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Great Fundamentals: Handling Your Intangibles

by J.J. Jones Friday, 13 December 2013 Lately, I have received a lot of interest and requests for an article on what we refer to as “fundamentals”. If you’re relatively good with women now, then the importance of having a solid base to work off of is probably at least somewhat clear to you. Entering this field, having proper fundamentals should be your first and immediate concern, before you even attempt to learn anything else. Because if you aren’t attractive to women, then you oftentimes won’t even get a chance to practice the tactics and techniques that you’re learning. And, that’s what I am going to teach you how to do today: become more instantly attractive to the women you meet. Sound hard? Well, getting your fundamentals set is actually fairly straightforward and uncomplicated. It’s one of the reasons why guys should start off going down this path. And, better yet, there are really not a lot of hard and fast rules either. There are literally countless ways to up your value via all the different aspects of the basics and fundamentals, so you can pick and choose what sounds easiest to you at the moment, and work on those things first. All of what I am about to tell you is completely doable for any guy who is just starting out. Even if you’re brand new to all of this, you can still put these ideas and skills to use and start commanding women’s attention and getting the kind of immediate reactions that you want, while limiting the shrug-offs and confused glares that women will give you if you don’t quite have your foundation set just yet.

Defining “Fundamentals” What exactly do we mean by “fundamentals”? It’s a pretty sweeping term, and it covers basically everything from your body language to your voice to the type of clothing you wear and much, much more. Even your male scent (yes, you

can work on this too) falls under what we term “fundamentals”. A word to really help explain what we mean when we talk about fundamentals would be “presentation”. Essentially, it is how you present yourself to the women you are meeting. You’ve probably heard the term “vibe” mentioned quite a bit, when we talk about interacting with a female. Let’s take a look at the (informal) definitions of the terms “fundamentals” and “vibe” as taken from: From Cambridge Dictionaries Online: fundamentals /ˌfʌn·dəˈmen·təlz/ noun [plural] the main or most important rules or parts vibe /vaɪb/ noun the general mood a person or place seems to have and the way they make you feel

Your fundamentals actually create your vibe. This is why things like dressing to impress, having presence, giving a girl strong eye contact and being socially calibrated are so vital to your interactions with women- these things directly affect how you make her feel. With that out of the way, let’s move on to some examples. Although the following are all important things to consider as rudimentary to your success in seducing women, I’m not really going to delve into these topics in this article: •

Clothing / Fashion



Hairstyle and facial hair



Attractive male body



Male scent



Voice



Eye Contact



Body Language / Movement (your walk, gestures and facial expressions)

If we did attempt to fully encompass all of those topics at once, it would darned near require us to write an entire book. We could literally write multiple articles on each of them (and in all likelihood we will, just not right at this moment).

In this particular article we will be focusing on some of the more intangible assets that you will need to acquire in order to get women swooning just by your mere presence in the same room. These are: 1. Your mental state or presence (confidence, charisma, dominance and edginess), 2. Your overall mental skill level (intelligence, vocabulary and mental agility), and; 3. The social calibration that you display. Each of these things can, and ultimately will at some point, make or break your interactions with women. This is why you need to be at your peak level on each of those three points, as they are simply indispensable assets to have in your arsenal of seducers weaponry. When you get the mental and physical parts down pat, and learn to be socially agile as well, you will find yourself in a very good place for getting positive reactions from women. Simply put, the combination of these things is the ultimate seduction package.

Mental “Presence” Have you ever overheard a woman talking about some man she knows, that she thinks is so sexy, and heard her say the words: “I don’t know what it is… it’s just how he carries himself”? What she is talking about is two things: 1. His physical presence (body language) and… 2. His mental presence This man she is fawning over is a confident, charismatic individual who in all likelihood has a bit of an edge to his personality, and it shows in his movement and his facial expressions. With each minute gesture, he exudes an air of dominance and sexiness.

In my last article I talked a bit about how taking risks increases your testosterone levels, in turn making you bolder and more assertive in your actions. It’s a circular concept, as is this one. Your mental presence will have a direct effect on your body language, just as having strong posture and operating slowly with controlled movement will fill you with a feeling of power and confidence. Try this out: Assume a stance that will inject you with confidence. Uncross your arms, open your legs, lift up your chin and your chest, and put your shoulders back. Breathe deeply and calmly. How do you feel? Do you feel like you are ready to take on the world? Although, it’s not the world you’re after. It’s just a girl, so you should be fine. Your mental presence is the X factor that makes you a luminary. It’s not the expensive jewelry you’re wearing, or the car you’re driving or who your friends are. It’s this aura of personality that draws people in and holds their rapt attention. George Clooney taps into this magic stuff at will - but so does that friend you know that brightens up the dullest party, or the guy at work that you know with the infectious smile who’s rising to the top of your company ever so quickly. My point here is, this is completely attainable for you. How do you “get” charisma and mental presence? As Ricardus mentioned in his 2012 article, “The 3 Things to Know If You Want to Be Charismatic”, you will need to: •

Show conviction (be convinced of what you are doing, and rid yourself of self-doubt),



Be friendly (treat any and all people as if they are your friend), and;



Don’t worry about what people think (about you or your ideas or beliefs).

That is only a portion of the formula. Really, the most important fundamental aspect of having charisma and presence is your body language (and to a certain degree, your physical appearance). However, again, what we’re focusing on in this article is how to add to that, and really create a powerful, attention-grabbing presence. Additionally, I would add a couple more things to Ricardus’ list: •

Be positive, engaging and versatile (you should be able to speak to a variety of people about a variety of topics)



Focused intensity and distracted behavior (have strong opinions, know what you want, but don’t give too much attention to people)

While at first you’ll be doing all of this with a conscious mind, all it takes is a good bit of repetition and practice for your mind and body to catch hold of it. Soon, these things will just

come as second nature to you. If you can give off sharp, piercing eye contact and display strong body language, and marry those skills with everything I outlined for you above, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a tractor beam of sexiness, forcing itself into women’s souls the very instant you meet them.

Mental Skill Level I have already delved into mental skill and social calibration in the previous section a little bit, and, well, that’s because the three things I’m discussing actually overlap quite a lot. Being socially graceful and well-calibrated actually has a profound affect on your mental presence, while being able to show social calibration and have presence requires mental skill. As for your mental skill, intelligence is a very attractive quality to women. That doesn’t mean that the database administrator that works in the basement of your office building with the denim shirts and plaid pants is rolling in women. But, it is something that any girl will appreciate in a man, and hey - what pretty girl wants to be stuck with a big, dumb ape for the rest of her days? Work on increasing your vocabulary and using different words. You can only say something is “cool” or “awesome” so many times before she expects you to whip out a skateboard and a boom box and ride off into the horizon. Think about the following statement you’d make to a pretty girl: •

“You’re really cute.”

Simple, and to the point. But it’s kind of lame after she hears it for the 17th time that night. Now, let’s think about this one instead: •

“You have extremely alluring qualities about you.”

How many times does she hear a man say that to her? A great compliment like that shows her a level of intellect that surpasses all the rest of the bland, boring men that have been approaching her, and makes you stand out. How do you ramp up your vocabulary? Well, that’s really pretty easy. I use a thesaurus at work at times when I write emails. I can’t admit to being a perfectionist, but my communication skills are something that I take pride in and have always worked to improve for purposes of both my social life and my professional career. Another wonderful skill to have in your possession is the ability to be witty and mentally agile. Your mental agility plays a large part in how socially calibrated you are, as we’ll get into later.

Being able to think quickly and make a decision and act, as opposed to just reacting, makes you much more flexible and able to handle situations that normally would be quite difficult. To be a quick thinker, you will need to work on this constantly. Out of the three things (mental state/presence, mental skill and social calibration), this is the hardest one to master. One of the most important things you can do to learn how to deal with immediately-presented situations that call for your action, has to do with your ability to be calm in these situations. You have to realize that not every stressful situation is the same, and there’s no template of reaction that you can just use as a default response when you need to. You are going to have to improvise at some point or another. So train yourself to quiet down mentally when one of life’s curveballs comes hurling at you. Like any learned behavior, it requires a lot of repetition. So, you’re not going to morph into James Bond overnight. The guys you see batting .300-plus in the major leagues have spent thousands of hours in the batting cage. You have to learn to focus on what it is you’re being presented with. The widespread, seemingly cultural inability to actually focus on what you need to and train the mind has resulted in a lot of new diagnoses (ADD, ADHD, AD holy-sh*t-look-at-this-funny-squirrel-video D) and a lot of pharmaceuticals, but the fact is that you can most definitely make yourself aware of what is going on right now and take appropriate action to handle the situation.

So now that we know how crucial it is to be mentally prepared, seem intelligent and work quickly with your mind to become an enchanting figure that women marvel over, let’s look at the final piece to the puzzle:

Social Calibration Ever heard a girl talking about how she met some guy, and he was totally creepy, and wondered how you keep from being labeled like that? Well, the answer is pretty simple, and thankfully, fairly easy to explain. The underlying issue here is that many of the guys I see who are having trouble with women are coming at things with the wrong mental model. They’re approaching women with so much care and caution as if the women were a ticking time bomb; one itty-bitty mistake and KABOOM!! Everything is completely ruined… It isn’t the mistake you make, it’s how you follow it up that really matters. Know where people’s lines are drawn, navigate right up to the edge if you want to, but don’t go over them.

The best way to define social calibration is “the ability to read and react accordingly in social environments”. You have to be able to read social cues and act accordingly to them. Again, we’re overlapping key points here, because it does require a fair bit of mental agility to become socially calibrated. A really great reason to train yourself to be socially calibrated is that you’ll be more at ease with dealing with people in general because you know what to expect from them and how to act around them. Learn what people’s boundaries are, and how close you can get to them without crossing them. How do you recover when you do push things too far? Do you smooth things over and explain your side of things and why it’s unreasonable that they’re upset about it? Are you able to stay calm, and clarify your intent, or do you get all excited and defensive and just make the situation worse? Not only is social calibration about how other people tick, and how to act around them, but also about knowing what works for you. Do your actions mesh well with your personality? Being congruent is critical to being socially calibrated. Don’t just do something because you saw Daniel Craig or Sean Connery do it in a 007 flick. If it’s not your style or congruent to your personality, you’ll just end up with a handprint on your cheek or wearing her drink, or both. Understanding your environment is key also. Context ultimately colors how we interpret social cues. Telling a dirty joke in a bar is socially acceptable. However, telling the same joke to the same people (more or less) at church is not going to net a very good reception. Another good example of understanding your environment is that approaching a woman on the street during the day will be interpreted differently than approaching the same woman on the same street at 2 in the morning. You have to be able to take things like this into account, to help formulate how you are going to interact with her. Weigh all the factors to the equation as best you can, and use your mentally agile mind to figure out how you need to come off physically and verbally. Your environment and the mindset of the people in that environment dictate how you operate within it. You can still meet plenty of girls at the mall or at the coffee shop, just like you can at your favorite club, but you’ll need to tailor your vibe to match theirs. And, their vibe will depend largely on what surrounds them. At this point, you probably have a pretty good handle on just exactly how much being observant, thinking quickly, responding appropriately and knowing “where you’re at” will help you in social circles and places. But, here’s a good rundown for you if any of it didn’t stick the first time:



You have to be able to read social cues and respond appropriately.



You must learn how to know what to expect from the other people you’re interacting with.



You need to be able to tailor your words, demeanor and actions to various people or environments.



And, basically, treat others how they’re treating you.

Social calibration is an absolute cornerstone to your success with women and dating. People like to say it’s just a numbers game; if you talk to hundreds of women, you’ll get a few of them. But, the more socially calibrated you are, the more dynamic you’ll seem to people.

What happens then is you end up getting more women in bed with you, or needing fewer approaches to find that special girl you’ve been looking for. Once you become socially aware and calibrated, you’ll suddenly stop hitting all those girl’s creeper buttons, and you’ll end up hitting a lot of their G spots instead.

Wrapping Up Your Intangibles So now that we’ve covered three huge areas you can improve to ratchet up your fundamentals in a big way, let’s re-trace our steps and see the big picture. The most important things I want you to take away from this are: •

Fundamentals and vibe are not the same. Your vibe is the effect your fundamentals have on people.



Your mental state and the amount of mental presence you have is huge in creating a charismatic aura.



Work on your mental presence until it becomes unconscious and effortless.



Increase your vocabulary to make yourself stand out a bit. You’ll impress a ton of women this way.



Hone your mental agility and quick-decision making.



Be socially aware and calibrated.

That’s a lot of work for you to do, but trust me - it’s well worth it. There’s miles and miles of difference between a good looking man with a nice haircut who’s passive, shy and awkward and a good-looking man with a devil-may-care attitude who is quick on his feet and knows how to charm everyone who surrounds him. Once you garner all these skills and traits and put them on display, women will start to see you as a walking sex-symbol, as opposed to just some invisible man who walks past on the street.

So, go ahead… go be that walking sex symbol that makes women stop dead in their tracks. I don’t think any woman’s going to complain if you do. Until next time, J.J.

Learning from Reactions: Developing Social Calibration

by Chase Amante Saturday, 27 November 2010

Paying attention to others and measuring and analyzing how they react to you is a dangerous game. It can lead to all sorts of bad things – “analysis paralysis”, too much of a focus on reactions and too little of one on results, and attention-seeking and reaction-grabbing behavior to the extreme. And yet, monitoring and learning from reactions is an utterly vital habit to get into. Without reaction analysis, most folks are doomed to low levels of social calibration for life.

Studying Reactions Most women grow up very closely monitoring and studying the reactions of everyone around them, and stressing over them. They beat themselves up over minor social faux pas, and fret over the smallest social detail. Some men do this too as boys – but many don’t. One of the ways that life is unfair is that the earlier you start doing something, the easier a time you’ll have mastering it and the higher your theoretical “ceiling” for learning that skill is. The

unfair part is that no one tells you when you’re young what the most important things to start mastering early are; if they did, social calibration would be one of them. Most women edge most men in having an easier time mastering social calibration, and have a higher possible “ceiling” for how socially adept life is, because they start paying attention to subtle social details a lot earlier. But, as a man you can catch up! That’s because men tend to logically apply themselves and consciously figure out underlying rules and modify their behavior in ways that women quite often don’t… if they focus on something. The only reason most men come up far short when measured against women on social calibration and social intuition is that they simply haven’t applied themselves the way women have. So how do you develop social calibration and a sharp social intuition? Focused practice, reaction analysis, repetition, and experimentation. You must train yourself to be attuned to how others reaction around you – and you must get good at analyzing those reactions.

The Wrong Way to Study Reactions When I moved from sixth grade to seventh grade, something changed. For some reason I couldn’t explain at the time, my classmates shifted from viewing me as the biggest outsider in school, a man apart with utterly no friends, to suddenly treating me like some kind of celebrity. The coolest kids started coming up to talk to me, and asking me to hang out with them and go to their parties. The prettiest, most popular girls in school would flirt with me and ask me on dates – even the girls in the grade above me, something that just didn’t happen. An eighth grade girl would never ask out a seventh grade boy – especially not the prettiest, most popular eighth grade girls in school. But they asked me out. I know now, and I began to suspect at the time, that it was a combination of my defiant separateness – I refused to join sides with anyone – my intellect on display in the classroom – where I was generally the fastest, most thorough learner out of all my classmates and a consistent participant – and traits I possessed that made me “cool”: moving slowly, speaking slowly, using eye contact strongly, ending conversations first, being the one who walked away, not waiting for others’ reactions. These things made me a compelling figure to those around me. Yet, after that first taste of popularity, I became addicted, and I needed more. But, with a social fear that prevented me from accepting the invitations of the cool kids and the popular girls, I had to get attention in a way that didn’t involve actually making friends. Learning to draw people in then was hell. I found myself putting immense pressure on myself to always be a star; and I paid incredibly close and detailed attention to the reactions of others, beating myself up over bad reactions and focusing intently on how to get good ones.

I’m quite glad for it today; because of it, I have an extraordinarily attuned social intuition. But I don’t recommend this approach at all. You can’t make focusing on reactions your top priority – here’s why: •

You become oversensitive to rejection. When your top priority becomes getting good reactions, any perceived rejection seems a huge defeat. As a result, you become very conservative in your actions and highly risk avoidant – something that will stifle your progress in meeting women. You need to think in numbers when it comes to approaching girls, and risk-avoidance will kill your ability to do that.



You devote too much mental energy to details. While I wish I could prescribe adopting a laser focus on the details of reactions to every man to really develop a strong social intuition, in reality it’s quite impractical. The amount of time and obsessing it takes to really hone one’s social calibration to the level women possess and beyond is stultifying; it’s far better for you to focus on moving faster with women and persisting with women than it is to focus on why she said X or what Y facial expression means is going through her head.



You miss the big picture. What’s seduction all about? Getting a woman to like you as much as possible… or getting her to become intimate with you? Fact is, the men women like the most are also the men women are most careful not to mess things up around, and the ones they want to take things very slowly with to avoid losing. Which means, oftentimes, they won’t sleep with men they like too much too soon, and if it doesn’t happen quickly, it often simply won’t happen at all. You don’t need a woman to think you’re the most amazing man on Earth. You just need her to like you enough to want to get intimate with you; the rest (dating, relationships, etc.) you can build from there.

Studying and learning from reactions is good; but you can’t make it your sole driving focus, as I did back in high school and junior high. It’s crippling for the soul; and rather than focusing on moving things forward and getting results, all you end up doing is a small test here and a small test there and passively studying how people react to you. If you’re trying to get good with women in a hurry, small steps tests and half measures are not enough.

The Right Way to Study Reactions What I recommend men do these days to best learn from reactions and develop social calibration are as follows: •

Build synergy by meeting women in a range of circumstances. Most men focus on meeting women in one kind of venue – nightclubs, dive bars, coffee shops, or parties and

social circle, for instance. The problem is, women all act and react a little differently in different situations, and you’ll get different reactions to different things in different situations. If you’re meeting women across a range of circumstances, however, you’ll be exposed to, and forced to adapt to, all these different varieties of reactions, and the more you see, the more your general social calibration improves – and general social calibration is the type of social calibration most men are badly in need of; it’s that underlying sense of what to do in any situation with any reaction. Ultimately, getting good at meeting women at nightclubs, coffee shops, and parties will make you better at meeting women at parties than if you focused on just parties alone. •

Get diverse friends. Diverse in every way: background, socioeconomic status and class, nationality, ethnicity, personality. Get some passionate friends and some blasé ones. Get some rich friends and some poverty-line friends. Get some friends who are models, some who are construction workers, some who are writers, and some who are MDs. By exposing yourself to a large swatch of different kinds of people and forcing yourself to learn to interact with all of them, you will develop a far broader and more comprehensive social intuition than if you spent time principally associating with only one kind of person.



Push for results. By focusing on results rather than just reactions, you’ll develop social calibration and build a social intuition far more quickly and more efficiently than I did back in high school. When your sole focus is reactions, you can only guess at what an individual reaction really means; when you push for results – when you ask women to sit with you, give you investment, open up to you, go home with you, get intimate with you – only then do you really know where they stand. Some women whom you might think are reacting very well might never go home with you; some who don’t seem to be reacting well at all will accompany you home and get intimate with you if you only ask. The best way to find out what reactions really mean is to push for results.

This studying of reactions from a variety of women in a variety of situations, of having friends you get to know and interact with with a variety of backgrounds, and of pushing for results rather than stopping at only studying the reactions themselves without tying those reactions to outcomes, will accelerate your growth and learning a thousandfold. You’ll be able to develop a strong social intuition and finely tuned social calibration at a rapid clip, and your development ceiling will be much higher than that of those who interact with only a limited variety of people in a limited variety of circumstances. By having both breadth and depth in your scope of learning social calibration, you enable yourself to learn quickly and deeply. Social calibration is one of those things you are only sort of vaguely aware you could use more of when you don’t have it. If you’re lacking, you won’t notice much of the things you’re doing wrong; but as you develop it, the clouds start receding from the sky, and all seems far more transparent in the world. Your theory of mind starts clicking; you know what other people are thinking, and can address women’s fears and concerns before they even think to voice them. You

know exactly what to say and do to best excite and intrigue that new girl you met; and you know, of course, how to be “cool”. It’s one of the most critical, vital, essential things that you learn. So if you aren’t working on developing social calibration right now, and you aren’t learning at all from reactions… well… what are you waiting for? Yours, Chase Amante

Connecting with People: It's Easy (If You Do These 3 Things)

by Colt Williams Monday, 7 October 2013 You know those people who can just walk into a room and instantly become best friends with everyone? It seems like they have some secret quality that makes them charming, magnetic, and completely approachable. Have you ever wanted to be one of those people? Chances are you have. And I bet you still do. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s much, much easier than it seems to learn how to connect with people – to anyone and nearly everyone – anywhere, anytime, anyplace.

Today I’m going to show you a few simple steps to transform the way you interact with others, and master connecting with people.

Connecting with people comes about in the most unexpected of situations. But learning how to adapt to these scenarios and take advantage of opportunities is a hallmark of the ability to connect. The dictionary defines “connection” as the superficial link that you may form with someone in a given situation.

But I think there’s a lot more to connecting with someone than a “superficial link.” I really enjoy the business and religious definition of connecting, so that’s what I will use. Connecting: The ability to identify with and relate to people in a way that increases your influence with them and their influence with you. A few days ago, I met up with a friend of mine at one of th big bars in town as the night was wrapping up. He told me that he had two girls with him and wanted to bounce back to my place, which was nearby (ah, good logistics). When I arrived at the scene, he had two attractive girls with him, as promised. He was hemming and hawing about inviting them back, so I decided to condense the nonsense.

However, before I said anything, I noticed that one of the girls was quietly upset. She wasn’t crying or anything, but she looked like someone who had just had the life energy sucked out of her. So I said: Me: Hey, My name is Colt. You look like you’re a little down. I live nearby, why don’t you and your friend come grab some refreshments, unwind, and we’ll talk about it? She happily agreed, and on the way there she began telling me her story. I was attentively listening and delving deeper into her life. Within less than five minutes, she said something interesting: Her: Even though I’ve known [your friend] for almost four years now, I trust you a lot more than I trust him. Actually, I trust you more than any of the guys I’ve met in a while. A couple of years ago, this reaction would’ve surprised me. But now, I get it surprisingly often. We ended up having a deep conversation and spending the whole night up together; and even though I will probably never see her again, it was a connection that both of us will remember for quite a while. And if I did see her, we could pick up right where we left off. That is what connection does for you.

So, I bet you’re wondering how you can create moments like this for yourself. Well, there are three (3) main parts to being able to connect with anyone. Connecting with people is one of those things that’s simple, but does take time if you’re just starting. And in order to become a person who always receives the trust and admiration of strangers, you must master all three of those main parts.

#1: You Have to be Selfless A while back I wrote an article on leadership. In it, I noted the research that the most successful leaders were the ones who collaborated with others and built a sense of camaraderie and teamwork. It is said that being a leader means serving others first. This is the exact same mindset you should take into building connection. People who are pros at building connection use this mindset as their foundation, and build upon it with this these traits: •

Humility. It’s important that you always remain humble in every social situation, even if you are a man of high social value. No one ever wants to connect with someone who boasts about himself or thinks he’s better than everyone else.



Genuine Interest. It is 100% impossible to truly connect with someone if you don’t have a genuine interest in who they are or what they have to say. And there definitely will come times when people will excitedly chat you up about something you could care less about. There may be times where you will say very little in a conversation. In these situations you can either cut the conversational thread and try to find something you both care about, or you can cultivate a stronger sense of…



Curiosity. If you want to be able to connect with anyone, you have to be curious about a lot things (which most people are) and actually act on it (which most people don’t). If you see someone with an interesting necklace on, you can say, “Hey, that’s a really unique necklace, I love it! Do you mind telling me more about it?”

Developing the habit of acting on your curiosity will allow you have an endless well of topics to discuss, because you will always be able to ask questions that will get people talking - and you may even learn a thing or two! •

Approachability. You know those people whom you meet one minute, and feel like you’ve known for years the next? Those people have a high level of approachability. If you want to learn this trait, you must learn how to be a warm person. Warm people tend to be relaxed, have open body language, and have inviting facial expressions, like vibrant, unforced smiles. You can’t learn to connect with people if they’re not comfortable coming up to you (or having you come up to them).



Mirroring. People only open themselves up during conversation when they see

themselves in you. Learning how to mirror people is an incredibly powerful technique for building instant positive rapport. To do so, I suggest learning how to identify the four different Social Styles, and adapting your approach based on the type of person you’re talking to. Second, learning how to ask the right questions in order to figure out what people care about will allow you to keep positive conversational loops going and will get people excited to talk to you. This is why curiosity is so important. If you have random knowledge about a wide array of topics, you’ll be able to at least understand where people are coming from with their passions.

Third, sum up what people say to you. If someone shares a fact or a story, and you sum up the key parts/emotions that they just talked about, she will instantly feel like you “get her” and will continue to invest in you •

Focused eye contact. Eye contact is one of those things that should be emphasized and talked about more often. The brain sends out tons of relationship-building chemicals when you’re making eye contact with someone. Yet, many people avoid it because it can have that strong of an effect on you. People who are masters of connection take full advantage of eye contact and use it to their benefit. So, if you’re a guy who struggles with eye contact, try doing simple exercises like looking at your eyes in the mirror or consciously holding eye contact with close friends. These small habits will allow you to more consciously make eye contact in social settings.



Understanding/Non-Judgmental. A master of connection understands that everyone has their faults and their insecurities, just as he has his own. So make sure you remain non-judgmental when people share details about their lives that may make them selfconscious.



Passion/Contagious Emotion. The power of emotional contagion cannot be understated. Our mirror neurons are always firing, and we’re constantly picking up cues and energy from the people around us. So if you want people to get fired up by your energy, you have to learn how to build your social momentum early, and keep your emotional state independent of the situation. I suggest talking to anyone and everyone you can, exercising, and meditating in order to maintain your energy – especially if you’re naturally introverted. Also, beware of emotional vampires…they prey on passion and positivity.



Inspiration. Inspiration is something that nearly every writer on this site has talked about at one point or another (including me, in my first article on Girls Chase). If you want to connect with people – women, bartenders, entrepreneurs, the elderly, anybody – you have to be able to inspire them. If they walk away from conversation with you thinking, “Wow, that guy really got me thinking. I should start making more positive

decisions,” you will consistently have a powerful effect on people. I saved this one for last because it is a culmination of all of the previous traits. Inspiration is essentially: passion + contagious energy + selflessness. When you’ve got people feeling inspired by you, you’ve got this first component on lock.

#2: You Have to Add Value The second component to being able to connect with anyone is the ability to add value. Value is just another way of saying that you’re serving others in a tangible way. If you’re constantly creating value for people, not only will they hold you in high regard, they will more likely reciprocate favors when you need them, and follow your lead in social situations. As I mentioned in my article on presence, I used to always freestyle rap about people’s favorite topics in order to add value (and still do on occasion). But in the adult/professional world, that’susually not going to cut it, heh. So here are a few (of many) examples of how you can add value in your efforts to connect with people. •

Give unique compliments. People never get tired of hearing nice things about themselves. However, try to go beyond a generic compliment and give someone something that they aren’t likely to forget. A woman once wrote my name on a nametag, and I told her that she could’ve penned the declaration of independence with her handwriting. Turned out she came from a long line of calligraphy masters that started in the 17th Century…you never know what you’ll discover if you zero in on something unique.



Offer good advice. Chances are you’re an expert in something. So if you learn of a problem that someone is having that you could offer some key perspective on, this can go a long, long way. Don’t do it in a condescending manner, but say something like, “If you don’t mind me offering my opinion, and do feel free to ignore it, maybe you should…” People appreciate those who can solve their problems, or at least make them less hairy for them.



Share. Sharing is caring. It’s great advice. Sharing some food or something else that you have on you – even if it’s small – can generate big results. It’s not only a great way to start a conversation, but it makes an incredible first impression as well.

I was once on a train from Thailand to Malaysia. There was a cute Aussie girl who was offering a bite of some street food that she picked up before the ride. But, everyone refused it for some strange reason. When she got to me, I told her my first rule of travel: unless it puts you in danger, always say yes. And then I shared a freestyle with her when I found out it was her

birthday. These simple acts eventually led to the two of us going on an unforgettable tropical island adventure together…so yeah. Share, share, share. •



Be giving. I used to have a pair of friends who would take mental notes of one or two things that people really enjoyed or were passionate about. And every so often – out of the blue – they would give someone a gift of his favorite object or food or whatever it was. Needless to say, these friends were loved by all. Not only was it the act of giving in itself, but it was also a demonstration of how much they paid attention and a validation of the people they connected with. This can be a very powerful way of sparking a connection with someone you hope to meet (maybe a high-profile presenter visiting your town) or with someone you just connected with (that colleague whom you hope to build a stronger relationship with). Learn to be a strong conversationalist. You will never master the art of connection if you don’t learn how to approach people and give them a solid conversation. It’s actually really funny how few people are able to escape mundane conversation. Once they get past “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” they run out of steam and start talking about the weather or discussing some other dry-as-bones topic.

If you want to be a good conversationalist, you have to ask interesting questions. Ask someone’s opinion on something that matters to you. Ask her what the best part of her life right now is. Ask what she wants to most improve on in the next couple of months. Questions like these do two things for you: 1. They are broad questions that elicit a deep answer. 2. They break people out of autopilot and have them take notice of the person asking them questions. •

Help people make connections. A very effective way of connecting with people is paying it forward. If you meet someone who would really gel with someone else you know for personal or professional reasons, be sure to connect them. People love being introduced to other like-minded people without trying. And they’ll always remember who connected them in the first place.

#3: You Have to be Vulnerable This is probably the hardest of these three components. It’s important to emphasize that connection is mutual. If someone is just investing in you, and you have no particular interest in what’s going on in her life or her sense of well-being, that’s not connection.

You don’t have to be as invested in an interaction or relationship as other people are, but you do have to have some investment and positive emotional association with the person. This TED talk is called “The Power of Vulnerability.” It essentially outlines that people who allow themselves to be vulnerable: 1. Are more resilient to the challenges of life 2. Have a higher capacity for interpersonal connection 3. Are more empathetic 4. Are generally happier A lot of men believe that being vulnerable means that you are weak or not masculine. But really, vulnerability is the exact opposite. Men who are able to connect with people and serve others realize that there is no way any individual can win the battle of life alone. So once you “overcome your sense of separateness” from other people, as Brown put it in the video, you will be able to unlock new levels of potential and life effectiveness. So if you want to master the final piece to connecting with people, learn these practices: •

Learn to take advantage of the bonding chemical. Oxytocin is the chemical in the brain that is responsible for the feelings of affection and attachment between people. It’s released when you make eye contact with people. It’s released when you hug someone. It’s released in floods in women when they have sex with you (and especially when the reach orgasm).

It’s released when you reach out to people. Every time you share something personal with someone during a face-to-face interaction, both of your brains release oxytocin. Not only is this chemical for bonding, it also performs some major healing in your body as well. So being vulnerable is physically good for you. Understand the power of the bonding chemical and take this knowledge with you in future interactions. •

Share personal details about your life. If someone asks you a mundane question, spice it up by giving them a thoughtful, deep answer. You don’t have to give them your life story, but get the ball rolling with an honest answer. Don’t be afraid to talk about your weaknesses and shortcomings. This is an easy way to disarm people, because it shows that you’re down-to-earth and just like them. And as you build deeper rapport, tell relational stories to strengthen your connection with them.



Trust people. Trust is the basis of connection. The easiest way to make yourself a trustworthy person is to trust others yourself. Obviously, be judicious with whom you place your confidence, but if you show people that you have faith in them, they will

place a great amount of confidence in you, your thoughts, and your words. •



Invest in people. Investment is funny because in seduction, you want to minimize your level of investment while maximizing a girl’s level of investment in you. But if you want to connect with people, you want to keep investment levels pretty equal. At times, you’ll want to invest a bit less. And at other times, you want to invest a little bit more. If people see that you place high value on your relationship with them (not too high, but reasonable) they will usually respond in kind, and mutually work to build a relationship through give and take. And as more time passes, this process will only continually strengthen your connections. Don’t take yourself too seriously. The most secure and well-liked men are able to laugh at themselves. Humor is a great way to make yourself relatable and a powerful method for remaining relaxed and poised in nearly any social situation.

Wrapping Up Connection is about investing in others while being open about yourself. If you can master the three components that allow you to reach out to people, you will be able to connect with anyone.

Just remember: 1. Be Selfless 2. Add Value 3. Be Vulnerable Now go out and be the person everyone wants to connect with. And while you’re out doing that… Carpe diem, Colt Matt, I used to have this exact problem. Sharing with women was something that just didn't come naturally to me. And to be honest, even though I do it more often now, I've realized that friendships with girls are usually a lot more fleeting, so I don't sweat it too much if they don't know everything about my life. But the key is to sit down, and consciously give them *one or two good nuggets* every so often. So, say you had a really bad experience as a kid that you don't tell many people about, you should say: "I don't really talk about this with many people. But I trust you enough to share this with you. So, when I was younger..." and you tell them what it is. But with women, they love psycho-analyzing the WHY. So if you can tie that in, you're gold. I always tell female friends/girlfriends that I grew up in a family where men were always taught to be tough, and we didn't really have much physical contact (when we weren't fighting). So i never really learned how to touch people in a loving way until really recently. And am still working on it. Which is why I can be standoffish sometimes. So forgive if I'm like that and you don't get it. See what I did there? I revealed a *tiny* bit of mystery about myself, tied it to a weakness of mine, and built empathy by telling them to forgive me if I'm not always physically affectionate. But I think with women, you always should keep *some* air of mystery. It just makes them more invested in you if they can't figure you out. And attachment, as we talk about, is almost entirely dependent on what the other person invests. And it sounds like they've invested a lot. Just give them those small rewards so that they stay happy. But...even if you do feed them a little info....it'll just make them wonder more ;) And I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but if there ever comes a time when you want

to hook up with a friend, it's easier if you're this "knows everything about me but still a mystery" guy vs. "Oh Matt! I know him inside and out!" Feel me? I hope this helped Matt! Thanks for the comment and thanks for the love! -Co

Don't Get Hung Up on Topics

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Yesterday, I got into an elevator where I found a really cute girl with an electric scooter. Most people just park their scooters downstairs, so I found it odd she’d brought hers with her. “You’re bringing it with you!” I commented. She giggled pretty hard. “Why didn’t you leave your scooter downstairs,” I asked. “Afraid someone will take it?” She laughed again, but seemed not to understand. One of the problems of living in a foreign country is that sometimes people just don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I decided to try again. “Your scooter,” I said, pointing to it. “Why are you taking it upstairs?” Again, she just giggled and shook her head. “Are you scared someone will take it? Steal it?” I pressed, trying to be as simple as possible. She still didn’t understand, and we reached her floor and she said “bye bye” and waved and got off. I instantly, as I am wont to do, performed a post-mortem on the interaction. She gave me a big smile, laughed, at least seemed mildly receptive, and from experience I know in general that most girls just flat out like me. So how come I didn’t get anywhere with this one? And almost instantly it came to me – I got hung up on a topic.

Getting hung up on topics is one of those things I’m always careful about telling students I coach to avoid, because it’s one of those insidious little things that has a huge impact but is well nigh invisible to the average man. Most men don’t realize that getting hung up on a topic is bad for their interactions; they just, as I did with that girl in the elevator, keep hammering on the same topic that wasn’t getting a good reaction in the first place, and end up spinning their wheels and not going anywhere at best, or backsliding at worst. This is part of adjusting on the fly – something I ought to and will at some point write a post on. Not getting hung up on topics though is probably the most essential verbal element of adjusting on the fly.

Why Topics Don’t Hook It’s always frustrating when you start talking about something and the girl you’re talking with just doesn’t seem to get it. And it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to restate the question / topic (bad), or just plain old repeating yourself (terrible). But those are most men’s default fall backs when a topic doesn’t seem to be understood or properly responded to; if she didn’t get it, just keep hammering it until she does. Why do topics not engage sometimes in the first place anyway? Let’s have a quick look at the four main reasons: •

She didn’t hear the statement



She didn’t understand the statement



She doesn’t relate to the statement



She doesn’t like the statement

Straightforward, right? Either she didn’t hear or didn’t understand what the guy said, or it’s not something she can relate to or she doesn’t want to talk about it. Now let’s take a little bit of a deeper look at each of those. What does each one of them tell you? •

She didn’t hear the statement. Unless the guy’s speaking in a really low voice, this should tell him that her interest was not piqued by the topic. Try talking to someone you know in a quiet voice about things that interest them, and things that don’t, and take note of how much they hear of each topic. You’ll be surprised to notice that even when you’re talking quietly, people pick up on a lot more of what you say if it’s something they’re interested in.



She didn’t understand the statement. Could be there’s a language barrier, as in my case, or could be it’s an uncommon / unusual topic she doesn’t think about much and trying to think about it is more mental effort than she’s willing to put in at this point. Either way, she probably still isn’t going to get it – or want to get it – even if the guy rephrases.



She doesn’t relate to the statement. If a guy starts talking about stuff a girl doesn’t relate to, sometimes she’ll seem not to understand, but it’s primarily because she doesn’t understand on a relational level. It’d be like if you walked up to a British car mechanic and started talking to him about agricultural law in French Polynesia. He’s likely not going to hear or understand because it’s something completely alien and utterly uninteresting to him.



She doesn’t like the statement. Think about something you don’t like. Now imagine you’re in a conversation with a stranger, and that person starts trying to talk to you about that thing. You’re probably going to give them at least a few, “Huh?”s and, “Uhhh…”s as you try your darnedest to avoid thinking and talking about it.

In other words, most of the time when a topic doesn’t hook, there’s a good reason why, and pressing on that topic is not going to help. You might be able to press on it and get a mediocre response, but you’re still losing the battle. Pressing here does you no good. Getting Un-Hung on Topics That Don’t Hook So, we’ve established that if a topic fails to connect – if some topic you’re talking about with a woman just doesn’t hit home – there’s almost always a very good reason why, and pressing the issue doesn’t help. In fact, quite often it hurts. In that case, what do you do? Here, the solution’s incredibly easy – you simply change topics and switch directions. So, you use a non-hook topic change indicator: •

“Anyway…”



“Not important.”



“Doesn’t matter.”

And start in on your next topic. So, for instance, with my conversation with the girl in the elevator, I’d have stood a much better chance of finding something she understood had I switched topics than had I kept hammering on the topics of “theft” and “bike”, words or concepts that obviously weren’t clear. I’ll give you an example of a conversation I had recently that I used this in to good effect:

Me: How’d you end up in the field you’re in now? Girl: Pardon? I don’t understand the question. Me: Not important. So why are you here in Beijing? Why here and not anywhere else? In this case, the reversal was pretty dramatic. I’d been talking with a girl from outside the country, and we’d just met, and we were discussing her career, but after just a few sentences traded on that topic I could sense that it wasn’t something she was terribly interested in discussing and I wanted to ditch it. When she didn’t understand the question, that told me her mind wasn’t working all that hard to find a way to understand. It wasn’t something that was a priority for her. So, I changed topics, and struck off in a completely different direction. I went for something that would almost certainly be more interesting, and it was. She then launched into telling me a great deal about herself, I found out that in addition to being quite cute she was also a very ambitious person with a lot of dreams and goals, and we agreed to meet again later as I had to run then and couldn’t stay.

In addition to helping you quickly switch off bad topics and on to good ones, being aware of this kind of thing and responsively taking action and adjusting on the fly is itself a very attractive trait to showcase. You will almost always see an attraction boost, and you will almost always see women start working harder and putting more effort into an interaction, after you cut off a bad / boring / unproductive topic without pressing it (as most men are wont to do) and instead change gears and launch into something different. Only the most socially adroit individuals do this – so if you start doing it, you communicate a veritable cornucopia of good things about yourself to women. And of course, it keeps you off spin-your-wheels topics and onto topics that throw you into first gear. So next time a girl doesn’t understand, rather than try to pound the point home, just change topics. And don’t worry, if it was truly something she wanted to talk about – she’ll bring it back up!

Baiting vs. Trading Information

by Chase Amante Monday, 14 March 2011

Most men who've been studying the social arts a little while come to realize, either consciously or instinctually, that coming out and telling women things about themselves unasked is an inferior means of conversing than first being asked for things before telling them. People start to come to understand the laws of effort and investment intuitively, and they recognize that another person putting in effort to learn something about them is better than another person putting in no effort and learning something about them regardless. Even then, though, this rule – a very important social rule – often flies under the radar of most men, and they continue seeking to build rapport with women (or even attempting to force rapport, you might say) by sharing as much free, unasked for information about themselves as they can. I call this "trading information," and view it as one of the vilest, most heinous social crimes you can commit. It does two things that are positively detrimental to your efforts to be charming and engaging and delightful and seductive with women, and, after an example of what many guys do and you ought not to do, I'll explain both of those below. Then, I'm going to introduce a concept some of you may be familiar with but many are not: baiting, and how you as a conversationalist can use it to get women vastly more invested in you and your conversations with them.

Trading Information: How 99% of Men Converse Guy: I saw you walking here, and I had to come tell you that you are the cutest girl I've seen this week. I'm Will. Girl: Oh, hi. Thanks so much. I'm Selena. Guy: So where are you off to? Girl: Oh, um, I'm just going to the store to buy a few things. Guy: That's great. I'm just getting back from seeing a movie. On my way to go get some dinner now.

Girl: Oh, I see. Guy: So what do you do? Girl: Uh, I manage a restaurant in the city. Guy: Oh wow! My job isn't nearly as impressive; I'm a software engineer a few blocks away. Just in this short snippet, you hopefully can pick up that this conversation is not engaging at all. Neither party is feeling genuinely connected or interested, and it feels awkward and unnatural for both of them. The man is clearly the pursuer, and the woman is in the position of wanting the pursuit to stop, because it's too clumsy and unsmooth and makes her feel uncomfortable. Why is that, though? If I were to ask you why that snippet of conversation feels so off, could you list out some reasons? Well, the root, the one we mentioned at the start of this article, is that the man here is seeking to trade information. In other words, he's hoping that by having her tell him a bit about herself, and him telling her a bit about himself, that somehow that will then inspire attraction between the two of them, and he'll eventually get a phone number, or a date, or he'll somehow end up with this girl in his bed. As it were though, none of that happens, the vast majority of the time. Instead, it just comes off weird and unnatural. But why is trading information such an odd-feeling, unnatural way to converse? There are two reasons: •

She's just met this man, and doesn't care about him yet. Why does she need to know what he's done with his day, or what he does for work? None of this matters to her; he isn't someone she sees as a part of her life at this point, or someone she has much interest in, even if she's somewhat attracted to him; and



By showing but little interest in what she has to say about herself, and quickly turning the focus to himself so he can tell her about what he's doing and what he does, he's communicating to her that he really isn't all that interested in her; instead, what he's primarily interested in is talking about is him.

So, she doesn't much care about him yet, and he's communicating that he doesn't much care about her and instead wants to tell her about him, a topic she's not really all that interested in. See how that's setting up most conversations with a death sentence right off the bat? This is what trading information is all about. It's an awful clumsy approach at getting to know a girl, though it's based on the best of intentions ("If I tell her stuff about me, she'll know more about me and like me more, and then she'll want to tell me more about herself!"). Unfortunately, those great intentions are grounded in a hypothesis that doesn't pan out (the hypothesis that

talking about oneself leads to women feeling connected and revealing more about themselves in turn). Instead, we want to go the opposite route – by using deep diving to find out deep, personal details about women in a hurry – and lead women to become intrigued with us and probe us for more information, rather than being handed that information unasked, through the process of baiting.

Combining Baiting and Deep Diving Just as trading information is awkward and ineffectual, the combination of deep diving and baiting is incredibly smooth, natural, and effective. Since I've been using this one-two conversational punch, I've had just about everyone I talk to entranced, and one woman after another telling me she feels so free and refreshed and amazing when she's talking to me. Oftentimes, this leads to us going to bed rather fast. With deep diving, you show women you're extremely interested in them, as special, individual, unique people, as opposed to the interest that most men show in talking about their own lives and stories with women they've just met. You display a total lack of interest in trying to impress – quite different from most men, who do everything they can to be fun and entertaining and impressive. And you rapidly move to deep, personal details, which make women begin feeling quite quickly upon telling them to you that you know them better than most people do – which, of course, because they've told you a great deal of things they've told to few other people, you do. Hand-in-hand with deep diving goes baiting. Baiting is how you get women to find out information about you. Why would you want women to find out information about you? Well, there are two main reasons: •

To get them to chase you and put effort into finding out who you are, and



To come off as a very deep man with many things to say but with whom those things don't show up until a girl probes for them and asks, thus positioning you as an extraordinarily deep, mysterious, intriguing man – every woman's romantic fantasy.

Notice that nowhere in there are "getting to know you" or "feeling more connected to you" our primary focuses. That's because people don't really care about getting to know you until they're sold on you and want to know more about you and how you think and why you do the things you do, and because people don't feel connected to you because you've told them a lot about you. People feel connected to you when they've told you a lot about themselves. Talk less about yourself, and have her talk more about herself. Anything you say about yourself, make sure it's something she's directly inquired about, or that it directly relates to what she's shared and helps build the conversation forward. And anything you say about yourself, make sure to keep it brief.

Those are the underlying principles of successful, engaging conversation, and if you hew closely to them, you'll do well.

Baiting Girls to Get to Know You What, then, is baiting specifically? Well, there are three forms of baiting, and I recommend you get to know them all very well. They are as follows: 1. Intriguing statements short on details. When a girl asks you what you do, if you tell her, "I'm a foreman. I manage construction sites for office buildings downtown. I also really like photography as a hobby," she's just been overloaded with more information than she asked for and doesn't have anywhere to take this thread. She also is going to feel like you've given her so much information, you must be one of these people who says everything there is to say about a topic, and has nothing further of interest to offer. Just off of that small statement, you've now been designated "slightly boring" and "probably average." Now if, on the other hand, she asks you what you do, and you say, "I'm a bit of a photographer, but by day I put buildings up downtown," she's going to want to know what you photograph, how long you've been doing it, how you got into it; and she's going to know what exactly you mean that you put buildings up downtown. Her curiosity is wetted, and because you've been intriguing but brief, she's going to have to ask you if she wants to know more. And when you use intriguing statements like this that are short on details, women almost always want to know more, and they instantly designate you "fascinating and extraordinary" – even if the details themselves are quite mundane. 2. Deep diving hard on one particular topic about her. This is what I use for women who are "hard cases," the ones I talk to who don't proactively seek to learn much about me early on in the conversation. The way it works is, you pick a basic topic, like what she does for work or where she went to school or where she's from, and just go deeper and deeper and find out more and more about it, until she realizes she's told you so much about herself in that area and doesn't know anything about you in that area that she feels a large amount of social pressure to then find out the corresponding information about you, at least at the surface level. Put simply, you asks a woman what she does for a living, but she doesn't ask you, so you ask her if she likes her work, how long she's been doing it, what she'd like to do instead, and all that, until she at last turns it onto you and says, "Well, what do you do?" Then you can use the brief, intriguing statements of Bait #1. 3. The drop-and-hang. We discussed the drop-and-hang before when we discussed responding to interruptions, in particular responding to a woman who's interrupted you in the midst of the telling of a story. Drop-and-hang is what you can use to get women to reengage you and ask you to resume the story you were telling.

Drop-and-hang is just as useful for general baiting as it is for that particular instance of being interrupted. It's something you'll use in a conversation with a woman who isn't asking you much about yourself, or when you've been talking to a woman for a long time about herself and haven't said anything about yourself in a while. You will basically come to the natural conclusion of whatever topic you were discussing about herself with her, and then let the conversation just die naturally. You might end the thread with a thoughtful, "Hmm," and smile a little bit and let your eyes slide off into the distance thoughtfully. Then wait a few seconds, and if she still hasn't reengaged, look back at her and smile warmly as if you're about to start laughing. She might laugh herself at the awkwardness of the pause in conversation with this guy she likes, and then she'll ask you something about yourself. "So, you said you were…" Note: you should not use the drop-and-hang early into a conversation with a woman who's anything short of in love with you and sold on you digging her too. Otherwise, she'll either auto-reject, feeling like you don't really want to talk to her, or she'll simply find it easier to exit the conversation than to put in work to move things forward with a guy she doesn't feel all that connected to or invested in just yet. The drop-and-hang is for use only with women you've been talking to for a while who are feeling connected and invested. Our example for Bait #1 – the intriguing statements short on details – was our mention of the man discussing his career who said he's a bit of a photographer, who puts buildings up downtown as his day job. That's intriguing, and makes a woman want to ask for more information. An example for Bait #2 might be a guy who asks a woman where she went to college, then asks her how she liked it, then why she chose that college, then if she still has any close friends from school or if she did the typical girl thing of fighting with all her friends and all her friends becoming enemies by the end of her four years, and just more and more about her and college until she finally asks, "Where did you go to school?" An example for Bait #3 might be a guy who has the same conversation as the guy in the Bait #2 example, but the girl just never thinks to ask where he went to school, too engaged in talking about her own college experience, perhaps, or maybe just not as socially savvy as most other women. So, once the man has exhausted this thread, he lets it die, then gets a little distracted, then looks back at the girl and smiles warmly and as though he's about to laugh. She smiles, and begins wracking her brain for what she can do to get the conversation reengaged, remembering that she'd been talking a lot about where she went to school but knows nothing about where he went to school – so she asks.

Parting Thoughts on Baiting One thing it's important to remember with baiting is that, with Bait #2 and Bait #3, the topics you're baiting women to ask you about must be topics you haven't discussed about yourself at all. If you've mentioned where you went to school already, and you're trying to bait her to ask you more about where you went to school by using Bait #2 or 3, it's going to be awkward for her to ask (because it won't feel directly relevant to the preceding conversation) and she might not even think to ask it at all. If on the other hand the topic hasn't been touched on on your side at all, that's when she's going to realize, "Oh! I don't know anything about his college – not even where he went to school!" and she'll have a ready topic she can use to engage you without feeling awkward or hesitant about it. Our first bait – being short and intriguing and getting women to ask us more about whatever we've mentioned – is the most powerful bait to use, though it's also dependent on her being interested enough to start asking questions. e.g., the chance to be intriguing about what you do isn't going to surface if she doesn't ask you what you do. The very reason baiting works – that you seem to have much to say but don't offer that information without first being asked – goes out the window if you offer information without being asked. Therefore, you can't start talking about what you do unasked and still hope for it to be intriguing and engaging. The very act of offering information unasked removes much of the potential to intrigue. If that all seems complicated, here's another way of thinking about it: women are much more interested in information they have to ask to find out than they are in information that's freely given to them. So, don't tell her something she hasn't asked about, and don't tell her all the intricate details and stories when all she asked was whether you had a good childhood ("I did, yeah," is often a sufficient answer; then you can ask her more about hers). Instead, wait for her to ask you something about yourself, then respond with an intriguing, engaging reply that makes her want to know more.

Getting Past Small Talk

by Chase Amante Thursday, 23 July 2009 Small talk is one of those things in life that it pays well to be good at -- but also pays equally well to move beyond as quickly as possible. When you've just met someone new, dwindling on small talk can be one of the most stultifying "nowhere zones" to end up in. Many a great new connection has been lost by the conversationalists' inability to move past this sometimes daunting formality. So what exactly is small talk, why do we engage in it -- and most of all, how do we get past it and get to real conversation? Wikipedia has this to say about small talk: “[S]mall talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance... it helps new acquaintances to explore and categorize each other's social position.” In laymen's terms, what that means is that small talk is how we get to know the basic facts about one another. “What's your name?” “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” – all that is small talk. Small talk's also used by friends, family members, or acquaintances who haven't seen each other in a little while – a way of catching up. “How's the job going?” “How's your daughter?” That's small talk. And while all that is fine and good, it's feels infinitely better to get beyond small talk and get to the meat and potatoes of conversing with other people – getting to know them better. Scientific American has even published a podcast here about a recent study with the following findings by researchers on the happiness level of study participants who engage in different levels of conversation to different extents: “[T]he happiest participants spent 70 percent more time talking with others than the least happy people. But more than just measuring amount of time spent talking with others, they also found a difference in the type of conversation happier folks engage in. “The happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and only a third as

much small talk as those who are least content.” Apparently, according to the latest science, not only is getting past small talk good for your love life – it's good for you overall. The problem that a lot of people have with small talk is that they can't get past it. Ever have one of those conversations where you've met someone new (or ran into someone you hardly know) and the two of you are both trying to make conversation, but you both just keep circling around and circling around and not finding anything to connect on? You can never quite get out of that awkward place of one person asking a question, the other person answering, and the conversation never really getting started? “So where you from?” a man asks a woman. “I grew up in Los Angeles; moved here four years ago. You?” she answers. “I'm from Portland,” he replies. “I see,” she says. “What do you do?” “I'm an accountant,” he responds. “I count dollar signs, mostly. How about you, what's your profession?” “I'm in the administrative office at the university downtown,” she tells him. “That's great,” he says. After an awkward pause, he asks, “So... how do you like working at the university?” “It's ok,” she says. “Nothing special. How do you like being an accountant?” “Well, it pays the bills,” he tells her. She offers some polite laughter, and he laughs in kind, and then there's another awkward pause. “Ok, I should probably go get another drink,” she tells him. “It was really nice meeting you.” “You too,” he says. What happened? They didn't get past small talk, and the conversation ended. Now, it may have very well been the case that she liked him and he liked her, and both of them were in fact interested in getting to know each other better, but eventually the failure to move beyond small talk made the conversation feel progressively more awkward and less comfortable and eventually the social pressure was too great for them to endure – and the woman, in this case, ended the conversation (and that uncomfortable awkwardness) by exiting it. Why does it feel awkward when people fail to get past small talk? It's because they end up talking about stuff they don't care about and they fail to relate. Does the guy above really care

how much this girl likes working at the university? Does the girl above really care that this guy is from Portland? Not likely on either count. The function that small talk provides – or is supposed to provide – is as a jumping off point into getting to know each other. But that never happened in the conversation above. What went wrong here was that both partners in the above examples missed opportunities to get to know each other better and build a real conversation (and get past small talk) by getting

personal and delving into meaningful topics – instead of staying on superficial levels. How does one do that? By asking pointed questions to get the other partner in the conversation to divulge more meaningful and more interesting tidbits and information. For instance: After our gentleman notes that he's from Portland, the lady may say: “I've never been to Portland. What's it like, and why did you leave there for here?” What she's done is asked him to tell her some of his story. “Why did you leave there for here?” invites him to go into his background. Once he begins relating the details of his life, his situation, how he came to move to this new town they both find themselves in, suddenly she knows much more about him and has more to relate to him on – and make more interesting and meaningful conversation on. Similarly, after she notes that she works at the university, rather than asking the pointless question of how she likes it, he might say: “Really? My friend works there too. What do you like better, being around college kids all the time or getting to work in the middle of downtown?” He's given her a couple of interesting options for telling him about what she likes. Now she can tell him about how she likes being around young people, or what she likes to do downtown. He's just handed her a few different ideas she can use to branch out in the conversation, rather than staying on the same boring topic of her job at the university (which she probably doesn't really want to think about a whole lot in her free time – unless of course she sees it as her calling!). He's also noted that his friend works at the university – giving her the opportunity to ask him who his friend is (maybe they know each other), what she does there, etc. If you're picking up a trend here, you've got a good eye; in each case, I've given you a few examples on how people can get to relating to each other better. Because that is what getting past small talk is really about – it's about reaching the point where the two of you are relating to each other and connecting to each other under mutual understanding. A failure to get past small talk is a failure to relate to another person.

And that's really all it is. And that's why it feels so awkward. When you're speaking with someone and you just can't get past small talk, what you know instinctively is that you're just not relating to her. And she feels the same. It can be terribly frustrating, especially when both of you want to be relating to each other (and moving beyond small talk), and it's just not happening. But here's a secret: once you master the art of getting beyond small talk, you can connect with almost anyone. The reason why is, most people want to be building new connections with other people, but often don't know how or aren't very good at it. It only takes one of the people in a conversation to be able to move the pair past small talk; once you're past it, you're conversing on a deeper level and relating to each other and conversation flows along far more smoothly and naturally. So let's go over how to get past small talk, and get you relating to the new people who come into your life. First, here's one more invaluable piece of info on what connecting to people really is all about: it's about getting them telling you about themselves. A really cool study I saw quite recently found that how connected to you a given person feels has nothing to do with how well that person knows you, and everything to do with how well that person thinks you know her. Which means that the more she tells you about herself, the more connected to you she feels. Because of this, when all she's told you is where she's from and what she does, she doesn't feel connected at all. But once she's begun telling you her dreams, hopes, passions, motivations, and story, she will begin building that connection more and more. Helping other people to feel you know and understand them is what relating to people is all about, and that's what getting past small talk really is. So without further ado, here are some of the best ways to move past small talk. Ask the right questions. Some of the most powerful questions you can ask are: •

“What do you like about that?”



“Why did you decide to do that?”



“Why are you doing XYZ instead of ABC?”



“If you could do anything else instead of XYZ, what would it

be?” The reason these questions are so powerful is twofold. 2. It breaks your conversation partner out of autopilot. By the time someone's reached the age of 20, he or she is so used to being asked the standard small talk questions that the answers come without thought. But we don't want her answering on autopilot. When she's on autopilot, she's failing to connect with you; instead, you want her thinking,

putting in some work in the conversation, and building a connection. When you get her thinking about things like what she likes, why she's doing what she's doing, or what else she could be doing instead, you get her telling you about herself and building that connection. 3. It moves instantly beyond the trite. How often does she get asked why she decided to become a photojournalist, or what else she might do instead and why? How many people are generally interested in what she really likes and wants to do? People love to talk about themselves, their passions, and their motivations, and when you give them the chance to do so with you, you've instantly broken past small talk. Relate to what you hear. Always try to relate whenever possible to what people tell you. So when someone says, “I'm from Portland,” you can say, “No way, I have a really good friend from there. It's rare to meet people from Oregon. How'd you find your way down here?” When you let someone know that you relate – something as simple as saying, “I've been to that town a few times,” or, “My friend can't stop talking about that restaurant,” or, “I've been trying to get up the nerve to try that sport forever,” you set them at ease and reassure them that they're not talking your ear off about something you don't care about. It relives the social pressure on them and allows them to relax and know that you're relating. Offer more detail. The number one reason people can't get past small talk? A failure to get enough information to make conversation on. When you go back and forth with another person, giving each other near-one-word answers for each question, the conversation dries up soon. e.g., “Where are you from?” a woman asks a man. “New York. You?” he says. “I'm from DC. How do you like New York?” she replies. “It's a great town. Ever been there?” he asks. “A couple of times. Have you been to DC?” she says in turn. “Once or twice,” he responds. There's nowhere to go with that conversation. But if you throw some details in, it starts to look like this:

“Where are you from?” she asks. “The City That Never Sleeps. I love it, but it's nice to be out of the concrete jungle for a bit. Where do you hail from?” he says to her. I'm from DC. How do you like New York?” she says back. “You know, it's a great town,” he tells her. “I used to live in a place that didn't have any public transportation; I'm grateful for it now. And there're always lots of different things to do; it's nice being in a town where you never have to worry about getting bored. What do you think of our nation's capitol?” Now, this conversation is primed to go somewhere. The man in question here took the opportunity to give his new connection some information about himself to work on; he mentions living in a place without transportation, and living in a town with lots of different things to do. Now, instead of making polite conversation that doesn't really scratch the surface of either party, he's given the woman he's speaking with the chance to ask him, “Where did you live before?” or, “What kind of things do you do in New York?” (which she'll likely ask him after answering his question about how she likes DC) and he can go into some detail on his background, and ask her about hers. Note that conversation is all about leading into topics; there needs to be a progression from one topic to another. That's why you'll never see a conversation that goes: “Where are you from?” “Melbourne, in Australia. Have you ever skied the Alps?” “No.” “Oh. Too bad.” It doesn't make sense. The poor person asking where this guy is from is going to be scratching her head, wondering why on Earth he asked her if she's skied the Alps. But you could see a conversation like this: “Where are you from?” “Melbourne, in Australia. I was just traveling in Europe, though – have you ever skied the Alps?” “No – did you do that while you were there?” Or like this:

“Where are you from?” “Melbourne, in Australia. Have you ever skied the Alps?” “No.” “Hmm. Well, the reason I ask is, I first left Australia about two months ago, and my mission was to ski the Alps. I got seriously sidetracked though – that's how I ended up here. I'm planning on getting back to Europe and skiing those Alps before I make my way back to Melbourne though – seeing how charming and adventurous you appear, I thought to suggest you come with me.” Remember to tie a train of thought back to the preceding thought – either at the beginning of the thought (how it's normally done), or by explaining the relation at the end of the thought (less common – more of an advanced conversational technique) – and you can relate just about anything to anything and make it natural. Forget to do so, and the conversation seems to randomly jump from topic to topic and thought to thought – so it's important to remember to tie it all together! ~~~~~~~~~~~ If you follow those three basic rules for breaking past small talk 1. Ask the right questions 2. Relate to what you hear 3. Offer more detail you'll be flying by it and getting to building connections fast in no time. Ideally you want to spend as little time in small talk as possible – use it only as a tool to jump off into real conversation and get relating to people. Do that and you'll be in real conversations quickly, reliably, and regularly – and I guarantee you'll enjoy meeting new people a whole lot more. And they'll enjoy meeting you too. All my best, Chase Amante

Conversation Example

by Chase Amante Sunday, 6 March 2011

A few weeks back one of the readers here requested I get up an example of how a typical conversation goes for me with a new woman, and how I engage her. I tried to put a few conversations to paper over the past few weeks, but each of them was less than a great example – either because the girl engaged me a little too aggressively herself to be all that useful to beginning and intermediate guys, or because I knew the girl already through social circle so it wasn't a completely fresh connection, or because there were multiple people involved and I was juggling other men competing for a woman while I built a connection with her.

So rather than post up one of those messy examples, which might be useful in some ways but less-than-useful in others, instead I'll put up a made-up example conversation to show how you can use conversation to engage a girl who's moderately interested. Note that this is all stuff I use with real women and I've structured the girl's response to reflect how women typically respond to these conversational topics. Two things that're definitely not conveyed are expressions and tonality. Think of Sean Connery's or Pierce Brosnan's self-assured tone and half-smile as they banter with women as James Bond, or Ryan Reynold's more overt tones and expressions as Van Wilder. I tend to go between these two styles. All you need is a moderate level of interest to build a connection. If you have a large amount of interest from a girl, she'll do all the work. If you have little or no interest, you might be able to make something happen, but it's going to be tricky and by no means a sure thing. A moderate level of interest, though, is manageable, so let's run with that.

Example Conversation Here's how a typical conversation for a guy who's skilled at being a conversationalist and knowledgeable in the way of deep diving will go. I'll give notes throughout. Let's place our hero in a lounge in New York City. Him: I saw you standing here, and I just had to come tell you you have the most striking sense of style I've seen all day. I'm Joe. Her: Hi… I'm Tina. Him: Hi Tina. How's your night going? Her: Okay. How's your night going? Him: It's going all right. So tell me, New York native or you come from somewhere far away? So far, pretty standard conversational fare. You can see we start to use more interesting words and phrasing; you want to capture her interest with your unique choices of words and phrase structures. Her: Nope, I'm New York, born and raised. Him: Ah, all right. So you know all the secret places the tourists and I can only guess about. Her: Where are you from? Him: Right now or originally?

Her: Um… right now. Some intricacies of conversation here. After she says where she's from, our guy builds up her value without really advancing the conversation, thus putting social pressure on her to move things forward herself. If he simply let it hang without building up her value, she might be inclined to leave; since he's built her up and made her sound good and knowledgeable and he's self-deprecated himself somewhat, she's going to feel obligated to build him back up and show interest by asking a question. Thus, even with girls who are only moderately interested, you can use this to begin structuring things so they are chasing somewhat. Next notice how when she asks a question, we throw it back to her and ask her to be more specific. Because of the simplicity of the request for clarification, she'll comply, and thus is putting in greater effort to find out an answer from us – in other words, she's chasing again here too. Him: Right now I'm a New York native. Well, not native, but I live here, if that counts for anything. Her: How long have you lived here? Him: That's a good question, how long have I lived here? Umm… I guess about two years, yeah? What do you do here in the City? Her: I'm a paralegal. Him: Oh cool, cool. Does that mean you aspire to be a lawyer someday, or you see how much work your boss has to do and say, "Never for me?" Trying to find out her feelings about the job here and her future plans for herself. Her: I might be a lawyer someday. Actually, I do more work than he does, and it's all the hard stuff, too. Him: You like it? Her: It's okay. Him: Okay, well, why are you doing a job that's just okay? Why not find one that's amazing? More deep diving on the job. Her: [laughs] There are no amazing jobs. Him: There's got to be an amazing job out there somewhere.

She doesn't get to control that frame and claim there are no amazing jobs. There are amazing jobs; and he's going to show her. Her: Like what? Him: Like… well, I don't know. If you could do anything else in the world and get paid the same as what you get paid now, what would you do instead? He avoids the trap here. Instead of answering, and trying to figure out and list what kind of job he thinks she will find amazing, he instead throws it back at her and asks her what she'd rather do instead. If he started listing jobs, she might very well reply with, "No, that job's not amazing!" or, "That's not a real job," things like that to defend her position of "There are no amazing jobs" (trust me, been there plenty of times). So, he chooses not to list examples and instead asks her to do so. Note the subtlety there: she says there are no amazing jobs, he says there are, she asks what jobs are amazing, and he asks her what job she'd liked to do in place of what she's doing now. So in effect, he changes the question: now it's not "Why aren't you doing a job that's amazing?" but rather "What job would you rather do?" Her: Hmm, well… maybe I would work as a vet. Him: A veterinarian? Her: Yeah. Him: Wow, that's different from being a paralegal. What, you signed up for the wrong school or something by accident? Her: [laughs] No, I just thought there was more opportunity to make a better salary in the law. Him: I see. Think you'll stay in the legal profession forever? Her: Ehm… maybe like five to ten years. Him: Then what? Her: I don't know, that's a long time from now. What do you do? Finds out more about her future plans, and brings up the subject of school to see if she'll talk about it. She doesn't go into that, but she does let him know that money is the major motivating factor for her having taken the job she has over the job she would've probably enjoyed more. Remember that building a connection with a woman is all about getting her to tell you things she views as personally significant. Her rationale for choosing a job she doesn't like

over a job she does is pretty personally significant, and probably not something she talks about all that much with all that many people. The combination of its significance and its rarity as a conversational topic for her make it more impactful in building a stronger connection. Him: I'm an artist; do some creative stuff. Her: Like what? Him: Paint, mostly. Take some photographs. I'd like to get my own studio up. Her: Really? I love photography. She's actively seeking to bond with him over his artistic pursuits. Him: Oh, no way. You take pretty good pictures? Her: No, I'm terrible! I can't even use a digital camera. Him: Ah, you can't be that bad! You must have at least some good pictures. Her: No, really. All my pictures suck! Him: [laughs] Well, sometime I'll give you some pointers. What else do you do creative? Rather than challenge her or tease her, as many beginners and intermediate guys may do, he recognizes vulnerability here in that she sees him as being more advanced than her in a specific area, and takes the opportunity first to build her up by telling her she must take some good pictures, then by making a small offer to give pointers at some indeterminate future date. Then, he rewards her by assuming she's creative (a good quality) and seeks to find out what else she does. Her: Not really anything. Him: There must be something. Her: No, really! I'm the most uncreative person on Earth. Him: Well, you do a lot of hard work for a law firm. You've got to get creative to get some of it done sometimes. Again, he won't let her win this frame battle. Of course she does something creative. He might have to get creative himself to paint her as a creative person (in this case, implying that grunt work at a law firm is creative), but he's doing it to build her up, so it's okay. If you let a girl "win" by implying she doesn't meet a standard you've set, you lose. You can't stick around and continue showing as much interest in a girl who's failed your screen. Thus,

you refuse to let her fail and find a way to help her pass. She sees this, and views it as you really being on her side because you're trying to help her win you over. Does all kinds of good for you. Her: Maybe. Well, I do draw. More like doodle. Does that count? Him: Of course. Millions of ways you can be creative. Her: So do you make money through photography? Him: No, actually, I'm kind of a struggling artist. I have a day job, which is what I lean on for the bills, but I don't like being defined that way so I'll always say I'm an artist. Her: What's your day job? Him: I manage projects at a company downtown. Her: Oh, that's good. Him: No way! It's boring as hell. I want my photography to take off so I can stop riding a desk all day, falling asleep in front of my computer. Now we find out more about this mysterious stranger, and he's fleshed out a bit. He has a day job after all, so he's not just some rogue, starving artist. But, he still defines himself as an artist, and quickly moves the focus off his job, so she doesn't see him as some stodgy project manager who's boring and worthy only of a relationship. He's an artist; that's romantic. And romanticseeming men are the men women want as lovers. Her: [laughs] I do that too. Him: Yeah, seriously. How'd we end up trading our time for money? I wanted to be James Bond and go travel the world, killing bad guys and seducing beautiful women. Her: [laughs] You'd be great at that, I think. Let me know if you do that, maybe I'll go with you for a few missions. Him: You can be my Bond girl. Her: Totally. Him: Too bad the Bond girl is different in every movie. I kind of like you. Her: [laughs] Him: Maybe I'll lobby the writers to keep you around for two movies. Like, a sequel or something.

Her: [laughs] They're bonding here. He uses roleplay to imply that he's a little hard to get but still working to help her get with him. See that? He's hard for her to get, but he's on her side and he's trying to help her be with him despite how hard a guy he is to get. If he's too hard to get, she'll close up and go cold. If he's trying to help her get him but he's not hard to get, she'll think he's too easy and get bored. If, however, he's hard to get, and gunning for her and trying to help her succeed… well… now she's intrigued. Him: Hey, let's grab a seat before we get run over up here. There's a couch right over there. Her: Okay. [the two go and sit] He moves her, following a high point when they're both bonding heavily and really enjoying the conversation. This gets her to commit to being with him. Him: So tell me about yourself; I don't know anything about you. Simultaneously challenging her ("I don't know anything about you"), expressing interest in her (wants to get to know more about her), and demanding compliance ("Tell me about yourself"). This is a very dominant thing to do and plants you firmly in the driver's seat of the interaction. It throws her off balance a bit, so you'll want to be a little nice after you use it and guide her toward answers. Her: Okay… what do you want to know? Him: Well, for one, do you travel? Her: No. Do you? Him: A little bit. Her: Where have you been? Him: A bunch of places. Well, tell me this: if you could go anywhere you wanted in the world, where would you go? Note that he does not get sucked into bragging or showboating about the many places he's traveled when she asks. She doesn't travel, so if he talks about all the places he's visited, she's either going to be bored to tears, or blown out and shut down, the vast, vast majority of the time. Instead, he's vague about where he's been, and quickly puts the spotlight back onto her. Her: Umm… Europe, maybe?

Him: Like, where in Europe? Her: Spain. I think Spain would be so romantic and wonderful. And I love Spanish food. Him: And Spanish men, perhaps. Her: [laughs] Spanish men are a little too lazy for me. Him: Ay caramba. Her: [laughs] He finds out what she likes, where she wants to go, and teases her a little, implying that she chases after men (setting the frame that she pursues men, which is helpful to his cause). Him: I haven't been to Spain, but I have been to Italy. Definitely could be described as romantic and wonderful… oh man, the food there is so good. And the people… everyone is beautiful. Even people in their forties and fifties – it's not like over here, where everyone over thirty-five is fat. There, even if you're fifty years old, you're still thin, and dress well and in bright colors, and live well and take good care of yourself and look good. And the buildings, and the architecture… what a beautiful place. Notice that now we have this, five to ten minutes into the interaction – our first story. And it's short, it's not really about him at all, directly – rather, it's about this beautiful, romantic, wonderful place, Italy. The story conveys a lot of strong, positive emotions about him: that he loves and appreciates beauty, that he loves good food (men who love sex tend also to love good food, and most women instinctively are aware of this), and of course that he's been somewhere she probably wants to go (but isn't bragging about it because he's showing appreciation only very briefly, then moving off of it). Her: It sounds amazing. I want to go! Him: You will. Maybe Italy will be where we do our James Bond mission. Rather than saying, "You should," which almost sounds like a dismissal ("Ah, get out of here. Have fun overseas by yourself!"), he instead structures his response as something they could do together, reusing the roleplay from earlier. Her: The first one or the second one? Him: Well, let's plan for the first one; I'm not sure if the writers will let me have the same girl in two movies yet or not. Her: [laughs] Again, he's hard to get but on her side.

Him: So you're not much of a traveler. What do you do for fun? Her: I play board games sometimes. Him: Oh my god. Her: [laughs] Him: Seriously though. Her: Well, you know… hang out with friends, go to movies, eat at restaurants. Clubbing sometimes… Him: Apparently. Her: [laughs] Yeah, well. Not that much… Him: Just four days a week. Her: [laughs] No! Maybe a couple times a month; that's it! Him: I believe you. You probably know every bartender and doorman here. They're like, "It's Tina!" Her: [laughs] Just having a little fun here to keep things light so they aren't too heavy. It's good to have moments of lightness to buoy up the "feel" of the interaction so it never feels overly serious. Him: What else do you do? Her: Umm… that's about it. Him: Okay, cool. Her: What do you do? Him: Mostly just chill. My life is pretty boring and uninteresting; I just like to make it sound exciting. Can't even remember the last time I had a near-death experience… Her: [laughs] Oh my god…! The joke about his last near-death experience is actually designed to subconsciously make him sound more exciting. If he just said his life was boring, the statement would be… well, boring. But if instead he says his life is boring and he can't remember his last near-death

experience, it makes it sound like nearly dying is a fairly common thing for him, even though it's a joke. It makes him feel a bit more exciting than he otherwise would. Him: Family live in the City still? The last conversational thread had run its course and there wasn't really anywhere else either party could have taken it, so he begins a new thread, seeking to find out more about her family. Her: Mom and dad are in Queens. Him: Brothers and sister? Her: One brother; he moved out to California. Him: Smart man. He likes sunshine and fake boobs, I'm guessing. Her: [laughs] That sounds about right. He's a naughty guy because he mentions fake boobs, though it's just in passing and it's mentioned along with something tame and "pure" (sunshine). He also implies he likes sunshine and fake boobs too, because he opens the comment with "Smart man." Him: How is it growing up as a precocious little girl in NYC? Now he's asking her to tell him about her childhood. Once again, the more meaningful stuff she tells you about herself, the more connected to you she feels. All in all, this conversation takes place over maybe ten minutes. It's very fast. By ten to fifteen minutes in, he knows her better than all but her closest friends do. He can quite possibly pull her in ten to twenty minutes, depending on the circumstances. Even if she was only moderately interested at the outset, maybe give it twenty to thirty minutes, then go for the pull, and I'd bet, at this rate of conversation, he succeeds a third of the time at least. Go out and repeat this with four or five girls in a night, and you've got one to take home. Conversation doesn't have to be long or tedious – it can be light, meaningful, fun, and fast! Always, Chase Amante

The Conversationalist

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Conversation and the conversationalist: probably one of the most under-discussed topics in the social arts. What a pity. Conversation is part of the backbone upon which everything related to socializing is built upon, but in the 21st century that’s almost forgotten. You might go so far as to say that the art of the conversationalist is a vanishing art.

In this day and age of sound bites, quick blurbs of news, and friends and acquaintances using social media to spit out short, tepid, meaningless quips about their days and feelings and whatever else springs to mind and gets unloaded out on the uncaring and overburdened ears of the Internet, being a good conversationalist is a rare thing. Being someone who is able to deftly move from topic to topic, keeping a conversation flowing effortlessly and breezily forward, diving into the depths of another individual’s personal life and concerns, then coming back up for air with a bit of laughter and lightheartedness before things get too heavy, then diving back down again to find out more about this person you’ve met just an hour ago than his or her closest family members know… this is what the lost art of being skilled in conversation is all about.

The conversationalist moves past small talk with ease. The conversationalist elicits emotions and feelings about topics his conversation partner didn’t know she had. The conversationalist dives deep and gets to intimate, personal topics that allow him to really relate to others and bond to others, and allow others to really relate to and feel bonded to him. The conversationalist does not just talk; he drives a conversation from the initial feeling-out stage to a deep, personal connection that is rewarding to everyone involved. It isn’t easy to become talented at conversation. Actually, it’s rather challenging, sometimes emotionally draining, and always a constant work-in-process, even for those who’ve been focused on improving their conversational aptitudes for years. But it’s very worth it; learning to excel in conversation is one of the most excellent, useful, empowering skills you can possibly learn. Being good at conversation opens doors for you that few other things can. Before we discuss how you can start on the path to becoming a truly world class conversationalist, though, let’s start by covering everyone’s favorite part first: the benefits to you.

Benefits of Being a Good Conversationalist So let’s say you put in the work, and actively hone your conversational abilities, and start really paying attention to what you’re saying to people and what they’re saying back to you and start trying to actively drive conversation to more effectively get more and better information from others. How’s that do you any good? Well, the thing about conversation is, unless you decide the hermitic life is the life for you, you’re going to be using conversation everywhere, constantly, with just about everything you do in life. You use conversation everywhere. Because it’s so ubiquitous, you’d think it would be a no-brainer that of course their abilities as a conversationalist would be one of the first things people focused on. But life is funny, and beyond a certain level of ubiquity, people stop working on things. To put it in perspective, I’ll ask you this: when’s the last time you worked on the way you walk? How about your voice tone – have you worked on that lately? If you drive a car, have you sought to get better at driving any time recently? If you ride a bike, have you actively worked on becoming a better bicyclist in the past year?

If you’re a highly self-improvement-focused person – which, if you’re reading this blog, I’m betting you are – then you may very well have worked on some of those things. The vast majority of people out there have not, however, for this simple reason: The more you’re exposed to something, the more “natural” it feels, and the less it feels like a “skill” you should work on developing. It doesn’t feel like a skill, because you do it all the time. But could you get a stronger, more powerful, sexier walk than you have right now if you worked on it a little? Could you get a sexier, edgier, more commanding voice if you put some effort into it? Could you become a better driver or a better bicyclist if you actively tried to? I’m betting you could. Conversation is more nuanced than any of those, though; it’s made up of more variables, there’s more to keep track of, and it changes quite a bit depending on whom you’re talking to. Driving cars is always pretty much the same; sometimes it’s daylight, sometimes it’s nighttime; sometimes there are more cars or sometimes less; sometimes there are two lanes or three lanes or sometimes just one. But the variables are small and manageable. In conversation, though, the conversationalist must manage a whole host of things. He has to manage how he’s feeling, what he’s expressing through his words, voice tone, and nonverbal communication, he has to read how others are feeling and what they are expressing, he has to steer the conversation so that it stays on productive and value-building topics and avoids destructive ones, he has to reward others’ efforts to contribute and provide value and remove embarrassment from them when they slip up and make a faux pas. And that’s just for starters.

So, being a talented conversationalist becomes one of those things that’s exceptionally rare. It’s quite uncommon to meet someone able to adeptly and adroitly navigate conversation – but it’s always refreshing when you do. Truly, hasn’t it felt great those few times you’ve met someone who was just so agreeable and pleasant to talk with and who made you feel accepted and understood right away and showed a genuine interest in you and curiosity to get to know you? You can probably count the number of people you’ve met in your life like that on one hand. Those people you’re thinking of were the good conversationalists. Here are some of the benefits of being skilled in conversation: •

People just like talking to you. You’re fun, easy, and low pressure to talk with. Whenever they talk to you, they feel good, relaxed, and accepted for whom they are. You become a breath of fresh air from all the other people they talk to in their day-today lives.



You get to know people very quickly. As a skilled conversationalist who’s mastered the deep dive, you quickly navigate down to the important stuff – stuff often others talk about only with their closest friends, or sometimes no one at all. This allows you to build a real connection and get past that awkward zone in a hurry where two people are talking but don’t really feel like they know each other.



You make deep friendships fast. A consequence of getting to know people fast, and one of the amazing benefits to the conversationalist of his skill, is being able to build a lot of very rapid, but very genuine, friendships and alliances with people. When you’re a good conversationalist, you can cover twenty or fifty or a hundred times as much ground in an hour of conversation than an unskilled conversationalist can. While Joe Average is still figuring out what his date likes to do for fun on the weekends, I’ve found out that mine dreams of living in Rome and wants to open her own pastry shop someday after she leaves the corporate world. That kind of connection leads to real friendship, because people know what you’re about, and know you know what they’re about, and the two of you are then able to let your guards down around each other and just be comfortable and genuine.



You get what you want a lot more. No sense denying it, simply for getting what you want from other people, being skilled in conversation is essential. Whether you’re trying to negotiate a deal or win over a potential new lover or talk your way onto an airplane that’s already finished boarding while you’re still at the check-in counter (as I have successfully done a few times in the past few years; that probably means I should just get to the airport earlier, though), the conversationalist is at great advantage over an ordinary individual who hasn’t put much thought or effort into improving his conversation. It gives you a decided, decisive edge that really is beyond valuable.

I’m probably forgetting half the reasons out there why you ought to invest in training yourself up in conversation, but you get the point. Conversation reaches tendrils into every aspect of your life; to ignore your skill as a conversationalist is to ignore one of the most significant skills you can possibly develop.

Makings of a Conversationalist There is only one prerequisite for learning to be skilled in conversation, in my opinion: you must genuinely be interested in other people. If you aren’t, well, you can force yourself to a certain degree of aptitude by sheer willpower, but beyond that, you’ll have a hell of a struggle getting beyond an intermediate level in your conversational abilities. However, even if you don’t find people terribly interesting at the moment, that may be simply because you haven’t gotten your skill at getting to know them well to a high enough level yet. Lots of people think golf is a terribly boring game, until they’ve played it enough times and get familiar with it. Then they come to find it quite engaging, and rather enjoy a good round of eighteen holes. Conversation and meeting new people may very well be that way for you later on down the road after you focus on upgrading your skills, experience, and exposure to it. So, genuinely enjoy talking to people. You don’t have to genuinely enjoy small talk; me personally, I’m not a big fan of small talk, and I get past it pronto. What I’m really interested in is what makes people tick – what drives them, where are they going, where did they come from. Why do they do the things they do. This is the stuff a conversationalist is good at finding out. Here are the skills I think you ought to focus on first when upping your skill tree. These are the building blocks everything else rests on in conversation: 1. Get to the root. Conversation for normal people usually looks like this: Person A: What do you do? Person B: Oh, I’m an accountant. Person A: I see. Person B: And what do you do? Person A: I’m an engineer. Person B: Oh, okay. You must be good at math, then. Person A: I’m okay at it. How long have you been an accountant? Person B: About four years. And you, how long have you been an engineer? And on and on. Ouch, that’s a painful dialogue; no wonder no one likes small talk. Small talk is boring. But why is it so boring? Look carefully at that conversation above, and

you’ll notice it’s extremely surface-level.Nowhere do we get to the meat of emotions, feelings, dreams, motivations, a person’s backstory; the stuff that’s really, truly important to people. Person B may be an accountant, but her job as an accountant is not what defines her, and we don’t really know her all that much better by finding out that she’s an accountant and she’s been an accountant for four years. Here’s how we get to know her: Person A: What do you do? Person B: Oh, I’m an accountant. Person A: Hmm, I see. Accounting… why accounting? Why not finance, investment banking… why choose the field you did? Person B: Well, I guess… because it was an easier major to get into when I was in school! Person A: Really? You’re doing the job you’re doing now because it was easier to get into in college? That’s crazy! How long have you been doing it? Person B: About four years. Person A: Wow, four years in a job because it was an easier major. Okay, well, tell me this: erase college. If you could jump into any job in the world, regardless of how easy the major was in college, what would you be doing other than accounting? Or is accounting your dream job?[said with a smile and a wink since you know it’s not – she’s already said she’s only in it because it was easy, and besides, who wants to be an accountant? (advance apologies to all the accountants out there who actually love it!)] All the other guy managed to find out with his initial conversation was that Person B is an accountant and she’s been one for about four years. With the same number of lines of dialogue – count ‘em, there are four lines of dialogue for Person A in both conversation examples – our second guy has managed to find out not only that the person he’s talking to is an accountant and has been for about four years, but also that she’s doing it because it was an easy major in college, and it’s probably not something she really dreams about doing. And now she’s going to tell him what she does dream of doing. Not bad for four lines of dialogue. That’s what getting to the root is about. 2. Help others think. Being a good conversationalist typically means you’ll be being a bit demanding of others, intellectually speaking. People prefer to talk about themselves, and conversationalists are talented at getting others talking about themselves, but people sometimes need a little help to avoid getting confused, frustrated, or worn out. Helping the

people they’re conversing with to think more easily is one of the ways a conversationalist gets people talking more about themselves than they do when talking with others, and it helps prevent the person he’s talking to end up in a conversation that feels mentally taxing or draining. If you noticed in the last example above, the question of, “Why accounting?” is fleshed out beyond just the words “why accounting.” We say “why accounting,” but then we also list a handful of suggestions and clarify the question – “Why not finance, investment banking… why choose the field you did?” If you ask a question that’s too open-ended, people can feel lost in the spotlight. It’s like being on-stage without cue cards or a teleprompter; they’ve been put on the spot and start to panic mentally. When you phrase a question like how we did in that example, though, with a few alternative suggestions for what Person B might have done rather than accounting, and then give a specific question to jog her memory of what’s being asked, you light the path for her basically and make it much easier for her to come up with the response you’re looking for and answer your question. The mind generally goes through a process like this: Why accounting? Oh, I don’t know… Oh, why not finance or investment banking? Because I didn’t major in those in college. Why did I choose accounting? Oh, right – because it was an easy major in college. I didn’t major in those other ones because they were more difficult to get into and I was a little lazy in school. And just like that, you’ve helped her think through her response, just by listing a few alternatives and restating the question. This is useful with a wide variety of topics:

“Why move to London, then? Why not New York, or Paris, or Tokyo? Why come here to London-town when you could go just about anywhere?” “Why get your Master’s? Why not keep working, or use your spare time to travel the world or write a book? Why go back to school?” “Why break up with your boyfriend? Why not marry him? Why not just keep seeing him the way things were? Why call it quits?” All kinds of things you can use this for. The point is, you want to help people think more

easily, and that gets conversation flowing fast and naturally and it frees their minds to process the more important, deeper aspects of the conversation since you’ve already handled the basic stuff for them and provided the framework to answer you with. 3. Relate. Obviously, the flipside of things is that you don’t want this to be an interview. You need to be relating to what you hear from others. Balance is quite key here; you don’t want to overdo it and come across like you’re trying to impress or force a connection, but you also don’t want to underdo it and come across like you don’t relate and she’s talking nonsense to you that you don’t connect with. This is where the “art” comes into play in the art of conversation. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a way of breaking down exactly what that balance is – we’ve done it for things as seemingly random as how many “I” pronouns versus how many “you” pronouns you ought to have in conversation (keep them as close to equal as possible), so there probably is a way. I just haven’t figured it out yet, and I’m not aware of anyone else who has either. I’d say a good rule of thumb is to relate on things that you intuit someone else might be slightly embarrassed about; e.g., if you’re talking to someone and she mentions that she’s had so much bad luck lately, you commiserate and tell her you go through strings like that as well, where nothing ever goes your way; then you turn it back to her and ask her what good things have happened to her lately. Relate too on important topics; if the two of you have been talking about something that’s obviously important to her, and you haven’t related to it, you should. Again, learning the proper way to relate in a convincing, genuine way without seeming like you’re trying to force things is going to take practice. I can remember a few years back when people would tell me things about themselves that I just didn’t know how to relate to. For instance, I had a 21 year old girl tell me three years ago about how her Navy ex-husband had cheated on her, and she found out, so she cheated back – I had no idea how to relate to that at the time; I think I blurted something out like, “Yeah, sometimes guys in the Navy, you know, lots of temptation overseas.” These days, I’d handle that easily: “Ah, people. They do crazy things, and some of ‘em you can’t trust farther than you can throw ‘em. What’re you gonna do?” But that’s just because I’ve been through enough conversations where I was struggling awkwardly to relate to something I didn’t really know how to relate to properly at the time. Remember, relating is how you make people feel good in a conversation. If you don’t relate to them, they’ll feel like what they’re saying is falling on deaf ears, and they’ll

start clamming up. The better a job you do relating, the more people will feel like you “get” them, and the more they will want to tell you about themselves to help you understand them even better. 4. Turn it back to her. Most men, you get them talking about themselves, and it becomes a spout that just doesn’t shut off. There’s this voice in men’s brains that seems to say, “I must position myself as impressively as possible; I must show people how amazing I am!” Men thus feel compelled to tell everyone who will listen how wonderful and cool and successful they are, and show this off through stories of their successes and tales of their feats. Good conversationalists? No such penchant. Ask a conversationalist what he does for a living, and he’ll build some intrigue with a short, interesting-sounding reply. By way of an example, people ask me what I’m doing right now, I tell them I’m traveling and finishing my first book. I also have a few startup companies I’m launching, but I don’t typically tell them that until later on, because traveling and writing a book is intriguing enough in its own right. After I tell them that little snippet about myself, I then turn it back on them. “How about you, how are you spending your time these days?” I’ll ask. The conversationalist should spend maybe 20% of a conversation talking about himself, and 80% of a conversation engaging his partner to find out more about her and listening to her. When you’re just starting out, it’ll probably be more like 50-50 or 60-40, but you should gradually be paring down how much you talk about yourself with time, and focus more on talking about your partner, and sometimes about people in general. Sometimes, you won’t even talk about yourself at all, and that’s okay. 5. Manage the conversational flow. Something that frustrated the hell out of me once I started deep diving and relating was that my conversations would get deeper and deeper and deeper, until eventually we went so deep that there would be this sudden shift, almost like the spell had broken, and I and the other person I was talking to would suddenly find ourselves stranded back on the shores of superficiality and neither of us knew how to get back to where we’d been before. It was like the whole conversation had been a dream, and we’d just woken up – then couldn’t fall back asleep again.

These days, I’ve taken to managing the flow better – I take things deep, but bring them back up again periodically with a little lighthearted teasing or a witty comment here or there, or pointing out that something in the conversation is silly or doesn’t make sense. I

then take it back down deeper again. It ends up looking like this: Person B: … and then I never heard from him again. He just disappeared. I felt awful for three months. Person A: Wow, that’s terrible. [pause for maybe five seconds, let the dust settle from the deep emotions] So I guess you feel a lot better these days! [said with warmth and a smile] Person B: Yeah, I do. Person A: That’s the cool thing about bad, sad experiences – people are strong, and we bounce back. Even if it feels pretty bad for a while, it doesn’t stay feeling bad forever. We’d never make any progress that way. Person B: You’re so right. Person A: So after this guy pulled his disappearing act, what’d you do to get your life back in order? Person B is sharing this very deep, emotionally powerful experience, but it reaches a conclusion. Person A brings her back up from that; he commiserates, then makes it light and airy again, like a breath of fresh air. He tells her she must be feeling a lot better now; she agrees. All that darkness she was feeling earlier fades away, and she feels good and warm in his company. He’s taken her down, but brought her back up again. Remember that voice tone is very important here. You can use different tones, and sound cold and insensitive saying Person A’s lines with one, or warm and considerate saying them with another. Play around with your voice tones to get the right ones. Watch a lot of movies with strong, confident, charming characters, and learn to talk like they talk. So Person A does a bit of inspirational talk, and then he goes back into the deep dive again, finding out more about Person B’s life’s trajectory and getting her talking about what she did after this experience. It’s natural to go back into it now that she’s come up for air; now they can go back down again for a little bit, before coming back up again later. Managing the conversational flow like this does two things for you: • It keeps things from getting so intense and heavy that people start feeling a need to break out of the oppressive intimacy of the conversation and free themselves, and

• It gives your conversation partner a shot of good feeling and reassurance and, most importantly, perspective, giving her the strength to continue through her story, whether it’s a happy memory she’s discussing or a painful one. If you’ve ever seen the movie The NeverEnding Story, the feel of this movie is exactly the feel of what you should be going for in your management of the conversational flow. The story intensely sucks you in, at times feels overbearing, but then you get sucked out of it and everything is put back into perspective when Bastian closes the book and stops reading. He takes a break. Then he goes back into the book and we get sucked back in. That’s the feel of it. 6. You must not judge. There is this social enforcing behavior we all tend to get instilled with very early on in life, and it’s called “judging.” We use it to put social pressure on others to conform to our views about what is correct behavior and avoid engaging in incorrect behavior. If someone engages in enough incorrect behavior, we judge them quite poorly, and effectively consider them out of our social class, clique, or tribe. Here’s the thing: the more you judge, and the more harshly you judge, the more you limit your social potential. Almost everyone you meet is going to have things that clash with something or other about your own personal beliefs and values systems. If you take issue with people over that kind of thing – even if you just take issue inwardly, but try to be friendly outwardly – people will sense it; they sense the gulf between the two of you, and they close up. No conversation. No connection. Just awkwardness, and a desire for the interaction to end as quickly as possible. The conversationalist does not judge. He teaches himself not to judge on the inside as well as on the outside; he accepts that many people are different from him, but that different doesn’t equal bad, and he forces himself to stop having bad, negative, derogatory thoughts about others because he know it will cripple his ability to succeed socially. Don’t judge. It cuts your legs out from the standpoint of connection-, friendship-, and relationship-building. People are infinitely more honest with you when they can tell they’re being accepted by you for whom they are, free of judgment. The sizeable boost in trust and depth of bonding with others that you gain from getting over any judgmental tendencies you have now is well worth the month or so of work you’ll put in

of monitoring your thoughts and shutting down judgmental thoughts about other people to rewire your learned thought processes. Judgment is learned, and it’s unlearned as well. I suggest you remain discriminating – certainly you will be choosy about having top quality people in your life – while simultaneously freeing yourself of the burden of being judgmental. In addition to opening up whole new social vistas to you, you will find you actually feel much better without a cluster of negative judgments running around in your head poisoning your thoughts. 7. Be a lighthouse. I’m an Aquarius. That means that I have a great deal of empathy for other people, but also that I’m quite emotionally detached. I don’t get affected by things the way others do, but I care about them enough that I want to see them do well and succeed and prosper and feel good and confident. If there is one thing that drives me nuts when it comes to conversationalists, it’s seeing a guy who’s good at conversing but who clearly doesn’t give a damn about the people he’s talking to. You know, the guy who’s focused more on himself and what he has to say than he is on the other person and couldn’t tell you how someone else is feeling to save his life. I recommend walking a mental mile in the shoes of everyone you talk to. Put yourself in every person you meet’s position and ask yourself how you’d feel if you were them. It’s enlightening. And it also makes you realize how much people need you to be an uplifting, motivating, strong person for them. I call this being a lighthouse. The lighthouse is the beacon on the rocks that guides ships to safe passage, no matter the weather conditions. It’s a sign of hope, and also one of strength; a solitary beam of light in the darkness. You should seek to provide hope, encouragement, strength, and high spirits to those you speak with. Be honest and realistic, of course; if someone proposes a business or relationship idea to you that you know will fail, for instance, tell them you have some fairly strong reservations about it, but give them much credit for being creative or hopeful, and perhaps suggest an alternative they might use. Again, you must balance this; you don’t want to be so wildly optimistic that it’s patently unbelievable. You want to provide gentle, subtle guidance and support;

not be crazy happy, but exude more of a calm, guiding confidence that the person you’re talking to will be okay no matter what path she chooses.

Training Yourself Up as a Conversationalist Obviously, if you want to be good as a conversationalist, you’re going to need to go have a lot of conversations. Beyond that, there are a few other things I can recommend you do to get yourself started. Form a plan of attack. I recommend only working on one or two of the above points at a time. I listed seven of them – too many to work on at once. You don’t conquer the world by attacking the entire world; you conquer the world one country at a time. So it is with this – bite off one chunk at a time and go from there. • Identify your own deficiencies in conversation to use as a starting point. If you have an awful time getting past small talk, start with that. Work on deep diving and see if you can get into some real conversation about real stuff. If you have the bad habit of talking too much about yourself, get better at turning the conversation back to the other person. If you find yourself saying or thinking negative things sometimes, focus on clearing judgmental beliefs out of your system and strive to be a lighthouse. •



Pay more attention to what people are telling you… and not telling you. If there are things about people you’d like to know, but don’t, find ways to start getting them to tell you that information. Usually you’ll start out rather clumsily, just asking for it; as you hone your skill, you become more and more adept in getting people telling you what you want to know. Eventually you can reach the point where people enjoy talking to you so much and become so eager to connect with you that if you simply bring them to a topic, they will proactively tell you the things you’re curious to know without you even needing to ask. • Get more experiences. The more things you do, and the more things you get

comfortable with, the better you’ll be able to relate to people. When I first started working on my skill as a conversationalist, I suddenly began taking on a variety of very different activities (international travel, language studies, social activities and mixers, sports, martial arts classes, dance classes, acting, modeling, photography) in part because they interested me, but also in part because I wanted to have these experiences to be able to relate to more people more easily. Most of them I didn’t spend a huge amount of time doing, but I’m now able to relate to anyone who talks to me about snowboarding, or traveling to Europe, or learning Spanish, or dancing salsa, or

going to a photo shoot because I’ve done those things at least a little bit. •

Get talking (with new people). Meet new people, get into conversations. It’s different when you’re talking with classmates, or officemates, or family members, or old friends. You know them; you don’t have much work to do to get to know more about them. Meeting new people forces you to learn how to get to real conversation fast, because you don’t have a lot of time. Take too much time dancing around with small talk, and most people will start feeling uncomfortable (the result of lacking the formation of a connection or finding common ground fast enough) and leave. You meet a wider variety of people, with a wider variety of life experiences, and a wider variance of tolerances and conversationalist aptitudes in their own rights, so you are constantly having to adjust and make changes on the fly. This is hands down the best, most reliable, most effective way to get conversational abilities down; meeting lots of new people is a bit of a gauntlet, but it’s a gauntlet that will see you come out the other end much improved. When should you start? Well, the cool thing about conversation is you’re always having it. So I recommend you begin training yourself up as a conversationalist the next time you have a conversation.

Get good at talking to people. It’s a game changer in pretty much every way;becoming a talented conversationalist is one of the most fundamental, significant ways you can improve yourself, period. So don’t put this one off until tomorrow – start improving the very next time you say “hi” to someone. It’s worth every ounce of the effort you put into it, and the payoffs will last you a lifetime.

Secrets to Getting Girls: Get Out of "Polite Conversation"

by Chase Amante Friday, 22 April 2011

You know the feeling: you find yourself in a conversation that's stuck on the superficial. You're talking about the weather; about how you both hate getting up early in the morning; about what the local sports team did last week; about how sushi is okay but katsu sauce... man, that's where it's at. Basically, small talk. But, small talk that's beginning to seem like it's not even getting you to big talk. You start feeling like this conversation is taking you nowhere. You've just realized you're in a polite conversation. And this post is about helping you get out of that. Last weekend in the post on talking to lots of girls, a reader, Lau'Ren'Tay, made the following request: Could you please write a comprehensive about socializing with a woman. If your not wasting your time in conversation or are? I don't know if you have something covering that, or related to that. Sure thing, Lau'Ren'Tay; I don't believe I do have on up here like that, so I'm happy to oblige. Here then is the post on recognizing whether what you're in or not is polite conversation – and on how to get out of it when you are.

Conversation That's Going Nowhere I'll start by defining polite conversation. Polite conversation is the kind of conversation you get into that stays on very surfacelevel topics and never reaches anything substantial. It dances around, touching lightly on a variety of topics, quite typically topics that both of you talk about with everyone and

including commonalities that are far too common. It often feels rather awkward, but you can't quite put your finger on why. So let's put a finger on it. The goal of conversation with someone new is typically to get to know her. Polite conversation prevents you from doing this. When you're talking with a girl and it's merely polite, you're not really getting to know her. Talking about the weather doesn't get you connecting. Talking about things you share in common with everyone ("This place is great!" or, "Don't you just love reading?") doesn't really build any bridges between the two of you. And then, things start feeling awkward because you both know it. You both know you're trapped in a conversation where you're trying and failing to build a connection. Guys who are beginners might not be aware of this awkwardness. They might not even realize things are amiss until they begin noticing a pattern of women consistently bowing out of conversations with them early on into the conversation. Eventually though you begin to be able to feel when conversation isn't going all that well. There are a few ways you can identify when you're trapped in a polite, go-nowhere conversation: • • • •

You're finding yourself unable to get onto meaningful topics. You're failing to deep dive and get beyond the surface on what you discuss. The girl you're talking to only gives you short, simple answers. The girl you're talking to asks you very few questions, or none at all.

All bad for various reasons. If you're not getting onto meaningful topics and you're not deep diving, the conversation won't get very far. And if she's giving you very little in response to your questions and statements and she's asking you nothing or next to nothing about you, she's not carrying her weight in the conversation – and you can't do it alone. A conversation takes two people. You'll normally be the one steering it, but she has to be contributing too for it to work. And when you identify that she isn't contributing, you know right away that it probably isn't going to fly.

Why People Get Trapped in Polite Conversation A good conversationalist doesn't end up in go-nowhere conversations too often, but even if your conversational abilities are exquisitely honed, you'll still run into the odd wheelspinning talk every now and again. This is because the fault of ending up stuck in neutral may lie with you, or it may lie with the girl. When you're starting out, most of the fault is normally going to lie with you, as you seek to perfect your conversational abilities and learn how to consistently engage women in good conversation that progresses things forward. As your skill at doing so develops, you'll increasingly find that the conversations where you're stuck in the polite zone are stuck there because the girl doesn't want things to progress further. The two reasons then that people end up in polite conversation: 1. The man failed to lead the conversation to meaningful topics, or 2. The woman simply isn't all that interested. But things aren't as simple as they seem. Let's say you meet a girl, and try to engage her. You try to move her off the ordinary and into the intriguing. But you just can't, and getting information from her feels like pulling teeth. You give up and leave, feeling like she just wasn't all that interested. And, that may have been the case. It might also have been, though, that she was shy, or that she hadn't gotten herself into a social state. You will meet girls at times that simply need more time and coaxing before they start opening up. So be wary of writing women off too quick and thinking they just weren't interested; it might have been instead that they were but they weren't showing it. If you're a beginner, you should operate on the assumption that any conversation that fails to make it off the polite and onto the substantial failed to do so because you failed to make it do so. This is the healthiest attitude for learning and the one that will help you advance the fastest. There's one other reason conversations can end up stuck treading water, too, and it's one that most men have no idea exists. Here it is: Sometimes girls are already sold on you and just want you to move things forward fast and/or even take them home immediately. Sometimes the reason she isn't talking is because she doesn't want to talk – she wants you to do something with her right NOW.

When that's the case, if you keep trying to build rapport it obviously won't work. Other measures are called for.

How to Get Out of Polite Conversation So let's say that, for whatever reason, whether because you're not sure how to proceed or because she just isn't all that interested, or because she doesn't want to talk and just wants you to move things forward, you find yourself trapped in polite conversation. What do you do to break free? 1. Deep dive. Real conversation starts and ends with deep diving. Getting to know a girl – really connecting to her – is the most solid alternative to superficial conversation. Rather than jump into storytelling – which is what most men do when faced with a girl who isn't giving much – focus on getting her talking. When you try to talk about yourself to counteract polite conversation, it usually ends up looking like you're trying to force rapport, and the chances things take off decline. 2. Get off common topics. A lot of the reason why people get stuck in polite conversation is because they get trapped on common topics. Yes, it sucks when you have a cold, but that's true for everyone; and it's cool that you and she like that restaurant downtown, but so do a lot of people. What makes people feel like a conversation is meaningful is when you get onto topics that aren't universally

relatable for everyone – for instance, you and this new girl start talking about your experiences snorkeling and seeing exotic fish or about how you both wrote a term paper on Nietzsche. That's how you get to meaningful topics and start truly building a connection. 3. Use the bored look. Seeing the bored look on your face can encourage women to start contributing. This is especially true if you've already made a bit of an effort to get her contributing, and your efforts haven't generated much. If she likes you, she'll step it up when she realizes you're bored that things aren't progressing. 4. Move her. This one's sort of your last resort, but it can end up being very effective. When a girl's giving you absolutely NOTHING – when you get that feeling kicking in that things aren't going anywhere at all – try just moving her. Tell her, "Let's go grab a seat over there," or, if you're really bold, invite her home. I've had success inviting girls home very early in the interaction who weren't giving me anything. Sometimes it actually ends up being quite surprising; you're talking to a girl, it feels like the conversation is dead in the water, and then you say, "Let's get out of here," and she says, "Okay." The majority of the time this doesn't work and the girl won't move with you, and that's fine. At that point, you can bid her farewell and gracefully exit the conversation; she's refused to move with you, so it makes for a natural exit. But some of the time, this catapults you ahead in an interaction that felt like it was circling the drain. I'd say it works successfully about 1 out of every 4 or 5 girls, which is quite good for taking a dead-end conversation and turning it into something substantial. This is also best for identifying the girls who just wanted you to take action and move things forward and are more interested in something happening with you fast than they are in getting to know you. 5. Leave and return. I much prefer trying to move women than I do trying the "leave and return" tactic, but you have this available to you as well. Basically, you let a girl know you're going to go scout the area out, and then you disappear for a while and come back later. This can work if she realizes while you're gone that you're a lot more fun or attractive than anyone else she's meeting or that it's boring when you're not around, and she gets much more eager to contribute when you return. I see about a 1 out of 3 success rate with this technique, but it doesn't move you ahead as much as moving a girl, so I prefer the latter and I don't use this one a whole lot. You also risk the girl leaving or getting engaged in conversation with friends or other suitors while you're gone. It's important to remember that attraction has an expiration date and you need to be looking to get back onto interesting conversation as quickly as possible. The longer you spend adrift in polite conversation, the more attraction fades and the less likely the girl you're speaking with becomes to start contributing or to move somewhere with you.

In other words, when you find yourself in polite conversation, do something to get OUT of there fast. Polite, go-nowhere conversations are an absolute death sentence for attraction – so rather than let them knock you off, take a focus of giving polite conversation a death sentence of its own, and simply don't allow yourself to have it with people. With go-nowhere politeness gone, your conversations will be snappier and more engaging, people will contribute more to them and like talking to you more, and you'll find that women do a lot more with you, and are willing to do a lot more with you. Follow the steps laid out above, and you'll have a lot fewer go-nowhere conversations – and a lot more conversations that go somewhere. And, quite possibly, a lot more conversations that go somewhere good. Yours, Chase Amante

Secrets to Getting Girls: The Art of the Deep Dive

by Chase Amante Saturday, 18 September 2010

Building rapport – and building a connection – is one of those things I consider myself pretty talented as a conversation-alist at these days. People remark that they often feel like we’re old friends upon first meeting me; men very often assume that women I’ve met minutes before

have known me for years; and I find it incredibly easy to have people open up to me about all manner of personal details – so easy that they typically offer those details unasked. Kind of funny, in retrospect, considering I spent most of my life as a man apart, without any close connections of any sort. So someone you’ve just met thinks of you as an old friend, or the girl you’ve been getting to know for twenty minutes has told you her life story and now feels that you know her better than all but two other people in her life. Sounds fun, and empowering, right? But what’s the advantage of this? Well, as you can probably surmise, the advantages to deep diving with rapport come in spades, actually. Here are a few: •

You get to know people faster. So you get an idea of whom you’re dealing with. Is she a consistent, reliable person, or has she used people in her past? Does she carry

a lot of baggage, regrets, and grievances around with her, or is she free and clearheaded? Is she clingy or independent? Ambitious or unambitious? How open is she to adventure and new experiences? You have an easier time judging which women are looking for friends, which are looking for boyfriends, and which are looking for intimacy that night. You’re good at discerning relatively quickly if a woman meets your requirements for a girl you’d date long-term – or not. •

You make friends and alliances faster. In the social arena, this is absolutelyvital to your success. The difference between the men who sink and the men who swim – the men

who get blocked by others from getting the results they want, and the men whom other people help get the results they want – is how good they are at building friends and alliances. You’re far more likely to take that cute girl you’ve just met home if her friends think you are an amazing, awesome guy than if they think the opposite. •

You’re “sticky”. You become one of those people that others meet and just want to hang onto and keep in their lives. You provide something invaluable that almost no one else does – a ready ear, and an open mind. Because they grow to feel so connected to you so quickly, they want to make sure they stick to you and hang onto you as much as possible. This makes everything from same-night seductions to lifelong relationships much easier to find, manage, and accomplish.

Those sound like some cool advantages that would be nice to have, right? They are – they make life easy. A lot of the problems that men without the benefits of being talented at the deep dive run into are non-existent for men who have mastered conversational deep diving. Phone numbers that flake? Almost non-existent. You’re burned indelibly into the mind of every woman you spent at least five minutes with, and they can’t wait to talk to you again. Women who take a long time to warm up to you? I’ll be damned if I can remember the last time I ran into this situation. Women become magnetically attracted to you the instant you start getting to know them. One strange thing I’ve noticed is that once a man’sgood at deep diving, he seems to put out this extremely warm, extremely welcoming vibe that others are naturally drawn to and will begin opening up to without any prompting by him. I’ll try to break down my current understanding of this below. I wrote this to be a sort of wrap-up article. There is a lot of information I’ve covered spread out over the past two years of writing on here that is kind of strewn about everywhere. This article looks to coalesce a lot of that into something vaguely recognizable / comprehensible. Hopefully it will give you a better idea about how to achieve some really cool things in your conversations with women.

There are some technical elements to the conversational deep dive, and some personality traits that are important to train yourself on. You need both sides of the coin – the technical, and the personal – to become highly effective at deep diving into rapport. Let’s talk about the technical elements first. These are the ones you can begin implementing immediately to start seeing some results. Many of these I’ve talked about before in individual posts – I’ll link to them where relevant below – this post would be absolutely massive if I went into each of these elements in-depth on an individual basis!

Technical Aspects of Deep Diving





Getting Past Small Talk: small talk is important to move past quickly, for one overarching reason (when it comes to deep diving): you don’t cover anything personal, connection-building, or deep while in small talk. Small talk is like treading water, socially. It keeps you afloat, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.



Thread-Cutting and Thread-Amplifying: don’t believe I’ve covered these on here before. Again, long explanations for these; quick and dirty summary is thread-cutting is a technique for shutting down bad, unproductive, or destructive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about how she thinks men use women for sex, or how much her jobs sucks, etc.), while thread-amplifying is a conversational technique for building up and encouragingproductive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about things she likes about you, or her favorite childhood memories, etc.). Try to imagine threadamplifying as the opposite scenario – rather than cutting off and changing the topic, you’ll find ways to get a woman talking more about what she’s mentioned, provide more details, and expand. A good example of some ways to do this is the “Ask the Right Questions” section in the article on getting past small talk linked to in the bullet above this one. Thread-Directing: haven’t covered this one either; it’s a bit of a complex topic, with a lot of layers, and is quite honestly an art in and of itself.Thread-directing is the way you guide a conversation in the direction you want it to go and get women to independently discover the topics you want them to discover, ask you the questions you want them to ask, and tell you the details about themselves you want them to tell you. I’ll write up a piece on this at some point and link to it here; for now, if this is something you decide to focus on working on, I’d suggest checking out some of the written reports of a guy named A2daMIR; check out the link on the

left of this page (under “Friends”) for Fast Seduction, and run a quick search for some of his stuff. Not all of his reports have it, but some of them contain a number of masterful thread-direction as he guides women in exactly the way he wants them to go. Chase framing is an example of thread-direction, and in fact my current model of chase framing was in part inspired by A2daMIR as well (as well as by a good friend of mine from Southern California who used a great deal of sexual humor with women). •

Being Intriguing / Limiting Displayed Value: you’ll find that the men women open themselves up best to are the ones who serve as a kind of mirror to those women. The more a woman feels you are like her, the more comfortable opening up to you she feels, because she sees the two of you as being the same. Of course, you’re not the same as any other person on the planet, and the more people get to know you, the more of those differences become apparent to them. The ideal situation for helping a woman open up to you is to reveal little about yourself, only revealing aspects of yourself and your past that match what she reveals to you, to further her bonding with you. This is an art I’ve mastered as I’ve moved throughout a number of very different kinds of people – from upper-middle class white American suburbanites, to black Americans from the ghetto who stole cars, sold drugs, and got shot, to globe-trotting internationals, to Southern California surfers and actors and models, to rough-andtumble Mexicans spending time on the other side of the border, to wealthy self-made business professionals, to (most recently) holier-than-thou expatriates and nose-to-thegrindstone local Chinese. To move freely and accepted with different kinds of people, you must be highly adaptable and able to showcase certain aspects of yourself while putting other aspects on ice. Meeting new people and deep diving with women works exactly the same – showcase the parts of yourself she will relate to, and sit on the rest.



Getting Your Girl Talking About Herself on an Emotional Level: this is covered a little bit in the piece on conversational technique tips and tidbits. Your main focus in conversation should always be on the woman, and the main focus of a focus on the woman should be on her strong emotional topics – childhood, dreams, past

relationships, goals and aspirations, things that are currently exciting her or frustrating her in life right now. The reason why this is is because sharing strong emotional topics is what makes someone feel deeply bonded and connected to another person. If your aim is to get a woman feeling connected to you at a rapid clip, this is ultimately how you do it. Those are the main technical elements. Working on each takes time, but even a low level of mastery of any one of those aspects of deep diving gives you a huge advantage in generating strong, connection-forming conversation with others. For both your goals in seduction, and your general life goals, I highly recommend some time getting these things down. The other aspect of getting good at deep diving is personality-based. That means, you have and showcase the personality characteristics of a man who others will be inclined to share themselves with and bond deeply with. Men like that are few and far between – most men are too caught up in their own lives and stories and goings-on to pay much attention to those of others, let alone to how well they do at making others want to share and deeply connect. The following are some things that, should you decide to begin implementing them into your own base personality, because of their very nature will take you a longer time to learn and incorporate – but once they become a part of who you are, you will reap benefits in just about every walk of life where socializing comes in to play – which is to say, just about every walk of life.

Personality Aspects of Deep Diving •

Being Warm and Non-Judgmental: you’ll often hear the advice that you should be nonjudgmental. This advice is some of the best life advice you can get for opening yourself up to great new adventures and opportunities (provided, of course, you continue to be discriminating – or, careful in how you asses and screen – even as you remain nonjudgmental). Being non-judgmental is the cornerstone to getting women to open up to you – people can sense how judgmental another person is, and the more open they sense you are, the more likely they are to be open and honest with you. People only hide the things from others that they think those others will judge them on. I’d have you go one further than this though, and not just be non-judgmental, but actually be warm. I think of the spectrum like this: judgmental people are on the negative end of the spectrum – they shut people down and make them feel lesser and unworthy. Nonjudgmental people are in the neutral zone – they don’t tear people down, but neither do they build others up. Warm people are on the positive end of the

spectrum – they accept others for who they are, free of judgment, and encourage them to pursue the positive, constructive aspects of themselves and avenues in their lives. When I was younger, I was actually quite judgmental. Eventually I labored to free myself of that yoke, as I realized that the person I hurt most by being judgmental was myself – I realized that every spiteful, judgmental thought I had that crossed my mind actually made me feel a little worse inside, and that I was slowly poisoning myself with mental toxins. So I focused on shutting out judgmental thoughts. As I did so, I became more neutral toward others, and moved to the middle. Eventually though, I wanted others to feel trulycomfortable toward me, so I worked to view things through their eyes, their motivations, their fears and insecurities, to try to understand others – even the ones who would hurt me. Why did they feel the need to try and hurt me? Once I developed warmth, women began opening up to me in ways I had not realized were possible. They could sense that I legitimately wanted them to do well and succeed and be happy, and wanted to share with me as much about themselves as they possibly could. Work to free yourself of judgment first; and once you have done that, work to open your heart to others with understanding and care. This probably sounds like very New Age-y, hippy-ish, Jesus-y kind of stuff, but take my word for it – from the perspective of making women melt around you and think of you as the most amazing man they’ve ever met – and feel very comfortable jumping into bed with you very quickly without the fear of being judged “easy” or a “slut” – genuinely being warm and caring toward others (and particularly toward women – somethingmany men are not) is unmatchable. •

Being Positive and Constructive: the best way you can possibly put thread-cutting to use is in cutting negative, boring, hurtful, and pitiable conversational threads, and switching over to positive, optimistic, constructive ones. Always remember that women tie the emotions they feel around youto you. If a woman always vents about how awful her job is to a man, and talks about other crappy life circumstances, she’ll come to view him as the guy she talks about bad stuff to. But if she tries that with a different man, and every time she starts on those topics he thread-cuts and takes her into something positive, she’ll come to view him as the man who always makes her feel good. You can show women you are this way very quickly into an interaction if you are vigilant about it. When a woman begins venting, give her a minute – she does need to feel you hear her and get her and understand her – but after you quickly relate to her, move the conversation on. The personality aspect of this is that people who are quite genuinely

positive, optimistic, constructive people have a far easier time keeping conversations on the right course than people who aren’t – so if you struggle at all with staying positive, working on this aspect of yourself can have a big payoff in your socializing and seductions. •

Being an Active Listener: when women relate, they need to feel related to back. A lot of men don’t do this – they don’t know how, or don’t want to spend the time to listen. It doesn’t actually take much time at all, really, and it’s not all that difficult to listen. And – provided the women you’re meeting are interesting – you’ll get a lot out of it, learn, and grow. One of the reasons why it’s vitally important to me to be meeting fascinating women with interesting things about them or happening in their lives isbecause I am a listener. I see a great many men who are talkers, not listeners, and their ability to build connections with amazing people is limited to how amazing their conversation is. As a listener, you grant yourself the ability to merge with anyone from any walk of life, even those you know nothing about, because rather than seeking to wash your own ideas over others, you allow others’ to wash over you. Personally, I can talk with the best of them. I have a number of strongly held opinions and beliefs, and lots of things I can talk about for hours on end (just look at this post!). But I meet a lot of people who aren’t going to be interested in those things – so I don’t talk about them. Instead, I let them tell me about what they are interested in, and I learn and grow and evolve. And at the same time, they feel rewarded for having someone who cares and is interested in what they have to say. If you think of some of the men who seem to be the most POWERFUL men in the movies, or in politics, or history, do you think of men who talk and talk and talk? Or do you think of men who sit there quietly, taking everything in, and only speaking a little? The strongest men are not the men who talk – they are the men who listen.

Once you’ve got the basics of conversation down, implementing the tools and techniques and personality elements covered in this post will take your connection-building to the next stage of its evolution. You will be building powerful, rapid, lasting connections with others, and being one of the most memorable people they’ll meet in any given span of time. You’ll give yourself the foundation on which to move through a seduction with speed – even when you make mistakes here and there, you still have a strong connection with your girl to fall back on – and build lasting relationships upon.

You’ll have mastered the art of the deep dive – and you will be someone other people gravitate towards as they do few others.

Tactics Tuesdays: Listen to Women Better with Active Listening

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 1 November 2011

One piece of guidance I often give to guys looking to improve with women is to start doing active listening in order to better listen to women and build great connections with them fast. It's simple, straightforward advice that's easy to start implementing right away -- or at least, that was what I'd been thinking. A reader writes in reminding me of a realization I had years ago but since forgot about the right way to do active listening:

“Wow man just had a great convo with my mom of all people about how to handle women. We talked a lot about things I already knew but it gave me a fresh perspective. But the one thing she told me about was "paraphrasing what she said" She told me that a lot of guys like "reiterate" what a woman says. For example if I was talking to a woman and she told me a story about jogging and how it makes her feel great. Reiterating would be me saying "Hmmm so what you're really saying is you feel great because of this...." Then the woman tells me "NO I'm feeling great because of what I just said! Your not listening to me!" Now that same situation as a paraphrase would go "so let me see if I understand you, your saying you feel great because of this..." then she says "Yes exactly I was feeling great because growing up my mom..." Now at that point I've got her opening up because she's feeling understoood. And sorry for the vocab lesson I"m sure you already knew this but it helps me illustrate my idea in my mind

lol! But I'm just emailing you about this because I've noticed that A LOT of your game is based off of paraphrasing. When a woman is challenging you paraphrase. When you want to deep dive you paraphrase. When you try to connect with her emotionally you paraphrase. Once you can paraphrase her words she feels understood and now you guys can truly connect. And it was something that had been bothering me for YEARS man because I was trying SO HARD to listen to women lol! But I found out that I was just doing it the wrong way which was from a frame of reiteration (male comm) and not paraphrase (female comm). It's crazy because now I can look back at some of your old post and say OHHHHH that's how he did that! IT's amazing how much power paraphrasing gives you when it comes to communicating with others. Just wanted to share that with you because it really struck me as gold.” After reading this email, in a flash, I remembered the years I spent straining and striving to understand women and feed back to them what they'd said, only to have my efforts be tossed right back in my face when girls replied with, "Uh, no, that's not what I meant," or tersely corrected me. Man, that was frustrating. But it doesn't happen anymore. Why? Well... let me tell you. You see, our good reader highlights the difference between what a guy who's learning tries to do, and a guy who's got it down does. And I'm going to delve deeper into doing it the right way here, in this post on active listening.

The Importance of Knowing How to Listen to Women Have you ever been in a conversation with a woman where you found yourself struggling to understand everything she was saying so you could feed it back to her well? Sitting there... mental wheels grinding... working hard to come up with an intelligentsounding response to have ready for her before she's even done talking... only to have her look confused when you deliver that well-thought out response, or not even connect to it, or say, "Um, no, I actually meant this?" You were doing what our reader referred to as reiterating, or what I'd call interpretation -he's trying to tell a girl what her words mean. So a girl says

"Oh God, my classes are so hard." and the guy she's talking to replies with "So you're saying you don't like your major?" and the girl corrects him with "No, I love my major, it's just that my classes are really hard." The thing is, every time a girl needs to correct you or clarify, she feels a little bit more like you don't understand her. You aren't getting to know her, and you aren't connecting. But so many men make women correct them continually in conversations when they're trying to build an emotional connection by seeking to feed things back to girls. It's a road to hell, paved on good intentions. I'm guessing you've probably already been in plenty of conversations where this has happened, and you probably have a good idea what I'm talking about already. But, just for good measure, here's another example: Girl: I wish I could just fly away and go live in Spain for a year. Guy: So you're not happy here? Girl: No, I love Texas, I just think it'd be cool to live in Spain a while. And another: Girl: I think horses are the most amazing creatures on Earth. Guy: It's really cool that you love animals so much. Girl: I don't really like animals, actually; just horses. These misunderstandings come in two flavors: 1. Guesses, and 2. Assumptions A guess is when a guy isn't sure what a girl means, but guesses: "So you're saying you don't like spending time with family?" An assumption is when a guy assumes something about a girl based on something else she's said:

"You must be a very creative person." But, to a woman, these statements (when wrong... and they often are) sound to her like the statements of a man who doesn't "get" her. He doesn't understand where she's coming from, why she's saying the things she's saying, or why she's doing the things she's doing. He just doesn't "get" it. Why? Because the men who really know how to listen to women tend to talk to them much differently.

Using Active Listening to Get Women Riveted The thing you'll find about active listening properly is, it's much easier than trying to guess what a woman means or assume you know! Because, what you'll be doing is, rather than try and interpret what she's saying yourself, you're going to involve her in the process of helping you to understand. Now, there's a degree of this that does come from experience. Once you've talked to thousands of different women, when one of them starts telling you she'd love to just quit her job and go travel the world, you know that she isn't really saying that she hates her job (she might love it), and she isn't really saying that she loves travel (she might never have

traveled), but what she's actually saying is rather that she longs for a sense of adventure, excitement, the exotic, and newness in her life. You should look at active listening as putting together the pieces of a puzzle -- the puzzle of what a woman is telling you. It works like this: 1. A girl tells you something she feels 2. You ask her why she feels that 3. Then, you tell her she feels the way she feels because of what she told you Like so: Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there. Guy: Why? Why do you care if a lot of people are stupid? Girl: Because they could be doing such good things with their lives if they weren't! Guy: Good things like what? Girl: I don't know, like inventing things that make life better or more productive, or helping people who are less fortunate, or even writing great novels or painting great paintings. Guy: Okay. So you wish that people were less stupid because then they'd be able to contribute a lot to the world and make the world a better place. Girl: Exactly! In 30 seconds you've now recruited her help in allowing you to understand exactly what she feels and believes. Then, you fed it back to her (or "paraphrased it," using our reader's terminology). That's how you listen to women effectively, feed it back to them correctly, and do active listening right. Proper active listening is absolutely crucial to effective deep diving, and a mainstay of being a good conversationalist. It bolts down connection fast in your conversations with girls, and gets you and a girl you've just met vibing very quickly. If you look at that example above, guessers and assumers both would come up with different, but faulty, interpretations like this: Guessing: Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there.

Guy: You find the things that stupid people say and do annoying? Girl: No, it's not that, it's that they could be doing so much more with their lives! Assuming: Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there. Guy: Yeah, I think they're kind of a waste of good breathing air too. Girl: That's not what I meant. What I meant was, they could be doing such good things with their lives if they only tried! Can you see the difference between the guessers, assumers, and active listeners? • • •

The guessers take a shot at proposing what they think she might mean The assumers state strongly what they think she might mean The active listeners assume they don't know what she means, and ask her

Because of this, active listeners stand a much higher percentage chance in any individual exchange of effectively connecting with women, and a much lower chance of saying something that makes a girl feel like they don't "get" her, like the interpreters often do. If you follow the active listening process: 1. A girl tells you something she feels 2. You ask her why she feels that 3. Then, you tell her she feels the way she feels because of what she told you ... you'll quickly find you start connecting with women a whole lot faster -- and a lot more easily.

How to Start a Conversation with Anyone You Want

by Colt Williams Monday, 2 June 2014 What’s the greatest single key to being able to converse with girls in a relaxed way, not put too much pressure on yourself, be sexual, and then pull them home? It’s not looks. It’s not confidence. It’s not being well-dressed. These aspects are all important, however, the single greatest key to being able to converse with any girl is momentum.

You can take the most talented, socially suave guy in the world, and throw him in a social situation on an off day, and he’ll look like an awkward, uncalibrated beginner. And every guy who gets consistent success with girls understands the principle of momentum. Especially because the high value men understand what it means to work extremely hard. When you spend all day on the grindstone – on your computer, on pieces of paper, on the phone… the last thing you feel like is a social dynamo when you step out of the door. That’s why you need to learn to converse with anyone and everyone around you. If you can learn how to start a conversation with anyone, you can learn how to get yourself warmed up and talking to the hottest girls in any situation. And it’s no pressure, it’s not like you’ll ever see these people again (or maybe if you make a good connection, you could). Sounds easy, right? So why doesn’t every guy go and start a conversation with anyone and everyone? This question is exactly what I’m going to address today, along with how you can overcome your own fear of strangers and use conversations with anyone in any situation to help boost your energy and get you ready to seduce the hottest of women. Let’s go.

Getting Out of Your Head The reason why it’s harder for guys of any level – but especially newer guys – to build social momentum by only talking to girls, is that they’re too in their head. They are focused on their inward narrative instead being invested in their environment, which can be a game killer. So you’ll have to learn how to change your focus to the external. The keys to being able to get out of your head are: •

Talking to a lot of people at consistent time intervals



Getting yourself in a positive state



Focusing on your surroundings



Amping your energy

In all honestly, newer guys have more fragile egos and are looking for girls to give them a boost of confidence and some emotional validation. There’s nothing wrong with this fact if you haven’t trained yourself to find energy and a clear state from within. But the only problem is that you can’t build up proper momentum, because if you face one or two rejections or harsh reactions, you’ll be too discouraged to actually get over the hump and build the proper momentum. An experienced man knows that he’ll have to have a few interactions (and sometimes more than a few) that are messy and probably poorly received by the other party. Whether it’s girls or anyone else, this process is necessary to get to the point where you’re warmed up.

Positive State: Catching Fire However, the difference with the experienced man is: he knows that inevitably he will catch social fire. He understands the concept of small chunking his way to victory. He understands that each small interaction gets him an inch closer to that social fire where he’ll be able to pull even the hard case stunners. It’s important for newer guys to understand this principle as well. It doesn’t matter what you feel like at the beginning of the night or day when you go on an outing. As long as you keep talking to people, you will catch social fire.

And for newer guys, the easiest way to catch social fire is starting a conversation with anyone. Why? Because you can talk to random people without any pressure or fear of judgment – from yourself or from the other person.

That’s what is so fantastic about talking to random people. You can say whatever you want or do whatever you want knowing that it pretty much doesn’t matter. You can mix up your words, you can be nervous, and you have nothing to lose. You don’t need anything from them besides the conversation, so you can go in no pressure and ask questions and converse in a free-flowing way. Focus on Your Surroundings The more you change your point of focus to your surroundings the easier it will be to get out of your head. The more you act on your environment, the less your environment will act on you. So a good trick to getting out of your head is making conscious observations about what’s going on around you. If you’re outside, what’s the vibe of the streets? What do the buildings look like? How are people dressing and acting? If you’re in a bar or club pay attention to the music. Does it match the venue? Scope out the logistics: where would you take a girl to isolate her from everything else? What kind of emotions are people feeling? Paying attention and being present to the moment is an all-important skill for a seducer of any level. You need to be able to get a beat on what’s going on around you, which is much harder than it sounds. So next time you’re out: focus. Take in the small details and know what’s going on in your environment. Amping Your Energy When you go out often enough, you’ll start to realize that everyone who is out is just as nervous and self-conscious and apprehensive as you are. If they are not, then they are probably drunk. And this is why you need to learn how to boost your energy without alcohol. Let me preface this next point by saying that everyone has their own style of seduction and going about cold approaching women. But what I find that helps me (and a lot of other younger guys) get into state is to bring energy. The reason why I like bringing energy is because the person who brings energy – especially at night – is the one who is giving value rather than taking it. You always want to be the person who is including others in your party, rather than trying to join theirs. So if you are able to boost your state, you’ll always be the one that people gravitate toward. So in order to boost my energy or the energy of any other guys who may be with me, I just try to do something to help me completely let loose. Sometimes I’ll dance in the middle of the street; sometimes I’ll yell at the top of my lungs; sometimes I’ll just start telling a ridiculous story to a random person. I love doing these things because once you completely let go, you’re free to make mistakes and

do whatever you want for the rest of the night. You’re nervous about girls rejecting you? Well too bad, because a massive group of hot girls already saw you howling like a wolf, so you pretty much can’t top that. This action speaks to a principle in self-development called “eating your frog”. The saying goes: “If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!”

It’s the exact same thing with going out. If the first thing you do when you walk out the door is the Thriller dance out in front of hundreds of people, that’s pretty much the most “embarrassing” thing that could happen to you all night. So blowouts, rejections, approach anxiety, not saying the right thing – that’s all child’s play compared to what you’ve already done. Like I said, this isn’t a style that jives with everyone. Some people like the lower energy, more debonair style of gaming. And that’s completely fine. But you have to have a rock-solid internal frame in order for this style to work. The James Bond style works best: •

During day game



At quieter and/or classier night venues



At more laid-back parties

But honestly, I’ve rarely seen newer/intermediate guys who can actually pull off the suave style – especially at night. They just tell themselves they’re being suave and demure when in reality they’re just standing around not talking to girls – or anyone, for that matter.

That’s why I think just letting loose is a far better strategy. And it’s actually really funny to see how many people are truly stifled when they go out. When I go out with my friends, I see so many people in the corner standing around with wide eyes looking at us. Then they say things like “I just love watching you guys have a great time!” or “I love how much fun you guys are having!” That’s because deep down everyone wants to let loose, but few have the courage to actually do it. If you take the time to let yourself be free, you’ll set yourself up for a great night – all the time, every time. So if letting go, building momentum, and starting conversations with anyone are so important, how come so many guys are afraid to talk to random people? How come we all can’t start a conversation with anyone we want, anytime we want? The answer is social conditioning. It’s important to understand what it is in this context. And it’s even more important to understand how to beat it.

Where It Came From What are some of the first things that you remember being taught when you were a little kid? I’m sure you can remember at least one of these three: •

Eat your vegetables



Look both ways when you cross the street



Don’t talk to strangers

Even from a young age we are taught that it’s taboo or even dangerous to talk to strangers. Now this lesson may be valuable for a six-year-old, but we’re never really taught as adults that it’s okay to talk to strangers. And that people crave social interaction – especially in the West. So most people walk around the world actually subconsciously scared to talk to new people. What are they afraid of? 1. They’re afraid of being physically hurt 2. They’re afraid of being judged But most of all… 3. They’re afraid of being rejected Rejection hurts, I don’t have to tell you that. But why does rejection hurt so much? I have a couple of theories: A. People are still children at heart. And when someone rejects you, they are essentially saying on a subconscious level: “I don’t love you,” or “You don’t matter,” or “You don’t belong here.” And that hurts on a very deep, biological level. Because being separated

from other people means death biologically. And as a corollary… B. We take it personally. It’s hard not to take rejection personally. You just put yourself out there to engage with another human being who otherwise wouldn’t have known you, and they essentially respond by saying “You’re not worth my time,” or “You’re not worth anything at all.” And that hurts. A lot. Can you resonate with these feelings? I’m sure you can, even if you never consciously thought about it. So how do we overcome these barriers?

Leave Social Conditioning Behind There are a couple of steps you have to take in order to overcome social conditioning: 1. Give yourself permission. The greatest champion and the greatest enemy of your success is the same person – you. You just have to choose which side you want to be on. If you want to tell yourself a million reasons why you shouldn’t talk to people, then you’ll be buried under a pile of excuses and remain silent. But if you choose to let yourself be okay with putting yourself out there, you’ll take an important first step toward being able to talk to others. 2. Learn not to take it personally. This is much easier said than done. I find that meditation, affirmations, and positive body language can be very helpful in learning not to take the words of strangers personally. It’s funny because us taking the words of others personally has so much less to do with them and much more to do with us. We start using their words to confirm a negative narrative that’s already going on in our head. “She’s right, maybe I am awkward,” or “Nobody ever really gives me a chance, so why should she?” But if you replace your internal narrative with something positive, it’ll be much harder for people to affect you. And you’ll start to realize: they don’t know you, so how can they be judging your character – your very person? They can’t. If they do – you’re just letting them. 3. Know that you’ll be okay. Has the world ever ended because you got rejected? Have your family ever disowned you because someone said something mean to you? Of course not. We like to hink that things will be much worse than they actually are. You’re an adult. Talking to strangers isn’t actually dangerous anymore. No matter what happens…you’ll be okay.

So now that we’ve talked about how to get past the conditioning, let’s talk about what to actually say.

Give Someone a Genuine Compliment This one really never fails me. If you want to start a conversation with anyone, the easiest way to do so is to give them a genuine compliment. I always find it interesting how many people I go out with pull me aside and say “I think her dress is really cool,” or “I love that guy’s hat.” I always respond by saying: “Well, why don’t you go tell them that?” I can understand being apprehensive about telling a girl she’s hot, but giving someone a genuine compliment is only going to boost their day/night. Who doesn’t want to hear that they’re looking good? And yet, people don’t give themselves permission to approach strangers – even with something positive. So, in that case: 1. Think of a genuine compliment 2. Give yourself permission to approach someone 3. Tell them the compliment After you do this, the door is usually open to get their name, a little of their story, and to continue the interaction toward getting to know them a little bit and boosting your own social momentum.

Ask Them for Information You Actually Need It’s shocking to me how many people actually need information but are too afraid to approach strangers to get it. Maybe you’re looking for a coffee shop. Maybe you need help finding a particular book in a bookstore. Maybe you want to know where someone got their suit.

If you actually need information from a stranger, then ask for it. It’s silly to just walk around aimlessly trying to figure something out when you could solve your problem with a two second interaction. And in the same way as the previous case, all you need to have is something to open the door, and then you can extend the interaction if you want. Say Anything Are you starting to notice a trend here? Starting a conversation with a stranger is like opening a girl in many ways. All you have to do is just say something that will get your foot in the door. After that, you can extend the conversation as you please. You can: •

Ask for their opinion



Make a joke



Say song lyrics to them



Cheer

It really doesn’t matter as long as you do something. As long as you give yourself the permission to do something, and know that you can follow up, you’ll be on great footing to start a conversation with absolutely anyone you want.

Lower Your Conversation Standards Some guys are under the impression that if you want to start a conversation with someone – especially a girl – you have to have the perfect thing to say. This could not be further from the truth. You don’t need the perfect complement or the perfect joke in order to start talking to someone.

Just know that you have to say something, and that the fact that you said something is good enough.

Let the Good Times Roll Once you start a conversation, keep it going if you want to. The key to getting true social momentum is being able to mix short bursts of interactions with a few more substantive ones. So if

you find yourself talking to someone you actually enjoy: keep it going. Guys are often worried about conversations fizzling out, but it’s actually easier than you think to keep things alive. Just remember: •

Be genuine



Be a little vulnerable



Know that whatever you have to say is important



Have at least one good story to tell



Listen



Relate

If you can keep these things in mind, you will be able to start a conversation with anyone and keep it going for as long as you want.

Use the Momentum to Seduce Girls Finally: use your momentum to talk to hot girls. Whenever I interact with girls after building my momentum, they always tell me that I’m fun, I love life, and that they feel very relaxed and free around me. Why is that? Because I don’t need anything from them. My energy is so high and my state is so positive that they know that they’re joining my party. And that’s the point you want to reach. If you converse with enough random people, eventually you’ll be compelled to start talking to girls without even really thinking about it. And then if you keep that momentum going, laughing off rejections and just giving yourself permission to let loose, you’ll start interacting with hot girls without really thinking about it. And they’ll love it. And that’s when things get really fun.

Wrapping Up Talking to strangers can seem a lot more intimidating than it actually is. I think the key is less about the conversation itself and more about bringing the right energy and giving yourself permission to act even though you know that there will inevitably be bumps and hiccups along the way. But it’s okay, calm waters are boring anyway.

How to Start a Conversation with a Hot Girl

by Colt Williams Monday, 25 November 2013 You’re walking down the street and you see a really hot girl walking toward you down the block. “Wow, this girl is really beautiful! I should go introduce myself” you think. As the two of you near one another, you’re able to study her every aspect: the swing of her hips... the smoothness of her hair... the look of her form fitting dress – it’s all amazing. The two of you come side-by-side, and you see her greet you with a pair of beautiful eyes and a subdued, but warm, smile. A flurry of fantasies begins to rush through your head. You start to think about how idyllic it would be to take walks in the park with her; you think about going on thrilling adventures with her; you think about taking her back to your place, clinking glasses of wine, pulling her lips into yours, and having passionate sex.

You go to open your mouth and say something to her… but no words come out. You’re too nervous. Why would a hot girl want to talk to me? She pauses for a second more to see if you’ll do anything… but then she disappears into the distance… never to be seen again. And you keep walking… kicking yourself and asking why you couldn’t just say something to her. Sound familiar? Do you want to learn how to prevent this scenario from happening to you? Do you want to learn how to chat up stunning girls wherever you are without it being a big deal? If so, read on, my friend.

In order to have a conversation with a hot girl and eventually seduce her, you’ll have to start treat her normally and not like some rare treasure. You’ll have to treat her like you do cute girls. On a subconscious level, every man understands the difference between a cute girl and a hot girl. Chase wrote a fantastic article on what’s different when you talk to a hot girl. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you read it here. But I want to expand on the ideas that he discusses and give you more tools to understand how to strike up a conversation with a hot girl. Few men understand the specifics of how differently he treats cute girls vs. hot girls, and how these subconscious associations affect their success rates. So let me outline the key differences in how you think about cute girls vs. hot girls and why you’ll need to throw out these distinctions in order to be successful having a conversation with a hot girl.

Cute Girls These are the girls who are definitely attractive, but not stunning. You want to take them to bed, but they won’t stop you dead in your tracks and make you forget what your name is. This is how you normally think about the cute girl: •

She is generally a nice girl. When you see a cute girl, you have a subconscious association between her and being nice. You see her as fun to be around: a girl who loves to laugh, have fun, and will generally make you feel good. Even if you approach her and she rejects

you, she will most likely let you down easy and tell you that “she’s just not dating right now,” followed up by how great of a guy you are and how any girl would be lucky to have you. •

There are a lot like her. If you see a cute girl, you may or may not approach her depending on how hampered you are by approach anxiety. If you don’t approach her, you may feel guilty for a minute or two, but you’ll probably forget about it pretty quickly and take solace in the fact that there are cute girls everywhere. In essence, you see cute girls as abundant resources.



You’re only attracted to particular aspects of her personality/body. You know that with a cute girl, you’re almost never going to get the total package. Maybe her personality is great, but her face is just meh. Maybe she has a great face, but is slightly overweight. Maybe she doesn’t have the kind of butt or breasts you like. Whatever the case may be, you will almost never think: “This girl is the total package for me.” Nevertheless, you may settle for her because she’s good enough.



You assess her very rationally. If a cute girl doesn’t mesh with your personality or beliefs, you can clearly and calmly deduce this fact. You can easily examine her values and what role she could play in your life. You’re able to listen to her intently and you have no trouble relating to her on a person-to-person level. You may think about her when she’s not around, but these will be fleeting thoughts that will only momentarily distract you.



You don’t really think about the competition. If you meet a cute girl, you may wonder whether or not she has a boyfriend – and you may ask – but you probably don’t wonder if she’s casually sleeping with other guys. And even if you found out that she is, you probably wouldn’t care or be bothered by it very much.



You may or may not mention her to your friends. If you’re a guy who doesn’t sleep with girls very often and you seduce a cute girl, you may proudly mention that you are sleeping with and/or dating her. If you’re a more experienced guy, you will feel much less of a need to brag about a girl who is “cute” to your friends. You may mention it to one or two people, and you may tell people who ask, but you won’t go out of your way to discuss it, and you’ll just focus your energy on figuring out if you want to keep her around.



If she ends things, you won’t be devastated. In the case that you form a sexual relationship with a cute girl, if she decides to call it quits, you may be sad for a little while. You may wonder if you could’ve salvaged the situation. But in the end, unless you fell in love with her, you won’t be devastated if she decides to end things.

This pretty much sums up most guys’ thoughts and approach to cute girl. Now, contrast that with…

Hot Girls These are the girls who are absolute bombshells. These are the girls that you and your friends talk about nonstop when you see one at a restaurant or bar. These are the girls who could instantly redeem months of failure and frustration with your love life. And this is how you probably think about the hot girl: •

She is mean, cold or bitchy. If you see a hot girl, you probably figure that guys hit on her all of the time. So if you’re not a top of the line man – if you haven’t been hitting the gym and getting promotions – you assume she’ll blow you out of the water if you try to talk to her. You really worry about wasting her time. You don’t want to take up her precious hot minutes with an awkward approach or a tepid interaction.



She is a scarce resource. When you see a hot girl, you honestly have no idea when you’ll see another one – particularly if she is exactly your type. If you want to talk to her… the pressure is on. If you mess it up, it could be weeks before you see another girl of this caliber. And if you’re lucky enough to actually get a date with her… you want to be very careful about not messing things up with a girl who is out of your league.



She could be the total package. It’s very possible that she has a face that belongs in a fairy tale, a body that belongs in a porno (which you should stop watching), and a mind that belongs in a university. The possibility of her being the total package only turns up the pressure you feel to impress this girl and make her yours. Which also means…



You assess her very irrationally. You may be so floored by her beauty that you’re already hearing doves sing before you’ve gotten a chance to learn her name. You may already be fantasizing about her supple body against yours before you find out that she may be crazy.



You’re paranoid about other guys. This girl is stunning. And you know that every guy and his mother thinks so too. But you want this beauty to be your girl and only your girl. So you subconsciously prepare yourself to display as much value as you possibly can.



You’ll definitely tell your friends about her. Even if you don’t actually talk to her, you’ll probably mention the bombshell you saw on the way to work to your friends. If you do end up talking to her, and getting her number, etc., you will DEFINITELY mention it to your friends... with a sense of beaming pride.



If she ends things, you WILL be devastated. Most guys would be devastated by a hot girl simply rejecting them… so how would you feel if you actually got to have sex with her, or date her, and then she left you hanging out to dry? Yea, I thought so. Or even worse…



You’re surprised when things go well. This hot girl actually gave you the time of day? She actually wants to go out with you? Perhaps you’re just really lucky, and the heavens smiled on you in this moment.

These points sum up the difference between cute girls and hot girls in the psyche of most men. The bottom line is: most men put hot girls on a pedestal and think that they need to “prove” themselves.

This also means that most men do the exact wrong things when they encounter hot girls, and they end up needlessly sabotaging themselves. Well, that ends today. Time for a mental reboot…

Now, I can’t say that the above statement is true for 100% of the guys who are reading this article. But, I can safely say that it’s true for 97% of you. I’m going to reveal to you a few little known truths about hot girls that will make approaching them, talking to them and seducing them 100 times easier. Ready? Here they are:

Truth #1: It’s Easier to Seduce Hot Girls Did you just read that right? Yes. Yes you did. It’s actually EASIER to seduce a hot girl than it is to seduce an average or even ugly girl. Why? 1. The average girls are the ones that every guy thinks are “in his league.” So every man and his brother are competing for them 2. If you’re strong and confident and you use your normal process on an ugly girl, you may actually have so much value that she will be suspicious of your advances or too insecure to flirt with you – and she’ll reject you However, with hot girls, most guys are too scared to approach them. So, in the sense of the number of

men approaching any given hot girl, it’s actually usually pretty low. This means that if you can approach with strong fundamentals, your chances are actually pretty good.

Truth #2: “Hot” Girls are Everywhere As Chase discussed in his piece, the definition of hot is different for every guy. And pretty much no matter where you are, you’ll find a girl whom some guy would classify as “stunning.” Furthermore, if you don’t see a hot girl every single day, then you’re spending too much time at home. Hot girls are on the bus, they are in the grocery store, they are at the mall, they are on the street, they are in your workplace… they are everywhere. They are hardly a scarce resource by any means.

Truth #3: She is Probably Not the Total Package Hot girls are usually so deemed because they have exceptionally symmetrical faces. In my experience, that is usually the only criterion. I very rarely meet a “hot” girl who has a gorgeous face and a fantastic body (most are just model skeletons) – let alone tacking on exceptional intelligence and a vibrant personality. So don’t build them up to unrealistic proportions.

In fact… Truth #4: She is Probably Quite Ordinary A hot girl is no more likely to be an interesting and unique person than an ugly girl. In fact, a hot girl is more likely to be ordinary because she’s spent her entire life having legions of people lapping praise on her just for existing. And in most cases, men immediately try to seduce her without finding out the first thing about her. And now that you understand these truths about hot girls, let’s look at how to implement them in your conversations with hot girls.

How to Start a Conversation with a Hot Girl How do you make sure that you’re not left standing out in the cold next time there’s a hot girl around? Like this: 1. Feel Entitled. This isn’t the bad kind of entitlement, but the kind of entitlement where you feel that you deserve a hot girl. The problem that a lot of guys face is that they feel like hot girls are “better” than they are. They think, if only I could get more money, or a better job, or a better body… then I’ll deserve a hot girl. Of course, all of these things are important, but these things in themselves don’t give you a confident mentality. They are also slippery slopes. How much money do you need before you deserve a hot girl? How good of a body? How high-profile of a job? It’s more important to develop: o Your sexual vibe o Your smoothness o Your dominance o Your edge o



Your fashion

And everything else that will help you develop confidence and presence. Also, approach as

many girls in general as you can. Because when you approach a hot girl, you have to OWN the

approach. You have to tell yourself that you absolutely deserve to bring her into your life. After all, she’s just an ordinary person. Why don’t you deserve her? I know that it’s not easy to feel this way. But try to actively project absolute certainty in your approaches. The next steps will help you hone that sense of certainty. 2. Have Definite Purpose. So you want to talk to a hot girl? Fantastic. But why? Are you trying to get her number? Do you want a daytime pull? Do you want to ask her out on a date? If you know exactly what you’re aiming to do, and you have planned for your success, it’s easy to confidently approach her and move toward your goal. 3. Be Congruent. In other words: know what kind of man you are, and act that way. When I go out to talk to girls – hot or not – I know that I am a man who likes to have fun, learn what makes people tick, have intellectual conversations, be sexual, be adventurous, be traditional and find a girl who’s up for a casual relationship. I’m very unapologetic about this. And every girl who meets me understands who I am within no more than a few minutes of talking to me. If you go in as a smooth, aloof guy, don’t start cracking dumb jokes in the middle of the interaction. You can be funny, but don’t completely change your vibe. If you go in as a gritty, edgy guy, don’t get overly emotional. Remain consistent with your male identity. This will make it easier to seduce with her, follow up with her, and prevent her from playing games. 4. Say Anything and Be Especially Fun/Playful. With hot girls I’ve found that the easiest way to start a conversation is to be really fun and playful. They are too used to guys trying to slick, smooth and aloof. But being playful is a great change of pace. You can say anything to a hot girl. I’ve asked them about the weather, I’ve asked about their favorite cereal, I’ve asked them if they actually know what the fox says. As long as you have a relaxed and confident vibe, she’ll have a good time. But, make sure you make your intentions known quickly. If you get her relaxed, make a comment about how you find her cute or sexy, so that she has no doubts that you’re seducing her. 5. Learn About Her. Believe it or not, hot girls are individuals with flaws, quirks and eccentricities. If you treat her like a human being, she will be very receptive and want to tell you about herself. Moreover, hot girls are too used to guys trying to ask them out without qualifying them AT ALL. So if you

want her to be receptive to your seduction, you’ll have to connect with her and qualify her.

6. Make Assumptions. Hot girls are too used to guys interviewing them. Boost attraction with assumptions. Is she wearing a yoga outfit? Tell her she looks like a girl who would be yoga instructor. Does she have a great smile? Make something up and say she looks like she cheers people up for a living. When you tell a girl what you think she is, she will see you as

confident, and she will give you many details about what she actually does. 7. Keep it Brief. This is definitely a problem I’ve had in the past. If you’re having a conversation

with a random hot girl and you’re not trying to pull her then and there, follow my three-step process: Be bold, Be brief, Be gone. If you come on with a confident vibe, and you’re making her smile and invest in you, you should get her number/ask her out as soon as you can. You want her to know that you’re a busy man and that you have other places to be. Then after you meet your goal, smoothly exit the situation and follow up later. 8. Be Persistent. If there’s a lull in the conversation with a hot girl and she tries to leave before you’ve gotten her number/asked her out, tell her to stop, and tell her you want to talk to her for one more minute. Then use this time to grab her number or ask her out. Persistence is key. 9. Make sure to CLOSE Her. Do you know how many guys tell her that she’s beautiful, or that she’s sexy, or that she has great eyes… and then just slink off? Almost every guy in her life. Separate yourself from the pack and actually get her number/ask her out during the interaction. And make sure to follow up as well.

Parting Thoughts Hot girls can definitely be intimidating if you don’t have much experience, but they are far from a great mystery. The key is to learn how your mindsets are sabotaging you, and how to develop the correct mindsets and process to make you successful. Once you have that aspect of it, you have the hardest part handled.

Now get out there and start a conversation with a hot girl.

Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred Conversation

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 6 July 2011 Think for a moment of a time you were talking to a pretty girl you'd just met. You started hitting it off -- things were going great. You took the conversation deeper and deeper -- getting to know her more and more. It felt like the two of you were bonding at this incredibly close level, and it kept getting closer. There was more and more magic... more and more chemistry... crazy amounts of electricity sparking in the air... ... then, suddenly, the spell was broken. It was like the two of you came up for air, then realized that you'd emerged back up at the surface and couldn't get back down to where you were before. It was as if you'd awakened from a dream. Then, try as you might, you couldn't get back into that dream again... and both of you knew it. The interaction with this girl -- this girl you'd been bonding and connecting with so deeply mere minutes before -- ended soon after. It became too awkward to continue once it'd returned to that surface level of shallow conversation and superficiality, and she uncomfortably excused herself, telling you she had to go find her friends or that it was time for her to head home. But you were close -- you knew you were. There was so much intensity between the two of you, until it just... evaporated.

Diving Too Deep... and Running Out of Air Back when I first started developing the method of getting to know women that later became deep diving, this was something I frequently ran into.

I'd build these super deep connections with women, and they'd get deeper and deeper, until finally they'd... fall over, top-heavy. It was maddening. I've long prided myself though on not only my ability to break things down to their functional components, but also to "feel" when something's amiss, identify it, and course correct. And what I could feel was happening, in these instances, was that I was taking conversations too deep. I was over-diving, you might say. In scuba diving, there's a condition known as decompression sickness -- or, more commonly, "the bends." It's what happens when you dive too deep, and rise too quickly -- it can really mess you up, and can even be fatal. In conversational deep diving, our version of "the bends" is what happens when you end up "spell broken." You come up too fast out of a deep dive, and it's potentially fatal to your interaction.

I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure why this happens. It's weird. I have some theories, but nothing you can't shake a stick at. Ultimately, all I can say is, you go too deep and stay down there too long, and eventually 99% of your interactions are going to break spell. It might be because too much emotional intensity is draining on people, and they need a break from it. It might be because you're struggling to continue this downward dive into ever deeper territory, and the girl "rebels" and resurfaces, and knows internally that she was the one who broke free from that emotional hold -- severing a lot of her investment in you. Or it might be because it feels socially awkward -- much of being socially graceful is about helping others avoid awkward feeling situations, and the very fact that, by continually pressing to take things further, you end up putting a woman in an awkward position, communicates a lack of social grace, negatively impacting comfort and attraction. Whatever the reason, having the spell broken is one of those things that can very firmly and reliably sever interactions at the jugular and quite often kill attraction even over the long term. Get a girl's number that you've had break spell on you, and she likely even avoids meeting up with you again, or keeps it super friendly and neutral if she does.

How to Not Get Spell Broken: Managing the Flow The thing that women refer to as "chemistry" or "magic" or "something just clicked" is what we refer to as a combination of attraction and connection. Deep diving is one of the ways we move quickly to cultivate such a connection. It really is magical when you deftly move past small talk and get to really connecting on intimate topics and conversations. But the problem is getting yanked back out into cold reality and having the spell break. Fortunately, there are a number of readily identifiable causes of spell breaking that you can start working to eliminate right away. 1. Forgetting to lighten the mood. The problem with taking things heavy is that it becomes emotionally burdensome after a time. People don't want to be stuck in a spiral of increasingly deep emotions -- it can be almost overwhelming. To prevent women rebelling against too deep emotions, you should be actively using humor lightly sprinkled into your interactions to prevent the conversation from getting too top heavy with meaningfulness. Women aren't most attracted to men who get to know them super well and that's it. Women are most attracted to men who get to know them super well... and make the process quite exciting, enjoyable, and refreshing. Most guys try to either get to know women, without making it a good experience (thus, women rebelling and breaking spell), or try to make things exciting and enjoyable

without actually getting to know a woman. No good. Here's an example of lightening the mood: Girl: ... and when I stopped and looked at how much time I was spending doing work I really didn't want to do, that's when I started realizing that I was never meant to be an accountant. Guy: Which is when you went and launched a business selling owls online, right? Girl: [laughs] No, not exactly... Guy: Really? Ah, wrong again. Well, what'd you end up doing then? Girl: Well, at first I wasn't quite ready to quit my job, so I... You should be able to feel quite easily how much this little, harmless crack in there lightens the mood while not interrupting the flow of the conversation. Note also that there's nothing in there that might possibly be considered an insult to the girl; it's extremely important you don't say anything that could be construed as an attack when she's opening up to you. That'll derail the deep dive and quite possibly send her into auto-rejection.

2. Not changing topics when a subject's been exhausted. One thing I've noticed lots of newer guys do in their conversations with women is they get stuck on a topic, and keep trying to explore it more even when it's already been thoroughly explored and the girl is clearly ready to move on. The problem with getting hung up on topics is that it starts feeling awkward for the girl -- she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. This can cause the spell to break quite fast. How to know when a topic's been exhausted? Run through this checklist: • Are you discussing boring stuff? • Have you already discussed the most interesting things about a topic? • Does it feel like you ought to be talking about something else? If you answer "yes" to any of those, it's time to get things in gear and keep the conversation moving. Check out the post on being a conversationalist for more on that. 3. Getting into a debate or trying to be persuasive about subjective, inconsequential stuff. This is one of the most destructive things you can do when it comes to attracting women, but lots of guys do it anyway. Like so: Guy: Yeah, soul is cool, for sure, but you know what's REALLY awesome? Punk rock music. There's so much passion and nuance in it that there's really no comparison. Girl: Really? I've never really liked punk all that much. It's a little too whiney for me. Guy: No way! Punk's the best! How can you not like punk music?

Girl: It just doesn't appeal to me, I don't know. Guy: Man... I'm going to need to introduce you to some good punk. I'll bet I can get you to change your mind. It's really almost high art when you listen to the better songs. Girl: I guess, it just isn't something I was ever able to get into. Getting into an exchange like this will get you spell broken faster than you'll be able to realize what happened. Debates and persuasions about inconsequential things (things unrelated to the two of you becoming lovers) will unravel attraction so quick it'll make your head go numb. Avoid this like the plague. 4. Criticizing her or shooting down her ideas or opinions. I alluded to this one at the end of #2, but basically, if you want to shut down a connection and kick a woman rudely back to the surface of the connecting pool, criticizing her is fastest and most reliable way to do it -- even faster than debating and persuading over inconsequential things. Example: Girl: I've always thought that if I can get my art gallery up and running, I'll never have to worry about being a starving artist again.

Guy: I don't really think an art gallery is too great an idea to try and make money off of. Many of them make very little money, and it's common to see them close not long after opening. Ouch. That's uncalled for. And it's exactly opposite what a seductive, romantic man who's very interested in her is going to discuss. He's there to make her feel good and lead her to physical intimacy, not to assess and critique her dreams and tell her what's a good idea and what isn't. This is one of those things that men who are still too caught up in having logical, fact-exchanging conversations with a woman do that leave them scratching their heads wondering why she lost interest. All of those are the things that, if you get caught doing them, are very likely to break the spell in a hurry and end both you and your girl up in an awkward, floundering conversation, wondering what happened and why the connection was lost. If you keep your nose clean and remember to keep things light, change topics at the appropriate times, avoid arguments or debates, and refrain from criticizing a girl or her ideas, you'll insure yourself against having the spell get broken -- and you'll do a far better job of building a strong, stable connection with women. See you on here again soon. Chase Amante This often happened to me with sharpest women! Posted by David on Tuesday, 23 July 2013 Hi, I'd like to post a comment on this aricle. Spell Breaking is really maddening and I lost the sharpest women exactly this way. And having read some of Chase's articles, I just realized why this happens. It all boils down to deep emotional trough. You meet a gorgeous woman and get into a conversation. It goes great, you are a sexy man and she is very attracted to you as you are talking together. Within half an hour, she wants you badly. You may want her as well, however, you enjoy the maximum from the conversation at the moment. But remember, deep diving is rarely about sexual stuff, while she craves more of you as a sexual man. And this causes the break. She likes the deep conversation and goes with that emotion, but at the same time she feels that it's only moving you away sexually from her (i.e your attainability goes down). This is a conflict of expectations and she starts to feel like you don't want her or you're too slow. Finally, the tension breaks inside of her and the conversation is spell-broken. She wanted sex with you, but autorejects you instead. One more thing - losing a woman this way belongs to the most painful cases I know. David

Get to Know a Girl: Connection-Building Tactics

by Chase Amante Thursday, 12 May 2011

A guy meets a girl he thinks he might really like. She's cute, she has a great energy about her, and there's something about her – the way she looks at him, the way she smiles and laughs when he says something funny, the way he feels just being in her presence – that makes him get a little excited about her. What comes next though is that one thing that's troubled so many men throughout history: once you've found one that you like, how do you get to know a girl? In this post, I'm going to take a look with you at the old concept of "screening and qualifying," at how men usually get to know girls – and the mistakes they make – and at deep diving once again. Best of all, I'm going to introduce you to a very different way of thinking about getting to know women from the traditional screening and qualifying mindset that's so

pervasive out there right now, that's guaranteed to help you fit the pieces together in a much more streamlined way. Let's dive in.

Mistakes Men Make Trying to Get to Know a Girl When most men meet a girl they like, they make a valiant effort to get to know her – and usually end up doing it all wrong. Common things guys do include: •

Talking about themselves a lot



Trying to be impressive



Trying to carry much of the weight of the conversation



Actively seeking to keep things moving smoothly constantly



Being clumsy or obvious in things like screening and qualifying



Acting overly interested in uninteresting topics



Venturing onto uninteresting topics themselves

And there are a lot more than that. But you get the idea. Point is, most men mess themselves up while trying to get to know a girl. They have missteps and make some clumsy maneuvers and they end up knocking themselves out of contention for the girl. Why do guys do this? It mostly comes from lack of understanding. Lack of understanding of some basic core social dynamics that influence how we become intrigued by and attracted to others. For instance, most men take the "be overwhelmingly impressive" approach to attempting to woo women. The thought behind it is, "If I can communicate to her just how amazing I am, she won't have any choice but to become insanely attracted to me!" Except, attraction doesn't quite work that way. Women are hardwired to not take men's words at face value. The easiest way to present yourself falsely is through the words you speak; because of this, his spoken word is the least reliable indicator of a man's value as a potential boyfriend or lover. And women know this, both intuitively and (quite often) consciously. The man who's a skilled conversationalist realizes this. This is why he seeks not to impress, but to understate and use humbleness to remove some of the glare from his presentation with others. A woman isn't going to feel comfortable opening herself up to you when she feels like you're positioned 3,000 feet above her as vastly more accomplished and ridiculously superior. Instead, she'll close off. And this is what happens with most men's efforts to get to know women: they cause women to close off, either by being too impressive, or by trying too hard to force rapport. All those mistakes we listed above either end up making a man seem like too much, or like he's working too hard to come across a certain way or achieve a certain objective. He isn't using the effortlessness of sprezzatura and he isn't minding the Law of Least Effort. He's seeming too high and mighty, or too artificial and needy.

What the Seducer Knows about Getting to Know Women A man who's a seducer doesn't make those mistakes mentioned above. Part of that is his mindset – he doesn't view getting to know a girl to be as much of a life-or-death kind of deal as an average man

does, and so doesn't place inordinate amounts of pressure on himself to perform – but a larger part of it is his simply knowing what women want, like, and enjoy in a man they've met, and his knowing how to genuinely connect with a woman and get to know her. The seducer knows that most women aren't pop stars or supermodels or CEOs. He knows he doesn't have to be the most impressive man of her life to catch her attention – and that, in fact, positioning himself as such is likely to put him out of her league. And he knows that women don't want to meet a man who wants to tell them all about himself – they want to meet a man who wants to know all about them. But not just any man. They want a man who's charming and attractive – a man they're going to want to open up to. Women want to open themselves up to a man they're attracted to off the bat. That takes working on your fundamentals – on things like how to be a sexy man and on things like understanding why girls like bad boys and how you can use that knowledge to make yourself into a more attractive man. But even if you haven't yet started working on your core fundamentals, there are still women who like you and want to open themselves up to you. You cross paths with these women all the time – the girl in line at the coffee place whose gaze lingered on you a little too long; the woman you met at happy hour the other day who couldn't seem to get enough of talking to you. All you need to do is find these women – and get to know them. And it's not about being impressive. Nor is it about putting the weight of the conversation on your back and carrying it forward. Nor is it about struggling, tooth-and-clawing it, fighting to make an interaction work. If a girl likes you, you shouldn't have to fight her to get to know her. It should be easy... right? Screening, Qualifying, and Connection-Building The first thing you normally learn about within the circles of men training for success with women is a concept known as "screening and qualifying." It's an old standby that's been a fixture in the industry for a long time because, quite frankly, it works. Screening is the term for the practice of (usually) asking women questions about themselves to get to know them better. Statements can also be used to encourage women to self-screen, but for beginners the easiest things to start off with typically are screening questions. A few very basic examples so you know what I’m talking about: •

"Do you cook?"



"What sort of creative stuff do you do?"



"Do you travel at all?"

Those are basic screening questions, and they'll help you quickly find out things about a girl that you're curious to know. Screening is a normal part of human interaction and dialogue. It's how we get to know one another. Screening is great, wonderful, and absolutely essential. BUT, one of the things you're often told about it is completely wrong. A lot of the guys in the seduction industry recommend "screening hard" to "show women you have standards." They're coming from that same mindset that you need to "display higher value" in order to "impress" women, basically. In this instance, by screening you "impress women with your standards."

Actually, for a while I thought about screening this way myself. It's a pervasive mindset. But there was something about it that never quite clicked for me mentally... But we'll come back to that in a second. There's a second part to screening, and it's known as "qualifying." Your screens won't get far without qualifying statements, which are, simply put, how you show a woman your approval of her answers. At least, again, that's the thought behind it in mainstream seduction circles. So, an exchange with a screen like the following occurs: Guy: Can you cook? Girl: I sure can! I've been cooking since I was ten. And in response, the guy qualifies the girl to reinforce his approval of her passing his screen: Guy: Oh, that's great! I love girls who can cook. And as far as building connections and boosting attraction goes, screening does its job really well. Screening works, hands down. But the explanations for why it works always seemed a little clunky to me. "Screen a girl to show her you have standards. Then, qualify her to show you approve of her and get her viewing you as higher value and an authority figure." That felt a little... misunderstood to me. Once I started putting together the framework of connection building that became deep diving though, things started to click better and make more sense. I realized that people became comfortable with other people and let their guards down the more

connected to someone else they felt. And as they became comfortable and as their guards went down, they allowed themselves to become attracted. Actually, that last part's a concept I owe to my old business partner, MNX. He first introduced me to the idea that a lot of women are controlling themselves and preventing themselves from feeling attraction.

They're putting the dampener on their feelings for men. And as I learned more and more about connection building, I began to realize why: It's because most men don't make women feel comfortable, connected, and understood. And people don't open themselves up to people they don't feel comfortable, connected, and understood with. They keep their defenses up, raise the bridge over the moat, and plop archers into their towers. They stay at the ready to defend against attacks. But when you build a connection with them – when you make them feel comfortable and understood – those defenses come down. The bridge gets lowered and the archers head to the cantina for a pint of ale. So, building connections helps people to lower their defenses and really feel around you. And what's one of the key tenets of building solid connections with people? Helping them to feel like you know them better. By finding out more and deeper and broader things about women, you enable them to connect to you more thoroughly. And by enabling women to connect to you more thoroughly, you enable them to allow themselves to feel attraction. What I realized was that screening worked not because it "shows women you have standards," but because it helps women to CONNECT to you! It helps them to help you know more and more about them, and thus they begin to feel increasingly comfortable, connected, and understood – and, thus, they put their guards down and allow themselves to let their mounting attraction for you run free. This is also why women you don't screen properly go into auto-rejection and leave; they start feeling like you aren't getting to know them and don't care to, and eventually the conversation feels to uncomfortable for them to remain in and they make their exits. Screening works because it helps women feel connected, which frees them to feel attracted. What about qualifying then? Is it still about showing women you approve and getting them to view you as a leader? Well, the current thinking on qualifying I think is a little closer to the mark than the current thinking on screening... but, it's still off the mark, nevertheless. Let's look at qualifying from the same perspective as screening. Screening works because it helps you

build better connections with women by encouraging them to share things about themselves with you and you get to know them better. How does qualifying advance a connection? Simple: see if you can feel the difference between these two interactions: You: Actually, it's something of a hobby of mine. Girl: How long have you been doing that? You: Almost four years. I've gotten pretty good. Girl: ... You: So... do you have any hobbies? Girl: Not really. I'm too busy for hobbies. and You: Actually, it's something of a hobby of mine. Girl: How long have you been doing that? You: Almost four years. I've gotten pretty good. Girl: Oh, so cool! I really admire that you stuck with it that long and developed your skill... most people never do that, they give up way too early! What made you keep at it? You: Well, I... Huge difference, right? What's the main difference? The girl in the second conversation qualifies you for what you've shared with her. The girl in the first example does not. Why's it matter? Is it because Girl #2 is showing approval over you and you're accepting her as a leader? No. It's because you feel like Girl #2 gets you and wants to build a connection with you. She appreciates you. So, you lower your defenses, you allow yourself to feel more connected to her and feel more attracted, and you start viewing her as someone who's on your side; she's "one of us" instead of "one of them." That's why qualifying works. Because, like screening, it helps you build connections with women, which allows women to feel attracted to you.

How to REALLY Get to Know a Girl Ready to step your connecting game up and take it to the next level? Good. Because if you've made it this far in this post, I've got something special for you. It's new, cuttingedge stuff I've been using for a little while but have only recently broken down well enough that I feel comfortable putting pen to paper about it. And that is the concept of how you can integrate screening and qualifying seamlessly with deep diving. Deep diving is all about forming fast, rapid connections with women. Screening and qualifying is all about finding out the things you want to know from women. If you want to get to know a girl fast and well, you must combine these two things. To do so, there's something you must understand first about qualifying: the reason it works is not because you are verbally saying "I approve." Nope, that's not why qualifying works at all. The reason why qualifying works is because you express INTEREST in another person. Look back over those last two examples above about the girl who qualifies you and the girl who doesn't. What's the deepest emotion you feel about what those women are conveying? The first girl doesn't care about your hobby. The second girl DOES. So, rather than look at qualifying as necessarily something in which you must explicitly convey approval for what a woman shares with you, instead you can look at it through the far more flexible view of seeing it as expressing interest in her and what she's sharing as she seeks to connect with you. Here's how we combine all three elements (screening, qualifying, and deep diving): You: When you're not crunching numbers or saving small animals, how do you spend your time? Her: Well, actually I sculpt. You: Really? No way! Sculpt what? Her: Mostly 12 inch or smaller sculptures, though I've done a few human-size pieces. You: Hmm! That's wild. I never would've taken you for the eccentric artist-with-a-hammer-and-chisel type. How long have you been doing that? Her: Since I was 5 years old. My father taught me. You: That makes you something of a prodigy then, right?

Her: Well... maybe if I'd kept at it. I slacked off majorly in high school though. You: Ah, so maybe you could've been Raphael... but you got too interested in skipping class and chasing boys, huh? Her: Haha, well, maybe... do you do anything in the arts? Notice how we use screening questions ("How do you spend your time?" "Sculpt what?" "How long have you been doing that?" "That makes you a prodigy, right?") both to find out more about this topic in particular and to advance the deep dive overall, and we use interest and excitement and further screening questions (which convey further interest) to serve as our qualifiers. And right away, you have a very smooth, natural, intuitive way of getting to know a girl. You find out more about her, show her that you're genuinely interested in what she has to say and encourage her to share more, and help her to grow her connectedness to you, get comfortable with you, and allow herself to feel attraction for you. By rolling screening and qualifying into your deep dives, you enable yourself to do away with the rather clumsy way most folks advocate using screening and qualifying – as stand-alone screens with an accompanying qualifier – and integrate them into your overall conversations, and then use them to explore deeper aspects of a woman's life, self, and history. Once you get this down, it is easy to get to know a girl. Stuff's only hard when you're doing it in a disjointed, unnatural way. Start plugging it all together, and you'll find your interactions hit a lot fewer snags along the way, and feel a lot cleaner and more fluid, both to you and to that new girl you're getting to know. If you want to know more about deep diving and connection-building, keep your eyes out for my upcoming video program, Spellbinding: Enchanting Conversation to Get Her Talking. In it, I go in-depth into how to transform yourself into an elite conversationalist that women find completely captivating. More information will be available in June 2011 in the program catalog. (update: you can get Spellbinding now right here: Spellbinding: Get Her Talking)

Meantime, use the signup form at the bottom of this page to join the newsletter and stay informed of all the latest announcements, and to find out when Spellbinding is coming out as well. Until then, here's to many exciting and connection-filled conversations between you and a great many beautiful young women.

Re: dead pan face Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 20 June 2011

Hey Jimmy, Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with 60's methods. Lots of really good stuff he discusses -- he's far more focused on being a sexually attractive man than on learning to say the right lines, which is the true road to success if you ask me. (For anyone not familiar with 60 Years of Challenge, good guy; he's in my "Friends" list to the right of this post) Using a "deadpan face" is a great strategy. I feel like a lot of guys when they're starting out are trying to smile the entire time they're talking to a girl, which seems a little fake and also comes across like they're trying a bit too hard to please the girl / not scare her off. I'm of the mind these days that it's better to be mysterious and reserved in what you show to women, particularly early on. Women love mysterious men and they chase mysterious men. The men who are being overly approving too soon signal to the women that they are in pursuit, and as soon as women feel pursued, they start to run away or put walls up or hoops for men to jump through. Actually, a problem with a lot of stuff that was/is taught widely in the community was that it was typically hardcore chasing-style stuff. The reason guys used to complain so much about girls "putting up hoops" was because they were chasing, so the women began looking to make them prove themselves.

When you're chiller, more mysterious -- using a deadpan face is one way of doing this -- you don't come across as a pursuer, and you don't get women putting up hoops to try and have you prove yourself. It's a total dynamic shift -- if you're seeing a lot of good results from wearing a more reserved face much of the time and only jumping in when a girl needs help getting back on track or reassurance that you're paying attention, that's why. Cheers, Chase

Re: Awkwardness Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Hey Jamal, With conversations with heavy sexual content like that, you end up needing to play hard or go home. That stuff scares some girls off, but the ones it doesn't will swing back just as hard at you. Normally I stay away from it, just because I don't want it scaring off the girls who aren't as sexually open (and instead of being directly sexual, I use chase frames). Also, bear in mind that women will throw things out there just to see if you'll bite, and when you do, they've "got you." Stuff like telling you she wakes up in different beds is one... less experienced guys will get excited and see that as an invitation, but then they lose their shot with her by "showing their hand." A more experienced guy is going to stay mysterious and sexual and challenging -- so his conversation might go more like this: Her: I'm an exotic dancer at the club downtown. Him: Rock on. How long've you been at that? Her: About two years. I started shy, then got crazy. Now I wake up in different beds every morning. Him: You sound like a hell of a thrillseeker. Her: Do you like thrillseekers? Him: Well, you know, I'm such a shy guy... Her: How shy are you? Him: I guess, when I wake up in different beds, I blush a little bit. "How'd that happen? She told me we were only going back for one drink and that's it!" Her: [laughs] Him: So when you're not dancing wildly on stage or waking up in strangers' beds, how do you spend your time? You basically want to communicate to her that you're "on the level" with where she's at, you aren't amazed or excited, and you do the same things -- without looking like you're trying too hard to force a connection.

Just more like, "Eh, yeah, happens to me too... ah well, it's a crazy world." If you get the "lesbian" thing, it probably means you pushed a little too hard on sexual stuff. You should respond to it, and then cut the sexual stuff out, at least until she's more comfortable with you. Her: I'm a lesbian. Him: How's that working out for you? Her: I like it. Nothing better than another girl in my bed. Him: Yeah, if I didn't have a dick I'd probably be a lesbian too. Men! Who needs em? Her: [laughs] Him: So what do you do when you're not entrancing desperate men for a living? Chase Re: Screening but get negative comments Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 3 September 2011

Hey Anon, Thanks for the kind words, man. Way cool to hear you're having an easier time of connecting with some girls thanks to the site. With regards to failed screens, this is a pretty common phenomenon. It goes two ways: •

She failed the screen because she really legitimately doesn't measure up in that area, or



She failed the screen because she's disinterested or doesn't care.

With these, I find the best approach is to treat her as the one being socially awkward and breaking the flow of rapport. So it goes something like this: You: Do you cook? Her: No, I don't. You: Oh... okay. [bored look... look distracted... look away] Save that for the girls who're being difficult / acting uninterested in you. It heaps a lot of social pressure on them to cut the act out.

For a girl who's just not very socially savvy / none too quick on the draw and doesn't know how to maintain forward momentum in a conversation when she's failed a screen, you'll have to lead the conversation -- like so: You: Do you cook? Her: No, I don't. You: Really? What do you do for food then? You're a TV dinner kind of gal? A lot of it then is going to come down to how you read her. So: •

Interested but awkward -- you keep things moving



Uninterested / distant -- you act bored and put pressure on her to shape up or ship out

Recognize that you will lose some of the uninterested girls who really are totally uninterested. The rest - the ones who were curious about you but it was just an act, and the ones who just weren't payingattention but then realize you're a really attractive guy when you hold your own, socially -- they'll get in gear and start talking with you as an equal. Cheers bro, Chase

Emotional Contagion in Seduction and Socializing

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 23 July 2013

A potent but under-discussed phenomenon in the fields of socializing and seduction is that of emotional contagion, the tendency for emotions between two or more people to converge. Emotional contagion is the foundation of frame control, and is of vital importance too in creating sexual tension and social pressure, in remaining in command of yourself and others in high pressure situations, and in effectively leading women (and men, too). You might say it's a case of "the person with the most solid and catchable emotions wins." Todays article is the first of a two-part series on emotional transference, with two articles focused on: 1. How to transfer your emotions to others, and 2. How to protect yourself from others' negative emotional transfers Done right, emotional transfer is an outstanding tool for creating the emotions in women that you want them to feel, and improving their experience, your experience, and the outcome of your interactions. And while "emotional contagion" and "emotional transference" might sound at first like New Age-y touchy-feely mumbo jumbo, it is in fact hard science, and it all has to do with the fascinating little cells in your brain called "mirror neurons."

Yes, indeedy do. I'm sure you've experienced this plenty of times yourself: • •



That time you were feeling great... until some dour friend of yours came along and dumped all his troubles on you, making you feel as awful as he did That time you were down in the dumps, until somebody told you a few jokes and shared a funny story about something that happened to her recently and suddenly you were laughing and chatting as if you'd been fine all along That time you went to the party feeling tired and drained, but after a short while around the other people there - even before the alcohol started kicking in - you were talking, dancing, flirting, and having a ball

"No man is an island," John Donne said. He might just as well have said, "Man is a lake in the middle of a sea." For things flow out of us, and things flow in.

How Emotional Contagion Works “We define emotional contagion as the tendency to automatically mimic and

synchronize expressions, vocalizations, postures, and movements with those of another person's and, consequently, to converge emotionally.”

That's an excerpt defining the subject from the paper "Emotional Contagion", first published in Current Directions in Psychological Science in 1993 by Elaine Hatfield, John T. Cacioppo, and Richard L. Rapson. While they note others as far back as Adam Smith in 1759 had proposed a method of humans mimicking one anothers emotional displays, it was only in the past 25 years or so that awareness of this phenomenon really gained much traction. I'd been aware of emotional contagion since I was a little boy growing up in the 1980s. I didn't know what it was or how it worked though... I just knew that it was very easy for me to make other people feel how I wanted them to feel. I just thought I had a "power." And while it'd be presumptuous to rule out an extrasensory basis altogether - there still isn't any significant refutation of the positive findings of the large number of ongoing ganzfeld telepathy experiments, for instance - as it turns out, emotional contagion does not need the supernatural to be explained. It exists courtesy a far more mundane explanation.

The way emotional contagion seems to work is that the brain analyzes the voices, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues of other people, then mimics them. This mimicry spurred on by the brain's "mirror neurons", a set of brain cells solely dedicated to making people feel what they observe other people feeling, to bring them emotionally in-sync - feeds back into the brain's emotion centers, causing mirroring not just externally - in one's own voice, expressions, and cues - but internally, as well - in what one actually feels.

Thus the term "emotional contagion" - as it turns out, smiles really are contagious... and misery does love company.

Power and Emotion I'm going to share a study with you now that's first going to seem confusing and counterintuitive, but it's absolutely key to how we use emotional contagion in seductive and social situations, so bear with me. Elaine Hatfield and three other researchers published an earlier study - in 1989 - in which emotional contagion was studied in conjunction with personal power. The study - titled "The effect of power on susceptibility to emotional contagion" - ran on the hypothesis that individuals in powerless positions (e.g., employee, student, inmate, etc.) would pay more attention to their superior's emotions and be more likely to "catch" those superiors' emotions, than superiors in positions of power (e.g., boss, teacher, police officer, politician, etc.) would be to theirs.

However... the study proved otherwise:

“This study explored two questions: Do people tend to display and experience other

people's emotions? If so, what impact does power have on people's susceptibility to emotional contagion? We speculated that the powerless should pay more attention to their superiors (than their superiors pay to them) and should thus be especially likely to “catch” their superion' emotions as well. College students, given the role of “teacher” (powerful person) or “learner” (powerless person), observed videotapes of another (fictitious) subject relating an emotional experience. They were asked what emotions they felt as they watched their partner describe the happiest and saddest event in his life. In addition, they were videotaped as they watched the tape. As predicted, clear evidence of emotional contagion was obtained in this controlled laboratory setting. However, a direct (rather than inverse) relation between power and emotional contagion was found. Powerful subjects were more likely to display their subordinate's feelings than subordinates were to display those of the powerful other. Several possible explanations for these unexpected results were proposed.”

It is not the powerless who are most susceptible to emotional contagion. It is the powerful. So how does this work?

To get our heads around emotional contagion's power dynamic, I'd like to ask you to think first of the person trapped in victim mentality. The typical person with victim mentality: • • •

Sees himself as the victim of more powerful superiors, who control the keys to him getting what he wants and needs or not Views himself as oppressed or shortchanged by more powerful forces Believes that the things he wants and needs are outside of his control; he is unable to direct his own life and destiny in some or all ways

In other words, someone who believes he is a victim of anyone / anything has placed himself into a subordinate role, mentally. He is someone low in power. And how easily swayed are people in the victim role? Have you ever tried? I have... countless times. It's a trap. You cannot change someone's mind when he sees himself a victim... he will not listen to you. He won't entertain your views. And, he is largely immune to your ability to impress emotions on him... particularly, good emotions. An individual in the subordinate role is too worried about himself to spend much time caring what you are doing, thinking, or feeling. As a subordinate, all he can think about is him.

What Being "Relatable" Really Is Intriguing to me has been the link between emotional contagion and deep diving / screening and qualifying women / inspiring women. You might even be able to say that a large part of what makes these so effective with women is that they allow a woman to feel more empowered and, thus, her circle of emotional awareness is able to expand, and allow her to more easily catch your emotions. It seems to work like this: •



A woman you haven't connected and/or with whom there is no powerful feeling of instant attraction with feels weird, awkward, or creeped out if you try moving things with her too fast or break out a strongly sexual vibe on her too early; the emotion she sees in you seems inappropriate to her, she feels cognitive dissonance, and she rebels against it Alternately, a woman you have deep dived and thoroughly screened feels as though she has impressed you with her qualifications (she's empowered); a woman you have inspired feels as though she could take on the world, with your support (she's empowered); and a woman who sees you and instantly feels attracted to you is relating you to a man she's had highly positive experiences with in the past, and feels confident she can have them with you (again, she's empowered)

In each of the three scenarios where a woman is deep dived and screened and qualified, or inspired, or feels instant attraction upon seeing and meeting you, SHE FEELS EMPOWERED. And, now empowered, she tunes into and mirrors back to you your emotions all the better. You might even say that this is the crux of what "being relatable" is really all about: it is, simply, making a woman feel empowered around you.

How to Use Emotional Contagion with Others In most articles, this is where I'd put a list of 7 or 10 steps for you to follow to start using the technique du jour right away. This time around, I've only got two for you: 1. Empower 2. Emote If you need it spelled out a bit more in-depth, here it is: 1. Empower. Before that other person you're talking to is going to be open to catching your emotions, she must first feel POWERFUL. If she feels weak, subordinate, or offbalance, she will not catch your emotions. This probably comes as a bit of a surprise if you're used to standard seduction logic; but I thought you were supposed to be the dominant alpha male? you might say. And while you do want women following your lead and viewing you as a powerful individual, you also want them feeling like they are free to do what they want around you - something a student usually would not feel around a teacher, or an employee a boss. You want women to feel like they can let their hair down and pursue you as aggressively as they like - and that's about feeling powerful, not weak. 2. Emote. The next step - once she's feeling powerful - is getting her to feel, period. The emotions you want a woman to feel in a seduction are typically sexual excitement and anticipation. The emotions you want others to feel in other social situations can be anything from enamored to amazed to comfortable to warm to relaxed. All you have to do to make people feel these things is wear those emotions on your own face and body while making eye contact with them once they feel connected to you and empowered around you. At that point, they begin to easily catch what you emote. The connecting / screening / qualifying / empowering you can do quite easily with these articles: • • •

The Art of the Deep Dive How to Build an Emotional Connection Get to Know a Girl: Connection-Building Tactics

• • •

What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her Student of the Game: How to Succeed with Women Is Qualifying Women Really That Important?

The emoting you can do with these: • • • • • • •

Sexual Tension: 7 Ways to Make Women Excited and Randy Constructing Your Sexy Vibe (and Making Girls Go Nuts) Sexy Body Language for Men (Learned from Hot Girls) Nonverbal Attraction and Getting Girls Without Words Emotional Cresting: What It Is and How to Use It 7 Facial Expressions That Drive Women Wild The 9 Secrets to Being a Sexual Man

There's lots of material on this site on these two topics.

So It's Really About Empowering Other People? Yes, it is. The secret to being good at using emotional contagion - at transfering your emotions to other people - comes down to being adept at making people feel like they matter. If you can communicate to other people that you believe they are important, and powerful, and can do anything they set out to do - and you can communicate this in as little as a look or a glance, sometimes - those people will be open to receiving emotions from you. Because they feel powerful. Because they feel secure. Because they are able to expand their emotional awareness outside of themselves and take on the emotions of others. When you empower first, and emote second, you can use this one-two punch to impress upon others the emotions which you have called up in yourself. And you can use this to scare up a bit more sexual tension and arousal with beautiful women; to convey a feeling of warmth with new

acquaintances; to strike just the right tone of responsibility and ascendancy with prospective employers and your new girlfriend's family alike. Emotional contagion is powerful mojo... and you can use it to make your interactions that much closer and more intimate. Always, Chase Amante

How to Build an Emotional Connection

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 7 June 2011

An emotional connection is one of those fleeting, powerful things that can seem all too rare and all too outside one's control. It can seem like it's just chance when you happen upon one -- as if but by the grace of God it came into being. But it doesn't have to be. Just like succeeding with women in general -- just like figuring out how to launch businesses and succeed financially -- just like anything in life -- the ability to build an emotional connection is something that can be learned. Most people don't like to hear that. Most people want to think that all in life is pure happenstance and nothing other than fate determines the outcome of their lives. But those of us actively in pursuit of bettering ourselves and of mastering the skills to control our own destinies know better -- that a lot less in life is chance than most folks think. A lot of it is skill. And learning to connect with people on an emotional level is one of the most powerful, practical, wide-reaching skills you can possibly learn. If you haven't given much thought to this one before, it's high time you started.

"The Other" In the mid-20th century, French psychoanalyst Jacques-Marie-Émile Lacan developed the concept of "the other," originally introduced by German philosopher Georg Hegel in the early 1800s and now a pillar of modern day psychological models. What the idea of "the other" holds is that every person sees everything else in the world -- including every other human being -- as being either the same as him or herself -- or other.

It's easy to gather how othering -- as the verb form is called in psychological parlance -- would serve to keep our ancestors living and thriving. Those who aren't with us may be against us and need to be watched carefully and be subject to suspicion, unless and until they can prove they're on the same wavelength as us. Even today, in our far safer world with a far lower mortality rate than at any other point in history, othering helps keep us safe; it protects us from people who might potentially be a threat to us and helps us stick to those who understand us best and ally with us and are most likely to help us succeed and go to bat for us in times of need. For the seducer though, and for anyone else who seeks to achieve mastery at building emotional connections with others, the question of the other presents a unique problem -- and an unparalleled opportunity. That's because most people are very good at positioning themselves as the other, and not so good at showing how they are the same. And emotional connection, at its very core, is all about helping others see you as the same as them: as someone who gets them, is bonded to them, and understands them to the quick of them. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first: you need to realize the things you're doing that position you as "other" in the mind of girls you like. And before you can do that, I want to call your attention to how you view some women as "other" right now. First, think of a certain kind of woman you dislike. Maybe it's those Barbie dolls who dress themselves up and think so highly of themselves -- all you want is to get a real girl. Maybe it's fat women if you're skinny, or skinny women if you're fat -- who wants a woman that disgusting (fat) or that much a bag of bones (skinny)? Or maybe it's the hardcore feminists and the women's libbers -- if anyone falls into the "other" category for most men, it's got to be them -- they hate men! And now that I've got you all riled up thinking of your most hated enemies in the opposite sex, stop and think. Are they really all bad, horrible, good-for-nothing people? Do they really have nothing to offer to humanity? Or are you just broad-handedly, ham-fistedly, categorically tossing them into a stereotyped category of "other" and deciding they're stone-hearted individuals who simply can't be related to as people? If you stop and you're really, truly honest with yourself, you'll realize they're people just like you are and just like the people you don't consider "other" are, and there really isn't anything wrong with them. They're just living a different life you don't fully relate to, and they have different reactions to you and feelings about you too.

Personally, girls who dress über flashy I used to not like all that much because they used to be colder toward me; and heftier girls I didn't like a whole lot because (aside from my own personal preferences for women with thin waists) they tended to snap at me even when I was just being friendly and social a lot of the time. So, for a while, those kinds of women got tossed into the "other" category for me. Who's in your other category? But tackling your own list of others isn't the object of this post. For doing some internal work in that regard, check out "Reference Points and Changing Worldviews." I just wanted to point out that "the other" is very real and a psychological mechanism we're all subject to. And that includes the women you meet. You see, most men, while trying to build an emotional connection with women, inadvertently tend to flip girls' "other" switches. They do some knuckleheaded things that get them booted out of contention for the same and quickly slotted into the other. And once you're an "other," good luck trying to get a girl to do... well... ANYTHING with you.

Where Most Guys Go Wrong in Emotional ConnectionBuilding So how do you avoid being an "other;" any idea? Let's define what most guys are doing wrong... the things that kill their chances at building a connection and being viewed as "the same." •

Throwing out contentious opinions. Men are a lot more susceptible to this than women are for some reason. Okay, not "some reason"... women are a lot more socially attuned than the average man and just don't do this. What's a contentious opinion? Let's say you're talking to a girl, and the two of you talk about exercise. "You know what I hate?" you say. "Yoga. What a silly waste of time that is." Then she tells you she runs a yoga studio. By way of another example, say she makes the off-hand remark that she absolutely loathes men who spend hours watching sports every week... but unbeknownst to her, you spend hours watching sports every week. The instant she states that opinion, you feel less

connected to her. That's the kind of thing you want to avoid doing to women -- but so many men do it, and keep doing it, more or less obliviously. •

Failing to build consensus. Women are very good at building consensus. Men often aren't. The men who fail to build consensus regularly tend to leave women feeling ignored or marginalized when they make unilateral decisions; women can end up feeling their needs haven't been attended to, and they lose a lot of connectedness to the man making the unilateral decision. This, you might say, is bad form. You can still be the leader and still direct things your way; in fact, women typically will be looking for you to make the decisions and lead the charge. But they still want to feel included. When men fail to include women in the decision making process and instead make those unilateral decisions, women end up feeling left out -- not just of the decision itself, but of the man's consideration altogether too.



Never going beyond the superficial. Deep diving is an effective tool for a reason: it gets women telling you about themselves, beyond the ordinary, and bonding to you on who they really are. You aren't "other" if you know them and get them to an intimate degree. Most men never do this though, and instead let their conversation remain in the realm of the common and the surface-level.



Forgetting to actively listen and provide good feedback. As discussed in the post on becoming an exceptional conversationalist, one of the things that makes a woman begin bonding to and relating to a man is his ability to show her that he's listening to, relating to, and understanding what she's saying. Most men don't do this, either because they aren't really listening, or because they're too caught up in trying to be impressive to really be there in the moment and feed back to a woman what she's saying. When a man fails to feed back a woman's conversation to her, she feels like her words are falling on deaf ears -- on ears that don't really care. Thus, the man she's talking to must not relate -- he must be "other."

These are the mistakes most guys end up making that poison their ability to really connect and bond with a woman. And if you want to do better than most guys, you're going to need to do a little better than this.

How to Build an Emotional Connection You want to get out of ending up considered "other" and into being thought of as "the same." How you do that is by building an emotional connection.

The man who knows how to build an emotional connection is the man who's able to control his own fate, so to speak, when it comes to connecting with others. He's no longer at the mercy of destiny, hoping for that spark to manifest; instead, he controls its manifestation. "Chemistry" is at his beck and call. To build an emotional connection though, you're going to need to do the opposite of what most men do -- the opposite of those places we just laid out above, where most men go wrong. You'll need to be focused on bonding instead of whatever it is regular guys are focused on (proving how amazing they are, I guess?). Some of this is going to be similar to what we talked about in "The Conversationalist;" if anything sounds familiar, just view it as a refresher. Some of it's going to be different. All of it's going to be focused, first and foremost, on building that emotional connection and avoiding the label of "other" that so many men put themselves into. Here are the tools you'll need to build an emotional connection: 1. Avoid arguments and contention, and hold your tongue on divisive opinions. At least until you're fairly certain she shares those divisive opinions of yours, anyway. You're very nationalistic, and she's from another country? Probably not a great idea to get into singing your home country's praises too loudly. Instead, talk about stuff you can both agree on -- interests, hobbies. Maybe both of you like art, or played sports in high school, or hate office desk jobs. Doesn't matter what it is -- so long as it's something you relate to each other on. 2. Build consensus. You don't have to hold a vote, exactly, but you should ask for buy in. Like so: "I'm thinking we should hit the pizza parlor. Do you like pizza?" That way she feels included in the decision. You get the added bonus of once she's bought in, she'll support the decision -- rather than attack it or resist it, as women may do with decisions they haven't bought into. Skip this one in obvious time-to-lead situations, such as when you're moving her somewhere quiet or secluded, or when you're taking her home. But when it's not as much of a do-or-die situation, yeah -- get buy-in. It helps. Quite a lot, sometimes. 3. Get to the nitty gritty ASAP. Quick, how connected do you feel to someone you've spoken with for ten minutes who still knows nothing about you other than where you went to college, where you're originally from, and what you do for work right now? Not a whole lot, right? By focusing on getting under a girl's hood fast -- by getting to her deeper self -- you allow her to connect to you deeply and rapidly and get out of the "other" zone. This is where deep diving comes in, and why going beyond the superficial is so crucial in everything other than fast pulls.

4. Listen actively and provide feedback. This can be as simple as repeating back to a girl what she's said to you but with different words. e.g., she tells you about how her father taught her to sail, and you respond with, "That's so very cool you had a dad who taught you to sail. How good did you end up getting?" By actively listening / providing feedback, you show that you listen, and you show that you get it. Most important about all of these is that they're signature markers of "sameness" and identify you as in-group, rather than out-group. They let you skirt the stigma of "other" that so many men seem so good at getting slapped onto their foreheads, and aid you in building a real, genuine emotional connection with women. Futher, once you're good at knowing how to build an emotional connection, you become that rare individual others can connect to well -- distinguishing yourself from everyone else. The ability to build an emotional connection allows you to build friends and allies with on a highly consistent basis. And, it makes you a heck of a closer -- you know that, given the opportunity to talk to a girl, the two of you are probably going to end up connecting very well. All you really need to start is a focus on connecting, instead of obliviously blundering into "other" territory like most guys do. Knowing is half the battle... and the techniques above are the other half. Hope you enjoy using them. Yours, Chase Amante

Emotional Build-Up: The Right Way to Use Emotions With Your Woman

by Chase Amante Thursday, 17 December 2009

Just watched the new Iron Man 2 trailer that came out today. See it here: Before you watch it though, think about this as you do: notice how it starts off, and then notice how it ends. Particularly, what you should be looking out for, is what is the energy level / emotional content like, and how does it rope you in? Once you've watched it (2.5 minutes, won't take too much time out of your day!), keep reading. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok, now you've seen it and you know what I'm talking about. Notice how it started out light, airy, funny. Then gradually, it built up more and more, until at the end it reached a fevered pitch of action, excitement, and emotions. Normal story arc, right? Here's why it's important: this is how people emote. It's designed for an average person in an average emotional level to come in and relate to it instantly. It starts off at around a normal emotional level, maybe a little bit higher, with humor to make the viewer comfortable. Now imagine a scenario in which the pace was reversed. Say you clicked on that link, and instantly you're bombarded with people talking dramatically and firefights raging and all that jazz. Unless you were already in a very pumped up mood, that would most likely be a little jarring, and might prevent you from becoming immersed in the trailer. You just can't relate to that emotional level that it's at, and it seems a little alien to you. And let's say instead of continuing at that emotional pace, the trailer moved backward and kicked things down to being light and funny and airy, and ended there. How strong would be your desire to remain involved (in this case, to go see the movie)? Nowhere near as strong as had you been reaching that intense, fevered ending as in the way the actual trailer is layed out. The way it really is, you want to keep watching -- you want to know how it ends.

There are two great lessons here very applicable to your interactions with women (ALL meaningful interactions you have, really). The first is to come in at an energy level close to where she's at, and often use humor to get her comfortable. Don't go overboard with strong emotions, or trying too hard to get her involved at the very beginning. Keep it light, and let her become involved at a normal pace. You can actually escalate compliance and get her involved faster if you don't overescalate emotions early on -- if she doesn't feel like things are too intense too early, you'll find she's actually MORE willing to comply. When you are laughing and she is laughing, compliance is, quite often, almost automatic. The exception to not starting off too intense, of course, is if you meet a woman who's already in a strong emotional state. In that case, you have to match her emotional intensity to not be a downer. You have to pace her reality. The second lesson is that the emotional level of the interaction must always be moving forward - always increasing, always upping the ante, always roping her in more and more. You use pushpull to make this not seem so intense -- increasing the emotion, increasing, and then a little defusing, and then back to increasing and increasing. Had the Iron Man trailer had that, it might have been even more effective and not felt a little emotion-heavy / over-the-top (as it seemed to me once it got toward the end). But ultimately, your interaction should have a constantly increasing emotional level, leading your woman to become more and more emotionally invested, and wanting to stick around to find out how it ends. Chase

Emotional Cresting: What It Is and How to Use It

by Chase Amante Friday, 1 February 2013

In "How to Pick Up Girls in Bars and Clubs," we had a look in passing at why dance clubs and dance floor game are so difficult to get real results with women in, aside from make outs and rapid escalations that usually don't ever lead to anything much more. There we called it "emotional spiking," but this spiking is actually the result of a far broader and more common phenomenon seen everywhere in life and love, dance clubs being only among the more extreme examples. The phenomenon is one I've dubbed emotional cresting, and it creates some interesting wrinkles in how your interactions with people - women and men alike - play out. Emotional cresting is about taking emotions to their extremes - those emotional spikes we mentioned before. It follows the process of emotional escalation that we mentioned as so crucial to the process of preparing a woman for intimacy in How to Make Girls Chase, except that it's an intrinsic part of everything. There's great power in emotional cresting, but there's also significant danger to your interactions in it as well - because the higher you crest, the bigger the crash is if you can't maintain that emotional momentum.

"Emotional cresting" is my term for the escalation of emotions toward emotional extremes. I chose "crest" because the term "crest" is used with waves - whether radio waves or oceanic waves, they all have crests. A crest is the peak of a wave - its apex; its top. And just like a wave, emotions tend to swell upward, resulting in a crest of those emotions. In dreams, emotions are represented by water, often by oceans; and I felt that here, the term "crest" was every bit as fitting. All emotions crest. The start out small, then rise, and rise, and rise, swelling up higher and higher and higher, until at last they reach their zenith. It's true with: • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Anger Excitement Happiness Joy Fear Ecstasy Agony Depression Heartache Lust Revulsion Disgust Desire

... and everything else. Generally speaking, there are two core aspects to emotional cresting: 1. How much buildup and anticipation there is behind the experiencing and release of an emotion, and 2. How sharp the spike is that causes the crest. As a rule of thumb, the more anticipation there is without emotion dissipating, the higher the crest is; and the more gradual the spike is without emotion dissipating, the higher the crest is. That is to say, if you're watching a scary movie and you've been expecting something scary to happen for two minutes now, sitting at the edge of your seat, growing more and more and more tense... and then it happens, you'll be a lot more freaked out than you will if you had zero expectation of anything bad to come and then something bad happened. It's why creating that mood of foreboding is so important to horror flicks. On the other hand, if you're expecting something bad to happen... and then nothing happens... and the mood stays foreboding, but it's dragging out too long and you're beginning to lose interest, when something finally happens the crest won't be as high as it could've been. That's buildup. We've discussed buildup before - in fact, it was among the early posts on this site, back when this was still a one-article-a-month website that only a few guys I knew off of forums visited - in this article: "Emotional Build-Up: The Right Way to Use Emotions With

Your Woman," but I'm going to go into it quite a bit deeper here than I did then. If you want another example of buildup though, check that out. As for spikes: imagine you walk into your house, having completely forgotten it was your birthday, and the lights flash on and all your close friends and family jump out of nowhere and exclaim "Surprise!" That's a quick spike, and its effects are short-lived; you'll be thrilled and excited for a moment, but then the adrenaline recedes and it's back to business as usual. On the other hand, think back to Christmas morning or your birthday or any other time as a child when you received lots of gifts (if you came from a family well-enough off to get you lots of gifts and your family came from a gift-giving tradition). Remember how it felt diving into that pile of presents, opening them one after another after another. That's a more gradual spike; it's not a "then-and-done" kind of spike - it keeps going, and building, as you unwrap one present after another, growing more and more excited and nervous about finding that one particular thing you really wanted. The intensity of that emotion is overall much stronger than the quick thrill of having everyone jump out and yell, "Surprise!," because it unfolds over a longer period of time.

How Does Emotional Cresting Work? Emotions are largely responses to uncertainty and the unknown. The more certain you are about something - the more reliable your mental model of it is - the less emotional you are about it. That's true with anything: • • • • •

First time skydiving? Prepare for some wild emotions. 100th time? Not so much. First time picking up a girl? Wild emotions. 100th time? Not so much. First girlfriend ever? Wild, crazy emotions. 15th girlfriend ever? Not so much. First trip overseas? Lots of emotions. 30th trip overseas? Not so much. First time getting caught by the police? Wild emotions. 20th time? Not so much.

... and on and on it goes. The less you know about something, the stronger your emotions are around it, and the more you know about it, the weaker. In fact, this is a big part of why how many partners someone has determines his or her future fidelity - the more experienced with sex, dating, and relationships, the less of a big deal these are, and the more likely someone is to view straying from a current partner as not that big a deal, either. This is also why you'll see us recommending building intrigue and being mysterious and using techniques like baiting in conversation and not putting everything out there on the table, spilling your beans all at once (like most guys do). The more intriguing and mysterious you are, the less "known" you are, and thus the stronger the intensity of the emotions you inspire tend to be.

Buildup and spiking affect emotional cresting in much the same way - anticipation leads you to wonder about what's coming, and spiking leads you to wonder how much more there is to come and when and how it's going to end. Thus, a girl you're talking to on the street who's gradually becoming more and more intrigued by you as you unfold your indirect game is more interested in finding out what it is, exactly, that you want with her and plan to do than a girl you're talking to on the street whom you've simply walked up to and told her you like her and want to take her on a date to a little dive bar near your house and ask her for her phone number (much more buildup and anticipation in the first example than the second). Likewise, a girl you're kissing and touching in your apartment whom you're gradually running your hands up and down the body of is going to get a lot more excited than a girl you're kissing and touching in your apartment whose pants you immediately grab to unzip within 30 seconds of landing her on your bed (assuming there is the first time you've started physically escalating with her, of course, and she isn't already dying to be intimate with you from earlier escalation before getting her into your place). This is emotional spiking - the gradual spike, so long as it isn't too gradual, trumps the sharp spike any day of the week. Now, you might be saying, this is all well and good to know, but how's emotional cresting of any use to me in my day-to-day life with women and beyond? That's a very good question, for a rather abstract subject. The next section of this article is devoted to answer exactly it.

We're big believers on this site in teaching abstract concepts with follow-on concrete examples. No different with this. So I want to arm you today with some tangible uses of emotional cresting in your seductions and interactions with women - but first, I want to talk about the flipside of emotional crests... a little thing called "troughs."

Crashes and Emotional Troughing Just as waves crest (hit their peaks) but also trough (crash down into valleys), so too do emotions have crests and troughs. And the bigger (or taller) the wave, the bigger (or deeper) the trough. In waves this is called amplitude; and the amplitude of emotional crests and troughs is every bit as important to the social arts as wavelength amplitude is to studying all things waverelated. What this means is that the more extreme an emotion becomes, the bigger the crash is when that emotion is interrupted or ends. It's why you feel kind of worn out and tired after watching a really scary movie, or sort of empty and quiet after a great gift-opening session's come to a close and there are no more gifts left to open and new toys to play with. This emotional troughing is one of the most dangerous things to an interaction you can have happen, and you need to guard against it vigilantly. One of the things I placed a great deal of emphasis on getting down when I was new to seduction, that nobody else ever seemed to talk about, was transitions. I first took note of how important this was when meeting girls while waiting for the Washington, D.C. metro, as I often did there; I'd meet them, we'd get into a good conversation, I'd like them, they'd like me, and then the train would come, things would get awkward, we'd both board, and then both head in separate directions on the train because no one knew the right thing to do. (for the record, I discuss the simple solution to this - keep the conversation rolling as you transition - here: "Meeting Women on Buses, Trains, and Airplanes") Transitions are the most common place to hit an emotional trough; emotions often crash during them. Why? Because transitions (things like moving a girl to sit down with you; going from light banter to serious conversation and deep diving; asking for a phone number; setting up a date; inviting her home; and getting girls in bed) have all the elements of crest-breaking rolled up into them in one: • • • •

They involve an interruption in the conversational flow They involve an interruption in the physical flow They involve a change in environment They involve a change in expectations

A single one of these elements can cause a trough by itself... all of them together always do. And before we go into how you can avoid losing an emotional crest while transitioning, let's talk first about each of the ways emotional troughs can occur in your conversations with women.

Emotional Troughs Explained If you spend much time reading men's dating advice, you'll come across the phrases "her state broke" or "I broke state." The "state" in question is emotional state; that is to say, things were going great one moment, but then the emotions changed and suddenly they were no long so fantastic. These state-breaks are emotional crashes, or emotional troughs. They're the result of an emotional cresting being interrupted and crashing back down to Earth, resulting in the negative side of the emotional crest's amplitude. However tall the wave of emotions was before, it's suddenly become every bit as deep, now.

Interruptions of Conversation When conversation is interrupted, this causes a trough. The emotional cresting is broken, and emotions are brought back down in the opposite direction. Have you felt this before? Absolutely. Imagine one of those great conversations you were having with some new girl you'd met... it was going awesome. You and her were vibing so well it was like you were old friends who'd known each other a lifetime. Then, suddenly, inexplicably, out of nowhere... you hit a wall where just nobody knew what to say next. It was awkward... you searched for something to say, she searched for something to say, but nobody came up with anything. And just like that, the spell was broken. Things got weird, and she excused herself from the conversation, to get back to what she had scheduled for the day, or to return to her friends or go to the bathroom at night. That was a trough. Emotions had crested higher and higher and higher as the conversation progressed, but then they hit a trough, and suddenly the whole thing felt strange and bizarre and unnatural - the complete reverse of what it'd felt like during the crest. During the crest it felt exciting and comfortable and like the most natural thing in the world - and suddenly, it became the total opposite. When this happens, it's a big let down for everyone, and the girl gets out of there to get away from the bad and awkward feelings.

Interruptions in Physical Flow An interruption in the physical flow is anything that disrupts what you and the girl you're talking to were physically doing.

That may include: • •

• • •

The two of you were walking on the street, then arrived at where she was headed and she needed to leave and go to work / meet her friend / off to lunch The two of you were sitting and talking on bar stools at the bar early in the night, then the staff came by to take the bar stools to make room for more bargoers and you had to both stand up The two of you were dancing, then stopped dancing to move off the dance floor and find elsewhere to talk The two of you were waiting for a bus, or train, or airplane, sitting / standing and talking, and then the conveyance you were waiting for arrived and you had to board The two of you were sitting or standing and talking somewhere, and suddenly one or more other people entered your conversation - friends of hers, friends of yours, or other people wanting to compete with her for you or challenge you

All of these are "physical flow" interruptions that interrupt what you're doing one moment, and get you suddenly doing something different the next (unexpectedly). They're jarring because if neither of you was expecting this change and neither knows how to respond to it, it leaves both of you in an awkward position, wondering how this affects the interaction, whether the two of you know each other well enough to continue or should say goodbye, or what should happen. As a result, unless a girl really likes you a lot - and even then sometimes, if she's especially shy she'll simply excuse herself, bid you farewell (or perhaps not saying anything at all), and leave.

Changes in Environment If you've ever stepped out of a pulsing, pounding nightclub into the (comparatively) quiet streets outside, and felt the gust of cool nighttime air hit your flesh, covered in sweat from the hot club interior, you've experienced the sudden shift that occurs with a change in environment, and consequent emotional trough. Not all environment changes are this extreme; however, imagine the "feel" of these troughs when you change environments with a girl you've just met: • • • • • • •

Moving from walking in the street to entering a shop or café Changing from talking in a diner or cafeteria to walking outside Leaving the office or classroom you met in to go step outside Leaving the bar or nightclub you met in to go step outside Boarding the bus, train, or plane you were waiting for from the waiting area Going from driving in your car to walking into your apartment Taking a girl from sitting in your living room into your bedroom

All these changes in environment and many other ones like them tend to cause emotional troughs that lead to a crashing of emotions. However strong the emotional cresting was prior to the change, it troughs equally hard in the opposite direction during and after the transition.

Changes in Expectations This is the one that always gets the nice guys. When your expectations are that someone is going to do a certain thing and behave a certain way, and then that person does something contrary to what you expected him to do or how you expected him to act, emotions trough. It's what happens when you: •





Act like you want to be just friends with a girl, then try to escalate or tell her you like her and she reacts with disgust or revulsion (she expected you to be happy remaining in the friend zone) Act sensual and sexy with a woman, then fail to move fast and let escalation windows close and attraction expire (she expected you to move fast, escalate, and take her as your lover, and you failed to deliver) Not make a move or ask for much investment throughout the course of an interaction with a girl, then suddenly surprise her by asking her out, asking her for her phone number, or inviting her home (she expected a calm conversation where she wouldn't be asked for anything or need to make any judgments or decisions, and suddenly a relatively big thing is being asked of her to decide on)

Expectations were one way, and emotions built around them remaining that way, but suddenly something else happened, and the let down was big. It's like watching a horror movie and feeling the anticipation build and build, only to find out the characters were never in any real danger and it was all a big joke, or tearing into your Christmas presents only to find out they're all filled with clothes instead of toys. Who wants that?

How to Use Emotional Cresting The pitfalls of emotional troughs in mind then, our rules for using emotional cresting with the women we meet are threefold: 1. Use more buildup and anticipation to heighten involvement, suspense, and impact of a girl's emotions throughout an interaction

2. Use drawn-out spikes that extend emotional gratification over a prolonged period of time - don't make satisfaction happen too fast 3. Avoid cresting a girl's emotions too early or in the wrong direction, priming her for a trough before you're ready to cushion that trough properly These are actually fairly easy to explain doing, now that we have the foundations established for how they each play out. So let's have a look at applying each angle to the women you meet.

Using Buildup and Anticipation As we've discussed on here time and again, you want to draw out the getting-to-know you process on your end. Spilling your beans, so to speak, and telling girls everything about you as soon as they meet you is death for seductions; you must ration out information about yourself, a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time, and leave her always wondering what else there is to find out about you. In this way you build anticipation for getting to know you more. If she keeps unpeeling those layers we talked about in "How to Be Vulnerable, Enchanting, and Alluring to Women," only to find ever more layers underneath, her anticipation is only going to build... assuming you don't draw things out too long, of course, and assuming each layer she peels back leads her to something else even more interesting. The other way you build anticipation is by hinting at your intentions, without ever fully revealing them. This is the foundation of indirect game, and it underlies sexual tension-building at the core. Your thoughts around building anticipation thus are: •



"I'll let her get to know me, a little bit at a time, and frustrate her efforts to get me to spill my beans by deftly turning the conversation back to her and getting her to talk about herself, which she enjoys doing anyway." "I'll hint at my interest in her and my intentions with her, ramping this up gradually as our interaction progresses, but I'll never come out and flat tell her exactly what I want to do with her." (the one exception is the sexual complimenting discussed in the article on how to compliment a girl, but of course that builds anticipation by telling someone you want to do something without saying when or how or asking her to decide)

Drawing Out Spikes to Extend Gratification The first emotional "spike" that no doubt pops into your head when thinking about this is physical intimacy - sex. And yes, that is a big one. There's nothing quite like unsatisfying 2minute sex putting the cap on a 5-hour seduction to lead to a big, uncomfortable trough in the most disappointing of ways. But in fact, there are a variety of emotional spikes scattered throughout your interactions with any particular girl that you can more effectively draw out. These include: • • • • • • • •

The opener when you first meet her Early conversation and getting-to-know-you type talk Revealing any specific piece of information you're asked about How you ask her out and get her phone number Setting up the date properly Inviting her home Escalating to sex Having sex

Let's look at just a few ways you can draw each of these points out. 1. Opener. A lot of guys plunge right into their openers, suddenly and without warning. But you can draw this out... pre-opening and slow opening are just two of the techniques used to do this; speaking slowly and easing your way into the opener and exchange of names is a part of this too. Don't just belt out an opener to get it over with - start conversations naturally and comfortably with women, and the emotional impact is stronger and better. 2. Early Conversation. Rather than dump all your cards on the table, hold yourself back and build some intrigue instead. Use techniques like baiting and just give out a little (but still make it interesting) when asked, and only go into it if the conversation is of interest to her and she pursues a topic further. 3. Revealing Information. When you're asked for specific information, don't just divulge it then and there and that's it. Instead, weave a story around it... ask a question back first before answering it... take the opportunity to make it an experience, and not just an answer. 4. Asking Her Out / Getting Her Number. "We should hang out sometime," and, "Let me get your number," are okay, but you can usually do better. Even if you only take 50% longer to say these, drawing them out a bit more increases the heft of them. Opt for, "Tell you what, let's grab some food later this week or sometime next," instead of, "Let's hang out sometime;" and go with, "Okay, cool. Here, let me get your cell," instead of, "Let me get your number." It doesn't seem like a big difference on paper, but the difference in person (when most guys are nervous and try to belt out an answer as quickly as possible, and instead you're talking relaxedly and a bit longer) is actually rather noticeable. 5. Setting Up the Date. As you well know if you've read the articles on how to text girls, you want to use texting primarily for handling logistics, and you'll want to set up your date soon after meeting a girl, if not the same or the next day. However, once you've sent

that initial text and got back some times on her schedule to meet, you'll also draw this out over a couple of texts for ironing out the details, rather than do it in one fell swoop. You theoretically could send something like, "Hey Vicky, shall we get that meal we discussed? There's a fantastic little place called Eve not far from here... could do Thursday or anytime Sunday through Tuesday just fine. Let me know a day and about what time works for you - let's set it up." And that would be okay, but... it's a bit rushed, even still. Better to split this up over multiple texts - the spike feels better that way. 6. Inviting Her Home. Similar to asking her out and getting her number. You could simply say, "Let's get out of here," and lead, but it's very cut and dry and not all that intriguing. If you prompt her to join you for a movie or a nightcap though, it's more intriguing - and she's also likely to ask you some questions you'll need to address. This draws out the spike, and lets you handle objections as well. 7. Escalating to Sex. The first time you touch her shouldn't be to tear her pants off, unless you've done an amazing job with sexual tension up to that point. Get her warmer first. 8. Having Sex. Here, you should be focused on being a good lover, first and foremost. Focus on giving her a very satisfying sexual experience, and everything else falls into place - this naturally takes a little time to do, and the spike is drawn out to do it. As you see, most of these aren't being drawn out for immense amounts of time. It's not like you're turning seconds into hours here. Instead, it's more about micro-calibration. How do you take a 2-second quick experience and turn it into a 10-second rich and rewarding experience? Don't overdo it - overly drawn out spikes are as lame as too-short ones - but do seek to find ways to turn every emotional high point into something that delivers on its buildup.

Avoiding Early or Incorrect Cresting Back to those dance clubs and that dance floor game we mentioned at the outset of this article. Why do you avoid those? Because emotional cresting is happening too early here, and in too wrong a direction. Think about it. In a dance club, a girl's emotions are peaked already... which means that they're going to quickly trough and crash if you can't maintain that peak through escalation. But you can't maintain it if you take her out of that environment - the more crested her emotions are, the more fragile they become, and the moment she's out of the club they're crashing. Not only that, but in a dance club, a girl's emotions are peaked for fun... not for sexual intimacy. Those are two totally different emotions. Yes, sex is fun... but it's "sexy" fun, not "wild party girl swinging my hair around while guys hit on me" fun. She's peaking with the wrong emotion for what you're looking for - and people don't like doing things that are outside their current emotional states.

To avoid early cresting: • • •

Don't ramp girls' emotions up too quickly Provide frequent "release points" for cresting emotions (e.g., chase framing and other forms of playfulness and humor to release conversational cresting during deep diving) Move fast, hit escalation windows, and get girls moving to the next step of the interaction once they've begun cresting higher but before they've reached an absolute peak for the given situation (e.g., if she's getting more and more excited as you talk to her on the street, move her to sitting down with you somewhere before she troughs and walks off)

And to avoid incorrect cresting: • •

Try not to meet women in grossly incompatible environments (e.g. out on the dance floor instead of around the bar; right in front of all of her friends instead of off to the side; etc.) Don't cause women to crest in wrong directions (e.g., debating something political or religious with her and making her angry; talking about something depressing with her and making her sad; getting her really excited and making her jubilant; etc.)

Stay away from those two (early cresting and incorrect cresting) and you'll largely be in the clear.

Staying Out of Troughs Well, okay - you've got emotional cresting down now. So what do you do to skip landing in one of those troughs I told you about earlier? They were: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Interruptions of conversation Interruptions of physical flow Changes in environment Changes in expectations

As it turns out, these are the easiest parts of the emotional amplitude to handle - all it takes is following the guidelines for proper emotional cresting, plus a few smooth moves, and you'll be in the clear for all four types of troughs. Have a look: 1. Interruptions of Conversation. You can't prevent these from happening entirely - even when you're amazing at conversation, they'll still sometimes happen. What you can do, however, is provide frequent release points throughout the conversation to avoid the crest getting too high. That way, when troughs happen, their impact is not that great - and by

providing periodic releases through chase framing and breaking conversation yourself, you condition the girl to expect these, and they come as no surprise. 2. Interruptions of Physical Flow. Just like interruptions of conversation, you need to make sure your girl is prepared for these to happen - by routinely providing releases and outlets for emotions and breaking the crest yourself. That way, when it's time to move her and change the physical flow, it's fine; and if other people interject, it's also fine. When changing physical flow yourself, keep conversation going, to minimize the impact to emotions, and look to change physical flow mid-conversation; that is, start her moving as you're talking or beginning to talk about something interesting. The "cliffhanger" keeps her wanting to complete the transition to find out more (or tell you more, if she's talking). 3. Changes in Environment. These are going to happen as your interaction progresses, and again, all you can do is ready yourself and the girl for them by refusing to let emotions crest too high until you're past the point where environments will change (i.e., you're home alone with her). That means no kissing girls at bars, clubs, or on dates... at least, not if you want to sleep with them later, that is. 4. Changes in Expectations. This is the only one that you can completely avoid, and you will completely avoid if you're doing things right. You'll know you aren't if girls are telling you "let's just be friends" or "I didn't know you felt that way" or they're getting upset and going into auto-rejection. Seek to set the right expectations from the beginning by exuding a sexy vibe and make it clear to women through your actions and attitude exactly what kind of man you are (the kind of man who will later take them as his lover, that is). For the experienced seducer, who's intuitively good at avoiding emotional cresting in the extremes before he has a girl alone with him and all but ready for physical intimacy, and who knows how to handle transition points and emotional rough patches, the deadliest time for an interaction is at its beginning. That's the point where outside influences can come in and have the biggest impact, because the girl isn't sufficiently intrigued or invested in him yet, and she hasn't gotten accustomed to cresting and troughing with him yet.

Some Parting Thoughts on Emotional Cresting This is somewhat abstract, and admittedly rather more advanced stuff. If you're still getting your bearings on seduction, it's probably not worth worrying yourself over too much. If, however, you're intermediate or higher, and you're starting to wonder how you're ever going to handle those maddening problems you're having with losing girls during transition points or other places that things intervene or emotions simply seem to crash, then this is the material you need to get working on patching that up. Emotions are a lot like a snowball rolling downhill... a little hard to get started, but once the snowball's rolling and it's picking up snow as it goes, it's going to keep going faster and faster and getting bigger and bigger until it either hits something that shatters it (a hard crash), or it comes to the bottom of the hill and rolls to a stop (a gentle trough that you've managed out).

Be smart with how you use emotions. Don't ramp them up haphazardly like some kind of crazed mad scientist playing with his new powers of intrigue and seductiveness... this is what most beginners do once they start learning how to get girls, and it's why most beginners have so many promising-looking interactions with women blow up in their faces and end in spectacularly bad fashion. Emotions are dynamite... a powerful tool when wielded carefully and intelligently, and a force of great explosive destructiveness when wielded with butterfingers. Mind your crests, and avoid any hard troughs, though, and you'll be just fine with them. And remember: 1. Use more buildup and anticipation to heighten involvement, suspense, and impact of a girl's emotions throughout an interaction 2. Use drawn-out spikes that extend emotional gratification over a prolonged period of time - don't make satisfaction happen too fast 3. Avoid cresting a girl's emotions too early or in the wrong direction, priming her for a trough before you're ready to cushion that trough properly Ciao for now, Chase

Tactics Tuesdays: Pick Up and Emotional Validation

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 13 March 2012

A reader writes in, on the topic of emotional validation:

“Hey there, been reading the site lately and I've noticed that one thing I haven't seen so far is a post about validation. Maybe you call it something different but I was talking to a female friend of mine and she brought something up that seemed similar to it. I was telling her about how I and my pops were watching a Laker game and my mom kept bringing up how "she needs to get her work done." It was starting to irritate me because she would say it and then leave it up in the air. After a while I barked back "well go do it then." I knew instinctively that wasn't the best thing to say but I really wanted her to quit with the empty statements lol! So, after the game ended I talked to her about it and she was telling me how I could have said "I know you gotta get your work done but how about you relax with us and watch the game and then go start on the work afterwards?" Now as soon as I heard her say that I immediately thought validation. I'm validating that thought or feeling by giving that response. While my response of "go do it" sounds like I'm rejecting her. So I was wondering if you all could drop a post on validation. Once I realized this whole idea of validating a woman it gave me that "aha" moment, really started to put a lot of my failed interactions into a new light, you know? It also helped me to understand the whole chase framing, push-pull, etc. concepts because by validating her all of that stuff is much easier to pull off. Because she knows that you’re setting a frame but your pulling her along with you. Instead of making it seem like its her frame against yours like many other PUA’s seem to advocate.” Our reader raises a good point here. Validation is something I tend not to focus on much personally - it's something that fast becomes irrelevant when you're following the rule of thumb of always escalate and keep moving fast. But

it's a real phenomenon, and it will affect your interactions with women - though, if you're doing things right, it should prove more a curiosity than a major distraction. Here's what I mean.

In Search of Emotional Validation One of the newer things I'm working with in the field of social dynamics right now is a perspective revolving around dependent and independent social positions. This isn't a knock on anyone, nor is it calling anyone weak; these social positions are changeable and depend a great deal on both circumstantial and interpersonal scenarios - e.g., a body-builder may be in an independent social position in the gym, where people are coming to him for advice or admiring him, and he needs no one, but a dependent social position at, say, a ski lodge, if he's never skied before and has no idea what he's doing. I'll talk more about social positions another time, but it will help you to think of emotional validation as something that's a dependency - that is, it's something that someone else is depending on you (or someone, or something) to give to her - or, alternatively, it can be something that you're depending on someone (or something) to give to you. Let's say you just had a really tough day at work. You lost a major client that the firm really needed; you totally botched it. You feel awful. Now imagine your boss walks over, clasps his hand on your shoulder, and says, "Hey. You did as good as anybody could've done. You're still my ace in the hole here." How do you feel? That's emotional validation in action. You were feeling down in the dumps... and your boss came over and validated you right back up again. People need emotional validation for all kinds of reasons - here are a few of them: • • • • • • •

They've suffered a string of defeats They've watched others doing well but they haven't been They've seen others getting validated but they haven't been They see people around them having fun but they're left out They feel lonely They're in dependent social positions and need attention from caregivers They need someone to "recharge" their emotions

Everybody wants or needs emotional validation at some point or another. How they go about getting it is different.

Men get emotional validation through conquest, while women get emotional validation through bonding. I've seen men who really liked bonding, and women who thrilled at conquest, but even with these individuals, the bonding men still liked bonding in a way that established them as dominant, and the conquering women still liked to bond with others over their conquests. Until I see otherwise, I'm considering this principle anecdotally universal. Here's some anecdotal evidence: if you're a guy, and you're feeling worn down and beat up, what do you do? Do you: A) Talk about your emotions with a friend, or B) Go beat a video game, watch an action movie, or pick up a girl? Yep - for men, the conquest rejuvenates us. For women though, it's the opposite. They need bonding time. Here's the thing: women will at times sleep with a guy in pursuit of validation, but it's not for a conquest - it's for the bonding that comes with it. Do I have your attention?

Becoming a Channel for Validation

A few years ago, I'd largely thrown out the idea of "validation" as useless to seduction. Women either liked you or they didn't, and if you quickly weeded out the women who didn't like you and escalated with the women who did, any concept of emotional validation whether it was a real phenomenon or not was a moot point. But now that I've started thinking of things in terms of social positions, validation's become something worth considering again. The thing with validation is, it's finicky. A woman might want your validation... but the instant she starts feeling like she can't get it and you're going to make her feel worse for being around you, she's gone. That's the part the old school pick up artists who originated the idea never talked about. Yes, get women chasing validation from you... but you have to walk the fine line between not giving them so much that they're then satisfied and you're no longer interesting, and not giving them so little that they feel spurned and go storming off to seek validation elsewhere thinking, "I'll show HIM!" The way to use emotional validation is, rather, to become a channel for it. This is the part that's tough to explain. Think of it like this: there are three things you can be when it comes to validation 1. Someone who needs it 2. Someone who gives it 3. Someone who isn't even in the picture Imagine yourself in a nightclub, by yourself, feeling a little insecure because you aren't use to going out alone. You're someone who needs validation. A really cool guy who'd make you look good and include you in his group could probably give you validation. So could a cute girl who likes you. But some nerdy loser guy who also looks like he's by himself is irrelevant when it comes to your own personal levels of validation - he's not in the picture. You want to be #2 when it comes to any and every social situation you find yourself in. You always want to be the guy others seek validation from. So how do you get there? A lot of it is your baseline, fundamental value. Things like: • • • • •

Being a dominant man Knowing how to attract women - and doing that Always having an air of sprezzatura about you Letting others come to you as much as possible Not trying to force things unnecessarily



Being a good conversationalist capable of keeping things going easily

Get those things handled and you're 75% of the way there. What's the other 25%? It's learning the line and walking it. That's going to come from experience. But here are a few quick tips to help: 1. Go for humbleness. The reason why humbleness is so attractive is that it demonstrates a freedom from a need for the emotional validation of others. The man who is proud needs others' praise to uphold his vanity; the man who is humble does not, and thus is more independent, powerful, and free. Showing others that you appreciate but don't need their praise through humility communicates to them that you are someone who gives validation - not someone who seeks it. 2. Offer some validation, but not excessively so. I'm skeptical by nature and not easily impressed, and have had to learn to praise people with time, as it isn't something I'm naturally inclined to do. So, I praise now, and my praise is genuine, but not effusive. I might say, "You did a great job - keep it up," or, "Hey, you look fantastic," but my tone of voice is largely unchanged and it takes some of the excitement out of it. This has had a rather natural effect of, incidentally, causing people to highly value my validation because it seems (and is) sincere. Employ this strategy when giving validation: say the words you'd say as if you were impressed, but keep a normal or even skeptical tone in your voice to maintain balance. 3. Place commands before validation. Say a girl seems to really want to tell you things about herself - she wants to impress you and make you like her. That's great - now tell her to sit down next to you. When a woman is seeking validation from you is the perfect time to give her a command and get her investing in you - this moves things forward, and manages to communicate interest in her and give her even better validation than she was looking for at the same time - you're telling her you really want to bond. If a woman tries bonding with you but you don't try conquering her, one way or another, the validation feels a lot less satisfying to her. Give her what she wants from you instead. 4. Don't let her go on for too long without moving things forward a lot. Believe it or not, you aren't her girlfriend - and you're under no obligation to act as such. Women know what they get with men - if she wants to bond with a girlfriend, she'll talk to one of her girlfriends. When she wants to bond with a man, she comes to a guy - a guy like you. She'll tell you otherwise - I've had girls I've slept with who told me, "I really just wanted someone to talk to!" - but what she's actually saying is, "I really wanted to feel wanted and needed by a man who made me feel special and gave me an experience to remember." Move her towards intimacy - or swap numbers and arrange a date.

Being viewing yourself as a channel through which women (and people) can get validation, and build yourself up that way. As you do, you'll increasingly find that you have an easier time finding the kind of people you want and welcoming them into your life - because they are coming to you for their emotional needs. Of course, you need to genuinely be able to connect with people - but if you've been immersed with the material on offer at this site, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for you.

How to Attract Women: The Guide

by Chase Amante Thursday, 3 November 2011

Once upon a time, I sat in a college dorm room wondering how to attract women. I mean, in high school I'd had them chasing after me, at least some of the time, but then I went to university and that all disappeared. Coupled with my lack of social skills, I soon found myself both alone, and un-pursued. So, I tried anything I could think of. I got into music and performed on-stage. I made myself stand out however I could in my classes. I started peacocking with flashy clothes and accessories. I even tried buying pheromones from the Internet -- the jury's still out if that did me any good. But despite those efforts, I still didn't have any women in my life. Some of it got me noticed -- a lot of pretty girls were paying a lot of attention to me. But was I attracting them? Here's how Dictionary.com defines the word: “Attract: to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite: to attract attention; to attract admirers by one's charm.” Well, they may have been interested, but they certainly weren't around me too much. So, at best, maybe I was part of the way there. Most men, I discovered, find themselves in the same boat. They try a bunch of things, not sure what, exactly, it is that'll work best at getting women attracted... only to keep realizing that the things they're trying aren't working as well as they'd hoped. Anywhere near as well as they'd hoped. Some guys even all but lose hope entirely. How I learned to be a man who knew how to attract women and inspire them to chase him and pursue him and desire him is the story I want to share with you here.

Furthermore, I want you to avoid the scenario I was in, of having to figure this mostly out from scratch -- so I'm going to give you 7 tips you can start using right now, today, to get yourself becoming more attractive to women. Without further ado: How to Attract Women: The Guide.

The Truth About Attraction I've been teaching men to do well with women for a long time... since early 2006, in fact. I've taught men in-person, over the phone, and via Internet. And one of thing I've noticed, again and again, is that guys primarily struggle in 3 distinct areas. If a man can handle all 3 of these areas, he's on easy street with women -- they are: • Attracting women • Interesting women • Closing women If a guy learns how to attract women, interest them, and close them, he's got it down and he can coast (at least with women) for the rest of his days and not have to worry about the girl problem ever again. Thing is, each of these three areas are categorically different. Yet, most of the information that's out there treats them like they're the same. I recently had a reader write to me who follows one of the other schools of thought on pick up and seduction that came into being some time before my tenure in the pick up community. He noted that what I discuss is very different from what he's seen discussed by other men's dating advice professionals, and that he was under the impression that I was advocating men ignore attraction and get straight to conversation with women without doing anything to attract them. Herein lies one of the fundamental differences between how I view attraction and how other schools of thought do (and you might be excused for thinking I don't think attraction is important): In other schools of thought, attraction is something you create through your actions. But from everything I've seen, attraction is something that stems from who you are.

The reason I stress the fundamentals so heavily in my seduction ebook -- heavily enough to devote an entire chapter to them -- is that building up your fundamentals is the most important thing you can do to attract women. It's absolutely, positively crucial. To demonstrate, let me ask you this: are you more attracted to a woman who 1. Looks beautiful and elegant, is well-attired, carries herself well, and speaks and smiles gracefully and with sociability and charm, and never mentions being an object of desire or pursuit by other men (though you're certain she must be), instead making you feel warm and comfortable, or 2. An average-looking woman with everyday clothes hanging off her body who speaks with an average voice, slumps her posture a bit, and acts a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but who tells you stories and uses lines and routines that imply she's highly desired and sought-after by men, and then gives you a hard time and acts hard-to-get? That one's pretty easy to figure out, right? Okay, good. Clearly, the first girl is far more attractive than the second. In fact, the second's likely to be somewhat annoying and off-putting to a great many men. The difference, of course, is that the first girl's handled her fundamentals and she just IS attractive, and the second girl hasn't bothered to and she's trying to talk her way into attraction. Of course, it doesn't work, and she might as well be speaking Farsi. You do a quick read of her fundamentals, and she's instantly disqualified. Well, believe it or not, women are every bit as unlikely to let words influence their level of attraction for a man. He can talk until he's blue in the face, but if he comes across in unattractive ways, the best stories in the world won't win a girl over for him. I've watched attractive men do nothing and go home with the girl. And I've watched unattractive men tell women stories about the hot women they've dated, the exotic places they've traveled, the expensive paintings they've bought, and had the woman walk away from them bored and uninterested. Attraction is not about what you say. It's about who you are and how you come across. So how on Earth did so many men get it in their heads that attraction was all about their words?

The Quick Fix That Isn't I've found myself working with more and more guys recently who are coming from a background of having practiced pick up as taught by some of the older schools of seduction out

there, and I'm finding them some of the most difficult to train. This is primarily because they come in with a deeply entrenched belief that they need to convince girls they're attractive. So, they end up adopting all kinds of lines, routines, and stories that they use while talking to girls that they intend to help them show those girls how attractive they are so that women will choose them. If you've been following my material for a while and you're familiar with the pieces on sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort, you already know where this is going. What ends up happening is that these guys work, and work, and WORK, to try and attract women. Which, of course, violates one of the principle underlying tenets of attraction: Women are most attracted to the most effortless, effective men. The man who beckons a woman to cross a room and come to him isn't just twice as sexy and powerful than the man who gets up and walks over to her himself... he's ten times as sexy and powerful. Maybe more than that. The processes that run through a girl's head in each scenario are completely different: He walks to her: "All right, I've got this guy. He thinks I'm great. Let's see if he's good enough for me. He probably won't be and I'll have to dismiss him, but maybe he'll surprise me... you never know. Here he comes. All right buddy, let's see what you've got." She walks to him: "Wow, I'm walking across the room for this guy... I must really like him. I hope he treats me well when I get over there. I hope we hit it off. It'd be embarrassing if I got over there and it looked bad. I'm going to have to make sure this goes well. I'd better look as good and sexy as I can when I get over there... okay, good posture! Back straight, boobs out. That's it... whew, here we go..." That's just one example. Compound that with a bunch of different things throughout your interaction: • • • • • •

You get her leaning in You deep dive and get her telling you about herself You get her qualifying herself as you get to know more about her You get her following your lead and coming with you You intrigue her and make her want to get to know you You get compliance throughout your interaction

• •

You move her You take her home

and suddenly you are this alluring man she is constantly putting work in to get. Meantime, you're mostly lounging back, listening to her talk, doing some active listening so that she knows you get her, and basically following the Law of Least Effort and being cool and relaxing somewhat as you help her to invest in the interaction and to feel increasingly attracted to you. Is that stuff hard to learn? Yeah, maybe, kinda sorta... not that hard, though. It's just a little bit at a time, and it's mostly behavioral. You don't even have to memorize any stories that aren't yours. I think the reason why verbal attraction became so popular in the early days of pick up was because it felt like a quick fix: just say this and women will fall all over you! It also appeals to the popular myth of the pick up line: use the right line, and women will go home with you almost on the spot. You've just got to figure out what that right line is. One my buddies used to use in college: Guy: Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Girl: Uhhh... no. Guy: Enough to break the ice. I'm Steve. Ah, pick up lines. Anyway, early pick up evolved from the pick up line, as far as I can tell, and retained the same spirit of, "If you say the right thing, women will want you." It feels encouraging, exciting... easy. Except it doesn't produce results. It might get you some reactions... but we've discussed reactions versus results on here before. I find the dieting industry a similar case study to this. Confession: I had about 25 pounds of excess fat on me from college until mid-2008. I'd been skinny most of my life, so hadn't realized the slow accumulation of a big belly and a round face until my girlfriend and one of my pals started pointing it out to me. Once I realized it was a problem, I started counting calories, reduced my caloric intake (I was hungry sometimes for about 2 weeks, until my stomach acclimated), and I lost a pound a week until I'd shaved off most of my fat. I've kept it off since then by sticking to a slightly smaller diet, still with all the same foods I always loved.

So, that was really easy, but it just took a little time and a little discipline. I look at all these overweight people on fad diets now, and I ask myself, "Why on Earth are they doing this stuff?" And, I realize, it's because they want a quick fix. They want someone to come along and tell them, "Hey, this is easy! Just do this, and you'll be thin again, and it won't be hard!" But, three years later, they're still fat. Whereas all they had to do was start doing something that worked, that was a little bit hard at the beginning, and then after a few weeks they'd see gains; after 6 months they'd be in pretty darn good shape; and after a year or 2 or 3, depending on how bad off they were before, they'd be amazing. Nobody wants to work on themselves though. They want a quick fix. And quick fixes never are.

Why Can't You Talk Your Way Into Attraction? I like research. Usually I find it validates things I already believed to be true. I don't know if that means I'm smart, or I'm lucky, or maybe I've just read enough research already that the next conclusions are pretty natural to draw, but it is what it is.

In any event, we've discussed nonverbal attraction on here before, but just in case you had any reservations, feel free to check out the research: 1. The Nonverbal Basis of Attraction: Flirtation, Courtship, and Seduction: David Givens identifies conspicuous nonverbal cues used widely by men and women in flirtation, courtship, and seduction; particularly, a submissive look that increases sexual attraction in both genders. [something I call the "male model look" and I've been meaning to get a post up on] 2. The Effects of Nonverbal Cues on Gender Differences in Perceptions of Sexual Intent: Antonia Abbey and Christian Melby find that women tend to rate men's nonverbal sexual communications as more ambiguous. [in other words, unless a man's clear about his intentions, women tend to slot him into the friend zone] 3. Nonverbal Skill, Personal Charisma, and Initial Attraction: Howard Friedman et al. find that emotional expression and extroversion boost attraction along with physical attractiveness, and operate independent of it. [attraction from extroversion and emotional expressiveness is unrelated to attraction from looks] Then there's Albert Mehrabian, and his 7%-38%-55% rule: • • •

55% of communication is nonverbal 38% of communication is voice tone 7% of communication is the words you say

What everybody keeps seeming to find, again and again, is that the vast majority of human communication occurs without consideration to the words used or not used, and that attraction functions as a response to nonverbals as much or more so than other forms of human communication. This is why, on this site, in my ebook, in Sensei, in Spellbinding, in everything I put out and talk through and teach via, you won't hear me talking about how to increase attraction through lines or routines or stories so much. I might say, "Talking about things this way will increase attraction," but again, that's presentation, not content. It isn't what you're saying; it's how you're saying it. Confused? Okay, let me give you an example. Let's say we have two girls talking to two guys. Each girl asks her guy the same question, and each guy responds differently. One of them responds by aiming to attract her with his words. The other responds by generating attraction within her with his nonverbals and voice tone. Take a look at each: Case 1: Aiming for Attraction with Words

Girl: What do you do? Guy: [deadpan] I'm a ninja. Girl: Okay... what would you like to be doing in 10 years? Guy: Ruling the world, probably. With my harem of 50 Victoria's Secret models. Analysis: yeah, that's... okay. He's fun and entertaining; the conversation has a light, airy feel to it. She'll probably stick around, but there's no telling if that's because she's got some attraction for him, or if it's just because she's having fun talking to him, without regard to attraction. Also, there's another dynamic here that might've slipped past your radar: she's asking, and he's telling. She's controlling the flow of the conversation and steering the dynamic. This means it's more work for her to control, but she doesn't feel like she's truly investing or that she's having to qualify herself. Instead, she's asking, and he's qualifying himself. Not directly -- not by telling her how impressive and amazing he is -- but instead by making an effort to be funny and entertaining and show her a good time. He's still chasing, and he's still being impressive, if in a more subtle manner. He's still in the rat race. Case 2: Generating Attraction with Nonverbals and Voice Tone Girl: What do you do? Guy: [looks thoughtfully away, before turning back] Hmm [said in a sexy tone of voice]. Some business, some writing... a bit of this and that... I dabble. What do you do? Girl: I'm a photojournalist. Guy: Really? [said with sexy eye contact and a "Hmm, I'm intrigued" tone of voice] What does that mean? Girl: That means I take pictures and they go in the newspaper and magazines. Guy: That sounds interesting. [said in a sexy tone of voice with a knowing smile] Girl: It can be. What kind of writing do you do? Guy: The creative kind. I have a book I'm working on. Girl: Oh wow, what's it about?

Guy: People, leadership, how others think... psychology stuff. Things I find interesting. How do you like being a photojournalist? Analysis: you can't see it perfectly from words on a page, but much of what's communicated there is coming from his nonverbals and his voice tone. He's drawing her in with powerful, sexual nonverbals, and communicating through his concision and mysteriousness that he isn't trying to be impressive... he just is. And because he's compelling without chasing, the girl he's speaking with is forced to invest as much as he is -- or more. You can't talk your way into attraction. And anyone who tells you you can doesn't know how to attract women or even how attraction works. Women aren't attracted by tales of how successful with women a man is, or how many expensive watches he has, or how well he treats his friends. Those aren't the things that make women excited and intrigued and desirous of a man. What does? Well... that's what I'm going to talk about with you next.

How to Attract Women “Assume attraction.” This was something I learned early on in my journey to improve with women. It served me well. Why's this a good assumption to have? Well, there're a couple of reasons: 1. If you assume that women are attracted, you'll act like women are attracted -- and the actions of a man who thinks a woman's attracted to him are bold, confident, and... attractive. 2. While attraction is very much something you can improve and develop, there's very little you can do about it at any specific outing. It's like worrying that your muscles aren't big enough or your clothes aren't perfect -- you can work on that for next time, but you've got what

you've got right now, so deal with it and work with it; it isn't worth even thinking about there in the moment and will only serve a distraction. Attraction primarily comes through more or less passive traits. At any given time, you should be working to develop these passive traits, but no amount of fussing over them right now is going to give you a huge boost in attraction in the short term. There is no "quick fix." Not in the sense that most guys think of it. Now, improving yourself and making yourself attractive is pretty darn quick to do compared to the path that most guys take for attracting women -- building their careers, amassing small fortunes, becoming rich and famous, or even attaining a certain social status in one circle or another (head bartender, chief physician, best salsa dancer, etc.). Where those other things might take years or even decades in some cases, you can turn yourself into a very attractive individual on a much faster scale. You've just got to drop the quick fix mentality of, "Okay, if I just learn to say this line right, then women won't be able to resist me!" It's not about words. It's about you. Here's how to attract women more beginning today: 1. Handle your fundamentals. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. I'll hammer these home until the day that I die. Why are fundamentals so important? Attraction can grow a little bit as a girl gets to know you, but for the most part, it's there or it isn't the moment she first meets you. Give it .3 seconds, or something like that... something crazy quick. But you can see it. I've seen it myself again and again, I've seen it with friends, I've seen it with guys I train... the moment you walk up, she's either into you, or she isn't. And your fundamentals are the primary thing she's gauging to decide whether she is or not. Fundamentals include: • • • • • • • •

Posture. Strong posture makes you attractive, period. Movement speed. Powerful, sexy men move more slowly. Eye contact. Effective eye contact flirting makes you captivating. Expressions. Great facial expressions entrance and excite women. Gracile movement. Smooth, fluid movement sends strong signals. Voice. A sexy voice is mandatory for increasing your sensuality. Speech. Speak slowly and use the pregnant pause. Fashion. Get well-fitting clothes, a sexy haircut, and cool facial hair.

Properly developed fundamentals allow you to always be at a baseline of high attractiveness to women. That means that no matter what kind of "state" you're in, women will want you regardless. It's a form of liberation, actually -- it's like losing weight, or putting on muscle, or learning a new skill or ability like painting or driving or computer programming. Work to get there, but once you've got it, it's quite easy to maintain, and it provides constant benefits and boosts and plusses. 2. Stop scanning. If there's one thing I notice most newer guys do a lot that's quite offputting to women, is that they constantly scan for new and attractive women. Scanning is when a guy's looking around, sweeping his eyes back and forth, visually combing the premises in search of a promising new girl to go talk to. Guys also scan when they're already talking to a cute girl, checking their surroundings for new threats (e.g., other men) and new opportunities (e.g., "Is there a cuter girl?" "Is something happening in the environment I should be aware of?"). Scanning is actually quite obvious, and it instantly slots the scanner into the "chase" position and the "insecure guy" position. Any woman he talks to once she's seen him scanning is going to expect him to chase her, and in response she will flee as he chases. She'll also quickly lose interest in him if he's scanning when he should be focused on her talking to her. Solution? Stop scanning. Talk to the people around you if you're not talking to a girl yet. Develop your peripheral vision. Position yourself so that you can look over your friend's shoulder as you talk and view the rest of the room. When you step into a new room, stop for a moment and look the place over and pinpoint where the cute girls are before you step into the fray. Once you're talking to a girl, focus on her and only break eye contact occasionally, and only then to let your eyes drift slightly off, without looking at anything. Even if there's a stir, don't be the first to look; only look if she does. The only time scanning is okay is when you're outside of the crowd and staring out into the mix, so long as you don't seem too intrigued by any one girl in particular. Otherwise, if a guy does it in the middle of a crowd in a bar or in the midst of walking down a street during the day, it shoots his attractiveness way down. 3. Cut the cute stuff and get to the point. I can't tell you how often I've seen friends who were routine guys walk up to a girl, start talking to her, and then right away I'm pulling my hair out going, "Eeeugggghhh, stop trying to attract her, she's already attracted! Just move her and get her out of there while she still wants you!" You won't attract women by talking to them. You won't. You really won't, I promise. The women who seemed attracted by your talking to them were probably attracted the moment you walked up, and had you done things smoothly and properly from the beginning you almost certainly could've moved them and gotten them to go with you right away. Even when I was new to meeting girls, I operated this way, and it worked. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that the cute stuff was a waste of my time and I didn't spend

any time on it. I'd go, talk to girls, and if they seemed interested I'd move them as fast as I could. And they'd usually say "yes." 4. Never forget that attraction has an expiration date. Long ago in pick up, something called the "7 Hour Rule" emerged. According to the 7 Hour Rule, you had to spend seven hours with a girl before you could sleep with her if you wanted something solid with her. Well, I can't speak to the origins of that rule, but I can say it's utter baloney. I think it's based on the idea that the more time a girl spends with you, the more she'll come to know you and appreciate you and bond with you... and to an extent this is true, but there's a flaw in the thinking. The flaw is this: the more she comes to know you and bond with you and appreciate you, the more of a fixture in her life you'll become, and the tougher the decision to sleep with you becomes. She may even come to see you as so amazing a benefit to her life that she doesn't want to risk losing you by sleeping with you. Conversely, the longer you wait, the more time you give yourself to make mistakes, or to let another man step in and sweep her away -- just like what we discussed in "How to Get Girls." Attraction and excitement and enthusiasm fades fast in most women under most circumstances. If you want to maximize your chances of success with girls, you'll need to remember this, and you'll need to hew closely to the following rule... 5. Move fast with women. Not only is this good form, but moving fast with women is actually very attractive! Women love and find enchanting the confident men who go for what they want with them and move things forward boldly and with decisiveness. I've had a lot of guys ask me if women will be put off by men moving too fast. Well, here's the answer: women are only put off by men they don't like that way moving too fast. What that means is, if you move quickly with a girl and she pushes back and says, "You know, girls don't like it when you move that fast," what she's actually saying is, "Whoa buddy, you want us to get together? I don't see you like that." That's actually a good thing... because it tells you you don't need to spend any further time with this particular girl, and it tells you you've got some tweaks to make on coming across the right way to women (e.g., as an edgy, sexual guy). If on the other hand you've got a girl who's into you, and you move fast, she might give you some token resistance ("I don't usually move this fast"), but she won't push back with disgust or revulsion. The only women who push back with disgust or indignation against you moving too fast are the women who weren't sexually attracted to you in the first place. The girls who like you get increasingly excited by things progressing quickly when they

do. Human sexuality did not evolve as a three month courting process, remember. Wait three months and there's a good chance you got impaled by a mammoth tusk, or at least that Stug, the caveman next door, came along and moved a lot faster and swept that cave girl you liked off her feet and into his bed. Human sexuality evolved as two apes meeting in the wild, sizing each other up very quickly, finding somewhere private together, and getting to it. Romanticizing the process is very nice and sweet, but things work a lot more smoothly when you drop idealism and treat it all the way it actually functions and plays out. A man she likes moving quickly with her is very attractive to a woman. 6. Move intelligently with women. Moving fast, of course, might be interpreted to mean "drag her out on the dance floor and make out with her," which is bad form and actually usually counterproductive to a seduction. That would be an example of moving quickly but without direction. There must be focus and direction in the progress you make with women. You need focused action to keep yourself moving toward a successful outcome. This means having a process; a series of steps to follow like: Go somewhere with pretty girls --> start talking to girls --> find a girl you like who likes you --> focus on her (don't get distracted or break circle) --> get her to move with you and invest and so on, all the way up until the two of you are lovers (or beyond that, if you want her as a girlfriend -- you can build a process for that too). Moving scattershot (e.g., moving her here and there; breaking circle to bring other people in or talk to your friends or her friends; ignoring her then coming back; leaving to go get drinks or go to the bathroom or whatever) is a surefire way to confuse a girl and dampen her enthusiasm, both that something will happen with you, and that you're the kind of man who can make something happen. Move forward with purpose and intent, and women will be attracted. 7. Close. Women aren't closers. That isn't their role. Women's role is to accept or reject men's proposals. That means that if you don't propose it -- if you don't go for the close - it probably doesn't happen. Asking girls to meet you on a date this week and grabbing their phone number can be intimidating up to the first 30 or 40 times you do it. Inviting a girl to come home with you can be scary the first 30 or 40 times you do that, too. But eventually it does become automatic, and you lose all emotional association to it. It just becomes something you do, because closing is now a part of your process (see #6 above). Going for the close is what differentiates the guys who get a lot of attention and attraction from women but don't ever convert it to anything from the guys who take the attention and attraction they get -- even if it's less than those first guys -- and turn it into

dates, lovers, girlfriends, and more. And above all, women can tell if a man will close. And it attracts them, and it excites them, and it encourages them to place their trust and comfort and hope in the man who closes that he will provide the kind of exciting romantic and sexual experience they long for. Attraction isn't hard. But it isn't a quick fix. It's something you build with time and focused effort. With time and effort, you tighten up your fundamentals and turn yourself into an attractive man by default. With time and effort, you cut out the cute stuff and get yourself to the point. With time and effort, you build a sense of urgency into your interactions with women and realize -- fully realize -- that when you move slow, you don't get the girl, and that when you don't ask, you don't get the girl. So, you start moving fast, and you start asking, because you find out that works. Attraction isn't a chore. You don't even have to actively manage it once you've gotten the things down above. At that point, it becomes automatic -- you're automatically attractive to women. If you've ever had the idea that learning how to attract women is about learning lines, routines, or stories, well, drop it, because it isn't. The words you say matter far less than the steps you take and the man you become. So, get yourself to become an attractive man who takes the right steps. Women will fall all over themselves to be with you, I promise -- and you'll get there a heck of a lot sooner than the guys who're still trying to talk women into their beds. Yours, Chase Amante

The Law of Least Effort

by Chase Amante Friday, 10 September 2010

I’ve been mentioning it for a while on here, but a friend pointed out to me recently that I have yet to actually flesh out something I’ve been referring to as the Law of Effort; henceforth referred to as the Law of Least Effort for reasons of clarity. When I say the Law of Least Effort, what I’m referring to is a very simple, but very universal and little-understood, social rule common to all forms of socializing (not limited to courtship and seduction by any means, though certainly of substantial importance there as well, perhaps especially so). Basically, that the person who appears to put the least amount of effort out, while getting the largest amount of effort returned to him by others, comes across as the most socially powerful. Note the italics around the word “appears” in that bolded section of the second paragraph. We aren’t necessarily talking about the person who is actually, literallytrying the least, but rather the person who is able to accomplish the most with the appearance of putting in the least amount of work. Appearance. It’s all appearance. Or, half appearance, half results. The appearance part is how much effort you’re expending; the actual-results part is what you actually get from others. Think back to the Hard Push. That’s the nickname I’ve given to the kind of persistence I talked about in Don’t Let Her Go. It’s basically talking a girl out of leaving (or, alternatively, into coming with you). If you were to watch me, or anyone who does this with any degree of expertise, persuade a woman who was about to leave to instead stay, it would look like very little effort was involved. All the guy persisting did was tell his girl four or five times not to go, give her another reason to stick around each time, in a very laidback, relaxed tone, and she stuck around. Here’s the rub, though: as effortless as it sounds, now ask a guy who’s never done that before how hard he might find it to do. For most men, this is so outside their experience and worldview and seems so hard to them that it isn’t even something they’d consider trying. But, the appearance is that the man who persisted in a relaxed manner andsucceeded achieved a great deal with very little expended effort. And because of that, he looks quite powerful: he achieved a lot while hardly lifting a finger. That’s the appearance.

Think of every single man you have ever considered cool. Some of them may have been tall guys; some of the may have been short guys; they may have been fat guys, skinny guys, old guys, young guys, white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and everything in between. A colossal variety of guys, all with different personalities, and probably with only one thing in common amongst the lot of them: every man you think of as “cool” subconsciously knows and obeys the Law of Least Effort. He does things that minimize the appearance of effort on his part, while maximizing his results. I personally have been (unconsciously) aware of the Law of Least Effort since seventh grade. That was the age that I began learning the art of making the things I wanted come to me. I did things like developing a sense of humor with a wit that appealed to both the students and the teachers, that made teachers like me more and work with me better, and students like me more and try to socialize with me more often. I dressed in cool, different clothing that attracted attention passively, without me having to actively do anything. I found ways of positioning myself around school so that pretty girls and cool kids would come into proximity with me, and I made myself an attractive enough, interesting enough individual that the most popular girls in school asked me out on dates, and the coolest kids in school asked me to go to their parties. If that wasn’t some good, solid positive reinforcement for me back then on the power of the Law of Least Effort, I don’t know what else could have been. The funny thing is, I was putting in a lot of work in those days. I was probably working harder at appearing effortless than anyone else was working at positioning themselves socially any other way. The reason it was such hard work, I see now in retrospect, is because I was learning an entirely new field: the art ofappearing effortless. When I first began studying seduction, it really threw me off, because the way I went about it in my early days, and the way I went about it after discovering the pickup community, was very clearly a high-effort endeavor. It was no doubt obvious to women, despite my years of honing my abilities at appearing effortless, that I was trying to meet girls. Take a look at most of what’s taught in the seduction community. Opinion openers? There is no woman in a nightclub who really believes a man just had to know who lies more – men or women? She knows a guy who’s walked up to her throwing an opinion opener at her is there to meet her, and is doing his song and dance to gradually win her over. Routines? They seem designed, in about 99 out of 100 cases, to impress and entertain. Fortunately, I learned fairly early on under a few really smart guys whose focus on investment as one of the pillars of attraction set me back on the course ofmaximizing the investment of the women in my life while minimizing theappearance of my own investment. Again, the word “appearance” is key there – oftentimes, I was spending a greater deal of time and mental effort and concern on women than perhaps any other companion they’d had before ever had, but I always made an effort to make my effort appear effortless. As you become increasingly familiar with investment and compliance, it pretty radically changes your worldview. You notice even small, subtle things – like how much of a woman’s body is turned toward you, or how much of her mental energy and focus she is putting into a

conversation with you – and calculate how much she’s investing. You become hyper-aware of investment. As you become aware of investment more and more, you become more skilled atgetting it. Because as you improve you can get investment faster and easier, you necessarily begin to get it seemingly more effortlessly, as well, and very naturally increase your default level of “cool” stemming from others’ perception of the balance of effort you’re putting out and effort you’re receiving back. A focus on investment, over time, makes you cool almost by default, because it indirectly teaches you the Law of Least Effort. I typically like to give a lot of practical, real world tips and suggestions and examples on how to use a technique I’ve written about, but the Law of Least Effort is rather different than the kind of thing you can immediately go out and start doing. Instead, it’s something that should influence your thoughts and actions as you move through your interactions with others. “How can I get what I want while appearing as effortless as possible?” you might ask yourself. This is a great place to start, and a good launching pad for exploring the power of the Law of Least Effort. Some other good general tips: 1. Find ways to maximize the positive attention you receive passively. This includes most fundamentals, like posture, nonverbals, and hair- and dress-styling. The more positive attention you receive from people without having to actively do anything to get it, the better. 2. Find ways to maximize your level of visible comfort. You should always be the most comfortable person in the room. A good rule of thumb is, if you feelcomfortable, you look comfortable. The more comfortable you look, the more confident, strong, and effortless you appear. 3. Find ways to minimize your level of investment. One reason I got myself very good at connecting with women rapidly was because once women feel a connection, they tend to be incredibly talkative – and talking, for me at least, is work. It’s much easier to be the listener while someone else talks and talks – and if you’re comfortable as you listen, you appear to be expending far less effort, while the woman you’re speaking with does her best to impress and attract you. 4. Get good at giving orders and commands in a very relaxed, low-effort way. When giving people orders or commands, you want to give those orders or commands in a voice that is both dominant and demanding, but also relaxed and calm. The more effortlessly you appear to state your demands, the more likely you are to get compliance with those demands. The Law of Least Effort is pervasive – you will find it everywhere, in just about everything. Learn it well, and begin applying it whenever you find yourself socializing. You’ll be thrilled when you see it in action – appearing effortless is a critical part of being successful in dating, relationships, and all manner of courtship and social interactions.

Nonverbal Communication

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 28 December 2010

The chief tenet of the Law of Least Effort in seduction is that the less effort you put in while still achieving the desired result, the more powerful, attractive, and sexy you appear. One of the most powerful ways of doing this is by learning to communicate without the use of words. If you’ve ever studied very charismatic people – I have, and I recommend it – something you’ll notice is that they frequently say things with fun, charming, wordless expressions. A smile and a wink, say, or a mischievous look. For instance, maybe someone asks a charismatic man if he can handle a certain situation – he gives them the skeptical look with just a hint of a knowing smile and then gets to it. Or maybe he gives a small smile, makes a thumbs up sign, and goes about his business.

The Power of No Words The Law of Least Effort is not, in fact, the only reason why nonverbal communication positions someone to look powerful, charismatic, and sexually attractive. There’s another reason too, and it goes to the heart of how human social status is weighed and assessed: that reason is assumption of understanding. Most people don’t use nonverbal communication to the extent that charismatic people do because they’re not confident they can pull it off properly. For instance, ask an average guy if he thinks he can handle something, and if he tries to reply nonverbally it will likely come off too harsh (his expression comes across as if he was insulted at the idea of it) or too patronizing (his expression comes across as if he is trying to say he’s superior to the other person). A man must be extremely precise in his nonverbal communication to convey the right message without crossing signals. Nonverbal communication must be exact, yet subtle. This takes a large degree of social awareness and a sensitivity to how others will respond to messages communicated that only a man of elite social caliber possesses. So, effective nonverbal communication says two things about you: 1. You are an extremely powerful, attractive man who gets maximal results for minimal effort, and

2. You are an extremely socially attuned man who is highly aware of the thoughts and feelings of those around him and adept at communicating exactly the right message he intends to communicate with no mixed signals. These are the signs of a man in control of his own movements and outcomes socially, and the signs of a leader. People are drawn to other people who possess the uncommon ability to communicate without words effectively, and it’s a part of what we call “charisma” or “magnetism.”

Developing Nonverbal Communication To become effective communicating without words, you need practice doing so, which means you’re going to have to start using nonverbal communication and have it be a little clunky for a while. That’s okay, because as you use your communication, you’ll continue to refine it, and become more skilled with it and better able to achieve your desired result socially with a minimum of effort. There are a handful of different forms of nonverbal communication I recommend you start with. Again, watch movies of strong, powerful, attractive men, and you’ll notice them using these. I recommend you start using them yourself as well. •

The Skeptical Look: follow the link for more information. The skeptical look is an effective catch-all for people saying silly things to you (e.g., a girl telling you, “I bet you’d love to get in my pants right now”), people over-questioning you (e.g., you’ve already said you can or will do something, and someone asks you, “Are you sure?”), and people making requests you don’t think are worth responding to (someone asks you, “Hey, give me your drink and go get another one,” or, “Lend me a hundred bucks, will you?”).



The Exasperated Look: the effect is the same as if you had sighed, except without being quite so demonstrative. We want to be exact, yet subtle, with our nonverbal communication. When you’re trying to tell something to someone and she just isn’t getting it, or if she keeps trying to get you to do something that you’re not going to do, you can use this expression. To pull it off, you let your shoulders droop a bit, widen your eyes, raise your eyebrows, and give yourself a slightly sad mouth.



The Thoughtful Look: used to communicate you’re considering something. There are a couple of different ways you can pull this one off, though my favorite is to pucker my lips and take my eyes and look down and away, followed after a pause by turning my head slightly away. You can also raise your hand up and rest it on your chin thoughtfully as you look down and away with your eyes and preferably pucker your lips a bit.



The Clueless Look: if someone asks you something you don’t know, or for your opinion about something you don’t have an opinion about (e.g., “Where should we go eat?”), you

can respond by shrugging your shoulders, raising your eyebrows, widening your eyes, and pulling your mouth down in a slightly exaggerated frown to nonverbally say, “I don’t know.” Interesting note: the facial expression used here is a more exaggerated version of the one used in the exasperated look, with higher eyebrows, wider eyes, and a bigger frown – plus shrugging shoulders instead of drooping ones. •

The Cocky Smile: if someone asks you if you really think you can do something, or a girl makes a comment that builds you up (e.g., “Well aren’t you cocky?” or, “Hmm, you must be really good in bed”), you can use this to reply in a very effective, very nonchalant way. You’ll basically droop your eyelids just a bit – adopting “bedroom eyes” – turn your head so that you’re looking at the girl out of the corner of your eyes (sexy eye contact), and smile more with one side of your mouth – a half-smile, though you’re still smiling on the other side of your face, just not as pronounced.



The “Okaaaaay…” Look: for when someone just says something very insulting or uncalled for or extremely random and bizarre. For this one, you’ll pucker and purse your lips out, hold eye contact for a moment, then slide your eyes off to a corner looking to the side. You can follow this one up by changing your mouth to a half-grimace; check out Robert Downey, Jr. in Iron Man, he uses this expression a few times throughout the movie. Effective for throwing off people who are busting your balls.

Imagine Your Audience When communicating without words, you’ll find it helpful to imagine the audience of people watching you and monitoring your expressions. In social situations, there often are people watching how you react, and when they see you reacting nonverbally like this, they’re often going to like you more and take your side over whatever the other person is saying, and there’s a very good reason for this: The person who’s more socially skilled is, generally speaking, far more likely to be “in the right” in social situations. What that means is, if you’re the more socially skilled person in a two-person conversation you’re in, you’re generally going to be more aware of the other person’s reactions to what you say and do than the other person is going to be to yours, and you’re also going to be more aware of the reactions of everyone else in the vicinity to what you say and do than the other person is going to be of what she says and does. So you’re more likely to be respectful, savvy, aware, and socially graceful. Thus, if a situation emerges where there is any kind of competition or combativeness, everyone watching – the audience – will be inclined to take the side of the person who is obviously more socially skilled and in-control, and that will quite often be the person putting in less effort and using more wordless communication.

Even when there are no spectators though – even if you’re alone in your home with just you and your girl – it’s helpful to imagine an audience, though. The reason I say this is so is because there often won’t be immediate feedback from your girl – she may be irritated and laying into and not respond immediately to a skeptical look, or she may be busting your balls and not respond to your “okaaaaay…” look. Without immediate feedback, particularly for people new to nonverbal responses, there’s the chance that you end up second-guessing yourself and losing confidence in your nonverbal responses. Trust me though, even if she doesn’t respond instantly, she’s registering your nonverbal responses and recognizing you as a sexy, more powerful, more charismatic man. Even if you don’t see it right away, trust that they’re working, and if you must, do it for your imaginary audience. ~~~~~~~~~~ Wordless, nonverbal communication is one of these things that not a lot of people do but that you will see strong results from once you have it down. Personally, situations that used to drive me crazy are now sources of great satisfaction for me – for instance, a girl starts busting my balls, and I give her the skeptical look, and she cuts it out and instantly becomes a lot more romantically and sexually forward (note: girls giving you the hardest time are quite often also the horniest girls and are giving you a hard time because they’re agitated and looking for a man who will put them in their place (socially) and give them what they need (sexually)). I recommend a lot of movie watching, mainly because there are certain things you simply can’t teach via text. This is about as good a job as I can do of trying to describe facial expressions and nonverbal communication in a blog article; hopefully I didn’t do too terrible a job, but I do recommend checking out movies and seeing if you can spot these communications. Seeing one of these gives you a much better idea how to execute it than any amount of type-written explanation. A picture’s worth a thousand words, goes the saying… Highly suggest you start incorporating nonverbal communication as a top priority if you haven’t already, though. It’s a remarkable social tool that’s under-discussed, under-used, but inordinately effective. If you want to cut time from your interactions, get past the bullshit, and move fast with girls, word-free communication will help you get there. Yours, Chase Amante

Nonverbal Attraction and Getting Girls Without Words

by Chase Amante Monday, 20 June 2011

In the post on how to get foreign girls, a reader named swingcat (no relation to the other guy!) asks the following: There are quite a few Chinese girls I know who ONLY speak Chinese and who told me they always dreamt of meeting a foreigner. Out of experience I know that with nightgame you can pull girls without speaking a single word. What about daygame however? And for nightgame, how can you go beyond SNLs without being able to communicate? You mention leading. Yes, that is indespensable but how do you establish comfort or comfort? How do you non-verbally qualify? Maye you can post some examples orFRs, since you mention that you have quite a few of these experiences. I think this would be really helpful. Basically, he asks how do you move things forward with a woman you can't (or prefer not to) communicate with? Which, I think, is a great question. You won't just use this with women who don't speak your language. I use a lot of what is to follow in my regular interactions with women who are native or fluent English speakers, too. But, you ask, why choose to go wordless rather than make use of verbiage-laden, well-worded conversation? Well, that's a part of what we'll talk about here today.

Talk Is Cheap... And Its Results Are Too I'm a very efficiency-minded person, and a very results-oriented person, and I like to optimize things as much as I possibly can. That means, of course, that I'm happiest when things move fast and happen effortlessly to produce consistent, reliable results. So I don't generally like interactions that go on for a very long time; I want the point to be gotten to, and for both of us to then move on to more productive uses of our time. But early on in my seduction career, I thought that you more or less had to invest a large deal of time with women. Talk to them for a long time, help them to really get to know you, and then your chances of succeeding with them get a lot higher. Right? Of course, that isn't the case at all. As we've mentioned on here a number of times, taking too long with women is the kiss of death with them, and a surefire ticket to becoming just friends. Guys who take too long end up losing their status as sexual candidates. So then I thought, Okay, so cram more information into a shorter amount of time, and you achieve more success. And for a while I tried packing tons of information about myself into a short amount of time with a woman, and... that strategy performed even worse. When you over-talk about yourself, you come across as if trying to impress. But here's the thing: truly impressive people never try to impress. They just are impressive, without having to try to be. The instant you start trying to be impressive, you stop being impressive. So I started looking to scale back how much I talked about myself with women. In fact, I scaled back how much talking I, myself, did, period. Less. And less. And less. And I noticed that as I spoke less and less with women, they seemed to like me more and more. Now, it's worth noting that as I was speaking less and less about myself, I was also getting women speaking more. Hence, conversational deep diving and my emphasis on how to become a great conversationalist. What happens when you reduce how much you talk about yourself down to the bare minimum while simultaneously encouraging women to talk more about themselves, and you at the same time do a good job effectively communicating that you relate, is that you help women to feel increasingly accepted by you. You also, simultaneously, come across as a very powerful, solid guy who minds the Law of Least Effort and doesn't expend any additional energy that he doesn't have to. That's two great things there: you help women feel more comfortable and relate to you better, and you come across as a very solid, powerful, attractive, confident man.

Two birds, one stone. And the one stone you're ultimately using to pull all of that off, of course, once you've pared down your talking to the bare essentials (or none at all), is nonverbal attraction.

The "Attraction" in Nonverbal Attraction Remember what we discussed in the articles on sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort -- that putting in a great deal of visible effort or investment makes you appear less powerful and less attractive, while appearing visibly more effortless makes you seem more powerful and more attractive. To understand how and why nonverbal attraction works, let's begin by boiling things down to their most basic level of social power, then, in a few examples: •

What's more attractive: saying, "That's interesting," or shrugging your eyebrows wordlessly, as if to say, "Hmm!"?



What's more attractive: saying, "Hey, how's it going?" or smiling, waving, motioning a girl over, and giving her a hug without a word?



What's more attractive: telling a girl, "I like you," or gazing at her dreamily without a word?

Yeah, right -- you've got it. No need to go on needlessly with examples here. Going wordless just feels more attractive and powerful. That's because you, like all people and in fact in fact, even pretty much all animate animals, as far as I can tell (coral need not apply... sorry, science joke), judge power: the more powerful individuals move less, say less, and communicate more with their nonverbals. Imagine two big male gorillas courting a female gorilla. One of the big males runs around, makes a lot of vocalizations, beats his chest a lot, and basically tries to look really loud and strong and active. The other one sits there comfortably, lounging back with a bunch of bananas, flashes a gorilla smile at the girl gorilla, and motions her over. Who's going to get the gorilla girl? Most males (male humans included) mistake noise and activity for power, so they try to substitute a lot of that. Male gorillas beat their chests and yell and run around; human males talk females' ears off, buy them drinks, and try to position themselves as more impressive than other men. What goes unrealized by 99% of males, and capitalized on by the other 1%, is that individuals who are actually powerful don't run around going crazy trying to be impressive.

Instead, they exude impressiveness. And part of the secret to exuding that impressiveness is doing things with a minimum of effort; thus, nonverbal. It's a lot easier to say something with a subtle gesture than it is to put together a string of words and belt it out in to the air. Because its substantially easier -- and because nonverbal communication strikes a far more primal chord in others than spoken language does -- it makes its users seem a lot more solid and a lot more socially intelligent. Attraction itself works out like this: men are attracted to looks in women, but women don't care so much about men's looks. Women are more interested in finding powerful, confident men. Looks are nice, but they get minor consideration compared to confidence and raw, real power. Not scary power; not the guys who walk around acting like... well... gorillas, though there is a certain subset of women to whom that appeals. But what women really are attracted to is men who seem confident in that their desired outcomes are secured. Men who are merely trying will work hard to get their points across and show women that they're listening and that they understand those women, to make sure those women understand that they understand. There's this whole song and dance most guys go through, being overly expressive, trying to hammer home the fact to women that they're present there in the conversation, that they're attractive guys, and that yes, they're listening and paying attention and thinking about what she has to say. Men who are confident women will get them don't do this. They just make small, simple, but clear nonverbal gestures that they know women will understand. You might even say it's a way of signaling past successes; guys who haven't been successful with women are going to have a very hard time emulating the minute nonverbal attraction signals that men who have know how to pull off. Fortunately, even if you're just starting out, there are a number of these nonverbal attraction signals you can start doing now that are going to help you find a lot more success communicating with women nonverbally right away. Let's have a look at what some of them are.

How to Communicate with Women Nonverbally All right, here's where I give you the meat and potatoes of communicating nonverbally. Disclaimer: this stuff is nuanced. You're going to need to play around with it quite a bit to get the right facial expressions and movements. Sounds easy, but isn't. But well worth getting the nuances down... women go ape for this stuff (not to beat a dead horse on the comparisons here). A few rules to keep in mind: 1. Slower is better. Strong men move slowly. You should too. 2. Anything even potentially rude should be followed with a playful smile. 3. Monitor for comfort. It's possible to invest too little while being nonverbal, and your girl will start feeling there's too large an investment imbalance (she's investing a great deal, you're investing far less) and will start feeling uncomfortable. The instant you notice any sign of discomfort, start talking and relating yourself to lessen the difference in investment levels a bit. Also, some of the greatest resources for learning nonverbal communication? Movies. Check out movies with strong, sexual leading men who communicate a lot with what they don't say. My top recommendations: • • • • • •

Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder) Sean Connery Harrison Ford Tom Cruise Pierce Brosnan (as James Bond) George Clooney

Check these guys out and emulate their nonverbal reactions -- both facial expressions and other forms of nonverbal communication. There's tons of stuff there. Communicating nonverbally... a full how-to post on this would basically end up being booklength, so rather than attempt to break down an entire form of communication in an Internet post, what I'm going to do here is give you a primer to get you started on communicating effectively nonverbally, as a tool to use with English speakers and non-English speakers alike. Here's when to use nonverbal, along with some examples of nonverbal in each context: 1. As a substitute for words. You'll find that, quite often during a conversation, a simple head nod can be enough to signify you understand. A craning of the neck or shrugging of the eyebrows with widened eyes can communicate you don't understand. And a slow, knowing half-smile can communicate you know exactly what she's saying. Used correctly, you can replace a lot of your normal verbal communication with nonverbal communication. You can point to things (like a hat) and make a confused gesture (say, a

confused facial expression plus shrugging your shoulders and holding your hands out expressively) to ask a girl to explain something, or just to make her laugh at something silly about her that she obviously knows is silly. 2. As an addition to words. Telling a girl, "Come and sit," ends up being far more powerful when you couple that command with a patting of the seat next to you. Telling her, "Let's head over there," while craning your neck in that direction or motioning that way while turning your body as if to start walking adds a great deal of thrust. Saying, "I see," then pausing verbally as your eyes glide off to the right and you turn your head ever so slightly as if considering the point makes you sound as though you've understood that much more. Again, you can skip the verbal with any of these and the gesture's still likely to get the message across powerfully. Only use the verbal part of this communication if you think it's necessary for avoiding an investment imbalance problem. 3. As a sign of interest. The old "triangle gazing" routine -- of looking at a girl's eyes, then down to her mouth -- is in this category; things you do nonverbally that express interest. Using eye contact flirting is one of these. Using bedroom eyes -- lowered eyelids and a sort of dreamy expression -- while looking at women is another. There are even certain head movements you can do -- straightening yourself up slightly while moving your head a little bit in one direction while tilting it slightly in the other -- that signify piquing interest. But one of the most potent ways to use nonverbal attraction, if you ask me, is combining these things with your verbally speaking -- not commands or comments, but while you're actually doing your talking. Because there are two things you must mind with women: • •

Occupying a woman's mind logically, while Seducing a woman's mind emotionally.

What you'll find is this: even when a girl doesn't understand you one bit because she speaks a foreign language, if you talk to her while using effective nonverbal attraction techniques, she'll become desirous of you. So you might meet a girl who doesn't speak English, and you start talking to her. "I'm sorry, I don't understand," she says. Or maybe she just shakes her head and says, "Sorry." You say, "That's okay," and smile at her warmly. You can tell she's interested. You take her hand and pull her along. "Let me show you this," you say. You're not sure if she understands you or not; it doesn't really matter. You've said something just to fill the void, but it doesn't really matter what you said. The only thing that matters is that she's attracted to you -- predominantly because of your nonverbals. You start talking about very light, silly stuff -- "Romania! I love it here!" Get her involved, point to her, then point to the ground and then gesture all around you -- "You, here? Love it?" put your hands over your heart. "Or no?" as you make a stern-but-silly facial expression and wave no,

while glancing away from her briefly (quick tip: avoid saying or gesturing "no" while looking at a girl directly; you can inadvertently / subconsciously send her into auto-rejection). She shakes her head and laughs, still not understanding you. "I'm sorry...!" she starts. "It's okay!" you say, very loudly, playfully, happily, and expressively. Gesture wildly that it doesn't matter. "I like you even if you don't understand a word I'm saying!" She'll probably still be laughing, because you're being a little silly, but still moving things forward, and she's attracted, and she knows you're attracted. Just do this a little more, and move very fast towards your logistics. Keep leading; tell her where you're going, gesture towards it, be fun and spontaneous, and keep leading. She'll try to leave. Don't let her go. Gesture very expressively, with a mock-concerned look on your face, for her to follow. Again, be extremely expressive. "No, you mustn't go!" you tell her. "We're not this far, just this way! Come, young lady, you must accompany me!" Continue gesturing and verbally commanding her (even though she doesn't understand). Much of the time, she'll relent, laughing, and go with you. Then you get her alone, kiss her right away, and the two of you get together. That's what being a sexy man is about. It's not about words much, at all. Being sexually attractive and compelling to women is largely about nonverbal factors. I have a theory. My theory is, if you took two men who were equally clueless with women, and you taught one of them a lot of great lines, stories, openers, and other verbal tech, and you taught another one of them a lot of sexual body language, and sexy facial expressions, and how to move and look and seem like a very confident, bold, sexually attractive individual, and how to lead boldly and decisively and rapidly, that second guy would kill the first guy in results: more girls, higher quality girls, and stronger relationships. Because here's what happens. When a guy's sexy, women just naturally tend to be a lot warmer to him, a lot friendlier to him, and a lot more desirous of him most of the time. They give him more leeway; he gets further along with them; and he builds more confidence in the meantime. The guy who isn't sexy keeps beating his head against the wall trying to figure out the right thing to say, whereas the sexy guy gets so many opportunities with women that he gets to know them so well that the right thing to say just becomes obvious over time. If you take one point away from this article, I'd recommend you take away this: given the choice of working on either learning the right things to say, or learning the right ways to be and act around women, opt for the second one almost every time. You'll get a lot more mileage out of it. And I'll talk to you next time. Always, Chase Amante

Hey MigzWhen I first started telling girls to stay, and refusing to chase, I didn't have unwavering confidence in it either. Actually, I didn't think it would work. But I just made myself doing it, and then it worked, and then I realized, "Holy crap! If I just tell girls to stay a few times, maybe 70% of the time they just do what I tell them and stay!" Kinda makes you feel like the most powerful guy on Earth ;) The key to breaking out of ARM and the friend zone is pretty much one and the same: get them giving you some small (or large) compliance, and then make them feel really good for having done it. So, like, she's being cold to you and on the fringes of auto-rejection. You motion her over, she resists; you smile like you would at an impish child, glance away a bit, and continue motioning her over, now without looking at her / while looking to the side. She comes. You immediately become really warm, sexy, and flirtatious with her as a reward for her coming over, then move her right away and start getting into some solid rapport. Now she feels firmly rewarded for having done as you've asked. If you use that with those gals who've been a little weird around you, you'll see a pretty quick turnaround, but you'll have to either build a really serious friendship with them fast (if you want them as friends), or you'll have to get them in bed fast (if you want them as lovers), or else they'll go back to ARM / friendzoning you and it'll be three times as hard to get them out the next time. I have indeed taken a Myers Briggs, and I am indeed an ENTJ. You sound like a pro ;) In my experience, this stuff does work well on the feelers too -- though reactions are a little different. The thinkers respond with more curiosity and excitement, whereas the feelers tend to get these swirling emotional responses to it, similar to "falling in love." I do tend to date thinkers though, too; feelers and I clash too much on a personality level (I'm guilty of considering them "soft;" perhaps they also think me too "hard"). Actually, I have to be really careful with the feelers, as once they lower their walls and let themselves feel around you, they can get pretty attached pretty quick. Obviously, as you get better with people, you also increasingly assume a degree of responsibility for how you make those around you feel, and as you become someone others are drawn to more, it's important to try and avoid them coming out of an interaction feeling like you judged them unworthy of a further relationship, not "good enough," etc. Glad you like the blog! Chase

What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her

by Chase Amante Thursday, 22 November 2012

Early in my seduction career, I studied everything I could from the guys I considered the "top guys" who'd come before me. But I especially focused on the guys who really good were but who didn't know how to market themselves... essentially, the hidden gems of seduction. What I realized was that the mainstream school of thought on picking up women was almost as dogmatic as mainstream society itself; while mainstream society believed in: • • • • •

Be nice to women Take things slow Just be yourself Pay for dates No sex until the third date

The pickup community at the time I entered also had its own tenets, chiefly: • • • • •

Follow the 3-second rule of approaching Seductions must unfold over 7+ hours You must be impressive and show higher value You must follow a "method" - certain steps and procedures, routines, etc. Fast seductions were "fools mates" and only happened with "easy" women

Which to me seemed a definite step up and an improvement from what mainstream society preaches, but... it still seemed a bit too limiting and contrived. Why do you need some complicated procedure to "show your value" to women? Why do you have to go through some whole song and dance just to get girls? I ended up searching out unconventional teachers and older guys in the community who'd largely vanished from the main forums and hang outs, convinced I could learn the things from them that the rest of the devotees of the social and seductive arts seemed not to know. And by and large, I did.

And one of the greatest lessons I learned from these studies was how to find out the answer to the question "what does she want?" using a forgotten technique its originator called "eliciting values." I'm going to teach you that technique today.

Both mainstream society and the pickup community share one common flaw in how they think about women: that women are all the same. That they all think the same ways, and want the same things. That their emotions respond identically to identical stimuli. That their buttons can all be pushed to the same effect, if pushed the same way. And it's not true. Not by a long shot. Here's what I mean Take a look again at some typical advice from mainstream society: • • • • •

Be nice to women Take things slow Just be yourself Pay for dates No sex until the third date

What's this assume? Well, it assumes that, no matter WHO you are or WHAT you're like or WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at any particular time, women universally:

• • • • •

Do not like men who are jerks Do not like men who move fast Do not like men striving to be more than they are Do not like men who don't pay for them on dates Will not engage in sex with men prior to the third date

Meanwhile, take a look again at some typical advice from the pickup community: • • • • •

Follow the 3-second rule of approaching Seductions must unfold over 7+ hours You must be impressive and show higher value You must follow a "method" - certain steps and procedures, routines, etc. Fast seductions were "fools mates" and only happened with "easy" women

What's this assume? Well, this advice assumes that, once again, no matter WHO you are or WHAT you're like or WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at any particular time, women universally: • • • • •

Lose interest in all men who take longer than 3 seconds to say "hello" Are slow to warm up to men, and require time to become comfortable with them Are not interested in men until those men show them why they should be Are difficult to get, so you need a highly systematized procedure to get them Will not engage in sex with men earlier than 7 hours in (unless it's a "fools mate")

Both sets of advice share the same core assumption: that women are all the same and all want the same things. Which is baloney. Think about a man. Are there men out there who want nothing but a sex partner as fast as possible? How about men out there who want a committed long term relationship? How about men who want romance and adventure? How about men who want... anything? Sure. You know there are. Well guess what? The same is true for women. And when you limit yourself to a core set of beliefs of "Women won't do this" and "Women always do that," you also limit your success with them - to only the women who want what you think they want.

What Does She Want? Well, It Depends Further, both the mainstream and the standard pickup approaches forget that it depends. A long time ago, in management training school at my first real job, I learned the management adage that "The correct response to every question in management is the answer, 'It Depends.'" What does it depend on? In the case of women, when you're asking yourself, "What does she want?" the question depends primarily on two things: • •

Her, and You.

Let me give you an example. Take Cassie. Cassie's an ordinary, run-of-the-mill girl. She's pretty, she did well in school, and now she's 23 years old, totally single, and working at her first post-graduation job. Imagine now that Cassie meets four different men, and ask yourself what she wants from each of them: • • • •

A really nice guy who texts her all the time to talk and goes shopping with her A charming, suave man she meets who has a good career and is fun to be with An older, fatherly gentleman who's her boss at work and gives her good advice A saucy, edgy rock musician who plays in a local band at some of the local bars

What's she want from each of these guys? Is it the same thing... or could it be different? Yeah, of course - obviously it's going to be different. You don't need to take 4 years of women's studies to figure that out. Now, if you know a thing or two about what women want, you'll know that for Cassie, our Average Jane, it isn't just somewhat different things she wants from each of these men, but often the fact is she wants some very different things from each of them: • • • •

She wants to just be friends with the nice guy she talks and shops with She wants a relationship with the charming guy she likes who has a good job She wants her advice-giving boss as a platonic supporter and father figure She wants to hook up with the exciting, edgy rock musician, no strings attached

Why? Why does what she want differ for each of these men? It's because they have different things to offer her. The friendly guy's greatest value to her is as a friend.

The charming guy with a good job has potential to be a great boyfriend. The boss's largest source of value to her life is as an advice-giving supporter. And the rock musician's greatest value to her life is as an exciting hook up. She's not going to get very excited about sex with the platonic guy friend or boss, after all... in fact, she'll cringe at the very thought of it! Conversely, she might be excited about sleeping with the charming guy... BUT, she doesn't want to risk losing what could be a great shot at a great relationship for something as trivial as a roll in the hay, so she'll make him wait, and try and get a relationship. The rock musician, on the other hand, she'd really enjoy sleeping with him, but if he wants to keep seeing her afterward he might find it doesn't last long, because he simply doesn't have much to offer an upwardly mobile career woman like herself aside from some cheap thrills and good sex. One woman. Four different men. Four different things she wants from each of them.

Now, some questions to put this all in perspective. Let's say each of these four men would really like to date Cassie and have her as his girlfriend. Riddle me this: 1. Of the four men, which is best served by the mainstream advice - you know, "Be yourself, don't move too fast, pay for her on dates," etc.? If you said "the boyfriend prospect"... you'd be right! 2. And of the four men, which is best served by the pickup community advice - you know, "Show higher value, get 7+ hours of face and talk time with her, follow the method and do the right things," etc.? Again... it's the boyfriend prospect, isn't it? Imagine the friend, boss, or rock musician trying to "just be themselves," take three dates before they do anything, and pay for dates for Cassie. The first two get written off as not attractive

enough, and the third gets written off as not being nearly as sexy or dominant as she thought he was. And it's the exact same story for the pickup community advice. Both lines of recommendations - mainstream and pickup - would have you prove your worth to her; show her, over a series of time, why YOU measure up better as a prospective boyfriend than any other contender... why you BLOW the competition out of the water. And unless you're Superman - unless you really are charming, and suave, and on-point, and you've got a great job, and do everything right - the only women you're going to get with either of these recommendations regularly are going to be women who are beneath what you should be getting in terms of looks, intellect, ambition, and personality. The purpose of advice is supposed to be helping you to get past the competition. But both of these paths just tell you to assume all women are the same, all women want the same thing out of every man they meet, and to just wade in there and try to be the shiniest object in every category possible. Whereas the whole time instead, you could've just asked yourself, "What does she want really?" then become that, and skipped the competition entirely.

I mentioned earlier something I learned in management training. Well, here's something I learned in sales. When I was new to sales, we learned about the four sales archetypes: • • • •

Driver Analytical Expressive Amiable

Each of these archetypes has a different way of interacting with the salesman:

1. Drivers are very direct, speak loudly and firmly, and only want to know "what" something will do... they just want a basic answer, and don't want to get bogged down with details. 2. Analyticals, in contrast to drivers, want to know every little detail about a thing; how's it work, how long will it work for, what happens if it doesn't work, what are its ratings in this area and that area and the other area, how long is the warranty for, what's the warranty cover, etc. They're logical, methodical, and highly detail-oriented. 3. Expressives don't care so much about the product, per se - what they care about is YOU! They want to talk, bond, and form a connection - it's all about the human touch for them. 4. Amiables are the ones who just want everybody to get along. They're soft spoken, meek, and humble, and they aren't comfortable saying "no." Instead, they'll say "yes," and then just not do something if they don't want to do it. They are, in a word, agreeable. And what would you think is the best sales tactic for each of these personality types? Using the same sales strategy with each one? Hardly. It turns out that each disposition responds best to a salesman who ALSO has that disposition. And in sales training, they teach you how to recognize these four personality types... and how to quickly assume their characteristics yourself to best sell to the prospect. If he's analytical, hit him with details; make him feel like he understands every nuance of the product. If he's expressive, get to know him; make small talk, make conversation, and make him feel connected. If he's amiable, just be nice, and don't be too loud. And if he's driver, DO be loud, and be direct, and DON'T crowd him with details. Just tell him what it is, how much it is, and ask him if he wants to get started. And women are just like this.

Becoming the Mirror Women are highly socially attuned creatures. Much of the time, they serve as "mirrors" to the individuals around them, because this is how you bond and connect at a social level. Essentially, a woman will normally quickly find out what you expect of women in general, and if she likes you and wants to keep you around her, she will become that around you. So, if you think that women are all chaste little angels and that women who sleep with men quickly are horrible dirty sluts, a girl will quickly pick up on signs of this from you and she will act for all the world like a chaste little angel and have you believe that she is, even if, were you

to ever find out her real history, or how many partners she'd had, or her true feelings about sex, you might well relegate her to your "Horrible Dirty Sluts" bin. Conversely, if you think that women are wild crazy naughty things by default, and overly conservative women are more like nuns than girls, if a girl likes you she's going to show you this side of her personality as much as possible, even if she isn't exactly the wildest of the wild bunch. Women are mirrors because it helps them attain their objectives with men, which are several fold: 1. Not suffer reputation damage that could impede future mating 2. Keep sufficient male support from diverse enough men as a survival mechanism 3. Find men to fulfill mating and relationship roles They go in that order of importance. If a woman risks suffering reputation damage by being honest with you, she will not be honest with you. This means, if you're judgmental, you won't get the full story because you can't be trusted not to think poorly of her, and make her feel bad, or spread rumors about her to others. If you're safe from causing reputation damage but you offer her enough support (see: "Can I Help You?"), her top priority becomes securing that support from you. If you're no threat to her reputation, don't offer her much or anything support-wise, but do offer her reproductive value, then the doors are open to you for fast intimacy. And depending on which stage you fall in, you'll see a different side of each woman. 1. Reputation risk: she'll act like the penultimate good girl around you, and chances are you'll never be more than just friends. 2. No reputation risk, but offer plenty of non-sexual value to her life: she'll act like a charming girl, coy and conservative, to keep you intrigued but at arms length, to make sure she has a steady supply of the value you provide without mixing sex (a risk factor for having things blow up and her losing your value) into it. 3. No reputation risk, not much non-sexual value on offer, lots of sexual value offered: she'll be direct, blunt, short with you; or entranced, enamored, and affectionate with you; or, if she's inexperienced, very nervous and excited with you. But of course, that's all in how she reflects back to you what she sees in you. Obviously, you want to get her to #3 to have the best chance of getting together with her (and after you've slept with her, you can always start dialing up the non-sexual value offered to her as well if you want to move into a boyfriend role). So how do you get her to see you the way you want her to see her?

By you becoming the mirror to her first, and allowing her to mirror you second, rather than you just being you and her mirroring you, as usually happens with men and women, and as happens in both the mainstream and the usual pickup community scenarios. You want to find out the answer to "What does she want?" And then, once you know it, you want to become it.

The Wrong Kind of Value That archive of advice I dove into years ago was by a guy who used the handle "MrSex4uNYC," and he advocated using what he called "eliciting values" to find out what women wanted so that he could become it. In a bar, or on a date at a coffee shop, he'd sit and talk to women... and just ask them who they were, what they wanted out of life, and what kind of men they dated and relationships they had. And then he'd become it. This interested me so much back then that I set out to learn it. My early attempts at building eliciting values into my conversations with women were one of the things that led me to deep diving. Because the original poster on eliciting values didn't go much into his methodology, it was left to me to pick up the pieces and figure out how to do the actual execution on this on my own. Fortunately, breaking things down and putting them back together happens to be one of my stronger suits, so I set out doing just that. Eventually, I boiled it down to a series of questions - questions I'd ask women in conversation to find out what they were really looking for. I'd refrain from sharing too much of my own opinions before finding this out - when you don't know anything about her and you start spouting out opinions, this is how you turn off women you don't know very well yet and scare them away 99% of the time. It's where the pickup community goes wrong in its "show higher value" philosophy, because that philosophy isn't first preceded by, "find out what 'high value' IS to her... then show higher value." Mainstream society's advice seems to not make this mistake, but then you realize it doesn't actually give much advice about what to actually do with women at all, so this is hardly to its credit. Yes, there are forms of universal value - these are your fundamentals that you can get down. Things like being a sexy man and being dominant with women and leading them.

Where most guys in pickup and in mainstream society alike go wrong though is launching into detailed stories about things that THEY think are high value... that the girl herself doesn't relate to at all! So the guy think's he's showing how impressive he is... and the girl just thinks he's being a dolt. She gets turned off, leaves, and he wonders what happened. He thought he was so valuable! But it was the wrong kind of value, because they didn't elicit out of her what she values first.

Eliciting Values: What Does She Want? As I reverse-engineered the process of eliciting values, I eventually came upon 8 key questions I started to ask women every time before I'd go into sharing things about myself that would make her view me as impressive and valuable. That way, I only painted myself as valuable in ways that she actually valued. When you adopt this strategy, you can save yourself a lot of wasted breath, and only show the sides of yourself that women will most relate to to them - thus becoming the kind of man they most want.

(and if you feel disappointed to not be able to share EVERYTHING about yourself right away, realize that this is only the initial courtship and mating phase - once she realizes that she likes you a lot and the two of you become lovers, you can show every side of yourself to her that you care to and she'll be a lot more open to and accepting of the whole of you than she was before the two of you were together) Here are the questions you want to ask, and why you want to ask them:

1. “Is that what you want to do forever?” The reason you ask this - about her career, or her planned career, if she's in school - is to find out how ambitious she is. If she wants an ordinary 9-to-5 job for the rest of her life and you start talking about your dream of someday having your own lunar colony, you're going to lose her. Conversely, if she tells you she wants to be the governor of Oklahoma and you tell her you'd be happy to spend the rest of your life fixing vacuum cleaners, you'll lose her there too. Find out how deep her ambitions go - then relate to her on them. 2. “Have you traveled much, or do you want to?” If this is anything other than an emphatic "yes!" then you want to avoid the subject of travel like a plague. Some women find the idea of travel intoxicating and alluring - if this is the case, they'll make this clear as day the instant you ask about it, trust me. Then you're free to talk about traveling all you like and they'll view you as a man of romance and mystery. If, on the other hand, they think travel is weird and unusual and don't understand why anyone would want to do it, if you start talking about how well-traveled you are, guess what: now YOU'RE weird and unusual and unable to be understood! So, it's very important you broach this subject lightly first - and direct your conversation accordingly. 3. “When you've got free time, what do you do?” Let's say you play video games, work out at the gym, and take salsa lessons. If she plays video games and you talk to her about working out, she's going to think you're a big dumb jock and potentially out of her league. If she takes dance lessons, and you talk about video games, she's going to think you're a nerd. If she's a fitness nut and you talk about dance, she's going to think you're not serious about your body. Find out what she does with her free time, and talk about the most related things that you do, leaving the unrelated things out of the discussion altogether. If all her activities are boring, just get off this topic ASAP. No need for you to relate to her on boring stuff and convince her that you're every bit as boring as her. Boring people don't want to be around other boring people, they want people who can bring a little enthusiasm (that they can relate to) into their lives. 4. “Ever go on any crazy adventures?” This one's all about finding out how much of a thrill seeker she is. Generally speaking, the more of a thrill seeker she is, the bigger the green light you'll have to get sexual, move things fast, and be direct. The less of a thrill seeker she is, the more conservatively and cautiously you'll want to take things, and the less you'll want to talk about your own crazy adventures (and the more toned-down you'll want them to sound if you do). One exception: the girl who acts really bored at this question, like it's a big joke. THIS girl you can get sexual with and move faster on than almost anyone... as soon as you start picking up a relaxed "don't give a crap" attitude from a girl, that's a green light to move fast and be direct, because she doesn't like or tolerate longwinded conversations or much beating around the bush.

5. “How far do you usually plan ahead?” The reason you ask this is to gauge her reaction. If she starts going into some detailed answer on her long-term planning, she's analytical and methodical, which means you need to take more time with her, really break down what she's looking for in a man, and be that. If she acts confused or annoyed at the question, she's kind of ditzy; just change the topic. If she laughs and says proudly that she DOESN'T plan ahead, she's a thrill seeker who lives for the moment - so you'll want to generate excitement, fun, and a thrilling ending for your date. 6. “What was your childhood like?” This is another chance to find out more about her was she a good student and a bookworm (in which case, she's most open to a captivating, romantic seducer who can bring to life the fantasies she read about so many times as a girl); was she a tomboy and troublemaker (in which case, you want to be more blunt and direct with her, and talk about some of the trouble YOU used to get in); did she have a rough childhood (in which case she needs a man to SAVE her, but you don't want to go overboard on this or she'll want to suck you into a long-term platonic savior role; instead, offer her words of condolence in an almost neutral voice tone to show you understand without becoming an emotional tampon). 7. “What do you think of me so far?” This gets you her feedback on you, and helps you gauge where you're at - she'll tell you things she likes (you'll want to amplify them throughout the remainder of the conversation, with subtlety), things she doesn't understand (you'll want to avoid them for the remainder of the conversation), or she may tease you or flirt with you (if there's a sexual vibe there, it's time to take her home). 8. “And is that good?” Ask her this after anything she says about you that's she doesn't attach a clear value judgment to (e.g., "Well, you're incredibly ambitious" when she hasn't mentioned whether she's ambitious herself or not yet). Remember to pay attention to her emotion, not her words ("Yeah, that's pretty good," said with unenthusiastic tones mean, "Not for me," whereas, "I think it's great," said with very warm tones means she likes it a LOT), and use this feedback to adjust accordingly. You'll notice I left a few things out, specifically: • • • •

“What kind of guys do you date?” “What was your last boyfriend like?” “Think you'll ever settle down?” “What's the longest relationship you've ever had?”

I've tested these and many other varieties, but they all tend to lead to the woman feeling like it's a higher-pressure "relationship evaluation" type date, where you're respecting her for how satisfactory she is as a relationship partner, or, conversely, what she looks for in a relationship partner. These questions cause her to slow down and place you in the prospective boyfriends bin. For that reason, I find it's generally better to NOT talk about relationships at all during an interaction with a woman, and simply get to know what she's looking for in men indirectly through the 8 questions I outlined above.

That way, you as the conversationalist get your answer to "what does she want?" without having to actually come out and tell her you're trying to find out what she wants. All that's left for you after that then is for you to simply become it. Here's to being the mirror. Chase Amante Hey Prince, I think I understand the confusion. I probably should've been clearer on the tone / context you use that one in. The way you'll use this one is actually quite different from, "Tell me what you're after," because what you're doing with that one is A) handing her the power to decide where the interaction goes, and B) communicating to her that you don't know what she wants, which means you're not in control and don't really get her. So you want to avoid that one. To picture how to use "What do you think of me?" properly, imagine you're talking to a really gorgeous, sexy woman. The conversation's gone on for some time, and it's become quite a close conversation... and she's firmly in control. At this point, you know you're not calling the shots... all you can do is HOPE she likes you as much as you like her. Then, at a particularly intense and intimate moment in the conversation, when she's got you going on and on about your opinions on something (women, life, etc.), she leans across the table, stares you in the eyes, and says, in the most sultry voice you can imagine, "And what do you think of ME?" You stutter and stumble a bit, not quite sure what to say. What do you SAY to that? You sit there and mumble something out about what you like about her... and at that point you know she's won. She's TOTALLY in control. She's making you tell her what you like about her, and you know she doesn't even CARE what you like about her. She OWNS you. That's the kind of impact you're looking to give women with that question. It needs to be used deep in conversation, and it needs to be used when you have her going on and on about what she thinks about things. When she's starting to feel like, "Wow, I am talking WAY too much... I'm totally trying to impress him!" Then you just drop that one like a bomb and cement the fact that yes, she wants you and you're in charge. Occasionally, even if you time it perfectly, she'll take it in stride, and her reaction gives you a lot to go off of - if she's flirty and sexy about it, you know she knows the game, and she's enjoying it, too. If she's kind of awkward and non-sexual, but not nervous about it, then either the magic is fading or you didn't screen her properly enough for attraction early on and are talking to a girl who isn't all that into you.

However it goes though, a lot of times you can use this one as a coup de grace on the conversation and really hammer home the point that you're running the show - which is the kind of thing that most women dream of experiencing with a man, but many never do. Cheers, Chase

Hi Anon, Heh. Tough corner to squeeze out of, right? The preferred way of responding to this (in my opinion) is maintaining steady eye contact with her, crinkling up your nose, and saying, with a mischievous tone, "You're all right. [pause] What do YOU think of ME?" This way, rather than buckle on the tough question, you tease her back, implying that you like her (since you're flirting), then follow that up with a challenge. Another way, if you're not quite able to capture the right spirit for that one, is to simply toss it back to her and change it from an emotionally-charged question into a logical one: "Well, that depends. Do you mean your personality, your life plans, the way you drink your coffee... what do you want an opinion on?" That sucks the wind out of her sails and puts the steering wheel of the conversation back in your hands. Chase Hey Jo, I assume you mean regarding girls you slept with, both ones that happened quickly and ones that took a long time, right? Women tend to have mixed feelings about men they sleep with quickly. Often they think, "Oh, he's not a quality guy at ALL!" which is why they slept with the guy right away, instead of making him wait. But, at the same time, they ALSO think, "Wow, he is a WAY more powerful guy than those other guys I've been with who had to chase me for months... this guy got me in one date!" Which one a woman chooses often depends on what she wants. When she's at a place in her life where she isn't as concerned with "settling down," she'll opt for more powerful and attractive every time. If it took a guy a long time to get with her, he's already starting off on the wrong foot, and he's also probably far more invested in her than she is in him at that point, leading to a

value imbalance (she's more dominant in the relationship than she is, leading to declining attraction from her to him). So she'll lose interest and opt to pursue a more exciting man. Once women enter "settle down mode" though, this reverses, and they begin auto-rejecting the exciting guys. These women actually become more likely to leave guys they slept with quickly, assuming right away that they aren't long term material, and look to land a guy who's invested in them and pursued them for a while. (incidentally, most of the "Screw you for learning / teaching pickup!" female commenters this and other sites get are these girls in auto-rejection toward "exciting" men; the ones who aren't in settle down mode either think it's "cool" or they don't care). On understanding why attraction expires quickly for men, but not for women: think of women as being in a race against the clock, where they've basically got to find the best choice they can get and hold onto before time's up (they become unable to reproduce / they become so old that they struggle to land quality men anymore). They need to keep moving, and can't hold on to men who won't deliver on one aspect of what they need or another. Men who can't execute on the most basic aspects of mating (e.g., actually mating with them) get discarded quickly and get little consideration, simply because they don't have time. For a better example, imagine two tribes of women living 40,000 years ago; the women of one tribe spend years pining after every man they get feelings for who don't want them or won't put out; the other tribe of women very quickly moves on and replaces their men. Which tribe of women is more likely to reproduce before menopause sets in, and thus pass on its genes to the women who exist today? Clearly, the one that maximizes its ability to reproduce with the highest quality male it can get and hold onto in the window of time it has to look around. Men don't have this consideration. In fact, for men, it doesn't make sense to move on... a man could date one girl, break up with her, date others, still get back together with the first one, or even date 3 or 4 women at once - and reproduce with them ALL. The MAN's optimal mating strategy is to try to maximize his number of concurrent mating partners, so long as he has the resources to support his children with all of them, and not move on from ANY of them. It's a big part of why women do most of the breaking up and most of the divorcing. Men aren't the ones (usually) who get unhappy and strike off in search of a new partner, and men also aren't the ones (usually) who move on quickly to find someone else right away to have in a relationship. Women are, because they can only mate with one male at a time, and time is always their enemy. Chase Howdy Garrett, My apologies for anything confusing. Feel free to let me know if something doesn't click. I don't remember ever saying that bright colors didn't get me much attention; could be you're misremembering what I had to say in the peacocking article?

What I said in that one was:

“Sexy requires a sense of style. Fashion sense. It requires a man to be able to put an outfit together, and not simply throw the brightest, flashiest elements he can find together and hope to maximize his ability to attract attention.”

Which is not to say bright colors don't work; it's simply that there's more to fashion than simply wearing colors that pop. It's been my experience that wearing a bright red color will get you a lot of attention, however, and I've had friends who've had great luck with this and there's even research backing it up now too. But you want it to be tastefully done; say, a bright red shirt with a dark colored jacket. With regards to this article, what specifically had you confused? Re: conservative girls and getting intimate quickly, you've got a couple of questions there: 1. If she says she's conservative / wants to take things slowly: dismiss this quickly with a, "Cool, cool," or a, "Yeah, sure," and move on with the conversation. Actually conservative girls don't say they're conservative or say they want to take things slowly; they're too conservative to think or talk about sex in the first place. They won't even want to broach the topic and hope you won't either, and they'll be very nervous when sex comes up, not firm. So if she's talking about how conservative she is or how slowly she wants to take things, take it as something to be ignored and continue on as usual; it's a front designed to raise her relationship value. 2. How do you know what a woman wants based on what she says? You don't; you go based off of what she doesn't say. One woman might tell you she wants to hop in bed with you like crazy, but no matter what you try you will never bed her. Another girl might tell you she's dying for you to just come be her boyfriend; and yet, she'll keep dodging your date invitations. Another will tell you she takes things slowly and NEVER has sex on the first date and that you better not push things too hard or you'll loser her; a few hours into your first date, you're lovers. Never listen to words; listen to actions, behavior, voice tones, and subtexts. Best way for knowing where a girl's at: escalate things with her. Move her. You'll know exactly where she's at based off of her responses. A woman's words are not to be believed; but her reactions to your leadership, even with those women who are exceptionally talented with men, will never mislead you. Cheers, Chase

Employing the Cold Read to Unlock Women's Secrets

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 16 August 2011

I had a date Friday night with a young television anchor for one of the big TV stations in China and Hong Kong. Things started out innocently enough -- she put me in the hot seat early on, treating me almost like how I imagine she must treat her interviewees, asking me lots of questions and making it feel like an interview -but I soon wrested control of the flow of conversation, and pretty soon things were going swimmingly. I used something known as the cold read to do it. Before you knew it we were well into a deep dive, her telling me all about her past relationships and what she thinks the purpose of life is and what she really wants (children, namely). And it all happened, despite a little while of me being there in the hot seat, more or less effortlessly. Even not so long ago, I struggled with transitioning into "real" conversation when I was facing women who were professional "talkers" -- reporters, saleswomen, any kind of gal who spoke effusively for a living. The problem was, women like that tend to snap into these routines of making their pitch or going into interview mode, and it can be hard to snap them out of it. What I ended up returning to to solve this dilemma was something I've developed slowly -almost unconsciously -- over the past half decade: cold reading. It's largely because of cold reading that I had this girl who was so used to steering the conversation instead drinking in every moment with me, and by extension it's largely because of cold reading that I had this girl telling me how she'd drank too much (after a mere two drinks, spread across 2 1/2 hours) and all but announcing that I should invite her home to make some bad decisions.

There's a Good Reason Why Psychics Cold Read I used to hear a few guys here and there saying they used cold reading to good effect on women, and I thought it was kind of silly and pointless. You mean, stuff like telling her she acts tough on the outside, but on the inside actually she's a real softie and really just a little girl wanting to be taken care of? Eh, I'd rather have a real conversation with a gal, I thought. Somehow or other though, cold reading gradually worked its way into my conversations regardless. I think it was a decision I made some time ago. Back when I was first hitting the clubs regularly, I met a girl in line one night and struck up a very brief conversation. She was Asian, and she had a very slight accent. At the time, I'd been trying my best to see if I could differentiate different races of people (e.g., French from German, Chinese from Japanese), so I decided to guess with her. "You must be Thai," I remarked. Her eyes got huge. "How did you know that?!" she exclaimed. "Oh my God, how did you know that?!!" She turned to her friends. "This guy knew I'm from Thailand! I don't even have an accent anymore," she said in surprise (I still caught a slight accent, anyway). She then went on to ask my name, and even as her friends pulled her away, she kept dropping by throughout the night to chat me up. It was that night I made a decision to make calculated guesses every so often in my conversations with women. Guesses about their ages; guesses about their races or countries of national origin; guesses about their backgrounds and personal histories. My theory was, the more often I made guesses, the more feedback I'd get on whether I was guessing right or not, and the more refined my ability to correctly guess things about people would become. And, over time, I did indeed get better and better at making informed presumptions. I didn't do it often enough that I could pass for psychic by any stretch of the imagination, mind you, but I did get good enough that I could make little guesses here and there about things and often be correct. For instance, that a girl was a daddy's girl, or that she was an eldest child. But, along the way, I made a few fascinating discoveries about the way these things tend to work, too -- and it changed the way I eventually ended up using cold reading in my interactions.

Surprising Notes on How Cold Reading Works As it turns out, cold reading has some rather intriguing ways of working on people. They end up making it even more useful for getting to know a girl than you might suppose. I'll list them out here. 1. People forget inaccurate cold reads when they like you. You probably might also call this confirmation bias. I had a boss and mentor point out to me once how most people, when you tend to admire someone, you tend to think they do everything great, and when you dislike someone, on the other hand, you tend to think they can't do anything right. Well, this holds true for cold reads, too. If you're doing a good job connecting with a girl, and she likes you and feels like you're getting her, she'll tend to forget the odd cold read here and there that's off the mark. It's funny, but it works that way. What this means is, you're able to use cold reading sporadically throughout an interaction, and you shouldn't fret too much about whether your reads will be right or not, because if you're doing everything else well, the missed reads won't hurt much at all. In other words, if she feels like you're really "getting" her, she isn't going to think less of you if you tell her you bet she was an only child and she tells you instead that she has four siblings, provided you continue connecting with her afterward. 2. Cold reads that work, often work big. When you tell a girl something about herself she assumed you must not know, it's a bit of a shock to the system. Remember that people really want to meet someone who "gets" them, but people also assume that when they meet a stranger, he probably won't get them... at least not right off the bat. A strong, correct cold read or two, though, tells a woman you do get her, and it forces her to reassess how well you know her and get her internally. Instantly, she feels that you know her a lot better than she thought you did the moment before the cold read. Even if logically she knows you just made a lucky guess, she still ends up being wowed subconsciously. 3. Nobody does this. It'd be a lot less impressive to people if everyone got good with people and was able to go around and cold read things about one another. But virtually no one does this, which is why it remains a novelty, and why it makes such a huge splash with people you've just met. You can even use it in relationships. I cold read girlfriends all the time; sometimes I'm wrong, and they correct me, and we go on our merry way, but other times I'm right, and then they stop, stare, and exclaim, "How did you know that?!" And I smile, and tell them I know everything (I like teasing girls).

The biggest advantage of cold reading is its cost-benefit. The cost to you of an incorrect cold read is pretty low -- she tells you you're wrong, and then tells you what the actual truth is. Cool, now you know more about her and the two of you have connected more. But the benefit of a correct cold read can be huge. Cold reads that are on the mark can really propel an interaction forward -- they can take women who were closed off, with their walls up, and just knock those walls flat to the ground and get those women connecting with you as fast as they can. It can be pretty amazing to see it work. Because of this, I tend to view cold reading as one of those skills that's peripheral to the critical path of a seduction -- it's not moving a girl, and it's not building the actual connection with her, and it's not getting physical with her, etc. -- but when properly employed, it can play a solid role in moving things forward. At times, it can even be a game changer. But how do you cold read? Well, as it turns out, it isn't as hard as you might think. And best of all, you don't even have to be able to read minds to pull it off.

How to Cold Read Like Your Name Was Miss Cleo Like all things social (heck, all things period), cold reading is one of those skills that you get better at with time. Put another way, the sooner you get started playing around with this with the women you meet, the sooner you're going to become ace at using it. But before you dive in, I'll share with you a few of the secrets of cold reading I've picked up over the years as I've done it... 1. Pay attention. This is the first and most important rule to cold reading: you've got to pay attention to what a woman's telling you, both with her words and with her nonverbals. You arrive at the educated guesses that are cold reads by drawing conclusions from what she tells you about herself, and you discern whether you're right or wrong and whether to continue by reading her nonverbals (are her eyes widening? You're right. Is she getting a skeptical look? You're not right) and by listening to what she feeds back to you. Most guys are too focused on themselves and what they're doing, and not as focused on what women are telling them verbally and otherwise. This is especially true for beginners -- it's often too hard for a guy who's still figuring out how to present himself to women to juggle that and paying attention to reading their signals. For that reason, I'd peg cold reading as being primarily for intermediate guys and greater -- the guys for whom the game's slowed down and they're able to think a few steps ahead and pay attention to what's going on around them, instead of just being there in the moment and focused on what they're doing. 2. Link your cold reads to sentiments she's conveyed. Not only does this make it feel a lot more natural than you randomly belting out a cold read (like telling her, "I get the feeling you're a pretty romantic person," right in the middle of her talking about her friend's wedding, but she hasn't mentioned anything anywhere near being emotional or sentimental whatsoever), but it's a lot more likely to get agreement. For instance, she tells you she grew up with a dog, and then talks about what a sweet puppy he was and how he was her closest friend as a child. At that point, you say, "You must be a real animal person. I bet you have a great deal of compassion for people in general, too," and she's probably going to agree with you there, and you can then take that thread down a lot of different and revealing avenues conversationally. 3. Drop it when you're wrong. You don't want to be one of those guys where the girl says, "Actually, I'm not really all that assertive at all," and he goes, "No. Come on, that's not true -- you're totally assertive... right? You strike me so much like you'd be that way!" and she goes, "Nope. Not assertive at all," and he goes, "Man..." What that guy's doing is getting hung up on topics, a big mistake in any kind of conversation, but especially when the topic he's hung up on is one that highlights an

instance of him failing to connect. Instead, the instant she starts refuting you, just drop it without trying to fight it. So you say "You must be a super-assertive person." and she says "Actually, I'm not really all that assertive at all." then, you look a little surprised, and say "Oh wow, really? Hmm. What kind of a person are you then?" Which also brings us to a corollary for this rule: show interest in getting to know her better when a cold read is wrong. Cold reads are, really, all about communicating that you get her and building a stronger connection; so when you're wrong, have her tell you about herself instead. Follow up an incorrect cold read with, "Well then what are you?" or, "Okay, fair enough. How do you deal with those kinds of situations then?" or something to that effect, and you'll keep moving in a positive direction, rather than ending up flummoxed by a failed cold read. 4. Play it down when you're right. Now, when you hit a cold read on the mark, there's a chance she may become really excited, asking you how you know that or even telling you you've already got her all figured out. At this point, you just want to stay calm and play it off like it was nothing. The man who wins a race who's never won before jumps up and down and screams and yells and acts like a fool. But the man who wins a race he's won twenty times before just smiles and shrugs and goes on with things. You should be that second man in everything you do that goes well. 5. Take risks. Being good at cold reading really is about having enough experience guessing things about people that you get good at guessing -- to the point where it isn't guessing at all, and is more you simply knowing what different kinds of people do and think and what their backgrounds are like. Like, a girl tells me she's studying Italian, and I smile and say, "You had an Italian boyfriend, didn't you?" I'm not always going to be right, but about 80% of the time I am, because a lot of people, and especially a lot of women, end up learning languages after they had a good experience with a member of the opposite sex from a country that speaks that language. And I know that just from talking to enough people and asking them things like this that I picked up on these patterns.

When you start employing cold reading as a regular part of your repertoire, you'll find you quickly start blowing past the walls women have constructed -- even with the women most experienced at constructing those walls and keeping you in the hot seat. Knowing how to cold read is one of those skills you might not ever think to develop just for the sake of developing it -- but if you make it a point to every now and then make an educated guess about women you're talking to, and put it out there to find out if you're right or not, in time you can come to be extremely adept at telling people about themselves after knowing just a little about them. It's an impressive ability, and one that allows you to bond with women faster than you could without a neat technique like the cold read. So yeah, there's a reason why psychics use this -- because it works. I'll talk to you again soon. Yours, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Hey bro, Very cool to hear I've been able to help a good deal. You normally want to avoid cold reading until a girl is opened up to you at least somewhat and engaged with conversation with you. If you try cold reading and she hasn't really opened yet or is pulling away, the effects are going to opposite what was talked about in this post -- if you're right, she'll shrug it off as an inconsequential lucky guess, and if you're wrong she'll be even more convinced that you don't get her. Instead of trying to cold read, use some of the techniques from "The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back;" that should help you do better with turning things around with a gal who's pulling away. Cheers, Chase

osted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 18 August 2011

Hey brother, you're welcome. On the mainstream guys, depends on who you're talking about, but yeah. Ross is the guy who kicked off the original pick up movement, so I think everyone who's reading and studying this stuff online today has got to be a little grateful to him. And Neil's the guy who took pick up out of the shadows and brought it to a far more mainstream audience than it previously had been open to, so he's played a big role in the evolution of the community as well. I don't stay too terribly up-to-date on who's doing what or whom or getting how many girls or this or that, though last I heard both Neil and Paul (Ross) were in monogamous relationships -so cool for them. I've never been too adept at monogamy, so I give them a nod for their willpower on keeping it exclusive. Could I beat them in a pick up contest? Hard to say. I haven't met either of them, let alone seen their game, but of the well known cats I have met, they've all been pretty solid, likeable guys, so a contest might be one of those "maybe, maybe not" types of scenarios. e.g., there's a few cute girls who're really down for it that night -- who meets one of them first and gets her out of there first? I don't know if either of those cats are closers, or if they prefer grabbing phone numbers and following up later, but if a guy's a closer, that erases a lot of the variance of how smooth he is. All you really need to be good at this is being likable enough, and pushing for the close. Being a closer is the great equalizer in pick up, since most guys aren't. Cheers, Chase

Showing Interest and Keeping It

by Chase Amante Thursday, 28 October 2010

Back when I first got into learning to get better with girls, one of the things I recall really struggling with was communicating to women I was interested in them. As I watch most newer guys, they seem to consistently have as much difficulty with this concept as I used to. There’s one of two ways it usually goes with guys who struggle with this: •

Guy tells girl she’s beautiful and he digs her, shows all his cards, and she thinks to herself, “I’ve got this guy; it’s too easy,” his value falls too low, and she loses interest



Guy plays it too cool for school, trying to protect all his cards, and she thinks to herself, “He isn’t interested in me,” his attainability falls too low, and she loses interest

Ouch. Neither of those are to a man’s advantage in the dating game. Show all your cards and lose a girl; do too good a job protecting those cards, and lose her that way too. But it doesn’t actually have to be one of those extremes (full disclosure) versus the other (full non-disclosure). Instead, as always, I’ll stress this credo: balance in all things. The way we want to handle this aspect of your interaction with a woman is we want you showing a little of your interest – and doing it in a way that makes a girl feel like she’s

legitimately got a shot. At the same time though, we want you holding on to some of your cards – we aren’t showing all of them. Just enough to whet her appetite and get her chasing. ~~~~~~~~~~

Showing Interest the Wrong Way Probably the worst thing a man can do when it comes to showing interest in a woman is showing too much interest. Whenever I hear men in bars or on the street telling women they don’t know things like, “Wow, you’re beautiful!” I slap myself on the forehead. First off, if a woman is beautiful, she knows it. Trust me. She’s been hearing how beautiful she is her entire life, and there’s nothing new or surprising or revealing when Random Stranger #1448 comments in a stunned voice about how beautiful she is. Telling a woman who’s beautiful that she’s beautiful is like telling her she’s a woman. “Wow, you’re a woman!” She knows that already. I’m not sure what these guys telling women they’re beautiful hope to accomplish, but it ends up feeling like a desperate attempt from a man who has no idea what he’s doing to get a girl. This works occasionally, but only with women who aren’t beautiful. Because they aren’t beautiful, occasionally one of them will be flattered and will appreciate the compliment she so infrequently gets. But even then, most women recognize this for what it is: a weak, poorly thought-out attempt to get in their pants. Second, acting stunned by a woman’s beauty is death for attraction in such a big way. Women want men who will be comfortable around them and treat them like regular people – not goddesses from on high. But men who aren’t around beauty that much (or ever) – like the ones who act stunned and amazed by it – are going to be the ones who treat them like special princesses and place them on a pedestal. And if there’s one man that almost everyone hates, and absolutely everyone holds no respect for, it’s the one who places them on a pedestal. Because, by the very nature of his actions, the man who places women on pedestals communicates to them that they are above him, and he is beneath them. And women don’t want men who are beneath them. So, acting stunned and amazed by a woman’s beauty is out. It’s just bad form, and it sucks attraction away from all women except those who believe they’re lower in value than you. The other thing that makes me sad to see in men is when a guy never expresses interest in a girl. A guy will spend ten minutes talking to her, she’ll be really into him, and then nothing further happens. The girl decides the guy was just being sociable by talking to her, rather than being romantically or sexually interested in her, and she decides she doesn’t want to spend any more of her time on a guy who’s just being sociable and isn’t going to do anything with her. So she leaves.

Why do guys do this? Typically, it’s because they’re gun-shy and uncertain about when to pull the trigger and communicate their interest to a woman. That’s fair. But it’s heavily counterproductive, for one simple reason: women won’t make the first move. Or even the second or third move, most of the time. Making moves is up to you, the man. You’re the man, you must lead. But guys who are gun-shy don’t make this (verbal) move, and women assume they aren’t interested and move on.

Showing Interest the Right Way So we’ve established that falling all over oneself on account of a woman’s looks is not the key to women’s hearts. Nor is playing it too cool and not showing interest at all. Obviously then, we must have to walk some line in the middle between the two. But where is that line? Here’s where the line is: communicating to women that you like them and are interested, while at the same time communicating that that’s not a big deal and it’s not something you’re going to go crazy over and do foolish things and pedestalize her and worship the ground she walks on like those desperate guys and those guys unaccustomed to beauty do. You’re not desperate – you have options, and you’re used to beauty. Beautiful women are an everyday thing for you. You still appreciate women’s beauty – that’s very important; you don’t completely ignore it. But you appreciate it the way a man appreciates a painting in an art gallery, with very calm, objective comments. You make calm, objective statements admiring certain elements of that beauty, and noting why they appeal to you. e.g., I love your hair. It’s so long and flowing and silky; it looks fantastic. You can also throw some chase frames in there. Basically, you word a statement of interest in such a way that a woman feels your interest, but also gets a subtle feeling that she is pursuing you. An example: You’re really quite cute. Wow. I mean, don’t get any ideas now, you need to wine and dine me a lot before we doing anything crazy. But just saying. That is a very strong statement of interest. It accomplishes a bunch of things in one shot: it lets her know you’re interested, and so gets her recognizing she has a shot to make something happen with you; it shows her you’re far more seasoned and accomplished than the men who catcall, “You’re beautiful!” to her; it seeds the idea in her mind that you are not so easy to get (particularly not so much as many of the other men she meets) and that she will have to put some effort into getting you; and it gets her laughing with a bit of wit thrown in for good measure. In other words, one hell of a one-two punch for building attraction and intrigue while at the same time showing some interest. So between the calm, specific compliment, and the chase frame interest, you see, you can show interest without showing all your cards. You can show interest and not only keep it, but grow it. It’s just all in the presentation.

The 4 Kinds of Girls and Which Ones YOU Should Go For

by Chase Amante Thursday, 24 January 2013

One of the series I introduced on here a while back - only to ever do two real articles in it was on girl types... some of the different kinds of girls, that is. We've had some requests to do more articles like these, and I wanted to put together one here that's a primer of the four basic varieties of women you'll run into - and which type is best for you. What's the use of something like this? Won't you magically happen into a relationship with the woman of your dreams, if you're out there long enough meeting large enough quantities of women? Personally, I'm more a believer in having a set of logical guidelines, and then running your emotions on top of that, rather than just letting emotions run wild and hoping for the best. Having rules for selecting the right girlfriends (see: "Find the Right Girl;" "Choosing the Right Qualities in a Woman") tends to lead you to superior women as mates. Emotion is what first draws you to them, but logic helps you screen them (and screen out the other women you're emotionally drawn to who don't match your criteria). Put more simply, especially when it comes to weird, ephemeral topics like dating and mate selection that are taboo to discuss anywhere in polite society, knowing stuff gives you advantages. And the "stuff" I want to get you knowing today consists of the four basic varieties of women.

Of course, there are a variety of different girl types we can branch out into as we get more complex in our definitions and look at more nuanced variations of the different varieties of women; we've covered two of these types on here already: • •

Club Queens, and Shy Excited Girls

For our purposes today though, we're going to be looking at a more elemental kind of woman the kind from which all other kinds spring out of. These are our four most basic types of women. I've boiled them down to just two traits, one learned, and one not: 1. Softness/Strength 2. Inexperienced/Experienced On a matrix, that works out like this:

I'll define both axes of that matrix here.

Softness/Strength Softness/strength is what side of the spectrum a girl naturally fall upon with her base personality type. Is she soft, quiet, and nice? Or strong, loud, and assertive?

This, of course, is not an "either-or" type of thing. No real absolutes in the real world. But, roughly, line-drawing-wise, you can more or less cut the kinds of women down the middle and throw them into two camps: • •

The soft ones The strong ones

And that isn't to say that a woman can't be soft in disposition, but strong in constitution. Nor is to say an assertive woman is incapable of tempering herself and assuming a more ladylike demeanor. For our purposes, we're defining softness and strength here as these: •



Soft Women: these are the women who tend to be more passive, more yielding, who are more accepting of being led by others (men or women), more open to being commanded, more likely to be humble, quiet, and retreating, and less likely to cause drama, cause a stir, or get offended at most things. If there's a problem in the relationship, soft women are more likely to sit on it and trust or hope that you notice it and resolve it. Strong Women: these are the women who tend to be more aggressive, more steadfast, who are more likely to rebel against the leadership of others (men or women), more likely to resist commands, more likely to be confident, loud, and assertive, and more likely to cause drama, cause a stir, and get offended by things. If there's a problem in the relationship, strong women are more likely to quickly bring it to the forefront and ask you to address it.

Most cultures the world over encourage their women to be soft kinds of girls. In the more feminist-leaning cultures (e.g., Scandinavia, the English-speaking world, etc.), this tends to be reversed, and the encouragement is for women to be strong. I tend to believe this is more in-born than anything else, although socialization and acculturation can lend an edge or take one off. My personal preference is for strong women. I run slipshod over soft women, and they get hurt too easily around me. I'm a pretty empathetic guy, but I also get caught up in whatever I'm devoting my time to, and being considerate at all times is not a strong suit for me. Among most of the men I talk to, the preference seems to be soft women. Even a lot of the men I know who are very good with women still prefer soft women. I'll explore why this is a little later in this article.

Inexperienced/Experienced Again, like softness/strength, inexperienced/experienced is not black and white. A girl who's very experienced to one man comes across like a naïve amateur to another. A lot of that is based on the man's experience; the more experienced a man is with women, the more

women will begin to seem relatively inexperienced to him, and the less experienced he is, the more they will appear. Here, our two camps are: • •

The inexperienced ones, and The experienced ones

For our purposes, we're defining these two traits thusly: •

Inexperienced Women: inexperienced women are less seasoned in the ways of



romance, dating, sex, and men. They believe more in love, have fewer walls up against others and are more easily influenced and led, are more trusting, have less emotional baggage from negative previous encounters, and are less certain of exactly what they want and don't want. Experienced Women: experienced women are more seasoned in the ways of romance, dating, sex, and men. They believe less in love, have more walls up against others and are more difficult to influence and lead, are more skeptical of others' intentions, have more emotional baggage from negative previous encounters, and are more certain of exactly what they want and don't want.

There's a bit of a cultural double-standard when it comes to experience levels in women. Cultures both normally dislike the "facts" of an experienced women (i.e., she's dated around a lot, slept around a lot, and known many men), but love the "presentation" of an experienced woman (i.e., she's charming, svelte, confident, composed, measured, worldly, cosmopolitan, talented with people, etc.). You'll frequently see cultures discouraging women from becoming experienced, but lauding those women who are... so long as it isn't explicitly communicated that those women are, that is. As discussed in the article on roughly identifying how many partners a woman has had, there are some very real reasons why cultures dissuade women from becoming experienced (i.e., with each new sexual partner, a woman's infidelity risk increases 7%, and infidelity leads to broken families, lowered productivity levels, and less successful children, which on a large enough scale slow down and undermine the culture at large). However, just as you become more experienced with women, you also become more attractive to them, the same is true for women. As a woman becomes more experienced with men, she tends to become better at dating, seducing, captivating, and maintaining relationships with them as well.

If you're like most men reading this post, you're already sitting there saying, "I want one of the inexperienced girls!" and there's a pretty good chance what you're saying is, "I want the soft inexperienced girl!" Well, wait just a second there. You might think you know what kinds of girls you want... but do you? The research says "no." Have a look - from a paper entitled "Do advertised preferences predict the behavior of speed daters?" by Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania's Department of Psychology, and Jason Weeden of Arizona State University's Department of Psychology:

“Because researchers are making increasing use of data gleaned from Internet dating

sites, it is important to know if the preferences people specify in Internet advertisements predict the choices that they actually make. HurryDate, a commercial speed-dating firm, collected data from over 10,000 people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who participated in speed-dating events in cities across the United States. The present analysis compared these speed daters’ advertised preferences with their decisions to attend particular events and their choices of potential partners at the events they attended. Findings indicated that speed daters’ advertisements reflect frequently replicated sex differences and assortative patterns and that these advertised mate preferences predicted their decisions to attend particular events. Advertised preferences did not, in contrast, substantially predict decisions within events. These results support the conclusion that advertised preferences predict behavior in the mating domain in some contexts but not others.”

That is to say, if you say you really like charismatic blondes, you'd be more likely to attend Scandinavian Speed Dating Night than you would Japanese Speed Dating Night or West African Speed Dating Night, but once you got there you might hit it off with a demure brunette a lot more than you did any of the charismatic blondes present. The choices people actually make often have little correlation with the preferences they claim to have.

Therefore, most of the time when people tell me they know exactly what they want, I call tomfoolery on their logical brain's part. That's what your logical brain thinks. But when it comes to love at first sight, mating, pair bonding, and sexual excitement, your logical brain doesn't have a whole lot of say. That's your emotional brain's domain there - and let's look at how that picks mates.

What's the Research Have to Say? Softness/strength and inexperienced/experienced are two separate dimensions on attractiveness, and this is where things start getting hazy and anecdotal, so let's see how science weighs in. Here's what science has to say on experience. From "Effects of Premarital Sexual Standards and Behavior on Dating and Marriage Desirability:"

“This paper concerns the effects of sexual attitudes, lifetime sexual behavior, number

of coital partners, and the social context of this behavior on dating and marriage desirability. Both male and female respondents were shown to prefer moderately experienced partners, regardless of respondent's own experience level. Unlike previous research no interactions between respondent's behavior and rated person's behavior were found. No evidence for the existence of the traditional double standard was found among these young, single university students; men and women, equally, held a standard that allowed maximization of personal sexual gratification but limited that available to potential partners.”

In other words, according to this research conducted on university students in 1985, the preference is for moderately experienced partners. That is to say, not virgins, and not sex pros, either... regardless of where an individual's own experience levels lie (e.g., virgins want moderately experienced partners, and sex experts want moderately experienced partners). But remember... this is a survey, based on individual's logical preferences, not their emotional/instinctive ones. And as that research just above showed us, what people say they want, and what they actually want, are two very different things.

Another paper, this one from five years earlier in 1980 and named "Effects of Sexual Experience on Dating Desirability and Marriage Desirability: An Experimental Study," had this to say:

“An experimental investigation of the effects of the level of sexual experience of men

and women college students on their evaluations of opposite-sex peers varying in sexual experience was performed. Inexperienced men, and both inexperienced and moderately experienced women, rated highly experienced oppositesex peers as less desirable dates and marriage partners than inexperienced and moderately experienced persons. Moderately and highly experienced men and highly experienced women tended to rate all opposite-sex peers similarly along these same dimensions. The findings were discussed in terms of the acquisition and social meanings of interpersonal sexual information and the methodological differences between the present study and earlier survey investigations.”

So here we have a study that found that inexperienced men, inexperienced women, and moderately experienced women found highly experienced partners less desirable than inexperienced or moderately experienced partners, while moderately experienced men, highly experienced men, and highly experienced women rated all partners as equally desirable. Different survey. Different results.

Based on what research I've been able to locate, I think it's relatively safe to say that science hasn't yet taken much of a look on what people actually are drawn to (as opposed to what they think they're drawn to), at least in this arena. So, I'm going to rely instead on my experience in the field: my personal experience, what I've seen among countless friends, customers, and clients in this niche, and what I've seen among the countless couples of all kinds I've met over a number of years of very active socializing and meeting new people. Here's how I think this actually breaks down, when logical rules are set aside and we look at people's real preferences.

Kinds of Girls Men Want, By Kinds of Men They Are When I posted the "how many partners" article, some commenters said, "This applies to men too!" Which I completely agree with. And it's exactly the same here - that grid of softness/strength and inexperienced/experienced applies every bit to men as it does to women. Just like women, there are soft men and strong men. And just like women, there are inexperienced men and experienced ones. And from what I have seen over 7+ years of experience in this domain, I'd tell you it works like this: • • •

You can move in either direction parallel to your square and be happy If you date in your square, you'll be unhappy If you date diagonally opposite your square, you're headed for some big fights

How's this work? First, let's figure out how you rank on each of these. Do you: • • • • • •

Actively take the lead? Like to be the center of attention? Prefer the starring role to the support role? Let people know it when you're annoyed? Get accused of being cocky or overly confident sometimes? Tend to never back down when you find yourself in an argument?

If you mostly said "yes," you fall more on the "strong" side of things. If you mostly said "no," you're on the "softer" side (but you don't have to tell anybody else; and heck, you're reading my article, not me reading yours, so you know I'll never know!).

On experience, do you: • • • • • •

Consider yourself an expert on dating, sex, and relationships? Not really believe all that much in "love" or "romance?" Find it easy to resist and brush off pushy people? Consider yourself skeptical and cynical (as opposed to trusting and accepting)? Have some suspicion or other issues leftover from earlier relationships? Know exactly what you want and exactly what you don't?

If you mostly said "yes, that's me," you're closer to "experienced" than the alternative. If you went down the list going, "not really, no...," then you're closer to inexperienced. Note: this one's a little tricky, because you will sometimes meet people acting or even thinking they are something they're not here. e.g., the guy who's a virgin who acts cynical and bitter and says, "Love is one big lie!" and thinks he knows it all about dating and sex and relationships because he's well-read on the topic. The instant that guy ends up with a girl for real though, he turns into a kitten, usually. On the other hand, you have the really emotional guys who flit from lover to lover, and have tons of experience with dating and sex but will tell you, "I don't think anyone can ever truly understand a woman!" with a hint of romance and passion, believe wholeheartedly in true love (although they never seem to find it, or it never lasts for long when they do), are the very opposite of skeptical and cynical, and are largely suspicion-free. If one of those sounds like you, put yourself into the inexperienced or experienced camp based on your actual physical experience with women anyway, even though you might think you fit the characteristics of a different quadrant. The kinds of women you'll respond to will still be the same. Have a look here at how our personality types interact:

Remember, • • •

You can move in either direction parallel to your square and be happy If you date in your square, you'll be unhappy If you date diagonally opposite your square, you're headed for some big fights

The simplest way to think of this is in terms of leadership. Those work out as such: 1. Soft/inexperienced has the least leadership ability 2. Strong/experienced has the greatest leadership ability 3. Strong/inexperienced and soft/experienced are both somewhere in the middle Hand-in-hand with leadership tendencies go dominance, assertiveness, self-confidence, and more.

Good Pairings To save myself from writing out needlessly long descriptions and to save you from reading them, I'll abbreviate these as follows: • • • •

FT: Soft TR: Strong IN: Inexperienced EX: Experienced

Here are the good pairings and how they work out. 1. FT/IN with TR/IN. Both partners in this dynamic are just beginning to acquaint themselves with the world of dating and sex and relationships. The more tentative FT/IN is happy to be paired up with the bolder TR/IN, who is doing the trailblazing and exploring for the both of them, while the TR/IN appreciates having the support and encouragement of the FT/IN there learning right along with him/her and up for whatever the adventure at hand may be. The dynamic here is "partner-in-crime + exploratory partner." 2. FT/IN with FT/EX. In this setup, the FT/IN takes the FT/EX as a sort of guide and partner. Both partners here make each other feel more secure; the FT/EX is glad to have found an FT/IN, whom experience tells him/her is likely to stay supportive and loyal so long as he/she is treated well, and the FT/IN is happy to have found an FT/EX who is gentle with his/her emotions despite the experience gap, and uses that advantage in experience to anticipate the FT/IN's needs and make the kinds of romantic, thoughtful gestures the FT/IN loves. The dynamic here is "loving partner + caring partner." 3. TR/EX with FT/EX. Here, the stronger partner natural leads the softer partner, but because both are experienced the gap isn't too great. The FT/EX is experienced enough to not let his/her emotions run wild when encountering the powerful TR/EX, and astute enough to play coy and keep the TR/EX interested. The dynamic here is "powerful partner + coy partner." 4. TR/EX with TR/IN. A different dynamic with two strong personalities, the TR/IN looks upon the TR/EX as a teacher, mentor, and guide, in addition to a romantic partner. The TR/EX tends to be what the TR/IN wishes to be, and the TR/EX enjoys having a partner in crime who looks up to him/her with admiring eyes. The dynamic here is "mentor partner + student partner." If you want to be happiest in your relationships, make sure you figure out which of these four quadrants you fall in, and date women who fall into one of the two adjacent quadrants. Now let's have a look at the other possible pairings.

Bad Pairings

There are also some really bad pairings among these four quadrants, and you want to make sure you don't get stuck in any of them. 5. FT/IN with TR/EX. The dominance gap is too wide here, and the TR/EX eats up and spits out the FT/IN for breakfast without even meaning to. If you're the FT/IN in this dynamic, be prepared to have your heart crushed and torn to pieces totally by accident. If you're the TR/EX, be prepared for way more hurt feelings coming out of the FT/IN than you know what to do with, and clinginess and neediness like you wouldn't believe. 6. TR/IN with FT/EX. Rather than hurt feelings, "irritation" is the name of the game here. The FT/EX considers himself/herself more experienced and thus by default the more natural leader of the two, and very much is irritated by the misguided fits and starts and impulsive behavior of the TR/IN. Meanwhile, the TR/IN quickly ends up annoyed at the FT/EX's conservative "parenting" style toward the relationship when the TR/IN really just wants to run free and thinks the FT/EX should probably be more like him/her. Be prepared for constant power struggles and lots of frustration coming out of either quadrant. 7. FT/IN with FT/IN. This pairing of like and like leads to a whole lot of nothing, with each partner tentative, hesitant, and unsure. It's an unlikely pairing to occur, because both partners are normally too timid to initiate dating and relationships. However, if proximity happens to put two FT/INs in close contact and the two do somehow end up dating, be prepared for a relationship filled with fog, confusion, and inaction. 8. TR/IN with TR/IN. Two restless souls, a pair of TR/INs may have a brief and passionate fling, but they'll soon find themselves tugging one another in opposite directions as each rushes off to follow his or her own path of exploration and adventure. The longer these two try to stay together, the more strained things tend to become, and they usually don't last together long because of it. 9. FT/EX with FT/EX. This is another unusual mix, simply because FT/EXes tend not to be very attracted to one another. If two do end up together, they can be content, but there's a feeling of "something missing" in the relationship that neither partner can quite put a finger on. What's missing is a clear leader, and one partner that's very dominant over the other. For this relationship to survive, one of the partners must transition to TR characteristics, or the two will eventually drift apart, with reasons like, "It just didn't work out," or, "That magic something simply wasn't there." 10. TR/EX with TR/EX. What's more fearsome than a pair of T-rexes battling it out? A coupling of TR/EXes is a powder keg waiting to explode, two very dominant individuals used to controlling their spheres and everyone and everything in them, now suddenly together without a clear leader. These relationships, when they happen, tend to be brief and passionate flings, followed by equally ferocious partings. With neither partner willing to subjugate his or her will to the other, they never last long. If you end up in one of these relationships (or you've realized you're in one already), you don't necessarily have to start looking for the exit door immediately, but you might want to plan for what happens after the relationship has run its course.

How Do You Use This in Real Life? You can use these quadrants to be more aware of the kinds of girls who appeal to you most, and more quickly screen out the women you're incompatible with. If you are: •







An FT/IN, the enthusiasm and adventurousness of a TR/IN will enamor you, and the careful attentiveness and romancing of an FT/EX will allure you, but stay away from the TR/EX, who will make you wish you never started dating and turn you into a bitter man, and avoid falling for another FT/IN, as you'll find it more disappointing than anything else. A TR/IN, having an FT/IN sidekick is going to be a blast, and learning from a TR/EX mentor who's already been there and done that is going to be tremendously rewarding. But stay away from dating another TR/IN, who's going to drive you insane with the same kinds of demands on you you're accustomed to making of others, and an FT/EX, who's neither going to take the lead with you nor serve as a willing follower, and will drive you batty. An FT/EX, you'll delight in having an FT/IN to nurture and take care of, and dating a TR/EX can be exciting and rewarding. But you'll find dating another FT/EX to be rather deflating an experience, and the rambunctious but rough-edged TR/IN is only going to bother you. A TR/EX, an FT/EX will intrigue you with her wiles and charms, and a TR/IN will thrill you with her boundless energy and zest, but prepare for explosive times if you start seeing another TR/EX, and get ready to be nagged and sweetnessed-to-death by the clingy, innocent, and needy FT/IN if you end up dating her.

And that's it. All you really have to remember are two simple types: the two you get on best with. Then get out there, keep those two kinds of girls in mind, and get yourself looking for them in the real world, in the flesh. And, if you've read this far, drop me a brief line in the comments which type of girl you like the best, and what it is about her you adore. Yours, Chase Hi Jered, Normally when you see a girl you've cut contact with, it's more useful to build tension. So, give her a quick and warm, "Hi!," then keep moving / get re-immersed in whatever it is you're doing (i.e., don't engage her in small talk). When you get into a quick conversation, you defuse tension, and she's able to feel, "Ahhh, okay, that's better; he knows I'm not interested in him but we're still cool and can still be friends."

When you don't do that, tension builds, and she begins to realize that she really is cut off from your value if she isn't providing value to you that you value. She may become cold and angry if she has zero romantic/sexual interest in you and auto-rejects knowing that she can't have you as a platonic guy friend, but if she has some interest, this will be heightened as a result of the tension as she realizes you're actually a strong guy who has no problem cutting ties with people who aren't providing something he values back in return for him giving them the time and attention they value. Chase

Personality Clashes / Moving Between Quadrants Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 24 January 2013

Hey Zac, Yeah, if you're FT/EX, those TR/IN girlfriends and friends can *really* get on your nerves! It's absolutely the same for platonic friendships too, including those with other men... many of the clashes between coworkers can be categorized as clashes between these personality types. You can shift how you present yourself back and forth between soft and strong, but only temporarily. For instance, if you're soft, you can adopt a more dominant, assertive personality and move into TR/EX, but you'll slip back to FT/EX eventually if that's your normal, preferred modus operandi (and there are no outside forces pushing you to remain TR/EX). Your preferences seem to shift when you shift personality types, interestingly (you'd think your core preferences would remain). When I used to work an office job, I'd take on an FT/EX personality (it's a lot harder to act inexperienced and eager when you're not than it is to just restrain your dominance, in my experience), because I never was in a position to be the TR/EX at work and not step on my bosses' toes. I'd frequently find myself clashing with TR/INs, who'd be trying to boss me around despite their lack of skill or experience. When I'm running my own business and fully in charge though, I like TR/INs, because the dynamic has changed, and now they're in a position of being eager to learn from me and viewing me as a teacher, rather than an obstacle. A lot of it is probably based then on how others' reactions to you change as you shift quadrants, as much as it is your own preferences.

Adopting an alternate type to woo women of a quadrant you'd normally not get along with can work, but it's frequently less satisfying, probably because it's a very fleeting transition. For instance, if you shift artificially into TR/EX to sleep with a TR/IN you'll still have an urge to smack the TR/IN upside the head, and if it's to get an FT/EX, you'll still feel rather bored with her, regardless of how she feels about you masquerading in a TR/EX personality. Chase Hi Anon, It's very hard to remain in control when you're inexperienced, no matter how well-read you are or how solidly you think your boundaries are defined. Once you're actually out there playing, suddenly it's all happening fast, and you're riding on instinct for a while until your brain catches up enough that you're able to start tapping your knowledge banks of the things you've studied and learned and you're able to run more on logic than pure emotions and you start examining situations and recognizing where mistakes are happening and concocting a game plan you think you should use and execute on. If you're still young, I probably wouldn't worry too much about settling down, unless you meet a really amazing girl right out of the gates and both of you rush into things. Even then... most of the time, one of you will have enough reservations that (and it might still be difficult) you part ways to grow in experience and learn what you really want first. Chase Hey AnonThat's a good question. For identifying early on, you can look for energy levels / enthusiasm / how reserved someone is or not... TRs tend to be more open and enthusiastic, while FTs tend to be more cautious and reserved. Experience-wise, INs are a bit more curious and "fresh," while EXes are rather more focused and "been there, done that"-like. Attracting any of these types basically consists of adopting a type that they're most naturally attracted to. i.e., if you meet a girl who's TR/IN, if you act like an FT/EX she's going to run for cover, and if you act like another TR/IN she's not even going to notice you. But if you're a soft FT/IN, she may become excited and chase after you, or if you're a power-exuding TR/EX she may thrust herself upon you as a willing pupil and aspirant. Conversely, if you meet an FT/IN, being a powerful TR/EX is going to terrify her into hiding, and she won't take note of you if you're another FT/IN. But if you're a TR/IN, she'll probably be checking you out shyly and hoping you'll approach, and if you're an FT/EX she'll think you're her soul mate the instant you look at her with your soft eyes. LMR is both a product of her experience, and what role she wants you in in her life. e.g., if she's FT/IN, she doesn't know what she wants, and is likely to resist you no matter what. TR/INs are actually the least likely to resist, because they want to explore naturally and haven't learned to

appear more ladylike by resisting more yet. FT/EXes and TR/EXes have learned to use LMR to increase their mate value, and will do so with you, unless they are certain they want to sleep with you AND certain you're someone they have no chance at a future with, in which case the LMR gets dropped. Dominance and chase framing work especially well with the TRs, and relatively well with the FT/EXes. You need to dial these down a good bit with FT/INs to not make them feel overwhelmed and out of their element, however. An FT/EX enjoys these up to a point, but if it becomes too much for whatever her level of experience is, she'll begin to close off. TR/EXes have seen it all before, but they still enjoy it, since most men don't use these properly; TR/INs haven't seen it before, so it's doubly exciting for them - again, so long as they aren't overwhelmed (although their resistance to this is a bit higher than an FT/EX's). Chase

Bothersome Friends Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013

PhilWhen it’s the girl’s friends who are being disruptive, don’t try to handle it yourself. Instead, ask her to handle it, like so: “Anna, do you mind talking to Joey? He’s acting possessive and weird again.” Don’t engage the guy, just keep asking the girl to deal with it. This does two things for you: • •

It shifts the work of dealing with HER friend’s odd behavior over to her, instead of you having to deal with it, and It also shifts most of the annoyance over to her too, because she’s the one who’s having to deal with everything and figure it out

Ultimately, instead of his behavior annoying you the most, it begins annoying HER the most and starts becoming a burden to her. That’s the only way she either tells him to knock it off for good, or she starts winding down the amount of time she spends around him.

Re: Planning Pick ups Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013

Hey StudentDepends on how you’re inclined to think and feel about things, but for most guys you want to have logistics generally planned out, but don’t plan it out more than that. Just know “I’ll talk to her for one hour here, then move her here and talk for another hour, then take her back home here.” Getting too detailed can mess with your head, so best normally just to have a logistical skeleton to flesh a seduction out on. Talking to a girl over the course of the week… if you’re in school, this might work. Again, I’m really not the one to ask about high school game – while I was certainly good at getting attention and making a name for myself, I was sitting at a table by myself during high school, rather than macking on babes. Generally I’d advise not to go into connecting with a girl at all until you’re ready to close things out with her and take her to bed… but, maybe there are different rules in high school; it simply isn’t in my area of expertise (and it’s a little late for me to go back and get that expertise, too ;). If that’s working for your friend, I’d suggest sitting down with him to pick his brain a little more and figure out exactly how he sets things up and what kinds of results that gets him. On email, I stopped offering email coaching packages simply because I felt like the rate I was going to have to charge to make it worth doing was plainly and simply going to be too high for most people. Ricardus is still available via email coaching – we have a 2-email / $100 package up for him (that’s here if interested). His students tend to get some pretty solid results – worth checking out if you want some hands-on guidance. Aside from that, we have a “Journals” board on the forum that you can use for chronicling your adventures, and if you’re regularly meeting new women you can write up reports for that on the “Field Reports” board and get feedback and critique from other members. Have a look at those – you may just find what you’re looking for.

Ex-Girlfriend Crawling Back Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013

CuriosityWell, that depends on what you want. Me, I have a personal philosophy of “never go back, unless you want to get mired in the past,” but then again, I’m probably more hardcore about this stuff than most people are. I’d say if you have options with women and girls to replace her that are as good / better than her, then leave her be and let her have her relationship. My general feeling on taking girls back is, don’t do it unless you’re ready to give her whatever it is she wanted but didn’t get before. For a girl, the older she gets, the lower quality man she can get, so if you’ve tried her out once and it failed, don’t make her spend more time on you again unless you’re certain that you’re now ready to give her whatever it was she wants that she didn’t get the first time around. There are plenty of other women you can meet, and you can let her be free to go find a man who’ll give her what she wants. Otherwise, there’s a good chance you end up wasting her time, lowering her market value further, and depressing her efforts to find and land a good man. Remember, if she’s coming back to you, it’s with hope that things are going to be different this time. I’d recommend not taking her back unless you can make sure they are. You’ll learn a lot more by shedding the past and bringing a lot more new women into your life than you will by revisiting the girlfriends of Christmases past, in any event ;) Chase

FT/EX Men Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013

JohnThanks! I hope so too... ;) Thoughts on men who are FT/EX - well, depends what kinds of thoughts you mean, but personally, I like them! They make great, solid, loyal employees, friends, and partners - you don't need to spend much time coaching them on whatever it is they need to do, you can just

throw them at things and trust them to do a good job. They're a lot less likely to peel off and go do their own things and you have to train someone else later too, because they like security, and if they can find somewhere that they feel secure and satisfied and they're getting their needs met, they're generally content. In terms of whom you date, a TR/EX girl will make you feel alive, while an FT/IN girl makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Which one you prefer probably depends on where you're at with your life... e.g., if everything's going great and you're in need of some adventure, you'll probably lean TR/EX. If things are bumpier and you'd like some tranquility and peace, you'll prefer FT/IN. But, when things change, so will your preferences... though, I guess that's life, huh? Chase

How to Give Her Butterflies in Her Stomach

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Almost one year ago, a commenter named Jo asked a question in "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her" about stomach butterflies.

Here's what he had to say:

“I've heard many women say they get 'butterflies' around certain men, and that they feel 'nervous' around these guys. Somehow the thought of these guys makes these women's hearts 'flutter' and this seems to be something that (at least some) women want. I don't know if you've ever touched on this or not, but it'd be great to see an

article that goes in to the social dynamics and psychology of the 'butterflies' phenomenon. I haven't thought about this topic very deeply but off the top of my head and without any research I think the occurrence of 'butterflies' is a manifestation of one's anticipation of more good things to come. You don't know exactly what it will be but all you know (subconsciously) is...you want more! It occurs when you really like someone, and because they're unpredictable, you don't know exactly what's coming next. But you do know that usually whatever this person says or does is something that you find delightful and because of that you anticipate more good feelings... So in the moments between good feelings you subconsciously anticipate experiencing more of them but you don't know exactly how they will manifest themselves, due to the unpredictability of the individual providing the good feelings. This seems to be something that drives some women crazy and they love it when it happens... It's all subconscious of course so they may not be able to tell you exactly WHY they like it so much. So my question to you is, have you ever encountered this phenomenon of women getting butterflies around you? If so, how do you provide this feeling at will (i.e. what sorts of things a man can do to get women feeling butterflies and anticipation... and how can a man sense that what he's doing in this regard actually working?) It's one thing to try and pick up a girl, it's another thing to make them want to come back for more and more...and be out-of-control when around you... Look forward to hearing from you... Thanks.” The "butterflies in her stomach" (or yours) phenomenon is a pretty common one to love, romance, seduction, and sex. It's a turn of phrase that's used to indicate the feeling of clenched anticipation for something desired one feels deep in one's gut; when she feels it, she's feeling nervous in all the right ways. Giving girls exactly this feeling is one of the things I recommend you aim to do as much as you possibly can - that is, to give as many butterflies as you can, to as many of the women you meet as you can. Of course, before you can do that, you've got to know what these butterflies are - and how they come about invading cute girls' stomachs in the first place.

We don't usually spend a whole lot of time defining "stomach butterflies", because it's something we've all more or less experienced before, and know what it feels like. But, just in case you're unfamiliar with the term, or we have slightly different definitions, here's how we're defining it in this article - as: • • •

A tingling or "weird" feeling in your middle abdomen / stomach A feeling as if your stomach is "jumping" without actually moving A mild nausea-like feeling, but not like you're going to be sick

Those are the best approximations of the sensation of the experience, outside of saying, "Like butterflies flapping around in your stomach, their wings brushing up against the walls of its interior." And, you normally feel this sensation when: • • • •

You're about to go talk to someone you really, really like You realize that you really like someone for the first time You realize that someone likes you might just like you back too You're otherwise not in control of the situation, and it's out of your hands

Obviously, if you've been in control your entire life, you may never have felt this before... but I'm betting that even the most staid, stolid of our readers has experienced butterflies in his stomach at least once or twice before, perhaps a long time ago... maybe with the first girl he ever fell in love with.

What Causes Stomach Butterflies? There isn't much research on stomach butterflies, though what there is tells us: •

Butterflies in the stomach result from high levels of expectancy, and are just as likely to occur when a drug addict anticipates a hit as when a romantic hopeful anticipates something exciting with her prospective paramour ("Classical conditioning and cognitive





determinants of subjective craving for opiates: an investigation of their relative contributions") Stomach butterflies aren't necessarily pleasant, or even necessarily tied to the expectation of something longed for; shy people feel them too, often in negative anticipation in social situations, when anticipating an uncomfortable social experience ("Degree of shyness and self-reported physiological, behavioral, and cognitive reactions") They're also one of the (many) signs of love and commitment researchers examined and subjects reported when studying what features were important for these and how central to them those features were ("Prototype analysis of the concepts of love and commitment")

So, the research tells us that: 1. Butterflies in your stomach are a result of high degrees of expectation and anticipation 2. This heightened anticipation can be about something "good" (interaction with a prospective romantic partner; other things that cause a rush of good feelings, like narcotics one is addicted to) or something "bad" (a scary social interaction a shy person doesn't know how to deal with properly) 3. And, they can be experienced not only with prospective partners, but with partners one is already in a relationship with, too So, not a lot of research there, but enough to flesh out our knowledge to the extent that we now know more about stomach butterflies than just that they're when you're not in control and seem to be about to get something you want. Now we know that they can occur for all kinds of expectation, provided that expectation is heightened enough... and we know they're a lot more common in someone who's shy.

Shy, and with Butterflies in the Stomach One of the things you will notice if you're meeting enough women is that shy girls get stomach butterflies a lot more easily than girls who are not shy. The research on shyness and stomach butterflies lends some support, and it's easy to see why. The vast majority of the stomach butterflies I've experienced in my entire lifetime occurred when I was shy. That was a period between about ages 11 and 22 or so for me. Before that, I was quite bold; after that, I gradually built back the boldness I had forfeit years before. And from personal experience I can tell you one thing: you feel butterflies in your stomach when you are WAITING for something to happen TO you.

You are not the actor... you are the acted upon - or, at least, the one waiting for the actor to come and take the lead. That's the key. And if you examine the people feeling stomach butterflies, that's the one common thread. When I was shy, I'd feel butterflies in my stomach when: • • • •

Some girl I really liked was walking up to talk to me Some kid I thought was cool said hi or invited me to his table or party Some kid I thought was tough challenged me to a fight, or hit me A teacher caught me doing something I really shouldn't be doing

When girls give off the signs of stomach butterflies, it's invariably when: • • •

You've just met them, and they are thinking you're perfect for them You're on a date, and things are clicking exceptionally well, electricity in the air You have them back at your place, sexual tension is palpable, and you have not yet made your next move... but they sense you are going to, and want you to

A few of the times I've had stomach butterflies in my post-shyness days: • • •

Getting pulled over or otherwise accosted by a police officer Having a pretty girl act unexpectedly sexually forward and aggressive Opening up business stats when I think I've lost or made a lot of money, but don't know for sure until I lay my eyes on these

Obviously, all these things affect you less and less as you become more experienced with them... and feel more in control. Because "control" and "desire" are the two key elements of stomach butterflies - the less of the former and the more of the latter you have, the more readily those little wings will start tickling the sides of your internals. And inspiring great desire along with causing loss of control is exactly the experience you must give to women if you want their stomachs doing backflips for you.

One of my favorite seductions was of a girlfriend I took up with after settling in China for a time in late 2010. I'd just finished touring about Asia, and was deciding whether I wanted to stay in China a bit, or pick up and head north toward Russia or west toward Europe. A friend dragged me out to a party in the VIP section of one of his favorite nightclubs one night (I was dead tired, and really just wanted to stay home), where I was mostly bored and didn't do much more than order a few drinks and some French fries to chew on, while chatting with the mostly not-super-attractive girls hanging out around the VIP table we were at. After an hour or so, and me barely being able to keep my eyes open, I told my pal I needed to leave and go get some sleep, and he went with me. In the elevator on the way down, I met a tall, thin, but quite busty and very beautiful girl, dressed down in a bright orange t-shirt (everyone else at that club was in suits and dresses). I quickly found myself in a conversation with her, and the "spark" was there right away - I really liked her, and she really liked me... love at first sight. I found out she was an architect by day and getting her master's of finance by night. She was perfect.

Our first proper date was supposed to be at a café near my apartment, but I didn't know the city and gave shoddy directions, and she ended up at the wrong place and got flustered. I went to meet her; then took her on another date a few days later, to a restaurant (I didn't want to invite her to the same place two dates in a row, especially if she didn't make it the first time); and then on the third date I had her come to my place, this time with much better directions, where I manhandle kissed her, and took her to bed. This girl was a strong girl, but also very shy, quiet, and soft... something of a nervous, emotional creature, despite her professional background and high self-esteem. Because she was a romantic, she put a lot of anticipation on our potential from Day 1, and was in a near-constant state of butterflies in her stomach around me. By the time I had her back at my apartment, she was so nervous with anticipation that her mouth was trembling as she talked to me, and this continued nearly every time I saw her after this, until I put her at ease each time (with mountains of physical intimacy, needless to say). Things ended between us after only a few months, and we had a rather tragic parting... yet, when circumstances brought us back into one another's lives half a year later for a little while longer, that nervous was there as much as ever - and so were the butterflies.

How to Give Her Butterflies in Her Stomach On the surface, butterflies in a girl's stomach are straightforward enough: just make her feel desire while taking her out of control. Easy, right? But... how do you do those two things?

Creating Desire Well, the desire part is all attraction and investment. That is, in other words: •

Your value to her. That's your fundamentals - things like: o o o o o o o o

Your fashion Your hairstyle Your facial hair Your voice Your walk Your facial expressions Your body language Your posture

o o o o o o

Your movement speed Your conversational abilities Your playfulness and sense of humor Your sprezzatura Your sexiness Your communication that you are a sexual man

As well other non-fundamental attraction triggers, like: Preselection Social proof Social status Peacocking Perceived physical dominance Conspicuous consumption (provided it won't break the bank) Your attainability. You must be a challenge enough for her, so that you don't devalue yourself, without being so hard to get that you send her into auto-rejection, where her ego defense mechanisms kick in and your value becomes invisible to her. Give her a little... but not so much that you're chasing after her. Her investment. The more invested in you she becomes, the bigger a deal to her you will become. Get compliance early and often... it's extremely important. And make sure you move her. o o o o o o





All those are things we've covered on this site numerous times before (and if any of them are new to you, the article links above will point you in the right directions). While there are many facets to desire, you can think of each of the above items as adding a little bit more, then a little bit more, then a little bit more to your attraction score. Investment is a key part of desire. Without investment, you can have attraction, but not desire. That is, if she thinks you look good, but she hasn't done anything with you or for you, she's not typically going to have a great deal of desire for you. Only after someone has begun to invest in you does she start to come to desire you actively.

Creating Loss of Control This one comes down chiefly to two (2) things: 1. You being in control, and 2. Her being out of it The more in-control you are, the more she can't be in it, necessarily, while around you or in your presence. And the more out of it she is, the more easily you can be in it... and make her feel butterflies.

You being in control and her being out of it can be further boiled down to: •









Your ability to lead. If you can't lead, you can't be in control, and unless she's extremely inexperienced, young, and kind of clueless with men, you not being in control means she'll naturally tend to take the wheel and start steering. You must be decisive and be able to lead women. Your frame control. Women will test you to find out how sure of yourself you really are, and how experienced with women you really are. Inexperienced men get flustered and betray their inexperience (and, thus, negative preselection - lack of desirability to other women, that is), while experienced men remain nonplussed and show their experience, in the face of women's tests. Your frame control shows off the level of your social dominance - a very attractive trait. Your unpredictability. Being unpredictable is something of a prerequisite for giving women butterflies in their stomachs. If she can't guess what you'll do next, the only thing she can do is hope and expect... and being in a state of expectation and anticipation (rather than one of boring certainty and crystal clarity) is what stomach butterflies are all about. Your mystery. Why do women love Byronic men? Because they're just so damn intriguing... so hard to get a bead on. Yet, they're not so inscrutable that they're impossible to be understood; their masks can be peeled back... so they are a puzzle for women to solve, but not an unsolvable one. Rather, they are one that can be puzzled out. The more intriguing and hard to figure out, the more likely she is to experience butterflies with you; some of the things that make this even easier are having certain identities that are more inclined to have a mysterious air about themselves (like rebel, or artist), or being a foreigner, where she does not know what to expect with you and finds you new and exciting. Your speed of progression. One of the reasons that moving fast is so good is that it's off-balancing to women in a very exciting kind of way. When you move rapidly through a seduction, and are smooth about it, you create a feeling of constant expectation and fulfillment, expectation and fulfillment, which only leads to her emotions to being cresting higher and higher. You can use this in one-night stands; you can use it with first-date sex scenarios; and you can use it when you're employing date compression to go through the usual series of dates, but in a much shorter amount of time. The faster a clip things are moving at while still feeling smooth and more or less natural and comfortable, the more butterflies she's going to have fluttering around in there. Important note: her experience plays a big role here; if she's a conservative girl who's only had a handful of lovers, all of whom courted her traditionally and all of whom took months to do it, taking her on three dates in whirlwind fashion is going to be pretty fast and exciting for her. But if she's a more liberated woman who's been with a number of men quickly, had her share of flings, etc., she's not usually going to get stomach butterflies if things drag out for a few dates, unless she's considering you for a "husband" role and you seem like her dream guy for that position (and unlike the kind of men she usually meets / dates / sleeps with).

You want her feeling out of control, but also satisfied that you are moving fast enough to take care of her needs and that you will deliver on your promises. However... you must also be teasing her to a certain extent; promising something, but not delivering on it right away. If you're consistently doing everything like clockwork, the unpredictability seeps out, and anticipation doesn't build up nearly enough. You must move quickly, and you must deliver the goods, but don't be afraid of doing so sporadically or in bursts at random intervals - she'll experience a LOT more excitement and nervousness if you do things this way.

Butterflies For me, butterflies really started clicking in Southern California in late 2009 / early 2010, just as I got my ability to create sexual tension handled, and my confidence in my ability to pull consistently and get girls in bed went from "pretty confident" to "yeah, I got this." What made it click for me then, I think, was that I'd become very aggressive at getting loads of early compliance from women and getting them invested fast, all while dialing up the sexual heat quite high and teasing them with it so that they were experiencing loss of control mixed with percolating desire. If you can make women want you, and you can make women wonder about you, you can give them butterflies in their stomachs. You can make them nervous... you can make them tremble with excitement and anticipation at "getting" you... or at you taking them. There's little in life more wonderful than having a truly beautiful, impressive woman trembling with anticipation around you, waiting for you to move things forward... it's an immensely satisfying feeling. And, it makes the consummation of that attraction all the sweeter, because the tension she builds up in her body and mind while waiting for things to culminate all ends up released in a single moment of explosive relief - this is an experience not to be missed. You can think of stomach butterflies in the girls you meet almost as a side effect of getting your fundamentals down cold and learning game to a high degree - but, there remains plenty you can do to speed up the process. Create desire within her; then, create uncertainty, and loss of control. She will plunge herself into anticipation and expectation for you... waiting for you to make happen what she wants and needs for you to make happen. And when you finally take her, you both will be very glad.

Chase Amante

For some reason this seems to be my specialty. I guess it's because i'm one of the pickiest guys you'll ever meet (by the way, any way to be less picky so I can meet more women?) so I'm genuine in my interest when I meet a girl I like every once in a blue moon. I never thought the formula would be this complicated but I just gaze at the girl like it's love at first sight and there's this still pause between us that only we share like we're in our own little world. Is it better to go in with this type of emotion though, compared to a friendly just being social or a sexual I reek of sexual tension type vibe? What I'm trying to figure out is, is there a prioritized list of emotions that girls want and must haves? Say, for example: 1. sexual tension 2. dominant 3. warm 4. fun 5. mysterious etc. A romantic is able to give a girl butterflies due to his sensuality, whereas a stereotypical beefcake would not be able to provide something like this, and instead provides physical toughness and dominance. You could perhaps dumb this down to passion vs. comfort. Each of these guys also express themes like humor and body language differently. Does it come down to what the girl prefers, or what would happen when a beefcake can't provide the slow, composed sexual tension and other fundamentals that seem to belong more to the classy rich guy? Does each girl respond to certain traits and subconsciously prioritize each one?

AnonMy general feeling is that most people are kind of just "there" in their relationships. I will meet a lot of women who are in even apparently "good" relationships, and if I can get into a conversation with them, I will watch them become enchanted, then excited, then aroused, just being around me and interacting with me. And that's nothing special about me... plenty of my friends have the same things happen to them again and again. My suspicion is that even most women who are content enough in their relationships are only there because they don't have access to something even better, which (if you know how to come across that way) you can present yourself as being... and usually often are.

Of course, whether they choose to pursue you, or shrink back in fear and embarrassment at their interest in someone else when they are supposed to be in a committed relationship, is dependent on who they are, how sexually liberated they are, and just what the condition of the relationship they're in is anyway in the first place. Chase JOn pickiness, see this one: "Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls)." I wouldn't say any specific emotions are prioritized over one another, so much as there are just certain emotions where the more you have of them thrown into the mix, the more attractive you're going to be as an option. If you're feeling love at first sight, I'd take that in with you and mix it up with sexual tension - what you get is a powder keg of mutual excitement and both parties pushing the interaction forward at full throttle.

JasperRules are made to be broken... With fast pulls (e.g., sub-15 minutes or so), you'll usually do very minimal deep diving - just enough to get her qualifying herself to you and filling you in on a few details about her so you're not complete strangers. A 30-minute pull will often have plenty of deep diving still; if you're going under 10 minutes, there may not be any. Deep diving's there to help you build attraction and navigate through getting investment and opening up the escalation windows in women who aren't sold on you the moment you say "hello"; but for the girls who are, you can sometimes skip this step, and even go from "hello" and a few light words of initial banter straight to pulling and sex... of course, that usually requires pretty strong fundamentals, but even if you don't have yours completely on lock, you'll still sometimes run into these scenarios regardless. In these cases, it's not necessary to do every step; it's just necessary to recognize the signs that the windows are open, and then jump through them. Chase

SamIt all comes down to what terms you walked away on, and what the communication was before you walked away. e.g., if she flakes on a date, and then you just never call or text again, she'll either think, "Wow, he must've taken that really hard!" or, "Well, guess that flake was the right move - he clearly isn't very interested."

Alternately, if you have a situation where you sit down with a girl you've been on 4 dates with and she's still no more comfortable with you or willing to go home with you, but she's begun bonding with you as a friend, and you say, "Hey, you know what, you're a REALLY cool person, and I'm glad we've been hanging out. But in all honesty, I'm looking for a cool gal I can get something substantial going on with right now, and friends doesn't cut it for me. And I think that's all you want, which is totally cool... but, as for me, I've got to go hit the dating pool. And as for you - well, I'm not really sure exactly what you're looking for, but whatever it is, it's out there, and I know you're going to find it - you're a sharp girl," THEN you leave... there's a very good chance she comes knocking down your door a not-long time after with renewed interest at giving things another shot. Or, at the very least, you will have her respect and admiration for not hanging around and hoping... like most of the guys she allows to court her do. Chase

Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Last weekend I spoke at a gathering of the San Diego pickup community. One of the things I skirted over briefly, due to time constraints, but that guys asked me to spend a little more time on and seemed very interested in hearing about, was on disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend. Why would any guy trying to get girls want to make girls not want to date him? Well, in answer to that, the long and short of it is this: women and men have different things to consider when it comes to having sex with someone new. And for women, the question of whether or not she wants a man as a boyfriend can muddy up the picture and make the decision to sleep with a guy quickly not so clear-cut. Deciding whether or not to have sex with some girl we like is easy for us guys. Go out, get laid with the girl you hit it off with as soon as possible, and, if you like her, start dating her. For girls, it isn't so straightforward. If a gal likes a guy, she typically wants to make sure she DOESN'T jump into the sack too fast with him. Because us men being what we are, we naturally tend to value women who sleep with us quickly lower than women it takes us longer to bed. Even among guys who think of themselves as more enlightened... look back at your past girlfriends. How many began as women you slept with the same night you met them? OK. Now how many of them were the girls that it took you forever to bed, but whom you really got to like and value in the meantime before you finally, after all that work, managed to wrestle into sleeping with you? Hmm. Yeah. If you’re like 99% of men out there, you’ll start picking up on a very noticeable trend. And women pick up on this trend that men have, too. They know men don’t usually date the girls they hook up with quickly. That proclivity of men’s is why, in some cases, you'll find that women in committed relationships are easier to sleep with than women who are single. Because women who already have a man (whether they tell you about him or not) are usually not looking for a new relationship. They're just looking for sex. So they don’t worry as much about whether sleeping with a man too quickly will blow their chances at a relationship; they’re not looking for one in the first place. But women who are single are usually looking not only for sex, but for a relationship, too. Here’s the kicker though: they are not necessarily looking for those things from the same guy.

I said something while speaking about this at that talk I gave that seemed to rattle some guys, excite others, and cause still more to lash out in disbelief. What I said was this: "Believe it or not, a woman does not have to like you to sleep with you. In fact, she's probably more likely to have sex with you the day you meet her if she doesn't like you a whole lot." Now hold up a minute, one guy said. If a girl doesn't like you, she's NOT going to sleep with you. Period. End of story. No happy ending. Well, I’m here to tell you that isn’t so. This isn’t something you see a lot when you’re a beginner in the social arts; it’s not something you’re even all that aware of as a guy who’s intermediate with women. But as you reach the top tiers of advancement, you’ll start realizing that women have sex all the time with men they just don’t like all that much. That guy they’re hooking up with they value don’t enough to want to date. In many cases, they don’t even like him enough that they’d respond to a call or a text from him the next day, regardless of whether they slept with him or not. But, they will still sleep with him. If that starts feeling a little counterintuitive, think about it like this. Sex with a girl you’re in love with feels great. It’s probably the best sex you can have. Sex with a girl you kinda like is good too, though not quite as amazing, right? Now how about sex with a girl you don’t even like all that much. Say, a girl who’s cute but completely lacking in the personality department. Or a girl who’s not even all that cute, but she’s there, she’s available, and you’re horny. You’d never sleep with a girl in those conditions, right? Only a girl you like, right? Well, if you’re like almost every other guy on the planet, that’s wrong. You would. Probably wouldn’t answer her call the next day, but the night you met her, if conditions were right, you’d hook up with her. Now here’s the shocking thing for most guys: despite their generally having longer hair and bigger chests, women are in fact exactly the same when it comes to sex. They hook up with guys all the time they don’t like all that much. In fact, there are a very wide variety of reasons a woman will seek sex with a man, and many of them have little to do with HIM and how much she likes him, and more to do with HER – and he, the guy, just happens to be available to fill a need for her. Here are some of those reasons a woman might sleep with a guy, despite not liking him all that much: • • •

She’s horny, she wants to get laid, and he’s the best option available She’s been on a dry spell, and she decides he’s “good enough” to shag All of her girlfriends are hooking up that night, and she doesn’t want to be left out – and the guy in question just happens to be hanging around and available



• • • •

He’s an unknown in her social circle (he’s there on vacation, or she is, or they run in completely different circles), no one she knows will ever find out, and he’s basically a “freebie” She wants revenge on a current or former lover, and this new guy looks to be the means to that end She’s feeling down in the dumps and in need of the boost in self-esteem that comes from getting laid She’s always wanted to try a guy like him (white / black / Asian / Hispanic / muscular / wealthy / punk / rocker / badboy / international from XYZ country) She just feels like it.

There are probably a bunch more, too. But just as any girl who’s tolerable will likely do when you are just feeling down and want to get laid, so too will just any GUY who’s tolerable likely do when a girl is feeling down and just wants to get laid. Most men have this myth that women, especially top women, are incredibly picky. As a guy with a lot of dynamic, intelligent, beautiful, successful women in his life, it’s my distinct experience that this is utter malarkey. Here’s what I’ve seen: top tier women, dating or hooking up with men who were not cool, not attractive, and not successful. It’s not that these guys were badboys and had some kind of mysterious sex appeal, either. They just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and the girl in question wasn’t feeling all that picky. But those girls still tell me they’re picky. They say things to me like, “It’s hard for me to find someone I like, because I’m very picky when it comes to men,” or, “I’m fine without a man in my life. I’d rather be single, actually.” But when I look at their choices in men, they’re getting together with these guys that don’t meet the standards they continually profess to have (or, realistically, the quality of guy I’d assume they could get). And bizarrely, they often end up in friends-with-benefits relationships with men they don’t really care for or respect all that much. They don’t even really like these guys. The guys press for relationships, and the girls decline, because they’re not all that into them. But these guys are still good enough for sex – even though they’re not good enough to date. Women DON’T have to like you to sleep with you. Period. End of story. So, onto the whole disqualifying-yourself-as-a-boyfriend thing. The thing that disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend does is, it makes it much easier for a woman to decide that you’re the guy to fill that short-term need, and it helps her cast aside any reservations about sleeping with you too quickly and how that might affect her long-term prospects with you. You’ve negated yourself as a long-term prospect. She doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. Before I list some ways to do that, one final note: most guys don’t do this. How come? It’s because they believe that women only want relationships, and that if they rule themselves out of the “long-term potential” category, they’ll lose the girl they’re speaking with. So they play it safe, and try to make themselves seem to be the best boyfriend material they can muster –

thereby shooting in the foot any shot they had at sleeping with their new female acquaintance the same night. If she’s thinking of you as a potential boyfriend, and she thinks she legitimately has a shot, she’s NOT going to sleep with you the same night. Guaranteed. Will you lose a few girls by disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend? Sure. But they’re girls you wouldn’t have hooked up with that night anyway, and unless your follow-up game is incredibly solid, probably wouldn’t have hooked up with at all. And here’s the funny thing: even the girls who don’t hook up with you that night will like you more. They’ll find you mysterious, intriguing, and… sexy. That guy who seems like he’d make a great boyfriend? Yeah, he’s nice. But now, the guy she can’t get into a relationship, at least not all that easily… THAT guy makes her think. Women (especially top-tier women who are used to getting their way) find challenges irresistible. As a guy who’s off-limits from a dating perspective, you position yourself as a challenge. So how can you disqualify yourself as a potential boyfriend? Here are some common ways you might disqualify yourself as a boyfriend to a woman you’ve met: • • • • •



Let her know you have a girlfriend or are in a relationship Let her know you’re newly out of a relationship and still recovering and not looking to get involved Let her know you’re on travel and only in town another night or two Let her know you’re moving out of town and will be far away Let her know you have all kinds of friends in your life, but that when it comes to serious dating, you usually only date girls of XYZ race / nationality (something different than her) Let her know you’re not really all that sure about relationships anymore, and not even sure you want to have another one (in a very neutral, non-negative / pessimistic way)

Use one of these (preferably, one that’s truthful and matches up well with your situation – obviously, if you say you’re on travel and you’re actually not, and the two of you run into each other later on, there could be issues!) and you will find that, contrary to what most men might think, you’ll see an increase in attraction from women, and you’ll see that sex happens faster. Note that there can be a bit of a learning curve: delivery is essential, especially when all this seems new and unfamiliar and nerve-wracking. If a woman can sense that a man is nervous / needy when he disqualifies himself (e.g., he tells her he already has a girlfriend, then tenses up and gets quiet, as if waiting for her rejection), attraction will plummet. This has to be a natural, emotion-free declaration that you are not really on the market from a relationship standpoint. Guys who are off the market and nervous women will reject them are unattractive. But guys who are off the market and confident that women will want them are even more attractive than guys who are on the market and equally confident. They actually had an interesting little study recently that showed that women in committed relationships ranked photographs of men they

were told were single as more attractive, while single women ranked photographs of men they were told were in committed relationships as more attractive. Get that? Single women are more attracted to men who are tied up. How come? Well, long story short, a guy who’s got a girl already is basically communicating that he is wanted by other women. That guy who’s single is an unknown variable – why is he single? Is it because he’s just out of a relationship – or is it because there’s something wrong with him and women don’t want him? It’s good to be off-the-market. It says a lot of attractive things about you. It also takes some pressure off the girl, because it implies you’re not “looking” (and hence, judging). She is more free to be herself around you. Once you’re using disqualifications like these and you’re comfortable with them, it’s mildly remarkable how things change with women. The planning / calculating / scheming side of women goes away as they lose their primary calculation objective (“net this guy into a relationship”) and become free to enjoy or not enjoy you based on their whims and how the mood strikes them (and how you make them feel). Try it out – it’s fun.

Making a Girl Jealous: Dos and Don'ts

by Chase Amante Friday, 10 June 2011

Wouldn't it be great to have the girl you want green-eyed with envy and madly competing for you? It'd be awesome... right? Well, as you know, there are two sides to every coin. On the one side you have the oftentimes huge spike in attraction and investment you gain from a girl when she realizes she's jealous over you. And on the other side... you risk becoming too aloof, too hard to get, and losing her altogether. But, no risk, no reward, as they say. Learning how to make a girl jealous can be another mighty weapon in your seducer's arsenal. If you're not careful though, it can be a weapon you end up using with devastating effect... on yourself. My intention here is to walk you through the mechanics of jealousy, using jealously plotlines to drive attraction and investment, and walking the tightrope between making girls chase you and sending them off ablaze in search of vengeance and validation. As with any powerful technique, I must of course warn you... caveat emptor. Proceed here at your own discretion -- and at your own risk.

The Mechanics of Jealousy "Love sees sharply; hatred sees even more sharp. But jealousy sees the sharpest -- for it is love and hate at the same time."

~ Arab proverb Jealousy's a fascinating emotion. I've studied it rather closely over the course of my life -- it's a mighty changer of emotions and even life paths. The ability to elicit strong emotions is the nuclear power of seduction: capable of lighting up a city (when used judiciously) or of razing one (when used clumsily or vengefully). If I had to define jealousy in under 10 words, I'd define it thus: Jealousy is wanting control where one has it not. As such, certain kinds of individuals are more susceptible to it than others. Namely, those who like control and/or are accustomed to being in control. You can quickly see how jealousy could be big for beautiful, high status women. The way jealousy works is basically like this: •

When someone you think ought to want you very much seems preoccupied with someone else, you begin to want to regain that person's attentions



When someone you like seems preoccupied with someone else, you begin to fear losing them, and pursue them harder

If you're familiar with the basic tenets of investment, it works thus: the more time, emotion, and energy you spend on something, the more invested in it you become, and the more and more highly you come to value it. When you become jealous over a girl -- or she becomes jealous over you -- the desire to have that which you're jealous about very quickly escalates how much you value that person. For that reason, we might say jealousy can supercharge attraction. But there's a catch -- make someone too jealous, and she won't be able to handle not having what she wants (you), and instead will strike off to hurt you back and show you what you're missing out on by not being with her. Enter something I call the "Jealousy Scale":

Obviously, the X, or horizontal, axis is the degree of jealousy; lesser to the left, greater to the right. The vertical Y axis, though, is a little more curious: we might call it attraction, though the kinds of attraction at the opposite ends of the scale are of completely different natures: one is disinterest, while the other is disdain. This is because of how amounts of jealousy affect people's emotions. You might notice this isn't a standard bell curve distribution. It's a soft, gradual arc up to attraction; but a pretty precipitous drop off into the abyss of stone-hearted resentment if you go past the peak. I'll offer the disclaimer that this is based purely on my own experiences and countless anecdotes I've come across and had shared with me, but jealousy seems to work very much like this: 1. On the far left of the curve, a woman has no feelings about a man and he is unvalued. 2. A little more to the right, she begins to feel some stirrings of possessiveness, and is rather invested and interested in him. 3. At the peak of the curve, she's very possessive and jealous about him, and feels a strong degree of attraction and is given to pursuit. 4. Past that peak though, as jealousy builds to an even greater extent, she becomes resentful and disdainful of this man, and wishes to hurt him and exact revenge -- or at the very least be rid of his presence. So actually, the two ends of the curve are qualitatively different.

The opposite of love is not hate. It's disinterest. Therefore, emotions trend increasingly strong to the right the greater the emotion gets -- but those emotions cross a threshold from being very good for the seducer to being very bad. You can use jealousy to move women out of disinterest and into interest, and even ramp things up to the point where girls are chasing you. But you must be aware that making a girl jealous is playing with fire -- and overdoing it means there's a very good chance you might end up getting burned.

When Making a Girl Jealous Backfires I'll tell you a quick story so you know what I mean. Back in mid-2006, when I was still pretty green, I was going through a phase of seeing how fast I could physically escalate with girls in nightclubs. I was getting two-minute make-outs and that sort of thing. It wasn't particularly effective at getting girls to come home with me, but it was fun. One girl I met one night I had on the dance floor with me and had my hands under her bra and in her panties within seven minutes of meeting her, and we were making out heavily. "I have a really interesting ceiling at home," I told her. "I think you should come see it." "Okay," she said. We headed for the door, but just as we were about to exit, her friends appeared out of nowhere to snatch her away. "Call me!" she cried. I called her and texted her a few times the next week, but of course, she didn't answer my calls and she didn't text back. The very next weekend, however, I ran into her and three of her girlfriends at the very same nightclub. She seemed only lukewarm toward me, so I decided to get her friends attracted to me. I'd run a jealousy plotline. I started talking to her friends, and they all liked me. Soon she warmed up to me too. She even began competing for my attention. But, I decided to really ramp up her attraction, and largely ignored her to continue talking to her friends. This went on for about ten minutes -- but, then, I noticed she'd stopped paying me any attention. So at last, I turned my focus onto her. She was ice cold. "You know," she told me, "if you like someone, you should try talking to her." Then she turned and walked off, and I didn't ever see her again. I'd overdone the jealousy and sent her into auto-rejection.

I've seen scads of guys doing this again and again. A friend of mine was doing it quite a lot, recently; he's a pretty cool and sexy guy, and he was already getting pretty solid attraction from girls, but he just felt like he always needed more, so he'd spin off from girls to go meet new girls to show the ones whom he'd been talking to previously how strong and successful and non-needy and desirable he was. And it just kept on backfiring on him. The girls who were crazy about him earlier would end up making out with other guys in front of him, even going home with other guys, sometimes while staring at him explicitly as if to say, "This is what you're missing out on." He did such a good job creating jealousy in these girls that he pushed them past that ledge, and they descended rapidly into auto-rejection. Filled with resentment, they did whatever they could to show him the error of his ways. "I don't get it," he remarked, "these girls seem to really like me, and then they just act so cold and heartless later on!" I pointed out to him that their actions were actually reactions to his actions, and he started scaling back the jealousy he'd previously been inspiring so much of. The change he saw was more or less immediate -- as soon as he took it a little easier on the jealousy plotlines.

When Making a Girl Jealous Works I'll tell you one more story. I was out one night in a lounge with a group of people, including a girl I'd slept with a few weeks earlier who was all over me at the lounge, and another girl I was interested in. A tall, beautiful girl I'd told to come showed up just as I was leaving with some of that group, and stroked my face lustily as I walked out. At the next party I and some of the folks from that lounge ended up at, I turned things around with a girl who earlier was ice cold to me (she ended up giving me her phone number), all the while chatting up another girl who was cute but seemed more or less indifferent to me and had been there at the lounge earlier and come with us all to the party. About 2 AM, I got a phone call from that tall, beautiful girl asking me to come to her apartment, but I, in my drunken stupor, instantly forgot her address and asked her to repeat it, and she, worried I'd get in an accident, refused to give it to me again. We debated my drunkenness for about 30 minutes on the phone, but I never did manage to get her to repeat her address. Meanwhile, that cute, indifferent girl had born witness to all of this, me charming one girl after another, and gradually warmed up to me more and more. After I got off the phone with the girl who'd invited me to her apartment, I had another drink with the formerly indifferent girl -- and then we went back to my place and I took her to bed.

Her seeing me with those other girls shook her out of her apathy for me, and made her start seeing me as somebody desirable to be with. At the beginning of the night, I'd been at the far left of the scale -- not valued. But on the weight primarily of a handful of jealousy plotlines throughout the night (with a little deep diving on the side), I moved up to somewhere between somewhat interested and intensely interested, and we ended up becoming lovers. I doubt I would've ended up with that particular girl without the attention from the other girls I received before her. So, as it turns out, while making a girl jealous can be dangerous, it can also be highly beneficial toward your seductions. Because of that, this is something to play around with as a beginner, and something to really look to implement at least somewhat seriously once you're at an intermediate level.

How to Make a Girl Jealous Usually I try to stay away from posting anything that might remotely be construed as "being manipulative." I like to operate from the light side of the force whenever and wherever possible. This is just one of those things though that there's really no way I can talk about it without sounding like I'm telling guys to be manipulative, though. Ah well. Can't win 'em all. In any event, before anyone starts pointing fingers about it, compare these Google searches:

• •

"how to make her jealous": 19,900,000 results "how to make HIM jealous": 43,600,000 results

Ladies, if you don't want us talking about this, all I can say here is... you started it. ;) Women are the masters of jealousy plotlines. Most of what I know about how to make someone else jealous I learned from watching club queens who were experts at working the nightclub scene. Girls are good at this; it's one of their premiere social control tools. As they say though, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and what works here for women works for men as well. What's great is, we can sift it all down to a few essential steps to get you off and running and get girls going a little crazier for you and chasing you a little harder. So, without any further ado, here's how to make a girl jealous: 1. Talk to her a little first to wet her appetite. It's very difficult to make a girl jealous who's never met you before. She has to at least know who you are and like you a little bit (usually) before a jealousy plotline begins to kick in. Banter with her a bit, build some rapport, and generally just be your usual attractive self for at least a few minutes. 2. Make subtle, casual conversation with a girl near her. The keys here are threefold: subtle, casual, and near her. These keys are essential to minding the Law of Least Effort and ensuring that your social maneuverings appear effortless and natural. I made the mistakes early on of awkwardly shifting gears to talk to new women, or striking out to search the entire venue for another girl to meet, often out of eye- and ear-shot, which didn't do very much for inspiring jealousy. 3. Again, mind the subtlety. This one is important enough that I'm listing it out here again. What just about every guy does wrong here is make his flirting with a girl overt. But if she liked you when you talked earlier, flirting overtly is almost always going to be too much. You'll trigger too much jealousy in her, and push her into auto-rejection. Women aren't superheroes; they feel jealousy and uncertainty and worry just like everyone else. Letting her see you talking to another girl is more than enough most of the time; she doesn't need to see the two of you becoming bosom buddies too. 4. Make it short. This is another common mistake, and one I was as guilty of as anyone else: turning a jealousy plotline into a full-blown seduction. You're trying to move things forward with Girl A, not Girl B. Don't lose sight of which girl you're there for. Get in, make some casual conversation with Girl B, and then, after four or five minutes, end it and get back to the girl you're there for. Too much longer and you risk losing her. One of the credos I live by when it comes to meeting and succeeding with women is "keep your eye on the ball," and that's just as important when it comes to making girls jealous as it is with

anything else. Run your jealousy plotline, but don't forget the main reason you're there -- to move things forward with the girl you like. And you can't do that while you're talking with someone else. So, don't be afraid to use jealousy as a tool with girls who are only lukewarm in their interest to you, but be very careful about overdoing it with girls who already like you. In fact, that's your top indicator for when to use jealousy and when not to: •

Use jealousy with girls who are lukewarm or not all that interested in you or invested



Don't use it with girls who already like you a lot. Instead, focus on moving things forward with those girls with speed and decisiveness

Stick to that plan, and you'll be a heart-stealing, jealousy-inspiring lady killer in no time. Just remember that it's staying on the tightrope that makes all the difference. Always, Chase Amante

Being a Challenge to Women (& REALLY Turning Them On)

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Back on the article about gym pickup, The Tool (one of our forum members as well) commented in asking about ways he could meet girls in the gym as a member of the staff, without overstepping professional boundaries:

“It was 8 am and this girl wanted to Tan and she had another hour before she could

tan (24 hour law) so she begged and i told her to wait another hour, she stayed in the locker room and came out an hour later, she asked If she could tan yet, I told her 5 more minutes and asked her "so what brings you to the gym this early on a saturday? working out before work or to flirt with the guy at the front desk? She said Haha I am not. I said "you totally are and now your lieing about it...jeeze." she said haha I guess I am. anyway jist of it I deepdived a bit and got her digits saying your a cool girl we should get some coffee sometime. she said sure and baddabing. Anyway as a staff member things like this are risky for I can lose my job if it was ever found out or I made it awkward for a girl. So would you advise that those guys who are in fact the staff not try to pick up girls at their own gym? ”

My advice to The Tool was to use barriers to get these girls chasing him; it was, in effect, this: be a challenge to women. In the article excerpt from my eBook entitled "How to Challenge Women," I discussed why you want to be challenging women, how it helps you, and what the potential risks are if you take it too far. And I offered a few strategies from the book on not being too little of a challenge. But what about really being a challenge to women? Is it possible to use conversation and communication to set things up so that women are pursuing you, regardless of whether they were or weren't at first? Sure, it's absolutely possible. And, it's a heck of a lot easier than you might think.

"Why does she keep going for guys who don't treat her right?" says the nice guy to his friend, struggling to understand why that girl he likes keeps falling for bad boys despite the fact that he's right there and would gladly give her everything she says she wants. "Why can't she see I'd do ANYTHING for her? I'd give her exactly what she says she wants!" My guess is that anywhere from 60% to 80% of men in the Western world fall into the "nice guy" category these days. These are the men who'd happily do whatever it is women wanted to be with them - if only they could figure out what women wanted! But they can't. So, they just keep trying to do EVERYTHING for women, and being confounded when women choose someone else over them. But women don't want a man who'll do everything for them. Quite to the contrary. Women want men that they must work for. To quote Bogg's and Ray's research on "The Heterosexual Appeal of Socially Marginal Men" again:

“Surveyed women consistently specify preferences for egalitarian dates and/or mates.

A common perception is that many of these same women often select consorts who are inscrutable, assertive, and controlling, ultimately bemoaning their choices. Dominance has been experimentally shown to provide initial attraction advantages. The Byronic Hero, a venerable literary model, embraces protagonists who possess extraordinary masculine traits that include dominance but also multiple personal flaws. Byronic Heroes, easily identified and plentiful in popular fiction, appear strongly to resonate with youthful audiences and provide alluring portrayals of heterosexual relations. In a classroom survey employing slide images of paired apparel models and a blind date scenario, collegiate women slightly but significantly preferred models independently judged to project Byronic traits over equally handsome men who appeared affable and conventional. Subject comments on Byronic models uniquely included allusions to sexual and mysterious/rebellious attributes. It

was concluded that projections of Byronic masculinity provide initial advantages in the securing of heterosexual liaisons. ”

Even sitting in a classroom, without having so much as met the men, only looking at images of them, women still rated as more attractive the men with the bad boy-esque "flaws" than the equally attractive "flawless" men. Why? Why is imperfect rated as more perfect than perfect? If you ask me, there's one reason, and one reason only: Attainability.

Attainability, Value, and Attraction Think of attainability as a lens through which your value is viewed: •





Too much attainability, and your value becomes too easy to see, and thus not very exciting. There's no novelty of discovering anything new, and a girl can easily reach in and grab whatever she wants. There's no challenge. Too little attainability, and your value becomes too murky, as if you've intentionally obfuscated it. She feels like you're playing with her, or out of her league. You're too unattainable, and she auto-rejects. Just right attainability, and she can see enough of your value to feel like you aren't toying around with her, and enough to intrigue her, but there's also enough murkiness on the lens that she can't really see anything, and now she's struggling to wipe away the murk. She's curious; her interest is piqued. She feels like she can get what's behind that lens, but she needs to know what that is, first. Now she's interested... she's desirous... and she's in pursuit.

Obviously, it'd be much better if your attainability isn't too high (no challenge), and isn't too low (auto-rejection), but instead is just right (the perfect balance of attainable and challenging). And these men with Byronic traits tend to be exactly that. If you had to put each of the following three boxes from above, who'd go in which box? •

Kyle, a great guy who goes out of his way to do whatever women ask of him. He drives female friends around town, helps them with their projects, and is ready for dinner, parties, or going out on a moment's notice. Kyle frequently finds himself wishing he had more success with women, but he believes that if he just keeps spending time around them and being as helpful as possible, at some point he's bound to start finding success.





Clive, a perfect example of an all-around great guy. Clive's in great shape, he's friendly, smart, charming, fun, and straightforward. He's one of those guys you feel like Mother Nature blessed with unfair advantages in just about every department. Clive doesn't have any great hidden secrets or a "damaged soul;" his life, rather, is an open book, and he's happy to let anyone who wants to read it. Flip, an attractive guy with a checkered past. Flip's perhaps not what you'd consider naturally good looking, but he has a certain edge about him that you notice the moment you first meet him. Flip has his own rugged style about him, an air of devil may care, and a tendency to shrug off insults, challengers, and those wishing him ill-will like beads of sweat. Flip's developed charisma about himself over the years, and when he steps in the room everyone notices - and wonders what, exactly, his story is.

That's right - Kyle's the nice guy who's too attainable and no challenge for women at all. Clive's the guy who's too good to be true and out of the leagues of most girls. He's also not all that interesting, mysterious, or captivating, so he paradoxically struggles to be seen as a lover despite his laundry list of good qualities. Flip, on the other hand, is just right; he's attractive enough that women want to get to know more about him, mysterious enough that they never really feel they've found out everything there is of interest about him, and just attainable enough, due to his flaws and vulnerabilities, that girls feel like they can get him. Here's this perfectly imperfect man, with imperfections that must be overcome. The girl needs to "save" this guy from his checkered past and his flaws. He's the bad boy that nice guys sit there and fume over the girls going crazy for.

Working for Love We know that women want men they have to work for. And they need men who are in that "just right" range of attainability that puts men almost out of reach... but not quite. A big part of being maximally attractive to women is being just attainable enough. That is to say, you want to be an achievable goal to women (and not completely out of a girl's league), while still being a challenge to women enough that it doesn't feel like a shoe-in to get you. Why do women value men they have to work for more highly? In fact, it's true of ALL humans (and mammals, for that matter): the harder we have to work for something, generally speaking, the more highly we value it.

Imagine I showed you into my house and pointed out two coffee mugs sitting there on a cabinet overlooking the den. One mug, I explained, I'd spent years scouring shops and listings for in vain, before finally having a friend locate one for me in a remote part of Canada. I'd had it shipped out here from there. The other mug, I told you, I'd won at a raffle at some party I'd gone to. Which mug would you assume is more valuable? Almost certainly the first, right? Yet, I haven't told you anything about either mug's value. I haven't said what they're made of, if they have any special designs, what their retail market prices are. You just know that one mug I worked really hard for, and the other I didn't, and you assume the one I worked hard for must be a lot more valuable. The amount of effort put into attaining something factors in directly to how high we calculate its value. This is why, among collector's objects (coins, stamps, trading cards, etc.), the most valuable items are quite often the rarest objects. It isn't any special property of the object itself that makes it so valuable... it's the level of difficulty in acquiring it. Same deal with your value as a man. If there are a million other nice guys in town just like you... that makes you not so rare. But if you're the Byronic male, attractive but flawed, rare and difficult to get, preselected and competed over by women... suddenly you start to look a lot more valuable. So how do you start being a challenge to women and getting them working to acquire you? How do you know how to challenge enough, and when you've challenged too much? And what do you say - and do - to make yourself into that kind of challenge women want so much?

To be a proper challenge to women, you need a handful of things: 1. To be able to read whether a woman sees you as too much or too little challenge

2. To be able to both pull away and push ahead 3. To be able to inspire women to chase I'm going to cover each of these sections below.

Reading Your Attainability If you start dialing down how much of a challenge you are when you already aren't much of a challenge, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot nice guy style by making yourself far too attainable (and far too uninteresting). On the other hand, if you start ratcheting up how challenging you are when you already seem largely out of reach, you're going to throw girls into auto-rejection and soon find out what "bitterness" tastes like coming from women scorned. Thus, one of the most important abilities for being able to challenge women properly is the ability to read where your attainability is at with any given girl. Can't you just learn the right things to say and do and say and do those same things with every girl and you'll be fine? No... because every woman you meet is going to view you differently and place you somewhere else on her sliding scale of attainability. For instance: •

• •

You might meet some ugly girl out at a bar, and she considers you way out of her league, auto-rejects before you even say hello, and the moment you start talking to her she treats you like the scum of the Earth. Next, you may meet some beautiful girl, who also considers you out of her league, and she acts cold and aloof, fearing rejection. After her, you meet an ordinary girl surrounded by loads of male fans and friends, and she sees you and automatically pegs you in her mind as another probable fan, and immediately writes you off as "no challenge." She's very nice and polite to you, because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings - after all, it must suck never being able to be with someone as amazing as her.

Right there alone, you have two women whose league you're out of - one ugly, and one beautiful - and one who thinks she's out of YOUR league - an ordinary girl with a lot of "just friends" male worshippers and emotional validators. And you can't go just off of looks, or any other characteristic - one girl might think you're out of her league, and the next girl who looks exactly like her may think you don't have a shot in hell

with her, while the next girl after that who looks exactly like those first two girls may think you're just perfect for her. You can't go off appearances. You need to be able to read and adjust on the fly. How do you read attainability? You look for: • • • •

Aloofness: if women are acting distant and uninterested to you. Compliance: if women are complying when you ask for investment. Enthusiasm: if women are acting excited and interested to be talking to you. Rudeness: if women are acting spiteful and catty toward you.

If you need to remember those when you're out meeting women, just think "ACER" - aloofness, compliance, enthusiasm, rudeness. Aloofness is bad (you want less of it), compliance is good (you want more of it), enthusiasm is good (you want more of it), and rudeness is bad (you want less of it). How do you know where your attainability falls with any given girl? Use ACER. If a girl is: • • • •

Aloof + Compliant Enthusiastic Rude +

... she's in auto-rejection or close to it, and you seem unattainable. If she's: • • • •

Aloof Compliant Enthusiastic Rude -

... you're in "no challenge" land and in real danger of entering the friend zone. If she's: • • • •

Aloof Compliant + Enthusiastic + Rude -

... you're exactly where you need to be with her, where she's neither aloof nor rude, but IS both compliant and enthusiastic about being with you and talking with you.

Being a Challenge to Women (and Being Less of One) Once you know where you stand on attainability, you've either got to be more of a challenge... or less of one. So: • • •

If your attainability could use a little reducing, be a challenge If your attainability needs to be boosted, be less of a challenge If your attainability is perfect, keep doing what you're doing

Much of the time, your attainability is going to be a little off, since you're approaching women and that's an uncommon thing to do. The very nature of approaching means you're going out on a limb and making it clear that you're interested; you may come across as the one who's chasing, or you may come across as someone who doesn't see her as a human being and merely as a sex object. It's common to approach women and have them be somewhat aloof at first. This is actually auto-rejection, not no-challenge. They don't know you from Jack, assume you're just another guy who doesn't care about them and is only trying to get in their pants, and feel disgusted thinking how impersonally you're treating them. So, you respond by being equally aloof - you: • • •

Act aloof not long after opening / you slow open Give girls the bored look when they act aloof Don't chase and don't get involved

This is not how normal men behave after the approach, and it intrigues most women into wondering if you aren't actually different. They'll begin viewing you as a person and not some stereotypical man who's chasing sex, and your attainability goes up. They begin to warm up to you and ask you questions and show interest. What about the opposite though? The girl you approach who's NOT rude or aloof, but also doesn't seem super excited to talk to you and doesn't give you investment when you ask for it? This girl views you as not very challenging, for whatever reason. Could be the case you came in too energetic and not adhering to the Law of Least Effort. Could be you came across as nervous or overly friendly or not a very sexy man. It's worth knowing the "why" for training and perfecting purposes, but for immediate purposes of troubleshooting attainability, it doesn't matter. All that DOES matter is that you start being a challenge with this girl.

Acting aloof here doesn't work very well. When you try being aloof with a girl who already sees you as "no challenge," it doesn't inspire chasing; it gets viewed as "cute" or "pouty." Instead, you must be directly challenging, e.g.: • • •

Deep diving her and getting rapidly to core issues you can get her qualifying herself on (see: "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her") Chase framing her, setting up sexual frames, and positioning things so that she's the one who's doing the chasing Compliance stacking and finding ways to get her investing, even if it's very small amounts, and escalating that investment until you are moving her around and getting higher levels of investment out of her

You can best think of it this way: •



When a girl is cool, rude, and/or aloof with you, tone it down with her, be calm, minimize investment, and get her comfortable around you with you being very chill, relaxed, and not pressuring her or asking for anything out of her at all to let your attainability rebound. Think of this as "taking the pressure off." When a girl is friendly, uninterested, and/or nice with you, turn up the heat, get more demanding with her, really grill and probe her on her background, dreams, and motivations, suggest that she's pursuing you, and escalate investment from her to shift yourself out of being too attainable. Think of this as "putting the pressure on."

You can use these challenge "gear shifts" to rapidly change how women see you and make them alter their perceptions of your attainability and how difficult it is to get what they want from you.

Inspiring Women to Chase Once you've repaired attainability and you've got women feeling like you're just within reach, how do you then get them pursuing you? The secret is being a challenge to women in a few specific ways that encourage them to chase. Our three tools for doing this are: 1. Using barriers 2. Creating scarcity 3. Applying time limits They work as follows:

#1: Using Barriers A "barrier," in seduction terminology, is a not-insurmountable obstacle that you employ to get women to pursue you. These are best used when you're in a situation that it's easier for the woman to deal with herself. For instance, you might be invite a girl home, but she's surrounded by friends and you know if you ask her plainly and simply to accompany you back, it's going to be a problem. So, instead of doing so, you say: “You know, I'd really love to invite you somewhere alone with me where it'd be just the two of us, and we could have drinks and talk and hang out just us. It's too bad all your friends are around.” What this does is to: • • •

Tell her what you'd like to do to her / with her Set a barrier up that stands in the way of this happening Communicate to her exactly what she needs to do to make it happen

This is far more effective than simply saying, "I'd like to take you home," because it follows up with, "But I can't," then gives the girl an action to take if she'd like to make it happen. If she takes that action, and finds a way for the two of you to leave together despite her friends (in this example), she's buying in and committing to what the two of you will do together. Then, no longer is this simply what YOU want to do... but it's what BOTH of you want to do. Obviously, you need well-balanced attainability mixed with attraction and a fair amount of investment already for barriers to work - they won't inspire women to action early on when they're still on the fence about you. Girls need to be excited about and ready to take whatever the next step proposed by the barrier is in order to take it.

#2: Creating Scarcity Creating scarcity is best done by contrasting yourself with others. You never want to insult other men or other people, or it looks like you're trying to take out the competition; but a few offhand remarks like, "Most guys are weak," or, "Most people don't really know what they want," allow women to more clearly recognize the things about you that set you apart.

Of course, this only works if these traits actually set you apart. If you say, "Most guys are weak," but you don't exactly seem the pinnacle of strength and dominance yourself, well, she's going to shrug her eyebrows as if to say, "Huh?" But if you actually are the opposite of the trait you point most people out as having, women recognize this and instantly become a lot more aware of your scarcity. You can show how impressive you are night and day, but if you never point it out by contrasting it with what almost everyone else is doing and being, the contrast never fully registers. Make it register by making a few points. (Obviously, if your whole conversation is, "Most people are this," and, "Most people are that," you're going to wear that one out pretty fast. Use it sparingly to get the right level of contrast running without overdoing it)

#3: Applying Time Limits Anything that reduces your availability or the probably time window a girl thinks she has to land you works here. Most men try to make themselves infinitely available to women. "I will be right here, waiting for you!" go the song lyrics. A lot of popular music contain lyrics like that. The guy's so reliable that he's just going to WAIT for her... how romantic! Your lyrics will be more like, "Take it or leave it, babe... I ain't got time to waste." Why? Imagine two girls: • •

Girl A tells you, "I'll wait for you as long as you need! You just call me or text me anytime!" Girl B tells you, "I like you, and I want to be with you. But I'm not waiting, so choose."

Which girl has your respect, and which girl are you most likely to actually want, desire, and date? Girl B by a landslide... not even close. Why's it work this way? Well, we tend to intuit that the more valuable a person's time is, the more valuable the person himself is. So, if your time is so value-poor that you're willing to wait around for a girl, or spend a lot of time pursuing her, then you must be value poor as well. Ouch.

How do you apply time limits then, to get around being that sad little man who's perpetually available? You can do this with: •







Laser focus on the person you're talking to. Truly busy people tend to be some of the most focused you'll meet. But wouldn't you expect busy people to be distracted? In some things, occasionally, yes; but with socializing, if someone lets others interrupt and distract him, he's simply communicating poor control of his time and attention. You can get his attention any time, simply by interrupting him and asking for it. If you're zeroed in on whomever you're talking to though, girls will know they can't get your attention again simply by breaking your circle, and will know they need to use what time they have with you to advance things. Not being available for social functions. Women will sometimes test you out to see if you'll be a good fit for their friend zones by inviting you to accompany them to social functions. You should always politely turn these down. Make it clear that the only time you have available for them is one-on-one time... don't waste time being a part of their group. Slow correspondence response times. Taking a little while to respond back to phone calls and text messages helps to establish some scarcity. Not responding to emails and Facebook messages and texts and other things some of the time (or much of the time) will do this as well. When you're actually truly very busy, you'll do this naturally anyway. When you're not there yet though, you can still slow down your responses so as not to seem overeager. Telling women you're moving out of town or not sticking around. If this isn't the case with you, obviously, you can't really use it, but if you're leaving town even in a year or so, letting women know in conversation that you won't be around forever creates some time limits for things to happen in.

One thing I don't advocate is the "false time constraint," where you tell a girl soon after opening her that you've got to be going soon. Saying this presumes that the girl doesn't want you there and wants you out of her hair; it's used to "buy you some time" to win her over. But if you're hanging around meeting women who don't want you around... you're doing things wrong. Skip the FTCs and focus in stead on being less available and being zeroed-in on girls when you are available. Make your time quality time, and limited quality time. This is how you create the nonverbal feel of someone in high demand, and really get girls chasing after you.

What's Being a Challenge to Women All About? Some people might tell you this is about "playing a game" or "seducing her." Far from it. Being a challenge is about flirting and intrigue. It's not a game; it's part of human mating rituals. Women are attracted to men who challenge them; men who do not challenge them don't switch on the mating dance (and then these men get frustrated that women don't want them and complain about how women go for all these "bad guys"). Is it a game if a man tells a woman he'd like to kiss her passionately, it's just too bad there are so many people around? No. He's flirting and telling her what she needs to do on her end (express interest; help get alone with him) if she wants the same thing he does. Nor is it a game for a man to be zeroed in on women, or taking a while to respond to messages (if he's genuinely busy, that is; you might consider it a game if he isn't, though). It's also NOT a game to point out that you are not like most people. Remember, correcting attainability and being a challenge is about: 1. Reading attainability (too high, too low, or just right?) 2. Being a challenge, or less of a challenge (putting pressure on or taking it off) 3. Inspiring women to chase (using barriers, scarcity, and time limits) Keeping a close bead on attainability, monitoring it, reading it, and keeping it balanced with challenging women is how you keep intrigue up, auto-rejection down, and get girls going with you - and hordes of nice guys wondering why women keep pairing off with "bad boys" like you.

Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hi Anon, Flight attendants can be a little difficult to meet on-plane, simply because they're in work mode and they're accustomed to men hitting on them there anyway. I've picked up flight attendants in nightclubs, but I haven't really sat and tried to get a method down for it on a plane simply because of the logistical difficulty. I've had friends pick up flight attendants on their ways out of planes though, setting up dates and grabbing numbers while waiting for the rest of the passengers to deplane. My TOP recommendation would be to find out where the flight attendants hang out in your city (there's typically one or two bars that flight personnel gather at) and focus on meeting them there, simply to give yourself more time to work and a more social setting to work in. If you're set on meeting attendants on planes, you'll need to come up with some sort of pattern interrupt. I'd probably use a direct opener so she knows exactly what you're about and then escalate things quickly with pointed, personal questions on her if she's receptive to the opener. Then most likely find out how much time she has in the city you're landing in, or if she ever has layovers there. Swap cells and plan to meet. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hi Anon, I actually have an old article on this phenomenon - what you and your buddies call the "fourth zone," I call being the "early boyfriend." Here's the article: The Early Boyfriend: Why It's a Bad Idea Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to get around that other than start disconnecting your value from her. You can also have a sit down and talk with her, and simply be honest with her, telling her, "Look, I really like you. A LOT. But we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do together except actually make love, and it's destroying me. I can't be in a sexless relationship anymore... I want to be with you, but you don't want to be with me. I understand that, but I can't do it anymore. I can't spend time with you anymore; it's simply too painful."

At that point, she's going to decide: either that, okay, she DOES want to sleep with you... or, no, she still doesn't want to, and she'll say goodbye. You can't be mean, can't be bitter, you've got to be sad and you've got to let her know why and let her know it's no fault of hers. Then cut her off if she won't be with you. Sometimes even if she won't sleep with you at first, being away from you will make her realize that she actually DOES want to be around you enough that she's willing to sleep with you to not lose you / retain you as her boyfriend and lover. Or she may decide she's better off without you. Either way, you won't be stuck in limbo anymore - either she'll be yours, or you'll be free. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hi Maxz, It depends on how she views your status relative to hers. If she views you as roughly equivalent to her in value and status, then even if she's going nuts over you, showing her this much affection when she isn't your lover yet assures her that she has too much sway over you, and immediately ups the stakes for you to become her lover. Basically, it takes whatever amount of work you'd need to do to bed her and double or triples it. Still possible, but it'll be a lot more grueling. There's another alternative, however: if you're so much higher in value than her that she'd normally consider you far out of her league and the very notion of you thinking of her makes her laugh (i.e., she considers it playful teasing), you're okay. Think of how a girl would feel if she got a, "Hey, I was just thinking about you," message from a rock star after he saw her. She'd laugh, knowing that rock star sleeps with a lot of girls and that he's sending her some playful sexual banter (the intimation here is, because he's such a sexual guy, he's thinking of her sexually). Essentially, if she knows that there is NO WAY on Earth that you're thinking about her longingly and romantically, you're fine. If she thinks that's even the slightest possibility though, it's very damaging to your cause, and you'll want to not do it with future girls. Chase

Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 10 January 2013

Hey Vaughn, I have an inkling that your third point is contributing to your first two. When a guy lets his thoughts run rampant and he starts getting fantasies going on about girls, this tends to make him hesitant and start treating girls with kid gloves. He won't move fast enough, won't demand investment from girls, and won't treat them the way a man with lots of options will. He effectively gives off loud, clear signals to women that he isn't a guy with man options, and kills a lot of his attraction. Even if you don't have much of a sexual vibe down yet, if you're meeting new women often and following a process that revolves around moving girls and keeping things progressing forward in your interactions, you should be getting dates and taking girls home at least occasionally. Are you meeting 30 to 40 new women a week at least and improving your approach with them as you are? On the mental thing, you've really just got to train yourself not to think about women you have any intentions of dating. The instant you fantasize about a girl as being something important to you your goose is cooked, and you'll start acting funny / hesitant / unmanly around her. You've absolutely got to shift your thoughts off girls you like and onto something else, which is where having projects and passions you're working on come into play. It's no coincidence men with great passions also do well with women - they have a lot more to take up their thoughts, freeing them from overvaluing individual women. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 10 January 2013

Hi Anon, Wonderful to hear you're seeing some progress, man. Sounds like you've made some great headway from the days when women were losing interest quickly! Unfortunately with the girl in question in this comment, it looks like you ran into an escalation window - see her: Escalation Windows

Essentially, once you start kissing a girl, you've opened the escalation window to sex, and much of the time if you don't have sex relatively shortly thereafter (within a few hours, and sometimes much less... typically, it needs to be sometime before the mood is broken), the window closes, the girl backward rationalizes that she wasn't that interested in you and that's why the two of you didn't get together, and things are over. That's why it's better not to kiss until you have a girl alone with you. There's not much to say here except save kissing until you're alone with her for future girls, and keep getting out there and meeting new girls. You'll get it down, don't worry. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 10 January 2013

Hey M, Yes, you're exactly right: once you're into deep diving, you're asking the girl to qualify and explain herself to you, which she won't do if she's close to auto-rejection. Instead she'll just ignore this, and you'll get negative compliance. Deep diving does bring an attainability boost, but only after the girl shares about herself and sees that you understand and relate, and she typically won't do this if she's too close to auto-rejection.You're basically letting things cool off and calm down until she's ready for deep diving - and once you can get that going, you're set. The post on being non-judgmental - yes, that'd be a good one. I've been meaning to write one for sometime, actually - just for good measure, I've added it to the list (which I just realized I didn't have it on before). Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Hi Anon, For exactly the same reason that men don't fall in love with the women who throw themselves at them (calling these girls "sluts" and treating them disrespectfully and disdainfully), but DO fall in love with the one girl they cannot get (check out the very long comments section at the end of "Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls"). The human brain is wired to view things that are difficult to get as more valuable, because they typically are. A man who challenges women is one who isn't needy (which means he gets girls),

is comfortable with women (which means he gets girls), and prompts them to begin investing in him (which signals to them that he must be valuable for them to invest as they are). Women select mates based on hard-coded genetic value. Essentially, they want men who are good with women, because men who are good with women will give them sons who are good with women, and these sons will give them the best chance of spreading their genetic legacy far and wide. This measure reduces in importance as they age and begin looking to settle down; at that point, they become more willing to "settle;" that is, to accept men who aren't quite as challenging (or desirable). That's the age they begin to declare that they're "tired of the games" (that they loved so much when they were younger). That's the long answer. The short answer is, men who are a challenge to the right extent excite, thrill, tantalize, and scintillate women into action in ways that men who are not a challenge simply do not. It's like the difference between playing a video game that's really, really easy to beat, and one that's just challenging enough that you can almost beat it but keep losing at the last moment. You REALLY want to beat that latter one... but the former one, well... it's kind of a bore. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Hey Ash, Sounds like this girl IS chasing, in her own subtle way. She's messaging you to meet up... that's a good sign, and that's chasing! Sometimes you can accidentally chase when a girl's already chasing you, and it causes a total reversal of the chase dynamic where she's now running and you're now chasing. It happens. I usually write these girls off as girls I messed up with, take note of the lesson, and move on, though you can sometimes turn them around if you're so inclined (depends if it's worth it to you or not). I think that's Ricardus's 80/20 you're referring to; mine would be something closer to "focus on the 20% of girls who are meeting up with you and doing what you tell or ask them to do!" (which is pretty much what Ricardus means too). You might be having problems with this girl because the escalation failed, but it's not necessarily a death sentence... some of the time you can still land these girls. I'd guess that this particular one is of a somewhat different variety than the one Anon was talking about (and I replied to below your post); it sounds more like she isn't overly flirty, but leads

when she follows, only now she's being a bit evasive after mating was initiated but not completed. She'll have to logically decide she wants you at this point, because now she knows what will happen. So however things proceed, they'll go according to her decision: yes, she wants sex with you, and will put herself in a position for it to happen, or no she does not, and she won't. All you can do is try and get her out and see what her decision is. You can also try the failed mating attempt remedy I discussed in the article on second date strategies; that one can be challenging to pull off, but it's the highest percentage method when you've tried and failed to escalate things to intimacy. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Hi Anon, Here’s the problem with assuming that pretty girls must have a superiority complex. Imagine that every time you go out, women hit on you. Only… it isn’t BEAUTIFUL women. It’s okay women. And ugly women. And fat women. And every now and again, women who are attractive ENOUGH. Then one day, a BEAUTIFUL woman walks up to… this NEVER happens. Are you afraid she might reject you? Of course. Because, while you have abundance, you do NOT have absolute abundance, and the case is the same for every woman out there. I’ve never met a woman, ever, who was totally confident she could get an amazing, high quality man open to her dream relationship at the drop of a hat. It just doesn’t happen. So what happens is, if you’re the kind of man that women actually get excited about, then yes, ABSOLUTELY, they begin to fear losing you, and fear rejection. The more attractive and exceptional you make yourself, the more rare you become for progressively more women, and the more you run into this. On women giving you “poker faces”: I wouldn’t spend much time worrying about how women ought to treat you. Just assume that they are going to react to you however you make them feel. If they’re giving you a poker face, yes, exactly that – you haven’t won them over yet. There are two solutions to this:

1. Get better at winning them over 2. Get your fundamentals so solid that they’re excited to meet you, and AUTOMATICALLY won over Personally, I’ve always put more effort into the latter route than the former because, like you, I don’t like having to chase. I prefer entering interactions already on the advantage, rather than coming from behind. The higher status / more beautiful / more emotionally validated a woman is in any given situation, the tighter your fundamentals need to be if you don’t want this kind of reception. There’s no shortcut to this; same as a girl dressed in sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt with sloppy hair and no makeup and a voice that sounds like she spent the last decade smoking two packs a day is going to get a different reception from you than a girl who looks exactly like her, except with sexy clothes, sexy hair, neatly-done makeup, and a voice like a silver bell, you with tighter fundamentals is going to get a warmer reception than you with looser ones. It’s really just a function of how you stack up: how good is your style / fashion / posture / smile / eye contact / walk / edge / smoothness / approach / etc. Did you come in smoothly or did you stumble in? Did you pre-open? Did you have preselection or not? Are you talking too fast or nervous, or is the tempo of your voice just right and are you making ample use of pauses? Are you acting aloof to get her chasing if she’s acting aloof, and warm to reward her if she’s acting warm? All these things and a thousand more come into play in influencing whether you get a “poker face” or not. I wish I could say, “Do this one thing, and you’ll stop getting it,” but this kind of reaction is really an overall reaction to the complete package you present at any given time. So, the good news is, there are a thousand ways to tweak this. And the bad news is, there are a thousand ways to tweak this. Seek to improve a little bit every time you go out. Add another piece your arsenal. And gradually, with time, and with enough improvement, you’ll find you get this kind of reception less and less and less, and a warm / enthusiastic / excited reception less and less. Almost forgot – there is ONE quick fix you can play around with to see if it’s this. Sometimes, YOU can be coming in too cold for women (and you may not realize it). Where this is the case, women will often automatically respond with coldness in kind. I was guilty of this for a long time; what it was was, I was trying to protect my ego by not “putting myself out there” until I knew a girl liked me. Unfortunately, by hiding behind a veil of coldness, I inspired that very same reception for myself in many of the more socially-attuned (that is to say, beautiful) women I met. Once I recognized it and trained myself out of the habit and instead began acting passionate and warm and receptive instead of cold and walled off and dispassionate, this poker face reaction went way, way down.

Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 20 January 2013

Hi Matt, If a girl's apprehensive due to your status, the best thing you can do (provided you can do it) is meet her somewhere it's just the two of you where no one else will see her, get into a quick conversation that lets her see she's wrong about you, and then propose (confidently!) that the two of you meet up sometime (for food, for instance). Trade numbers. Then, just keep it on the down-low unless you begin dating and she chooses to let people know. Basically, she needs to know that you're going to protect her status, because in a status-oriented environment like high school is, that's more important than anything other than a boyfriend she's absolutely nuts about. You can also work on increasing your status - give yourself a status reboost by showing up one day in a revamped style, with a cool new haircut, and whether the initial wave of skepticism from people who think you're pretending - they'll get over it and accept that this is the new you, and then they'll start treating you very differently, assuming you are acting very differently. At that point, things get much easier. If they ask why the sudden change, you can simply say, "I'll be in college in 8 months. And I'm not going as the weird kid. So I want to start getting used to my new self now so that I'll have all the kinks worked out by the time I get there." Girls not making eye contact with you while talking to you - that's very strange. Could just be they're very shy / not socially very well-adjusted. Try leading and geting investment and compliance from them and see how they respond. Most of all... keep in mind it's still just high school, a weird / memorable / unnatural environment unlike any you've ever experienced before and any you'll ever experience again (well, unless you spend a lot of time on Facebook, that is). Enjoy it, but there's a lot more to come. Chase

Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 20 January 2013

Howdy Anon, The problem with ultra-conservative / closed off girls is that they can get their walls up to the point where they're rejecting out of hand almost every man they meet. If you have even the slightest hint of something they see as "threatening," you're out. The best advice I have on getting around this one is tweaking your vibe to the point that you don't set off any "threat" alerts. See "Better Than Jerk" on that one. As a player, you can get a lot of women, but there are some women who are completely closed off to the player because they see him as insincere, dangerous, scary, or manipulative. To get those girls, you need to move to the next level of being a "genuine guy." The genuine guy is still appealing to the same women the player appeals to, but he's also appealing to the women with walls up. So long as you don't flip any of her "danger" switches, you can move quickly with her. You've got to be extremely smooth, though. Otherwise, if you're not quite there yet, the best way to land a girl like this is to get her comfortable over a series of dates, ideally held in quick succession. For instance, she may not be open to sleeping with you until Date #5, but there's nothing that says that Date #5 can't happen within 2 weeks of Date #1 if you schedule them well and keep up momentum on running through your dates. Re: someone you see everyday, usually this is much harder, because the "risks" associated with a botched hook up are greater. e.g., if you're a total stranger, she can take a chance on hooking up with you fast because if it doesn't work out, well, she'll never see you and feel awkward, and no one else will ever know. But if she sees you everyday, she risks perpetual awkwardness, and she risks everyone else finding out. The less anonymous you are, the slower you end up being able to move (typically). Chase

Sprezzatura, Effort, and Investing

by Chase Amante Sunday, 10 April 2011

Question from a reader named Sam yesterday: Hi Chase, Just wanted to say thanks for all the great advice and content you post here. Some of this stuff is pure gold because I have had a few "ah ha" moments, especially about the interchangeability of value and good feelings, and this I think will take my game to a better level. More importantly though, it has greatly increased my understanding of relationships, not because you didn't know this, but you "just couldn't put it into words". Another thing I learned here was that I was making the mistake of investment, but from what I have read here, there are a few things to fix here and there on this part. Can you please write up a comprehensive post on investment? (haven't come across one here yet) And some of the dos

and don'ts of it. You did mention in one of your posts (chase framing post) your would write about "comprehensive investment / compliance post". You probably hear a lot of praise, but I'm just putting it out there that this is indeed great stuff. I honestly do wish I had come across your site earlier. All in all, you now have a regular reader. Investment's a great topic. It's one of those things that boggled the heck out of me early on, but it pays such incredible dividends in the end. Once you really get down a strong, solid gameplan for investment and you know what you're doing with it and you have your strategy for approaching investment in whatever situation, your interactions with women run so much more smoothly. Of course... getting there, well, that's the challenging part. What I want to focus on in this post is specifically answering Sam's question: how much should you be investing with women? Let's have a look at some of the dos, don'ts, and precisely why those dos and don'ts are dos and don'ts when it comes to a concept called sprezzatura, a close cousin of our Law of Least Effort. It's a bit much to get your head around, but once you've got the concept you're going to start seeing social interactions in an entirely different way.

Sprezzatura, Investment, and the Law of Least Effort Since I haven't talked about investment much in a while, let's have a quick refresher before diving in. Investment is the amount of time and effort you spend on a girl. It's any kind of time and effort, really: everything from doing things for her physically, to spending time thinking about her and pining over her. The way investment works is, the more you invest in someone (or something) else, the more invested you become, and the more your emotions tell you this someone or something else is important to you and needs to be held onto and retained. The implications for doing well with women are, of course, twofold: • •

The more invested in you a woman is, the more attached to you she'll become, and the more likely she is to go along with what you want to do, and The more invested in a woman you become, the more attached to her you'll become, and the more you're going to capitulate to what she asks you to do and work to not lose her.

Now, one of these is very good for succeeding with women. The other is rather detrimental to it.

The more invested in you women become, the more they want to be with you, and the more they're willing to do for you to maintain what they have with you. On the other hand, the more invested in a woman you become, the more you're going to shy away from taking bold action with her, the less aggressively you'll push things forward with her, and the more likely you are to do what she asks or tells you to do. Women don't like pushovers. In fact, as discussed in yesterday's post "The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends," the more time and effort you've spent on a woman without sleeping together with her, the less likely you are to bed her (contrary to what you'll hear just about everywhere else). Thus comes the Law of Least Effort, which states that the more you can achieve while appearing to put in less effort, the more attractive, powerful, and "cool" you are perceived as. In other words, what the Law of Least Effort is saying is, the more investment you get while giving as little investment as possible, the more desirable you seem to women and the stronger you seem to men. The Law of Least Effort is why kings sit on the throne while everyone else comes to them and stands and kneels. The Law of Least Effort is why women chase after rock stars and the band members have someone else pick out the prettiest ones and bring them to their rooms. The Law of Least Effort is why the male lion takes a nap all day and the females go out to hunt and bring him food and come to him to mate. The weak man flails his arms about wildly and rushes from place to place and accomplishes little. The strong man waves a hand and his will is done. Women like strong men. Check that – women love strong men. But without a solid understanding of the dynamics of investment and effort, most men's efforts to be perceived as strong are shots in the dark. That's why you see so many guys trying to be strong by tooling others. They do okay, until they run into a guy who understands investment and effort, and he obliterates them. When a guy makes a dumb comment or tries to belittle you, and you glance at him casually and skeptically and a slight smile spreads slowly across your lips as if he's just said something cute like what a little boy might say, then you turn your head casually back to resume doing or saying whatever you were doing or saying before his attempt to put you down, you've just... blown him out of the water. Effortlessly. Because he invested a great deal to put you on the defensive, but his efforts fell flat. He's on the suboptimal part of the effort diagram: he's invested much, but gained little in return. Actually, I whipped up a chart just for this post. Here it is:

Makes sense when you think about it, doesn't it? But how often have you ever thought about this before? This is one of those core, core aspects of human socializing and fundamentals that no one knows, and no one ever talks about. The man I mentored under early on in my studies of the social arts discusses a similar concept called sprezzatura, defined as "studied carelessness." I call it the Law of Least Effort. Whatever name you prefer, the end result is the same: if you're visibly expending a lot of effort while getting little in return, you're a bit of a joker to people; no one takes you seriously. If on the other hand you're putting out very little visible effort, but getting a lot of returns, people stare at you in awe and call you cool, awesome, powerful, sexy. Charming. Amazing.

The other two are the guys who don't do anything – the unknowns – and the guys who work hard and get returns – the peasants. That's the main thrust behind the Law of Least Effort. Most guys out there are jesters. We want you to be a king. But how, exactly, do you get there?

"Studied Carelessness" Notice that when we talk about sprezzatura, and when we talk about the Law of Least Effort, what we're actually talking about is putting in less visible effort. In other words, it's all about the appearance of being effortless. To get to that point, you may very well have to work yourself to the bone, though. Cultivating an appearance of studied carelessness – of effortlessness – is no small feat. It entails an understanding of social dynamics that few people ever come to possess. And it entails mastering the ability to get people to do what you want without having to expend much effort. That's two things right there that are essential to it. They are: • •

Learning to understand people very well, and Learning how to compel people to do what you want them to do very well.

Both, for obvious reasons, are essential to being a talented seducer and ladies man, so you're going to end up working hard to master both of those anyway. But you should also be seeking, as you learn them better and better, to incorporate their lessons into your presence and presentation; you should seek to minimize the visible effort you put in while maximizing your returns. Let's take this out of abstraction and look at an example so you can start seeing what I mean. Example Part 1 A man sees a woman across the room. He locks eyes with her, turns to face her fully, and strides across the room directly toward her. When he reaches her, he faces her fully and introduces himself. Example Part 2 A man sees a woman across the room. He feigns not noticing her, then talks to someone nearby him. Several minutes later, he strikes off, taking a circuitous route around the room, until he comes nearby to her. He acts as if he's just noticed her, and casually nudges her arm, getting her

attention. She looks at him first; he turns to face her a bit and locks eyes with her, and introduces himself. Of those two men, which would you say the woman felt more attraction to? Well, she probably thought the first guy was quite bold. But consider this: now that she has this expectation of him being this incredibly bold man, for walking across the room zeroed in on her, if he's anything less than incredibly bold and direct, do you think it'll work? Well... not really, it won't, no. He needs to be on fire, or be so accustomed to incredible boldness that it's simply the way he always is. There are a few men who can do that consistently – but most men can't. And reaching that level of consistent boldness, while a noble goal, is incredibly difficult. You can do it, but there are faster and easier paths to success with women. The second man in our example, everything seems so casual and natural and effortless. The woman isn't going to expect him to be incredibly bold. But if he is, she'll be still more impressed. And if he isn't, if he's still cool and in-control, she's going to be attracted. Because, from her perspective, he's put in very little effort to get to know her, but he does a good job of it anyway. That first guy put a lot of effort in, so he's going to be held to a much higher standard for results. If his results don't go above his already large outlay of effort, he's going to look tryhard. The second guy is held to a lesser standard for results since he put less effort in. That means that even if he doesn't get quite the results the bold guy does, comparatively he's going to appear more attractive, and women will be more willing to do something with him. This isn't speculation. This is rigorously tested. I've done the "walk across the room and boldly open" thing a number of times. You get strong reactions out of it; women either really dig it, or they're very dismissive. The ones that dig it though, if you don't move incredibly strongly and boldly with them right away, you lose them fast. Needless to say, I usually go the sprezzatura route and go for effortlessness. It means that even if I'm a little off, I still have a decent shot of moving things forward. You don't have to be perfect when you're visibly expending little effort. The funny thing is, the guy who navigates around the room to casually open a girl, when you think about it, he's actually expending more actual effort than the guy who just straight-lines it for the girl. But it isn't about actual effort – it's about the appearance of effort. The king may be crunching inordinate amounts of numbers in his head and stressing like crazy over how to get the population what they want and not incite rebellion and how to manage the drama going on between his wife and his head concubine, and he may be putting in late nights planning and strategizing and figuring it all out. But when people come before him on the throne, he only sits there calmly and gives them orders.

He's the hardest working man in the kingdom. But he creates the appearance of achieving all the results he achieves on the expenditure of little effort, and it makes him seem all the more powerful.

Finding the Right Balance Before you go thinking you want to invest nothing, keep this in mind: you must invest at least a little to achieve results. The king still has to open his mouth and speak for his will to be done. The challenge to sprezzatura is finding the right line to walk to generate the results you want to generate without putting in too much visible effort. Some suggestions: •

Keep correspondence with women short, direct, and to-the-point; use it primarily to arrange face-to-face meetings.



Master the arts of deep diving and conversation to get women talking a great deal while speaking sparingly yourself.



Learn to move slowly and regally; powerful men don't jerk around or move much. Strong men have abundant levels of stillness.



Learn the right voice tone for giving commands. You'll often want to raise your voice at the end of a command, as if it were a question, without actually making it a question. This raises buy-in substantially and eliminates much of the chance a woman resents you for giving her a command (more common with Western women).



Learn to respond to jokes or insults with subtle facial expressions instead of verbal responses. In fact, learn to respond to many things that don't necessarily need a verbal contribution with expressions instead.



Talk slowly and use lots of pauses. Powerful men don't speed through their conversation; they take their time to make a point.

Once you have those down fairly well, you'll notice you start getting greater and greater returns on lower and lower amounts of visible effort. You may still be expending a greater degree of actual effort, processing everything and learning new behavioral patterns. But the cool part about it is, once you've learned it, it becomes second nature – then, socializing does become truly effortless.

When it reaches the point where it's easy and natural and it just flows, and all you have to do is start talking to girls and things just work and they somehow just end up in your bed... that's when you know you've made it. Sprezzatura. Just remember you want to be the king – leave being the jester to all the other guys out there. Chase Amante Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 15 April 2011

Hey Sam, thanks very much for the props and you're quite welcome for the post. This is something I've heard people talk about in bits and pieces before but I haven't seen put together fully anywhere. It's one of my theoretical things I'm working on to contribute to the field of the social arts. It gets a lot more involved, but I'm slowly teasing it all out. The cool thing is, effort stuff has applications just about everywhere, as you note. If you use the concept of effort-results to underpin your social interactions, you'll find you improve quite fast. It's effects end up being rather amazing when you're using it properly. It's a basic program running under the hood in human value calculations about nearly everything. And, while effort doesn't necessarily lead to attraction, for sure man, I wrote this out on your suggestion -- so now, I suppose, I feel a bit more invested in you ;) Cheers brother, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Hey Ben, Ah, no fun being the nice guy. Fortunately, if you're a nice guy, that means you're also probably a pretty decent human being which means, if you can force yourself to make the changes you need to make, once you've given yourself more of an edge you'll find it easier to transition to the top echelon of being a genuine guy than the guy who's a bit of an asshole by default will. I actually come from a sales background myself (sold tires from 2001 - 2006; consistently one of the top salesman in the region), and I've long been somewhat of an armchair psychologist, so that's where a lot of the sales / psychology influence is seeping in from ;)

In any event, you're quite welcome, and hope you're able to start getting the edge you need to make some waves! Best, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Hey Cam, That's a cool question. Sprezzatura-ing your way into after parties actually isn't uncommon, provided your dressed reasonably well and you've got cool conversation. When you seem chill and people in the group like you, you stand a good chance of getting invited in. The most important part is usually making one strong, good connection off the bat. Find somebody cool, and get into an engaging conversation with that person. When it's time for him or her to go rejoin the party, she'll get you in. I'd say about 80% of the time I've gone this route, the person's invited me in. A few times some cat I spent 10 or 15 minutes talking to didn't invite me into an exclusive party, which wasn't too cool of them, but most people will. I might do a post on this at some point -- how to get into parties and after parties. Fun stuff though. Chase

When Women Test Men

by Chase Amante Sunday, 20 March 2011

Women nearly universally display a social behavior with men they like that's often referred to as "testing." Testing is what women do when they're looking to see if a man is strong and congruent with himself; in other words, if he really is all the man he's presenting himself to be. Asking a man to do something for her, or teasing him with sexual suggestions to see if he jumps at the opportunity or gets overexcited, or dropping hints with regards to her own promiscuity or relationship status to see if he gets defeated and walks away – all those are "tests," and there are many other varieties. Testing often gets a bad rap with men. It gets called annoying, frustrating, or petty – but still, all but the absolute most innocent, trusting, inexperienced women – the ones who don't know men any better yet – do it. But why do women test men, and how do you act in testing situations? That's the subject of this post: what to do when women test you.

Why Women Test Men You've got to understand first that when a woman is dealing with a man she's considering as a potential mate, one of her top priorities is finding out if this guy really is a strong, confident, successful man. In both primal times and still today, ending up pregnant with the child of a weak, unsuccessful man meant and means bad news: lack of proper support from that man; lack of protection by him; susceptibility to the risks of the weak (jealousy, insecurity, anger, spousal abuse); a far higher chance of having a weak child. Weak men are dangerous men. But a woman can't go by just what a man says when she's trying to assess his strength. If she asks a man, "Are you a strong, successful, confident man?" every single man, no matter how true or not it is for him, is going to say, "Why yes of course I am." There's a learning curve in women; the least experienced women often haven't realized the need to test men yet, so might not test men much, and what tests they do try are clumsy and weaker men make it past them more easily. As women grow in experience with men, though, their tests get tighter and more pointed and they get better at figuring out the strong men from the rest with speed, accuracy, and efficiency. In the game of mating, the arms race is ongoing; the men who want to position themselves as ideal mates and cover up their flaws, and the women who want to separate the wheat from the chaff and expose what flaws exist and where they exist. Women test men to better to know who those men really are. They test them to know whether they truly are strong – or whether they're just pretenders. They use tests because the same test that rolls off the nose of a strong man without ruffling a single feather of his will completely throw off a less confident man, and send him scrambling into damage control. As it were, tests are an extremely effective method for women to find out how strong and successful and confident a man really is, because responses to tests are quite difficult to fake. Women are looking mostly at a man's nonverbals, and nonverbals are extremely challenging to misrepresent. It's easier to just get strong and confident and successful than it is to fake being strong and confident and successful. For understanding why women test, it's helpful to understand the emotions a woman is feeling when she tests. The emotions typically are one of the following: • • • •

Playfulness Frustration Disgust Dismissal

All, stated otherwise, "borderline" emotions. Emotions she feels when she's on the fence about a guy and not dead-set on going to bed with him or, conversely, on counting him out as a sexual option altogether. If a woman is testing a man playfully, it's because she's interested, but not yet convinced. She's enjoying spending time with him, but doesn't take him fully seriously yet (that doesn't mean she won't later). Her sentiment is basically, "This guy is cute. I wonder if he's the real deal..." If a woman's testing a man in frustration, disgust, or dismissal, she's in one of a variety of stages of auto-rejection and is, by testing him, throwing him a lifeline at redemption. Her sentiment is basically, "I hope he says or does the right thing in response to this test and makes me change my mind about him." Take note that women will not test two specific types of men: • •

Men they are 100% committed to being with, and Men they are 100% not interested in.

So if you're not being tested, it's because a woman either has written you off entirely as not a valid option, or she's so entranced and in-love with you that she hasn't a doubt in her mind that you are the one she wants to be with. An example of the former – the guy she's written off – might be a guy she's just friends with in a very platonic way. An example of the latter – the guy she's head-over-heels with – might be a guy who's in a local rock band and she knows exactly what she wants with him – a quick fling or one-night stand, for instance – and she's fully committed to getting it.

Passing the Tests Women Give The first thing you'll need to start successfully passing tests from women is a good understanding of the Law of Least Effort in social situations. You want to be getting maximal results with minimal visible effort whenever and wherever possible socially. The impact a good understand of the Law has on your responses to testing is immediate. Once you know you shouldn't be jumping up and down and bending over backward for women who haven't already put in a similar level of investment for you (and even if they have put in a lot, you still don't want to go too far), you'll stop making some of the most common mistakes men make. Here's how women test men, with a handful of the more common tests you'll see, and here to is how men often fail those tests: Scenario One: Drinks Girl: Will you get me a drink?

Man: Sure, definitely. What do you want? Scenario Two: Hand on Her Arm or Leg Girl: Would you mind not touching me like that? I don't like being touched. Man: Oh, sorry. [moves hand] Scenario Three: Resistance Girl: I can't go sit with you, sorry; I have to stick close to my friends. Man: Oh, okay. Scenario Four: Temptation Girl: So what is it you want to do with me, exactly? Man: Umm... nothing! I just want to talk to you! If you possess even a small degree of social intuition, you can feel in your gut that those responses to women are weak and wrong. As for women, they have a lot more than a mere modicum of social intuition, and those kinds of responses ring like alarm bells telling them the man responding this way is not a man of strength and self-possession. Quite often, a single weak response like this can be enough to sink you. Think about that for a moment there: one weak response can derail an entire seduction. That's especially true early on; once a woman is fairly certain she likes you, and she's invested in you, you're allowed a little leeway, so if you slip up a bit later on, you stand better odds of getting a second chance than had you made a similar slip before she started feeling connected to you and before she became invested in you. This is why it's so important to move fast with women and start on deep diving right away and get them investing in and connecting to you in a hurry. The sooner a woman's invested in and connected to you, the fewer tests you'll see, and the more slack you'll be given if your responses aren't perfectly on point at times. Back to the tests themselves. Thing is, if you're a beginner or you're early in the intermediate phase of developing your skill set with women, even if you know these kinds of responses – where you put in too much effort by over-investing or by retreating on your positions or defending yourself – are wrong, you still do them anyway. Why is that? It's mostly because, until you've been battle-hardened a bit, you won't be prepared to react. All the martial arts training in the world won't do much to steel you against that first big fight you end up in; once you have a bunch of men socking you in the face, all those years of training go out the window and you fall back on pure instinct and defensiveness. It takes repeated exposure to situations where you're getting physically hit to be able to remain calm and to follow your

training despite the immediacy of the situation. This is every bit as true with meeting women and riding out tests; even when you know exactly how you ought to respond to a test, early on you'll often find yourself defaulting to weak or defensive responses regardless. Don't beat yourself up too much over this; just recognize that you need more exposure and more time in the field meeting live women and experiencing the things women test men with in real life to develop the thick skin to it you need to remain calm and composed and follow your training. Let's have a look now at some examples of how a collected, self-assured man would reply to the same tests we used above from women. Facial expressions, body language, and tonality are all crucial here; a woman's paying even more attention to what you communicate nonverbally than to what you say verbally when you respond to a test of hers. You want to be a sexy man and be charming and evocative as you reply – so don't just work on the words; work on the delivery, too. Scenario One: Drinks Girl: Will you get me a drink? Man: Maybe later, if you're good. What brought you out tonight? Scenario Two: Hand on Her Arm or Leg Girl: Would you mind not touching me like that? I don't like being touched. Man: You mean… like this? [slapping other hand on her right next to where first one is, and smiling like he's just about to start laughing; it's a game to him] Girl: I just don't like it when people I don't know touch me. Man: [laughs] Okay, party pooper. You want an awkward wall of no-touching between us, fine. [moves hands] I still might go find a ruler or something to reach out and caress your cheek with later once you've decided I'm the man of your dreams. Scenario Three: Resistance Girl: I can't go sit with you, sorry; I have to stick close to my friends. Man: Yes you can. Come sit with me; it's just over here. You'll be plenty close to your friends. Scenario Four: Temptation Girl: So what is it you want to do with me, exactly?

Man: Well, the first thing I want to do with you is have you keep me company while I drink my drink. After that... hmm, we'll see.

Maintain Your Cool The most important part about passing a test is maintaining your cool and staying composed. Even if you do do what the girl asks you to do, do it like you meant to do it and wanted to do it anyway. Remember that seeking to throw you off balance – either playfully, or in the hopes that you'll turn around her views of you – is the principal driving motivator in how women test men. Women do many things with the intention of exploring a man's reaction; it's how they learn about him and his feelings toward them. By keeping your composure and staying cool, you communicate that you are in-control, self-possessed, non-needy, and every bit the kind of man she hopes you are. Above all, don't resent women for testing you. They test every man they aren't 100% certain of, whose minds they don't feel they can read 100%, and even after you've slept with a girl, even after you've made her your girlfriend, even after you've made her your wife, she'll keep testing you anyway for the rest of your and her time together. She must constantly assess if you continue to be strong enough to protect her and provide for her, and whether you're showing signs of instability, weakness, or decay – because, as we mentioned at the beginning of this post, those things are very dangerous to women. Strong, confident men don't harm and hinder women. Weak, unstable ones do. So stay cool. Stay nonplussed and unreactive in the face of even tough testing. And smile inwardly to yourself every time you face a test – whether you pass, or whether you don't – because you'll know that each time, you're getting trained a little more about what to expect, and a little more of the fog of war is being lifted as you become better and better prepared to face and handle tests going forward. Also note that whether you're using chase frames and flirting with girls effectively or not is going to play a big role in whether you receive tests; as you position yourself more and more as the pursued, and her more and more as the pursuer, it is increasingly you who will be testing her – and not the other way around. Ultimately, with time, as you learn to handle them properly and as you employ more chase framing and flirting in your interactions, tests fade in importance from your awareness. Someone asked me a few months ago if women still test me. I said, "No, they don't; I can't remember the last time I got tested." But then I thought about it, and I realized that yes, they test me all the time; I just am so comfortable with tests that I always pass with flying colors and they don't even register as tests. Just like women's objections, you come to smile at tests and know that they are opportunities that, when handled properly, you'll see a noticeable spike in attraction and interest following your handling of them.

So, I won't say "enjoy tests," because while with time you'll come to enjoy them, first you've got to get through that initial period where they genuinely are a pain to deal with. But, if you put in the time meeting women and getting to know them, you'll face many a test down the line, and the more you face, the more you'll come to handle them with confidence and panache. So maybe, don't enjoy tests... but do try not to mind them too much.

Women's Jealousy/Mind Games Posted by Anonymous on Friday, 25 January 2013

I have lost count of the number of times women have tried to make me jealous with some other guy and I have always done the same thing - nothing. It's actually quite amusing (unless it concerns a close friend and a wedge being driven between us) letting them enjoy the initial phases of their jealousy strategy, and then watching them gradually end up stuck with the guy they chose to use to try and make me jealous. I've had women end up getting pregnant to the jealousy tactic guy and still stuck years later tearing their hair out dealing with raising kids with some guy they can't even stand, all because of a stupid game they tried to play with someone who didn't even find them particularly appealing in the first place (and most of the girls who have tried this tactic with me have ranged from me not being attracted to them at all, to being only mildly interested). In cases where I have actually had strong feelings for the young woman who unfortunately decided to resort to the jealousy tactic (which I am sometimes partially lay the blame with myself for as I like things to develop slowly with those who I feel are special and potentially 'the one', thus they get frustrated), as disappointed and heartbroken as I have been, I have just sat back and watched the same thing happen. I must say I've been tempted to intervene, but I could simply never ever allow myself to respond to this jealousy nonsense in any other way, and as soon they choose to go down that path they're a write-off, no matter how strong the feelings I had for them were. I will let them die. To all those who say things like 'you must move fast or you will lose that woman to somebody else', 'no good woman will wait about' etc., I would say that women have minds and feelings of their own and aren't passive, fickle little barbie dolls who need to be chased, persuaded and stolen from somebody else. They can either feel it in their gut if they find a particular man is special or they can't, and if they choose to move onto another man because they feel the guy they want is not moving fast enough for them without trying to communicate with him in any way, then they immediately make a very foolish and often irreparable move in a potentially wonderful relationship. So to any guy who has been in this situation, and there are many as so many women clearly choose this idiotic path, you have not 'missed the boat', not lost a good woman - just identified one that isn't of value. Whereas she, on the other hand, has destroyed a potentially lifelong partnership over a completely irrational maneuver. I also find it hard to comprehend how so many women actually believe this nonsense that if a man really wants them he will chase after them and tell them no matter what. A man with an

attitude to jealousy tactics as outlined above for instance will stick to his principles and never bend in such circumstances. But aside for that, there could be literally thousands of reasons why a man may be reluctant to approach a woman he has deep feelings for and spill his heart out ranging from him having something as serious as a terminal illness, to him having gotten excessively concerned about something which isn't even a problem at all. In situations like this, once again, it's the woman who chooses to act irrationally and in haste that ultimately loses. How can anyone logically argue otherwise if a woman chooses to act in this way without even attempting communication? Bottom line guys - If a woman chooses to try and manipulate you with some stupid game just watch her play it on her own and then watch her ultimately end up stewing in her own juice/mess of her own making. And if a woman who you thought was special jumps to someone else (often a part of the jealousy tactic itself) and demonstrates she feels you weren't worth waiting for (or at least wants you to think that), then she has ultimately only demonstrated that she wasn't good enough for you.

@ "Women's Jealousy/Mind Games" Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, 7 March 2013

Dude, your comments read like Shakespeare. It's almost like I wrote it myself. I can check nearly every column you mentioned - being indifferent to their games, and walking away from a manipulator no matter how great the attraction may be. I've lost what I thought were "good" ones in the process, and now that some years have passed on more than a few, I see that I dodged some pretty nasty bullets. Nowdays, I would let a girl who plays these kinds of games go without a second thought. My "test" is whether or not she continually tries to "test" me. It's pretty easy to pass - ask me instead of manipulating me and I'll tell you or stop at nothing to meet your requests, and my GF of 3+ years agrees that communication is ALWAYS the best strategy. Play games, and you will fail something epic. That is my "Battle hardened tactic." Funny how most manipulators/players will rabidly claim to be independent, but can't figure out how to love themselves without the presence of a man/woman in their life. Also, I grew up with two women in my adolescence, and understand the need for companionship, but I also understand the difference between a truly strong woman and a needy person who derives his/her self worth from the ability to manipulate or use others. For BOTH sexes - it is well documented that the COMMON SENSE, ABSOLUTELY FOOLPROOF METHOD to finding the best mates is to pick those who have already proven themselves in a LTR. If it was with someone you know to be less than stable, it's probably a safe bet -- no games required to gauge the firmity of character. However, if the person they left is known to be more stable, you are almost certainly walking right into a trap.

But if you have to play teenage level games in order to see what kind of person you are dealing with, you are not worthy. Period. Haste is the reason you have to play these games in the first place -- learn to take things slowly, and you don't won't have to worry about placing high levels of trust in a person you don't know right away. Trust me, communication, honesty, and respect will win even the toughest of souls over when coupled with determination and patience. And if a person is not interested in you, move on. Dating is complicated enough as it is, and strategies like that outlined in the above article will definitely make your life worse. PS - There are a rapidly growing number of inexperienced men who are zeroing in on these stupid manipulation tests, and learning how to artificially defeat them, regardless of this article's accuracy. You are up against a man's primal thirst for sex, and he will deploy cunning strategies to get what he wants. If you want to know if it's real, the only tactic you need is to see if his pursuit is sustained and exclusive to you. Be warned (or find out the hard way if you must) that jealousy will make even a good hearted man turn sour without warning. And keep in mind that a man who is unflappable... is also likely to be uncompromising. There's a reason he is "in control," and you can bet your last dollar that he will always be the one in control.

Secrets to Getting Girls: Chase Framing

by Chase Amante Thursday, 1 July 2010

Alright gentlemen, if you feel like fishing with dynamite, I’m going to show you how in this post on Chase Framing. This is how to get girls to chase you. If your goal is women pursuing you, women chasing after you, women trying to sleep with you… chase framing is the closest thing to a magic bullet you can come. Mix in investment and always moving things forward, and you’ll have the recipe for a lot of fast sex and strong relationships with women who want you with a passion. First, something in the way of a definition. Chase Framing is what we call the way a man positions himself as the object of a woman’s desires and efforts to seduce, by two key subtle strategies: investment and humor. We’re going to look at both of those here, but in particular I want to focus on the power of humor and how it can be used to set an ironclad chase frame. A little note on the way the brain processes suggestions. The human mind is a powerful tool, adept at taking in thoughts and ideas from all over its environment. And when people suggest things, the mind captures those suggestions, imagines them, and considers them. And once the mind has imagined something, it is almost a kind of memory, albeit one that typically lacks the kind of strong emotional punch and immediacy of a true memory.

When we talk about using humor to set a chase frame, one of the main reasons why this is so effective is because every time you joke about a woman chasing after you, fantasizing about you, or doing something with you, you are painting that picture in her head.

Sexual Humor The humor side of chase framing takes advantage of another way the brain reacts to stimuli in its environment, by using a technique called “anchoring”. Ever have a negative person in your life? Maybe a friend, maybe a coworker, maybe a family member, maybe an ex-girlfriend. And every time you spoke with this person, he or she made you feel bad? Eventually, just thinking of that person makes you feel bad. Now, ever have a teacher, or a supervisor, or a friend, who just inspired you, and made you feel good, and made you feel like you could do anything you set your mind to? Just thinking about this person makes you feel good, doesn’t it? And you want to spend as much time with him or her as possible. Because you’ve anchored positive emotions to the thought of this individual. Sexy humor combines these two elements – it gets girls imagining the two of you together, and it gets them doing so in a way that’s fun and enjoyable and pleasurable – they’re laughing and having a good time. These kinds of imaginings are really the next best thing to actual memories – sure, you’ve never met this woman before, never dated her, never slept with her, never had a relationship with her before. But through sexy humor, you can help her imagine what that might be like, and open her to the possibility of the two of you getting together. To make this work, you’ll first need a sense of humor. The good news is, your sense of humor is something learned – so if you don’t have one, you can learn one; and if you have one but it needs some brushing up, you can brush it up. It just takes a little time, is all. I may get around to writing a primer on humor in general, but it’s a bit of an ephemeral subject. For now, let’s just say that if you are short on humor and want to develop your sense of it, start by picking out some comedians whose style you admire and would like to emulate, and start working to incorporate that style into your own conversations and interactions on a day-to-day basis. As for sexy humor… I’ll start with a few examples. Basically, the idea is to just integrate this style of humor into your regular conversation. It can range from the subtle to the sophomoric – use your judgment, and realize that it depends greatly on the girl. In general though, even the relatively crude stuff most women find funny and attractive. Good rule of thumb: if she’s laughing, she likes it. Girl: What do you want to eat? I’m kind of craving hot dogs. Guy: Craving MY hot dog, probably. Why do you want to eat hot dogs? Girl: What do you think we should do? Guy: You probably don’t want to know. I don’t know if you’re ready for that yet. Girl: What’s your favorite band? Guy: The rubber kind. I use them to tie women up and do naughty things to them. Girl: I hate when you go to a restaurant and service is slow and lazy. Guy: Are you telling me you like it fast and hard?

The above are some very basic examples of sexy humor. They use reinterpretation and suggestions to plant the thought of you and a girl doing things together, or at the very least get her thinking about sex around you. There are a few rules when it comes to sexy humor. Some of them include: •

Avoid being blatantly overt. Usually you won’t want to use blatant sex words like “sex” “cock” “pussy” “vagina” etc. When you make a sexy humorous comment, quite often it’s the implied meaning that makes it so fun



Decide whether to let it hang, or keep moving. Sometimes it’s better to drop a sexy joke and let it hang and sink in, and give a girl a chance to respond. Other times – especially if it’s something that’s almost overt and you think she’ll most likely object to it – you want to keep moving in the conversation immediately after you make the remark, and get back to normal conversation (see the hot dog response for an example of this)



Make sure to use appropriate facial expressions so she knows you’re kidding! A sly, mischievous smile, and looking at her out of the corners of your eyes are great ways to show her it’s all in good fun

Actually, as I’m writing this, I’m talking to a very cute girl I know via chat. Here’s some actual dialog from our conversation to give you an idea what this might look like in context: Chase: Job Requirements: A man of principle and integrity Chase: lol Chase: damn it, there goes that opportunity! Girl: what don’t you have? Girl: integrity? Girl: or principle? Chase: neither Chase: i just got skill, baby Girl: haha Girl: what kinda skill my dear? Chase: i don’t know if that’s appropriate for me to say Chase: there are cats in the room here with me

Perfect example of what’s outlined above: notice how the sexual content is implied, but even when she attempts to get me to lay it out plainly, I don’t. I could possibly have laid it out plainly in a humorous way (“the kinda skill that makes women scream things like the opposite of NO!”), but it’s vaguely selfqualifying, so does a little damage to my value. Better (and funnier) to further imply the way I did (saying it isn’t appropriate for me to say). One other example from the same conversation, when I mentioned that I had some software program she wants and she busted my balls on it: Girl: you have one? Girl: where? Girl: your ass? Girl: why, can you give it to me now??? Girl: lol Chase: hey, you don’t get to use my ass for free Girl: haha Girl: I will let you use my puppy’s for free Girl: oh Girl: so when are you going to sell your car again? Chase: yes, that’s just what i want Chase: to use your puppy’s ass Chase: ew Girl: He is a great licker Girl: trust me Girl: haha Chase: lmao Chase: like how you throw that “trust me” in there Chase: not sure what you trained him to lick… Chase: ;) Girl: all sick stuff

Girl: haha Chase: gonna try to sell it asap Chase: was supposed to sell it today, but this old chinese guy went crazy when i didn’t reply to his email in like 5 hours Notice how you can press the sexual humor even as she tries to change the topic with the car question (in this case, because I felt I could get a little more enjoyment out of the exchange), but then once we’ve had enough of it, you just switch back to neutral topics – here, answering her earlier question about selling my car. Sexual humor is great. Once you get halfway decent at it, and develop a real instinct for it, you’re able to use it, pump girls up with sexual joking, and right when they start feeling like it’s almost too much, you… immediately change course and go to something totally neutral. You take it to the edge, but don’t go over. That’s one big part of setting yourself up as a sexual guy, and implying that she is chasing after you. There are all kinds of ways that you can joke around with her in a way that says, “Hey, I know you want me.”

Investment Another big part of how to get girls chasing you is getting them to invest. Still planning to write a comprehensive investment / compliance post, but for all intents and purposes let’s put it like this: “Get girls putting in work for you, with you, and around you, and they will begin to see you as someone they are pursuing.” Here’s a quick primer on compliance – once I get a complete post on it finished, I’ll try to remember to throw a link in this post over to that post. For now, a little bit on the basics: 1. Girls should be investing around you from the moment you meet them. This means physical investment – you have them give you their hand so you can look at a piece of jewelry or show them something. This means verbal investment – they try to impress you, or they mention something you like and you tell them to tell you about that and they do. It means emotional investment – they get excited, curious, intrigued by you, and feel a range of emotions toward you. 2. You should be accepting and rewarding all investment you get – even if it’s for something you aren’t all that interested in. When a woman you like offers you investment of any kind – whether it’s something you actually care about, or not (say, she offers to give you some small

item that you don’t really want), it is FAR better to accept, and thus give her your approval and appreciation, than it is to decline (and thus show her disinterest / lack of appreciation). 3. Learn to be aware of investment. Everything is investment – even small things like whether she is leaning in to talk to you, whether she is focused intensely on you, whether any part of her body is touching you. Be aware of how much work she is putting in to be with you, and seek to increase the amount – even small things add up. As she invests more, she’ll begin to feel that she is pursuing more. If you are accepting her investment and rewarding her for it properly, you will create a dynamic of her chasing after you, you making her feel good for doing so, and her continuing to do so. That’s how to get girls to chase you. That’s what a chase frame is – implying that she’s chasing after you, with words and humor, and ACTUALLY getting her chasing after you, with compliance and investment. Combine those things, and you’re off to the races. Yours, Chase Amante

Re: does this work the other way around? Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 8 July 2011

Hey Anon, Well, first, I'll throw in a disclaimer: I can give you some theoretical advice, and what I think would work on me and other men, but as a guy my experiences are going to be quite different from what a woman using something like this on a man would have. So chances are, an experienced female player is probably going to be able to give you much tighter advice than I am. That said, yeah, normally bad dynamic for a girl to be the one inviting the guy to come over and hook up. On the other hand, I've dated some pretty dynamic women, and I know from talking to them about their pasts that they tend to date a lot of passive men, and they (the women) quite often end up being the initiators of damn near everything. So I guess I'd say: * If you're in-charge and calling the shots in the relationship, you're still okay. * If he's in-charge but you're chasing after him, you need to course-correct.

Guys backing away after you've slept together are tough to control for. The old adage is "men chase for sex and women chase for relationships;" once he's already taken you to bed a few times, it's going to be a tough task to keep him around if he doesn't want to stick around. Your best option is probably to make him want you more. Talk to him about his previous girlfriends, find out what he fantasizes about, and then work to position yourself as that. Spend time with him, be sexy and coy and tease him a bit... get him excited about it before you go to bed. What's a lost art with both men and women these days is creating the whole experience of sensuality and desire outside of the bedroom -- perhaps study some sultry, sexy vixens in the movies and see if you can adapt some of what they do to your own style. Chase framing like this might be okay, but I'd be a little wary of it. Most men don't take as well to witty / wordy women as women do to men of that style. Men get turned on far more by women being flirty and sexual without having to say anything about getting physical. e.g., picture a girl teasing a guy about intimacy... versus a girl sucking on a strawberry while looking at her guy out of the corner of her eyes. Yum, right? As a woman, you probably have a pretty good feeling for what's sexy in other women and what isn't when you see it. So whatever you feel like doing, I'd say imagine another girl doing it, and ask yourself if it's sexy -- or if she ought to take things back to the drawing board. Cheers -- and hope you enjoy the rest of the summer ;) Chase

Re: i dont know if im getting the order of your stuff right... Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 11 September 2011

Hey PG, I don't think of things as all that orderly myself, but for someone just starting out I'd say work on connecting first, and adding a sexual vibe later. Primarily that's because connecting is what you'll use to get women to stick around; a sexual vibe in and of itself lends itself to a lot of flakiness from women. Connections and conversations keep them around; sexiness and edginess excites them and

makes them want more. Once you've developed both skills though, you'll need to feel a girl out to a certain extent, but yes, you should be sprinkling chase framing / other light sexual humor in with your conversation and connection. It keeps things from getting too heavy (see "Spell Broken"), and makes your intentions clear. As for my relationship status... well, I discuss my personal life somewhat on this site, but I aim for this to be more educational and informative than straight-up personal. Most of the readership on here is normal guys living normal lives who want to do better with girls, so that's what I write to help guys do. Discussing my own lifestyle and views, which, simply due to my own experiences and abilities, are very far outside the mainstream, ends up being outside the scope of the site. But, yes and no to your questions: I haven't been single since 2006, really... intermittent bursts, but never for long even then not entirely single, and women are a very abundant resource. I have indeed found the right girl, and quite a few of them: beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, accomplished, ambitious girls with great personalities and wonderful homemaking skills. I don't really get bored; I've extensively remapped my brain through practice and meditation, and boredom and excitement are largely gone for me. Sex I find somewhat enjoyable, but I'm fine without it; I choose to pursue it for my own reasons, which aren't especially relatable to most guys out there (I'm purpose-driven rather than pleasure-driven; most people are pleasure / happiness-driven: their goal in life is to be happy, which is a goal I understand but don't share). As to your questions on relating, yes, saying less is a choice option and highly recommended. Be intriguing and give some information but not all. Make women wonder what else lies behind the curtain. Ultimately, you do want her to feel like you have things for her to discover forever. The moment a woman feels she knows you completely is the moment you stop being intriguing, interesting, and exciting, and become yesterday's news. Compliance test -- yes, you've got it. Ask for investment, see how she responds. Standards -- whatever you like, though I recommend having standards of looking for interesting people (and then learning to be good at drawing out what's interesting about everyone you meet) and being an edgy, sexual guy who moves fast. Props on working out; it's not impossible to get girls when you're out of shape, but being in shape gives you like a 15% edge or so, depending on how big you started out at, and that can be quite significant. Anyway, hope this helps, PG. If you keep at it, you'll make strides and see improvements.

Keeping Your Cool: Don't Chase Women

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The other day, a reader wrote in with a question about keeping your cool when women are being flighty or slow to respond, in reference to the post on what to do when girls flake: “In your article on girls not returning texts, I was wondering what your idea of a socially savvy way to deal with it was. I've found it hard not to take this personal, especially when it's from girls I've known longer that still do it. I understand it's quite common, but to me there's really no excuse. I'd much rather hear "I'm not interested" than waste my night waiting around, especially when considering how girls get when guys don't call them back.” You know, a long, long time ago -- it almost seems like another life -- I made it a point to respond to every single person who texted or called me, no matter what. I looked at it as a matter of honor, and took it as a point of pride -- I was reliable. And it annoyed me to no end when people didn't respond. Like the reader above, I couldn't understand people who didn't respond -- I thought it rude, and I considered it inexcusable. Of course you can take 10 seconds to text a reply, or 10 minutes to return a phone call, I'd think to myself. I considered it a personal slight, those people who didn't respond. I see things a lot differently nowadays. Often, I don't even notice when one person or another -when one girl or another -- hasn't responded, until maybe much later -- and perhaps never at all. And, for all my earlier "principles" on being 100% reliable in responding to those who contacted me, I'm now sitting at somewhere decidedly below a 100% response rate -- maybe 85%, maybe 90%. I still try

to respond most times, but it's no longer an unbreakable rule. The reason why I changed -- both in how I saw it when others didn't respond, and in why I don't chase women with texting or phone calls anymore and why I don't always respond when people chase me anymore -- is what I want to share with you here.

Things Done Changed: More People, More Problems Although I am a good bit more flakey than I used to be, and a good bit less responsive than I once was, I still try my best to be reliable and responsive. I think being responsive says good things about a man. But, well, you see, life's changed. I routinely get texts, emails, and messages from girls wanting to meet up with me. Girls I'd met before who are telling me they're going to be in town and want to see me. Girls I've spent time with at earlier dates who say they miss me and want to know why I'm not on instant messenger anymore or Facebook anymore or why I don't talk to them anymore and what happened to me. Well, two things:

1. I'm swamped -- like, literally, I'm working between 10 and 16 hours a day, juggling a social life, trying to get back to the gym, and I'm still falling farther and farther behind in everything I need to get done. I really can't spare another 2 or 3 or 4 hours a day responding to every single person who wants a response that day, and that includes a lot of women who want to meet up or chat or whatever. 2. I've realized that these are girls who want to take up my time and offer little in return. It used to be that I'd just go for any girl I had a chance with who was reasonably attractive and had a tolerable personality. Now, just because of where I'm at with things, even if a pretty cute girl is chasing me hard, if she can't fit herself into my schedule or I'm not super sold on her, there's a good chance we aren't going to meet up. Here's the thing: you can't tell people this stuff, because it makes you sound like a dick. I'm not trying to be a dick. I really do feel a little bad each time some girl is messaging me excitedly to meet up... and I don't respond right away, because I'm busy, or just lazy, and then don't even remember that she messaged me again until like 2 weeks later. Whoops. Of course, when I didn't have as much choice with women, it would be more like, "A girl messaged me! Wow!" and then I'd respond right away (well, after waiting a few minutes to not seem overeager!).

Now I more look at it and I'm like, "Ah, Jesus, another one... what am I going to do with these chicks?" I've been trying to meet up with buddies lately and pass them girls that I just don't have time for who've been chasing hard. Like, I'm not going to do anything with this girl, but maybe my buddy can make good use of her. Funny thing is, this is all stuff girls do to lots of guys. Girls ignore guys' texts and emails, or maybe write them back much later. Girls get flustered because they're being bombarded with lots of messages from all these men chasing after them. Girls try to be cool and introduce a guy who's chasing them to one of their gal pals and try to get the two of them together. I never understood this until quite recently. I mean, I understood it in theory, but I'd never been in the situation where I was doing it myself. You really have to be in the situation and have the experience to be able to understand and really empathize with what's going on in someone's head -- and empathy's one of the biggest factors in keeping your cool.

Understanding It Intellectually vs. Actually Living It I started coming to an abstract, intellectual understanding of women flaking and being unresponsive some time ago, just from talking to women about this and from meeting enough girls and talking to enough girls and having enough of them flake on me and enough of them not flake on me that I really started to see the patterns. First, I want to remind you about the relationship between the level of attraction a woman has for a man, and the amount of time she knows him. This is what we discussed in "Attraction Has an Expiration Date," and the normal distribution for time and attraction in a situation where a man doesn't sleep with a girl right away looks roughly like this:

Basically, the longer a girl knows you without becoming your lover, the lower her level of attraction for you will drop. As discussed in "Social Circle vs. Cold Approach," you get a little more leeway when you're dealing with women from your social circle -- but still not much. Attraction's fairly high when you first meet a girl -- and then it spikes soon thereafter, before starting to fall if you haven't bedded her. There's some sort of mechanism buried deep in the most primal part of women's brains that seems to scream, "This is not a guy accustomed to sleeping with women! Therefore, he must be less successful with women. Therefore, he'll give me sons who won't do so well at spreading my genes with other women. Therefore, he's not a good choice as a mate." To a woman, this just feels like, "Meh, he's a nice guy, but I'm not really all that excited about him. I was, when I first met him... but yeah, turns out he's really just a good, nice guy. Maybe we can be friends or something." Time passes, and her excitement, enthusiasm, and sexual interest in a man quickly and precipitously drops. What that means for the man is this: •

She'll become less and less eager about responding to him over text, phone, and email



She'll become more and more apathetic about seeing him in person



She'll fade more and more from his life

This is a value assessment, where the man is assessed as slow and unconfident for failing to move expeditiously, and he's judged as not being particularly desirable and the girl loses interest. When you're a guy, it sucks, and it feels inexplicable. "Why did she just disappear? I don't get it!!!" And then you start chasing, trying to make things right. Often this happens totally unconsciously... you gradually and inadvertently toss aside the maxim of "don't chase women" and you start to chase instead. I came across a great example of this last night in a conversation with my girlfriend. She was telling me about some of the guys who've been chasing her for a year or more. We talked about one of these guys on this site before, a fellow my girlfriend terms "Shopping Guy" because he'd always go hold her bags for her on little shopping expeditions (actually, he was either fortunate or unfortunate enough to have his own featured article, "The Sad Tale of Shopping Guy"). The guy my girlfriend told me about last night was a guy she calls "Ho Hai Guy," because he took her one time on a date to a place here in

town called Ho Hai. Ho Hai Guy, my girlfriend told me, originally ignored her, back in the days before she'd met me. And she considered him charming, and a good guy, so she chased after him and flirted with him a bit. She'd talk to him and try to get him to notice her. She really, honestly, legitimately wanted to date him. So what'd Ho Hai Guy do? Well, he started spending time talking to her to, and texting her, and going and doing things with her here and there. None of those activities involved the two of them becoming lovers, of course, and with time, my girlfriend came to see Ho Hai Guy as just a friend. And of course; if you think about it logically, what else would you expect? Spend a lot of time with a girl doing only friend stuff -- talking, chatting, texting, shopping, going on little outings, having meals -- and absolutely zero lover / boyfriend-girlfriend stuff -- making out, sleeping together -- and you're really soon, really quickly going to get yourself seen as a friend. Of course, right? What happens though is that there's an imbalance in information. Most of the guys who end up in the friend zone don't have many or any women in their lives. So, they move slow, not wanting to mess things up with this girl they like. And they project their realities onto her. She's the only woman in their lives, so they assume they're the only man in hers. But it isn't that way for most women, especially not if they're pretty and nice and sociable and well-liked. Women like that get a lot of men chasing them, and they have to categorize men fast. So, a guy who tries to take her home fast and rules himself out as a boyfriend and doesn't let her cry on his shoulder goes into the lover category. And the guy who wines her and dines her and sends her romantic messages and steals a kiss here and there goes into the boyfriend category. And the guy who talks to her and goes shopping with her and goes to do little activities with her but never makes a move goes into the

friend category, or the "guy chasing after me that I might, someday, in a moment of desperation, be glad to still have around just in case of the off chance I might need him" category. Anyway, I was discussing intermittent rewards with my girlfriend, and how rewarding people sometimes, but not all the time, encourages addictive levels of attachment, and I talked about specifically in responding to people who were chasing after you, and she mentioned that yeah, this guy Ho Hai Guy sends her messages, asking her how she is, what she's doing, when they can talk, telling her he misses her, and rubbish like that, and she usually ignores them, but every now and then she writes back something like this: “Hey, sorry I haven't been responding, I've been really busy with studying for my exam in September and with family stuff. I'm fine; thanks for asking! I hope you're doing good too.” And then she says she can see how happy and relieved he is in the response he texts back. He tells

her it's okay; he understands she's been really busy and that it's very important for her to be studying for her test and that that's exactly what she should be doing. And then he tells her that after she takes her test, the two of them should do something. *forehead smack* Made me think of when I used to do this with girls. Also made me think that poor Ho Hai Guy really doesn't get it. If a girl wants you and likes you, she's going to respond to your messages. Yet here this poor guy is, chasing after the same girl he's been chasing for a year with no luck, not realizing that she's been in a relationship half of that time and she's just keeping him on the backburner, because 1) she feels bad not responding to him, and 2) she feels better knowing that she has some guys out there who are chasing after her. "I think everyone likes that feeling -- the feeling that people are chasing after you," she said to me. And this isn't a manipulative girl -- she really cares about people, and doesn't want to hurt anyone. She's just very candid. And she's right. Everybody does want to feel like someone is chasing after them. It feels good. But until you experience it -- not just being pursued by anyone, but being pursued by women who are actually desirable and who other men want and pursue -- it's extremely difficult to empathize and understand what that feeling is. And what it is is power, security, and validation that you are, in fact, a very desirable, awesome person.

Keeping Your Cool, and Refining Your Strategy I don't know about you, but I don't want to be like Shopping Guy or Ho Hai Guy. Once I realized that this was going on -- that women kept guys in the wings because it made them feel safer, and because they could call on those guys at times for emotional support, or because they needed a guy to hang out with or go shopping with or see a movie with -- that was the moment that I became very anti"hanging onto a girl." If I didn't sleep with a girl in 2 dates, I didn't ever see her again usually by my own volition. Nowadays, it's the first date; if it doesn't happen then, it won't happen, even if she chases me. She probably doesn't get another shot. And most girls do chase these days, and most girls do try to get another shot after our first date even if I didn't take them to bed. I just don't give them that next shot, because I'd rather go onto a more promising prospect, or else work on one of my businesses. I went through a "moment of weakness" a while back after coming out of a long-term relationship, and in that moment of weakness I actually did, for the first time in my life, the traditional nice-guy-

friend-chasing-a-girl thing. It sucked. I plowed a lot of time into a girl, thinking that of course we were going to end up together -- I spent a great deal of time with her, I got her a prestigious new job after she'd been laid off, I single-handedly pulled her out of depression, I rebuilt her entire social circle, from scratch, I was her number one best friend and confidante -- I completely renovated her life and made it better in so many ways. Yet, I found myself unable to get beyond making out with her, despite repeated attempts. But I kept plowing hours a day into her, kept helping her out with stuff, confident that of course we'd be together. Meantime, I slept with a few other girls, but this one was the one I wanted as a girlfriend. What finally snapped me out of my delusions were when I found out she'd been going on dates with other guys. I was like, "Wait -- what? This girl that I just, like... did everything for???" I finally understood what nice guys go through. It was a big slap in the face. So, I let her know I must've had the wrong idea about us; that I was going to have to go hit the dating pool pretty hard and wouldn't have so much time for her anymore (she protested, of course); and then I faded her out of my life really fast. She started chasing hard, and less than a month after fading her out, she called me up desperate and needing to talk and wondering where I'd been one night and I talked to her for about 20 or 30 minutes, told her she was going to be fine in her job and in life, and then dropped it on her that I had a girlfriend and that I had to go because my girl was almost over... and she seemed honestly stunned. Guess guys didn't do that to her. Anyway, she got quiet and disappeared for a while. I broke up with my girlfriend, and then that girl reappeared and pushed hard to spend some time alone with me in my place. Guess by then she'd decided the overwhelming value I'd provided to her life before was sorely missed in my absence, and she'd finally decided she wanted to get together. I shot that idea down because, well... by that point, I was over it and not really interested anymore. That moment of weakness was gone, and I end up seeing her as pretty

thick-skulled for not realizing the best thing in her life (me) and grabbing onto it with a vice grip when she had the chance. I'm grateful for the lesson though, and I don't think I'll ever plow a lot of time into investing heavily in the life of a girl I'm not lovers with ever again. Because what happens is, as we've talked about other places on this site, if you become too valuable to a girl you aren't lovers with, she won't want to risk losing you for something as replaceable but potentially disastrous as physical intimacy. She doesn't want to risk the two of you getting together, then you breaking up with her or disappearing and then suddenly you aren't her friend or advisor or supporter anymore. So, you don't give girls those things until the two of you are together. •

You don't spend a lot of time on a girl,



You don't spend a lot of money on a girl,



You don't talk a whole lot to a girl,



You don't do a lot of things with a girl,



You don't try to help a girl too much,



And you don't try to revamp her life,

at least until the two of you are lovers. At that point, if you're sleeping with her and she's sleeping with you, if you want to spend a lot of time on her, or buy her something nice, or talk to her all night, or go skiing with her, or help her find a better job, or introduce her to cool new people -- yeah, that's cool. But you can't do that stuff before the two of you are lovers, or you probably will never become lovers. Most guys try to do this stuff up front as "proof" of what great boyfriends they're going to be. I know, because I used to do some of it -- not the nice guy friend stuff, but I did do the "I'm going to spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone and text her a lot and I'll become an integral part of her life -- THEN we'll get together!" Nope, doesn't work that way. You do it after... otherwise, you're going to encounter a wall of resistance to the two of you becoming lovers that's a mile high. She won't want to risk sacrificing ALL she's getting from you for what might be a one-time roll in the hay. And that can even include just knowing that she's "got" you -- that can actually be quite valuable to women. One more thing my girlfriend said about Ho Hai Guy: she said that she'd wanted to "conquer" him. Because he'd been a charming guy, and he'd been ignoring her. But once he started chasing -- she knew she'd won. The challenge went away, and with it, her desire for him. Most women aren't as honest as my girlfriend is with me. But most women, to one extent or another, really do feel this way. It's not so good an idea to get into the habit of chasing women; you sabotage yourself when you do.

Don't Chase Women -- Make Stuff Happen Instead Chasing is one of the most poisonous things you can get into doing with a girl. Once you're chasing, you're done. Almost always. If you disagree, then riddle me this: how many women you've chased after -- like, really hounded with calling and texting and begging them to go on dates -- how many of those girls have you slept with or turned into girlfriends? Probably none of them, right? So why do guys keep doing this? It's an unconscious response, and it's one you can't control. Chasing is just how people respond to things they want and can't have. The thing is, the harder you chase, and the more invested you become, the more and more and more you end up wanting something, and going crazy over it. Chase after a job, and you come to want it more and more. Chase after a certain school you want to attend, and you want to get into that school more and more desperately. Find a girl you like and start chasing her, and she transforms from a girl you liked to a girl you want bad, to a girl you're crazy about, to a girl you're head over heels in love with (or at least you think you are...

it's more your idea of her than her as a person, especially if you've been chasing her a long time and not spending much time with her. Ho Hai Guy and Shopping Guy are chasing after ideas of my girlfriend. Another guy -- Fetish Guy -- I'll get a post up on his rather interesting story too at some point -- he hardly knows my girlfriend, only met her once for an hour, and is chasing after the idea of her too, even as he thinks he's falling in love with her). Don't chase women. It kills their attraction for you, and it's going to tear you up inside pursuing a girl who's -- because you're chasing her -- forced to start running away. Here's what you do instead: •

You keep things simple, direct, and to-the-point.



You only use texting and phone calls for a very little bit of getting to know a girl.



You primarily use texting and phone calls for setting up dates and handling logistics -- sell her on you in person, not over the phone.



You get her out soon after meeting her, and move fast.



If she's social circle and you've known her for a long time, you make a big push to get her

out, and close the deal then. •

Aim to get together with girls on Date #1. Why? Because she's out with you, and there's a good chance life intervenes and there never is a Date #2, even if Date #1 goes reasonably well. Also, the chance that a girl sleeps with you on Date #1 is higher than Date #2 and way higher than Date #3 in most cases. Even conservative girls -- yep, still will sleep with you on Date #1 if you handle things appropriately most times. A few notes on this one: don't ask girls, because they'll tell you of course that won't happen. And before you say girls won't go to bed with you on Date #1, answer me this: how many times have you tried?



For your own sanity, adopt a cut off mark for girls. e.g., you might say, "Okay, if we aren't lovers after Date #3, she and I are done." Of course, to make this legitimate, you need to be trying to get together with her too -- you need to tell her to come home with you at the end of Date #1

and/or 2, and if she doesn't, you need to try again at the end of Date #3. If she still doesn't, write her off. •

After you adopt a cut off mark, add a conditional exception. e.g., for me, I have a few exceptions to my one-date rule. If a girl's really exceptional, and I really really like her and I think she'd make a great girlfriend, I might see her one or two more times if we don't sleep together on Date #1 and I'll try to make it happen then. If she's not as exceptional, then I'll have the condition that if she wants to come over and hang out at my place, we can do that, but otherwise, I won't invest any more time into her. So like a girl I've been on a date with who wouldn't go home with me, normally I'd write her off, but if she started texting that she wanted to meet up, I'd text her back, "Honestly, I've been doing so much lately that I really can't get out from under a pile of work. I could chill though -- you could come by, we'll cook some food or order a pizza, and just kick back and watch a movie. You game?" That weeds out a lot of them and you won't hear from them again -- those were the ones looking for a friend or a guy to chase them -- but both the ones that like you a lot, and the ones that just want a strong, sexy guy to take them to bed -- both of those girls will say, "Okay."

Getting some rules like this up and running gets you keeping your cool a lot more easily, streamlines your dating a lot, and really ups your results. You become lovers with more girls, higher quality girls, and you get the girls you want. Wait, you might say, how does being aggressive and ruthless like this help you get the girls you want? Won't those amazing high quality women be scared off by stuff like this? And that's a completely understandable concern. Here's why I'm recommending the route I am: Think of what happens when you meet an amazing girl that you really, really like. Maybe she's

incredibly beautiful; maybe she's got a killer personality. Maybe both. So what do you do? You go really, really slow, try not to mess stuff up... and then you don't get her. She fades away, and you end up becoming upset that she isn't responding to your texts anymore, like what happened with our reader at the start of this post and what happened to me plenty of times in the past. So why's having a solid process like this help you get the girls you want to get? Because even incredibly beautiful girls and girls with killer personalities and girls who have both are still just GIRLS. And they still all respond to exactly the same stuff. They still all want a man who's going to man up and make stuff happen... and all the guys who aren't get to go cool their heels in the friend zone and spend the next couple of months or years chasing after them until they finally give up and go repeat the process with some other girl. Don't be one of those guys. Don't chase women; don't go crazy holding out for that one special girl. Understand that past a certain mark, she really is lost, and that trying to get her back is like trying to get back a job offer again once the opportunity's already passed you by because you took too long to take action and seize that opportunity. Sure, maybe if you hound the people at that company like crazy, they'll eventually hire you. Probably not, but maybe. And sure, maybe if you hound that girl like crazy, she'll eventually date you. Probably not, but maybe. But yeah, really probably not. Sucks to hear, I know. You've been throwing a huge amount of time into chasing after a girl, for a long time, investing boatloads of your time and energy and effort and everything else into trying to get her, and all the while she's long since moved on and sees you as a friend or a guy she's "conquered" or is keeping on the back burner "just in case." But what's encouraging is knowing that next time -- with all the other women you're going to meet in your life -- you can do it right. Just like you're probably not going to get that job that you had a shot at but didn't take the shot for and now it's gone, so it is with women you had a shot with but waited too long to take that shot. But just as there are plenty more jobs out there you can do it right with next time, so too are there plenty more women out there you can do it right with next time, too. You've just got to make sure you seize the opportunity, and push for the close. That's what separates the friends and the conquered and those waiting in the wings from the guys who end up being girls' lovers and boyfriends and more.

Using Intrigue to Get Girls Chasing You

by Chase Amante Thursday, 26 March 2009

One big mistake I see a lot of men make when meeting new women is forgetting to allow for some mystery… a little intrigue. And a little bit goes a long way – it fascinates women, gets them thinking about you when you’re not there, gets them frustrated – in a good way! – trying to figure you out. And as they try to figure you out, they’re all the while investing more and more time thinking about you. And as we all know, the more invested in you a woman is, the more she’ll LIKE you and the more she’ll stick by you and the more she’ll follow your lead. Intrigue is an awesome, AWESOME way to get girls chasing you! But hey, what do I mean, allow for some intrigue? Well, to put it in perspective, imagine this: You meet a beautiful girl at your favorite coffees shop or bar. You end up in a conversation with her. You ask her how old she is; she says, “Old enough; how old are you?” then no matter how much you ask, she refuses to tell you. Then you ask her where she’s from, and she tells you, “A little town far away, but I’m here now, and I love it.” Again, when you press for details, she won’t give you a clear answer. She intrigues you. She ropes you into this exciting frustration of wanting to know yet having absolutely no idea how to get the answer. And not only do you not know the answer to her question, but you also don’t know WHY she won’t tell you, and that’s the real fun in intrigue. Is she hiding something? Scared to talk about her past? What could her reasoning be??? A girl has NO IDEA what your reason is for deferring to answer. She becomes more and more intrigued, feeling more and more like you are this riddle, this puzzle she HAS to solve. All human beings love mystery. It’s why there are so many movies about outer space – ANYTHING could be out there, we reason. It’s why the men in women’s romance novels are often mysterious, with foggy back stories and unknown origins – they could come from ANYWHERE, and thus have the ability to be ANYTHING that the woman desires. You can become such a man – a man of mystery, of unknown intentions and unknown origins. And it’s relatively easy to do… get her interested enough to ask you questions, then dodge them with a non-answer that deflects the question by asking her something about herself or changing the topic entirely.

Remember, the steps are: 1. Non-answer 2. Deflection A few examples: Girl: Why do you XYZ? You: Does it matter? (non-answer) Let’s just enjoy ourselves right now, in this moment. (deflection) Girl: Are you ABC? You: I’m really not the kind of guy you can categorize as one thing or another. (non-answer) How about you? (deflection) Once you have intrigue generated, you must maintain it, at least for a while. She’ll start pressing harder and harder for an answer – stay strong and stay mysterious. Once a man lets the intrigue slip – by giving her too many concrete answers – he’s given up some of his power, the power of his own mystery, and made himself less interesting and mysterious. Avoid that pitfall and keep yourself shrouded in unanswered questions. You want to MAINTAIN your power, by maintaining your mystery. Another way you can create intrigue is by doing one thing and saying another. This is fun! For instance, tell a girl you’re talking to that you’re really shy with women, as you sit next to her, chatting her up confidently with your arm around her. Or tell her you don’t believe in alcohol, then order a drink at the bar right in front of her. Or tell her how you’re always trying to watch your weight and not eat too much, then order a gigantic pepperoni pizza all for yourself and ask her if she wants a slice. Contradictions like that cause conflicts in people’s brains that they have trouble reconciling, and for women it makes you more intriguing, harder to figure out, and ultimately, more alluring and attractive! So the next time you’re speaking with a woman you like, remember to intrigue her a little – it’s an old staple of many women’s flirtations (don’t reveal too much too soon), and if you want to get girls tying themselves up in knots trying to figure you out, make it a part of your repartee – today! See you next time, Chase Amante

Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 11 September 2011

Hey again, PGWell, you certainly don't want to be dodgy! Mysterious is more about offering a little, but suggesting more. Like so: Her: If you don't work, how do you afford to live and travel? You: Well, I still have some passive income streams that let me get by. Investments, projects, things like that. You provide information, but don't go into great detail. Enough so that it sounds and feels like an answer, without spilling all your beans. If a girl presses you, you have the right to get annoyed. When people press me on things I don't particularly care to go into (e.g., things that won't be productive for moving the interaction forward), I shrug, look off to the side into the distance, and get aloof. That's how you communicate to them that they're in the wrong. But yeah, generally, don't be dodgy; be intriguing. You should make her want to know more, rather than annoyed at the lack of an answer. Give her some, just not all. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Hey Taz, Well, the thing about intrigue is, the moment it's gone, you lose power forever, yeah. A lot of intrigue over the long term really has to deal with how you structure your life. Like, part of the reason why I eventually decided that travel was essential for me over the long term was that I didn't think there was a way to maintain intrigue in long term relationships without being an international man of mystery. You can run relationships without intrigue -- and many, many people do -- but they do discernibly lack something, and whenever I meet women in long term relationships who are dating men they've long since discontinued being intrigued by, there's a very palpable desire

that I can feel coming from them when I meet them and begin to wrap them up in the intrigue that I've constructed around myself. I think the best way around this if you have a relatively ordinary life is to still make sure she finds out little hidden things about you every now and then, and that she discovers sides to you she didn't know existed. It's especially important to be the strong, silent type over the longterm, so that she's gradually finding things out but only by doing the work herself. The guys who just divulge everything up front eliminate intrigue fast, and with it a lot of the mystery and excitement of their relationships. Chase

Teasing a Girl the Right Way

by Chase Amante Friday, 27 May 2011

A reader recently wrote in to ask me why I thought his text conversations weren't going anywhere. He's been working really hard to get his game tightened down, and thought he was doing well... but here, again, he could feel this girl slipping away. The texting transcript he sent picks up midconversation: Him: You suck with directions. Lol. Are you from the city? Girl: haha I dont know what the streets are called1 Just know theres one down a side haha. Its by the big bungy thing, down a little street:-) Him: haha. You suck. Need to get a gps then. Can you cook? Girl: haha sorry:-) uhmm like simple things. and if I had instructions then yeah lol Him: Imple things like biting your nails or fun things? I like dangerous stuff:) Girl: haha as in easy stuff Girl again:haha as in easy Him: Im just finished with my engineering project. I think youll find it interesting. Are you a metal head or a classical music type like me?lol Girl: Haha uhmm, not really... More party side.lol Him: Im running seminars in the city next week,. We should go grab a coffee and you can come by...

Girl: I have exams and school next week. Him: Im running it in the weekend. But your missing out! IM hungry. Make me some soup. Girl: Um, Whats it about? Then he replied with some brief info about his seminar, and... nothing. She never replied. It was lost. And he didn't know why. Was she just not interested? he wondered. Actually, she sounds pretty interested early on. How'd he lose her? Well, it's a little more complicated than you might think. And, as the subject of today's post, one of the main problems it turns out is that he wasn't quite teasing this girl the right way. Because this isn't just a texting issue -- it goes deep into how you hold conversations with women in general. And if you aren't teasing women right, you may very well be costing yourself a lot of success with girls you like.

Teasing Should be Pleasing All right, I'm guilty of a bit of a cheesy headline for this section here, but it gets the message across that I want to get across in this part of the post: namely, that teasing is supposed to be fun. "What's with the word mix ups, are you mildly retarded?" "I love your hair... it looks like a bunch of small animals made their nest on your head. Creative." "You're pretty awful at thinking logically, aren't you? Maybe you should stick to emotions." "Hey, you know what would be a really good idea? Not that one you just had." "What kind of music do you like? I hope it's not Britney Spears." This is how lots of guys tease girls. It's sarcasm, and indeed it can be quite funny. But, here's the thing... this kind of humor is amusing to people watching it from the outside. It's hilarious when you watch one person on TV tell another person her hair looks like a pack of wild dogs had it out over leadership of the clan on top of her head. But to the girl who actually has someone say that to her, it's both a little funny... and a little hurtful. Even if she laughs, it probably stings, ever so slightly. And when you hurt a girl, she closes up. She gets cold. She begins to auto-reject. And then... you lose her.

This confused me a little at first when I was starting out. Back in 2005 and 2006, I'd get to talking to a girl, and she'd be excited, and clearly was glad to be getting to know me. And then I'd tease her a little, and she'd get even more excited. And then I'd tease her a little more, and she'd still seem happy. And then I'd tease her a little more, and then -- well, then she'd start going cold. I'd panic. Crap, I'd better find a way to get her interest back again, I'd think to myself. Then, Ah, I've got it! I'll just tease her some more! And then, wouldn't you know it, she'd get really cold toward me, and she'd stay that way for the rest of the time I'd know her. At first, I reasoned I was teasing her too hard. So I scaled back my teasing. But the problem nagged me for years. I'd challenge girls less, and then I'd have a harder time attracting them. Then, I'd challenge them more again, and they'd just get pissed off. It was maddening. In 2007, a mentor of mine gave me a piece of advice that changed everything for me with regards to teasing: "I listen to you tease and flirt with girls, and it's good stuff, and funny stuff -- like really witty, smart stuff," he told me. "But I almost feel like it's too much for most girls -- they're going to feel like they aren't able to compete with you. And you tease girls competitively, when you could be teasing them cooperatively. It's a small difference in how you word things -- but the difference it makes in how women respond to you is huge." At first, I wasn't quite sure what to make of that advice. How do you tease a girl cooperatively? I wondered. I filed it away in the back of my head and figured maybe someday I'd come back to it. Well, nowadays, I tease women cooperatively almost exclusively. Almost all the humor I use with women is about what she and I are going to be doing together, or what she's trying to do with me, and I am a more-or-less willing participant. That's probably a little hard to follow, but I'll explain it more; chase framing is one part of this that we've touched on before here. And, the times I tease women competitively verbally, I use vocal tonality that makes it explicitly clear I'm just giving her a playful ribbing and that I'm actually warm and affectionate toward her. The end result when you use this style of humor is, instead of building attraction while pushing women away, you build attraction and pull women in close to you. Sound appealing? Let me show you how it's done.

Teasing a Girl... the Right Way There are as many ways to tease women playfully as there are stars in the sky, but only a handful of ways to do it right, without offending and without pushing those women away. What I'll share with you here is what I've found to work, consistently and reliably, and what I've seen work for other guys I've known and trained. 1. Put yourself on the same level. This is part of the "cooperativeness" of the teasing; you don't let a girl get cast into the tease alone. You go with her. We can do this by rewriting the example from above: "What's with the word mix ups, are you mildly retarded?" like so: "What's with the word mix ups, are you just trying to confuse me and throw me off the trail?" and voila, now instead of imply that she's retarded -- and you aren't -- you're implying that she's mixing up words to try and confuse you. She's subtle and sneaky, but you're onto her. It's cooperative, fun, and most definitely not insulting.

2. Avoid commenting on sensitive topics. These include physical features, style and fashion, intelligence, social skills, family, anything like that, in anything that might be remotely construed as insulting about a girl herself. Instead, comment on people at large -- and make sure you reassure the girl you don't mean her. So, you wouldn't say to a girl: "I love your hair... it looks like a bunch of small animals made their nest on your head. Creative." but you might say: "I love how people dress in this city. Not you, you're fine -- you're fashionable and you look good. But I'm not sure I get the whole leggings-meet-tutus thing they've got going on here. Scary." 3. Keep it critique-free. Don't like how a girl does something? That's fine -- but don't tease her about it. That's called passive-aggressiveness, and it stings. I did it plenty when I was young and angry and had a bone to pick with the world. Stay away from it and play nice -- nobody likes being told they suck. Instead of saying: "You're pretty awful at thinking logically, aren't you? Maybe you should stick to emotions." you might instead remark: "Let me go see if I can find an intermediary to resolve this debate. No, I'm kidding, how about we leave the ideological wars until Date #4? I'd rather get to know you than sit here and tell you you're horrible because you like Bach and I'm a Beethoven guy." Note that when you go this route, you always want to pick some very silly topic rather than the one at hand to defuse the argument (e.g., maybe the two of you were beginning to debate politics or religion, when you disarmed this by joking about her liking Bach and you liking Beethoven... a harmless contrast, and one that can let you switch back to lighter topics with ease). 4. Suggest instead of veto. This one is giant, not just for teasing, but for all forms of deciding what you're going to do or where you're going to go. For the purpose of teasing though, remember that you always want to suggest an alternative rather than veto something outright with a flat negative. You'd replace: "Hey, you know what would be a really good idea? Not that one you just had."

with: "Or we could just go play skee ball. Or maybe go back to your place and put on sexy movies and... talk, or something." This is a much better response to a girl suggesting something you don't like the sound of. So, if she suggests you go hit some club and you don't feel like managing a party date, you can tease her this way instead. 5. Be absurd in place of mildly against. This one's kind of fun, but basically, whenever you might otherwise suggest you don't like something, instead go over the top and let her know you really don't like something. This takes the edge off your not liking it and changes it from something awkward to something amusing. Like so: "What kind of music do you like? I hope it's not Britney Spears." becomes: "What kind of music do you like? If it's Britney Spears, I'm jumping out the window and landing on a samurai sword." ~~~~~~~~~~ When you're teasing a girl the right way, you'll know it. She'll be smiling, laughing, enjoying herself, and getting warmer and warmer and closer and closer to you. Her attraction tells you your teasing is good -- and her closeness tells you she's feeling cooperated with, not competed against. Bring women close to you and attracted with your teasing, and it becomes an extraordinarily powerful tool in your arsenal. A pair of other notes to point out about that reader's conversation with the girl at the start of this article -- at one point, he says, "IM hungry. Make me some soup," which, as it turns out, is asking for too much investment at this point in the interaction. But that's for another post! It's also a bit choppy in flow, but again -- we'll have to get to that another time ;) For now, happy teasing, and here's to a great upcoming weekend. Chase Amante

Breaking Rapport: You’ve Been Doing It Wrong

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 20 November 2013

In "20 Ways to Talk to Women and Make It AMAZING", Flames requested an article on rapport - specifically, one on making it, and breaking it. Here's that part of his comment:

“Oh and if we could have something on rapport, both making and breaking. I've had a few girls break rapport recently and it left me thinking wtf? :) Regards

Flames”

Breaking rapport is a classic pickup technique for controlling the flow and direction of conversations. It's used as a sort of a "forced redirect" when things start traveling down a conversational road you don't want them to go down. However, one of the ways it's traditionally been taught is to be used not purely as a redirect, but as a punishment for women who are being aloof, uncooperative, or trying to move things backwards. There are more ways to use this, though, that both enhance the fun and energy of your conversations - and quickly get women qualifying themselves to you. The focus in this article is mainly going to be on breaking rapport yourself - though if you're paying attention, most of the extinction examples we use later are really about dealing with women who break rapport with you, first - so we'll cover both sides of the coin about Flames's question about the subject in this one. Let's see what they are.

First off, an example of what standard rapport breaking looks like: Her: What do you do for work? [boring question] You: Are we really going to get into these boring questions? [redirect] Her: [laughs] Okaaaaay... what would you like to talk about? Something like this, actually, is not bad. In fact, this can be a really fun way to reroute a conversation and snap a woman out of autopilot. Here's another of the more productive variety of ways to break rapport: You: What do you do for fun?

Her: Mostly just chat with my friends on Snapchat or Instagram. You: So in other words, you're a total gossip girl. Her: [laughs] Yeah, I guess! That's a rapport break - it's jarring, challenging, gets the girl to laugh at herself, but not unpleasant, and it's better than just about anything else you can do there. All this is fine and dandy, and we'll go into how to do this properly later on in the article - and what precisely differentiates breaking rapport from making rapport. But what I want to cover first is the habit of a lot of newer guys of using rapport breaks as efforts to punish - and often failing at it pretty badly.

Socially Inelegant Rapport Breaks Here's what using rapport breaking to punish inelegantly looks like: Her: Hold this for me? You: Bad girl. I'll bet that works great with the nice guys who are desperate for your approval. Her: [big smile] Sure does. We'll talk about why that's bad in just a moment. Here's another one: Her: I don't like [black guys, white guys, Asian guys, tall guys, short guys, etc. - basically, something describing whatever you are]. You: Good thing too, because you and I would never work out. Yeah... that's pretty awful a response as well. Here's one more: You: Let me have a sip of that drink? Her: Sorry, I don't like sharing my drink with strangers. You: Adorable. I'll bet you scare 95% of the guys off with that act.

*shivers* Okay, let's talk why these are bad. If you have some sense of social intuition, you probably felt it - each of these is cringe worthy for various reasons. If you're a social beginner and steeped in normal PUA tradition, you'll see examples like these used relentlessly by other beginners and think they are the way to go - they look close enough to what more advanced guys are doing, after all. But there's actually a number of big differences between these "punishments" and what a guy with a firm handle on breaking rapport will do. Here's what they are: 1. He does not punish by complimenting her. Review the examples above; girl behaves bad, and guy responds by... complimenting her. Don't think so? a. In the first example he tells her men are desperate for her approval b. In the second example, he implies he was weighing her for a relationship c. In the third, he calls her "adorable" and implies lots of men chase her Each of the above examples contains emotional validation for the woman - she removes validation from the man, and he gives validation to her. This is the very definition of chasing women. 2. He does not punish by giving more attention. Bad behavior is not countered by continuing to give women attention - all this is is leaning in while they lean away. Again, chasing. 3. He does not punish by calling her pet names. Calling a girl "bad girl", "naughty girl", "troublemaker", "cute", "adorable", "sweetheart", or anything else like that is not a punishment - it's flirtation. And if you're flirting with her while she's insulting you or being difficult - yep... chasing again. If you've been breaking rapport like this, it's time to quit doing it... because you're only shooting yourself in the foot with girls. When you break rapport this way, you get viewed as the "cute" one - the one who's just trying so hard and is so adorable in his persistence... that maybe she should be nice and admit him to the friend zone. I see newer guys do this all the time, and they either get women who are disgusted with them ("Ugh, seriously?!") or women who are playing with them like cats and mice, flirting harmlessly with them and leading them right into just friends territory. There are far more effective ways to use rapport breaking than this. But before we talk about them, you need to understand what it is we're trying to do, exactly, when we break rapport.

What Breaking Rapport is All About All breaking rapport is really about at the highest level are • •

Keeping things fresh, and Keeping things moving in the direction you want them to go / avoiding tangents

The functional effects it has on women are 1. Challenging women, 2. Being unpredictable / unexpected, and 3. Extincting bad behavior when it crops up That's it - just those handful of things. It is not about punishing bad behavior through actively challenging that behavior - we talked about this in "Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships" - if you punish through aversive stimuli (which is what those three inelegant examples of rapport breaking were doing above) using positive punishment here is reward a because it gives her attention... its effects are the opposite of what the punisher is hoping they will be. Instead of being discouraged from behaving this way, she ends up feeling encouraged. Rather than cutting and moving on from a negative thread, you've just amplified it. Oops, right? If you're getting bad behavior, yes, you want to discourage it - but positive punishment is not what you want, unless you are under clear and direct frontal attack. Anything shy of that, and you're probably just giving her what she wants - more attention and more validation. The way we break rapport properly as a punishment is through extinction (another technique discussed in the operant conditioning article, and one we'll discuss more in this post)... ... and we can also use rapport breaks just generally to challenge women and be unpredictable throughout the course of a conversation without them being preceded by bad behavior beforehand (e.g., to accomplish other objectives in conversation, rather than purely as punishment). The best way to think about a man using breaking rapport properly, in my mind, is as "the charming skeptic."

Your average nice guy goes into conversation with a woman not daring to break rapport. His every conversational effort is to build rapport at all costs... even if that means looking fearful to challenge her, or in desperate need of her approval - which, often, he does. The proportion of a conversation you devote to building rapport vs. breaking rapport is going to differ based on the girl, the situation, and what point you're at in talking to her - obviously, you'll be breaking a lot more when you're in the middle of playful banter than you will in the midst of pulling her home. But you'll never be at 100% rapport building, even with the most submissive, delicate of women - even with them, you'll want to break a little rapport... even if you must take care to do so gently.

Broken Rapport as a Pattern Interrupt When you break rapport, you break the thought pattern a woman was in prior to the point of breakage. She was expecting the conversation to continue going in a certain direction, and that she'd continue feeling - and continue amplifying - whatever she was feeling as things went along. You will, therefore, be using rapport breaking as a means of getting off of topics and emotions that are not furthering the cause of the interaction, or have begun to stale - you break rapport in the interest of keepings things fresh, and keeping things moving. An easy way of thinking about the mindset difference between the beginner who's using rapport breaking wrong, and the pro who's using it correctly, is this: •



The beginner cares what the girl is thinking: he breaks rapport because he thinks it will up her attraction for him and further the interaction - and he also breaks it the wrong ways and for the wrong reasons, because he's trying to use it as a tool to make her like him more The veteran cares about whether things are moving forward or not: he doesn't care about making her like him more - he's an attractive guy; he KNOWS she likes him, and

anyway, whether she likes him or not is irrelevant - whether she'll invest in him and move through the interaction with him and set up a date or go home with him later is what matters Because of these differences in mindset and different objectives for their rapport breaks, the beginner and the veteran naturally use them differently. The beginner tries to make women like him by breaking rapport. The veteran works to interrupt unhelpful conversation or thought patterns a girl is in, and redirect her back on the path through seduction. What we want to do when we break rapport is the latter, rather than the former.

How to Break Rapport When She's Unimpressive Forget about trying to make her like you. That's what your fundamentals are for. If you break rapport properly, it's true - women will be more attracted to you. Proper use of rapport breaking is plainly and simply good game, and it's just how attractive, dominant men talk with women. The first kind of rapport breaking we're going to examine is the rapport breaking you do when a girl is just plainly and simply being really boring and ordinary and NOT trying to impress you. Let's go back to the examples of good rapport breaking we used earlier and examine what's good about them: Her: What do you do for work? [boring question] You: Are we really going to get into these boring questions? [redirect] Her: [laughs] Okaaaaay... what would you like to talk about? Now, if you were going to use deep diving here, you wouldn't go this route - instead, you'd just turn the question back on her, and start diving into her answers. But what if you could tell the question was nothing but polite conversation, and she didn't really care about your answer? In fact, she didn't seem to care about talking to you at all? If you were getting that vibe, going straight into deep diving - rapport - wouldn't be the recommended path. You would, rather, want to get her excited about talking to you, and get the conversation moving in a fresh direction - you'd want to break rapport.

Here, all rapport is really doing is recognizing how she actually feels about the communication she's giving you and feeding it back to her. You can tell she's bored by the conversation she's in with you and the questions she's asking you. So ask her if you really have to do this whole boring-questions thing, and her reaction is laughter, a pattern interrupt... and relief. She didn't want to talk about those things anyway; now the two of you can discuss something far more... interesting. How about our second example? You: What do you do for fun? Her: Mostly just chat with my friends on Snapchat or Instagram. You: So in other words, you're a total gossip girl. Her: [laughs] Yeah, I guess! In this case, rather than try to build rapport on a rather inane, impersonal topic (nice guy: "Oh yeah, I use Snapchat all the time... it's so much fun!"), we poke a little fun at her for - you guessed it - being boring. "Yep - you're just another boring gossip girl" --> that's the communication here. Now, it's said in a clearly warmly teasing tone of voice, and you'll be smiling at her as you say it, so she knows you're just joshing - but here, rather than stroking her ego for being boring and ordinary - which is what almost every man she meets does - you poke a little fun at her for being boring and ordinary. You will not do this if she is actively trying to impress you. That's the difference. If she tells you she models, and you can tell she's really trying to build up her value and impress you, you're not going to rapport break nearly as hard (or at all, depending on how she conveys it) instead, you might do something like this: You: Do anything artistic? Her: Actually yes - I model! You: Ah, very cool. Print or runway? Her: Mostly just photo shoots. I'm nothing special yet. You: Everybody starts somewhere! Because she was qualifying herself to you here - she was working to answer your question and build rapport - you reward her by showing interest and amplifying the thread, rather than breaking rapport and teasing her, as you would if she said something clearly low effort in a bid

to dodge the qualification, as with the Snapchat girl, or if she was doing something she herself clearly felt was boring and half-assed. Be mindful of her effort and energy levels. If she's nervous or excited or working hard to connect with you, do not break rapport. If, however, she's bored, dismissive about answering your questions, or otherwise uninterested in impressing you - rapport-break away (with light teases - we're not insulting anybody here; see "Teasing a Girl the Right Way" if you need more clarification).

Rapport Breaking as Punishment If the examples of rapport breaking above were more teases to snap women out of autopilot and get them working again in interactions with you, the rapport breaking you'll be using with women who are being bad is of a different sort; this sort is behavioral, not verbal - we'll be using extinction. That looks like this: You: Do anything artistic? Her: I'm not really in the mood to answer a lot of questions right now. You: Eh... [eyebrow shrug... followed by skeptical look as you slowly turn your body somewhat away, facing in another direction] That's an example of dealing with strongly negative behavior. You won't always get her reengaging you after this, but the hit rate is still higher than the inexperienced guy's scramble to tease or neg her for rejecting him. If you're in a social environment, you'll have the highest return hit rate here, especially if you go off and amass a bunch of obvious preselection and social proof right after... girls who dismiss you this way, then see you well liked by everyone else and competed for by attractive women tend to regret having been dismissive to you, and will re-approach you, or be much, much softer to your next approach a little while later. (note: you don't have to rapport break here; you have other options, like make the bold move, assuming she's just cranky-horny and needs a man who will pick her up fast, and see if she'll bite: e.g., "Okay, I can see you don't want to small talk - me neither. Tell you what - let's go on an adventure, right now" - low hit rate, but when it hits, you're so in...) What about if you get something less extreme?: Her: Hold this for me?

You: Actually, I've got to run to the bathroom real quick. But if you'll watch my drink for a minute, I'll hold that for you for a minute when I get back - no roofies... Here, you break rapport by not directly responding to the request, and instead answering with your own request. However, you tie it back into the original request, and do so in a socially graceful way that doesn't leave the girl feeling rejected or insulted. Another example: Her: Hold this for me? You: Can't; my hands are busy [show her your hands in your pockets, or holding food / drinks, etc. - then laugh] Her: You're a dick! [laughing] You: That guy might be a better bet. He looks like a really nice, considerate person. Her: [laughing] Will you hold this, pleeassee? You: You can leave it here next to me. No promises that it or I will be here when you get back, though. Her: [mock frustration] I'll just take it with me. But I am coming back! You: I look forward to it! Here, you break rapport not by teasing her, but by rejecting her request in a humorous way. Also, unlike the bad example response earlier ("Bad girl. I'll bet that works great with the nice guys who are desperate for your approval"), he doesn't avoid giving her an answer - he tells her "Can't" right away, then continues to humorously refuse to take responsibility for the item. In that bad example from the start of the post, the man seems to stall out of fear of saying "No" and the girl senses this, and knows she has him. The punishment here is simply denying her a level of investment she hasn't earned from you yet (for whatever reason; maybe the two of you don't know each other well enough, or maybe she's asking you to watch something for her while she goes off and has fun or flirts without you - something you pretty much can't ever agree to if you want to be seen as a sexual man in any way). The communication is, "I like you... but not that much." Remember: charming skeptic. If it doesn't move things forward (and especially if it moves things backwards), don't do it.

Rapport, Broken Most jokes are rapport breaking - chase frames, sexual frames, and the like, all break rapport and serve as pattern interrupts. If you recall from "Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred Conversation", you'll be using rapport breaking periodically throughout your deep diving as well, to prevent your conversations getting too top heavy with emotion, then crashing. Not so much that you're unable to connect with her... but just enough that you retain control of the level of emotion she's experiencing, and it doesn't start feeling like a psychotherapy session. Breaking rapport thus has all kinds of uses, done right - at the core, it: • •

Keeps thing fresh Keeps things moving in the right direction, and you and her off tangents

It makes you more attractive by: 1. Challenging women 2. Making you unpredictable 3. Extincting out bad behavior (instead of chasing it) You just want to be mindful not to use it inappropriately - don't try to build up women who've been rude or asked too much of you; don't chase them; and don't try to "punish." Just ignore the stuff you don't like, say "no" to the things you don't want to do, and tease her if she's being boring (or to defuse the tension if things are getting just a little to deep, emotional, and intense). And keep in mind that you don't break rapport to get women to find you more attractive - that's just a byproduct. The reason you do it is to keep things moving forward. Ever forward - that's the mantra of the true lover of women. Chase

How to Be Vulnerable, Enchanting, and Alluring to Women

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 29 January 2013

We've had a handful of commenters write in recently to ask about how to be vulnerable, as well as how to more fully embody Byronic traits, like those mentioned in the articles on answering "Do you have a girlfriend?" and on being a challenge to women. How do you, as a man, be vulnerable, in a way that is both appealing yet not overly sappy or saccharine? One of these comments from a reader reads as such:

“I have several girls interested in me primarily because of my flaws, and they have told me to my face that I am imperfectly perfect. I am interested in this Byronic concept. Do you try to adapt byronic traits? And can you do a post on them?”

The flawed, vulnerable, Byronic romantic hero - he lines the pages of romance novels, and dots the dreams of women's hearts. But who is he, and how do you become this imperfect man that women so love to fantasize about? The truth is, we are all of us imperfect, and that gives us an edge. The problem is, most men spend too much time either trying to cover up their flaws entirely, or indulge in them so much that they refuse to improve. Like always, I will advise you to take the middle path, that lies at neither extreme, but the crossroads of both. Let's have a look at how you can do that.

Though the research on women's attraction toward Byronic types is quoted in the article on being a challenge cited earlier, I'll add it in again here so you don't need to go dashing between articles just to keep up with things. Here it is: Bogg's and Ray's research on "The Heterosexual Appeal of Socially Marginal Men" again:

“Surveyed women consistently specify preferences for egalitarian dates and/or

mates. A common perception is that many of these same women often select consorts who are inscrutable, assertive, and controlling, ultimately bemoaning their choices. Dominance has been experimentally shown to provide initial attraction advantages. The Byronic Hero, a venerable literary model, embraces protagonists who possess extraordinary masculine traits that include dominance but also multiple personal flaws. Byronic Heroes, easily identified and plentiful in popular fiction, appear strongly to resonate with youthful audiences and provide alluring portrayals of heterosexual relations. In a classroom survey employing slide images of paired apparel models and a blind date scenario, collegiate women slightly but significantly preferred models independently judged to project Byronic traits over equally handsome men who appeared affable and conventional. Subject comments on Byronic models uniquely included allusions to sexual and mysterious/rebellious attributes. It was concluded that projections of Byronic masculinity provide initial advantages in the securing of heterosexual liaisons.”

So - sitting in a classroom, not having met the men in question, only looking at images of them, women rated the flawed, vulnerable, bad boys with Byronic traits as more attractive than the totally normal, unflawed men of equivalent levels of handsomeness. Why? To better understand this phenomenon, I'll cite another piece of research here, this one entitled "The Byronic Hero, Theatricality and Leadership," by Gabriele Poole:

“Starting off with Annabella Milbanke's description of Byron after their first

meeting, this essay explores the way in which Byron's persona, as displayed in

a certain kind of social situation, appears characterised by a series of masks, yet is presented in such a way as to facilitate its unmasking by observers and obtain their sympathies. This model of interaction between Byron and his admirers is then applied to Byron's works, where this same semantic stratification of the Byronic Hero is complicated at times by the hero's use of the Byronic persona as an instrument of domination and on some occasions by the author's deliberate foregrounding of the hero's theatricality.”

Let's boil this down and see what researchers have to teach us about what Lord Byron has to teach us about how to be vulnerable in a way that is both transfixing and alluring. The takeaways are: • • •

Women are more attracted to men who are flawed in specific ways (we'll explore more what these ways are below) The Byronic hero wears a series of masks that must be taken away, revealing more and more of his character as this is done These masks are usually relatively easy to strip away, though sometimes are made more difficult by the very flaws of the hero

The interesting thing is that this is a rather natural phenomenon you'll see in a lot of men. Far before they ever know anything about this logically, many more socially calibrated men begin to "layer" themselves with different levels of identity and vulnerability that women can then strip away, like a kind of Russian nested matryoshka doll... only, one that gets more and more captivating and amazing and personal every time another layer is removed, rather than simply smaller.

What's So Exciting to Women About These Layers? Let's take a break for a second. You'll generally find that men have two different reactions to the whole "layers thing." These are: 1. "Of course women love complicated, layered men... that's why I have constructed myself as just such a man!" 2. "Geez, women are so ridiculously complicated! Why can't they just like a guy for who he is, and not need all these silly games? This is too complex." The first reaction is that of the man who has learned to think like a woman. He's learned the great principle of, "If you want someone to give you something, learn to understand what that person wants first, and provide that in return." He knows that if he wants women as lovers and girlfriends and romantic partners, he'll have the most choice and the most consistent ability to do so with them if he gives them exactly what they want. And what they want is a complicated, layered, perfectly imperfect man.

The second reaction is that of the man whose mental model is one wanting to do things the way he wants to do them and not wanting to need to accommodate anyone else, and expecting everyone else to see things like he sees them. When he says, "Why can't women do this?" what he's actually saying is, "Why can't women think like men, instead of like women? Geez!" What that man is failing to take into account, of course, is that what men want out of partners and relationships, and what women want out of partners and relationship, are in fact rather different. And because what they want is different, the way they go about looking for it is different, too. Women, by nature, are probers. They're pokers. They like to stick curious eyes and investigative fingers into places others would rather they didn't; they test men ceaselessly, checking to see if a guy's still strong NOW... and how about now... and, what about now? They object to things, hoping those objections will be overcome, disappointed when they aren't. They protest about things they don't really care about, just to see what your reaction will be or get attention. They play games because they like to play games, because they're good at them, and because the men who beat them at their own games excite them and arouse them and energize them. Women like complicated situations and they like complicated men. They like peeling back layers. They like feeling like they're getting to the bottom of some great mystery that no other woman has fully gotten to the bottom of yet. It's a driving force behind why they like: • • • • •

Gossip Drama Soap operas Testing/teasing Flirting (to see how men react)

... and it's a driving force behind why they like bad boys, those quintessential flawed, Byronic heroes who know how to be vulnerable without being weak. Why aren't women as interested in nice guys, in handsome guys without flaws, and in those guys who'd rather women were more like men than wishing for those men who are what women want? Simple - these men just aren't as interesting. They're boring! And there's nothing quite like boredom to still any stirrings in a woman's bosom or loins.

Put another way (the way we talked about in the "being a challenge" article), most men are either too available and no challenge (nice guys, boring guys), or they're too perfect and unattainable (handsome, desirable men who are flawless and "unreal"). In addition to boredom and lack of challenge at the one end of the spectrum though, I strongly suspect there is something else at play at the other...

If He's Too Good to Be True... Let's say you meet a girl. She's intelligent, charming, witty, sociable, fun, flirty, fashionable, and everybody you know thinks she's amazing. She plays the piano flawlessly, dances like a professional, earns marks off the charts in school and at work, and in her spare time helps out at the local soup kitchen. Oh, and she's absolutely, positively, drop-dead GORGEOUS. She is, in a word, perfect. And oh... she's madly in love with you. Sounds great, right? And, being a man, you'll likely rush in headlong... but at the back of your mind, something will feel a little off. That something is the old word of warning of:

“If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.” The thing with perfect people is that NOBODY tries that hard to be perfect without having something he or she is compensating for. Really intelligent girls don't make themselves look as beautiful because it isn't as much of a concern. Really beautiful girls don't work as hard on their studies, and don't contribute to causes and charities as much, because they have enough value in one sphere that they don't need to spend time boosting their value in another (academics, work, charity, etc.). If she's working THIS hard to make herself THIS perfect, your mind knows something is amiss. And it doesn't know what that is.

But, as a man, you're likely to disregard this feeling in the back of your head. The desire to reproduce is stronger; something might be wrong here, but you can always just get out later if it turns out she's crazier than a bag full of fruit bats. Not so for women. Women approach dating far more cautiously than men do. Their alarm bells ring all the louder, and they pay all the more attention to them. And when you come across too good to be true to women, they tend to pay close attention. They proceed cautiously... untrustingly. Something's wrong with this man, they think, but he won't show me what it is. Instead, he just keeps acting perfect. Never let her find out what that is, and she'll never feel comfortable opening up to you and trusting you. She'll never lower her guard around you and put down her walls. She may never let things proceed, even if you seem outwardly like the catch of the century. That is, of course, until you let her begin to remove your masks. Then, the game changes.

Whether you're too nice (and a little too boring) or too perfect (and a little too suspicious), you'll benefit from learning how to be vulnerable and making yourself into a more Byronic kind of man. In so doing, you will come to embody many of the key traits and qualities of the heroes of just about every romance book, film, or TV show ever made. You will become the man women dream about. Chances are, you already have these traits and qualities, in fact... you just don't know the right way to present them yet. And that's the key - the presentation. Presentation is the difference between an ordinary magician and a great one - the ordinary one knows all the tricks, but the great one is a showman, in addition to knowing the technical aspects of the magic he performs. Put on a good show, and people will admire you wherever you stand.

The Traits of the Hero Wikipedia lists the following traits as the characteristics of the Byronic hero: • • • • • • • • • • • •

Arrogant Cunning and able to adapt Cynical Disrespectful of rank and privilege Emotionally conflicted, bipolar, or moody Having a distaste for social institutions and norms Having a troubled past or suffering from an unnamed crime Intelligent and perceptive Jaded, world-weary Mysterious, magnetic and charismatic Rebellious Seductive and sexually attractive

• • • • • •

Self-critical and introspective Self-destructive Socially and sexually dominant Sophisticated and educated Struggling with integrity Treated as an exile, outcast, or outlaw

Note that normally no one Byronic hero has all of these - a handful of them is all it typically takes, but a mixture of the good and the bad is normally what makes him up. Many of these are traits already established in scientific literature to boost attraction in women (arrogance, emotional extremes, breaking social norms, intelligence, and intrigue are a few; and obviously we don't need to say that sexually attractive has proven sexually attractive), whereas others are traits that, mixed in with the positive traits, give a woman an opportunity to "save" a man. We discussed the other side of this coin - men falling prey to Superman Syndrome and riding in to rescue damsels in distress - in the article on white knights; but the reverse is just as true. Women often want to save a man, because: • • • •

Saving someone makes you feel special - like you are the only person who's been able to reach this other individual at this level of emotional impact Saving someone makes you feel secure - surely, he or she will not leave when he or she owes you such a great debt of gratitude! Saving someone makes you feel like a noble person - you're a hero, someone who's come to the rescue, pulling this other individual out of the fire Saving someone makes you feel powerful - you have the ability to bring good into the world, and into other people's lives

If she can just show him the light, she knows, or help him through his issues, she will have made this imperfect man into a perfect one - and he'll be all hers. She'll be the envy of every woman in town. Of course, it doesn't actually play out like this in real life - most people in need of saving can never successfully or permanently be saved (rather, they remain always in a state of perpetually being in need of rescuing, and always find their way back to that, no matter how many times they're saved), and the people who do get saved soon forget the person who saved them and move on with their lives, seeking to partner with someone who is more their equal now, rather than this person who was their equal when they were not so perfect. But no one thinks that way. Instead, they just keep on saving.

How to Be Vulnerable (Without Being Weak) If you look back over that list of traits above, you should be able to pick out which traits of yours are on that list. When I go down it, I can put a check mark next to most of them. There may be men out there who have absolutely none of these traits, but if so, they're probably so good-natured and so content with their lots in life that I doubt they're among the readership here. If you're reading this article, you should be able to pick out at least 4 qualities in that chart that match your own. Ideally, far more. The issue here, of course, is the presentation; how do you show a girl that YOU are the vulnerable, enchanting, alluring Byronic hero for whom she's been searching without her knowing she was? That's where we come back to masks - multiple layers of them, easily peeled back by the curious. You'll recall what we've discussed in the articles on building intrigue; that women like having to dig to find out more about you. This is the basis behind baiting as a conversational technique, and it's the line of reasoning behind the advice of dialing down the value you show. Normal men - the ones who get slated as "boring" or, alternately, "too high value" - often rush to empty their box of valuable qualities all over the table and lay out their wares for sale. "Here's everything I've got to offer!" they declare to women. Women look over those wares... then, confident they've seen everything, and not having seen anything all that unique compared to the thousands of other men who've shown them very similar wares, they keep moving. Then they come to a man who does not have that approach. That man has a few interesting items out on his table, and boxes upon stuffed boxes behind him, with no indication into what's inside. "These are neat..." says the girl, examining some knick-knacks. "What else have you got?" The man shakes his head; sorry, I can't let you see that. She presses, he apologizes again. Then, he has to disappear into the back room; she sneaks a peak into one of the boxes, getting a glimpse of that which all the other customers never get to see. That's what it's like being vulnerably Byronic; you're the guy with boxes of untold baubles, but you feign not wanting to let her look, until she looks inside on her own. I'm waxing metaphorical, though. How does this apply to your interactions with women in the real world? Simple. Let me give you a series of steps to follow, instead of abstractions and figurative examples to work off of. 1. Don't show all your cards. You know this one, if you've been reading here a while; we talk about it a lot. Don't spill the beans. Don't go divulging everything about

yourself when first asked; keep some back. Girls don't do it with you; and you should not do it with them. It kills intrigue and makes a man boring - leave some things to the imagination. This is a part of why deep diving and being a conversationalist revolve around getting girls talking - instead of you talking. 2. Reveal yourself in layers. As you begin to dive deep and get to know a girl in conversation, she'll begin seeking to find out more about you and probe and learn too. As she does so, you want to start with revealing only the more superficial levels of your motives, while hinting at deeper ones. Too abstract? Here are some examples: A girl you're talking to asks you why you moved to town, and you say, "In search of a new adventure," or, "My old town was great, but after 4 years there I felt like I'd done and seen and experienced everything there was to offer. I need something more." A woman you've just met asks you why you chose the profession you have. "Well, everyone needs a calling - something they can use to impact the world;" you say, "this one's mine," or, "It wasn't my first choice, but it was the best choice available to me to get to where I needed to get to." What do each of these do? They inspire the girl to dig deeper. She's peeled off the first mask - your polite social mask, of "this is what I am and this is what I do." She's discovered the next mask underneath - that you in fact are driven by something other than chance or fate. In the town example, you're an adventurer; but what drives that, and what kinds of adventures? Or, you'd done it all; but what more are you looking for now, and when will you know you've found it? In the profession example, you've found your calling; but what kind of impact are you trying to make? Or, you took a practical choice to get you where you want to go; but where was that, and what would you have chosen instead? 3. Show some of your "damaged" side... but only if it's unexpected. You might talk about getting arrested, or getting in fights, or getting shot at or stabbed. You might talk about a scuba diving accident where you nearly drowned, or the time climbing a mountain you nearly went over the cliff. You might talk about how you were a loner for a long time, and never had friends. But whatever it is, it should be mentioned only briefly in passing, and it should come as something of a shock. Don't talk about how you used to be a loner, obviously, if you still seem like a loner; do it when you're clearly the most social guy in the room. And don't talk about your jail time or fist fights if you seem like a tough guy or hood; do it when you seem clean cut and refined. Don't talk about your adventuring among a group of adventurers; do it among reserved polite society.

You need to pick what's "damaged" based on the particular society. Women are enamored with Byronic heroes in romantic tales because these heroes have unexpected "damaged" histories that are thrilling and exotic to the woman. If a girl's been in and out of jail herself, she won't be too impressed about your night in the drunk tank. But if she's been surrounded by people who'd never dream of breaking the law all her life, when she stumbles across this fact about you she'll have just peeled back another mask. Also, obviously, the same rules apply here as everywhere else in conversation; don't launch into an overlong story simply because you think it'll be great for showing how vulnerable you are. Instead, just mention it, in intriguing fashion, and give her the opportunity to ask more, dig, and probe if she's interested. 4. Be the holder of forbidden knowledge. The easiest way to get someone to push a button is to put a big, fat "DO NOT PUSH" sign next to the button, with no explanation whatsoever why not to push it. If a girl asks you about something and your response is along the lines of, "Well... we all have our little secrets," or, "It's not that important," you will drive her mad with curiosity trying to uncover what these hidden truths from you are. Being highly perceptive and using cold reading and accurately guessing or intuiting things about her can push this agenda too. She'll wonder how you knew that, and assume there's a lot more you must know, too. That last one's optional, but the first three are more or less the order of the day for the Byronic hero. They are the essential elements in the cookbook; to learn how to be vulnerable, you must learn and use these.

A Vulnerable Man Vulnerability does not mean, "I cry when I think about starving children in impoverished nations." Nor does it mean, "I spend all my time trying to save the world!" Oftentimes, all it means for the Byronic man is, "I WISH I could save everyone... but I am only one man, and I cannot." There's a mixture of idealism tempered by realism. The Byronic man is the one who began life as an idealist, but through the chain of his life has become, by necessity, a realist. And that's another thing women love about him - his broken dreams of grandeur, likely never to be fully realized, because he is honest that the world is a hard, difficult, dirty place. He bucked society. He tried to bring his dreams to fruition. He worked, he struggled, he strived. But, like all men who struggle valiantly, at some point he came upon the firm hand of reality, and was checked and slowed down and forced not to dream as big.

He's not like the childish, unrealistic dreamer who thinks anything is possible and there are no limits. And he's not like the cold, forsaken pessimist who believes life is a pointless spinning of the top that goes on only until the top stops spinning and we pass into oblivion. Rather, he's the dreamer who dared to dream big once, but life has tempered his grand ambitions. Yet still, somewhere back in the dusty recesses of his mind, he dreams. And that is what women want to be a part of. Chase Amante The best thing I can say about that is that you need to have a bottom "layer" (you at your absolute core) that is beyond analysis and understanding... that people could spend a lifetime trying to figure out and still not be able to predict what you'll do. The biographies of Steve Jobs and Tupac Shakur are like that. Here are these driven, dynamic, crazy ambitious guys, whom you can't plan around or predict. They do things unexpectedly, and the things they do are unexpected because nobody can completely get inside their heads. Women will try to figure you out. If they ever do, the interest is gone. I don't know how to teach it just yet, but the only thing I can say about the lowest level is "be complex." In fact, start off seeming simple on the surface, and just get more and more complex as she digs down. Make your core something she can dig into forever and never reach the bottom of. But to do that, you must have something driving you and motivating your actions that is of great importance to you... without that, you're easy to figure out: like most people, you just want comfort and happiness. To stay complex, you need to be something more than most people. Chase

Frame Control Examples: Out-Frame Anyone

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 15 May 2013

In "How to Talk About Yourself on Dates," a commenter named Al asked about an article on frame control - examples and advanced/detailed technique:

“One future article I would love to see is a more advanced and detailed article on

frame control. I have read a forum thread by you on advanced frame control which was beneficial and your frame control article on here but I feel I need more real life examples of adroit frame control to be able to master it myself. To put it in to context this last month I have just been focused on reading conversation articles on here as this has been my little "month of conversation" (convenient you slip this article in before the end of the month!) and I found the most valuable article of yours was the annotated example of a conversation you would have. Personally, i find learning by imitating helps initially for all game-related things before i stamp my own persona on how these are used so such an article would be fantastic. Thanks again, Al”

Frame control's a neat topic, and an important one - persuasion and communication is a central point of human existence, and if you want to stay in control and have things go your way, you've got to be good at it - not just at winning debates, but at getting people to see things your way. That's what frame control really is - it's painting the picture in a way that not only speaks to you, but to everyone who's looking at it... your "opponent" included. Here, we'll be taking a deeper look at frame control than we have before, and it's a look chock full of examples to get you thinking about things in the most intuitive way possible.

In his comment above, Al referenced two pages on this site that discuss frame control: • •

"Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like Guaranteed," the late2011 primer on frame control, and "Advanced Frame Control with Charismatic People," a mid-2012 post to the old Girls Chase Forum (now on the new one, too; follow the link) on a few snippets of frame control you'll see used against you on occasion by very socially savvy and rather cunning individuals

Both of these articles discuss nuances and specifics of frame control, but, particularly in reviewing the 2011 piece, it doesn't seem like I made frame control quite as easy to wrap one's head around as I perhaps could have. With that note, let's see if we can revisit the topic from a new angle, and shed a little more light on a potent but murky area of the social and seductive arts.

The Widest Angle Wins In photography, there's a type of lens known as a "wide angle lens." A wide angle lens is a lens you can place on your camera that allows you to take a snapshot of a wider field of view. When it comes to frames, the widest angle always wins. One of the examples I used in the 2011 article was of two burly men meeting in the street, facing off, each man going in thinking he's a champ, until one of them buckles and slinks away, leaving the other victorious in this confrontation of intimidation... and competing frames of mind. What causes the difference in the two men's frames? If your first answer was, "Well, clearly the winner was the bigger guy / the better fighter / the more intimidating opponent / anything else for sure," I'd be willing to be you you're wrong.

If you recall what we discussed in "How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect'," among male mice coming out of rigged fights then pitted against each other, the winners of the fight weren't the biggest mice, nor the most experienced fighters - they were the ones with the highest testosterone levels and the most momentum from immediately previous wins. The winners were the ones who'd just got done winning. The losers were the ones who'd already been losing. I've seen this in real life plenty of times. I've watched skinny guys who sucked at fighting back down much bigger guys with far more combat training simply because the skinny guys were coming from stronger frames. It's a little mind-boggling the first time you see it - you KNOW that big guy could probably tear the other guy to shreds in a fight, but he submits to him anyway. What happened? The skinny guys (in these cases) had stronger raw frames than the bigger guys did. If you can't understand, just imagine being a really big guy, who encounters a really small guy who's unafraid of him. What's this guy know that you don't? Does he have powerful friends? A bunch of other people just around the corner waiting for you to snap? What's he got up his sleeve? The stronger frame wins because the other person assumes you must know something he or she does not. If you're this confident that you're going to win, maybe you have some way I don't know. If you're this confident she's going to love going home with you, maybe you have a way with women she hasn't seen yet. Strong frames come from more than just the testosterone of the person holding the frame, however. Let's set the importance of testosterone itself aside for a moment, and look at the thought and behavioral differences between someone who's been winning, and someone who hasn't. What's different? The main differences are these: 1. Scanning for ways to win: when you've been winning, you start instinctually scanning for opportunities and figuring out how you'll win this next encounter, and this happens automatically. When you haven't been winning, and aren't expecting to win, it's next to impossible to get yourself to do this. 2. Tracking the bigger picture: when you've been winning, you aren't just thinking about the frame battle - you're thinking about the environment, who's watching, what the effects of this social maneuvering will be, how the outcome influences what comes next, etc. When you haven't been winning, your focus is almost certainly going to be ENTIRELY on this encounter - and all the nervousness and psyching-yourself-out that goes along with it. When you're used to winning, you start to know things this person does not know... and you know the other person doesn't know what you know, which makes you even more confident. 3. Thinking clearly: when you're coming in confident of success - or at least not worried about a possible loss having much of an impact - you tend to think a lot more clearly than the person on the other side who's coming in fraught with concerns,

worries, or doubt - and prone to panicking, making mistakes, and tripping over his own two feet, or even just not really knowing where she's trying to take this encounter. One thing that each of these has in common is that you can boil each down to viewing the frame battle from a broader point of view. Back to the example of the confrontation between two big men, while the one guy is only focused on just this guy in front of him, and on dealing with the rushing, pounding, cascading avalanche of emotions crashing down upon him, the other guy is calm and relaxed as he examines not only the battle immediately before him, but how to win that battle, how other people around will react based on if he does one thing rather than another, what the ripple effects will be, what he'll do after the first few punches are thrown, and more. So what ends up going through their minds? The more confident man is thinking, "Okay, I think I've got this. I'm going to do X, he's going to do Y, and then I'll come back with Z and AB." The less confident man is thinking, "Oh crap, am I sure I can take this guy? What kind of tricks does he have up his sleeve?" Beset with uncertainty and doubt and feeling unprepared for the battle ahead, the less confident man bows out. Why? Because the more confident man had a wider angle. Another example: you're talking to a girl, and the following conversation transpires: You: What say we grab lunch sometime? Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends. How do you respond? Well, that depends on the width of your angle. Her angle is almost certainly something like, "I like this guy enough to let him provide value to me as just a friend, but not so much I want to actually, you know, date him." If you're thinking, "Oh no, OMG, I've GOT to have this GIRL!" then you're going to respond with: You: What say we grab lunch sometime? Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends. You: Uh.. okay. Great, so... lunch it is then!

Then you end up relegated to the friend zone, banished there by the loss of frame control here to this girl, who, in this case, had the wider angle - while you were worried about "Dear God, I NEED her!" she was worried about that she valued your contributions, though probably not enough to date you. On the other hand, if you're thinking, "This girl's cute, but I'm super busy and don't have time for platonic female friends. Way too many important things to do in the world - can't waste time," then you're going to respond with: You: Would you do me the honor of grabbing lunch with me? Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends. You: Well, I can't promise you that, but I will promise you you'll have a good time. ... and chances are she laughs and says, "Okay." Why does she say okay? Because she valued you enough to want to spend time on you anyway, and you saying, "The only way we spend time together is if it's understood we may be a romantic item," in a cool, savvy way is attractive, and forces her to decide then and there between two options: 1. Enjoy your value and company, but as a potential lover, or 2. Don't enjoy your value and company at all Assuming you're not completely off-putting, more often than not this one goes your way. Why? Because you had the wider angle view.

Logic vs. Emotion Most people's frames are emotion cleverly disguised as logic. The majority of men new to the social arts don't recognize this, and slip up trying to address only the logic... instead of the underlying emotion first, and the logic only second. You've no doubt seen the famous bit by Chris Rock on love - the one that includes the routine about arguing with women (skip to 2:20 if you want to get right to it):

The line that really makes that routine so hilarious is when Rock counsels men to not even bother arguing with women for this reason:

“It's impossible, you will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing 'cause we have a need to make sense.” What he's really talking about here is frame control: women are better at it. In fact, almost that entire bit by Rock is about women beating men over the head with superior frame control. Women are so good at this because women have a larger portion of their brains devoted to socialization, and they socialize earlier and much more often than men do - they're simply better at all things social and political and nuanced than most men are. And the core reason most men suck at winning frame battles? Not that they have a need to make sense. Rather, it's that they don't understand what they're really about. Because of that, they're not able to properly address the real issue... so they lose. In other words, the woman has a wider angle view than they do. Women realize that it isn't the logic that's most important when it comes to frame control... it's the emotions. Emotions control far more of you than logic does. If you want to win with people, you must address their emotions first, their logic second. While men stand jaws agape, unable to respond at the illogical response volleyed at them by a female argument partner, women pound their point home, gain concessions from their confused prey, and then slink off happy as can be. Because frame control isn't necessarily always about winning, either. Sometimes it's just about confusing the other party enough that you can get what you want.

The Confusion Factor Take that example we mentioned earlier: man asks woman out on a date, woman says sure so long as it's just as friends. Is the woman clueless here? Does she not KNOW his intentions? No. Of course she knows what they are. If she thought he wanted to go out with her as a friend, she'd never have thrown that little caveat in there.

So why'd she do it, then? Simple: she was attempting to use frame control to confuse him into going along with what she wanted. Man: would you go out with me? Woman: yes, so long as it's as your friend. She didn't say "no." She also didn't give him an unqualified "yes." Instead, she faked and dodged - avoiding the unpleasantness of rejecting him outright, and instead twisting around his attempt to get a date with her into a platonic friendly outing of the kind he'd probably never elect to go on willfully of his own accord. She just confused him into being another Shopping Guy. The fun thing about frame control though is that most women seem to understand that that's kind of how it goes. Most women won't resent you too much for turning it right back on them; live by the sword, die by the sword, as the Bible so wisely notes. So when she tries to confuse a man into agreeing to a platonic outing with her, and he confuses her right back by saying we can go but it won't be platonically (something she wasn't expecting, and doesn't have a prepared response for), her response to that usually is not anger or frustration at the reversal, but rather attraction at his social savvy. He's just passed her "test" (although she doesn't think of it that way). And now she finds him all the more compelling for it.

Winning frame battles is about outstanding "frame control," although I don't really even like this term all that much myself. I prefer to think of it as just knowing what you want and what you will and won't tolerate, and going from there. But, for the sake of putting a label on it so you know what we're talking about, "frame control" will suffice, I suppose. How do you learn frame control? How do you get good at it? And how do you know how to respond to novel situations? It all comes back to that wide angle view of things, and knowing where your limits are. I've further broken frame control down into four (4) separate tiers, from highest (most unassailable frame control) to lowest (basic frame control): 1. 2. 3. 4.

Knowing you're right Knowing the best path Knowing frame control Knowing specific responses

Below, we'll take a closer look at each.

The Top Tier: Knowing You're Right In "The 5 Ways to Answer a Challenge in Social Situations" I mentioned being known as the "Comeback King" when younger because of my aptitude at turning things around on my opponents whenever they'd try to verbally one-up me. I was highly competitive, and had an inclination for making sure I knew how to take down opponents deftly and effortlessly - and look good doing it, too. There's another thing I've found that always gives you wings in being able to respond to challengers, though, aside from pure competitiveness and experience doing a thing: that is, knowing you're right. In the case of discussing factual matters, I try to never speak unless I know what I'm talking about. And in the rare case where I'm speculating about something, I try to always coach that speculation with caveats, like, "Well, I'm just speculating here so may be entirely off the mark, but here's my read." If someone wants to attack speculation, I'm happy to back off with a, "If you have better evidence or more experience, be my guest; I don't really know what I'm talking about there anyway." But if someone tries to refute something I'm certain about, that I have loads of evidence and anecdotal experience to back up, without anything short of the most convincing argument back with the most convincing evidence I've ever seen, I'll dismantle their argument.

In the case of insults, you need to know that you aren't what you're being insulted as being (i.e., someone calls you stupid and ugly, and you've got to know you're not stupid and ugly); in the case of women, you need to know that you're probably the best thing that's ever going to happen to a girl if you really want to kill it with frame control. I'll write that latter point out a second time for emphasis: When it comes to women, you've GOT to know you're probably the BEST thing that's ever happened to them if you want the most outstanding frame control you can get with them. Why's that so? Because when a girl's protesting, or her friends are, or she's throwing up reasons why she can't be together with you, you've got to, got to, GOT TO KNOW that those reasons are trash and she's about to miss out on the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to her (YOU). Until you know that and believe it in your bones, you will always struggle with frame control. And how do you get to the point where you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're unquestionably the best thing that could happen to a woman? You must work on yourself to the point where you bring tremendously more value to her life whether in a one-night stand or a long-term relationship - than any other man likely can or will. You must get feedback from women, too - think of it as accumulating credentials. Just like Mike Tyson knows he's the best boxer once he's beaten every other contender, and his frame control there is unshakeable, and Donald Trump knows he's the best real estate magnate once he's pulled off one coup after another, and his frame control there is indomitable, once you're picking up gorgeous, amazing women and giving them the times of their lives and giving them relationships unlike any they've had before or any they'll have after and changing and improving and bettering their lives in nearly every way, your frame of reference becomes naturally unassailable. That takes time, of course (I didn't get there myself until I was maybe four years into approaching and seducing women). And there are no shortcuts aside from turning yourself into a man who provides crazy amounts of value to every woman you encounter: • • • • • •

Riveting emotional connection s Conversation unlike anyone else Ridiculously good sex Inspiration to chase down her dreams and live the life she wants An all-around amazing experience being with you

Knowing you're right... for the uppermost tier of unshakeable frame control, you need this.

Once you arrive there, frame control becomes automatic, and you are beyond reproach (for the most part). Then conversations like this happen: You: Come sit with me and let's talk. Her: I can't... I have to go rejoin my friends. You: Your friends can wait. I can't wait. Let's sit now and you can join them again in a few minutes. Her: But I don't know you! You: That's why you're coming to sit with me. [take her arm and lead] ... and all are said by you in a smooth, commanding, powerful tone dripping with sensuality and complete confidence, and it works well (try doing that with a hint of hesitation or insincerity, though, and it doesn't work at all). When you come across attractive already, and you know that her missing out on you means her missing out on the most amazing man she's ever met, your actions exude this belief - and she picks up on that. It's intriguing at worst to her, and exhilarating at best.

The Next Tier Down: Knowing the Best Path What if you haven't gotten yourself to the point yet where you have so much to offer and know you have so much to offer that you have master-level frame control automatically most of the time? Well, the next best thing is knowing the best path. This one mostly comes down to process and logistics. That is to say, you talk to a girl in a shopping mall for a little while, and then her friends appear and want to do something, and she wants to do something else, and you want to do something other than that. Suddenly, you have a variety of possibilities: • • •

You want to take her somewhere one-on-one She wants to stay with you and keep talking and join her friends later Her friends want her to come to the next store with her and keep shopping

Who wins here? The person who knows the best path that provides the greatest amount of satisfaction to all parties involved. If you aren't certain that's you, then it'll probably be the friends - if there are two of them, pulling her away from you to go shopping with them means:

• • • •

Friend 1 has higher satisfaction Friend 2 has higher satisfaction Your girl has slightly lower satisfaction You have much lower satisfaction

Which is better than her staying with you when you and her don't know what you're doing, resulting in slightly higher satisfaction for both of you, but lower satisfaction for both of them. If, however, you KNOW the best path to take - one that minimizes dissatisfaction for everybody, and maximizes satisfaction where applicable - you usually get your way. You frame control the situation to go how you want it to go. That looks like this: Friend: Amyyyy! Come on, we're going to Zara! You: Tell them you've just met the most amazing man of your life and you want to grab a coffee with him so you don't miss out on it and end up regretting it forever. Her: [laughs] ... Go without me, guys - I'm going to grab a coffee with Mel. I'll catch up with you later. You: Make sure they know I'm the most amazing man you've ever met. Her: [laughs] He's the most amazing man I've ever met! Friend: Okay! We'll see you later! You: Good work. Let's go. Then you'll take her to go get some coffee, and get to know her better and set up a date and grab her phone number, or you'll tell her to text her friends that she's being taken on a whirlwind romance and is leaving to go on an adventure with her new lover, and then you'll take her home and take her to bed. Because of how this is framed, you've just maximized everyone's satisfaction. The friends are laughing because Amy found some guy she obviously likes and who's obviously a lot of fun (he made her tell them he's the most amazing guy of her life, after all); Amy's having a great time, because she wanted to stay with you anyway, and now you've shown her a socially exciting way to pull that off while bringing enjoyment to her friends; and you, of course, are far happier than you would've been had she left. By viewing the situation with a wide angle perspective, you're able to see what's likely to work out best for everyone involved and make interesting things happen.

Taking a girl home when she needs to get up early for work or school tomorrow works like this, too (so long as you're mindful of her schedule and you're not trying to take her home too late - plan the date earlier, and pull earlier, to avoid real time crunches): You: Let's head back and I'll show you that home movie I was talking about. Her: I have to get up early tomorrow. Can we do it next time? You: That's impossible. If we do it tonight, you'll enjoy it a lot more, because women like things that are spontaneous. Plus, you have to get up at 8 tomorrow morning, and it's 9:30 PM right now. You'll be on your way home no later than 11, which means you've still got an hour to lounge around your apartment in your underwear before going to bed to get your 8 hours of sleep. Her: Oh my God...! You: Come on. Again, you're viewing things with a wider angle here - she's afraid about not getting enough sleep (and also about whether she's ready to go home with you so soon), but you've accounted for the logical objection, and you've accounted for the emotional one (your response is a mix of confidence and humor, plus the droll bit about how "women like things that are spontaneous" is true and, delivered properly, will change her thought pattern). Because you know a better path than she does, that maximizes her and your satisfaction more (i.e., she'll still get everything she wants - a full night's sleep without being rushed - plus more good things - spontaneity, doing something fun with you, low to no pressure), your frame of it being good for her to come with you beats out her frame of it being better for her to retire early.

The Third Tier: Knowing Frame Control If the top tier of frame control leaves you unassailable, and the second tier gives you a wide enough angle view that you can usually win, the third tier is a substantial drop from these, but still gives you a good edge. That third tier, of course, is knowing frame control. Knowing frame control means you know the basic rules of frame control, including: •

You cannot back down: once you propose something, you're stuck with it, so make sure you get it right on the first try, because if someone challenges you on it, you've got to push it through. So if you make a dumb comment like, "All Russians drink a lot," and







she starts telling you about her Russian friends who don't drink, you can't abandon ship and still command her respect. You cannot FIGHT with her: frame control is a subtle dance, not a boxing match. You must not get into a heated debate or argument - your points must be stated with subtlety and social grace. The instant you start arguing, you may have won the battle (over who's "right") but you've undoubtedly lost the war (on being and remaining attractive and desirable and relatable). You must tend to the emotions of all involved: if it's just you and her, then you've really only got to worry about what she wants and needs (and what you do). If there's another guy trying to butt into your conversation, or a female friend of hers trying to cockblock, or an employee of an establishment trying to hustle you outside because it's closing time, or anyone else involved for any reason, you've got to tend to their emotions as well - either assuring them of what they need assurance of, or giving them something to engage with, or putting social pressure on them and making them feel awkward and embarrassed for attempting to interfere. You mustn't let her get locked into an idea: the instant she says she's leaving, you've got to start frame controlling her out of it. If you let her say something, then think on it for a while, or ask her too many questions about it that aren't clearly directed at circumventing it, she'll lock the idea in her head as a firm decision, and then good luck getting her to do something else (you still can - with great energy and enthusiasm and spontaneity - but this needs to be well-executed, and it's easier to not have to pull out spontaneity last minute if you can avoid it).

You may not believe you're the best thing that can happen to her. And you may not know exactly what you're going to do with her next. But if you know the principles of frame control, you can often hang in there long enough to win a frame battle and figure out what you need to do (figure out the wider angle view and realize what the right path MIGHT be). Here's some recovery frame control (using that "All Russians drink a lot" gaffe): You: All Russians drink a lot, you didn't know that? Her: Actually, I have a lot of Russian friends, and most of them don't drink. You: Okay, all Russians who aren't friends with YOU drink a lot! Her: [laughs] If you say so. You: So tell me about your Russian friends: why do you have so many? It seems like everyone around here just complains about Russians all the time... and then there's you, and you're friends with them! Why the difference?

In this case, she isn't going to fully accept your frame because she KNOWS it's incorrect - all Russians do not drink a lot. However, you turn it from a statement of fact into something of a joke - and one that she can't easily refute (i.e., she can't cite her friends as examples, because you've just stated that Russians who aren't her friends drink... she'd have to cite some survey by the Russian Census Bureau that found that drinking is on the decline and only 28.4% of Russians drank heavily in 2010 or something like that, which is breaking the mood of the current conversation and being socially awkward, so she won't do it even if she knows of such a study). Here's an example of frame control when others are trying to intervene and you don't necessarily know where you're taking things, but you just want to stop them from intervening: Clerk: I'm sorry guys, I have to lock the café. It's 11 o'clock and time for us to close. Her: Okay... it's time for me to head back anyway. You: It's 11 o'clock on a Friday night... far too early to head back. Her: I got up really early today; I'm flagging pretty bad right now. Clerk: I hate rushing you guys, but I've really got to get going now. Her: Sorry; we're leaving. [to you] Are you ready? You: [to clerk] Give us just a minute, we're taking off in 45 seconds; we won't hold you up. [to girl] I won't keep you out too much later, but there's something I have to show you before you head home, no matter how tired you are. Her: What? You: I can't tell you what it is, but it's totally worth going to bed a few minutes later. Let's stop holding up this poor man - he clearly wants to get out of here and go enjoy his Friday night. Time for us to go enjoy ours. Her: But I'm tired! You: Not for long you won't be. Let's go. You may have no idea what it is you're going to take her to go see or do, but you know you can always promise something fun and amazing and figure out on the way what that'll be - the most important thing for now is making sure she doesn't get locked into the idea of taking off .

The Final Tier: Knowing Specific Responses What happens if you don't know (or believe) you're a girl's best option, hands down... and you don't know the best path to take... and you don't even know the elements of frame control? Do you not stand a chance at ever having things go your way? In fact, this is where "lines" come in... it's why guys look for pickup lines and why early on in the seduction community there was so much emphasis on routines. Guys who don't know how to do frame control itself want to know what to say specifically. This actually is a fairly common part of the early learning process for most men... learning how to respond to specific questions and situations they encounter. You'll see most beginners asking questions like

“She said/did this; what should I say/do?!” This is a guy saying he hasn't figured out frame control yet, and would like you to help him collect responses that will work in specific situations. Those are things like: Her: A gentleman always buys a lady a drink. You: Lucky for me I'm no gentleman. and Her: I only date guys over 25. You: Good thing I don't want to date you. Truth be told, having a repertoire of standard fallback responses (or response templates - e.g., both of the examples above use a "good/lucky thing I'm not" -style template to break the girl's frame) can lighten your mental load and make life easier, though these take time and experience to acquire (although make you seem pretty snappy when once you've got them down). Because there are so many possible things women can say or do or scenarios you can wind up in, it's highly recommend you learn how to use frame control and get out of the bottom tier of needing specific go-to responses to maintain frame control. Sooner or later with every woman and in most situations, you're going to run into something you don't have a scripted response for, and then you need to be able to think on your feet and respond appropriately and improvisationally.

That said, while you're still learning frame control, take the time to write down the situations and frame battles you most commonly encounter, and come up with some standard responses you can use for these. This will address most of the framing difficulties you have, and it'll get you accustomed to responding to women's attempts to out-frame you, and get you familiar with what it feels like to evade these evasions.

Frame Control Wrap Up We can say that frame control boils down to three key elements: 1. Having a wider angle view than anyone else involved 2. Being focused more on the emotion communicated than the logic 3. Being aware of "confusion game" and able to confuse would-be confusers When it comes to men's abilities with frame control, we find there are four tiers, from most advanced to least advanced: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Knowing you're right Knowing the path Knowing frame control Knowing specific responses

Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you say is right and/or that you are the BEST thing that's going to happen to a girl gives you unassailable frame control that usually wins the day (the one exception is when you're up against someone else who knows he or she is right too, and this other person has better debate skills or more people or force on his/her side). The next step down from there is being able to see widely enough that you can figure out the best course of action in any given situation for maximizing the satisfaction of everyone involved and minimizing any dissatisfaction. Next down from that one is knowing how to use frame control itself, such that even if you don't know you're perfectly right and don't necessarily have the widest angle view, you can still wing it long enough to figure out where you're trying to take things. And remember that the basic ground rules of frame control are: • • • •

You cannot back down (so choose your position wisely) You cannot FIGHT (you must be subtle and socially adroit) You must tend to the emotions of all involved You mustn't let people get locked into their ideas (challenge them fast)

Finally, there's knowing specific responses - while these won't help you win every frame battle, they can at least tide you over on the ones you've seen before and the ones you most commonly run into.

Frame control's loads of fun (there's nothing quite like having someone tell you she is ABSOLUTLEY not doing something, and then using nothing but verbal prowess to end up having her come do it anyway, and seeing her enjoy it far more than she would have the alternative), and it's an important skill to learn if you want to succeed at seducing beautiful women... not to mention dodge the slings and arrows the women you seduce and their friends (and your competition) will throw your way - intentionally or otherwise. Yours, Chase Amante

Men do get "hypnotized" by women with frame control this good, yes - same as women do with men who have it. As a man, when you meet a woman who slinks up to you and exudes both sexiness and an air that cries that she KNOWS she's the best thing that could ever happen to you, it's every bit as intoxicating as it is for a woman meeting a man like this. Imagine a woman in a tight red dress approaching a man, pushing him down into his seat, smiling coyly and wagging her finger at him as if to say, "Not just yet..." you can probably picture him drooling pretty quickly in your mind's eye. The "feeling arrogant" and "being surprised to be found desirable" mentalities are a flip side of imagining how others view you... e.g., one way is to think, "This guy must be looking at me and thinking I'm AMAZING!" while the other way is thinking, "He probably doesn't even notice me." And then there's all manner of thoughts in between. The women who most get this kind of arrogance are the ones who get a lot of experience being around men who desire them constantly - sexy singers, performers, dancers; some strippers, some high class call girls or go go girls who've learned how to be so good with men that they make all their johns fall in love. It's rare to find this kind of sexual confidence in a woman outside of the entertainment industries, just because a woman outside these doesn't get the kind of feedback she needs to both constantly refine her approach, if she chooses to, and to reinforce a mentality of being desired by all and clearly someone who makes the opposite sex thrilled just to be in her presence. And that comment on steamrolling - that's this one - absolutely, that's a takeaway worth keeping in mind (for women too!) - treat people how the other people they've brought into their lives have treated them, because that's what they really, emotionally want - not how they tell you they want to be treated (that's only what they think they logically want). The best approach with a customer you're selling to is to ask leading questions that give you the information you need to find out what kind of product they want - usually not even worrying about price. When I was a tire salesman, the first thing I would say to a new customer is, "Let's go take a look and see what kind of tire you have on your car right now." Then we'd go see. Then I'd ask how those tires did for him - was there anything he was unhappy with? How was the mileage, the wet weather traction, snow traction, cornering, ride comfort, road noise? Once you've got the details of what he's looking for, you can start showing him what you've got for sale that best meets his needs.

"Do you work on commission?" => "We do - everybody here has a base salary, plus a certain commission on [type of items] sold based on price / etc." If they ask about whether you're going to try and sell them the most expensive thing there so you make the most money, laugh and say, "I'm going to try to sell you whatever it is you WANT, so that you actually buy and I make SOME money. Besides, that's how I make you want to come back and buy with me again next time, too." If you're getting people pushing decisions off, that isn't usually that you had a weak frame, so much as it is that you didn't inspire any real desire in them to take action or any real confidence in you or that you understand their needs and are meeting them. Compliance refusals - you need to change topics quickly and deftly. The less you've pushed before accepting a rejection, the less damage you take. The pushier you've been without getting a "yes," the worse off you are. Girls teasing you - tease back, or, if you don't want to banter, make a, "Well, anyway..." look like we talked about in "Sexy Body Language for Men (Learned from Hot Girls)." An article on sales - sure, it's a bit off topic, but it'd be fun. I'll queue it up. An article on being a potential lover - well, that's really what the entire site is geared around... geared at turning you into Grade A potential lover material, right up until the point where you take a girl to bed and become an actual lover. The articles on being smooth, being edgy, being vulnerable, and creating sexual tension are all good primers for this. If you're talking about over a longer period of time, review the article on hooking up with friends - particularly the section on staying on her periphery. Chase

Is Qualifying Women Really That Important?

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 20 July 2011

If you're like me and you come from a background of being low attainability with girls -teasing them a little too hard, seeming a little too aloof, causing them to clam up and get cold and snippy and dismissive -- or if you started off as a nice guy and ended up swinging to the opposite extreme, you'd probably be inclined to thinking screening and qualifying is the best thing since sliced bread. I know I sure was. Screening and qualifying is an effective way of finding out if a girl meets your standards. If you're just starting out with women, of course, most of those "standards" are arbitrary standards you're putting up for the sake of seeming like you're being picky; but as you accumulate more success with women, you really do become a lot pickier. So how do you find out if a girl's your kind of girl? Well, you screen her and, when she passes your screens, you qualify her. At least, that's the standard advice. What I've realized lately though is that stand-alone screening and qualifying -- even at its acme, its highest levels -- it's still a technique best suited to beginners and early intermediates. Why? Because, one, screening and qualifying as a stand-alone technique is clumsy. It's unnatural, and it feels contrived. And in fact, as you start getting better, there's something a lot more natural you can use in this approach's place.

A Brief Definition of Screening and Qualifying If you're already an old pro at screening and qualifying, feel free to skip this section and head straight to the next header. If the terms "screening and qualifying" sound like some kind of voodoo black magic to you and you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, then read on! When you're screening women, what you're doing is finding out if they meet your standards. The simplest, most basic form of screening is a question: Do you cook? That's a screen. If you're looking for a woman who cooks, asking women if they cook is the fastest, easiest way to find out. There are a dozen varieties of screening, including more advanced screens like stating what you like (e.g., "I tend to surround myself with a lot of ambitious people, just because I like their energy and that they're constantly achieving things and setting things into motion"). Point is, screening is what you use to get a woman to divulge her qualifications. Qualifying women, therefore, is what you end up doing when a gal passes one of your screens. You let her know she's qualified. You can qualify women a number of different ways as well: telling them you like that they do or are something; responding that what they tell you is very cool or neat or impressive; telling a woman you think the two of you are going to get along just fine, or that she's starting to grow on you, or that you think she'll make a really cool friend. For simplicity's sake, I'll give you the most basic screening / qualifying combination here, which ends up looking like this: You: Do you cook? Her: I do, yes. You: Awesome, I love women who cook. I think you and I will be great friends. Again, that's a very simple screen -- it's good for beginners to play around with, but once you start hitting intermediacy you'll realize it feels a little... clunky. The funny thing is, based on everything I see out there, it doesn't seem like anyone else realizes this. They don't seem to realize the traditional model of screening and qualifying feels... well... contrived.

And they never recommend any sort of improved, smoother, more natural method of screening women and qualifying them... or even discussing why the two are necessary in the first place. That's why I made this post.

Is Qualifying Women All That Important? How About Screening Women -- Important Too? When I started out, screening and qualifying were one of those areas I kept hearing about, but neglected. It didn't feel like it "fit in" to my approach anywhere -- it was like something I had to consciously remember to plug in, but it never quite made it in there snuggly. It was like trying to jam a piece of the puzzle into a place it didn't belong. I'd remember sometimes to ask women if they cooked, or did anything adventurous, or traveled, but it always felt stitched in there. It always felt like I was asking those questions just to ask them -- and it always felt too... forced. What I realize now is that by asking those questions directly, you make it crystal clear to women that you're screening them -- because it's obvious. And it makes you come across like a man who's looking for a girlfriend. Like we discussed in detail in the post on how to get girls, the instant a woman starts thinking of you as boyfriend material, she starts putting the brakes on things and slowing them down. Either she wants you as a boyfriend, in which case she's going to make sure she doesn't mess things up by going too fast. And then, chances are, nothing ever happens. Or, she doesn't want you as a boyfriend -- in which case, you've screened yourself out, because boyfriends and lovers are two very different categories of men that rarely overlap. Whoops. This started dawning on me in 2007, and I started looking for more subtle ways to screen, without painting myself into the prospective boyfriend corner. What I found though was that it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. I tried getting more and more subtle in my screening... but it kept sticking out like a sore thumb. It was too obvious; it didn't mesh well with the flow of the conversation. Why'd I keep doing it then? Because you need it. Screening is important. Vitally so. As is qualifying. And I'll tell you why.

If you walk up to a girl, and don't screen her at all, and then try to move things forward with her -- it feels like your routine. It feels like you're doing the same thing to her you do to everyone, and people don't like that. I'll give you an example so you can feel what I'm talking about. You're in the market for a new house. I'm a real estate agent, and you step into my office. "I'm looking to buy a house," you tell me. A smile spreads across my face. "I've got the perfect one for you," I say. "It's a big, blue ranch home -- 1 story -- no basement, but there's a big shed out back you can store your tools in. Let's head out to my car, and I'll take you there. You have your down payment, right?" "Wait," you say, "what? I hate the color blue, I have a huge family I need to fit into my home -a ranch won't cut it -- and who said I have any tools to store? I haven't even told you what I'm looking for yet, or how much I can pay. You don't know anything about me or what I want!" You're probably not going to trust that I have your best interests at heart. You're probably going to assume I don't really know what I'm doing, and I use this same exact shtick on everyone. And you're probably not going to want to do business with me. But give me one do-over. Let's say now you step into my office, and we have the following conversation instead: "I'm looking to buy a house," you tell me. "All right," I say. "Why don't we have a seat and figure out exactly what you're looking for?" We sit down together. "Why don't you tell me a little about what it is you want in a home," I say. "Well, I'm not really sure," you tell me. "That's okay," I say. "I'll just ask you a few questions then, and we'll figure it out together. Do you have a big family?" "Yeah, pretty big," you reply. "All right -- how big?" I ask. "It's me, my wife, four kids and a dog," you say. "Wow!" I exclaim with a friendly laugh. "That is big! So you probably want a big house, I'd guess?" "Yeah, I guess so," you say.

"Okay," I respond. "And probably something with a yard for your kids and dog to play in?" "Yeah, a yard would be great," you respond. "All right... big house for big family, yard... got it," I say, taking notes as I do. "Do you like new homes, traditional homes -- probably not '70s style with fuzzy green floors, right?" You laugh. "No, definitely no fuzzy green floors. Um, I like brick exteriors, more of a functional kind of guy -- my wife though, she likes a little flourish on the interior and exterior." You see how this one's progressing. We're sitting there, and I'm just taking the time to find out what it is you want exactly. Feels a lot more comfortable, doesn't it? You're a lot more likely to buy from someone who takes the time to find out what you want, what you're looking for, and then shows you what he has that matches your standards. Because that's what a big part about screening is. You aren't just screening the girl -- you're screening yourself, too. You're showing her that yes, you have on offer something that matches exactly what she's looking for, and you're doing it in a convincing way (as opposed to the guy who says, "You'll love this blue 1-story ranch house -- it's perfect for you!" or the guy who says, "Yeah, we'd be great together!" without knowing anything about a girl). The very act of a man screening her reassures a woman that she's getting something unique, special, and tailored to exactly what she wants. Qualifying is the other side of the equation. Qualifying is how you let a woman know she meets your screens. In other words, screening women right tells them you're the kind of man they're looking for. And qualifying women right reassures them they're the kind of women you're looking for -- and prevents them going cold and slipping into auto-rejection like they do with the men they feel like don't value their traits or accomplishments.

How to Screen Like the CIA All right, so screening and qualifying are good and important elements of getting to know a girl -- we've established that. How do you screen in a way that doesn't feel clumsy -- like that puzzle piece crammed into the wrong part of the puzzle? Screening is about discovering information. It's about finding out what makes a woman tick. Because of that, it ends up being a very natural fit with deep diving and building emotional connections with women. Properly integrated into your conversations, screening allows you to cut to the core of a woman in the space of only a few questions. Here's an example of a deep dive. Tell me what you think this sounds like the guy is doing: Guy: How long've you been living in Sydney? Girl: Hmm... about three years now, I guess. Guy: You like it, then? Girl: Actually not that much! How about you, you from here? Guy: No, just passing through. [pause] Well, so if you're not so fond on Sydney, why stay? Girl: Well, my job's here, and my friends, and... Guy: You could get a new job somewhere else, right? Girl: Sure, wouldn't be too hard. Guy: And I suppose it'd take a little while, but you'd make new friends too, yeah? Girl: I guess so, yeah. Guy: So what's really stopping you? Why're you still in a town you're not all that high on? Girl: I don't know. Just kind of got stuck here, I guess. Hard to leave. Guy: I got you. You'll stay here longer, you think? Girl: A few years, maybe. I want to get my Master's.

Guy: What's your dream? So let's say you get your Master's... do you stay in Sydney and get a white picket fence house and find the perfect man and settle down and have a few kids and a career? Girl: Oh, God, no. That sounds a little too boring for me. Guy: What, then? Girl: I'd like to start a fashion line. You know, design things for people to wear. Guy: Ah. Now that sounds like a good dream. Girl: What about you... what are you doing with your life? Guy: Well... it's complicated. Girl: How so? What do these statements seem like? • • • • •

"If you're not so fond of Sydney, why stay?" "You could get a new job somewhere else, right?" "You'd make new friends too, yeah?" "What's stopping you?" "What's your dream?"

Yep... all screens. Woven into the very mesh and fabric of the deep dive. What makes a man a skilled conversationalist isn't merely his ability to keep others engaged; it's his ability as well to extract large amounts of information -- both to inform himself about his conversation partner, and to identify additional avenues to take the conversation. Deep diving essentially uses a system of screens to drill down to the inner layers of a woman's history, personality, dreams, preferences, and identity. It gets you to the quick of her, and seamlessly integrates screening with your standard, ordinary conversation. You don't have to clumsily fumble around with awkwardly timed screens when you use deep diving. The pieces of the puzzle all fit neatly together.

2 Tips for Qualifying Like a Pro 1. Ask questions, and 2. Share related stories.

That means, she says, "Yes, I can cook," and you ask her what dishes. She tells you a little about her cooking, and you tell her a short story about how your last attempt at cooking went horribly awry -- and then you ask her another question about her cooking again. Yes, it's good to express approval -- e.g., "Now that sounds like a good dream," in our deep diving example above -- but you really don't need to do that all that much. So much of the advice out there on qualifying is about telling women you like something about them directly. She says, "Yes, I can cook." You say, "I like that." Frankly, to me, that's clumsy. Fine when you're starting out, but once you've got your feet under you and you're comfortable telling girls you like them and that they meet your standards, you want to cut that out. Instead, ask questions to show interest, and share related stories of your own to bond. That girl, in the example deep dive above -- think she feels like the guy is interested? Of course she does. If he wasn't, he wouldn't keep asking her to know more. She feels like he's really, honestly getting to know her -- because he is. Most guys she meets just ask her where she lives, and leave it at that. They never find out she doesn't like the town that much, that she's in a bit of a rut in her life right now, that she intends to pursue her Master's, and that her dream is to launch her own fashion line. But the guy above got all that out of her in about a minute and a half -- and I guarantee you, she feels increasingly qualified around him. The more someone shares of him or herself with you, the more deeply connected to you he or she feels. It's a feeling completely automatic -- it can't be controlled. Qualifying isn't about telling a girl, "I like that you can cook." It's about showing interest in her cooking -- asking her what she cooks, where she learned that skill from, how long she's been doing it, if she has any special recipes, how often she cooks, if she has any cooking disaster stories -- that's what makes her feel qualified. Because she feels like you've actually taken the time to get to know her. That does a better job of qualifying than any number of, "I like that," statements ever could. So -- screening and qualifying -- important? You bet they are -- but wherever possible, cut out the clumsiness. Integrate them with your regular conversation, and make sure all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. It'll all go a lot more smoothly.

Ciao for now, Chase

How to Qualify a Girl and Ramp Up Attraction

by Alek Rolstad Saturday, 7 June 2014

Hi everyone. Good to be back! How is everyone doing? I am sorry for having been inactive. I was busy with school. But now it is all over and I will be able to pump out a few articles for you! Previously we discussed what it meant to have standards. We covered different types of standards and reflected on different aspects of it. Today we will talk more about standards, but this time more about its practical aspects – namely, how you can use “standards” in qualification.

First of all, I am aware that qualification has been covered multiple times here at Girls Chase, but in my belief, repetition is good, especially when it is about important topics.

Also, I probably have a different view on qualification than other posters here, which in the end will just build up to your technique arsenal of mass seduction. New readers will of course benefit from this post as well. Also keep in mind that this post on qualification, like the previous one on standards, is another of the crucial elements of sexual prizing. This post, in fact, covers such an important element of sexual prizing (a concept I introduced a month ago), that if you want to be able to truly understand my upcoming posts on that topic, this one is a must read.

Standards Before we begin, let us recap (quickly) the major types of “standards” we discussed in our previous post: 1. Hotness: That a girl is beautiful enough to reach your standards. In other words, a girl needs to be beautiful enough for you to be willing to have sex or get into a relationship with her. 2. Personality: That a girl has a personality you can get along with. Having standards in terms of “personality” means that you require a certain personality from her (i.e., she must be kind, feminine, sweet…). 3. Logistical standards: Meaning you require certain logistics (living nearby, alone, free the next day…) from her in order to be willing to have sex with her (this one applies primarily to casual sex). 4. Sexual compatibility: A standard based on the fact that you and the girl have to match sexually (that you are to a certain extent into the same kinks) in order for you to be willing to hook up with her. Let us now cover what qualification is, and how having standards fuse with the art of qualification.

What is Qualification? One of the most commonly used tools in seduction is qualification. Most good seducers use this tool to make girls who are attracted to them even more attracted and help them seal the deal much easier (such as making it easier to take her home to your place and escalating till the end). Qualification basically means “qualifying” the girl. Now, you have probably already noticed that such a technique easily makes you into the prize and the woman into the chaser. For those who have been around here for a while, you know that being chased (i.e., being the prize in women’s eyes) is a good thing when it comes to seduction. Before I explain further what qualification is, let me give you an example of what it looks like:

Alek: You seem like a really sweet and charming girl, but sadly you seem a little closed-minded… for me. What you saw there is a qualifier. In other words it’s bait, and if women go for it (i.e., qualify to it)… you are most likely in. As you saw, I challenge the girl in order to force her to qualify to me. Once she qualifies to my qualifier I will be the one being qualified to, in other words, I’ll be the prize. Also, this obviously displays that you have standards. You have certain things you are looking for, and you will not spend your time on someone who cannot provide those things. This is also a good thing, because fact is: having standards is more or less attractive – or at least, all attractive men have them.

By having standards you indirectly communicate that you are of higher value and that you have multiple options (else you would not be in a position to have standards, right?). Basically, having standards is an attractive trait, and qualifying is a good way to communicate it. Now there are two ways of qualifying: the first way is to ask her whether or not she qualifies to your standards. “You are very sexy, but are you adventurous?” Or you can qualify her by disqualifying her. This way can often be more powerful in how it is more or less forcing her to qualify herself, but again, it is also riskier as it can upset her. Let’s face it, disqualifying her is a little bit “ruder”. In our first example of what a qualifier looked like, we used this form, but I will give you a new example in order to avoid confusion. “You are so charming, energetic, and passionate! Sad you don’t seem that sexually liberated, because that would be really hot.”

Qualification as a Way to Test for Interest Not only does qualifying make you more attractive but it is also a very good, safe, and easy way to test her level of interest – find out whether or not (or how much) she is into you. If she qualifies to you she is most likely into you; if she doesn’t she is most likely not. Let us exemplify that: Example #1: She Qualifies: Alek: You seem like a really sweet and charming girl, but sadly you seem a little closed-minded… for me. Julia: Oh… no I am not closed-minded at all…

As you can see, she now qualified to your qualifier (your little challenge). You displayed a standard – namely that you don’t like closed-minded girls – or put another way: you want open-minded girls. Now… she qualified to your standard as she is trying to qualify to you. Basically, qualification as a technique means that you put out bait (a qualifier) in order to make her qualify to you – simply put: force her to fit into your standards; force her to “try to win you over”.

In this example, she is indeed attracted to you, and therefore she is trying to show you that she is the type of girl you like – she is qualifying to you. Now what if she does not qualify…? Example #2: She Doesn’t Qualify: Alek: You seem like a really sweet and charming girl, but sadly you seem a little closed minded… for me. Julia: Maybe I am, why do you care? [truly not qualifying] Here you can see that she is most likely not attracted. Maybe she is just playing a game? Maybe she is trying to keep her status as the prize – the one being chased?

It doesn’t matter because you will respond to it the same way, which is our next topic.

Responding to Her Response So how do we respond to her qualification? Or even more importantly, how do we respond to her disqualification? Well, think of it as a concept of “punish/reward” where you reward her for behaving an appropriate way, and you punish her for not doing so. So if she qualifies to you it is key that you reward her. You can do so by giving her a compliment. Even better, compliment her for being the girl you qualified her to be. This way you motivate her to qualify further, which obviously will only benefit you! Remember that you can also use non-verbal communication (signs of interest) to reward her, such as touching her or giving her strong eye contact! So let’s now use another example: Alek: You are hot indeed, but are you an easy-going girl? I like easy-going girls! Julia: Oh thanks, well yes I believe I am! Alek: Awesome! You are not only pretty, but also easy-going! I love you! [delivered in a non-serious way of course…] Now… what if she doesn’t qualify? Well, in such a case the logical answer would be to give her a negative remark, but that can be very risky, especially if you really want that girl. It is therefore more advised to give her an “ice-cold”, “disappointed” and “careless” remark, as if you just lost a little bit of interest in her, without being directly negative toward her: “That’s sad… because you are indeed really sweet” can do it (did you see that I used a compliment to balance it, in order to not upset her? That can be a good tool!). Example: Alek: Is such a confident girl like you, also sexually confident? Julia: I don’t think it is any of your business, and no I am actually a little shy! Alek: Meh… I see… [being careless and non-impressed is maybe the best answer?]

But if you want to play it safe, you can always avoid her response and proceed with more escalation, more attraction buildings techniques, maybe even isolate her better (just “generate a little bit more attraction”) in order to try again later? If you don’t react or give any responses (especially not verbal responses) to her disqualification, her disqualification will lose its value – it will be like it had never taken place. This can be seen as a very safe technique, yet it is not powerful, in the sense that you are not reacting to it. By reacting to her disqualification (by, for example, showing a loss of interest), you somewhat disqualify her. By disqualifying her, you force her to qualify to you even harder. But again, this can go both ways. Calibration is key and field experience is what makes you into a calibrated master! Keep in mind however that if after a few attempts she still does not qualify to you, maybe it is time to reconsider your investments and move on?

Qualification as a Way to Show Interest Giving compliments and showing interest might work in some cases, but in many cases it can make you come across as needy. However, if you use a qualifier and she qualifies back, as mentioned earlier, you have to reward her with a positive remark (say a compliment). This gives you a chance to give a compliment, or simply display some interest without coming across as needy because you have a good reason to show interest in her – she just qualified to you; she just communicated to you that she fits within your standards. So it is of course in its right place and far from needy to display some interest in her in such a scenario. Why is it at all important to show interest? Well it pretty much creates an “it’s on” moment between you and her.

If she shows interest in you, and you (as a result of her qualifying) show interest in her, you create a vibe (or a “bubble” if you like) where you and her have something special going on; there is some mutual attraction taking place (and remember, mutual attraction is key). Remember that when a woman feels that there is something special going on between you, isolation (getting her away from the crowd), extraction (taking her home), and escalation (building up from a social vibe into a sexual one) becomes much easier.

Which Standards can be used for Qualification? First of all, I know some seducers like to qualify women in terms of their looks. “You are very sweet, but I am sadly not into blondes.” Personally… I think this is a terrible idea. You really hurt her feelings, as a woman’s looks are a very sensitive topic.

Further, the purpose of qualification is to make her qualify. If you try to make her qualify to you in terms of looks (or even worse… hotness – “you are not hot enough”) there are very small to almost no chances that she will qualify to you. She will most likely not commit to plastic surgery in order to fit your standards of beauty, nor will she even dye her hair. All you risk is her getting very emotionally hurt and things going south. “Personality” and “sexual compatibility” however are probably the best and easiest things to qualify a girl on. Not only are they far less sensitive topics than looks, but also it gives women a chance to display different sides of their personalities. If you think women are honest about their personality or who they are, then you are wrong. It is known that women can be “anyone” in order to attract a desired male, or in order to be perceived as an attractive woman by her surroundings. Now a woman does have a personality, but when out meeting men, she is not always displaying her true self… This again gives you a lot of room to make her qualify to your desires. Keep in mind that if you qualify a girl on sexual compatibility, you risk facing “anti-slut defence”. Be sure you have read and mastered the techniques against it before considering this approach (more on this in future posts). Moving on to “logistical standards”, it can be wise to ask her about her logistics once in a while: •

“Where do you live?”



“Who do you live with?”



“Are you from around here?”

… in order to figure out her logistics. But again, do not make it obvious that you want to know everything about her logistics, as it can seem a little creepy (you communicate to her that you “obviously want to take her home” – bad bad!), but instead, once in a while you sneak in a question about her logistics. She either has good or bad logistics and it is up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to proceed with this girl or not (I recommend to not proceed with girls who have bad logistics). In this case, if she qualifies, you keep interacting with her. If she doesn’t, move on.

Small Tips on Qualification Here are just some small tips that will make qualification easier and more powerful for you.

1. Always give a small compliment before qualifying – this way, not only do you motivate her to qualify to you, but you also remove the risk of her getting upset in case she takes your qualification attempts negatively (especially if you use a disqualifier). 2. If you qualify without having sensed any interest on her part, you risk that she won’t qualify to your qualification attempt. Many seducers recommend waiting until you have “generated” some attraction in her, although that isn’t necessary if she shows strong signs of interests right away. 3. Whatever you qualify her for, make sure you communicate that you find such a thing attractive. For example, if you would like to qualify her on being “adventurous” make sure you let her know that you find adventurous women attractive.

Qualification Recap Having standards is an elementary trait of being an attractive man. And in this article we have covered how we can display those standards in order to convey that we are attractive men. This is done by using what we called “qualification”, with the use of “qualifiers” where we try to figure out whether or not she fits into our standards and then proceed with challenging (or “forcing”) her to fit into them. This can be done by either qualifying her, in the sense that you openly ask her whether she fits into one of your standards, or by disqualifying yourself to her by assuming she doesn’t, in order to force her to prove the opposite. Her response to your qualification attempts will of course vary. She will either qualify back or not (if not, we can say she is disqualifying herself to you). If she qualifies it is important to reward her with some positive attention and signs of interest. If she doesn’t, either display a sign of disinterest or avoid her response and try qualifying her again later on, with the hope of better success. We have also discussed why I believe qualifying in terms of “personality” and “sexual compatibility” are your best bets. They are NOT touching into a sensitive topic such as “looks/hotness” while at the same time they give the most room for her to qualify to you. We have also seen that qualification can be used to test for her interest and can also be used as a tool to show interest without coming across as needy. All in all, qualification is a very strong tool that most seducers use either consciously or unconsciously. I hope you found this post useful. Question and comments are welcome. Until next,

How to Become Romantic

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 28 June 2011

You know, I've been called a lot of things. I've been called an extremely warm person; I've been called a cold man. And at times, I've been called a romantic. To me, romanticism is an ideal, of sorts. It's a refusal to accept the baseness and ugliness of the "real" world, as most consider it. And, it's the creation, in your own self and in the life you lead, as well as in the life you help those around you to lead, of another world -- a world where things are filled with meaning, where people truly matter, and where we all are the authors of our own spectacular, riveting stories. As a romantic man, you become able to touch others' lives and bring hope to those who lack it. You inspire; you motivate; and you energize. You take those for whom the world had been empty and cold, and make it feel as though it's buzzing with electricity and potential. And best of all, you take the fantasies that women read about so avidly in their romance novels, and you can bring them to life. Striving to become romantic is, to me, something very much worth striving for -- romanticism gives you an ability to affect others' lives that is in some ways without equal.

The "Loss" of Romanticism I want to start this one out by saying I'm not so sure romanticism has ever really been "lost."

Sure, if you read books about 100 to 200 years ago, it seems like just about every guy was a romantic. But that's books -- and books are fond of fanciful and idealistic characters. If you ask me, I'd be really surprised if there were actually a whole lot of romantic men at any point in history. Because, you see, romantic men are rare. And women love them. They go crazy for romantic men... all of them. So why don't more men become romantic? Well, there are two things that romanticism ultimately stems from: • •

A joyful, blissful love of women A blinding, nearly unshakeable optimism about life

Most men don't have those qualities, and that's why most men aren't romantics. A man must genuinely really love and enjoy and care for women to be a romantic. This is different from what nice guys do. And the distinction is incredibly important. Nice guys try to be nice and pretend to be nicer than they are and supplicate to women and kiss up to them. Usually they think they're flying under the radar... and what ends up happening is either they succeed in flying under the radar (and women really, honestly think they only want to be just friends and never see them as more than that), or they fail in flying under the radar (and end up seeming creepy to women). Romantic men, on the other hand, don't try to hide their interest in women -- they're upfront about it. They can do this either by stating it outright -- in a very smooth, natural way, of course -- or by implying it through their nonverbal communication, voice tone, and implications (such as chase framing). Women know, most of the time, that if a man's spending much time on them, he probably has some degree of romantic interest in them. Because of the way attraction works, women have the highest degree of respect and mutual attraction for the men who are just honest about their attraction and don't try to conceal it in fear. That's what nice guys do -- they try to hide their attraction out of fear of being rejected. Women instantly take that as a sign they should reject them -- who knows you better than you? So if a guy thinks a woman ought to reject him, most of the time that woman is going to trust his judgment of his own worth, and listen to what he thinks she ought to do. A guy's afraid a girl's going to reject him? She'll probably end up rejecting him. Romantic men combine two aspects of very successful lovers that appeal to women at a very deep level:

1. confidence, and 2. a way with women. Confidence tells a woman a man must be desirable, else he would not expect attraction with such self-assuredness. A way with women also tells a woman a man must be desirable -- he must have had success with women to have developed this way with them. And what women tend to be looking for, ultimately, is a man who's already successful with women -- confidence and a way with them are the keys that tell her he is. Back to what we were talking about earlier. Have the romantics been lost? The answer, I'm quite confident, is no, they haven't. In fact, you can find romantics just as much today in women's reading materials (romance novels, for instance) as you can in books of old. And there are indeed men today who reap the rewards of romanticism. Western culture may have hurt the number of romantics out there somewhat -- with all the "men vs. women" polarity there is these days stemming from the feminist movement and backlashes against men and return backlashes against women, there are a lot of cynical men out there now (along with a lot of cynical women). There's a big divide between the sexes, a lot of distrust, finger pointing, and prickliness. But there are still men out there who love women. And those men do so much better with them than the cynical men that it's not even funny. I don't think romantic men were ever all that common before. Men hundreds of years back had to spend too much of their time at work, and had too little leisure time, to spend much time pursuing women as romantics. Only the odd man out -- a man with an aristocratic background, perhaps, who was also well-traveled -- ended up as a romantic. Nowadays, men have more leisure time, but with today's cynicism about women and dating, many men have in-built opinions that stifle any kind of romantic whims they might otherwise have. That's why, even in a time when men have the availability and the resources to become romantics, romantics are still so rare. And that's why women continue to treasure them so much.

How to Become Romantic I think you've really got to be a bit of an artistic type yourself naturally to become romantic. Fortunately, most people out there are at least a little bit artistic or creative. If you like good movies, for instance, you're probably artistic enough to turn yourself into a romantic. The hardest part in being romantic is shedding any cynicism or misogyny you might still carry from when you struggled with women. Even among men who become good with women, it's still quite common to have a lot of retained resentment left over from the days when they didn't do so well with girls -- this you must fight at all costs. Cynicism is mental poison on so many levels; I'm a staunch anti-cynic myself. Some people seem to think that cynicism makes them cool... I just think it makes people really off-putting and lame. Now, *I* used to be a cynic, some years back. Until one day I realized that every cynical thing I said or thought made me feel a little worse on the inside when I said it or did it, and then I realized that the bad feelings I had on the inside were coming from myself. That prompted a revolution in how I handled my own internal life and judgmentalism -- see "How to Overcome Depression" for more on taking control of your thoughts and feelings. But I am fully, absolutely, 100% convinced you just can't become a romantic man until you've shed cynicism and really found love for women -- it can't be done. Romance and cynicism are mutually exclusive -- one comes from love for women, and one comes from resentment of them.

Typically, you'll find that cynicism fades as you acquire more and more positive experiences with women, but not always. It's something you have to watch for and police in yourself and remove that bad thoughts. Once that's out of the way though, and you acquire a genuine love and appreciation for women, here's all you have to do to turn yourself into a romantic man: •

Benchmark. Watch some movies with very attractive, alluring men (Val Kilmer's wooings in The Saint are some of my favorite), and watch how strong guys woo women in romantic ways. They're passionate in love-making; silent in other ways; and they quite often extremely strong, powerful men. You don't see truly romantic men chasing after women, the way, say, a Greek or an Italian man might. Truly romantic men are able to enchant women without having to pursue relentlessly.



Learn to show their affection in unexpected but powerful ways. You notice that many romantic men skip expensive gift and purchases for women -- they recognize that an inexpensive but meaningful gift (such as something you've personalized or made yourself, say with a poem or an inside joke or pet name) carries far more emotional impact. They'll also do things like take a woman some place in town that they know she'll like -- she loves independent art, say, and you happen to find a small independent art gallery she doesn't know about -- and they use surprise a lot -- so you might take her to that gallery without telling her where you're headed. Just take her there, walk in, and let her be amazed.



Learn to show more than tell. Related to the example of the small art gallery in that last bullet, while most men talk a lot to women about their feelings or how much they care about her, romantic men show women -- through remembering important little things about them, small subtle gestures, etc. When she's upset, simply bringing her into an embrace wordlessly rather than trying to comfort her verbally is a great example. Guiding her across the street with your hand on the small of her back or changing positions with her to walk curbside is another.

Most importantly, remember that being a romantic man is about the emotions you cause women to feel. Most guys never spend much time learning how to spark emotions in other people and make them really feel; I tend to believe this is one of the most crucial interpersonal skills you can develop in yourself. The man who can make a woman feel can make her fall in love. If your aim is success with women, becoming that sort of man is one of the fastest roads there. Yours, Chase Amante

Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Hey Jiminy, Must take issue with your comment here... as follows: "Most guys never spend much time learning how to spark emotions in other people because most guys have other things to do with their lives." Such as? The men who've developed the ability to spark emotions in others tend to be the most powerful, successful businessmen, spiritual leaders, politicians, and celebrities out there, as well as the most successful and charismatic ordinary folks you'll find. And while I don't doubt the less successful people out there have "other things to do with their lives," I do doubt that those things are much better than investing in developing themselves. "I can sum your whole article up in 3 words. Just be yourself." Actually, this article was about how to create within yourself something that wasn't there before (romance)... rather than continuing on exactly as you are right now. "If a woman doesn't like you because your not romantic enough, she has very low intelligence and can't see the bigger picture." This uses the same logic as saying, "Well, if those corporate fat cats won't give you a job, they clearly aren't smart enough to realize what an incredible employee you'd be and they just don't get it." It's your responsibility, as a man, to get the message across and convey what you have to offer. Women are the choosers, just like employers. There are ways of turning the tables about and getting them pursuing you, but you need to understand and accept that you're being selected from among a pool of applicants first. One can reject that all he likes, but it doesn't change the way the world works. You can say, "If movie stars don't want to date me, they're just stupid!" but that doesn't necessarily make it so. "These are the same type of women that will require you to be romantic, then when you've done that they want something else, then something else." Wait, who said anything about women "requiring" you to be romantic? This post isn't about the girl who says, "Why can't you be more romantic, Fred?" It's about men creating an air of the romantic about themselves.

For the woman making demands, there are a number of posts addressing that on this site. "The moral of the tale is simple. Be yourself. If they don't like you too bad for them." But the moral of this site is, "Transform yourself into more than you were before." If a woman decides not to go to school beyond high school, and not to get a job and instead live with her parents, and not dress well and always dresses in frumpy clothes, and doesn't do her hair up, and spends all day watching soap operas and reading celebrity gossip rags, then complains that the only men she attracts are deadbeats and that all the rest of men out there are just too stupid to date her --- would you agree? Should investment bankers and rock stars and Senators chase after this girl? Are these men fools for turning down a catch-of-a-lifetime like this? If you think not, then you like your women to have worked on themselves, which means you're on Team Self Improvement and you didn't even realize it. Welcome aboard -- hope you find some things of use on the site. Chase

How to Ask a Girl Out (the 8 Great Steps to "Yes!")

by Chase Amante Thursday, 25 August 2011

A little after I'd turned 14 years old, I asked a girl out for the first time. I walked up to her in front of the entire school, and flat out asked her to go to the school dance at the end of the year with me. She was the prettiest, most popular girl in school, and she'd flirted with me and chased after me hard for close to a year -- in fact, she'd already asked me out about 6 months earlier (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). But by the time I finally asked her out, she'd largely given up on me -- the window had passed, and she'd moved on. I didn't know about escalation windows at the time, though I guessed something like that might be the case -- and sure enough, she said "no," albeit in a very socially gracious way. She told me she wanted "to be friends first," which I knew meant we weren't going to the dance together. The reason I share this story with you is because what I want to talk about with you in this post today is how to ask a girl out -- and my 14 year old self got it all wrong. I'd been planning to write a post on this for some time, but a reader just wrote in asking about this one specifically -- so, I'll put this one off no longer. He says:

“Man chase I really have been in a funk lately. I'm back in school and I feel like a social retard now lol! I need some advice, I really need help with asking girls out on dates and what that actually looks like you know? I'm reading your articles and a lot of it is making sense but closing the deal and getting dates is weird for me. I guess I really haven't actually asked a girl out on a proper date before my last GF I got with because I was able to escalate things with her fast.”

Hey brother, I'm glad to oblige. In answer to your question, I present to you (and all the other cats out there with the same thing on their minds) this post, which will teach you -emphatically, unequivocally, and without fluff, huff, or pomp of any kind -- how to ask a girl out... and always (or almost always, anyway!) get a "yes."

I'm planning on going fairly in-depth into helping you to get yourself schooled up and solid enough on the topic of how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" in this post. We're going to cover a lot of ground here today. So on that note, I've split this article up into two subsections. That way, if you're just skimming for the main points, or don't have a lot of time to get all the way through it all, you can take a look through these 3 most vital points now, and then you can come back to the rest later when you have more time or need more tips. Let's dive into the 3 essential tips you can start using right away to start getting you some "yes"es.

How to Ask a Girl Out: Strike While the Iron's Hot This one ought to be obvious enough just from that story of mine I shared at the start of this post -- wait too long and the window closes. But yet, no matter how many times this happens to a guy, many guys keep making this same mistake. I know it sure plagued me for a long time. That mistake, of course, is the mistake of waiting to ask a girl out until it's too late. In other words, the guy who's sitting around, biding his time, waiting for the "perfect moment"... and then of course he ends up waiting forever, because the "perfect moment" never arrives. How often have you had a girl you really liked, that you were waiting for the "perfect moment" to ask out? Probably pretty often, right? If you're like I used to be back in school, you probably

have 1 or 2 girls at all times that you're just waiting for the right moment for... and you might very well end up waiting on that moment forever. Well, new news: women don't wait around forever. They've got options. Competition's fierce. What that means for you is, if you wait around, you don't get the girl. On top of that, because attraction has an expiration date, the longer you wait to make something happen with a woman, the lesser her attraction for you becomes -- and the more likely she is to be closed off to doing anything with you. That means, you ought to ask girls out soon. Like, as soon as you realize you like them, just about, you ask them out. Not a week after you decide you like a girl; not a month later. You ask her out within a few days of realizing you'd like to ask her out -- preferably, you ask her out within a few minutes of realizing you'd like to ask her out. The less time elapses between the moment you realize you'd like to ask a girl out, and the moment you start your feet moving to go over to talk to her and ask her out, the higher the likelihood is that both A) you ask her out at all, ever, and B) she says "yes." And I know, that's a little intimidating -- especially if she's really cute and you like her a lot. "Because," you might ask yourself, "what if she says 'no?'" But here's something else to think about -- what if you never ask her? How many days and nights will you spend tearing yourself up inside just thinking about her wondering, fantasizing, dreaming -- when all you had to do was ask? Here's what asking right away does for you: •

It greatly increases the odds you get her while she's still receptive to you



It gets you an answer, now, definitively, so you aren't left wondering forever



It allows you to start actually spending time with her, if she says "yes," instead of spending time thinking about her -- much less fun



It starts getting you experience and starts training you to have an easier and easier time talking to girls and asking them out.

At worst, asking a girl out right away compels you to realize that a girl saying "no" isn't the end of the world. And at best... you end up with your dream girl. See why this is a good thing?

Don't Make the Asking Out a Big Deal "Miss," I asked that girl back in 8th grade, in front of pretty much the entire school, "would you do me the honor of accompanying me to our graduation dance?" Nope, I wasn't trying to be cute. Yep, I was dead serious. And yeah, no, don't do that. I guess if you lived on the American frontier or you were a sea captain in jolly old England a hundred years ago or something, formality and big-deal-making was a nifty way of having stuff feel special. Now it just makes everybody nervous. Who wants to be invited on some big, fancy date? The order of the day in the modern era is "casual." Nobody goes and does formal courtship anymore. In fact, the only time you'll ever even hear women talking about how much they wished a man would ask them on a formal date is when they're near the end of their twenties, and they start talking about how they've had their fill of one-night stands and bad boys and now they're finally ready to have a gentleman come and court them and eventually marry them and take care of them. Meantime, of course, while some guy is courting them, they're often still having casual things going on with the less formal guys. I know, because I've been both of those guys. Whatever you might hear otherwise, women don't like formal dates. They don't respond to them. They might think it's a classy, romantic idea, but formal dates don't get women in your bed, and they don't get women being your lovers or your girlfriends the majority of the time either. Formal dates kinda suck. So then what do you do? You simplify your dates -- more on this later -- and you ask women out in a super chill, casual way. Like so: Hey Becky, what's your schedule like this week? Let's grab some food or a drink. Boom, done. Not so hard once the formality's gone. Don't kill yourself trying to figure out exactly the perfect thing to say -- you're just asking her out.

Ask a Girl Out on a High Note

Another lesson you can take away from that early attempt on my part back in 1997: don't just walk up to her and ask her out of the blue (or when she's in the middle of talking to all of her friends with about 200 people standing around watching). Instead, ask her out on a high note.

If you want to know how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" almost every single time, this one is absolutely the key to the whole thing. You ask her out when she's enjoying talking to you -and she's going to say "yes." You know when most inexperienced guys ask a girl out? It's either: • • •

Out of the blue, like 14 years old me, While she's in the midst of conversation with other people, like 14 years old me, or As a conversation with her is circling the drain and it feels like it's now or never.

Rephrased, most guys ask girls out when: • •

It feels random and awkward, or It feels like there's no connection between them and, again, it's awkward.

No wonder so many guys are terrified to ask girls out, and/or not all that good at it. They ask at the wrong damn times in the wrong damn situations!

Honestly, if some random guy started talking to you, and then you guys talked and talked, and then started running out of conversation, and then it started feeling a little awkward, and then he was like, "Hey buddy, we should go grab a pizza and some beer some time," how excited are you to say yes? Now compare that to some random guy who's started talking to you, and he feels like your long lost best friend, and the two of you are in the middle of laughing at some story he just told, and he says, "Hey pal, we ought to go grab a cheeseburger later this week." On that second one, you're probably going to say, "Sure man, let's do it!" Why? Because it was proposed on a high note. In the very first article I send to subscribers when you sign up for my free newsletter -- signup form at the end of this article -- I discuss the most important difference between men and women. And that difference is how acutely women listen to their emotions. Women don't decide things because they logically make sense; women decide things because they emotionally do. And even for men like us, who don't rely on feeling as much as women do, when someone asks you to spend more time with them when you're already enjoying spending time with them, in the very midst of that enjoyment, like in that second example above, you're certainly going to agree, almost always. And when they ask you to spend more time with them when it feels weird or awkward or random or challenging to keep spending time with them, like in that first example above, you're likely to decline, because you don't want to be feeling that again. The emotion is key. So what high notes do you look for? 1. She's laughing 2. She's telling you a lot about herself 3. She's staring at you like she wants to grab you and tear your clothes off Things like that. If she's smiling and talking with you and laughing, that's a pretty good indication she's enjoying herself with you -- and that she'd be open to spending more time with you and enjoying more interaction and conversation with you. Ask her out.

Still not ready to start asking women out like crazy? Well, I've got a few more insights on how to ask a girl out to help you step up your game there -- so you're in luck.

Pick a Simple Date Idea ... and avoid complication at all costs. No ice-skating, hot air balloon rides, paintball death matches, or trips to Paris. It's a date... it's for you to get to know a girl and for her to get to know you. The problem with the really complicated, fantastic date ideas is that they become both logistical nightmares, and often can even be intimidating for a girl to say "yes" to. To get a handle on what I'm talking about, picture a girl who really likes a guy, and wants to go on a date where the two of them sit and talk and get to know one another, but then he asks her to go play laser tag. "I'm not really the laser tag type..." she says, hoping he'll just ask her to go somewhere chill instead. "Oh," he says, feeling rejected, "all right." And then he walks away. No date. What just happened? Overactive dates that try to be too "fun" can oftentimes end up being too much for girls and they'll say "no"... even when they like you. I'll give you the reverse scenario: I've had girls I liked and wanted to get to know better, but they asked me to go to parties with them or go on some crazy adventure like going rockclimbing or something of that nature, and I've turned them down. Why? Because I didn't really want to do those things, and I figured nothing would happen. Nothing's going to happen at a party date where you're surrounded by a ton of her friends. You won't get to know her much better there, and you can't get together with her in front of 30 people.

And nothing's going to happen with the two of you rappelling down a cliff face. You'll be too tired afterward for anything to happen then, either. And besides, maybe she just doesn't have the energy or the inclination to go do wild parties or hike a couple of miles. Those are great things to do with friends, and activity partners, but they're not so great things to do with someone you're really attracted to and want to be with. And women will sometimes even flat out refuse these things because they don't want the guy to inadvertently kill the attraction they have for him by accidentally plopping himself into the platonic guy pal zone. Bad news you may not be aware of: many of the girls who say "no" to fun dates would rather just get to know you than do off-the-wall activities, and many of the girls who say "yes" to fun dates really just want to have fun -- and could care less who they're going with. They're there for the date, not for you, and you odds of doing anything other than having a nice friendly outing are pretty low. This isn't always true, but it is a lot more often than you might think. But guys often take women's refusal to go on these sorts of high-energy crazy "fun" dates as a universal refusal, when it might just be the activity a girl was rejecting -- not them. To get around this, stay away from inviting girls on crazy wild fun dates, and just invite them on relaxed ones where you can talk. A few ideas: • • • • •

Take her on a picnic Take her to the beach Meet her at a café close to your home Meet her at a chill lounge or quiet bar nearby for a drink Have her come over to your place to cook or watch a movie

Pick a date template -- something simple -- stick to it, and you should be fine. It's only when guys try to be crazy and overly clever that it blows up in their faces. All you really need is something laid back where the two of you can talk and get to know each other and build connections... keep it straightforward and she'll probably say "yes."

Let a Girl Tell You When Works Best for Her One really common mistake I see guys making is trying to shoehorn women into their schedule with no consideration for the girl's own schedule. So like, the guys who are over-focused on being an alpha male will do things like tell a woman: Let's do Thursday at 8 o'clock. ... only to have that woman come back and tell them Oh, sorry, I'm busy on Thursday. Which builds up a lot of negative compliance. Oops. What I started doing a while back and works great is the innovative (get ready for it) process of... just plain asking a girl when works best for her. See, I'm no groundbreaker here... just doing simple stuff that gets it done.

So, instead of tossing out some time that who knows if she'll be free or not, or whether it's an inconvenient time for her or not and she'll likely flake, I let her pick the day, and her pick the time. It goes like this: Me: We should grab a drink or a bite some time this week. Her: Yeah, definitely! Me: When's good for you... what's your schedule look like? Her: Umm, let's see. I'm really packed most of the week... oh, but I could do, Friday night, or maybe Sunday afternoon? Me: Okay, great. Sunday afternoon would be perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock maybe? Her: 1 o'clock works fine. Me: Perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock then; meet me at my subway station maybe? And we'll grab some food? That sound good? Her: Okay, that's perfect! I'll see you on Sunday then! Me: Cool beans. See you Sunday, Christie. No rejection from her on date or time. No wondering what to do when girls flake -- because flakes largely disappear. You're seeing her on a date at a time that works fine for her -- that makes it easy for her to say yes, and easy for her to not miss it. It's the path of least resistance. Make it as easy for her to say "yes" in the moment and show up on the day of your date as you can without overextending yourself.

After Date and Time, You Handle Everything Else There was a time in my life when I used to ask girls, "So, what do you want to do? Do you want to see a movie, get some food, check out the shopping mall...?" That time passed, long ago. Reason being, most girls don't like having to make the decisions. They want to be able to just relax and let you be the leader. It takes work to make decisions, and frankly, most women

are the same as most people -- the more decisions you take care of for them, the happier they'll be, so long as the decisions you make are good enough that they don't have to disagree or fight them. So, after we've found a time that works for her schedule and I can fit into my schedule, I stop asking for her to figure things out. I just make proposals and ask her if those proposals work for her. Also, on the same note, you really don't want to let girls plan the date for logistical reasons, either. If she has an idea, it's usually better that you can't make it -- unless that idea is conducive to seduction. Just a few such terrible date ideas for the record: • • • • • • • •

Let's go hiking Let's go to a party Let's go to a nightclub Let's all hang out with my friends Let's go shopping Let's go to a movie Let's go to some kind of group activity Let's go to a networking event

These all fall under the category of "bad first date." Or bad second, third, or fourth date too, for that matter. Why do they make for bad dates? Because they violate those 5 Cs of Dating I mentioned in the article just linked to. For a refresher, those 5 Cs are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Cheap (nothing too expensive) Convenient (something easy) Conversation (to get to know her) Covert (not involving anyone other than the two of you) Control (you plan and handle everything)

A good first date is: • • • •

At a café where you can sit and talk At a park or the beach, preferably with some food Having an ice cream or a coffee At your place -- cooking dinner, having drinks, "hanging out," watching a movie, studying, etc.

How's that going to help you asking a girl out?

Simple. A big part of the reason why guys get nervous asking girls out is because they don't know exactly what they're doing. Well, if you choose one of those good first date ideas, you're going to know exactly what you're doing: you're taking her on a date she'll like, where the two of you can get to know each other, and that'll be conducive to the both of you potentially becoming lovers if things go well. If you're inexperienced, perhaps skip having her come over to your place unless you're really feeling it. The rest of those should feel totally safe though.

If She Says "No"... Don't Give Up! I remember when I used to get this surge of fear and adrenaline before asking a girl out. Like I was going to get stabbed in the hip or something if she didn't want to go out with me. The funny thing is, it's just a "no." The stock market doesn't explode, the polar ice caps don't melt, and nobody posts a video of you getting rejected online for the world to see (or at least, hopefully not). The worst possible thing that could happen is she says "no," and you go on with your life. But you shouldn't just take a "no" at face value. If she says "no," unless it's incredibly harsh and you just want to hightail it out of there (and that's very rare), play it off. Be a little dramatic. Put your hand over your heart, gasp, and look away. "Jennifer! You break my heart. All I want to do is be your knight in shining armor!" She'll laugh. You make your exit, perhaps with another quip. "I want you to reconsider this over the next couple of days, okay? Because some day you're going to be sitting there, thinking back to this day, and you're going to say to yourself, 'Damn it, when John asked me out, I should've said yes!'" And she'll probably laugh again. And if she does, you are in. Maybe not that time. But ask her out a week later, and she's probably going to say "yes." And if she doesn't, rinse and repeat. It might sound silly, but you being unfazed when she says "no" is one of the most crazy attractive things you can do around a woman. Persistence is attractive to women like few other things are. Don't believe it? Try it out. Then come back and let me know how it worked out. You may be quite surprised. Even guys women thought they'd never go out with get dates this way... I've heard plenty of stories of men who've done exactly this. And I've pulled off a few of these myself, too.

Persistence pays off. Don't take "no" so seriously.

Be Cool When She Says "Yes" Yes, it's awesome that she said she'll go out with you. That doesn't mean cartwheels and victory chants are in order in (well, not in earshot, anyway). A lot of less experienced guys, when a girl says "yes" to them, they either get really excited... or they get really weird and awkward. Needless to say, you don't want to go either of those routes, so be prepared for that and prime yourself to be normal after you ask her. How do you do that? You make a personal note -- internally, before you ever go talk to her -that no matter what she says, you're going to be cool. And after you ask her out and she gives you her answer, you're going to continue the conversation on as if nothing else had happened. Here's what you won't do: • •

Get really excited Get really nervous

• • • •

Start talking to her about the date Start telling her you're really glad she said yes Start trying to plan out logistics or timing or scheduling Do or discuss anything overly factual or logical

Here's what you will do: • •

Talk to her exactly the same as you were before Pick up on a topic you were on before you asked her out if you need one

Mind goes blank? Ask her what she's got planned for the rest of the day -- that's an easy one. Just make it smooth, natural, and make sure she doesn't have any cause for concern about her decision to say "yes!" If you stick with these tips and insights on how to ask a girl out, I'm confident you're going to start getting just about every girl you ask on a date agreeing to go out with you. At the very least, you'll be a very hard guy for a girl to say "I'd like to be friends first" to! Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Hey Chad, I do treat the two mediums a bit differently, yeah. Phone I use more conversation. Like, Her: [story, laughs] Me: [laughs] That's hilarious. Let's grab some food this week or something. Her: Yeah, that would be cool. Me: Rock on. What's your schedule like over the next few days? Text I'm more to the point: Me: Hey Kelly, how's your week going? Hope you kicked that test's ass back to Calculus I. We should grab a drink this week -- let me know what your schedule's like. Primarily because there's a big delay in texting, and you want to avoid that pregnant feeling in the air of, "Okay, I know he's going to ask, he's just building up to it..."

So you just get it out there right away and avoid any awkwardness. In phone, it happens fast, so you can progress things normally from a conversational standpoint and let it unfold a little more first and get buy-in before scheduling it up. Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Hi Anon, Yeah, I second Migz on "maybe"... it's a roundabout way for girls to say "no" when they're afraid they might hurt your feelings. They are, basically, trying to be nice, but for guys who haven't learned to read between the lines on what women are really saying yet, it can be confusing. I know I used to get really excited when I'd get a "maybe" from a girl... it took me a few of these to start realizing "maybe" meant "not gonna happen." On talking about the date -- right. Once she says yes, set out schedule and basic logistics -e.g., you'll meet Sunday at 1 PM at XYZ location -- and nothing beyond that. Don't start discussing where you'll go afterward, or your plan for the date, or ask her if she's ever been to this place or that place before. Just what time you're meeting, and where you're meeting, and nothing else about the date, to give you the smoothest sailing possible and avoid bogging her down with details and making the date feel like a chore she'll have to think hard about and have second thoughts over agreeing to. Make it easy for her to just schedule it in and show up, and she likely will. Cheers man, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Howdy Gerald, All right, so some good and some bad there. Bad: you're getting a late start in the dating world, haven't learned to read which women are interested, and you're in a location with limited options. Good: you're good-looking, women obviously like you, and you're still young (in my opinion, men are most desirable to the widest swath of women from somewhere between 27 and 45, depending on the guy. e.g., I have much better success at 28 with girls who are 20 years old than I did when I was, say, 23, and could only get older women).

Starting out, you should operate under the assumption that all women are interested in you. Particularly if you're a really good-looking guy, that shouldn't be too far from the truth ;) Even if it was, it's a good mindset to start with because it's going to get you meeting more women and building up more reference points than if you didn't. One thing you might consider if you're working remotely is relocating. Can you do your job from elsewhere? Possibly even consider asking your job if they'll support you relocating. Location helps a lot -- when you've got a continuous supply of new, attractive women, it makes it much easier to learn faster. So, you're starting at a handicap in skill, but you've got some assets -- looks, likability, relationship success, and age -- that are going to allow you to progress faster than some men will. Being accustomed to women chasing you will slow your initial progress -- it did for me... you get a bit of an entitlement mentality that makes it kind of shocking when you first start approaching girls and they aren't falling all over themselves to be with you -- but once you've got the basics down and can start putting the pieces together and figuring out how to make the women you're meeting pursue, things get quite interesting. First you've got to start off with just approaching and being the pursuer, though. The piecingeverything-together comes a bit later. Best thing for you to do now is just start meeting women. Online actually might be very good for you if you're a good looking guy -- it's 95% looks, but picture quality is important. Get some professional pictures done, and get them online. Don't expect the highest quality women though -- unless you're on a site where girls are looking for relationships. Just get started, try and practice some basic openers, and get meeting girls in the mall, in bars, on the street, and wherever you like best. Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Howdy Stronghold, Glad you're hooked, man ;) Sorry for the confusion -- I try to keep things as non-contradictory as possible on here, but I realize the difficulty in doing that when you're combining an approach of minimizing effort and maximizing having women invest with male-female mating rituals, which largely necessitate the man in the role of pursuer. I'll try and clear this up as best possible. You basically want to be cool and sexy and cause women to pursue... and then, strategically, make moves to progress things forward, but have them seem as effortless as possible and have them come across as an extension of the girl's actions as often as possible.

For instance, you might talk to a girl and chill and be sexy and get to know her, and she's getting more and more excited, and then finally she says she's tired, so you say, "Yeah, you're right, it's getting a bit late. Why don't we go grab a nightcap and we'll call it a night." Then you pull her home -- you suggested the move back to your place, but it seems a natural extension of what she herself was saying. You can't always execute this perfectly, and at times you do have to stand up and be the pursuer here or there. At least go for mutual and get buy-in, though -- e.g., you text a girl, "Hey, was great to meet you yesterday. We ought to grab some food this week -- when are you free and what's your schedule like?" There's also a lot of removing of decisions to be made from women there -- it makes it a lot easier for her to just say "I'm free here and here and here" and then you set it all up and make it happen, than the guy who says, "Would you like to go out with me?" With the office girl, there could've been initial attraction there, but things fade fast soon after a girl joins a circle much of the time -- especially when she has options, which it sounds like this girl does. It's totally normal -- see these posts (if you haven't already): • •

Attraction Has an Expiration Date Escalation Windows

It sounds like the window's closed with her and attraction's dried up. A shame when it happens, but it happens a lot, to a lot of guys. For one more perspective on this, see: •

The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends

That one's about social circle, but applies just as much to the office as to school or your circle. Hopefully these help, brother. You'll probably have to strike out in search of new prospects -oh, and you'll also want to cut out the "hinting" at making things happen (e.g., joking around about joining her for a movie). Hinting unnerves women a bit -- instead, be commanding, powerful, yet still chill, and direct (e.g., "Here, invite me up, I need to get a glass of water").

Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 27 November 2012

We've had a few questions on here lately about the difference between chasing women vs. persisting with women. A few weeks back William B. raised the point when I asked for ideas on what the new forum's bonus book should be on:

“I'd like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.” And more recently, a commenter on the article on how to find the woman you want asked:

“I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?” I've seen a few other people ask about it on other articles as well. What's the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren't they one and the same?

Actually, the two are VERY different - and women are right for desiring persistent men to a point... and fleeing from men who chase after that point. Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and persistence.

First off, I want to say this: I don't think there's any guy out there in the world who likes chasing women. And by "chasing women," I don't mean that in the vaguely sarcastic tone of your buddy who's really good at picking up girls. When he says, "Let's go chase some women," what he really means is, "Let's go make some women helplessly attracted to us then go take them home." When I say "chasing women," what I'm referring to is the guy who's pursuing a woman who isn't his, is acting cold or distant or aloof to him, and is not giving him nearly what he wants from her... a man who isn't in control. What I'm talking about with chasing is when a man desperately wants a woman who doesn't want him. If you've ever chased a woman before - and most guys have, no need to feel too ashamed about it - you can probably think back on the emotions you felt about it and realize that it didn't feel all that great. Nowhere did you get emotions like, "Wow, this is wonderful!" Instead, all you feel while chasing are feelings of: • • • • • • •

Confusion Uncertainty Panic Fear Loss Need Desperation

These are a deep, dark hole of bad emotions that drive you into feeling worse about yourself, and doing things very wrong with a girl from the point of being attractive. Chasing is very unattractive to women. It's off-putting. But if it's so horribly ineffective a behavior, why do men do it?

The Psychology of Chasing From what I've seen, the vast, vast majority of women who are chased by men are single women... women unattached from a committed marriage or relationship partner. I haven't seen many married women with a man chasing desperately after them, but I have seen many single women with chasers in hot pursuit. Why might this be? My theory is, the same "philosophy of women" that inspires a man to chase after an unattached woman also dissuades him from interest in an attached one. The theory goes like this: "Once I have a woman, she will be MINE FOREVER!" The corollary to that, of course, is: "Once a woman is with a man, she will NEVER LEAVE HIM." I don't think all men who chase women regularly and desperately think this way, but for a guy who's a habitual chaser or chases women over a long period of time, from what I've seen it's usually the mindset. A woman is something to be acquired, and once she is acquired, the acquisition is permanent. So, if a woman is attached, to the chaser, she is off the market and unattainable; if she's unattached, however, then it's a mad-grab free-for-all to acquire her, and whoever ends up with her at the end gets to keep her. If you're mildly unnerved by all this talk of "acquiring" and "keeping," you should be; it's an incorrect view of women, but its one that men who chase seem normally to possess in spades. Here's the really scary part for women - according to the paper "Courtship Behaviors, Relationship Violence, and Breakup Persistence in College Men and Women" by Stacey L. Williams and Irene Hanson Frieze, chasing is linked to violence... have a look:

“This study assessed college men's (n= 85) and women's (n= 215) courtship

persistence behaviors (approach, surveillance, intimidation, mild aggression), which have been linked to stalking, and examined their relations to initial courtship interest, relationship development, and future violence and persistence, while also exploring the role of gender in these relations. Findings showed individuals performed surveillance when initially more interested than the other. Whereas approach behaviors were positively associated with relationship establishment, surveillance and intimidation were negatively associated. As predicted, results showed continuity in persistence and violence over the course of dating relationships. For both genders, courtship mild aggression predicted relationship violence, and persistence behaviors predicted similar persistence at breakup. Early behaviors may foreshadow violence and stalking-related behaviors in both men and women.”

Here, the study breaks "persistence" down into multiple subcategories: • • • •

Approach Surveillance Intimidation Mild Aggression

In the study, the researchers define each subcategory as follows: • •

• •

Approach: sending notes, doing unrequested favors, attempting to communicate, asking the person out as a friend and asking the person out as a date. Surveillance: waiting where the person would be, going by the residence, showing up at events where the person would be, doing an activity to be closer to the person, asking friends about the person, and asking friends to talk to the person. Intimidation: following the person, taking the person’s belongings, trying to manipulate the person into dating you, and spying on the person. Mild aggression: trying to scare the person, making threats, threatening to hurt emotionally, threatening to damage belongings, threatening to hurt someone else, threatening to hurt oneself, verbally abusing the person, physically harming slightly, and physically harming more than slightly.

As an interesting aside, the researchers further noted, on differences between male and female courtship behaviors, that

“[M]ales perform more approach, or regular courtship behaviors, whereas females are more likely to perform acts of surveillance, that is, attempts to make indirect contact with the love interest by way of (seeming) serendipity.”

Obviously, intimidation and mild aggression are pretty bad. Surveillance isn't terribly good either, as you're "pretending" it's fate while hiding true desires; women are more guilty of this

one than men are, and according to the research there's less a chance that it leads to a relationship than a healthy interaction where the behavior isn't needed or used. So what's all this have to do with chasing women vs. persisting with women? Simple - this quote from the study:

“During the earliest stages of courtship, a one-sided initial interest (i.e., a scenario in which one potential partner is more interested than the other) may reflect this unrequited love scenario and result in intensified initial courtship behaviors. Behaviors used to attract the potential partner may include stalking-related behaviors.”

What Williams and Frieze are saying here is this: intensified initial courtship behaviors (chasing) are the result of unrequited love. The difference between chasing and persistence is that chasing is one-sided interest and highly emotional, while persistence is largely mutual, and it's largely unemotional.

What's the difference between a man who stands there at the end of a date or the end of the night, persisting in his insistence that a woman accompany him home, as we discussed in "Don't Let Her Go," and a man who continues to chase women long after it's clear they simply aren't interested? Volumes. The man who persists at the end of the night doesn't persist because he's deeply, ravishingly in love with a girl; he persists because he's trained himself to do it. Most men replete with unrequited love will not insist a girl do ANYTHING; they simply bug her and beg her and bother her in the hopes that somehow that will change her mind. And that's the biggest difference between a persistent man and a man chasing women: the persistent man persists when it COUNTS.

The chasing man persists everywhere ELSE.

Imagine you meet a girl. She's pretty, flirty, fun. You're really tired the night you meet her; you had a long day; and you really aren't feeling that great. You guys hit it off, but eventually you can hardly keep your eyes open, and you decide that, despite this cute girl in front of you, the only thing you want to do now is go home and hit the hay. Now let's say it can go in one of two possible directions: 1. You tell her you're leaving, and she says, "No, stay. We're having a great time right now; I know you're tired but you can sleep later. Let's keep spending time together right now." 2. You tell her you're leaving, and she says, "Okay." The two of you trade phone numbers. After you leave, you get a text message from her right away saying how much she liked meeting you and she hopes she'll see you soon. The next morning you have a text from her, saying, "Hey, how's it going?" Later she tries calling you to ask you out, but you're busy. Then you see she added you on Facebook. Suddenly, she's calling you, texting you, Facebook stalking you, and all the rest. Which of these girls is more attractive to you? That example makes it night and day, doesn't it... who wants to be on the receiving end of #2 (if you're currently frustrated with women / feeling a little desperate, you don't count! People only get into chase dynamics with individuals they can't get, rather than those eager to be with them)? There are other directions that scenario above could've gone too, of course (e.g., you leave and she never gets in touch; you leave and the two of you run into each other again later somewhere else; etc.), but for our purposes I wanted to contrast persistence with chasing for you there.

Chasing is what's known as unrequited love, although it's really a form of infatuation. Chasing is NOT love, though many in pursuit of their object of desire will call it that and think it that. But as we talked about in the article on when you can't stop thinking about her, this isn't real love, and often you don't even really know HER at ALL... it's simply obsession with some idealized, fantastical version of her cooked up in your head. Women know this. They know it isn't them a chasing man wants... it's a fantasy woman that he's imagined is them. Sometimes it's initially cute; "Oh how cute, he's really got a thing for me, hasn't he?" Then it's annoying, once the cuteness wears off. And if it continues on long enough, and becomes intense enough, it can even become bothersome or scary. Most men chasing after women never reach the point of things becoming so extreme that it's an inconvenience to a woman's life or that she actually becomes afraid. But a LOT of men chase women enough to start annoying them. Is there a chance you've done this before?

Board Another Plane Chasing is not attractive... we've established that. You need to quit doing it. Especially for emotional men, this isn't always easy. Readers regularly post comments on this site about how they know they should stop chasing after some girl, but they just can't help themselves. Chasing is addictive. Where chasing comes from, in my opinion, is realizing that you might've had a shot, but didn't take it. Almost every man I've seen chasing women was chasing women that he'd say, "I could've had her... I SHOULD'VE had her! But I let her get away!" This inability to let go, coupled with a feeling that she is there, within reach, seems to push men over the edge and turn them into pursuers. There is a desire to get her, keep her, and snap her up before she gets snapped up "for good." Of course, this ignores the fact that attraction has an expiration date; it ignores the principle of escalation windows, that once a window has closed, it's more or less closed for good. Chasing after women fails to get the chaser women, then, because it is too little, too late. It's like trying to convince the check-in clerk to get the flight team to turn the airplane you were too late to board around and pick you back up after the plane's already off the tarmac and up in the air. You might be the most convincing man in the world, but it's probably not going to happen; and besides, there's someone else in your seat anyway.

So what do you do? You board another plane.

At this point, you've got a handle on what chasing is and why it's bad. Chasing usually happens when: • • • • •

A girl likes you, to some extent, or seems to You fail to make a move or miss an obvious sign You beat yourself up for it later, and resolve to get her You start trying to get her any way you can - calling, texting, etc. You refuse to give up on this girl, convinced you'll win her heart, despite the fact that she is not reciprocating

So what do you do instead? Here's what persistence - proper persistence, not pursuing uninterested women - is all about: 1. Acting now and not later. The thing that gets most men into trouble (chasing women) in the first place is a lack of proper persistence the first time around. Whether because the man is slow to realize he likes a girl, or hesitant about taking action and leading women, or simply doesn't know how to recognize how girls show interest, one way or another, he doesn't move fast and he doesn't make things happen when he has the chance to. Persistence is all about acting now. What the persistent man knows that other men don't is that when he gets a chance with a girl, it's probably going to be his ONLY chance with that girl. Opportunity knocks once, but if you don't welcome it in on its first visit, it goes and finds someone else a little more welcoming and stops coming by. Tomorrow never comes; if you have a chance to be with a girl now, then... be with her. 2. Establishing leadership and staying on-target. Men who chase are lost; they flail about, unsure of what they're doing, hoping that if they can just talk to women enough or be around them enough or send them enough text messages or emails that

those women are going to decide they're the men of their dreams and leap into their arms. Except... it doesn't work like that. You're the man, you must lead. That means that if you don't know where you're going... then you're not going anywhere. You need to be moving girls; you need to be progressing toward an end point; and you need to be focused on how you'll close an interaction (e.g., getting a phone number or taking a girl to bed), then doing it and keeping follow-up contact to a minimum until you're ready for the next step (e.g., the next time you'll see her). 3. Being willing to walk away and meet someone else. Contrary to what most chasing men think, women are not a scarce resource. They are abundant; they're everywhere! A man needs to be prepared to walk away from a woman who will not come with him; who won't give him her phone number, who won't go on a date with him, who won't accompany him home, who won't become her lover. You cannot get every woman you want; in fact, you'll walk away from quite a few. And that's fine... so long as you continue to meet new girls, because as you meet new women, you'll learn and refine your process, and get better at persisting right away with women who are interested in you or on the fence, and dropping girls and moving on who aren't. Those three are all huge differences between the man who chases and the man who persists, but the last one is arguably the biggest: men who persist properly are willing and free to move on at a moment's notice; men who chase are not. There's one more thing that persistent men know that chasing men don't, though.

Why Chasing Women is Silly (and Wastes Your Time) What persistent men, and men more talented with women, know is this: If she wants to be with you, it won't be that hard!

It doesn't take weeks or months or years of pursuing a girl to get her. I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard a man tell me he chased a girl for a long time and finally got her, and I've heard thousands of men's stories about the women they got together with. The long sought romance that finally became real: it doesn't happen. If a girl likes you, if she has any desire to be with you, it's not going to take a month or more to happen, unless YOU are really slow. And if you are really slow, she'll almost certainly have lost interest by the time you get around to doing what you should've done much earlier on, and she'll be lost (never to return). Chasing women isn't just annoying for the girl, and futile for you. It wastes your precious time, in addition to everything else. You only have a short amount of time on this rock to do the things you want to do. If you spend months or years of your life pursuing some other human being who has no interest in you, you might as well have spent that time sitting in a prison cell, or in a coma. It's time wasted, flushed down the drain, tossed away like yesterday's newspaper. It's gone, and you got nothing back for it. She was out partying with some guy she likes, didn't notice or care that you texted her, and you were sitting at home waiting to hear back, imagining a life together with her. But you could be out meeting women who like you... women who want you... women it isn't too late with yet, where you can move faster, take action, and make something real with. It isn't hard to get together with girls. And if you realize you've put a lot of time into a girl... you've chased after her... you've worked hard to get her... and you're still nowhere with her (e.g., you're not lovers, not romantic partners, you're still "working on" her), it's time to cut the chord.

Back when I was inexperienced in the ways of women and dating, I overheard a conversation between two men about a girl one of the men had met. "This other guy's been working on her for a couple of weeks, so I'm not sure if I should go for her since he's already got a head start," the first man said. The second man laughed. "A couple of weeks? Go for her. If that other guy was EVER going to get her, he'd already HAVE her." When I heard this, even back then, I knew he was right. All the guys I'd seen "working on" girls... all the girls I'd spent time "working on"... it never worked out. The girls you got were the ones it happened relatively quickly with... and if it didn't happen within a few weeks max, it didn't happen. So don't waste time, and don't make things harder than they need to be. Life's too short to spend your ticking clock on people who don't want to be with you. Spend it on the ones who do - and on finding them, if there aren't any around at the moment. And, move fast and take action - you've got better things to do than chase around some girl who's busy living her life while you dream idle dreams of her. Persist - but don't chase. Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey George, On 1, it's chasing if you keep investing in the pursuit without making anything happen. If you disappear and go cold for a while, then come back strong, it may not be chasing, but once she knows you like her, you've got a limited escalation window to make something happen, and then it's gone. On 2, she sounds like she REALLY likes you and is heavily invested in you, and is angry that you're not sleeping with her yet. Essentially, she's straddling auto-rejection. When you start getting, "Look how much I've done for you!" it means she feels like she's not getting the romance / sex / relationship from you she wants. Next time she gets angry, if you want to try something really ballsy, try just staring at her for 4 or 5 seconds, letting the tension build with you not saying anything and her not saying anything, and then just grab her and kiss her. It might make her even MORE pissed off, or it might lead to some really wild passion... hard to say until you do it. One note though - you've already set pretty bad precedent here by demanding a lot (tons of compliance) without rewarding (sex), which means if you end up in any kind of relationship with this girl, it's going to be flawed from the outset... so I recommend against that. Even sleeping with her... if she's this invested in you at this point, she's going to expect a LOT. You

won't be starting off casual with her, unless you're prepared to weather some large scale drama. She feels like you're hers already, and she earned you, and you aren't putting out / holding up your end of the bargain. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hi George, Based on what you told me before, I assumed she was interested: Seducing the Boss But from what you're saying here, with how long it's dragged out and what's been said, it sounds like she just enjoys flirting with you and is getting a kick out of it. The "If we're going to sleep together, we might as well date; but we can't date, because I'm your boss!" line. If you've tried everything you can think of and it hasn't worked, it's time to write her off as a flirt and not an actual girl who's interested in you and start meeting new women. She's probably somewhat interested in you, but she's firmly in control. Nothing's going to change until you start dating other women and she realizes she's got some competition and her flirtation no longer has you under its spell. Cheers, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

George, You're getting it man - if this comment's any indication, you're almost there. The "spell" thing is really a battle of wills right now. She's trying to get you wrapped up, you're trying to get her wrapped up. I call it a "spell" because you're clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her and a lot of time working on her. It may well be she's under your spell as well. But it's not a healthy dynamic for either of you, because you're just frustrating one another.

Telling her you're going to knock off the games and telling her to step up or step out is exactly the right call. It's the only way you get free of the B.S. and the back and forth - communicating to her, "Look, we can hang out, or we can not hang out, but if we're not going to hang out I don't want to keep spending time on this, it's purposeless," (maybe not in those words, but to that effect) is what you need to do. Call her on her bluff - she's either going to get together with you, or you're going to find out it's only fun and games for her, and you'll turn your attentions elsewhere. And she won't KNOW you have other women (unless she sees it, or you tell her), but she'll pick up on the behavioral differences between George who's only spending time with her, and George who's sleeping with a couple of new hotties he's just met and for whom this girl is becoming increasingly old news. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hi Flames, Quick tip on the excessive push / pull things: that's typically because you're being a tad too competitive with women, and they're responding in kind. Better way: if she starts acting competitive, don't compete. Just act bored: "Yeah, well..." look off to the side. Make her understand she's losing you by acting that way. If it's happening late in a seduction, it's moving backwards, which you need to discourage. Knowing a girl likes you: I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I think girls are just checking you out / looking you up and down and you pick up on it subconsciously. The brain is amazingly sensitive to eye contact, even from a distance; you can stare into someone's eyes from across a huge, crowded room and they will immediately notice and lock eyes with you. I've had plenty of times I've stared at the back of people's heads and had them snap around and stare back (don't ask me how THAT one works). So most likely she's checking you out, tilting her body in your direction, playing with her hair, and your brain picks up on it and says, "That girl there. That girl likes you." The girl you work with, sounds like she's trying to get you chasing her. She likes you, probably isn't 100% sure what she wants with you yet, but figures she'll give you proximity and see if you'll do anything with it. It'll stop after a while if you never do anything, and then she'll get cold and a little short with you, or just shift to neutral, depending on how much she likes you and how bad she's hoping you'll take action. Best, Chase

Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Sam, Sounds like a missed window here. In the post on breaking the ice / reducing tension (this one: " How to Break the Ice: 5 Surefire Ways to Entice Her," I talked some about the effect kissing on the mouth has on a woman's sex desire: essentially, it douses the flames of passion, unless executed perfectly and she's left wanting (much) more. I wouldn't worry too much about how she's dressed. If you haven't seen the post on how to tell if a girl is horny, check that one out; a big part of it is, if a girl wants sex with a guy, much of the time she won't put in any extra effort. There was a female commenter I quoted on there who noted that she wasn't going to bother putting in extra time to get all dressed up for some guy she was just going to sleep with. Essentially, if you're not going to sleep with her immediately after, in the same place you kissing her, don't kiss her. Wait until you get her alone - your odds go up dramatically that way (both of getting her back to your place, and of actually getting together with her when you do). Cheers, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Roscoe, That's a tough call. You can sometimes try and pretend the fumble never happened and keep moving on with her per usual, but much of the time your "cover is blown" and she now sees you as a nice guy / friend zone candidate / boyfriend candidate who was only imitating a sexy lover type. If you take time off and reconnect though, that only gives her time to have that impression gel in her mind. The only way to do a full reset is for her to see you doing well with other women and restore your male sexuality in her eyes. There's no really great option here, but for my money the best bet is usually soldiering on and pushing for her to meet up and just moving it forward as solidly and continuously as you can. Sometimes you'll get her out and she'll keep moving forward with you despite the earlier fumbles. Much of the time she'll be resistant though, as the terms of the engagement have been

reset (before, it might've been that you were skeptical and she was competing for your interest; now it's that she is skeptical, and you're competing for hers). My take would be go for it now, make no more mistakes, but realize that you've rolled downhill and now you're fighting uphill on this one. Try it, learn from it, and do things better with the next girl. Best, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Sam, What's you're basically saying you want is a woman who takes it slow with you and views you as, essentially, a husband candidate. That's when girls will dress up, refuse to take things fast, and let it unfold over time. The great news, I suppose, is that almost every woman is open to this: you've simply got to date women the way a regular guy does - e.g., wine and dine her, take her out to fancy dinners, make it an occasion. Women will treat you how they think you are for them. You meet a girl and she's dressed up great, and then you plan a move-fast date at the local dive bar, she won't dress like a million bucks for that, but she may well end up in bed with you. You meet a girl and she's dressed up great, and then you plan a take-it-slow date at Chez Ritz, the local 5-star Italian restaurant, and she'll show up in heel-to-toe glamour. Zero chance of her coming home with you, but her expectations will be that you're courting her as a potential wife, and she will put on the display you're looking for. She's not going to go to bed with you any time soon, but she will give you time to let things unfold because you're competing for the husband role, and this is a lot more serious to her than a quick fling, where it is, essentially, "now-or-never." It's all in the expectations you set and the environment you create for her. If you want her to dress up and slow game it, you have to set the proper expectations for that first (husband, not fast moving, etc.). Cheers, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Garrett, Any time you almost sleep with a girl... then don't... it's usually done. Best call to make when that happens is have zero contact with her until it's time to set up another meet, and if she won't come out walk away. You've made yourself pretty valuable to her life in the meantime as a friend and texting partner. Coupled with the fact that the escalation failed, you're probably friend zoned. Still, meet up with her, try and take her to bed, and see what happens. If it doesn't work this time I'd suggest you walk away before you get caught up investing more time in the girl, though, and just make sure you close things out with the next girl. I haven't had many failed escalations in some time, but when I do, I never contact the girl again after anymore. Failed mating typically results in an automatic write-off from the girl, and it's best (for your own sake) if you start viewing it that way, too (otherwise you can waste a LOT of time on girls who've written you off as a mate but still want you as a friend / supporter because you feel like you were oh-so-close). Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Nem, This one's a pretty tough call because in my experience the normal slow-dating process doesn't work 95% of the time, but she's a girl at work and you've already got strong emotions for her, which means you probably won't be able to fast-game it and she may have a lot of reservations if you try, anyway. Sure, try and get some leadership and momentum going moving it from one venue to another, that's a good start. You seem like you're on a more traditional dating trajectory here, and this one's Date #2. Museum => Dinner + Drinks seems solid, and then you can do cooking her dinner at your place for Date #3. Or, if you want to be extra certain, one more dinner outside for Date #3, in a more casual place, and really get a sexual vibe going, but you end the night first and leave her wanting it bad. Then on Date #4 have her over for dinner, and take her as your lover.

osted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey M, Girls can chase guys for weeks or months, absolutely, although it's pretty rare that it goes longer than that, just since your average girl has a LOT more options than your average guy (to eventually distract her / take over her attentions), and because women are waiting for men to take action usually, they're a lot more prone to auto-rejection (whereas the guy keeps thinking, "I've just got to wait for the RIGHT MOMENT!" pretty much forever). So yeah, you can get her to chase for a while... but sooner or later, she'll get angry and give up on you, or some other guy will come along and sweep her off her feet. Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey Vaughn, Ultimately it's about how invested she feels she is vs. how invested she feels you are. So if she's already done a lot, it's fine. If she drives and you pick up the tab and nothing else happens, it feels like the two of you are on equal footing, which means friends, normally (women want a man they view as stronger than them / an authority figure, etc.). However, if she drives, does a lot of other things for you, and THEN you pick up the tab, it can be okay. Just remember that it's not about any actual concrete thing (e.g., NEVER pay money, or anything silly like that), but rather about the overall feel of the interaction. Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hey DM, Try this one on for size: just start escalating with her on the sofa. At some point she'll either be so into it you can just pick her up and carry her to the bed (and toss her on it - tons of fun!), or you can just sleep with her on the couch. If you have roommates and they're there / you're worried about them coming home, either give them a heads up, or take the girl straight to your room to look at something on your computer / watch a movie on your computer, etc. If she asks why not the living room, just tell her your

roommie's coming back soon and he always watches The Shield or some other show that no woman on Earth wants to watch when he gets home. Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Howdy Joe, Great to see you working on moving fast and getting fast escalation down. You probably could've had this girl, but for the making out. See the notes on kissing in the post on how to break the ice. Essentially, kissing acts as a sexual tension release - once you've kissed her in public, the odds she goes home with you / sleeps with you go down dramatically. It's also somewhat of a commencement of mating, and can count as a "failed mating attempt" unless she perceives YOU as the one having broken it off. If SHE broke it off, she'll backwards rationalize it as not being very interested in you (it's an emotional thing). Once mating's failed, you quickly get written off as "not a guy I want to sleep with," and women will move it quickly to being just friends. So, I'd be very surprised if past boyfriends are the reason why she doesn't want to date YOU. Remember that if she's dating guys who treated her like crap, they're probably also guys who don't care much about women, and probably picked her up fast by default. That's what she's used to, that's what she likes, and any guy who isn't a fast-moving asshole who treats her like crap gets written off as weak / friends material. Best bet here if you really want her is to just tell her something like, "I like you, but I'm not really interested in being friends with you. Let's talk if you want to hang out sometime, though," which sounds asshole-ish, but a girl who dates bad guys isn't looking for a nice guy to save her... she's looking for another bad guy. I've pulled this same move on girls with similar relationship histories, and they eat it up. They whine and complain, you cut them off for a month or so, and when they come back to you suddenly they're desperate to be with you. So, you say that, then, do cut her off, until you have another chance to move fast with her again sometime - but that time, don't kiss her, just get her alone and make things happen. Fair warning, you probably won't want to date her though. Women who make great relationship partners tend to date MEN who make great relationship partners, whereas troubled people attract troubled partners. She'll be a handful in a relationship, and not in a good way. Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 29 November 2012

Hey Tony, Yeah, that's kind of an unusual one - inviting you to join her family for Thanksgiving? Could be she really liked you, or could be he parents were pressing her about having a boyfriend and she needed a stand-in to get them off her back. Hard to say. It sounds to me like she showed up first to butter you up ("Oh, what a nice unexpected surprise visit!") then to ask you to help her out, without calling it that ("Come to Thanksgiving and get my parents off my back!"). If she's unresponsive / excuse-making about texts, that means she's already got a full life and things going on that are more important to her than you - could be she's doing casual relationships with guys, dating a guy her parents wouldn't like, dating a girl, etc. Or, could've just been she wanted you as a boyfriend and moved things quickly to position you as that. But, once a girl's family approves strongly of you, it can actually be a big dampener on attraction if you haven't solidified a strong sexual connection first, so that's also a possibility. Your best bet is probably to fall off the map for a while. If she genuinely liked you, her family will bug her about you and it'll make her want to get back in touch. If she didn't, then you can just move on and find women who aren't a hassle replying to you. Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 2 December 2012

Howdy Anon, Absolutely. You can definitely still win with women over the long term, with enough persistence and wearing them down, but it DOES have to be completely non-needy. I've heard a few stories from women who've ended up with men this way so I know it exists (haven't met guys personally who've used this approach successfully). The reason I don't talk about it here is it takes a guy who's both 1) non-needy with the girls he's persisting with and 2) interested enough / naturally flirtatious enough to continue persisting with women without getting attached to them or chasing them over the long haul, and that's a pretty tough mix for guys who are learning to come by. However, once a guy reaches that point where he is truly not needy or attached to the women he's pursuing and he isn't going to lay there awake at night trying to figure out how to get her, then he's fine to flirt with her whenever he sees her... and eventually land her. Comes down to the old adage about mastering something: you get good enough, eventually most of the rules stop applying to you.

Get Her Comfortable Alone With You

by Chase Amante Sunday, 24 October 2010

Every time I hear of other men’s efforts to get intimate with women they’ve brought home, they seem to have these elaborate places filled with all forms of entertainment and ways of engaging women and things to occupy them and give them something to do. Guys bring girls home and get them playing Nintendo Wii together. Or they play some game like Jenga (I remember when this was a big craze on the West Coast a year back or so – any guy who wanted to be successful with women had to get a Jenga!). And then, presumably after beating their date at a few rounds of Wii Sports, they make their move and go to get intimate. To me, this has always seemed like a lot of work. Early on, I had travel souvenirs that I would show to girls; but even then, I’d dive right into getting physical with them as quickly as possible. I noticed soon into my seduction career that the longer I took to get physical with women, the more awkward tension there was with them and the less sexual tension there was with them. The more time taken, the more awkwardness generated. I had some sexy board games I’d purchased after seeing them at a friend’s place and thinking they were a nice complement for his room. But, I never ended up playing them with girls. Occasionally a girl would notice them and asked about them, but ironically I’d never end up getting together with the women who did.

What I ultimately found was that games, movies, all these other things men use to progress with women really are just distractions. A few of them – music, TV / movies – if they’re playing in the background can be helpful. They give a woman something to focus her logical mind on while she seeks to disengage it from steering her emotions. But even these, if they’re too engaging – if the music is too exciting, or the movie too interesting – can be overly distracting. The problem with distractions is that they distract. When you have a girl at your place, yes, playing Jenga may very well get her laughing and comfortable. If you don’t know how to do that with conversation, it’s helpful. Laughing and comfortable, however, is quite a bit different from sexual. Check out Why “Fun” is a Seduction Killer; just like in making dates too fun, guys who make their place a “fun zone” run the very real risk of taking their women’s focus off of getting close with them, and onto just having fun playing games and watching entertaining movies and relaxing. In my opinion, it’s worth taking the risk of a slightly lower closing percentage earlier in your seduction career by forgoing fun in order to force yourself to develop the ability to put women at ease on your own and develop a sexual vibe on your own sans props. It may take you a few girls at your place to figure out how to make them comfortable, but once you have it down, you’ll get intimate with women far more easily and far more consistently than the men who rely upon props to distract and entertain. You yourself are the only prop you need.

Making Women Comfortable Getting girls comfortable in your place is important. There’s one thing that’s even more important, though, and that’s getting yourself comfortable in your place, with girls around. This is where most men lose the women they bring home, if you ask me. Imagine this: a guy brings a girl home, back to his apartment. He likes her, she likes him – otherwise, why would she be there in his place? So, they’re there, but the guy isn’t comfortable. He’s nervous, a little jittery, and obviously closed off. Have you ever been oneon-one in a room with someone who was acting a little nervous, a little jittery, and a little closed off? How’d that make you feel? Pretty nervous yourself, right? Now imagine that someone is bigger and stronger than you, and you know why a lot of women have trouble feeling at ease in many men’s places. Now imagine a guy brings a girl home, but this guy is calm, comfortable, and charming. Even if our girl is the nervous type, she’s going to be much more at ease with this guy than with the guy who was himself quite nervous. And if she’s less nervous, she’s less closed off, and more open to physical affection, escalation, and intimacy. Your level of comfort alone with a woman at home has a big impact on her level of comfort. There’s not a lot I can say about getting comfortable being alone with girls in your place or theirs other than the more often you put yourself in this situation, the more quickly it’ll come

to be familiar and routine, and the less and less nervous you’ll be in it. Having a set process and steps to follow helps a great deal too – know what you’re there to do (e.g., a big rule for me these days is that in most circumstances I will aim to kiss a girl within five to ten minutes of bringing her back to my place – knowing you’ll do something like that goes a long way toward eliminating uncertainty and thus anxiety). Conversation is crucial too. The most crucial aspect of it? Not doing too much of it. What do most people do when they’re uncomfortable? They blab on and on, thinking that if they talk enough, it will dissipate the discomfort. But that’s no good – it actually makes things worse. Want to make women feel more comfortable? Limit conversation only to the most important things you need to talk about. Maybe use a shred of wit here, a little rapport there. But mostly, keep the conversation to a minimum. Conversation and seduction occur at different levels – different kinds of energy and vibe. You want to make sure you’re on the one most necessary for what you want to accomplish, and that’s achieving intimacy. One other important thing about making women comfortable being alone with you is avoiding pursuing them. This is a big one. If a guy brings a girl back to her place and then starts pursuing her, trying to get her to do something with him, it puts a great deal of pressure on her in a situation where she doesn’t have an easy exit, and it can make her quite uncomfortable. Instead, you want to be suave and chill. Rather than pursue, you’ll lean back, give your girl killer eye contact, and draw her into you. Do things like physically yanking her into you, up against your body; grabbing her and tossing her on the sofa or the bed (which is actually physically pushing her away, in a very powerful way); and taking her head in your hand and guiding her into a kiss with you – using manhandle kisses where necessary. Don’t chase after her. Rather, draw her into your world. Doing so will make her eminently more comfortable than the Nintendo Wii and Jenga guys who try to switch from fun mode to sexy mode. Start off sexy from the start, and you’ll find things progress a lot more smoothly.

How to Use Sexual Qualification to Prime Women for Sex

by Alek Rolstad Saturday, 14 June 2014 As promised, I will now share a practical technique built on the theory of “sexual prizing”.

Before I begin however, I would like to mention that this post is rather advanced. This is good news for our more experienced readers, but for those of you who are beginners/intermediates, I highly recommend you read my three previous posts that build up to this one: •

Standards



Qualification



Sexual Prizing (optional)

These posts will work as pillars for the technique I am about to share with you. You will soon see “why” and “how” this all applies. Although in theory reading these posts beforehand isn’t required, I very much recommend it. Reading them will give you a better, deeper, and broader understanding of the concept I am about to share with you. Finally, keep in mind that this is an advanced (yet very efficient) technique, which means that having some in-field experience with women might be necessary in order to be able to pull this off properly. Still, if you don’t have that experience, read this post, and try it out and maybe fail anyway – it just might make you better. What I am really saying though is that you should not be too hard on yourself if you are a freshman with women and this doesn’t work as you’d expected.

Sexual Qualification With “qualification” we mean qualifying a girl in the sense that we are trying to make her fit our standards. Since having standards is an attractive thing, not only is qualification a good technique for building attraction, but it’s also a way to screen for the right women while somewhat forcing them to display desirable personality traits. ”You are very cute, but are you adventurous?” That is an example of a qualification. Asking such a question to women has multiple benefits (the benefits of qualification): 1. You find out whether or not she is an adventurous woman or not (yet). 2. If she doesn’t qualify (i.e., she claims she is not an adventurous woman) you can disqualify her (“you are not adventurous… that’s sad… I just started to really dig you”) in order to force her to qualify. Most of the time this works, because women will often display the sides of their personalities that they believe are attractive. 3. You get an idea of whether or not she is into you. If she qualifies… take it as a sign of interest. If she doesn’t after multiple attempts from your side… move on. 4. You create an “it’s on” moment! If she qualifies, you suddenly have an excuse to give her a compliment without being creepy. 5. It puts you into a position of being the chased one, with her chasing. All in all, you make women suit your standards.

Qualification and Your Standards Previously we discussed that it is first of all not wise to qualify a women based on her looks, as there is not much room for her to qualify. And being a sensitive topic, you might just get rejected. We also pointed out that you could qualify a woman based on her logistics (your logistical standards) and see whether or not she qualifies for being your girl of the night. But most importantly, we can qualify a woman on her personality. Let us say that you like women who are soft and feminine. Then you would qualify a woman… and tell her that she is beautiful while asking (or challenging) her about whether or not she is soft and feminine.

If she says she is, she has qualified to your standard and you can consider it her sign of interest. If she doesn’t, you disqualify her: “Oh, that’s really sad… ”, forcing her to qualify, and if she does, it is also a good sign (even better actually… as it shows she is into you, as she is willing to fit your standards).

The Sexual Standards of Qualification However, what about the standards of sexual compatibility? We barely mentioned these in the previous post on qualification. The reason we did that is because this is a more complex topic, which we will broach here. The idea of sexual qualification is that you have sexual “standards”, i.e., that you see a woman as being sexually compatible with you. Now, we can already see how “sexual qualification” can become a powerful technique. First of all, it takes “sex” seriously. Most men when picking up women tend to forget that different women offer different sexual experiences. Most men, needy as they are, do not care about such things, as long as they get laid. But you should. Now, what are your standards? That is up to you to figure out. Do you want a girl who enjoys oral sex? Maybe you want a girl who likes kinky sex (maybe BDSM stuff)? Or what about a girl who is slightly bi-curious (or bi-sexual)? Then maybe a threesome might be your thing.

Do you want a girl who is a total freak in bed or just a little adventurous? A girl who is open about her sexuality or a little bit more discreet? Think about it: if you find a girl that fits your sexual needs, wouldn’t that make your sex life 100 times better? Maybe you should consider making your “sexual” standards a priority for when you pick up women. But not only do these standards make your sex life better, it also makes you way more attractive! A man with standards when it comes to what sex he seeks is obviously a man who: •

Gets laid a lot (preselection – women get attracted to men who are being chased by multiple women)



Obviously is non-needy (which is key)



Is probably less judgemental (men who gets laid a lot do not see sex as a big deal)



Knows what he wants in terms of sex



Is sexually experienced; he knows what women desire sexually

Sexual Standards and Sexual Prizing If we recap quickly the whole idea behind sexual prizing, we can see that you build attraction by communicating to women that you are good in bed. By doing so you not only make her horny, as you will most likely have an interaction based on sex and get her thinking about what it would be like to have sex with you, but you also convey to her that you are a good lover. By doing so, you convey that you are a man who can satisfy her sexually. Keep in mind, most women, when having sex with men, do not get sexually satisfied. One reason might be that most men are terrible in bed. This makes you, as a good lover, a very rare product, which will make women chase you. The reason behind that is that if a girl manages to win you over she will most likely “get” the good sex, as you have communicated that you are a good lover. But in order to be a good lover, having standards when it comes to sex is really important. I believe that qualifying women based on those standards is a good way to communicate what type of lover you are – a good one; an experienced one. In case you wondered… here are my standards (they might differ from yours): •

Sexually open



Non-judgemental when it comes to sex



Open for experimenting



Has sexual preferences (depending on what I feel like doing that night: BDSM, exhibitionism, etc…)



Likes dirty or crazy sex

What are yours?

How to Qualify “Sexually” Now, let us talk about how to actually qualify a woman with your sexual standards. In terms of the set up, it is the same as any other form of qualification (like qualifying her on her personality). For example: ”You seem like a very beautiful girl, but are you sexually open? I really like sexually open women, it is a sign of confidence, which I find attractive.” 1. Start off by giving a compliment in order to not come across as rude and to keep things positive (remember, you are somewhat communicating to her that she is not “good enough” for you yet)

2. Say your qualifier (“but are sexually open?”) 3. Motivate her to qualify (“I really like sexually open women, it is a sign of confidence, which I find attractive”) The last point is really important in this case. Keep in mind that most women have a social defence mechanism in order to protect them from being labelled and perceived as “sluts” whenever they display sides of their true inner sexual self (“ASD” – anti-slut defence). Most women believe that men do not like women who are sexually open, promiscuous, and living in accordance with their true sexual nature. Therefore, women will often put up an image of themselves as asexual “madonnas”. So any time a man is curious about a woman’s sexuality she may put up a rather innocent and asexual image of herself. She will sometimes even deny that she is sexual at all. It is therefore very important to show her that you find what you are qualifying her for attractive to you. “You are adorable and sweet, but do you have a little mean and dirty persona hidden in all the sweetness? Because that… would be really hot.” In the example above, you are trying to qualify her on whether or not she has a dirty sexual beast hidden in her personality. In order to increase the chances of her qualifying you tell her that you find such a thing hot.

Force Her Sexuality Out Sometimes, you will face some resistance. Alek: So if I get it right, you are sweet, feminine, and sexy! Nice. But are you a “sexual” girl? Sexual girls are hot. Linda: [Throwing her arms around me] Thank you, no I am not that sexual, I am more into “love” and relationships. To me sex is more of a romance thing. As we can see here, she is not qualifying and she is trying to display some “purity” in order to not be perceived as a “slut”. In this case, it is key that you disqualify her – in other words, communicate to her that you don’t find this attractive. The key thing with qualification is that anything that you don’t find attractive will be disqualified. Think about it: do you find it sexy when you are out there looking for a one-night stand and a girl says she is asexual? Not really. So like in the example above, you disqualify.

Now, you might think that a girl looking for romance is sexy if you are looking for a relationship… well, without derailing, I would say that women who want romance before sex are women who seek to

control your balls and that that kind of thing rarely leads to a healthy relationship (I can write more about this if required). However, when you disqualify her, you have to make it really clear that there is something else you find attractive in order for her to have something to qualify back to. Let me exemplify this: Alek: So if I get it right, you are sweet, feminine, and sexy! Nice. But are you a “sexual” girl? Sexual girls are hot. Linda: Thank you, no I am not that sexual, I am more into “love” and relationships. To me sex is more of a romance thing. Alek: Well, I agree that sex within relationships is nice, yet I think it would be weird for you to deny that you as a woman don’t seek sexual pleasure just for the sake of trading orgasms. Remember, we are all human beings and sex feels good, so we all seek it. Are you sure there is not a little dirty beast within you? I think there is, and I find that hot. Linda: Well okay, there might be a little sexy dirty beast in me… You can see here how I would turn down her attempt to display purity and then convince her that her true sexual side is something attractive that she should not hide. This way she knows that I don’t seek purity (i.e., asexual women) and that I don’t find sexually open girls (or “slutty girls”, if you like) unattractive. I communicate to her that I want her to be a sexual beast: Alek: You seem like a perfect girl, but you don't seem freaky enough... Marit: I can be freaky…. if I feel like it.

Reward Her However, if she is qualifying, or already shows signs that she is suiting your standards, you probably want to keep it that way; in other words, motivate her to continue in this direction. Reward her for being sexual. If the girl keeps showing signs that she suits your standards, take that as a good sign. REWARD HER FOR IT! You do so by showing appreciation and complimenting her honesty, while also appreciating her sexuality. Like for example telling her how attractive she is when she is so sexually open. This will end up with her remaining sexually open toward you. It also removes some anti-slut defence, and you have now hopefully logically programmed her to believe that being “slutty” is attractive. Examples:

Linn: Yeah, well you only live once you know, why not just release yourself? Alek: That was the most charming thing I've heard tonight! Oh my god! Women are so sexy when they are in touch with their feminine nature! Hanna: Oh heck yeah, there is so much bad sex out there... I want some dirty stuff you know? It’s more exciting.” Alek: Woooooord!!!!! I find it really exciting experimenting with stuff myself, it makes sex more enjoyable.

Release Her Inner Beast The point of sexual qualification is not only to find women that suit your needs but also to release a woman’s inner beast. In other words, your goal is to make her admit how much of a dirty freak she is.

Think about it: if a girl tells you directly how much she loves sex (or… oral sex, anal, threesomes) after just qualifying her, then you are not far from getting her to bed. A girl admitting to being a horny dirty girl is a girl that is most likely ready for you. But, in some cases, you cannot really go crazy right away. It is always smart to start qualifying her on something not too kinky or personal. For example, do not do something like this right after entering a conversation: Alek: Does a beautiful girl like you enjoy anal sex? Dina: Get away from me creep. Now, although such a thing can work very efficiently, it is still high risk/high reward. You will fail most of the time. What I recommend to play it safer is to start of very lightly (qualify on something non-sexual at first?) and then spice it up relative to her level of interest and receptiveness. Let me demonstrate: At first let us start out with something light. You just met a girl, and you’ve just been talking with her for 5 minutes. Alek: You seem interesting… are you spontaneous? (Indirectly sexual) Karina: Yes, sometimes I am. Alek: That’s sexy. I like spontaneous people. Now a few minutes later you can spice it up. This time the girl will also give some resistance in order to complicate things and exemplify better.

Alek: You seem like a perfect girl: interesting, spontaneous, and very charismatic. Yet I need to ask, are you a sexually open girl? I love sexually open girls, because they are one with their feminine nature. (Trying to qualify) Karina: Thank you, well, I am not a slut! (Not qualifying) Alek: Honestly, I understand that men fear sexually liberated women. They fear female sexuality, but I embrace it and love it. You can act as “pure” as you can, it won’t matter because I won’t believe you. You are a female and females love sex – and that is what makes their presence so exciting in my opinion. I love women for being sexual being, but I love them even more when they are honest about it. (Disqualifying - forcing her to qualify) Karina: Finally someone who understands it. Alek: So are you sure you are not a little freaky? A sexy little freak? (Trying to re-qualify) Karina: Okay, maybe a little. (she qualifies) Now, you have maybe isolated her and been escalating and things are getting hot:

Alek: So tell me you sexy little freak (that’s where we left off previously, right) are you into dirty stuff… as in sex? I find such a thing not only exciting but also fascinating. I guess you have your kinks right? (Qualifier) Karina: Yes of course I do have some, but I am not that kinky. (Not fully qualifying) Alek: That’s sad, because the kinkier you are, the hotter you are! (Disqualifying – forcing her to qualify) Karina: I didn’t tell what kinks I had. (Qualifying) Alek: Ah nice, I am indeed curious, for instance, I love oral sex… I think it’s so hot. (Trying to qualify further) Karina: Yeah, I love oral sex too… (Qualifying) You get the idea. At least from what you can see in this example, this is rather efficient.

Sexual Qualification – Recap Sexual qualification is a form of qualification that takes into account your sexual standards – in other words, you qualify a woman based on the sexual compatibility between you and her. The idea is to qualify women sexually in order to screen for the right women – those who are sexually compatible with you. If one qualifies, not only is this a sign of attraction, but it is also a sign that you two are maybe sexually compatible (only when you have sex can you truly find out though). However, sexual qualification can also be used as a way to “force out” women’s true sexual nature. Women will often display purity as a response to anything sex related because they are afraid of being judged and “slut shamed”. By disqualifying her for not being the sexually open freak you desire, you force her to qualify as one. Once she does, you are one step closer to getting her to bed… with you. Basically you make her admit that she is a sexual beast. However, if she really doesn’t qualify to you, you should move on. But in the end, you will communicate that you are a good lover, with standards regarding sex. That is attractive, as it will communicate a certain amount of “sexual prizing”, which is the form of attraction that gets generated in women from you communicating that you are a great lover. All in all, this is a very efficient technique that will shorten up the seduction process and get you laid faster and easier. I warn you, such a technique can lead to really crazy sex. Be aware. Hope you enjoyed it. Questions and comments are welcome

How to Use the Sexual Frame to Turn Women On

by Ricardus Domino Friday, 27 July 2012

Many people believe that it doesn’t matter much what you say to a girl when you chat her up… that 93% of all communication is nonverbal anyway, and that the words are just filler. Thus, any sexual frame you employ should be more focused on your body language and less so on your words… they just aren’t as important, goes the thinking. This is a misunderstanding of Mehrabian’s study, which showed that somebody’s body language and tone of voice account for 93% of our LIKING for that person… it does not, however, mean that the spoken word only convey 7% of the meaning of any communication. “Liking” is also largely irrelevant when it comes to seduction – girls will often sleep with and even get into relationship with guys that they don’t particularly like… attraction beats liking, hand over fist, every time.

And if it was true that words only conveyed 7% of what’s being communicated, it should be perfectly possible to watch a movie in a foreign language and still understand 93% of what is being said… Try that some time. :) If it was true, it should also be possible to tell a girl to bugger off… and get a 93% similar response as when telling her that she’s pretty. There is, however, a more subtle reason why words matter… and that reason is frames, and the implications of what is being said. So what are frames and frame control now? Well, let’s look at some examples. Frame Game A frame might be defined as the contextual meaning a communication takes on based on how it is presented.

For example, one person might look at outsourcing as a bad thing because he lost his job to someone in India. His boss, on the other hand, probably sees outsourcing in quite a different light, as it saves him a lot of money on wages every week… it may even save his company from bankruptcy. Now let’s twist the frame around a bit more – what if we look at the situation from the perspective of the Indian worker? He is now working remotely for a company in the West and makes three times as much as he would in a local job… Or, we could reframe the Western worker’s situation as a great opportunity. Sure, he lost his job – but isn’t he now finally free to pursue his true passion, start a business, and even get rich himself? He might even end up hiring people himself, both in the West and in Asia… …or, he might decide that his life is over, apply for social security and spend the rest of his days under a bridge. It’s completely up to him… and the same set of circumstances takes on a completely different meaning, depending on the angle we look at it from. That angle is the frame… and the frame we set, the meaning we give things, creates our reality. This is why frame control is not only a powerful tool of persuasion, but one of THE most important life skills. The Sexual Frame: Framing for Seduction Just like outsourcing can be seen as a good or a bad thing, depending on one’s frame, so can things that are more useful to our pursuits… such as having sex the first night of meeting someone, or even after 15 minutes. Think about it… 50 years ago, sex on the first date was almost universally seen as “wrong”… 100 years ago, even premarital sex was considered “bad” – and to this day, there are still cultures and societies who would agree with that. The difference? Nothing but the frame. This difference in frames is also the reason why some girls will be open to going home with you at the first opportunity… they see their own sexuality in a positive light and have no hang-ups about it. (By the way, labeling negative views about sex a “hang-up” is a frame in itself… and a useful one… use it!) Other girls, however, aren’t as open-minded about casual sex at the first encounter… they may be worried

about their reputation, they may fear being judged by you or by their peers, or they may simply buy into some of society’s old-fashioned ideas (frames) about how a “decent lady” is supposed to act.

Therefore, 80% of getting a girl to sleep with you, especially on the first night, comes down to her agreement to a sexual frame. You’re starting to see how useful this skill can be!

Sex? Well, Why Not! We’ve discussed sexual framing on the blog in the past (see the posts on being a sexual man and chase framing), but in summation, it involves framing short timeframe sex as something normal, healthy and desirable, and objections against it as “hang-ups” that you and her don’t have. If she agrees to those premises, there is really no reason NOT to go home with you… Which is why the mastery over this one skill gets you about 80% of the way there, so long as your fundamentals are in place. And if she agrees to these frames, all you have to do is gradually escalate towards sex, while coming across as trustworthy enough of a guy to go home with… In other words, as someone who won’t leave her hacked to pieces in a dumpster somewhere. Does This Work on Every Girl? If there is a magic bullet in seduction, the sexual frame IS IT. If you talk about sex with her in a way that leads you both to agree that sex is good and not having sex is bad, then there is really only one thing left to do… …hit the bed. And the better you get at framing, the more eloquent you become in your verbal skills and the more subtly you can come to this kind of agreement, the more girls will end up sleeping with you the first night you meet them. I’m at a point now where almost all first dates or first encounters end in sex the same night… however, I’ve also noticed a pattern when it does NOT happen. And that pattern comes down to a crucial distinction that most people I’ve talked to aren’t aware of. I’ve coined a term for that distinction… it is the difference between internal and external frames.

Internal vs. External Frames

The reason why you have to frame sexuality in a positive light is simple – most people ALREADY have default frames about sex in their minds, and these frames usually come from society or religion, and are therefore often negative. However, there are two TYPES of negative frames a girl might have about sex - internal and external ones. 1. External frames are those imposed by society that she doesn't like. Sexual framing gets around those. I've had TWO virgins come over to my place, explicitly for nothing but casual sex (!), because I out-framed the negative ideas their teachers and priests had put into their minds… these girls WANTED to be naughty. I once picked up a girl who was on her way to church, bible in-hand, and slept with her on the first date. She talked about Jesus before we got down to the action, but I was easily able to outframe these ideas because she didn't LIKE the limitations her priest had set her. The basic idea of sexual framing is FREEING HER from the limitations society has imposed on her and her sexual expression. 2. Internal frames, on the other hand, are those (in this case negative) beliefs about sex that a girl actually LIKES. This one is a tall hurdle. It would take more than a few hours (probably months) to exert big enough an influence to undo someone’s core beliefs. I’ve once had a former “friend with benefits” that I hadn't slept with in a year get back in touch with me, and she plain refused to sleep with me the first time we met again… "Because it's the 1st date again, and I don't do that... next time." She knew it would have been okay… after all, we’d had sex before. But, she didn't WANT to hook up the first night... it was an INTERNAL frame. There are also girls who consider religion more important than anything else in life… and if she is truly convinced that she will go to hell if she sleeps with you before you guys get married, chances are… it won’t happen.

Men Who Don’t Like Sex Let’s look at a male counter example of an internal sexual frame. Just like some girls are simply not open to the idea of hooking up the first night, no matter what kinds of frames you set, there are also guys who are simply not open to the idea of a monogamous relationship (I am one of those guys). I’m not against exclusivity because of something someone once told me… it is not an external frame for me. Rather, it is a life style choice I have made because I value my freedom and independence more than I value the certainty that a girl I’m dating isn’t seeing any other men. This is an internal frame I have… and no girl could ever frame me into exclusivity with verbal jiu-jitsu, and much less in 3-4 hours. Another counter example are men who have spiritual beliefs that lead them to have bad frames about sex. That’s right… guys who don’t want to have sex… absurd as that may sound. In fact, I used to be one of them… a couple of years ago, I was on a really spiritual “trip” for a while and stayed sexually abstinent. During that time, I ended up having two girls naked in front of me, begging to be f***ed, and I didn’t do the honor…

I had negative INTERNAL frames about sex at the time, and I know the girls couldn't have out-framed them… these frames WERE no external limitation I needed to be freed from, but an INTERNAL belief… what’s more, they were an internal belief that was probably at identity level at the time, and you can’t change identity level beliefs without tackling changing someone’s identity at the same time - and THAT’S a tall order, no matter how you cut it. Marriage and Framing Now, the biggest proponents of framing always cite the example of marriage as proof of its power, and to show how irrelevant a woman’s objections to a sexual encounter really are. After all, what objection to short time frame sex would be more real and solid than that of her being married? She’s risking a divorce, plus a host of social and financial repercussions, should she get caught. The distinction between internal and external frames solves this mystery… her objections to cheating on her husband are EXTERNAL frames. If she’s been married for a while, she’s probably not as attracted to her partner anymore as she used to be (see the post on the 2 Year Drop). The limitation of her freedom to experience an adventure and hook up with a new man are EXTERNAL barriers, imposed on her by society… barriers that she WANTS to be freed from, because she is no longer in love with her husband. And if she’s tipsy and just had a fight with him, then all bets are off… On the other hand, if she just got married last week and is still madly in love with her husband, then her marriage is an INTERNAL obstacle to hooking up with you… it’s nothing she wants to be freed from, and your framing is not going to have much of an effect.

Conclusion The sexual frame is VERY powerful… and it is THE most important instrument in my tool box. And, you should always ASSUME that any objections she might have to sexuality are EXTERNAL frames. Ignore negative frames she might set (don’t even debate them), and instead free her from society’s limitations with the frames YOU set. However, if you run into a girl that you can’t get agreement on a sexual frame with, don’t berate yourself too much either… some people have a very conservative world view and hold on to it very tightly… you don’t need to beat your head against the wall.

There is another girl around the corner who looks just like her, but who’s a lot more open minded.

How to Lay “Internal Frame Girls” Internal Frame girls can be laid as well… the only difference is, their seductions are harder to ACCELERATE. With an internal frame girl, you simply have to go at her speed… If you keep pushing frames on her, you're just amplifying her resistance. And if you escalate too fast physically and beyond what she’s comfortable with, you risk hitting a brick wall and ending up with a girl who won’t pick up the phone when you call. You should probably make this experience a couple of times, simply to find out how far you can go… if you’ve never hit the limits of what’s possible, you have no way of knowing what these limits actually are. After experimenting with this sort of “over-escalation” for a while, though, tone it back a bit… and especially if she’s an internal frame girl who doesn’t buy into your liberal ideas about sexuality, lean back and take it at her speed if you really want her. That should really never mean more than three dates… if she still isn’t willing to hook up with you after that, she’s either not that into you, or psychologically damaged, or more conservative than you probably want to deal with… …but don’t be too upset if things don’t always happen the first night. They usually do, once you have your fundamentals handled and your process down… but not always. And in some cases, a hands-off second date will make her comfortable enough to let the clothes come flying off the third time you meet up. You see, the great distinction is that with external-frame chicks, you can constantly imply subtly (or not so subtly, depending on the vibe you have with her) that "I'm going to fuck you before this night is through"… and as long as you set the right frames, that’s going to fly. You still do need to set the sexual frames with internal-frame girls too though, but you don't want to debate them on these frames at all. Eventually, you’ll get them both. The world is yours, chico.

Onward and upward,

How to set sexual frame Posted by Stephen on Sunday, 8 September 2013

Easiest way to create a sexual frame. When you are talking to a girl, no matter where you are, after you have introduced yourself. Pause and look at her with squinted eyes. Say "you know what, you seem like a really nice girl, but I sense a naughty side" Most girls will deny being naughty and you can say "I know your tricks missy" "you are definitely the black lace kind of girl" Girls love this game of pretending to be innocent but secretly being naughty. They can sense when a guy knows her desires and plays the game. Its kind of like checkers where you can set up your moves to force an opponent into a corner. And when you travel the board (play the game) you work your way to get kings. When you have kings you can move anywhere you want. See how I made the frame of her seeming a good girl but having that naughty side deep down? And the more she plays along, the farther you can go. Now there will come a point where you might have to say, "ok you are innocent until proven guilty, but I'm the judge and the jury in this town with a big hammer. Guilty as charged. Hope you look cute in an orange jumpsuit" Another sexual frame: Society is crazy! Today, I saw a huge group of people shouting sex is evil and they looked so angry. I think as long as two people feel connected and attracted to each other sex natural. I am a man who can keep a secret. Now if she really thinks sex is evil because of her personal beliefs, then you might want to move on to a different girl. But most girls feel like sex is natural and as long as its discreet and they feel emotion towards a man, sex will happen.

Sexual Framing: More on Using This to Get Girls

by Ricardus Domino Thursday, 18 October 2012

One of the themes that keeps coming up on this site is framing… and more specifically, sexual framing. We've covered this topic before in posts like “Chase Framing” and my original post on the sexual frame, and I’m returning to it here to answer some of the questions guys had for me over on sexual frame post #1 and flesh out the how-to of sexual framing a bit more. In terms of your fundamentals, it is really THE most important skill, because it determines the meaning of everything you say, and hence the impact of your words and therefore also the outcome of all your interactions! Once you’re at ninja level with your verbal frame control skills, you can put any kind of “stamp” on any interaction with women… or with anyone else, really. You can turn any conversation sexual, which also means that you can turn almost any relationship sexual. By the same token, you can also turn any conversation into a monogamous relationship, if you so choose. BUT here’s the problem: If you DON’T understand framing… if you DON’T have this skill down PAT, you will STILL be setting frames, but without being aware of it... because every word out of your mouth comes with a frame. That means that you will accidentally set relationship frames when you really just want to hook up with a girl. It also means that you will sometimes even accidentally set conflicting frames, which usually leads to girls feeling that something’s a bit fishy here… and that’s one of the main reasons why girls will drop you at some point, even if things were apparently going great.

And the challenge is that frames can be a pretty abstract topic… I know for me, it took me quite a while to really wrap my head around it. Many guys even consider framing to be an advanced skill… but it doesn’t have to be. As I said, you’re already setting frames as it is… all it takes is some understanding to make sure you set the right frames… the ones that will lead to the outcome you want, be it sex with the girl in front of you tonight, or a fulfilling long-term relationship with the girl of your dreams.

Sexual Framing: A Closer Look As a quick review, a frame is nothing more or less than the meaning we give a certain situation, statement or emotion. For example, you may have broken up with your girlfriend recently and may not even need to get over your ex - you might frame it as new-found freedom; OR you may view it as a disaster - same event, different frame… different outcome. Chase has a great example of this in “How to Get Girls: The Last Post You’ll Ever Need;” the story about Pete, Jerry, and Sue is a classic example of different frame, different outcome. Here’s another example: a girl can flirt with two guys in one evening. Even if they’re both equally good looking and charismatic, even if they both have equal conversation skills, the outcome of the night will be very different for both of them, depending on the kinds of frames they set. For instance: •



If one of the guys is looking for a wife and thinks that only people who don’t respect themselves hook up the first night, his words will betray that… even if he doesn’t say it explicitly. If the other guy enjoys his freedom and is just out to have fun, if he values female sexuality and is non-judgmental about it, people will pick up on that fact as well.

When the girl in our example above speaks to guy #1, she might well fall in line with his frame and agree with him. She might tell him that she would never have sex with a guy the first night, “because that’s slutty and disgusting”. The same girl might talk to guy #2 an hour later and go home with him to have sex, though. Since pretty much all people have both a wild, sexual side to their personalities, as well as an “appropriate, decent” side that they show in public and under the scrutiny of society’s eyes, hooking up with a girl the first night is simply a matter of drawing out the wild side that she is hiding beneath the respectable exterior.

Take It From Meredith Brooks… She’s not the only one who’s both a bitch and a lover, a sinner and a saint. She is also one of the few who do not feel ashamed… and that’s where women need your help. You see… if you talk about weddings, “respectable” girls and high-horse “sexual morals” or even “purity,” sex is not going to happen tonight. If you employ sexual framing and talk about sexual fantasies and about how you never kiss and tell, on the other hand, it is likely that she is going to go for it! Same girl! Different frame. Sometimes when I have sex with a girl within minutes of meeting her, I think about how her relationships with “nice guys” usually go down. They probably think she’s a pristine pure angel whose sex-drive is non-existent unless she’s truly, madly, deeply in love with her prince on a white horse. He will present himself accordingly, and she will NOT put out until he commits. Again… same girl. Different frame. You see… it’s really not easy being a woman… they HAVE that wild side underneath the goodgirl act… but since they also have to HIDE it most of the time, they usually carry a lot of pent up sexual frustration around. Something you can help them with, of course. But how, exactly?

Question From a Reader William commented on the post about being a sexual man:

“I understand all the frames thanks to this article but i dont fully understand how to

communicate them without me coming off as a jerk if you could make another article or leave a comment I would be thankful”

This is a simple but very important question, because William hits the nail on the head here talking about communication of the frame: sexual framing need to be set with just the right degree of subtlety. If you’re not sexual enough, or if you deliver the frames as some sort of joke, it won’t hit. On the other hand, if you take the sexual frames too far, you will only come across as a horny boy or maybe even as a creepy guy. So how can you strike the right balance? The first thing to realize is that in the context of other topics, you’re probably already setting frames left and right. For example, if you have a conversation about politics or spirituality with a friend, you probably hold certain beliefs about those topics – and your words will reflect that, even when you don’t directly talk about these beliefs. And that’s how you want to set sexual frames as well – through a conversation that indirectly reflects what you believe in. This is also the reason why “inner game” and work on your own beliefs comes first. As long as you’re still judgmental about female sexuality yourself, you won’t be able to communicate sexual frames congruently. You will be stuck having to be the relationship guy. And even if what you WANT is a relationship, you will be stuck with every girl you meet pretending to be conservative and pure simply to not flip your “this girl isn”t relationship material” switch, and you’ll never know what she’s really like and she’ll know it. There’s little that affects a woman’s respect for a man in a relationship like knowing that he thinks she’s something she’s not. When a sexual guy comes along who can make her feel like she’s truly free to be herself around him, you may very well be in trouble if she’s been walking on eggshells around you to maintain your conception of her as chaste and pure. You don’t want to be that guy. You want to be the other guy - the one she’s comfortable enough feeling she will not be judged that she can actually be totally honest with.

In a nutshell: it’s not the frame that makes the man sexual… it’s the sexual man who sets the right frame for hooking up quickly. The more experienced you are, the more you will do this properly, and automatically.

Four Hard-Hitting Techniques to Set Sexual Frames But until you get to that point, there are a couple of things you can do consciously to set the frames we discussed in the “Sexual Man” article… and I’m going to give you four specific examples right now: 1. Set frames through stories. Rather than telling her that you don’t kiss and tell, you could tell her a story about a girl who blabbed to all your mutual friends about the night you hooked up with her, and how lame you thought that was. See - you’re not saying at all that you’re one to keep a secret – but it is strongly implied, as you probably wouldn’t complain so loudly about a behavior you engage in yourself. 2. Set the Frame Dale Carnegie-style. In Dale’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People, he talks about the psychological phenomenon that people want to live up to compliments you pay them. If you have a son who never listens, and you keep complimenting him on what a good listener is, that will be much more effective than telling him off for being distracted.

This works on girls too… if you compliment a girl on how open-minded and adventurous she is, she will realize that you value that trait, and if she likes you, align herself more with it. Very useful if you have naughty plans for the evening! 3. Qualify her on the frame you want her in. Rather than setting the frame, you test her on it: is she the jealous type? The clingy type? Does she gossip? Is she judgmental? And so forth… just subtly weave it into your conversation or your stories… but if you want a girl to be independent, a very good way of getting her to act independently is to tell her that you really like independent girls, and then make her jump through that hoop. Cialdini’s book Influence talks about this one, and he calls it the “Commitment and Consistency” influence trigger: people are much more likely to behave in a way that they have made a commitment to, even if it was only a small verbal commitment. 4. Cold read the frame. Simply tell her something like: “I can tell that you are xyz type of girl,” with xyz being the frame you would like to set. You want to give her a reason… you could root it in her body language, her behaviorisms or even her star sign. If she’s attracted, she won’t argue with you, but the frame will be set. There are a lot more ways to do this, but these should get you started. I don’t want to overwhelm you with 15 ways of setting frames… I’m actually more worried that four might be too much already. But I did want to give you a few options to choose from. Pick one or two for your next night out and start practicing them. Eventually, you will have them at unconscious competence – you will have achieved a level of expertise at sexual framing – and you will be setting frames without even realizing that you’re doing it. At that point, the only thing you “realize” is that most girls sleep with you the first night… until that, too, becomes expected and if it doesn’t happen for once you scratch your head.

Influence and Ethics I’ll add one more comment here about frames, just in case someone thinks this is manipulative. Here’s the thing: you are always setting frames... I just want you to be more conscious of it. Every time you open your mouth to say something, your values and world views get communicated. We are teaching you to free yourself from some of the misguided values about sex our society has implanted in the great majority of us. Being a puritan and a prude was probably a great idea in New England a couple of hundred years ago… but in the 21st century, we have effective birth control and a much larger pool of people to date than the girls in our small town.

If she doesn’t view the world in this way, she won’t be swayed by your stories and cold reads… you’re not putting a gun to anyone’s head. You’re communicating an open-minded world view that gives party-pooping puritans the bird, and you’re inviting her to let her repressed sexuality shine too… without her having to worry about judgment. If you haven’t experienced it yet, take it from us… girls will LOVE you for it. They will be as honest with you about their sexuality as they have never been with any of their long-term conservative boyfriends… you get to see a more authentic side of her after three hours than they did after three years. Take it from Cyndy Lauper: “Girls just wanna have fun.” They really don’t have it easy with all the negative frames about female sexuality out there… Your job is to free that girl you like from those restraints. I really wouldn’t want to be a girl – they’re not allowed to act on their desires the way men are expected to. So do them a favor and let them enjoy life a bit, will ya. ;)

Frame Refusal The last thing you need to understand about sexual framing and frames in general is frame refusal… what to do if she disagrees with a frame YOU set, and how to disagree with a frame SHE might set. And the answer, in both cases, is simple… just ignore. •

If you set a sexual frame and she tries to invalidate it, debate you on it or plain set a contradictory frame, pretend you didn’t hear it and move on. Your words will still have the desired effect… she has heard you, and she still understands what your views about sex are. That means later, when the right situation arises and she feels like going home with you, she can still be certain that you’re okay with it and that you won’t think any less of her because she has sexual desires, too… even though she is a woman (shocking, I know!).





If you debate her, however, she will start defending her view point and begin to get entrenched in it. Arguing with her about sex is one of the most certain ways not to have sex with her. If she sets a frame that doesn’t jive with the way you want your night to go, simply ignore that too. You’re setting your frames and she’s setting hers… that’s fine. You’re both just inviting each other into two different kinds of relationships. At the end of the day, both of you are free to accept each other’s invitations, or not.

And if she understands that you’re really, positively not up for getting into a committed relationship before going to bed with a girl, she basically has two options… go home alone, or accept your invitation for a more passionate way of kicking things off with you. More often than not, the outcome is the latter… girls have needs too, you know. So there you have it… if you control the frame, you control the game. And now that you understand what frames are, how they’re communicated and how you can use them to get into steaming hot sexual relationships with the hot girls you see every time you leave the house, well… leaving the house is exactly what you should be doing. You owe it to yourself… and you owe it to her. If you don’t make an adventure happen, you both miss out… so pick one of the four ways of setting frames we discussed above and start giving it a spin. Onward and upward, Ricardus

Her Sexual Availability? Vital to YOUR Sexual Success

by Colt Williams Monday, 23 June 2014

I think that one of the most under-discussed topics in seduction is sexual availability. What is sexual availability? Sexual availability is not only whether or not a girl has other men in her life (which she does 90% of the time), but also the extent to which she is satisfied with consistently having sex with one or more of these men.

It doesn’t matter if you have the tightest game. It doesn’t matter if you’re an extremely highvalue man. If you don’t understand sexual availability, you will experience much more frustration and confusion toward women than is at all necessary. So today I’m going to outline and explain this concept, and more importantly: delve into why it’s important.

When Everything Goes Right Sexual availability becomes most important not when you’re doing things wrong with a girl, but when you’re doing things right.

You can have the most ideal seduction situations, but two things might still work against you that you can’t always control: • •

Timing Location

A few months ago I met a sexy girl named Nicole. She was a short, sexually open Latina who responded well to my leading, was qualifying herself, and was telling me personal stories of her past. She made a point of telling me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of many years and was looking for a guy to have consistent sexual encounters with. She told me that she wanted me to come over to her place and have some fun that night. Unfortunately, it was really late at night and I had to get up early in the morning for an important business meeting. So I told her to hold off until the next afternoon when I’d be free and available. She happily agreed, and in the meantime she was sending me nude photos and telling me how much she couldn’t wait for our imminent encounter. Then, about an hour before I was set to see her, I was sending her some sexual texts to prime her for our encounter. But I got no response. Then around the time we were set to hang out, she sent me this text: Her: Hah…So…here’s the thing…I kind of started hooking up with one of my guy friends randomly and I’m now kind of set at the moment. But don’t lose my number just yet. You’re a really cool guy and I think you’re really sexy. Unfortunately right now it’s just bad timing for Colt and Nicole dirty fun times. I wondered about this encounter for a while. On paper, I played everything right in the interaction. I deep dived her, I pushed the sexuality, I employed push-pull, and I had her desperately waiting to meet up with me. I knew that my engagement was much more important than one random girl –but I also kept in mind that it would be fewer than 12 hours before I was able to see her again – so I wasn’t very concerned about the situation. But the sexuality of women should never be underestimated. I wasn’t terribly surprised when she had told me that she managed to sleep with someone else. But what did surprise me, was that she shut out the opportunity to have sex with a high-value man because she had a consistent man in her life to sleep with now. I remembered her mentioning that she wanted a consistent guy to hook up with, and even though I was surprised at how fast the window of opportunity closed, I wrote it off as an anomaly.

Timing But then I met Andrea. Andrea was a sexy half Colombian, half Portuguese girl who I met during a day game encounter on the street. She was sweet, she was funny, and she was really adventurous. We went on an amazing date of museum hopping and art walks – a wholesome and substantive kind of date that I rarely get to enjoy with your average American girl. We spent the entire day together, and when we made it back to my place, the sexual tension was at boiler-plate levels. We then had a hot, passionate night, and I was convinced that I had made a great connection with a girl that I would really enjoy having in my life. And then we had the talk. She was lying softly on my chest, sliding her delicate hand up and down the side of my arm. Her: Colt, I really need to tell you something. (never a good sign when a girl starts a conversation like that) Me: No worries. What’s on your mind? Her: We can’t ever do this again. Me: What? [with great surprise on my face]. What do you mean? Haven’t you had a good time. Her: I’ve had a better than good time. I have had an amazing time with you. And I think that you are a wonderful man. But... I kind of have been hooking up with this other guy for a while, and I don’t really think I should confuse things by introducing someone new. Me: Is this guy your boyfriend or something? Her: No, not at all [she said with a sigh]. I’m not really looking for anything that serious in my life. Me: Do you really like him? Her: He’s a good guy. And he’s just… comfortable. I just really can’t handle more than one man in my life. It’s just been an amazing day. I got swept up in the fun of it all. But we really can’t do this again. I hope you understand. I’m really sorry Colt. It’s just not good timing. A lot of thoughts went through my head at this point, and I can’t quite remember what I said to her in response. But, I did take note of the fact that this situation happened again. I met a girl who had opened up to me and was ready to sleep with me, only to tell me that there was another guy in her life and that she didn’t want to introduce anymore new characters. These experiences really hammered home the importance of timing when meeting girls. And I came up with a rule of thumb that applies to most women:

When a girl has a halfway decent guy in her life who she has been hooking up with consistently, she would rather continue to have sex with him than take a chance on hooking up with a new high-value guy if it’s not convenient for her. And the point of convenience is very important. So let me elaborate: We often speak of the path of least resistance in seduction on this site. The path of least resistance applies especially well in terms of sexual availability. That is, women will sleep with the man whom they can get the biggest returns from the most easily. I thought a little bit more about the circumstances of Nicole and Andrea. With Andrea, she was a few years older than me, and was in a different lifescape in terms of her career and the kinds of things she did with her free time. So she probably recognized that not only was there a difference in the timing of when I came into her life, but a difference in timing in terms of where we were in our lives as well. And that was an important difference. The man who she was already hooking up with was the same age, and though he was pretty average, the barrier was low and he was by far the most convenient option. Therefore, hooking up with him was following the path of least resistance.

Location I recently met a wonderful girl named Rebecca. She lived in one of the neighboring towns about 15 miles away from me. She was smart, quirky, and always made a fantastic partner in crime. We hung out for a couple of months, and I opened up her sexual horizons while consistently having a great time with her. It wasn’t too much of a hassle for us, but I did wonder about whether or not she cared to make the journey to come see me (which she made most of the time). A few weeks ago I asked her to hang out. Me: Becca, do you want to go on an adventure this week? Her: Yea, I’d love to! Should we meet up near you or me? Me: Do you mind coming to me? Her: Of course not, sounds great to me. Just let me know what time And then she sent me a message the next morning… Her: So I need to tell you something

Me: Ok. What’s up? Her: I met a guy in my town a couple weeks ago and I’ve been seeing him quite a bit and last night he asked to be exclusive. I’m really sorry, I really like you and you’re so much fun to spend time with but I think the distance is really hard for us to see each other. Me: It’s ok Becca. I understand that the distance can be tricky. You’re a great girl and that’s just how life goes sometimes. I’ll have to meet other people, but let me know if you ever want to hang out again. Her: Thank you so much for understanding. I will definitely let you know when I want to hang out again. For now, I wish you the best and I’ll miss you. By this point I completely understood what the path of least resistance for Becca was. The location was too big of a barrier for her, so she defaulted to hooking up with a lesser guy who was nearby. But I learned an important lesson from these past experiences as well: don’t burn bridges. Chase has talked about this concept in a few posts. A girl may be hooking up with/dating a certain guy now, sure. But it’s probably not going to last. And when she wants to find the men who made her wet before, you can easily bring her back into the fold for casual fun while still having new girls in your life.

That’s the kind of lifestyle you can lead when you’re not caught up on one girl. You know that everyone in the mating game is just a commodity and that people constantly come and go in

your life. And if you can find stability in that constant ebb and flow while still moving forward and meeting new people, you can have yourself a very good time.

How to Overcome When She’s Not Sexually Available The only way to overcome discrepancies in sexual availability is to have both timing and location in your favor. And occasionally even then it won’t be enough. Women – just like people in general – like to have consistency and patterns in their life. And some girls won’t even break a comfortable and consistent pattern for a new, higher value man unless he absolutely blows her away (if you follow this site, you can be such a man). And even then, the situations can be tricky because females also like to avoid confrontation (with males). And having to break off a consistent hookup for the sake of forming a new one is a massive source of potential conflict. So if you find yourself in one of these situations, don’t be frustrated. Oftentimes you did everything exactly right. Oftentimes the girl will even tell you how attracted to you she is. But if she doesn’t want to go through the trouble of making you the main sexual conduit of her life, there’s nothing you can do about it. Just know that you did well, and that there is always an infinite spring of women to draw from.

Wrapping Up Sexual availability is an important concept to understand for intermediate and advanced guys – particularly in the West. Women have so many men constantly vying for their attention – and their bodies – and they will nearly always go for the man who treats them well enough and makes it easy for them to get what they need. Sometimes that’s you. Sometimes it’s not. But if you understand that fact, you’ll be a whole lot happier. And you’ll realize that there are always enough to go around. Carpe diem, Colt

Sexual Tension: 7 Ways to Make Women Excited and Randy

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Sometime back ago, when I was still new to learning about seduction, I shared with a friend the tale of a girl I'd gone out with and the sexual dialogue I'd tried using to get her mind going the right way... and how disappointed I was it hadn't seemed to have had the desired effect. “My man,” I remember him saying to me at the time, “I notice you keep trying to use words to get women excited and turned on. But words aren't very good at this. You need to use sexual tension.” And I heard this, and I thought it sounded like a great idea... except I had no idea how to create sexual tension, how to use it, or where to even start with it. And my friend, for all his wisdom, was at a loss to explain it. So, I did what any real student of anything does who is unable to find the answer by simpler means, and I embarked on a quest to discover the mechanisms of this phenomenon and to find the key to unlock its power for myself. Recently, years later, I found myself in the opposite position, recommending to readers that they use sexual tension, this time in the “How to Kiss a Girl” article from last week, and having the very first commenter on the post, a guy named Josh, remark:

“I would like to see a post on sexual tension. How and when to create it and sustain it. I see you mention touching and proximity to create this and maybe some eye contact that last just a little to long. Those along with some playful banter maybe as well? It's amazing how much of flirting and seduction are non-verbal.”

Well Josh, the fortunate thing is, unlike my friend from that conversation past, this is one I had to put together over time and figure out the puzzle pieces for, and I can both tell you how to create it, and tell you how to use it. Now let me show you how you can build and direct sexual tension to drive the women you meet lusty, horny, and randy, in minutes or less.

The mistake I made early on trying to create sexual tension was the same one just about every guy makes: I tried to talk my way to tension. I initially tried talking to women about all kinds of things: • • • • • •

Fake boobs Sex positions Orgasms What it takes to be good in bed Sexual escapades of my own Sexual escapades of hers

And these led to some truly very fascinating discussions. I learned a lot about female sexuality that I perhaps otherwise wouldn't have learned if not for launching into these intellectual forays about the vagaries of sex. But one thing I didn't do was turn women on. Talking about sex did not make me sexy, I discovered. In fact, dry sex talk, I soon found, did NOT have the effect on women I was hoping it would at ALL... .. and if anything, I started realizing it was a full-on turn OFF for women! I struggled to understand this at first. Why would talking about sex turn women off and drive them away? Shouldn't the act of talking about something make them think about it, and if I'm talking about how open *I* am about sex and how good in bed I am, shouldn't that make them curious about sleeping with me and make the want to try me out? It took me a little while, but the reasons why sex talk doesn't lead to sexual tension in and of itself began dawning on me, one at a time:

1. It kills intrigue. When everyone's cards are laid out on the table, suddenly the poker game is a lot less exciting. Women want anticipation in their seductions... and a seduction where all your cards are showing just makes them want to go find another table to play at. 2. It's unromantic. Ever see a movie where a man's talking to a woman about sex outright? Occasionally you'll see it done well, and it seems romantic and scintillating, but usually it's just crude. It's very hard to do blatant sex talk correctly, and when you're focused on the talk, rather than the tension, you're almost assured of not getting it right. 3. It's skepticism-inducing. Women have adapted in our society to be very skeptical of what men say, because men have adapted in our society to say next to anything in order to get in women's pants. A guy telling a girl he's a good lover is likely to give her the opposite impression... "If you have to say it, it isn't true," I always say, and women seem to have a natural understanding of this principle themselves. Honest sex talk has the other disadvantage that it can make you come across as the creepy guy if you really don't have the timing to discuss it at the right moments naturally or the vibe to remain calm and non-needy while talking about it, but even if you do these things alone aren't enough to build sexual tension. Because sexual tension is not built on talk. It's built on something else.

Sexual Tension in Women: You Might Be Surprised One of the biggest protests of some individuals who oppose the teaching and learning of seduction techniques is that a seducer is someone who takes advantage of, and knowingly manipulates, women. But once you are a seducer, you tend to see things in a very different light. I, for one, am well aware that I can create sexual tension pretty well these days. But I can't create it in every girl. Try as I might, I will sometimes meet women who simply seem immune to the creation of sexual tension. No matter how much I dial up my sexuality, they just... stay neutral. Why might this be? Well, as it turns out, Rosemary Bassoon of the University of British Colombia last year published a paper in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy entitled "The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model" that may just explain why:

“Sensing an opportunity to be sexual, the partner’s neediness, or an awareness of one

or more potential benefits or rewards that are very important to them (but not necessarily sexual), women move from a sexual neutrality to seeking stimuli necessary to ignite sexual desire. This sexual desire would be experienced as a craving for sexual

sensations for their own sake, it also might involve a desire to experience physical and subjective arousal and perhaps release of sexual tension. Sexual desire then is a responsive rather than spontaneous event.”

What Bassoon is saying here is that women in a neutral state don't become sexually turned on; women who want or need to be sexually turned on seek out the stimuli that can achieve this for them. Which gels nicely with my experience. A lot in seduction discusses "creating attraction" or "creating desire" within a woman. And often, as you build attraction up in a girl, or you build up sexual tension within her, you do seem to be creating it, nearly from thin air. But this overlooks the fact that most of the time this happens it's with women who were already interested in you. Women who from the start had some desire to get to know you further, to find out if you were who they thought you were.

Here's more from Bassoon:

“Thus, for many women, it would appear that sexual arousal and a responsive-type of

desire occur simultaneously at some point after the women have chosen to experience sexual stimulation[.]”

If Bassoon is correct - and I do think she is, from everything I've seen over the years, the seducer does not CREATE the sexual tension a woman feels - he merely provides the stimuli... the key that unlocks the door to the room where a woman can be free to let her hair down and partake, once she's already at least somewhat LOOKING for it.

It's why you hear so many experienced seducers saying they think women want sex more than men do, while so many men with little luck yet with women say they think women don't want sex at all. Because to the men who haven't learned how to unlock that door yet, women seem to be eternally closed off to sexual desire... while to the desirable, sexual men who have learned how to be the key to that lock, all the women in search of sexual stimuli in the world seem to be bursting through the doors.

You of course have heard the old expression about men and women that, “If a key opens many locks, it's a Master Key.” Well, to become that Master Key, you must first master sexual tension. Sexual tension is the bittings, the teeth, on the key that lets you open those locks that are so begging for a man to open them. It is what enables you to free the women you meet to indulge in the raw sexuality they are seeking and desire, if they so choose. You cannot force a woman into wanting her. You can't trick her, or fool her, or manipulate her. You can only free her into her desire... if she is in search of it. If she does not want to feel desire though, nowhere in her heart, nothing you can do or say can affect her. The good news, of course, is that the more talented at creating sexual tension you become, the better able you are to unlock the desire in women who even have that desire buried somewhat under the surface... and the more women who do not have desire, or whom you do not desire, will step out of your way.

The latter part has been particularly intriguing for me. As I've gotten better and better at creating sexual tension, I've noticed the following becomes true when you're very good at creating this tension: • •

The women you want who want you too REALLY begin to want you The women who DON'T want you, or whom you don't want, understand why their friends DO want you, and understand it's their friends you want (and not them) and that it's you their friends want, and because this is mutual, they calmly clear the path

You are speaking a sort of unspoken language that only women and very sexual men understand as you grow better at creating tension, and other people can see it. It's the "spark" women talk on and on about; that magic "thing" no one can seem to put a finger on. It is the magnetic pull between two individuals that combines charisma and desire and mutual interest and makes it something great than all of those things. And when other people see it between you and a girl - when they can tell it is mutual, and that she truly desire you, and you truly desire her - they get out of the way. No cock-blocking. No interventions. No pulling the friend away to "go to the bathroom," never to return. They just let the two lovers alone, because they can see that they will become lovers, and they should become lovers. This all probably sounds very new-agey to you if you haven't experienced what I'm talking about here yet. For the more advanced guys, you're probably nodding your heads in agreement, whether you know how to do this consistently right now or you've stumbled on this by accident from time to time. But anyway, I just wanted to give you a taste of what it feels like to have sexual tension decoded and in your pocket, ready to be pulled out to help you open locks whenever and wherever you need it. Let's get into the real nitty-gritty now of how you transform yourself into that Master Key.

The 7 Keys of Sexual Tension If you want to be the man who creates sexual tension in women and draws those hidden desires out of them and liberates them, you'll have some tweaking and changing of how you interact with women and how you present yourself first. And to start with, you must, of course, be comfortable with being around tension... because you'll be creating, well, quite a bit of it.

Key #1: Remain Calm in Tense Situations Imagine a big, powerful, angry-looking man walks right up to you, stares you in the face, and says, in a booming voice, "Are you trying to pull something on me?" Could you respond calmly and intelligently and defuse the situation? Most men couldn't. Or suppose a stunning, beautiful woman in a tight, slinky, bright red dress strides up to you, stops with her hand on your chest, and says, in the most sexy voice you can imagine, "Do you want me?" Would you be able to remain in control, not miss a beat, and guide her toward the bedroom? Most men would fumble over their own words and drop the ball here. Before you can create tension, you must first be able to handle tension, and that means not flinching when ridiculous situations thrust themselves upon you. And there are exactly two components to this: • •

Having had the experience already, or one like it; and Consciously knowing the correct way to respond.

You won't get the first of those two until you've been out there and seen it all (or at least a lot of it), again and again. That's simply field experience, and it's why it's so important you're out there and meeting a lot of new women. Don't get the experiences, and you can't get the conditioning - and conditioning is crucial to your future growth. But the second of those two you can work on right now, without an ounce more experience in these types of situations than you had when you started reading this article. Here's how to respond in tense situations: 1. Don't instantly react. When people panic or get overly excited, they tend to react quickly and instinctively. Thing is, if you don't have much experience in a given situation, your instincts tend to be wrong. Your first reaction to the big guy might be to sputter out excuses, or to violently push back and escalate the situation. Your first reaction to the beautiful vamp might be to say, "Yes, absolutely!" or to act overly cool and say, "Who said I want you?" None of these responses would be correct... they'd just blow the situation and lead to a bad end. So stay calm, and don't instantly react. 2. Don't escalate. Many people escalate when others suddenly force things upon them. They challenge the guy to a fight, or they tell the girl they like her and ask if she likes them. This is wrong - because it's following the other person's lead instead of having them follow yours. 3. Don't bow out. The other chunk of people bow out of tense situations - they tell they guy they're sorry and don't know what he's talking about, or the tell the girl, "Not really," and shoot her down if they're afraid she's just toying with them. This is wrong because it

tends to make you look weak or afraid, or, in the case of the woman, it wrecks an otherwise great opportunity. 4. DO ask clarifying / direction-changing questions. This takes the other person off the initiative and transfers the initiative to you, giving you time to regain balance and assess the situation. Asking the tough guy, "Begging your pardon?" then looking at him with a quizzical look, then following up his next exclamation (probably: "You know what I'm talking about!" or "You did this!") with another, disorienting question (e.g., "Do we know each other?") regains the initiative for you and steals his thunder. Asking the beautiful girl, "Is this how you normally greet strange men?" and the, when she responds with something along the lines of "only men as sexy as you," making a statement like, "Well, clearly you have good taste, but we should get to know each other before we go ramming our tongues down one another's throats. Do you have a name, or do they just call you 'man killer?'" will show her you aren't fazed and will bring her true intentions to light. From there, once you're back steering and directing things, you can talk intelligently with the tough guy, or gauge whether the girl's really sexually wound up (in which case, you'd escalate things very quickly, but on your terms) or simply thought you were cute but wanted to test you first (because she likes toying with men and wants to screen out all but the strongest and most experienced men), and take it from there.

Key #2: Don't Spill Your Beans The majority of men in today's dating arena seem to follow a philosophy of, "Spill your beans to girls, and it'll all be fine." It's an absolutely atrocious approach, and women don't like it. The reason men adopt this "strategy" in the first place is because they see themselves not getting anywhere with women... and they reason their value must not be high enough. So they work harder to show what high value men they are. Then harder. Then harder still. After a little while in the game, they're spilling the beans on everything remotely interesting or exciting about themselves, and many things that aren't remotely interesting or exciting about themselves as well. Result? Zero intrigue. Zero curiosity. And zero sexual tension.

Ever read a romance novel? Or watch a movie with a hero women swoon over? It isn't the guy with his entire life on display for all the world to see, or the guy who's totally transparent to the women he meets. It's the guy who's the mystery who makes women's hearts beat faster. Women are obsessed with the mysterious man with a mysterious life and a mysterious past. The mysterious man is the romantic man. They want to discover him: who is this mystery man? Most of the men they meet are in such a hurry to divulge every detail imaginable about themselves... and then, there's this guy. If you want to create sexual tension, you need to be that guy - you can't go spilling your beans around women and think you'll make them randy later. It doesn't work that way. Wear the cloak of mystery - it's essential.

Key #3: Use Strong Eye Contact When it comes to creating tension, of any variety, the eyes have it: • • •

If you want to intimidate someone, stare into his or her eyes and don't say a word. If you want to show someone how serious you are about something, stare into his or her eyes and don't say a word. And if you want to create sexual tension with someone, stare into her eyes and don't say a word, too.

It might seem odd that staring into a woman's eyes increases sexual tension, but I can tell you from my own experience it certainly does - and so can researchers Joan Kellerman, James Lewis, and James D. Laird in their Journal of Research in Personality studies published in the paper "Looking and loving: The effects of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love:"

“In two studies, subjects induced to exchange mutual unbroken gaze for 2 min with a

stranger of the opposite sex reported increased feelings of passionate love for each other. In Study I, 96 subjects were run in the four combinations of gazing at the other's hands or eyes, or in a fifth condition in which the subject was asked to count the other's eye blinks. Subjects who were gazing at their partner's eyes, and whose partner was gazing back reported significantly higher feelings of affection than subjects in any other condition. They also reported greater liking than all subjects except those in the eye blink counting condition. In Study II, with 72 subjects, those who engaged in mutual gaze increased significantly their feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner. This effect occurred only for subjects who were identified on a separate task as more likely to rely on cues from their own behavior in defining their attributes.”

Where should you be looking, precisely? As noted in "Eye Contact Flirting," you should be looking directly at the bridge of a woman's nose, in between her eyes, and not shifting back and forth from eye to eye as many individuals tend to do. Shifting from eye to eye shows a focus on reactions - the individual shifting eyes is trying to gauge how his or her conversation partner is reading, reacting to, and interpreting his or her actions, words, and behavior. It's great when you see women doing this to you... it means they're deeply interested in how you're feeling about them. But it's even better when they're staring deeply back into your eyes... because then they are signaling that they are every bit as into you as you are into them.

Key #4: Keep Talk to a Minimum Opinions aren't sexy. Neither is what you had for lunch yesterday, or even your thoughts on silicone breast implants or a discussion of your favorite sex position. Those are not the things that make women lust for you. Sitting there quietly but intensely while she talks, or leading her silently but firmly through a crowd in a nightclub, or from one part of a café to another, all are things that increase sexual tension.

Talk should only be used in quantity (where you're doing most of the talking, rather than letting her do most of the talking and opinion-sharing and you're simply feeding back to her what she thinks and feels and actively listening) in situations where you want to defuse the tension. Thus, profuse talking from you is best used:







During transition points, like going somewhere she doesn't know the destination of, or taking her to your home, where you risk having her shift emotionally along the way without topics for her to logically seize on and think about During spontaneous escalation and manhandle kiss situations where you need to both progress things physically and emotionally, yet provide engagement for her logically to stop the different parts of her brain from going to war with each other over their differing objectives During turnarounds where you're about to lose a girl and are instead working to get her to change her mind and stay (see: "Don't Let Her Go").

Otherwise, let her do the talking; all you need to do is stare into her eyes and listen... and lead the conversation forward with probing questions and effective deep diving, and lead the interaction forward with strong leading and consistently moving her to the next stage of things.

Key #5: Employ the Power of Suggestion Have you ever had a woman stare you straight in the eyes and say something like, "You want me, don't you?" If so, how'd you feel? Most likely, if you wanted her a little bit before, you wanted her a lot afterward. That's the power of suggesting. What we talk about on here when we discuss chase frames and sexual frames of all sorts is exactly this: suggesting to a woman's conscious and to her subconscious that yes, she very much wants you. If she doesn't you at all, of course, this will annoy her and drive her away - which is great. If she doesn't want you at all, you're not going to convince her by spending another three hours talking to her, so it's better you found out early on she wasn't interested in mating with you and bailed than it was for this to happen much further into your courtship dance. But if she is interested in you, this serves as an amplifier for that interest - and it rockets sexual tension ahead. Don't be afraid of using suggestion (assuming you use it properly, of course - see the articles linked to above on chase frames and sexual frames); it merely acts as a filter and an amplifier for what's already there.

Key #6: Use Touch Well Touch's relationship with sexual tension is intriguingly diverse: you can use it to increase sexual tension quite a bit, or you can use it sparingly to this effect... you can even refrain from using it altogether. The difference is, different ways of using touch get you different flavors of sexual tension.

Here's how they each work: 1. Lots of touch: hot tension. Lots of touch leads to what you might call "hot tension." This is where you and the girl have been touching a LOT, she's thinking hard about sex with you, and she very much wants it. This is the kind of tension you'll see if you play around with rapid physical escalation in dance floor game and at parties and such. There are other places you can use it - long bus rides is a great one, for instance, where you're sitting next to the girl and can be very close and very physical - but those are the primary places. 2. Strategic touch: excited tension. If you're hardly touching a girl, but strategically touch her here and there - you tap her stomach a few times while making a point, cup her elbow while doing so, at some point find an excuse to grab her head or one of her breasts as a demonstration of some story you're telling, or put your hand on her back as you guide her through an important transition - if it's infrequent, these can be very exciting moments for women. They raise tension substantially, and the thought that races through the girl's mind is, "Oh, wow, I think he DOES like me too! What if something happens, like... soon? Oh wow!" She becomes excited, and anticipation rapidly builds. 3. No touch: nervous tension. Nervous tension is the hardest to work with, but it's the best for reserved and inexperienced women, or for women who are consciously trying to control themselves (e.g., women who've decided they've had their fill of hook ups and from here on out are ONLY going to allow themselves serious relationships, despite whatever desires they might really have). This is where you increase sexual tension

purely using the other keys mentioned, and don't touch her at all... until the two of you are alone together and you create the first kiss. This one's only for pros - master hot tension and excited tension before you try to pull off nervous tension, or you'll probably end up with a heck of a whole lot of nothin'. If you're just learning sexual tension, I recommend starting out with hot tension, simply because it's the easiest to do and it generates the clearest reactions. It's also the most unstable kind of tension, however, and the most prone to blowing up in your face. Of the three of these, excited tension is the most stable, because it leads to the most natural, comfortable, and positive sort of tension - it's not an extreme emotion that's likely to crash if you make a single mistake. The only drawback of excited tension is that it's still a bit too "obvious" for reserved women, and for the women who are "pros." For those girls, you need to pull out your big guns (nervous tension), but again, that one's a highwire act I only recommend you attempt once you're good with the other two types of tension.

Key #7: Keep Her "Guessing" This one ties back to #2, and it relates quite a bit with what we talked about in the post on indirect game last week, the point being, of course, that while you imply you are interested in her... you never come quite out and say it. You can use this even with a direct opener - you simply follow up that up with all the rest of your conversation after never giving her full satisfaction about your motives. You can joke, and kid, and imply, you just can't say it outright - you'll rob her of that mystery we discussed in Key #2. Here's what a conversation with a girl will look like when she's trying to press for an answer from a man and he's keeping her guessing (although note: once you're good at creating tension, you'll be coming across like enough of an authority figure for most women that they simply won't challenge you like this... this one's simply for demonstration purposes): Her: So tell me... do you like me? Him: What do you think? Her: Well, I'm still trying to figure that out! Him: And why's it so important to figure out? Her: I'm just curious. Him: I'd say you are, yes.

Her: And how about you... you're not curious if I like you? Him: I don't need to be curious. Her: Why not? Him: Because I already know the answer. Her: [laughs] So what is it? Him: Remind me to tell you sometime. Her: [laughs] Him: So how'd you end up here in this part of the world, anyway? You don't seem like a globetrotting kind of girl... It's pretty obvious to anyone with a modicum of social intelligence that both people are attracted to one another in that conversation there. But he "keeps her guessing"... she's not really guessing, she knows he's attracted to her too, but his aptitude at keeping engaging banter like this on without bending and telling her exactly what she's asking displays his social finesse and his experience with women. He communicates being preselected to her through this verbal dance, and it makes her want him more.

The Sexual Tension Master Key Like my friend told me back in the day, talking about sex does not a lusty woman make. It's eliciting her lusty side, through employing the keys of sexual tension, that liberate her to be her aroused, excited self around you - and to realize that you are the one you can give her the things she's searching for in a sex partner. Those keys, to recap, of course are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Remain calm in tense situations, Don't spill your beans, Use strong eye contact, Keep talk to a minimum, Employ the power of suggestion, Use touch well, and Keep her "guessing"

When you're using all of these, and you combine them with a sexy vibe, you turn yourself into a man women find completely irresistible... and the women who are "looking for something" start coming out of the woodwork, flirting with you, trying to catch your eye, trying to pique your interest. It becomes easy.

Which is a little strange, at first, especially when you're coming from a background where sex used to be this elusive thing that most men wanted and most women didn't want to give up. Suddenly the tables have turned, and women want it from you like crazy... meanwhile, most men out there are still standing around talking about how hard it is to get women to intimacy, and you begin having a harder and harder time understanding how they can even possibly think this, or why on Earth you ever did. You're a changed man, and the way women react to you has changed, and the ease of having the kinds of experiences you want to have in the world has changed. It changes everything. And the only difference between you and those guys standing there complaining bitterly about women is, you've turned yourself into a Master Key able to open many locks... while they're still milling about wondering why the door is closed to them in the first place. Time to get unlocking. Ciao, Chase

Seducing the Boss Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Hey Blade, Your read is right, she clearly is interested. Lots of flirting going on, and her saying things like, “We can’t date!” and, “It’s too risky!” means she wants to, and she wants you to disarm her objections (if she wasn’t interested, she’d say, “Blade, I’m your boss, and I’m not interested in you like that,” not protest that it’s “risky”). When a woman throws up weak objections like that, she’s telling you to lead. e.g., she says it’s too risky, and you say, “I know… that’s why it’s exciting,” then take her hand and lead, and don’t back down from it. She’ll respect you a lot more for it. And, I don’t know how your workplace is situated or setup, but after-hours sex is one of the most common ways people get away with it in the office, or something happening in her car would be a lot of fun and risqué enough to be rather exciting for her (and you), too. Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Hey Flames, You're working on the right stuff, then! Creating sexual tension's a big win you can bring across the board to all your game with women... it makes everything else easier. The reason nervous tension's difficult is because it's easy for girls to end up in auto-rejection if your management of the interaction isn't pitch-perfect (e.g., she starts feeling like her interest in you isn't being reciprocated), and once that happens you don't get them back (99 times out of 100). In addition to that, if you move too slowly with nervous tension, a girl can be in mild autorejection already by the time you pull her home and try to get physical on her, and she'll brush you off and tell you it's uncomfortable or she doesn't like you that way. If you use nervous tension, you need to move a lot faster than you would with, say, excited tension, but you ALSO usually can't move quite as fast you would with hot tension. Because it's not a "just move really

fast" type of tension like hot tension is, or a "go at your own pace" type of tension like excited tension is, it requires that high-wire balancing act that makes it more risky. But it's the most broadly applicable type of sexual tension - it works on the largest swath of women - which is it's brightest redeeming quality (another one is that because you don't use touch with it, you can use it in a wider variety of scenarios, including those where you're not able to use touch, like being in public with a group of people, for instance, or picking her up in front of a cluster of her friends were you getting touchy with her will throw off alarms with overprotective friends). Cheers, Chase Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Howdy Dave, Glad you thought so. Great quote from you here: "The more you talk the harder it is to get what you want." I'm in full agreement on this one - if you want to get what you want to get, just stop talking, and only jump in when the conversation needs a little steering. The less you talk - once you know how to make the talking that you do do count, that is - the better the results you tend to get (to a point, of course... mute guys might intrigue girls at first, but they soon become frustrated!).

How to Use Sex Talk to Set a Sexual Tone and Mood

by Alek Rolstad Friday, 6 September 2013

Today, I wanted to make a quick introduction to using sex talk in sexual framing after reading many requests from our readers. It seems sexual framing is a popular topic around here, and since there’ve been a number of requests for more information about this, I'm happy to oblige. I thought that an introductory post into my methods for using sex talk and sexual frames, like this article, was in order. Of course there is a lot more to say about the topic (oh man… so much more; you have no idea how much!) – so consider this just as a starter. The purpose of this post is to give you an overall idea of how this all works. This will make it simpler for future, even more detailed pieces concerning this topic.

Sexual framing is giving an interaction an underlying meaning consisting of sexual content. The purpose with sexual framing is to lead the interaction to full sex and the easiest way to do so is to put sex on her mind. We can do this implicitly, with gestures, voice tones, and facial expressions, or we can do it explicitly, with sex talk.

But sexual framing itself means a lot more than simply putting sex on a woman’s mind. In its broader definition, it means creating a perception of you in her eyes: a perception of you as a sexual man (a lover). In human interactions, the way someone perceives somebody else defines her behavior toward that person. For instance, if you perceive someone as a leader, you will start to treat him like one. If a woman perceives you as an unattractive nerd, she will treat you like one. If she on the other hand perceives you like a sexual man, she will treat you like… well, she will most likely have sex with you. The goal with sex talk and sexual framing is to create a perception of you as a sexual being in women’s eyes. I will elaborate why this is key for your interactions with women.

Being the Lover – The Sexual Man The reason that being perceived as a sexual man is more attractive than anything else is because sex is an important and deeply rooted human need. There is a lot of scientific research to back this up (not to mention it being more or less common sense!). But I will explain the idea of sex as very important to people in a much simpler way, in case you are coming from a more inexperienced or a more conservative sexual background and aren’t used to thinking of sex this way. So let’s start by asking ourselves a very simple question: how often do you think about sex? You have probably watched porn and enjoyed it. You read this blog because you are seeking sexual adventures. No doubt that you enjoy sex and you strive for it like every other man out there. It is deeply rooted in our biology. What about women? Well this one is harder to grasp, especially for men who haven’t had many sexual encounters with women... but women do indeed love and need sex. But let me convince those of you who still have a hard time understanding how much women care about getting laid. •



Sex toys: think about it, when it comes to sex toys, women have far more options than we have – which means that there is a bigger market for female sex toys than there is for male sex toys. Have you seen those insane dildos on the market? Crazy stuff if you ask me. Magazines: what about female magazines? Get one today, and let me know if you find so much as one magazine designed for females that does not contain at least three pages of sex and relationships.



• •

Books: what about female books? The most sold book to females these days is 50 Shades of Grey, which basically is about a weak BDSM encounter. Garbage book, I say, but it makes you realize a few things. Television: what about TV shows? Most women watch the famous Sex and the City, which basically is all about fashion, drama and sex… and even more sex. Clothes: women are really into fashion because they want to look good. Do you have any idea how much time they spend in front of a mirror trying to look good? This is because they want to attract potential mates!

Sex is a very strong need that affects our everyday behavior. Sex is, in my opinion (and most scientists would agree), one of our biggest needs. So let me ask you now: does it now make sense that a man who is perceived by females as a sexual being (“a sexual man”) is also the most attractive one?

How Sexual Framing Works We often refer to framing and frame control when we are talking about seduction and picking up women. A frame is referred to the underlying meaning of the interaction. This meaning defines the perception a girl will have of you (which again defines her behavior toward you). You should never ask how to set a frame, because every interaction you are having in your everyday life consists of framing. The better question is – how do you set the right frames (or at least your desired frame)? This is what we will cover here. When you talk to your mother, there is a certain frame, and when you talk to some friends, there is another one. The content of the interaction is different, and so the frame changes. If you perceive the women you are talking to as female friends, the frame you will set is “I am a friendly guy” frame. As a result, you will get friend zoned instantly. The reason many men get friend zoned is that they actually believe that being friendly to a women is the gateway to her heart – so here we see how their beliefs affects the outcome (which we will get back to in a minute). The problem is that the friendly guy will start treating a woman like a friend, which again will affect the frame, and so the outcome – her behavior toward that guy. However, we all know that the pathway to a woman’s heart runs through her vagina. By knowing this and understanding this at a fundamental level, you may treat women as sexual beings.

Here are some example of beliefs an attractive, sexual man can have – I will share another small list later on in this post: 1. That you understand and accept that women love sex. 2. That good sex is important to women. 3. That sex is the pillar of every type of sexual relationship (everything from one-night stands to monogamous marriages). With such beliefs in mind, you start looking differently at woman, which affects the way you communicate with them. If these beliefs reflect your perceptions of women, then be sure that they will affect the way you communicate. This will again affect the frame, because you will start having interactions with women with the underlying purpose of leading it to something beautiful – namely, sex – because you now believe women seek this. The frame will now become a sexual one – because you are now communicating a different underlying meaning. When your frame is sexual, it will affect a woman’s perception of you – you are now perceived not as a friend, but as a sexual man, who understands her sexual needs.

This will typically lead to a completely different outcome than if you interacted with her as a potential friend – i.e., a “friendly frame”. Okay; I understand this might be hard to grasp. Let me explain what I’ve just gone over in a very simplified model, so you can get an idea how your beliefs affect your actions and their outcomes: 1. Belief: perception of women (i.e. women love sex). 2. This belief affects the way you will communicate with a girl (i.e. you will treat like a sexual being). 3. This will define the underlying meaning of the conversation with her – set the frame (a sexual frame). 4. As a result of the frame set, her perception of you will be defined (i.e. a man you understand women’s sexual needs – a sexual man). 5. Her perception of you will define the way she will behave toward you. Some perceptions are more attractive than others. Being perceived as a sexual man is probably the most attractive one.

Let us now dig deeper into the connection between beliefs and framing / sex talk – the relationship between internal and external perspectives on this. We will cover the gap between having certain beliefs to creating a perception of you in her mind. This section is about understanding how our beliefs affect our interactions. We will also cover how to convey our beliefs – in other words, we will analyze how to use sex talk to set the right sexual frames.

The Beliefs As we just covered, in order to set a sexual frame, you need to start off by having the right beliefs. This is where your belief system comes in.

The way systematic seduction works is that you have certain beliefs that define you – define whom you are – which you will now convey to a woman. This will give her a perception of who you are, and if her perception of you is attractive in her eyes, then she will (obviously, and necessarily) become attracted to you. Lots of things are attractive, such as looks, attitude and posture. But personality also matters; our personality is heavily defined by our belief system. So in order to convey an attractive personality, you need to convey attractive beliefs – your attractive beliefs. Therefore, we need some good beliefs that we would like to communicate. I am planning to write a more detailed post concerning the beliefs and the mindsets of “the sexual man” in the near future (as there are many of them), but I will give you a handful of beliefs that you can use today: 1. I know that women love sex. 2. I understand that women hide their sexual needs because they are afraid of getting judged. 3. I know women like dirty and kinky sex – because that is what is hot. These beliefs will affect your behavior toward women, and set the frame.

Using Sex Talk to Communicate Your Beliefs The next step is basically about conveying your belief system – setting the frame in a conversation into a sexual one. For example, you can convey that you are aware of the fact that women love sex. A good way to convey this is to treat a woman like a sexual being; for instance, touching a girl without remorse, or by actually directly stating that, “Hey babe, you can’t fool me; I know women love sex.” This way, you are communicating your beliefs. This is what the techniques and tactics of “game” are basically all about. Here is a short list on how you can communicate the following (there are of course many other ways to do the following): • • •

Nonverbally, treating her according to how you perceive her (according to your beliefs). You can engage in sex talk and pretty much state your own beliefs concerning women and sexuality. Talking about your beliefs indirectly – talking about women in the light of your beliefs.

Here’s an example of using sex talk to communicate your beliefs about women and set the proper sexual frame:

You: I know you women are acting like all you girls are looking for are nice men who treat you well. You act like all you seek so passionately is love. I believe sex actually plays a much higher role than love, I think you women wants to fuck just for the sake of fucking. Her: I actually prefer having sex with a boyfriend. For me sex without love is bad! You: I understand what you mean, sex with an emotional connection is special: there is so much intimacy, trust and a strong connection. However, let me ask you, why do most women enjoy fucking their dildos? Are you in love with your dildo? [you don’t want to come across as offensive or attacking her so-called values, so make sure you communicate that you agree with some of her points in order to avoid her responding in a defensive way. After that feel free to chime in with your argument. This is called pacing and leading] Her: [laughs] No, I am not in love with it. Well, I like my toys a lot! You: Then you can have sexual pleasures without love? I admit that sex with a strong emotional connection is nice, but having sex with a stranger is different – but still as good: no complications; the experience of fucking a stranger; and the fact that nobody knows him is just awesome, don’t you think? Her: Yeah, okay, I agree… but …[the "but" added in there by her so as not to lose face] You: Talking about dildos… What kind of dildos do you have? Do you have some funny ones [no point in making her lose face, you got you point out; now move on]? Let us go for another example, with another example woman: You: You women are like double-edged swords! Her: What makes you say that? You: Well, on one side, I know that you all love sex – it is a necessity that you do, else our species would die out. Her: That’s true; I like the way you lay it out. You: But women still act like they don’t like sex; whenever a man makes a move they hold themselves back; this is because they are afraid of the slut label. I completely understand that; because you, like me, care about your social status. [showing your understanding] Her: Indeed! You: But it is still so unfair that women can’t express freely their true love for something as beautiful as sex!

Her: Oh my god! You are so right! [women love this one – I’ve never once had a bad reaction from using this line] I feel a third sex talk and sexual framing example might do us good: You: Do women actually prefer threesomes with two men or one man and a woman; share your opinion, I am very curious about it. [obviously you are indirectly communicating that you perceive women as sexual beings by asking this question. Again, wait a little till you know she is a little into you and you’ve gotten a little rapport before asking such questions] Her: I personally prefer a threesome with one girl and one man! When you communicate your beliefs, you will set a frame. This time you communicate according to your beliefs around sex. Your communication was then mostly sex talk about sex. As a result, you will frame the interaction sexually – you will set the sexual frame. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS: You set a sexual frame by communicating your beliefs around sexuality.

Her Perception of You From setting a sexual frame, she will create a perception of whom you are. Her perception of you will: •





Create attraction: if that perception of you is attractive, then she will become attracted: as we have already covered, sexuality is important to most human beings. Therefore, a sexual man is attractive in a woman’s eyes as he can cover one of her most fundamental needs. The more fundamental and important the need is, the more she will seek it. Create rapport: if there is a connection between her personality and the personality she perceives in you then rapport will be created. 99% of the female population loves sex. Most women have social reputation management concerns, which mean that they hide their sexual behavior in order to not be judged by our society. Most women like dirty sex (again, why is 50 Shades of Grey a bestselling book?). By communicating all this you will be creating strong rapport with her, because you are understanding and liberating something truly fundamental about her that normally she needs to suppress. Create expectations: she knows what to expect from you. As you are being perceived as a sexual man and a sexual man only, she knows that if she sticks with you, sex and only sex is the possible outcome. Therefore, she will either leave or go to bed with you. But as sexual men are rare (as most men believe women are asexual beings), she will most likely grab her chance and have sex with you. Odds of last-minute resistance occurring are minimized, because when you do make a move on her, it is expected.



Make her horny: obviously being a sexual man makes girls horny: behaving like one by touching her, or by employing sex talk, very rapidly makes a woman horny.

How to Use Sex Talk, Sexual Beliefs, and Sexual Frames 1. Your beliefs concerning sexuality define your views around women, and about sexuality in general. 2. Your beliefs affect the way you communicate to women. In this case, with sexual beliefs, you will communicate in a much more sexual way. 3. The way you communicate with women affects the frame. It will in this case, with sex talk and sexual nonverbal communication, set a sexual frame. 4. The frame will affect her perception of you. In this case, with a sexual frame set, a woman will perceive you as a sexual being. 5. Her perception of you will affect the way she treats you – behaves around you. In this case, where she perceives you as a sexual being, she will treat you like a sexual man – which will most likely lead to sex. There is a lot more to be said about sex talk, sexual beliefs, and sexual framing. Of course, there are a few details lacking, but do not worry; there will be a whole bunch of other posts concerning these topics coming from me. I will in the next rounds go more in detail on finer grain specifics of sexual framing and the like. But, like everything else in this world, we have to start somewhere – and this is just the beginning. Until next! Alek

Escalation Windows

by Chase Amante Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Just received the following email from a reader, who was kind enough to allow me to reprint here, preferring to remain anonymous. He asks: Hey Chase, I'm not sure if your one to give feedback to random readers of your blog but I was hoping I could get help with this girl. I met her at a party a week ago, and within about 5 minutes of meeting her I was making out with her. We leave the party soon after. I asked her to come back to my place and she declined because she had to get up early which I new was true. So I walk her back to her place and kiss her good night. Flash forward to this weekend where after a week of texting I get her to come over to a small party at my house. I play beer pong with her and talk with her somewhat but she seems very cold. I am able to touch her somewhat but when I do sexual things like touch her butt she moved my hand away. So she left my house pretty abruptly, and becuase I didn't want to see her go that easy I texted her the next day. She basically told me she didn't like me that much in the first place and doesn't want to talk to me anymore, very harsh! I don't know what I did to upset her so much. Also, is it possible to still see this girl again or is it done? Ah, this sounds like something that used to plague me all the time when I was starting out. It feels super-confusing when it happens to you, too – why on Earth would a girl who really, really liked you one night suddenly pull a complete 180 and be cold to you the next time you saw her? It’s bizarre and mystifying to us, because as men we don’t act that way. Either we like a girl, or we don’t like her. We don’t really, really like her, and then suddenly we hate her guts and treat her like a leper. It does not compute with us. What causes this reaction in women, though, is in fact the making of the most painful mistake you can realize you’ve made in seduction – having a girl who wanted you but with whom you missed the window to bed her in.

Escalation Windows and Auto-Rejection An escalation window is the name for that period of time you have to move things forward with a girl. That is, it’s the moment where you can get a girl to talk to you, get her to move around

with you, get her to go sit somewhere with you, get her to go home with you, get her to kiss you, get her to get intimate with you. And the thing with these windows is, most of the time, they don’t stay open long.

In social circle, these windows don’t stay open terribly long, and if you miss them you get slotted into the friend zone, which it’s always going to be a hell of a long slog to try and carve yourself out of and it’s always easier to just meet a new girl. Easier to just go buy a new drinking glass than try to glue together a shattered old one. With a cold approach, or something close to it – any avenue really where you’re meeting women you don’t have strong social ties to and aren’t going to see on a reasonably regular basis – the window for escalation is even smaller, and women are less forgiving of failure to hit that window. Women you meet during cold approach often don’t have the social ties to still want to be nice to you after a window’s been missed; they’ll shut down and go cold and just pure resent you for not having given them what they wanted and needed. You become something of a reminder of their inability to get what they wanted. When attainability drops too low – when a girl reaches a point where she feels like she just can’t get what she wants with you – she’ll go into something called auto-rejection, or self-rejection, which is where she, sensing that you don’t want her and won’t give her what she wants, will reject you first to prevent you rejecting her and her suffering that blow to her ego that accompanies rejection. You can see this in yourself: have you ever gone up to talk to a girl, thinking, “Wow, she’s gorgeous!” only to have her shoot you down in a really cold way? You likely walked away,

muttering something to yourself like, “Bah, who wants to have anything to do with a horrible person like that anyway?” That’s auto-rejection; she probably isn’t actually a horrible person, but now you think she’s bad and evil because it helps you justify why you aren’t with her. You aren’t with her because clearly there’s something wrong with her. Women go through this too. If you take the example above from our reader, here’s a guy this girl was making out with in a party and whom she left the party with. Girls don’t leave parties with guys they’ve just met whom they’re only hoping to be friends with. She left the party because she wanted to sleep with him. When it didn’t happen, she most likely went home miffed at not getting what she wanted, went into auto-rejection, and started thinking to herself what a dreadful guy this guy she met was and how she didn’t actually like him at all.

Recognizing Auto-Rejection and Avoiding It You know you’re dealing with auto-rejection when a girl who was previously very warm with you gets very cold. I remember this girl I really liked in college – she was this beautiful, smart Italian-American girl with a vivacious personality, a tiny waist, and the most perfect breasts I’d seen all year. Oh man, I had it bad for her. And I managed to flirt with her enough in class to win her over, and she started flirting with me pretty hard and even called me up one night to allegedly gripe about something in class and tell me that this was her cell phone number. But this was back in the days before I’d even begun forcing myself out to meet girls, and I was still a big knucklehead when it came to women, and wasn’t sure what to do, so I did… nothing. And then the beautiful Italian girl just went ice cold on me. I’d run into her and try to flirt with her, same as I’d been doing, and she’d be dead serious with me and not warm and flirtatious and talkative like she used to be and she just had no time for me anymore. It drove me nuts, and never was able to fix it with her back then, but it forced me to start realizing that if you didn’t get a girl in a certain period of time, you’d lose her forever. As noted earlier though, with girls you don’t know well, that time is not drawn out over months, as it was for me with that girl in my class I saw three days a week, but rather compressed into an evening, or hours, or sometimes even minutes. In “She Doesn’t Even Need to Know Your Name,” I mention a girl I left the bar I met her at with somewhere between 15 and 20 minutes after I’d first met her back in December. Which sounds like it must’ve been really easy, right? And indeed, it was very straightforward. But there were three moments in the quarter of an hour or so we spent together in that bar where an escalation window opened very briefly, and I leapt at it and moved things forward. Had I missed any of those three windows, we would not have slept together that night. For instance, when I pulled her at the end, she asked me one question (“Where are you staying?”) after not having asked me anything else about myself since I first met her. My brain quickly ran through a few scenarios, and decided that if I tried to stay any longer and keep talking to her, the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere, I’d miss the window, and she’d go

cold and walk away, meet someone else, or go home. So, I stood up and told her to come with me and I’d show her the place I was staying at, and we went back there and became lovers. The less a girl knows you, the more you must move fast with her. With girls in social circle, you can afford to dally a bit (though still not too long… if she’s on the market, it’s a safe bet that you’re probably not the only guy she’s available to, so if there’s another guy she likes who moves faster than you do, you’re out of luck); with girls you meet through cold approach, you’re afforded far less leeway. You must move fast. Moving fast and hitting escalation windows is the only way to avoid getting mired in autorejection. And it makes your life far easier, too: move fast with a girl who wants you, and you get together quickly, become lovers, and are happy together. Miss escalation windows with a girl who wants you, and suddenly she hates your guts, is acting cold to you, and you’re doing an extremely delicate balancing act simply trying to get her back close to the same level of warmth to you she had before when she was available to you and open to becoming yours. It’s easier to buy a product when it’s still on the shelves than trying to get your hands on it somehow when it’s sold out and off the market and you’re scrambling around trying everything you can think of to get your hands back on it. You know the old phrase: He who hesitates is lost. We might rephrase it a bit here to say: “He who hesitates has lost the girl.”

Pushing for the Close Back to our good reader. He did ask for the close and asked this girl who left the party to join him at home, but she declined, saying she was tired. So why did she still go cold on him? What often happens with women is that they want to be able to be a little coy and say “no” a few times and have the man persist until they “break” and go along with him. They don’t actually break, of course; if they really didn’t want to go with him, they’re not going to go with him against their will just because he asked five times instead of two. This is what we discussed in the post on “The Last 5%;” pushing for the close in the end and steering things to success in that critical final juncture. The most painful failed seductions you’ll have are the ones where the girl was yours but you didn’t push for it at the end and she slipped through your fingers. Getting intimate with a man is a big decision for most women, and big decisions are like this. People sometimes get cold feet even with things they really know they want to do, and it’s your responsibility to help them stick to what they want and steer them through the rough patches.

Think of a man about to get married who starts feeling unsure, or a couple about to buy a new car that get gun-shy right before they pull the trigger and sign the contract. Think the bride-to-be is going to stand there on her wedding day and tell her bridegroom, “Oh, it’s okay, we can just do this later and you can think about it,” or that the car salesman is going to take the pen away from the couple about to sign the contract and tell them, “You know what, you can always take some time and come back later and we’ll just do it then?” Of course not. Because what do you think will happen if they do? That’s right, the bridegroom probably will never marry the bride, and the couple probably will never buy the car. Even if they were 98% sure they wanted it before, being that close to the edge and not jumping in makes them look back and say, “Well, I must’ve had a good reason for not doing it when I was right about to.” As the man, it’s your responsibility to lead the women who like you to intimacy. Many women have mental walls they need you to help them overcome to get there, and doing that may include being persistent and allowing them to save face so that they can later say, “Well, I told him I was tired, but he still insisted on me coming home with him anyway and it just happened! I tried to get out of it!” When I was first training myself up as a persistent guy, it helped me to imagine myself as a Latin or Italian man romancing some ravishing belle. In America, men are trained not to be pushy, so we’re much more hands off and if a woman says, “No, I have to get up early tomorrow,” we just accept it and back down, even if that’s not what she wanted us to do. Can you picture a Latin man or an Italian man letting it stand at just one refusal? Italian: Come with me, bella donna! Girl: Alas, I cannot, I must rise early tomorrow. Italian: Oh, okay. Silliness! Here’s how a romantic man runs this interaction: Lover: Come with me, let’s have a nightcap before we call it a night. Girl: Ah, I can’t, I have to get up early tomorrow. Lover: You can come with me. We’ll spend but thirty minutes, then you can go. Girl: But I’m tired! Lover: The night must not end too soon! Thirty minutes; let’s go. Girl: Okay… Be prepared to persist up to ten or fifteen times if necessary, unless she is absolutely firm in her refusal to join you. If she’s waxing back and forth and clearly on the fence, that means she’s still open to the idea. Don’t settle for a fuzzy “no” when you can get an “okay” instead. Remember too that people will rationalize and justify whatever decision they make. Buy something you didn’t intend to buy? “Well, I was there and it just looked good.” Really wanted to take a trip, but you didn’t end up going? “Eh, I didn’t really want to go there that bad.”

Women do the same thing with men, so you really must move quickly to avoid this happening to you. “I didn’t really like him all that much anyway,” is the last thing you want a girl thinking about you. Get together with her quickly to avoid this. Just another reason why you can’t afford to be putting things off.

Coming Back from Auto-Rejection and Missed Escalation Windows Our reader did almost everything right with his girl. He got her excited about him; he moved things forward very quickly and got her out of there with great speed, and he invited her home. I might recommend not kissing her until she’s home with him, just because it generally makes girls get a bit more resistant to coming home with you because it makes them think, “Wait, we’ve kissed; what are we going to do when we get home? Oh no, I don’t want to look like a slut!” whereas girls you haven’t kissed are still just thinking, “Ooh, I really like this guy… I wonder what will happen or if he will do anything if I go home with him?” So you have a bit more management to do with girls you’ve kissed than you do with girls you haven’t kissed. But the kissing didn’t really hurt him all that much; she still left the party alone with him. The only reason he did not sleep together with his girl that night was because of the missed window to persist with her and close out on that last 5% of the seduction at the end. Otherwise, his speed and decisiveness is excellent. None of that matters though when she looks back on the interaction and gets resentful for not getting what she was after that night. All she sees is a night she went out likely wanting to find an attractive man to sleep with, a man she met and was attracted to and left a party with and thought she was going to get together with, and then nothing happening at the end of the night… and she feels bitter about that. How do you recover from such a situation? Not by chasing. Chasing only makes it worse. When she’s feeling bitter and resentful and telling herself that she doesn’t like you and didn’t really want you anyway, running after her and working to try and get her won’t turn things around; it’ll only make them worse. Unfortunately, there’s actually no solid answer on how to recover from a mistake like this, and also unfortunately it’s one of the questions I hear the most: “How do I fix it with this girl who went cold on me?” It sucks, I know, I’ve been there more times than I can count. But just like it’s easier to avoid a car accident than it is to fix a mangled wreck, and it’s easier to keep a job you already have than it is to get back one you’ve lost, so it is with girls who like you: it’s far, far, FAR easier to get a girl if you get her while she still likes you, than it is to try and turn things around and find a way to get her after the window has closed.

I have turned it around with a handful of girls I’ve lost, and come close with a few others. But when a window closes, it is almost always absolute. You can bring it back if it’s just closed and you realize it; for instance, if you say something and she feels like you’re rejecting her and she gets snippy and says, “Fine, you know what, I’m over you,” and goes to leave and you stop her and you’re very warm with her without being needy or apologetic and you get her back feeling good again. But if time passes and she spends hours or days or weeks stewing over how much she hates your guts… 999 times out of 1000 you won’t turn it around. I’ve made concerted efforts to turn things around with a few elite caliber girls I’d lost in the past, and one of the girls I successfully turned things around with became my girlfriend for a few years. At the time, I truly believed she was worth putting in the effort to try and turn things around with, and I was right. I recommend if you’re going to put the time and effort and mental footwork into trying to turn things around, you only do so with a girl who seems very, very worth it, because this has effects on you, too: the more time you spend working on a girl and investing time and effort in her, the more highly you will value her. You don’t want to risk making yourself start obsessing over some sub-par gal; I’ve seen that happen and it’s ugly (the guy usually ends up saying, “I don’t know what it is, she isn’t that great, I know, but I have all these feelings for her and I just can’t stop thinking about her!”). If you’re going to risk falling for a girl, make sure you think she’s worth it. That said, if you go the route of attempting a turnaround, these are the elements I believe you must have to turn things around with a girl in auto-rejection you’ve missed windows with: •

Total confidence and self-assurance. You must know without question that you are the best possible thing that could happen to her life, because she no longer believes this and will fight this belief and unless yours is stronger than hers, you will not change her mind.



Ability to express warmth and sadness without neediness or supplication. Kiss up to a girl, chase her, or act needy toward her or supplicate to her or apologize to her and you lose her for good or get slotted into nice-guy friend-zone land. You must show her that you care about her, and are sad that she is hurt / upset / leaving you / not spending time with you, but you must do it in an incredibly strong, completely non-needy way.



Time and exposure. You need to be physically around this girl. In most cases, you absolutely have to be around her so she can get some time being with you in your presence and reset her feelings toward you that built up in her when you were not around; e.g., she sees you in person and starts thinking, “Actually, he’s quite warm and not as horrible a person as I’ve been tagging him as.”

Additionally, there’s one, less simple, alternative to this, which is: •

Eloquence and knowing her very well. If you both know her very well and you have a very good, very eloquent way with words, you may be able to turn things around over the phone, via text message, or in person. Some of the turnarounds I’ve had have come via text or email when I was able to show, in a very non-needy but still very warm way, that

I cared about the girl and knew a great deal of things about her that no one else knew and that I understood why she had to go but that I was sad and would miss her. If this seems extreme and hard… it is. Auto-rejection is one of the toughest situations to try and fix out there. The odds are stacked highly against you; it isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be like climbing Everest. The few times you see guys turn things around with girls they lost, it’s always a great story, and it seems like a triumphant moment, and the reason that is is because it’s so rare and almost never happens.

Light at the End of the Tunnel Fortunately, this isn’t all sadness and loss and pain and hopelessness. Chances are, there are probably several hundred thousand to several million available women living in whatever city you’re in; even if you’re in a medium-sized town, there are going to be at least 10,000 to 20,000 women your age available. So so long as you keep meeting new women, you keep getting chances to do things right. It took me years of messing things up before I started getting my act together and consistently springing at escalation windows whenever I saw them. For me, I used to spend a lot of time deliberating, telling myself, “It’s too soon to do something, if I do it might be too fast for her and maybe she’ll leave!” so I wouldn’t do anything, thinking I’d wait until later or the next date or next week sometime, and then I’d lose the girl and never see her again. Eventually this happened to me enough that I my thought process flipped to, “If I don’t move fast enough with this girl, I’m going to lose her and never see her again! I’ve got to try and get together with her now!” Hopefully you’re not as hardheaded as I am and it takes you less time / fewer hard lessons to learn this one than it did me. That’s the way it goes though. You get fired from a few jobs, and you feel sad that you lost those jobs and can’t get them back, but you learn to do better at your next job. You wreck a few cars by driving carelessly, and you mourn the loss of those vehicles, and do a better job handling your next car. You lose a few girls by moving too slow and not persisting enough and missing escalation windows, and you feel bad about these girls going cold on you, but you resolve to do better next time and move faster and persist like a romantic man would and give these girls what they want from you: a night of passion and romance and satisfaction. That’s the light at the end of the tunnel: you learn, get better, and improve. Oh, and our reader? I wrote him back recommending that he mostly focus on simply continuing to meet more girls, and he tells me that last Friday he threw a party at his house and did just that, sleeping with a cute new girl he met that night. Here’s to your success, present and future, brother ;) Chase Amante

Re: Persisting Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 11 September 2011

Hey M, Two things on this one: 1. Of course make sure you're persisting in a very cool, calm, charismatic and persuasive way. There's a lot of salesmanship in it! If you're doing it right ("Let's get out of here and go grab a nightcap; we can chill and relax and kick back a drink") it sounds a lot more appealing than if you're not ("Come on, let's go back to my place"). This is especially important when insisting -- you'll often have to get firm as things progress ("Yes -come! It will be fun. Yes, you know you want to come. We'll have a very nice drink and relax. Come now. Yes, come"). 2. The girls who end up "hating" you were not girls you "lost." Girls who like you either A) come with you when you ask them to, or B) are flattered and excited that you tried to make something happen with them (because that's ultimately what they want, too). The girls that hate you when you push are the ones who were looking for you to be a guy who could help them and support them and be their friend -- not for you to be their lover. In other words, be cool about it, but don't stress the ones you lose -- they weren't going to be a productive use of time (at least when it comes to getting lovers and relationships) anyway. They wanted a man to dote on them and provide for them, or to be their guy pal. Chase

Take Women to Bed: Successful Physical Escalation

by Chase Amante Wednesday, 16 February 2011

A week ago one of the readers of this blog, Alex, requested I get a post up on physical escalation and getting on with the seduction once you’ve got a girl back somewhere private. Alex’s comment: As for inviting her home, I would really love to see a post about transitioning to getting physically when she's at my place. Do you kino a lot before you invite her home or leave it like kissing for the right/better moment when two of you are all alone? Do you do more comfort stuff to make her feel connected and comfortable and then maybe some talking about sex topics to make her a little horny, how do you move closer to her both physically and mentally to have sex with her? How do you proceed and from your experience how much kino is needed before trying to sleep with her? Is it even required? On the other side, if there's no kino compliance before

such as careessing, initimate hand holding (you know who puts much emphasis on it), but no problem with for example putting your hand on her lower back when shopping, should I be concerned about it? All very good questions, Alex. I’ll share with you what I’m doing these days, and what I advise guys to do.

Prepping Women for Intimacy The road to a successful seduction starts outside the bedroom. One of the biggest mistakes most men make, in my opinion, is not being sexy. Why do guys do this? A lot of it is a focus on reactions instead of results; a guy gets more positive feedback from girls when he’s harmless and friendly than he does when he’s dangerous and edgy. Most guys train themselves to get maximal positive feedback and go the harmless and entertaining friendly guy route. Which, yeah, that’ll get you lots of girls smiling and laughing and paying you attention… but not a whole lot of them breathing heavy and fantasizing about you bedding them as soon as humanly possible. So the first step is being sexy in general. A good starter for that one is “How to be a Sexy Man;” that’ll give you the main points to focus on for developing that aspect (sexiness) of yourself. Chase frames also come in quite handy in this regard, though nothing beats improving your core, base sexiness. The improvements in your passive traits and characteristics tend to be the ones that have the biggest long-term impact. Chase frames, when used correctly, can either compliment your base sexiness, or compensate for a lack of development in sexiness; you can use them to effectively position yourself as a sexual man even if you aren’t necessarily all that sexy by default yet. But truly, there’s no real substitute for actually being sexy; you must work on this. Until you get to where you want to get, though, chase frames can help. You do not want to be obvious. Chase frames are all about subtlety; alluding to sexual topics without directly broaching them. What many guys do wrong is they blatantly discuss sex in the hopes that this will somehow get women turned on. But women don’t work that way. Keep this rule in mind: Talking about sex does not equal being sexy. The two are different things. Talking about sex is usually either A) crude and disgusting (if done poorly), or B) interesting and conversationally stimulating (if done properly). Neither of those is, however, arousing. Sex talk can be arousing – but only if done by a sexy man. But a sexy man doesn’t need sex talk to get women turned on. Therefore, sex talk in and of itself is largely irrelevant and only something I’d recommend using if you’re already using it and seeing results out of it. You can play around with it if you like; who knows, maybe it’ll get you some results.

Typically though, it doesn’t really help, and can often hinder – by putting women on alert and causing them to raise their guards. You see, there are a few different ways to broach sex, and they basically look like this: •

Seriously, rationally, logically, and directly. When you broach sex serious, as a serious topic, whether in a sexy way or not, you are forcing a woman to think about it logically and make a logical decision. The fact is that most women have a lot of issues around sex (such as what their friends will think, about trying to keep their numbers down and not sleep with too many men, about what the man they’re with will think about them if they sleep with him too quickly, etc.), so when the issue is broached seriously and logically, they’re forced to address it and come to a logical decision about it. So when a guy starts talking about sex itself with a woman, her brain goes, “Oh. He’s talking about sex. He must want sex with me. Do I want sex with him?” The problem that occurs here is now the mixing of logic and emotions. Her logical brain asks, “Do I want sex with him?” Then, her emotional brain responds: “Well, let’s see… I’m not turned on. I’m not horny right now. So… no, I don’t want sex with him.” And this is almost invariably what happens when sex is broached in a serious, direct, and logical manner: women consider sex with the man discussing it with them, then rule against him. I’ve had it happen to me more times than I can count; it’s unfortunate, but that’s how it generally works. There is only a very small minority of women – the very open-minded kind, with zero hang ups about sex – who are able to ask themselves, “Do I want sex with him?” and come back with the answer, “Well, I’m not turned on, but hey, why not? It’s worth a shot.” That’s maybe 1 – 2% of the female population. The rest of women you lose when you go serious and logical.



Humorously, emotionally, and indirectly. Have you ever been in a relationship and had a girl joke about marriage or babies? Like, you’re sleeping with her and cumming in her without condoms and at some point she jokes, “We probably ought to start thinking about where we’re going to put the crib.” You probably laugh about this, maybe feel mildly alarmed and start acting more responsible, but certainly don’t hate the girl for it. Now imagine you’re seeing a girl who goes logical and serious on you: “Do you want to make me pregnant? If you get me pregnant, you’re going to have to marry me.” Yikes. Scary, right? This is the difference between directly and indirectly broaching sensitive topics conversationally. There are a number of reasons why indirect works so much better here; I’d list them out, but that’d be a blog post in its own right. Suffice it to say that the girl feels far less put upon when you’re indirect about sex, and a lot of the mystery is preserved. Look again at that indirect comment about the baby: does the girl want you to get her pregnant and marry her or not? You can’t really be sure from that, so her intentions are somewhat mysterious. This is the best way to approach something where people have conflicting emotions (e.g.,