His Secret Obsession

His Secret Obsession

Secret Obsession Text Message Formulas Copyright © 2016 by Blink Publishing LLC All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. Warning and Disclaimer Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as possible, but no warranty is implied. The information provided is on an “as is” basis. The author and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damages arising from the information contained in this book. Nothing in this book constitutes, or is meant to constitute professional advice of any kind. If you require advice in relation to any legal, financial, psychological, or medical matter you should consult an appropriate professional. Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for entertainment purposes. As our products are for entertainment purposes only, they are NOT to be considered as legal, medical, psychological or professional advice. By purchasing our products or using our website, you must agree that James Bauer is NOT providing you with any medical or psychological counsel.



Module 1: The Secret Longing of Every Man Module 2: The Unspoken Desire He’ll Never Admit Module 3: Make Him See the Light Module 4: The Fascination Trigger Module 5: Why Men Say, “I’m just not ready” Module 6: How Your Desires Can Fascinate Him Module 7: The Secret Currency of Happy Relationships Module 8: Rocket Fuel: How to Build Relationship Momentum Fast Module 9: How to become His Secret Obsession Module 10: Get Deeper Intimacy by Revealing More Module 11: Three Things That Can Go Wrong (and how to fix them) Part II: How to Use the Signals Module 12: “The Private Island” Signal Module 13: The “X-ray Question” Module 14: The Glimpse Phrase Module 15: The Secret “Currency” Of Happy Relationships Module 16: The “I Owe You” Signal Module 17: The “Damsel in Distress” Signal One More Thing… Text Message Formulas Why Texting? How “Curiosity Phrases” Can Keep Him Engaged How to Create Curiosity Triggers When You’re Apart Texting Your Life Story

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct

INTRODUCTION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~ Lao Tzu Personal development takes courage. When you chose to embark on this journey with me, you made a choice that tells me something about you. You have courage. And I’m willing to bet that at least some of that courage comes from your ability to love deeply. In fact, you probably have someone in mind right now. Someone who brings out the courage to love with all your heart. I hope that is the case. Because there are few things more beautiful. Relationships are beautiful. So, for me, it is a great honor to be invited into your relationship world. Let’s begin by talking about how to use the hero instinct. You’ve heard it works. And something about it just makes sense based on your own life experiences. So you’re probably eager to use it on your man. That makes perfect sense. In fact, there’s nothing that would make me happier. But first, I want to ensure you understand one key to making the hero instinct work. Page 4

SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct

If you want this principle to transform your relationships, it’s crucial that I first let you in on a secret. It’s the secret ingredient that brings the Hero Instinct to life. Here’s the secret. The hero instinct is actually a bridge. It’s not a technique. It’s not a trick you “use on a man.” It’s not something you use once and then watch to see if it will fix all current and future relationship problems. Rather, it’s a special kind of bridge between a man and a woman. It allows men and women to find common ground and form a deep emotional connection. Let me show you how that happens. Men and women both want relationships. But they desire different things from relationships. And here’s where the hero instinct changes everything. It bridges the gap between his desires and your desires. It makes it possible for both partners to experience the most satisfying and exhilarating romance. The hero instinct builds the intensity of your relationship. It does that by ramping up desire. And by giving you the ability to meet that desire as it arises in your relationship. Don’t worry if you don’t understand how that works right now. I’ll be walking alongside you and explaining everything as we go through this course material step-by-step. In fact, I should emphasize that the hero instinct is not a bridge you cross once. Rather, it’s a bridge you create over and over again. I want this bridge to become a well-worn path in your relationship.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct If we look at this bridge one year from today, I want to see evidence that you and your man have traipsed across it over and over, leaving a well-worn path. Because if you do that, something amazing is going to happen. You’re going to discover the kind of passion so many people long for, but so few people ever achieve. And the reason is simple. We are drawn toward people who meet our needs. And that’s as true for you as it is for him. Have you ever noticed how some people trigger an extra powerful feeling of attraction inside of you? And sometimes it’s hard to say exactly why? I mean, sure, you could point out one or two features you like about his face. Or you could describe the impression you had of his personality. But there’s often something more. Something that’s hard to describe. That’s the effect we’re going for. When he interacts with you, we want him to feel something powerful. Something that tugs at his instincts. An undeniable desire to have more of you in his life. And that happens when you repeatedly trigger his hero instinct. Triggering his hero instinct is not a one-time event. Rather, it’s a process. It’s a way of interacting that unfolds over time. And that’s why I need to teach you how to create the hero instinct bridge over and over again in lots of different kinds of relationship situations.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Some women, after hearing my story about Rachel, simply ask for the 12 words Rachel texted to her man. They think of these words like some kind of magic spell that they can copy and paste into their own relationship. But it doesn’t work that way. Imagine this was a course about flirting. And I told you the 12 words that worked like magic for someone else at a very specific point in her relationship. And imagine I told you to simply go out and use those same 12 words over and over again whenever you needed to boost the fun and intimacy between you and your man. I’m sure you can see why that would backfire. Flirting is an art form. And it emerges in different ways depending on the flavor of the moment. To be a master of flirting, you must first learn the underlying patterns that make it work. Then you can use that understanding to fluidly weave the magic of flirting into your daily interactions. It’s like that with the hero instinct. There’s an underlying pattern. Learn to perceive it, and you’ll have a special kind of relationship skill. One you can keep on using for the rest of your life. Women who can trigger a man’s hero instinct are able to do so for one reason and one reason alone. They are able to perceive the underlying relationship patterns that make it work. They can create this bridge anytime they want. Because they understand the underlying relationship patterns. And that allows them to create the bridge (seemingly) out of thin air. That’s what I’m going to teach you how to do.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Yes, I’ll give you some examples of exact phrases you can adapt to your situation. But I don’t want you to make the mistake of skipping to those phrases without first learning the principles for success with my method. This guide is really a relationship mastery guide. But it’s focused on one very special kind of relationship power. The power to draw a man toward you. Not by sheer effort. Not through good communication. And not by impressing him. Nope. This power doesn’t come from within. It doesn’t come from your own willpower, beauty, or even your deep ability to love another human being. Rather, it comes from the bridge. The bridge between his needs and your needs. I call it “bridging.” Because when you do it right, it’s a bridge to everything you want.

Bridging: How it Works and Why It Matters Here’s how bridging works. This is the fast and furious version. You’ll get all the details later. But I just want to give you the big picture first. That way, you can see where we’re headed, and why the details matter. Men have this thing called the hero instinct. It’s an instinctual drive that causes him to thrive in certain kinds of relationships. He wants to be with someone who lets him express this instinct. But it’s not just a relationship instinct. The hero instinct impacts many areas of a man’s life. He’s drawn toward opportunities that satisfy his hero instinct. That’s true whether or not those opportunities appear within the context of a romantic relationship. Page 8

SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct In other words, he can get this need met outside the relationship. That’s a big problem. And it’s something you’ll learn more about later in this course. Women thrive in relationships when there’s deep emotional intimacy. Bonding and connection are the rewards women seek from a relationship. In relationships, women want to feel like they matter. Like most women, you want to be at the center of his unfolding life story. You want to build a shared story that becomes more beautiful over time as you build memories together. But here’s the problem. Men don’t always give you a central position in their unfolding life story. Men often treat women as an accessory. A side benefit. A hobby. They do this because their hero instinct needs are being met outside the relationship. In fact, their needs are often better met outside the relationship than within. That’s bad news for a relationship. Yet this is the sad reality I have encountered over and over as a professional relationship coach. Many women actually block a man’s hero instinct. It’s accidental, of course, but the damaging effect is just the same. He feels less passionate. Less interested. And he doesn’t even know why. Fortunately, bridging overcomes this problem. Bridging works by channeling his male instincts toward his relationship with you. Rather than fighting against his instinct (like most women do), you will simply redirect the powerful flow of his hero instinct. This is the essence of bridging. It’s a skill you can learn. A relationship concept you will master over time.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct If you will let me, I would like to be your mentor and guide. I would like to share the secrets of this method with you. You’ve already taken the most important step. You’ve secured lifetime access to this relationship guide, and I hope you’ll come back to it over and over again. But let me remind you of something important. You don’t need to read this entire guide tonight. Because I’m not going to let you simply forget about it. Over time, you will receive plenty of email reminders from me to keep developing your skill. And during the coming weeks and months I will share some of my best ideas with you about relationships. Some of those ideas will be reminders about the methods you’ll discover in this relationship guide. But I have additional material to share with you beyond the contents of this guide. So think of this learning process as a journey. Like most journeys, there will be periods of frustration and disappointment. Right now, you have the initial energy and excitement of discovering something new. And I’m excited for you! But I want to ensure you see this process through. Because it’s the people who persist that write back to tell me about the incredible happiness they’ve found. Here’s what I’ve observed. These observations come from feedback from other women just like you. Women who took this course with a strong will to succeed. They start out with a burst of excitement. They absorb my best ideas from this relationship guide. They begin to look for opportunities to put those ideas to use. Then, disaster strikes. It happens when you’re just starting to get glimpses of the hero instinct. You begin to see it at work in the life of a man you care about. So naturally, you try out a little “bridging.” You try to channel some of that hero instinct.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct And he completely ignores you. Or worse, he looks at you like you have two heads. Please understand that this experience is perfectly normal. The hero instinct has instantaneous effects. But your talent for bridging will develop over time. So when you feel frustrated or disappointed, plan on sticking it out. Because it’s often your very next attempt that surprises you with recurring waves of deep interest and attention from the guy you like. All because of something you almost didn’t say because it didn’t seem like a very big deal. One week your man may seem distracted by work or other concerns. He barely notices you. And your attempts at bridging seem to be going nowhere. Stick with it. Because this is a perfectly normal part of the learning process. And consider this: The times when he does not respond can lead to your greatest breakthroughs for understanding how the hero instinct works. Don’t be surprised if you start to see the pattern shortly after a frustrating experience. You may suddenly feel as though you can turn on or off his energy and interest like a faucet. Those experiences will come if you persist with this method. To make sure you achieve that result, I want you to plan ahead. I want you to take the following phrase and store it in your memory for later use. Every time you get discouraged, I want you to repeat this mantra to yourself: “I don’t want a mediocre relationship, I want an extraordinary one. So I’m willing to do extraordinary things. Right now that means persisting when others would give up.”

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct I once heard a motivational speaker say that 85% of all the success we will experience in life comes down to the quality of our relationships. There are people who succeed at work, wealth, fitness, and many other worthy goals. But none of them feel like a success when their personal relationships are falling to pieces. So I challenge you to put your effort into the things that really matter. Relationships matter. That’s my belief, and I know you share it too, or else you would not be investing in your personal development through a relationship course like this. So the next time you feel disappointed, get right back on the horse. Take a short break if you need, but never let setbacks define the course of your life. Remember the mantra and push forward. Because the real-life benefits of a committed, caring relationship start to really pay off when you push beyond moments of frustration or short-term setbacks.

Permission To Just Be You I want your romantic life to flourish. And I want you to use my relationship secrets to make it happen. Because every time a relationship succeeds, the world becomes a happier place. And the best part? Using my relationship secrets will be fun! I won’t ask you to do anything that doesn’t feel right. There will be no manipulation. No fake stuff. No pretending to be someone you’re not. Dig into this material and I think you’ll agree; you can use these methods and still be 100% true to yourself. We’re going to build your powers of attraction! But to do that, I need to open your eyes so you can see the patterns of the hero instinct.

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct

The hero instinct is at work every time you interact with a man. So I want you to be able to see the pattern! I want you to understand it deeply. That way, you can choose how and when to use it in your relationships with men. And that’s why I need you to commit to something hard. I want you to finish this course. It will take some time and some reading, but it will be worth it. Because if you persist, your mind will begin to see the hidden patterns all around you. Give me enough time to influence your thoughts and you’ll begin to see the pattern for yourself. You’ll see nuances of how everything fits together. You’ll understand how a man thinks. You’ll “get it” in a way others don’t. As a result, you will have the ability to pull at a man’s instincts, inspiring his deep devotion.

What Is the Hero Instinct? The hero instinct is something all men have buried deep within their DNA. It pulls them toward relationship situations that make them feel like a hero. But it’s more than that. It goes to the deepest desire all people feel. The desire for meaning and purpose. You see, unlike women, men don’t automatically get their need met for meaning and fulfillment just by being in a relationship. In fact, a man cannot rest until he gets the feeling that he is rising to a challenge (and finding a niche in life where he feels successful).

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Once in a while, a romantic relationship with a woman meets that need. And let me tell you, those are beautiful relationships. The man pours his heart into that kind of relationship. And as a result, both partners flourish. But that’s extremely unusual in this modern era. Men often get into relationships, but they rarely feel fulfilled in them. And that’s because his hero instinct is pulling him in another direction. It tells him to seek adventure. Or worse, to seek out a different relationship where he can be looked up to as a provider, as a success, as a hero. If his relationship with you does not satisfy the instinctual drives of his hero instinct, there will always be something missing. A part of him will always be trying to pull away. Trying to seek something else, or someone else, even though he may still be in love with you. Rachel’s Story. The day I met with Rachel at the coffee shop, I recognized something missing in her relationship with Mike. But even then, I underestimated how powerful this one missing piece can be. I asked Rachel to try something simple. I wanted her to send Mike a signal. A special kind of signal. One that brought out a different side of him. One that triggered a dormant part of his personality (at least as it related to her). Now, keep in mind, this was just the start. But the signal that triggered Mike’s hero instinct came at just the right moment. Rachel’s twelve words? They were simply this, “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”

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SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Instead of presenting him with a permanent choice, like, “Do you want to start talking again?” she took a shortcut by triggering his hero instinct. Giving a bit of advice is not about the relationship. So it was nonthreatening. Mike asked her why she wanted to talk. She responded, “I need your help.” When he said, “With what?” She responded with, “Making a decision.” When he said, “What kind of decision?” She said, “Something I thought you would know better than me. Do you mind if I call really quick?” He was curious. But he also wanted to step into the helper role she had just laid open before him. He felt drawn to the problem solver role. The hero with special inside knowledge. He felt compelled to respond to her text. And it sparked an interaction that caused his mind to re-open a closed door. You can probably guess why that helps. Once you’ve got your foot in the door, anything is possible. It all started with a simple 12-word text message: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.” Phrases like this seem so simple. Yet they have an amazing amount of hidden power because of the way they control human psychology. It worked for Rachel. It gave her the opening she needed. Mike’s hero instinct was activated. And that was enough to change the way he pictured Rachel in his life. This relationship guide teaches you how to influence his emotions using the Hero Instinct. But imagine the impact you can have once you get really good at this skill! Page 15

SECRET OBSESSION The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct

This course teaches a skill that will be valuable in all your relationships with men for the rest of your life. It’s not just a single idea. It’s a decoding tool that allows you to understand the results you’re getting with the man in your life. As such, this course is like a key. It’s a key that unlocks a whole new world of possibilities for your romantic life. I hope you enjoy your romantic adventure and return to this course several times as the circumstances of your relationship unfold over time. In this relationship mastery course, you’ll learn how a man thinks. You’ll learn about the stuff men never admit they want. And…you’ll begin to see the patterns of the hero instinct all around you. Grab hold of that power now. Take it for yourself. Use it. Let me show you how. Ready? Let’s go…

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PART ONE How the Hero Instinct Works

This course has two main sections. In part one you’ll learn to recognize the hidden patterns of the hero instinct. And you’ll discover how men react to the triggers they experience while interacting with you. Don’t skip part one. It contains the core ideas you’ll need for success. These ideas will form the foundation of your new skill for capturing a man’s romantic desire. In part two you’ll discover specific applications and examples. The modules in part two will make it easier to picture how all the theory unfolds in real life. But just remember one thing. This course is about revealing a pattern. Once you learn to see it, you will never be the same. “All is pattern, all life, but we can’t always see the pattern when we are a part of it.“ Belva Plain

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n

MODULE ONE The Secret Longing of Every Man KEY LESSON You can channel the flow of a man’s deepest passion. Channel it toward his relationship with you. I jerked involuntarily in my sleep, hard enough to bounce my shin off the seat in front of me. The other students in the auditorium were glad for a distraction from the monotony of a Friday afternoon study hall. They all turned to look at me. One of them was Amanda. I suddenly hoped I didn’t have slobber on my face. Or lines running across my forehead. My right arm was asleep. It was too numb to properly wipe my mouth, so my effort resulted in a sort of flailing motion. For once I wished Amanda’s almond-shaped hazel eyes would look away. She was the girl of my dreams. Not the homecoming queen. Not the captain of her volleyball team. But somehow…perfect. She had no flaws. Yet I found her unapproachable at the same time.

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n How could I ever impress a girl like that? I stared at the page of algebra in front of me. But I was seeing something entirely different. It was an earthquake. It shook the walls of the auditorium, doorways crumbling and partially blocked by falling debris. I saw myself taking Amanda by the hand. I knew I could reveal my true self to her in that moment. Because she needed me. I would guide her to safety. The algebra paper stared back at me. I wondered if the ten minutes remaining in the study hall period would be enough to finish the assignment. I was tired of doing homework. I wished something exciting would happen. I wondered if it made me a bad person that I wished an earthquake on the school. The truth? I was bored. I felt like I was made for something more. Would it be so bad if a disaster gave me the chance to be someone’s hero? I was sixteen. And like a thousand generations of boys before me, my hormones were changing my interests and priorities. The unfurling of my genetic code transcribing an ancient path reborn in each young man as he approaches manhood. My hero instinct was awakening. MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE “Since the initial publication of the chart of the electromagnetic spectrum, humans have learned that what they can touch, smell, see, and hear is less than one-millionth of reality.” ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n Reality is not always plain to see. In fact, that is one premise of this relationship course. People feel things, and they don’t always admit what they feel. Sometimes it’s because it would be embarrassing to do so. At other times, they don’t really understand the feeling themselves. That’s what it’s like with the hero instinct. To understand the hero within your man, you must first understand the goal every hero has. You need to understand the secret desire that drives his hero instinct. To learn the goal of the hero is to learn the way men perceive the very experience of life itself. I know that’s a bold statement, so let me explain. What is the secret desire that drives the hero instinct? Is it to find meaning in life? Yes, in part. Is it the desire to rise to his full potential? Certainly, that is a driving force . Is it a need to prove his worth, use his strength, or live an adventurous life? All of these are true, but none is the core essence of what he desires. The core essence—the driving force—is something even more basic. The true driving force is the desire…no the need, to feel something. As a woman, this may surprise you. Men seem so focused on goals and achieving things, so practical and analytical. They seem to miss opportunities to feel things all the time.

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n If that is so, how can the primary goal of the hero instinct be to feel something? As a woman, you draw deep feeling and emotion from relationships. In sharing and bonding, you meet your need for feeling something deep, meaningful, and important. This can also be true for a man, but it’s much less likely to happen. Because his sense of meaning is largely tied up with the hero instinct. It calls to him. And until he satisfies the call of his instinct to do something meaningful, and be something meaningful, all the rest of his emotion is partially locked behind a dam. Each tiny heroic achievement is like a small catharsis of emotion for a man. It makes him feel alive. It’s like a crack in the dam that lets a bit of water flow to the parched land below. Let me stop here for a moment to make sure you understand why this “feeling alive” thing is so important. THE DRIVE TO FEEL SOMETHING Why do you go to the movies? Sometimes, it’s to experience something you could never experience in real life. Sometimes it’s to laugh. Sometimes it’s to be thrilled. But at other times it’s to cry (for example, at a Nicolas Sparks movie like The Notebook).

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n Why are people willing to pay for a two-hour experience that causes them to cry? It’s because of the deep feelings that are touched inside us. The depth of emotion makes us feel truly alive. It’s like that for a man when it comes to the hero instinct. It makes him feel truly alive. When you see him driving after goals that seem to bring him pain, you might wonder why he tries so hard. Why not just relax and recognize the meaningfulness of this happy moment with you? And the answer is that he is seeking catharsis, the emotional release that comes from feeling something powerful and deep. Does this make you jealous? Do you find yourself wishing you could be the trigger that releases his deepest emotions? Well you can be. All you have to do is become a part of his heroic journey. Link yourself to the core of his purpose, meaning, and drive. Let your happiness become the proof of his achievement. With emotions unlocked, you will find him powerfully engaged with you, experiencing deep emotion because of the bond the two of you share. HOW TO USE THE HERO INSTINCT AS A BRIDGE TO YOUR MAN’S HEART To understand his hero instinct, you must understand the three component parts that define it. Here they are in no particular order: • •

The drive for meaningful achievement The drive to be a provider

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n •

The drive to earn respect

Did you ever see the movie, Saving Private Ryan? This movie resonates with men. I want to show you why. Even if you did not like it, please allow me to use it to illustrate how the hero instinct fascinates men. The movie was loosely based on a true story about a United States soldier fighting in World War II. All of the soldier’s brothers had been killed in the war. In 1942, the United States military formed the “Sole Survivor Policy” to prevent any family from having their next generation completely wiped out. It basically said that if a family had lost all but one of their children to war, the last living child would be removed from the dangerous warfront and sent home. In Steven Spielberg’s rendition of the story, Army Ranger Captain John Miller is assigned the job of finding Private Ryan and bringing him home safely. Because his mother was waiting at home, having already lost all her other sons to the war. The movie embodies the best qualities the hero instinct can bring out in men. So remember, Captain Miller was sent to extract Private Ryan and bring him home safely. But near the end of the movie, Captain Miller is wounded and dying, lying on a bridge somewhere in France. He speaks his final words to Private Ryan who kneels beside him. Captain Miller says, “James, earn this. Earn it!” Captain Miller is speaking, of course, of his hope that Private Ryan will live a life that makes his own sacrifice worthwhile.

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n Spielberg’s creative genius grabs the hearts of men by pulling on their hero instinct. We may not cry at relationship romance movies (“chick flicks”), but I can tell you men cry as they witness this pure and selfless example of the hero instinct in all its glory. The camera pans to Private Ryan’s face, which gradually morphs into an older version of the man standing, many years later, at the gravesite where Captain Miller was laid to rest. Private Ryan’s lower lip quivers as he stands alone, speaking to the gravestone, “Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I’ve tried to live my life the best I could. I hope that was enough.” Then Private Ryan turns to his wife who walks up to join him. With tears in his eyes he says, “Tell me I have led a good life. Tell me I’m a good man.” She is moved by his uncommon display of emotion. She says, “You are.” I can’t even tell this story without getting teary-eyed, let alone watch the movie without being deeply moved. I could probably end this example here. I think you probably already understand the significance of this example. But to ensure you understand my point, I will show you plainly what this means about your man and your relationship with him. First of all, the reason this movie struck a chord with so many men is because it captures something deeply meaningful to us, something we have a hard time putting into words. It captures the very essence of the

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n hero instinct. Remember, the hero instinct has three parts: • The drive for meaningful achievement. • The drive to be a provider. • The drive to receive respect. Of these three parts, the movie accounts for two. The first one is the drive for meaningful achievement. Captain Miller gains meaningful achievement by saving the life of a last remaining son. Seeing another man achieve something so deeply meaningful is fascinating to us men. It’s fascinating because Captain Miller achieved the most meaningful thing of all, a heroic act that gave somebody life itself. The other part of the hero instinct triad that is captured in this movie is the third one, the drive to receive respect. Captain Miller acquires Private Ryan’s deepest respect because of his heroic act. In a way, Captain Miller even achieved the drive to be a provider in the sense that he provided safety. The point is, the movies that make your man cry have to do with Spartans, gladiators, and soldiers acting out the hero instinct. While the movies that make you cry have to do with emotional barriers breaking down between lovers in movies like Shall We Dance or The Notebook. It’s one of the ways men and women differ. But to fully explain this Saving Private Ryan example, I have to point out one more thing. The crescendo of the movie ends with the words of a

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n woman, Private Ryan’s wife. He looks to her for verbal affirmation, for respect. Yes, he wants to live up to Captain Miller’s dying command to live a worthwhile life, but it is his partner, his lover to whom he looks when seeking affirmation of having succeeded in doing so. More than anyone else in his life, a man’s romantic partner knows whether or not he has achieved the three drives of the hero instinct. Has his life been meaningful through achievement? Has he succeeded in being a worthy provider? And finally, do you, as his partner, bestow on him the respect he so desperately craves? A man’s relationship with you is impacted by his perception of whether or not the relationship provides fertile ground for sowing seeds and reaping a harvest that yields the three components of his hero instinct. In fact, he will only stay with a woman who seems to do the following three things: 1. 2. 3.

Encourages him to pursue meaningful achievements Gladly accepts his drive to provide for her by sharing her needs and valuing what he has to offer her Demonstrates respect for him because of his ability and willingness to do the two things listed above

Does this list look familiar? It should. It represents the actionable side of the three drives that make up the hero instinct. This is your side of the equation. This is how you can engage his hero instinct. These are your opportunities for channeling his hero instinct toward his relationship with you. Please read the list one more time and

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n commit it to memory. And let me point out something important. You don’t have to do any of these things perfectly. Few women understand the deep power of the hero instinct. As a result, even if you only barely scratch the surface, you’ll see positive results in your relationship. And this is something you’ll only get better at over time. For now, just try to observe the men around you. Watch for opportunities to trigger his hero instinct, but don’t try to do it just yet. After all, you’ve only finished module one so far. I have a lot more to share with you. As you go through this course, let experience be your teacher. Come back to this course over and over again, and each time you’ll notice something different that stands out in your memory because of a recent experience with your man. My point is this. You’ve just unlocked a new tool that can seriously improve your romantic life. But like any tool, you’ll become more comfortable using it over time. Eventually, it will feel natural to you. You’ll become a pro. For now, just try one or two things and don’t get frustrated with yourself if it feels difficult or awkward at first. Persistence is the key.

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T h e S e c r e t Lo n g i n g o f Ev e r y M a n ANCIENT ORIGINS Serow is believed to be the root word behind the modern word, “hero.” The Greek word, heros, originally meant “defender, protector.” By the 1660s, it had come to mean, “a man who exhibits great bravery in any course of action,” according to the online etymology dictionary, etymonline.com. We also take the words servant and protector from that root word serow. Heroes are those who serve the needs of others. Without a need, a man does not feel like a hero. Without feeling like a hero, his genetics switch off the feeling that he is thriving. Then, feelings of discontent try to push him toward something else. And in case you have not already discovered this on your own, you should know something about us men. We are fascinated by “winning.” From the time we are boys, we will not persist at anything for long unless we feel there is at least a possibility we can win at it. Make sure he believes he can win at becoming your hero.

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t

MODULE TWO The Unspoken Desire He’ll Never Admit KEY LESSON His highest goal is to be someone’s hero. But he will never ask you to fulfill that need The Hero Instinct is all around you. You have already encountered his hero instinct. It has already influenced your life in many ways. Much of the pain and sorrow mankind endures can be blamed on the hero instinct. Most of the wars that have been fought across history and across the globe have stemmed from the hero instinct. If you have ever felt angry and lonely after your man tried to “fix” the frustrations you shared with him, apparently unwilling to just “be” with you in your sorrow, you have encountered a man’s hero instinct. Yet the hero instinct is also responsible for many of history’s marvelous moments of discovery, invention, exploration, and selfless acts of courage. When the hero instinct is active, it temporarily changes a man’s very nature. He becomes less selfish. He becomes more determined. He

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t becomes more noble and loyal. But here’s the most important thing I want you to understand… The hero instinct triggers emotions that allow men to relate to others from the heart. Here’s an example. Normally, a man avoids crying, especially in public. But get a veteran talking about a military buddy, and you’ll see a different side of him. Speaking of a military comrade in the grips of the hero instinct can bring a man to tears. And he won’t even feel ashamed about it! This change happens because the hero instinct washes a man’s body with endorphins that make him feel strong and powerful, yet compassionate, focused, and disciplined. Few moments in a man’s life can trump the meaning and significance he finds in achieving a heroic role in someone else’s life. It gives him a sense of significance that goes beyond anything you would imagine. And perhaps most amazing is the way the hero instinct affects you, the woman in his life. You, the person most capable of crushing the fragile inner-workings of the hero instinct. You, the person who can fuel the hero instinct with nothing more than a glance in his direction.

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t We’ll come back to the way his hero instinct involves you and your relationship with him a little later. WHY MEN CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT MOST If you ask a man to explain his highest goal, he will respond by naming a practical achievement, a personal aspiration, or an act of service. Men are conditioned to speak of their highest goal in terms of outcomes, things they hope to do or accomplish. But these responses do not adequately capture the depth of the hero instinct. To speak of the hero instinct is to speak of the actual driving force, the root cause rather than the outcome. While a man talks about an outcome he hopes to achieve, it is only because he lacks the ability to speak of something much deeper. Something that fuels his drive. The truth is, his highest goal is actually to achieve full expression of the hero instinct. In other words, his highest goal is to be someone’s hero. With that introduction, let’s discuss why your seemingly normal guyfriends (and your romantic interest) all secretly crave the hero role. WHY DO “NORMAL” GUYS THINK THEY NEED TO BE A HERO? It is the drive, motivation, and source of a man’s aspiration to become significant. Women seek to be significant to others. And men seek to be significant

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t to others. But the hero instinct drives men to seek significance in very different ways. Women seek significance through relationships. The context of your interpersonal world defines your sense of success. The bonds you share with others in your world, and the quality of those relationships determine your happiness. For men, that sense of significance, the desire to mean something to others, is driven first and foremost by a need to become someone’s hero. Why? Because he’s biologically wired that way. Survival of the fittest has selectively reinforced this trait. Men who attained the role of a hero in their social sphere had the following two advantages: 1.

2.

A strong drive to protect their partners and children, making it more likely that they would survive and pass on their genes. Higher social status which led to increased odds for favorable mate selection and lots of children.

Biology affects us whether we like it or not. I hate the fact that I am influenced by a pretty face. I know (logically) that a beautiful woman will not be smarter, kinder, or a better friend than someone who looks average. So I have to fight against the instinct to gravitate toward someone with a beautiful face. I know biology has conditioned me to seek out the sweet taste of sugar. It used to be an extremely rare find 400 years ago.

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t It was a signal indicating something had the calories a constantly-moving human body desperately needed. But I hate the fact that I can’t turn off my biological drive to like sweet things. It doesn’t matter that our modern environment has changed to the point that sugar is now a serious danger to human health. My instincts still crave it. So it is with a man’s hero instinct. It’s a biological drive. It doesn’t necessarily make sense. But it’s there all the time. And it’s influencing his emotional reaction to every social interaction he encounters. So your man will always be attracted to people who activate his hero instinct in a positive way. He might be in a relationship with you, while trying to get this need met through other relationships. That can work in the short run, but the romance will never live up to its full potential that way. If this drive already exists, who can blame you for wanting to tap into it? Actually, that is exactly what I encourage you to do. Find out what already drives him and tap into that limitless source of desire. Channel those streams of desire toward the increasingly fertile gardens of your relationship. In other words, channel his desire. Make it feed into your relationship and make it stronger.

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T h e U n s p o ke n D e s i r e H e ’ l l N e v e r A d m i t

A SECRET ABOUT FEELING LOVED The desire to be understood is one of the most powerful drives for intimate relationships. In all the time I’ve worked as a dating and relationship coach, I’ve never heard a man or woman say the reason they’re considering divorce is because they feel their partner understands them too well. All people have a deep desire to be understood. Your man wants you to understand his need to be useful. Being able to give him this feeling is like giving him a precious, rare diamond of incredible worth.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t

MODULE THREE Make Him See the Light KEY LESSON Change takes time. But emotions can change in an instant. Because our emotions are controlled by what we believe is coming next. We all want a life of meaning and purpose. That’s something men and women have in common. However, the primary ways we seek meaning and purpose differ. Men seek meaning and purpose primarily through achievement and accomplishment. He doesn’t feel ready to settle down in a relationship until after he has proven his worth. His instincts drive him to first prove himself to you, accomplish something you value, or in some way gain your approval as someone useful. Only then will he feel like he can accept himself in the context of a relationship with you. This is because of the way social hierarchy affects a man at the biological level. Among other things, I’m talking about a man’s testosterone levels. Feeling like a success literally amps up his testosterone levels. That, in turn, enhances his masculinity, his confidence, his mood, and his interest

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t in both physical intimacy and romance. Fortunately, there’s a shortcut. You don’t have to wait until he has accomplished everything he needs to accomplish in life to feel worthy and successful. In his relationship with you, he can find meaning and purpose in many ways, even if he has not found the accomplishment he hopes to one day achieve in other areas of his life. When he experiences a feeling of being needed and successful in his relationship with you, the need to feel worthy gets met. As a result, he will be able to open up to you emotionally. And here’s why. He will like the version of himself he finds in your presence. You probably already understand why that is so important. But just to be sure, let me ask you about your own experience. Are there people in your life who bring out different sides of your personality? Do you have a friend who brings out your goofy side? Do you feel more confident when interacting with certain people compared to others? And how about the other side? Are there people that seem to undermine your sense of confidence? And others who bring out your grumpy side? You are like a diamond with many facets. The light you reflect back at the world changes depending on who you are with.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t Your man is no different. But this is particularly true when it comes to his hero instinct. Some people draw it out of him. They trigger it (usually without even knowing it). Those people draw out a side of his personality he likes. It makes him feel manly, empowered, desirable. Those are all good feelings to a man. So even if he doesn’t realize why, he’ll find himself wanting to be in that person’s presence more often. And the truth is, it’s very simple to send the right signals that draw out his hero instinct. Because the opportunities are abundant. It’s a simple change in the way you interact with him. But it is a powerful deterrent from straying to seek a relationship with another woman. Let’s discuss a way to instantly change his perception of the relationship. THE SECRET TO INSTANT TRANSFORMATION: HOPE “I have fallen in love with someone who is hiding inside of you.” Hafiz Change is hard, and it takes time. But hope can emerge in an instant with a simple change of perspective or new bit of information. Hope for a great future together can give your relationship an instant upgrade…even before any of the benefits are actually experienced. That’s why hope is so important when your man has not yet fully committed his whole heart to you.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t Hope is like rocket fuel for your relationship intimacy. Its power comes from his desire to see and believe in possibilities that are worth fighting for. As a man, I can tell you what I want more than anything else. I want to be on a mission…but not just any mission. It has to be a mission with the potential to accomplish something meaningful. What does he see when he envisions a future with you? Does he see love mixed with shackles? Many men fear that loving a woman means he must give up on going all out toward a mission he finds rewarding and meaningful. But that’s ridiculous. It’s possible for the two of you to strive together toward a goal of enhancing each other’s freedom rather than restricting it. Show him that possibility and you will stir hope. It’s a hope for something he never dared dream of before…a woman who could love him and tell him he is succeeding in his relationship even while she simultaneously encourages him to spread his wings and soar. There’s a reason this is so important. It has to do with the way you approach your relationship. Do you see your relationship as an exciting investment with untapped potential for happiness and fulfillment? After consulting with hundreds of women about relationships, I learned

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t this is a basic assumption women start with. You tend to expect a sense of fulfillment from the relationship. But guys tend to be uncertain about this. They are ambivalent. Men feel torn when they approach the idea of commitment. Because they’re not sure yet if it will allow them to simultaneously pursue the things that will make them feel fulfilled. And that’s why we need to talk a little bit more about inviting your man into a special kind of relationship. One that’s based on the purposeful intention to enhance each other’s happiness. You see, your happiness can become his mission. Get him to see it that way and everything changes. Because now the hero instinct pulls him toward you instead of calling him away. THE ART OF LIVING TOWARD POSSIBILITY “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” Roald Dahl Here’s a basic truth I want to remind you of. Your beliefs matter, and you should choose them consciously. Most people never consciously examine their own beliefs. It’s easy to allow society and “what everyone else is doing” to program your beliefs. Now, most of those beliefs you inherited from society won’t hurt you. But it’s not potential harm I’m concerned with. It’s the lost promise of so much more richness and possibility you could have in your future.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t I’m talking about a better life. The better life you could have if you were to consciously choose the beliefs that form the foundation for how you spend your life energy. What you believe about men will influence the experience you have with them. Let me show you why this matters. If you engage in a lifelong relationship with a man, you will no doubt recognize many of the instincts I have referred to in this course. Some of his instincts can be annoying. Some of them can make you feel neglected. And society offers plenty of negative messages that you could absorb about men. But I challenge you to be different. I challenge you to believe that you and your man can set new records for romantic bliss, loving support, and deep passion. Are you familiar with the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy? The power of a self-fulfilling prophecy has been demonstrated in many research studies. If you believe something is true, it sometimes becomes true because of your belief. A well-researched example of this occurred in the public-school system when teachers were given false IQ test results regarding the pupils in their class. The teachers were influenced by these fake test results (which were never shown to the children themselves). Researchers observed what happened over the course of the students’ year with the teacher but also across their academic progress from one grade to another. The impact

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t was astounding. When a teacher believed students were intellectually gifted, she encouraged those students unconsciously and automatically toward success. As a result, the students excelled, and the fake IQ test results became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sadly, it worked the other way too. Some of the very intelligent children were randomly assigned fake IQ scores showing low intellectual ability. The teachers gave these children fewer opportunities to get a question right. They were encouraged less, praised less, and ignored a little more than the students whom the teachers believed had the most promise. The result was a dampening of these students’ enthusiasm for learning and a decline in their academic performance. That’s a negative selffulfilling prophecy. Here’s the point. If you allow society to flood your mind with negative expectations about men, and you absorb those beliefs as your own, you will experience a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, you can use a positive self-fulfilling prophesy to your advantage. You do that by adopting the firm belief that a man will respond well when you trigger his hero instinct. Here’s what will happen. You will persist longer. You will be discouraged less often. You will see opportunities everywhere. And you will build on the momentum of your success as you become one of the few people in this world who consciously chooses the belief system they will hold.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t Before I show you more secrets about triggering your man’s hero instinct, I want to point out one more thing about the importance of your beliefs. Building toward a crescendo of happiness is a worthy goal. Just knowing that this goal is a part of your plans will be attractive to a man. And within your own mind, knowing you are on a mission toward ever-increasing happiness will cause feelings of happiness to bubble up inside you even now in the present moment. That’s just how happiness works. Our emotions change based on what we anticipate is coming next. So by embracing a future of possibilities and making happiness an active goal you work on, you are inadvertently increasing your own happiness. But there’s a twist. You can become so obsessed with building toward momentum that you fail to take in, soak up, and appreciate the present moment as it unfolds. That would be a mistake. There’s something magical about a person who is fully grounded in the present moment. People who fully experience the “here and now” have a special quality about them. Others can sense it. It makes you seem more fully alive, more significant, and it more fully expresses the life force that is within you. So my warning is this. As you implement the methods described in this course, do not become so enamored with the future that you forget to

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t enjoy the journey as it unfolds. Believe that the future holds untapped promises, but also believe that there is more joy, more goodness, and more beauty available right now, in this present moment than you will ever need. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will send your mind on an errand of discovery — the kind of discovery that seeks out everything good and worthwhile. This allows you to work toward a beautiful future without giving up an important secret for enjoying life: that the greatest adventure in life unfolds here and now, one moment at a time.

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M a ke H i m S e e t h e L i g h t

QUICK RECAP Before we go on, let’s briefly review what you have learned so far. Your man has a hero instinct. It’s there whether he knows it or not. It affects your relationship whether you do anything about it or not. And there are certain signals that trigger this hero instinct. Here are three of those signals: 1.

2. 3.

A woman who says things or does things that show trust in his natural desire to step into the role of a hero in her life. (For example, asking for help in small ways.) A woman who shows him opportunities to make her happy (and lets him feel like he’s succeeding). A woman who supports his dreams and seems to encourage him to pursue adventure and new challenges.

Why do these things matter so much? Well, to understand that on a deeper level, we need to talk about the things that fascinate a man.

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MODULE FOUR The Fascination Trigger KEY LESSON Don’t try to get him to love you. Fascinate him instead. Believe it or not, all men are wired to fall in love with you. Deserted together on an island with few other distractions, everything that’s feminine about you would call to him. It would only be a matter of time until your feminine qualities triggered his love instincts. Deeply wired in his brain are all the instincts needed to make him crave your body, your presence, your gaze, and your friendship. He is not meant to be alone. If this is true, why is he so hard to pin down? Why do his interests seem to scatter in so many directions? It comes down to the many distractions in his life. In this modern world, his primary drives can be met in many ways. Please recognize this truth:

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Only the things that fascinate him will capture his attention long enough to secure his deep investment. Humans are fascinated not only by things they crave, but also by things that disgust or cause fear. For example, we can simultaneously feel fascination and horror toward stories we see in the news. Or an accident on the side of the road. Some talk shows capitalize on our fascination with the unfolding drama of obnoxious people. We can barely stand to watch such shows, yet we find it hard to flip the channel to something else. Of course, we are also fascinated by things we desire. We are fascinated by strikingly attractive celebrities. We are fascinated by the methods someone used to attain unusual wealth. We are fascinated by the dessert tray displaying its tantalizing array of mouthwatering delights. The things that fascinate us can be delightful or disgusting. So how is this information useful to us? Once again, the answer comes back to his most basic drives. All of the things that fascinate him activate his drive to do, be, or accomplish. A man with a phobia of spiders experiences an instant and powerful drive to stamp the living smithereens out of that creature as it scampers across his living room floor. We are fascinated by things that are highly relevant to our basic needs and drives. Avoiding a spider bite fits that category, so a spider in our personal space grabs our attention.

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THE PRIVATE ISLAND SIGNAL Let’s apply this “fascination principle” directly to your efforts at capturing a man’s undying love and devotion. You must align yourself with his basic drives (the things that he can’t help but be fascinated with). Accomplish that, and you will be calling to his instincts 24/7. Pulling him toward you with an irresistible force. Like the famous sirens from Greek mythology, this “signal” is like a beautiful song. Something irresistible he will want to go toward. And you send that signal by aligning yourself with his sense of purpose. Don’t worry, in part two of this course I’ll give you specific examples for doing so. For now, just absorb the big idea. Let me saturate your mind with concepts that will help you see the pattern of the Hero Instinct as it unfolds all around you. So long as you sustain his attention long enough over time, your natural feminine qualities will trigger his love instincts. It’s as if you’ve created your own artificial deserted island effect. And this “signals” his fascination trigger, flipping it to the “on” position. He becomes fascinated with you. Social psychologists call this “propinquity.” The term, propinquity, simply refers to the chances of two people having opportunities to interact on a frequent basis. The greater the propinquity you share with any man, the more likely it is that the two of you will eventually end up together. Propinquity has been proven to be the most powerful factor influencing who marries whom. With a variable this powerful, it’s worth understanding

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what makes it work. Propinquity works for the very reason I illustrated above when discussing what would undoubtedly unfold between a man and a woman on a deserted island. If you reduce the competing demands on his attention, you will amplify the way your feminine qualities call out to his mind, body, and emotions. If you have a lot of propinquity (frequent interactions) with a given man, you are the distraction! In this scenario, statistics are working in your favor. Fortunately, you can do better than rely on statistics. You can fascinate. Do you remember how to do it? If you’ve been paying close attention while reading, you might already have the answer. Are you ready? Here it is. You can fascinate your man by stepping into the already existing stream of his basic drives. Things that are relevant to his basic drives are what get his attention. Don’t let yourself become irrelevant to his drives. Specifically, you must become the one person in his life connected to his drive to feel that he has a purpose—and that he has the power to succeed in that purpose. This statement summarizes an important idea in a simplified form. So please read it again to help it sink in. Now let’s break down this statement. Let’s start with the word purpose.

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His basic instincts cause him to seek out a meaningful purpose. Your job is to become a part of that purpose. Consider this. Energy is at the root of all human motivation. Think about what energizes you. More often than not, it’s the same thing that energizes a six-year-old boy on Christmas Eve. He’s energized by what’s coming next. Specifically, he’s energized by the belief that there is potential pleasure coming his way when he opens presents on Christmas morning. He’s too excited to sleep. That’s because mental energy comes from the expectation of a reward. The opposite is true as well. We lose energy (become depressed) when we do not expect to enjoy what’s coming next. This phenomenon is evident in the research findings of psychologists who measure happiness. When psychologists ask people to track how happy and energized they feel, a clear trend emerges in the data. Happiness peaks on Friday afternoons when the majority of people are anticipating a weekend. The same graph shows plummeting happiness on Sunday evening in anticipation of a full work week ahead. Something interesting is hidden within this happiness research. It’s not when the weekend arrives that happiness reaches its peak. Rather, it’s while people are still at work on a Friday afternoon! And on Sunday, feeling blue takes over while the freedom of the weekend is still in full swing. What does that tell us?

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It tells us that human beings are anticipation machines! Our energy and happiness go up when we anticipate pleasure. The effect is extra strong when we expect pleasure in the very near future. Here’s why… The human mind is constantly building mental representations of the future. Our belief about what’s coming next is what determines how happy we feel. When someone becomes clinically depressed, they can lose interest in life. At the extremes of clinical depression, a person may stay in bed all day. Obviously, this does not make them feel better. And if you asked them why they do it, they will tell you plainly that they simply lack the motivation, energy, or drive to get up and face the day. Why does that happen? Why do depressed people lose energy and motivation? It’s because depression gradually changes a person’s expectation about the future. It’s usually a very negative event like a sudden loss that triggers sadness. Suddenly, the future looks bleak. Energy and happiness drop. It could be a small loss, like the loss of self-esteem when you overhear someone making a negative remark about you at work. Or it could be a big loss, like the death of someone with whom you had anticipated many years of shared joy and companionship. Either way, your mind suddenly perceives a future devoid of reward. This saps your energy. Who wants to get to a future that contains no joy?

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Your brain literally begins to turn off the chemical processes that drive feelings of excitement, energy, and motivation. When this process goes on long enough, depression takes on a life of its own. Even once you have emotionally adjusted to a loss, depression causes a distortion of your thoughts so that everything in the future seems like it will be bleak and depressing. Your current feelings color your anticipation of what’s coming next. In this way, energy disappears. Motivation disappears. The desire to get up and do anything or accomplish anything disappears. What’s the opposite of that? What is the opposite of feeling depressed? To answer this question, all you have to do is think back to the times when you were most energized. Feeling elated goes along with feeling energized. We feel happy when we anticipate pleasure. Our brain is designed to release energy whenever we perceive a reward that we can go after and achieve. In other words, we are energized when we clearly see a purpose for taking action. Do you know the greatest motivator of all time for mankind? It’s a driving sense of purpose that gives our life meaning.

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LEFT BEHIND When a woman dies, her husband is 10 times more likely to commit suicide compared to a woman when her husband dies. Men send out fewer signals to request emotional support. Men are far more likely to rely exclusively on their spouse for their sense of meaning and interpersonal intimacy. His feeling of being connected and understood practically disappears when his spouse dies. That explains why men are so much more likely to commit suicide after the death of their partner. That’s how important you are to his sense of purpose. When it comes to sharing emotions, he doesn’t have the social support of other friends nearly as much as you do as a woman. That’s because men are discouraged from talking about needs, being vulnerable, and asking for help. Society teaches men their value comes from enduring pain, displaying courage, and seeming tough or unaffected by hardship as they pursue whatever needs to get done. These are the very traits that cause many women to admire a man and fall in love with him. They are also the traits that make him extremely bad at being emotionally open and intimate. But if you can be that person who makes him feel valued for opening up, you can essentially be his world. You help him to have something he would not otherwise have while simultaneously getting the close emotional intimacy you crave with him.

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PURPOSE MAKES US FEEL ALIVE. A sense of purpose feels good. It gives us a sense of belonging. It gives a sense of meaning. And whether your purpose goes beyond your mortal life (as is the case for many deeply spiritual people) or simply toward the goal of addressing an immediate need for yourself or someone else, purpose reigns supreme. It is the number one form of lasting reward that drives human energy. Having a sense of purpose is a reward in and of itself. It removes our existential crises (the anxiety that comes from being unsure about why we exist). It gives us a feeling of certainty and wellbeing. Think of a military commander rallying his troops (or tribe) just before a charge into battle. Classic movie scenes demonstrating this effect include Brave Heart and Gladiator (movies men love). These movies do a fantastic job of showing the way even the fear of death loses its power when men have a sudden sense of certainty that comes from seeing a clear purpose. They channel their mental and physical energy toward achieving that purpose, and it feels glorious. So much so that we make movies about it. But the need for purpose is also woven into our daily lives. Show me someone who is depressed, and I will show you a person who has (at least temporarily) lost their sense of control over things that used to be among their main purposes in life. It could be a mother who saw her purpose as nurturing her child, only

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to lose that child. It could be a businessman whose business collapses, leaving him with the belief that he has too little money and too few years to rebuild. These sudden losses create a vacuum devoid of purpose. The purpose of life was removed by a cruel twist of fate…and with it their drive, motivation, and energy. Happiness comes in waves. Some of the waves are small while others are more like enormous swells that carry us through long periods of our life. Each wave of happiness comes from our anticipation of experiences we look forward to enjoying in the future. Have you ever had a moment when things were going badly but then you made a decision to completely change course? Changing course could mean giving up entirely on something that wasn’t working. Or it could mean a decision to refocus on a principle for success that you had forgotten about for a few months or years. If you’ve had this experience, you might remember the sudden feeling of relief when you made the decision to abandon something that wasn’t working and adopt a new strategy. Why did it feel good? After all, you were basically admitting to yourself that you were failing or that you were wasting your time with the wrong approach. Why does it feel good to realize you’ve been wasting your time? It doesn’t. What felt good was the sudden change in the model your brain

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was building about the future. Your vision of the future got a sudden update that seemed more hopeful. In an instant, your happiness surges. Your mental hologram (in which you envision the future) suddenly changed. You no longer saw yourself endlessly beating your head against a wall that would not budge. You saw a path where you felt you could win. Suddenly, energy is released. Your mind moves you toward action. You feel happy. All that because the human mind is an anticipation machine. Your energy is linked to your own judgment of whether or not your current strategies are likely to yield rewards if you stick with them. Here’s the point... When you feel fully aligned with your purpose, energy and happiness are released. You experience a sudden improvement in your quality of life. Now let’s discuss how that affects a man in the context of his relationship with you. The connection between love and purpose The end result we’re going for is lasting love. But you can’t make someone love you. You have no direct control over whether or not he has feelings of love for you. That’s why we have to work backward to discover the things you can control that will stack the odds in your favor.

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So that brings us back to the fascination trigger. We are fascinated by things that have the potential to give us either pain or pleasure. The things that grab his attention are the things that have the potential to make a big impact on his pain or pleasure. Remember, his mind is always generating an automatic model for what the future will look like. The part of his mind that engages in that constant forecasting process is highly tuned-in to anything that threatens of possible pain or tantalizes with the promise of potential pleasure. That’s fascination in a nutshell. We are fascinated by things that can make us feel good and things that can make us feel bad. Fascination is the most powerful tool you have to grab his interest and attention. Yet it is the most overlooked aspect of human psychology when it comes to romantic relationships. For that reason, I need to make sure you really understand this concept thoroughly before we move on. Let’s look at an example. There’s a guy you’ve had your eye on at work. You glance out the window and see him walking toward your office building in the parking lot. He’s walking at a slow pace, conversing with a woman you don’t recognize. Suddenly, she’s fascinating. You step closer to the window, trying to get a better look at her face. Why does she fascinate you? She fascinates you because she obviously has the attention of the guy

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you’re interested in. There’s a possibility she is competition. With a closer look you might realize she’s a sales representative from a partner company, not a girlfriend or coworker competing for his attention. Either way, the nature of his relationship with her is relevant. And so it is something that matters to you. Here’s the point. Fascination determines the focus of our attention at any given moment in time. Let’s review our main points. 1. 2.

3.

The things that fascinate us most are the things which are relevant to the purpose we have adopted for our life. Become part of his purpose and you will fascinate him. And what’s more important is you will continue to fascinate him over the long term. His hero instinct craves a purpose, a goal, a mission, a person who needs him. Become a part of his purpose by triggering his hero instinct.

The question is, what drives the man you love? What drives will trigger the fascination of your love interest? Let me break it down for you as a quick review. The Deserted Island Signal Formula: 1. 2.

Propinquity puts the odds in favor by increasing the opportunities for him to fall in love with you. Propinquity will only happen if you do a good job of

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3. 4.

5.

capturing and holding his attention. And you can do that by using the principles of fascination you are learning in this relationship mastery course. Tap into the things he is already fascinated with (like being someone’s hero). Because those things impact his sense of meaning, and his drive to escape pain and pursue pleasure. What can you influence that touches all of those things (meaning, pain, and pleasure)? His sense of purpose. Make yourself a part of his sense of purpose.

At this point you may be wondering how to become a part of his purpose. Don’t worry. Later in this course I’ll show you one big idea that will change everything for you. Something I call the “Momentum Method.” It’s an idea that shows you how to invite him into a shared purpose…one that is great for your relationship, great for triggering his hero instinct, and great for you! But for now, we just need one more piece of this fascination equation to see how it all fits together. It’s time to talk about the things that hold a man back. What stops him from automatically making you the purpose of his life?

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MODULE FIVE When Men Say, “I’m just not ready” KEY LESSON A man will ignore the desires of his heart in order to achieve an identity he can feel proud of. The most common reason a man gives a woman for not committing to the relationship is, “I’m just not ready.” Let’s take a look at what that really means. When a man says he’s not ready, it’s because his instincts have hardwired him to go another direction. He’s going in the direction of achieving a sense of purpose through accomplishments. He’s going after accomplishments that will make him feel like he is worthy of respect. What these accomplishments look like change over the span of a man’s development. Allison Armstrong (a gifted marriage seminar leader) uses a metaphor to explain the developmental phases men go through. Her metaphor is that of a knight, a prince, and a king. Both psychological and hormonal factors influence the path a man takes

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” from the Knight phase to the Prince phase, and finally to the King phase of the male experience. Dr. Louann Brizendine, the founder of the first clinic in the U.S. to study gender differences in brain, behavior, and hormones, has noted many DNA-driven hormone changes in men across their lifespan. Both social pressure and DNA influence the things a man feels driven to do at any given phase of his life. As boys begin the process of maturing into men during adolescence, they enter the Knight phase. This phase of a man’s life lasts well into his mid-to-late 20s. It is a phase of life when his instincts drive him toward adventure. Very often, that adventure includes the pursuit of fun. A man in the Knight phase is very fun to date, but he is not ready to settle down with a serious commitment. That’s because a knight’s primary motivation is freedom so that he can pursue all kinds of new life experiences and adventures. During the Knight phase, a man will pursue you with passion, show you a good time, and be highly energetic. But he won’t have the slightest clue why you or anyone else would want to give up the party and adventure he feels compelled to seek. Freedom to explore is his number one motivation. When he enters the Prince phase, his primary motivation shifts with the sudden realization that he has not yet built anything of significance in this life. It’s as if the spell is broken and he realizes he does not want to be a party animal forever. His focus suddenly becomes about making his mark in this world so that

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” he can one day bask in the glory of what he has achieved. His primary motivation becomes building something that proves his worth. He realizes he must leave behind free-spirited adventure and do something significant. At the onset of the Prince phase, he may be in his late 20s or even mid30s. The speed of maturation and change is different for each man. As the Prince phase of a man’s life draws to a close, he feels he has succeeded at providing and has accomplished quite a lot. The Prince phase of a man’s life can vary from 10 years to 25 years, depending on how many times he changes course in his career and attempts to build something meaningful. But at some point, he will enter what society typically calls a midlife crisis. The midlife crisis happens when he has achieved enough success and momentum to take his nose off the grindstone long enough to look at who he has become and where he’s going. He starts to think seriously about the legacy he wants to leave behind. He realizes it’s time to let go of some of the dreams he thought he might one day return to. He simultaneously experiences a strong need to define himself and what he really stands for. This is the process by which a man moves from the Prince phase into the phase that Allison Armstrong has aptly named the King phase. And here’s the key difference between the Prince and King phases. Once he reaches the King phase, he wants to center his life on a few principles that reflect his strong opinions about what matters. He becomes less flexible in many ways because the process of wrestling with who he

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” will become (during the midlife crisis) ends with a decision to stand for something. And what he stands for is deeply connected to his sense of identity. Women also commit to things and have a sense of identity based on a range of things they commit their life to, but during the King phase, this is a much stronger, cemented sort of phenomenon for men. That’s because he defines himself based on the small number of things he decides ultimately matter in his life. You see, he is still trying to “win” at life. And he tries to win by refocusing his life on only the things that will truly matter in the legacy he leaves behind. Another key distinction about the King phase of a man’s life is the focus he puts on giving to others and enjoying the fruits of his labor. He becomes very interested in giving of his time and financial resources, and he wants to be appreciated for his ability to provide. Rejecting his efforts to provide for you in big or small ways will dampen his experience. He wants you to take the throne beside him and allow him to dote on you as his queen. But he also wants to feel admired and appreciated. At this stage of his life, “winning” in the context of his relationship with you becomes about showing you the good life while he enjoys the same. The main thing to keep in consideration if you are with a man who has reached the King phase of his life is that you do not want to withhold appreciation or admiration. He wants to achieve a sense of “winning” by giving of his time, knowledge, or financial resources.

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” I should also point out that at no point in time will he be 100% in just one of the three phases of development. He will always maintain elements of knighthood as he progresses through the other phases. He will also sometimes show a great concern for meaning and building something of lasting value, while some areas of his life still trigger his adventurous, free-spirited knighthood way of thinking and acting. HESITANT TO COMMIT When a man in the Prince stage says he is “not ready” to commit to a relationship, here’s what he is really saying: “I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything in life yet. I’m going to have to work very hard and do some incredible stretching to achieve the kind of manhood, meaning, and accomplishment I desire. I don’t know that I will have enough time and attention to make you happy while I am on that mission pursuing that goal. So I’m not sure that I’m really ready to promise to be there for you and to provide for you in the ways I feel driven to provide as a man.” One thing you have to understand about men is that even from the time they are just little boys, they will not participate in anything they do not believe they can “win” at. This is not something many women understand, even women who have mothered little boys. And I encourage you not to try to understand it, but rather just to accept it as a fact about how men are wired. Watch the men in your life and you will begin to realize how powerful and profound this truth is. Men will do anything they can to escape from a task, requirement, or expectation where they do not feel they can “win.”

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” And that includes “winning” at the role of boyfriend, husband, father, or any other relationship status you might ask him to commit to. If he doesn’t think he will measure up to what you want, he will say he is not ready. It’s for this reason that men are much more highly motivated by small rewards that show them they are winning. We will come back to this incredibly important topic later as we discuss the ways you can mold your man’s sense of meaning, purpose, and motivation to include you at its center.

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ”

THE POWER OF CELEBRATING EACH OTHER’S SUCCESS Debbie, a past client of mine, came home one day and said to her boyfriend, “Guess what? I got that job promotion I applied for!” Her boyfriend responded with the exuberance Debbie was hoping for, “Oh man! That is so great! You must be so excited right now. We should celebrate!” According to a research study published in 2006 by Shelley Gable at the University of California, Santa Barbara, the boyfriend’s response is just the kind of response needed for a relationship to thrive. While most couples think of their partner as someone to be there for them emotionally during hard times, research has recently shown that sharing joy together during the good times is even more important. Joy is essential to a happy relationship. If one partner doesn’t feel the other partner shares their moments of joy, then interest in the relationship begins to die off. It turns out even neutral comments, like, “That’s really nice, honey,” can do more damage than saying nothing at all. Taking a neutral tone when someone shares their excitement, hopes, or success is actually worse than saying something negative. That’s because a neutral tone suggests you don’t even care enough to have an opinion. When your man feels you celebrate his progress toward goals, his deepest need for shared joy in the relationship is met.

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” MANLINESS AND THE DRIVE TO PROVIDE Nothing gives a man a feeling of meaning and accomplishment more than being a provider for others. It is rooted in his DNA to go out hunting and bring home something for the people he loves. In this modern era, men are feeling a bit lost. It’s not uncommon for a woman to make a lot more money than her partner. And these days, money can bring a pizza to your door. So the hunter feels kind of lost. Traditional gender roles in ancient times (e.g. men hunting and women gathering) were based on more than just the fact that men are on average bigger and stronger than women. The differences go far deeper than that, down to the neurological level. Testosterone wires a man’s brain to be far more willing to seek out risk and face physical danger in pursuit of a physical challenge. Testosterone drives men to be excited by the opportunity to test their strength against the beast three times their size. So it’s natural that women typically stayed home tending to the young and keeping the fire going while the men went out hunting. And it may not be a very pleasant thought, but it’s not just the men who were obsessed with that role. If a man wanted to be well received by a female partner, he was expected to provide. Coming home night after night with nothing to show for the hunt would not have been received well. He might end up literally losing the interest and attention of a woman

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W h e n M e n S a y, “ I ’ m j u s t n o t r e a d y ” who saw another man as far more capable of providing. As a result, being a provider is deeply rooted in the male psyche and DNA. Changes in the way we meet our basic needs have happened very quickly as we moved from hunting and gathering to farming and then to the industrial age and now the information age. Our DNA has not adapted that quickly. The man in your life still experiences a powerful drive to gain your approval by being a capable provider. The irony is that men continue to pursue the provider role even in ways that now drive their female partners crazy. A man is driven by instinct to be a provider. That’s true even if his efforts to be a provider cause him to work too much and spend too little time with you. And when I talk about being a provider, realize this pursuit can show up in many different ways. His drive to provide can just as easily fuel his efforts to start a rock band as an effort to start a company that sells widgets. The drive to be a provider is deeply connected with his sense of meaning and purpose. So, if you want to know what fascinates a man, look at his drives. The most powerful overarching drive that goes on for years and years in your man’s life is the drive to feel successful. To feel successful, he needs to win. And the place he needs to win the most is in providing. But now I’m going to tell you how to bend that drive so it works for your relationship instead of against it.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m

MODULE SIX How Your Desires Can Fascinate Him KEY LESSON Show him how he can win. What if I told you that you can present your desires to him in such a way that they trigger his drive to be a provider? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? It’s possible, and here’s how you do it. You have a vision in your mind regarding what your ideal future life would be like. Unlike his ideal vision, it has more to do with relationships, the people you spend time with, and the cute home you live in. His vision assumes those kinds of things but does not focus on them. He wouldn’t be happy without beautiful relationships, but his instincts tell him he will have to wait and focus on those things only after he has become a successful provider. So his vision is dominated by strategies and goals for achieving career success as well as a certain level of independence and freedom. But here’s why he is driven by those things. At a subconscious level, he believes they would validate him as a man so that he could then enjoy relationships as someone who has “succeeded.”

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m It’s like an unwritten code of manliness that he must always win. Testosterone causes the male mind to be obsessed with hierarchy and competition. It doesn’t really make sense, but his instincts caution him against accepting a role in which he feels he is unlikely to “win” at gaining your approval. So if he believes you would suddenly need more of his time and attention in order to approve of him in a role like “boyfriend,” “husband,” or “father,” he will decline to accept that role. And it’s not because he does not love you. You may wonder why committing to a deeper relationship or marriage is so hard when the two of you spend the majority of your evenings together anyway, he already has a job, and he’s not dating anyone else. Again, it comes down to the different perspective he has as a man. He sees a commitment as something he must win at. If he’s not sure he can win, he will avoid commitment. That way he can always back away and say he never promised anything. What’s the solution? In a nutshell, it’s this. Show him how he can win. If you show him a vision of the future that clicks with his need to win at gaining your approval, you can stretch his manly instincts to include more of the things you want from the relationship. “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” R. Buckminster Fuller

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m THE SECRET TO BECOMING HIS OBSESSION So far, I’ve laid out this simple truth. He is obsessed with finding a purpose at which he feels he can win. He wants a relationship with you, but not if it means feeling like a failure or slowing down his drive to accomplish something. But what I’m going to tell you next will completely transform your experience with men. I’m going to show you how to start from nothing and gradually fuse his manly instincts with the very things that will make his relationship with you take off. I’m going to teach you a five-step process. We’ll start with the last step. And that’s because the last step is the goal—the end point we are aiming for. Understanding the goal will make it easier to understand the steps involved in reaching that goal. Step five represents the goal we are trying to achieve. Here it is: Show him that he does not have to choose between you and the adventurous life pursuits his instincts call him to chase after. That’s it in a nutshell. However, as you might have guessed, achieving that end goal requires a bit of finesse and inside knowledge about how the male brain works. Let me share a few things about how men think. Then I’ll show you a method you can use to shape his behavior. Using these deceptively simple steps can make all the difference between

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m wishing for an incredible relationship and actually having one. Also, please remember this. You can go through this course material as many times as you need. There’s no rush. Mastering the secrets of an incredible relationship is worth some time and investment. These relationship skills will serve you for the rest of your life. And that’s because understanding his hero instinct will be like a key that opens new worlds for you to explore in your relationships. So it’s okay if you need to go through this course several times. It will be worth it. But let’s get back to the five steps for transforming your man into the romantic who can’t stop thinking about you. We’ll start with the end goal. Your goal is to show him he does not have to choose between a relationship with you and achieving the sense of meaningful purpose he is driven to go after. How do you tap into those drives? The answer is that you start very small. Then, you gradually build on your progress. To show you how this works, I’m going to reference a section of a training I did on communication with men. This section explains the concept of starting with nothing and gradually building a new pattern that you can reinforce over time. How to Shape His Behavior

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m Orcas (also known as killer whales) do occasionally leap out of the water in their natural habitat in the wild. However, it is not natural for orcas to leap out of the water to jump over ropes when a human gives them the signal to do so. Nonetheless, behavioral conditioning allows us to teach the orcas to do just that. In the next few paragraphs, you will learn how to teach your man to do something that is not natural for men “in the wild.” We will examine the exact technique used to train an orca at Sea World so you can use that technique to make your man a better communicator. Some people say orcas are smart, but they can’t talk and they are too heavy to shove. So how do you train them to jump over a rope 20 feet above their pool so the crowds of people can cheer in awe? The answer is behavioral conditioning. Behavioral conditioning is nothing more than offering small rewards to gradually shape behavior. The orca likes to eat fish. His trainer tosses him a fish to reward behavior that is somewhat close to the behavior the trainer ultimately wants the orca to perform on cue. They start by putting a cord along the bottom of the swim tank. Whenever the orca swims over it, the trainer tosses him a fish. It doesn’t take long before the orca makes the connection and realizes he can get a fish anytime he wants by swimming back and forth over the cord at the bottom of his swimming tank.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m

Once that behavior is firmly established, the trainer raises the cord so it is about halfway up in the depth of the water in the swim tank. When the orca wants a fish, he swims back and forth, sometimes over and sometimes under the cord. The trainer only throws him a fish when he swims over the cord. Pretty soon, the orca has learned to swim over the cord rather than under it. At this point, the trainer begins to use hand gestures, and only throws in a fish when the orca swims over the cord within a few seconds after the hand gesture. The trainer then gradually raises the cord until it is at the surface of the water. It doesn’t take long for the orca to realize he has to jump out of the water and over the cord in order to get the fish. At this point, the task of training the orca is simply about slowly raising the height of the cord and reinforcing the hand gesture that means he can get a fish by jumping over it. When I was in college, I had a psychology professor that told us a story about a mouse he trained to play basketball. His method was simple behavioral conditioning. He used pellets of food as reward for the rat and gradually used behavioral conditioning to shape the rat’s behavior. He did this until the rat learned to push a small ball across his cage, pick it up with his front paws, and then dunk it in his miniature basketball hoop. The good news is that men are a tad smarter than whales and rats! The bad news is that you can’t control their food intake as a reward.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m However, you can use something that has been found to be just as effective. I’m talking about a sudden increase in affection and attention whenever he engages in the type of communication that you are trying to condition him for. Remember, you start with the small and natural things he does right (just like with the orca, you start throwing him a fish when he simply swims across the cord at the bottom of his tank). You have to set the bar low and begin reinforcing his behavior for things he is already doing anyway. In real life, you might start by taking his hand and becoming more cheerful whenever he tells you something good or bad about his day at work. Or you might kiss him on the lips and tell him how close you feel with him after he shares two minutes of random thoughts with you. Gradually, you save your reinforcing attention and affection for higher levels of intimate communication. This may sound too simple to be true, but it does work! Hundreds and hundreds of psychological research studies have been conducted to examine the powerful effects of behavioral conditioning on humans. Even though we have very powerful capabilities for higher reasoning, we still respond to basic reinforcement—mostly unconsciously.

How would you summarize the content I just shared with you in this section? If you had to put it in your own words, what would you say? Here’s my attempt at summarizing it in a condensed form. “If you can tap

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m into an instinct that is already there (like the orca’s motivation to get food) you can gradually connect that basic instinct to a new habit or behavior.” And if I wanted to be a little more thorough, I would add the following: “It doesn’t matter if he never currently engages in the new behavior we desire, because we can use ‘shaping’ to refine the behavior we want to see.” Is it a good idea to tell your man you’re going to use behavioral conditioning to tap into his instincts? No. It’s not something you talk about. Rather, it’s something you do. And in its “doing” form you’ll find there could be nothing more natural. The truth is, we influence each other all the time through behavioral conditioning and shaping. But we almost never tap into the most potent instinctual drives of our partner when doing so. And we rarely stick with it long enough to achieve the truly incredible results I’m teaching you how to achieve now. A simple example is the use of nonverbal posturing in an established relationship. For example, a woman who is doing housework makes a point of vacuuming the space right around her husband’s feet as he sits on the couch reading a newspaper. She is sending the message, “I’m the only one cleaning.” This is an example of negative reinforcement. With negative reinforcement, you stop doing something annoying to reinforce the behavior you want. In this case, the husband has learned that if he gets up and helps her clean, she will leave him alone. If he does not, her posturing will become

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m increasingly intrusive until an argument breaks out. And by the way, that’s an example of very shortsighted behavioral conditioning. Positive reinforcement is always better for a romantic relationship. Using negative reinforcement can get quick results, but it gradually drains the joy out of a relationship. In case you’re confused about the terminology, punishment is always about stopping a behavior while reinforcement is always about encouraging a behavior. These are technical terms you don’t necessarily need to understand, but I include them here for those of you who like to truly master a concept before putting it to use. The killer whale gets reinforcement in the form of a fish. What kind of positive reinforcement can you toss your man when he moves in the right direction? The answer is appreciation. Demonstrating appreciation is the easiest way to throw your man a fish. It’s a reward that feeds his need to feel useful. Remember, he wants to be your hero. When you let him have that role, he’ll work harder to make you happy and feel more satisfied in the relationship, too.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m

APPRECIATION PAYS OFF Expressing appreciation to your partner cuts the rate of separation in half a few months later. It’s the little things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships, Sara B. Algo, Shelly E. Gable, and Natalya C. Maisel in Personal Relationships Vol 17, No. 2, June, 2010.

PUTTING THE CONCEPT TO WORK Your man has a powerful instinctual drive to go after meaning and purpose. He wants to feel potent (powerful and effective). He’s not ready for a relationship with you until he feels like he has made a lot of headway in achieving “success,” which is defined differently depending on whether he’s in the Knight, Prince, or King phase. When he’s a knight, success means living it up and exploring the world because there’s so much to see. When he’s a prince, success means feeling that he is winning at building something meaningful. When he’s a king, success means the opportunity to focus on the few things he has decided are truly meaningful in this life while also sharing from the bounty of his success.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m In each phase, he is driven by the desire to feel that he is “winning” at something meaningful that gives his life purpose. We are going to tap into this instinct for meaningful purpose. We are going to connect that drive to his relationship with you. We are going to shape his responses to you so that he can experience first-hand the fact that you can be his partner in this life (starting now!) rather than someone who gets the leftovers of his attention only after he has achieved his life mission. Here’s how we’re going to do it. We’re going to use his desire to be your hero. USE HIS DESIRE TO BE YOUR HERO He will chase after the provider role whether or not you are in his life. The secret is channeling his efforts to be a provider in such a way that those desires get met (at least in part) in through his relationship with you. In so doing, you tie his happiness to your own life. This makes it harder for him to emotionally cope with the idea of leaving you. It also enriches his life in a way that makes him feel happy and fulfilled. It’s a true win-win situation. Now let’s look at an example of this concept put into action.

CONNECT HIS PROVIDER INSTINCT TO HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m One of the problems many women have come up against when dating a man occurs when her partner starts to see her as “too needy,” or “smothering.” Depending on his phase of life, this can accidentally trigger his instinct to distance himself from you. If that’s so, how can I possibly say you should find ways for him to be a provider for you? Won’t that just make him run for the hills by making you seem needy? No. He won’t run for the hills, and I’ll tell you why. Channeling his desire to be a provider has nothing to do with being needy. To make a clear distinction, allow me to define some of the ways men might perceive their romantic partner as being needy. Then we’ll contrast these examples with the real goal we are going after. Examples from men who perceived their girlfriend as being “needy”: • “She won’t let me hang out with my guy friends, or if she does, she gives me the cold shoulder when I get back.” • “If I don’t reply to her text within 15 minutes, she asks me what’s wrong. If I say ‘nothing, I was just busy,’ she accuses me of being distant, and it usually turns into a fight after that.” • “She wants to sit at home and cuddle on the couch while we watch her favorite TV shows. Anytime I suggest we hang out with a group of friends, she says we haven’t had enough ‘just us time.’”

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m Now contrast those examples with the following examples of providing a channel for him to be a provider for you in very small ways. You might think of these as “fascination phrases.” Each of these phrases work like a signal. They are signals picked up by his male provider instinct. They change the way he sees you. We’ll talk about more meaningful examples in a minute, but take a look at these examples first. • • •

“I need to borrow your manly muscles for a minute. Will you open this jar for me?” “I know it’s my car, but I don’t like driving in the city. Do you mind driving?” “My friends and I have to leave. And, actually, do you mind walking me out to my car? There’s a creepy guy just standing out there by himself, leaning against my car. It’s probably nothing, but I’d just feel safer if you came with us.”

These are examples of very simple opportunities to trigger his provider instinct. Guys absolutely LOVE these opportunities. They love these opportunities way more than they would ever let on. But if you are highly tuned in to nonverbal communication you may have already noticed this on your own. I’m talking about the way you can tell a man is exceptionally pleased with himself after a woman asks him for this kind of assistance. The reason these opportunities please him so much is simple. You have just given him social validation as a provider.

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H o w Yo u r D e s i r e s C a n Fa s c i n a t e H i m You have shown him that you notice his ability to provide. And that has a much more powerful emotional impact than you would expect. It’s as if someone has just said, “You know that person you always wished you could be? Well that’s who you are.” THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WHEN INVITING HIM INTO A PROVIDER ROLE Many women give their man the opportunity to become a provider in the same way they would rely on a close female friend. That is, they expect him to “provide” by being her sounding board for venting frustrations about unfolding relationship drama. Now, I’m not saying there’s no place for that in a long-term, committed relationship between a man and a woman. What I am saying is this is no substitute for the kind of opportunities I want you to present to your man so he can fill a provider role. The reason is simple. He doesn’t recognize emotional support as “providing.” Yes, I know it actually is one of the things you most want from any close relationship, and hopefully he will recognize the importance of connecting with you in that way. However, you should not expect that form of emotional connection to fulfill his need to find meaning through providing. Okay, let’s take a break for a quick review.

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How Your Desires Can Fascinate Him THE FIVE STEPS THAT WILL TRANSFORM YOUR MAN

These are the actions that will cause you to be at the heart of his passionate purpose. 1.

2.

3.

4. 5.

Give him micro-opportunities to meet your needs and make you happy. Actually show the appreciation you feel when he works toward your happiness. This makes him feel like he is "winning" in his relationship with you. Gradually build on the momentum of success he experiences with each of the opportunities you give him to "win" at making you happy. Help him gain more clarity about who he is and what he really wants in his relationship with you. Show him that he does not have to choose between you and the adventure of pursuing the life he truly desires.

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MODULE SEVEN The Secret Currency of Happy Relationships KEY LESSON Lust is longing, not fulfillment. What do most women look forward to and work hard to achieve for the first quarter of their life? It’s often marriage. So it might surprise you to learn that statistics show the most likely time for a woman to become depressed is within a few months of getting married. A wedding is a beautiful thing. It’s a gathering for everyone who loves you to celebrate with you. You have poured your time and energy into making it elegant and meaningful. You’ve dreamed of your wedding since you were a little girl. Then it’s over. Regular life routines take center stage again. The letdown after the big event often leaves women feeling, well…let down. I need to tell you something counterintuitive. Keep an open mind, because

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s what I’m about to tell you may shock you. One of the most common times for people to become depressed is shortly after they have accomplished a big goal in their life. DEPRESSED BILLIONAIRES Imagine having more money than you could possibly spend in your lifetime. That’s what happened to many of the dot com billionaires who sold their startup businesses and cashed out before the crash of the dot com era. Finding themselves with more money than they needed, even if they lived lavish lifestyles and spent money on everything they wanted, just the interest on the money they had accumulated would probably be more than what they were spending. It sounds like a good problem to have, doesn’t it? Yet the truth is, many of these suddenly wealthy (and jobless) billionaires began to feel depressed. Many of them experienced a flailing, aimless sensation that was in stark contrast to the intense effort they had put into building their dream business and working hard to sell it. It turns out, sipping drinks by the pool starts to get boring after a while. The famous motivational speaker Tony Robbins has described his own personal experience with this phenomenon. Early in his career, he set several seemingly impossible goals. Then he went after those goals with an insatiable appetite for the adventure.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s One of his goals was to buy a castle and live in it. Another of his goals was to earn so much money that he could retire before the age of 40 and relax at the beach with his family. He accomplished both of those goals. He actually purchased a hotel on an island in Tahiti where he and his family moved with the sole intention of chilling out and enjoying life. But after two months of sitting at the beach, he started to feel bored and unsatisfied. Being retired offered him no challenge. He missed the challenge of going after goals that felt meaningful. So he quit retirement and went back to work. He’s happier now than ever, but he’s learned his lesson about peak life experiences. As soon as you achieve some long-standing goal, it’s kind of like you reached this peak, a high point in your life. But that’s the most important time to reevaluate your goals, decide what’s meaningful in your life, and start working on incremental progress toward a new set of goals. Otherwise, you end up feeling depressed. RETURNING FROM A PEAK LIFE EXPERIENCE The trouble with getting what you want is that the momentum suddenly stops. If you don’t find something to transfer your efforts toward, your energy and enthusiasm begin to fade quickly. When there’s no forward momentum in your career, your relationship, or anything else, you tend to feel low

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s energy, depressed, and unsatisfied. This is a universal human phenomenon, but as you might have guessed, this phenomenon is far more powerful for men than it is for women. The reason has to do with his testosterone-driven desire to go after goals and “win.” BORED WITH A GREAT RELATIONSHIP If momentum is so important to guys, does that mean even a perfect relationship will gradually start to lose interest for him? It’s a painful question, but an important one to consider. Sadly, boredom with a great relationship often gets paired with the potential excitement of an affair. The seed of possibility is planted when he allows his mind to fantasize about what could happen if he allowed harmless flirtation to grow and mature into something more. Fortunately, the situation is not hopeless. Guys are not all pigs. For most of us, commitment and the genuine desire to make our partner happy will prevent us from straying from a great relationship. But is that the reason you want him to stick around? It seems like settling when you compare it to the raw power that momentum has for creating a relationship that flourishes forever. In a small way, you became one of my coaching clients when you purchased this course material. And I hold certain standards for my clients.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s It is my desire that each of my clients finds herself in a relationship with a man who is crazy about her. I want your guy to see you as the only one who will satisfy him. And to accomplish that, we need to build momentum into the fabric of your relationship. THE SOLUTION Never think of yourself as having “arrived.” Your relationship is always getting stronger or weaker. It never just stays the same. That may seem like bad news, but it’s actually great news for those who embrace the beauty of forward momentum in a relationship. Men need incremental progress, no matter how small. We need to feel like we’re working toward something that is worthwhile. That’s what lights up the parts of our brain that release energy and make us feel happy and engaged in life. Whenever a job, a relationship, or anything else seems finished, it becomes unfulfilling. SHOULD I PLAY HARD TO GET? You’ve probably heard of the “play hard to get” method for attracting a man. It is based on the idea of momentum. He feels like there is a challenge when he is pursuing you. While I am not an advocate of that method in its purest form, this method does work in some circumstances for short periods of time. It works because of the way a challenge lights up his interest and engagement toward achieving the desired relationship goal. It gives the

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s male mind something to go after. He experiences desire and a rush of adrenaline and pleasure when faced with the opportunity to go after a challenge. But I have something much better for you… Don’t play hard to get. Instead, play hard together. Play hard toward shared relationship goals that are hard to get. So instead of being the person who is hard to get, you want to create shared relationship goals that the two of you work together to achieve, even though your goals are hard to get. Do you see how that works? If you make yourself the only target for the “hard to get” game, you are playing a game that will run out of juice very quickly. But if you work together to enrich each other’s lives with never-ending opportunities to pursue happiness and life satisfaction, the possibilities become endless.

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TINY PROGRESS IS ALL IT TAKES Research shows that tiny progress is as powerful as huge breakthroughs in work satisfaction. The number one cause of job burnout? It’s when you’re not moving toward anything. It’s torture. The new field of positive psychology has revealed the number one greatest secret to happiness. And it wasn’t what people expected. Because researchers were looking for life circumstances that correlated with happiness. What did they find instead? Progress. People feel happiest when they are making tiny progress toward any goal they have decided is worth going after. Do you want to feel happier today? Then set some small goals and don’t worry about achieving them. Just focus on making a little progress.

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER… “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” This phenomenon of the human mind works against long-term relationships. But you can use this human quirk to your own advantage. Here’s how.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s Talk with your partner about hopes and dreams for the future (both yours and his). Discuss aspirations that would give you more freedom, fun, and anything else you want. Why? Because the currency of happy relationships is progress. Make his future with you into “the other side of the fence.” You accomplish that by talking (often) about how to make the next date, next week, next month, or next year the best one yet. This will divert his wandering attention from other women and focus it instead on leaping to the other side of the fence… while holding your hand. Maximize each other’s pleasure What I’m about to tell you is extremely important. I don’t want you to miss it. What I’m about to share is conceptual. If you don’t understand the concept, you will miss out. Big time. The concept is this. The real key to building meaning and purpose into your relationship is making it your shared goal as a couple to maximize each other’s pleasure. Now let me explain that further. We’ve talked a lot about fascination and the masculine instincts that drive your man. The key to tying those instincts to your own life is to get him to

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s sink his teeth into a new challenge that is directly tied to the relationship you share. You see, most couples assume the point of being in a relationship is to make each other happy, but they never make that a conscious goal that they actually talk about! They never discuss it as a couple. This is where you are really going to shine from now on. You will no longer hold back when it comes to seeking pleasure. You will bring it up as a serious topic of conversation as many times as it takes until he realizes you are serious. You actually want him to admit all the big and small desires he has so that the two of you can work toward those desires consciously, on purpose, and as a couple. There will be no holding back. It will be an all-out race to have as much adventure, as much fun, and as much full-life fulfillment as two humans can possibly achieve. YES, THIS IS FOR NEW RELATIONSHIPS TOO Before you start panicking, thinking this idea will only apply to married couples or those in long-term, committed relationships, I need to assure you otherwise. From the very first date you can approach the entire relationship as an exercise in open communication about how to enhance each other’s lives. You can activate his meaning and purpose triggers right from the start.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s BUT WHAT IF WE DON’T WANT THE SAME THINGS? Stop pretending like you want the same things as everyone else. Stop pretending that what society thinks you should want is what you actually want. What makes you happy is going to be unique. Realizing that gives you the freedom to start figuring out what that is. When you do this together as a couple, dramatic improvements in your quality of life can take place in a very short period of time. You and your partner are not supposed to want the exact same things. Working as a team to make each other happy will involve a lot of taking turns and looking for synergistic ways to meet each other’s needs. To illustrate this concept, I’d like to share an article I wrote on a related concept. This article uses a single date as an example of an opportunity to have fun with the process of trying to make each other happy. As you read this, remember that the actual activities are not the point. The real point is activating his sense of meaning, his drive to go after challenges and be a provider of the things you need. If you can trigger those instincts to work in favor of your relationship with him, momentum will be on your side. THE PERFECT DATE Are your dates beginning to feel a little stale and predictable? It happens. Dinner and a movie is exciting the first time you share it with someone new, but it can become ho-hum after a while.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s So what do you do to inject some energy and passion into your dates? I recommend you make a date out of the process of searching for “the perfect date.” Here’s how you do it. Start with a conversation. You and your partner go out to dinner with one item on the agenda. You’re going to engineer the most exciting, unforgettable date you can imagine. And I mean that. Let your imagination run wild. This is a brainstorming conversation. No idea is too outlandish. Don’t worry about being realistic or sticking to a budget. If your perfect date would include a flight to Paris, that goes on the list. Silly things are okay, too. Still kind of fond of those Friday nights in middle school you spent at the roller skating rink? Put that on the list! Don’t be shy during the brainstorming session, and don’t worry about sounding selfish. Even if there are things you want to do that you know your partner hates, list them. Later on the two of you can work together to find creative compromises. The goal during this first conversation is to get it all out there. This is important because one of the things that causes stale dates is a narrow range of shared interests. We tend to think of dates as all or nothing adventures. He likes to go to NASCAR races, but you hate the noise. You like elegant restaurants, but he feels out of place. There’s no way to mix the two, so you default to something you can both

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s enjoy, like dinner and a movie. Sure, it’s still fun, but it’s far from either person’s ideal date. In a way, the relationship ends up holding both of you back. No wonder people get antsy and start to stray. But there are a few secrets to getting over that hump. Here’s the first. Sometimes it can be fun to do something the other person enjoys just because they enjoy it, even if you don’t. That’s why it’s important to have this brainstorming conversation. It gives you both an opportunity to see the other person’s eyes light up as you discuss ideas. Especially the unrealistic ones. My second secret for constructing the perfect date is obvious when you think about it, but a lot of couples miss it. You can do some things in small doses. Why not pair an activity he likes with something you’d enjoy, doing both on the same date? It might require a change of clothes half way through the night, but that will only make it more fun. Which leads to my third secret. Get creative. Maybe the ideal dinner date would include a flight to Paris. Is there some other destination, maybe one within driving distance that could also be romantic? Who knows? You might end up planning a whole weekend. There are no rules! Forget about being conventional. Think outside the box together and see what you can dream up. Finally, here’s the last secret. This brainstorming and planning session we’re talking about? It makes a surprisingly good date, itself. That’s right. Even as you and your guy plan out the perfect date, you’ll be experiencing a magical evening together.

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s Sneaky in a good way, huh? Your relationship is unique. It’s 100% special. Different from all others. Treat it that way! Take the time to plan out the perfect date with your partner, and savor every minute of the experience, both in the planning and execution. If you do, stale, boring dates can be a thing of the past. Do you see the different mentality that emerges when you stop trying to conform and instead conspire with each other to increase happiness? That’s what I love about this idea. The two of you intertwine your minds in a shared mission. That mission can become a primary source of meaning and purpose in his life. When that happens, your intimacy will dwarf that experienced by most other couples. And again, this works from the very beginning of a brandnew relationship just as well as it works in the middle of an existing relationship. I know it’s hard to see the full implications of the method I’m teaching you. But stop and think about it for just a moment. We are using the power of synergy. Each factor is powerful on its own, but when these factors are stacked on top of each other, the result is more than just additive. Instead, there is an exponential effect. In the 90s, before the health risks of this method were recognized, bodybuilders used something called “the stack” to shred off fat and get ripped in time for their bodybuilding contests. You see, bodybuilders don’t stay thin year-round. They bulk up during

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T h e S e c r e t C u r r e n c y o f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s the winter months, eating more calories than their bodies actually need to put on a lot of extra muscle. But that extra muscle comes with extra fat as well, which hides the muscle beneath it. When it’s time for the bodybuilding season to start, they go on strict diets to lose as much fat as possible so their muscles really stand out when posing for the judges and audience. And here’s a common way bodybuilders got an edge when trying to lose weight fast. They stacked together three supplements: ephedrine, aspirin, and caffeine. Ephedrine by itself speeds up the metabolism and lowers appetite. Caffeine by itself can increase the body’s metabolism of fat and actually increase the percentage of energy that comes from the body’s fat stores. But when you add caffeine and ephedrine together, it’s more than just a one plus one effect. There’s a synergistic effect that causes the two to create five times the fat burning effect. And for some reason, adding a small dose of aspirin to this makes this “stack” even more powerful and synergistic. The end result is something far more powerful than you would expect based on the power of any of the separate ingredients on their own. In the same way, we are stacking several components that have a powerful synergistic effect. We start with… 1.

The primal drives men have to feel powerful and capable of providing while doing something meaningful (The Hero Instinct). Those are the very same drives that many women fight against

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2. 3.

rather than use to their advantage. Then we add the power of momentum, which activates recurring surges of happiness that comes from making progress. Finally, we fold these two forces back in on the relationship itself.

In the next module I want to give you some specific examples to show you how to put the Momentum Method into action.

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t

MODULE EIGHT Rocket Fuel: How to Build Relationship Momentum Fast KEY LESSON Build your relationship into something he would be very reluctant to lose. Intertwine your life with his. The Momentum Method is a relationship tool. It teaches you how to create a new foundation for your romantic relationship. The new foundation is built on the pursuit of shared goals. These goals will intertwine your life with his. Weaving a tapestry that is as beautiful to behold as it is fun to create. The Momentum Method is all about moving toward what you want more of in your life. The secret sauce behind the Momentum Method is that you do this as a couple rather than separately as individuals.

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t SHARED RELATIONSHIP GOALS “When we try to pick out something by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.” ~ John Muir Shared goals are all about building something together. But not just anything. These shared goals have to have one special quality: momentum. The goals you choose to pursue as a couple should have two special qualities: 1. 2.

They are enjoyable right now as you pursue them, and They build toward even more enjoyment in the future.

Let’s take a look at three ideas for shared goals. I’ll use them to contrast what works and what doesn’t. One of the three meets the momentum criteria and two do not. See if you can tell which one is the winner. For the sake of this illustration, let’s assume the couple is a 34-year-old man (Ryan) who works as a financial advisor, and a 29-year-old woman (Jenny) who started dating him about two months ago. They met at a Chamber of Commerce meeting in the small town where Jenny owns of a salon. Jenny wants to spend more time with Ryan, and she wants to put the principles of the Momentum Method to work. So she tries to think of a shared goal. Something they can work toward and enjoy as a couple. 1.

Her first idea is to invite Ryan to join her love of gardening by

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2.

3.

creating a shared gardening space for vegetables behind her house. She figures they could enjoy the process and also look forward to making a meal with the fruit of their labor a few months down the road. Her second idea is to invite him to join her for some Tai Chi classes. She figures it’s the kind of skill that brings relaxation and health for the long-term and she hopes he will see it as an opportunity to develop his health and well-being while simultaneously spending some time with her. Her third idea was to make a long list of all the local and distant places each of them would love to visit but simply never made time for. She figured they could start with local restaurants they want to try and gradually move toward weekend getaways (as the relationship matures) or even four-day long weekend trips to visit some of the more remote locations, like the redwood forests, the Grand Canyon, and the Virgin Islands.

You might be thinking all of these examples seem to fit the concept of building momentum toward a shared goal in the future. But one is far superior than the others. It’s the third one. Let me show you why. The third example has a unique characteristic that the others lack. It taps into desires that already exist. It taps into root-level excitement by channeling activities a person would already have an emotional attachment to. Then it grabs those emotions of excitement and desire and ties them into the relationship itself. The relationship actually becomes an excuse to do some of the very things Ryan has wanted to do for a while. Things he kept putting off in service of being “sensible,” saving money, and investing time

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t in getting his career off the ground. The other two ideas are nice, but they lack the excitement of momentum that builds toward larger possibilities. Yes, planting a garden can be peaceful and relaxing. They might have some great conversations while sitting quietly in the shade and tending the soil. But Jenny is missing the opportunity to tap into the momentum of Ryan’s desires. Similarly, tai chi is a rewarding activity that builds toward lasting health benefits over time. The idea of learning a new skill together is on the right track. But one thing is missing. It does not tap into his existing hopes and desires for the future. Here is the key difference. The first two options are like trying to build a relationship from the ground up. You start from nothing and try to develop new interests and shared goals. In contrast, Jenny’s third idea rests on the solid power of existing desire. As a result, Jenny is tying the relationship to momentum that already exists in Ryan’s emotional world. The momentum of his emotion works in favor of wanting more of what they are building together as a shared relationship goal (to explore the world together). This is just one example. The truth is, once you understand the underlying principle, you can apply this principle in thousands of different ways.

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t In essence, your job is to learn what he wants and then link those wants to his relationship with you. THE NEW AND IMPROVED “MIXED TAPE” Here’s another simple example to bring the idea of the Momentum Method to life. Again, this is just one example from thousands you’ll be able to think of yourself once you have fully grasped the basic formula. Back in the 80s, couples loved giving each other mixed tapes as gifts. They represented a gift of time, because you had to work hard to find and physically record your partner’s favorite songs. These gifts also represented attention, care, and shared history because to know your partner’s favorite songs, you have to have at least some shared history with them. In this age of digital music, it’s much easier. But don’t let that fool you. It still takes some effort to build a collection of your favorite tunes, songs you and your partner both enjoy. Here’s how you put this specific Momentum Method idea to work. Start a specific playlist that you will both add to overtime as your relationship develops. You could even create multiple playlists for different occasions (e.g., lovemaking, preparing dinner together, or even Saturday morning chores). Again, notice how this method taps into something both of you already enjoy. It then takes that enjoyment to a new level by making it a part of your relationship. His favorite songs get tied to his anticipation of

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t spending time with you. Plus, energy gets activated when you both look forward to working on this project again in the future. It’s not something you’re likely to finish all in one sitting. In fact, I would encourage you not to. It’s in your best interest to let this play out over time as a work in progress. MEANINGFUL GOALS Momentum is one of the “signals” for his hero instinct. Momentum naturally brings feelings of meaning and purpose, even if the momentum is toward nothing more than pleasurable recreation. The reason is simple. It’s the same reason you can be so emotionally involved in a fictional novel. You really care about the characters. If given an opportunity, you would actually risk your time, energy, and possibly even your life to help the characters in those stories (if you could enter their world). You’ve become attached to people who never actually existed in a story that never actually happened. It’s fiction, yet it grabs our emotions as if it really mattered. That emotional attachment is possible because professional novel writers have learned the trick to tapping into your emotion. You know what it is? It’s setting up a goal for the main character and then writing a plot that involves frustrations that block the character from achieving that goal. The author avoids resolving all the problems until the very end when you reach a satisfying conclusion.

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t Have you ever gotten really involved in a video game you wanted to “win” at? Maybe it was Mario Bros. on Nintendo when you were a kid, or maybe it was a simple app on your phone or iPad like Candy Crush or Bejeweled. Videogames keep the dopamine flowing in the reward center of our brain. It’s a challenge with continuous feedback. That constant feedback makes the challenge seem real, present, and important even though you consciously know it’s just a game. Here’s my point. Progress is fascinating. It holds our attention. That’s why you can hook a man’s interest and energy even with recreational goals. So long as you choose shared relationship goals that have an element of momentum, you have created a recipe for success. But to become even more sophisticated with this technique, you should also look for opportunities to connect with his deeper sense of meaning and purpose. I’m talking about things that are not merely recreational, but rather the kinds of things that we feel proud of when we look back at our lives and judge whether or not we have lived a life that mattered. The truth is, everyone matters. You don’t have to accomplish great things to have infinite worth. Nonetheless, men are hardwired with a deep need to prove their worth. Men try to prove their worth by providing. So give him a way to provide. Connect his efforts to the relationship he shares with you.

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Ro c ke t Fu e l : H o w t o B u i l d Re l a t i o n s h i p M o m e n t u m Fa s t Do you remember the distinction I made between Jenny’s first two ideas for shared goals and the third one that involved traveling the world together? That was an example of a recreational goal they could share as a couple. The reason the third idea was the best was because it built on the momentum of what was already present in his world of desires. When you tap into his desire to be a provider, you are doing the same thing. You are tapping into a desire that already exists in his emotional world. But you are taking that desire and channeling it toward your relationship.

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How to become His Secret Obsession

MODULE NINE How to become His Secret Obsession KEY LESSON Position yourself in the eye of the storm, at the center of his raging impulse to become a part of something significant. Momentum is powerful. Tapping into his drive to provide is powerful. But I want you to go a step further. I want you to become the most significant thing in his world. To accomplish that, we are going to position you in the eye of the storm, at the center of his raging impulse to become a part of something significant. “There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” Willa Cather A LIFE OF SIGNIFICANCE Everyone understands the desire to live a life that matters. We all want to be significant. On our deathbed, looking back over the course of our lives, none of us

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How to become His Secret Obsession will wish we spent more time at the office or watching TV. All of us will judge our lives based on the impact we had on the people we care about. In the end, it’s people that matter most. The legacy we leave derives its meaning from the impact it has on the people we care about. But what if nobody understands what you were trying to achieve? Is it still satisfying? Why Communication Is Not Enough The divorce rate would not be so high if good communication skills were sufficient to build a lasting romance. After all these years of researching and discussing communication, shouldn’t we be making more progress? The fact is, communication is not enough. It won’t repair relationships that have been damaged by gradually drifting apart. Relationships that were once beautiful can lose their luster. This happens when partners no longer see each other as the most significant thing in their world. Eventually, the small problems that come up aren’t even worth working through because the relationship is no longer significant and meaningful enough to be worth fighting for. So, if communication skills are not enough to maintain a strong bond with your partner, what can you do? How can you become more significant to

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How to become His Secret Obsession your partner? Feeling understood is what matters. Yes, communication can help with this, but it’s not the real goal. I can memorize Italian phrases, but if I don’t know what they mean, I’m not really speaking Italian. In the same way, communication is only valuable to the extent that it actually allows you to understand your partner. Feeling understood is profoundly intimate. When you and your partner both feel you understand each other — understand each other’s needs, understand each other’s secret desires, and understand what matters to each of you in this life — it builds a lasting connection, meaning, and a purpose for being together as a unit. How to Make Him Feel Understood If it’s being understood that builds feelings of significance, how do you ensure he feels understood? If good communication skills aren’t enough, what is enough? As Allison Armstrong likes to point out, “Men are not just hairy women with bad manners.” They are entirely different creatures. Recognizing that fact allows you to connect with the person he really is instead of taking offense at the ways he is different from you. It allows you to discover and cherish the masculine traits that are such a big part of who he is and how he experiences the world.

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How to become His Secret Obsession Between you and your female friends, good communication skills are at the core of the bond that allows you to feel mutually understood. Isn’t that true? I realize you probably have a few female friends who are not very understanding, not very good listeners, or just so interested in their own drama that they fail to give you any real emotional support. Because of such experiences, it’s natural you would assume good listening and communication skills are what make all the difference. But for men, it doesn’t work that way. Yes, good listening skills still matter, but there’s something that matters even more. Show him you understand the things that make him feel alive. In other words, show him you “get it.” You understand him. I’m talking about discussions that reveal you understand the hidden secrets of his masculine instincts. I’m talking about your power to become the one person in this world who truly has his back. Let’s pause to discuss what that phrase means. Men often say, “I want someone who will have my back.” But women are often confused by this phrase. When I tell women how much men want someone who will “have their back,” they often ask, “What exactly does that mean?” Why would a man care so much about someone having his back? The answer to that question is at the root of what I’m trying to share

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How to become His Secret Obsession with you right now. When he says, “I want her to have my back,” he is communicating the following messages: • • •

“I want a partner I can rely on and trust no matter what the world throws at us.” “I want someone who will support me as I pursue my mission in life.” “I want someone who will defend me even if she secretly questions my judgment on a given issue.”

It’s this last bullet point that is most crucial and easiest to misunderstand. So let me explain what it means from a man’s perspective. When two guys bond as true friends, an unspoken alliance forms between the two of them. The alliance means both men will defend each other as a matter of honor and allegiance to the relationship. And here’s the amazing part that many women find surprising. They will defend each other even if they believe their friend is in the wrong. That’s what it means when a guy says “I’ve got your back.” It is a literal reference to the act of two men putting their backs to each other so that assailants are unable to attack from behind. It’s a masculine instinct to place the defense of one’s comrades at a higher priority than being right. Let me illustrate with a short example. Tom and Bill enter a bar where they have a good time for around 90 minutes before deciding it’s time to leave. Tom is surprised to see Bill staggering a bit on the way out the door. Apparently, Bill drank a little too much and too fast on an empty stomach.

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How to become His Secret Obsession As they exit, Tom holds the door open for a woman who is just entering. Bill is a step or two behind Tom. And instead of continuing out the door, he stops the woman and tries to strike up a conversation with her. She offers a polite smile but tries to dismiss the conversation and make her way into the bar. But Tom, judgment and inhibition lowered by his inebriated state, puts his hand on the woman’s shoulder, trying to stop her from walking away so he can say one more thing. Suddenly, a large man ten years younger than Bill with a muscular frame practically flies across the room. He gets in Bill’s face and tells him to keep his grubby hands off his girl. Meanwhile, Tom had turned and watched this scene unfold with his own measure of disapproval the instant he saw Bill’s inappropriate and unwelcomed gesture toward the woman. In fact, he was just stepping back inside to intervene by putting his arm around his buddy’s shoulder to guide him out the door when the woman’s boyfriend suddenly flashed across the room. Tom’s primary objective suddenly changes. He puffs up his chest, deepens his vocal tone, and adopts a wider stance as he puts his palms upward, approaching the boyfriend, saying, “Whoa buddy. Hang on there. He didn’t do anything wrong. Just back off.” Why would Tom say “He didn’t do anything wrong,” when he was just about to intervene because of the opposite opinion? The answer is that he has his buddy’s back.

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How to become His Secret Obsession Who’s wrong and who’s right no longer matters when your buddy is under attack. You have his back no matter what. That’s what the concept means to a man. He believes that if you want to become the most significant person in his life, then you’ll show it. How? By having his back. In fact, I don’t think it’s stretching things to say you cannot become the most significant person in his life unless you do have his back. Women are wired differently when it comes to taking sides. In fact, a woman is naturally tuned-in to whether or not her man seems to be going in the right direction. That’s because her own survival and the survival of her offspring have historically been dependent on being hitched to a man who knows what he’s doing. If he’s leading the family down the path to starvation, her loyalty needs to shift. She may actually have to leave him if he consistently makes bad choices or makes enemies with the majority of the tribe. Because of this, women don’t automatically and unquestioningly support a man when the going gets tough. She may question his judgment. And maybe she should. But if you do need to question his judgment, it’s best to do so in a way that first shows you’ve got his back. Allow me to illustrate the difference. Scenario #1: Matt decides to buy a used car. He occasionally reads articles about hot rod vehicles and he knows quite a bit about vehicle repair. Matt and

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How to become His Secret Obsession Janice are engaged, so Janice has an interest in the vehicle Matt ultimately chooses. Matt’s first inclination is to think practically about what he will need the vehicle for in the future. But when he shows up on the car lot, his fascination with less practical, sporty-looking vehicles causes Janice some concern. She wonders if he has even considered the possibility that they might have children within a year or two and that he should therefore be more concerned about safety features than horsepower. Janice is wise in the ways of men. She knows better than to bring up her concern right in front of the car salesman Matt is excitedly talking to. She knows it would feel like a public demonstration of disrespect and lack of appreciation for his knowledge about cars if she told him he was being impulsive and immature to even consider these sporty little cars. Instead, Janice asks the car salesman if there is a way she could have a cup of water. The salesman offers coffee and heads inside at a brisk pace when she accepts. Janice then asks Matt if it’s okay with him if she voices some of her own thoughts about the vehicle choice given that they will soon be sharing most of their resources. Matt feels encouraged by her interest and glad to hear her talking about some of the cool features of the cars he is currently standing in front of. She then says, “That car salesman is a fast talker. We should probably decide on a strategy before he comes back. Actually, is it okay with you if we agree right now that we won’t make a purchase today? That way, no matter how much he pressures us we’ll have time to sleep on it and the

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How to become His Secret Obsession opportunity to look through Consumer Reports and consider some of the safety features and other things that will probably be important to us in years to come, especially if we have kids soon.” Scenario #2: Jack and Liz are at a friend’s backyard barbecue with about 14 other adults gathered for a birthday party. It’s a warm summer day and Jack is visibly sweating. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that the party was for one of Liz’s friends, and it was her first opportunity to show off her new boyfriend to some of her friends who have not yet met Jack. Before leaving his apartment, Liz had asked Jack to put on a nicer shirt. He refused, instead grabbing a long sleeve flannel shirt to wear over top the T-shirt. When she said he would get too hot, he blew her off. Liz felt a mix of anger and satisfaction when Jack finally pulled off the flannel shirt and tied it around his waist. About that same time, one of her friends approached along with a boyfriend, who was someone Jack knew from another social circle. The boyfriend made a lighthearted jab at Jack, saying it looked like he was wearing a skirt with his shirt tied around his waist like that. It seemed like the kind of harmless banter guys engage in all the time, but Liz could tell Jack was feeling a bit self-conscious about being underdressed with dampness showing in the armpits of his T-shirt, so she took the opportunity to prove her point. “I know. Isn’t he gross? He’s sweating like a pig.” Jack seemed more than a little distant on the way home. Liz felt irritated at him and felt her comment was justified. But apparently, that interaction

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How to become His Secret Obsession flipped some kind of switch for Jack. He seemed less enthusiastic about the relationship in the days that followed, and a few weeks later he said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore and they broke up. Now that you’ve heard both scenarios, I’m sure it’s obvious to you which approach I’m advocating. But I’ll just point out a few things to ensure you didn’t miss any of the subtle differences. BRILLIANT CHOICES AND DEADLY MISTAKES In Scenario #1, Janice wanted Matt to slow down and think before making an irrational car purchase. But she didn’t want him to feel like she didn’t have his back in the stressful negotiation with a car salesman. Janice she first framed the car salesman as an outsider, someone they had to work against together in order to achieve their common goal. Only then did she remind Matt of their common goal and suggest a way they could work together (looking at Consumer Reports) later that day. She was able to influence him because she did so from within the sacred interpersonal space accessible only to a person who “has his back.” When Janice operates this way, she becomes more significant to Jack. She becomes the insider, his teammate, the person he can rely on as the two of them pit themselves against the world. Imagine what happens to her significance in his life if she instead becomes an obstacle to his drive for adventure and fun. She could have easily made that mistake by putting herself between him and his desire for a hot sports car.

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How to become His Secret Obsession Instead, she reconnected his thoughts to his drive to provide for her and their future together. Brilliant. In the second scenario, Liz wants Jack to take her more seriously in the future when she makes a wardrobe recommendation. That is her goal. But the way she pursues that goal flips a switch in Jack’s brain. Buried deep within his masculine instincts is a compulsion to only form deep bonds with those who prove their willingness to “have his back.” A social encounter at a barbecue may not seem like a big deal. After all, it’s not like he’s battling a mammoth with a teammate he has to count on if he hopes to come out alive. But that doesn’t really matter. At an instinctual level, the only thing that matters is whether or not the people you commit to will close ranks and defend you against harm, humiliation, or just even harsh criticism. If you can’t count on someone for the small stuff, you don’t know if they will be there for you when it really matters. You may be wondering, “What about the guy that commented about his shirt looking like a skirt tied around his waist? He didn’t have his back, did he?” Here’s the distinction. Giving someone a hard time is a way of connecting socially between men. The tone of voice and the context give the “all clear” sign so everyone knows there’s no real attack going on. It’s just playful ribbing. And sometimes, guys do this as a way of supporting each other since

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How to become His Secret Obsession they’re not very good at discreetly pointing out ways a person could improve something. On top of that, this guy was not in Jack’s inner circle. And if he was, he would never align himself with an outsider and make a comment designed to humiliate. That’s the mistake Liz made when she said, “I know. Isn’t he gross? He’s sweating like a pig.” The words, “I know” aligned her with someone other than Jack. She psychologically left his side. Instead of standing shoulder to shoulder with him, she essentially joined the two acquaintances shoulder to shoulder, turning to look at Jack and mock him. Further, she chose words that increased Jack’s emotional pain by leveraging her inside knowledge of the fact that he felt embarrassed. THE X-RAY QUESTION We’ve established that feeling understood is actually more important than good communication. But we’ve only barely touched the surface of what it means to feel understood. Let’s get back to that important topic now. The deepest level of understanding comes from knowledge of a person’s needs and desires. He’s getting his primary needs met somehow. If you learn how he is currently getting his needs met, you will discover many opportunities to become a source of the things he craves. Needs and desires. These are the two things I want you to train your mind to observe. Knowing someone’s needs and desires will allow you to give them the feeling of being understood.

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How to become His Secret Obsession There are many subtle layers of needs and desires you can learn about a person. But I want you to start at the top with the most important desire. I’m talking about his highest goal. It’s probably not what you would expect, so allow me to explain. His highest goal is actually a feeling. It’s the feeling he gets when he is actively living his life’s purpose. His highest goal is driven by a desire to live for and toward something meaningful. It’s different for each of us, but you can discover what it is by asking him to use just one word to explain why a recent activity felt particularly meaningful. It goes like this. You ask him to consider the past month and describe one moment when he felt really good, like he was participating in something particularly meaningful. You then ask him what made it feel meaningful. You ask why it felt good. At first, his responses will be surface level. If that’s the case, just keep asking, “And what was it about that experience that felt good to you?” By asking this question a few times you will quickly drill down to just one phrase or one word that represents one of his highest goals in life. Here’s an example to show you what I mean. When Jillian asked Paul about a meaningful experience from the past month, he said, “Hmm, I guess it would be last Friday afternoon when I was getting ready to catch a flight to North Carolina to help my brother and his wife move to their new house.” So Jillian asked, “What was it about that moment that felt meaningful to you?”

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How to become His Secret Obsession Paul answered, “It felt like I was doing something important. I felt free and I also felt like there was nothing I would rather be doing with my time at that moment than getting ready to help my brother. It just put me in a good mood.” In this instance, Jillian can immediately recognize one core value represented by this experience. Paul values freedom. More specifically, he values the freedom to spend his time on the things that matter to him. Paul’s response wasn’t something she expected to hear. Since he often talked about work accomplishments she expected he would say something about a breakthrough at work or an important meeting. When he described his feeling of freedom she could see his eyes light up. He seemed to simultaneously become more relaxed and energized. Jillian was able to recognize that, for Paul, a feeling of freedom was among his highest needs and desires. He was a man who rigidly used routines to force himself to work hard. He was disciplined and responsible, but Jillian was able to glimpse one of his deepest desires. This gives her power. With this knowledge, she can become more significant in his life as one of the few people who encourages him to create more frequent opportunities to bask in complete freedom. Paul had a three-year-old son from a previous relationship. He was a good father and made an effort to spend one-on-one time with his son. Paul owned a house and was always on top of the landscaping, so his

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How to become His Secret Obsession lawn looked trimmed and the flowerbeds weed-free. He was the kind of guy people could rely on at work. He was always prompt for dates with Jillian, always controlled and careful about what he said. But he lived for a sense of freedom. Interesting. Imagine the ways Jillian can put this knowledge to work. She could become a catalyst for increased freedom in Paul’s life in both big and small ways. How should she begin? She should begin by encouraging Paul to dream with her. We all need someone in our life who will encourage us to dream big. Life often beats us down and causes us to accept the constraints of life as inevitable burdens we must endure forever. Sometimes it helps when someone points out our happiest moments and encourages us to actively seek more of those moments. Paul may have gradually accepted many things, things that could be re-examined. For example, Paul’s success at work means it’s no longer necessary for him to mow his own lawn. He makes too much money per hour for it to be worth his time when a teenager down the street would be overjoyed for the opportunity to make a few bucks. That’s an hour of recaptured freedom on a warm Saturday morning. If Jillian becomes the catalyst for that kind of thinking, can you see how she would become more significant in his life? She is choosing to become more significant to him by aligning herself with the process of meeting his needs and desires.

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How to become His Secret Obsession As she thinks about it, Jillian realizes Paul has mentioned a goal of early retirement several times in casual conversation. She suddenly realizes the connection. He works hard and probably saves a large portion of his paycheck toward the goal of one day experiencing freedom from work while others still have one or two decades left of answering to their boss five days a week. So Jillian tries to think up a few date ideas that don’t cost much money but still provide her everything she wants from a date. She realizes a walk through the woods ending with a delicious picnic lunch on a sunny Saturday morning would bring feelings of freedom and relaxation for both of them. So she suggests it. Later on, if the relationship becomes more serious, there are endless possibilities for taking this freedom idea even further. For example, she might encourage him to brainstorm ways he could increase feelings of freedom even before he saves enough money to quit working. He could work as a consultant in his area of expertise and only working four days per week. Or she might suggest they both sign up for credit cards that allow them to save up points that can be put toward discounted last-minute weekend getaways. The point is that she becomes the one person in his life who understands what he wants and helps him get more of it. He’s going to get that need met whether she helps are not. But if she wants to become the most significant person in his life, this is an easy way to do it.

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How to become His Secret Obsession CONFLICTING DESIRES? What about Jillian’s own needs? What if her desires conflict with his? First of all, when a person’s needs are being met, it puts them in a generous mood. People become more selfish and self-centered when they are hurting, not when they are flourishing. So Jillian’s efforts are likely to rebound. She will reap what she sows. He will look for ways to enhance her life and show his appreciation for the joy she brings to his. Second, conflicting desires are much easier to overcome when both partners are actively working to meet each other’s needs. Entrenched patterns of self-serving behavior and stubborn refusal to compromise come to an end. That’s because self-serving interactions only arise when two people are defensively trying to meet their own needs. Fortunately, paranoia and jealousy are unable to gain a foothold in a relationship when both partners are looking for ways to maximize each other’s joy.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e

MODULE TEN Get Deeper Intimacy by Revealing More KEY LESSON Don’t feed him problems to solve. Let him discover them instead. Brené Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, and love. She set out on a journey to research what causes people to feel connected. After sorting through thousands of responses from surveys and interviews she gathered during her research, she realized there was one factor that seemed to determine whether or not a person felt connected. It had to do with the way people handle vulnerability and shame. Surprisingly, the more vulnerable we allow ourselves to be about the fact that we are not perfect, the greater the sense of belonging and love we feel from those around us. It turns out we all have feelings of guilt and shame, but some of us try to hide from those feelings. The more we try to hide our imperfections, the more we block out our ability to believe we are worthy of love and connection.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e But people who accept their own flaws and allow themselves to be vulnerable operate from the belief that it’s okay to be loved even when you’re not perfect. So what it all comes down to is a decision to be vulnerable, to have courage, and to accept ourselves as being lovable and worthy of love even when we are not perfect. This lets people into our lives in a way that causes us to seem more real to them. They empathize with our needs and flaws and vulnerabilities. And they feel more connected with us. In turn, we allow ourselves to feel loved because we have let other people see “the real me.” “The thing that I have learned is that vulnerability is at the center of fear and shame, but it is also at the center of joy and gratitude and love and belonging.” ~ Brené Brown I share all of this with you as a preface to something very important we are going to talk about next. I’m about to ask you to let your weaknesses show. I’m about to ask you to let your vulnerabilities be present in the relationship you have. Doing so serves as a “silent action” signal that pulls on his heart strings in a special way. Revealing vulnerabilities (needs, the real you, desires you’re slightly ashamed of) is not something you can make him do. He has to choose to do this himself. For this aspect of the relationship, your power only extends to yourself. But that is naturally the most important place to

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e start. Let him see the real you, which includes your real needs and your real desires. Doing so will allow him to sink his teeth into the mission of providing for you. This will cause him to feel his life and interactions with you are highly significant. Why? Because he will find more genuine opportunities to serve your true needs and desires. It’s the place of true intimacy and true connection that you can’t reach by any other means. There’s just no shortcut or substitute for being real. You’ll never do it perfectly, and that’s okay. But reach for open vulnerability and you’ll get into his heart in a way that can’t be done by trying to look good all the time. GO ONE STEP DEEPER THAN GOOD COMMUNICATION If you spend even a little time reading up on what makes a relationship work, you’ll come across a lot of advice on improving communication. Happy couples have good communication, right? Well, yes. But are they happy because they have good communication, or do they have good communication because they’re happy? A recent study from the University of Georgia confirms that good communication and romantic success DO go hand in hand. But good communication seems to be a side effect of relationship success, not the reason for it.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e Think of it like this. If you’re fit and healthy, you likely exercise and eat right. But you don’t work out because you’re already in shape. Rather, being in shape is one of the results of regular exercise and a smart diet. Good communication happens when there’s already a special foundation built on something deeper than just conversation. To go beyond mere communication, you need a unique and powerful kind of intimacy. Psychologist Douglas LaBier calls this level of romantic intimacy “Radical Transparency.” Radical transparency happens when two people are able to really be themselves around each other, totally open and honest. If you want to take your relationship to that level, you’ll need to do two things. 1. Be open about yourself. It’s important to put your best foot forward, especially at the beginning of a relationship. But casting yourself in the best possible light should never involve deception. Here’s an easy example. Don’t use a picture from 10 years ago on your dating profile. At a deeper level, being open about yourself means being candid about what you really want in this life, but also the ways you’ve failed to live up to your dreams. It’s just more relatable than painting a perfect picture of who you are.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e Here are some examples of what I mean: • What’s something you want to achieve that you haven’t succeeded with yet? • What is one character trait you want others to see in you even though you willingly admit you’re not there yet? • What’s something you want to go after in life, but you haven’t yet because of the way fear holds you back? Talking about those things will also encourage him to share the same kind of stuff with you. When he does... 2. Be receptive as your guy reveals himself to you. This is the other side of the coin. It feels good to be heard and to be validated. Guys may not talk much about their feelings, but they want acceptance and validation just as much as you do. And the whole thing is cyclical. Just like being open with him will encourage him to open up to you, being receptive when he shares will encourage him to be receptive toward you. This is radical transparency in action. It’s painfully easy to miss important opportunities to be receptive. For example, if he gets excited about his new smart phone, you might be tempted to roll your eyes and say, “Boys and their toys.” But that’s not being receptive. Instead, be the person he can share his passions with, both great and small. Especially when he reveals the “little boy” that is still a part of who he is.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e Good communication is important. It certainly plays a vital role in maintaining a successful relationship. But it’s not a romantic cure-all. The real secret is radical transparency. You should be able to be yourself around your guy, and he needs to be able to be himself. Not only that, but you both need to accept and validate one another. Master that and good communication will follow every time. ACKNOWLEDGE HIS NEED TO IMPRESS Do you remember those girls in high school who always seemed to have a way with guys? I’m not talking about anything inappropriate, but something more subtle and powerful that caused boys to feel romantically drawn toward them. Those girls intuitively realized one important thing about guys. They understood that a young man will fall all over himself for a girl who acknowledges his need to impress her. These girls played up their feminine appeal by sometimes putting on the damsel in distress impression. They stumbled upon what I now call the “Damsel in Distress Signal.” It’s not the most active way of asserting girl power, but you have to admit it works. And some intelligent women incorporate that bit of knowledge into their interactions with the more mature version of those same guys even to this day. How can you boost your romantic appeal by making use of his need to

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e impress? Let him help you. Let him be a provider. Recognize his strengths and abilities in real time by allowing him to “come to your rescue” in the tiniest ways. You have no idea how much joy it brings a man to be able to open a jar for his mother, wife, girlfriend, aunt, or grandmother. Don’t just be willing to let him help you. Actively draw him closer to you by feeding his desire to matter. If you sit down with a pencil and paper, you’ll have a hard time coming up with a list of more than five ways to acknowledge his need to impress. Fortunately, there’s a much better method. Start that list mentally in your head. Essentially, it is a seed you plant in your own mind, a question mark of sorts. Your mental list will act like a magnet for ideas. You’ll be surprised how quickly you begin to notice small ways to invite him to come to your rescue. Now, here’s a powerful upgrade. You’ll get much better results if you add this extra tip: Show him a need, but don’t tell him how to fix it. When you have all the ideas about how the relationship can grow and improve, it turns off his drive to take responsibility. How can you change this? Show him a need, but don’t offer a solution. This is a tremendous opportunity! It’s possible to draw him closer while doing less of the work to keep the relationship strong.

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e “An empty canvas is a living wonder—far lovelier than certain pictures.” Wassily Kandinsky

BEGIN AT THE END Project your mind to the positive end result you hope to bring into his life as a result of your relationship with him. Do you believe you can enrich his life? Will he be happier if he has you in his life? If so, picture that end result vividly in your mind’s eye. Picture it so vividly that it spills over into the way you interact with him now. This simple mental exercise will fill you with confidence and happiness. It will dispel feelings of shyness while causing you to feel relaxed and sure of yourself as you interact with him.

LESS CONTRIVED, MORE GENUINE People can tell when you are being fake. Earlier, I encouraged you to be vulnerable and open with your true needs and desires. Then, I told you to get creative so you can think of more ways to meet his need for feeling useful. Those creative ideas are useful, but they’re not as powerful as genuine needs. When you allow him to meet your genuine needs, you will find a deeper

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G e t D e e p e r I n t i m a c y b y Re v e a l i n g M o r e level of connection forming. That deeper level of connection arises because of the way your genuine needs trigger his provider instinct. Your genuine needs are like a key that fits perfectly into the lock of your man’s desire to be a provider. When turned, this key activates his desire to receive your approval as a good and worthy provider. He will crave your affirmation. At first glance, this sort of relationship may seem unbalanced. Yet it is an ancient and delicate balance of the male and female polarities. Its power to build feelings of significance between a man and a woman is derived from the natural way opposites attract. The rich qualities of your feminine appeal must contrast against the opposite polarity of his masculine instincts in order to reach a climax of romantic tension. And remember, romantic tension is a good thing. It is part of the beautiful dance of courtship that has been going on for thousands of years.

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m )

MODULE ELEVEN Three Things That Can Go Wrong (and how to fix them) KEY LESSON An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Here is the life-changing foundational concept of this course... You can attract a man more powerfully by building momentum and deeper layers of significance into the relationship you share. Bringing that new paradigm to life in your relationship is bound to create a bit of a shock wave if you do it all at once. So let’s talk about three problems you might face on your journey toward success: 1. 2. 3.

He misunderstands your sudden change. Your optimism polarizes him toward pessimism. You get scared and sabotage your own success. SUDDEN CHANGE

First, there’s a possibility he will misunderstand the sudden change

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) he perceives in your way of being with him. As you may already know, people tend to resist change. And that’s because change triggers fear of the unknown. As a result, the people who love us most (parents, best friend, siblings, romantic partner) sometimes try to sabotage even positive change when it happens suddenly. It just makes them nervous. Let me give you an example. Lisa grew up in a small farming community in Illinois, about 90 minutes’ drive west of Chicago. Lisa found that living in the city changed her tastes faster than she anticipated. She decided she wanted to drop a few pounds, update her wardrobe, and start acting like a more confident version of herself. During visits back home, some of her friends tried to “bring her back down to reality,” with comments designed to remind her who she “really was.” You could say her friends were jealous or that they thought she was putting on a fake front, but the reality was this. They just weren’t used to the new version of Lisa. So they resisted the change. Many of us back down when faced with this kind of peer pressure. We revert to “normal” to avoid resistance from friends and family. But if you don’t back down, something interesting happens… Your friends get used to the new you. If you change back to your old ways they ask what’s wrong and feel uncomfortable with that change as well.

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) So here’s the moral of the story. People will always resist change. That’s true whether it’s good change or bad change or somewhere in between. Don’t let other people hold you back from going after the life you feel is right for you. How does this apply to a romantic partner or love interest? Well, it’s just something to keep in mind. While he will ultimately love the changes, and feel powerfully drawn to you because of them, it is possible he might put up a little resistance or question your motives (at first). Don’t let this dissuade you. Press on. Don’t let his natural curiosity or hesitation about change make you think he doesn’t want it. He just doesn’t have the vision yet. That will soon change. Once he experiences the first wave of benefits, he will be all in. And I should remind you, most men will not balk at these positive changes even from the beginning. I only include this section here because some women back down out of nothing more than insecurity or nervousness when their guy asks why they are acting differently. POLARIZATION Now let’s turn our attention to the second problem I want to inoculate you against. It’s the possibility that your optimism could temporarily polarize him toward pessimism. Let me briefly explain what that means and then show you how to overcome it. The earth has a North Pole and the South Pole. They are at opposite ends

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) of the earth. That’s where the term “polarization” comes from. It’s also where the mental health diagnosis “bipolar disorder” comes from. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder in which a person’s moods vary from one extreme (manic with excessive energy and euphoria) to the other extreme (depression with loss of energy, low drive, and severe sadness). But in the context of our discussion, we are talking about polarization because of the way two people can become polarized (pushed to opposite extremes). When people are polarized, it means they adopt a more extreme position (viewpoint or mental stance) in reaction to the position adopted by those they are interacting with. Here’s an example of how it happens: Two parents, Monica and Jeff, are watching their three-year-old son playing in a sandbox. Monica and Jeff share the same basic beliefs about parenting styles and disciplinary methods. But when their son, Isaac, purposefully flings some sand toward them with his little shovel, Monica and Jeff run into a little disagreement. Neither parent thought the behavior was appropriate. They both intended to correct little Isaac. But Jeff’s initial reaction ends up polarizing Monica’s response to the situation. Jeff leaps up, grabs Isaac by the scruff of the neck and speaks in a very stern voice that makes Isaac begin to cry.

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) Monica thinks Jeff has overreacted a bit and scolds him for being too dramatic. “He was just playing. There’s no need to treat him like he tried to poke your eye out.” Unfortunately, Monica’s comment polarizes Jeff as he seeks to defend his position. A moment earlier he would have agreed with her, but because of the way polarization works, he replies… “Do you want to be the one to explain to the other parents why we let our kids fling sand in their kid’s eyes requiring a trip to the eye doctor? We have to nip this in the bud, which is why it was important for me to scare him a little bit.” The truth is, 60 seconds earlier, Jeff would not have been an advocate for scaring his son. But polarization causes him to take a more drastic view to oppose his partner than what he otherwise would have taken. You can probably imagine Monica’s response. “You are being absolutely ridiculous, Jeff! As if a grain of sand is going to get lodged in some kids’ eye. You probably shouldn’t have even punished him for that. It was just exploratory play!” While Monica probably would have administered some kind of punishment herself (if Jeff wasn’t around), her interaction with Jeff has now polarized her to the point that she claims no punishment was even needed. This is how polarization works between two people. It pushes us to take extreme positions. Now let’s get back to our discussion of how polarization could cause a

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) hiccup when you initially attempt to implement the Momentum Method. Here’s what sometimes happens. You suddenly become optimistic about what the two of you can accomplish together by setting extraordinary goals, supporting each other in the pursuit of fun, and really going after life with vigor. Your sudden optimism might cause a somewhat polarized response where he tries to balance your perspective by being a little bit more on the negative side. When this happens, don’t panic. Nothing has gone wrong. This is a natural reaction people have when the balance they are used to changes suddenly in one direction. What should you do about it? If he becomes negative, saying you are exaggerating the true possibilities of your freedom together, should you give up? Of course not! Your job is simply to acknowledge the truth behind his words and then press on toward your goal. Acknowledging the truth of his balancing perspective will cause him to become de-polarized. The more you agree with someone’s opposing perspective the less polarized they become. For example, imagine if he says, “I love the idea of working together to enjoy our free time more, but I think you’re not being realistic. We both have busy careers and we can’t just forget about that because we want to have a good time.” You should respond with something like this:

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) “Oh, I know you’re right about that. That’s just the reality of our situation. Still, it would make me immensely happy if we made this our goal, even if it’s only partially achievable in real life. What do you say, will you try it with me even if we don’t make any drastic changes?” This kind of response will bypass his need to “balance you.” He will see he does not need to argue the other side. As a result, he will become open to being emotionally moved by the desires your suggestions are tugging at in his heart and soul. SABOTAGE Now let’s examine the third potential barrier to change. It’s the possibility that you might get scared and sabotage your own success. I know, I know, you would never do that, right? But people do! Let me show you why it happens so you can prevent this from happening to you. As you and your partner start to use ideas from this course, you may suddenly feel ungrounded. Many of the routines and slow, monotonous goals you had been working on in your relationship will suddenly fall away and be replaced by a whirlwind of increasing intimacy. Because of the way the Momentum Method unleashes energy, you will tap into more energy than you are used to. This can cause you to feel afraid in the same way you might feel afraid when turning around and seeing just how high you have gone while climbing a mountain. It’s the same thing that can happen when you suddenly reach a new level of financial success. Some people are hit with feelings of guilt or fear

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) of loss. And that causes them to shut down the very actions that were causing their financial success. When these sorts of feelings arise, your job is to acknowledge them as normal reactions based on outdated warning signals from your past. In the past, spending so much energy during your free time would mean you were setting yourself up for an energy crisis or a crash after your energy is depleted. But that’s because you were living on a lower energyplane with less ability to tap into momentum. Similarly, climbing to new heights of relationship momentum gets labeled as something fake or something that cannot be trusted. That’s because with your old way of doing things, sudden changes of this magnitude would be unexplainable and therefore something to be approached with a measure of skepticism. Your job is to remind yourself that those warning signals are based on outdated mental software. Doing so will instantly relieve your sense of anxiety. It will help you refocus on enjoying your new ability to accelerate relationship momentum. Now that we’ve covered some of the things that can get in your way, let’s turn our attention to getting the ball rolling. There’s an easy psychological trick I want to show you. It’s a way to get buy-in from your man as you implement the Momentum Method.

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) THE FOOT-IN-THE-DOOR TECHNIQUE: HOW TO GET THINGS ROLLING Starting the Momentum Method is easy when you understand this one principle of human psychology and motivation. It’s called the “foot-inthe-door technique.” That name comes from the visual metaphor of putting your foot in a door as you try to gain access to the room inside. Once you have your foot in the door, gaining access is much easier than it was when the door was latched shut and locked with a deadbolt. But in this case, we’re talking about gaining psychological access — the ability to influence your partner’s perspective. First, let me give you an example of the foot–in-the-door technique in action. Then, I’ll show you how it applies to getting started with the Momentum Method. In a famous psychological research study that initially revealed just how powerful this phenomenon is, researchers started with a very simple request. They approached homeowners with a request to place a small decal somewhere in the corner of their front window. The decal indicated support for a “slow down and drive safely” campaign for the neighborhood. Of course, the researchers did not tell the homeowners it was a research study as they went door to door. They just asked for a very small favor: placing a tiny decal in the window. A few weeks later the researchers approached homeowners in that same

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) neighborhood again. But this time the request was for a much larger favor. In fact, it was a request so outrageous and ridiculous that to this day people reading about this research study can hardly believe anyone said “yes.” The researchers asked homeowners to display a very large sign in their front lawn facing the road. The sign was huge with ugly colors, two large wooden posts to hold it up, and the “drive safely” campaign slogan written in bold letters. A full 76% of people who had previously agreed to place the tiny decal in the window agreed to have the large sign installed in the front yard! That’s more than three out of four people! That’s in comparison to only 17% of people agreeing to the large sign if they had not been previously approached with the request to place the small decal in the window first. What this means is that gaining someone’s agreement to a very small request causes them to be far more likely to agree to a more significant request. Here are two more examples of this psychological phenomenon referenced in a Wikipedia article on the topic: • •

“Can I go over to Suzy’s house for an hour?” Followed later by another request: “Can I stay the night?” “May I turn in the paper a few hours late?” And after an affirmative response: “May I turn it in next week?”

The foot in the door technique has also been proven to work when requesting donations for charity. It works just as well in personal one-onone situations as it does in group settings where one person is making an appeal to a large audience.

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) In other words, it’s a powerful and robust phenomenon of how the human mind works. We are simply more likely to agree if you can get us nodding yes in some small way before hitting us up with the bigger request. So how does this apply to getting the ball rolling with the Momentum Method? By now you can probably guess. Instead of starting with your most bold ideas or requests, approach your man with a simple question that is practically guaranteed to get an affirmative response. THE “I OWE YOU SIGNAL” What we’ve established so far is this. For some reason, people feel like they owe it to others to be consistent. So if you can get a person nodding yes to something small, they feel they owe you a yes to something bigger (as long as it reflects the same basic idea as the initial request). For example, “David, you seem like the kind of person who wants to live life to the fullest rather than holding back and doing what everyone else does like a drone. Would you say that’s true?” Most people would agree with this as a self-assessment because it’s a flattering way to be perceived compared to the alternative. Once you’ve got him nodding yes to this, you would make a small request for him to take on a small challenge. Here’s the challenge you ask him to take on. “Alright then, David. Try to come up with an adventurous idea. A date or shared activity the two of us wouldn’t typically do.” His goal is to think of something better than the idea you’re going to try

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T h r e e T h i n g s T h a t C a n G o Wr o n g ( a n d h o w t o f i x t h e m ) to come up with during the same short timeframe (say, one day or before Friday). The trick here is that your initial request gets him nodding yes. He affirms his commitment to being an adventurous person. Naturally, that’s something he wants anyway as a man, but getting him to say yes prevents any resistance that might come up for random reasons. Then you make a slightly larger request. You ask him to take the initiative to plan something adventurous (or at least come up with the idea). Even if he drops the ball on this challenge, you’ll still be thinking of an idea. And he will have to agree to your idea if he does not come up with something better. Congratulations! You’ve completed part one of this relationship mastery course. Part one was all about theory. Now it’s time to enhance your skills at applying the secret obsession signals.

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PART TWO How to Use the Signals

In this section, you’ll find more detail about a few of the hero instinct signals you encountered only briefly in part one. Part two explores real-life applications and examples. These stories will help the concepts stick in your memory. By this point in the course, you already understand how the hero instinct works. Now let’s put that knowledge to use. And remember, you don’t need to memorize all these signals at once! Come back to this course anytime you feel stuck with your man. Pick one of the methods below, and just focus on that one idea until you’ve mastered it. In this way, you can gradually make progress without feeling overwhelmed with all the options. In time, you will get very good at using these methods. You’ll know you’ve achieved mastery when you begin designing your own signals based on the patterns of the hero instinct you see all around you. “Your task is not to foresee the future, but to enable it.” ~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery Page 144

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MODULE TWELVE “The Private Island” Signal Let’s quickly review what the private island signal is. Then I’ll give you the specifics on how to use it. This is the closest thing to a real “love potion” that exists… Because it unleashes all your natural seductive qualities. What is the signal? Let’s step back and take a look at the big picture. What is it that we’re trying to accomplish again? We’re trying to do things that will trigger his hero instinct. So what does that have to do with a deserted island? Well, let me ask you. What do you think would happen if you were actually deserted on an island with the man you’re interested in? Take a moment to picture it in your mind. Really, I’ll wait. Play out a few likely scenes from the first five days on the island.

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“The Private Island” Signal Did you imagine a pleasant beach scene with hammocks and coconuts? If you did, you’re being unrealistic. Because being deserted on an island is a life-threatening event. The two of you would need to work together to find food, shelter, and fresh water. Of course, there would also be a need for rest, planning, and giving each other emotional support. On a practical level, you’d come to depend on one another. If you found a new source of food, who is the first person you’re going to want to share the good news with? If you cut your toe on a rock, who do you look around to find? No matter how big the island is, there’s one thing you’ll quickly become attached to more than anything else. One thing you would hate to lose. And that’s him. Naturally, it works the other way around too. To him, you would be the most significant thing on that island. He would always have a general sense of where he could find you, even if he was busy doing something else. As he sat by the fire at night, he would feel intensely lonely if you were not there with him. He would frequently glance up to look into your eyes. Your presence would be comforting to him. And everything that nature designed in your body and his would start to shift you both toward a special kind of relationship. What I’ve just described for you is an extreme example of propinquity. But let’s look at a more likely version.

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“The Private Island” Signal Jessica lives in New York City. She has never met Tom who lives on a ranch in Texas. Their paths never cross. None of their friends run in the same circles. They share none of the same interests that might draw them into a chat room online. They have zero propinquity. Then Tom grows weary of hard labor. He moves across the country to New York City to take a job with a private detective agency. He finds a nice apartment. The mailboxes are all on the ground floor near the entrance to the apartment building. It just so happens his mailbox is right next to Jessica’s mailbox. Now Jessica and Tom have quite a bit of propinquity. Which is simply the amount of opportunity two people have for interacting without even trying. Propinquity is powerful on a deserted island. But it can be much stronger than you would think even if it’s only a twice per week chance meeting in a mail room. Here’s the whole idea behind the deserted island signal… Do everything in your power to increase the propinquity you share with the guy you like. As a dating coach, I’ve noticed there’s one method for increasing propinquity that seems to work better than just about anything else. And that’s attracting his attention by tapping into the things he’s already fascinated by. Don’t try to make him fall in love with you. Don’t try to make him fascinated

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“The Private Island” Signal with you directly. Instead, do it indirectly by tapping into the things he is already fascinated with. And by this point in the course material, you already know about a deep emotional need that fascinates men. He’s fascinated by the opportunity to be someone’s hero. So fascinate him with opportunities to be your hero. Hook his attention by activating his hero instinct with gradually intensifying requests for him to step into the hero role in your life. This creates lots of propinquity. And as you have learned, that is a very powerful force of nature. One you’ll definitely want to have on your side. The next step is “just be you.” Propinquity will take care of the rest. WANT SOME PRACTICAL EXAMPLES? I’m going to assume you already have a particular guy in mind. And I’m going to assume this is a person you already have at least some interaction with. Here are some things you can ask him to help you with. Any of these will fascinate him by triggering his hero instinct. Notice how the first idea is not intrusive at all. But each of the following ideas gradually increase the intensity of time commitment and intimacy involved in meeting your need. 1.

Ask him for advice about buying a Christmas gift for your brother.

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“The Private Island” Signal

2. 3.

Ask what guys like. Ask him to hang out at your apartment with you while a guy comes to pick up something you listed for sale on Craigslist.com. Tell him you’re going apartment shopping, and you don’t know or trust the realtor. Something about walking around with a stranger in empty apartments makes you feel nervous. Ask the guy you like to be your “bodyguard” and maybe offer his opinion about the apartments while he’s at it.

Here’s another sequence of escalating requests for help. In this example, he is a coworker at your new place of employment. 1.

Ask if he minds sharing his phone number with you so you can text him private questions about people at work. You know, who to avoid, who is generally trustworthy, who you should try to impress, that sort of thing. 2. Call him to learn the inside scoop about the unofficial power struggles and social landmines at the office. 3. Ask him for a ride to work while your car is in the shop. 4. Ask if he would be your date to the company holiday party so you don’t feel awkward showing up alone. Remember, you only get to the last request after having spent quite a bit of time talking and building a sense of comfortable interaction with each other. And because each preceding request triggers his hero instinct, you’ll be surprised how close the two of you feel by the time you get to the last request. It won’t seem desperate or pushy at all. Why does this work? It makes him feel different about himself whenever he interacts with you.

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“The Private Island” Signal It creates a positive emotional response in him. He starts craving more of that feeling whether he’s willing to admit it to himself yet or not. A Real Life Example Liz was one of my consulting clients a few years back. She worked at a large company that makes specialty parts used by firefighters. She worked on the assembly line, but she was very interested in Evan, who worked in the engineering department. She became interested in Evan when she overheard him talking about his dog. They were both eating lunch in the cafeteria. At the time, Liz had several birds, cats, a dog, and even a horse she boarded at a nearby farm. She was a bit of a pet fanatic. So she took the opportunity to ask Evan what kind of dog he has. And that was a segue to her reason for seeking referrals before taking her new puppy to a vet. He gave her the name of the vet he uses and invited her to tell him how it went after the visit. Soon after, she called him to ask about the purpose of a part she was using in her assembly work. And here’s where things get interesting. You see, Liz has just a touch of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). And one of her symptoms was excessive worry about whether she had over tightened or under tightened parts she was assembling. She had a hard time letting go of the idea that one mistake could cause a firefighter to have a failed component in a life-threatening situation.

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“The Private Island” Signal She didn’t tell Evan all this, but I recommended she use the power of vulnerability to forge a deeper connection. So she called him after work and admitted to a bit of anxiety. She asked about the purpose of one small part she had been repeatedly assembling for a large order. Because he was in the engineering department, he understood the purpose of the various parts they were assembling. Evan was happy for the opportunity to show off a bit of knowledge that few other people understand or value. At the end of that conversation, she asked if he was okay with her checking in about other parts in the work process if she had questions in the future. He gladly agreed. In the course of their second discussion Liz learned that he actually had quite a lot of knowledge about basic car repair too. She tucked that bit of information away in her mind. About two months later she asked him to listen to her car engine while she started it in the parking lot after work. Standing there looking into each other’s eyes as he explained things, they both realized something had shifted in their relationship. All this sounds fairly normal. But Liz had a secret weapon. She was triggering his hero instinct.

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SECRET OBSESSION T h e “ X - ra y Q u e s t i o n ”

MODULE THIRTEEN The “X-ray Question” Now, I’m sure you’ll agree that steering a car is easy, but kind of pointless if you don’t know where you’re going. You might as well just stop. Because you could just as easily be moving away from your intended destination as toward it. That’s why I can’t wait to tell you more about the “X-ray Question” Because it lets you get inside your man’s mind and hear what he really wants. It helps you uncover the things he secretly wants more of in his life. What is an X-ray Question? It’s a question that reveals what he wants by tapping into his recent memories. Interestingly, people don’t seem to know what makes them truly happy. This is not just my opinion. Rather, it’s the conclusion of a group of

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psychologists who call themselves “happiness researchers.” Believe it or not, this is a serious discipline in the field of psychology. Hundreds and hundreds of studies have been done to differentiate things like life satisfaction, happiness, contentment, and all the variables that seem to lead to happiness. But here’s the weird part. The research suggests we only have vague notions about what makes us happy, and even those notions are often wrong. Which probably causes you to wonder, how can a researcher tell someone they are wrong about what makes them happy? And here’s the answer. The researchers used pagers (and more recently smartphones) to randomly ping research subjects with a cue to write down what they’re doing and how happy they feel at this very moment. They then compared this with what research subjects predicted would make them happy before the study began. Research subjects tended to say things like, “I’m happiest when I can finally put my feet up and watch TV in the evenings.” But the data showed something different. People tended to be happiest when actively working on some challenging task. Sometimes those tasks were work assignments and sometimes they were chores that needed to get done at home. The point is, people are not great at identifying the things that make them feel happy and alive. That’s why you can’t just ask the man you’re with, “What do you really want in life?” and expect to get a good answer.

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Instead, I want you to access his recent memories. Ask about a time when positive emotions came up recently. This question serves the same purpose as a metal detector used to detect coins at the beach. When he mentions a time he felt positive emotions, that tells you there’s something buried under the sand. It doesn’t tell you what’s there. It just tells you where to dig. But don’t ask him directly. Instead, use your powers of observation. Pay attention to the kinds of goals and challenges that seem to light up his emotional world. Remember, emotions run the show. So whether he knows it or not, his happy moments contain secrets. Secrets that will allow you to discover ways to align yourself with his positive emotions. Example Phrases • When was the last time you were having so much fun that you lost track of time? • Do you remember feeling truly content at any moment during the past month? • Tell me the most recent memory you have of feeling excitement in the pit of your stomach. • Where were you the last time you noticed a feeling of happy anticipation? • Tell me about the last interaction we had that made you feel really good.

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How does it work? With the x-ray question, here’s what you do. You ask about a time he felt good. A recent moment when he noticed positive feelings. You then ask questions that reveal the hidden reason why he felt good at those moments. Typically, this reveals one or more of his core values. Because we only feel happy, excited, and full of life when we’re doing things that in some way link to our core values (the things we care about in life). Why do you need to know his core values? Because it allows you to more easily trigger his hero instinct by tapping into the things that already hold meaning for him. You can tap into the things that make him feel good. And you can suggest ways to move toward a life that better encompasses the things he values. This makes him happy because it gets at his secret obsession, and makes you a part of the best life he can imagine. Story example My receptionist had a little smirk when she came to my door. She announced that my new client, Sarah, was in the waiting room. I understood her smile only after I rounded the corner and introduced myself. Sarah was extremely attractive. And she was dressed like she was about to go out clubbing. My receptionist used to ask me why people like that come to see me

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for dating advice. She was under the impression that good looks could exempt a woman from the effort of building a satisfying relationship. And I’ll admit, Sarah was one of those people who is so attractive, it’s kind of distracting. But that doesn’t change one simple fact. Good relationships don’t come from good looks. A satisfying relationship happens when two people love making each other happy. Sara had yet to find that kind of relationship. She already had a boyfriend, and she asked me if she should stay with him. Because she had recently met someone new. Sarah felt this new guy was a better match. A few weeks later she broke things off with her old boyfriend. Then she got frustrated. Because the new guy did not show as much ongoing interest as she thought he would. When they first met, there was definitely some chemistry between them. But then he seemed to cool off. And Sarah entered into what I call “beggar mode.” Beggar mode happens on a psychological level. She approached him like he had all the power in the relationship. We needed to change this. So I asked her to shift her attention to the things this new guy was already fascinated by. She used x-ray questions to accomplish that. Her new goal was simple. Each time she had a chance to interact with

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him, she asked him about high points—peak life experiences. He loved talking about these things. It energized him and he ended up paying more attention to her in the process of trying to fully answer her questions or relay the stories behind uplifting moments in his life. It wasn’t long until she discovered a common interest she had with him for entrepreneurial ventures. They started talking about flipping houses for profit. He felt alive when he was pursuing a dream like that. She asked him what he enjoyed about talking with her. She thought he would say it was their shared interest in entrepreneurial ventures. But his answer surprised her. He said, “You seem to believe in me. And that inspires me. My parents and all my previous girlfriends rolled their eyes whenever I talked about possibilities. You’re different.” This gave her a tremendous insight regarding what “worked” for him in their growing relationship. Beggar mode was long gone. And she knew how to make sure it stayed that way. X-ray questions give you an unfair advantage. Pause to consider how you might use them with a guy you know. Start by asking about recent high points, happy moments, and peak life experiences.

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MODULE FOURTEEN The Glimpse Phrase When you use this simple signal, watch his eyes change as a fantasy blooms in his mind… …of how amazing the future could be with you. I’m sure you want to build a beautiful life with the man of your dreams, right? But how do you convey that to him? How do you give him a taste of it to wet his appetite? That’s what the glimpse phrase is all about. It’s about sparking his imagination so that his imagination does all the work for you. What is the signal or phrase? The glimpse phrase is something you say to activate his imagination. You choose words that forecast pleasure. If he wants that pleasure, he’ll be attracted to what he hears. Most people try to convince others with logic. But that only goes so far.

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One of the main problems with logic is that people naturally look for counter arguments or weak spots in your argument. Emotion is different. Change someone’s emotions, and they’ll come up with their own reasons to justify their actions with logic. And the easiest way to change someone’s emotions is to tap into their imagination. Don’t try to convince him that you’re the right person. Don’t tell him the reasons why a committed relationship is in his own best interest. Instead, trigger his imagination and let it do the work for you. How? By asking him to imagine possibilities, but never filling in the details. Make his imagination fill in the blanks. Your job is simply to get the ball rolling. And you do that with simple phrases that spark the right kinds of conversations. Example Phrases Surprisingly, the best way to use this phrase is actually as a question. Like this: •

What do you think would happen if we tried to break all the rules and lived full-throttle toward being happy, instead of just hoping for happiness?”

He’s naturally going to have some follow-up questions for you if you pop an unusual question like this. And it’s during those follow-up questions that he realizes you’re serious. He gets a glimpse of the belief you hold in your mind. The belief that his

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life could be happier, more adventurous, more exciting, and more fun with you by his side than it ever could have been without you. Here’s another way to phrase your initial question: •

“Would you be interested in breaking the mold?”

This question implies there is a mold, meaning a boring sameness to the patterns relationships follow. It doesn’t say it outright, which makes it hard for the conscious mind to fight against. This question creates a mental frame that opens his mind to a new possibility. The possibility that you are inviting him into something special, something unique. When he asks you what exactly you’re inviting him to participate in, describe your belief in the power of intentional pursuit of each other’s happiness. Essentially, you are suggesting the two of you use the active ingredients of true love (an oath to each other’s happiness with selfless abandon). But don’t try to tell him exactly how it would all unfold. Instead, invite him to imagine it with you. Let his imagination play with this idea. Don’t fall into the role of someone trying to convince him it would work. Here’s another phrase to open this kind of discussion: •

“I’m not afraid to build an adventurous life with you.”

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If you want, you can add this follow-up phrase: •

“What do you think would be different in our lives if we had no fear of failure and we just went after the most brilliant kind of life we could imagine?”

Why does it work? It makes him fantasize about possibility. As a result, the idea of having a relationship with you takes on a special kind of quality. It becomes an open doorway instead of the end of choice and possibility. You see, one of the things that holds us back from making a commitment has to do with the nature of choices themselves. So long as you hesitate, all the choices remain open to you. But as soon as you make a choice, you have constricted your options. So ask him questions with that special “what if…” quality. Because that kind of question frames a future with you as a new beginning rather than the end of his option to explore. Example Story Laura came to me for help with a long-term committed relationship. She was only 24, but she seemed mature and responsible for her age. Her description of John suggested he was at the opposite side of the maturity continuum. While Laura held a steady job, she had to get up early each day to drive John to his job because he had lost his license due to a DUI charge

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(driving while under the influence of alcohol). During our first meeting, Laura broke down in tears. I had asked her why she felt lonely in her relationship. And that led to a very painful topic. She spoke of a recent abortion. She said John refused to even talk with her about it, let alone comfort her. She had mixed feelings about the irrevocable decision she had made. And she was grieving alone, because she could not bring herself to talk with others about her decision. John had been slightly against the abortion, and now Laura was wondering if that was part of the reason he seemed to be dragging his feet about getting married. They were already living together and sharing expenses. But John seemed to push her away on an emotional level. There was no romance, little passion outside of physical intimacy, and Laura began to wonder what kind of future she would have with John. I’m not using their real names, so I can tell you the honest truth. Part of the reason she was seeking my advice was to see if I would recommend that she leave him. But I could sense her hesitancy to do so. She clearly still had deep feelings for this man. In Laura’s case, the solution was the glimpse phrase. She used it to reawaken John’s interest in committing to a future with her. For several weeks in a row, I asked Laura to use “what if” questions while talking with John in the evenings. They often took long walks together down a quiet country road near their home. It was during these walks that Laura began to give John glimpses of possibility.

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She never asked him for a commitment. She never asked him to make a choice. She simply spoke of the new beginnings that would unfold if they committed to going after happiness as a team. It’s much easier to commit to something you already want, like happiness. And that’s why it lowers the barrier to picturing yourself with a person who wants to help you get there. Laura disappeared for several months. When she made another appointment with me, I was surprised to hear the upbeat tone of her voice. She was genuinely happy, planning a wedding, and asking for advice about something else entirely. When I asked her how John was responding to the glimpse phrase method, she said, “Oh, I don’t have to do it anymore. Now he’s the one always talking about our future. I think I had become so focused on the problems, that I didn’t realize how much I had stopped talking about anything fun.” That’s the secret power of the glimpse phrase. It gets you both talking about something fun. Something you want. And how to get there, together as a team.

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T h e S e c r e t “ C u r r e n c y ” O f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s

MODULE FIFTEEN The Secret “Currency” Of Happy Relationships This hero instinct signal is surprisingly powerful. It turns out, there are tiny chances every day to make “emotional deposits” in your relationship… …to grow and strengthen the bond you have with your man. In fact, studies show that making these simple “deposits” cuts the rate of separation in half! Make sure to use this one. Because even though it takes less than 10 seconds… it kicks his Hero Instinct into overdrive. and he’ll feel an emotional connection to you that grows with time. What is the signal?

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T h e S e c r e t “ C u r r e n c y ” O f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s It’s expressing appreciation. That’s the currency of happy relationships. And the reason is simple… Men need incremental progress, and appreciation feels like progress. We feel happiest when we’re making progress toward things that matter to us. And the good news is, it doesn’t matter how small the progress is. Most people think happiness comes from life circumstances. “I’ll be happy once I get a raise.” “I’ll be happy once I have a great relationship.” “I’ll be happy once I finally finish graduate school.” And these accomplishments do lead to temporary ripples of happiness. But then we adjust. We get used to the new circumstance very quickly. And happiness fades unless we start making progress toward some new goal. We need to feel like we’re working toward something that is worthwhile. That’s what lights up the parts of our brain that release energy and make us feel happy and engaged in life. By this point in the course, you already understand that men feel compelled to pursue some kind of mission in life. The more you can make yourself a part of that mission the better. Expressing appreciation keeps your man hooked. It keeps your relationship fresh and relevant to his sense of well-being, happiness, and purpose. Example Phrases

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T h e S e c r e t “ C u r r e n c y ” O f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s Let’s start with the kind of appreciation you can hand out in a brand-new relationship: • •

“I like the way you use my name when we talk. And I appreciate that you remembered it after just one meeting.” “You’re easy to talk with. I don’t know if you do that on purpose, but I appreciate it.”

Let’s go back to Liz’s story for a moment. Because I also asked her to use appreciation phrases to trigger Evan’s hero instinct. As a reminder, she admitted to some anxiety about the parts she was assembling. After that phone call, she saw him in the cafeteria. She said, “You could tell what was making me anxious, and you swooped right in to battle that anxiety for me. Thank you for that.” I want you to notice something about the terms she used. Some of them had to do with going to battle. When possible, express appreciation using terms that imply he was fighting to protect you. It makes all the difference when trying to trigger his hero instinct. Here are more examples of using adventure words or fight words to express appreciation: • • •

“I really appreciate you giving me a ride. Thanks for rescuing me from the embarrassment of having to call in late for work.” “Thanks for letting me hide behind your strength while that deal went through.” “I know you’re going to downplay what you did for me, but the way you took down those obstacles was really impressive to me.”

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T h e S e c r e t “ C u r r e n c y ” O f H a p p y Re l a t i o n s h i p s •

“I appreciate the advice. Can I reach out to you again the next time I need backup on this subject? WHY DOES THIS WORK?

Expressions of gratitude gradually shape his behavior. You can cause even the most unromantic guy to gradually become a person who looks for new ways to impress you. You do it by starting small and gradually showing him ways to become your hero and receive gratitude. Reinforce even his tiniest heroic efforts with expressions of gratitude. More than any other hero instinct signal, this one requires some background reading. So be sure to read the section on behavioral conditioning in module six of this relationship course.

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MODULE SIXTEEN The “I Owe You” Signal This one is interesting. Because it uses a quirk of human psychology, and turns it into a form of influence. Plus, it flies under the radar, meaning he won’t resist your influence. Because he doesn’t even notice it. The “I owe you” signal is really just an interesting application of something psychologists call “the foot in the door effect.” The “foot in the door” technique is an influence strategy. Its power comes from a quirk of human psychology. That is, agreeing to a small request increases the likelihood that you’ll agree to a second, larger request. So, initially you make a small request and once the person agrees to this they find it more difficult to refuse a bigger request. And here’s the application for relationships. First get him to agree to something small. Then move him toward an interaction that benefits the relationship. What is the signal?

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I once studied under a hypnosis expert who called this something different. He called it a “yes set,” meaning a yes-mindset. The way he explained it was simple. He said, “Get a person nodding yes. Establish a ‘yes set’ before you get to the question that really matters.” People have a strong desire to appear consistent. This is something social psychologists have pointed out in numerous research studies. The consistency bias makes people want to, well…appear consistent. Here’s how to use that to your advantage. First get him to commit to something very small. Then reference that “yes” he gave you to get him to buy into doing something more significant. Example Phrases Sabrina: “David, wouldn’t you say you’re the kind of person who goes after what he wants in life? Someone who’s willing to do what it takes to have the best life has to offer?” David: “Definitely. I don’t understand those people who whine about life but don’t do anything to change it. Sabrina: “Good, because I’d like to have a discussion where we are honest with each other about what we really want in life. It might feel a bit awkward, but I figure you’re the kind of person who’s willing to go through some awkwardness if it moves us toward the best life possible.”

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In this example Sabrina first gets him to acknowledge a desire. Only then does she present an opportunity to actually pursue that desire. Here’s an example that taps into what he already values. Get him to say yes to a certain value, then suggest a specific application of that value. Samantha: “David, aren’t you the kind of person who likes to discover as much as you can about the city you live in?” David: “Yes. That’s why people recommendations, and stuff.”

ask

me

for

directions,

Samantha: “Then you’ll like this idea. I was thinking it would be fun if we made a game out of exploring some of the less well-known restaurants around town. We could rate each one as we go. It would be a fun way to explore, wouldn’t it?”

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal

MODULE SEVENTEEN The “Damsel in Distress” Signal With this signal, you can tap into a man’s natural protective instincts. It switches him into “Serve and Protect” mode. How can you boost your romantic appeal by making use of his need to impress? The answer is simple. Let him help you. Let him be a provider. Recognize his strengths and abilities in real time by allowing him to “come to your rescue” in the tiniest ways. And no, this does not mean you have to give up your confident, capable, and empowered way of living as a woman. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. The more confident and capable you are, the better this method works. And that’s because the contrast is greater. It only takes a tiny gesture from a confident woman to trigger his hero instinct. Whereas a woman who has a dependent personality style has to

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal work harder to make this method work. Don’t Make Him Choose between You and the Adventure He Craves Have you ever wondered why all the fictional novels and movies geared toward men involve a hero on a journey toward increasing power and accomplishment? The male hero faces all kinds of trials and becomes more powerful, gathering tools and knowledge that ultimately allow him to succeed. Men crave adventure and power. That driving force exists within every man. It’s been documented by numerous sociology and psychology studies that toddler boys show a preference for tools (e.g., toy trucks or a stick) even before socialization reinforces that instinct. Meanwhile, girls are driven more toward attachment, connection, and toys that reflect that basic drive (like dolls and games that are geared toward sharing rather than competition). If you pit yourself against his basic drive for adventure, you will be in a never-ending battle. Instead, why not get the best of both worlds? Become a part of his mission for success, and he will appreciate his relationship with you more than you could ever imagine. There’s a reason why modern movies and ancient fables return again and again to a plot that involves some kind of damsel in distress. And it comes back to that same trigger we’ve talked about so many times, fascination.

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal Does Superman fall in love with a supermodel? No, of course not. That would make for a boring movie. He falls for Lois Lane, who is constantly getting herself into trouble with her fearless pursuit of the latest news story. Does Popeye relax at home with his cans of spinach? No. If he did you never would have heard of him. Popeye is always coming to the rescue of his girlfriend, Olive Oyl. Why? Because that fascinates little boys and men alike. They tune in to see more of that awesome goodness. In the Middle Ages, it was stories like Rapunzel in a tower, waiting for her rescuer to climb her long locks of hair. Other stories from the Middle Ages include Snow White and Sleeping Beauty (and of course we know about them because Disney dug up these stories, recognizing their iconic appeal). Before that, it was evident in stories featured in Greek mythology, like Perseus fighting a beast to save Andromeda. Or Sita in the ancient Indian epic, Ramayana. The point is, entertainment follows human interest, not the other way around. Humans have long been fascinated with this particular type of interaction. The interaction between a woman in danger and a man who falls in love with her after fighting to protect her. But the actual signal need not be so dramatic. It works just fine in simpler form. Let’s examine the simple formula you can start using today.

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal What is the signal? Three grown men, all brothers, are engaged in a deep conversation along with their father. They sit comfortably in the living room while their wives and girlfriends socialize in the next room over. The four men look up as the youngest brother’s girlfriend steps into the room and says, “Steve, can I borrow your muscles for a second? I can’t get this jar open.” After opening the jar, Steve returns to his seat to rejoin the conversation that paused only momentarily as all the men observed the interaction between Steve and his girlfriend. Take a guess. Whose social status just went up among these four men? That’s right, Steve’s. They all have a new appreciation for Steve’s highly desirable relationship dynamic with his girlfriend. It’s an unspoken quality they sensed in this simple interaction. You see, when a woman confidently singles out a man to accomplish a task, it gives him a jolt of positive self-esteem. And it influences more than his relationship with you. It even influences his relationship with other men. The other three men judge his relationship as a healthy one. Why? Because these kinds of interactions are uncommon among couples whose relationships are strained. This may sound strange, but when a woman seems glad to be the damsel

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal in distress, it signals the hero instinct on a biological level. It makes him feel a stronger bond with the woman who provided an opportunity for him to step into that role. Want some example phrases? •

• •

•

“Jerry, I hate spiders, and there’s one hiding behind my desk. Would you be my hero and defend my territory from this invasion?” “Jerry, I think I might have a slow leak in my back tire. Would you take a look and give me your expert opinion?” “Jerry, there’s a creepy guy that has been hanging out in the lobby of my apartment building. Would you mind walking me up to my apartment?” “Jerry, my friend is dating a guy who seems all right, but we thought it would be good to get a guy’s perspective. If you joined us for drinks after work on Friday, do you think you could tell us your impression of whether he’s a stand-up sort of guy?”

This last example is a little different, isn’t it? With this one, the real power comes from social affirmation. You have essentially recommended him to your friends based on his sound judgment of good character. There’s a deep compliment embedded in this request for help even though it is help requested on behalf of someone else. Contrast the examples above with examples that will not work: “Jerry, my daughter is doing one of those dumb fundraisers. Do you mind asking your friends at work if they’ll buy some boxes of cookies?”

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal This one lacks the “damsel in distress” quality. Plus, it requests something annoying that does not imply any kind of expertise, skill, manliness, or other quality you need for the job. “Jerry, I need to buy a new camera lens. Do you mind researching it on the Internet for me?” The problem here is that you have not identified something that is impinging on your sense of well-being or safety. And then you’ve assigned him a task he doesn’t get to perform in front of you or while interacting with you. As a result, it doesn’t trigger his hero instinct (unless he has reason to believe that you see him as an expert on camera lenses). “Jerry I have a pounding headache. And I left my Advil in my car in the parking lot. Would you mind fetching it for me?” Here you do have something impinging on your sense of well-being, so what’s the problem with this one? The problem is that the nature of the task does not reflect a belief in his power, strength, or heroic qualities. Rather, you’re treating him like an errand boy. Again, it may still have some positive effect that you chose him, but the effect will be very weak and it could even backfire. If you found yourself with a headache and you really wanted him to get your medicine, there’s a better approach. You should just tell him your head is hurting.

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal Then, as if it’s a separate thought, mention that you have medicine in your car but you don’t feel like getting it. He just might volunteer to get it for you. That changes things. Because he’s the one coming up with a solution and then executing the plan. Your next step is to express gratitude and call him your hero. If you call him your hero in front of others in the office, don’t be showy about it. Instead, move a little closer, look deeply into his eyes, and almost whisper it, “You’re my hero. Thank you.” It feels like a private exchange, and this enhances the power of your expressed appreciation. How does it work? You reveal a need and let him come up with the solution. It doesn’t matter how simple or complex the request. The formula works as long as all the right components are in place. So here’s a review of the components: 1. 2.

3.

A need is presented (something that affects you in some way). Your request for help demonstrates trust in some quality he would be proud to demonstrate (preferably a quality that makes him feel manly; qualities like bravery, strength, knowledge, experience). You don’t prescribe the exact method or steps for him to use. You leave it up to him (even if you see a better way than the solution he comes up with).

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The “Damsel i n Distress” Signal Real Life Example Story Darren and Vicky were already married when they came to see me. But Vicki was planning her exit. She still loved Darren, but the pain was too much. They were older than most couples I’ve worked with, having raised four daughters, one of whom died just after reaching adulthood. Together they had invested in their children, their careers, and their home. But they were living like roommates, or at least that’s how Vicki described it. She felt lonely, and more than a little depressed. She said Darren had always been a good provider, a stable presence in her life. But he barely responded to her attempts to spark conversation. He spent 10 days of his limited vacation time on a hunting trip with two buddies every single year. And he seemed unable to say no to one these friends named Jeff. At a moment’s notice, Darren would drop everything to go hang out with Jeff. When I suggested she plan a get away with him, she said, “What’s the point? He would drive in total silence and I would be left alone with my thoughts.” Vicki was approaching her retirement years, and she didn’t want to spend them alone in a marriage that felt empty. Oddly enough, it was Darren who suggested getting help. Vicki told him she would love to save the marriage, but she didn’t see any point in trying. She had no hope for changing him after so many years of trying to do just that.

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The “Damsel in Distress” Signal But I don’t give up easily. And I had a few tricks up my sleeve. I met with each of them alone. You would’ve liked them both. Intelligent, charming, kind, loving people. Darren admitted to his shortcomings as a partner, but he just didn’t feel the passion Vicki seemed to want from him. He was comfortable in the marriage and didn’t want to shake things up at this late stage in his life. After several sessions, I sat alone with Vicki, discussing whether or not she was seeing progress. She was upset that day. She told me about the night before, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks. She described her decision to make a go of things, to throw her heart into the relationship again, to believe in a fresh start. With her flexible work schedule, she quit work a bit early. She spent that time making a special meal that took quite a bit of time and effort. She laid out everything in anticipation of her husband’s return. She heard a car door slam and went to the window. Darren was home, but he paused as his friend Jeff slowly pulled up and leaned out the window of his truck to talk with Darren. Vicki was patient for about 10 minutes, but she didn’t want the meal to go cold. So she stepped out the screen door and called to Darren, asking him to join her for a special meal that was ready and served. She paced around the house for the next 30 minutes, occasionally glancing

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal out the window where Darren was still engrossed in conversation with Jeff. You can probably imagine what happened next. By the time Darren came inside, Vicki was in no mood to enjoy a special dinner with him. She let him eat alone while she cried in the bedroom. “And what’s worse,” she told me, “is that he acted like he had done nothing wrong when I confronted him about this. He said it would be rude to abruptly end a conversation with his friend and he’s just not that kind of person. But why does he seem to care more about what Jeff thinks of him than what I think of him?” In that moment, I saw a damsel in distress. I knew what I needed to do next. So I asked her to sit in the waiting room while I called her husband back to talk. “You’re having an affair,” I told him. He looked a bit shocked, then a bit angry and confused. He said, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my marriage, James. But I can assure you that is not one of them.” I said, “Ah, but in the world of relationships, reality doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how you make her feel. And you’ve made her feel like you’re having an affair.” “With whom?!” he demanded. “With Jeff,” I replied.

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal He froze. And in that moment he held my gaze for what seemed to be an eternity of stunned silence as he realized what I was saying. Then I played my ace. The card I always have up my sleeve. The one move I can always count on. “Darren,” I said, “there’s a woman out there in the waiting room right now. Someone who has always wanted one thing more than anything else. She’s always wanted a true companion. Someone to share her thoughts with. Someone who chooses her above all others. But she’s lonely and sad.” I said, “she’s standing at a crossroads, but looking back at the home she loves. She’s thinking of leaving behind everything she has invested her life in. She looks at the man she longed to form a life with, but there’s someone standing in her way. Someone who has replaced her. A person you talk with for hours, share your vacations with. A person you make a priority in your life. And she feels he has won.” Darren stands 6 feet, 4 inches tall. He speaks with a voice that sounds like rolling thunder. He sat in my office. He wept. I received an email from the couple two months later and again sixteen months later. The first email was from Vicki. She said, “you saved our marriage. I just want you to know that.” The second email was from Darren. He pinpointed the moment I accused him of having an affair. He didn’t remember much else we had talked about. Because that one pivotal moment changed everything for him.

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The “Da msel i n Distress” Signal I’ll paraphrase what he said: “When you explained it that way, everything changed for me. I finally understood what I needed to do. I completely cut off my relationship with Jeff because it was a threat to our marriage. And I’m not great at it yet, but I’m learning how to open up about my thoughts and share my emotional world with Vicki. I don’t know why I needed you to explain it that way to realize what I was throwing away. But I’m thankful every day.” What really changed? Darren suddenly saw his partner as the damsel in distress. Instead of a nagging wife who criticized his failure as a husband, there was an emotional shift. His emotions shifted as his hero instinct was activated. He saw a new identity open up before him. A version of himself he had always secretly wanted to be. It was like an invitation to become a better version of himself. He took the invitation.

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One More Thing... In Part One of this course, I described a concept called “The Momentum Method.” There, I challenged you to adopt a new perspective with a commitment to seeing your relationship as a never-ending partnership in pursuing a goal. Do you remember what the goal was? It was the goal of enhancing each other’s happiness. The more significant you become in his life, the more your happiness matters to him. The more opportunities you give him to actively work toward your happiness (and his own), the more satisfied he feels that he has achieved something meaningful (a drive of the hero instinct). And the more he sinks his teeth into the goals you establish together as a part of the Momentum Method, the more significant you become to him. It’s like a rolling snowball that picks up speed and power the longer the combination is in effect. This knowledge is the reward for your persistence in sticking with me through this course. Use these concepts and you will see the unfurling beauty of a relationship forged in the steel of his masculine drives and bathed in the delicate sunshine of your feminine appeal. Together, you will share a level of happiness few people have ever known. And it is to that dream, that hope, that soon-to-be reality that I will leave

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you now with my most sincere thanks for making me a part of your journey. Your friend and relationship coach, James Bauer P.S. I’ve included some bonus training material for you. It’s in the addendum below. It’s about using a slightly different but related feature of the fascination trigger: curiosity. If you’re interested, I’ll show you how to use it in combination with text messages to rev up your relationship momentum.

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Text Message Formulas

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Why Texting? The reason I’ve chosen to add this addendum to your relationship course is because so many people use texting to communicate with their romantic partner. And you really do have to say things a little differently when texting instead of talking. Look, the general principles at work here are described in the main course you just went through (His Secret Obsession), so you really shouldn’t skip that. But I realize some of you prefer more concrete examples. Of course, the problem with concrete examples is that they are limited in their ability to mold themselves to your particular life situation. That’s why it’s important that you understand the true nature of his secret obsession first. That way, you can apply the underlying ideas to your unique relationship circumstances. With all that said, I understand for a lot of people stuff sinks in better when you see it in action. So even if a lot of these specific text ideas don’t perfectly fit your situation, you may find they fill in the gaps, helping you to understand ways to apply the things you’ve learned from the main course. So this addendum is focused on the core principles of His Secret

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Obsession. But it shows you how to apply those principles through text messages. Let’s dive into the specific examples. ALWAYS START WITH YOUR MAIN GOAL IN MIND What is your main goal? It’s to trigger his natural instincts. And to bend those drives toward his relationship with you. And what is that natural instinct again? It’s the drive to build his life around things he can influence, people who need him, and situations where he can actually have a meaningful impact. Basically, it’s the male desire to gain a sense of social significance by doing things that make him feel like a provider. So if you start with that main goal in mind, what does it look like? What is the goal? It’s to make him feel like he matters and he can do something that matters…in your life. That way, you become more significant to him. He starts to revolve around you as if you are the center of his universe. That’s the goal. But when you send a text message, you are usually going to be dealing with something much more specific. So you have to apply that big, more general goal to the specific circumstances of your current relationship. NOW APPLY THAT MAIN GOAL TO JUST ONE THING So how do you choose what to send a text about? How do you know

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where to start? The answer comes down to a simple formula: Trigger Curiosity. Wait. Reveal Need. Wait. Basically, this formula does one thing. It triggers his desire to be needed. Imagine his drive to be needed is like a river. It’s constantly flowing. And like a river, it’s always going to flow down the path of least resistance. Your text message will open up a new path. An outlet. Water will naturally flow into that new opening. If you don’t have these openings in your relationship, it’s like a large dam has been erected. Picture one of those huge dams that holds back a massive river. Imagine the amount of pressure that builds up behind that dam. That’s what it’s like when you don’t open up outlets for his drive to be needed. It’s the top reason men have affairs (even men who are still in love with their partner). Some woman comes along and fulfills his need to feel important, significant, and capable. That other woman has created an outlet for the pressure building up behind the dam. It doesn’t take long for that outlet to become a new river, a new channel. And then it becomes emotionally painful for him to shut it off. Close it down. And ignore that opening. Of course, this is not all on you. It’s not your fault if he has an affair. He’s responsible for his own actions.

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But as you know, people often react instinctively. Our long-term planning does not always perfectly align with our values. Or even our own longterm well-being. So make it easy on him. Become the natural outlet for his instinctual drives. You’ll be glad you did. You’ll be rewarded with the kind of relationship other women are envious of. I eat too much chocolate ice cream. My instincts tell me to consume sugar and fat. If only carrots and broccoli could trigger my eating instinct instead of ice cream! Then I would naturally and automatically eat the right things that make me feel good in the long term. The good news is, you can do this. You can trigger his natural instincts to pour his time and energy into you. And you do that by providing easy outlets for his drive to find social significance in the role of a provider. Text messages are just one small (but easy) way to do that. Let’s look at some actual text message examples. Remember the formula: Trigger Curiosity. Wait. Reveal Need. Wait. I’ll start by giving you a quick definition for each part of this formula. Trigger curiosity: a short text message that is hard to ignore because it triggers his curiosity. In this message, you don’t reveal any kind of need or problem for him to help you with. Instead, you just get him interested so he’s curious enough to pay attention to what’s coming next. Wait: this is the part where you do nothing. You don’t continuously send

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more messages. You don’t distract him with new topics or emoticons. You just wait for him to take the bait. To become curious enough to ask what you’re talking about. Reveal Need: when he responds, it will be in the form of a question. He will ask you to explain your previous text. This is where you reveal a need. You don’t make him responsible for filling that need. You just mention it. Wait: Now you’re back to waiting again. You’ve got to give him time to formulate a plan. Time to finish with other distractions. And you’ve got to wait so that the idea to help comes from him (not from you). Here’s an example to show you what the exchange might look like: You: “I started a top-ten list.” Him: “Oh yeah? About what? You: “Top 10 ways mechanics screw women with inflated repair costs.” Him: “LOL. Sorry…sounds irritating. Maybe you should let me go with you next time. I also know someone whose brother runs an honest repair shop if you don’t mind a 20-minute drive to my side of town. I’ll even go with you to introduce you if you want.” Can you see the formula at work here? The first text is simple and sweet. But it evokes curiosity. The key to a curiosity provoking text is the gap. You have to leave a gap in the information you provide. In this instance, you present just enough information so that his mind

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naturally wants to fill the gap… “A top-10 list about what?” The mind naturally feels pulled toward missing information. Then, when the need is revealed, it is not posed as a request for his help. Yet it reveals the problem clearly enough for his mind to start churning. That’s what we want. We want you to be the frequent focus of his efforts to feel useful and important. Here’s another text message example: You: “Are all red ants fire ants?” Him: “Not sure. Why? Ant infestation? You: “No. Just a disagreement with a friend. She won’t go hiking with me to see the Washington forest pines because she saw ‘red ants’ on her sleeping bag there once.” Him: “I really don’t know, but I’ve been through there many times without any ant attacks. You: “My friends act like old ladies half the time.” Him: “If you’re looking for more adventure in your life, I’d be happy to escort you on the trails and protect you from any flaming ants.” Here again, the conversation was started in a way that naturally pulls his curiosity. Only then is a need gradually revealed. And when it’s revealed, it’s done gradually without any direct request. Yet it feels perfectly natural when he offers to “help” by filling in the need for a companion on the

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hiking trails. Here’s the key. Reveal a need in a manner that does not create any sense of pressure. The last thing you want is to form a pattern in which he feels pressured to constantly rescue you from irritating problems. Instead, we want him to perceive opportunities. The difference between an obligation to help and an opportunity to help cannot be overstated. So now you have the basic formula. But we can simplify it even more. Let’s break down the basic formula to something even simpler. TEXT MESSAGE MAGIC Asking for help grabs at one of his core drives. The drive to be on a mission with a clear purpose. If you want to grab his attention with a text message, try asking him for help with something specific. He’ll feel compelled to respond to your text. And it will open up a conversation that naturally causes his mind to imagine the “perfect version” of you in a relationship. You can probably guess why that helps. You can grab a man’s attention by texting these four simple words: “I need your help.” That’s it. Don’t add anything. Don’t embellish. And don’t text again until

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he has responded. There is nothing that calls directly to a man’s hero instinct so strongly as these four words. If you want a man to fight for you, these are the words to text him. Do you feel like the passion he feels for you is fading? Then text him these words. “I need your help.” Now that you have several text-message formulas to work with, it’s time to rev up your skills for grabbing his attention. In the sections that follow, I’m going to give you a few pointers on how curiosity works and how you can use it to hold his attention and interest indefinitely. Plus, this extra training will make you even more effective as you apply the text message formulas above. GET HIM TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU Don’t directly ask him to pay attention. Instead, trigger his curiosity. Then his curiosity will do the work for you. And here’s the great thing about curiosity. You don’t have to wait for it to happen. You can create curiosity any time you want. With its power, you can hold the attention of the guy you want. Keep him hooked even when

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you’re apart. And keep both of you happy and fulfilled for the long-term. He’ll never get bored. And you’ll always be unforgettable to him. Curiosity controls attention. That’s an amazing form of power to wield. A power that could serve you for the rest of your life. So let me reveal to you the secrets of using curiosity to fascinate your man. And one more thing before we dive into this… You needn’t feel badly about using curiosity as a lure. Because here’s the truth: Curiosity feels good. “Curiosity is the lust of the mind.” — Thomas Hobbes In fact, curiosity has actually been called “the knowledge emotion.” It’s not just something that comes from our intellect. It’s an emotional drive. It energizes us to take action. To discover. Learn. Appreciate. And want more than what we already have. This isn’t an accident. Curiosity has allowed the human race to survive and thrive across history. We need to notice changes in our environment. New things could pose a threat. (What’s that rustling in the bushes over there?) And curiosity leads to new skills and discoveries (How does fire work? Is there land across the ocean?) Most people don’t realize how powerful curiosity can. Learn to control it, and you’ll have the ability to make a man far more interested in you and

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the things you tell him. CAN CURIOSITY CHANGE HOW HE FEELS TOWARD ME? Maybe this is how you think about it. “You have to at least care a little bit already, right? Curiosity just enhances those feelings you already had.” Nope. It can actually create interest out of thin air. Let me illustrate. Imagine the evening news has two competing headline stories. 1.

2.

Up next, we’ll interview the director of the Fox Valley Animal Rights Foundation. Find out how you can give money to help animals in your community. The next story begins with an image of a dog. It’s a black Labrador Retriever. He’s stuck on a floating piece of ice in the Hudson River. His name is Jesse. There’s a short video clip taken from a helicopter. It shows the dog pacing from one edge of the ice to the other. He stares down at the freezing water, like he’s trying to decide whether or not to jump. The newscaster promises to head to the scene, where a rescue team is gathering on a nearby shoreline.

Which story is more likely to spark your curiosity? Which one grabs your attention and makes it difficult to flip off the TV? Is it the interview clip with the animal rights director? Or the clip about Jesse the dog? Most people would pick the unfolding story about the dog trapped on a piece of ice. Even if they don’t really care about saving animals.

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Why will they stay glued to the screen? Because it’s not about helping animals. It’s about the plight of a single dog. You’re caught up in his drama. Will he survive? What’s going to happen to him? But even if you really do care about animal rights and saving animals, you would likely pick this story. Even though you can’t do anything to help that dog. Even though listening to the president of the animal rights group would provide you with concrete ways to help animals. Something Jesse’s story is unlikely to do. Because when something piques your interest, logic is not in charge. Curiosity is. Logic tells you to focus your attention on something you can actually influence. To be responsible. Make lists. Create a plan of action. Curiosity doesn’t care about being responsible. Curiosity redirects your attention to the unfolding drama. Because you just have to know what happens next. Let’s look at another example: rubbernecking. It’s a phenomenon you have likely engaged in – while simultaneously finding it frustrating when others do it. Here’s the situation. You’re caught in a traffic jam on the way to work. Cars slow to a crawl in front of you. They may even stop entirely. What the heck is going on? This is ridiculous. As you get closer, you realize that it must be an accident causing this. You shake your head. Really, people? You have to slow down and stare?

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Staring won’t help the victims, and you’re just causing a traffic jam. All those people want to know what happened. They want to know bad enough that they’re willing to cause a traffic jam for everyone behind them. And this occurs all the time. One person slows down to take a look. Then another. And another. Eventually, enough cars slow down that it impacts all the traffic behind them. Sometimes for a mile or more. Even though the accident is not blocking the road at all. But when you finally get to the cause of the problem, you can’t stop yourself from looking either. Because you just have to know. Is it an 18-wheeler blocking off lanes of traffic? Maybe a five car pile-up with the whole emergency squad out to help? Nope. Just a single car pulled off to the side with a smoking engine. A guy on his cell phone waiting for the tow truck. Yup, you fell for it, too. You couldn’t help but take a peek as you passed by. You participated in the problem that caused you the trouble – and made you so frustrated – in the first place. You made it worse for everyone behind you. You potentially put yourself in danger because your focus wasn’t on the road ahead of you. Not a very wise choice. Because logic was not in charge. It took a backseat to your curiosity. If everyone had just relied on logic, they would have driven right past at their usual speed. No one would have been impacted except the driver of that broken down car. The real cause of the slow down wasn’t that vehicle. It was the curiosity of all those people passing by. Perfectly reasonable

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people enticed to act in an unreasonable manner. By their curiosity. This is an important lesson that I want you to take to heart. We pay attention to what grabs our curiosity. And it happens automatically. In fact, it happens even when we try not to be curious. Because curiosity is incredibly strong. WHY CURIOSITY IS SO STRONG Psychologists divide the human psyche into three basic components: emotions, drives, and intellect. Unlike most things that influence our behavior, curiosity appears to emanate from all three. Intellectual interest causes us to ask questions. (“What’s causing this slow down? How bad was the accident?”) Our drive to know means we’re bugged if we try to ignore it. (“I have to know, or it’ll make me crazy wondering the rest of the day!”) And if we pursue the focus of our curiosity, it gives us pleasure. (“Finally, I figured it out!”) It’s pretty hard to ignore a desire coming from every part of your psyche. That’s why you want to get your guy curious. He won’t be able to ignore you! But it gets even better. How do you feel when someone constantly tries to grab your attention? You know the type. The person who just has to be the center of attention – no matter what. Maybe they do shocking or even obscene things that

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you can’t ignore even if you want to. Like telling inappropriate jokes. Wearing risqué clothing. Making offensive remarks. Or they’re just generally loud and obnoxious. They monopolize the conversation. Enter the room with a big greeting that disrupts everyone. They speak over others. They interrupt when you’re in the middle of doing something else. These people often make us feel annoyed, and maybe even manipulated. So why do they do it? For some, it may just be a personality quirk. But others do it because they feel ignored. It’s the only way they can get attention. You’ve probably felt like this around your guy before: “Stop ignoring me!” or “Pay attention to me!” All you want to do is keep his interest. But nothing seems to work. So you may find yourself edging toward this type of behavior. You do your best to be the only person he talks to when you’re out on the town. Or you flirt wildly with someone else in the room. Or you constantly call and send texts when you’re apart. But these are not good tactics for staying fresh in his thoughts. He’ll likely feel annoyed and manipulated by your actions. Eventually, he will come to resent you. He might even pull away. But he won’t pull away from you if you use the methods I’m going to teach you next. Because curiosity always feels self-motivated. When you trigger his curiosity, it feels (to him) as if it came from within. It gives you the power to pull his attention toward you, and do so invisibly.

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THE INVISIBLE POWER OF CURIOSITY Curiosity tugs on the mind. Yet it does so invisibly. Undetected. Much of the power of curiosity comes from the fact that it is invisible. That’s why he won’t feel manipulated when you use curiosity to grab his attention. He will believe the motivation to pay attention to you came from within himself. It’s not that you’re constantly placing yourself front and foremost in his world. He’s the one seeking to put you there. He’s the one who wants to ask you questions. Because he just has to find out more. In fact, it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to get his attention at all. Instead, you are merely the gatekeeper of information. This means you hold the power to grant him admission or deny him access. Question tug at his mind. And you are the gatekeeper. You determine what to reveal. As a result, you become a very interesting person.

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d

How “Curiosity Phrases” Can Keep Him Engaged I’m going to give you a number of different templates. They’re applicable to a wide range of situations and relationship stages. And they can be put into use via text, email, over the phone, or in person. Together, they will help you to generate hundreds of ideas to apply to your own unique relationship and situation. Let’s take a look at different curiosity phrase templates that you can apply depending on what stage of the relationship you’re in. THE “GETTING TO KNOW YOU” PHASE You want him to learn more about you. You want to leave an impression. So that he can’t forget you. But how do you get him to seek out that information on his own? By using these phrases. When you do, he’ll learn more about who you are, what you care about, and your relationship to him. But what’s even better is that it will seem like he is the one who initiated it. As if the desire for the information came from within him. Because it did. You’ll pique his curiosity in a way that

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d makes it almost impossible for him not to ask. Okay, enough explanation. Here are the curiosity phrases for the get to know you phase of a relationship: • “I just remembered the first thought I had when I met you.” • “There’s something about you that just makes me feel comfortable. I think I might’ve just figured out what it is.” • “There’s a specific feeling I have whenever I’m around you.” • “I remember the exact moment I realized I was going to go out with you.” • “Every time you walk into the room I think the same thing.” Notice the pattern here? These phrases create intense curiosity. And it’s largely because humans are fascinated with themselves. We want to know how others see us. Here’s another get to know you phrase. But this one follows a different format. It’s designed to spark conversation about what you have in common. Accomplish that and it will build a feeling of connection very quickly. Here’s the template in action: “I bet we have something in common and don’t even know it. Maybe it’s a place we both like to go. Or a person we both know. Or something we both like to do for fun. But neither of us have any clue what it is.” Curiosity phrases of this type cause him to become interested in your world. And as a nice secondary effect, it also encourages him to open up his inner world to you. Because part of becoming unforgettable to your guy is learning who he really is and showing him you’re interested.

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d Here’s another set of phrases. These demonstrate another basic template. Which is responding to a bland “how are you” question in a way that sparks genuine curiosity. Take a look. And notice how each of these examples lead naturally to a follow up question from him: • “I’m feeling pretty good. Thanks for asking! I’ve been in a good mood all this week. I think I’m looking forward to my trip.” • “Yeah, I am in a great mood. I had a pretty amazing day at work.” • “Exhausted. My annoying neighbor kept me up all night. I really hope I find a new apartment soon.” • “Excited. I have a big event to go to next week!” • “A little frustrated! You would not believe the morning I had.” When someone asks how we’re doing, most of us simply reply, “Good,” without even thinking about it. It’s almost a reflex. But you can do better than that. Why? Because giving an actual, real answer to this question is an opportunity. An opportunity to pique his curiosity and spark a more interesting conversation. With all of the above phrases, you’re asking him to both engage with and learn about things that are happening in your life. Now, you might notice that these tend to be more “surface level” things. But by talking about how they make you feel, you connect them to your inner world as well. Which means you’re also letting him into your inner world – exactly where you want him to be. Here are two more phrases. These can be used when approaching a man you don’t know: • “Are you good at reading people? See if you can guess which of

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d my three friends sitting over there told me I should come talk to you.” • “There’s something about you that made me want to talk to you. Can you guess what it was?” Honestly, these are just cute pickup lines more than anything else. But they work in this context because you’re engaging his attention by asking him to solve a sort of riddle. Curiosity removes awkwardness. It does so by grabbing his attention and giving him something to focus on. STRENGTHENING AN EXISTING RELATIONSHIP Now let’s take a look at curiosity phrases to use in an established relationship. Maybe you are just friends, and you want it to be something more. Or you have been dating, but you haven’t made anything official yet. This is always a hard conversation to bring up. But by using these phrases, it will appear effortless to your guy. You will get him thinking about where the relationship is going – and looking at you as a viable romantic prospect – without having to directly ask him about it. • “I feel like something changed in our relationship somewhere around three weeks ago. Did you notice it, too?” This question grabs his curiosity. What changed? Was it good or bad? Where are you going with this? Then, once you have his undivided attention, follow up by praising something about the relationship. Maybe, “I just feel a lot closer to you.” Or, “I’ve really appreciated how much you’ve been there for me.”

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d Simple, right? And it’s going to make him feel really good. But it does a lot more than that. When he becomes curious about the answer to your question, it causes him to contemplate the relationship from your perspective. “I know how I feel, but how is she feeling?” That’s a good thing. Not only is it healthy for the relationship, it generates interesting discussions that draw you both closer. And if he’s on the cusp of diving into a relationship with you, hearing your positive thoughts about him can be the signal he needs to take the plunge. • “You know what surprised me the most once I got to know you?” The truth is that we’re all narcissists to some degree. We like hearing about ourselves. This specific question gets his attention because it promises to tell him two things: how others initially perceive him, and how those perceptions change over time. There are a couple of ways you can go here. You can use it as a launch pad for a compliment. Or you can use it to ask what he’s learned about you over time. Either way, it will draw you closer. • “I saw something interesting on my way home from work today.” This is an example of creating open space. His curiosity fills that open space with questions. What did you see? A surprising billboard? An accident? Birds flying backwards? An alien spaceship?! What would you find interesting?

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d Using this kind of phrasing is far better at creating a discussion than simply launching into thoughts about your day. Remember, generate curiosity first. Make him wonder. Get him asking questions in his head. Creating potential scenarios. Then strengthen the relationship by sharing your day. Don’t try to do it in reverse order. • “How do you think Jean and Bob afford to go on so many exotic vacations?” This question should be used cautiously. If there’s a chance he will take it as a challenge or a complaint, don’t say it. You don’t want him to think you are hinting at something he has failed to provide. If anything makes him see your question as a complaint, the result will be annoyance and hurt feelings – the exact opposite of what you want. If, however, you are confident that your guy will take your question in the right way, go for it. The goal is simply to make your shared gossip more interesting. In general, men don’t enjoy “gossiping” about other people as much as women. Because of this, you have to approach “gossip” in the right way. First, pique his curiosity. Do this, and he’ll get pleasure from the microgame of trying to figure out the answer. How do Jean and Bob go on so many vacations? His curiosity will make him want to figure it out with you. The formula for this type of curiosity phrase is simple. 1. Notice something about other people in your shared social circles.

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d 2. Frame a question about the gaps or missing bits of information. Follow these steps and it will encourage both of you to try to explain why things are the way they appear to be. • “I want to try something new in bed tonight.” This one I encourage you not to answer. Instead, tell him, “I’ll show you tonight.” I can guarantee you he’ll be thinking about your date all day! PUTTING THE PHRASES TO USE Remember, you don’t have to use any of these exact phrases. They are meant to be templates. You can – and should – create your own. Or mix and match these. It’s really about what works best for you. But before you even get to that point, you need to take the time to understand how and why they work. Then you can switch out the parts as needed to help you connect with your guy. This is something that probably isn’t going to come naturally to you at first. That’s understandable. Because of this, there’s something I want you to do. Think about specific situations where you interact with him on a regular basis. Maybe you work together and chat briefly in the breakroom. Or you run into him while grabbing your mail in your apartment building. It could be that both of you have dogs, and you see him all the time at the local dog park.

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d The location and context of your interactions will impact the types of curiosity phrases that you can use. So look at the specific situations you’ve written down. Then take a look at the list of curiosity phrases above. Use it to create three of your own versions of curiosity phrases. Make sure they fit with the specific situations where you typically interact with him. Then memorize them. This will help you in two ways. First, you’ll have a better understanding of how the templates work. This will make it easier to put them to use when the opportunity arises. Second, you now have several curiosity phrases ready. So you won’t have to think them up on the spot. Don’t just read about this. Do it! You’ll be glad you did. Another great way to get started with curiosity phrases is to send them via text. This is useful for a couple of reasons. First, it keeps you from getting tongue-tied, forgetting what you want to say, or psyching yourself out. These are things that can easily happen if you try to use curiosity phrases in person when you’re first starting out. Texting also allows you to take longer than normal to respond without it seeming strange. After all, he won’t know how long you took to craft a particular message. The nature of texting allows for some delay. For all he knows, you could have been distracted by a number of things between the time he sent the message and when you responded. Use this extra time to think about the reply you would normally give him. Then take out this book. See if you can change one of the existing

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H o w “ C u r i o s i t y P h ra s e s ” C a n Ke e p H i m E n g a g e d curiosity phrases here to fit the situation. Then put it to use. The goal is to put curiosity phrases into action. And to build your confidence and comfort with using them. So that raising his curiosity eventually just comes naturally to you.

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H o w t o C r e a t e C u r i o s i t y Tr i g g e r s W h e n Yo u ’ r e A p a r t

How to Create Curiosity Triggers When You’re Apart Since I’m on the subject of texting, now seems like a great time to talk about creating curiosity triggers when you’re apart. After all, getting his attention when you’re in the room with him is just half the battle. You want to be unforgettable. You need him to keep thinking about you when you’re in the next room. When you’re at the opposite end of the city. When you’re halfway around the world. That’s what this next section is about. The curiosity triggers below are great for getting his attention from afar. For obvious reasons, texting plays a big part in this. But you should not feel limited to texts. You can also use these types of curiosity triggers in an email. Some of these can even be used on a phone call. The point is that none of them require his presence. • “I’ll give you three guesses why I had to skip lunch today.” This kind of trigger works best when he actually knows enough about your life to have a shot at guessing correctly. This is sharing your day via

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H o w t o C r e a t e C u r i o s i t y Tr i g g e r s W h e n Yo u ’ r e A p a r t gamification. He will enjoy the challenge of thinking through everything he knows about your recent life events to see if he can guess why you had to skip lunch. Another example of the same basic template would be, “You’ll never believe what broke on my car today. Actually, you probably would believe it given my luck.” You could just come out and tell him, but you don’t. Instead, you give him the small rush of pleasure that comes from curiosity and an effort to show you his prediction skills. • “Remind me later to tell you what I heard about those new tennis courts where you play.” This example follows a simple structure. Start with an indication that there’s something interesting to talk about. Follow that up by saying you don’t have time to go into it right then, or don’t want to share via text. Then make it relevant to his life. His curiosity will be piqued. He will think about you more often during the day. Why? Because it’s unfinished business. And unfinished business is like an itch we can’t scratch. It has been proven to pop into our minds more often than something that’s all squared away. Now, you don’t have to make it relevant to his life. The curiosity pull for this one is so strong it can be completely irrelevant. He’ll still be looking forward to a conversation with you later. But if you make his invested interest in it clear up-front, all the better!

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H o w t o C r e a t e C u r i o s i t y Tr i g g e r s W h e n Yo u ’ r e A p a r t For instance, let’s say the gossip you heard is that the opening of the new tennis courts is being delayed because of recent bad weather. You could say, “Remind me later to tell you what I heard about the recent bad weather.” That will still get him wondering. What could she want to tell me about the weather? What did it impact? But it probably won’t weigh on his mind nearly as much as it would if you had mentioned the tennis courts instead. Especially if he’s excited about them opening. Because that tells him up front why he’ll care about your news. When we have a vested interest in something, it makes us sit up and take notice. • “Bet you can’t guess where I am right now. If you see me today, it’s not because I’m stalking you.” Not only is this a wonderful curiosity generator – it’s a formula that is incredibly simple. Step one: Tell him something about your typical schedule has changed. Step two: Leave out the reason. Contrast it with the typical method people use. “I am meeting with a colleague near your office today. Don’t be surprised if you see me. Maybe we could have lunch.” This is just information transfer. There’s no boost in curiosity. Because there’s no information gap there for him to get curious about. A WORD OF WARNING FOR USING CURIOSITY TRIGGERS

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H o w t o C r e a t e C u r i o s i t y Tr i g g e r s W h e n Yo u ’ r e A p a r t Be careful with these kinds of triggers. Yes, you want to hold back information. But you don’t want to send messages that seem vague. This will make it feel like you’re begging for attention. For example, it would not be a good idea to send this text: “Well, that was weird!” Why not? Because it feels manipulative. It’s clear that you want him to respond with, “What was weird?” How is this any different than the other suggestions I’ve given you here? Because the above text doesn’t actually pique his curiosity. You didn’t say enough for him to be curious about anything. He has no context. As a result, his mind focuses on the lack of information and the lack of substance in your text. It’s not an information gap, but a complete absence of information. To get him curious, you have to provide enough information for him to notice that a piece is missing.

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Texting Your Life Story

Okay, you’re not really going to text your life story. Instead, this section is meant to show you how you can text about unfolding events in your life – and get him hooked on finding out what happens next. In order to become a part of his life in a meaningful way, he needs to have an interest in your day-to-day life. Unfortunately, as I’ve mentioned before, regular life tends to be pretty dull. But it doesn’t have to be – if you present it in the right way. Notice how information is provided in the story below, but there’s a gap. Don’t go out of your way to draw his attention to the gap. His curiosity will do that for you. “So my mom called me today. She said my father is talking about taking another overseas assignment. This time it would be in a country they’ve never lived in before. I can tell she doesn’t want to go. But something tells me she’s hiding that fact from my father and just complaining to me instead of telling him. It’s so frustrating.” There are two curiosity-provoking elements I want to point out here. The first is the missing information about which country they might be going to. The second has to do with why it bothers her. And what is it about the way her mother spoke that makes it seem like she’s not being open with the father?

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If you want to pull him into a discussion, leave out a few details. It seems counterintuitive, but it works. Telling him less actually makes him more engaged, not less. Weird, but true. Remember, though, that you don’t want to provide too little information. Here’s how that might look: “So my mom called me today. I’m frustrated by this news she just dropped on me. And I think my father will be too. Can you believe it?” Believe what? You didn’t even tell him what the news was. This text would be more confusing than compelling. He might even wonder if you accidentally deleted part of it. The bottom line? Gaps. Not blank space. SETTING UP QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERS Now let’s look at a text message designed for little more than entertainment: “Hey, what’s that scent you wear?” Seems like a pretty straightforward question, right? One with a simple answer. But if you ask it out of the blue, his curiosity radar will go up immediately. He’s going to want to know why you’re asking. When he asks, you can reply with, “It’s a secret.” Aaargggh! Talk about maddening. A secret? Now he has to know! Naturally, he’ll ask you about it later. It could be that you were thinking of buying him cologne for Christmas. Or maybe you were telling your girlfriends how dreamy he smells. They were all curious to know if it was

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aftershave, cologne, or something else. I’m going to tell you something important though. You don’t have to have any reason. And you certainly don’t have to answer him. Sometimes a little mystery can be invigorating. And that’s good for any relationship. Something else that’s important to note – you don’t have to limit these kinds of questions to texts, emails, or phone calls. You can have the exact same conversation in person. In fact, doing this provides you with the opportunity to act playfully coy. Here are some other examples in this vein: “Are you busy Friday night?” “I might be, why?” “Well, people are asking me to make plans, so I’m just considering my options.” This kind of exchange is going to create burning curiosity. Who are these other people competing for your attention? Did some other guy ask you out on a date? The basic template for this curiosity-provoker is this: a question that automatically causes him to be interested in why you’re seeking that information. Here’s an example of how it might look in a well-established relationship: “Do we have any money set aside for entertainment purposes right now?” “A little, why do you ask?” “Oh, maybe I’m just being impractical, but I had an idea.”

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Talk about a great way to start a discussion about a last minute getaway or fun-money expense. It gets him engaged and interested before he hears the idea. That makes him less likely to shut down or be resistant to your ideas. Curiosity feels good. It stimulates interest in possibilities. It makes you seem more interesting. THE CURIOSITY QUESTION MASTER FORMULA Here’s the key I want you to take away from all these examples. Think of it as the “master formula.” You start with the mundane things you would try to communicate anyway. But you leave out information. Then you pause just long enough to trigger his curiosity. This gets him to interact and engage with what you’re saying. Do this and you will be a focus of his interest on a continuous basis. Now that we’ve explored the topic of curiosity, use it to enhance the results you get with texting. You understand his secret obsession. It’s a powerful key for pulling him closer. But now I want you to add curiosity to the mix. Use curiosity and my simple text message formulas to tug on his drives and instincts even more often. Work hard, but also try to relax and have fun as you apply these principles. And remember to enjoy the journey, not just the destination! Always on your side, James Bauer

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