Encyclopedia Of Patter

ENCyCLOPEDI# OF PflTTEH

By ROBERT ORBEN

___ W IL L ALMA M.I.M.C. (LONDON)

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B N e re to P B M A OF P

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R O B E R T O R J& E M

A COMPILATION OF CH O ICE COM EDY MATERIAL ARRANGED IN COMPLETE ROUTINES FOR CONVENIENT USE BY THE D ISCRIM INA T IN G PERFO RM ER. :: :: :: :: ::

SECOND ED IT IO N

Copyright 191G A ll Rights Reserved. No part of this book m ay be reproduced in any fo rm without written perm ission from the author.

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Published By ROBERT ORBEN 2690 Webb Avenue New York 63, New York

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INTRODUCTION

Several months ago I sat down to write a hook and pondered carefully the question of what to write about. At first I was inclinjMl Jto do a book about this year’s female bathing suits — but after somc-pSclmunary research 1 found there wasn't enougfi_jnatQi'ial. Then 1 posed this question to myself: Whatj in this progressive day and age could I contribute to the onward march of civilization? Instantly, Ihe only possible answer occured to me. A book of patter for magicians and masters of ceremonies! For months I buried m yself in niv work--- 1 couldn’t eat! I couldn’t sleep! 1 couldiPt drink! I didn't have ally money... But eventually it was through. In my completely unprejudiced opinion, the greatest book in the his­ tory of show business. The following pages are composed of sure-fire material, guaran­ teed for laughs no matter how delivered. Gag for gag, situation for situation, it is better than the average routines done by top comedians of the screen, stage and radio. I have done my best to make them laugh proof but the reader of this book will have to rely to a large extent upon his own ingenuity to fit them into his act. Timing is essential in comedy of any sort. A mediocre comedian will extract from an audience 50% of the laughs that a capable comedian like Bob Hope, Milton Berle or any of the other top-notchers will, using the same material. This is so because they instinctively know what to say and when to say it. To be more specific, they never rush them­ selves with their material. If the audience feels like laughing over a gag that appeals to them, let them! Don’t hurry on to the rest of your routine and kill the laugh. Don’t recite to your audience. Speak the words as if you meant them and when relating incidents suppos­ edly happening to you, tell them convincingly. In short, live your part. In order to help your timing, you will find the material spaced and each space in between gags or even phrases indicates a pause in your delivery. Heed these! Intelligent usage of this guide will double the effect of your act. Finally, listen to sonic of the leading come­ dians on the radio, noting their style and method of delivery, rather than the jokes they use. More than anything else, this will make you a better comedian. There is also the question of when to use this material. By this I mean, will it fit into your act? Nothing is more laughable than a magician who does a half-dozen tricks posing as the Great I Am ■ —a man of mystery, and then suddenly goes into a rapid-fire comedy monologue. His audience might laugh but they won’t be laughing with him. Be consistent! If comedy fits in with your style and personality, use it. If it doesn’t, read the book and recommend it to

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your friends (I have to make a living too) but use your judgment before including any of it into your act. Magicians might say that some of the material has no relation to magic. That is so, but good comedy patter can be used in countless ways by the intelligent conjurer. Many eil'ects have unavoidable lulls that can be filled with excerpts from these routines. Manipula­ tions of coins, balls, cards and other items often are a Hop because of the dead stillness in the air during the act. Here, too the recitation of a routine will provide pleasure for the car as well as the eye. Comedy is always welcome and if you can double as comedian or M. C. besides your magic chores, you will find that jobs will be easier to get and repeat dates a practical certainty. There is a wide range of subjects covered in this book and with the basic material given and by intelligent cutting, revision and additions, you can turn these routines into tailor made laugh-getters. Exercise caution in your choice of material for the job you are playing. Some of the jokes used would not be advisable at church functions, children’s shows and locations patronized by the sedate and elderly. Conversely, emphasize this material at smokers, lodge-meetings, etc. This hook is meant to he used. Some of you may see a lot of jokes in it that you’ve already heard and summarily termed corny. You will undoubtedly call a lot of it “old stulf,” but speaking about old stuff I am putting down the following story that I saw in sev­ eral different popular magic magazines in the past few years. It goes: At an impromptu entertainment aboard a crowded transport going to France during the war, a magician was giving a great performance" On a perch overlooking the scene a stir insed parrot watched the artisF cause cards to disappear^ gold fisirT5owls-and giant bouquets oTliowers to>app~ear out of"tlmiiair. At llle~climax of~thesTreheets the sleight o r i i a n tl artist announced dramaticaIIy~to his soldier audience, “And now 1 will show you a feat unnafalTeled nTthe history of legertlermam.” Just as the parrot, yisibl^TmTTressecT by the words, was leaning forward to see better, there came a tre­ mendous explosion as a Nazi torpedo crashed through tTursule~of~tlie ship. Lights went out, whistles blew, hells ran;*, fire Unshed through tlie ship and oiie after another the giant boilers exploded. In ii few liiiniues the ship went down leaving the parrot sitting preeariousiy on a piece of driftwood. He saw the magician come'ter the surface, shout, "Help ! 1 and go down again. Once more thcTman came up. Once more he yelled “Help!” cince more lie disappeared. The third time he went down lor good- Jslnw~TlTero~was 110 ~trace~~of~tIie ship, the passengers or the performer. The parrot thought abotm iie \vhoie~llusiiiess ior a while and then sottiy murmured toTfimself ‘‘Amazing!” ' ~ At the time of publication in these magazines it was brand newr to the magical gentry and anyone re-telling it or reprinting it would have been thought a plagarist. This fact caught my curiosity

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and I decided to trace the origin of the joke. I found that it had been told in a score of different Avavs and credited to a dozen different personalities and quite a few eelebriles. I tracked it all the way back to 19152 when it appeared in a collection of original humor in which it was credited to Ed Wynn. With all respect to Mr. Wynn, I sincerely believe I could have gone even farther back. In short, a joke is new, no matter what its age, if you or your audience hasn’t heard it. I’ve given credit in very few places for the gags used because in most cases their source has been claimed by many. I’d just like to extend a simple thanks to all the comedians and comedy writers who have helped me in the compilation of this book. And now I leave you to the jokes with this reminder. This book is little but so is the atom bomb. Use its contents to good advantage. Wordily yours, Robert Orben Postscript — Many thanks to Frank Kelly for permission to use his swell rope opening and to Ted Trinkaus for the fine art work he produced for the cover.

ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER

ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER by

The State Library of Victoria ‘ALMA CONJURING COLLECTION’

ROBERT ORBEN

I have not included a Table of Contents because of the difficulty in classifying the various routines. They cover such a wide latitude and concern such diverse subjects that even the routine headings became a problem. Therefore I would recommend your just open­ ing the book and reading. For future references just mark the page you wish to remember on the spacious cover of this book. (If you arc called upon to M. C. a show or do a solo stint besides your magic, this is a perfect routine. Always remember to never give your audience too much humor. With one-liner material, ten minutes should be the absolute maximum time your act should run.) MY LIFE OF MAGIC or

s IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN--- 1 WOULDN’T By the unanimous request of two waiters and a dishwasher. I will relate the story ot iVly Lite of Magic-— ^ o r --- If I Had My Life To Live Over~Again — I Wouldn’t . ~ . . . Un the fatef 11!“night of June 16, liTTS~(substitute you birthdate) — 7i latetul nigtit~beeause nothing happened---- nothing happened and tliev called it (your n a m e )........... . 1 was born on a s t a i r c a s e and so~I came into life a stepchild . . iVIv niotlierloved children —-- she’d have given anything if I’d have been o n e .......... I’ve had magic in mv veins since I was born --- sometimes I wish lh a d blood . . . 7. Why some of my theatrical ancestors go as far back as Columbus, some of them even go as far back as Cincinnati..........At an early age I began to do magic and soon the neighbors took no'tice ot mv great talent — In fact I still have the scars to prove it . . . . . ATtlie age of two I was accused of making mv father’s whiskey disappear .. . . . Hecalled it iNio and Tuck whiskey — one nip andthey tucked him away for th e mght . . . . . I always get Blamed lor everything. Even as a baby they were pinning things on me J... . Mv first two years had been a monotonous lify but I never realized tha t I needed aThange tin til niy mirse reminded me........... My mind made up I clrTrmtrd-my'best Eton-suit--- motli-eaton that i s .......... and at the tender age of two began looking for a job. It wasn’t that people didn’t want to hire a two year old but they all wanted at least three years experience.......... It was then that I regretted spending my

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past two years in bed........ Although I was born iitf Chicago I began attending school in New York. After a week I began getting tired of traveling back and, forth though.........I was doing a card act at the time. I was so engrossed in my magic that when in school the tcacher ask me to count I would say, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King” ......... At the age of seven I was the brightest pupil in the mentally deficient group......... I stooTTnr the corner so much J had a triangular, forehead . . . . . Bui then Ihe lure of theTo7>tlights overcame me. TTwas'lhe most natural"tiling in the world for me td~~go~~on the stage! 1 coukhrt see" a thing From where~I~was sittin g ........... 1 entered a magic ctnrtcsT at tlurlocaMheatre and walkecPofl' with all the medals--but the manager caught me at the door and made me put them b ack ..........I did a twenty minute act---- ten minutes of magic and ten minutes to apologize for the first ten m inutes............I fmaHyclidwin a medal though. It was worth ten dollars and wasI proud of it! Every SundayT would take mv friends down to the pawnshop to see i t .........Finally Homesickness and lack of money brought" nil' bacK~fb my mother’s side and until tho~age of fonl l was tied~to my mother’s apron strings] I duTh’t jn in d this at all except when she sent the apron to the laundry . . TTTivlv ears usecT to get caught in the wringer.......... A" year later I struck out for myself once again and I can say that I earned my own living since I was eleven years old. Before that I guess I was just a b u m ......... What times I had! They sure were hectic and when I say hectic I mean exciting Eecause 1 don’t know what hectic'"means . . . . .~! Adolescence caught up with me as 1 was in Tlie inuRUe of a Boy Scout test. Instead of trailing a deer through the quiet woodland, I found myself trailing a dear down a quiet boulevard......... From that time on I became — a Girl Scout! . . . . I was at the in-between age, too old for Castoria and too young for Serutan.........But I was learning quickly. Already I knew that sloe-gin made some girls fa s t.......... I was sent abroad to study----but she couldn’t teach me anything......... At the age of sixteen I entered Pawtucket Uni­ versity in the state of Oblivion..........and four years later I grad­ uated--- and became a Sophomore.........Ah! good old P. U............ It was there that I invented the revolutionary new airmail stamp that got letters where they were going without an airplane. I put Gypsy Rose Lee’s picture on the stamp and the letters took off by them­ selves .......... I also had an invention that would make a girl six inches shorter---- a hole in the ground.......... The hardest thing I learned while at college was how to open beer bottles with a quarter............But it was there that my cultured manner was acquired but I gujbss that’s oblivious.........I’ll never forget Hie dnv that I took mv first bath! I’ll never forget the dav I-took my last bath! ---- same dav! ...........Now, once a week I go over mvself with an eraser and a whisk-broom........... :

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MY LIFE IN THE POST-SCHOOL ERA or DOESN’T HE EVER STOP? Upon leaving school I realized I would have to go to work. I was too nervous to steal........At first I worked for a knife sharpener hut I couldn’t, stand the g rin d..........For a short time I was in the artillery department of a pea cannery. I was in charge of shelling the peas......... Then I got a job in which I had ten thousand people Under m e--- 1 was watchman in a cemetery............In the sum­ mertime I worked 011 a grape farm and during harvest time I would tramp on the grapes with my feet to make wine. Suddenly though, something happened that changed the course of my entire career --- I developed fallen arches..........I turned to the glitter of Broad­ way and show business and became an electrician in a Broadway revue. It was one of those quick-change scenes with the stage all dark. The star asked for her tights and I thought she said lights .........Unemployed once again,! I tWrned to my first love, magic, and was soon behind (he footlights once more. My first show was the fastest I was ever in. A strip-teaser opened the show at 8 :10 and the police closed it at 8:12.........The theatre was so small I took a bow from the stage and hit my head on the balcony r a i l .......... I’m not saying the show was bad but even the empty seats got up and left ........ Half the audience would hiss me and the other half would ap­ plaud--- the hissing........... There’s no doubt about it though, my act was a success--- ’but the audience was a miserable failure........ Undaunted, I went on a personal appearance tour. I used to get a lot of advance publicity from the pictures of me hanging in the town’s post office......... One day while playing Loggerhead, Pa. — I played all the big cities.......... there was a big crowd outside the theatre shouting, “We want (your name)! We want------- !” and if the police hadn’t arrived in time they would have got me too.........Even the mice in the dressing rooms set traps for m e .......... Even so, I would have made a terrific hit but the seats were bad in all the theatres I played'--- they faced the stage.........I never had to worry about transportation in those days. After every performance the audience used to ride me out of town 011 a r a il......... By this time 1 was determined to go back to Harvard Medical School — as Ex­ hibit A ..........but then inspiration struck me (If you are playing with a band have the drummer crash a cymbal here) and I soon developed my rapid-fire comedy style and as a result was fired more rapidly than ever before........ Ah! but I was on my way to stardom. What an act I had! First I hypnotized my assistant into thinking she was a canary, so I gave her .birdseed for breakfast, dinner and supper--- then I went one better. I hypnotized her into thinking she was a sparrow and let her find her own fo o d ......... It was sen­ sational ! In the last theatre I played I had them rolling in the aisles --- -until the manager came down and took the dice a w ay .......... One triumph led to another and soon I found myself only five thous­

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and dollars in debt . . . . One grateful fan gave me a 112 piece after dinner set--- a box of tooth-picks and a finger bowl . . . . . Just the other night my agent threw me a big dinner---but it didn’t hit m e ........ You know what an agent is. That’s' a pick-pocket with a license......... My fortune was made! I owned houses, stables. I followed the horses--- with a shovel and broom .......... I even had a yacht. I called it the Club Sandwich-because it had three decks.............I played to packed houses in Washington and although I didn’t get my picture taken with the President I did have it taken with a man who works right under h im ----the stoker of the While House furnace.......... I even had a book dedicated to me. It was called the Wisdom of Confucious and Bertram Hossinphefi'er ■ ---Hossinphefi'er owned the typewriter.......... And then I returned in triumph to Little Old New York where I was booked for one year solid in the Boiler Room of the Hotel Astor........ Manhattan — that’s where four hundred years ago the Dutchcheated the Indians by giving them twenty four dollars in junk for it. Since I came back, the Indians have sent $4.(50 b a c k ........... And so, after all these years in show business, I think I’m the only one qualified to tell which came first, the bird or the egg — I’ve got them both ..........At least I can say the wolf’s not at my door any more ---no more door! MY IMPRESSION OF AN EVENING WITH A PUSH-BUTTON RADIO Once again we salute all you millions of radio fans and fannies ........... This is station N-U-T-S broadcasting on a hookup of (52 kilocycles, 38 motorcycles and 2 bicycles......... And now we bring you the news of the week. Flash! Sears Roebuck catalogue resumes pre-war thickness — farm boys again begin to learn the facts of l i f e ........... Albany, New York — Miss Nancy Taylor reported to police the loss of twenty dollars today. She said the money was concealed in her stocking and the loss was discovered soon after the departure of a vacuum cleaner salesman who had been demonstrat­ ing his lin e .........Shapeless, Mass............. Man found shot, stabbed, poisoned and hung--- police suspect foul p la y ............. Schultz’s butcher shop reports that Mr. Schultz backed into his meat grinder and so he’s a little behind in his orders........ And now our weekly success story. Moe and Joe, two brothers, worked hard all their lives to make a fortune. Finally Joe invented, a machine into which you inserted a dime and a new7 wife came o u t .......... He made a million dollars. But Moe---'Moe made ten million dollars. He invented a machine into which you inserted a wife and a new dime comes o u t........ I will now read you a letter from one of the many satisfied users of Campbell’s Beans. “Dear Sirs: for fifteen years 1 have been bed-ridden but after using your product I find I can’t stay in bed for more than five minutes at a time” ........The band will now play our theme song “Without A Word of Warning” ........... The

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first selection of our weekly poetry liour will be “Don’t Worry About the Woodpile Mother, Father W ill Come Home With A Load On” .......... At intersections look each way, a harp sounds nice but it’s hard to play............ Gypsy Rose dressed very thin, Gypsy Rose sat on a pin, Gypsy Rose..............Svengali Life Insurance Company; Gentlemen: You havo asked me to fill out so many proofs of claims, forms and questionaires and I have had so much trouble getting m y m o n e y that I sometimes wish my husband hadn’t died. .......... Flash!-— Leading fashion experts declare that women are wearing the same thing in brassieres this year........... Men! Did you wake up with a grouch this morning?—or did sheget up ahead of y o u ? .......... And now the answer to our jack-pot question of last week. The question: Who’s forty three and sleeps with cats? The Answer: Mrs. Katz.............. Use N EPO— the new super laxative. NEPO spelled backwards is open...........Remember, when all others fail NEPO will triumph in the end.............. Women factory workers attention!!! My advice to you is this. If the sweater is too big for you, look out for the machines — If you’re too bigfor thesweater, look out for the m e n ...........Do you see spots in front of your eyes? Then use Eigen’s Irish Eyelash Dye and see the spots in tech­ nicolor .......... And now we bring you the Loan Arranger brought to you by the Simon LeGree Finance Company........... Our guest tonight will be Sliyloclc H olm es.......... Girls! — There may be a destiny that shapes our ends but temporarily put your faith in Stretcho Girdles . . . . Remember — When your love begins to cur­ dle, you’d better buy yourself a girdle.......... Calling all cars in the vicinity of (local neighborhood). Calling all cars in the vicinity of ..................... Counterfeit ten dollar bills being distributed in your district. Be careful in accepting bribes---- Calling car 33. Call­ ing car 33. Go to the corner o f --------- and ----------- and break up crap games between cars 67 and 6 8 . . . . . . Use Sinko Soap — It doesn’t float, it doesn’t smell nice, it doesn’t clean, break in two or bubble—tit just keeps you company in the bath-tub..........Dear Mr. Agony..........Ten years ago I sent my husband out for a loaf of bread and he hasn’t returned since. What shall I do? Dear Madam: Don’t wait any longer, send out. for another loaf of bread .......... Calling car 62. Calling car 62. Wipe off your windshield. Somebody is stealing your radiator c a p ......... Calling all cars. Call­ ing all cars. Go to the lobby of the Hotel (local hotel). Hedy Lamaar standing there with hat on. That is a l l ..........Girls, has fate played you a dirty trick?--- Has nature been unkind to you?---Are you flat-chested?--- Well, make your torso-morso.......... Our motto is “What The Lord’s Forgotten — We Stuff With Cotton” . . . . Try Upton’s Uplifting Uplifts — they make mountains out of mole­ hills !

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THE SAGA OF DAISY or I GO OUT WITH GOOD GIRLS — I CAN’T AFFORD THE OTHER KIND I’ll never forget the first time I met her-— and don’t think I haven’t tried......... I won’t say how it happened but it sure cured me of whistling........ I was at a New Year’s party when the effects of seventeen MololofT Cocktails took their toll. Slowly I collapsed to the floor and there she w a s .......... lying under a table with a Coolidge button tightly clasped in her little h a n d ......... The aroma of faint perfume clung tenderly to her — Schenley No. f> ............ I say faint perfume because it made you want to do just that......... She looked beautiful that night — she looked as ii' she had just stepped out of Vogue--- and fell flat on her fa c e ........... Like a Power’s model who had lost most of her power........ I knew at once she was a lady — she had just come out of a room marked that . . . . She always traveled with the upper set — the lower set she kept in a glass of water......... I know, I saw them one day 011 her dresser with a cigar between them........ Ah! but those lips, those ears, those cheeks, that eye.......... She had everything that Betty Grable has only she had it thirty years longer......... She had lips like petals — petals on a bicycle........... A school-girl complexion with big diplo­ mas under her eyes.......... She had shiny black hair and nails to m atch........... And her teeth! They were like sparkling water — Seven U p ........ There were so many cavities in her teeth she talked with an echo........... For years I wondered why she wore such wrinkled stockings — then I found out she wasn’t wearing any . . . . She was the only girl who could really say she got her good looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon......... She didn’t make iij) her face, she assembled i t .........Someone once said she had the face of a child. That may have been so but she was getting it aw­ fully wrinkled..........I don’t think even the child wanted it back ..........And what a figure! The only thing a sweater did for her was to keep her w arm ......... If it wasn’t for her Adam’s apple she wouldn’t have had any figure at a l l ......... She was so fat she could answer the front door without leaving the kitchen........... Every time she walked past a drug-store the scales jumped inside.......... One day she was dressed all in green and when she accidentally yawned, somebody stuck a letter in her m o u th .......... She used to be in show business. She did a novelty act in which she sang a duet all by herself........ She said she was thirty at the time. Well, thirty is a nice age for a woman — especially if she happens to be fifty .......... All I have to say is, she will never1 be as old as she looked.......... Why, she was so old she knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.......... In those days she used to do an acrobatic act, and what a climax she had. She used to lean over backwards and pick up her handkerchief with her teeth. For an encore she used to pick up her teeth........ I asked her if she would be free that

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evening. She said no but she’d be reasonable..........So we visited her parents. Her family’s in the iron and steel business. Her mother irons and her father---- lie’s a swell g u y ............They were put out of their house so much they got curtains to match the sidewalks ......... It wasn’t really her father’s fault. He was just superstitious. He wouldn’t work any week that had a Friday in i t ......... And I’ll never forget how proud I was the day she graduated from school — reform school........... We used to stroll in the woods and pick flowers. Occasionally her little brother would follow us and then we had to pick flow ers.............. I called her Daisy because she grew wild in the woods.......... She never liked swimming, it made her feet too big. She never liked tennis, it made her arms too big. She never liked horseback riding, i t .......... She once went out with a gu!y she thought was the strong silent type. Then she found out he was suffering from Halitosis and had to keep his mouth shut .........She said she was an old-fashioned girl and drank a dozen of them (o convince h im ......... They went to the zoo and there was a sign there saying “Please Don’t Feed the Animals” ---- so he put her dow n......... She was so sentimental. Every night I would take her little hand in mine--- and twist it until she dropped the k n ife .......... And every Christmas she hung up her stockings for Santa Claus and all she ever got in them was a summons from the Board of Health........ One day she found a man in her bedroom and she gave him twenty four hours to get o u t ........... But then tragedy struck. I still remember that last day when I asked her if I could kiss her hand and she looked at me so sweetly and said, “Whassa matter, is my mouth dirty?” .........She said she was going to lose fifty pounds in two weeks. I didn’t think she could do it but in two weeks she went down from 200 to 150 pounds-—— casket and a ll........They found $5000 sewed in her bustle. That’s an awful lot of money to leave behind........ You know' what a bustle is. It’s nothing but a deceitful seatful......... Now every Sunday I visit her grave with that tender inscription upon the head-stone “She Was Just A Communist’s Daughter, But Everyone Got His Share.” PATTER ROUTINE FOR CLIPPER (This is that old-timer in which you fold a strip of newspaper in half and clip off the folded end. When you again open the strip it is found to be completely restored. The trick is now being sold under several different names such as Clipper, Clippo, Clipp-it, Snip-o, etc. The dealer from which you obtained this book prob­ ably has it in stock. You may make your own trick by simply cutting out one complete want ad column from your local newspaper and spreading a thin layer of good grade rubber cement over the entire length of it. When it has half dried, dust talcum powder over the rubber cement and then remove the excess powder. From a distance this prepared strip will never be noticed. The trick is self-working for the pressure of the scissors snipping the end off automatically seals the paper together again. Follow the directions

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carefully as to just when to cut and when to open the strip of paper.) (Have prepared strip of paper and scissors in your pocket when you come out on stage.) I just got in from Florida the other day and helieve me that place is wonderful. In one week you’re well enough to go back to work and poor enough to have t o ........... I was living in a boarding house down there but finally the land lady asked me to leave. She knew I was a bachelor and one night she heard me drop my shoes on the floor--- twice........... I had lived there two years but I was going to leave anyway. I just dis­ covered they didn’t have any bath-tub...........When I arrived in (name of your town) I didn’t realize there was such a housing short­ age. Rooms are so scarce the only way to get a place to live in is to get arrested..........It’s so crowded even the ghosts can’t find a house to h au n t........... Some hotels are even installing gold fish bowls in telephone booths and renting them out as room and bath ......... I finally got to a hotel and asked them if they had my reser­ vation. They said yes, they had my reservation, but they didn’t have any room s......... I asked the clerk if he could get me a suite for five dollars — so he gave me a Hershey bar . . . . At times I think I was born under the “No Vacancy” sig n.......... Finally they gave me a room at the O.P.A. stealing price.......... What a room! They advertise ice water in every room but I didn’t expect it to be up to my knees..........They told me it would have a twelve piece bed-room set. It had a twelve piece bed-room set alright. A pic­ ture frame, a picture, a pane of glass, a wire and a nail to hang it with, a hair brush and sixi bristles......... The room had a very .high ceiling---that is until the elevator came dow n...........Everything in it was imported. The clocks came from Switzerland, the lace from Belgium, the glassware from Holland and the silverware from Horn &Hardart.........They advertised feather beds in every room. There were three of us in the room and every hour we changed places so that everyone had a chance to sleep on the feather...........That was too much. I decided to find a room by looking in the classified ad section of the (local newspaper). (Take out strip of newspaper and scissors and pretend to begin reading it.) Ah! Here’s one. “Thirtyfourth Street and Sixth Avenue. Two room suite in R. H. Macy’s window......... open exposure . . . . handy to shopping . . . . plenty of window space” .......Well, that’s one way to keep in the public’s eye but I thought I would be a little too much in it, so I decided to eliminate it. (Fold the strip of newspaper and snip off the folded end with the scissors. Now open it and profess surprise at its resoration.) Maybe this would do. “Star Drug Store. Vacant phone booth . . . . electric fan . . . . hand}7 to luncheonette . . . . free electric light . . . . just perfect for an upright tenant” . . . . Well, this was promising but after some consideration I decided to cut it out. (Again snip off folded end and restore.) The next one reads, “Four­ teenth Precinct Jail. Single rooms only.........Long term lease nec­ essary . . . . fascinating neighbors . . . . they’ll slay you” . . . . This was a little too confining for my tastes and so once again I eliminate it. (Snip off and restore) By this lime I was running

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around in circles (Cut a U shaped piece out of the folded end. Simply start at one corner and cut down and around until you reach the other corner. Upon opening the strip you will have a round hole in the paper, held together by the two side portions of the paper. Practice this a bit and it will come easily to you.) and my nerves were becoming jagged. (Cut a zig-zag line across the folded end and when the paper is opened it will he held together by jagged edges.) I was even ready to go to (Cut the folded end from a point 1 \ /-> inches down on one side up to the corner of the other side. In other words, at a 45 degree angle so that when the paper is opened up it will be in the form of an L.) L to find a room. Hut the next ad proved to be available and so I snipped it out (Snip end and show restored) and then tore the paper apart, confident that I wouldn’t have to use it anymore. (Pull the two pieces apart and hold in each hand during the following gags.) I finally found the place but it was more spooky than the sewers of Paris. At least the sewers of Paris have running water.........Well, I shouldn’t say that. The room had running w ater----- when the ceiling le a k e d ............The

place had air-conditioning though. When the conditions were right. I had a ir .......... My room was so small I couldn’t brush my teeth sideways--- 1 had to brush them up and dow n........... Every time I b li n k e d m y ey es I w a s h e d th e w i n d o w s ................ I e v e n h a d to g o into the next room to change my mind . . . . But even so I had one of the better rooms. Mine had a window in i t ..........As you came in there was a big sign facing you saying “Don’t Slam the Door— It’s Holding Up the Walls” ......... To get hot water you banged on th e w a t e r p ip e s w i t h a h a m m e r to le t th e j a n i t o r k n o w y o u w a n t e d h o t w a t e r -------- a n d th e j a n i t o r b a n g e d r i g h t b a c k w i t h a w r e n c h to

let you know you weren’t going to get i t ......... When I rented the room they said it overlooked the park. From where I was it looked as if it overlooked it completely........ But the windows did overlook a nudist camp. I guess you might say it was a room with sudden exposure............They had beautiful winding staircase downstairs.

Every morning I could hear them going down to wind it up again ........Talk about the straw that broke the camel’s back. I Avas sleep­ ing on it last nig ht......... They said it was a bed that Paul Revere had slept in. From th e w a y it sagged i n t h e middle h i s h o r s e must luwe s le p t t h e r e w i t h h i m ......... The l a n d l a d y b o u g h t a l l t h e f u r n i ­ t u r e i n m y r o o m A v itli s o a p c o u p o n s . She s p e n t most o f h e r t i m e in m y r o o m b e c a u s e the o t h e r r o o m s Avere s o f u l l o f s o a p s h e c o u l d n ’ t get any furniture into th e m ..........But I finally had to leave. She kept her wardrobe in my room for so long I finally A ve n t up to her and said, “Mrs. Nussbaum, would you kindly take your chest out of my room?” ......... Landladies are nice avI i c i i you first move in but l e t a y e a r o r so g o b y A v ith o u t p a y in g y o u r r e n t a n d y o u ’r e t h r o w n o u t .............. I lo o k e d a t m y t o r n w a n t a d c o lu m n a n d d e c id e d to d o my

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asylum). At last I had found a room. (Keep cutting and restoring the paper as you make your exit.) (If you wish to shorten this routine you may omit everything up to where the actual cutting begins. M. C.’s may adopt this patter for a complete housing shortage routine by omitting the references to cutting; etc.) SHE WAS ONLY A CARNIVAL QUEEN BUT SHE SURE MADE A LOT OF CONCESSIONS The first time I ever saw her was at the annual meeting of the Sing Sing Alumni Association--- Class of ’36. She was the most popular girl there. Of course that’s not saying much. Nowadays the only difference between a popular and an unpopular girl is simply one says yes and the other says n o .........She was just a little country girl who always went out with city fellows because farm hands were too rough......... She’s as pretty as a picture and has a frame to m atch.........She has a remarkable ])rofile— all the way down . . . . I don’t remember ever having really met her. I .just opened my billfold and there she w as........ They called her carefree -— she didn’t care as long as it was free . . . . Romance was in the air. My heart was in the clouds, and her hand was in my pocket ......... She was one of those shy, demure girls The kind you have to whistle at twice . . . . She asked me if I wanted to dance. I said, “I don’t dance, but I’d love holding you while you do” .......... She can’t really dance so well but can she intermission! ..........She bad hips like Mae West, legs like Betty Grable and her face----- Gosh, I forgot to' look at her face . . . . She said she was a movie actress. If that’s so only two good things have ever come out of Hollywood and she had both of them . . . . She had only one problem in life. How to show a lot of herself and a lot of expensive clothes at the same tim e........ She had on something new. A barbed wire dress ■ — it protects the property without obstructing the v ie w ............It showed everything but good taste . . . . She said she paid a shocking price for the dress but that was only fair. It was a shocking dress ..........She also had 011 a beautiful mink coat! I still don’t know whether she got it to keep her warm or quiet . . . . I asked her where she would meet me that night and she said half-Avay . . . . So we went to her house and sat in the living room to listen to the radio. Her kid brother followed us in so we had to listen to the radio . . . . I tried to get rid of him by offering him a quarter to go to the movies. He said, “Don’t be a sucker. Here’s a half-dollar, let me stay and watch” ......... The next day I came around again with my mind made up to stay at home but she had her face made lip to go o u t .......... So we Avent to the beach. I was having a swell time teaching her how to swim until the life guard came along and made us go into the water . . . . She’s supposed to be the cream of society but whenever I talk to her she curdles............I used to make love to her overt the phone. Finally too many people objected and we had to get out of the booth . . . . But then I began to find

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out about her. She began going out with an accomplished author and I began wondering how much he was accomplishing..........She knew so many sailors she didn’t keep a diary anymore—it was more like a ship’s log . . . . The Navy Department even stationed an S. P. in her vestibule . . . . . And then came the last straw. She got mar­ ried. She was so used to having things done for her that she married a man with five kids........ I told her I was going to inherit a fortune from my father when he died so what do you think happened? •—■ She’s my m other!..........She was so pleased with the wedding she could hardly wait till the next o n e .......... Of course there’s a lot to be said in her favor but it’s not nearly as interesting.......... So now you see why I’m forgetting women. In fact, I’m for getting some as soon as possible............... COMEDY SONG TITLES (When introducing a vocalist about to sing you can use one of these titles or use them in one of your routines. Several of them may be strung together by simply emphasizing OR after each title.) I (He, She) will now sing that perennial favorite: I’ll Re Seizing You In All The Old Familiar Places. Go Into The Roundhouse Nellie, He Can’t Corner You There. Don’t Raise The Bridge Gateman, Lower The Water. I Want A Girl, Just Like The Girl, That Married Harry James. Mother, Please Don’t Point Father At Me; He Might Be Loaded Again. PATTER FOR THE RETURNED SERVICEMAN (Now that so many entertainers are being released from service I felt that a special routine for the returned serviceman would be appropriate. Those of you who did your job on the home front may use this routine by substituting some friend of yours or member of the show as the leading character in it. The older men can change the material a little and use it as their experiences in the last war. I found that the audiences are really lapping this up and you will do well to add it to your act. As some of you may know I’ve just left the all-star show staged by Uncle Sam. That show played every corner of the world and had the largest cast in history. Although the reviews haven’t all been printed yet I think it made quite an impression upon some of its audiences. After (time of service) of service I’ve seen quite a few sights and I think you might be interested in hearing about some of them. You know, at the age of six I opened by little mouth and momentous w'ords came forth, “Mama,” I said “I was just put into 1A.” At that time little did I know7 that 20 years later I would again open my mouth and say, “Mama, I was just put into A l” ........... I joined the army for three reasons: 1 . I wanted to defend my coun­

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try. 2. I knew it would build me up physically. 3. They came and got m e ..........I went in as something of a celebrity. My draft board

voted me the most likely to succeed........ All my friends called me a coward because I quit the 0. P. A. to become a paru-trooper . . . . The first thing they did in cam]) Avas give me a physical. At the time they told me to watch my P ’s and Q’s --- 1 had my hands full

holding up my B. V. D.’s . . . . When you first come into the army they tell you to stop thinking. They say that they’re going to do all the thinking for you--- and you’d be surprised at the things those people can think o f ........... In a short time I gained sixty pounds. Two pounds of flesh and fifty-eight pounds' of equipment ......... They gave me a rifle that Aveighed 8.08 pounds. After I car­ ried it for a few hours I thought the decimal point had dropped out . . . Then they made me take a hair-cut. They have two prices for the G. I. haircuts, 25 and 50c. With the fifty cent one they take oil’ your h a t ........... W ith the twenty-five cent one they take oil' your

h ead..........Across the street Avas another barber shop advertising “G I. Haircuts Repaired—-75c” ..........And the food in that camp

Avas absolutely poison--- and such small p o r tio n s !...............One day I Avas late for roll call and the sergeant came over to me and said in a Avell modulated snarl, “Well, it’s nice to see you soldier. W e had so feared you had signed a separate peace” ...........I finally Avas s e n t to a s c h o o l d o w n South f o r a d v a n c e t r a i n i n g . That s c h o o l Avas s o adAra n c e d that o n e d a y I d r o p p e d a p e n c i l a n d by the time I had picked it up I had .missed a year of solid geom etry........... I e s p e c i a l ly l i k e d t h o s e s o u t h e r n girls A v ith t h e i r s o u t h e r n d r a w l s . You a s k e d o n e o f t h e m f o r a k i s s a n d b e f o r e she c o u l d s a y no i t was

too late........ One day I dialed a number thinking I Avas calling one of them and began to sound off as to just Avhat Avas Avrong Avith army life. When I had ripped the army into shreds the voice on the other end asked, “Do you know avIio this is?” Before I could ansAver it said, “This is Colonel Smith, your commanding officer.” I thought a moment and then asked, “Do you know avIio this is?” The Col­ onel said, “No” Avhereupon I answered, “Thank God,” and hung up ..............I AA’a s s t a n d i n g g u a r d d u t y o n e n i g h t A v h en a s o l d i e r c a m e up to me Avithout his identification card. Although he protested vehe­ mently I Avouldn’t let him pass, just as the book said. Finally he screamed at me, “Do you know Avhat these mean?” and he pointed to tAvo stars on liis shoulders. But he couldn’t fool me; I was too smart for him. “Sure,” I snapped right back, “You’ve got t w o sons in the service” . . . . W hile a civilian I always admired the Avay the army kept its buildings so nice and clean. I didn’t find out until I got in avIio keeps them so nice and c le a n ............ I Avas the only soldier to get a Purple Heart for housemaid’s knee . . . . But finally we got our marching orders and set out by railroad for the coast. It Avas one of those progressive railroads. They couldn’t raise the AvindoAvs of the train so they air-conditioned the c a r s ...........Those trains Avere so late Ave saAv a troop of Confederates passing iis on the A vay to Gettysburg........... In fact I think they even mentioned

troop trains in the Bible. It said, “The Lord made every creeping thing” ......... The train Avas so croAvded Avith government big shots

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and brass that finding sleeping room was a problem. We finally decided that the most important person, a General, should sleep in a lower berth. One less famous in an upper berth, and next on a sofa, the next on a chair and so on. I’m not saying where I slept but I was the first one to brush my teeth in the morning . . . . . All night long all I beard was “Clickety-clack, clickety-elack, clieketvclack.” Finally seeing I couldn’t get any sleep I got up and joined the crap gam e......... We invented a new dice game that night. It was called Lana Turner because everybody makes passes........... When we got to the coast we were packed into a transport and soon we were on our way to the Pacific. Did I have a rough time going overseas! I suffered from sea-sickness and lock-jaw ---- both at the same tim e.........While on the ship we heard about the terrible privations the civilians at home were enduring. There was a rumor that there was such a shortage of gas the motorists had to push their cars over pedestrians . . . . In no time at all we arrived in the Reform Islands. They called them the Reform Islands because the natives were always turning over a new leaf . . . . It was there that we saw our first Jap Zero. They weren’t so much. In fact those Jap Zero planes were just like a pair of step-ins. It took only one Yank to bring them d ow n.......... Incidentally, I was the one who made the record-breaking parachute jump of ‘1 0 ,0 0 0 feet. I don’t care about the record--- I just want to know what wiseguv wrote Gentlemen on the bomb-bay d o o r........... We used to sing a song dedicated to the para-troops, “It Don’t Mean A Thing If You Don’t Pull That Siring” ..........After a few months I got a pass and went into town. I asked one of the natives, “Are there any nice girls in this town?” She said, “All the girls in this town are nice.” So a half hour later I arrived in Hie next to w n ......... It was there that I met her. They called her the Otficer’s Mess because she was always stewed..........It was love at first sight. I only had a twenty-four hour pass.......... She said she wanted a vine covered cottage with little things crawling on the floor. I thought we should have chil­ dren too though.......... Finally I asked her father for her band in marriage and I never realized how much he liked me until he warned me not to marry her . . . . In plain words I asked for her hand and got his foot in return . . . . Slowly we became aware of the strike situation even though we were thousands of miles from the U. S. A. I had a picket following me for months until I began to wear union suits.......... Speaking of union suits it got so cold on the islands at night that I used to wear six suits of red flannel underwear at one time. Boy, was I flap-happy........ And then I returned to the States in triumph. I was decorated for saving the lives of an entire regi­ ment. I shot the cook......... On the return trip I discovered there were places even foggier than London. In fact one place I was in was so foggy I don’t even know where it was . . . . When I landed in the States I went right up to a Major General standing on the pier and spit right in his face. I had to, his mustache was on fire ......... I can’t really say I enjoyed my stay in the army, none of lis did. We saw a job that had to be done and done well. I can only say that it was a privilege to be able to fight for a cause that is true

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and a land that is free. After the smoke of battle and the mist of war have cleared away though I can think of only one thing to say— I gave the best years of my wife to my country. CARD FAN PRODUCTION FINALE (After you have produced several fans of cards from your suppos­ edly empty hand use this one for cute ending.) Recite: Last night I held a little hand So dainty and so sweet, I thought my heart would surely break So w ildly did it beat. No other hand in all the world Can greater solace bring Than the pretty hand I held last night Four Aces and a King!

(As you speak this last line make your last production and throw the cards away from you as you make your bow. If the stage is well back from the audience you may use any cards but if you are working close-up be sure to have four aces and a king for your last fan.) BURLESQUE or SHE STRIPPED FOR A BARE EXISTENCE I went to the (local burlesque house) theatre the other night. Their shows are recommended for the family but not your own . . . . The night I was there they featured the music of Minsky Korsets-off . . . . They had a revue of twenty girls—ten costumes . . . . Every night they came out and paraded around the stage barefoot up to their chins . . . . The star of the show was Maria Matzolis . . . She was only a tree surgeon’s daughter but she had the best limbs in the show . . . . She spent the best years of her life being seen in the right places---in other words a strip-teaser........... When the show opened she was inexperienced but now' she’s outstripping them a ll......... They offered her a hundred dollars a week to come out dressed with only a feather. In no time at all she was making two hundred dollars a w eek.......... She does an unusual dance in which she loses several pounds every performance. Several pounds of clothing.......... It’s sort of a modernistic fan dance — she uses an electric fan . . . . After the show I asked her if it didn’t embarass her to go out before so many people with no clothes on. She said, “No, I was born that way” .......... But I give her credit. She’s one woman who brings home the bacon--- one strip at a tim e ......... She drove her doctor crazy trying to vaccinate her in a

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place where it wouldn’t show . . . .I n the last act a chorus girl who was late ran out onto the stage with nothing on but nobody even noticed the difference..........Speaking of chorus girls I once knew two chorus girls who absent-mindedly undressed in front of an open hotel window. One caught a bad cold — the other a rich bachelor .........Last week there was a fire in the chorus girl’s dressing room and it took the firemen five hours to put it out. One hour to put the fire out and four hours to put the firemen out. I GO IN SEARCH OF FOOD or WHY? I just ate in a little restaurant in town called the Chez Paree --- that’s French for Shapiro.......... When you walk into the place you go down two steps — literally and socially.......... I won’t say it’s a clip joint but the only thing you can get for a quarter in there is twenty cents......... They have blue mirrors all over the place so when you see your check you don’t turn p a le ............It’s really swanky though, they even have monogrammed napkins. At least I thought they were monogrammed napkins until my monogram crawled away . . . . Business was so good they had the ropes up — the bosses hung themselves . . . . As I entered the place I asked a waitress, “Do you serve crabs in here?” She looked at me and said, “Sit down, we serve anybody” ......... Then I asked her where the menu was and I had walked all the way to the back of the res­ taurant before I realized she had misunderstood m e .......... I never saw such crooks! On the way back to my table I bent over to tie my shoelaces. Someone jacked me up and stole my shoes.......... They have a wonderful Chinese cook there. His American name is “Sneeze” — that’s because they call him Ah Chou back in China . . . . He baked pies that everyone raved about. Well, nearly every­ one, the rest just foamed at the m outh .......... He serves the most delicious tea in the city which would be allright only the menu says it’s soup . . . . The restaurant is famed for its wonderful 8 course din­ ner for 15c — seven baked beans and a finger-bowl . . . They also have a special every day. All you can eat for $5-1-— alka-seltzer extra.......... I looked at the menu and had already ordered two plates of Guiseppie Vercilli when I found out it was the name of the proprietor..........I settled for soup but when I got it there was a big fly in the middle of it. I called over the waitress and told her about it but all she did was lean over and whisper, “Shlih, everybody wrill want one” . . . . Well, I called over another waitress and com­ plained about the fly and all she said was, “What do you expect for a dime, elephants?” .........By this time I was furious and went over to the manager and told him there was a fly in my soup. He just shook his head and said. “Pliui, wait’ll you see the coffee” . . . . Forgetting the soup I ordered wild duck but the waitress said she was all out of it. She did say she could get me a tamed duck and

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annoy it though.......... As a last resort I ordered a steak and believe me it’s tough when you have to pay two dollars for a steak. When you only pay one dollar it’s tougher......... I told the waitress I was hungry enough to eat a horse and ten minutes later I was sorry I opened my m outh..........At first I didn’t see the steak but then I moved a French fried potato and there it was . . . . Confidentially I think that steak was making a comeback . . . . It was so lougli I couldn’t stick the fork in the gravy . . . . The waitress said the steak was smothered in onions. It iastcd as if it died a hard death . . . . I asked her to call the manager but she said, “Don’t be silly— lie won’t eat it either” ..........While I was wailing for dessert I read some of the signs they had on the wall. One read “There Are No Rais In. This Restaurant.” If that’s the truth they have the biggest mice in town.......... Over the cash register they have a. sign that says, “We Have An Agreement With The Rank, We Don’t Cash Checks If They Don’t Sell Hamburgers” . . . . . Right in front of me was one reading “Watch Your Hat And Coat.” So I watched my hat and coat and somebody stole my cup of coffee . . . . So I got up and left the waitress a nickle tip. She just looked at me disgust­ edly and said, “What are you trying to do, seduce me?” . . . . Rut it’s really a swell place. I’d rather go there than eat — and I usually do. MAGICDOTES Senator Claghorn (a noted southern legislator) says he never goes to see a magician unless he has a confederate in the audience. A Confederate, that is. A magician was eating a rabbit stew in a restaurant one day when it suddenly didn’t agree with him and he hurriedly left the room. A waiter who was watching the incident chuckled to himself and said, “That’s the first time I ever saw a rabbit make a magician disappear.” Have you beard about the magician who walked down Broadway and turned into a drug store? Orson Welles tells of the gushing feminine admirer of a noted magician who rushed up to him one day and said, “Mr. --------I think you’re m a r v e 1 o u s and your tricks are so mystifying. I’ve never seen anything like it before—especially the one in which you make a bird cage disappear up your sleeve.” I once knew a girl who said she did card tricks. She wasn’t very good at sleight of hand but she sure could make the jack dis­ appear.

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MY BOSS or MY BUDDY WITH THE FRINGE ON THE TOP (Use your best judgment on this routine, I know more than one entertainer who went looking for a job after he realized that his boss didn’t have the sense of humor he was supposed to have. Parts of the following can also be used against male hecklers.) I get paid weekly here — very weakly..........My contract is so Es^nall I had to sign it in short h a n d ..........I get exactly (cough or ^•lear your throat) dollars a w eek.......... cold cash—I call it cold g pjrash because I never have it long enough, to warm it u p .........Last 7.: c*veck I made up my mind to get a new contract so I tore up my old y°ne and walked up to my boss and said, “Mr. Penny-Pincher, (If you , ; ,-jdon’t like the job use his right name) I demand a new contract.” • pHe was very nice about it — he stayed up all night with me while I pasted the old one back together again.......... He throws niekles 5i\9around like manhole covers........... He’s so cheap he carries his j; y wife’s false teeth with him to keep her from eating between meals l'j ^ .........Everytime I shake hands with him I count my fingers........... o "'Whenever a customer walks away forgetting his change he taps 2 ? q wildly on the counter with a sponge to attract their attention . . . . U All lie thinks about is money. Every successful venture puts a new •£ wrinkle in his face. What I want to know is, how can one face P be so successful?..........He has so many wrinkles on his forehead he has to screw his hat on . . . . His ears arc so big he looks like s3* a taxi with both doors open . . . . He’s the only guv I know who would marry Hedy Lamaar for her money . . . . When he was first married he knew where his wife kept her niekles—then he found out where the maid’s quarters w ere......... He may lie old but lie’s still in there pinching...........One day he took one of the chorus girls for a ride in a taxi and she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter . . . . Last week he saw a big sign adver­ tising the fastest leg show in town. He went inside and in a minute he came out yelling he was robbed. It* turned out to be a six day bike race . . . He’s really a nice fellow though, has a heart of gold and teeth to match . . . . Every night he sleeps with his head in a safe . . . . . The sweetest thing I can say about him is that he has B. 0. . . . . At this time I wish to1 announce the fact that the opinions ex­ pressed in the foregoing monologue are not necessarily those of my­ self or my agent............. THE VALUE OF MONEY or ARE YOU KIDDING? wnat good is money anyway? Can it buy you health? Can it buy you love? Of course I’m talking about confederate money . . . . Money doesn’t always bring happiness. A man with ten million

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dollars is no happier than a man with nine million dollars . . . They say marriage without love is misery blit the way I figure it, if I have money at least I can pick the kind of misery I want to live with the rest of my lif e ..........One day I was standing outside the Hotel (Local hotel), incidentally that’s where I live---outside the Hotel-------- . . . . and I was watching all those people roll up in big limousines with diamond rings and fur coats. Do you think they’re happy?--- You’re damned right they are.......... But what’s money? Money stinks!--- but I don’t mind its sm ell........... A CROOK’S TOUR OF HOLLYWOOD Hollywood — that’s where they get married for better or for worse, but not for lo n g ......... They divorce so often out there that they put in the marriage ceremony the words, “Whom California hath joined, let not Nevada put asunder” . . . . All they do out there is gamble. A friend of mine runs a floating dice game in Hollywood — he uses ivory soap for cubes......... cleans u p ............and there are only two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.......... Everybody’s trying to make money. Even the directors are always trying to make a little extra 011 the side . . . . They’re installing barber poles in the studios to remind the girls of all the close shaves they’ve had . . . . I made a picture out there. It was called “Murder in the Telephone Booth or Your Party has been Disconnect­ ed” ......... I did most of my work in the picture sitting down---that’s where I shine......... When it was released it was so bad even the ushers avoided i t ........ However I did do a personal appearance with it and drew a line two blocks long. It might even have been long­ er but the manager come out and took my chalk away . . . . They showed my picture on the outside of the theatre to drive people in . . . . I just heard Ray Milland was given! four roses by the distillers of America for his performance in the Lost Week-end. That’s noth­ ing --- the breweries of America voted me the Hop-of-the-Week ...........They’re always building Ray Milland up as such a great actor. Why Ray Milland and I both have the same peculiar style of acting only mine’s more peculiar.......... While in Hollywood I was responsible for the success of the picture “Love Letters” though. I licked the stamps . . . . But I’m happy to say that the studios are making money wT ith my films. They’re cutting them up into small pieces and selling them for guitar picks. PATTER FOR FEMALE MAGICIANS OR ASSISTANTS (The lady magician has been completely neglected in magical litera­ ture and to some extent I hope this will make up for previous slights. This routine can be used by the female conjurer or by a girl assistant. It is especially suited for a situation in which the magician must go back-stage for a change of custume or load and while he is doing this his girl assistant can be performing this short routine out front.)

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It was in this very theatre four years ago that I met him. He asked me if I wanted to go on a double date and I said yes, so be brought another girl along......... The very first time he held me in his arms something within me snapped. He thought it was war­ time romance, but I knew it was war-time elastic..........I knew if was lasting love and as he held me I said I was his body and soul but he wanted to know what else I had to o ile r......... We went to the movies one night to see Betty Grable and Lana Turner. The usher came down and told him to stop smoking. I thought this was peculiar because he didn’t have a cigarette lit at the time . . . . Then he said he was going to put his head 011 my shoulder. Up till that time I didn’t know it was o f f ..........He was so protective! He always went with me to the dentist--- He said he wanted to be sure he didn’t pull anything.......... Oh, we had some quarrels but he always patched things up again, my nose, my lips, my jaw ..........Soon our deep love had turned into friendship.............We planned a run-away marriage. Everytime I planned, he ran away . . : . . And then came that tragic night. I remember it so well be­ cause bis liair looked so beautiful I asked him to wear i t ......... And then he died in my arms. He had a bad cough and drank a bottle of poison instead of a bottle of cough syrup. He had seen the skull and crossbones on the label but he, thought one of the Smith Broth • ers had shaved. INCOME TAX or GOD’S GIFT TO GOVERNMENT I paid my income tax the other day. I had twenty different books on HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR INCOME TAX FORM. They tell you everything but where to get the money to pay i t ........... I sent a letter to Washington suggesting an easier way to collect income tax. Everybody would simply mail bis entire salary to the government and they would send you a check each week to live 011 . . . . I had to divorce my wife last week because I couldn’t support her and the government on my salary..........And those tax forms! I bear there’s only one person in America who doesn’t have to <111 out a form and that’s Kate Sm ith.........They have something called with-holding taxes 011 them. I wonder why they named them with­ holding taxes. I can never with-hold a cent from them ......... And I’m still investing 10% in Avar blondes......... Getting big dividends too . . . . I’ve really got nothing to worry about though. I’ve saved the money to pay my income tax — now all I have to do is borrow enough to live on.

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HANGOVER HEAVEN The last nite-club I worked in was a little-out-of-the-way place in (night club sector)— in fact it was so out-of-the-way, even the bosses haven’t been able to find it in five years......... It’s called Hangover Heaven.........It featured a stomach pump at every table ........It wasn’t exactly a night club, it was more like an upholstered sewer . . . . Floor shows at 11 and 2. After that they put the rug over it . . . . They specialize in stews — the place was full of them . . . . In fact their motto was “The Customer Is Always Tight” . . . . They had a three piece band there. They called it a three piece band because that was all they knew . . . . Things were so expensive that when a customer asked for the $3.50 dinner the Avaiter asked if he Avanted it on white or rye . <. . They had a Western sandwich that was really something. Two slices of bread Avith Avide open spaces in between . . . . Their specialty was fried chicken that really tickles your tongue. Maybe it’s because they don’t take off the feathers . . . . No cover charge. No minimum. No customers. No nothing ....... Business Avas so bad the cashier had sleeping sickness three days before anyone noticed it . . . . One day a customer came in to change a ten dollar bill and the boss A v a n t e d to make him a partner . . . . Things got to the point where the waiters were dancing with the bus-boys . . . . One night a vc had only one customer and yet we still made money— w e held him for ransom . . . . But they really had a high class bar. They don’t serve women at the bar, you haA’e to bring your own . . . . They had a drink called Atomic Zombie. One drink of that stuff and you didn’t have to wait till three o’clock for the lights to go out . . . They say that one swallow doesn’t make a spring but one swallow of that stuff and you’ll spring at anything . . . . I finally had to leave the place because of sickness though— the boss got sick of looking at me. CRIME DOESN’T PAY — AS MUCH AS IT USED TO I must be getting famous. Why just the other day I Avalked into a grocery store and before I knew it four clerks were shaking my hand---so I took it out of the cash register . . . . Even the p a n - h a n d l e r s a r e c a l l i n g m e b y m y f i r s t n a m e . . . . One o f t h e m c a m e up to m e t h i s m o r n i n g a n d s a i d , “Could y o u h e l p a f e l l o w w h o s e w i f e i s out o f A v o r k ? ” . . . . A l i t t l e l a t e r h e s t o p p e d m e a g a i n and s a i d h e d i d n ’ t h a v e a b i t e i n three d a y s — s o I b i t him . . . . I s h o u l d n ’ t t a l k a b o u t p a n - h a n d l e r s l i k e t h a t though. My b r o t h e r u s e d to b e a p a n h a n d le r . He A vas a n i n t e r n e i n a h o s p i t a l . . . He’ll go d o w n i n h i s t o r y a s t h e o n l y man t u r n e d d o A v n b y e v e r y r e f o r m s c h o o l in the c o u n t r y . . . . He w a s s o bad avc used t o c a l l h i m bingo because Ave knew h e ’ d w i n d up A v it h a number . . . . While h e w a s i n Washington h e f o l l o A v e d a f i g u r e i n a s l i n k y b l a c k g o A v n fifteen b l o c k s b e f o r e h e d is co \ re r e d it A vas a s u p r e m e court j u s t i c e . . . . I g u e s s he A v a s n ’ t t o b l a m e f o r h i s a c t i o n s though. He j u s t t r i e d t o m a k e a n a m e for h i m s e l f o n l y h e used the A v r o n g name—he

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was a forger . . . . For his trial he got the best lawyer in town. That lawyer was so good lie once spent a whole evening trying to break a girl’s will . . . . My brother was the only man in the world who knew the exact moment lie was going to die — the judge told him . . . . His lawyer said he’d handle the case as pretty as a, picture. He did all-right. My brother was framed and then they hung him . . . . It just goes to show that whether you’re rich or poor, it’s nice to have money. HORSE SENSE or A PERILOUS PAPER TEAR (This is an extremely simple effect but one that will both mystify and amuse. Obtain two of the big money dollar bills that are sold at any magic or novelty shop and is probably carried by the dealer from whom you obtained this book. Prepare them for the regular torn and restored effect in the following manner. Place one of the bills flat 011 a table and put a dab of paste a few inches to the left of the center of the bill. Now place the other bill 011 top of it and let the paste dry, holding the two bills together. The top bill is now secured to the bottom one by a tiny dab of paste 011 one side. Fold the to]) bill as many times as you can so that it is only about an inch and a half square and holding to the back of the bottom bill. Press this little load as compactly as possible and you are ready to begin the trick. This process is explained in greater detail in many of the standard works of magic, and so if you have not understood the foregoing instructions, simply look up the Chinese Paper Tear Effect in one of these books.) (Hold the bill between the tips of your two hands with the load in back concealed from the audience.) After many years of study and observation I finally got the horses where they want me . . . . used to make big money (nod to the big bill you are holding) but then I got the idea that flie horse is man’s best friend—and lie is until you bet on him . . . . But then! (Hold the bill in your left hand with your fingers on the audience side and your thumb hold­ ing the load in place. With your right hand tear a strip off the end of the right side of the bill and place it 011 the outside of the bill, directly in front of the load.) I’ll never forget the first horse I ever bet on. Her name wras Old Girdles. They called tier Old Girdles because she wasn’t any good in the stretch . . . . That .horse was so stupid she got lost between the grandstand and the first turn . . . . The next ten times I bet 011 her she followed the other horses around to make sure she wouldn’t get lost . . . . (Look at the audi­ ence sadly and tear another strip of the bill off and place in front of the last one.) That horse was a fugitive from a merry-go-round . . . . She was so slow they used to time her with a calendar . . . . After every race they used to locate her by radar . . . . I once bet

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on a horse called Gypsy Rose Lee—I played her to show of course . . . . She would have won too but it was a photo finish and the judges censored the picture . . . . (Tear another strip off the bill and place it with the rest.) I bet forty dollars on the horse and was I sore. I found out they sold her the next day for thirty five . . . . I don’t mind betting on a horse and losing but when the horse I bet 011 comes over to the grandstand and says, “Which way did they go?” That’s too much . . . . (Tear another strip.) One day a friend of mine gave me some dope on a horse — After the race was over I found out the only dope, on the horse was the jockey . . . . We bet 011 the horse 10 to 1 and it came in a quarter to four . J . .. The horse was smart though. He used to run around the track 011 three legs —he used the other leg to trip the other horses . . . . But it was about this time that I began to learn that no horse can go as fast as the money you bet 011 him . . . . (Tear another strip.) A friend of mine used to lose at the races, then go home and beat his wife and children. He figured if he couldn’t beat the races at least he could beat his wife and children . . . . She finally went to court and appealed to the judge for a divorce. “Judge,” she said, “my husband thinks of nothing but horses, horses, horses. All day long that’s all I hear. Why, he doesn’t even remember our wedding day.” “That’s a lie!” her husband shouted, “We were married the same day Twenty Grand won the Woods Memorial” . . . . One day I was standing by the betting windows at (local race-track) and I saw one fellow run up four times in a row to place heavy bets on a horse named Lucky Z. As he was coming back for another bet an onlooker stopped him. “It isn’t really any of my business Mac,” he said, “but I wouldn’t bet any more on Lucky Z. He isn’t going to win the race.” The belter looked at him suspiciously and jerked, “What makes you think so?” “ Well,” the stranger replied, “I happen to own Lucky Z and I know he isn’t going to win the race.” The other thought' a moment and then said, “Well, maybe you’re right but all I can say is, it’s going to be a mighty slow race— I own the other four horses” . . . . (Make your last teai^ here and begin folding what’s left of the bill and the pieces in front of it in the direction of your audience, and into a package. In the process of folding it, turn the ball of paper around so that the lead on the back is facing the audience and the package of torn papers is facing you.) But then good for­ tune came my way. I bet on a filly that was accidentally put into a race meant for colts only. That horse ran so fast that she not only won and broke the track record but she was arrested for speeding as she entered the local police station to demand protection . . . . So I was back in the big money once again. (As you say this open the load and you have restored the bill. Display it for a few seconds and then crumple it Up and place it in your pocket. If properly folded the torn pieces will not fall out while you are holding it up for display.) But from all this talk you’ll be getting the impression that I’m a big gambler. That isn’t the case at all. Lady Godiva was the world’s greatest gambler. She put everything she had on a horse.

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MY LIFE OF MARRIED BLISS or HE HAD A WOODEN LEG BUT SHE HAD A CEDAR CHEST Finally I realized the lime had come to take a wife; now the question was wiio to take her from . . . . I believe every man should have a wife, preferably his own . . . . You know that old saying, Two Can Live As Cheaply As One—providing one has lockjaw . . . . They said my wife wasn’t all there—but I figured there was enough of her there to make it worth-while . . . . Anyway, I spent so much money on her I finally had to marry her for her money . . . . She was only a garbage man’s daughter but she was nothing to be sniffed at . . . . She’d been married four times before — what you might call a busy-body . . . . I’ll never forget how after the wedding—wed­ ding, that’s a funeral where you smell your own flowers . . . . how we settled down to a life of married bliss. She with her lovely trousseau, me with my ball and chain . . . . I never knew A v h a t real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late . . . Our first Sunday together in our own little home was heavenly. We sat down and read the comic strips and then tuned in the radio and a man explained them to us . . . . Then she brought in a pan of biscuits she said she made with her own litle hands — I wonder who helped her lift them off the stove . . . . She treated me like a pagan god. She placed burnt offerings before me at every meal . . . . And what a woman! So economical. She never sends any of my suits to the cleaners—she always removes all the spots herself— five spots, ten spots . . . . And she has a will ofi iron. Why just the other day I knew she gave up smoking cigarettes because I found cigar butts all over the house . . . . Soon tbe entrancement of the honeymoon began to wear off and we were soon living what’s called a football romance. We both were waiting for the other to kick off . . . . Before we got married I said I could listen to her voice all night—but I didn’t think I’d have to . . . . She was so sure of getting her own way with me that she used to write her diary four days in advance . . . . She believed in that saying, If At First You Don’t Succeed, Cry Cry Again . . . . All the trouble started one day while I was walking in the park. Every man likes to see a broad smile, especially if she smiles at him . . . . So the next day the phone rang and a sweet voice asked for Tootsie-wootsie. The only trouble was Mrs. Tootsie-w’ootsie answered the phone . . . . Immediately my wife and I had words—but I never got to use mine . . . . Not that she’s unreasonable—she knows there are two sides to every argument— her side and her mother’s . . . . It was with great ell'ort that I kept my temper but I remembered that every book of etiquette said, Never Hit A Woman With Your Hat On . . . . and she had just pulled it over my eyes . . . . But I can truthfully say in five years of married life we haven’t had a single fight in the house—we always do it in subways and restaurants . . . . Amidst all this turmoil a blessed event arrived . . . . our laundry finally came back . . . . and with, it clothed

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in nothing but an old beer rag, was Junior . . . . I guess this was because we read that English newspaper so much. You know, the one that believes in a baby every day—The London Daily Mail . . . . I decided then to learn baby-care from the bottom up . . . . or should I say it was forced upon me . . . . My wife had an ingenious idea at that time. She used to keep the baby in a high crib so that she could hear him if be fell out . . . . But years have gone by and now Junior is older and because of that we’re going to have to move from the house we’re living in. I don’t like Junior crossing that busy thoroughfare. Come to think of it, I don’t like Junior . . . . But then disaster struck our happy home. My wife continually mum­ bled in her sleep and so I was forced to send her home to mutter . . . . Angrily she applied for a divorce. When the judge wanted to know why she wanted to leave me she said, “Well, before we were married he said he’d die for me—and he hasn’t” . . . . At that point I began to wonder if she still loved me . . . . At any rate I’m now paying alimony— that’s the high cost of leaving . . . . and learning how to live alone and be glad of it. MY SUMMER VACATION or LOOSE LIVING TAKES ITS TOLL After a hectic year of fast women and slow horses, I decided I needed a rest so I began looking over the resort ads in the (local newspaper). Some of them are really priceless. One of them went something like this — “Relax at Ossining Rest — every room with a view of the river. . . . you’ll like it so much you won’t be able to leave . . . . More bai's than any other resort!” . . . . Then there was another one that read — “Lost Weekend Lodge — Dee Teese-on-tlie-Hudson . . . . Even the surroundings are familiar . . . . Fresh fish, fresh waiters, even the telephones talk back” . . . . The one I finally went to was a little hotel that’s half Catholic and half Jewish. It’s called the Saint Levy Hotel . . . . It’s the only place where you can lead a double life in a single room . . . All their guests were named Mr. and Mrs. Smith . . . . They featured rooms with hot and cold running women . . . It is located in a little town out west where men are men and women are reasonable . . . I say little because the town was so small the city limit signs were back to back . . . Their favorite sport there is broad jumping . . . In the lobby of the hotel they have an ori­ ental rug with a far eastern smell . . . When they first brought it in even the termites walked out . . . They have a policy of advertising famous plays on their bath towels. On mine was the title, “You Can’t Take It With You” . . . . One day I was going up to my room and I forgot where it was. I opened a door and there was a girl taking a bath. I was so embarrassed I just stood there and apolo­ gized—for two hours . . . . When the manager came in I was in hot water up to my neck . . . At any rate, I know what they mean when they say people go to summer hotels for a change and a rest. The bellboys got the change and the hotels got the rest.

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MY DAY 1 was walking clown the street the other day when I saw a huge sign saving, “DO YOU WANT A WAY TO BEAT THE INCOME TAX? DO YOU WANT A DODGE?” I ran right inside and said to the man standing there, “Yes, I want a dodge.” And before I knew it I had bought a car . . . . It’s one of those five passenger models. One drives and four push . . . . It’s so old that even the hair 011 the upholstery is turning grey . . . . Everything makes noise but the horn . . . . On my first trip they sent a sales girl along with me to see if the car ran all-right. The car shifted so easily and smoothly it was a pleasure to drive it until she ask me to take my hand oil' her knee . . . . I don’t know if the car ran all-right but I know she did . . . . Just then I ran into, a car driven by a woman. I always try to give a woman driver half the road. Only I never can tell which half sho wants . . . . I told her justi wliat I thought of her until her hus­ band got out of the car and then I realized that it was nothing to get angry about . . . . Not that I was afraid, mind you. I could have licked him with one hand—but I couldn’t gel him to fight with one hand . . . . But ’when I got through with him he was all covered with blood—my blood . . . . I should have followed that old proverb, Never Hit A Man When He’s Down—he might get back up again . . . . I felt so sick I went to see Doctor Gillespie. I sat through the picture three times and he didn’t even examine me . . . But finally I did get to see a doctor. What I don’t like is the way they always speak of a doctor as “practicing medicine” . . . . I was a little nervous because it was the first time I had ever gone to a doctor. I had always gotten plenty of exercise. Once a week I go to a horror show and let my flesh creep . . . . He told me it would be better if I avoided all forms of excitement I looked at him astonished. “You mean I can’t even look at them from across the street?” I protested . . . . He gave me a prescription to take and believe me it was the worse tasting paper I have ever eaten . . . . I also took three bottles of vitamin pills and don’t think that’s easy. Those bottles get stuck in my throat . . . . The doctor finally said I had to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to go—my mother went once and look what happened . . . . I did go though, and after two days there I took a turn for the nurse . . . . I shouldn’t have complained. There was a fellow next to me who had been operated on so many times he looked like a slot machine . . . . They said they Were going to operate 011 . him once more to sec if they could hit the jack-pot . . . . I had been staying up every night trying to find out what was the matter with me. Then came the day when I found out—not enough sleep . . . . It’s a wonder I ever got out of that hospital. Everytime I thought of what it was costing me I got sick again . . . . But I’ll never forget the day I. shot a wild elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never k n o w ........... One day I was feeling down in the dumps so I went to the theatre. When I get down in the dumps I usually get a new woman. The only trouble is, the city dumps are running out of them . . . . There was another magician in the show but from where I sat the

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act was just a rumor . . . . I was so high up I was getting spirit messages . . . . The usher took me up as far as the last halcony and then said, “You’ll have (o go the rest of the way by yourself. From here on my nose always bleeds” . . . Finally I got seated and asked the fellow next to me what he thought of the show. “What show?” he said, “I’m flying the mail to Boston” . . . . My mother-in-law would have liked to have seen the show but she didn’t want to stand that long. The seats were too small for her . . . . She has a very pecidiar shape for a woman—or a man . . . . or a horse . . . . Some women look like the figure eight. She looks more like the figure eighty-eight . . . . For years she didn’t know where her husband spent his evenings. One night she came home early—and there he Avas . . . . Gold is about the only thing she hasn’t panned . . . . But she died just the other day and gaAT e me this (point to a ring on your finger) diamond ring as a remembrance. Look at that thing sparkle! She didn’t exactly give it to me. Just before she died she said, “Here’s three hundred dollars. Buy the best stone you can find”—Well, this is it! WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY CRY “ENCORE!” (In many cases this is an extremely rare occurrence but one should always be prepared for it. If you work in front of an orchestra, this bit is perfect. Without an orchestra it may be used Avitli the rest of the people in your show or even the audience themselves. Simply introduce each of them in turn and then use the following remarks about them to their best advantage. Try to fit the gags to the person’s appearance and personality. Also try to give the impression that your remarks are completely ad-lib and your audience reaction will double itself.) Thank you, thank you very much folks, but I know that more than half of that applause belongs to (bandleader’s name) and his boys. (Point to leader and lead the applause for him.) He really deserves all the credit in the Avorld for lie’s a savcII felloAv and a great musi­ cian. Why even at the early age of three he used to play on. the lin­ oleum ......... In college he majored in music and on the side Avas a halfback in football—and left back in studies..........Even his girl friend knew he was musically inclined by the Avay he used to keep fiddling Avith her garter........ One day he heard a girl singing in the bath-tub in the next room and A v o u l d you belieA'e it he l o v e d music so much he put his ear to the kev-liole......... it says here........... I looked through a key-hole once and A vas I embarrassed! I saw an­ other eye.........And he’s really got a talented bunch Avith him. In fact Im going to introduce them to you: This is--------- . He used to be a holdup man before the A var. He s o l d b r a s s i e r e s ......... He r e a l l y l o v e s n a t u r e —in s p i t e o f A v h a t i t d i d t o h i m . . . . He’s a n o u t d o o r m a n . All d a y l o n g h e d o e s n o th in g b u t h u n t a n d d r in k . All h e e v e r b u n t s f o r i s a d r i n k ............... And here Ave haA e ------------ . He’s so lazy the only time he opens his mouth is to put something into i t ........ He made a fortune

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getting around women. He used to be a corset manufacturer . . . . He lived oil' the fat of the land so to speak . . . . His name is ---------- . He had a girl friend who treated him just like dirt — always hid him under the bed . . . . She used to call him Santa Claus because he couldn’t keep his hands off her stockings . . . . Then they married and now lie’s so henpecked, every night the dog lakes him for a walk . . . . His name i s -------- . All through his adolescence they told him about the birds and tbe bees but it didn’t do him any good—he doesn’t know any birds or bees . . . He’s so shy that when he was out with his girl and the lights went out he spent the rest of the evening repairing the fuse . . . . This fellow’s name is ---------- The music business is just a sideline with him. He runs a jewelry shop in a Reno hotel. Makes his profit by renting wedding rings . . . . This Adonis is called ----------. He’s so egotistical he has a mirror on the ceiling of his bathroom so that he can watch himself gargle . . . . He thinks he has a clear conscience, actually it’s just a poor memory . . . . They also used to have a piccolo player but he got locked up for being an early bird. He wras caught in a bank before it opened . . . . It’s a shame because his brother starved to death last week. He was a pick-pocket who got stranded in a nudist colony.......... IDEAS How would you like to do the perfect vent act without know­ ing the slightest thing about ventriloquism? It’s very simple if you want to go to a little trouble. Have a record made of your voice and have an assistant handy backstage with a phonograph hooked up to the theatre’s amplification system. Announce that you believe you have perfected the most perfect ventriloquism technique in the history of the theatre; that you can throw your voice wihout the slightest movement of your lips. Give them a demonstration by keeping your mouth shut and having your assistant play a bit of the record. You can use a few of the routines given in this book for the material used on the record. If the sound system is any good at a'l they will not catch on. Then announce the fact that you Avill throw your voice while drinking a glass of water. Again have your assistant play the record. Then for your final feat declare, that for the first time in the history of mankind, you will sing a duet with yourself. Sing in harmony to your recorded voice. They will now realize that a record is being used, and to play up the comedy here, after one chorus of your song have a groove cut in the record so that it will repeat itself. At this point your act is completely given away so play your em­ barrassment to the hilt. You can cut a groove in the record very easily with a razor blade but be sure to cut through just one ridge or you will spoil the entire record.

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Variations on this idea are limitless. You can do a comedy routine of talking to yourself, or perfect imitations of leading singers, actors, etc., by just moving your lips and Jetting their records do the work. It is really a hilarious stunt and one well worth the trouble it lakes to perform. The cost is negligible as these home­ made records can be made for just a few dollars. How many times have you produced an egg and to prove it real have merely broken it into a glass? If you are using a boy from the audience you can really have a comedy finish by placing a bottom­ less glass in his hand and cracking the egg into it. It will look legit­ imate for a moment until he cries out and lifts the glass revealing a mass of yellow goo on his hand. This may even be worked with adults but be sure you are in no danger of spoiling their clothes and be sure they are good-natured. The latter is extremely important. Always have a towel handy to clean the egg off their hand. For a handy side table that takes up no space at all use Ihe suit­ case in which you carry your equipment. Obtain a ilat, square board that fits into the bottom of the suitcase. When you wish to use this impromptu table merely stand the suitcase on end and open it in the form of a V with the point facing the audience. Place the board upon the open halves of the case and throw your table cover over it. This not only presents a smart appearance, but it is sturdy enough to hold the heaviest of your apparatus. OPENINGS (Use these to start off your act, and then work them into any of your longer routines.) Attention!! I’ve been requested by the management to ask if thereliT anyone her(Twlu>TfasTost a roll oTlnlTs^viHi a rubber band around them? (Wait for your response from the audience.) Well, Tfound the rubber band'TT. . Ah, yes! We’re having all new jokes tonight—tonight the corn is green . . . . My real name is (full name) but everybody calls me (nick name). Everybody, that is, except the people I owe money to . . . . I’m very glad to be working here tonight though. In fact, I’m very glad to be working anywhere tonight . . . . Don’t laugh folks, wait till you see the rest of my act . . . . This is Be Kind To Dumb Animals Week so I’d like to announce that all the proceeds I receive for this engagement will be donated to the horses at (local race-track) . . . . And before we begin I must caution you ladies to please watch your language. There’s a sailor in the house ........ Good evening ladies and gentlemen: I want to thank you for your warm and generous welcome. Now that you’ve clapped you can put your hands back in each other’s pockets . . . . I never thought I would leave America, but here I am . . . . Seriously though, (your location) is a swell place. I like the way it is laid out. I don’t know how long it’s been dead but it certainly is laid out swell . . . . But I know a lot of nice people who come from ---------•.

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In fact, the nicer they are the quicker they come from --------. . . . I’ll never forget the first time I played here. I didn’t have a nickel in my pocket but now—now I have a nickel in my pocket . . . . Just a few minutes ago they told me women were a dime a dozen in this town. And just think, all this time I’ve been squandering my money on gum-drops . . . . But I just want you to settle down and relax. Remember, some clubs take you to Havana, some take you to Algiers, but this club is different. We just take you . . . . I’m what is^called a miracle worker— that’s because it’s a miracle whenTwork .'. . ."'But willryour permission I should like to attempt a lew experiments in the field of legerdermain---Good evening folks! You probably haven’t seen me around these parts lately. I’ve been in Mexico the past five years. Do von think it’s safe to register for the draft now? . . . . I guess you can tell I’m a well-traveled man by this suit I’m wearing. It comes from England. The manufacturer in Britain sells it to the middle­ man who ships it here and sells it to an American wholesaler. He sells it to the retail shop that sold it to me. What puzzles me, is how so many people can make a living out of a suit I haven’t even paid for yet . . . . But the theatre’s paying me, and so my first effect will be---CLOSINGS (Tack any one of them onto the end of your act for a smooth closing.) Well, I’ll have to go now. It’s the children’s night off and I have to go home to take care of the nurse . . . . Incidentally, I pay her hush money every week. She’s the one who keeps the baby quiet . . . . And now I am going to say five words that will make me dis­ appear entirely. Thank 5T ou and good night. You’ve been such a swell audience that I’d like to teach you a little parlor trick that you’ll be able to fool your friends with. Would you like that? (Wait for audience response.) Well, I want you to do this right along with me. Take out your pocket handkerchief. (At the same time, take out your own handkerchief.) Now, fold it into a triangle. (As you do this though fold the handkerchief in half. Do this Tso that they can sec it and they, flunking you have made a mistake, will follow your actions.) Then fold it into another triangle. (Again fold it in half.) Now once again I’m going to fold it into a triangle. (This time actually fold it into a triangle.) Fooled you, didn’t I? (This may seem corny, but it always gets a big laugh.) Now grasp the center of the long end by the tips of your fingers and hold your arm outstretched with the handkerchief below your fin­ gers. Quickly move your arm up and down. (As you instruct them, go through the motions yourself. Let them move their hands for a few seconds.) Well, g’bye now! (Shake your handkerchief at them as you leave the stage. They will get a big laugh out of this unusual ending and will remember it long after they have forgot­ ten the rest of your magic.)

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INTRODUCTIONS (Nowadays a performer must be versatile. In addition to doing his own act at times he is railed upon to act as host or master of cere­ monies. These little introductions will help those in need of suit­ able material for such occasions.) (For the male entertainer) AVe have here tonight a man who has made quite a name for himself—but I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you what that name is . . . . He’s just played all the leading cities—Chicago, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Brooklyn . . . . also many of the famous night clubs ■ —The Brown Derby, The Latin Quarter, The Diamond Horseshoe, Joe’s Chop House . . . . and only recently he was held over for six months at Sing Sing . . . . He’s a little nervous tonight. Had a blessed event in his house. (Wait for applause) His mother-in-law went home . . , . And so, I bring you the world’s greatest magician, spiritualist, hypnotist, psychologist, showman — (Use appropriate titles for the individual concerned) and the man who wrote this introduction— (his n a m e )............ (For the male vocalist) Due to conditions beyond our control, Mr. (his name), who was originally scheduled to be heard at this time-— will be heard . . . . Mr. --- —--- is a baritone (change this for the person involved) and when he is at his best, his voice has been, compared to that of a human being . . . . He has made many pictures. Some were in technicolor—the others had plots . . . . In fact, he can be seen at the Paramount Theatre any night — scraping the gum off the seats . . . . and so we bring you, at no great expense to the manage­ ment ---- ----- . (For the female vocalist) And next we have that lovely singer of songs (her name). (Have her come out beside you). It’s no wonder your voice comes out so well, look where it’s been . . . . I like the way she sings though—like a telephone operator—every line is busy . . . . She’s really just ninety per-cent perfect—the other ten per-cent belongs to her agent . . . . But (o he a great singer, one must have poise, charm, a vibrant personality, a sparkling voice—but that’s enough about me . . . . here’s --------- . WHAT TO DO IF A TRICK GOES WRONG (And they do y’know. The best course of action is to hurry on to your next effect. However, in most cases this is slightly awkward unless some joke smooths the way. Here is a liberal selection of them and I would advise you to memorize them so that they will always be ready to ease you out of bad situations. Just use any one or a combination of a few of them, announce your next effect,

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and before you know it harmony is established. Incidentally, these may be also used by M. C.’s when a gag lays a particularly bad egg or you pull a boner of some sort.) I slept on a pool table last night and now I’m all balled up. The last house I did that trick in said they were going to hang a sign on the door to show that nobody had forgotten the wonderful performance I gave. I went back last week and saw the sign they put up. Can anyone tell me what Fumigated means? The last time I did that trick even the ushers walked out. I don’t have to do this for a living. I could starve to death. I’m so unlucky, that if I sawed a woman in half I’d get the half that eats. Something like this could drive a normal man crazy—you can just imagine what it does to me. No applause please—just give me a ten yard head start. We will now pause for one minute of respectful silence in memory of the trick that just died. Don’t laugh at me folks. I didn’t pay the (admission price) to get in. HECKLERS (That one word usually sends more chills up and down the spine of an entertainer than anything else. They are probably the most dan­ gerous of all his annoyances however, for should they get the better of him he is through in the eyes of his audience. Therefore, I have compiled what I believe is the most complete assortment of antiliecklcr gags in magical literature. I have also included one little routine that can be used if the fellow is exceptionally troublesome. Remember, always keep your temper 110 matter what your feelings may be, for this type of person receives pleasure from jrour discom­ fort. To date though, I have never come across any that could sur­ vive a liberal dose of the following one-liners.) I don’t know what I’d do without you—and I’d rather . . . . His friends call him Webster because words can’t describe him . . . . When he was ten, lie killed hitTmother ~~aml 'lather so that he could go to an orphan’s picnic . . . . He went to a mind-reader the other day and was only charged half-price . . . . The only reason he got married was because somebody gave him free tickets to Niagara Falls . . . . Now lie’s been niitrried for ten years and his wife hasn’t let him say a word. So tonight hc’s_making up for lost time . . . . HF used to be u Fight rope walker Tnit he lost his job. Re was always tighter than the rope . . . . Just look at him and remember it’s all-right to drink like a fish but drink what a fish drinks . . . . I~guess lie’s used to it by now though. He’s been thrown “out of so many places he wears nothing but grey to match the color of the sidewalks..........

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(If this doesn’t stop him, just take a deep breath and keep going.) I’ve seen better looking pans under ice-boxes. Close your mouth — you’re catching tlies. He’s as loud as a Christmas tie and just about as useful. I’ve only got five minutes to make a fool of myself — you’ve got all night and a head start besides. I’d horsewhip you — if I had a horse. Why bother me while I’m working? Do I come down to your gar­ bage wagon and take away your shovel? I was about to give an imitation of a jackass — blithe beat me to it. Why not pretend you’re a vacant room and make yourself scarce? That’s a nice suit you have 011 there Jack — it’s the first time I ever saw a gunny sack with shoulder pads. The way lie’s nursing that drink he must be drinking from an hour glass. When snakes get drunk they see him. I get paid for making a fool of myself — he does it for nothing. He looks like my dear departed brother— two years after he departed. Hey, can you hear me back there? I can hear you. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception. The last time I saw a head like yours it was in a; bag of oats. He’s a man of a few words—but be keeps repeating them. If he had his life to live over again — he wouldn’t. He uses oil 011 his hair and everything seems to slip off his mind. That guy could make some girl a lucky widow. This is the first time I ever saw one pair of shoes with three heels. I knew a guy once who looked just like you. He was a professional blind date. Why don’t you stick to being a moron? Did anyone in your family die recently? (Wait for liis negative answer.) Well, why don’t you go home and break the monotony? (If a penny is thrown at you by a heckler) There’s only one kind of an animal that throws a scent. Is that your original face or a retread? He must have bought that suit by accident. It fits him like a bandage. When he was born something terrible happened — he lived. You have thirty-two teeth. Do you want to try for none? (These are reserved for the female of the species) She’s got a face that looks as if it wore out six bodies. Get a load of that hat! How can I get laughs with you wearing that? Lady, would you like it if I came over to your house while you were working and put out your red light? Oh, hello there, I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on. THE CHILDREN’S SHOW HECKLER The problem of the brat at a children’s show who continually heckles your act is one that has caused many grey hairs to appear on the heads of many of our erstwhile magicians. The sizzling oneliners are valueless for they are far above the child’s ability to under­

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stand, and the threat of removal from the hall or auditorium is had for both the performer and the people who are sponsoring the entertainment. If possible, it is best to ridicule the young heckler in a food-natured way, but if this doesn’t stop him I have found that this little stratagem will. Ask him if he will assist you in a trick and have him come up on the stage. If he is the braggart he claims to be he will take you up on this. Once on the stage ask him to hold his palms face up and towards you. Announce that you are now going to do a trick utilizing two glasses of water. Place one glass, filled with water, on one palm and another on his other palm. The boy is now standing there with his hands outstretched holding the glasses of water. Go right on with your act and forget about him completely. lie cannot place the glasses down without spilling or breaking them and his position will grow funnier and funnier as his arms grow tired. Never play this out too much but when you see his arms are growing weary take the glasses from him and thank him for his cooperation. It is wise to give him some souvenir to make his humiliation, easier to swallow. At any rate, I doubt if he will attempt any more heckling that day. MISCELLANEOUS PATTER (I would have liked to classify the following in some way, but after long hours of thought I came to the1conclusion that it was impossi­ ble. The bits that I group under the general heading of Miscellan­ eous Patter are all situation gags. They have to be used at a certain time in your routine for their maximum effectiveness. If you are supposed to be a comedian, you must never drop out of character. No matter what you do or what has happened to you, a funny remark must be the result. Therefore, pay spccial attention to the following pattei' bits for while the comedy routines are the basic stock of your act these scraps are the polish that makes it shine.) In countless effects you are called upon to invoke the aid of the supernatural. Use this line instead of the stock hokum: “And now I’ll summon the spirits to aid me — Calverts, Three Feathers, Schenleys, Hague &Hague.” In presenting a card effect say, “My next trick requires 52 pieces of apparatus,” then take out your deck of cards. As a follow up you may say, “I want to be sure there are 52 cards here.” Hold the deck to your ear and riffle once with your thumb. Take one of the cards out and throw it away as you say, “Nope, fifty-three.” Now as you fan the cards for a spectator to take one ask him, “Do you know one card from another?” He will claim he does so ask him, “What’s the other?” As an assistant from the audience is leaving the stage ask him, “Do you drink?” If he says yes then follow up with, “Well, here are some straws,” and produce two straws from your vest pocket. Occasionally somebody from the audience begins asking embar­ rassing questions that you cannot help but acknowledge. An easy way to laugh it off is to answer, “That’s a reasonable question, and

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it deserves a reasonable answer. Too bad I can’t think of one.” I found out thouigh the funnier your patter, the less the audience cares about how you do the trick. While doing manipulations declare, “I want to call attention to the fact that at no time do my fingers leave my hands.” After an exceptionaly good laugh — “I should be on the stage.” If you are working before a particularly cold audience wake them up with — “What is this? A cemetery with neon lights? . . . . I know there are people out there. I can hear you breathing.” . . . . If you do rope tricks I think you will like Frank Kelly’s open­ ing. Come out on the stage holding a card case in your hand and begin. “As a magician, I am going to try to fool you at every opportunity, so I am warning you now lo watch me very closely. For my first effect, I am going to do a ------ rope trick.” While you are talking, hold the card case in your hand and as you begin the second sentence start lo open it. As you reach the pause in your patter, dig your fingers into the box and as you say “rope trick” draw a piece of rope from the case. Smile at the audience and quip, “See, I’ve fooled you already.” The spectators, confident that you will draw a pack of cards from the case, will enjoy this quickie immensely. As an alternate rope opening you may come out 011 the stage holding a piece of rope in your hand. Look at it and say, “I’ve been carrying this rope for two hours now. I can’t decide whether I found a piece of rope or lost a cow.” In the middle of a routine stop and say, “I’ll bet, when I first came out here, you thought I was going to be lousy.” How to treat applause is an art in itself. If you wish to increase the volume of the applause you’ve been getting, be positive in your movements. When you end a trick end it with a snap and then step forward and bow. You’d be surprised what a harvest of ap­ plause this will bring in comparison to a rather uncertain smile at the conclusion of an effect. A lot of laughs can be garnered from the vagaries of an audience’s applause. Occasionally, after a joke one person will burst into hand-clapping. Always greet this indi­ vidual with the words, “Thanks mother.” If only a few applaud, “Thank you—both of you.” If a gag receives a really good hand beam a bright smile at your audience and comment, “I admire your taste.” This may be alternated with putting up your hand as a round of applause begins and saying, “Don’t applaud—I deserve it.” It’s good old golden bantam but it still reaps laughs. At New Year’s shows or parties somebody with a horn will occasionally break up your act by blowing it while you are per­ forming. Caution him, “Don’t blow that horn, you’ll show up the orchestra.” If a fat lady in your audience is enjoying your gags and her laughter is calling attention to herself, quip, “I love to see her laugh — so much of her has a good time.” If a member of your audience is giving you a little trouble by his ceaseless talking, call out to him, “I’m sorry I wras making so much noise —I didn’t quite catch what you were saying.2’ (Walter

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Coleman uses this effectively in all his shows.) If you are exceptionally tired and show it, remark, “I was so tired last night I fell asleep in the bath-tub with the water running. Good thing I always sleep with my mouth open or it would have overflowed” .........Or as an alternative, “My valet quit this morning and I am so fatigued—I took a bath and didn’t have anyone to push my boat back to me in the tub.” When someone in the audience ostentatiously leaves while you are in the midst of your act say, “I’d better work faster, they’re walking out on me . . . . Don’t leave now — I get better as I go along . . . . Remember, I never forget a back . . . . (If he keeps going) All-right, as the landlady said when the boarder left her house, “Go—and never darken my bath-tub again!’ ” If an assistant from the audience is a bald-headed gentleman comment, “Boy, that’s what I call a head of skin . . . . He must have gotten caught in a hair raid . . . . Well, hair today and gone tomorrow.” (This also may be used on a heckler possessing a shiny pate.) If you produce a rabbit in any wrav tell this little story: Do you see this rabbit? I found him in a very strange manner. One day I opened my refrigerator and found him sitting comfortably inside eating a carrot. “And what might you be doing in there?” I asked. “Doesn’t it say WESTINGHOUSE on the outside of this icebox?” he replied. Well, I’se westing!” If you are suffering from a cold, explain it in either of these two ways. “I caught an awful chill at a burlesque show the other night. The guy in back of me kept yelling, Take it off! Take it off!’ and I couldn’t disappoint him.” OR “I’ve got a terrible cold. I took a bath the other day naked . . . . I usually take them wearing my long winter underwear but I couldn’t do that this time— they weren’t dirty.” If you are suffering from a toothache: “When I was a kid I never.even moved when the dentist pulled a tooth. But I’d look silly in a straight-jacket and chains now . . . . Every time I go to him now he gives me mustard gas. He says it goes well with ham.” If you arc in need of a shave excuse yourself in this manner: “I was going to get a shave before I came on but the barber shops around here are really awful. I went to one the other day and they had a sign saying ‘Shaves 15 and 25c!’ So I asked the barber what the difference was between the fifteen and the twenty-five cent shaves. He said, ‘With the twenty-five cent shave we give you bandages!’ .......... I ordered the fifteen cent shave and asked him for a razor — I figured at least I could defend myself.” If you are still using either Framed or Rabbit-Rise here is a good opening for it: “This picture was handed down to me by my grandfather — he was still on the ladder when the police came . . . . He said he was a painter and that he specialized in painting women — but I didn’t think he meant on rest room doors But we finally found a place for this picture — the only trouble is, it won’t match the tile.”

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THE printing of this little verse Will keep this book from getting worse For if I went on you would curse— Perhaps I’d wind up in a hearse. I’ve told you all the gags I know, And so I think I’d better blow; About my jokes I will not crow, I only hope they bring me dough. And if you use them wisely too, Your patter worries will be through; Your audiences won’t be blue — Your creditors won’t try to sue. You’ll finally leave that well-known stew And mighty feats you then will do; Until that day will come to you, When I’ll come up and borrow two.