you. Of course you should talk about what bothers you with your girl; however, everything bothers you, and nothing bothers her! You don’t have to be concerned about jumping ship now -- you were out a year ago. This girl has a low Interest Level. That’s the biggest problem here.

there’s no going back, man You dumped Candy in the first place because you knew something was wrong even before you had my program. And you did the right thing by dumping her, Eck. However, if you read the chapter “Back” in The Dating Dictionary, you’ll see that you can’t go back. So, you wasted another whole year with this babe. You spent a cartload of money on her in the past year, you’re uncomfortable with her, you’re frustrated with her, you’re having nightmares over her: So why are you with her?

Candy won’t cry if you dump her this time because she has a low Interest Level, not because she’s all grown up. When you drop a girl who has 45% Interest Level, she just giggles. So, of course you should dump her again and start taking numbers. Remember, guys: If you’re with someone for two and a half years and she wants to leave the country -- without you -- you’re finished.

Doc Love: She Cheated On You Hey Doc, I have a question about this woman I’m dating. Yvonne had a “best friend” with whom she spent a lot of time. At some point, I became suspicious about the two of them and I confronted her about it. She calmed me down by telling me he was just a friend and that I had nothing to worry about. Even though my intuition was telling me otherwise, I accepted her explanation and trusted her.

fool me twice… I broke up with Yvonne for other reasons, and three months later we got back together. Not long afterward, she dropped a bomb by telling me she had been cheating on me with this guy. I didn’t want to break up again with her after we had just started dating again, so I tried to deal with it. At that time, I began reading your materials and tried to be a Challenge to Yvonne. I think her Interest Level has grown a lot since then. Her attitude has also changed a lot toward me; she is sweet and has turned into a Giver. Everything would be perfect now except for one thing: Yvonne wants to keep the guy she cheated on me with as a friend. When I’ve asked her to ditch him, she tells me that I should not be jealous and controlling. It seems like in this area she acts as if she did nothing wrong, and does not care about my feelings or rebuilding my trust. Aside from that, she has become a really sweet girl. So, Doc, why is she doing this? Do you think her change is sincere? Should we continue as a couple if Yvonne holds on to this guy as a friend? Should I expend any more effort in this relationship? Phil - who has his doubts

doc love’s answer

Hi Phil, Sadly, men don’t listen to their intuition. But they should listen to it because, like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “It’s a very powerful force and a guardian angel that was put there to protect them.” The popular belief that only women have a powerful intuition is bogus. It’s one more lie perpetuated by society that would have you believe that men are just a bunch of simpering dolts who are completely incompetent in the face of the superior sex -- women. So, you got rid of Yvonne for other reasons aside from the fact that you sensed she was playing around with another man. But here’s the most important point: The reasons you got rid of her in the first place are still there. You have to ask yourself this question, Phil: Why did you go back to this woman?

once a liar, always a liar When Yvonne dropped the bomb on you that she’d been cheating, it went to prove that your intuition was right on the money and that you should have listened to it the first time around. Even more importantly is this: She lied about it. This girl is a liar. She has no Integrity. You can’t trust anything that ever comes out of her mouth for as long as you live. Nothing that she ever says in the future will ever have anything to do with reality. Not wanting to break up with Yvonne again after getting back together with her is a lame excuse. To you Psych majors: When you catch someone lying to you, it’s over. That’s all there is to it. I don’t care if you dropped this babe 50 times and went back to her 49 times, she still has to be out if she lies to you. What do you mean you don’t want to break up with her again? What a flimsy excuse for showing the world that you don’t have any guts, pal. Like my cousin General Love says: “You can’t even be called a soldier, because you’re a coward.” Forget becoming a Challenge to Yvonne now. Like the old cowboy saying goes: “The horse is already out of the barn.” When you found out she was a liar and cheater, she had to be out forever. There can be no understanding; there can be no working Challenge on her or trying to get back in -- because it’s over. Period. She’s a liar and a cheater. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “What two worse qualities would you want in a woman?” So come on, Phil, get a grip on yourself here. What to do when she cheated on you? That's next...

don’t be a chump When you say that Yvonne’s a much better woman now than she was before, you’re grasping for straws. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “I don’t care if she’s turned into Mother Theresa, she told you a guy was just a friend, and she lied. What else do you need to hear, dawg?” Get it through your head, Phil. She's a deceiver.

Now Yvonne wants to stay friends with the guy she screwed around with and lied to you about, and you actually wonder if you should keep her? You really are very funny, Phil. And this isn’t the only problem here. It’s the fourth problem. Gosh, how you men rationalize! And this situation does not have anything to do with being jealous or controlling. It has to do with the fact that this guy is Yvonne’s ex-lover. Not a gay friend. Not a guy who just happens to be male. No, this guy is an ex-lover. (And, by the way, for all you know he’s an ex!) So, this has to do with Respect -- her lack of Respect for you. It has nothing whatsoever to do with jealousy, possessiveness or control.

time to move on You did hit one thing smack on the head though, buddy: Yvonne does not care about your feelings or rebuilding your trust in her. She doesn’t care at all, and she shows it by insisting on keeping this other guy around. You’re going along with it because she knows you’re a wimp. You’ll rationalize anything to keep her, won’t you, Phil? But you say Yvonne is actually very sweet. Oh, I’m sure she’s a really sweet girl. A sweet girl who’s seeing an ex that she was intimate with, and that she lied about all the time. Yup, she sounds like a real gem all right. Yvonne is doing this because she has low Interest Level in you and high Interest Level in the other guy. There’s been no change in her at all. There’s no sincerity here either. Should you stay with her even if she keeps this other guy as a friend? Have you been smoking lots of dope, Phil? But I do have to tell you that this girl has some real cojones. She’s walking all over you. Do you want her to keep walking all over you? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “After you memorize the Dating Dictionary, you’ll stop wearing her dress in this relationship.” The only effort you should expend now is in telling her you’re finished. What should you do? You can’t get rid of her fast enough. Remember, guys: When you find out that she’s a liar and a cheater, it’s really best to leave.

Doc Love: Dating Before Divorce Hey Doc, I’ve read your course materials and love your weekly column. Much wise material is contained in your words. I’m a professor in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, and I have recently separated from my wife. I also

have a 6-year-old daughter. I met Danya, a student of mine, and we started talking, going out on dates and finally established a relationship. She’s 29, I’m 33 and everything was fine for the first three months, until she told her parents about our relationship. Since then they have transformed my life into a living hell. Every time Danya and I are together, she is wonderful, we make plans for the future and we have lots of fun. But whenever her parents call or visit her, they tell her that sooner or later I will leave her and go back to my ex-wife, and that I’ll break her heart, just like her exboyfriend who was also separated from his wife. Well, they don’t know me and they shouldn’t make such harsh judgments.

unwanted parental influence Now these people are badgering Danya on a daily basis, trying to convince her to go back to her hometown, which is 2,000 miles from here. She’s beginning to tell me to forget her and to not call her anymore because it’s going to be easier for her to forget me that way. She says she can’t take the pressure from her parents or me. I know Danya loves me because of the way she is when we’re together. I have no doubt that I love her and that I’m not going back to my wife. I don’t know if keeping a distance from Danya now is a good idea, because I’m afraid her family will end up convincing her to do what they want. I simply don’t know how to deal with this situation. Please coach me, Doc. Davi - who doesn’t know whether he should apply more pressure

doc love's answer Hi Davi, Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t think you actually memorized my materials because if you had, you’d understand that you can’t be trying to date someone when you’re already married. So, in the first place, I have to straighten you out on something. You didn’t “firmly establish” a relationship with Danya. How could you, pal? You have a wife. So you couldn’t and didn’t have anything solid with this woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re standing on second base and you forgot to touch first!” In case you haven’t noticed, Davi, you don’t have your divorce papers yet. This relationship you think you have with Danya is really nothing but a big daydream in your own mind. It’s a fantasy and my job is to help you deal with reality.

you're out of line

Of course Danya’s folks have transformed your life into a living hell. What else would you expect them to do? If your daughter were going out with a married man who has a family, what would you, as a good father or mother, say to her? Wouldn’t you try to stop her from ruining her life? Think about it, guy. Here’s something else, something a little more sinister. You abused your power as a teacher by hitting on your student. So what do you think that makes you look like to Danya’s family? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When you put the moves on the females who are in your class to learn, you’re acting like a sleaze-bucket.” Davi, you’re lucky that Danya’s parents -- or the school administration for that matter -- haven’t gone after your job for messing around with a student. So now there are two strikes against this so-called relationship. Doc Love's advice continues after the jump... Maybe Danya’s family shouldn’t judge you too harshly. But they know you’re a married man, don’t they? And they know that their daughter was dumped by another guy under similar circumstances, right? Again, dude, what else could you possibly expect from them? So, I disagree with you about their actions here. I say her parents are great people! They’re only doing what any concerned parent would do -- and it’s the right thing, too, Davi. To you Psych majors: No decent parent advises his or her kid to get into a relationship with a married man.

they're looking out for her Danya’s parents are what I call Blockers. There is no question whatsoever that they’re trying to put a stop to this situation. But they’re really only getting involved to protect their daughter because you’re still a legally committed man, you have a kid, you don’t have your divorce finalized yet, and this thing can never take off because you already have a spouse. But, Davi, you keep rationalizing the significance of the fact that you have a wife. You act like it’s no big deal at all that you’re married -- but to Danya’s parents it’s a huge deal, and rightly so. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Usually when you’re married, it means you can’t be chasing other women.” You might not have the intention of going back to your ex, Davi, but don’t forget that she’s still not your ex-wife. She’s still very much your wife -- in the present.

it's time to get divorced How should you deal with this situation? Well, if you want to deal with it, you have to start by divorcing your wife. Until you do, you can’t move forward at all. Chances are that by the time you and your wife settle all outstanding matters in a court of law, Danya will be long gone, probably back to her hometown. And if she’s smart, to a single guy. Remember, guys: If you’re married and want to date another girl, it’s a waste of time.

Doc Love: Yelling At Your Live-In Girlfriend Hey Doc, I read your articles for the first two or three months I dated my current girlfriend, Keri, then I stopped. We’ve been together for a year now. Everything was great until last Thursday night. I worked late and she went out after work with coworkers. I had a few drinks on my own and went home. I always let Keri do her own thing, and I don’t bother her with text messages and phone calls. Around one in the morning, I got a call from her that she needed a ride. She was completely hammered and at the apartment of a male coworker. Now, Keri has a ton of guy friends, but I’ve seen this particular coworker giving her the eye before. Like an idiot, I yelled at her. The next night she went out for drinks with the same guy. I got drunk and yelled at her again.

there's a wall between us Doc, I don't know if Keri cheated on me, but I know that I have seriously injured our relationship. There's been a palpable wall between us since these incidents. It has eased a little more each day, but I feel I might be losing Keri. Any coaching you can give me would be much appreciated. I am now questioning everything I do around Keri, and it shows. I feel like I’ve lost my edge. There is one more complication, Doc. Keri and I just started living together about a month ago. I think we both need space, but it’s hard to have when you’re living in the same apartment. But I also don't want to look like I don't care. Thank you for anything you can say to me. Marvel - who’s afraid of losing her

doc love's answer Hi Marvel, Before we go into your problem with Keri, I want to say something. You read my articles for the first two or three months you were with your girlfriend and then you stopped, which means you never invested in “The System.” And presumably, my principles helped you to get this girl, right? Now you’re coming to me with a problem. Apparently, you don’t recognize the lack of logic in your thinking. If you’d invested in my program, you wouldn’t be writing me this letter now and you would not be in this predicament. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Thank god you ain’t thinkin’ for a livin’, boy!” That said, it’s great that you don’t bug Keri with text messages and phone calls. You shouldn’t be trying to dominate a woman, just the same, as I don’t want women dominating

men -- which, sadly, is usually the case. So, congratulations on showing some Self-Control. Unfortunately, you forgot to keep practicing it.

fool me once... Now let me get this straight. Your girlfriend is drunk, she needs a ride home, and you yelled at her? Dude, this is what I call lack of Self-Control, which is one-third of Control in my course, which you would have had if you’d invested in it and memorized it. What you should have done instead of losing it with Keri was kept your mouth shut, given her a ride home and figured out the details of what happened that night later on. In other words, you should have kept your head -- and kept your mouth shut. The same thing happened the very next night. Now you have to figure out whether Keri is going out with this other guy to rub it in your face, or is she going out with him because she really likes him? But instead of getting to the heart of the matter, what did you do? You just went and repeated your first mistake. Again, a total lack of Self-Control. Doc Love tries to sort our Marvel's predicament, but he's got himself in real deep because he does more than just yell at his live-in girlfriend...

alcohol breeds uncertainty And by the way, Marvel, in case you haven’t noticed, you and Keri may have drinking problems. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, both of you should be looking into some self-help.” You came down hard on this girl when you really didn’t know 100% for sure that she played around with this other guy, and that’s your biggest problem here. You jumped the gun, you yelled not just once but twice, and then you went and swilled some more alcohol when the earlier problems were caused by involvement with alcohol. What sense does that make, buddy? Of course there’s a cement wall between you and Keri on account of these nasty incidents. Because if she hasn’t been cheating with this coworker and she has no interest in him romantically, you were dead wrong to fly off the handle like you did. Like my cousin General Love says: “That’s where your lack of Self-Control has really gotten you into deep water, soldier.”

you've lost your edge Yes, you are losing Keri. She has resentment toward you. On the other hand, if she does have romantic feelings for this other guy, she’s just looking for an excuse to get rid of you. And what does she do? After the first scene with you, she goes back out with the same guy the next night and does exactly the same thing. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Now

we’re talking about viciousness.” And what does that tell you? You have lost your edge, my friend. And Keri’s Interest Level is no longer in the 90s. Now it turns out that you and Keri are living together. So you’re yelling at your roommate. Oh, this is just great! In order to have any chance of salvaging this mess, what you’re going to have to do is keep everything fun and light for starters. Then you’re going to have to sit down and tell Keri: “Listen, if we’re going to make this work, we may have to stop drinking. We’re overdoing it.” To you Psych majors, it’s OK to have one or two drinks, but if you’re having more than two drinks a night or you’re drinking every day., you’re on the road to having a full-blown problem.

drinking only clouds your vision One more thing, Marvel: When there's a problem with alcohol, clear thinking often goes straight out the window. So neither Keri nor you know what you’re doing in this situation because your thoughts and actions are clouded by booze. Remember, guys: If you both drink too much, you’re not going to have a good relationship.

Doc Love: When Your Woman Is A Mistress Hey Doc, I’ll cut straight to the chase here. Can a woman be in love with two men? I am a dedicated student of your course, and I understand that love is to be measured in terms of Interest Level, 0% to 100%. Your teachings have landed me, and are allowing me to keep, a woman with an Interest Level above 80%. Jessica gets an A in Flexibility and an A in Giving, but in the area of Integrity she’s not so stellar.

he offered to live a double life The situation involves her ex. Brent was married and cheating on his wife, Mary, when Jessica saw him regularly for two years before we met. Brent told Jessica that he would never leave his wife, but he offered to be the father of Jessica’s children and live a double life with her. Jessica declined. She says she stopped seeing him after only our third date because she felt I could be the one for her to marry. She says she has not seen Brent at all since she broke up with him two and a half years ago.

she still talks to her married ex

Anyway, Jessica and I married six months ago. Here’s the issue: She talks to Brent on the phone every month now. I found this out by accident. When I brought it up to her, she denied talking to Brent until I told her I knew with 100% certainty that she was regularly talking to him. She claims that she loves me much more than Brent, and that I’m the only one she would ever marry. She promised that she would no longer talk to him because it will hurt our marriage. So, Doc, here’s my question: Can a woman have high Interest Level in both her husband and another man? Is this maybe the answer to the whole ex dilemma? Dexter - who’s looking forward to hearing the truth about his woman, the mistress.

doc love’s answer Hi Dexter, Sure, a woman can be in love with two men. That is, if her Interest Level is only 55% in both of them. But it is impossible to have 95% Interest Level in two guys at the same time. That’s simple arithmetic, my friend.

integrity above all else In “The System” I tell you guys that any babe you’re with has to score a solid A in Integrity. She can get Bs and Cs in Flexibility and Giving, but there’s no wiggle room when it comes to Integrity. Without Integrity, you are looking at a life of torture if you marry the girl. So you might think you’re a dedicated student, Dexter, but you missed a massive, major point in your studies. Now let me get this straight. What you’re telling me here is that your wife dated a married man. If your wife dated a married man, she has no Integrity. That’s all there is to it. Why would you go and marry a woman who dates married men? This is your problem right here, Dexter, not that a woman might be in love with two different men. Your problem is simply that you overlooked all-important Integrity when it came to your wife. To you Psych majors: You don’t want to get involved with a woman who dates married men, because that very fact tells you something about her character. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “And what it tells you ain’t good!” When your woman is a mistress, Doc Love has some hard words to for you…

he offered to screw up kids But let’s be fair. To Brent’s credit, he did offer to father her children and live a double life with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says: “Now that’s what I call a real nice guy.”

It’s great that Jessica thought you were the one she should marry -- if she had stuck with what she said. But she didn’t, did she? When you caught Jessica red-handed talking to her ex, she lied right to your face. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Looks like you got yourself a good woman there, dawg!” And the saddest thing of all is that you had two and a half years to evaluate her and you still went ahead and married her anyway. In the end, everything goes back to one unavoidable fact: she dated a married man.

she’ll have the hubby with a side of philanderer Jessica claims that she loves you much more than Brent? What’s the matter with you, Dexter? She shouldn’t love him at all. Why would you marry a woman who loves another guy even a little bit? Sure, you’re the only guy she would have married -- as long as she could keep another guy on the side. She married you because you were dumb enough to do it. The other guy wasn’t so dumb, have you noticed? I want Jessica to not want to talk to her ex because it will hurt your marriage, not because you’re giving her an ultimatum or you have to tell her not to talk to him. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If she had any class, she’d want to do it on her own.” To answer your question: No, a woman can’t have high Interest Level in two men. Like I said at the beginning, she can only have low Interest Level in both of them. And the ex situation has nothing to do with any of this. Your wife dated a married man. When you found this out, right then and there you should have passed on her. And that’s your big error.

dude, she’s lied to you since the beginning Dexter, you’re trying to rationalize Jessica’s behavior by bringing up the question of whether a woman can love two men at the same time. It’s a not an issue in this case. You went out with your wife for two and a half years, the other guy was allegedly out of the picture for all that time and now she’s suddenly making phone calls to him? Why is she talking to an ex at all? I’ll tell you why: because she has no Integrity. I can’t say it enough times. This is another great example of how men will rationalize anything and everything when they want to keep a woman who is no good. Remember, guys: When a woman dates a married man, you should never have anything to do with her -- ever.

Doc Love: Take It Slow Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your columns for a couple of years and I have a question: I’ve been dating Jill and I’m completely and utterly interested in her. She is smart, funny, a deep thinker, and a philosopher; she stimulates my mind more than anything, and I dig that about her. She had been pursuing me and flirting with me constantly before I finally asked her out. On our first date we spent all day together walking the streets of Manhattan, laughing, flirting, and at the end of the night when we said goodbye, she leaned in and kissed me. It was passionate, sensual and sexy.

why has her interest level dropped? Anyway, we’d been dating for about three weeks, talking and texting on the phone every day, and then it slowly stopped. We used to talk on the phone for several hours, but now the conversations are down to 20 minutes. She used to text me and ask me about my day, but now she doesn’t even return my texts. She used to tell me that we could go out on a date whenever I had time, but now she says she doesn’t know when she will have the time to go out. I decided to give Jill a call and ask her why she was being so distant. I told her how incredible I thought she was, how much I respected her mind and how great it was to spend time with her. She responded that she felt the same way, but told me that she wasn’t ready to have a man in her life. She said she wanted to focus 100% of her time on her career, and that the two or three hours we spent on the phone were incredible and magical, but it was two or three hours she could use to do her work. I told her I understood, and that all I wanted was to be there for her and give her space. I added that I would wait on the sidelines and she told me that she just wanted to be alone, without a man waiting for her. She said that I would be a distraction. She also said that it was the first time in her life that she wasn’t in a relationship and that she was finally independent and wanted to see what that was like. When I told her that I had been there and done that, and that I felt it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, she said she understood but that she still wanted to experience it for herself.

how can I win her back? I know that Jill likes me, but her career is No. 1, 2, 3, and 4 in her life. Doc, I want to know what I can do to not miss out on the opportunity that Jill gave me, and then suddenly snatched away. She is an incredible woman and certainly worth fighting for, even if the person I’m fighting with is her. Finally, I offered Jill my friendship and told her I would rather be her friend and talk with her than try to be her boyfriend and lose her. I don’t know if that was a mistake, but she answered pretty coldly and vaguely. How can I win Jill back? What is the best course of action for me? Jango - who’s been beaten out by Jill’s career

doc love’s answer Hi Jango, You’ve been reading my columns for a couple of years now -- which means you’ve taken in 104 of them -- but you still haven’t invested in “The System.” Why didn’t you get a hold of my materials and memorize them when it was still early enough to head off your problem? You waited too long to take meaningful action. Now you have major headaches, and it didn’t have to be that way, my friend. I have no doubt whatsoever that you’re completely and utterly interested in Jill. But you never mention her Interest Level in you. Isn’t that amazing? Again, you don’t have my course materials, so you’re like a boat drifting without an anchor. What are you waiting for, pal? Are you waiting for the boat to sink? I don’t care about any of Jill’s wonderful character traits. I don’t care if she’s a champion skydiver or a Nobel Prize winner. All I care about is how much Jill loves you. Does she? You give no indication of it whatsoever, and her actions don’t either. Doc Love explains why you must take it slow in order to maintain her Interest Level next...

no strategy, no game It does seem you were a Challenge to Jill at first when you had her chasing you, though. So what happened? Again, you were unable to keep the momentum going because you had no strategy. And the only true strategy for dealing with women is “The System.” You were texting and talking on the phone with Jill for the first three weeks you dated her? Jango, why were you giving away the store? Why were you rushing into something with this girl before you had a beachhead? You murdered Challenge by throwing yourself at this girl.

slow and easy I’ve told you guys a million times that you have to take it slow and easy when you’re dealing with women. Talking on the phone for hours with Jill was not taking it slow and easy. And it was also a key telephone blunder. The phone is for getting dates; it’s not for talking. To you Psych majors: When you act like this, all you’re doing is rushing into rejection. You just can’t wait to spend a million hours with her so that she burns out on you. Now Jill won’t return your texts. When a girl doesn’t return your texts, you have to drop her. And by the way, you shouldn’t be texting in the first place. When a girl asks if you text, tell her no. Texting is an anti-Challenge activity. Not only won’t Jill text you, she won’t go out with you either. When a woman says she doesn’t have time to go out with you, her Interest

Level is in the 40s -- if you’re lucky. But you didn’t read any of the signals you were getting loud and clear. You called Jill and asked what was wrong. In other words, you kissed up to her when her Interest Level was in free fall. But she does think you’re fantastic, even if she doesn’t want a man in her life. Heck, that’s not a contradiction at all! What bothers me about Jill telling you that she should have spent her time working instead of with you is not that she’s lying, but that she thinks you’re stupid enough to believe it. Do you, Jango?

stop kissing up to her When you said that you wanted to be there for Jill and give her all of the space she needs, were you on your knees at the time? And when you say something like “I’ll wait on the sidelines,” does that sound like a confident man to you? Well, guy, I see that the 104 articles you read really sunk in. Jill dated you for three weeks and now she says she doesn’t want a relationship? Gosh, Jango, you really have this girl mixed up with someone who cares. However, in the end, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, you’re convinced that Jill likes you. After all the things she’s been telling you (and she’s been telling you indirectly to get lost), you say that you know she digs you. And you read over 100 of my articles. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Man, you really have to lay off the vino.”

move on, buddy Nevertheless, you insist that Jill gave you an opportunity. Dude, she gave you nothing. Her Interest Level is in the 30s. That means you’re out . You’re gone. Once Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re history. What does Jill have to tell you before you get the message? Does she have to say: “I never want to see you again?” Does she have to tell you that her Interest Level is in the toilet? Does she have to tell you that she’s seeing another guy? Your problem, Jango, is that you have 100% Interest Level and Jill has 39% Interest Level. You’re not seeing Reality at all. Still, you want to fight for her. Like my cousin General Love says: “There’s nothing to fight for. The war is over and you’re the loser.” Jango, you can’t fight to raise Interest Level. Are you sure you haven’t been reading the articles of another love doctor? You don’t know if it was a mistake to offer to be friends with Jill? It was a huge mistake! When you do something like that, you come off as a wimp and you’re begging for the woman to like you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “This is shameful behavior, my son.” You can never win Jill back. And here’s the saddest part: You’re going to do the same thing with the next girl you date. You’re going to be a wimp and you’re going to give away the

store too soon again. You’re going to make all of the same mistakes again until you memorize my materials. There’s only one course of action for you now: Invest in my materials. Remember, guys: If you go in fast, you go out fast.

Doc Love: Revealing Too Much Hey Doc, I’ve had your book for five years now. First, I want to say that every single word in it is true. I’ve seen your coaching work time and again. It’s the best $100 I’ve ever spent. However, I think I may be one of those guys who just can’t be “fixed.” After reading (and almost having memorized) “The System,” I’ve realized how women make their romantic choices. And as much as your book is correct, and I agree with the facts in it, it literally makes me sick to realize that a woman won’t ever love you for who you are, but she will love you just for the way you act. This has made me lose some of my interest in women in general. Call me naive, but I think you can’t absolutely always keep your guard up. So, sooner or later the woman will see you for who you really are (a good guy who genuinely loves her) and she'll lose her Interest Level in you.

she tested me Anyway, I began a relationship with Crystal who has lots of emotional baggage from her family and past bad relationships. She is gorgeous and had a 90% Interest Level in me when we started out. She was sweet and serene and would not ever play games, test me, flirt with other guys, etc. Everything was good until today, when out of the blue she made a statement about how she had spent the day with two “friends,” one a writer, the other a musician, and engaged in some social activities with them. I didn’t like it, but didn’t say anything until later when she admitted she said it to literally see how I felt about it (in other words, to make me jealous and show that I care about her). She said she did it because I was sending her “mixed signals.” That’s when I told her how much I was in love with her. I’ve come to realize that Crystal is a woman, and just like a woman she will test me, and that if I pledge everlasting love to her she will lose respect for me. I feel I’ve made a huge mistake by starting to care about her. What’s worse is that my cards are all on the table. She knows exactly how I feel about her. Ever since I opened up, I can literally feel her Interest Level dropping slowly but surely into the mid-60s. My question is: What can I do now? I really care about the girl, she knows it, and I don’t know if I can make myself a Challenge to her anymore. Dumping her is not an option at this time, but I’ll have to resort to it if her Interest

Level keeps fading away. It has really made me angry that I’ve managed to lower her interest so much just by being honest and caring. Archie - who feels like giving up on love altogether

doc love's answer Hi Archie, Let me explain something to you first. “Who” you are is made up of a whole pile of good and bad things. What I tell you guys is simply this: Don't talk about the bad things. That’s all. Don’t verbalize your weaknesses. Now I’m not trying to make a phony out of you, but I want you to put your best foot forward. To you Psych majors: Society treats you depending on the way you act. If you’re dying to rob a bank and you don’t do it, you’re not going to jail. But if you act on that desire, you’re going to find yourself in the slammer. So actions are character.

you want her to be a man Archie, the reason you’re losing interest in women is that you want them to be like men, that’s your problem. But women are like cats and men are like dogs. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Dogs don’t purr and cats don’t growl.” But you don’t want to accept the fact that women are completely different from men and that they have different standards when it comes to romantic love. That’s the part that you don’t get and that you don’t want to buy into. I also don’t say that you have to keep your guard up. What I am saying is that when you talk to your mother, or a priest, or a police officer, you talk to them all in different ways. You’re being yourself, but I bet the conversations aren’t the same. You can be in love with a woman and she can see you for who you really are as long as you don’t verbalize it. If you’re with her all the time, you don’t see anybody else, you bring her flowers and candy, and you treat her like a million dollars -- it shows you love her. But, Archie, you’re dying to tell her. So I’m just saying don’t verbalize it. You can tell your dog you love her, but not your pussycat. Doc Love continues to explain why revealing too much will always lower her Interest Level...

say no to baggage There’s something else involved here. If Crystal has a lot of emotional baggage, she’s a loser. So right off the bat you have a big problem. Why are you with this girl in the first place? “The System” says don't date girls with emotional baggage. So, she should have been out. And you’ve been studying my course for five years and think it’s the truth? Well, it is, but you’re not acting on it.

What you should have said when Crystal laid this thing about her extracurricular activities on you was: “Honey, I’m glad you had a good time with those two guys.” When she mentioned your mixed signals, you should have said: "Tell me specifically what the mixed signals are and I’ll be happy to clear it up for you because I don’t want you getting mixed up on mixedup signals." But what you did instead was blab your guts out. I tell you 50 times in “The System” that you should never tell the woman you love her. And you coughed it up. Bad move, Archie.

too many cards on the table, dude It’s true that if you pledge everlasting love to a babe, she will lose respect for you. So what’s wrong with that? It happens to be the truth! It wasn’t a mistake to start to care about Crystal, but you shouldn’t have mouthed it. Your cards are all over the table because you have a big mouth and you went against my techniques. So whose fault is it that Crystal knows exactly how you feel about her? I have to say that you did learn something if you can feel Crystal’s Interest Level slipping. What can you do now? Go back and memorize the Dating Dictionary. You said it was almost memorized, but by your own admission it’s not. If it were memorized, you wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. For one thing you wouldn’t have a psycho girl on your hands, and you sure as heck wouldn’t be down on your knees telling her how much you adore her.

big mouth = no girl You can’t make yourself a Challenge now, Archie, because it’s too late. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “A slip of a lip can sink a ship, grasshopper.” It’s over with this babe. And you don’t have the option of dumping her because her Interest Level is already on the southbound train. When it hits 49%, you’re out. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You have no control over this relationship because you have a big mouth.” One final thing: You haven’t been honest and caring with Crystal, pal. You’ve been open and caring. There’s a big difference between being honest and being open. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “When you keep your mouth shut, you’re not being dishonest.” Remember, guys: Unless you do everything I tell you, you don’t have a chance.

Doc Love: Second Chances Hey Doc, I’m sure you’re extremely busy, but I need your coaching.

I have “The System” but, unfortunately, I did not apply the techniques. Shannon and I met at a time when I had just gotten dumped by a girl I still had feelings for and when I wasn’t ready to date, despite the fact that Shannon had everything I ever wanted in a girl. Also, Shannon had just broken up with her boyfriend of three years. Shannon really liked me and confessed she had a crush on me for a year before I even knew who she was.

jumping in too soon? Anyhow, we started dating; however, I told Shannon that it was not monogamous and that I thought it was too soon for her to jump into another relationship (and that the same applied to me). Nonetheless, we became very close, but then my ex reappeared and I started seeing her as well. Shannon found out that I was seeing other women and distanced herself from me. We ended our romantic relationship and became just friends; she started seeing someone else. Once I realized that it would not work between my ex and me, I tried to win Shannon back, but that didn’t work either. A few months later I bumped into Shannon and, instantly, all of my feelings for her came back. I regretted that I cheated on her and wanted to make it right. I apologized and opened up to her. She basically said that her feelings were entirely gone and that she only wanted a friendship with me. I let her go and did not contact her anymore.

confusion means low interest level We’ve had sporadic contact since then, and this past Saturday Shannon invited me for coffee. She said that she likes me but is confused, and that her ex took so much out of her that she’s not ready for a boyfriend; the thought of a relationship makes her cringe. She said that I don’t have a second chance, but that I could “earn” one. Doc, I get the vibe that she’s lost her interest in me and that I’m too available. Shannon said that maybe in the future there could be a her and me -- you know the things women say -- but that it was basically to not burn her bridges. You always say that once it’s gone, there’s no going back -- but I think Shannon’s the one for me. Is the dynamic different since I’m the one who destroyed the relationship? She even says that the fact that I had such low Interest Level in the beginning put her off. Now the roles have reversed. Any insight would help. Thanks. Ichiro - who probably blew it but wonders about second chances

doc love's answer Hi Ichiro, It’s sad that you didn’t apply my techniques to your dating dilemmas. In other words, you gave me money to coach you to do the right things, but what you did instead were all the

wrong things -- as in, the things you’ve been doing all along anyway that have made you a flop with women. Hey, makes a lot of sense to me. So Shannon had a crush on you for a whole year going in? In other words, before you even had a date with her she dug you from a distance; so, hopefully you would have used all that credit to your advantage. Did you? No. You went and told her right off the bat that your relationship was not monogamous. Huh? Why would you bring up a serious subject? Why did you tell this girl anything negative? Your job is to raise her Interest Level, not have serious talks about monogamy. To you Psych majors: Having heavy-duty talks about not being faithful does not raise Interest Level. There’s no joke or anything lighthearted in that discussion. Doc Love breaks down why second chances should be avoided at all costs next...

moving too quickly How can you say what’s too soon for either of you? You’re complete strangers, pal. You don’t even know each other. So, you jumped the gun -- and you shouldn’t be jumping into anything. You should have just gone out with Shannon to see whether you could raise her Interest Level and find out about her Attitude. Instead, you started seeing your ex. So now you’re cheating on your new girlfriend? Ichiro, you don’t do that. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “If you want to see your old girlfriend, you’re not ready for a new one.” Shannon should have distanced herself from you when she found out you were cheating on her. And when you ended your relationship with her and she started seeing someone else, you were out forever. Of course getting Shannon back didn’t work. It never works. It’s not supposed to work. Ichiro, you broke this girl’s heart. Why should she come back? When you bumped into her again I’m sure all of your feelings came flooding back. But you don’t mention anything whatsoever about Shannon’s feelings flooding back. Dude, her feelings are the only ones that count. But it looks like you didn’t get that far in my program.

staying friends with an ex Now let me tell you something about the word “friendship": Nobody stays friends with his ex. At best, they stay “friendly.” If you see your ex on the street, you might talk for a minute or two, then you’ll keep walking and that’s the end of it. You’re not going to date, you’re not going to have coffee, you’re not going to call her once a week -- which is what real friends do. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You’re lucky if you have one or two true friends in your whole life.” Yet everyone throws the word “friendship” around like a beach ball.

If the thought of a relationship makes this girl cringe, what do you think her Interest Level is - especially in you? This whole thing about a second chance is a waste of time, my friend. It’s a contradiction. You don’t have a second chance, so how can you ever earn one? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “That’s like saying two and two equals four most of the time.” But you think she’s lost her Interest Level and you’re too available. Apparently you did read a couple of pages of the Dating Dictionary. It doesn’t matter who destroyed the relationship between you and Shannon. The point is that it’s over. And by the way, your low Interest Level in the beginning didn’t really put Shannon off. She had a boyfriend at the time. She was on the sidelines watching you for a whole year while she was with that guy. When her boyfriend was on the way out in the third year, that’s when she got a crush on you. She went out with you when you were ready to go out. So despite of her negative utterances, she liked you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You can’t believe everything they tell you.” Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Keep Her Around Hey Doc, I recently picked up a copy of “The System.” But I have a situation on my hands and I could really use some coaching. Tessa and I have been friends for a long time. We both come from small towns. She and I are the same age and have a lot of mutual friends. We’ve always been very flirty with each other, but for the most part we have always been just friends. We grew apart during our college years, and then she spent a few years traveling the world. Now she’s through traveling and she’s landed a nice job back home. I first ran into Tessa again a few weeks ago. We picked up right where we left off with the flirting, but now it’s gone to a new level. Doc, I really like this girl. She’s smarter and prettier than ever and we get along great. She definitely has high Interest in me. She invited me on a few unofficial dates that I declined. These were perfect opportunities for us to make the switch from being friends to being more than friends. Since I declined, I’m pretty sure her Interest Level has only gone up. Getting the girl is not my problem now thanks to your program. I know what I have to do. My problem is that I’m not ready for a girlfriend! My friends and I are going on spring break in Florida in a few months. So while I really like Tessa, I think I shouldn’t start anything with her right now. I’ve been in a similar situation before and it didn’t work out well.

Today, Tessa asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink tomorrow night. I told her I was busy, so she asked me to go out another night. I told her I would get back to her. Doc, how do I play this out? If I keep declining these dates, am I going to give Tessa the impression that I’m not interested in her? How do I keep her Interest Level up so that I can start something with her after spring break? Or, do I just go for it now and deal with the spring break issue when it comes up? Thanks! Danilo - who wonders if keeping her around is a waste of time Hi Danilo, The thing that’s really curious about your situation is that you never once asked Tessa out in all the years you knew her. If you had a high Interest Level in this girl, you would have asked her out long ago. So why didn’t you? You have to ask yourself this question before you can finally figure out what to do, pal. What your inaction regarding Tessa is telling me is that you don’t have a high Interest Level in her. When Tessa asked you out, you should have accepted the dates and made them “official.” Why didn’t you take the opportunity to make your relationship into something more than “just friends?” You could have used the dates to find out whether there was anything more to your interaction with Tessa than endless flirting that goes nowhere. So, at this point you turned Tessa down twice. To you Psych majors: It’s one thing to turn a girl down once, but when you turn her down twice you’re no longer working Challenge -you’re telling her that you don’t like her. Now, wait a minute here. You haven’t even taken this girl out once and you’re telling yourself that you’re not ready for a girlfriend? How do you know for sure if you haven’t even tried? And here’s something else: Maybe Tessa would go out with you once or twice on an official date, find out that she doesn’t care for you as a boyfriend, and prefers to keep things on a “ just friends” level -- did you ever think of that? But you did nothing whatsoever and now Tessa’s asked you out again a couple of times, which makes four times that she’s invited you out. Know what your problem is, Danilo? You don’t dig this girl. You dig her high Interest Level in you, but you actually don’t like her -romantically. Anytime a girl asks you out four times and you decline, you don’t have a high Interest Level in her. So, you can’t play this out with Tessa because you don’t like her. Forget all this stuff about spring break. The simple truth of the matter is that you don’t dig this girl and you don’t want to go out with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If you had any real interest in this babe, you wouldn’t even be thinking about spring break!” And from what you’re telling me, Danilo, you don’t want to even give yourself the chance to see whether you could have a high Interest Level in her. So you’re rationalizing here, buddy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “This whole spring break issue is nothing but a smokescreen for your lack of real feelings.”

Do I think you’ll give Tessa the impression that you don’t like her? You’ve already given her that impression! And why do you care about her Interest Level being high when you don’t care about her? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You’re just using this girl’s attention to stroke your own ego.” The truth of the matter is that if you really dug Tessa, you could deal with the spring break issue when it came up. But you don’t, so there’s no point in even putting yourself through this meaningless debate. Know where your Interest Level really is, Danilo? With the girls on the beach in Florida. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What you really care about is all those drunk babes running around in skimpy bikinis.” I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, guy. But you’re not copping to the fact that you never really wanted to go out with Tessa in the first place. Remember, guys: If you’re not interested in a girl, don’t waste her time.

Doc Love: Long-Distance Dating Hey Doc, I’m an owner and follower of “The System." I started seeing Chantelle about eight months ago, and I know from your book that long-distance relationships never work. However, because of the economy (I got laid off) I had to move back to my mom’s house, and Chantelle and I could only see each other about once a month. Before I left, she told me she still wanted to work it out; we decided to continue with our relationship. Knowing that long-distance dating doesn’t work, I told her that if we weren’t reunited within six months that we would have to call it off no matter how we felt about each other at that time. Well, this ultimatum seemed to have brought Chantelle even closer to me, and she said that she would move in with me wherever I find a job after the six months. I told her that would be OK as long as she has a “plan” for what to do with herself. (Doc, Chantelle hasn’t started going to college yet and she’s 24.) Now Chantelle is saying that she is going to go to college and that she hasn’t written off moving in with me, but that it might have to be postponed. The semester will not be over until several months down the line, and the end of the six-month period I proposed is due much sooner. Doc, what should I do now? This girl is an awesome flexible Giver and I don’t want to lose her. Thanks for your coaching and insight.

Butch - who’s painted himself into a corner Hi Butch, You have two huge things working against you straight out of the gate. First of all, you’re out of work. Now let me assure you that I sympathize with your situation. These days it’s tough out there, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, you can’t work women when you’re broke.” To you Psych majors: You have to have money in your pockets if you’re going to date women or try and have a relationship with one. So, I hope you’re out there looking for a job 10 hours a day because in the current job market you’re going to have a hard time finding something. Second, as far as moving in with your mom is concerned, there’s nothing wrong with that in itself, but you have to get out of there as soon as possible. Trying to date when you’re sitting in your mom’s living room and broke is not the most attractive proposition for any woman. As far as seeing Chantelle once a month goes, it’s not going to work. You can’t see a girl only once a month and expect to hold her Interest Level. It’s impossible, and I don’t care if she lives right across the street. Nevertheless, you gave this girl an ultimatum that if everything didn’t work out within six months, it was all over. So here you are with absolutely no leverage in your life, and you’re handing Chantelle deadlines and ultimatums. The problem isn’t that something has to happen with her in six months, my friend, the problem is that something has to happen with you -- the sooner the better. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, you should be giving yourself an ultimatum, not your girlfriend.” Because you’re the one who lost his job, Butch. You’re the one who’s living with his mother -- not Chantelle. You’re trying to put the onus of all these problems on her instead of on yourself, which is where it belongs. It’s your responsibility to get your life going in the right direction again, not hers. That’s why you should have kept your mouth shut and not set this crazy deadline, which doesn’t do you any good whatsoever. Instead, you’re worried about whether Chantelle is going to attend college. But you should be worried about your future, guy. You’re the one with the major issues here. Chantelle got herself together and she’s going to college, so leave her alone. But you’re broke, you’re mooching off your mom and you’re talking about living with a girl? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “That’s some stretch, dawg!” In other words, it’s completely unrealistic, and my job is to help you face reality. Since your hard six-month deadline conflicts with the end of Chantelle’s college semester, that’s another reason you shouldn’t have given her any kind of ultimatum. What she does with her life has absolutely nothing to do with this deadline of yours. And that’s why my program says no ultimatums. You need to look at the Dating Dictionary again, buddy. And again, remember to look at your own predicament before you harp on Chantelle’s: You’re broke and living with your mom.

What should you do now? Well, you better hustle for a job and hope that Chantelle forgets all about your six-month deadline and doesn’t decide to find someone else who isn’t so rigid when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on -- like you. Like my cousin General Love says: “To give an ultimatum when you have no power is the dumbest thing in the world.” Good luck, Butch. Remember, guys: The problem with ultimatums is that you can’t take them back.

Doc Love: Dating A Friend’s Ex Hey Doc, I recently got caught up in something and I need your coaching. Basically, I don’t buy into this whole “don’t date your friend’s ex” thing. I think as long as they are over and done with for good, the girl is fair game -- if she didn’t break my friend’s heart by cheating on him. Anyway, Jeff and I aren’t anything more than friends. We don’t call each other to hang out. We do play together on two hockey teams, and that’s about it. Jeff went out with Ashley for three years and they had their on-and-off moments during that time. Jeff cheated on Ashley, she found out, and they have now been broken up for three months. Jeff is dating another girl now, and last week I dated Ashley. I told Jeff about it straight up, like a man. He flipped out, getting very angry with me and calling Ashley a tramp. Now it’s not like Ashley and I went out to spite him or anything. We are merely two single people just having fun. I don’t think Jeff should be all ticked off at me because he is the moron who cheated on Ashley. Anyway, Doc, what do you think? Am I a totally despicable friend because I don’t abide by “the man law” (which is that you are not supposed to go out with a friend’s ex)? If I never talk to Jeff again I really couldn’t care less, but I just want to know if I did something wrong. Thanks! Bam - who feels vaguely like a criminal because dating a friend’s ex might be wrong. Hi Bam, You might not buy into this “don’t date your friend’s ex” thing, but most guys do. I think it’s great that you aren’t fettered by that rule, but to you Psych majors: 90% of the guys out there don’t want to hear about their exes being with anybody they know -- friend or otherwise. So, treating someone’s ex as fair game as long as she didn’t cheat on your friend is your rule, pal. That’s the way you happen to look at things. You’re actually being very logical here, but

like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Romantic love is not logical. It’s highly illogical and all emotion.” Another problem with your philosophy in this situation is that you really don’t know why Ashley and Jeff broke up or the circumstances of the breakup. And you don’t know whether Jeff is still carrying a torch for this girl. But what you can be sure of is that no matter what happened between these two, it’s likely that you’re treading on very volatile ground here -whether or not you realize it. Now as far as Jeff goes, it’s true that you’re really not friends. You’re just acquaintances. You’re friendly, but like my cousin General Love says: “You’re not getting into a foxhole together anytime soon.” A friend is someone you’ve known for a long time and that you hang out with and call two or three times a week. Jeff is not that guy. You’re on a friendly basis, you’re cordial, but you’re really nothing more than hockey teammates. But the problem still is that Jeff knows you. Now, who told you that Jeff cheated on Ashley? Did Jeff tell you himself? Or did Ashley tell you? Who’s the source of information here, and what does the other person have to say about it? Can you trust the source? These are very important questions, my friend. The vast majority of the time women get rid of guys first or set it up so that the guy leaves. What if Ashley accused Jeff of cheating on her and he really didn’t? What if Jeff was just talking to a girl and she wrongly accused him because she was looking for an out and she wanted him to do her dirty work? So you were stupid for telling Jeff about Ashley “straight up, like a man” because you don’t have a clue what really transpired. Here’s something else: You don’t know why Ashley went out with you. What if she went out with you to spite Jeff because he did cheat on her but she has no real interest in you? She might just have wanted to rub it in his face; did you think of that? I’ve got news for you -- it happens. So whose version of events are you going to believe? Did you see Jeff cheat on Ashley? Were you there with a camera? Again, you really don’t know the facts. Jeff went with this girl for three years -- a long, long time. What you should have said to Ashley if you were going to see her was this: “Listen, I’m going out with you, but no way do I want it getting back to Jeff.” You could have gone out with her two or three times, realized that she was no good, and then just dropped her and Jeff would never have known a thing about it. And you would have gotten rid of her and your teammate would have stayed happy because he was blissfully ignorant of the truth. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Now you have to worry that this dude might swing a hockey stick at you in the parking lot.” Since you opened your mouth, you can bet that Jeff doesn’t have your back anymore. What do I think? Well, if Jeff was your best friend, I would say you did something wrong. But you didn’t. The real problem is that he knows you, like I said. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Guys are very strange when it comes to their exes.” And the reaction could come down the road a piece. A guy could even say to you, “Sure, go out with my ex, I don’t care,” and at the moment he might really mean it. But when he thinks about it later and finds out you really did go out with her, he might flip out -- like Jeff did -- even

though it’s completely over between him and his ex. That’s the way most men are wired and that’s how they react. Remember, guys: be very, very careful about how you handle another guy’s ex.

Doc Love: When She’s Never Wrong Hey Doc, Rachel and I have been dating for about two years. We party and have a merry time, but whenever we have an argument like all couples do, she always seems to have the upper hand. We are both extremely prideful, but I will admit usually within an hour or so that I was wrong or that at least her point has merit. When she is wrong though, it’s an entirely different matter. In her mind she’s never wrong and she will never admit it if she is. She acts as if I know nothing whatsoever and that not agreeing with her makes me an idiot. Sometimes in these situations I will back down just to avoid a seemingly pointless argument over something that will never happen again. But the reason I’m writing is because I have hit a problem that is going to recur. Rachel can’t drive. I have a scooter and she drives it in a very sloppy manner, such as stopping too late and driving too fast. Driving is one of those things that people get very offended by when they are called on their lack of skill. What’s not making it any better is that I took the responsible measure of not allowing Rachel to drive anymore until she listened to me for three minutes and at least promised that she would try to take it to heart. Naturally, she’s never wrong and won’t listen to whatever words of wisdom I have to offer when it was me who taught her to drive in the first place. I can usually get her to stop being mad at me by ignoring her for a few days or grovelling for a few hours, but this is not how I want our relationship to be anymore. Doc, how can I get Rachel to treat me as an equal? Denny - who is sick and tired because she’s never wrong Hi Denny, First of all, let me straighten you out on something. All couples don’t argue. Ninety percent of couples argue. Ten percent of all couples sit down calmly and discuss things rationally. And, ironically, they have the healthiest relationships. You tell me that both you and Rachel are prideful. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Pride is a fault, not a virtue.” Neither one of you should have so much pride. Why do either you or Rachel cling to pride in a supposedly loving relationship? Now, if Rachel is never wrong, are you really telling me that you want to live with her for the next 50 years? You want to actually be with a person forever who will never admit that she’s wrong? Can you imagine what that is going to do to your Interest Level? Lots of luck, Denny. You’re going to need it, because you'll be trapped.

But the more disturbing point is this: You’ve already been going with this girl for two whole years -- two whole years full of arguments and Mexican standoffs. If you had my program and used it, you would have gotten rid of Rachel after five or six dates. Denny, you’re not going to change this woman now. What you see is what you get. As Elvis Presley once said: “Well, a hard-headed woman, a soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began.” And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Elvis was right.” You’re doing all the compromising here, pal. Rachel only does what is good for her. She never thinks about what is good for the relationship. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “This woman has a psychological problem. Unless she’s in control, she will never be happy.” And she’s not ever going to really be happy -- she just wants to be in control, because if she gave in, you would love her more and she would be happier. But she’s too stupid to see that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Your girlfriend is an idiot.” The sloppy driving issue is not really the big problem here, buddy -- it’s actually trivial. What you don’t understand is that the really big problem is going to recur, which is that Rachel is never going to give in. You’re going to be married to her until you’re 85 years old and any time a disagreement pops up it’s going to have to be her way or the highway. That’s the problem here. And it’s a very tough one because it pollutes this woman’s entire personality. If Rachel drives poorly, why not just tell her that she can’t use your vehicle again? Not everyone gets offended when you call him or her on his or her lack of driving skill -- only your girlfriend does. So don’t project and don’t rationalize the fact that Rachel is a jerk. And why are you lecturing her? You just told me that she never listens to you. Are you nuts or something? Face reality. Your girlfriend is intransigent. She will never change. And you shouldn’t have wasted two years with her. Why did it take you two whole years to figure this out? You should have had my program, and, like I said, in five or six weeks you would have been out of there. Instead of ignoring Rachel for a few days, you should tell her to get lost for a month. Say to her: “Get back to me in a month if you’re not going to learn to compromise. If you have to win all the arguments, I don’t want to be with you.” Denny, you’ve been a wimp in this relationship, and that’s why Rachel is steamrolling over you. When you say that you have to grovel, right there you’re admitting that you’re a wuss. How can you train Rachel to treat you as an equal? She’ll treat you as an equal as soon as you get rid of her. Of course then she’ll be gone for good. Remember, guys: if a woman never compromises, she will make you miserable over the long haul.

Doc Love: She's Not Following The Rules Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Rachael for three and a half months now. I’ve read “The System” and have been trying to be a Challenge, but Rachael just ignores me when I back off calling her. At first we talked once a day and went on dates every other day. In our talks we would just ask each other how the other’s day was. I’ve learned from your program that this was a mistake. Now I only call her to schedule dates, but she seems to get upset that I don’t talk to her every day anymore. She actually complained to one of my friends that I don’t talk to her enough and only want to see her on certain days. Rachael always touches me and I take this as a positive sign, but she never opens up to me emotionally. After trying to be more of a Challenge to her I don’t feel like she is chasing me any more than she did in the beginning. She lives about 100 yards away from me so it’s tough for me to not see her every day, though I make sure not to. I’m not sure why, but I just have a gut feeling that Rachael is not happy when I don’t call her every day. When I invited her to eat dinner the other day she did not seem all that enthusiastic. I don’t want to mess up with Rachael and I need your coaching. What should I do? Should I keep on putting her off and seeing her only twice a week or should I see her more often? Rudolf - who is frustrated because she’s not following the rules Hi Rudolf, Know what, dude? Let Rachael ignore you when you don’t call her. It’s totally OK. You’re only going to do what “The System” says you should do, and you’re not going to care what the girl thinks or how she reacts. Like my cousin General Love says: “From now on you’re going to act like a real man.” The fact of the matter is that you are seeing Rachael too much. And now you’re trying to break a pattern, and that’s the problem. To you Psych majors: Once you get a woman accustomed to a certain behavior, it’s tough to undo. You have to turn the water down slowly. You can’t just do a 180-degree turnaround and shut it off abruptly. It’s very nice that you and Rachael ask each other how your days are. But you should be doing it on the date, face-to-face, so Rachael can grab your hand and stroke your cheek and you can see how bright her eyes are merely from being in her presence. The most important thing is to grade her Interest Level, and you can only do that when you’re with her in the flesh. It’s not a federal violation if you don’t talk to Rachael every single day. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “You ain’t reportin’ to your parole officer, dawg.” So this is the way it’s going to be. It’s fine to only see Rachael on certain days, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re going

to get in line or she’s going to get in line.” In other words, Rudolf, you’re going to get trained or Rachael’s going to get trained. What do you mean by saying Rachael doesn’t open up to you emotionally? She’s opening up by telling you she wants to be with you every five minutes. So, you’re contradicting yourself. You’re actually contradicting yourself all over the place. This girl is reacting to your being a Challenge by wanting to be with you all the time and wanting to talk to you constantly. But she’s doing it in a passive-aggressive way, which you’re not going to fall for either. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You deal with a passive-aggressive woman by not reacting.” Guy, you have to practice Self-Control until Rachael says “I’m going to change” or she says goodbye. Her choices are that she’s going to fall into line with what you want or she’s going to leave you -- that’s it. Period. You’re not going to change. Don’t sweat it if she doesn’t chase you any more than she did in the beginning. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re not gonna give a hoot about the pussycat’s feelings.” It’s good that you don’t see Rachael every day. You don’t want to be bumping into her all the time as well as talking to her a couple of times a week. Again, it’s fine that Rachael isn’t happy when you don’t call her every day. Pal, you’re not here to make her happy; you’re here to raise Interest Level via Challenge. When Rachael wasn’t enthusiastic about going out to dinner with you, you should have withdrawn the offer. You should have said: “Honey, are you a little sick or down or something? You don’t seem that happy about going out.” And then you should have said: “Let’s do dinner some other time,” and then canceled the date. Like I said before, you’re going to get her in line or you’re going to walk. Rudolf, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve already messed up with Rachael. What we’re trying to do now is clean up the mess. And that means you’re not going to sit on the phone with her every day and you’re only going to see her twice a week. Most importantly, you’re going to hold your ground. Remember, guys: In every relationship, someone gets trained.

Doc Love: You're All-In, But She's Not Hey Doc, I hope you can be patient with me. I did everything wrong and I know it.

too much, too soon I’m 28 and work with an amazing girl, Kelsey. From the very first moment I saw her I thought she could be the one. I wanted to meet her like crazy but I didn’t go for it for two reasons: First of all, because she is so beautiful that I wouldn’t even dream that a girl like her

would be available. Second, I’m not a fan of dating people I work with. But I really liked her! One day, a few months after I first saw her, we talked on the phone for a business reason. The talk was so warm that she invited me to her office for coffee. We met, and I could sense that she liked me too. At that point we started talking via e-mail. Everything looked good so I asked for her phone number and called her the same night. She started bombing me with calls. She even asked if I was single.

two strikes and a base hit A few days later, Kelsey said that she just came out of a five-year relationship. (She dumped the guy.) She told me it was a bad period for her and she didn’t want to rush things, but she liked me a lot and wanted to take it really slow. Over the following days I asked her twice to go out, but she said it was too soon. I didn’t ask her again and suddenly, one night, she said she wanted to see me the following day. We went out for a drink and then she asked me to take her to the beach. I tried to kiss her but she backed off. She told me that kissing me would make things more complicated because then she would start to feel things for me. I told her no problem, take your time and perhaps we can go out some other time if you want to. Then she grabbed me and kissed me and we made out for hours. I left with the feeling that we finally made a start. The next night, I was out with friends and sent Kelsey a couple of instant messages early in the morning; she didn’t reply. The next morning Kelsey told me that she felt pressure. She kissed me at the beach because she thought that she could overcome that feeling of pressure, but it didn’t work out for her after all. She told me that at the moment she couldn’t offer anything to me. All she wanted is to be with her friends and have fun. I told her that she can have as much space and time as she wants, and that I like her so much I can wait for her to clear her mind.

he’s all-in We haven’t spoken for days since, apart from one time at work for business. I know I rushed things a hell of a lot and revealed too much. I know that I probably did all the wrong things because I'm stuck on her, but please coach me. My question is: What should I do now? I want Kelsey. I am sure you think I’m an idiot, but Kelsey is the woman of my life. Her birthday is next week. Should I give her a present? Send flowers? Thanks for any insight. Shelton - who’s all-in, but she’s not

doc love’s answer Hi Shelton,

When you do everything wrong and you know it, why don’t you slow down instead and do everything right? If you have an opportunity with a girl, why don’t you practice Self-Control and stop yourself from rushing headlong into rejection? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “It doesn’t make any sense to keep making the same mistakes over and over, does it? That’s just crazy!” Being all-in when she’s not is a problem that more guys than just Shelton encounter… Dude, you don’t know that Kelsey is an amazing girl. She’s a complete stranger to you. You know nothing whatsoever about her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “For all you know, she’s a serial killer.” And you might think she’s the one for you, but what does she think?

no woman is that beautiful If you thought that Kelsey was so beautiful that you couldn’t get her, then you’re underrating yourself. If I trained you, you’d think that she was the lucky one to get you. It’s true that you could lose your job over dating someone you work with, but the more important point here is that you’re always talking about how much you like her and not at all about how much she likes you. I’ve said a thousand times that it’s only the woman’s Interest Level that counts -not yours. It’s great that Kelsey invited you over for coffee because it indicated incoming interest. But how could you “sense” that she liked you? What did she do that convinced you of this, pal? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Was it only a figment of your imagination, my son?”

giving away the store Instead of gabbing by e-mail, you should have disappeared instead. You’re on the friendship path here, and you’re also giving away the store. Plus, from the beginning you admitted that this was all a big mistake. So why don’t you abide by the rules of “The System"? It’s because your Interest Level is in the stars and you can’t practice Self-Control. And that means you’re going to lose. Like my cousin General Love says: “The soldier with the most Self-Control stays alive and wins the war.” Why did you call this girl the same night that you got her phone number? You’re supposed to wait a week. Again, you have no Self-Control -- whatsoever. Of course Kelsey dumped her ex. She’s beautiful, isn’t she? When she told you that she wanted to take it slow, you should have listened to her. I’ve interviewed over 10,000 women and their biggest complaint is that men push too hard. If they would just sit back, relax and go in slowly things would work out a lot better. So when you asked Kelsey out and she said it was too soon, you shouldn’t have pressed the issue. When you ask a girl out twice and she

refuses, it doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or too late or the moon is green -- it’s over. And that’s it.

mauled at the beach When Kelsey told you out of the blue that she wanted to see you, I know you didn’t say you were busy because that would have been working Challenge and showed her that you were a real man. Instead, you were mauling her at the beach. You don’t kiss a woman at the beach; you kiss her at the doorstep when you drop her off. When Kelsey told you that you were making things complicated, it was Womanese for: “You’re rushing in way too fast!” But then you told her that you wanted to go out with her in the future. Why are you talking about the future? This is one more anti-Challenge boner. Have you ever read even one of my articles, ever, Shelton? Instead of making out with this babe for hours, you should have pushed her away. You should have said: “Please, don’t kiss me. You’re pushing things too fast and I need my space and we have to go really slowly,” which is what she had just told you. You should never instant message a woman -- ever. Kelsey didn’t reply to your messages and you asked her out twice, so you’re out. Again, you’re like a bull in the proverbial china shop, buddy. Know why this girl felt pressure? Because you’re pushing too hard. And by the way, if she’s experimenting with you to see if she’ll feel pressure, she’s a little loony!

if you love something, set it free… What should you do now? Back off. No contact. Let Kelsey come at you. Do I think you’re an idiot? Shelton, I don’t think you’re smart enough to be an idiot. Kelsey might be the woman of your life, but are you the man of hers? I think you should give her a new Mercedes for her birthday, guy. But seriously, you’re not sending her any flowers because she’s not your girlfriend. You’re not sending her anything -and that includes even a card. Remember, guys: unless you practice Self-Control, you will never, ever be successful with women.

Doc Love: Dealing With Rejection Hey Doc, I’ll cut to the chase. I got Amanda’s number, waited a week to call like “The System”

instructs, set up a date four days in advance and didn’t see or call her until then. Date night came along and we went to a nice chill-out spot where we shot some pool, hung out and drank. Amanda was giving me buying signals galore, touching, laughing, and her eyes were lit up like a Christmas tree. She even had the audacity to give me a smack on the butt when it was my turn to take a pool shot.

perfect use of doc love's rules At the conclusion of the date, we walked back to the car and when I went to open her door, boom, she grabbed me and went for the kiss. Like you say, Doc: “When they like you, they let you know.” On the way back home, she said: “I’m not very tired. Can we go over to your place and watch a movie or something?” The old me would have said: “Sure, why not? I’m not doing anything.” However, “The System” teaches that you drive the woman to and from one destination when you make these dates. And, also, even though I badly wanted to take her to my place, I remember that one must have Self-Control and discipline, so I refrained. I said: “You know, I have to get up early tomorrow to get some work done.”

getting rejected Now this was where it got a little choppy. When I dropped her off at her apartment, I said: “Let me walk you to your door.” She said: “No, I’m fine.” Then I hugged her and went for the good night kiss, but she turned her face and gave me her cheek. (This was after she gave me all those buying signals, which made me believe her Interest Level was as high up as Mount Everest.) I was upset but held my composure. My question is this: Could Amanda’s Interest Level have plummeted so fast? Did she throw a hissy fit because I turned her down for a movie at my place? I’d really appreciate your insight on this scenario. P.S. You’re the man, Doc. Oprah, Dr. Phil and all those “wannabe” love doctors can kick rocks because you tell it like it is, no ifs, ands or buts about it. And that’s how it should be told. Trenton - who’s trying to be better than Doc Love, but won't be until he gets better at dealing with rejection

doc love's answer Hi Trenton, It’s great that you made a date for four days after you called Amanda, but you might even want to make the date five to eight days later. The longer you wait before that first date, the more you’ll drive her crazy with anticipation. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Never underestimate the power of Challenge.” There’s no question that all of the buying signals Amanda was showing you were great. But

the more important question is this: Will she be doing the same thing after 10 to 12 dates? Dealing with rejection can be tough and Doc Love is here to help...

guys don't get challenge It’s likewise beautiful that you told Amanda you had to get work done when she came on to you. Fewer than 90% of the guys out there could have done what you did. What’s worse is that it would never even enter the minds of that same 90%. Trenton, most guys wouldn’t even consider the possibility of doing what you did. Instead, they think: "Hey, she’s coming on to me -- why not? But you still have to show Self-Control in the face of an onslaught of incoming attention from a woman. And this is what the vast majority of men do not understand about Challenge. Now, where you went wrong with Amanda was when you didn’t kiss her at her front door. You shouldn’t be kissing a girl in the street or leaning on the car. When Amanda said that you didn’t have to escort her to her front door, you should have let her walk. But you didn’t. Your Self-Control escaped you for the moment and you grabbed her and tried to kiss her instead. You shouldn’t have done that. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you lose your selfpossession for even a few seconds, you lose ground.”

keeping your cool I know that Amanda gave you all kinds of buying signals in the bar, but, like I said, it doesn’t mean anything. For you Psych majors, until you get to 10 or 12 dates, nothing counts. But it’s commendable that even though you were upset you held onto your composure and didn’t let Amanda know she got to you. Your study of my material is serving you well, and once you clear up some minor mistakes, you’re going to be on top of your game, guy. Amanda’s Interest Level didn’t plummet fast, Trenton. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “The beer wore off, that’s all.” She might have been playing a game with you by paying you back for not taking her up on her offer to go and hang at your place, but everything else basically went great on your date. So wait another week, call her up, act like nothing happened, and ask her out again. Then, if you make it to 10 or 12 dates and she’s still mauling you, you’ll know where you really stand with this babe. So you have a way to go, my friend.

the long kiss goodnight But remember: you kiss the girl at the front door. You don’t kiss her as you get out of the car and you don’t smooch her in a public place. And if she wants to walk to the front door by herself, that’s her prerogative. What you’re supposed to do is make sure she gets into her house safely and that she’s securely inside before you drive off. Remember, guys: at the end of the date, kiss her on her doorstep -- not anywhere else.

Doc Love: Final Decision Hey Doc, I’m 38 and dating two girls. Sheila is 22, goes to school and seems to have her life in order. She’s really sweet, very cute and I’m flattered that she’s so interested in me. I dated her for two months. We broke up because she wanted space and probably wanted to date another guy. So I gave Sheila her space, but now she wants to give it a second chance. The next day I met Morgan. She’s a 38-year-old, super-hot, long-legged blonde. I never had much in common with girls my own age, but I had everything in common with Morgan. She has her own business, is a single mom and is very romantic. I had a great time just hanging out with her. She has a cool pad and car and everything! Her teenage daughter is cool, too. But when I started hanging at her house, I saw that she has over 30 guys in her phone. It’s her work phone, granted, but it bothered me. I dated Morgan for a month (27 days in a row). At first she said she wanted me as a toy, but when I told her I wanted more, she started acting domestic and sweet. I really wanted to get involved with her, but I kept thinking, what if Sheila comes back? Morgan knew that Sheila was texting me but didn’t say anything except for: “Why doesn’t Sheila know about me?” I told Morgan that Sheila was just a friend.

too much too soon? After I introduced her to my mom, Morgan thought we were exclusive. We had a date that night but Sheila called and wanted to see me. I made up an excuse (that a friend needed my help) and canceled with Morgan. I got together with Sheila that night, and Morgan suspected something, got upset and blew up my phone with text messages. The next day, Morgan said my cancellation one hour before we were supposed to meet was disrespectful and that she doesn’t want to be treated like that. I told her that she was smothering me and had no right to get mad at me for canceling a date. I told her we shouldn’t see each other anymore, but she asked me to give it a couple days because she really enjoyed what we had and didn’t want to say goodbye. Now, I really like Morgan, but the way I see it, any guy could have her and she could dump me fast, as she likes being in control. But Sheila is 22 and I have her practically trained. Doc, how do I make a decision? Thanks for your coaching. Rex - who’s between a rock and a hard place Discover how Doc Love helps Rex make his decision...

doc love's answer

Hi Rex, You and Shelia didn’t break up. She dropped you because she wanted SPACE. And she wanted space because you were all over her. For you Psych majors: When you press a woman, she’ll want distance. When you back off from a woman, she chases you. Sheila probably didn’t even want to date another guy. The other dude probably had nothing on you whatsoever. It’s just rationalization on your part to think she suddenly had another guy and had to drop you. Rex, she wouldn’t want to be with another guy if you didn’t keep smothering her. That said, now that she wants you back, you can’t take her back. You get one shot per girl per lifetime. That’s it. Sheila’s out. Next.

it's all your insecurity Why does it bother you that Morgan has 30 guys in her phone list? You don’t know who these guys are. If she’s a beautiful woman, she will have 30 guys chasing after her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s that hot, she should have 130 guys on her tail.” And she probably could if she wanted them -- it’s no big deal. The point is that you can’t let it bother you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What are you, insecure or something?” Rex, you have to invest in “The System” and learn how to build up your selfconfidence and not worry about the competition. Because, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The only competition you have is you.”

she can't breathe Now let me be sure I have this right. You dated a woman 27 DAYS IN A ROW? Now I know for sure you don’t have my program! And now I can also understand why Sheila dropped you -- she was suffocating. It’s all as clear as a blue California sky. But 27 days in a row wasn’t enough. You told Morgan you wanted more. Rex, you never tell a woman you want more -- ever. The antithesis of Challenge is to tell a woman you want more of her attention. If you knew what you were doing, she would be telling you she wants more. And when she said she wanted you to be a toy, you should have said, “Honey, I’ll be an ice cream truck for you if you want!” Now let me get another thing straight. You’re telling me you want to get involved with Morgan, but you’re worried that Sheila might come back. You mean you’re worried about the girl that dropped you coming back? The only thing that you should be worried about is being weak, going back to Sheila and letting her dump you again. You’re fretting about the wrong thing, buddy!

the problem is you You told Morgan that Sheila was just a friend? Now you’re lying, Rex, and I don’t condone lying to women. You can keep your mouth shut with women, but do not lie to them. And by

the way, how did Morgan know that Sheila was texting you? You should have kept your cell phone in your pocket instead of letting her see what was going on. Morgan knows way too much about the other woman. Like my cousin General Love says, “Man, oh man, you’d make a lousy secret agent!” So, you dig two girls, but you’ve already brought one home to your mom? You don’t bring a girl home to your mother until you’ve got at least six months with her and she’s crying marriage! That’s when you should bring Morgan home -- not now! Boy, do you have a lot to learn, Rex. You lied again to Morgan when you said you were helping a friend. Know what your problem is, Rex? You’re a liar. It’s nice that Morgan doesn’t want to be disrespected, but it’s also funny how babes go ballistic when guys break dates, but never acknowledge men for the ones they keep. Amazing. But, Rex, if you told Morgan she was smothering you and had no right to tell you what to do, you must be a very handsome fellow to have gotten away with it. You have Sheila practically trained? How can you have a girl trained when she dropped you? Girls that are trained don’t dump their guys, I’m sorry to say. Which girl would I go for? Heck, I don’t know why either of these girls should have you! You’re a liar, and I don’t like liars. Neither do clinically sane women. Remember, guys: confident men don’t have to lie.

Doc Love: Hot And Cold Hey Doc, I’m a big fan of your column, and I've read “The System”. I was left confused by one of my most recent dating experiences and was wondering if you could coach me. I met Brooklyn about a year ago through a group of people we hang out with. She’s very pretty and classy. When I met her, she had a boyfriend, so I didn’t make a move. I didn’t really hang out with her a lot either. We talked a little bit at some social events, but I spent most of my time hanging out with other people. I found out about a month ago that she had broken up with her boyfriend. I hung out with her in a smaller group a couple times to watch her signals. They were good, so I asked her out. There was a very slight hesitation, but she said yes.

she seemed into me The first date went great. Brooklyn had her hand on my knee, held my hand, did most of the talking, and showed a lot of curiosity and interest. We laughed a lot and had a great time. We even kissed, although I may have made it a bit too short. She essentially asked me out on a second date the following week. I said I had to check my schedule and that I’d give her a call in a couple days. I called her three days later and she sounded excited about the date. She called me the next day and invited me to go to a restaurant event the group we met through was having. I had already planned on going and I told her that. So I went to the dinner. I wasn’t sure how she would act in a group, so I held back from the physical stuff, though I talked mainly to her. We had a good time.

confusing signals The next day Brooklyn called me and said she didn’t want to date anymore. She said she didn’t feel a connection with me and asked if I felt the same way. I said no and that I had a lot of fun on our dates. She said the first date was really fun, and it made her sad because we have so much in common. Doc, where did I make the mistake that caused her Interest Level to drop, or did I misread it initially? Oskar - who can’t figure her out Read on to find out where Oskar went wrong...

doc love's answer Hi Oskar, Good for you that you didn’t make a move on Brooklyn when you found out she had a boyfriend. To you Psych majors: When she has a boyfriend, stay away from her. Lots of guys try to work girls when they have boyfriends, but it’s a complete waste of time. When she has a boyfriend lurking around, you’re just asking for trouble. It was also good that you stayed away from Brooklyn early on. You have to stay away from a girl until the boyfriend disappears -- that’s the smart thing to do. And you did it. So you’re to be commended for that, Oskar. It shows you have developed some Self-Control.

she just wasn't that interested

That said, the slight hesitation Brooklyn showed when you asked her out was a huge red flag. Right away, you should have asked yourself the all-important question: Why? Why did she hesitate? The reason she hesitated, Oskar, was because she didn’t have high Interest Level in you. So right there, with that slight hesitation, you were in deep, deep trouble. You should have taken note of it and bailed right then and there. But you went ahead and took Brooklyn out anyway. Dude, you shouldn’t have kissed this girl at all on the first date. You kiss a girl on the second date on her doorstep -- that’s it. So you really jumped the gun here. Whether or not you knew it, you were already losing your composure and applying the pressure.

you missed your chance But you rebounded, and when Brooklyn asked you out for a second date you didn’t accept her offer. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You should jump on it like a dog who hasn’t eaten meat in a couple of years.” Nevertheless, it was a huge mistake to go out with the group. You met Brooklyn through that group, so you should have gotten away from it and changed the environment. Like “The System” says: No group dates. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You can’t sell 10 people. You’re only there to sell her.” Oskar, you’re there to sell Brooklyn, not the other nine people. I know that you held back from the physical stuff when you were with Brooklyn and the group, but you should have held back from the physical stuff on the first date. Kissing her tells me you were too touchy-feely on the first date. You’re never supposed to do that.

when it's over, it's over When Brooklyn told you she didn’t want to date anymore, it goes straight back to her hesitation when you first asked her out. You shouldn’t have told her you had a lot of fun on those first dates. You should have said, “I think you’re right -- I didn’t feel a connection either. But look, you’re a heck of a girl, and I hope you find a nice boyfriend.” And that should have been the end of it. Like my cousin General Love says: “When it’s over, you give them nothing.” Let me see if I can get this straight. Not wanting to see you makes Brooklyn sad because you have so much in common? Now she’s contradicting herself. She said she had fun, you have a lot in common -- but she doesn’t dig you. What the heck does that mean? Talk about Womanese! In the end, the problem here was that you misread Brooklyn’s Interest Level initially. That slight hesitation when you asked her for a date gave it all away.

Remember, guys: Until you get to 10 dates, nothing counts.

Doc Love: Keeping Cool When She's Too Warm Hey Doc, Big fan. Just started reading the Dating Dictionary for the fifth time. It’s been working bigtime. I get a lot of female attention and then just work Challenge from there. And man, did it work with Jade, a dangerous and very beautiful woman.

following all the rules I met her two years ago through her dad, a coworker of mine. I wasn’t practicing “The System” then, but while I’m not a “Three-Percenter,” I’m also no chump with women. I got your book and started putting the principles to work. The first thing I realized was that “availability is the antithesis of Challenge,” and I’ve been applying that ever since. Problem is, Jade lives in a different city. Earlier when she was in town on weekends, I would go and have a drink with her. Not anymore. This got her attention. It got to the point where she asked me out to dinner and said she would drive to see me. I kept it cool and said I’d let her know when I was free. I then got busy and we never had this date. She e-mails me a couple times a month and I always reply with something light, funny and positive.

too much challenge? Recently her dad had a party we both attended. I chose to chat up a cute brunette and mingle with the other guests rather than just focus on Jade. She didn’t like that. She told she me was upset that I was ignoring her. Later, we went out for a walk, and she told me that I had missed out on her and that she had a boyfriend. I said, with a smile: “Good luck with that.” She said that wasn’t what I was supposed to say. She told me she liked me and felt slighted that I didn’t accept her offer for dinner. I told her it was nothing personal, but more of a location thing. Anyway, she was giving me eyes all night and even said: “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” I replied: “You have a boyfriend, so that wouldn’t be appropriate.” I walked her home and she grabbed and kissed me. I broke it off, but she came back for more. I said she had soft lips and wished her a good night. From what I gather, her boyfriend is a wimpus americanus. She said that what she likes about him is that he talks about how many kids he wants and doesn’t play games. This guy also offered to fly her across the country to see him and has moved to her city to be with her. Plus, I can tell from pictures that his Interest Level is WAY higher then hers.

keeping it cool Jade and I haven’t really spoken recently except for an email where she told me she’s applied for jobs in my city. Apparently she’ll be in town this weekend so her boyfriend will get to meet her dad. I’m prepared to just wait this one out. My gut tells me it won’t last with the boyfriend. I’ll disappear until she gets bored and dumps him. My Interest Level is quite high in this girl. I’ve been dating others but they just don’t compare. It’s been tough to keep my emotions under control, but I have. I do worry that I might have been too much of a Challenge and that I bruised her ego a bit too much. Any advice on how to handle this? Ernst - who wants to come out a winner Find out where Ernst went wrong...

doc love's answer Hi Ernst, If you’ve read the Dating Dictionary five times, you only have ten more times to go. So take heart -- you’re already one-third of the way there. You may be getting better with women, but telling Jade you’d let her know when you were free was a huge mistake. To you Psych majors, when female attention is incoming, you have to grab it. When you rebuff her in this way, you’re insulting the girl -- and that has nothing to do with Challenge. You mean to tell me that you’re so busy you can’t make a date with Jade? It takes five minutes for a phone call and a few minutes more for lunch. You might always reply with something light, funny and positive, but you’re not getting the date, which is the most important thing. On the other hand, when you chatted up the brunette, you were really working Challenge by rubbing her in Jade’s face. Beautifully done, dude; that was great. Moreover, it was perfect that you wished her good luck with her boyfriend, because once a boyfriend enters the scenario, the entire game changes. And wishing her good luck was the perfect retort for when she dropped that bomb on you. So despite your one big error, you’re doing fine, Ernst. Of course, telling Jade good luck with her boyfriend wasn’t what she wanted to hear. But you’re not there to say what she wants to hear; you’re there to operate by the rules of “ “The System."

challenge shouldn't be an insult

That said, Jade had a right to feel slighted that you turned her down for dinner. But what you should have said to her at the time was that on account of the distance between you two, there was no reason to get something started. That would have been a much better way of handling it, and it sends her a very clear message at the same time. Now think about what happened next. This girl has a boyfriend, you’re working Challenge on her and she wants to know why you haven’t kissed her yet? Like my cousin General Love says, “So much for loyalty, soldier.” What this tells you is that Jade doesn’t dig her boyfriend; she’s just floating along with him. Her Interest Level in him is probably in the 50s, if that. Even more beautiful than the other things you said to her was that it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to kiss her since she has a boyfriend. That was another wonderful comeback, pal. Know why she wanted to keep kissing you? Because you were working Challenge. Resisting her drove her crazy. Nobody ever tells this girl "no." 90% of the men out there don’t even know what the word “NO” is. Yes, from what you’re telling me, Jade’s boyfriend is indeed a wimp -- a big wimp. Tell her that as soon as she moves into town and drops her boyfriend, you’ll go out with her. And it’s great that you’re prepared to wait it out. You’ve got it all going, Ernst. But until the boyfriend is dumped, you don’t do anything. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Patience is the key to women.” In the end, though, you probably did ride a bit roughly over Jade’s ego. You should have taken the date she offered. Other than that, you’re doing a splendid job, man. I’m proud of you. One more thing: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The next time she e-mails you, ask her if you can be the best man at her wedding.” Remember, guys: until her boyfriend is out of the picture, you have to practice patience.

Doc Love: Slow It Down Hey Doc, I’m kind of looking for an answer I can’t find in your book. Maybe you can coach me.

doing everything right I met Suzanne a year ago. After reading your book, I felt like trying out your techniques on her. I called her, fed her your lines and asked her out. The date went great. I kept it playful,

and we had lots of fun. She kept texting me (I only responded every now and then), and then I asked her out again. She couldn’t go out on the night I suggested, but she didn’t counter-offer. I blew it off and figured it was time to move on to the next one. Then I got a message from Suzanne asking if I wanted to go to lunch. We went, and everything was great again. On the next date we went out dancing and kissed. The next message I got from her blew me away. She wanted me to come and meet her family and watch her sister’s basketball game. I’m thinking she’s swallowed it hook, line and sinker! The next day I drove to her house and dropped off a birthday card to her, and we talked a little and kissed a few times. Within an hour of getting home, she texted me and out of nowhere said: “I really want to take things slow.” I’m like: “What? You just asked me to meet your parents!” She replied that she liked spending time with me but hasn’t been single for long. You have to understand that I applied absolutely no pressure to this girl at all!

opposing signals Doc, what the hell is going on here? So far what I’ve pulled from Suzanne is: 1) She likes spending time with me but might be a Professional Dater, 2) I might just be a rebound for her, 3) She is trying to cover up her own Interest Level (which, to be honest with you, I doubt). Can you please shed some light on this matter? I really like this girl and thought I was doing everything right so far, but I guess not. Vivaldi - who’s baffled by her Womanese desire to take it slow all of a sudden

doc love’s response Hi Vivaldi, First of all, pal, just because you can’t find a solution to one of your dating dilemmas in my book doesn’t mean it’s not there. What it does mean is that you haven’t read the Dating Dictionary or “The System” nearly enough.

warning signs Now, let’s get on to your problem. When you ask a girl out and she can’t go but doesn’t counter-offer, that means she's not interested in you. Because, as I have pointed out many times before to you Psych majors, when they like you, they help you. And this girl is not helping you. Read on to find out why Vivaldi needs to slow it down...

proceed with caution When Suzanne asked you to come and meet her family and see her sister’s ball game, you should have told her no because A) she didn’t make a counter-offer to your date invitation, and B) because it’s way too soon to meet her family. Vivaldi, you just met this girl, didn’t you? What are you doing meeting her family within a matter of days? What have I told you guys a million times already? You have to go in slowly. Like my cousin General Love says: “If you throw caution to the wind and charge into battle, you’re going to end up a slaughtered piece of meat.” But whether or not you’re aware of it, you charged in. Dude, why didn’t you just mail Suzanne’s birthday card to her? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “As far as I know, they still deliver the U.S. mail rain, sleet or snow.” Why did you have to make such a big deal out of it and make a hand delivery? Again, didn’t you just meet this girl? What’s the big rush?

if it sounds like a loon... When Suzanne told you she wanted to take things slowly minutes after begging you to meet her family and cheer for her sister, you should have known right then and there that you had a full-blown loon on your hands. It’s that simple. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “When you observe wild inconsistency within a matter of minutes, it usually indicates that the young lady has some kind of mental health problem.” And since you applied no pressure to Suzanne, “This girl just flew out of the cuckoo’s nest,” as the great Doctor Freud once said. Suzanne might like spending time with you, pal, but she might just be a Professional Nutcase instead of a Professional Dater. Are you just a rebound for her? Well, you haven’t pressured her, so she’s acting out of her own free will, right? As far as your theory about her concealing her high Interest Level, that’s just hopeful dreaming, my friend. Until you get to 10 or 12 dates with a babe, you can’t count anything. And to put it lightly, Vivaldi, this girl has behavioral problems, so you have to walk out on her. Remember, only clinically sane women need apply. One more thing: You have to realize that when you meet a woman, you know nothing about her whatsoever. She’s nothing but a complete stranger. So why in the world would you try to plunge into a deep relationship with her? Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and ask her to marry you? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “For all you know, she just walked out of a lunatic asylum -- or jail.” Remember, guys: When she displays inconsistent behavior, it means she doesn’t like you.

Doc Love: Waiting In Vain Hey Doc, I’m a reader of your articles and I’ve decided it’s time I got some advice from someone who can really coach me. So here’s the story. I’m a third-year medical student who fell for a classmate, Eva, a year ago. I decided to go for it, and have been trying to date her ever since. But she doesn’t want to get involved for three reasons. 1) She just got out of a five-year relationship with someone. 2) She’s a born-again Christian and is unsure about me since I’ve never been that religious. 3) The fact that we’re doing clinical rotations and now moving around to different areas for a limited amount of time would make it hard to be together. We haven’t seen each other now for a little over two months. The last time we did see each other we spent a good part of the night holding and kissing each other, but the conversation the next morning was pretty much that we couldn’t get into a relationship now because we’re going to be in a long-distance situation.

constant contact We keep in contact almost every day, either through phone calls or text messages. For the past week they’ve decreased in frequency and volume, so I’m not sure whether she’s losing interest, her ex is trying to get back in the picture or if she’s really been busy with the exam she has in the next few weeks. Regardless, I’ve made up my mind to break off contact until she reciprocates because it’s a basic psychological need to want what we don’t have anymore. My main question is: How do I keep her interested until we’re at a place in our careers in which we can settle down in one place and have meaningful relationships? Also, how do I keep in contact with Eva without looking like an overeager wussy? I pretty much know that we might not end up together, or if we do it’ll be after two years of our clinical duties, but if there’s a chance we can work it out, then I think Eva’s worth taking a chance on. Swanny - who can’t get her off his mind

doc love's answer Hi Swanny, If you really want to be coached, you have to get "The System." Reading my columns alone won’t do it. The columns, while packed with wisdom, merely function as an introduction to my program. You will never, ever be successful with women

without having my book. It’s vitally important that you understand this. Now let me get this straight. For one whole year you’ve been trying to get a date with this woman, and for one reason or another she can’t go out with you? Swanny, let me tell you something about you doctors. You have your noses stuck in the medical books for eight or nine years, but you know absolutely nothing about women and are sitting ducks for a mercenary. And that’s why all you physicians out there need my program. What are you waiting for, my friend?

why is she waiting? Now let’s take a look at all the reasons you think are responsible for subverting your attempts to have a relationship with Eva. 1) Just getting out of a five-year relationship is actually the second reason Eva doesn’t want to date you, and it has nothing to do with you. 2) Being a born-again Christian is actually the third reason Eva doesn’t want to date you, and again, it has nothing to do with you. 3) Doing clinical rotations is actually the fourth reason Eva doesn’t want to date you, and again, it has nothing to do with you. Read on for more of Doc Love's response to Swanny... You left out the No. 1 reason Eva doesn’t want to be with you, and you left it out because you don’t have “The System," therefore, you don’t understand the psychology of women. The No. 1 reason Eva wants nothing to do with you is because her Interest Level is south of 50%. That’s your real problem, Swanny: This woman has Low Interest Level in you. And by the way, buddy, women will never mention that to you. But you don’t know that because you don’t have my book.

your interest levels are way off You haven’t seen Eva for over two months and you actually think she’s interested in you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You been studying way too hard, Doc!” Gee, I hope you’re getting all As in med school because when it comes to women, you’re getting an F!" And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “I hope you’re not studying psychology.” The reason you and Eva are separated is not because you’re working in different areas. Again, it’s because she has low interest level. That’s what you don’t seem to understand. Your Interest Level is 100% and hers is 45%. She is not a keeper. What do you mean you keep in contact with this woman? The reality is that Eva doesn’t keep in contact with you. She’s not losing interest in you because she has no interest to lose.

you're waiting in vain You should have backed off from contacting Eva a year ago, Swanny. You wasted a whole year of your life going back and forth with this woman when there are lots of women out there who would love you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re barkin’ up the wrong tree, boy!” Furthermore, it sounds like Eva’s the one breaking off contact with you, and not vice-versa. This woman will never, ever have a relationship with you, Swanny, so forget all that stuff about settling down in one place. That’s just a delusion. And I hate to tell you this, but she already has the impression that you’re an overeager wussy. Will you and Eva end up together after two years apart? Sure, she’s just going to keep her nose to the grindstone and work and save herself for you for two long years. Yeah, right. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Dude, you’re so naïve.” I can hardly believe it myself. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: Exit Signs Hey Doc, I really don’t know where to start. “The System” has helped me win the hearts of girls I only used to dream about. This is why I am now at a loss for words.

too good to be true I met Gloria well over a year ago, and we started dating. She turned out to be a total keeper. She’s a Flexible Giver, compliments me frequently, doesn’t nag, is a “10” in the looks department, laughs at my stupid jokes, thinks what I do for a living is great, and loves to cook for me. She’s 22, which is several years my junior, and in her last semester of college. Since she’s on the young side, her age would be the only “problem.” We’ve been going out for about 14 months now. She met my parents two months ago and everything was just perfect. We have never had an argument. I would marry her any time.

an unconvincing excuse So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, I applied to graduate school, which would mean two years of study in three different universities in a foreign country. This was not a surprise to Gloria, since I had talked about it. Well, she recently decided to end the relationship because

she was “becoming too attached” to me and didn’t want my leaving to hurt her. I responded by returning some stuff she kept at my place and said something like: “If you change your mind, call me. Just don’t take too long.” When you meet a girl you don’t know what to expect and “The System” has helped me separate the wheat from the chaff. I never thought things with Gloria would be so great. Believe me, I have been in terrible situations with women and she is an exceptional case. I’m not dying to go back to school, but I also know that now is not the moment for any permanent relationship decisions, like whether or not to get married. Should I just cross my fingers and wait to see what happens in two years? Should I just forget about Gloria (one chance per girl per lifetime)? I really don’t know what goes next. Miguel - who is shell-shocked and brokenhearted

doc love answers Hi Miguel, I’m very happy that you’ve begun to recognize the elements in a woman that are valuable for a long-term relationship, which is what “The System” is all about. And you got a whole 14 months in with Gloria. Judging from the criteria of my book, she sounds fantastic -- so far. Click to the next page to discover how to read exit signs...

missing her exit signs But I don’t buy it at all that Gloria broke up with you so that she would be spared a broken heart. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, it just don’t ring true.” If this babe were really in love with you, she would have done anything to be with you -- simple as that. She would have asked you to marry her. She would have gotten a job to be near you. She would have begged you to take her with you to all the different universities you’ll be attending -- even if they were in China. Above all, she would have said that she wanted to be with you no matter what. To you Psych majors, a Flexible Giver goes with her man when he has to travel somewhere for work or study. Gloria is not doing that. Her actions are telling you a lot, Miguel. No, this girl was looking for to exit the relationship, my friend, and when you decided to go to school overseas, she jumped at the chance to take it. The bottom line is this: Gloria doesn’t have high enough interest in you to follow you around to all of these different universities. She doesn’t want to support you in your education. On the other hand, it’s true you could probably have found a school to attend here in America, but that’s not the real issue. The real problem is that Gloria wants out. The entire issue of going to school is just a smokescreen for the core problem, which is that Gloria decided to bail on you.

she just wasn't that interested What really happened is that starting around the seventh to ninth month that you were dating, Gloria started to lose interest in you. And it kept declining. From that point on, she was just waiting for the chance to make her exit. Telling Gloria to call you if she changes her mind was all fine and dandy, Miguel, but there was no point to it -- because it’s over. Gloria is not going to give you a second shot because her Interest Level has dipped to south of 50%. When it’s at that level, nothing can be done to salvage the situation. Nothing. You might have gotten a lot out of my program, but unfortunately you didn’t apply it to this girl. And like most guys, once you got her, you took her for granted and quit practicing “The System,” which is what got her in the first place. And so you have to ask yourself: why did I jettison the strategy that won me Gloria? When they’re six to eight months into a relationship, so many guys start to relax because the girl is crawling all over them and they can do no wrong. But they end up paying for it later when they go against the principles that won her in the first place. Why are you even uttering the word marriage? Dude, you’re OUT. You’re GONE. You’re FINISHED. You returned Gloria’s stuff and she told you she wanted to break up with you. There’s nothing more to think about. And like all women, she gave you the second reason why she wants to get rid of you, not the first reason -- LOW INTEREST LEVEL. Don’t worry about crossing your fingers and waiting two years for Gloria to change her mind about you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Why waste your time dreaming about someone who’s gone when you could be out hustling other women?” Forget Gloria, pal. She doesn’t care about you anymore. She doesn’t care if you go to Outer Mongolia or you if stay here. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Heck, she wouldn’t care if you went to the moon.” No matter what you do now, it’s over. And to answer your question, yes, you’ve had your one chance with Gloria and you blew it. Remember, guys: she’ll give you a thousand reasons why she dumped you, but the only real reason is that her Interest Level has plummeted.

Doc Love: Sharing Emotional Scars Hey Doc,

I am in need of your great coaching. I have a childhood friend, Karen, who went through a bad divorce. (I also went through a nasty divorce.) Karen and I hadn’t talked for a couple of years and just started hanging out again. We shared a lot of private and emotional scars and secrets about ourselves and I feel like we made a special connection. Now here’s the problem: There’s a guy who works with Karen who declared to her that he’s in love with her. She says she doesn’t feel the same way about him but allows him to come to her house and go for jogs with her. She had dinner and went to a movie with him, still insisting that it’s all innocent, and that she just likes the company because she feels lonely sometimes. Karen told me that she would actually prefer to hang out with me but doesn’t want to take away from my busy schedule.

Sharing emotional scars makes you a doormat I assured Karen that she wouldn’t drain my time and that I would hang out with her whenever she wanted. Just recently we were supposed to go out and she told me that she wasn’t feeling very good, that she was still sad from her divorce, which was about a year ago, and she asked if we could hang out another day because she wanted to go and talk to her sister. I was of course fine with it because her sister is a great person and cares for Karen’s well-being. But since that day, I've felt like there is something different with Karen. I asked her if she wanted to hang out this weekend, but she said she already had plans and that she would call me.

Hindsight is 20/20 I have to admit that sharing certain personal thoughts and feelings with Karen early on may have been a mistake, because now I feel like I’m developing feelings for her. How do I keep my feelings in check and at the same time show her that I’m confident? I want her to always feel like she can hang out with me, so should I call her or text her again to invite her out or should I just wait for her to do it? I don’t want to become a pest, but I want her to feel like she still has a good friend in me. Whit - who doesn’t know where he stands after sharing emotional scars

doc love’s answer Hi Whit, First of all, everybody goes through nasty divorces. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Who goes through a nice divorce?” Nobody. It’s very rare that any couple has a truly amicable parting of the ways. Maybe 3% of the time the people involved are both happy about the split. Down deep, both parties are really, really hurting when they go through a divorce.

The path to a great friend

Now, regarding your friend Karen, if you’re going to hang out, you’re not dating. And that’s all you say throughout your letter -- you two are just hanging out. If you’re just hanging out, you’re going down the friendship road, Whit. That’s much, much different than dating. So right off the bat, if you have any romantic interest in Karen, you’re making a huge mistake by just hanging out with her. Of course you made a special connection with Karen by sharing all your emotional scars. And the connection is only on a friendship level, not on a romantic level -- because pain and hurt and disappointment and rejection are all negative things. And negatives don’t build positive interest levels. You’d know that if you’d read “The System.” Sharing emotional scars makes you vulnerable in many ways… The reason Karen has this other guy coming around is because she cannot be alone. So she will mislead and use another man so that she doesn’t have to be alone. So she hangs out with you and she hangs out with this other guy, but there’s no dating with either of you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This sista is cruel.”

Make yourself scarce Hanging out with Karen whenever she wants to means that you’re always available for her. If you call me a great coach, you must have read some of my columns, which means you know a little something about challenge. So tell me, dude, how is being available for Karen 24/7 acting like a Challenge? I have news for you: it isn’t. Karen might have wanted to hang out with you another day so she could go and seek counseling from her sister, but she didn’t give you a specific date to get together with you, did she? Since you’ve built your relationship with Karen on the fallout from nasty divorces, she’s going to throw that up in your face every time she wants to disappear. And by saying her sister cares about her well-being, you’re doing nothing but rationalizing, Whit. But now you feel that something feels different with Karen. You know what that is? She’s backing off, that’s what.

Did she also say she has to wash her hair? She said she’d call you because she has all kinds of plans for the weekend. In other words, Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, and Sunday night, she just can’t find any time at all for you? Wow, this chick has some heavy duty high Interest Level in you, doesn’t she, pal? Sharing all that heavy emotional stuff with Karen early on was a mistake. A massive mistake. Developing feelings for her now has nothing to do with it. Because the truth of the matter is that you liked Karen from the beginning, otherwise you wouldn’t have been spending time

with her. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s only spending time with you because you’re her girlfriend/psychiatrist.” How do you keep your feelings in check and show Karen that you’re confident? You have to abide by the rules of “The System,” which you’ve been absolutely annihilating in this relationship. Whit, you don’t really want Karen to know that she can always hang out with you. You want her guessing when you’re going to call and ask her out, that’s what you really want. Before you ask her out, you have to get hold of my program, because you don’t have a clue what you’re doing.

The essence of Doc Love Still you insist that you want to be best friends with Karen. But my column isn’t about being a good friend to any woman; my column is a dating column. You’re going down the wrong path, and you’re wasting your time. And now you want to switch tracks with this girl and you can’t do it. Remember, guys: hanging out with a woman is not dating.

Doc Love: Dazed And Confused Hey Doc, I own and run a successful consultancy business and also lecture at a local university. I have been seeing Pamela for a few months. She recently lost her job due to the global financial crisis and she is currently unemployed. She spends most of her time with an older female friend who has never been employed and does not seem to have any future life plans.

public displays of affection One day, we were watching soccer with her friends and Pamela kissed me, but the next day it was as though she didn’t even know me. Whenever we got together, she would hold and hug me, but when I pushed further, she would tell me that I was too good for her. But I still took her out. When I did, her friends came with her. Some of them caused a lot of confusion between us. She liked to spend time with me but also with her friends. She hugged me and sometimes sat on my lap in public. Also, she reacted with jealousy when she suspected there was someone else interested in me. But when I made moves to kiss her, she told me she had feelings for me but wanted to move slowly.

Well, yesterday Pamela texted me to thank me for everything I had done for her and said that she hoped that one day the way she felt about me would change, but for now she just wants to be friends.

testing the waters To test her Interest Level in me, I drafted a fake text message meant for another girl (who does not exist) and sent it to Pamela as though it was by mistake. In the message I said: “OK, since you insist that you have to take me out, let’s give it a try!” Pamela immediately texted me: “Who is this girl you have a date with?” This morning there were several calls from Pamela on my cell phone. When I called back, she wanted to know if I had been with the other lady. She said she’ll be upset if she discovers that I was with another woman. My questions are as follows: Do you think Pamela has any Interest Level in me? Is there any way I can raise her Interest Level at this stage? What should I do before I mess up more? I don’t want to make any further moves until I get your coaching. Wilmot - who's dazed and confused because she's on the fence Read on to discover how Wilmot can stop being dazed and confused and why he needs to memorize “The System”...

doc love's response The girl you’re dating is not exactly what I’d call a model of self-reliance. How come she’s not hitting the streets 10 hours a day looking for work? Like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says: “This girl’s a bum.” And her older friend is a bum too.

inconsistent behavior When Pamela pretends not to know you after slobbering all over you, it’s called inconsistent behavior. And that means it’s time to say goodbye. And when she tells you that you’re too good for her, tell her that from now on you’re going to be a bad boy so that she can hate you and kiss you. But why do you keep taking this girl out? She’s displaying all kinds of inconsistent behavior, and you’re rewarding it. Why? You tell me that you run a successful business and you lecture at a university, but when it comes to women you don’t use any of the principles you used to become a success to get a good, worthwhile woman. What sense does that make? And why are Pamela’s friends tagging along on your dates? That’s called a group date, and

group dates are a no-no. According to my program, you don’t do a group date until she’s officially your girlfriend and her Interest Level is higher than the stars.

one at a time Of course her friends cause confusion on these dates, because that’s what happens on group dates. You can’t deal with five women at once. It’s tough enough sitting across from the one that you like. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, you can’t even handle one woman, so why are you fooling around with more?” You know why Pamela likes spending so much time with her friends when she’s with you? Because that way you can’t come on to her. She sits on your lap in public because that’s when it’s safe. She doesn’t do it when you’re alone with her, right? No, that’s when she squirms and can’t wait to get away from you. Wilmot, that behavior is telling you something -- I hope.

why date her in the first place? On the other hand, she gets jealous of you. So what we have here is an inconsistent, unemployed and unemployable woman who has a bunch of ding-dong girlfriends hanging with her, and she reacts with jealousy if someone else looks at you? Hey, it makes sense to me, pal. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “This sista sounds like a real gem, dawg.” Then she tells you that she wants to move slowly. Wilmot, Pamela doesn’t want you to go from fifth gear to first gear; she wants you to go from fifth gear to reverse. And now she just wants to be friends. Once a babe tattoos the word “friend” on your forehead, you are out forever. But I have to hand you this, Wilmot: When you sent her that fake e-mail, you were finally operating. Brilliant work, guy! That’s when you really started to use your noggin. But you didn’t take full advantage of the tactic. When Pamela asked you who the girl interested in you was, you should have said: “Your replacement!” And why the heck did you call her back when she left those messages? After what she’s put you through, you should have let her leave 100 messages on your cell. And when she demanded to know if you were with another woman, you should have said: “Actually, I was with her and her twin sister, and they’re both models! Gosh, what a night!” Now, on to your questions: No, Pamela has no interest in you. Her Interest Level is 0%. No, you can’t raise her Interest Level in you because it’s impossible to raise interest when it’s below 50%.

Before you mess up more, you have to get the “The System” and memorize it. Then tell Pamela two things: forget my name and forget my phone number. Remember, guys: cuckoos belong in cages but not in your heart.

Doc Love: The Other Woman Hey Doc, I’ve used tips from “The System” to help boost my confidence in dating women, and it’s helped a lot, but now I’d like some coaching. Cinnamon and I recently got into a serious relationship. We are almost complete opposites, but we’ve found middle ground and have developed a lot of similarities. So far, everything is cool. Cinnamon is beautiful, funny, smart, and a writer, like me. She can always make me smile.

girls who like girls There is one thing that bugs me about her, though. Cinnamon is bisexual. She’s been after this one woman for a long time, and she calls her the “girl of my dreams.” I don’t know a lot about this other woman, but from what I’ve been told, she and Cinnamon have liked each other for a long time but never had a relationship. Cinnamon decided to date me anyway, but now we’re on break from college and miles apart from each other, while Cinnamon is with the other woman back home. Here’s my problem: Cinnamon met up with this girl a few days ago to talk things through, and it turns out that they love each other a great deal. The other girl also has a boyfriend, but he’s apparently OK with her dating another girl. Cinnamon says she will date me but if things don’t work out between us, then she will date the other girl. What worries me is that no matter how much I care for her, she may always be a bit distracted by her would-be girlfriend. I truly care for Cinnamon, and I know she cares for me. She said she turned down the offer of a relationship with the other woman because she found me. This is reassuring, but I can tell she still thinks about the other girl a lot. The worst part is that there’s still a few more weeks before I can see her again, and until then, she is out of my reach and with the other woman. I’m the kind of guy who, when he is dating a girl seriously, doesn’t date others. I guess I’d expect that of Cinnamon, but is that selfish? Even if I ask that she not date the other girl, Cinnamon would still think about her.

is it time to let go? Doc, am I standing in the way of Cinnamon’s happiness? Should I step aside? Do you think it’s too difficult to date this girl while she still has feelings for another? I really don’t want to push Cinnamon away. Willard - who has never swum in these waters before Read on for Doc Love's advice for dealing with the other woman...

doc love's response Hi Willard, Right up front, you bring up a very important point. When you internalize the techniques of “The System,” what happens is that your level of awareness rises. You notice more things than you would normally see without using my program, and the effect is that your confidence level also goes up. Look at it this way. The first time that you banged on a computer, you didn’t know what you were doing. Now, after five or six years of constant usage, your fingers fly over the keyboard. Why? Because you have more knowledge, more practice and, consequently, more confidence. It’s the same thing with women and “The System."

she's just not that into you When you say that Cinnamon likes girls as well as guys romantically, the real truth of the matter is that she prefers girls. You want to believe that she’s available to you, but the truth is that she’s really not. The greatest error in your perception of the situation is that you think because your competition is not male that there’s something qualitatively different about the situation. But the truth is that there isn’t. It doesn’t matter at all if your competition is male or a female. So what you’re really doing is rationalizing. Cinnamon is not really dating you and the other woman. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re just a fill-in.” Willard, you have to face the fact that you’re second choice after her. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I don’t care if the other one is a girl or a goat, you’re number two.” You say that Cinnamon has been interested in the other woman for a long time. So you got involved with someone you knew was going to leave? In my book, I point out that longdistance dating doesn't work, and your situation is a simple variation on that theme. What you did was fly in the face of that principle.

you'll always come second

I don’t care how tolerant the other woman's boyfriend is -- he’s still an idiot. There’s no more delicate way of putting it. When Cinnamon tells you that she’ll date you if it doesn’t work out with the other girl, she’s using Womanese, and what she’s really saying, again, is that you’re second to the other girl. None of my students are supposed to be in a secondary position when it comes to dating a girl, ever -- period. I got news for you, pal. Cinnamon is not distracted by her would-be girlfriend; she has higher Interest Level in her this girl than she does in you, her boyfriend. She has 95% Interest Level in her girlfriend and only 45% Interest Level in you. Which means you lose because you’re second in the ratings. Cinnamon doesn’t care for you, dude, and get that through your head. She cares for the other woman. When she tells you that she turned down a chance for a relationship with her when she found you, she’s just stroking you because she’s in the arms of the other girl right now. So that’s just more Womanese. And there’s no way it can be reassuring since she’s still talking about the other person that she’s in love with. And to prove it, she is out of your reach and with that other girl right now. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Ain’t that a great position to be in, dawg?” Don’t worry about being selfish because you’re not really dating this girl seriously. She’s in love with another person who just happens to be the same sex as she is. The only thing you’ve got right so far is that you can’t stop Cinnamon from thinking about the other woman even if you try to stop them from dating. You’re in the number two position, and that’s what you don’t seem to understand. She’s in the top position, and you’re the one lurking in the background. Think about it, buddy.

let her go to her girl Yes, Willard, you are standing in the way of Cinnamon’s happiness. I would agree that it would be good to step aside, but you’re already on the side. Don’t you see that? And yes, it’s impossible to date Cinnamon when she has feelings for another. You can’t push her away because she’s already away. That’s what you don’t get. You’re talking through your hat and your ego. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you’re fighting a losing battle.” Remember, guys: If she likes someone else more than you, she’s not available.

Doc Love: Better Off Alone Hey Doc,

A friend suggested I contact you. I’m a 36-year-old guy just back on the dating scene. I divorced my common-law wife of 10 years recently. Ginny and I went through a very rough time over the last three years, with me losing romantic interest in her. It wasn’t anything physical about her that set it off; our romantic flame, which wasn’t the hottest to begin with, just died.

a dying romance To compound the issue, we seemed to have lost interest in trying to make things work and just started coasting. That’s when I started to look outside the relationship. When things heated up between me and another woman to the point of almost cheating, I had some serious talks with Ginny. We read a few books and started therapy, but it seemed too late at that point. I no longer knew how to make her happy or how to rekindle the flame. Now I’ve met Rachel, an old friend from high school, and we started rollerblading together. She’s divorced with two kids, and she’d just broken up with her boyfriend. Our friendship evolved, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. We get along great, and I love her boys, but I think we’re just happy to have found someone because neither of us wants to be alone. Who does, right? It just happens that we have a very healthy romantic life, something I was missing in my previous relationship. We have the highs and lows of a normal relationship, and I think we make a good couple.

torn between two Here’s the problem. I don’t think Rachel and I are as compatible as I was with my ex-wife. Ginny and I were best friends and had all the same interests and tastes in movies, TV shows, activities, etc. We got along amazingly. We never fought until the end, and even then, they were very civil and mature arguments. I really miss my ex-wife and think about her and us every day. These two women could not be more different in personality or lifestyle. I needed a change, but the truth is I miss the freedom I had in my previous relationship. Now that I’m like a stepdad and tied down with Rachel and her kids, I miss the ability to just pick up and go on a whim, wherever and whenever, just the two of us. Although Ginny’s old job made it hard financially to travel as much as I would have liked, she has since got the big promotion we had waited on for years, and we would finally be able to do all the things we had planned. As you can see, I’m torn. If I could be sure that my ex would take me back (we don’t talk) and that we could reignite the fires of passion we once had, I would go back to her in a flash!

ending up alone I know I should look at these two situations separately and first decide if I want to be with Rachel and be a stepdad. Only then, if I choose to not be with her, should I revisit my old

flame and see if anything is there. But I’m afraid of breaking up with Rachel only to find out that my ex-wife has moved on. Then I’ll end up alone. Please help me figure things out. Wolf - who can’t make a decision Read on to find out why Wolf should have used "The System"... Hi Wolf, The sad thing is had you had been using my maintenance program on Ginny, her Interest Level would have remained high. And if it remained high, she would have continued to treat you well, still been in love with you and you would have stayed in love with her. But most couples end up coasting. Men don’t realize that the easy part is getting a woman to fall in love with them but that keeping her in love is the harder part. So they coast. What coasting means is that the guy is not going to use the maintenance program; he’s not going to try and keep the woman’s Interest Level in the 90s, and he’s not going to date his wife and do the things that turn her on, like housework. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Coasting always leads to a crash, grasshopper.” You may have made a last-ditch effort to save your relationship with Ginny, but your problem is that you were reading the wrong books. You should have been reading “The System” all along. Dude, looking at the kind of troubles you have, you should have had it before you started dating her. But don’t feel too bad -- most men don’t know the first thing about maintenance. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “They’d rather go and polish the rims on their truck than be affectionate with their wives.”

don't be afraid to be alone Of course, nobody wants to be alone, Wolf. But there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and that’s what you don’t seem to understand. Guy, you have a hot romantic relationship with Rachel because it’s new. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Newness is the aphrodisiac of the mind.” Everything’s great at the beginning. You can’t beat the high of a new romance -- just ask Hugh Hefner. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “With time, the ether wears off, and the relationship shifts into a different mode.” These are the realities of life that no one can escape, my friend. You say you have highs and lows with Rachel. I don’t like the term “lows.” Just what do you mean by “lows”? And why are you having “lows” at the beginning of a relationship? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Lows are supposed to be saved for marriage.” Do you know why you and Ginny fought at the end of your relationship? Because people

don’t fight when their Interest Level is up in the 90s. They only fight when the woman’s Interest Level is between 51% and 60%.

you're giving up too quickly Wolf, you only miss your ex-wife because you’re striking out with the new babe. And in the process, you’re making a major miscalculation: In your mind, there are only two women on the face of the planet, your ex-wife and Rachel. Why aren’t you going out with a second, a third, and a fourth woman instead of just Rachel? Just because you strike out with one or two, you shouldn’t go running back to your ex. Like my cousin General Love says: “Retreating to the past is a sign of weakness.” You should have realized up front that when you go out with a woman who has kids, it’s a package deal. That’s another reason you should have had my program. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “I just hope those kids ain’t gettin’ too attached to you, dawg.” You might think it’s cool that Ginny got a promotion and raise, but you should be talking about her Interest Level in you instead, because that’s the only thing that matters here. That she got a promotion and raise are nothing but extraneous facts. They mean nothing in of themselves. What does mean something is the fact that she doesn’t talk to you and is probably spending her extra money on her new boyfriend.

it's time to move on In the end, Wolf, your problem is that you don’t know how to be alone. And you have to learn how to do it, because you’re better off on our own than trapped in a bad relationship. And the truth is that you’re complaining about both of these relationships. You left your wife, and now you’re moaning about her replacement. You’re finding all kinds of things wrong with each of the two women and acting as if they’re the only ones on earth. If you had my book, studied it and started hustling women, things would be different because you’d find another woman, perhaps better than both of the ones you’re fixated on. On the other hand, without understanding the maintenance program to keep a woman in love, the new woman you find will get rid of you, or you’ll get bored all over again like you are now. Remember, guys: you’re better off alone than being miserable in a relationship.

Doc Love: You're Not Interested Hey Doc, I recently learned of your existence. I’ve read your columns for the past week, and I am certainly impressed. I just ordered “The System,” and I’m eagerly awaiting its arrival. The problem is that I have an aggravating and disturbing situation on my hands right now. I met Dawn two years ago at a friend’s wedding, and we kind of hit it off. That same night, we kissed a lot and six months passed until I met her again. Even though we saw each other rarely, we became friends. Two weeks ago there was another wedding of a mutual friend. Once again, one thing led to another and Dawn and I ended up making out.

it started out innocently enough I did not see her again up until yesterday at a friend’s birthday party. This time, Dawn asked me to take her home at the end of the night, which seemed to me like a totally innocent thing. But on the way to her place I bought a bottle of wine. The alcohol went to our heads and we got very, very romantic.

not interested in her Now here’s the problem. After the romantic night we spent together, Dawn has been texting me all day long. I answered a couple times so as not to be rude, but the truth is that I have no interest whatsoever in starting a relationship with this girl. But I do not want to hurt her either. We have tons of mutual friends, and if things turn bad between us, I am certain it will damage our relations with our friends. I need your coaching on how to make it clear to Dawn that I do not want a relationship but want to remain friends with her. By the way, I forgot to mention that every time something happened between Dawn and me, alcohol (and lots of it) was involved. Thanks for your insights. Elston - who tends to lose his head.

doc love's response Hi Elston, You strike me as an intelligent guy. You read a few of my articles and you ordered “The System” because it registered with you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Now this makes sense.” You’re not like the guy who reads my columns for two years and still doesn’t

have the common sense to invest in himself and buy my program. To you Psych majors, you’re not going to find every single tool you’ll need for dealing with women in my columns. While my columns do provide some coaching for a given situation, having my book and committing it to memory is the only way you will ever have access to all aspects of my full program. You need to understand all of my principles in order to be a success with the opposite sex. So, if you don’t have my book, how do you expect to put an end to your pattern of failure with women? The answer is that you can’t. Read on for Doc Love's advice... Now let me get this straight: You make out with a girl, and then you don’t see her for six months? What kind of relationship is that, pal? We have a problem here. And the problem is that either Dawn isn’t really interested in you, or you’re not really interested in her. And here’s something else. You shouldn’t have been kissing this girl whenever you got together. That was a big mistake because, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “One of you two was trying to make something out of nothing.”

you were misleading What Dawn is for you is just a wedding make-out queen. Look at it this way: you have no real interest in her; otherwise you’d be taking her out. Makes sense, right? The sad part of all this is that you’re misleading Dawn if she wants more out of the relationship than you do. And in my program, we don’t use women. Taking Dawn home after the party might have seemed like an innocent thing to you, but what was it to her? If you’re not interested in the girl, you shouldn’t have done it. You’re not dating this girl, so you shouldn’t have taken her home or anywhere else -- simple as that. The reason Dawn is texting you nonstop is because she has high Interest Level in you. But you don’t have high Interest Level in her. And, like I said before, that’s the crux of the problem here.

it's your fault So now you’re feeling the pain of discomfort because you misled this girl. Elston, you want me to do your dirty work and clean this mess up for you so you don’t have to feel any guilt or pain. But you have to realize that when you go against reality, there’s going to be pain, and you are going to have to pay the price for leading this girl on. Now you don’t want to deal with the consequences of what you did. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You should have thought about all that stuff before you took this girl home and got her drunk on wine and made out with her.”

Elston, what you’re going to have to do with Dawn now is not answer any of her messages or calls. And as far as damaging your relations with your friends is concerned, who cares? What if Dawn led you on and dumped you -- would that also damage your relationship with your friends?

always do it sober Dude, I’m shocked that alcohol was involved in all of your encounters with Dawn! Like the old cowboy saying goes: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” The moral of the story is that you should have kept your friendship with Dawn dry. Remember, guys: If you’re not interested in a girl, don’t mislead her.

Doc Love: Moving On Hey Doc, I was with my ex, Candace, for five years. We’re no longer together as a couple, but we bought a house together a year ago because we ran into a very good deal, and I was planning on marrying her. At the time, I was in paramedic school and didn’t spend much time with her. Now that I’m finished with school and have more time, we haven’t been getting along, so I decided not to ask her to marry me.

from bad to worse We’ve had a very bad time recently and Candace wanted a break from me. We’ve always had a relationship with many fights and have verbally disrespected each other many times. A week after she took her break from me, she decided we should break up altogether, and I agree. We still live in the same house and the market sucks for selling properties right now. In addition, we’ve invested money in the house. Anyway, Candace has been talking to some idiot she met at her job about a year ago, or so she claims. She talks to this jerk late at night. (He lives in Texas, while we live in New Orleans, by the way.) During the first month after our breakup, she was mean as hell to me, but now she’s being nice and says she wants to be friends. I’ve been nice to her as well, since we still live under the same roof and are business partners.

she's moved on Unfortunately, I still love Candace, and it makes me angry when she talks to this new guy on the phone, even though we sleep in separate rooms. I try not to show that it bothers me.

Here’s my question: Should I try to get her back? She claims she’s just friends with the new guy, but why would she be talking to him late at night if that were the case? This fool likes to hunt ducks and other animals. Candace wouldn’t even let me order duck at a restaurant because ducks are “so cute,” and now she’s infatuated with a guy who kills them for sport. Women are crazy. Doc, how can I know if Candace still wants me? What should I do? I feel I could get over her easily if I didn’t have to live with her. But I don’t like the idea of paying for a house and not living there. We don’t have children, by the way. Thank you very much for your time. Red - who doesn’t know which way to go Read on for Doc Love's advice on moving on...

doc love's response Hi Red, Now let me get this straight. You’re with a girl you can’t spend much time with and you’re not married to -- and you went out and bought a house with her? Talk about bad decisions! What were you thinking? Were you thinking, period? It’s good that you’re not going to ask Candace to marry you. No way should you ask her to get married. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s plenty of time for fighting after you get married. Why would you want to start before you even say ‘I do'?” To you Psych majors, any couple that fights before they get married is stupid. Why even contemplate getting hitched to someone you’re squabbling with all the time? What sense would that make? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Anyone who would do that is a masochist -- or really dumb.” But you came close to doing just that. Your relationship is full of battles, and you have no respect for the other person. Oh, and you went and bought a house with her and went into business with her. Hey, makes sense to me!

move on and out Don’t worry about your house now, Red. Sell it and get out of there. I don’t care if you lose 200K on the house; it’s time to say goodbye to Candace and start all over again. And while you’re at it, be sure you get “The System” and memorize it ASAP, because you don’t have a clue about what you’re doing, pal. Of course Candace has been talking to another guy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “When she’s had it with you, she’s going to go out and line up her ducks.” There’s nothing wrong

with what she’s doing, Red. Look at it this way: If she weren’t fighting with you all the time, she wouldn’t be talking to this idiot.

she's over you But let me explain something to you. This other guy has nothing whatsoever to do with your relationship. Hard as it may be to grasp, he isn’t part of your problem with Candace. Your problem in this relationship is you. You don’t know how to keep a woman in love with you -that’s your problem. You would know if you had a thorough grasp on my materials, though. You can’t get Candace back because you can’t go back, dude. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “This thing is cooked.” And she’s flirting with another man, which means you’re out. I don’t care if she’s pregnant by the other guy -- he’s a nonissue in this situation. Like I said earlier, the problem is you. You know why Candace is infatuated with a guy who kills little fuzzy animals for fun? Because, like I say in “The System,” Interest Level cuts everything. And Candace’s Interest Level in this other guy is high. So if he wants to go out and shoot ducks, all of a sudden she loves to shoot ducks, too. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “The guy could be a serial killer and she wouldn’t care.” So wake up to reality, guy. Candace doesn’t want you. She fights with you all the time and flirts with another guy. What more do I have to say?

it's time to get away and start over What should you do now? Most importantly of all, memorize my materials. You have to get away from Candace. Dump the house and take a big loss. Clean the place up and put a FOR SALE sign out in front. If it doesn’t sell, lower the price by 10K every two weeks until it’s gone. Thank God you don’t have children, Red. If you did, they’d be more messed up than you. Remember, guys: if you’re fighting with your girlfriend, don’t make her your business partner.

Doc Love: Asking Too Much Hey Doc, I’ve been in a relationship with Anastasia for over three years. We began dating during my

senior year and her junior year of college. I started grad school the next year. We were both busy at the time but lived relatively close by and were able to see each other three to four times a week. She then got a job, and we were able to stay on a steady schedule of dating during both the week and weekends. We were 1.5 years into the relationship and saying “I love you” to each other at this point. When she started law school and I completed my last year of grad school, we had an hour’s distance between us. We always talked and saw each other weekly. Now I’ve finished grad school and have moved closer to Anastasia. She’s still busy with law school, but we see each other twice a week.

different priorities I understand that law school schedules are tough, but we are at a point where we have seemingly gone backwards. I want to see Anastasia more often, but she doesn’t know what she can promise in terms of giving me more of her time. She is also experiencing health problems due to the burden of law school, so it often takes her more time to do homework, which shrinks her available free time even more and further complicates the situation. Anastasia has two-plus years of law school left, and after that bar exams and a job. I don’t know if I see a point in the future where I’m going to be moved up on her scale of priorities. We’ve had many heated discussions about this, but things have not changed. I love Anastasia, but in the long run I think I want more from her than she can give me. What would you coach me to do? Savarin - who feels marginalized

doc love's response Hi Savarin, First of all, you saw this girl way too much at the beginning of your relationship. You shouldn’t be seeing anyone four times a week. Twice a week is plenty -- otherwise, you’re not much of a Challenge. And you never should have said "I love you” to Anastasia. You never say "I love you" to a babe, no matter how desperate you are. What strikes me in your letter is that not once have you mentioned Anastasia’s Interest Level in you, and her Interest Level in you is the most important factor in the relationship. This leads me to believe that what you have here may be a one-sided relationship -- you’re interested in Anastasia, and she’s not so interested in you. Read on to find out what Doc Love and “The System” have to say about Savarin's situation...

back off But you haven’t gone backwards at all, pal. Anytime someone attends law school or medical school or is in any professional training, you have to back off. Law school is one of the toughest regimens there is and getting through it requires an enormous amount of concentration and application. So you have to give way and not pressure Anastasia. Would you like her bugging you if you were in the same situation? Think about it. You made a huge mistake in bringing up the subject of how much time Anastasia can spend with you. Remember, she should be chasing you. This is one of the core tenets of “The System.” Since you don’t mention having it, I wonder what you’re waiting for. If you had committed my program to memory, you would know that you should never be pressuring any woman for more attention. Now think about this, Savarin. Anastasia is going to law school, and she has physical problems and you’re pressing her to see you more often? What does a tactic like this accomplish? To you Psych majors, when you pressure a woman, it is certain to have negative results. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, her interest in you is gonna be in the toilet in about 10 minutes.”

be supportive There shouldn’t be any complications in your situation whatsoever, Savarin. You should support Anastasia when she’s not healthy and busy with her law studies, and you should let her call you when she wants to see you. Then you’ll go out. If she doesn’t call you, you don’t go out, simple as that. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “In a sense, my son, you’re going to have to let her run the show.” Instead, you’re panicking about whether or not you’re going to be moved up on her list of priorities. Maybe you should force her to quit law school and get a job as a waitress so she can stay out late with you every night, have you thought of that? But seriously, all of these discussions you’re forcing on Anastasia about the amount of time she spends with you have no doubt lowered her Interest Level because you’re not empathetic about her health or supportive of her future goals. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Dude, you’re selfish.”

asking far too much of her You shouldn’t want more than Anastasia can give you, guy. You should take whatever she’s able to give you and help her through this stressful time. In the long run, she’ll give you credit for being patient.

What would I coach you to do? Back off and let her ask you out. You’re asking -- begging -for way too much. Most guys would be happy that their girlfriends couldn’t see them all the time. Actually, if you think about it, this situation is perfect. It allows you to indulge yourself in your hobbies, go out with the boys, play sports, and do whatever else it is you want to do. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There are lots of miserably married men who would love to switch places with you.” Remember, guys: If your girlfriend is trying to better herself, you have to be supportive.

Doc Love: Challenge Or Playing Games? Hey Doc, I’m a follower of “The System,” but I’m in a situation that has me stumped. I recently reconnected with an old friend (we’ll call her Tia). She’s an ideal woman: smart, witty, has an amazing body, and is a solid 10. She’s posed for Maxim magazine, has a great job and has guys chasing her constantly. To top it off, she’s very down-to-earth and fun. I’m 33 and she’s 30. I live in Florida and Tia lives in Los Angeles, but when we reconnected there was undeniable chemistry. She did all the right things, calling and texting me, and was the first to make contact. But because of her extreme beauty and the number of guys chasing her, I decided to be a super-Challenge.

super-challenge It wasn’t long before Tia invited me out to L.A. to see her, and I agreed. But every time we’d agree on a time to talk on the phone to make arrangements for my trip, I would blow her off by either not calling her or not answering her call. I wanted to make her work for it and not seem too eager to see her, and I thought that being a Challenge would make her realize how much she wanted to see me. Anyway, this went on for weeks before Tia finally got upset and confronted me. She accused me of being rude and told me that if I wasn’t interested in seeing her to just tell her. I explained that my intentions weren’t to be rude but that I was extremely busy with work and that the time difference between Florida and California didn’t help. She accepted my “excuse” and asked that I be more considerate in the future instead of blowing her off.

call of duty A few weeks later, Tia had a business trip to Orlando that was canceled, but she still had the plane ticket. She came out, and we had an amazing weekend together. She was fun, and we

laughed a lot and got very romantic. The chemistry between us was through the roof. When the weekend ended, I asked her to call me to let me know that she got back safely. But when she called, I let it go to voicemail. I figured it would be to my advantage to make her wonder what I thought about our weekend by not talking to her too soon. After her call she sent me a text saying she arrived safely and to call her. I didn’t call. Instead, I sent her a text the next morning saying that I was asleep when she called and that I had a great time. Then I didn’t have any contact with Tia for two weeks. She texted me that it was obvious that I wasn’t interested. She said she was glad we got together and that she harbored no hard feelings. I texted her back and accused her of playing games since I assumed this was a ploy to get me to confess my feelings. She responded by telling me that she wasn’t playing games and genuinely felt like I wasn’t interested.

too much of a challenge The truth is that I’m very interested. Since then, Tia has texted me once a week. I’ve been very casual with her, hoping it would persuade her to open up to me. She told me that she had tried several times to express her concerns to me, but that all I did was hurt her and make her feel like I didn’t care at all. Since then, I’ve avoided initiating contact. Have I taken being a Challenge too far? I don’t want to lose Tia and I need to know how to turn this around. What did I do wrong and what do I do now? Should I be honest and tell her how I feel? Didier - who overthinks everything Read on for Doc Love's advice on the proper way to be a Challenge...

doc love's response Hi Didier, When you say you’re going to be a super-Challenge to a girl, what I’m really hearing is that you’re trying to change “The System.” Dude, you don’t touch my program -- it would be like changing the Bible or the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. So, please don’t take my principles and put your own spin on them. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you’re on the battlefield, soldier, just do what I tell you to do.”

don't be rude Now let me get this straight. You gave a girl your word about talking to her, and you think that by blowing her off that you’re being a super-Challenge, or even a Challenge? Let me tell you something: You’re not. You’re just being disrespectful. And we’re not disrespectful to women. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Besides, your behavior is rude, crude and shows you ain’t got no upbringing and no class.”

You might want to force Tia to work for your attention, but you’re going about it the wrong way. What you’re doing is what Macho Boy would do. The wimp calls a woman all the time, but the Bad Boy doesn’t call at all. I don’t want you to be either one of those guys. I want you to be like Cary Grant. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Can you imagine Cary Grant not returning a call when he gave his word?” Your actions are nothing short of Neanderthal, Didier. You know absolutely nothing about Challenge. Absolutely nothing. You might be busy with work, but a phone call to a woman takes all of 30 seconds. You should have called Tia and said: “Hi, I hope things are fine, but I’m buried in work for the next five days, and I’ll get back to you once I clean it up.” Heck, that would have taken even less than 30 seconds. So, Tia has a right to be upset with all the shenanigans you’ve pulled here. She was telling you to be more considerate, but you weren’t listening.

keep your word Sending Tia’s call to voicemail was a flat-out insult. You should have picked up and talked to her. You’re talking about a girl’s safety here, buddy. And don’t forget you told her to call you, which implied that you were going to talk to her. She deserved a callback. So you blew it. How old are you, Didier? Twelve? I know you’re an intelligent guy -- I can tell from the facts in your letter -- but I can’t believe the mistakes you’re making. And you have my book? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Man, you’re a horrible advertisement!” Then you went and lied to Tia again and told her you were sleeping when she called. Where do you see in my book that I tell you to lie to a woman who is treating you well and acting consistently? Then you waited two weeks to call her. Another mistake. You should be talking to this girl every four or five days. To ice the cake, you went and accused Tia of playing games when you were the one doing it all along. So now you’re on the attack. Attacking someone isn’t loving, guy. In the end, Tia’s not interested in you because you’re rude and crude, not because you’re too much of a Challenge. When she made all of those accusations against you, she was 100% right on all counts. You might think that you’re a follower of “The System,” but you’d better open it up and inundate yourself in it, because you have everything backward. You should have sent Tia flowers and apologized for being a boor. And you should read my book every night until you’ve gone through it 15 times. You have absolutely no concept of what Challenge is, I’m sorry to say. Unfortunately for you, it’s too late to turn it around now. Tia’s already gone, and you’re out. Remember, guys: Classy women don’t like guys who aren’t classy.

Doc Love: Tough Decisions Hey Doc, Man, I need some serious coaching. My situation is that for the past nine months, I’ve been dating Reisha, an amazing woman who is almost the complete package. She’s goal-oriented, fashionable, attractive, loyal, and takes care of her man.

she's a package deal Here’s the problem: She’s 8 years older than me and has a teenage daughter. I’m 25, she’s 33, and her daughter is 15. Now, we talked about a long-term relationship and she hasn’t really put pressure on me, but she has a strong desire to be married one day (not necessarily to me). I’ve expressed how I haven’t been comfortable with possibly having a stepdaughter who is 10 years younger than me, but I’ve tried to adjust my view. Unfortunately, it still doesn’t quite sit well with me. I get frustrated because I can hear the pain in Reisha and the frustration of me fighting myself. Now here’s where the problem gets worse (or better). My ex, Janet, who I was with for four years, pops up from time to time telling me she still wants me (she’s three years younger than me with no kids). We broke up mostly because of her selfishness. I still dig my ex, but I don’t completely believe that she’s changed to become more of the type of woman I need and want.

a fresh start Now here’s where we get to the climax. This week, I met a drop-dead gorgeous woman named Alicia through a mutual friend. She recently quit her job to pursue a career in acting. We went out a couple of times and talk every day, and both of us have openly admitted we like each other’s vibe. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, but if things keep going the way they’ve been with her -- flirting and buying signals -- I wouldn’t mind taking it to a more exclusive level. I have some tough decisions to make. Do I continue to pursue Reisha, warm things up again with Janet (who I almost married) or take a chance and further pursue Alicia and other girls? JaMarcus - a real man in need of some wisdom

doc love's response Hi JaMarcus, The first thing you have to understand is that in the case of Reisha, it’s a package deal. To you Psych majors, you don’t get the mom without the daughter. You have to take both if you stay

involved with Reisha. I don’t like the fact that Reisha is eight years older than you (you'd know that if you had “The System”) but if you have a perfect relationship -- and you’ve described a pretty darned good one in your letter -- then I’m for it. But there’s a silver lining to this gray cloud, which is that Reisha’s daughter, who is 15, will be out of the house in just three or four years. So the girl is going to be a non-issue pretty soon. If the daughter was two years old, then you’d have an entirely different situation -- and a much more difficult one -- on your hands. But as it is, this girl is on the way out, and that’s good for you and Reisha. Read on for Doc Love's advice on making tough decisions... Nevertheless, if you decide to stay with Reisha, you’re going to have to learn to adjust. But if you can’t accept her kid, you have to drop Reisha. Don’t waste her time. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Let her go out and find a Good Samaritan who will marry her and adopt her daughter.”

forget about it Now, let’s move on to Janet. You say that she’s selfish. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “End of discussion, dude!” What have I always told you guys? Get yourself a Flexible Giver, not a ”taker.” Janet had a lousy attitude. You went out with her in the past, and now it’s done. Period. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Let sleeping dogs lie, grasshopper.” There’s no reason at all to talk about Janet -- it’s over. She hasn’t changed at all and she’s not going to change. You’re finished with her, so forget her.

slow down On to Alicia. Now let me get this straight. You’re talking to a girl, who you just met, multiple times every day? I can see that you don’t have “The System,” my friend! You like each other’s vibe? You might think you’re all man, JaMarcus, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “No guy talks about his feelings to a woman. It’s very unmanly.” No offense, guy, but you need to get my program or you’re not going to make it with any of these women. What’s even worse is that you’ve only been out with this woman a couple of times and you’re already talking to her about exclusivity. It’s another sign that you know nothing about my principles, JaMarcus. Think about it. You don’t know this person at all. I’m sure she’s beautiful since she wants to be an actress, but that’s all you know. And if she’s an actress, how do you know what you’re really getting?

the total package What should you do? Well, you should forget Janet, your ex, because that’s all ancient history. Next, you have to learn to accept Reisha’s 15-year-old daughter. If you can do that

and be a good father to her, you should stay with Reisha and date Alicia. With time, one of them will drop off. You have some tough decisions to make, but the key here is learning to deal with the 15-yearold. She’ll be gone soon and will be a non-factor. Remember, guys: You can’t have too many women when you know “The System.”

Doc Love: In Love With Someone Else Hey Doc, I’m an engineer for an aerospace company. I met Monica at a software convention. Our first date was lunch; I kept things light and used some wacky humor. I waited 10 days before calling her again and kept the call to 10 minutes. She wanted to e-mail back and forth “to get to know each other better,” but I laughed that off and said “E-mail is for Star Trek dorks,” which she got a kick out of. I called again a week later and invited her on another date. The date went well: I acted like a gentleman, was well-dressed, and we got to know each other more. She took me golfing (I hate golf but played along), and I pretty much determined that Monica’s character and personality were top-notch and that she was a Flexible Giver.

in love with someone else Before I drove back home, she confessed that she hadn’t met anyone like me, but that she had a problem that I ought to know about. I sat and listened, but didn’t encourage any breakdowns. She said that she had dated a man, Tom, four years earlier and that she had fallen deeply in love with him, but he had chosen to marry another woman. Then she went on to confess that she didn’t think she could truly love someone else the same way as Tom ever again. She said she thought that I was irresistibly attractive and “perfect,” but that Tom was somehow “imprinted” on her brain and that she didn’t know how to get rid of the memory, even after therapy. By the way, Monica is no nutcase. She graduated from a top college and comes from a good family.

playing it cool My response was to give her a hug, tell her it was OK and that we were just getting to know each other casually anyway, which was true. Over the next year, we spent more time developing a romantic relationship of sorts, though we never called it that. In fact, we never called it anything, and never talked about it. Maybe I handled this wrong, but there was a

strong attraction between us, and I wanted to keep things casual and avoid the subject of Tom and see if she could get over him. Within eight months, her Interest Level seemed to skyrocket as we spent time together, particularly when she found out that I was dating other women (since we never had any commitment). My problem now is that I want to marry this girl (although I’ve followed your advice and not blabbed anything about loving her desperately), and I also know that she wants to marry me. But I need to know her current feelings about Tom before plunging in. I fear that bringing him up again won’t lead anywhere good. At the same time, I can’t marry Monica without knowing I’m No. 1 in her life. To further complicate matters, what if someday Tom gets divorced and tries to get Monica back?

am i in too deep? Tell me, where do I go from here? Did I handle this right, or should I have run in the other direction when the subject of Tom came up in the early stages? This girl’s a keeper, but not if she can’t forget the other guy. Delmar - who wants no complications Read on for Doc Love's advice...

doc love's response Hi Delmar, First of all, it’s great that you passed on Monica’s invitation to sit there e-mailing each other. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Playing with a computer when it comes to women is a big waste of time.” Plus, it’s an anti-challenge. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing you did right. Now let me just get this straight before we go any further. After two dates, you’re swooning over a woman’s character? Dude, you know nothing whatsoever about this woman after two dates. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “After spending about seven hours with a babe you have her all figured out? No way, Jose!”

she's not available But let’s move on. When Monica told you that she could never again love a man like she loved Tom, it meant she is not available. That’s what you’re telling me here, Delmar, and more importantly, that’s what Monica was telling you. Monica has the hots for a man who broke her heart. You know what “The System” says about that, right? No ex-boyfriends or exhusbands lurking in the background. When Monica tells you that Tom is imprinted on her brain and that she can’t forget about him even after she lay on a shrink’s couch for years, that

sure sounds like lurking to me. In fact, that’s more than lurking in the background -- Tom is right there in the room with you and Monica! It means that she’s going to be in love with Tom for the rest of her life and that you don’t stand a chance. But at least Monica was being honest. She was right up-front with you and told you that she’s really not on the market. My friend, you don’t know anything about Monica’s family because you haven’t even met them. Again, you’re jumping to conclusions. And just because she got straight A's at Princeton doesn’t mean she can’t be a nutcase when it comes to romantic love. Remember that Joran van der Sloot went to college, came from a good family and that his father was a top judge in Aruba. What does that tell you? When you say you were just getting to know each other casually, you’re rationalizing. A romantic relationship “of sorts” means that it’s not a romantic relationship at all. You might have thought there was a strong attraction between you and Monica, but there was a stronger attraction between her and Tom -- which means you’re No. 2, man. Why would you want to be No. 2 to anybody?

she's not into you Yet, in the face of all this stuff, you still want to marry this girl who’s carrying a torch for someone else. I can definitely tell you haven’t read my book, because if you had, you wouldn’t be making a blunder this huge! And I have news for you, Delmar: You are desperate -- because Monica digs somebody else. And if she wants to marry you, then she’s even nuttier than you are. That’s obvious because she’s in love with someone else and keeps going out with you. If Tom ever got divorced, you’d better watch out, because Monica would dump you for him in a heartbeat. Tom is No. 1, not you, guy. Do you really want to always live in his shadow? Where do you go from here? You have to get “The System,” memorize it and forget this girl. She’s a complete waste of time. No, you didn’t handle this thing right -- you handled it horribly. Of course you should have run in the other direction when she told you about Tom, but you didn’t. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “She’s not a keeper at all -- she’s already kept by another guy.” Remember, guys: For a girl to fall in love with you, she has to be available.

Doc Love: It's Over Hey Doc,

Camilla and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other. We’ve been through hell and back together, and I want to share our story with you. Last summer she went on two long trips, one to Japan with her family and the other to Costa Rica with a group that does work for third world countries. During her stay in Japan, we were connected by phone and e-mail, and our relationship felt as great as ever. We had been together about four months at this time. When she came back, there was a one-week window before she left for Costa Rica. We had a picture-perfect week together, and I saw her off with no doubts in my head.

a not-so-welcome home When she got back after four weeks, Camilla was in no rush to see or talk to me, and I knew from that point on that it was going to be bad for our relationship. At this point we were only communicating by phone and e-mail (stupid, I know). Eventually, she saw me in person and told me that she felt very disconnected from me and that she wasn’t ready to jump back into our relationship. Then I went off to a summer camp where I counsel kids, and I met a girl, Anita, who I ended up dating. As soon as I got back, I wanted nothing to do with either Camilla or Anita.

i gave her a taste of her own medicine But Camilla wanted to talk to me as soon as I got home. This confused me. After a few weeks, she was ready to hop back on board, but I wasn’t as inclined to get back into a relationship with her. I started dating a third woman, Beth, who basically replaced Camilla as my best girlfriend. During the next two months, I didn’t treat Camilla well. I thought this was OK because she had treated me so horrendously when she came back from Costa Rica. But after a while, I understood that I would only be happy back together with her. I quickly dropped my new fling and got back together with Camilla. That was eight months ago. Now Camilla is telling me that I left her scarred, and she thinks that the only way she’ll understand where I was coming from is if she dates another guy (like I did twice) and then see if she regrets it or not. While she’s contemplating that, I’m left on the sidelines, attempting to convince her that she’s not right.

can i let her cheat? Should I call Camilla’s bluff and say: “Go for it, find a guy and tell me how it goes?” Or should I use a more strict approach and try to convince her that she’s going to regret it like I do now? Of course I could break up with Camilla for even considering another guy, but that’s the last thing I want. Basically, I see this as Camilla asking me if she can cheat on me without consequences. If she were to get together with another guy, I would break up with her because she’d been with someone else while we were still together. Please coach me, Doc.

Crane - who is totally confused Read on for Doc Love's advice and learn why Crane needs to read “The System”...

doc love's response Hi Crane, When you’ve been to hell and back with a girl, it means her Interest Level was not up in the 90s all along. And that tells me that you haven’t got “The System” memorized, so you don’t know what the heck you’re doing! In my program, there is no hell; there’s only heaven.

you should have known from the start You shouldn’t have made Camilla your girlfriend until she got back from all these trips. The fact that she didn’t want to see you when she got back wasn’t just “bad for the relationship.” It meant that the relationship was over. You have absolutely no relationship with Camilla, dude. Any girlfriend who goes away and then comes back and doesn’t want to talk to you is ancient history. And so everything that happened beyond that point is a waste of my talent.

not following "the system" It wasn’t necessarily stupid to communicate with Camilla by phone and e-mail when she got back from Costa Rica. You should just not have communicated at all with her -- period. You should have had nothing to do with her. Why? Because there was no point. Camilla wasn’t ready to walk or jump or crawl back into a relationship with you because it was over. She was telling you in Womanese that you were out. Now I know for sure you don’t have my materials memorized, Crane! Anita had nothing whatsoever to do with Camilla. And now that you don’t want to see her anymore, both she and Camilla are gone forever. When Camilla wanted to talk to you after camp, you shouldn’t have picked the phone up. If you did happen to answer, you should have told her: “Hey, I’d love to talk to you, but my date’s in the bathroom!”

you should know better When Camilla said she was ready to hop back onboard with you, she just wanted to play with your head, don’t you see that? Her Interest Level was under 50% at that point. And by the way, why are you treating women badly and then writing me a letter complaining that Camilla’s Interest Level is low? You knew it was wrong to e-mail her, you knew you treated her badly, you knew you were doing everything wrong, so why are you talking to me now? Of course she treated you horrendously after Costa Rica. So now two wrongs make a right? Good

logic! Why did you want to go back to Camilla when your relationship was shot? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Going back to an ex is the biggest mistake a man ever makes.” So now she wants to date other men to get back at you. Tell me, big mouth, how did she find out about your two other girlfriends? When you try to convince her not to date someone else, you’re talking to the wall. It’s a big waste of time. Yes, you should tell Camilla to go out with another guy, but you should add: “Please don’t ever call me again.” She won’t regret going out with another guy because you were out a long time ago. You have to realize that Camilla regrets nothing. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s just playing with you on the way out, that’s all.” When she came back from her last trip, she made no effort whatsoever to get a hold of you, right? That meant you were out way back then. All this talking, as they say in the car business, is nothing but a lot of “chin music.”

it's over Camilla’s not asking permission to cheat on you. If she goes out with another guy, it can’t even be called cheating, because she has no interest in you. You’re not together, she doesn’t like you, she’s playing with your head and you can’t break up with her because she’s not your girlfriend. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Other than that, you’re really sharp!” Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Doc Love: She's A Player Hey Doc, I am a 24-year-old college student. I met Lynn, 22, three months ago in class. She mentioned that she had a long-distance boyfriend of two years, but all she ever did was complain about him. I wrote her off as a potential date. But Lynn liked me and wasn’t having that. She texted me, and that led to phone calls. For the most part, she was the one making the contact. We talked every night for up to two hours. She began hanging out with me and always ignored her boyfriend’s calls. Then she started saying: “I wish you were him.” There were clear signs she was falling in love with me. She came over one day to watch a movie, and we kissed. After that moment, I knew that we had chemistry. Kissing led to making out. She started seeing me every day.

return of the ex Then Lynn told me that her ex was coming to town for a wedding and that he’d be staying with her. I asked what she was going to do. She said she wanted to be with me and that she was going to break up with him when he arrived. She did, and things were great for the following month. Then she started acting distant. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was stressed over her new job. She also mentioned that her ex was moving here. I asked her what would happen, and her response was: “Nothing. I’m not going to see him. I’m in love with you.”

a double life Now here’s where it got really weird. Lynn and I had a dinner date, but she didn’t show up. I called her parents’ house, and her mom told me that she’d gone to the airport to pick up her boyfriend and that he was going to be with her for the next three days. Then she told me that Lynn had mentioned my name and that I was helping her with her schoolwork, but she didn’t know we were dating. She then said that her daughter must be living a double life and that I would have to wait this one out. In other words, Lynn and her ex never broke up! I was destroyed. Now Lynn says she just wants to be friends and that she’ll let me know when she’s ready to be with me again. I found out that her boyfriend discovered flirty notes I wrote to Lynn. He wants to know if she cheated on him. There are pictures of Lynn and me kissing on my Facebook page, and it’s only a matter of time before he finds them.

is there any hope? Doc, Lynn claimed that we were a couple, but never broke up with her ex. Didn’t she technically cheat on us both? Did she plan all along on being with her ex? Was I played? Did I make a mistake that made her decide to be with him over me? What was she planning on doing with me if I hadn’t found out that they never broke up? Does she really care about me? Is her confusion real or just a ploy? Is she torn over whom to be with? Should I wait for their inevitable breakup and then take my chances to discover what the two of us could have had, or is it time to mark this one a memory and move on? Washington - who is in great distress Read on for Doc Love's advice on how to deal with a female player...

doc love's response

Hi Washington, Writing off Lynn as a potential date because you knew she had a boyfriend lurking in the background was the smartest, most perfect thing you did with this girl. Now let’s proceed downhill, shall we? When you say Lynn wasn’t letting you tell her "no," do you mean she put a gun to your head or a knife to your throat? You told her you didn’t want to go out with her at the beginning, and then you gave in. Why? Because you were letting your Interest Level dictate your moves. My friend, you have no Self-Control, no Patience and no Discipline. To boot, you’re not a Challenge at all. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Other than that, your girl digs all your other manly traits.”

you came on too strong You only talked to Lynn for two hours every night? Gosh, you should have talked for four hours! You have to come on real heavy with a girl, Washington, don’t you know that? You have to crush her with attention so that she knows you’re not a Challenge. If you did, you wouldn’t have all the problems you have now. But seriously, you were suffocating the girl while her boyfriend was still around, calling her all the time. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Boy, that’s some backbone you got there!” When Lynn’s ex announced that he was coming to stay with her and she said she was going to dump him, why didn’t you ask her to call him right then and there and tell him to forget it? Or you could have told her that you would pay for her ex’s hotel room. But you didn’t. Like my cousin General Love says: “That’s because you’re not a trained Spartan!”

she never wanted to be with you Lynn didn’t just start “acting distant.” She was being distant because her Interest Level in you was dropping faster than the oil in the Gulf of Mexico. And besides, she had to give all of her time to her boyfriend. She wasn’t stressed at all over her job. She was stressed over how she was going to get rid of you because she didn’t know how to do it. When her ex came into town and she didn’t tell him to beat it, that meant she was saying no to you, because you can only have one boyfriend at a time. Now let me get this straight. When Lynn told you that she was in love with you, couldn’t you figure out that she was a pathological liar? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You might go to college, but I can see you’re not a Psych major!” What do you mean this is where it gets really weird? I got news for you, Washington: It was weird already. How many warnings do you need? It looks to me like half the red flags in China are waving. Dude, wake up!

But Lynn still insists that she loves you. Does loving you mean she had to go and pick up her boyfriend from the airport and dump the guy who was just a fill-in for a couple of weeks? She wasn’t living a double life; she’s just a player! Read on for Doc's answers to Washington's questions...

you should have known better Lynn and her ex never broke up? I’m shocked! I would have lost all my money had I bet on that one! The only thing you did right with this babe was turning her down at the beginning. But you couldn’t hold on to it. You fumbled the ball at the two-yard line. When she was swearing to you over the phone that she loved you and broke up with this other guy, I’ll bet he was blowing in her ear right at that moment. But she wants you to believe that she’ll tell you when she can be with you. Wow, what a sweet, loving girl Lynn is. The more you tell me about her, the more I like her! So what if the ex finds those incriminating pictures of you and her? He’ll get mad at her and tell her to jump in the river and then she’ll be back in your arms. Then when you have babies with her, you can call them Idiot One and Idiot Two.

she's a player and you were played As to your questions, yes, she cheated on both of you, which means she’s working two fools. Yes, she planned all along on being with her ex. And, yes, you were played. No, she didn’t have to make a choice between the two of you. You see, Washington, you were never in because he was never out. What was she planning on doing with you? She was going to keep playing you and the other turkey. No, she doesn’t care about you at all -- you’re just her toy. The only people confused here are her boyfriend and you. Lynn’s not confused at all. And no, she’s not in love with either of you. She’s in love with herself, and she’s a drama queen. Should you wait for their breakup so you can discover what you can really have together? The chances of that happening are about as good as Joran Van Der Sloot telling the truth. Should you mark this experience a memory and start moving on? Washington, that’s the best thing you said. Remember, guys: Until the boyfriend is gone, don’t go near her.

Doc Love: Give Up Hey Doc, I just started reading your column, and I need your advice. I was driving through the bank parking lot when I observed Deirdre, a very beautiful woman with a great set of legs, standing at the drive-up ATM. I pulled up to her and said: “Hey, you’re supposed to be in a car to use that machine.” She turned around and said: “Oh, hi! I work here.” We both realized that we had met in passing before. We talked for a few minutes, and she told me that she needed to get back to work. I said goodbye to her and added, “And by the way, great legs!” Her eyes lit up, and she beamed me a smile.

just dropping in A few days later, I stopped by the bank and Deirdre and I talked for five minutes. I managed to see her there twice a week for the next month. Each time I saw her, she seemed excited. Then she told me to stop by her house to talk. When I showed up at her door, we laughed and told stories. Afterward, I stopped by her house regularly. I kept these house calls short and only called twice a week. Finally, Deirdre offered me her phone number and e-mail address. I asked her out to lunch a week later, to which she muttered: “It’s too early. I’m not ready.” I told her to think about it and let me know. Then we set a date for lunch. But the night before, she e-mailed me saying that she really didn’t want to go. I replied that it was okay and that we could go another day. I saw her the next day, and she was her usual flirty, talkative self.

the dreaded text Two days later, I got the “I’m not interested in dating” text from her. I replied that I understood and haven’t contacted Deirdre since. It’s been a week. To round out the full picture, she’s 50, was married 25 years, has kids and has been divorced for six months. Am I out at first base or does she really need time and space? Should I wait a while and try to call her later? I need coaching! Jalen - who thought he had her in the bag

doc love's response Hi Jalen, You shouldn’t have told this woman she had great legs. What you should have done instead was ask for her home phone or cell phone number. So you screwed up right out of the gate.

When you stopped at the bank and talked to Deirdre, you had another chance to go for the phone number. So you screwed up a second time. When you kept going to the bank to see her, you messed up again and again by not asking for her phone number. You need to get a hold of “The System” and memorize it right now, dude. Clearly you don’t know what to do. Reading a couple of my columns is not going to give you all the strategy you need, especially when you’re as clueless as you seem. What are you waiting for? Read on to learn why Jalen should give up...

the wrong moves When Deirdre asked you to stop by her house, you should have asked for her number instead. Why are you stopping by her house regularly when you’re not dating this woman? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Maybe she’s hoping that you’ll eventually fix her pipes or mow her lawn.” Just hanging out with this woman is doing it all wrong. You should be taking her out instead of dillydallying with her. When you continue to go to the bank to say hi, it sounds like you’re checking in on her for some reason. All this stopping in on Deirdre is doing you absolutely no good. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “When you hang around a babe all the time, all you’re doing is butchering Challenge.” That is if you even know what Challenge is, because it sure sounds like you don’t.

just not that into you Finally, Deirdre gave you her phone number and e-mail address. But by that time, it was too late. You should have gotten it way back when she told you it was too early to go out on a date. You should have known to give up right then. You’re not ever going to have a chance with her. You told her to think about it, but there was nothing to think about, because you were already history. Deirdre doesn’t want to go out with you, my friend. Sorry. Guy, you set a date for lunch, not Deirdre. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When you look up the word ‘begging’ in the dictionary, your face is there.” Of course she e-mailed you that she didn’t want to go out, because she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Deirdre was her usual flirty, talkative self afterward, but that’s just how she is. She was just flirting with you all along. That’s all there is to it. This woman has no interest in you whatsoever. That long text she sent telling you to flake off meant that even if you were the last man on the face of the planet, you wouldn’t have a chance. You told Deirdre you understood her rejection, but I don’t think you really did. Jalen, the truth is that you never had anything going with this woman from the beginning. What happened after you didn’t ask for her number and hung around too much at the bank and her house was that she got to know you and didn’t like you.

it's time to give up the game Jalen, you’re not out at first base. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, you took a third strike at the plate!” Deirdre doesn’t really need time and space; she just needs to find someone she’s interested in -- and it’s not you. Remember, guys: Unless you do what I tell you to do, you’re wasting your time, and it's time to give up.

Doc Love: Reasons For Rejection Hey Doc, First of all, a shout-out from Brazil! I just started to read your columns, and I hope you can help me with the following situation. I had a year-and-a-half relationship with an amazing girl named Fernanda. Like every normal couple, we had our disagreements, but we always managed to sort them out through good oldfashioned talking. No yelling, no disrespect -- just decent reasoning over the point of discussion. We spent two weeks together traveling to the city where her folks live. After those two weeks, I returned to my hometown while she stayed with her parents for another 10 days. There were no problems between us.

the text that wasn't enough Four days after I left, Fernanda’s grandmother passed away. She texted me in the morning with the bad news, and I answered right away expressing my condolences and telling her that I was sorry for her and her family. But I only called her later that night, which made her really upset and disappointed in me. We had a serious conversation, and I managed to deal with the situation, and everything seemed to go back to normal afterward. But to my surprise, we talked the next day, and she wasn’t behaving as usual, which scared me. Now here’s the big problem: Two days after her grandmother passed away, she broke up with me over the phone, which, in my opinion, is a lousy way to end a relationship. I did it with an ex-girlfriend and really felt bad afterward. Fernanda cried a lot during the conversation, but basically said she couldn’t forgive me for what I did to her feelings. She also claimed that we were having a lot of arguments when we traveled together, so she finally decided to end it.

rejected for what?

I respected Fernanda’s decision and said I was sorry about the “grandmother incident” but that I didn’t share the same opinion about the number of arguments we were having. I’m sure that she’s hiding something, but we always trusted each other, and I don’t think she ever fooled around with somebody else during our time together. And I also know that her Interest Level in me was in the 80s when we were together. Doc, could not calling immediately when Fernanda’s grandmother died really be a good reason to end a relationship? Waldo - who suspects there’s something else going on

doc love's response Hi Waldo, Thanks for reading my column in Brazil. And I want to remind you that my techniques work in Mongolia just as well as they do in Montana. That means they also work in Brazil, but please remember that you have to have my full program in order to be completely successful. My columns only point the way. Now let me straighten you out about something: Happy couples don't have disagreements. That said, it’s good that you could sit and talk with Fernanda and that she’s not the kind of lady who goes bananas. It shows that she’s the type of person who can be worked and reasoned with. However, how many disagreements are you two having? That’s the key question here, as we’ll see later on. Are you having one blowout every three or four months, or are you having two or three a week? What's Doc Love's diagnosis for Waldo's rejection? Find out... When you left Fernanda with her parents, there may have been no problems between the two of you in your mind, but what about hers? In her mind, you two might have been having all kinds of problems. You’re just telling me what you think was going on, which might very well be far from the reality of the situation.

a text doesn't cut it You shouldn’t have merely texted Fernanda when her grandmother died. When somebody passes away, pick the phone up and call. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Texting is kind of cold. I got a friendlier message from my draft board.” I know you’re bent out of shape ove getting the boot by phone, but there is no good way to end a relationship. What did you want Fernanda to do, have a two-hour sit-down dinner to announce the end and tell you what a great guy you are? When you’re the dumpee, you get the ax however the dumper wants to give you the ax. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from

East L.A. says: “Ask the people of Cleveland how it felt when LeBron James dumped them on national TV.” Dude, you felt bad when you broke up with your ex because you left too soon. Had you gone with her longer, you would have built up lots of resentment and you wouldn’t have cared how you got rid of her. But what kills me is that Fernanda cried when she had low Interest Level in you. My friend, you’re the one who should be crying!

travel trouble When Fernanda claimed that you two were having lots of arguments when you traveled together, that was the key to what went down. You were lowering her Interest Level by fighting with her. Any time you go on a trip with a woman, especially when you’re with her for 14 straight days, it’s really hard to be perfect. And what happened here was that when her grandmother passed away, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. That was when her Interest Level dropped from 51% to 49%. To you Psych majors: You have to really own a woman when you travel with her, because you’re together all the time and there’s nowhere to hide. You might have not been bothered by the arguments you and Fernanda were having on your trip, but they sure as heck were bothering her! Guys, the principle is simple: Arguing lowers Interest Level. And Fernanda’s not hiding anything, pal. Don’t try to blame what happened with her on someone else. You lowered her Interest Level on the trip by arguing with her. And then you didn’t call her when her grandmother died, when you should have called her every day for at least three or four days running to see how she was doing and showed her that you had feelings. Instead, you just texted her and then called her too late. Very cold.

reason for rejection In the end, your insensitivity was Fernanda’s excuse to reject you -- and it was a valid one in her mind. You might have thought that her Interest Level was solidly in the 80s, but since you don’t have “The System,” you don’t really know for sure that it was that high. But the main point is this: No matter where her Interest Level was, it went south during the trip because of all the bickering. Those fights drove her Interest Level from 80% to 51%. When her grandmother passed away, it dipped from 51% to 49%. Then there was no turning back, and that’s when you got your walking papers. Remember, guys: When you take a trip with a woman, you better make sure her Interest Level is 100%.

Doc Love: Getting Stood Up Hey Doc, I’m a fairly new student, as I’ve only read “The System” once. At my new job, Miranda immediately caught my eye. One day I asked her out for a drink. She said yes, but then I had a schedule conflict and couldn’t do it. She invited me to reschedule, but I never got around to it. In the meantime, another woman I work with, Heidi, invited me to hang out with her and a bunch of her friends at a bar on karaoke night. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to reconnect with Miranda since she and Heidi are friends. I know your position on group dates, so I decided that I would do it a little differently.

left alone at the bar I texted Miranda, telling her the group plans, and asked her if she’d like to come along. She said yes, and I told her that I would get a separate table, away from Heidi’s group, so that we could talk to each other with fewer distractions. She was perfectly fine with that idea. That night, I arrived at the bar and texted Miranda to let her know I was there. No response. After waiting 30 minutes, I was joined by a buddy and proceeded with the night as if nothing had changed. My friend pointed out that I’d been stood up by Miranda and suggested I text her. I said no based mostly (if not entirely) on what I’ve gleaned so far from your principles. I treated it like a one-pitch tourney. They only get one pitch to look at and I throw nothing but strikes. Their only option is to either hit the ball or be called out. In Miranda’s case, I grooved her a hanging curveball right over the middle of the plate, but she couldn’t hit it. In my mind, she struck out.

reasons or excuses? A couple hours later, after my friend and I hopped to another bar, I got a text from Miranda. She said that she had fallen asleep watching a movie and was very sorry. I didn’t buy her excuse. Also, missing from her apology was any hint of a counteroffer. My response was to say “No problem,” to show that I was completely unfazed. I expect that at some point Miranda will shoot me a “fishing text” to see how I feel. When and if this happens, how should I deal with it? Second, what if she asks me out later, or what if she approaches me with a delayed counteroffer? How should I handle that? I understand that things happen and my previous assumptions could be wrong, but if the tables turn and I’m the one in the batter’s box, I don’t want to get hit by the pitch either.

Bryant - who wants to win the game of getting stood up

doc love's response Hi Bryant, First of all, let me explain something to you. You have to read my book 15 times in order to get its full effect. So forget television and read the Dating Dictionary once a week for 15 weeks. To you Psych majors, unless you immerse yourself in my program, you won’t get it. Now let’s take a look at your schedule conflict. Right off the bat you screwed up, Bryant. You asked a girl out when you had something else to do. So you blew your chance with her. Then you never got around to rescheduling. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “How could you be so sloppy, paisan?” Think about it: A girl asks you to reschedule and you don’t do it. What’s wrong with you, pal? Don’t you understand that you have to be assertive? You have to jump on leads. You have to close. But you’re not a leader and you’re doing everything wrong. And this is why you need to read my book 15 times. Doc explains what else could have prevented this situation next... As if messing up that first date wasn’t bad enough, then you went and muddied the waters by getting Heidi involved. Why? Heidi shouldn’t have been anywhere near this situation. These are two separate deals, Bryant. You don’t have two relationships going with these women, so why did you insist on such a foolhardy arrangement?

a group date by any other name... You shouldn’t have asked Miranda to meet you at a bar with a gang of people you work with. You should have gone out with her alone. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you ask a girl out. You’re mixing oil and water here, buddy. You might think that you’re going to talk to the girl with fewer distractions, but you’re still in the same room as all these other people you know who could cause you any number of problems. It’s a messy setup and can lead to nothing good. Why did you text Miranda when you got to the bar? Were you checking in with her? Miranda’s a big girl. She knew she was supposed to be at the bar. She wasn’t there because she didn’t want to be there. No reason for a text message. You might think you were running a one-pitch tourney with Miranda, but the truth of the matter is that you struck out with her long before karaoke night. And by the way, my program tells you never to use the phrase “no problem,” because there are two negatives in it. Another mistake. It’s clear you haven’t memorized my materials, Bryant.

dead in the water You don’t have to worry about Miranda shooting you a fishing text. She’ll never contact you again as long as you’re on the face of the planet. Think about it: You can’t even pull off a first date with her, so why should she call you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She already knows all she needs to know about you.” But if she does call you, don’t deal with her at all. Erase her message. But do you actually think this girl is going to hit you up two years later with a delayed counteroffer after she doesn’t show up for a date? Keep dreaming. You screwed this thing up when you failed to come through with that first date, guy. Then you went for a group date when I tell you in my program no group dates. So what did you do? You bent the rule and tried to modify it. No wonder you flopped. Don’t modify my precepts -just do what I tell you to do and you’ll be OK. Remember, guys: until you have“The System” memorized, it’s not going to work.

Doc Love: Get Her Back Hey Doc, I became your student a few months ago out of necessity and, like most guys, at the moment when it was too late to fix the current situation. I agree with everything “The System,” teaches us, verifying it with some of my personal experiences and with some of my friends who know how to deal with women. The one thing I cannot comprehend, though, is that once her Interest Level goes down, it never recovers. I’m currently struggling with that notion concerning an ex-girlfriend, Carrie. When we met I was really into her, but I chose an indirect approach, so we started as friends. There were sparks flying from both sides when we hung out together. She was the best woman I’ve ever met, suiting me completely, physically and intellectually, and with many of the crucial character traits you mention in your book: Integrity, Flexibility and Giving.

taking it to the next level One time we got drunk and made out. A week later, I asked her to go steady. She was reluctant and decided against it because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship. A week later she called and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her, but I told her that I couldn’t be just friends with her. Anyway, one day Carrie called and said she wanted to be with me. That’s when we started a

beautiful relationship, and during the first two months she fell completely in love with me. Her Interest Level was in the high 90s and she told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she started talking about our future. But then I became too available, and it inevitably led to a drop in her Interest Level. From out of the blue came the “We need to talk” call. Carrie said that although I was a great guy and she really had fun with me, she had started losing her interest and respect for me, so it was for the best that we break up.

the hole gets deeper I didn’t take it easily. I continued to call and e-mail her. I literally begged my way back into a relationship with Carrie. She said she was willing to try one more time with me. At around that time I found out about “The System.” Some time passed, the relationship was OK, but not exactly like the first time. So, I broke up with her because I wasn’t happy with her Interest Level and I figured out that I shouldn’t try to keep her if she didn’t want to keep me in the first place. Barely a month has passed, and although I know that I did the right thing, I still can’t get over Carrie. I hope she’ll come back to me on her knees because that’s the only way I could take her back. I heard she’s already in a new relationship, but I guess it’s just a rebound. Is it possible that her Interest Level for me will start rising if I become a Challenge to her again? Is it possible to become a Challenge when a girl at one point already saw you as a nonChallenge? This one is worth keeping, but I just don’t know if it’s possible after all that has happened. Coach me, Doc! Wilmer - who’s carrying a torch

doc love's response Hi Wilmer, After you memorize “The System,” you’re going to discover that it’s going to cover all of your personal experiences, not just some of them. So you have a lot to look forward to, my friend. Now let me explain to you how Interest Level works. Interest Level is like a rubber band. If you stretch a rubber band until it snaps, you can never use it again. A rubber band that’s still intact versus one that’s been broken is the difference between an Interest Level of 51% and an Interest Level of 49%. Once the band is snapped, it’s over. Read on to find out Doc Love's solution to Wilmer's dilemma... You shouldn’t have taken an indirect approach with Carrie. To you Psych majors: You can’t be friends with a woman and then switch tracks. I don’t know where that notion came into your head because it won’t work. And by the way, you don’t “hang out” with a girl. With

“The System,” you date a girl. If she doesn’t want to date you, you move on. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Ain’t no point in wastin’ time.” Carrie should have asked you to go steady, not the other way around. Because when she asks you, you know it’s the right time. When you ask, however, you don’t know if it’s the right time. But more importantly, she was reluctant because she had low Interest Level, not because she had the altruistic motive of ruining your friendship. If her Interest Level was 100%, she would have said, “Honey, forget friendship, I couldn't care less about that!”

don't shoot yourself in the foot You told Carrie that you couldn’t be just friends with her? Oh, you’re just a poor little lamb who can’t take the pain. Wilmer, why are you baring your soul to a woman who has no feelings for you? Dumb, dumb, dumb. When Carrie called you and said she wanted to be with you, you should have told her to get back to you in two weeks because you want to think about it. Gosh, what a Challenge you are. The “we need to talk” call means that Carrie’s Interest Level is down in the 40s. And she not only lost interest in you, she lost respect for you. Why? Because you’re just a teddy bear guy, too available and boringly predictable. Other than that you’re a really attractive catch. And what did you do when Carrie gave you the brush? You begged on hands and knees. Did you feel masculine begging a girl for a relationship, Wilmer? Do you actually think it’s the manly thing to do? And do you really want a girl that you have to beg to be with you? You know why it wasn’t like the first time? Because it’s never like the first time when you have to beg a woman for a second chance. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Dawg, when it’s the second time around, it’s already over.” But at least it finally sank in for you that she wanted nothing to do with you -- congratulations.

she's just not interested Dude, why would this girl come back to you on her knees when her Interest Level is mired in the 30s? Women come crawling back when their Interest Level is 95%. Carrie has no interest in you, and you still don’t get it. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If she had high Interest Level, she wouldn’t have left in the first place.” So, no, Carrie won’t come back to you now when you try to be a Challenge. Challenge only works when her Interest Level is 51% or higher. Likewise you can’t become a Challenge again once you’re not a Challenge. She keeps track, and you can’t erase the fact that her interest has dipped below 50%. Like my cousin General Love says: “You’re not on her radar anymore, soldier.”

the point of no return Wilmer, I have bad news for you: You can’t keep Carrie because you don’t have her to keep. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She’s in the arms of another guy making out with him half drunk.” Remember, guys: Unless her Interest Level is 51% or higher, you’re wasting your time.

Doc Love: She's Not Loyal Hey Doc, I’ve got a crazy situation here, but I think you can handle it. I started dating Katie about six months ago, and at first all signals were go. High Interest Level, consistent behavior and no red flags that I could see. I took my time, never texted, spread the dates out, and made sure that they were memorable and adventurous. Basically, everything “The System” told me to do. I took her kayaking at midnight and she loved it. Combined with the air of mystery I gave out -- acting like a rock-solid guy, but one that “no female could ever control” -- Katie’s Interest Level was in the stratosphere. Things changed about 15 dates (or four months) in. And, of course, that’s why you tell us to take our sweet old time. Katie is deadly attractive. By the 10th date she had broached the subject of exclusivity after we left a party. “Are you still dating other people?” she ventured. I replied, “No more than two or three a week.” She punched me in the arm and dropped the subject. Within two more dates she had more or less declared that I was the guy she’d been looking for, and then mentioned having children together and getting married. I responded with, “You’re incredible, but that kind of thing is only proved over time.”

caught in the act Then it happened a couple of days later. I went to have lunch with a buddy from the office and found Katie sitting in the restaurant eating with another guy, which would have been no problem if it were professional. But she was actually touching the guy’s shoulder with her hand and leaning in toward him. She saw me walk in, and her eyes flipped back in her head like someone on an episode of Cheaters. When she regained her composure, we greeted each other professionally, and I managed to eat, though I was dying inside. That night I got three voice mails from Katie, but didn’t call back. Then she showed up at my house at 11 at night. I played it cool. “I’m sorry you saw that, but it wasn’t what it seemed,” she said. “He was an old boyfriend who was here on business.” I told Katie that we weren’t

engaged but that it was obvious to me that she was having a romantic lunch when I saw her, and that it was a good thing that I’d avoided becoming exclusive since “absolute trust” is at the top of my list for a woman.

a second chance? This all happened a week ago, and Katie continues to call me three times a day at minimum. I’ve only picked up the phone twice, kept it Cocky and cool, but haven’t planned any more dates, which is driving her nuts. In the wake of this I asked around, and found out that Katie is regarded as a bit of a “serial flirter.” I have no intention of marrying a serial flirter, and I seriously doubt I can change her. But I miss her pretty badly, and her Interest Level still seems to be in the stratosphere. Should I give Katie another chance, make her wait a while or throw her into the "Too Much Trouble" file? By the way, I was planning on marrying this girl. Jerome - who still can’t believe she's not loyal

doc love's response Hi Jerome, Before we get into your crazy problem, I want to congratulate you on all the things you did to hook this girl. Your tactics were absolutely magnificent. If guys would understand how important it is to take their time and give Challenge a chance to work its magic -- and to do it on a continuous basis throughout the whole relationship -- they would have a lot less trouble with women. If you can't understand how Jerome got the girl, do yourself a favor and read “The System” immediately. Doc Love explains why she's not loyal...

first mistake When Katie asked you about your other women, you should have said to her, “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” Then you should have closed her because she was saying in Womanese that she wanted to be your girlfriend. And when she said yes to your question, you should have said, “Give me a week to think it over.” At the end of that week, you should have told her, “I’ll be your boyfriend, but on one condition.” She would, of course, have asked, “What?” And that’s when you come back with, “Do you have any contact at all with any of your exes?” If she said yes, then your response should have been, “Let’s just leave it that way, then.” If, on the other hand, Katie said she had no contact with her exes, you could have become her boyfriend. Seeing her with her ex was what it seemed, no matter what Katie protested. So now we have

an old boyfriend lurking in the background, which is a big no-no. That’s why, when she hinted that she wanted you to be her boyfriend, you should have brought up whether there were any exes in the background right then and there. That way, this situation wouldn’t have happened, and if it had, it would have been a clear signal that your girlfriend has no Loyalty. That said, you did say the right thing when you told her that absolute trust was your No. 1 requirement in a woman. But you could have cleared it up in the beginning with a preemptive strike.

stroking her ego You’re not really driving Katie nuts, Jerome. You’re driving her ego nuts. Because let’s face it, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If this girl had 95% Interest Level in you, she wouldn’t have been touching another man.” It’s that simple. Why are you talking to a bunch of people about your love life? Don’t you realize that these people are going to inject their own agenda into what they say to you about Katie? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You can’t trust anyone out there, especially if this girl is drop-dead gorgeous.” Dude, they probably want to take Katie out themselves. Keep your mouth shut! Katie isn’t a flirt. You just happened to go out with a girl who isn’t Loyal, that’s all. And she’s not a serial flirter. She just doesn’t happen to know anything about what the term Loyalty means.

file under disloyal Katie shouldn’t go into the "Too Much Trouble" file. She should go into the "No Integrity" file because that’s where she really belongs. I’m sure you were planning on marrying Katie. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Maybe the guy she was having lunch with could be the best man.” Remember, guys: With Doc Love, loyalty is numero uno.

Doc Love: She Wants Out Hey Doc, I've read "The System" and I have a concern. I’ve been with my fiance, Kristi, for four and a half years now (we’ve been living together for two of those years). Lately, things have been really strange. I’ve noticed that she has not been wearing the engagement ring for about three weeks now. She’s been putting in extra hours at work and stayed out late twice in the last two

weeks without telling me where she was going. When I confronted her about this, she told me that she’s not sure about how she feels about us. This threw me for a loop, since in my mind things were great and we were pretty solid. She then went on to say that we are not ready financially for marriage and not ready to start a family -- another shocker. I told her that most couples, when they get married, are not exactly rolling in the dough initially and she needs to stop overanalyzing things. She then said that I’m thinking with my emotions and have rose-colored glasses on. This hurt me because it seems to me that she is looking for excuses to delay or even not marry me.

mixed messages I’m so confused. These past three weeks have been really draining. I recently got laid off and something tells me that this is part of the reason for all of this mess. Kristi mentioned during one of our arguments that we were living off her dime and if she were to lose her job she wouldn’t know what to do. This was really hurtful because it communicates that she’s resentful that she’s paying most of the major bills. We live in a condominium that she purchased, I don’t make nearly as much as she does and it was wrong for her to rub this in my face. Kristi stresses the fact that the money is not the issue and reminds me that when we started dating I was unemployed. I’m not sure what to make of my situation and whether she sincerely wants to marry me. Should I move out? Please coach me. Amare - who feels diminished

doc love's response Hi Amare, It’s great that you’ve noticed that things are really strange. Most guys don’t notice that things are strange until late in the game -- meaning when they’re already on the way out. My program teaches you to notice that things aren’t right much, much earlier. In fact, “The System” helps you keep things from ever getting out of hand in the first place. The fact that Kristi is not wearing her engagement ring is the biggest insult she could have leveled at you. What she’s telling you -- physically, not verbally -- is that you are out. She’s saying that she has no interest whatsoever in marrying you. Not wearing her ring says it all, pal. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Actions speak louder than words, grasshopper.”

lies and deceit Of course Kristi isn’t going to tell you where she’s going at night. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s got to meet some new guys, doesn’t she?” Telling you

anything will just cramp her style. Gosh, you don’t expect her to be alone after you’re out of the picture, do you? Come on, Amare, wake up and smell the coffee. When a woman says she’s not sure how she feels about you, that means her Interest Level is below 50%. And that means you’re in real trouble. If you thought you were pretty solid, it means you’re just like all the other turkeys out there. A couple of years ago Hulk Hogan was informed by a reporter that his wife had left him. Now, at 50, she’s marrying a 21-year-old boy toy. Poor Hulk thought things were pretty solid too, you know. Doc Love has the reasons behind this failing relationship next...

she speaks the truth Kristi is certainly correct that you’re in no financial position to try and start a family. But if she was a Giver and had 95% Interest Level in you, she would be willing to work around it. That’s the central point that you have to understand here. Obviously, she’s not head-overheels for you anymore -- if she ever was. It’s a half-truth that you’re wearing rose-colored glasses. But the truth is that we do live in an economic society. Yes, your being broke is an excuse for Kristi not wanting to marry you. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You can’t be havin’ babies when you’re broke.” But the more important point is that she wouldn’t want or need an economic excuse if she was wild for you. Let me give you this parallel example. When you tell a stupid joke to a woman whose interest in you is 95%, she’ll laugh her head off. If she’s planning to dump you, your joke is just corny. To you Psych majors: It's all Interest Level.

her true colors When you got a pink slip from your job, it just proved Kristi’s argument. And what it means now is that you have no position or power in this relationship at all. It’s true that if she lost her job, she wouldn’t know what to do. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “Then you could both stand in the unemployment line together.” Of course Kristi is resentful of you. But the real reason she’s not happy paying the bills is because she has low Interest Level in you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If she was on the drug of high interest, she’d go out and take two jobs to support you.” I don’t think that Kristi is rubbing your financial differences in your face. She’s just stating the facts. But the facts are growing out of her feelings for you. Unwittingly, she makes a good point that when you met you were unemployed because, as I’ve been saying all along, when she was madly in love with you, it didn’t matter what was or wasn’t in your pockets. That said, you do have to have money coming in. Women cannot stand guys who are out of work. That’s just the way they’re built. And they have to be built that way because they need

to protect the family. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “To keep a woman satisfied, the more you make, the better.”

a dose of reality I have bad news for you, guy. Kristi doesn’t want to marry you. Yes, you should move out, because you have nothing: You don’t own the condo, you don’t own Kristi’s heart and you don’t own a job. Like my cousin General Love says: “So what good are you as a male?” That’s just the way most women see it. Remember, guys: Interest Level cuts everything.

Doc Love: Receiving Mixed Signals Hey Doc, I met the beautiful Crystal through a mutual friend after a wedding one night. We didn’t talk much, but there was a lot of body language. I got her number at the end of the night, and waited six days to call her. She didn’t answer, and I didn’t leave a message or call back. Crystal called me a couple of days later and wanted me to hang out with her and our mutual friend. We did, and had a fun night that ended in a kiss. Crystal and I have since gone out on five dates, we’ve kissed on every one of them, but she is still hard to read. She had a boyfriend that she broke up with about a week before we met. He still tries to contact her all the time; she responds to him, and it gets confusing for me. The other day I was talking to our mutual friend about it and told her “Your friend is really hard to figure out.” She laughed and said that Crystal likes me. Nothing else was said.

wacky womanese That night I got the following e-mail from Crystal: “I heard that I am hard to figure out? True! I want to let you know that I do like you and like being around you, but at the same time I just wanna have fun! Meaning, I’m not looking for anything serious or a boyfriend unless one day it just happens, and it feels right. I’ve just been so tied down and in and out of relationships. It’s hard, and I just wanted to let ya know. And I also wanted you to know that you can always ask me stuff and I’ll always be up front and honest with you.” I responded with “Slow down, we just met, but I am happy that you like me.” And that was it. Doc, can you translate this Womanese for me? What should I do now? Ennio - who still can’t read her

doc love's response Hi Ennio, It was perfect that you waited six days to call Crystal after reading the signs and getting her phone number. A perfect application of “The System.” You are doing it all right, pal. So far, so good. Then it went all downhill from there. Instead of calling and hanging up when you wanted a date, you should have left a message for Crystal. The rule on this has changed. If you don’t hear anything back from the girl when you call her, after another week you’re going to call her a second time. If she doesn’t return two phone calls, she’s out. Why would you hang out with Crystal and your mutual friend? This is a group date, which is a no-no. And you shouldn’t have kissed Crystal on the first date -- you kiss the girl on the second date. So, you’re moving way too fast, pal. Know why this girl is so hard to read? Because she has low Interest Level in you. To you Psych majors: When the girl likes you, she lets you know it. Doc Love tells Ennio how to deal with this situation next...

grow up When you tell this mutual friend of yours that Crystal is hard to figure out, you’re really making a negative comment about Crystal and putting her down. And you’re not thinking -as you should be -- that the comment is going straight back to her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “You’re acting like a little boy checking up on this girl.” That’s what I don’t like about this whole setup. It’s idiotic, not to mention immature, because your behavior is no more sophisticated than a child’s. And like my cousin General Love says: “And you sure as heck don’t know anything about keeping your mouth shut!” When this mutual friend of yours said that Crystal liked you, it told you absolutely nothing. But when Crystal mentioned that she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a relationship, right there she was telling you that you were out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’s just going out with you to kill time until she finds someone she really digs.” And that also explains why, when she does go out with you, she has to have your friend along as a chaperone. She doesn’t want to go out with you alone because then it would be a bona fide date. Get it, Ennio?

wasting your time

When Crystal said “it’s hard,” she was saying to you right up front that you don’t have a chance with her. She was telling you in no uncertain terms to forget about it. And that’s what you have to understand here. This whole escapade with Crystal and your friend has all been a big waste of time. And here’s the proof: Crystal’s letting you know now, after the fact, that she went out with you five times when she had low Interest Level in you. Don’t worry about Crystal slowing down, guy. You’re the one who should be slowing down. This babe is dumping you, and she’s trying to get it across to you any which way she can. She’s not available because she doesn’t like you on a dating basis. With “The System,” we don’t look for the reasons why, we just look at the bottom line. And that’s why my program includes the Bottom Line Factor. Like I’ve always said, one of my jobs is to help you face reality and not waste time.

the door is shut What’s the translation of Crystal’s Womanese? Simple. She’s saying to you that you’re out forever. There’s nothing for you to do now except throw Crystal’s phone number into the toilet, flush it and look for someone who has genuine interest in you. Remember, guys: If you date a girl five times and you still don’t know what’s going on, she either has low Interest Level or you don’t have “The System” memorized.

http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio-schedule.cfm http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio.cfm/shows/The-Doc-Love-Show-UnderstandingWomen-for-Men-Only.html mms://madison.wm-live.abacast.com/wsradio-wsradio-32?MSWMExt=.asf

Missing articles: Doc Love: Going out with beautiful women How To Keep Beautiful Women Interested

Top 5 Female "Brush-Off" Phrases Can Beautiful Women Be Loyal? Can The System Save A Marriage? Never Stray From "The System" What To Do When She Keeps Her Ex Around When Women Give You Mixed Signals Should You Trust Her? Never Give Women Too Much, Too Soon How Do You Go From Friendship To More? Never Beg Women For A Second Chance Can "The System" Ruin A Relationship? When She's A Pushover

Continuation The following articles are sorted in a chronological manner.

Doc Love: Still Married Hey Doc, I’m really clueless as to what I should do about the situation I’m in. I was with Kayla for over one month. We had an OK time, we enjoyed each others' company, and we both said “I love you” to each other. She was my second girlfriend, while I’m Kayla’s first boyfriend. We talked about my ex. Kayla was shocked that I was in a seven-plus-year relationship that I ended not too long ago, but she was able to handle this part of my past and we got closer. She told me that at least we were sharing, which helps to build intimacy.

still married Well, the bad news is that I’m actually married to my ex. I recently told Kayla the truth, and that I would be finalizing my divorce in the next few months. But she’s afraid of my emotional baggage and how being married will affect us in the future. I assured her that it would not affect me negatively and that I have moved on. I’m confident that I can have a new relationship that is fruitful and can last. Kayla now says that she cannot accept the fact that I was married before and she minds that I started a relationship with her while I was still married. She feels that she needs time to think and we agreed that it would be better that we remain friends, which kind of sucks. Deep down, I feel that Kayla is gone. The worst part of all this is that we are work colleagues. Kayla is kind of withdrawn, and I can’t stop feeling and looking sad. She does not initiate any conversation with me. She’ll smile and respond if I talk to her, but it is not spontaneous or enjoyable. It seems that she does not want to be reminded of me, and has stopped using the phone I gave her, too. I’m at a loss as to what I should do now. I really want Kayla back. Doc, please coach me and give me some hope. Nils - who feels unfairly treated

doc love’s response Hi Nils, First off, let me get this straight. After only 30 days you’re actually saying, “I love you” to a babe? Dude, you’re not supposed to ever tell a woman “I love you.” It’s the antithesis of Challenge. And by the way, from what you’re telling me, it’s no surprise whatsoever that neither of you have dated much.

Why should Kayla be shocked that you were in a seven-day, seven-month or seven-year relationship? What’s the big deal? Your soon-to-be ex-wife is already gone, right? The point is this: All of Kayla’s professed shock that you’re married is just an excuse for her low Interest Level. And she was going to convey that low interest in one way or another at some point. When she said “at least we’re sharing,” it sounds like Kayla was thinking that she wasn’t all that excited about being with you and that she was thinking of something else that could be better — like another man and another relationship.

her low interest level All of Kayla’s concerns about you being married is really just the second reason she wants to put distance between the two of you. Like I said, she has low interest in you, so she has to concoct some phony rationale for why you can’t be together. Even if what you’re saying is true — that you have no baggage from your marriage and that you’re ready to move on — she’s not going to believe you because her interest in you is so weak. To you Psych majors: When a woman has low interest in you, it’s going to have a ripple effect. In other words, it’s going to affect everything that happens between the two of you. That said, Kayla’s absolutely right that it was wrong you started a relationship with her while you were still married, and kept her in the dark about it. You should have told her that you’d filed the divorce papers and everything would be wrapped up in 60 days. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “The reality is that you shouldn’t date while you’re still married.” You have to wait until the legal proceedings are completely finished before you start seriously seeing a woman. But of course, like most men, you’re rushing everything because you don’t know how to be on your own for more than three seconds.

doomed in the friend zone Sadly, Nils, you’re on the money — Kayla is gone. And when you’ve been dumped, women always hand you that stuff about being “friends,” which means absolutely nothing. “Let’s just be friends” is actually Womanese for, “I’m never going to talk to you again for the rest of my life!” Since you and Kayla are work colleagues, now you’ll get to face her every single day. Really cool, Nils. That should be loads of fun. And why are you moping around? Put on a happy face and start hustling other women, but just make sure you get your divorce papers first, of course.

once a liar… Your interactions with Kayla from now on are not going to be enjoyable because you withheld information from her — in a sense, you lied to her by omission — when you went out with her. No wonder she’s distant and feels let down. I don’t blame her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Let’s face it, man — you’re a liar and a sneak.” Women really hate liars and sneaks, Nils.

You gave a woman a phone after going out with her for a month? What are you doing, keeping tabs on her already? You don’t have “The System,” memorized; I can see that, my friend. Guy, you have absolutely zero hope with this babe. You screwed this up from the very beginning, you made a lot of mistakes and you don’t have my program memorized. When you don’t memorize “The System,” these are the consequences. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “When you don’t know what you’re doing, you get to face a girl that you like at work for the rest of your life until one of you quits or she runs off with the boss.” Remember, guys: Women don’t like dating married men.

Doc Love: Moving Too Fast Hey Doc, I’ve been brushing up on “The System,” and a few of your tips have really helped me out. But I’ve run into something rather peculiar. Bridget and I work together. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. The next day she texted me and asked if I wanted to eat some ice cream and walk her dog in the park. It went well, we talked for a few hours, we said good night, and that was the end. I actually thought it might not go anywhere after that.

hitting a home run But then I ran into Bridget at work two days later, and she practically asked me out. We set something up for a couple of days later and we ended up going out again. This time it was amazing. I’ve been on quite a few dates, but none that went as well as this. We ate at Bridget’s favorite place and we talked after supper for about four hours, went to see a movie, and she made it known that she wanted me to hold her hand through the movie. I took her hand while walking to the car, which she liked. We kissed when we got to the car. The date lasted about eight hours, there were no awkward silences and lots of laughing, and after I dropped her off she said she had a great time and so did I. She showed a very high Interest Level. Fast-forward a day. We made plans to go out and have a picnic; this was her idea. I was going to stop and pick some food up so I asked her if she needed me to grab anything. This is when she tells me that she’s still a little nervous about dating me, because she had told herself she didn’t want to get into another relationship for a few months (it’s been about two months since her last one). She said her “head was all over the place.” Then she said she wanted to take it slow, which I told her I had no problem with. So she canceled our date to go and play poker with a few of her friends, and that was that. Nothing was rescheduled.

taking it slow?

Doc, I’m crazy confused. One night Bridget has an 80% to 90% Interest Level and the next afternoon she feels like a slim 50%. I’m not sure how to go about this one. How slow should I go? Should I go totally hands/lips off and not talk to her as much? Or should I act like nothing happened the other night and just act more like a friend? Derelle - whose head is spinning from moving too fast

doc love’s response Hi Derelle, It’s good that this babe hustled you at first — it showed that she had high Interest Level. Now let’s see how you handled that high interest, because that’s the real test of whether you memorized my book and put my principles and techniques into action. You shouldn’t be holding hands with this girl when you’re walking to your car. She should be taking your elbow at most. And you shouldn’t be hanging all over each other in public. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Displays of affection should always be private and discreet.” Derelle, an eight-hour date when you don’t even know a girl is way, way too long. To you Psych majors, here is the progression of how long dates should last: The Starbucks date should last no longer than 45 minutes to one hour. The first dates after that should go two to two and a half, no more than three hours — maximum. A full eight hours is overkill in the beginning of a relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Dude, are you trying to give away the store? You don’t even know this honey!”

is she acting hot and cold? Now let’s look at what happened next. This girl is all of a sudden nervous about dating you and she’s the one making all the dates? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “I think I hear the cuckoo bird singing!” Bridget might not want to get into a relationship so soon after her last one ended, but so what? Nobody knows when relationships are going to happen or not happen. The point here is that Bridget is acting highly inconsistent. Derelle, is that the kind of relationship you want? Bridget’s asking you out all the time and now she wants to go slow? Now think about what’s happening here logically. Pretend you’re a psychiatrist, my friend. What would you say about this woman? And what advice would you give yourself? Does this situation make any sense at all? Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “We all want to have our cake and eat it too. But we can’t have it both ways.”

know when it’s over Then Bridget calls off your date to go play cards. This is a broken date, pal. In my book it says that a broken date means that the girl is out. Period. So it's over, and that’s all there is to it.

Guy, in the amount of time you spent with this girl, you didn’t do all the right things. In fact, you did everything wrong. You “brushed up” on my book instead of memorizing it. You were using only a few of my techniques when you should have been using all of them. In other words, you took weak, half measures with Bridget and now you have to pay for not doing what you were supposed to do. Actually, Bridget has a slim 49% Interest Level. There is no such thing as a 50% Interest Level. It’s either 51% and up, or 49% and below — which means you’re out. And you’re out, Derelle. In this case you’re out because there was a broken date and you spent much too much time with this girl. You can’t go slowly with Bridget now because you already went too fast and crashed into a wall. Once you break the speed limit, it’s too late. And Bridget broke a date, which means it’s adios, baby! So now you’re going to see her at work, smile, say “Hi, how ya doin’,” and keep walking. That’s it. You can’t act like a friend because you’re nothing but an acquaintance. And Bridget won’t even remember that. Remember, guys: If you don’t spoon-feed yourself, she’s going to burn out on you.

Doc Love: Three's Company Hey Doc, Greetings from Scandinavia! I read “The System” a year ago, and I’ve learned a lot. Thank you! Elsa and I have been together for seven months. She is extremely attractive, really loves me, and her Interest Level is up in the 90s. She would do anything for me. In return, I keep her on her toes and keep it light, funny and cocky. I always make sure to go out with the boys, and have several friends, both girls and guys.

moving too fast Now here’s the rub. We are both students and we’ve moved in together. Already I’m beginning to wonder if this move happened too soon. I feel like sometimes we are on top of each other. Would you say that after seven months it’s too early to move in together? And if so, how can I suggest to Elsa that it is too early without ruining the relationship? The one time I mentioned my misgivings, she got very bummed out and sad. Now that we’re under the same roof, how do we keep the relationship fresh, interesting and loving? How do we avoid falling into a rut and letting everything become boring?

room for a third? There’s one more thing I want to mention, and I’m a little embarrassed about it. A few days ago Elsa threw me a real curve ball, as you like to say in America. She shocked me by suggesting that someday we should have a “second” girlfriend in our relationship. She said

she thought it might be fun to be romantic with a third person and thought she would like to try it. When I pressed her on it, she said it was just a passing fantasy. Doc, do you think Elsa is thinking of cheating on me? I’m still trying to process her question, and I’m getting nowhere. Any insight would be appreciated. Bubba - who doesn’t know what to make of it

doc love's response Hi Bubba, You can’t say you read “The System” a year ago and expect it to have the desired effect. You have to immerse yourself in my book on a constant basis. You have to read at least seven pages a night and you can’t let your girlfriend know about it. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “This is a continuous educational process.” So, Bubba, you can’t say you read “The System” once a long time ago and insist that you learned a lot. You’ve got a lot more to learn, and you have to memorize the program in order for it to have its full, proper effect on your life. All the things you say you did in the first seven months with Elsa were great. You kept her at arm’s length and you were a Challenge. Congratulations. Now let’s see where you went off the track.

cramped quarters When you’re cohabiting, sometimes you’re going to feel like Elsa is on top of you, but a lot depends on your actual living situation. How big is the place you’re living in? Is it a spacious house or a tight apartment? Do you have separate bedrooms? Can you stay in one room and study while she’s in the living room watching television so you both have some breathing space? Obviously, the smaller the space you’re in, the more claustrophobic the relationship is going to be. Like my cousin General Love says: “Ask anybody in a nuclear submarine.” But on the other hand, living together after only seven months of dating is way, way, way too soon. You’ve already made the biggest mistake of your life by moving in with this girl. But you can’t suggest to Elsa that it’s too early now because it will ruin the relationship. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Since you’ve already messed it up by not controlling yourself, the only thing you can do now is suck it up and do the best you can.”

the damage is done Of course Elsa got bummed out and sad when you brought up your misgivings about the relationship. You hurt her feelings. What did you expect, dude? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You’re backpedaling, and you can’t backpedal with your girlfriend.”

You keep the relationship fresh, interesting and loving by looking up “Maintenance Program” in the Dating Dictionary. You’re going to give Elsa respect, affection, romance, and support. You’re going to be humorous. You’re never going to say “I love you,” and you’re going to take her out once a week. That’s the only way you can keep this thing from getting boring now. You have a lot of work ahead of you, my friend. Now let’s move on to the third party that Elsa wants in your relationship. If you wouldn’t have jumped into living together after only seven months, this would have come out eventually, and you wouldn’t have moved in with her and gotten yourself trapped. Anytime a girl wants to bring a third party in to spice things up, that relationship is dead in the water. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “Relationships are for two people, not three, grasshopper.” Hey, Elsa’s not thinking of cheating on you because she wants you involved. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Your ego would not be able to handle it.” Plus, it’s not healthy for the relationship.

it's too late Bubba, you’ve got a massive problem on your hands here. And all because you only read “The System” once, a year ago. If you’d read it 15 times like I tell you guys to, you wouldn’t be in this predicament. If you’d taken the counsel of my program, which you didn’t, you’d have e-mailed me or gotten coaching from me or solicited my opinion before you made this big move with Elsa. But you didn’t do any of it, which means you don’t know “The System.” And now you’re going to have to pay for it. Remember, guys: If your girlfriend is into threesomes, she can’t be long-term relationship material.

Doc Love: International Dating Hey Doc, First of all, let me compliment you on your incredible contribution to mankind’s dating skills. I’ve been an avid follower of “The System” for years now, and it’s paid off massively. I feel I have built a good intuitive understanding of your principles, and usually can apply them without thinking. But now I find myself in a rather peculiar situation and I can’t really figure out what to do.

french connection I’m a 30-year-old professional in New York, and spent the summer doing a project in our Paris office. There I met Isabelle, a French colleague who was on my team. She is a beautiful, extremely smart, very independent woman. She’s also funny and has a Flexible, Giving personality. We spent a lot of time together and had a great connection. From her body language and overall behavior, I could sense that she liked me as well, so I could have easily asked her out on a date. However, I knew I’d be back in New York after the summer, and since I don’t believe in long-distance relationships, I didn’t ask her out.

The project I did in Paris was successful, and I will be relocating there next summer. Since I really dig Isabelle and I think we could be a fantastic fit, I would love to maximize my chances of winning her over. Obviously, in the meantime, I’m not going to let my interest in her stop me from dating women in New York. But I do want to make sure to make her as excited as possible about the prospect of dating me when I’m back in Paris. I’ve been in Paris twice since, and met with Isabelle on both occasions. I kept everything light and funny, and it felt like we were on a date (even though we weren’t). We briefly talked about the “special connection” we had, and I said that I enjoyed her company and that maybe one day we could have a great relationship. I realized afterward that this was probably very much anti-Challenge. Did I make a terrible mistake here, Doc?

coming to america In a few weeks, Isabelle is coming to New York to visit for a few days, before flying elsewhere for business. (She suggested the visit herself.) She’s staying for two days, which seems like an awful lot of time to fill. I’m also not sure how I can come across as a Challenge in this situation. Spending two full days exclusively with her might make me look too available. Alternatively, leaving her on her own for extended periods of time knowing that she’s in New York to visit me would be rude. I’ve thought about asking her to join me for a dinner party with friends, but that would be like a group date, and I know you don’t like that. Also, should I let her stay at my place (which might look too eager) or should I suggest she stay at a hotel (which might seem unwelcoming and even rude)? This is such an unusual situation that I don’t see how I can best apply “The System” to it. But Isabelle is fantastic, and I don’t want to ruin my chances of dating her when I’m full-time in Paris. Ferdy - who wants to apply “The System” all the time

doc love's response Hi Ferdy, Let me ask you something: You’re just working on a job with Isabelle and you’re trying to tell me that in a romantic relationship she’s Giving and Flexible? How would you know? You don’t have enough time in with her to make that judgment. You don’t have any time in with this girl at all, really, and so you don’t know anything about her. It’s one thing to read Interest Level, but how could you possibly evaluate what she’d be like in a romantic relationship? Frankly, it’s impossible. You should have asked Isabelle out on a date when you were in Paris. It might have been the last date you had with her, granted, but it wouldn’t have made any difference. If you took her out, like my cousin General Love says: “At least you would have been on her radar.” You don’t really know where you are with her. Anything you think is just guesswork.

But here’s the bigger problem looming ahead of you: If you get something going with Isabelle, you’re an American and she’s French. And this is potentially a huge obstacle, even if you did happen to fall in love with each other. Are you going to move to France? Is Isabelle going to move to America? Why start this up in the first place?

failing grades The reality of the situation is that when you went back to Paris, you were on a date with Isabelle. Why are you saying it wasn’t a date? And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Hey, man, I hope you kissed her when the date was over!” When you told Isabelle that you hoped one day the two of you would have a great relationship, you got a big, huge “F” in Challenge. You tell me that you read “The System” and then you went and talked about the future with a babe who’s not even an American citizen? You blew it badly here, Ferdy. And one more thing — you came on heavy with her and you two aren’t even dating! What were you thinking? So yes, what you did was antiChallenge, and yes, you did make a huge mistake — times 10.

waste of time It’s great that you had incoming interest from Isabelle when she invited herself to the Big Apple. But where’s it going? What you’re really cultivating here is a long-distance relationship. This is a no-no. Are you sure you read my book? Unless Isabelle wants to get a green card and move to America, you’re frittering away your time. What if your company decides that they don’t want you to move to Paris after all? What if Isabelle decides she could never leave France? Like the great Doc Freud once said: “This is all a big illusion in your mind.” Two days is not a great amount of time to fill when Isabelle gets to New York. You can be a Challenge by not talking about the future and how you’re going to have the possibility of a long-term relationship like you did before. So keep it light and funny, and don’t promise her the store before you know what’s happening. Spending only two days in New York with Isabelle will not make you look too available — there’s not enough time as long as you keep your mouth shut. It’s not like you’re spending 10 days together. And besides, she’s coming across the Atlantic to see you. Show her New York and have a good time and make her laugh. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “She’ll be gone before you know it.” And by the way, no group dates. So forget the dinner party. You’re not going to bring up the subject of where Isabelle is staying until she asks where the good hotels are. You don’t want her staying at your place because it’s much too quick and will destroy all remnants of Challenge. So put Isabelle in a hotel close to your place and leave it at that.

make it easy on yourself

This is not an unusual situation at all, Ferdy. It’s actually very simple. What you have is a girl from another country who you’re going to spend time with and she’s going to end up not moving here. When you’re done with your work overseas, you’ll end up back in America and she’ll stay in France and you’ll be back to square one. Remember, guys: If she’s not a citizen of your country, you’re wasting your time.

Doc Love: Getting Used Hey Doc, I’ve been looking through your columns and trying to find a situation close to mine. Most of the other men’s situations are missing my key problem — the other guy. I haven't read “The System” yet.

sticky situation I met Alita through my best friend two months ago. We’ve gone out for drinks and hung out on many occasions. There is a strong attraction between us. Every date ends with a heavy make-out session, but our relationship never goes further because she says she has a boyfriend. What I don’t understand is that if Alita is willing to tell me — and show me for that matter — the way she feels about me, then why is the boyfriend even an issue? I don’t expect any type of relationship to come of this, but I just don’t want be led on time and time again, only to be kicked to the curb at the end of the summer when she leaves town to go back to school (which is where her boyfriend lives). I told Alita, “I just wish I wasn’t being put into the friend zone,” and she replied that she didn’t want to put me in the friend zone. Her next statement really got me, though. She said “I just want things to stay the same until I finish school. Then we’ll see what happens.” Doc, what am I doing wrong? How can I make this work? This is the girl every man wants to marry, be with, love, and God knows I would do what it takes to make it work. Should I give up hope? Drazen - who’s going crazy over her

doc love's response Hi Drazen, While it’s true that I give you guys a ton of information in my columns, I also hold back a lot because of the constraints of time and space. The vital, deeper information is in my book, “The System.” Unless you own and memorize that essential volume, you’re never going to successfully put all of this information together and make it work. Why? Because “The System” is the combination to the safe that contains the truth. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The Dating Dictionary is the Bible of Romance. You’ll never know the commandments of love without it.”

red flag You don’t hang out with girls, Drazen. You date them. But hold it right there. You’re telling me that you’re falling for a girl who already has a boyfriend? What you don’t seem to realize is that Alita is not available. When you meet a girl, you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test, she has to have at least 51% Interest Level in you, and she cannot have a boyfriend. Without having all of these requirements fulfilled, you can’t do anything with her. If a girl has a boyfriend and she’s kissing you, all you’re ever going to be is a boy toy, somebody she plays with on the side while the other guy isn’t around. Drazen, what this means is that Alita is using you, misleading you and giving you false hope. Or, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This woman is no good.” She has no character. She has no honesty. She has no Loyalty. She has no Integrity. You can’t trust her. Otherwise, she’s great! And by the way, how do you think her boyfriend would feel if he found out that you were making out with his girl? Of course most men in America are weak when it comes to women, so he wouldn’t have the guts to get rid of her anyway. You ask why Alita’s boyfriend is even an issue. Let me explain it: If she really dug you, she would break up with that guy. But he’s an idiot, and you’re an idiot, so she’ll continue stringing the two of you along until she gets more bored with the both of you than she already is. Making out with one guy isn’t enough for Alita. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “If she has two guys, she can try to fill that empty hole of low self-esteem inside her which can never be satisfied.” And by the way, what makes you so sure that you and Alita’s boyfriend are the only two fish she’s got on the line? What if she’s flirting with and e-mailing other guys around the country?

she's using you Getting kicked to the curb when she goes back to her boyfriend is exactly what’s going to happen to you, dude. So you’ve got your answer right there — you’re not as dumb as this situation makes you look. Drazen, this babe is not putting you in the friend zone. She’s making out with you, isn’t she? She has feelings for you. And she has feelings for the other guy, whose arms she’ll be in again as soon as she moves out of town. And guess what? Odds are you’ll never see her again. Even though Alita’s telling you that she wants to see how things turn out, nothing more is ever going to happen between you two. But I have to give Alita this: She sure has gall to tell you up front that she’s just using you. Of course, with your sky-high Interest Level and your ego, you can’t even see it, so like a fool, you accept it. Plus, of course, you don’t have my book, so you don’t know which way is up.

dead end What are you doing wrong? Well, when a girl has a boyfriend, like I said before, she’s really not in the game at all. How can you make this work? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love

says, “Hire a hit man and kill the boyfriend.” That’s the only way you’re going to have a chance with this gem every guy wants to marry, love, be with, and so on. Should you give up hope? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, this thing was dead in the water before it even started.” Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Doc Love: Her Self-Esteem Issues Hey Doc, I’ve been seeing Chloe for six months now, and things have been great. She is a Beautiful Woman who used to model in New York and Paris. She’s also a Giver. She’s bought me things plenty of times, she’s kind to my close friends, and she takes care of her mother, who is financially unstable. She manages to babysit terribly bratty children, so she seems to have good potential as a mother, as well. She also has very high Integrity. Her Interest Level is in the 90s, and she never uses Womanese. She does, however, badmouth people she doesn’t care for. But then again, I can be the same way, so I think that’s acceptable.

but there are issues Chloe has frequently told me I’m “the one.” In fact, sometimes she’s overbearing, which brings me to her negatives. She can be very needy and often wants my help with her problems. If I don’t spend the day with her, she will call me and expect me to listen to her for at least 20 to 30 minutes. She has past daddy issues. Every time she tells me she loves me, she must hear me say “I love you” back, or else she won’t leave me alone. When she dresses up, she must hear a compliment from me or she will give me a hard time about it. According to you, I should not be there for Chloe all the time. But the way I see it, it’s just much easier for me to have a 20-minute phone conversation with her than pretend I was too busy to take the call and then have an argument lasting at least an hour about why I didn’t pick up the phone or call her back. The same situation applies to saying “I love you.” Although you might say that being there for her too much and being too accommodating is anti-Challenge and lowers her Interest Level, I think her Interest Level is so high that it’s okay to compromise on these issues and preserve my sanity. But might I be lowering her Interest Level in order just to avoid a confrontation?

are we doomed? So what do you think? Is her moderate inflexibility a major problem to the relationship, enough to cause serious problems down the road? Am I risking lowering her Interest Level too much, or am I compromising just the right amount? You’ve said yourself that Beautiful Women are by nature inflexible, and I don’t think she’s all that bad, so are these inflexible traits just part of the deal with Chloe?

Nicoli - who wants to make sure this is a good one

doc love's response Hi Nicoli, Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Naw, it ain’t no problem to badmouth other folks. We all do it behind the barn.” On the other hand, a needy woman will drive you bonkers. And because Chloe is so needy, she has you playing psychiatrist, which you know, if you read my book, I’m against. Now I want you to think about this real hard. Chloe has you listening to her complain and whine and whimper for a half hour every single day, and you’re going to do it for the next 45 years. You are literally going to be her shrink for the next half century. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, man.”

these issues are not going away And think about this: She’s going to take her daddy issues out on you. Daddy issues fall under the heading of “scars" and "baggage.” Like most women, Chloe isn’t saying “I love you” because she really loves you; she’s just saying it because she needs to hear it said to her all the time. There’s also this: Every time she changes her clothes, you’re going to have to tell her how fabulous she looks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Damn, this sounds like a lot of work. Ain’t life supposed to be easy some of the time?” Again, you have to consider being with Chloe while constantly meeting her needs for the next 45 years. Like my cousin General Love says: “Think about being stranded in a cabin with her up in Alaska for a year or two.” Or like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says “Bro, can you imagine being in the same cell with her doing life without the possibility of parole?” No, you shouldn’t be there for Chloe all the time. Because she should be gone. Period. I don’t care if she’s an ex-model. I don’t care if she’s the second coming of Stephanie Seymour. You have to get rid of her unless you want to be crazy, too. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “My son, you’re paying for those looks. And you’re going to keep paying for them.” This babe is what we call super high-maintenance. She’ll drive you insane over the next 45 years. Remember, we die in our 80s today. It’s not like the old days when you croaked at 49. If Chloe argues with you about why you didn’t pick up the phone whenever she calls, you can only come to one conclusion: This girl is a mess.

the rules don't apply Now let me explain something very important to you. You’re worrying needlessly about being a Challenge to Chloe because Challenge doesn’t work with women who have low selfesteem. A needy woman hates Challenge. Challenge only works with clinically sane, selfreliant women, not loons. And Chloe, sadly, falls into the latter category. She has 95% Interest Level in you, all right.

You’re not going to lower Chloe’s Interest Level as long as you keep playing psychiatrist and give her therapy every day for the rest of your life. And as long as you say ”I love you” back to her two or three or four times a day, she’s not going anywhere. Of course it has no value whatsoever in the relationship, but with her low self-esteem, she’ll think it’s great. You can say “I love you” to Chloe 50 times a day and never lower her Interest Level because her selfesteem is in the ditch. You call her inflexibility “moderate?” Talk about rationalizing, Nicoli! This is massive inflexibility. Of course it’s going to cause serious problems down the road. How could it not? Don’t fret about compromising too much or lowering Chloe’s Interest Level. Neither concept should even be in this discussion. What you have to do is get rid of her. She’s a whack-job, and you’ll end up hating her anyway. Yes, it’s true that, as a rule, the Beautiful Woman is inflexible. And that’s because ever since she was 12 years old, every male she’s ever run into has never said anything but “yes” to her.

what are you getting yourself into? And, yes, Chloe’s character traits are just part of the deal with her. But if you have three kids with her and are trying to run a household and you have to put up with her inflexible neediness all the time, how do you think it’s going to work out? How much attention do you think your kids are going to get? Or you, for that matter? I feel sorry for you, Nicoli. Remember, guys: If you have to play psychiatrist for her, it will drive you nuts.

Doc Love: Breaking The Rules Hey Doc, I have a bit of a quandary here. I’ve been dating Larissa off and on for four months. On the first date she told me it takes a long time for her to consider something a relationship. At that time I was not the proud owner of “The System.” I set dates while I was on a date with Larissa. I didn’t wait a week to contact her between dates. It wasn’t until a month later, after she told me she wasn’t interested in a relationship or dating, that I ditched my ego, purchased your book and became a member of the Doc Love Club. I saw everything that I did wrong with Larissa. I allowed my Interest Level to skyrocket while hers plummeted.

an education After a month alone, reading your book and hustling new phone numbers, I was constantly troubled by what could have been with Larissa had I had “The System.” So, violating the “back (you can’t go)” principle, I called her. We went out and had a great time. Since then, we’ve gone out three more times, and each time, I have watched her Interest Level rise because of my use of your techniques.

Everything is going great, Doc. Like you say, she is going to do what she wants, when she wants to do it and with whom. I have been able to relax and let things come more naturally and on her terms. She really does have to think that it’s all her idea — again, just like you say. I don’t want you to think that I am just being a sap for Larissa. I am out one night a week, hustling new phone numbers and dating other girls, and I am seeing Larissa once every two weeks.

scoring an invite So here’s my question. Larissa and I went out last night and, like always, we laughed and had a great time. Toward the end of the night, she invited me to her two birthday parties. One is a barbecue at her house and one is at a club for a dance party. She said that all of her friends are invited but I am getting a special invite. I don’t know if I should go because I won’t be on a date with her at either party. On the other hand, she may consider it rude if I don’t show up to at least one of these bashes. Larissa is chased by a lot of guys, and I am a bit of an outsider to her social circle, so I don’t know what to expect were I to show up to either or both of these parties. What should I do? Igor - who is a true believer

doc love's response Hi Igor, Larissa told you outright that it takes a long time for her to consider something a relationship. So why didn’t common sense enter your mind and tell you to slow down? You were given a fair warning right upfront, weren’t you? It’s amazing to me that you didn’t heed Larissa’s caution and take it slow with her the first time around.

rules are there for a reason You started out by breaking a rule, and then you went and broke another rule by calling Larissa after she told you she really wanted nothing to do with you. All you’re doing here is breaking rules, dude. First you didn’t have my book and you broke rules; then you got the book and you broke rules. You’re not listening, and you’re not paying attention to what you read. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “Some men just don’t want to be coached.” I hate to have to tell you this, Igor, but Larissa’s Interest Level isn’t rising. Her interest in you is still below 50%. When she went out with you for a few weeks, she learned all she needed to know about Igor. She can’t erase that knowledge now. She can’t forget all the mistakes you made, even though you’re making none now (though you did make another major one by trying to go back when the rule says you can’t).

facing facts Just who do you think you’re kidding here, Igor? Of course you’re being a sap for Larissa. She told you she didn’t want anything to do with you and yet you insist on hanging around her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “If sticking to her like an insect to flypaper ain’t the definition of a pushover, I don’t know what is.” Let’s look a little more closely at what you’re doing now. You’re seeing Larissa only once every two weeks. If she really dug you — if she had any kind of hot interest in you — she would insist on seeing you at least once a week. So you’re not seeing enough of this girl to make this go anywhere. This situation is what we call a “retread.” It’s like an old tire, which isn’t as good as a new Michelin. Larissa’s just going out with you to fill time, guy, because she doesn’t have anyone else right now. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If there was someone she liked, she wouldn’t be dating you.” And we already know she doesn’t like you, right? It’s actually good that you won’t be on a date with Larissa at her birthday parties. For one thing, it would be a group date, which is a big no-no, and for another, it gives you the chance to hustle other babes. Like my cousin General Love says: “Soldier, you have to learn to see the openings on the battlefield.”

other fish in the sea Since you’ve got nothing going with Larissa, you’re going to attend both the barbecue and the dance party and you’re going to be cordial to the hostess. Then you’re going to hustle her best-looking girlfriends and get as many phone numbers as you can. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you’re gonna turn her birthday blasts to your advantage.” And when you show up to these parties, you’re going to be the best-dressed man there. You’re going to stand out in the crowd when you hustle Larissa’s friends, and you’re going to forget about her because she’s already forgotten about you. Remember, guys: You get one shot per girl per lifetime.

Doc Love: Escape The Friend Zone Hey Doc, I’ve been friends with a girl named Ghislaine for two years, and she is one of the best friends I’ve ever had. The problem: I’m madly in love with her and would marry her tomorrow if given the opportunity. Ghislaine and I went on one official “date” a few months after we met, but neither of us pursued anything more after that. She knows that I’ve had strong feelings for her at different times, although I think she’s unsure of how I currently feel because I just got out of a short relationship with another woman. My feelings for Ghislaine have always been stronger than her feelings for me; however, she has told me several times that she “thought” she had feelings for me beyond friendship and that she tells herself that she should be crazy about me.

kiss and tell About six months ago, we went out for dessert at a nice place. I walked her home, and I tried to kiss her. She initially asked me what I was doing, but then got very “wishy-washy” about it. She stuttered things like, “Well, maybe…” “I don’t know if I can do this…” “Well, OK…” Eventually I just said, “Have a good night and I’ll talk to you later,” and I left. She later told me she wasn’t interested in me, and things were awkward between us for a while. So I don’t know about this. Six months later, Ghislaine is still my best friend and I’m absolutely crazy about her. We do things that resemble a dating relationship all the time, but have done nothing physically or officially. All the while, Ghislaine casually dates other guys. What can I do to step this up beyond a friendship? I’m deep into the Friend Zone, but I think there’s some potential for attraction on her end — I just have to somehow spark it. Thanks, Doc. Nelson - who’s beyond frustrated and needs to avoid the friend zone

doc love's response Hi Nelson, Let me tell you something: When you’re in love with your friend, you shouldn’t even be seeing her. Because what’s going to happen if you keep seeing her is that you’re going to get frustrated — nothing but frustrated. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This whole scene is nothing but a waste of time, paisan.” To boot, you’re always going to be beating your head against the wall, and every time Ghislaine mentions that she’s seeing another guy, you’re going to be dying on the inside. Like the old saying in sales goes, “If it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out!” Nelson, let me ask you something: After your first date with Ghislaine, why didn’t you follow up with a second and third date? Your problem is that you’re not utilizing “The System.” My Book is a game plan in which you are going to have a complete strategy for dealing with a dating relationship. You’ll go out on one date with a girl, then you’ll wait a week to go on a second date, then a third date and fourth date and so on. At every step of the way you are going to have clear guidelines to follow and you won’t be confused by whatever gets thrown at you. And you’re going to continue following this tried-and-true method until the girl blows you off — or she falls in love with you.

game over But Nelson, you have no game plan — you have no game, period. To you Psych majors: There will be no room for error if you follow my techniques. Like my cousin General Love says, “All bases will be covered, and you won’t be shooting in the dark at a target you can’t even see.”

So Ghislaine doesn’t know how you feel about her now. Nelson, what’s the matter with you? This babe should never have known you had feelings for her in the first place. If you’d followed my principles, you’d have known that Ghislaine should have been the one to realize that she has feelings for you. At that point she would have asked you to not be her friend anymore. You’re doing things, pal, but you’re doing everything backwards. Your feelings for Ghislaine are stronger than hers are for you? What a surprise! That’s the understatement of the century! I think I’ll let the Guinness World Records in on that one!

crazy in love or just crazy? Of course Ghislaine should be crazy about you, Nelson — but she isn’t. My friend, the Reality Factor says, “When you see something, believe it now.” This girl is struggling to like you, don’t you get that? And do you know what that means? It means that her Interest Level is only 40% to 49%. And nothing starts unless Interest Level is 51%. (P.S., that’s why you’re only her friend!) Ghislaine didn’t kiss you because she has absolutely zero romantic interest in you. But since you haven’t invested in my materials, much less memorized them, you’ve been wasting all your time with this girl. You’ve been hanging around her for two whole years. Nelson, all the time you’ve been doing this you should have been hustling other girls who like you romantically. But, no, you’d rather fritter your valuable time away with somebody you have zero chance with in the romance department. Of course things were awkward between the two of you. Ghislaine knows you dig her romantically, and since she doesn’t dig you back, it would stand to reason that things would be uncomfortable for her. You came on to her, she didn’t want to kiss you back, and now she feels pressure from you. What else would you expect her to feel?

get while the gettin's good I wish this girl had the guts to just tell you to get lost so you could go and find somebody else. It’s sad that she doesn’t cut you loose. But she either likes the attention or she likes to play the friendship role, and you go along with it. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, she gets what she wants, you get nothin’ that you want, and yet you still hang around and wait for something that ain’t never gonna happen!” Now you’re up to two and a half years with Ghislaine, and what do you have to show for it? Nelson, doesn’t it bother you when this babe tells you about going out with other guys? And how do you know all her dating is just “casual”? What if it’s heavy? You don’t know what she does on her dates. She could be hot and heavy with a couple of guys and you’re totally oblivious. You have no clue whatsoever what she’s doing with those other guys.

friend zoned out What can you do to step this up beyond a friendship? Absolutely nothing. Like my uncle Jethro Love says, “This thing was dead in the water before it began.” Yes, you’re deep into

the friend zone — and you’ll be there for the rest of your life. So face reality and hustle some other girls. But you still think there’s potential for attraction on her end. You guys kill me. This is a onein-a-million shot, man. You’ve been tailing this girl for over two years, she has zero Interest Level in you and you say there’s a spark? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, you gotta lay off the Jose Cuervo!” Remember, guys: Once a friend, always a friend.

Doc Love: Love Or Lust? Hi Doc, I’ve got “The System,” which has helped me a great deal with women. I’ve been with Sapphire for four and a half years. She’s the coolest chick I’ve ever dated and one of the best people I’ve met in my life. When I first met her, I was following “The System” strictly, and I won her over. The problem is that while I was really attracted to her in the beginning of our relationship, I lost a lot of that attraction. Sapphire put on weight and stopped trying to keep her looks together.

blast from the past Recently, my ex-girlfriend contacted me after 12 years. Stormy is smoking hot, and I never had any problems with physical attraction, but she was super bitchy and eventually cheated on me. Anyway, I should have followed “The System” by never going back to Stormy, but, like a fool, I listened to a friend (a girl) who said, “That’s a long time. She may have changed.” So I began talking to Stormy, and, of course, she put her best foot forward and sucked me in by stroking my ego. Since I’m not as attracted to Sapphire anymore, I seriously thought of leaving her for Stormy, who I began to pursue. The problem is that she lives four hours away. Talk about a double whammy! Not only did I pursue the old girlfriend, but I pursued a longdistance relationship! But I also know that this is all wrong. Somehow I managed to keep both girls on the hook until just this week, when the old girlfriend informed me that she found another man. This really is good news no matter how much it hurts my ego. Stormy is no good, but I was a sucker for her. But I couldn’t let go of my current girlfriend because I have a twisted sense of loyalty to her. She never treated me badly, and she really is my best friend. I’ve treated her horribly, though, but she still holds on. In the middle of all this, I told Sapphire that she’s put on weight and let herself go. She was hurt, but she did lose a lot of the weight, and when she does herself up, she looks great.

it's crunch time Doc, my emotions are all over the place. Because I messed with Sapphire so much, she wants to be married ASAP, or it’s off. But I’m too twisted to feel 100 percent about marriage right

now. I feel like if I lose Sapphire, I may lose the best thing that’s happened to me, but the physical attraction is not as hot as it was. My old girlfriend coming back into my life only stirred up the feelings I had for that physical attraction and those sexy ways. At the same time, maybe I’m looking for perfection that doesn’t exist. I’m 38, and I haven’t had kids, and Sapphire would be a great mom. But I’m still having a tough time wanting the marriage, even though I believe we could have a very happy life. I wish I wasn’t so superficial. Doc, I know I’ve done some bad stuff, but lay it on me. I need to know how to handle myself. Wilfred — who’s twisted into a pretzel

doc love's response Hi Wilfred, Let me ask you a question: If you’ve been with Sapphire for four and half years, how come you two aren’t married? After all that time, you should be. But since Sapphire let herself get fat, you sure as heck don’t want to marry her now. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “At that weight, she’s not going to be a healthy spouse.” So this is grounds to drop her now.

repeat offender Instead, you decided to try to rekindle the mess with the super-bitchy Stormy, who cheated on you before. Like most men, since you’re having problems with your current girl, you go to the past for a solution. (To you psych majors, women do the same thing.) And what men do is distort what really happened back then into something more agreeable to their present needs. But Stormy belongs to the past, Wilfred. This disaster happened 12 years ago. She memorized all the mistakes you made, and she can’t forget them. So it’s over. Get that through your head. I don’t care if this stuff happened 100 years ago — you can’t go back. Sure, Stormy may have changed, but her memory hasn’t changed. Your friend didn’t give you good advice, guy. And by the way, you should be listening to me, not some yahoo friend of yours who doesn’t know anything about anything.

poor decisions It’s interesting that you realized Stormy sucked you in by pandering to your ego. Most guys don’t understand what’s happening when they’re being taken for a ride, but you did at the same time as Stormy was doing it. So you’re making the wrong choices when you know they’re the wrong choices, even though you have my book. What’s wrong with you, Wilfred? And you pursued Stormy anyway. So now you’re entangled with two girls, neither of whom you have a chance with.

It doesn’t matter if Stormy lives next door or in New Zealand. It’s finished with her. This is all a waste of time and has absolutely nothing to do with your problems with Sapphire. You’ve somehow gotten it into your head that there are only two women in the whole world and you have to choose between them. But both these two are out. You don’t have a twisted sense of loyalty to anyone, Wilfred. You just can’t be alone. That’s your problem. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “If you were really loyal, you wouldn’t be chasing another chick around.” You wouldn’t even be talking about Stormy if you were a loyal man. And like I said before, it’s also true that it’s history with Sapphire. You’ve got four and a half years in with a fat girl. That’s all. Your emotions aren’t all over the place. It’s your logic and reasoning that are all over the place. Your emotions are fine.

if it's all or nothing... If Sapphire wants to get married right away, tell her forget it and that it’s off. That way you’re rid of both of these pieces of deadwood once and for all. If you stay with Sapphire, the physical attraction problem is only going to get worse. Because, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “After she pops a kid, she’s going to be carrying another 100 pounds around.” The real problem here is that you’re not thinking about the possibility of a third girl. Both Sapphire and Stormy are extinct issues. That’s what you don’t seem to get. You have to find a girl you like, Wilfred. If you haven’t married a girl after four and a half years, you don’t really like her. And so you have a problem. You think you can still have a happy life with Sapphire? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re off in la-la land, boy.” And you’re not superficial, Wilfred. You just think in the short term, like most men, and you’re run by your emotions and your high Interest Level. Other than that, you’re an average guy. Here’s how you should handle yourself: Drop both girls, commit my materials to memory and find a third girl. Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my program, you’re going to make stupid mistakes.

Doc Love: Dealing With A Breakup Hey Doc, I ordered “The System” this week, but I’m in need of an immediate Rx. I was married for a long time to a nutcase, my divorce was very messy and then a mutual friend introduced me to a Beautiful Woman, Courtney. We hit it off. Courtney was starting a new business. I agreed to help her, and we began to get together. Then I asked her out. I offered her three choices: two girlie ideas and a sumo wrestling tournament. She chose sumo, and I knew I had someone special.

getting closer? We’ve had a wonderful time together: fun dates, great trips, intimacy, etc. Because I wanted to be closer to her, I moved within a couple of miles of her house, which is 40 miles from where I used to live. It had gotten to the point that I thought about asking Courtney to marry me in the next year or so. The only lingering doubts I had were that Courtney might change her mind about our relationship, how a mixing of families would work and our financial situations. We both have complicated lives. Courtney shares custody of two children — one with special needs — is starting a new business that is eating away at her savings, has been divorced for only two years, and has no more alimony. My own business is winding down, and I’m looking for my next endeavor, which I would like to start before making a marriage commitment. My kids are older but still need the support of a parent (they don’t see or communicate with their mother), and they are with me for school holidays. In addition, I have a nasty alimony situation.

she’s says it’s over Courtney and I have been in an exclusive relationship for several months now, but she began to act differently a few weeks ago. I noticed her holding back, and when asked, she said everything was OK. Finally she admitted that a half a dozen people had asked her when I was going to propose marriage. (Her first husband had just gotten engaged, and her second husband had just remarried.) I told her that I loved her, planned on always being with her, but needed more time to resolve job and alimony issues. A couple of days later, Courtney told me that the commitment issue was bugging her. She said in a cold, matter-of-fact way, “I didn’t think it would happen, but my heart has closed. It’s over.” I was dumbfounded. An argument, a disagreement, an ultimatum, a cooling-down period, OK — but “my heart has closed?” I believe you when you say that a man has one chance with a woman, and when it’s done, it’s done. That is probably the case here, but I don’t know if Courtney did something she will regret and whether I should leave the door open. I drafted a letter, which gives me finality. I wrote about how I cherished the relationship, how hard it is to lose your lover, best friend and partner, but acknowledge that once a heart is closed, it does not reopen. I conclude with "I love you." Should I send it? Also, I love her kids, and they have become attached to me. I don’t want to cause them any pain. Coach me, Doc! Sugar Ray — who’s down for the count

doc love’s response Hi Sugar Ray,

Your first mistake with Courtney was mixing business with pleasure. You don’t bring friends or lovers into your business, especially in the beginning. This babe is a stranger to you, pal. You don’t even know her. And right out of the gate, you were way too available. Your next mistake was giving Courtney a choice about the date you asked her on. You don’t give a woman choices — you tell her what you’re going to do. You say to her, “Here’s where we’re going, and I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock.” That’s it. To you psych majors: Giving a woman choices is weak. You think that because Courtney chose to watch two fat, nearly naked guys grappling, that it makes her special? You think that enjoying 500-pound men trying to force each other off a mat makes her unique? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Man, you’re grabbing at straws!”

way ahead of yourself? If you'd moved closer to Courtney’s house after a couple of years, I could understand it. But you've just met this woman. What’s wrong with you, Ray? And why were you thinking of asking Courtney to marry you? You’re way, way ahead of yourself. Let Courtney ask you to get married. Because it’s the woman’s Interest Level that counts, not yours. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “It sounds to me like you’re doing all the work.” You’re helping her out with her business, you’re giving her choices for dates, you’re moving close to her house — so how is this babe chasing you? Dude, you’re the antithesis of Challenge. If you kept Courtney’s Interest Level in the 90s, you wouldn’t have to worry about your financial situations, and mixing families and whether she’d change her mind about you. She would overlook all of it if she were really gone over you. Guy, you don’t have enough time in with this woman to be pursuing marriage. Until you get at least two years in with her, you shouldn’t even be thinking about it. And if you have a nasty alimony situation, whatever you do, don’t tell your new love about it. Don’t bring up your ex or get negative about your financial burdens.

is she the right one? That said, with all of her problems, Courtney sounds like a real prize, let me tell you. What you’re saying is that she has all kinds of baggage and that she’s broke since her alimony ran out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Maybe she’s doing you a favor by getting rid of you. Did you think of that?” Now here’s something you’ll learn when you commit my book to memory: When the woman begins to hold back, that means you’re on the way out. And why does she care when you’re going to propose? She has a mouth, doesn’t she? Why doesn’t she propose to you? Why is she bringing up what strangers think and say? Or what her loser exes are doing? And she’s a twotime loser at marriage already, so you two are off to a really great start.

her low interest level

When Courtney informed you that her heart had closed, it meant that her Interest Level went from 51% to 49% and that you’re out. It’s over. You should have gotten my book three years ago so you would have anticipated and understood all of this — that’s where you dropped the ball, cowboy. Why would Courtney regret what she did when she doesn’t care about you? It doesn’t make a lick of sense, Ray. People regret things when they like you. Courtney doesn’t like you romantically anymore, which means she doesn’t regret a thing. Besides, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “She’s already on the lookout for the next guy since her alimony is gone.” The letter you wrote for “finality” is called begging. Begging lowers Interest Level even more. Writing a love letter to someone you’re already on the outs with is a waste of time. You ought to think about your own pride, if you have any left. And by the way, you don’t say “I love you” to a woman. So don’t send the letter. Throw it in the fireplace and start a fire instead. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Your fireplace will be warmer than this wench’s heart.” Courtney’s kids have nothing whatsoever to do with her Interest Level, so forget them. She doesn’t care if you cause them pain, since she’s dumping you, so why should you care? Remember, guys: Once a woman closes her heart, you’re finished.

Doc Love: Her Wandering Eye Hey Doc, I bought your book three years ago, and it has helped me in meeting many women and evaluating relationships. But I’ve always been worried by the fact that even if a girl has high Interest Level in you, she can still desire other men. I’ve had girlfriends who planned on marrying me but admitted to talking to or flirting with guys they found attractive. It seemed rock-solid The most recent example is Krystal. She’s a cute girl but isn’t hot. I introduced myself after seeing her glance at me on the train a couple of times. After four dates, she announced that she loved me. I remembered to remain a Challenge and did not return the “I love you,” which is fine with her. Krystal has a high Interest Level in me. Her eyes light up whenever she sees me, she cooks for me and she gives me massages. I trust her for the most part because unlike previous ex-girlfriends, she doesn’t actively go to clubs and bars to meet new men. She always lets me know of her activities. We’ve dated for approximately seven months, and she plans on marrying me in three years when I’m done with graduate school. But it really bugs me that I always catch her glancing or staring at other guys (especially shirtless guys in the summer). How can I take her or any girl seriously when they still have physical desires for other men, even when we’re at the peak of our relationship and are extremely happy?

Do all eyes wander? Once, at a restaurant, she stared at a guy sitting behind me for five minutes, which really ticked me off. She worked on it and didn’t do it for a while, but soon resumed her habit. Should I accept that humans have multiple desires, or should I get rid of Krystal? Some girls are not to be trusted, but my intuition tells me she is deeply attached to and in love with me. And I am aware that there are lots of girls in happy relationships and marriages who flirt for attention or confirmation of their attractiveness. The reason that this is an issue is because I know that if Krystal looks at an attractive, confident guy, he might approach her, and something might happen. If I marry her, that could be a relationship break. Should I accept her wandering eye, or move on? Chandler - who has his doubts Doc love's response Hi Chandler, Let me correct you on something straight out of the gate. If a woman has high Interest Level in you, she cannot desire other men. A clinically sane woman does not want other men if she’s in love with you. Period. The reason your ex-girlfriends flirted with other guys was because they weren’t in love with you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Your exes were in love with the three billion other men on the face of the planet.” Face the facts Now, let me get this straight. After only four dates, Krystal declared that she was in love with you? Now think about this logically, pal. How is that possible? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “No way, Jose!” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “A woman who says she loves you after four dates has a screw loose.” And this is the key to why she’s looking at all these other men. That said, you were smart to not return the “I love you.” It shows that you have some common sense and that you’re learning a little something. You don’t really trust Krystal, Chandler. To you psych majors, you can’t trust any woman until after six months — and only then if there are no red flags. A woman has to earn your trust. You can’t toss trust out like a used tissue. On the other hand, it’s good that Krystal is open with you and lets you know about her activities. But like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says: “What good is it? She can’t stop checking out other dudes.” In the eye of the beholder Krystal’s incessant gawking at half-naked guys with six-pack abs indicates that you have a massive problem. If this babe is in love with you and has 95% Interest Level in you, why is she salivating over other guys at all? Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a woman’s Interest Level in you is through the roof, you’re the most handsome guy on the face of the planet. Just ask Ringo Starr and Keith Richards. Even those muscle-bound guys in Speedos at the beach can’t compete with you when her Interest Level is 95%.

And let me explain something else to you. You’re the only one who’s extremely happy. You’re the one who’s at the peak of the relationship; she’ s in the valley of it. That’s why she can’t keep her eyes off other men in various states of undress. Your future together is crystal clear Krystal only stared at that fellow in the restaurant for five minutes? That’s nothing! You’re an uptight guy, Chandler! Your problem is that you’re too jealous and possessive. But seriously, of course you were ticked off that she dissed you. Who wouldn’t be? And when she resumed her habit of staring at other guys after you called her on it, that’s when you should have said, “Adios, Krystal!” Girls don’t have multiple desires when they’re in love with someone. So you have to get rid of Krystal now. Your intuition isn’t telling you that Krystal is in love with you; it’s your big ego that’s whispering in your ear. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “A man’s ego is the devil.” The guys married to wenches who can’t stop flirting because they need confirmation of their attractiveness are miserable. Think about it, Chandler. Is that the way you want to live for the next 40 years? Because her habit is only going to get worse. Protect yourself Even if something never happens between Krystal and another guy, why does she need the attention of complete strangers? The only way you’re never going to get burned by Krystal is if you dump her. Forget about marrying her — this girl gets an “F” in loyalty and trust. Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have eyes only for you, she’s out.

Doc Love: Trust Issues Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your column and listening to your show for a while now, and I have an issue that I really need someone of your intelligence to help me with. You’re pretty much my last hope to keep this relationship alive. Committing The Crime I’ve been dating Chelsie for two years, and two months ago, she told me about this guy she liked. He would tell her he loved her, and she would flippantly reply, “I love you.” About a month ago the guy decided that he would kiss her, which led to one thing and another. The way I found out about this was that she came to me crying that it wasn’t her fault that he kissed her. I then confronted the guy, and he confirmed that he kissed Chelsie and told me to “go to hell.” In my opinion, Chelsie’s Interest Level in me is way higher than the interest I have in her. I’ve decided to try and continue our relationship even though I was shattered by what happened. I lectured her constantly about it, which made her break down and cry. She was horrified that she let the situation with this other guy get out of hand. I love Chelsie, and I

really want this to work out. She swears that the only reason she interacted with this guy in any way was because he pestered her constantly. Forgive And Forget? So Doc, should I dump Chelsie? If I want to work it out with her, what would you recommend? Finally, how can I forget about this later in life if Chelsie and I don’t work out or even if it does? Syd — who doesn’t want to lose his trust in her Doc Love's Response Hi Syd, Now, let me get this straight. You love my show, you follow my columns, you’ve got a problem with a woman, and you don’t invest in my book? Hey, it makes sense to me! You sound like a real winner, pal. The sad thing about this situation is that you’ve been going with a girl for two whole years and now she tells you about a guy she “likes.” Like my cousin General Love says: “If you can’t see this massive red flag, soldier, you have to be blind.” It’s practically smacking you in the face, Syd. Lack Of Loyalty Chelsie’s wonderful revelation speaks to the character quality of loyalty — as in, her lack of it. And the worst thing about it is not that there’s another guy she likes — though that’s bad enough — but that she has the guts to tell you about it. Know what that says about you, Syd? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “She knows that you’re a wimp and has you so wrapped around her finger that you’ll go along with it and try to ‘understand’ her.” Then she has the chutzpah to tell you that she “flippantly” admits to this other guy that she loves him? ”I love you” is the most sacred phrase in a woman’s vocabulary, and she nonchalantly throws it back at this other guy when she’s supposedly in love with you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Wow. She sounds like a real gem.” Diagnosing The Disorder What you don’t seem to understand here, Syd — and you would if you’d read and memorized “The System” — is that this guy who’s kissing Chelsie is not the problem. Actually, you should be buying the guy a box of candy or some flowers, because he brought to light a negative trait in your woman, which makes her no good to you for the long haul. So he really did you a big favor here. Guys always attack the other guy in these situations. They forget what the real point is — that their girlfriend led that other guy on. Think about it, Syd. Chelsie didn’t tell this guy to go to hell. She didn’t say, “Hey, I’m deeply in love with Syd, so leave me alone!” Don’t kid yourself, my friend. Chelsie fed off this situation. There was something about it that she dug, which was why she went along with it. Common sense dictates that if you don’t like someone,

you tell the creep to get lost. So, like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Between the ears, your girlfriend is a cuckoo.” But above all, she can’t be trusted. She has no loyalty, and she’s not trustworthy. Other than that, I think she’d be a great mother to your daughter, as she’d be the perfect role model to teach her about right and wrong. Uh, right. See It For What It Is You think Chelsie has more interest in you than vice versa? Syd, you’re out of touch with reality. You’ve got the situation exactly backward! You’re upside down here. Her Interest Level is 51% and yours is 99%! To you psych majors: You don’t continue a relationship with a woman who’s untrustworthy. Chelsie has demonstrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that she can’t be trusted. And you have to understand that the woman can’t be just 98% or 99% trustworthy. She has to be 100% trustworthy for you to hang on to her. Chelsie gets an “F” in the subject of trust. Syd, you don’t lecture a girl when she lets another guy kiss her. You walk; that’s all you do. She was horrified that the situation got out of hand? Wrong! She knew what she was doing the whole time. She was feeding off this guy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “These two are in a symbiotic relationship.” You can’t try to make this work out, guy. Chelsie can’t be trusted as far as you can see her. Period. She claims that the other guy pestered her constantly? That’s really funny. She must have left out the part where he was waving a .45 at her and forcing her to kiss him. A Simple Prescription What should you do? Dump Chelsie. I recommend walking away from her right now. You can’t forget about what happened here, now or 50 years from now. And until you memorize my materials, you’re going to walk around in a state of confusion like 90% of the men out there. Remember, guys: Any time you can’t trust a girl, you’ve been with her too long.

Doc Love: Dating An Older Woman Hey Doc, I’m a longtime reader, and I think what you’re doing to help joes like us is awesome. Here’s my situation. I met Claudine at work. She seems like my type of girl — sarcastic and slightly jaded on the outside, though I can tell she’s a big softy like me on the inside. We see each other in the workplace, but we don’t actually work with each other, so there isn’t really that dating-a-coworker problem.

No Playing Games Here are my two issues. First, I’m usually really good at hooking the girl, but I’ve had trouble with reeling them in, so to speak. I’m the type of guy who doesn’t really like playing games, and I let women know who I am straight out because I figure if they don’t like me for me, then there’s no point in dating them, and it’s just wasted time. I play cocky, but I’m a big softy on the inside. I’ve gotten mixed results; most girls really dig it, but some haven’t. So I guess what I’m asking is, how should I approach the first date with Claudine? An Older Woman Secondly, there’s the age difference between us. I’m 20, and Claudine’s 25. I’m kind of worried that the age difference might come into play here. I can’t foresee anything specific, because she doesn’t seem like a bar diver or a party girl. My friends and I can get pretty goofy, but she seems to really like me for my goofy self. Also, what can a 20-year-old and a 25-year-old do on a first date that would be fun? Any ideas? Lace — who’s just getting back into the game Doc Love's Response Hi Lace, First of all, how do you know this girl is a big softy on the inside? You only see her at work, you’ve never taken her out, and you’ve never even sat down and talked to her for an hour. Heck, you don’t know the first thing about her except for her name and where she works! Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You’re just projecting here.” Also, how do you know Claudine’s not a bar diver or a party girl? You’ve never even been out with her! You’ve judged this girl, and you know nothing whatsoever about her — she’s a complete stranger to you. And “reeling them in” is exactly what my techniques are all about. Most guys can get a girl to like them at the beginning, but that’s where it ends. They can’t keep them, or as you say, “reel them in.” That’s where “The System” comes in — and that’s why you need my book. In those pages, you’ll get every technique you need to hook and land a woman, and keep her for the long run. So what are you waiting for, Lace? To Be Or Not To Be Honest Now, this whole thing about letting women know who you are, warts and all, is a complete pile of garbage. To you psych majors: You don’t tell a girl on the first date that you rob banks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You tell her after she falls in love with you. Then she can’t leave.” You’re not supposed to give her any negatives whatsoever. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “At the beginning, it’s a cat-and-mouse game.” So when you tell me you’re completely up-front with women, I know right then and there you don’t know the first thing about them.

Getting Ahead Of Yourself Don’t worry about your first date with Claudine. Take it one step at a time. Go up to her and get her home or cell phone number. Without the phone number, nothing’s going to happen, and nothing’s going to start. So that’s the very first thing you have to do. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Don’t go puttin’ the cart before the horse, boy.” Now, let me explain something to you. The age difference between you and Claudine is not as simple as five years of chronological time. She’s actually 35 to your 20. Since she’s a woman, she has 10 years' lead time on you. So Claudine is actually 15 years older than you. If you were 50 and she was 55, it would be no big deal. But you’re a 20-year-old kid trying to go out with a 25-year-old woman; she’s far ahead of you on the maturity scale. And never forget that romantic relationships are the female’s turf, not the man’s. It's Time To Man Up Don’t be a goofy kid around Claudine, Lace. You can’t act like a fool when you're with a 25year-old woman, because she won’t think it’s cute. Those kinds of antics are only amusing to 17-year-old girls. Instead of trying to take Claudine anywhere on a first date, you’re going to meet her at Starbucks and talk to her for an hour. You have to pass the first interview before you get on to the fun things. You have to see if you’re any kind of match for Claudine. You have to see whether her eyes light up when she’s with you. You have to see if she’ll reach out and touch your arm or leg. You have to see whether she says, “I’d really like to see you again.” Until all that happens, don’t get ahead of yourself. Remember, guys: Most guys don’t make it past the first date.

Doc Love: She's A Liar Hey Doc, I just started reading your columns so I haven’t had a chance yet to read “The System,” but let me describe my situation. I’m a 22-year-old American guy dating a Bengali girl, Kala, who is also the daughter of very conservative religious parents. We’ve been dating for just about a year now, and she lives with me at my parents’ house. Her family knows nothing about me or that she is involved with anyone, and they’ve tried pushing her into marriage and even found a guy that they want her to marry. This is the custom in her culture, and she told me a while back that she did not want to marry this man. Secret Conversations Let me tell you how this issue came up. I was using her laptop because she let me borrow it when mine broke. I came across a folder containing conversations with this guy her parents had found for her. She was telling him that she was going to marry him and all kinds of other things. I confronted Kala about this, and she said she told him these things so her parents

would back off her for a while and that she didn’t want to marry him. I refused to just accept it and told her I wanted her to e-mail him and tell him she wasn’t interested in him at all and wasn’t going to be with him, which she did in front of me. Accepting Gifts A few months went by, and we were next to each other with our laptops when I glanced over and saw her e-mailing the guy and asking him to send her these colored contact lenses she wanted but refused to let me buy for her. I said nothing at the time. A few weeks later, she told me that her cousin was going to be sending her the contacts and I said, “Oh, really? I thought that other guy was sending them.” She got all mad and flustered and tried to deny it, but then said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to get angry. Am I crazy or should she not be asking for and receiving gifts from other guys, especially one her family is pushing her to marry? This happened two weeks ago, and I have yet to get over it. The whole situation screams that I am a sucker, but I don’t know what to do, especially since Kala lives with me. I sometimes worry that she stays with me just for a place to live. On top of all this, I’d have to convert to her religion in order to be with her long term. So am I being a sucker, Doc? Jericho — who's in deep Doc Love's Response Hi Jericho, Wait a minute here. It would take you all of three minutes to order “The System” via the internet, so why don’t you have it? You’ve got a huge problem on your hands here with Kala, and you haven’t had a chance to order my program? What are you waiting for, my friend? More torture and torment? I don’t get it. Having Kala living with you is the biggest mistake you’ve made in your life, dude. To you Psych majors, you don’t live with a girl you barely know. Whether or not your parents are there is beside the point. The biggest problem with this arrangement is that you’re murdering challenge. But, then again, you don’t read my book. Hey, makes sense to me! Arranging a marriage for children is a tradition in many cultures. This would be no big deal if the girl has a 90% Interest Level in you; she would buck her family’s wishes. But Kala's not doing that. And that tells you something. You Can't Trust Her When you found the computer folder containing Kala’s e-mails to this other guy, right then and there you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is a liar. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you should throw her out in the street and never talk to her again.” Jericho, don’t you understand what’s going on? Kala’s lying to you. When a girl lies to you, she has no loyalty. She’s talking to another man behind your back, which means she’s dishonest. So she’s out. Done. Finis. Over. There’s no other way to say it.

But Kala swore that she did it so her folks would back off her. So that means she’s lying to her parents too. This is just great! She wants her folks to back off for a while? How about you back off for a while? And how about telling her to get lost forever? Why are you having Kala e-mail this other guy? You don’t want her e-mailing anybody, Jericho. All you want to do is get rid of her right now. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This one’s dangerous, my son. She’s a pathological liar.” Stop Being A Pushover And so she has to be out, like I said. Of course she e-mailed the other guy in front of you. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “As soon as you turn your back, she’ll write him another e-mail saying she changed her mind.” Come on, pal. Wake up! And you’re the guy who hasn’t had a chance to read "The System" yet! Gosh, you’re really smart! Not only did Kala lie to you once, she’s lying again because she’s still conversing with the other guy! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Do you need this other guy to move into your house with you and your girl before you finally catch the drift?” The reason Kala didn’t tell you — or do anything — about the other guy has nothing to do with you getting ticked off. She didn’t tell you anything about him because she wants to keep him on the line. That way she gets to have two boyfriends. She has her parents’ choice and she has the guy she lives with. And you go for it, Jericho! This Kala’s pretty smart, isn’t she? I’ll tell you why you’re crazy, Jericho, and it’s not because Kala’s taking gifts from other guys. You’re crazy for staying with her. You’re not a sucker; you’re a triple sucker. Why not toss her? Tell her to beat it — goodbye! Inform her that she has a week to pack and find someplace else to live. Of course she’s staying with you just for a place to live. This babe has no interest in you. She’s only interested in what her parents want her to do and this potential husband. You’re just a big stooge. Remember, guys: If she’s a pathological liar, she’s not really good material for a long-term relationship.

Doc Love: Just Friends Hey Doc,

I’ve been a reader for some time. Love the work! I’m looking for advice on pouncing on a girl I failed to win over last time. I’m 25 and have had plenty of success with women, but there are very few who I’ve found to be long-term material. Nowhere to go Two months ago, I met Marcella on the bus. She was interesting and interested. After getting her number, I went out with her, and the date went great for a while. We went to a restaurant and left smiling. She seemed to follow me around, and I knew she was interested in me.

Unfortunately, because I was new to the area, I didn’t really think ahead about where to go and what to do. I started to leave decisions in her hands, and we ended up getting a movie and going to her apartment to watch it. Her interest dwindled slightly, but she was still into me. Then, on the next date, I made the mistake of going along with her to dance with her and her friend. I got tired, and since I don’t like crowded spaces, I came across as not taking charge enough. I asked Marcella if she’d like to get together again and got the “as friends” slammer. Failed Attempts I texted Marcella a few times since then and got responses but never successfully made plans, so I just gave up for a while. It’s been a month since I spoke to her, but I keep seeing her on the bus. I flirt with other girls and just ignore her. Now I’m thinking about taking another stab at Marcella. Do you think I should just give it more time? And if I do approach her, is bringing up the last date a taboo subject? Alain - who still feels the challenge Doc Love's Response Hi Alain, You don’t really love my work. What you really mean is that you like my work. If you truly loved the work, you’d own “The System” — and you don’t. When you say you’ve found few girls who are long-term material, you’re also indirectly saying that these girls have never found you to be long-term material. Have you thought about that? You didn’t have a solid game plan for dating Marcella. In fact, you didn’t have any plan at all. Most guys don’t think ahead in relationships. They only look at their feelings at the time, and they never look down the road. They have no type of foresight or wisdom whatsoever about where this relationship might be headed. This is like going into war without a plan of attack. Like my cousin General Love says, “When you march onto the battlefield unprepared, you invite disaster.” And, sure enough, you relinquished control pretty much immediately and ended up at Marcella’s apartment with nothing in mind except for a movie. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In other words, it wasn’t long before she started wearing the pants and you started wearing the dress.” Well, that’s great, Alain. That’s guaranteed to raise Marcella’s Interest Level. The price of being unprepared What is interesting is that you actually noticed that Marcella’s interest in you was going down. Despite that huge red flag, you still didn’t say to yourself, “I’ve got to get a hold of Doc’s program right away and try to figure out why her Interest Level is in a tailspin!” You never asked yourself what was really going on, and you didn’t reach out for the one thing that could actually help you — my book.

And as so often happens when you’re shortsighted and unprepared, you compounded the situation by making another mistake. How in the world do you go out on a date with a girl you like and get “tired"? Why would you go out on a date in the first place if you were bushed? And, of course, this was on top of committing the blunder of going out with one of Marcella’s friends in tow. No group dates is the rule, but you weren’t aware of it. Third, you don’t ask a girl if she wants to get together; you just assume you’re going to get together. You name the place and time, and say, “Is it OK to pick you up then?” Just friends When you heard the words “as friends” fall from Marcella’s lips, it meant her Interest Level had just gone from 51% to 49%, and you were out forever the instant she uttered them. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she wants to be just friends with you, it also means that she will never have anything to do with you again, even if you were the last man on the face of the earth.” You shouldn’t just give up trying Marcella for a while, pal. You should give up on her forever. This thing is done. It’s over. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “When you hear the word ‘friends,' it’s the kiss of death.” No Second Chances You can’t give this thing even one minute more because you’re done. Finished. What you don’t understand is that Marcella doesn’t even give you a thought anymore. When you cross paths on the bus, you don’t even register for her. She doesn’t see your face; she sees another guy’s face. You’re a complete stranger to her. This is what most guys never understand. To you Psych majors, once you blow it with a girl, you don’t even exist for her. You just blend into the traffic and the passing scenery and all the other passengers on the bus. No, Alain, you’re not going to approach Marcella. Why? Because it’s a complete waste of time. And if you did, why would you bring up anything negative, like the last date? All you’d be doing would be putting yourself down. Why would you want to do that? What’s patently obvious to me is that you don’t know the first thing you’re doing, dude. How long are you going to wait before you put an end to your confusion? Remember, guys: If she wants to be just friends, you’re out.

She's Insecure Hey Doc, I’m a new reader. Let me briefly tell you about this nightmare I entered. I liked Mia, a girl I know at work. Her ex cheated on her and treated her really badly. She had no friends in town, so I set her up with a new apartment, and she finally got away from him. She was incredibly grateful to me and fell completely in love with me. As I thought she was not ready for a relationship, I decided to book flights to try and forget about her and go and see an ex, thinking Mia would take the hint. But a few days later, things changed, and we started dating and got romantic. Mia is really insecure, and I was really nice to her.

Secret visits Anyway, things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, Mia started bringing up that I went to see my ex. She just couldn’t get over the fact that I had these flights already booked and couldn’t get out of them. Then she started to meet her ex in secret (she said nothing happened between them, which I believe). She kept telling me that she was falling in love with me but was too scared to do so because of what happened the last time between her and her ex. I changed from being the chased to the chaser, and like a moron, became super submissive to her. Mia then broke up with me. She said I should go and see my ex again, forget about her, and said I deserved to be happy. She added that we had to stop seeing each other and that she needed to be alone. After a long debate (dumb, I know), we closed it quite amicably by saying we could just be friends. Her ex messed her up Question: It’s obvious that Mia is confused and has trust issues, but do I still have a chance here, or did I blow it by becoming too submissive? Do you think a lack of attention from me could bring Mia back? I treated her really well and gave her a lot of attention (she said this initially attracted her to me). Do you think her initial Interest Level can be recovered, or is it too much to expect after her scumbag ex messed her up? I know I played it poorly, but I just did not expect to fall for Mia this badly — which I told her, by the way. Stewie, who doesn’t know where to start Doc Love's Response Hi Stewie,

Let me explain something to you. When you set a woman up that you want to date with a new apartment — or wash her car or fix her computer — what you’re doing is sliding down into “friendship” mode straight out of the gate. In other words, you’re trying to up her romantic Interest Level by doing things for her. But you’re not there to be her plumber or her mechanic or her computer tech or her real estate agent. You’re there to raise her Interest Level, and that’s all. To you psych majors: When you act as her “helper,” you’re broadcasting your high Interest Level, which is anti-challenge. So you made a serious mistake here right from the getgo. Why are you going to see your ex? Your ex is ancient history. And why are you blabbing to Mia about an ex? You’re not supposed to talk about other women to the one you want to date. I know you thought Mia would take the hint when you brought up your ex, but your thinking is all wrong. Somehow you figured that telling her you were going out with an ex who lives so far away that you had to fly to see her was going to make Mia like you more. It doesn’t make sense. And if Mia was a nice, trusting girl, it was a stupid move.

She's seeing her ex On the other hand, if Mia is really an insecure mess, that means she’s out. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “Insecure women don’t make good wives.” Period. That’s it.

You know why Mia started bringing up your flights to see your ex? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Because you told her, you big bucket-mouth!” And yes, you could have gotten out of those flights if I gave you a million dollars, right? So don’t say you were somehow trapped into seeing your ex, because it’s B.S.

Now let me get this straight. Mia started seeing her ex in secret? You mean the ex who abused her and treated her like crap? Gosh, Stewie, this girl is even dumber than you! Because you go and see an ex, that means she has to go and see her ex? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “What is this? A game of tit for tat?” Mia is a flat-out liar when she says she’s too scared to fall in love with you because of what happened with her ex. She started meeting him again, didn’t she? Why would she do that if she'd had such bad experiences before? You can't be friends Nevertheless, instead of running for the hills when she displayed this behavior, you turned around and became supersubmissive to Mia. Very good — at least you learned something from my book, even though you don’t have it. But seriously, Mia did you a favor when she broke up with you; you just don’t see it. Guy, you’re not going to be friends with this babe. You’re going to be cordial when you see her on the street and say hi and goodbye and nothing else. Friends talk to each other two or three times a week, and you two aren’t going to do that. Like the old Chinese saying goes: “‘Friends’ is the most misused word in the English language, Grasshopper.” You’re right about one thing: Mia does have trust issues. But you’re wrong when you say she’s confused. You’re the one who’s confused. She just has trust issues. Forget it Do you still have a chance here? Dude, you did everything wrong. Like my cousin General Love says: “When you do everything wrong on the battlefield, you can’t expect a good outcome, soldier.” No, a lack of attention from you won’t bring Mia back, because once Interest Level hits 49%, you’re gone. And you’re gone, pal. All that attention you lavished on Mia may have attracted her to you, but it didn’t make this thing last, did it? Her scumbag ex didn’t mess her up. You messed up by making every blunder in the book. If you'd done things right and Mia didn’t have trust issues and she wasn’t insecure and she was clinically sane, you’d have had a chance. But there’s way too much going against you.

One last thing: Why are you telling this girl who doesn’t care about you that you’re in love with her? You say that you played it poorly with Mia. So then why don’t you do it properly next time? The only way to do that is to get a hold of my program and memorize it. Remember, guys: If you don’t do things right from the beginning, you’re dead in the water.

Play Hard To Get Hey Doc, I got Kimmy, a gorgeous and socially booked girl, to pursue me. She’s a ceramics artist, rich, a bit of a local superstar here in Peru, and is very busy with grand invitations almost every single night. Our third and fourth dates got very romantic. She kept saying, “I feel like I’m in heaven!” Interest Level: 95%. She practically begged me for the fifth date. But something happened on that date, and she got a bit cold, and although we returned to my house and finished off a bottle of whiskey, I ended up escorting her home in a taxi. Interest Level down to 85%. Then she begged me for a sixth date. We went to a club, but just before we got there, she broke the news that she was going away for two weeks. Well, the club was popping, and we had a fun time but got into a few little spats — she was acting cold, dancing with her back to me, not looking at me, and so on. Sending her gifts I started sending her flowers and small gifts, like chocolates. The day before she left on her trip, I sent her a single red rose and a reading lamp for her eight-hour bus trip. After she got back to town I waited a week before asking her out. We went to a concert and dancing, but she was cold every time I touched her. I asked what was bothering her, and she didn’t answer. I asked her if she wanted to go to my house and she mumbled, “I can’t.” I was ticked off. In the taxi on the way home, she took my hand and said, “But I really enjoy spending time with you!” Wussing out Then I wussed a bit. Rather than returning cold with ice, I sent her a few messages with famous love songs. I texted her a few times asking how she was doing and got zero response. A few days later, she wrote, “I have been really busy. I will let you know when I have time.” Interest Level between 45% and 60%. A few days later I responded with, “Better I tell you when I have time!” That was two weeks ago, and there’s been zero contact since. I know I made mistakes, but I believe Kimmy’s Interest Level will be back up to 65% if I make the right next move and then play Challenge to get her back up to 85%. I need advice on my strategy, Doc. How do I re-kindle the flame? Ernesto - who knows he can win her back Doc Love's Response Hi Ernesto,

First of all, you shouldn’t have gotten so romantic with Kimmy so soon. Instead of coming on so strong with her, you should have just kissed her at her door. But like most men, you have no self-control, and that character flaw will always lead you straight into trouble. When Kimmy got a bit cold with you, you shouldn’t have returned to your house with her. Once you saw that she was being distant, you should have backed off. Next, you should have turned her down for the sixth date. That’s what would have upped her Interest Level. You don’t understand this because you haven’t memorized "The System," but the word “no” drives Interest Level up. You went along with Kimmy’s interest in you because it was incoming, but it was the wrong time to do that. Then you started getting into little fights with this babe. Let me explain something to you: Women with low Interest Level start spats. Women with high Interest Level don’t. And what it means is that you’re on your way out. Ernesto, you’re seeing this girl too much and you’re doing the wrong things — a deadly combination. Now I know for sure that you don’t have my book. When Kimmy was dancing like you weren’t there and refused to talk to you, you should have taken her straight home — to her place. To you Psych majors, when you’re not having fun with a woman, cut it. But instead of backing way off, you started sending her gifts. Big mistake. Interest Level is taking a dive, and you’re sending gifts? That’s the worst thing you can do, pal. And you kept sending them. This girl isn’t your girlfriend. You don’t give gifts unless she’s already your girlfriend. To boot, you’re having all kinds of problems with her. What sense does this make?

You shouldn’t have called Kimmy when she got back to town from her trip. Instead, you should have waited for her to call you. And when she was cold every time you touched her, you shouldn’t have been touching her. Like I always tell you guys, she should be touching you. But again, you don’t know that since you don’t have “The System.” Getting it all wrong Ernesto, you never ask a girl what’s bothering her. When you have to do that, it means you’re finished. You’re never going to get the truth from her. She’s not going to come right out and tell you that you’re turning her off.

Then you compounded your errors with more errors. When Kimmy was treating you like crap, you shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted to go to your house. Keep the dates short. When she mumbled that she couldn’t go, it meant you were out. And when she told you that she really enjoyed spending time with you, it was Womanese for “This is our last date!”

You wussed a bit? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, you’ve been wussing the whole time!”

But instead of toughening up, what did you do? You sent Kimmy love songs. More begging! If you're begging, you’re on the way out. Ernesto, what’s wrong with you? All you do is hurt your cause with all of this begging. Being on your knees all the time makes you look like a wimp, and no clinically sane woman likes that. What you’re supposed to do at this point is withdraw. You can’t up her Interest Level by mailing her love songs. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In her mind, you and love don’t go together.”

When you got zero response to all your texts, it meant you were finished. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “All you’re doin’, boy, is beatin’ a dead hoss.” When she told you that she’d call you when she had time, it was just more Womanese for “Don’t ever call me again!” You can't get her back I got more bad news for you. Kimmy’s Interest Level isn’t even near 60% now. Her Interest Level is more like 39%, pal. And you know what that means — finito! But you told her it would be better if you contacted her when you were free. Aw, you’re pulling a macho play on someone who doesn’t even like you. You’re a tough guy, Ernesto. I’m impressed.

And what’s the result of all these wrong moves? There’s been no contact between the two of you since. Don’t worry: Kimmy will get back to you sometime in the next 20 years.

Ernesto, if you knew you made mistakes, why did you make them? Here’s the problem with wanting a new strategy: When Interest Level is below 50%, you’re out. Nothing will work now. When her interest was dropping from 95% to 51%, you could have salvaged it. But below 51%, it’s hopeless. You can’t rekindle her flame.

Remember, guys: When you’re out, there’s no way of winning her back.

Long-Distance Relationships Hey Doc, I’d been seeing Brenda, a single mom with two kids, for a short while. We live about 45 minutes away from each other and had a handful of dates. She admitted to me that she’s been seeing someone who lives in her town and that she’s felt herself growing closer to him. distance and dating Now, how much of an issue is distance when it comes to dating? I don’t think 45 minutes away is that far. Alternatively, I’m hesitant to date anyone outside of my city, but in the event

I meet someone from out of town again, I’d like to know how I might handle it better. There aren’t many options here in my town. I also want to add that I always seem to get stuck at three or four dates with a woman, and this happens at about the one-month period. The only one that didn’t end in that period of time was a short-term “fake” relationship where the woman went back to her ex, later married him and divorced him. This has become quite frustrating for me because it seems like I can’t even get into a relationship with a woman. Everyone tells me all the stupid cliches: “Don’t try so hard.” (I don’t.) “Girls don’t like the nice guys.” (I’m not your typical nice guy.) “It will happen when you least expect it.” (I’m not expecting anything.) Doc, I’m 30 and would love for my luck to change. I sometimes think I would benefit from having someone right alongside me to help me, but I have no clue how to begin with that. Thank you for your time. Marcellus - who’s hit a wall doc love’s response Hi Marcellus, Whoa. Wait a minute here. You’re telling me that you’re dating a woman who is telling you that she’s seeing someone else and that her Interest Level in this other guy is going up? Doesn’t that tell you that you’re out of this long-distance relationship? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, she’s usin’ a bullhorn right in your face!” And doesn’t that tell you that this whole thing is all a waste of time? Doesn’t this tell you that you’re coming in second in the horse race? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Nobody remembers who comes in second at the track. Only the winners pay off.” do long-distance relationships work? To answer your question about long distance, the truth is that it’s a big deal. To you Psych majors: If you live 5 or 10 minutes away from a girl, it’s easy to date her and use Challenge. But when she lives 45 minutes to an hour away, you naturally will have to see her less and your planning has to be much stricter. Basically, everything is much harder in a long-distance relationship. How do you handle this situation better? You can’t. The girl has to live closer to you. The rule is that the shorter the distance between the two of you, the better off you are. As far as the local options are concerned, you haven’t met every girl in your town, have you, Marcellus? The reason you keep getting stuck at the one-month period with girls is because you’re doing things wrong. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What happens is that the girl likes you on the first date, you’re pretty good on the second date, on the third date things start going downhill, and by the fourth date, you’re out.” This happens to lots of guys. And it happens because they say and do all the wrong things because they don’t have my program, "The System." And this is apparently what’s happening in your case, my friend.

getting past the fourth date Marcellus, you have to be a pretty sharp guy because you’re able to get phone numbers, and you’re getting these girls to go out with you on a few dates. Most guys don’t get past the first date, so that tells me that you’re doing at least some things right. But you have to get to 10 or 12 dates with a girl in order for it to have the possibility of going somewhere, and you’re not doing that. That means that the words that are coming out of your mouth by dates three and four are turning the girl off. Regarding your so-called “fake” relationship, what does that tell you about going back? The woman you had a long-distance relationship with dropped you because you did things wrong, but she couldn’t be alone, so she went back to an ex who did things wrong and married him. And while they were married, the guy continued to do things wrong, and then she divorced him. So maybe she’ll come back to you now, right? I know you’re frustrated because you can’t get into a relationship, pal. But, like I said, if you’re getting three or four dates, you’re doing at least something right, so don’t lose hope. As my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The problem is that you can’t carry the ball over the goal line.” heard it all before When women break up with you, they usually speak in Womanese, which is always confusing for guys. “I’m not ready for a relationship," "We have to talk," "I just want to be friends.” There are a dozen of them, and all women use the same lines. In other words, they are not going to say to you directly how you’re messing up, but those cliches are telling you that you’re doing something wrong. Marcellus, the only thing that is going to help you is "The System." Then you have to read it once a week for 15 weeks. Then you will have all the help you need, believe me. That will be me standing right next to you and helping you along. And you will finally understand what’s going on between yourself and women. What’s going on with you is not a matter of luck, guy. You’re making blunders and you’re saying the wrong things. Again, you do get a handful of dates, so you’re not all that bad off. But by the fourth date, your dates' Interest Level has dropped from 85% to 35%. Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my program, you will always hit a wall.

Her Guy Friends Hey Doc, I have to say that I really enjoy reading your columns. I have your thinking down pretty well, and I’m lucky enough to have a good friend who has the best luck with women to help me. But I’ve run into a problem and I don’t know what to do, so could you coach me? a happy beginning I met Heather three months ago when I went out to a nightclub. She and I danced a lot and had a total blast. She gave me her home number and asked me to call her. I didn’t even have

to ask for it, so I must have done something right. Heather is the kind of girl that I’ve been looking for all my life. I’m not a young man, Doc. I’m older and I’m really particular about what I like, want and will put up with. Anyway, Heather is all I could ever want and a bag of chips. I’ve maintained Challenge with Heather the entire time. She told me she loves me, and I fell down only once and told her that I loved her back — my bad. But it didn’t slow her down, and she just smiled and laughed every time we had a date (which was more times than you recommend, but they were all quality dates and we had fun every time). her guy friends Now here’s the problem: I called Heather two days ago to ask her out on a date for our usual night. But a friend she hasn’t seen in many months (who lives and works out of town) called her up out of the blue and said he wanted to get together with her. She offered to let him crash at her place. The issue? Heather broke our date and her friend is a guy. Heather is a girl with guy friends, Doc. I have no problems with her having men as friends since I’m not a jealous person and she’s told me that she loves that about me. She happens to have a lot of guy friends, but I can’t get it out of my head that she broke a date with me to go have a couple of beers with this guy. I am angry beyond belief here. I don’t know if I should just kick her to the curb or do what my heart says, which is not to worry about it and let her have a night with a friend. I do love Heather and care for her more than any other girl I’ve dated in years, but I won’t stand for disloyalty. What should I do? Mikhail - who can’t decide doc love’s response Hi Mikhail, First of all, I’m glad you have this buddy whom you call “lucky.” The real truth of the matter is that he isn’t lucky. He’s either what we call a “natural” or he’s studied my techniques from "The System" and committed them to memory. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “There’s no such thing as luck when it comes to women. You either know what you’re doing, or you don’t — that’s all there is to it.” But I do like the fact that Heather came at you with her home number without your having to ask. This shows extremely high Interest Level straight out of the gate. A very good sign. her lowered interest level And at least you know that you fell down on the job when you told Heather that you loved her. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re only supposed to tell a babe you love her on your wedding day.” So you have a long way to go, Mikhail. Now this faux pas might not have slowed Heather down on the outside, but something very important happened on the inside: Her Interest Level slipped from 99% to 90%. Her Interest Level may be still in the 90s, but it’s no longer 99%. Why? Because you were anti-Challenge when you blabbed that you loved her. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She got it out of you, dawg!” And, by the way, how many times has she heard that line from other guys? No doubt

she heard it from all the guys she dropped before you picked up on her, my friend. And you’re also, by your own admission, seeing her way more than you should be. You're breaking the rules. So you have “I love you,” and you’re seeing her too much — and you have the nerve to call yourself a Challenge? In whose book? So why should you be having a problem with this babe, Mikhail? She’s completely in the dark over whether or not she owns you. Yeah, right. less of a challenge Sure, your dates with Heather were high quality and loads of fun – for you. But like I said before, Heather’s Interest Level has dipped since you became something less than a Challenge. And her low Interest Level is the only thing that matters. And now here’s the proof of what I’m saying: She’s letting her guy friends crash at her pad. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This isn’t kosher.” To boot, she broke a date with you to do it. If she broke a date with you in the first 10 or 12 weeks, she would have been history. But since she has three months in with you and way more than the usual number of dates, she knows she can get away with it. So there’s a much more serious problem here, and it’s this: Women with high Interest Levels don't break dates. Heather might be a girl with guy friends who loves the fact that you’ll let her hang out with them, but this is a huge red flag, nevertheless. And a red flag is a red flag is a red flag. Why does Heather have lots of guy friends when she has low interest in them? Women with low Interest Level don’t keep all kinds of guys hanging around. Look at it this way, pal. If Heather said to you, “I like this guy, but he can’t stay at my place so I’m going to pay for a hotel for him,” that would have been one thing. But she didn’t say that. Why is she not thinking that way? In fact, her thinking is the direct opposite. She’s willing to break a date with you to be with this other guy — at her place. To you Psych majors, for most women, loyalty goes with high Interest Level. And so she must be thinking, "Why should I be loyal if I don’t dig the guy?" And that means you. And why would she rather spend time with this other guy, who is just a friend, rather than with you? That’s something else to think about, Mikhail. Remember, guys: Women with high Interest Level don’t break dates.

Playing The Field Hey Doc, I’ve read "The System," and I have to say I love your book, especially for pinpointing bad women. Now here’s my problem: I dated Savannah for five years. At the same time, however, I also got involved for two years with a smoking hot blonde named Eva (I was playing the field). Eva and I had some pretty awesome moments. She was totally in love with me, even though she was only 19 at the time. She knew I was in a relationship, and since I didn’t break up with Savannah, Eva started to lose interest in me (and I did the same with her). I finally broke up with Savannah, and afterward, Eva and I started to see other people, as did Savannah.

This past summer, Eva and I ran into each other at the same parties, and we started to go out again. After four months, we got into a serious relationship. Eva said she was happy to finally experience something that she’d wanted for so long. Not on the the same page? Eva is 21 now and I’m 26, and we’ve been dating for almost five months, even though it feels like a lot longer. I usually sleep at her house, and sometimes I think we’re too attached and I’m too available. We “play fight” a lot and try to show each other that if we ever did break up with each other we’d be OK on our own. That’s because we are both very attractive and we constantly get pursued by the opposite sex. Alternatively, Eva talks a lot about having a child, getting married, buying a house, etc. I usually go along with it, but I have a problem with the way she was raised and sometimes I think she’s rude, not very polite, immature, and gets angry too easily. Another complication is that my mom doesn’t like her. We are both very into the club lifestyle, but lately we’ve let this slide and have been living an almost married life. I’m not sure what I feel for Eva, but lately I’ve been thinking that I really don’t want to be without her. Doc, am I investing in a relationship that’s not going to work out? What’s your opinion? Don - who has his doubts doc love’s response Hi Don, You started going out with Eva when you were already involved with Savannah, and that tells me one of two things: You didn’t have interest in the woman you were dating for five years, or you’re just a young guy who likes to play the field and you’re definitely not ready to settle down. Be honest, Don. If you had 80% Interest Level in Savannah, you wouldn’t have been going out with Eva. And if you were really interested in Eva, you would have hung on to her. You were involved with two women, and they both went on to date other people. This, again, tells me that either you’re not ready to settle down, which is fine, or that neither of these women really held you. If you had high Interest Level in either one of them, you would have stuck with one of them. no going back You might have started going out with Eva again, but it’s pointless because it’s already over whether or not you know it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re beatin’ a dead horse here, my boy.” Why is it dead? Because you can’t go back. You can’t go out with a girl, disappear and then come back again. It doesn’t work that way. To you Psych majors, whenever there is inconsistent behavior, it means the relationship is finished. When Eva said to you that this was what she wanted for so long, it was really just an illusion in both of your minds. As far as a long-term relationship with this girl is concerned, you had it with her in the past, and it didn’t work out. It was over then — which means it’s over now.

It’s OK to be too attached to a girl, but it’s definitely not OK to be too available. If you’re hanging around Eva all the time, you’re lowering her Interest Level because you’re not a Challenge, in spite of the fact that you have my program. You shouldn’t be spending so much time with her anyway. Are you sure you memorized my book, Don? When two people are in love, they don’t “play fight” and pretend to break up. You’re toying with each other's egos, dude, and to no good end. In addition, Eva is just 21 years old. This indicates to me that neither of you are very mature and that you’re not ready to settle down. That’s the crux of the problem here. no future ahead When you give me a laundry list of all of Eva’s bad character traits, it tells me loud and clear that you shouldn’t have a child with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She’s just a child herself.” And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When a girl has that many negatives, you shouldn’t even be around her, let alone want to marry her.” You better get a grip on yourself, buddy. And that’s not all. You and Eva are both into the club lifestyle — and you want to marry her after only five months? What’s wrong with you, Don? When you say you don’t know what you feel for Eva, it means you don’t love her. Simple as that. But you swear that you don’t want to be without her. Guy, even though you’re 26, face the facts: You like dating a bunch of babes and playing the field. Again, there’s nothing wrong with it, but that’s the reality of the situation here. You talked about two different women you were trying to get serious with, but the truth is that you’re not really ready to get serious yourself. And, yes, you’re investing in a relationship that’s not going to work out. So why waste Eva’s time and yours? Remember, guys: If you’re into the club lifestyle, don’t fool yourself into thinking you want to get married.

She Is Using You Hey Doc, I always read your articles, and I’m going to buy the “The System” very soon, I promise. But before I do that, I have a problem with my current girl, and I think it’s getting worse. Here’s my story: Gen has been with me for two years. She is very kind, and we love each other very much. We met in England and then had to return to our home countries for university work. She is from China and I’m from India, by the way. Nowadays, whenever we speak, she always asks me about her schoolwork first and gives very little attention to mine. If I have not done her work for her, she gets very angry and there are arguments. We used to just argue before, but now the arguments have become outright fights. crack the whip Worse, whenever we speak on webcam, she tries to control what I should do. She tries to impose her ideas on me, and if I don’t listen, she gets annoyed, furious and ends up crying.

She tells me that I don’t think her work is important. (She is finishing her dissertation and I am a graduate student in the same subject, so I write her papers for her.) I changed her dissertation three times according to her adviser’s comments, but each time there was a problem and Gen got angry with me and said that I didn’t think her work was as important as mine. If I try to tell her gently that I have my own business to manage and must earn money for us as well, she accuses me of having changed from the way I used to be. Gen and I have decided to get married next year, and our families are very excited. Doc, please coach me because I don’t know what to do. Kumarr - who feels beaten up doc love’s response Hi Kumarr, When you say you’re going to buy “The System” very soon, you act as if you’re going to have to go out and dig a ditch that’s 40 miles long, 30 feet deep and 18 feet wide. The truth is that all you have to do is go on your computer and order my book. It will take all of 90 seconds. So what’s the delay? What does “very soon” mean? But, hey, maybe you don’t really need my program. Maybe you’ve got it all under control. Let’s take a look. You tell me that your problems with your girl are bad and getting worse. So what are you doing about it? Kumarr, “The System” would help you understand why they’re so bad — but, again, you don’t see the need to buy it. As I’ve told you guys before, my columns shed light on certain aspects of dating. In order to get the full effect of my coaching, you need to memorize my book, because that’s where all the answers to your dilemmas about women are contained. it’s all about her The reason Gen doesn’t give your work any thought whatsoever is because she’s a taker and she’s selfish. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “These are two traits in a woman that you don’t want to live with.” If you had my program, you would see this right away. But you don’t have it, so you don’t know which end is up. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “A man without the proper guidance is nothing more than a lost soul.” You say that you and Gen fight a lot. In other words, you’re going out with what I call a women's prison guard. Like my cousin General Love says, “She has certain orders for you, and if you don’t carry them out, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Man, does that sound like fun. Kumarr, this is another trait you never want to have in a woman in a long-term relationship. But, again, you don’t think it’s necessary to invest in the single program that can save you from this anguish. I hope you realize that all the fighting you’re doing with Gen now is only going to get worse when you get married, pal. All of this is going on long distance and by webcam? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’d hate to see what she’d do to you if you were in the same room together!” I have to say that Gen is a really good selection on your part, guy.

Gen is also a control freak. That also makes for a great relationship. But then she breaks down and cries after these terrible scenes. I’ll bet that when she cries, you get right in line, Kumarr, don’t you? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Is this girl lookin’ for a butler or is she lookin’ for a mule?” An obvious mistake When Gen tells you that you don’t think her work is important, it’s a barefaced lie, because you help her. So you two are not on the same wavelength here, buddy. In fact, you’re not even on the same planet. Nevertheless, you cave in and write her papers for her, even if Gen does not appreciate anything you do for her and she never thanks you for helping her. Again, I have to congratulate you on your excellent choice for a long-term match. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You really hit the jackpot with this one, dawg!” I got news for you, Kumarr: This girl is a spoiled little brat. Apparently you hadn’t figured that out yet. After all of your efforts to keep her happy, when you point out that you have your own life to tend to and that you need to earn money, Gen accuses you of being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Are there any psychiatrists in China? If there are, this girl should definitely see one. Despite all of these danger signs, you and Gen have decided to get married anyway. Hey, it makes a lot of sense to me, especially from her end! So let me ask you this: Are you going to tie the knot before or after you get “The System”? Remember, guys: As soon as you get married, all your problems will be magnified tenfold.

She Is In A Relationship Hey Doc, I’m a new student of "The System," and I have to say, it’s really helping me understand the differences between men and women when it comes to dating. The concept of Challenge is something every father should teach his sons. That said, I’m in a tough bind here. I’m a Ph.D. student, and there’s this great girl, Caprice, who’s in my close group of friends at school (we met this semester). She has a boyfriend who helped her move in at the start of school, so I never went for her. her interest level is on the rise Fortunately, or unfortunately, I guess I was being a natural Challenge to her by not being interested, and her interest in me grew when she found out I was dating other girls, especially girls she didn’t like. She then started asking me to hang out with her more (when they like you, they make things easy for you, as you say). One night at a bar with friends, she even led me away from the group to dance with her, and we almost ended up making out (I pulled away because I didn’t want rumors to spread that I was a girlfriend stealer). Should I have talked to her about that night? I didn’t because I thought she would just deny everything by

saying she got drunk. After that night, she avoided me for a bit, but lately she’s been trying to get my attention again (for example, she never used to text me, now she does quite often) even though she is in a relationship. I’ve read your columns about situations like this, and you tell the guy to just make a move. Ask her out on a date, and walk away. The issue is that Caprice and I are in the same small social circle, and I don’t want to “walk away” and lose the rest of our friends for something that could be nothing. Do I remain unmoved and continue being just friends to see if she breaks up with her boyfriend? Do I try bringing up the night at the bar (which was months ago now), or should I just make a move and ask her out? More importantly, should I even bother with girls like this? Caprice seems great in Flexibility and Giving (she’s easygoing and bakes treats for all of our friends), but if I do manage to steal her away from her boyfriend right now, wouldn’t she be flunking the Loyalty test? Looking forward to your response. Franco - who’s trying to play it smart doc love’s response Hi Franco, Sure, the concept of Challenge should be taught by all fathers to their sons, but the problem is that the fathers themselves don’t know what the concept of Challenge is. Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “When a father goes home every night and takes orders from his domineering wife, he doesn’t have the first clue about Challenge!” Guy, you shouldn’t go for Caprice for one simple reason: She’s not available. Now, you have to be honest here. You say you weren’t interested in Caprice, but the truth is that you are. You’re just not showing you’re interested in her. It is great that Caprice’s interest in you seemed to increase when she found out you were dating other girls. This is fabulous — exactly what you want, man. But you shouldn’t have hung out with her. This is where you made a big mistake. You gave this girl time when she wasn’t available. To you psych majors: You give a girl time when she doesn’t have a boyfriend. So again, you made a massive, massive error here. When Caprice led you away from the group to dance, you shouldn’t have gone with her. You should have told her “I’m not going. I’m staying right here.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You let this girl lead you around like you were a little puppy dog.” And then you almost made out with her? In other words, you would have been making out with a girl who’s making out with another man. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Don’t you feel funny kissing a guy?” is she available? Your problem is not being a boyfriend stealer, dude. Your problem is that this girl has a boyfriend. You can’t steal a girl unless she’s available, Franco. Maybe Caprice’s Interest Level in you is 55%, but until she gets rid of this other guy, she’s not on the market.

No, you shouldn’t talk to Caprice about that night in the bar. You never bring up heavy subjects — it’s dumb. You’re not supposed to drive Caprice into a corner and make her feel uncomfortable about what she did that night. You might think you’re a student of “The System,” Franco, but you don’t actually have it, do you? The main thing is that you’re not supposed to be spending any time with this babe unless it’s just “hi” and “goodbye” when she walks by you at school. That’s it. When Caprice texts you, why are you texting her back? She is in a relationship. This girl is really none of your business, pal. I'd never tell you to just make a move when a babe has a boyfriend. You must be reading some other love doctor’s advice. she’s not on the market You can’t walk away from anything in this situation because Caprice hasn’t dropped her boyfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “I don’t know where you’re getting such delusions of grandeur.” Yes, you should remain unmoved and wait until she breaks up with this guy — you finally said something smart! Again, you can’t ask her out because she has a boyfriend. You’re right about something else: You shouldn’t be involved with girls like this at all. The only thing you should do is make sure that when Caprice sees you with other girls, they’re laughing hard and having a great time. How do you know Caprice is so great at Flexibility and Giving? You haven’t been out with her even once! How can you possibly evaluate character traits in a woman when you’ve never dated her? You can’t; it’s impossible. My friend, you need to memorize “The System,” because you’re off in la-la land. Franco, you’re not going to steal this babe away from her boyfriend. She’s not leaving, OK? That’s the deal. Remember, guys: When she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Spot The Red Flags Hey Doc, I’m in need of some of your coaching. Recently, I met Janine, a waitress at the local coffee shop. She struck up a conversation about a football game. As the next few months passed, I got to know her better through our short conversations. She always showed a lot of interest in me, asking what I did over the weekend, who I went out with, etc. She also tried to signal numerous times that she was single and that she shared similar interests with me. Although I realized she wanted me to ask her out, I decided not to because I wasn’t sure whether I really liked her as more than a friend. Eventually, she asked me out to a movie, and I made up some excuse. I turned her down and could see that she was hurt by my response. Soon after this, her interest in me began to fade. But my interest in her began to grow, and I realized that I actually liked her and cared about her a lot, so I decided to ask her out.

you want what you can’t have When I did, Janine was very rude to me and turned me down by saying that she would go out with me one day when she had the time. A few days later, she apologized and explained that she did like me and wanted to go out with me but was dealing with problems from the past and did not know what to do. As it turned out, she decided to get back together with her exboyfriend, and she started to treat me coldly. Annoyed by this, I decided not to go to her restaurant anymore. When I did eventually go back weeks later, her demeanor was completely different and it has been ever since. She’s been all over me, talking, flirting, etc. She also explained that she was off for five days and didn’t have anything to do since her boyfriend had to work. She seemed to mention him reluctantly. I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I like Janine (she’s stunning, by the way) a great deal, and she knows it too since I told her so. I also think that she still finds me attractive and knows that I care about her. I can tell from the look in her eyes that she does feel something for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Is she having second thoughts about her boyfriend and, therefore, lining me up should she decide to end it with him? Is she just playing mind games? Or does she feel pity for me and just wants to be friends? Should I spot the red flags here? I am not sure where I stand with Janine and how I should deal with her going forward, especially if I have such strong feelings for her. Kemp - who is scratching his head doc love's response Hi Kemp, When Janine came at you hard at the beginning, you should have asked her out anyway, even if you weren’t sure how you felt about her. You should have taken her to Starbucks, gotten her out of her normal environment and saw how you felt about her after one date. With her coming on to you that strongly, you should have at least given her that one shot and seen if there was something in her personality that you liked. Then you would have avoided all the mess that ensued afterward. But you didn’t. Of course Janine’s interest in you began to fade when you rejected her. Why should she dig you when you turned her down for a date? But then you changed your mind and decided you wanted to take her out. You’ve got a problem, Kemp. There’s something wrong with you. This girl backs off from you, and all of a sudden you see the light? When she rebuffed you she punctured your big ego. That’s what really happened. spot the red flags When Janine told you that she would go out with you when she had the time, you should have seen that she was an uptight woman — a big red flag. To you Psych majors, you don’t want to get involved with an uptight woman. Women turn guys down all the time, but when Janine got rejected, she threw a little tantrum and treated you like crap. When a woman — or anybody — acts rude to you, they are out forever.

Worse, when Janine let it drop that she was dealing with problems from the past, it meant she had scars and baggage. This girl has heavy mileage on her, and she’s a psycho. So why are you pursuing her? To boot, now there’s an ex-boyfriend in the picture. And she’s going back and forth with you like a yo-yo. There’s a boyfriend and inconsistent behavior on top of rudeness — another two reasons not to get involved with Janine. Do you really need any more? Then she reversed gears and draped herself all over you, chatting, flirting, etc. My friend, you sure have a short memory. Someone is surly to you, and you just forgive her like nothing ever happened? What is it with you? Like most men when it comes to women, you’re weak. And she hinted around that you should take her out since her boyfriend was working. In other words, she’s willing to be a sneak and run around behind his back and practice the virtue of loyalty! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one sounds like a real keeper!” she's inconsistent Kemp, you don’t know what to do because you haven’t memorized my program, which says when a woman is inconsistent, she’s out. Janine is stunning? Guy, you just got through telling me that you didn’t know if you liked her! So which is it? Hey, who doesn’t like a stunning girl? So you’re inconsistent too. But I’m glad you told her that you dug her so much. You’re a real Challenge, dude. Let me explain something to you, Kemp. Because you care for a girl doesn’t mean anything to her. This is one of the most basic rules of my philosophy. If you like a girl, it doesn’t raise her Interest Level. Challenge and Humor raise her Interest Level, not knowing how you feel about her. But you swear she feels something for you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “I think she’s got a Cadillac in her eye!” Or you think she might be lining you up in case she dumps her boyfriend, or she’s just playing mind games. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Guy, you better lay off the funny cigarettes that have no writing on them!” Janine doesn’t feel pity for you; she doesn’t feel anything for you, and she could care less about being your friend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just a guy who orders from her and over-tips her.” And that’s all you are. The only strong feelings that count here are Janine’s, not yours. Forget her, move on and get a hold of my program as soon as possible. And, oh, yeah, find another coffee shop. Remember, guys: When they run hot and cold, that's a red flag that should tell you to get out.

She's Moving Away Hey Doc, I’ve read your book a few times. It’s definitely an eye-opener.

I’m 37 and an engineer. I don’t know what to think of the situation I’m in. I met Aurora two months ago at a bookstore. I called her after five days. We spoke just a little on the phone, and then I quickly asked her to dinner. When I met her at the restaurant, I made sure I was clean and looking good, and had a positive attitude. Dinner was pleasant, and we laughed a little. I got to know more things about her, such as that she’s 29 and works in finance. She looked good that night, better than at the bookstore. I’d say she’s a solid 8 out of 10. I didn’t kiss her, though I could tell she wanted the night to continue. A week later I called her and asked if she wanted to go to a wine exhibition. She said she would be delighted to go. During the wine tasting and walking around, she got physically closer and sometimes lightly touched my arm. We were both hungry and decided to check out a new hip restaurant. This time I drove her home, walked her to her door and kissed her. She smiled like I’d just given her a gift. Fast-forward another four great dates. Now after every date, Aurora is kissing me and wants to kiss longer. She invited me to her place for dinner. After dinner, she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. Good, right? I said I was having fun spending time with her and agreed. After a make-out session, she told me she was leaving for Europe for a one-year term of work. Doc, Aurora never mentioned anything like that during the time we dated. My guess is that she didn’t want to screw up what she found in me. Anyway, I said, “How exactly can I be your boyfriend if you’re not here?” She said we could see each other every six weeks or so because she’ll be flying back. It seems like Aurora really wants to continue with me, but what should I do? Your book says no long-distance relationships. I like Aurora and want this to continue. Levi - who’s baffled by what happened doc love's response Hi Levi, It’s good that you talked just a little to Aurora on the telephone. You’re not supposed to talk a lot on the phone, so you got off to the right start here. Like a good salesman, you went straight for the close and asked her to dinner. And that’s what you’re supposed to do. Likewise, it’s excellent that you showed up to the restaurant looking your best. Lots of guys show up in jeans or worse to a first date, which is a no-no. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You don’t want to go courtin’ when you look like you just got through workin’ in the barn.” To you psych majors: You always want to overdress for the first date. But you don’t ask a girl if she wants to go out with you. You ask her if she can make it to taste some wine and have dinner. Then you tell her what time you’ll pick her up. That’s it. You take charge and give her no wiggle room. When Aurora sprang on you that she was decamping for a year to work in Europe, that’s when you should have said, “Since you’re going to be gone for a year, let’s put this thing on hold.” Think about it, Levi. This woman is going to take off for a year and ice your entire

dating life for that same amount of time. Look at what you’re giving up, pal. All of a sudden you’re supposed to sit home and do nothing? You’ve been out with this woman only five times. Now she wants to stop your love life for one whole year. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “What do you get out of it?” On the other hand, you shouldn’t be too hard on Aurora for the way this happened. Maybe she didn’t broach the subject of leaving because when you started dating, she didn’t know she would like you, and so there was no need to bring it up. Plus it was a heavy subject, so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. She’s offered to fly back every six weeks to see you. If you had been going with this woman for six or eight months, that would make a difference — in fact, it would make a lot of difference. But you’ve gone out with Aurora only a few times. You haven’t even gotten to 10 or 12 dates, so you basically don’t even know her. Getting to 10 or 12 dates with a babe is really the first plateau in a relationship, as you know from reading my book. You’re not anywhere near it yet. What should you do now? You have to tell Aurora “no thank you.” Tell her that when she gets back in a year and if you’re still available and she’s available, you will date. But in the meantime, too many things can happen. Aurora can meet a guy overseas who can get time in with her while you’re here twiddling your thumbs waiting for her. No, this isn’t a good deal at all for you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “You have to withdraw your offer.” Levi, this is why my program says no long-distance relationships. All the reasons are right here in your predicament. This woman would be tying up your life, and you don’t have enough time in with her to commit to this type of arrangement. If she wants to come by and see you every six weeks, that’s fine, but you’re going to date other women and not be her boyfriend. Remember, guys: If you don’t see her, you’ll never own her heart.

When To Break Up Hey Doc, I’m on my third reading of “The System” and am learning more about women and myself with every page I turn. I’m hoping you can coach me with the current problem I’m having with my girlfriend. I met Kim 21 months ago. I gauged her Interest Level in the high 90s. Around the one-year mark, she started to hint about a ring. I handled the request with humor and was successful in changing the subject. At this point, I already knew that I wanted to marry this girl, but also knew from “The System” that I would not propose until at least the two-year mark. no longer her priority We’ve both been under a lot of stress the last several months. Kim, who is 39, went back to school in an effort to change careers and has been overwhelmed. As a result, she has limited the time that we spend together. She has also started to be late and has canceled dates at the

last minute because she has too much work. I let her know that canceling plans at the last minute or being consistently late is not acceptable. At this point I feel that I’m not her priority, and it distresses me. One other big problem is that Kim is a single mom. She has a five-year-old son who spends a lot of time with us. I don’t mind having the little guy around when we go places. After all, if I’m going to marry Kim, I need to make sure that we are a good fit as a family. The problem is that for the last six months, he has come with us on almost every date. Kim says that she just cannot find a suitable babysitter. I can almost hear you saying, “If I gave her a million bucks, I bet she could find one!” This has caused more stress in our relationship, as Kim focuses all her attention on her son during these outings. I sometimes feel like a third wheel. Between Christmas and New Year’s, we had several fights. At one point Kim asked me to go with her to the wedding store to look at a dress. I thought that was great since she was coming toward me with another marriage suggestion. I tried to make light of the situation, telling her that I’m sure she has great taste in dresses and that shopping in wedding stores is probably something she should reserve for her most special girlfriend. She wound up crying and asking why I don’t want to marry her. I was looking forward to a relaxed, intimate New Year’s Eve together. Kim showed up late and with her son, since his father did not come to take him, which was what he was supposed to do. We finally got the kid to bed around 11:45 p.m. Kim came into the bedroom, and at midnight we celebrated with a toast and a kiss. At 12:05 a.m. she went back to her son’s room to check on him. While she was there she sent out a "Happy New Year!" text to all of her friends. When she came back to me the return texts started pouring in and she answered them. I snapped. I suggested that she go back and sleep with her son and “text your buddies all night.” She got up, took her son and went home. he's giving, but she's not taking For the past year, I’ve been helping Kim with her expenses. This has enabled her to go back to school. Her rent was due in a few days, and I wanted to get her check to her so it wouldn’t be late. But I did not want to call her since I thought it would be counter-Challenge. I put the check in a little bag outside her front door with a note. Two days later I got the check back with not even a word. We have not talked since, and it’s been three weeks. I don’t know where Kim is coming from. The silence is killing me. I love her and miss her terribly. So far I have resisted the temptation to call her. As you’ve said, “Sometimes you have to say no, even if it means that you’ll get kicked out of the house.” Can I get this relationship back on track? Is three weeks of silence too long? Should I break down and call Kim or wait for her to call me? I want to adhere to the rules of “The System,” but I’m confused, as my emotions are getting the best of me. Wim - who is starting to crack Hi Wim, First of all, this girl has to propose to you after the two-year mark. You’re not proposing to her under any circumstance.

You might have been a priority to Kim at one point, but the problem is that she’s not organized. Anytime a person switches careers, there is a lot of stress, and you have to be supportive of Kim during this process. But she clearly has no clue how to manage her time, which comes under the heading of “Scars And Baggage.” Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This woman has issues.” It’s not a matter of Kim having low Interest Level, so you shouldn’t take what happened personally. Having Kim’s son with you on every date is too much — way too much. You should have been going out alone with her and getting to know her. Again, it’s the same problem: She can’t find a suitable babysitter because she’s not together. And she cancels your dates because she’s not organized and doesn’t know how to manage her time properly. What’s happened here is not a matter of low Interest Level, buddy. I realize that you feel like a third wheel on account of Kim’s son, but again, don’t take it personally. Kim’s child and career come first, as they should. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She should be able to handle all facets of her life more efficiently.” I can understand why Kim cried after the wedding store incident. You were trying to be logical, and she was coming from an emotional place. You should have said to her, “Yeah, I’d be happy to go with you,” even though you might have been miserable shopping with her. The wedding dress was a big deal to her even if it wasn’t to you. But there are other problems here. Like Kim’s ex. He’s a deadbeat and not together either. Great. Nice family you’re dealing with, Wim! Sadly, when Kim’s kid grows up, he won’t have it together either. actions speak louder than texts Kim started answering all of her "New Year’s" texts because she’s thoughtless. She’s also inconsiderate, and her actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back, as the old saying goes. And what it told you was that you have to get out. Dude, why in the world were you giving Kim money? This is a huge mistake and something sure to lead to problems. To you Psych majors, you only give your wife money. Apparently you don’t see it, but this girl is a flake. And you’re reinforcing it. Are you sure you read my book three times? That said, you are so lucky Kim gave you your money back. This is the best thing that could have happened! Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, did she let you off the hook!” Never, ever contact this woman again, dude. She’s wacky, she’s disorganized and her ex-husband is a bum. You don’t seem to understand how lucky you were to get out of this mess. You know where Kim is coming from? She’s a nutcase. She’s not together. She’s broke. And she’s a drain on your wallet. She’s coming from all those places. So why would you want her? What’s the advantage to you? You might love and miss Kim terribly, but she sure doesn’t love and miss you terribly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In fact, she doesn’t even miss your money.” No, you can never get this relationship back on track. Three weeks’ worth of silence is too long. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This means she’s already in the arms of another guy.”

Should you wait for Kim? What would you be waiting for? You should be out hustling new phone numbers. This thing with Kim is dead, dead, dead. Wim, when you say that your emotions are getting the better of you, I have to say at least you’re an honest man. And you’ve done some right things here with Kim, but you have to recognize how fortunate you are. Kim is not a self-reliant woman, and that spells disaster. Remember, guys: If she can’t take care of herself, she’ll never be able to take care of you.

Signs Of Cheating Hey Doc, I’ve read some of your responses regarding infidelity. My situation seems quite different. I need some coaching. Alix and I have been together for two-and-a-half years. We were ecstatic to be dating. you let a female coworker sleep over Then I made a mistake. I was working on an office project and one of the members of the team was a female. This woman knew I was in a relationship and there was nothing between us. Well, one night, when we were working on the project and we were on a roll, we went to my apartment and continued to work and had a few beers. I was so caught up in what we were doing that I forgot to check my cell phone, which I had turned off. Because we had to get up early and present our findings and we’d had a couple of drinks, I didn’t want this female coworker to drive, so I gave her the pull-out bed and went to my bed, and we went to sleep. We woke up early, gathered our things and headed out to our cars. your girlfriend can't trust you Waiting outside my apartment was Alix. She saw me and my coworker leaving, and she made her assumptions. Doc, I made a mistake, but I was faithful to Alix. Not so much as a thought of infidelity crossed my mind. Alix did not believe me. No matter what I said or did, it was impossible to convince her of the truth. She was so sure that I slept with that woman that we ended up breaking up. I knew that there was no way I was going to change Alix’s mind. She deleted me from her life. I thought that I would never hear from her again, but a week or so later, she called. She said that she still felt so strongly about the love that we had that she wanted to keep talking. Maybe we could see each other on a casual basis every now and again and see if she could look at me and not hate me. I don’t know what’s going to happen or if this arrangement is going to work out. Doc, is there anything I can do to convince Alix that we belong together and that she can trust me? Your insight would be greatly appreciated. Zeke - who can’t believe he blew it doc love’s response Hi Zeke,

You took some woman who was not your girlfriend to your apartment and had a few beers with her? Well, right there is your problem, man. This was exactly where you screwed up. It was a massive mistake to do this, because if Alix happened to stop by and saw you with this other woman and smelled the beer on your breath, you were dead in the water. Which is pretty much what happened, right? You never should have brought this coworker to your home. To you Psych majors, keep your business life and your private life separate. You drank alcohol with this other woman whom you happen to work with. That’s not keeping your personal life and your business life separate. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That’s muddyin’ the waters, boy.” you didn't put your girlfriend first When you let this other woman crash at your place, you should have called Alix immediately and explained the situation to her: that you and your coworker finished a project and that you didn’t want her to drive home since it was late. Then you should have told Alix that you were going to pull out the spare bed and let your coworker sleep on it. If Alix went berserk on you, you should have gone straight to the phone and called a taxi to take this other woman home. But the fact remains that you should never have brought this other woman to your house and drank beer with her in the first place. Of course Alix made her assumptions about what happened. How could she not? That's a total sign of cheating. Reverse the situation, Zeke. What if you were in front of Alix’s apartment and she came slinking out in the morning with some other dude? What would you think? And if she told you, “Oh, we just spent the night pounding down a few beers, and I didn’t want the poor guy to drive home,” wouldn’t you be just a little bent out of shape? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you heard a story like that, you’d laugh your head off!” you cheated Let me correct you about something, pal. You maintain that you were faithful to Alix. But you weren’t. You brought another woman home and spent the night boozing with her. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You sure you got any work done, dawg?” Infidelity might not have crossed your mind, but you sure forgot about common sense. And Alix didn’t believe you. But why should she believe you? You didn’t break up with Alix, guy. She dropped you. That’s what really happened. And she dropped you because you cheated on her with another woman, whether or not you think you did. The problem with Alix’s proposal to see you on a limited basis is that every time there’s any problem between the two of you, she’s going to bring up what happened that night between you and your coworker — for the rest of your life. She’s going to hold it over you because you are not trustworthy. If you were trustworthy, you would never have brought that woman to your home and guzzled the suds with her, much less let her sleep a few feet away. What were you thinking, Zeke? I can tell you don’t have my book! No, there’s nothing you can do to convince Alix of anything now. She will never trust you again after you showed signs of cheating. As far as seeing each other a little is concerned, you’re wasting your time. Remember, guys: Once a woman loses trust in you, you’re out forever.

Dating Young Women Hey Doc, First of all, let me congratulate you on your column. I’ve become your fan from reading it for so long. Here’s my problem: I volunteer my time at a nonprofit organization. Recently, a co-volunteer, Valerie, started showing a lot of interest in me. I didn’t know how to react to it. I like Valerie, but my first thought was that the age gap was (and still is) quite big: I’m 32 and she’s 18. So I did nothing about her interest and kept our interactions friendly and nothing more. how young is too young? One day at an organization party we started talking, and suddenly Valerie managed to maneuver me somewhere that wasn’t so crowded, and she made her move. We kissed, and afterward I told her, “I don’t think this is right because I’m 32 and you’re 18.” She got upset at my reaction and argued that age doesn’t matter, that I look much younger than my age, and so on. So we decided to give it a go and started dating. Right now, I’m still with Valerie. She still lives with her mother (who thinks I’m 25). She cooks for me, and even paid once when we went out for dinner. Sometimes we stay at her house and just watch movies. My first priority is to get to know Valerie well (I’ve had some “crazy b*tch” experiences that left a mark) and then to see if her head matches with her body (in other words, if we can talk about something other than her ex-boyfriends or the local club). Doc, I feel that age is an issue (if not the issue). I know you’ve said not to get too serious with a girl between 18 and 22, and I agree. But it’s hard to put this to work because my dad is 13 years older than my mom (and they’ve been married for 30-something years), and my best friend is a 21-year-old girl I met when she was 17. Everyone, including Valerie’s friends, tells me to give it a go, see what happens and enjoy the ride. What do you think? Do you think this relationship is proper? I’ve never considered myself to be a “manther,” and I don’t want to be seen as one. One more thing: Does “The System” have a chapter on this? Lex - who is your troubled reader doc love’s response Hi Lex, I’m glad that you like my columns and find them helpful. But you will have get “The System” itself, which ties all of the columns together. And because it synthesizes all of my information, it’s indispensable for understanding my entire philosophy. Like the old saying goes, bits and pieces do not equal a whole. It was a big mistake to reprimand Valerie when you two kissed for the first time. You insulted the girl, Lex. You don’t tell a girl she’s too young or too old. In fact, like my cousin Sal “The

Fish” Love says, “You never tell a girl she’s too anything.” You just smile, and go right on kissing her. That’s what a smart guy would do. And you never should have lied to Valerie’s mom. Who did you think you were fooling? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Her mom knew you were older all the time.” she needs to grow up The fact that Valerie cooks for you and paid when you went out to dinner shows that she’s a Giver. This is a wonderful trait, but she’s much too young for you in terms of life experience. If she were 24, 25 or 26 there would be hope for the two of you, because she would know something about herself and life. But she still has to go through the ages of 19, 20 and 21, which are the years when people first start to figure out which end is up and which is down. In other words, she’s still got a lot of growing up to do. And that’s not a good thing for you. That said, it’s smart that you’re trying to get to know Valerie before taking the plunge with her. And you hit it right on the head there, pal: You have to find out what’s between her ears. Maybe you’ll make the lucky discovery that you have a girl you can date for four years, and she won’t be flaking out on you over something every other day. But I doubt it, because the odds are against it — and I’m an odds-maker. Your mom and dad are one of the rare cases where a big age difference has not mattered in the relationship. But you can’t rely on the rare cases as an indication of what is likely to happen. You have to look at the majority of cases. And if you do, you’ll see that you’re not going to have this girl when she’s 23. Between the ages of 18 and 23 Valerie has so much maturing to do that you’ll be lucky if you can get through one year with her. Because, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “At the age of 18, a girl falls in and out of love every five minutes.” As far as your best friend is concerned, a friendship is not the same as a romantic relationship, so you can’t make a valid comparison between the two. solution: date multiple women What do I think you should do? If you’re smart, you’ll date this girl and date other girls at the same time. And, most importantly, you can’t allow your Interest Level in Valerie to get anywhere near the 80s! So keep your interest low, Lex. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Don’t lose control of yourself, dawg. You’re goin’ out with a little girl.” Yes, the relationship is proper, but the odds of it lasting are really, really horrible. And who cares what other people think? If this girl is good-looking, likes you and she’s of legal age, that’s all that counts. Like my cousin General Love says, “Just make sure you check her ID card, soldier.”

Save A Marriage Hey Doc, I’ve been in a relationship with Isabelle for seven years and have been married to her for twoand-a-half years. A year and a half ago, we had one of those arguments where at the end of it you don’t know if you want to be with that person anymore. While my gut instinct was to

leave the relationship, I decided to try to save the marriage because of everything that we had been through together.

falling out of love Months passed, and things seemed to get better. Meanwhile, I changed jobs (twice) and spent almost all of my time working in order to secure my position at the office. This last summer we finally had some financial stability and things calmed down a bit, but it became obvious to me that I did not feel the same way about my wife and that things weren’t going to change. About the time that I started to consider leaving the relationship, my wife became pregnant. I’ve been doing my best to take care of her and be supportive during this pregnancy, but it’s becoming all too clear that I don’t want to stay in the same household. I say this because I have spent two nights with another woman, and while that relationship isn’t going anywhere (an ex-boyfriend showed up one day, and I’m no fool), I am not going to avoid future liaisons with other women. I feel that I should stay in the relationship with my wife until the child is six months to a year old to show that I can be a responsible father and that I can take care of the child. I feel this is important for when there is a divorce and child custody comes into question. I want to be part of my son’s life, to see him daily and take care of his needs, even if it means that during this time I’m not going to be a good husband. I suppose my question is, am I going about this the right way? What are your thoughts? Do you have any suggestions on how to save a marriage? Yaz - who has heavy decisions to make

doc love’s response Hi Yaz, When you argue with a woman, it does nothing whatsoever but lower Interest Level in both people — you and her. And that’s really sad, because rather than sit down and talk things out calmly, the volume rises in the voices, then it turns into screaming, and the entire situation deteriorates. Like my cousin General Love says, “Very few people know how to sit down and negotiate.” Only 10% of all American families know how to work things out properly. The rest of them holler and yell, and when that happens, the man withdraws. Like I said, this is very sad.

giving up on your marriage Let me ask you a question, Yaz. Are you trying to make this relationship work? Are you giving your wife affection and romance? Are you taking her out once a week? Or are you nothing more than a male roommate to this woman? What have you tried to do to save this marriage?

Now, let me get this straight. You fight with your wife all the time, but she happens to get pregnant in the middle of all this warfare? Wow, you sure found time for lovemaking, didn’t you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I’m surprised you didn’t ask her how she got pregnant.” And at the same time, you found the time to cheat on her with a babe whose ex-boyfriend is around. Great! At least your life isn’t a mess. When you should be working on saving your marriage with your wife, especially since she’s pregnant, you’re out messing around with some ding-dong. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “All this does is muddy the waters, boy.” But I shouldn’t jump to any conclusions, right? Because you have a plan, Yaz. You’re going to get a divorce from Isabelle after six months with your child. Let me ask you this: How is it going to make you a responsible father when you split from your baby after six months? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Whose system of logic are you following, my son?”

plan for the future Guy, you have to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your kid. You’re being incredibly selfish here. Secondly, you have to try and put the relationship with Isabelle back together by getting “The System” as soon as possible and studying and following the maintenance program, no matter how tough it is. Dude, you have to force yourself to try and be a good husband. You have to tough this thing out and learn how to save a marriage. You have a commitment with Isabelle, who happens to be your wife. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “What happened to ‘for better or worse,’ dawg?” Remember those words that you said to the preacher, Yaz? The consequence of letting your relationship with your wife fall apart is that you’re not going to be able to be a good father to your child when you’re living in another house, another town or state. Again, where’s your logic? Here are my suggestions. Get my program ASAP and start dating your wife and do your best to be nice to her on account of your child. That’s what you have to do. You have to forget your own needs for a change. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Once you have a kid, your needs go out the window.” If your wife weren’t pregnant, things would be different. You could walk away from this relationship with Isabelle with a clear conscience. But that’s not the case. Everything in your life now has to be geared to your child instead of to you, and that means no messing around with women who aren’t your lawfully wedded spouse. Remember, guys: Adultery never saves a marriage in trouble.

She Has A Child Hey Doc, I love your work. You’re the man! I’ve got a real problem here. I’ve been in a serious relationship with Jenni for seven months. She’s 33 and I’m 23. She’s a great girl and always does things like brings me little gifts. She always tells me she misses me, and I know she really loves me. Her interest in me is very

high, with no ulterior motives. I know this for a fact because I am very challenging and don’t text or give her stuff half as much as she gives me. Our age difference isn’t a problem, but she has a five-year-old son, and it’s been really hard on me. Since I’m so much younger, dating a woman with a kid is not an ideal scenario at all. Aside from that, I could not ask for a better woman. But it hurts me that she has a child with another man. They weren’t married, by the way. She has no interest in the guy at all, but he’s still in the child’s life, though his involvement is minimal and he pays no child support. She does not talk to or see this guy unless it’s for arrangements to pick up or drop the kid off. It just hurts me that she would have this guy’s kid when she could have waited to have kids with someone she loved. I feel resentment toward her for it and feel it was selfish and irresponsible of her. So now I’m stuck trying to build a relationship with someone who can’t put me at the top of her priority list. Like I said, she’s a great girl, and she does her best to keep me happy. She spends every night with me, and she spends most of her free time with me. I really care about her a lot, but I can’t decide if this situation is just too much for me. I’m in dire need of your coaching, Doc, and I always hold your unbiased opinion very highly. Sandor - whose head is a mess doc love's response Hi Sandor, When you tell me all the great things Jenni does for you, I have to say that she sounds wonderful. She’s a Giver, she’s thoughtful, she’s considerate, and she’s sweet. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “With all of those remarkable qualities, what’s not to like?” Guy, looks like you’ve got a good one here — so far. But you say the arrangement, which means the inclusion of Jenni’s kid, has been really hard an you. I’m sure it has. And the truth of the matter is that you have what we call a “package deal” here. You don’t just get Jenni. You get Jenni and her five-year-old son. Dude, that’s the reality of the situation. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If it bothers you now, it’s only going to get worse later.” Keep that in mind. The roughest stretch still lies ahead. So of course this is not an ideal scenario, as you astutely point out. How could it be? You feel like you’re closer in age to the kid than to Jenni, even though that’s not the case in reality. To you Psych majors, to take on a woman and her child and love the kid as yours takes a really mature person as well as a Good Samaritan. You have to decide, before you get in too deep, whether you are this type of person. But you’ve got another problem as well. Jenni allows her ex to come over and see their kid, but she doesn’t hold him to paying his share of child support. Like my cousin Fat Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This guy’s nothing but a no-good bum.” Furthermore, Jenni had this child out of wedlock, as you point out, which says something about her character. The question is, does it say something good about her character or does it say something opposite? And here’s something else you should keep in mind: Jenni’s worthless ex is going to come and pick up their kid for the next 13 years. You have to be prepared to deal with his presence all that time.

You make an excellent observation that Jenni could have waited to have kids with someone she loved or at least someone who isn’t as sleazy as her ex. You’re an idealist, Sandor, which is an admirable trait, and I’m not putting you down for that. But the reality is that Jenni went to bed with this bum, had a child by this bum, and the bum doesn’t give her a penny to help support their offspring. And she puts up with this? This girl’s a mess, Sandor. It was selfish and irresponsible of Jenni to have this child out of wedlock. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She was sloppy, dawg.” You have this situation figured out correctly, my friend. Sandor, you can’t be on the top of Jenni’s priority list. Her kid should come first because he is in fact more important than you. But it’s a different kind of love. She loves her kid, but she’s in love with you. You have to decide whether that’s something else you can live with. That said, the feeling I get from your letter is that this situation is a deal breaker for you. Again, you Psych majors: When you get involved in a relationship like this, you must know thyself. And the way you’re built, Sandor, you’re never going to be able to accept this little boy, even if you like him, because he came from another man. From what you’re telling me, this situation is too much for you. Remember, guys: if you can’t accept that she has a child, find another woman.

Doc Love: She's Not Interested Hi Doc, I’ve been reading your column for a while now and I’m a big fan.I still don't have "The System." I met Diana through an online dating site. I felt an instant click with her. She’s 35, really attractive, down to earth, and we had a good time together. We dated for three months, and it just ended a few days ago. The biggest problem was that she works in another city and commutes there during the week. Not a huge deal, though since I go to work at 4 a.m., I have to go to sleep at 7:30 at night during the week. So I basically saw her on weekends, usually for only one night, though, because she wanted to spend time with family and friends, too. I just figured eventually I would be incorporated into that stuff if it went well. In the dark Another problem was that I’d introduced Diana to all of my friends, but I’d never met any of hers. She also wouldn’t spend the night at my place, seemingly because she was afraid of her conservative father. I felt like there was this wall she’d put up, and I wasn’t really being let into her life. On our last date, we went to a nice restaurant, then I took her to an arcade to play skeeball. We had a great time. Afterward, we went back to my place and started getting romantic. During a pause, I said, “So, we’ve been dating for three months now, and I don’t feel like I have any idea what’s going on in your head.” She said that she’d wanted to talk to me about it, but was reluctant to bring it up. She said that she liked me, she liked spending time with me, she’s definitely attracted to me, but she wasn’t sure that she saw being with me in the long term. She said she doesn’t know if her feelings will change if she keeps seeing me, and

she doesn’t think it’s fair to me to string me along while she tries to figure it out. She told me that she’d talked to her friends at length about me the previous weekend. They think that she has commitment issues. Apparently I’m not the first guy she’s had this problem with. The big no-no I finally gave in and told her I loved her. I felt like if I didn’t, I’d regret it. She started crying at that point and I cried too. Then she finally left. Last night, after a bottle of wine, I wrote Diana a long e-mail saying everything that I’d wanted to say that last night but didn’t. I’m not sure if it was a good idea or not, but it’s done. I want to keep seeing her, of course. Maybe her feelings will change. I have a feeling from reading your column though I was asking too much and that they probably won’t. Now I feel totally empty and miserable. I feel like if Diana would let me into her life more, maybe things would be different. Should I never talk to her again? Should I give her some time and call her in a couple weeks? Momo - who feels powerless Doc love's response Hi Momo, It’s a huge deal that Diana works in another city, because what it means is that you’re really involved in a variation of the long-distance relationship, which never works. Just how much time does Diana want to spend with her family and friends? In the first place, you really shouldn’t be seeing her only on weekends during the first four or five weeks because you’re breaking my rules. You should only be seeing her Sunday through Thursday. And after ninety-plus days, she should want to see you more and more and be all over you — if she was really hot on you — instead of her family and friends. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Heck, she can see them anytime.” It was a huge mistake to introduce Diana to all of your friends. You should have met her friends first. That would have been a sign of how much she liked you. And you don’t drive Interest Level up by having your lady meet all of your buddies and pals. Gosh, Momo, you made blunders all over the place! Trust your gut It could be legit that Diana’s afraid of her father, but she could also be using him as an excuse to stay away from you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “At the age of 35, I’d lean towards the latter.” The fact that you feel that Diana is not letting you into her life is probably the best point you make here. Even though you don’t have my book, your gut is telling you that something’s not right. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Your guardian angel is talkin’ right in your ear, bro.” Something is awry here. But you didn’t listen to your guardian angel because you don’t have “The System.”

If you knew what was going on between Diana’s ears, you wouldn’t be asking her what was going on in her head. So the fact that you don’t ever know what she’s thinking proves that she has low Interest Level in you. She knows what she wants All women are reluctant to tell you that they aren’t interested in you — that’s no big deal. If she doesn’t see being with you in the long term, then what Diana said about being attracted to you and so forth doesn’t make a lick of sense. She’s contradicting herself here. When she says she doesn’t know if her feelings are going to change if she keeps seeing you, it means they’re not going to go up, for sure. After 90 days, her Interest Level should be in the 90s, dude. The only honest thing Diana said to you in this relationship is that she didn’t feel that she should be stringing you along while she tried to figure herself out. Diana’s friends are dead wrong about what’s ailing her. She doesn’t have commitment issues. She has low interest level. To you Psych majors, 95% Interest Level trumps commitment issues. Unless, of course, the woman is a full-blown psycho case. After all this, you went and told Diana you loved her? Why are you begging, guy? Not to mention that you’re giving away the store and you’re totally anti-Challenge. You never tell a babe you love her. She should tell you that! Two more big mistakes! Don't embarrass yourself When you revealed that you loved Diana, you were already out and you knew it and were grabbing at straws. Like my cousin General Love says, “Rather than be tough like a Spartan warrior in the movie 300, you took a dive.” Then you cried when she cried. Well, I have to say that’s very manly! Did you weep on your shield and spear? But that wasn’t enough abject humiliation for you. You went and wrote her a long love letter, pouring out your heart. In other words, you did even more begging. It wasn’t a good idea to write that email, Momo; it was a horrible idea! You don’t beg a girl whose Interest Level is below 50% to love you. Of course you want to keep seeing Diana. But it’s not what you want that matters, it’s what she wants. Sure, maybe her feelings about you will change. And maybe you’ll get jumped by a mountain lion on your way home from work today. You’re feeling empty and miserable because your Interest Level is somewhere between 85% and 90% and you really dig Diana, which is understandable. But you never considered her Interest Level because you don’t have my book. If you’d read it, you’d have known that the woman’s Interest Level is the number-one factor in the relationship — always. Cut your losses My friend, I don’t think this babe ever had high interest in you. Her interest was at best always mediocre. That’s why she wanted to spend time with her parents rather than with you. Forget about getting into Diana’s life now. You’re never getting into it because she has low Interest Level. Not talking to her again would be too often. And if I were you, I’d wait two or three hundred years before calling her.

Remember, guys: If your gut is telling you that she doesn’t like you, you’d better listen.

She Broke Up With Me Hey Doc, Dawn and I were together almost a year. I’m 32, and she just turned 31. We began talking marriage about five months in. It was an organic thing, and the level of passion was the same on both sides. She told me her previous history consisted of only two relationships that lasted as long as a year and that most of the time she dumped guys shortly after they started to annoy her. She sat her parents down and told them I was "The One" and explained that I was different from all the guys she’d dated before. Two weeks shy of our first anniversary, Dawn broke up with me. She said she didn’t feel like she could love me the way I need to be loved. I told her that I’ve never felt neglected by her or that I wasn’t getting from her what I needed. She said that when I give her compliments, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she had woken up that week with a funny feeling that something didn’t seem right. She said that she couldn’t get married right now. She said that she always does this, that she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year. I said it sounded like fear, that marriage scares me too at times, but that I’m more afraid of a future without her. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did. She said I’m everything she ever wanted in a man but that she can’t be in a relationship right now. I felt blindsided, because five days before she broke up with me, she made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. A few weeks before, she emailed me suggestions for wedding venues. Looking back at the final month, I could see small signs that she was beginning to detach, but it seemed harmless at the time. Dawn’s very religious, and she made a weird comment a month before the breakup about how she wanted to be in heaven. I was really taken back and asked her, “What about the rest of our lives together? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die?” And she replied, “Don’t worry. I’m not suicidal or anything. I’d just rather be there now.” Doc, this seems like commitment phobia to me. I’m agonizing over what I could have done differently. Was I too needy? Did I not give her enough space? Did I not pay her enough attention? All I can come back to is that the feedback I got throughout the time we were together was, “I love you and I want to marry you,” and Dawn never came to me with problems or gave me an opportunity to fix them. We never really argued because we’re both laid-back personalities. Doc, in your opinion, what happened? Brody - who feels like he’s in hell doc love's response Hi Brody, Well, your first problem is that you started talking marriage WAY too soon. You don’t talk marriage with a woman after only five months. She can talk marriage after five months, but you shouldn’t. You’re not supposed to be talking marriage until you’ve got two full years in with a babe. Dude, you don’t even know this woman. So how can you talk marriage with her?

One other thing: I couldn’t care less about the level of passion on your side. I only care about the level of passion on HER side. You’re talking about Dawn, so it’s a given that you like her. But how does she really feel about you? Dawn got rid of her other boyfriends because she can only last a year with a guy and she’s just passing through. In other words, she’s a DRIFTER. It was a good sign that she built you up to her parents, but still, it was much too soon in the relationship for that to happen. If Dawn broke up your relationship out of the blue, it means that you missed BIG RED FLAGS. You might never have felt neglected before, but Brody, you sure as heck must feel neglected now — because she’s getting rid of you! Now, if when you compliment her Dawn doesn’t feel worthy, she’s a space cadet. She’s off in la-la land. But when she says that she woke up with the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, it means her Interest Level just dropped from 51% to 49%. When she said she couldn’t get married right now, that just means she’s not going to marry you — ever. In her defense, Dawn gets rid of guys because she’s sick and tired of them doing everything wrong. The first two guys didn’t have “The System” and you don’t have it either, and so all three of you were doing nothing but making mistakes all over the place. So even if she’s a bit wacky, what else would you expect her to do? You might be scared of a future without Dawn, but she’s scared of being married to someone she’s not interested in. One of my favorite bits of Womanese from females is that they “can’t be in a relationship right now.” And you guys just swallow it hook, line and sinker! And of course she led you right to the trough and then boom — you were out. That’s what women do when they decide they’ve had enough of you. The most important point in your entire letter is when you say you picked up “small signs that she was beginning to detach.” At that juncture, you should have backed off. But, no, you’d already met the parents and blabbed your guts out about your feelings and marriage. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There was no wiggle room left for you, and then you were finished.” So, Dawn wishes she could be in heaven? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she had 95% interest level in you, she’d feel like she was in Heaven already.” The reason Dawn wants to be in heaven, my friend, is because she doesn’t want to be with you. Don’t you get it? Instead, you think Dawn has commitment phobia. Brody, you’re the typical clueless guy. It’s always a matter of fear or hang-ups or problems on the lady’s part. You can never own up to what the problem really is: that she has low Interest Level in you. What should you have done differently? Well, for starters, you should have had my program, then none of this would have happened. You could have told Dawn “no” when she wanted to introduce you to her parents. You could have told her “no” when she wanted to talk about marriage. Then you wouldn’t have been like the other two turkeys she got rid of. Yes, you were too needy and you didn’t give her enough space and you paid too much attention to her — all huge blunders you could have avoided by abiding by the rules of “The System.”

Dawn, on the other hand, has only has one problem — she needs a psychiatrist and can’t afford one. By the way, to you Psych majors, some women don’t argue. They just say to themselves, “I’m out of here,” and then you’re history before you know what hit you. What happened here? Guy, you weren’t a challenge at all. You were way too available. You met the parents too soon. You said "I love you" way too much. You talked about marriage much too soon. Other than that, you did everything right. Remember, guys: Don’t rationalize red flags.

She's Married Hey Doc, I started going to college recently and noticed Adrienne, who is 25. She held doors for me, showed me around and gazed into my eyes adoringly when I talked. I could tell that she liked me. We soon got to know each other and started sitting next to each other in class. While we had mostly good conversations, she sometimes ran hot and cold, which was frustrating. When I ignored her, she would always try to get my attention and remind me that she was there. Since I’ve always gotten my heart broken over girls I’ve had crushes on, I tried to guard against falling for Adrienne, but since I’ve never had so many signals from any girl, I’ve continued to pursue her. Now, here’s the problem: She’s married. I didn’t know this when I met her. I don’t what it is with me. I always seem to go for the ones who are already taken. But they seem to like me more than their significant others, and I can’t help the way I feel about Adrienne. I’m trying to get over her, but it’s hard when I see her every day of the week. When we talk and look at each other, I can tell there is chemistry between us. I have the feeling that Adrienne feels conflicted over all of this. Now I’ve discovered that she is pregnant, which of course compounds everything. Doc, while Adrienne runs hot and cold, she does still initiate conversations with me and confides many things to me in a way that only a girl who cared about a guy would. I find myself very confused as I try to decipher her body language, but she does all of the things that a girl with high Interest Level would do. This is not a lust thing; it’s something more. I like Adrienne’s personality. We have a lot in common, and I admire her independence. She has almost every quality you would want in a woman. Part of me wants to be friends with Adrienne so that maybe one day if things don’t work out with her marriage, we could get together. But I just don’t know how to deal with this. I figure that something is there since she still seems to be interested in me, even though she’s married and pregnant. Anything you can to do coach me would be greatly appreciated. Milton - who feels like he’s losing his mind doc love's response Hi Milton,

Here’s the good news: Adrienne is coming at you. Now for the bad: Adrienne is inconsistent in her behavior and her feelings. By your own admission, she runs hot and cold. This is a huge red flag. Why does she run hot and cold? I must compliment you for noticing this big red flag, though. Most guys would just rationalize her flakey behavior and say, “No big deal.” But you’re bringing it up, which is smart. It shows that you’re thinking. The question is: What are you going to do about it? Of course Adrienne wants to remind you that she’s there when you ignore her. That’s because you used the all-important technique of challenge. All women respond to it. Adrienne might be sending you the most signals you’ve ever gotten from a woman, but you have to remember to go in slowly and keep your eyes wide open at all times. But, guy, she's married. So even if she drapes herself over you like a blanket, she’s off-limits. To you Psych majors, when you meet a woman, there can be no husbands or boyfriends involved with her because that means she’s unavailable. This should be a very simple concept to grasp. And if she’s married, it means you’re out already. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s married, you were out before you started.” So, Milton, all of this getting wound-up over Adrienne has been nothing but a big waste of time. You could have been out hustling other phone numbers in the time you wasted mooning over this married woman. Now, let me ask you this. Wasn’t Adrienne wearing a wedding ring? She was coming on to you all the time, and she never once brought up her husband? Why were you stunned when you found out she was hitched? Didn’t she give you any warning about her situation? I have to enlighten you on something. Married babes don’t like you more than their significant others. Here’s how you can tell: Because they didn’t leave their significant others for you! What these women are really doing is playing with you and their significant others. And they’re misleading both you. And the married women aren’t confused — it’s the significant others and you who are confused! You say that you’re helpless about the way you feel about Adrienne. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You’d better get a grip, dawg.” You better start helping the way you feel about her because she’s not available. She’s off-limits. She’s married, pal. And you swear that you and Adrienne have chemistry. Tell you what. Try asking her to set you up with her girlfriends, and you’ll see how strong that chemistry is. It will disappear before your very eyes, my friend. Adrienne isn’t conflicted at all over your love for her. She’s enjoying this whole drama tremendously. She’s got not one but two turkeys to play with — and who knows how many others. But you maintain that her pregnancy is compounding your problems. Milton, everything was already compounded by the fact that she's married, don’t you get it? Now she’s pregnant, and she flirts with you and who knows who else. Gee, this girl has a lot of character! She just epitomizes loyalty and trust, don’t you think? She’s a real keeper, Milton! Again, you bring up that Adrienne runs hot and cold. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When she runs hot and cold, it means she doesn’t care about you.” Especially when

she’s pregnant — hopefully by her husband. She might do all the things a girl with high interest would do, but she’s still not available because she’s married! This might not be a lust thing for you, but it’s a lust thing for Adrienne. You might admire all of her qualities, but do you admire her trustworthiness? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Do you think that if you two got together she would be able to teach your daughters about the commandments ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’ or ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery?’” I’m sure Adrienne has every quality you would want in a woman. My favorite quality in a woman is disloyalty. And it sounds like she has that one in spades! But despite all that, you want to wait for something to go wrong with her marriage so you can take Adrienne for yourself. Great! She’s going to stay married to her husband, have his kid, and you’ll go on flirting with her. And at the end of four years, she’s going to tell you that she’s staying with her husband, and you just wasted four years of your life. That sounds like a great plan to me! Remember, guys: When she’s married, she’s off-limits.

Why She Lost Interest Hi Doc, I love your columns. I’ve been hip to “The System” for a few years now (full disclosure: a friend let me read his copy). I’ve had great success with meeting women since I was turned on to it, and while I haven’t met “the one,” at least I’m equipped to know when a girl isn’t! Usually, anyway. I met Savina on Facebook, and we had a date the next day. We hit it off way more than I ever expected, hung out a few more times throughout the week, and each time it was plain that her Interest Level was rising. She drove with me to Washington, D.C. (I’m moving there soon) to look at apartments. We had a blast checking out the city. Her Interest Level had risen into the high 80s. She literally could not get enough of me. I never discussed becoming a monogamous couple or engaging in a committed long-distance relationship after I moved, but I did make a point to let Savina know that I liked the way things were going and that I would be interested in seeing how things went after I moved. When I dropped her off after the trip, we made tentative plans to go out on Friday. Come Thursday, it was like she disappeared. I texted her, and she didn’t respond, and the same thing happened Friday. I have a personal rule not to contact a girl more than twice without a response, so on Saturday I sent her a message that said, “Hey, no hard feelings, but in the future, if you don’t want to talk to or see a guy anymore, just say so,” and kind of wrote her off. She responded with “You’re right. I should have said something. But I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t know what I want right now. You’re wonderful, but I’m emotionally screwed up. I just think you need to be with someone a little more put together than I am.”

Now, clearly there is a lot of Womanese going on here. It’s one thing if I go out with a girl a few times and she gives me the brush-off if things aren’t sizzling, but Savina and I got along incredibly well and things were very romantic. What I can’t reconcile is how her Interest Level could go from being sky-high to almost nothing overnight. I did nothing that could have provoked that. I get that there’s a chance that me moving away would give her pause when it comes to getting involved, but I made it clear that I neither expected her to commit fully nor that I intended to blow her off when I moved. I need coaching, Doc. I know that I should probably forget Savina, but she won me over until all this happened. What should I do? Kal - who’s baffled in the nation’s capital doc love's response Hi Kal, If you and your buddy are passing my book back and forth, it tells me that neither of you are memorizing it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Anybody who lends ‘The System’ out is stupid!” Dude, you have to get and keep the book for yourself — it’s the only way you can reap the program’s full benefits. Plus, by not buying it yourself you didn’t get my CDs! How can you meet Savina and have a date with her the very next day? You should have gotten her number, waited a week and then called her. You don’t call someone as soon as you make contact with her and set up a date for the next 24 hours. Where’s the breathing space between the two of you? Jumping on a babe so quickly makes you look desperate. It follows that you don’t go out with a girl a bunch of times the very first week you meet her. In the first 10 or 12 weeks you’re only supposed to see the girl once a week. Are you sure you borrowed the right book from your friend? Because from what you did with Savina, you certainly weren’t going by my program! And something else: You don’t “hang out” with a girl; you date her. Now let me get this straight. You went to look for a place to live in another city and took Savina along? Kal, you spent way too much time with this girl who you don’t know from Eve! You’re seeing her during the week and you’re already taking road trips with her? She’s not even your girlfriend yet! To boot, you’re moving away from her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Where is this thing going?” Why in the world are you already making a point to Savina about how well things are going? Guy, you’re absolutely slaughtering Challenge here! What’s more, Savina’s going to evaluate the relationship according to her experience and Interest Level, not because you tell her that you think that everything is going great. Now I’m absolutely sure that you haven’t memorized “The System!” You don’t ask a girl out for Friday until she asks you why you’re not asking her out for Friday. This is another blunder you made. And you don’t make “tentative” plans — you make definite plans. Buddy, you’re not following anything in my book! This is why you don’t pass

it back and forth. You have to keep it near you all the time and read it at least 15 times so you know what the heck you’re doing! Kal, we don’t go by your personal rules; we go by what “The System” tells us to do. That said, it is okay to contact a girl twice and not again without a response. Unfortunately, it’s the only thing you’ve done right so far. You should have told Savina that you were writing her off by not contacting her. You tried to appeal to her sense of logic when she was already gone emotionally. After taking her on the road trip and seeing her all week long and setting up your Friday date, you shot your wad. You’re finished, pal. When Savina said that she didn’t know what she wanted right now, what she really meant was that she wants anybody but you. She’s not emotionally screwed up. What that phrase means is that her Interest Level is below 50%. And that means that you’re history. Like my cousin General Love says, “You had your shot, and you blew it.” You saw her too much, too soon, and you took that trip with her. Way, way too much. By the time she decided she’d had enough of you, there wasn’t an ounce of Challenge left — if there was any in the first place. You got along with Savina well, but only for a very short time. You should have been seeing her once a week MAX, but you crammed in four or five things with her in a week and a half. You were all over her; you were too available. She didn’t have to wonder where she stood with you, and she never had to wonder how many other women were chasing you. So you never gave her anything to chew on. Savina’s Interest Level went from sky-high to nothing overnight because it says in my book that if you had 10 years in with her, her Interest Level couldn’t drop that much overnight. But you had no foundation with Savina. You didn’t know her. You had no time in with her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you have no seniority with a babe, you can be out in five minutes.” My friend, you did all kinds of things to provoke this reaction from Savina. You saw her all the time. You called her all the time. You set tentative dates with her. You were hanging out versus dating. I can’t believe you ever even saw the cover of my book! And, again, you were making plans for the future. Why in the world were you laying all this stuff out? Why are you telling a girl you knew for a few days your entire game plan? You’re like a general telling another general how you’re going to attack him on the battlefield. What should you do? Get your own copy of “The System” because you don’t have a clue! Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my book, nothing will work.

Change For A Girl Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your columns and wonder if you could coach me with a relationship problem.

I’m in my 30s, decent looking and come from a traditional Indian cultural background. I’ve always had trouble getting girls. I’ve always put them on a pedestal and have always felt scared of approaching them. With everyone else, I’m fine. After college I kind of came out of my shell. What followed was an eight-year binge of dating different girls. Things culminated when I met Aamani online. She was only 22, funny, pretty, charming, smart, and affectionate. We spoke on the phone for three months, and all was good. Then we met in person. She was “disturbed” by my baldness, but was happy about “the rest of me.” After a few months of dating, she said she loved me (she said it first). She also said she couldn’t handle the “hair thing.” She asked me to get a hair transplant. Like a tool, I did this, although my baldness never bothered me before. Once I did this, Aamani was ready to get married, and we got engaged. She alternated between being sweet and nice one day, and being mean as hell the next three. Her modus operandi was to find something to be upset about and then become quietly angry for hours. I attributed this to her tough childhood, making her “hate men” (her words). By this time, I was very submissive. I didn’t want to ruin things. I married Aamani one year later. Things got worse. She constantly argued with me. She acted angry all the time. She even slapped me once. Eight months later, she left. I begged her to change her mind. She didn’t return my calls for weeks. Then I read one of your articles, and after that, I stopped begging her and the rest was handled by the lawyers. I never talked to Aamani again. I’m pretty broken up about it, although it was a year ago. I feel like an idiot for letting all this happen. Recently, I was on the other side of the country for a wedding. I immediately got attracted to a girl, Simone, sitting at my table. She wasn’t the prettiest, but for some crazy reason I liked her. She seemed innocent and not a bitch. I approached her, and we chatted for only five minutes. Two weeks later, I can’t stop thinking about her and have already caught myself fantasizing about getting married to her. Is it wrong to want to get in contact with Simone to try and create a relationship? Am I just repeating past mistakes? How do I change myself? Shahid - who doesn’t know how to begin to change Doc Love's Response Hi Shahid, First of all, let me ask you a question. Why would you put someone you don’t know on a pedestal? You don’t know any of these women, and you don’t know their backgrounds. So why would you pull a Charlie Sheen and turn them into goddesses? Secondly, and most importantly, the reason you’re scared is because you don’t have my book. You say you read my columns, but why don’t you own my book? “The System” will give you product knowledge. To you Psych majors, when you are dealing with anything, from computers to jet planes to women, if you understand them, you won’t be afraid of them. Now, on to Aamani. Why in the world were you talking on the phone with her for three months? You’re supposed to talk to a woman on the phone once to ask her out to Starbucks for coffee — that’s all. You gave away your personality without passing the all-important physical attraction test, dude.

But finally you got together with Aamani. When she said she was disturbed by your baldness, right then and there you should have walked. Shahid, you flunked the physical-attraction test, and that meant you were finished. When she said she couldn’t handle the hair thing, it meant she wasn’t in love with you and that you were out right away. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’s a 22-year-old ding-dong!” But you went along with it because you haven’t memorized my materials. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Shahid, you should only get a hair transplant because you want it, not because some dizzy girl tells you to get one. All your capitulation did was show Aamani that she could manipulate you, that you have no backbone and that she’d never have to respect you because you’re a wimp. The biggest mistake of your life was getting engaged to this woman. If she was mean as hell for three days out of every four, why did you stay with her? Why would you stay with someone who disrespects you and is nasty as a witch? I’ll tell you why: Because you don’t like yourself. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some men don’t think they’re worthy of anything better.” But you went much, much further. Aamani told you up front that she hated men, and you went and married her. What would possess you? And let me straighten you out on something here. You ruined everything because you were submissive, not the other way around. And, in case you didn’t notice, everything was already ruined the minute she told you she hated men — and by deduction, you! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Is it any wonder things got worse when you got hitched?” Shahid, the real reason you should feel like an idiot is for not purchasing “The System.” By your own admission, after you read a couple of my columns you saw the light. So why would you not go all the way and fix yourself up by buying my book? Now, let me get this straight, pal. After paying off all your lawyers, you’re fantasizing about marrying a girl you talked to for only five minutes? Do you realize how outlandish that statement is? Do you realize how out of sync with reality you are when you say something like that? I can tell by your letter that you’re an intelligent person, but you are run strictly by your emotions. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Therefore, you will repeat the hell you went through in your marriage with the next girl.” In fact, your future with women will be a mess until you invest in my book and straighten yourself out. Of course it’s wrong to get in touch with Simone and try to create a relationship, because you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s all a waste of time, guy. As they say in the sales field, “You’re just burning a good lead.” The only way for you to change yourself is to get “The System” and memorize it. Otherwise you are condemned to repeat all of your blunders. Do you really want to suffer like that again? Remember, guys: When you understand women, they won’t intimidate you.

She Won't Ask Me Out Hey Doc, I’ve read your articles for several months and purchased your book a month ago. I think it’s interesting that your research has found that most guys never get past the first date. I never have this problem. Some things I have been doing for years are part of "The System," and I didn’t even know it. I have learned a great deal more that I was doing wrong as well from your book, though. My question is about the girl I’m dating, Lynda. She and I are in law school. I got her number at a party, waited until the following week to call, and asked her out for the following Friday.This is outside the rules, I know, but law school requires hours of work Sunday through Thursday nights. Friday and Saturday are the only real options under these circumstances. The date went great; I stayed off heavy topics and had Lynda laughing through the whole date. I called her several days later and set up another date. We went to a school function and had a great time. I spent the night at her place, which I know was a lack of control. I saw several red flags during these two dates. Lynda said she doesn’t think a woman should ever have to pay for her own drink at a bar and that her ex-boyfriend knew he could never give her the ring she deserved. She has been proposed to twice and turned both down, yet she told me all about those relationships, including that one was especially good at romance. She told me about psychological and physical abuse at the hands of her mother. She has made numerous comments about her body and looks, and is overly obsessive about looking good. A couple of days after the second date, I made the mistake of asking Lynda out for the following night. She advised me that she had plans. I later asked her out for the weekend, and she said she had to go out of town. I’m not rationalizing, since she did go out of town on the weekend, and I shouldn’t have expected her to be free with not much notice. But here’s the disturbing thing: She made no counteroffer. Doc, I think Lynda has low self-esteem. I haven’t asked her out again since she made no counteroffers. I think her self-esteem is low, to the point that she is afraid to take the initiative. One more thing. She told me that her ex, whom she was seeing in law school prior to me, still comes over to watch TV once a week. This makes no sense to me. I have since refrained from contacting Lynda, though I remain cordial to her when I see her at school. I have almost every class with her, so there’s no time apart. What do you think is going on with Lynda? Shag - who wishes she would chase me Doc Love's Response Hi Shag, Sixty percent of all guys never get past the first date. But the sad thing is that they never ask themselves why — and that’s the problem. To you Psych majors, you have to ask yourself this: If a girl gave you her phone number, went out with you and you have a little time in with

her, and then she doesn’t want to go out with you again, what happened? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Did you un-sell yourself?” When you say that you were practicing parts of “The System” without even knowing it, you bring up a very important point. When I talk to you guys, I’m not saying you don’t know anything at all about women. Some of you have 50% knowledge, and some of you have 85% knowledge. My job is to give you that missing 50% or 15% percent and get your knowledge up to 100%. And Shag, I appreciate your honesty when you say you learned a lot about what you didn’t know from my program. When Lynda told you that she should never pay for anything and that she has to get the Hope Diamond for a ring, she sent you a clear message. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You better own Fort Knox.” But she told you even more. She told you all about her other boyfriends. When a guy is out spending money on a gal, he really likes to hear how romantic an ex is, doesn’t he? It makes him feel really good. It sounds like this Lynda is a very thoughtful and considerate person. Talking about being abused by her mother and being obsessed about her body and looks are called deal-breakers. Lynda’s mother should be in jail, and I’m sorry for what Lynda had to go through. But being in love with every mirror Lynda sees will leave little time for you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The point is that you’re the one who’s going to have to eat it.” What’s really great about your letter is that you have my book and therefore you understand the power of counteroffer. Lynda didn’t come back with one, which means that her Interest Level is below 50%. Women who have an Interest Level above 50% help you and make a counteroffer when they can’t make a date. They’ll name another time when they can see you. Yes, it’s true that Lynda has low self-esteem. You hit that right on the head, guy. But what really matters is the fact that she made no counteroffer, which means you’re out. So forget Lynda. But when you say that her self-esteem is so low that she can’t take the initiative, you’re rationalizing. Up to this point, Shag, you were brilliant and picked up on what was really going on with this girl. But you dropped the ball on the connection — or lack thereof — between low self-esteem and making a counteroffer. I’ve said it a million times before: Interest Level cuts everything. If Lynda was really interested in you, all she had to say was, “I can’t make it when you want to go out, but I can make it for the next night.” Simple. The fact that Lynda has her ex over to watch TV might not make sense to you, but that’s because you’re a rational being. The important thing is that here you have yet another big red flag. My book says no exes lurking in the background. Why is Lynda seeing an ex? The answer is that she has low self-esteem, so she needs the strokes. But is that something you really want to deal with? What’s going on with Lynda is very basic: She has no interest in you. Remember, guys: No counteroffer means you’re out.

When To Propose? Hey Doc, I’ve read your book but may need coaching on a little conundrum. Sometimes when you get a puzzling result, you have to call in a specialist. I first laid eyes on Jill when she walked past me on a flight from Europe to New York. She made prolonged eye contact that suggested, “I’m interested and available.” I played it cool and bumped into her in baggage, which gave us plenty of time to talk and confirm the lack of a wedding band. I kept the conversation light, funny and interesting. I casually grabbed her phone number, waited a week to call and set up a lunch date. This led to a casual romance filled with “adventure” dates (hiking, parasailing, etc.) that started out as a once-every-twoweeks kind of thing and then progressed to talking on the phone every evening by the fifth month (I kept the calls no longer than 10 minutes to set up more dates). Here’s my problem. Through a professional connection, I got word that Jill’s ex-boyfriend, an Ivy League graduate, was pursuing her big time again, even though they’d broken up a year previous to my meeting her. Naturally, she’d shared a few details about Frat Boy along the way, but I had no idea that this guy was rich. I’m talking major VP of a Fortune 500 company. I do well, but quite frankly, I’m happy where I am, make a good living and plan to retire when I hit 50 to enjoy life instead of working till I drop. Here’s the rub: Apparently Frat Boy’s biological clock is exploding or something, and Jill is mid-30s herself. She’s dropped lots of little hints about having babies with me — meaning she wants to get married ASAP. But I know that your MO is that you don’t even think about getting serious with a woman until you have a solid year of Flexible Giving under your belt with her, and I’ve only got six months. Jill also doesn’t seem overly materialistic, but in my experience you never really know with women. To her credit, Jill has made it pretty clear to me that this guy is coming on strong, sending flowers, love notes and asking to get back together. Jill has said that the reason they broke up to begin with was that he was a “workaholic” and unavailable. Even so, I’m playing this cool and confident. I didn’t overreact at all upon this “news,” and kept up the Challenge and mystery (I still leave for weekends with the guys for fishing expeditions, although Jill tries to make “demands” on my time). I would guess that her Interest Level has always been at least in the 90s, but with this Ivy League guy putting himself back in the picture, I’m questioning that for the first time. Meanwhile, Jill is still dropping marriage hints and saying that she’s more or less ignoring her ex’s requests for dates and told him to stop contacting her. My question is this: Should I stick to the program and wait another six months to pop the question, or should I put this relationship into overdrive and head toward marriage more quickly? I don’t want to lose her over a perceived reluctance to walk down the aisle. Dewey - who is curious to see how she’ll react to Frat Boy Doc Love's Response Hi Dewey,

You make an excellent point about calling in a specialist when you face a dicey situation. Most men do not realize how deep my techniques and principles go when it comes to their problems with women. Guys send me emails two pages long describing their difficulties with a woman, and they expect me to give them a one-sentence Band-Aid to solve everything. It doesn’t work that way. In reality, they need major surgery. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “If you got problems with women, there ain’t no quick fixes.” Let’s move on to Jill. Her prolonged eye contact with you said she was interested, but it didn’t say that she was necessarily available. So you shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions. You should have been seeing Jill at least once a week instead of once every two weeks. And, remember, the telephone is used to get a date, and that’s all. I know you kept your calls short, Dewey, but it’s not how long the calls last; it’s the frequency of the calls that’s just as important. By calling Jill all the time, you’re killing Challenge, Dewey. When you got the information about Jill and her ex from your professional contact, I hope you didn’t tell him that you were dating her. How do you know he wouldn’t take that information and run with it straight to Frat Boy? Still, you had to listen to what he told you, even if you weren’t sure of its truthfulness and accuracy. As I’ve told you guys before, you have to be a love detective and factor in all the evidence. Dewey, you need two years of Flexible Giving with a woman before getting engaged — oneand-a-half years at the very earliest. One year is not long enough because at that point, you’re still going out with a stranger. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “After only one year with a woman, you ain’t seen all her warts yet.” It’s true as you say that you never really know with women, and I congratulate you on being aware of it. My question to you is this: if Jill loves you so much, why is she talking to you about other men? I would advise you not to talk about your exes with her, so why is she not showing you the same class? Why can’t she prevent herself from baring her soul? To you Psych majors, women with Interest Levels in the 90s don’t talk about other guys. The key to this situation, Dewey, is what Jill tells her ex. If she orders him to stop contacting her — assuming she’s not lying to you – it’s great. But how truthful is she being with you? No way you can pop the question now, pal. You have to wait another year and a half before even thinking about it, given the present circumstances with Frat Boy. So, no, you shouldn’t put this relationship into overdrive. You shouldn’t do anything until this other guy is completely out of the picture. I don’t like the fact that he’s still coming on to Jill. Here’s something to think about. When Jill gets an email from Frat Boy, does she erase it or does she read it? When he mails her flowers, does she mail them back? When he sends her a love letter, does she write on it “THIS RECIPIENT IS DEAD” and return it? The point is this: How hard is she really trying to get rid of this guy? My suspicion is that she’s not trying all that hard since she keeps letting him contact her. Your problem, Dewey, is that you have an ex-boyfriend lurking in the background, which is a big no-no. Until that situation is completely cleaned up and you get at least two years in with Jill, don’t even think about marrying her. Remember, guys: If she’s talking to an ex, you have to smell a rat.

How To Ask A Girl Out Hey Doc, First of all, I just wanted to say that I finished reading “The System” and that it was spot on. I have also just started listening to your radio shows. I recently ended a two-year relationship with my girlfriend. She nagged me a lot, had a lousy attitude and had more baggage/scars than what I wanted to deal with, so after reading your book I finally ended it with her (which was not easy for me). My question involves initiating contact with a girl, Nadia, whom I’ve not spoken to in a long time. We have no prior romantic history. We met a few years ago at a college party and became friends (she had a boyfriend at the time, so I didn’t bother trying to pursue her). Occasionally we would bump in to each other in public and talk, but either she was involved with someone or I was dating someone. Anyway, I was cruising the internet a few days ago, ran across Nadia’s Facebook page and saw that she was single. I’m thinking that I would like to talk to her and try to initiate a coffee date somehow, but the problem is the last time I talked to her was a year and half ago at a Halloween party. I’m not quite sure how to contact her “out of the blue,” so to speak, and set something up with her without coming off as a creeper. Doc, I’m hoping you have some ideas. Before I end this letter, let me stress that I am in no way obsessed with Nadia. Even though she’s a cool, down-to-earth girl, I have other prospects on my radar so I would not be devastated if you told me that pursuing her wasn’t feasible. I just wanted to see if you had any advice for me regarding this situation. Thanks! Shmuel - who would like to give her a shot Doc Love's Response Hi Shmuel, First of all, I would like to award you the Congressional Medal of Honor because you had the guts to get out of the relationship with your ex-girlfriend when it got really bad. Most guys out there can’t do what you did. And after you’ve read “The System” many, many more times — which is what you have to do in order to fully grasp its power and profundity — you won’t be marooned again for two whole years with a woman who doesn’t deserve you. No, my friend, committing my book to memory will make you a much wiser man. When your instincts are sharpened and you are armed with true wisdom, you’ll only last anywhere from three to 10 dates at most with a bad woman before you blow her off. What happened here — because you didn’t have the benefit of the wisdom of my book — is that you wasted an enormous amount of time with your ex, and you’re two years older than you were when you started with her. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, those are two

precious years you can never get back.” And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Hey, man, I’m not driving the bus over you, but you shouldn’t have spent more than a few minutes on somebody who gives you a rough time.” What’s more, dude, think of all the money you spent on someone who nagged you all the time and had a lousy attitude. It was all a waste. Very sad, Shmuel. And completely uncalled for if you had known what you were doing. And the only way you would have known what you were doing is if you had the benefit of the techniques in my book. Now let’s be real about something, guy. You didn’t just “happen” to be cruising the internet when you stumbled across Nadia’s face. You looked her up. You’re making it sound like an accident, when the truth is that it was calculated. So let’s not make this thing something that it isn’t. To you Psych majors: You shouldn’t be on Facebook because you don’t want a woman to know too much about you before you even start dating her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you tell the entire world where you went to school, and where you work and everything you like and don’t like, there isn’t much room left for mystery.” Now, here’s what you’re going to do. Drop Nadia an email and say, “Hey, I haven’t talked to you for a long time. Let’s get together for a cup of coffee.” Then act as if nothing at all is happening and nothing is out of the ordinary. In other words, act like you ran into Nadia on the street just last week. Nonchalance is the key to this situation. If Nadia happens to ask you why you haven’t contacted her in all this time, tell her you had a girlfriend and you’ve just now broken up. That’s it. Clean and simple. There’s no need to complicate this situation. It takes only 30 seconds to send an email to Nadia. If she says yes to your suggestion for coffee, you’re on your way. If she says no, then you aren’t on your way, but at least you know where you stand. The point is that it’s no big deal. You’re being a little too emotional about this situation, and you’re way too worried about what Nadia’s response is going to be. The truth is that it doesn’t call for anything more than a simple gesture to get the ball rolling. If Nadia is available and liked you in the past, you’ll get the date. Remember, guys: You have to swing the bat to get a hit.

Conservative Women Hey Doc, I’m losing faith in “The System.” I know you receive a ton of emails, but I hope you’ll take the time to reply to this one. I live outside the United States and bought your book when I was a teenager; I’m in my 20s now. All along, I thought it was the best money I ever spent — until now. Throughout the years, I have accumulated some experiences that are in conflict with the teachings of “The System.” Please hear me out.

Yes, I agree that Interest Level cuts across all cultures, that girls help you out when they are interested and that counteroffers are important. But don’t you think that your method of testing Interest Level might be flawed when applied to more conservative cultures? I feel that some aspects of “The System” should be revised. My rationale is that measurement of Interest Level varies across cultures. Girls might give out numbers to guys, but they may also want to know more about those guys through texting and phone chats before going out with them. Refusing to go on a date or not giving a specific counteroffer does not necessarily mean they have an Interest Level lower than 50%. Perhaps they do have an Interest Level that’s higher than 50%, but the method used to test it is flawed because it’s a different yardstick of measurement. Could it be that, for them, going out on a date means a 65% Interest Level? Here’s another point. I recently got a lady’s number and called her for a date after a week. We chatted a bit, and I did not reveal details about myself to her (Challenge). I ended by saying, “You can find out more about me if you’ll have lunch with me.” Unfortunately, she gave me the “I don’t know” reply without a specific counteroffer. I ended the conversation after some small talk and was devastated. To my surprise, she texted me shortly afterward and said, “I have done some investigations through our mutual friends and have found out more details about you.” We went on texting for a while. Well, this is still a counteroffer, right? Doesn’t this mean she wants to take things slow? What would have happened if all contact was ceased and her phone number flushed? The point is that we evaluate women through their Interest Levels, but they are screening us through new communication technologies such as Facebook. Why would a woman waste time meeting men face to face when she can find out more about them through texting, messaging or their Facebook profile? I’m not saying we do not have to close the deal, because we do. But don’t you think that it is too premature and too extreme to make a decision using your method, based on just one call? Doc, I am grateful for your knowledge, but I can no longer steadfastly practice your methods as I used to. Yacqui - who is curious to hear what you have to say Doc Love's Response Hi Yacqui, When a guy is in “conflict” with “The System,” it means that some women have told them that it doesn’t work with them. But, in reality, those women merely have low Interest Levels or bad attitudes. My principles still work — they always work. My methods are most definitely not flawed when it comes to more conservative women and cultures. But while in some more conservative countries you might not kiss a girl on the second date, if she has high Interest Level in you, she will still light up like a Christmas tree. She will still touch your arm, she will laugh at all your corny jokes and she will show up on time. To you Psych majors, while you might not kiss a girl on a second date in certain cultures, it doesn’t mean the entire “System” is flawed. In that situation, you would simply modify that single point. That’s all. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, measurement of Interest Level does not vary across cultures. So your assumption here is dead wrong. When a girl has 80% Interest Level

in you in Montana and she has 80% Interest Level in you in the Philippines, she still has 80% Interest Level in you. The only difference is that one girl you might kiss, and one girl you might not kiss as quickly. But regardless of when the kiss happens, a girl will show her Interest Level. She will just show it in other ways. Dude, all women want to know more about you, but you’re not supposed to give in to them. That’s part of being a Challenge. Every other guy blurts his guts out during texting and phone calls for six or eight weeks, but he will probably not even get a first date. What a waste of time! Yacqui, not giving a counteroffer or refusing to go on a date with you does mean the woman has less than 50% Interest Level. When she likes you, she has an Interest Level of above 50%, and when she doesn’t, it’s below 50%. It’s that simple. For a babe to go out with you, she must have Interest Level of 51% or higher. If she won’t go out with you, her interest is 49% or less. What you don’t understand is that you’re struggling to build rapport through texting and chatting because she doesn’t want to spend time sitting across from you. And that’s because she had low Interest Level to begin with and you didn’t pass the Physical Attraction Test. You shouldn’t have told the lady that she could find out more about you if she had lunch with you. You should have just asked her out. You should have said, “Listen, I’d like to you take you out to dinner, and I’ll pick you up at six o’clock on Thursday.” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re going on a date, not a business meeting.” So you’re destroying “The System” just by how you asked the lady out. When she said “I don’t know” and didn’t counteroffer, it meant her Interest Level was 49% or less. Again, it’s that simple. You’re reading too much into it and rationalizing. Now, let me get this straight. You were devastated by a woman who you’ve never been out with? That means you’ve got other problems, my friend. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you’re way too sensitive.” It’s all right to get sensitive when you go out with a girl for six months and she drops you cold, not when you don’t get a first date. And you’re wrong about her alleged counteroffer. It wasn’t a counteroffer at all. A counteroffer applies to dates, not texting. You can text a girl until the cows come home, but she will probably never give you the first date. That means she’s a stroker, a time-waster. Are you sure you have the right book? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The reason she’s taking things slow is because she’s not interested in you.” Yacqui, if you’d have flushed this lady’s number, you wouldn’t have blown a lot of time with somebody whose Interest Level is south of the border. A woman can’t find out about a man through texting and chatting because she can’t see him. Therefore, she can’t read his body language. She’s only looking at some letters and digits on a phone pad. She’s not looking at the way he moves or his face or his eyes, and she’s not hearing his voice and the way it modulates. She — and you — are missing all of that crucial interplay. Texting is only 30% or 40% of communication. Without assessing body language, you don’t know what a woman really feels or what her true responses are. Pal, it’s not at all premature for a guy to base a decision on one phone call. If a woman is not available at that time, you move on and it’s over. One more thing. You haven’t been practicing my methods, Yacqui. If you had, you would know what’s going on right now.

Remember, guys: “The System” took 40 years to build, so keep the faith.

Open Relationships: Doc Love Hey Doc, I’m stuck in an open relationship. Holly and I started dating a few months ago. We act like a married couple, but we both have other partners who we get romantic with. I want to be exclusive with Holly, but she says that she can’t allow it because she could never provide me with what I want. She says she would rather be friends with me and not break my heart if we got into an exclusive relationship because she cares too much about me as a person. Holly says that she is not attracted to me, but she calls me cute and never hesitates to get romantic with me. We don’t kiss or sit next to each other or hold hands or anything like that. We even go to other rooms when we call the other people we date. She doesn’t let her friends know that she’s with me much of the time, but they know who to call when they can’t find her. Since we spend a lot of time together, Holly leaves her things at my place. Her friends tell her that I am one of the best guys she’s ever dated. What I can say for her is that she takes care of me when I’m broke, feeling down or if I just want someone to be there. I don’t interfere with the other guys she dates, but when I tried dating two other women recently, she made sure to undermine the relationships. Doc, what I need to know is whether I’m dating someone who is confused, or if I have the foundation for a long-term relationship with Holly. I’m tired of being called Holly’s boyfriend when I’m not. I’ve fallen for this woman and can’t back off. Lowell - who feels like he’s starting to go crazy Doc Love's Response Hi Lowell, Straight out of the chute, when you utter the words “open relationship,” I smell a big rat. What the heck do you mean by an open relationship? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “An open relationship means no relationship.” When you tell me that you and Holly both get romantic with other people, you’re verifying the fact you two are not having a monogamous relationship, which is my specialty. Dude, if your relationship is not monogamous, then you and Holly have a huge problem. Because like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If there are more than two of you involved in a romance, somebody is always going to get jealous or bruised.” To you Psych majors, this type of situation is dangerous and by definition invites someone mired in the mess to get jealous or hurt — which they have a right to be. When Holly told you that she could never provide you with what you need, she was coming straight out and saying that she couldn’t satisfy you and you refused to listen to her.

Holly doesn’t care “too much” about you as a person. You’re deluded here. It’s just the opposite, pal: She cares too little about you. What she’s telling you indirectly is that she has low interest level in you. If she cared too much about you, she would be wildly in love with you and all over you and you alone. And that’s definitely not the case here. You’re mixing up “caring” with what happens in a romantic relationship. Holly is just using Womanese to keep you happy. What’s more, Holly has told you that she is not attracted to you. The first principle of “The System” is that you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test. Apparently you’re not familiar with my materials, buddy. This babe might get romantic with you on occasion, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You might have her body once in a while, but you don’t have her heart.” You have to win the woman’s heart to have a true romantic relationship with her. Of course you don’t kiss Holly or hold hands with her, because if you did, she’d be your girlfriend, which she’s not. Now, get this straight. You’re not dating Holly, no matter what she tells her friends. She’s lying to you, Lowell. Dating implies a romantic relationship. Holly doesn’t have a romantic relationship with you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re like a little brother to this gal.” All the things that Holly does for you, like giving you money and hanging around you when you’re lonely, have nothing to do with a romantic relationship. None of her alleged generosity is coming from her being a Giver in a romantic relationship. And if she undermines your other dates, all it means is that she’s a sick puppy, just like you are. One more thing. Holly isn’t confused about anything at all, guy. You are the one who’s confused. This vixen knows exactly what she’s up to. She has a different agenda from you, and you refuse to admit that her Interest Level in you is less than 50%. You might be her little brother or her best friend, but Holly has zero romantic interest in you. As far as a foundation for a long-term relationship is concerned, you’re dreaming, my friend. You might be tired of being called Holly’s boyfriend when you’re not, but that’s what you’re going to be called for the rest of your life — maybe longer. If you’ve fallen for Holly and can’t back off, you’ve put your finger on exactly what your problem is: no Self-Control. You’d better develop some fast if you don’t want to go over the edge on account of this babe. Remember, guys: If you have her mixed up with someone who cares, you’re wasting your time.

Low Self-Esteem Hey Doc, I’m in serious trouble with a girl in my office. Basically, I am an average guy 25-year-old with a lean body and decent looks. When I was in school I had an accident that left a scar on my hand. Due to this, I have a very low self-image and low self-confidence when it comes to interacting with girls. During college, I tried to avoid them, assuming that no one would like someone who has an ugly scar. So I don’t know

how to talk to girls. I’ve become an introvert. As a result, girls have avoided me because I behave like a weird guy around them. A year ago, Simone, a very cute girl, joined our office. We became friends instantly. This was very different for me. She showed lots of interest in me and praised me for my work. She made me feel like I was the only guy in the office she liked. She made physical contact when we walked or sat together. Sometimes we talked on the phone for an hour. I’d never talked with a girl on the phone before. I felt on top of the world. One day I said, “I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?” I said it because I thought she’d say yes. Instead, it changed everything in an instant. Simone told me she wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship and that we couldn’t be friends anymore. She ignored me in the office and no longer talked to me. Since she sits close by, it was very painful for me. I was totally heartbroken and went into a depression. Simone started hanging out with other guys in the office. Every other guy in the office fell for her since she’s so hot. It’s now a year later, and those other guys have left the company. Simone and I talk, but it’s awkward. She treats me like a friend, but I feel she is using me because there’s no one else left for her in the office. She only thinks of me when she needs help. Doc, I still crave Simone’s company and want to be with her. I don’t know what I will do if I can’t be with her, but her mood swings make me anxious. Should I break off this so-called “friendship” or hang on just in case she will eventually like me? I think of nothing but her, even when I’m at home. Should I leave the job because of her? Should I confront her directly about my issues? I’m not able to concentrate on my job anymore, and the situation is affecting my health. I eagerly await your reply. Stashu - who is losing his grip Doc Love's Response Hi Stashu, You’re in serious trouble with a girl in your office for one reason and one reason only: you don’t have my materials, and you don’t have them memorized. Period. If you had my principles and techniques down cold, you wouldn’t be in any trouble at all, and Simone wouldn’t have affected you in the least. She would be nothing but a blip on the screen of your life. Regarding your scar, Stashu, there are many below-average-looking guys and guys with scars on various parts of their bodies from dangerous jobs like construction, but they don’t stop living. There are effective ways to handle this sort of problem, but you don’t know what they are because you don’t have my book. A guy with a scar on his belly from an operation might just say to a girl, “Hey, I was in a battle with a samurai, and I lost.” He keeps it light and funny and makes a joke of it. To you Psych majors, if he puts across to the girl that a scar is no big deal, then it’s no big deal — to him or to her. The truth of the matter is that we all have scars, whether or not you can see them, but they don’t have to prevent life from being fulfilling. But if your scar bothers you so much that you can’t function, you should try to have something done about it. The advances in plastic surgery have been nothing short of

astounding. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Heck, nowadays, they’re putting new faces on people.” You didn’t become friends with Simone instantly, pal. She was the only girl who ever paid any attention to you. You were her friend, but you didn’t know what she really felt about you. The truth is that she was probably just nice to you because you helped her with her work. You might have talked to Simone on the phone for an hour, but you weren’t dating her, and, therefore, you shouldn’t be blabbing to her on the phone. You should have been dating Simone. You should have gotten her number and taken her out to dinner, to shoot pool or go bowling. You never did that, Stashu. If you had done that in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this mess now. Of course asking Simone to be your girlfriend changed everything in an instant. That’s because she was just being polite to you or using you to help her do her job. But she had no romantic feeling toward you whatsoever. And since you never had a date in your life, it was tough for you to handle the situation. With your low self-esteem, I’m sorry to say, it’s going to be tough for you to get a girl and handle her correctly. Actually, you should have waited for Simone to ask you to become her boyfriend instead of the other way around. But since you don’t have my materials, you’re at a terrible disadvantage, because you don’t have the proper strategy. And you need a lot of work as it is because you have such low self-confidence. When an opportunity like Simone came up, you couldn’t handle it because you don’t have my book memorized and, therefore, you’re not equipped to do anything with the opportunity. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You can’t play in the ball game unless you’re prepared.” Explain something to me, Stashu. How can you go into a depression over a girl you’ve never been on a single date with? Simone never even said she liked you, man. Do you realize how out of touch with reality you are? Do you realize how far you have to go? Do you realize how strong you have to be to deal with the opposite sex? If you feel that Simone is using you in the office, just say no. All you have to do when she asks you for something is say, "I’m busy," and then smile and walk away. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You couldn’t get the ’N’ word out to a girl if your life depended on it.” This is because you’re not trained. Let me straighten you out on something else. Simone doesn’t have mood swings; she has low Interest Level. You’ve got it all wrong here, my friend. Simone just doesn’t care for you. To think that Simone will eventually like you is insane. It’s like asking whether you will win the lottery. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, winning the lottery would be easier than getting this girl to like you.” You might think of nothing but Simone when you’re at home, but, sadly, when she’s at home, she never thinks about you. Don’t leave your job because of her. What you have to do is get yourself trained. You have to memorize my book and listen to my radio show ASAP. Given the shape you’re in, it’s going to take two to four years to get your head straightened out, so you’d better start on it right this minute, Stashu. Of course you can’t confront Simone about

your issues. She’s not your psychiatrist. She doesn’t care about any of your issues. You still don’t get it: This babe never even thinks of you. Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my materials, you don’t have a chance.

A Married Woman Hey Doc, I’m a great fan of your work, and I happen to be going through the toughest moment of my life. I started going out with Ruby when she was legally married. Her husband dumped her for another woman and now has a baby with the other woman. Everything was going fine between Ruby and me when her husband sent an email out of the blue telling her that he was coming back to her and calling her the love of his life. Ruby went berserk and started crying. She said she wanted us to be only friends and that she would go back to her husband. Guess what I did? I said, “You’ve conquered me, but I’m never friends with my exes.” Then I stopped answering her phone calls and disappeared from her life. What happened next shocked me. Ruby wrote me an email telling me that I was the man of her life. She even came to my workplace — walking 30 minutes to get there — to see me and talk to me. Now Ruby has decided to dump her ex forever. At the moment, Ruby and I are in the honeymoon phase, but one problem still persists. She calls me all the time and doesn’t like it when I don’t answer the phone. Since she’s all over me all the time, how can I continue being a Challenge? I really dig Ruby and don’t want to blow it with her. Thanks for any words of wisdom. Imanuel - who feels like he’s been through a war Doc Love's Response Hi Imanuel, First of all, if you had my materials, you would never have gone out with a married woman. Ever. To you Psych majors, you don’t go out with a woman who’s hitched. You wait for her to get all the legal paperwork finished, and then you go out with her. Well, I have to say that Ruby sounds like the consistent type. As soon as the computer flashed her husband’s name, she was back in his arms! And she was supposed to be head over heels for you? Gosh, I’d hate to see what would have happened if she didn’t like you, man! That said, it was the right thing to do to disappear from Ruby’s life when she unceremoniously dumped you to go back to her husband. But what you don’t seem to understand, pal, is that since you went out with a married woman, this thing was dead in the water from the get go. Furthermore, you wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t dated a legally bound woman. It’s not at all a shock to me that Ruby came running back to you when you completely ignored her. It’s called the power of Challenge, dude. But instead of taking her right back

when she showed up at your job, you should have told her that you needed at least 60 days to think it over. When a woman does to you what Ruby did, you don’t just capitulate to her whims. It destroys the entire concept of Challenge, for one thing, and tells her that she can do whatever she wants to you again. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “When she does you dirt, you don’t just say 'I forgive you' and take her back. What’s wrong with you, bro? And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you rob a bank, you have to do time.” This is the same thing, my friend. If Ruby gets all bent out of shape when you don’t pick up the phone when she calls you at all hours of day and night, it means she has low Self-Esteem, which is a huge red flag and something you would have known if you’d memorized my book. And just think, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She’s going to be doing this for the next 40 years.” Imanuel, did you ever think that maybe Ruby’s low Self-Esteem and wacky behavior is what drove her husband nuts? And maybe it wasn’t really another woman who precipitated the breakup of their marriage. Have you thought of that? Maybe Ruby was just a lousy wife, and he met someone else when his Interest Level was in the pits — not that I would ever condone a husband or wife committing adultery, because under no circumstance would I. Now, if Ruby is all over you, you can’t even breathe. But I don’t think you should worry about being a Challenge to her. I think you should get rid of this babe. She is not good for you. In another 30 or 40 days, if you two have an argument, she’ll call up her ex-husband again and beg him to take her back. Do you really want to be involved in something like this, guy? And Ruby’s husband has a big problem because now he’s the father of a child with another woman, which only adds to the mess. All three of these people are screwed up: Ruby, her husband and her husband’s new girlfriend. The one I really feel sorry for is the new baby. Imanuel, you should get out of this entire quagmire as quickly as possible. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Run for the hills!” If you want to continue seeing Ruby, however, you have to tell her that you’re not available on a 24-hour-a-day basis. Like my cousin General Love says, “She has to learn that you’re not a paramedic.” And tell her that she has to quit phoning you and that you’ll talk when you see each other. If she can’t abide by those guidelines, then you have to dump her. But whether or not you want to hear it, Imanuel, I say you have to dump her anyway — now. Remember, guys: If you date a married woman, you will get hurt.

You're In Love Hey Doc, I’m 24 and met Tracee, who is 21, through a mutual friend. One weekend we went out with a group of people, got drunk and very romantic, and one thing led to another. She was by far the hottest girl I’ve ever had. In the morning it was awkward, but we decided that this was not a one-night thing and that we had started something.

In the weeks that followed, things moved very quickly. We spent a lot of time together, with me sleeping at her place almost every night of the week. Within two weeks, she had already met most of my family, and I met her mother. As time went on, she started taking the position that she was too busy for a relationship and not emotionally available, as she was still healing from her last relationship. She insisted that this had always been her position. I could relate, and we agreed that neither of us really knew what we wanted or what to expect, so we were basically just decided to have a good time and see where it would go. I quickly figured out that this was an incredibly stressful place for me to be in since I had developed feelings for Tracee, who wasn’t officially my girlfriend. I began getting hurt by things she would do, from how little time and attention she gave me to the way she danced with others when we went out. Then we basically stopped talking for a week or two. Eventually I decided that I didn’t have the energy for what I began to see as her little games, and I wrote her a letter about how she’d hurt me and why I had to move on. I was fine for a few days, and then I began to feel like I was losing my mind. I was extremely depressed, had no energy and began suffering panic attacks. All of this was new to me. The other day when Tracee walked past my store (we both work in the same shopping mall) we didn’t even make eye contact, but just seeing her felt like getting punched in the gut. I nearly fell to the ground, got lightheaded and had the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever experienced. I held it together for a couple more hours, then went out to my truck to cry my heart out. My friends have been very supportive. The other day I was talking to one about how horrible I was feeling and she said “Oh, you fell in love!” As the days passed, I began to wonder if she might be on to something. Despite Tracee’s current party-girl/workaholic mode, she still seems like the best (if not only) fit I’ve ever encountered for “wife material.” Although I’ve been working hard to avoid contact with her, and to stand taller and walk confidently past her store, I find myself still wanting her back very badly. But I haven’t seen any signs that this feeling is mutual. I’m finding it very difficult to move on because, for one thing, we weren’t really together long enough to have any fights or get sick of anything about each other. I find this whole situation rather ridiculous, and can’t believe what I’m going through! Over what? But I cannot deny the physical and emotional symptoms that are crippling me. I’m at a loss. Jonny - who is crushed Doc Love's Response Hi Jonny, You know why it was awkward with Tracee in the morning? Because you didn’t have any kind of relationship with her, that’s why. If you had known this girl, it might have been different. That’s why I always tell you guys that the longer you wait to get romantic and intimate with a girl the better, because that way you get to know and understand her, which you didn’t do.

Sleeping at Tracee’s place every night of the week was another huge blunder. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You do that, and you’re gonna wear out your welcome fast, boy.” You have to back off a girl and let her wonder and ponder how much she likes and misses you. Jonny, you didn’t work Challenge at all. In fact, I don’t think you even understand the concept. Like most men, you rushed straight into rejection. And another thing: You’re not supposed to meet her family for six months, and you did it within two weeks. Could you have been more of a pushover, guy? Why didn’t you just ask Tracee to marry you the night you met? Tracee might be healing from her last boyfriend, but she did have an Interest Level in you for at least one night. Then it went straight into the toilet, and that’s your problem. And when a girl says she’s too busy for a relationship or she’s not emotionally available, that means you don’t have a chance of even one in a million. Jonny, you’re lying when you say that you and Tracee were loose and just wanted to have fun and see where things would go. Admit it, pal: You liked this girl a lot. The problem is that she didn’t like you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You wanted this thing to go somewhere, and she didn’t want it to go anywhere.” So stop rationalizing, please. Why did you have all these feelings for Tracee when she didn’t ask you to be her boyfriend? Your Interest Level was way up in the 90s, where hers should have been but wasn’t. Now, let me get this straight. You don’t like the way Tracee dances with other people? Like my cousin Eddie Love says, “This babe digs you so much she’s crawling all over other guys on the dance floor.” Ouch. I’d hate to see how she would have acted if she didn’t like you! The reason you felt like you were losing your mind over Tracee is because the emptiness left by rejection was engulfing your stomach, my friend. Why? Because your Interest Level is up in the stratosphere and Tracee’s is well below 50%. Your friend was right — you are in love. But, Jonny, wouldn’t it be better to look for wife material in someone who actually likes to see you? The first thing you have to do is get your head on straight, and that’s where my book comes in handy. When you pointed out that you don’t see any sign whatsoever that your feelings for Tracee are mutual, you said it all right there, man. And that means you're out. You might not have gotten sick of Tracee, but that’s because your Interest Level is still as high as it can get. What you neglect to mention is that Tracee is completely sick of you, which is the only thing that matters! Remember, guys: If you’re confused about a woman, you need to memorize "The System."

Chasing A Girl Hey Doc, I need your advice. First of all, I’ve been an owner of "The System" for over a year now and have put your words to good use. The eye-opening part for me was that the relationship is totally based on the woman’s Interest Level and nothing else.

My issue involves a stunning woman named Jasmine. We met at a party three years ago. She couldn’t get enough of my attention and begged me to stay and talk with her all night. We dated for a while until she moved out of state. When she moved back, we started dating again. I maintained Challenge the whole time and even ended our friendship when she disrespected me once. She apologized and promised to never do it again. Impressed with the integrity she displayed, I allowed our friendship to continue. This time, when we started dating again, she said she wanted to be my girlfriend. Is She Still Interested? Recently, when I ran into a couple of relatives while with Jasmine, I introduced her as my friend and not my girlfriend. This made her upset, and she accused me of not being in love with her or, for some reason, embarrassed by her. The truth is that I wanted to move slowly. Now she’s not calling me as much and has not even returned a couple of my calls. I know I’m not supposed to be calling her more than she calls me, so I’ve stopped after two unanswered calls. Doc, I feel Jasmine’s Interest Level has dropped like a rock. What should I do to get it back up? Am I being a Macho Boy by not chasing a girl? I don’t want to drop her Interest Level even more by being less of a Challenge. Is she just testing me over some small issue? Please help me decide what to do. Hitchcock - who can’t figure her out Doc Love’s Response Hi Hitchcock, You are indeed correct: The relationship is based on the woman’s Interest Level and nothing else. But what most men tend to do is confuse their own feelings with the woman’s feelings. To you Psych majors, this is called projection and has nothing whatsoever to do with the Reality Factor. But if you internalize the techniques of "The System," you’ll be on guard against that very dangerous tendency. What you didn’t realize, dude, was that the outcome of your relationship with Jasmine was determined very early on, when she moved out of the state. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she really loved you, she wouldn’t have moved a thousand miles away.” So right there this thing was dead in the water. To you Psych majors, when a woman decides to put a lot of distance between the two of you, she’s telling you something. Hitchcock, you weren’t listening to what Jasmine was saying to you. Now take a close look at what happened between you and this lady. First she moves out of the state, and then she comes back and disrespects you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Do you see a pattern here?” If you don’t, you should, my friend. Don't let her walk all over you You say that you allowed your relationship with Jasmine to continue after she dissed you, but what you should have done was tell her to get lost for a couple of months. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When a man robs a bank, he might tell the court he’s sorry, but he still has

to go to jail.” In other words, Jasmine has to pay for her sins, guy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When she dumps on you, why the heck are you giving her a free pass?” Hitch, you let Jasmine go easy because you have no self-control and can’t stand the pain of being alone. You shouldn’t have introduced Jasmine as your friend or your girlfriend. What’s wrong with just saying “This is Jasmine”? That said, I can understand why she might have been insulted by not being referred to as your squeeze. But it’s just a smokescreen in the end because this thing had no life in it from the minute Jasmine moved out of state to get away from you. Her Interest Level was on the way into the tank at that point. Chasing A Girl Is A Waste Of Time The reason Jasmine’s not calling you or even returning your phone calls now is because her Interest Level has dropped precipitously to well below the 50% mark. And it means that you’re finished, Hitchcock. There’s nothing you can do to revive Jasmine’s Interest Level because it has gone way south of the border. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Once it’s down there, it ain’t never comin’ back.” You would know that if you had committed my book to memory by reading it at least 15 times. If you had memorized "The System," if you had lived with it and used its principles every single day, the book would have become instinctive for you and you wouldn’t be asking me the questions you’re asking now because you would already know the answers. In this case, you would grasp that Jasmine wants nothing to do with you and that it’s time to move on. No, you shouldn’t call Jasmine again. Why would you want to beg her for attention when it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to give you any? When a woman leaves two of your calls unreturned, the ballgame is over. Not chasing a girl when she won’t give you the time of day has nothing to do with being a Macho Boy. Like my cousin General Love says, “It just means you still have a few shreds of dignity left.” Hitchcock, you can’t drive Jasmine’s Interest Level any lower at this point. She’s not testing you over any issue at all, so there’s nothing to decide. Remember, guys: When she moves out of state, it means she’s not interested in you.

Depression And Dating Hey Doc, I have a question that you may not get quite so often. I recently went through a tough period when I was depressed, and during that depression, I met many girls and also burned many bridges. I played the numbers game to the extreme because I literally saw girls as replaceable and didn’t care about how I acted with them. Looking back, one of the girls really stood out to me, and I wish I had another chance with her. I played on a basketball team with Misty, and she actually got to know the real me — not the depressed me — very well, and she was interested in me. After a few interactions, however, she found out about the depression, and her interest started to wane. Some time later, we met

at a party. She was attracted to me, and I could have had a shot at dating her, but since I was so preoccupied with multiple girls, I couldn’t focus on her. Getting A Second Chance Afterward, I pretty much cut off contact with her, before I had a chance to really mess it up. But I never truly did anything terrible, like making out with another girl in front of her. Doc, do you think there’s any way to talk to Misty and explain to her what happened without looking like a needy, broken wuss, and get myself a second chance with her? Misty happens to be a friend of my friends, so I know that I will see her at some point in the future and would really like to try again with her. But I don’t really know how to behave going into this. I would really appreciate your input. Belvin - who’s never been in this type of situation before Doc Love’s Response Hi Belvin, First of all, I’m very sorry that you feel so low. Maybe you should visit a psychiatrist and get some pills or whatever other treatment is available to you. But your mental state is another subject for another forum. I am a coach, not a shrink. When you say you are burning bridges, you are telling me that you are aware that you are making huge mistakes with women. To you psych majors, when you’re depressed, you shouldn’t be around women, so you shouldn't have any bridges to burn in the first place. Don't Show You're Depressed So don’t ask women out when you are depressed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you’re going to be around babes when you’re bummed out, you have to talk yourself into pretending to be another, happier individual until you get out of the building.” Once you’re away from the women, you can go back into your funk. The main point is that you don’t show this side of yourself to a woman. She doesn’t want to see that dark side of you when you are out to get a date with her. There’s nothing light and funny in depression, and when it comes to women, you have to keep it light and funny. Saying that you didn’t care about how you acted around women is the stupidest statement I’ve ever heard in my life. You have to care how you act around women if you want to be successful with them. You don’t have to care how you act around men. But women? No way. What were you thinking, Belvin? Maybe you weren’t thinking at all. You might crave another chance with Misty, but, sadly, you don’t get another chance with a woman once you’ve blown the first one. As I’ve told you many times before, you get one chance per girl per lifetime. That’s it. There are no second chances or third chances. Once you blow it with a babe, once her Interest Level dips to 49%, you’re out forever. Of course Misty’s interest in you waned when she found out that you were in a downward slide. But, again, why did you show it to her in the first place? Why were you around her when you were in such a negative state of mind? Why did you play hoops with her when you were in the dumper? How did all of this dark stuff come out? If I gave you a million dollars to not be depressed around Misty, I bet you would have hid your depression quite well, wouldn’t

you? And if you don’t have the ability to hide it, please go and consult a professional with a sheepskin. When you saw Misty at the party, all you had to do was walk up to her, talk to her for five minutes and ask for her phone number. What do you mean when you say you couldn’t “focus” on her? All it would have taken was five minutes to figure out whether or not she was interested in going out with you. While you say that you never messed up by making out with another girl in front of Misty, the crucial point is that she already knows about your depression. She can never forget it. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s an indelible deposit in her memory bank for the rest of her life.” There’s no chance whatsoever that you are going to have a second shot with this woman. She’s already lost interest in you, dude. There’s no point in trying again with her. From now on, whenever you’re around her, you’re going to smile and say hello and act like nothing whatsoever has happened. Pretend like you never talked to her and like it’s the first time you ever met. That’s what my book would have trained you to do, but I’m sure you don’t have it. My friend, not knowing how to behave around Misty is exactly why you need “The System.” Remember, guys: it’s OK to be depressed, but it’s not OK to tell the world about it.

Challenge In A Relationship Hey Doc, I’ve got a rough one for you. After reading your columns I’ve begun to think that you actually might be onto something. I’ve realized it sucks that we can’t just tell our feelings to women, but I guess if we want to keep the girl, we can’t. I’m a pretty attractive guy, funny and very easy to get along with. I got close to Katie, who is very beautiful, nice, funny, and we had similar interests. I really did think she was the girl that I could love. I thought I had absolutely no chance with her, but after a few months of flirting, somehow I bagged her. All my friends said she was the biggest catch at our university and joked that she was way too hot for me. I laughed with them because it was true. Things were great for about three months. I was her first boyfriend ever, so I tried to lead her down the path of a relationship. But after three months she suddenly ended it. Her reasons were that “she wasn’t feeling it anymore” and that she didn’t think “it was meant to be.” Like an idiot I wrote her a long email asking her to give us another chance. After a few weeks of heartbreak, I bought "The System," but now I still am not quite sure what was wrong. I will agree that I presented no Challenge to Katie. But before we were together I did present Challenge, and I thought that once we were finally together, I wouldn’t have to be a Challenge anymore. I was also very open with her, telling her how much I loved her, etc. Do I really need to keep my hand hidden for the duration of the relationship, or was this one truly not meant to be? We still remain friends today, and very close, which is quite annoying.

What did I do wrong? I really, really liked this girl and can’t understand what happened. Is there anything I can do to get her back? I’ve been biding my time, and she seems to be getting closer and closer, but I’m not sure if it means anything. I truly believe we were incredibly compatible and would be amazing together. She agreed, saying our relationship was almost effortless because it flowed so easily. Perry - who is devastated Doc Love’s Response Hi Perry, Let me ask you a question: Why does it suck that you can’t blurt out your feelings to women? What do you expect that to accomplish? To you Psych majors, you show the woman your feelings through your actions. In other words, you do it non-verbally. Period. What’s wrong with that? Like most guys, you don’t understand that you can’t keep a woman by emoting. What drives her nuts is when she knows you love her but you don’t verbalize it. That’s what makes her like you more. Most women would disagree with me on this if you asked them, but it’s the truth. Perry, you might be attractive, you might be the second coming of Warren Beatty, but attractive guys are only assured of getting something going with a woman. Unless you say and do the right things after she gets past your attractiveness, your good looks mean nothing. There are lots of average-looking guys who know how to keep women in love with them, and you don’t. There’s the proof. What you had here was one of the best-looking women at the university, and you did well to bag her. But there are two parts to a relationship. First you have to catch her, but then you have to keep her. I’m not sure what you mean by “leading Katie down the path to a relationship,” but it sounds to me like you were not using "The System." The end of the relationship might have been sudden to you, but Katie was getting turned off after the fifth or sixth week. You were on your way out long before you knew it, guy. Katie wasn’t feeling it anymore because you lowered her Interest Level. As I said before, you caught her, but you couldn’t keep her. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “If you can’t keep a fish that you hook, you’re a lousy fisherman.” Like the vast majority of men out there, you don’t know how to keep a woman in love with you. When you wrote Katie an email asking for another chance, it’s called begging, which lowers Interest Level, and in your case, even worse. Nowhere in your letter do you ever mention Katie’s Interest Level, curiously enough. All you talk about is how great and beautiful she is and how much you adore her, but nowhere do you talk about her wild desire for you. And you should know, if you read my book even once, that the only important determinant in a relationship is the woman's Interest Level. Perry, you don’t know what went wrong because you haven’t read my book 15 times. You have to read my book every week for 15 weeks. You can get my techniques intellectually after two or three reads, but you won’t integrate them on an emotional or an instinctive level.

But when you say that you were no Challenge to Katie, right there is your problem. You just answered your own question. Being a Challenge is what would have kept Katie in love. But you thought you wouldn’t have to be a Challenge to Katie once you got her. In other words, you immediately abandoned the tactics that snagged her in the first place. In fact, you decided to act directly against them by gushing all over her. You don’t tell a woman how much you like her — you show a woman how much you like her. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s like a bow and arrow. You push the bow away and draw the arrow toward you.” What’s wrong with keeping your hand hidden? Why do you have to verbalize your feelings every other minute? Why are you dying to tell this girl every emotion? What really counts, especially to a sharp woman, is how you treat her. It’s your actions that count —that’s all. And it’s not a matter of what’s meant to be or not meant to be. Dude, you had this girl but lost her through what you did and ignorance of the proper principles. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Fate had nothing to do with your failure.” “Being close” as a friend is not annoying to Katie because you’re out. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Since you’re friends, maybe she’ll invite you to the wedding when she marries another guy.” What did you do wrong? Well, you’re not a Challenge and you’ve got a big mouth. There’s nothing you can do to get Katie back. Once Interest Level hits 49%, you’re out forever. It means absolutely nothing that you and Katie are getting closer and closer. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you have a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, it’s a waste of time.” Thinking that you two would have been great together is just a fantasy now. In reality, it’s all in the past. Katie might have said that your relationship flowed effortlessly, but the problem is that you became boring. Remember, guys: It’s easy to catch a girl, but it’s hard to keep her.

How To Get A Girl's Number Hey Doc, I recently met Jillian at a karaoke competition. I walked up to her and told her she did a good job. We talked for about 10 minutes. I should have asked for her phone number, but I didn’t want to seem too pushy. However, she was very friendly and easy to talk to. She happens to work at a restaurant I frequent. She said to come and visit her some time when I go there. I said I would request her section. She is a “10” by the way, but I hope to win her over through Challenge. Moving Too Fast? Through Facebook I invited Jillian to a party I was throwing and posted a comment that it would be cool if she could make it. I also messaged her, but got no response to either. I know this was a mistake, but I’m only reading your book now. I am guessing that Jillian has no interest in me because she would have probably responded to one of those messages. Her

sister happens to work at the same restaurant as Jillian does, and she usually ends up being our waitress. This gives me an opportunity to say something to Jillian’s sister that I am sure she will tell Jillian. I don’t want to ask her for Jillian’s phone number or anything. But if I happen to see Jillian and she seems interested in me, I will go ahead and ask her for it. But should I say something to her sister if she waits on my table? I thought about saying something along the lines of “I met your sister the other day at the karaoke competition and she sang really well.” I also thought about saying something like “Jillian is really cool,” or something like that. So what do you think, Doc? How do I get a girl's number? What should I do when I finally see Jillian again? Lawrence - who still has hope Doc Love's Response Hi Lawrence, Asking for a girl’s phone number is the very first check you make of her Interest Level — that’s how important it is. This is not being aggressive or pushy, my friend. This is simply a matter of trying to ascertain how interested she is in you. To you psych majors, a woman can be nice and throw herself all over you when you meet her, but if she doesn’t give you her phone number it means that her attention was nothing but a big act. Confidence Lands You Numbers So, Lawrence, you blew a great opportunity here. Remember that most guys don’t have the cojones to ask for the phone number when they first meet a babe. What you would have showed Jillian if you had asked for her phone number was that you have a lot of Confidence and a lot of guts. Confidence is one-third of what turns a woman on. Of course Jillian wants you to come and visit her at her restaurant. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “That way you can leave her a few more monster tips.” You might plan on winning Jillian over through Challenge, but you’re sure as heck never going to do it through Confidence. Now, let me get this straight: You invited Jillian to your party on the social network and you messaged her too — and you think that you’re going to win her over through Challenge by posting the fact that you like her and practically begging her to come? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What kind of logic is that, my son?” When you got no response from Jillian to either of your invitations, it meant right there that you were out. But you lost your chance much earlier by not asking her for her digits. You have to remember that it’s not necessarily true that Jillian would have responded to one of your messages if she were interested. You might have turned her off much earlier because you showed no Confidence whatsoever.

Don’t Rely On Others Don’t get some third-party like Jillian’s sister involved in your mess. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Do your own dirty work, boy.” In a situation like this, you don’t know what’s going on between Jillian and her sister. Maybe her sister is jealous of Jillian. Maybe her sister is average-looking, a “5” to Jillian’s “10.” Maybe she would distort whatever you say for one reason or another. Guys, when it comes to dealing with women, you have to go to the source. Whenever you get a third-party involved, something will end up being left out or garbled or deliberately distorted, take my word for it. It’s called human nature — or jealousy. So, no, don’t say a word to Jillian’s sister. Anything you think of to say to her is nothing but a waste of time. And here’s something else: You say you want to be a Challenge to Jillian, so why would you make all of these complimentary statements for her sister to pass on to her? If Jillian is a “10,” she’s been handed compliments all her life, from the day she was born. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She’s used to hearin’ good stuff, dawg. It won’t mean a thing to her.” What should you do when you see Jillian again? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Ask her if you can be the best man at her wedding.” Remember, guys: When it comes to gauging Interest Level, do your own dirty work.

Can She Change? Hey Doc, I might be dealing with a sociopath. Well, all of my friends seem to think so. When I met Lana six years ago and when we started dating, I was 24. She was 37 and had two kids, and though I didn’t know it, was married (I found out later she had been married three other times). She was constantly contacting her last husband behind my back until her divorce. We got a house together and she started seeing another guy without telling me. I moved out, he moved in, then he left her, and she came back to me. I think he had her on drugs and finally got out when he saw her true colors. Last summer she started seeing yet another guy, but they broke up. I’ve only seen her sporadically over the past few months, but now she’s texting me and saying she wants me back and that she has changed. We never married, but I’m still hooked on her. Doc, please help me understand her sociopath behavior and tell me if you think Lana could possibly change. What drives me crazy is that she can seem normal to the world but behind closed doors she is a completely different person. I can see the reality of my plight with her, but she is always able to say the exact right thing to lure me back in. Doc, am I just someone she is using until she finds what she is looking for? What baffles me is that when we met I didn’t have money, but she stayed with me for six years. My friend said it was because I put up with her erratic behavior and was an enabler. In your opinion, is Lana a lost cause? Her childhood was difficult and she moved from home to home and so forth, so that is one explanation for her actions. I know she has done wrong, but people can change, can’t they?

Barnes - who has been destroyed Doc Love's Response Hi Barnes, Let me ask you a question right up front. All of your friends — not a love doctor, like myself — are telling you that you’re with a nutcase. If it was just one or two buddies, you might take their opinions with a grain of salt. But can all of your friends possibly be wrong about this woman? What are you doing here, Barnes? Why aren’t you listening to them? But you went ahead and fell in love with a woman who is 13 years older than you. You mean to tell me you couldn’t find anyone else on the planet to go out with? Gosh, pal, you must live in a really small town! Then you discover that Lana’s been married four times and you still insist on chasing her around. Don’t you think that a woman’s track record is an indicator — a big red flag — when it comes to how she’s going to treat you? Isn’t the way she got along in her past relationships a sign that you’re in for the same lousy treatment? If nothing else, the fact that Lana was always contacting her last husband behind your back shows that she has loads of Integrity and character. But then she started seeing another guy. Oh, now I get it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This chick don’t know what the word 'no' means when a guy comes on to her.” Lana didn’t really come back to you when this other guy dumped her. You took her back after she worked your ego. And by the way, you don’t know why this other guy left Lana. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe he just hung around for the party.” Then Lana started with yet another dude and they broke up. Man, this girl doesn’t last too long with guys, does she? Barnes, why would you possibly think she’s going to last with you? And one more thing that you should remember: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This alley cat doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty in her blood.” But despite all of the suffering that Lana has inflicted on you, you want to believe her when she insists that she loves you and has changed. Now, let me ask you this, Barnes: If you were a betting man, what odds would you give that she’s really changed? Guy, the reason you never married this woman is because she had three husbands. You were fourth in line — not counting the other guys she had dangling on the side. The only thing that makes sense in your letter is when you say you’re still hooked on Lana. Your Interest Level is in the 90s, and you rationalize everything she does to you because you’re whipped. Can she change? Not this girl, and not in this lifetime. She’s sweet to the world and nuts with you, and she’ll always be a Jekyll and Hyde. The only reason she can keep luring you back is because your Interest Level is in the stratosphere, like I said earlier. If your Interest Level were 45%, whatever she pulled on you wouldn’t work. Look at it this way: What she pulls

doesn’t work when it comes to your friends, who have been giving you solid advice, which friends usually don’t. Lana isn’t using you until she finds what she’s looking for, because she doesn’t know what she’s looking for. What she’s after is the next guy, that’s all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This woman has no sense of discrimination whatsoever.” Lana stayed with you for six years, then it was over. Now you’re going back and forth with her, but you can’t go back, which you would know if you’d read my book. Your friend is right on — you put up with Lana’s erratic behavior, and you were an enabler. Is Lana a lost cause? Barnes, she was a lost cause when you met her. Now, let me explain something to you. Neither one of us is a psychiatrist. That’s why in “The System” we have the Bottom Line Factor, which states that you must go only by the woman's actions and never try to figure out why. To you Psych majors, it’s your ego that wants to know why, because that way you can rationalize her bad treatment of you. That’s the way the male ego works. Sure, people can change, Barnes. But not this horse. Remember, guys: What you see is what you get.

Being Needy Hey Doc, I’ve been with Shari for two and a half years. I’m 28, she’s 25 and we live apart (me with my ill mother and her with her family). But after hearing your radio show, I’ve been forced to take an honest look at myself and decided that I am in need of coaching. Like with any relationship, there have been some bumps in the road, and I must shoulder part of the blame because I have taken the “wimpy” approach. Constantly trying to be the nice guy, I have lost the upper hand and feel like the woman in the relationship. My insecurity has caused me to make myself come across as needy. I am always the first to talk about the future, to which Shari usually gets uncomfortable in discussing “heavy” topics. We work together and she is genuinely my best friend and can definitely be a Giver, however it is maddening to know that my interest in her is probably at least 90%, but the sad reality is I feel like hers is probably only about 70% to 75%. Although that doesn’t seem like too large of a gap, sometimes I feel it is worlds apart. Sometimes Shari will say how she wants to raise our kids or what she wants in our house, but when I try to expand on the issues, she gets uncomfortable and shuts it down. Shari is one of those girls who has a bunch of guy friends because she doesn’t get along with girls. I am trying not to be a jerk, but I don’t like it. I admit that my insecurity about her is through the roof and that is on me, but I am looking for coaching so I do not ruin this relationship. We have rarely fought, and she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the

way, she has been in this country for 10 years and is a refugee of war and comes from a very emotionally distant family that rarely shows affection. In her past, she was engaged and lived with a man who physically and verbally abused her. As for me, I’ve only had one serious relationship before this and am obviously not an expert. I am happiest when I am with Shari, but when we are apart I am miserable. I know I’ve become a wimp, and it wasn’t until my ex left me that I took this weak and pathetic approach in my life. I know you will say I need to buy “The System,” and I give you my word I will, but in the meantime, Doc, I have no one I can talk to or ask for advice on this matter. I feel like a loser and am embarrassed by the lack of balls I have displayed. Shari has told me on numerous occasions that she was attracted to my confident, sarcastic attitude and tattoos (i.e. the bad boy persona), but now that I have her, I act like a wuss. Fang - who can’t stand himself Doc Love's Response Hi Fang, If you’re aware that the wimpy approach is not working, why do you continue using it? Have you thought about taking another approach besides the wimpy? As far as feeling like the woman when you’re with Shari, you’re not alone. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s the way it is in most relationships.” If you keep talking about heavy topics with Shari and she shuts you down, why do you repeat your mistakes? This is a syndrome that I point out in my book — which you don’t have. If you keep doing something that makes your girl uncomfortable, why would you go on doing it? Wouldn’t common sense tell you that your approach isn’t working and that you should get a hold of my book and find out what the alternatives are? Don’t you ask yourself these questions, guy? Or do you want to stay marooned in a cycle of self-defeat? The only thing that will raise Shari’s Interest Level past yours to 95% is “The System.” If you feel that your Interest Level and Shari’s are worlds apart, then hers must be even lower than 70%. It might even be as low as 55%. If it’s headed toward 49%, it means you’re in real trouble. What are you waiting for, pal? When you bug Shari about your future together, you’re just talking to the wall. Obviously this woman needs to be in control. When she wants to come on heavy, she does it. When you try to come on heavy, she beats you right down. This pattern happens over and over. When you see this, don’t you understand that you have to try something else? The answer is that you don’t, because you have a male ego. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “A man’s ego is the devil.” It’s illogical to conclude that Shari has lots of guy friends because she doesn’t like girls. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe she just digs lots of guys.” The only thing you can do about this is keep your mouth shut. Learn to live with the fact that she can’t do without an army of males hanging around — or get rid of her. Now, you might want to spend the rest of your life with Shari, but does she want to spend the rest of her life with you? We know you like her, Fang, but how wild is she about you? You

insist on rationalizing and serving up all the excuses why Shari has weak interest in you. OK, she’s been beat up in war and she’s been beat up by her family. So is this the kind of woman who is long-term relationship material? To you psych majors, she’s going to haul all of those scars and baggage along with her into your marriage. Then Shari lived with a guy who should be in jail for striking her. Is that the kind of man she picks to be involved with? What does it say about her? You say that your ex destroyed you. Sadly, I’ve known men who have been dumped on and hurt by women, and afterward, they have set themselves up to be an abused wimp in their next relationship. They never get their mojo back. They lose their way. You say you have no one to talk to about your problems, but you can have something incomparably better. You can have “The System” overnight or in two or three days. It takes less than one minute to order. Buying my book is not the same as building a new World Trade Center, dude. All you have to do is hit a few buttons on your computer. Again, what are you waiting for? The good part of all this is that you know you’re a wuss. You know you have a problem and you came to me. But not having my book is a huge shortcoming. Desperate guys order “The System.” You’re not desperate, Fang. You just want me to give you a Band-Aid and make you feel good when what you really need is a triple bypass. Remember, guys: If you keep repeating your mistakes, you’re going to get the same results with woman after woman.

Relationship Insecurity Hey Doc, I'm thoroughly amazed by your columns and the amount of insight you are able to put into them. I'm writing regarding a major issue that I'm having with Delilah. She's a beautiful, fun, honest, caring girl, and we've been dating for two years now. We did have a minor breakup three months into this relationship. The cause was nothing too big, just that things were becoming rather dull and I made my mistakes, too. Here's the problem. After that breakup, I offered to take Delilah out to lunch for a closure date. It ended with her kissing me on the cheek. The day after that, there was a party to which we were both invited. At this party, she made out with another guy. It might have been on a dare, but she wouldn't have done it if she actually cared about me. Two days later, she was leaving for Bali for the summer, and I went to see her off at the airport, something she asked for. We made out at the airport, which reignited our spark, and as soon as I got home, I received a text saying, "Why did you do that? Now I can't get you off my mind." Obviously, she was leading me on to believe there was some hope left in this relationship. Before I go on, I'd like to mention that I was very "whipped" by Delilah in the sense that I really, really loved her and would do anything to get her back — anything. When Delilah was in Bali, she said things like, "I still feel like I belong to you. I could meet other guys if I wanted, but I don't because I feel like I'm still yours." Just one day after she said it, she went to third base with some guy from her old school. This was all within a week

of breaking up with me, and it completely wrecked me. I still haven't forgotten the feeling I had that night, and it happened a year ago. Delilah told me how bad she felt about what happened and how it was boring and how the guy begged her for three hours until she gave in. Then she told me she loved me, and like the whipped dog I am, I said, "I love you, too." Things got better after that, as we got back together a month later and are now happy as can be. Or so it seems. Doc, I am extremely insecure now. I feel that whenever Delilah goes out or is at a party where I'm not, she will cheat on me. I can't stand the thought of her being alone with another guy, even though I know she won't do anything. Delilah is now leaving the country for two years, and even though we will try and arrange visits, it deeply saddens me and I'm going to miss her more than I can imagine. Sorry for the sissy talk. What do you propose I do? I will be worried and sleep-deprived every time she tells me she's going out. I always feel I am not good enough for Delilah, and I want this to end. I really need your coaching, Doc. Chung - who needs to change himself Doc Love's Response Hi Chung, You say you had a "minor" breakup with Delilah just after you started dating and that the cause was nothing much. I've got news for you: You don't break up over something minor; you break up for something major. To you psych majors, when you split with a babe, the cause is something big. When you don't break up, it's not a big deal. So you're rationalizing here, pal. Why did you go to a party that Delilah was invited to? You just split up with her, didn't you? But it doesn't matter why she kissed another guy. You two are history, remember? If she dumped you, there's nothing wrong with her kissing someone else. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It just verifies the fact that you're finished." You shouldn't have taken Delilah to the airport. It was already over between you two. You broke up, she kissed another guy, so you should have had nothing more to do with her after your little closure date. It wasn't "our" spark you reignited, dude. It was your spark. So who are you kidding here? She might have led you to believe there was hope left, but you didn't have to be an idiot and believe her, did you? When a guy says he'll do absolutely anything for a girl, he's in big trouble. It means you'll give her your self-esteem and your self-respect. The problem is that the girl won't like you after you do that. But in this case, she told you that she was still yours. The sad part is not what she told you but that you actually bought it. Then Delilah went and had a good time with yet another guy. Why is she telling you about her romantic exploits with other men? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says,

"Hey, this is some classy broad you're in love with!" And you let it completely destroy you. But, hey, Chung, whatever you do, don't go and buy "The System" to get out of this mess. Whatever you do, don't do that because it might help you break out of this awful pattern. No, you go right on suffering the tortures of the damned! Why did Delilah spend three hours fighting this other guy off when she could have just walked away from him after five minutes? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Was she mesmerized by this fellow's rhetoric?" The point is that she really wanted to be there, guy. Yet you told her that you loved her, like a whipped dog. Chung, you might not realize it, but women don't dig whipped dogs. You should be insecure about being in a relationship with Delilah, buddy, because you're in love with a girl who has no integrity. Of course she's going to cheat on you when you're not around. What's the big deal? That's her track record. That's what she does. That's her M.O. Why are you trying to fool yourself? If you truly believe that she won't do anything when you're not around, you're really smoking some heavy dope, Chung. Your Interest Level is in the stars. You will rationalize everything this girl does. Until you pull your Interest Level out of the clouds and memorize my book, you will be living in hell and pain for the rest of your life. And now Delilah is leaving the country for two years. Think about it: Two whole years without you around to inhibit her. Hey, don't worry — I'm sure she'll be loyal! You might miss her more than you imagine, but she's not going to miss you. And if you're sorry for the sissy talk, don't give it to me. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "It's about time you grow up and be a man, boy!" What should you do? Forget Delilah and memorize "The System." But you won't do it. Delilah will keep playing with your head and you'll go along with it for the rest of your life because you are run by your ego and your high Interest Level. Chung, you might feel you're not good enough for Delilah, but you have it backwards: She's not good enough for you. On the other hand, maybe you're made for each other because you are using one another. What you two have is a sick arrangement. Remember, guys: When your Interest Level is too high, you won't be able to see her negatives.

When Should I Text Her? Hey Doc, I met Farrah, my best friend’s cousin, at a birthday party. I got her number and sent her a text three days later. We kept texting each other, cracking jokes and flirting. A few weeks later, we decided to have dinner and then go to a club with her friends. When we got to the club, we danced most of the night. We held hands going to and from the dance floor. One of her friends told me that Farrah had been talking about me, which made me feel good. When I took her home I opened the door for her and gave her a hug goodbye. I had the chance to go in for a kiss but decided to simply smile at her and wish her good night. Farrah asked me to text her when I got home since it was 3:00 in the morning, and she wanted to make sure I made it safely.

It Gets Complicated Here’s where it gets tricky. The next morning, I texted Farrah, asking her to tell her friends on my behalf that they were really cool. She replied that she would, and hoped that I had fun the night before. I texted her the next afternoon, and she didn’t reply. I sent her a good morning text a few days later, and she replied. Then I sent her more texts, and she replied to a couple, but nothing more. Eventually she stopped replying to my texts altogether. In two weeks, I will most likely see her at her cousin’s wedding. My problem is that I’m afraid that Farrah is not that interested or she might be playing hard to get. I have never had this problem with any of the other ladies I’ve met, and it’s killing me. I really like this girl, and I honestly care what she thinks about me. Doc, I’m also worried that Farrah might have heard that I had a fling with one of her cousins a few months back. What else could explain why she has not replied to my last text, when I told her that I’ve been thinking a lot about her and was wondering how she’s been? What should I do? I do not want to text Farrah anymore. I’d rather wait until I see her at the wedding to talk with her. Please coach me because I really like this girl. Leone - who has her on the brain Doc Love's Response Hi Leone, Why are you sending this babe a text three days after you met her? There’s no reason for you to be texting her. You’re not supposed to be checking in on her, especially right after you meet her. What you’re supposed to do is ask her out after you wait a week. Every idiot calls or texts a girl after only one or two or three days. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re supposed to separate yourself from the flies.” But you don’t know how to do that because you don’t have the “The System.” Moreover, flirting and cracking jokes with Farrah is what you’re supposed to be doing face to face, not through texting. You don’t really know what her reactions are to anything because you can’t see her. And going to a club with Farrah and her friends is a group date — a big nono — so you’re making mistakes all over the place. Why is Farrah waiting for a text from you at 4:00 in the morning? You should have told her, “You get your sleep. That’s more important than waiting up until I text you.” Don’t get into the habit of texting, period. But what did you do? You turned right around and texted Farrah the very next morning. Dude, no communication with this girl! Don’t you get it? To you Psych majors, too much communication kills challenge. You have to get the girl into the habit of wondering where you’re coming from, wondering when you’re going to call. You have to be an enticing mystery to her. You are taking that out of the equation with Farrah entirely. But then you went and texted Farrah again. Leone, she’s not texting you, and you’re texting her all the time. Why are you chasing this girl? You should have just asked her out, not texted

her every five minutes. This is an enormous mistake. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, you got a bad case of text-itis.” You have to stay away from the telephone and email and texting if you want to get somewhere with a girl. And you don’t do all that stuff in the early stages of a relationship. You only do it when she’s already your girlfriend. When you see Farrah in two weeks at her cousin’s wedding, she’ll be in the arms of another guy who doesn’t text. She’s not playing hard to get — she’s simply not interested in you. Think about it: Why would she be interested in someone who’s all over her like a cheap coat? I’ve got news for you, Leone: women don’t play hard to get. They go strictly by their Interest Level. But if they have low interest in you, then they do play hard to get because, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “They don’t want to be got.” Guy, Farrah thinks nothing about you. The reason she didn’t reply to your last text where you practically declared that you’re completely in love and obsessed with her is because her Interest Level is not as high as your Interest Level, that’s why. What should you do? For starters, never text another girl you date. And number two, find a new girl. You say you don’t want to text Farrah anymore, but you never should have done it in the first place! You might really like this girl, but she doesn’t really like you. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Remember, guys: When they like you, they help you.

When To Move On Hey Doc, I’m a recent rebound for my high school sweetheart. Dina was married to her now ex-husband for 12 years, and she recently divorced him. We started dating while she was separated. She still loves him and isn’t ready for a committed relationship with me, at least according to her. He still holds her heart even though she knows better than to go back. Dina and I were seeing each other for about eight months when I dumped her because I was getting the impression that she wasn’t being honest with me. Turns out she wasn’t. She missed her husband, but I forgave her for kissing him. I truly didn’t want to end our relationship and asked her to take me back. She did, because she either missed me or was using me. Dina has since dumped me because I grew too needy, jealous and lost my sense of self-worth and value and smothered her, becoming that wimpus americanus you talk about. Since she was considering going back to her husband, I grew even more desperate to make her see that she shouldn’t. She’s having a hard time dealing with life with four kids as a single parent, and the way the children are handling the divorce is making it tougher on her in sticking with her decision to leave him. She feels that she’s hurting her children for not at least trying with their father.

She says she doesn’t want to hurt me because she’s not ready for a replacement husband and doesn’t want a stepfather for her children just yet. Plus, she doesn’t have the time for a relationship since she has four kids and goes to school. She says that I deserve a better person than her. Unfortunately, I feel differently. I’ve loved Dina since high school. I’ve had other relationships and even a marriage and divorce, but I’ve always missed, loved and wanted this woman. My friends and family tell me that I’m a good man, that I deserve better and that she’s dirt. My question is this: Should I move on or can "The System" help me pull this thing out of the gutter? Just today we talked and Dina told me she loved me. I’m a lover and not a fighter, so the whole “alpha male” thing comes unnaturally to me. Dina has low self-esteem because her husband is the “macho” type you talk about in your book. He was very controlling and possessive in her marriage, so now it seems she can’t function without that. She feels the need to explain to him everything so that he doesn’t blow up, and they aren’t even together. And, of course, my jealousy and insecurity has only lowered her Interest Level. I’ve no doubt that if I could get Dina to see me again and progress S.L.O.W.L.Y. that I could bring Challenge and raise her Interest Level. I bought “The System” some years ago, and the book had been collecting dust until recently. It has actually brought me some modicum of relief from the pain of rejection. I just wish I had reread the damned thing at the start of dating her instead of moving so fast. The way you present your advice shows respect of women, and I know this woman has some issues, but I’ve no doubt that things can be wonderful given time and patience. Calbert - who can’t live without her Doc Love's Response Hi Calbert, Why were you dating Dina when she was married? To you psych majors, you don’t date women who are separated — because they’re still married. You date women who are divorced and have their paperwork completed and in order. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What you’re doing here is muddyin’ the waters, boy.” And if she’s not ready for a committed relationship with you, then why are you with her? Dina wasn’t being deceptive with you, pal. On the contrary, she was being very honest with you. She missed her husband. What’s wrong with that? You forgave her for kissing him? Calbert, he’s her husband! She can kiss her husband — because it’s her husband. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not her husband. And Dina’s not lying to you if she told you that she digs her old man. She’s being up-front. You’re trying to make her out to be some kind of liar, when you’re the one who refuses to face reality. On the other side of it, you’re dating a married woman with four kids and a husband and homework, not to mention all kinds of scars and baggage. What sense does that make? When Dina told you that she didn’t want a replacement husband, she was telling the truth, but you paid no attention to her. Dina is not dirt. She just happens to be a married woman, that’s

all. She was trying to get the truth across to you from the beginning, and you refused to listen to her. Can “The System” help you now? Guy, if you’d memorized it, you wouldn’t be in this mess right now. That said, you should move on. Being an alpha male doesn’t have anything to do with anything. In my materials I don’t teach you to be an alpha male or Macho Boy. I teach you to go after women who are available. Big difference, and one has nothing to do with the other. If you know that jealousy and insecurity are not the way to increase a woman’s Interest Level, why do you continue to exhibit them? Because you haven’t internalized my material, that’s why. Progressing slowly and raising Dina’s interest now is impossible. You’re dreaming, Calbert, if you think anything of the sort will work. Hey, I’m shocked that my book has been collecting dust on your bookshelf! Of course I’m glad that it’s helped you deal with the pain of rejection, but imagine what it could have done for you if you’d committed it to memory when you first bought it. You would never have gotten involved with this woman and saved yourself an enormous amount of pain and anguish. Moving fast wasn’t your problem, buddy. This woman was not available. That was the core problem. Time and patience aren’t going to do anything at this point because it’s too late. It’s nice that you’re sympathetic about Dina’s problems, but she doesn’t just have normal issues. Like my cousin General Love says, “She’s flying more red flags than the People’s Republic of China.”

Dating A Coworker Hey Doc, I’ve been a self-sustaining individual most of my life. I left home early, made my way through college, joined the Army, started a consulting career, and then finally settled in Edmonton, Canada, at the age of 29. I haven’t built much experience with women other than one-night stands, so I’ve nursed delusions of grandeur and tried to find “the one girl” who I’ll live my life with. I met Megan at work. She’s a stunning girl who has many of the same interests as me. And so began three months of me turning into an available, sensitive, nice, weak, giving, pays-foreverything dummy. After all of that, she began to act weird and distant, even though I gave her everything she wanted (I know, Doc — I can picture you shaking your head right now). So she dumped me, of course, and I spent a week whining and crying. After that I realized that she ended the relationship because I lacked the skills to keep her from the start. I began my search for knowledge and stumbled on your book, “The System,” and everything started to make sense. I even met some very willing women the same week by using techniques straight from your book. I knew I’d found gold and quickly ordered your other materials in order to acquire more of your wisdom. Doc, I need some immediate coaching. When Meg broke up with me, she used the words “friends,” “respect” and “nice guy” a lot. She also asked if she could still call me to talk and

get advice. I made it clear I couldn’t be her friend and told her I was removing all traces of her from my cell phone and social sites. Now it’s been a while, and she’s tried to strike up small talk at the office and mentioned that in a couple months I’ll get over it and we can be friends again (this was something she read in a dating article). Doc, Megan is a stand-up gal and I still think she’s pretty cool, but I failed to keep her Interest Level up and lost her. What do you think is going on with this girl? How can I keep her from becoming my buddy without causing problems at the office or being a jerk? Gavyn - who wants to learn at the feet of the master Doc Love's Response Hi Gavyn, You shouldn’t feel bad about your weak history with women. Most guys are like you. You worked your tail off and got your act together in life for the most part, all of which is commendable. But at the same time you should have had my book when you were 18 or 19 so you could have been studying women for the past 10 years. Instead, you’re pushing 30 and just getting started on your real education. You're selfdeprecating when you describe how you acted with Megan, but you’re being too hard on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a Giver and there’s nothing wrong with paying for everything. But if you’re too available and weak, that’s another issue altogether. Being too available and weak is terrible. Those characteristics are the ones that are going to cause you to come up short with women. Megan acted weird and distant with you because you turned her off, guy. You might have given her everything she wanted, but you didn’t give her what she needed, which was challenge. When you say you “lacked the skills to keep her from the start,” it’s the best and most interesting thing you brought out in your letter. Because that’s what my materials do for you — they help you keep a woman. Ninety percent of the guys out there can get a woman to fall in love with them, but how many can actually keep them in love? And that’s where the problem lies. You’re right about my techniques — they are gold, but most men’s egos won’t allow them to see it when it’s right in front of their eyes. Or they’re just too lazy to change. It’s fine that Megan used the word “respect” to refer to you. But when she uses words like “friend” and “nice guy,” it’s the kiss of death. They are horrible words, and you know why, because you’ve read my book. If Megan calls you for advice, maybe she can set you up with one of her good-looking girlfriends. Did you think of that? Of course you should have deleted all traces of her from your cell phone, but you didn’t have to tell her about it. Why are you pouting, Gavyn? Do you think Megan’s going to like you more if you toss a hissy fit and insist that you can’t be her friend? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “What are you, a baby?”

Whoever wrote the article claiming that you and Megan could be friends again after she showed you the door is dead wrong. Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Rejection is forever.” To you psych majors, people are emotional and they don’t forget. What do I think is going on with this girl? Nothing, as far as you’re concerned. She just wants to waste your time, that’s all. How can you handle Megan’s presence around the office without being a jerk? First of all, you’re not a jerk, Gavyn. Nowhere in your letter did you act like a jerk. You’re not built that way. Secondly, you don’t want to be Megan’s buddy. When you encounter her at work, just smile, say hi and keep walking. Then, like my buddy Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Go and flirt with all the other girls in the place and make them laugh.” Remember, guys: When it’s over, it’s over.

She Is Busy Hey Doc, I’ve been working with Amy for several months. At first we talked very little but joked around from time to time. We work for a bank, and she’s an assistant manager and I’m a loan officer, and we’re not really supposed to interact much. She started coming over to my desk and spending a half hour to an hour talking about music, careers, etc. I mentioned to her that I usually don’t hang out with people I work with, but she invited me to see a band with her and her friends. However, something came up, and I couldn’t make it. Since then, she still comes over to my desk, but I asked her out a couple of weekends ago, and she said she would let me know. She didn’t, but apologized later and said she was sick. I tried again and she said she couldn’t because she had to pack for a vacation. Then I saw her at work, and she acted very flirtatiously with me. I’m confused because I feel that my invitations were rejected. How much time does it take to pack, right? Well, Amy came back from vacation this week, and she called me and asked how I was doing. Again, I’m confused. Doc, I’m definitely not smothering this girl by constantly texting or calling her — even though I’m tempted. I’m not sure if she’s just being friendly or not. I found out that Amy has an ex-boyfriend who she apparently still talks to, but I always hear her say she’s single. Thank you for your coaching and point of view. Selwyn - who can’t figure her out Doc Love's Response Hi Selwyn, You first mistake was spending all kinds of time yakking at your workstation with Amy. You should have said “I’d really like to talk to you longer, but I’m busy.” And you should have said that even if you weren’t busy. You’re spending way too much time with this babe at work. You should be talking about all these subjects with Amy when you’re on a date with her. Give her five minutes and then go back to your work. One more thing: Everyone at your job is watching how much time you’re spending with Amy when you should be working. Like

my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You think it’s worth it to lose your job over some chick?” But you told Amy that you don’t hang out with people you work with when she asked you out. Now, why in the world would you bring up a negative? Even if it’s true that you don’t like to spend time with people you work with — which is actually a lie because you did spend lots of time on the job chitchatting with Amy — you never bring up a negative with a girl you want to date. You just keep your mouth shut and let her ask you out. So why are you telling her what you usually do or don’t do? You’re supposed to be a Challenge, not sit there and give out information. To you Psych majors, information goes to the woman on a need-toknow basis. As soon as Amy told you she’d “let you know” about going out and then apologized for being sick, you were out. Use your common sense, guy: How can Amy be sick for two weeks in a row? Why can’t she just pick the phone up and say, “I’m sick right now, but let’s make our date next Thursday because I know I’ll be feeling OK by then?” That would take all of 20 seconds, wouldn’t it? But she didn’t do anything of the sort. What does that tell you, man? Next, Amy couldn’t go on a date because she had to pack for a vacation. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What did she have to do, fill up two Bekins vans?” Is that why she was so busy? Again, what does this flimsy excuse tell you, Selwyn? But after Amy blew you off a few times, she turned around and acted flirtatiously with you. Great! Just what you need — inconsistent behavior. But it’s true that your invitations were rejected. So you shouldn’t be confused because the bottom line is that Amy rejected you three or four times. Packing for a vacation isn’t an issue in itself. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The problem is that this honey has higher interest in packing than she does in being with you.” Amy might have come back and flirted with you, but all it means is that she likes to flirt but doesn’t like to date — you. So now she’s being consistent. That’s all she does with you — flirt but not date. You shouldn’t be smothering any girl, my friend. You’ve asked Amy out several times, and she’s turned you down and never counter-offered, so you know where you stand beyond the shadow of a doubt. The only good part is that she asked you out initially, though you couldn’t make it. But when you look closely at that situation, it wasn’t really such a hot offer after all because it was a group date, which is a no-no. Maybe it was better that you didn’t go out with Amy after all, especially now that we’ve seen how she treats you. She doesn’t care about you at all, dude. Amy’s ex-boyfriend is a non-issue. Of course she has an ex-boyfriend, pal. What girl doesn’t? So, in this case, he doesn’t have anything to do with anything. The point is that Amy’s actions — not going out with you when you repeatedly asked her — are speaking volumes. Remember, guys: If she keeps coming up with excuses, you have her mixed up with somebody who cares.

Overweight Girlfriend Hey Doc, I’m finding myself less attracted to Kelly, my girlfriend of a little more than a year and a half, and am not sure what to do. She has gained weight over the past six months or so, and is probably about 20 pounds heavier than she was when we met. Now she’s around 165-170 on a 5’6” frame, and our romantic life has suffered as a result. Kelly is a bartender at a restaurant, so she’s on her feet and very active at work. But she works 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. during the week, and rarely has time to eat at work. So we eat rather large meals when she gets home, around midnight. By the way, I’ve put on a few pounds myself due to this lifestyle and could stand to lose about 10. And we often get fast food, as most decent eateries are closed late at night, plus Kelly wants to unwind after work and not cook. She’s also big into wine, and we usually split a bottle four or five nights a week. I am equally concerned, if not more concerned, about Kelly’s lack of effort. I try to run a few times a week, but she hasn’t made an effort to work out lately. She’s 37 (I’m 29), so she claims her metabolism isn’t as good anymore. Or we sleep half the day away before she goes to work. Unfortunately, I’m laid off at the moment, and she wants to lie in bed until noon every day because she says we won’t have this opportunity when I go back to work. I tell Kelly we need to get up earlier and get active, but it never happens. I was even an employee at a fitness center a year ago and got her a free gym membership, but she never went. She hates the gym because “it’s just a meat market,” and she feels too fat to go in there. Doc, I’m not sure what to do. Kelly and I have decent looks, are attracted to each other facially, are great together intellectually, her family is good and they like me, my mom loves her, etc., but lately I just find myself focused on younger and slimmer girls. Having two major colleges nearby doesn’t help. How do I take the correct approach to getting Kelly to lose some weight without major emotional consequences, or perhaps worse as far as our relationship is concerned? Thanks. Gyp - who doesn’t want a tank on his arm Doc Love's Response Hi Gyp, Well, for starters, your girlfriend should be 6’6” instead of 5’6.” Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s not fat; she’s just too short.” You two shouldn’t be going to bed on a full stomach. Serve Kelly a huge salad before she hits the sack. It will fill her up, but it’s 90% water. And if you’ve been packing on the avoirdupois, too, you have to learn to take care of yourself. You can’t criticize Kelly when you’re a blimp yourself. Instead of hitting fast food joints, you should be buying all of the food and doing the cooking — healthy cooking — at home. The number one rule is that you have to stay out of restaurants.

And why are you two drinking so much alcohol — which is full of calories — every night? Limit Kelly and yourself to one glass of wine per night if you have to have a drink. Better yet, skip the booze altogether! If Kelly is putting forth no effort to shed weight, take her with you on your daily run. As an incentive, build her up. Convince her she looks really great in her workout outfit. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Tell her that when she perspires, she’s dropdead sexy.” And as far as her metabolism is concerned, Kelly is speaking a half truth. This babe is too young to have it become totally sluggish. So while she’s older than you, it’s a bad excuse. Gyp, you shouldn’t go along with lying in bed half the day. The reason being active never happens for you is because you’re not making it happen. If Kelly doesn’t want to move, go ahead and exercise without her. The bottom line is this: If she doesn’t want to go to the gym, it simply means she doesn’t want to lose weight. That’s your problem. She’s making any excuse possible to get out of being healthy, and you should be with a healthy partner. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She ain’t in shape if she’s 5’6” and tips the scales at 170 — unless she’s a halfback for the Houston Texans.” The reason you’re looking at younger girls is because Kelly is a good deal older than you. It would be better if she was a few years younger, of course, but the age difference would be OK if everything else were perfect. But everything else isn’t perfect. Kelly needs to lose 30 to 40 pounds. She’s got some work to do. Having colleges around doesn’t help, for sure, but what are you going to do — run off and find yourself a 19-year-old? What should you do now? Compliment Kelly’s good traits. Don’t mention her flab. Talk about how fantastic she looks in her jogging attire. But when she refuses to go to the gym because she’s overweight, remind her that getting rid of those extra pounds is the reason you’re going to the gym. And what does the gym being a meat market have to do with anything? She’s in love with you, so why should she give a hoot if some guy looks at her? What Kelly’s reluctance tells me is that she’s just rationalizing — she’s fighting you tooth and nail on the issue of losing weight. Gyp, your girl is not interested at all in slimming down. And, if that’s the case, how can you sustain your relationship? Remember, guys: If she doesn't want to help herself, there may be nothing you can do.

Lack Of Interest Hey Doc, I really enjoy reading your articles, and "The System" has saved me with women so many times. I’ve been seeing Rain for about two months now (about 12 dates). We met online, and I have seen her probably once, sometimes twice a week. She’s a great girl, very Flexible, very Giving, and when we are together, it would be hard for it to get any better. At first I saw all the signs of rising interest. She was doing all of the touching, inviting me to meet her friends, texting me constantly, asking me to hang on the weekends, etc. I knew I was doing something

right. Of course I stuck with "The System," and although I’ve had a few slip-ups, I have consistently remained a Challenge. Three weeks ago Rain told me she had bipolar disorder. She says she really likes me but is changing medications and could start acting differently, or “flaky,” as she put it. I let her know I understood and she just needed to be open and honest with me about everything. I told her when she needed space to be upfront with me. After that conversation, things remained the same for about a week. I could tell her Interest Level was in the 80% to 90% percent range after the first 10 dates. But the last two weeks or so, something felt different. The problem is that I’m not sure if it’s her bipolar disorder or if she’s losing interest. She is very hot and cold with hanging out and talking to me. Often she doesn’t respond to me for a few days, but then we will hang out and she is all over me like before. It’s very confusing. She even broke a date, but then a few days later wanted to get together. I’m having a tough time dealing with this. I have not stopped being a Challenge, and all I can do is be understanding. I really like this girl, and we have a great time together, but this up and down roller coaster of emotions is making me reevaluate the situation. I know that bipolar disorder is for life, so I’m not sure if I should wait it out until Rain figures out her new medication, or just move on with my life. I am curious to know what you would do in this situation. Chappy - who doesn’t want to get blindsided Doc Love's Response Hi Chappy, When Rain tells you that she might start acting flaky because she’s on new medicine, she’s either telling you the truth about her condition or she’s telling you that her Interest Level is heading south. It’s one or the other. But the more important thing here is that it doesn’t make any difference whether bipolar disorder or a lack of interest is causing the change in Rain’s behavior toward you. The only thing that matters is how Rain treats you. If she treats you badly because of her mental disorder or because she’s losing interest, you have to get rid of her either way. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “No matter how you rationalize it, reality is reality.” The fact that this woman is alternatively indifferent toward you or all over you like a cheap coat also doesn’t matter. She warned you ahead of time that she was switching medications and that there might be negative consequences. But again, the problem is that we don’t know whether the resultant erratic behavior is her meds talking or if she’s not interested in you anymore. But let me ask you this question, my friend: Do you really want to put up with this bad behavior? It’s true that if Rain gets and stays on the right meds, she might be all right and act normally. But is that what’s really going on here? Or is she selling you something for some reason? We don’t know. And that’s why in "The System" we have the bottom-line factor. To you psych majors, in abiding by that all-important principle, all doubt is eliminated about

what to think and do when it comes to a woman because you only look at her actions. And that’s all a man should ever use as a barometer of a woman’s Interest Level. But not only did Rain run hot and cold with you and not answer your messages and calls, but she went and broke a date with you. What does that tell you about her, Chappy? What excuse did she use for not showing up? Where was her counteroffer? Like I say in my book, if she breaks a date, she’s out. And like my cousin General Love says, “You have to have a zerotolerance policy for broken dates.” If Rain’s bipolar condition is forever as you say, you have to come to grips with the question of whether you want to be with someone who has such an affliction for the rest of your life. People have done it, so it’s possible to exist with it, but what are the rewards? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If this babe treats you like a yo-yo now, can you imagine how she’ll treat you in another 20 or 30 years?” One more thing, Chappy. On account of Rain’s condition, for the rest of your life, you won’t ever know whether it’s her illness talking or low Interest Level when she treats you badly. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Do you deserve to live with such a terrible uncertainty?” And there’s also this to consider: It does not necessarily follow that someone with an emotional disorder is going to mistreat her boyfriend or husband. What would I do in this situation? I would pass on Rain. Remember, guys: If you date someone with a long-term problem, it will become your problem.

She Has A Long-Term Boyfriend Hey Doc, I usually don’t solicit advice on these matters, as I have generally been pretty successful in my endeavors with women. However, I just graduated from college and joined the working world, and dealing with women in the real world is much different than hitting on a drunken college coed and taking her back to your place for a one-nighter. Here’s my situation. I met the most amazing girl, Lila, in one of my classes during my last semester in school. We hit it off almost immediately. We would study together and flirt constantly (touching, teasing and so on). We would text flirtatiously almost every day and during class. After a month or so, I overheard her say that she had a boyfriend of eight years! She never revealed this to me directly, and I suspect she didn’t want me to know. After I found out about this boyfriend, Lila began to express to me that she wanted to be single and was becoming increasingly annoyed with him. I would try my best to avoid these conversations, saying I didn’t want to talk about her boyfriend. Once school ended and we both graduated, we stopped texting each other and lost contact for a few months. Soon I will be moving to the same city where Lila lives. I waited to see if she would reinitiate communication over the past couple of months, but she hasn’t. I sent her an instant message the other day, and we started talking about our new jobs and joking around again. We then

realized that we would soon be neighbors in the same city! She told me I should contact her when I move in so we can get drinks. Doc, I really want to see this girl and hopefully get things going again, but at the same time I don’t want to fall into the friend zone or pursue her too desperately or quickly. As far as I know, she is still dating her boyfriend. Keep in mind she is 23 years old and started dating this guy at age 14 or 15. This girl is amazing, and I am no home-wrecker, but I want to make her mine. How do I raise Lila’s level of attraction without being too needy or available? How do I approach the boyfriend situation? Even though I haven’t known her long, this girl has caught my attention and is completely worth the effort. Tirell - who needs a strategy Doc Love's Response Hi Tirell, You might be “pretty successful” in your endeavors with women, but that’s not good enough. The objective is to be successful with women — period. And if you had “The System,” you would know how to do that. But you don’t and that’s why you’re groping blindly for a strategy. You shouldn’t have been studying and flirting with Lila. It was a huge mistake. You should have been dating the girl, not touching and teasing her. But since you don’t have my book, you don’t know that. And all that flirtatious texting was likewise a mistake. What you were doing here, Tirell, was slaughtering Challenge. Then you found out that Lila has a boyfriend of eight years. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Wow, this girl is going to pick up the Integrity of the Year award for sure!” Of course she didn’t want you to know that she has a boyfriend of nearly a decade. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Why should she open her mouth? She’s got a dumb boyfriend, and now she’s got a dumb college guy throwing himself at her.” I’m sure Lila is annoyed with her boyfriend, but not quite enough to get rid of him, right, Tirell? What does that tell you? Nevertheless, you shouldn’t have avoided conversations about this other guy. You should have told Lila to give him another chance. “Stay with this guy. You’ve been with him for eight long years, and he sounds like a great fellow.” That sort of thing. The point is to use reverse psychology on her. But, again, since you don’t have my book, you don’t have a plan of attack. When you say that you lost contact with Lila for a few months, it means that neither of you dug each other very much in the first place. To you Psych majors, you don’t just suddenly “lose contact” with a girl. Tirell, you don’t do what you and Lila were doing together, then all of a sudden just disappear. If two people really like each other, they don’t lose contact for months on end. So this thing is over. The reason Lila didn’t reinitiate contact with you is because she’s not interested in you. That’s what you don’t get here, dude. But, hey, when she told you that the two of you could have

drinks when you move to her city, maybe she’ll be like the college coeds you had no problem scoring with. You say you want to get things going again with Lila. “Again” is the problem here. For two months, this babe disappeared and didn’t care enough to be in touch with you at all. She probably didn’t give you a second thought because she was involved with her boyfriend. So what chance do you really think this thing has of taking off now? Tirell, you already put yourself into the friend zone by pursuing Lila too desperately and quickly. Heck, just by going after her when she has a boyfriend means you went directly into the friend zone. And if she started dating her boyfriend at age 14, it means he has a lock on her and you have no chance whatsoever. You might want to make Lila yours, but nowhere in your letter do you mention how crazy in love with you she is. And you’d know from reading my book that the most important factor in any relationship is the woman's interest level. So that means it’s over. How can you raise Lila’s level of attraction? Start by asking her if she’s gotten rid of her boyfriend when you get together for drinks. Tell her that when she does, you’d be glad to see her. Then give her your phone number, walk away and don’t have any contact with her whatsoever. Until her boyfriend is gone, you’re just spinning your wheels. My friend, you should be chasing women who are available. Lila is not available. Nor do you know how much she digs you. So, like my cousin General Love says, “You’re really in a bad, bad position here, soldier.” Lila might seem worth the effort to you, but you’re not worth the effort to her. Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.

Dating Stages Hey Doc, I’m just entering the dating scene for the first time. I’m only 18, so it’s all pretty new to me. Luckily, I discovered "The System" recently, and I really feel like I’m getting the hang of it. It seems to me to be a great book and that you really know what you’re talking about. Not too long ago I went to a party where I met Amanda, who was a friend of a friend. We did some flirting with each other, so I asked for her (home) phone number and got it. I waited several days and made a date with her for the next weekend (at Starbucks). As far as I can judge, it went well. That was about two months ago. Every week on Wednesday or Thursday I call Amanda to set up a new date. It’s been the same ritual every week. Then we go out on Friday or Saturday to the same places and the pattern is repeated ad nauseam. I’ve tried to vary the places and activities and events, but on my meager budget it’s hard to get beyond the basic or do anything too fancy. Doc, my question is this: What now? How long is this weekly dating ritual supposed to last? How long can Amanda and I keep doing the same things? Even I’m getting a little bored. What is the next stage of a relationship? What in the world am I supposed to do at this point?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Benno - who’s run out of ideas Doc Love's Response Hi Benno, First of all, thanks for your compliments on “The System.” Now let me explain something to you. Starbucks dates aren’t for Friday and Saturday nights. Coffee dates are for Sunday through Thursday, and you have to make sure to mix the days up. When you say that you’re calling Amanda on the same day every week to set up new dates, it tells me loud and clear that you’re not really reading my book and memorizing it like you’re supposed to. The Dating Dictionary gives very specific instructions on setting up dates. To you psych majors, you don’t call to make a date on the same day every week — it's monotonous and kills Challenge. You have to change things up and phone the girl on different days. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “In order to keep a babe’s interest alive, you have to keep her a little off balance.” So instead of calling her like Swiss clockwork, wait between five to nine days, then ask her out with fresh ideas for things to do. When you say it’s been the same ritual every week with Amanda, it means that you’ve fallen into a pattern, which soon turns into a rut. You have to break the pattern up, just like it says in my book. Again, it tells me you haven’t memorized it, dude. If you say the pattern with Amanda is repetitive, then you shouldn’t be asking her out for the same days every week. Ask her out for a Sunday one week and a Wednesday the next. Break the pattern! Then ask her out for a Tuesday, and then for a Thursday. You have to move things around. You are the problem here, Benno. Amanda’s not the one asking you out for the same days over and over — it’s you imposing the pattern on her. What is there to do on a date? You have to get hold of the Thursday paper in your city or town. There you’ll find all of the free things that are going on that week. You’ll find free concerts, you’ll find museum exhibits, and you might even find a boat or car show. There’s always the zoo. There are lots of inexpensive things to do. And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “If she really digs you, you don’t have to try to impress her, dawg.” If you live in any decent-sized metropolitan area, there are hundreds of activities. There are probably scores of restaurants that are all different from one another, and most won't cost an arm and a leg. You just have to find them. How long is the dating ritual supposed to last? It lasts until Amanda asks to be your girlfriend. But you still have to vary your dates with her. You can’t keep on doing the same things, Benno. That’s a recipe for trouble. You’re getting bored because you have no originality, guy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re not able to think on your feet.” Talk to your buddies. Talk to your sister. Ask them what to do with a date. When you talk to someone on the street, say, "I have a new girlfriend, and she likes to go to different places — what’s the best place in town to take a girl?? They might give you a tip like Chuck’s Barbecue, where all the wait staff

wears cowboy hats and fake guns and they sing country songs. So find out what’s happening in your city. There are plenty of unusual and free things to do — but you have to make an effort and dig them up. The next stage of a relationship comes after six months of dating, only if you haven’t picked up on any red flags. But don’t worry about what stage you’re at right now, Benno. If you’re on the verge of falling into a rut already, you should be concerned with keeping things fresh and finding new places to take Amanda so she doesn’t get bored and lose interest in you. That’s the problem you have to solve right now. Remember, guys: Instead of taking your girl to where everybody else goes, find someplace new and different.

Why She Broke Up With Me Hey Doc, I’m having a confusing and frustrating week due to my breakup with Scarlett. I’m 27 and she’s 21, and we’ve known each other for five years, but we’ve only been dating for two months. I admire your coaching, and I intend to buy your book. Before dating me, Scarlett had a four-year relationship that she broke off because she felt that it wasn’t going anywhere. We clicked completely and found that we shared lots of interests, had great chemistry, cared for one another, and pretty much were compatible in every way. The problems began when I was invited to her aunt’s house for dinner. Scarlett showed up late and acted extremely cold to me. This was a side of her I never saw before. I kept to myself most of the night because I felt stranded in an awkward position. Finally she sat me down in a secluded room and told me that she was breaking up with me because she couldn’t see a future for us. She threw in that I don’t motivate her enough and she felt that we were going to end up being lazy, fat people on the couch. (By the way, neither of us is overweight, and I go to the gym faithfully.) She then commented that we are not compatible and that nothing can fix it. I told her I wasn’t accepting that answer because she wasn’t making sense. She then commented that I was the greatest but she’s not, and that I should find someone else. My heart was broken. After about a week I sent her an email asking her to clarify the reason she suddenly broke up with me. I told her that I was willing to work on any issues we might have if she’s willing to and that I felt that we really had something awesome going. I asked her to think about it and to get back to me. Through mutual friends I know she didn’t go back to her ex. A few days later Scarlett replied that she just felt we weren’t compatible but gave no reason why. She added that maybe we could be friends again or possibly go back to what we had. Doc, I’m totally lost. Our relationship was great. I kept Scarlett interested, I wasn’t needy and I didn’t see any compatibility issues. I really like Scarlett and would love to continue dating her, but I just don’t understand her point of view. Is she still hung up on her ex? Why did she suddenly turn cold on me? Is she confused about what she really wants in a relationship? Am I the problem? Why couldn’t she have talked to me about these issues before breaking my heart?

Gibby - who feels like crying

doc love’s response Hi Gibby, The first problem you’ve got is that you’re involved with 21-year-old girl. And if you knew my book — which you don’t — you’d understand that between the ages of 18 to 22, girls fall in and out of love every five minutes. You should be dating a 24-to-27-year-old. When Scarlett froze you out at her aunt’s house, you should have just walked out. You should have thanked the lady for her hospitality and hit the bricks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Once I’m dissed, I walk.” When Scarlett announced that she saw no future for the two of you, you should have said, “You know, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” and added, “We had a great run.” Then you should have got up and walked straight out and never talked to her again. Then, most importantly, you should have immediately gotten my book — which you don’t have, and which you just “might” buy — and figured out why Scarlett dumped you. Scarlett is afraid that you and she will end up being lazy, fat people on the couch? And I thought I’d heard them all! But neither of you are out of shape, so if what you’re saying is true, what Scarlett claims has absolutely nothing to do with the breakup. What she’s not telling you is that you lowered her Interest Level because you didn’t use the principles in my book — that’s what she’s really saying to you in Womanese. You lowered Scarlett’s Interest Level gradually over time and then she had to come up with an excuse to get rid of you because women don’t come right out and tell you that you lowered their interest slowly. They have to come up with something that doesn’t make any sense, like, “We’re going to be lazy and fat in our old age.” Again, you would have figured this out if you had “The System.” And so your heart was broken — but even then you didn’t buy my book. What does Scarlett have to do — drive a bulldozer through your house before you realize what’s going on, before you catch on that she doesn’t dig you? Now let me get this straight. You sent this girl an email asking for clarification why she deep-sixed you? That’s begging, Gibby! Why are you on your knees? Don’t you get it — you’re out. Scarlett’s in the arms of a new guy and you’re begging by email? You might think that you had something awesome, but the truth is that you turned this girl off over a period of time. This is what you’re not getting. Like my cousin General Love says, “Disasters don’t just happen overnight.” And why are you blabbing to mutual friends? They’re going to cover for Scarlett, pal. How do you know that these mutual friends are telling you the truth about what’s really going on? To boot, they can’t wait to tell Scarlett that you’re begging on the side! (By the way, Gibby, don’t rush out and get my book. You wouldn’t want to do that. It’s better for you to remain in pain and misery than realize all the mistakes you made to turn this girl off!) Scarlett told you there was a chance you two could go back to what you had? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The chance that she’ll take you back is about as good as you gettin’ hit by lightnin’!” My friend, you might not have seen any problems whatsoever with Scarlett, but you didn’t have my book. And because of that you were not reading all the signals and you couldn’t keep her

interested in you. In your mind she was interested in you, but you didn’t use the techniques in “The System” — which you might just get around to buying in a couple of years. It doesn’t really matter what Scarlett says about what happened between the two of you. The only important point is that she doesn't want to be with you. You’re out, guy. And none of this has anything to do with her ex. It only has to do with you. She didn’t turn “suddenly” cold on you. She’s been thinking about getting rid of you for a while. She’s not confused at all about what she wants in a relationship. You’re the one who’s confused. Scarlett knows for sure that she wants to get rid of you, and you’re confused about what you did to lose her and how to get her back. So, yes, Gibby, you are the one who’s the problem. What happened has nothing to do with Scarlett or her ex or your mutual friends. Know why she couldn’t talk to you before breaking up? Because women don’t do that. They just say au revoir. That’s also explained in my book, which you’re thinking about buying sometime in the future. Remember, guys: You might think you just got dumped today, but you were on your way out before you realized it.

Does She Like Me? Hey Doc, I really like Melody. She is absolutely beautiful. We met when I was 17 and she was 15. At the time I felt she was too young, but now I’m 30 and she’s 28. We only seem to bump into each other at mutual friends’ funerals, and I didn’t think it was right to pursue her at the funerals out of respect for my departed friends. But I can’t stop thinking about her. Off To A Good Start We exchanged numbers a few months back and said we would meet up. She told me she was single and I want to believe her but find it hard because she is so nice and stunning in every way. We eventually got together but didn’t really have a plan since we were both feeling pretty fragile from a funeral the previous evening. So we just drove around and talked, and ended up going to a movie. She was being really tactile as we walked down the street, holding my arm as I held the umbrella. It was really romantic walking in the rain with her and she was giving me plenty of signals, and I felt a real connection with her. When I drove her home we kissed in my car, then I walked her to her door and we kissed again. I texted her that it was really good to get to know her more, and that I was looking forward to seeing her again. I don’t pressure this girl at all and try to always keep the conversation light and funny. I try to stay a Challenge by not always returning her calls immediately. She's Ignoring You Now, what happened was, some time ago, I asked her what she was doing for the weekend and she said she was going away for a week to Europe. I wished her a good time but haven’t seen her since. This was a month and a half ago, and although we have spoken once or twice a week on the phone or texted since she got back, she has never set a date to meet again. There was a period of two weeks when she didn’t even answer two of my phone calls or texts. I deleted her number because I am not a chump who will chase a woman who doesn’t want to be chased. Finally I sent her a message on Facebook: “Why the silence? Have you lost your

phone or something?” She immediately texted me that she was sorry for not calling, her uncle had passed away and she was all over the place, getting drunk, etc., and not getting back to anyone. We have spoken once or twice since, but I don’t know what to do now. Am I wasting my time? Is Melody interested in me at all? How can I find out if she likes me the way I like her? Fish - who has it bad Hi Fish, Wow, man, your friends must live a hard life if they’re all kicking the bucket at 30! It’s not like you’re all 80 years old or something. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dawg, you better take it easy or run with a different crowd!” You might find it hard to believe that Melody is single, but it doesn’t matter one way or the other. When you use the principles of "The System," you cut right to the heart of the matter. You call the girl up and ask her out. If she says yes, she digs you. If she says no, she doesn’t. Simple as that. Always Have A Plan You shouldn’t be going out with Melody right after a funeral if you are so affected by it. To you Psych majors, you should be upbeat and positive when you’re out with a woman. And driving around and talking and drifting into a movie theater isn’t a date. It’s only a weak excuse for one. You’re not organized at all, pal. You should have had a plan with Melody. The whole idea behind my book is to have and follow a game plan. So apparently you don’t have my materials. You might have felt a connection to Melody, my friend, but the important question is whether or not she felt a connection to you. Or was she just crying on your shoulder because a good friend cashed in his chips? Kissing Melody all over the place was an error. You shouldn’t be smooching this babe when you’re coming out of a funeral. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You don’t make time with a woman at a funeral. It’s not kosher.” Then you started talking about the future and how you’d like to see her. Tell me something: Why isn’t Melody texting and phoning you? Why are you doing all the pursuing? You don’t know the first thing about Challenge, Fish. But you claim that you didn’t pressure Melody. No, you just tell her how much you like her, that’s all. And while you might not return her calls immediately, you’re blowing Challenge in other areas. She's Not Into You - Here's Why Now let me get this straight. You were making out with Melody, then she split to Europe for a week and you didn’t see her for a month and a half. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Oh, yeah, this chick is really gone over you!” And by the way, she isn’t supposed to set the date to meet again. The man is the date-maker. Again, it’s obvious that you don’t have my book.

Now let me ask you this: What does it tell you that Melody doesn’t respond to your messages for two weeks? Well, it must mean that she can’t afford the time since it would take 20 whole seconds out of her life. That’s a lot to ask a person. It’s like giving someone a book and asking them to read it. Wake up, Fish! But you swear that you’re not a chump and a desperation chaser. Dude, you’ve been chasing this girl all along. And when you sent Melody that Facebook message, you were begging. Fish, don’t you think she got your earlier messages? You haven’t a clue, man. In fact, you’re the king of telephone blunders! But Melody had an excuse for not getting back to you: Her uncle died. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Does this babe come from a mafia family or something?” Yes, you’re wasting your time with Melody. You’ve been wasting your time for two months, guy. Melody is not interested in you at all. How can you tell if she likes you as much as you like her? Simple — by reading her actions, not her words. And like the old Chinese saying goes, “Her actions speak volumes.” Remember, guys: If you leave two messages and she doesn’t call back, you’re out.

Dating And Kissing Hey Doc, I’ve recently started dating again since my last relationship ended this summer. I live in a city with a great ratio of hot women to men, and opportunity abounds. I am no expert with women or in dating them, though. That’s why I turned to “The System” and your weekly columns. I can say that it’s been helpful, but I do still have problems. Here’s my situation: I’m in my mid-20s, and lately I’ve been dating a very beautiful, independent and successful woman, Ashley, who is much older than me. She is definitely a hot cougar! I believe I’ve done a great job with Challenge and see all the signs that point to her Interest Level being over 50%. My problem is that I am failing to make an intimate connection with her, and I’m afraid that she will start to throw me into the friend zone. We have been on four dates and only twice have we pecked each other on the lips. That’s when I dropped her off at home and said goodbye. I’m growing desperate to make a connection with her, and fear it may already be too late. Each time we do “peck,” Ashley backs off. She says she’s extremely nervous, then quickly explains that she’s not used to dating and kissing. It’s the first time in a couple years she’s dated since breaking up with her ex. When I get home, I get a text saying she had a great time, looks forward to seeing me and is sorry for being so nervous. Doc, what can I do to make Ashley more comfortable with me on our next date so that I can kiss her, or do I just wait for her to make the move instead? Sergio - who is a terrible kisser Doc's Response Hi Sergio,

First of all, you have to immerse yourself in “The System.” Only then will you really get it. To you psych majors, it’s like being great at anything — you have to work really, really hard at it. Perfection calls for complete dedication. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A., says, “Do you think Tiger Woods got to be Tiger Woods overnight?” But what the heck are you doing with a cougar? Cougars don’t look for long-term relationships with young guys. For them, you’re strictly a physical diversion. My friend, you should be dating someone your own age or a little younger. Think about it. Is Ashley dating you just because you’re young and good-looking? What’s her reason for hanging with someone so much younger? What this means is that you have to be on top of your game, Sergio, and that means knowing my techniques inside and out. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When she’s got all the experience, you’d better know what the hell you’re doing or you’re gonna get burned.” MISSING SECOND PART!!! http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_800/803b_dating-and-kissing.html

Betraying A Friend Hey Doc, So, I’m at the club last night, the booze is flowing, everyone is feeling good, and I’m getting my groove on. I recognize Lourdes, a friend I went to college with, so I say hi, and we start dancing. The next thing I know, we’re in a cab heading to my place. Things are about to get physical when she brings up our mutual friend and her ex, Bill. She says, “Did you know that Bill and are back together?” Obviously, I did not know — I wouldn’t have been barking up this particular tree if I knew there was a monkey already up there. So, I tell her, “No, I didn’t know that,” and I immediately stop progressing with her. Now Bill, besides being Lourdes’s ex-boyfriend, is a truly loyal friend and a stand-up guy. I’ve been burned before by women in the past, and I wouldn’t betray his trust if this woman says she’s involved with him. But let’s just say I had every opportunity to — all it would have taken was one kiss, touch, move, etc., and Lourdes would have forgotten all about Bill and I would have had her. In fact, that’s exactly what she said. She was inviting me to do just that. Doc, a couple of things strike me about this situation, and I can’t wrap my head around them. First, I’m not surprised that Lourdes would be willing to cheat, because I know that’s exactly what people do. But I’m wondering why Bill didn’t come up in the club, on the ride to my place or any point earlier than when we were about to get really romantic. Secondly, am I freakin’ nuts here? I could have had Lourdes, and it might have meant betraying a friend, but let’s say I didn’t know the guy. Should I have given a damn? What I’m asking is, where does integrity play into this situation, or some other similar one? I know myself; I am not a cheater, but it’s difficult to reconcile the opportunity I had with Lourdes and the morality I displayed. Third, and I think most importantly, is that I’m resisting the urge to feel jaded about women after this, but it’s tough not to. It feels like the more I stand fast to my principles, the less success I’ll have. I need a new way of understanding this situation, because the whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Cooper - who is still scratching his head Doc's Response Hi Cooper, Notice when Lourdes brings up the fact that she and Bill are back together? Not when you’re dancing or ordering too much sauce from the bartender. She brings it up after you’re already both in the cab back to your place. Why is she only doing it then? You have to ask yourself this question. To you psych majors, this is highly inconsistent behavior. What does my book say about inconsistent behavior? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I gotta figure you have a loon on your hands.” It’s obviously a no-brainer that it was good that you stopped getting romantic with Lourdes as soon as you heard her mention that she was back with Bill. Not only because she’s a whack job, but also because it’s best to wait as long as possible to get physical with a babe, and you don’t want to get physical on the first date. Guy, you have a great buddy here in Bill. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Men are really goofy when it comes to their women.” In other words, whether Lourdes is his ex or not, Bill still has some kind of emotional involvement with her. So the fact that you put a stop to the action with her was smart not only because she’s a loony tune but also because you don’t want to screw up your relationship with Bill. I don’t give a hoot what a guy says about his ex. He might say he’s done with his woman, but he’s not really done emotionally. He might put on a tough front, but on the inside there are still emotional bonds. So, you can never go merely by words in this sort of situation, Cooper. You say that you know that people cheat, but what you really mean to say is that some people cheat — not everyone. Why didn’t Lourdes’ relationship with Bill come up at the club or any point earlier than when you two were about to get physical? Because, like I said, Lourdes is a whack job. And, ultimately, because she wanted to get rid of the “guilties.” Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The longer she kept her trap shut, if something bad went down she could blame it on you.” She didn’t want to take responsibility for her actions if she went further, dude. Yes, you’re nuts because you are reacting to nothing but a large amount of alcohol and you’re reading way too much into this situation. You can’t take this thing personally, pal. You have no track record with this babe. So, what you’re actually telling me in your letter is that you really dig Lourdes and you have all along. No, in this type of situation you shouldn’t give a damn if you don’t know the guy. Why should you care if you have no loyalty toward him? But like my cousin General Love says, “When he’s your good buddy, you can’t betray him.” Where does Integrity enter into the equation? If it involves a good friend, you don’t touch his woman or his ex. Regarding your morality and the missed opportunity, you’re putting some kind of guilt trip on yourself, Cooper, and, like I said before, you’re taking this situation way too seriously.

You don’t have to feel jaded, Cooper. The reality of life is that some women cheat. But other women wouldn’t dream of cheating if you gave them a million bucks. You have to find the latter kind. Your principles are a good thing to have, my friend, because you don’t want to be a success with unprincipled losers. You want to have success with one winner. If your Interest Level in Lourdes were 55%, you wouldn’t have a bad taste in your mouth right now. But you really like her a lot — that’s the problem. Getting physical for a night wasn’t the real bugaboo here; your high Interest Level was. Remember, guys: Don’t mess with your best buddy’s girl.

Date After Divorce Hey Doc, What to tell women about why I am divorced? I enjoy reading your column and it always helps me understand where I’ve gone wrong in the past in relationships. Well, I am now about to reenter the dating world after a 10-year marriage. One question that seems to come up right after women find out that I am divorced is, “What happened in your marriage?” I need help figuring out the best way to answer that question. In a nutshell, after seven and a half pretty great years (in my mind) with no fights and what others (including my wife at the time) called a great relationship and two young daughters, I lost my job, suffered a herniated disc and subsequently went into a depression. It was not a good time in my life. At the same time, my ex-wife took a really stressful job (which I suggested wouldn’t be good for her) that required a lot of travel, and one year later she began a relationship with a married man she met through that job. When it became obvious to me what was happening with this other guy, I confronted her. I got what most men get in this situation: a bunch of lies (he’s just a friend, she doesn’t love him, it isn’t physical, etc.). Then I got blamed for not supporting her when I lost my job. At that time, I made the hard choice to try to reconcile with her for the sake of my daughters. For seven months I unsuccessfully tried everything I knew to save the marriage before she chose to leave. Unfortunately, I gave up all my power to her, and my self-confidence and selfesteem has taken a big hit. Now, I have a very contentious relationship with my daughters’ mother, who is in a serious relationship with the now-divorcing man with whom she had the affair. She has also told all of our friends how happy she is, what a great guy he is and has communicated how little she cares about how her choices have impacted me and my daughters. It’s been tough to take. So I’m now moving on with my life, focusing on being happy as a single man. But just saying to a new woman “We grew apart” isn’t an honest story, and “My wife left me for someone else” isn’t a complete story. While the latter is ultimately what ended my marriage, I have chosen to accept my contributions to why our situation became so difficult (out of work, unhappy with myself, too accommodating, etc.) instead of just blaming her for her actions. Don’t get me wrong — I no longer have any respect for my ex-wife and realize that I didn’t pay attention to red flags she set off at the beginning of our relationship, but I am where I am. I’d like help coming up with an explanation to women that is honest but that doesn’t set off a bunch of red flags. I know I don’t have to go into detail, but I think that any woman I get

serious with will learn much of the story in the future, so I don’t want to set myself up for a future trust issue in a new relationship. So what should I tell people? Carter - who wants a fresh start Doc's Response Hi Carter, You’re concerned with answering questions from new women when you don’t even have any idea how to date since you’ve been in a 10-year time warp. So, first of all, before you worry about anything else, you have to get my book and memorize it. Otherwise, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’ll be condemned to repeat the sins and errors of the past.” You say your ex-wife blamed you for not supporting her when you lost your job. But where was her support for you? When you were down and out for a while, why didn’t she stand beside you? And taking a job with lots of travel is no excuse whatsoever for infidelity. You say that you tried everything to save your marriage, but you make no mention whatsoever of “The System.” My book is the only thing that could have helped you, pal. So you really didn’t do everything to save your marriage, and you certainly didn’t do the most important thing, which was to memorize my book. Of course your ex doesn’t care about the impact the divorce has had on you, but what about her daughters? She doesn’t care about them at all, and that’s who she should be concerned with first and foremost. Your ex is having all kinds of fun with this new guy she met on her job, but what about her kids? That’s who she should be thinking about, not him. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “That was some good woman you married, boy.” What should you tell the new women you meet about what happened in your marriage? Say that your wife was a real nice girl but that it just didn’t work out. And that's it. To you psych majors, you’re not supposed to be open with every personal negative detail in your life. But, again, you’d know that if you had “The System,” Carter. You say that you don’t want to set up a field full of red flags when you meet new ladies, but the truth is that you will as soon as you say that you’re divorced. The women you date in the future are no doubt going to ask you why your marriage went sour. But again, all you have to tell them is that your ex was a very nice lady and that you have two beautiful daughters with her. Then change the subject. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You don’t have to lay some kind of heavy trip on yourself just because you’re divorced.” But before you go off and rush straight into rejection again like most guys do, get a hold of and memorize my book. It’s your only protection from having your life ruined all over again by another failed relationship. Ask yourself this question, Carter: “Do I really want to go through this hell again?” Remember, guys: You should be honest, but you don’t have to lay it all out there.

Cheating In Relationships Hey Doc, A little over a month ago, I discovered that my wife, Cherry, was texting a former co-worker on a regular basis. When I confronted her, she protested that they were just friends and she was bored and he was someone to talk to. She said that if it bothered me that much, she would delete his number and no longer talk to him. For two weeks Cherry lied, told me that I was crazy and that she and this guy were just friends. One night when I was at work, I discovered that she had backed up her iPhone on my laptop. By luck — if you want to call it that — I was able to recover three texts from this other guy that were suspicious. Bluffing her with these texts, I was finally able to get her to admit that she had had an affair with the guy. Let me back up a bit. Cherry and I have been together since 2006. I have cheated on my wife, and she knows about it. We have two young children, but I have not cheated since we became pregnant with our first child. Now back to the present. When she admitted to cheating, I did the two things you should never do: I got drunk and asked for details. She said that it happened only one time with this other guy, and that it was a horrible experience both physically and emotionally. She said that she tried to block it out of her mind and that she only continued to talk to him because she does not have a lot of female friends and that he initiated the conversations. She said that the affair came up in conversation with him recently when he asked if they could ever do it again. She told me that she told him that she loved her husband too much to make the mistake again. I asked her if she had any feelings for him, and she said none whatsoever. Doc, I am by no means perfect, and our relationship has been rocky at times. Cherry has gone through some very difficult times within the last few years. She also admitted to me the other night that she has always felt that I had married down and that she was always insecure about what other people thought we were doing together. I have never felt this way and have always considered myself lucky to be with her. Anyway, we have begun the healing process, and I have forgiven Cherry. She has apologized again and again and has had no contact with the other guy. Our relationship is like it was when we first fell in love. So here are my questions. I love Cherry and believe that she loves me. Should I just let go of wanting to know everything that really happened between her and this other guy and move on? Is it possible she has told me the entire truth or did she have feelings for him? If she wanted to be with him, wouldn't she have just left me? Any coaching would be appreciated because I am driving myself crazy! Jed - who can’t seem to forget Hi Jed, When Cherry tells you that she’s bored and needs something else in her life, what she’s really saying is that she’s bored with you. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be talking to you — assuming, of course, that she’s telling you the truth about what’s going on. And since she was cheating on you and denied it only to admit later that it was true, you don’t know what to believe, do you?

It’s very sad that Cherry admitted that she had an affair. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband and the father of her children.” But then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Since you cheated on her, Cherry might have cheated on you just to you to play catch up with you. She’s thinking, why not even the score? Like the great Doctor Freud once wrote, “Never underestimate the power of a woman’s resentment.” The only thing you’ve gotten right so far is that a man should never get drunk and ask for details. And if you believe for even a second that it happened only once between your wife and this other guy and it was horrible, I’ve got some swampland in Georgia that I’d like to sell you. Now let me get this straight, dude. If Cherry doesn’t have many female friends and has to talk to someone, why is she talking to a male? What sense does that make? You mean to tell me that she doesn’t have a single woman friend to confide in? I hope you busted her on that one. You should have been talking about stuff like marrying below your station before you got hitched to Cherry. And you should have told her that you felt lucky to be with her. Forgiving Cherry is not the problem. The real issue is this: Has she forgiven you? And you have to remember that the relationship is like it was when you first fell in love only in your mind, not necessarily in hers. Jed, I certainly hope that Cherry loves you like you believe she does, otherwise you’re in even bigger trouble than you are in already. Yes, you should let go of wanting to know all of the gory details of how she cheated on you and betrayed you and committed adultery. You have to, because of the kids. The chance that your wife told you the entire and complete truth about what happened with this guy is about 50%. The other 50% is that she had feelings for him. Wouldn’t she have left you if she wanted to? She has two kids and a house, so come on, guy. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Just because she wants to play in the hay doesn’t mean she wants to leave the barn.” Remember, guys: When a woman commits adultery, it’s always her fault.

Her Ex Is Texting Hey Doc, First, I just wanted to say how much I love "The System." I bought it after a few failed relationships in which I got the short end of the stick, and it’s really made my dating life a lot better. Your book is amazing — you seem to have a category for every possible situation that can come up in a relationship, or even casual dating. I thank you for your brilliant insight. On to my question: I’ve been dating Kristara for about six months now. We started things very slowly since I was busy studying for my medical boards when we met, so it was a convenient excuse to rebuff some of her advances when she asked to hang out. Things continue to go smoothly between us. I never discuss my feelings for Kristara, but I always treat her with respect, I keep things exciting, and I remain a Challenge at all times and in all respects.

The problem is that Kristara has an ex that has started reaching out to her again. He hasn’t said anything serious to her (yet), but he texted her this past weekend at midnight on a Saturday, when we were out at a bar with some friends. She told me right away, said it was really odd that he got in touch, and says she hasn’t even bothered responding. These are all signs of a trustworthy woman. Doc, the issue is that I’ve had this problem before in relationships. Exes always seem to find a way to mess things up and pull at the heartstrings of the woman I’m dating. I have no reason to worry right now, but I also want to make it clear to Kristara that if her ex continues to contact her, and she starts responding to his texts, I’m not OK with it. It’s clear to me that he has a motive if he’s texting her at midnight on a weekend. Any idea how I should approach this sensitive subject? Vittorio - who doesn’t want the other guy on his mind Hi Vittorio, The beauty of "The System" is that whether you just want to casually date and practice until you master all of its precepts or you find a “keeper” and want to make a relationship permanent, everything you need is contained in its pages. Now, Vittorio, let me compliment you on how well you handled Kristara at the beginning of your relationship. You did everything right, my friend. You took it nice and slow. You ratcheted up mystery and Challenge by parrying Kristara’s eager come-ons. In other words, you didn’t rush straight into rejection like most men do. As a result, you got this thing off the ground and have kept it in the air — so far. Regarding the ex who got in touch with your girl when you two were out having a good time, keep in mind that while you think he didn’t say anything serious to Kristara, the fact is that you don’t know what he said to her. It’s the fact that he’s contacting her at all that’s the problem. So you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. But what is annoying is that Kristara felt compelled to tell you in the first place all about this test message. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This is where some women are stupid.” Why didn’t she just delete the message and not even mention it to you? Did she think it was going to raise your Interest Level? Well, it didn’t. Lots of women like to talk about their exes when their exes take a hit at them, and it’s not smart and it’s not good. All blabbing about her ex does is make the new guy — you — feel uncomfortable. So this is where the real problem lies when it comes to blasts from the past. That said, Kristara’s ex getting in touch with her should not be blamed on her. This happens to lots of women when they move from one guy to another. Again, the issue is that Kristara had to tell you about what happened. Now in one sense this was OK because she was being open and honest with you about what’s going on. That she did not respond to the text is likewise admirable. And if you have six months of a track record with Kristara, then you have to trust her that there’s nothing more to the story.

Again, unenlightened women bring up exes. And that’s why you feel exes have damaged your earlier relationships, Vittorio. But don’t get too heavy-handed by telling Kristara what you’re OK and not OK with. Because then you’re being too uptight and you’re giving out ultimatums. That stuff doesn’t work, and you’ll know why if you’ve read my book. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, just keep quiet about what happened and hopefully the problem will go away on its own.” But you have to watch like a hawk and listen like an owl when Kristara talks about this guy so that you’re always tuned in to what’s happening. And whatever you do, don't tell her what to do. To you psych majors, you want Kristara to get rid of this guy on her own. Of course Kristara’s ex has a motive when he texts her on Saturday at midnight. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “He’s drunk and he’s lonely and he has a phone in his hand — what else would you expect him to do?” How should you approach such a sensitive subject? Keep your mouth shut about it. Remember, guys: If she has a good track record, you have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Killing Challenge Hey Doc, A month ago I met Shara, who works as a massage therapist at my spa. (I work at the coffee bar a floor below.) Throughout the month, we talked about past relationships and our family and friends, and we discovered we see eye to eye on many topics. Of course, being an idealistic, hopeless romantic type, I find her incredibly charming, warm, attractive and loving, and naturally fell head over heels for her. It was my impression that Shara was sending messages my way, implying that I should ask her out. For instance, she asked my opinion on what dresses look good on her and other things, and I’m the only man who works with her who has broken the touch barrier. After one day of playfully hanging out on the job, I asked her to be my date for a work event where we would enjoy the music of a fellow employee. She replied yes, but a couple weeks later she gave me the "Friend Speech." She said she doesn’t date coworkers and she saw our date as only something between friends. At the time I wasn’t expecting much because she just got out of a nasty breakup with her former fiance and is still dealing with the baggage that comes with it. However, I still have feelings for Shara, and I want a shot at a relationship with her. I’m going to try to enjoy the night of partying with her and all of my other coworkers, but I’m lost on how I can possibly turn her interest in me into something more intimate and long-term. So far, I know that Shara values my opinion, trusts me, thinks I’m funny and enjoys my company, so I’m curious to know how I can make her become more than my friend and possibly end up the woman of my dreams. I forgot to mention that I’m 25 and Shara’s 29, so she has plenty of experience with relationships and men. During the “Friend Speech,” she said, “I’ve had my heart broken too many times now,” if that means anything. Thanks in advance. Nat - who wants her to keep touching him

Hi Nat, As soon as you started blabbing to Shara about everything under the sun, you made a huge mistake. You should be doing your talking to this woman on your first date. Worse, you told her everything! To you psych majors, you shouldn’t be sharing everything with a woman before you date her. You’re giving away the store before you even go out with her. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re putting the cart before the horse, boy.” And as the great philosopher Voltaire wrote, “The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.” Being a hopeless romantic tells me that you’re a loser with women, Nat. It’s OK to have strong feelings toward a female, but when you open your mouth and act on them, you're killing challenge. I’m sure you feel Shara is warm and attractive and loving and all the rest of it, but they’re your feelings. The only important point here is whether or not she’s falling head over heels in love with you. Shara may have sent you messages and hints that you should ask her out, but it doesn’t mean anything whatsoever. You shouldn’t be answering her messages and hints anyway. What you should have done was answer her face to face. You should have told Shara “We’ll talk about all this stuff on our first date.” That way you could have put a stop to all your yakking and blabbing. Again, you gave away all kinds of information about yourself and you hadn’t even been on your first date. Dude, everything you’ve already told Shara should have been spread out over the next four or five dates. But that’s not going to happen now because you already told her everything there is to know about you. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’d make a terrible undercover agent.” So you’ve already shot your wad, my friend. Look at it this way: there’s no reason for Shara to go out with you because she knows everything there is to know about you already. There will be nothing new to find about you on a date, so for her there’s no point. Likewise, it doesn’t mean anything that Shara asks your opinion about what she wears. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She asks her brother the same thing.” Nat, when you ask someone from work out, nobody at your place of employment should know what you’re doing. Now you’re escorting Shara to a work function, which is a group date, and that’s a no-no, as you would know if you read my book, which obviously you haven’t. The reason Shara gave you the “Friend Speech” was because she found someone better than you who knew how to keep his mouth shut. She made a date with you, but told you that it was just friendly because she found someone else who was actually interesting. Shara might have said that she sees your fake date as something between friends, but if you looked like Brad Pitt she’d forget about that in a heartbeat. And let’s get something straight. You were expecting a lot from her. You’ve had the hots for her ever since you set eyes on her, so don’t lie to me. And how do you know what kind of baggage Shara is lugging around? What are you, her psychiatrist? Did you sit down and have five sessions with her? You might want a shot at a relationship with Shara, but there’s no chance of that now. You blew your shot when you got yourself relegated to the friend zone. So it’s too late to turn this into anything more intimate and long-term. Just forget it.

Shara might like you and enjoy your company and trust you, but not on a romantic level, and that’s the crucial difference. Whatever happens between you and Shara is all just on a friendship level. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re just her girlfriend.” And that’s all you’ll ever be. Why? Because you’re a hopeless romantic. You’ll hit the lottery before you end up with this babe, Nat. Shara does have some experience with relationships. And you don’t have any, judging by your letter. When she told you that she had her heart broken too many times now, it didn’t mean a thing. She was just talking to her girlfriend — that’s you. Remember, guys: when she says you’re just friends, she doesn’t dig you and you’re out — or worse, you were never in.

Low Interest Level Hey Doc, I’ve been following your articles for a few years now, read "The System" about nine months ago and have tried to apply it in my dating life, but have come across an issue I’m not sure how to handle. I’ve tried to put the book and your articles together and come up with a solution, but I seem to be falling short. I’ve known Debbi for four years (we work together), but she was married and I was, too. Two years ago we began talking on the phone frequently and flirting. The flirting became more serious and led to a romantic relationship. During this time, she was still married and I had been separated from my wife for a couple of years. In hindsight, it might not have been the moral thing to do, but everything seemed right at the time. At this time, Debbi lived in a different city. When we talked, she explained that she wasn’t happy in her marriage and was looking to get out of it. Time passed and she did get out of her marriage and moved closer to where I live. Her Interest Level in me was in the 90s, and I was trying to control myself and keep mine down in the 70s. When Debbi first moved, things were great. There was affection, intimacy and everything was incoming. Then, all of a sudden, Debbi started distancing herself and said she was going through emotional turmoil because she moved, started a new job and left her husband. She said she didn’t have proper closure. I tried to use your principles the best that I could, but we broke up, as I didn’t want to play second fiddle in Debbi’s life. The breakup was messy. We both got involved with other people for a very short time. Debbi eventually explained that her biggest mistake was that her separation and move were too much for her to handle and that she wasn’t thinking straight. She wanted to start again, with a clean slate on both our sides. So now we’re back together, but Debbi’s past is creeping back into her life and affecting how we interact. She has become inconsistent and not as attentive. She says she’s dealing with feelings of regret over her failed marriage, but doesn’t want to be with her ex. Doc, my question is this: how do I know where this girl’s heart is? Is it legitimate that she is going through emotional distress because of her split with her ex-husband and moving cities and I should cut her some slack? Or is her confusion just low Interest Level? Should I take her inconsistency as a warning sign and run? I’m at a loss for what to do. I like Debbi, but at the

same time I don’t want to get deeply into something that I know will probably fail. Do I have a chance here? How do I drive Debbi’s interest up and keep it up? Gallo - who is losing his grip Hi Gallo, Now let me get this straight. Debbi was married and you were separated from your wife. What that means was that we had two people committing adultery. What a great start for a long and fantastically happy relationship! Getting together with Debbi when you were both hitched certainly wasn’t the moral thing to do, and it wasn’t the right thing to do. So you missed on both counts, dude. Of course it “felt right” at the time. You were both high on high Interest Level. But you were both married, which means that what you did was wrong, wrong, wrong. Debbi had lots of excuses — a new job, moving, breaking up with her husband, etc. — for why things started going south between the two of you. Her excuses are either true, or you weren’t going by “The System”; it’s that simple. But the problem is this: Either way, the relationship is no good. That’s all that matters now. You didn’t want to play second fiddle in Debbi’s life? Gallo, you’ve been playing second fiddle from the day you started flirting with her at work! Then you had a messy breakup and got involved with other people. Hey, I can understand that. You wouldn’t want to go it alone and clear your heads! Better to go straight out and get mixed up with some other person! Makes sense to me! When you tell me that Debbi has become inconsistent and inattentive, I say unequivocally that it is because she has low Interest Level. You might want to believe that she’s confused and that this is a case of rebound, but it’s not — it’s low Interest Level. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When Liz Taylor dumped Eddie Fisher for Richard Burton, she didn’t have any feelings of confusion or regret whatsoever.” Where is this girl’s heart? Sadly, it’s not with you, my friend. Should you cut her some slack? She got rid of you, Gallo. You don’t cut slack for someone who got rid of you. You’re out with Debbi. You had two tries with her and neither one worked out because you’re not going by “The System.” And, again, it’s not her emotional confusion here that’s the issue; it’s her low Interest Level. Nah, you shouldn’t run from Debbi. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You should get on the first plane and leave the country.” You might not want to get into something with her now, but you should have thought of that when you started flirting with her at work. This thing was doomed right then and there, from the beginning. Do you have a chance with her? Yeah — one in a trillion. You can’t drive Debbi’s Interest up now because it’s below 50%. And that means it’s too late. Remember, guys: Until she’s divorced, she’s not available.

She Doesn't Want A Relationship Hey Doc, I was introduced to Lorrie at my university. She told me she wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was hurt and upset because I really liked her, but the feelings weren’t requited. I got mad and deleted her number and completely stopped talking to her. I felt misled and played because her roommate told me that Lorrie dug me, but I subsequently found that it wasn’t true. I talked to my parents about it, and both told me to get Lorrie out of my head, to just leave her alone. I did so for a while, but I missed hanging out with her. I told myself that if we progressed beyond being friends, it would be awesome, but I didn’t expect it to happen. After we started communicating again, she was totally different. She talked to me and texted me a lot. She wanted to hang out. She questioned me about my preferences for girls and what I wanted from a girl. She was really flirty and would play with my hair and rest her head on me. She was making the first moves and setting the pace. When she asked what I liked in a girl, I told her I liked when the girl sometimes made the first move. One night we were at her dorm, she took me by the hand, led me to her room and kissed me. Afterward, she said, “I know you like when the girl makes the first move.” It was as if she was trying to please me and convince me that she wanted something. For the next two weeks, we hung out three times and kissed. One morning I asked her if we were dating exclusively, and she said she wasn’t dating anyone except me, and she asked, “Where do we stand?” I told her, “I think we have the potential to have something really great.” Later that night, she called and said the following: “I haven’t had a boyfriend in over a year and a half. I was in a serious relationship then, and the guy cheated on me. It hurt me badly and scared me away from dating. I have a defensive wall. When I feel things are progressing past a certain point, I shut down. I don’t act flirty, I don’t kiss any more and I act standoffish. I really like you, but I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to waste your time. When you said we have potential, it scared me. I think we should stop kissing. I have feelings for you, and I feel like a coward for trying to regress, but it’s a psychological thing. I have to have a certain feeling about a situation that I just haven’t had with you yet.” Doc, it seems to me that Lorrie still wants me around. One thing that I’m concerned about is “the feeling” she hasn’t felt for me yet. Do you think that will occur over time? Do you think I should expect a relationship? Should I keep in touch with Lorrie? If so, should I let her come after me instead of vice versa? Or should I run the other way and never look back? Cazzie - who doesn’t know where to go from here Hi Cazzie, When a girl tells you she isn’t looking for a relationship, she’s telling you straight to your face in Womanese that she’s not interested in a relationship with you. But the male ego, being the devil that it is, makes you believe that somehow, through persistence, you can change a woman’s mind, which goes against the Reality Factor. And what did you do when you found out Lorrie wasn’t interested in you? You tossed a hissy fit. You pouted. It’s very mature to pout, Cazzie. Pouting is a very masculine trait.

Why did you believe Lorrie’s roommate that Lorrie dug you? Why would you rely on an outside source? Why didn’t you just go by Lorrie’s actions? That’s what you’re supposed to do, my friend. Like my cousin General Love says, “James Bond would never talk to a girl’s roommate.” You should have heeded your parents’ advice to get Lorrie out of your head, dude. Your folks are brilliant people. But you didn’t listen to them, and you dreamed about hanging out with Lorrie, even though she didn’t miss hanging out with you. Your parents saw reality, and you didn’t, Cazzie. You might have thought that it would be awesome to be more than friends with Lorrie, but she wasn’t your friend in the first place. She didn’t want to be around you. She didn’t want to have a relationship with you. To you psych majors, a woman doesn’t want to have even a friendly relationship with some guy she’s not interested in who wants to date her. When Lorrie flirted with you, she was demonstrating inconsistent behavior. She was bored and needed something to do, so she fooled around with you — that’s all there was to it. Maybe she even felt sorry for you because you were mooning over her. But it doesn’t matter why she flirted with you, because she doesn't really like you, and she doesn’t care if she hurts you. But I will give her this: At least she’s telling you up front that she doesn’t want to mislead you. But since your Interest Level is 100%, you’re grabbing at straws, like most guys. When you said you had great potential with Lorrie, it scared her because she has low Interest Level in you. If you tell a woman that you have potential when her Interest Level is in the 90s, she would say, “Yeah, you’re right!” But Lorrie doesn’t have Interest Level anywhere near that. That’s why her behavior is so inconsistent. And when she told you that she doesn’t have a special feeling for you yet, all it meant was false hope that you conjured up in your own mind. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “'Yet' means it will never happen.” But you still want to believe that Lorrie wants you around. Are you really that desperate, Cazzie? It’s absolutely amazing! Will Lorrie eventually get a “feeling” for you? Oh, maybe in about 3,000 years! Should you expect a relationship? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “I think you got a better chance of gettin’ hit by lightnin’!” Should you keep in touch with Lorrie? Yeah — if you like wasting your time and being tortured. Cazzie, you’re out with this babe. It’s all a waste of time. It’s over. Actually, it never even started. Should you run the other way and never look back? Pal, I couldn’t have said it better! Remember, guys: When a woman runs hot and cold, forget her.

Dating Friends Hey Doc, First of all, on behalf of all men, thank you for "The System." I have studied and practiced it and your Mastery Series for the past year with amazing results, and I am getting better at it

with experience. However, I have recently stumbled into a situation that I can’t find the solution to. This problem involves two attractive women in my college art class who are friends with each other. I’ll call them Leila and Layla. The class meets twice a week. During the second class, I noticed Leila looking at me from across the room while I was busy with a drawing. I caught her checking me out two or three times when I looked up from my work, and the third time she smiled at me. I smiled back and went back to my work. Later, I approached the professor for suggestions on improving my piece, and she suggested I walk around and look at the other students’ drawings for ideas. While passing by Leila’s and Layla’s tables (they sit next to each other), Layla looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back and kept on walking. During the next class, Layla smiled at me several times. Again, I smiled back and didn’t pay her any attention beyond that. At the same time, I kidded and made friends with the other students in the class in front of both Leila and Layla so they know I’m a fun and sociable person. I get attention from women in the class and notice that the two of them sometimes whisper and giggle while looking at me when I’m nearby. Now for the million-dollar question. I like both of these women, but how do I ask for their phone numbers and ask out both of them? Is it possible to date two friends simultaneously? We both know that women talk. I get phone numbers all the time and date attractive women so I’m not nervous about going up to and talking to women. The question is when and how should I approach these two? What do you say, Doc? Wilhelm - who’s intrigued by both of them Hi Wilhelm, Thank you for having the ability to set your ego aside and practice self-improvement. It sounds like you have definitely benefited from sticking with my principles until you made them work for you. And, remember, there is always a solution to any dilemma you face with the opposite sex inside the pages of my book. Now, it’s great that Leila is smiling at you in class. But hopefully she’s smiling at you not just because she’s being friendly, but also because she has high Interest Level in you. You make an excellent point by mentioning the fact that you are mingling and laughing with everybody else in class, and not just Leila and Layla. You want everyone to think that you are the class clown — that’s the whole idea. It demonstrates to both Leila and Layla that you are an easy guy to relate to, that you’re funny and that you won’t be mooning over just the two of them. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Women can’t resist a funny guy.” And what proves it is that Leila and Layla can’t seem to control their giggles when you’re around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Nothin’ beats a giggling girl.” It’s no problem to ask both of these babes out, my friend. Nobody ever said dating two people was wrong. The trick is to ask them out individually. When one of them slips out to the bathroom, or one stays late after class for a few minutes, that’s when you make your move. Then, the next time you get the opportunity, you hit the other one.

And here’s the key to the situation: You want both of these women to know that you asked each of them for her phone number. To you psych majors, you’re not going to be able to hide something like this, so there’s no point in trying. In other words, you have to go with it, roll with the situation. If one of these women says, “I noticed that you asked my girlfriend for her phone number,” you come right back with “Yeah, we’re going to have a little contest here to see which one of you two can win my heart.” In other words, you’re going to make a light joke out of the fact that you asked both of them for their phone numbers. To answer your next question: Yes, it’s possible to date two girls simultaneously. But it’s improbable. The point is this: You’re only going to end up with one of them, not both of them. So, like my cousin General Love says, “Let the two of them fight it out over you.” Wilhelm, the reason you’re fearless about approaching women and getting their phone numbers is because you’ve mastered the principles of “The System.” I’m proud of you. Most guys don’t have this ability. It’s amazing to me that every man out there doesn’t jump at the chance to become a devotee of my techniques and a master of my philosophy. They’d rather suffer, which is too bad for them. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “There is no suffering like that which comes from not knowing what you’re doing with women.” It’s like being blind and not knowing you’re blind. So as soon as either Leila or Layla disappears for a minute, you have to jump into action and get a phone number. And you have to stay mindful of the possibilities here. Maybe one of the girls has a boyfriend. Maybe both of them have boyfriends. Maybe only one of them is truly interested in you, and maybe the other isn’t. But you double your chances by going after both. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is a numbers game.” Remember, guys: Never feel apologetic about going after two women who happen to know each other.

Should I Wait For Her? Hey Doc, I have a dilemma here, and I’d like your coaching. First off, I’m 29 and Bristol is 32. We dated for six weeks, and I fell in love with her. Three weeks ago, she freaked out and sent me a bunch of texts saying that she didn’t want to date anymore and asking me to respect her decision. This was very confusing because we have great chemistry, romance, conversations with lots of laughter and much in common in terms of values and character. Her reason for ending the romance was that she was having some serious post-traumatic stress from an assault by a man. My response was to remain calm. I didn’t bombard Bristol with questions or texts the next few days. I did, however, start to feel resentful of her because I felt that she led me on. She showed all the signs of attraction: nervous around me, full attention and responsiveness, great touching and contact, and strong body language. I let her know I was upset and also that I thought she was making a mistake. We talked several times and she was rather emotional, and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about the relationship.

I tried hard to be Bristol’s friend for the past few weeks, but I can’t. Every time I see her I just want to touch her and kiss her and be close. A few days ago I told her I needed to put some space between us because I haven’t been myself at work and I need to move on. She sent me a long email that cleared some things up but confused me more on other issues. She described her post-traumatic stress in detail, said she thought about me all day long, and with every song she listened to, etc. All this was music to my ears, of course, because I feel the same way. However, she said she didn’t want to hurt me and said I had to do what was best for me. I am confused again by what she actually means here. A few of my friends say they think she may well want me to wait for her but couldn’t come right out and say it. I’ve decided to not contact Bristol for a week or two, then tell her that I will wait for her (I haven’t met someone I click with like this in a long, long time), but that I need to know if she even wants me to. Is this the right thing to do? If Bristol didn’t feel strongly for me, why would she send me a long email after I voluntarily moved on? Kris - who hopes she’ll take him back Doc Love's Response Hi Kris, You may have fallen head over heels for Bristol, but the really important question is whether she's in love with you. Why are you telling me about your Interest Level in her? Bristol’s Interest Level is the only thing that counts. And why are you saying “we” have great chemistry? What you mean is that you have great chemistry with Bristol. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If the two of you had great chemistry together, she wouldn’t be breaking up with you.” How do you know that Bristol has great values and character, in just six measly weeks? I doubt it, pal. Why are you feeling resentful towards Bristol? She wasn’t the one who led you on. You led yourself on by getting in too deep with her too soon. She might have shown all the signs of being attracted to you after six weeks, but she sure isn’t showing them now. Six dates and all that lovey-dovey stuff stopped. When she’s nervous around you and hanging all over you for six months, then you’ve got something. When you told Bristol that you thought she was making a mistake by dumping you, you were begging her to take you back. Where’s your pride and dignity, Kris? You’re unable to be Bristol’s friend because she doesn’t want you to. Worse, she doesn’t want you to be her boyfriend. What this means is that you’re out. Don’t you get it? You might want to touch Bristol and be close, but she doesn’t feel that way about you. But you insist that you’re the one who needs space. In other words, you’re getting rid of someone who already got rid of you. Gosh, dude, you’re really sharp! I see you memorized my materials! Let me explain something to you, my friend. Bristol doesn’t want you to wait for her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s telling you she never wants to see you again.” But since your Interest Level is in the stars, you don’t see it. You might not want to contact her for a week or two, but the truth is that you should never contact her again.

Guy, you might think you clicked with Bristol like you never did with another woman, but the reality is that she didn’t click with you, and that’s all that matters. To you psych majors, if she really clicked with you, she’d be with you. Is waiting for Bristol the right thing to do? No. She sent you that long email because she wants to assuage her guilty conscience, that’s all. But who cares why she sent it? It doesn’t matter. The point is this: Once a girl doesn't want to be with you, you have to move on. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

Moving Fast Hey Doc, I wish I had "The System," a couple weeks ago. I landed myself a “10” on my own and don’t want to screw it up. After reading a few of your columns while waiting for your book to arrive, I think I might be screwing up already. I met an old pal from college who told me that I should meet his friend Shana. I called her a couple days later, told her I was busy for a couple of weeks but would call again to set something up. I waited about 10 days, called her and we arranged a blind date. We went to a bar, had some drinks, danced and chatted for a few hours. She made me a bet, and both outcomes involved my kissing her. I did, and it was a really good kiss. In fact, we looked like most tools do at bars, making out in the corner for an hour. At the end of the night I said I had a good time. She said she did too and that she wanted to do it again the next day. My first mistake (I think) was that I said yes to it. We had lunch the next day. Afterward, she asked me to continue the date by going with another couple to a museum event. I agreed (second mistake, I think). We walked around, she held my hand, kissed me and asked to take a “couples/mugshot” photo with me. Then she asked me to go with her to a friend’s birthday party. At this point I said no. Around midnight she texted me and asked if I was still up because she wanted to stop by. I said OK, we spent a few hours kissing, and then she went home. On her way out she told me to call her. I called her two days later and set up a dinner date. At the restaurant she was smiling, laughing and dropping hints about the future. I walked her to her car, gave her a quick kiss (she wanted more) and walked away. About 30 minutes after the date Shana texted me, said thanks and that she wanted to make me dinner at her place. We set up a date for a week later. The next day she sent me a text saying she was going out the next night with some friends and asked me to attend. I responded that I was busy for most of the night but could meet her later. Within one week we will have been together four times and spent about 30 hours together. Doc, have I killed Challenge already? Is it too late to save this one? What’s the next move? Quinne - who’s afraid he’s moving too fast Hi Quinne,

You tell me you should have had my book a couple of weeks ago. But what you really should be saying is that you should have had it six or eight months ago. When you meet a “10” and then you get my book, you’re not going to be able to ingest all of my techniques and principles in only a couple of hours. Then it’s already too late to handle your “10” successfully. You have to read my book over and over and over again, and then meet the “10.” You’ll stand a better chance of not blowing it because then you’ll know what the heck you’re doing. And if you’d memorized my book, you would have known you shouldn’t have kissed Shana when she laid those bets on you. If you had controlled yourself, that would have been using challenge. Every other guy would have kissed Shana, but you should have told her, “No, since it’s only our first date, we’re going too fast,” and then given her a big grin like Jim Carrey would. And you shouldn’t have been making out for an hour with this babe either. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re giving away the store, paisan." But you went charging in anyway and agreed to lunch the very next day. Why in the world are you rushing this, Quinne? What’s the big hurry? Don’t get me wrong — I’m glad you met somebody you’re attracted to and that she likes you too and everything is perfect. But keep in mind that it’s only been perfect for one or two dates. To you psych majors, until you get to 10 or 12 dates with a girl, you can’t count anything. But like most men, you’re charging in. I want you to have all these fun times with Shana, but I don’t want you having them all in the first four days. I want the girl to walk away from you and think and ponder and wonder what you’re doing between those first dates. What most guys don’t realize is that when you’re out of sight and you don’t contact her and send her emails and tweet her all the time, you become a Challenge. And being a Challenge raises Interest Level. This is what no other love doctor but me understands. Going to the museum with other people is a group date, pal. We don’t do group dates. You should have told Shana you were sorry but that you had other plans. You should have put the brakes on this thing before it got out of control, which you didn’t do. I’m glad Shana’s coming at you hard, but you have to use the “N” word, and, dude, you don’t know how to use it. Shana’s friend’s birthday party was another group date, which you don’t know, because you don’t have my book yet. When she asked to stop by your place, you should have said no again. Guy, you should only be seeing this girl every other time she asks you out. Four times and 30 hours in such a short time are way too much too soon. No, you haven’t killed Challenge, Quinne. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’ve absolutely massacredit.” You’re not a mystery at all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re nothing but an open book. Is it too late to save this thing? It depends on Shana’s Interest Level. But here’s the problem — she’s a “10,” which means she gets hit on all the time. So when you see her too much, what happens is that you wear out your welcome and somebody else starts to look good to her. So far Shana hasn’t shown you any red flags, so you’re lucky, but just back off and try to see her only once a week until she asks you to be her boyfriend. Remember, guys: I want you to give away the store, but I want you to do it a lot later.

How To Work A Long-Distance Relationship Hey Doc, I’m a long-time reader of “The System” and your columns, and I follow them like the Bible. In general, I am most challenged by self-control (or lack of it), but everything else has been working out perfectly by following your techniques. I am in a long-distance relationship with Sarah. I know you say they don’t work, but I want to give it my best shot and hope you can coach me on how to do it. Sarah and I are both 22. We see each other every two to four months while she is in school (she says she will follow me wherever I go after she graduates). Her interest in me was through the roof when she came to visit me over Christmas. I could tell this by her actions since she devoted all her time to me and was super flexible and giving. She is the perfect girl according to your book, no red flags at all and a great personality, not to mention that she is very cute. I am willing to make this long-distance thing work because I do not believe it will be easy to find a girl as good as her again. Lately, I’ve not been reading “The System” as much as I should be. I’ve been getting sidetracked by listening to advice from girls who advise me to text and talk to Sarah more often, and I’ve been doing so. I know this is wrong, as you have mentioned many times that I shouldn’t be talking to other people about my relationship and that I have to be a Challenge. I am writing to you so that you can slap me in the face and point me back in the right direction. I know your book says not to get into a long-distance relationship, but since I’m trying to give it a good shot, I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for me. Sarah texts me or calls me at least twice a day, but there’s a 13-hour time difference, so sometimes it’s difficult. She tells me that she will not lose interest if I talk to her even more than I do now and I’ve listened to her, but over the past few weeks I feel like she’s lost a tiny bit of interest. What should I do? Ray - who wants to keep her Hi Ray, Most guys are faced with the challenge of practicing self-control. When they want to say or do something that will hurt their cause, they have to learn to control themselves. And most guys can’t do it. I’m going to help you in your quest to keep Sarah, even though you two are a 13-hour time difference apart and even though you’re breaking one of my premier rules. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It will be like trying to run a marathon while wearing a backpack stuffed with 25 pounds of rocks.” But long distance is not your only problem. Remember that Sarah is only 22 years old. To you psych majors, girls between 18 and 22 fall in and out of love in five minutes. Throw in the fact that she’s on the other side of the world and the odds against you just went up a few more points.

Sarah might say that she’ll follow you wherever you go when she graduates from school, but there are all kinds of guys hitting on her right now. When you don’t see a girl for between two and four months, you have to expect her to go out with her girlfriends. And those girlfriends are going to have boyfriends. And the boyfriends have buddies. And those buddies are going to go after your girl. If Sarah was 25 or 26 years young it might be different. But when you see her so infrequently — only three or four times a year — the likelihood that she will succumb to some type of temptation when she’s so far away from you is very high. The point is that it’s going to be tough to hold this girl. You can’t do battle for her from such a great distance. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s like being in a boxing match with one hand tied behind your back.” And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You fight with only one hand, and you’re gonna get knocked out, bro.” You might think Sarah is the only great girl in the universe, but your reasoning is off. You will find someone who is as good as Sarah again, and, more importantly, she will live closer to you. Ray, if you know that you are flouting my rules by texting Sarah and listening to the advice of other girls, why are you doing it? But you say that you want a slap in the face. OK, here it is: Read seven pages of my book every single night and hustle other women. But if you want to continue on this course, what you have to do with Sarah is set up regular times to talk to her, say three times a week. It’s the only way you can attempt to deal with the difficulties of a 13-hour time difference. As far as texting goes, I’m against it altogether. What Sarah is telling you is that you’re not talking to her enough. In other words, she’s verifying the problem with long-distance relationships. To boot, you have this inconvenient time difference. So you have to set up a regular phone schedule if you’re going to try to make this situation work. The problem is that it will kill Challenge. But since you’re trying to force a long-distance relationship, you’re going to have to break rules, which will end up hurting your cause. And that’s exactly the problem with long-distance relationships: They don't work. If you feel that Sarah has lost a tiny bit of interest in you recently, that means she’s lost lots of interest. Her Interest Level may have dropped from 95% to 82%, for instance, which means you’re down 13 points. And that means you’re on your way out. What should you do? Hustle other women. Don’t wait until Sarah burns you. Remember, guys: If you know that you’re doing wrong, why do you keep doing it?

How To Get A Girl To Like You Hey Doc, I’m attracted to Shannon, one of my sister’s friends. I’m not sure if she could fall for me since I’m 21 and she’s 24, so there’s an age gap. She quit school and works. I’m a junior in college studying electrical engineering and have no money. Once I graduate, I’ll have a good job and make a good income, but in the meantime I worry that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with Shannon financially since I’m not working.

The other night I went to dinner for my sister’s birthday because I knew Shannon would be there and I desperately wanted to make a move on her. When the night ended, I had made zero moves. What I did was set something up with her and my sister to go to a bar. Shannon also told me that one of her exes vomited on her mattress when he was drunk, so I offered to give her a mattress that I have locked in storage. So I did try to set up things for us to be together, but when we talk, I feel mostly zero interest from her. At other times I feel something, but I’m not sure if I’m feeling my own feelings or hers. Is she interested? I spoke with my sister on the drive home from the dinner and very casually we got into the topic of my dating one of her friends. She didn’t like the idea at all. She told me that if one of her friends liked me she wouldn’t even tell me because I’m her little brother. I hate being her little brother and I don’t want to be seen as such. Shannon has almost made me completely forget about my ex. I’ve had so much fun on the days when I’ve been with her. What can I do to get her to want me as much as I want her? If she likes me, what can I do to make that feeling grow? Finally, what should I do about my sister? Jimi - who is desperate for coaching Doc Love's Response Hi Jimi, The age difference you mention between yourself and Shannon is indeed a major problem. A 24-year-old woman does not want to go out with a guy who’s 21. Shannon is looking for guys her own age up to 30, 32. Throw in the fact that she’s out working a real job and you’re just a student, and that you’re her friend's kid brother, and it’s easy to see that you’re up against some stiff odds here because Shannon is not thinking about you romantically. Alternatively, if Shannon were really attracted to you, and you made her laugh a lot, the three-year age difference would disappear. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This is a real, real tough position to be in.” Jimi, you don’t have to worry about keeping up with Shannon financially. If she were really interested in you, going on inexpensive dates together wouldn’t be an obstacle at all. There are lots of free things to do in your town, wherever you live. In fact, going on cheap dates would be a very good test to see whether or not Shannon really likes you. So don’t pressure yourself about the state of your finances. You made zero moves on Shannon at your sister’s birthday party because your hands were virtually tied. With your sister there, how could you make a move on Shannon? You couldn’t very well put your arm around her and start cozying up to her in that setting. Technically you should have asked for Shannon’s phone number. Then, when she turned you down, you would have known that you were out forever, but the problem with that scenario is that she might have mentioned it to your sister, which would have been embarrassing, humiliating and ticked your sister off. Those were your only options, and they left a lot to be desired. Like I said earlier, this situation is very sticky.

Now it’s not 100% true that you didn’t make a move on Shannon. You set something up with her and your sister to go to a bar, which was a good, subtle move, guy. You didn’t come straight out and ask for her number, but like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You tried to work with what you had.” So I’ll give you credit for that, even though the bar get-together is technically a group date, which is a no-no according to “The System.” But since you’re coming from a really bad power position — actually, you have no power in this situation at all — you did what you could. How To Get Her To Like You Strictly speaking, the mattress you’ve giving to Shannon is a gift, another no-no according to my rules. However, in this case, because you’re coming at her as Shannon’s friend’s brother, it’s OK to donate it to her. It’s not like you’re giving her jewelry or flowers. Here’s what you have to do in order to stand even a ghost of a chance with Shannon. You have to dress sharply every time she sees you. You have to make her laugh. You have to make yourself look like a guy she could really want. The biggest mistake of your life was bringing up with your sister, even casually, the topic of dating one of her friends. Anything you tell your sister is going to go straight back to Shannon. Another reason you shouldn’t have brought it up is because your sister absolutely detests the idea. Your sister is wrong for not telling you that one of her friends might be interested in you, but she’s just protecting her turf. You might loathe being your sister’s little brother, but that’s the way she sees you. If Shannon views you the same way, you don’t have a sliver of a chance with her. What can you do to get Shannon to want you? You don’t have many options but to put on your best personality. How can you get the feeling to grow? Humor. As far as your sister goes, you’ve already opened Pandora’s Box with her, but don't tell her anything else. Remember, guys: If you don’t want to be perceived as your sister’s little brother, act like your own man.

Flirting While In A Relationship Hey Doc, I am 30 years old and my ex, Morgan, is 28. After dating for almost three years, we recently split. We had marriage plans and the whole nine yards. A year into the relationship I found out my mom had terminal cancer and had six months to live. I had to move in with my parents and quit my job to help take care of her. Morgan was supportive but worked long hours and could not always be there. Still, everything had been going great until I took Morgan to my friend’s birthday party and caught her flirting with a guy I didn’t know. I immediately escorted her to the car and told her it was over, but she screamed and begged, and I took her back. Now, I have flirted with countless girls while with Morgan and felt I couldn’t bring the ax down on her and end the relationship over one instance. But I also concluded that if she would do that in front of me, then God knows what she’s been doing behind my back.

Nevertheless, being out of work and dealing with my mom’s illness left me very insecure, and I started yelling at Morgan for looking at other guys and being very jealous in general. Finally, I told her that I needed space and maybe she should see someone else. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I sent her five emails stating that I made a mistake and was so stressed out over my mom and my unemployment that I pushed her away. She finally responded after two weeks and said we could be awesome friends and that she needed to figure out how to be “her” again and did not want to be pushed toward a reconciliation. I told her I was fine with that decision and did not contact her for three weeks. I finally broke down and called her several times but got no response. How can I get Morgan back? Do you think she is worth getting back? What would you do in this situation? Desmond - who is frantic Hi Desmond, Let me clear something up for you straight out of the gate. You and Morgan didn’t “split.” She dropped you. Big difference. And let me add that it was great that you sacrificed so much to take care of your terminally ill mother. That is what you’re supposed to do. The reason that Morgan flirted with a strange guy was because you weren’t paying enough attention to her and weren't using "The System." So when you ran into a crisis like the one with your mother and your job, you didn’t have the power of my book behind you. In fact, you had little in the way of resources to help you through such a stressful time. If you’d had my techniques and principles to fall back on, you wouldn’t need to write to me. Instead you flipped and decided to dump Morgan, and she screamed and yelled. The reason a woman yells and begs is not because the relationship is over; it’s because you’re the one dropping her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Women are supposed to dump you and not the other way around.” So that’s why she was making a scene. But it doesn’t matter because you’re still out. While with Morgan, you’ve flirted with countless women. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Two wrongs don’t make a right, bro.” Dude, why are you flirting with all kinds of women? To you psych majors, when you flirt with other women, you lower your girlfriend’s Interest Level. And that’s what you did here. Let me ask you something: Are you proud of coming on to “countless” women? Were you proud of embarrassing Morgan? When you do something like that again and again, her Interest Level will drop from 90% to 85% to 80%, etc. You get the idea. Her Interest Level will travel further and further south, and eventually you’re out. It’s true that Morgan might have been doing more than just flirting behind your back, but that’s because of her low Interest Level and the fact that you brought it on yourself by lowering her Interest Level. Because only the man can lower the woman’s Interest Level. You might holler at Morgan and flaunt your jealousy in general, but don’t forget that you’re the one who flirted with countless girls right in her face. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What a hypocrite!”

You told Morgan that you needed some space and that she should see someone else? Wow, what a great move, guy! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Remind me not to call you when I’m having trouble with my lady.” While it’s true that you were stressed out over your job and your mother, it’s also true that you were flirting with countless women before these terrible things happened. What went down with your mom was just a coincidence of timing — it wasn’t the reason behind your troubles with Morgan. When Morgan said that she didn’t want to be pushed toward a reconciliation with you, it meant that the odds of you getting her back are one in a billion. But you kept calling her. Desmond, if a woman doesn’t call you for three weeks, you’re out forever, don’t you get it? Why are you begging, pal? None of this needy stuff is going to work. Like my cousin General Love says, “You did too much damage, soldier.” You can’t get Morgan back because her Interest Level is below 50%. Is she worth getting back? Well, why would you want to be with a woman who has low Interest Level in you? What would I do? I’d buy my book and memorize it. Remember, guys: If you turn her off, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

A Christian Girlfriend Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Shannon for a little over a year. We’ve grown incredibly close to each other, saw a future together and were completely committed to each other. She told me that she didn’t think any other guy was attractive besides me and constantly told me that she wanted to be with me forever. Over the summer, Shannon decided to work at a Christian camp. She ended up liking it so much that she stayed the whole season. I always had doubts about this situation, and I knew the long distance alone could kill our relationship, but on top of this she found God and wanted to surround her life with all things religious. I knew something was going on when she started to ignore me and not call me. When she came home, she said she didn’t know what she wanted, but that she feels she needs to be with someone who brings her closer to God. Then she said that she loves me and wants to marry me, and that it’s impossible for her to break up with someone she’s in love with. She also told me she’s not attracted to me in the same way that she used to be. We both know that I’m not a religious person. I have tried to reason with Shannon that religion cannot be the complete focus of her life and that she needs balance. We continually talk about breaking up and have blowouts we never had before. She keeps changing her mind about what she wants and whether or not her future has me in it. It’s making me act crazy around her, and I know it’s murdering her Interest Level in me. I have a strong feeling that she’s going to break up with me, but I don’t want to lose this girl. I feel like our relationship has to end and that there’s no going back to what we had before. Where do you think I should go from here?

Whitey - who is a non-believer Hi Whitey, When a woman tells you that you are the only attractive man on the face of the planet, she’s telling you that her Interest Level is way up in the 90s. That means that you’ve gotten her to fall for you — hard. The challenge now is for you to keep her interested. And that’s the really tough part. Holding a woman’s Interest Level is what most men don’t have the ability to do. But when a woman tells you that she needs to surround herself with all things religious — and you’re not religious — right there she’s telling you that you’re out. And when she adds that she’s not attracted to you, no matter what way, you are history. Shannon’s Interest Level in you has obviously taken a major nosedive, but I don’t believe it’s because she happened to get religion. I believe you did something to make her interest go south. In other words, it’s nothing more than a coincidence that she happened to become religious around the same time that she was losing interest in you. And one more thing. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Women make stuff up about why they no longer want you around.” It’s called Womanese. In other words, Shannon is not going to come right out and say that she doesn’t want to be around you anymore because you turn her off. Becoming religious might just be a very convenient excuse for her to get the point across to you. It’s easier for her to say, “I’ve seen the light” than to say I really don’t want to see you anymore for as long as I live. That said, you shouldn’t have argued with Shannon when she told you that she found God. You should have told her that you were glad for her that she had discovered something so positive in her life. If you just went along with her, you could have observed her to see what was really going on. Instead you fought her on it, which is only going to create more resistance on her part. I can see that you haven’t read my materials, Whitey. The reason you are having major blowouts with Shannon is due to one reason and one reason alone: her low Interest Level in you. Religion has absolutely nothing to do with your fights, guy. When a woman has high Interest Level in you, she’s not going to want to do battle with you over anything! If Shannon can’t make up her mind whether or not her future includes you, it means she’s gone wishy-washy. To you psych majors, when a woman turns wishy-washy on you, it means you’re on your way out. Acting crazy around her is not making her Interest Level drop; it’s already in the toilet. But you had more than just Shannon’s religious conversion as a problem here, dude. As you pointed out, you had a long-distance relationship with her, which is always a problem. I know that you weren’t being a Challenge to Shannon, which adds up to another huge problem. Where do I think you should go from here? That’s easy. Find a new girl. Remember, guys: The easy part is getting her to fall in love with you; the hard part is keeping her in love with you.

She Has A Boyfriend Dear Doc, I’ve been an ardent reader of your articles, and they have been extremely helpful. I’m in a situation that I feel requires your direct attention. I moved back to India, my home country, early this year, after graduating from college in the USA. Two months ago, I met an American girl, Cheri, at a cafe close to my home, and she was by herself and looked lonely, so I decided to make the most of the opportunity. I got her number, and we hung out the next day. She’s in India on a fellowship and will be here for an additional seven months. We got along excellently and could relate to each other on many levels. As we grew closer, Cheri told me she was involved with a guy for 10 months back in the States before she left for India, but she did not want to continue it while she was in a different country. She said that they were no longer together, but they were still close friends, and I was fine with that. She also mentioned that the guy back home expected them to get back together once she was back in the States. I think that was pretty reasonable, too. Cheri and I are not in a relationship, as neither of us thinks this has a future because she is likely to be back with her long-term boyfriend once she leaves India. Recently Cheri told me that she didn’t actually end things with her boyfriend completely when she left for India. She said that she didn’t expect to meet someone in India who she would be comfortable and happy with, and she also told me that she was scared of getting too close to me, as she will eventually have to leave. So she has been holding herself back. I’m confused as to what I should expect from her. Should we have a good time while she is in India, and completely forget about it later? Or should we keep our distance, as there is the possibility of getting too attached? Could you suggest some third alternative that could work to the benefit of both of us? Ujjwal - who doesn’t want to get hurt Hi Ujjwal, You can't ignore the huge red flag in front of you: Cheri is going back to America. Are you going to follow her? Or is Cheri going to fall in love with you and stay in India and be your wife for the rest of her life? When you ponder these questions, it doesn’t take much to see that your odds with this babe are really bad. When Cheri told you that she did not want to continue her relationship with her American boyfriend when she was abroad, wasn’t she telling you indirectly that she’s going back to him? Notice that she didn’t say that she dumped her boyfriend, Ujjwal. She never said that she was turned off to this guy back home. In other words, she’s telling you in no uncertain terms, and without coming right out and saying it, that the door to this guy back in the States is still very much open, whereas it might — if you’re not paying really close attention — sound like it’s closed. There’s a very subtle and dangerous distinction here, and it’s something most guys would miss. When you say that you’re fine with Cheri still being close friends with her boyfriend back home, it tells me loud and clear that you don’t have my materials. If you had "The System," no way you would be fine with it. When Cheri mentioned that the guy back home expected to

get together with her again when she got back, did she say that he didn’t have a chance because she digs you now and she doesn’t care for him anymore? No, she did not. And you think that was pretty reasonable? Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re missing the boat here, soldier.” But you and Cheri are sitting around and wondering whether or not to continue whatever it is you’re doing with each other. One minute she’s sort of with the other guy; the next minute she’s not. But it doesn’t matter, because this thing is dead in the water due to the fact that you will soon live in different places. So now Cheri says that she didn’t actually end things with the guy back home when she left for India. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Oh, so she wanted to leave the gate open for the horse to come back in, huh?” Let me explain something to you, guy. When Cheri says that she’s scared of getting too close to you, that really means that she just has low interest level in you. So why would you want to have a good time in India with her? It’s a bad idea because you’re wasting your time with someone in a situation that isn’t going to go anywhere. You could be spending your time looking for someone with real potential instead of spinning your wheels with this girl. You’re only going to end up hurting yourself by falling for Cheri, which you’re doing already. And let me also point out that you’re the one who’s getting too attached, not her. You want an alternative to your dilemmas with Cheri? Here’s what I would suggest. Take her out and say to her, “Since this thing isn’t going anywhere, is it OK with you if I hustle other women?” Remember, guys: Another man, plus the possibility of long distance, is a huge red flag.

Does She Love Me? Hey Doc, I feel like I’m about to go insane. I met Jennifer three years ago, and she fell crazily in love with me. She ditched her friends to be with me. Her Interest Level was well above 90%. She would dress to impress me and would travel a long distance to pick me up for dates. She was all about marriage and was gaga about our relationship. Except for little fights once in a while, we continued to have a wonderful and exciting relationship. Then Jennifer got a job and moved to another city. There she became part of an all-boys group and would hang out with them all the time. These guys pampered Jennifer, running errands for her and the like. A few of them fell for her, but she told them that she had a boyfriend. However, Jennifer found herself feeling affectionate toward one of the guys. When she told him that she couldn’t get involved with him because of me, he went crazy, got drunk and freaked out. This seems to have totally changed Jennifer. Even though she says she loves me and wants to be with me, the romance in our relationship seems to have gone missing.

She’s no longer eager to talk to me. When I confronted her over this, she said that she broke our trust by flirting with this other guy, and in addition feels guilty for ruining his life. A month ago Jennifer got re-posted to the city where I live. I hoped that getting back together would help our relationship. While we talk and date at least once a week, the chemistry we once shared is missing. What has me confused is that when I tell her I want to break up, Jennifer says she loves me and wants to be with me. When I try to be supportive, she is absent and disinterested. I am so confused, Doc. Does this girl love me? I love her and want this relationship to work. Please coach me! Timofey - whose head is spinning Hi Timofey, You say you are about to go insane. When you are not in control of what’s happening, it means that you are not following "The System." My friend, your first order of business should be to get my book and memorize it ASAP so you don’t go insane. It’s clear that you do not have the proper training when it comes to women, and the sooner you obtain it, the sooner you’ll restore your sanity. When you say that Jennifer traveled long distances to pick you up for dates, it tells me that you had a long-distance relationship, which is a no-no. So this was your first big problem. Then you report that you had all these “little fights.” Women don’t like little fights. They don’t like fighting at all, because fighting is a turnoff. Fighting lowers Interest level. How often were you having these so-called little fights? Couldn’t you sit down and calmly work things out with Jennifer? Apparently not. But you wouldn’t know about how fighting erodes Interest Level because you don’t have my book. Let me explain something to you, guy. When Jennifer got a new job and moved to another city, right there you were dead. It was all over from that point on. When a woman moves away from you, you’re out forever. That’s it. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When she puts lots of miles between the two of you, it means she doesn’t want to be with you.” Conversely, when she’s in love with you, she can’t move. All this stuff about the men’s club she had going in her new city was her version of the story, remember. What’s the real story? The other guy who got drunk and freaked out because Jennifer wouldn’t date him didn’t change her at all, Timofey. That was just a coincidence. When she moved away from you, her Interest Level was already below 50%, and that was the real problem. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She was fooling around with all these other boys because she was looking for someone new.” You didn’t hold her Interest Level, dude. At one point Jennifer’s interest was up in the 90s, but when she moved away from you it was below 50%, otherwise she wouldn’t have pulled up stakes. And you have to remember that when the other guy got drunk and freaked out, she was not only flirting with him, but she was misleading him as well. Your romance with Jennifer has gone missing, but her Interest Level hasn’t reached 39% yet, which is when she will actually get rid of you. Now, let me get this straight. You are

Jennifer’s boyfriend, but she feels guilty for ruining some other guy’s life. Wow, what a set of values that girl has! Now Jennifer is in your city again, but the truth is that there’s nothing to get back to, so you can’t revive your romance with her. Basically this babe has moved away from you, and she’s dating a drunk. She’s saying that she loves you and wants to be with you, but it’s just Womanese for “I’m not quite ready to drop you yet.” When you say she’s absent and disinterested, that’s indicative of her true Interest Level — on the south side of 50%. Timofey, I hate to tell you this, but Jennifer doesn’t love you. And the relationship can’t work because she already moved away from you. Remember, guys: When she moves, you’re out.

Texting On A Date Hey Doc, First of all, thanks for sharing such amazing information through your book. It’s really helped me read women much better. I’m still reading it over and over as I haven’t mastered it, but it makes more sense every day as I apply it to my life. I’ve been dating Ainsley for over two months now. I’m 30, and she’s 24 and stunning. I applied the rules of your book to the relationship: I didn’t see her more than once a week and no phone calls. It went pretty well. Ainsley would initiate contact most of the time, and even asked me out on dates. While on our dates, she complimented me and mentioned how she enjoyed spending time with me and discussed doing things together in the future. However, it’s a little hard to believe that she wasn’t seeing other people on account of her beauty, but since I never saw any proof, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Days when she couldn’t make our dates she would always counter-offer. Anyway, last week Ainsley kept checking her phone on our date, and then mentioned this guy, Rick, who likes her and who was texting her. He apparently knew about me and asked about me in one of the texts, which she mentioned to me. I took it as a huge red flag based on what I’ve read in your book. She also said that Rick has a girlfriend, but the fact that he was texting her on a Friday night and the fact that she responded to his texts made me feel that something was wrong. I have always tried hard to keep my Interest Level below 90%, and hence always avoided telling her that I liked her. I didn’t react to this text from Rick, but only because I couldn’t come up with anything humorous to say as I was caught a bit off guard. After that night neither of us has texted or called each other, and there has been an awkward silence. Do you think I should back off Ainsley or should I call her and ask her out on another date and see what she has to say about what’s going on? I can feel her Interest Level dropping, and in my mind the right thing to do at this point is back off. Doc, how do I tackle this situation? Scott - who is just about to lose control Hi Scott,

One of the best things about "The System," is the fact that you’re able to read women much better as a result. For that alone it’s invaluable. But as you point out, it can also be applied to all aspects of life. In that sense, it’s indispensable. My friend, you shouldn’t have given Ainsley the benefit of the doubt. You had absolutely no solid evidence to go on for giving her the benefit of the doubt. Did she ask you to be her boyfriend? No. You left that part out. You went out with her for over two months and she never asked if you were seeing other women. So Ainsley is not your girlfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Hopefully you’re dating other women, my son.” And why is Ainsley talking about you to some other guy? Gosh, she has a big mouth! Here’s something else. It’s the rudest thing in the world for Ainsley to be using that cell phone in any way when she’s out on a date with you. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you’re a hot chick, you get away with anything.” The way she treated you was awful, Scott, and you let her get away with it. Yes, it was a huge red flag, and you should have taken it as such. Of course something was wrong with her behavior. But this other guy isn’t the problem here. The girl you’ve been dating for over two months is not loyal to you — that’s the problem. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Thank God she’s not your girlfriend!” You’d better not ask this girl out anymore, buddy. The reason there’s been an awkward silence between you two is because Ainsley digs Rick! You gave this babe way too much credit, dude. My book instructs you not to overrate the woman’s Interest Level. And you did it with Ainsley for no reason at all. Complicating the issue is that she’s a killer in the looks department. Guys are going to be after a beautiful woman all day and all night long — including when you’re out on a date with her. Scott, the simple truth is that you didn’t nail anything down with this girl. You never got her Interest Level into the 90s. If you did, it went back down, and the proof is that she’s messing around with another guy. But, again, he isn’t the problem. You’re the problem because you haven’t completely memorized my book. There’s no point at all in trying to find out from Ainsley what’s going on — because you already know what’s going on. She’s not calling you like she used to all the time. She’s not setting up dates like she used to. She’s talking about another guy like she never did before, and she’s texting him while she’s on a date with you. Don’t you get the drift here? You can’t back off from Ainsley because she’s already backed off from you. There’s only one thing you can do now: don’t ask her out again. Remember, guys: If she texts another guy while she’s on a date with you, you’re out.

Waiting For A Date Hey Doc, First, let me say that “The System” is great because you have perfected it to take into consideration various possible situations.

But something perplexes me, and that is why I am writing today. You state that a guy should go for the phone number immediately. Now, the benefit of this is that you display Mystery and Challenge and Confidence, and you rely on basic physical attraction. I know also from experience that when women are in a group and they notice your intentions, one or more will be jealous and try to block your advances on a certain girl, so it helps to get the phone number as quickly as possible. Other possible problems are also avoided by going for the phone number immediately. But as another love doctor (who I won’t name) stated: “But you had her at the bar right then and there. You could have used that opportunity to seduce her right then and there. You were on a 'date' with her right then and there. So getting a number so that you can meet up with her later and walking away from the interaction in the moment is totally counterproductive and nonsensical.” Doc, many times I’ve been in this position with a woman, especially at a bar or a party. Why shouldn’t you go in for a kiss when you meet a woman, wherever that may be, instead of waiting for a date later? If a babe is all over you, what’s the point in waiting several days for a date that you have to set up? If you have a woman interested in you right on the spot, doesn’t it make sense to capitalize on it? Shouldn’t you rely more on your personality skills when you meet a woman instead of relying on physical attraction? It seems to me that this other love doctor — no disrespect meant to you — has a very good point here. I’ll be interested to hear what you have to say about it. Albert - who doesn’t see the point of waiting for a formal date Hi Albert, First, let me straighten out your thinking. You don’t get a woman interested in you in the beginning from physical attraction alone. When you meet her, it’s true that you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test first, but then you sell her on your personality when she sees what a great personality you have. And that combination is what leads her to give you her phone number. Whether a woman’s friends try to block you or not is not the issue here. And besides, if a woman is interested in you, she will not give a hoot what anybody else, including her girlfriends, say about you. Because as I explain in my book, Interest Level cuts everything. Of course, it’s true that getting the phone number averts all kinds of problems. What else can you do but get a woman’s phone number? When are you going to run into her again? What if you don’t? How are you going to get hold of a woman if you don’t have her digits? If you’re in a New York City bar and you talk to her for 15 minutes, you’re never going to see her again if you don’t get that phone number. So, yes, getting the phone number is imperative. Now let me straighten you out on something else. Not moving on a woman as soon as you meet her is not counterproductive, contrary to what this other love doctor says. This is because your other love doctor is leaving out the all-important concept of Challenge. Guy, I’ve interviewed over 10,000 women, and their biggest and most frequent complaint is that guys come on too fast. When following the rules of “The System,” you do exactly the

opposite. You work slowly and methodically. You get the number and get out of there, leaving her to wonder about you and ponder when and if you’re going to call her. When you don’t jump on the woman straightaway, you leave her wondering whether you’re just playing a head game with her. This other love doctor you mention wants to completely jettison Challenge when that’s exactly what women desire — they don’t want guys acting like the proverbial bull in a China shop. The reason you don’t go in for a kiss until later is simple. You already know your Interest Level. You already know that you want to kiss her. But you don’t know her Interest Level. So what you want to do is make sure that when you go in for the kiss she doesn’t turn her head and rebuff you. That’s why you wait until the second date, all the while working her with Challenge. You wait for a date that you have to set up because it’s going to frustrate her that you didn’t immediately reciprocate her attention. That frustration equals Challenge, which drives up Interest Level, which this other love doctor completely ignores or doesn’t understand. Albert, you are capitalizing on the moment by getting the woman’s phone number and getting out of there and leaving her to wonder whether or not you’re going to call her. By waiting and not jumping her bones immediately, you have power. Every other guy will try to kiss her right then and there or call her within a day or two. My techniques set you apart from all the losers. Because you’re going to wait. And like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The key to women is patience.” Should you rely on personality skills rather than physical attraction when it comes to the opposite sex? Albert, you have to have one in order to get the other. Like I said earlier, it’s a combination of the two that’s going to snag her. Of course your personality is important because if you’re just an average-looking guy and her Interest Level is 55%, you’re going to have to use your personality to get her interest up to 95%. But with my techniques, you will get to 95% instead of dropping south of the border. What I have to say about this other love doctor is simple, but profound: He completely overlooks the power of Challenge and the fact that the vast majority of men rush straight into rejection. If you follow my strategy, you’ll save yourself that anguish and pain, and you’ll be much more successful with women — guaranteed. Remember, guys: The key to women is patience.

The New Guy Hey Doc, I recently read "The System." Here’s my situation: I’m just about to get dumped after a yearand-a-half-long relationship with Suzy. Even though I didn’t know about your book two years ago when Suzy and I became friends at work, I played it cool and apparently was a total Challenge, because within three months she dumped the guy she was with and was with me — with very little effort on my part. I was suspicious, however, as I had gotten enough information out of her to discover that she's left every relationship she’s ever been in for a

new guy. I even joked with her about not wanting to be the next chump, and actually kept my Interest Level to about 75% for the first six to eight months. This is what happened to really mess things up. I had an online dating ad that I used before becoming Suzy’s boyfriend, but not while we were dating. She saw it on my computer browser at about the six-month mark and went completely ballistic. I apologized and, at that very moment, the Interest Levels in our relationship switched. Hers dropped to 70% or lower. The long slide of Suzy’s Interest Level to below 40% took another year, and my level of interest rose to compensate, until it hit 95%, where it is now. So here’s my question: Was I wrong for not listening to my intuition about this woman? It seems that she leaves every turkey the same way for a new guy. Does the way a woman finish a relationship have anything to do with the way she’s going to leave a guy in the future? Did Suzy use the discovery of my dating ad as an excuse to get out of the relationship? Should I have had concerns about getting involved with her in the first place? I’m a rookie, Doc, but I’m trying to prepare to do it differently next time. Herman - who is learning a hard lesson Hi Herman, The reason Suzy dumps one guy after another when she’s lost interest in them is because she’s beautiful. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you’re a hot chick, you don’t get dumped on.” To you psych majors, in every relationship someone has to get dumped. And 90% of the time, the guy is going to have to absorb the rejection and pain. So you’re not pointing out anything new here, my friend. Now let me ask you this: What was Suzy doing on your computer in the first place? And, secondly, why did you have this ad on your computer? You have to be careful about maintaining your privacy and you have to be smart about the evidence you leave lying around. Like my cousin General Love says, “Computers and cell phones are like minefields — they’re deadly.” But here’s the more important issue. If you told Suzy that you used this ad before you met her and that it’s just sitting harmlessly on your browser and you haven’t touched it since you’ve been going with her, why didn’t she just overlook it? Why couldn’t she sit down and ask you why you had the ad? That’s what you need to know. Because the behavior Suzy exhibited when she found the ad tells me that anytime you and she have a disagreement, she goes ballistic. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Is this the kind of woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with?” But it also tells me that there may be more involved here than just the random discovery of an ad on your browser. Your intuition has nothing to do with what happened between you and Suzy. In any relationship, someone is going to get the short end of the stick, and, like I said, the vast majority of the time, it’s you, the guy. Every girl leaves one chump for another. This is what they do. They go out with one dude until he does everything wrong, then they move on to the next one, and he then he gets

dumped. But when a guy follows "The System" — which you’re not doing because you just read it for the first time — he would figure this situation out. He would have discovered that Suzy has a hair-trigger temper because he would know what to look for in a woman. And he would have figured out that Suzy didn’t want to sit down and talk this out with you calmly, and he would have asked her why. Finally, he would have seen the warning signs of a dropping Interest Level — and he would have had the tools to stop it. Herman, it doesn’t matter how a girl dumps a guy in the past, present or future. The point is that she’s leaving. Who cares how she does it? The only thing that matters is that she’s gone. Did Suzy use the discovery of your dating ad to begin to extricate herself from your relationship? That’s a great question, Herman. If she did, it means her Interest Level was low and that you got to my book too late to correct the blunders you were making. Starting right now, you have to read "The System" once a week for 15 weeks in order to completely absorb its wisdom and power. No, you shouldn’t have worried about the way Suzy dumps guys before you got involved with her. All women dump guys, like I said. It doesn’t feel good to the guy, but the method she uses has nothing to do with the relationship. The issue isn’t how you got dumped, but why you got dumped. Remember, guys: Until you eat, sleep and dream "The System," you will not get it — or her.

Patience With Women Hey Doc, I’d like to thank you for everything you’ve done for us. I’ve been using “The System” since 2003, and it has been nothing short of a blessing. Your principles are simple yet powerful. You bring everything together for us and show us how each principle builds upon another. Before “The System,” I was using some of your principles without knowing the power they held. However, once I had the girl, I would then turn into putty in her hands. You can just imagine the results once I stopped being a Challenge. I am 40 and in great shape. People usually tell me I look 8 to 10 years younger than my age. Since 2003 I have enjoyed my time playing the dating game and being able to tell the difference between the good and the bad. However, I’ve met a very interesting young lady who is bucking the trend. Krista is 25. We met at work but actually did not date until after she left and started working for another firm. I went in for the kiss on our second date with great success. So it’s now been more than the required 10 dates (probation), and she has been giving (baking cookies and inviting me over for dinner), flexible and so far has had a great attitude. You always tell us to go in slow, and I did. We end every date with kissing, and each time our kissing gets a little more passionate. Krista has told me several times that she likes me very much. I have yet to tell her that I like her, but of course I show her with my actions (I am affectionate, respectful and a gentleman). Krista has had a conservative Christian upbringing, has never had a boyfriend and only dated one guy for a few weeks two years ago. She’s always gone out with me when I asked and has

never rejected or canceled a date. She is beautiful on the outside but much more beautiful on the inside. However, it’s been three months since we started dating and she has not once asked, “Where is this relationship going?” Every other girl I dated would always bring that question up like clockwork. Again, her words and actions go hand in hand and there has never been any confusion. My question is, should I keep waiting until she brings up the subject of why I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet? How much longer should I wait? Also, do you think that our age gap is too big? Tommas - who’s getting a little antsy Hi Tommas, You make a very astute observation about the principles in my books. Regarding your own history with women, if your Interest Level in someone is around 55%, you can easily abide by the rules of “The System.” But when it’s in the 70s or 80s and your mind goes blank when you’re with a beautiful woman and you have to think of the right thing to do at the moment, you have to be proficient in my techniques. Otherwise, you’ll start doing the wrong things, the girl’s Interest Level will take a dive and you’ll be on your way out. Needless to say, you’ll be nothing but putty in her hands. When you describe Krista, I have to say that everything about her sounds perfect. It could — possibly — be to your advantage that she has not dated all that much, which means she has low emotional mileage on her. On the other hand, the fact that she has so little experience with dating and she’s already a quarter of a century old demonstrates that her social skills in dealing with the opposite sex have perhaps not been formed at all. Maybe you’re just the very first guy that she digs. Maybe you just got lucky and you hit the jackpot with her. But there may also be a bigger red flag lurking somewhere. Like a good detective, you’ll have to keep watch on this, pal. And of course it bears scrutiny that Krista has not asked where the relationship is going. But by your own admission she has only dated one guy in 25 years, so she hasn’t yet had the experience of pressuring a man. Since Krista has been all but perfect so far, you’re just going to have to be patient with her. Don’t think of her probationary period as being 10 dates; think of it as 20 or 30 dates. One more very important thing: You should be dating other women, Tommas. Since Krista has not asked to be your girlfriend, you should still be out hustling other phone numbers. Yes, you are going to have to continue waiting for Krista to ask you to be her boyfriend. But that’s OK because the more time you spend with this girl and not beg to be her boyfriend, the higher her Interest Level will climb. If it’s 82% now, let’s say, when it gets up in the 90s, she’ll start to bug you about whether or not you are seeing anyone else. On the other hand, since she hasn’t asked you to be her boyfriend, you should keep your Friday and Saturday dates with her to a minimum. How much longer should you wait for her to bring up the subject of being your girlfriend? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “As long as it takes.”

Is your age gap too wide? Sadly, I have to say yes, guy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “There is no substitute for life experience.” And there’s no way Krista has your life experience, Tommas. And here’s something else to think about: Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Who knows what she’s going to want when she grows up?” That said, I like the fact that Krista hasn’t been out with the entire armed forces. But her age and her lack of life experience and what they imply is something you’re going to have to keep your eye on, Tommas. Good luck. Remember, guys: The key to women is patience.

Is She A Friend Or More? Hey Doc, First of all, thank you for your words of wisdom. "The System" has completely changed my life and perspective on how to deal with women. I met this perfect-10 model, Soraya, about a year ago, and we got along great. She invited me to dinner and we went to the movies for my birthday and met for lunch a couple of times, but I thought she was just being friendly so I kept my cool and just saw her every once in a while. Then we lost communication for several months, but she texted me two months ago and asked me out for lunch to “catch up.” I kept it light, made Soraya laugh constantly and made lots of eye contact. I was nervous, but I kept my self-control. I offered to pay for lunch, and she accepted (she never used to let me pay for anything). She texted me that night and told me she had a good time and asked me out to dinner, saying that it was her treat. As always, we had fun. When I took her home, she told me about her best friend’s birthday party and said she wanted me to go with her. That night she paid for my tab too. Anyway, the last time we had dinner, Soraya got a call from one of her friends. When she hung up, she told me her friend was having relationship problems and was seeking her advice. Then she began telling me how happy she is being single because she was avoiding all that baggage and trouble. Then she said she didn’t see herself in a relationship because her job took up all her time. Big red flag. I told her to date someone as busy as her and changed the subject. That night I texted her the following: “I know that nothing will happen between us, so it’s good to know we can be good friends.” She replied, “Did I say that?” I called her, and she apologized and told me not to take it personally. She said she was interested in and attracted to me, so we should “go with the flow” and see what happens. Then she told me we should have another date but didn’t specify a time. I called her to set a date, but we couldn’t seem to get together. I offered and she counteroffered but nothing worked. Doc, I don’t know where I stand with Soraya. What should I do now? Help! Dunston - who doesn’t know if he should flush her number or put her on probation Hi Dunston,

It’s nice that you thought Soraya was just being friendly to you, but you should have been dating her all along. Guy, you weren’t going by my program. If you’re following "The System," you’re not going to be just seeing her “every once in a while.” You should have called Soraya and asked her out, then waited a week, called her again, gotten another date and then kissed her on that second date. Now here’s something you have to understand: When you didn’t see Soraya for a few months, right then and there you were out. To you psych majors, when you go out with a babe three or four times and then you don’t see her for a few months, it's over. When you went out to dinner with her and she picked up your tab, you didn’t kiss her good night, did you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You started off in the friendship zone, and you’re stuck in the friendship zone.” Going to Soraya’s friend’s birthday party was just a group date anyway — which keeps you mired in the friendship zone. Dunston, you’re not using my principles at all. Now, who’s this friend calling Soraya for relationship advice? Just some guy? An exboyfriend? Is it some dude who’s trying to date her? That said, it was excellent that you told her that she should date someone as busy as she is and changed the subject. Good job. But then you turned right around and made a huge mistake by telling Soraya that you were happy that you could be good friends and that nothing was ever going to happen between the two of you. Dunston, why in the world are you telling her this stuff? You want to end up dating this woman, but you’re going straight down the friendship road again. Soraya might be telling you to go with the flow, but like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The flow’s already stopped, and the river’s all dammed up!” There is no flow that’s at all predictable, my friend, because you’re not using the strategy that my book lays out for you. You have "The System," and you’re not following it, which makes no sense, and that’s your biggest problem. One more thing: As far as Soraya goes, she’s nothing but a big waste of time. Remember, guys: When you want to date a woman, stay out of the friendship zone.

Trust Issues Hey Doc, I met Mona, 24, at work. From the beginning I knew that she had a boyfriend, but it didn’t matter since we were just friends. She told me she had problems with her boyfriend (a really nice guy, but he was controlling, didn’t like it when she went out with friends, and didn’t communicate or handle problems with her well). She lied to him about hanging out with me because he was so controlling. Anyway, we went out maybe four or five times outside of work and sometimes met up to talk for a while after work. We also texted extremely often, and before I knew it, we’d drifted into an affair. I know what I did was terrible, but now I can’t take it back. Prior to this, Mona told me that she and her boyfriend were going to break up. She started sleeping at my house, then

her boyfriend moved out of her place. She said that there was no going back and that they were finished for good. During our time together, I’ve grown really insecure about Mona and her boyfriend. In my previous two relationships I also had trust issues, but I always tried to trust Mona and always asked her to tell me the truth and told her that she could talk to me about anything. For the first couple of months of our relationship, Mona was very protective of her phone. She said it was a habit formed from when she was with her ex because he always checked her phone and her phone should be private. I confronted her about it, and she said that she’d try to end this “habit.” From that point onward she only looked at her phone when I left the room. Anyway, I figured out Mona’s password since I was curious to see who she’d been texting, and it turns out she’s been texting her ex ever since the beginning. I confronted her about it, and she had several explanations for why she was doing it, including that I seemed obsessed with her relationship with her ex and she didn’t want to upset me. Now all I can think about is that she’s lying about everything. She seems to be quite caring and thoughtful regarding me, but I can’t help thinking she has a hidden agenda. What do I do now, Doc? I stress about this every minute of the day. I really love Mona, but I just can’t stand the fact that she lied. Troy - who doesn’t want a liar Hi Troy, First of all let, me issue a warning: You have to be careful about becoming a woman’s girlfriend or psychiatrist, which you were dangerously close to becoming with Mona. Once that happens, your chances with her are zero. Your other big problem here was spending way too much time with a woman who already has a boyfriend. Troy, you shouldn’t have been spending all this time with Mona since she wasn’t free. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Between all the texting and hanging out with this chick, you could have been hustling other women who don’t have boyfriends.” But you drifted into an affair with Mona anyway. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It’s not what you did that was terrible; it was what she did that was terrible.” Now you have a babe sleeping at your house who has a boyfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What good would you expect to come out of this arrangement?” Another major mistake. Dude, you might have thought that you could trust Mona, but until you go out with a babe for six months, you can’t trust her 100%. And, by the way, did you think that the fact that Mona would sleep at your house when she has a boyfriend was a trustworthy act in the first place? You say that Mona was always protective of her phone because her ex violated her privacy. It’s true that a phone should be private, but here’s the important point: Was her ex always checking on her phone because she wasn’t trustworthy? Why was the guy so paranoid about her phone? Was she sneaking around on him?

But then she promised to “try to end this habit.” Why does she have to try so hard? She should do it on the spot! Despite what she said, she hasn’t been trying very hard to put an end to her phone activities. She’s been texting her ex from the beginning. This guy started with Mona before you, and even though she’s now your girlfriend, he’s still in the picture. This is because of all the mistakes you made at the beginning of your relationship with Mona. Troy, you and this other guy just traded places. He didn’t trust her, and now you don’t trust her. And, by the way, if Mona and her ex are really finished, why is she texting him at all? I’ve got some bad news for you, Troy. Mona is lying about everything. In other words, she’s just a big liar. She lied to her ex, and she’s lying to you now. She’s a drama queen and she digs all the emotional turmoil swirling around because it keeps all the attention focused on her. Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? What should you do now? That’s easy. Get rid of Mona and find a new girlfriend. You have to find someone who doesn’t lie, pal. And, remember, it’s not just that she lies; it’s that she lies all the time. Remember, guys: Men don’t feel comfortable dating liars.

Coming On Too Strong Hey Doc, I only just recently learned of your existence and heard about your book "The System." I’m definitely going to see about buying it when I have a chance. My issue is with Ursula, who I’ve known for eight years. We met over the internet. We had a long-distance relationship (she lives in Ohio and I live in Ontario — roughly five and a half hours away) for nearly four years. We met once during that time for two weeks, and it was the best time I’ve had in my life. After we each went back home, it didn’t take long for the distance to become unbearable and she ended up finding a boyfriend closer to her, betraying me in the process. After a very nasty breakup, I cut off all communication with her for two years. One day I received an email from Ursula out of the blue. She told me that she was sorry for what happened, still thought and dreamed about me, and that no one had ever treated or loved her like I did. It took a while, but eventually I let her back into my life as a friend. We would chat from time to time, but that was the extent of it. Then I concocted a plan to go and visit her. I got the green light and went to her home, and while I was there I realized that I never had the chance to get over Ursula and that I was still very much in love with her. She told me the very same. She said she wanted me to move closer to her. Unfortunately, I had to come back to Ontario, and when I did, we spoke at length about ways that I could move to Ohio to be with her on a regular basis. I did a lot of research and eventually came up with a way to do it. I hinted to Ursula that I wanted to visit her again. She said she’d get back to me on it, and since then, it went from her barely answering any of my messages to not answering them at all. I noticed that she kept saying that she was “thinking” about things, and I made the mistake of reassuring her that I was there for her if she needed

me. I woke up recently to a message from her telling me to slow it down and that I was getting a little too clingy. I decided not to reply because as I thought it over, I realized that I might actually have been coming on too strong. My main question, though, is why Ursula would back off when all of this was her idea? Why would she become so cold when I hinted at being able to do what she wanted? And what should I do now since she’s said my “clinginess” is making her uncomfortable? I sense that there might be something more to it than that, but I just can’t seem to figure out what it is exactly. What should I do, Doc? Elijah - who’s really confused Hi Elijah, Now let me get this straight. You saw a girl once — ONCE — in four years and you’re telling me you’re crazy about her? Whatever you do, don’t rush into getting my book, pal. You might just learn something if you do! Do you know why Ursula found a boyfriend closer to where she lives? Because you couldn’t see her, that’s why. And, by the way, long-distance relationships — which never work — are covered in great detail in my book, whenever you get around to buying it. It’s sad that you don’t have it, because my techniques could relieve your suffering and misery immediately. But like I said, whatever you do, don’t rush out to buy it! The reason you got an email from Ursula out of the blue is easy to figure out. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She struck out with a bunch of new guys so she went back to the old ones.” It took two whole years before it sank in on her that you were in love with her? Hey, that’s one sharp girl you’ve got there, my friend! And let me clear something up for you. You didn’t let Ursula back into your life as a friend. And you didn’t want her as a friend. You wanted her as a girlfriend. So don’t lie to me or yourself. But even though you hardly know Ursula, you wanted to move to another country to be with her. In other words, you saw a girl one time after not talking to her for two years and you were ready to uproot yourself to be near her? Instead of researching ways of moving away from your country for some ding-dong, Elijah, you should have been doing research into “The System.” But then you had to “hint” to her that you would like to come and visit her again. You had to actually drop hints about something with a girl who loves you? Yeah, you two have a great relationship! But after you dropped this subtle suggestion, Ursula wouldn’t even answer your messages. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This lady has great, great respect for you, bro.” Nevertheless, after she told you she had to think things over, you assured her that you were there for her, just like an old doormat. You’re Mr. Challenge, all right! Then Ursula accused you of being too clingy. Well, you’ll just have to disappear for two more years and come back again! You noticed that you might have been coming on too strong? No offense, Elijah, but you don’t have a clue about girls. Nada. Nothing. Out of the first hundred

things there are to know about females, you know zero. And you’re only thinking about buying “The System?” The reason Ursula said she wanted you to move closer to her is because she bombed with other men, she’s a drama queen, and she’s playing with your head, get it? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It doesn’t take a girl two years to figure out that she digs you.” She went as cold as an iceberg because her Interest Level is low, it’s always been low, and it will always stay low. What should you do? Get “The System" delivered to you by overnight service. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, guy, but this girl has turned you upside down and you don’t have the first idea how to deal with it. For you to contemplate moving hundreds of miles away for a girl you’ve only seen for a couple of hours is outrageous. You should be dating other women and you should be memorizing my materials and then finding someone who will love you in Canada, because this American girl could care less! Remember, guys: You can never go back, especially when it never started.

Follow-Up Date I want to say you’ve helped me a lot, especially in the areas of asking girls out. I read your articles and certain parts of "The System," and both have come in very handy. I am a pretty good-looking guy, which I know doesn’t really matter, and I love to make people laugh. I am also a college student who has no problem getting any girl I want simply because all college girls act the same — they want to be friends with the nice guy but they want to make out with the jerk. I am good at getting girls to make out with me because I am in no way emotionally attracted to them. But recently I have run into a wall. About a year ago, I threw a party at my house and was introduced to a beautiful girl, Tanya. Although she’s gorgeous, I didn’t pay much attention to her, but by the end of the night, she was kissing me and we really hadn’t even talked. From what I learned, she’s the type of girl who is constantly chased by big-time athletes and every other type of guy, and ignores every one, so I kind of just forgot about her and moved on, thinking that there was no point in chasing her. I saw her a few times after the party, and each time, there was an attraction between us. Two months ago is when the real problem started. I went to a friend’s boat and he told me he had invited a hot babe and her friend for the day. Well, the friend turned out to be Tanya. We spent the day together and the conversation was the greatest. There was no awkwardness, she mimicked my every move and the touch barrier seemed unimportant. Even her friend told me that Tanya had a crush on me. I haven’t seen her since, but I messaged her and I think I really screwed up. Tanya told me she was working at a restaurant and I asked if it was an invitation to come and see her, and she said yes. Unfortunately I couldn’t make it, so late at night when I was drunk, I sent her a message that I couldn’t come but that if she wasn’t too tired when she left work she should give me a call. I feel that line messed it all up. She didn’t respond.

For the first time in years I actually have feelings for a girl and I’m confused. What should I do, Doc? Do I ask Tanya out for a Starbucks date or do I just ignore her until the next time I run into her? When a girl is as pursued as Tanya is, when does the guy stop ignoring her and just go out and get her? Reid - who hopes it isn’t a lost cause Hi Reid, You can’t just read “certain parts” of "The System." Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s like not finishing the doctor’s prescription.” While it might be true that college girls want to be friends with a nice guy and make out with a jerk, my book teaches you how to combine the best of both, but you don’t realize that because you haven’t actually read it. And, besides, "The System" is not about making out with a girl. In fact, when using my principles, you’re not supposed to kiss the girl until the second date. You have my materials and it tells you that, but it’s obvious that you skipped that part. That said, you shouldn’t have allowed Tanya to kiss you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If you turned your head away you would have driven her crazy.” But then again, you’ve only read certain parts of my book, so you don’t understand the full measure of challenge. Now let me get this straight. You’re trying to tell me that a gorgeous girl came to your party and made out with you and you didn’t follow up with her and start dating her? What’s wrong with you, pal? Under my rules, you don’t message women, dude. You sure were right when you said you only read a few parts of my book. You’re absolutely killing Challenge with your actions, and your communication skills leave a lot to be desired. If you’re so interested in Tanya, you should have called her and asked her out, not relegated her to a line of text message. Now let me get something else straight. You were going to go to Tanya’s workplace and rap to her while her boss stood behind her and asked her why she’s talking to some guy when she’s supposed to be working for him? Then, after she works eight hours, she’s supposed to just call up some drunk and go and see you because you messaged her? Now I’m beginning to wonder whether you read even certain parts of my book, Reid! That one line didn’t mess this thing up. A lot more errors messed it up. Of course Tanya didn’t respond to your text message — because you did everything wrong. You don’t really have feelings for this girl, my friend, because you didn’t hustle her phone number after she kissed you at your party. Here’s what you do. Since you spent a day together on the boat, you’re going to skip the Starbucks date. You’re going to call Tanya and take her out to dinner — a proper date. You were supposed to go after Tanya from the beginning. I don’t care if 50,000 guys were after her. She came to your house to a party and started kissing you, but you failed to capitalize on it.

Remember, guys: You have to do everything right from the beginning.

Moving Away Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Dominique for three years. After a vacation to San Diego and falling in love with the area, we began to think of moving there. We went back home to St. Louis and actually made plans for the move. As a college grad, I figured that I’d be able to find a job and that she could transfer to a college in California. But after setting the plan in motion, Dominique was suddenly opposed to the whole thing. She thought it wasn’t a good idea and suggested that we wait. For months we went back and forth debating it. I told her that I was going to go even if she didn’t come with me and she could come later. Once I said this she felt like I gave her an ultimatum. She didn’t like it and thought that I didn’t love her. I told her that I did and that I wanted her to come with me. Finally she agreed. Both her parents were opposed to the move. Anyway, we made the move. I felt like we were taking a leap of faith, being adventurous, bold, daring and maybe even a little crazy. The only guarantee I gave Dominique was that it would be difficult but that I would do whatever it took for us to make it. We searched for jobs like crazy but only found mediocre gigs for little pay that weren't enough for us to make it on. So we used our savings and our parents sent money to keep us afloat. After a few months Dominique cracked and said she wanted to go back to St. Louis. Now, this girl has always told me she loves me, and we talk about getting married and being together forever. We have gone through ups and downs but we always pull through and love each other even more. Dominique says she wants to be with me no matter what. In the end she went back home. I opted to stay in San Diego because I didn’t want to quit. I figured that if I went home the move would seem like a mistake and a failure. Now we’re in a long-distance relationship and Dominique just wants me to come back home. She is opposed to returning to San Diego even if I find a good job that would allow me to stay and establish a foundation. She always makes arguments as to why it’s no good out here — too expensive, tuition too high, so far away from home, etc. Doc, I love Dominique and am now pretty much planning on going home, going back to school to get my master's degree and building up my credentials. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with Dominique, so I will swallow my pride. My question is this: If she loved me like she said she did, wouldn’t she have stayed no matter how hard it got? Why is it that I have to go back to St. Louis because she left me out here? We weren’t homeless and our families would have helped us. She seemingly doesn’t want to believe in what I believe in. San Diego wasn’t part of her dream, she says, and the only reason she came with me was because I gave her an ultimatum. Her leaving made me feel betrayed, and now I feel like I’m making a sacrifice to go back home. I hope you can give me honest feedback that is impartial and fair to both parties. Paddy - who feels like he’s giving up on himself

Hi Paddy, You thought you could find a job in San Diego in this economy? You were being a little too optimistic, my friend. What led you to believe that Dominique was “suddenly” opposed to the idea of moving to California? Maybe it wasn’t so sudden — did you think of that? Maybe she was just going along with you because you pressured her. Maybe she really never wanted to leave her lifestyle and her home in St. Louis. In reality you gave Dominique a half-ultimatum. But the more important point is this: You and Dominique are not on the same page. You can swear undying love to Dominique until the cows come home, but in the end you have to understand her stance on this situation. If you loved her, you would have stayed in St. Louis, guy. It was a little crazy to make the move because Dominique didn’t like the idea from the get-go, and you were forcing her to do something that she didn’t want to do. When she voiced opposition to the idea of moving to San Diego, right then and there it was over. You shouldn’t have moved and you never should have forced her to go with you. If you really wanted to be with her, you should have stayed in St. Louis. It’s no surprise whatsoever that Dominique cracked and went back home. She’d already told you that she didn’t want to move and you semi-forced her to do it. Now, it’s true that Dominique wants to be with you no matter what — as long as you’re in St. Louis. And that’s the point you’re still missing, dude. She loves St. Louis and hates San Diego, which is too far away from home and her upbringing. But, again, she told you that at the very beginning. Unless she was 110% willing to make the move west with you initially — which she wasn’t — this whole scheme wasn’t going to work. She only went along with you due to your semiultimatum. This is not a matter of swallowing your pride, Paddy. It’s much simpler than that. You value San Diego and Dominique doesn’t. Staying with you no matter how hard it got was not the issue, because she told you from the outset that she didn’t want to move. It wasn’t like she was gung-ho on the move under any circumstance and then changed her mind when she got to San Diego. She was against it all before you moved — that’s the key point you continue to fail to recognize. Pal, you don’t have to go back to St. Louis. In fact, you shouldn’t go home to Dominique because for all practical purposes you two have broken up. It’s over for you and Dominique. To you psych majors, you can't force someone to believe in what you believe in. This babe doesn’t like San Diego. She wants to stay with her friends and family, where she was raised. You dragged her to San Diego, where she had no girlfriends or family or support system. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “For you it’s fine to experience life that way, but it was killing her.” But, again, she told you straight out of the gate that she didn’t want any part of the plan. Dominique didn’t betray you, Paddy. She told you up front her real feelings about moving across the country.

Remember, guys: When a woman tells you how she feels, you’d better listen to what she says.

Her Way Or The Highway Hey Doc, I’ve been your student for a year and a half now, and following your principles has helped me to win the heart of (in my eyes and heart) the most beautiful, generous, giving and flexible woman in the world. We’ve been dating for seven months now and are so happy together. I am 31 and she is 24, by the way. Armed with "The System," I managed to get Ani’s Interest Level sky high, while not letting her know that I’m head over heels for her. Her main concern is that I will someday get sick of her or cheat on her, that she is too lucky and somehow doesn’t deserve me. Our squabbles have been about me not calling first, or enough or texting her good morning — things of this nature. And it’s good because it shows that she wants to be with me. I do everything to be a gentleman and never pressure her. The problem: When we argue, every time I bring up how I feel or why I’m upset, she immediately thinks about herself first. For example, she’ll say “Well, how about how I feel?” or go into denial mode right away. She’s more interested in defending herself than in acknowledging how I feel about something and what’s bothering me. What do you make of this? Is Ani afraid to be wrong? Maybe she doesn’t know better? Or maybe she does genuinely care more about herself? And how would I know which is the case? In our fights I make the first concession in order to warm her up, though I only apologize when I’m in the wrong. Is this pattern something that will persist for the next 40 years? After our last fight Ani texted to say that we should take a couple days to calm down, and I didn’t reply. I want to show her I care, but that I can stay strong and that I have a backbone. Now it’s been a couple of weeks and I haven’t been able to reach Ani by phone. Your coaching in this hour of need would be greatly appreciated. Jarrett - who is confused and worried Hi Jarrett, First of all, Ani knows that you’re head over heels for her. You’re just not verbalizing it, but you’re showing your high Interest Level through your actions. That said, having her be afraid that you’ll leave her for someone else and thinking that she’s the luckiest girl in the world is the best position to be in. If Ani’s Interest Level is 95%, you should call her first because you’re not losing any ground. But if it drops to 85%, let her call you. As far as texting goes, I don’t believe in it — period. You say that the fact that Ani bugs you about little things shows that she wants to be with you. But consider this: If she’s structured — which you say she isn’t — your shortcomings and oversights could be irritating her much more than you think. And that makes it an entirely different issue.

You mention the problem of your arguments and that Ani always looks out for herself when you fight. But, Jarrett, why are you arguing in the first place? And how often are you arguing? In seven months, how many arguments have you had? Have you only had two arguments in all that time — which is OK — or are you having two arguments every week, which is something entirely different? Now if Ani is only concerned with herself or she goes immediately into denial mode whenever you have a difference of opinion, it means she is indeed structured, contrary to what you want to believe. The truth is that she’s not flexible, as you said at the beginning. You don’t have what you insist you have in a girlfriend. To you Psych majors, if a woman can sit down with you and calmly discuss whatever difference of opinion you have, and demonstrate empathy and sympathy for your side of the issue, then she’s flexible. But Ani’s not. She’s hardheaded. Pal, you’ve got a hardheaded woman here. So you missed that part in my book. In "The System," I take this type of woman to task. Why? Because you don’t want one. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Getting involved with a hardheaded woman is a perfect recipe for misery.” What do I make of this? You don’t know "The System," that’s what I make of it. You haven’t been following my principles, because if you had, you would have nipped this problem in the bud. Not to mention that in my book I tell you not to argue. But apparently you missed that part, too. Your problem with Ani is that whenever you have a disagreement, you’re the one who’s always wrong. Even if you’re right, you’re always wrong! That means — as I said before — that she’s structured. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “With this one it’s either her way or the highway.” She might not know better, but more likely she doesn’t have flexibility and sympathy and empathy to give, because that’s not the way she’s built. I don’t think Ani cares more about herself, but when she gets into an argumentative mode, she’s an inflexible woman. Is her intransigent attitude something that will persist for the next 40 years? Dude, it’s going to persist even longer — like, forever! You might want to show a backbone, my friend, but a backbone is going to clash with a hardheaded woman. And by the way, what the heck kind of fight did you have that the two of you have to calm down? And you’ve only been going out for seven months? Like my cousin General Love says, “I’d hate to see what kind of a war zone you’re living in after 10 years!” Now let me get this straight. For seven long months you’ve been dating Ani — a virtually perfect woman with 100% Interest Level — and you can’t get her on the phone for two weeks? That must have been some fight all right! Are you sure you have my book and not some other love doctor’s book? Remember, guys: If she always has to be right, you’re going to be miserable.

Arranged Marriage Hey Doc,

I read your articles from time to time and find them very different from other dating articles floating around the Internet. I’m 28 and should have started studying your columns earlier because of the strange but true wisdom in your humorous words. Although I live in America, I am from India and am about to enter into an arranged marriage (like 90% of the marriages that happen in my part of India) with Bianca. My parents set me up with her. We spent a month together and she was all over me (figuratively, of course). Both families decided we should get engaged before I came back to the States. Bianca and I agreed to it. After the marriage, she will move here to America to be with me. Bianca is 25 years old and has grown up very pampered. Whenever we get into an argument, she gets very upset and expects me to pacify her, but she won’t bend. Because I was not familiar with your principles, I had missed the part about the guy not being too accommodating. When Bianca starts talking from her true self, I see many red flags, including put-downs, unresolved pains from previous relationships, etc. Sometimes I think she’s a whackjob. I have made my share of mistakes, too. Sometimes in our confrontations over the phone, I come off as rude or uptight because of the long distance. It’s always been tough being a challenge because of the long distance and also the fact that our families are involved. If we argue, we like to resolve it ourselves, but somehow the parents interfere. At this point, neither Bianca nor I have even 50% Interest Level in each other. We have discussed this and come to the conclusion that we do not know how this will change when we are living together. But neither of us is willing to break this marriage off, considering the involvement of our families and our societal expectations back in India. Bianca says she will go through with the marriage and agree with whatever I say and not be her real self. But she doesn’t like me like she once did. Doc, sometimes it’s just not easy to break it off when Interest Level is down, like you say to do, especially given cultural pressures. Bianca has some good traits that I used to like. She is a flexible giver when giving gifts and is learning to cook dishes that I like. If there is something you can suggest to push her Interest Level back up, I am all ears. Rajiv - who is afraid for his future Hi Rajiv, The reason my wisdom seems strange is because to me, the world is upside down. Everything I teach is the exact opposite of what all the other love doctors out there teach. Now, here’s the first problem you have: You can’t possibly get to know anyone in 30 days, so you can’t possibly know Bianca. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re marrying a complete stranger.” Then you tell me that she’s pampered, which means she’s not a self-reliant woman. That’s a big red flag. And you’ve only gone out for 30 days and you’re arguing already? Another red flag. Oh, this is a great recipe for a happy marriage! Next, you tell me that Bianca won’t bend. Do I have to tell you this is another red flag? In other words, she’s hardheaded, she’s structured and she’s intransigent — all of which will drive you to abject misery over the long haul.

By the way, you should never be too accommodating, my friend, but this situation is a setup, which means you had nothing to do with this potential marriage and you’re trapped. Then you add that Bianca is a whackjob and has problems. If you’re seeing all of this, why in the world would you marry her? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Are your parents’ egos more important than your future happiness?” The long distance between you and Bianca doesn’t really have an impact on anything here. The reason you’re having trouble is because you don’t have my principles down and you’re just theoretically in love with someone who’s a nutcase. Your families are behind and running this entire mess, so you have no choice in anything here. But what you still don’t seem to get is that you shouldn’t be arguing with someone after only 30 days of dating. Then you add that neither of you have even 50% Interest Level in each other. So you’re going to marry a girl you don’t love and who doesn’t love you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “If it ain’t there to begin with, you ain’t never gonna have it.” In other words, if Interest Level is below 50% to begin with, you’re dead in the water. Of course the situation isn’t going to get better after you’re living together — it’s going to do nothing but deteriorate. You say that neither of you are willing to break the marriage off, but you should break it off. The problem is that you are weak, and you’re being run around by your parents. Do you really believe that Bianca is not going to be her real self when you get married? Yeah, right. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Know the odds of that happening? You might as well buy lottery tickets.” Rajiv, you have to realize that you are under severe cultural pressures and that you’re going to be married to someone who doesn’t love you in India and is not going to love you in America. But if you go through with this marriage, Bianca is going to get pregnant and four years later you’re going to be in divorce court. Or you’ll stay together for your families’ sake and you’ll be miserable and at each other’s throats every day for the rest of your life until you’re 85 years old. Do you really want that? Remember, guys: Think of your happiness; don’t think of your parents’ egos.

How To Regain Trust Hey Doc, I need help figuring out how to go about regaining my trust in Jamie. I’ve been with her for a few years now, and even though things have been great, there have been some situations that continue to weigh on me, things that I’ve had a very hard time getting over. Three incidents happened that have me questioning Jamie all the time:

1. She texted her ex while drunk, saying that she misses him. This happened a while ago, she didn’t remember doing it, was beyond sorry and assured me that she doesn’t really miss him... but still. 2. We went through a rough patch a while ago, and it came to a head after Jamie got a call and she wasn’t near her phone. I answered it, thinking it was her girlfriend, and it turned out to be a guy. I flipped and we had to take a break for a while. During that time she told me why she did it — because it was an old boyfriend and she didn’t want me to be upset. I’m in contact with some of my old girlfriends and she likes them, but I don’t know why she would have hidden this guy from me. 3. Recently Jamie was in contact with another guy, a person who she said she would no longer be in contact with. I found out and again got upset. She explained that he’s now engaged and she texted him "congratulations." The fact that she did it behind my back bothers me. So now I’m having trust issues. Jamie’s taken action on every one of these incidents to make things right and prove that they weren’t anything deceptive — but because it was always behind my back has me questioning her a lot. This is something that I hate and something that now starts fights. I’ve messed up myself in the past, but have never lied to Jamie and I feel that she doesn’t really get how deeply it’s hurt me that she lies. At the same time Jamie’s the type who avoids confrontation and hates talking things out. I don’t want to keep questioning Jamie. I just want to trust her again and not worry. I’ve had a lot of awful things happen to me in the past that have made me jaded and distrustful in the first place. Being on my own since I was 14 has led me to question many things. But the point is that I never questioned Jamie’s actions before and now I do. How can I go about working this trust stuff out and get back to the good place we were once in? Boris - who’s having a tough time Hi Boris, Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If your girl gets drunk, she should be texting you, not some other dude!” You refer to your issues with Jamie as “trust” issues, but I prefer to call them loyalty issues. Why is Jamie talking to an ex at all? If you’ve read "The System," you know that there should never be any exes lurking in the background. I don’t like it because it’s disloyal. But, OK, let’s give Jamie the benefit of the doubt and call this first incident an accident. To you psych majors, not wanting you to be “upset” by being in contact with an ex is an excuse all disloyal women use. Anytime they see an ex behind your back, they say it’s because they didn’t want to upset you. How thoughtful, right? But when you find out, of course you’re upset — you flip, which reinforces the problem. The point is that she shouldn’t be talking to her exes — period. Now, with this second incident of Jamie talking to a guy behind your back, we have a coincidence. And why are you talking to your exes, pal? You shouldn’t be. Because this tells Jamie indirectly that it’s OK for her to talk to her exes. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you’re just as messed up as she is!”

Now Jamie is in contact with a third guy, which means we have a pattern. (Like I’ve told you guys in the past, you have to think like a cop on Special Victims Unit.) So she’s talking to three guys — and these are only the ones she’s telling you about. There are likely more since you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jamie is a liar. Boris, I know you’re upset because she did all of this sneaking around behind your back, but that’s not the point: She shouldn’t be talking to other men at all. You shouldn’t have a girlfriend who’s in contact with all kinds of guys. What is this girl — 18 and a senior in high school? You don’t mention her age, but that’s how she acts. Guy, you should tell Jamie that you’re going to take a 60-day break from her. You took a break from her before, but it didn’t accomplish a thing. Like my cousin General Love says, “You have to show her that you mean business.” Jamie might have taken action to make you feel better, but she keeps presenting you with the same problem: guys and phones. Don’t you see the pattern here? I don’t care if Jamie lied to you. The problem is that she’s contacting other guys in the first place. You’re absolutely right that Jamie doesn’t get that she hurt you, Boris. And that’s why she should be history. And she hates talking things out, so that’s another problem with her personality. Could you live with someone like her if you were married to her? No, you couldn’t. In a long-term relationship, you have to be able to talk things out with a woman. You can’t trust Jamie now and not worry about what she does behind your back. She doesn’t merit your trust. Trust is earned, and she hasn’t done it — simple as that. You should question everything, my friend, especially authority and reading the words of other love doctors who don’t know what they’re talking about. But you understand me and you already see the big red flag here: Jamie isn’t loyal. Sadly, you can’t work this trust issue out and get back to a good place, for one simple reason: Jamie is not trustworthy. Remember, guys: If you can’t turn your back on her and be safe, what good is she?

Keep Your Interest Level Low Hey Doc, I’ve used "The System" for about 10 years now, and I love it! But I could use your coaching since I sometimes lose focus when I get emotionally involved with a woman. I need you to keep me on the right track. Scenario: I recently left a six-year relationship and started dating a girl named Danielle. She had been trying to get me to go out with her for 10 years. When she gave me her number, I waited, followed your rules and — BAM — it worked like a charm! But after a while, Danielle started acting weird. I get the impression she was “testing” me and was starting to use “getting romantic” physically as a tool for emotional manipulation. After eight months she stopped wanting to be with me and started with the excuses. She now says she wants me to fully commit to her before she gets romantic with me again. I am not sure that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

Should I withdraw completely and force Danielle’s hand in order to reset the balance between us and teach her that testing me will not be tolerated? Or do I tell her that she’s using the wrong approach and ask her to hit the road? Doc, I don’t want to use tricks and I hate having to resort to them. I just want to figure out if Danielle has good intentions and I want to get the ball back in my court. Criss - who can’t figure out how to deal with her Hi Criss, When you uttered the words “emotionally involved,” you said something extremely important. To all you guys out there, this is exactly why I want your Interest Level to stay low for as long as possible. I don’t want your Interest Level, under any circumstances, to soar into the 90s when you first go after a girl. Eighty-nine percent is as high as I want your Interest Level to ever go, and I want you to keep it under control for as long as possible. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “It never helps to lose your head over a woman.” However, when you’re just starting out with a girl, it’s difficult to keep your Interest low because yours might be 80% while hers is only 55%, and you have to work hers above yours. All guys go through this when they’re just starting to date a girl. So this is where discipline and self-control come into play. You have to possess both qualities and exercise them in order to avoid disaster — namely, that your interest goes through the roof and hers doesn’t follow suit. How do you actually contain your Interest Level and keep it low and manageable? Talk to yourself. If you can, take yourself out of your body and look down on yourself and your girl as if you were watching two other people. Through this type of objective self-observation you can keep your Interest Level down. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You might not wanna believe it now, bro, but she ain’t the only fish in the sea.” Now let’s take a look at your situation with Danielle. You rejected her for a decade, then you finally consented to going out with her, she was all over you and now she’s acting weird. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Any chance this chick is nursing a lot of resentment toward you?” Criss, just think about the fact that this babe chased you for 10 long years and you kept saying “No.” She’d have to want to punish you in some way for torturing her, right? When you finally gave in to her, maybe she said to herself, “It’s my turn to finally get back at this guy by being weird.” To you psych majors, that’s Psych 101. A girl might very well say to you that she won’t kiss you until you do what she wants. But that’s not necessarily testing. She’s just telling you up front what she wants. So you can’t jump to the conclusion that Danielle is testing you — she might just want you to commit to something she’s after. But when she started with the excuses for why she wouldn’t get romantic with you, you were finished. This is a simple principle that’s thoroughly explained in my book: When a woman stops kissing you, you’re out. So drop her, my friend. What this situation also tells me is that you’ve had my book for 10 years, and you’ve been going out with Danielle for eight months

but you’re not going by my rules. So your 10 years of reading have been a waste because you haven’t been concentrating hard enough on my words. Like I said, I don’t think Danielle is testing you, dude. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She’s pulling a power play.” And when she does something like that, she’s being inconsistent with you. Inconsistency equals low Interest Level. By your own admission, Danielle has gotten weird. So the upshot is that it doesn’t really matter if she’s testing you by saying she doesn’t want to get romantic with you. She’s taking a stand, and it’s because she has low interest in you. You might be dying to know whether Danielle has good intentions, but in "The System," we don’t go by intentions. In my philosophy, we only you go by actions. And this girl’s actions are highly inconsistent, which means you’re in deep trouble. Remember, guys: If she’s inconsistent, get rid of her.

Rebound Relationships Hey Doc, I’ve been dating Jazmine for four years. We always had a few rough spots, including partial breakups, but overall it’s been good. At the two-year mark Jazmine broke up with me, arguing that I’m not driven in life and that she was very turned off by that. I work part-time at a grocery store and I’m in a band that’s trying to make it in the music industry. So she ended up dating a friend of her brother. He was obviously a rebound and I knew this, and she ended up coming back to me after two weeks. It wasn’t the same after we got back together, though. The romance in our relationship died and the number of arguments increased. Jazmine constantly wanted to break it off with me. She said she felt guilty over what she did to her rebound guy. But we went on dating for another two years until she had a mental breakdown and split from me. Two months later, she was seeing the same rebound guy. They dated for a month until I contacted her and we met for a talk. I told her that I got my life on track. I split from the band and started taking some business courses. Jazmine decided to break it off with the rebound guy and come back to me. She told me that I was the love of her life. It’s been eight months since then. We moved in together, but the romantic part of our relationship is still largely dead. Jazmine constantly tells me that she loves me, though, which is confusing. Most recently she informed me that she’s been talking to the rebound guy again but that it’s nothing to worry about. I’m not sure how to deal with it, so I said I was fine with it. I also decided to take a break from my education and get back together with my band. Jazmine said she was cool with it as long as I eventually go back to school. I should also mention that Jazmine lost weight, quit smoking and limited her drinking when she was seeing the rebound guy. She doesn’t do any of that stuff when she’s with me. She’s smoking again, drinking more often now and her weight is slowly coming back.

That said, do you think Jazmine still has feelings for the rebound guy? I love this girl and I don’t want to lose her, but things between us seem so manufactured. It’s almost like she’s forcing herself to have a relationship with me. Yukio - who needs to rock Hi Yukio, You don’t mention that you’ve read "The System,"and it’s obvious to me that you haven’t. But if you had, you would know that rough spots and partial breakups mean that the end is coming. To you psych majors, if she’s completely and totally in love with you, she’s not breaking up with you every other day and running off with someone else. It may or may not be true that Jazmine is turned off because you’re not ambitious in life and would rather hang out with your slacker bandmates. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she was really into you, she wouldn’t give a darn if you were a janitor.” So it doesn’t really matter either way, because all the rough spots and breakups mean that she doesn’t have a high level of interest in you as it is, band or no band. One thing is for sure: Taking Jazmine back was a mistake. Dude, it’s never the same when you break up with a babe and then get together with her again. Let me get this straight. Jazmine has been dating and living with you for years, and she feels bad about what she did to some other guy? Like my cousin General Love says, “So much for loyalty.” Jazmine didn’t have a mental breakdown over your relationship problems, guy. She had an Interest Level breakdown. Then you and Jazmine split up again and she was right back in the arms of the so-called rebound guy — again. You have the names mixed up, my friend. This fellow shouldn’t be referred to as the “rebound guy” because he’s just sitting there waiting for Jazmine to get sick of you again. She should be called the “rebound girl” because she’s the one going back and forth like an out-of-control yo-yo. You seem baffled by the fact that the romantic part of your relationship is as dead as Linsanity. But the meaning of this is simple, Yukio: Jazmine’s Interest Level has traveled south of 50%. It’s as simple as that. When her Interest Level hits the skids, she doesn’t want to be romantic with you. You’re stupid for being fine with Jazmine being back in contact with the rebound guy. Why would you be OK with your girl hanging around with a guy she ran to when she broke up with you not once but twice? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You must be a glutton for punishment, my son.” And don’t kid yourself for a second: Jazmine is not fine with you going back to the band, no matter what she says. Does Jazmine still have feelings for the rebound guy? You bet she does! That’s why she keeps running back to him every chance she gets. What’s most interesting is that she’s self-

destructive with you but not with him. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You better watch out when she finally decides to get herself together, bro.” Remember, guys: When they want to see other guys, you’re out.

Dating Your Friend Hey Doc, First off, I’d just like to say your principles are pure genius. All of my buddies swear by your tactics, and I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. "The System" has helped me finally realize exactly why I’m so successful with women. However, I currently find myself in a situation I’m completely and utterly stumped by. Lola and I have known each other since the seventh grade and been best friends ever since. We’re both now in our 20s, attended grad school together, work together and are still attached at the hip. I was always aware that Lola was smoking hot but I was never attracted to her before. But recently one of the newest members of our circle of friends interrogated me about why I had never “put the moves” on Lola. I shrugged it off, but it got me thinking, and now I’m obsessing over her. Somehow it just now registered that Lola’s the sort of girl I always thought I might settle down with — gorgeous, wildly intelligent, challenging, adventurous and sophisticated. Thus far, my course of action has been to put a little occasional light flirting into my byplay with Lola in order to check her Interest Level, and so far she’s been immediately responsive. I’ve been getting all the attention she gives guys she wants to date — little touches, sultry looks, etc. Her interest in her other admirers has also dropped substantially, it seems to me, which gives me the impression that she’s at least 60% interested in me. Doc, I’m still hustling other chicks because I have two big issues. First, the Challenge factor is almost completely nonexistent with Lola because she knows everything about me, and we work together very closely, do all of our extracurricular activities together and live right next to each other. To boot, it’s not as if I can just suddenly change how much time we spend together. Secondly, Lola is a big player. An iron lock on her heart is something she inherited from her father. There are few things she enjoys more than stringing a guy along for a night before crushing him under her stilettos. And while I’m not so sadistic, I bounce girls around, too, out of boredom. If anything happens between me and Lola, we’re playing with big fire and there’s potential for someone to get hurt. Anyway, despite the problems, I really want to make something work with Lola. I’ve snuck into her affections already, now I just need to slip into the romance sector. How can I do it? How can I challenge Lola when there’s so little space between us? Hank - who’s exhausted and begging for coaching Hi Hank, You’re making a dangerous assumption when you say that Lola is attracted to you. She might just be going along with your occasional light flirting because you two have been friends since the seventh grade. And that’s the problem here. What you’re going to have to do is

make all the other girls you work with laugh and flirt with you and cut down on your time spent with Lola to see if and how she reacts to it. Hank, how do you know that Lola is getting turned off to her other admirers? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “That’s pure conjecture, my son.” You don’t know what she’s doing with other guys when she’s out on a date with them. Your conclusion that she has 60% interest in you has no basis whatsoever. To boot, even if she’s not interested in them, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s interested romantically in you. The bottom line is this: You can’t grade Lola’s Interest Level in you because you have never been on a date with her. You have to reduce the number of extracurricular activities you do with Lola. And you have to also cut the time you spend with her in general so that she has the incentive to come at you romantically if she’s going to do it. You might not be able to suddenly change the amount of time you two spend together, but you can turn the hose down slowly, and that’s what you’ll have to do. To you psych majors, you don’t have to turn the water pressure off altogether — just notch it down a little at a time. In other words, you can’t do a 180 and pretend you don’t know Lola all of a sudden. Lola might like to string guys along until she can crush them, but that’s not going to happen to you because you have "The System." On the other hand, if someone does get hurt, it’s going to be you because you go after her too quickly. If she turns you down, you’re the one who’s going to be crushed, not Lola. She won’t be hurt at all. So don’t delude yourself that she’s going to be annihilated if something goes wrong between you. What you also need to do is cut way down on the group get-togethers with Lola and your large circle of friends. If you’re with Lola, try to get her to an isolated table where she can touch your arm. Because you’re going to have to be careful. If Lola has no romantic feelings for you and you come on to her, you’re still going to have to work with her, remember that. How can you be a Challenge to Lola? Start talking about the other women you’re going out with and how beautiful they are and how much they dig you. The rule is that you shouldn’t talk about other women, but since you’re trying to turn Lola from a friend to a lover, you need for her to look at you in a different light. Try to maneuver three or four get-togethers alone with Lola. See if she’s willing to do it. Make sure you have a blast, and when it’s over say, “Gee, that was so much fun. It was almost like a date!” Then check to see what her reaction is. If she agrees and says, “Yes, it was,” then she digs you romantically. Remember, guys: To get into the romantic zone, she has to see it as her choice.

Leaving For School Hey Doc, I’ve read some of your articles and admired some of the coaching you gave to guys in difficult or confusing situations. I’d really like some coaching because I’m having a bit of a problem with Diana. She’s one year older than me and just graduated from college. I’ve still got one more year to go, and she’s taking off for Italy to do her master’s degree, which would mean that for a rather long period of time, like a couple of years, we would only see each other during the holidays.

My real problem is that at the time we began our relationship, Diana was already with somebody in a relationship that had been going on for six years. At first, things were pretty casual between us, but as time went on, it became more serious and we ended up falling for each other. Diana told me that she wanted to end things with her boyfriend because their relationship wasn’t going well anymore. But last week she told me that it was very difficult to split from him and that she didn’t think she could pull it off. She asked me for a week’s time in which she wouldn’t talk to either me or him in order to figure out what she really wants to do with her life. But the complication is that she keeps contacting me on Facebook or by email, and I really don’t know what to make of it. She always tells me that she’s never been this happy with anyone else — meaning me — before and that I’m the person she loves the most. Doc, I could really use your expertise. Is this thing going anywhere? Do I have a fighting chance with Diana? I mean, I really like this girl. If you think I have a chance, what would you recommend that I do to keep her? Prince - who’s beginning to feel tormented Hi Prince, Hold on a minute right here. This babe is moving to Italy? Right there you’re dead, my friend. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s going to meet some good-looking Italian guy and forget you in about five minutes.” Think about it. She might be traveling there to get a degree, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She can’t do nothing but study 24/7.” Diana’s been in a relationship with a dude for six years? In other words, what you’re telling me is that you didn’t really start a new relationship with her because she already had a boyfriend. To you psych majors, you can’t start a new relationship with a girl who already has a relationship. It’s an oxymoron. You just told me that you and Diana ended up falling for each other, and now you’re telling me that she can’t bring herself to end it with her boyfriend of six years. So what you’re really saying is that you fell in love with a girl who's still in love with her boyfriend. This girl is not available. The reason Diana couldn’t pull off a split from her boyfriend is because she has a high Interest Level in him. If she had low interest in him, she’d drop him like the Denver Broncos dropped Tim Tebow. When Diana asked you for a week’s intermission from you and her boyfriend, you should have told her, “Go back to him, stay with him and when you finally get rid of him forever, then you can come back to me. Until you do that, I don’t want any tweets, Facebook messages, phone calls or emails. I want you completely out of my life until he’s gone.” Prince, this mess shows me that you’ve never cracked open my book and certainly didn’t memorize it because if you had, you wouldn’t be involved with Diana in any way because of she is unavailable and an utter and complete waste of time. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you’re in love with an illusion.” Basically, Diana has two idiots on her hands: you and her boyfriend. And when she gets to Italy, she’ll have three.

From now on, when Diana contacts you, don’t respond. Erase it. Delete it. That’s all you have to do. It’s impossible for Diana to be happier with you than anybody else, Prince, because she’s got a boyfriend she refuses to part with. What she really means is that she’s in love with both of you. And when she gets to Italy, she’ll be in love with a third guy and maybe a fourth guy. If she loved you the most, her boyfriend would be history. Where is this thing going? Nowhere. But it’s not even a matter of that. It never got started in the first place. And if it’s going anywhere at all, it’s going to Italy. No, you have no fighting chance whatsoever with Diana. Your odds with her are as good as hitting the moon with a pellet gun. You might really dig Diana, but if you’d read my book, you’d know that the man’s Interest Level means nothing. Only the woman's Interest Level counts. And by her actions — keeping another man in the background the entire time — you would have known that this was all a waste of time from the get-go, and you could have been out hustling a girl who really liked you. There’s nothing you can do to keep Diana because you never had her. Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend and wants to move to Italy for a couple of years, she doesn’t dig you.

Rationalizing Hey Doc, Shannon and I have been together for four years, off and on. I’m in my early thirties and she’s in her mid-twenties. When we first got together she was getting ready to enter a four-year graduate program over 400 miles away. I wanted to be with her and also wanted to try living in a new area, so I searched for a job in the area of her school. She broke up with me not long after she got to school, but we got back together. She also told me she didn’t want me to move there on her account.

So I made numerous trips to the area for job interviews and to see Shannon. I finally got a job a year after she left and moved there, living separately from her. Over the next two and a half years, she broke up with me three times. I would continue to talk to her after each breakup and convinced her she should be with me, and she agreed. I have a pretty good job and she’s unemployed as a student, so I pay for everything when we go out. I also took her on a nice cruise where we had a great time, as well as on some other vacations. Shannon knows it would be hard to find a guy who treats her as well as I do. Over time, a few things have stood out to me, though. For example, Shannon had been away for several months in another state, away from her school, doing work related to her studies. I drove there several times to see her, but when she finally got around to showing up, she canceled plans with me to go with a female friend of hers to a football game. Also, twice

when she broke up with me it was on my birthday. I mean, who breaks up with someone on his birthday? Now Shannon is getting ready to graduate and has a job already waiting, but not in our hometown. She just broke up with me again (over the phone while she was out of town) and told me she couldn’t see herself marrying me. She has said this in the past because I’ve been divorced twice and she’s never been married. But what’s strange is that just before breaking up with me she had repeatedly asked me when I was going to ask her to marry me. She’d been talking about wedding rings and we were talking about getting a house together. I just don’t get it! I want to stay with Shannon — I love her! She is beautiful and is a churchgoer. She makes me want to be a better person. My friends tell me I should forget about her. One of my friends even quoted you to me, “Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.” Doc, I’ve never really read your material. My friends don’t understand Shannon and they don’t know her like I do. Am I rationalizing? Should I try to salvage this? How can I make things work? I really need some coaching. Redmond - who’s getting tired of going back and forth Hi Redmond, You didn’t really want to try living in a new area. You just wanted to follow Shannon around, and that’s why you moved to where she was. So don’t lie to me, or yourself. You didn’t get back together with her when you broke up, Shannon took you back. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “At the time, she couldn’t find anyone else.” She told you that she didn’t want you to move near her because she didn’t want to feel obligated because she has Low Interest in you. Now let me ask you this question: Why do you keep going back to someone who shows you the door so often? Don’t you think there’s a problem in this relationship, despite the fact that you don’t own my materials? You should be paying for dates with Shannon, Redmond. You might treat her like a queen, but she’s not in love with you, and that’s the only important thing. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “But when she has nothing to do and she’s broke, she uses you as her travel agent.” So let me get this straight. You travel all over to be with Shannon and when she finally decides to see you, she goes off with one of her girlfriends to a football game instead. Dude, does this girl have to drive over you with a tractor before you come to the realization that she doesn’t dig you? All this yo-yoing does is work the male ego — yours. Shannon has you going up and down and back and forth until you don’t know which end is up. And that’s why you’re in your current mess. Who breaks up with someone on his birthday? Heck, that’s easy! A girl with low Interest Level. But since you don’t have my book, you don’t know this. Your Interest Level is 95%, and hers is 5%. When that’s the case, she doesn’t give a damn when she breaks up with you because she doesn’t care a bit about you or your feelings.

Now Shannon’s landed a job somewhere else. Great! Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Now you get to give Bekins even more business.” You’ve been divorced twice and you still don’t have my book? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some men like torture.” By the way, Redmond, your being divorced a couple of times has nothing to do with Shannon breaking up with you every other day. One has nothing to do with the other. If she was wild about you, she wouldn’t care if you were divorced a dozen times. What you don’t understand is that Shannon's a con girl. That’s why she tosses out hints about marriage. She might want to flash around a nice ring, but she doesn’t really want to marry you, not in the least. But you buy into her games. It’s very sad. Shannon may be a saint and she might even get you to go and help out the homeless next weekend, but when a girl breaks up with you 38 times, don’t you think it’s time to move on? How many times does she have to dump you before you get it through your head that she’s a whack-job? And now you're telling me you’ve never read my materials. What a surprise! I’m shocked, Redmond! I’ve got news for you: Your friends actually do understand Shannon. They’re trying to do you a big favor. So you have it completely backward — you don’t understand her and they do. Are you rationalizing? Let me answer this way: When you look up the word “rationalize” in the dictionary, there's your face as the prime example. No, you shouldn’t try to salvage this thing because there’s nothing to salvage. You can’t make things work with Shannon because she doesn’t dig you. You don’t need coaching, pal. You need to move to a new city and forget this babe. And while you’re at it, you’d better get your hands on my book, "The System," ASAP. Remember, guys: When she breaks up with you more than five times, she’s trying to send you a message.

Mother Issues Hey Doc, My family and I moved to America eight years ago. My problem is that I’m very shy around girls. I haven’t had a single date since moving here, nor do I have any friends who are girls. I’ve become somewhat antisocial and I blame my parents, especially my mother, because they make such a big deal out of whenever I try to go out with my friends. They want to know where I am and who I’m going with, and they make me call them when I get there and again when I’m leaving. All these restrictions make me very angry. Also, I have an accent that kind of keeps me from talking to girls. I’m afraid I will sound weird to them. Right now I’m working with my mother, helping her with her housekeeping business. One of our clients has a daughter, Ellie, who I really like. Whenever she’s home when we come to clean the house, she says hello and is very nice. The problem with me asking her out or for her phone number is that my mother is always with me and because of my job. I know

housecleaning is not the best gig for a guy, but I don’t have any other choices right now as I’m in college. I found Ellie’s profile on Facebook, but I don’t want to add her to my friend list, because it will look like I’m stalking her. So basically I’ve got multiple problems, not the least of which is asking my employer out for a date. Would Americans view this as crossing class lines? Doc, what should I do? By the way, I’ve been reading a lot of your columns and as a result have gained a lot more confidence around people. Russ - who doesn’t know how to safely cross the line. Hi Russ, When you say that you’re very shy around girls, it means you fear rejection. To all you psych majors, if you knew that girls liked you, you wouldn’t be so afraid of them. If you knew they dug you, you would ask for their phone numbers and call them and you wouldn’t be bashful about it. So shyness is really just a fear of being spurned. The way to get rid of shyness once and for all is by memorizing my book. Remember: “The System” is the single greatest weapon a man can ever have when it comes to winning with women. Now, Russ, it’s obvious that you have a major problem with your parents. But as they are paying the rent, the utilities and feeding you, they get to control you like a slave, which is basically what your mother is doing. As long as you live with them, you’re trapped. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo mama should be a prison guard.” Why are you fretting over your accent? Let me explain something to you: many women think that accents are very sexy. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Having an accent never hurt Arnold Schwarzenegger for a second.” So you’re worrying over nothing, my friend. When it comes to Ellie, here’s what you have to do. You have to tell your mother that you’re attracted to Ellie. Then ask her if she thinks it would be OK if you asked Ellie out. You have to get permission from your mother first because she’s running the show and it’s her business. You can’t just go and tamper with someone else’s business. Russ, until you move out of her house, your mother is going to dominate you, and if you don’t make the move, she’ll dominate you for the rest of your life. So as soon as you graduate from college, get out of your parents’ house and live on your own in a situation where you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. At the same time, it’s good that you’re working and going to college. There’s nothing better than that, so stop apologizing for it. But you do have to take steps to ensure yourself an independent future. Of course you don’t want to look like you’re stalking Ellie, but that’s exactly how it’s going to come off because you don’t even know her, guy. You haven’t asked her out yet, but even if you did, you wouldn’t want to be entwined with her on Facebook. Remember: the less she knows about you, the better. On the internet there is absolutely no privacy. Privacy is dead in cyberspace, and the loss of privacy is one of the deadliest enemies of Challenge.

Don’t worry about the so-called “class” differences between you and Ellie. In America, class lines don't matter as much as in many other places. What should you do? Like I said earlier, the very first thing you have to do is go and talk to your mother. Ask her if it’s okay for you to invite Ellie out on a date. If she says no, there’s nothing you can do as your mother is basically in charge of your life at the moment. If she says yes, ask Ellie for her phone number. I’m very happy that you’re benefiting from my columns, Russ. But just imagine if you had "The Dating Dictionary" — how much more confidence you’d have around women. Unfortunately, you’ll have little success with the opposite sex until you get my book. Remember, guys: If you live with a domineering mother, you can’t make a move.

Doc Love: Getting Stood Up Hey Doc, Marla, who works where I do, always showed a lot of interest in me. She told me that I needed to be on the morning shift so she could see me more often, that she’d like to cook me dinner sometime, gave me compliments and so on. We were getting along great! We have similar interests and liked the same music, etc. I made plans with her on Facebook to get together but she said she was too busy. She has a kid, so it was totally understandable. A few days later I saw her at work and got her phone number. She lit up my phone with text messages, and we talked on the phone a few times. We went out once — it was supposed to be just Marla and me going to dinner and then to shoot pool — but she mentioned that her sister just got back into town and wanted to meet for happy hour first, so I agreed to the arrangement. But a few more of her friends showed up and then the suggestion was made to see a band at some club, which was OK. We kissed before going home. Marla texted me compliments on my kissing and said she couldn’t wait to see me again. She wanted me to come over to her place late at night, but then changed her mind because she didn’t want her son to see a strange man in the morning, which was also reasonable, I thought. We made plans for the following Sunday. She went out partying all that weekend because her ex was watching her kid. Sunday came and I got no response to my texts confirming our date. I headed to our agreed meeting place anyway, assuming she’d show up and explain the situation. She never showed. Later that night I sent one last text message saying I hoped she was all right. On Monday when I saw her at work she said, “Sorry, everything’s OK. My phone was lost and dead. Want me to get you some coffee?” I didn’t fully believe her but figured I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. I asked her what she was doing on Wednesday — knowing that’s a day she doesn’t have her kid — and she said “hanging out with you.” On Tuesday we left work together but she was shy about kissing me before we parted. That’s when the contact stopped again. She ignored me all day Wednesday, was out of work Thursday because her kid didn’t have school and Friday I only saw her briefly and gave her a wave. Two hours later she

texted me happy birthday and said she was sorry about Wednesday. I responded, “Thanks. No big deal.” When I saw Marla the next week I asked her why the change in behavior. She said she would explain it sometime outside of work. Doc, I tend to believe that she met someone else and didn’t know how to tell me. But I’d much rather hear the truth then be stood up repeatedly and play head games — it’s just rude! Should I bother confronting Marla again? Ignore her? Or just act as though the past month and a half never happened? Fuzzy - who can’t figure her out Hi Fuzzy, When Marla told you that she wanted to cook you dinner, why didn’t you name a date and nail it down? That’s what you should have done. But the first time she told you that she was too busy to get together, she was out. No ifs, ands or buts. Here’s the rule: You ask the girl out, and if she refuses or doesn’t counteroffer, it's over. The rest of your story means absolutely nothing. Marla might have a kid, but you’re rationalizing when you say it’s understandable that she was too busy to see you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There are things called babysitters out there.” Maybe you’ve never heard of them. You shouldn’t have yakked on the phone to Marla, pal. You should have just made a date with her when you had her on the phone. It was a mistake to agree to an arrangement for a group date. And by the way, who do you think invited Marla’s friends on that date? You didn’t, right? What does that tell you, Fuzzy? What it tells me is that Marla wanted to be with her sister and friends at least as much — or probably more — than she wanted to be with you. You made a “definite maybe” date with Marla for Sunday, which was another mistake. I can tell you have no clue about "The System," dude. And what did you have when she didn’t show up? Another broken date. When Marla asked if you wanted coffee, you should have said, “Yes, and don’t forget the cream and sugar.” And then you should have written her off. Why are you giving this girl the benefit of the doubt all the time? There is no doubt about anything, pal! She doesn’t dig you. You’re supposed to kiss a girl at her door, not at work, Fuzzy. But it doesn’t really matter, because for the next three days after not showing up for your date, Marla dodged you. Wow. I can see that this babe is deeply in love with you. Her actions just scream “high Interest Level!” When you say that you think Marla met another guy, it shows me how much you don’t know about women. Marla has no interest in you whatsoever, therefore you have to concoct another guy and place the onus of blame on him. To you psych majors, this is one of the biggest rationalizations that 90% of men make. They simply can’t admit to themselves that a woman has low Interest Level in them. It’s always some other guy or some other situation that’s to

blame. And you’re doing it too, Fuzzy, because your ego can’t stand the hard light of the truth. Marla isn’t being rude to you, my friend. You’re just asleep and not seeing what’s directly in front of you. Should you confront her again? You’d be better off going into the bedroom and talking to the wall. It would be more effective. No, you don’t have to ignore Marla now. Just smile, say hello and keep walking. Don’t even grant her 30 seconds of your time. The sad part of this situation is that you have to work with her. Remember, guys: When she screws you around, she’s not interested.

Pleading Hey Doc, I need a slap in the face. I left my wife a year and a half ago. We have an 8-year-old son. I am still legally married, but I started dating Chantelle during the breaking-up stage with my soonto-be ex-wife. Chantelle’s 21 and I’m 38. It’s a 17-year difference, and some might call it my midlife crisis, but, honestly, her age has rarely come up. Chantelle broke it off with me just recently. She took the high road and wanted to be friends, but I told her that it would be too hard for me. The next day she removed me from Facebook and then told me that it was so we could both heal from the breakup. I told her I didn’t want it to end, that I wanted to work on things and that in no way did I want her out of my life. The next morning I asked her if I could call her, she agreed, and we had an hour-long talk. I sobbed, pleaded with her and tried to convince her to take me back. Her reason for the breakup is that I’ve dragged my feet on the divorce, and she felt like it was making her resent me. Also, we were only able to see each other once a week, and she just didn’t think she could have a relationship with me anymore. I then sent her a long text pleading with her not to do this and not to throw away a year and a half. I spoke to another dating doctor who told me to send Chantelle a very simple text saying I wanted to see if she is willing to have a controlled and calm talk. She responded that she didn’t know if it was a good idea since she had said all she had to say. I haven’t texted or called her since. Doc, am I a lost cause? I love this girl, can’t stop thinking about her, can’t sleep and can’t eat. I miss everything about Chantelle: her bright smile, her laugh, her hand running through my hair. Please tell me there is hope, because I don’t want any other woman in my life. I know I gave Chantelle all the power in this situation when I showed my hand. I probably would have had a better chance if I had stuck with the colder approach, but I shattered at the thought of her being with someone else, which I suspect is the case anyway. I know I need to get a copy of your book, regardless of whether we get back together or not. But some immediate coaching would be a huge help. I know Chantelle needs space, but I’m concerned that the space might give her license to move on and forget about me.

Keefe - who has already lost 14 pounds Hi Keefe, The very first problem you have is that you’re not available. To you psych majors, when you date a girl when you’re still married, it means you’re not legally on the market. Your second problem is that Chantelle is all of 21 years old and you’re pushing 40. Come on, guy. What are you doing? What are you thinking? If the age difference was 41 to 58, you’d be OK. But Chantelle is just 21 — she’s a little girl. Haven’t you ever thought about the disparity in your life experiences? The age difference might not ever come up in your mind, but what about in hers? Chantelle didn’t take the high road with you, pal. She showed you the Rejection Road. And she’s not “healing” from this breakup — you are. You’re the one who’s in pain, not her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You might not want her out of your life, but she sure wants you out of hers.” Naturally not getting a divorce made Chantelle resent you. She was in love with you and thought you were going to get free of your wife, and you didn’t. If you’re going to divorce your wife, divorce her. If you’re going to keep her, keep her. You can’t have it both ways, man, and you want it both ways. And I won’t even mention the fact that your kid is almost as old as Chantelle. The other dating doctor’s advice was worthless. Chantelle told you in no uncertain terms that you were out, but you went to this other coach for help and the result was that you only ended up begging some more. What kind of strategy was that? Did you really think that begging a woman for attention is going to raise her Interest Level? Chantelle is not telling you that she’s confused like a lot of women will in the same situation; she’s telling you that you’re out — history. So what’s the point of more begging? Are you a lost cause, Keefe? Yes, sadly, when it comes to Chantelle, you’re a lost cause. I can’t tell you that there’s hope for you because there is absolutely none. Forget the so-called colder approach. You should have stuck with "The System" approach, but you don’t even have the book. You’re going through all of this hell, but you’re not reading my book, so there can’t possibly be any hope for you because you don’t have a clue what to do. Of course Chantelle is with another guy. She’s a good-looking 21-year-old. She’ll have a good-looking 24-year-old guy in no time flat. You’re not going to get my book, Keefe. You say you will, but even in a state of crisis, when you’re practically starving yourself to death, you haven’t had it overnighted to you. So don’t lie to me, buddy. Chantelle doesn’t need space. She’s already moved on and she’s already forgotten about you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re a dollar short and a year late.” Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you — especially when she’s young enough to be your daughter.

Her Scars And Baggage Hey Doc, I’ve been studying “The System” for a year now and have read the book four times thus far. I’m in a bit of a situation that I can’t quite find a solution for. Leslie and I have been dating for a year and a half. She has self-esteem issues, as she doesn’t seem to believe any compliment I give her and always complains about her body image. To top it all off, she is bombarded with so much family drama that every time we hang out I find myself feeling uncomfortable just because I know I can’t really keep things light and funny. Other than this, she is a beautiful, down-to-earth girl. And she’s a giver, maybe too much. She thinks about everyone before herself. She is also above average on the flexibility scale. Now here’s where I get confused. Leslie shows all the signs of someone with low self-esteem. According to your book, these women do not usually respond well to challenge. This is not always the case with Leslie, though. Whenever I’m a challenge with her, her attention to me is incoming, but she opens up a lot less about her family dramas. This gives me the illusion that things are better in her life, and that being a challenge is actually doing its job. But recently she messaged another guy and told him that he makes her feel like talking about all her issues and opened up to him about the heavy stuff she used to open up to me about. After seeing those messages, I started to feel really uncomfortable. Out of fear, I loosened up on being a Challenge. Leslie opened up to me again, but I found that this led to us getting more and more familiar with each other, which according to your book breeds low Interest Level. I noticed that she was taking more and more things for granted. I told Leslie I was confused and needed space. She got defensive and demanded an explanation. I told her that we’ve become too comfortable with each other. She responded with more questions, and I ended up being a wimp. I said she doesn’t respond to me the same way she did in the past. She said she was tired of having the same discussion. Then she said that she herself wants time to think about our relationship. See what she did there, Doc? She turned the tables so now it’s as if she’s the one who wants the breakup. I’m freaking out because I don’t want to lose Leslie. I can hear you saying “Why are you freaking out after not talking to her for two whole days? WIMP!” Well, it’s because I’m a nice guy at heart, and now that the tables are turned, it feels like I’m the rejected one even though I brought up the idea of a break in the first place. I don’t know what to do from here. If Leslie calls me, should I lay off the Challenge card and answer her right away? Is she just one of those girls that “The System” tries to weed out? If not, then maybe this whole situation is nothing but a realization on her part of low Interest Level. On another note, I am the only guy since her high school days to land a long-term relationship with her. Then again, she’s dated lots of people, so maybe she’s just a professional dater. One final thing. Leslie came across your book one day while snooping around my computer. She read some of it and said, “It would never work on me.” Sidney - who needs a new strategy

Hi Sidney, Of course you can’t keep things light and funny with Leslie because of her various emotional and psychological issues. This comes under the heading of scars and baggage, which is covered in my book, but you didn’t read it thoroughly enough. The problem is that you can’t change scars and baggage, and Leslie’s relationship with her family is going to affect you. It’s obvious that Leslie has high Interest Level in you and that she’s a flexible giver, but her scars and baggage are going to be your burden for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Sometimes Leslie responds to challenge, but sometimes she doesn’t. Well, it doesn’t matter because she has low self-esteem. When a woman has low self-esteem, you have to let her go. So you’re trying to rationalize here. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re off on a tangent and can’t see the forest through the trees.” When you talk about challenge working or not working, it’s really a non-issue in this case, because you’re talking about something that has no relevance to the main problem, which is Leslie’s scars and baggage. Let me ask you this, guy: Why are you playing Leslie’s psychiatrist? According to my rules, you’re not supposed to be a woman’s shrink or girlfriend. Are you sure you bought the right book? Because it’s all in the Dating Dictionary, my friend. I suggest you go back and look. This other guy has nothing to with anything. He’s not a factor at all in this situation. What is an issue, again, are Leslie’s scars and baggage. Let me explain it this way. Challenge works to raise interest level. But Leslie already has high Interest Level in you. But she also has scars and baggage and that’s the problem. Why are you so confused when you have my book? You have the key to the kingdom in your hands, but in a year you only read it four times. The essential guidance for how to handle Leslie is all in my book, but you’re not going to get it on just a couple of readings, pal. Of course Leslie is tired of having the same discussion. You’re supposed to keep things light and funny, but all you two do is engage in heavy arguments. Dumb. You can’t lose Leslie because you never had her in the first place. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When you have a girl with scars and baggage, all you’ve got is a bunch of problems.” That’s what you don’t seem to understand. Her problem isn’t Interest Level and attitude — it’s scars and baggage. You keep harping on something that’s a non-issue. Women don’t like nice guys at heart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Nice guys are weak guys.” Why do you think women prefer bad boys over wimps? Because bad boys have a backbone, that’s why. Yes, “The System” tries to weed out girls like Leslie. That’s one of the many things it’s supposed to be used for. But you didn’t get rid of her, so you didn’t follow the rules. And she isn’t a professional dater. You’re grabbing at straws here. She’s just loaded down with scars and baggage. Leslie’s wrong about “The System” not working on her. If you’d followed my principles, you would have eliminated her from your life and it would have worked on her the way it was supposed to.

Remember, guys: You will pay for her baggage for the rest of your life.

Too Good Looking Hey Doc, I have an issue that you may or may not have encountered before but that I'm sure is rare. I’m a 25-year-old male, 6’2”, tan, hazel eyes, with good hair. I’m what women awkwardly refer to as a beautiful or gorgeous man. (Note: None of this was said to toot my own horn, but rather to paint a picture for context.) I am well-spoken and have plenty of friends, male and female alike. I love to network and socialize and have a natural knack for people. Women I'm interested in, on the other hand, seem to be a different story. My issue is that they always assume I am a bad guy or a player. I constantly hear that I must have a line of babes waiting to get a shot at me, but, sadly, it just isn’t true. Due to this erroneous assumption, I can never seem to get a fair shot at dating a decent woman. They always project their insecurities on me as if we were in grade school all over again. They come on way too assertively to compensate for who they assume I am, or else they will be so coy that it makes things awkward. The more laid-back and calm I am, the more it intimidates them. I can never seem to find a confident woman who will just walk up to me and say, “Hi, how are you?” or just simply know how to handle starting a conversation with me. I’d like to think I have the answer to this dilemma, but it is very obvious that I do not. What is a humble, tall, dark and handsome man (I’m being sarcastic here) to do when all the available women think that there’s already some gorgeous woman getting played by me. I have to add — and I’m being completely honest here — that I am what you could call shallow. I am attracted to very beautiful women who are fit, exotic-looking and have light eyes and good skin. Maybe this is a contributing factor as to why I am having such a hard time finding “the one.” Orlin - who has a problem other guys would kill for Hi Orlin, Hey, you sound like the perfect male! You’ve got looks, you’ve got height, you’ve got hair, and you’re a social butterfly. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “So where’s the problem, paisan?” When you complain about being seen as a bad guy or a player, I have to ask you this, my friend: What kind of woman are you dealing with? Certain women might see you as a male model or an aspiring actor, but they have no right to think of you as anything, including a bad guy or a player or a wallflower. Those women are stupid. By the same token, why in the world wouldn’t you want people to think that you have a line of beautiful babes waiting for a shot at you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You don’t have to apologize for being so lucky.” Even if you were nothing but an average-looking guy, I want you to have the image of a man who is successful with women. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that.

When you say that you never get a shot at going out with a decent woman, I wonder if you’re only going after beautiful women who have nothing at all going for them but physical beauty. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “How many beautiful women are decent?” As far as projecting insecurities is concerned, I’ve got news for you, Orlin: Women do this in their relationships with average-looking guys all the time. They don’t just do it with handsome guys. Do you really think that if you were merely an average-looking dude, women wouldn’t project their issues? You have a lot to learn, guy. To you psych majors, women always come on with a game face. You’re no different, Orlin. Pal, maybe you’re looking in all the wrong places for a good woman. There are self-confident women out there. How can you reach the age of 25 and never meet one confident woman whom you’re attracted to? And why are you waiting for them to come to you? You can approach them, can’t you? Like my cousin General Love says, “Don’t ride on your looks, soldier; ride on your work.” What’s a handsome guy to do when everyone thinks he's playing some babe? Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This is what you want, bro!” If you’re a good-looking guy, why wouldn’t you have a gorgeous woman after you? This will make you even more enticing to all the other babes out there, no matter how handsome or average-looking or homely you are. And you’ve got it all, Orlin. You’re great-looking and all the girls think you’re being chased. That’s the image you want — and you’re complaining about it. Huh? OK, so you’re shallow, Orlin. I give you credit for being honest. But if you’re only going after women who belong in Elle magazine, you’re going to have a tough time finding someone who’s confident, self-reliant and has true self-esteem. The problem is that you’re limiting yourself to very beautiful women, so out of 100 women, maybe two or three are going to match your physical ideal. If you limit yourself to three women out of 100, you’re going to have a tough time finding a woman. Why don’t you look for someone who’s very attractive instead of very beautiful? Remember, guys: if you’re too good-looking, it’s not a problem.

Her Interest Hey Doc, I have been reading “The System” in hopes that I can win back the woman that I want to love for the rest of my life. I am so confused as to what I should do and I think you could definitely coach me. Here’s the situation. Both myself and Sara are 20 years old and going into our junior year of college. We’ve been dating for 16 months. For most of our relationship her Interest Level has been high. She has dropped hints at a “future out of college” with me. I always avoided talking about it because I didn’t feel the same. Recently I have realized that Sara is the girl I want to be with for the rest of my life. My problem is that now she doesn’t feel the same. I did the worst possible thing and told her she could be the one for me. From that point onward things have been going downhill.

About three months ago Sara brought up the idea of a break for a full year since we will both be extremely busy (she’s an engineering major and I am in Army ROTC). She also told me that she wants to see if she can balance things in her life without me for a while and that she wants to experience college. She says she still loves me, she just doesn’t “love love love” me. She wants to take the break to see if she can find that kind of deep love for me. I told Sara that I won’t wait around on a leash for her to make a decision. We have two options: She is either ready to be with me out of college and marry me or we break up. It has hurt to realize that I have stopped being a Challenge to her. How I got her to date me in the first place was by playing hard to get and since I never revealed my feelings to her I was always a Challenge. Doc, how do I get Sara’s Interest Level back up to where it used to be? This is the girl for me. I know she still loves me, I just need her to “love love love” me. Thanks for taking the time to coach me. Ward - who feels like fighting Hi Ward, The first major problem you have is that at 20 years old Sara is nothing but a kid emotionally. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When she’s that young, she’s going to change her mind like the wind and when the tree falls, it’s gonna fall right on your head.” “The System” addresses the risks of dating girls of a certain — very young — age. You must have skipped that part, pal. You say that most of the time Sara’s Interest Level was high, but yours wasn’t. Let me ask you this: Why were you with her in the first place? If she didn’t interest you very much, there must have been a reason. Were there red flags that bothered you? Did you ignore them? Why? But then you suddenly turned around and realized that you were in love with Sara. What happened, man? What did Sara do to change your mind? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Youth is fickle.” But now unfortunately for you Sara doesn’t feel the same anymore. That’s because you lowered her interest level, my friend. You don’t tell me in your letter what you did wrong, but rest assured that you were doing enough to lower Sara’s Interest Level over a significant stretch of time. This catastrophe didn’t happen overnight. To you Psych majors, a woman’s interest doesn’t drop from 89% to 35% overnight. Every mistake a man can make with a woman is detailed in “The System.” You obviously didn’t pay close enough attention to what you were doing with Sara. When Sara told you that she didn’t feel the same, you immediately went into desperation mode and blabbed that she was the one for you. But it didn’t work because you were already on the slide with her and didn’t know how to stop it. Then she brought up the idea of a full year’s break. Dude, you could use more like a 10-year break! She protested that she will be extremely busy and wants to see if she can “balance her life” without you around and experience college — which is Womanese for going out with a

whole bunch of other guys. You’re finished with Sara, guy. What does she have to say for you to get the hint? When Sara says she doesn’t love love love you, it means she has no interest in you whatsoever. When she claims that she needs a break to find out if she can locate a deep love for you, what she’s really saying is that she’s going to look for a deep love without you in the picture. In other words, she’s going to start checking out other guys as soon as possible if she hasn’t already. Then you got tough with Sara and issued her an ultimatum: marry you or break up. But your macho ultimatum was really a tumble into complete Wimpdom because you have long since ceased being a Challenge to Sara. How do you get Sara’s interest back up to where it used to be? Sadly, you can’t because you’ve allowed it to fall below 50%, which means you’re out. Nevertheless, you insist that Sara still really loves you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “How naïve, man. She’s so in love with you that she can’t wait to not see you for a minimum of 365 days.” Remember, guys: when she wants to take a break from you, what she’s really saying is that you’re out.

On To The Next Hey Doc, First, I would like to say that I love reading your columns and they have helped me in more than one situation in my life. But I’m in need of some coaching. I recently came out of a three-year relationship. The breakup was tough, but I moved on, and now I’ve decided to get back into the game. Last week I got my first date. Kirsten is a colleague of mine, and I have been attracted to her for a while now. We’re both 26. For the last year we have seen a lot of each other and gotten along well, but I never made a move because I was in a relationship. Finally, I asked Kirsten out on a date and she said yes. I picked her up and she looked smoking hot! We went to a fine restaurant, the evening went well, we laughed, had great conversation, asked questions about each other, etc. Afterward, we went to another place for drinks. I got signals like good body language, looking into my eyes, playing with her hair, etc. Of course I picked up the tab both times. I dropped Kirsten off at home, said goodbye (I didn’t kiss her because it didn’t feel right yet) and she said she had a good time and that we had to go to the movies together soon. Doc, I thought it was a done deal! I waited a few days, called her up for a second date and she said yes. The second date was basically a replay of the first. So when I took her home I smiled and went in for the kiss. But she pulled away and totally rejected me. Then she told me that I was just a good friend and she didn’t want to ruin that. I was shocked because I thought I read everything right.

The only thing I can think about what happened was that I went in for the kiss too soon. And on the first date I only gave her one or two compliments and spoke a lot (though mostly about her). And on the second date there wasn’t as much flirting and some of the conversation got heavier. For example we have different views about religion (she brought this up), but I changed the topic ASAP. I am confused by the fact that I got such strong signals from Kirsten and the dates went well 90% of the time (or so I thought). Doc, what went wrong? What should I do now? Since Kirsten said she wants to be friends, should I let her go and move on to the next girl? I don’t think chasing is the right thing, even though I like her a lot. And what about the fact that we’re colleagues? We don’t work in the same department, but I will see her nearly every day. Buster - who’s doubting his own judgment. Hi Buster, I’m glad that my columns have helped you so much, but can you just imagine how many more life situations you would be able to master if you actually had my book? Why were you spending time with Kirsten when you were involved in another relationship? When you like a woman, do not spend time with her unless you’re dating her. And why did you go to another place after dinner on your very first date? When you first start dating a woman, you don’t go to two different places. You go to one place, and that’s it. To you psych majors, you want to leave the girl high on you after your date; you don’t want to wear out your welcome. Guy, if you had my book, you would have known not to kiss Kirsten on the first date. You wouldn’t have had to guess, which is what you did. This is one of the basic rules of “The System,” but since you don’t have it, you’re lost and groping in the dark. But you talked about going to the movies when your first date wasn’t even finished. Another mistake. Why in the world are you talking about the future already, Buster? You’re absolutely slaying challenge here. Kirsten should have been wondering whether or not you were ever going to call her again, and here you are already planning what’s going to happen at some point down the road. Are you sure you’ve even read my columns? You thought it was a done deal with Kirsten — after one date. Dude, after one date, nothing counts. Nothing counts at all until you get to 10 or 12 dates with no red flags. But you rushed right in and called her in a couple of days when you should have waited a week. Buster, you didn’t have enough time in with this babe to make an accurate judgment about whether this thing was a done deal or not. If a guy goes out with a girl once and has a great time and another guy goes out with a girl 10 times and has a great time, which one has the more accurate read on her? Going in for the kiss had nothing to do with what happened here. You wore out your welcome with Kirsten by being her “girlfriend” even though you had a girlfriend. And that’s where you blew it.

The reason Kirsten wasn’t flirting with you on the second date was because she already thought she was just going out with a friend. But at least you did one thing right when you changed the subject when the talk got around to religion. What should you do now? Forget Kirsten — she doesn’t dig you. Most importantly, get my book ASAP. Of course you have to move on to the next one. Why would you want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you? Kirsten is not interested in you at all — and she told you as much. You might like her a lot, but it’s the woman’s interest that counts, not yours. Remember, guys: When you work together and break up, you will have to see her every day.

Flings Hey Doc, When Mariela was in the USA, we dated for a year. I met her at a party at a time in my life when I was still using "The System." We knew that she was due to leave the country, so it was supposed to be a perfect little fling for both of us. And it was great for a while, but then I messed up. I enjoyed hanging out with her too much and she slowly moved into “girlfriend” status. When I realized this, I tried to get out. I said to her a few times, “I don’t think what we have is a good idea.” We would be sad for a few minutes, but then it would be forgotten and we were back together. Anyway, I started getting deeper and deeper into it with this girl, even though I knew our future was impossible. I couldn’t help it and lost control of the situation. Since Mariela left the country, it’s like my world has been turned upside down. We never actually “broke up.” We just assumed that both of us would move on after she left, but now it’s a year later and neither of us has. We were a great couple forced to make some serious decisions really quickly because of immigration laws, and I just was not in a life position to do that (I’m in my early 20s and marriage seemed about as desirable as having children). So I left it up to the powers of the universe. Well, the powers of the universe have given me anything but a straight answer. On the one hand, they have made it extremely difficult for Mariela to visit the USA (she hasn’t been able to despite several legal efforts). On the other hand, those same powers have handicapped my ability to meet another girl (my social circle is moving on, growing up, etc.), and I can’t bring myself to get back into "The System" mode and actually close on another girl because Mariela would consider it cheating. Doc, I need to do something with my life because I’ve just been lingering for the past year. I have a few weeks off before I leave for grad school and Mariela has a week off from her schedule at the same time. We have one chance to see each other again, and it's up to me. But by going overseas and seeing her, I feel like I’m losing all control of the situation. I’d be staying at her place, in her city, at my own discretion (I can’t even say I’m on a business trip or something). I feel like that violates every rule of “The System.” This is a great girl, and I can’t seem to break up with her. But by going to see her, I feel like I’m going “all in,” and that scares me. Any advice? Swain - who doesn’t want to live with regrets

Hi Swain, Let me explain something to you. “Flings” aren’t always the safest things. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sometimes you fall in love with a fling.” So you did indeed mess up. Your Interest Level shot way up, but Mariela’s not an American citizen. Then you tried to get rid of her but couldn’t. Like my cousin General Love says, “Sounds like you’re a real strong guy.” Self-control is one of the main principles in “The System,” and you don’t have any. I suggest you start using “The System” again, my friend. You might have thought that you would both move on after Mariela left the country, but when it comes to a relationship, you should never make any assumptions. You certainly can’t assume that both of you had the same agendas. Mariela might have been thinking something entirely different than you were since she was going back to the old country. To you psych majors, you should never marry someone just to keep her in the country, which was one smart move on your part. Because doing something like that is pressure. It’s a rush job. Whenever you have pressure and a rush job, you’re going to screw up in a relationship. Instead you left it to the powers of the universe. In other words, you said to yourself, “I’m not going to take control of myself and make the right choices according to the rules of "The System." But we already know that because you don’t have any self-control. Why are you worrying that Mariela will think you’re cheating on her if you go after another girl? You have to get something straight here, dude: Mariela is gone. She was gone from the very first day you met her. You should have considered her immigration status when you started this fling, Swain. There’s a chapter in my book about long-distance relationships. Apparently you skipped that one. I suggest you go back and read it. You had my material in your hands, but you didn’t really perceive it. You might have read it, but you didn’t grasp its meaning and that’s why you’re in the fix you’re in. What doesn’t make any sense is that you said that you were using “The System” at the beginning. Your problem isn’t dating other girls, Swain. Your problem is getting it through your head that Mariela is gone once and for all. When you do, you’ll be able to move on and hustle other women. It’s not up to just you whether to travel overseas and see Mariela. It’s up to both of you. She’s in favor of your visit because you’re going to her home turf. But if you do, you’re wasting your time and money. You should take that money and sign up for dance lessons so you could pick up another woman. Guy, you’ve lost all control of this situation already. You’re so out of control that it’s not even an issue anymore. You’re doing nothing but beating a dead horse by visiting Mariela. You’ll go to see her, you’ll come back and then what? You’re right back where you started, except that you’ll like her even more and you’ll be in a deeper hole — financially and emotionally. Of course this trip to see Mariela would violate every rule of “The System.” But since when did you care about “The System?” You’re going off on a tangent when you say that you’re afraid of going “all in.” This girl digs you, but the problem is that she’s not a U.S. citizen and you’re not a citizen of her country. You knew that from day one, the day that you met her, but you just wanted to go out and party, and now look at what’s happened. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You got a case of ‘sneak-up love.’” My advice? Memorize my book and save your airfare.

Remember, guys: If you know that she’s going to leave the country, don’t give her your heart.

Dating At Work Hey Doc, I bought the “The System” a few years ago and have been using your concepts with a decent amount of success with women. However, I would like to get your take on my current situation. I have worked with Sofia for the last few years. I wanted to date her but couldn’t due to a company policy against interoffice dating. I know that Sofia had interest in me too, not just from her flirting and stopping by my office to visit fairly regularly, but because she told a couple of other employees that she was interested in me. Both of us dated other people until I recently ended my latest relationship a couple weeks ago. But Sofia is still dating the same guy she’s been dating for a while. She told a buddy of mine at work that she is not that serious with him and that they are dating just casually. I can tell that this guy is trying too hard because he sent flowers and gifts to Sofia at work. Anyway, I just left the company for a new job. I could still feel a relatively high Interest Level from Sofia as recently as two weeks before I left, but she seemed especially distant the very last week that I was there, so I held off on asking her out on a date. We still talked to each other, but she did not make as much of an effort to visit my office and chat like she normally did. A couple of days before my last day, she told me that “men only go after something when they know they can’t have it.” Also, on my last day of work, she had her boyfriend come by the office to pick her up for lunch. Out of the blue, she called me into her office, saying that she needed my help with something. Her request seemed unnecessary, and when I went to her office the boyfriend was there waiting for me to finish helping Sofia before they went out to lunch. It seemed that she just wanted me to see this guy there with her. I have to add that before picking up with her current guy, Sofia recently broke up with another boyfriend who stalked her and it resulted in a restraining order. This might explain why she was acting coolly to me. Or is it possible Sofia was just acting this way during my last week to ensure my Interest Level in her remained high, so that I might still pursue her after I left the company? In other words, was she just playing hard to get? I am thinking that maybe I should wait a few weeks for things in her life to cool down and then ask her out, assuming she is not that serious with her current boyfriend. Do you agree? Antonio - who needs a strategy Hi Antonio, Why in the world are you talking to other employees about a woman you potentially want to date? It’s one thing for you to get information about Sofia from these people, but you’re not supposed to give them anything in return — it will inevitably be misconstrued and result in problems for you. To all you psych majors, talking to people at work about your love life is very dangerous.

If Sofia’s telling people that she is only dating her current boyfriend casually, it means that she’s just waiting for the next turkey to come along and her current guy is already on the way out. But you’re still getting all this information secondhand, Antonio, so who knows what you can believe? This is another problem you encounter when talking to others about your private affairs — you never get a straight story. You made a mistake in not asking Sofia out on a date while you had the chance. As soon as you knew you were leaving the company, you should have asked her for her number and figured out if she was for real or not and if her boyfriend was actually on the way out. The only way you could have done that was by simply asking her for her number and judging her response. Sofia’s statement that “men only go after something when they know they can’t have it” is a crock. That statement has nothing to do with anything and doesn’t relate to you in the least. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “It’s a platitude that means nothing.” Why would Sofia want her current boyfriend to see you in her office? What was her motivation in setting that scene up? You’ve been working with her for years, right? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Sometimes she just wants you to come over and fix her computer.” You’re just grabbing at straws here, my friend. Then you try to tell yourself the fact that Sofia was stalked by some maniac has been influencing her behavior toward you. This is just nutty, Antonio. She’s dating a new guy, isn’t she? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Apparently she’s not afraid of men.” Again, you’re clutching at straws. Now you’re trying to convince yourself that Sofia's using her current boyfriend to make you more interested in her. This doesn’t fit your logic because, by your own admission, she was already acting coldly toward you during your last week of work. When a woman shows Inconsistent Behavior, it means she has a low Interest Level. Again, you’re trying to make nothing into something. Sofia isn’t “playing” hard to get. She is hard to get because she has a low Interest Level in you. On the other hand, you never asked her for her phone number and asked her out, so all of the garbage flowing through your mind about this woman is nothing but conjecture. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re grabbing at a plank of wood like a drowning man.” Are you sure you've read my book? You’re not supposed to wait for anything now, dude. Just call Sofia and ask her out. If she says she has a boyfriend, flush her number down the toilet, forget her and go on to the next one. You had your shot. Remember, guys: Don’t try to second-guess her motives; just ask her for her number.

Lost Interest Hey Doc, I faithfully follow your articles and know you have fantastic advice. Sometimes it’s harsh and hardly ever what a guy wants to hear, but I know it’s always true.

Anyway, Ali and I had been together for a year and a half. Her Interest Level was absolutely through the roof because I used Challenge to great effect. She was constantly talking about how crazy in love with me she was, saying I was “the one” and bringing up marriage and kids at least once a week, although I thought we should take things slow and not rush into anything. After dating for a year she thought it would be a great idea to move in together. I badly wanted to, but I knew that based on your advice it might just be too soon. When she begged and pleaded and got upset, I gave in and didn’t stand my ground like I should have, mostly because I got caught up in my own Interest Level. By the way, at this time I thought for sure this was the girl I would one day marry and spend my life with. I was crazy about her too. Almost immediately I saw a change for the worse. I enjoyed living with Ali and thought we were getting closer. However, I noticed her interest fading. I worked a lot and she spent a lot of time at home by herself. I could tell she was getting lonely. Even though I tried to make enough time for her, she still craved more than I could ever give. To fill the gap she started talking to friends. One was a guy who she swore (and I really believed) was nothing more than a friend. I have a lot of friends who are girls, so I figured that Ali was allowed to have guy friends, too. One day, after coming back from an outing with friends, Ali cried for hours and confessed that she and the guy had kissed and nothing more. She said she felt bad because for a split second she had felt something for him but immediately turned that feeling off. I thought that this was most likely only a fraction of the true story. After she begged and pleaded, I chose to let it go. I didn’t want to ruin our entire relationship because of one stupid mistake. After that, things were good again and I honestly don’t know how she could have possibly been any sweeter, more giving or a better girlfriend. I truly thought her Interest Level was at 99%. Maybe I got busy or just failed to keep watch, but somewhere along the line it dropped down after a few months. Eventually she said the dreaded words: “I need time to figure out what I want and to be myself for a while.” She claimed it was too much work trying to get my attention. She recently moved out and is living on her own. Doc, I feel like I had “the one” and I know I made a mistake with the maintenance, but looking back, I really have to wonder what I could have done to make it better. I have two questions. How do you ever keep things exciting and keep her Interest Level up when you live together or get so close? It seems near impossible to use Challenge in a relationship like this. Secondly, should I try again to make this work with Ali or forget her and move on? She claims she feels we are still meant to be and hopes we can refuel our fire together. She calls all the time and I do actually feel a spark coming back, but the big elephant in the room is that we separated, and from what I understand once Interest Level has dropped so low it’s gone forever. Melo - who had it all and lost her Hi Melo, Let me say something to you guys out there. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “The truth always hurts.” Other love doctors lie to you and try to make you feel good. They tell you that you’re doing the right thing when you’re not. I always give it to you straight.

Most guys get caught up in their own Interest Level, my friend. When a guy’s interest is beyond the stars, what happens is that he starts rationalizing and giving in and losing his backbone — then she loses respect for him. You have to ask yourself why Ali’s interest in you faded. Were you still a Challenge to her? That’s the key here. To you psych majors, if you continue being a Challenge, she won’t get bored. But in this case, Melo, you also had a needy woman. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “That’s the last thing you want to marry.” Ali should have had her own life. You missed a big red flag there by not sensing that she'd be lonely without your constant attention. It was a mistake on your part to be so nonchalant with Ali’s guy friends. And she didn’t need to do more than kiss this other dude. Kissing a guy when she’s supposedly in love with someone else shows that she has no loyaty. Dude, you should have thrown Ali out in the street when you found out! You had no choice but to ruin your relationship with Ali after one stupid mistake, guy. What you’re missing is that this girl doesn’t have a life when you’re not around her, and she therefore has to fill her time with another dude. What made you think she was going to stop doing that? When Ali kissed that other guy, her Interest Level in you was not at 99% — it’s an impossibility. And when she moved out, you were out forever, so everything you say and do with her afterward is a complete waste of time. You just said what your problem was: You made a mistake by not using the maintenance program. But again, this babe was a lonely girl to begin with. And that’s the problem — she had no life of her own. What a girl like Ali does is make you the center of her attention, and then she takes her neediness out on you and drives you crazy. Then she kisses other guys. How do you keep interest alive when you’re in such close proximity? Very easy — use the maintenance program in “The System.” It’s not hard to maintain Challenge if you memorize my materials. Should you try to make it work with Ali or move on? Melo, what’s the matter with you? Apparently you didn’t read the chapter in my book on going back. Ali might swear that you have a future together, but remember that with her mouth she said she loved you, but with her feet she moved out. And don’t forget that you didn’t “separate.” Ali dropped you. She moved out and left you. Yes, her interest is gone forever — and even longer than that. Remember, guys: When the ether wears off, it’s over.

Dating Your Best Friend Hey Doc, I’ve fallen hard for a close friend of mine, Ashley. We are both in our early 20s (she’s a year older than me). We have a lot in common, so we spent quite a bit of time together, and I began to have feelings for her. Over the past 10 months, we’ve become extremely close, to the point where we know each other better than anyone else. There were times when we would

end up sleeping at the same apartment after a party and we would get a little romantic, but we would never talk about it afterward because we were best friends. I finally got the courage to tell Ashley that I had strong feelings for her and that I cared about her, and she said she felt the same way. The only problem was that she wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment, even though I was. I told her that I understood and we continued hanging out together. Then Ashley started to act differently. I found out that she had been seeing another guy, and even though we weren’t dating, it still hurt a lot. We talked one night, and I explained to her that I understood she didn’t want something long term, but that I couldn’t wait forever. She said she knew it wouldn’t last long with this other guy and that she was willing to hurt him but not me, because she cared about me more. She said she didn’t want to hurt me by continuing something that she wasn’t ready for and that she didn’t want to ruin something special that we could have in the future. Doc, what are my chances of stealing Ashley away from this other guy since he doesn’t have much time with her? She continues to tell me that she loves me and cares about me more than anyone she has ever met. She said she knows we will end up together for a long time at some point. But I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I do love Ashley, and there is no one I care about more. She is my best friend, and I can’t imagine going on without her in my life in some way. Yet I know the only way I will ever get over her if I can’t have her is by letting go of our friendship and pushing her out of my life until I feel like I can handle it. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and I know letting go would probably mean the end of our friendship. What do you suggest I do? Simmons - who is hanging by his fingertips Hi Simmons, Your first mistake was falling for a friend. Your friend should fall for you instead. You and Ashley might know each other better than anyone else in the whole world, but don’t forget for a second that you are in friendship mode. To you psych majors, the friendship mode is not the dating mode. It might be the dating mode in your mind, but it’s not in hers, and that’s what’s important. In other words, you’re Ashley’s girlfriend. Not boyfriend — girlfriend. The problem with being best friends with a girl is that one of the hardest things to do in life is to transition from best friend to boyfriend. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The odds are 1 in 100, baby.” You should never have discussed your feelings for Ashley, pal. I see that you don’t have “The System” — otherwise you wouldn’t have made such a basic blunder. But you insist that Ashley feels the same way as you do. Really, Simmons? If she isn’t ready for a long-term commitment, then she doesn’t feel the same way about you. You should have stopped hanging out with her when she told you that. Ashley didn’t start acting differently when she took up with this other guy. She was just following her true romantic Interest Level in you, not her friendship level. You have the two mixed up.

But you told Ashley that you couldn’t wait forever for her. So you’re giving a girl who’s seeing another guy an ultimatum? This really makes a lot of sense, Simmons! If she cared about you more than this other guy, she wouldn’t be seeing him at all. But she swears that she doesn’t want to ruin your relationship by dating. Like my cousin General Love says, “Gosh, and I thought politicians knew how to lie!” This other guy isn’t your problem, dude. The problem is that Ashley has a low Interest Level in you as a boyfriend. And that’s what you don’t seem to grasp. And you don’t grasp it because you’re friends with Ashley. You keep getting the two — friend and boyfriend — confused. But Ashley continues to tell you that she loves you and cares about you. Simmons, when a girl loves and cares about you, she doesn’t see other guys behind your back. And, by the way, this girl is very loyal, in case you haven’t noticed. Sure, you and Ashley will end up together for a long time at some point — like, maybe in the year 2054. That being said, it’s true that she’s your best friend, and that’s all she’ll ever be. Sadly, Simmons, you’ll never be able to handle it with her. What should you do? Face reality and stop seeing Ashley. Remember, guys: to go from a friendship to romantic love is nearly impossible.

Dealing With Red Flags Hey Doc, I’m confused and need some coaching. I’ve been with Kelsey for a year. She’s everything I could ask for in a woman, and I love her very much. A couple of months ago, she traveled to another state to do a six-month internship. I didn’t object to it because I felt like I could trust her and didn’t have to worry about anything. She always told me that she loved me with all her heart and that I’m her soul mate. I went to visit her for a weekend, and she confessed that during the time between breaking up with her ex-boyfriend and getting together with me, she was a promiscuous woman. Finding this out was a blow to me, but she assured me that it was a rocky time in her life, that it was her way of coping and that it’s in the past and that I have nothing to worry about. We worked things out and I put my trust in her. Lately, Kelsey has been having fits of depression. She recently admitted that two weeks ago she cheated on me. She went to a club with her friends, got drunk and had a one-night stand with a stranger and spent the night with him at a hotel. I wish I could describe how much this has devastated me. I guess she tried to make me feel better by telling me that she didn’t enjoy it, but that didn’t really comfort me. I am confused about whether or not I should give this woman another chance. I love her a lot, but I don’t know what to do. She assures me that this will never happen again and that she

feels horrible about betraying me. She even claims she’s not going to drink anymore either. What would you advise, Doc? Elton - whose heart has been ripped out Hi Elton, You might think that Kelsey is everything you want and love in a woman, but what does she love about you? Is her Interest Level in the 90s, like yours is? Does she have a great attitude? Is she a flexible giver? You couldn’t object to Kelsey’s going away for six months for her career. She had to go, regardless of your approval. If you would have told her to stay, you would have come off as an unsupportive idiot. So this situation had nothing whatsoever to do with you, guy. It’s sweet that Kelsey called you her soul mate, but her confession has you thinking about her past behavior all the time. All Kelsey did was move the load from herself to you, and now the whole thing is on you. Isn’t that great? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Some women are really stupid when it comes to making confessions.” But then she assured you that you have nothing whatsoever to worry about from her high-risk past behavior. In other words, when she’s stressed out and she has lots of problems and she’s trying to cope, she just runs around with as many different strangers as she can. What do you mean that you two worked things out? That’s not what happened at all, dude. Kelsey begged and kissed up to you and you took her back — that’s what really happened. Now this gem of yours is having fits of depression. Which means she’s due to go out and kiss some strange men, right? She admitted to you that she had a drunken one-night stand at a seedy hotel with some anonymous guy she picked up in a bar. So now you’re absolutely devastated. Rightfully so. I feel very sorry for you, Elton. I know how you feel. You can’t sleep. You think about Kelsey and what she might be up to all the time. You think about her in the arms of another man and it absolutely kills you. When you’re not feeling that way, you’re hollow. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But if you would have read Kelsey more quickly, you would have picked up on all the red flags sooner, and you would have gotten rid of her a long time ago. Telling you that she didn’t enjoy her one-night stand was small comfort, as you say. But it’s nice that Kelsey toughed it out while she was forcing herself to be intimate with this stranger. It must have been really hard for her to go through the experience. Should you give her another chance? No. She’s had all her chances. You don’t know what to do? It’s simple: Get rid of her. Pull your Interest Level out of the 90s, get my materials and move on. But Kelsey assures you this will never happen again, huh? She gets an A for assurances, but an F for follow-through! I’m sure she feels horrible for betraying you, but not quite horrible enough not to do it. And she’s not going to drink anymore? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Just wait until the next party!”

My advice? “Adios, baby!” Remember, guys: Sometimes when they’re away, they’ll play.

She Was Dumped Hey Doc, I have been dating Lacey for a few months. She was recently dumped by her boyfriend. At the beginning, it was light and fun between us, because she was doing the chasing, which she mentioned she never had to do before. Before I knew it, we got very romantic with each other. I went on vacation to Hawaii not long ago. Lacey stated that I was being “distant” because I never phoned her but only texted. While I was gone, she attended a wedding that her exboyfriend also attended. She said she confronted him about his cheating with another woman while they were together. The air was allegedly cleared, and Lacey’s ex told her that he was dating the other lady now and that he was happy. Lacey mentioned that she was seeing someone else – me — and apparently he flipped and got angry. When I got back from Hawaii, Lacey picked me up from the airport, but she seemed a bit different. We have hung out a few times since then, but it has been rough. We had a miscommunication when she thought I wanted to be more serious with her but was, in fact, fine with what we had. Supposedly the heartache or anxiety of getting dumped by her boyfriend has started to creep into her mind. I’m confused. I never said once that I wanted anything serious with Lacey and she keeps insisting that she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I know this is some kind of Womanese on her part and I called her on it, which may or may not have been a good thing. Doc, I do like Lacey. It’s a lot of fun hanging out with her. I know that Interest Level cuts through everything, but is recent breakup anxiety, or whatever it is called, a common occurrence? Any coaching you can give would be much appreciated, because I am not sure how much time I have left with this girl if my next move is wrong. Gabor - who can’t figure her out Doc Love's Response Hi Gabor, How do you know Lacey was recently dumped by her boyfriend? That’s only what she told you. You don’t actually know the facts of the situation because you weren’t there. Sometimes, when a girl tells you she’s been dumped, it was actually she who did the dumping. It’s just her perspective that she’s been dumped. In other words, she may have made the guy so miserable that she forced him into doing the dirty work so she could keep her own hands clean. This is one possibility that you’re missing here, Gabor. On the other hand, when Lacey mentioned that she had to chase you, it shows the power of Challenge and how effectively it works. Why was Lacey complaining that you didn’t communicate with her when you were in Hawaii? You might not have used the telephone, but you were staying in touch. So she laid a

trip on you that you didn’t deserve. If you’re texting her, you’re not being distant. Using the telephone might be a little stronger, but she could have just asked you to use it if she preferred that method of staying in touch. To you psych majors, when a woman’s not getting what she wants, she can’t expect you to read her mind. Lacey should have simply asked you to phone her instead. The truth is that Lacey was the one who wasn’t communicating because she didn’t tell you what she wanted. In which case you would have of course told her that you would be happy to phone her instead. But in the end, here’s the most important point: Lacey concocted an excuse to get angry at you because her Interest Level was dropping. This babe should have never talked to her ex at the wedding. If it was over between them, why was she interacting with this guy? Why prolong it if she supposedly digs you? What happened at the wedding should have been telling you something, Gabor. And why did her ex get bent out of shape? He’s got a new girlfriend, so why should he flip when he heard about you? He’s nuts, and Lacey’s nuts for confronting him. But here’s something else: This is all Lacey’s interpretation of what was happening. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You don’t know what part she left out.” And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The sin of omission is major.” The reason Lacey seemed different when she picked you up at the airport is because her Interest Level had dropped dramatically. Her demeanor wasn’t a “bit” different; there was a big difference. It’s rough hanging out with her now because her Interest Level is in the 60s and it’s heading straight for the 40s. Lacey’s supposed “breakup anxiety” doesn’t make any sense at all. If she liked you but you were just a rebound and were using “The System,” she would be easier to deal with. But you have a whack job on your hands, my friend. When Lacey says that she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, it’s because she’s still interested in her old boyfriend. She’s trying to rationalize her feelings, but her interest in you has taken a dive or it was never even there in the first place. So forget the breakup-anxiety excuse, dude. Lacey isn’t over her ex, and that’s the central problem here. You don’t have any time left with this girl, Gabor. She doesn’t dig you. She’s just on the rebound, and, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You happened to be the wall she bounced off.” Remember, guys: When you go out with a girl on the rebound, you have to go in extra, extra slowly.

An Older Woman Hey Doc, I bought “The System” several years ago and thought it was full of great information. I prefer to get my dating/relationship coaching from a male perspective, which is why I’m writing you.

While living overseas, I met Cara, who was a 7 out of 10. However, I noticed some wrinkles on her face, which made her look a little older than her actual age, and it turned me off as I didn't want to date an older woman. She is 40 and I am 34. But I got to know her and we had great chemistry. I started seeing her on a regular basis, to the point where I was staying at her place most of the time. She treated me like a king, was a giver like I’ve never met before, flexible, a great cook and had integrity. I decided to move in with her for a month before my return to the States. It was my first time living with a woman and part of my decision to move in with her was out of my curiosity to see what would happen. I got to know Cara better during that time, and her interest stayed in the upper 90s. I didn’t show her affection in public because I didn’t want my friends to think that she and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me that I hurt her feelings by not being proud to be with her. We had discussions about why I was not ready to begin a relationship with her and I told her that it was due to the age difference. I did not have the guts to tell her it was her facial wrinkles that turned me off, but I think she picked up on it. She kept insisting that age should not be an issue and that I was missing out on a great relationship. In the meantime, I got attracted to Gina, a girl in my dancing class. She’s my age and was also attracted to me. The catch is that she’s married and can barely speak English. I was turned off when I found out she was married and did not want to get involved with her, which made her come on to me more. As time went by, I couldn’t resist her advances and we ended up getting romantic a couple of times before I returned to the States. It’s been almost a month since I returned to America, and I’ve been in touch with both Cara and Gina via email. I pretty much know that my relationship with Gina will not take me anywhere. She’s not available, does not have integrity (I am guilty of that myself) and we wouldn’t be able to communicate much. She’s not in love with her husband, but I doubt she will get out of her marriage easily. Cara, on the other hand, is waiting for me with open arms and is ready to start a relationship that will lead to a family. I feel that I already failed my loyalty test to Cara. At the same time, I see this as a valuable lesson: I should be with a woman I feel passionate about or else the chances of me cheating on a woman I just settle for will be high. Doc, I don’t think my passion for Cara is going to increase to the same levels I feel for Gina. However, I am aware that looks aren't everything and as the years go by, what really counts is a person’s character and values. But I don’t want to be in a marriage in which I will not be happy, like most people out there. I know that if I keep blowing Cara off, she will eventually move on and I would hate to miss out on the possibility of a great relationship with her. Should I stay with Cara (and her wrinkles) or should I find a younger woman (say, 24 to 31) I am passionate about and hopefully possesses the same great qualities Cara has demonstrated? Avery - who wants to find the right mix in a woman Hi Avery, You’ve got two problems with Cara. No. 1: You don’t like her face. I don’t know what you were doing with her in the first place. You don’t have high interest in Cara. You’re just wasting her time. Secondly, when you moved in with her, you really misled her. She thinks you’re really interested in her and you’re not. You just moved in with her for the hell of it,

and you’re going to end up breaking her heart. That is not what “The System” is about. What’s more, if you’d read my book, you would know that Cara didn’t pass the Physical Attraction Test. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Her face is wrinkled and you don’t like it, man.” Then you refused to show Cara public affection. Well, you shouldn’t show affection publicly because displays of affection are supposed to be private. Are you sure you read my book? And of course you hurt Cara’s feelings because she sensed you weren’t proud to be with her. She knows that you don’t like her face. You don’t realize how much you don’t like Cara’s face and that’s your problem, my friend. You might be enamored of her character, but your interest is only 55%, while hers is way up in the 90s. When you told Cara you couldn’t get in a relationship with her because of her age, that must have made her really feel great! Women dig talking about their age, especially when they’re older than the guy they’re in love with! You were very, very thoughtless there, Avery. Of course she picked up on the vibe that you don’t like her face — she’s not stupid, after all. So what did you do? You jumped to Gina, who isn’t available and can’t even speak English. Wow! Pal, you definitely did not read my book 15 times like you were supposed to. Now let me straighten you out on something. “The System” is not to be used for adultery. You shouldn’t have committed it with Gina. And why would you be attracted to someone who would commit adultery? That’s another problem you’ve got here. Cara might be waiting for you with open arms, but you don’t go for her face. So what you have now is a woman you're not attracted to and a married woman. Of course you have to be with a woman you’re passionate about, guy. Your interest in Cara is 55%, but it should be 85%, and it’s not, because of her face. You keep dancing around the wrinkle issue. You keep thinking that Cara’s great except for her age crevices. The fact is that you’re really not aware that what counts is a woman’s character and values. If she were 10 years younger, her wrinkles wouldn’t be there, right? And what about you? You’re going to have wrinkles as well in another few years. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You have to look in the mirror, my son.” You have to get rid of Cara because you’re wasting her time and hurting her feelings, and “The System” is not about hurting women. You have to find another woman, but it has to be someone two to four years younger than you, not someone who’s 24 or 25. That’s way too young. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “A 24-year-old is going to look at you as an old man, bro.” Remember, guys: If you’re not physically attracted to her, don’t waste her time.

Turned Off Hey Doc, Emma is 23 and I’m 25. We met, I closed, got the number, waited six days or so to call and landed the first date. At all times, I kept things light and funny and under an hour, and I was

given plenty of buying signals. We’ve had eight dates since then, each ending with a passionate kiss and a smile. I waited a week between each date to call or set up another one. Our last date was shortly before Christmas. I told Emma that I was going to be out of town for the holidays. The only contact we had was when she texted me “Happy Birthday, sir,” on my birthday, which was December 30th. I responded with a “thank you,” and mentioned that I thought it was very thoughtful. I got back into town and called Emma the day after New Year’s and left a message. Several days went by and I didn’t hear back from her. This was very different from her previous behavior, as she would always call me back immediately. I know I should have waited a week and tried Emma again, but I decided to text her. I asked her if she was free on a certain day to get together. She responded that she was busy with work and didn’t give me any counteroffer of any kind. Now any further attempts to contact her have either been met with a vague response or no response at all. I know this is a bad sign, but, Doc, I’m so incredibly confused. I can usually tell if I’ve messed up in some major way, but what am I missing here? I have eight dates in with this girl who always displayed consistent behavior, and now this? I know you say that you don’t count anything until 10 or 12 dates, but there has to be some sort of reasoning or logic behind this. Could Emma be punishing me because I didn’t contact her for 13 days while I was out of town? I wanted to wait until the “jinglebells” were out of our heads and the holidays were over to contact her. If you could help me make sense of this, Doc, it would mean a lot to me. Kyrie - who thought he did everything right Doc Love's Response Hi Kyrie, The fact that Emma isn’t responding to you now is indeed a huge red flag. She’s been very consistent for eight dates and now, for some reason, she’s getting turned off of you — or she was already turned off. What I notice, however, is that through these eight dates Emma never asked you to be her boyfriend. Usually by the time you’ve got eight dates in with a babe, she’s asking you that allimportant question: “Are you seeing anybody else?” And Emma didn’t do that. This is something you should have picked up on, pal. It was another big red flag. The fact that you can now hardly get a response out of Emma after practically begging her to talk to you means that you are on the way out. Now, assuming that you were doing everything by “The System,” you have to keep in mind that some babes will go out with you even when they have little or no interest in you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “What they’re doing is just wasting your time until something better comes along.” And I’m also wary of Emma’s age. She’s only 23. In other words, she’s still a baby. I wish she were a couple of years older and more mature because, as I point out in my book, from the

ages of 18 to 22, girls don't really know what they want. Emma’s right on the border of that age range. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “At that age, their brains aren’t fully formed.” “And now this?” you ask after consistent behavior from Emma for eight dates. Unfortunately, the answer is yup. I’ve seen girls flake out after 18 dates, my friend. You’re not going to find the reason or logic that you’re searching for here because you never established a beachhead with Emma. To you psych majors, the more time you have in with a female, the better it is for you because you have a bona fide track record. Your situation is akin to that of a guy who has made only two payments on a five-year car loan vs. someone who has made 30 payments. Even though they’re both on time, the guy who’s made more payments has a much better credit rating. It is certainly possible that Emma is punishing you for not contacting her over the Christmas holidays. But she wasn’t your girlfriend, as I’ve pointed out, and like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She could have contacted you. The phone works both ways.” Waiting for the “jinglebells” to be out of her head was a good idea, but you told her that you were going out of town, so you were covered. But if Emma is the ultra-sensitive type and you didn’t email her every other day and gush about how much you missed her, it might have been a problem. In the end, though, I’m leery of Emma’s age and the fact that she never asked you to be her boyfriend, like I said earlier. Those two factors were enough to do you in. Now you have to move on to the next girl, Kyrie. Make sure this one is more mature. Remember, guys: The more time you have in with her, the safer you are.

Past Love Hey Doc, Let me start by saying that I consider you to be the single source of truth when it comes to love and relationships. I purchased and studied "The System" and faithfully follow your weekly columns. I cannot thank you enough for putting love and dating into perspective so that I could be in a healthy relationship and become a productive member of society. My issue is more on the “love” side than you typically address, but I figure this is a matter that afflicts everyone at some point and has far-reaching ramifications. Some 21 years ago, fresh out of college and in the Navy, I met my “first love,” Kelly. After nine months of bliss, I was sent away for 14 months to a remote island for duty. We tried to keep our relationship going, but then a great career opportunity arose in which I had to go back for more lengthy training. However, at about the same time, her letters stopped flowing. In short, the distance took its toll. Challenge was not there, interest dropped and, when I finally got back, Kelly had moved on. As an emotional basket case, I made your classic Wimpus Americanus mistake and wrote her a babbling letter. Fortunately, I had some good friends who prevented me from trying any sort of contact with her. I missed Kelly to no end but forced myself to move on. Fast forward 10 years. I’m out of the Navy, have a graduate degree, international and domestic career experience and a couple of broken relationships, and I got wise with your

guidance. I met an absolutely wonderful woman, Morgan, and we’ve been married for seven years and now have a newborn son. Just recently my father passed away and I had a chance to reflect. I began to think about Kelly. I searched the internet and found that her mother had passed away recently as well and that she's married with three sons. This whole thing has unleashed all kinds of emotions. I have rewritten a short letter to Kelly over and over expressing my condolences with a small personal touch and am now comfortable with it. I have not sent it because I have some reservations, which is why I’m soliciting your coaching. The left brain cautions: What would your wife think, what do you really hope to happen and why play with fire? The right brain pushes in the other direction: You are doing this for you and what better time to get closure for the both of you? I’m somewhere in the middle. Personally, I would like to know the facts of what happened between me and Kelly and simply process them. I have no intention of jeopardizing anyone’s relationship and, at the same time, am concerned about how my letter would be received. I realize that this is not a question of Challenge, but of Interest Levels. What do you think, Doc? Should I contact Kelly and resurrect the past? DeMarcus - who can’t decide which side of his brain to go with Doc Love's Response Hi DeMarcus, First of all, I want to thank you for having the ability to set your ego aside and come to me humbly. And let me point out that all I do is address the “love side” of relationships, from asking for a girl’s phone number all the way to staying out of divorce court. That’s all got to do with love, my friend. The reason the letters from Kelly stopped flowing to you was because she ran into another guy. To you psych majors, when you’re not right in front of a girl and you’re thousands of miles away on some remote island, she’s going to run into somebody else. I concur that you had some really good friends who prevented you from trying to see Kelly, because that would have been the stupidest thing you could’ve ever done in your life. Let me explain something to you, DeMarcus. When you’re going with a girl and then join the military and disappear for six months to a year, it’s going to be extremely hard to keep her. Like my cousin General Love says, “When you enter the military, you shouldn’t even have a girl.” It’s really tough to be away from a girl for that long. She’s going to go out with her girlfriends, then meet her girlfriend’s boyfriend’s best friend, and then the four of them are going to go out. In the beginning, there’s nothing to it; then, all of sudden, she has feelings for the guy and you’re toast. This sad story has been told a million times. Now, I feel badly that your father passed away, but what does that have to do with Kelly? Trying to put the two together is a real stretch. When you went to search for Kelly on the internet, right there you were committing “cyber adultery.” Now you’re trying to bring up the past, and the past is dead and gone.

You might be comfortable with the letter you wrote Kelly, but would she? I can just hear her now: “Who’s this guy coming at me from the past? I barely remember him!” Your brain might be at war with itself, DeMarcus, but let me assure you that the left side is the side doing the right thing. Why are you talking about closure for both of you? Kelly’s already had closure. When she got rid of you she had closure. This thing was over 20 years ago, man! This is why we have the Bottom Line Factor in “The System.” The Bottom Line Factor says that you’re never going to try to understand why she did something — you’re only going to go by her actions. And what were her actions? Kelly dropped you. You were too far away and she met another guy. End of story. There’s nothing else to understand about this situation. This thing was dead from the beginning because you were away in the military. If you send the letter you wrote, you’re going to come off as a loon because Kelly’s happily married to some other guy. And the reason you want closure is because she dropped you. If you had dropped her instead, you could care less about closure. You have to memorize my book because your thinking is way off. Should you resurrect the past? No! What is Kelly supposed to say? “I always loved you deep down so I’m leaving my husband and I’m going to go with you? So get rid of your wife and kid, and I’ll come to you and be in your arms?” That’s what you’re hoping for, dude, and you’re full of it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Don’t rock the boat.”

Not Available Hey Doc, Greetings from a humble disciple. I met Carla at my job. She is the most beautiful girl on the floor and every guy just stares at her and talks about her. But that’s where it ends, because they never actually talk to her. Well, I consider myself a self-confident guy and never had trouble with women, so I started making jokes with Carla. It was really innocent, because I had a girlfriend at the time and did not want to cheat on her, so I never crossed the line. A few months ago, Carla and I began to talk a lot. She started touching me and even hugged me. I really thought it was nothing. Looking back, I was a big Challenge to her. The only problem is that she has a boyfriend. A month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend and I realized how much I wanted to be with Carla. At that moment, we were exchanging emails and she was giving me all the indicators of interest. Three days later, I told her I was single. She was shocked because I never talked about my relationship with my girlfriend, even though she used to tell me a lot of horrible things about her boyfriend. Well, we went out after work. The excuse was that I had to buy a gift for my mother for Christmas. She started touching me again. After some small talk, I told Carla I was through with the jokes and that I wanted more. I tried to get closer to her, but she asked me not to do

it. She said someone might see us. Then she said it was wrong, that she wouldn’t be able to cheat on her boyfriend, that we started as friends and should stay that way. After all this, she kept saying things to turn me on and even grabbed my butt. I kissed her neck, bit her ear, and she asked me to stop (but she wanted more because she pulled me closer). Trying to stay a Challenge, I stopped. In the end, Carla told me I should wait a bit, because we could be together when she broke up with her boyfriend (if that ever happens, I know). I answered that I wouldn’t wait and she could be a friend, since we couldn’t have anything else and it was better than not talking. Our contact has pretty much ceased now. I know she will have trouble resisting me if we meet, so I have to create an event where we could go out and have a little time to be together. What I really don’t know, Doc, is how to behave. Am I being a total jerk? Did I create enough Challenge? Is Carla really interested in me but just having problems cheating on her boyfriend? What do you think? What could I do to get her? Billy — who feels a little sleazy Doc Love's Response Hi Billy, You say that you’re my disciple. That means you’ve memorized my materials, correct? Let me point something out to you right upfront. The jokes you made to Carla were not innocent. You wanted something from her, Billy. So don’t try to snow me, okay? That said, your first mistake was talking to Carla. You shouldn’t be talking a lot. You should be listening a lot when you’re in front of her on a date, not blabbing all kinds of garbage to her before you go out on the first date. How can you be a big Challenge to Carla when she already has a boyfriend? She’s the one who’s the Challenge — because she has the boyfriend! Are you sure you’re my disciple? Why did you tell Carla you were single? You’re not supposed to be bringing up heavy subjects, Billy. All you should have done was ask for Carla’s phone number. That’s the procedure. You get the phone number, ask her out, and if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’ll give you the right answer. But here you are flirting with a girl who’s not available, guy. And since she’s not, you have to disappear. You can kid her occasionally for 30 seconds or so, but that’s it. You give her no more time than that until she tells you, “Guess what? I broke up with my boyfriend.” It was a complete waste of time to go out with Carla after work. Worse, you told her you didn’t want to joke around anymore and that you wanted more. Another huge mistake. You’re not supposed to come on serious and heavy, pal. She should be coming on heavy and serious with you. More mistakes!

When Carla asked you not to get close to her, right there you were dead. What does it mean when she says don’t get close? To you psych majors, it means she’s not interested and/or she has a boyfriend. Carla might have bit your ear, but she’s not leaving her boyfriend. That’s the main point here. You’re getting a hug and a kiss, but Carla’s not leaving her guy. And why are you all over a woman who belongs to someone else? She’s not available! Let me repeat this again, Billy: You’re not a Challenge if Carla has a boyfriend. You can’t be, by definition. Sure, you can be together if she dumps her boyfriend. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “When’s that going to happen — 30 years from now?” Are you really going to wait in the wings for Carla and not date anybody else until she dumps her boyfriend? The reason your contact with Carla has ceased is because you blew it with her instead of just flirting with her casually at work and waiting for her to tell you that she got rid of her boyfriend. That’s what you have to wait for now. So forget about creating fake events. Carla doesn’t want to go out, which she told you twice. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Barring a miracle, you’re out.” Are you being a total jerk? Yes. Did you create enough Challenge? In this case, Challenge isn’t an issue. It doesn’t make any difference if Carla is having problems with her boyfriend because she’s not going to drop him. Billy, you’d better reread "The System" ASAP because you missed 90% of it. You can’t be my disciple and still make the number of basic mistakes you’re making. Remember, guys: If she has a boyfriend, she’s not available.

Get Her Back Hey Doc, I dated Ava on and off for three years. We weren’t compatible, but she said she wanted to spend her life with me. The biggest factor in these breakups was that she talks — a lot. Just to hear the sound of her own voice. She’ll tell you the most minute detail of the most inane things and will believe it’s meaningful dialogue. I never learned how to deal with it and I’m not sure I can. When we got back together after our last breakup, Ava became pregnant with my child. When she told her family she was pregnant, the first thing from the lips of her family was, “Did you do this to trap him?” Our son is now a year old. We had an agreement that if it was a boy, I would name him, and if a girl, she would. The day he was born, her sister posted a Facebook photo I took of him with a name his mother had unilaterally chosen without ever speaking to me about it and was totally different than what we had agreed upon for six months. I freaked out, a huge fight ensued and we’ve been officially broken up since that day.

Ava and I have had our time-sharing hearings in court — I pay child support, day care, etc. Late last year, I also lost my job of 11 years and it’s been the worst year of my life, but to add to this madness, I’m seriously contemplating trying to get Ava back. Why? Because I can’t handle not seeing my son every day. The time-sharing arrangement this past year could have been easier on all of us, but I believe Ava’s made it more difficult deliberately, and despite her proclamations to the contrary, I think she still feels something for me. If she felt nothing, all these issues wouldn’t have been so difficult. Ava’s family hates me, and I think this is one of our major problems. In all our time together, she was never completely honest with me in regards to how she handled conflicts in our relationship, not once in three years. There are also romantic incompatibilities. It seems like nothing will ever change. But a part of me still wants to try. Doc, I still feel something for Ava. It’s not the strongest emotion in the world, and a lot of the relationship wasn’t good, but we didn’t give it a fair shot to begin with. I believe something’s still there, even though she’s REALLY, REALLY still angry with me. What can I do, Doc? Gustavo — who should have his head examined Doc's Response Hi Gustavo, Your first problem is that you dated Ava “on and off” for three years. “On and off” never works. So right there, in the very first sentence of your letter, you’re already dead. Next, you say you weren’t compatible. Guy, you can’t live with a woman you don’t get along with. In your second sentence, you’re dead again. Third, you tell me that Ava talks too much. Gustavo, this woman is going to drive you insane with her flapping gums. So what do you have? It’s on and off, you’re incompatible and when she talks, it feels like a dental drill in your ear. What does all of that tell you, my friend? Dead, dead, dead. When Ava’s family asked if she got knocked up in order to trap you, it proved that they know her better than you do. Unfortunately, your little son is going to be the big loser here. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The poor little tyke has two kooks for parents.” I know you’re distressed about the breakup, Gustavo, but if you and Ava are incompatible, she did the right thing by getting rid of you. Why are you getting all uptight about it? I have to agree with you that if you’re trying to get Ava back, you are indeed mad. Your Interest Level is in the 90s, and that’s a humongous problem. I tell you guys never to let your interest rocket that high, but obviously you didn’t listen. And how much damage does this woman have to do to you before you finally wake up? To boot, she’s sadly going to be a lousy mother to your son, and that’s the biggest problem here. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You got yourself a real mess here.”

It’s OK that you can’t handle not seeing your child every day. That’s the way fathers should feel. But you went back and forth with his mother, you knew you weren’t compatible with her, you broke up with her and when you were supposed to name your son, she pulled the rug out from under you. When are you going to get the drift that she’s a whack job? But despite all the damage Ava’s done to your life, you still think she digs you. Whoa. I’d hate to see what would happen if she hated you! What can you do now? I think you need to see a psychiatrist, Gustavo. Other than that, all you can do now is dutifully pick up your son every week, be the best father you can and don’t badmouth his mother. That’s about all the choice you have in this quagmire. And like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “And you get to do it for 18 years, brother!” Hopefully, after 18 years, your kid will realize that you’re normal and his mother is loony. That’s about the best you can hope for. Remember, guys: if you’re both nuts, the kid’s the one who suffers.

Expressing Feelings Hey Doc, I read your articles religiously, and they’ve been a tremendous help to me. I’m 40, divorced for two years and have dated a handful of women in that time. I met my current girlfriend, Brittney, two months ago, and we hit it off. She’s 31 and has two kids, 14 and three. No dads are in the picture. Brittney is extremely smart and just finished her master's degree, despite having two kids and working a job, which impressed me. Our relationship has progressed slowly and steadily, and we see each other once or twice a week. I also have two kids from my marriage, and I’m responsible for them on a part-time basis. I follow your advice and never put any pressure on Brittney. I always wait for her to initiate physical contact and will sometimes go a day without contacting her at all. I’m trying to remain a Challenge and keep her interested. Not long ago, Brittney asked me to be her boyfriend and I accepted. The romantic chemistry is there, but Brittney will rarely if ever tell me how she feels about me or where she thinks we are. I’ve told her that she needs to communicate more and she agreed, but I still don’t know how she really feels about our relationship other than asking me to be her boyfriend. She constantly showers me with affection when we are together and always shows me little signs that she is thinking about me, but never verbally communicates anything. Recently, I took Brittney on a date to a bar to meet one of my guy friends. My friend asked her what she did for fun, and she said very straightforwardly, “I hang out with

Wilt.” That made me feel good. An hour and a couple drinks later, the dance floor opened up and she asked me if my friend wanted to dance. I was a little surprised that she would ask that, but I played it cool and leaned over and asked him if he wanted to dance with Brittney. He declined, saying it was kind of weird. I was a little irritated but didn’t let it show. Then I went to the restroom and left Brittney at the bar. When I got back, some other guy was talking to her. Her arms were crossed and I could tell she was not being cooperative, but I feel as though she should have walked away or said something that would have let this guy know she was taken. Brittney and I went out and danced a bit before calling it a night. Doc, how do I know what Brittney is really feeling and get her to say it? Was it odd that she wanted to dance with my friend and that she didn’t want to get away when approached at the bar by someone who was clearly trying to pick her up? Wilt - who is suddenly confused

Doc Love's Response: Hi Wilt, I’m very happy that my articles have been such a great help to you. But can you just imagine how much more help you’d get if you had my book,"The System"? It is very impressive that Brittney is so industrious and accomplished while also raising two kids. This is very good, pal. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This babe ain’t no bum." And it’s excellent that you don’t put pressure on Brittney. To you psych majors, this is one of the biggest mistakes that men make: they apply way too much pressure on their girlfriends. That being said, you should be going a lot longer than one day without initiating contact with Brittney. What’s your hurry, Wilt? Do you want to ruin a good thing? You might be worried that Brittney isn’t verbalizing her feelings about you, but the important thing is that she asked you to be her boyfriend. What I really like about this girl is that she isn’t constantly blabbing her feelings. She doesn’t break dates, shows up for them on time and she’s affectionate. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What is there for her to give?” She asked you to be her boyfriend, which means she has high Interest Level in you, and that’s what really counts.

But you insist on begging her to communicate more. So now you’re pressuring her. You’re contradicting yourself when you say you don’t pressure her, because you do. Other than showing up for your dates, being affectionate and asking you to be her boyfriend, there’s nothing more she can do. What the heck do you want out of her, Wilt? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re like a woman — you want to hear all the verbiage.” Forget the verbiage, guy. Only her actions that mean anything. And so far this girl is getting an A+ for her actions. Regarding what happened at the bar, you don’t really know what it meant. It’s true that asking your friend to dance was a quirky move on Brittney’s part, and it could be a minor red flag, but I don’t think she was after your friend. Maybe she was thinking that he was a third wheel and she justwanted to be polite and make him not feel left out. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt on this because of her past record, even though it’s only been a couple of months. I prefer that it be more than a couple of months, but that’s all the time you have in with her. Again, you need my book to thoroughly understand how this works. As far as the second guy is concerned, you can’t jump to conclusions because you know nothing about the situation. Brittney might have known the guy. You don’t have any clue what their relationship is or was. And maybe she’s slow to let a guy down, too — did you think of that? That might just be her style. No big deal. She ended up with you that night, didn’t she? How do you know what Brittney is really feeling? Dude, this is why you need my book. You know nothing whatsoever about the Bottom Line Factor. And the bottom line here is that Brittney is a great girl. What happened with your friend and the other guy at the bar are gray areas, and you don’t have 100% of the information you need, so you can’t make a snap judgment and condemn Brittney. What she did that night might have been nothing more than quirkiness on her part and just the way she's wired. But none of it has anything to do with her feelings for you. Remember, guys: Only go by her actions, because they’re what really count.

Reading Her Signals Hey Doc, I’ve gotten my hair cut by Rain twice now at a local style shop. The first time we talked and made normal conversation. I noticed a picture of her daughter on her counter so we chatted about that, and I mentioned that I had a daughter too. So it

was going nicely. I didn’t ask for her numberbecause she was working and it was the first time we really talked. Six weeks later it was time for another haircut. Rain remembered our first conversation and now we got a little more in depth on family issues and so on. She said that she and a couple of her girlfriends had resolved that there would be no guys in their lives until summer since they were so busy. When I walked out she wished me a good time at a family party I told her about. I said it was going to be fun and that I wished she could be there. She said “But it’s not my family,” though she was being cute about it. Being the salesman, I had to close the deal. I waited two hours, called Rain at the salon and said “Hey, I didn’t want to bother you at work, but I was wondering if I could give you a call sometime and maybe we could get together.” She said “Yes, but remember that I don’t want anything. If you want to go out that’s fine, but I’m going to wait before I even think about dating.” I said fine and she gave me her number anyway. I called Rain and left her a message. She phoned back several hours later but only let the phone ring twice before hanging up. She didn’t give me a chance to answer it, which I don’t get. It’s like she wanted me to know that she called because her name showed up on caller ID, but she either didn’t want to talk or she wanted me to call her back. I did, but then she didn’t answer or return the call. Doc, I want to know what I should do to make summer come much faster without pressuring Rain. I’m trying to think of some way of making her say to herself, “I like this guy and want to take it a step further.” Any suggestions? Jean-Claude - who doesn’t want to have to change hair stylists

Doc Love's Response Hi Jean-Claude, When Rain told you that she didn’t want any men in her life until the weather turned balmy, it was the biggest lie in the world. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If Bradley Cooper sat in her chair and wanted to take her out, she’d be flying out the door with him.” But her words were hint number one. It was a mistake to tell Rain that you wished she could be present at your family party. To you Psych majors, you don’t ask a girl something like that when you hardly

know her. Pal, you were coming on HEAVY with Rain, which you’re not supposed to do. What’s wrong with you, Jean-Claude? You haven’t even been out with this girl yet and you’re blatantly showing your Interest Level, which is a no-no. Like my cousin General Love says, “You have a lot to learn, soldier.” When Rain said to you “But it’s not my family,” she was throwing you another strong hint. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Notice that the word ‘NOT’ contains the word ‘NO’?” Don’t flatter yourself that she was being cute about it, my friend. What Rain was trying to tell you – without coming right out and saying it in so many words since you’re her customer at the hair salon — was FORGET IT. Nevertheless, it was good that you attempted to close the deal with Rain. But when she said that she “didn’t want anything,” she was saying that she doesn’t want you. Guy, she’s giving you Womanese at every turn here, but you don’t hear it and you don’t get it because you don’t have my book, which means you couldn’t possibly have read the last chapter, which is entitled WOMANESE. But Rain told you that she would go out with you anyway – on a non-dating basis. That means you’re squarely in the “friendship mode” with her, which is a complete waste of time, and one more way in which Rain is telling you that SHE’S NOT INTERESTED in you — romantically. You want to go out on a date, but Rain doesn’t. She doesn’t want to even have a first date with you, and that’s what she’s trying to tell you in every way possible. But you have her in a delicate position since you’ve trapped her at her place of business, and she had to think of some way to handle it. Dating you without really dating you was her best solution. When Rain only let your phone ring twice, it was symptomatic of wavering LOW INTEREST LEVEL. The reason she never called you back is becauseSHE’S NOT INTERESTED. She keeps on telling you that same thing, over and over, in every way possible. You’re not listening, buddy. How can you make the hot weather come early? Forget it, dude. This babe has indirectly told you four times that she has no interest in you. She doesn’t care for you and she certainly doesn’t want to take it a step further. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, she just sees you as a haircut and a fat tip and that’s it.” You want suggestions? Get my book ASAP and find a new barber. Remember, guys: when she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you.

She Doesn't Love You Hey Doc,

I’m from India and I moved to Italy last year for my studies. That’s where I met Dulcina six months ago. We became very close friends. She is extremely hot and every guy in the neighborhood wants to be with her. I am just above average, and in general most girls aren’t attracted to me. In my 24 years of life, I’ve had only one small relationship while she has had many men. Despite our cultural differences, Dulcina and I have many things in common. I started becoming very attracted to her, and I revealed this to her honestly. At that point she told me that she wanted me only as a friend and nothing more, and I respected her decision and feelings, and we continued our relationship as just friends. At a party I got drunk and made out with a girl I had crush on and then told Dulcina about this incident. She got extremely angry with me, saying that I lied to her about my feelings for her and that I only want to sleep with every other girl I meet. After a huge argument, she didn’t talk to me for two days. I was confused by what happened. After she calmed down, she told me that she did not know that she had feelings for me and that this incident made her realize how much she loves me. She said that she would love to see if we could have a relationship, but she didn’t want to tell anyone and wanted to try dating secretly. Recently, Dulcina and I started living together, but since then everything has fallen apart. She says that I have changed, she keeps criticizing me about everything, says that my personality is not that of the guy she knew and that I am no longer a person with solid principles and that she misunderstood me. We had a big fight, and now she says that she wants nothing to do with me, neither a relationship nor a friendship. I am really perplexed. I don’t want to lose Dulcina in any way. What should I do, Doc? Omar - whose head is whirling

Doc Love's Response Hi Omar, Your first problem with Dulcina is that you got to be close friends with her. When that happened, it took you straight out of the boyfriend-girlfriend zone. To you psych majors, if you’re friends with a babe, you can’t be her boyfriend. You and Dulcina might have everything in common, Omar, including a love of pepperoni pizza, but the most important thing is her interest level in you — which you leave out of your letter altogether. When you told her how attracted you were to her, you weren’t being honest; you were being open. Each of those words has a

completely different meaning and connotation, which are described in my book, which obviously you don’t have. Continuing your relationship with Dulcina as friends because she didn’t care for you romantically was a complete waste of time. When you’re with a female as a friend, you can also hustle other women and get their phone numbers, but if you’re not doing that, being friends does you absolutely no good. When Dulcina flipped out when you told her that you made out with another girl, it proved she was a wacko. First she tells you that she only wants to be friends, but when you tell her that you kissed another girl, she goes crazy. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, she can’t have it both ways.” What she’s saying is that even though you’re not dating her — because she doesn’t want to date you — she wants to keep you as a boyfriend who doesn’t kiss other babes. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She’s nuts.” I don’t buy that your kissing another woman convinced her that she was in love with you. Because she already knew how she felt about you. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Women know how much they like you.” I agree that they sometimes compete with each other for guys, but telling you that she loves you after she insisted on friendship only means that she’s cuckoo or that her ego was bruised. And what’s the big secret if Dulcina is dating you? What is she trying to hide? Like I said, this one is a loon. Now, let me explain something to you, Omar. The reason everything fell apart after you moved in with Dulcina is that she never dug you. You went to live with someone who didn’t care for you romantically. When that happens, you’re asking for nothing but trouble. When she criticizes everything about you, she’s off in la-la land. This girl ran around with you, she’s had tons of experience with men, and she knows exactly how you are. And you didn’t change, so I don’t buy any of her Womanese. My friend, don’t worry about losing Dulcina, because you never had her to begin with. This girl was never in love with you. This entire relationship has been nothing but a huge waste of your time. Remember, guys: Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.

She Wants You Back Hey Doc, I just recently purchased "The System," and read a few chapters. Through it, I discovered why I lost my ex, Lena — I just wasn’t a Challenge for heranymore. A

month ago, she wanted to break up and I agreed to it. After the second week, I totally stop communicating with her and it drove her crazy. Once a week, she would text me and say that she missed me. I held my ground and didn’t respond. I wanted to wait at least a month before talking face-to-face with her about our relationship and its future. Long story short, I recently got together with Lena and she confessed to me that she was seeing another person while we were broken up and that she actually got very romantic with him when she was drunk, even though she didn’t like the guy. She said she felt awful about what she did, then asked that she and I get back together. I felt so disrespected that I told her to never call or communicate with me again. But I’m torn, Doc. Lena is a good girl who is flexible and caring, and she has Integrity — or so I once thought. Here are my questions: Do I have the right to be mad at Lena for “cheating” on me with this other guy when we were officially broken up? It shouldn’t feel like a betrayal, but for some strange reason it does. Should I forgive her? I do respect her for telling me the honest truth about what she did instead of lying or not telling me at all. The truth really does hurt, but I’m glad I know now so I can completely move on if I decide to. I’m looking forward to your coaching. Thank you, Doc. Adam - who feels crushed

Doc Love's Response Hi Adam, You didn’t agree to Lena’s breakup with you. She told you that she had enough of you and that was the ballgame. You didn’t have any choice in this matter at all, guy. But why should it drive Lena crazy? If she gets rid of you and you don’t want to talk to her anymore, why is she bothered by it? I’ll tell you why — because she’s a doubledip, that’s why: a whack-job and a loon. Good for you that you held your ground and didn’t respond to Lena when she texted you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “When it’s over, it’s over.” But what would possess you to want to talk to her face-to-face about your relationship after any length of time? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “What’s to talk about?” And what is there to wait for? Lena no longer dug you, she wanted out, and so there’s nothing to

talk about. You really have to read the chapter in my book called "Going Back," pal. It’s obvious that you didn’t get that far. So Lena was seeing somebody else when you were broken up. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Man, she didn’t waste any time, did she?” Even though she couldn’t stand the guy, with enough Jack Daniel's she toughed it out, right? Hey — great girl! Why would Lena want to get back together with you? What’s important is not that she messed around after you were broken up, which is her right; the important thing — the only important thing — is that she dropped you in the first place. So there’s nothing to go back to, my friend. Again, this whole thing is a dead issue. But you felt so dissed that you never wanted to see or speak to Lena again, and now you’re being all uptight, Adam. What you should have said was “Sure, honey, we’ll get back together, but I’m busy right now with a few new girls, so I’ll have to get back to you.” And then never called her again. Despite her drunken spree with this other guy, you maintain that Lena has all kinds of great qualities. Well, I have to agree that she’s flexible, all right. Especially when she’s hanging out with strange men and swilling a lot of booze! No, Adam, you don’t have any right whatsoever to be angry with Lena forcheating on you when you were officially broken up. To you psych majors, when she drops you, what happens between her and any other guy is none of your concern. You’re out and it’s over. There’s nothing to forgive — she’s not your girlfriend anymore. Let me remind you again: she dumped you. One more thing. You don’t really respect Lena for telling you the truth about what happened between her and this other dude during their drunken night together. Respect isn’t an issue here. Your heart is broken; that’s what really happened. So just admit it to yourself and move on. And that’s what you have to do now, ASAP: move on. Remember, guys: Once she dumps you, you have no say whatsoever over what she does or who she sees.

The Other Man Hey Doc,

Susan and I met through mutual friends. We hit it off well from day one and things were going great until one of our late-night conversations veered into her somewhat secretive relationship. She was going on about how much she liked me and had feelings for me, which I assured her were mutual. Then she threw in the but: “I’m in a relationship and it’s kind of confusing.” So I asked her to try to explain it to me as best as she could. Basically, she is involved with another guy we’ll call Joe. Susan is 100% Chinese, so her family influence is very strong, which is nice because I’m a family guy myself. However, she’s afraid to tell her parents about her boyfriend, which is why no one else around her but me knows about him. She said she wants us to keep things casual, which was fine by me because we were just hanging out anyway. This guy Joe, however, is in China for at least another year. They have been separated by this distance for three months or so. From what I was told by Susan, he is living with a very attractive Chinese woman. Well, at this point, I was okay with the situation, but after many late nights of deep conversation and going out to bars with Susan, I started to develop feelings for her. I told her I don’t want to be the guy who tears apart a relationship, but one night something rather inevitable happened and we ended up getting very romantic. We both enjoyed it immensely and she insisted that we do it again, but I told her it can’t happen again until she is not involved in another relationship. She smiled and said she would take care of things and not to worry. However, when I last talked to her, she said she really loves Joe and that the two of them talked and have decided to have an open relationship. I know that neither open relationships nor long-distance relationshipswork, and Susan’s relationship with Joe is both. In the end I know their relationship isn’t going to work out. But she is insistent that it will and that she doesn’t want to lose Joe. I’m confused about what to do, since Susan and I aren’t officially dating. And I certainly don’t want her to be with Joe. I plan on still seeing Susan and hanging out with her, and we will likely get romantic again, but is it wrong of me to continue what we’ve been doing knowing it’s going to damage an already failing relationship? Maximillian - who doesn’t want to be a third wheel

Doc Love's Response Hi Maximillian, Your first big mistake was assuring Susan that her feelings for you were mutual. The man never talks about his Interest Level. So what are you doing telling this babe that you dig her? What’s more, if you didn’t admit that her feelings were mutual, you would have been a challenge to Susan. You would have set it up so that she would have had to work for you or negotiate to win you. But you blew all of that by having no discipline whatsoever and flapping your gums. When Susan told you that she was involved with some guy named Joe, you should have known right then and there that you were wasting your time. It’s not fine that you were just hanging out with her. Max, you have to stop seeing Susan because you are frittering away your time on something that has no future because she has a boyfriend. To add to the confusion, Joe is living with an attractive woman in China. Dude, all this does is make the entire situation even messier. Who knows who’s up to what? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “This is not the type of girl you want for a long-term relationship.” But it doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’ve started developing deeper feelings for Susan. To you psych majors, what happens when you spend time with a babe is that you start to like her. This is why when Susan said she had a boyfriend that you should have been immediately out of there. When you told Susan you didn’t want to be the guy to break up her relationship with Joe, you were being all heavy and serious. You shouldn’t have gone anywhere near that type of subject. You’re supposed to keep it light and funny, remember? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re better off being the court jester.” You don’t get into heavy, serious conversations with someone you like, especially someone who has a boyfriend who’s far, far away. It’s obvious that you haven’t memorized my book. Judging from your blunders, I’ll bet you don’t even have it. Then Susan told you that she and her boyfriend have decided to have an open relationship. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Now you definitely know you don’t want her.” And by the way, Max, why are you concerned about Susan and Joe’s relationship not working out? Your relationship with Susan isn’t working out! In fact, your relationship with her never got started. Like my cousin General Love says, “This plane never even got off the runway.”

You might be dying to get romantic with Susan again, but all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get burned when the other guy comes back. Like I said before, this whole deal is nothing but a waste of time. You’re No. 2 here, and the third wheel you don’t want to be. Of course it’s wrong to continue what you’re doing, but only because you’re going to get hurt down the road. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Bro, you’re playin’ with fire.” My job is to protect your heart. This girl is not available, so if I were you, my friend, I wouldn’t hang out with her at all. Remember, guys: When she has a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.

Getting To Know Her Hey Doc, I used to play drums in a semi-successful band, and it gave me the ability to find new women, albeit not always the most stable ones. I was basically dating girls who were sexy loon-bats, hoping one would surprise me and actually have a little more substance than I initially suspected. But I was never really purposefully seeking “marriage caliber” women, so, unsurprisingly, I didn't find any. Now I’m about to turn 30, I’m in college again, am working hard to start my dream business, haven’t been in a band for several years and hardly go out and party at all. I’ve begun seeing Erica, a shy, friendly, caring girl who works with children in her job. I knew from the moment she opened her mouth that she was the kind of girl I’ve always secretly wanted to marry and resolved that I had to have her absolutely no matter what. But, rather than dive headlong into the shallow end, I decided to go in slowly and maintain Challenge. I asked her to lunch, we talked for an hour, I didn’t kiss her (but did pay), and it was a big success. Now, the problems. Erica has been dating for a while, but with very limited success. I haven’t asked her much about her dating past, but she still lives with her parents in our rural, conservative Christian area. She seems completely normal and welladjusted, so I’m chalking this one up as a non-red flag. Am I right? Secondly, Erica is not a traditional beauty. I think most guys are turned off by her facial features, but I find them adorable for some reason. (So, really, I’m not facing a lot of competition. I’m no Superman, but I’m confident I’m a cut or two above the guys she’s been seeing.)

So far, we’ve been out on three dates. The lunch date, dinner and a movie, and a double date with her best friend whom she considers a sister. She had to cancel our next date because of a birthday party for a young family member she had forgotten about. I feel like Erica’s Interest Level is pretty high, as several times during our dates she reached for my hand, touched me playfully, and we kissed. She also futured me, saying we could go to a bar for our next date since I had mentioned wanting to. I estimate she’s in the 70s or 80s right now as far as Interest Level is concerned. I think I’m doing a decent job with this girl, but decent isn’t good enough. I need to knock it out of the park, and, for that, I’m calling on your valuable insight. What can I do to drive Erica crazy? Wit — who is finally warming up to settling down

Doc Love's Response Hi Wit, I can tell right off the bat that you have some brains. When you’re in a band, you’re going to meet lots of women, but even though they’re attractive, you realized what’s going on between their ears. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “And it ain’t all that much.” Let me explain something to you, Wit. Marriage-caliber women are the best women to date. To you psych majors, if she’s not marriage caliber, that means she’s nothing. And if she’s nothing, what are you doing with her? So you’re wrong to assume that marriage-caliber women are not great for dating. They’re actually the ones that you want to spend your time with. Why would you want to waste your time with someone who doesn’t deserve it? If Erica is working with children in her job, it shows that she’s got a heart. And it also means that she would be a good mother. I like her traits, Wit. And I compliment you for not diving into the shallow end with her, because that’s exactly what 90% of the guys out there would do. Now here’s your problem when you’re looking for red flags. You haven’t been out with Erica enough yet to come to any conclusions about anything. Dude, you don’t know if she’s normal and well-adjusted or a complete whack job, because it’s not possible. The fact is that you’ve only spent a few hours with this girl, which means

you don’t know her — at all. I’ve said this before and I will repeat it again: Until you get to 10 or 12 dates, you can’t count anything! Don’t worry about your “competition.” Your competition is yourself. As far as Erica’s looks go, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” If you find Erica attractive, that’s all that matters. You say that you are several cuts above guys that Erica has been out with. Is that because of your product knowledge or because you just think you’re better looking? Did Erica counter-offer when she cancelled your last date? Did she set another date at another time? You don’t mention any of that. You might have my book, but you don’t understand it, guy; I can tell by your questions. It’s nice that Erica is affectionate with you and that she’s talking about the future, but, once again, you only have three dates in with her. This means you don’t have nearly enough information about her and you certainly haven’t gained a beachhead with her. What can you do to drive her crazy? Memorize “The System.” It’s that simple. Show her manners and class, and never get all heavy and serious. And don’t get mushy — keep it light and funny, and always be a gentleman. If you observe those rules, you’ll have a shot. Remember, guys: After three dates, you don’t know anybody.

Her Interest Level Hey Doc, First of all, I’d like to thank you for being there for us, on your mission to coach mankind! I met Brianna five years ago. We live in adjacent cities about two hours away from each other. Initially I thought that I’d move closer to her with time. Then it turned out that it’s almost impossible to find a job as well paid and as secure in her city as mine. Although Brianna’s city is bigger, they would offer me only a 30% higher salary, and everything there is 300% more expensive, so I’d consider it a financial downgrade, which I’m not going to take. Three years after our relationship started, I asked Brianna to marry me but we didn’t, instead staying engaged for quite a long time. I didn’t grasp it then, but now I realize that her Interest Level was slowly dropping. A couple of years ago she started pushing me for a baby. I wasn’t ready for that, though, because we still weren’t living together. Now I realize that we don’t have too many common interests either!

Finally, a year ago, Brianna started pushing me for the child really hard and she told me that she’d either get pregnant or leave me. At that point I gave in and she got pregnant. We married a year ago and my son was born in June, 2012. Afterward, Brianna’s Interest Level was probably in the 50s. She changed the rules (after the marriage and the kid!), startednagging me almost to death and not caring about me at all. She wouldn’t let me eat, sleep, enjoy myself, etc. I now spend some of the time with Brianna and the child, and the rest in my city. Recently things have really deteriorated. Brianna calls me horrible names and threatens to divorce me. I’ve got “The System” now and have realized all my mistakes. But too late! If I’d gotten it a year and a half ago, everything would be different right now! Doc, I’ve lost some of my confidence with all the nagging. We’re back together and Brianna’s behaving normally and not nagging quite as much, but she doesn’t touch me, doesn’t hug me, doesn’t kiss me. Please tell me whether it’s possible to reverse this process somehow. You say that once Interest Level dips under 50%, there’s no way back. But perhaps something could work out? I would really like to keep my family together and not leave the kid without a father. Calvert - who feels beaten down

Doc Love's Response Hi Calvert, You say you live two hours away from Brianna. Right there you’re talking about 120 minutes separating you and your wife. And you know what this does to a relationship. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind.” Brianna’s Interest Level was slowly dropping because of the distance between you and the fact that you weren’t doing anything right. To you psych majors, you have to see a woman you’re dating two or three times a week in order to keep it going. In addition, you were engaged, which doesn’t make any sense at all if you’re not living in the same area as your fiancée. Now let me ask you this: How is it that you can go with a woman for several years and not have common interests with her — and not realize it? That’s yet another negative effect of a long-distance relationship. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You two were so far away from each other, you didn’t know who she really was.”

But she told you that she had to get pregnant or leave you. Now think about this, pal. Brianna’s saying “Either I have a child or you have to leave me.” That is an ultimatum! I don’t like ultimatums, which you'd know if you’d read my book. Ultimatums are not loving. Like my cousin General Love says, “They’re more like gunslingers daring each other to draw first.” Brianna should have tried to work this out with you, but you got into a bad situation at the very beginning of this relationship because of the distance. And the mess started right there, and you have not been able to clean it up because of the distance and not knowing “The System.” Congratulations on your child. The problem is that Brianna went andchanged the rules on you as soon as the little guy arrived. I’m shocked! Women never do that! But seriously, being called names and being issued ultimatums is no fun. Well, I have to say one thing: Brianna sure is a sweet and loving wife! But now you’ve got my book and you’re realizing all of your mistakes. Your first — and biggest — was picking a woman who lives so far away. Of course everything would have been different if you’d gotten “The System”a couple of years ago. Every guy tells me that! If Brianna’s Interest Level is 51%, there are techniques you can use to nudge it up. But if it’s below 51%, you’re dead in the water, and the worst part is that Brianna is the mother of your child. What you have to do is this: Don’t touch your wife, don’t kiss her and keep it light and funny. If she wants affection, she has to come to you. But you cannot reciprocate until she cuts out the nagging and namecalling and ultimatums. And nothing can work out once Interest Level drops below 51%. I’m sorry, buddy. It’s good that you would like to keep your family together and not leave your kid without a father, but you should have thought of that before you got entangled in a messy longdistance relationship. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Now the best you can hope for is that your kid doesn’t hate you for the rest of his life.” Remember, guys: If you want the odds in your favor, you have to memorize “The System.”

Keeping It Light and Playful Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your columns for a month now, and I do believe everything you say is pretty much on point. Whether the man has the cojones or the self-discipline to live his life by "The System" well, that’s another thing altogether. Either way, consider me a believer.

I dated Britt for a year. We met when we were dating other people: She was married and I had a girlfriend. Eventually, she left her husband and we ended up getting together (she didn’t leave him for me). We live about an hour away from each other, so technically it was a long-distance relationship. Throughout the first year, everything was absolutely incredible. Britt was the most caring, loving girl I had ever been with. But whenever we would talk about the future, she was inconsistent. Sometimes she would say that she was absolutely traumatized by marriage and wasn’t sure if it was something she would ever want to do again. Other times (when I’m assuming her Interest Level must have been astronomical), she would tell me she wanted to be my wife one day. Her ex-husband was a jerk and the complete opposite of who I am. Since we lived in different areas, our relationship really only consisted of seeing each other on the weekend, but we never missed one. We got along perfectly, our families and friends all loved each other, and I honestly thought that she was the last stop for me. One day, pretty much out of nowhere, Britt tells me she wants to take a big step back and she’s feeling too much pressure. Between our relationship getting serious, the trauma from divorce, our different life goals (I want marriage and kids one day, not anytime soon, and she isn’t sure she ever wants either), the fact that she is turning 30 and is not sure what to do with her career, etc., she was feeling overwhelmed. She said we moved too fast (we started dating only a few months after her separation). Since I was completely blindsided by this and had not read your columns at the time, I will admit I did not play it cool and I tried to fight for things to work rather than give Britt the space she was asking for. Two months later, and it’s all over between us. I haven’t seen her in a month and the only communication we have is through emails. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even too heavy for me to even want to talk to her. She tells me she still wants to see me to talk, but only if it’s going to be fun and not heavy. I can’t help but keep blaming myself, thinking I pushed too hard when she was unsure, rather than backing off. What I would like to know is did I push her away even further when she said she needed space, or should I chalk the emotional baggage from her past and her fear of commitment up to the fact that I never really had a shot anyway? Please go easy on me, Doc. Vlad - who is without a clue

Doc Love's response Hi Vlad, First of all, you’re not a believer because you don’t own "The System." Worse, you’re writing a letter about a girl you’re having a problem with, and my book could have taken care of that problem for you! It would have been better for you if Britt had lived closer, my friend. But you wouldn’t know that because you don’t have my book. Now, let me explain something to you. You shouldn’t be talking about the future with a babe you’re dating. That’s your problem here. To you psych majors, when you start talking about the future and she’s not on the same page, it comes off as pressure. Another thing: talking about the future is anti-Challenge. She should be wondering about how you feel about the future, not vice versa. When Britt complained that she didn’t know if she ever wanted to getmarried again, she was just flapping her gums. It had nothing to do with her interest in you. She was baring her soul to you, but her actions showed that she had high Interest Level in you. At other times she said she wanted to be your wife, didn’t she? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You should have just let her zigzag.” It didn’t mean anything. She was with you all the time, and she was just throwing up from a bad relationship, that was all. The important point is this: Because you don’t have my book, you didn’t know to keep your mouth shut. Vlad, remember that even if Britt’s ex-husband was a jerk, she picked him. Why did she like the jerk? What does that say about her choices? When Britt said she needed to take that big step back from your relationship and said she was feeling too much pressure, it verified everything I just told you. She wasn’t feeling pressure anywhere except from you. It was all coming from your insistence on talking about the future, and nowhere else. You were pressuring her and you didn’t even realize it. Now the important question is this: Do you have the cojones to get my book and memorize it? Once again, when Britt complained about all the things she didn’t want in life, she was still with you. Again, she was just reacting to her bad marriage. Your problem was that you didn’t keep it funny and light — something else you would have known if you’d had my book. Britt might have been feeling overwhelmed, but you were the one who started it all. You were the problem, not all that other stuff. Britt didn’t move too fast;you moved too fast. And as a result, you weren’t a Challenge because you don’t have my book. You read four columns, you loved them, and you still don’t have the book. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Now you’re paying the price.”

When Britt asked for some space, you made the situation worse and lowered her Interest Level even more by trying to fight it. You reinforced the fact that you were pressuring her. and pressure never works. When she tells you that she only wants to talk to you if it’s fun and not heavy, she’s once again verifying what I said. Britt wants fun and not heavy — and that’s the key to “The System.” And the sad part is that you read four articles and still didn’t invest in the book. Vlad, you did push too hard on Britt. Her emotional baggage wasn’t a problem; the problem was your pressure on top of that baggage. You did have a shot with Britt, pal, but you blew it. Remember, guys: Only allow her to talk about the future.

Counter Offer Alexa started working with me recently, and right from the start, we hit it off pretty well. Because I never like to rush into anything with a coworker, I decided to get to know her a little better and take things slow. After three or four weeks, I got the feeling that she was into me, and it became really obvious when her friends started asking me how I felt about her. So I decided to ask her out, but the day I asked her out for she had plans. She asked me to ask her out again when I was free. A few days later Alexa called me wanting to know if I would like to go to the movies with her that night, but due to a previous commitment, I couldn’t. A week later I asked Alexa out again, and she told me that she couldn’t date me right now because she has way too much going on and one of her friend’s mothers just passed away and she felt that he needed her. Since she likes him, she said — and this was a little cryptic — she said that it wouldn’t be right for her to date me right now. I knew that Alexa had a lot going on. Any time you go to college and work full time, it’s hard to be able to do anything else, but I felt like what she said about her friend meant she wanted to see him and not me. She asked if I was upset, and I told her I was but that I would get over it, and if she changes her mind about getting together, to let me know. She said she would definitely do that. It’s been a week since we had that exchange. Since then, she has complimented me on how cute she thought my teeth and eyes are, and she’s told me every other day that she will call or text me — but then nothing ever happens. I’ve even caught her staring at me over the cubicle walls, but I don’t know what it means. I have read your book and still don’t know what to do. Am I being jerked around for some reason? I have no idea if Alexa is seeing this other guy, and I don’t know if I should wait for her or just forget about her and start dating other girls.

Doc, anything you can give me on this would be greatly appreciated. Dhani - who’s scratching his head

Doc Love's Response Hi Dhani, First of all, I hope you didn’t talk to Alexa’s friends about her. If she talks to her friends about you, that’s OK. But you don’t want to be talking to them about your feelings for her, because, like my cousin General Love says, “That’s going to go straight back to her like a rocket.” When you asked Alexa out and she had plans, why didn’t she counter-offer? Why didn’t she mention another day when she could get together with you? I’ll tell you why — because she’s not interested in you, that’s why. When she told you to ask her out again, you should have said, “Go ahead and pick a day when you’re free.” In other words, you should have closed her twice on the spot. When you couldn’t make it when she asked you to the movies, why didn’t you counter-offer and mention another night? To you psych majors, when an offer is incoming and you can’t make it, you have to play the role of the female and make a counter offer. But when you finally connected with Alexa again and asked her out, she begged off, citing her relationship with this other guy. So is she dating him? Or is she just using him as an excuse not to have to get together with you? What does the evidence say? You’ve made passes at Alexa, but she refuses to date you, which tells you that she doesn’t care for you. Simple as that. When she said that it wouldn’t be “right” for her to date you, it’s just double-talk — or Womanese. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “This is called a screen pass, bro.” What Alexa is really saying is that she doesn’t dig you. If this other guy whose feelings she’s so concerned with is indeed just a friend, why would he care if she dated you? Think about it, guy. Sadly, it’s true that she wants to see this other dude and not you. Now, why in the world would you tell Alexa that you were upset that she won’t date you? Dhani, you never bare your soul to a woman. You nevertell a woman she got to you. So why did you let that out? And you say you have my book? If you’re upset that a girl merely won’t go out with you, what would happen if a babe dropped you after six or seven dates? How would you react then? A little self-control here, Dhani.

But Alexa keeps telling you that she’s going to call or text you, but then nothing ever happens. Like they say in Texas, “This girl is all hat and no cattle!” And she stares at you over the cubicle walls at your job, but you don’t know what it means. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It means she should see a psychiatrist.” You might have looked at my book, Dhani, but you haven’t read it once a week for 15 weeks like you have to, that’s for sure; I can tell by what you did and the questions you ask. Your problem is so clearly covered by the bottom-line factor in the Dating Dictionary, it’s unbelievable! Are you being jerked around for some reason? Yes, my friend — and you’re being polite to yourself. Should you go out with other girls or wait for Alexa? I think you should wait. Hey, look at it this way — maybe you can end up being best man for this other guy at Alexa’s wedding! Remember, guys: When you ask her out and she turns you down and doesn’t counter-offer, it means she doesn’t care for you.

You're Just A Friend Hey Doc, Ireland and I have been talking almost every day for the past few weeks. Originally I started talking to her because her crazy boyfriend was harassing her, and I was just trying to give her some relief. I did not expect to be talking to her every single day. But she usually initiates the contact, and we talk until bedtime. We have hung out here and there, all times initiated by her, and nothing romantic has ever happened. From the start, I thought Ireland would be just a friend. One night we got drunk and touchy and she slept on my couch, but I made sure not to make any moves as it was very late and we both had to wake up early. Whenever we text, it always seems like we let one another know that we were thinking about each other. We can go on for hours and we’ve only known each other for a month. I never told her that I liked her, because I knew she wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship (she just got out of one) and I didn’t even know if I could handle one; basically if we stayed friends, I would be cool with it. The other day, Ireland texted me and told me about how people were making comments that I liked her, and she proceeded to tell me that she really likes me as a friend, but that she doesn’t want a relationship. I told her that I didn’t like her, and that

I would have told her if I did like her, and that I knew she didn’t want a relationship at the moment. I also told her I was glad she brought it up, because from what I saw, it kind of seemed like she liked me. I know that nothing will happen between us, but what confuses me is that Ireland keeps texting me. Even after telling me she doesn’t want a relationship, she always finds a way to make conversation. Is this love creeping at my door? Or am I the crazy one? Putney — who wonders if there’s more behind her words

Doc Love's Response Hi Putney, Let me get this straight: You’re talking to Ireland every single day? Right, there’s your first mistake, dude. To you psych majors, you can’t talk every single day to a girl you’re interested in because you’re murdering Challenge when you do that. This tells me straight out of the gate that you’ve never even seen my book, let alone memorized it! Ireland’s crazy boyfriend might very well be harassing her, but why are you getting so involved and listening to her all day long? Why are you being her psychiatrist? Do you really want to be this girl’s counselor? You should just tell her, “Hey, don’t worry — you’ll work it out. And by the way, let’s go out on a date!” But, no, you insist on talking to Ireland until you’re dropping off to sleep. You’re giving this girl way, way too much time here, Putney. And it’s reinforcing the fact that you’re in the friendship zone. Like my cousin General Love says, “This is very, very dangerous territory here, soldier. In fact, it’s a no-man’s land.” When Ireland keeps initiating all this contact with you, why aren’t you turning her down and being a Challenge instead? You should be saying to her, “I like you and all, but I’ve got a hot date tonight.” That’s what you should be feeding this girl rather than being so available. And you’re available all the time, Putney. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You might as well be a 24/7 paramedic!” The reason you’re not making any moves on Ireland isn’t because you have to get up really early in the morning, buddy. You’re not making any moves because this babe doesn’t dig you romantically. Get real, here.

If you know that Ireland doesn’t want a relationship, what in the world are you doing spending all this time with her? This is all a big waste of time! You could be out hustling other women, guy, instead of holding onto the receiver listening to Ireland spill her guts to you every night. What’s the matter with you? When Ireland said that she “likes you as a friend but doesn’t want a relationship,” you should have paid close attention. Because she said it all right there. That’s the beginning and the end of the story, my friend. When you said that you didn’t like her and didn’t want a relationship, that’s a flat-out lie. You’re completely in love with Ireland. So don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. Now let me explain to you why this babe keeps texting you. It’s a simple matter, really. You’re her pal. You’re her brother. You’re her girlfriend. She feels she can confide in you anytime. You’re her psychiatrist. Heck, you’re more available than her shrink! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re everything but a date.” In other words, everything you want to be for Ireland, you’re not. Is Ireland crazy? No, you’re the crazy one for thinking you have a chance with her. Is love knocking at your door? No way. You’re hearing things, man. And yes, like I said, you’re definitely the crazy one. Get my book ASAP. It’s your only hope. Remember, guys: if you get stuck in the friendship zone, you’re dead.

Girlfriend And Her Ex Hey Doc, I’ve read “The System” and it’s helped me out a great deal in my relationships, but I can’t seem to figure out a solution to my current issue. I’ve been dating Morgan for about six months now. Everything was going smoothly until her ex’s sister asked her to babysit her son every Sunday night. Morgan dated her ex for four years and they broke up a year ago. Now, I wasn’t at all comfortable with this arrangement, but Morgan insisted, telling me that she is the godmother of this child and it wouldn’t be right if she declined. The arrangement seemed fine until she told me that she ran into her ex while babysitting. From that point on, she seemed to occasionally keep running into him while looking after the kid. She insisted that it was nothing but friendly chat when they talked. I went along with it and played it cool. Then one day Morgan asked me if it was all right for her to have coffee with her ex in order to persuade him to pay back the money he owes her (he apparently owes her thousands). Again, I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but I played it smooth once more and told her to just get the money back.

More recently, Morgan asked if she could go and visit her ex’s family because they invited her to some sort of family event. At that point I told her that I was uncomfortable with this situation and she shouldn’t be staying in contact with her ex or his family. She got upset and brought back the whole “godmother-of-her-ex’snephew” issue. Doc, what am I supposed to do here? I’ve been very understanding of her position as the child’s godmother, but it keeps bringing her ex back into the picture. I feel like I’m going to lose Morgan if I haven’t already. I’d love to know what you’d do in this situation. Klaus - who’s between a rock and a hard place Hi Klaus, Here’s the problem with Morgan’s first request to babysit. If this were a one-shot deal, it would be one thing. But it’s not. You’re talking babysitting on a continuous basis here. When Morgan says she wants to babysit every Sunday night, it means she wants to do it every Sunday nightforever. So what she’s doing here is going into the past, and that’s not a good thing since the past includes this ex of hers. She should have turned her ex’s sister down because she should have known that she was inevitably going to run into this ex, which would make you uncomfortable and would be disloyal to you. But Morgan doesn’t know a thing about loyalty because she doesn’t see that it’s an issue here. And remember that according to the “The System,” loyalty is No. 1 to a man in a relationship. But Morgan insisted on babysitting her godchild. Now, you know if you’ve read my book that I do not believe in ultimatums. However, in 1% of these situations, an either/or response is justified. So you should have said to Morgan, “Do you want to babysit this kid, or do you want to keep me as your boyfriend?” This woman is either dumb or naïve because she is going to run into her ex if she insists on this ridiculous arrangement. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Maybe this is just an excuse to see her ex, whom she really misses, and babysitting the kid is the perfect ruse to do it.” And Morgan did indeed run into her ex while babysitting. Dude, I’m shocked! How could something like that happen? But here’s the most important point: why didn’t your girlfriend keep her mouth shut about seeing her ex? And why is she rubbing this guy in your face? How is this a loving act in any way? How is it supposed to make you feel that Morgan is running into this guy? Is it supposed to make you feel better? But she insists that she wants her money back and that’s all there is to it. Morgan was stupid to lend her ex thousands of bucks to begin with. But the really big problem here is this: Your girlfriend wants to spend time with an ex. Like my cousin Brother

Love down in Watts says, “Babysitting ain’t got nothin’ to do with this situation no more.” Morgan’s not going to get the money back from her ex. If she hasn’t gotten a penny back over the last year, she’s not suddenly going to start collecting now. And her ex — who no doubt wants her back — is probably baiting her with some line of BS like this: “Hey, I’m really trying hard to pay you back, but can we have coffee and talk about it?” Now Morgan is being invited by her ex’s family to a family event. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Why doesn’t she just ask them if she can move in with them while she’s at it?” But when you protested your discomfort, she brought up her godchild as an excuse. In other words, it’s more important for her to be a godmother to her ex’s nephew than it is to make the man she’s allegedly in love with feel comfortable and loved. What would I do if I were you? Drop her ASAP. And that’s what you should do, too. You’ve already lost Morgan. This is a girl you met on the rebound and she has no feelings for you. So there’s nothing to do but jettison her, the sooner the better. Remember, guys: If she finds an excuse to see her ex, you don’t own her.

Loyalty Is Everything Hey Doc, I’m a loyal fan and I always recommend your articles to my guy friends. I met Shana four months ago on an online dating site. She’s 33 and a knockout. We hit it off and have been dating since. I always follow your rules and never contact her unless she reaches out to me, and we only go out about once a week. I’ve been working hard on being a Challenge, and it has paid off with this woman. Her Interest Level is high and she’ll do anything I ask. She always compliments me on how smart I am and talks as if we’re going to be together forever. Now here’s where I think I went wrong. I started inviting Shana to some small social get-togethers with some of my friends. Everyone liked her and she seemed to have a blast. Two months ago, I planned a trip to a casino town to help my best friend celebrate his advanced degree (he’s 36). He was bringing his girlfriend, so I thought it would be a great idea to invite Shana along. Shana had never met my friend, but I suspect she had been checking out his Facebook page because at two separate points she mentioned to me that she had a dream and that my friend was in it. I thought it was odd since she had never met him but I played it cool and just laughed it off, but it stuck in my head.

Now, usually Shana dresses very casually. But when we left for this trip, she showed up at my place dressed to kill: short skirt, fresh pedicure/manicure, hair perfect, etc. I was like, "Wow! You look great — but for a car ride?" My fears were confirmed when they met. I could tell immediately that Shana was very attracted to my friend and it was difficult for her to hide it. She was giving him all kinds of signals, intently focusing on anything he said, asking questions, following him around, being provocative, and I would catch her staring at him regularly. Thank God this was only a one-day trip, but I was hurt. I found it difficult to hide my attitude that night, though I never said why I had it. I was so angry that when we got to my place and we all said our goodbyes, Shana came inside, and I simply packed up the little stuff she had at my house and handed it to her. She teared up a bit, and I apologized for being distant the night before. I never explained to her why I was upset because I assumed she must have known and she never asked me why or what was wrong. I swore to myself I would never contact Shana again because she disrespected me in front of my friends. I’m the guy she was supposed to be trying to impress, and I’m the dummy who paid the bill for her to be along for the trip. The absence of contact for the past week has been eating me up, though, and now I’m wondering if I should have sat Shana down and explained to her why I was upset and why I ended it. I’m not sure I would have been able to do it without sounding insecure or like a wuss. So Doc, did I do the right thing? Do you think Shana knew what was up? If she reaches out to me, should I tell her she embarrassed me or do I need to close the door on this and never speak to her again? Portnoy - who has a lot to complain about

Doc Love's Response Hi Portnoy, You’re telling me that you’re going out with a knockout and you’re reading my articles but you don’t have my book. To you psych majors, when yougo out with a beauty, you need all the ammunition you can get in order to hold someone like this. If Shana is 33 and available and she’s a beauty, she’s dangerous. Like the old cowboy saying goes, “She’s planted a lot of hearts up on Boot Hill.” Why are you waiting to get more ammunition? Now let me get this straight. Shana, who never met your friend, is saying she’s dreaming about him? When she told you this, you should have come right out and

asked her if she’d been to his Facebook page. Portnoy, her dream wasn’t odd; it was downright weird. Then Shana went ahead and practically threw herself at your friend during your little jaunt. And you have to look at it this way, too: She was also doing all this stuff in front of the girl your buddy brought along on the trip. So she wasn’t just insulting you; she was also totally dissing this guy’s girlfriend because her Interest Level in your friend is so high. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Shana’s a real gem.” You don’t owe Shana an apology for anything, my friend. You got it backwards. She owes you an apology. Of course she knew what she did was wrong. This girl gets a big, fat “F” in Loyalty. Shana did totally disrespect you in front of your friends. You took the right approach by handing back her stuff and telling her to get lost. My hat is off to you for the way you handled it. So why would you want to talk to this babe now? She didn’t just send up one minor red flag here — she sent up a whole field full of red flags with this friend of yours in the short amount of time you were all together. And what can she say now? “Gee, Portnoy, you’re right. I flirted with this guytwo dozen times and I was wrong and I’m never going to do that again. Gee, I don’t know what got into me!” Do you really think you’re going to have that conversation, my man? Did you do the right thing? You did the right thing perfectly, buddy. Of course Shana knew what was up. She’s not stupid. Thirty-three and beautiful? Come on, dude. If she calls you up, tell her you’d like to talk to her but you can’t because your date’s in the bathroom. Then tell her to keep in touch. Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have Loyalty, she’s worthless.

Don't Repeat The Same Old Mistakes Hey Doc, I was with my ex-girlfriend, Suzi, for three and a half years. Six months ago, she said she wanted to take a break. We didn’t talk for about a month after that. We haven’t officially gotten back together, but for the past five months, we’ve seen each other as much as we used to. One problem is that we are in a long-distance relationship (about an hour between us), so we only see each other on weekends. Other than the distance, I thought everything was going well, as in I thought we would eventually get back together. Suzi gave me all the hints that suggested it (or maybe I just wanted to see those

hints). For instance, when I asked her if we could get back together in the future, she says there’s a chance. She still flirts with me and touches me like I'm her boyfriend. We take turns going to each other’s houses and spending the night. Basically it has felt like we were together again but without the official title, so to speak. One day, Suzi was showing me her new phone and I spotted the photo of a guy I didn’t recognize. She took the phone away from me, so I became curious. Eventually I came to find out that she was talking to another guy. Later I found out they were intimate after only two weeks of seeing each other. Now, I would think this is a normal occurrence for relationships and affairs, but for Suzi and me, it’s different because we were both saving ourselves for each other. As you can imagine, Doc, this hurts me in every possible way. Not only is it painful, but it is also embarrassing and demeaning to me and I can’t discuss it with my friends. I am angry, jealous, lonely, frustrated and bitter, but I still love her. I don’t know if she still loves me. We have not spoken again for over a month, but she emails and texts me that she misses me. I don’t know if I even want her back anymore, and if I do, what should I do? Is she still worth fighting for or is she a lost cause? Coach me, Doc. Ross — who is reeling from his discovery

Doc Love's Response Hi Ross, When a girl tells you that she wants to take a break, it means that herInterest Level has been lowered and she never wants to see you again. Now, she might not realize it and maybe she even thinks in her own mind it’s a legitimate break, but the Bottom Line Factor says that after a breakup, no relationship ever goes back to being as great as it once was. And that truth holds 100% of the time. When Suzi withdrew from you, she was trying to let you down gently. So it appears as if something might happen again in the future, but all Suzi is doing is giving you false hope. Her Interest Level might only be dropping a point or two a day, but the critical thing is that it’s not like it used to be and it never will be again. You and Suzi are never getting back together, my friend. That’s what you’re missing here. I can tell from your letter that you don’t have my book. If you did, you would

understand why Suzi got turned off by you (which you don’t have a clue about) and you would be moving on. Of course you just want to see those imaginary hints. Suzi is just stroking your ego, but there’s really nothing there. She’ll go back and forth and throw out all the standard excuses: “I’m not sure what I want.” “I’m mixed up.” “I don’t know how I feel.” Eventually it’s over and you realize thatyou’ve wasted all your time with this girl. But the more important problem is not that she dropped you, but that you don’t know why she dropped you, and without my book, you will continue to make the same mistakes with the next girl and the girl after that. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s a vicious cycle, man.” Of course there’s a chance you can get back together. And maybe you can hit the moon with a bow and arrow, too. It might feel to you like you’re getting back together with Suzi, but she’s on her way out. When she gets rid of a guy, she does it gradually. To you psych majors, most women drop you gradually. Why are you surprised that you saw a photo of a guy on Suzi’s phone? She’s not your girlfriend, Ross! Of course she’s talking to other guys. She dumped you, didn’t she? What else do you think she’s going to do with herself? And let me straighten you out on something else: You were saving yourself for her. She wasn’t saving herself for you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Your capital in this relationship has already been spent.” Of course you were hurt by what Suzi did. No guy likes rejection. Rejection is man’s most feared emotion. But when guys get the ax, they always want to know if they can get her back, but they don’t want to know why she got turned off. This is where most men are stupid. Forget what your friends think about this situation. Who cares what they think? Their hearts aren’t broken, yours was. But without “The System,”you’ll never know why Suzi dumped you and you’ll just continue your blunders with the next girl. Suzi is just a girl who’s turned off. Like most women who get turned off, she will go back and forth for a little while until she finally puts you out of your misery. You might still love Suzi, but until you get my book, you’re going to continue down the same road of failure with every woman you go out with for the rest of your life. And hopefully you won’t have kids, because they’re going to be raised by some stranger after the judge gives them away. Does Suzi love you? No. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you don’t know if a girl loves you, that means she doesn’t.” Suzi might text you that she misses you,

but does she tell you how her dates with the other guy are going? Of course you want her back, dude; don’t try to kid yourself. You’re dying inside. If she came running back to you, you’d marry her on the spot. When you say the words “worth fighting for,” you imply there’s some type of chance that you can get Suzi back. But there’s no chance here. When a girl doesn’t talk to you for a month and sees another guy, it means you had your shot and you blew it. You couldn’t hold her. There’s only one piece of coaching I can give you now, and it’s the same coaching most guys need: get "The System"! Remember, guys: If you don’t know why she dropped you, the next girl will drop you for the same reason.

The Right Time To Ask Her Out Hey Doc, I’m from the Czech Republic and have been your student for two months. I’m in my third reading of “The System.” I saw a couple of Cary Grant movies, listen to your talk show every week and read your columns almost daily. I know I am just at the beginning of all this. I must confess that I stumbled upon your book after a hard breakup three months ago. I found many examples of my past mistakes in relationships described in your book, so I’m trying to be more aware now, and I know there is a possibility that I’m on the rebound. Anyway, I’m working as a part-timer in a multinational company. I’m interested in Sasha, who works on the opposite side of the same floor. The problem is that we also play basketball on the same team together. Until this week, we barely knew each other. I heard that she is also fresh off a breakup as well. Just recently we had some small talk about work. After she left, I saw an email from her blinking on my computer. She asked when I would be attending a special worktraining session. I told her, and she said she would attend on the same date. She also added some personal questions about what I like to read, what my university thesis was about and that she heard that I played poker. I replied, and we exchanged three emails that day. Later we stumbled upon each other in the office kitchen and chatted for five minutes. She smiled a lot; it was light and funny, no heavy subjects, but she talked about some personal things. I know I should have asked for her number, but I still don’t have the Confidence and Self-Control at the level I want them. Also, I worry that I can’t be a realChallenge when we play basketball together and work at the same company. I felt that these were not the best circumstances

under which to ask for her number. And, as I mentioned, we are both kind of on the rebound. Here’s my question: can I interpret her chat about personal things, coming to my desk and writing me emails later, smiling, etc. as buying signals? Should I ask for her number? (I know you think that the workplace is not the best place to hustle phone numbers.) Or should I wait until I gain more Confidence and Self-Control? Warek — who is skittish about taking a shot

Doc Love's Response Hi Warek, It’s very important that you listen to my talk show, because when guys call in, you’ll be able to relate to their questions and therefore your awareness level will continue to grow tenfold. Whether you’re on the rebound or not doesn’t make a lick of difference in your situation. You just have to do what I say, and after you memorize my materials, you’ll be on autopilot when it comes to females. You will literally not have to think, no matter what situation you’re presented with. When you absorb my techniques, dealing with babes will be a snap for you — it’ll be second nature. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You’ll be like Michael Jordan elevatin’ for a ‘J’.” Why is it a problem that you work and play hoops with Sasha? Listen to me: It’s not. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s just one more circumstance that you will master.” In other words, no big deal — so don’t make it into one. How do you know that Sasha is fresh off a breakup? Who are you talking to about her? Why are you talking about her at all? If you’re blabbing to some other female about her, whatever you say is going straight back to Sasha. I hope you realize that. To you psych majors, you never talk to other people about a girl you’re interested in. In my book, I talk about how James Bond never yaks to anyone about his spy business. You have to practice being James Bond, my friend. When Sasha asked you about the training session, you should have said to her, “I’ll tell you when we go out on our first date. Give me your phone number.” And is Sasha talking about you to someone? Guy, I don’t like any of this. Forget emailing Sasha — you should get her phone number.

You say you should have gotten Sasha’s number when you were in the kitchen. Well, why didn’t you? If you read my book three times and it says again and again to ask for the phone number, why didn’t you do it? All you have to say to Sasha is, “What’s your phone number?” It’s that simple, pal. Four little words, and it’s all done. If I gave you a million dollars, you could do it, right? Of course you can be a Challenge if you and Sasha work and play together. You just don’t understand “The System” yet because you only read it three times. You don’t grasp yet that all you have to do is keep your mouth shut and flirt with the other girls in the office in front of Sasha toremain a Challenge. But you’d rather keep waiting until the circumstances are ideal. Warek, there are never going to be perfect circumstances to ask for a girl’s phone number. If you’re standing next to the president and she’s there too, you’re still going to have to ask for her phone number. Don’t worry about Sasha being on the rebound. You don’t really know her circumstances and she doesn’t really know yours — hopefully. But way too many people where you work know that you’re interested in her and vice-versa. Like I said, I don’t like it. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Too many wagging tongues can only lead to trouble.” Of course Sasha’s giving you buying signals. So just ask her out. What are you waiting for? Why wouldn’t you ask for her number if you like her? But, no, you want to wait until you have more Confidence and Self-Control. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “By that time, she’ll be married to some other guy.” Remember, guys: You can only judge her Interest Level when she gives you — or doesn’t give you — her phone number.

Hopeless Romantics Hey Doc, I’ve just learned about "The System," but I could sure use your coaching now. I’m 23 and every relationship I’ve been in has been a disaster. For example, after six years of chasing one girl, she turned around and told me I’m not dating material and then blamed me for her suicide attempt. I’m a good guy, but that threw me over the deep end. I was in a bad state over this when Pamela, a girl I knew from college, asked me several times if I was okay. I finally lowered my defenses and opened up about what was going on inside my head. After everything I’ve been through, it takes a very special girl to even catch my attention, and she did.

After coming back from a semester break, I decided I was going to ask Pamela out for coffee, expecting her to say no. She said yes. We went out, and it was great and we’ve continued to see each other. Our relationship is not perfect. Pamela has had to cancel dates quite a few times, but we have rescheduled every one of them. We’ve had coffee, lunch, dinner, gone bowling and even went to a hockey game. Recently I decided to ask her to officially date. She said she needed to think about it, but she told me that she enjoyed the time we spend together. We’ve now graduated, and last week we were having lunch and I was telling her what everyone in my family thinks I need to do with my life. Instead of moving back home across the country, I have chosen to stay here in the east and spend as much time as I can with Pamela before I lose her. However, she was the one who said she thinks I should stay until I find a job. I guess I’m asking what you think. Am I crazy and just seeing things, or do I have a real shot with this girl? Doc, I’m a God-fearing American who has been called a hopeless romantic for the past seven years. I’ve never had a good relationship and my role models growing up were not exactly the best. You may think that this is sappy or pathetic, but I believe in the old ways, and trust me, I see them as dead everywhere. I believe in honor, integrity and the whole nine yards. I have even told Pamela this, and she said she likes all that stuff, too. I just don’t know what to do as far as she’s concerned. Thank you for your time and insights. Franck — who wishes he lived in another era

Doc Love's Response Hi Franck, Listen to what you’re saying here. You’re 23 years young, and every relationship you’ve been in has been a disaster. Well, I’m going to end this catastrophic run for you. You’re not going to have any more disasters with women in the future after you’ve memorized my materials. I guarantee it if you simply do what I tell you and set your ego aside. I’m sorry to hear that you got blamed for a suicide attempt, but you have to realize that you were going out with a nut case. More importantly, this means that you don’t know how to qualify. You don’t know how to tell a good one from a bad one, and that’s where “The System” comes in. In the future, you’ll know the difference.

It’s nice that Pamela got to know you, but why in the world are you making her your psychiatrist? You should only be giving her good information about yourself. This tells me what another one of your problems is, Franck. You’ve confused the word “honest” with “open.” You’re supposed to be honest with women, but not be open with them about your negative issues. You should only be giving to Pamela from your positive pile. Why would you expect Pamela to say no to coffee? You’ve got a negative attitude, guy. Part of being a great salesman is knowing you’re going to be successful. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’ve got to have the belief that you’re going to make the sale. Otherwise, you shouldn’t be trying.” Why is Pamela canceling dates? What this says is that she makes a date with you, but if something more important comes up, she cancels. And it seems that a lot of things come up for her that are more important than you. But you asked her to officially date anyway. To you psych majors, whenever a woman needs to think about it, that means the answer is no. Women say yes, or they say they “need to think about it.” Women say yes, or they say “I’m not sure.” Women say yes, or they say, “Can we talk about this later?” But Pamela maintains that she enjoys the time you spend together. Great! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she ought to get a collie.” Then you went and spilled what your family wants you to do. Why are you talking to Pamela about your trials and tribulations and what you should be doing in the future? You should be making this girl laugh, pal. You should be making her feel comfortable. You should be having fun with her. What you shouldn’t be doing is making her into your mama or your shrink. Let me explain something to you, Franck. You can’t lose Pamela because you don’t have her. Remember that she said that she had to think about it? That means you don’t have her. Just because she suggested you hang around until you find a job doesn’t mean she’s head over heels for you. Yes, you’re crazy and just seeing things, man. You don’t have a shot with this babe. You claim you’re a hopeless romantic. Know what a hopeless romantic is? He’s someone who doesn’t face reality. A hopeless romantic is someone who does things all wrong and rushes into rejection. It’s great to be romantic, but not hopeless. You might not have had good role models in the past, but that’s where I come in. I’m going to be your role model now, and you’re going to memorize my materials. Otherwise you’re going to continue on this disastrous course of doing everything wrong.

You say you’re old-fashioned and believe in all those classic qualities. Well, “The System” believes in honor and integrity, too. Your problem is that you have those wonderful qualities mixed up with pouring your guts and soul out to someone who doesn’t even know if she wants to be with you. Remember, guys: When you bare your soul to a new date, she loses respect for you.

Win Her Back Hey Doc, I’m 22 and finishing college on the West Coast. Alicia, my ex, is 21. We attend college together, and for the first year, she was obsessed with me. Like all relationships, the beginning was the best part. However, times quickly changed, and her interest faded. I have been reading your articles over the past five years or so, and thought I knew the tricks of the trade in the department of women and dating psychology. Truth be told, I knew it only at a conscious level, but I struggled with implementing the wisdom into my own life. Alicia recently broke up with me and I was devastated. After a few days of weakness after the breakup (calling her, texting her, trying to persuade her with words), I realized it was time to get back to basics, learn from my mistakes, improve myself and forget her. I purchased "The System" and read it three times cover to cover. I was so dedicated to making the necessary changes that I took notes from each section, and below the notes, jotted down ideas on how it applied to my life and my previous relationships. Over the course of a month, I continued following the disciplined path toward self-improvement and felt great about my new outlook on life. For this I say thank you, Doc. Yet I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I still was very much in love with Alicia. To try to get over my feelings for her, I began dating other women. Within a week, Alicia came running back to me, furious that I was “moving on so easily” and annoyed at the women throwing themselves at me. She proclaimed that she was having a hard time and confessed that she was still very much in love with me. I took her words with a grain of salt. I told Alicia I didn’t want a relationship with her because in hindsight I hated the way she treated me at the end of our relationship. I had doted on her and she never showed her affection. I told her that if she wanted toget back together with me, she would have to prove it.

The past few months have been fantastic. Honestly, Alicia acts the way she did when we first got together. We aren't technically dating, but she has expressed several times that she wants to try it again, and that she feels like she did when we were doing well. I let "The System" guide my decision-making, and am constantly aware of my own Interest Level in Alicia, not letting it go above the 90s. Now when Alicia says I love you, I make it into a joke. She is now the one looking to see me, and expresses how she misses me if I’m too busy to see her. She is now jealous of other females I just casually spend time with. Despite her jealousy, she is always happy to be with me, a total change from before our breakup. My question is this: Do you think it’s possible to win a girl back by following "The System"? You mention in your book that you should move on, because once they’re gone, you’ve lost them for good. Yet in this situation I feel that I regained control by practicing independence and a small degree of much-needed selfishness. Why did Alicia come running back so quickly and aggressively? Do you think this situation can be sustainable when we begin dating again? Dash — who is stunned how well "The System" works

Doc Love's Response Hi Dash, When you say the beginning of your relationship with Alicia was the best part, you’re saying something very heavy. The reason most relationships go downhill after a great start is because guys aren’t doing the right things. If they did, their relationships would actually continue to improve. You make an excellent point when you say that you had to forget Alicia. Because as I explain in my book, when it’s done, it’s done. But since you’re not a robot, you don’t have a light switch for turning Interest Level on and off, so you shouldn’t feel bad about still being in love with Alicia. Let me get this straight. You had a girl — Alicia — who got rid of you because you were doing everything wrong. Now that you’ve moved on to do the wrong things with other girls she wants you back so that you can do more things wrong. Wha-whawhat? What sense does that make? This babe is a loon! You mention that Alicia is 21 years old.

But you maintain that Alicia is still very much in love with you. Yeah, she’s so in love with you that she treated you like crap at the end, then dumped you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish Love says, “I’d hate to see how she’d treat you if she didn’t dig you.” Of course you have to read her actions toward you, and that shows that you’re learning something. But you’re contradicting yourself, Dash. First you tell me that you’re leaving Alicia, but now you’re starting to bite on her bait again, and Alicia knows it. What do you mean you two aren’t “technically” dating? If you’re seeing Alicia, you’re dating. So come on, guy, don’t hand me double-talk. I wasn’t born yesterday. And make sure that you read the chapter in my book about going back and how it never works. You’re making Alicia’s declarations of love into a joke because they are a joke. Dude, what really happened here is that Alicia couldn’t make out with anybody else after she dropped you. Then, when you started running around with a bunch of other babes, you made her jealous. That’s all there is to this situation. No, it’s not possible to win a babe back. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When her Interest Level hits 49%, I don’t care if you hit the lottery; she will never take you back.” The reason you lose a girl for good is because she has a memory bank and she remembers all your silly antics that turned her off in the first place. So you’re just playing with Alicia’s ego here. Her heart doesn’t care about you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “There’s something loony going on between any girl’s ears who drops you and then gets turned on when she finds out you’re going out with other girls.” Like I said earlier, Alicia came back to you quickly because she couldn’t make out with anybody else. And so nobody else would have her but you. No, this deal is not sustainable because Alicia will bolt again. And like my cousin General Love says, “If she goes over the hill once, she’s not trustworthy anymore.” Remember, guys: If you work "The System" from the beginning with a woman, you never have to clean up a mess.

Broken Dates Hey Doc, I was recently introduced to your materials and have begun to read “The System.” I met Brianna at work seven months ago; we started joking around, chatting online and eventually went out for drinks a couple of times. I remained a Challenge and didn’t

give this girl too much information about me so she would have reasons to continue seeing me. Eventually, after a few more dates, we kissed and got quite romantic. I’ve always had problems finding women whose personalities match my easygoing, independent attitude, but I could really feel good chemistry with Brianna. After a month or so, I told Brianna that I wanted to take things slow, since I wasn’t sure that I was the only guy she was seeing, even though she always said I was. But something just didn’t feel right and it was holding me back from getting serious with her. Three months after we first got together, Brianna’s work department was moved. This is where things started going bad. We began to see each other less and I told her that I had my doubts about where we were going. Eventually she stopped answering my calls and texts, and then said that she was ignoring me because she knew it wasn’t going to work. I stopped calling Brianna. But after a while she contacted me and I told her that I didn’t want to throw things away due to a lack of communication and understanding. She told me she wanted to start over and get to know me, that she hasn’t felt this attraction for someone in a long time, but that she was confused and depressed for seemingly no reason and that mylack of communication in the first phase cooled things off for her. It’s been two weeks since we had this talk and agreed to start things over. I tried to set up two dates, but she backed out at the last minute on both of them. Doc, I noticed Brianna’s interest drop from a solid 90% at first to somewhere near 50% now. I understand that there are many fish in the sea, but it’s rare for me to find girls that I have good chemistry with like this one. What should I do? Phill - who needs some good ideas

Doc Love's Response Hi Phill, Merely reading “The System” isn’t good enough. You have to memorize it. If you want to be a rocket scientist or a plastic surgeon, you can’t just read about the subjects. You would have to study and memorize everything about the professions. The information and practice has to be second nature, which requires disciplined

study. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You can’t pick up a text on neurobiology and know everything there is to know about the subject after 15 minutes.” That’s common sense. The reason I demand that you guys read my book 15 times in 15 weeks is because you have so much garbage between your ears. And every time you read it, you’re going to learn something new from “The System” and your awareness level is going to grow. When you remark that you didn’t give Brianna too much information so that she would continue wanting to see you, you don’t know how much you said in that sentence. To you psych majors, when you don’t give a babe a lot of information, she’s going to actually miss you! But when you talk about how well Brianna and you get along, you’re not talking about Interest Level — hers, which is all-important. You’re talking about personality vs. Interest Level here, and unfortunately for you, one has nothing to do with the other. They are two separate issues. Are you sure you have the right book, Phill? Now why in the world did you tell Brianna you wanted to take things slow? Huge, huge, huge mistake! Why are you baring your soul to a stranger who’s not your girlfriend? To boot, you’re talking about something heavy here when you’re supposed to be the class clown and the court jester. Guy, when you’re with a girl you’re not supposed to be serious about anything. Brianna tells you that you’re the only guy she’s seeing, but you don’t believe her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “As if she’d tell you the truth anyway.” Your intuition might indeed be telling you that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark, but on the other hand, you could just be insecure because you don’t understand anything about women. Did you think of that? Why are you blabbing to Brianna that you have doubts about where you two are going? Do you think she’s going to push her Interest Level up to 95% just because you’re insecure? It’s all right to talk to me about what’s bothering you, but you can’t talk to her about your doubts because you can’t persuade a woman to push up her interest. You might just as well come right out and beg: “Honey, would you please add 20 points to your Interest Level?” Come on, dude! It’s not going to work. Brianna didn’t stop contacting you because it wasn’t going to work between the two of you. She stopped because her Interest Level was below 50%. If it’s below 50%, you’re out. If it’s above 50%, you’ve got a chance. So what does that tell you, Phill?

Brianna started getting in touch with you again because she couldn’t make out with anybody else. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “As far as she’s concerned, you were the only guy left on the planet.” And that’s the only reason she called you. But she can’t start again and get to know you because you can't start over –- period. One shot per woman per lifetime, remember? But she insists that she hasn’t felt this kind of attraction in a long time. So that’s why when her department moved, her heart went with it, right? Who’s she kidding? And why would you believe her, man? This babe is doing nothing but giving you double talk when she says your lack of communication turned her off. Now, Brianna digs you so much that she broke two dates in a row. Wow, all I can say is that this girl really digs you! And what did I tell you, buddy? You can't go back. Once it’s done, it’s done. And she already got rid of you once –- and for all. You’re wrong about Brianna’s Interest Level. It’s not around 50%. It’s below 50%. Broken dates mean below 50%. Kept dates mean above 50%. I hope I’m not overloading your brain circuits here, Phill! Don’t kid yourself that you really get along with Brianna. She broke dates, didn’t she? You might have chemistry in your mind, but she has exactly zero chemistry in hers. What should you do now? Study my materials — because you don’t have a clue. Remember, guys: If you have my book in your hands, please memorize it.

Dating And Alcohol I recently came across some of your articles, and even though I’ve never heard your show or even read your books, I quickly realized I broke every rule in them. Demi and I met through work eight months ago. We quickly connected. We were always talking and immediately interested in each other. I found her extremely attractive. All of our close coworkers saw our connection. So at the advice of one, I asked for her number. We went out for a drink and have been glued to the hip ever since. Demi says she’s not looking for a relationship. But the way we behave around each other, especially when there’s alcohol involved, tells a different story. She says she only wants a close friendship with me, but once we are out dancing and drinking, things heat up rather quickly. She blames it on the alcohol and says she doesn’t remember what happened throughout the night. On the other hand, no matter how plastered I get, I can always recount my actions.

I know Demi’s dated a load of idiots — men who didn’t value her, especially the father of her two kids. After several months, I opened up to Demi about how I felt. And upon my insistence to show that I want something serious, I made her introduce me to her children, and we’ve met each other’s families. I love her kids to death. I may not be their real father, but I would love them as if they were mine if I were given the chance. They adore me as well. I know Demi has issues. We are not having any more laughs. We’ve been arguing. She still insists that she doesn't want a relationship, just someone to count on. One of the reasons we started arguing recently is that she says I make plans for us, instead of asking her if she’s free. She says she doesn’t like being told what to do, or having her life planned out by someone. I can see her point. But I may have made the mistake of telling her that I’m willing to wait. Which brings us to this week. I told her I’d pick her up after work, make her dinner and we’d watch movies. She said no, she had a date. For someone not looking for a man, this totally confused me. Jealousy took over. I was furious. It’s not a date, it’s just hanging with a friend, she said. BS, I thought. A date is a date. We got into this whole discussion, and she said she’s free to do as she pleases, that I’m not her boyfriend, I don’t her pay her bills and that she doesn't like to be told what to do, etc. Then she said that my telling her what to do scared her. Doc, Demi matters a lot to me. But I recognized that one of my biggest mistakes is that I’m too available for her. I want to get out of this zone. I think we need distance. If I put some between us, hopefully she’ll realize how much she misses me and will finally admit to herself her feelings for me and act upon them — not just in a drunken session, but in an actual, genuine, sober admittance. And if I never hear a word from her again, then I know she wasn’t the one, no matter how badly I wanted her to be. Doc, why does Demi only want to get physically close with alcohol, but not sober? And why for a woman who claims she doesn’t want a man, is she suddenly on a date? Her birthday is coming at the end of the month. I wanted to do something for her, but now I’m hesitant. Please tell me what to do. Dumont - who can’t believe how depressed he is Hi Dumont, First of all, why don’t you have "The System"? You have a big problem with a woman, you realize you’re making all kinds of mistakes, but you’re taking absolutely no action whatsoever to make yourself a sharper guy with the ladies. So what kind of

results would you expect? You might have found Demi extremely attractive, but did she find you the same? If this babe is blacking out — and it sounds like she is — she should join AA. And she might have had a bunch of idiot men, but who picked them? She did! Like my cousin General Love says, “Nobody put a gun to her head, did they?” Then you turned around and forced Demi to introduce you to her kids and family. Why are you forcing a woman to do what she doesn’t want to do? Do you really think that it ups Interest Level? Her kids might adore you, pal, but Demi doesn’t. The reason she’s looking for someone to count on is that basically she wants a girlfriend. That’s you. You’re her girlfriend, buddy. She’s telling you this upfront. What do you mean you may have made a mistake by telling Demi you’re willing to wait for her? You’re basically saying you’ll do anything, no matter what it takes, and that she can go out with a hundred different guys and get married 50 times. Yeah, you’re really the epitome of a Challenge, all right! So this babe thinks that when you ask her out on a date and have plans, you’re a dictator. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love from East L.A. says, “Boy, talk about issues.” And you maintain you can see her point. Well, you’re blind, Dumont. Because Demi doesn’t have a point. Then she threw a fit when you wanted to treat her to a nice evening. Well, Dumont, you’re not her boyfriend. She can see anyone she wants to see. If she asked you to be her boyfriend and wanted to go out on a date with somebody else, that would be different. But she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. You want to be her boyfriend, but she doesn’t want you. If you have plans and it scares Demi, then she’s got a hang-up. To you psych majors, when a guy asks a girl out, he plans the evening. Demi doesn’t understand that. Wow — she’s real sharp and has lots of social skills, too. Duh! You say you realize that you’re too available for Demi, yet you don’t back off. Now it’s too late to get out of the zone you got yourself stranded in. You should have been out of that zone from the very start. And like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “She’ll realize how much she misses you when you move up to the North Pole for a year.” The reason Demi wants to get closer only when there’s booze involved is because, as the old saying goes, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” And, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “She don’t dig you when she’s sober.” When she’s sober, Demi’s Interest Level is 55%, but after a quart of Jack Daniel's, it soars to 95%.

So now Demi’s on a first date with this other guy. You don’t know anything about their relationship, Dumont. And you don’t even have a relationship with her, so you have no rights here. Who are you to tell her who she can go out with? And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She wants a man, just not you.” Here’s what you do: Write Demi off and memorize my materials. Otherwise all the mistakes you made with Demi are going to be made with the next woman you go out with. One more thing. I feel sorry for Demi’s kids. I don’t want her driving around with them when she’s half-looped. She should be in a rehab program, like I said, because she has a huge problem. She’d better get over that problem before she becomes anyone’s new girlfriend. Remember, guys: If she doesn’t like you, you can’t force it.

Women With "Man Issues" Hey Doc, I met Meaghan through mutual friends. She took a shine to me and asked me out. I accepted and we started a 15-month relationship that she ended several months ago. When I met her, she had been recently divorced and had two young children. She’s in her 40s and I am in my late 40s, divorced with no children. Also, just a month or two before she asked me out, she ended an affair that had been going on while she was married. Apparently it was a serious affair that was supposed to lead to marriage, but the gentleman, a married man himself, dithered for two years so she ended the relationship. Then I stepped into the stadium. Red flags began to appear everywhere. Meaghan made it clear that she wanted to be in a relationship that would lead to marriage. To buy time, I told her I was looking at a 5 to 10-year courtship to make sure we were a good match. After all, it would have been the second marriage for both of us. Although the romantic part of our relationship was stunningly exquisite, she was a tough woman to deal with. She snapped at me in front of her children on various occasions, and even berated me in front of them once. She has spoken harshly to the hired help. She enjoyed being taken out to pricey restaurants but never offered to help pay for anything. I was helping her keep her yard in order, helped with the kids, etc. Although she was an excellent cook, she rarely cooked for me. She also had “man issues,” in which she declared that all the significant men in her life had let her down. Even my sense of humor reminded her of her father at times, and she was quick to point out its negative aspects. Only jewelry from particular stores would suit

her. In short, here was a Beautiful Woman with a heavy attitude and a sharp tongue who was on the express train to Marriageville. Then again, our senses of humor matched, our educational levels made conversation easy, and I believed there was an opportunity for us as we got to know one another since she was lavish in praising my virtues, which was good for my ego. Ten to 11 months into the relationship, her Interest Level began to wane. She wanted to see less of me. By month 15, I told her that if she did not start getting her act together, the relationship would collapse on its own. After several attempts by both of us to perform CPR on the dying relationship, she finally told me to love her enough to let her go because she could not wait 10 years to get married. I walked away with a bow. Now, several months later, she is dating another gentleman. I would like to think I got off the SS Titanic before it left port. What is wrong with this woman? Did I miss an opportunity by mishandling a difficult but promising lady? Norbert — who is still puzzled

Doc Love's Response Hi Norbert, So Meaghan was carrying on an affair while she was still married? Great! She believes in adultery! You picked a real winner, Norbert. Now, let me get this straight. Both Meaghan and the guy she was cheating with wanted to get rid of their spouses so they could marry each other. Then the two of them could go and find someone else to commit adultery with again, right? Hey, makes sense to me! But you chose to ignore these red flags. Let me explain something to you, pal: red flags mean you leave! I don’t know if you realized that or not. Maybe you should get hold of “The System.” There’s a chapter on red flags in it. Like my cousin General Love says, “Are you waiting to get blown up, or what?” Why would Meaghan be looking for a relationship that leads to marriage? She doesn’t get along with marriage. She has no respect for marriage, so why would she want to get hitched again? It makes no sense whatsoever. And you shouldn’t have mentioned a solitary word about marriage, my friend. When the word came up, you should just have said, “Yeah, it would be a great idea.” And that’s it.

You say Meaghan is a tough nut to deal with. She humiliates you in front of other people, including her kids. To you psych majors, you don’t want to marry someone who’s tough to deal with. You want flexibility. You don’t want hard-headedness. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Why would you want to make your life a torment?” After the very first time Meaghan snapped at you in front of her children, you should have walked forever. Once a woman is disrespectful toward you, she’s out. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she never offers to pay at pricey restaurants, you should take her to McDonald’s.” But you decided to become Meaghan’s gardener and babysitter instead. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Sounds to me like you’re her stooge.” Plus, she has man issues. All guys let her down, and you’re going to be just another dope in that group. Another wonderful sign is that she hates her dad. That means she’s really going to treat you well! Norbert, your problem is that your Interest Level is in the 90s, you don’t have “The System,” and you don’t see how dangerous this woman’s attitude really is. Even without my book you should have seen that she’s nothing but trouble. The problem when a guy doesn’t have “The System” and his Interest Level is in the stars is that he rationalizes all the negative stuff, just like you’re doing now. So let me fill you in on the truth about Meaghan: She’s nothing but trouble. You should have bailed on her at the very beginning. What does educational level have to do with emotion? What does your degree have to do with the way someone treats you? Zip, that’s what. But you begged Meaghan to help save your relationship. In other words you’re asking a woman to change her entire personality after she’s been a certain way for 40 years. Is any person going to change after 40 years? No way! You did get off the Titanic before it left port. But you should never have bought a ticket for the boat in the first place. What’s wrong with Meaghan? She’s a structured, hardheaded, spoiled woman who gets her way with weak men whose Interest Levels are too high. That’s all she is. So don’t worry about what you missed. This lady wasn’t promising from day one. Remember, guys: When you know you have a nutcase on your hands, leave sooner rather than later.

Keep Her Interested Hey Doc,

I reconnected with Chantelle, who I was friends with in college, this past summer at an alumni function, and I could instantly feel the vibe that she was into me. She kept touching me, saying I looked better now than in college 10 years ago, etc. We ran into one another a month later and she asked me to go to the next alumni function in a few weeks. Since I was kind of interested in her at that point, I showed up. Right away, she showed interest again, and when she found out that I wasn’t married, she became even more interested and touched me more. She had recently been divorced and had a young child. We ended up going to a few bars after the event, and she continually expressed her interest in me, calling me her man, saying we could do great things together, etc. We ended up kissing quite a bit and the night turned very romantic. Afterward, we planned on meeting up again. Chantelle has some family members that are ill. One recently passed away, and she has a parent who’s dying, so it was tough for us to meet, but eventually we did, about 10 days later. That date went well, too. We made plans to get together again, but I was busy with my parents coming to visit, and she with her child and family illnesses. So we decided to get together once my folks left and both our schedules cleared up. But when I dropped her an email asking what her schedule was like, I got no answer. I let a few days go before dropping her a text message. Still no answer. Basically it became like pulling teeth to get her to respond. I decided to email her saying that I liked her, but was wondering what was up and what she was thinking. I asked her to just be honest with me. I finally got a response saying she was busy with her dad's illness, a busy work schedule and her child. I emailed and texted Chantelle a few more times over the next two weeks before she finally responded that her dad’s illness has taken all of her time and that she was casually dating someone else, but that this dating wasn’t the reason for the cold treatment (I call BS on that one). She said that she wanted to remain friends and appreciated me being concerned about her. Now, what confuses me is that she was the one who initiated the interest, and was the one who expressed her feelings first, and only then did I show mine. What’s my next move to win her back? Ivo - who is really confused

Doc Love's Response Hi Ivo,

First of all, why did you wait a month to ask Chantelle out? If you were interested in her, why didn’t you ask her out right away like you were supposed to? All of Chantelle’s touching was great. To you psych majors, when she touches you it’s a very powerful “go” sign. But you have to remember that you have to have a lot of time in with the girl, plus a lot of green flags like touching in order for it to mean something substantial. Kissing Chantelle and getting very romantic with her at the end of the first night was a huge mistake. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “What you did was give away the store for free.” The key to dating is withholding, not giving, which you don’t know because you obviously don’t have my book. And that’s what most guys don’t understand in the beginning of a relationship. Ivo, you don’t ask a girl what “her schedule is like.” You ask her out for a specific, individual time and day. For instance, Thursday, Italian food, 6 o’clock. Black and white. No gray areas. And she will or won’t accept it. You give her the date and then let her worry about her schedule. When you sent Chantelle emails and dropped her text messages and she didn’t answer, it meant you were out. It’s that simple. When you get highly inconsistent behavior from a woman two minutes after she was coming on heavy, that’s another reason for not kissing her. And it’s not like pulling teeth to get her to respond, it’s pulling low interest level. But you continued to bug Chantelle and told her that you liked her. This is called begging, my friend. Begging lowers Interest Level even further. Think about it: a girl doesn’t return your messages and then you tell her you like her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Why don’t you send her two dozen flowers and an engagement ring while you’re at it?” Then you asked Chantelle to please be honest with you. Ivo, that’s the best and funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Did you ever for a second think that she was going to tell you the truth? When she told you how busy she was with all the different things in her life, you should have said, “Hey, when you get un-busy, give me a call,” then written her off. But you emailed Chantelle a few more times after all that. Like my cousin Uncle Jethro Love says, “My God, boy, you’re beatin’ this horse to death!” In other words, you have no concept whatsoever of letting females chase you, being a Challenge, and that she should be wondering what you’re doing with other women. None of that comes into play with you, Ivo. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You’re just an open book!”

Now Chantelle is “casually” dating someone else. Her dad might be on his deathbed, but she sure found time to get out with another guy, didn’t she? But, hey, don’t take it personally, Ivo! On the other hand, it is true that this other guy isn’t the reason for her icy treatment of you. No, the reason she’s treating you cold is because she doesn’t dig you! Don’t be confused by what happened. You gave away too much too soon, my friend. You can show your interest by your actions, but you should never verbalize them. When you told Chantelle that you liked her, you might just as well have ended it right there. You had just two dates in with this girl. You have no basis for a relationship with her after only two dates. How do you win her back? You have to hit the lottery, dude! Remember, guys: If she goes out with you twice and doesn’t want to see you again, it’s OK to date other people.

How To Ask A Coworker Out Hey Doc, I purchased “The System” a while back and haven’t been able to put it down since. I read it every day without fail and I thank you for coaching men like me to see the light. Here’s my dilemma. A nice young lady, Jenni, started working at my company about six months ago. I noticed her giving me the eye here and there and finding reasons to walk past my desk, but she wouldn’t give me direct eye contact or she would say hello and walk by really fast, which showed me she had some interest but she was shy. Aside from that, we rarely bump into each other, but when we do I make it a point to speak up and keep things light, but she comes off as very nervous. I’ve shielded my interest, as you advise in “The System”: “Go in slowly, stop, back up...” and that has worked! We have company meetings and at the last one I noticed that Jenni was trying to make eye contact with me but I got distracted by my boss. At the next meeting, which was today, she made it a point to sit near me and maneuvered things a bit so we wound up walking out together and making small talk. We discovered we have quite a bit in common! The problem is that we work in a small corporate office (about 50 people), and everyone knows everyone else’s business. There were some people standing around us and I didn’t feel comfortable asking for her phone number in front of that crowd.

Due to a bad experience I don’t make it a habit to date my coworkers. However, I’m thinking of pulling out all the stops with this one. What are your thoughts about dating coworkers? Conservatively, I grade Jenni’sInterest Level in the low to mid 60s, and based on the way things went today, I think there’s a good chance it will grow. I’m not blowing up Jenni’s email or sending instant messages every five minutes. I’m still playing it cool because we’re at work. And so I’m concerned about what my next steps should be. Should I keep playing it cool and get her phone number at the next opportunity, or let it go and move on to something less risky? Thanks for your coaching! Wellington — who feels like he’s on the right track

Doc Love's Response Hi Wellington, First of all, thanks for the great compliment. And as a result of taking “The System” to heart, you haven’t made a mess of this thing with Jenni, which shows me that you’re not only reading my words, but you’re heeding them as well. Congratulations, my friend. You’re a smart guy. So far you’re doing a good job with Jenni. Keep doing what you’re doing. But you have to get this girl into a conversation. Now, inside your small corporate office is where things get tricky. There are no doubt a whole bunch of other guys in the building who are after Jenni and want to take her out. And some of those guys are envious and they don’t want anyone to get her. So you have to be sure to keep your mouth shut in front of every other employee in the place. Like my cousin General Love says, “In this operation, you have to be as covert as a master spy.” What you should have done when you were in the crowd after the meeting was pulled Jenni over several feet to the side and said, “Here, I want to show you something.” And at that point you should have closed andasked for her phone number. But not if the other people could overhear you. You don’t want them catching on to anything, guy. If you’d drawn Jenni far enough away and gotten her digits, your office mates would have only seen your back and not what you were writing down. So next time that’s what you have to do. What are my thoughts on dating coworkers? No. 1, it’s very dangerous because everyone in your office has a big mouth and nobody can keep a secret. Secondly,

you have to remember that if it doesn’t work out, it could very well get messy. Because two things happen in a relationship: you get married or you break up. Most of the time you’re going to break up. And if you break up with Jenni, remember that you’re going to have to see her, she might talk to the boss about what happened, the boss might side with her, etc. There are any number of scenarios here, and none are good. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re really opening up a can of worms here, boy.” So what you have to do is keep playing it cool, but when you get Jenni alone again, get her phone number! But you have to do everything on the sly in order to avoid complications. Remember, you’re working with a whole bunch of other people and half of them want to take Jenni out themselves, and they’d love to find out about what you’re up to so they can undermine you. Not to mention that everyone loves to gossip about what’s going on in the office as it is. A dating relationship right under their noses just adds fuel to the fire. You can try to estimate Jenni’s interest all you want, but you don’t really know what it is because you didn’t ask for her phone number. To you psych majors, nothing starts until you ask for the phone number. So you’re getting a little bit ahead of yourself here, buddy. You shouldn’t be sending Jenni any emails or text messages at all. You should be strictly business with her. But you definitely should get her phone number at the next opportunity. Just remember that if you go out with Jenni and break up with her, you have to see her all the time. And in a small office, someone is going to sense what happened between you. Above all, you don’t want your boss to sense it because if you get married to a girl at work it’s OK, but when you break up with her, it isn’t okay. The head honcho is going to know that there’s friction between the two of you, and that isn’t good for business. Remember, guys: When you hustle a girl at work, you have to be extremely cautious.

Are You Too Intimidating? Hey Doc, I purchased “The System,” read it and never looked back. I know from experience that you don’t really need to know much about the guys who write in, but maybe this is relevant: I’m a model, a final year law student and pretty independent, which lots of women find intimidating. In the past, I would try and show them that I was just a normal guy, but after reading your book, I realized that a little intimidation isn’t such a

bad thing. I learned a lot from your methods, mainly not to rush in and to take my time. My question relates to Laura, who I met when we were both teenagers. We used to make out back then, but I didn’t consider it to be anything serious. I came across her online profile a while back, and let’s say she had indeed blossomed. Instead of being superaggressive, I took my time and really tried to read her Interest Level through emails. But Doc, she didn’t bite. We exchanged flirtatious banter but didn’t meet. I got tired of the cat and mouse game, so I emailed her and called her out on everything I wasn’t happy about. I said that her inconsistency made me aware of how uninterested she was. I also included in the email that it would probably be the last time she heard from me! Surprise, surprise! Five minutes later shecalled, but I stood my ground and didn’t answer my phone, so she sent an email telling me that because she fell in love with me a decade ago, she didn’t want to get her heart broken again. She also claimed that she was completely unaware that I felt the way I did, and when we started chatting again, she had butterflies but really didn’t think she stood a chance! I really do like Laura. She’s that old-fashioned gal who has good values and is a keeper. But I’m wary that what she’s saying is Womanese for something else. Finally I replied to her message but didn’t spill my guts. I did mention that because girls are always chasing me, I don’t really know how to pursue a girl I’m interested in. We’ve been in contact ever since, but I really don’t know how to proceed. Do I go in strong and ask her out? Do I go in slowly? Or do I sit back and do nothing? Derrick - who doesn’t feel too smart right now

doc love's response Hi Derrick, The good news is that you’re good-looking and you have brains. The bad news is that having good looks and brains doesn’t mean you can keep a woman in love with you. You have “The System,” which is all about keeping a woman in love with you — so you should be on your way. But remember, being good-looking only means that you’re going to get moredates. If you don’t know what you’re doing, once you start talking and interacting with a babe, those good looks of yours won’t mean a thing. You say you used to try to show women that you’re just a “normal” guy. Now you’re flaunting your looks and brains. But why are you trying to show them anything? Like

my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “There are plenty of handsome, smart guys who go to law school.” It sounds like you’re just pumping your own ego here, Derrick. And again, none of that stuff means anything unless you really know how to deal with women. You are correct that a little intimidation isn’t a bad thing. But you’re blowing your horn about stuff that doesn’t intimidate; that’s the problem. Find out what else Doc Love has to say to Derrick after the jump... You are also correct that you have to take your time and not rush in if you don’t want to get destroyed. That’s the single most important thing in my book. Ninety percent of the guys out there rush straight into rejection. But Derrick, you can’t read a woman’s Interest Level through emails. You can read her interest only by asking her out and sitting across from her and talking to her. What you’re doing is changing the rules of “The System.” You have my book, and it says you don’t communicate with a girl by phone or email or carrier pigeon. Are you sure you read it even once? So why didn’t you meet Laura? Why didn’t you ask her out? If she says no, you just throw her number away, like it says in my book. Why in the world were you baring your soul to Laura about everything you weren’t happy about? You never talk about your feelings with a woman, especially your gripes. Dude, you have to read my book 15 times, because it’s obvious to me you didn’t get it after just one reading. The only good thing about my book is that it’s under your ceiling. How do you know how interested or uninterested Laura is in you? You never closed, so you can’t know what she thinks, because you never asked her out. You kept going back and forth with your silly emails. Then you went and told her she wouldn't hear from you anymore — you threatened her. Who are you, Macho Boy? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “A cool guy never threatens; he just walks away.” When it comes to Self-Control, you get an F, Derrick! You might think you stood your ground with Laura, but you don’t have any ground to stand on. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re actually standing in quicksand.” It never ceases to amaze me how guys take stands on things that don’t count. It’s fair enough that Laura doesn’t want to see you again. "You Can't Go Back" is a chapter in my book. Did you read that one, man? Of course she was unaware of your interest in her, because you never asked her out. You tried to build a relationship on emails, which can’t be done. Again, your problem is that you didn't close. How you feel about Laura doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is HER Interest Level in you. And since you never asked her out, you can’t judge her Interest Level at

all. So you’re nowhere. You say you didn’t spill your guts to Laura. Pal, you didn’t have any guts left, because you already spilled them when you told her how unhappy you were and threatened her. The only way to pursue a girl you’re interested in is by saying “Hi, what’s your phone number?” So let me reiterate: There’s only one way to proceed in this situation. ASK THE GIRL OUT. It doesn’t matter if you go in weak — JUST ASK HER OUT. Forget strong and fast and slow — ASK HER OUT. Do what I tell you in my book. It’s all laid out for you there. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “When you have the best coaching available, there’s no need to flounder around.” Remember, guys: If you don’t ask the girl out on a date, how can you tell if she likes you?

Too Available Hey Doc, I’m in kind of a strange situation. I’ve been working with Emily for a couple of years now. I’m 25, and she’s 40, divorced and with three kids. She’s a really nice person. I’ve grown closer and closer to her, to the point where I visit her at her house for dinner, we go out to the movies, just the two of us, and after work we both go out jogging together. In other words, we were like boyfriend and girlfriend. When we started doing things together, she’d just come out of a five-year serious relationship, but we were friends when she and her boyfriend were still together. Before that, she divorced her husband for that guy. When they broke up I was there for emotional support. Anyway, Emily’s been single for the past four months. I’ve always dropped everything to help her whenever she needed something. I know one thing I did that was wrong was coming on strong with her and telling her how I felt about her. She said that everything I told her made her feel special. She liked that I told her that I loved her. Here’s the problem. Emily has another side as well — a wild side. She really craves kissing other guys. Recently she met a 27-year-old guy on Facebook and they started chatting. He is big and lives at the gym. She mentioned that she is going to have a romantic evening with him, no strings attached, because she has very strong physical needs. She knows how I feel about her but she said she is not ready for any serious relationship. She asked me to come to a party where she was going to see the other guy and told me to be strong. I went, got drunk and ended up on her doorstep at 3:00 in the morning. Since that night, Emily and I haven’t spoken a word to each other. We’ve seen each other for three straight days at work, and it’s really getting hard. I don’t want to leave

my job and I know she doesn’t either. It was supposed to be no strings attached, but she’s still chatting every day with that other guy. At work I’ve been acting as if I don’t care, but it kills me inside when she texts Macho Boy. No question it would have been better if we weren’t working together since she would have been easier to forget. Please coach me. Etan - who’s dying inside

Doc Love's Response Hi Etan, Now let me get something straight. Emily is 15 years older than you and has three kids? The huge age difference between you two isn’t good. You should be dating girls in your age bracket — babes who are 23 and 24 years old, not someone so old. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This one’s been around the block a few too many times.” You might think you’re just like boyfriend and girlfriend with Emily, but are you actually kissing this divorced mother of three at the end of every date? Has she asked you to be her boyfriend? You make no mention of it and I’m sure she hasn’t. If you’re there for emotional support for her, you’re playing the “girlfriend/psychiatrist” role for her — that’s it. Emily’s not looking at you as a romantic partner at all. But you dropped everything to help Emily whenever she needed you. BIG MISTAKE, guy. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re on call like a 24-hour-a-day medic.” Right here it’s obvious that you’re way too available and you’re absolutely BUTCHERING Challenge. In fact, you’re not a Challenge to Emily at any time because you’re too available and that means you’re killing the relationship. You have no concept whatsoever of what Challenge even means. If you knew it was wrong to come on strong to Emily and blabbed to her about how you felt about her, why did you do it? She might have felt special when you told her you loved her, but she didn’t say she liked you back, and that’s the only thing that’s important. Now, if Emily has a wild and crazy side and she craves kissing other guys and you don’t want her to, you have to drop her. Because there’s no talking her into another way of acting, there’s no changing her, and you won’t be able to live with her

behavior. You should have noticed her wild side before you gave this woman your heart. Emily might have very strong physical needs, but to fulfill them she doesn’t think of you. Instead, she thinks of a stranger on Facebook and not the guy who’s been fixing her sink and taking care of all the other chores around her house. That’s a bad sign, dude. Of course Emily is ready for a physical relationship — just not with you. She’s going after Macho Boy, isn’t she? She’s serious as heck with him, right? And you’re the one who’s been doing all the work in her home all this time! But that humiliation wasn’t enough for you. You went to a party where Emily was going to be kissing another guy. Any woman who would ask you — a guy who’s in love with her — to come and meet some other guy who she’s dying to kiss, is sick. In fact, you’re sick too for putting up with it. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Not only that, but you’re doing an imitation of a doormat at three o’clock in the morning.” Dating someone you work with is covered in "The System," which I’m sure you don’t have. And if you do, you certainly haven’t read it like you’re supposed to. Etan, your problem is that you fell in love with a woman who wasn’t in love with you. It’s that simple. And this woman NEVER loved you. But you let yourself go head over heels for her, you gave away the store, you’re too available, you’re not a Challenge, and she knows she can do anything she wants with and to you — which means that you’re just one big WIMP. To you psych majors, how can any woman respect a wimp? Remember, guys: If you’re going to date a woman at work, make sure you have another job lined up.

The Friend-Zone Problem Hey Doc, I’m new to "The System," but I can already tell that it will help me immensely in terms of keeping a woman. I was recently dumped by a woman I had very strong feelings for, which prompted me to do some soul searching and find the root cause of her plummeting Interest Level. That’s when I found your book. It’s helping me address some of the mistakes I made in my past relationships and improve the likelihood of keeping Ms. Right in the future. I appreciate your insight because even though I was hurt by my recent ex, she was a flaky woman and she was never right for me to begin with.

Before we get into my question, here’s a little bit about me. I hope I don’t come across as pompous, but I think I fall into the 10% of men who are just naturally charming. I have been my whole life, ever since I was a kid. I am in sales and I have a very good sense of humor (I was class clown in high school), so I have no problem talking to women and can instantly make them laugh. I am always the life of the party and the first one to start dancing at a wedding. As a result, I develop chemistry with almost every woman I talk to. Here’s my question: Since I am very playful and have a good sense of humor, over the years I have developed a lot of friendships with women. Now that I’m back on the market, one of these friends, Lara, has shown a lot of interest in me. She always showed interest before, but now that I am available, she is showing very high interest and I want to date her. I have never been interested in dating any of my other female friends except for her. There is just something about her that I find intoxicating. The crux of my question lies in whether or not you feel a sustainable romantic relationship can be forged out of a friendship. I value her as a friend, and we will be forced to see each other if we ended up breaking up because we’re in the same circle of friends, so I am unsure of the next steps to take with her. What are your thoughts on this situation? Can a long-term romantic relationship develop out of a friendship, or am I wasting time and risking alienating a friend? Zen — who’s unsure how to handle her

Doc Love's Response Hi Zen, It’s great that you got a hold of my book when your romance met with a bad end. In other words, you did what most guys don’t do. By doing your soul-searching, you tried to figure out why your girl liked you in the beginning but ended up dumping you. So, my friend, you took your first step toward awareness. And let me add this: In the future, after memorizing my materials, when you run into a flaky woman, you’re not going to fall in love with her. And not falling for a flaky woman is going to save you an inestimable amount of time and money, not to mention your sanity and quality of life. Now, it’s great that you’re a humorous charmer. Being a lovable clown is good for the beginning of things, but it has nothing at all to do with sustaining a relationship. You’re able to win people over initially because you’re in sales, and that’s phenomenal. This is a great trait to have, but it’s just the start and you still have a long way to go, guy.

Let me explain something to you. When you have a lot of female friends, you’re overlooking the fact that you could be spending time with a woman who could be a potential girlfriend. That’s what you don’t seem to realize, so you’re wasting your time, Zen. To you psych majors, it’s inefficient to date women who are your friends because most of them don’t want to be any more than that to you. Therefore your assumption that you develop “chemistry” with all females is wrong, and “The System” is an efficiency system. If you want to maximize your time, Zen, date women, don’t have friends who are females. You might want to date Lara, but how does she feel about you? And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You might find her intoxicating, but is she drunk at the sight of you?” You’re trying to change from friendship mode to dating mode, but this is bad because you’re going to have to see Lara if it doesn’t work, and odds are it isn’t going to over the long haul. Yes, pal, a romantic relationship can be forged out of a friendship — but it’s rare, like one in a thousand. But if you want to give it a shot anyway, what you’re going to have to do with Lara is ask her for love advice about the various other women you’re dating. The rule is that you should never talk about other women, but you’re going to break it in the interest of trying to find out whether Lara has any real interest in you. This is what I call “advanced class.” Every time you see Lara you’re going to ask for counseling about the two hottest women you’re seeing the most. If Lara insists that she’s the one you should be seeing, you’ve got a chance with her. Another thing you’re going to do is make all the other girls in the crowd laugh, which you seem to be doing now. But again, remember that you’re going to have to see Lara all the time if you come on to her, and the odds are that it’s not going to go well. Dude, you are both wasting your time with Lara and you are risking alienating a female friend. Like I said, the transition from friendship to romance happens rarely — only once every thousand times. And don’t forget, if Lara doesn’t feel the same about you as you feel about her, you’re going to be uncomfortable seeing each other for the rest of your lives. Remember, guys: Skip being friends — just date.

Long Distance Relationships Don't Work Hey Doc, I have read your book nine times now. I’ve been on over 100 first dates and have had around four or five extended relationships by using “The System.” My current

situation is that I’ve been dating a girl named Lisette for the past eight months. The only real problem we have is that she goes to school 75 minutes away, but she comes home every weekend and three months during summer. I know from your book that you shouldnever do long-distance relationships, but up until last week, everything was going great. I have to say I never saw a problem coming with Lisette. Anyway, last Friday, I got a text that said, “We need to talk about our relationship.” I called Lisette and asked what was up. Her response was, “Are we sure we want to do this over the phone?” I said I didn’t care. She then said, “A long distance relationship is harder than I thought it would be.” I shot out of the holster that if she was having problems with it, then her Interest Level was just too low and we should break up. I wanted to strike first, figuring it would be better to be the dumper instead of getting my heart smashed in. Seven days later, I received the following letter from Lisette: “I need to be straight with you, and pen and paper is easier than words spoken. Long distance was part of it, but not completely. When I asked you out eight months ago, I didn’t know what to expect. I actually wanted the long distance between us because being separated keeps emotions in check and doesn’t allow for my feelings to overwhelm me. I know it sounds crazy, but what I didn’t expect was how incredible you are. You made me comfortable yet nervous, you made me laugh and learn, but most of all, you made me want to be a better person. The reason I texted you the other day was because you scare me. I have started to become attached to you and I can’t stand it. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I feared I would say something that I wanted to say for a while. I’ve had a pressing urge to write this and I don’t quite know why, but you deserve to know the truth.” Doc, what the hell am I supposed to make of this? Does it mean that Lisette is overwhelmed with love for me and that she’s scared, or that she’s lost her interest in me? Am I supposed to come on stronger to Lisette now or leave her completely alone? I’ve tried calling her several times but am not getting an answer. Please coach me, because I’m totally lost now. Burt — whose jaw is hanging open

Doc Love's Response Hi Burt,

If you know from my book that you should never do long distance relationships, why in the world were you having one? You say that you should never get into a longdistance thing, but that’s exactly what you did. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “So whose fault is it that you’ve got troubles now?” If you never saw a problem coming with Lisette, that in itself is a problem. The entire point of “The System” is that it prepares you for problems because it increases your awareness. You won’t have to be on guard, but you’ll be more aware and, hence, you’ll be prepared to anticipate problems and deal with them as they arise. Let me explain something to you, buddy. When a babe says that you and she have to talk about your relationship, it means you're dead in the water. But when you told Lisette that her Interest Level was too low and that it was time to call it quits, you hit it perfectly, my man. Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Medal of Honor for bravery.” It was also good thinking to make a preemptive strike rather than wait to get your heart crushed. Now, let me get this straight. Lisette writes you a letter telling you that she’s met a guy she liked — you — but then doesn’t want to get involved with him? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This girl doesn’t need a guy — she needs a shrink.” Then she goes on to add that the feeling of love, which makes everyone in the world feel better, she can’t stand. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “This chick don’t make no sense.” This is all just a smokescreen for the fact that Lisette has met another guy, one she does have a wild and crazy Interest Level in. When she says you deserve to know the truth, the question is, what’s the truth? What’s really going on here? Another guy is the answer. So what should you do with this? Guy, you already did it and it was the right thing to do: You got rid of Lisette. So there’s nothing to answer now. She’s not overwhelmed with interest for you — she’s lost it altogether. At this point, you’re supposed to not only leave her completely alone, but you’re supposed to forget her too. The fact that you’re not getting an answer from Lisette after repeated calls to her verifies the fact that she has a new guy, and that’s what she didn’t tell you in that letter that is supposed to be telling you the truth but really says nothing. No response from her really ties the whole thing down, pal. You’re out and she’s history. Remember, guys: Long-distance relationships never work.

She Loves Him More Hey Doc,

I’d like an answer for something that my friends can’t seem to help me with. Anastasia and I have known each other for seven years, and now we’re a couple. She’s everything I want in a woman — she’s beautiful, sweet and always wants to help. Everyone else is more important to her than herself. She has a sense of humor, she’s smart and she understands me. I want to spend my life with her. So here’s the situation. We live an hour away from each other. I see Anastasia two or three times a week, and we keep in contact every day by phone. My concern is that she has an ex, Brett, who is still in her life. She says she was deeply in love with him before they broke up, and they still see each other where they work every day. One night I asked her, “If you could travel back in time, which of your boyfriends you would choose to be with?” Unhesitatingly she chose Brett. I was totally disappointed. The thought that I am No. 2 is just driving me nuts. When I asked Anastasia if she loved me, she said yes. When I asked how much, she said enough to want to be with you. So I console myself now with the thought that Anastasia is still with me and tell myself that I can make her forget Brett altogether. But I don’t know how to make her forget him and I can’t ask if she’s forgotten him because that will do nothing but remind her of him. Doc, I am always gallant, a nice guy and a gentleman. I’m confident, too. I am always there for Anastasia when she needs me. If she needs time alone, I give it to her. But I don’t want to be No. 2. I don’t know if I can handle it, and I need some coaching to make me No. 1. What also concerns me is that Anastasia is in closer proximity to her ex every day than I am. What if something gets rekindled between them? I won’t stand a chance because I’m not there. Sven — who wants to understand how to keep the girl of his dreams

Doc Love's Response Hi Sven, First of all, why would you want your friends to help you with your relationship problems? Your friends know less about relationships than you do, so why would you want them to lead you further astray? You’re supposed to go for coaching to “The System.” That’s where all the answers are, not with your friends.

You might want to spend your life with Anastasia, but where’s her Interest Level? Does she want to spend the rest of her life with you? That’s the only thing that matters, my friend, but you don’t know that because you don’t have my book. Let me explain something to you. The reason Anastasia should never have been your girlfriend in the first place was because of Brett, especially when she lives too far away. And why did you ask Anastasia that ridiculous question about which of her boyfriends she would choose? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Dude, are you into suicide or something?” Why did you set yourself up just to be hurt? When Anastasia unhesitatingly chose Brett over you, you should have walked straight out the door right then and there. You should have stood up and said, “You’re still in love with that guy, plus you see him every day at work,” and then split, and that would have been the end of it. Sven, what you have to realize here is that you never owned this girl in the first place. The Dating Dictionary says, “Are there any ex-boyfriends lurking in the background?” And the answer in this case is a resounding yes. But, again, you don’t know about that because you’re not familiar with my techniques. To take it further, the thought of being No. 2 drives you batty because you were never No. 1. And you accepted the position of No. 2 voluntarily. You knew Anastasia worked with Brett, you knew she lives an hour away and that she spends eight hours a day with this guy — not to mention that he was the love of her life. You had to see what was likely to happen here. The point is that you were never No. 1 for Anastasia and you will never be No. 1 for her. You were finished with her from the start. Anastasia might have said she loves you, but she loves the other guymore. She might want to be with you, but not enough to make you No. 1. And how are you going to make Anastasia forget someone else? Think about it logically, Sven. Can you put a gun to Anastasia’s head and order her to forget Brett? Are you going to force a pill into her mouth to give her amnesia? The very best thing you said in your letter was that asking her about Brett is going to do nothing but remind her of him. Bingo! You finally get it, pal! You came in as No. 2, you’re always going to be No. 2, and you’ll go out No. 2. You’re not a nice guy, Sven; you’re a weak guy. You made Anastasia your girlfriend when she was in love with someone else. And so this was a dead issue from the beginning and you had no shot with this girl. Of course you’re always there for Anastasia when she needs you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re just like her butler.” In fact, you’re a butler who kills Challenge! By the way, Sven, does Anastasia also tell you what corner to stand in and when to exhale?

Don’t worry about the flames being rekindled between Anastasia and Brett. They were never un-kindled! Remember, guys: If a girl is not available, she’s not available.

Living With Unemployment Hey Doc, I’ve always done really well with women in the short term. I was married once, but it fizzled and she left me for another man. Since then, I’ve been going through women like crazy. Here’s my current situation: I lost my job a few months ago, and now I’m without unemployment benefits. I’ve had some temp jobs, but I can’t find anything in my salary range. Why do I mention this? Because I met my current love, Sandra, while unemployed. We dated casually for a few weeks. Then she was supposed to go and see her onand-off boyfriend, but she abandoned the plan and asked me to be exclusive with her instead. Since then, she has spent her time with me. I have strong feelings for this one, Doc. The reason I’m so compelled to be with her is because she dates me despite the fact that I’m unemployed. That I do not have an income and am on the brink of losing everything seems to mean absolutely nothing to her. This shows extreme moral fiber, and the women I’ve dated in the past can’t compare to her. The reason I’m writing is because I haven’t been able to spoon-feed myself, and I’m afraid of destroying Challenge simply because Sandra knows I’m not employed and am without money. For instance, I can’t tell her I’m going out somewhere without her because she knows I’m broke. Because I don’t have money to take Sandra out, she makes accommodations and/or has paid for me. Our time has been spent just walking on the beach, watching movies or having a simple dinner at home. I’m a simple man, and this relationship is what I’ve always wanted. But, like I said before, I feel as if I might be making huge mistakes by not being able to take this relationship slow enough. Sandra gives and gives and gives, and I rarely have to return. The most I’ve done for her is to drive to her house, which is about 15 miles away. I also brought her a care package once when she was sick — and that’s about it. She’s done far more for me.

Doc, do you think I’m doomed? Sandra encourages me to keep looking for work and not give up. She compliments me and tells me I’m special, even though I feel like a lowlife. She sees something in me I sometimes fail to see in myself because of my job situation. But isn’t it going too fast? Do these kinds of things work out? Keen - who can’t believe his luck

Doc Love's Response Hi Keen, First, let me correct you on a couple of points. Most guys — not just you — do well with women in the short term. First dates are usually great, and then it’s all downhill from there. And your wife didn’t dump you for another man. She fell out of love with you and then someone else came along and took your place. The fact that you’re looking past beauty shows that you’re pretty sharp and are focusing more on character and brains than on physical beauty. Good for you. What you should do is take a job that’s not in your salary range, and in your downtime, hustle for something better. This will show your prospective employers that you’re ambitious. Tell them you’re flipping hamburgers because you would rather be working than not working. They’ll be impressed with your industriousness and will be more inclined to hire you. If Sandra dates you without complaining or making demands when you’re out of work, it means you’ve definitely met an angel here, pal. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Most women won’t put up with the condition of unemployment.” But Keen, I hope you’re looking for a job 8 to 10 hours a day. You have to really impress upon Sandra how you’re pounding down doors all day long to get a job. You’ve got a heck of a girl here, because she sees your potential. Make sure you recognize it in yourself. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If a woman will endure poverty while dating you — assuming it’s not because she can’t get anybody else — you’ve got a gem.” As far as spoon-feeding yourself and not destroying Challenge is concerned, you’re a little mixed up. Sandra already knows you’re unemployed. And if she’s your girlfriend,

you can’t hide it from her. You shouldn’t want to even if you could because it’s too big a deal in your life. But as long as you’re not saying “I love you” every five minutes, you can remain a Challenge. Being unemployed is not anti-Challenge in itself. Make sure you don’t tell Sandra everything about yourself. The only thing she knows is that you’re unemployed. She doesn’t have to know more. To you psych majors, Challenge has to do with not blabbing about your feelings and not being too available. Dude, you can spoon-feed yourself by seeing Sandra only twice a week and staying off the phone with her. If you abide by my principles and know what you’re doing, you should be all right. You say you rarely return Sandra’s generosity, but you should. You should tell her how much you appreciate her. Up to this point, you’re handling everything well. Just make sure you keep your trap shut about your feelings and express your appreciation to Sandra on all of her generosity. And don’t forget to spend a lot of time beating the bushes for a job. Yes, this relationship can work out. But Sandra won’t put up with your unemployment forever. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If you’re out of work for a year or more, she’ll start asking herself, ‘What the heck’s wrong with this guy?’” Remember, guys: Most women won’t allow themselves to like you if you’re out of work.

Lying Girlfriend Hey Doc, I’m 26 and a major fan of your profound work “The System,” which should be mandatory reading for every male before he leaves high school. I unfortunately have only been a student of your work for the past three months and I fear I'm a bit late, as I may have totally messed up my relationship. I met Patrice, 25 and very attractive, eight months ago at a friend’s wedding. I got her number and we went on a date. It went great. I was cocky and funny and kept the conversation about her. Patrice and I had wonderful chemistry and I enjoyed being around her. By the night of the third date we were making out. She initiated it, as I always remained reserved and a Challenge. It was a fantastic experience, but did present a red flag because I thought that making out after only three dates was kind of fast. Patrice and I decided

to date exclusively. I made a comment that if a woman has been romantic with more than five men I would find her too promiscuous. She did not take the comment well, and I should have never made it. She later revealed to me when discussing our pasts that she had been romantic with seven men prior to me. I accept that this was a foolish move because I was talking heavy topics well within the initial 60-day dating period. Patrice proved herself to be a Flexible Giver with an Interest Level in the 90s, and she gave me no reason to question her loyalty to me. Four months ago, however, she admitted to me that a questionable male “friend” she initially suggested to me was platonic was really a past lover. I became suspicious of their relationship when she mentioned that they were still friends and that his dad would be linking her up with a job in his company soon. She assured me that nothing was going on between them currently. I was very hurt and turned off, but decided to try to forgive Patrice despite the situation not sitting well with me because of my pride and the fact that she and her ex might be working together. I have become insecure and suspicious that Patrice may not have been fully truthful with me about her past. I recently had a conversation with a mutual friend about the discomfort I was feeling and she revealed to me that Patrice did not mention another guy she was with and therefore was romantically involved with a total of nine guys prior to me. Patrice has said she loves me and did not want to chase away the only great guy she ever dated. However, I do not know if I can trust Patrice to tell me the truth. I also feel like Patrice has been around too much and may have been too easy, and I do not trust the working relationship between her and her past lover. Doc, am I being an uptight Macho Boy letting my ego get in the way of a great girl? Should I leave the past alone or should I dump Patrice before I end up getting myself hurt? Liam — who feels like he may be walking into a trap

Doc Love's Response Hi Liam, It’s simply amazing to me that a guy will read a hundred of my columns, finds that what I say clicks with him, then doesn’t buy my book! No, he will only buy it once he’s in deep trouble with a girl. To you Psych majors, you should get “The System”

immediately if what I say in my columns makes sense to you. Because every guy I talk to says the same thing: “I should have gotten it sooner.” Making out with Patrice after the third date was a big mistake. You should only kiss a girl on the doorstep after a date. You’re on a date with this girl to find out what’s between her ears. That’s what’s important here. In the future, when a girl comes on to you physically, just tell her you’re shy. Patrice might have been kind of fast, but you went along with it, Liam, didn’t you? She didn’t have to put a gun to your head to get you to make out with her, did she? So you were just as out of line as she was. Finding it “slutty” that Patrice was with more than five guys was the stupidest sentence that ever escaped your lips, dude. You mean to tell me that you haven’t fooled around with a few girls yourself? What if Patrice threw that same accusation back at you? And why are you talking about her past? Why are you talking about other men? Why are you talking about a heavy subject? No, no, and no! So Patrice didn’t take the “promiscuous” comment well. Really, Liam? Like most men, you talk too much. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Once it escapes your mouth, it’s too late.” What Patrice has done in the past is done. It’s what she does in the future that counts. So get off Patrice’s past — if you haven’t blown it already. The real red flag here is when she admitted that a “platonic” friend of hers was really a lover and you caught her in a lie. But again, you’re bringing up past relationships, which is a no-no. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Men want women to be on a pedestal.” So why would you ask Patrice a question that will knock her off that pedestal? Dumb, dumb, dumb! That said, Patrice shouldn’t take the job with her ex’s father. Taking it goes against loyalty. Like my book says, there shouldn’t be any ex-boyfriends— or their fathers — lurking in the background. This has nothing to do with your pride, guy, but it has everything to do with respect. When you have a steady girl and her ex’s father is going to get her a job, there’s a rat somewhere and you should be smelling it. Then came guy number nine. But I don’t care if Patrice was involved with 40 guys, and what’s more, this information came from a third party. Was that third party there watching Patrice and guy number nine? How does she know what was going on between them? And why were you talking to other women about your love life? Another mistake! Maybe this mutual friend doesn’t like Patrice and wants to undermine your relationship with her. Did you think of that? Patrice’s problem is not her past — it’s you, asking all these stupid questions!

No, you’re not being a Macho Boy. Patrice is a liar. But her past has nothing to do with this situation. You’ve mixed apples and oranges here. However, she doesn’t tell the truth and the situation with her ex’s father is not acceptable. What should you do now? Leave the past alone and get rid of Patrice because she’s a liar. Remember, guys: when she lies, she’s out.

She Cancels Dates Hey Doc, I purchased “The System” 10 months ago and have been through it a couple of times but am having a tough time using it to help me through my current situation. I met Bridget a year ago. She was a waitress in the bar my roommate managed. She’s cute, funny, outgoing, and an all-around great person. I got her number and asked her out. We went out for dinner and had a few drinks, but not too long afterward our conversations became bland and I would get one-word replies via text if I got any response at all. I’m no dummy, and I got the point. It was over. I found out later that she started seeing some other guy at this exact same time. Fast forward eight months. It was Bridget’s last day at the bar where we met. Everyone was buying her shots and she got way too tipsy. My roommate asked me to make sure she got home safe. The problem was that she was incoherent and I had no clue where she lived. I ended up just taking her back to my place, covering her up on the couch with a blanket and leaving her a bucket. The next day she felt embarrassed for her actions and yet grateful to me for making sure she was okay. So she offered to take me out as a thank-you. We went out for dinner and some drinks again. The night was fun. Since then, it’s a regular thing where the two of us will go out after work to unwind with a drink. It’s very friendly but light. It wasn’t until last month that I noticed Bridget’s Interest Level climbing. Her friends have told me how much she talks about me. I received a text message from her that was a picture of her and her three sisters with the words, “These girls can’t wait to meet you.” It means she’s talking to her family about me. She also cancelled a trip with her family to come out for my birthday and the amount she touches me has skyrocketed. Two weeks ago, we went out for pints. Afterwards, she was practically throwing herself at me, but I was scared to kiss her. Last Friday, I had tickets to a concert and asked her to come along. She did. We ended up going to a local pub after that and

danced. When we got to her place I told myself I had to kiss her. She had no objections and things got a little intimate. After I kissed her, Bridget suddenly bailed on our next date with the excuse that she needed to catch up on work. She got a promotion with her company and says she needs to be caught up before she starts her new position. I’m not sure what to think of that excuse. I waited five long days to get in contact with her, asked her out for dinner and she gave me the same excuse of needing to work. She did, however, apologize for being “flaky” and said with a laugh that she knows that there are a few things we need to discuss after our last date — but she did not give me any counteroffer. I honestly thought I had it right this time, Doc. I thought all the signs were there and that kissing Bridget was what she wanted me to do. Now I don’t know what the next step should be. I really feel like the next move needs to be on her, but am fearful that if I leave her alone she’ll disappear. Declan — who is extremely confused

Doc Love's Response Hi Declan, You’ve only been through “The System” a couple of times in 10 months? Like my cousin General Love says, “Can you imagine a Super Bowl quarterback going through the playbook only a couple of times before the big game?” Guy, he’d have every single detail down! You have to read my book once a week for 15 weeks and study it all the time, because you have garbage between your ears and the reason you’re in your current situation is because you’ve only been through the book a couple of times. To you Psych majors, you have no idea how deep this stuff goes. Now, how do you know that Bridget is such a great person? And what exactly is a great person, Declan? Why are you giving her all this credit? Let me explain what really happened. Bridget started going out with some other guy. You had your chance with her and you didn’t capitalize on it. Why? Because you only went through my book a couple of times. And that was it — it was finished. When your roommate told you to take Bridget home, you should have told him that you weren’t a taxi service. And you should have told Bridget to call a taxi because

you have more important things to do. This was your big mistake, pal. Here’s the point: It was already a done deal! But you went out with this girl when it was already over and you took her to your house. Instead of going out for drinks with her, you should have told Bridget you had a girlfriend. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You have the shortest memory in history, my son.” You had your shot with this girl and it was over. Why were you wasting time with her again? Then you went and talked to her friends about your dates. Another mistake! You have to remember that Bridget already lost interest in you in the past. This is a second go-round. Don’t you get that, guy? Nevertheless, you ended up kissing Bridget, who doesn’t like you. Great! And of course she bailed on you right after you kissed her. I’m shocked! This proves that she’s had it with you. She keeps giving you the excuse that she needs to work so she can’t possibly see you. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It’s obvious she’s in love with you.” Declan, when a babe says that she needs to discuss something with you, it means you’re out! Finito. When she says she’s flaky, that means you’re history. Of course she didn’t counter-offer. Women with high Interest Level make counter-offers. Women with low interest break dates. This is very, very complex stuff, my friend! Yes, you did it right this time, buddy, but unfortunately you did it the second time around. You did it with a girl you got dumped by before and it was already over. Therefore, there was nowhere for any of this to go. Remember, guys: if you don’t memorize "The System," you won’t keep her.

Earn Her Respect Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your columns and I am so impressed that I just purchased your book. I'm going through a very hard breakup and I could really use your expert coaching. I started dating Krystal when I was 21 and she was 18. After years of being on again and off again, I’m now 28 and she’s 25. We were broken up a lot because she kept leaving me and winding up back with her ex-boyfriend. She cheated on me with him, and when I got rid of her, she came back to me, begging and pleading and saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back.

Well, Krystal wound up leaving me again for him. Then, two years ago, she once again left him and told me that I am the man she really loves. We have been together ever since. This past February she told me she wants to marry me and I bought her a ring and we’ve been engaged since then. Since our engagement, we’ve argued numerous times over finances, because the wedding she wanted was more than we could really afford. Last week we went out separately with our friends and my phone died. When I charged it in my car at three in the morning, I messaged Krystal and explained, but she blew me off. The next day she said she feels a distance in our relationship. I asked her who was at the bar she was at last night and she named some people — including her ex-boyfriend. I was furious. I felt that, because she’s my fiancée, she should have had more respect for my feelings. Well, our fight went on for a few days and now Krystal is calling off the wedding. She says our relationship is irreparable. She gave me back my ring and is prepared to cancel the wedding date. I am devastated, as I have put my faith in her numerous times, although she didn’t deserve it. I thought that maybe this time she had finally grown up and matured. Can you offer me any insight and coaching? Lonnie — who feels like he got shafted

Doc Love's Response Hi Lonnie, If you’d gotten “The System” earlier, you wouldn’t be going through this pain right now. Because “The System” is all about pain-prevention. To you Psych majors, don’t come to me when she’s getting rid of you, come to me when she just starts dating you. If you're prepared going into a relationship, you can do things the right way from the beginning and not have to be a clean-up case when it’s already too late. As soon as you tell me that you and Krystal are “on again and off again,” your letter has to go no further — because you’re finished. Secondly, when you began dating Krystal, you were both between the ages of 18 and 21 — which means you were both very young and neither of you were grown up. This combination of factors means it’s over, pal. You took Krystal back because your Interest Level was too high. But that was just one problem. In addition, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You have no backbone.” You sanctioned Krystal’s treatment of you, Lonnie. When you

take her back repeatedly after she dumps you for her ex, you’re telling her that it’s okay to treat you in a horrible, unloving manner. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Can’t you find anybody else in town to date?” When you get engaged, you’re supposed to sit down with your fiancée and go over all the financial arrangements for the wedding, from clothes to food. But you gave Krystal a ring before you had this all-important discussion — another huge mistake. You never should have given her a ring before you agreed on how your money was going to be spent when it came to this wedding. Why were you furious when Krystal mentioned that her ex was at the bar where she was partying? Her behavior towards you has been consistent all along, guy. She treats you horribly, then you have a little peace; she treats you horribly again; you have a little peace again, etc. Then she begs, and you take her back and then she runs off to her ex again, etc. This is an endless, vicious, predictable cycle. You shouldn’t have been surprised in the least. And why does this cycle constantly repeat itself? Because you’re weak and you don’t have any cojones. The best thing you said in your letter was that your fiancée should have some respect for your feelings. But the problem is that she has no respect for you because you never earned it. When you take a girl back after she treats you like dog crap, why would she have any respect for you? You never earned respect and you never negotiated respect. See how this works, Lonnie? It’s good that you finally got “The System,” but you’re seven years late! Likewise, Krystal never deserved your faith. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Where did your faith get you, my son?” I’ll tell you where — into nothing but more pain. I got news for you, guy — Krystal is never going to grow up. But what’s wrong here is not merely a matter of growing up. This is the way she’s wired. And she’s wired to treat you like crap. And because of your low self-esteem, you’re wired to take her back and be miserable again and again. Eventually you two will have kids and they’ll be miserable too, because they don’t know right from wrong. And they won’t know who to marry because they’ve grown up in a lousy household. Like the old Chinese saying goes, “The cycle will continue on.” You want insight and coaching? Start memorizing my materials and forget Krystal. Remember, guys: When it’s over, don’t go back.

The Honeymoon Phase Hey Doc, Natasha and I have been together for almost five months. The tell-tale signs of high interest were there at the beginning. It included lots of physical contact as well as introducing me to friends and family. Now, everything has changed. There’s emotional intimacy, we’ve exchanged the ‘L’ word for a while now, and she came home with me recently to meet my family. I’m definitely in a loving relationship, but where's the spark? I think people can love one another without really wanting each other. Natasha’s certainly not tearing my clothes off anymore and I’m not convinced she’s all that excited to talk to me or see me even though we spend pretty much all of our time together. The situation is confusing and there are a number of variables to consider. Natasha’s pregnant now (it was unplanned) but she’s excited, even if she’s concerned with her body image going in the wrong direction. So, given that there’s so much happening, including what I believe to be a genuine emotional attachment between us, I’m having trouble determining whether Natasha’s interest has declined or if we’ve just transitioned into being a comfortable couple. In the past, I’ve bailed out when the relationship loses the “spark,” but I get the sense that everyone else thinks it’s normal to lose the honeymoon period and we should all just accept that. I do what I can to maintain interest, like arranging nice dates and I make it clear that I’m still very interested in Natasha romantically. Since there’s genuine love in this relationship and a baby on the way, I’m eager to see if Natasha’s actually lost interest in me and just wants to stick it out since we’re comfortable together and have some higher stake in things now. I’d much rather a girl just break it off at the first sign of disinterest than keep me as a placeholder until the next, more interesting guy comes along. Sometimes there’s just nothing to be done about whether someone is interested in you or not and you have to just cut your losses (though I’ll add here that I’m still going to be involved with the baby and support the baby and Natasha either way). Where do you stand on the subject, Doc? How can you tell the difference between entering a normal comfortable relationship period and a real decline in interest? Fabian — who’s concerned about the future

Doc Love's Response Hi Fabian, Having all of these things happen with Natasha within the space of five months was awfully fast — it’s much too fast, and that’s your main problem. But it’s not true that people can love each other without wanting one another. To you Psych majors, when you love somebody, you want them. If you don’t want them, you don’t love them. Let me explain something to you. Natasha isn’t all that jazzed to see you anymore because you’re right on top of her all the time. You’ve absolutely murdered Challenge by spending all your time with her. Guy, you have to have some outside interests in life. You can’t expect a woman to be everything to you. So you’re too available for Natasha. You’ve headed into the boredom stage so quickly because you don’t have any other things occupying your mind. If you did, you’d at least have something to talk to Natasha about. The reason that you’re having trouble deciding whether Natasha’s interest has declined or you’re just transitioning into another stage is because it’s really half of one and half the other. The truth is that you have already gone into another phase of the relationship, but on the other hand, you are seeing Natasha too much. The only remedy for this situation is having outside interests, as I said earlier. Yes, there is a honeymoon period in every relationship and it will always come to an end. But the fact that Natasha is not arguing with you and putting you down is a great sign. It means that there is genuine love and respect on her part. And it’s good that you arrange romantic dates with her. You’re doing the right thing here, my friend. This is called the maintenance program, which you have to use especially when Natasha is going to be the mother of your child. It’s true that Natasha’s Interest Level is no longer in the 90s. It appears to have dropped to 75% because you don’t have enough in your life aside from her and you’re starting to smother each other. Like my cousin General Love says, “You’re like two people locked in a cabin in Alaska for six months.” You might prefer that a woman let you go if she’s no longer all that keen on you, but here’s the problem: There’s a child involved now. You can’t overlook this part of it, Fabian. You never should have gone to bed with Natasha, you never should have told her that you loved her, and you should never have met each other’s families, because it was all too soon. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This was just one big rush job.” You rushed everything, like 90% of the men out

there. A measly five months for all of these major developments was way too little time. They should have been spread out over two to three years. It’s obvious that you weren’t going by the techniques in my book when you got together with Natasha in the first place. Now it’s too late. You can’t just cut your losses now, buddy. And you’re also going way too fast on the subject of leaving Natasha. Aside from the fact that you both rushed into this whole mess, you and she have a loving, respectful relationship for the most part. The problem is that when you don’t have anything else interesting to do, you’re only with each other all the time and that will kill any woman’s Interest Level because you present absolutely no Challenge. That said, you have to remember that you can’t be thinking solely of yourself anymore. You are a family now and you have to consider the child that’s going to arrive soon and getting married. How can you tell the difference between entering a new phase of a relationship and a real decline in interest? Simple: no fighting — and you two aren’t fighting. Remember, guys: When you kill Challenge, you kill the relationship

Rules Of The Friend Zone Hey Doc, Before I read “The System,” I got myself trapped in the friendship zone with Jeanna. I want out. I just finished my first reading of “The System,”and I am starting on my second. Your book implies that if you’re trapped in the friendship zone, it’s because Miss Right has low Interest Level. I want to think my case is different, but is it just my ego? Jeanna is a smart, ambitious woman with strong opinions about dating. In fact, she tells every guy who ever makes a move on her, “I don’t date — at least not until I’ve finished school.” I knew this about her before I ever became attracted to her. She thinks that dating will keep her from achieving her goals: to graduate top of her class, to get her Ph.D. and to travel. She works very hard to achieve her goals, and I have no doubt that she’ll be successful. For Jeanna, a 51% Interest Level isn’t going to cut it. I think it would have to be much higher. On top of that, if she has high interest in a man, and he asks her out, she’s likely to turn him down because she knows it could lead to a relationship and she doesn’t want that. Her only close companions are her best friend, members of her family — and me.

We got to know each other through the same study group in school. She invited me out to lunch. We had a great time. Since then, we’ve met to do date-like things once every two to three weeks for nearly a year. At first I wasn’t attracted to her, but as time went by, I began to notice how subtly beautiful she is, and how intelligent and creative, too. My interest started going through the roof, but I knew she wouldn’t consider dating until she’s accomplished her goals. If I ever had a shot with Jeanna, I may have blown it recently. She came over for breakfast, and she started talking about her dating philosophy, which upset me. She asked, “Why are you so uncomfortable?” and I said, “Because I like you as more than a friend.” A big mistake according to “The System.” She was concerned, saying that she hoped we could still be friends. Then I made another mistake: I told her we could. After all, we were friends before I was attracted to her. I should have taken that moment to end the friendship. So now here’s my plan. I’m going to stop hanging out with Jeanna altogether. Likely she’ll move on and forget about me. Meanwhile, I’ll use"The System” and meet other women. If she wants to hang out with me, I’ll blow her off. Soon after, I’ll call her and ask her on a date. No more hanging out as friends. If her Interest Level is high enough, she’ll agree. If she declines, I’ll just continue to meet more women. I understand this is a long shot, Doc, but could it work? Kirk — who’s still trying to understand

Doc Love's Response Hi Kirk, You might have just started on your second reading of my book, but you’re going to have to read it another 13 times because I have to get all of the garbage out of your head! It’s a half-truth that being trapped in the friendship zone means that Miss Right has low Interest Level. That’s part of the reason, of course, but the other part is that you never asked Jeanna out. And you should never have gone out with her as a friend, which means that you trapped yourself in the friendship zone from the very beginning. If you’d asked her out at the start and she said no, you would have known that her Interest Level was 49% or less and you wouldn’t have wasted all your time. Dude, your case is no different from all the other guys caught in the friendship zone — in other words, it’s all your ego.

Jeanna’s goals are very admirable. If she runs into the wrong bum and falls for him, though, she won’t reach them. But this girl sounds sharp. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about what Interest Level Jeanna has in some guy who comes along, because she only has 49% interest in you. You’re trapped in the friendship zone, remember? If she had 51% interest in you, it would mean that there’s a little interest romantically. But you’re out of luck on that one. And that’s why you have to read my book once a week for 15 weeks. Now let me explain something to you, my friend. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she meets someone she has 90% interest in, she’ll forget all about college fast.” Jeanna just hasn’t met anyone who’s knocked her socks off yet. The point is that it’s going to be harder for you to get to her. If her interest in you is 55% to 70%, she’s going to opt for studying. If you had used Challenge on Jeanna, which you didn’t because you’re her friend, then you might have had a shot at her. Guy, you never do “date-like” things — you date. Period. You used the back door into the friendship zone, and all you did was reinforce being trapped in the friendship zone. You might have discovered belatedly how beautiful and smart and creative Jeanna is, but she doesn’t have those same feelings for you. It’s her feelings for you that count, not yours for her. And you have to keep in mind that when she reaches her goals, it doesn’t mean she’s suddenly going to dig you. She’s not going to say to herself when she gets her Ph.D: “Oh, now I’m allowed to like Kirk!” You already shot your wad with her, pal. She already knows everything there is to know about you — on the friendship level. You told Jeanna you liked her as more than a friend? I can’t believe you read my book once and said that to her! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re begging, paisan.” And begging is a chapter in my book, by the way. To you psych majors, you never come on verbally with a girl. The girl always comes on to you first and you just say, “Honey, you have great taste in guys.” That’s all. You can be friendly with Jeanna, but all the time you were with her, you should have been talking about other women and asking her for love advice. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She would have thought that you were a Lothario.” "The System” says you don’t talk about other women when you’re dating a girl, but when you’re in the friendship zone, you can yak about other women all you want. Because then Jeanna will say, “Well, what about me? Why don’t you take me out? I’m tired of hearing about those other girls!” That’s ideally what you should have been working for, Kirk. But you don’t give a friend a lot of time, like you did. We’re not here to be friends with girls — we have buddies for that.

And, no, your new plan can’t work. You’re way too deep in the friendship zone, and the quicksand is about to close over your head. Remember, guys: When you start as a friend, you’re going to stay stuck as a friend.

You're Too Needy Hey Doc, I’m new to your columns, but I like your straightforward approach and how you tell it like it is. I just got out of an eight-year relationship. We were married for four of them, and it was pretty rocky. We didn’t treat each other well, and we were both insecure and it was basically a situation where if we weren’t fighting and arguing, we were ignoring each other. I ended the relationship several months ago, and am now back on the market. Two weeks ago I met a great girl, Fern. She has all the traits I want in a significant other. She’s beautiful, fun to be around, athletic, takes care of herself, and is a great mom. This past week was the first time we had a chance to hang out together oneon-one (we met online), and we had a great time. She has her kids at night, so after she put them to bed, I went over to her house and we sat on her couch and watched a movie. Then I kissed her goodnight (it was awesome) and went home. The next night Fern invited me over again, but this time we got closer, and soon we were entrenched in a full-blown make-out session. It was fantastic, a great night. The following night she invited me over again. These were three of the most fun times I’ve had since my marriage ended. Then we had our first disagreement. It was all my fault, and I'm bummed that it happened. I talked to her the next morning and she told me she would text me when she got off work. By 9:30, I still hadn’t heard from her. I was really upset because she said she would call me after work, and when hours went by and I hadn’t heard from her, I started to panic and freak out about it, and finally around 9:40 sent her a message that said, “Well, I’m going to turn in for the night, hope your night went well, I know you stay pretty busy, but it sucks to be on this end when I don’t get to hear from you.” It was pretty dramatic, and looking back I feel really dumb for saying it. Around 10 she called and I told her I didn’t think this was going to work out because she was obviously too busy for me. She got really upset. She said she didn’t understand, and that she knew she told me she was going to be out late helping her mom (in fact she did, but I forgot), she was sorry she didn’t text me, but she said she made an effort when she got home and got her kids in bed to do so. I was still upset,

but I felt like an idiot for not being able to just not be insecure. She reassured me that she liked me, and that she was happy seeing where our relationship would go. Doc, what can I do to avoid this in the future? I really like Fern, and I want to give this relationship a chance to become something legit. Can you coach me not to jump off the cliff when I don’t hear from her? Dion — who can’t seem to control himself

Doc Love's Response Hi Dion, If you like the way I tell it like it is, imagine how much more you’re going to like it when you invest in my book and get the whole truth! Both your ex-wife and you are in my book, Dion. Every mistake you made with her and every mistake she made with you are covered in those pages. Now that you’re finished with this disastrous eight-year relationship, you won’t want to repeat every mistake you made. And the only way you are going to prevent that from happening is by going by “The System.” Now let me get this straight. After knowing a woman for 14 days, you’re convinced that she has every trait you want in a significant other? From that statement alone I know that you don’t have any clue what you’re doing. I don’t mean to drive the bus over you, but this is a really, really naïve statement. And this is the reason you were married for four years and had a horrible, horrible relationship with your wife. Your thinking is not clear, my friend. You shouldn’t be hanging around Fern’s house all the time until she’s your girlfriend. Again, like most guys, you’re rushing in, and what you’re rushing into is rejection. And by going to Fern’s house night after night when you don’t even know her, you’re absolutely murdering Challenge. You’re giving away the store, you’re too available, and you’re telling Fern that no other woman on the face of the planet likes you, which is the worst part of all. Then you got yourself entangled in all the basic communication errors that are also covered in my book. You call me, I’ll text you, we’ll touch base, etc. To you Psych majors, you communicate to get the date, not to get her to call you back. When you want to discuss something with her, you discuss it face-to-face. This is a hard and fast rule.

You mention that Fern is the mother of more than one child. When you were freaking out over not hearing from her, how did you know that something didn’t come up with one of them? You’re all over this woman as if she was already married to you. Then when you finally talked to her, you accused her of being too busy. Dion, when you talk to Fern, you should find out what the problem is, not write her off to her face. All you did was put her on the defensive. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You come off as a really uptight guy.” The second biggest complaint from women is that men don’t listen, which you proved when you forgot that Fern told you she would be out helping her mom. The first and biggest complaint is that men come on too heavy. They spend too much time hanging around in the early stages of the relationship. Does this ring a bell, Dion? You’re smothering this woman already and you hardly know her. So you’re screwing up with a nice girl. What can you do to avoid this in the future? Get my book, read it once a week for 15 weeks and I guarantee this will never happen again. Of course I can coach you to not jump off the cliff when you don’t hear from Fern — because that’s what I do. Remember, guys: if you like my columns and don’t have my book, something’s wrong with you.

Make Yourself Unavailable Hey Doc, I’ve been reading your articles for some time. My situation is somewhat different from those who’ve written you in the past and I hope you can coach me because I’m at a loss for what to do. I’ve been with Ash Lynn for over a year and a half. For the first year she was head over heels in love with me, and at the beginning I was a Challenge so I’m guessing that was part of it. But she begged me to open up to her and show her how I really felt. Now please don’t be too hard on me, but I showed her my inner wussiness. She loved it because she finally got to see the inner me and how I really feel. Well, now as of late she has lost interest in me. She feels that I crowd her and we are possibly at the end of the relationship. To keep it real, Doc, I’ve been through many women, but not many relationships. I have a daughter who loves Ash Lynn too, and I’d like to keep her for that reason as well. I used to be No. 1 on her priority list but now I’m either last or not on the list at all. She says she’s still in love with me, but mama didn’t raise no fool. It’s apparent to me that I’m losing her more and more every day. If she’s going to leave, I’ll deal with

it, however, I’d like to have one last shot at saving our relationship. What can I do to put myself on Ash Lynn's priority list again? She’s not the average chick that likes love notes and surprises and roses. She would see those things as smothering her. So with that in mind, how can I get her to re-fall in love with me or be drawn totally in by me... again? Denton — who is an ex-player

Doc Love's Response Hi Denton, You’re not just guessing that Challenge got Ash Lynn to fall head over heels in love with you. Challenge is what worked. For a year and a half you two had a super relationship when Ash Lynn was all over you, and that was because you were a Challenge to her. There’s no mystery at all here, pal. You say that Ash Lynn asked you to open up and show her how you really felt. But about what? To you Psych majors, you have a pile of good feelings and a bad pile of bad feelings inside yourself. If you revealed to Ash Lynn how you feel about all the positive things in life, there’s no problem with that whatsoever. But if you blab and whine about the negatives — your fears and anxieties and weaknesses — then it’s a completely different story. And that’s what you did, my friend. You put your previously hidden weaknesses and fears and anxieties — your inner wussiness — on display. This is what will kill Interest Level. Now why in the world would you do that, Denton? It’s the epitome of anti-challenge. Think about it. Why would you go against the principles that worked for you and got Ash Lynn to fall madly in love with you in the first place? Yet that’s exactly what you did. You say Ash Lynn loved knowing how you really feel, but the truth is that she loved it only temporarily. Of course she’s lost interest in you now. You opened up on your weaknesses and fears and anxieties, which lowered her Interest Level significantly. Now you’re out. What happened, Denton, is that you got my book and studied Challenge, but you didn’t carry through and stay with it. This is why you’ve lost your girl. I can tell that

you’ve been through many women and not many relationships, just the way I can tell that you didn’t read my book 15 times, which is what you have to do. Sadly, you can’t keep Ash Lynn now, because she’s gone. You’re not on any of her lists because you did not heed my warning in “The System”about revealing your inner wussiness. And you’re not losing Ash Lynn, my friend — she’s already lost. She’s gone. You blew it with her a long time ago. And don’t worry about her leaving you at some point in the future — she’s already left you. You don’t seem to be able to get that through your head. You don’t have any last shot at saving this relationship because it’s already over. The only thing you can do to possibly put yourself back on Ash Lynn's priority list is disappear. When she calls you, tell her, “I’d like to talk to you sometime, but I have a date and she happens to be in the bathroom right now.” If Ash Lynn's Interest Level is at least 51%, that tactic will pull it back up. Ash Lynn might not like love notes and surprises and bouquets of flowers, but you’re beyond all that anyway, Denton. You’re talking about a woman from the past now. What you should be talking about is the new girl you’re going to meet in the future that you’re not going to bring out your inner wussiness with. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “How’d you get conned into that anyway, man?” So don’t give a second thought to the tactics that will smother Ash Lynn. You’re getting sidetracked onto another issue here. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’ve got four flat tires and you’re talking about a transmission problem.” The only chance you have now with Ash Lynn is making yourself unavailable, Denton. You have to vanish and hope it brings her back. Remember, guys: romantic love is highly conditional.

She's Not Flexible Hey Doc, I’m 24 and Mira is 23. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half. I think the world of her but sometimes she’s a burden, and that’s my problem. Throughout our relationship I’ve noticed lots of communication issues with her that trouble me. She has an inability to handle any kind of confrontation. I’m an Army veteran and a current reservist, so for me, deployment had always been a possibility. I’m slotted to deploy in May, so of course we have to talk about everything that entails. But she flat-out told me she didn’t want to talk about it. That ended the conversation. I can understand the emotional toll a loved one can endure knowing

her significant other is going to leave for a year, but the fact that after I went through the effort to explain it she couldn’t form even a thought about the deployment really threw me. Why wouldn’t she want to understand why I’m leaving or my thought process? At times Mira’s selfish about what a relationship is about. To me it’s about give and take. But 90% of the time it’s me giving and her taking. Take her pets, for example. She has two small dogs that annoy me, but I deal with them. I want a boxer dog when I get a place of my own, but because her dogs are so small, she says they won’t be safe. It’s absurd to think that if I get a puppy that it won't naturally understand there’s a size difference between them. I even suggested training them so they would get along, but Mira resisted, saying she doesn’t have enough time to do both training and school. I work 40 hours a week, go to school four days a week and still find time to do anything she needs around the house. The trend continues with our living situation, a meager arrangement in an apartment with her father. We share a 12x12 bedroom with all her stuff and my stuff, much of which are my important documents and childhood memories, and of course those wretched dogs. I want a place to call my own, but she insists that it’s best to live with her dad until we save at least $10,000 to furnish an apartment. I can easily furnish one for $2,000, but she won’t have that. I even suggested moving after she finishes school, but she rejected the notion, saying she would never want to leave San Diego. I’ve seen Asia and most of the United States and it’s beautiful out there, yet she’s reluctant to even move out of her dad’s apartment. Doc, I’m no slouch. I’ve paid my dues in life and make a respectable living while trying to get an education. When do I draw the line and sever the ties with someone who can’t get out of her comfort zone? Mira’s a great girl with a big heart, but just how far does that go when it doesn’t suit me even in the near future? Barton — who’s desperately seeking answers

Doc Love's Response Hi Barton, Your problems with Mira aren’t a matter of confrontation. You are two people in love with different backgrounds and values. To you Psych majors, the woman has to have the ability to sit down calmly and discuss important issues with the man. If she can’t do it, it’s a deal-killer. Or, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “This woman will drive you nuts over the long haul.”

Now let me get this straight. You’re leaving a girl who’s deeply in love with you for a whole year, and she doesn’t want to talk about it? Do I see structured here? Do I see hard-headed? What do you think, Barton? And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she couldn’t form even a thought about you being away for a year, maybe she doesn’t have a brain.” I’ll tell you why Mira doesn’t want to know about what you’re thinking: Because she’s childish and immature. I know lots of people that have both big and little dogs and they get along fine. And I’m very impressed with the way you handle your life, Barton. You sound like a hell of a catch. But guess what? Mira doesn’t see it. Worse, she doesn’t appreciate it. Your big mistake was moving in with this girl, my friend (and by the way, the divorce rate for people who live together before marriage is higher than it is for those who don’t). All the things Mira refuses to do should have been massive red flags for you, Barton. Remember the old Elvis song, “Hardheaded Woman?” The lyrics go like this: “Well, a hard-headed woman, a soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began.” Sadly, that’s where you are, dude. You’re in a world of trouble because of Mira’s temperament. Again, you never should have moved in with her, and when you discovered that she was unable to negotiate anything at all with you, you should have dropped her instead of getting closer. Mira might have a big heart and high Interest Level, but she’s not a giver. She’s the opposite — a taker. And she’s not Flexible – again, she’s just the opposite. She’s Structured and she’s Hard-headed. So what you have in Mira is a terrible and dangerous combination – a hard-headed taker. What you should have instead is someone who sits down with you and negotiates and who is a flexible giver. Since you’re only 24 years young, if you stay with Mira, your future doesn’t look rosy. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You can look forward to living in pain for the next 60 years.” Remember, guys: Red flags are red flags for a reason.

Adulterous Relationships Hey Doc, I’ve been with Cara for just over a year. When we met and started dating we were both married. We left our spouses and moved in together. I’m 46 and she’s 43 and we had each been married for over 20 years. Cara is very attentive, loving and caring. We are very much in love. But I am very stupid, as you will see. Anyway, Cara was married to a doctor who completely controlled her life. When she met with her attorneys during the divorce proceedings and told her story, they all

cried. The doctor was mentally abusive, dominating and critical. But he’s also very rich (he’s worth $10 million-plus). They lived in a mansion but slept in separate rooms for 10 years. She had a couple of affairs and so did he. She basically stayed for the security, since security is a very big issue for her. I was married to a very unaffectionate woman who had lost respect for and interest in me. I also had several affairs. I am not rich (I’m worth half a million), but have no debt, a paid-off house and my own business. Cara’s divorce was ugly and stressful. Towards the end of the process, there were several meetings with her ex for settlement talks. During one of them he convinced her that he had terminal cancer. He told her he had proof that I was cheating on her (I am not). Cara is very caring and has a very big guilt complex, so she began speaking to her ex again and a few weeks later I came home to a note saying she went back to him and felt she needed to take care of him and give him another chance. Three days later Cara called me, said she made a mistake by leaving me and asked to come back. I allowed her back, and two weeks later she did it again. She came back 12 hours later. We talked and she said she got spooked because of her ex’s constant warnings that I would cheat on her and she would end up poor and broke. Then she spooked and ran again, was gone for 12 hours and called me. She said how much she loved me and couldn’t live without me. Three days later I let her come back. We had three weeks of bliss and then she was gone again. She called me 12 hours later and showed up at my door three hours after that. This time I told her she couldn’t come back. I told her to take some time and go and live with her mom or rent a hotel for a while but not to talk to her ex. Of course we are talking again and she wants to come back. Doc, I’m an idiot and want Cara back, but I don’t trust her. Everyone says I’m crazy and my brain tells me the same, but I can’t let her go. Do you think we have a chance? Zachary — who knows she cares about him

Doc Love's Response Hi Zachary,

Let’s get something straight here. You and Cara committed adultery with each other to kick off this so-called relationship. So how in the world could you possibly trust each other now when your entire connection is based on deceit? The answer is that it’s impossible. Before Cara met you and she was married to her doctor, she demonstrated no respect whatsoever for the institution of marriage. Why is her attitude going to change now? And let me straighten you out on something, Zachary. Security isn’t just the big issue for Cara. It’s the only issue. This babe goes strictly by the money — who has more of it. That’s it. Nothing else matters to her. And you might have a half a million in the bank, no debt and your own business, but you’re forgetting what else you have — an absence of morals. The reason Cara went back to her doctor ex-husband had nothing whatsoever to do with her being a caring person. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “She just went back to the bank.” Do you really think that she’d care enough about the doctor to go back to him if he was broke? The answer is no. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “His pile of gold is bigger than your pile of gold by about 20 times.” That said, the relationship between the doctor and Cara sounds like a match made in hell. But then the relationship between you and Cara isn’t much better. You contradict yourself when you say that you told Cara she couldn’t come back to you but now you’re talking again. To you Psych majors, when you tell a woman she can’t come back, that means you’re not going to even talk to her. The problem for you is that Cara keeps working your high Interest Level in her even though she’s not going to leave the bank. But like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you hit the lottery, she’d drop this other guy like a bad habit.” You say that you don’t trust Cara, but the truth is that you don’t trust anybody and neither does she. Like I said before, the two of you committed adultery when you first met. So what do either of you know or care about trust? Trust has never been an issue in your life — keeping it or otherwise. Do you have a chance with Cara? No, you have no chance with her whatsoever. This thing was sick from the beginning, it was sick in the middle, and it will end up being sick. This is your reality, dude. You’re a sick puppy and Cara’s a sick puppy. The only thing you can do now is get my book, memorize it and stay away from Cara. You’re no good for her and she’s no good for you. Remember, guys: A relationship built on adultery will die on adultery.

Mixed Messages Hey Doc, Four months ago I got together with Marina, a colleague from work. She’s 31 and a secretary with whom I have regular contact every day. We started dating after one drunk and very nice night, even though I didn’t want to mingle at work. At the beginning her Interest Level was quite high (I would say 60% to 65%). She was a Flexible Giver and even invited me to a weekend at her parents’ place. Unfortunately, I didn’t know “The System” at the time (I’m going through it now) and as I had certain reservations about our relationship (she is 31, two years older than me and already talking about kids and family). I wasn’t being the best boyfriend. I said to her that we were just a fling and I was going back to my home country (I’m in the United States for two years for work). I noticed that her Interest Level started to drop, but not too much because she was still hanging around and cooking at my place, etc. Then we went on vacation separately. At first she was enthusiastic and we chatted online every day. I could see that she was really into me. She even promised that she would do everything that she could to keep me until next summer so that we could spend a proper holiday together. Then I noticed that she was experiencing some mood swings. I began to feel that something was changing. The day she returned from vacation she broke up with me, saying that she needed time and space to think about what she wants in life. For the first two weeks after the breakup I didn’t want to accept it. We were constantly in contact and I tried to patch things up. It wasn’t the best idea because she doesn’t like pressure, so I left her alone. When we talked, the talk would always be the same. She said she was sorry that I had to go through this, she doesn’t know what she wants, etc. I kept telling her that I wanted us to get back together, which she also said that she wanted. But every time we tried something concrete, she got scared and shut down. Marina has now started to avoid contact with me at work (even though it’s impossible). Her Interest Level has dropped significantly (I would even say it’s below 50% now). I want to apply “The System” to this girl, but I’m not sure if it's worth it now. Doc, the bottom line is this: I’m not sure if Marina is being honest with me anymore. I’ve started to lose trust in her. There’s no giving from her side. She has lost her Flexibility. On my side, I’ve lost my Self-Confidence when it comes to her. Sometimes I lose my Self-Control and discipline when I text her. I believe I’m no

longer a Challenge to Marina because she believes she can have me any time she wants. Are Marina and I hopeless for the future? Gideon — who is starting to feel like there is no hope

Doc Love's Response Hi Gideon, First of all, 60% to 65% Interest Level is not all that high. High Interest Level is 75% to 85%. Next, it was way too soon to go to Marina’s parents’ place. You should only meet the parents after six months. You guys were rushing. But here’s the crux of the problem. When you told Marina that you were going back to the old country and that you and she were just a fling, you were telling her that it was over, and you didn’t even realize it. And you still don’t realize it. You expect this babe to love you and be all over you and in the next breath you tell her that you’re leaving for home and you’ll never see her again and you pretend like she doesn’t even hear it. So why would she want to spend a proper holiday with you, dude? You’re going back to the old country. For her, this is all a waste of time. “Mood swings” mean that her Interest Level is dropping like a bomb. To you Psych majors, when her Interest Level drops, she’s going to go back and forth and back and forth with you, but it’s just part of the bowing out ritual that women go through. They’ll say they’re all mixed up and they don’t know what they want and down deep they really like you, but it doesn’t mean a thing. I don’t care if it’s Montana or Mongolia, you’re going to get the same pitch. But you’re still missing the point here, Gideon. I don’t see how you and Marina could be so close and not discuss the fact that you’re leaving the country. And you flat-out insulted her when you told her it was just a fling. Marina was in love with you and you just chalked it up to nothing more than a fling. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “That’s a slap in the face.” Between that slap in the face and your return to the old country, why should she stay in love with you? What you have to do now is have a sit-down with Marina and first apologize for insulting her by telling her that you two were just a fling — because it wasn’t just a fling. And second — if you can do it — tell her that you’re going to apply for residency

in the United States because you don’t want to go back home and risk losing her. Unless you do that, this babe is gone forever. When you talk about Marina’s trust and honesty and Flexibility and Giving, you’re way off-base, guy. She has been trustworthy and honest all along. You’re the one who’s been untrustworthy by calling your relationship just a fling. If you had had my book "The System" a year before you met Marina and read it 15 times, she’d still be with you right now. But of course you’d still have to stay in the United States. Are you two hopeless for the future? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You have as much chance with this babe as you do getting hit by a meteorite when you’re taking a stroll down the street.” Remember, guys: when you insult a woman to her face, expect her Interest Level to drop.

She's Disrespectful Hey Doc, I’ve read your book a couple times now and I always read your articles, but I’m having trouble with a situation. Darcey and I have known each other for two years. She’s a member of the group of friends that I study with at college. She’s not what you would call drop-dead gorgeous, but she has her own style that is unique, and when she gets done up she is easily the most beautiful girl in the room. The reason I mention this is that even though she’s 21, she hasn’t had many boyfriends. Sometimes I feel like she’s read your book because she uses many of the tactics you describe. She doesn’t initiate contact, she isn’t affectionate in public and she’s kind of shy so she doesn’t blab about herself or ask me a lot about myself. For this reason, our first few dates were pretty shaky. I had no idea if she liked me or not. Imagine two people who seem to have interest in each other but show no affection, no physical contact and the conversation is somewhat one-sided because I’m filling in the silence — that’s what it was. I could tell she was really nervous when we first went out and may have been trying to hide her Interest Level because she holds her cards pretty close to her chest. She’s warmed up a bit though, and over the past two and half months she’s been very Flexible and seems to have a good attitude. We didn’t tell any of our friends/classmates/family about our relationship. It wasn’t a secret, but I just figured she’d eventually tell someone and it would all come out. It never did, however. Last weekend we were out with a group of friends. Darcey was much more outgoing and more affectionate than usual (she wasn’t trying to hide our secret anymore). But

what happened later in the night was a little unsettling. While a group of us were dancing, I looked over to see her legs wrapped around the waist of my best buddy (he is also in our circle of friends). He seemed to be stunned at what was going on. I didn’t want to make a scene and just kind of ignored it. After all, showing jealousy is a no-no in your book. Other than that, the night went well. She draped herself all over me, kissed me and ended up going home with me. Doc, I’m a little confused and I have been thinking out the possibilities here. This is what I’ve come up with: (1) Darcey was unaware that she shouldn’t come on to my friend due to her lack of relationship experience. (2) She was overcompensating for the fact that she wanted to get my buddy dancing (he got dumped after a six-year relationship a couple months ago and is still kind of beaten up about it). (3) She was trying to make me jealous because I was sitting back and not drooling all over her. (4) She has no respect for me and didn’t care about my feelings. I’m considering saying something to Darcey about what happened. Do you think this is the right way to go? Should I tell her that she has crossed the line and that what she did was disrespectful (regardless of her intentions) or should I brush it off and just keep it in the back of my mind in case something like this happens again? The benefit of me bringing it up now is that it will show that I’m not afraid to call her on it and might force her to have some respect for me. If I don’t bring it up, I’m worried she’ll think I’m a wimp. Bonzo — who doesn’t want his time wasted

Doc Love's Response Hi Bonzo, Reading my book just a couple of times won’t cut it, my friend. You have to memorize this material, not just read it twice. And the reason you’re having trouble with this situation is because you didn’t memorize it. Gosh, I would hope at 21 that Darcey hasn’t had lots of boyfriends! But if she doesn’t talk about herself or you a lot, any chance she just has low Interest Level? You have interest in Darcey, all right, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She just showed up.” To you Psych majors, you must not confuse showing up with high Interest Level. And like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Silence is a bad, bad omen.”

The reason Darcey’s holding her cards close to her chest is because her cards have nothing to do with you. She might have seemed Flexible and had a good attitude over the past two months, but you have no indication whatsoever of her Interest Level. Bonzo, the most revealing thing in your letter is that Darcey told no one in the whole world about your relationship. Why do you think that is, pal? Think maybe she’s not really interested in you? But who cares if it came out or didn’t? And who cares what other people think? When she wrapped her legs around your best friend, the picture became as clear as it’s ever going to become. What it meant was that she has low Interest Level in you and high Interest Level in him. Notice how all of a sudden this shy, introverted girl came alive and threw herself on another guy? She came out of her shell because of her high feelings towards that other guy. We don’t care at all what your friend thinks, by the way. That scene on the dance floor had nothing to do with making you jealous. But it had everything to do with disrespect. Think about it. Darcey is supposed to be with you and she has her legs wrapped around another guy. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “So what would you tell me if I was your younger brother, bro?” But you say that other than that, the night went well. Boy, can you rationalize, Bonzo! Like most men, I must add. Darcey might have gone home with you, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “That was just to make up for sinning with your friend.” She was disloyal when she threw herself at your friend, guy. You shouldn’t have taken her home. What you should have done instead was dropped her off and thrown away her number! Now let’s look at your rationalizations. First, Darcey did it because of her lack of relationship experience. If you really believe that one, dude, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you. Second, she was trying to help your friend. Sorry, more rationalization. So numbers one and two make no sense. Let’s look at number three: She was trying to make you jealous. Darcey wasn’t trying to make you jealous — she just dug your friend and that’s why she wrapped her legs around him. And number four? Bingo! But it’s not just that Darcey doesn’t have respect for you. She has no Interest Level in you. And if she’s not interested in you, why would she be respectful? Saying something to her now is a complete waste of time. So you’re not going to tell Darcey anything. You’re going to walk away and never call her again. This is why we have the Bottom Line Factor. You don’t go out with a girl you’ve been with for two and a half months only to watch her wrap her legs around another guy. Simple. One more thing. Darcey doesn’t dig you. Therefore she doesn’t even care if you’re a wimp.

Remember, guys: when your girlfriend wraps her legs around another guy, it’s time to leave the relationship.

Build Physical Attraction Hey Doc, Here’s the issue. I’ve never read “The System” and by chance stumbled upon your columns. You give great coaching and I’m hoping you can give me some, or tear me a new one. Either would be immensely helpful. I graduated a few months ago from college and decided to move to Washington, D.C. from the Midwest, but I waited around for a few months before actually going. In the meantime, I went onto a free dating site just to see what kinds of girls were available in Washington. I never intended to meet anyone, but you can never predict what will happen on those sites. Anyway, I met a girl named Roxanne. The site believed we were a good match, so I thought, why not? We started things slowly and as the weeks carried on, we were talking all the time, texting, Facebooking, etc. Then we moved on to nightly phone calls. As time went on, her interest continued to rise. She kept asking me how much longer until I would be living in D.C., and she would become very affectionate. She even said that she was "falling for her phone” because that was the only way we communicated. Fast forward. I’ve now moved to the nation’s capital and actually met Roxanne. She works in the financial sector so at this time of year she is insanely busy and she’s also gearing up to take a CPA exam. I know this is true because I have friends doing the same thing and you have no time for anything. So I totally understand, and I think that you should only see each other once or twice a week anyway when you first start dating. If I could see Roxanne once on the weekend I’d be pretty happy. But this is where things have gotten weird. I saw Roxanne for the first time the night I got to Washington, and then two days later. It was obvious to me that she was pulling away from me. She hasn’t returned a phone call and I’ve stopped trying after the second. She barely texts me anymore and when she does she isn’t affectionate like she used to be. She did send a very affectionate text last night, but from multiple times a day to one affectionate text and I haven’t seen her in two weeks? What gives? Roxanne said that she hasn’t dated in over a year and that she’s “weird” and trying to adjust to me, then told me, "Absolutely, yes," when I asked if she wanted to be exclusive.

You gotta coach me Doc. Is Roxanne testing me? Did I do something wrong? If so, what? Mats — who is hopelessly confused

Doc Love's Response Hi Mats, What you have to realize is that I’m only going to give you a temporary fix right now. Without “The System,” it can only be temporary because I know that you’re making a lot more mistakes than you’re telling me about or are even dimly aware of. Now the truth of the matter is that you really didn’t start slowly with Roxanne. All that gabbing with her at the beginning meant that you were starting very quickly. What made it all worse was that she never even saw you in person. In other words, this “relationship” you had going with Roxanne was never anything but a fantasy in her mind — and yours. What you did was give away the store before this girl even saw your face or body language. When you finally did meet her, it was all going to catch up with you. And it did. You say that Roxanne’s interest continued to rise during all these chatter-fests but it really couldn’t because you didn’t pass the physical. You say she would become very affectionate. Do you mean she could actually see you through the phone line? Come on, guy. Communicating electronically with Roxanne was a massive blunder. To you Psych majors, the phone is used to get the date, not to talk on. So right there you were dead. I’m sure that Roxanne is very busy with her career. But does that mean she can’t give you even an hour a week for lunch? The fact that she has no time for anything sounds like you’re doing nothing but rationalizing for her already. And that’s why you need “The System.” I can tell that you understand nothing about dating and women, my friend. When Roxanne pulled away from you when you finally got face to face, it became very obvious that you did not pass the Physical Attraction Test. In her eyes, your body and body language did not match your verbiage. So from the beginning this thing was dead in the water, dude, and all the time you spent blabbing to Roxanne was a titanic waste.

The reason that Roxanne won’t respond to your messages and phone calls is because you’re out. Let me say again that, while I can help you to understand this situation in the short term, you’re really doing a lot more things wrong in front of Roxanne than you know you’re doing wrong. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” When Roxanne says she’s “weird” and trying to adjust to you, it means her Interest Level is 49% or less. But when she agreed to being exclusive, it indicates that you also have a nut-job on your hands. Let me explain something to you: When you see inconsistent behavior, it’s because (A) you’re not going by the techniques of my book, or (B), she’s a loon. But no matter what, the bottom line is that she has no interest in you. Roxanne’s not testing you, pal. Women who test you like you. Roxanne doesn’t like you. She hasn’t liked you since the day she saw your face. So she’s not testing you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You already flunked.” Did you do something wrong? Yes. When you read my articles, you should have had my book for deeper guidance. And you should have told Roxanne, “As soon as I move, we’ll go out on our first date. Until then, Merry Christmas!” Remember guys: If you don’t pass the Physical Attraction Test, you’re out.

Don't Pressure Her Hey Doc, I dig Mackenzie, but I’m not too sure whether she digs me. I’ve been working at a law firm just outside of Los Angeles for two years. When she arrived six months ago, I never saw her as anything other than someone pretty to look at in the office. But this soon turned into feelings of attraction. We were recently assigned to work together and getting to know her has been pleasant. When we talk, she usually just tells me about things that she likes, and things going on in her life. She laughs at my jokes and we seem to enjoy each other’s company. I want to take Mackenzie out, but I’m not sure if I’m mistaking her friendliness for interest; she is hard to read. I’ve read all about “The System” and I know that I shouldn’t be too easy for her, and I think I’ve done a good job of that. Yesterday I found her in my cubicle with two coffees. She got me a pumpkin spice coffee because she knew it was my favorite (it’s all I drink and I guess she noticed). After about 10 minutes of work, she told me that one of the secretaries told her that I was really sweet. She told me that she agreed. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions just yet so I just logged that away.

Then she asked me to lunch, but I couldn’t go. To make up for this, I went out and bought movie tickets for after work. She agreed to go. I don’t think it sounded like a date, and I don’t think she thought that way either. But then she left work early and I didn’t see her and basically I felt stood up. The boss called me in later that evening for a quick meeting, and I guess he called her too because she was also there. After the meeting I didn’t even look at Mackenzie and I made way to my car. She rushed after me and said that she had looked for me after work. She said that she was sorry she couldn’t find me and that’s why she left and went home. She hugged me, told me she loved me and said maybe we can hang some other time. That was the end of the night. The next day when I came to work I saw only one coffee cup, and it wasn’t mine. Mackenzie came in five minutes later, sipped her coffee and for the rest of the day she was all business and no fun at all. It was as if I wasn’t even there. She was cold to me and I didn’t even do anything wrong. Doc, my question is this: What happened to the friendly Mackenzie? And was she ever interested in me at all? How should I act when I see her again? Zenon — who is ridiculously confused

Doc Love's Response Hi Zenon, What’s difficult about this situation is having to maneuver the situation with Mackenzie from a work relationship to a dating relationship. To you Psych majors, this is a very tricky thing to pull off, so you have to go about it very, very carefully. The fact that you were being careful not to mistake Mackenzie’s friendliness for interest was very important, and it demonstrates that you have some brains. So far, so good. And it was also positive that Mackenzie brought your favorite coffee in for you. It could indeed be considered a buying signal. But again, we don’t know for sure if it is. She might just be comfortable with you because she’s working with you and she likes you as a person, and not necessarily in any romantic sense. Saying that she agreed with the secretary that you were sweet could also be interpreted as another buying signal. But at that point you had to get Mackenzie to ask you out. You shouldn’t be asking her out.

When Mackenzie invited you to lunch, you should have counter-offered for another time. You should have said “I can’t make it today, but I can make it tomorrow.” Since you didn’t, it shows me that you don’t know “The System” at all. Reading all about it isn’t the same as actually memorizing it, pal. Now let me get this straight. You bought movie tickets before asking Mackenzie out? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You put the cart before the horse, boy.” If you were going to take her to the movies, you should have asked for her phone number first. You don’t just go out and buy movie tickets, Zenon, and expect Mackenzie to go along, especially when you work with her. You got way ahead of yourself by equating her gesture of bringing your favorite coffee as something that should be reciprocated with a much heavier gesture — movie tickets. You were rushing this whole thing, guy, and worse, you put pressure on this girl. You say that you didn’t think inviting her to the movies sounded like a date, but it did. The fact that you felt stood up proves that you thought it was a date. You can’t have it both ways, Zenon. Why didn’t Mackenzie give you a reason for leaving work that afternoon? All she had to do was call you and leave a message on your answering machine saying she couldn’t make the movies. So basically she did stand you up, my friend. But you asked for it because you went about the whole thing wrong. When you came in the next day and Mackenzie gave you the cold shoulder, you were out. The major mistake you made was the rush-job with the movie tickets. You put pressure on her — too much pressure. And even if her Interest Level was above 50%, putting pressure on her lowered it, because that’s what pressure does. If she had high Interest Level, she would have asked you out, and that’s what you should have waited for. But you couldn’t control yourself. Mackenzie acted like you weren’t there anymore because for her, you weren’t after you blew it. You say that you didn’t do anything wrong, but you did. You bought movie tickets for someone you work with and it wasn’t clear to her whether the gesture was social or romantic. Again, too much pressure. And now you’re worried about a missing coffee when you should be worried about a broken date. You might have looked at “The System,” but you never memorized it, otherwise you wouldn’t have made all these mistakes. What happened to the friendly Mackenzie? You turned her off when you pressured her with those movie tickets. Was she ever interested in you? Yes, she was slightly interested, but you didn’t go in slowly enough. Like most guys, you rushed into rejection.

When you see Mackenzie from now on, act like nothing ever happened. Smile, be cordial, and that’s it. And don’t talk to any of the other women in the office about her. Remember, you have to work with this girl. Remember, guys: Unless you memorize “The System,” you don’t have a chance.

YES, IT'S TRUE. YOU NEED TO FINALLY LET HER GO Missing article...

Learn To Say No Hey Doc, India and I have been together for four years. We’ve had several differences, fights, arguments, etc. As a whole, the relationship has been 60% good and 40% not so good. A couple of months ago we got into a huge fight. She broke up with me, but since then we’ve talked about our problems and issues. Although we’re not formally a couple anymore, she still needs me to do things for her. And she still comes over and stays with me on the weekends. I have expressed to India that we can’t be friends right now if she is entertaining other men — for example, texting, talking on the phone, going out on dates, etc. I’ve asked her if she was doing so and she said no, she's not doing any of the above. I know that people sometimes have opposite-sex platonic friends to talk to about their relationship issues. I do, and I tell India. She even knows the names of the women I talk to. These are women/sisters/close female friends of mine of over 15 years, so there’s no need for me to be secretive about it with her. I ask her if she has male friends she talks to and she swears no. But I know differently. She does have a male friend she talks to. But she won’t be honest with me about it, which makes me even more curious about him. Doc, I’ve been able to gain access to India’s phone and text logs. Over the past two months I’ve noticed a new number appearing on them. But what really alarmed me is that over the last eight days they’ve texted each other 175 times, and they still continue to text back and forth, but without actually talking on the phone. I’ve called the guy and asked him who he was, and of course, he wouldn’t say. I’ve repeatedly asked India if she’s talking or texting anyone and she still denies it. She also says that if she was interested in anyone else she wouldn’t be seeing me. What should I do? Why would a woman only talk to a man via text so much and not the phone? This really sucks because I can’t tell India that I’ve seen her call log. I just want the truth and don’t know how to get it.

Steverino - who knows he’s going to get hurt

Doc Love's Response Hi Steverino, The reason your relationship with India was 60% good was because you were only doing 60% of “The System.” The bad 40% is because you aren’t going by “The System.” When you don’t go by my book, women pick fights and arguments. It’s because of her falling Interest Level, which is because the guy — in this case, you — isn’t abiding by my principles, so he deserves it. The guy will think she has a bad attitude, but that’s not the problem at all. She’d have a great attitude if he was following my techniques. You don’t want 40% bad. You want only 10% bad. When India broke up with you, you should have mailed all of her belongings back to her immediately and closed the door on the relationship. No meeting, no talking, no nothing. But what did you do? You went straight back to her when she dumped you. To you Psych majors, when a girl dumps you, you shouldn’t even want to be with her. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Why would you want somebody who don’t want you?” But India still needs you to do all kinds of chores for her, and you don’t have the backbone to tell her no. You should have said to her, “Hey, you dumped me. Find yourself a new carpenter. Find yourself another computer tech. Don’t look at me.” Another mistake is having India stay over on weekends. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You’re trying to have it both ways.” No can do. What do you mean India can’t entertain other men? She dropped you, didn’t she? You two are formally broken up. She can do whatever she wants, my friend. And when a babe says she’s through with you, she can see whoever she wants. Now let me get this straight. You tell India that you’re talking to other women about your problems with her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “That’s real smart, dude!” Maybe you should just get those women friends of yours together with India so they can all talk over your issues! Guy, the rule is that you don't talk to other women about your girlfriend. Period. Why does it bother you that your ex-girlfriend who already dropped you is talking to another guy? The fact is that this anonymous guy is India’s new boyfriend and she

likes him a lot. When a girl falls in love with somebody new, they text a lot. No big deal. Steverino, wake up! India dropped you. She doesn’t owe you anything. You’re kind of a “half-boyfriend” now. When India says that she’s not interested in any other guy, it’s a candidate for the lie of the year award. What should you do now? Very simple. Get “The System” and get rid of this girl ASAP. And who cares how she communicates with this other guy? I don’t care if she does it with a tin can and a string, the point is that she’s talking with another guy. She told you that she wants to get rid of you and you’re just holding onto a reserve position until she makes the final break. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “You’re like a second string backup.” In other words, you’re yesterday’s food. Forget about India’s text and call log. You’re getting hung up on nothing here. This stuff is nothing but smoke. The real problem is that you and India argue 40% of the time. The texts are a non-issue. Of course she’s talking to a guy. Like my cousin General Love says, “She’s looking for a new adventure.” You’re yesterday’s newspapers, Steverino. India’s interested in the new guy and she’s not interested in you – it’s that simple. You want the truth? The truth is that you and India don’t get along. And since you don’t utilize “The System,” she treats you accordingly. Remember, guys: if you do the wrong things, she can’t stay in love with you.

Self-Esteem Issues Hey Doc, Two years ago I met Chynna on an online dating site. But during those two years, we only went out five times. At first I thought she was attractive (not a knockout, but maybe a 7.5 out of 10), not overweight, and she was an absolute sweetheart. Our dates went well. The only problem was that I just didn’t feel any chemistry with her, so I decided not to ask her out again. A month or two would pass and I’d think, "You know, Chynna wasn’t so bad. I’ll give her another try.” We’d go out again and still no chemistry. Here’s some additional background: She’s 50 and I’m 49. And she’s very religious (goes to church, has Bible study in her home, etc.). Finally I realized it wasn’t fair to Chynna to keep asking her out when it looked like things weren’t going to blossom between us. An entire year went by (I just had no desire to see her). Then, a couple weeks ago, I did it again. I asked her out to see if this time would be the charm — and it was. I started to feel something for her and we made tentative plans to see each other the following afternoon.

After we made plans for the following day I gave her the smooch test. I don’t know if it was my imagination, but she looked absolutely shocked. That was not a good sign. To top it off, the next day she canceled our plans for that afternoon. I guessed that so much time had passed with nothing happening that she put me in the “just friends” category and I made her uncomfortable when I kissed her (hence the broken date). I accepted that this was my fault and just wrote her off. Five days later Chynna called and asked if I’d go shopping with her and I agreed. She asked me to stop by her house the night before so we could look at ads and see what stores we wanted to visit. Before I left, I kissed her twice and she kissed me back (I didn’t sense an overwhelming amount of affection but she did kiss me back). Our shopping time together was 100% light and funny — no heavy subjects. One time I rested my hand on top of hers while we were talking and got no response and, once again, had to wonder where I stood. I decided that I wouldn’t make any effort to kiss Chynna when we parted ways that night because I didn’t want to come on too strong. But when we were about to part she stood facing me so I kissed her. She really kissed back this time and we shared a couple of long, deep kisses. I can’t explain it, but this woman, who I once had absolutely no romantic feeling for, is now all I think about. Do you think I have trust and credibility issues I need to overcome because there were so many dates over such a long time period with nothing happening? Could Chynna be thinking, “He has a history of going out with me and then disappearing?” Should I act like we just started dating and stick with the plan of asking her out once a week? Harry — who’s scratching his head.

Doc Love's Response Hi Harry, At first you did the right thing when you left Chynna alone after those first dates. To you Psych majors, if you don’t feel something for a woman, forget her. Why would you want to waste her time, and more importantly, yours? But you convinced yourself that Chynna wasn’t so bad and then you asked her out again. But let me ask you a question: If you’d met another woman you liked, wouldn’t you be thinking about her? That said, it’s good that Chynna has her nose in the Bible.

Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “At least we know she’s not hanging out at the bars and getting drunk every night.” Now let me straighten you out on something, Harry. You never make “tentative” plans to see a woman. You make plans, period! But what I really don’t like here is that you keep coming back to this woman when you have no interest in her. Dude, you must be striking out with other women or have low self-esteem — or both. In other words, something must be screwed up with you. When a woman doesn’t pass the Physical Attraction Test, and you continue going out with her until you see the light, something’s not wrong with her — the problem’s with you. It’s the inconsistency in your feelings that’s dangerous here. You don’t necessarily have to be head-overheels in love with a woman the first time you see her, but there has to be some little spark there for you to go on seeing her. So like I said, either you can’t score a date with someone you really dig, or you have low self-esteem. When Chynna broke that date with you, a huge red flag should have gone up in your mind. This is the type of inconsistency you should be on the lookout for, and this situation is nothing but a bunch of inconsistencies. Think about it. At first you go out with Chynna and you don’t care for her. Then she agrees to go out with you after all of your indecision about her but cancels the date. So now you’re both being inconsistent. Agreeing to go shopping with Chynna was a mistake. You only go shopping with your girlfriend. Going shopping is not a date. A date is when you go out and put a show on for a woman and have a great time. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re not here to be her chauffeur.” You went to Chynna’s house and looked over ads? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You should have offered to fix her sink and paint her house while you were at it.” You’re not supposed to touch Chynna’s hand, guy. She’s supposed to touch you. There’s a chapter on “touching” in “The System,” but you obviously don’t have it memorized. But then you say you didn’t want to come on too strong with Chynna. It’s a little late for that, isn’t it? And your kisses shouldn’t last over a second and a half — you have to build Challenge. Harry, you don’t have any clue what you’re doing with women. Yes, pal, you have some issues here, and they’re not positive. Of course Chynna has to be thinking that you have a history of disappearing, because that’s your modus operandi. And no, you shouldn’t be asking Chynna out anymore because she broke a date. Besides, you’ve both given each other so many mixed signals that you have nothing but a mess on your hands. Remember, guys: When she breaks a date, she’s out.

Lasting Relationships Hey Doc, Recently I’ve been reading your columns, and I’m also interested in “The System” and plan to use it to help guide me so I can better understand relationships and how they work. I’ve only known about your materials for a couple of days and I have yet to read your book, so bear with me if my knowledge is off. I had to leave for military training early on in my relationship with Candace. We had some discussions about it, and it was a difficult thing for us, but we felt as if it would be too much for us to handle staying together when we’d only been dating for a short period of time. Exactly one month ago we got back together, and I’m happy to say that it’s been fantastic. We talk every other day and I see her three times a week. We’ve met each other’s families and friends, and I’ve taken her out on a date at least once every week. She’s both loving and caring and everything I look for in a woman. We have discussed my military life, and though it’s not easy, she supports me 100% and can cope with it better now that she has a clearer understanding of what I have to do (I have to leave for training again but it won’t be quite so long or far away this time). But there’s something that concerns me. Last night Candace said that she loved me, and though it took me by surprise, I told her that I loved her too. Though at the moment it seemed completely harmless, something tells me that there’s a red flag here now that I think back on it. I’m worried that we may be rushing a little and that she may feel the same way. She’s the first girl I’ve said "I love you" to and I’d like for this relationship to last. Candace is an incredible woman and I’d hate to lose her. I’d like to hear your opinion on this and how I can make this relationship last. What’s the key to a long-lasting relationship and how can I keep her Interest Level up? Also, do you think this love that we have for each other is too fast-moving? I’d appreciate your coaching, Doc, and look forward to reading your book. Bip — whose head is swimming

Doc Love's Response Hi Bip,

Exactly when are you planning on buying and using “The System?” In a year or a year and a half when it’s already too late to do something about your deteriorating relationship with Candace? I don’t mean to pressure you or anything, pal, but it’s the most important tool you’ll ever have in your hands when it comes to women. Why in the world would you want to be without it? What seems strange to me is that it would have taken you only one minute to order the book, but it took you a half-hour to write a letter. What sense does that make? Meeting Candace’s family and friends already demonstrates to me that you’re moving way too fast. Meeting friends comes after Candace is already your girlfriend. And this girl is not yet your girlfriend. And meeting families comes after six months. So you are indeed rushing here. But without my book for guidance, let’s hope you’re not rushing straight into rejection, like so many men do. You say that Candace is the epitome of the great woman, but the truth is that you don’t really know what to look for in a woman since you don’t have “The System.” That’s your problem. On top of that, you haven’t been acquainted with Candace long enough to really know anything about her. You might think that Candace has a better idea of your military situation, but when you’re off in Afghanistan for six months, is she going to be loyal to you after having only a few dates with you and she’s not officially your girlfriend? That’s the question you haven’t asked yourself, Bip. You shouldn’t have told Candace that you loved her. To you Psych majors, when you tell a woman that you love her, you kill challenge. That concept is explained in great detail in my book, which, unfortunately for you, you don’t have. And that book, let me remind you, takes all of one minute to order. Why are you worrying that Candace feels you’re rushing things? Like my cousin General Love says, “You didn’t put a gun to her head to get her to say she loves you, did you?” You might want your relationship with Candace to last, but you’re really not prepared for that because you know nothing about Interest Level and you nothing about Challenge, except very superficially. By evidence of the many phone calls you and Candace make to each other, you’re moving way too fast here, which will murder both Interest Level and Challenge. And you know nothing whatsoever about the dangers and psychology of long distance relationships. It’s one thing for you to go out of the country for three to six weeks, but when you go out for six months and Candace starts running around with her girlfriends, they are going to meet guys. And that’s trouble.

My friend, the only way you can make this relationship last is by having my book overnighted to you. Then you have to memorize it, because you have to keep this girl interested in you when you’re away for a long period of time. Most guys cannot do it. What’s the key to a long-lasting relationship? I’m glad you asked that question, because it’s fully explained in my book. But like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The trick is making sure that she likes you more than you like her.” Yes, your love with Candace is way too fast-moving. Like I said earlier, you don’t meet her family and friends until she’s your girlfriend. You’re not taking things in order, dude. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re putting the cart before the horse.” In other words, slow down! You’re doing everything backwards. Remember, guys: When you’re not right in front of her face for a long period of time, she’ll tend to roam.

Don't Be A Pushover Hey Doc, I read one of your articles and figured I would ask you for some coaching before purchasing your book. I am at heart a nice guy, and, as I have discovered, this appears to be my main problem. Kacey is the woman I’ve waited my whole life for, but I’ve made many serious errors with her. We have known each other for many years, we’re best friends, but she has been a continuing source of heartache for me. We have separated and gotten back together many times over the last few years, usually as a result of her being fed up with my poor self-esteem or the severe depression I developed as a result of her rejection of me early on. Last year I finally stepped away from Kacey of my own accord. Between her poor treatment of me and her lying, I decided I had to leave or go insane. After some time apart, the greater part of a year, Kacey messaged me, wanting to be friends. I agreed hesitantly and decided to take things slowly. For the most part, I have handled this time around with her much better, especially since I’ve impressed on her that how I feel about her has not changed since the day we met. So this past year has actually been pretty good. I have given up on dating Kacey, and I even met another nice woman I was interested in. However, that went nowhere as she has her own issues and is not interested in me. I have done my best to be a supportive and caring friend to Kacey, and even though I love her dearly, I did my

best to give her good advice while she was in a relationship with another man (which my ego has still not quite gotten over). Not more than a couple of months ago her partner left her, leaving me in a rather strange position. So now I’m in a jam. I know damn well there is something between Kacey and me and everyone (except for my family) thinks we are a perfect couple. But I have come to realize that my own foolish behavior has messed a lot of things up between us as far as dating goes. I know that Kacey loves me because during our times apart she becomes moody and often cries because we aren’t talking (this is straight from her mother’s mouth), but I don’t think Kacey realizes it herself. Unfortunately I’ve been exactly the weak, pleading, spineless nice guy that I tried not to be, and I feel like this has raised a barrier between us. Doc, do you think there might still be a chance for me to make things right? I know that there is the potential for a lifelong love here. I know I have found my soul mate and even she agrees. Bubby — who can’t seem to be strong

Doc Love's Response Hi Bubby, First of all, let me get this straight. You’re at the hospital with four broken ribs, a broken neck and a broken finger. And you’re telling the doctor to just fix your finger. That’s exactly what your refusal to buy and memorize “The System” amounts to. Guy, you needed my book five years ago! And you’re still debating whether or not to buy it? What sense does that make? Now let me correct you on something. You’re not a nice guy, Bubby. You’re a weak guy. You’re a man without a backbone, the most despised type of guy in the eyes of women all over the world. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you that before, but it’s the truth. You might have been waiting for Kacey your whole life, but has she been waiting for you? That’s the only thing that matters, dude. But by your own admission, you’re making serious errors with her. So you’re making all these big blunders, you desperately need coaching, and you want to think for a few months more about whether or not to get “The System.” Hey, makes all kinds of sense to me!

But you say that you and Kacey are best friends. I got news for you, Bubby: “best friends” and “heartache” don’t go together in the same sentence. And you have not separated and gotten back together. What you really mean is that Kacey has gotten rid of you a bunch of times and then taken you back. Let’s be honest, please. Then you say that she constantly lies to you. But how could that be when she’s your best friend? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Your reasoning here is all backwards, my son.” Kacey didn’t want to be friends with you again. She just wanted you back so she could play with your emotions again and she was bored. And since you have no cojones, you fell for it. You didn’t agree “hesitantly” to see her again when she messaged you, Bubby. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You jumped at the chance.” And you told her you loved her all over again, after everything she put you through. So by telling her that you adore her, you think she’s going to treat you better? Your logic is astounding, Bubby! It’s no surprise that a new girl wasn’t interested in you. You’re not trained for a new girlfriend, pal. Before you can go after a new girl, you have to memorize my book and get rid of Kacey — but not until then. You haven’t been a supportive and caring friend to Kacey. You’ve been nothing but a co-dependent in a sick relationship. To prove it, you helped her out with another guy that she was kissing. On second thought, you don’t need “The System” after all! You’ve got it all down, Bubby! Of course you’re in a strange position. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You got left with the leftovers.” The other guy is through with Kacey and then you picked up what he didn’t want. But you say now you’re in a jam! Bubby, have you ever thought about stand-up comedy as a profession? But you’re convinced there’s something between the two of you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “The only thing between you two is a truckload of bad memories.” Nevertheless, you maintain that when a babe gets moody and cries, it’s because she has high Interest Level. How did you happen to arrive at that conclusion? You say you’ve been weak, needy and spineless, and that’s the barrier between you. Like my cousin General Love says, “It’s more like the Great Wall of China!” Bubby, there’s no chance of making things right with Kacey. Because you do everything wrong, she has no choice but to treat you the way she does. If you did things right — in other words, if you’d had memorized my book years ago — Kaycee would never be depressed and moody, and she’d be helping the homeless — all because she was in love with you. But you go right on thinking about getting “The System” later. What’s the rush, right?

Second Chances Hey Doc, I own “The System” and I’m a Doc Love Club member. Your book has really made a big impact on my life and helped me to put my ego in check. I’m in my mid-30s, have read your book 16 times, and I’m the first to tell you I need to keep reading it because I still make mistakes. But I keep a log of my mistakes, and I’ve been improving. I tend to learn slowly and need to put more effort into things than the average guy, but once it clicks for me, I get better at it than most. I’m currently living in Las Vegas after spending most of my life on the East Coast. This is the hardest place I’ve ever lived in regards to meeting single women because guys far outnumber women. It’s so bad I’ve contemplated moving back East, but when I read your material I realized that I needed to better myself to stand out from the average single guy. I’ve been dating a lot, but have trouble finding a girl I’m really into who has a high enough Interest Level in me. This is where Ana enters the picture. She’s my sister’s friend and was divorced six months ago, after a 10-year marriage. I read your warnings in the book about women on the rebound and how long it takes them to get over a divorce. Ana, though, showed high Interest Level in me but I always made myself scarce. Finally I decided to ask her on a date. She accepted. The date went really well. I went in planning to go very slowly, as you suggested. I kept it light and funny and was a gentleman. I let her touch me and at the end of the night I saw she wanted to kiss me, but I didn’t go in for the kiss since it was the first date. She gave me a big hug and stated that she wanted to go out with me again. I simply said “I had a wonderful time tonight” and smiled. The next morning she sent me an email thanking me again and telling me she had a good time. I again followed “The System” and responded with “You’re welcome. I had a great time too.” I didn’t ask her out again since I wanted to wait a week. Now here’s the problem. Over the weekend, Ana hung out with my sister. She told my sister that she planned on seeing me again. They evidently talked a lot about me, and my sister told Ana how much I liked her and really put a lot of pressure on the relationship. My sister knows I am looking for a wife, but I’ve tried to hide how much I like Ana from her. Basically, she undid everything I accomplished on our first date. I am sure my sister was well-intentioned, but I feel like she sabotaged me. Ana then emailed me that she wasn’t ready to date anyone and wasn’t looking for anything serious and that we should just be friends. I knew it was something my sister said, and she admitted it. Then I made a mistake by telling Ana that she shouldn’t listen to what my sister said and that I wanted to keep dating her and after just one date I wasn’t even thinking about anything serious. After I sent that email I went back to the

good book and read through the chapter on Begging. Unfortunately, Doc, I realized that I was begging. How should I have handled this? I don’t know how much this lowered Ana’s Interest Level in me. She replied that she wanted to continue to get to know me, that she really does like me, but right now she can only get to know me as a friend. I realized that begging wasn’t going to get me anywhere, so I changed my tune. I told her I thought it was a great idea and that we can be friends as long as she behaves herself. Since then I have been teasing her about stalking me and she seems to have fallen in line with the joking and flirting. Doc, am I out for good? You say one chance per girl per lifetime. Does this count as my chance? I am continuing to date other women, but I’mforcing myself to go out with them, as my interest in Ana is in the 90s. I feel like she is exactly what I want and that if my sister hadn’t interfered, “The System” would have worked Ana’s interest up into the 90s. When I get down about it, I pick up your book and keep hammering away. Tell me what to do and I will do it, even if means moving on. Sterling — who rarely deviates from the rules

Doc Love's Response Hi Sterling, First of all, if you keep making mistakes, it means you have to keep reading my book. So that’s a great observation on your part. Also, keeping a log of your mistakes is an excellent idea, too. I wish more guys would follow your example. Vegas may be a challenge, but you don’t have to move back to the cold and the snow and the ice. Once you get my techniques down cold, you aregoing to stand out over other guys and no matter where you are in the world: Whether Borneo or Norway, you’re going to be a success with women. All the stuff you did before and during your first date with Ana was perfect. So far you’re doing everything right — which means that you’re going by my book. But now there’s a problem. I coach you in my book to keep your mouth shut and not tell anyone about what you’re doing. So what do you do? You blab to your sister everything you’re thinking and feeling about Ana. Common sense would dictate that your sister’s going to run off at the mouth when she’s with her friend. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Women stick together.”

There’s a chapter in my book on blockers, and your sister is a blocker. But again, it didn’t help that you spouted off about your feelings. Did you actually think that your sister wasn’t going to say anything to Ana? Guy, when you let that happen, you murdered challenge. You became an open book for Ana. When you’re talking to your sister about your love life, you have to do it on a “need to know” basis. You should have just said, “Yeah, Ana seems like a nice girl.” That’s all your sister needed to know. To you Psych majors, women tend to tell other women about what’s going on in their love lives. What do you mean you tried to hide how much you liked Ana from your sister? You should have just said “She’s an average girl” — that’s all. That said, your sister did sabotage you. As the old saying goes, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Instead of begging Ana, you should have just let her cool off for a week or two, then called her up out of the blue, pretended that you knew nothing about what your sister said, and asked her out for another date. When you told Ana you could be friends if she behaved herself, that was a very sharp maneuver, my friend. You were being funny in a situation where most guys would have been defensive and uptight. In spite of the fact that you’re probably on the way out with this babe — depending on how much damage your sister did — it’s great that you kidded her. I want to congratulate you on a very slick move there. No, you’re not out for good — because you haven’t asked Ana out for the second date and she hasn’t turned you down yet. So this isn’t your one chance per girl per lifetime. What you’re going to do is let Ana text or email you, but you’re not going to answer her. You’re going to wait a week, call her out of the blue like I said, and ask her out. Your interest in Ana is way too high, dude. It should only be from 80% to 89%. But hers should be in the 90s. When a man’s Interest Level shoots into the 90s, he doesn’t act the same. Men’s personalities change when they’ve flipped over a babe. Sterling, you brought this situation on yourself because you have a big mouth. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “The last person you tell how you feel is a girl’s girlfriend.” I don’t know how you can read a book 16 times — a book that tells you in every other paragraph tokeep your mouth shut and not express your feelings — and then still blab your guts out to your sister and not expect her to open her mouth to her best friend. Come on, man, where’s your common sense? Here’s what you do: Back off and take a shot at Ana later.

Remember, guys: When everything is going well with a girl, keep it to yourself.

Know When To Move On Hey Doc, I met Patty at work. She’s not a coworker, but someone who drops by on workrelated matters when necessary. She began to show interest in me and I asked her out on a date. The date went very well, and she and I kissed. Afterwards she expressed interest in getting together again, and texted me for another date. When I told her I would get back to her, she even bought me a small gift and left it with a coworker to give to me since I wasn’t in the office at the time. At the same time, however, a co-worker, Nina, became infatuated with me and she and I began an amazing five-month relationship. I practiced Self-Control and Challenge, and was rewarded handsomely for it. Doc, your techniques worked like a dream. Nothing was better than watching another guy who was interested in Nina bring up a movie he wanted to take her to, only for her to turn right around and ask me to take her to see it — right in front of him! And by the way, I told her I would think about it. You’re a genius, Doc! But I didn’t follow the maintenance portion of “The System,” and the relationship with Nina ended. Although she was attractive, a Flexible Giver, and had an Interest Level in the 90s during most of the relationship, she wasn’t Loyal and I had to drop her. Her contract with our company expired before the breakup, so she and I don’t work together anymore. Now, it’s five months later, and I thought about Patty and asked her out on a date again. She was happy to hear from me, but couldn’t make it the night I proposed as she was out of town. I waited a few weeks to ask her out on another date, but this time she was very busy due to the holidays. (This was a week before Christmas.) She told me that we should definitely get together after the holidays. I agreed that it was a good idea, and said maybe we’d do that. I still haven’t asked her out for a third time. Doc, I feel like Patty’s still interested in me, but I also feel like I might be skating on thin ice. Surely she must feel somewhat turned off that I waited so long to ask her out again. I’m betting she wants to go out with me again, but I don’t know if I should wait for her to initiate contact or not. Coach me, Doc. Viktor - who hopes he didn’t blow it

Doc Love's Response Hi Viktor, First of all, you’re not supposed to kiss a girl on the first date, and you kissed Patty. Remember, you’re supposed to be a Challenge, and by going in too quickly for the kiss you subvert that strategy. To you Psych majors, when you don’t try to kiss a girl when every other guy does, it makes you stand out in the crowd. It was a bad move on Patty’s part to leave you any kind of gift with your coworker. Because now the coworker and everyone else in your office — all 400 people in that eight-story building — know that you’re going out with Patty. And the results of that can only be bad for you and her. It was great the way you handled Nina when she showed a high Interest Level in you. And it was likewise good that you went out with her, gave it a shot and then dropped her when it turned out that she wasn’t Loyal. Most guys would have rationalized the situation. “Oh, she’ll change,” they’d tell themselves, “and next year she’ll become honest.” Uh, right. And women are going to stop swooning over Brad Pitt. Now let me explain something to you, Viktor. You can’t go back to Patty. You dropped her and disappeared for five long months. When you go out with a babe, you have to go out with her in a straight run. You can’t date a girl once or twice then disappear for half a year and try to come back. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re insulting the girl, man.” And in her mind, you’re being disrespectful. And now she’s turned you down when you asked her out again and she didn’t counter-offer. Which proves what I said about how she feels about you now. Then you went and asked her out again, but she handed you a lame excuse about the holidays. Once again there was no counter-offer. What this all means, dude, is that you’re out. You might feel like Patty’s still interested in you, guy, but she’s not. You’re the one who’s interested in her because you got rid of Nina. You should have stayed with Patty to begin with and you should have finished what you started with her. But you don’t say why you dropped her. What was it about her that you didn’t dig? Of course Patty is turned off because you waited half a year to ask her out again — any woman would be. You dissed and insulted her, buddy, like I said. And like I say in my book, you get one shot per girl per lifetime. You had yours.

Patty doesn’t want to go out with you again, so waiting for any gesture from her now is a waste of time. If I were you, I would just forget this girl, throw away her number and chalk it up to your ineptitude. If she happens to contact you, go out with her — but it’s not going to happen. She’s turned you down twice with no counter-offers, so why would she contact you now? Why would she contact you at all? Remember, guys: when you’re dating a girl and then disappear for five months, you can’t just pick up where you left off.

Texting Women Hey Doc, I just read “The System” after a bad breakup and let me tell ya, I was nodding my head the entire time. Anyway, my question is in regard to the fact that almost no one talks on the phone anymore. Most recently, Gwyneth gave me her number after I messaged her once on a dating website. I waited 10 days to contact her. Maybe I misplayed this one, but I texted her (instead of phoned) to go out for a drink, which she agreed to. I met her at the bar and I feel as though I carried myself quite well. I was neatly put together, kept eye contact, asked her a lot of questions, we had some good mutual conversation, and I made sure I answered the questions she asked me with confidence, but with a degree of vagueness. She gave me good signals (playing with her hair, laughing a lot, asking me personal questions). I dropped her off with a hug (that she initiated) and without making any plans, I bid her farewell. I decided to stick to “The System” and not text her the next day even though I wanted to. Sure enough, the next night she texted me thanking me for the drink and said she had a great time and to let her know if I’d like to get together again, and she also apologized for jumping out of the car so quickly, because she was nervous. To keep her laughing I replied with, “My pleasure. So you mean you didn’t have to pee really badly?” She asked me what I was up to on the weekend and there I was, caught in a texting conversation, which happens so commonly in today’s world, and also was what doomed me with the last girl I dated. I don’t want to be rude and not respond to Gwyneth’s questions, because she can tell that I read her texts, but I want to keep Challenge going, show control, and not text with her every couple of hours. I know correspondence (texts or phone calls) should only be used to set up the next date, but how do I react to a girl who keeps texting me and asking me questions? Should I just not respond even though she can see that I’ve read them? Also, because I’ve texted with her a few times now, is it too late to change the pattern?

Sylvain — who feels trapped by technology

Doc Love's Response Hi Sylvain, First of all, if a girl is comfortable with it, texting can indeed replace the telephone as a means of communication. Texting per se isn’t the problem. Now let me compliment you on how you handled yourself on your first date with Gwyneth. You did everything right, Sylvain. In fact, you were perfect. And it’s great that you didn’t talk about the future. The way you handled the date is why Gwyneth got back in touch with you so quickly to do it again. But let me ask you this: why did you really want to text Gwyneth the very next day? This is a question you have to ask yourself. You have to make yourself more of a Challenge, pal. To you Psych majors, you must get rid of the desire to be an open book for girls, which slays Challenge right out of the gate. Page 2 of 2

And you have to be careful with the bathroom humor. If you’re dating an ultraconservative girl, she might not dig you talking about off-color subjects. What you said was a borderline joke and it might not go over the way you wanted it to. Now, if Gwyneth is your girlfriend after six months and you know her well and you’re buddybuddy with her, it might be a different story. But when you don’t know a girl that well, you are better advised to walk the straight and narrow in the beginning. You don’t want a crude, offhanded remark to turn her off. Instead of getting bogged down in a texting conversation with Gwyneth, you should have said, “This weekend I’m tied up. But we will see each other again.” Now, in one sense you’re talking about the future when you say something like this, but what you’re really doing here is buying time. Because what you want to do is wean Gwyneth off the habit of texting you. It would be rude not to respond to Gwyneth’s text questions. Any time somebody leaves you a message by email or text, you have to answer. But like I said, what you want to do is stall for time. So here’s how to respond to Gwyneth when she texts you: “I had a great time, too.” And let it go at that. How do you react to a girl who keeps texting you and asking questions? You just say this: “It’s so much more fun to do all of our talking face to face!” If she texts you again, repeat the message: “I much prefer doing all this communicating face to face.”

Keep saying it until Gwyneth gets the message and stops texting you all the time. Again, you are obligated to respond, but, “Thanks, looking forward to seeing you again” is sufficient. Keep it short and sweet, and don’t ask her out. No, it’s not too late to change Gwyneth’s texting pattern because you haven’t done it all that much with her. But keep in mind that, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It’s bad news to start a pattern with any girl.” And if you back off from her, she’ll want to know why, and she’ll start to smell a rat. So like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you don’t start a bad habit, you won’t have a bad habit to break.” Remember, guys: since texting kills Challenge, use it only to get the date.

Long-Distance Dating Hey Doc, First I want to tell you that I believe 100% in what you teach because it all makes so much sense! I have even wondered if you are a prophet who has come to help mankind (I’m being serious!) or just a genius. In any case, you could have more impact on society than Da Vinci if men just listened. Anyway, I just started reading “The System” and I’m not finished yet, but I will never in my life put it down. I was recently dating a very dangerous creature, Tina, and I did everything right (for a guy without “The System”). I was Confident and I knew through experience to make her chase me. She had 90% Interest Level, and there is no better feeling in this world than to have a Beautiful Woman worship you. She is special, incredibly smart, speaks four languages, and is social, funny, Giving and Flexible. In other words, a gem. I know there are no second chances, but this situation is very unique. I met Tina while studying abroad. She lives in Europe and I live in America. We agreed long distance didn’t work, but we stayed in touch through Skype and messaging and when I had Self-Control and kept it light and funny I could see her interest shoot straight through my screen. It got to the point where she came to America to visit me a few months ago and we had a blast. I made her laugh every single day and she gave me the “I feel like I’ve known you all my life” line, which, as you say is Womanese for “Bingo!” But when she returned to Europe, I got too Confident, started relying on her emotionally and listened to my ego. We argued a bit and I ignored her for a few days. I thought she would come back apologizing and begging, but I forgot she was a dangerous creature and her Interest Level dropped. An Olympic athlete, movie star

and model came into the picture (this guy is actually real), and I found out that they kissed and Tina liked him. When I found out, I happened to be drunk and I insulted her very badly. She later tried to explain to me that we were not exclusive and she loved me and would be my girlfriend if we were in the same country, but it was impossible. In any case, I was too hurt and I stopped talking to her. One month later, I am still as miserable as the first day I lost her. She never lied to me (I think); we were not committed and I made a big mistake by losing my SelfControl. I do not want a relationship with her, but I am wondering if she is someone I should keep in touch with. I am not sure where her Interest Level is now, but I believe it’s above 60%. What can I do to not lose this diamond in the rough forever? Should I apologize for insulting her and losing my Self-Control and restart a light and funny but limited contact? Or should I throw away her contact information and pictures? Claude — who is sad because he couldn’t control himself

Doc Love's Response Hi Claude, First of all, thanks for the compliment. But in those last four words you said the most important thing of all — if men just listened. Sadly, most of you don’t. Here’s your problem: you live in America and Tina lives in Europe. Bang, you’re dead. Dead in the water. It’s all over. Everything you say from now on is a complete waste of time. You’re out. Tina’s not going to move and you’re not going to move, so there’s nothing whatsoever to talk about. This is a long-distance relationship and you know what I say about them. Are you sure you read my book? This thing was dead from the beginning! But wait a minute, here. You both agreed that long distance doesn’t work. So why are you staying in touch with Tina? What’s the point? In other words, you really didn't agree that this thing won’t work. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You can’t have it both ways.” You might have had a blast when Tina visited you in America, but neither one of you is going to move, which is the critical point. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When it comes to love, visits don’t cut it.” Dude, she lives halfway around the world!

So you’re here and she’s there and an Olympic athlete, model and movie star comes into the picture. He might be all those things, but the most important thing is that he lives right across the street from Tina and you live 4,000 miles away! That’s the real problem. Who told you that Tina kissed this other guy? There’s only one person who could have told you that she digs him — Tina! You weren’t there — you were on the other side of the world. So she’s telling you that she’s making out with some other guy. If that doesn’t tell you that it’s over, nothing will! What does she have to do, marry him for you to believe it? To you Psych majors, the problem with being drunk is that you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It’s called lack of Self-Control. But Tina was telling you the truth: you two weren’t exclusive. How could you be? You’re in America and she’s in Europe! Nevertheless, she said that she would be your girl if you were in the same country. So at least she’s being rational, man. You’re not. Tina’s a good girl. But “if” is the critical word here. Claude, you haven’t memorized my book yet. You said you weren’t finished reading “The System.” You have to be knocking this book off once a week for 15 weeks to absorb its full effect. And it’s only 210 pages long. You’re not doing your homework, buddy. Remember that when you used the principles of my book, everything went right. You never had this girl, Claude. You couldn’t have her because you’re not on the same side of the Atlantic Ocean. Tina even told you that. But your ego is so big that you don’t want to listen. So why would you want to keep in touch with somebody you’re in love with who’s kissing a movie star now? You’re lying to yourself again. Tina’s Interest Level is not above 60%. It’s below 50% and that means you’re finished and it's time to back off. What can you do not to lose Tina forever? Win the lottery and buy a house down the street from her in whatever country she’s living in. That’s your only shot. So call her and tell her you had too much to drink, you’re sorry for insulting her and you really think she’s a nice girl. Then never speak to her again. Yes, throw her number and pictures away — if you finally want to face reality. Unless, that is, you want to attend an Olympic wedding! Remember, guys: long distance relationships never work.

Maintaining Challenge Over Distance Hey Doc, I met Eva a few weeks back at a party. She’s 36, beautiful and intelligent. I’m 30 and the age difference doesn’t bother me, but do you think an age gap this big is a problem? Anyway, after we were introduced, I left the discussion to talk to other girls. After the party, Eva came to me and we talked again. I could senseshe was interested. She offered me her number and asked me to call her later. But right after the party we went to a bar and really hit off. Eva really seems like an amazing girl, but of course to know this for sure, I’d have to date her for at least a few months. But the gut feeling I had was that she was a good one. At the end of the night when I took her home we made out for a few minutes. It just felt right, and it was unavoidable. She again asked me to call her. I waited seven days to call Eva, proposed a Sunday date, and she said yes. But two days later she called and told me that she has to go to Florida for three months to take care of a work-related matter. It was a deal that she couldn’t pass on, and the offer had come about later on the same day that I had asked her for a date. She said she hesitated at first to take it, but considering how good the deal was financially and for her career, she really had to accept it. She still wanted to see me on Sunday if I was up for it, but because she had so many things to take care of before she left on Monday morning, she’d only have maybe an hour or two to see me. When I picked her up, she invited me in to see her apartment (which was a mess since she was packing for her trip). We kissed and went to a nice restaurant. She said she would be coming back for sure in three months. Since we were not yet a couple, I would not expect her to pass up on this business opportunity because of me. As I was leaving, Eva asked me to call her in Florida. I said, “Yes, but you can also call me.” Now this is where I think I made a mistake, but the words just came out. Was what I said anti-Challenge? I also told Eva that I’d love to take her out again once she came back, and she said she couldn’t wait to come back. My question is this: how can I maintain Challenge with Eva for three months while she is far away? I really like her and feel she and I could have a future together, so I definitely want to date her once she gets back from Florida. But if I don’t call her, I fear that she won’t want to see me once she comes back. I don’t want to seem to her that I have no interest in her at all, but at the same time, I want to be a Challenge. Is it possible to push Challenge too far? It would seem like a gentlemanly thing to do to

call her once in a while, right? I don’t want to give the store away, but I’m not sure how to proceed with the phone. I already mentioned to her that I don’t text, since texting does nothing but decrease Challenge. I consider this not a longdistance relationship, since we are not a couple yet, but once Eva comes back, I’d love to see where things could go with her. Giovanni — who is confused about the phone

Doc Love's Response Hi Giovanni, Regarding your age difference with Eva, I’d prefer it if the numbers were reversed: In other words, if you were 36 and she was 30. Because women always have the advantage in romantic relationships. Eva has 10 years’ lead time on you emotionally. So theoretically, she’s really 46 years old and you’re still 30. It’s great that you piqued Eva’s interest by talking with other girls at the party. You created Challenge and she gave you her number. That’s the way you’re supposed to do it. Great job, pal. But then you immediately undermined your accomplishment by hanging around her all night. To you Psych majors, when you get the number, you disappear. At that point, you don’t make yourself overly familiar. It’s a mistake and you’re rushing things, like most guys. Instead you should let it be. Let some mystery develop. You got her number, so get out of there and wait a week to call her. Then you made another blunder and made out with Eva after going bar-hopping with her. Again, you couldn’t wait to plunge in. What’s the rush, my friend? But you said it felt right and was unavoidable. What a crock. I’ll bet that if I gave you a million bucks you could have avoided it! So Eva has to go to Florida for work. Wow, you got the only broken date in history that was legitimate, dude! But she really didn’t break the date. She just cut down the amount of time you were going to spend together. But if you and she were in a rush to have a good time together, why did you have to look at her apartment? Weren’t you wasting precious time by doing that? And you shouldn’t have kissed. Gosh, Giovanni, you’re trying tomurder Challenge, aren’t you? It’s wise that Eva took her business opportunity in Florida. But you're notgoing to be talking to her when she's down there for three months! Most guys would. They’d be ringing her up once a week after just one date — which is all you’ve had with Eva and it was a short one to boot. No, you’re going to tell her to give you a ring when she

gets back into town, then you’re going to disappear for 90 days. She’s not your girlfriend or fiancé. You’re not going to be talking to her regularly and trying to build a relationship by long distance on top of one measly date. When you told Eva that she could call you, it was a big mistake, another attempt by you to slay Challenge. You should have said “When you come back from Florida, we’ll go out” — and that’s it. Yes, what you said was anti-Challenge. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You killed it, boy.” And you don’t tell a girl what you’d love to do. You had one date with her and you’re already blabbing to her what you’d love to do with her in the future. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Too much mush.” What you have to do for the next three months is be the Ultimate Challenge to Eva: You’re going to have no contact with her whatsoever. No other guy in your position would do that. Every other guy, after just one date with Eva, would be champing at the bit to communicate with her on a weekly basis. You’re going to be different, Giovanni. You can’t know anything about a future with Eva, so you shouldn’t even be thinking about it. You’ve had one date with her, guy. How can you think about a future with a woman after one date? And a two-hour, rushed lunch date, at that? If Eva doesn’t want to see you when you get back, that’s just the chance you’ll have to take. Like I said, any other guy would call Eva — but you’re not. Your interest is simple — you tell her to call you when you get back. That’s all she gets. Yes, it’s possible to push Challenge too far, but not in this case — because you’ve got only one date in with this girl. And this has nothing to do with manners and class and being gentlemanly. We’re talking about romantic love and Challenge here. If you call Eva once a week for three months, you will be giving the store away. But at least you told her you wouldn’t text. Good for you. So you’re going to wait for Eva to get in touch when she gets back. Remember, guys: after one date you’re nowhere with a girl.

Dealing With Mixed Signals Hey Doc, I’m a student of your principles, and I’ve ordered your book and have studied all of your columns on AskMen. Here’s my situation: I met Ginger online and thought she was good material for a potential relationship. We talked extensively on the phone and the attraction was

mutual. She is the most ideal Flexible Giver that I’ve ever met. We went on a first lunch date which was very pleasant, and extremely light and funny, and she showed clear signs that she wanted to meet again. Afterwards we talked on the phone more and felt even more compatible. We moved on to dinner dates and she was the one who initiated hand contact and gave me quite a few tight hugs when we were saying goodbye. No kissing though. The whole experience was quite overwhelming compared to all the other dates I’ve had over the past year. Anyway, after our last date she suddenly made the remark that she has not dated anyone except for me after her divorce, and that she thought the process of meeting at least a certain number of men was important for her in order to try to figure out what kind of a man she’s really looking for. Openly suggesting what she was intending to do right after very passionate dates and phone calls caught me off guard and I felt a little disturbed. We ended the conversation with mixed feelings. The next day Ginger called me, wanting to talk about the issue and how she did not want to hurt me. I tried to apply your principles and said, of course, date other guys, you should, and I will date other girls, then whatever time brings, it brings, right? We had another very passionate date a week later and I thought things were back on track. Then, a couple of days later she sent me a text message explaining how she bought this special crystal that supposedly helps a person to clear her thinking. She started being more formal in her communications with me. A couple days later she asked me if we could talk. She said she was totally confused, and that even though she thought she was ready for new love, she now feels that she has to settle some things in her head before she’s ready for any relationship. Now she doesn’t even want to date anyone for the time being, meaning me, and she thinks we shouldn’t talk for a while. Doc, should I move on or is there still some potential here? I hate to see this go down the drain, especially after a year of dating quite a few women and finally finding what I thought was the one. Ginger is a Libra, if this means anything, which means she’s indecisive, even though she claims that she knows what path she has to take now, which is to not get involved in any relationship. Collin — who is an incompatible Cancer

Doc Love's Response Hi Collin, Your first massive, massive mistake was talking extensively on the phone to Ginger. For someone who’s read all of my columns, you really screwed up here. The phone is to get the date. Texting is for getting the date. Emailing is for getting the date. Only. None of them are for communicating in any other area. You must have face-toface meetings with the girl so that you can read her body language, otherwise you have an incomplete and false notion of what’s really going on. Then, after your dates with Ginger, you were back on the phone with her, absolutely murdering Challenge. To you Psych majors, the entire idea of Challenge is to let the girl wonder about the next date and how it’s going to turn out. And she’s going to wonder about it more when you’re not constantly on the phone talking with her and interfering with the mystery between dates. How do you know Ginger is a Flexible Giver? Collin, you don’t even know this girl! And you’re supposed to kiss the girl on the second date. If she doesn’t kiss you on the second date, she’s out. You say that you were overwhelmed by your dates with Ginger, but was she? You’re only talking about your feelings. What about hers? Then Ginger tells you that she needs to date other men so that she’ll know what she’s looking for. Hey, that’s really nice! You’re out on a date with her and she tells you that she wants to go out with the U.S. Army! You really have a classy girl here, Collin! You really read her right! Of course you felt disturbed at this revelation, but then again, you’re not going by “The System.” The two of you didn’t end the conversation with mixed feelings. Only you had mixed feelings. Her feelings are very consistent. And what this means is that you’re finished. Like my cousin General Love says, “When a girl tells you to your face that she wants to date a division of the armed forces, you’re history.” Then she calls and says she doesn’t want to hurt you. The reason she thinks she’s hurting you is because you act hurt. Why are you showing your feelings to this girl? But you thought things were back on track because the next date was passionate. Guy, you’re looking at the wrong thing here. You shouldn’t be looking at the passionate part, you should be looking at the part where she wants to go out with 10 other guys! Hey, Collin, here’s some breaking news — this girl doesn’t respect you at all! The reason Ginger’s communication is more formal now is because her Interest Level is dropping. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When she

starts calling you Mister, you’re in real trouble.” For a guy who’s read all of my columns, Collin, nothing’s sunk in! Saying that she has to settle some things in her head before she can have a relationship is the biggest con women have run on men since Eve told Adam to bite the apple. And now she doesn’t even want to talk to you. Man, you have this girl mixed up with someone who cares! What you have to do is memorize my book and throw this girl’s phone number away. She liked you at first, but you butchered Challenge with the telephone, and now you’re paying the price. This thing isn’t down the drain, pal, it was flushed out to the ocean a long time ago. You might have thought Ginger was the one, but she didn’t think you were the one. So you’ve got it all backwards. The man’s interest doesn’t mean anything. And her being a Libra doesn’t mean a thing either. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You should have told her you were a Libertarian and confused her a little.” Collin, anybody who talks about what path to follow and looks into crystals for advice about their love life is a whack job. Remember, guys: the most important factor in a relationship is the woman’s Interest Level, not yours.

Dating Tricks Hey Doc, I’m a new reader, and let me say your stuff is great! I’ve just recently gone through a divorce after being happily married. Long story short, she was unfaithful — the end. Moving forward, I’m learning a lot about myself, and I’ve realized that I’m not as wonderful as I thought I was. Going to therapy once a week has forced me to realize a few things: 1. I can’t show affection towards a woman, out of fear of being rejected. 2. How damn emotionally needy I am. 3. When getting to know a woman, I have to prove myself worthy by verbally throwing up on her. Anyway, I’ve now met what seems to be a really genuine lady, Summer. Well, they all seem that way at first, don’t they? She has a great job, owns two homes, and just seems to have her stuff together. We’ve hung out frequently for the past two weeks. Our dates have been really fun, andwe’ve shared paying for them. She’s made it very clear from the beginning that she was not going to get physically romantic with me right away. Either she’s with someone else or she’s truly not an easy lady. Our communication has been 50/50 between one another, and it seems to be moving forward slowly. We’ve kissed passionately, but that’s all. She's done a great job of

not teasing me and has kept her cool. Of course, all this has gotten me crazy! During one of our make-out sessions, I made it clear that if she views me as a friend or has someone on the side, to please be truthful and not waste my time. She replied “Absolutely not. I want to see you.” Okay. I’ve read “The System,” and it all sounds great. However, if it’s not who I really am, then isn’t following it just playing a game? If I’m genuine and truthful with myself, and that scares a woman off, then I guess she wasn’t the right one. The right one will respond the right way. If “The System” isn’t who I am, then playing the game would be tricking someone into liking me, and sooner or later you just have to be yourself, right? Why not be yourself, and run off all of the women but the right one? Am I totally off-base here? Spencer — who wants her to know how he feels

Doc Love's Response Hi Spencer, The real story is that women become unfaithful because they’ve fallen out of love. And the reason they’re out of love is because you’ve turned her off by doing all the wrong things. Now let’s add to what you’ve learned about yourself. 1. You’re supposed to let the woman start showing affection — then you follow her lead. If she starts showing affection, you’re not going to get rejected. 2. It’s okay to be needy, but whatever you do, don’t verbalize your neediness. If you didn’t act on your neediness verbally, she wouldn’t know that you’re needy. Simple as that. 3. Verbally throwing up on a woman is the opposite of working Challenge. Challenge demands that you keep your mouth shut about your negatives. When Summer said that she wasn’t going to get physically romantic with you, you should have said “Yeah! That’s exactly what I want too! We have so much in common.” You say that she might be with someone else or isn’t easy, but you’re forgetting the most likely scenario: she has low Interest Level in you. You say that Summer is keeping her cool with you. To you Psych majors, when a woman has low Interest Level, she easily keeps her cool. Or like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When a chick is really wild over you, she can’t keep her cool.”

Then you told her that if she sees you as just a friend or has someone on the side, to just tell you the truth about it. Guy, can you think of a better way to put yourself down in front of a woman? And now you think that following “The System” is just playing a game. But here’s where you’re not thinking straight, Spencer, and it’s your main problem and the problem that all men have: since men are homo sapiens, they want to treat women as men. And that’s what you want to do. When you start doing things differently because she’s a woman, you’re not playing a game, you’re doing simply what she likes — which is something that wouldn’t work with a guy. Dude, you can always be yourself. But just don’t verbalize it to her. It’s not a matter of the “right” woman responding the right way. If you do the right things, she’ll be the right one. She’ll follow you because she’ll have high Interest Level. “The System” is going to be who you are. Because you’re going to start treating women as women, and when you do that instead of treating them like men, you’re going to be more successful in your relationships. And you’re not tricking a woman into liking you by following my techniques. You’re treating her like a female, not a male. You’re tricking yourself when you try to treat a woman like a man and expect her to put up with all your negatives like a guy would. A romantic relationship is conditional. Your friendship with a guy is unconditional because he’s your buddy. When you say “be yourself,” what you’re really saying is that you want to treat the woman like a man. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Yes, Spencer, you’re totally off-base. What you don’t grasp is that you have to treat women differently. When you talk to a priest, or a CIA agent, or a cop, you change your personality and approach with each one of them. But you don’t say you’re not being yourself, do you? Remember, guys: she’s a woman, not a man.

Avoiding Rejection Hey Doc, I haven’t read any of your books, but I have read a few of your articles on AskMen. I’m 45 and I met Chandra, 41, online. She has been in a few relationships since her divorce. We started talking on the phone after a few emails and graduated to talking on the phone every night. We talked for hours, about everything and nothing at the same time. I thought we were looking for the same things.

After four weeks of talking we met at a coffee shop. She had what I was looking for: she’s athletic, down to earth, smart, and caring. The feelings I had talking with her for a month instantly connected with my physical attraction. My comfort level with this woman was high. We ended up going back to her place, where nothing happened but a little teenage make-out session. The first clue that she wasn’t into me was that she thought my kissing was “different.” I was embarrassed that she didn’t like my technique. I thought I totally blew it. To my surprise, she called me the next day. I went back to her place and we spent the afternoon together. She even made dinner for me. When I left, I was a little disappointed that she didn’t ask me to stay the night. I wasn’t looking to get intimate, but to just be together. The following night Chandra told me that she’s been so independent for so long that having someone want to be with her so much was new to her. I said, "Why waste time?" I wanted to build a relationship/history with this person. We saw each other often for the next week or so. We talked about spending the holidays with each other’s families and a future trip together. This made me think that Chandra could see a future together. Then I saw something that shocked me: Someone texted her and asked if she missed him. I looked at her phone and read the history of their texts. She was chatting with and seeing him the whole time we were talking! She even got together with him the night before we met for the first time. This was devastating to me. From the texts, I could see that she was really into him. They had an intimate relationship where she wanted more, but he didn’t. Now I get that we weren’t seeing each other at this point and had no commitment to one another, but I still felt betrayed. As the days went on she got more secretive with her phone. The final straw was one evening when we were watching a movie. During the first 10 minutes she texted and listened to her voicemails and totally ignored me. I finally asked her who she was talking to. She said it was a client who needed an appointment. Of course I didn’t buy it. I got physically ill knowing that everything was falling apart. The next morning we parted ways. It’s been a week since I’ve seen Chandra. I got a text from her but didn’t respond and she hasn’t contacted me since. I know we were just dating, but I feel like I connected with her. I told her how I felt even before I saw the texts from that other man. As you can see, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I want to be in a fulfilling adult relationship. Doc, should I contact Chandra or just force myself to let her go? Should I confront her about what I saw?

Hack — who is looking for closure

Doc Love's Response Hi Hack, The phone is to get the date, not for talking! What you did was put in all kinds of time in with Chandra without seeing her, and you had no idea how she was reacting to you physically. You can’t see her body language when you’re merely on the phone with her, and body language is over 50% of the relationship. So straight out of the chute, you were already losing the game. You waited four weeks to get together with Chandra? Why not make it four years? Gee, what’s the rush, guy? Then, when you finally met her, you were bowled over. It’s amazing to me that you don’t talk at all about Chandra’sInterest Level. Obviously you haven’t memorized my materials. The most important factor in a relationship is the woman's Interest Level in you. But all you’re talking about is your feelings. The problem is that your feelings don’t count. All that counts is her feelings towards you. So you have everything backwards, Hack. After you read a few of my columns, you should have ordered “The System” immediately, but sadly, you didn’t realize how much you don’t know. Another mistake you made was going back to Chandra’s house on your first date. You don’t go back to her house because she’s not your girlfriend. And you don’t kiss her on the first date, you kiss her on the second date. You’re absolutely butchering my techniques, Hack! It didn’t matter if your kissing was different. You weren’t a good kisser to Chandra because she had low Interest Level in you. To you Psych majors, if she’s wild about you, you’re a good kisser — it’s that simple. You just wanted to be together with Chandra instead of getting intimate? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You sound like a 12-year-old.” What are you looking for, your mommy? When Chandra told you that your overwhelming desire to be with her was new to her, it meant her interest was sinking like a rock in the sea. You might want to build a history with her, but you never looked at her Interest Level in you. All you’re going by is your feelings towards her. But you talked about a future trip together. Where are you going, to Mars on Virgin Airlines? Dude, you have no concept whatsoever

of playing it cool or not rushing in. And you read some of my columns on AskMen? It’s stupefying. Chandra never said she wanted a future with you. You said it and she just looked at you. Why were you shocked about the other guy? Chandra’s not your girlfriend. And by the way, you should have been going out with three other women besides Chandra until she asked you to be her boyfriend. Why were you devastated that a woman you’ve been out with only a couple of times is being hustled by someone else? And you’re 45 years old? My friend, you are very naive. How could you feel betrayed if you and Chandra had no commitment to each other? Again, she wasn't your girlfriend. She never said she wanted to see you exclusively. She never even said she liked you! There was nothing there, Hack. Again, like most men, you were flying by your own Interest Level. Now let me get this straight. After you discovered that Chandra was seeing another guy, you still hung around her? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You ain’t only dumb, you’re a glutton for punishment, too!” Nothing fell apart, man, because you had nothing to begin with. So you and Chandra didn’t part ways because you never were an item. You were just someone to talk to on the phone and hang out with while her real love interest decided what to do. There was nothing romantic coming from Chandra towards you in any area — ever. Again, you weren’t dating. You were just wasting lots of hours with Ma Bell. Do you think that wearing your heart on your sleeve is how to behave in a relationship at 45 years old? And again, it’s not what you want, it’s what Chandra wants. That’s what you don’t seem to get. Hack, you don’t know how to approach or handle an adult relationship. And you don’t know how to keep it, and that’s why you don’t have one. So there’s nothing let go of. You’re not holding onto anything but a lot of air. Remember, Chandra digs the other guy — not you. Do you think it bothers her that you found out about him? The only person it bothers is you, because like most men, you rushed into rejection. Remember, guys: only the woman’s Interest Level counts, not yours.

She Makes The First Move Hey Doc,

I have a question for you. Normally I wouldn’t even ask, but I don’t have a clue with this woman. And — not to be cocky — normally I have enough “people knowledge” to figure it all out myself, but this was a new one on me. Last Sunday I went alone to a lounge café to drink some wine and relax after a long day of work. I planted myself on a chair in front of the bar, I talked a bit with the owner, who I know, and when he served my third drink, he said it was from a single beautiful girl. I was baffled. A few minutes later she came out of the restroom and sat closely next to me. And yes, she was gorgeous. I couldn’t believe my luck. We talked a bit and out of nowhere she grabbed my arm and said “You’re my husband tonight.” I looked around. At the bar there were no ex-boyfriends, just a few 80-year-old men. (I always look around to make sure there are no jealous ex-boyfriends lurking in the shadows.) I was stunned, but also a little bit high, and I said “OK, why not.” We talked and I found out that Beverly was 29 years old going on 30 later this year. (I’m 24, by the way). We laughed and talked, and I took her out on the floor for a slow dance. We talked more, and drank more, and when another guy sat at the bar she proudly announced to him that I was her husband of many years. Now here’s the wrinkle. At midnight I left the café with no woman, no number, no nothing. Now I didn’t ask Beverly for her number, but I have to wonder why an older, single woman who was a complete stranger just said to me that she wanted me to be her husband. Maybe she was on drugs or a psycho, but she seemed too sweet and normal to be either. So Doc, what happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? Did she want me to ask for her number, or kiss her, or challenge her and give her affection, or was she just bored? Quick — who was slow on the draw

Doc Love's Response Hi Quick, If you would allow me to train you, you would have all women figured out. Because women are consistently like women and not like men. That’s what “The System” teaches you. Among many, many other things that you obviously don’t know. When Beverly whispered “You are my husband tonight,” you should have said “Before we think about marriage, I should have your phone number.” Then, when you were out dancing with her, you should have asked her where she was from, what she

did for a living, how long she’s been in town, etc. In other words, you should have conducted a soft interview to get a feel for where she was coming from by how open and honest she was with her answers to these probing questions. But you did nothing. My friend, the biggest mistake of your life was leaving that café with no woman, no number, no nothing. To you Psych majors, you have to ask for the phone number. Dude, why in the world wouldn’t you ask for the phone number when a woman asks you to be her husband for the evening? You have to ask yourself this question, Quick: Why didn’t you ask for Beverly’s phone number after she came on to you so strongly? How did you think you were going to see her later on if you didn’t have her phone number? Did you expect to just run into her on the street? Did you expect her to show up at your front door? This is the equivalent of being in the first grade in “The System.” Asking for the phone number is basic. You want to know why a beautiful woman would ask you to be her husband. The answer is that you don’t know — which is why you gently probe, get her phone number, then take her out and find out later. Meanwhile, you enjoy her for what she is — a good-looking woman who happened to hustle you, and that’s a very good start. You want to think that maybe Beverly was on drugs or a psycho case, but maybe she was just being cute and funny that night because she had too much Gallo wine to drink and she was just playing with you, and there’s no more to it than that. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill here, boy!” Maybe telling you that you were her husband for the evening was just a way for Beverly to be verbally affectionate with you in order to get the ball rolling, drink wine with you, and dance with you. It’s that simple. But again, you didn’t ask for her phone number, so you don’t know anything for certain. What happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? To have a good time with you that night by dancing and drinking with you, and to be sweet and nice to you, but you dropped the ball because you were so flustered trying to figure out what was going on rather than just saying to yourself “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth — get her number!” What did Beverly want from you? She wanted you to ask her for her phone number. She didn’t want you to kiss her. She didn’t want you to Challenge her or give her affection. And she wasn’t bored. She liked you, guy, but you didn’t close the deal. In other words, you didn’t ask for the order – i.e., “What’s your phone number?” Remember, guys: When a woman comes on to you, you have to ask for her phone number.

Finding The Right Girl Hey Doc, My first wrong move is that I don’t own your book. I’ve only recently come across your columns on AskMen and I realize that if I’d had your book, things would be different right now. I dated my fiancée for nine years before we decided to get engaged. This girl is a 10 on the looks scale, but we had very little in common. Recently I graduated from law school and due to the terrible job market had to start my own practice. In order to have money while I get my practice off the ground, I got a job waiting tables. After a few months at the restaurant I started texting Holly, who was working as a waitress there. I’d long had a wandering eye from my fiancée, because, like I said, our relationship was based more on looks than mutual interests. Then Holly started dating one of the other guys at our restaurant. That lasted six weeks. Afterwards, one of the managers tried to move in on her, which caused her to quit, and then she started working at another restaurant in the same chain. Meanwhile, things with my fiancée were deteriorating. My interest in her was in the 20s and dropping. Holly and I met at a bar for drinks one night after work and it was electric. We always knew there was a mutual attraction, but now we both felt it. There’s another point worth noting here. I’m 33, Holly is 19. After that night out, I set up a date for the following Sunday. It was great. Not as good as the first night, but still great. Holly later told me that the above-mentioned guy who she dated for six weeks found out about our night at the bar and started calling her “the other woman” and a “home-wrecker.” About that time I decided to move out of my house, away from my now ex-fiancée. I also told Holly how much I liked her. I even sent her a poem I wrote, which she said she loved. But after all that, she started blowing me off for dates or other attempts to nail down a time to do something together. Last week, after we hadn’t communicated for four days or so, Holly sent me a text saying that I was everything she wanted in a guy, but that she was a mean person, screwed up in the head, that she pushes away every guy she’s ever been with, that she’s incapable of holding a steady relationship, and that she didn’t want to be with me because she’d crush me in the end. I deciphered that code right away: She was dating someone else. Looking back, she probably had been all along. Doc, I’ve made every mistake in your book. I know that your response to this scenario will be “you blew it” and start hustling new girls, but I genuinely want to know

what you think my chances are of re-igniting things down the road with Holly if I do the disappearing act. DeMarius — who still feels like something’s there

Doc Love's Response Hi DeMarius, Every guy who buys my book tells me “I should have gotten it sooner!” I notice that you still haven’t gotten it, with all the troubles you have on your hands. What are you waiting for, pal? You say you didn’t have a lot in common with your fiancée. To you Psych majors, you don’t have to have a lot in common with a woman in order to have a successful relationship. What you do have to have is confidence, control and Challenge, and a woman who is a Flexible Giver and has integrity. That’s what you go for — the value system, not commonality. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Pamela Anderson had lots of stuff in common with all of her husbands.” Now let me get this straight. You’re engaged to someone and now you’re texting a waitress? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Where’s your loyalty, boy?” You say that your interest in your fiancée was dropping. It doesn’t matter what your Interest Level is. What was hers? Because the woman’s Interest Level is the only thing that matters. But you don’t have my book, so you’re not aware of that essential principle. But hey, what’s the rush, right? Now you tell me that you’re in your mid-30s and Holly is still a teenager. Guy, most 19-year-olds think men over 24 are old. Your second date with Holly wasn’t as spectacular as the first because her interest was plunging because she’s a baby and has no clue what she wants out of life. But again, you don’t know how to handle a teenage girl because you don’t have my book to guide you and alert you to the pitfalls. So, after going out with you, Holly was being called a home-wrecker. I wonder who told her ex about your dates? I’ll you tell you who it was — Holly herself! This girl has a big mouth! Why is she talking to another guy about her relationship with you? Yeah, this waitress is a real keeper, all right!

And you’re a blabbermouth too, DeMarius. You’re not supposed to tell a girl how much you dig her. And you don’t send her poems either. She gets poems after she’s your girlfriend and you’ve been going with her for three or four months. When Holly started breaking dates, it meant you were out. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Your little fling with a 19-year-old lasted all of 10 minutes.” When she started telling you everything that was wrong with her, she was just rationalizing for her low Interest Level in you. What happened was that you turned her off, but she placed the onus of guilt onto herself. So actually it wasn’t her who screwed up, it was you. Of course she’s dating someone else — because she’s not interested in you! Your disappearing act comes way too late, dude. Now you’re out with both your fiancée and Holly and the chances are one in a million for reigniting anything with either of them. Finally, you shouldn’t even be hustling new girls because you haven’t memorized my materials. When you go after new babes, you’re going to make a fool of yourself like you did with your fiancée and the 19-year-old. Remember, guys: when you’re out, you’re out.

Living A Fantasy Hey Doc, Over the past few years I’ve read a number of your columns, and now I have a question of my own. If you could give me any insight into this situation, I would deeply appreciate it. When I was in college I fell head-over-heels in love with Marilyn. I had several girlfriends before her, but I felt like she was the one. We were best friends, but we did not date because at first she was not attracted to me. By the time we both developed the same feelings for one another, I messed up and broke her heart the day after she agreed to go out with me. Then she got into a relationship with another guy who had been chasing her all year long. We did not speak to one another for six years. Six years have passed, and recently we began talking again because we both live in the same city. She says she has forgiven me, and apologized for her part in the heartbreak. She also admitted to all the feelings she had for me. After we finally decided to meet in person and I asked whether she was single, she revealed that she was still with the guy she rebounded to six years ago, but that she is not happy and has discovered he may have been unfaithful to her for years. By the way, I’d been dating another girl, Susan, for only a month when Marilyn and I decided to meet up again.

Two months have passed and Marilyn is still with her boyfriend, though it seems like the relationship is falling apart even more, and I am still with Susan. I told Susan about Marilyn, and said that she shouldn’t have to deal with this while I figure things out, but Susan was willing to stick with me regardless. My feelings for Marilyn have not changed. She is my first love, and possibly my true love. In the years since college I have certainly been able to attract and date many other desirable women, but none of them have made me feel the same way. Even though we get along and have a great time together, Susan does not make me feel this way, either. Marilyn has given me some buying signals during our in-person meetings. She has held my hands, let me hold hers, and even kissed me on the cheek. We teared up a little while apologizing to one another during our first meeting. There are a lot of real and strong emotions between the two of us that we never expected to have to navigate again. Should I just ask Marilyn directly how she feels about me and tell her how I feel, despite her boyfriend? Or is my best move to keep doing my own thing, give Susan a chance, and wait and see what happens? An older man’s coaching would certainly be appreciated. Faried — who is torn and an idiot

Doc Love's Response Hi Faried, Now let me get this straight. You didn’t date Marilyn because she wasn’t attracted to you? Dude, this means you’re out forever. To you Psych majors, when a woman isn’t attracted to you, it means she’s not interested in you. Which in turn means you have no future with her. To Marilyn you were never anything but a friend. But you don’t understand the consequences of being stranded in the friend zone because you haven’t memorized my book. How could you break Marilyn’s heart when she agreed to go out with you just one time? It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Faried, you’re in a fantasy world here. This woman was never attracted to you from the beginning. And she’s been with another guy for six years. How can you expect to go against that? The answer is that you can’t. You have nothing whatsoever established with Marilyn. All you ever had with her was one broken date. And anyway, like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Her real

interest was always in the other guy.” You’re hoping now that somehow Marilyn is going to rebound to you but I’ve got news for you — it’s not going to happen. Now you’re talking to Susan about Marilyn. A huge blunder, Faried. You shouldn’t be talking to your girlfriend about your feelings for another woman. You’re fixated on Marilyn because you never got over the fact that she rejected you years ago. Let me ask you a question. If Susan doesn’t make you feel like Marilyn does, why are you with her? Marilyn’s not really giving you any buying signals. She’s just using you as her psychiatrist to talk about her relationship with the guy she’s really in love with. So this is nothing but more fantasy on your part. She already told you that she’s not attracted to you, didn’t she? When did she ever tell you that she was attracted to you? Never, that’s when. And that’s a very bad sign. This thing about navigating emotions with Marilyn is nothing but more make-believe. You’re the one with strong emotions and Marilyn has zeroemotions. Think about it: she didn’t contact you for six whole years and she’s been in the arms of another man all that time. Does that say that she cares about you? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You’re in love with a fantasy.” And you’re completely out of touch with reality and life, my friend. No, don’t ask Marilyn anything, guy. It’s a waste of time because she doesn’t dig you. And it’s also a waste of time to stick with Susan. You’re in love with Marilyn but she’s in love with the guy she’s been with for six years. You can’t beat six years. As far as Susan is concerned, drop her. You’re wasting her time and your time. And you never liked her to begin with. Remember, guys: unless you memorize “The System,” you’re going to get yourself into trouble.

She Needs Space Hey Doc, I recently purchased “The System” and am a rather astute learner. However, when buying into your methods I was already on the way out with my girlfriend. I didn’t feel it until I began facing the realities of your book, but boy do I feel it now. Marina and I have been dating for nearly two years. I was methodical and deliberate in my advances, and soon had her interest in the 90s. I had a busy schedule, which contributed to the appearance of Challenge. Even though I graduated from college a year ago and live at a distance from Marina, we’ve made it work. She generally gives me the “I’m hooked” eyes that have

indicated her interest is very high. Recently I made the career decision to move closer to Marina’s area for work. I asked her if it’d be okay to sleep at her house on the Murphy bed a few nights a week while I got settled, and she agreed. I was more or less stuck at her house, but why wouldn’t I want to stay if it seemed like we were having such a great time together? During a snowstorm one night, she decided that she was going to her friend’s house to spend the night, leaving me to go and stay with a friend of mine. I believe this was an indication that Marina’s interest was dropping. She wouldn’t have done it if it still was in the 90s. I was naturally angry the next day, which was Valentine’s Day, but quickly shook it off and gave her the usual treatment of flowers and a gift. We had plans to go to dinner when she became very flaky. She said she felt stuck now that I was staying at her house all the time and feeling “overwhelmed” with balancing everything in her life. Uh oh, here it comes. She didn’t want to go to dinner and said she needed space. I tried to talk to her about it, then left. Three days later I went back to get my computer. She still wasn’t ready for me, though she seemed loving and affectionate. We kissed and I left. A week later she invited me to dinner and we began talking. When the idea of “us” came up, she got a bit strange, and I quickly turned the date to the positive, making her laugh, and letting her do all the talking. But when we were parting, she said she still feels “overwhelmed,” but she initiated a kiss. I’m leaving out details about her gearing up to graduate from college and having a lot on her plate. Nonetheless, I know that her Interest Level was dropping, otherwise she wouldn’t act this way. Doc, is it time to move on? Has Marina’s Interest Level guttered? Or does a woman sometimes really need space even when dealing with a man she still has high interest in? Where do I stand? Am I abandoning ship by thinking I need to move on right now even if we haven’t formally broken it off? Carmelo — who doesn’t want to get dumped

Doc Love's Response Hi Carmelo, It’s great that you’re an astute learner. But now you have to memorize my book and vigilantly practice my principles.

But here’s the problem with Marina. When you started my book you were already on the way out. Sadly, this is where most guys are when they come to me. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “They call the fire department when the house is already burned to the ground.” They don’t call me when the problem is just starting and the issues are still small and manageable. They get my book when the woman’s Interest Level isn’t dropping only a few points, they do it when it’s going south for 50 points. That said, it was good that you at least presented the appearance of Challenge. To you Psych majors, when you’re busy, you’ll stay away from her instead of smothering her. I hope that when you made the decision to move to Marina’s area that you told her it was for the job and not her. Nevertheless, it was a huge, huge, huge mistake to tell her that you wanted to stay with her while you moved. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “You should have stayed at a Motel 6 for $39 a night.” Instead of staying stuck at her house, you should have gotten out, dude. You might have been having a great time with her, but she wasn’t having such a great time with you. When Marina decided to go and spend the night at her friend’s house during that blizzard, right there you were out. It’s good that you recognized that her interest was dropping, but as I said earlier, it’s best to buy “The System” before you’re having troubles with her. All you guys can get women to fall in love with you, but most of you don’t know how to keep them in love with you, and that’s the problem. Now let me get this straight. You showered flowers and a gift on a woman who doesn’t want to stay in the same house with you? Hey man, that’s smart! Carmelo, when a woman even utters the word “space,” you’re lucky if her Interest Level is 51%. Very, very lucky. When Marina initiated a kiss, she was really just kissing you off. Let me explain something to you, my friend. A lot of stuff on a woman’s plate cannot lower her Interest Level in you. Only you can lower her Interest Level in you. Is it time to move on? Yes. Is Marina’s interest in the gutter? Yes. Does a woman sometimes need space even if she has high interest? Impossible — it’s an oxymoron. Where do you stand now? Out! Don’t fret over abandoning ship. Like my cousin General Love says, “The ship is already on the floor of the ocean.” And Marina is being formal. She said the word “space” and she wanted to go and stay at her friend’s house. That’s as formal as it gets. Remember, guys: Every guy who’s bought “The System” says he should have gotten it sooner.

Saving Your Relationship Hey Doc, I live in Australia but still managed to discover “The System.” It’s opened my eyes to every past mistake I’ve ever made with women throughout my entire life. I call myself the biggest Wimpus australianus on earth. Your book has completely changed my life in just the three days that I’ve been reading it. Here’s my problem. I got engaged to an absolutely amazing woman, Shaya, before I found “The System.” We’ve been engaged a little over a year, but her Interest Level has steadily dropped during the past three years we’ve been dating and is now sitting at an alarming 51%. We live together in a small house while we are currently building our own home. Also, her son lives with us (he was 2 when we started dating and he calls me Dad). What I am struggling with at the moment is trying to create Challenge while Shaya and I are practically living on top of each other. We definitely see too much of each other and I realize now exactly how I managed to drag her Interest Level down to that precarious 51%. But how can we start again? How can I push her interest back up to 90%, which was where it was when we first met? Is it even possible? Going by your book, as long as her Interest Level isn’t at 49% I’ve still got a chance. Shaya still shows many good traits. She’s never late, she has her life organized, and she’s a Giver, though not as much now as she used to be. Shaya is definitely someone I want to spend my life with, which is the reason I proposed to her. Your books, articles, and radio show seem to be focused on dating from scratch, but I was hoping for some sort of plan that an engaged or married man can follow to rescue a sinking ship. Please coach me! Murph — who is engaged but needs a savior

Doc Love's Response Hi Murph, Thanks for writing. I always hear from guys who buy my book that their biggest regret was not getting it sooner. You’re no different, my friend.

For those of you who don’t have “The System,” what you mean when you call yourself the biggest Wimpus australianus on earth is that you are practically the only guy in Australia born without a backbone and the ability to ever say no to a woman. Murph, the way you are going to create Challenge with Shaya is this: You’re going to keep your mouth shut. That means you’re not going to blab about all your insecurities and fears. When anything comes out of your mouth, it’s going to be funny and light. There will be no heavy conversations of any kind. And you’re not going to touch Shaya — she will have to touch you if she wants contact. Also, you’re not going to be showering her with compliments. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “In other words, you have to treat her like she was your sister.” And you’re going to continue treating her like your sister until she comes around. Let me explain something to you. If you do the opposite of what you did to drag Shaya’s Interest Level down to 51%, that’s exactly how you are going to drag it back up. And yes, you can most certainly start over again if her Interest Level is indeed no lower than 51%. But like I said earlier, you’ll have to keep your trap shut and let Shaya initiate affection and romance, and you will have to let her come to you. When she enters the room, let her approach you. Let her kick off all of your conversations. You just sit back and wait. Again, if Shaya’s interest is 51%, it’s definitely possible to get it back up into the 90s. But here’s what I find most disturbing, Murph. My book includes a maintenance program, which is one of the most important and profound parts of “The System.” So I have to assume that you skipped over that section for some mysterious reason. To you Psych majors, the principles that got her in the first place are the principles that are going to keep her. Once you get married and are living under the same roof, the way you keep Challenge alive is by not coming on to her verbally or any other way. And again, make her initiate — touching, kissing, everything. I know that you’re dying to spend all of your time with Shaya, but you don’t utter a single word about how much she’s dying to spend all of her time with you. You don’t even mention how much she likes you other than that she digs you about 51% of the time. Guy, if you had my book before you met Shaya and you went by the Maintenance Program, you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in right now, that’s for sure. So now you have to go back into the Dating Dictionary, study and memorize the Maintenance Program, and return to the techniques that won Shaya in the first place. Keep it light, keep it funny, no heavy subjects, no negatives, and no put-downs. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If the room is quiet when you’re together, let it be quiet.” Then let Shaya fill the void with her voice.

Remember, guys: If you’re engaged to a woman and you don’t have my materials, you’re headed straight for divorce.

Keep Your Patience Hey Doc, I’m not sure if you read these letters or not, but I wanted to thank you for all the insights thus far. I just purchased “The System” and started reading it last week. So far it’s amazing stuff. I was pursued by the beautiful Stefanie, who was recently divorced. Everything was going great (though after reading your material I feel like a total wimp and a nice “loser” kind of guy) until I lost my patience and told her that I liked her a lot. I think this scared the crap out of her since it was her first relationship out of the divorce, and she ran for the hills. She still wants to “casually” date me, which is a really good thing, now that I have your material! What stinks is that the relationship went from both a very strong mental and physical connection to a casual thing with no physical contact. We’ve had just one casual date since the “downgrade” talk, and it was a little awkward, but we still enjoyed each other, laughed, had good conversation, etc. I walked Stefanie to her car and we hugged, and then I kissed her on the side of the head (because I’m confused and didn’t want to lessen her Interest Level even more) and she said, “It’s all right. You can kiss me.” As a result, I have to assume that she still has a decent Interest Level in me, but she just can’t commit to anything serious right now because of the divorce baggage and having to sort through it. Doc, what do you think Stefanie’s Interest Level is? She still wants to date me casually, or so she says. But is she just trying to be nice and hope that I get the hint and back off completely? I guess I just want to know if I should give up on Stefanie or start working “The System” on her now. Is it too late to work your principles in this situation? Timmy — who is a Wimpus Americanus

Doc Love's Response Hi Timmy,

The biggest mistake you made was telling the beautiful Stefanie that you liked her a lot. To you psych majors, the key to women is patience. Patience is discussed at length in “The System” because it’s such an all-important quality. But you lost your patience, dude, and that’s why you’re in the fix you’re in right now. When you told Stefanie how much you dug her so early in your dating relationship, what happened was that her Interest Level probably dropped from 85% to 65% just from that comment alone. Throw in that she’s coming fresh out of a divorce, and no doubt she doesn’t want to feel any kind of pressure — and your remark generated lots of it. Since she just got out of a pressure-cooker relationship, hearing you lose your patience and start coming on heavy to her was the last thing she needed. Kissing Stefanie on the side of the head was another mistake. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You kiss your grandmother on the side of the head, not your girlfriend.” You should have kissed Stefanie on the mouth. But it is a good sign that she told you that you could kiss her because it demonstrated that she wasn’t completely turned off to you. But if her Interest Level is as low as 51%, you might very well be almost out. Worse, it could be 49% and Stefanie is just wasting your time. This babe could have committed to something if you hadn’t scared her off by telling her how much you fancied her. In which case you could have made her come to you and ask you to commit to her. That’s what “The System” teaches you to do, but you did it backwards, my friend. You didn’t have any patience, and this was the result. What is Stefanie’s Interest Level now? Either 55% or 45%. Given those numbers, this is what I would do: I would call her and ask her out, but not for a Friday or Saturday. After each date, I would wait seven to nine days before calling her for another date. The point is this: You have to create an atmosphere here where Stefanie misses you. So you can’t come at her hard because if her Interest Level is only 49%, nothing is going to happen anyway. But if it’s 51% or 55% or 60%, you have a chance of boosting it back up. The keys are that you have to have a fun date. You can’t talk about your feelings. You have to keep it light and funny. And, again, you never ask her out for Friday or Saturday until she brings it up to you. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she bugs you about seeing you on the weekend, there’s hope.” We don’t know yet if Stefanie is trying to make you back off without coming right out and saying it. Of course you should start working “The System” on her now. What would you be waiting for? And this just shows — like it does for every other guy who got my book — that you should have had it sooner. Then you would have known what to do with Stefanie because there’s a good chance that you’ve already blown it with a good one.

Is it too late to work my principles on Stefanie? It all depends on her Interest Level. Remember, guys: Coming on heavy with a girl in the early stages is never a smart move.

Should I Give My Girlfriend A Second Chance? Hey Doc, I bought your book recently and haven’t started it yet, but I keep hearing great things about it! Jini and I met seven years ago and fell in love at first sight. Because of our situations at the time we didn’t start dating right away. We actually started dating three years ago when she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend of five years. But the truth of the matter was that we were in a love triangle with her alleged ex but I didn’t know it. One day I got sick of it and ended it altogether. Jini and I stopped talking and that was that, or so I thought. My feelings for Jini are very, very strong and I would do anything for her. So six months ago we started talking again. This time there was no ex involved. I am a firm believer in second chances! We are now engaged. But there is one little issue I have. Jini talks to a guy named Bill who she had a past with. They had a one-night stand a couple of years ago and we have gotten into fights over him texting her. It’s not anything romantic between them, but just a simple conversation and on occasion they do hang out and grab a quick lunch or something. My problem is that because of her cheating and the old love triangle, I’m afraid she may cheat again. I tried talking to her and I talked to Bill and they both assure me that it was just one night and that they are just friends and nothing more, and Jini has sworn to me herself that she has zero interest in him. She tells me every time I bring him up that if she wanted to be with him she would, but she says she’s in love with me. We are planning our wedding and Jini has already bought her dress and we have a date set. My question is, how do I overcome the feeling that something will happen between Bill and my fiancée when they hang out? How do I know that Bill won’t make a move on Jini? How do I know she won’t cheat on me when she has a past history of cheating? Dickinson — who can’t seem to rest easy

Doc Love's Response Hi Dickinson, Let me get this straight. You’re asking me a question, but you have my book sitting right next to you unread. What sense does that make? It would help you enormously to memorize my book and ask a question at the same time. One more thing: all of the answers to all of your questions are right there in “The System.” So what are you waiting for? The truth is that Jini lied to you about having gotten rid of her ex when you and she started dating. What does this say to you, Dickinson? It says that she’s dishonest, she’s not trustworthy, and she’s not loyal. So she displayed three traits straight out of the gate that proclaim loudly and clearly that she's no good for you. You didn’t really end this thing with Jini, dude. So of course you broke down and called her — and begged for another shot with her. When you say that you’re a firm believer in second chances, I know you never even opened my book, because “The System” doesn’t believe in second chances. Now as far as Bill is concerned, you don’t know what happened in that relationship. All you can go by is what Jini told you. And since she liedbefore, how do you know that she’s not lying about what she’s doing with this guy? The reason that they hang out and eat lunch all the time is because he wants her back. Why are you rationalizing for her? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Are you oblivious, my son?” Of course you’re afraid that Jini’s going to cheat again because she did it before. This is the smartest thing you’ve said so far, pal! But according to you, both Bill and Jini assure you that it was only one night and meant nothing. Sounds to me like you’re talking to two liars in a new love triangle, guy! But Jini swears to you that she has zero interest in Bill. If she has such little interest in him, why does she go on seeing him? Jini might swear that she’s in love with you, but she still wants to see Bill. If she loved you, she would sever all contact with Bill to preserve your peace of mind. But like my cousin General Love says, “Your peace of mind apparently means nothing to her.” Nevertheless, you’re going to go ahead and marry this girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I hope Bill’s going to be the best man!” Have you asked him yet, Dickinson? How do you overcome your feeling that something bad is going to happen when Bill and your fiancée hang out? Buddy, your stomach is talking to you. Your gut is telling

you to “Beware! Stay out of harm’s way!” That’s what’s really going on here and that’s what the problem really is. You’re not listening to your gut, which is trying like hell to protect you, but you won’t let it. You don’t know that Bill isn’t going to make a move on Jini. But how do you know she’s not going to make a move on him? You got it backwards, man! And you can’t be sure that Jini isn’t going to cheat on you precisely because she has a past of cheating. Remember, guys: When you catch her in a lie, it’s time to move on.