Eft For Parents

EFT FOR PARENTS

By Karen Curry, B.S.N., ATP

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EFT FOR PARENTS v.1.0

Karen Curry EFT for Parents 2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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TABLE OF CONTENTS EFT FOR PARENTS PART 1 INTRODUCTION HOW TO USE THIS BOOK USING EFT IN FAMILIES EFT MODIFICATIONS FOR CHILDREN EFT FOR PARENTS PART 2 EFT AND SELF-CARE EFT, CHILD DEVELOPMENT, AND DETACHMENT EFT AND SELF-ESTEEM EFT AND SURROGATE TAPPING EFT AND BEDTIME EFT AND BOREDOM EFT AND CAR SICKNESS EFT AND MESSY ROOMS EFT AND PHYSICAL PAIN EFT AND TEASING EFT AND WORLD PEACE EFT AND BEDWETTING EFT AND DISCIPLINE EFT AND TRAUMA EFT AND GRIEF EFT AND BODY IMAGE EFT AND SCHOOL EFT AND SEPARATION ANXIETY EFT AND ASTHMA EFT AND SPORTS PERFORMANCE EFT FOR PARENTS PART 3 CASE STUDIES CONCLUSION APPENDIX: TAPPING for EVERYONE!

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And the adventure begins…

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EFT FOR PARENTS PART 1 Family after EFT….

Family before EFT….

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Introduction Welcome! Being a parent has always been an unexpected adventure for me. First of all, I never expected to get pregnant! Then, I never expected to have FOUR children! Each day of parenting brings me unexpected challenges and unforeseen delights! Parenting has never looked or felt like I thought it would. Most of the time it has been much more amazing than I ever anticipated. I wasn’t prepared for the joy of first grins, teeth, steps, giggles, sweet angelic slumber and the almost adult conversations that I have with my eleven year old. I also wasn’t prepared for the colic, the word “NO”, the nightmares, the bullies, the hurt knees, the sibling fights, or the end-of-the-day exhaustion. Most importantly, I wasn’t prepared for the realization that most of my problems with my kids were about ME, not about them. Wow, what a ride it has been, and I have survived it (so far). I’m not sure how well I would have survived it, however, without some very important tools I have learned along the way—especially the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). EFT has made me a better parent. With EFT I can disengage my own emotional issues from my children’s. Disengaging my junk from my relationship with my children has made me a more effective parent. Without being emotionally over-involved with my kids, I can use discipline for teaching without feeling guilty and changing my mind. I can support my children in learning how to help themselves, rather than rescuing them from situations that they know how to handle. These days, I am more joyful, more playful, and nicer as a parent.

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My deepest gratitude goes to Gary Craig, the founder of EFT, who has selflessly given EFT to the world. Without Gary and energy therapy pioneers before and after him, I might be slugging through years of expensive therapy! Now I can use my therapy money to send my kids to college! I hope that this book gives you the tools that you need to become emotionally free. Imagine the parent you will become without guilt, shame, anxiety, stress, worry and fear. EFT will truly set you and your family free! Namaste! Karen

“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have and must take step into the darkness of the UNKNOWN, believe that either one of two things will happen to you; either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.” Patrick Overton

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How to Use This Book This book is designed as an instructional manual and a reference manual. You may feel inspired to read it all right away or you may want to read the sections that apply to you now. As issues come up in your parenting relationship, you can check back to this manual and see how to successfully implement EFT with your specific problem. In order to successfully use this book it is important to be familiar with the Emotional Freedom Techniques. IMPORTANT: If you do not know the basics of EFT, you can download a free EFT Instruction Manual at www.emofree.com. A shortcut form of tapping is also included in the appendix for immediate reference. It is important to familiarize yourself with the process first before starting, although you can’t get it wrong, so don’t worry about perfecting your technique right away. Each section of this manual contains a little bit of information. I intentionally kept the sections short because I know how busy you are as a parent, and because I want you to jump right in and tap! At the end of each section is a series of sample EFT setups. Please use the ones listed to start with but know that as you get more and more comfortable with EFT, you will become more adept at creating set ups that fit your needs and the needs of your children perfectly! EFT is a technique. Initially, expect to easily master the technique. There is also an art to applying EFT. The more you use EFT and boost your proficiency, the more you will become artful in your application of EFT. I encourage you to experiment and explore! Everything I have learned from EFT I have learned by experimenting and trusting my gut instincts.

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Please know that you are not alone on your parenting journey. If you have questions or you have a unique situation that you want some help with, please feel free to contact me, [email protected]. Visit our website frequently for updates and information about upcoming events. You are always welcome to join our free weekly parenting teleclass. For more information and to register for the class, visit www.joyfulmission.com. Happy tapping!

GET READY TO START TAPPING!

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Using EFT in Families Let’s face it! Being in a family is like living in a hotbed of emotional intensity. When things run smoothly, the love we feel in families is very powerful! And when things aren’t so pleasant, family life can feel very painful. Being in a family has presented me with great opportunities to heal and be healed on the deepest levels. Interacting with my children has stirred up feelings I didn’t even know existed inside my heart and my spirit. Motherhood has brought up many emotions, beliefs and ideas about myself and my own life that I would not have encountered in any other setting. Those little creatures that just plopped into my life have served as wonderful mirrors for me to see myself reflected in a whole new way. EFT has been the polish for me to clean this mirror and keep it shiny. Every interaction we have in our families involves an exchange of emotional energy. Most of the time this is a loving and kind energy. But, sometimes it is not. EFT helps families get through those rough spots without hurting and damaging the other person. And, as a parent, EFT often helps me understand the true source of my emotional energy. I have found so many times that when I feel upset or concerned about an issue relating to my children, the issue is really about ME and my “stuff” and not about them and their “stuff”. One of my favorite examples happened when my oldest daughter was four years old. As most four-year-olds do, my daughter got creative with a pair of scissors and gave herself a haircut. Well, it was bad! She had had beautiful long golden hair. When she was done with her self-coiffure, she looked like a propeller airplane had buzzed around her head several times. We were supposed to get Christmas portraits taken that same afternoon. And my in-laws were coming to town!

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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And I had a toddler and a brand-new baby and I was sooooo tired! I’ll let you imagine how the rest of the story goes. Unfortunately, I didn’t know EFT at that time. But I was able to dissect the different parts of my emotional energy to eventually reach an understanding about my feelings. Yes, I was angry that my daughter had cut her hair. But it was developmentally normal. And I knew that hair grows back (eventually!). My REAL anger related to my fear about what my mother and my inlaws were going to think of me as a parent. Would they judge me because my little four-year-old had gotten scissors out behind my back while I was taking care of my other little ones? Would they think I was a bad mother? In my family, appearances meant EVERYTHING. Would my daughter be judged for her “interesting” haircut? I could just imagine them saying “Look what she let’s her children do!” or “Doesn’t she SUPERVISE them properly?!” These were all my fears and my issues that I needed to deal with. I did not need to them put on my daughter’s shoulders. She didn’t care about her hair. She liked it short. Yes, we did talk about scissors safety and self-mutilation, but the rest of the stuff was mine! Had I known EFT at the time, I could have tapped the whole mess away in a few short rounds instead of floundering with it for several days until I got it all clear in my mind! In the next section of this book, I have given you many practical applications for EFT in everyday parenting life and included some real life examples and case studies. I have also included sample set ups to get you started on specific issues. Many of these examples come from my own experience. I have adopted a policy of “tapping on everything” with my family. So far, tapping has worked on everything. Please know that this next section represents merely a sample of what you can create with EFT

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in your life. Don’t limit yourself to thinking these are the only applications for EFT…TRY EFT ON EVERYTHING! You’ll be amazed! DISCLAIMER: Humans come in all shapes, sizes and personalities. Some children are like beautiful roses. They unfold gently and precisely, bringing constant pride and delight to parents. Some kids are born like cyclones, battling and climbing their way through life, leaving parents confused and dazed in a sea of destruction and creativity. I know this from personal experience. My first two children resembled “roses”, obedient and predictable. My third child broke the mold. When this boy came along, I learned things about children that I never knew before. Did you know that small babies can scale large objects, like bookshelves, in less than a minute while you run to the bathroom? Or, that a creative toddler can make 5 liters of mud in the bathroom sink while you quickly shower (your first chance in three days)? No matter how much you tap with your child, you can not change who they are! But with EFT you can remove your limiting beliefs and ideas about who your children are and what they can be. EFT will open your heart to loving your children exactly as they were created. And what greater gift can you give a child than unconditional love and acceptance?

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EFT Modifications for Children Because EFT is so simple, it is very easy to teach and to use with children. Simply modifying the set up phrase makes it less of a mouthful for youngsters. Listed below are some sample setups. Use these or let your child make up her own. The setup has an infinite number of possible modifications, so allow your intuition to guide you to the one that works best in your situation. Even though I have this problem…I really like myself. Even though I ____________________ …I am still a great kid. Even though I ____________________ …I love myself. Even though I ____________________ …God loves me. Even though I ____________________ …I am awesome.

OR I feel good about myself, even though I have this problem. I’m OKAY, even though I __________________________. I’m a cool kid even though I ________________________. I really like myself, even though I ____________________.

Although EFT works best in tough situations, don’t wait until your child needs EFT to teach her. Create a quiet, teachable moment and then show her how to use it. When teaching the process, you can

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either make up a situation or use a real life example from the recent past. Make it simple and fun. With young children, I refer to the EFT points as “tickle spots” or “giggle spots.” Older kids can call them “relaxation” spots, or any other euphemism you can think of that makes sense to the child. Practice tapping on the points together. You can also teach a child to tap on their favorite doll or teddy. Tapping on a doll helps some children engage with the EFT process more easily, and it makes the process fun. It’s sure to get a good laugh if mom or dad taps on a Beanie Baby. Feel free to get silly with it also. Some kids pretend they are monkeys when they tap the UA (under the arm) spot. Whatever works! RATING THE ISSUE WITH YOUR HANDS Usually it helps to rate the severity of an issue before you tap on it so that you can determine whether or not you feel better after tapping. I usually ask for people to rate their pain or fear or whatever on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is really bad. With young children it helps to adapt the rating method to their level. Instead of using numbers, hold your hands apart of great distance for “very bad” and closer together for “not so bad” and completely together for “all gone.” Children love to do this. They will learn quickly to say how scared or tired or angry they feel by using their hands. “I was this scared Daddy (hands wide apart), but now I’m only this scared (hand very close together).” You may have to subjectively evaluate your child’s level of emotional intensity. Some children simply will not give you an arm spread or any other way to rate the intensity. It will probably be very obvious to you when she is feeling intense about an aspect of the issue. Try whatever works!

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IMPORTANCE OF MODELLING As obvious as it sounds the truth bears repeating: Children do what we do, not what we say. That statement applies to the Emotional Freedom Techniques as much as it does to any other activity in family life. The most important factor in helping a child to actively use EFT is whether or not you model using it yourself. If your kids see you tapping, especially when you are feeling emotional intensity, they will be encouraged to use it themselves under similar circumstances. As with everything in parenting, you must walk your talk. Sometimes a child will resist tapping (older kids especially). It’s too weird or embarrassing. Or, the child has an emotional investment in defying you and he knows how badly you want him to tap. No matter how hard you try (and believe me, I have tried!) you can’t make a child tap if they don’t want to. Under this circumstance, it is very important that you remove your emotional attachment to the situation. So, tap on yourself first. Once you have brought your emotional intensity down you can then surrogate tap for your child. To tap for your child you follow this procedure: simply state, “I am my child” and then follow through on the setup and tapping sequence for your child. I don’t know why this works, but it does! I will discuss surrogate tapping in greater detail later in the book. (By the way, surrogate tapping works great on spouses, too.) You can also tap with your child on resistance to tapping. If they feel a problem is unsolvable, they may take the attitude that “nothing can help me.” Simply tap on the fact that tapping won’t work. For example: Even though this tapping won’t help me, I’m still going to be OKAY. or Even though nothing will help me with this problem, I still like myself.

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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FORGET YOUR TROUBLES, COME ON GET TAPPY!

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EFT FOR PARENTS PART 2 Family after EFT….

Family before EFT….

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EFT and Self-Care Do this quick exercise. Make a list of the five most important relationships in your life. When you are done, rank these relationships in order of importance. Are you anywhere on your own list? If so, where did you rank yourself? The first time I did this exercise, I was surprised to find that I didn’t even make the list. To be honest, it didn’t even occur to me to put myself anywhere on the list. And I was proud of all the people on my list whose welfare I was at least partially responsible for. “I am so nice,” I concluded about myself. Nice, schmice. I was not nearly as nice as I thought I was. Yes, I put my kids and my husband first on my list, in that order. But was I really being nice when I yelled at them because I felt tired? Was I really being nice when I tried to use guilt so that they would “appreciate” all the nice things I did for them? Oh, and was I nice when I fed them McDonald’s burgers because I felt way too burned out to cook a decent meal? Hmmmmmm! I’ll be honest with you. I am the queen, the empress, the Czarina, of burnout. I was raised to take care of everyone else first, and then to take care of myself with whatever was left over. I actually pulled this off for quite a while until I had my third child in a four-year period. Somewhere in the middle of diapering lots of little behinds, endless nights of nursing, toilet training, working, keeping the bathrooms clean and trying to cook food that EVERYONE would eat, I lost myself. It was at this point that I went off the deep end. I will spare you all the details but the end result was that I almost lost my mind.

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But, I learned a lot. After a lot of painful introspection, I realized that I had built up years of a self-care deficit. I had spent much of my time and energy taking care of my loved ones, but virtually no time taking care of myself. Yet, I formed the bedrock upon which the foundation for my family rested. By neglecting myself and my own deep needs for renewal and nourishment, I had eroded the stability of my family structure. I was a tired, grumpy, out of shape woman. I had little energy to bring to my marriage. I didn’t feel attractive or beautiful so how could I even believe that my husband wanted to be with me? Because we had ignored our marriage, my husband I were not an effective parenting team and the children knew intuitively how to divide and conquer us. Because my children were acting out, I couldn’t get my work done and my business suffered. Because my business suffered, I put more hours into it and took even less time for myself creating a vicious cycle of suffering for everyone. I was definitely not nice! So, I made a commitment to myself that I would begin to take care of myself first. I wish I could say that was the end of the story. Of course, it wasn’t. I hadn’t prepared myself for the difficult task of taking care of myself first. I felt overwhelmed with guilt when I tried to take time for myself, and I felt resentful of my husband when he did something to nurture himself! I struggled to let go and trust that everything was going to be just fine without me for a few hours. I also had to accept that my husband had a different way of dealing with the kids while I was gone and if they had watermelon and Oreos for dinner they would live until the next day. In fact, the more the kids got used to Dad being in charge, the more they WANTED me to

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leave! (Note from husband: the kids never actually had watermelon and Oreos for dinner, just watermelon). In the beginning, I would often do inappropriate self-care as a way of getting out of the guilt of really nurturing myself. I used junk food as a great way to avoid taking good care of myself. Instead of doing something good for my body, like yoga, I would justify eating ice cream or chocolate as a way of taking care of myself. Oh yes, the ice cream was a lot easier than one hour of yoga, but ultimately, it did nothing to nourish my soul…only my thighs. I take care of myself more effectively these days. I have learned to recognize the symptoms of burnout and take preventative action before I go down that route. I consciously plan my self-care each week. I make dates with myself and keep them religiously. But, it still doesn’t feel like a natural process for me. I still have to use EFT to overcome the guilt and the resentment that sometimes builds up. Using EFT has given me the power to overcome my mental and emotional limitations that keep me from nurturing myself first. If you are feeling burned out on parenting, I encourage you to evaluate what beliefs you have that may be keeping you from taking care of yourself first. Listed below are some common beliefs that keep parents from taking care of themselves first: I don’t have enough time to take care of myself. I feel guilty leaving the kids. I wouldn’t know what to do by myself. I’ll take care of myself later. I’ll feel better if I just get a little work done first. Going to the grocery store is kind of like a break… I can’t afford to take care of myself. These are just a few examples, most of them taken straight from my very own experience. These limiting beliefs keep us from loving ourselves the way we deserve to be loved. EFT can address and

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remove every one of these limiting beliefs so that you can JOYFULLY take care of yourself the way you deserve and NEED to take care of yourself.

Try the following setups and see how they address your self-care issues:

Even though I feel guilty leaving the kids, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I don’t think I deserve to go out to a movie, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I believe that I don’t have time to take care of myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I don’t think I can afford to take care of myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I know that the house will be a mess when I get back, and that scares me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though my mother never modeled self-care for me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though it is hard for me to take care of myself first, I now choose to grant myself full permission to guiltlessly and joyfully take care of myself and nurture my mind, body and spirit because I know that it is in the highest good for everyone I love, including myself!

Tap on any resistance you may have! Nurturing yourself first is the greatest gift you can give yourself, your marriage, your children and even your work. Go on! Take yourself on a date! You’ll thank yourself later!

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EFT, Child Development, and Detachment I’ll be honest with you. When I first had children, I didn’t know anything about them. It took me quite some time to figure out that some of their “strange” behavior actually constituted a normal part of healthy development. This paradigm shift enlightening me. For example, once I realized that their obsessive use of the word “poop” represented a developmental milestone and not the beginning of some strange psychiatric disorder, I could relax and have fun being a parent again. My ability to detach from the daily situations allowed me to relax and laugh at some of my children’s behavior. Once I knew that the way they were behaving was normal for children, then I could enforce appropriate rules and boundaries without freaking out about the small stuff. Not surprisingly, the sooner I would emotionally detach from the behavior, the faster it would disappear. Sometimes when I teach about emotional detachment, parents think that I am telling them to disengage and stop caring about their child and his behavior. Detachment does not mean that you stop caring about your child. In fact, detachment is just the opposite. By emotionally detaching from a parenting situation, you remove your emotional issues and potential projections out of the way so that the child assumes full responsibility for the problem at hand. For example, let’s say that you have a child who is consistently being bullied by a kid at school. As a result, your child has become anxious and frightened about going to school. Of course, I strongly advocate that you take action to ensure your child’s safety. But, by first emotionally detaching from the situation, you can more easily empower your child to handle this bullying himself, rather than you jumping in and rescuing him. If you simply rescue him, he will soon encounter another situation where you will again have to rescue him. A life-long pattern of dependency develops.

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When we empower our children to handle things for themselves, we give them skills they can apply to any similar circumstances in the future. We literally give them “power” to cope with tough life situations. One way that you might empower the child in dealing with a bully, is to support him in talking with his teacher about his problem. Or perhaps you might encourage your child to gather a group of kids to walk to and from school with him. Whatever creative situation you create with your child, if you empower your child, odds are he will never manifest another situation with a bully again. And, as he gets older, he will be more and more comfortable coming to you for guidance because he will know that you support him in his growth and desire for independence. Please note, just because you detached doesn’t mean that you don’t follow up and check on the bully situation. You may even feel compelled to hang out at school a bit more yourself. That’s okay. Just be sure that your fear, anger and concern for the situation doesn’t overshadow your child’s emotions and their need to handle the situation for themselves. Having an understanding of normal developmental milestones allows a parent to detach from certain expected behaviors. If you know that fits of loud giggling occur with all normal pre-teens, you can walk by your nine-year-old daughter’s room and smile a big smile knowing that all is well in the pre-teen world and not feel irritated. If you know that four-year-old children love to say “poopoo” you won’t overreact. One more thing. You may know this already, but whatever your parents did to you and for you during these developmental stages is what you will feel tempted to do with your child. Long forgotten phrases will pop out of your mouth, and you will say in a horrified tone “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother!” And you are.

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We all do it. We all hear the voices from our childhood. Dealing with a discipline situation will inevitably bring up memories and emotions from the past. We have available to us, however, new information and skills that did not exist when our parents became parents. We therefore have the opportunity to choose how we will react to our child’s development, rather than reacting with conditioning we learned from our parents, grandparents, greatgrandparents, and so on. When you know EFT, and choose to use it, you can eliminate the urge to react in patterned ways. You have the power to create your own style of parenting that suits you and your family. You are no longer a slave to negative conditioning from the past. While you read the information below you may experience memories of how your parents handled the same issues with you. Use EFT to deal with any grief, sadness, anger, or unforgiveness that arises. Remember that your parents did the best they could with what information and skills they had available to them. They didn’t know EFT, but you do. When I talk about “detaching” from a situation, I mean that we detach our junk, our programmed patterned response, from the situation with our own child. We act in the moment, rather than re-acting based on the inner voices of our parents that we hear in our heads. By acting appropriately, we create children with high-self esteem and useful life skills.

Ages and Stages of Child Development In the following section I will briefly outline some normal developmental milestones and some expected challenging behavior associated with certain ages and stages. I will also include some EFT setups that you can do for yourself (and surrogately for your child, if you need to).

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Please note that this represents only a partial list of behaviors. Informing yourself about normal child development adds to your effectiveness as a parent.

Two – Six Weeks: During this developmental stage, the human brain almost doubles in size. Also during this period that the mother/child bond is cemented. Babies who are breastfed during this time will have a temporary increase in how much they nurse. It is important that babies be breastfed on demand during this growth spurt as the increased suckling is vital to establishing a healthy, abundant milk supply. (Don’t let any tell you otherwise. It took years of research to prove that breastfeeding on demand is vital to producing a healthy milk supply. Scheduled feedings, especially during this time can seriously affect the quality and quantity of breast milk!) Because of the intense amount of growth taking place during this vital stage in development, many babies develop colic. It is hypothesized that colic is simply a symptom of neurological disorganization due to the rapid growth of the brain and over-stimulation. Whatever the cause, if your baby has colic, you’re going to need EFT. My oldest daughter had colic for several weeks. She would cry every night from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. She would cry. I would cry. My husband would cry. We all cried! Unfortunately, I didn’t know EFT at the time but it sure would have helped! I had always read that many babies are shaken and abused if they have colic. I didn’t understand this until I actually lived it. When you have a baby with colic, you can get very over-stimulated and exhausted yourself. There were many times when I felt like putting a pillow over my baby’s face. Oh, I loved her so much, but she just kept screaming and screaming and there was nothing that I could do to stop it! The guilt and the feeling of powerlessness were overwhelming!

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Get as much rest as possible when your baby is this little. Sleep when they sleep. You and your family will survive on pizza and videos for a few weeks! Just clean the toilets, if you must, do some EFT and sleep. This, too, shall pass.

Here are some EFT setups to try: Even though I feel guilty resting when my baby sleeps, because there are just so many things to do, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am too tired to think… Even though I am frustrated with this baby who keeps screaming… Even though I feel overwhelmed by this baby… Even though my breasts hurt from nursing all the time… Even though I feel overwhelmed by the housework that needs to get done… Even though I feel guilty for wanting to hurt my baby… Even though I feel guilty for not giving my other child(ren) enough attention…

Try these setups and surrogate tap for your baby: Even though my tummy hurts and I can’t stop crying, I’m still a miraculous creation. Even though I’m having a hard time adjusting to this body… Even though I can’t stop screaming…

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Even though all this light and noise is disturbing… Even though I’m always hungry… Even though I’m having trouble settling down… Even though I’m having trouble sleeping… There are many little milestones during the first year of life. I won’t go into all of them because they can vary quite a bit from baby to baby. T. Berry Brazelton’s book, Touch Points, is an excellent resource for information about child development in the first years. One Year Olds Somewhere around a baby’s first birthday, they tend to go through another period of neurological disorganization. This usually occurs around the time when the child is preparing to walk. For some children, if they have been somewhat verbal before this, they may stop talking and focus exclusively on learning to walk. Even though learning to walk is exciting for parents, it can present certain challenges, too. Many children get very frustrated during this time. If you are the parent of a one year old, you may have a very determined but angry youngster on your hands. If you have an active, curious walker, you may also have to begin enforcing disciplinary limits for safety reasons. Disciplining these curious go-getters presents challenges, because cognitively they do not have the ability to reason. Believe me, I have spent many hours trying to explain to small beings why it is not a good idea to climb the shelf! It never worked! I just had to repeatedly remove the offender and try to distract him. No easy task, I assure you! It is common to see sleep disturbances during this time. Many one year olds who have been sleeping through the night begin to wake up again. Some give up their naps and spend their days in pursuit of that

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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first step only to collapse with tantrums and exhaustion at the end of the day. Although this is an exciting time, it can be a little tiring for parents. Here are some EFT setups to try: Even though I am frustrated that I’m having to get up in the middle of the night again, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am tired of trying to distract my baby… Even though I am tired of dealing with my baby’s frustration… Even though I am overwhelmed by child proofing my house… Even though I hate saying “no” over and over again…

Eighteen Months to Three Years: This is the phase of child development lovingly referred to as the “terrible twos”. I prefer to call it the “terrific twos”. And it truly is terrific. This is the time when a child begins to develop their sense of themselves and identity. During this time children have a need and a drive for power. And it is our job to give it to them, appropriately! There are so many new things that happen during this time frame. During this phase, as many children are put in new social situations and begin to experience some things separate from their parents, kids often develop separation anxiety. This can be gut wrenching for both parent and child. (For more information, see the section on EFT and Separation Anxiety). Also, during this developmental stage, children learn that infamous word “NO”. Having a two year old gives you a wonderful opportunity to resolve many of your own power issues. There is no greater challenge than modeling appropriate power in the check out

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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stand at the grocery store with a screaming, kicking two year old at your feet while all the other ladies look on. Many children this age begin to potty train, bringing more challenges for parents. I have read that most toddlers who get abused by parental figures are hurt while potty training. I didn’t understand this until I experienced it myself. Once again, my oldest daughter taught me many, many lessons about waiting until the child is ready. She also taught me a lot about power and revenge. There is no greater test of unconditional love than when a scowling two year old stares you dead straight in the eye and intentionally pees on your carpet right in front of you. Two year olds sometimes start to give up their naps, and this drives many parents over the edge. First of all, your schedule and routine changes. Secondly, most children go through a six-month period of transition when they give up a nap. Some kids are very tired and cranky at the end of the day without a nap but stay up until midnight should they fall asleep any later than midday. Others can manage to stay awake until you have to make a late afternoon car ride. Then the child zonks out for an hour while you drive through traffic, leaving you with a very awake toddler who has enough energy to ring in the next day. Either way, it can by trying. (Just a quick note…I don’t intend to focus only on the negative here. With each age and stage there are beautiful and exciting changes that happen in your child. It is a blessed miracle to watch your child’s personality unfold. By removing the negative emotions that inevitably come with parenting, especially when you are parenting without an extended family or community to support you, you can truly begin to enjoy and cherish each special moment with your child. As I write this, I am laughing at the memories of some of my parenting challenges. They seem so small now in retrospect. Although at the time when I experienced them, I thought they might mean the end of me and my sanity. I wish I had been able to put them in perspective when I was in the thick of things. EFT can help you

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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gain perspective and have a good laugh about your parenting journey!) Some other interesting challenges that you may see around two are unsociable behavior, repeated use of the phrase “mine”, biting and hitting. Two-year-olds aren’t ready to play with other kids. During this time, I encourage parents to allow a child to behave “selfishly” and not be forced to share. It’s just too hard for the child to understand. Sharing is developmentally appropriate when a child is closer to four years old. Trust that a child who has been allowed to manage her own property will gladly share later on down the road. Hitting and biting stem from a child’s frustration. Pre-verbal kids tend to use physical contact as communication. Many kids hit out of frustration. Aggression is normal at this age. It is important to enforce no hitting or hurting rules but do it gently and lovingly. It is very confusing for a child if they are hit or hurt while being taught to avoid the same behavior. So, on that note, here are some setups to try for yourself: Even though I want force my child to obey, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am so angry with my child for saying “no” all the time… Even though I am embarrassed by my child’s temper tantrums… Even though I feel out of control of my child… Even though I feel frustrated that my child keeps having potty accidents… Even though I am tired of carrying around bags of wet clothes… Even though I am angry with my child for not toilet training…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I am tired of timing our visits to the toilet… Even though I’m frustrated when my child says they don’t have to pee, and I KNOW that they do… Even though I’m tired because my child won’t sleep… Even though I’m angry with my child for not napping… Even though I miss MY quiet time in the afternoon and I need some time to myself… Even though my kid’s “selfishness” embarrasses me… Even though I’m afraid other people will think I’m a bad parent if I don’t force my child to share… Even though I think I’m a bad parent because my child hits/bites…

Here are some setups to try with your child. You may have to do these surrogately when the child is sleeping. Even though I am angry when I have to do things I don’t want to, I am a great kid. Even though I am frustrated when I can’t do what I want to do… Even though I am frustrated that I am not big enough to do some of the things I want to do… Even though I keep having potty accidents… Even though I am embarrassed when I have a potty accident… Even though I don’t want to stop playing to go potty…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I can’t always tell when I need to go potty… Even though I’m tired but I don’t want to take a nap… Even though I’m grumpy because I’m tired… Even though I don’t want to share… Even though I hit when I’m mad… Even though I bite when I’m mad… Even though I don’t like it when other kids come close to my toys…

Four Year Olds: I love four-year-olds. Four-year-olds are the bread and butter of my parent education practice. Most of my parenting classes are filled with anxious parents of four-year-olds. Remarkable brain changes occur somewhere around the fourth year. This is the time when the part of the brain that puts words to feelings, the limbic system, begins to develop. This development gives the child a whole new range of abilities. Four year olds become remarkable social creatures. They experiment with emotions, imagination, pretend play and rules. Because their imaginative abilities increase so dramatically during this time, four year olds lie and sometimes believe their own lies! (Relax, they will develop a conscience by the age of seven and won’t make good liars after that.) Four-year-olds can act moody and they enjoy experimenting with the full range of human emotions. Never let a four-year-old cry in front of a mirror! They can entertain themselves endlessly with a long series of sad faces. Four is a wonderful time to teach children about emotions and how to express them!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Four-year-olds can act bossy and then turn around and behave kindly toward their friends, often within the same minute! Four year olds love and hate their friends, then want to spend all their time with their friends, or alone, or with friends, or alone… Four-year-olds develop many fears. They commonly have nightmares, fear of the dark, fear of monsters, fear of death and fears of being orphaned, to name a few. Four-year-olds are perfectionists. Often if they feel that they have made a mistake, they want to do everything over again, from the beginning, even if you are running late… Four year olds love potty language. They embrace phrases like “poopoo”, “pee-pee”, “fart”, and take great pride in learning how to burp, the louder the better. They also like to stick the word “head” onto any other word they can. Some examples include brocoli-head, poo-poo head, donkey-head, baseball-head, kitty-cat-head, etc. Use your imagination. I promise you your four-year-old will use hers! The most common complaint that I encounter with parents of fouryear-olds is the sudden onset of attitude. Four-year-olds are tough and THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. And they don’t have to do what you say (or at least they think they don’t). It makes for an interesting year! What makes four especially challenging is that four-year-olds aren’t as cute as two-year-olds so they can’t get away with as much as they did when they were younger. And many of them have grown too big for you to physically remove them from the room, with dignity at least. So, you must match wits with these dynamic, creative creatures. And you better make sure you walk your talk because four year olds spend a lot of time examining the rules and if the rules don’t seem fair, they probably won’t adhere to them! The developmental task of the four-year-old is to integrate their own separate sense of identity and to begin to implement this identity into

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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the world around them. If you are the parent of a young adolescent, you may see a lot of similarities in the behavior of a four-year-old and a young teen. Their developmental tasks are the same and they share some of the same attributes. Patience and emotional teflon are the greatest tools for the parent of a four-year-old. It is vital that you not give too much attention to the wild fluctuations of a four-year-old. If you refrain from reacting, and gently remind the four-year-old that potty talk is to be done in the bathroom, then the behavior will probably go away sooner. If you spend a lot of time shaming the child and focusing on the negative behavior, you will only be reinforcing the behavior and making it last longer. Here are some setups to try for yourself: Even though I know my four year old is lying to me and I’m worried about her future, and I’m afraid she will develop into a criminal anti-social monster, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am angry with my child for lying… Even though I feel stupid because my child denies that she is lying and I know she is… Even though I am tired of all my child’s emotions… Even though I am frustrated with my child’s dramatic actions… Even though I am tired of my child’s moodiness… Even though I am worried about all my child’s fears… Even though my child’s endless fears annoy me…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I am frustrated that we are running late and my fouryear-old has to start getting ready all over again because she didn’t do it “right”… Even though I am embarrassed by my four-year-olds choice in clothing… Even though I think I will go crazy if I hear the word “poo-poo” again… Even though I want to wash my child’s mouth out with soap… Even though I am embarrassed by my child’s language… Even though I feel challenged by my child’s attitude… Even though I feel guilty for wanting to sell my four-year-old… Even though I feel guilty about how my four-year-old treats other children… Children by the age of four can easily master EFT. If fact, they love it because it gives them power to control themselves. Teach them to surrogate tap for others and it will double their pleasure! Here are some setups to try with your child: Even though I have these big feelings, I am a great kid. Even though I feel very sad… Even though I feel very angry… Even though I feel very frustrated… Even though I am scared of the (fill in the blank)… Even though I am scared I might die…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I am scared my Mom and Dad might die… Even though I get frustrated when I don’t do things right… Even though I can’t stop saying “poo-poo”… Even though my friends make me angry… Even though I feel lonely… Even though I want to be alone… Even though I don’t want to (fill in the blank)…

Six to Nine Years: I like to refer to this age as the honeymoon in parenting. Six to nineyear-olds are dynamically creative. They love to play pretend, experimenting with archetypal roles. These kids love to act out the roles of Superman, Spiderman, vets, doctors and various heroes and heroines. Except for a few bumps related to school (see EFT and Self-Esteem) most kids this age have an easier time than your typical four-year-old does. As they get closer to seven, their ability to verbalize their feelings, practice effective conflict resolution, and take care of the people around them increases. Friends are very important to kids this age and many kids develop “best” friendships. Supporting and encouraging these friendships is important. Kids are practicing opening their hearts and being intimate with each other. This is a time for secrets, clubs and make believe.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Sometimes kids this age each tease and form cliques. This can be very painful for the recipient of the teasing. Please see the section on EFT and Teasing for more information. If your child teases others, help them see their behavior from the other child’s point of view. Kids this age have a strong ability to empathize. Around this age kids begin to develop a conscience. You must model and discuss morality and ethics. If your child employs hurtful behavior, appeal to his conscience and help him understand the possible effects that hurting can have on others. This is a great time to teach children about world peace and prayer. These kids want to do good for the world! Enjoy this time! Breathe deep and relish each moment. Don’t push kids this age to grow up too fast. They don’t really need much, especially with a day full of school. These guys still need lots of free time, time to play in the mud, swing until sunset and climb trees. Limit the number of scheduled, structured activities they partake in. Read together, go for nature walks, paint and enjoy. They will be grown faster than you expect.

Pre-teens: Fasten your seatbelt! If you are currently the parent of a pre-teen then you know you are in for big changes! Pre-teens resemble four-yearolds. They want a lot of conflicting things at the same time. Pre-teens are positioning themselves to begin breaking away from you, and they often feel ambivalent about it. Not only are they struggling with their independence, but they are also dealing with hormonal and body changes as well as changes in the way they relate socially. Many preteens experience their first crushes and love relationships as well as deepening friendships that can profoundly influence their perception of reality. Pre-teens giggle. And they can’t help it. They giggle together. They giggle on the phone. If they spend the night together, they can giggle

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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all night. The hormones released during this developmental phase causes giggling, and mood swings and unexplained crying fits. Recently my eleven-year-old was packing to go on a four-day camping trip to Arkansas. He was very excited about going. The afternoon before he was leaving he was upstairs in his room packing. He disappeared for quite a while so I went up to check on him. Imagine my surprise when I found him with his head under his bed and his growing feet sticking out in the middle of the room! When I asked him if he was okay, he pulled his head out from under the bed and I could see that he was crying. He had such a confused look on his face. With a half-smile half-sob he told me that he didn’t really know why he was crying, he just was. I nodded my head, gave him a hug, asked him if he wanted to tap (NO!) and left the room with a grin on my face. Of course, I surrogate tapped for him outside his closed door. Pre-teens experience a huge surge in brain development. This may make them seem somewhat neurologically disorganized. These kids can seem forgetful or even a little spacey. Pre-teens can be extremely egocentric. Everything seems to be about them. They sometimes need assistance in seeing things from different points of view, especially yours. It is common for pre-teens to tease younger siblings and to not be as tolerant of them. At the same time, they can be very protective of younger siblings, particularly if something happens to them outside of the family. (See the section on EFT and Teasing.) Pre-teens can engage in power struggles quite frequently. It is important that you provide them with appropriate ways to have power and treat them respectfully. Like four-year-olds, they are watching your every move so it is vital that you act with integrity around kids this age. If you feel out of control with frustration, remove yourself

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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from the situation and tap until you can model the behavior you expect from your child. If you have issues relating to sexuality or perhaps memories of the discomfort of your own budding body, these may pop up for you as you watch your child’s body bloom and grow. This is not a time for embarrassment or fear about talking to your children about the changes that their bodies are experiencing. Your pre-teen will have enough concerns for both of you. EFT is a great tool to help you with any discomfort that you may feel addressing your child’s questions. Open and honest exchange of information is vital for kids this age. If you don’t have “the talk” with them, I promise you they will have “the talk” with their friends. Who do you want your children to learn from? Pre-teens may need to sleep more. They are not lazy. The body can only release growth hormones during sleep. Because of the rapid rate of growth in their bodies, these kids have to sleep more. And you may have to help them recognize their growing need for sleep. Many parents begin to experience the first stages of grief for our children as they reach this age. This is the beginning of letting go. These kids are developing adult bodies, their friends seem more important to them than parents (and they kind of are…), and they are taking on new challenges and new roles. For many of us, this is the beginning of the realization that these kids will be growing up and leaving us. EFT can help this be a time of celebration for you and your child! Here are some EFT setups that may be helpful during this time: Even though all this giggling is driving me crazy, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though my child’s moodiness is annoying…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I feel bad for my child… Even though I feel frustrated with my child because I have to tell him things over and over… Even though I am angry with my child for only thinking of himself… Even though my child resists everything I ask him to do… Even though I am worried that my daughter is developing too fast… Even though it is hard to see my little girl interested in boys… Even though I feel uncomfortable talking to my son/daughter about sex… Even though I feel nervous talking to my son/daughter about the changes that are going on with their bodies… Even though I was a late bloomer and it was hard for me… Even though I am annoyed that my child is still asleep at noon on Saturday… Even though I am frustrated that my child is sleepy and listless all the time… Even though it is hard to let go of my child… Even though I am going to miss my child… Even though I am afraid to let my child go out into the world… Even though I am afraid that my child can’t take care of herself…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though it is hard for me to let my child go, I now choose to painlessly release her and celebrate her emerging independence! Some setups to use with your child: Even though I feel out of control of my feelings, I am a great kid. Even though I feel sad and I don’t know why… Even though I keep forgetting things… Even though I feel like everyone is yelling at me… Even though I have to do things I don’t want to do and it makes me feel angry… Even though everyone is treating me like a baby… Even though I am worried about my body… Even though I am not growing as fast as everyone else… Even though some of the changes in my body are scary… Even though my body embarrasses me… Even though I want to do things I’m not allowed to do… Even though my friends want me to do things I don’t want to do… Even though I don’t always know what to do… Even though I feel left out… Even though I am afraid that everybody hates me… Even though boys pay attention to me and I don’t want them to…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Big Hint: when in doubt, tap for YOURSELF first, then for your child

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Self-Esteem The health of a child’s self-esteem is one of the most crucial factors influencing a child’s successes in school and in life. Children with high self-esteem tend to do better in school, have stronger immune systems, are less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol as teens, and become sexually active at a later age. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem include: poor grades, excess weight, difficulty with friendships, anger and defiance, moodiness, sleep problems, depression, and more. Some appear obvious, while other are harder to identify. Also, many of these symptoms typify normal milestones in the development of a child. For example, it is developmentally normal for four-year-olds and twelve-year-olds to act moody. It is also common for four-year-olds to experience sleep problems and nightmares. I have found that there are two crucial times in a child’s life when they tend to show the symptoms of low self-esteem. The first period of time when a child is likely to suffer from low self-esteem is during the first grade. Usually this occurs more with boys than girls. In the first grade, children face a new set of challenges that they have never before encountered. First grade is usually the first time a child leaves from home the whole day. The days seem very long and for many kids, it really is too long. More and more school districts have eliminated from the academic day the free playtime that so essential for the neurological development of the child. Many kids suffer physically and emotionally from this lack of free time. If you ask a four-year-old what he knows, he will very smartly tell you that he knows everything. When children fully enter school, it becomes profoundly clear to them that they, in fact, know very little. First graders are surrounded by giant teachers and big kids and they

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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become keenly aware that they are the small fish in the pond. This can have a hard effect on a child’s self esteem. In the first grade, most children are taught reading and other higher level academic skills. Contrary to popular belief, reading is not a knowledge acquisition skill, rather it is a developmental task. What that means is that children will learn to read easily when they are developmentally ready to read. For most children this occurs around the age of eight. Children can master reading at an earlier age but they struggle with it, experiencing frustration, eyestrain and low selfesteem. Boys tend to read at a later age than girls and I think it is no coincidence that boys get diagnosed with a higher rate of learning disabilities, in the public school system, than do girls. I believe that teaching reading before readiness, coupled with lack of adequate playtime, constitute the two most important causes of boys acting out so much more than girls in school. Not surprisingly, the second most common time to see self-esteem disturbances in children is during the middle school years. Middle school seems to affect girls more than boys although this may be an illusion. It is more culturally acceptable for girls to talk about their feelings whereas boys have a tendency to act out more. Innumerable factors contribute to self-esteem issues in young adolescents are. Some possibilities include body and hormonal changes, academic performance, budding relationships and sexuality, and the changing relationship that young teens have with their families and with the world. The scary part, from a parent’s perspective, is that low self-esteem during young adolescence will manifest in self-destructive behavior and bad choices. As parents we must stay tuned in to our kids during this time, and we must prepared to doctor our childrens’ self-esteem if need be. The Emotional Freedom Techniques provide some valuable tools to help children with self-esteem issues.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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THE IMPORTANCE MODELLING SELF-ESTEEM Before you address any self-esteem issues with your child, I encourage you to examine your own self-esteem. It is very hard for children to know what high self-esteem is if they have never seen it modeled. How do you present yourself to your children? Do you respect yourself? Do you demand appropriate respect from your family and the world around you? Do you set clear limits and boundaries for yourself? Do you love your body? These are important questions to address and think about. Most of us have some kind of self-esteem issue. Don’t beat yourself up about it. We all form some kind of belief system about ourselves, based on our life experiences as we grow up, and inevitably most of us pick up a limiting belief or two (or more). With EFT, we can start eliminating these limiting beliefs. So try some of these setups and see what kinds of issues these bring up for you: Even though I hate my body, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I’m not good at math… Even though I can’t write… Even though I am shy and hate speaking out… Even though I am impatient… Even though I don’t deserve time to myself… Even though I don’t make time for myself a priority… Even though I don’t have a college degree…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I don’t make a lot of money… These are just a few to get you started. Try the ones that resonate for you and see what some of your triggers for your self-esteem issues might be. You may be surprised that you have a lot more in common with your child than you think! If you think that you have self-esteem issues, take the opportunity to address these issues together with your child. This is a great chance to talk about how important self-esteem and positive self-talk are for achieving success in life. Make an agreement to address self-esteem issues together and “police” your self-talk together. Monitor the words and actions that you take and reflect on how these speak to the state of your self-esteem. If your child is willing, use EFT together to tap on self-esteem issues. Some sample setups include: Even though I’m not good at math, I am a great kid. Even though I’m not good at P.E…. Even though I hate school… Even though I am shy… Even though I have a hard time making friends… Even though I feel uncomfortable about my growing body… Even though I hate my body… Even though other kids tease me… Again, these are just a few examples. Work with your child and create your own setups that work for you!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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In addition to addressing your own self-esteem and working with your child, I urge you to consider any limiting beliefs that you may have about your child. Children will rise to meet our level of expectation. If we believe that a child is difficult, or bad at math, or illogical or emotional, then we will spend our time collecting “data” to support our belief system. Our words, actions and energy related to our belief system will be communicated on some level to our child. REMEMBER THIS: What YOU believe about your child has a profound effect on his or her self-esteem. I would venture to say that what YOU believe about a child has more power than what he believes about himself. Until the age of four or five, in fact, what YOU believe about your child determines what she believes of herself. Babies, toddlers, and young children cannot distinguish between their own beliefs and their parents’ beliefs because their own beliefs stem directly from the parents. Children have no beliefs of their own until they begin to separate from the parents. Your self-esteem, therefore, impacts your child’s self-esteem tremendously. Tap for your child, and with your child, and PLEASE…tap for yourself. In raising your self-esteem you give your child a priceless gift. Use EFT to help you rewrite any limiting beliefs that you may have about your child (our yourself): Even though my child isn’t good in school, I deeply and completely love and accept my child and myself. Even though my child doesn’t make friends easily… Even though my child has a funny body… Even though my child inherited my behind and my thighs…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though my child is uncooperative and has to be told things over and over… Even though my child is rebellious… Even though my child is just like her father… I encourage you to tap on these (and any other setups you may come up with) by your child’s bed at night when they are asleep. It is so hard to harbor any limiting beliefs about a child when they are peacefully slumbering. Look at their beautiful baby face, connect deeply with the profound love you feel for this little person and tap. You will be amazed at how simply doing this one exercise will dramatically improve your child’s self-esteem. We all deserve to love ourselves unconditionally! Tap away! Be free!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Surrogate Tapping Okay, here is the part of EFT that gets weird(er). If I hadn’t experienced this for myself, I would never have believed that it worked! Are you ready for this? Here goes: You can pretend to be somebody else and use EFT for them and it still works! (In fact, this even works on animals, see www.animalEFT.org for more details). If someone is not willing or able to tap for themselves, you can simply pretend to be that person, tap on your own body and do EFT for them. What a powerful healing tool this can be for parents! I tried surrogate tapping one day out of desperation. My youngest son has a very intense personality. When he was around four years old he had many emotional meltdowns, as most four-year-olds do. On this particular day, he had had several meltdowns and I had become quite frustrated with his behavior. At one point, in order to save his little life, I retreated into my bedroom to regroup my energy (and to keep from putting a FOR SALE sign on his back and sending him up the road). My son followed me and started to kick me. Naturally, I guided him out of my room, shut the door and locked it. He proceeded to bang and kick on the door to the point where I was concerned that he would kick a hole in the door. I was tempted to throw the door open and put an immediate stop to his banging but I knew that I was now beyond the point where I could respond effectively as a parent. I knew that if I opened that door, I would probably spank my son. I had spanked this child before out of desperation and it NEVER helped anything. When spanked, he would never cry, but would just look at me with disdain and disgust that I had sunk to such a low level of response.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Not knowing what to do next, I began to tap on my own anger and frustration until I got myself to a calmer place. Through all this, my son kept banging on the door. So, I imagined that I was my son and got emotionally in touch with all of his frustration and anger. Then I began to tap for him using my own body. With just two rounds, the banging on the door subsided. After a moment, my son quietly asked if he could come in. I opened the door, picked him up and we settled into our favorite rocking chair, looking out over the treetops in our backyard. We snuggled and rocked without talking for a good thirty minutes. After emotionally regrouping, we were then able to discuss the day’s events and how we could both change some of our responses in the future. I don’t know why or how this whole process worked but it has worked for me so many times since then that I can not deny its effectiveness. Not only does EFT and surrogate EFT eliminate the intense negative feelings that you can experience as parents but it somehow enhances the emotional bond between you and your child. I have experienced the most loving emotions for my children after using EFT. Feeling and remembering this love for my children has assisted me in being so much more effective with my teaching and with my discipline. These emotions have also helped me connect profoundly with my own joy and delight at being a mother, even when there are dishes in the sink and a severe shortage of clean underwear! I have since used surrogate EFT for many issues. I like to go into my children’s rooms and tap for them while they are asleep, especially when I know that they have a challenging event coming up in the next day. I have surrogate tapped for their physical and emotional pain, self esteem issues, for nightmares, for grief and for stress relief. I also tap for my children surrogately when they refuse to tap for themselves. Sometimes, it is developmentally normal for your child to resist you when you know that tapping will help them. This is especially true if the child has serious reversal on an issue, meaning that they would rather maintain the problem than get over it.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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For example, my oldest daughter sometimes has trouble setting firm boundaries with her friends. She tends to let others walk all over her feelings, or dictate terms of play to her. This is a chronic issue for her and not surprisingly, she is unwilling to tap on it. It might have something to do with a fear of alienating friends. Regardless of the reason, it results in frustration when other kids abuse her kindness. So, I surrogate tap for her on this issue. I’ve had many occasions now when I tapped for this exact issue for her and the next day she expressed cognitive shifts in her perception of the situation between her and the friend. In other words, she felt willing to set better boundaries and actually changed her behavior in order to do that. The steps for surrogate tapping are simple: 1. Tap on your own emotional involvement first. Make sure that you are emotionally detached before you go to the next step. 2. With your mind, imagine that you are your child and “tune in” to their emotional issue. 3. When you can “feel” that you “are” your child, begin tapping for them. Use the following setup to start with: I am (child’s name), and even though I have (this problem), I deeply and completely accept myself. 4. Continue tapping until it feels right to stop.

If you are dealing with a chronic problem, I encourage you to tap for your child at night when you are by their bedside. But don’t feel limited to this. I have even surrogate tapped for people who were in a different State or another part of the world I have seen results. If your child does not

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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object, tap for him in his presence. If tapping for him embarrasses him, go in the other room and see if you can surrogate tap there. Be mindful of how it feels to tap for another person. If you feel resistance or it just somehow doesn’t feel good to tap for someone, don’t do it. It is important that you get permission to tap for someone else. I believe that if you feel resistance then on an unconscious level the other person is denying you permission to tap for them. If that happens, check your level of emotional attachment then bless the other person and lovingly release them to the consequences of their choices. This process of surrogate tapping works for animals as well. Just “become” your pet, insert their name in the setup and tap away!

This is a hands-on book, so I hope you aren’t just reading! Start tapping! You’ll feel better! 51

Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Bedtime Do you dread the end of the day because you fight with your kids over bedtime? Do your kids come to you for endless cup after cup of water after you’ve already tucked them in several times? Do your kids suddenly develop malnutrition and starvation every night at 8:00 p.m. in spite of having had a nice dinner an hour earlier? Are you blackmailed into reading 20 Clifford the Big Red Dog books until you have to prop your eyelids open with toothpicks? Have no fear, help is at hand! Bedtime struggles are one of the biggest challenges facing most parents. Even though this may seem like a simple problem, bedtime struggles are usually a symptom of greater issues in your parenting relationship with your child. Making a commitment to tackle bedtime takes a lot of energetic reserves on the part of the parent and lots of patience and understanding. So, before you tackle bedtime issues, make sure that you have had an opportunity to nurture yourself first! Bedtime is a very important time for children of all ages. Bedtime brings closure to the day. It is a wonderful time to discuss the day and look at some of the issues your child may have had that day. It is time for snuggles, back rubs, quiet reading and songs. Even older kids need a gentle bedtime. If you have a pre-teen or even an older teen, you will be surprised at how much they still appreciate a back rub or even a snuggle. Often with an older child you don’t have to do or even say anything. Just laying with your child in silence opens a gateway to communication. I usually advise parents to simply listen and say uh-huh as your teen spills her guts to you before she goes to sleep. I have had the best conversations with my eleven-yearold son right at bedtime! It’s almost as if he needs the quiet darkness to process his day and all of his thoughts about the universe before he falls asleep.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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The biggest obstacle to having a peaceful bedtime is lack of self-care on the part of the parents. Have you ever noticed that when you need a break the most, you experience the worst bedtime fights? This then starts a vicious cycle that I call the Slam-Dunk Cycle. When you experience the Slam-Dunk Cycle, you slam-dunk your kids into bed because you desperately need a break from your routine and you want to watch the movie you rented, or your favorite television show, and you want to start watching it sometime BEFORE midnight. Your kids, sensing that your attention is focused elsewhere, get up (repeatedly) because they need a drink of water, have to go to the bathroom, want you to read one more story, feel scared because the room is too dark and there’s a monster under their bed, etc…. You then slam-dunk them back into bed until they cry themselves to sleep. An then you feel guilty. Sound familiar? A child’s need for attention is like a little cup. Throughout the course of the day, you fill the little cup up and your child walks away feeling important and loved. If we fill our children’s cups on a regular basis, their need to get inappropriate attention decreases and they generally will ask for normal attention. Consequently, bedtime for kids with full cups is a lot easier. They fall asleep with their attention needs filled. But, when our own needs for self-care and nourishment are not met, it becomes very difficult for us to fill your kids’ cups. Makes sense, right? How can you give something that you yourself don’t have? When kids have empty cups, they find inappropriate ways to get their attention needs filled. Misbehavior is a wonderful way to get inappropriate attention. It may not be positive attention but to most kids any kind of attention is better than no attention at all. So, the very first step that I encourage you to take if you are dealing with bedtime issues is to make sure that you are taking good care of yourself first! See the section about EFT and Self Care for some ideas and setups.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Once your needs for self-care are met, then it is time to address your children’s needs. Bedtime is a wonderful time to fill your child’s attention cup. Make sure that you are creating enough time in your evening for bedtime. Make bedtime routine and consistent. It needs to be the same everyday. You and your children need to know what to expect. Be firm and kind about enforcing the routine. If your child refuses to cooperate, carry out the routine without them and when it is truly time for their bodies to be in bed, gently and lovingly carry them to bed. Odds are, the first time you do this you will have to gently and firmly carry your screaming child back to bed several times until they know that you are serious. This is a wonderful time to experience what I call Tag-Team Parenting. When your patience starts to run out and you feel like duct-taping your child into their bed, turn this part of the process over to your partner while you go do EFT: Even though I feel like duct-taping my child in bed, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I want to run away and never come back… Even though my child’s screaming makes me feel guilty… Even though I feel like spanking my child… For most kids, it takes three days of firm limit setting before they happily understand the new routine. Each day that you enforce the limits, the struggles should get shorter. Rest assured, there are some kids with more stamina who will take more than three days to adjust, but hold firm in your expectations. Establishing a routine will make things much better in the long run! Make your bedtime routines soothing and calming. My Dear Husband has. Use aromatherapy, back rubs, peaceful stories or even some quiet time with a candle (blow it out with your child to

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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symbolize the sun setting and the end of the day) to get your child (and yourself) into a calm place before they go to bed. Most kids, especially around the ages of 3-6, have fears about the dark and nightmares. These fears are developmentally normal but disturbing to both you and your child. I have had a lot of success with using EFT for nightmares and fears with my own children. My oldest son, in particular, had a lot of problems with nightmares for several years. Tapping gave him power over his fear and worked very well for him. Before you tap for fear and nightmares with your kids, make sure that you have tapped on your own fears and worries first. When our children have nightmares, it hurts us as parents because we want to stop our children’s fears. Secondly, if you repeatedly have to get up in the middle of the night or if you have a restless, frightened child in your bed every night, you can start to lose our patience. Even though I’m worried about my child’s nightmares, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I feel bad that my child has to suffer through this… Even though I am tired of explaining that there is no monster under the bed… Even though I am frustrated that nothing seems to stop my child’s nightmares… Even though I am tired of getting up in the middle of the night… Even though I am annoyed that my child keeps coming into my bed… After you have tapped on your own emotional issues relating to your child’s nightmares, you can then begin to tap with your child. I encourage you to tap before your child goes to sleep and then, of

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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course, if your child has a bad dream or wakes up frightened in the middle of the night: Even though I am scared of the dark, I am a great kid. Even though I am scared of my closet… Even though I think there is something scary under my bed… Even though I am afraid to be alone… Even though I am afraid to go to sleep because I might have a bad dream… Even though I keep dreaming about monsters… Even though I had a scary dream… Just one more quick note on bedtime…There are so many “expert” opinions on what are the “right” sleeping circumstances. I have worked with so many parents who feel guilty because their children sleep with them in their beds for several years, or parents who feel guilty because they just don’t get any sleep with their kids in their bed. I truly believe that there is no right or wrong in this situation. In truth, most kids will want to sleep in their own rooms by the time they are seven or eight years old. And, kids learn to handle their fears no matter where they sleep. A good night’s rest makes for better parenting. Do whatever works best for you.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Boredom As I write this, it is summer time and my four kids are languishing with boredom. At least once a day one of the comes to me and whines those famous words that make a parent cringe, “I’m bored, Mama. There’s nothing to do.” Now, I have witnessed some pretty interesting ways to resolve boredom in my house. One of my children thinks its very exciting to poke his little sister and make her shriek loud enough to shatter all the windows. Another child thinks that I am the only solution to her boredom so she sits next to me while I am working and sings at the top of her lungs until I stop what I am doing and play with her. Of course, we also have the obvious boredom stoppers, TV and computer games. I have also noticed that when I encourage my kids to push past their boredom, they begin to understand that boredom is really a creative opportunity (boy do they groan when I remind them of that…). Right now all four of my children are huddled together in one of the bedrooms planning to pool their financial resources and purchase some new Legos to add to their ongoing Lego Star Wars game. Over the course of the summer the kids have designed and built a series of intergalactic ships that fly on a series of missions to save the universe. I believe that if my kids had not experienced a touch of boredom, they would never have allowed themselves to stretch beyond their limiting beliefs about what is “fun”. Feeling bored gave them an opportunity to think “outside of the box” about what they wanted to create for themselves. Stretching and going beyond limits is what growing is all about! Here are some EFT setups to help you support your children through boredom: (Do these for yourself first!) Even though my kids are bored, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I feel annoyed by my kid’s boredom… Even though I want to find something for my kids to do, I now choose to give them the gift of boredom and support them in finding their own creative solutions to their boredom.

(For your kids) Even though I’m bored and I don’t know what to do, I am a great kid. Even though there is nothing to do… Even though this house is boring… Even though all my toys are boring… Even though it is too hot to go outside… Even though I don’t know what to do, I know I’m creative and how to make my own fun!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Car Sickness When I was a kid, my brother used to gross me out every time we took a car trip. He was always carsick. And, he would never tell us when he was feeling sick. All he would do was emit a weird little whine and then be sick all over the back seat. I was soon conditioned enough to that weird little whine that whenever I heard it, I would duck and cover, so to speak. My mother learned to yank my brother out of the back seat at light speed and deposit his retching body swiftly onto the side of the road. So far, as a mother, I have been fairly lucky in the car sickness department. Of course, I have spent most of my mothering years in Texas where there are no hills or curvy roads. But, I do have one child that gets queasy every once and a while. EFT is a wonderful tool to help with carsickness. If you have a child who is prone to carsickness, first tap on the potential of getting sick before you actually leave your driveway: Even though I usually get car sick, I am still a great kid. Even though I’m afraid I’ll get carsick… Even though curvy roads make me sick… Even though I usually get car sick, I choose to have a peaceful ride without throwing up. You can teach your child to tap for their carsickness if they develop symptoms on the road. You can try to surrogate tap for them as well but please keep your hands on the steering wheel! Even though I feel like I’m going to throw up, I am still a great kid. Even though my tummy hurts…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though all these curves make me queasy… Even though I feel sick to my stomach… Throwing up can be a traumatic and even embarrassing experience for some kids. If you need to do some posttraumatic tapping after the fact, here are some setups to try: Even though I’m embarrassed that I threw up, I’m still a great kid. Even though I hate throwing up… Even though throwing up makes me feel out of control… Even though vomit is gross… Take these setups on the road with you (and, of course, bring a change of clothes and baggies) and may your travels be vomit free!

P.S. You can try these setups for morning sickness, too: Even though everything I eat makes me sick, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I feel sick all the time… Even though I know I need to eat but food makes me queasy… Even though I’m afraid to eat because I know I’ll just feel sick again… Remember that morning sickness is a good indicator that your pregnancy is healthy! Hopefully it will pass quickly!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Messy Rooms One of the most common complaints that parents have is about the state of their child’s bedroom. If you are like most parents, you are an expert at walking around and over large pointed plastic obstacles. You probably have devised numerous systems to help your child organize their things and have chanted the mantra, “ Put the toy you are playing with away before you get another toy out” at least a hundred times! But, to no avail. One of my favorite questions to ask myself when dealing with any parenting issue is “Whose problem is it?” Messy rooms give us such an opportunity to evaluate this statement. If your child’s room is a wreck, whose problem is it, yours or your child’s? The answer will be different for all of you. Sometimes a child’s room is a mess because they have too many things. Children really don’t need a lot of things to play with. In fact, the fewer, more open-ended toys that they have, the more chances the kids get to experiment with their imagination. Some great open-ended toys include: large silk scarves, wooden blocks, simple cars, Legos, a doll, a stuffed animal, baskets, a tea set, and more… I always find it amusing that, especially for younger kids, the box a toy comes in entertains the child for more than the actual toy. We tend to accumulate things (toys) out of guilt. Many of the toys my children have were given to them by family members. Even though I don’t like some of the toys, I feel guilty getting rid of them because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We also tend to buy things for our kids when we feel guilty about our parenting. If you travel a lot, have been busy or emotionally preoccupied, or are just somehow not feeling good about your parenting, it is easier to deal with your own anxiety by buying your kids a toy. Sometimes, it is just plain difficult to say “no” to a child when we don’t have the emotional reserves to stand our ground. I can’t tell you

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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how many times I have surrendered my ideals in the Wal-Mart toy department in an effort to divert a child from a full-blown tantrum. Trying to help your child master the madness in his room can be a challenge to even the most sane of parents. It is important, first of all, to have developmentally appropriate expectations for your child. Children under the age of seven can’t be expected to pick up their stuff all by themselves. Although it isn’t necessary for you to actually pick up their things with them, it is important that you help them plan their picking up strategy. A big mess easily overwhelms small children (and I bet you do too!). Help them break the task into manageable step such as, “First pick up the green Legos, now the yellow, then the blue.” After the age of seven, it does become easier for children to pick up by themselves but they still may need some organizational assistance. I encourage you to involve the child in organizing their own room and creating a system of picking up for themselves. Older children understand categories and classification. Have fun together creating an orderly system. Adolescent children will have different room issues. As personal power is a major developmental milestone for teens, allowing them to create and maintain their own space the way they want it is vital. Of course, you can set guidelines and limits such as, no food in your room, or, clothes that make it to the laundry basket will get washed. However, I strongly encourage you to develop a relatively hands off policy when it comes to room maintenance with teens. Practice closing the door and affirming that one-day this child will live in an immaculate house! Of course, EFT can help you maintain your sanity and stay detached from the messy room issue. Here are some setups for you to try: Even though my child’s messy room drives me nuts, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though I feel overwhelmed by my child’s mess… Even though I feel guilty forcing my child to get rid of some of her toys… Even though I feel guilty getting rid of toys my mother bought for the kids… Even though I feel guilty saying “no” to my child in Wal-Mart… Even though I don’t have the emotional reserves to handle a tantrum in Wal-Mart… Even though I am afraid I won’t find my teenager in the middle of the mess in his room… Even though I feel like burning my child’s room… Even though I’m burned out on cleaning my child’s room… Even though it’s hard for me to let go of my need for my child to have a clean room… Even though I hate closing my child’s bedroom door because I know that the mess still exists behind the door…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Physical Pain EFT is remarkably easy and effective to use for physical pain. Use the following protocol for treating pain with EFT: 1. Rate your pain on a scale of 0-10, 0 being no pain and 10 being a lot of pain. If you are tapping with your child, have them rate their pain themselves. If they are too little to understand the pain scale, have them show you how “big” their pain is with their hands. Of course, if they are writhing in pain, you don’t have to have them evaluate their pain. Just treat it. You’ll know when they feel better. 2. Use the following setup for pain: Even though I have this (physical pain and location on the body), I am still a great kid! Example: Even though I have this pain in my tummy, I am still a great kid. 3. Tap the EFT sequence. 4. Evaluate the pain. 5. If the pain is still present, tap again and use the following setup:

Even though I still have this (physical pain and location on the body), I am still a great kid! 6. Re-evaluate the pain. Sometimes physical pain will change location until it leaves the body. Change the setup to reflect the new body pain location. Keep tapping until the pain is gone.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Don’t be surprised if there is an emotional issue that comes up when you are tapping for physical pain. I have found that most of our physical pain, especially chronic pain, is related to an emotional issue. Children tend to carry their emotional pain in their tummies and heads. Headaches and tummy aches are common manifestations of anxiety and stress in children. Address the physical symptoms and then address the emotional issues!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Teasing Many children are victims of teasing, especially in early childhood. Being teased can create a vicious cycle for kids. The more they get teased, the more they react. The more they react, the more they get teased, and so on. EFT helps kids get out of the teasing cycle. I believe that once a child changes his energetic response to teasing, he becomes a less likely target for teasing. By becoming immune to teasing, kids gain power. And, powerful children don’t get teased. Here are some setups to use with a child who is being teased. Be sure that you are tapping on your own issues first. It is very hard to get out of wanting to rescue a child who is being teased. Even though I feel sad because the other kids called me stupid, I am a powerful kid! Even though I’m angry because they said I was a girl… Even though I hate school because the other kids call me names… Even though I’m scared to go to school because the other kids are mean to me… Even though I don’t think I can stop the other kids from teasing me… Even though I don’t feel safe at school… Even though I feel hurt because the other kids laugh at me… Once kids can get past their emotional pain related to being teased, they can find creative solutions to handling teasing at school or at home.

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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I strongly encourage parents of kids who are being teased to practice using affirmations with their child. An affirmation is simply a positive statement that your child can use to bolster his self-esteem. Some examples include: I am a powerful person. No matter what anyone says or does, I am still a great person. I am strong, brave and wonderful! I have a lot of friends who love me and respect me! I am loved and protected by God and my angels. Sometimes I teach kids who get teased to create an imaginary animal spirit to travel with them to take care of them when they get into uncomfortable situations. My youngest son is very sensitive and just seems to know when someone doesn’t like him. He has an imaginary white dragon named Winter who travels with him and “smoothes things out for him” when the going gets tough. Winter is a great friend who gives my son profound messages of support and love. I know that one day this imaginary friend will be integrated into his subconscious where Winter will continue to broadcast powerful messages of unconditional love! If your child is the one doing the teasing, it is important that you also address this child and his behavior. Kids who tease often hurt others because they themselves feel over-powered or out of control of some aspect of their life. Contrary to popular belief, children are not cruel by nature. It is NOT normal for children to hurt other children. Because I hold firm to the tenet that EFT is good for everything, I encourage you to tap with the teasing child to get to the root cause of their behavior. Even though I feel like teasing Johnny, I am still a great kid. Even though I hurt Johnny’s feelings… Even though teasing makes be feel big…

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Even though it’s fun to tease people… Even though I make fun of John because he’s better than me in math… Sometimes kids tease other kids when they feel angry, out of control or are suffering from low self-esteem. You may have to play parent detective to find the source of your child’s need to tease. Use empathy and encourage your child to see teasing from the other person’s point of view. This works both for the teaser and the recipient of the teasing. A child who is encouraged to engage their conscience in evaluating their own behavior may learn a wonderful lesson. Children who gain an understanding into the possible motivation of a perpetrator can also learn about empathy and forgiveness!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and World Peace Kids often feel powerless to change the world around them. Many kids are only too aware of the issues facing the world and are anxious to do some good. EFT offers kids an opportunity to take part in shifting mass consciousness for the better. Although I am an advocate of carefully screening what children are exposed to, I have found it impossible to hide my children away and keep them from all the nasty things that happen in the world. Even my four-year-old has been asking me lately about how God can create such bad things. These wonderful questions provide us with opportunities to teach children about our own belief systems and values. With my fouryear-old I gently explained that we are hard-wired to be positive. God doesn’t create bad things; people make choices with mistaken motivations and information. Then we talk about how EFT can help people remember the God spark inside themselves. I also teach my children to surrogate tap for others and for Mother Earth. Of course, you probably have experienced by now how effective surrogate tapping can be. I can’t say for sure that when we tap for someone continents away that we impact their lives. But I like to think we do. After tapping surrogately for others, my kids come up with glorious ways to be of service. Surrogate tapping for the world helps my children develop compassion and gratitude. Surrogate tapping reminds them that we are all part of one huge electronic matrix and when we tap into the matrix to “correct” mistakes and remove glitches, we make the matrix stronger. It also helps my children understand that until we are all free, none of us is truly free. Here are some setups for world peace:

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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I am a hungry child and even though I don’t have enough to eat, I am still a great kid. I am a hurting child and even though I hurt, I am a great kid. I am the rain forest, and even though I am being cut down, I am still magnificent. I am a farmer with bad soil, even though I am scared about feeding my family, I am a good man. I am a child in a war and even though I am scared, I am still a great kid.

If this idea excites you, here are some EFT setups for you to try on your own: I am a hungry mother and even though I can’t feed my children, I now choose to know that God is unlimited supply. I am a mother frightened for the safety of my children and even though I am scared, I choose to know that we are Divinely protected. I am a mother with a child who is hurting and even though I ache for my child, I now choose to know that healing light and love surrounds my child. It is, of course, very easy for us to affirm these Truths for others. I can only imagine how hard it would be to hold on to faith under such trying circumstances. What a true honor it is to be able to stand in the place of faith for someone who may be struggling with his or her own. Namaste!

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Joyful Mission

2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Bedwetting Bedwetting can be such a frustrating and embarrassing problem for both parents and children. Bedwetting has numerous etiologies including (but never limited to) immature sleeping patterns, chemical exposure, physical defects, and allergies. Most kids can make it through the night by the time they are four years old. Girls are usually a little earlier, boys a little later. During deep sleep states, immature brains can not wake a child to help them get to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Some parents try taking their child to the bathroom before they go to bed, disallowing drinks of water after a certain time, and even waking a child up to take them to the bathroom. I have found that these attempts do sometimes work. But, for the most part, if a child’s brain isn’t mature enough to come out of the deep sleep state then it doesn’t really matter what you do, the child is going to wet the bed. For some children bedwetting is a symptom of a physical exposure to a chemical or food to which they are sensitive. In Dr. Doris Rapp’s book, Is This Your Child? she states that bedwetting is one of the most common symptom of a food or chemical allergy, dairy being the most common offender. If you suspect that your child may have a food or chemical sensitivity, I encourage you to experiment with your child’s diet and see if you can identify what may be triggering your child’s bedwetting. Odds are if you have a child with a food or chemical sensitivity, you are going to see many other symptoms as well including: -an “addiction” to a certain food (The child wants it everyday.) -hyperactivity after eating the food -sleepiness after eating the food -grumpiness or any other change in mood after eating the food -red ears after exposure to the food

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-red or runny nose after exposure to the food -rings under the eyes after eating the food -obvious signs of an allergic reaction; wheezing, itching, hives (requires immediate medical attention!) These symptoms, of course, apply to exposure to chemicals as well. Many kids are sensitive to the perfumes and dyes in detergents and soaps. Sleeping in clean, “freshly-scented” sheets may be triggering an allergic reaction in your child. Try using detergents and soaps without perfumes, dyes and sodium laurel/laureth sulfate. Of course, there are also emotional components related to bedwetting for both the parents and the child. Here are some EFT setups to use with yourself and your child:

Even though I am frustrated that my child won’t get out of bed and go to the bathroom, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am tired of washing the sheets every day… Even though I am tired of waking up and carrying my heavy sleeping child to the bathroom… Even though sometimes I think my child is willfully wetting the bed and is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom… Even though I feel bad for my child and his embarrassment about his bedwetting… Even though I am nervous about sending my child to overnight with his friend because I think he’ll get teased for wearing pull-ups… For your child: Even though I pee in the bed at night, I am still a great kid.

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Even though I don’t wake up to go to the bathroom… Even though I am worried every night that I might wet the bed… Even though I am afraid that I might wet the bed at someone else’s house… Even though I am embarrassed to wear pull-ups… Even though I don’t get up to pee in the night because I am afraid of the dark… Even though I am embarrassed that I wet the bed… Even though I can’t help wetting the bed, I now choose to wake up and go the bathroom if I need to in the middle of the night.

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EFT and Discipline I’m just going to jump right in here and start kind of in the middle and then work my way back. I have found over the years that there are two major blocks to implementing effective discipline—frustration and guilt. Both frustration and guilt prevent you from implementing effective discipline. If you feel frustrated about your child’s behavior you will most likely REACT to your child’s misbehavior instead of ACTING with discipline to teach your child. If you feel guilty about your parenting, for whatever reason, then you will not be able to enforce proper boundaries or guidelines without great difficulty. So, here are some general EFT setups to use for frustration and guilt. Use these setups regularly, especially if you consistently feel these emotions. Be prepared that tapping on your own frustration or guilt about your child’s behavior may bring up some interesting issues for you. Make sure that you clear as much as you can of your own “stuff” before you deal with your child. Again, if these are a constant issue for you, I strongly urge you to work with the following EFT setups on a regular basis, like once a day, until you feel as though you have made some progress. Even though I feel frustrated when my child ___________________, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I feel frustrated with my children… Even though I feel guilty about __________________ …

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Even though I feel guilty about my parenting… Okay, those are the two most important aspects of disciplining your child. Now on to the fun stuff… Learning how to communicate is a life-long process. Because children, especially children below the age of seven, have a difficult time communicating to us how they feel and what they need, they use misbehavior as a form of communication. For example, your average two year old child is not going to be able to say to you, “Mom, I’m feeling a little disenfranchised today. Could we find some ways for me to appropriately express my developmentally driven need for power?” Instead, she will choose to power struggle with you over getting in her car seat. Being able to make your grown mother shove you with all her might into a car seat while she weeps with frustration is a great way for a two-year-old to feel powerful. According to Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs, children have four mistaken goals when they misbehave: attention, power, inadequacy and revenge. We diagnose a child’s goal based on how the child’s behavior makes us feel emotionally. A certain emotional response will result in specific behaviors on our part. If we pay attention to these feelings and understand that the misbehavior is just a form of communication then we can choose to not react to misbehavior. By not reacting, we can become more effective as parents. Children will act out mistaken goals when they perceive that their basic needs for love, attention and power are not being met.

The mistaken goal of power: All humans need power. Imagine for a minute that you are a barely walking, talking toddler. Every time your parent or caregiver wants you to do something and you don’t want to do it, they can just pick

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you up and carry you wherever they want you to be. You don’t feel very powerful, do you? When children are not getting enough appropriate power they will act out by creating power struggles with you. Please note that I said appropriate power. Appropriate power for a two year old is being allowed to turn a light switch on and off, choosing the color t-shirt that they wear or pushing the garage door opener. That doesn’t mean the child gets to run the household! When your child is engaged in the goal of power they will make you feel provoked or challenged. You will want to make them do what you want them to do, even if it means that you have to physically force them to do it. It is important that you find appropriate ways to offer your child power. Some ideas on giving children appropriate power include offering them choices, giving children the last word, asking a child for their opinion and giving them chores and responsibilities. When you are engaged in a power struggle, the most effective way to get out of it is to offer no resistance. Please note that non-resistance doesn’t mean that you let your child win! It simply means that you get out of the push and pull of the power struggle. EFT helps you remove your resistance in a power struggle and frees your mind to find a creative solution to the problem. Some EFT power struggle setups: Even though I am so frustrated that my child won’t do as I say, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am angry and I want to hurt my child… Even though I feel like forcing my child to do as I say…

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Even though I hate not having the last word… Even though I want to have total control, and I don’t … If you are locked in a power struggle, I encourage you to remove yourself from it and take a break for a few minutes until you get your emotional intensity under control. If possible, support your child in doing this as well. Of course, asking them to take a break may result in another power struggle. If they refuse to take a break, just go take one yourself. You will find that with emotional clarity, you will be able to resolve your struggle with an open heart and an open mind.

The goal of attention: If a fly is buzzing around your head, what do you do? If you are like most of us, you swat and swat at it until it goes away. Does that fly annoy you? Probably. Do you pay attention to it? You bet! A child with the mistaken goal of attention will buzz around you and buzz around you until you swat at it. To children, negative attention is better than no attention at all. And, if they get into a pattern of getting negative attention repeatedly, then they will eventually seek only negative attention. If a child is trying to get your attention and you are not responding, they will then act out in ways that make you feel annoyed. There are so many reasons why you feel annoyed. I have found, in my practice, that the number one reason parents become annoyed by their children is that they feel completely burned-out. They lack the normal selfcare that keeps people feeling sane. THE COFFEE MUG EXAMPLE Imagine that you wake up early one morning after a short night’s sleep. You stumble into the kitchen, grab your coffee mug, eagerly hold it out to your spouse and he fills it with one drop. Are you satisfied? No. Do you need more coffee in your cup? Yes. Most

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likely, if you don’t hit your partner on the head with a frying pan first, you will keep holding your cup out, begging for more coffee, which he delivers drop by drop, until you are satisfied. Our children’s need for attention is like your coffee mug. If we don’t properly fill their cups, then they keep coming back for more attention. It takes far less energy to fill their cups all the way than it does to placate them for a moment because you are “busy”. Please note, I do understand that some kids inherently have bigger cups. One of my children has a Super Big Gulp size cup. Now imagine for a moment that you go downstairs for your coffee and you are out of coffee. The pot is empty. No matter how many times you implore your partner to fill your cup, he can’t because he has no coffee. When you are burned out or lacking in self-care, your pot is empty and you have nothing to give to your children. So they keep coming back to you for something that you can’t give them and you start to snap and yell at them. Well, remember, negative attention is better than none at all. So they continue escalating their negative behavior. Of course, under these kinds of circumstances it is impossible for you to take a break and renew and nourish yourself. Or is it? If your pot were full and overflowing, couldn’t you fill their cups with loving attention instead of harsh words and gestures? If you are dealing with a chronic attention problem, the number one thing to do is make sure that your pot is full. Once your pot is full it is then possible for you to truly fill your child’s cup. Give them the full, undivided attention that they are craving. Spend time with them listening to them, doing what they want to do, and really being with them. You will be surprised, after a while, how little your children’s cups really are. It doesn’t take a lot of love to fill a cup. Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you truly cannot give your child attention temporarily, like when you’re on the

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telephone. (Isn’t it amazing how kids seem to crawl out of the woodwork as soon as you put the phone to your ear?) At these times, it is vital that you never engage your child in conversation or eye contact. Instead, simply rub their back or hold their hand and continue what you are doing. When they are quiet, thank them for their patience and assure them that you will be with them momentarily. Most kids will walk away shortly. When we feel annoyed we tend to swat at flies and at children. Using EFT can help you restore patience and also get to the root of why you feel so annoyed. Once you clear the “annoyed” feeling, you can respond to your child in a loving way. EFT for inappropriate attention: Even though I am frustrated because I can’t get anything done without being interrupted, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am annoyed by my child’s constantly bugging me… Even though I think I will scream if I hear the word Mama again… Even though I am tired of having telephone conversations behind a locked door in the bathroom… Even though I don’t have the patience to read one more book… Even though I am embarrassed by my kid’s behavior when I try to have a conversation with other adults… Even though I don’t think I have enough energy to divide between two (or more) children… Even though I feel overwhelmed by parenting…

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EFT and the goal of Inadequacy Children who act out the goal of inadequacy can have a history of catastrophic or chronic illness, or learning and physical disabilities. They also tend to come from over-protective homes or be very right brained. Children with the goal of inadequacy typically feel overwhelmed by what seem like simple tasks for the average person. Tying a shoe, for example, or picking up toys, or doing a math worksheet can swamp a child with feelings of inadequacy. These children have been conditioned to need help with everything. Or, they see the world from such a global perspective that a piece of paper filled with many numbers feels like more than they can handle. First and foremost, these kids need help breaking things into smaller pieces. If Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone seems too hard to read because it is “too long,” then buy the book in paper back, cut it apart with a knife, tape the binding, and give it to your child chapter by chapter. When the child has read the whole book, put the book back together and show him what he has accomplished. If she drowns in a math worksheet, teach her to do one section at a time, taking a small break in between questions. Once you have introduced the concept of breaking the task down into smaller steps, encourage your children to begin doing this for themselves. Before long, they will have a good idea of what they really can do, on their own! When you are the parent of a child with the inadequacy goal, you experience a mix of annoyance and pity. Often you aren’t quite sure what your child is capable of but you suspect it may be more than you think. And yet, you are afraid to push them too hard because what if the task at hand truly is too hard and your child can’t do it? Many emotions surface when dealing with the inadequacy issue. If you child act out of inadequacy you better be sure that you are completely emotionally out of the way. These kids need to experiment and explore to discover what they can and cannot do. They also need strategies to help them master tasks that seem “too

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hard”. If you feel guilty or need to rescue a child, it becomes very difficult for the child to discover what he can do for himself. Many of you who have experienced a catastrophic or chronic illness with your child may discover, after tapping on some your emotional issues, that you have unresolved fear or grief relating to your child’s health experiences. Let’s face it, pain and possible death of our child has a profound emotional impact on us! It’s normal to want to hold on and protect your child! But, it is also normal to learn how to let go with love. Empowering our children to handle their own trials and tribulations makes for strong and healthy adults! Here are your EFT setups if you are the parent of a child with the goal of inadequacy: Even though I am afraid to let my child go, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am annoyed by my child always whining, “I can’t”… Even though I am frustrated that my child can’t seem to do anything… Even though I am worried about my child… Even though I am afraid for my child’s health and safety… Even though I am confused about my child’s true abilities… Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go he won’t need me anymore… Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go he will fail… Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go his self-esteem will be damaged…

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EFT and the goal of revenge: This goal is by far the most difficult goal to deal with. Most children don’t act out the goal of revenge unless things in their life get really out of balance. It is very rare to have a child act purely out of the goal of revenge without having experienced one or more of the other three goals. Revenge surfaces when other need have gone unmet for a significant period of time. A child engaged in the goal of revenge feels unloved. This child mistakenly believes that if she can hurt you and get away with it, then you might still love her. A child in revenge will attempt everything possible to destroy the fabric or your relationship. If you fail to handle revenge quickly and appropriately you will end up genuinely disliking your child. In my practice I see a lot of boys in revenge who have fathers that travel a lot. Usually these boys act like perfect angels when their father is home. But when the father leaves they turn into nightmares that Mom cannot control. Because usually the mother stays at home while the father travels, these children feel that it is safe to express their anger with their mother. It is common to see teens acting out in revenge. If a child has not experienced enough appropriate power in her life, she can “save it up” and act out at a later developmental phase. Teens, for the most part lack genuine power in our society anyway. They possess great capabilities and they look almost like adult humans, yet our society really doesn’t have a place for them to go or to be of service until they reach the age of 18 and beyond. Schools, in the name of crowd control, must enforce rules that appear silly to teenagers. The rules tend to imply that we do not expect a young adult to behave respectfully. Teenagers frequently react to these rules with revenge behavior. A child in revenge can break your heart. And he or she can make you feel so angry that you want to spit fire.

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The hardest part of dealing with a child in revenge is that you must (MUST) let go of your emotional attachment to your child’s behavior. That means that no matter how mean or rotten your child’s behavior becomes, you must love this child back. If you hurt this child back, the revenge cycle will escalate into something truly terrible! As a parent, you will know if your child is acting in revenge if his behavior makes you feel like you want to hurt him back. Sometimes revenge shows up as little behaviors. For example, a four-year-old who is jealous of a new sibling decides he’ll get you back by writing on the wall with indelible markers. Sometimes revenge can be huge, like taking drugs, driving too fast or dating a boy your parents hate! The first step in dealing with a child in revenge is repairing the relationship that you have with this child. Depending on how long the revenge has been going on, you may have to start small, and you may be rebuked at first. But keep trying. Never give up! I have seen families who have worked for years to overcome the goal of revenge who finally succeed in reclaiming love for each other! The second step in handling revenge is handling the actual behavior that took place. For example, as a logical consequence to marking the wall, the four-year-old has to help you paint it. The discipline doesn’t have to be harsh. Children don’t have to suffer to learn, especially if they are already acting out in revenge. It can be fun for the two of you to paint the wall. And painting the wall together will give the four-year-old some much-needed time with you! Granted, if you are dealing with long-term revenge, you must hold firm to reasonable limits and boundaries. You can’t let this child walk all over you in order to re-establish a relationship. Believe it or not, kids actually need limits and boundaries to feel loved. A limit and a boundary say that you care enough about this child to create rules for him.

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When addressing with revenge, I encourage you to have your favorite photo of your child handy. At least three times a day, look at that photo and use EFT on any emotional issues that may come up for you when you see the picture. You may have to use a photo from when your child was a baby if that is what it takes to reconnect with the love that you feel for this child. (This is a great exercise to do if you have any emotional issues with your child or anyone else dear to you, for that matter.) Don’t stop tapping until you are completely in a place of deep love for your child. When we come from love we can be understanding, intuitive, gentle and loving with this little person who is hurting so much. With revenge you HAVE to be the one who extends the olive branch. It is unrealistic to expect it to come from your child. Here are some setups to use for a child with the goal of revenge: Even though I feel so angry with this child that I want to hurt him back, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I don’t like my child right now… Even though I am so hurt by my child’s behavior… Even though I am so angry at my child’s behavior… Even though I don’t understand why my child is doing this to me… Even though I am so overwhelmed by my child’s behavior… Even though I feel so out of control of my child… Hang in there! Persistence will pay off!

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Trauma Trauma can come in many forms. When dealing with someone who feels traumatized, remember that the victim’s perception of the trauma matters more than what actually happened. One child can feel traumatized by a small event, like a thunderstorm, and our first inclination may be to minimize the child’s fear—“Oh, it’s just a little thunder.” But, we have to realize that to that particular child, a thunderstorm may seem very scary. Another child may laugh at the thunder and ask to go play in the rain. Many kids experience trauma at school. Angry teachers, bullies, stress from exams, failing an important test, getting your first period at school, teasing, falling down in the mud in front of everyone—any of these can become traumatic events in the life of a child. Sadly, there are larger traumas, too, like a family member dying in front of you, school shootings, or terrorism, that can have profound effects on the emotional energy of a child. If your child has undergone a severe trauma and you are concerned about their emotional health, I strongly encourage you to seek out professional support and guidance from someone who uses the Emotional Freedom Techniques. Using EFT in conjunction with therapy will rapidly improve your child’s recovery from trauma. There are many different approaches to handling trauma with EFT regardless of the severity of the issue. One method that might work for your older child or teenager is called the Tearless Trauma method, created by Gary Craig, the father of EFT.

Tearless Trauma When you are dealing with a person who feels too traumatized to even tap on an event use the following technique.

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Instruct the person not to try to think about the traumatic incident. Instead, have her imagine how she would feel if she were to vividly imagine this event. If any emotional intensity would be present if she actually thought about it, then have her tap on that intensity immediately. The point of the Tearless Trauma technique is to get at the issue without having to feel any of the negative emotions associated with the trauma. There is no need, in other words, to relive the negative emotions. We can get at them without having to relive them. If the trauma has several aspects or is part of a longer story, have your child imagine how he would feel if he were to tell the story. As he imagines how he would feel about telling the story of the event or events, have him tap on any emotional aspect of the story that surfaces. Continue this process until you clear all aspects that come up relating to the trauma. You will usually find that the first few rounds of tapping take the “edge” off of the negative emotions, so that the child will then feel free to tell you the rest of the story. If not, just continue to use the Tearless Trauma method. It will work on just about any type of traumatic memory. Sometimes, if a person feels reluctant to remember the events, you can tell a story yourself using an imaginary character or a favorite stuffed animal as the victim. Or the younger child can tell the story as if it happened to a stuffed animal. If you use a stuffed animal, you can even have the child tap on the animal and then on herself. (More on that later…) Below is a summary of the Tearless Trauma method as Gary Craig teaches it, but modified for use with children: 1. Identify the traumatic incident and get the child’s permission to tap on it with them.

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2. Instruct the child NOT to actually imagine the traumatic incident. Ask them instead to GUESS at what their emotional intensity would be if they were to vividly imagine the incident. (If the child is old enough, they can use the 1 to 10 scale, if not, have them use the “big arms” to “little arms” scale). 3. Help the child develop a phrase to use as the “reminder” statement, such as “this car-crash feeling” and then tap one round of the points using the reminder phrase. 4. After the round of tapping, have the child GUESS again at their emotional intensity relating to the traumatic event. 5. Assuming that the intensity has come down a little (it usually will after the first round), continue more rounds of tapping until the emotional intensity surrounding the trauma has gone to zero. 6. If you reach this point, have the child try to vividly imagine the actual events of the traumatic experience. If any emotional intensity remains for any aspects of the incident, tap on them with the basic EFT process. A TEARLESS TRAUMA EXAMPLE: The following example is a composite of several real-life experiences. I have summarized the general experience to give an example of the Tearless Trauma method, but of course, there are more details to the real-life stories. This is a typical teenage story, and I’ll bet you know someone with a car accident trauma in his or her past. Suppose your sixteen-year-old child just received a learner’s permit and took the car out for a spin with a grown-up in the next seat. At an intersection he panicked, caused an accident between two other cars and ran the car into the ditch, suffering a head injury in the process. Also, the grown-up in the passenger seat screamed out “we’re all going to die!” Three months later the traumatized teen still won’t get back behind the wheel of any car, and he doesn’t want to talk about it, owing to extreme embarrassment about his fear of driving. (All of his friends are getting their driver’s licenses, and he keeps making excuses to them for why he hasn’t gone for his driving test yet.)

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You know you could tap on your teen’s fears of getting behind the wheel of a car, but he feels so ashamed of his phobia that he just “doesn’t want to even think about the incident.” So you suggest the trying the Tearless Trauma method. First, find an appropriate time, such as just before he goes to sleep. Then start by telling him he does NOT have to think about the incident. But ask him to GUESS what his level of fear would be on a scale of one to ten, if he were to imagine the accident. Also, ask him how he would like to refer to the event (i.e. “car crash” or “big screwup” or whatever he suggests). Then tap a round with the reminder phrase he just gave you. Skip the setup. After the first round and subsequent rounds of tapping, assess the level of negative emotions relating to the car accident, and continue to repeat the tapping until all intensity is gone. Then if he feels ready to think about the accident, you can begin to tap on the individual aspects of the accident that might still have some charge on them. If he still feels reluctant to address the issue, then ask him to think about how scared he would feel if he were to think about when his head hit the steering wheel, or when the blood poured into his eyes, or when someone screamed “we’re all going to die!”, or when his parents got the insurance report, or whatever else happened in the traumatic incident. Then tap on those aspects of the story with following setups and other similar one: Even though I would feel this scared if I thought about the moment my head hit the steering wheel, I’m going be okay. Even though I would feel scared to imagine the blood all over my face if I were to think about it, I deeply and completely accept myself. Etc…

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Tap, tap, tap… I wouldn’t be surprised if your teenager asked to borrow the car the next day. As you tap on different aspects of a trauma, note that each aspect is, indeed, a separate fear. A traumatic event or memory is usually a string of little traumas and fears all rolled up into one ugly emotional monster. In review, the point of the Tearless Trauma method is to address the issue without having to re-experience the traumatic emotions.

Tapping with a Stuffed Animal Surrogate With young children you may not be able to use the Tearless Trauma method, but a stuffed animal surrogate often works wonders. Let’s go through a pretend session using a surrogate so that you can get an idea of how that might work. As with all issues related to our children, tap on your own issues first! I promise you that if your child has been traumatized then there is probably a part of you that feels traumatized, too! Three-year-old Samantha is scared of thunderstorms. This is a recent problem that started after Samantha experienced a severe thunderstorm one night when her parents had gone out on a date and left her at home with a teenage babysitter. Now Samantha freaks out any time her Mom has to leave her at the house with a babysitter, or even with Daddy, and she panics whenever a storm occurs. Mom has already tapped on her guilt and sadness related to her daughter’s experience. Now she is ready to tap with Samantha and clear her trauma. Samantha and her family have extensive experience with EFT, using it all the time for issues that come up.

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Mom: Samantha, you seem so frightened of thunderstorms lately. Do you want to tell me about it? Samantha: No. Mom: Oh. How about we play a game? Would you like that? Samantha: Okay. Mom: Let’s play the story game. I will start a story and you finish it! Samantha: Okay. Mom: Let’s use Peter the Rabbit as the main person in the story. Is that okay with you. Samantha: Sure! (Note: Depending on how savvy your kid is, you may need to do a pretend story first before you jump right into Tearless Trauma. In an effort to keep this book a readable length, I will skip the pretend story!) Mom: Okay! Once upon a time there was a little bunny rabbit named Peter. He lived in the forest with his mother, father and baby brother named Stephen. One evening, Peter’s mother and father decided that they would like to go to the Carrot Café and spend some time together. So they asked Jordan Lightfoot to come baby-sit Peter and Stephan. How do you think Peter felt about his Mom and Dad going out and leaving him and his baby brother alone with a babysitter? Samantha: Sad. Peter hates it when his parents go out. Mom: Shall we tap with Peter so he won’t feel so sad?

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Samantha: Okay. Mom: You tap on Peter and I will tap with you. I think that the more people tap together, the easier it is for someone to feel better. (A great way to sneak in some surrogate tapping!) Even though I am sad when Mom and Dad go out, I am still a great kid! (Tap a full round of EFT) Is Peter’s sadness gone? Samantha: Yes. Mom: Great! How do you feel when Daddy and I go out, like we did the other night when it thunder stormed? Samantha: I was sad, and mad, too! Mom: Oh. Do you think that Peter is mad, too? Samantha: Yes, he feels left out. Mom: Okay. Let’s tap for Peter and his madness. Even though I feel mad and left our when Mom and Dad go out, I am still a great kid! (tap a full round of EFT) Does Peter feel better now? Samantha: Yes. Mom: Great! So, Peter’s Mom and Dad left the house. Peter and Stephan were all alone with Jordan. Samantha: Wait, Mom, Peter hates it when his Mom and Dad drive down the driveway and the house is kind of quiet without his Mom and Dad.

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Mom: Oh, so the house is quiet when Mom and Dad leave? Okay, let’s tap. Even though I hate it when Mom and Dad drive away and the house is quiet, I am a great kid! (tap a full round of EFT) That’s better, isn’t it? So Peter’s Mom and Dad drove away and left Peter and Stephen in the quiet house with the babysitter. (Note: This is Mom’s way of assessing Samantha’s emotional intensity related to her parents leaving to go out. Samantha made no comments so Mom continued.) Very soon the sky began to get dark, the wind began to blow and Peter could here thunder coming closer and closer. Does Peter like thunderstorms? Samantha: No. He was scared when the sky got dark because Peter is afraid of the dark. Samantha and her Mom tapped on several aspects related to the storm including: Even though I am afraid of the dark… Even though I was scared of the loud wind chimes on the back porch… Even though I though the wind would blow the trees over… Even though the thunder was loud… Even though the thunder was scary… Even though I hated the way the thunder made my bones jump… When Peter, Samantha and Mom had cleared these aspects, Mom continued her story.

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Mom: So Jordan tucked Peter into his bed. It was very dark and the storm was still strong outside. But Peter wasn’t scared anymore. He had used EFT. Is there anything else that is scaring Peter? Samantha: (quietly) Yes. Peter is afraid his Mom and Dad might not ever make it home. Mom: Okay, Even though I’m scared my Mom and Dad might not make it home, I am a great kid. Anything else? (By this time Samantha was smiling.) Samantha: But they did make it home, Mom. Just like you and Daddy did! Mom: That’s right. This is a good end to our story! After this session, Samantha was able to enjoy thunderstorms. Every once and a while, she would be afraid of really loud thunder but she would tap and make it go away. She even tapped for her dog, Shepp, who always hid under her bed during a storm. This technique works great for younger children. For older children, simply have them tell you their “story” about their traumatic experience. Have them stop and tap any time their emotional intensity goes up. Tap until they are completely clear and then go on to the rest of the story until the trauma has no emotional energy associated with it. You can also use this technique for yourself on any traumatic events or memories that you may have!

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Grief We all experience grief at one time or another in our lives. Grief can happen any time you experience a life changing event or any time you lose someone or something important and valuable to you. Traditionally, therapists have defined grief as occurring in five stages: Denial – not being able to accept that the event is real Anger – being angry with the person or thing that is gone or the people responsible for the life change (like your parents when you are forced to move during your junior year in high school) Bargaining – attempting to make a deal with God or anyone who may be able to change the outcome of the event Depression – experiencing the sadness of the loss Acceptance – accepting the reality of the loss, adjusting to a different life and creating a new life These five stages do not have to go in order. It is common for people to go back and forth between these stages until the loss is truly accepted. It is also possible to experience the different stages simultaneously. Children go through these same stages just as adults do. And, even though kids are well known for their resiliency, they can sometimes suffer for a long time with unresolved grief. I have seen many children who sometimes take up to two years to recover from a traumatic move to a new city. Of course, it is natural to be sad over a loss. And EFT can help make the journey through the grieving process easier and faster. With EFT is becomes easier to adjust to the loss and faster to embrace the blessings and the gifts in the change. Kids are going to express the stages of grief in different ways. When in the stage of denial, some children may retreat into a fantasy world.

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Older kids may hide out in their room and refuse to participate in any of the ongoing events related to their loss. Kids experiencing anger during grief may find all kinds of creative ways to express themselves. They may act angry with you, even if it isn’t your fault. They may pick fights with each other or even fight with their friends. Some may even break or destroy things that are dear to them. Sometimes children make strange deals in the name of grief. Pay attention to bizarre behavior like cleaning their room several times a day, or over-politeness and excessive helpfulness. Sometimes kids make bargains related to their behavior, somehow believing that if they just “behave” then the situation will change. Depression can also take many forms in children. Some kids will simply act withdrawn or quiet. Some will watch a lot of television or read. Some kids may eat more, while others may have a low appetite. Watch for any prolonged behavior changes. Acceptance is the time when the child adjusts to the change or the loss. This is the time to support your child in creating a new life, incorporating whatever changes have transpired. I do not believe in suffering. Yes, there is a full spectrum of human emotions and we all go through them as we journey through life. Sadness is inevitable. Suffering is not. For this reason, I strongly encourage people to begin tapping on their grief as soon as possible. I know a lot of people think that it is wrong to sail through grief. Using EFT won’t take away the fact that someone you loved dearly is gone, or that you lost your job that you worked at for twenty years. EFT simply takes the suffering out of the loss and allows you to celebrate the blessing of the life of the person who is gone, or of the new career opportunity. EFT greatly speeds up the adjustment to loss and shortens the grief cycle.

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Do you really think a person who is gone wants us to suffer for two or more years in their name? Would you want your loved ones to suffer in grief for years if you were to die? I wouldn’t. Here are some setups to use for grief. Please modify them as needed to fit your particular situation. Even though I can’t believe Grandma is gone… Even though I can’t believe I got laid off… Even though I can’t believe my parents are going to move me to California… Even though I can’t believe my cat is dead… Even though I feel angry that Grandma is dead… Even though I am so angry that they fired me… Even though I am so angry with my Dad for putting work ahead of me… Even though I feel angry that that stupid man ran over my cat… Even though I wish there were something I could do to bring Grandma back… Even though I am profoundly sad that Grandma is dead… Even though I feel so sad about leaving my friend… Even though I feel sad that I lost my job… Even though I feel so sad that my cat is dead… Even though I feel sad that Grandma suffered so much…

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Even though I feel sad that it hurt my cat to get killed by a car… Even though I am so sad that all I want to do is watch TV… Even though I am so sad that all I want to do is hide in my room… Even though my sadness makes me tired… Even though my sadness makes me mad… Even though I miss my Dad… Even though I miss my Mom… Even though I don’t know who I am without this person/thing… Even though I don’t know how to go one without this person/thing… Even though I have this gap in my life now… One of my favorite techniques to use when you are grieving over a person is to place a photo of the person in a prominent spot in your house and tap while looking at the photo. Pay attention to thoughts and feelings that come up for you when you look at the person and tap on anything that feels right. Of course, major life changes and the death of a loved will take time to get over. Use EFT to assist you through it!

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EFT and Body Image Okay, ‘fess up! How often do you stand in front of the mirror and just love and honor your body? How often do you scrutinize every detail of your physical form and pay attention to all the “defects”? I have always carefully limited my daughters’ exposure to mass media concepts concerning beauty. I did not want their images of themselves and their own beauty to become warped by what the mass media tells us is beautiful . In spite of my care in limiting media exposure, one day I overheard my oldest daughter talking about how “fat” she was and how she was “big”. At first I didn’t understand where she was getting these ideas until I realized that she was standing in the mirror critiquing her body just like I do. Once again, I learned the hard way that I must model the behavior that I want my children to adopt. I’ll be honest with you. My body was physically designed to pick potatoes. I come from strong peasant stock and I would do very well standing in a field, bent over and pulling things out of the ground. I am dark-haired (well, okay, with a little help from L’Oreal), have an olive complexion with lots of freckles and laugh lines. I have had way too much sun in my life, birthed four babies and breastfed for over 11 years! I am not Cover Girl material. My daughters have witnessed me many times lamenting at the varicose veins and cellulite on my thighs. They have heard me ask my husband numerous times, “Am I fat?” and, “Does this dress make me look fat?” So why should it be a surprise that they have started to evaluate themselves the same way that I do? If we want our daughters to love and honor our bodies, then we must do the same ourselves! Our bodies are strong and powerful! We have

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created, carried, birthed, and breastfed babies. We have run after toddlers, snatching their bodies from behind moving cars in parking lots while surviving beatings by protesting two-year-olds. We awake at dawn, retire sometime after midnight, and still we go on! We are amazing! And yet we devastate ourselves because our thighs are dimpled and our breasts aren’t perky any more. I encourage you to use EFT on every little part of your body that you feel unhappy about until you can lovingly look at yourself in the mirror! Learn to love your thighs right now! Try these setups! (Warning: We carry a lot of painful memories and associations on our bodies. Don’t be surprised if tapping about your body brings up a lot of interesting issues and memories. If you are ready to make some profound changes in how you feel and take care of your body, please visit our website, www.tapawayfat.com for more information on how to use EFT for weight loss and body image. We offer teleclasses and intensive retreats designed to help you deal with these issues.) Even though I hate my (name of body part), I deeply and completely love and accept myself! Even though I think I’m fat… Even though I hate that I never lost my “baby fat”… Even though my body has never been the same since I had babies… Even though I’ve never loved my body… Even though it’s not in my genes to be thin… Even though I come from a family of fat people… Even though I am too skinny… Even though I can’t lose weight…

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Even though I can’t gain weight… Even though my breasts are too small/big… Even though I am so wrinkled… Even though I hate my gray stringy hair… Be creative! Tap on anything else you can think of. When you are done, share this process with your daughters (and sons). Help them to tap on any body issues that they may already be carrying around. Work together as a family to love each other and the magnificent creations that you are!

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and School School can be an interesting adventure for some families. Some children seem to easily float into the structure of school, doing well in classes, making friends, always loving their teacher and homework. Other kids battle their way through, struggle with sitting still, always getting in trouble for talking, hate their teacher, hate most of the kids in school and never really reach their full potential as students. Of course, some kids kind of fit in the middle. Schools are, by virtue of design, created to control the masses. Yes, of course, there is learning that takes place and many children learn a lot. But, many do not, for several reasons. From birth, people have one of three different learning styles, auditory, visual and kinesthetic. Yes, it is true that in the last few years schools have been attempting to integrate this information into their teaching modules, but in truth, the information has been vastly over simplified and the changes have been, for the most part, ineffective. (I have insight into this issue because my husband taught in a public school 9 years.) Auditory learners learn best by hearing information. Visual learners learn best by seeing information. Kinesthetic learners learn best when they can touch, manipulate or sense information. This is a gross oversimplification and lends strongly to labeling. The truth is we ALL learn better and retain information longer if we can learn using all three modes. In defense of the school system, it is pretty darn near impossible to qualitatively incorporate all these different ways of learning with 25 or more students in a class during a 45 to 55 minute time slot. That is why, ultimately, the system will have to change. (Yes, these are strictly my opinions and I assume full responsibility for them!)

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Auditory learners usually do well in school. They learn best by hearing words and most of the information in school is presented in a lecture format. Visual learners can also do well in school if the teacher uses a lot of graphics, notes and writing on the board. Visual and kinesthetic learners will tend to “space out” if they are not being taught to in a way that meets their needs. Kinesthetic learners need to move and groove with the information before they can actually hear about it. Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that they need to sit on a stationery bike while they listen to the teacher lecture. These kids actually need to touch or feel data before they can begin to hear about it. In a science class, that may mean they need to touch and examine rocks before hearing a geology lecture. In and English class, they may need to see pictures and connect with the feelings of the characters in a story before they actually hear the story. If given the opportunity to explore information in a way that works best for them, kinesthetic kids usually have kind of an intuitive understanding of information prior to them listening to a lecture about it. It is as if they get the gist of an idea by feeling and playing with it before they hear about it. Kinesthetic learners tend to be diagnosed, in great numbers, with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder and are even medicated in order to control their behavior. Naturally, these kids get very bored with lectures and get very physically active when they become bored. Again, I stress that this is a gross oversimplification of many issues but I did want to give you a little seed thought to play with. For more information about understanding your child’s learning style, I highly recommend the book, How Your Child is Smart, by Dawna Markova. You may have to work with your child and help him or her find learning strategies that make school easier. When doing homework,

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pay attention to learning style and practice using these new learning strategies at home. Visual learners do better if they can visually represent the information themselves. Teach them to take their own notes as early as possible. Help them create pictures or icons relating to their work so that they can use these symbols to mentally call forth information. Kinesthetic learners benefit greatly from manipulatives. Help them to learn by giving them actual things they can touch, move and count with. Let them act out stories first with puppets or dolls before having them write it out. These kids may need to do homework in short bursts and go take a break and come back to it. Kinesthetic kids can be easily frustrated by being forced to learn information in a way that doesn’t serve them. They have a lot of energy to burn. Reinforce these strategies with your child’s teacher, even if you meet with resistance. The number one rule in dealing with the public school system is this: The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Don’t stop squeaking until you get what your child needs! In the meantime, there are things that you can do to help your child with school. First of all, model the importance of education. If you never read a book in front of your child, it will be very difficult for him to adopt a habit of reading. Talk to your children and show them how learning is a life-long process and commit as a family to making education important in your life. Stay aware of what your children are learning in school and look for fun ways to supplement what they are learning. Plan weekend outings and vacations with themes related to what they are doing in school. Pay attention to your children’s’ passions and encourage them and support them at home. If your children love to draw or paint, they may feel frustrated that they don’t get enough time in school to experiment. Create a space for them in your home where they can play with art to their heart’s content.

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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Don’t overload your child with after school activities. Children need time to process and integrate information. They need time to play in the mud, ride bikes and goof around with their dog. It may look like play, but play is vital to the optimal neurological development of a child. Children who have enough time for free play are better thinkers and have more creative problem solving skills. Experimentation and exploration are some of the basic needs of children. If they don’t get these needs met they will either act out or eventually shut down. Of course EFT can be a valuable tool in helping children with issues related to school. Here are some setups for you to get started with. Teaching your children to do EFT for their stress and anxiety in school can help them enjoy what they are beautifully designed to do; LEARN! Even though I hate school, I am a great kid! Even though I hate my teacher… Even though I hate the other kids in my class… Even though school is boring… Even though school makes me sleepy… Even though all the rules in school are silly… Even though I have a hard time listening to the teacher… Even though I have a hard time being quiet in class… Even though I have a hard time being still in class… Even though I feel embarrassed about asking questions in class…

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Even though it is hard for me to answer questions in class… Even though I am nervous that I might get called on in class… Even though I am nervous about my test… Even though I feel worried about my book report/science fair project/term paper… Even though I think the teacher hates me… Even though I am nervous about asking the teacher for what I need… Even though I am scared that I will be sent to the principals office… Even though I have a hard time following instructions… Even though I have a hard time paying attention… Even though I always do bad on tests… These are just a few to start with. I am sure that you will come up with several on your own!

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Separation Anxiety All kids experience separation anxiety. It is a normal developmental milestone that peaks at certain ages. You can expect to see separation anxiety at nine months to a year, eighteen months until around three, and some kids go through again at the end of the third year and the beginning of the fourth. Some kids will also go through separation anxiety at the beginning of kindergarten and during the second and third grade. For younger children separating is difficult because they have no concept of time. One hour can feel like forever (or a minute) to a small child. Also, small children connect to you energetically, not just physically, so when you leave it affects their energy system. They may cry or feel a high level of stress. Some children feel this stress more intensely than others. Honor your individual children. My oldest daughter was extremely shy and spent the first two years of her life hiding behind me or clinging to my leg. I intuitively knew that I could not leave this child until her own energy system developed enough to where she would feel safe on her own. Every once in a while you will get a highly spirited, independent child whose only response to being left is, “cool”! Of course, as parents, that can create a different emotional response for us (Am I a good mother? Why does he seem so eager to leave me? Have I done something wrong? Doesn’t he miss me?) Separation anxiety, especially with an emotionally intense child can feel gut wrenching for adults. Parents often experience doubt, confusion and guilt when they drop off a crumpled tot who is screaming to stay with them. Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. You have to leave him.

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Preparing your children ahead of time is the greatest thing that you can do for them if they are experiencing separation anxiety. Let them know what to expect and talk about how they might feel. Never sneak away, as tempting as it may be. Children need to have the experience of surviving separation in order to overcome it. They may still experience separation anxiety when you sneak out, but they won’t have your goodbye kiss or assurances to hold on to during the day. Make it okay for them to feel scared, upset or frightened. What a wonderful opportunity to teach about using EFT to feel better! Let them tap proactively (or you can tap on them) and teach them to tap on a favorite doll or stuffed animal. Make sure you bring the doll or animal with you so that they can tap “for” their doll or animal when they get to day care or nursery school. If you are feeling guilty, confused or torn in any way, make sure that you tap on your own feelings first. It is very difficult for a child to separate if they can sense that you are feeling worried or hesitant about a situation. If your child has prolonged or extreme separation anxiety, evaluate the situation that your child is in. You child may be telling you that she is profoundly unhappy where you are leaving her. Perhaps the facility is too big and overwhelming for her. Or maybe she is having a problem with one of the children or the staff. Pay attention to your child and trust your gut. If it feels wrong, investigate it. EFT setups for separation anxiety: For your child: Even though I am scared to leave my Mom, I am a great kid. Even though I don’t want Mom to leave…

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Even though I’m afraid Mom won’t come back… Even though it’s hard for me to say good-bye, I know that Mommy always comes back. Even though I feel sad when Mom leaves… Even though I miss my Mom… Even though I want my Mom to stay and she won’t…. For you: Even though I feel guilty leaving my child, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am sad about leaving my child… Even though it breaks my heart to leave my child… Even though I feel uncertain about leaving my child… Even though I feel angry that my child makes it so hard for me to leave… Even though I am embarrassed by the fit my child throws when I leave…

You can also tap surrogately for your child. Tune in during the day and tap for them while you are separate. Also, tap for them when you get in the car immediately after leaving them.

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EFT and Asthma EFT works great for asthma. Of course, strongly recommend that use it in conjunction with inhalers and other medication. Not surprisingly, several current research studies support the notion of an emotional component to asthma. EFT addresses the emotional components quite efficiently. Regardless of the source of an asthma attack, it can be scary to experience and to witness. It is also a life-threatening event and should never be taken lightly. EFT setups for asthma: (Note: If you are working with someone during a full-blown attack, they may not be able to say the setup. Don’t worry about it. Just say it for them and tap away. If you are tapping for yourself, you may hum the words or just say them in your mind.) Even though I can’t catch my breath, I am a great kid. Even though I can’t breathe… Even though I have this tightness in my chest… Even though I have this tight cough… Even though I am scared because I feel like I can’t breathe… Even though I am embarrassed because everyone is looking at me… Even though I am anxious that this breathing problem won’t stop… Even though I always have an asthma attach when I am around a dog/cat…

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Even though I am afraid that I will have an asthma attack… Even though I can’t fill my lungs up all the way… Even though I feel lightheaded… Even though I feel nauseous because I can’t breathe… Again, this is an issue that can be tapped on proactively. If your child experiences asthma attacks during certain times of the year or under certain circumstances that tap for those ahead of time: Even though I always have asthma in the spring… Even though I always have an asthma attack when we run track at school… If you are the parent of an asthmatic, tap on your own fears and concerns. It is natural to want to protect your child. By tapping on your own concerns, you can assure that your actions will be proactive and not overprotective.

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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EFT and Sports Performance Okay, I’m sorry, but I just have to get on my soapbox one more time before I get into this. Please evaluate your child’s involvement in sports from a very gentle point of view. I have seen an alarming trend of children starting sports as young as four years old! Please Note: Children under the age of seven do not have the developmental skills to participate in any sport that has rules. They don’t understand rules. They won’t follow rules, not because they choose not to, but because their brains just don’t work that way. Young children must have free playtime. They will be ready for organized sports soon enough. Free play allows for the optimal growth and development of gross and fine motor skills that later enhance sports performance. Don’t let them waste their precious free time standing in line following a series of drills to make them better soccer players, baseball players or whatever! Some research shows that children who start sports earlier actually become worse players than those who start at a developmentally appropriate age. So, if you, as a parent, are just dying to see your little baby make it to the “big leagues” in your favorite sport, then DON’T let them start playing it until they are ready. Readiness can come at any age, with some kids blossoming at 13 or 14 years old. Very few four-year-old soccer players will still be on the field ten years later. But quite a few players who start soccer at age eight or nine will enjoy it and keep playing. Secondly, be aware of your own motivations and drives for your child in sports. Sometimes we get a little caught up in living our own dreams and desires through our children. Yes, there are prodigies, like Tiger Woods, out there. But truly, these kids are by far the exceptions. Listen to your kids. If they don’t really want to play a sport or be on a team, don’t force it. There are many other ways to stay fit and socialize.

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2002-2005 Karen Curry

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If you feel that your motives in pushing a child into sports may be questionable, then tap on those motives! Even though I want my child to be first string defense on the football team, and he prefers birdwatching, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I may be pushing my child into a sport because I was successful in sports… Even though I may be pushing my child into a sport because I wasn’t successful in sports… Even though I may be trying to live out my dreams through my child… Even though I am embarrassed that my child is not as good at sports as the other kids… Even though I want my child to play sports, I now painlessly release my child and honor his choices and celebrate his uniqueness and beauty. Thirdly, is winning really so important? I have had so many traumatized children in my practice who have had their self-esteem injured by overzealous coaches and parents who have focused on winning a game rather than the joy of playing . (See the section on EFT and Self-Esteem and EFT and Trauma). True sports successes grow and develop into their personal best when they are inspired to be THEIR best, not BETTER THAN the other guy. A real athlete competes with himself to be his best! Okay, I’m done. (Note: These are all my personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of management!)

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Having said all of that, now let me discuss how EFT can be used very successfully to improve sports performance. Some of our clients have used EFT on their golf game with great results! Some athletes merely tap on the basic points without using a setup right before they engage in sports. Golfers can tap just before a drive. Divers can tap just before they leap off the board and take the plunge. Below are some setups to try for sports performance. Don’t be afraid to get really specific if you need to. For example: Even though my right arms seizes up before I make a pitch, I am a great kid. Even though I am nervous about the game, I am a great kid. Even though I am afraid that I will drop the ball… Even though I am nervous about everyone watching me… Even though the whole game depends on me… Even though I’m not good at defense… Even though I’m not good at rebounding… Even though I’m afraid I’m going to fall… Even though I’m afraid I’m going to land on my ankle funny… Even though I’m scared I’ll get hurt on this apparatus… Even though I’m sad that we lost… Even though I’m disappointed that we lost… Even though I always swing at bad pitches…

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Even though I hesitate at the plate… Even though I can’t putt… Even though I can’t drive… Even though I’m afraid I’ll hit my head on the edge of the pool… Tailor your setups however you want. Remember, parents, tap on your own emotional attachment to the issue! I promise to tap on mine, too!

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EFT and Speech EFT seemed weird when I was first introduced to it. I come from a family where being normal is very important. Tapping on people and helping them heal was not “normal”, so I had fears about using EFT with my clients in spite of the huge number of successful case studies supporting EFT’s effectiveness. Whatever my doubts about using EFT, I soon changed my tune after an amazing event at my house. My youngest son had an ongoing speech problem. He had been in speech therapy for over a year with absolutely no progress. Not only was he beginning to act out his frustration at not being understood, but I was getting really tired of hauling four children to the speech therapy office each week and coughing up a wad of dough with no results to show for it. What’s more, we felt that his speech problem sounded WORSE than when he started the therapy. (Not to fault the therapist, she tried very hard to help him.) I knew my son felt very frustrated as well. Not only did people not understand him when he spoke to them, some of his friends were beginning to make fun of him. I finally decided, after some gentle prodding from my persistent husband, to try EFT with my son. We started tapping every night for his speech problem. The idea was that we would tap for fifteen minutes every night and see what happened. To be honest, we weren’t that diligent. Have you ever tried to do anything for fifteen minutes EVERY NIGHT with a fouryear-old? Remember, too, that we had three other kids running around needing someone to brush their teeth and wash their hair and get them into pajamas and read them a story and tuck them into bed, and so on. Honestly, we didn’t do much tapping, nor did we follow through on surrogate tapping. We didn’t always remember to tap during the day either. Nonetheless, ten days or so later, after a total of maybe 30

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minutes of tapping (about five minutes a night every other night) his speech problem disappeared. Totally gone. Whammo, zap, kappowi! We just noticed one day, that we could understand him perfectly. At first I thought maybe I had become so used to his garbled language that I just understood it intuitively. Then I realized, stunned, that he was perfectly pronouncing all of the consonants that he could not even say the week before. A year of speech therapy had left us over $2000 poorer and had given him a definite inferiority complex in our family. A week of EFT, done half-heartedly by very tired parents, and he spoke normally for the first time in his life! Unbelievable! I was sold on EFT. Since then we have used EFT will all of our clients as well as our own children with amazing results! Here are some setups to try for kids with speech issues. Make up your own if these don’t work for you! Even though I have a hard time talking, I am still a great kid. Even though I am frustrated because people don’t understand me… Even though I can’t say “s” (Note: You may have to do this one surrogately.) Even though I am tired of being in speech therapy… Even though I am frustrated that my words sound funny… If you can, work together with your parenting partner to tap surrogately for your child. You will amplify the process by working together!

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EFT and Triggers Have you ever noticed little things that the people around you do that drive you nuts even though they shouldn’t really bother you at all? For example, it drives me crazy that my husband goes around the house in the late evening closing all the blinds when it is still a little bit light outside. It is such a tiny thing but it sends me through the roof. These “little things” that annoy us are called triggers. Sometimes they really are little things and sometimes they are connected to much bigger things. For example, there may be a phrase or a look that your husband uses that unconsciously reminds of a step father who you had issues with. Our children can trigger us, too. They can make subtle motions (or not so subtle motions) or use words that just set us off for no reason. EFT can neutralize these triggers so that they will never bother you again! Simply, in your mind, focus on a visual memory of the offending trigger and the person presenting it and tap until the memory or trigger is neutralized. If you are faced with the trigger and you do react, immediately go into another room, if you can, and tap on the triggering event until it is clear. Be prepared that sometimes the trigger is deeply rooted in another more complex issue. But that’s okay. Just keep following your subconscious mind’s lead until you clear the whole thing! It’s so easy!

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EFT FOR PARENTS PART 3 Family after EFT….

Family before EFT….

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EFT Case Studies In this book I have given you many EFT setups for specific situations. If you have had a chance to apply EFT to any parenting situation, you have probably experienced that the first setup that you use is merely a starting place. Each time you tap a round on the points, a new issue or aspect of an issue then presents itself for clearing with EFT. When we tap as adults, this process can sometimes seem long and convoluted. On the other hand, I have also experienced an entire issue “disappearing” in one round! Usually, with children, the process is fairly simple and short. I have included a few sample transcripts of actual EFT sessions with children. Notice how quickly EFT works and some of the surprising results and side effects!

Afraid of the Dark: K. is a six-year-old boy who is afraid of the dark. He recently had a series of terrifying nightmares and now refuses to sleep in his own room. In order to fall asleep, he must have all the lights in the bedroom turned on and the closet door shut. When I first started this session, I had K. show me with his hands how “much” his fear of the dark was. (This is a helpful evaluation tool to use with children who are too young to rate their fear or pain with numbers.) He showed me that his fear was HUGE (arms spread all the way out to behind his back). This session was done with K. at bedtime so he had no difficulty in tuning in to his issue. Karen and K.: Even though I have this big scared-of-the-dark feeling, I am a brave kid. (We tapped a full round on this setup).

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Karen: Show me how big your scary feeling is now. (K. puts his hands shoulder width apart. A small improvement…) Karen and K.: Even though I still have some of this big scared-ofthe-dark feeling, I am a great kid! (We tapped another full round.) Karen: How big is your scary feeling now? (K. puts his hands about three inches apart.) Karen and K.: Even though I still have a little of this scared-of-thedark feeling, I am a powerful kid! (We tap another round.) After this round K. shows me that he still has a little fear left. Seeing that this issue isn’t budging much I decided to try tapping on another aspect of his fear. Karen: What are you afraid of in the dark? K.: I’m afraid of all the scary monsters in my dream. Karen: Oh! How big is your scary feeling about these monsters in your dream? (K. shows me BIG fear!) Karen and K.: Even though I am scared of the scary monsters in my dream, I am a great kid! At this point I was ready for another series of incremental tapping on his fear of the monsters in his dream. Boy did I get a surprise! Immediately after tapping this last round, K. rolled over in bed and fell fast asleep. He had no nightmares all night. The next night we tapped for fear of the dark and monsters again. Now nightmare free for several days, K. feels ready to try to sleep in his own room again.

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Keegan’s Filmmaking Anxiety: This case study is one of my favorite examples of how EFT can reveal surprising tidbits of information. My eleven-year-old son, Keegan, is an avid moviemaker. He has Lego Studios software and camera equipment that he uses to make stop motion films with his Legos. Making movies is his passion and during the summer he sets himself a filming schedule and spends several hours each day filming. One week Keegan had a tough time filming. Each morning, while he worked on his movies, he would have problems with lighting or sound. At one point his editing program crashed and he spent several hours trying to contact technical support without success. Keegan was distraught. He collapsed in a puddle of frustration and tears. I, of course, jumped in and offered to do EFT with him. Being a member of the “EFT Generation”, he agreed and we began to tap. (Note: Before I offered to tap with Keegan, I went into my bedroom and tapped on my issues first. I had become annoyed by his melodramatic fits, and frustrated with his screaming and his anger. After tapping a few rounds I cleared my emotional reactions and was ready to help my son.) I did not have Keegan rate his frustration before we started tapping. Based on his reactions, I was pretty clear that he was a “10” for “frustration about filmmaking.” Karen and Keegan: Even though I am frustrated that my movies aren’t working out, I am still a great kid. (We then tapped a round of EFT.) After this round, I noticed Keegan’s posture relaxed a bit and he stopped crying. But, he still felt very upset.

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Keegan and Karen: Even though the lighting in the living room has been all wrong all week, I am a great kid. (We tapped another round of EFT.) Keegan now took a deep breath (a sign that EFT is working) and threw himself backwards on my bed. I noticed that he still had a stressed look on his face. Intuitively I sensed that his anxiety was not just about equipment failures. (This is a wonderful time to allow your parenting intuition to kick in. Because tapping with someone involves entering into an energetic relationship with that person, so it is quite common to intuit or psychically “sense” what the other person is thinking.) So, I asked Keegan if there was something related to filming that he was feeling anxious about. This was definitely hitting a nerve for him. Keegan began to sob and choked out that he was afraid that he wouldn’t get into film school when he grew up. Apparently, he had read that Stephen Speilberg didn’t make it into film school and Keegan was afraid that he might not make it in either. So we tapped. Karen and Keegan: Even though I’m afraid I won’t get into film school, I am still a great kid! After this round Keegan grinned a huge grin. To assess his anxiety I asked him how he felt about film school. He just laughed and told me that film school wasn’t such a big deal. He was probably going to be good enough to make good movies on his own without film school anyway. (Note: This is an example of a cognitive shift, a radical shift in a belief about an event.) In one round of EFT, Keegan went from feeling extremely anxious to highly confident! After this last round, my son sat quietly on my bed for a while. I started folding laundry and just let him have his space. He sprang off the bed in a few minutes with a smile on his face proclaiming that he

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thought that maybe he had been taking movie making too seriously and needed to make a “fun” movie. Interestingly enough, not only did Keegan’s week dramatically improve, but his equipment functioned perfectly with no further any complications that week. Amazing, huh? Fear of the Doctor: C. is a seven-year-old boy who is afraid of the doctor. He has never had a shot and is afraid of needles. C. has had several bad experiences with doctors who have not tolerated his intense fear. Recently C. had a difficult visit with a dermatologist who determined that C. needed to have a mole surgically removed from his hand. During the visit with the dermatologist, C.’s behavior had been very challenging for the doctor and she suggested that he might be better off with general anesthesia for the mole removal. C.’s parents, who were very experienced with EFT, decided to try tapping first. C.’s parents gathered all the information that they could about the procedure so that they could begin tapping with C. on different aspects of this minor surgery. After talking him through the whole procedure, they then assessed his greatest concerns and created setups to clear some of his anxiety. Three times a day they tapped on the following issues: Even though I am scared of getting a shot because I’ve never had one before, I am still a great kid. Even though I am scared that it might hurt, I am still a great kid. Even though it’s hard for me to hold still, I am still a great kid. Even though I really don’t want to do this but I have to, I am still a great kid.

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On the day of the procedure C. felt calm. After holding still for a local anesthetic injection, he waited for the anesthesia to take effect. When it wasn’t working as fast as he imagined, he and his parents tapped the following setup: Even though I want to get on with it, I am still a great kid. Even though is seems like this is taking forever, I am still a great kid. During the procedure, the doctor did not inform either C. or his parents what she was doing but C. wasn’t even fazed. He even ended up getting stitches that the doctor had originally said he wouldn’t need! The doctor and the nurse were both very impressed by his calmness and his ability to stay perfectly still. This is a wonderful example of how to use EFT proactively! You can talk your child through an upcoming stressful event like going to the doctor or taking a test and pinpoint the aspects that seem to be causing your child anxiety. Once you have identified the stressors, create setups to tap on ahead of time. You will be amazed at your child’s confidence and ability to handle just about anything!

Family before EFT….

Family after EFT….

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CONCLUSION I hope that after reading this book that you understand that EFT is a universal tool applicable to almost every situation. Please experiment and explore with EFT! The use of EFT is not limited to the situations in this book. Use this book as an example of how to apply EFT to parenting situations but don’t stop here! TRY EFT ON EVERYTHING!!! Try it on your dog or cat, your mother-in-law, your spouse, your next door neighbor who insists on mowing his yard at 7:00 am on Sunday! Use EFT for pain relief. Use it surrogately for others. There are no limitations to where, when or how EFT can be used! Even though it is powerful and infinitely applicable, EFT won’t fix everything. Once your have shifted your emotional energy or the energy of your child, it is important that you evaluate the situation and ask yourself why it occurred in the first place. For example, if your child is having nightmares, relieve the trauma with EFT, then evaluate whether this child is watching too much TV, is experiencing stress in his daily life or perhaps his diet is affecting his sleep. Use EFT then take proactive steps to change the situation. Remember that EFT will not change your child’s personality or “cure” her of developmental idiosyncrasies. If you have an emotionally intense child, EFT won’t change that. If you have a high active, adventurous child, EFT won’t “fix” it. If your child is four and obsessed with potty words, EFT won’t change it. You will be wasting your time if you try to use EFT to change people or force yourself to be other than who you are. EFT can restore your system to balance, but it cannot change who you are, and you shouldn’t try to use it that way. Use it to bring yourself into alignment with who you are and what you want, and use it to bring yourself into alignment with who your children are.

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Use EFT to remove YOUR emotional attachment to the situations that occur with your children. By eliminating your negative response to what is normal for this child, you create a beautiful space in your heart to laugh at, embrace, and thank this child for the lessons in acceptance and unconditional love that she brings to your life! This is the biggest gift in being a parent! Truly, children are our greatest teachers! I hope that this book has helped you rediscover the joy in your parenting adventure. I hope that EFT has become a powerful tool that you use in every aspect of your life. We love to hear from all of you! Please share with us your parenting success stories! Remember, raising children IS a joyful mission! Have fun! Love, Karen

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TAPPING for EVERYONE! An EASY Introduction to the Emotional Freedom Techniques

Dear Reader, The following pages offer a shortcut version of tapping that can help you get started immediately. I highly recommend that if you enjoy these techniques you go to www.emofree.com and download the started manual from Gary Craig’s web site. I also recommend all of Gary Craig’s video trainings to help you perfect your EFT techniques. Blessings, Karen

EFT = The Missing Tools!

EFT provides the tools you need to remove the disruptions in your body’s natural healing systems!

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IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT EFT 1) EFT Often Works When Nothing Else Will! Try it and see. 2) EFT is a TOOL. EFT does not solve problems for you or resolve issues. It is a general tool that can be used to "repair" your emotional system. YOU have to resolve your own issues using EFT. 3) Like any tool, EFT requires training and practice to master it.

For example, if you were to hand me a set of tools and ask me if I knew how to use them, I would answer “yes." If you asked me to repair your car with those tools, I would answer “NO WAY, I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT FIXING CARS!” EFT is like the tools and YOU are like the mechanic. The EFT process always works IF you know how to apply it to the particular issue you want to resolve. After you learn the basics from this introductory manual, we highly recommend that you pursue additional training. The more you learn, the greater success you will experience with the Emotional Freedom Techniques. 4) You get out of EFT what you put into. Like exercise or meditation, EFT is a self-applied process. And, you will get results in proportion to how much time and effort you give to the process.

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WHERE DID EFT COME FROM? In the mid 1990's, a man named Gary Craig took elements from other meridian energy therapies and he created a simple healing protocol which he named the "The Emotional Freedom Techniques." He began teaching those techniques to people in workshops and with video tapes of his seminars. Psychologists, personal coaches, hypnotherapists, message therapists, chiropractors and others have flocked to EFT in overwhelming numbers. For many professionals it has become their main tool. The Emotional Freedom Techniques have an interesting history which has been recorded in detail in videos, training manuals, and on Gary Craig's web site, www.emofree.com. For those who want to know the full history and development of EFT, see Gary's web site. I highly recommend it!

HOW EFT WORKS EFT works by addressing the underlying emotional issues which produce the "problems" in our lives. Using EFT a person can remove the emotional blocks and the body and the mind can heal themselves.

THE DISCOVERY STATEMENT The basic theory behind the application of EFT is expressed in what Gary Craig calls the "Discovery Statement" shown below: “THE CAUSE OF ALL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IS A DISRUPTION IN THE BODY’S ENERGY SYSTEM”

By clearing disruptions in the energy system we allow the mind and body to heal themselves.

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HOW TO TAP THE TWO PARTS OF EFT EFT has two parts, the Set Up and the Tapping. The Set Up is kind of like setting up the bowling pins (the issue) and the Tapping is kind of like knocking down the bowling pins. When you say the Set Up phrase you focus on the issue you want to resolve, bringing it into your awareness, and when you do the Tapping, you tap on several “energy” points on your body. The “energy” points relate to the meridian points from Chinese Medicine and are sometimes called acupuncture points or acupressure points. Some people simply refer to these points as “relaxation” points, because you will often feel very relaxed after you tap on the points a few times. If you do not understand anything in the following section, I encourage you to reread it as many times as necessary. Although the technique looks simple when demonstrated, it can sound complicated in written form. Don’t give up! Although the art of applying EFT can take a while to learn, the mechanics of the EFT protocol are really very simple.

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THE “SET UP” For the Set Up part of EFT you identify the issue you want to tap on, and you say a very special phrase while tapping on the side of your hand (SH) with one or more fingers from your other hand. Here is the typical Set Up phrase: "Even though I have this (name the issue), I deeply and completely accept myself." You can adapt the Set Up to fit any situation or issue. In advanced practice, the way you say the Set Up can sometimes make ALL the difference in whether or not the tapping works. Learning to say THE exact Set Up that will help THE exact problem you are working on is a skill which you will develop as you practice EFT and continue to study the art of delivery of EFT. As a beginner you can use the standard Set Ups such as: “Even though I have this back pain, I deeply and completely accept myself.” “Even though I feel angry at that car that just pulled out in front of me, I deeply and completely accept myself.” “Even though my I want that piece of cake, I deeply and completely accept myself.”

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TAPPING THE POINTS You tap gently on certain points on your body—hard enough to feel it, but not hard enough to hurt yourself. You will tap between 5 to 10 times on each point with one or two fingers. Then you will go to the next point. As you tap on the meridian points, you repeat to yourself a “reminder” phrase to keep the issue in your mind. For example, if you are tapping on a headache, you say “this headache” as you tap. Repeating the reminder phrase keeps you focused on the issue at hand. Note: I have only included a short cut version of the points below. For the entire system please refer to Gary Craig’s manual and training videos. I rarely use anything but the shortcut version, but it might be useful for you to know the entire system.

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A SUMMARY OF THE SET UP AND TAPPING PROCEDURE

1. Identify an issue or problem you want to work on (such as a pain, an unpleasant memory, a food craving, a fear, etc.); be specific in identifying the issue. For example, you might say “this pain on the lower left side of my back.” Give that issue an intensity rating on a scale from 1–10. (1 = barely noticeable, 5 = moderately annoying, 10 = unbearable).

2. Repeat the setup affirmation 3 times while tapping the (SH) point. "Even though (name the problem), I deeply and completely accept myself." Example: “Even though I feel sad about _______ , I deeply and completely accept myself.”

3. Tap 5 - 10 times on each of the following energy points while focusing your mind on the problem you just rated. And keep the issue in mind by saying a “reminder” phrase while you tap. 7 Energy Points: EB, SE, UE, UN, CH, CB, UA

4. Check in with your mind and rate the problem again. Is it still a 10? an 8? a 2? If it is not a zero (0), repeat the EFT sequence.

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DIAGRAM OF BASIC EFT POINTS

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COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT EFT: What will happen when I tap, will I feel anything changing? Sometimes when you tap you will feel a physical change in your body, usually indicated by a big yawn, is deep breath, a burp, laughter, or a noticeable relaxation in your shoulders, throat, or stomach. Other times people report feeling “lighter” all over.

Are there any negative side effects of EFT? As for side effects, here are the ones I have encountered: --a feeling of relaxation after tapping --tiredness and a need for extra sleep after an intense breakthrough --excessive yawning or even burping (energy shifts are taking place) Aren’t there more meridian points on the body that can be tapped? Absolutely. You can tap on many other points than the seven shown on the basic diagram. You can learn more about the other points in the trainings available at www.emofree.com .

What if I am driving my car and I want to tap, but I can’t tap on the SH point, how do I do the Set Up? One of the best times to tap on issues that are bothering you is while you are driving or waiting at stop lights. As you try car tapping you may find it hard to tap the side of one hand with another. I use the Collarbone spot for the Set Up phrase while I am driving a car or if one of my hands is full at any time. But any spot will do for the Set Up.

How long will it take me to learn EFT? To learn the mechanics of EFT will take you about one hour. To learn the art of delivery of EFT will require additional training and practice over a period of weeks or months.

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CONCLUSION If you have read this manual and started tapping, congratulations. You have just put a turbo rocket onto your personal development gocart. Keep in mind that this manual barely touches on the vast potential of EFT as a tool for personal evolution. At this point, you may feel ready to pursue some vigorous results with EFT. If so, get advanced training at www.emofree.com or work with a practitioner today! A special thanks to Kyle Curry for editing and formatting this manual for me, and thanks to YOU for reading it and getting started on a road to joy. Happy tapping! Sincerely,

Karen Curry Joyful Mission www.joyfulmission.com

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