How To Pick Up Strippers

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS

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ISBN #1-55601-405-8 Copyright © 2003 Gary Brodsky All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher. The RAGE

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS GARY BRODSKY Published by the RAGE

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“If she be false, O! then heaven mocks itself. I’ll not believe it.” — William Shakespeare

“A fool and his money are soon parted.” — James Howell

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INTRODUCTION

Do You Really Know What You’re Doing Here?

So, gentlemen, you want to pick yourself up a stripper, do you? My, my, my. Well, I’m telling you, I know one thing about you already. I know that you have got to have some kind of goddamn impressive balls on you if you really think you’re in that kind of league. Either that, my lad, or you’re one mighty stupid son of a bitch. What’s that, you shout? You say I’m not leaving you very much middle ground? Well, you’re fucking-A-right on that one. Oh, yeah! In fact, I’ll tell you this, Commander Cody, if you think you’ve got the stuff to pick up strippers, you might have some kind of fucking King Kong sized-balls on you and 1

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS might still be one stupid son of a bitch. And, don’t go letting your nose fly all out of joint and start getting all upset with me. I’m just here to shoot you the straight shit and you should know it. And, while we’re on the subject, since most everyone out there holding this book should know me, I’m assuming you know that I am the goddamned king of this kind of information. For those who don’t know me, let me just introduce myself quickly. My name is Gary Brodsky, and I’ve laid more women than the MTA has laid feet of train track (and since they’ve put down hundreds upon hundreds of miles of subway track, trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about here). So, believe me, Sidney, if you actually think that you’re up to the Herculean challenge of picking up a stripper as your next cuddle toy, you had better understand up front and full force that you are getting ready to play with fucking dynamite. Do you understand me here? Are you catching my drift? Are you even listening, or are you just thinking of long legs wrapped around a pole with your hand firmly wrapped around your willie? That’s wouldn’t be bright. So, let me just say the words again in an attempt to get 2

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS through to you. If you think you—yes, you, and I don’t care who you are, or more to the point, whoever it is you think you are— are up to the challenge of picking up a stripper in this day and age, then trust me on this one, Chuck, if you’ve never trusted me on anything before this, you had goddamn well better understand, right now, up front and full force, that you are getting ready to play with fucking dynamite. Hell, I don’t even know why I describe this situation by using a word as puny, as wimpy as mere dynamite. When it comes to the dating game, man o’ man, strippers are not dynamite, strippers are fucking weapons of mass destruction. And I mean, we’re talking the whole NBC package here—nuclear, biological and chemical warfare— oh, yeah; strippers are the fucking atomic bombs of dating, and only the top dogs, those with commando training and bomb squad experience had better make an attempt at trying to defuse one of these bitches. In fact, forget mere atomics, jump past hydrogen bombs, even. Strippers are the neutron bombs of the dating scene. What do I mean by that? I shall explain. The neutron bomb is one of the more evil weapons of mass destruction ever created. When it detonates, it kills all 3

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS the people in a specific area, but it doesn’t harm property. The buildings remain standing. Wealth and treasure isn’t burned up or melted down. It all remains completely recoverable by the invading enemy. And that’s what makes strippers the neutron bombs of the dating world. These ladies will flash-fry you without a second thought. They will kill you and laugh about it, and then leave your fucking carcass out to dry, while at the same time they make off with your wallet, your car, your bank account, your house, your kid’s college fund, and anything else that isn’t nailed down. Are you getting the picture now? Let me make it easy for you. Here, here’s the whole story from beginning to end in a neat little nutshell. Can you get a date with a stripper? Sure thing, you Magoos— you probably can. Any one of you. Picked your nose since the fifth grade—so what? Out of shape? The kind of guy people described as a “pumpkin” rather than “pumped?” Bad skin? Short? Balding? Wardrobe not updated since the Nixon presidency? No problem. Honest. You can absolutely get a date with a stripper. I’m not kidding. As long, that is, as you’ve got money. And plenty of it. 4

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Again, allow me to explain. All across the country and around the Western world, strip clubs are rapidly gaining in both popularity and acceptance. Cage dancers, lap dancers, pole dancers, bar runners, show girls, whatever the name, suddenly the stigma of shame has been removed from frequenting their haunts. Politicians, doctors and lawyers are taking meetings in places like the Glitterdome and The Front Line without the slightest worry of any kind of social reproach. Oh, yes, it’s all out-in-the-open, nice-and-proper good times now, isn’t it? It sure is. And, it’s that sudden “respectability” that has turned what was once known as “the local clip joint” practically overnight into a billion dollar business. A business housing creatures that are leaving thousands of destroyed families and careers in their wake every year. Now, everyone thinks they know exactly what strip clubs are all about. Tell me if this description is different from what you think it’s all about. Men with nothing better to do with their time go in and waste their money on a bunch of dancers. They watch the girls shake their goods, stick a few dozen dollar bills in their garter belts, and then they go back to the office or 5

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS home to their wives after a few beers and a couple of hours of off-color but essentially harmless fun. No big deal. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It should. It’s the myth carefully promoted by the clubs and its patrons to make them seem harmless, practically innocent, and thus okay to have around in family neighborhoods. But, oh brother, nothing could be more absurdly further from the truth. Of course, yes, it’s true that America’s topless clubs can be nothing more than a mild diversion for the occasional man who is truly looking for nothing more than to disrupt his regular routine with a bit of “naughty” fun. But, for many with no actual idea of what lies beyond the strip club entrance, the first step through the doorway is often the beginning move down the road to ruin. I’m giving it to you straight here, so be a man and take it, because if you don’t, you are doomed. The patrons of strip clubs who aren’t interested in anything beyond downing a few brews and watching some naked women cavort for a while are quickly sized up by the dancers. These guys are crossed off the prospect list and ignored (and trust me, most of them would be happy to know that if they had any idea what not getting crossed off the list can mean). 6

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Honestly, I am telling you right now, Dobie, the women in these clubs are not dancing there solely for the chance to have guys who don’t wash their hands when they’re in the bathroom pawing their crotches and asses just so they can collect portraits of George Washington. Being pawed and drooled over is what they put up with, not why they’re there. Nope, they’re there for the regulars—the dimwits who become nightly fixtures—that’s who these gals are waiting for. These dopes are their targets, those boobs who can be made to believe that they “are the one”—that oh, so special man, that prince, that savior, who could be the certain wonderful someone that each and every strip girl has been waiting for, and pining away for, for ever so long. These saps are the victims, used regularly with a deliberate and vicious calculation, who lives are destroyed on a routine basis. And brother, I’m telling you right now, if you don’t listen to me, and I mean listen to every single word I tell you like you’ve never listened to anything before, you are going to get your ass hung out to dry so fast you’re going to think some terrorist flew a fucking jet liner up your ass. Now, am I saying there’s no way possible to date a 7

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS stripper without getting your ass handed to you? Well, of course not. This is Gary Brodsky you’re talking to here. I could’ve gotten Princess Diana and Mother Theresa in a three way if I wanted to. I am the high octane, balls-to-thewalls, once and future king of Getting It, and don’t you ever forget it. But, just to let you know how serious this is, I will remind you that even I have had my bad days. No one is born being able to shag all the snatch they want. We learn, we try, we make mistakes, and we try again. I had to get to the top of the heap like any other master of any discipline—and you, my students, had better heed me when I speak. There is no tougher nut to crack that a stripper. None. Period. You’ll find seventy prostitutes with a heart of gold who will love you forever before you’ll find a single stripper who will give you a break. Huh, Gary—what’re you talking about (I hear from the peanut gallery)? Aren’t strippers and whores the same thing? No way. Not by a long shot. Prostitutes you pay for sex. You hand them money, they do what you want. You want a blow job, you get it. A hand job, your wish is their 8

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS command. A rim job, in the back door, up the Erie Canal, missionary style, whatever you want—okay? It’s your dough. To paraphrase the Bible here, pay and ye shall receive. Strippers laugh at hookers. Why? Because, you doofus, strippers don’t have to have sex with you to get your money—get it, now? You pay strippers for the illusion of sex. When a prostitute takes money for sex, she’s breaking the law. She’s the temptress, she’s the criminal. But, when you go to a strip club, what happens? You sit in the darkness and peep at a woman while she takes her clothes off. You’re the voyeur. You’re the one breaking the law, spying on a helpless woman while she simply gets undressed. You’re the criminal. Yes, I know it’s legal. I’m talking intent here, okay? Why else are the lights kept low in these places everywhere except for on the stage? So you can hide out from the other guys in the place? Why, because you’re embarrassed? That’s just not the way it is anymore. Now these places are respectable social clubs. No, strip clubs are set up the way they are to give you the impression that you are doing something naughty simply by being there. The club is 9

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS hoping to bring back the feeling you had staring out your window when you were ten at the neighbor woman as she got ready for bed. They are encouraging you to feel bold and reckless, setting the mood for you to feel like one dangerous cat. After all, a dangerous cat has everything under control. A dangerous cat is respected, feared. It does what it wants, when it wants, and the way it wants. These clubs want you in this frame of mind. The better you feel about yourself, the more comfortable you get. The more comfortable you are, the more relaxed you get. The more relaxed you get, the more relaxed you want to stay. And so, when the waitress comes around to take your drink order, sure, you’ll have another. After all, you’re in charge here, you’re a tough guy, and you can do what you want whenever you want. Yeah, get me another drink, and make it snappy. And the waitress runs off to do your bidding because you’re just the most masculine hunk of beef she’s seen in ages. Of course, that’s what the back of your mind tells you. What it doesn’t tell you is that your entire selfdeluding image of this place and your relationship with it will crumble if the waitress tells you that you have to order 10

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS another drink or leave. So, you order the drink without having the confrontation. Well, these girls work just like their clubs. They get you thinking you are the king of kings, and then constantly throw obstacles in your way to force you to prove your royal linage. And, surprise, surprise, most of those obstacles can only be removed with yet another out lay of cash. But, one step at a time. This is going to be a rougher ride than usual. Most of the time in my books I’m telling you how to get over on average, work-a-day women, the types of bimbos you find everywhere. Most women are strictly amateurs in the game of love and sex, but they think just because they have something between their legs that most men want, that they automatically win. And hey, let’s face it, often times with most guys, they do win. But, these bitches are so easy to put into their place it’s pathetic. No so with strippers. These women are hard as nails, twice as sharp and capable of enduring just as much punishment without bending a millimeter. They know all the tricks, all the dodges, every single way to drain money out of most men 11

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS like a water faucet. But, there is hope. There really is. Just like the fact most women think that because they have a pussy they are automatically the heavyweight champ of any relationship, so do strippers think they have a big advantage as well. For them, they aren’t relying on their pussies. No, they’re relying on a few other things they have up their sleeves—tricks that they are so used to having pay off for them that they can be tricked, manipulated, fooled and dominated just like any other female. But, before I can teach you how to defeat the enemy, you’re going to have to know a bit more about the enemy first. So, what are you waiting for? Turn the page and let’s get started.

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CHAPTER ONE

What Strippers Are All About

So, the big question—here it is—just what is it that strippers really want from you? Man, let me tell you right now that there are all manner of things that they enjoy taking from their marks. Self-respect is one. Brother, do they love getting their hands on that. In fact, there are a whole bundle of emotions they love to twist and destroy in men. But, let’s get down to answering the blunt realities. So, just what do strippers want? Fuck, man, what does everybody want in this world? Money—okay? They want your fucking money. Money, of course, first and foremost, is always the key in any commercial operation. But unlike most legitimate business concerns, the stripper more harkens back to the days of the flim-flam men and the traveling carnivals than your corner grocer. There is a hell of a lot more of P.T. 13

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Barnum in their blood than Henry Ford or Joseph Kennedy. Now, I can hear you shouting out there, but Gary, both Ford and Kennedy were miserable crooks who worked the poor slobs under them to death. They were a pair of robber barons, just cutthroat pirates who robbed and looted wherever they could. And all I can say in return is, that’s right. They were and they did. But, even Ford and Kennedy had ethics compared to Barnum. No trick was beneath Barnum in his quest for other people’s money with which to line his pockets. P.T. Barnum was such a twisted thief, I’ll tell you how bad he was. This dude glued the top half of a monkey and the bottom half of a fish together and charged people to see it, calling it a mermaid. He got away with that little shenanigan and a lot more. How, you ask? Because he was brazen about it. He decided all people were chumps to be taken for all they’re worth. He is, after all, the man who coined the phrase about suckers, claiming that, “There’s one born every minute.” And, let me tell you boys right here and now, ol’ P.T. Barnum, in the moment he said those words, he gave strippers the motto they would live by ever after. Let me 14

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS give you just one example to try and make my point. By far, the most famous stripper this sad world of ours has ever known was Gypsy Rose Lee. She turned the shabby details of her hideous family life into a musical, and herself into a beloved celebrity. Years past her prime, she was a favorite guest of the afternoon talk show circuit. She modeled her public persona on the classic image of the “whore with a heart of gold,” and she made a mint doing it. Indeed, she made several mints over the decades. As far as most people are concerned, the fortune she made simply taking her clothing off would have been enough. Especially considering that Lee was the woman responsible for the “gentrifying” of the stripper arts. Until her time, strippers were considered low class sluts who took their clothes off in smokey gin joints. They were lumped in with prostitutes and drug dealers in the minds of the general public. Gypsy Rose Lee was the first stripper to not strip on stage and make a success of it here in America. Borrowing a technique from the French theatre, she created the now notorious fan dances which made her famous. These were what is called tease dances, routines wherein the dancer actually shows the audience none of her goodies, and yet 15

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS instead of disappointing them, leaves them begging for more. After she came up with that trick, well, ol’ Gypsy was a celebrity. From then on she did everything she could to drag herself all the way to the top of the heap, up to national and even worldwide stardom. She did this through all sorts of ventures, including, believe it or not, that of novelist. That’s right. No ordinary two-bit whore is Ms. Gypsy Rose Lee. Why, she’s a mystery writer, and a good one, too. Or at least, that’s what the public was told. In 1941, “The G String Murders” was released, a murder mystery supposedly written by Lee. And, this was no junk book put out by some low-life publisher. No, this book was released by Simon & Schuster. That means it has to be real—right? Not really. The book was actually written by one of the more prolific mystery writers of the day, Craig Rice. Now, yes of course, Mr. Rice most likely received a crap load more to write this book and put her name on it than he ever did for any of the ones he wrote that he got to put his own name on. So, you ask, if he got paid handsomely, what’s the harm? So the stripper got to pretend she was a writer. So what? Don’t celebrities do stuff like that all the 16

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS time? Jezz’us, what’s the big deal? The problem here is two fold. First off, every time any celebrity puts their name on something and passes it off on their own, they are stealing from those who buy the product. People weren’t buying “The G String Murders” in the tremendous numbers that they were because it was the greatest mystery novel of all time. Not hardly. No, they bought it because they heard that that stripper chick wrote a good book and they just had to see it for themselves. It was a lie, you see. She told a lie and the suckers forked over their dough so they could take their turns one after another lapping that lie up as fast as they could. The second half of what’s wrong with this is far more insidious, however. You see, if someone does something you didn’t think they could do, you automatically have to extend them more respect. The stripper writes a book. The book is good. And people’s minds start to whir: Gee, she must be smarter than I thought. In fact, since I can’t write a book, she must be smarter than me. Now, put it all together. Take all the components of Gypsy Rose Lee’s career together and what do we have? A stripper from a broken home, a woman from the worst part of society escapes her abusive family by presenting 17

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS herself as everything she is not. And, how does she rise to fame? By not delivering the goods. What am I talking about, you ask? Hey, just take a little look at the facts, will you. As soon as this chick got herself established on the stage, she begins to become far more famous for not taking her clothes off. She then gets even richer selling the rubes a book she didn’t write. Finally, she spends the rest of her life as a celebrity, going from one gala social function to another, raking it in from radio and television appearances, presenting herself as a wonderful person, presenting the entire world of stripping as harmless entertainment, presenting strippers as clever, kindly, warm-hearted people who you would just love having as a next door neighbor. This is the way strippers all operate. Granted, Lee was the queen of their grasping heap, raking it in on an international level, but the whole miserable bunch of them take their cues from her. The rules are simple: every man is a sucker. Never give a one of them an even break. Take them for all you can while giving them as little as possible in return. Yeah, Gypsy Rose Lee set the bar high, but the strippers 18

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS that have followed in her wake learned their lessons well. The hundreds of thousands of ruined men they’ve left strewn across the wasteland attest to that. And the worst part of it all is, these women not only feel no shame for any of the lives they destroy, they delight in them. Now, over the years I’ve got to say I have dated a lot of strippers. But, on top of the pure fun of matching wits with them, I’ve also gone out and interviewed as many of them as I could for this book, and I’m telling you right now, gang, you simply won’t believe what they’re actually willing to admit about what they do and how they do it. Believe it or not (and trust me, I suggest you believe it, because they certainly seem to), every single one of the women I interviewed, not a few or half or even threequarters, but every single one of them felt that men were— as a sex—all lonely and frightened, people desperate for the chance to buy themselves an actual ego. They believed that their clients were, more often than not, men who could feel sexually satisfied simply by, and quite often only by, the spending of money. And, what surprised me, and should also surprise all of you, was that this money was usually not spent on sex but in a thousand other ways dictated by the dancers themselves. 19

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS The strip girls I talked during these interviews were happy to proclaim themselves complete and thorough experts in the art of making their patrons feel as if they were in total control while they were actually being dangled at arm’s length by the strippers they were so desperate to possess. It seems that once any stripper finds a suitable target, all of their efforts are then spent making the man feel that he is merely one step away from being the love of their life. That’s when “if only” enters the scene, and the money drain begins. If only this guy could prove himself, if only she could be sure about him, if only there was only some way he could show her he really loved her, if only there was enough money for him to make her comfortable enough ... A thousand different strategies were described during these interviews, but no matter who the woman might be, all of them ended with the same desired result—the complete and total financial ruin of their victim. Like the Barnums they are, like any other con artist working the marks of this world, the strippers prowling today’s club culture delight in not merely taking down a sucker, but in taking him for every last fucking nickel until he is utterly finished—completely ruined. 20

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Get used to it, matey. The minds of the dancers I picked to study for this book were truthfully some sad and bitter landscapes. I’m telling you, boys, these are desperate, angry women, at war with men in general and themselves in particular. The clubs they use as their bases are acrid, feral outposts. They might be hiding behind masks of modern respectability, but so do a lot of evils these days. Homosexuals are all the rage, don’t you know? Men who like to fuck pre-pubescent boys up the ass are so respectable they have their own club. It has parades and newsletters and everything. Oh yeah, the world is a’drench with respectability these days. All the same, I’d still be careful which toilet seat I sat down on if I were you. Worse yet, as far as we’re concerned, to those few in the public spotlight who do care about what happens to men these days, it is the clubs that appear to be the problem. It is the clubs that are luring men inside, it is the clubs that are victimizing the poor girls who work there. After all, everyone knows that these are honorable, dignified women who would do anything else if they weren’t trapped in such a horrible life. Trapped by the evil clubs and the gangsters that run them. Yakyakyakyak 21

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Guys, honestly, let me get it across to you right fucking now that absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, these clubs do use their stripers to gather customers for their purposes and, yes, the profits are extremely good. But for the most part, the club owners are the same kind of middle managers and accountants that run most businesses. The “poor, abused” dancers are the true sharks of this story, and these great whites will run you down, chew you up and spit you out before you can get your fucking sights set straight. Now, again I say, I understand that this must all sound as if I am telling you, as King Arthur ordered in “Monty Python & the Holy Grail,” to “run away, run away.” And, you know, for a hell of a lot of you, perhaps that’s exactly what I’m saying. I will say this to you all—yes, it is possible to date strippers and get what you want and keep what you have. This is a true statement. I know it’s true because I’m its living proof. But, what I can accomplish with women is not what every man can accomplish. And, this is not an insult. Hey, I can’t change the spark plugs in my car. I’ll bet a lot of you guys can. I can’t wash a window properly. No matter how hard I try I always leave streaks. I don’t know why. 22

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS We all have things we’re good at and things we can’t get the hang of. For me, getting laid, by any chick I want, at any time, in any way, et cetera, has always been a breeze. I took a few knocks along the way, but by and large getting my chain pulled is easier for me than just about anything. So, what I’m saying here is, if you want the information on how to make strippers jump through your hoops instead of visa versa, you’ve come to the right teacher. Remember, I’m not recommending you run right out and try to form a meaningful relationship with Gypsy Rose Lee’s great granddaughter after reading another twenty pages of so. But, those of you who read this whole book, and who study it, should have as good a shot as any man in conquering that greatest of sexual Everests, getting a stripper to be your personal whore. To this end, I have filled this book with all the strategies strippers use for fleecing their victims. Chapter by chapter, their psychological attacks will be revealed, their stories recorded, their ways of destroying their prey will be laid out in all their gory details. By the time you reach the end of this book, I will have shown you exactly how these women work alone, in partnerships and even in teams to lure their victims to their financial doom. I will 23

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS reveal how they will run strings of five to ten men at a time, how they will do anything to make a man feel as if he is “a real man,” not through sex, of course, but through being a protector. I’m going to cover all their cons so you’ll be ready for everything. I’m going to tell you about their fictitious dysfunctional families, the expensive emergencies that only your generosity can take care of, the sudden diseases, and all the other fucking whore’s tricks they use to make their targets feel they are knights in shining armor. In this modern era of business-suited, serious shoed, correct hair-doed working world-women, in this time of political correctness and strident feminism, it is easy to see how women who coo and smile, who take off their clothes and whisper in breathless voices, who do not compete, who hang of a man’s every word, can succeed like no regular woman can. And hey, let’s face it, guys, these days, there are a hell of a lot of—too many, really—men who feel trapped, unsure of how to approach women; who are just simply tired of having to compete on all levels. A woman who seems to ask for nothing, who only wants to please, who devotes all her energy into focusing on “her special guy” ... a woman 24

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS like this has triumphed before anyone knows the battle has started. I’m telling you right now, men, I am going to give you the completely raw, sordid and in many ways totally unbelievable world of the strip clubs, of the men it ruins and the families it destroys. As soon as you guys are ready, turn the page, and we’ll get started on your tour of the most fucked up wonderland anyone ever could have thought up. And remember ... You were warned.

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C H A P T E R T WO

So, Why Do Strippers Want Your Cash?

So, Gary, what is it that makes you think that strippers are so greedy? Is it really greed? I mean, aren’t these women mistreated by the club owners? Isn’t this a terrible life? Aren’t a lot of them kept hooked on drugs by the gangsters in charge of the clubs? Aren’t they all really just trapped? Aren’t they all just really waiting for someone to rescue them from this terrible life that fate has somehow led them to? Wouldn’t they all rather be in college, or working as a dental technician, or a court stenographer? I mean, really Gary, aren’t you being too harsh on these poor women, who after all, are just victims? Man, if I actually heard one of you spout that kind of 27

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS politically correct bullshit, I would just have to go all kinds of Moe Howard on your Larry-shaped head and slap you until you were fucking silly. What a load of crap. These women are victims the way the asswipes who flew those fucking jets into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were victims of their religion. Those shitheels knew exactly what they were doing, okay? They knew exactly what they were doing. And so do the bitches we’re talking about. I’ll say it again—these barracudas know exactly what they are doing. And, brother, you’d better know exactly what you’re doing if you’re going to try and date one. Believe me. But, let’s get back to the question. Why do these women want your cash? Perhaps because they’re poor. Could that be it? I mean, they are working under horrible conditions, why, it’s almost like slavery, isn’t it? Oh, those poor, poor darlings, I mean, those virginal saints, forced to work in those horrible places, doing those terrible things, and their managers or bosses or pimps or whatever these modern slave owners are called probably take 90% of what they make, oh my God, Gary, I mean, oh my God, no wonder these poor, degraded women are so 28

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS desperate that they’ll do anything to get their hands on more dough. I swear, if any of you said anything like that, a Larryslapping isn’t good enough for you. Fuck, I’m going to have to go Shemp on your ass. Get it through your head right now, these women do not need your money. They have plenty of their own. Ten times plenty. Now grab your calculator and try to follow along with me while we do a little math. The day of getting attention out of a stripper or lap dancer or whatever with a one dollar bill is over. That went out with mood rings, vinyl records and phones with dials. These bitches get a ten or a twenty just for a flashed look at their breasts or a one minute lap dance. Now press that up for the slower members of the audience, would you? Let’s say the average girl is getting in forty-five of those shots an hour. Believe me, that’s pretty conservative. Anyway, forty five times fifteen (again, let’s be conservative [it’s good enough for George W. Bush, it oughta be good enough for us]) is what? Six hundred and seventy five dollars—that’s how much it fucking comes to. Tell me, Spanky, when’s the last time your hourly pay 29

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS rate came in close to seven hundred an hour? And let’s not forget one real important fact here. That six seventy five is coming to them in cash. You understand that? They’re getting that clear, above board, no taxes. Now, back to our calculus lesson—let’s say our poor darlings don’t want to wear themselves out. Let’s only make them work four hours a night. Okay—that’s not too bad, is it? So, what the fuck would that come to? Four times seven seventy five, that comes to a total of two thousand and seven hundred camel-humping dollars! Do you get that? Can you comprehend that much money? For one day’s work? For just four fucking hours of work?! Can you even wrap your brain around that kind of return? Well, brace yourself, because if we take this further and say our little missy decides to work four days a week, you know what her goddamned weekly rate of return is going to be? Ten thousand and eight hundred dollars! Yeah, you heard me. And if they work forty-six weeks out of the year, only taking a mere six weeks vacation for themselves, what does that come to? Brace yourselves, citizens, because any of these poor, deprived, desperate modern slaves that bother to work four hours a day, four 30

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS days a week, taking a month and a half vacation time for themselves, they’re going to pull in a measly four hundred and ninety six thousand and eight hundred dollars for their trouble! That’s just a shade under a half a fucking million dollars a year. And if the fucking bitches worked an extra week, only taking five weeks vacation a year, they’d make more than a half a fucking million dollars a year! So, get it out of your heads that these babes are desperate for money. Oh, they might be desperate for cash, but not for any reason you were ever desperate for a couple of extra bucks. No, these creatures are just the greediest women on Earth. They’ve got a mad on against men and delight in sucking them dry and pretending to be put upon single moms who can’t meet the rent and who have to support their invalid mother who needs an operation blahblahblahblah, is their way to do it. Indeed, if you look at the figures, these hell witches could simply work eight hour days and rake in the cash like no one’s business. Getting gifts and “loans” and favors from dopes too stupid to hang onto their mortgage and car payments because some skank bats her fake eyelashes at him and says, “Oh please,” can’t bring in the same amount 31

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS hour for hour that their club work brings them. Mathematically, it doesn’t add up. So, why do these gals bother with marks at all? Why don’t they just dance eight hours a day for their four days a week and take two weeks vacation and settle for earning the one million three hundred and sixty eight thousand in cold cash (don’t forget that little detail!) they would make? Why? I’ll tell you. Because to these malicious, twisted bitches, it’s simply just too much fun breaking guys backs and then leaving them to die in the fucking gutter. That’s why. Now, trying to be fair, and to not beat on the wonderful world of strippers too severely, let’s admit a few things here. Sure, these dames love to get stuff out of men without having to give anything in return. They adore this. But hey, I mean, don’t we all? Seriously, don’t you love finding a quarter in the coin return of the phone or Pepsi machine or whatever? It isn’t a lot of money, hell, it’s practically nothing. But it was free. And man, let’s face it, free makes all the difference. Doesn’t it? You’re fucking ARight it does. Getting too much change back, finding twenty-two 32

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS McNuggets in your twenty pack, spotting that loose dollar on the sidewalk, we all love these moments. Getting over by only a few fucking pennies can brighten most of our days, if only for a few moments. Let’s face it—it’s true. Well, imagine getting your apartment paid for by someone else for free. Imagine not living in some dump, but having someone paying for a luxury condo for you, and all you had to do was say “thank you,” and pretend to be grateful. Or worse—imagine that you’ve got four or five guys paying for the same place, that you are letting one of them actually pay the bill and you’re pocketing the rest, and all you have to do is tell all four or five of these bozos “thank you,” and pretend to be grateful. Now imagine that these four or five chumps, and twenty or thirty other clown school graduates are giving you jewelry and fancy dinners, new clothing and furniture, vacations, jet liner tickets, cars—whatever you fucking ask for—just because you ask. How on-top-of-thegoddamned-world would you feel then? Yeah, you’d feel pretty fucking on top of things all right, and you damn well know it. So, let’s review. 33

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Strippers aren’t oppressed. They aren’t drug slaves anyone has to feel sorry for. No one is forcing any stripper to do what they do. They do it because the money is good and the opportunities for making men dance and look like chumps are enormous. Strippers are consummate business professionals who can make a half million dollars a year without hardly putting forth any effort at all. Strippers do what they do because they can. Now, what do I mean by that? As always, I shall explain. Not all women can be strippers. A club gal has to be sexy. She has to be thin and she has to be good looking. They don’t have to be goddesses or super models or starlets. They just have to have average good looks and a good-enough body. And, they have to at least appear to be young. Part of where their resentment comes in from is the fact that none of those things listed above last forever. Especially that young part. Now, it’s not your fault or mine that these chicks are going to get old. That’s life. But it’s part of what they hold against us. I’ll explain this, too. First off, resentment against men gets a lot of women into stripping. Here we have a good looking high school 34

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS chick. She gets hit on by every mook in the school, and maybe even from other schools. Hell, these days, maybe even by a teacher or two (and not all of them males). As she walks home all sorts of men stare at her. This can get to a gal. Now, I’m not saying men shouldn’t look at women. A pretty girl doesn’t want to be stared at, she just has to dress down, go easy on the make-up, curb the swivel in her walk, et cetera. There’s nothing more irritating than having some super hot chick in a mini skirt and a too little T-shirt start bitching about some guy staring at her. What’s he supposed to look at when you’ve got yourself dolled up like a million bucks, sending erotic electricity out through every pore? Too bad you got dressed up for someone else. You’re gonna walk the public streets and not put a raincoat over your bootie, then fucking get ready to meet the public. A woman has to have an ego just like a man. A truly sexy, confident woman laughs at the assholes who are out of her league and sends them on their way. Resentment comes in to the picture when a woman feels the only thing she has to offer is those good looks of hers. Because, as we said, time is going to take those looks away. A dame who is good looking, but who thinks no one is ever going to like 35

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS her or pay any attention to her, et cetera, if she ever lost her looks, is in big fucking trouble. They can’t help but get resentful. It doesn’t mean they have a right to feel that way, but too late—they do. You see this behavior all the time. Good looking high school and college bitches, those gals at work who are plenty attractive, but who don’t think that anyone can see past their looks to anything else, are always the pieces of ass who put everyone through the wringer. These are your cock teases, the dames who have to be constantly complemented, and constantly reassured, but who never give out with anything because to fuck a guy, or blow him, or even come across with a hand job or even some tit action is to lose the game in their minds. You know these gals. You can take them out, but touch them and you’re some kind of animal. They tease you into doing something, making some kind of move, then when you do, they act as shocked as the Mayor of Hiroshima when he asked his wife what that bright light was outside. And, of course, that’s when they demand some sort of gift or favor or some kind of stroking so you can get back into their good graces after your “terrible behavior.” Well, strippers are the queens supreme of this kind of 36

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS terror attack. They don’t need your money, they just want it. They want it because they hate all men. Men who stare at them. Men who drool over them and tell them they’re beautiful. Men who won’t give a fuck about them when their tits begin to sag and they aren’t worth paying twenty dollars a minute to rub their asses against our fully clothed crotches. Yeah, it’s our fucking fault. And, now that you know why they do it, turn the page and I’ll tell you how they do it.

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CHAPTER THREE

How Your Cash Becomes Their Cash

So, Gary, you ask, just how do they do it? How do these erotic dancers, these barely literate naked gutter trash beggars, how do these low-life women trick the smartest and richest men in our society—lawyers and doctors, CEOs and vice-presidents, congress men and governors and all the rest of their marks out of their cash? And, not just their pocket cash, but their investment portfolios, their children’s college funds, their retirement accounts— everything they have? I mean, you say (and by now probably a lot of you are saying it fairly loud), com’on, Brodsky—you have simply got to be pulling our collective chains here. These 39

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS women are mostly high school drop outs. For Christ sake, these whores are all stupid sluts—hell, they’re practically retards. They’re the absolute bottom of the barrel, the lowest rung on the food chain. And you’re making them sound like characters out of Mission: Impossible. Just who are you trying to kid? I don’t get mad when I hear talk like this. I really don’t. First off, you simply can’t take ignorance personally. Also, if these chicks hadn’t worked hard to set up their collective disguise, they wouldn’t be able to do what they do and get away with it so easily. But, they did and they do. Couple their smarts with just how stupid a guy can be when he stops thinking like Einstein and starts thinking like John the Wad, and it’s sometimes surprising they don’t try to take over the world like some kind of super villains. First off, let’s get this goddamned debate out of the way right here and now once and for all. Anyone who reads the papers or listens to the news these days will have to admit that they’ve come across more than a few stories where some miserable whore has cleaned out an honest, upstanding citizen. Sure, the skank-kateers loot their share of trailer trash victims, but only for practice. Remember, these are women with all the money they want. You have to 40

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS keep in mind that they don’t have to shake men down. They’re rich enough already. As I told you before, these women do this for a number of reasons. They do it because it’s fun for them. They do it for revenge. They do it because they are fucked in the head and just enjoy destroying the kind of lives they can never have. Don’t believe me? Think about this for a moment. Why does a high school bully need to go around beating up on nerds? Slow down and really think about this one for a moment, will you. Why does a buff, six foot three star athlete pick on and torment a five foot five, two hundred pound butter ball with thick glasses and a pocket protector filled with pens, magic markers and a couple Magic the Gathering cards? Because he wants to steal this guy’s girl? Because he can prove what a man he is by trashing such a pathetic sap? Of course not. The sad truth is that bullies pick on nerds mainly out of jealousy and hatred. In the back of his muscle-bound mind, the high school bully sees his best days slipping behind him forever when he leaves school. These helpless mooks know they’re going to end up hanging drywall for a 41

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS living, pumping gas, or asking folks if they want some fucking fries with that. They know that the nerd is going to end up with a sweet, comfortable job somewhere. They are not really angry with the nerd for studying and making something of themselves; they are mad at themselves for wasting their life and accomplishing nothing. Well, the same goes for strippers. These women think they’ve made a bright move. They take off their clothes, sit in guy’s laps, show off their tits, et cetera, and make millions. Millions. Who wouldn’t want such a job? Who would be stupid enough to pass such a life by? At first, these chicks think they’re the smartest women on the face of the planet. Riches pile up all around them and they don’t need a degree, they don’t have to think hard, make decisions, punch a clock or pay taxes. All they have to do is wiggle their ass. What a racket—right? Well, yes and no. What starts to dawn on these women in the back of their minds is that, oh yes, they might have all the money they’ll ever need, but they will never have what most other women have—respectability. They see men at their worst, acting like fools and dogs, throwing their money away and 42

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS their family’s money away. Their conscious mind sees men as the worst kind of dogs, because that’s the evidence in front of them. But, their subconscious mind knows better. In the back of their minds, they know there are men in this world who will never come into their clubs. Indeed, they know that the grand majority of all men will never set foot within a strip club more than a few times in their lives—as kids as an experiment, maybe for a bachelor party, dragged in by a wild and crazy friend, et cetera. These are the men who make strippers crazy. The men who wash their car every weekend, take their kids camping, help with the dishes, work their jobs steadily over the years, buy their wives flowers on Mother’s Day, mow the lawn on schedule every Sunday afternoon, and so on. Like the high school bully, what seemed like a good idea at first slowly becomes an anchor around their necks—one that pulls at them more heavily with every step. As time goes on, these women realize that they are doomed—that their life is never going to change—they will never have a home in a nice neighborhood where their neighbors like them. They will never have decent children, or a good man to love them. Strippers are much like two bit gangsters telling you 43

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS what’s so wonderful about lying to people and getting away with it. They laugh at middle class respectability, swearing they will spit on it any time they come across it, all the time craving it the way King Midas did gold or the way Bill Clinton does any vagina he isn’t married to (cigars included). It doesn’t take long for these “entertainers” to become full-fledged, dyed-in-the-wool man haters, who will break any man they can get their hooks into just to keep proving to themselves that it’s okay to be a stripper. Their reasoning is simplistic, but it works for what they want. Why not take some shlub’s money, they think. Why not? After all, all men are worthless slugs. All men are fucking pigs. Don’t believe me? Just watch—I’ll have this guy’s bank account before the end of the week. And another poor fool bites the dust just because he wanted to see some tits. Okay, you say, we believe you, Gary. Fuck, we believe you, man—every word of it. Yes—these women are evil predator vampires from hell. All right, case closed. You win. But com’on, Gary, you said you were going to tell us how they do this. Well—how do they do it? Good question. 44

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS I guess I should answer it. The main weapon these women have in their arsenal is your good nature. Men like to be nice guys. They like to protect women, not abuse them. Most men have only been exposed to nice women. For most of us, Mom was a sweetheart. I know this isn’t the way any of us like to think, but face it, Bosco, we have to. For a lot of years in the beginning, Mom is the only woman we know. Mom and our sisters. And, any guy who has a sister will back me up on this one, sisters don’t count. No, until we get to school and have teachers, Mom is the yardstick against which all other women must be measured. In school, we meet female teachers. We also have aunts and cousins to teach us what women are like. As we get older we start getting interested in girls. We meet them in school. We meet them at whatever religious services our parents drag us off to. Later on we meet them at college and at work. But, unless we work in a strip club or a massage parlor or something worse, for the most part what we meet is good girls. Decent girls. Oh, there might be a wild one in there somewhere, some slut headed for a life in a white plastic miniskirt, standing on 8th Avenue walking up to 45

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS cars when the light turns red to see if anyone wants a date, but for the most part, we meet decent, wholesome girls. And that is the flaw in our experience that strippers turn against us. Remember, these women don’t go after a guy telling them that they’re tough as nails and that they’re going to chew this boob up and spit him out. What sense would that make? No, what these women do is far more insidious. They live the lie every guy wants to believe. They pretend to be decent. We’ve all heard the old cliché about how every guy in prison is innocent. The way it always comes across, no one who ever got sent to do a few years in some man cage somewhere ever got sent there without being framed. Just ask anyone in prison. Well, strippers are the same way. Ask them and they’ll tell you their whole, sad story. Gosh, Bongo, hadn’t you heard? Why, all of them, they’re only there stripping for the noblest of reasons. Oh, daddy got sick and I have to support my mother and little brother. Oh, daddy ran off and I have to support my mother who’s an invalid. Oh, mama died and daddy lost his mind to grief when she did and I have to support him and my little sister and brother. Oh, mama and daddy died 46

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS in a car crash and I have to keep the family orphanage running ... blahblahblahblah ... There are two reasons for this. First off, men are suckers. We love to protect women. In this modern day and age, with no dragons left to slay, with the politically correct atmosphere poisoning relationships between men and women everywhere, there’s something extremely attractive about a beautiful girl who cries her eyes out on your shoulder, weak and vulnerable and not bitching about her rights, but begging you to keep her safe from the big, bad cruel ol’ world. Second, they know the kind of women we all want deep down inside. Now sure, most of us, we’ll still lose a few hundred to their games even if we know they’re thieving whores. Why not? It’s just a calculated gamble. It’s a toss of the dice, throwing money away so we hopefully can brag for the rest of our days that we fucked a whore for “free.” But, after a while, the game gets pretty sour pretty fast. When you know some chick has all the inner beauty of a fucking concentration camp director, the urge to shelter her from the world starts to not only dry up, but to smell pretty odious. But, when she’s all dewy-eyed and suffering ... oh, that’s 47

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS different, isn’t it? When she’s all sobs and sniffles, with a hard luck story and a soft cooing voice, when suddenly she’s shy and seeming all vulnerable, that’s when the sap in men’s brains starts to run faster it does in the trees of Vermont during maple syrup season. In other words, the way strippers get your cash out of you is the same way any fucking con artist thief gets your cash out of you. They lie. They pretend to be something you can trust, and then they suck you dry. Oh yes, I take off my clothes, but only because I don’t have any other way to feed my baby. Oh, I was working my way through dental technician school, but I met a guy who told me he loved me. I loaned him my tuition money and he stole it. My parents disowned me. I was on my own, I lost my apartment, I, I ... I didn’t know what else to do. I had to start stripping just to stay alive ... I had debts to pay off, and the people I owed the money to, they said I could work here to pay it off. But, they take almost everything I earn for interest, and it’s like I can never save anything or get ahead. If only I could get enough money together to just get away from this life ... There are a thousand different stories, and a thousand 48

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS different variations on each one. What the exact tale is doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are all bullshit. Once one of these sharks decides to drag you under, she will tell you anything. Catch her in a lie, and she’ll admit it, saying she was just trying to avoid telling you the truth, which will turn out to be an even bigger lie. The thing to remember is that they will tell you anything to get what they want. And, just to review what we’ve covered so far—what is it they want? Your cash—right. And, why do they want it? Because even though they have more cash than most of us will ever see, they hate decent society and themselves for having barred themselves from it. They ruin men and their families simply for the pleasure. And, how do they do it? They lie. They present themselves as soft, vulnerable, delicate creatures who need protecting (along with the love of a good man) to make everything better. They size their mark up within a handful of seconds, figure out what kind of woman he’s a sap for deep down inside, and they become that woman. And please, understand the truly vicious part of this 49

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS ploy. A stripper who has you pegged as her next victim, she doesn’t start acting like just any decent woman, they become your particular fantasy girl. The girl who broke your heart, the one you were always too shy to ask out, your best friend’s gal who you want to fuck so bad you can taste it, your tenth grade English teacher, the one who was hot, whatever, they become that ideal woman you always wanted—and here’s the important part—while taking their clothes off in front of you. So, do you finally get it, Oswald? Can you see the way the plan works, or do we have to call in a topographer to read the fucking map for you? They figure out the kind of woman you’ve always desired, the most unobtainable woman from your past, and then they transform themselves into her right in front of you, while showing you their tits, or grinding their ass into your lap, throwing their clothing at you, whatever. And, Ghandi, all your pea-sized brain knows at that point is that the girl you always wanted (or something close enough to make you feel just as good) is there in front of you acting the way you always wanted her to. Do you get it now? This is how they get their hooks into guys. They 50

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS present themselves as exactly the girl the poor son-of-abitch has been looking for all his life. Oh my sweet Jesus H. Christ, she’s just what I’ve always been looking for, and she’s fucking hot, too. I always wanted that girl next door who went off with that fucking jock, and now, here’s someone just as sweet and wonderful as she ever was, and she’s an ultra sexy stripper, too. Man oh man, how lucky can a guy get in one life time? Oh yeah, you’re lucky all right, you fucking knucklehead. You’re gonna be lucky if she leaves you with fucking bus fare to get home with.

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CHAPTER FOUR

A Note On Stripper Mentality

All right, all right, I hear you starting to complain, and you’re absolutely, one hundred percent right. I have to admit that it’s time to start turning the tables here a little bit. After all, the name of this book is How To Pick Up Strippers, not How to Be Afraid of Naked Ladies. And, so far—only in your best interests, of course—we’ve been spending what seems like a hell of a lot of time discussing just how mean and tough and formidable these fucking chicks are. So, with that thought firmly in your minds now (you do have the idea firmly lodged in a safe place in your hearts by this point that these are mean, tough, formidable chicks and not a bunch of Bo Peeps and Little Red Riding Hoods—correct?), maybe it finally is time for me to start 53

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS educating you fine fellows in how to con the con artists. What do you think? Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d think. Okay—well, the first thing we have to do then is begin to realize exactly what a strip club is. That is to say, what it is psychologically, and just how it affects us and our judgment. We also need to look at just what strippers are and how they affect our judgment in relationship to the clubs they prowl. And then, believe it or not, we need to take a close look at how a strip club affects the goddamned strippers’ judgment as well. Really? Is that important, Gary? Oh yeah, just wait until I clue you to how that works. All right, let’s get down to business here. First off, how do these strip clubs affect our basic judgment? Well, right off the bat, they’re dark and mysterious. The light of truth and God and all that crap is no where to be seen. We are on our own, in the dark. We can do what we want. The music is constantly drumming and always erotic. Another big change from our normal everyday lives. I mean, your job isn’t anything like this, is it? No, I didn’t think so. They’re also places where you can get all the fine things you want. You can still smoke in most strip clubs. The food 54

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS is usually the kind that all guys like. The bar is always exceedingly well stocked. And, there are scores of pretty, naked girls just dying to make you drinks, bring you food, hell, they’ll cut your meat and feed you and pour the drinks down your throat for you if that’s what you want. You might not think any of this is important, but you have to stop and think about this for a moment. Trust me on this next bit of advise, if you never trusted me on anything before—no matter what situation you are in, you had better always think about what you’re doing before you do it. And you had better believe that applies to going to strip clubs. Think for a moment. Really think. Exactly what is a strip club? What is it there for? Now, if you think the answer is, to give you pleasure, to make certain you have a place to go to have fun, or that the answer has anything about you and what you want, all I can say is, you are one big sucker just waiting for some bitch to come along and tongue your sugar down to nothing. A strip club is a place designed, built and operated to make money. Period. Plain and simple. Specifically, it was 55

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS designed, built and operated to separate you from your money. As much of it as possible. Any way possible. These places prey on guys. Do you get it? You walk into a strip club, and no matter who you are, what you look like, how you dress, what job you have, what kind of car you drive, how cool your haircut is, et cetera, no fucking matter what, once you’re inside the doors, if you have money, you’re the king. All right? Understand? You’re a fucking god. A god among men down from heaven to get his ashes hauled in any way he wants them hauled at whatever temperature he chooses. Endless good times—oh yeah. As long, of course, as we said, as you have money. You walk through the doors of a strip club, and all the women you see are beautiful. There are all types of gals in these places, blondes and redheads and brunettes, whites and blacks and Asians, chicks with big butts and small ones, perky boobs and pear shaped ones, long legs, hard asses, giant tits, long hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, short hair, spiked hair, bald chicks—all types. Okay? Every fucking type the club owners can get their hands on. As many as they can. Hell, more than a few of the clubs in Vegas, for 56

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS instance, have thousands of girls on call. Thousands. Can you actually wrap your mind around that concept? Okay, well I guess that you guys who live in Vegas can, but for the rest of the country, just think about that for a moment. A building standing there, with thousands of naked women in it waiting to please any slob that comes through the door. Fuck, that’s a lot of lap dancers lining up just to please little old Tom, Dick or Harry. And, line up they do. If you have the cash, welcome to the throne, your majesty. Let me polish your crown. And these goddamned bitches will do absolutely anything for you that you want. So, in you come, out of the world of light and reality and harshness, into the soothing, disguising dark, into a world of fantasy and ecstasy, where every woman is beautiful, and every one of them can’t wait to get her hands on your chest, on your manly shoulders, on your powerful, throbbing penis, the biggest they’ve ever felt, oh god, the power of it, oh god, the magnificence, oh, oh ... Yeah, until you’re down to your last nickel, that is. Then, well then, Franklin, they’ll take that last nickel, turn you upside down to see if anything else falls out, then spit 57

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS in your face and have you thrown on you ass out in the street, back where all that harsh light and reality was, while they move on to their next target’s big shoulders and throbbing, ever so wonderful money ... er, I mean penis. Now, don’t go getting harsh on me or start crying your eyes out. Yeah, big bad me, I’m ruining the wonderful joy of the strip club experience for you. Okay, sure—that’s true. But, it’s also true that one ruins the joy of looking into the pretty flames on the stove for a child by explaining the concepts of third degree burns to them. Sure, the fucking fire is pretty, son, but if you touch it you’re going to burn your damn hand off. Well, that’s the strip club for you. Forget yourself for a moment and it’s “bye bye” life savings. So, the truth of the matter is now plain for all to see, the strip club is not there to be your friend. The club is there to take your money—plain and simple—like any other business. This isn’t evil on their part. Far from it. They’re just providing a service. And, come on now, we’re just as glad they’re out there providing that service as we all that the phone company is working, the gas station, the bakery and all the other 24/7 joys of being a capitalist in modern America. 58

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS But, if we make more phone calls that we can afford, we’re in trouble. And, the phone company will sell us all the extras we ask for. If we go for call waiting, and high speed internet dial up service, and caller ID, et cetera, sure, they’ll tack it all onto our bill without a second thought. Just like the gas station will sell us enough gasoline to burn down our home and the bakery will sell us enough cakes and pies to allow us to eat ourselves to death. Strip clubs provide a service. Use them wisely, and they’re the greatest thing going. Be stupid, and they’ll be the death of you. Okay—we all understand this, now— right? We know what these clubs really are to us, and what they are to the girls. The strippers use these dens as places to grab onto victims. They prowl them like big jungle cats stalking game in their territory. The clubs are their webs, and trust me, they’re the spiders—not the flies. Okay, so that’s what the clubs are to us, I hear you murmur. But, com’on Gary, you said something about the strip clubs affecting the strippers’ judgment as well. Okay, give out with it, man. What was all that shit about? A man of my word, I’ll tell you. The good thing about the strip club, and the part of its make-up that actually works for you is that you only go in 59

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS there once in a while. For you, the unreality and fantasy of the place is a diversion from your real life. For the strippers, it is their way of life. Do you understand what I am telling you? Do you get the significance of this statement? The strippers are in there all the time. You walk in there and you see nothing but beautiful girls. You get suckered by the fantasy of it being a place where all the beautiful girls live. Well, what is it that they see? What is the fantasy doing to the strippers themselves? The thing we have to remember is that these girls only see the men who go to strip clubs. Guys who don’t know how to handle them. Guys who drool down their backs while they are giving them lap dances. Guys whose money is so easy for them to take they begin to believe that all men are drooling saps. Do you get it? These women are stars in their own little world. They are on stage. It might be a stripper’s stage where they get their applauds and cheers for taking off their clothing, but it goes deeper than that. After all, they can’t just stand there like some frightened kindergarten teacher and take off their clothes as if they were getting undressed for the 60

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS shower. There has to be some “oomph,” some “pizzazz.” They have to be able to bend and stretch and arch and make all the right moves. To the stripper, is isn’t the fact that she takes her clothes off that gets her the applauds, it’s how she does it. It’s the grace of her performance. It’s the artful way she undoes her straps, it’s the beauty of how she times her movements to the accompanying music. In their heads, in their itty-bitty whore minds, they are entertainers. Just as men kid themselves when they go into these places, so do the strippers they go to see. These women actually see themselves as celebrities—as stars. You’re dreaming of strippers fighting over you as you shell out your cash in one of these places. That’s okay, and you know why? Because the fucking strippers are dreaming of the day Steven Spielberg comes in and is so happy with his lap dance that he features the cheap bit of rump that did it in his next blockbuster. In other words, the strippers are dreaming just the same way you are. They have an ego just like you do. They may seem cool and collected, but they’re building a fantasy reality on a shore of loose sand in the face of an onrushing tide of tsunami proportions. And that, my brothers, is the 61

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS key to making your attack. You want to date strippers? You want them desperate to prove themselves to you so that you’ll be willing to spend some time with them? It’s all going to come down to a battle of wills. Let’s talk about how to win that battle.

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CHAPTER FIVE

Ego — Smashing Theirs/Protecting Yours

The battle of the sexes is really a contest of wills. Always has been, always will be. Just because you decide to have your battle with a stripper, that doesn’t change this one iota. All sexual contests come down to naked ego. And don’t think you don’t have one, or that they don’t have one, because you do and they do—we all do. Psychologist Erich Fromm said that “Man can be defined as the animal that can say ‘I,’ that can be aware of himself as a separate entity.” That’s all it takes to have an ego, and anyone that can’t think of themselves as an individual enough to use the pronoun “I” when describing themselves usually isn’t allow to walk around on their own or handle 63

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS sharp objects without supervision. You have an ego—okay? And that’s all right. It’s normal. It’s healthy. The thing is not to have the kind of ego Benjamin Disraeli had in mind when he said, “Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.” So, with that thought firmly in your minds now, let’s move on. Why do I bring this up? What does it have to do with anything? Hey, as always, I will explain. The first is to warn you off from making the big, big, and incredibly common mistake that so many guys make with strippers. Yes, I know, this chapter is supposed to be about teaching you how to attack. And it will. But, first, let’s get your armor in place before we start probing for weak spots in theirs. This common mistake is one that a lot of guys make with women of all types, not just strippers. It is the exaggerating of the truth about themselves. And com’on, don’t act like you don’t know what I mean. You’ve seen this behavior in your friends, and somewhere along the line you’ve done it yourself to try and impress this chick or that. It might have been at work, back in college, for a lot of guys it’s high school—whenever—it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that everyone does it sooner or later, 64

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS and it’s a fucking schmuck’s move. And you know what I mean by exaggerating the truth about yourself. It’s telling some stripper that you own a giant corporation, or that you’re the head of a crime syndicate, an European prince in exile, an Olympic gold medal winner, the owner of the Golden Gate Bridge, a fucking space alien ... whatever. What the details of the fucking lie you tell her are don’t matter. It’s the lie that’s going to get you into trouble. Of course, there’s some chattering monkey out there whose going to pipe in with the obvious. “Hey, Gary, what’s going on? Are you going soft on us? Aren’t you the original 4F guy (Find ’em, Feel ’em, Fuck ’em and Forget ’em)? What the shit are you doing worrying about some slutbag’s feelings? And all I can say is, if you think I’m worried about any chick’s feelings, go bitch slap yourself with a broken bottle, you cum-drinking uncle-fucker. Get with the program, Geronimo. The reason you don’t tell some skank that you’re the richest horse breeder on three continents, or the cousin of Saddam Hussein who got away with all the embezzled oil money, is then you’re going to be stuck in that lie. 65

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Will a stripper believe you when you tell her shit like this? Sure she will. At the least, she’s going to pretend awfully fucking hard that she believes you. Hell, they’ll not only do their best to make you think they believe you, before you know it, they’ll be helping you embellish your lies. You’ll be making them bigger and wilder than ever, and soon, they’ll have you believing your own publicity releases. And then, when that happens, at that moment your ass will really be theirs. Here’s how they get you. Once you’ve put your foot into your mouth—let’s go with the rich CEO story, let’s say you’ve told them some lame crap about having a yacht—any stripper worth her G-string will immediately start to shift you into a position where you’ll be forced to live up to the false image you’ve tried to build for yourself. Soon, she’s going to want a ride on this yacht. She’s going to want to go sailing with you. After all, you’re so big and important, and she thought you liked her, and maybe it was all just a put-on, maybe you didn’t like her at all, you just wanted to use her, make fun of her, tell stories about her to your rich friends, laugh at her ... you bastard, you monster, how could you be so cold, so cruel, so horrible ... 66

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS You sputter, you back-pedal, you panic. You don’t want to lose her. She’s so wonderful and she really believes your stupid lie and if you tell the truth she won’t like you anymore, so what can you do? There’s no way you can come up with a yacht, but maybe if you got her a nice diamond necklace and told her how much you wanted to take her sailing, but the damn yacht in the shop getting its barnacles scraped right now, and if she’s only please accept this tiny consolation prize which cost the real you two month’s salary just for the down payment but which would cost your CEO self about ten seconds worth of pay ... She’ll probably pretend to believe you just to get the bauble which she’ll throw on top of her heaping collection of jewelry she’s suckered out of liars, making a mental note of its cost so that the next time you get out of line she can remind you of what an awfully cheap present you got for her last time you upset her. Sure, it cost the real you a bundle, but fake you is then going to have to cough up a week in Bermuda at a five star hotel (first class airline tickets, of course), in their best suite to make up for how cheap that gift was. So you begin to see the pattern here? But, you say, what if I really am a CEO? What if I really 67

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS do have a yacht? My advice, and remember, my advice is worth a thousand times its weight in platinum, don’t tell her anything about it. Keep that fucking big trap of yours glued shut. Why? I’ll tell you why, Siegfried. So you have a yacht, so what? This stripper bimbo is still going to want to ride on it. Then she’ll want to borrow it so she and some of her friends can go sailing. Before you know it, your yacht is a floating brothel, and if the cops catch on, you’re the one who does the time. Or, she and her friends sell it and claim it was stolen, or they smash it up during a drunken orgy, or your CEO buddies take note of the goings on and start blacklisting you to the rest of the corporate world. The possibilities are endless. You never want to tell these women anything concrete about you. Why would you? What would be the point? The only reason any guy lies to a woman about himself is to build himself up so she’ll do what he wants. He wants a blow job so he pretends to be something he isn’t to get it. Well, what you have to remember here is, that’s a trick from the outside world. From your normal reality. It doesn’t work in a strip club. The only rule in a club is that 68

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS if you have money, you can have anything you want. If you don’t have money, then you can’t have anything. Period. Remember, it’s all a business. That’s all strip clubs are. As I said a minute ago, just like the phone company, gas station or the bakery. Tell the phone company you’re a CEO, or the guys at the gas station or your local baker. See what it gets you. The only thing that’s going to happen is that no one is going to cut you any slack in the future because they’ll all figure you’re rich. If you have money, they’ll give you phone service, gasoline or cupcakes, as much as you want. If you have none, then no amount of stories in the world are going to get you anything except grief. So, don’t tell strippers you’re rich, or anything about you unless you want to have it used against you. And believe me, it will. These gals will have you co-signing bank notes for them, buying them cars, subsidizing their condominiums, et cetera. But, okay, so now your ego is in check. You know to protect it. You’re now too smart to blow yourself out of proportion to any stripper, or even to admit to the truth about your financial statement no matter how big or small it is. What the fuck business is it of hers what size your bank account is? Would you share that information with a 69

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS cocktail waitress, a bank clerk or the receptionist at your doctor’s office? Probably not. Well then, if you wouldn’t go being that stupid around average, basically harmless women, you certainly wouldn’t want to start off by being that stupid with a woman poised to take out your jugular with one wrong move. Okay, so you’re not going to tell any strippers that you’re rich if you’re not, or even if you are. You’re not telling them anything. Let them guess. Let them build up a fascination over you on their own. You be the mysterious one. The interesting one. You’re going to protect your ego by not exposing it to destruction by ridicule. Now you’re thinking. Now you’re on your way. And, okay, you say, all well and good. But, this is what I’m not supposed to do. Could you please get around to telling me what I am supposed to do? Gladly. It’s time for me to teach you the magic word. When we were kids, our Moms taught us that the magic word was ... all together now ... please. That’s a good one, I must admit. Used correctly, it can open many doors, smooth over many problems, please and influence many where the leaving out of it would cause 70

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS resentment and hard feelings. Yes, “please” is a magic word. But it’s not the only one. Now it’s time to learn a new one. The magic word I want you to remember from here on in is “no.” What makes this such a magic word when it comes to strippers? Well, first off, it’s not a word they hear very often. They really don’t know how to react to it. After all, they’re beautiful, your a man, alone with them in the dark, how can you tell them “no?” At this point, even as their conscious mind throws insults or indignation or simple resentment at you, their subconscious mind begins the process of trying to figure out what makes you different from all the losers. Suddenly, you have just knocked most of her arsenal out of commission. You have become the U.S. Marines to her Republican Guard. Expecting you to be a push-over suddenly it’s her that’s running across the desert trying to formulate a new attack. And, she’s going to need one because you’ve just pulled yourself out of the standard sucker loop. Remember, strippers are like auto mechanics. Most people that drive in with a problem with their car don’t have the fucking slightest idea what’s wrong. The mechanic can tell them 71

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS anything he wants, charge them anything that he wants, and the boobs are helpless. They have to believe him. After all, what choice do they have? The mechanic wins. But, if the guy who drives in actually knows something about cars, his knowledge throws the mechanic off. Suddenly the question in the stripper’s mind becomes, okay, this guy fucking knows something about cars. But, just how much does he know about cars? Now, the mechanic, or the stripper, doesn’t quite know how to proceed. Now, suddenly, they’re forced to start steering toward the truth because, if they get caught in a lie, the game’s over and for once, they’re the loser instead of the poor man in the street. Saying “no” to a stripper puts you in a power position. They simply don’t know what to do. Here’s a guy who isn’t interested in giving me some story. He’s not claiming to own the largest cattle ranch in Rhode Island, or to be the latest internet stock millionaire, or to be the winner of the last Indianapolis 500. He’s just some guy. Or, the stripper thinks, is he? After all, he hasn’t said anything about himself. He’s playing his cards close to his vest. Christ, I’ll bet this guy is loaded. He’s trying to protect himself. Fuck, that’s it. He’s probably some CEO, or the 72

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS head of a crime syndicate. He’s too smart to let me get my hooks into him. Or, so he thinks. Well, I have his goddamned number now. This is the first step in throwing the average stripper’s game off the table. Tell no lies about yourself, indeed, tell nothing about yourself, and suddenly it’s you that becomes the mystery. To strippers, who meet a thousand liars a day and whose contempt for the average Joe is overwhelming, a guy who doesn’t act like most of the dribble-lipped Bennies who stumble through their doorway is a find. It’s a find they might grow bored with and throw away in the next few seconds, but for the moment, you’re running at the head of the pack, and you’ve got the attention of the stripper you want. More. You’ve got her respect. It’s begrudging, it’s unconscious, but you’ve got it. And, as you turn down her advances, you’re only going to rack up more points along the way. Remember, we’re saying “no” to everything here. No to lap dances, no to sticking money down their underwear or into their orifices, no to anything. Sure, you’ll buy yourself a drink. Man has to have nourishment. But pretend sex with someone he hardly 73

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS knows, don’t make me laugh. This is irresistible magnet time. Yes, it’s only that first step, and there are a lot more to go. But, hey, you’ve got to start somewhere, and this much is a thousand times closer to getting anywhere than most of the saps will ever get. Of course, since you were probably hoping to get a bit further than this, perhaps you should keep reading and find out how to get a few more paces up this stairwell.

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CHAPTER SIX

The Next Few Steps

All rightie now, you’re in the club and you’re creating quite a stir. You’re obviously not a homosexual, they can smell the man stink coming off you. They know you’re a carnivore and that pussy is your favorite meat. And yet ... and yet ... you’re not acting like the animals they know so well (and despise so greatly). You’re not telling tall tales about yourself. In fact, you’re not talking about yourself at all. You politely say “no” to lap dances and other offers. You buy drinks for yourself when you want them, but when a stripper asks you to buy her a drink you chuckle politely and smile thinly as you shake your head “no.” If she asks why not, you tell her something on the order of; “Oh, I would, but that would be objectifying you, and I 75

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS have too much respect for you than that.” Yeah, it’s a bullshit line, but it’s one that will keep the respect going. Let me explain. You could say something like, “Oh, I would, but then I’d just be another one of your regulars, and I didn’t really come here to be turned into anyone’s personal ATM.” Now, you say, what’s wrong with that? It’s the truth, it’s flashy, it’s even pretty hardboiled. That should flow with what you’ve been saying all along, shouldn’t it? No. Not really. You see, that line is indeed the truth. Rock hard truth. And, where did I say that strippers wanted to hear the truth? Are you crazy? Telling them the truth will keep them from dragging you down, but it’ll keep you from getting anywhere else, either. That line says, I’m on to you. You’re a thief that isn’t getting a dime out of me. You go with that approach, and you know what, they’ll believe you. And they’ll just move onto the next guy and leave your ass to die of loneliness. After all, it’s not like the chicks in these places are having to fight each other for the two or three guys who come in a day. Men are throwing their money away by the millions in these places every day, without any encouragement from anyone. You come in 76

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS and give the girls hard core truth, and they’ll run for the hills as if they were vampires and you were the local garlicflavored holy water salesman. But, that objectifying line, well, that’s different. Let’s look at that for a moment. Okay, we agree that the stripper you feed this line to isn’t going to buy it. But, what is she going to make of it? Well, first off, she’s going to think you know the score. You might actually have been around the block once or twice. And, if you haven’t been around, you’ve probably at least been nearby. You’ve also planted the seed that you respect her. Now, don’t get me wrong. You didn’t do this by telling her that you respected her. That never works. But, by refusing a lap dance, by not buying her a drink (remember, it’s their job to get you to buy them drinks. You get charged triple the normal price of whiskey so they can drink a diet ginger ale), you’ve said—look, I’m obviously interested in you, but not in that way. You are a person after all. Whether she buys it hook, line and sinker, or only sees you as someone skilled enough to play the con along with her, she has to respect you. Think of the stripper as a world class tennis player. 77

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS When you got onto the court with her, she thought she was going to volley and just knock you out of there. But instead, you knocked the ball right back into her court. Now, that might have been luck, or it might have been skill. Either way, she’s never going to find out if she doesn’t continue to play the game with you. And, as we all know, skilled players only escalate a game with someone they respect enough to treat like an equal. And, our stripper has to do that. If she doesn’t treat you like an equal, even if it’s just to get the chance to expose you as a phony, she’s never going to know for sure. So, at this early stage of the game, if you’re playing all your cards right, you should be impressively ahead of the game. You’ve got your stripper’s attention. You’ve developed an air of mystery. Moreover, she thinks you’re not just some empty-headed braggart. She knows you know something about the real world (sure, we’re only talking about her world here, but everyone considers their little slice of the world as the “real” world). She also has an idea that you can’t be conned as easily as ninety-nine percent of the marks in the world. And, she thinks you respect her on some level. By getting yourself to this position, you force her to 78

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS change all of her normal tactics. Strippers have a general attack mode they use on every guy that comes through the door. When someone comes in who doesn’t go down under their first blitz, he forces them to see him as an actual human being. He must be at least a cut above the usual scum. He doesn’t act anything like them. Suddenly, you’ve established yourself as someone that has to be treated differently. If she wants to learn something about you, she’s going to have to take a different tact. And, you’ve made yourself interesting enough to be worth investigating. Remember, strippers are human beings. Even the ones that are lesbians want friends. And, deep down inside, strippers know that most of the world sees them in the same light as prostitutes. They are one of society’s outcast sects, like child molesters and drug addicts. Respectable people consider them as just so much scum. So, when a guy comes along who doesn’t treat them like an object, who doesn’t look down on them, who shows them respect ... Well, just like a cat that’s spotted a new ball of yarn, they simply have to know what’s going on in the center of that tightly wrapped sphere. At this point, you can begin to 79

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS engage your target in casual conversation. Now, just a quick word before we go any further. To any of you who are thinking that I’m telling you to be a cheapskate here, yes, I am. You must not spend a red cent on any of the girls in the clubs you go to. Not one Lincoln copper, okay? Men, what you all have to understand here is that, again, this is not the real world. In the real world, the world outside the strip clubs, yes, these actions would be those of a skinflint, no questions asked. But, we’re not talking about functioning in the real world, are we? In a strip club, someone who doesn’t fall for the sucker nonsense is not considered a cheapskate. He is thought of as someone who isn’t stupid enough to fall for the bullshit. It’s just like in casinos. Anyone who plays the slots is automatically listed as a chump by the workers in the casinos. They know that the lowest odds are on the one armed bandits and that only the luckiest of the lucky make any money plugging nickels into these thief boxes. Of course, you can buy yourself a drink, buy your friends a drink, even tip the bar maid or waitress. But, you don’t over-tip. By acting as someone who knows the score, you will automatically be entered into the open society of 80

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS the strip club. At this point, you will be thought of more as an equal than a sucker, and that, oh yes, that, my brethren, is when things finally can get started.

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CHAPTERSEVEN

Turning The Tables

So, at this point you’ve planted yourself in your friendly neighborhood strip club and you’re being though of as much more than a mark. You’re practically one of the gang. This is a good thing, but your initiation into the group is not over yet. Not by a long shot. Once again, let’s use your beloved high school days as an analogy (hell, you know that doing this works for absolutely every other part of our lives—right? Might as well go with a proven winner). Just like in high school, when you want to get into a clic—the jocks or the intellectuals or the dopers or the geeks, whatever—no matter how exalted or lowly the particular clic you were determined to crack open might be, you still had to prove yourself somehow. 83

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Back in high school, the reason for all of this was simple. Most groups human beings form are small ones— compact—clusters that only contain four or five members. Why? It’s because that’s really all any group needs. Think about it—every group has to have a leader, someone with good ideas, who can keep everyone focused, et cetera. Then, there’s the intellectual, the deepest thinker of the group. Then there’s the fat guy, and the wise ass, and the good-looking one, the strong man, and so forth. Of course, often two or more of these traits are found in a solitary group member. For instance, the leader of a group can easily turn out to be the strongest member, or the intellectual. The fat guy is often the wise ass, but he might also be the most powerful. Group dynamics operate like this for a simple reason. Even in a group of strong guys, the jock clic, say, somebody has to serve as the leader. Maybe the one who ends up in charge isn’t actually the strongest guy there, but he has some quality that makes him the natural leader (you know, Little John was stronger than Robin Hood, the Thing is stronger than Reed Richards, still ...). After that, the strongest guy becomes that group of strong guys’ outstanding strong guy, and the other strong guys have to 84

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS come up with some quality that defines him. One becomes the wise ass, one the intellectual, et cetera, et cetera. And, you ask, just what does all of this have to do with us? How does any of this get us any closer to what we’re looking for? Easy there, Henry. The answer is simplicity itself. If you see yourself becoming a part of the strip club group, you have to ask yourself—just what role am I functioning in here? This is no simple question. The answer is, you become the confessor. Let me explain. You have now established yourself as a guy who’s way too cool to be sucked in and bled dry by the typical strip club mentality. Everything about you screams that such is not for you—no way. All the chicks working at your target club now know you’re far too sharp to be buying them drinks, but that you’re not just some cheapskate. You’re there because you like to be there, but you’re no sucker. You’re like them. Think about this for a moment. Remember, these girls don’t consider themselves suckers by any means. They think of themselves as damn sharp operators. And yet, they’re in the club, aren’t they? What’s the reason? Same as yours, of course, they like being there. So, the question 85

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS then becomes, what to do with you? Don’t forget, Methuselah, these strippers you’re so hot for are not anyone’s fools. They aren’t particularly wasteful, either. They do like to manipulate men, however. They like to use them. So, if they can’t use you for cash and for proving that all men are pieces of shit, then what good are you? The answer is simple. As I said before, once you get this far, it is just a hop, skip and a jump from taking over the coveted role of club confessor. Remember, now you’re not just some miserable slubb in the eyes of these girls. No way. That’s for the other mokes. You—you’ve proved yourself to be a real, worthwhile, genuine human being. Just like they are. This is, of course, great, because once you’ve established yourself as someone who isn’t a target, you become someone to whom these women can talk. And, believe me, that is just what most of these poor pieces of trash have been waiting for. What do I mean? I shall explain. These women, all of them, come from screwed-up backgrounds. All of them are the products of the worst kinds of homes. Most of us have something to complain about when it comes to our parents. But, bad as some of us have/had it, strippers have it the worst. By far. 86

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS They are, the grand majority of them, from severely broken homes. More often foster homes. The majority of them have fathers and step fathers who abused them on a regular basis. Physically and sexually. Often they had mothers who poisoned their minds psychologically. They are often high school drop outs, and they are often mothers. If there is a depressing theme on Jerry Springer or Rickie Lake that involves sickness and depravity in the American family these days, these girls are part and parcel to it. The bitter, hard shell which these women project so completely is almost all illusion. It might seem as solid as a steel girder, but in reality it is a puny thing—hollow and thin, brittle, a painted on facade. Oh, their toughest is real, all right, but the fueling of it comes at a high cost in adrenaline and frayed nerves. Confident people present a shatterproof aura to the world as well, but the aura of the truly confident person is genuine. In control of their emotions, knowing who they are and generally liking themselves as people, those with actual confidence in themselves and their futures, as opposed to mere bravado, don’t have time to worry about what others think. Their “righteousness,” as it were, is well justified. They don’t need to put someone else down to feel 87

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS good about themselves. Nor do they need to work themselves up into a lather to feel good about themselves. They always feel good about themselves. That’s what confidence is all about. Strippers, however, are one of the most insecure group of human beings on the face of the planet. They know the truth about their lives deep down, so their surface lives are always a constant battle to ignore that truth. As we said before, they get their great pleasure destroying men, not for the money (which they will surely take), but for the “proof ” the fall of each man gives them that they’re right to be who they are, that they are no worse than anyone else, that they are practically doing God’s work by testing men’s wills. We all lie to ourselves about something. Most people have some little thing they ignore or make some sort of an excuse for and then they get on with their lives. The lies strippers have to tell to be able to face their lives can be enormous. The insecurity battering away at the walls of their egos is working for you. And you’ve got to cultivate it and work with it as carefully as you can. After the rushing, but temporary elation of scoring some tremendous sum for just showing off her breasts, or 88

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS the receiving of the cash-in value of some ten year olds’ savings bonds, these women will always then swing in the other direction. Rushes are followed by crashes, and that’s just the way it is. And during those crashes, that’s when they begin to question what they’ve just done. Showing off one’s breasts—big deal. That will only last so long. What to do when the breasts sag? And the overoiled skin begins to lose its luster? And the wrinkles around the knuckles and along the neck begin to gather? When the lines start to pinch the eyes, and the veins start to blue upward along their legs? What then? And, as far as what’s wrong about telling some bald, doughbellied weakchin that he’s the most wonderful Adonis in the world, then kissing his cheek because he just cashed in his kid’s future because you told him your sick mother needed cancer treatments—I think even the stupidest stripper can figure that one out on her own. These women desperately need people to talk to. Or, more specifically, and this is important now, to listen to them. Do you get it? These women want sounding boards. They want justification for their lives. They want to feel good about themselves. They want someone to make them feel good. 89

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Do you get it? Is any of this sinking in? Put down the fucking Game Boy and pay attention. Yes, this is how you do it. The only men these women are ever going to fuck are men they trust. Remember—to them, we are one disgusting sex. They have seen men do the stupidest, most shameful things, just to get a peak at their nipples. These women know above all others that sex is just sex. It’s something animals do to keep their species going. These battered, mistreated women—how much do you think these bitches want to keep the species going? Most of them already have kids. Kids they got by fucking someone they weren’t married to. Or by fucking someone they were married to, but who left them, or who was so bad they ran away from him. At one time, except for those who were raped (and in this day and age, not that many victims of rape let their children live), they loved and trusted some guy, and look what it got them. A fatherless child and an empty life. Why would they want to fuck you? Do you begin to understand some of their contempt for men, yet? You’d better ... because you’re not going to score until you do. Here’s the deal: No stripper is ever going to fuck some jerk off the 90

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS street. The guy can spend a million dollars on lap dances, et cetera, and it’s not going to get him anywhere. Why? Shit—why should the strippers fuck this guy when he keeps spending his money? Duh! Let’s not forget now, a lot of strippers are lesbians. Don’t think that lesbians don’t fit the stripper profile. After all, I would think by now you’ve gotten it through your heads that these women aren’t taking their clothes off because they want to make you feel good. You know these gals hate the type of men they meet in clubs. More than mere hate—they mostly despise them. Well, here’s a news flash: a lot of lesbians hate men too. Those who haven’t given up on the whole man/woman thing, though, believe it or not, they are interested. In the back of their minds, they’re still willing to look for male companionship. Human beings are social creatures. Most of us don’t really enjoy being alone for too long. Certainly most of us don’t enjoy being by ourselves and on our own with no one to share anything with. Strippers are people, too, believe it or not, and like the rest of us, they really do want someone who’s is going to make everything that’s happened to them so far in the world of love seem worth it. Why shouldn’t they? That’s 91

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS what everyone else who’s been burned by romance does. So, guess what, spud boy, that’s the guy you have to turn yourself into. Yes—you! You have to start seeing things from their point of view. Your answers to their statements and their questions have to reflect an understanding of the world as they see it, not as you see it. This doesn’t mean that you have to start throwing pity parties for them left and right, though. Just because you want to get into their pants doesn’t mean you have to start thinking with your dick. In fact, that will get you shot down quicker than anything. These chicks are going to start talking to you the same way they would other employees around the club. The same way you would talk to the women where you work. You wouldn’t walk up to the water cooler and start dropping hints about how your penis could really use a fresh coating of lipstick, would you? Fuck right, you wouldn’t. Well, what won’t work on the uptight bitches in your office (or wherever you go to scrounge up a paycheck), you can bank on the fact it won’t work in a strip club, either. No, you’ve got to simply talk to them naturally, goodnaturedly. Of course, again, this means keeping the subject 92

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS off yourself. The stripper will naturally gravitate toward getting you to talk about yourself. It’s their standard operating procedure, and old habits are hard to break. But, no, you want to keep turning those personal questions back on her. Your job is to make your target gal as comfortable talking about herself with you as possible. How long have you been doing this kind of work? You seem like the kind of person who must have an interesting background? Where are you from, originally? Do you have brothers or sisters? What kind of school did you go to? Are you still in touch with your old friends from school? What kind of movies do you like? Blahblahblahblah ... What you want to do is get into their pasts, get into their heads, find out about their likes and their dislikes, et cetera. What you don’t want to do under any circumstances is to start telling them how sexy they are. This is just the kind of slip-up they’re going to be waiting for you to make. It’s what they expect from us. Remember, these girls fucking know how sexy they are—okay? It’s part of their goddamned job description, all right? Every nose-picking, ass-scratching baboon that waddles through the door tells them this constantly all day 93

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS long. It’s an approach that’s not only worthless, it’s fucking pathetically stupid. Think, gentlemen. Do you think one of these sluts is going to be flattered by a compliment about her body? A verbal comment? People pay to see their bodies all day long. They know the lawyers and accountants and the such that they tease all day head for the bathroom as soon as they get back to their offices so they can get into a stall and whack-off. They know you think they’re good looking. That’s why they hate you in the first place, because they hate their good looks. Or, more specifically, they hate the fact that no one can see past their good looks to the inner beauty they are certain they all have in spades. Well, you’re the one who’s going to be different. You’re the one who’s going to notice all the wonderful things about them. And brother, if you can get yourself into that kind of a set-up, you’re the one who’s going to get fucked like few men have been fucked before.

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CHAPTER EIGHT

Getting To First Base

All right now, students, let’s review for a moment. You now know all about strippers—right? You know never to take a table dance or a lap dance, to not buy drinks or dinners for the strippers. You know that to not play their game will elevate you in the eyes of these women. It will make you human to them. It will give you an edge over practically every other guy who walks through the door. Once these strippers start talking to you, really talking to you, you know that they have started taking you seriously as a person. And, you know that that’s when you have to really start talking to them. And, more importantly, paying attention to them and what they have to say. Really listening to what they tell you and making the appropriate comments that they want to hear is what’s going to really 95

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS move you ahead in your quest to become Stripper Shagger Supreme. Because, what you are doing, once you become a human being to them, is making certain that they know that they are human beings as far as you’re concerned, as well. This means no talking about the things you own, or how important you are, or any other nonsense you might start to spew just to try and impress them. This is when you start being the male they’ve never encountered before. Your concern for them as a genuine human being has to be obvious. The questions you ask your target twats should show interest in them as living, breathing people. Considerate little queries like: This place is really noisy, isn’t it? Don’t you think so? It gives me a headache sometimes. God—it must be really hard on you. Does dancing all the time ever give you a charlie horse? I mean, does it get tough on you—on your legs and back? Is it hard to keep up such a pace? Sometimes this place seems a little depressing to me. What do you think? And, of course, there are thousands of things outside of them and their feelings you can talk about as well. This or 96

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS that funny regular at the club. Whether they have hobbies or not. Have they ever been outside of the country? What kind of food do they like? Do they have any pets? What kind of music they enjoy? Et cetera. Of course, perhaps we should stop for a moment for an important note. Let’s say for a moment that you’re holding this book and you’re just getting more and more fucking pissed because as you’ve been reading you’ve discovered all the mistakes you’ve been making. You’ve been down at your local club spending money like it was water on all the girls, falling for their fucking lies, and now you’re thinking that it must be too late—you’re stuck. You’ve blown it. They’ve got you pegged as a loser and a mark and you’ll never, ever, have a chance at nailing any of them. Right? No—not at all. All you have to do is change your ways. Just stop the money flow dead in its tracks. When all the girls you’ve been paying and over-tipping cluster around, asking, “hey, where’s my tip?” “Don’t you want one of my special dances?” and so forth, just laugh them off. Don’t bellow like a donkey, just chuckle. Now sure, a lot of these bitches can get plenty fucking 97

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS nasty, but so what. Just take it all good naturedly. Sticks and stones, and all that crap. I’m serious here. What kind of loser gets into a shouting match with a stripper? You have to project that you are the one in charge. What they think and say and do doesn’t matter in the least to you. You have to stay cool, stay jovial and simply not spend another dime on any of them. Believe it or not, it really won’t be very long before you’ll go from a loser or a mark to a complete and respectable figure in their eyes. And, while we’re off the subject for a moment, let me just add here that I know all of this sounds like it must take forever, but hey, you were going to the clubs, anyway, and you weren’t getting anywhere. At least this way you’re not spending your retirement fund four decades before you need it. And, there are lots of naked chicks to check out while you slowly nurse that single drink you buy when you walk in. And, I do mean a single drink. You’re not there to get drunk. You’re not there to get sloppy. You’re there on a mission. You are the advance scout of your team, and you need to keep your fucking wits about you, okay? Anyway, you’ve stopped spending, you’ve stopped staring. You’ve got them talking to you and thinking of you 98

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS as a human being. So, what comes next? Next—well, hell—it’s about time you asked them out of a date, isn’t it? Now, there are two ways you can do this. The first is the traditional way. You simply ask. Of course, it pays to do it with a bit of a twist. “Hey, you look hungry and I’ve got the urge to feed someone. Let’s you and me go put the ol’ feedbag on.” “You know, you look like you could use a good meal. Why don’t I take you to a place I know where we can get a bite, where it isn’t so noisy?” For the more daring, I recommend the patented Brodsky method of getting a date. Don’t beg, demand. Tell that bitch she’s going out and just get on with it. “I’m taking you to dinner. Let’s pack it up and get moving.” Granted, this way takes way more confidence, but then, hey—you’re the one who wants to start dating strippers. I figure you must have a few extra gallons of confidence laying around somewhere. The thing you have to remember is that you’re not just trying to get a date here. You are actively working to pry this bitch out of her environment and get her into yours. 99

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Here’s what I mean. Often times, when a guy first asks a stripper out on a date, she’ll accept, but only in a table-turning way. What she’ll do is to agree to a date, but she’ll pick the place. She’ll gush about a wonderful after-hours place she just loves, and wouldn’t it be fun if we went there? No, it wouldn’t. After hours clubs are just more of the same. You’re not moving forward, you’re staying bogged down in her world. The places are just as dark, just as noisy, just as liquorsoaked and disreputable. Jumping at the chance to accompany her to one of these places is just like hanging the big LOSER sign around your neck and kicking yourself in the ass. No, Melvin, you’ve got to be smarter than that. Yes, following her along to an after hours club could possibly get you a consolation prize blow job under the table, but that would be all you would ever get—not just from that girl, but from every stripper in your tri-state area. Word will be out on you in a minute. Remember, giving you a blow job is nothing to these bitches. Hell, it’s nothing to most women. They just make a big deal out of it because if you were ever to wake up and 100

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS realize how fucking useless their nonsense games were, well, they’d be out of business, wouldn’t they? Tagging along with one of them to some club and accepting some small sexual contact would only prove to them you were exactly the kind of loser they “know” all men are. So, what do you do? You do something different. You take them to dinner. You take them to a nice place. A well lit place. A place where none of your friends are waiting to leer and make comments. In other words, you treat her with respect while (and here is the important part) treating yourself with respect as well. You see, you want to get them out of the club for a number of reasons. First off, there is safety in numbers. Getting a stripper out of the club and away from all her girl friends is like getting any woman alone and away from her protective circle—you’ve got a much better chance of having something happen the way you want it to if she isn’t in her element. And, that’s what we’re really talking about here. When you follow a stripper out of her club and off to another one, you’re unconsciously signaling to her that you prefer her lifestyle to your own. These women don’t want this kind of life. After all, who wants to spend twenty-four 101

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS hours a day at their job? Trust me, all those kids’ movies about Santa Claus, where they show the fat fucker living in some candy cane coated igloo piled to the rafters with toys, they are as wrong as can be. I mean, why would Santa choose to live in his factory? When Santa isn’t setting world speed records in his sleigh, he’s chilling in his black light sound room, listening to Black Sabbath while knocking back some Jack Daniels Green Label. Okay, maybe that was a little odd, but you get the idea. These girls don’t really want to spend all night in the same kind of environment they just spent all day. They want to do and see and experience something new. Something different. They want a better world than the blaring, mostly depressing world of the club circuit. If you jump at the chance to go with her to a club, you’re just showing that you think her lifestyle is better than your own. Well, if that’s the case, what is there you can teach her? Why should you get to go out with her? What do you have to offer? No, you’ve got to take her to some place elegant. Not so fancy that she’s embarrassed and completely out of place. That wouldn’t be too bright, would it? Just a nice, quiet 102

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS place where the two of you can have a nice, quiet talk. One of those elbows of the table kind of places where you can both be yourselves and begin to find out more about each other as human beings. This is the dinner you can pay for. One served in your world. Do you see what this says? I won’t buy the food at your club. I prefer eating in a better atmosphere. Quieter, more friendly, more, what would the word be ... normal. In other words, my world is the normal one. My world is the good one. Welcome to my world. You see where this is going? Yeah, you look like bright guys. I knew you were going to catch on.

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CHAPTER NINE

An Important Note

After reading as much as you have now, this next note may seem obvious. Some of you sharper eggs may have figured this one out for yourself by now. But, for those that haven’t, this is a serious warning about one of the most dangerous pitfalls of every jiggle joint. So, let’s all just take a moment to make certain everyone is safe. Now, every one of you guys who have been to a strip club, I’m going to assume that you must all know what the champagne room is—correct? Of course, it’s true that names can vary from place to place. America is a big place. In other parts of the country, some of you may have heard of this section of a strip club as the VIP Room, or the Executive Suite, the Big Back Room, et cetera. Fine—whatever. The name doesn’t matter, 104

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS because these “special” rooms always turn out to be the exact same fucking thing. For those of you who aren’t in the know here, let me clue you in. What we’re talking about is a fairly standard con found in each and every strip club in the world. All of these places has an area somewhere in the back (actually, they usually have two or three or God only knows how many) which has been given some important sounding name where only the “elite” customers are supposed to be taken. And, trust me here, “Elite” in this instance is simply code for “the goddamn biggest suckers in the place,” and those who follow some fucking stripper back there pretty much get what they deserve. Which is mainly a lot of empty promises and very little else. These rooms are simply the carrots dangled out in front of men to turn them into drooling idiots. How? I shall explain. Hints are made by the strippers, hints which can be easily misinterpreted, that sound as if sex awaits anyone lucky enough to be allowed back in the champagne room. It sounds awfully good, but that good feeling is all in the mark’s head. Getting laid back in a strip club’s VIP room is about as likely to happen as the Atlantic Ocean freezing over or the Democrats campaigning for smaller government. 105

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Let me spell it out for you. There is no sex in the champagne room. None. Not for anyone. Period. Never going to happen. Any guy who lets himself be taken to the back area of any strip club will simply be encouraged to spend all his money. Then, when he’s tapped out, he’s thrown out. This is a standard strip club hustle and will be used on anyone whom the girls begin to suspect has deep pockets. These “private” rooms are used expertly by these con artists to siphon cash out of men who simply have too much of it. Strip clubs, like Burger King or Boston Market, depend on high volume and high audience turn over. Get the money, get the rube out of the chair, get the next sucker into it. I’ve given you all the right moves so far, don’t get suckered into this classic wrong one, or you’ll undo all the positive work you’ve done so far. And what good would that do?

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CHAPTER TEN

Breaking Down Their Resistance

All right, no more beating around the bush. By now you should not have to be told ever again that the supposed invincible power of strippers over men is as big an illusion as the Wizard of Oz’s audience chamber. Pay no attention to that whore behind the curtain. Once you’ve selected the piece of ass you’re going to move in on, you’ve got to start playing the game in deadly earnest. Remember, this bitch would lead you to a sliding board made out of razor blades and push you onto it dickfirst if you gave her the slightest opportunity. Since you’ve probably got better things to do with her and your dick, let’s get our game strategy worked out, shall we? What you have to do with your little Alice is to treat 107

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS her as if she was the loneliest girl at school. The awkward chick with the thick glasses who wears the ill-fitting clothes. The one you talked to because, well, she was easy to talk to because you weren’t intimidated by her great looks or fabulous body or the fact that all the blood drained from your head every time you saw her (and we know where it was going, don’t we, gang?). What you have to do now is forget that she’s beautiful. You have to forget that she’s naked. You have to ignore her amazing curves and perky nipples, red full lips, dazzling eyes, batting away, urging you on, calling to you, begging you to notice her. You can’t. You absolutely must not. This would be your biggest mistake ever. You have to remember that these women live in their own little worlds. Inside the strip club (and especially within their own minds) they are the ultimate objects of worship and desirability. They are the sex symbols; they are the celebrities. You can admit to that, of course. You can agree to it all if asked, but you can not be influenced by it. You must let that all wash over you and remain untouched by any of it. In other words, what you have to do at this point is to ignore her stripper persona entirely. This will make any stripper bug-fuck crazy. 108

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS How? Glad you asked. Again, these women are the ultimate big fish within a small pond. On the streets, they’re just cute girls. Inside, they’re goddess of desire. When you ignore their charms and come ons, you are effectively saying that there is something wrong with them. They aren’t good enough for you. Well, they might be good enough for you, but not just because they have nice hair or long legs. Looks might be enough for the normal dumptrucks that back their wide loads onto the stools around the bar in their clubs, but they aren’t enough for you. You’re not one of the regular assholes. You’re someone with taste and manners. You’re better than the run of the mill guy. In fact, you’re better than all men. Do you get what’s going on here? These are insecure, neurotic, emotionally unstable women. You’ve seen this scenario in a thousand movies. The bitch queen who’s used to getting her way with every man in sight suddenly comes up against the guy who doesn’t fall in line for all her normal tricks. Remember “Gone With the Wind?” Or how about dropping back, oh say, 400 years to Shakespeare’s “The Taming of the Shrew?” It’s always the same story. Veronica is never interested in Archie until he gets tired 109

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS of her tricks and bullshit and goes after Betty. Then, suddenly he’s the most desirable man in the world. Well, that’s your game here. You’ve got to knock her normal game plan into a cocked hat. And that is going to take every bit of reserve and cool you have. Remember, these are sharp operators. When you come in and don’t spend any money, you’re going to run into a lot of hostility. These bitches will think of you as a jerk and in a lot of cases they may dish you up a healthy serving of grief. You’ve got to hang tough and ignore it. Again I tell you, when this happens you can’t get mad. You have to just laugh it all off. Treat the strippers who treat you with contempt as if they were the bratty children of your best friend. Shake your head and chuckle softly and act as if you were their uncle and they were four years old. You’re not going to scream or yell or bicker with them. You’re not going to get into an argument with a four year old. As far as you’re concerned, you came over to visit with her parents and you don’t mind putting up with her, but it would be nice if she could behave herself. This will rattle any stripper. You have simply got to put on your game face and go in there, presenting yourself as a real guy, out to have real fun, in total control of himself 110

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS and his destiny. Their game is to get men to give them anything and everything they have. Your game is to upset their playing board and turn the tables on them. Now, let me say something here that those of you who know me are going to remember. This is going to take confidence on your part. Honest, raw, actual, 100% All American grade A confidence. Accept no substitutes. You have to be able to do all the things I’m telling you without flinching, without stuttering, without getting a hard on every time you look at one of these women. You can’t be staring at their breasts while you’re talking to them and grow red in the face and expect them to take you seriously. These are sharks, okay? They fucking know the smell of blood when it’s in the water. You are going to have to know who you are and what you’re about when you walk in with this game in mind. You’re going to have to be cool, collected, and ready for battle. In other words, you’re going to have to be confident in your ability to pull this off. If you’re not, they don’t try it. What would be the point? Does a fireman rush into a burning building if he doesn’t think he can make it? Does a cop keep chasing a run away thief who’s twenty years younger and forty 111

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS pounds lighter? Does a welterweight get into the ring with a heavyweight? They might, but they’d be stupid if they did. Like Dirty Harry told the world, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” If you can’t do this right now, then practice. That’s what firemen and cops and boxers do. They practice, they get in shape, they get things right. That’s what you’re going to have to do. Work in front of the mirror if you have to. Go to a club where the girls aren’t your type. Work on them until you get your game down cold. If there’s only one club in town, then go to the next town over, or just work it all out in your head before you go in. But, think long and hard about what you’re going to do before you start. Here’s why. You’re only going to get a very few chances to get this right. Two or three—tops. If you live where there are lots of clubs, like say Vegas or Orlando, LA or NYC, et cetera, you can move around a bit. But, a lot of places only have a very limited number of clubs, and you’re going to have to get things right from the very beginning. Not that that’s going to be all that hard. All you have to remember is: you are in charge. You. 112

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS And only you. You have to kick your confidence into high gear and keep it there. When you walk into a strip club, you’re there to have a good time. Have a few drinks, look at some girls, have some laughs, and that’s it. You are not a mark or a target or a sucker. You are a man. A real man. Not a jerk or a dweeb or a mook. You are not falling for any of their shit, you are not taking any of their shit, you are not bothered by any of their shit. If you think the sight of these women is going to fluster you and throw you off your game, then watch six hours worth of the steamiest, raunchiest porn you own. Go rent some new stuff. Whack off fifteen times if you have to until you’re calm enough to go into the club and not make an ass of yourself. Do whatever it takes. Remember, they’re expecting all men to be easy marks. When you prove to be different, you’re in. You’re just going to have to stand your ground a very short time before they’re going to start to warm to you and wonder about you and fret over your presence. What the hell is wrong with this guy, anyway? Why isn’t he fucking drooling over me? Who does he think he is? Why doesn’t he stare at my tits and stammer whenever I talk to him? Why doesn’t he try and touch me like a guilt 113

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS schoolboy like every other man? What’s so different about this guy? What the fuck is so special about him? If you can just hold your ground for even a few hours, you’re going to get their peanut sized brains wondering all sorts of things. They’re going to be wondering how you can resist them, if they’re something wrong with them, or if you’re just so super-special that maybe they should be looking at you in a different light. And that, that is when you start to pour on your moves. What are your moves, you ask? Don’t fret class. That lesson is next.

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CHAPTER ELEVEN

Picking Up Those Broken Pieces

All right now, you’ve picked out your stripper, you’ve worked on her and you’ve got her broke down real good. You’ve got this poor twat thinking there has to be something extra special about you. Great. Now, how do you make that work for you? Where do you go next? Well there, Basil, you climb right into her fucking head and you don’t stop teasing it until you’ve got her legs up over the struts of the chandelier and her lips firmly wrapped around your flagpole. Now, one easy way to the nirvana of free stripper sex is to start conditioning them to give you things. This is a simple, subliminal trick, but it works like a charm. Once 115

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS you have them talking to you and treating you like their dearest and most bosom companion, once you’ve got their ear completely with your confessor role, that’s when you’ve got to start taking things up a notch. So, what do you do? Glad you asked. First you’ve got to start asking them for things. Little things. An extra napkin with that drink they’re fetching for you. A pack of matches so you can have a smoke. A bowl of peanuts. You’ve got to start taking up extra minutes of their time, either by getting them to serve you, or answering questions. It doesn’t really matter what it is you ask for, as long as it involves them giving you something while you’re giving them something. Understand? You’re their friend. You’re giving them advice and sympathy. They can at least get you some extra ice from the bar. Whatever you can think of, it all helps break down that barrier life and pain has erected around these women, not leaving them defenseless, but just smashing it enough to let you snake your way in. Now, a really great way to keep that “I’m your pal” scenario going is to become the kind of friend they can trust. You have to prove that you see the world the way they do. One of the best ways to do that is by asking them 116

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS things about how well they are doing taking the pathetic losers all around you to the cleaners. For instance: “Hey, that guy you started dating, how much have you taken him for?” “Didn’t you tell me one of those guys over there gave you your sports car? How did you beat that moron out of something that sweet?” “That guy over there looks like a real sucker. Which one of you is going to clean him out?” By getting them to tell you their secrets, by attacking their enemies and laughing at their conquests with these women, you are forming a subconscious alliance with them. You are on their side. You are not judging them in the least. Or, if you are, you are judging them smart and in-charge and clever and righteous and all the other things they want to believe that they are. As you keep doing this, they will come back to you over and over. Soon you won’t have to ask them anything about what they’re doing or anything else. You won’t have to worry about how to keep them coming back, because they’ll be coming to you with news of what they’ve done. And why will they be coming to tell you? 117

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Believe it or not, they’ll be coming back as often as they can because they’ll be worried about making certain that you come back. Yes, by this point, they’ll be coming to tell you this and that and the other thing in the hopes that their story will please you. Please you. That’s right. As they tell you of their victories and their conquests, and you dole out your approval, you will be on your way to becoming a Big Daddy figure to them, someone they can talk to, someone’s in whose lap they can curl up and feel safe. And, of course, since most of these women have fathers who left them at an early age, or who abused them, this is just the seat you want to be in. How does it work in your favor if her father ditched her at an early age? That would go something like this: My real daddy left me. But, who cares? Now I have a new one. But, I don’t want to lose my new daddy, too. Of course, daddy is a man, and men like sex. Hey, I bet I know how to keep this daddy around. Or, if she had the other type of scumbag dad: Daddy hit me and forced me to have sex. This guy is everything a daddy should be. He doesn’t abuse me or treat me like a sex object. I want to show this daddy how much I 118

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS appreciate being treated like a good girl for once. I bet he’d like to have some of what I do best. Now, I know that to some of you this second one is not going to seem to compute. If her real father abused her sexually, why would she have sex with her new father figure? Would that be the last thing she would do? Believe it or not, the answer is “no.” You have to remember, we’re talking incredibly unstable women here. These are emotional powder kegs, who have a limited number of social responses. They simply don’t have the skills to deal with someone with your approach. Sure, as long as the men are drooling like horny middle schoolers getting their first stiffies, they are large and in charge. But, you’re offering them something new, something they don’t know how to control. When any of us find ourselves in a new situation, one we have no answers for, we fall back on the only behavior we can think of that fits the situation. Fear makes us do all sorts of stupid things, like curling up in a ball to hide when danger comes at us. We should probably be running like Jesse Owens in Munich, but we’re simply too scared to think rationally, and so we let instinct take over. Same for our strippers. 119

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS They like you. They don’t want to lose you. But, they don’t know what to do. You’re so different. So confident. So independent. You’re such a good listener, and you don’t try anything stupid like most men, and you treat her so nice, and you’re such fun to be around, and you approve of everything she does in her lifestyle—you can not be allowed to get away. Not a catch like you. But, that’s the problem. You are a catch. And the only place she sees you is in the strip club. Where you are surrounded by strippers. Just like her. And this is where her own brain will do her in. You met her there. You could meet any stripper there. It’s their jobs to play up to the men. How can she make you all her own? How can she protect her confessor and keep you all to herself when there are so many evil, scheming women around all the time? And, as the fear of possibly losing you—yes, you—the one fucking good thing in their life sets in, answers will begin to appear to them. Oh yeah, bunkie, answers that involve measuring your pant’s bulge for a cock ring. What’s the only way she can make certain that the other bitches at the club don’t get their hands (or anything else) on you? Why, of course, they’re going to have to get 120

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS you out of the club and somewhere private. But, if you like going to the club, what are they going to be able to do to keep you happy enough so you’re not going to want to go to the club anymore? Hummmmmmmm, yes ... what, indeed? Got any ideas, tiger?

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C H A P T E R T W E LV E

Papa Don’t Preach

Okay, before I give you any more tricks, I just want to expand on something I mentioned only in passing earlier. I’ve talked about this, but in a way that sort of expects that you understand what I’m about to tell you up front and clearly. Since I’m thinking that there are a number of you that don’t, I’d better take a moment to make certain that you completely understand this most necessary of facts. And let me tell you, Chumly, I am not kidding here. This is the A Number 1, absolutely essential, top priority bit if information you need to make this all come off right. Okay: here it is. We keep talking about how you accept the strippers and their lifestyle. What they do is okay with you. You laugh at their victims and rejoice along with them when 122

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS they take some poor mook for everything. You listen to all their tales of tearing apart families and looting the life savings of some loser and you are all sympathy and understanding for them—not their victims. What I’m going to say next should seem obvious, but I can’t tell you how many guys have screwed this next part up. Far too many dopes have played the game just as I’ve outlined it, and then, turned around and tried to reform the stripper that they’ve been working on. This is just about as stupid as it gets. “You don’t belong here.” “You’re much too good for all this.” “You really don’t need this life.” “Oh, I can take you away from all this and take care of you as you deserve.” Oh, she’ll let you take her away from all that, you fruitcake, the same way she’s letting nineteen other guys take her away from all of it. You’ll just become sucker #20 who is paying her rent and making her bank account fatter than Bill Clinton’s yearly graft. You have to understand, you’re some regular guy telling her that you’re going to somehow skim off enough to keep her in the custom to which she’s become accustomed. On 123

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS your salary you’re going to handle her half million to million dollar a year life style. Worse yet, you’re criticizing her. You’re telling her that there is something wrong with being a stripper. If you say that she shouldn’t be one, that she should be taken away from stripping, then you’re making a judgment on her lifestyle. You’re saving that you’re superior to her. You think you’re coming across like Ward Cleaver, but you really sound something like this: “Hey, baby, I think you’re some kind of cheap slut. I’m morally superior to you and I think you should lead your life the way I say, else wise you’re just proving what a big skank you are.” Strip clubs are filled with reformers, guys who think their road to getting laid is to tell strippers that they’re whores in need of some ol’ time religion, as preached by them. These women hold guys who treat them this way with extra special contempt. This is a sure fire way to guarantee that you never get laid by any stripper in the galaxy. And, believe me, this approach simply never, ever, ever works. No matter what some hoochie koochie might tell you, don’t ever believe it if it sounds as if she wants you to 124

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS be her little white knight. Trust me, one of two things is happening here. Either: One—she is simply not under your spell yet, and she is testing you to see if you can be easily added to her string of victims, or, Two—she’s on the brink of believing you and this is one last test to see if you are actually the wonderful Joe she’s begun to think you are. Remember, and this is of vital importance, you’re not looking for a wife here, all right? This is not some fucking sit com. You’re not going to reform one of these loads of dynamite into your little picket-fence, white-apron soccer mom. Fuck, why would you even want to? For Christ’s fucking sake, Charlie Tuna, you’re just looking to get laid here. You’re not after anything more long term here than something that takes enough time to drain your trouser snake and fill her esophagus with your personal brand of man gravy. I mean, come on, Mack, you don’t think stripping is bad. You think it’s glorious, you think it’s wonderful, and you fucking thank God every cousin-raping morning and every grandpa-smacking night that you live in a country where women aren’t wrapped up in sheets and followed 125

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS around by male family members on those rare times when they’re allowed out of the house. You sing the praises of this wonderful land of ours to the angels on high every time you realize that not only don’t we stone strippers here as they do in other lands, but that we argue their rights to do as they do and live as they live in the highest courts in the land. Reformers are full of good intentions, and we know what interstate they pave with that shit.

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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The Stuff That Works

All right, all of you guys who took this class knowing exactly what to expect from me, you fellows who are always raising your hands, who have had all of the obvious answers right away, I know, I know, you’re all saying, hey, fucking tell us something we don’t know. Okay, I can dig it. I was young once, I’ve been where you are. And that’s why I go out of my way sometimes. Because, just like you, I’ve been where they are, too. What I’m saying is that I hope you can all understand that I’ve got to protect every man I can from the snakes that are lurking out there. We are all of us cut from the same threelegged cloth, my brothers, and trust me, we have got to stick together against this most aggressive of enemies. But, I think we should all be on the same page by now. 127

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS And, since I know a lot of you are ready to hit the beach, but aren’t exactly certain you have enough armament, let me ladle up a few more great tricks that will help you snag the stripper of your dreams. The number one bit of ammo all of you should be tucking into some handy pocket before you begin your first stripper offensive is a sense of humor. If you can make these gals laugh, you’ve got a friend for life. Sure, they laugh at men all day long, but it’s bitter, frustrating laughter. If you can offer them an alternative, you’re going to fucking have it made in the shade. Now, I’m not saying you should try to be Jerry Seinfeld or Rodney Dangerfield right off the bat here. These gals are busy; they don’t have time to listen to your stand-up monologue. You’ve got to work on them slowly to get them interested enough to want to take you seriously as a person before you can engage them in any kind of conversation. But, if you can shoot off the occasional quip that makes them laugh at themselves or their situation, you’ll have them right where you want them. Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself, either. This just allows you to then laugh at them later on. Cracking some jokes, lots of them, both about yourself 128

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS and about the wonderful world of strippers, definitely helps to draw them into that conspiratorial situation where you really want them. You know what I’m talking about here—right? Hey, we’re all on the same side, it’s us against them, et cetera. And also, every single time you get them to laugh at themselves, at the other girls, or at the clubs, at stripping, whatever, this helps them shed a touch of the guilt that deep down inside they all carry around with them. The more doses of humor you supply her with to lighten up her night, the more it’s going to hit her, sooner or later, that you’re the guy she should desperately be trying to keep all for herself. And again, gee, however could she possibly do a thing like that? Here’s another little note: Be yourself! Do you read me, general? Be your goddamned self. When you go to a club, dress the way you normally dress. I’ve seen guys go out and buy five hundred dollar shirts just to try and impress strippers. You know what they do when they see something like this? They immediately get a sticky, staining drink made at the bar, and they come over and they spill it on the dope who thinks clothes impress 129

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS them. You have to understand, nothing like this is going to make an impression on a stripper. They throw clothes on the floor for a living. Most of them have more money than you can dream of having. Fancy clothes mean absolutely nothing to them. Nothing at all. And, worse yet, they’ll know when you’re gone out and scored new threads just to try and impress them. Nobody used to hundred dollar suits gets into two thousand dollars worth of suit and doesn’t act different. You straighten out imaginary wrinkles, you sit more carefully, watch what you’re doing, make a fuss if you accidentally wipe your hands on your pants, et cetera. These girls know the score. And, they’ve had so many pathetic bozos trying dressing up to impress them that they know every wrinkle. I knew a guy who bought a Rolex just to wear to a club to impress a stripper. Want to guess who owned the Rolex by the end of the night? Want to guess who never got laid for his troubles? Now, I’m not saying you can’t wear nice clothes to a club. What I’m saying is, you have to wear them for you— not for the fucking strippers. Wear what you’re comfortable in. This is the whole point. You have to walk 130

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS in there confidently. You own the place. You do what you want. No one makes rules for you. No one judges you. You are the man who surveys all that is front of him and who passes out the judgments. No one else. That is the attitude you have to have, and let me tell you, guys with that attitude had better be comfortable in their own skin, or the sharks will sniff them out and have a fucking field day chewing the meat from their bones. In other words, just to try and keep this short, you have to just be yourself on all levels possible. Now, okay—yes, I know—I know I’ve told you to change this and that behavior and to pretend this is that and that is this, blahblahblahblah, until you’re wondering if all of this is worth it. Well, it is. Take it from someone who has nailed strippers from coast to coast, and on five other continents (sorry, guys, I know I’m your hero, but even I haven’t found any strip clubs in Antarctica), stripper sex is some of the best possible. Let these nutzoid terrorist bastards blow themselves up to get their seventy-two virgins. Any of you guys who have laid a virgin recently, tell me, and be honest, you sons of bitches, can you think of any more boring sex in your life? Fucking virgins only works at two times in your life. When 131

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS you’re a virgin yourself and you don’t need anyone laughing at you while you try to figure out exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, and when you’re so old that you don’t need anyone laughing at you while you try to do all the things you’ve learned but are too tired to do anymore. No, stripper sex is about as close to heaven on earth as it gets. These broads have the moves and the bodies to go with them. They’re beautiful, they know what you want and they’re not too fucking prissy to give it to you. Yes, stripper sex is absolutely worth going after. And, it’s worth every single change you might have to make to get it. But, what I’m trying to tell you here is, that you don’t have to, and nay, shouldn’t try to totally change everything about yourself 100%. The more you can be your natural self, the easier all of this is going to come. Dress the way you normally do. Don’t put on a false face where you don’t need to. If you drink beer, then drink beer. Don’t think you need to be drinking whiskey to prove how tough or grown up or mature or anything else you might want to prove you are. Don’t drink beer if you don’t normally drink. Go ahead and drink soda if that’s what you drink. 132

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS You’re the one who has to be in charge. You have to be a confident, in charge guy who knows what he wants, does what he wants, and who gets what he wants. Because, believe me, if you’re not doing and getting what you want, it’s going to be them, doing and getting what they want. And, man, you will be the one they are doing it to and you will be the one they are getting it from. And they will show you no mercy. Oh, yeah.

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Last Call

Okay, that’s pretty much it. We’ve just got some last minute pointers to go over and then it’s off to the nearest strip club for you to start getting your hands on the stuff you’ve been waiting for. I know I’ve made it sound like it’s going to take a lot of work, but for Jimney Christmas sake, guys, look what we’re talking about here. We’re talking sex with strippers, man! What could be better? What could be juicier? What could be more fucking choice than that? Anyway, before we forget, let’s go over just a few more details that will help make certain that you are looking at clean seas and bright skies—all clear sailing for you guys from here on in. Which means, first off, let me tell you about the Phone Test. 134

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS This one works like this. Wanting to test you, a stripper will ask you for your phone number, promising to call you soon. You, not being some cum-in-your-pants moron, smile politely, you mention that such a thing sounds like a fine idea, and you give her your number. Sounds great—right? But then, she doesn’t call. Wait a day, wait a week, wait a fucking year, she’s not going to call. This is all on purpose. Trust me on this, this is all being done so she can gauge your reaction to her saying she’s going to call, and then not doing it. What’s the big deal, you ask. What’s this all about? As always, I will explain. First off, men have been saying they would call women since two days after Alexander Graham Bell invented the damn telephone. And, of course, they never do. For a lot of strippers, this is a kind of payback. The bonus for them is, if when you see them again, you go into a snit, bugging them about why they didn’t call, getting on their case for not calling, making any kind of a stink about it—hell, even just asking about it—they will cut you off at the ankles. You will have proved to them that you are just another piece of male garbage, not worth their time. The reasoning for many of them is that you are not 135

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS only acting like a woman, but the kind of woman they hate. They don’t like most men to begin with, but who wants some clinging, insecure whiner who obviously went home and sat by the phone in his underwear with his dick in his hand waiting for her to call? Fuck that, is their motto. Again, remember that these girls have not dozens or scores of men after them, but hundreds, sometimes thousands of guys begging them for dates, throwing unbelievable sums at them just on the chance they might show them some attention. Like magazine editors looking for the slightest excuse to bounce a manuscript, they’re running all men through the wringer, just waiting to see which test they will fail so they can scrape their fucking putrid remains off their plates and into the garbage where they belong. So, what’s the answer, you say. Glad you asked. What you have to do is keep your fucking mouth shut. Period. When you see her, you have to act just the same as always. You’re glad to see her, how ya doing? All the usual warm and fuzzy bullshit. If you do this, if you just say nothing, eventually she will bring up the fact that she didn’t call you to see what your reaction is to that. 136

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS What you have to do here is play it cool. Give them something on the order of: “Hey, you’re a busy gal, that’s cool.” Or, “Oh yeah, you did say you’d call, didn’t you? Heck, you know, I’ve been so busy I kinda forgot.” In seconds, she’s going to be apologizing to you. You, of course, will be magnanimous and tell them it’s no big deal. You know she’ll get around to it when she can. Believe me, after that, she probably will because you’ve just given her further proof that you’re one of the guys she wants to get away from the other girl’s clutches as soon as possible. Another thing you have to remember is that just because strippers are dangerous, it’s no reason for you to avoid them or to worry about them. I know I’ve been laying it on pretty thick here. I’ve called them all sorts of names and I’ve made them sound (well, I think I have, anyway) like pretty scary bitches. It’s true. I have and they are. But, they can’t hurt you if you’re prepared for them. Sharks are scary, right? Who isn’t frightened by the thought of some 2,000 pound Great White swallowing you up to your waist and biting you in fucking half? Sharks are goddamned monsters. But, if you know what a shark is, and where they are, and how to handle them, suddenly 137

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS your fear disappears. I mean, you’re not afraid to go swimming in a swimming pool, because you know there are no sharks in swimming pools. You know you’re safe because the environment is secure. It’s the same for strippers. Once you know what to do around them (which you now do), they’re not dangerous anymore. No stripper is going to put a gun to your head and demand your baby girl’s college fund. Why should she bother? There are too many assholes throwing their retirement accounts and the passwords to their 401Ks at them for them to care about yours. Yes, strippers are scary, but only to those who don’t know how to handle them. Automobiles can be pretty fucking scary if you’re trying to cross a busy street and they’re all whipping by at ninety miles an hour. If you’re behind the steering wheel, however, they’re not scary at all. In fact, you can use them against each other. How? Thought you’d never ask. One absolutely terrific tactic I call The Jealousy Effect works like a charm every time. And, oddly enough, it’s one of the easiest tricks in the book, and one that guys constantly overlook when the chance to use it comes their way. Let me tell you all about it. 138

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS Let’s say you’ve been doing everything that I’ve said just as I’ve told you to do it. You’ve put all the little plans into place and you’re moving along at top speed. In fact, you’ve already attracted the attention of one stripper who hangs on your every word. She’s always spending her free minutes with you, laughing at your jokes, fetching you anything you ask for, seemingly ready, willing and oh, ever so able to do anything you might want. So, what’s the problem? The problem, as you see it, is that this chick is not the one you want. Oh, she’s a stripper and hot and all the rest, but she’s just not what you’re looking for. You want something else. For whatever reason, tit size, eye color, waist size—I don’t know, she’s Orthodox Jewish and you’re a Reform Druid— who cares? She’s just not for you. If only she’d leave you alone so you can concentrate on the one you want. Right? No, you goofy Nimrod. Not right. In fact, as wrong as you can get. As Captain America once said, “Make every disadvantage an advantage.” This stripper who’s following you around is your way to everyone else in the club. Once any stripper sees you as a 139

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS person and not as a cash cow, the others will, too. One stripper taking an interest in you and being turned down is ever better for you. The others will all soon start thinking, ha, she wasn’t woman enough for him, but I’ll bet I could get him to fuck me. And this, brothers, is the way you want them. Oh, fucking, yes!

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EPILOGUE

Last Orders: Taking Down The Enemy

Well, men, it’s been a rough row to hoe, but we’re here at last, the end of the book. I’ve given over just about everything you need to conquer even strippers on your quest to reach the sexual heights. And, I’m telling you, once you’ve had sex with a stripper, you’re going to wonder when all the other fucking chicks in this world are going to catch on to what sex is all about. You’re talking here with a guy who’s had sex with strippers hundreds of times, and believe me, it just gets better and better. And, I guarantee you, once you’ve had sex with any stripper in any club, most every other one will be wondering what the big deal is and will be out to steal 141

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS you away from the one that has you. Before long, you’ll be having sex with a dozen of the girls in the club at the same time. They will share you as a sex partner the same way they were willing to share you as a friend. You are their father confessor, their big daddy, the only man who knows them and cares about them and loves them they way they’ve always known some man would. Indeed, it won’t be long before they’ll all want you to move in with them, or manage their monetary affairs. I know this sounds wild, impossible, unbelievable, but it is all absolutely true. Now, before we close, I have to share with you one last story. By this point you must be wondering how I know all I know about strippers. I mean, how does someone figure out that all the normal moves have to be done in reverse to get their attention. Well, I’ll admit the truth, it was totally by accident that I stumbled across the secrets I’ve been sharing with you here. Let me tell you all about it. Years ago, I had a real thing about bikini trims and shaved bushes. What can I say, I’m a real jungle explorer. I like a wild and wooly bush. Pussy manicured down to where it looked like a putting green just didn’t turn me on. 142

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS So, when I went to a strip club with business associates or pals who liked to hang out there, I acted the way I’ve described here because I simply wasn’t that turned on by these girls. To put it as I used to in those days: “No hair, I don’t care.” So, because I really didn’t care and didn’t want to lay anyone I saw (don’t forget, I was still getting all the sex I could handle outside the clubs), these gals tried all the harder to get my attention. Before I knew it, I was playing them off one against the other just as a game. And, amazingly, after I told a few of the girls about my aversion to mowed bush, they quit the business and became massage girls just so they could grow theirs out for me. Before I knew it, all by accident, I understood the secret that men had been chasing for years. And, I was banging those first two like Babe Ruth belting homers out of the park—long, far and often. And that is the story. Eventually, obviously, I got over my crazy avoidance thing and started banging every stripper in sight, a pleasing pastime I enjoy unto this very day. And this is the rapturous joy I wish for all of you, my brothers, the unbelievable fun of stripper sex. 143

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS I salute each one of you noble bastards that bought this book because you are willing and daring enough to take this most ultimate of challenges. It’s one thing to not go gay in this modern, PC world of ours. It’s another to chase tail like our fathers did knowing that there’s a shrill feminist lawyer behind every fucking tree looking to haul our asses in front of some judge to get us locked up for harassment. In fact, that thrill alone is one shared by a smaller and smaller number of men as the world turns into a humorless, barren wasteland, shriveled by the nannies and do-gooders and fucked-up wretches out to destroy everyone’s good time. But you, you wonderful guys who are actually wild enough to go after stripper sex—god bless you. I say this from the bottom of my heart, you don’t know how it stirs me, the thrill it gives me to know there are real men left in this country. Men who not only want to get laid, but who have the guts and the balls to go after the best, who want to get laid as only the greatest men of all time have gotten laid. I say it again, stripper sex is the best sex you will ever have. And why? Do they know more than prostitutes? No, of course not. But, you pay a prostitute. Of course she’s going to lay you. That’s her job. Of course she’s good at it. 144

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HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS That’s what she does all day. But, when you can get your hands on some stripper sex, you know you’ve gotten the best. You are in an elite cadre of sex machines, the numbers of which are dwindling smaller and smaller every day. Strippers don’t have to have sex with anyone. You can’t pay them to do it. In fact, paying them almost guarantees you won’t get any sex. So, to get it, to have it given to you, to have it thrust upon you, this is the ultimate, man, this is the be all and end all of sexual adventures. And you, you daring, glorious SOBs, you make me proud to be a man. Knowing you guys are out there is stirring, its life affirming. It is what I have been working for in my books and CDs. It is the best news any real man can receive, that the world is still filled with rip-snorting wild men, fireballs with iron in their bones, ramrods for spines, and lightning filled eyes who won’t be satisfied until they’ve tasted all of life on their terms! Go forth, you hell raisers, get what you’re after, drink it down to the very last dregs, taste every bit of life you ever dreamed of, and then ... Well then ... Do it all the over again! 145

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