16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One

Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Value of this book: US$18 BWP150 ZAR180 GBP12

16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE Volume One

I spent sleepless nights for over two years writing this book. Truly it has not been easy. But it‟s worthwhile for every single person to have a copy and increase chances of proper dating and courtship leading to blissful marriage. I am offering this book to you and your loved ones for free for the next two months. I did this so that no youth or single parent would be left out in getting a copy simply because they have no money. Feel free to distribute the book to as many people as you can. I believe the lessons in this book will minimise mistakes that singles make resulting in hellish marriages or no marriage at all. Enjoy and God bless! Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE Volume One A Guide to Successful Dating and Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage

What others are saying about this book ―This book is loaded for you if you are seeking to get the best out of your relationship. Practical and insightful information; I recommend this book to anyone who wants to avoid the pit-falls that lead to failed relationships. For those who cherish success and desire to be at the driver‘s seat on the way to relationship bliss, this book is a must read. Peace.‖ ~ Pastor Lebone Mogami, Senior Pastor, Winners Chapel International Church Botswana ―This insightful and compelling book is a must read particularly by singles as it will enable them to make a perfect choice of their partner and ensure a happy forever-after marriage.” ~ Prof James Katende, Ph.D Founding Dean, College of Engineering & Technology, Botswana International University of Science & Technology.

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE Volume One A Guide to Successful Dating and Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage

Wilbert R. Mutoko

Author of 15 Secrets for Personal Financial Success – A Simple Step-by-Step Plan for Financial Freedom

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Copy right © May 2014, Wilbert R. Mutoko. All rights reserved.

This publication is designed in good faith to provide competent and reliable information regarding the subject matter covered. However, the book is a general guide; therefore specific advice on relationships, dating & courtship and marriage should be sought before taking steps. The author and publisher therefore specifically disclaim any liability that is incurred from the use or application of the contents of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted commercially by any means – electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopy) recording, or otherwise – without written permission from the publisher and author.

All scripture references are from the New Living Translation (NLT) or King James Version (KJV) unless otherwise stated.

Global Family Restoration P.O. Box AD 7 AAF Gaborone, Botswana Tel: 00267 71824591 or 00267 71481536 or 00267 72727376 Email: [email protected] or [email protected] or Face Book, LinkedIn, Skype and Twitter: wilbertmutoko www.wilbertmutoko.com

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

A truly single person is one who is complete physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually without dependence upon anyone else. ~ Dr. Myles Munroe

―The single years of a man‗s development is designed of God to be a season of laying a solid foundation for a great life of exploits. A foundation that will equip you for a life that makes a notable difference to your world.‖ ~ Pastor Faith A. Oyedepo

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DEDICATION This book is dedicated to: My lovely son Peace – here is a guide to your success in dating and courtship. I don‟t doubt that you will be a great father, husband and global leader.

My beautiful daughters: Praise and Prayer. I am glad that as you follow this guide, your futures shall be great. You shall be the best of mums, wives, and leaders worldwide.

Billy and Bliss, wonderful sons to my brother Beaven; the world will see the glory of God in your marriages and your exploits in life.

To my beloved young close relatives: Gracious Chivaura, Trust Chivaura, Carol Machabvunga, Ruvimbo Machabvunga, Shumirayi Machabvunga, Tariro Mawire and siblings, Nyasha Mutoko, Simba Mutoko, Privilege Mutoko, Faith Mutoko and siblings, Zvikomborero Mutoko and siblings, Russel Machabvunga, Albert Jnr Machabvunga,

Chantelle

Machabvunga,

Divine

Machabvunga,

Doctrine

Machabvunga, Tanaka, Blessing and Tindo; and many more to come. You are so precious to God and to me. The world is waiting to see you manifesting greatness in dating, courtship and marriage, and manifesting greatness in every area of your lives. Last but not least, to all single men and women in the world – single from birth, single by relationship failure, or single by widowhood, and any other category I may have overlooked. I salute your courage as I dedicate this book to you. I understand the challenges you face daily, because I was once a single. May this book be a relief to your burdens, a comfort to your pains, a guide in times of confusion, and a solution manual for your single life challenges?

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank the following people: To God Almighty, thank you daddy for making me a gift to the world. My precious wife, and best friend Princess Phillis Mutoko for your tremendous love. My mother Irene Mutoko and my late dad Mark for raising me, your love is too much. Here I pass the love you taught me to the whole world. I salute your courage. My mother-in-law Juliet Machabvunga and my late father-in-law Wilson Machabvunga; Thank you for the great wife you raised for me; My smart children Peace, Praise and Prayer, you answer to your names. Thank you for your support. The publishers, Printers, Distributors of this God sent book, thank you for making it possible Last but not least, to you my dear reader and to all my clients and fans following me on LinkedIn, Face book, radios, television, in seminars, newspapers and magazines. Thank you for receiving me as a gift from God to you.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Why I wrote this Book – 2 Introduction - 4 Definition of Terms - 8 Mistake 1: Negative Attitude - 12 Mistake 2: Unclear Purpose of Relationship - 19 Mistake 3: No Specific Expectation - 25 Mistake 4: Lying and hiding past mistakes - 35 Mistake 5: Lack of Mentorship - 40 Mistake 6: Not consulting the Manufacturer of human beings - 51 Mistake 7: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiancée - 59 Mistake 8: Trying to Escape Loneliness - 66 Mistake 9: Granting Your Fiancée Your Body before Marriage - 72 Mistake 10: Falling In Love with a Person from a Different Background - 78 Mistake 11: Lack of Preparation - 89 Mistake 12: Desperation - 97 Mistake 13: Unwilling to Change - 103 Mistake 14: Choosing someone because of outward appearance only - 107 Mistake 15: Failing to Forgive - 109 Mistake 16: Giving Up - 112 CONCLUSION - 117 GLOSSARY - 119 RECOMMENDED READING - 124 APPENDIX 1: COURTSHIP QUESTIONS - 121 ABOUT THE AUTHOR - 126

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK? ―What is your relationship status?‖ I asked. ―Complicated,‖ responded Jane. ―What do you mean by ‗complicated?‖ I asked incredulously. ―Ah. Mmmmm.‖ Jane mused, scratching her head. She was not sure whether she was single; in a relationship; engaged; married, or what! Have you ever come across people who don‟t know their status? It is a reality. Such is the status of many people because of certain mix-ups that have happened in their lives.

Single people all over the world have never been this confused, since the beginning of the dotcom age. Singles don‟t know where to turn to for advice and guidance. The media depicts superstars in an artificial way; while parents try to drum in singles the old ways of doing things. Meanwhile, churches and other organizations prescribe a spiritual approach to dating, courtship and marriage. Friends and peers on the other hand, have their own influence. So which advice should singles accept?

Realistically speaking, is it possible today for singles to date and be in courtship successfully, and go ahead to enjoy blissful marriage? Why are there so many break-ups and divorces in the world today? Is there a solution to all the challenges singles and married face?

Mistakes are one of the biggest causes of failure in relationships. I have seen singles make avoidable mistakes over and over again. For the purpose of giving solutions to mistakes made by singles, I have written this book.

This book is for both religious and non-religious singles of all ages. Age is not a barrier. As a counsellor (both Secular and Spiritual) and Pastor I have helped young and old alike. I remember a 59 year old and a 60 year old that I counselled before marriage, a few years ago. They had a fantastic wedding, and they are enjoying themselves. So don‟t worry about your age, because age is just a number.

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I hope the book will be a provider of solutions to singles‟ problems about relationships; a manual for successful dating/courtship; and a guide to preparation for a blissful marriage. I desire to put this book in the hands of singles; and parents, teachers, pastors and counsellors to help them guide singles in forming successful relationships.

I have a concern and care for you singles, and in this book I will attempt as much as possible to answer your burning questions. I will then suggest success solutions, drawn from experiences of

counsellors, pastors,

relationship experts, sex experts, and marriage gurus who have successfully chosen their life partners, and are enjoying peaceful and sweet marriages. I will also share my real-life experiences that have given me a blissful and heaven-on-earth marriage for over fifteen years.

Many singles make mistakes that cost them joy, and possibly rob them of possible sweet marriages. Chapters of this book will hopefully help you to avoid costly mistakes, for you to live happy and healthy lives.

Believe me, the issue of getting a suitable life partner is a burning issue in many people‟s hearts and lives. I have come across many single people, most of whom are heart-broken due to past failed relationships; and as you can expect, their first question to me as a counsellor and pastor is: ―What wrong have I done to deserve this? Where have I missed it? Why can‘t I find Mr. Right or Mrs. Right? What can I do to be located now? Why am I unlucky?‖

Success principles apply everywhere, no matter your geographical location or race. There is always a way out in any situation you find yourself. This is your year of favour; as I strongly believe the principles shared in this book will help you get the right partner and go on to enjoy a great marriage. If that happens, I will feel rewarded for my efforts of sleepless nights writing this book, and the countless hours spent over the years counselling singles and couples. It will also reduce the agony I experience each time I counsel married couples who picked wrong partners and got stuck in marriage. I have experienced pain for the past 18 years counselling such unhappy couples; and I thought writing a Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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book for singles can work as a preventive measure to reduce painful marriages; which in turn can reduce the divorce rate world-wide. Ignorance is our worst enemy. Once you know the principles to apply in any area of your concern, you become free. This book will both open your eyes and help you choose the right partner; or it will help you counsel singles – children, students etc. It will also equip parents, teachers, counsellors and pastors with information to guide their children/clients in choosing a life partner.

Wilbert R. Mutoko

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Introduction

―Dating and Courtship are the foundation for marriage.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

A good friend of mine told me a sad experience, that he called a contractor to build a house and the contractor messed up. When the house was at roofing level, the wall started cracking. Engineers came and condemned the foundation as ‗very weak.‘ What were the correction measures, you may be asking? The engineer asked my friend to demolish the whole wall and dig out the faulty foundation. What a sad story? What a waste of resources? What a waste of time? What a wasted opportunity?

There being no choice, the job had to be re-done. Now, if you have constructed a house, you know how much money and effort goes into a foundation. How about re-doing a house? No need to mention, when you do a foundation, you need to take time and do it right the very first time. Otherwise you suffer frustration. The bad contractor in this example cost my friend, time, money, and other resources by „cutting corners‟ to build fast. Same applies to marriage. Marriage has suffered break-down in our generation more than any other institution. The major cause for failed marriages is faulty dating and courtship.

Dating and courtship are the foundation for blissful marriage. You need to put extra caution in dating and courtship so you can enjoy a stable and happy marriage in future. As such, a lot of emphasis will be put in this book, on how singles can avoid certain mistakes and have successful dating and courtship. This in turn will result in a happy marriage that will positively impact your nation, and the world at large.

Charity begins at home, and as such, any home that is full of mistakes, spells disaster for the nation and world. If there is charity in everyone‟s heart, there will be charity in every relationship; leading to charity in every marriage, Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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charity in the community, country, continent, and eventually charity in the world. This will in turn reduce divorce, chaos, wars and misunderstandings. Divorce is skyrocketing everywhere in the world, and to anyone who desires world peace; divorce is a big enemy that has to be avoided.

If there is charity in everyone‟s

heart,

there will be charity in every relationship, leading to charity in every

marriage,

charity

in

and

eventually charity in the world.

Many single folks are frustrated due to either lack of a partner, frustrating relationship, and overwhelming care for children; loneliness, confusion, and abusive partner; rejection, failure in life or partner refusing to legally marry.

the

community, country, continent

There are a few single people who are happy in life.

In trying to deal with the above concerns, most singles make several mistakes that make their lives more miserable than ever. In this book, such mistakes shall be exposed, and I will attempt to give success tips that could help singles to deal with their

situations and either live a happy single life, get married or re-marry without struggle.

The success tips have been compiled from books and articles written by experts in the area of Dating, Courtship, Sex and Marriage; from my personal experiences before I entered marriage; from personal experience acquired over the years of spiritual and secular counselling; and from experience counselling high school students and university students.

I took bits of information from different books, including the great book of all times – the Bible. Now, you don‟t have to be a Christian to quote or to refer to the Bible. I have referred to the Bible just like any other book, without picking offence on others who believe in other religions. Why do I mention this? You may not be a Christian, and you have read this book so far, and you are wondering “I am a non-Christian. Am I reading again a book by one of these fanatic Christians who judge non-Christians?”

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Rest assured, I respect your religion; so please feel free to read this book with joy knowing that the Bible is being quoted here as a reference book only. I am not trying to undermine non-Christians. If I do so I would have failed my mandate to reach out to all singles world-wide, with this solution manual for relationships, regardless of your race or orientation. Being single is similar to being in any healthy relationship. You have your ups and downs, sometimes things are not perfect and you have to get on with your life. Of course, you can do anything you want. Being single is not always a bad thing. Break-ups hurt us all, but at some level, you might even be relieved for getting away from a manipulative or an abusive relationship. So I guess it is better to be single than to be with someone you don't even like! But if you lack social skills, then you need to know more about relationships (Arjun Kulkarni).

It is important for me to stress that dating and courtship are for people who are ready for marriage. It is not for school-going children or youngsters. As King Solomon said ‗Love is stronger than death.‘ Once you fall in love, love grows like a flower; you can‟t stop it from blossoming. Many got involved in love at school, and they failed school and scored on „love‟ (correctly termed lust).

Only date and court someone when you know you are mature enough, and ready for marriage; otherwise you put yourself in danger. Love has driven many people crazy, and they abandoned school. So please do one thing at a time. Don‟t copy those who date at school, they know they don‟t care about their future. If you are serious with your future, date and court when ready for marriage, because one thing leads to the other. Before you know it you may find yourself pregnant or having received a sexually transmitted disease.

In this book there shall be room also for singles who do not intend to marry or re-marry, to learn mistakes which they can avoid so that they live a happilyever single life.

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Thank you for your understanding, and enjoy reading.

Wilbert R. Mutoko

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DEFINITION OF TERMS

For the purpose of this book, singles include teenagers, youths, single mothers or single fathers, divorcees, widows and widowers. The following terms used in the book are defined as follows: Life partner – someone you choose to live with for the rest of your life, sharing everything, spirit, soul and body, till death separates you. Mistakes – its something you do without intending to or that produces a result that you do not want. It is something or part of something which is incorrect or not right. Singles – unmarried, or having no fiancée. Dating – someone who is trying to find a fiancée. It also refers to efforts to find time with a potential love interest, in pursuit of a possible relationship. I would suggest that you should date someone while they don‟t know your intentions. For example, you get closer to the girl you want at church or at work, so you learn her, without her suspecting. This helps because she will behave naturally without faking her character to please you. This is supported by the following quote: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it." ~ Garry Shandling Courtship – This comes after dating. You suggest love to your prospective fiancée. It is the slow art of wooing and seducing one‟s beloved with intention of marriage. It is the stage that leads to marriage. The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines dating as “making or having a date with,” whereas to court is “to seek the affections of, especially to seek to win a pledge of marriage.” It therefore follows that courtship comes after dating, i.e., a person in courtship is getting ready for marriage, not for fun.

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Marriage – the relationship between husband and wife. It is the act of marrying someone, or the ceremony at which this is done. Successful – something that is successful, achieves what it was intended to achieve. Successful Dating – managing to find the right fiancée that you intended to have. Successful courtship – being able to keep a good and clean relationship before marriage, leading to happy marriage. Blissful – a blissful situation or period of time is one in which you are extremely happy. Blissful Marriage – Marriage or relationship between husband and wife, filled with extreme happiness.

Dating and courtship, which ever way you define it, requires care and responsibility so that your single life can have proper meaning.

Wilbert R. Mutoko

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THE SIMPLE MANUAL FOR DATING, COURTSHIP AND READINESS FOR BLISSFUL MARRIAGE This classic, well-established title has been called ‗the most simplistic yet effective guide to successful dating, courtship and preparation for blissful marriage.‘

Knowing how to avoid mistakes that plague singles, and the steps to follow in dating, courtship and readiness for blissful marriage, is not the end. As with all crucial issues of life, you need to act and change your situation, by changing who you become. No one knows everything, but if you follow the advice in this book, your life will never be the same again.

I will now take you step-by-step through the mistakes to be avoided by singles followed by the success tips: 

Mistake 1: Negative Attitude



Mistake 2: Unclear Purpose of Relationship



Mistake 3: No Specific Expectation



Mistake 4: Lying and hiding past mistakes



Mistake 5: Lack of Mentorship



Mistake 6: Not consulting the Manufacturer of human beings



Mistake 7: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiancée



Mistake 8: Trying to Escape Loneliness



Mistake 9: Granting Your Fiancée Your Body before Marriage



Mistake 10: Falling In Love with a Person from a Different Background



Mistake 11: Lack of Preparation



Mistake 12: Desperation



Mistake 13: Unwilling to Change



Mistake 14: Choosing someone because of outward appearance only



Mistake 15: Failing to Forgive



Mistake 16: Giving Up

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Are you interested in learning the first mistake and its suggested solutions? Let‟s turn the pages together. Next we look at Mistake 1: Negative Attitude. Enjoy!

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MISTAKE ONE: NEGATIVE ATTITUDE TACKLE THE THING By Edgar A. Guest There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done, There are thousands to prophesy failure; There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, Just start to sing as you tackle the thing

"Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity. Successful people act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly and you will be amazed at the positive result." ~ Dupree Jordan Attitude is everything. Attitude is the way you view things and situations; and it ultimately determines your success in anything you do. It is the way you think and feel about something, showing it by the way you behave. What happens to you is not the problem; rather what matters is how you react to the happenings. Look at the story below:

Real Life Experience 1.1: Emmanuel Had a Negative Attitude on Relationships and Marriage

Emmanuel was a victim of negative attitude as a youth; because he had seen too many failed relationships, and crisis-marriages around him. So he hated and feared dating, courtship and marrying. Although Emmanuel read many books on marriage, somehow he entered marriage with a bit of negative attitude. Thank God for the precious fiancée he finally chose with God‟s help. She was so positive about marriage, contrary to Emmanuel‟s negative thoughts by then.

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Their courtship was awesome, and they managed to work through any external challenges they faced. After marriage, he learnt from more books about marrying forever. In seven months, it really settled in Emmanuel‟s mind is

that there is no turning back in marriage. Emmanuel

Your

and his wife faced their fair share of challenges,

attitude determines

especially during the first six months after wedding.

your altitude in life.

They loved each other a lot, and spend almost all

Attitude everything.

time together. But they had to learn to adjust their characters to suit each other. But with a constructive attitude they solved their differences, they adjusted their characters to each other, and today, over twenty years later, their marriage stands rock-solid. They are enjoying one of the best marriages on planet earth.

In case you are in the same situation as Emmanuel was before marriage, thinking negative about marriage and thinking divorce; you need to make up your mind and change for the better. I like it when King Solomon said, ―He who finds a wife has found a good thing, and he obtains favour from the Lord‖.

Success Tips

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude." ~ Amy Tam

If you think relationships and marriage is not good, you are correct. If you think relationships and marriage is a noble thing and you want to pursue it, again you are correct. If you think one of these good days you will locate Mr. or Mrs. Right; and you will go on to enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage, you are correct. If you think you are unlucky, you are hated, you have misfortune

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and you will never meet anyone good for you; and you will not enjoy any marriage; again you are correct. This reminds me of one man who said to me, ―I think I will never find a woman to settle with.‖ I asked him ―why‖, and he said, ―Good women are no longer there. What I always meet are bad girls‖. I then said to him, ―what you believe is your choice. Good women are scarce, but they are available.‖ But he was slowly getting angry with me; and I had no choice but to end the conversation by saying, ―I am sorry, but whatever you believe, that you will attract. Attitude is everything.‖ So I left the guy alone, and nine years later, he is still single at age 44.

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." ~ Lou Holtz

Your attitude towards relationships is therefore very important. The only way you can change your attitude is by studying books on positive relationships, or following mentors who have a successful marriage to guide you through. Otherwise alone by yourself, you may stumble forever. I pray that you change your attitude and no sooner than later, you will attract the right partner, and your marriage will be one of the best.

I found this article interesting and encouraging to singles:

Expert Advice 1.2: God Is Not Punishing You with Singleness

God is not punishing you with singleness. God loves you. For some women [this advice applies to men as well], God‘s best for them is to be married earlier, so that they can learn important lessons about God through Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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marriage. For other women, God‘s best for them is keeping them single for a time, so they can learn those same lessons through singleness. Singleness is not a problem to be fixed! Singleness is a season of life where we can focus solely on God. The Bible says that it is God‘s will that everyone be single for a time and some be single forever — and those are blessed! (1 Cor. 7:32-35) You can choose to be obedient and single for as long as God wants or you can disobey and date/marry the next cute lost guy who walks across your path. Who will it be? God‘s Mr. Right or the world‘s Mr. Right-in-front-of-you? (Gabrielle Pickle, Girlsgonewise.com article, ―Mr Right or Mr Right in Front of You?)

In the words of Dr. David Oyedepo, ―You have unusual grace and impeccable abilities. You are a priest and a king, and your priesthood and kingly dominion is to be manifested on earth. You are special!‖ (Book: Exploits in Ministry, page 16). It is good for you to know that, being single does not mean you are less important. You are important in life; so maximise your singlehood, so that when you get married, your life can become better and fortified in marital unity.

Attitudes that lead to Relationship Success among Singles 

Believing that you are important before God. ―For God so loved the world (you and I) and he gave his only begotten son …‖ (John 3:16)



A firm belief that God made you for a purpose. ―For I know the plans that I have for you, plans not for evil but for good. To give you a future and a hope.‖ (Jeremiah 29:11)



Understanding that you attract what you always ponder in your heart. If you think negative about relationships, you attract a wrong partner. And if you assume that marriage is to be endured, you will take wrong steps in dating and courtship that eventually lead to sad marriage. But if you are positive minded, you take positive steps that lead to successful dating and courtship culminating in blissful marriage. ―As a man thinks, so is he.‖ (Proverbs 7:23).

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

A firm belief that it is God‟s will for you to relate and marry. ―It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.‖ (Genesis 2:18)



Consciousness that whatever you believe and ask, you will obtain. So if you believe and ask for life to avail a soul mate, you will surely receive. ―Ask and it will be given to you, seek, and you will find …For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds …‖ (Matthew 7:7-8)



Believing that life is to be enjoyed, and not to be endured. This helps you to be positive concerning relationship and marriage. It develops in you an awareness that whether married or not, life is to be enjoyed to the maximum. It cultivates the attitude that life is too short to spend it in frustration. You have only one life, so enjoy it! You change what you can, and ask God for strength to accept and live with what you can‟t change.

SUMMARY

―The greatest discovery of any generation is that A human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.‖ ~ William James

Attitude is everything. Your attitude determines your altitude in life. Attitude determines how successful you will become in your relationships and ultimately in marriage. What decisions you make completely depend on you. The choice is yours. Some people marry on contract for two years or three years saying: ―If it works, we will renew the contract. If it doesn‘t work: we quit.‖ To me this sounds like lack of commitment. How can you enter into a short contract for something that was created to last forever? You therefore, should not keep yourself in a relationship unless you see there is hope for marriage. Similarly, you should not marry someone; until you are sure you are compatible.

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Mistake One: Negative Attitude

1.1 What is your general attitude towards relationships and marriage? ________________________________________________________ Make a list of attitudes that are stopping you from succeeding in relationships? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ _______________________________ 1.2 If you enter into a relationship, and you face problems, what will you do? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

1.3 Suppose you discover in a relationship that your fiancée is lazy, selfish, or careless, what would you do? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ _______________ 1.4 List five positive attitudes you need to develop for you to be successful in relationships. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________

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―Our self-image and our habits tend to go together. Change one, and you will automatically change the other.‖ ~ Dr. Maxwell Maltz

―One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often, whether the statement is true or false. It comes to be dominating thought in one‘s mind.‖ ~ Robert Collier

"Whether a glass is half full, or half empty, depends on the attitude of the person looking at it." ~ Unknown

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MISTAKE TWO: UNCLEAR PURPOSE OF RELATIONSHIP

―In order to have a successful ‗Dream Team‘, you‘ll need at least one more person with whom you have a common purpose. You have to have a partner to think through situations and circumstances. These people should have limitless vision and work together for a single goal.‖ ~ Mark Victor Hansen

―I knew after my first lesson what I wanted to do with my life.‖ ~ Billie Jean King

Is it not dangerous to enter into a relationship without knowing the other fellow‟s motive? Unclear or no purpose for a relationship, or assumption of intentions always result in conflicts, misunderstandings and/or break up or divorce.

Imagine a young man of twenty years, getting into a relationship with a rich elderly woman of fifty four years; or an eighteen-year-old girl marrying a sixtyyear-old man! The elderly folk may think that the young fellow wants to settle down. But the young fellow might be looking for a rich sugar mummy/daddy to supply money. There is no problem with marrying someone of different age, but what‟s the motive behind?

Real Life Experience 2.1 Relationship not for Fun

When I entered into a love relationship with Phillis, it was not for fun. Both of us agreed that we intended to get married in less than two years. No wonder we got married in 16 months. Both of us were serious about getting married. We didn‟t have other relationships apart from this one. We knew beyond doubt we were to have a wedding, and have an exemplary marriage that Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected] Whatever you © take

for granted, will get you

grounded.

Wilbert R. Mutoko

~

would change lives everywhere we went. For that reason, we were patient and we never slept with each other until wedding day.

Some difference in minds may never be resolved. For example, you are marrying because you want children quickly. Yet your partner wants to proceed with school or career, and s/he plans to start having children after seven years. Is that not a clash? Why not establish the vision before you go far? If a man proposes love to you, why not ask him what he means when he says ―I love you.‖ Why not ask him his intentions?

Your partner may be thinking of marrying you so you take care of his/her children. Others will be thinking of you taking care of their ailing parents. Others could be relating with you so you buy them goodies. If you don‟t clarify intentions, you may be shocked in future. Never take anything for granted. Some people propose love, because you are beautiful or handsome, but they don‟t have a future plan with you. Ask them for a clear plan, before you are used as a toy. Your partner may start saying; ―Prove that you love me by kissing or sleeping‖, then you know his/her intentions are to waste you. You cannot prove love by doing things before time; it‟s just like eating an unripe orange! If you are genuine; why are you in a hurry? Why not wait until the orange (fiancée) and you get married? Any person with respect for you should be willing to wait and do what is done in marriage at the right time, period!

Success Tips

―Blind commitment to a theory is not an intellectual virtue: it is an intellectual crime.‖ ~ Imre Lakatos

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You need to take time listening to your partner so you understand him/her. For example, what does s/he really mean when s/he says, ―I love you‖? To some guys, ―I love you‖ means, ―I would like to marry you.‖ To another it means, ―I want you to join my group of girlfriends/boyfriends.‖ While to another it could mean, ―You are beautiful/handsome, and I would like to enjoy you, though I am already married to someone else.‖ Another could mean, ―I just want to remove your virginity, because I specialise in that.‖ Yet another person saying I love you means, ―My wife/husband is away, can I have temporary entertainment with you?‖ To another person it means, ―I just want to play with you, please be my timepusher; until I find the right person to marry.‖ Another man/woman could be saying, ―I want to sleep with you and make you cheap, because you think you are special; then I will dump you‖.

For others it could mean, ―I like your

wealth‖. To others ―I love you‖ means, ―I want you to sing for my mother for the rest of her life‖. To others ―I love you‖ means ―I would like you to have eight children for me‖. And yet to others ―I love you‖ means ―I want you to go to the country side and take care of my ill mother, or take care of my ex‘s children.‖ It follows that, not all who say to you „I love you‟ mean it. What is your reason for getting into the relationship in the first place? What is the future plan for children, money, relatives, schooling, and career? Be sure, and avoid assumptions. A person can be handsome or beautiful; but can surprise you in future. So be sure on the onset. What is s/he up to?

More so, it is wise to know your personal goals of life before getting into a relationship. This helps you because your partner (fiancée), who in turn may become your spouse (life-partner), should have similar goals of life with yours. Who will lead the family? Is it husband leading, wife leading or half to half? Which church will you attend during courtship and after marrying? You can‟t take these things for granted, because I have seen people getting grounded by this. Many singles are frustrated today because they assumed

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that their partners meant the relationship for future marriage; when they actually meant something else. This explains why many singles cry foul to their fiancées: ‗I want to be married! Why are you delaying?‘ Now, for some, it could be genuine. They are delaying because they have no money etc, but for majority; sorry sister, he never intended to marry! He has just been having fun time with you. You assumed wrongly that he meant it for marriage. You should have asked and verified intentions!

Real Life Example 2.2: What should I do? Recently a lady posted on face book asking for help: ―My boy friend has just confessed that he has a child with his ex. To make matters worse, he is thinking of getting back to his ex. His mother doesn‘t like me, and he claims that he doesn‘t know what to do. What should I do?‖

If you were responding to her, what would you say? Well, majority of the respondents wrote ―this man doesn‘t love you anymore. Leave him and move ahead with life.‖ I partially agree with that notion. The point is - most people have hidden agenda in relationship. You therefore need to watch out.

Below is another true life story that emphasizes importance of verifying your lover‟s intentions before going far.

Real Life Example 2.3: Guy left with a Child

Recently I heard of a guy in a neighbouring country who fell in love with a beautiful woman. The woman got pregnant and gave birth to a handsome baby boy. The man got excited and broke the news to his fiancée: ―Now that you have given me a son, can we officialise our relationship in marriage?‖ to the man‟s utter shock, the fiancée said, ―Marriage! You are joking! I am not one of those women to be tied down in marriage by a man!‖ Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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What the guy thought was good news to the fiancée actually broke the relationship. As I write, the guy is single and he was left with the boy, while his fiancée went about enjoying herself. Imagine how many ladies are looking for such a man who is willing to marry and settle down! Yet to this woman, it was not an opportunity. This is a lesson to both men and women to always verify.

Summary

―Whatever you take for granted, will get you grounded‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

If you walk into a relationship or marriage, without an agreed clear picture; it can be disastrous. Never take chances; you live life once, and you need to maximise it. Remember, „trust your partner, but verify their intentions and actions.‟

Mistake Two: Unclear Purpose of Relationship

2.1 Why are you entering into the relationship? ________________________________________________________ _______ 2.2 If you marry, in whose surname will your children be? ________________________________________________________

2.3 If you marry, who will be head of family; is it husband leading, wife leading or half to half? ________________________________________________________ 2.4 Write down your expectations of a relationship before you enter it: ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________ _______________________________ ________________________________________________________

―Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single area of our lives.‖ ~ Anthony Robbins

―Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you, who will get you where you want to go, no one else.‖ ~ Les Brown

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MISTAKE THREE: NO SPECIFIC EXPECTATION

EXPECTATION By Wilbert R. Mutoko

High expectation breeds high mind preparation That in turn breeds enthusiasm What you don‟t expect, you don‟t respect Whatever you want badly Approach it boldly Be specific about it In no time you will hold it

―Whatever you don‘t expect, you don‘t deserve.‖ ~ Dr. David Oyedepo

You normally get what you expect. The dictionary defines expectations as: ―your strong hopes or beliefs that something will happen, or that you will get something that you want.‖ Many singles have no specific expectation of a life partner. When they meet a short guy, they think: „May be s/he is the one.‟ When they meet a tall one, they suppose, „I think this could be the correct one.‟ Another time they study with a slim folk, they assume, „Could this be Mr. /s. Right?‟ Then one moment they see a bulky chap, and they presume, „I think I have now arrived at the suitable partner‟. This style of doing things is confusing and leaves many bitter and stranded. It is a mistake that surely needs correction.

Praying Unfocused Prayers

―Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone

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who asks, receives; everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.‖ ~ Jesus Christ (NLT: Mathew 7:7-8)

Prayer without a focus is like a bullet fired to no particular destination. Will the bullet achieve any desired result? Obviously no! Many singles pray and hope to get a good life partner to relate with and marry, but they can‟t describe to you how the partner should look like – skin colour, height, body structure, character, literacy, profession, religion etc. This is one of the reasons why Many singles pray and hope to get a good life partner to relate with and marry, but they can‟t describe to you how the partner should look like – skin colour, height, body structure, character, literacy, profession, religion etc.

singles are stranded; they have no idea what kind of partner they are waiting for. They just wait and pray for any man or woman who is

good enough. Good enough to who? Nobody knows!

The Greatest Psychologist, Sociologist and Philosopher who ever walked on earth, King Jesus Christ said, ―You parents – if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not!‖ (NLT: Matthew 7:9-10). So if a child asks for bread, they get bread. If they ask for fish, they get fish. What if they just say they want something, without specification? They either get nothing, or they get any available food! If you are talking to a grocer‟s shop and you say, “Please bring me some fruits.” And the grocer gives you bananas. Would you say, “I thought you would bring me apples?” obviously not! If you wanted apples, you would specify, not just to order any „fruits‟. Therefore, we all must learn to be specific about what we want in life, including a desired partner.

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SUCCESS TIPS

―If you expect nothing, you are correct. If you expect a lot, you are again correct. You get what you expect. The choice is yours.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Only people who ask specifically will ever receive anything from God. Have you ever planned to buy a motor vehicle, and you don‟t have a model, colour, size, or year of manufacture in mind? Imagine how hard it can be to get a car that satisfies you! Even when you call a garage for a car, the salesman will ask you „what model and colour do you want?‟ Then you respond „Don‟t worry salesman. Just any car can do.‟ Will the salesman take you seriously as a potential buyer? Obviously NO! The salesman would obviously be more excited to help a client who knows what he really wants.

Real Life Experience 3.1 List of Qualities In case you don‟t know how to pray with expectation, here is an example of a poem that I wrote 3 years before I met my wife-to-be. By that time I did not have a fiancée. I was just enjoying preaching the Gospel as a youth. I was not even sure I wanted to marry.

I believe the best time to start writing a list of qualities for the person you want to marry is when your mind is not ready for a relationship or for marriage. It is equally the best time to start praying for your future life partner. That time you think properly because you have no pressure of feelings and no hurry to move on. By that time I was only 20 when I wrote the poem describing the wife-tobe. As grace had it, I only got into a relationship three years later, to the woman who is now my wife.

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Guess what, by the time I got into the relationship with Phillis, I didn‟t consciously see that the woman I proposed to was exactly as described in my poem. The poem was as follows:

The Wife-to-be By Wilbert R. Mutoko

She should be unique, Beautiful and active-minded, Should be a full, substantial Lady with human dignity

An unselfish and kind-hearted Lady with individuality A real precious apple of the eye, With a suitable complexion

I need to hear sweetness A sweet, golden voice From her fair lips so as To hearten myself

She should be educated, To some sort of higher level She should be full of humanity As well as hospitality

She should be of good blood One who loves and cares indeed She and I should be birds Of the same feathers

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A lady with a capability To bottle up my aggressiveness

One who can confide So that all good will be secret So that we live in a ferment Aware of any trouble maniacs

She should not be an extravagant She should detest gossiping Must be a true Christian Indeed full of faith

She must carry copious love Not one who needs to run fast To catch up with my great, golden love I shall share this love with a special someone

In the same manner, Phillis when she was still about 16 years old, she was taught by her pastor to write a list of expectations for a future husband. Interesting enough she kept the paper and prayed about its items up to the time we married. The list was like this:

I must see a vision before my future-husband approaches me; and My future husband should:Fear and love God more than anything Love me as he loves himself Faithful – not cheating Have slight (if any) difference in height and complexion See a vision before he approaches me Patient and long-suffering Accept me as I am Full of wisdom

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Now, to those who are close to Phillis and I, they know that the features in my poem, describe Phillis; and the features in Phillis‟ list describe me. God is indeed a match maker. But it started with solid expectation and focused prayers for both Phillis and I. ―If you expect nothing, you are correct. If you expect a lot, you are

Not everyone is to copy our kind of partner

expectation

lists.

For

again correct. You get what you

example, if you have never seen a

expect. The choice is yours.‖ ~

vision in your life, will you expect

Wilbert R. Mutoko

God to speak to you through a

vision? NO. God will speak to you in the way you easily understand. You are a unique being, therefore you should list what you want, the way you like and understand it. You don‟t have to wait until you are 20 like I did, to write a list of characteristics for your life partner. There is no harm visualizing and praying in time, say when you are still a teenager.

I have advised some friends to plan in advance and prepare money for dowry; but they disregarded my advice. But then when they came of age, and blood became hot; they felt in a hurry to marry, and they made mistakes which could have been avoided had they done preparation in time.

True Life Story 3.2 She Came with a Photo

Recently I got impressed by one girl who desired marriage. She came to my wife and I with a photo of herself. She said, “Please pray for me. I want to get married this year, but I don‟t have the partner yet.” Her photo showed lots of expectation. She borrowed a wedding gown and a crown from someone; put them on, and posed for a photo. What a good way of motivating her mind towards marriage!

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You can be sure that with this strong expectation, looking at her picture on the wall daily, meditation on God‟s Word, continuous mentorship, specific prayers, and good behaviour; and mixing well with others; she will soon attract Mr. Right.

True Life Story 3.3 Crazy Expectation about Marriage

Both Phillis and I had crazy expectation about marriage and having children. In our church there was a fund for helping orphans. This fund was raised monthly by children, through their parents, to donate to less-privileged children. Giving to needy people, especially orphans, is a sure way to provoke blessings. Even though I didn‟t have a child, for many years before I got a partner, and before I married; I was giving to the orphans fund in the name of a child called Peace Mutoko. I also gave tithes to God in Peace‟s name. This was in great expectation that when I marry, I would definitely have children, and my first born would be called Peace.

Just like I did, Phillis believed in giving on behalf of a future child; although she was not yet married and she didn‟t have a partner. For many years, she was giving tithes and orphan offerings for a future child by the name Praise.

Guess what, by the time we finally got into a relationship, and eventually married; we named our first child Peace and second one, Praise. It doesn‟t come as a surprise that our children are extra-blessed and ultra intelligent. The hand of God rests upon them in a special way. Why? We had great expectation for the future.

Real Life Experience 3.4 Dr. David Yonggi Cho Counsels a Spinster To support the above discussion, let‟s borrow the words of Dr. David Yonggi Cho in his book The Fourth Dimension Volume One – Discovering a New Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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World of Answered Prayer, pages 9 to 12: “Once I was the visiting preacher in a church, the pastor‟s wife invited me to the pastor‟s office. The pastor asked, „Cho, would you please pray for a lady?‟ I asked, „For what?‟ „Well, she wants to get married, and she still hasn‟t found a husband.‟ ... So in she walked a nice spinster over thirty years old. I asked her, „Sister, how long have you been praying for a husband?‟ She answered, „For more than ten years.‟ „Why hasn‟t God answered your prayer for these more than ten years?‟ I asked. „What kind of husband have you been asking for?‟ I continued. She shrugged her shoulders, „Well, that‟s up to God. God knows all.‟ If you say, „Oh God, bless me,‟ then God might ask you, „What kind of blessing out of over 8 000 promises do you want?‟ So be very definite.

„That‟s your mistake. God never works by Himself, but only through you. God is the eternal source, but He only works through your requests. Do you really want me to pray for you?‟ „Yes.‟

„Okay, bring me some white paper and a pencil, and sit down in front of me.‟ She sat down and...

To cut the long story short, this woman had remained unmarried because she had not been specific in her prayers for a husband. With the help of Dr. David Yonggi Cho she listed on paper, the characteristics of the husband she desired: Caucasian, tall, skinny, musical, schoolteacher etc. And she pasted the paper on her mirror. She read the ten points aloud every evening before sleeping, and every morning, and she praised God for the answer. In one year the woman got married to a visiting Caucasian, musical schoolteacher.” That is why Dr. David Yonggi Cho says, ―Do not say, ―Oh, God, bless me, bless me!‖ do you know how many blessings the Bible has? Over 8 000 promises! If you say, ‗Oh God, bless me,‘ then God might ask you, ‗What kind of blessing out of over 8 000 promises do you want?‘ So be very definite. Take out your notebook, write it down, and see it clearly.‖

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Summary

It is important for you to build expectation in your mind. Stop empty expectations in life. Expectation gives you focus and clarity. You will find it easier to get the right life partner.

Mistake Three: No Specific Expectation

3.1 Write a list of the qualities you expect in your life partner (feel free to add more to the list) Age:__________________________________________________________ Religion:_______________________________________________________ Profession:_____________________________________________________ Height:________________________________________________________ Skin colour_________________________________________________________ Race:_________________________________________________________ Slim or bulky:_________________________________________________________ Partner‟s hobby:________________________________________________________ Background:____________________________________________________ Origin:________________________________________________________ Qualifications:__________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

3.2 Now for those who are ready for marriage, put this information on a nice piece of paper or photocopy this paper and paste it on the wall of your bedroom and bathroom by the mirror. Read the whole list daily in the morning and before you sleep; then visualise your partner and praise God for the answer.

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“The Lord never welcomes vague prayers. When the son of Timaeus, the blind Bartimaeus came running after Jesus Christ, he cried, ‗Oh, thou son of David, be merciful to me.‘ Although everybody knew that Bartimaeus was asking for the healing of his blindness, Christ asked, ‗What do you want me to do for you?‘ Christ wants very specific requests. Bartimaeus said, ‗Sir, I want to see.‘ Jesus replied, ‗It shall be done unto you as you believe.‘ Bartimaeus opened his eyes.” ~ Dr. David Yonggi Cho

―Life‘s blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.‖ ~ Norman Vincent Peale

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MISTAKE FOUR: LYING AND HIDING PAST MISTAKES

‗‗You can‘t hide elephant horns, they will protrude‘‘ ~ Shona Proverb

The only thing you will forever remember is the truth. Lies are sweet, but easily forgotten. That‟s why if police criminal investigation department were to ask you a question; then they ask you the same question differently, if you are a liar, you will give different answers to the same question. Lying ruins trust in any relationship. Once you lose trust, it is difficult to re-gain it. A relationship based on lies is like a house of cardboard paper; which will not survive the tests and trials of life.

True Life Story 4.1 Nothing Can Be Hidden Forever

A happy marriage for ten years almost ended overnight. What had happened?

Alice had hidden some crucial facts about her life before marriage. Had Alice known, in the beginning she could have avoided future struggles, explanations, and countless counselling hours to save a marriage under attack.

It all started when Alice fell in love with Ben, ten years before. She kept it secret that she had a child with another guy by the name of Steven. So when she got married to Ben, they took in Nelly, Alice‟s daughter as if Nelly was her younger sister, yet she was actually Alice‟s blood daughter. Nelly was only five years old by then. For ten years, Ben never knew that Nelly was actually Alice‟s daughter, and not sister as purported. But because nothing is hidden forever, one day they went to the village, and one elderly lady spilled the beans – ―Ah! Your daughter has grown up Alice. How about the father, have you heard from him Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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ever since? Did you tell your husband, Ben, that you had a child with Steven, before marrying Ben?‖ This was said right in the presence of Ben.

Thus, the fire and fracas started and Alice almost lost her blissful marriage of ten years. Thank God for Pastors who had to intervene with prayers and counselling?

I think it is better to lose a person before a relationship, because you have told the truth, than lose a marriage when your partner finds out hidden issues about you. Prevention is always better than cure. Be careful what you keep a secret during courtship; some of the things will backfire in due course! Unless your partner is not interested to know, it is wise to tell all that happened to you – slowly though; not everything in one day.

Success Tips

―A lie cannot live.‖ ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

You don‟t necessarily tell all you have ever done in one day. Otherwise you scare your partner with too much information. But you need to purpose in your heart to expose your life bit by bit. The following true life story shows the trap of hiding facts in courtship. You might be thinking, ‗But I thought this book was about success in Dating and Courtship, and not on marriage! Why then is Wilbert writing stories on marriage?‘ May I remind you that this book is titled: ‗16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE – A Guide to Successful Dating and Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage.‘ In this book I am not just writing about general dating, but dating and courtship aimed at blissful marriage.

The purpose of teaching singles about ‗‗You can‘t hide elephant horns,

successful dating and courtship in this

they will protrude‘‘ ~ Shona Proverb

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case, is so they can have blissful marriages in future. This means that stories of failed marriages warn you to avoid mistakes committed during preparation for marriage. Such reference is made to help you prepare thoroughly, so you can enjoy blissful marriage like I and a few more people do.

True Life Story 4.2 They Divorced During Honeymoon After all had been said and done. Off, the new couple went for honeymoon – at a local five star hotel, expecting to rest and plan their future for at least five days. The pastors and relatives bade Casper and Abigail farewell as they drove away to the hotel. In the middle of the night Abigail‟s pastor woke up to answer a harsh and abusive call from Casper. ―Pastor, how come your spiritual daughter told me she was a virgin, but I have just discovered that she is ...?‖ The pastor was lost for words. He pinched himself to see if he was awake or it was just a bad dream. But alas! He was dead awake. His spiritual daughter, Abigail hid the truth from him and the congregation. She had actually stayed with a man for five years and was divorced for lack of bearing children. Now she had fooled everyone to think that she was an innocent, God-loving and faithful virgin girl; when in fact she knew that she had known another man for five years, hence she had long lost her virginity! Abigail kept it to herself thinking, ‗Now that I am born again, my past is over and I am a new creature. I guess this means even my virginity is renewed and I don‘t need to inform my fiancée about my past.‘ People had gathered half a day ago at Abigail and Casper‟s wedding. Now what?

The pastor tried to talk with Abigail on the phone in vain as she was just sobbing and crying. She only managed to say, ―I a-a-am s-s-o sorry. I was once married and that‘s when I lost my virginity. I am so-o-r-r-y please!‖ That phone call marked the end of the new (few hours) marriage! This is a true story, and all singles should take hid! Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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This is a story you cannot tell people when they are already married, because it can be too late. But it helps singles that are serious to get married, and not only marriage, but blissful – extremely happy marriage. Even though God has forgiven your past, your future partner is not God. S/he reserves the right to know the truth and decide whether to accept you as you are, or to leave you alone and look elsewhere before you even marry.

Summary

Lying is a good way to set a time bomb for your own personal destruction. Only the truth will set you free from misunderstandings and arguments in future. That is why a great man said, ―What you want people to know, they are not interested; what you are hiding is what people are searching for.‖ Many times, singles hide facts that work against them in future. Rid yourself against such self-traps by being open and transparent! Don‟t wait until someone will expose your bad past; why not expose yourself and gain trust in the beginning? Better lose a possible lover before marriage because you told the truth, than lie or hide the truth then get into trouble in future.

Mistake Four: Lying and Hiding Past Mistakes

4.1 Have you said the truth about your past? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ 4.2 What is it that you are hiding and if someone exposes after you get married, it can destroy your future? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

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―You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.‖ ~ Jesus Christ of Nazareth (John 8:32)

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MISTAKE FIVE: LACK OF MENTORSHIP

Get a Mentor By Wilbert R. Mutoko

If you desire success; Find a suitable Coach. Get a Mentor to lead you. Pour your heart out to him. Tell him the truth of your life. Share with him your passions. Alert him of your dream partner. Listen to him more than you talk. Before you know it, you are happily married.

"A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could." ~ Unknown

Many singles get into relationships without a coach or mentor. Lack of a mentor or guide or coach is the easiest way to fail in relationships. Can you imagine Tiger Woods becoming a golf champion without a coach? Can you imagine a powerful soccer team without a coach? Imagine Serena Williams playing tennis with no coach?

Life is complex. Why are you making life hard for yourself by playing the game of life alone, without a coach/mentor? Someone close to you has got the answers to your difficult questions. If you choose a mentor, the solutions to your problems, will easily appear.

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Our generation is morally sick; that is why people fail, particularly, in relationships. I have read or listened to many people being interviewed in the press:

Question: Who is your model or mentor? Answer: (Any of these) my mother, my father, my pastor, Robert Kiyosaki, or Barack Obama. Life is complex. Why are you making life hard for yourself by playing the game of life alone, without a coach/mentor?

The above interview precept makes sense, shows responsibility, focus and humility. It shows that there is nothing new under the sun. You can learn from

other people. But I have been shocked by some interviews which go as follows:

Question: Who is your model or mentor? Answer: myself

Honestly how can you be your own mentor or model? Do you mean you are all-in-all, you know everything, and you don‟t need anyone to guide you? So then how can you be successful without making terrible mistakes?

Success Tips

―An uncommon future requires an uncommon mentor.‖ ~ Dr. Mike Murdock

Most great people not only in relationships, but in life, business and career have become great because they have traceable mentors. Success teacher Jim Rohn was mentored by Earl Shoaff; Joshua was mentored by Moses; Elisha was coached by Elijah; Timothy grew up in ministry under Apostle Paul; Jerry Savelle was under Kenneth Copeland for thirty years before blossoming into personal fulltime ministry; Robert Kiyosaki was mentored by Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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The Rich Dad; Donald Trump was mentored by his biological father; and Bishop David Oyedepo is proud of having been raised by the late Kenneth Hagin Snr, Kenneth Copeland, and the late Arch Bishop Benson Idahosa.

Are you sure you really want to be great? Are you really sure? So, who are your mentors?

True Life Story 5.1 My Mentors I grew up under lovely parents – Mark and Irene Mutoko who taught me many things such as hard work; good manners; excellence at school; focus; avoiding alcohol, smoking and girlfriends at school-going-age. My dad and mum remain my greatest heroes for life.

However, for me to practically learn the essence of a peaceful marriage, anchored on God‟s word, I had to stay with my Godly cousin Bethrem and his wife Dorcas for several months. I learnt it from them that marriage is possible with respect and no-cheating. So many things that I had not quite understood when growing up were imparted in me during my stay with this loving couple. My mentors are one of the reasons why I am enjoying a blissful marriage.

A mentor is someone who has gone through your situation; and s/he can easily guide you through the process. Personally, I use the help of coaches, and I will forever be grateful for having them in my life. This is one of the reasons I am enjoying a life-long honey moon with my wife. It can happen to anyone, including you my dear reader.

My mentor warned me against traps before I got into a relationship with Phillis. He warned me that I had to read at least five books about marriage, before I married. He warned me against taking too long in a relationship without marrying. He also advised me to pray and fast months before wedding

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day. His advice worked and is still working like fire today. As for you, when did you last meet your mentor(s).

True Life Story 5.2 illustrates how Jones grew up without home mentorship, but he got it in a pastor‟s home.

True Life Story 5.2 It Surely Pays To Follow a Mentor

Jones grew up in a one-parent home, where he stayed with his brother and hard-working mother. He only knew his father by the time he turned 21. He grew up in bitterness as to why a man (his so-called father), could bear children and run away, to leave the family suffering. Jones was also discouraged about marriage when he saw the bad examples of marriage in his village. There was no single marriage that he could envy or learn from. So he decided at an early age that he was not going to get into a love relationship, neither was he going to marry.

Thank God for Jesus that arrested Jones when he was 22 years old. Seeing that God was calling him to become a pastor; Jones decided to move into a pastor‟s house to be mentored. ―I saw that I needed practical lessons on how to relate with opposite sex, how to marry, how to lead a successful home and ministry. So since I had not learnt such things in our home, and no school taught such things; I had to stay with my successful pastor to be mentored,‖ said Jones.

This decision which Jones made 18 years ago, to go for mentorship, is showing fruits today as he is happily married, has four well-groomed children, and he is the Senior Pastor of an ever flourishing church numbering over 3 000 members.

It surely pays to follow a mentor. You have no excuse

whatever.

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How many people fail in life and ministry today and blame their parents and background? They fail to realise that all of us can learn from our past, but what happens in our lives is a direct result of our thinking and actions. Getting mentorship as Jones did, is one way of ensuring success in career and life.

Mentors versus Advisors

"A coachable person understands and is mature enough to understand that a little hurt today is worth it for a lot of help tomorrow." ~ John C. Maxwell

An advisor is someone who gives you ideas that may or may not help you. An advisor mostly speaks things s/he has read or heard, but not necessarily experienced. S/he can also speak from experience, but that doesn‟t necessarily qualify them as a mentor. On the other hand, a mentor is your guide or coach. You can choose to follow them remotely, that is from afar, by reading their books or listening to their tapes. But many times, it is more effective to have a mentor you can see and talk to. The choice is yours.

Both mentors and advisors are crucial in life. Nevertheless, mentors are rare to find, but advisors are plenty. Anyone can be an advisor, but a mentor who can find? If you have a relationship/marriage mentor and you rarely consult him/her for help and guidance, s/he is an advisor, not a mentor. You should never take crucial steps without your mentor knowing. Same applies to your business mentor, academic mentor, spiritual mentor, financial mentor, and career mentor. All successful people have different mentors for each area of life. You have to build lasting relationships with your mentors for you to gain lasting success.

True Life Story 5.3 shows how Yolanda still got married after age 40 by following footsteps of a good mentor.

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True Life Story 5.3 She Got the Right Partner Even After Age 40

Yolanda came to Mother Doreen for counselling, a few years ago, at the age of 46. Her life was battered and shattered. Five years before she knew the Lord, her relationships were a mess. She had been abused by different men promising to marry her, but later dumping her. She was bitter and hopeless. Yolanda trusted Mother Doreen with her life, and took her as mentor. She said in tears, ―Mummy, my life is in a mess. I have chosen you as my mentor, because I desire your exemplary marriage. Please help me come out of this mess!‖

Mother Doreen prayed with Yolanda hours on end. She guided her step-bystep how she could still get the right partner even after age 40. She was not ashamed to say anything happening in her life. Yolanda could call and visit her mentor several times per week for updates and guidance. A year ago, she got married to a fine gentleman and they are happily married; and God blessed the couple with a set of twins. It was as if God gave the couple twins to cover up for lost time. Whatever Yolanda had tried to achieve by her own efforts, she got it faster with the help of a mentor.

I pray that your relationship and eventually your marriage will be one of the best! A mentor will help you avoid unnecessary pitfalls. There is nothing new under the sun; and you can‟t know everything by yourself. Locate a more mature person of same sex with you whom you can trust, and tell them everything about your life. Keep in close contact with the mentor, and you will never regret the success you will get from this simple wisdom.

Involve Family and Loved Ones in Dating & Courtship

For you to be successful and safe in dating and courtship, you should involve your parents and loved ones as illustrated in Expert Advice 5.4 below.

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Expert Advice 5.4 Dating is not an Individualistic Exercise Both single men and single women should be encouraged not to look at dating as an individualistic exercise. The entire process—from finding compatible people to date, to dating, to preparing for marriage—should be more of a community affair. Singles‘ parents, pastors, church elders, and friends should all take some responsibility here. (Kevin Offner, from Touchstonemag.com article “Courtship for Christians”). Know How to Tap Into the Grace of Your Mentors

―Your mentors have become successful without you; so they don‘t need you. You need them more than ever.‖ ~ Dr. David Oyedepo

You need to understand that, although you can help your mentor in one way or the other; your mentor has been successful without you, so do not beat your chest about it. Actually you are the one who needs help, not your mentor! This attitude helps you to approach your mentor with humility.

True Life Story 5.5 Who Doesn‘t Want Helping a Helpful Person?

Recently a young lady (Clara) mentored by Priscian, called Priscian that she wanted to come for counselling. Priscian had a lot of work to do, so she said to Clara, ―Sorry I am very busy. You can visit another time.‖ The simple reason why Priscian refused Clara‟s visit that day, is that Clara is lazy. She always comes for help only. Even after being given food; when Clara finishes eating she doesn‟t help removing and washing dishes. So Priscian knew that hosting such a person on a busy day meant she would postpone her work to attend to Clara. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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However, if Clara cared to help with work once in a while during visits to Priscian‟s house; Priscian could have allowed her to come on a busy day. The two would then do laundry together faster, while talking through some of Clara‟s problems. You can bet it, they would finish laundry faster and have time to talk more. Clara would also be blessed by Priscian for helping her. But alas! Clara is like many young singles I know, arrogant, lazy, and unhelpful. Guess the result; Clara and such other people get little help from mentors. Who doesn‟t want helping a helpful person? Mentors will surely help you more if they see you as a responsible single, not a parasite that expects spoonfeeding.

I have made it a point to service back my mentors. For example, I gave a free copy of my first book to my mentors who helped me publish it. It is in my nature never to take advantage of people. I would rather allow people to take advantage of me because God sent me to them. I am surrounded by advisors and mentors: legal, career, business, relationship, ministry, and spiritual etc. My desire is always to plant back something into my helpers‟ lives. Sometimes I give them money; sometimes I pray for them and help them otherwise. Time and again I am surprised by people who want help completely for free. They know how to keep wealth for themselves and will never honour the vessels used to help them. It won‟t work! Let me help you here! When is your pastor (spiritual mentor)‟s birthday? When is your boss (career mentor)‟s birthday? Last time when your mentor faced problems, how did you help? When did you last help your teacher (academic mentor) to carry piles of books? When last did you pray for your mentor? IN SHORT, FOR YOU TO GET BEST HELP FROM OTHER PEOPLE, YOU MUST BE INTERESTED IN THEIR LIVES. There is no pipe that transports water and remains dry. As the pipe carries water, it automatically becomes ever wet. Similarly, if you water (help) IN SHORT, FOR YOU TO GET BEST HELP FROM Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine 47 OTHER PEOPLE, YOU MUST BE INTERESTED IN THEIR LIVES.

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your mentors, your life will be nourished more. Are you watering your mentors, or you are a parasite? Who wants a parasite? No one! You can give your mentor money; help with physical work – for example, clearing grass at his/house, or helping to clean plates; buy them clothes, pray for them, or any other way possible. Many times a mentor will not charge you for guidance and help; but if you are wise, you will distinguish yourself from thousands of „parasites‟ that are helped by the mentor. Right now, is there a reason why your mentor will miss you and pray for you, or why s/he would sacrifice to see you on a busy schedule?

True Life Story 5.6 We Blessed our Mentor‘s Parent Years ago, one of my mentor‟s parents visited our town for the first time. When my wife and I saw him, our hearts were excited. We couldn‟t imagine, ―our own spiritual mother‘s father is around! Wow! What can we do to please him? He is also our father.‖ Though we didn‟t have much money, we quickly packaged a thousand bucks, a letter of appreciation, and we designed a certificate of appreciation for our mentor‟s father.

You should have been there when we handed our presents in. We received many blessings from our mentor‟s father, our mum (mentor) and from her husband. Will these three great people forget us? Do you think they will forget to pray for us? I beg to differ!

Good things don‟t just happen. We have excitedly blessed our mentors over and over again, and the results are amazing. Unfortunately, I see many people who think that by being our mentees, they are doing us a favour. Not so! We have been successful before the mentees, and life gets better without the mentees around because it means less work.

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I understand this because I know my own mentors don‟t need me. I am actually the one who needs them. When you grasp that, you will think straight, and you will do things differently. Favour will immediately become your name. If the advice I am giving here is making you angry, I am glad because i assume it will cause you to change. Don‘t Mix Up Things Alone, life can be tough and rough, but with a mentor, life gets simple.

I have seen many people who move from person to person seeking help.

Won‟t you get confused at the end? There is no harm in having a number of mentors, but you should be careful not to choose many mentors who speak completely different things and they end up confusing you or divulging your secrets to other people. For example, when I was a youth, I chose my cousin and his wife as my main mentors. Later they referred me to a pastor in the same church for mentoring, and I was getting same help, no new complicated ideas.

Some youths are lazy to work on their lives, so they go around seeking help from everybody! This is bad because you may get conflicting ideas on important issues of life. It is better to have a few specific mentors helping you; rather than too many advisors that confuse you with different teachings and beliefs. Summary There is no great person without a mentor. The best way to tour a place is by using a human guide or coach who has been to where you are going; rather than using guess work. There are people near you that are successful in relationships and marriage, choose one, preferably a man if you are a man, and a woman if you are a woman. Alone, life can be tough and rough, but with a mentor, life gets simple.

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Mistake Five: LACK OF MENTORSHIP 5.1 Who is your mentor in relationships? ______________________________________ 5.2 How often do you consult your mentor?____________________________________

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MISTAKE SIX: NOT CONSULTING THE MANUFACTURER OF HUMAN BEINGS

―The word of the Lord came unto me, saying, Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; And before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, And I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.‖ ~ Jeremiah 1:5 (KJV)

―Without a general, an army is lost.‖ – Greek Proverb

God is the designer of relationships. Without him relationships won‟t function well. Failure to consult God leads to many mistakes causing you to cry, ―Lord, the partner you gave me …‖, yet you know that you got the partner by yourself without consulting God. No matter what you do, life depends on God. The fact that you are breathing now, is just by His grace. Remember, God controls your oxygen; anytime He wants He can disconnect your oxygen, and you become history. Never be fooled by your achievements – relationship, academic, financial, career etc; God matters in your life. He loves you so much that He cares about your relationships and your future. Understanding God‟s importance in your life naturally translates to the fact that you need direct connection with Him. You need to establish a close relationship with God, so He gets interested in your affairs. Prayer and meditating on God‟s word is one way to maintain a good walk with Him. Maintaining a close walk with God results in Him giving you strength, wisdom, protection and support in life and relationships. According to Dr. David Oyedepo, ―You don‘t decide your purpose, you discover it. A belt can never serve as a neck tie. If you are a misfit, you suffer frustration.‖

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To connect with God for the first time, you do Activity 6.1 below:

Activity 6.1 Connecting with God

In case you are not yet born again, please pray the following prayer: ―Father God I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ. I know that I am a sinner, and I cannot help myself. Lord Jesus I believe you died for my sins, and on the third day you came back to life. Come into my heart Jesus and become the Lord of my life. Help me to live a life that pleases you. Thank you Lord; for saving me.‖

Congratulations!!! You are now a child of God. You are connected to the most loving and caring being on earth, Almighty God. From today, start attending a good Bible based Church. Buy a Bible and read it daily. Pray and grow spiritually through fellowship with born again Christians. God will now help you in relationships and everything.

Winning Invisible Battles First

―Wickedness is real; and forces of wickedness abound all around us today. But, I have good news for you, if you are a child of God: you can overcome all the forces of wickedness!‖ ~ Bishop David Oyedepo

Many times, people struggle to get married because of demonic influence. That is why Apostle Paul said,

―A final word: be strong with the Lord‘s mighty power. Put on all of God‘s armour so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.‖ ~ Ephesians 6: 10-12 (NLT).

Successful life is a result of victory over the enemy, over Satan and his demons. To succeed in life, you have to soldier on until you win all battles!

Obviously there are dangers of relating and marrying someone from a different religion or faith. It is wise to get someone you fellowship with so you will not get surprises in future. Success Tips

―Dance with God, He‘ll let the right person cut in.‖ ~ Unknown

God is your maker, whether you believe it or not. He is concerned about your welfare, and desires the best for you in your relationships. To quote the words of Jesus Christ,

―Ask and it shall be given unto you, knock and the door shall be opened, seek and you will find.‖ ~ Mathew 7:7

God will not necessarily choose a partner for every single, but he will direct you to a suitable person; particularly according to the qualities you have asked for from God.

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Conquer Evil Spirits

"Satan is not a fictional character or a figment of the imagination. He is a real spiritual being who has a specific agenda: to destroy people‘s lives and lead them to Hell." ~ Dr. Creflo Dollar

True Life Story 6:2 Jessica Conquers Evil Spirits

Jessica kept herself holy and virgin before the Lord up to the age of 33. People were mocking and laughing at her saying, ―She goes about preaching and praying, but she can‘t help herself to get married!‖ These mockeries only helped to strengthen Jessica the more. She kept on doing well and serving in God‟s vineyard. She went to her mentor – a more senior lady in the church that had a stable marriage. The mentor told her not to depend on anyone for deliverance. She had to fast and pray, to turn around her destiny.

Immediately, Jessica started prayer and fasting for three days. At the end of the three days, Jessica heard strange voices laughing, ―He he de! You will never get married! You have a spirit husband that you were given while you were a small girl! So forget any success in relationships! Just forget about marriage! Ha-ha-ha!‖

Immediately after the strange laughter, and queer words spoken in the air; Jessica knew that her warfare was far from over. She continued fighting the demons in prayer and fasting. She read more books on spiritual warfare written by her pastor. Prayers from her mentor and from her pastor prevailed; and at age 34, Jessica got married to a handsome young man. As I write, she Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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is happily married, and she has four lovely children. Glory to God, and shame to the devil forever!

Some good-looking singles wonder why no one has ever been serious to relate or marry them. It could be caused by evil spirits. You have to win against spirit husbands, spirit wives and other spirits that are against your progress, particularly against fruitful relationships; for you to enjoy relationships and eventually get married. For example, if you regularly have sex, or you eat food in your dreams; there is a possibility that an evil spirit is messing you up, and may delay your marriage and/or progress in life. Sometimes you can notice the trends in your clan of marrying and re-marrying among your aunties or uncles.

True Life Story 6:3 Saul Defeats Evil Forces

Some time back, one young man by the name Saul came to me for prayer and counselling. He knelt down and cried: ―Sir I have suffered enough. I cannot find a woman to marry. Every woman I propose love to will laugh at me. Even if one will agree to love me, within a month, she will say that she has changed her mind. The other problem is that there is a woman that visits me in my dreams at night to have sex with me. So every morning when I wake up, my manhood is wounded and painful. I am tired of this! Please help me!‖

On hearing his sad story, my heart was grieved and I was filled with compassion and prayed for him. I taught Saul how to fight demons, and he fasted for 14 days; while he read a book on spiritual warfare. That was the end of his affliction. I met him recently, and he was full of smiles. He said to me, ―Do you remember me? I am Saul. That guy you helped in 2002. This is my wife and two children. Praise God I am free!‖

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For the same reason, Jesus Christ once told the father of an epileptic child, ―This kind doesn‘t go, except by prayer and fasting.‖ It is a good idea to have a mentor helping you, then you locate scriptures of warfare, you pray and fast, well before you think of marriage. When you conquer any spirits troubling you, your breakthrough comes.

True Life Story 6.4 Multi-Sexual Behaviour Terminated

Over ten years ago, while I was still a school teacher, a school girl aged 16 came to me for counselling. She was beautiful and looked responsible, but her school performance was pitiful. She said: ―Mr. Mutoko, I need your assistance.‖ Tears and mourning. ―I cannot say ‗NO‘ to any man that proposes me. I can‘t say ‗NO‘ sir!‖ Tears and mourning. ―Any man - old or young, short or tall, dark or light in complexion, I just find myself accepting. I just say YES; but now I am tired. My sisters do the same, my mother does the same, and my grandmother did the same. Please I am tired!‖

Her story was heart-rending. We prayed together over a few weeks while she read books on spiritual warfare. From there she became a different person. She cut all the love relationships and started concentrating on school work. By the time she wrote her „O-Level‟ exams, she got straight „As‟ that surprised her relatives and friends. At first she had not known that her behaviour was caused by evil spirits of multi-sexual acts.

If you have the same problem, and you wonder why you fail to have a lasting relationship; you need to seek spiritual help near you, particularly from your pastor. I wish you the best and freedom at last.

I like Dr. Creflo Dollar‟s conclusion on this matter: ―The good news is that while Satan is real, so is God! In fact, God is more powerful than any demonic

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force in Hell. And when a Christian knows who they are in Christ, they can exercise authority over the devil and stop his works." Summary Seeking God‟s help is the wisest thing you can ever do to become successful in relationships. You cannot be wiser than God, the greatest of all relaters and lovers. Scriptures say, ―For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son ...‖ (John 3:16). God so loved, by giving His only... You can depend on him for directions. Sometimes you may not even know why you fail in relationships and/or marriage. You need to go ahead and attack any spirit responsible for the delay in your marriage. If you don‟t fight and mention the demons in prayer, you will never know that they are the ones causing your problem.

Mistake Six: Not consulting the Manufacturer of Human Beings 6.1 Are you seeking God‟s help? __________________________________________

6.2 When was the last time you fasted and prayed to God for guidance in your relationship? _______________________________________________________

6.3 Which scriptures are you using to pray for success in relationships and/or marriage partner? ________________________________________________________

"From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being." ~ Author Unknown Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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"Every Timothy needs a Paul; Every Ruth needs a Naomi." ~ Pastor Aaron Williams

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MISTAKE SEVEN: NOT PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE, WAITING FOR A RICH FIANCÉE

MY COMFORT ZONE By Author Unknown

If you're in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out, Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt. A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true. Reach for your future with a smile; success is there for you!

“A woman who is willing to be herself, and pursue her own potential, runs not so much the risk of loneliness, as the challenge of exposure to more interesting men - and people in general.” ~ Lorraine Hansberry

Some singles do not plan for a successful future, because they dream of getting a wealthy fiancée who will make them rich. Today there are many young men and women who write in newspapers, magazines or on the internet expressing a desire to locate a rich and successful fiancée; who will turn their fortunes around. Fact is; how many single and wealthy people are out there? How many singles are expecting to be lucky to get the wealthy fiancée? Can you afford to fold your hands and sit down without developing your life; waiting for a rich person some day? What if you get a Rich fiancée, but s/he is up to playing only? What if you never get the rich person at all? Are you after richies or personality? Will you call yourself a responsible person?

To echo the words of Dr. David Oyedepo: ―A successful life is not measured by the quantity of accumulated possessions, neither is it measured by popularity. Rather, it consists of the

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attainment of God‘s goals and purposes for one‘s life. Everyone who is born of God has a divine plan for his life.‖

Before you venture into relationships, what is your life plan? Why were you born? What sort of partner will fit into your vision for life?

When you marry someone for their Mercedes Benz, for instance, in times of crisis or physical abuse, the car will be parked and will never defend you. When you marry someone for what they possess, you become one of their possessions; and they can abuse you anytime. They can replace you with another possession similar to the way they could replace lawn mower. Do you want to be treated like that? When you touch a television, they say to you: ―Hey! Don‘t hurt my television! I bought this gadget when you were not there!‖

When you marry someone for what

they

become

possess, one

of

you their

possessions; and they can

Are you sure to drop your career and studies because of a relationship or marriage? Won‟t you regret tomorrow? What if you get into marriage and things don‟t work out as you thought, yet you

abuse you anytime.

threw away your career and destiny?

Success Tips

―Even the rich are hungry for love, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.‖ ~ Mother Theresa

Rich people also need to be loved from a good heart, not just from a heart of someone looking for money. Not from a fake heart! Not from a heart looking for goodies! Not from a gold-digger!

One of the reasons my wife and I enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage, is that we married out of true love and mutual understanding. It was not for money or Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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wealth because none of these was available. I married four months after college; and you can be sure there was no money stored anywhere. Therefore, I encourage you to make a conscious decision to relate, and then marry for the right reasons. There is no problem marrying a rich guy, but be sure to verify that s/he doesn‟t have other lovers and that you will not be his/her next toy.

It is wise to do all you can to develop yourself academically, financially, spiritually, mentally, career wise, and physically before courtship and marriage. Most successful people find it more comfortable to relate and marry like-minded people of their level in life.

More often than not, when successful people date or court lower-class prospects; they don‟t intend to marry, but to have fun. So you need to be careful who is dating you, and what level they are in life. I am sure you don‟t like to be the fiancée for „test drive‟, then when your fiancée wants to marry; s/he gets a different person. Eating Someone‘s Money or Goodies

There is no free lunch anywhere; you pay for it one way or the other. Many girls get stuck if they decide to quit a relationship, because they owe lover money or goodies. Asking for money and material possessions in a relationship is a sign of being a parasite; and I wonder how many people enjoy relating with parasites. Hid the words of Fortune Cookie who said: ―Be Careful. Bees with honey in their mouths can have stingers in their back.‖ This is illustrated in True Life Story 7.1 below:

True Life Story 7.1 She Had Eaten a Boy‘s Money and She Couldn‘t Pay Back

Mildred was deep in love with Job. However both of them were still in junior secondary school. That year I happened to be the chair person of Youth Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Fellowship at church. Those days I tried using force. I would threaten members of the youth that I must never find them in ungodly love relationships; otherwise ... In fact no youth was to date, until they were ready for marriage! But alas! Mildred and Job fell head-over-hills in love, and I was the only one who didn‟t know about their affair.

One day Mildred decided to quit the relationship, to walk upright with the Lord. That was the beginning of her problems. Actually it was the events that unfolded after her decision to quit the relationship with Job that caused me to know what was going on. I vividly remember; she came to me in tears saying, ―Chairman, please help. I am in trouble as my fiancée is demanding that if I am quitting our relationship; I have to pay back all the money I collected from him, and compensate him for the costs incurred when he took care of me.‖ I was shocked that, this „fine sister‟ had been misbehaving under my leadership, but now she needed my help.

That day I learnt that no one can ever force another to walk upright. Anyway, back to the story, I asked Job to write a list of all the money that our sister owed him, so I would pay him the money and free the sister to serve God. I was so pained in my heart that this sister was being forced to stay in an immoral relationship because she had eaten a boy‟s money and she couldn‟t pay back. It saddened me that some unscrupulous men take advantage of ladies who collect money and goodies when they are not married to the guy. They use the money spent on the girl as a hook to stay forever in the relationship. How sad!

Job went away and came back with no list. He just wanted to frustrate Mildred. And indeed he managed to frustrate her to hell, as she could not set herself free from the trap. Could I help her any further? Obviously no, I gave up! She had been „bitten by what she sort.‟

Don‟t be too cheap! A person good for marriage doesn‟t behave like a parasite. Try as much as you can to avoid consuming lots of money from Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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your partner before marriage; lest you get trapped if you decide to opt out of the relationship.

Think Point 7.2 Rich Man wanted!

Here is a newspaper excerpt: ―Rich Man wanted!

I am a beautiful 25 year-old lady looking for a 45 to 70 year-old rich man who is ready to settle down. He must be serious, loving, caring, and handsome. He should have many luxurious cars, houses, and must love travelling. He must also have lots of cash and investments. Additionally, he should love cooking and doing household chores.‖

What is your opinion of the woman in this case? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Would you think the woman in question is serious about long-term loving relationship and stable marriage? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Consider the following example as well:

Think Point 7.3 Sugar Mummy Urgently Needed!

Here is a newspaper excerpt:

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“Sugar Mummy Urgently Needed!

I am a 24 year-old man looking for a rich, independent and self-sufficient woman who is ready to marry. Her age should range from 45 to 75 years. She must be, loving, caring, and beautiful. She should have her own cars and accommodation. She should be a good cook; and a lover of fun. Willingness to share money and resources is a must; she must not be stingy.‖

What is your opinion of the man in this case? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Would you think the man in question is serious about long-term loving relationship or marriage? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Summary

It is important for you to have personal goals for life. Avoid living today with only one useless aim – waiting for a rich man or woman to marry you. Be responsible, and work on your life. Nobody likes to relate or marry a parasite waiting to receive only and never give.

Mistake Seven: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiancée

7.1 What are your personal goals? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ _______________________________________

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7.2 What is your career? What are you doing to be better in your career and life? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

―Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody‘s going to know whether you did it or not.‖ ~ Oprah Winfrey

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MISTAKE EIGHT: TRYING TO ESCAPE LONELINESS

IT'S UP TO ME By James J. Metcalfe And I remind myself that I Am capable and free, And my success and happiness Are really up to me.

―A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere.‖ ~ La Rochefoucauld

Thinking that getting into a relationship will remove loneliness is a grave mistake. Many singles make this mistake, only to realize that they get into courtship and eventually marriage, but they remain lonely.

Loneliness can be defined as the unhappiness that is felt by someone because they do not have friends or anyone to talk to. It is more a problem in the mind than anything else. You could still be among loved ones, but feel lonely. However, under normal circumstances, you should feel comfortable whether with others around, or by yourself.

Think Point 8.1: Comfortable Without a Girlfriend ―I don‘t have a girlfriend. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a fiancée. But when I look at my friends and they are having heartache, I think it‘s nice to be single. Let me grow up until I am close to marriage, then I will get into one good relationship. For now I need to concentrate on school and developing myself – spiritually, mentally, financially and socially.‖ Tom G. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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What is your opinion on Tom‟s decision to stay single until when he is ready to marry? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Success Tips

―Pray that your loneliness may spur you into Start by accepting

finding something to live for, great enough to die

and loving yourself

for.‖ ~ Dag Hammarskjold

first, before you try loving

another

person. Loneliness is usually caused by failure to accept and appreciate self. It could be because when you grew up, you never experienced love; maybe you were belittled, and verbally or physically abused. Parents, peers or teachers may have negatively impacted on you by telling you, ―You are good-for-nothing, ugly and dumb.‖ If you believe such prophecy of doom, then you find it hard to accept yourself worthy of good things. Brendan Francis said it well: ―At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.‖

Here is a magazine excerpt to illustrate dangers of loneliness:

Real Life Experience 8.2: Losing Interest

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Losing Interest I have been dating my girlfriend for four years but she‟s so negative about her looks. She always talks about how other girls are more beautiful than she is – it‟s making me lose interest although I do love her. Bertha

Sis Pinkie Answers Dear Bertha. I can imagine your frustration. It seems as if your girlfriend has poor self-image. With love and support she can overcome this lack of confidence. You can‟t counsel her on this issue, but you can be honest with her and let her know how you feel about the current state of your relationship.

Encourage her to seek professional help. Good luck!

This lack of self-acceptance and self-esteem may fail you in any relationship you try, as illustrated above. You therefore need to accept yourself as worth living. You could do this by building a relationship with God, read the Bible, pray, read motivational books, seek counsel from professional counsellors and pastors.

You need not be arrogant, but appreciate and value yourself. The Bible says that you should love your neighbour as you love yourself. It therefore follows that you will find it hard to love and appreciate others when you don‟t love yourself. Start by accepting and loving yourself first, before you try loving another person.

To deal with loneliness, you should love, value, and accept yourself. I am one person that used to experience loneliness, many years ago. Even at a party with friends or with family members I would feel out of place. But from the time I learnt to appreciate myself; when I learnt that I was born for a purpose, loneliness left me for good. It‟s one thing to be alone and yet another thing to be lonely. Loneliness can happen even when you are in the midst of others.

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It is a mistake to decide going into a relationship, or marriage to avoid loneliness, because you may find that when your spouse or fiancée is there, you can still be lonely and bored. You therefore need to work on your selfesteem before venturing into a relationship.

It is a mistake to decide going into a relationship, or marriage to avert loneliness, because you may find that even when your spouse or fiancée is there, can still be lonely and bored.

Expert Advice 8.3 WOMEN — BEWARE OF THE LIE WOMEN — BEWARE OF THE LIE: When I find a man and get married, I will finally feel happy and complete. If that‘s true, why

are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man— especially one who is not God‘s best for you—will even come close. When the excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were single. By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very best man that God wants to give us. (Julie Ferwerda, from Crosswalk.com article ―9 Lies Women Tell Themselves about Men‖)

You have to learn to appreciate and love you, before you get into any serious relationship. If you take you for granted, you will always assume that everyone you meet takes you like trash.

Many people can do anything to lure you into a relationship, and marriage. Forewarned is forearmed:

Expert Advice 8.4: Do not compromise. Don’t compromise. Funny what loneliness can do? People with whom we have nothing in common — and sometimes hardly like — are suddenly attractive. We can even convince ourselves it‘s unreasonable for God to make us wait for physical pleasure. But anytime we push ahead of Him, either by Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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trying to force a dubious relationship or misplacing our moral compass, we‘re like the Prodigal, sifting through slop when we could revel in riches down the road.

(Carolyn MacInnes, from the Boundless.org article, “In the

Meantime: What to Do While Waiting on God”).

Loneliness can be disastrous. Every person needs to love and understand themselves first before moving into a relationship. Summary

If you are lonely before a relationship, you cannot be happy in the relationship. So work on your self-esteem before getting into any relationship. Love yourself, appreciate self, accept and forgive yourself for previous mistakes. You are only human, and you are prone to make mistakes. Now decide to move on with life. There is a bright future ahead of you.

Mistake Eight: Trying to Escape Loneliness

8.1 Do you love and accept yourself? ________________________________________________________ 8.2 Which book are you reading to improve your self-esteem? ________________________________________________________

―It is of practical value to learn to like you. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.‖ ~ Norman Vincent Pearl

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―If you are lonely before marriage, you will remain lonely in marriage.‖ ~ Dr. Myles Munroe

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MISTAKE NINE: GRANTING A FIANCÉE YOUR BODY BEFORE MARRIAGE

Why? By Wilbert R. Mutoko

Do you enjoy eating an unripe orange? Why eat a green orange before time? How come you kill what you eat not? As a snake kills a rabbit, And leave it unconsumed! Man, why fondle or sleep with a lady, Whom you haven‟t officially married?

Woman, why give your body to a man, That is not officially your husband? Why should you be cheap and cry, When tomorrow you are dumped? As a cow goes for slaughter, You are led into a secluded place, As if you know not what awaits you!

In case you were taken advantage of, Weep not and despair not. „Once beaten, twice shy‟ God will forgive your mistakes, But will you repeat the same errors? Surely you ought to be wiser, And keep yourself, for your One and only future husband/wife!

―It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.‖ ~ Matt Barry Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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One of the biggest mistakes singles make is allowing their partner to touch, kiss, fondle or sleep with them before marriage. You see a lady going into a guy‟s room, and by the time she leaves the room, she is putting on different clothes. Just that behaviour, causes your fiancée to doubt your legitimacy. He will assume that your boldness to remove clothes in his presence shows you have done it before other guys. He could go ahead and enjoy you, but knowing pretty well he will never marry such a cheap person. Very few men are willing to pay bride price or dowry, and accept responsibility for any pregnancies after staying or playing with you „free of charge‟. Many singles are bitter because they feel they were „used‟ by their partners, and later got dumped.

Multi-Sexual Relationships

―Whoever loves wisdom makes his father rejoice, but a companion of harlots wastes his wealth.‖ ~ Proverbs 29:3 (KJV)

Another terrible tendency by singles is being in „love‟ – correctly termed LUST with multiple partners. It can‟t be called love, because when you truly love, how would you share your heart with several people. I remember one lady who said, ―I have two hundred partners. Some are for airtime, others partying, clothes, cars, money etc‖ What a shame! Do you think such a lady is thinking of settling down one day? Obviously a big NO!

Success Tips

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no.'" ~ Woody Allen

The issue is simple; a man will trust you, pay bride price, and stick to your heart, when he sees that you are firm; and you won‟t allow him to touch you or Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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play with you before marriage. Every man is looking for such a serious woman, who reserves her body for his one-and-only-man, who is committed to follow expected marital procedures; not someone who is out to „eat you‟ and run away without paying.

Similarly, every lady is looking for a man who will keep himself pure for her alone. Nevertheless, both men and women should be careful not to fall into hands of predators. Even in churches, there are men or women who live wayward lives, but they come to church looking for honest partners. Usually God will allow a fake woman or man looking for a partner to locate a fake partner without knowing. Importantly, if you fall in love with the wrong person, and it doesn‟t work out; you are at an advantage if you have not been sexually used in the process. My advice is: no matter how much you think you are in love; you must never do what married people do, before you are officially married. Before you marry, never give your partner privileges that are only found in marriage. If you have been used and you fall away, it leaves scars of pain.

Think Point 9.1 below, a lady who was firm in keeping her integrity: Think Point 9.1: Lame says, ‗He Wanted to Sleep with Me‘ ―I went out with this guy for four months. I loved him. Then he asked me to sleep with him to prove that I love him. And I said if he wants me to prove my love by sleeping with him, we better break up. And we did. But my heart was broken.‖ ~ Lame T. 9.1 What do you think about Lame‟s situation? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ 9.2 Did Lame do the right thing to break away from the guy?__________________________________________________________ Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ 9.3 If you were Lame, what would you do?___________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Playing with a partner who hasn‟t yet paid bride price, and hasn‟t followed all noble procedures, is just like allowing a client to eat food in your restaurant on credit for several months. When you finally demand your money, the payer (partner) feels pain. It‟s as if they are paying for nothing because they have forgotten how delicious the food was. They would rather go and buy fresh food somewhere for cash (that is, look for a virgin somewhere else) and leave you crying.

Always remember that you will not be young forever. Many singles waste their lives when they are young and beautiful or handsome. Before they know it, wrinkles start showing up and they begin to panic; then they seriously start looking for a man or woman to marry. That can be too late! It is wiser to keep yourself for one man or woman; and decide that you enter courtship for marriage, than for fun. You don‟t touch naked electric wires for fun; they may take your life! Fornication or Adultery The major cause of divorce is fornication, rather than adultery. That is why Jesus said: ―And I say unto you, whosoever shall put away his wife, Is it not crazy

except it be for fornication, and shall marry another,

for teenagers

committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put

to date and

away doth commit adultery.‖ (Matthew 19:9, KJV)

experience intimacy?

Is

datingFree not for book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine 75 people ready to marry?

Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Fornication is sex before marriage. Adultery is sex during marriage, with someone who is not your partner. Jesus placed fornication as the cause for divorce, because of breach of trust. The main cause of divorce is not what is happening during marriage, but what happened before marriage. If you are a fornicator before marriage, you will more likely be an adulterer during marriage. If you remain pure before marriage, you will more likely remain pure during marriage. Is it not crazy for teenagers to date and experience intimacy? Is dating not for people ready to marry? Personally, I made it a point that I never slept with my partner until after marriage ceremony. It has helped me because right now we enjoy a sweet, stress-free marriage. My wife has never had sexual intimacy with another man apart from me, and vice-versa. No one knows everything, and I am not trying to sound perfect; I am just trying to sound a warning bell to the young singles who have never known a man or woman. Keep yourself clean, and you avoid unnecessary future heartaches. To those who have already made a mistake I say: „Go and sin no more.‟

The Bible says, "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body" (1 Corinthians 6:18, ASV). We are not to play with fornication, but flee it.

Summary

No one will ever force you to make changes to your life. I have no right to tell you what to do; but my duty as a Counsellor and Pastor is to encourage you to think of changing for the better. In case you had already lost virginity or you have been cheated, abused or dumped; this is not the end of life. You are so precious before God and I. There is yet another chance coming your way. This time, be careful not to fall prey again. Keep yourself and protect yourself. Your destiny is in your hands. I wish you the best. Always remember - God loves you and so do I. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Mistake Nine: Granting Your Fiancée Your Body before Marriage 9.1 Is your body safe? ________________________________________________________ 9.2 Who are your friends? Do they encourage you to keep yourself until marriage? ________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________

―You are what happened when I wished upon a star. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.‖ ~ Jonathan Carroll

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MISTAKE TEN: FALLING IN LOVE WITH A PERSON FROM A DIFFERENT BACKGROUND A MAN‘S DEEP CRY By Wilbert R. Mutoko

One man said: ―I am applying for divorce! My wife is the wrong one! I am tired of cooking for her And doing household chores‖

What a sad scenario? This man married a wife, And suffered silently 10 years Because of background difference

He should have researched Well before marriage; And decide if he would manage; To stay with a woman from abroad

Beware! Divorce is like amputation! You never remain the same! Always apply a background check, Before going far with a relationship

―Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It‘s not something you learn in school, but if you haven‘t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven‘t learned anything.‖ ~ Muhammad Ali

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Many singles choose partners without a thorough background check, and that results in terrible misunderstandings. For example, in some cultures, women cook and do household chores, while men go hunting, or support the family. In some cultures, it is the men who cook, even though they go to work. If you are ready to do what is not in your culture, fine. But if you find it hard; why even enter into a relationship; let alone try marriage? There is an African saying ‗marry from your neighbourhood‘. Our forefathers emphasized that no one was to marry someone from far away. Parents insisted that their children were to marry in well-known families. Before telling your parents that you were dating someone, you would better make sure that the person is from your neighbourhood. Otherwise parents would give an outright NO to your proposal. This custom helped, because people in the neighbourhood knew each other‟s weaknesses and strengths. This custom is illustrated below:

Real Life Experience 10.1 Dating and Marrying in the Neighbourhood

My paternal grandfather dated and married from the next village. His marriage was very strong and full of sweetness. Similarly my maternal grandfather dated and married from a nearby village. His marriage was also very exemplary up to the time the two were separated by death. My father also dated and married in the same village. Therefore my father and mother‟s families knew each other very well. These three examples of dating and marriage contributed immensely to my positive outlook on marriage. In all the above examples, each of my grandfathers only married once and never married second or third wives. They had stable and happy marriages for all their lives. In the same way, my father had one wife (my mum) up to the day he left the world.

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This does not in any way suggest that my fore parents didn‟t have the slightest challenges in marriage. But their marital successes were caused by courtship, and eventually marriage within their surroundings.

In those olden days, you were not allowed to go to a faraway place and marry there, because parents were afraid of unpleasant surprises. For example, if you didn‟t know a person well, it was easy to marry from a family of witches, robbers, lazy people, ungodly folks or people of strange customs.

On the contrary, nowadays people date and marry anyone from anywhere. I think this is one of the major causes of relationship fights, break-ups and divorce. Many singles make dangerous gambles or experiments on their lives, which were easily avoidable in the olden days, when you had to date or marry from a known family.

Real Life Experience 10.2 In my case In my case, I didn‟t date and marry from my village. Rather I dated and married Phillis from a far away village and province, though in the same country. At first my parents were displeased with my decision to marry from a family they didn‟t know. More so that Phillis‟ village is from a different part of the country, whose culture my parents were not too sure of.

However, during courtship period, Phillis met my family several times. I also interacted with her family many times before marriage. Furthermore, Phillis and I shared many things in common. Our biggest similarity was the spiritual aspect. Both Phillis and I were, and are still great lovers of God. We were, and are still going to the same church. She was a Pastor and I was an Evangelist. She likes being open and transparent, and so do I. No wonder both our families eventually gathered in support of our marriage and wedding celebrations. They have never regretted once for supporting us.

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Guess what! Up to this day, our parents are proud of my wife and I.

Even though we came from different parts of the country, Phillis and I had a lot in common. We will never regret our decision, with God‟s help to marry. So I suggest that if you are from different places, but you are in serious love; make sure there are some clear similarities that tie the two of you; lest you have a nightmare of a marriage in future.

True Life Story 10.3 Theresa Marries a Lion in Sheep Skin

Theresa grew up in the white garment apostolic sect of religion. She was a well-behaved girl that loved God and honoured parents. When she turned twenty five years, she got worried that all her friends were already married; but there she was just walking alone without a partner. Make matters worse, no man had ever said to her ―Hi, I love you‖. She asked herself, ‗Is it that I am not beautiful enough? Is it that my manners are lacking? Elders say that religious girls should not relate with or marry an unbelieving guy; but why is it that boys at church don‘t see me? Will I ever get married? Would a nonbeliever be a wrong choice for me?‘

Unfortunately, Theresa could not find quick answers to the questions she asked herself daily. One day she met this new guy in church, Zacks. Zacks had just come from a faraway place and was a „prophet‟. Many people liked him for his „gift of prophecy‟. He seemed to know many things about people‟s past, present and future.

Within two weeks, Theresa had fallen head-over-heels in love with Zacks. What she didn‟t know was that Zacks had been a full-time drunk, smoker, and womaniser until the time he decided to join the apostolic sect two weeks before visiting Theresa‟s village. Zacks‟ mission was simply to marry a „nice‟, God-fearing lady who could take care of his family. He was not up to worshipping God at all. He was a „lion-in-sheep-skin.‟

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Zacks was aware that in the apostolic sect there was no dowry to be paid when marrying. Men were expected to buy lots of sugar, tea, bread and butter. Relatives would then gather, eat and celebrate; then the son-in-law would walk away with his wife. Because Zacks didn‟t have money to marry, he thought, ‗If I become a fake prophet and join the apostolic sect church; I will marry for free.‘ So he did and took away Theresa to his village far away. To her utter most disgust, when they got to Zacks‟ home place, within two months, Theresa‟s new husband told her in no uncertain terms, ―No more prayers in my home. Understand! I am tired of this God, God thing! If I hear you praying, you are in for it! As a matter of fact, from this day forward, you will no longer go to church. I want you to help me brew some beer to appease my ancestors.‖ This was the worst story in Theresa‟s life. She thought to herself, ‗I am in trouble now because I married a strange man, from a place I didn‘t know. But I thought Zacks was a prophet! I wrongly assumed he was a true man of God! I just agreed to marry him without doing a background-check. Hey! I am finished! What do I do now; I am pregnant with this idiot‘s child. Hey! Is this marriage or a joke?‘

Unfortunately, it was too late for her. She decided to pray in silence, and obey her husband. Zacks started drinking beer like never before; many times he slept out, and came back home after two days. He never supported the family financially, and so, Theresa had to do lots of menial jobs to clothe and feed the children. The last time I saw her, she was pregnant with the seventh child. Very true and sad story!

If you don‟t want trouble in future; never assume anything. Make sure you understand what you are putting yourself into.

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assume that your man will change. Talk about it before going far, and remember that he can just say to you, ―Don‘t worry honey, I will change.‖ But in reality, many people rarely change. Get ready to adjust in case s/he doesn‟t change.

Similarly, in some places, a man marries and sends his wife to the countryside (rural area) to till the fields, and take care of his aging parents. Don‟t take this for granted either. Will you manage it? If you can‟t manage, don‟t go far with that kind of relationship.

Success Tips

―The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man.‖ ~ Cicero

The problem with most singles is that as soon as they get into a relationship, they are already thinking and exploring kissing and sex. Wrong foundation! Take time to know each other (in open places), where the unexpected doesn‟t happen. In case you go to a private place, have a third person, for your security. Make sure you understand each other‟s backgrounds, and you are willing to adjust where possible.

Consider the following scenario:

Real Life Experience 10.4: I Love White Guys

I Love White Guys I am a mature lady and I want to be married to a white guy. I‟m much more attracted to them than men of my own race. Can you help me? Elizabeth

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Auntie Georgina Answers Inter-racial relationships are becoming quite common world-wide. We all have our opinions and personal tastes when it comes to marriage and dating. It‟s important that you don‟t allow race to stand in the way of your happiness. A word of advice, sister – be prepared to face social pressure because some people are not open to change. This is a choice you need to make; look at what matters most to you, and don‟t focus on other people‟s expectations. Good luck with your search.

The scenario in Real Life Experience 10.4 is very common nowadays. People want short cuts to finding life partners; so they try to get partners by remote means such as radio, newspapers, and internet. To a lesser extent it has helped some people. But for the majority, it has brought untold frustrations. So be warned to do enough research; this is your life!

Effective Dating

I think the best way of dating is observing your targeted partner without him or her knowing what is happening; because the moment you tell someone that you love them, they start compromising their true character to please you. They can temporarily change their manners or dressing to suit you; then when you finally marry them, they show you their true colour. You might get the shock of your life, after you finally say, ―I do. I do.‖

The story below is a good example of successful dating:

True Life Story 10.5 Joel and Charity‘s Successful Dating Joel dated his girl Charity without her knowing. She revealed her true character without knowing Joel was watching and following her. Their backgrounds were the same, she had a college diploma and Joel had a

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diploma. Charity came from a not-so-rich family, and so did Joel. She had lived most of her life in the country-side, and so did Joel. Charity is a very kind and loving person, non-selective when helping the despised people in society, and so does Joel. Charity is dark in complexion, and so is Joel (so no one of them will one day say, ―You are so dark‖). Both of them are strong Christians with a heart for sincere service, and they served and still serve in the same denomination, and same assembly.

All these similarities, I believe have helped Charity and Joel to work on few differences. As a result, they are enjoying a great marriage. I have a story similar to that of Charity and Joel, and I believe that you are next to give an even better testimony than ours!

Think Point 10.6 Our Own Dating

If you are a strong Christian, it is best to relate with, and marry someone from your faith, preferably from the same assembly. Endeavour to relate with someone who prays and is as spiritually strong as you are. For instance, when I proposed love to Phillis, I always talked about Jesus and witnessing. Even when I married her, I would spend two to four hours per day praying. Imagine how hurtful it could have been if Phillis didn‟t believe in what I believed; or if she was not used to someone who is always overexcited about God! When you are from same background, the whole process from dating to marriage will be simple, because you agree in many aspects of life.

As depicted in Think Point 10.6 above, if you are a strong Christian and you relate with and finally marry a lukewarm person; your faith will be quenched by your partner‟s different beliefs and attitudes. Consequently, if you believe in worshipping ancestors or you are an atheist, I advise you to get someone like you. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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I can imagine the trouble many people have in relationships because of their partner‟s different beliefs and habits. For instance, your partner is always attending church events, and you want her home to drink beer with you. Or you stay at home, but your partner goes to the night club every day, and comes home midnight! Such chaos can be avoided before you even get into the relationship.

Have you seen the family and parents of your partner? Do you fit into the system? Do they really accept you? Actually, most churches will not wed you if your parents or in-laws don‟t accept the marriage proposal.

Expert Advice 10.7 We Were Simply Good Friends. Here is what Tom Brown says: Satan tried to get me involved in wrong relationships with different girls. Oh, they were so pretty! But they weren‘t born-again, Spirit-filled girls. I knew God had called me into the ministry, so I realized my choice for a wife was critical. None of the girls I liked were interested in being a preacher‘s wife. Satan almost got me on several occasions. One girl, who was drunk at the time, said to me, "Tom, with you being religious and all that, and me being such a sinner, we would make a good couple." Yea, sure? When I met Sonia (the lady Tom finally married) at church, I asked her to play tennis with me. We saw each other every week at a nursing home that we ministered at church together. We went out a couple of times. In all those months, we never saw each other as idols. We were simply good friends (Tom Brown, from the article We were simply good friends).

Imagine what could have happened to Tom if he had chosen the wrong partner! What could have happened to him if he had chosen to marry one of

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the drunken ladies who proposed love to him! But Tom chose to marry Sonia from Church to avoid unnecessary clashes in future. Life is real; so I advise you to take care in choosing the right person. Crucial Indicators Any man that hurts and abuses any women, including his mother, sisters, class mates or work mates, ex girl friend or ex wife; will most likely not make a good partner, husband or father. If he doesn‟t show mercy and kindness to other women; it is most likely that he will not show mercy or consideration to you. An abusive person is most likely abusive in many ways. Don‟t fall into his trap. He may smile today, but one day you will see the opposite. So before you commit your life to a man, get a chance to listen and see how he treats women in different circumstances. Similarly a woman that disrespects her father, brothers, male work mates etc; will most likely not honour her partner. If she doesn‟t care about her own relatives, chances are, she may not care for you. Open your eyes and see where you are going; and what you are putting yourself into. Summary A person from your background spiritually, culturally, mentally, regionally, and possibly financially, makes a good match; of course subject to other considerations. The choice is yours. Mistake Ten: Falling In Love with a Person from a Completely Different Background 10.1

Do you know the background of your partner to be?

________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ 10.2

Write a list of the qualities you want your future partner to

possess

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______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

―Action distinguishes winners from mere talkers. Act now, or regret tomorrow.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

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MISTAKE ELEVEN: LACK OF PREPARATION ―But don‘t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first getting estimates And then checking to see if there is enough money to pay the bills? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of funds. And then how everyone would laugh at you! They would say, ‗There is the person who started that building and ran out of money before it was finished!‘‖ ~ Jesus Christ (Luke 14:28-30) [NLT]

―The single years of a man‘s development is designed of God to be a season of laying a solid foundation for a great life of exploits. A foundation that will equip you for a life that makes a notable difference to your world.‖ ~ Faith A. Oyedepo

Have you ever been on a long journey, but you didn‟t have time to prepare for it? What is the likely result? You might forget your travel documents, you board the wrong mode of transport, or you fail to reach destination on time. How many years does it take for a doctor to finish medical studies? From primary school to completion of medical degree, it‟s about 20 years. How about an engineer? S/he takes approximately 17 years.

People take years preparing for their desired careers. But very few take time to prepare for relationships and marriage. Some take months preparing for wedding celebrations, yet they don‟t prepare for marriage itself, which is more important.

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but they don‟t teach developing meaningful long-term relationships. Homes also rarely train children about relationships and marriage. So if you don‟t read a minimum five books before a relationship and marriage; how do you expect success?

Is it any wonder that relationships and marriages fail daily? Lack of preparation is the worst enemy of relationships and marriage.

Success Tips

―If anything is crucial to you; you make effort to prepare for it.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Anything you do without thorough preparation is bound to fail.

Most singles get into relationship with little or no preparation. No serious person drives a car without first going to get a licence. Before you get a driver‟s licence, you learn how to drive and control a vehicle, road signs, how to observe mirrors etc. If you drive without a licence you endanger your vehicle, your life, lives of passengers and lives of other road users. Imagine how dangerous you are when you enter into a relationship (and/or marriage) without mental preparation. Won‟t you be a danger to hearts of people around you, to children and your partner?

It is sad that a medical doctor spends 20 years in school learning a career which he can stop anytime if he feels so; yet people date, court and marry without reading a single book, or attending a seminar on courtship and marriage. Unbelievable, bearing in mind that marriage is forever!

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Find Out About Ex

―Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener‖ ~ Wiseman

Many people just go into relationships and marriage without serious considerations. They just say „love is blind‟, but they wake up in abusive relationships and marriages. It is crucial to do all due diligence before going far. Relating with or marrying a divorcee without consulting the divorcee‟s ex is risky. It is necessary to establish why they divorced in the first place. You find a wise way to get the information from the ex himself/herself. Some people hide the fact that they are still seeing their ex; and sometimes they are not even divorced. Find out more. Some men or women lie that they are not married, and they have no children; yet they are actually married. As a young innocent lady or man, you can fall into this trap, if you are not vigilant.

Find Out More about Your Partner

―Having peace in your spirit alone is not enough. You need to make an enquiry about your fiancée-to-be. Never enter a relationship with someone who doesn‘t have a relative where you can enquire. ~ Bishop David Abioye

How does someone get married to a man who has a wife, without knowing it? Negligence and lack of prior preparation are the major causes. Why not take time to research about your partner before going far? Why not visit his/her family and see the relatives? If your fiancée says, ―I have no relatives. I am the only one remaining in my family.‖ Be more cautious; take time to know this folk, because many times that guy is not telling the truth. S/he is probably hiding some bad history. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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You can ask the Biblical Jacob, he will tell you. He paid dowry with hard labour for 7 years intending to get Rachel. But because he didn‟t do enough prior research about the culture of his fiancée-to-be; by end of 7 years, he was given Leah – Rachel‟s sister. So he had to work another 7 years, to make it 14 years total of hard labour, before he got Rachel – his sweet-heart. He was therefore forced by conditions to marry two wives, yet he wanted one. It can happen to anyone that is not careful to research. Watch out!

What do you think about love at first sight? Some singles meet on a bus and they “fall in love”; no wonder they fall and fail in marriage! There are a few people who fell in love at first sight and enjoy courtship as well as marriage, but majority of times, it‟s a disaster. You need to have time to know your partner, otherwise you find out shockers too late when you are already married.

True Life Story 11.1 Prayer Delivers Lena from a Liar‘s Plot

Lena was in serious love with Petro, who claimed he was a virgin brother. As they were arranging for marriage while still in courtship; one day while Lena was praying, God showed her in a vision that Petro had a wife and a son. After the vision, she confronted him, but he laughed it off. Lena became more determined to pray more. Days later, God said to Lena, ―I have somebody better for you.‖ She wondered why God was saying He had a better partner for her. She looked around in the church and all circles, and could not see another guy suitable to marry. After a month she decided to follow God‟s warning and she quit the relationship with Petro. Two months later, it became evident that Petro indeed had a wife and a child. Imagine the trouble Lena could be facing today had she married Petro, the liar? Today Lena is married to a loving husband and they are blessed with three lovely kids. Don‟t think Petro is the only liar in the world; there are many liars and pretenders out there! Do your due diligences,

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preferably during dating and courtship, before you sign wedding banners, or before you even give that guy your body.

If you are careless and you submit yourself to a guy, without research; by the time the guy tells you about his wife, you will be pregnant or „used‟. In the same manner, some men or women promise to marry you claiming, ―I no longer love my spouse! You are better and I want to marry you. Actually I plan to divorce him/her and marry you. We shall be happy ever after!‖ It‟s a big lie from the pit of hell! Such people never divorce their spouses. They plan to „use‟ and dump you. Even if they marry you, remember you have done evil by causing someone to lose their spouse to you. Life has a way of letting the same happen to you a hundred fold; for you reap what you sow! You should not be angry when somebody else will snatch that your spouse from you years later, because that‟s how you got married, any way – by stealing another person‟s spouse! Now it will be your turn to feel the pinch!

True Life Story 11.2 Successful Dating

Joina dated his girl, Fiona, well before he proposed her. They were in the same fellowship at church and he even visited her house to watch her closely. Each time he visited he would go with one or two other people so she wouldn‟t know that Joina was spying on her. He also investigated her close friend so he would know more.

Interesting enough Fiona was also wise. Before he married her, she kept on asking, ―Are you sure you have no wife and children?‖ She then decided to visit Joina‟s home village to see his mum and siblings. She also had a chance to talk (and investigate) little children in Joina‟s village about him. Today she is grateful because their blissful marriage is a fruit of successful dating, courtship and prior research.

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Anyone that refuses to show you their parents or refuses to be shown to your parents and pastors is questionable. What is s/he hiding? Investigate further. This is your life, and you have one life!

For the same reason, to avoid future surprises, never take a step to marry someone before you see them at a party (or happy moment), and a crisis. Where possible, visit your fiancée‟s place and mingle with his/her relatives before saying, “I do.” It will help you, because as you get there you might be greeted by your fiancée‟s kids who he never told you about. And one elderly person will say, ―I hope he informed you that he has a child.‖ Then you will be free after knowing the truth. You can then run for your dear life! Or you consciously marry him/her!

When is the Best Time to Prepare for Marriage?

The excerpts below explain it best: “I think one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because many people spend more time preparing for their wedding (an event that lasts a few hours) than for their marriage (a covenant that is designed to last a lifetime). Marriage Preparation Should Begin Now. Determine why you want to be married; what the Bible says about marriage, what is your role in marriage, etc. Find joyfully married Christian couples and spend time with them to learn what it takes to build a solid foundation for a strong Christian marriage. Praying to be married without preparing for marriage is like praying for rain without grabbing an umbrella. (Lisa Powell, from article ―What to Do during Your Season of Singleness‖) Dating, courtship and marriage are rare subjects which are not practically taught in school or in the home. Please for success in relationships and marriage, take time and read at least five books about courtship and marriage Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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before starting. It is common sense advice. Otherwise you will have destiny crash. Whether you have broken from a relationship before, or you are to enter a relationship for the first time, you need self-development on relationships.

Why not interview happily married couples; attend courtship and marriage seminars, and study relevant books. Mind you to attend marriage seminars should be for people that are in courtship and ready for marriage, not for young children. Who you become determines your life-long success in relationships. Never take this for granted. As a matter of fact, all successful people read. Every reader is a potential leader.

To echo the wise words of Susan Jeffers:

―Commitment does not mean that it has to last forever, But while you are there, commit yourself 100%. By doing this, the quality of your life improves 100%.‖

Reflect on this saying as well:

―If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old.‖ ~ Lord Chesterfield

Summary

Lack of preparation means preparation to fail. If you are serious with your future, you will prepare thoroughly. Remember courtship leads to marriage, and marriage is forever. Never take chances. You should do all that you can to ensure a successful future. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Mistake Eleven: LACK OF PREPARATION

11.1

How much have you prepared for your relationships?

________________________________________________________ ______________

11.2

How many books or articles have your read on

relationships/marriage?_____________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ____________________________

11.3

How many audios have you listened to so far?

________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

―Or what king would ever dream of going to war without first sitting down with his counsellors and discussing whether his army of ten thousand is strong enough to defeat the twenty thousand soldiers who are marching against him? If he is not able, then while the enemy is still far away, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace. ~ Jesus Christ (Luke 14: 31-33 NLT)

―Opportunity only favours the prepared‖ ~ Mensa Otabil

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MISTAKE TWELVE: DESPERATION

Desperation By Wilbert R. Mutoko

Desperation is the mother of frustration It gives birth to untold struggles Desperation goes ahead of grave mistakes That you regret for life

To have a happy future Make sure you decide with the mind And not with emotions For emotions land you in fire

By the time your mind wakes up Emotions will have disappeared So take time to heal from broken relationships And use your mind steadily

―A bit of hurry, plus a bit of mistake equals much delay and frustration‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Most singles do not learn from their mistakes. They do not give themselves time to locate the right man or woman. They don‟t allow themselves time to recover from bad relationships, widowhood or in worst case scenarios – divorce. They get into a new relationship or marriage to show off to friends and relatives, or to revenge their ex.

Too many singles rush into another relationship looking for comfort. Unfortunately, this is disastrous because, if your heart is still bleeding from Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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previous relations; the next relationship is likely to fail. Why? You will assume that your current partner is similar to your ex; you treat him/her with suspicion and soon your mate will advise you: ―Please go and sort yourself with your ex first, then you come back to me.‖

If you find new love too soon without reading new books on relationships or checking with your mentor; and giving yourself time to heal, you are likely to enter into the same cycle of frustration.

Success Tips

―Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.‖ ~ Aristotle

Anything you do in a hurry results in mistakes. Have you ever left a pot boiling, or you forgot your packed lunch at home, because you were in hurry? Have you ever made a serious mistake because you were in hurry? If you have never been in a relationship, or you are out of a failed relationship; my advice is - you should take your time to locate Mr. or Mrs. Right. Patience is a precious virtue that is cherished forever.

“It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.‖ ~ Anonymous

The following true life story from Reuters illustrates the idea best (Names of people and places have been changed for protection):

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True Life Story 12.1 Complicated Relationships ―Singer Jay has filed for divorce from actress Helen, ending their seven-year marriage. Jay filed the petition to the Lobatse High Court, citing irreconcilable differences. The couple married seven years ago, months after Helen‘s engagement to another guy, and days after Jay‘s divorce from another lady was finalized.‖ Currently Helen has already rebounded from the split, and is dating a guy half her age by name Andrew.

If you look closely at the story above, you will see that the parties involved didn‟t give themselves time to heal, learn why they failed, and self-develop, before getting into new relationships. For example, Jay married Helen ―days after his divorce from another lady.‖ Also, “Helen has already rebounded from the split, and is dating a guy half her age by name Andrew.‖ What a tragedy Jay? You divorce, and days after, you get into another marriage? Seven years later you divorce again! What happens to children, to your heart, to loved ones, to wealth, and to life plans? What about Helen? Are you still yourself? You were in an engagement, dropped it, after months you got married, now you just divorced after seven years; and while the divorce is fresh, you are already dating another man! Half your age! Where is this world going to? Where is the place for decency and stable homes? Learn From Your Mistakes They say ―Once beaten, twice shy.‖ And there is an African proverb: ―The one, who comforts you, is sharing from personal experience.‖ If you have been involved in a relationship that failed, it is crucial for you to learn from errors, so you comfort others; rather than you falling into the same traps repeatedly.

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Acquire new knowledge so that next time you enter a relationship, you wont repeat what you erred at first. In Shona they say, ―If you divorce a wife for witchcraft or adultery; next time you marry, you may marry a worse person.‖ Sounds true? What could be the reason? I think it‟s because singles do not acquire new skills and information after a break-up, divorce or death of spouse; so they still find themselves attracting people of their calibre. When you acquire new knowledge and skills, you become a different and better person, and you attract better candidates.

Expert Advice 12.2 Confused

Confused I‟m 22 and have a three-year old daughter. I‟m HIV-positive and broke up with the father of my child seven months ago. I met a 30-year-old guy three months later, and we have a long-distance relationship. He‟s still with the mother of his young child. He told me about his three kids, but now I‟m hearing that he‟s got two more. Why would he hide this? I recently met someone else. He‟s 25 and a loving, caring man; I am falling more in love with him every day. I need help and advice. Clara.

Auntie Patience Answers To be in a relationship is not child‟s play. The confusion you are experiencing could be caused by uncertainty and doubts you have with your partners. If you are seeing two people at the same time, it means you are unsure about yourself.

Staying away from relationships for a while until you figure out what you need, can be of help, when deciding whom you would like to be with. Your HIVstatus should not prevent you from having a meaningful and healthy relationship, provided you know your self-worth. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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If you are just coming out of a broken relationship, divorce or losing a spouse; take time to heal. If it was a long relationship, you probably need more months or years to be by yourself and heal. Take your time and develop your career, academics or business. Keep yourself busy and take a break from love-life. You will be grateful for it.

True Life Story 12.3 It Happened To Peter Before Peter met his beautiful wife Phil, he had proposed to marry a certain sister in the church. She agreed that she loved him. But before six months she stopped responding to his mails; only to hear that she had been married to another guy. Call it heart-ache or shocking pain? YES. Peter didn‟t know what to do. But God had a far better replacement for her, in the form of Phil. Peter is so grateful that Anna went away, and he got to marry Phil, the woman of his heart. But it took patience, time to heal, counselling and prayers. Interesting enough Peter remembers telling that first fiancée (Anna) whom he intended to marry, ―I love you. But I didn‘t hear from the Lord. It‘s just me who loves you.‖ Interestingly, several months after the broken relationship, while he was praying, God showed him a vision on which he was wedding with Phil. That‟s why the biblical Paul said, ―All things work for good to them that love the Lord according to His calling ...‖ What has happened to you? Did someone ditch you? Did someone cheat you? Are all your age-mates in courtship or they got married, except you? I know when these things happen, you think life has ended. NO. Life has someone better for you. Take heart, and take your time. Remain honest and keep yourself busy with good works. Summary Take your time to locate the right partner. Don‟t rush into a relationship out of desperation. Avoid seeing that all your friends are getting partners, and you Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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just throw your self into some guy‟s hands. You may regret for life. In the same manner, take your time to heal in case of a failed relationship, before getting into a fresh one. Mistake Twelve: DESPERATION 12.1 What is motivating you into a new relationship? ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________

―Desperation is a recipe for disaster. Never let anyone take advantage of you in times of deep need.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

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MISTAKE THIRTEEN: UNWILLING TO CHANGE

CHANGE IS MY NAME By Wilbert R. Mutoko

Change is my name Accept me and you succeed Resist me and you break Support me, I support you Refuse me, I refuse you

Change is my name Go with me, I go with you Leave me and I leave you behind If winter comes and you refuse to adapt Cold will paralyze and punish you

Change is my name If summer comes and you refuse to change Heat will scotch and manhandle you When I bring different seasons Follow suit and enjoy life

―There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.‖ – Denis Waitley

When it comes to relationships, the biggest complication is that every individual is unique. So you need to treat them as individuals. You need to be flexible and adaptable, so that you treat every person you meet in a suitable way. Same applies to would-be partners and partners. The reason why Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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people are frustrated in relationships is that they try to force people to become like themselves. Or they get into a new relationship and they treat the new partner the same way as their ex, or like their siblings.

Success Tips

―It‘s not that some people have willpower and some don‘t. It‘s that some people are ready to change and others are not.‖ ~ James Gordon. M.D.

Change is inevitable. If winter comes and you say, ―I am not going to change my dressing and bedding! I won‘t put on warm clothes!‖ Who will suffer you or winter? Obviously you will suffer! No matter how you hate winter, can you stop it from coming? NO! Every year you can be certain that winter will come. You therefore must always be ready to change.

People are different, and must be treated as such. Failure to do so will frustrate you.

A humble spirit or being teachable will help you accept corrections from other people. Such corrections can be hard because you are already used to your way of doing things. But, believe me; it is worth the sacrifice for success in relationships.

―For changes to be of any true value, they have got to be lasting and consistent.‖ ~ Anthony Robbins

If you are not willing to change life, if you are not willing to compromise, don‟t go into a relationship. Your partner is unique. You can not compare him/her with any other person. You should be willing to allow him/her to change, and Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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at the same time you should be willing to change yourself to suit your partner‟s requests.

True Life Story 13.1 I Chose to Change My Habits There are some „small foxes‟ that don‟t look harmful. But they can cause discord. When I located my life partner, I had a number of habits that drove her crazy. Phillis also had some habits that bothered me. But in this story I choose to focus on my habits that were not good for her. Interesting enough, when Phillis complained of my bad habits, I wondered what was wrong with her. Thank God that both of us were willing to change, and we had a successful courtship that led to a heaven-on-earth marriage.

One of the bad habits was that I walked too fast. It really used to excite me when I outpaced everyone on walking. My partner, by then, hated the fast walk. Did I change immediately? No! I didn‟t understand what was wrong with Phillis‟ head. But finally when I decided to scrutinize myself, I put myself in her shoes, and I decided to change. Having an accounting background, the second bad habit was „stinginess‟, or over control of monetary expenditure. My partner was the type that never asked for money or goodies from me. However, once in a while as we met, in the presence of a third person, I saw it fit to buy drinks and food. Instead of chips and juice, which were Phillis‟ favourite, I decided to always buy buns and coke or other cheap drink. Guess what? My partner was so worried! What would happen in marriage with such a stingy man? It took a very long time to change. But because I loved Phillis, I had to adjust my expenditure habits.

What are the habits that worry your loved ones? Summary Any serious single should have willingness to change certain habits and mannerisms. Failure to do so, results in failure to get Mr. /Mrs. Right. Or it Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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results in repeated failed relationships. Success in making changes to life, results in success in dating and courtship, which lead to blissful marriage. Remember, even God will not force you to change; he gives you the choice to either change or stay where you are. The choice to change is yours.

Mistake Thirteen: Unwilling To Change 13.1 List down uncomfortable habits that your friends, relatives, teachers or fiancée complain about you___________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ 13.2 List down the suggested solution for each of the above bad habits ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

―Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can‘t ride you unless your back is bent.‖ ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

―Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.‖ ~ Barack Obama

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MISTAKE FOURTEEN: CHOOSING SOMEONE BECAUSE OF OUTWARD APPEARANCE ONLY

Smiling By Anonymous

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile It takes only a smile to make a dark day bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

―What you see is not always the same as what you get.‖ ~ Tswana Proverb

Everybody loves a beautiful or handsome partner, and there is nothing wrong with that. Problem is some singles desire a partner simply because of outward appearance, which is very dangerous – looks can be deceiving. For instance, is there harm in wanting to relate or marry someone because s/he is light in complexion? The question is will you still love the person if their skin suffers a pimple or skin disease in future and they become dark? If yes, it is ok. But if no, think twice. Complexion or race should not be your principal reason for marrying someone.

Success Tips

―Looks can be deceiving‖ ~ Wise Person

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True Life Story 14.1 She Refused Marrying a Millionaire

When Joseph proposed to marry Nellie, many influential people were disappointed. They told her, ―Why get into a relationship and marry a teacher? Teachers have no money! Why don‘t you wait and we organize a millionaire partner for you.‖ Nellie answered them calmly, ―I love Joseph for who he is, not for what he has; please don‘t bother about your millionaire guys.‖

Guess what, Nellie will be forever grateful for her decision to marry the teacher; because now Joseph is no longer a classroom teacher; but a Global Business Person and University Lecturer. No need to mention, Nellie and Joseph are proud of how God brought them together.

Summary Looks can be deceiving, whether it‟s handsome, beauty, or wealth. Be careful, because you may trap yourself with a dangerous partner for life. Take time to check the person you commit your life to. Your life is very important, and you live life once; so never gamble with your life. Long term relationships, particularly marriage, are better set on a strong foundation – thorough research and establishment.

Mistake Fourteen:Choosing Someone Because Of Outward Appearance Only

14.1

Are you sure you love that folk, or you just like their beauty,

wealth, profession or house? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ―The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can become.‖ ~ Harold Taylor Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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MISTAKE FIFTEEN: FAILING TO FORGIVE “If you forgive those who sin against you, Your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, Your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Jesus Christ (NLT)

―Failing to forgive is like a cancer. It consumes your heart out like sulphuric acid melting precious metal.‖ ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Failing to forgive will breed bitterness, hatred and murder. If you carry people in your heart that you haven‟t forgiven, you run the risk of a heart break-down. Failure to forgive leads you into trouble. An unforgiving heart is like a jail; you need to release those people, and let them go! If you fail to forgive yourself, your ex, or your partner; it reduces your chances of success in both current and future relations.

True Life Story 15.1: Joel Forgiven but He Fails To Forgive

A story is told of a young man, Joel, who owed his boss $2 000, and was to be reported to debt collectors. He begged his boss for mercy and forgiveness. Fortunate enough, Joel‟s boss forgave him his debt. However, soon after the forgiveness, Joel went to demand $20 owed by his co-worker, Martha. He told Martha, ―Pay my $20 or you go to debt collectors!‖ Martha knelt before Joel to beg him for mercy, but Joel could not listen. Immediately, he took Martha to the debt collectors.

When the rest of the workers heard what had transpired; they reported it to the boss, who immediately called Joel. ―I forgave you a bigger debt, of $2 000; Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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why were you not ashamed to go and torment your fellow worker for only $20? Now I reinstate your debt of $2 000! If you fail to pay in 30 minutes, debt collectors are coming to take you!‖

Success Tips “Don‟t hold on to a grudge too long, the weight becomes impossible to carry.” ~ Zulu Proverb

Count Your Blessings Author Unknown I remember times when things went wrong, My faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, And the sun peeped through again.

If you know you need forgiveness, then you must forgive those who sin against you. God has forgiven you more than you ever deserved; is it too hard to forgive your partner, your ex, or your parents? The past is gone, so don‟t live in the past. Start by forgiving yourself for past mistakes. Then forgive others for their wrongs against you. Just try it today, once you forgive, you will breath fresh air; and you will feel more loved and loving. Even your health will spring up like good weather.

Summary

Forgiveness is one way of cleansing your soul and spirit; and clearing your pathway to fulfilment in life. With forgiveness, you can be assured of hasslefree relationships. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Mistake Fifteen: Failing to Forgive

15.1 Write down how many people you have locked in the jail of your heart? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ________________________

15.2 Write a list of people who you have wronged in the past, who are offended in you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

15.3 How many times have you wronged God? ____________________________________________________________ 15.4 How many times has God forgiven you? ____________________________________________________________

15.5 What steps can you take to forgive the people who hurt you, one by one? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

“If a man says, I love God and hate his brother, he is a liar: For he that loves not his brother whom he has seen, How can he love God whom he has not seen?” ~ Apostle John

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MISTAKE SIXTEEN: GIVING UP

IT WILL COME by Nathan Watson

When life's largest pressures leave you struck dumb, Just search for an answer; the solution will come.

When a tragedy occurs leaving you feeling numb, Just wait for your health; the strength will come.

―Adversity causes some men (and women) to break; but it causes others to break records.‖ ~ William Arthur Ward

When you get into the habit of giving up, it affects you in everything you do – in school, career, business, ministry, thinking, holiness, spirituality, and relationships. People, who easily quit, will never win in life. That‟s why Thomas Paine said, ―I love the man that can smile in trouble, which can gather strength from distress, and grow brave reflections.‖

Many singles give up just before the right guy comes; or they quit every relationship too early. This is dangerous because you may live in bitterness thinking no one loves you, or you end up throwing yourself at the wrong person. You should not consider quitting a relationship, each time any little misunderstanding happens. Such attitude fails you time and again; as a matter of fact, there is no relationship without challenges. And you have to learn to deal with situations and grow. As the Shona proverb says: ―Don‘t break your water jar, probably you are near home.‖

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Success Tips

―Don‘t wish it were easier, wish you were better.‖ ~ Jim Rohn

All good things are hard to come by, and they take time. The same applies to relationships, good partners are rare to find. I can‟t agree more with this quote: ―The ripest peach is always highest on the tree‖ ~ Unknown. With fruits, the low hanging ones on the tree finish first, because they are easy to pluck. But fruits at the top remain because they are difficult to access. If you are finding it hard to get a partner, but you know you have kept yourself pure; thing is, you are that rare fruit hanging on top of the tree. People are not patient to bring you down (propose marriage) because it is hard work, and it is time-consuming for them.

In case you are worried why you are beautiful or handsome, well-mannered etc, but nobody loves you for marriage; I liken you to a precious jewel. Consider gold or diamonds for example. You have to do great work to dig it out of the ground. If you are not patient to invest time, equipment and money to dig deep underground; you never get gold. Contrarily, it is easy to get coal near the surface of the earth. That explains why the value of gold is much higher than coal. You are gold, don‟t worry why coal (other folks), is dug faster than you. Coal is dug easily, but is of lower value than gold.

Take heart because soon, the right folk will appear to wipe away all your tears. Your joy shall surely exceed your tears, when finally Mr/s Right manifests. You will smile and wonder whether it‟s reality; yes it will be real because of your patience to wait.

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True Life Story 16.1 Norah Refused to Give Up

Norah was very beautiful and intelligent. She had a respectable career as an Accountant and lived an enviable life. She loved people regardless of their background, status or level of education. She loved God with all her heart and served as a choir member and usher in a local church. She was a regular tithe payer and supporter of God‟s work. She also took very good care of her parents, who were very proud of her.

There was only one big problem. Her two younger sisters Nelly and Susan got married at the age of eighteen and twenty respectively. But Norah continued to grow older without any man saying to her, “Halo.” She fasted and prayed several times about the possibility of getting into a relationship, and marriage. But years just rolled in without any „brother‟ asking Norah‟s hand in marriage.

Her Pastors and leaders kept on encouraging her. Contrarily, her friends and relatives mocked her, ―What kind of a person are you? No child, no fiancée, no life? Ha ha ha! Your career and spiritual success without a man is useless! Get serious and find a man for yourself! Why don‘t you grab some woman‘s husband so you can share?‖ Others would mock her, ―Where is your God? Little girls are getting married before you; what are you waiting for? Are you waiting to develop horns before you date a man?‖

Norah strengthened herself in the Lord. She read many books on building good relationships and marriage. She wrote a list of traits that she expected her future husband to have, and she read the list daily; and thanked God for future husband. Additionally, she kept on going for counselling from the Pastor‟s wife. She ignored people‟s mockery and concentrated on developing herself mentally, spiritually, financially, socially and otherwise.

When Norah turned 39 years, her sister Nelly divorced her husband for infidelity. Her other sister Susan was facing marital problems – she and her husband were always fighting. Many of Norah‟s friends who had been married Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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or stayed with men, started coming to her for counselling because they envied her positive attitude even though she was not yet married. Norah became a beam of hope for all her mockers. On Norah‟s 42nd birthday, a visiting church „brother‟ that was „hot‟ for God proposed love to her. In three months time, wedding bells rang. Norah proudly became Mrs. Peters at the age of forty-two and a half years. Finally her shame was terminated. Her parents got a surprise consolation that at least their eldest daughter had now married. Those who had laughed at Norah started laughing with her. Her mockers became her makers.

Patience and waiting worked wonders for Norah. As if God was compensating for lost time in her life; ten months after the wedding, she gave birth to twins – a boy and a girl. Two years later, she gave birth to twins again – a boy and a girl. Call it joy! Yes. This could only happen by the power of waiting for the right time and the right person.

You might be growing older and people are mocking you. Guess what! Your partner is on the way. Don‟t give up! Those who are laughing at you will soon gather around you to laugh with you! If only you persevere to your long awaited day. Avoid desperation as your genuine may come when you have already picked a fake fiancée/spouse for yourself.

Summary

Winners never quit, and quitters never win. Decide today never to give up on a potential relationship. If you are in a struggling relationship, but you believe that God approves it; work on your differences until you become an equal match. On the other hand, if no one has ever proposed love to you, be happy because your partner is on the way. As you know, good things take more time to be polished. Your own partner is still being prepared and polished; and by the time s/he appears, you will be stunned. Don‟t give up! Many great people became great through patience and persistence. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Mistake Sixteen: Giving Up

16.1 Do you feel like giving up? ___________________________________________ 16.2 Are you in a relationship, and you feel like it will never work; but you still love your fiancée? ______________________________________________________________ 16.3 Are you discouraged because no one has ever dated you, or has ever been serious to marry you? ______________________________________________________________ 16.4 Do you think you have persevered enough in this regard? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ 16.5 If you were given another chance to persevere, what would you do differently?_____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

―Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.‖ ~ Rabindranath Tagore

―Success comes from taking the initiative and following up...persisting...eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum towards success in your life?‖ ~ Anthony Robbins

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CONCLUSION

‗Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.‘ ~ Norman Vincent Peale

In life we all learn from mistakes. However, it is much better to learn more from other people‟s mistakes. Singles are not exempt from human error. However, such mistakes can either be avoided or lessened by following the success tips in this book. Hope this guide will lead you to successful dating, courtship and blissful marriage. All the best!

It is important for me to stress that dating and courtship are for people who are ready for marriage. It is not for school-going children or youngsters. As King Solomon said „Love is stronger than death.‟ Once you start love issues, love grows like a flower; you can‟t stop it to blossom. Many got involved in love at school, and they failed school and scored on „love‟, correctly termed lust. Only date and court someone when you know you are ready for marriage, otherwise you put yourself in danger.

Love has driven many people crazy, and they abandoned career or school. So please do one thing at a time. Don‟t copy those who date at school, they know they don‟t care about their future. If you are serious with your future, date and court when ready for marriage, because one thing leads to the other. If you are mature enough, follow the secrets you have learnt in this book and „Welcome to the world of peace, happiness and calm relationships. Welcome to blissful marriage arena.‟

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―The difference between whether you say, ‗I wish I would have,‘ or ‗I‘m glad I did,‘ at the end of your life is whether or not you take decisive action during your life.‖ ~ Wise Person

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GLOSSARY

Loneliness - loneliness can be defined as the unhappiness that is felt by someone because they do not have friends or anyone to talk to. It is more a problem in the mind than anything else. For the purpose of this book, singles include teenagers – who are dating, youths, single mothers or single fathers, divorcees, widows and widowers. The following terms used in the book are defined as follows: Life partner – someone you choose to live with for the rest of your life, sharing everything, spirit, soul and body. Mistakes – it‟s something you do without intending to or that produces a result that you do not want. It is something or part of something which is incorrect or not right. If you mistake something, in this case, (relationship or spouse), you fail to recognize or understand it. Singles – unmarried, or having no fiancée (boyfriend or girlfriend). Dating – someone is trying to find a fiancée. It also refers to efforts to find time with a potential love interest, in pursuit of a possible relationship. I would suggest that you should date someone while they don‟t know your intentions. For example, you get closer to the girl you want at church or at work, so you learn her, without her suspecting. This helps because she will behave naturally without faking a character to please you. This is supported by the following quote: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it." ~ Garry Shandling Courtship – This comes after dating. You suggest love to your prospective fiancée. It is the slow art of wooing and seducing one‟s beloved with intention of marriage. It is the stage that leads to marriage.

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The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines dating as “making or having a date with,” whereas to court is “to seek the affections of, especially to seek to win a pledge of marriage.” It therefore follows that courtship comes after dating, i.e., a person in courtship is getting ready for marriage, not fun. Marriage – the relationship between husband and wife. It is the act of marrying someone, or the ceremony at which this is done. Furthermore it can be defined as the state of being married. Successful – something that is successful, achieves what it was intended to achieve. Successful Dating – managing to find the right fiancée that you intended to have. Successful courtship – being able to keep a good relationship before marriage, leading to happy marriage. Blissful – a blissful situation or period of time is one in which you are extremely happiness. Blissful Marriage – Marriage or relationship between husband and wife, filled with extreme happiness.

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APPENDIX A: COURTSHIP QUESTIONS

I have adopted and fine-tuned the following questions from: http://www.mydearvalentine.com/relationships/courtship/questions.html to help you during dating/courtship.

Courtship is not about romance. It is a crucial time to discuss your future with your prospective partner. It is a time to pop up courtship questions to your expected spouse. It is a chance to find out if you can live happily with each other

for

ever.

Decide About Your Future

The background, social status, mental condition and views of the person you want to wed are highly important. It is these things that will make you decide about your future with him/her. Your courtship time questions will let you know much about your spouse-to-be. So it is very important that you know about the questions to ask during courtship.

Courtship Queries

Here are some of the most commons questions of courtship. Below each question I briefly explain why you should ask the question. Remember the questions have no particular order, and you don‟t have to ask all of them in one day. You don‟t have to ask the questions as if you are a police officer. You have to use wisdom and ask the questions in a natural dialogue way.

Why do you love me? Can you tell me about your upbringing? Tell me more about your parents and relatives? Do you have any relatives around? How was the in which you grew up? How was your relationship with parents and siblings? Are you ready for marriage? Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Would you like to have children kids? How many kids do you want to have? Are we planning to have children soon after marriage or later? Which faith do you follow? (In case your faith is different) Do you have a problem with my kind of religion? Have you ever been a victim of physical abuse as a child? Was your father a wife beater? Did your parents fight or use abusive language? What is your view of people spouses who beat or physically abuse their partners? What do you think about members of the opposite sex? Tell me your expectations from me. What kind of a father/mother do you expect me to be? What are the feelings of your parents and siblings about me? Can you tell me about your previous relationships? Do you mind if I have a chat with your ex about your past together? Do you view me in the light of the earlier relationships? Find out if your intended spouse will be able to support you financially. This is especially to be considered if you are a woman.

Discuss your spouse's relation with members of the opposite sex.

Question whether he/she is committed to marriage or if the person is looking for flings outside marriage.

Discuss about the number of relationships, and marriages, you had before meeting him/her. Ask your spouse-to-be if there is a problem.

Clearly talk about whether your spouse is going to turn to his/her parents for the solution of every disagreement you have.

Ask whether your spouse will be okay with your meeting with friends after marriage. If possible, introduce him/her to your buddies. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Ask if your spouse expects you to change yourself to suit his/her life and status.

Question his/her abilities to become a good father/mother to your children. Can your spouse guide your children to become successful citizens?

If you are a single parent, clearly discuss about the status you want your child to enjoy in home. Ask him/her if that is okay?

A clear talk about your past and future can help you avoid frictions at a later stage of life. Hope these courtship questions will help you make the right decision about your future with partner.

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RECOMMENDED READING

The Holy Bible: King James Version or New Living Translation

Faith Oyedepo 2008 (Dominion Publishing Books): Single with a Difference

Dr. David Yonggi Cho 1979 (Bridge-Logos): The Fourth Dimension Volume One – Discovering a New World of Answered Prayer

Robert J. Wieland 1995 (Southern Publishing Association): Will Marriage work in Today‟s World?

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Contact Wilbert: Global Family Restoration P.O. Box AD 7 AAF Gaborone, Botswana Tel: 00267 – 71824591 or 00267 71481536 or 00267 72727376 Email: [email protected] or [email protected] or Skype and Twitter: wilbertmutoko www.wilbertmutoko.com

Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nick-named, „Doctor Love‟, Wilbert R. Mutoko, is Speaker, Pastor, Counsellor, University Lecturer, and Author of the lifechanging book: 15 Secrets for Personal Financial Success – A Simple Stepby-Step Plan for Financial Freedom. He is privileged to passionately counsel, guide, preach, teach and write on success in relationships and marriage for the past twenty years. Wilbert has a special calling and grace from God for family restoration – financially, spiritually, in relationships, marital and in raising enviable children. A sought-after speaker, Wilbert and his beloved wife Phillis Princess (Machabvunga) Mutoko kept themselves pure for 16 months in courtship before getting married on 01 May 1999. Ever since they married, the two love-birds continuously enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage that is exemplary wherever they go. Wilbert lovingly calls Phillis - “Chocolate”, “Honey”, “Sweetheart”, “Babe”, and “my Queen”. In return Phillis passionately calls Wilbert – “Babe”, “Sweetie”, “Daddy”, “my Heart-breaker”, “Man of my heart”, “My Lord”, and “My King.” Their over-fifteen year-old strong union is cemented with three lovely children Peace, Praise and Prayer. Both Wilbert and Phillis are trained counsellors and ordained Pastors. As professional counsellors and Pastors, the couple has helped many people, including singles and married couples for the past two decades.

Phillis and Wilbert are so passionate about helping others to locate their right partners; and marry into life-long years of bliss. They pray for their counselees and church members to have better relationships than their own marriage. Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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Wilbert R. Mutoko. © 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:[email protected]

Many, hundreds of youths have passed through the hands of Wilbert and Phillis into marriage. Several couples have undergone help sessions resulting in survival of marriages that were in danger of divorce.

Born and bred in Zimbabwe, Wilbert R. Mutoko moved with his family to Botswana over twelve years ago. He possesses the following qualifications among others: MBA, South Africa; Leadership Diploma, Word of Faith Bible Institute; and Christian Leadership and Ministry Diploma, Botswana Bible Training Institute.

Together with Phillis they are qualified counsellors, trained by Lifeline Botswana, where they have volunteered as counsellors and trainers to other counsellors.

Free book. Not for sale. This is my contribution to singles worldwide so your life can shine

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