Giaw-converstation-skills.pdf

Getting Inside A Woman

Getting Inside A Woman Conversation and Connection Skills

By Liz Leia

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Getting Inside A Woman

Contents

Page #

Introduction .............................................................................................................. 3

Chapter 1: Body Language (Over 50% Of Your Communication)........................ 6

Chapter 2: Approach Skills ................................................................................... 10

Chapter 3: Flirting Skills ........................................................................................ 14

Chapter 4: Communication Skills ......................................................................... 23

Chapter 6: Conversation Skill: The Art of “Small Talk” ...................................... 29

Chapter 6: Connection Skills ................................................................................ 38

Chapter 7: Setting Up A Date ................................................................................ 46

Chapter 8: Phone, Text and Email Skills .............................................................. 50

Chapter 9: Keeping The First Date Fun................................................................ 57

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Introduction A few years ago, I was out at a bar with a friend, and across the room I spotted one of the hottest guys I‟ve ever seen. On my way to get another drink, I “accidentally” bumped into him. When he turned to look at me, I gave him my cutest smile and said, “Oops, excuse me.” He grinned ear to ear and slurred something about the virtues of Southern Comfort (the alcohol). I immediately lost interest. More recently, I was out in Hollywood when a gorgeous man touched my shoulder and said, “Wow, if I wasn‟t gay, you‟d so be mine.” My heart sank—here was this total hottie shooting down any chance he had with me by using a line out of the book The Game, thereby demonstrating that he‟s terrified to express any original thoughts. The first time you meet, approach, attract, and connect with a woman will set the standard for every interaction you have with her after that. And it‟s not all about your appearance. You also better be able to talk to her in a way that will draw her in, make her feel not just attracted but also comfortable with you. A quality woman will not sleep with a guy who simply “games” her with routines that make him appear alpha. Without comfort, trust, and a genuine sense that you and she are actually connecting in a special way, she‟s not going to fully give herself to you. In Conversation and Connection Skills, you‟ll learn how to easily approach, flirt, converse, and connect with a woman without any lines or gimmicks.

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Before we dive in, here are two concepts I want to start you off with. 1. Forget “What” and focus on “How.” How often do you wonder… What does a woman want a guy to do when he approaches? What do I say to her? What do I talk about? What do I do to make her attracted to me? I encourage you not to get caught up in conversation subject matter or specific actions. The content of what you talk about means very little when it comes to creating attraction. I actually have a guy friend who went out one night and experimented with this. He went up to women and with confidence and masculine presence said, “Blah, blah, blah…” He walked away that night with several phone numbers and dates lined up. Most guys wonder what to say—not realizing that good conversation, attraction, and connection is created through how you say it. For a woman, everything is a love story. One night stands are “hot, naughty flings.” Approaches are “the first time we met.” Women romanticize everything, even if it‟s on an unconscious level, and so you need to know how to play into that in order to create attraction and connection. In order to converse with a woman in a way that will spark attraction, you need to be able to: 

Be confident



Flirt



Connect Emotionally

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If you can do those things, then it doesn’t matter what you talk about, so for Pete‟s sake, please do not roll out some fake story about you saving a cat from a burning building! This brings me to…

2. Be Yourself. Really. In my personal one-on-one coaching programs, I teach my clients how to be truly authentic. This is one of the key components of creating a connection with a woman. Why create a connection? Because most pick-up techniques talk about how to create attraction. Creating only attraction might be sufficient for drunk girls with low self-esteem that you meet in some club downtown, but for the kind of quality woman that you want, it‟s not enough. You need to also create a genuine connection with her before she will open up and give herself to you sexually. Attraction is created through polarity—the opposites of masculine and feminine combining to create sparks. Connection

is

created

through

similarities,

commonalities,

and

shared

experiences. You need to have both before you can take things to the next level with a quality woman. In the chapters ahead, I will tell you what you need to know to create both attraction and connection with a woman through how you communicate with her.

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Chapter 1: Your Body Language (Over 50% of Your Communication) Have you ever watched someone give a speech where they paced or fidgeted the entire time? It didn‟t matter how powerful his or her words were; all you heard was anxiety and weakness, right? Some studies have shown that about 55% of what we communicate to other people is through our body language. That means that you‟ve already told a woman the majority of how attractive you are before you even open your mouth. Tone of voice constitutes of about 38% of communication, leaving only 7% of communication being the actual words. That’s why it matters very little what—and very much how--you communicate to a woman. The best way to get confident body language is to actually work on building your confidence. When you actually have confidence, you body will naturally move in a way that projects that, and you won‟t need to do anything else or even think about anything else in order to walk and move in a way that is confident and attractive. The process of building up true confidence can be pretty complex, and everyone has a different path to get there, so for now I‟m just going to give you two techniques that you can use to adopt confident body language instantly, and whenever you want. 1. Modeling: The Confident Stance Walk like John Wayne. Walk like James Bond. Walk like an Egyptian (just kidding on that last one). Modeling basically means that if someone else can do it, you can do it. If you understand what another person is doing both consciously and unconsciously— meaning, their physiology, their thoughts, and beliefs—and you adopt those for

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yourself, then you will be able to have the results that they do. So, find a man that has the kind of confident body language that you want, and discover how he does it. You can also refer to my bonus Movie List, where I‟ve listed some movies that show good examples of strong, attractive, masculine body language. Even though you won‟t know their thoughts and beliefs, you can still do your best to imagine what those thoughts and beliefs might be and go from there. The great thing about modeling another man‟s confident body language is that when you adopt the physical stance of confidence, you will actually feel more confident. Your mind and emotions will shift when your body shifts. In fact, try this: slump down in your chair, look down, take shallow breaths, and frown. Now, try to feel happy. Feels weird, right? Now sit up straight, look up, take full, deep breaths, and smile, and then try to feel sad. It‟s easier to feel happy when you smile, right? When you stand, walk, sit, and move in a way that is masculine and confident, your state will shift to match that. So modeling will not only give you confident body language, it will also actually help you feel more confident in the moment.

2. “Just Pretend” This is my personal favorite “instant confidence” technique. You literally just pretend that you are the most confident, sexiest, most attractive, most powerful guy in the room. Of course, you might not really be that guy, but just pretend that you are.

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The reason why I like this technique so much is that I stumbled upon it years ago, before I even knew what NLP was, and it worked better than I ever thought it could. I was at a club where everyone was dressed up—everyone but me. I had just moved to Los Angeles and, not realizing how dressed up women get here, I went to a TV Pilot screening party in jeans, a sweater, and sneakers. Every other woman there was a model or actress (or both) and they were all in cute dresses and high heels. Ever feel like you are totally invisible, and at the same time like everyone is staring at you? Yeah, that‟s how I felt. Nobody was checking me out, nobody was hitting on me. Even the friends I came with had disappeared into the crowd. I was totally lost and alone. I decided to do an experiment. I decided to see what would happen if I pretended I was the sexiest girl in the room. Now the star of this TV Pilot was there, and I swear she was Scarlett Johansson‟s twin, and she commanded all the attention in the room. Clearly she was actually the sexiest woman in the room, but for purposes of experimentation, I decided to ignore that fact and pretend it was me. For the rest of the night, men came out of the woodwork and chatted me up left and right. Several men that had been talking to Scarlett‟s twin left her and bee-lined for me across the room. Now look, I know you might be thinking, “Wow Liz, guys hitting on you, big surprise. That happens to every pretty girl, even the ones in jeans and sneakers.” True. But the proof isn‟t in the fact that guys were hitting on me. The proof is in how everything changed when I started pretending I was the sexiest person there. See, before, when I was acting like I wasn‟t worth talking to, nobody talked to me.

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When I was pretending that I was the sexiest woman there, everyone started treating me like I was the sexiest one there. Here‟s why pretending works so well. When you pretend, you fire off the same unconscious neurology as if it were actually true. That means that if you pretend you are the most attractive and powerful man in the room, you will naturally start to walk, move, speak, and feel like you actually are the most attractive and powerful man in the room. Pretending also gets the negative self talk to shut the f-- up. It will be appeased by the fact that, of course, you aren‟t actually attractive, you still do suck, you still can‟t measure up to these other guys (and whatever other bullsh*t you tell yourself), but it‟s just pretend, so it‟s ok. Because it‟s “just pretend,” your doubts and fears will concede to let you act confident, powerful, and attractive in the moment. By the way, if you feel skeptical about modeling or pretending as a way to be confident, good. You should. These are quick fix techniques to help you feel and act more confident in the moment, not a long term solution to actually give you natural and real confidence. To get natural, real confidence, you need to actually work on removing and releasing your negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. What I like about these techniques, though, is that they give you tools that you can use any time. I still use the “just pretend” technique when I have moments of weakness and insecurity, and it‟s always an effective way to instantly change how I‟m feeling and being. When you meet a woman, and even before you approach her, you need to be in this confident, powerful, masculine state. These techniques will get you there so that you can then focus on flirting and creating a connection with her.

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Chapter 2: Approach Skills I was waiting in the hotel lobby for a friend when he approached me. He strode over with confidence and said, “Hi, I saw you standing over here and I just had to come and meet you.” I was instantly attracted. Think it‟s not supposed to work that way? That you can‟t be that direct? I‟ve heard dozens of similar stories from other women—the more direct the approach, the sexier it is. Most approach skills taught in the PUA community have the intention of tricking a woman into thinking she‟s not being hit on. Why the heck would you want to do that?! One of the greatest joys a woman can have is the experience of being able to pull a man across the room to her simply by her beauty and radiance. Single women roam this earth hoping to be approached and seduced. It‟s one of our single greatest desires. Ok, I know, the fact that we get hit on 20 times a day kinda takes the wind out of the sails, and that‟s where these more stealth approaches have merit. However, I want you to know that women want to be approached by attractive men. I‟m not talking about tall, dark, and handsome. I‟m talking about confident, masculine, and authentic. I was walking down the street, headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and a man stopped me on the street. „Hi, I saw you walking my way and I just had to meet you.” He was creepy, and I mumbled something about being in a hurry and walked on as quickly as I could. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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It‟s not what you say—it‟s how you say it. And most importantly, it’s who you are when you say it. 99% of men that hit on us suck. They are not confident, they are not masculine, and they are not authentic. They are needy little wuss-bags who are desperate to get laid. Women are very in tune to a man who just wants a piece of ass. That‟s why showing sexual interest gets a bad reputation—most men just want a place to unload a certain bodily fluid, and most women aren‟t exactly lining up for the job of “depository.” This is why most PUAs go the stealth route, and why most well-intentioned men are scared to telegraph any kind of sexual interest. You don‟t need to go stealth if you actually want to form a relationship with a quality woman (even if that relationship lasts one night), and you just spotted a hottie across the room that might be a good candidate. In fact, if that‟s the case, then flying under the radar will probably just land you in the Friend Zone. The main reason why most guys end up LJBF‟d (“Let‟s Just Be Friends”) is that they weren‟t obvious enough about the fact that they wanted more. Remember, a woman wants to be caught up in a love story. If a man approaches her with genuine interest in possibly falling in love with her one day, then regardless of what happens after that, she will be drawn to him in that moment. Also, I want to encourage you to approach women that are giving you approach signals, especially eye contact. I go into this in more detail in the Female Body Language video. By the time you actually walk over and say something to a woman who is giving you approach signals, she will already be feeling excitement. In her mind, she‟s already imagining the love story unfolding between the two of you. If you walk over and say a canned line, then you will screw that up because I can

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guarantee you this: the love story in her mind doesn‟t include you asking some lame question about her dental hygiene habits. Trying to pretend that you aren‟t really hitting on a woman is totally useless. Most of the time, she will see through it, and most of the time, she will be annoyed by the fact that you are attracted to her and yet, you are acting like you are not. This is incongruent behavior, and it‟s a turn off. Women really value directness. Directness is masculine and sexy. This doesn‟t mean you should walk up to her and say, “Hi, I‟d like to fuck you.” It just means that you don‟t need to pretend that you aren‟t attracted to her to get her to be attracted to you. Quality women with options get hit on all the time, so they will be bored with the average guy. The way to be different is to be above average, not to be stealth. If you are the attractive guy that hits on her, that’s what will set you apart and she will be into it. Every guy I‟ve ever dated, I knew he was attracted to me from the moment I met him. There was no trickery about it, and there didn‟t need to be. When attraction is obvious, it‟s exciting for me. It‟s only the neediness and desperation of most guys that turns me off. A lack of interest, or aloofness, is a turn off as well, because I don‟t have time to chase or play someone‟s games. If you telegraph attraction and at the same time, complete non-neediness, then that‟s what will get her excited and attracted to you. The Only Opener You Ever Need: The only opener you ever need goes something like this: “Hi, my name is---“ Holy cow, could it really be that easy? Yes. If you approach with confidence, then this is all you need to say.

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Remember, it‟s not what you say; it‟s how you say it. Women are so used to hearing bullsh*t from men that this kind of directness will be a really nice change of pace. By the way, this doesn‟t mean you can‟t approach with a different, more creative opener. It just means that you don‟t have to. The most important thing is that you are being authentic, whether that‟s authentically direct or authentically playful and coy. Approach with your personality, not someone else’s. The Attitude of Approach: You want to approach every woman you meet with the thought that you are seeing if she is the one you want. If you go over there with the attitude of, ”Oh man, I hope she likes me. I hope I get this one,” then you will kill the attraction before you even open your mouth. Approach with an attitude of selectivity. As you read on, I‟m going to go over some really powerful tools you can use to create good conversation. As you implement those tools and techniques, keep in mind that the basis of all of this is to figure out if she’s the woman for you—not to make her like you. If you don‟t feel like you are “good enough” to be selective and qualify women, then I highly recommend getting some one-on-one coaching to root out and resolve those deeper confidence issues that are holding you back.

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Chapter 3: Flirting Skills Have you ever heard the phrase “life is a journey, not a destination”? Flirting is the same way—when done well, it becomes about the two of you having a fun journey together rather than a means to an end. You‟ve probably already read a bunch of stuff about how to flirt, and even if you haven‟t, you‟re probably familiar with the concepts of being cocky, funny, and teasing a woman. Most guys I talk to, especially my one-on-one clients, feel a lot of pressure when it comes to flirting because they aren‟t comedians or performers. Women don‟t really need to be entertained. This is a myth perpetuated by pick-up artists that have spent a little too much time trying to capture the attention of drunk, high, and totally ADD women in Vegas lounges. Most women will go to a comedy club if they want a comedy routine. When it comes to meeting a man, women just want to have fun and find someone they can connect with. Flirting is all about fun. Really. If you are having fun, she will follow your lead and have fun too, even if you aren‟t cracking jokes or showing her a magic trick. So rest assured that you will have no trouble flirting, regardless of what your personality type is. Say No to Negs: Why does putting down a woman create attraction? One of the main reasons is because it gives the illusion of not being needy. The idea is that a gorgeous woman is used to guys giving her compliments and kissing her ass everywhere she goes. Therefore, the guy who will actually put her down stands out as different, and different is attractive.

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This is true: different is attractive. But the spark of attraction won‟t get you anywhere with a quality woman if you achieve it by being a jackass. I once worked in an office where my boss was kind of an aloof, bitter guy. One day he yelled at me for not using the proper “phone protocol” (I‟m so glad I don‟t work in an office anymore). He berated me and embarrassed me in front of my co-workers. After he walked away, I felt miserable, and I was also strangely turned on. He‟s not a good-looking guy, but in that moment, I wanted to fuck him. Tension, friction, passion: these are the seeds of attraction. Negs are a cheap and easy way to create that. See, this kind of thing happens all the time. It‟s a biological, unconscious, knee-jerk reaction. A guy who is being a jerk is sometimes sexually attractive because he‟s being dominant. However, this is totally meaningless by itself because high quality, attractive women aren‟t victims of their unconscious reactions. I might have felt attraction for my asshole boss in that moment, but I would never, ever have actually let him near me. Negs and insults will probably get a rise out of a woman, but most quality women won‟t go to bed with you or actually date you if you spark attraction this way because she won‟t want to be involved with a jerk. Another reason why negs work on women with low self esteem is that these women unconsciously believe that they deserve to be treated this way, so they just follow that biological attraction and torture themselves. “I know he‟s not treating me well, but I can‟t seem to get enough of him…” If you put down a woman who already feels bad about herself, then you are actually matching her internal experience of herself, and this will create a connection between you two. It‟s as if you “saw the real her.” Of course, when you neg a woman with high

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self-esteem, you completely mismatch her experience of reality, so she just thinks you are a complete d-bag (which, if you are negging women, you are being one). Also, women who have all of their power and confidence linked to their sexual attractiveness feel compelled to reclaim their power when you take it away with a neg. It‟s kind of like, “I‟ll show him…even if I have to sleep with him to do it…I‟ll show him that I am sexy and powerful.” Getting a woman into bed this way is like knocking the wind out of your opponent so you can win the race. As you develop into a quality man, you will not want to be involved in that kind of game. Besides, a woman who doesn‟t have all of her self-esteem tied up in her sexuality will just think you are an asshole and move on to a guy who will treat her with more respect. So, say no to negs. You don’t need to be a jerk to spark attraction. You can spark attraction through being a masculine, dominant, and passionate guy without acting like a jackass. How to Tease Her Without Negging: He was riding in the passenger‟s seat of my car. We had been dating for a couple of weeks. When we reached our destination and I went to parallel park, I didn‟t exactly back the car in at a smooth angle. As I inched my car back and forth into the parking space, he laughed and said, “It‟s the classic Liz 16-point turn. You should really patent that.” Teasing a woman will ramp up the attraction and create sexual tension without the nasty side effect of her feeling bad about herself.

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Teasing is a great way to flirt with a girl. Teasing is not the same thing as a neg. The intention behind teasing is to be playful and have fun. The intention behind a neg is to put a woman down. The main difference is when you tease a woman, you are commenting on the situation. When you neg a woman, you are giving her a negative label. For example, let‟s say you are with a woman at a bar or café and she spills her drink. Teasing would be something like, “Do you want me to get you a child-proof cup?” or “Hey, you don‟t need to wash the table. They‟ve hired people to do that here.” You are commenting on the fact that she spilled her drink—the situation. If she has a sense of humor, she will laugh with you and the attraction will escalate. A neg would be something like, “Woah, are you always so clumsy?” You are commenting on her as a person. It‟s mean and totally unnecessary. Now let‟s say that she really is a clumsy person, and she‟s insecure about it… If she spills something and you tease her about it, she will see that it‟s ok for her to be clumsy around you, and that you are fun to be around no matter what happens. She will feel better about herself—and better about being with you. On the other hand, if you neg her, she will have that insecurity triggered, and it won‟t feel good. She will then do one of two things to get rid of that bad feeling: 1. She will sleep with you to make you like her again. This is why the neg has become popular in the PUA world. However, do you really want a woman to sleep with you because you made her feel bad about herself and she‟s now approval seeking? Yuck. 2. She will leave and/or tell you to f-ck off. A quality woman with high self esteem and options will almost always react to a neg this way.

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Putting a woman down and being a jerk to create attraction is a waste of time. It‟s not really who you are, so faking it might get immediate results but it will ultimately wear you down and leave you lonely. Teasing women, on the other hand, is something you want to do for the rest of your life. Whenever I‟ve seen old people who have been married for decades and are still in love, the one thing they all seem to have in common is that they still tease each other. The Truth About Confidence and Humor: Confidence is sexy. Confidence is not the same thing as cockiness. Confidence is a relaxed, grounded state which demonstrates the absence of desperation and neediness. Cockiness is about showing off to supposedly demonstrate value. I say supposedly because actually, the need to demonstrate value is a sure sign that you aren‟t confident. Recently I was out at a hotel lounge and, while waiting for my friend to arrive, I started chatting with the guy sitting next to me. Within 5 minutes of us talking, I knew that he owned a couple of houses, and he “was really into culture.” I couldn‟t wait for my friend to arrive so I could get away from Mr. Real-Estate-Culture. This kind of behavior reeks of validation seeking. A truly confident man knows that his inherent value will naturally show all the time and he doesn’t need to fabricate ways to demonstrate it. In other words, confidence is a state of being to adopt, not a pick-up routine to run. Humor is sexy too, because it‟s masculine. Think about it: how many more successful male comedians are there than female comedians? And of the successful female comedians, how many of them are considered sexy? Not many, and this is not an accident.

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The ability to comment on things in a humorous way is a very masculine trait. The masculine is removed from an experience and can make an observation about it (the feminine is fully in the experience, so can‟t comment on it as an observer in the same way). That said, you don‟t have to be a comedian to flirt and create attraction, so please don‟t try to be funny. True humor doesn’t happen on purpose. It happens because you make a comment about something—a comment that comes naturally to you—and someone else thinks it‟s funny. I‟ve had lots of experiences where I‟ve had my friends cracking up, almost rolling on the floor with laughter about something I said. None of those times did I think to myself, “I‟m going to be funny now.” I just said something that was true for me in the moment, and it made the people listening laugh. If I had tried to be funny on purpose, it would have been socially uncomfortable. You can create attraction without making her laugh, so don‟t try to do it on purpose. Trying will only create awkwardness and make her wonder… “Why is he trying to make me laugh? Is it because he‟s hitting on me? Awkward…” So, don‟t focus on these things. Confidence is what you want to be naturally (all the time) anyway, and funny will happen naturally if you just let it. The 3 Essentials to Flirting: There are really only 3 things you need to do to flirt well, and none of these require that you become a different person. 1. Be present. 2. Relax. 3. Have fun. I‟ll go into all of these in more detail.

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Be Present: Most guys who can‟t attract women are always in their heads. They are always thinking about how things are going, what to say next, and they are always worried if they will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and if they should or shouldn‟t (fill in the blank). Unfortunately, if you‟ve read tons of dating advice and filled your head with all kinds of different ideas and information, then this is probably an even bigger problem for you than it is for guys who don‟t know anything. When you are in your head, you are not in the moment, and if you are not in the moment, you won‟t be able to flirt well. I can‟t emphasize this enough: what you say is garbage. It is meaningless. If you are thinking about what to say, you are not flirting! Seriously, have you ever heard people flirt? It‟s total nonsense. The reason why it‟s nonsense is because the people who are flirting don‟t care about what they are saying. They care about the sexual tension that is building, and they are both present with it. Here are a couple of techniques for staying present with a woman. 1. “I‟m back.” If you catch your mind wandering, think to yourself, “I‟m back” and then come back into the room and into the moment. Don‟t waste time thinking about not being in the moment (thinking about being in the moment is not being in the moment). Just come back to the moment and let your previous mind wanderings go—to be picked up another time. 2. Observe your surroundings. If you are flirting with a woman, one of the best ways to keep you and her in the present moment is to observe out loud what‟s going on in the room around you. For example, “Wow, look at how fast that bartender can make a martini.” Or, “Hey, check out the art on the wall. It‟s like a messed up Mona Lisa.” Chance are, you will notice something that she hasn‟t, and this will automatically give you the ability to add value to her world. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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3. Comment out loud on where your mind wanders to. If you are talking with a woman and you find yourself thinking about the amazing burger you had for lunch, say that out loud. Say, “Wow, you know what? I can‟t stop thinking about this really good burger I had for lunch. That was 12 hours ago and it‟s still on my mind.” If you are going to go on a day dream, bring her into it. (Note, don‟t interrupt her in the middle of her talking to do this—that‟s just rude and will make her feel like you aren‟t listening to her.) The important component about staying present is that you don‟t lose her. Like I said, most guys are always stuck in their head. If you are thinking about dating routines, you are not flirting properly! You are much better off saying something stupid that fits with the moment then saying something smooth that is totally out of context. While you are reading this material, stay with what I‟m saying and internalize it—it will add to your ability to flirt well. When you are out talking with a woman, forget all the dating advice you ever heard or read and just be present with her. Relax: As the man, you are the leader of a male-female interaction. If you aren‟t the leader, then you‟ve let her take on the masculine role, or it‟s not going anywhere. You want to be the leader. That means that as a woman, I‟m going to unconsciously follow you. I don‟t mean I‟m going to trail you around the book store or coffee shop all day; it means that I‟m going to take on whatever emotional state you are in. I remember a subway ride where I kept checking out the guy sitting opposite me, and he was checking me out too. It was on…until he opened his mouth and meekly croaked out, “Um…you‟re wearing sandals. And they‟re red.” As soon as he showed me how anxious he felt, I felt very anxious too and couldn‟t wait to get off the train. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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It‟s extremely natural for a woman to take on what the man is feeling. I‟ve even had situations where I‟ve gotten a headache or upset stomach when my man is sick. So, that means that if you are relaxed and confident, she will feel relaxed and confident. If you are nervous and awkward, she will feel nervous and awkward. If she feels nervous and awkward, she will not want to be around you—even if you are talking about rescuing cats from burning buildings or delivering cocky and funny one-liners. Ok, so relax. Easier said than done, right? Ask yourself this: what‟s the worst thing that can happen? Seriously, as a man who has options, it‟s not a big deal if this one particular woman doesn‟t work out. By the way, if you don‟t feel like you are a man with options, then that‟s something to work on with coaching. Relax. The consequences of rejection are relatively small to the grand scheme of things. Only when you can totally accept the possibility of a woman saying no to you will it be easy for you to start getting a lot of women to say yes to you. Have fun: The number one reason why most guys can‟t flirt is they aren‟t having fun. They aren‟t in the moment, they aren‟t relaxed, and they don‟t know how to have fun. That’s have fun, not be funny. Yes, humor is attractive, but if you are able to have fun, that‟s more than enough to flirt properly. Everyone has a natural sense of humor. We might not all be Chris Rock or Jim Carrey, but everyone has a natural sense of humor that comes out when we have fun. If you make everything that you do fun, women will take notice.

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This means that if you do something silly, goofy, or even totally embarrassing, if you laugh at it, then you have a sense of humor. For example, I was walking with a guy I‟d just met and it was chilly out, so when he went to kiss me, my nose was running. He pulled back and said, “Hm, yum, snot kisses.” I replied, “What, that doesn‟t turn you on?” Seriously, these aren‟t clever jokes. The only reason why this is good flirting is because we had fun with the moment. Now here‟s what someone who doesn‟t know how to flirt would say, Flirting: “Hm, yum, snot kisses.” Bad flirt: “Oh, um, yeah, sorry, it‟s, uh…kinda cold out. I mean, I‟m sorry, that must‟ve been really gross. Are you ok?” And then the attraction is gone. So there you have it, if you can… 1. Stay present 2. Stay relaxed 3. Have fun, no matter what happens Then you can flirt!

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Chapter 4: Communication Skills The other day, I wanted to email a friend some of my writing to get her notes on it. She asked that I print it out instead since she doesn‟t like to read off the screen. Since my printer wasn‟t working at the time, I said, “Oh, that‟s ok, don‟t worry about it.” A couple of days later, she called me to tell me that she was furious at how rude I‟d been to her. I was thoroughly confused… But after we talked it out, I realized that when I‟d said, “don‟t worry about it,” I had meant that she didn‟t need to read my document. She, however, thought I meant that she should suck it up and read off the computer screen. I‟m sure you‟ve experienced tons of petty misunderstandings like that in your lifetime. Miscommunications happen often, mostly because we don‟t always fully know how to communicate our intentions clearly. In this chapter, I‟m going to give you a couple of basic NLP concepts that will help you communicate more effectively, especially with women. Note: These are not hypnotic mind control patterns that will instantly conjure up a woman‟s sexual desire—despite what other dating coaches might have told you about NLP, there is no such thing as mind control, and it’s impossible to “NLP” a woman into sleeping with you. I‟m teaching you these are NLP concepts to help you understand how communication works so you can communicate more effectively and more attractively with women.

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Rapport: Have you ever known someone for about 5 minutes, and already felt like you knew her really well? Chances are, you and she were in rapport with each other. Rapport is an essential part of creating a connection with a woman. Attraction is created through the tension of being both like her and her opposite, meaning, she will feel attraction when you are both being polar to her (masculine when she is feminine) and when you are sharing ideas, likes, dislikes, and mannerisms in common. Rapport has two parts to it: pacing and leading. Pacing is where you pace her current experience. Leading is where she then starts to unconsciously pace you and follow your lead. One of the easiest ways to pace a woman is through matching and mirroring. This means positioning your body to be similar to hers. If she‟s got her legs crossed, you cross your legs or put your leg over your knee (you don‟t want to look feminine—so approximate matching and mirroring is ok). You can also match a person‟s tone of voice, like relative pitch, and the speed at which she talks. We like things that are like us. A woman will likely not consciously notice you matching and mirroring her, and unconsciously she will feel connected to you and that she likes you. I actually have a friend from my NLP training that I regularly meet for dinner, and every time I match and mirror him until he calls me out on it. Half the time, it takes him at least an hour to notice (and that‟s only when I get super obvious about it). The other half of the time, he doesn‟t notice at all. And this guy is trained in NLP! Point being, if you are subtle about it, you‟ll be fine.

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I would add, though, not to be too precise about this. If you copy her every move, it will get creepy. You don‟t need to take a sip of your drink every time she takes a sip of hers, for example. Leading comes into play when she has gotten into rapport with you. You‟ll know you can lead when she starts matching and mirroring you (this will happen unconsciously). If you uncross your legs, for example, and she does too shortly afterwards, then you have rapport. You can now lead her into a more exciting, emotional conversation and connection with you by going there yourself, first. You‟ll learn how to do this in the following chapters. Representational Systems: These are how we process sensory information from the outside world; they are the 5 senses plus that little voice in your head. The 6 rep systems are: 1. Kinesthetic (touch and emotions) 2. Auditory (hearing) 3. Visual (seeing) 4. Olfactory (smelling) 5. Gustatory (tasting) 6. Auditory Digital (internal self-talk) For the purposes of communication skills, you only need to be concerned with Kinesthetic (K), Auditory (A), Visual (V), and Auditory Digital (Ad). All humans have all of the rep systems, and all humans have a preferred system. You can figure out what a woman‟s preferred system is by the words she chooses. For example, if she wants to convey that she understands something, if she prefers… Visual: “I see what you mean.” Or, “I can see that.” Auditory: “I hear you.” ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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Kinesthetic: “I get that.” Or, “I‟m picking up what you‟re putting down.” Auditory digital: “Yes, that makes sense.” You can communicate with her more clearly if you also use words in her preferred rep system. (By the way, 40% of the population prefers visual and 40% prefers kinesthetic, so when in doubt, you can default to using a combination of both of these). Now, here‟s where this gets really important in terms of creating attraction: We all have all the rep systems, and we all use different ones at different times. The different systems actually range from least attached to most attached to an experience: AdVAK, with kinesthetic as the most attached (meaning, you are fully in it versus able to observe it with an outsider‟s perspective). Kinesthetic refers to both physical touch sensations and emotions (feelings). That‟s why touch—kino—is a really important part of creating attraction. I‟ll go into more detail about kino later, and you can also watch the Female Body Language video for a demonstration of how to kino effectively. Regardless of a woman‟s preferred primary rep system, attraction happens kinesthetically (you feel attraction—you don‟t hear it, see it, or think it, right?). So if you want to effectively create attraction, you need to get her more into her kinesthetic. How? By pacing and leading. Pacing is when you match and mirror her. Leading is when you start to lead her to where you want to go. With body position, for example, you might start off matching the way she is sitting. However, once she‟s in rapport with you, if you change the way you sit, look to see if she does too. If she does, you have rapport. Now you can lead her, and you want to lead her into a more kinesthetic experience. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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Most guys who have trouble really connecting to a woman have a hard time accessing their kinesthetic. If you want her to go there, you need to go there, so if you have trouble doing that, here‟s an exercise to strengthen your ability: Exercise on Accessing the Kinesthetic Rep System: In the version below, I‟ve instructed you to imagine a beach. You can visit as many different places as you want—the idea is to move from VAK. Close your eyes and imagine you are standing on a beach. You might want to think about your favorite beach, wherever that may be. As you imagine yourself on this beach, look at how brightly the sun is shining on the sand. You might see other people on the beach, or you might see nothing but miles of sand. You can see that the water is a perfectly clear blue. You might even see some sailboats out on the water, or you might just see nothing but waves all the way to the horizon. You can also hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Maybe you hear a bird call as it flies overhead, or the sound of wind blowing through the trees. Now, start to notice the way the sand feels under your feet. Feel the ocean breeze blowing on your face. And notice how it feels to be standing on this beach. Notice if you feel happy, or peaceful, joyful, or calm, or any other emotions that come up. Great, now how did that feel? You can do this exercise as much as you want. This will help you become totally comfortable accessing your feelings and emotions so you can then pace and lead a woman into hers. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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Chapter 5: Conversation Skills (The Art of „Small Talk‟) I believe that the term “small talk” is misleading, because when you first meet someone, you don‟t want your conversation to stay “small” at all. The first time I went speed dating, I thought it would be fun to meet a bunch of different people in one night. Instead, I was bored out of my mind. Every single 5-minute interaction was exactly the same. “What‟s your name?” “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” Ding—five minutes were up. Rinse and repeat. The biggest mistake that most guys make is they treat a conversation with a woman like it‟s a job interview. “What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?” “What‟s your favorite movie/book/music/TV show?” “Did you grow up around here?” Boring… Remember, attraction happens in the kinesthetic, so you want your questions to access the kinesthetic. These kinds of job interview style questions stay in the logical memory. It doesn‟t take a lot of effort to answer these. On the other hand, if you ask questions that go into her feelings, desires, and motivations about something, then you will get into the kinesthetic and the conversation will be more interesting. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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Take a look at these two examples: 1. Boring/typical guy: Him: So, what do you do? Me: I’m a dating coach. Him: Cool. So, where are you from? Me: (bored) 2. Interesting/Attractive Guy: Him: So, what do you do? Me: I’m a dating coach. Him: Cool. What made you decide to do that? Me: Well, I started as the editor for Sean Stephenson’s Inner Game Magazine… In the first example, I‟m basically on auto pilot and I‟m not at all engaged. In the second example, his question got me to access a very personal, emotionally relevant story. By recounting the story of how I became a dating coach, I can‟t help but access emotions like happiness and passion—so now I‟m engaged in the conversation. When you first meet a woman, the goal is not to get to know everything you can about her. Asking lots of questions might seem like you are expressing interest, but it actually has the opposite effect, because if you ask typical, cliché questions, she will feel like you actually aren‟t really that interested in getting to know her. Another thing I‟ve experienced is men who bounce around these standard questions without any sense of direction or connection (and how can you expect to connect with a woman if you can‟t even logically connect your thoughts together?). Great example— this actually happened to me just the other night. Him: How long have you been a part of [the group that hosted the event]? Me: Actually, I just joined—

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Him: So where you from, anyway? Yes, he actually interrupted my answer to one boring question to ask another, totally unrelated boring question. Don’t try to gather information. Instead, get into a few topics. It’s ok to start off with a standard question, but use that as a jumping off point for a real conversation. You want to ask the kinds of questions that will elicit a story from her. These kinds of questions usually look like… 

What made you decide to…?



What‟s your favorite thing about…?



Why did you want to…?



What do you like about…?

These kinds of questions will get her engaged in the conversation. Don‟t Dish Out What You Won‟t Take: Ask questions that you‟d want to answer. Be honest, do you really want to answer any of the following… 

So, what do you do for fun?



What‟s your story?



What‟s interesting about you?



What are your hopes and dreams?



What makes you special?

First of all, “So, what do you do for fun?” is the conversational kiss of death. Just don‟t ever ask that. Ever.

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As for the other questions on this list, my gut level response is, “If you can‟t figure out for yourself what makes me interesting, unique, and special, then you are a waste of my time.” Before asking a woman a question, check in and see how you would feel if someone asked you that question. If you‟d be annoyed by it, then chances are, so will she, and that‟s not a good question to ask. Role Play: Another great way to have an interesting conversation is through role play. This is actually a fantastic way to flirt and build the sexual tension as well. Role play doesn‟t have to be some elaborate fantasy that you make up. It can be as simple as taking what she tells you and creating a scenario with it. For example: You: So, what do you do? Her: I’m a chef. You: Really? What’s your favorite thing to make? If I came over to your house for dinner, what would you cook for me? Not only do you get her in touch with her favorite dish (something she likes and so she will like telling you about it), you‟ve also got her to imagine a future date with you. Nice. One of my most fun role-play flirtations happened more recently when I was talking with a man who‟s studied dating and attraction. Because he knew that I know this stuff too, he and I played the roles of bad pick-up artist and low-self-esteem stripper. It was hilarious! And of course, the kiss it eventually led to was a real kiss.

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Story-telling: Questions and role-play will get her telling you interesting stories. You need to reciprocate with interesting stories of your own. Just like you don‟t need to be a comedian to flirt, you don‟t need any special skills to be a good story teller. There are only 3 things to keep in mind when it comes to good story telling in this context: 1. Tell true stories. 2. Tell stories that mean something to you. 3. Access your emotions and act out the story. Tell true stories. If you lie to impress a woman, you are basically telling your unconscious mind that you don‟t have any real value, so you have to make stuff up. This severely damages your confidence. I don‟t care who you are—you have true stories to tell that will keep a woman interested in you and what you have to say. Tell stories that mean something to you. You are better off telling a personal story about being an accountant than you are telling a meaningless story about the time you saw Jennifer Aniston crossing the street, even if you think she‟d be more interested in hearing about a celebrity sighting. Remember, subject matter doesn’t matter. Tell her about what matters to you. When you tell the story, access you emotions and act out the story. You don‟t have to do Shakespeare or anything, but when you tell the story, get in touch with the emotions. Relive the story and express that to her. She will naturally follow you (remember, pacing and leading) and access the emotions too. If she emotionally follows you, then you are telling the story effectively.

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I‟ll give you an example of how when you use these three principles, you can make a story engaging even if it‟s about something mundane, like dental work (note: this example will work best if you listen to the audio version) Recently, I had a molar that was cracked in two places, and I had a crown put on it. Now, if you’ve never had a crown put on, basically what they do is they make a cheap temporary one out of plastic, and that’s what goes on your tooth for a couple of weeks while the lab makes the real one out of porcelain. The thing about these cheap plastic crowns is they actually have a tendency to fall out, and so the dental hygienist gave me some of the glue packets to take with me. She said, “If it falls out, just glue it back in.” Now, I freaked out, like, “What do you mean, it might fall out? I don’t want my tooth to fall out!” I seriously felt panic. The funny thing is, the other night, it did fall out and when it did, I looked at it for a second, got out the glue, and put it back in. It was no big deal. Isn’t it funny how you can panic about something happening, and then when it actually happens, you realize it was no big deal? Now, I‟ll contrast that with a story about something supposedly more interesting, but it‟s fake and I won‟t access emotions. I‟m telling this story the way most guys try to tell stories that they think women want to hear (again, listen to the audio version to really hear the difference). Ever been hiking in Topanga Canyon? I was just there with my friend, and it was really beautiful, like, just nature all around us, you know? So, we went on this one cliff that was really narrow and there’s no railing or anything. My friend’s shoe slipped on some gravel and she almost fell off the cliff, except I caught her and pulled her back up. Good thing I’ve been doing lots of weights at the gym lately, because I needed to have that strength to keep her from falling. Anyway, after that she was all, “Oh, Liz, you saved my life.” Pretty cool, right? Which story do you like better?

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The first story is true. It means something to me because it taught me about the nature of fear. And when I told it, I accessed and acted out the emotions (you can hear this on the audio version). The second story is loaded with “DHV‟s” (demonstrations of higher value). It‟s also stupid. It‟s not true, and there‟s no emotion or engagement with it. As a woman, I‟d much rather hear a story like the first one. Compliments: I absolutely love it when I‟m walking down the street and a guy stops me just to tell me I have a beautiful smile. Most guys I talk to are afraid to compliment women, and most PUAs will teach you not to. This is because most PUAs are needy and desperate, and, unlike banter, role-play, and even rapport building conversation, a compliment will expose you to a woman. If you are needy and desperate, a compliment will expose that. If you are a confident, grounded man who genuinely is appreciating an aspect of a woman‟s beauty, a compliment will expose that. Most beautiful, quality women hear compliments all the time. That said, a sincere, agenda-free compliment is hard to come by. Most compliments are disguised pleas for approval, validation, and sex. No matter how many times a woman has heard that she‟s “beautiful,” a genuine remark about her beauty will still have a positive impact. Also, remember how earlier I mentioned that negs work on women with low self esteem because they match her internal experience of herself? Well, in the same way, compliments work well for a woman with high self esteem because they match her internal experience. Giving a woman a compliment will expose her too—how well she receives it will expose how much confidence she has in herself.

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Therefore, you shouldn‟t be afraid to compliment a woman. Compliments, when handled the right way, can be exactly what you need to throw a little extra fuel on that attraction fire. As I mentioned earlier, what you say matters very little, and how you say it will create— or kill—attraction. When you compliment a woman, you need to know that your compliment is not actually what she hears. What she hears is the intention behind your compliment, and, even deeper than that, who you are as a man. For example… Needy, desperate guy says, “You‟re really beautiful.” She hears, “I‟m needy and desperate, and right now, I want to say what I think you want to hear so you will like me. Please like me—I really need your approval so I can feel better about myself.” Yuck! On the other hand… Confident, cool, attractive man says, “You‟re really beautiful.” She hears, “I‟m secure enough in myself to put my interest in you out there, because I‟m not afraid of how you will react. I‟m totally comfortable with how I feel and with my sexual attraction towards you. I am genuinely appreciating how beautiful you are, and I want to tell you because I know it feels good for you to know that.” In both examples, the same exact compliment was spoken. Yet, the man in the first example is about to get rejected or LJBF‟d, while the man in the second example is about to get laid.

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Most men can‟t pull off a compliment, but if you can, then it‟s often exactly what will keep the attraction high and keep you out of the Friend Zone. The truth is, when a woman senses that a man she‟s attracted to is attracted to her, it will make her attraction stronger. So a well placed compliment, which shows interest in her (without approval seeking) will escalate things. It serves you to show some interest in her. Otherwise, all of the conversation skills in this chapter could just as easily land you in the friend zone. Remember, quality women have options. They aren‟t going to play along with silly, hardto-get “DHV” games. If she’s attracted to you, the knowledge that you are also attracted to her is what will keep her talking to you. This doesn‟t mean you come right out and say, “Hey, I‟m attracted to you.” What it means is that you ask real questions (not job interview questions), and listen to her responses. It also means that you compliment her in a way that lets her know that you‟ve definitely noticed her and singled her out of the crowd. A quality man (that should be you—if it‟s not, then I recommend getting one-on-one coaching) has options, and women know it. When a woman knows that a man has chosen her out of all the other women in the room (as in, he could have his pick and he picks her) it‟s incredibly attractive. A well-placed compliment signals to a woman that she‟s been chosen by you and now it‟s time for her to surrender to the seduction process. Women are looking for an emotional connection. A genuine compliment will lay the foundation for that. I‟ll go more into creating that emotional connection in the next chapter.

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Chapter 6: Connection Skills As I said in the introduction, if you want a quality woman to date you, she has to feel connected to you--it can‟t be all about attraction. Earlier this year, I was at a party where I met a lot of guys that, like me, reside in California and live a pretty typical West Coast lifestyle. One of the only guys at that party that I actually felt a connection with, however, lives in New York City and shares less than half of my “new age” beliefs. If you try to connect with a woman over things you have in common, this is a mistake. For example, “Oh, your favorite movie is Fight Club? Me too! Woah, I didn‟t think I‟d meet anyone else with the same favorite movie as me…” As a woman, my emotional response to that is, “Yeah, so? Why do I care that we have the same favorite movie?” The key to creating a connection is emotion. That‟s why in Chapter 4 I taught you how to access your kinesthetic rep system/emotions—because if you can‟t, then she won‟t either. Look, I know you are smart. You know about a lot of interesting things, and you want to share them. A woman doesn‟t care! It‟s not that she isn‟t also smart and knowledgeable and curious. It‟s that she doesn‟t want an academic debate right now. She wants a sexy, romantic connection. Stop trying to talk about cool, impressive things. Really. We could talk for hours about where to get the best slice of pizza in town and if it‟s emotionally interesting, then I will feel attracted and connected.

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The best ways to create a connection are… 1. Speak about what you are passionate about. 2. Listen. 3. Connect to her, not to the subject matter. Speak About What You Are Passionate About: Now, this is where a lot of guys feel like they can‟t, because what if their passion is engineering, or math, or chess, or collecting posters of dragons? Ok, nevermind that I‟ve slept with men who have been passionate about all of these things (in one case he was passionate about all four)—you must forget this stupidity of women not liking certain dorky things. This isn‟t high school. The cheerleaders aren‟t going to tease you because you like chess. Or if they do, it‟s because they are flirting with you. If you hide your passion, you will be boring and a woman will not be able to connect with you. If you talk about things that are supposedly “female-friendly” topics that you aren‟t interested in yourself, you will be boring and a woman will not be able to connect with you. If you speak about what you are passionate about, then a woman will connect with you. Several years ago, I was traveling in Italy by myself and when I went to dinner, two men traveling from the Netherlands invited me to join them at their table. One of them had the job of planning where to put parking meters in his city. Now, I assumed that this was his day job and his passion probably was elsewhere, but I was wrong. I was totally captivated by his passion about where to put parking meters, how to structure the overall layout, the new ones that would be installed in the downtown area of the city… ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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So if you ever think that what you are passionate about is stupid or boring to a woman, just remember: parking meters. I could care less about parking meters (in fact, I think they make parking a huge pain in the you-know-where) but he was one of the most interesting men I met on that entire trip. Speak about what you are passionate about, no matter what that is. If a woman is bored or thinks you‟re weird for what you like most in life, then why the heck would you want to date her anyway? Women are very intuitive, and most of the time they can tell when you are faking it. That‟s why a saving a kitten from a burning building story is crap unless it‟s true. Even then, a woman might sense that you are telling it just to impress her. You are better off talking about what‟s really on your mind and what you are really passionate about than faking some ridiculousness to sound impressive. A woman is most impressed by a man’s passion and drive. You can’t fake those things. Listen: The New York guy at the party was, out of a sea of men trying to run game, the only one that actually just relaxed and listened to me. It was very refreshing. Listening is a lot more than hearing what a person is saying. Listening is getting involved in what they are saying, asking questions about it, and expressing interest. By the way, remember how I said that if a woman is bored by what you are saying, then she‟s not someone you want to be dating? Same is true for you; if she‟s boring or superficial and you aren‟t having fun talking to her, then find someone you do want to talk to. You can do better than some “10” who has the IQ of cotton. Even if you are interested in what she‟s saying, though, many guys don‟t really know how to fully show or express that. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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This is especially true for “recovering PUAs.” They‟ve been so conditioned to put women down, act distant, and play it cool that they‟ve lost the ability to show interest. That‟s too bad, because while hot bodies with low self esteem might get hooked by these childish games, a quality woman who has options will move on to a man who does show interest in her. You can be interested in someone and that doesn‟t make you needy or desperate. Desperate behavior is a turn off, but a non-needy man who is interested is a turn on. One of the best ways you can show interest in her is to use the NLP Agreement Frame, otherwise known as “Yes, and…” Basically, you affirm what she says, then add your own knowledge or point of view. For example, Her: I love pizza. You: Yes, and only with lots of cheese. (Remember, this is connection-creation, not an intellectual debate). Contrast that with: Her: I love pizza. You: Yes, but only with lots of cheese. The first exchange is much more agreeable, whereas the second one is more confrontational, even though the rest of the content is exactly the same. You can use the “Yes, and…” principle even if you don‟t agree with her. For example, Her: I think it’s really important to meditate every day. You: Yes, and I just don’t want to spend time sitting and doing nothing but think about my life.

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This is how you totally disagree with someone without breaking the connection or making her wrong or stupid. You acknowledge her point of view, then say, “Yes, and…here‟s what I think.” If you implement the use of “Yes, and…” in your conversations with women, then she will feel like she is being listened to and you are interested in her and what she has to say, even if you have a completely opposite opinion. Connect to Her, Not to the Subject Matter: In my coaching, I do a lot of conversational skills role play, and this is the part that guys usually screw up the most. Remember, it doesn‟t matter what you talk about, it matter how you say it. I‟ve had a lot of boring conversations about interesting topics, and I‟ve had a lot of interesting conversations about boring topics. Remember: parking meters This is not to say that you can‟t be talking about deep, interesting subject matter. You probably will naturally if you are truly connecting. What I‟m saying is, don‟t make that your goal. So many guys want to bust out all kinds of intellectual knowledge. “Oh yeah, I read a lot and I was reading this book about the Hero‟s Journey, and how it‟s based on Jungian archetypes…” As a woman, why do I care? Sure, I might find the Hero‟s journey fascinating—I might even own the book (I actually do own the book), but what does that have to do with you?

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Seriously, quit running Discovery Channel specials. I‟m looking for a romantic connection, not a walking Wikipedia. Always, always, always connect whatever you are talking about back to her and the two of you. It would be more like this… You: “I just read about the Hero’s Journey. Have you heard of that?” Her: “Yea, Joseph Campbell. He mapped out the basic structure of all myths and stories.” Now, most intellectual guys would take that as an invitation to give a lecture on Joseph Campbell in the hopes of either impressing her or just to engage in some good old fashioned mental masturbation. Here‟s what to do instead: You: “Oh, cool, you know the book. When did you read it? Did you like it?” You are using the subject matter as a vehicle to get to know her better. By the way, I also want to encourage you not to buy into the idea that you have to only talk about happy, fun things so she stays in a good mood…” Look, if you want to have sweet, nicey-nice conversations about puppies and rainbows, go ahead. Censor yourself, and see how attractive that ends up being. I‟ve talked about some really crazy, disgusting, and dark subject matter with guys—and then made out with them later that night. It‟s totally fine. Talk about real stuff—and you‟ll create a real connection.

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On the flip side of that, don‟t try to get all deep and emotional just to make things emotional. This is like trying to be funny—it just makes things awkward. You can connect over a love for pizza, and you can connect over a deep conversation about mythic story structure—I‟ll say it one more time: the subject matter doesn‟t matter. What matters is the emotional connection you create with her. Always connect back to her. Don‟t DHV (Demonstrate Higher Value) On Purpose: Lots of pick-up artists will tell you to DHV, but this behavior will actually break the connection you are forming with her. Why? Because when you DHV, you put yourself above her, and therefore you take yourself out of her world, which makes it difficult, if not impossible, for her to connect with you. By the way, I‟m not telling you to purposefully refrain from telling stories that show your value as a man. I‟m just telling you not to purposefully tell those stories just to show off. Otherwise you‟ll just sound like Mr. Real-Estate-Culture d-bag (see Chapter 3). Connection is created by two people relating to each other and forming a common bond. If you are constantly showing off, then you won‟t allow that connection to happen. I dated a guy who is a very talented singer/songwriter/guitarist, and since I actually love to sing, sometimes he‟d get out his guitar and we‟d sing a couple of pop songs together. We always started out singing together and having a great time, but inevitably, he‟d get into his “musician persona.” When that happened, he‟d close his eyes and start strumming and singing loudly, projecting his voice like he was on stage, and he‟d drown me out. Eventually, I‟d get frustrated and ask him if we could do something else instead. I didn‟t want him to show off his musical talent to me. I want us to sing together.

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When you DHV on purpose, and try to talk in a way that shows off your value to a woman, you just end up talking over her and she feels drowned out and frustrated. Remember the story I told you earlier about my dental crown falling out? What makes that story effective for creating a connection is that it‟s relatable. No matter who I tell that story to, he or she will either be able to relate to it through the fact that he or she also has a story about dental work or a story about panicking about something that ended up being no big deal. On the other hand, if you start posturing and going into subject matter that’s designed to show off how intelligent, deep, philosophical, manly, and/or attractive you are, you will alienate her because she will be left thinking…”What does this have to do with me?” You are better off telling real stories, with real emotion, if you want to create a connection. Touch (Kino): As I‟ve mentioned several times, getting into your kinesthetic is important when it comes to creating attraction. I‟ve already gone over some key ways to access the emotional component of the kinesthetic. Kinesthetic also refers to physical touch. That‟s why, if you want to create attraction with a woman, you need to add physical touch to the interaction. Otherwise, your engaging conversation will probably just land you in the Friend Zone. For a detailed description on how to kino effectively, take a look at the Female Body Language video—by paying attention to her body language signals, you‟ll start to notice more and more ways that you can easily and nonchalantly add kino to your interactions with women.

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Chapter 7: Setting Up a Date Eavesdropping at a party the other night, I overheard a man and a woman who had just met flirting with each other, and at one point, he asked her out. Him: So, when are we gonna go hiking together? How about Saturday? Her: Yes, Saturday works for me. Him: Great. Let’s exchange phone numbers and I’ll call you Saturday. Meanwhile, at the same party, a guy approached me and made the classic mistake: Him: Hey, what’s your name? Me: Hi, I’m Liz. Him: Cool. My name’s Kevin. So, Liz, can I call you sometime? Cringe. Kevin could learn a few things from Hiking Guy. Lots of guys ask me how to get phone numbers and email addresses, so I‟m going to tell you this once: don‟t make getting her contact info your goal. Your goal is to get a date. Phone Numbers Aren‟t Trophies: Maybe this goes without saying, but phone numbers are not meant to be collected like trophies. If you are going out there doing approach after approach, trying to collect as many phone numbers as you can, then you are completely missing the point when it comes to learning how to actually create attraction. If you want a girlfriend, then you only need to get one phone number—hers—to make that happen. If you are talking to a woman that you aren‟t interested in dating, then getting her phone number just to see if you can is a waste of your time.

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When you‟re out, the only thing that you should need to get validated is your parking. If you feel the need to collect phone numbers like trophies just to validate yourself, then I highly recommend getting some coaching. Look, dating is not a video game where you keep trying to beat your high score and get to the next level. Even though you probably know that intellectually, most men still operate this way unconsciously when they actually go out to meet women. Go out to meet women that you actually want to date and connect with. You might meet one, and you might not meet any, and you might meet quite a few in any given night. Set your standards high and stick to them. When you do meet a woman that you want to date, you’ll then set up a date because you actually want to see her again. When you are attracting and connecting with that quality woman, always make your goal to get a date, not just a phone number. If you‟ve ever read or learned anything about goal setting, one of the main principles is that you will get the goal you set (assuming you take action and proceed with the absence of limiting beliefs). That means that if your goal is just to get her number, then you‟ve set the bar too low. When you are attracting and connecting with a woman, have your goal be geting a date. When you get a date, you‟ll then exchange contact information out of necessity—how else will you work out the logistics of when you are going to meet for dinner or visit that museum? If you‟ve been connecting with her, then at some point, you probably talked about something that could be a potential first date. Maybe you talked about a new restaurant, a movie, a museum, or a hiking trail to check out. With the couple at the party, it was obvious that they had already bonded over a

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love of hiking before he asked her out. Whatever that commonality is, you set up a first date with her by referencing it. For example: You: “Hey, my friends and I are actually headed out for the night, but I really do want to check out that new restaurant/see that movie/visit that museum/check out that hiking trail. You want to meet up some time next week and we can do it together?” Her: “Yes, I’d like that.” You: “Cool. What’s your contact info, so we can stay in touch and set it up?” Or, if she‟s the one leaving… You: “Oh, you’re leaving? Well, I’d really like to check out that new restaurant/see that movie/visit that museum/check out that hiking trail. You want to meet up some time next week and we can do it together?” Her: “Yes, I’d like that.” You: “Cool. What’s your contact info, so we can stay in touch and set it up?” If she hesitates to give you her contact information, then you haven‟t created enough of a connection. By the time you are at this stage, she should be comfortable enough with you that this is natural and easy. If there‟s even a little bit of awkwardness for this part, then you didn‟t spend enough time building trust. A Note on Fake Numbers and Flaky Women: If you get a fake number, or if a woman flakes on you, then you didn‟t create enough of a connection. Fake phone numbers are a signal that you did not create either attraction or a connection. In fact, most of the time, a fake phone number indicates that a man was so ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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creepy or pushy that the woman felt threatened, and pretended to comply in the moment so she could escape. In other words, a woman giving a fake phone number to a guy is akin to you giving a mugger your wallet so he won‟t stab you. If you are getting fake phone numbers, then you have some serious work to do on your game. Flakiness, on the other hand, usually indicates that you created attraction but didn‟t form a connection. You created enough attraction so that, in the moment, she was excited about giving you her number and the idea of going out with you. However, once the “attraction high” wore off, she was left wondering… “Ugh, I don‟t even know who this guy is. Forget it…” When you create a connection with a woman, this won‟t happen, because she will feel like she actually knows you. When you create attraction and a connection, a woman will be looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you again. A good principle to avoid flakiness is: don‟t ask for contact info until she‟s already said yes to a date.

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Chapter 8: Phone, Text, and Email Skills I want to start this chapter off by saying that these principles apply to when you‟ve already attracted and connected to a woman in person. These are not online dating skills. Phone Skills: Here are a few principles for when to call a woman: 1. Call when you‟re sober. 2. Call at a reasonable hour (not too early in the morning or late at night). 3. Call when you want to—don‟t play phone games to appear busy or not as interested as you actually are. These are childish and will ultimately backfire. The important thing to remember with quality women is that we have options. We aren‟t waiting around for your phone call. Playing the “wait 5 days” game might work with women who like a little drama, but for a woman with options, chances are, in 5 days she‟s probably forgotten about you, and possibly already set up a date with someone else. When you attract and connect with a woman, a certain momentum is created. Waiting too long to contact her after your initial interaction will kill that momentum. Think of it this way. When you ride a roller coaster, you start off on a slow climb to the top before the first big drop. During that whole climb, you are anticipating the rush of the rest of the ride, right? Now, the roller coaster reaches the top and pauses. At first the pause is exciting and builds the momentum even more… But if the roller coaster train just sat at the top of that hill and didn‟t move for awhile, then the excitement would start to dissolve, and then you‟d just get annoyed because you aren‟t going anywhere. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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That‟s how a woman feels when you wait too long to contact her after you meet. For me personally, if I meet a guy and we have a really good, sexually charged connection, I want to hear from him in the next 48 hours. If I don‟t, I lose a considerable amount of interest. Why? Because I figure he‟s either… 

Playing a phone game, in which case I‟m not interested because I don‟t date guys who feel the need to run games.



Actually not as interested in me as I am in him (because if I feel intense attraction, I definitely want to feel more of it sooner rather than later), so I take a step back. I might still date him, but I‟m going to proceed with a lot more caution.

Remember, only needy people need to prove that they aren‟t needy. Showing interest in a woman is not needy; it‟s natural, especially when you‟ve connected with her. It doesn‟t make sense to a woman when she feels how interested and attracted you are to her when you first meet, and then that level of interest isn‟t continued afterwards. So, if you want a date with her, take action and call her to set it up the next day. By the way, lots of guys will actually text instead of call. I‟ll go over texting in the next section. What I will say in this section is that calling is more ballsy than texting, and it‟s also more personal. If you are too busy to really call her the next day at a reasonable hour, than a text is better than no contact at all. However, it‟s really to your advantage to actually get her on the phone and let her hear your voice again before you meet up for your first date. Otherwise, she might disconnect from what it feels like to be in your presence and then the first date could be awkward. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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When you call, call to set up your first date. Don‟t call just to chat; call with a sense of purpose and direction. She doesn‟t know you well enough to chat on the phone like she does with her friends (and why would you want to chat like a friend anyway?). For example: Her: “Hello?” You: “Hey, it’s [your name].” (If you‟ve connected with her, this is all you have to say. If you have to remind her who you are, then you didn‟t create attraction or a connection.) Her: “Hey, how are you?” You: “Good, you?” Her: “Good.” You: “Cool. So, you still want to check out [venue/event you discussed when you connected]?” Her: “Yeah, I’d love to.” You: “Great. How’s this Saturday?” After you get the date scheduled, say goodnight and hang up the phone. If you don‟t, then your first date will end up being a phone conversation. Now, you know I‟m not one for dating rules—I‟m all about following your own path in creating attraction. However, I would strongly encourage you not to call her just to talk until you‟ve had a few dates. Otherwise, the sexual tension between you and her will build and develop over the phone…where it can‟t go anywhere, and then when you see her in person, it could be awkward.

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Once you schedule the first date, don‟t call her again unless you need to reschedule. It‟s too soon for you to be chatting like girlfriends—or like you are in a relationship already. Text Skills: Hey Cutie, great meeting you. Looking forward to schooling you in lazer tag. Text is a great way to keep the flirting going between the time when you met her and your first date. With text, like with the phone, the sooner the better. You can even text her 15 minutes after you parted ways (after you first meet). The key to texting is to keep it light and playful. You don‟t want to use text as a substitute for having an actual phone or in-person conversation. This could come across as you being too much of a pussy to pick up the phone and call her to set up a date. Text has become such a mainstream way to communicate that a lot of people rely on it. I swear, I think sometimes we forget that our phones are actually phones—they are more like little mini keyboards we carry around. Because of this, it might be tempting to think it‟s totally cool just to text her to schedule a date. Yeah, it might be “cool.” Here‟s the thing, though: because text is so mainstream and mundane, an actual phone call will make you stand out. Use that to your advantage. When you are scheduling the date, call her (see the above section for details). Text is for flirting and quick, witty banter that can go back and forth throughout the day. You can also comment on something she told you about in your conversation with her. For example:

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If you teased her about spilling her drink when you met her, you can text something like, “Hey, want me to pick up a sippy cup for our date? I wouldn‟t want you to have another accident. ” If she told you a story about getting dental work, similar to my story earlier, you can text a simple: “How‟s the tooth? Staying in place?” Again, keep these light and playful. These are not meant to be new conversations. Think of them as little reminders of what you talked about when you were actually talking in person. When I meet a guy I really like, I think about him a lot. I love walking around with those butterflies in my stomach. When I get a text from him, it‟s reassurance that he‟s thinking about me too. These are the only two functions your texts need to serve: 1. Remind her of your interaction and continue the flirting. 2. Reassure her that you‟re thinking about her too. If you are trying to do more than this with your texts when you first meet, then you are probably going to end up sending some lame texts at some point. Here are some examples of lame, attraction-killing texts: 1. “Hey,” “How are you?” or “What‟s up?” This basically communicates that you don‟t have anything to say. Boring. 2. Any sexual innuendos that are not a continuation of what you flirted about in person. Escalating over text is like chatting on the phone—you build sexual tension in a context where you can‟t actually act on it. Save it for the first date. 3. Long paragraphs about what you are doing. Unless it‟s something you know she will appreciate because it relates to your conversation with her, don‟t send her reports about your day. If something really cool happens in your life, save it to tell her about on the first date. ©Copyright 2009, www.GettingInsideAWoman.com – All Rights Reserved

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Spelling and Grammar Count: When you send a text (or an email), make sure that the spelling and grammar are correct. If spelling and grammar aren‟t your strengths, don‟t stress out. You aren‟t writing a term paper, so a few genuine mistakes here and there won‟t matter. The important thing is that you do your best to construct full words and sentences. For example: If, when you met, she told you she was nervous about a job interview she had the next day… Don‟t Send: hey how r u ws ur itnrveiw good? Send: Hey, how’d your interview go? Good? The first one conveys that you are in a hurry and don‟t have time to communicate clearly and correctly. The second one conveys that you are willing to take the time to do it right. There‟s a great phrase: How you do one thing is how you do everything. It might sound strange, but I unconsciously equate a man‟s texting style with how good he is in bed. A man that rushes through texts, doing the bare minimum to convey his message, is probably going to rush through sex, too, whereas a man that takes the time to spell out full sentences is a man who probably will also take the time to make sure I‟m satisfied in the sack. Take the time to spell out your words, construct sentences, and use proper punctuation. Use Emoticons: Emoticons are the smiley and frowny faces built into your list of alpha-numeric characters.

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Use them. Remember how earlier I discussed that words are only 7% of communication? Without emoticons, you are only conveying 7% of your message. Emoticons will charge your texts with emotion (hence the term emoticons) and make the communication clearer. Email Skills: The principles for email are basically the same as for text message. In general, you‟ll want to avoid email interactions with a woman you met and want to set up a date with. I actually got an email from a guy I met—who I was attracted to in person—and I almost deleted the email because I didn‟t even realize who it was from. Email is impersonal and it will feel more like you‟re setting up a job interview or casual lunch. Now, some pick-up artists encourage asking for email instead of a phone number because it‟s less threatening. Personally, I think if you are threatening at all, you are doing something wrong. Remember, don‟t ask for contact information. Ask for a date. When she says yes to the date, then get her phone number so you can work out the logistics. If she won‟t give you a phone number and wants to give you an email address instead, chances are, you didn‟t create enough of a connection and she doesn‟t completely trust or feel comfortable with you. Take this as feedback and work on creating deeper connections in the future.

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Chapter 9: Keeping the First Date Fun: Even though this chapter is about the first date, the principles here actually apply to second, third, and even fiftieth dates. When planning a date, you want to take a woman somewhere that shows her about your life and what spending time with you will be like if she chooses to do more of it. This is not the time to pull out all the stops impressing a woman. This is the time to share your life with her; take her out at your favorite restaurant, take her to see your favorite band, teach her how to play darts like a master—whatever it is, the date should be designed to show her your personality. The principle behind date conversation is simple: if it‟s not broken, don‟t fix it. You attracted her. You connected with her. Keep doing that! In the Female Body Language video, I tell a story about a guy who waited until 3AM to kiss me. The same guy walked me to my car and pushed me against the front door and kissed me again there—it was super hot. Then, the next time we met up for our first official date, he barely gave me a handshake hello. The attraction continued to dissolve from there. The worst mistake you can make is to think that now that you are on a date, you need to revert back to job interview style questioning and emotionless small talk. Keep the attraction escalating. This starts with picking up the kino where you left off. If you held her hand when you first met her, take her hand when you greet her for the date.

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If you kissed her on the cheek during your first interaction, kiss her on the cheek hello when you see her again. If you kissed her during your first interaction, give her a quick kiss on the lips when you greet her for the date. (If you didn‟t kino when you first met her, go back and read chapter 6 and review the Female Body Language Video). Then, throughout the date, keep the kino high. If you are at dinner, take her hand across the table. If you are at a museum, hold her hand or touch the small of her back. Follow her body language. For tips on exactly how to do this, check out the Female Body Language video. Date Conversation: The biggest mistake most people make is they think that dates are for getting to know someone. Dates are for getting to know if you are attracted to and connect with someone beyond when you first met. In that process, you’ll naturally learn about each other. Back in college, I played a lot of chess (I know, I‟m a huge dork). There was a group of guys that I played with at a coffee shop every Tuesday night, and one of the guys asked me out. On our first date, we took a walk in the park and then…wait for it…played chess at the coffee shop. I became more attracted to him through continuing the experiences that we already shared—and getting to know him better because the other guys weren‟t around—but at no point did we start grilling each other for stats about our lives. We spent time together and, in the process, learned that we liked spending time together.

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The point is, you don‟t need to find how many brothers and sisters she has, where she‟s from, where she sees herself in 5 years, what she does for fun, if she‟s ever traveled overseas, her hopes, dreams, and fears…all in one night (or day). Your goal is not to get information about her. If you relax and have fun on the date, you will learn exactly what you really need to know about her based on how willing she is to relax and have fun with you. The more willing she is to do that, the more she will naturally share about her life—on this date and the next. Again, the principles are the same as when you first meet her. Don‟t revert back to asking boring questions. Keep flirting and connecting just like you did before. That said, she will want you to escalate with the conversation. Keep things emotional, and go deep. Who says first dates have to be awkward and polite? One of the best first dates I ever had, I ended up talking for an hour about how my brother‟s death affected me and my family. While that might be heavier than the average first date subject matter, I still ended up kissing him at the end of the night, and I dated him for a long time after that. My point is, the faster you can drop the “first date persona” and get real, the faster you will escalate back into an authentic connection that will lead to the bedroom…and eventually to a healthy relationship, if that‟s what you want. So, what if it does get awkward? If there are moments of awkwardness and tension (the bad kind), get real and call it out. Seriously, if you two have an awkward moment, look her right in the eye, smile, and say, “Wow, that was an awkward moment.” When you call out the tension, you dissolve it.

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By the way, that’s why you don’t want to call out sexual tension. Nothing will kill attraction faster than if you say something like, “Hey, seems like we have really good chemistry, don‟t you think?” When you call out a feeling like awkwardness or attraction, you take it out of the kinesthetic experience and put it back in auditory digital (where you can think about things without having a sensory experience of them). So only call out the feelings you want her to get rid of. The Last Word: While the principles in this Conversation & Connection Skills Guide focus on attracting women, they can really be applied to all interactions you have. The best thing you can do is practice each principle, one at a time, until you get good at it. On the next page is a cheat sheet that lists all the principles for you. Remember, as you develop these skills, make sure to incorporate your own unique personality into your conversations with women. The more you remain confident, masculine, and authentic, the more attractive you will become. Your Inside Woman,

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