How To Get Over A Relationship Break-up (book)

HOW TO GET OVER BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP Copyright © Bamidele M. P. Ogidan 2012

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TABLE OF CONTENT

DEDICATION This book is dedicated to all my fellow citizen in this nation and beyond.

- Dedication - Introduction

To this generation and the generation yet to come.

1. What is Relationship? 2. Types of relationship

To all youths and students, couples, married men and women who really believe they can get over any breakup in relationship they may find themselves.

3. The Pattern of Relationship 4. The Important of Relationship 5. What is a break-up?

To many of us in the society who has forgotten ourselves in the sinful life style.

6. Types of a break-up 7. The reasons and the causes for breakup in a relationship 8. How to get over breakup in a relationship

Finally, to God almighty for his blissful inspirations and his mercy upon/over us forever. May the lord God bless you all as you read on.

9. How men can get over breakup in a relationship 10. How women can get over breakup in a relationship

Thanks.

11. How to move-on after breakup in a relationship 12. The effects of breakup in a relationship 13. The different steps and tips to overcome breakup in a relationship 14. Coping with breakup or divorce in a relationship. 15. Quotes on how to get over breakup in a relationship. 3

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INTRODUCTION I've read multiple help guides, but sometimes, it seems like these so-called experts have no idea what mourning a relationship is like. You're not just dealing with grief about the demise or the romance, but you are also sometimes grappling with pretty awful feelings of self-pity, loathing and helplessness. I've decided to write my own step-bystep healing process, featuring steps that I (or close friends) have personally followed, with successful results. Keep in mind that nothing changes and nothing gets better in life, unless you want it to get better, which means you're going to have to make some active changes. This guide explains these changes and why you need to make them. Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up. However, many do not know that no matter how long the relationship, you do not need to spend months to years reminiscing and crying about the loved one who you’ve lost. Although the path to completely moving on from your past partner can only totally be cured by time, there are many ways to speed it up and help you move on with a lighter heart.

It will only make it harder for you to interact with him/her or perhaps hear news of his/her latest romantic interests in the time period that you are trying to get over him/her. So, no matter how much you may want to talk to them, you need to very nicely let them know that you will need some space until you are ready to be friends again, if you even want to stay friends. From this point on you must stop asking your friends questions about your ex, or tell them ahead of time not to discuss him/her around you no matter how much you may persist. You must also force yourself to stop reminding yourself of the past relationship by looking at momentous of the relationship such as old letters, pictures, or any gifts your ex may have given you. For now, take all those and put them in a safe place, preferably one where you won’t have easy access to them until you are truly ready to look at them again without having to deal with your own aching heart. The point here is that you can’t begin to overcome the break-up if you’re still holding on to the past partner or relationship.

The first and most important part of a break-up is to force yourself to let go. Even if you want to stay friends with your past partner, now is not the time.

The second step to allowing yourself to move on is to ask yourself the reason for your pain. Avoid easy and simple answers such as you loved him/her or he/she was a great person. Delve deeper and analyze yourself to really discover what is making you so incredibly sad. Try making a list if his/her

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good and bad qualities and a list of the good and bad qualities of your relationship. For instance, are you upset because you really miss your ex, or because you do not want to be alone? Truly understanding what you miss so much will help you to focus your energies on exactly what you wish to overcome. Another important step that you must maintain throughout the entire process of overcoming the break-up is to keep yourself busy! Do not allow yourself the time to sit around and brood. Start exercising, go out with friends, take up a hobby and get involved in it, because as long as you’re not doing something, you’re not helping yourself. Keeping busy is one of the most effective ways to keep your mind off of your past relationship. So get up, get yourself out there and force yourself to start having some fun! Now I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one’s saying move on to a serious relationship right away, but it’s time to start thinking about dating again as well! Start looking at other possible romantic interests and try a couple of casual dates. Don’t lock yourself up in your room and shun all the other possibilities that are out there waiting for you! Besides, seeing new people will keep your mind off your ex as long as you don’t start comparing them to him/her. Stay openminded and you should be over them much sooner than you expected! 7

CHAPTER ONE

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP? WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP? Relationship between Husband and Wife, Girlfriend and Boyfriend, Business person and Business Person, Brother and Sister, Country and Country. Can we exist without relationship? How important is relationship to you? Relationship is how you interact/relate with others. Relationship is all about trust/belief/confidence etc. When you don’t relate to anybody; you will be a stranger always. Relationship can be love, hatred, friendship, liking or any! As long as we have emotions we will have relationship. Even if you are a professional, you will have a professional relationship. Without relationships, you don’t have Customer- Supplier relationship and hence no business would survive. A relationship is the way people/ countries act/interact together and how they communicate no matter what relationship they are in. We can’t exist without them as if nothing else there is a relationship with one self that might be love or hate relationship. 8

Relationships and communications are part of my life. A relationship is a connection between two or more people or entities by affinity or kinship who share common connections, ideas, feelings, beliefs and the like. I don't think we have relationships with everyone we meet, or strangers on the street, those are interactions with people. I think relationships are highly special and valuable and are necessary as we are social beings and do not live in isolation or vacuums and are interdependent on one another for many things. No, I don't think we can really survive without relationships as we have them on many levels with many different people who we deal with every day, from my UPS delivery man, my employees, my landlord, my children, my parents, even the man I buy my coffee from each morning, we have a relationship, and that's what makes us human. That we care in different degrees about one another depending on how close we are to that person and their significance in our lives. I think relationships are what matters just about most in life, for living is all about people, not things.

seeing/hearing a sad news about some total strangers, is also a relationship a person has with humanity. The more the good relationships, the better the person's character would be. I don't mean or include the faked relationships which people regularly do. I think the better the relationship a person has with their inner self, the better would be their relationships with the others. 1. Relationship is primarily give and take; some do both optimally, others more of one or the other. The examples you give are different kinds of relationships, and embody give and take in different forms. 2. Apparently there are rare people totally devoid of any "societal" relationships whatsoever. They are called anomic (lone wolf, etc). Since such individuals are exceptions rather than the norm, answer to your 2nd Question is yes, as an exception rather than the rule. Since even anomic cannot avoid having relationships with nature (eat food, breathe air, etc) it follows that.

It is the level of understanding between two or more people. Ugly, bad, good, excellent could be the levels, and sometimes nothing at all also could be a level. A silent nod as a greeting to a stranger, a smile at a child playing in the streets, or just tears on

3. Relationship is the necessary stuff of life. It Gives meaning to life. A relationship is when you give a piece of yourself to someone else. The more casual the relationship, the smaller the piece you give. The more intimate

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the relationship, the bigger the piece you give. No one can exist without at least one relationship. As for me, I work very hard at maintaining the relationships I treasure. To define a relationship as a "connection" seems very superficial. Interpersonal relationships usually involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other member. These factors are as true on LinkedIn as they are in real life. Merely having connections does make you a networker. In fact, too many connections without relationship relevance actually hurt you as much on LinkedIn as it does in the real world. Relationship is EVERYTHING! By this I mean: God created man for the very purpose of relationship. Man is created in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:26-27). Relationship thus, from God's point of view, who is our maker and designer and thus knows what and how we should function, is all about love. Regardless of the relationship, love is the beginning and the end. From a business point of view, business is first and foremost relational. This current economy is upside 11

down because we have misplaced relationship (the love and service to others). It should be first rather than down the line somewhere. If we want to get the economy back going, seek to develop those relationships in our lives, especially in business. Profit is the fruit of fully developed, functional, loving, serving relationships. I view the universe from a systems perspective, and here is what that would mean regarding relationships: A transaction is one exchange of value, and a relationship is a continued series of transactions. This value is a combination of tangibles and intangibles. Everything from food to love to money to friendship. Relationships ARE what give life meaning. A pencil has no meaning without paper. A wheel has no meaning without a vehicle. Those people with strong relationships tend to feel a deep sense of meaning. So, when people sense a lack of meaning in their lives, it is because they have little relationship with the rest of creation. We, like a part of a car, are part of humanity. Humanity is part of the world. The world is all part of creation. It is only through the relationships that the machine of life fully functions, as a whole, instead of as separate meaningless parts. We are the conscious and living parts of the universe. Relationships are how those parts interact and 12

make that system even more vital, healthy, happy, living, and growing. “A part alone is simply a part apart.” We exist in relationship to others. Our capacity for development and sustenance of these relationships, in fact, are a better indicator of the future than all the assessments of past performance. Relationship is more than mere coexistence, there is an interactive dynamic where each may impact or alter the other to some degree. As John Donne said, "No man is an island" thus relationships are nectar of life and a necessity for staying alive and growing. Babies get diagnoses with "Failure to Thrive" usually due to insufficient nurturing...without, one begins a cycle of death for we best know ourselves in the mirror of others who we are not. Relationships are about equations between 2 and more persons. The basis of this association starts with shared interests, choices, work and the like. The success of relationships depends purely on criteria such as trust, associated likes and common grounds of interests and sustainability. Relationships are associated with life and living, man/woman is inherently a social animal and relationships are most important to him/her and he/she cannot live normally outside web of relationships. 13

Without a doubt we are all relational, we are hard wired this way. As it has been noted, relationships consist of our interaction with anyone and practically anything that is not us. The real question is how to make those relationships work. Abraham Lincoln criticized much when he was young, almost to the point of death. He learned his lesson rather quickly and adopted a new philosophy, “with malice toward none, with charity for all.” He put an end to his criticism and vowed to “judge not, that ye be not judged.” Dale Carnegie said: “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defense and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” Charles Schwab said: "I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” In addition to that, complaints and condemnation harm relationships. The secret to Benjamin Franklin’s success is summed up by his own words, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” This is step one in making mending and nourishing all relationships. To grow relationships, we need to give honest and sincere appreciation. Both John Dewey and Sigmund Freud said that the most desired thing among people is to feel a sense of to be importance. Therefore, if you 14

want to get them on your side you have to discover their usefulness and let them know that you recognize it. There is a difference between telling them what they want to hear but not believing it yourself and actually finding the importance in them. Everyone has importance, but it is not always obvious. Carnegie said: It was suggested that the insane find a sense of importance in their insanity that they were not able to experience while living in reality. “If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine the miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of sanity.” Henry Ford said: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from you own.” He was very rich but his success was in relationships. Carnegie said that the world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.” Carnegie. I hope this was helpful, some of this was from me, but most of it was from the wisdom and experience of successful people. We should learn about relationships from them. Relationship = "A friend in need is a friend indeed"

critique, and helping one another in tough times along with mutual respect and trust. A relationship is simply a connection. The best relationships are based on trust and high trust relationships are far more valuable than lesser ones. We cannot live without relationships. Even if a person gives up his relationships, he still has a relationship with nature. How does he give it up? A relationship is a connection. In theory we cannot exist without a least one connection. In practice we need many connections. You have a relationship with anyone you meet - even if you pass them in a street and one of you steps aside to let the other past, that's a relationship. So short of living alone on a desert island, we can't exist without these. Honestly it depends on how you think what a relationship means. If your younger, say in high school, there are boyfriend and girlfriends who say they’re in a relationship. So they’re dating. Their still young so their relationship isn't something serious. If you were out of high school maybe, and were in a dating relationship, it could be taken more serious because with the older age, settling down is more of n option. Then again, there's also a relationship meaning you relate well with someone. For example: I and my younger brother have a strong relationship.

It is about support, motivation, constructive 15

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That doesn’t mean we're dating, it just means we relate and get along well. Actually the origin of the word "relationship" is; "sense of being related," from relation + ship. Specifically of romantic or sexual relationships. As I mentioned before though, it all depends on you. RELATIONSHIP AWARENESS THEORY: AN OVERVIEW It is part of the human condition to attribute motive to others' behavior. Relationship Awareness Theory is a self-learning model for effectively and accurately understanding and inferring the motive behind the behavior. Relationship Awareness® gives organizations and individuals the awareness and skills they need to build more effective personal and professional relationships. It helps them to sustain those relationships through understanding the underlying Motivational Value Systems™ of themselves and others under two conditions: When things are going well During conflict The theory helps people to recognize that they can choose their behaviors to accommodate their underlying values, while also taking into account the values of others. It is a dynamic and powerful way of looking at human relationships that aids in 17

building communication, trust, empathy, and effective, productive relationships. The Theory (and the psychometric tests which are based on it) were developed by psychologist, clinical therapist, educator, and author Elias H. Porter, Ph.D. THE FOUR PREMISES OF RELATIONSHIP AWARENESS In Relationship Awareness Theory, Dr. Porter integrates quite diverse streams of psychological thought. In particular, in his theory Porter acknowledges the purposive behaviorism of Edward Tolman, the empiricism of Kurt Lewin, the client-centered therapy of Carl Rogers and the NeoFreudian personality theories of Erich Fromm and Karen Horney. The theory itself is founded on four simple, yet profound, premises: Behavior is driven by motivation to achieve selfworth. Motivation changes in conflict Strengths, when overdone or misapplied, can be perceived as weaknesses Clarity and face validity enhance selfdiscovery. Relationship awareness theory looks at how we go about establishing and maintaining relationships in order to have a positive sense of ourselves and our value as a person.

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MOTIVATIONAL VALUE SYSTEMS Relationship Awareness Theory identifies seven general themes or clusters of motives known as Motivational Value Systems (MVS). Each MVS can be traced through the work of Freud. Relationship Awareness describes them in terms of positive strivings for self-worth by adults in relationships.

makes it formal for everybody to know that these two persons have that kind of mutual bonds that only the two of them can bring along. Formality, not to make it as formal as you could think, but in a sense that the two has the agreement to let everybody know of what is yet to be seen when they are together.

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP? Relationship has the word relation, and it says to relate or to know what you have to know about that particular person for you to have that relationship. Maybe in friendship, another form of relationship, you have to know about what you should have known in a friendship basis, it could be your standards or the other person standards to know each other but to consider it as a friendship, you must have that kind of relationship that brings harmony to what you are relating to and that is why you have friends that you can talk to because you know how to dwell on each other face and speak of what is friendly for them in a manner they would have like it too.

What is relationship? Okay, a lot of people say that friends can be lovers but lovers cannot be friends, and maybe they let their own relationship lived to what is yet believable for many, that they would have lived bitterly in a sense that if they had gotten broke to their relationship, they prefer not to have that kind of friendship with their previous relationship. Or others have that kind of ill-will in a sense that they prefer first to have that friendship to be as best of friendship before having a relationship where they intend it in the first place.

But in a relationship, where two persons involve to what is deeper kind of relationship, there’s should be always and only love of what you just promised to each other before you have that kind of relationship. Love, the harmony which develops to a deeper kind of sense where they can say it as mutual understanding without having that kind of agreement takes place where only relationship

They prefer the safest way and not to be in the riskiest way, and when they see others have taken the riskiest way to that girl’s heart and win it, they will have that kind of regret to have said it first before other people have they had wanted to say and that is to have that relationship (maybe not for an instance.) Okay, I’m just dealing with the guys over there that are reading this to be just real, go hard and have fun, but in serious manner, you can go both ways if you really want that relationship

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takes place. If you really want it, then go for it, have that relationship in mind but still prioritize of what friendship means because you could only do better if you had that friendship first before you have that kind of relationship well in sake for harmony that just took over the limits and make it as love, if ever there was. Relationship was designed to have that kind of vibes and frequency when you are in the alignment of having it felt the same way towards the kind of maybe thing or any particular matter you are discussing to. You can’t say that you still have that relationship when you do have that bad frequency for each other when you do break of what is connecting within the both of you and that is the harmony to the relationship you do have. The chemistry, other word to describe it, the mixes and matches of thoughts and feelings you have for each other must be in the same page to have that kind of harmony flowing in. You don’t have to be frank when in the first place you are not in the position to do so, just know of how that harmony could develop and if the case nothing to be developed when you reached that maximum mixes and matches of thoughts and feelings then what you could only do is to let it stay where it supposed to stay as long as you don’t break the harmony of frequency and vibes you have for each other. Relationship as we have in our God 21

must have that constant communication, thought and feeling like they are always there whenever you want to pull it off and have that kind of harmony with them. God Bless. What is relationship? 1. A connection, association, or involvement. 2. Connection between persons by blood or marriage. 3. An emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students. 4. A sexual involvement; affair. 5. A relationship is the interactions and bond between two or more things, people, animals or places. 6. A relationship is a bond between two people. (or more if its family or a bunch of friends your referring to in a conversation). 7. The state of being connected or related

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CHAPTER TWO

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP BREAKING DOWN DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS Alright, I guess I don’t know when it all got so complicated. I mean, besides being in a relationship, I can remember participating in “random hook-ups” in high school and college (in high school that usually equaled kissing, and in college – for me at least – not much more). But essentially, there were only a few basic categories when it came to romantic entanglements: one-time hook-up, friends with benefits, dating, and relationship. Now I read there are all these variations for the kids (ahem, adults) today, and damn, it’s confusing. HOOK UP The meaning of the term ‘hook up’ is tough to pin down: “When a friend says that she hooked up with a guy last night, the phrase itself insinuates many different things to different people.” A hook up could mean you kissed some person on the dance floor after a bit of grinding, it could mean you rubbed against somebody in the backseat of a car on the way to a party, or it can mean you headed back to a hotel room with a colleague post23

dinner and drinks to get it on. No matter which of these it is, it generally denotes a (supposed) onetime occurrence, often random or with someone not known well, and, let’s face it, rarely happens when sober (though answering an advert requesting latemorning sex in a loft apartment across town may include bold sobriety). FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS/FUCK-BUDDIES / HOOKING-UP Good old About.com dating defines ‘friends with benefits’ as “an agreement between two people who are both friends and physically attracted to one another to have a sexual relationship. Neither party is considered committed to the other, and both can start dating someone else at any time with prior warning. A friend with benefits arrangement is not considered dating, a relationship or even casual dating by most people who use the term.”

Other language used to describe this arrangement include ‘fuck-buddies’ (A casual relationship is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship) or ‘hooking up’, which often connotes a more long-term sexual relationship than simply saying ‘hook up’ (and apparently, at times, can lead to love).

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DATING Although dating in and of itself seems to imply a certain casualness, similar to ‘hook up’, this one comes with different definitions.

together for a longer, rather than shorter, term. This can include living together, getting married, having kids (though each of those can fall into other categories, such as open relationships).

Casual Dating: Again, “An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people. Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom.”

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS I found a nice round-up of the complex nature of open relationships – which are often hard to define.

Serious Dating: Really, as this conversation about the definition of dating shows, this term can mean pretty much anything, depending on the person. But usually, when a person says “I’m dating [insert here]“, it pretty much means they are only seeing that person, though they may not be ready to commit to calling that person a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or significant other. EXCLUSIVE, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP One definition I found put it very simply: “No sticky the wacky in someone else.” It means just what it implies: being committed to one person, not seeing anyone else, usually thinking about being 25

Primary/Secondary: “In this model, the “couple relationship” is considered primary, and any other relationships revolve around the couple. It is most frequently practiced by married people or other couples in long-term relationships. The couple decides that their relationship will have precedence over any outside relationships. The couple lives together and forms the primary family unit, while other relationships receive less time and priority. No outside relationship is allowed to become equal in importance to the primary relationship. The couple makes the rules; secondary lovers have little power over decisions and are not allowed to negotiate for what they want.”

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP 1. Boyfriend and girlfriend Is a person’s regular male/female companion who is in a romantically or sexually involved or committed, may or may not be a long-term commitment, Sweetheart or lover. 26

2. Romance Describes as the non- sexually complicated love and affection shared by two straight males. 3. Casual Is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship. 4. Cicisbeo A professed admirer of a married woman; a dangler about women 5. Cohabitation To live together in a sexual relationship, especially when not legally married. 6. Concubinage Law a woman who cohabits with a man without being legally married to him. In certain societies, such as imperial China, a woman contracted to a man as a secondary wife, often having few legal rights and low social status.

intercourse for payment: bawd, call girl, camp follower, harlot, prostitute, scarlet woman, streetwalker, strumpet, tart, whore. Slang hooker, moll. Idioms: lady of easy virtue, lady of pleasure, lady of the night. 9. Cousin A title formerly given by a king to a nobleman, particularly to those of the council. In English writs, etc., issued by the crown, it signifies any earl. The child of your aunt or uncle, one collaterally related more remotely than a brother or sister; especially, the son or daughter of an uncle or aunt. 10. Domestic partnership A person, other than a spouse, with whom one cohabits. A domestic partnership is a legal or personal relationship between two individuals who live together and share a common domestic life but are neither joined by marriage nor a civil union. However, in some jurisdictions, such as Australia, New Zealand, the United States of Oregon, Washington, Nevada, and California, a domestic partnership is almost equivalent to marriage, or to other legally recognized same-sex or different-sex unions.

7. Courtesan A woman prostitute, especially one whose clients are members of a royal court or men of high social standing. A woman who engages in sexual

11. Family The collective body of persons who live in one house, and under one head or manager; a

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household, including parents, children, and servants, and, as the case may be, lodgers or boarders. 12. Friendship The state of being friends (or friendly) Friendly relationship Relationship – a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries 13. Husband and wife A man and woman who are legally married to one another and are thereby given by law specific rights and duties resulting from that relationship. 14. Kinship Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family relationship. Relationship by nature or character; affinity. 15. Marriage The state of being married: the mutual relation of husband and wife: WEDLOCK The institution whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family. An act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially: the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities An intimate or close union 29

16. Mistress (n.) A woman well skilled in anything, or having the mastery over it (n.) A title of courtesy formerly prefixed to the name of a woman, married or unmarried, but now superseded by the contracted forms, Mrs., for a married, and Miss, for an unmarried, woman. 17. Lover One who loves another, especially one who feels sexual love. Lovers A couple in love with each other. a. A paramour. b. A sexual partner. 18. Monogamy The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime. 19. Non-monogamy Non-monogamy describes relationships that are not sexually exclusive but may not be explicit about the nature of the other sexual relationships. As it sounds, non-monogamy simply means that a relationship between two (or more) people is not at all times monogamous.

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20. Polyamory (From Greek [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

26. Siblings One of two or more individuals having one or both parents in common; a brother or sister.

21. Polifidelity Which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in a group (which may include all members of that group) (e.g. group marriage).

A person, such as a family member or close friend, who is important or influential in one’s life:

22. Polygamy In which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to, or have romantic relationships with, one another). 23. Romantic Expressive of or exciting sexual love or romance; “her amatory affairs”; “amorous glances”; “a romantic adventure”; “a romantic moonlight ride” 24. Same sex Involving or restricted to members of the same sex: same-sex schools. Of or involving gay men or lesbians: same-sex couples; same-sex marriage. 25. Sexual partner Person who benefited one another through sexual intercourse, a partner in copulation. 31

27. Significant other A person, such as a spouse or lover, with whom one shares a long-term sexual relationship.

28. Soulmate One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. 29. Widowhood Refers to the status of a person whose spouse has died and who has not remarried. Women in this situation are referred to as widows, and men as widowers.

MULTIPLE PRIMARY PARTNERS Polyfidelity Model (closed multi-adult families) “This is a ‘group marriage’ model, essentially the same as being married – except you’re married to more than one person. Usually consisting of three to six adults, all partners live together, share finances, children, and household responsibilities. Depending on the sexual orientation of the members, all adults in the family are sexual partners. This is a closed system, and sex is only 32

allowed between family members – no outside sexual relationships are allowed.” Multiple Primary Partners (open model) “In the Multiple Primary Partners Open Model, the individual is the basic unit of the family and is empowered to make his or her own rules and decisions. Partners may choose to live together, or they may choose to live with one or more partners, or live alone if that better suits their needs. This model is open, in that each partner has the right to choose other lovers at any time without the approval of any other partner.” Multiple Non-Primary Relationships “For some people, non-monogamy offers the intimacy, love, and sexual satisfaction of involvement in relationships without the constraints of a primary relationship. This model works best for people who have a serious, allconsuming commitment to something other than relationships; people who are very busy with their work, their art, raising children alone, or political involvements. Usually they prefer relationships with people who, like themselves, want less commitment, or people who already have a primary relationship and are looking for a ‘secondary’ relationship.”

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Swinging Swinging is often thrown under the umbrella of ‘open relationships’, and though it shares some similarities with different parts of ORs, it essentially is its own category. ” Swinging or partner swapping (sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle or simply the lifestyle) is a non-monogamous behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people, sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex. Swinging can take place in a number of contexts, ranging from a spontaneous sexual activity at an informal social gathering of friends to a swingers’ club and can involve internet-based introduction services.” Affair Though an affair can simply mean a sexual relationship between two people, it often is associated with cheating. “Personally, I would define an affair as an ongoing, dishonest relationship with someone other than your partner, which involves intense feelings such as deep affection, love or lust. By dishonest, I mean a relationship that is deliberately kept secret from the regular partner or one that involves deceit, such as lying to your partner about where you’re going, where you’ve been, why you’re late home or why you didn’t come home at all.” 34

Not something that falls under the type of differentiation of relationships I just went through, but nonetheless an interesting piece of news I found during my research, it seems that Switzerland is proposing to rid their books of laws on incest between parents and consenting adult children. The word “incest” automatically carries an association of both ethical and physical manifestations of wrongness, but it is worth pondering once again, who should define what is “right” or “wrong” for another individual. An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to enduring. This association may be based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences. The context can vary from family or kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations With associates, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and places. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole.

his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor and a town. Finally, groups or even nations may have relations with each other, though this is a much broader domain than that covered under the topic of interpersonal relationships. (See such articles as international relations for more information on associations between groups). Most scholarly work on relationships focuses on the small subset of interpersonal relationships involving romantic partners in pairs or dyads. Interpersonal relationships usually involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other member.

A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between two individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, or a parent–child relationship. Individuals can also have relationships with groups of people, such as the relation between a pastor and

Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on with their lives and form new relationships with others. One of the most influential models of relationship development was proposed by psychologist George Levinger. This model was formulated to describe heterosexual, adult romantic

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relationships, but it has been applied to other kinds of interpersonal relations as well. According to the model, the natural development of a relationship follows five stages: 1. Acquaintance – Becoming acquainted depends on previous relationships, physical proximity, first impressions, and a variety of other factors. If two people begin to like each other, continued interactions may lead to the next stage, but acquaintance can continue indefinitely. 2.

Buildup – During this stage, people begin to trust and care about each other. The need for intimacy, compatibility and such filtering agents as common background and goals will influence whether or not interaction continues.

3.

Continuation – This stage follows a mutual commitment to a long-term friendship, romantic relationship, or marriage. It is generally a long, relative stable period. Nevertheless, continued growth and development will occur during this time. Mutual trust is important for sustaining the relationship.

4.

communicate less and avoid self-disclosure. Loss of trust and betrayals may take place as the downward spiral continues, eventually ending the relationship. (Alternately, the participants may find some way to resolve the problems and reestablish trust.) 5.

Termination – The final stage marks the end of the relationship, either by death in the case of a healthy relationship, or by separation. Friendships may involve some degree of transitivity. In other words, a person may become a friend of an existing friend's friend. However, if two people have a sexual relationship with the same person, they may become competitors rather than friends. Accordingly, sexual behavior with the sexual partner of a friend may damage the friendship. Sexual activities between two friends tend to alter that relationship, either by "taking it to the next level" or by severing it.

Deterioration – Not all relationships deteriorate, but those that do tend to show signs of trouble. Boredom, resentment, and dissatisfaction may occur, and individuals may

LOVE The capacity for love gives depth to human relationships, brings people closer to each other physically and emotionally, and makes people think expansively about themselves and the world. In his triangular theory of love, psychologist Robert Sternberg theorizes that love is a mix of three components: some (1) passion, or physical attraction; (2) intimacy, or feelings of closeness; and

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(3) commitment, involving the decision to initiate and sustain a relationship. The presence of all three components characterizes consummate love, the most durable type of love. In addition, the presence of intimacy and passion in marital relationships predicts marital satisfaction. Also, commitment is the best predictor of relationship satisfaction, especially in long-term relationships. Positive consequences of being in love include increased self-esteem and self-efficacy. ADULT ATTACHMENT Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of secure attachments. Adult attachment models represent an internal set of expectations and preferences regarding relationship intimacy that guide behavior. Secure adult attachment, characterized by low attachment-related avoidance and anxiety, has numerous benefits. Within the context of safe, secure attachments, people can pursue optimal human functioning and flourishing. Positive psychologists use the term "flourishing relationships" to describe interpersonal relationships that are not merely happy, but instead characterized by intimacy, growth, and resilience. Flourishing relationships also allow a dynamic balance between focus on the intimate relationships and focus on other social relationships.

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There are a variety of relationships in our daily life. They can be passer-by, short, between two people meeting on the street and just saying "Hello!" or they can be formal, between business people that are having a meeting. The closest relationships will always occupy the most of our attention and time because they have the potential of bringing most happiness in our lives but also they can bring the most painful moments as well. The family is, from the beginning of mankind, one of the most important points in a person's life. The family is the one you belong to, the family is the first you are missing when you are far away and the one you feel that you can lean on when you feel lonely, and the family should surely be the place where you feel home, no matter where you are. Unfortunately it often happens that families fall apart, parents are breaking up and the children are being raised only with one family part. I think that anyone who ever felt the warmth and happiness of a loving family is praising this and should do everything that is required to keep the family relationship working well, because without the loved ones we would feel lonely in this world. When it comes to the relationship between lovers, it is by far the most complex and rewarding of them all. Probably the most beautiful is the one where you are getting back all the love and trust you are 40

giving to your partner. When you find the person that you can't do without and your loved one has the same kind of love for you it is indeed a blessing, you know you found your perfect match. However the relationship has its challenges and the less pleasant moment will not cease to appear and if not handled properly, these problems can bring the most beautiful of relationships to the edge of disaster. You're starting to see only bad things and habits of the loved person and you forget to praise all the good sides you once adored so much, the love you felt turns into routine and the risk of finding someone else or being cheated rises fast. Communication is the key for a good love relationship and when time builds the trust pillar (and does not weaken it) you are on the right way to building a beautiful and healthy bond, thus establishing the limits, the principles of your conducts. For instance, even in the most serious relationship, we all need free space to feel independent. That's why we have to try to not cover the partner with too much love or control her/him. If the love is true and deep nothing will ever tear lovers apart.

things on our own. One of the worst problems between parents and their kids is the lack of communication. Parents are not trying to understand us better, they are busy with their jobs and other "adult" problems. Even if sometimes or most of the time it is quite hard to understand why parents are getting mad so easily or why some things are forbidden, children should try to accept parents' decision because in the end we all know that parents are just wanting the best for us. In the meantime parents should try to be a little more tolerant and to understand that nowadays the youth can't be like the youth was at their time and that we are having more opportunities than they had. We also have to remember that we're facing a way more complicated society with more problems and more and better ways to have fun and so, to get in danger. We can't say much about the relationships between neighbors. They can be good or bad. Sure... it would be perfectly if it could be like in those movies where neighbors are coming to borrow coffee or sugar from you but the reality is often not that bright. Try to get along with your neighbors, and maybe they are showing their nice side too!

Relationships between parents and children are often difficult, mostly when the children are growing up. Getting older means for most of us knowing more, understanding what in the past were just mysteries and starting to explore new

Here are some of the stereotypes of relationships that exist between people in every day's life. Even sometimes we face up problems, we need these people in our lives... we need affection, we need

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love and support. Learn to appreciate the people around you! DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS There are many different types of relationships. Relationships affect our lives in many different ways every day. Romantic Relationships Romantic relationships are the type that people most often think of when they think about relationships. Boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses make up the many types of romantic relationships. These relationships involve lots of hormones and emotions and can often end badly if the relationship does not work out. They can be very stressful as one person tries to please the other but they can be very fulfilling as people are filled with love for each other. A romantic relationship can make you feel very complete.

related to you. This can be the people who live in your household and your immediately family and also your distant relatives. There are bonds between a mother and her children and between a father and children and between siblings. There are some relationships between cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and all distant family members. These family relationships can also have a big impact on who you are as a person. Some people are very close with many members of their family. Some people have weaker family relationships and this can affect them in different ways.

Friendly Relationships Friendly relationships may include those between our friends, peers, fellow workers, and other acquaintances. These relationships are a very important aspect of your life even if you do not realize it. The company you keep say something about you and the people you are around every day have an impact on the type of person you are and how you feel about thins. These can be very important relationships. Some people depend on these friendly relationships more than others but we are all affected by them in some way. Family Relationships are those that involve people 43

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devoted to mutual punishment that we wonder how they stay together. Still others, by contrast, appear to be the perfect pair until we hear they're splitting up or getting a divorce.

CHAPTER THREE THE PATTERNS OF RELATIONSHIPS INTRODUCTION Most of us have some kind of idea in our minds about how a "good" or "correct" relationship is supposed to be. We can cause ourselves needless distress by comparing our own relationships with such an idea of what a relationship "should be like" and then concluding that our own is defective by comparison. Psychologists may imply something of that sort when they formulate criteria for a "healthy relationship" which few real couples ever meet. There are many kinds of relationships, and a given kind may fit a given person or couple at one stage of development but not at another. Driven by our personal history, we choose partners who help us meet our present needs, fulfill our expectations, and if we're lucky, work through hour issues and grow in the directions in which we need to grow. For a person or couple, recognizing these can open doors to a broader spectrum of ways of being with ourselves and each other. We all know some couples who seem so mismatched that we wonder how they ever got together, yet who have learned to enjoy each other and live together happily. Other couples seem so 45

Sharpening and deepening our awareness of we're doing, and how we're doing it, can help us change our behavior in ways that make a relationship more nourishing and supportive, and less toxic and painful. Or it can help us see what we're not going to find in this one. In either case, a clearer perception our present existential reality can help us move toward doing a better job of meeting our own (and often the other person's) needs. Ten kinds of relationships are described here, grouped into "dominant" and "collateral" patterns. This treatment is analytical in attempting to sketch the outlines of the principal patterns of relationships people enter into, and existential in attempting to describe what they are like from the inside. Upon hearing these descriptions, many of our clients, students, and workshop participants breathed sighs of relief, because this categorization helped them understand what they were experiencing. They said such things as, "Yes, that's what's going on with us!" and "It's reassuring to know that what we're normal!" The typology attempts to capture essential elements of each kind of relationship with a minimum of 46

judgment. It says, "This is how it is for these people at this point in time. The relationship fills real needs. It may become something else in the future, but this is what exists right now." As Shirley Luthman and Martin Kirshenbaum (1974) pointed out in their "theory of positive intent," often there is some kind of motive to grow toward the realization of one's potential (frequently in the form of rebellion against elements in the relationship that impede such growth) even in what appear on the surface to be distressingly pathological relationships. Using this insight as a starting point is quite different from the common approach of saying, "Here's what's wrong with each of these relationships and here's what should be done to fix it."

THE FIVE DOMINANT PATTERNS 1. SURVIVAL RELATIONSHIPS. These exist when partners feel like they can't make it on their own. The choice of a partner tends to be undiscriminating, made out of emotional starvation; almost anyone available will do. This involves relating at its most basic: "Without you I am nothing; with you I am something." The survival involved may be physical as well as emotional, including the basics of finding shelter, eating, working, and paying bills. For example, a drug addict may be connected with a rigid, regimented partner who holds things together. In such a 47

connection, the desperate quality of my choice is based more on my needs than on what you actually can offer me. Since we are likely to have few shared interests or complementary qualities, there's little positive "glue" to hold us together when our relationship comes under stress. With each of us trying to get the other to provide what we're missing, our union is likely to be a symbiotic, desperately clinging one. Often the relationship is subtly or openly hostile and abusive. One partner or both may be actually afraid he or she could get killed for talking about the partner's drinking or drug addictions or other problems, or for behaving in a way that appears to threaten the relationship. Such fears may have a basis in reality. Relationships where one partner physically abuses the other are often of this kind. Partners may be desperate for caring, or they may be overwhelmed by any sign of caring and not know how to receive it. In the latter case, the desperation may be just to have another person around to provide some kind of contact, order, routine, or even an opponent for fights and arguments. As a result of the desperation for contact and fear of losing it, partners tend to have a very fuzzy sense of their personal boundaries. Their contact is characterized by "confluence," in Fritz Perls' terms, in which it is unclear where one leaves off and the 48

other begins, with considerable projection of the needs of each onto the other and introjections of the other's definitions of oneself. Often partners think in terms of what the other person wants them to want, and are out of touch with what they themselves want. They may have little tolerance for independence and aloneness, and "go everywhere together and do everything together." Instead of taking care of their own needs, they resent the partner for not taking care of their needs. The tiniest flicker of independence can be perceived as a threat. Even going into an ice cream parlor and asking for strawberry ice cream can be perceived as threatening if both of them have always ordered chocolate. Strong feelings of insecurity tend to play a central role. Despite all this, they are getting something out of it. The connection feels better than being alone or institutionalized. Since the partners are so afraid to be alone, when they leave one relationship for another, they tend to make sure there's someone else to jump to before they let go of the person they've been with, or make a quick impulsive choice of a new partner. Since the partners tend to be very dependent personalities, or "relationship junkies," co-dependency is often a dominant feature of such connections. (Co-dependent relationships can also exist at more sophisticated levels. A person may not feel his or her emotional survival intensely threatened, but the partner can be perceived as an 49

anchor in one's life without whom one is rudderless and lost. This is very common and is often an element in a number of the other relationship types described below.) Therapy with a survival relationship is likely to begin with looking at how the other person is "right" for you. What needs are they fulfilling? How was your existence at the point where the other person came into it? How can you develop more self-support in areas where you're depending on the relationship for support? How would your life be without this person? How well were you functioning when you met him or her? Sometimes the ending of such relationships is a sign of growth by one person or by both. Even when that's the case, the relationship may end in a hostile way that is at least emotionally destructive and at most physically violent. 2. VALIDATION RELATIONSHIPS. A person may seek another's validation of his or her physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, sexuality, wealth, or some other attribute. Sex and money are especially common validations. In response to a sexually unsatisfying relationship, a person may choose a new partner with whom sexuality is central: "I was afraid it was me, that I was frigid or something, but my new lover and I have wonderful sex." Many teen-agers and young adults who are looking for a sense of identity form 50

relationships based on physical or sexual validation. The packaging tends to be very important: physical beauty, sharp clothes, a cool car; the package of romantic images which fit the reference group the person wants to be a part of. These relationships are always a little insecure: "Does she like me, or not?" There are theatrics and acting-out designed to get the other person to pursue you. Since the partners are immature, there is enormous tension and constant testing: "Do you really love me?" One small act can be everything, a source of tears and anguish, despite everything else the partner has done all week. (This element can also occur in other types of relationships.) Each partner can be looking for a different kind of validation. An older professor who takes up with an attractive young student may want physical and sexual validation, while the student wants intellectual validation. As the relationship continues, one person may continue to require validation while the other starts wanting something deeper. When this happens, both partners are apt to feel betrayed, empty, and angry. For example, the man may discover that the beautiful woman doesn't give him. What he thinks she's going to. He grows hungry for real contact, while she still wants to be the queen and have endless large parties. One of the sources of validation they originally had in common has 51

broken. Or the woman who wants security marries money and discovers that even though she's rich, she still feels anxious and threatened. The money doesn't do what she thought it would. A validation relationship can further the valuable goal of shoring up a person's self-esteem in areas where he or she has felt inadequate or doubtful. When that has been done, and the partners begin to be able to give themselves some of the validation they relied on the other person for. The question which begins to emerge is, "How much do we have in common besides the validating item? Where else can we go in the relationship? Can we find other sources of connection besides the surface personality traits and social roles that originally brought us together?" When an older man marries a beautiful trinket, if that's all she is, the relationship may not have a promising future. But if she's a thinking person beneath the facade, the relationship may develop. If, for example, she was raised in a family with "the beauty" as her role, but is intelligent as well, there are possibilities. She may begin to play an important role in his business, or develop her own abilities in a way which makes her a more broadly interesting or useful partner. If no deeper basis for connecting materializes and the partners drift apart, there is a strong chance that the needs for validation have been met and the partners have begun seeking something different. 52

At that point, the relationship has done its work. The partners have learned to validate in themselves the qualities they were insecure about and they are ready to connect along other dimensions. 3. SCRIPTED RELATIONSHIPS. This common pattern often begins when the partners both are just out of high school or college. They seem to be "the perfect pair," fitting almost all the external criteria of what an appropriate mate should be like. The marriage involves living out their expectations for the roles they learned they were supposed to play. He has the "right" kind of job and she is the "right" kind of wife and they have the "right" kind of house or apartment or condo in the "right" place. Their families think it's the perfect match. These relationships are intended to be for the long haul. They are often very child-focused. Everyone is getting raised at the same time: The parents are growing up while they're raising the children. A variation of this theme is the career-oriented couple, where the career takes the place of the child. They may have a child too, but the career is the primary focus. Often there is also still heavy involvement with the family of origin, calling mom or dad at least once a day. Big holidays are stressful because they can't even please themselves, much less everyone else on both sides of the family. They become days of obligation rather than holidays. 53

In these relationships differences often take the form of power struggles. Endless arguments develop about everything: how to maintain the illusion of perfection to family and friends as well as how to handle their own feelings and inclinations. This often turns into a pattern in which the issue isn't really the matter at hand but rather who "wins." A mistake one person made ten years ago is still brought up today. Sexual attraction and involvement may suffer as a by-product of the power struggles and the difficulty in talking to each other in intimate ways. Don and Carol were seen by all as "right" for each other. Like both their families, they became upwardly mobile. Cheered on by all their friends, they were classic "Yuppies" during the 1980s. After Don successfully moved into politics, his jeans became expensive suits, and Carol's business success gave her options for exploring the material world with a vengeance. They argue over everything. While both are monogamous, they are almost celibate. To those observing from outside the family, they are almost an inspiration. In this kind of relationship, everyone can end up "invisible." The wife may be invisible to the husband, with his focus on career and kids. (In a two-career family the reverse can also be true). The husband may be invisible to the wife, with her focus 54

on the children and her community interests. The children are invisible because their primary role is to serve as projections of the parents' needs and expectations, and anything that doesn't fit those expectations is squelched. As long as the roles fit both partners' expectations, the relationship works. When someone takes a step toward breaking out of an expected role, often the partner views it as a major threat and a power struggle ensues. In these relationships, partners tend to get stuck in old patterns. They don't try new things; don't find a way to discuss where to go on vacation. They may divorce in their forties after twenty-five years of marriage, often because when the kids are gone, so is most of what held them together. Endings in these relationships tend to be heart-wrenchingly painful and destructive: "There's twenty-six years of my life going down the drain!" Whether these people split up or shift to more effective ways of relating is likely to depend on how many points of contact they have. If they split up, it's likely to involve an extramarital affair, because the system provides no opportunity for talking about the relationship. When partners start letting go of their tight hold on their scripts and expectations (especially the expectation that "my way is the right way and I wish you'd just recognize it," a scripted relationship may move toward becoming an acceptance 55

relationship or an individuation/assertion relationship, as described below. As these couples start learning to listen, to disclose their deeper feelings, to negotiate, and to compromise, they can provide room for each other to develop and value individual identities. This includes learning to pursue their individual interests, such as fishing for him and tennis for her, and then coming together to share common concerns and pleasures, such as going out together tonight and taking the kids to the park tomorrow. Partners often find solutions to their conflicts when they begin letting go of stereotyped ideas about who has to do what. Perhaps he likes cooking but is all thumbs around the house, while she's handy with tools and tired of being locked into the woman's role. Partners in these relationships need to look at all the things they've wanted to do in life but haven't, because it didn't fit their stereotypes about themselves and their expectations about their partners. They need to learn to communicate at an emotional level, to disclose their feelings and listen to those of their partner. They may need to learn to work less and play more. 4. ACCEPTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. This is what many of us thought we were getting into when we entered a relationship, including 56

many people in the three categories above. In an acceptance relationship we trust, support and enjoy each other. And within broad limits, we are ourselves. But each of us has a good sense of which aspects of our personal selves lie outside those limits. I find ways to restrain myself from pushing those limits that erode your trust, strain your enjoyment, and weaken your support for me. When our expectations are not overwhelming, when the differences between our interests and inclinations are not too dissonant, and when our combative instincts are not too strong, a scripted relationship can evolve into an acceptance relationship. When there's enough growth to keep us together and our insecurities allow for honest reassurances, a validation relationship can also evolve into an acceptance relationship. Valerie says, "Eventually Dave and I both realized we didn't have to be phony as our major priority. We found much in common, and now we give and receive a lot with each other."

potentialities. They require each person's acknowledgment and appreciation of their differences. For many couples, in the nineteen-eighties and nineties this pattern took the place of the acceptance relationship as an ideal. It includes elements of an acceptance relationship, but the roles are more flexible and the boundaries more permeable. Partners actively encourage each others' creativity and growth in new directions, and encourage the partner to pursue personal interests with which they themselves have little connection. On vacation, if they have three weeks, they may do separate things for a week, then get together for the final two. Partners in these relationships tend to appreciate differentness, thereby opening up the range of people that they can connect with. Although the partners often look very different on the outside, on the inside their processes for handling conflicts and problems may be similar.

5. INDIVIDUATION-ASSERTION RELATIONSHIPS. These relationships are based on the assertion of each person's wants and needs, and on respect for the other person's process of personal growth. Often they are focused on partners' struggles with what is missing or lacking in terms of self-discovery, becoming whole, and developing their

The "working through" process in these relationships demands an ability to tolerate ambiguities. As partners develop goals and resolve problems, they need to have enough flexibility to deal with issues without getting locked into their "positions." They need to be open to finding new solutions rather than holding onto some fixed, and

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often unstated, concept of how things should be. It's not a major issue when one person doesn't want to follow an old program, such as what to do on Easter. They're willing to wait and discover how their feelings evolve rather than program most goals in advance. For some couples in other forms of relationships, it's easier to move into an acceptance relationship, while for others it's easier to move into an individuation/assertion relationship. In a scripted relationship where partners have very different interests but genuinely care for each other, loosening the role expectations and creating space for each person to follow his or her own pursuits is one way to step out of chronic power struggles. THE FIVE COLLATERAL PATTERNS These patterns tend by their nature to be more transient than those described above, lasting from a few weeks (or with pastime relationships, sometime as little as one night) to a few years. When one lasts longer, it is likely to evolve into one of the forms described above. 6. HEALING RELATIONSHIPS. These liaisons follow periods of loss, struggle, deprivation, stress, or mourning. Participants typically feel wounded and fearful. They need Tender Loving Care badly, and at the same time 59

need to undertake some reassessment of themselves and their ways of relating. They don't have to be at the same place at the same time in their own growth and development, and frequently they aren't. By external criteria the partners may appear to be misfits, sometimes greatly so. The lack of fit may involve age, with twenty or thirty years difference between them. It may involve I.Q., like the brilliant woman lawyer with a ski instructor who's not too intellectual. It may involve sexual attitudes and experience, based on recent or ancient traumas, or on a questioning of old attitudes. Physical distance is common in healing relationships. One woman who divorced after ten years of marriage got together with an out-of-state ex-professor whose wife had died. Her friends disapproved, insisting that "it'll never go anywhere," but at the time it was exactly what they both needed. They were together for about two years, sharing that stage of their lives. A white woman reports, "I had a healing relationship with a black man. We provided each other with badly needed support and had some very good times together. After a while the differences became bigger than the things we had in common. He re-met a childhood sweetheart, married her, and I sold them my bed."

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Couples in these relationships tend to talk about the past a lot, about the struggle or loss that preceded their own relationship. Often they go over and over it, reliving it on different levels as they try to understand and come to terms with it. Gentleness, support, and comfort rather than great passion characterize such relationships. They are usually play-oriented rather than work-oriented, with plenty of recreation, trips together, and other ways of indulging each other. If the relationship ends rather than moving into a different form, the ending tends to be supportive rather than traumatic, perhaps as a gradual growing away from each other. Sometimes a person may have two or three different healing relationships at once. Also, although most healing relationships are symmetrical, sometimes one person is healing and one is experimenting or transitioning, as described below. 7. EXPERIMENTAL RELATIONSHIPS. These are "trying it out" relationships. A man who has always chosen partners emotionally similar to his mother, for example, may try being with someone very different. The intention is to find out how to relate to someone like this person, and what a such a relationship is like. That can open a door to finding new ways of behaving with others, and perhaps to discovering little61

known sides of oneself and allowing them to grow. Dating relationships often have this quality of exploration. When two people in an experimental relationship make a connection that clicks, it may evolve into one of the dominant forms. Or an experimental relationship that almost clicks, but not quite, may influence what a person looks for in the next partner. 8. TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS. In these, the relationship is a cross between the old and the new, between patterns that drove you crazy and others that you were changing. This lets us handle the old issues and conflicts in new ways without the gut-grinding of the old relationship. At the same time, we can try new ways of being and relating. It's a good place to practice for a long-term relationship that's healthier than the one that preceded it. Occasionally it may evolve into one. For instance, a woman whose first husband lied to her constantly, forcing her to rely on her intuitive sense of what was really going on, became involved with a man who was basically honest but whose love of drama led to exaggeration. In the past such exaggeration would have enraged her, but she allowed herself to discover that in the areas that counted, he was honest. If one person gets hooked heavily into the old patterns or falls into the same old addictions as in 62

the previous relationship, this stops being a transitional relationship and becomes the same kind as the one that came before it. It may become a transference relationship, as described below. When both people in a transitional relationship have worked through what they needed to, such a relationship can end in a relatively caring and efficient way. 9. AVOIDANCE RELATIONSHIPS. This pattern may involve people who protect themselves against any deep intimacy with others or any full contact with their own deeper feelings. Or it may involve people just coming out of a relationship who are afraid of still more of the painful feelings of loss, mourning and failure that often accompany splitting up. Or both. A history of past loss of a parent, other family member, partner, or close friend by abandonment or death, and the fear that "If I get too close to this person it will happen again" is a common part of the pattern. The defining quality is that the partners choose someone with whom they can avoid the feelings or patterns of behavior that they want to stay away from. In some cases, the partner in such a relationship may be someone who doesn't fit into the rest of a person's life. For example, he doesn't introduce her to friends or business associates. There may be a heavy emphasis on sex as a way of suppressing the painful feelings. Self-disclosure is likely to be low 63

and mistrust (of oneself, the other, or both) high. Often the beginnings and endings are abrupt. After the trauma of his "idyllic" marriage of ten years exploded in his face, Jim kept a continuing series of avoidance relationships going for almost fifteen years, until he finally allowed himself to trust enough to open up in a fuller way again. 10. PASTIME RELATIONSHIPS. A pastime relationship is essentially recreational; for fun and games; and is identified as such. Although some hopes may attach themselves, expectations seldom do. A summer romance is likely to be a pastime relationship. In most cases, circumstances make it unlikely that the relationship will be an enduring one. Passionate, delightful, and tender while it lasts, there's no expectation that it should be more than that. The dominant mood and theme is "going with it fully for all of what it is." TRANSFERENCE RELATIONSHIPS, MATURE RELATIONSHIPS, AND LIVING ALONE Two other very different characteristics of relating can shed some useful light on how we sometimes experience our ways of being with each other. In addition, we will briefly examine the experience of living alone is a relational context. (1) TRANSFERENCE RELATIONSHIPS. To a greater or lesser degree, a relationship which falls into any of several of the categories above can 64

be a transference relationship. In these, we perceive the other or behave toward the other in the ways in which we perceived or behaved toward another person earlier in our life, like a parent or ex-partner. Projection and mistaken attributions are a large part of when you do a certain thing, I conclude that you mean what my parent or ex-partner would have meant by it, even if that's not the case at all. If a person is committed to these mistaken interpretations, attributions, and expectations, then the prognosis for the relationship is not good. If they are willing to hear the other's statement that, "I meant something quite different by that than you inferred," then confronting and letting go of mistaken or counterproductive patterns transferred from the old relationship onto the new one can be an important source of psychological growth, and may lead to an enduring relationship that works. (2) MATURE RELATIONSHIPS. In many people over 40 (the figure is a rough one), the needs have shifted, and there is no long such a need to use the relationship to make a statement about oneself. As they grow, partners tend to move away from largely predetermined scripts in which the response to anyone will be more or less similar, toward relationships that are responsive to the uniqueness of each other person. 65

The mature relationship is almost an article in and of itself. There is a relative lack of judgment and there are relatively few nonnegotiable rigid expectations. There is a community of experience. The old fights have become boring or tiresome. Evolution in these directions typically includes movement out of the role of being either the "subject" who manipulates the other into fulfilling his or her needs or the "object" who is manipulated into filling the other's need. It includes movement toward a healthy mutuality in which we can alternate between subject and object roles, supporting and encouraging each other's interests without losing a sense of self. Companionship may be found with one's oldest child, or a brother or sister, or friends, and there is not the demand that the partner fill all one's relational needs that are frequently found in less mature relationships. Partners may become primary supports to each other without great dependency, and may be contented with things they would not have been contented with in young adulthood. A mature relationship tends to have a quality of ease and contentment, with an edge of unpredictability. There is a potential for excitement, if only in small things. At the same time, a mature relationship may still have characteristics of one or more of the types of relationships described above.

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Of course human behavior and experience seldom fit neatly into tidy categories in which we are only either this or that. Most real relationships are a little of this and a little of that. (3) LIVING ALONE. The experience of living alone deserves a few words in the context of relationships. The reasons people live alone include these: • First, some processes are "loner" processes, such as grieving, or exploring oneself in a variety of contexts with a variety of people. • Second, people may keep their distance from others because of fears and insecurities. Some kind of counseling or therapy is often appropriate here. • Third, they may keep their distance because of a desire to learn to stand alone and be independent, or to work through issues which caused trouble in a past relationship before moving in to a new one. • Fourth, a person may be available, but face a supply-and-demand inequality of acceptable partners. In this case, a network of supportive friends can be invaluable. • Finally, someone may be fulfilled enough on his or her own and feel no strong need for a partner. Some highly creative artists fall into this category.

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Here too, a network of supportive friends can be valuable. The development of a self-supportive, self-nurturing relationship with oneself is an important category of relationship, one which is all the more important when a person is in fact living alone. At the same time, it is important to have others available to call on when the need arises. Difficulties in relationships are viewed here as "problems in living," as Thomas Szasz (1974, 1991) puts it, rather than as pathology. The focus is on how it is experienced, how it is working and filling felt needs, and how each person has the personal responsibility of learning relate in constructive rather than destructive ways.

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sentences. The more time you spend with someone, the more like them you become.

CHAPTER FOUR

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS From the second we are born we crave relationships We need to feel connected to other people. We need to feel love and acceptance. Naturally the first relationships we have are with our parents. We look to them care and nurture us. We learn so much from them – good and bad depending upon their beliefs and morals. As we grow older we develop friendships – both platonic and romantic. Many of us become parents ourselves. We continue to learn from every person we develop a relationship with. And then there are acquaintances – people we know. We might hang out with them some times, but their lives don’t really intertwine with ours. They’re usually not our first choice to go to dinner with. Their life struggles don’t personally affect us in any way. We learn to share. We learn team-work. We develop likes and dislikes. We tend to gravitate towards people we look up to. This could also be people we fear. I always told my kids, “Be careful of who you hang out with, because you will develop some of their traits.” It’s just human nature. I think that’s one of the reasons why it’s so easy for couples to finish each other’s 69

I believe that the relationships we have with others determines our true character. Family and friends will be there in our times of struggle – strangers and acquaintances will scarcely be seen. In the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” Clarence the Angel writes “Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.” With friends and people by our side we can accomplish anything. It’s important that we build strong relationships with those we love. They are the ones that matter the most to us. We should always treat them as such. Never take them for granted. Value the unique aspect of each individual. Can you imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same? Treat everybody with respect. Accept people where they are. Allow them to make their own choices in life. Remember you can’t change anyone but yourself, so concentrate on being the best person and the best friend you can be – and you’ll have no problem establishing and retaining real long lasting relationships. WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS? It allows someone to feel that they are loved and that they have a purpose in life. I say that the 70

importance in a relationship is having your partner in life to be your rock. To be the one person you can count on 100% of the time. Life is one tough thing to get through. You need that all on your side to be the one to pick you up, to get you through, to be the reason you wake up and try everyday as hard as you can. Because they need you and you need them. Are you valuing the Importance of Relationships and Conversations? Being immersed in the social media world has made me realize how fast information moves and how much of it is out there. Our world is continually moving faster and faster, which finds us running from one thing to another with something always on the go. Everyday we have opportunities to have real and meaningful conversations and engagements with the people we care about in our lives. We have the opportunity to build relationships, encourage others, and learn from each other. It may be with a life-long friend, or a new connection- the opportunity to learn and grow through genuine conversation is the same. With the speed that the day moves, I have caught myself sacrificing these engagements and conversations so that I don't feel like I am "getting behind". Of course, I am already behind, and the irony is that even if I caught up (which is 71

impossible) I would have missed out on what is really important. WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT? I am a big believer that one of the truest sources of positive energy and intrinsic motivation comes from authentic conversations and interactions with the people that we care about, trust, and respect. While there may not be any immediate business value or ROI on these conversations, the relationships you grow and sustain are invaluable over the course of a lifetime, and without them all the ROI in the world will not make you happy. The True Challenge So, my own personal challenge (and my challenge to you) is, next time you have an opportunity to take even 5 minutes out of your day to give all of your attention and engagement to a close friend, partner, wife, husband or meaningful connectiondo it! Don't hesitate or worry about the opportunity cost of the time you are giving up. Instead, simply enjoy a truly meaningful conversation, spend your energy listening to that person and finding the gold nuggets that you can learn from. I guarantee after a real conversation like that, you will feel incredibly energized, thankful, and motivated to continue to move forward. It is much easier to see the bigger picture of what is truly important in this life when

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we take the time to appreciate those things that make life what it is! Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken. We teach some by what we say, we teach some more by what we do But we teach most by what we are. ON THE IMPORTANCE OF REAL RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW PASSIONATE WORK CAN KILL BALANCE “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”

-Stephen Levine Sometime last night our community here at Live Your Legend tipped over 10,000 subscribers. This has always been a dream but I knew better than to set it as a specific goal since I had very little control over it. You all are the ones with the control. You’re why this site exists. You’re why I’m able to spend as much time as I do writing and building things for the community. You’re why I get to do work I truly LOVE.

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Thank you for that. This somewhat arbitrary milestone also got me thinking… Anyone who’s been around this world for more than a decade or two has probably realized one very real and powerful fact. Relationships rule the world. Think back for a second to one or two of your most proud accomplishments. Think about where you were and what was going on. Really feel what you felt. Do you remember who was there? Now think of your most recent accomplishment – big or small. Anything you’re super proud of will do. What was the first urge you had immediately after the accomplishment? If you’re anything like the rest of the world, it was to tell someone. Maybe you called your husband or wife, grabbed your business partner or called a close friend. If all else failed, perhaps you grabbed someone on the street. Whoever it was, one thing doesn’t change. When we accomplish things or have meaningful experiences, our natural reaction is to share it with others. Because when we share it, it takes the experience to a whole new level. Why is it fun to go to a party, have a workout partner or build a family? Because relationships make life what it is. Most everything we look forward to has a great deal to 74

do with the people we are going to experience it with. Whether it’s a wedding and the family, friends and person you are about to marry, or if it’s a solo trip around the world and the uncertainty of all the amazing people you are likely to meet along the adventure. Everything is fun because of people. It all comes back to relationships. Especially ones closest to you. Unfortunately the ones closest to us are the ones we tend to take for granted the most. Ever notice how you can easily be in a nasty mood around your spouse but as soon as you’re around strangers, friends or acquaintances, everything is peaches and cream? What’s with that? Shouldn’t it be the other way around – Offer your best to those who mean the most to you? This is probably the most dangerous part of doing work you love. Loving your work can kill the balance. I love the work I do. Many of the people in this community feel the same (or are well on their way). That’s something I’m grateful for every day. Not being able to distinguish between work and play is a pretty awesome thing. And it’s wildly powerful. It allows you to accomplish much bigger and more meaningful things than if you spent most your day slamming your forehead against your computer. That’s great. 75

But it also can cause you to lose sight of what really matters. Just because you love your work to the point where you could do it 24/7 does not mean that’s how you should be spending your time. Because one thing’s for sure, just because you love what you do, does not mean that those close to you love you doing what you love every second of every day. It’s easy to miss this when caught deep in the world of creativity. We need people to remind us of the important. My wife Deborah plays this role perfectly. And I’m grateful for that. As you all probably know, the last few years have been pretty wild with Live Your Legend. First we launched the new brand and site. Then a few months later we launched Live Off Your Passion. This was amazing and a dream come true in many ways but it totally killed my balance. There were two three-week spans in the last six months where I was absolutely all hands on deck. I was driven by excitement but I was still up until midnight and up again at 4 or 5 am many days of the week. Might be good for the business (at least in the short term) but not good for my relationships… I got so caught up in the work I loved doing that I had stopped acting congruent with a fundamental belief that I have.

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That belief is that none of this would matter – not the business, the freedom, the followers – if it wasn’t for those close to me. The only reason all of this is so amazing (and even exists in the first place) is because of my wife Chelsea. Her support. Her being who she is (in fact she she’s the one who encouraged me to start my first blog back in 2006). And for my family and those close to me, who keep me smiling, encourage me and are there even when I probably don’t deserve it. They don’t care what I do or don’t accomplish. They’re there no matter what. That’s priceless. They are where everything started. And they are where it all will end. Without the people close to me nothing else matters. Everyone reading this is in one of two places: You either love your work or are going to love your work real soon. That’s going to change the world and we desperately need it. But either way, you will no doubt face this problem. Yes, it’s a high-class problem to have, but also one with serious repercussions if not taken to heart. Love your work. Get lost in it. Make it a part of who you are. But don’t let yourself forget why what you do matters in the first place.

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The people close to you come first. No matter how big the dreams you’re living or the accomplishments you’re achieving. The people close to you come first. Sure, there will be plenty more 2-3 weeks stretches where I’m about to launch something new and all hands are on deck. But for every one of those stretches, I promise to have plenty more days out on an adventure or laying on the couch with Chelsea getting lost in our favorite game or watching way too many episodes of Friday Night Lights (or whatever show we happen to be obsessed with at the time). And there will be plenty more weeks and months of exploring new parts of the world on top of that. Because it’s those experiences that make things fun. They’re what matter. It’s easy to forget. And all of us will from time to time (I know I’ll be guilty of it again). So let this be a reminder. And be thankful of the people close to you who care enough to get angry or hurt when you temporarily lose your way. We need that wakeup call more than anything. So what relationships have you let slip? Who deserves more attention? Who do you want to give more attention but have recently convinced yourself you “don’t have the time”? Who do you want to connect with for the first time? 78

Jot down a list of names and it’s time to play a little catch-up.

ridiculous things. Get over it. It’s ok to be wrong. And even more noble to admit it.

I’ve put together a few ideas to help get things back on track.

4. Give something meaningful. Think of a book you know someone could benefit from in their given situation. Personalize it with an inscription on the first page. The cost doesn’t matter. What does is that you give it clear thought and it’s a genuine fit for the recipient. Even better, take something of yours that’s really helped you and give it to someone else. Books and music are perfect for this. Declutter your house a bit and transfer value to the next person. Let them know how helpful the item was for you.

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.”

-Swedish Proverb 9 FIRST STEPS TO STRENGTHENING, REPAIRING OR BEGINNING A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP 1. Invite someone to dinner. Given that we’re deep in the holidays, ask them to dinner with your family. Do you have a family member or friend who’s usually alone for the holidays? Change that. Bring them back in or expose them to something new. 2. Write a note. Go down the street and pick up a few more holiday cards. Be genuine and speak directly to the person you’re writing to as you compose the message. Express some emotion. It feels pretty good. 3. Say sorry. Have you been stubborn lately? If you say no, then it’s time to get honest. We’re all pigheaded here and there, and often for the most

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5. Make an introduction. This is the cheapest and most powerful gift you could likely give. Everyone knows someone who can help someone else. We just often don’t take the time to think about it. Who do you know who would get massive benefit from meeting someone else in your circle? This is also a much more comfortable way of reaching out to someone you’ve lost touch with. If you’re too shy to confront the situation head on, you could just send a short note about how you met a person they’d really enjoy meeting. Go from there. 6. Be there. If you know someone’s dealing with something tough or is lonely, just swing by and offer to be there. Don’t make them talk through it if 80

they don’t want to. Just being there and offering company can be enough to make all the difference. 7. Tell people you care. This is one of the most under-practiced acts between people. Stop taking for granted that your family, your husband, your wife, your business partner, you child or your closest friends know how much they mean to you. Tell them straight up. Let them know that without their relationship, you’d be in a very tough spot. Tell them specifically all the things they’ve provided you over the years. This is the last thing to assume those close to you already know. Open up a bit. 8. Spend time. Who are you not as close with as you’d like to be? Who have you lost touch with who you wish you hadn’t? Who are the people who’ve fallen by the wayside lately? They could be people you haven’t spoken to in months or years, or it could be your husband, wife or children whom you know deserve more of your time. You pick. Make a phone call. Take a day off to stay home with everyone. Take someone out to a meal. Anything to make the connection closer than it was. 9. Help someone. This is where it all beings and ends. Every one of the above involves helping in some way. Everyone has pains, needs and goals. Help people bridge the gap. Ask them or ask someone close to them where they could most use a 81

hand. Do something you know will matter to those close to you or those you wish were closer. You can make a bigger difference than you realize. “Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.” - Miles Franklin

Broken relationships exist because one or both people cannot swallow their pride. What would happen if you decided to be the bigger person? What if you decided that whatever happened isn’t going to come between something so important. How much happier would the two of you be? That’s totally in our control. It’s in your control. In the next two weeks a lot of us are going to spend a lot of time around friends and family. Some we’re excited to see. Some we’re not so excited about. Realize that the people you are about to spend time around are the people who make life what it is. They’re what make accomplishments memorable. They’re what make life interesting (and fun). And they are what make you who you are.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS Communication is so very important in relationships, all types of relationships, not just romantic relationships. And the communication includes both the verbal and nonverbal varieties. A relationship is a connection and exchange between people. Communication plays a large role in the exchange between people. It exchanges information in the form of ideas, wants, desires, feelings, and much more. Incomplete or stopped communication can create a block in the relationship. The degree of the block can vary with the severity or repeating of the communication stop. A block in the relationship exists or will grow when communication is just flat out avoided.

important ones develop, it behaves as if there were clamps on the lungs of the relationship. The relationship has trouble breathing. Without this exchange of life energy, the relationship cannot grow, it may struggle, and if it is severe enough, then the relationship suffers and dies. The relationship can be considered to be a living entity just as each one of us are living. There has to be a continuous flow of energy through each and every living entity. The flow is between each partner of the relationship and between the relating partners and the environment. Just as in an individual body, when the energy is blocked or stopped, a disease or illness starts to develop. The key for a healthy and growing relationship is to keep the communications flowing.

A communication avoidance or stop will prevent that topic from being shared and gone through. When enough of these areas build up or a couple

Communication can be stopped in a variety of ways. Avoidance was already mentioned. If both partners avoid the same subject, then it will never arise in conversation. If only one is avoiding the subject, they might just stop the conversation when that topic comes up. This is usually obvious. They might also divert the conversation and depending on their skill, this can be obvious or it can be done without notice. In either case, that aspect of the relationship that reflects that subject will cease to move. However, if the other partner notices the diversion or avoidance, then the interpretations or stories that the person puts on the avoidance can magnify the effect. And some people are good at

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A childhood covenant that I made was to avoid upsetting other people. Now this did not always give me good behavior. Instead, it got me to avoid communicating any topics that I perceived would upset someone else. However, in adult relationships, this behavior only avoided the hard issues that people have to work through for the relationship to be healthy and to grow.

creating some very negative interpretations for minor events. Nonverbal communication can be even trickier. People put a lot of communication into nonverbal forms. This is especially true when people are approaching new romantic situations. Many people are not comfortable verbalizing enough of the romantic details. So the approach to romance is mostly through nonverbal signals. However, when the flow is broken, if the reason is not sufficiently verbalized, (such as, "I would love to ..., but right now because of ...) then the break is often taken as a permanent "no" or stop. This is why many people feel that they have only one chance as they enter a new relationship.

removed from the subject. You can tell a stranger in a bar, a priest in a confessional, or a room of strangers in a therapy workshop. Whatever gets the flow moving is good and will reduce the power of that item. However, once a stuck item is nudged, then other communications or actions may be required to keep the energy of the release of the subject continuing. You have to pay attention to see what is needed. However, paying attention is an important half of communication. Communication is part giving and part receiving. Both parts are necessary by both partners for good communications. Some people are good listeners and some are good talkers, but both partners have to do both for complete and effective communication. Communications can be stopped on both sides, by avoidance of the giving or telling, and by avoidance of the receiving. Attention has to be given to both sides of communication to insure that the communication remains completed by both partners and that stops or blocks are addressed and released to allow the relationship to grow in a healthy fashion.

If you recognize that you are having difficulty in starting a communication topic, there are a variety of ways to get it going. If you can't say what you need to, you may be able to write it instead. If you can't approach a person directly, you can enlist the help of another friend to bring up the topic in front of the write person. You can also arrange items or events to cause a discussion of the appropriate topic. Sometimes you cannot talk about something because it got labeled as something to not talk about, so you don't talk about it at all with anyone. In this case, if you can find someone to tell, it will help to remove the power that item holds over you. It will usually be easier to tell someone who is

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP BUILDING THROUGH YOUR WEDDING WEBSITE There has been so much focus on the fact that we live in the information age that many people have forgotten that the internet wasn’t formed to give

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people information, but rather to connect people. Why does this matter to your wedding business you ask? Because when you realize that the internet is set up to connect people and help you build relationships it should change the way you view your website. Yes, people need information about your business, but the focus of your website needs to be to build that initial connection which is the foundation of a business relationship with a bride.

these factors to show how relationship change channels diffusion. This article formalizes the diffusion problem in networks with changing relations, identifies minimal bounds needed to measure diffusion potential in such networks, and provides a method for identifying who is at risk for diffusion. The effect of timing for diffusion potential is demonstrated with potential flow of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in an adolescent romantic network.

When you read your landing page remember that you are building a relationship with the bride who reads it. Does it have the ability to connect on a personal level, or does it read like an information pamphlet? Think about it. Often if a business has a cover page leading to their home page it will include the word “Welcome” or “Enter Here.” The idea of your home page is that you are welcoming a new person into your home or business. Yes, you need to include information on who you are and what you do, but make sure brides can relate to it. What do you think?

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY When you look for spending your whole life with a person, then there are a number of things that matter more than the physical aspect of a relationship. Compatibility plays a major role in determining whether two people would survive in the long run or not. Understanding each other’s point of view and having common views about things can check your level of compatibility. The key to a long-term relationship is compatibility.

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP TIMING FOR DIFFUSION Relationship timing can have dramatic effects on diffusion through a network, as relationship order determines transmission routes. Though past research has modeled diffusion through static networks or developed methods for modeling change in network patterns, none has combined

Most of the times lack of compatibility in a relationship is the reason for break up. Some of the relationships also break because of abuse and violence, but the main reason behind it is the lack of compatibility and understanding between two people. Most people visit their marriage counselors for patching up their relationship; it is because of the non-compatibility that exists between them. For

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making your relationship work, it is mainly important that you understand your partner and develop communication skills that convey your messages with clarity. There are different levels of compatibility outlined. The first and the most obvious is the physical compatibility. Physical compatibility is something that you can even feel in the absence of your partner. When you think about him or her it gives you a ticklish feeling and excites your hormones. The physical compatibility or attraction can be stated to be the start of a possible relationship. If physical compatibility does not exist then it would be possible that you cross each other without even giving a glance. The next ingredient of compatibility is the level of easiness that you are at in the presence of your partner. This is less apparent in the beginning but the most important for the long run. You should feel comfortable and enjoy each other’s company, and also be at ease when you’re with each other. It is important that you feel like you’re friends, so that you can share your feelings and thoughts with each other without a hitch.

partner or not. If your thoughts don’t match and after the initial romantic phase is over in your relationship, you will find it difficult to keep yourself attracted to the person and live with him or her for a long time. In some or the other this would decrease down your interests and desires, or your partner might decrease down his or her interest or desire with you. It is not that there’s something wrong with you, but the only issue is that you lack compatibility. Lack of compatibility often leads to misunderstandings and this can result in frustrations and anger, and both of the partners might try to hurt each other in some or the other way. Being compatible in a relationship helps you to get along with your partner in a natural way and can make your life a heavenly bliss. All human beings crave for and certainly need social contacts. Relationships are very important to humans, whatever age, whatever nationality, whichever sex. Without relationships, life is empty, boring and lonely. With, relationships, lives are fun, fulfilling and sometimes stressful. Relationships are rewarding, but a struggle too, hence giving many headaches to a person.

Get to know the routine of your partner on what is his/her living style and how does he/she manage his or her work. This would give you an idea about whether you can adjust with the life style of your

Relationships however, change and develop over time. For example, relationships with parents change, moving towards more equality as we grow

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and become more independent. We start to develop interests outside the family and build closer relationships with our peers. Relationships vary between different people and different groups. Those who are in positions of authority expect us to obey them, and we expect them to know what they’re talking about, so typically we do as they say. Friends expect us to offer support, encouragement and fun, which is what we expect from them. And we need to develop skills if we are to maintain happy, healthy and rewarding relationships.

Communication within relationships is also an important factor. If we don’t communicate well the relationship will suffer. We can discuss issues, raise conflicts (assertively, not aggressively), negotiate and can also make decisions. Thus, we have seen how relationship is a medium through which they allow us to flourish. It involves an emotional connection with each other and can animate us. Hence, it is important to take a good deep look at the relationships in your life and pay a little more attention to nurturing after, which you will feel a lot better if you did so and the relationship can only grow stronger for the effort you put into it.

The pace of life today is such that often relationships are given a low priority in our list of things to be attended to. It is important is that your relationships are built on strong ground, since become for you a strong social support and will play an important role in helping you lead a healthy stress-free life. Relationship is a human being’s feeling or sense of emotional bonding with another. Our relationships are also a fundamental source of learning. The quality of the relationship deeply influences the hopefulness required to remain curious and open to new experiences, and the capacity to see connections and discover meanings. We feel "related" when we feel at one with another (person or object) in some heartfelt way. 91

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WHAT IS BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSIP If a marriage breaks up or two people in a romantic relationship break up, their marriage or their relationship ends.

to increase sales"; "this storm is certainly a change for the worse"; "the neighborhood had undergone few modifications since his last visit years ago" falling out, severance, rupture, rift, breach, break - a personal or social separation (as between opposing factions); "they hoped to avoid a break in relations" break - the occurrence of breaking; "the break in the dam threatened the valley"

BREAKUP The act or an instance of breaking up, as a division, dispersal, or disintegration. The discontinuance of a relationship, as a marriage or a friendship. The cracking and shifting of ice in rivers or harbors during the spring. A loss of control or composure.

Dissolution of any unit, organization, or group of organizations. An antitrust action by the Justice Department may result in the breakup of a large corporation into smaller companies if it is found to be in violation of antitrust laws.

Breakup – is the termination or disintegration of a relationship (between persons or nations) dissolution ending, termination, conclusion - the act of ending something; "the termination of the agreement" splitsville - separation or breakup or divorce; "after 15 years together they are headed for splitsville" invalidation, annulment - (law) a formal termination (of a relationship or a judicial proceeding etc).

A "breakup" is the end of a relationship, while to "break up" is to end the relationship. The termination or disintegration of a relationship (between persons or nations); Coming apart. In detection by radar, the separation of one solid return into a number of individual returns which correspond to the various objects or structure groupings. This separation is contingent upon a number of factors including range, beam width, gain setting, object size and distance between objects. In imagery interpretation, the result of magnification or enlargement which causes the imaged item to lose its identity and the resultant presentation to become a random series of tonal impressions. Also called split-up.

CHAPTER FIVE

WHAT IS A BREAKUP?

Breakup – is the coming apart, separation , detachment alteration, change, modification - an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another; "the change was intended 93

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What does premeditated relationship break up mean? It means that they had it all planned out before they did it! They made sure they knew what they were going to do and say!

time your ex used to call. Perform a cleansing ritual, such as throwing away her yearbook photo or deleting his mushy e-mails. You'll be amazed how much better you'll feel.

SURVIVING A BREAKUP: 7 TESTED TIPS Few things hurt more than being dumped. In fact, most people would rather be body slammed by a wrestler than endure the pain and loneliness of heartbreak in relationship. Though breaking up is depressing, your life's far from over. It's important to see the end of a relationship as the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Here are a few tips on how to let go of your ex and move on with your life.

3. Recognize and Release Your Feelings Breakups can cause a range of unpleasant feelings, from deep sadness to intense anger. It's important to identify what you're feeling, acknowledge that it hurts, and then let it go. If you're struggling with the "letting go" part, try writing what you feel on a piece of paper, then ripping it up. When you're feeling really awful, taking a nap or going for a walk can help ease the pain and break the cycle of negative thoughts. In general, try to get your demons out in a constructive way, such as sports, music, art or journaling. It's also OK to cry, scream and complain about how bad you feel. Find a secluded place to get out the nastiest feelings, then seek out friends and family to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

1. Be Nice To Yourself Breakups happen to the best of us. Actually, they're a normal part of being a teenager. It's important to cut yourself some slack when you're feeling vulnerable and rejected. Let yourself mourn the loss, and remember that you don't have to be perfect all of the time or any of the time. Nobody is! 2. Accept Your Single Status Getting over your ex is virtually impossible if you're fantasizing about getting back together. It's important to learn how to be happy as a single person before you start to date again. Being single gives you the freedom to do what you want, when you want. Watch a cheesy movie you would never admit to liking. Switch off your cell phone at the

4. Remember Your Ex's Flaws It's easy to get teary-eyed thinking about his adorable brown eyes or her cute way of answering the phone. But what about your ex's not-so-great qualities? Remind yourself just how annoying, boring or insensitive your ex could be, and you'll be on your way to recovery.

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5. Resist the Urge To Contact Him or Her One of the worst parts of a breakup is the loneliness. Use all the willpower you've got to resist calling your ex when you're feeling lonely and sad. Though your ex may have been a source of comfort in the past, calling him or her for an ego boost will only make it harder for you to move on. Look for new sources of support among friends, family members, counselors and online support groups. 6. Get a New Hobby Without a boyfriend or girlfriend to entertain, you have a lot of freedom to try new things. Indulge yourself in some activities that didn't interest your ex, whether it's hockey, ballet or football watching. Take a photography class, start writing poetry or join a club that interests you. You'll meet new people and feel good about yourself, which will attract both friends and admirers. 7.

Don't Obsess About What Went Wrong

Many breakups don't have a specific cause. They tend to happen when two people have been growing apart for a while. This isn't to say you shouldn't reflect on what you could have done differently in the relationship, but it's not helpful to dwell on the whys and wherefores. Instead of focusing on the past, live in the moment and begin to dream about the future. You'll find a boyfriend or girlfriend who's at least as great as the last one and perhaps a better match. Who knows? That special someone could be right around the corner.

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CHAPTER SIX

TYPES OF A BREAKUP 7 TYPES OF BREAKUPS RANKED BY RECOVERY TIME Which element of a breakup dictates recovery time more: the type of breakup, or the person you broke up with? My theory is the type of breakup you experience determines how long it takes to get over it more than the actual person. Here are 7 different types of breakups ranked by shortest recovery time to longest recovery time: 7. The Mutual Breakup This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have, like when the entire family agrees it's time to pull the plug on grandpa's respirator: he is freed of his misery, and the family feels a sense of relief. I've never had a mutual breakup. I can't catch that lightning in a bottle. But it can't be that tough to recover from a mutual breakup and get back out in the dating scene again. 6. The Circumstantial Breakup A cousin of the mutual breakup, the circumstantial breakup occurs when the environment around you won't permit the relationship to continue: my parents hate you, you're in one town and I'm in 98

another town (or even, you're one city over), I need to be single for a while, etc. Recovery time is shortened because the other person offers an excuse that takes the focus off your weaknesses or unattractive qualities that could have caused a breakup. 5. The Ultimatum Breakup The most common ultimatum leading to a breakup is: "ask me to marry you within the next year of I'm out of here." Other conflicts could cause ultimatums as well: change your religion, get rid of that stupid old car, etc. Ultimatum breakups can be tough to get over because it's annoying that a little compromise could have prevented it. But once it's over, that pressure from the stalemate you reached in the relationship is gone, so it's quite a relief.

4. The Something Someone Said Breakup My friend broke up with his girlfriend he was dating for years, and he mentioned a conversation that occurred shortly before they broke up. They were discussing wedding rings, and she asked how much he'd spend. He simply hasn't studied the "market" so he threw a number out there: "I don't know, $5,000." She scoffed and said: "You should spend no less than $20,000." He told me after she said that, he couldn't think of her the same way anymore. In fact, it put a figurative "X" over her image in his eyes. They eventually broke up, and 99

this conversation was the springboard. This type of breakup is painful because you wish you could take something you said or did back. 3. The I've Been Cheating Whether you find out from them or some other way, it's the ultimate betrayal when they are cheating on you. You can get over it because you dismiss this person as a cheating jerk, but you still feel stupid and you might spend several months envisioning the cheating or trying to regain faith in the opposite gender. 2. The First Love Breakup The First Love breakup is one of the toughest to overcome. Some say you never get over it. This breakup teaches us that the world is a bigger place than we thought. There are more people to meet, there are bills to pay, and there are places to go. Things just can't stay the same as they once were. Mine hit me when I got to college and my girlfriend stayed behind in high school. Eventually, we had to move on. The first love breakup is hurts so much because you've never experienced this feeling of loss and disappointment before. And, it's part of growing up and growing up is usually a painful process.

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1. The Blind Side My friend recently blindsided his ex. After she cried for an hour, he decided he had put in enough time and he left. This is traumatic because it comes out of nowhere. The blind side may have been thinking about it for months, and they conceal their intentions, and then drop the bomb while everything seems to be going well. In fact, the couple may have spent time together the night before, but the blind side did so out of obligation. Blind Sides chip away at your ability to trust. If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going so well, you'll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners. What other types of breakups would you add? What type takes the longest for you to get over and why? Do you agree that the type of breakup dictates recovery time more than the actual person you lost in the breakup? ANOTHER TYPES OF BREAK UPS AND WAYS TO DEAL WITH THEM There are several different types of break ups, and understanding them is vital for protecting your relationship from them, or if it’s too late for that, for dealing with them. Here’s my guide to the different types of break ups, so armed with enough knowledge, you can defend yourself against them…

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1. THE MUTUAL BREAK UP This is where both partners agree mutually to terminate the relationship. It’s usually when all feelings have died or when one partner undergoes a major life change, such as a new job far away and can’t seem to stay in a long distance relationship. This sounds like the least painful break up but most people still feel a sense of loss. Even if you don’t love them anymore, you might still find yourself missing them. Depending on how long you’ve been together, you might find yourself doing things “their way,” and expecting them home at certain times or going to restaurants that the two of you went to etc. Allow yourself time to grieve, and don’t rush to move on. 2. THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP An abusive boyfriend/husband is a definite sign that it’s time to breakup. While this kind of break up is necessary, it often feels even more painful than a normal break up. It can be hard for family and friends to understand why you still miss and probably love someone who has abused you but it’s extremely hard to fight these feelings. You might find yourself wanting to call them or meet up. This is a bad idea, as it gives the person control over you again. Instead, take some time off and mourn for a few days. Then throw yourself into your life, as keeping yourself distracted is a good way to forget how much you miss them. If you were the abusive partner, keep yourself out of relationships for a 102

while and think about what made you act the way you did. Discussing your feelings with a therapist or getting anger management might be a good step and stay out of relationships until you recover. 3. HE LEFT YOU This has the added pain of being a shock, which leaves you no time to prepare. If you’ve been broken up with, write down his number and hide it somewhere out of the way. Then delete it from your phone, so you aren’t tempted to call him. Have one day of mourning, with ice cream and sad films and as much crying as you like and then focus on moving on. Sign up for a new class, have a night with the girls… anything that will distract you and help you to move on. When you are feeling more balanced, you can contact him to ask why if you don’t already know. If the problem is fixable, suggest a meet up, but try not to get your hopes up. If the meeting doesn’t go as planned, it’s time to get over him and move on!

many people regret break ups right after and usually it’s just a phase. But if your phase doesn’t pass, contact him and ask to meet. Explain your reasons for breaking up with him and try to find solutions to the problems. If you manage this, then talk about getting back together. If you can’t find a way to fix the issues, the relationship will just crumble again and cause more heartache. Break ups are hard to deal with even if you were the one to cause it. Remember that you have to give yourself time to heal and overcome but don’t wallow. If you feel seriously sad, or unmotivated, discuss your feelings with a doctor who may be able to recommend medication or a therapist. It’s normal to feel hurt, but most people bounce back fine and even become stronger in the process. Every time a relationship fails, it teaches you something new and you are better prepared to start a new relationship. Do you know another relationship type, or a tip to deal with one? Please let me know!

4. YOU LEFT HIM So you’ve considered it for a long time and finally decided to break up. You told him and felt terrible and now you’ve realized what you’ve let go of. The most important thing is that you know what you want. If you aren’t completely sure, leave him alone while you gather your thoughts. Do you want him back just because you miss having a boyfriend or do you actually miss him? Just remember that

THE TYPES OF BREAKUPS AND HOW TO STOP THEM FAST Psychologists say that having a relationship breakup is very close to having a grief. It's understandable: in both cases you lose someone you loved so much and simply can't let them go, try to hold them, but can't do it - and it by itself causes

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so much pain and depression that sometimes it seems unbearable and unsustainable. But the truth is - you can successfully get over a relationship breakup or release it and live a whole and fulfilled life without your ex partner if you learn the hidden truth that very few people even are aware of. Here you will learn the types of breakups, types of relationships and how to keep yourself psychologically "fit" no matter what happened between you and your significant other. First of all, the relationship breakup is normal thing that happens with all of us at some points of our life. So there is no reason - absolutely! - to think that you're some kind of "odd" person or your relationships are unsalvageable because you've broken up. But of course you need to get over a relationship breakup to experience the wonderful times with your ex partner again, but what I'm trying to say - you don't have to feel guilty or put yourself down, lower your self-esteem because it simply is unfounded. So - here are the types of breakups.

to create more freedom and personal space for you both. So if your breakup is mutual, there is obviously a good level of understanding and care between you at this point. I won't talk much about the solution for this one because my premise it: if you both decided to break up, you can still decide to "give it another shot" later - because there still is a certain level of reasoning, understanding, empathy and affinity between. The relationship breakup was initiated by them. This is obviously the hardest case for you to solve because you still want your relationship to continue whilst they want "more space", "to be just friends" and so on and so forth. Although the solution is not simple, it's still possible to reconcile. For it, stop panicky and hasty actions, quit contacting your ex for 3-4 weeks or so, assess your situation, think about what reasons led to their decision in the first place.

Not every breakup is created equal. Some can be a true torment, while others are truly a relief for you and your partner. So let's categorize them:

Then - work the plan to change the causes, not to "trick" your ex as it will only be a temporarily relief and certainly will not appear to be a steady, solid and reliable long-term solution. When you've worked out the plan, just start consistent action and continue it until you get the result.

This breakup was mutual - you both have made this decision. If so, then probably you both just need it - not as a permanent mean, but as temporary way

You chose to break up. Hands down, no questions asked. If so, this decision will probably make you happier that before but in this case you hardly

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would read this article, would you? Obviously, it doesn't need any sort of solution because it already was a successful solution that you chose yourself. So the type of breakup you're in obviously defines the type of solution. But probably you're in the second type of relationship breakup, so I'll the solution for this type will serve you best to get over a relationship breakup. Good luck! There is > 90% possibility that if you're reading this book, your relationship breakup can be attached to the second group - your partner decided to split up.

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE REASONS AND THE CAUSES FOR BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP TOP REASONS WHY COUPLES BREAK UP If we consider the history of the institution of marriage, all of us would agree that it started at the time of creation itself. Man and woman are different both biologically and in mental makeup. However, the creation would not continue if man and woman do not come together. The physical and emotional needs unite man and woman and marriages take place. Till the beginning of the twentieth century, joint families and lifetime single marriages were quite prevalent. Divorces were few and far in between. However, things started changing as more and more women took up careers and achieved financial independence. The dependence of women on men declined and even small disagreements were magnified to a large extent that they were considered to be impinging on the individuality. Let us consider the top reasons why couples break up. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

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Desire to be independent. Getting attracted to another person. Infidelity. Physical incompatibility. Less attracted to the person in a sexual way. 108

6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

Lack of proper body maintenance, like becoming too fat. Conflict in tastes and desires. Continuous nagging. Comparing the man or woman to others constantly Imparting unsolicited advice all the time Addiction to alcohol or drugs Deterioration in the health of one spouse or suffering from incurable ailments like HIV Physical and mental abuse and exhibiting sadistic tendencies Ignoring or showing disrespect to friends and relatives of one spouse Impotency or inability to bear children. Illiteracy and Ignorance (among all other things)

The above reasons are all chief causes for a marriage breakup. Sometimes, one reason alone might be enough for separation, while in several cases, a combination of a few of them lead to divorce. In this list, getting attracted to another person and infidelity might appear similar, but there is one important difference between them. In the former, the man or the woman might become more interested in another person and might think of leading a life of marriage with that person as a better option to the current life. In this case, the decision for separation from the present spouse could be taken before a physical contact with the 109

other person. On the other hand, infidelity is actual extra-marital relationship, which is a sure marriage breaker in several cases. In certain marriages, when the man and woman become united without a physical relationship before the marriage, the physical incompatibility might become apparent when the marriage is consummated, leading to separation. Similarly, the impotency in man or the inability of the woman to bear a child either immediately after the marriage or after several years could result in a divorce. The reduction in physical desire after a few years had also been a cause for the breakup of the marriage. If the health of the man or the woman deteriorates sharply or if they contract incurable diseases like HIV, the marriage might fail. Even the neglect by a spouse of maintaining the physical fitness and becoming too fat or too weak could break a marriage. Physical and mental abuse is another major reason for divorces. Sadistic tendencies in either spouse that lead to continuous physical or mental torture usually ends in parting of ways. Too much addiction to alcohol or drugs had also led to marriage failures in several cases. Too much nagging by a spouse, and this is usually done more by women than men, had resulted in marriage breakup very often. The other similar reasons are comparing the man or the woman with other 110

persons continuously and hurting the sentiments or creating an inferiority complex could also lead to divorce.

However, an understanding approach and a giveand-take policy would avoid divorces, if both men and women take a more tolerant attitude.

Even imparting unwarranted and unsolicited advice too often is considered as interference in the individuality, leading to disagreements. A joke is there that the psychiatrist charges you for the same advice that the wife gives you free. Too much of anything could spoil even a good relationship. Similarly, conflict in tastes and interests that were ignored during courtship or were considered trivial, assume a bigger shape after marriage and lead to fights. If the man or the woman ignore or show disrespect to the friends and relations of the other, that results in misunderstanding and creates irritation. Slowly, the couple starts drifting apart in such circumstances and finally part ways totally.

8 BAD REASONS TO BREAK UP If you have a reputation as a bit of a heartbreaker, you're probably ending relationships for the wrong reasons.

The financial independence achieved by women had brought in a change in their attitude. They feel that their individuality must be respected and should not be interfered with. Their economic dependence on men is much less or non-existent compared to olden days when women stayed at home. Further, the separate careers result in men and women working in different places, thus increasing not only the physical distance but also the mental distance. This invariably leads to separation. All these causes, either singly or in combination, end up in the couple breaking up. 111

After all, not every bad day has to spell the end and not every problem is insurmountable. Wondering if you're throwing in the towel too soon? Check out 8 bad reasons to break up. For many of us, it’s clear when a relationship has run its course, but far too many folds before they’ve really tried to make it work. Not every bad day has to spell the end and not every problem is insurmountable. But how do you know when you’re giving up too soon? Here are eight terrible reasons to break up with someone… 1) You've Had a Big Fight Having a row with your partner is as inevitable as Thanksgiving with the in-laws. But not only is having a conflict with your partner not a reason to break up, it’s often a reason that you should stay together. Even the most reasonable people disagree with each other, and the way you resolve your differences can help your relationship climb to new levels. So don’t clam up or head for the door at the 112

first sign of a disagreement. Instead, use it as a way to further understand your partner and what makes him or her tick. 2) Your Partner doesn’t like everything you like So your new boyfriend doesn’t want to spend the weekends antiquing or your new girlfriend would rather turn the TV to a channel other than ESPN. That’s perfectly fine – and again, no reason to start searching for a new partner. Differences can be healthy. Having your own things to do can naturally give a relationship the space it requires. As long as you have enough shared interests to remain united as a couple, take a hint from the French – vive la difference! 3) Your Partner Finds Other People Attractive Just because you’ve captured another’s heart, it doesn’t mean that you’ve removed the eyes from that person’s head, too. Even when fully loved up, it’s crazy to think that your partner has gone blind to the attractiveness of others. Physically attractive people are all around us, on TV, in film and even in the local supermarket, so it’s naïve to think that they’ll go unnoticed. There’s even a chance that your loved one will feel that pull of chemistry with someone else, too, so you’d better learn how to manage it. In a good committed relationship, the partners are not cut off to external influences, but they’re mature enough to know that acting on them is a recipe for disaster. 113

4) You Don’t Have Time for a Relationship Yes, we all know how important your career is right now and that the world will collapse without your undivided attention and input. But get your priorities straight. Astronauts have partners, as do scientists, doctors, judges, teachers and even presidents. You’re a very important person, but never too important to enjoy one of the greatest and most important pleasures in life: a loving relationship. So sure, go to the gym, put in some overtime at work, and write a book, save the planet. But understand that having love in your life will make all that seem even more worthwhile. 5) Baggage Has Got you Down We all carry a certain amount of baggage with us, and not just when we go on vacation. But just because you’ve had a bad experience in your past, it doesn’t mean you have to carry it with you forever into your future. Instead, learn from those experiences, use them as a way to make wiser choices and break the pattern. Your new partner is not your old partner, and just because that person treated you badly don’t mean that your new partner will, too. 6) He or She Doesn’t Do as you Say While you and your new love may give each other pet names, one thing your sweetie is not is an actual pet. He or she won’t sit and stay when you want, 114

nor should you want that. While small power struggles are common in all relationships, some people’s need for the ultimate say can destroy the peace. Maybe you’re not happy with your significant other going out with his friends. Or you don’t like it when she voices her opinions. If this is so, it’s your issue, not your partner’s, and it’s not a reason to pull the plug. If you find that it’s a recurring theme for you, maybe it’s time to seek personal therapy and work through your own problems before blaming your partner. 7) You Let Petty Things Get in the Way A lot of people need drama in their lives to feel alive, but the only thing regal about a drama queen is that she can be a royal pain. Like a critic reviewing a movie, it’s easy to pick on what’s wrong with something and make it into something bigger than it is: “OMG, he got me an emerald necklace for my birthday, and he KNOWS I hate green.” “I’m so sick of her tuning the radio to country FM when we’re in her car.” If you have specific issues with something, talk about it, but focus on the positive, like the thoughtfulness of a gift or a simple ride to the airport. Be thankful for the love in your life and for what you are getting out of your relationship, and remember to look at the bigger picture and stop sweating the details.

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8) The Relationship Doesn’t Always Make you Happy Love may be a many splendored thing, but a relationship doesn’t exist JUST to make you happy. It’s not the answer to everything, nor is it an escape from all ills or an elixir to bring a perma-smile to your face. A partner can obviously be a great support in your life, but you’re still responsible for yourself, for accomplishing your individual goals and for keeping yourself entertained. If you’ve abandoned all hobbies and ambitions or dreams because you’re expecting your relationship to fulfill all your needs, you’re doing yourself – and your partner – a disservice, and are piling on far too much pressure. For it to work, YOU have to work, so look inside before casting the blame on someone else. It’ll be good for your relationship – and good for you, too. THE TOP CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP BREAKUPS

When you fall in love, you feel like a million dollars. When you marry your love, you are intoxicated with joy. You never think a break up is possible. You are sure your love and joy are going to last forever. But as the days or months or years pass, you feel something has gone wrong. Your feeling gets stronger and stronger, and before you know it, you break up with your partner and dissolve into tears of misery.

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The breakup of a loving relationship can cause untold pain. However, the thousands of divorces and break ups that are taking place all over the world prove that a break up is one of the sad realities of life. Many times, one wonders which is worse-staying in an unhappy relationship or breaking up. Either way, it is a deep personal loss, a shattering experience that can force you into temporary depression. Why do people break up in spite of the misery it creates? The millions of break up reasons cannot be mentioned. However, some of these reasons are too silly for words or not at all the right reasons for a break up. For example, people break up if they have a tiff, a disagreement, a difference of taste and opinion or find someone else attractive or if their partner doesn't listen to them or make them happy. In such cases, coming to a consensus is a much more pleasant option that breaking up. However, there are situations in which life becomes so painful that a break up is the only way out. Here is a list of top reasons people break up a relationship. Infidelity Infidelity is the top reason for a break up. A cheating partner simply means that something is wrong with the marriage. When you realize that your partner has been cheating, you lose both trust 117

and respect. Any marriage is based on the solid foundations of trust, love, and respect. And a marriage that lacks trust, love, and respect has no option but to break up. Abuse Unfortunately, many people stay in an abusive relationship for years before deciding to break up. If you have ended up with a sadist who enjoys heaping physical and mental abuse on you, it is time to break up. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that your partner will "change" or that you "still love" your partner or that your religion is against it. Lack of Time If you or your partner doesn't have the time to nurture and nourish your relationship of love, you are in for trouble. Several marriages collapse owing to lack of time. Of course, your job is important, but so is your relationship. So save your marriage by giving it the quality time that it deserves. After all, what is life without love? Falling Out of Love Couples fall out of love just as they once fall in love. Over the passage of time, the relationship just turns cold. And if you happen to meet an exciting person at around this time, the marriage is as good as finished. Most couples are of the opinion that it is 118

better to break up than continue with a lifeless relationship that lacks passion and warmth. A break up might be the best thing in case of an abusive relationship; however, in most other cases, it isn't such a great idea at all. Loss of love is the worst thing any man or woman can experience. Trying to save your marriage or your relationship by talking things out or attending couple counseling is much better than making a decision to break up. COMMON CAUSES FOR RELATIONSHIP BREAKUPS In stories and movies, relationships always end happily ever after. The fact is, no matter how strong you are as a couple, at one point, that bond may weaken. Relationship breaks ups occur when either, or both people, are no longer satisfied with their arrangement. As time passes, relationships change. Sometimes, these changes can be the death of a partnership. Here are some of the most common reasons yours could eventually fizzle out:

relationship can fall apart without this trust. One day everything is fine, the next day you look across the breakfast table and wonder if the person you’re looking at is the same person you fell in love with in the first place. Another common cause for relationship breakups are differences. Often, the things we have in common are what bring us together with our partner. While initially it may seem like you and your partner agree on lots of things, it is only a matter of time before differences can rear their ugly head. Suddenly, somebody who seemed like your other half can turn into your exact opposite. All of a sudden, the common bond on which the relationship was built is no longer strong enough to hold the partners together.

Breakups happen for many reasons. Distrust being one of the most common. Healthy love affairs are built on trust. When you commit yourself to somebody, you are placing a large amount of trust in them. You trust your partner to be faithful, to be supportive, and to be empathetic to your needs. Sometimes, either through carelessness or stupidity, that trust can be broken. All too quickly, a

Boredom can be another major factor in relationship breakups. Young relationships are known for their intense feeling and passion – it is difficult to be apart from one another. However, with time, relationships settle down, usually landing in a comfort zone. This comfort zone can be a treacherous place. If you’re not truly in sync with your partner, this comfort level can lead to an unsatisfying relationship. Instead of buying you flowers, he just comes home and sits on the couch. Instead of meeting you for lunch, she goes out with her friends. With the loss of that early excitement, one or both partners may begin seeking that

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excitement from somebody else. This is how boredom can cause tension and ultimately a breakup. Perhaps the ultimate cause for breakups is the loss of love. No matter how well things may seem, you might wake up one day and realize the love you once shared with your partner is gone. Without love, it is almost impossible for things to continue. After all, love is the reason we seek to be in a relationship in the first place. The sad fact is, love, like everything else in nature, is transitory. Love can come, and love can certainly go. When love is gone, there is no reason for a relationship to continue. DEALING WITH BREAKUP - WHAT CAUSES A BREAKUP? People breakup for many different reasons, trying to get into the mind of the opposite sex can be very confusing at the best of times. Are you dealing with breakup? If your partner has told you the reason why they broke up with you in the first place, you often feel that there is more to the story than you're being told. You may even feel that the other person is choosing to lie to you rather than tell you the truth.

not working for me", it's up to you to decode the secret "cipher" to get to the bottom of what actually caused the breakup, so that you can fix it. I'm sure that by now, you know that life is not usually black and white, fortunately there are some things that are pretty much cut and dried. For example if one of you had an affair and the other one found out, that would pretty much kill almost any relationship and be enough reason for the other person to "make like Donald, and 'duck'". Before warned, if that ever happened to you, things had started to go wrong in your relationship long before the affair took place. If your's is a situation where you cannot put your finger on the precise reason for the breakup, then it's time you brushed up on your knowledge of what makes men and women tick.

Deciphering the real reason for the breakup. Let's be honest, if you've been dumped and left with some re-hashed excuse like " I need more, this is just

Why Men Breakup A Relationship. They certainly don't want to hurt your feelings on purpose. (It's not the norm anyhow)You may find that they just can't bear to see your reaction if they told you the truth. Truth be told, sometimes men don't even know why they want the breakup in the first place, but they do. When it comes down to 'brass tacks', no matter which way you look at it, most men will break up a relationship if they find it is not giving them what they require. Men are wired in such a way that they crave to be admired,

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and therefore need to see this admiration and respect being shown to them from the opposite sex. ANOTHER FOUR CAUSES OF BREAKUPS IN RELATIONSHIPS Most women today wonder what went wrong when they suddenly find themselves single again after a long or short term relationship. Here are some of the top reasons why men dump women: 1. Jealousy Have you ever acted sulky after your man went out for a night with his friends? Has he ever had to explain to you who that girl was you saw him talking to? Guys don’t like a jealous woman. They may put up with you for a while, but they will get sick and tired of your attitude and answering your million questions. If you tend to be the jealous type, try your best to keep it under wraps. At the very least, talk openly and honestly with your man about it and never accuse him of anything without having clear proof.

3. Different Values You may be Muslim and he is Christian. Or you want to get married soon and he doesn’t. Whatever the reason may be, the two of you have values that are just too different. When you get over the hurt of being dumped you will realize that he did you a favor. Do you really want to be with someone who holds different values? If you do, expect significant challenges down the road. 4. Secrets Don’t Make Boyfriends You may be a very private person. You don’t want to tell him everything about you just yet. However, be careful that you don’t hold your cards too close to your chest. If you don’t let him in to know the real you, he may hightail it out of there wondering what you have to hide. Now that you know some of the top reasons why men break up with women, examine your past relationships. Is there a pattern? If you realize that you tend to be a jealous girlfriend, work on it and try to be better. Don’t let any of these be reasons why you get broken up with again.

2. Out of Love Some relationships just aren’t meant to be. For whatever reason, he may just not love you anymore or feel that “spark” that is so important for a couple. If this happens to you, make it a learning experience! Now you know what you like and don’t like.

WHY DO COUPLES BREAK UP AND RELATIONSHIPS FAIL? Conflict and stress are part of most love relationships. These reasons couples break up and relationships fail can help you heal and learn to love

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again. Working towards a healthy love relationship is one of the most rewarding and challenging things you’ll ever do! These ten reasons couples break up and relationships fail describe the most common problems couples face.

holidays, and so on, the relationship can become unstable. If a sense of equality doesn’t exist, a failed relationship could be the result. 3.

Acceptance of Stereotypes. Mistaken gender myths include beliefs such as “Men like sex more than women” or “Women are passive” or “Men make more money than women.” If one partner believes these stereotypes, false expectations are created – resulting in higher chances of a failed relationship. An equal balance of power can save your marriage.

4.

Isolation. A common reason couples break up is isolation from friends and family when the couple first gets together. Intimate love relationships based on fear and insecurity (which is why couples isolate themselves) aren’t stable, and exacerbate other problems – which can lead to a relationship breakup.

5.

Lack of self-knowledge. If one or both partners aren’t in tune with their interests, needs, desires, future plans, goals, values, sexual attitudes, and preferences – then it’s difficult for them to engage in a healthy relationship. Selfknowledge helps partners communicate who they are and what they want – which can

These tips will help couples build long-term love, and help broken hearts heal after a relationship breakup. WHY DO COUPLES BREAK UP? 10 COMMON REASONS RELATIONSHIPS FAIL 1.

2.

Failing to keep promises, lying, or cheating. These blatant violations of trust often result in failed relationships. If the basic trust in a love relationship is repeatedly broken, the problems accumulate and the motivation to stay together decreases. Partners in healthy relationships agree to reconcile their differences – and if they keep their promises, the relationship can stay strong. However, consistent lying, cheating, or breaking of promises can explain why relationships end. Imbalance of Power. A common reason couples break up is when one partner has more decision-making power than the other. When one person usually makes the decisions about activities, friends, financial matters, household matters, 125

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prevent the breakup of a romantic relationship. This can be a reason why couples break up, especially if they got together when they were young. 6.

Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of selfconfidence. A common reason couples break up is because one partner feels unworthy of being loved. This insecurity can lead to possessiveness and overdependence, which isn’t healthy for a love relationship. Building self-esteem and self-confidence is one way to avoid relationship failure (but each partner must do this for him or herself).

7.

Excessive Jealousy. “Jealousy is cited as one of the most frequent causes of the breakup of romantic relationships,” writers Roger Hock in Human Sexuality. Delusional jealousy can trigger abuse and violence, which can (and should) be why relationships end. Delusional jealousy isn’t a common problem couples face – but normal jealousy can be.

8.

Ineffective Communication. If both partners can’t share their thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, needs, frustrations, or even their joys, a failed relationship could result. If this was the cause of a breakup, then 127

learning to love again could involve learning how to communicate effectively. This is a common reason for breaking up. 9.

Control Issues. If one partner is trying to control or manipulate the other, the love relationship can become weak – or even dangerous. This reason why relationships end may be seen in different ways, such as checking up on the partner, name-calling, threatening the partner, requiring the partner check in all the time, or not allowing any deviations from the partner’s schedule. This isn’t loving behavior, and it results in failed relationships.

10.

Abuse. This is the most obvious, surefire way to reason why couples break up. Different types of abuse are attempts to gain total control over a partner. Though relationships like this should end immediately, many partners stay for various complicated reasons. Learning to love and trust again can be difficult if this is the reason the relationship ended. Conflict and stress are part of most marriages and love relationships but being aware of the common reasons couples break up can help them work towards a healthy love relationship. 128

WHY DO MARRIAGES AND RELATIONSHIPS BREAKUP? Relationships and what causes them to breakup. There are millions of reasons that relationships breakup, and not all of them are obvious. Having said that, for the purpose of understanding breakups, we don’t need a complete list of every possible reason or cause that can contribute to relationships breaking up. The truth is that we can categorize most relationship breakups into a much smaller list. When we do this, we can see the reasons for the breakup far more clearly, and consequently, fixing a relationship breakup should become that much easier and clearer too. It’s also rare for a relationship breakup to occur for just one single reason, there are usually a few reasons that compound together to finally breakup a relationship, and sometimes there are a whole host of different reasons that bring about the split. For example, falling out of love is an often used reason to breakup, but diminishing love is usually just a symptom. There are other factors that are causing the love to drain from the relationship. If a couple is growing apart, then there is something contributing to this, it’s not the growing apart that is the problem, but whatever is causing it to happen. So let’s have a look at some of the causes of relationship breakups instead of the symptoms that most people blame. 129

RELATIONSHIPS AND TRUST Trust is one of the biggest reasons why relationships end. It becomes a large category that covers everything from actual infidelity to imagined infidelity, but trust is not confined to adultery. Being able to trust your spouse or partner to back you up when you need it. Trusting that whatever is said is actually the truth. Being able to rely on a promise made is also trust, in fact, not just promises, reliability of any kind is a form of trust. Can you be completely relied on by your partner, and can you rely on your partner just as much? A lack of trust destroys relationships, and sadly, the lack of trust is not always justified. If either one of the couple has low self-esteem or a lack of confidence in themselves, then this can lead to distrust of their partner. In this instance, the real reason causing the distrust needs to be addressed, but usually trust is lost in a relationship because of a lack of honesty or an inability to communicate effectively. RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION This brings us to another major reason for relationship breakups, communication. More specifically, a lack of effective communication. This does not mean that you don’t chat a lot, or even discuss things. It simply means that what is 130

being said is not really getting to the bottom of the issues that matter the most. For instance, when one of the couple in a relationship accuses the other of not understanding them, then exactly who’s fault is this lack of understanding? Not getting your needs met? Again, who’s fault is that? Does your partner know what your needs are or how important any particular need is? Likes are just as important to communicate to your partner as dislikes are. Your hopes and dreams for the future, your regrets from the past, it’s important to communicate all that matters to each person in a relationship. If this doesn’t happen than resentment is very often the result. RELATIONSHIPS AND ABUSE Abuse is the next biggest killer of relationships, actually, when abuse exists in a relationship then it ceases to be a relationship simply because abuse is present. But, what exactly constitutes abuse in a relationship? The obvious one is physical abuse, but there are other forms of abuse that have no place in any relationship. Emotional abuse is every bit as common as physical abuse, so also is mental abuse. Emotional abuse is best summed up as guilt. Making someone feel guilty, especially emotional blackmail. This is actually one of the methods that 131

control freaks use and is a particularly nasty form of abuse in a relationship. Mental abuse can be best summed as a form of bullying, but it goes deeper than that and at its worst can rob all the self confidence from the person being abused, it’s another one of a control freaks methods of completely controlling someone. The bottom line to any relationship breakup advice when abuse is involved, is get out, and stay out. There is no compromise, abuse has no place in a relationship. Relationships are about nurturing each other and helping each other to grow, it is not trying to diminish them in any way or to hold them back, and it’s definitely not controlling them. These are the major three reasons that cause relationships to breakup, they not appear to be the reasons at first glance, but when you really dig into all that has happened and try and get to the fundamental problems, then you’ll find that most can fall into at least one of these categories. THE SYSTEM TO FIX YOUR BREAKUP AND GET YOUR EX BACK You need a step-by-step plan that takes you by the hand and shows you what to say and when to say it so that you can fix your broken relationship and win back your lover's heart.

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The Magic of Making up System is one such guide that has helped countless numbers of folks to fix their broken relationships and win back their love...whether boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. In the guide you'll learn how to: Get Instant Relief from break-up pain and depression How to tell that your ex still loves you Are they with someone else now? Find out why rebound relationships almost never work and how you can use it to your benefit to win them back The right and wrong times to apologize - this can make or break the relationship at this point Recapture the romance and rekindle the flame Use the Bonding Secret to your advantage - this is real relationship magic and works like a charm! A quick look of Key Steps to Getting Your Ex Back Understand what really went wrong, so you can start making it right Realize that your situation is not impossible Avoid panic and aggressive behavior that could end your relationship permanently Make repairs so your relationship can be better and stronger than ever Make a plan that will re-ignite the passion 133

The Magic of Making Up Will Give You a Complete Plan For Getting Your Ex Back. LOVE MAKES WOMEN BLIND Very often, women get involved in long-term relationships with men who don't want to settle down and get married. If you do this when you intend to get married, you will almost certainly fail even if you do everything perfectly. It's just like the classic scenario where the farmer does all the required things perfectly, only to lose everything right before the harvest season, because of the wild nature. So when you choose a long-term partner you have to take his nature into account. Some men simply won't settle down until they're old enough to appreciate what a marriage has to offer. That's why you have to be careful who you fall in love with. Here's the key process of deception that takes place when you fall in love with a man: you meet him and he looks, talks and behaves in a way that makes you feel drawn to him. Even though you know very little about him at this point, you fill in the rest of the information with ideals from our own mind. Our imagination has a miraculous property: it fills in the gaps with meanings from our own mind and it completes the picture in a way that maintains the feeling we attached to it when we had only a few pieces of the puzzle. The lonelier you feel and the 134

less experienced you are, the more this process will take place when you meet a man who has certain qualities that you feel attracted to. If you fall in love with a man in this way you're basically doing all the work yourself and you can't know if what you're feeling is real and lasting or just imaginary and temporary. The same thing applies for a man who goes through this process and then he thinks he loves you for real, only to realize a few months/years later that he doesn't. And when you remember that men have even less awareness than women when it comes to these things.

CHAPTER EIGHT

HOW TO GET OVER BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP Breakups can be so rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. The loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache and stress. But if you're looking for some help getting through it and want some suggestions about how to make it a little easier.

So if it's marriage you have in mind, make sure you fall in love with a man who has the potential of wanting the same thing. Otherwise you're doomed to fail from the very start.

1.

THINK THROUGH EVERYTHING THOROUGHLY, BUT NOT OBSESSIVELY. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you

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can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship. 2. DON'T RETHINK YOUR DECISION. If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.

yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil. 4. COPE WITH THE PAIN APPROPRIATELY. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.

3. KEEP YOUR SPACE. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask

5. DEAL WITH THE HATE PHASE. This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.

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There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing. 6. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS. You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. But be wary of friends trying to connect you with another person right now, this is not what you need. 7. WRITE ALL YOUR FEELINGS DOWN. Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't 139

work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be. 8. MAKE A LIST OF REMINDERS. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!" 9.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW. A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will 140

leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.

It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind. 11.

10. REMOVE MEMORY TRIGGERS. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. 141

FIND HAPPINESS IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well. Enjoy being single. 12. STAY ACTIVE. Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with 142

a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step. If you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to motivate yourself to work out: Do something small, right now. Going all the way to the gym, or getting decked out in your jogging gear, or doing whatever it is you feel you should be doing obviously seems like too much work. So just do ten push-ups or jumping jacks. Easy. And usually, it's just enough to get your heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel like a little more exercise wouldn't be so bad... Get halfway there. If you want to go to the gym, but just don't feel like it, at least just drive yourself to gym, and tell yourself that if you still don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds are, though, once you're there, you won't feel like driving home. (But if you do, that's OK too. But you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll just walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if your exercise routine involves much more. Just telling yourself to do one more thing, without having to commit to anything else, will make things much easier. And before long, your endorphins will take over.

relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time. 14. REMIND YOURSELF OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS. Not necessarily ALL negative, but the "turn-offs" of that person. For example, the LESS attractive you find them, the quicker you'll get over them. Your mentality has to strictly be all bad characteristics about this person, WITHOUT sounding hateful, or "hating" on this person. (Ex. his/her hair always had a funny smell to it, he/she never brushed his teeth, he/she never bought anything for my birthday, he/she had the ugliest smile I've ever seen, he/she had the most annoying laugh, ETC). HOW TO GET OVER A BREAKUP AND MAINTAINYOUR ONLINE DIGNITY Ending a relationship is even more difficult when you have to see constant updates from your ex. Take solace with these tips on getting over a breakup while preserving your dignity online.

13. LET GO OF THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your

Step 1 CHOOSE PRIVATE OR PUBLIC Decide how many people in your social network you want to hear about your change in relationship

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status. It may be easier to get over a breakup by eliciting sympathy with a public announcement or by simply laying low. Once you've decided, adjust your privacy settings, and switch your status if necessary. Tip: Consider removing your relationship status from your online profile entirely, rather than changing it to "single." Step 2 CUT ALL TIES Defriend, unfollow, and unlink from any direct online connection to your ex. It might seem severe, but you'll get over a breakup faster without reading about their rebounds or seeing pictures of them loving life when you're feeling down. Step 3 POST WISELY Post positively -- if you and your ex share gossipy online friends, at least make them _think_ you're OK about the breakup. Don't post platitudes or cliche song lyrics. Instead, write updates that describe new developments in your own life. Tip "Finally stopped crying" is not a new development worth posting.

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Step 4 PROTECT YOURSELF Put up online safeguards to protect yourself in moments of weakness. Download applications that keep you from searching for names or sending emails when you're depressed, drunk, or both. Step 5 MOVE ON Over the breakup and ready to move on? Check out online dating sites and your friends' friends and connections for potential flings or partners, and make finding a new love as easy as logging on. Fact: According to a 2010 global poll, 30% of web users think the internet is a good place to meet a romantic partner. A TWO-WEEK GUIDE TO GETTING OVER A BREAKUP You know that slump we all experience after a broken relationship and how people say the best revenge is living well or how there is nothing like getting under someone to get over someone? Well, that is great advice but it isn't always easy to find someone to "get under" and "living well" can be hard to do when in an emotional slump.

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There are certain stages we all have to go through after a break up and, like it or not, that slump is one of those stages. No one wants to wallow in it, especially if the slump is due to some unworthy jerk who really isn't worth it. The truth is though, that sometimes we have to wallow and work our way out of that slump naturally. It's like the grief you felt when your new car got its first scratch or that promotion you wanted went to someone way less qualified than you. The hurt of a broken relationship can be earth shattering. Go ahead and sulk. Rant and rave and throw a few things. Wallow in that slump until you hit rock bottom. When the earth stops shaking and you are able to see a light at the end of the tunnel then you can begin to remember what a fabulous, sexy, exotic creature you are. That is when you can start living well and getting your revenge. Who knows, you might even find someone to get under! What I hope this article will do is help you through that emotional slump and assist you in finding your way back to the land of the living. Use my suggestions and it won't be long before he will be out of mind, as well as out of sight.

make it a good letter. Highlight your attributes and all his negative character flaws. Be sure to tell him how much better life has become and how thankful you are that he had the insight to know you deserved better than him. Keep this letter, don't send it, you will want to check back at the end of your journey and see just how truthful your feelings were at that time of such pain. Day Two; why not make a list of all the things he will miss about you? Your sparkling smile, your quick wit, that deep throaty laugh or the way you loved watching football with the guys. Maybe your oatmeal raison cookies that he used to love so much. Or, how about your sexual prowess and how he really used to make your motor hum. Don't forget all those dinners and movies you paid for and how you would clean his place for him. You know, make it a long list of things he will miss about you today, tomorrow and every day after.

First Thing; buy yourself a journal. A pretty, feminine, decorative journal to keep track daily with your emotional healing. Your first entry on Day one should be the good-bye letter. Be sure to

Day Three; go to Victoria's Secret and drop a wad of cash on some brand new single girl undies. Nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing she looks good "under there." Go through that underwear drawer and get rid of all the undies he loved, especially any that he gave you. If he liked lacy boy panties, buy yourself some white cotton thongs. If he bought you smutty; Frederick's of Hollywood, toss it and buy yourself something tasteful in pink or purple. You get what we are

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doing here? Let's get him out of your drawers, figuratively and literally and make it all about you and what you feel good in, "under there." Day Four; make a list of things you can do this week to help you feel good fast. Things like an all girl weekend, doing nothing but shopping, eating and bashing the guys. Maybe join an online dating service. Create a seductive profile and come home from work every night to an inbox full of ego boosting emails. Take a class and learn how to pole dance. Feel good about being able to take into your next relationship something that fool will never have the pleasure of experiencing. Take a trip to your local sex shop and check out all the new gadgets. Believe me, anything you purchase will more than pay for itself within a week. Day Five; make a list of every argument you two had and why you were right every time. Like the time he wanted to go to his mother's for Mother's Day and you wanted to hit the new, hot club in town. Imagine, choosing his mother over dancing with you!! What a momma's boy!!

Day Seven; buy yourself something frivolous. Something you know he would roll his eyes at and consider a waste of money. Go for that new pair of pink mules, maybe a sapphire toe ring, an expensive new watch, anything just as long as it is over-priced and impulsive. Day Eight; burn yourself a new CD to listen to. Make sure it is filled with songs that empower you, songs that you can move to, find comfort in. Stuff like Lara Fabian's I Will Love Again. There is always the old country classic called Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone. Songs you can belt out in the car or shower, songs that feed your heart and spirit. Day Nine; make a list of all the red flags you missed in the relationship. Stuff like how all of his ex girlfriends were responsible for the breakups. The fool just couldn't take responsibility could he? How about how he was always late for a date but always managed to turn it around and blame it on you somehow. A sure fire passive/aggressive!

Day Six; call all those girlfriends you have neglected during the relationship and catch up on their lives. Be sure to avoid talking about who you aren't seeing, diets, debt or how bad life is. Keep it upbeat and make some fun plans for the future.

Day Ten; go on a bender. If you aren't driving then go for it and tie on a good one. It will temporarily relieve the pain and you can get real creative with the Apple Schnapps and vodka. Better yet, why not cold beer straight out of the bottle since it was his opinion that a real lady would never drink beer from the bottle.

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Day Eleven; find any t-shirts or boxer shorts he might have left behind and tear them into rags. Take the rags, some yarn, buttons and feathers and whip up a voodoo doll. Make it as ugly as possible and give it a good, hard poke every time thoughts of him invade your mind. Day Twelve; Find a quiet place in your home to create an alter for you and you alone to go to so thoughts can be collected and thanks can be given for the chance to start fresh. Grab an old trunk, a small table or even an old shoebox and cover it with a frilly scarf, top it off with candles, photos of yourself and calming scenery, small trinkets like your favorite piece of jewelry. Sit at your alter daily and meditate on what you want your life to be. Use visualization to imagine a full rewarding life without the jerk. Day Thirteen; host a Sex in The City marathon or, even better a sex toy party. Get your girlfriends together and put on a little raunchy attitude. Get in the right frame of mind as far as men go and what they are good for. Take emotions out of the game and work toward learning how to use them and loose them! Day Fourteen; make a list of the top 10 "must haves," of your next boyfriend. Things like financial viability, the ability to slap a noun and a verb 151

together and come up with a sentence, big hands and feet, a vacation home in the islands. It doesn't matter which islands, any old island will do. Just make sure he is worth your time and effort the next time around. I'm sure you are getting the idea aren't you? I will leave you to fill out the rest of your journal on your own. Be sure to be creative and don't ever forget what an exotic, fabulous woman you are and before long you will find yourself back in the swing of things. In no time at all he will not only be out of your life, but out of your heart as well. HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below. Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

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With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person – what can I do?” Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”. I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense. In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different 153

book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more. Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own selfimprovement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person. The Origins of Love and Pain Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends. I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth. Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love. 154

We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as: A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly. Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming. Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group. Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you. During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.) When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

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Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever. The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship. The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers. Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on. 156

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved. Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us. Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us. When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain. A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom “When it comes to love, You need not fall but rather surrender, Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself Before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself Before you can absolutely trust another And most importantly you must accept your flaws Before you can accept the flaws of another.” - Philosophy: Falling in Love

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My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first. In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our selfworth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term. Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely. By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

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CHAPTER NINE

HOW MEN CAN GET OVER BREAKUPS IN A RELATIONSHIP Why does it always seem like women mourn relationships for weeks while men just pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on? Well, it turns out that's not the case after all. In fact, when it comes to breaking up, men get just as bent out of shape as we do. So check out this article from AskMen.com for the secrets of male post-breakup behavior. And while you're at it, use these timetested guy tricks to get over your own heartbreak faster! Your sweetie ended it, that heartless girl. Now your future is in shambles. You feel the need to panic and beg for her back. You'll do anything to make things right. But no matter how you try, you can't get back to that little spot of sunlight where you were so comfortable and safe. There's only one thing left for you to do: Forget her. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but with this blueprint, you'll forget that girl and pick up the pieces of your shattered heart — and manhood — in no time.

definitely don't go out of your way for her. She no longer deserves preferential treatment. 2. Get closure It's essential to definitively end any hopes of reconciliation between the two of you. And if you can't get that into your head, she owes you the courtesy of conveying it crystal clear. She needs to tell you: "I never loved you. I don't love you now. We'll never get back together." After some prodding, she'll probably do it, just to get rid of you. It provides what therapists call "closure." And you can begin to heal. 3. Don't contact her After the relationship reaches finality, you have to break off contact or you will go mad. Don't beg or cry. Don't drunk-dial. Don't write her email. Don't send packages or CDs. Don't dedicate a song to her on the radio. Get the picture? She will find you if she wants to. And even if you can talk your way back into her arms, it's only a temporary reprieve. She already knows you want her back, and she doesn't care. Take that as a sign.

1. Take her off that pedestal Don't idolize her and build her up into something great. Don't gaze lovingly at pictures of her. Don't jump to answer her email or phone calls. And

4. Get negative feelings out on paper Write her a letter pouring out your negative and weepy feelings, then disassociate them from yourself. Throw the letter away or burn it. But definitely don't send it to her. You will only regret

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it. She will show her friends and her new boyfriend. And they will all share a good laugh. 5. Avoid her friends and the places she hangs Don't venture into her territory. You won't be welcome. Find new places to hang out for the first few months, and make new friends if necessary. If any of your friends insist on maintaining contact with her, you may have to shut them out too — at least temporarily. After some time has passed, you should go back to living normally, and that means hanging out at these places and reconnecting with mutual friends. 6. Throw away anything that reminds you of her You don't have to burn it all, but definitely get pictures, gifts, clothing, letters and email out of your living area, or at least out of your line of vision. If that means giving away roughly half of your wardrobe to get rid of the memory of her, so be it. As a rule of thumb, if the object reminds you of your ex, discard it. This can save your sanity. 7. Don't try to get your stuff back Unless it's a diamond ring or something that's one of a kind, you're better off not contacting her to get it back. DVDs, clothes, your extra toothbrush... just let 'em go. They're only possessions. Is it really worth the pain of being in her presence just to reclaim a pair of boxer shorts? Don't exchange your dignity for menial belongings. 161

8. Hang out with your friends Let your buddies give you a reality check on how your ex wasn't all that to begin with, and that there are more fish in the sea. A little male camaraderie can go a long way toward getting your head straight. We've all been detonated by a woman before, and most of us will likely get detonated again. 9. Exercise your newfound freedom Freedom is always intoxicating. There's a world of activities you can partake in that you were never able to enjoy because your "other half" didn't approve. So indulge. Travel. Build a model ship. Go hiking. Play video games on your computer. Watch TV all weekend. Do anything you want. Why not start boxing? Ideally, you want to find an activity that allows you to release your anger and alleviate stress. 10. Remember the bad times If you feel nostalgic, then think of all the times you fought. That should do it. Remember the time she made you wait by the dressing room as she endlessly tried on clothing? Or the time she reminded you not to drink too much in front of your posse? Nobody wants that back.

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11. Sleep with another girl Nothing reminds you that you are a man quite like having a new woman in your bed. So take solace in the arms of another. Call it a rebound if you wish. Plenty of heartbroken guys go this route and for a very good reason — it makes you feel better, even if it's only temporary. So go out there and feel better about yourself! Bonus: Seduce somebody she's jealous of Remember the hairstylist or the hot barmaid your ex scolded you for looking at? Well, now's your chance to make a move that will pay off in more ways than just sex. Just think, if your ex finds out you've been fishing in familiar waters, it will drive her to the point of hysteria. This can be quite gratifying. Banish her from your mind Getting the woman of your past out of your present is a mental and emotional challenge of the first order. However, the tried-and-true guidelines above should have your heart mended in no time. There’s a reason why we all think men are immune to the post-relationship slump—they are really, really good at hiding it.

very in love with Jill (I’ve changed names here to protect the guilty). How in love? Our song was Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we were so crazy in love. (Shut up, it was adorable at the time.) After she broke up with me, I was explaining this to a friend at a bar when I had to grit my teeth and excuse myself. After I got home, I pulled the curtains shut and blared a heavy-metal album. Then I cried. It made me feel better, but only because I knew that my hot, manly, motor-oil tears were witnessed by no one. Fighting Inanimate Objects Guys often try to work through the pain of a broken heart by replacing it with the much more easily endured pain of bloody knuckles. I once had a meathead roommate who, after being ditched by a Keira Knightley look-alike, continually—and noisily—wailed on a punching bag he’d put up in our apartment. I have the soft hands of a writer, so I recovered from one particularly nasty breakup by living inside the game Grand Theft Auto IV for three weeks. I crashed cars and shot anyone who looked at me funny. Weird? Maybe. But it helped me vent chaotic emotions that I didn’t know how to process any other way.

Fighting Back Tears Some men like to say they never cry. Well, here’s the truth: We never let anyone see us crying. I was

Fighting to Win Her Back When a guy realizes he’s let something special slip through his fingers—it generally happens the first Friday night he has no plans—he tries to fix it. He

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fails to see, however, that relationships aren’t broken door hinges. When Nicole dumped me, I was initially proud that I’d taken the news stoically, like a ninja. But then, after a couple of beers on my first lonely night, it dawned on me that I hadn’t put up enough of a fight. After a few more beers, I drunk-dialed her. I begged, I rationalized, I promised to fix the things that were wrong with me and with us—even though I couldn’t really tell her what those things were. When it became clear she wasn’t going to take me back, I told her I had one more question. Her response? No, she would not sleep with me one last time. I was far from over her, but her rejection finally got me thinking about the new chicks I was going to hook up with. GETTING OVER A RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP For a full guide to completely get over your break up and reset your relationship with the person you love, I highly recommend you read this. Our relationships are the connection we have with people and so it often determines how happy or “sweet” our lives are. Just like the great fruit a lemon can be when it compliments other ingredients even when it might not be great with others, so is our relationships filled with the greats, the inevitable negatives, and ultimately despised break up.

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Did you know psychologists concur that having a relationship break up is like going through grief? Contrasting grieving and getting over a break up, you can probably see why. In both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go. By using similar principles to grieving for someone, you can get over a relationship breakup. Break Ups Happen As with death, break ups are a part of relationships and life. Death is inevitable. Break ups are inevitable. Acknowledge relationships end all the time. As simple as that statement appears, do not mistake simplicity for power. Our egos blow personal problems out of perspective causing us to think what is common in the world is unique for us. We think an ending relationship will be the end of our well-being. However, if you talk to a friend about getting over his or her relationship break up, you won’t have this ego problem and you will be able to see from a healthy perspective that break ups happen. You wouldn’t have been able to experience the wonderful feelings you had with your most recent partner if you hadn’t broken up with someone before. The same can be said for your future partner. You won’t be able to experience the wonderful times and emotions with them if you 166

don’t get over your broken relationship. It is as simple as that. TYPES OF BREAK UPS Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger while others can be a complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups: You chose to break up – this type of break up is the easiest and will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision will make you happier than being in the relationship. The other person chose to break up – the hardest type of break up to deal with is the other person deciding to break up with you and is the main focus in this article. Mutual break up – the two of you have talked the process through and concluded splitting up is the best option. The rarest type of break up where each individual often cares how the other person they are leaving feels about the decision. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common. Coming to terms with breaking up and knowing which type it is will initiate you being able to get over your relationship break up. However, it isn’t that clear-cut. You can often undergo a painfully recurrent uncertainty when splitting up where you 167

wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This leads us onto the golden rule of getting over someone. THE GOLDEN RULE OF MOVING ON Having truly realized that break ups happen and more importantly that they will happen to you, it is time to tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself, and internalize the belief, that you want to get over the person you are breaking up with. Why is this important? Let’s put it this way. How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person? It happens too often. What is even worse than being resistant to getting over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is not being aware of the mental tug-o-war game. The internal conflict within yourself will leave you frustrated and not in control of your thoughts and emotions. You’ll be uncertain of getting back together with your old partner while being unwilling to move on and enjoy your life by yourself or with another partner. By wanting both lifestyles you will achieve neither. Commit to a decision. If you have a choice of flying to one of Paris or Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit 168

both cities while not wanting to miss the other, you’ll never make a decision. You’ll miss out on visiting either city. There’s a Russian proverb that says, “If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you will achieve neither and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire. You have to be certain of yourself and know what you want. Don’t destroy the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person. You can ask yourself questions like, “What makes me still attracted to the person?”, “Why can’t I get over him/her?”, and “What do I like about the person?” to develop an understanding of yourself. Discover what is causing you the emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that enough. Ask yourself other questions that help clarify your emotions and thoughts. Clarity will form a direction you will head towards in your life. It will tell you where not to go. It will show you want you want. You will no longer have second thoughts and be uncertain of what you want. By clearly defining a destination you are able to map out a path as to how you will arrive there. Conduct an 169

“investigation” making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve “the crime”. People are unconscious of their emotional awareness in a break up and never know why they are experiencing pain. You will never get a solution if you do not know the problem. To additionally help you overcome this problem, I recommend you check out an article I have written titled “1. Principle of Influence: Commitment and Consistency” and you’ll discover a powerful influence that makes you stay in an unhappy relationship. YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT Maybe you are still uncertain of whether you should break up. There are simple actions you can take to see whether a break up is the better option. Don’t worry about going to university and studying a degree in psychology to have to understand when you are in a bad relationship. There are clues that you are probably already aware of that are hinting your relationship is more like a lemon than lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:

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Are you and the other person feeling the same emotions as you were at the start of your relationship? Do the two of you share the same important values like religious beliefs? How often do you communicate to one another? When you do communicate, what things do you talk about? Do you enjoy being together? Do you perceive being single in a better light than being in a relationship? What causes the two of you to fight? Little things that show hostility or big problems like an affair? Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are you putting yourself through misery in not wanting to hurt the person? Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love? Ask other people what they see and think about your relationship with the person. Take their opinions into account to help you decide what you want. However, don’t base your decision solely on what they think as the most important factor is how you feel. Most women live in bad relationships because they would rather avoid being alone. They see married couples and envy their relationship. The thoughts about getting back together or just finding any guy then start racing through their mind. It isn’t unusual at all for the woman to reason that being in 171

a bad relationship is more desirable than being alone. Some women unknowingly feel comforted in awful relationships. This is a blinding and dangerous process for a woman’s well-being. Are you using the excuse that you’re feeling of “love” is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you think you still “love” the person, ask yourself the many questions above. The questions act as objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your understanding of the situation. Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding… It is not a relationship. It is an emotion. Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that people often fail to distinguish between their different emotions. For example, excitement can be misunderstood as fear. How do you know that it is love you feel? Does your answers to the above questions sound like love to you? What specific events tell you that what you are experience with one person is love? What physical responses do you have which let you know that what you experience with another person isn’t love? Asking yourself these questions will make it crystal clear whether you really do experience love. Even if you are sure you love the other person (remembering to be thinking objectively about this with the questions asked), love alone isn’t a good 172

indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a relationship. It is an emotion. Don’t become intoxicated by affection, attraction, or love. Remember that relationships can be repaired of course so don’t conclude that you should break up just because things are sour at the moment. If you still have a relationship with this person where you can communicate, talk things over with your partner in a safe environment. Though if you are certain the relationship is over, asking these questions will help reinforce your thoughts to fight away “what ifs” and “maybes” that you may have about getting back into the relationship. Though you may know something has ended, you will most likely still need thoughts to reinforce that it has in fact ended. EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE HOLDING YOU BACK

It can be easy to carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the next. Emotional baggage occurs when you carry your emotions from one relationship to another much like you would carry a backpack while traveling from one destination to another. The damage you received from one person, you hold it against the other and prevent a potentially deep interpersonal relationship from starting. You carry it around because you fail to let go or you fear of being hurt again. By protecting yourself, you forgo the risk of being hurt again and miss out on amazing happiness with 173

your partner. People are in relationships all the time where they protect themselves by holding back communication and experiencing full potential emotions. They say things like “I don’t want to get hurt again”, “I’m still hurting”, or “I’m not over it.” They withhold their full emotional selves and communication from the relationship to emotionally protect oneself. By protecting yourself, you forgo the risk of being hurt again and miss out on amazing happiness with your partner. There is no denying that you can get damaged when putting trust in someone or a situation, yet by holding back you are missing out on reaping the joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You do not have to quickly “dive into” the relationship. Few relationships consist of quickly developed deep emotions. You can “dip your toes” into the relationship and gradually but surely fully immerse yourself. Overcome issues like managing stress in a divorce and begin dropping your emotional baggage onto the ground. Doing so will ensure you experience full intimacy that otherwise would not have been achievable by carrying emotional baggage around. LEARN FROM IT I’m a firm believer in that every person can learn a lesson from almost every person and situation. The same goes for experiencing a relationship break up. 174

You can learn vital lessons and experience personal growth instead of personal decay. Your main goal in relationships is finding your perfect partner. One who you can share love, feel connected, and be one. You cannot achieve this by carrying around emotional baggage as described before and not learning from your mistakes. Does it make sense to learn from a break up so you can progress forward finding your ultimate partner instead of the old relationship being a complete waste of time, intense emotions, and energy? Of course it does! However, it is easier said than done. Instead of looking for the positive in breaking up, it can be extremely easy to find the negative to strengthen your negative beliefs and not move on becoming smarter and stronger for future relationships. Little negative things you pick up can snowball into huge problems. This mindset is extremely damaging causing a chain reaction of negative building from the negative until you are fully emotionally unavailable in relationships. What happens here is you become extremely negative and see no positive. You see problems and not opportunities. (EDIT: take a look at all the negativity people are focused on in the comments below. See how people are focused on the problem? You don’t want this.)

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In learning from your experience I recommend you take responsibility for what occurred. In many break ups, each person blames the other. No one person is often mutually agreed upon to have caused the split. There are lots of circumstances where this hasn’t been true, but be honest with yourself and learn from your past mistakes and problems. Take responsibility and do not play the blame game. I can almost guarantee that you did something seriously wrong in the relationship which contributed to the break up. It’s just that maybe you are not aware of what occurred because you lack the knowledge to know what went on. Maybe you didn’t know how attraction works, you didn’t effectively listen to your partner, or you didn’t have the assertive skills to address a problem that was concerning you. Can you now see the powerful role you may have played in the break up? It is important that you know getting over a break up is more than just moving on. It is learning from your past for a better future by accepting responsibility for what occurred. Look at the situation as a learning experience in your journey towards finding your ultimate partner.

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EXPRESS IT Once you’ve recognized the break up is inevitable or has occurred, use the techniques explained earlier in addition to the ones below to get over the break up. There are many things you can do to get over a relationship break up but one of the most important things you can do is to have a support group. If it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. For most girls this will come easy but for guys it’ll be difficult as society makes you think you’re not macho enough if you express your emotions. Girls can communicate to their closest friends and talk to their parents or brothers and sisters provided these support people are willing to listen and help you get through this difficult time. The people closest to you are the ones who care for your well-being and by letting them know you need them to just listen to you about your break up, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you are feeling. Let them know you are only after a listening ear to avoid having them turn into an amateur psychologist by giving you advice. You want a support group or person for expressing yourself and your emotions and not for relationship advice. As for guys, you can use the same principles, but chances are you will not want to talk to your guy friends about the break up. Remember that if it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. You need to have a 177

support group or at least a support person. You will find that accepting your emotions and expressing them will allow you to heal. (If you are a guy, and simply want to get your girlfriend back, there is a good guide here.) HOW TO MOVE ON FROM PAIN At this stage, we’ve clearly defined what you do, and do not, want because a broken relationship can be very confusing. You’ve also learned about love, carrying around emotional baggage, learning from the past, and expressing your pain. If you’re not up to this stage, go back and read the beginnings of this article. Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of rejection which occurs during a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity. This is why the other person breaking up with you can be very painful. Someone punching you in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as being rejected in a break up. Someone punching you in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as being rejected in a break up. The physical pain you experience can be cured by a doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your 178

wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a state of healing so it can heal itself. The pain you experience from the past is irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it. You need to put your mind and body into a state that allows it to heal itself emotionally. One way to achieve this is time, but I’m sure you don’t want to waste ten years of your life living in pain. Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you choose a therapist? It’s up to you. All therapy works for different people in different situations. Even no therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic. Before you do decide on spending thousands of dollars on someone who will listen to your problems, I want you to do this exercise. The exercise I’m about to share with you is powerful because it doesn’t change the content of your experience. Your experience has happened and you can’t change it. What the exercise does change is the process. The exercise changes the attributions you make to the past and future.

how you feel. After you’ve done that, move the image in the opposite direction. Take your time doing the exercise. Gradually make the pleasant image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from you. Again, as the image changes, notice how you feel this time. Once you’ve done that little exercise, how did you feel when the image become brighter and increased in size? How did you feel when the image become smaller, dim, and further from you? Most people experience intense emotions when they see a bright and large image. On the contrary, they also experience little emotion when they see a small, dim, and distant image. You can probably see how this is playing out for you in moving on from pain. If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making pleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling happy!

Think of a pleasant experience you have had in the past or imagine a pleasant experience you would like to have in the future. See the image. As you see the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger, brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the image increase in size. As the image changes, notice

Apply this very concept to your relationships. Your unpleasant images are the break up movies you continually play in your mind, while your pleasant images are whatever you see as pleasurable to you. Shrink the unpleasant images and see the images going away from you. Next, having constructed your beliefs and defining clarity for you pleasant

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image, intensify what you want. Awaken your inner desire by constantly feeling, thinking, seeing, and even touching and smelling what your goal will be like. Imagine yourself with a big smile. Feel the joy within yourself. Think how great it will be to have gotten over your break up. See yourself touching your surroundings. The premise of the law of attraction works by living your present as if it were your desired future. Acting “as if” attracts the thoughts, feelings, and experiences you desire. You will be able to get over your relationship much faster by intensely imagining what your five senses will be like having achieved that goal. Again, I recommend you apply this technique to as many areas of your life as possible. You will greatly increase your success by vividly experiencing what you want. SOURCE OF ENERGY Unfortunately for many people, their relationship with a partner is what exactly determines how happy their life is at the present moment. If their relationship is sour, then so is the individual. It is almost a codependency trap. This neediness eventually deteriorates the relationship and scares away their partner. Many individuals have a mediocre life such that they desperately need a partner. The person isn’t bursting with pure joy and happiness when they’re single and thinks a good 181

relationship is what will make them happy and solve their problems. If a person goes into a relationship like this, he or she will destroy it. If you don’t have a great single life where you wonder how to fit a relationship in, then I question whether you should be in a relationship. You need to become your own source of energy and be in control of your emotions instead of being dependent on others for things like comfort, happiness, and emotional security. This view is the opposite perspective to a time-consuming, miserable, and codependent relationship. You’ve broken up and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make a big change in your life. For you, it could be working harder to get a promotion, exercising, reading self help books, taking a new course, socializing, or going out with friends more. You need to take the action to create a single life where you are happily busy and question whether you want a relationship with someone. I guarantee you that having such a great single life is what will attract a future partner for you. I honestly believe a break up can be one of the greatest things to happen to a person depending on where they are in their life. I say this because you will have poor communication or relationship skills in various areas and improving in them allows you to have more fulfilling future relationships. Like I 182

said earlier, learn from the break up. If splitting up encourages you to undergo a lot of self help, then the changes in your life will be amazing. When life throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not try and divulge the lemon. Instead, look at the lemon from a different perspective and see that you can make lemonade. As with bad relationships, yours and the other person’s emotions seem awful and bitter, but by using these techniques you can now look at a break up from a different perspective and move on with your life continuing your search for that perfect partner.

CHAPTER TEN

HOW WOMEN CAN GET OVER BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP GET OVER HIM: EIGHT TIPS FOR SURVIVING A BREAKUP "I find myself missing him less each day and I find that the days are passing much more quickly. Am I over him? I doubt it, but I'm on the right track."

Whether you were dating for a few months, in a long-term relationship or married, breaking up is hard to do. The good news is that life does get better. Eventually, you will be able to get out of your robe, lose the boxes of Kleenex and watch reruns of Mad About You without breaking down in tears. Many of our members know exactly how you feel right now. Read their tips on getting over him and getting on with your life. 1. Get it all out "Cry, scream and feel sorry for yourself. Wallow in self-pity. However, one day while you are wallowing you will suddenly say, 'Hey I don't feel like wallowing anymore today. I feel better.' And the next day you will feel better and each day after that you will feel even better. Soon, something amazing happens, you rediscover your smile and actually laugh at who you were back then.

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Suddenly you are thankful for what the experience taught you." 2. Focus on today Take things one step at a time, one day at a time. If you start looking toward or thinking about next week, next month or next year, you'll feel overwhelmed. Don't look at the broad a picture yet, temporarily limit your view, so to speak." 3. Think positively "If you think you are beaten. You are. If you think you dare not. You don't. Success begins with your own will. It's all in your state of mind. Life's battles are not always won by those who are stronger or faster. Sooner or later the person who wins is the person who thinks he can!" 4. Don't Stay Bitter "Not all women and men are the same. After my divorce, I became extremely bitter and angry. I did not trust anyone, particularly women. I isolated myself from everyone. Hey why not, no contact equals no pain or hurt, right? Let me tell you something, when you isolate yourself, you create an island. But in the end islands sink. Being bitter is normal -- it's simply a stage you are going to go through. But move past it quickly." --larry566

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5. Don't Lose Faith in People "Stick to your guns and try to find joy in every facet of your day and things will get better. It's important not to lose faith in other human beings. Everyone has at least one good quality. Maximize the good and most importantly, be strong!"--seejay89 6. Have No Fear "Don't let your fears cripple you. Most of the time what we fear never comes to pass. Many times our fears are exaggerated. The more we worry, the bigger and the worse the fear or hurdle seems." 7. Do Something New "Slowly get involved in something new; whether it be a new job, volunteer work, a cool class like photography or kayaking or something along those lines. By keeping busy and focusing on making yourself feel good as an independent being, the healing process will be a healthy process." 8. Find some words of wisdom -- and live by them "A great piece was posted here on the Breaking Up is Hard to Do board a while ago. I kept it, and read it every morning when I sit at my desk. The first line is, 'Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb you.' For me, that has worked! Reading a simple little piece someone posted has made such a great impact on how I view it all. It does get better, and within a couple of weeks, the hurt goes away. " 186

TEN WAYS TO GET OVER A BREAKUP OR PAST RELATIONSHIP So many people ask me how to get over a breakup. They want to know how to stop obsessing over the ex-boyfriend or lover and get on with their life. This topic seems to be the most asked question in my work. Here are some easy tips to help you get over the one that broke your heart so that you can move on, date again and find true love. 1. First, take him/her out of your cell phone directory. Each time you pass his/her name when reviewing your contacts you will feel that pang of upset. Why put yourself through such agony? Remove any reminders of him or her in your home, car and workplace. 2. Stop telling your sad story of the breakup. Sure people want to help and give advice, but after a month you should be refraining from talking about your ex. Some talk about their ex as a way to feel close to them. As you disconnect from the pain of the romance, you can more easily move on to a better relationship. 3. Make a list of all his/her bad qualities. Okay, this may sound mean so you do not have to be awful about it. Think about the things you did not have in common. You want to convince your 187

subconscious mind that he/she was not right for you anyway. Our mind tends to over-exaggerate how good things were in the past so this exercise will snap you out of those romantic delusions. 4. No more drive-bys. Stop making excuses to drive past his/her home or work or favorite hangout to see if the car is there or to catch a glimpse of your old flame. This behavior will keep you stuck and also destroy your selfconfidence. 5. Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when you start thinking about your ex or begin to feel sad over the breakup. For example, "I deserve someone that completely loves and adores me." Just like quitting a bad habit, a good positive mantra can be the antidote to redirect your mind into a more fulfilling romantic future. 6. Stop blaming yourself. If you are wondering if there was something you could have done to change your destiny, think again. When someone completely loves you, you are free to make mistakes. If there was enough substance, the person should be fighting to keep you in their life. If not, they are not meant for you.

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7. Start hanging around new people. If your social group is connected with your ex, try to expand your circles outside of that environment. Changing up your life will help you have new positive experiences without the baggage from the past. 8. Build your confidence. The reason he/she broke up with you is not about you. The best way to get over a relationship is to increase your self-love so that you know that you deserve so much more than what you ex had to offer you. Using self-hypnosis is a great way to retrain your mind to love and accept yourself. Embracing your true lovable self will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. 9. Make a list of what you want in a relationship. You may have attracted the last person by default. Setting an intention to consciously attract someone who is a better fit is very powerful. You will find the person you design in your mind may be much different than your ex-love. 10. Visualize yourself happy. Spend at least ten minutes every day visualizing yourself happy in love with someone new. This may not be easy at first and might bring up some tears, but keep practicing this technique. Over time you will find this gives you a sense of inner peace

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and builds hope that you will find the love you truly deserve. ARE YOU BROKEN HEARTED? Do you need to know how to fix a broken heart? ‘How to Get Over a Break Up?’ is the number one question I get asked all the time. If you are suffering from a broken heart and feel like your heartbreak is more painful than you can deal with you’re in the right place. Right now you probably think that no one else could possibly understand the pain you’re in but it’s my hope that you’ll read this page and realise you are not alone. Ways to Deal with a Break Up What can I say? Getting over a broken heart ranks right up there in the list of top 3 most painful relationship experiences. It’s never easy when a significant relationship finally comes to an end. Whatever the reason for the separation – whether you wanted it or not – dealing with the pain of break up after a long-term, committed relationship can turn your world upside down and leave your life in total turmoil. It’s likely to trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings but there are a number of things you can do to get through this difficult time. If you want some practical advice and techniques to help you with how to heal or mend a broken heart you can get access and answers in moments. 190

I recognise that the most difficult time to take action is when you’re heart is broken. Each step is painful and can feel like an immense effort. I know that not everybody is in the fortunate position to get individual coaching so I designed the How to Get Over a Break Up program. This takes you through each step at your own pace with exercises and resources to get you feeling better and mend your broken heart as quickly as possible. If you haven’t done so already download the ‘How to Get Over a Break Up’ FREE Chapter by just filling in your name and email above.

Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same — whether it's the loss of something real or the loss of something you only hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness.

If you've just had a break-up and are feeling down, you're not alone. Just about everyone experiences a break-up at some point, and many then have to deal with heartbreak — a wave of grief, anger, confusion, low self-esteem, and maybe even jealousy all at once.

Here are some tips that might help.

Millions of poems and songs have been written about having a broken heart and wars have even been fought because of heartbreak. What Exactly Is Heartbreak? Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people might have had a romantic relationship that ended before they were ready. Others might have strong feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way. Or maybe a person feels sad or angry when a close friend ends or abandons the friendship. 191

How Can I Deal With How I Feel? Most people will tell you you'll get over it or you'll meet someone else, but when it's happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. If you're experiencing these feelings, there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Let It Out Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they're going through — helps them feel better. That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend or family member. If you feel like someone can't relate to what you're going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to. (OK, we know that sharing feelings can be tough for guys, but you don't necessarily have to tell the football team or your wrestling coach what you're going through. Talk with a friend or family member, a teacher, or counselor. It might make you 192

more comfortable if you find a female family member or friend, like an older sister or a neighbor, to talk to.) Don't be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up can be really tough, and getting some of those raw emotions out can be a big help. We know this is another tough one for guys, but there's no shame in crying now and then. No one has to see you do it — you don't have to start blubbering in class or at soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow at night or in the shower when you're getting ready for the day. WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DEVASTATED AFTER A BREAKUP Most of us have experienced the devastation of a heart-wrenching breakup. Moving on from a hurtful split can be difficult work, but there are steps you can take to make the healing begin. According to Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity, these steps can help the process of healing begin.

eat well, and move. Doing so will get you to the next stage. Use Your Time In bad relationships, we often tend to fall into patterns of trying to fit into the relationship instead of considering what our own purpose might be. Now that you're out of the relationship, use the time to re-identify and reshape who you are. Use your emotional energy to ask some of the big questions: What do you want to be? What do you want to do? If you don't have an answer, think about your dreams and talents from childhood. Those early desires might reawaken something within! Give To Others Do something kind for other people. You might visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless. Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work to do, and a lot of people who you can help.

Ask For Help Now's the time to reach out to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to depend on others when you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk with a friend—just be sure to get out of the house,

Create New Traditions Use this time to get closer to the people you love, especially your children. Even if you need to be sad with them, you can come together to support each other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular movie night or volunteer time) with your family. Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on

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this time and realize that I was changing my life for the better." Educate Yourself Financially A bad breakup affects emotions, but it also affects your finances. Go to the library and read books on managing your money. Feel secure so that you can create a financial future. A Final Word After a bad breakup, it's normal to experience feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it may be time to speak with a counselor, minister, rabbi, or other trusted person. SOME TIPS FOR WOMEN TO GETTING OVER A BREAKUP Getting over a breakup can be difficult, but it does not mean that your world has to fall apart. Whether you initiated the breakup or not you are going to feel some pain. By taking healthy steps toward moving forward, you can get over the past. If you do want to not just get over a breakup, but get your ex back, Remember that it is okay to cry. It’s inevitable that you are going to feel sad and perhaps even angry. Let yourself cry as hard and as long as you need to. Release the emotions; do not 195

repress them. It’s also okay to feel numb, if that truly how you feel. Just tell yourself that it is okay to feel whatever you happen to be feeling. You don’t need to change how you feel; just experience the emotions. Find a creative outlet. Look to art and other media to help you. Music can help you get over a breakup, but many people turn to television, movies, painting and sketching. Keeping a journal is one of the best ways to reflect on a relationship and to move forward. Talk to somebody you trust. Make it clear what you need from this person. If you need a friend to console you, just listen or talk about your ex, that’s completely normal. Surrounding yourself with people you can be honest with is essential to making a healthy recovery. Give yourself a time limit. It’s appropriate to take as much time as you need, but don’t allow yourself to never move on. Some people will say that it should take you half as long of the relationship to get over the breakup, but you shouldn’t listen to what other people say you should do. Do what feels right.

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Look back on the relationship and see both the good and bad. Relationships are complicated and sometimes require analysis so that each person can move on with some new knowledge. Determine the cause of the breakup and decide how you can prevent the same situation from arising in future relationships. It’s also a good idea to recall the bad things that happened in the previous relationship to remind you why you must get over the breakup. It also helps you to determine if it’s the person you miss, or the idea of being in a relationship. Think about the relationship, but don’t obsess over it.

check out books at the library or take your laptop to the local coffee shop. Just go out and do things. You will meet people, get new ideas and realize how much more there is to living besides relationships.

Put an end to the communication, for a while at least. Don’t wait by the phone for your ex to call and don’t even text them right away. Delete your ex’s phone number and block him or her from texting you. If you have Facebook, block them from showing up on your feed. Anything they say has the potential to hurt you. If you do ever reconcile, it should be a while down the road. This is just better for your emotional state. Virtual stalking is actually harmful, and this separation is essential to moving on.

Take a vacation. Go on a trip, either alone or with people you want to spend time with. Go to a theme park or on an overnight road trip. Go somewhere new where you can get a change of scenery.

Go out into the world and do things. The temptation to stay in bed and do nothing all day is going to be very seductive. Don’t give in. Spend time with family and friends, go for a jog, 197

Learn to love yourself. You are going to spend a lot of time with yourself so you might as well learn to accept it. Just because you are done with the relationship does not mean you do not deserve love, but it starts from within. Consider this a way to change things about the way you live. This is especially important, considering that you can die from a broken heart.

Make the decision to have what you want. Set goals, even if they are small at first, and work up to a major goal. It can be difficult to decide that you want to move on to better things but it is also a necessary step to take. Find a healthy way to cope with pain. Don’t let the breakup damage your sense of selfworth. If you need to see a therapist, do it. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself. 198

CHAPTER ELEVEN 1.

TALK ABOUT IT. Guys, we think, have a tendency to shut down and hide their feelings. Don’t do that. Even if it’s only with one or two close friends, tell somebody how you feel. Because you want to get over this, right? That’s the first step in the process. Be grateful for the sympathy that you receive from friends and family, instead of trying to hide your pain or acting like you’re being strong.

2.

DON’T WALLOW. Okay, you can wallow, but like, not too much. You don’t want to turn into Joan Cusack’s Lily Taylor’s character in “Say Anything,” writing tortured songs and poems to Stacy or whatever for forever.

3.

KEEP YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA GAME TIGHT. Don’t torture yourself with her Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. The sooner you unsubscribe from that stuff, the better. Also, I recommend deleting the phone number and/or just keeping it in your email for extra special occasions.

HOW TO MOVE-ON AFTER A RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP ADVICE FOR DUDES ON HOW TO GET OVER A BREAKUP So, the other day I was talking with a dude friend of mine who’s going through a breakup. He and I dated a zillion years ago, and remained good buddies, and we often go to one another when we’re going through current relationship traumas. Breakups are universally terrible, whether you’re a girl, a dude, or something in between. But if my dude friend — and the anonymous crap dude blogger over at XOJane – are any proof, we’re given different messages about how to process our heartbreak. Take the crap dude XOJane blogger, for instance, whose friends seem to be telling him that the best way to get over his ex is to bang a zillion anonymous girls. In sum, the most ideal way to heal your heart is to treat someone else’s like crap. We don’t really abide by that. And we think it’s about time that we help our boyfriends out by offering our own tips and tricks for getting over a breakup. Remember — being a jerk begets more jerkish behavior in the world. And nobody wants that. 199

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If you’re the one doing the dumping, accept that she’s probably going to hate you for a little while. This is unavoidable. Doing nice things for her, or trying to be a “good guy” in her eyes will just confuse the situation and her. It’ll make the breakup messier and more protracted than it needs to be. The more definite and sure-footed you can be in the matter, the better. Trust us, you’re saving both her and you a world of pain. 5.

6.

were both unique to the two people involved and it doesn’t say anything about all women or all relationships. Add to that, hurting another woman isn’t going to hurt your ex, and is actually only a poor reflection on you.

IF YOU’RE THE ONE BREAKING UP WITH HER, DON’T FIXATE ON TRYING TO BE A “NICE GUY.”

REMEMBER: You Can’t Control Her, You Can Only Control You. Try your best not to obsess over what she might be doing, thinking, feeling, etc. because ultimately you are just using your imagination and it’s probably WRONG. Besides, it doesn’t MATTER what she is thinking, feeling, or doing and the sooner you focus on your own feelings, actions, and thoughts, the better. ALSO REMEMBER: Just Because Your Ex Did You Wrong Doesn’t Mean All Women Will Do You Wrong. This is not an excuse to go on some misogynistic, sexist tear. The relationship and the breakup 201

7.

MAYBE CONSIDER THERAPY. Sometimes friends and family can only say so much to help because we’re invested in the outcome — i.e. the desire seeing you happy. That’s why, if you’re having a really tough time, it’s good to talk to someone who is NOT invested, like a therapist.

8.

SEX CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER FOR THE VERY SHORT TERM,

But It Won’t Make You Feel Love. Sex is awesome. But it’s not the same thing as being in a great relationship. And typically the more time you spend seeking out great anonymous sex, the farther away you’ll find yourself from a fulfilling relationship. 9.

USE THIS AS A POINT OF REFLECTION. You always have a choice. You can either grow upwards or fall backwards from this moment. If you let yourself have a break and give yourself a breath of fresh air, you’re less likely to make the same mistakes (or pick the same kind of person) as you did last time. Or, you could always just go to bars and try and 202

10.

pick up any old girl you see, but then you’ll probably be stuck in the same place again six months from now.

advice listed below which are, in my opinion, the 10 best ways for getting over a breakup in a short period of time:

FEELING SHITTY IS PART OF THE PROCESS, BUT IT WILL END. You’re going to feel like this right now and that’s okay. But you won’t feel this way forever, or even for very much longer. So that should give you some hope.

1)

Hope: no recovery from breakups: The main reason people accept the death of loved ones and fail to accept breakups for years is the presence of hope. Your mind will never trigger the recovery process before it makes sure that there is no hope of returning back. To recover faster from breakups kill hope completely by calling the person you broke up with and making sure that this was the end.

2)

The most dangerous phase: People who live on hope of returning back go a step further by always day dreaming about the person they broke up with, by waiting for him to call and wishing that they meet him in the streets by coincidence. In my article ‘the stages of getting over a breakup’ i said that this stage of recovery is called bargaining and that the main reason most people never recover fast from breakups is that they remain in the bargaining stage for months and sometimes years.

WAYS TO GET OVER BREAKUPS QUICKLY I have helped millions of people get over breakups in few days through this book. I know that there are now other people who might be in other side of the world who are desperately searching for quick ways to get over their breakups If you were lucky enough to come across this book then don't forget to share it to help others who want to get over their breakups fast to recover quickly. 10 Ways To Get Over A Break Up Fast I have been studying psychology for 11 years and the hundreds of articles giving inferior and nonsense advice about breakups motivated me to write an article that can really help people get over their breakups faster. If you want to get over someone quickly then please forget about the inferior advice you read such as keep yourself busy, be strong or travel and instead focus on the 10 203

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3)

4)

5)

Fix your beliefs to get over a breakup quickly: The movies you watched, the songs you listened to and the culture you got exposed to made you believe in terms such as "The one" or "The Soul mate" while in fact according to the psychology of love there are hundreds of potential partners out there that you could fall in love with and the reason you aren't meeting any of them is because of the limiting beliefs you acquired from the media. The best and fastest way to get over a breakup is to fix your limiting beliefs by learning more about the psychology of love. Don’t keep yourself busy: If you were Hungry, will keeping yourself busy help you forget about food one day? of course not it will just lead to increased hunger later on. You can't solve a problem, especially if it was a breakup, by acting as if its not there. The right way to get over a breakup quickly is to face the problem and to convince your mind that its over. Avoid forming new limiting beliefs: As soon as most people breakup they start listening to sad songs, watching sad movies and even searching the internet for sad breakup quotes. These stuff can do you nothing but reinforce limiting beliefs such as 205

"He was the one”,"I can’t live without him" and the other bla, bla, that can prevent you from getting over someone fast. 6)

Restore your social life: Many people isolate themselves from their friends as soon as they get into a relationship. They make their relationship partner the center of their world and that's why they feel that they lost the whole world when they breakup with him. As soon as you breakup restore the connections back with your friends and relatives so that you find it easier to get over the breakup fast.

7)

Its ok to cry: Suppressed emotions can turn into depression or can result in many other bad moods. Express your emotions whenever you feel like it without thinking that there is any hope.

8

Avoid the person you broke up with for a while: Don’t visit his Facebook profile, don't try to message him and don't do anything that can make your mind believe that there is hope. The fastest way to get over a breakup is to kill hope completely.

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9)

10)

Burn the pictures, eat the chocolates: Right after breakups many people keep looking at the pictures they had together and this convinces the mind that there is some hope in returning back and that's why those people never recover quickly. Burn the pictures, eat the chocolates and give away the gifts. When you do so your subconscious mind will strongly believe that recovery is the only way left and it will help you recover faster. Get rid of relationship dependency: Many people get into relationships to forget about the pain and the problems in their lives. If you managed to become less dependent on the relationship you will certainly get over breakups faster. Learn how to face life problems instead of escaping to a relationship and your life will be much better.

FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO AFTER A BREAK UP We all know how bitter and confusing romantic break ups can be. Sometimes break ups are welcome. But when they are not, it can most definitely feel like the end of the world. People will always tell you that you'll eventually "get over it." Most people getting out of relationships usually do. Many people give advice on what NOT to do after a 207

break up. Associated Content writer, Stephanie Dray mentions five of them in a recent article. But in order to minimize the drama that goes along with splitting up, there are some things you can and probably should do. 1. Go Away For couples who live together, this is very important. Sharing a common living space can make a clean break seem virtually impossible. There are so many things to consider once two people have decided to divide their lives again. If you find yourself breaking up with your special someone, try going away for a while. It does not have to be a long and engaging vacation. One or two nights in a nearby hotel should do the trick. Do NOT stay with friends or family. No matter how supportive they are, they will more than likely be biased one way or the other because they love you. It's best to find some neutral space to do whatever you need in order to deal with the shock of the separation. You'll need someplace where you will not be surrounded by souvenirs of your relationship. In a quiet and clean hotel room, you can have total privacy to cry, shout, sleep, think, read, or do whatever you need to, to alleviate some of the shock and pain.

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2. Make a Pros/Cons List Get out a sheet of paper and make four columns. Label the columns as follows : Pros, Cons, Pros, Cons. Let the first set of Pros and Cons represent the advantages and disadvantages of being together with your former mate. Do the same for the next two columns. Only these columns will represent being apart. It may sound silly. And if you're feeling exceptionally raw about breaking up, you may find that one or more columns are filled to capacity, while others only have one item. That is just fine. Write down your feelings anyway. Keep the list and continue to go back to it. You may find that over time, some items may move from one side of the list to the other. This is because people often see their mistakes in retrospect. And some things that we thought were good for us, were actually detrimental to the relationship. 3. Treat Yourself Some people rely on pints of Haagen Daaz. Some people grab a few beers with the buddies. And some indulge in a little retail therapy. While these may seem like viable options for soothing the wounds of a nasty split, they are not always the wisest. Pigging out on ice cream feels good temporarily. But eating out of frustration is never a good thing. "Break Up Shopping" may also result in some negative repercussions. The kind of treat that 209

you should give yourself will feel good from the inside out. Try to delight yourself with new experiences. Take a class or attend a seminar. Visit a tourist attraction in your own city that you may never have seen before. The point here is to do something that is healthy and engaging for your mind. Sometimes people put so much energy into their relationships that they rarely make time for themselves. The fragile time after a break up is the perfect opportunity to do just that. 4. Change Your Routine Many couples establish certain routines without even thinking about it. When suddenly, the person that you loved no longer wants to be with you, not only is your ego damaged, but you also feel a loss of control. One way to re-establish control over your life is to change your routine. If you normally work from 8 to 4pm, try changing your schedule so that you include other activities in your workweek. Changing things up a bit will make you feel like you're taking charge of an adverse situation. 5. Therapy When all else fails, there is always the good old therapist. No longer do you have to have stacks of cash in order to get some quality objectivity. The stigma associated with mental health has subsided over the years. Many corporations offer programs (called EAPs) that have been created for the sole 210

purpose of helping their employees deal with difficult life issues. Typically, the employee is offered 3 free sessions with a counselor or therapist listed in a directory (further sessions require payment). Sometimes it simply helps to be completely candid with a stranger who is unbiased to your situation. You can see things that you might not have seen. And a therapist can also help you to regain a sense of balance when things have gone awry. One thing that's true no matter how great or bad a relationship was: Breakups aren't easy. Getting over someone is hard. Actually, it can be quite devastating if we don't take steps to take care of ourselves and minimize the damage. There's no quick fix that heals hearts fast, but there are ways to lessen the heartache. 6. Find a support network. Find someone or something you can lean on as soon as possible. A best friend, favorite family member or even a pet will do. More than likely your emotions (sorrow, grief or anger) are flying high. You need a steady ear that can give you rational and comforting advice (or at least an unconditional purr). Choose a support person that you know is objective most of the time. Don't be afraid to spill your guts or be open about how you feel. Keeping those break up emotions bottled up is 211

never a good thing. Release them to a person who can give you rational and objective advice. 7. Find a favorite. The beginning of a bad breakup is an emergency situation. You need comfort and reassurance from your loss. It's important not to slip into depression. You need something to get you through the times when your support network is not available. Some guys have favorite songs, movies or locations that allow them to escape and heal internally. Your favorite does not have to be happy and upbeat (and be sure it's not a shared favorite of you and your ex), but it should be empowering or allow you to pick up the emotional pieces. Find a positive anger release. Chances are he did something to you or you did something that you regret, so you're angry. Now is a good time to indulge in your favorite hobby: sports, singing, writing, walking, etc. Whatever your release, make sure it's positive and not a depressant like alcohol or drugs. Sing your heart out to numb the pain, but don't use alcohol to do the same. You'll get over the breakup with time. You don't want a bad habit to go along with your bad break up. Let him be. When we break up with someone there is a tendency to be curious about his current life without you. You may also have the urge to get 212

information about him from mutual friends (who always seem to volunteer the unwanted details). This doesn't help the break up or recovery process. You may have mutual friends, but you need space to focus on yourself. Constant reminders of your ex only extends the anguish. This doesn't mean you should isolate yourself or become a hermit, just try and avoid encounters with him or unnecessary information until you get used to life without him. Take steps to heal. This sounds easier than it actually is, but in order to get over a bad break up it's essential you try and move on with your life. It takes time to completely get over someone, but the more you focus on your own life and develop your own friendship base the easier it will be to get over him. Do you have to erase him from your thoughts completely? Of course not, but many guys obsessively think about their ex's and some are driven by the hope that they will get back together. If you get back together, great; but if not you should be prepared to continue moving forward with your life.

yourself for too long and try not to use going out as a means of burying your emotions or overcompensating for your loss. Leave room. Yes, you and your ex had some great times (often times some of the best memories of your life) but it's important to leave room for others to develop a good relationship with you- which will lead to more great memories. It's common for us to compare the new people we in our lives to our ex or to build a wall of safety around our emotions. After all, who wants to be hurt again? And of course, we've learned many lessons from past. A little caution is a good thing, but often times this develops into an emotional shut down. Eventually, no new guy you meet is good enough or as good as. You've placed your ex on a pedestal that no one can reach (most of the time, not even your ex if you looked back on the relationship in detail). There is also a tendency to place new guys in scenarios that you and your ex shared to gage if they would react in similar ways.

Get back into the scene. After you feel like you've taken enough time to gather your thoughts and emotions, don't be afraid to get back into the dating scene, going out or whatever that may be. It's normal to feel the need for "alone time" right after a break up. Try going out and meeting new people when you feel ready. Just be sure not to isolate

These methods almost always result in disaster. No one can ever replace your ex, because he was his own person and the dynamic of your relationship was unique. There may always be a place in your heart for him. Just make sure it's not your entire heart! Leave room to develop better memories or a more fulfilling relationship with someone new.

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Give your new prospects a chance and remember, you can't compare someone you've just met to an ex with whom you've shared many memories.

that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

7 TIPS GETTING OVER A BREAK UP

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by: Talking about it with a friend. Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past. Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better). Writing in a journal (more on this later). Exercise and body movement. Meditating.

1. Letting Go What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home. Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly. If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience). Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust 215

3. Love Yourself The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

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I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering. Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself: Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.

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Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, ”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.” Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience. 4. Love Your Ex-Partner Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart. Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey: 218

“I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.’” “LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.” “The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.” The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful. 5. Give it Time It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds. 219

6. Journal Your Experience Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do: Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears. Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it? 220

7. Read Something Inspirational Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences. Parting Words: Healing from Breakup “Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”

as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth – when you do that, nothing is lost. All is well, and so be it. What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships. Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it. No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are unable to handle it. For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges 221

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among female friends and family members, males tend to rely more heavily on a female partner as a source. The unfortunate result is a bottling of emotions following the end of a meaningful relationship.

CHAPTER TWELVE

THE EFFECTS OF A BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP The severity of the impact of a breakup depends not only on the nature of the relationship, but also on the personality and emotional history of the person in question. However, males and females have dramatically different characteristic responses to this difficult situation. Some typically male responses indicate the effects of a breakup on male behavior and the male psyche. IMMEDIATE DENIAL The pain of a failed relationship often triggers an escapist impulse in men, leading them to seek out a good time and hide their unhappiness, particularly from their new ex. In one survey, 26 percent of men recommended going out and getting drunk with male friends after a breakup as a mechanism. This indicates that one immediate effect of a breakup is an immediate stage of outward denial and an emotional hardening.

THE PROSPECT OF FREEDOM Breakups often have the effect of awakening a renewed excitement in men over the prospect of having new women in their lives. This idealism over future prospects may lead a man to rush into the dating world and eagerly pursue new interests. However, this enthusiasm sometimes leads into a period of frustration and disillusionment, as a man recognizes how much time and effort it will take to be as comfortable with a new partner as he was with the recent ex.

LOSS OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT Research also suggests that many men suffer a loss in emotional well-being when they no longer have a romantic partner with whom to share intimate feelings. In contrast to women, who typically cultivate many outlets for emotional expression

AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES While aggressive and jealous behavior is by no means a universal effect of breakups, some males do respond to this difficult situation by adopting a belligerent attitude. Some psychologists posit that this aggressive role is an adaptive male evolutionary trait that is tempered by modern societal norms, but which may still emerge as a genetic component of a man's nature. In particular, males who still have strong feelings for an ex or harbor hopes of repairing the relationship will exhibit possessive behavior. They may allow jealousy over a woman's new love interest to eclipse

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their normal judgment and lead them into verbal or physical confrontations.

THE EFFECTS OF TEENAGE BREAKUPS When your teenager has been through a breakup, you may notice that she exhibits certain personality changes, some that you should be concerned about, and some that you needn't be. A breakup can be a traumatic event for a teenager. It can leave her feeling undesirable and upset for a long time past the breakup. Do your best to look for the effects of teenage breakup and support your teen through this time in her life. PHYSICAL SIGNS Your teen may not be able to eat immediately following a breakup and may deal with the breakup in other physical ways. It's important to look for any drastic changes in physical appearance or activity, as each teen may take the breakup differently. A girl may change her physical appearance in different ways, either by changing her looks or hair, or by not taking care of her physical appearance as well as she did before. A boy may hit the gym harder than usual, whereas another may stop physical activity altogether. WITHDRAWAL FROM ACTIVITIES A teen that has been through an upsetting breakup may withdrawal from some of the activities that she normally likes to do. She may drop some of her 225

favorite hobbies and lose interest in activities that aren't involved with the breakup. She may spend a lot of time alone in her room or miss events such as dances and activities on purpose. She's probably trying to avoid social situations where her ex would be present. EMBARRASSMENT If your teen has suffered an especially public breakup, he may feel embarrassed about the situation and not want to go to school or socialize with friends who know about it. You'll need to watch this embarrassment carefully, as it may cause him to become more introverted and not want to talk about the situation, which means you'll have a harder time deciphering what he is thinking and feeling following the breakup. DEPRESSION Watch carefully for signs of depression, which would include a combination of the other effects of a teenage breakup; not eating or sleeping, withdrawal from social activities, anger or sadness; or a refusal to talk about it. Depression can follow a breakup when a teenager is already prone to the disease. If you notice signs of depression, you should contact your teen's doctor immediately and perhaps have him talk to a psychologist until the sting of the breakup lessens.

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SOLIDIFIED RELATIONSHIPS Not all of the effects of teenage breakups are negative. With the ending of a relationship can also come a solidifying of your teen's other friendships and family relationships as she leans on them for support following the breakup. She may throw herself into activities with gusto to keep her mind off of the breakup and come out of it as a better, more confident teen.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BREAKUP WHILE IN SCHOOL Breakups are always hard, but being in college can add another level of difficulty to the situation. For starters, there may be a distance issue, which actually may have caused the breakup. Or, perhaps one or both of you have deemed it time to move on, after being exposed to the new world of possibilities that college offers. Regardless of the breakup's cause, college presents the perfect opportunity for effectively dealing with a breakup, precisely because of all of those new possibilities. INSTRUCTIONS 1. Accept that it's over. Sure, you want to hash things out and plead your case, and you may have second thoughts if you're the one breaking it off. But there comes a time when you have to let go, which is the first step to moving on. Needlessly dragging things out 227

will only prolong the pain and delay the healing process. 2.

Find activities to keep yourself busy. You can engage in something that you've always enjoyed, or find something new. Eliminate excessive downtime in your dorm room, where your mind will wander. For example, try getting involved in intramural sports. Not only will you keep yourself busy, you will possibly get yourself in shape.

3.

Surround yourself with good people. There's a fine line to tread, however. On the one hand, you need folks to allow you to get your feelings off of your chest. But at the same time, it shouldn't be a pity party. Too much "he was so bad for you" can take its toll after a while, making it harder to deal with the breakup. Ideally, your social circle should be a perfect balance between supportive and positive.

4.

Find new hangouts on campus. Staying active is good, but everyone needs relaxation time. When you go out to let off some steam, try attending some new venues. This will be beneficial for a variety of reasons. During a breakup and shortly thereafter, the last thing you need is to torment yourself by going to the same places where you and your ex spent 228

time. Plus, it will be refreshing and therapeutic to experience a change of scenery. WHY A RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP AFFECTS YOUR PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL HEALTH Mostly everyone will sometime in his or her life experience a devastating relationship breakup. After all, a relationship breakup is almost the exact thing as losing a loved one to death. Our time with that one special someone comes to an end and it's a no brainier that it can do some serious harm to a person's emotional health. Emotional stress can be just as harmful as physical stress to a human body. The key to a health body is great physical and emotional health. Emotional Stress A relationship breakup affects people in different ways. Emotional stress is usually one of the most common side affects that a person experiences that can take a toll on one's emotional health. A relationship breakup, as discussed earlier is almost like losing a loved one to death. A person's emotional health takes a nose dive when he or she copes with the loss. We handle the relationship breakup very similar to what we would handle a death by going through various stages until we have come to a point where we are over the hurt.

Physical Changes That Can Occur Emotional stress not only affects a person's emotional health but it can affect the person's physical health as well. A relationship breakup can result in drastic weight loss, hair loss, insomnia, and can even raise stress hormones. Emotional stress raises stress hormones which result in changes of a body's immune system, digestive system, cardiac system, and other body functions. Emotional health is important. Emotional health keeps the body content. When emotional stress impacts a person's emotional health due to a relationship breakup, the body suffers as a result. How To Cope When a relationship breakup is greatly affecting an individual's emotional health and the emotional stress is unbearable, the individual should seek treatment from a psychologist or counselor. Psychologists and counselors are trained professionals that can assist an individual with the emotional stress that occurs with a relationship breakup. A psychologist or counselor will help people deal with the relationship breakup by sorting out feelings to help repair a person's emotional health so that they may move on. RELATIONSHIP BREAK-UPS 'HIT MEN HARDEST

On the outside they might put on a brave face, hit the pub and talk even more about football. But a study has found that, contrary to popular belief, 229

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when a relationship is in trouble it is men who suffer the most. Romantic ups and downs apparently have a greater effect on the mental health of young men than women. Although men often present a tougher front, relationship problems were found to have a great impact on their mental health than on women. While women are more likely to display their depression to friends, men are more likely to store up their feelings - with negative health effects including making them more likely to drink alcohol. Professor Robin Simon, who led the study, admitted she was shocked that the results overturned the widespread assumption that women are more vulnerable to the emotional rollercoaster of relationships. 'Surprisingly, we found young men are more reactive to the quality of ongoing relationships,' she said. That means men's mental health is more affected by the harmful stress of a rocky relationship. The researchers also found that men get greater emotional benefits from the positive aspects of an ongoing romance. This contradicts the stereotypical image of stoic men who are unaffected by what happens in their relationships. Professor Simon, of Wake Forest University in the U.S., said the findings could be down to the fact that young men often have few people in whom they confide apart from their romantic partner. Whereas women 231

are more likely to have close relationships with family and friends. Strain in a relationship could also be linked to poor emotional well-being because it threatens young men's sense of identity and feelings of self-worth. Another factor was that men and women express emotional distress in different ways. 'Women express emotional distress with depression, while men express emotional distress with substance problems,' Professor Simon said. The study, in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, was based on a survey of 1,000 unmarried 18- to 23-year-olds in Florida. It was part of a long-term probe into mental health and the transition to adulthood. The researchers also found that while young men are more affected by the quality of a current relationship, young women are more emotionally affected by whether or not they are in a relationship. HOW A ROMANTIC BREAKUP AFFECTS SELFCONCEPT Self-concept is defined as a person's sense of "me." Romantic partners develop shared friends, activities and even overlapping self-concepts. Using three studies, the researchers examined selfconcept changes that can occur after a breakup. They found that individuals have reduced selfconcept clarity after a breakup. This reduced clarity 232

can contribute to emotional distress. The loss of the relationship has multiple psychological consequences, including the tendency for individuals to change the content of their selves and the feeling that their selves are subjectively less clear and even smaller. Finding that there is a prevalence of self-change experienced when a romantic relationship ends provides a testament to the power of loss that impacts one's sense of self. "Not only may couples come to complete each others' sentences, they may actually come to complete each others' selves," write authors Erica B. Slotter, Wendi L. Gardner, and Eli J. Finkel. "When the relationship ends, individuals experience not only pain over the loss of the partner, but also changes in their selves. This research is the first to demonstrate the unique contribution of reduced self-concept clarity to the emotional distress that individuals experience post-breakup."

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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

THE DIFFERENT STEPS AND TIPS TO GET OVER BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP STEPS TO GET OVER A BREAKUP Just a warning: You will cry, a lot. Especially, if you're the one being dumped. Sorry. That's life. Now, let's begin. 1.

Cry. Cry until your face turns tomato red and you can't breathe or you start hyperventilating. Cry until your stomach hurts and you and the supermarket have run out of Kleenex. Get the tears out of your system, as soon as possible. You don't need those repressed feelings to erupt later on the day of your wedding.

2.

Listen to a really good breakup mix. It's a scientific fact that music has therapeutic effects, including lowering your heart rate, reducing pain and relieving stress. Plus, listening to music is a great way to spend your time not talking.

3.

Feel numb. This isn't really a suggestion, but something that I should tell you is inevitable. You'll actually say this to your friends a lot: "I 234

feel numb." Other variations include, "I feel dead," "I don't feel anything anymore," or "I'm broken." It's okay. Feel numb. But realize that deep down, you will feel a swift kick in the ass. I'm just saying. 4.

5.

Talk it out. Your friends will try to console you and be there to listen. Do it. In fact, I'd be surprised if you even have any other conversation topics at the moment, right? Complain, cry again, feel sorry for yourself, be angry, be sad, be whoever and whatever you want. According to UCLAresearchers, even though we may feel like we don't discover any new brilliant insights, verbalizing your feelings still does mitigate sadness and anger. Set a time limit to wallow. This doesn't mean you have 10 minutes to grieve, but you should think about wanting to feel better with your life, which means eventually, moving on with it. Some people calculate the appropriate mourning period as ½ the length of the relationship. It depends on you, so make sure you are comfortable with your decision. Do not change the date, no matter what. Even if you're miserable on that day, you must still commit to making positive changes in your life-think of it as Maury sending you to boot camp. 235

6.

Assess the relationship. If you were victim of a drive-by dumping, as so many of us are, think about the reasons your partner cited for ending the relationship. Do you agree? Are they legitimate? Was he/she blaming you? This is the tough part, where you have to think about--and sadly--acknowledge that your partner wasn't happy. (Were you?)

7.

Try to reconcile (if you want to). This may be a surprising suggestion, since most experts will tell you to cut him or her out (Joey Gladstone style), completely, which means no texts, no wall posts, no tweets, and definitely no late-night stalking. Still, I believe in trying to reconcile--but only once. So make sure you come up with and execute a really good plan. Reconciling means that both of you are going to give the relationship another shot; this does not mean one last sexual tryst or a booty call. In my own experience, 99 percent of the time, reconciling doesn't work. Instead, it leads to more confusion, anger and hurt, which is why you only get one chance to make a fool out of yourself.

8.

Stop staring at the phone. All I do after a breakup is stare at the phone. When I'm not staring at it, I'm throwing it against the wall, because the ex isn't calling. Sometimes I hear 236

my phone ringing and run in a frenzy to pick up, only to find that it is my mom telling me that I should wear a jacket today, because it's cold. What I do to remedy my phone addiction is delete the number and shut off or keep the phone on silent. People always say that they need to keep their phones on, in case of an emergency. What about your mental health and sanity--isn't keeping those in check also an emergency? 9.

End the virtual stalking too. Don't tell me checking your ex's Facebook profile is totally harmless, because it's not. It harms you, especially when you notice that your ex has changed his status from "in a relationship" to "single" in the amount of time it took you to log on the site. Don't delete him as a friend (it's petty and makes him think that you're a mess, which even if you are, you don't want him to know, right?). Instead, just block his profile, so none of his updates show up on your feed. Also, block him on Gchat, iChat, Skype and any other communication network. Talking to someone who doesn't reciprocate your romantic feelings is agonizing, especially when it seems that the ex has moved on before you. So if you contact him or he contacts you, you are only torturing yourself and basically saying that you don't want to feel better. One day, you and your ex may 237

able to become friends again, but not now. Sorry. 10.

Remember the bad times. Think about that time he took the last bite of pizza, even though you were starving. Or recall those shady text messages you found in his phone. And don't forget about that time he threw up all over your bed and made you clean the sheets. Now, think about your future--10 or 20 years from now, imagine yourself in those same awful situations. How does it make you feel? Be thankful that you will never have to experience those moments again.

11.

Go outside. When I'm depressed, the last thing I want to do is exercise. In fact, I hate moving from my bed at all. Still, studies show, that nothing reduces stress as well as Mother Nature does. Walk your pets, go jogging, dig a hole to China. Whatever you do, make sure you're getting fresh air and experiencing some sunlight.

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Go out. Okay. This can be a difficult step, but once you get here, it means that you're ready to return to your normal self. Channel that person you were before you were in a committed relationship. You were cool, attractive, funny and outgoing. Be that person or fake being that person, it really doesn't 238

matter. But you do have to eventually make your way back into society. You're scared. I've been there too. But the really nice thing is, that for the most part, society hasn't changed much. And neither have you. 13.

Love yourself. Just because someone has stopped loving you or doesn't love you enough, it doesn't mean that you are not deserving of finding love. One of my favorite quotes is by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." (It's no wonder why we loved her.) And by loving yourself, I mean being good and kind to your body and your mind. As an acting teacher always used to say, "Don't beat yourself up”.

RELATIONSHIP - TIPS TO SURVIVE AFTER BREAKUP Surviving after a love break-up is tough. Speaking about relationships, relationships connect us in this world with each other. We have many kinds of relationships-parental, sibling, friends, professional and love. We go through many phases in all these relationships. Ups and downs are part of our life and our relationships. Most of us can bear break down in most of the above relationships except 239

those of love. Why? Who will survive a breakdown in romantic relationship and how? Let us find out. I was speaking to somebody who will be breaking up soon. The statement went something like this- I did everything possible to save our relationship. I gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be breaking-up soon. That has already broken my heart. This relationship was made brick by brick over so many years. What all we did not do to make it last? But alas, we are breaking -up. I asked the person- how to you propose to go on in life now? There was no answer except a blank stare. This happens to most of us. The immediate effect of the break-up is pain. The pain goes away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact is high. It is the initial period during which one has to gather all the energy and tolerate the pain. The second effect is bitterness and blame. There is recap of all the arguments and fights and there is a large amount of self-talk about how one was ditched. That is not pleasant. Try the following to overcome this phase. Spend quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Refocus yourself to your career. Make some very exciting plans and meet some intelligent and successful people. Begin talking to them about what 240

you should do to enhance your potential. Find out what can be done best by you and how will you reach the top. Write down all these goals and focus on them.

THE RIGHT WAY TO GET OVER A BREAKUP FAST Try to escape from such a problem by keeping yourself busy, by sleeping for most of the day or by even using drugs and you will only discover that the breakup problem is getting worse. Kill hope, convince your mind that it’s over and get rid of your limiting beliefs and you will discover that you are getting over the breakup faster than expected. I know that one article might not be enough to help you get over the breakup completely and that's why there are links below to many other articles that can help you get over someone fast. 2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website nor it's a boring online encyclopedia but it's a place where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed by psychology and that is presented in a simple and obvious way. If you think that this is some kind of marketing hype then see what other visitors say about 2knowmyself.The book "How to get over someone in few days" was released by 2knowmyself, the book is a 100% guarantee that you will get over anyone else you will be refunded. 241

3 RULES TO GET OVER A BREAKUP The old method of getting over a guy involved nothing more complicated than a tub of ice cream. These days, your tactics have to be tech-savvy. Splitting up sucks. You got dumped, you cut him loose…sometimes it doesn't even matter. Fact is, there's pain and sadness and anger, and that's never going to change. (Sorry.) And these days, getting over a split may be tougher than ever. "Technology is a huge obstacle," says relationship therapist Belisa Vranich, PsyD, coauthor of He's Got Potential. "Facebook and Twitter make it incredibly difficult to move on because you're bombarded with reminders of the guy on a daily, even hourly basis. Plus, texting means keeping up contact is easy and impersonal, causing a lot of confusion and mixed emotions. Unless you take specific actions to address these issues, you're in for a rough time." We asked experts for the updated rules on dealing with the grief and the guy and finally getting your life back on track. RULE 1: Block Him on Facebook Pronto Seeing a tagged photo of your former guy with his arm around some chick is pretty much the last thing you need to add to your freaked-out state of mind during this mourning time. Even if there's nothing as blatantly agony inducing as that, little news-feed updates or minor profile tweaks serve as constant 242

reminders of him that will start to eat away at you. "That period after leaving someone can be very emotional, and you really need a clean break to get your head on straight," says Ilana Gershon, PhD, assistant professor of communications and culture at Indiana University and author of The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting over New Media. "Besides, it's easy to become obsessive and read too much into minor things — like if you see that he's online at 2 a.m., you may jump to the conclusion that he can't sleep because he's thinking about you when he's really just pulling a late night." Assuming the relationship ended on decent terms (meaning, he didn't turn into a complete asshole and cheat or anything like that), defriending him is overly aggressive. After all, in a few months, you may want to be friends or at least look back fondly. Instead, just block him in your privacy settings so his updates don't show up. Later, when you feel better about things, you can unblock him. RULE 2: Watch What You Post Online Once you're kind of done with crying, you usually enter that pissed-off phase. You are angry that it didn't work out and want to show him you can do better or, at least, you've moved on. And technology like Facebook and G-chat facilitates doing that. But don't go there. Putting a G-chat message that says something like "Can't wait for my 243

date tonight!" or tagging a picture of yourself hugging some random cutie at a bar can actually backfire and keep you from truly going forward. "It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that you're getting over him because you're seeing other guys and publicizing how busy and fun your life is now," says Vranich. "But if you're posting your every move with the hope that your ex or one of his buddies sees it, you're really just keeping yourself wrapped up in your old relationship." Look, getting out there and doing stuff is great. But running home so you can update these sites means your motives are misguided. Plus, having those petty posts online will make you feel really crappy in the long run. "Remember that what you're doing can be seen by all your friends and even some strangers," says Gershon. "Do you really want your rebounding to be public fodder?" Obviously, it's unrealistic to stay off socialnetworking sites completely (hello, they're addictive!), but you can control what you post. So take a break from updating your status, tweeting, and G-chatting about anything personal. RULE 3: Whatever You Do, Don't Text Him Eventually, you'll get to the post-split emotion of missing him, which usually happens when you've been broken up for a while. You may start to forget why you went your separate ways or think the 244

reasons you did so no longer seem like a big deal. And those feelings can cause you to make a major mistake. "It used to be that a girl might consider drunk dialing her ex, but doing it took a lot of guts since she'd have to hear his voice and come up with something to say," points out Dean Parker, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship therapist. "But texting? That's emotionally removed, so if you miss him, it's easy to fire off a quick line or two because it doesn't require that much personal investment."

don't want to open the door to more communication. "Obviously, what he texts will determine what you are going to shoot back, but the key is to be friendly without inviting more," says Vranich. Write something like "Nice to hear from you. Really busy right now, so I will have to catch you later." That way, you're nicely letting him know you don't have time for him right now. And then you can focus on moving on.

While it's simple physically to send the text, the emotional ramifications are hard to deal with. "Not only are you breaking down, but he may feel obligated to respond, even if he's not ready, and you'll be upset if his text back isn't enthusiastic," says Vranich. Plus, you'll have the words archived, so you can reread and obsess over it. The time you'll most likely be tempted to text him is when you're tipsy. So take extra precautions: Give your phone to a friend at the beginning of the night. If someone else has your cell, you'll have to ask for it back, which will give you time to reconsider. Or change your ex's name in your phone to Do Not Text. It'll act as a reminder that you really don't want to reach out to him despite what your boozedup feelings are telling you. And if he texts you, it can be just as tough to deal with. You don't want to ignore him, but you also 245

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These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship. Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

COPING WITH A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE IN A RELATIONSHIP It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split, it can turn your whole world upside down and trigger painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time and grow into a stronger, wiser person. HEALING AFTER A DIVORCE OR BREAKUP Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? 247

COPING WITH SEPARATION AND DIVORCE Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening. Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and reenergize. Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to

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get outside help if you need it. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses: Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable) Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses). Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever. TIPS FOR GRIEVING AFTER A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process. 249

Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings. Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones. Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression - Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from 250

depression. Reach out to others for support through the grieving process. Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own. Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do. Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up. Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or 251

volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization. Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward. SELF – CARE TIPS: Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.

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Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you. Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy. Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions. Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings. Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life 253

in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past. LEARNING IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM A DIVORCE OR BREAKUP In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger. In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them. SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF: Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship? Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship? Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way? Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be. Examine your negative feelings as a 254

starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you? You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time. MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise. When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices. PRECAUTIONS TO STOP BREAK UP Break up is a common feature in a relationship. Nobody expects it but it happens in many relationships. In this modern age break up has 255

become so common that maximum relationship is facing it. Though no people wants to face this situation. There are many effects of break up. Sometimes a guy becomes disappointed and sometimes a girl becomes. But In reality in most of this cases girl leaves a guy with a break up letter. There are many causes of breakup of a relationship. The main reason is the real love is being finished. People have forgotten to love anybody from his heart. When the basis of relationship is so weak then the journey is going to be small. Besides these reason there are some another reasons which causes also break up. But main problems are from girl side. No confidence and no control over relationship are also some reasons. Some measures can be taken or some systems can be followed to keep a relationship alive. If a guy can follow these rules then the chance of break up is less. LiKE, Women are such creation who all time searches for better alternatives. when a girl is with a guy then she looks for another guy who is better than present. According to strategy about 40 % girl has left one relationship when she got a top class celebrity. Because girls are fond of power and fame. When they get a more powerful man they become attracted to him. And another important matter is girls wait for their dream man. When a girl does not get her dream man in her boyfriend she becomes frustrated and as a results break up happens. Here 256

the main opportunity is for Guys if they can acquire these qualities then a girl has nothing to want. For the guys to make a relationship must be prepared for the relationship. Acquire those qualities to make a girl attracted to you. This does not mean that you have to be rich and handsome. But Rich is not having a huge wealth and handsome does not mean to be fair or good looking. At the point of rich you will have to rich from your mind and be handsome from your inside. At the matter of rich and powerful you don’t need to say a girl that you are powerful and you have a lot of money. Just behave like it that you are actually powerful. Women want to fall in love with that guy who can protect them so that they can feel secure with him. Use your best qualities before a girl. Make her believed that you are the perfect guy for her. DON’T GIVE A CHANCE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO BREAK UP. When you loves your girlfriend a lot don’t say any time that “I love you so much and never leave me” then “You are the dream girl of my life, I am not so that I deserve you” These languages make a girl more confident than she is. She started to think that she is the girl for you but you are not the right guy for her. Then there comes a chance of break up. If you want to make a successful relationship you must behave like man, like a perfect man.

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Before loving a girl create love with yourself. When you will be confident on yourself then go towards a relationship. Understanding common reasons why relationships end can help you take immediate steps to prevent breakup. Pushing your spouse too hard to change or do things your way is one of the most common reasons for relationship breakups. If you force or manipulate your spouse to change or try to control him / her, it may end up in a breakup. In a relationship, you should not expect your life partner to change fully. The character of a person is not something that can be changed easily. If you repeatedly try to change the way he / she is, it may bring anger and resentment. Setting into a boring routine like saying the same things to your partner or doing the same thing, going to the same place and doing the same things for dates can kill the pleasure in your relationship and lead to breakup. It is quite common that you want to stay within your comfort zone. However, you need to take some simple steps to keep things exciting at least once in a month. You can give little surprises to your partner. This can help you maintain a long lasting relationship. Infidelity is one of the main reasons for divorce among men and women in Australia.

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The risk of relationship breakup is more if one or both of the partners have an affair. Some personality characteristics and behaviors can cause relationship dissolution. If you have drug or alcohol abuse problems, gambling, jealousy issues or mental illness, the chances of your partner and you breaking up increase. Physical and emotional violence are other obvious reasons for breakup and divorce. Often women are the victims of physical and emotional violence. External pressures can also cause relationship breakups. If you have any physical or mental illness, it may increase stress in your relationship and reduce marital satisfaction. Financial problems can also cause breakups. Financial hardships can increase emotional stress, depression and reduce self esteem, causing or exacerbating tensions in the relationship that contribute to breakdown.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

QUOTES ON HOW TO GET OVER BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP It’s time for quotes. This time it’s going to be a collection of some of the most inspiring break up quotes. What is it that is so fascinating about break up quotes anyway? First of all, they help us to realize that we have are not alone out there. People have suffered from broken hearts back through hundreds of years. Thinking that you are alone with your break up is not as absurd as many of you perhaps might think. One of the main characteristics of break up is that we are overcome with overwhelming loneliness. Knowing that other people have had this problem too, and survived, gives you comfort and strength to hang in there. On the other side, it’s always helpful to see another angle. Artists especially seem to have a different view of the world and life, there gift is to enliven the unaware. They help us to understand what we may already know in minds, but the feeling in our heart resist believing.

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So, I’ve compile some major most inspiring break up quotes for you, which not only sound good, but actually make you feel better and more positive about the future if you are going through a break up right now. Here are the quotes (1) (2) (3)

(4)

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” “You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to feel again” “If you really have something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be yours”.

(8)

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if you kills me. I am going to smile”

(9)

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”

(10) “I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was” (11) "If in this lifetime, I won’t get to have you, I'll make sure that if I meet you in my next life I won’t have to think twice on saying that "I waited a lifetime to say I love you..."

(12) "Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult"

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart do not know how to laugh either” “Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometime it’s letting go”.

(13) "If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

(6)

“Relationships are like glass, sometime it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back again”

(7)

“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is”

(15) "I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile."

(5)

(14) "Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

(16) "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart." 261

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(17) “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

(27) "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go."

(18) "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."

(28) "When we live with resentment toward another our hearts close down. Letting go of our resentment frees us from placing blame on them and allows us to look toward our self for peace."

(19) “Giving someone all your love is not an insurance that they will love you back”. (20) “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”. (21) “Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop”. (22) “The hottest love has the coldest end”. (23) “Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there”.

(29) “For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.” (30) “It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye”. (31) “There's this place in me where your finger prints still rest... you're kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo... It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me”. (32) “I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day”.

(24) “Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent!” (25) “You spend so much time making everyone else happy that you fail to realize you are absolutely miserable!!”

(33) “Here's to the men we love, here's to the men that love us... Since the men that we love, aren't the men that love us. Screw the men. Here's to us”.

(26) “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” 263

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(34) “I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile”.

(41) “And I shall find some girl perhaps, and a better one than you, with eyes as wise, but kindlier, and lips as soft, but true, and I daresay she will do”.

(35) “There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright”.

(42) “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again”.

(36) “You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did”.

(43) “A love is just around the corner but... A true love is a million miles away”.

(37) “Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change”.

(44) “At first I was afraid to meet you, then I was afraid to kiss you, then I was afraid to love you, now I'm afraid to lose you”.

(38) “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it”. (39) “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together”. (40) “I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose”.

(45) "God gave us 2 ears to hear, 2 eyes to see, 2 hands to hold. But why did God only give us one heart? Because he wants us to find the other one." (46) "God in heaven, God above please protect someone that I love, sent with a smile, sealed with a kiss.... I love the one who's reading this!" (47) "I'm so blessed, there’s no space in my heart to wish anybody any ill" (48) "When it comes to you, you can have everything!"

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(49) "Be happy when God answers your prayers, but be more thankful when God makes you the answer to someone else" prayer." (50) Love is a path to the heart that knows its own way. It is a great accomplishment for realize that we loved a concept, a picture we had in our minds, rather than the person himself. When we break up, it’s this concept we miss, and what causes the pain is the failure of the same. The minute we realize this, we can kick our Exes from the pedestal. These were some of the best inspiration break up quotes. They teach us about detachment, the necessity to forgive and let go, to live life to the fullest with all its dark sides, acceptance, neurolinguistic programming, mental control and the existence of false pictures. All virtues for overcoming a break up, and or that arduous task. I wish you all the best. Thanks.

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