You Go Down Smooth By Thehomieheda

You Go Down Smooth TheHomieHeda Summary: Clarke's relationship with her ex is....complicated. Or is it? She doesn't want to be with him, she's not interested in rekindling what they had, and yet, a girl's got needs. So when she sends him a text, like she has so many times before, and doesn't receive an answer....she's more than a little frustrated. Showing up at his apartment uninvited wasn't really how she'd seen things going; neither was finding his apartment vacated and up for rent. The biggest surprise, though, comes in the form of a stranger replying from what used to be his number.

Chapter 1: One Last Time Chapter Text “You’ve gotta stop doing this, Clarke!” Raven eyes her from her seat across the booth. “You can’t keep hooking up with him after you broke up. It sends him mixed signals and you know that. How many times has he asked you to get back together, now??” “Rae, I haven’t done it in 3 months.” “Lies. I picked you up outside his place last month after you guys got into it because you told him you didn’t want a relationship, AGAIN.”

Shit, Raven was right. How had she forgotten about that?! “Ok fine. But that was the last time.” Clarke eyed her phone, debating whether or not to make that decision. There was something about Finn. He was comfortable for her. They had been together for what, 3 years and some change? But she had never been in love with him and she knew that. It was the reason why she ended it when she did – why she should have ended it years before. But Finn was comfortable and he was alright in bed and after two horrific fails at one-night stands she had decided that he was also better than catching some 'unable-to-rid-yourself-of-it' something from a total stranger. So she’d played this game. For the past 6 months, she had gone out and gotten wasted, worked herself up a bit, and then sent her ex a text to let him know she was coming over. It had worked out, at first. He was lonely as much as she was, and he was eager to show her what she was missing. But for Clarke, the sex had never been her complaint. It just also wasn’t a selling point, either. “Look, I know you’re going to do it. I’m just saying, at some point, you’ve gotta stop. All it takes is one time – one forgotten condom, one missed pill, one time that he doesn’t pull out and…Preggo your eggo, my friend.”

“Jesus, Raven!” the blonde face-palmed. “Thanks for THAT. You are like the master Twat Swatter, I swear to God.” “I prefer to term Beaver-Dam.” Raven quipped. “But I’ll take the title nonetheless. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go chat that red-head over there up. You headed home?” “Yeah….probably best so I don’t get myself in trouble.” “Alright, well, there’s batteries in the third drawer on the left in the kitchen. All sizes so….whatever rocks your socks.” “Gee…thanks Rae. Thanks for looking out.” Clarke smiled as she scooted out of the booth seat and made her way to the door. She waited until she was outside and about a block down the side walk before she unlocked her phone, scrolled through her contacts to find her ex, and sent the text.

01:05am – Clarke: hey, u still awake? i can be there in 15 if ur down.

30 minutes and still no answer. She wasn’t angry. I mean, not really. If anything she was relieved because it kept her from making the mistake again. But it was a little frustrating. And a little cowardly of him.

01:37am – Clarke: k well u missed ur chance, collins. Next time don’t be such a bitch n txt me back.

***

The week went by and still no reply. Clarke found herself in the same position the following weekend – drunk, horny, and sending out a lifeline hoping for a response.

12:49am – Clarke: goddamnit finn if u don’t respond to this, i will come to ur apartment rite now n personally fuck u up so help me god 12:51am – Clarke: fuck….i need u ;( is that what u wanna fucking hear? does that make u fucking feel better?!

She hadn’t meant to come across so desperate but…..desperate times, eh?

An hour later and she was sitting outside the building where Finn’s apartment used to be, staring up at the window that used to be his, and now had a FOR RENT sign. She didn’t know why it hurt her so bad. She wouldn’t let herself cry about it. She wasn’t that upset. But he hadn’t even said goodbye. He hadn’t even told her he was leaving. She didn’t even know where he would have gone. How had they gotten here? He used to be a part of her day – every day. And now…it had been a month or so since they’d even heard from each other. And he was gone. Not even texting back an-

02:15am – Ex: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you have the wrong number. Or more accurately, perhaps your ‘friend’ (I’m using the term loosely) changed their number. I just got this number 3 weeks ago. If that helps.

Well fuck. FUCK ME!

02:17am – Clarke: thx. sorry for the profanity laced rant. 02:20am – Stranger: Not a problem. Everyone needs a rant, sometimes. And I, personally, don’t think it’s a good rant without a few curses. I thought yours were pretty subtle. Classy, even. 02:22am – Clarke: Ooh, ur a charmer. a liar, but a fucking charming one. I like u. u just earned ur keep. 02:23am – Charming: my keep? 02:24am – Clarke: ur spot. In my contacts. U, stranger, almost got voted off the Island, but flattery will get u everywhere with me. so, enjoy ur stay. 02:25am – Charming: I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Thanks for the hospitality ;)

***

And that was how it started. It wasn’t a constant thing – her texts with this stranger. It was a drunk thing. Usually when she was emotional and vulnerable and wanting to feel anything other than those two things. She’d text the stranger and flirt relentlessly until she or they passed out in the wee hours of the morning. It never continued in the morning. And it never picked back up the next time. It was always a fresh start. 3 months in, things shifted slightly and Clarke found herself texting Charming while she was sober and in the middle of the day, no less. She did enjoy their conversation, and they never made her feel like she was a bother. But they had a set of unspoken rules. •

They didn’t ask for names, ages, locations, or gender (though Clarke was positive Charming was a guy).

• •

Texts only. Pictures, maybe. Kind of like a PenPal. Basic - easy. No calls, no meet-ups, no social media exchanges. Personal views only, no personal details. Everything from favorite foods, to pet preferences, and dream vacations was within limits, but nothing of their day to day lives (friends/family included).

Somewhere around 5 months worth of textual exchanges, Clarke was exceedingly drunk and especially thirsty and she sent out a text that would make even Raven cringe slightly from embarrassment.

03:35am – Clarke: tell me all the dirty things u would do to me if I were there rite now 03:36am – Charming: You would have just gotten a pillow to the face. 03:36am – Clarke: mmmm, foreplay? 03:37am – Charming: Basically ;) Why are you still up? 03:38am – Clarke: just got home and im so worked up i feel like im gonna spontaneously combust. 03:38am - Clarke: too bad ur not here 03:39am – Charming: Pity. I’m sure it would be a lovely mess. 03:41am – Clarke: fuck y are u so charming 03:42am – Charming: That’s your fault. I can assure you I’m not as charming to everyone who wakes me up at 3 A.M. 03:43am – Charming: What’s got you so worked up? 03:45am – Clarke: sparknotes version – 6 long months of sexual frustration 03:46am – Charming: That is a shame. You should really have that seen about. 03:46am – Clarke: volunteering? 03:47am – Charming: If only. 03:49am – Clarke: we can pretend.. 03:49am – Clarke: if u want ;) 03:50am – Charming: And how is that?

Well, shit. Clarke hadn’t thought that far ahead.

Truth be told, she’d never been one for phone sex or sexting. She was more of a ‘private, in person’ kinda gal. But this was the closest she’d come to getting some in months and the alcohol had her feeling good and she figured, what the hell? Right?. So she unbuttoned her pants, unzipped them, and allowed the top of her black lacy underwear to show for a picture. She thought about. It wasn’t a bad picture. It wasn’t even all that explicit – just a bit of a tease. She pushed send.

03:54am – Clarke: [pic22.jpeg] 03:56am – Charming: I think I could really like pretending. 03:57am – Clarke: your move ;) 04:00am – Charming: [pic127.jpeg]

Clarke opened the picture immediately and she was oh, so grateful she did as she was being treated to a glimpse of the bottom half of what appeared to be the most delicious set of abs and a V-cut disappearing under the waistband of a pair of black Calvin Kleins.

Good Lordt, Almighty. Thank you for this blessing, that I am doing my absolute best to receive.

04:02am – Clarke: touché

Alright Griffin, up the ante. It was now or never. If she didn’t have the courage in this moment, she probably never would. The blonde peeled off her jeans and ran her fingers down the front of her underwear. Yeah…..she was pretty sure this pair was ruined anyway.

God, with all this, it’s a fucking wonder I’m not dehydrated. But, those abs, that V. This charming motherfucker.... She snapped a picture of the damp cloth between her thighs and sent it before she could overthink.

04:05am – Clarke: [pic23.jpeg] 04:07am – Charming: Fuck. 04:07am – Clarke: u like that?

Really, Griffin? ‘u like that’?! Thirsty much??

04:10am – Charming: [pic128.jpeg]

Fucking. PARCHED.

She was looking for a worded response… But pictures? This picture in particular? Worth a thousand words. The stranger was wearing a pair of white basketball shorts and from the angle the picture was taken, you could clearly see the tell-tale outline draped over his upper thigh. It made the dampness between her thighs more noticeable, that was certain. Just that simple picture made her gush. And worse, it made her brave. It made her more desperate for satisfaction.

04:15am – Clarke: fuck, ur wayyy too good at this pretending. 04:16am – Charming: You like that? ;)

What the?! He turned her words around on her. Fuck yeah, I like that. But right now, it’s not about like. It’s about need. I NEED THAT.

(( Dialing: Charming ))

The phone dialed and Clarke thought about what she was doing. Why are you calling? What are you expecting? This could end horribly. It rang 3 times and then once more before going to voicemail. It was a generic voicemail – no personal greeting stating the person’s name or featuring their voice for Clarke to think about when she touched herself later. Nothing. Well, hmmmph. That wasn’t really what she was expecting. She was at least hoping they’d pick up. Even if that was as far as it went.

Kinda rude. Leaving a girl hanging like this....I mean....?? She ended the call without leaving a message. What would she have said anyway? ‘Hi, I was really interested in fucking myself silly to the sound of your voice?!’

"Yeah, we're probably the furthest thing from classy, right now," she murmured to herself.

04:25am – Clarke: im sorry. i shouldn’t have tried to call u. i know we don’t cross that line…like ever, so.... 04:26am – Clarke: i don’t blame u for not answering. no hard feelings. im just going to go take a shower. good nite, Charming ;)

***

Things went back to how they were. Neither of them mentioned the previous texts or pictures, though Clarke had saved them to her phone for when she needed a little ‘inspiration’. It was another 2 months before the next attempted phone call. Clarke and Raven had been making drunken prank calls and had hidden Clarke’s caller ID info. They’d called many of their friends and after several seconds of attempting to piss them off they’d busted out into fits of laughter and the gig was up. Raven had excused herself to the bathroom and Clarke let herself scroll through her contacts, looking for their next victim. Her gaze settled on Charming and she thought, what could it hurt?

(( Dialing: Charming ))

It rang twice before someone picked up. “Hello?”

Oh fuck. That’s a girl’s voice. It’s deep and sort of gravelly and she sounds like she was just asleep. Charming has a girlfriend. Or worse, a wife. And you just woke her up. FUCK! Stupid, stupid stupid!

“Hello???”

(( Call ended ))

Well, he wasn’t exactly cheating. I mean, yeah, there was that one time with the pictures. But for all Clarke knew, the girlfriend could have been a recent development. They didn’t talk about that kind of shit so she wouldn’t presume to know whether he was a lying cheating sonofabitch or not. She’d certainly never asked and hadn’t volunteered her own relationship status, either. So, fair point. She decided to let it go. The less you know, the better, Griffin.

***

But subconsciously, she couldn’t let it go. She made it another week before she crossed the next line.

12:48am – Clarke: r u seeing anyone? relationship wise, I mean. 12:55am – Charming: I am not. Why do you ask? 12:57am – Clarke: curiosity 12:59am – Charming: Curiosity killed the cat ;) 01:03am – Clarke: but satisfaction brought him back ;) 01:04am – Charming: Satisfaction? 01:06am – Clarke: u answered. im satisfied. 01:07am – Charming: And are you? Seeing someone, I mean? 01:08am – Clarke: no, i am not. 01:09am – Charming: Well, that’s a shame. 01:11am – Clarke: excuse me? tf is that supposed to mean? 01:12am – Charming: It would have been a lot easier to write this off – to write you off – if you were.

What the fuck does that even mean? Is Charming interested in me? What about the girl on the phone? Had their attempt at casual conversations turned into something more? Were they secretly (or not so secretly) headed in this direction all along? Was Clarke interested in him? She liked talking – well, texting – with him but how does that translate to actually having something?

Are we even considered friends at this point?

01:15am – Clarke: i could say the same for u. 01:16am – Clarke: any particular reason why ur single? recently broken up? too busy with work/school? commitment-phobe? 01:18am – Charming: Ha. I’m a committed hedonist. I believe in pleasure - above all else. 01:20am – Clarke: ahh so u prefer random hook-ups to having a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? 01:21am – Charming: Girlfriend, in case you were asking for my sexual preference. And yes, sex gives me pleasure. Relationships are messy and frustrating, so give me the honeymoon over the marriage any day. 01:25am – Clarke: so different girl each night? Or r u a repeat-offender type? 01:26am – Charming: I have one person I have sex with on a semi-regular basis. My premise is ‘pleasure minus the problems’. That includes STI’s ;)

Well then, that explains the girl, she thought.

01:28am – Clarke: so friends w/ benefits? she doesn’t want anything more? 01:30am – Charming: Just benefits. We’re not friends, really. We don’t hang out; we barely talk. But we know we’re clean and we know how to get each other off. It’s simple. That’s why it works. 01:32am – Clarke: how long? Have u been involved? 01:32am – Charming: 4 years, consistently. 2 or 3 times, casually, before that. We’ve known each other forever; we went through school together. Never really in the same social circles, though. 01:35am – Clarke: i wish i had that. that kind of consistency. 01:36am – Charming: Who’s Finn?

The question made Clarke stop. This was definitely crossing the lines they’d had in place for the entirety of their chats. Yes, she had gotten personal first. But there was something about names that made things (more) REAL.

01:39am – Clarke: more appropriately, who was finn. 01:41am – Clarke: he was my boyfriend, then my ex, then…well then we had 'benefits’. but he left and apparently changed his number which is….how i met u. well, started texting u, anyway. oddly enough, we were never friends either. we met at a party one night. got so drunk he ended up passed out in my bed, fully clothed, as did i. after that he just never left. until I left him. 01:42am – Charming: So you were texting him to fuck you?

Again, the question made Clarke pause.

Yes, that was the intended purpose of the text, she thought. To let Finn know she was coming over and she was expecting him to help her out. But suddenly she felt ashamed of the text. Like Charming was judging her for sending it – judging her for being so desperate.

01:45am – Clarke: ummm how would it make me sound if i said yes? 01:46am – Charming: I don’t know how it’s supposed to make you sound. But I know it makes me wish I’d answered sooner.

Okay, shit. That was slick. Charming was quite the smooth talker (texter?).

01:47am – Clarke: ur entirely too smooth talking to be anything but trouble ;) 01:48am – Charming: I promise, I’m the best kind of trouble.

Holy fuck. S L I P P E R Y. Steady yourself, Griff. You're about to slip-n-slide right int-

01:50am – Clarke: is it horrible to say i would love to find out for myself? 01:51am – Charming: Probably as horrible as me saying I want you to ;)

and THERE it is. Okay, breathe. Remember last time. Remember the girl. He's probably a lying sonofabitch, Clarke. Calm yo tits! Quiet the beast!

01:55am – Clarke: fuck, okay, listen i have to go take a cold shower or something before i seriously cross a line here. 01:56am – Clarke: p.s. ur an asshole for getting me this worked up, AGAIN 01:57am – Clarke: goodnite charming ;) 01:58am – Charming: Goodnight, Prisa. 01:58am - Clarke: ..What? 01:59am - Charming: It means Princess. 01:59am - Clarke: ugh, u slick motherfucker 02:00am - Charming: Dream of me ;) 02:00am – Clarke: fuck u >.< 02:01am – Charming: As you wish :*

Ugh. Yep, definitely gonna need that cold shower.

***

“Umm, who the fuck is ‘Charming’ and why do you have like 6 missed calls from them?” Raven’s voice woke Clarke with a jolt. “What??” “Who the fuck calls 6 times in the middle of the fucking night?” Raven pauses before continuing. “2 times max – 3 times if it’s a booty call. But 6? That’s excessive. Is the dick THAT good, Clarke? Is it really?? Because, I need to know before I call foul on thi-” “Give me that!” Clarke says yanking her phone from Raven’s hand as she sits up in the bed. “No shit. 6 times....?? If I missed out on-" She stopped herself short, there. I swear to all that is good and holy, she mentally chastised herself. Raven shoots her a look as if to say she wants to ask more but she leaves it alone. “Get up, Griffin. We’re going to get lunch with O at the Dropship. It’s Lincoln’s shift and he’s sneaking us free smoothies.”

Clarke stares at her phone for a minute. 6 missed calls? They hadn’t even spoken once. She’d called twice but they’d never actually spoken. Why did he wait until I fell asleep to call?

11:45am – Clarke: sincerely hoping those calls weren’t asking for a booty-call ;( 11:50am – Charming: Actually, no. I need to speak with you. Not right now, but later if you’re available. 11:51am – Clarke: k….cryptic, attention-grabbing. care to elaborate a little? 11:53am – Charming: Not in the slightest. I’ll talk to you later. Just let me know when you’re able. Later this evening sometime. 11:55am – Clarke: did i do something to upset u? ur being….different....with me. 12:00pm – Charming: It’s not anything you did or didn’t do. I’m running late for my flight. I’ll text you this evening.

His flight? Where the fuck is he going? Why did he tell me that? They didn’t share those kinds of details about their lives.

What does he want to talk about? And why did it warrant 6 calls in the most ungodly hours of the morning when I had JUST gone to sleep? He couldn't have told me before sending my ovaries in to overload?

Clarke tried to steady her mind as she got dressed. She made it through lunch with her friends - laughing and carrying on. But the afternoon and early evening seemed to drag on and all she could think about was Charming.

06:37pm – Charming: I apologize for being so abrupt earlier.

Oh my god! Finally! she thought. Okay, pace yourself.

06:39pm – Clarke: its ok. how was ur flight? 06:40pm – Charming: Oh, umm it was okay. 06:41pm – Clarke: that’s good. so u wanted to talk?

06:45pm – Charming: Yes, I’m afraid I need to come clean about something. It’s not that I lied about it before so much as didn’t tell the whole truth, well more like I didn’t volunteer the information, but omission is still a lie to me. 06:46pm – Clarke: ur married? 06:47pm – Charming: What? No. That’s the first place your mind goes to? Really? 06:48pm – Clarke: well......i might need to come clean about something too… 06:49pm – Clarke: i called u... 06:50pm – Charming: I know, I saw the missed call. 06:51pm – Clarke: no i mean i called u, about a week ago, from an unknown number. we were doing prank calls and a girl answered the phone and i panicked. i thought it was ur girlfriend or ur wife. 06:57pm – Charming: Noone answers my phone but me. 07:00pm – Clarke: k, well clearly someone does/did because it was a chick that answered the phone. im not mad or anything. u don’t owe me an explanation. married, dating, or otherwise. 07:02pm – Charming: That was me. I answered the phone. That’s what I wanted to tell you. 07:02pm – Clarke: ….? Catfish??? 07:03pm – Charming: Okay, the short, offensively crude version – I was born with a penis. But everything (else) about my anatomy is female. 07:05pm – Clarke: is this ur way of trying to get around the fact that u told me u weren’t seeing someone and yet i called u out bout a bitch answering ur phone? 07:06pm – Clarke: seriously, lame as fuckk. whatev. i said u didn’t owe me an explanation so quit digging the fucking hole

(( Incoming call: Charming ))

“Just stop,” Clarke started. “I don’t care that you’re…..spoken for or whatever. Not my fucking business. I just enjoyed our conversations, honestly. Like, you could have been honest about it. I wouldn’t have judged you. Everybody needs a casual flirt, I guess. I don’t know. But this lame ass shit abou-“ “Hello to you, too.” The voice interrupted the blonde. That voice. That was the voice she’d heard before. It was less raspy now, much more velvety and awake sounding. But that was THE voice, for sure.

“Uh…Hi. I mean….Hey.” She stuttered trying to figure out how to center herself again. That voice had thrown her off her game and she needed to regain her mental footing. “So listen, I know we don’t really do ‘personal details’ but....” the girl paused, “judging by where things were headed, or where I thought they might have been heading, I felt like it might come up at some point and…God that’s a horrible and completely accidental pun - forget that - anyways…I wanted to just go ahead and address it. Rip the band-aid off, so to speak. I’m not trying to get out of anything. I’ve been honest with you about everything else – it felt like it was time to be honest about this as well. No wife, no girlfriend, just a dick. That’s it.” Clarke was silent. She wasn’t sure what to say. On the one hand, she liked speaking to Charming, but on the other she felt like this was definitely going to fuck with the anonymous aspect of it. Which had sort of been what was holding it together. She hated dead-ends. With Charming, she felt like she was learning new things each time they exchanged texts and it was slow, sure, but it was exciting. Infinitely. Still, this girl’s voice was soothing, sultry even. And all she could do was picture that V and those abs – the basketball shorts – and now in tune with this voice. It was all she knew about Charming. And, it was the most sinful combination.

But who am I kidding? I've never been so ready to burn in hell. “So…..” Clarke finally spoke up, “the basketball shorts……??” She found herself unable to continue the sentence afraid that she would offend the person on the other end of the line. Or maybe it was because her mouth was so dry. Why is my mouth so dry?? “That was me…yes.” There was another pause. “If you’re weirded out, I understand." she continued. "It’s not something I share with people on the regular and that is also why I have only one sexual partner, as we discussed previously. She knows and she’s okay with me. And I don’t have to disclose the information to anyone new and risk….hate crimes or whatever. At the time, with you, the anonymity made me brave I think. I took the pictures without worrying because…I never thought it would really go anywhere or that I’d ever want it to go somewhere. I figured as long as I didn’t show my face or….but, the last time we spoke, well in text, I felt like I might want something more. More than text. More than hiding behind the mask of being nameless, faceless, random…” “So everything else…?” the blonde asked, again not being able to finish her question.

Seriously, Griffin? Wallowing in the gutter, are we? “Everything about me is female. I don’t….well, I don’t really place a gender on my genitals. Actually, I say he...but...what I mean is....I don't really believe that genitals make

the gender. I just think of him as part of 'me'. But I can see where someone would look at my anatomy and see me as a bit of a…frea-” “NO! No, It’s not that,” Clarke interrupted, “it’s not that at all, honestly. I just….for as long as we’ve been texting I’ve had it in my head that you were a guy. Even before the pictures. I didn’t know your name so I just saved you in my phone as ‘Charming’. Your demeanor just came across to me as…masculine, dominating and slick as fuck in some ways and….I pictured you with like, dark brown hair, smooth chocolate eyes, and muscles and…..I’m just trying to re-picture you, now. I’m sorry. If it felt like I was judging you or was freaked out….I’m not. You said that you didn't place a gender on your anatomy. Well, I do the same when it comes to my love-life. I don't let gender or sex influence my feelings for someone. Not that, I mean, feelings......I just like having a picture in my head of the person I’m talking to or communicating with. Even if it’s one of my own creation…” “Lexa.” The voice was soft, so much so she barely heard it. “What?” the blonde asked. “My name. It’s Lexa.”

Chapter 2: Thinking Bout You Chapter Text "Tell me a secret, Clarke." "What kind of secret?" "Anything. Something you wouldn't tell anyone else."

This is how most of their conversations go, now. 4 months since the first phone call and they had traded-in text messages in favor of spoken words and, just like that, 'Charming' had become Lexa. They still didn't delve too deeply into each others lives. They didn't open up about friends or family, they didn't talk about romantic relationships, work, or responsibilities. There was the occasional mention of 'mom' or 'roommate' - an offhanded comment about schedules and flights but those issues were never pressed. It made it easier that way. For Clarke, Lexa was freedom. They told each other secrets, they shared their opinions on subjects like religion, politics, sexuality, etc., but more often than not they were discussing passions of theirs like Art, Music, Literature, and their mutual dislike of organized sports. Lexa had stated once or twice that she was athletic, which Clarke could have deduced by her Greek God physique alone. Clarke couldn't say she'd ever even been motivated enough to step onto a treadmill in an air-conditioned gym, let alone run 3 miles through the park in the heat of the day. But she listened to Lexa talk about how running helped her clear her mind and how, for just a few moments, she could tune-out, let her body go into auto-pilot, and feel herself flying. And that was really all that Clarke needed. Someone with whom the want to converse was mutual. Someone who didn't judge her. And God knows, Lexa would have had

plenty of things to base her judgement on. Still, for Clarke, Lexa was the private confessional that she came to for absolution. It also didn't hurt that Lexa had the ability to flirt her way into Clarke's panties (albeit in Clarke's imagination only) without even really trying. Her voice and her words could go from comforting to commanding in less than 60 seconds - something that was both unnerving and enticing.

"Sometimes I'm really bitter about my friends and their relationships. And also, maybe, their contented acceptance of the lack of one."

God, I shouldn't feel so good about saying that.

"Where do you think that bitterness stems from?" Lexa's voice feels like a warm hand on her back, rubbing gently, coaxing the truth from her. Ready and willing to except the burden on herself. "It's not something I'm proud of, obviously. But subconsciously, I can't help but be jealous or.....I don't know. I have this friend - a very close friend - who has two people in her life. Two of the most beautiful people, inside and out. They are so different from each other and yet they both bring out the best parts of her. And they're so open and transparent about their relationship. There's no jealousy, no games, no competition. I mean, they're not all involved with each other. Not sexually, anyway. They have dinners together, watch movies, and go to festivals and shit - all three of them. They look so happy together. But they're also just as undeniably cute as separate couples, too. I see her with each of them and I think, FUCK. She found two people, both of whom love her so much it's ridiculous, and I can't even find one. She's so in love, and I don't even know what that feels like. And it makes me angry because I think.....maybe someone like her is the reason someone like me can't be happy. Because instead of just having their 'one' they.....have 'two'. I don't know, it sounds so pathetic and dumb...because surely there's enough people in this world, and..." She pauses, trying to gather her thoughts once more. "And my other friend, well, she's so single and so out and living and mingling and.....she doesn't even care about love. She's so fucking free and unimpeded by societal standards - the nagging arguments of needing to be 'confined' to a relationship or a career or even a set schedule. She refuses to even do dishes until she 'feels it's time'. Everything for her is so spontaneous. She's so in-tune with herself as a person. And despite the fact that she fucks a new chick at least 3 nights out of every week, she is capable of going longer than anyone I know without even so much as a raunchy make-out session. And I envy that. That autonomy. Her ability to BE and to stand so goddamn strong in the the midst of waves that leave everyone else around her swept out to sea - drowning. She's been through so much and I think that's what it is. She's been broken apart so many times and it's left her tenacious."

She doesn't say it. But she wonders if she could ever have survived the things Raven had gone through in life. She wonders if she had suffered like her, even just a little, if it would have made her as strong? I mean, that's how it works right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Unless it kills your spirit, dampens your drive. "It's okay to desire strength, Clarke. And it's more than okay to want love. To want to be in love."

I know. But I shouldn't hope for something to break me just so I can use the pain in creative ways. I should be able to create no matter what. If I'm truly an artist, right? It shouldn't be conditioned upon how fucking sheltered or safe or privileged my life has been? So why does it feel like to me that it is?? Why does it feel like I can't make people feel things when I haven't felt things??? But that feels like too much to share. "I know. But my reasoning....it's just so fucked, Lex. Anyways, it's your turn."

Tell me a secret. Lay yourself out in front of me. Be real with me - FOR me. "I lay awake almost every night thinking about soulmates." Clarke hears something in the confession. It's not something that is actually said. It's more the sound of Lexa's voice as she said it. It's different from anything she's ever heard from the girl. "What about soulmates?" "My grandmother was my grandfather's soulmate. She died and...within 2 days he was gone too. They had been together for 62 years. They met on a blind date. He was in the army and his buddy was seeing this girl and she had a friend that she brought along on a double date. Crazier thing? It was supposed to be another friend of theirs going instead of him. It was supposed to be this guy named Willy. William Burge. My grandfather's last name was Williams, so when he introduced himself as Layton and she asked him where 'Willy' came from...he told her it was because of his last name. Something about the Army always using last names and people just shortened his to save time. Didn't have the heart to tell her that Burge had stood her up. Gramps told me once that he knew that night. He knew she was it for him. Fate, you know? They weren't even supposed to meet. Or maybe they were. They were married 6 weeks later. And spent 62 years together. And I think about that. A lifetime spent next to someone - your hand fitting with theirs, your bodies melting into each other, your heartbeats forming the most delicate of duets. Her heart gave out and.....his just couldn't keep time without it. That has to be it, right? Soulmates? The romantic kind, at least." It was the deepest thing the girl had ever shared. It was as if she had broken her heart open - like a piggy bank - scattering the contents for Clarke to see it's value before she carefully gathered it all back up, tucking it back inside and away from the world. It left Clarke feeling like she couldn't breathe - as though every breath she tried for had no room, as if her chest had nowhere to expand. The weight of Lexa's words was crushing her.

And then, almost instinctively, the girl laughed and broke the silence again with a confession of a slightly different nature. "Okay. Different kind of secret. File this under the 'Holy Water Required' category. Remember the girl I told you about when we were texting? About relationships?" "Benefits girl?" Clarke responded, finally able to breathe. "Ha, yeah. Well, I was back home, two weeks ago when I had a break from work and that crazy schedule, and I saw her. I was out with my mom, having lunch, and I saw her. We didn't speak. I mean, my mom has no idea that she and I even know each other. But she sent me a text after we left the cafe and I met up with her later that night."

Lucky bastard. I can live vicariously, though.

"Ooh, and how was it? Been a while? For you and her?"

Details, please. I might use them, later.

"It was...okay. Interesting. I mean, yeah, it had been a little while. 5 or 6 months at least."

Okay? That's it? Jesus, I feel like I'm reliving dead-fish sex with Finn, right now.

"Don't sound too excited there, killer. Not as good as it used to be? Think you guys are losing your 'spark'?" Lexa cleared her throat, staying silent for a moment before continuing her admission. "It was different. We um....we did some role playing. It was kinda new for us." "Role playing, huh? Alright, asshole. Spill it! Does she have a thing for Channing Tatum and you pretended to be Magic Mike or something? Cause, he could TOTALLY get it!"

Also, I'm loving the mental image of you doing that. Those abs and tha-

"Fuck Channing Tatum!"

"Well, I'm trying, but you know, our schedules and social circles haven't exactly aligned yet. I haven't given up hope, though." "Guess that opens up a place for me in Jenna Dewan-Tatum's bed, then."

Whatever. Wait....what?! Hold up-

"Anyways, before you started painting that completely unnecessary portrait of male strippers, I was going to say it was more like...'crush' role-play. She has a crush on this guy that works at the gym she's a member of. So I played him, the first round. His name is Zach, by the way. I remember, vividly, the times she screamed it."

Jesus fuck!

"Well, aren't you an overachiever?! That's a plus in my book." "Color me versatile."

A DEFINITE PLUS!

"So who was she, then? In this little game of yours..." Clarke waited for the answer, not hearing the sound of Raven's footsteps down the hallway of their apartment, nearing the door. The sudden knocking made her jump, dropping her phone on the bed and knocking the glass of water on her nightstand off. The glass hit the floor and shattered causing Raven to open the door and rush in. "Clarke?? Are you-" "Rae, I'm fine. You scared me when you knocked. I didn't know anyone was home. I wa-"

Fuck! My phone! She scrambled back onto the bed, grabbing her phone and pulling it to her ear.

"Lex?" "Yeah? You okay, Clarke?"

"Sorry, Ra-my roommate just came home and....I didn't hear her until she knocked on the door. Scared the living shit out of me! One of these days, I swear to God....your ass is fucking grass. Like 6 ft under the grass." The angry look and her raised tone of voice made her roommate laugh. "Anyways, she wants to go watch movies. Text you later?" Lexa laughed and Clarke felt her heart jump. "Yeah," her tone changed quickly, a formidable edge coming across as the words left her lips, "but tell your roommate the next time she cock-blocks me, I will catch the first flight there and bury her myself."

Well, Hello there, Commander.

"Ha, well, I propose an alternative: you drive here and kidnap me." "Don't tempt me, Clarke."

Oh, but I want to.

"I'll start packing while we're watching movies. I should be ready by sunrise." "Everyone knows it would be smarter to grab you under the cover of darkness. What kind of criminal do you take me for?!"

Shiiiit, you can grab me under whatever cover(s) you want. What the...?? Christ on a cracker, Clarke! Do you even hear yourself, right now?? Just say goodnight and go.

"So I can expect you tomorrow night, then. Stroke of midnight, Commander?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK. GRIFFIN! You had one job! Although,.....that pun was so delectably on point! Oh, shit. YoujustcalledherCommander. >.<

"Mmm. Maybe I'll just have to risk it. I don't think I want to wait that long."

Okay, let's everybody just chill out for a minute. No need to get all ' sexual-tension' right now. You're literally 2 seconds away from sitting on your couch and watching Mulan. WTF! Fan yourself, bitch. Cool it down.

"Alright, charmer, go to sleep. I'll text you in the morning."

That's right, Griff. Back away, slowly. No sudden movements or they poun-

"If I don't take you before then...."

Fuck, I wish you would. Ugh. You slick-mouth motherfu-

"Goodnight, Lexa." "Goodnight, Clarke."

Pressing the red X to end the call, Clarke barely registers Raven's eyes locked onto her from the doorway of her bedroom. She looks up, biting her lip, meeting her roommates gaze while praying for her to have some sort of short term memory loss and forget all about the last 10 minutes of their lives. "So....change of plans, Clarkey. There will be no movies tonight as I have elected that our entertainment for this evening will be in the form of you telling me what the fuck that was all about." "Raven..." "No ma'am. Not yet. Save that for the couch. Right now, your jumpy ass has a mess to clean up. I'm gonna get the popcorn ready and I'm suddenly feeling like I'm going to need something to drink. I mean, damn! Your thirst is so serious it has become an epidemic. Possible quarantine needed. How bad IS it, Clarke?"

Critical.

Chapter 3: Part of Your World Summary: super short chapter..

Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "What's the point Rae? She doesn't do relationships. We covered that already." "Okay yeah, but that was before she spilled her heart out about her grandparents and soulmates and.......that shit is heavy, Griffin. She's got feelings. She may not express them outwardly, at least not often, but she has them." "Valid point. But we know nothing about each other. Not like, specifics. I know she flies. A LOT. Frequent-flyer Miles`R` Us. I'm assuming it's probably for work. What work? Who the fuck knows. She could be a fucking hit-man (woman?) for all I know, Rae. Shit. I could be her target. Raven! Finn was so angry the last time we talked. He probably hired this bi-" "Clarke, will you please quit being so goddamn dramatic. I highly doubt an assassin would have wasted a week, let alone....wait....how long have you been talking to her?" "Ummm....almost a year." "Are you fucking kidding me, right now? You've maintained an anonymous-eque relationship with this girl for a year? Even after those drunk texts from 2 months ago??" "I know. It certainly hasn't been without it's....challenges." "I feel like I need to buy your vagina a drink. All that abuse you're putting her through." "RAVEN! My vagina does not need any more encouragement." "Well, perhaps she needs some consolation then. Be a masochist all you want, but don't take it out on Princess Peach." "WHAT THE FUCK RAVEN! I told you that in confidence!" "Which is exactly why I'm only mentioning it now, in the privacy of our home. I mean, what? I think it's adorable." "Oh my God. Stop. Stop talking about it." "I bet Commander Lexa would like it." "You're making me regret telling you anything, right now. You know that, right?" "You didn't have to tell me anything, really. I could read it on your face. You like her, Clarke. And I mean REALLY like her. That smile on your face? The one you've had plastered across your face for almost a year now? That's not something you can fake or hide. That's pure light, raw happiness breaking you apart at the seams. And I, for one, think it suits you." "Rae...."

"Clarke, what could it hurt? Really? Ask her for a picture. Ask her where she's from. Ask her about her eye color, whether she's had braces or not, her fucking shoe size. Ask her something personal - anything. See if she answers. If she clams up, leave it alone. Cut your losses and move on. But if she answers, Griffin, I swear upon la vida de mi abuela you better seize that opportunity and hold on for dear life. Because if you can hold someone's attention like that for a year without even so much as a selfie...THAT is fucking fate." "Seriously? Fate?" "Fate? Serendipity? The Powers That Be? Whatever you choose to think of it as. All I'm saying is....you thirst-texted Finn." "And what the fuck are you getting at??" "You threw your usual bait out expecting to catch your usual dinky little feesh. And what you got, instead, was a shark. Now, I'm all for feeshies, and sharks do scare the fuck out of me. I mean, we're both avid Shark Week Watchers. We know about that life. But, when it comes to choosing which to take back to shore and tell a story about.....Ummm....I'm bringing in the shark." "Raven, for fucks sake. Be serious. This girl could take one look and run. What we have now is......comfortable." "Yeah and that's exactly what Finn was. Mr. Comfortable. Mr. Reliable. Mr. Predictable. And you hated it. It's why you left him. Pull your head out of your ass and take a look around. It is what got you into this situation to begin with. Now, what have I always told you about history, Clarke?" "If you don't learn from your History, you're doomed to repeat it." "Goddamn right, and you're on the verge of doing just that. If you let this go on long enough, you will resent yourself and possibly her for never having pushed or pulled or scraped the surface to see what was hiding underneath." "But that's the problem Rae. We're under the fucking surface, now. We're under the waves and it's almost like we'd rather drown than come up for air and see how things look up top. What if....what if the surface isn't as alluring as the way the light dances on the ocean floor?? What if...she's not....interested in a change of scenery?" "Clarke......you can have both. You can have the light dancing on the ocean floor and you can dance on the shore as the sunsets over the horizon. But until you come up, you'll never be anything but that much closer to running out of time."

Notes: 'la vida de mi abuela' - my grandmother's life

Chapter 4: How to Feel Chapter Text 01:21pm - Lexa: Flight just landed.

01:25pm - Clarke: glad ur safe. how was it? 01:27pm - Lexa: Uneventful. Glad I smuggled my own snacks, though. 01:30pm - Clarke: ooh snacks? sharing is caring, lex. 01:32pm - Lexa: Would you like a Twizzler? I have Pretzels and Slim Jims if you're craving something salty. 01:35pm - Clarke: lol ur eating habits astound me. how long r u home for this time? 01:37pm - Lexa: 2 weeks. Give or take.

She thought about it. It had been a week since her conversation with Raven and she hadn't even made a move to ask anything personal. She wasn't sure she wanted to. But she also wasn't sure she could live with herself if she didn't.

What if Raven's right? What if we end up missing our chance? What if this is......?

01:40pm - Clarke: do u have any siblings?

Either she answers......or she doesn't. What do you have to lose?

01:44pm - Lexa: Yes. You?

Okay. Tread lightly.

01:45pm - Clarke: no. only child. younger or older? 01:49pm - Lexa: Older. by 5 mins. Twin brother, Layne.

Twins, huh? Well that's definitely interesting. Wonder if they're identical.

01:52pm - Clarke: u two look alike? 01:54pm - Lexa: That's open to interpretation. He'll tell you he's better looking, though.

01:55pm - Clarke: my friend's brother does the same thing ;) they aren't twins, but still. i think it's a cocky older brother thing. 01:57pm - Lexa: Don't go getting any ideas, Prisa.

Unff, I love it when she calls me that.

01:58pm - Clarke: y, u jealous?

***

She hadn't received a reply and it was already after 11pm. Lexa was usually pretty prompt with her texts, even if it was just to say that she was busy and she'd call later. But there was no response. Not even a winky face.

Did I say the wrong thing? Did I push too far?

"Clarke, you're not even watching the movie." Octavia's voice snapped her to attention. "Oh, umm....Sorry, O. I spaced." "Yeah you did. You okay, Clarkey?" "What? Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm great."

Just smile and nod. It distracts them.

"Me thinks she doth protest too much." This time it was Raven calling her out. Octavia reached over and wrapped her arm around Clarke's neck, pulling her in a little. "Come on, Clarke. What's been up with you lately? You don't talk to us anymore. Not like, really TALK. And no offense, but there's only so much shop-talk about work and your mom's latest surgical accomplishments that I can take. I wanna hear about YOU." "She saves that kinda stuff for Lexa."

"Raven! Stop." Octavia's glare moved from Clarke to Raven and then back to Clarke. "Ummm...who the fuck is Lexa, Clarke? And since when do you hide shit like that from me?" "O, I'm not hiding anything. I just don't.....speak about it. It's sorta new." "Yeah, a whole year worth of new." Raven offered under her breath. "WHAT THE FUCK CLARKE? A YEAR??? And I'm just now hearing about this??"

Yeah, and this is why I didn't want to go there in the first place.

"It's not what you think, Octavia. It's not like I've been seeing someone and keeping it on the down low. We've never met. I mean....I don't even know what she looks like." "I'm sorry, what?" Octavia's face was the very model of disbelief. "You've spent a year telling this girl shit you don't even tell us anymore and....you never thought to ask for a picture?" "Oh, she has pictures. Just.....not of her face." "RAVEN!" "Alright Clarke," Octavia was reaching for her phone, "Passcode now! I demand to see the evidence of your treachery."

Like hell!

"Absolutely not, O!" "Raven got to see!" "Raven did NOT see. Raven heard about them." "I didn't even get that much. The least you could do is show me. Since she knew before I did." "I vote we both get to see." Raven said as she raised her hand. "Or, nobody sees. How does that sound?!" "Whatever, Clarke." Octavia huffed. "So what do you know about her? What's she like? Where's she from?"

"I.....umm.....she's nice. She's funny - really charming. That's kind of why this even got started. Something about her reply to my text was just....I don't know." "Have you asked her anything, yet? Like anything that you SHOULD know about your friends?"

Of course Raven would ask. Fuck my life.

"Yes. And...she has a twin brother. His name is Layne." "Say what?! That's progress, Griffin. Now ask for a picture - preferably of both of them. I could be your future sister-in-law." Raven jokes, her eyebrows wiggling.

***

02:34am - Lexa: Prisssaaaaaa ven aqui

what the..? what fucking ti- LEXA! Finally! Okay, but....what does that even...??

02:40am - Clarke: im sorry, who am i speaking w/? is this charming or the commander? 02:42am - Lexa: 'Tis Lexa 02:43am - Clarke: mm, good. i like you best ;) 02:44am - Lexa: Oh yeah? 02:45am - Clarke: definitely. u been busy? 02:47am - Lexa: Busy, yes. Family. Bonding. Food. Drinks. 02:47am - Clarke: ahh so ur a bit tipsy, then? 02:48am - Lexa: I do not get tipsy, Clarke. 02:48am - Lexa: I had a few drinks, but I'm good. 02:49am - Clarke: where r u? r u safe?

02:50am - Lexa: I am safe. Tucked into bed.

Alone?

02:51am - Lexa: My brother snores. Loud snores. I am almost positive he has a demon inside him growling to get free. 02:52am - Clarke: need me to come protect u? 02:53am - Lexa: Bring the Holy Water. 02:54am - Clarke: u seem to hold ur liquor pretty well. 02:56am - Lexa: All in the blood line. We have a high alcohol tolerance. 02:57am - Clarke: u should thank ur parents. or perhaps cuss them out. it probably takes u a lot more to get drunk than it would me. im a cheap date. total lightweight. 03:00am - Lexa: Never met them. Lightweight, huh? That's cute.

Huh???

03:02am - Clarke: never met them? 03:05am - Lexa: My biologicals - the genetic contributors. Layne and I are adopted. Since birth. Our mom was too young. She wanted us but she had no clue how to take care of 1 kid much less 2. 03:07am - Lexa: Don't get the wrong idea, though. I don't hate her or bio-dad. I'm not like bitter and fucked up and searching for reasons or whatever. We had an amazing childhood. We were right where we were supposed to be. My folks couldn't conceive. Tried everything. Nothing worked for them. They were so empty and broken. And then, fate. ha. 03:09am - Lexa: Gramps is the one that set the adoption up. Paid for it. He's also the one that insisted we still learn to speak Spanish because it was part of our heritage.

I'm starting to like 'alcohol-induced uninhibited Lexa'.

03:15am - Clarke: ur adoptive parents are hispanic?

03:16am - Lexa: My genetic make-up is that of Hispanic/Latin decent. My parents are multi-racial - both of them. 03:19am - Lexa: Mom is Irish/Jamaican/Indigenous Australian and Dad is a 'Mixedbreed' (his words, exactly). He's something like Native American/Cuban/Icelandic/Indigenous?? I don't honestly know the extent because he never talks about it at length the way my Mom does. But I've met some of his family from Australia when we went for a vacation. 03:22am - Lexa: Gramps, my Mom's dad, he made it a point to tell us how important it was for us to hold on to our Hispanic heritage and to speak the language. He said the world favors bilingual people these days. Told us it would be much easier to find a job no matter what we wanted to do - if we spoke another language. 03:24am - Clarke: wow. that is amazing, lex. how many languages do u speak? 03:25am - Lexa: 3. English, Spanish, and Trig. 03:25am - Clarke: trig? math trig? 03:26am - Lexa: Ha. No. Horrible at math, actually. 03:27am - Lexa: Trigedasleng. It was my Dad's first language. It's a dialect spoken among some of his Indigenous family members. My Mom speaks it too, but her family doesn't. I suspect she picked it up more from him than anywhere else. 03:28am - Clarke: that is actually really cool.

I need to hear this...

03:28am - Clarke: promise u'll speak trig to me one day 03:29am - Lexa: Sha, Prisa. 03:30am - Clarke: ?? 03:30am - Lexa: Translation - Yes, Princess

Yep, I'm a fan.

03:31am - Clarke: mmm have i told u how much i love it when u call me that? 03:32am - Lexa: No, but I would love it if you would. 03:33am - Clarke: and how would u like for me to tell u?

03:34am - Lexa: I want to hear you say it, Clarke.

Fuck. Okay, that's hot.

03:35am - Clarke: well let me know when ur NOT laying in bed, supposed to be sleeping, next to ur brother. then i'll tell u ;) 03:36am - Lexa: Dimelo, Prisa. Tell me, now.

Shit.

(( Dialing: Lexa ))

"Sha, Prisa." The heady tone of Lexa's voice is the most disarming thing Clarke has ever heard. "Fuck, Lexa. You couldn't even let me speak before you did that to me.." "Tell me you don't like it."

Not even remotely possible.

"Mmm, you are too much, right now." "¿Te gusta?" "It's not fair that I don't know what you're saying...." "What do you want to know, Clarke?"

Everything. I want to know everything about you.

"I want to know what it feels like...."

Tell me you didn't jus-

"What WHAT feels like, Clarke?"

Don't say it. Shit's gonna get real.

"What it feels like for.....what it would feel like for you to touch me..." "You'll have to feel it for yourself, Prisa."

FUCK! I want to. I need to.

"Lexa, I-" "I want to see you, Clarke."

Wait....What?!

"What do you mean, Lex...?" "I want-"

"Lexa! Shof op!" The voice was gruff, and threatening almost.

The brother.

"Chil yo daun, Layne." Lexa's voice was intimidating. It was different from the commanding tone she'd sported just a few moments ago. It had more hostility to it. It didn't have the smooth overcoat that she put on for Clarke. This was pure aggression. And it sent tingles between Clarke's thighs.

"Lex, I can let you go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow." "Clarke, it's fine. You don-" "I'm trying to sleep, Lex! Go FaceTime-Fuck in the bathroom or something." Again, she heard Layne's voice over the phone, followed by the sound of rushed breathes and rustling covers and then a door. "Clarke....?" "Yeah.." "I...."

Just tell me what you want, Lexa.

"Lex?" "I better go to sleep. I'm sorry if I woke you up."

Damnit.

"It's okay. Text me in the morning, when you wake up?" "Yes, Clarke. Sleep well." "You too, Lexa."

Chapter 5: You Go Down Smooth Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "So How's work, Lex? They been running you ragged?" Her brother is walking towards her with a beer in his hand, reaching out to hand her a second one. He sits at the table next to her and they both enjoy the sunny weather while it lasts. Too often it feels like Florida goes from bright and shining to Hurricane in the space of 10 minutes. But the weather, as bi-polar as it is, happens to be one of her favorite things about the Sunshine State.

"Yeah, my schedule has been crazy here and there. I work 3 weeks or so, and then I get to come home and relax for bit, wait on my next job and then I start over again. it's not horrible. I mean....not working on the same set every time. I like the change of scenery. Some of the stunts seem repetitive. If you've blown up one car, you've blown up a hundred. But every now and then, when I'm really lucky, I get a stunt that tests me. I had one a couple months back that scared the shit out of me, bro. You know how much I HATE boats. I mean, the idea of wiping out and getting knocked out and drowning. FUCK. But this scene was so intense. I couldn't pass it up. It took me a while but I got it put together just right - like choreographing the perfect dance sequence - and it was fucking flawless. A masterpiece, Layno. I think it MAY have been one of my proudest moments. I almost shit my pants DURING, but after? God it was sooooo worth it." "I still can't figure out why you do that shit. How many bones have you broken so far? I mean shit, Lex. How much more can you take?"

How much more can I take?? I go until I get the rush. I need the rush.

"I enjoy it. It's not the worst job. Besides, Mom always said I was a daredevil. Figured I'd make money doing it."

It's true. I was always the reason Mom got called to the school or to the hospital. I kept her life interesting.

"Yeah...must be paying pretty damn well for you to keep flying around back and forth. You know you could get a place of your own and quit staying with Mom and Dad. I'm sure you make enough money to afford rent and utilities. Food? Maybe not. But you're only here a week out of every month, anyway." "You're just saying that because you hate living with Vic. His girlfriend still staying there?" "Arica? Fuck yeah and she's killing me, slowly. I swear, if I have to clean up after her and her drunk gal pals one more time, I'm gonna lose my shit." "You clean up after them because you end up fucking the aforementioned gal pals. Don't even act like it doesn't work out in your favor sometimes." "Well, yeah, but then Arica thinks it's okay to just keep making the mess because she 'got me laid' once or twice. I just....need my own place. Or a place with the best sister in the world! Come on, Lexa."

Yeah, no. Share an apartment? With my party animal brother? Naw, I'm good.

"I might have considered it but you were rude as fuck last night." "You were trying to have phone-sex next to me. It was awkward, okay." "I wasn-I thought you were asleep and..alright, point taken. But still. You could have been nicer about it. OR better yet, you could have just gotten up and left and let me have MY bed." "Number one, Lexa Arielle, I was asleep before you. The rule says last one up has to find somewhere else to go in the unlikely event that said person is getting laid. Even via cellular device. Number two, it's not my fault mom turned my old room into her own personal gym. I mean, really? Just because you're the baby doesn't mean I don't have feelings, too." "Oh for fucks sake. You're 5 whole minutes older than I am - stop acting like it's half a decade separating us. And, need I remind you, Layne Auberon, we made those rules when we were 12 and sharing a room before Anya left for college. So, if you would kindly quit referring to them as if they are Gospel." "Whatever, Fea. So who's Clarke, anyway. I thought you and Cos were still bumping uglies?"

Ooh, Shit.

"Clarke is.....complicated." And she really is. I mean, not Clarke personally, because if Lexa is honest she feels like she doesn't know enough about Clarke (not really) to make that kind of judgement. The situation, however, is slightly more tortuous. "I thought you and Costia were complicated."

Negative, ghostrider.

"Ummm, no. Cos and I - totally simple. We don't see each other unless we're having sex. We don't text or call or communicate unless it's leading to sex. We don't even smile at each other in public unless we know we're about to make plans to have sex." "So, it's really just....about the sex, then." "Yep. Simple." "And Clarke?? Last night? Phone-sex?"

Well that.....I mean....

"I don't know, bro, she's seriously fucking with my head." "Smash and dash. Clears things right up."

Don't talk about her like that.

"No. It's not like that with her. She's....different." "What's so different, Lex? She a 7 instead of the 2's you're used to pulling?" "I actually wouldn't know. I've never seen her." "I'm gonna stop you, there. You got the number, for a girl, and you've never even seen her? Okay, Yoda. Listening, I am." "For starters, you're lame. Moving on, Umm...she actually sent me a text first. Wrong number for one of her friends - they hadn't talked in a while and....she sent a text asking about a party. Happened to be me on the other side."

That's as close to the truth as I want you to know.

"How very....fortuitous." "Impressive. Cereal Box or Crossword Puzzle?" "Shut up, bitch. I know big words. Anyways, how long have you two been enjoying coital-calls?" "Fuck you and your 'big words'. We've been talking-well texting and talking-for about a year now." "So you're ugly and stupid. That's a lethal combination. For your pride, anyway. And maybe your junk, too." "LAYNE!" "Come on, Lex. Why does it still weird you out? After all this time. It doesn't weird me out. I'm your fucking twin. For all we know, I was just too much man in the womb and...I decided to share. You're welcome." he says with a smirk and a shrug. "Alright. This conversation, much like my beer, is over. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon, douche."

Lexa moves to get up from the chair. "You're not even gonna tell me about your phone-sex?? That's fucked up, Fea. I include you in EVERYTHING." "Yes, and I'd almost rather you didn't. But, if you must know, it didn't happen." "WHAT?? What are you, chicken-shit or something? I was rooting for you!" "No, I was....'ready'....until I walked out into the hall and Mom was standing there. So I said goodnight and hung up." "OOohh BUSTED. That's a solid buzzkill. Did she..??" "Oh yeah...she gave me the look." "Eesh, you're so fucked. She's gonna ask."

Don't remind me.

"I know." "You're not getting out of this. You're her baby, Lexa-Ri. She's gonna be brutal."

I'm dreading it....

"I know." "What are you gonna tell her?"

Fuck if I know.

"The truth." "And the truth being....?"

I'm crazy about her.

"She's good to talk to." "Hmmph....okay. Just let me know when she's coming to dinner. I'll make it a point be here!" "Whatever, fuckass."

As if that's actually an option...

***

"So how long are we gonna be there again, O?"

I'm literally only washing the clothes I'm taking with me. Basic essentials, Griffin. Ain't nobody to impress, and you're all about energy conservation.

"6 days. Bellamy said we've got the place for 7 just in case, though."

02:30pm - Lexa: So my brother has informed me that I should get my own place. 02:31pm - Clarke: u staying with him?

"Hey O, where are we going again?"

Gotta google the night-life. I plan on being very inebriated.

02:33pm - Lexa: No, I stay with my parents. When I'm here. But he thinks I should get my own place so he can move out of where he's at now. He hates his roommates girlfriend.

"Bradenton Beach or something like that. I don't know Clarke, it's a fucking beach. Totally not picky right now. It's two houses, but they're owned by the same person and he rents them separate or together, depending on what you need. We got both. Plenty of room for me, Linc, and Harper to be away from Bel. He's driving me crazy with this 'my sister, the whore of Babylon' shit."

02:35pm - Clarke: so it would be just him there when ur away for work? 02:36pm - Lexa: Basically. Which, I'm sure, he's thought about. Plenty of privacy for his shenanigans.

"Is Raven bringing the red-head? The one from 2 weeks ago, not the one she met at Lavender's??"

What's her name, again? Sam, Sara, Sandra...No-Stephanie?

02:37pm - Clarke: u gonna do it? can u afford it?

"Silvie? God, I hope not. Bitch is loud as fuck and for no damn reason. I'm always down for some convo and cackles, but have something engaging to talk about before you open your mouth. I truly believe Raven needs to go back to dating men. Just to clear the air. These last few girls have been scraping the bottom of the barrel."

02:39pm - Lexa: I'm seriously considering it. Especially after last night. 02:40pm - Clarke: u must think ur gonna get that lucky again, huh, charming?

"O, who's riding in who's vehicles?"

I'm not driving. I HATE driving with a shit-ton of people in the car. Besides, I can't properly take advantage of the Aux chord if I'm trying to be a safe driver and not to kill us.

"Bel's driving. Him, Gina, and Raven are taking the Tahoe. Jasper will probably tag along with them. Plus we can load all our shit in their car too. Me and 'minez' are taking Lincoln's Jeep and I had planned on you riding with us. if that's okay with you?"

02:42pm - Lexa: I wouldn't want to assume. 02:43pm - Clarke: u left me hanging. i'm not sure i wanna give u that opportunity again. at least not too soon ;)

"Yeah, that's fine with me. As long as we take turns playing DJ."

02:44pm - Lexa: It's definitely not what you think. 02:45pm - Clarke: what? that u bit off more than u could chew? 02:45pm - Clarke: i wouldn't want to assume ;) 02:46pm - Lexa: Ha. Well, for your information, I had no intention of leaving you hanging. In fact, I left the room so that I could continue our conversation. 02:47pm - Clarke: yes, and then u said goodnight. end of story. #tease #pantyruiner 02:48pm - Lexa: Kind of hard to flirt when your mom is staring at you down the hall. 02:50pm - Clarke: omg shut up. what did she say? 02:51pm - Lexa: Nothing. She gave me the look. Which is why I ended the call so quickly. 02:51pm - Clarke: my mom has that look too 02:52pm - Clarke: u still owe me a pair of panties, tho ;) 02:53pm - Lexa: And how are your panties, now, Clarke?

No, no. Not while I'm here in front of O.

02:54pm - Clarke: settle down, charming. my panties are just fine, thank u.

"Hey Clarke, I'm meeting Harper for smoothies. Wanna join?"

No, that's fine, O. Run, save yourself. Just leave me here to die, alone, in this pile of laundry and mismatched luggage.

"No. you go ahead. I'm gonna finish getting my stuff together. I'll see you later. Rae get's out of work at 6 and she wanted to go 'Spirit Shoppin'. She doesn't want to leave our intoxication up to our limited knowledge of where-ever it is we're going."

"Alright, make good choices, Clarkey." Octavia throws over her shoulder as she closes the front door behind her.

(( Incoming call: Lexa ))

"You have perfect timing, Charming." "You sound overwhelmed. What are you needing a break from?" "We are packing. Well, Octavia left me in favor of smooth-fruity-deliciousness with her girlfriend. So technically, I am packing. Ugh.....It will be the death of me. But thank you for delaying my demise." "Smooth-fruity-deliciousness? Is that what they're calling it these days?"

What the...? Oh..haha. Okay, no.

"Oh my God. Smoothies. They're going for Smoothies. O's boyfriend works at the Dropship, it's this cafe and they have the best fucking smoothies. Like, EVER. He's able to sneak us free ones, sometimes." "Ahh, so Octavia, then." "Hmm?" "You told me about your friend having two people in her life. I'm assuming, by your saying that Octavia has both a girlfriend and a smoothie-stealing boyfriend, that she is that friend." "Oh, yes. Yes! She is. I'm surprised you remembered that, actually. Sometimes I don't know about the things we say to each other. Like, I don't know if I'm....supposed to be invested or if you are as invested...." "Well, I did over-share about my family last night so...." "I enjoyed hearing about your story. I'd like to hear more..." "In a personal, daily routine, kind of way?"

Fuck. She doesn't want that. She's going to pull away.

"Only if you want." "Does that mean I get to know more about you, as well, Clarke?"

When you say my name like that, you can know me however you like. Biblically, even.

"If you want..." "I do. What do you want to know about me?"

If you only knew...

"Well, you travel a lot for work. So, what is it exactly that you do? My ro-Raven thinks you're in Cirque du Soleil or something. Touring across the country." "Ha, she's actually not far off. I do quite a bit of tumbling and acrobatics, so. Give her half a point for creativity and intuition." "Hold up. Are you in the circus?" "No! And I'm mildly offended that you're sexualizing me by picturing me in one of those sparkly body-suits."

Now, that is quite the mental picture. But I had you pegged for a lion tamer. Or a motorcyclist in one of those huge metal cages, jumping through flaming hoops...Dear sweet baby Jesus.

"So no sparkles, then? What about a whip?" "I have a whip. But it is not employment related."

Mary, Mother of...

"Mmm...okay. Enlighten me, then. What does your employment entail?" "I do stunts." "Like...acting?"

"No, I don't get an actor's salary. Nor am I as well known. But I do work on the same sets, actually." "Shut the fuck up! TV or Movies?" "Both. Whoever's paying me at the time. I'm kind of a stunt-whore." "Gives new meaning to 'turning tricks'. So, you're kinda bad-ass. Like, I don't know what I pictured your job being but...'stunt-woman extraordinaire'..that beats it - by far." "Careful, Clarke. Your panties."

You clever devil. Always so fucking slick. I can play that game, too....

"I took my panties off the minute you started talking about acrobatics, Commander." "Hmph, Good girl."

WHOA, there. Daddy as fuck. Me likey.

"Okay, so you're a fucking daredevil by day. What do you do during your down-time?" "Pretty much the same thing. I like fast cars, and danger, and anything that gets my blood pumping. My brother and I are actually going wakeboarding this weekend sometime." "Well shit. I totes can't hang with you because I'm such a chicken when it comes to shit like that. I tried to skateboard once and I busted my lip. Never even touched one after that." "I'm kinda like that with speedboats. I......I had a stunt once that involved one. I went through a lot of extensive training to learn how to maneuver and handle the boat. How to adjust to the sheer force of it. I prepared for months - all while still shooting other scenes. Shoot day comes and....I fucked up. I mean, it wasn't a big fuck up. But with a speedboat, even the tiniest issue - the smallest mistake - and you could die. I almost did. Scared the fuck out of me. I didn't fuck with anything involving water for a while. I've wiped out in cars and on bikes before. But......it's different with water. On land....you get scratches. Broken bones. Minor burns. You lay there and wait for the medics, find out how bad it is, and go from there..." "And in the water....?" "Water will kill you. Quick." "How did you go back to it? After all that? Why go back?"

"I love my job. I love the rush. I choreograph these fucking amazingly intricate stunts, and it's like conducting an orchestra. You write your symphony, you put so much work into it, and you practice and practice, but you still never know what's going to happen when they pull back those curtains and it's showtime. It's just like that. You do what you can, control what you can, but things can change the same way the wind shifts. You know you're going down.....you can only hope to go down smooth." There's a silent prayer, a gentle strumming of her heartstrings, and all Clarke can do is hum in reply.

I hope you always do.

Notes: Fea = pronounced fay-uh, means ugly. It's actually used as a term of endearment for a girl who's really pretty, though.

Chapter 6: On My Mind Chapter Text 10:33pm - Clarke: how many bags should a week away at a beach house require? 10:33pm - Clarke: i need u to settle the argument. i have 1 big bag and 1 small one. raven literally has like 5. 10:34pm - Clarke: isnt that a bit much for mostly bathing suits?

"How did Bel even find out about this place, Rae?" "He didn't. Gina did. Some college friend of hers is having a giant birthday/moving celebration before she leaves to go overseas. Bel and Gina were going anyway, but for some reason, BigBlake thought we all needed to go have a family vacay." "Who's rooming where? O's already called dibs on whatever house Bellamy will NOT be in." "He's driving her crazy, Clarke. He takes advantage of the whole 'older brother needs a key to your apartment for safety purposes' thing. Even Gina has told him to cut the shit out. I think that's part of why he wanted us all to go. He knows O is a sucker for the beach. He's trying to make up for being an asshole. But whatever, I'm staying with them because Gina makes some bomb-ass pancakes in the morning sooo...yeah there's that. Jas will probably bunk with us too. You know Lincoln still makes him nervous." "Alright, cool, so I'll be boarding at the LoveShack. I'll invest in some earplugs before we go." She laughs to herself, looking up after she doesn't hear a response from Raven.

"How are things with Lexa?"

Oh, boy. Here we go.

"They're great. Why?" "Clarke, you know what I mean." "Yes, and things are....progressing nicely. I'm learning things about her. Little by little putting together the Lexa Puzzle." "And how's the picture looking? Speaking of pictures.....making any headway there?" "It's still kinda.....splotchy I guess....in artsy terms, but I like what I've seen so far. And.....no. I haven't asked and...neither has she. Aside from the other night.." "She asked you for a picture and you declined?"

Well...no, not really, I mean...

"No....it was more like she said she wanted to see me." "Same shit, Clarke." "Not really, Rae. We were.........kinda-maybe-trying to have phone-sex....it ended before it even really started. But she told me she wanted to see me. Just like that. Quote, I want to see you Clarke, Unquote. In her deep breathy, husky thing she does with her voice. And the way her tongue clicks the K....and why the fuck isn't she texting me back?"

Don't be needy, Clarke.

"Call her. And while you're at it. Demand a picture. I'm so over your need to torture yourself, right now." "Raven, I don't make demands on her." "Maybe you should. Maybe she'd like that shit. I make demands and I gets the bitches." "Shut up. I just.....I don't know why she hasn't....made a move yet. Ask me for a picture or tell me that she likes me....not just likes flirting with me. I don't know, Rae. But I can't help wanting to know more about her - like her whole story. I feel like....as close as I'm

getting....there's still things I don't know. And it's not that she hides them...I think....I think she just feels more comfortable responding to questions, sometimes."

10:47pm - Clarke: oh where, oh where has my charming girl gone? oh where, oh where can she be?

"Okay, so what have you learned about her so far, then?"

If I tell you, you'll probably try to fall into bed with her...

"She's a stunt-chick. Like, a real, honest-to-goodness daredevil. She does TV, Movies, whatever. That's why she travels so much, so you were close. She's on set for a couple weeks at a time, training and shooting, and then she goes home for a week or two to relax before her next job." "........SHUT YOUR PRISSY LITTLE MOUTH!! I need you to quit playing with my emotions like this, Clarke..."

Ha, if you only knew, Rae. If you only knew.

"I'm serious Raven, she's fucking Eva Kneivel. Oh, she was rather amused by your Cirque du Soleil theory, too." "GRIFFIN! I am so angry with you right now. Gati is soooo fucking jealous! I can't-" "REYES! I don't need to know how your vag is handling this!" "Look, I'm just saying you need to get on that. Like A.S.A.P. Also, is it okay if I think of her tonight...whe-" "NO! NO YOU MAY NOT!" "Goddamn it Clarke, how come you have all the luck, huh? I mean, really???? This bitch is like...my dream-girl. No! It's worse than that. She is my dream-girl's fucking Spirit Animal. And you have a chance to get primal with her and I'm SOOO upset with you. It's official. I have to see a picture. Right the fuck now! AND she better be fugly!! Por Dios, you better pray she is grotesque so we can salvage our friendship!"

(( Dialing: Lexa ))

Come on, Lex......pick up......

"Lexa's Little Shop of Horrors, We Love to make you scream!!..."

WHOTHEFUCK????

The female voice on the phone is just a smidge higher pitched than Lexa's. It's also filled with a great deal too much pep and Clarke is instantly angry. "Umm..hi..Hey. I...Can I speak to Lexa, please?"

Seriously, Griffin? Speak the fuck up. Let this girl know. What's good?!

"Ha. About that. She's outside, sleeping on Dana." "I'm sorry, what???" "We've got bets going on whether she flips her or not. I personally wanna see her get wet but I'm not telling you how to vote. Care to wager?"

No bitch. I want m-...what even are we??

"Uh, No. Thank you, I'm ac-I'm just gonna g-" "Alright, Suit yourself." Clarke hears her say before she yells for someone else. "HEY STITCH!! Tell Lex her girlfriend's on the phone!!"

Girlfriend? Does she call me her girlfriend?? Who the fuck is Dana??

"You kno wha-.." "Oh fuck, I'm such a rude-ass. Hi, Lexa's-Girlfriend-Clarke!" It sounds more like a title than a description. "I'm Tris. Friend of the family. Layno told me about you. You better be nice to Fea or I'll have to choke-hold the fuck out of you, got me?"

Ok...Ummm...that's.....Very direct...and only minimally scary. Not. ......Fea??

"..uh...yeah?.."

I don't understand the question...but hopefully that's..the right answer?

"So Clarke, how come she doesn't have any pictures of you? We've been asking and Indra's gonna wa-" Clarke can hear the rustling of hands over the phone. What follows is a loud slap and then a banging noise, followed by screams of 'OWW! God Lexa!! STOP!! INDRAAAAAA!! Oww, Stop or I'm fucking tellin'!! Geeeezz.' "Hello?..." And then there's the voice she's been waiting for. It's strained - she's clearly out of breath - but it's all Lexa. "Hey....everything okay over there, Charming?" "Peachy. And you?" "I'm awesome. Almost done packing..." "I'm glad you survived.." She can hear the girl swallowing, as if shes gulping down the oxygen she needs, and then she exhales and it's as close to a moan as Clarke has ever heard from her. And it really, REALLY does it for her. "So....Dana..??"

Don't show her you're jealous.

"I'm sorry Clarke. I fell asleep in the pool..."

She's panting....and it's fucking hot. Thank you again, Lord. If I haven't said it enough lately.

"You sound out of breath..." "I flipped my floatie..." "Awww.....I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to do that. I could have called back or...you could have called me...later."

I feel bad calling to...'demand' a picture. I mean...is this even okay? What is she gonna think?

"No, I wanted to talk to you actually..." "What about..?"

Uh, oh. Is she gonna ask?? Fuck. Okay. This is not a drill. She's gonna ask. Keep Calm and Griffin On.

"I was just going to tell you that I decided to get my own place, after all. I mean, what if I do eventually want to take more time off and...I don't really want to be mooching off my parents forever. So, I went and looked at two apartments today, actually, when we hung up."

She didn't ask. Why didn't she ask?

"Yeah?? How did that go?" "Hated them. BUT, I will not be discouraged. There's always tomorrow." "That's true. Don't jump into anything too quick. Especially if you're able to wait until you find something you really like. It took me and Rae a month to find the right place."

Fuck she probably thinks I mean R-A-Y like...guy/ex/whatever. Awesome job, Griff. Just fan-fucking-tastic!

"Rae...R-A-E...short for Raven," she offers, trying to explain. "She's my roomie. The one who thought you wore glittery tights for a living. Which, by the way, she is SUPER butthurt about that right now." "That I don't wear tights?" "No. I'm a little upset about that, though. I would have loved to see you in a pair. Raven's upset because - apparently - you're the epitome of SEX, for her. She's threatening to end our friendship; sever ties completely." Ok so, Lexa's laugh: #3 on the list of Clarke's Top Ten favorite sounds. #2 being the Ice Cream truck and #1.....well, that's the way that Lexa says her name. "That is tragic, Clarke." She can practically hear the smirk behind the girl's words. "It is. So back to Dana...." "Are you concerned, Clarke?" "I.......maybe a little.."

Maybe A LOT.

"Dana is my crocodile pool floatie. I always said she looked like a dinosaur. Couple years back I was in town and...my parents were having the pool re-done. She was in the pool house and...everybody was over having drinks and watching movies. I was drunk and lonely because my bro and his friends had girls over and I ended up cuddling with her while we watched movies and....I named her. Dana. Dana the Dinodile. And...that is actually really embarrassing so....if you ever tell anyone that...." "Secret's safe with me, Charming." "So a beach house, huh?"

She read the texts....<3

"Yep. Our whole group of friends. A whole week. At a beach house. Two beach houses, to be exact. I'm going to be bunking with O and her bunch. I plan to make myself as scarce as possible. I have thought about their....bedroom dynamics....but I really don't want the visual, you know? I'll probably just walk the beach and see the sights. I plan on getting properly plastered and possibly lost." "I love your alliterations. Just be careful."

"You worried I might find me someone, Commander? Does it make you jealous?" "I don't do jealousy, actually. I've never really been the jealous type."

.......Pffffftt, She's just saying that. Fucking hard-ass. I like that shit.

"You've never wanted something....or someone....that belonged to someone else?" "I don't believe in that. People don't belong to other people. I belong to myself just like you belong to yourself. Yes, we have friends and family..and we feel a sense of responsibility towards them...but we have to be our own people and our main responsibility is to ourselves. My mom always taught us that....you go for what you want. Don't be jealous of something someone else has. Go find your own. Make your own. Build your own."

That definitely just backfired. Find your step again, Clarke. Center yourself. Find a new approach.

"So you always go for what you want, then?"

Why haven't you gone for me, then?

"Not always." "Why not?" "Sometimes what I want is bad for me."

Does she think I'm bad for h-

"So I'm bad for you??"

Wait...what....NO! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, GRIFFIN!?!? Abort Mission!! Abort Mission!!

"What? Clarke-" "I...Raven's calling me. I have to go. Talk to you later, Lex." "Clarke!"

(( Call ended ))

Chapter 7: From Eden Chapter Text (( 7 Missed Calls )) (( 3 New Voicemails ))

11:45pm - Lexa: Clarke. Please answer your phone. 11:57pm - Lexa: I don't know what to do. I don't know what I did. 11:58pm - Lexa: I don't understand how the conversation ended like that. 12:05am - Lexa: Answer your goddamn phone, Clarke.

She saw them. She saw them all.

Clarke watched them as they popped up on her phone screen. Sitting on her couch watching the Lion King with Raven, she pushed back the tears the stung her eyes. She fought the urge to answer - each text, every missed call. What was she doing? What was she thinking? Why did she say that?? She and Lexa had never fought before. And even this didn't feel like a fight. It felt more like Clarke walking out. It felt oddly reminiscent of how things ended with Finn. No, Lexa was not Finn. But this was how Clarke handled these things. And that became very evident to her in this moment. How she'd internalized everything for months, how she'd refused to confront him about it - knowing he'd never come right out and say it and how she'd eventually just walked out. Left everything. She was so done with him, and so done with being complacent, certain. Even the last time she'd been to his apartment, the night they'd fought and Raven had to come get her, they'd argued because he still had her stuff there and he'd told her she should just come back to him, move in, because everything was already there - it was ready and waiting for her.

But he was a cheater and a liar and worse, he truly believed she was stupid. That part was also evident to her. He'd left everything for her to find. Like he was testing her to see how long she'd stay quiet. Like he was seeing how much he could pile onto her, how great a load she could carry, before she fell and let it crush her. She hadn't told Raven and O about all of it. She told herself it was because she didn't want to look stupid. But it was more because she didn't care anymore. She knew he was an ass. She was sure he wasn't worth her time. And she was sure that she could have stayed there forever completely content because she was fed, and clothed, and covered, and she had someone. Even if he wasn't 'the one'. So she kept quiet. She was kind of glad about that after the fact, knowing that it would have really made going back to him for sex look even more deplorable. If she hadn't done that, if she hadn't continued to fall into his bed, would she have ever met Lexa? Would she ever have smiled to herself the way she did when Lexa said her name? Would she ever have felt her heart beat the way it did when Lexa told her it was okay to want to be in love, that it was okay for her to want more than what she had with Finn? It always felt, to her, like Lexa was telling her, in her own way, that she felt the connection too. And Clarke wasn't alone in her want. Had she read too much into it? Had she been the only one? What if this was just fun for Lexa? Just someone to talk to? What if this was just another way for Lexa to compartmentalize? Was Clarke the same as...Benefits girl? Was she the emotional intimacy without the actual responsibility of a relationship the same way that Benefits girl was sex without commitment? Did Lexa think that she didn't want more? Was she another 'pleasure without the problems'??

***

She woke up on the couch the next morning. Raven must have tucked her in because she didn't remember grabbing the blanket before she sat down and she didn't remember ever getting up. The night felt like a blur and her heart hurt thinking how hard she'd cried when Simba lost Mufasa, again. It must have been the ten-thousandth time she watched it, but it always pained her just as much as it did the first time. She wouldn't admit that those same tears had been fused with tears for Lexa. Tears of uncertainty. And tears of embarrassment. Not because she had let herself feel for her; the girl was irresistible conversation wise. Clarke couldn't have seen this going any other way, really. It was the way she had launched out with that 'So I'm bad for you??', rather, and the fact that she had allowed herself to take the step she'd never even contemplated taking with Finn. And it was the most debilitating fear that perhaps, this could have been the real deal. That maybe, even without realizing how fucking deep it really went, she had become so madly in love with this faceless portrait of a lover she'd created for herself.

You did this to yourself, she thought. Can you really love someone you've never even met? Can you love a song when you're only allowed to listen to the intro or an interlude? Can you love a painting, a sculpture - any piece of art, really - when you're

only allowed to see one side or the other of it? How can you love someone fully, so completely, when you don't even know them completely? But......does anyone ever really know anyone, completely?

***

She gave herself time to wake up, brush her teeth, and grab some coffee. She was tired of thinking - she'd done that too much last night. It was time to act!

Bite the bullet, Clarke. Just call her. You can talk about this.

(( Dialing: Lexa ))

"Hey Clarke." For the second time in less than 24 hours, someone who wasn't Lexa had answered her phone.

Ah, the brother.

"Hey...Layne, right?" "Yep. You got it." His voice sounded softer than the last time she'd heard it. It was a half whisper. Not quite as silent and soft, but the grating edge that was present before had all but disappeared. "Is....is Lexa around? I kind of...need to talk to her.." "She's kinda out of it right now...."

She doesn't want to talk to me. She's avoiding me.

"Layne, please ju-" She didn't have time to finish before her phone chimed in her ear that she had a text. A text from...Lexa??

What the hell??

09:46am - Lexa: [pic167.jpeg] A picture. A picture of a girl with long, wild brown curls, laying in a hospital bed with her left arm in one of those tacky blue slings, her head turned towards the opposite wall, hiding her face. Was this...??

my Lexa?? <3 Look at her. Just look at her.

"Clarke?" Layne's voice brought her back to the conversation. "Is that.....Is that her?" "Yes, Clarke. That's her." It was like he knew that she had been waiting for anything, just a peak into this girl's world. "What happened??"

Don't get upset, Clarke. Don't let yourself get worried. She's okay. She's clearly okay.

"Just a dislocated shoulder. Long story, I'll let her tell it. She's fine. But they wanted to keep her to make sure she was okay after the medicine. She was kinda fucked up last night, they didn't know how faded but yeah. They had to give her something before they reduced it. It wasn't a lot, they had to be careful, ya know? Figured they'd observe her for a while...make sure she didn't have any adverse reactions after. She'll be alright, though. Fea's tough."

There's that name again. Thank you for reminding me.

"Fea?"

He laughs and it reminds Clarke of Lexa's laugh. It doesn't sound fake or forced or constricted. It sounds like a thunderstorm in the summer. The build-up, the soft rumble of thunder and then the splash of raindrops covering every surface they can find, the flash and pop of lightening, and the lull after. It feels natural. It's free. "It means 'Ugly'. It's something we've called her since we were kids. It's not nearly as insulting as it sounds, though. I assure you."

Well, she did say that he was the type to tell you he was better looking. I didn't expect him to call her ugly. But, it's....kind of cute, though. The way he makes it sound...endearing?

"When will she be able to go home?" "Soon as she wakes up. As long as she's feeling up to it. Not like she'll tell you if she isn't, but still. Once she's up and moving, they'll release her. She'll have to wear the sling for a couple days or so. She's gonna be stoked about that." He chokes back his laugh, trying not to wake her up. "Been through this before, have you?" "No, but she has. I was the smartass. She's always been the show-off." Somehow that almost sounded appropriate. But then why wasn't she that way with Clarke? "You know, she's into you, Clarke." His words flow out unhampered, as if it's common knowledge, as if they hadn't just argued about this last night.

But it wasn't an argument, Clarke. You walked out, again.

"I.....I know." It's the only thing she can muster. And she sings it like an apology. A repentance for her behavior the night before. "I'm soooo fucking into her, too."

Don't cry, Griffin, she warns herself as she feels the tears burning the back of her eyes again. You can fix this.

"Then stay the course. She'll get there, eventually. This is new for her. She blows shit up and jumps off buildings - rolls cars and flips bikes for a living. She does shit that intimidates the fuck outta me. But it's all carefully calculated risks. She works it out in her head and then she goes for it. Doesn't even flinch. But you, I....I don't think she's

quite figured out how to take you on, yet. And that is so refreshing to me. It shows me that she knows she's not invincible." "Does she think that I'm bad for her?" "Ha...no. You just..scare her. In the best possible way."

That's strangely comforting.

"Hey Layne? I want to send her a picture. Maybe I'll make her a get-well sign really quick and take a picture with it or something. Can you make sure she sees it?" "Sure thing, Clarke. I think she'd love that."

***

10:32am - Clarke: [pic144.jpeg] 10:33am - Clarke: hope you feel better, soon. i'm sorry. 10:33am - Clarke: i miss u, charming.

***

The light in the hospital room was too bright. It made her eyes burn when she cracked them open, looking around for someone she knew. She shut her eyes as she felt a twinge of pain in her shoulder radiating to her collarbone. It wasn't unbearable. She'd been through worse. She opened her eyes again, turning her head over to find Layne, sitting beside the bed watching the TV attached to the wall opposite the foot of her bed. "Hey there, Champ. How ya feelin'?" He greets her like she's a kid again - ending up here after a fall from the monkey-bars. "It's fucking bright. What time is it?" She still felt like she was in a haze. Did they give her something? Was this still the alcohol?

Maybe I imagined it. Maybe it never happened.

"It's almost 2pm. You've been out for a while. Probably won't sleep for shit tonight. But you looked like you needed it. Beauty sleep and all, huh Fea?" "Shut the fuck up. Where's mom?" "She's here. She just went downstairs to get you a drink. She's gotta baby you and all.." "Yeah, I know. She acts like I'm still 3 years old." "You milk it, though. "

Wouldn't you??

"I kind of a do, I guess." "So........Clarke called." "She did?" She tries not to sound like she's been hoping for it. She tries to keep herself calm.

Find your center. Ground yourself.

She watches as he gets up and walks over to the bed, handing her the phone. It takes a minute to get the code right, fucking meds, but she finally gets it unlocked. 3 New Messages.

10:32am - Clarke: [pic144.jpeg] 10:33am - Clarke: hope you feel better, soon. i'm sorry. 10:33am - Clarke: i miss u, charming.

"Fuck."

Don't forget to breathe. Damnit, Woods - BREATHE! Oxygen is becoming an issue here!

Of all the words swimming around in her head, under the pharmaceutical fog, that's the only one that slipped past her lips in the split second it took for her to register that God had to be real because.....THIS GIRL. Her hair is the color of the sun and it reminds Lexa of all the mornings she'd spent on the beach watching the sunrise. Her eyes, a shade of carribbean blue that makes Lexa shift in the bed - the memory of water rushing around her, the feeling of trying to keep her head above the waves - but she can't remember ever feeling more exhilarated. Her pretty pink lips curved into the most exquisite smile that makes Lexa's heart race and she can hear the monitor dinging but she can't help it. She just can't help it because this girl is....

Perfect. Clarke is fucking perfect.

"Lex, hey....you've got to chill, the nurses are coming in here and you won't be able to go home!" "Layne, look at her. Just....that's her! That's m-that's Clarke!!" she says, shifting the phone in her hands so he can see, never loosening her grip. "Wow,..Lexa, she's...." "She's everything.." The blonde is holding a sign in the picture. It's small and she can tell right away that it was Clarke's own creation. "Time to rally, Commander!! xoxo Clarke G." It's bright and colorful and it makes Lexa wonder if she could do this with markers, what could this artist do with paint?? What masterpieces could she create? "Commander? Who is this girl talking about? Surely not my baby sister..." "I will end you." "Whatever. You should send her a picture back. Let her know you're feeling better, huh?" "Will you....can you take one for me?" "Yeah, sit up. Look human! You don't wanna scare her off, do you, Fea??"

02:15pm - Lexa: [pic168.jpeg] 02:15pm - Lexa: Look who's among the living ;) 02:16pm - Lexa: btw, the first thing she said when she saw ur pic was 'fuck'. u made her set the heart monitor thing off n everything. the nurses were not happy.

02:17pm - Lexa: being discharged now. she'll call u when she gets home. - Layne 02:20pm - Clarke: omfg!! XD awww, ok. be safe.

***

Raven's standing in the hallway, just outside her bedroom door with her blow-dryer in hand, yelling into the living-room where Clarke is STILL finishing packing. She had celebrated prematurely, not taking into account the mission that was tucking away their buried treasure.

The alcohol needs to be safe and that requires true swaddling finesse. You don't take chances with your booze. It's in the rule-book.

"Hey, Griffin, did O say what time we're leaving tomorrow?? Jasper said it's like 3 hours from here so I mean....we don't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, right?"

02:15pm - Lexa: [pic168.jpeg] 02:15pm - Lexa: Look who's among the living ;)

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! RAVEN!!!!" Clarke's scream causes her roommate to jump, dropping the blow-dryer, as she comes running down the hall. "WHAT HAPPENED??? WHAT'S WRONG?!?!"

02:16pm - Lexa: btw, the first thing she said when she saw ur pic was 'fuck'. u made her set the heart monitor thing off n everything. the nurses were not happy.

"LOOK!!! THAT'S HER! RAVEN!! That's....that's really her!" Clarke shoves the phone in Raven's face. Long chestnut brown curls, untamed and seeming to frame her face. Her sun-kissed face, and those full lips drawn up in a smirk that made Clarke's heart flutter. But those eyes - those intensely green, inexplicably piercing eyes - made Clarke whole body falter. Was this real? Was this happening...to her? Had this girl seriously just shortcircuited her brain? Why didn't she feel in control anymore? "Are. you. fucking. kidding. me??? That's it. Our fucking friendship is over. How the FUCK did you score that???! I scope out bars for hours every weekend before I decide to jump in and you go in blind and get HER?? Gati hates you, right now, Clarke!! and I do too!"

02:17pm - Lexa: being discharged now. she'll call u when she gets home. - Layne

"Raven.....she's..." Clarke doesn't mean for it to happen, but she's been waiting maybe a little too long for this and after everything last night she'll just blame it on the emotions. Before she realizes it, there's a single tear that rolls down her cheek. She's real. Lexa's real and she's there and she's so goddamn gorgeous that it's excruciating. And maybe that's why she's crying - it seems like as good a reason as any, taking in so much beauty that it makes your soul physically ache - but she's almost certain that it's because she feels like Lexa sending her this or having her brother send it for her...it means something. It means that she's forgiven. It means that she has a chance. And she feels the biggest sense of relief. "It's okay, Clarkey. I know what you mean." Raven offers, as Clarke wipes the tear away from her own check. "Now text them back! No more playing hard to get!"

02:20pm - Clarke: omfg!! XD awww, ok. be safe.

***

The song changes on her stereo and she can hear Anthony Hamilton's 'The Point of It All' start to play and she thinks, hmmm.. it's actually rather fitting.

(( Dialing: Clarke ))

"You green-eyed devil!" the blonde's voice is what Lexa imagines heaven probably sounds like. "I have missed you so much."

I feel like I've missed you my whole life....

"Hi, Clarke." She's trying not to smile, but she thinks of those big blue eyes and it's not even a fair fight. "How are you feeling? Did they treat you okay?" "I'm fine. They treated me fine. I just....feel stupid." "What happened?" "Stunt gone wrong. Imagine that. We were using one of the wakeboard ropes to swing from the tree into the pool. I got dared to go higher than everyone else. But, I went higher up in the tree than I was supposed to. When I jumped...the jerk of the rope...and the way I twisted just a little, it was a recipe for disaster. I felt it pop and....I tried to hold on with my right arm, but I hit the water and....that was all she wrote. It's alright though. It's not the worst thing." "Are you sure you're okay? I'm glad it wasn't worse. I assuming this means no wakeboarding for you this weekend, huh?" "Yeah...the nurse threatened me. She told me if she saw me in the ER again because I was dumb enough to push myself too far, too soon that she would withhold the 'goodies' when they had to reduce it. That is not a pain I would like to go through." "Sounds like it's going to be a Netflix marathon for you then. I wish I could be there to keep you company."

I wish you could too.

"You're just trying to worm your way into my bed. Now that I've seen that seductive grin of yours, ma'am....."

"Shut up. What about you and your.....your fucking...smolder. That half smirk and those smokey emerald eyes...like you can see right through me. I don't like it." "Yes you do." "Yes......I do." "I missed you too, Clarke."

Chapter 8: Gooey Chapter Text She was supposed to be sleeping. Octavia had made it clear that the caravan was leaving promptly at 8am. They'd argued about it at dinner - Raven had made a case for leaving around 10:30am or 11am, she hated being rushed to get up in the mornings and truthfully Clarke hated being the one to sound the alarm - but O had insisted that if they left at 8am they could be there and possibly settled by lunch time. She knew it was going to come early, but....Lexa. Thus, she laid there, texting instead of talking for fear of Raven's threats on her life if she woke her up. Patiently, Clarke continued to unravel the mystery of her.

11:38pm - Lexa: Full name? 11:39pm - Clarke: clarke abigail griffin. abigail is my mother's name. 11:39pm - Lexa: I like that. It suits you. ;) 11:40pm - Lexa: Lexa Arielle Woods. Arielle is pronounced R-E-L. 11:40pm - Clarke: lmao i like it <3 11:41pm - Clarke: birthday? 11:42pm - Lexa: Feb 26th (Pisces) 11:42pm - Clarke: sept 18th (virgo) 11:43pm - Clarke: we're totes compatible ;) 11:44pm - Lexa: I already knew that. Age? 11:45pm - Clarke: 23 and don't get sassy. 11:45pm - Lexa: 24 - I win ;) 11:46pm - Clarke: ooh, an older woman. me likey. but it's not a competition. settle down crouching tiger. 11:46pm - Clarke: first kiss?

11:48pm - Lexa: Tris, believe it or not. Tristyn Hale. We were 13. 11:49pm - Lexa: I was just starting to realize that I was having crushes on girls instead of boys. 11:50pm - Lexa: Tris grew up next door, we all hung out together. Layne dared me to kiss her. She punched me after. 11:51pm - Lexa: My lip was swollen for a week, I swear. 11:52pm - Clarke: awww baby lex, making the moves. lol 11:52pm - Clarke: dansen winters. i was 15. he was my mother's colleague's son. 11:53pm - Clarke: 2 years older than me. he had blonde hair and gold eyes and i thought he was dreamy. 11:54pm - Clarke: but it was horrible. too much saliva. 11:55pm - Lexa: first crush? 11:56pm - Clarke: ummm...two part question for me.... 11:56pm - Clarke: boy: van redden levesque. van redden was his combined first name. i was 10. 11:57pm - Clarke: he cut my hair one day in 4th grade. lol i liked him after that until he cut rachel graceland's hair 2 months later. 11:57pm - Clarke: girl: ashlee tonjes. around the same age. she shared her snacks everyday. 11:58pm - Clarke: it was a very confusing time for me ;) 12:00am - Lexa: I can imagine. 12:00am - Lexa: Arabella Vega. She was 18 and I was 16. She was my first, too. 12:02am - Clarke: how long were u together? 12:04am - Lexa: We weren't. It didn't exactly go well. 12:05am - Clarke: what happened? 12:11am - Lexa: I liked her. I didn't know she was gay, we didn't talk much. But I always thought she was pretty and funny. She lived down the street from us. One night she was drunk and she came knocking on my window asking me if she could hang out for a while until she was sure her folks were asleep. I said yeah. We were talking and watching a movie and she kissed me. She told me she'd like me for a long time. But, she didn't know about my...situation. She said she was okay, she was into it I thought. She even kissed me goodbye before she left. But we never spoke after that. She avoided me, I knew she did. I thought she was going to tell people. About me. But she didn't. She just didn't say anything at all. Ever.

12:12am - Lexa: Sorry for the novella 12:14am - Clarke: omg lexa :( 12:17am - Lexa: Honestly, Clarke, it's fine. It hurt, then. I started acting out. My parents were really worried. My mom finally got Layne to tell her what happened. I'd woken him up and told him that night after she'd left. After that, my mom was super protective of me. I'd bring female friends over and she would watch them like that shit was her job. She'd interrogate them; she was relentless. 12:17am - Clarke: does she do that to ur girlfriends now? 12:18am - Lexa: Never had one, really. But I'm sure her efforts would be amplified if I did. 12:18am - Clarke: u've never had a girlfriend? like ever? 12:19am - Lexa: Never. I met Benefits girl almost right after all that happened. Wasn't looking for anything more than physicality. 12:20am - Lexa: We hooked up a couple times over a span of 3 of 4 years - whenever we ran into each other. Like I said, not exactly in the same social circles, so...it was rare. 12:21am - Lexa: And then we just decided to make it a thing. Not a serious thing. But a thing. The only people that know are You, Layne, and Tris. 12:23am - Clarke: do u still see her? 12:24am - Lexa: I haven't since the last time I told you about us. When I was home last. 12:24am - Clarke: crush role-play?? 12:25am - Lexa: Yes, that was the last time. 12:26am - Clarke: do u plan on seeing her again? 12:26am - Lexa: I never plan on seeing her. It always just happened. She sees me in town and texts me. Or she'll call me out of the blue to see if I'm available and in close enough proximity. 12:27am - Clarke: oh...i see 12:28am - Lexa: Clarke, if you're asking if I'm going to have sex with her again, the answer is no. 12:30am - Clarke: y not? i mean, crush role-play sounds exciting. 12:31am - Lexa: There'd be no point. She was only pretending to be you, anyway. 12:32am - Clarke: u think ur slick huh? ;) 12:32am - Lexa: Dame un beso ;) 12:33am - Clarke: what does that mean?

12:33am - Lexa: Give me a kiss. 12:35am - Clarke: [pic152.jpeg] 12:36am - Lexa: Gah, You're so beautiful. 12:37am - Clarke: ur making me blush. 12:38am - Lexa: Picture or it never happened 12:40am - Clarke: [pic153.jpeg] 12:42am - Lexa: I was right. 12:43am - Clarke: right? about what? 12:43am - Lexa: I do like you better when you're blushing ;) 12:44am - Clarke: u shut ur charming mouth right now! >.< 12:45am - Clarke: i'm so mad I have to go to bed soon :/ 12:45am - Lexa: Early morning? 12:46am - Clarke: we leave for the beach house at 0800, commander 12:47am - Lexa: You driving? 12:48am - Clarke: o's boyfriend lincoln is driving his jeep. i'll be hitching a ride with him, o, and harper. bel (o's brother) is driving with his girlfriend and raven. our other friend jasper is bunking with them as well. 12:50am - Lexa: Just be safe. How long will it take you to get there? Do you have to drive all day? 12:51am - Clarke: jasper said it'll be around 3 hours. o's hoping to get there and be settled before lunch time so we can go to the beach and relax after the drive. 12:51am - Lexa: That's not horrible then. How many bags did Raven finally settle on? 12:53am - Clarke: i can't talk about it. i had nightmares last night about all of her bags falling on top of me. #pancakestatus 12:55am - Lexa: Tell her if something happens to you because of her luggage, I will give her a permanent vacation swimming with the fishes ;) 12:56am - Clarke: threats like that might actually turn her on 12:56am - Lexa: And does it turn you on? 12:57am - Clarke: sha, commander ;) 12:58am - Lexa: Heda

12:58am - Clarke: what? 12:59am - Lexa: Heda means Commander. 01:00am - Clarke: ur name is officially getting changed in my contacts. right fucking now. 01:02am - Heda: Learn it and love it, because the next time I hear you moan for me I expect you to use it ;) 01:03am - Clarke: holy fuck. ok i'm going to bed right now before i'm not able to, anymore. ughhh 01:04am - Heda: Reshop, Prisa (Goodnight, Princess) 01:05am - Clarke: reshop, heda <3

Chapter 9: Beware the Dog Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "Clarke." Raven's voice calls to her from the doorway of her room.

No. It's not time yet.

"Clarke!" The voice is closer now.

5 more minutes!!!!

"CLARKE, GET YOUR FUCKASS UP!!" This time it's accompanied with a pillow hitting her in the face. "Blakes & Co. are gonna be here in like 15 minutes and we have to be ready to bug out. You're still wallowing in the wet-spot Vamonos! I don't wanna hear Octavia's shit this morning."

Ugh. Alright, FUCK!

"I'm up! I'm fucking up! God, Raven, I was nice to you and everything last night! Texting Lex instead of talking because I was afraid I'd wake you. And yet you still come in here, all violence and scathing words...You're a horrible wake-up call." She throws the covers off her, and sits up before turning to let her feet hang off the bed. Raven is standing in front of her shaking her head, hands dancing in front of her body, palms out towards Clarke. "Griffin, if you had spent your night sleeping instead of using EVERY TOY IN YOUR NAUGHTY DRAWER then maybe you'd be a little bit more chipper this morning," her roommate scolds her wittily.

OH MY GOD!! She heard me?!?!

"RAVEN! SHUT UP!!" "Absolutely not. I'm just glad I'm not holed up with you this week." She leaves the room, headed down the hall to the bathroom. "Says the girl who PACKED her entire naughty drawer." Clarke yells, making sure her friend hears her. "At least I'm leaving mine at home like a respectable housemate." "Ummm, I don't know why." Raven's visage appears at her door again, hand resting on the doorframe, the rest of her body hidden on the other side of the wall. "O's gonna be loud as fuck. You might as well join in on the chorus." "Oh my fucking God, Raven! HUSH!!!" "What?? Not int-" her eyes brows quirk up. "NO! DO NOT FINISH THAT! My personal paraphernalia is staying here. I'll just....find a sand dune of solitude on the beach to call my own if I need to get away for a while." "Oh, come on, now. Where's your sense of adventure, Clarke? Where's the camaraderie?" "That ended when you came in here this morning hitting me in the face with pillows." "#1. Pillow. Singular. You're not that special to deserve two." she says, one finger raised in the air before adding a second. "#2. You liked it when Lexa's fine ass threatened you with it. Such double standards, Griff."

Shots fired! Defend your her honor!!

"Don't talk about m-Lexa like that!"

"You haven't locked that down yet. Listen, if you haven't made it official by the time you two do actually meet, then I cannot be held accountable for Gati's powers of persuasion." She moves into the doorway more, hands gesturing towards her pelvis. "She's a beast, Clarke. You've seen her in attack mode."

Oh, HELLLLL NO! Bitch I-

"UH UH! You and Gatita need to rein it in and stay the fuck away from my bae!" "Whatever, selfish!" The brunette throws a shirt at her. "Put some clothes on, put your hair up, and brush your teeth, please. For me. That work out last night and that filthy language - most of which, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to google later - it's left your breath polluted!"

Whatever, I wasn't tha- Oh, fuck. My bad.

They're both busy gathering their things, making sure everything is centrally located by the door for when their friends arrive. She waits until Raven goes to the bathroom to pull out her phone and send out a good morning text. She smiles thinking that it will be the first thing Lexa sees when she wakes up.

07:56am - Clarke: morning <3 i'm up and moving. waiting for my carriage to arrive. and all I can think about is u. hope ur enjoying the luxury of sleep being afforded to u. i also hope ur dreaming of me :)

***

She's not sure how exactly she got Octavia to agree to give up shotgun, but either way she's positioned herself perfectly to maintain control of the Aux chord and, therefore, their listening experience for today's trip. Yes, she thinks. Sweet victory. They're currently enjoying Alessia Cara's 'Wild Things' and for the past 30 minutes, Clarke has been ever so aware of Octavia's eyes burning a hole through the back of her skull. She knows she wants to ask. She knows Raven has spilled the beans and that O is itching to see this...Lexa...in the flesh (digitally, of course).

However, it's Lincoln who breaks first, surprisingly. Clarke never really thought he cared much for her. They were cordial to each other, but she wasn't sure if that was more for Octavia's sake than theirs.

"So O tells me you've got yourself a long-distance love." "Umm, well yes and no. I wouldn't say...I wouldn't say that it's love. I mean, not quite yet. But it's definitely something. And actually I....I don't know that it's long distance. For all I know, she could live 5 minutes down the block from us. We just haven't gone over that yet. Baby steps, though." "At least you know what she looks like now." Octavia finds her opportunity to jump in. She and Harper are holding hands in the backseat of the Lincoln's 4-door Jeep Wrangler. "O's aggressive," Harper giggles, "but she understands the importance of patience, too. Don't let her fool you. Take your time, Clarke. There's no need to rush and fumble." "Raven said she's a stunt-woman." Lincoln says, finally meeting Clarke's gaze for a moment. "That's pretty kickass in my book. She and 'the babe' would probably get along really well. Don't you think, Harp?" "For sure!" the girl answers, nodding her head and turning a giddy smile towards Octavia. "She is. She's home on a break right now. Waiting for her next job. But yeah she does TV and movies. I keep meaning to ask her what TV shows she's worked on but we always get caught up on something else.." "Yeah, Raven said the sexual-tension struggle is real!" her friend laughs, wiggling her eyebrows from the back. "Oh my God. Seriously, I'm beginning to think she wants me..." Clarke jokes. "Umm, no, Griffin, she wants FineStud!-Exhibitionist Lexa!" O can't contain her snickering, and her partners share in the sentiment. "Fuck-out! I've already told her, Heda is off-limits! I WILL cut a bitch!"

FUCK, did you just call her Heda in front of them??! Lord, help.

"Heda???" Lincoln gives her the side-eye. "A pet name, I'm assuming?" "It means...Commander. In Trigedasleng. It's one of three languages she speaks." Clarke answers, hearing her friend's audible gasp behind her. "Babe!" Lincoln's eyes focus on O's in the mirror again, "How come you never call me anything like that??!"

"Because she already has a 'Captain'!" Harper quips, much to their girlfriend's amazement. "YOU TWO, SHUT IT!!" Octavia warns. "Clarke, I'm beginning to see why Raven hates you." They all laugh at that.

It's almost disgusting how cute the three of them are. Octavia and Harper in the back, sharing glances with each other, smiling and laughing. You'd think they didn't care about anyone else in the car. But Clarke knows by the 10 or so times she's seen Lincoln lock eyes with her friend in the rear view mirror, she knows by the way Harper grins widely as she watches O wink at her boyfriend and blow him kisses, there's something spectacular about their relationship. How supportive they are of each other, how close they are without feeling congested or smothered. It's lovely, watching her friend in love. And it occurs to her, just then, that where she used to be a tad salty about their little 'Trifecta of Love', now all she can think of is how she believes Lexa would probably blow her kisses and how she's almost certain of the divine pleasure it would be to hold her hand. A new song starts to play - 'Drive' by Glades - and Clarke leans her head back against the headrest, letting the music sweep her away.

10:24am - Heda: Good morning, Sunshine! I hope you're enjoying the road-trip. Don't forget to roll the windows down, rest your bare feet on the edge, and enjoy the breeze it's an unwritten rule ;) 10:25am - Heda: P.S. My dreams always seem to feature you, lately.

Hmmph, maybe it is love. <3

***

She woke up to a text from Clarke and it felt like instant sunshine radiating through her whole body. When did that start?, she wonders. Has it been like that and I'm only just noticing? She hears the last few bars of 311's 'All Mixed Up' before the all too familiar guitar intro to Sublime's 'Santeria' plays through the speakers. She composes her text glad there's no one around to tease her about the dopey smile she's wearing - and pushes send.

10:24am - Heda: Good morning, Sunshine! I hope you're enjoying the road-trip. Don't forget to roll the windows down, rest your bare feet on the edge, and enjoy the breeze it's an unwritten rule ;) 10:25am - Heda: P.S. My dreams always seem to feature you, lately.

Not even a minute later, her mother is pushing open her door, and entering her bedroom. It's a mother's intuition, really. They know when you're weak and susceptible - when your guard is down. That's how they get you.

EVERY TIME.

"Good morning, Pauna!" Her mother's voice is strong but the greeting sounds like a song, and it's one she reserves only for her. "Morning, Mama." "How's your shoulder?" she asks, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "Did you sleep alright last night?" "Yeah. It's okay, doesn't hurt anymore, really. My ego hurts worse." Her mother smiles at her, reaching out a hand to lay it over her's, before she pushes further.

10:28am - Clarke: u make me blush too easily. 10:28am - Clarke: also, i miss the fuck outta u >.< 10:29am - Heda: I miss you too :) How's the drive?

"So, tell me about this girl. Clarke. How did you meet her?"

10:30am - Clarke: its longer than i'd like. but i have been granted control of the aux so....#winning

10:31am - Heda: What are you listening to now?

Of course she wants the whole story. She's preparing for her interrogation. If there ever is one.... God, I hope there is one....

"She sent me a text. Actually, she her friend a text, asking about a party, and it happened to reach me. Her friend changed his number so....I guess it was just a big coincidence that she got me instead. And that we continued talking." "How long have you been talking?"

10:32am - Clarke: raging - kygo,kodaline 10:32am - Clarke: makes me think of u

"A year. Almost. Sometimes it feels like it's only been a month; sometimes it feels like I've known her my whole life."

10:33am - Heda: I know it. and, I have to say, the feeling is mutual.

"She must be something special, then." Her mother's deep brown eyes search her face. She's looking for any sign of breaking.

10:34am - Clarke: u give me crazy butterflies <3 u busy today?

Do not waver in your conviction.

"She is, Mama. She's breathtaking."

10:35am - Heda: Staying home today. Currently spending quality time with my mom.

"Lexa, I want to meet her." It is neither a request nor a suggestion. Her tone is more assertive. She used her given name, and that means she is all business. "She doesn't live here Ma, so, that will be difficul-" "I know that," she interrupts, "but I am a patient woman. And if this is to continue, I will expect a meeting."

10:37am - Clarke: tell ur mom I said hi :) if she even knows who i am

Be respectful. Clarke is not like everyone else. She doesn't scare easy. That's why you like her.

"Yes, ma'am."

10:38am - Heda: She does and I will ;)

"I love you. That means I worry about you. It's a mother's job. And despite what your brother says, I do the same to him. Which is why he stays away unless you're here. He's a master of deflection, that one. I just want you to be happy. You've always been the risk-taker...it scares me when you jump into things, sometimes." "I know. I love you too. And I promise, if this continues as I hope it will, you will meet her. Trust me. You'll like her, Nomon." "If you do, I'm sure I will, too." Her mother leans in, raising her hand to grasp the back of her neck and pull her forward, letting their foreheads touch. "Nou fir yu raun, hodnes. If she's as extraordinary as you say, take the chance."

10:40am - Clarke: ride - twenty-one pilots 10:40am - Clarke: i swear all I can think about is those hazy green eyes of urs

"Even if I crash?" Lexa says pulling away. "Since when has a tumble ever scared you?"

10:41am - Heda: You should see them in person..

10:42am - Clarke: i can honestly say i'd like nothing more

"She said to tell you hi, by the way." "Tell her I said she's invited to dinner. Whenever she is able and ready. I'm going to go start on lunch, Pauna. You've already missed breakfast, and you better not spoil your appetite between now and the time I'm done cooking!" "Love you, ma!" "Seintaim."

10:43am - Heda: Consider this an invitation :)

Notes: 'Pauna' - gorilla, used as a nickname given to Lexa by her mother (Indra) 'Nomon' - Mother 'Nou fir yu raun, hodnes' - Don't be afraid, love. 'Seintaim' - means 'same time - same thing - same - you too - ditto'

Chapter 10: Surprise Yourself Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text 12:17pm - Clarke: stopped at a cafe having lunch. haven't made it to the beach house yet. o's too hungry to go on. we have to quell the raging beast within. 12:18pm - Clarke: current song on my phone is.....fool - borns, btw <3 12:20pm - Heda: Oooh, I like that song! What are your plans for tonight? 12:22pm - Clarke: party tonight :) and then a late night phone call with u.

"O, for the last time, Gina's getting directions now. The party's not until 8. Drop it!" Bellamy and Octavia have been arguing for the past 20 minutes that they've been seated at this cafe on the beach. "Bel, I don't want to get lost! I plan on pre-gaming before I get to a party with a bunch of strangers. I wanna make sure I'm fully loaded before people approach me." she argues, shoving a strawberry from her fruit-cup into her mouth.

"As if people would ACTUALLY approach you with that resting bitchface of yours." His retort only fuels her hate-fire. "Fuck you, Bel. I'm here because of you. I'm just trying to make it as enjoyable as possible." "Well....you brought plenty to keep you busy," he says with a smirk, gesturing to Lincoln and Harper. "Yes, big brother, I brought my partners. We're a team. A package deal. Like those fucking packs of plastic silverware. And you know what, Bel, I'm the knife. So keep it up!"

12:25pm - Heda: Oooh, late night phone call? Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Griffin? 12:26pm - Clarke: bitch, i might be <3 jk

"Clarke, you're going to the party, right? Raven said she wasn't sure if you'd go or just stay at the house and unpack..." She looks up to see Bellamy looking at her, his question lingering in the air between them. "Duh, I'm going. When have you seen me turn down free alcohol??" "Atta girl, Griffin! That's what I like to hear! Alright! Everybody ready?" "TO THE BEACHHOUSE!!" Raven yells from her seat next to Jasper. "I'm ready to find my spot in the sand and unwind!"

12:28pm - Heda: Somebody's getting fresh ;) Watch yourself ma'am. 12:28pm - Clarke: come at me, heda!

Clarke didn't even notice him until she heard the clanging of the chair against the table. She glanced up to notice she had almost ran into him - Thank God he'd been paying attention. She smiled at him, his forest green eyes were wide and staring at her, his short tight chestnut colored curls, a wide toothy grin that surprised her as much as his presence there. He's not bad to look at, but he seems far too cocky for her taste, and she just keeps thinking about how she really does adore that impossible grey-green shade of Lexa's eyes.

"Sorry, I....I should have been watching where I was going." she tried.

But he offered nothing back to her as he inched between her and the table, making his way past and towards the counter and the girl behind it. She's gorgeous. Long amber colored hair, highlights strewn throughout, and her skin is perfectly tan - Clarke's sure she has no tan lines at all. Her eyes are a light brownish hazel, her lips are plump and soft in appearance, and her teeth are flawlessly straight. She has tiny diamond studs lining her right ear - from lobe all the way up to the top of the cartilage before it curves back to meet her head. Her ear lobes are stretched and she has white silicone looking tunnels in. Her nose is pierced - again, a tiny diamond stud resting there on her left nostril. They act like a couple - he leans over the counter to kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. She stares at him, eyebrows raised and mouth gaping, like he's just said something incredibly inappropriate but she kind of likes it. And then both sets of eyes are trained on Clarke.

12:30pm - Heda: Ha. Don't tempt me, Clarke. You'll never see it coming. ;)

Clarke turns - avoiding eye contact and the embarrassment of being caught staring and makes her exit, thinking about what it would feel like for Lexa to kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear like that.

It could happen someday, right?

***

GroupText: || KongedaKru || 12:33pm - LaynO: 911 fea. TOTALLY just saw a clarke clone. 12:34pm - Tr!s: le-fuckin-git, lexacoon 12:35pm - LeXXX: What are you talking about? And stop calling me that. 12:35pm - LaynO: she was just here. almost got her number. thought we could double date :) 12:36pm - Tr!s: wutever he didnt even talk to her , LEXACOON!! 12:36pm - LaynO: I gave her 'the eyes' ;) 12:37pm - Tr!s: that works for literally no 1 12:38pm - LeXXX: I hate you both. Just so you know.

12:38pm - Tr!s: ooh, uh uh, i was just giving u a heads up, fucker. sumbodys walkin around witcha girlfrands face. 12:39pm - LaynO: u could always.....ahem ahem.....it wouldn't really be cheating, right? if they're clones? 12:40pm - Tr!s: did u just 'ahem ahem'. jackass 12:40pm - LaynO: shut it tris. FEA! im serious. identical. we need to find her again. 12:45pm - LaynO: FEAAAA 12:48pm - LaynO: alllll byyyyy my selllllfffffffff 12:48pm - LeXXX: CALLATE, BICHO! 12:49pm - LaynO: ANNNNNDDD ur back ;) 12:49pm - AHN: wait, who the fuck is clarke? 12:50pm - LaynO: fea's girlfriend/crush/bae/wifey/spankbankmatieral/all of the above (or...beside?) 12:50pm - LeXXX: Oh my God. 12:51pm - LeXXX: Shut the fuck up Layne! 12:51pm - Tr!s: i support laymO's statement ^^ 12:51pm - AHN: why haven't i met her? tf goufa?! I thought we were cool. 12:52pm - LaynO: oh shit lexa's in trouble. guess whos NOT invited to tonights festivities 12:52pm - LeXXX: Call me, Anya. 12:54pm - LaynO: umm...the clone? 12:56pm - LaynO: she's got a nice rack. js. i'd hit it. 12:56pm - LaynO: tap it. 12:57pm - LaynO: bump it. 12:57pm - LaynO: hump it. 12:57pm - LaynO: poke it. 12:57pm - LaynO: stroke it. 12:58pm - LeXXX: SHUT UP!!!

***

"What's this girl's name, anyway?" Raven asks, looking at Octavia in the mirror. "Anya. She roomed with Gina in college. They've kept in touch over the years....what's it been, 12 years or so? But she's getting ready to move over seas. Accepted some job for some private security company. Apparently they're offering her a small fortune and the opportunity to move up the ranks after 6 months. Gina says she's some GI Jane Barbie or something. I've seen pictures - she's fucking hot. Just saying."

07:40pm - Heda: You ready to get turnt up? ;) 07:42pm - Clarke: [pic167.jpeg] 07:42pm - Clarke: what do u think? ;)

"OOH I'm sooooo gonna need you to point her out to me, O. Gati is already anxious to meet her." "Fuck you, Raven. I'm not playing matchmaker for your pussoir!" "Come on, Octavia! It'll be my going-away present to her." "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!" "Which is why it's the best gift. I don't know her well enough to buy her anything so....why not give the gift that keeps on giving?" "What?...and STI...??"

They both laugh before turning to Clarke who's silent, sitting on the bed in her temporary bedroom. And this is the position she can be found in too often, now. Head down, eyes focused on her phone, smiling to herself, lost in the moment, with her.

"Earth to Clarke!!" Raven snaps her fingers and waves her hand in her face. "What's with you? Get your head in the game."

07:44pm - Heda: Fuck, I don't think you should go out. I think you should stay in and talk to me...

I wish that were an option...

"I'm in it Rae. I'm ready to back you up with this...Anya." She's distant and she knows that her friends can tell, but her head is spinning.

07:45pm - Clarke: it's too early for phone sex, heda. that comes later tonight. 07:45pm - Heda: And so will you ;)

Lord, give me strength.

"Whatever Griffin. Your mind is otherwise occupied. You can't be trusted to Wing for me. I'm gonna be forced to have Jasper do it. Hopefully we get the witty, endearing side of him tonight instead of the fucking jackass."

07:46pm - Clarke: ok fuck maybe i should stay in. >.< 07:46pm - Heda: Ha. Go out and have fun, Prisa. I'll still be here when you get back. I have some festivities of my own con la Kongeda. 07:47pm - Clarke: kongeda?

"So, how are things with Lexa?" Octavia's direct. She doesn't skate around the issue, and when she wants information, she usually gets it. "You two are gonna meet, right?? Because if not, I'm having a hard time seeing all of this as anything more than a waste of time."

It's not a waste of time. I'm happy. I could be happier, yes, but I'm good now, too :)

07:49pm - Heda: Literal translation is like.....'coalition/alliance'. But we use it as 'family'. Not necessarily blood related.

07:50pm - Clarke: i like that <3 i also like learning little things about you....here and there. 07:53pm - Heda: I'd love to teach you more sometime.

"Yes O," she replies, finally looking up at her friend. "I want to meet her. And I'm sure she's into the idea of us meeting as well. But....we haven't exactly broached the topic yet."

Why haven't we?

07:54pm - Clarke: do u realize that it's almost been a year since we started talking/texting? 07:54pm - Heda: Tomorrow will be 1 year, exactly ;)

Are you fucking kidding me??? Oh my God. She remembered. Fuck, she kept count. <3333

07:55pm - Clarke: u remembered? 07:56pm - Heda: How could I forget?

"Come on bitches, let's go!!" Octavia yells like she's rounding up troops for battle. "IT IS TIME!!"

07:58pm - Clarke: goddamnit lexa u are too fucking charming <3 07:59pm - Clarke: just when i think i can't want u anymore than i do and then u go and do romantic shit like that.... 08:01pm - Heda: Yo te quiero tambien 08:02pm - Clarke: translation please 08:02pm - Heda: I want you too

You've got me. You've fucking got me.

***

08:48pm - LaynO: houston, tenemos un problema. answer me now!!!! 08:50pm - LeXXX: You have my attention... 08:51pm - LaynO: donde estas? que haces ahorita? 08:51pm - LeXXX: En la casa. Getting ready to leave. I told An I'd be 'fashionably late'. Why? Que te pasa? 08:53pm - LaynO: costia is here. 08:53pm - LeXXX: WHAT THE FUCK LAYNE!!! I thought they didn't talk anymore?? 08:55pm - LaynO: yeahhhhh i didn't kno until i got here, sooo. apparently anya told stitch it'd be okay to invite her. 08:58pm - LeXXX: FUCK. FUCKK. FUCKKKKKK. 08:59pm - LaynO: tranquilo. its fine. i'll just run interference. 09:03pm - LeXXX: I'm not going. I can't. 09:05pm - LaynO: fea, get ur fuckass here. esto es kongeda. there's a billion people here. u won't even see each other. 09:08pm - LeXXX: I can't do it. I'll apologize to Anya later. 09:15pm - LaynO: whatever. i hope she dislocates ur other shoulder. fucker. 09:18pm - LeXXX: Gee, thanks asshole. But thanks for the heads up. Love you 09:18pm - LaynO: seintaim

***

The party was bigger than Clarke had thought it would be. This girl's family had rented a house on the beach for the weekend for her to party it up before she left. There were people EVERYWHERE. The music was good though. She could never complain about good tunes. Plenty of free drinks, too. She had danced with Raven and O. She'd even danced with Harper but Octavia had cut that short after about a minute, claiming that she hadn't danced with 'Soccer Stud' all night. Lincoln was actually with Bellamy, surprising considering how much shit Bellamy talked about him for 'defiling' his baby sis. Jasper played wing-man for Raven for a while, and after securing Raven no less than 4 numbers, he politely ditched his duties to play beer pong on the back patio. And thus, Clarke was left to fend for herself. She'd met this girl who called herself Echo, she was here with her boyfriend Nyko who was playing lifeguard at the moment, and they were actually having a conversation about their art influences when she heard her phone ding.

11:32pm - Heda: I propose a game of SnapTag ;)

What?? LOL She's so fucking random. What a weirdo?! I love that weirdo!

11:33pm - Clarke: and how do u propose we play this snaptag? ;)

***

She'd stayed at home, laying around trying to keep herself occupied waiting for Clarke to text her. She'd nearly fallen asleep so she, instead, had reached out to Clarke. When she suggested a game of SnapTag, she wasn't sure that the blonde would be interested or sober enough to comprehend the concept but then again, drunk snaps are fucking funny as shit. Seemed like a win-win.

11:33pm - Clarke: and how do u propose we play this snaptag? ;) 11:34pm - Heda: Well, you take a picture and send it. And then I reciprocate. 11:34pm - Heda: It can be a picture of anything. Just take a picture and send it. 11:35pm - Heda: But you cannot repeat. If you take a picture of your feet, you cannot then take another picture of your feet from a different angle or anything like that. 11:36pm - Heda: Has to be a different subject each time. Are you game? I'm stuck at home. Family festivities fell through. And I don't want to keep you from your party so...

11:37pm - Heda: I figured I could feel like I was there with you. Or that you were here with me. 11:37pm - Clarke: u are too fucking cute. yes. i'm game. u go first!

Lexa snapped a photo of her legs stretched out on her bed, bare feet showing.

11:38pm - Heda: [pic179.jpeg] 11:40pm - Clarke: [pic168.jpeg]

Clarke had sent a picture of her feet, clad in white flip flops, with her toes nails painted a nice pearlescent white. Lexa decided to reply with a picture of her guitar in the corner of the room.

11:42pm - Heda: [pic180.jpeg] 11:44pm - Clarke: [pic169.jpeg]

Clarke's snap in return was of the palm of her hand, holding a tiny white shell. Lexa snapped a photo of her Bob Marley poster on the wall by her door.

11:45pm - Heda: [pic181.jpeg] 11:47pm - Clarke: [pic170.jpeg]

The blonde replied with a picture of drink - a blue mixed drunk with a purple top layer and tiny pink umbrella. She retorted with a picture of her beer.

11:49pm - Heda: [pic182.jpeg]

***

"Gimme just a sec, Echo. I need to selfie for my bae." Clarke joked and Echo laughed, waving her hand, palm-up, in front of her as if to say 'Be my guest.'

Aww, I look cute :) Tag, Bae! You're it!!

***

It was Clarke's next snap back that made her pause.

11:51pm - Clarke: [pic171.jpeg]

What the....??

It was a selfie. And God, she looked positively ethereal with her hair down and wavy, a flower tucked by her ear where her hair was tucked back, and that bright smile that made Lexa's whole world quake. But it was the person in the background that made Lexa do a double take.

Is that Echo???

The ombre hair, eyebrows on point, deep amber eyes, and FUCK. She was wearing Stitch's necklace around her neck - the fish skeleton made of thin wire.

Wait......that........that means......the fucking beach-house.....the party.....FUCKKKKK!!!! The Clarke clone!!! Clarke is here!!!!! Get your fuckass up and get to that party!! Costia be damned!!

She snapped a picture of her living room and then another of her face as she ran out the door. Clarke fucking Griffin had been just down the road from her all this time.

5 minutes, Woods. Keep calm for 5 fucking minutes.

11:54pm - Heda: [pic183.jpeg]

***

Clarke opened the message to see a picture of what appeared to be Lexa's parents living room, maybe? She looked around and decided to get a quick picture of the party lights around her. They were strung up over her head and all along the patio. Leaning back, she captured as much of the ambiance as she could.

11:56pm - Clarke: [pic172.jpeg]

***

Lexa was practically running down the sidewalk, now. The neon colored board-short she'd chosen to lounge in were making a swishing sound as she picked up the pace. Her feet hurt, the flip flops burning a blister between her toes. But she didn't slow down. She ran until she reached the front of the rental that her parents had gotten for her cousin's last weekend in town. She could see the lights in the back of the property, the music was loud and - Layne had been right - there were far too many people here for any of them to even notice her. She stood there, sending her reply selfie to Clarke before she continued around the side of the house to blend with the crowd.

11:58pm - Heda: [pic184.jpeg]

***

Clarke stood up to walk towards the edge of the patio, leaving Echo in a conversation another girl named Emorie. She was thinking of the next snap she'd send when she received Lexa's reply.

Oh my God, she's soooo fucking gorgeous!! unnfffff!! Okay, time to show you my view , Commander Hotstuff :)

***

Lexa pushed through the crowd of people, searching for blonde in a sea of brunette and auburn hair. She hadn't seen Layne, or Anya. Hadn't even looked for Costia. There was too much going on to focus. She could hear J.Cole's 'Power Trip' playing and the bass pounded in her chest but she couldn't feel the difference between it and her heart right now. All she knew was that she had to find her. That she couldn't breathe right until she found her. And then....there she was. Standing at the edge of the concrete, raising her phone to take a picture of the beach. From where she stood, Lexa used her own phone to take a quick picture of her and began to compose her next message, waiting for Clarke's before she sent it.

Stay calm, Lex. Just stay calm. Wait for your moment.

12:01am - Clarke: [pic173.jpeg]

She didn't even open it before she sent hers.

12:02am - Heda: [pic185.jpeg]

She watched as Clarke fumbled with her phone and drink before dropping the phone, cursing at herself repeatedly while bending down to pick it up. Lexa stood behind her, barely 3 feet away trying to control her breathing, as she watched the girl unlock the phone and then she couldn't stand it anymore. She walked up, inching closer, until she was not even a foot behind her, and she saw the blonde's body go rigid.

"Everybody needs a good profanity-laced rant sometimes." She says, mimicking their first conversation. "I thought yours was subtle. Classy, even."

She watched as the girl turned, big blue eyes watery as they met her green ones, causing her heart to stop, completely, for a second before beating again.

"Tag, Clarke. You're it."

Notes: 'CALLATE, BICHO!' - SHUT UP, BUG! 'houston, tenemos un problema.' - houston, we have a problem 'donde estas? que haces ahorita?' - where are you? what are you doing right now? 'En la casa. Que te pasa?' - At the house. What's wrong? 'esto es kongeda' - this is family [combination of Spanish and Trig]

Chapter 11: Whole Lotta Lovin' Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text It took Clarke all of 3 seconds – 1 second to process that this was Lexa, 1 second to realize what was happening, and 1 second to figure out what she was going to do about it – before she was leaping into the brunette’s arms. Her own arms thrown around Lexa’s neck, holding on for dear life, she wrapped her legs around her waist as the girl’s hands gripped under her thighs to hold her steady. She buried her face between Lexa’s head and her right arm trying to hide her tears, but her audible sobs and the way her chest shuttered told the story of how overwhelmed she truly was. “What took you so long?” she managed to get out between sniffles. She felt Lexa’s body shake with a soft laugh before she felt the vibrations of her words throughout her chest. “I got lost.” She said planting a kiss on the exposed skin just below the blonde’s neck. Clarke giggled, nuzzling the side of her face against Lexa’s ear and her hair. “How do you know you’re not still lost?” She felt the girl’s hands squeeze at her thighs as she spoke. “I feel like I’ve been lost my whole life until now.” Clarke pulled back to face her, those wide hunter green eyes that she could have sworn were lighter in pictures but now seemed so deep and dark like a hurricane brewing. She felt herself swept up in the winds of the storm and all she could do was lean forward to kiss the brunette’s temples, one and then the other, as she wrapped her mind around it all. She brought her hands to either side of Lexa's face, rubbing her thumbs over her cheeks and jawbone, taking in how very real it all was.

"God, you're perfect. You know that?" And this time it was Lexa's turn to bridge the gap. She didn't even give the blonde a chance to think before she closed the distance, crashing their lips together. She flicked her tongue over Clarke's top lip, pressing her lips there, almost sucking on it before Clarke's mouth opened and invited her in. Clarke was surprised how natural it felt to kiss her. She was surprised how at-home Lexa's tongue felt slipping into her mouth like she was sneaking her secrets. She moaned into the kiss and it seemed to spur the brunette on because she nipped at her bottom lip and Clarke felt her thighs clench around her waist.

Okay, gotta get down. This can't happen here. Get it together Griffin. She moved her legs to get down, and she felt Lexa’s palms glide from her thighs to her ass cheeks and then up to her small of her back. “Follow me..?” Lexa asked. “Anywhere.” It was the only answer she would EVER have for this girl.

I will follow you anywhere.

***

They had made it to the front of the house where there was a group of people leaving, now, and as they moved towards the sidewalk, Lexa in front of Clarke like she was in protector-mode, Clarke felt someone push past her from behind and charge at Lexa. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" the girl yelled at she pushed the brunette. "Costia? REALLY?! How long have you been holding on to this, Lex??! Are you a glutton for fucking punishment?!" Lexa turned, her eyes a dimmer shade than moments ago, her hands up in front of her. "Anya! Wait...I.....I can explain. Now is.....not the time." "OH NO! I think now is the PERFECT time because I'm getting ready to leave and I'd like to know everything before I cut you BOTH off!" Clarke stood there, hoping to blend in with her surroundings, a crowd of onlookers gathering for the show. She wasn't sure what or who this girl was to Lexa - Benefits girl, maybe? - but she knew she was livid. And by the look on Lexa's face, she could tell that this was something she'd been hoping to avoid. For a while, probably.

Who is Costia? What the fuck is going on? How does Lexa know this girl? How did she know I was here???

"Anya....this is private. We should talk about this in private. Like adults, not like little children." Lexa tried. "FUCK YOU! You don't get to come to my party, scoop up some blonde bitch, and 'peace out' like a little chicken-shit! AI LAIK YU KONGEDA! And you treat me like this?! After I stood up for you!! You go and fuck her sister?? MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND!! Who I dropped - without question - the minute you told me what happe-" "ANYA! DAUN STE PLENI!" It was an order if Clarke had ever heard one, and it was given by an older woman with dark skin and tight kinky curls on her head. She was smaller than the two arguing in front of everyone, but she was intimidating. The gawkers parted like the Red Sea to let her pass and she stood there, seething, glaring between Lexa and Anya. "Lexa, gon we houm! NAU!" "Nomon.." "NAU! Nou prom ai op!" Clarke didn't understand what the woman said, or who she was, but her words were biting - like a raging animal tearing at your heels as you ran. And that is exactly what Lexa looked like she wanted to do. Run. Clarke grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the sidewalk. They were two houses down before Lexa stopped and Clarke turned back to her. "Clarke, I'm so sorry you had to see that. I never thought....that it would be like this." "Who is she, to you? .....Anya?" the blonde questions. "She's my cousin. She lived with us for a while. Her mom and dad died when she was 11, so my parents took her in and she stayed there until she graduated high school and left for college. I was 12 when she left..." "That stuff about her best friend....what was that about?" "Costia. It's.....fucked up. God. FUCK! Its.....It's the reason I wasn't there sooner, tonight. When I told you that family plans changed....well....that's why. I wasn't going to go tonight - at all. But when I realized you were there, I didn't even think twice. I just....ran." "Why didn't you wanna be there? What does Costia have to do with anything from tonight? Lexa, I don't understand....you slept with her...but you told me-" "Costia is Benefits Girl. The two are one and the same. But Costia - or, Anacostia Vega also happens to be Arabella's older sister. She was best friends with Anya forever. We never hung in the same social circle's because she was older than me. 22 and I was 16. But one night, after everything had happened with Ari, I showed up a party and.....Costia asked me what I was doing there - told me that Anya would be pissed if she knew I was doing that kind of shit. I told her I didn't care and that....I just....wanted to not feel anything for a while. It just happened. She told me she was sorry about Arabella and told me that Anya had ended their friendship because she couldn't be 'tied to people who

didn't accept the one's she cared about' - didn't even give her a chance to argue. Still, it was a dick move, I know. And it should have ended there. But it didn't. As you know." "And....she was there....tonight? At the party?" "Yes, supposedly, though I didn't see her and I didn't go looking for her. I found out last minute, after I was already dressed and ready to leave my parent's. The girl in the picture with you, Echo, her boyfriend Stitch...er, Nyko...he invited Costia after Anya said it would be okay. She probably only said it because she thought it would be the last time they saw each other. She probably wanted to clear the air or something, I don't know. But anyways, Layne sent me a text saying Cos was there and.....I told him I couldn't go." "Is Anya the reason why....you and her don't have a relationship? More than....sex?" "What?? No. We're the reason we don't have a relationship more than sex. We didn't want a relationshi-" "Didn't?? Past tense...?" "Didn't...don't...haven't....won't....I don't want anything with her and visa versa." "Chill, Dr Seuss. I'm just....trying to process. I mean....that girl's sister broke your heart an-" "Clarke, she didn't break my heart. She hurt my feelings. There's a difference." "You said you liked her and then she.." "I did like her. I thought she was pretty and she was funny and at the time, I was young and that seemed like a lot. And it hurt like hell to think that she might have liked me back until she found out about me....but she didn't break my heart. She did me a favor, if anything." "What? Lexa, How-" "By showing me that the world is not kind to people like me. The world doesn't like different. It says that it does. Everything you see in the media celebrates uniqueness and authenticity - originality and loving your body and yourself. But it's bullshit. The world wants 'acceptable different'. The world likes 'different versions of the same thing'. NOT true difference. When people say, 'You should love yourself through it' they're talking about things like body weight or body image - thinking you're too fat, too skinny, too pale, too dark, too hairy, et-fucking-cetera. They're not talking about 'girl born with a penis'. The truth is Clarke, I'm not 100% female. I'm also not 100% male. I was taught that from a very early age. And for a long time, it really fucked me up inside thinking I didn't fit anywhere. I felt like a half-breed - like a mutt. But like I said. I'm not fucked up, anymore. I love myself - I love that I'm blended the way that I am. I accept that I have both female and male attributes to me and I'm truly comfortable with myself. But I don't go around parading who I am because I don't need to. The people who know me and love me are the only ones who matter to me. I don't waste time with people who have nothing to offer me but insults and inquisitions. So yes, she did me a favor, and I thank her EVERY DAY for showing me how to protect myself - how to be careful with my body and my heart. Because this world punishes those who don't follow the rules of the norm....even if their path is already determined for them."

"Why haven't we ever talked about this? In all of our secrets we've shared, you've never ONCE brought this up. When you first told me...you just kept saying 'everything else about me is female' like you felt you had to reassure me of that. Like you thought I couldn't or wouldn't accept you otherwise. And we haven't talked about it at all since not even in flirtation. I mean, Lexa, I just need to know how you feel about yourself and how you want me to address you. Even in our....sexy-time talk, I call you Charming and maybe that's too masculine for you, I don't know. You don't tell me. But, I could ditch that and just call you Heda. If that's what you want. If you want me to address you as female, I will continue to do so. If you want me to regard you as male, I will do so immediately. But you have to tell me what you want..." Lexa huffs and shakes her head, bringing her hands up to run them through her unkempt curls. "Clarke, I don't care. That's the thing. It doesn't matter to me. Those terms feel.....so small in the grand scheme of things. I identify as female but maybe that's just because I've only ever been treated as such. I don't know. And I don't over-analyze it, honestly. I just.....I've never had to think about this. I've never had a relationship to have to worry about whether my anatomy means I'm the girlfriend or...the boyfriend. Or partner or...whatever. I've never had to define whether I was gay or straight or queer or bisexual or whether my partners would be considered gay or straight because of their involvement with me. It's only ever been just me. And my family. But it's different with them. They don't differentiate. They never have. Maybe that's why I don't care. All I know is....this is not how I wanted our first meeting to go. Up until fucking...20 minutes or so ago, I had fully planned on walking you back to my parent's house and spending the entire night locked in my room with no one to bother us. I just wanted to be able to drink you in, Clarke. All of you. Like a glass of wine - sip by sip with no need to rush." Clarke moves forward, pressing the front of her body to Lexa's, wrapping her arms around the girl's neck and tangling her fingers in wild chestnut hair. "Clarke...I don-" "Lexa, I had to do something because...." She shoots her eyes down to Lexa's shorts and suddenly the brunette becomes aware of another big problem. "FUCK. Clarke, I'm....I'm sorry. Sometimes when I get....angry...it just...." she's rambling as she tries to pull her hips back and away. "Stop! You don't have to be embarrassed around me. I was only trying to keep it hidden from everyone around us. Because we're in public and that is inappropriate for ANYONE." She smiles. "It doesn't mean I don't like it, though. So stop apologizing. And don't you dare pull away from me! I just fucking got you!" Her hands reach down to pull Lexa's hips back to her with some force. "Clarke.." She swallows, her voice is thick, suddenly, with something Clarke hasn't heard from her before. "I'm really glad your here." "Me too, Lex. And I'm glad you told me all of that. I know it had to be hard for you. But Lexa, I'm not Arabella. I'm not going to run and hide. And I'm not Costia.." "I know..."

"Please," the blonde whispers, "don't try to compartmentalize me. I.....I don't want to be just sex to you....." "I don't think I could do that even if I tried...." she answers, earnestly. "Good, now come on, Charming. Take me to bed or lose me forever." She quotes it because she knows it's Lexa's favorite movie. Top Gun was discussed one night at great length during a drunken phone call initiated by Clarke as Lexa proceeded to explain exactly how she would attempt to pick up the blonde in a bar if given the chance. She'd told her countless times that her favorite parts of the movie were when Maverick serenaded the lead actress in the bar and when Goose's wife used the line she'd just quoted followed by him saying.... "Show me the way home..." They walk in silence for another hundred feet and Clarke speaks up again. "So can I call you mami or papi?" "WHAT?!" Lexa's head spins to look at the blonde. "Well, you're always saying shit in Spanish to me and....I wanted to say something back. So Raven said she usually just calls whoever she's with mami or papi when she can't think of anything else to say at the time or when she can't say anything else but that." she chuckles a bit, but continues "So would you prefer mami or papi?" "Honestly, Clarke, I don't care. Call me both - call me whatever comes out first. Whatever comes to mind at the moment. I just......want you to be comfortable. With me. I want it to just be......natural. Not forced or taught." "I understand. And I am comfortable, with you. it's funny but, I think of you as like...one of those angels. My dad used to show me paintings of these really feminine looking male angels. They look like women - large pecs that look like breasts, and curves, but...had male parts, too. You're like my own personal painting, come to life. And I'm sooooo into that. I'm sorry if that.....came out wrong. I'm just trying to say that.....I'm into you. All of you." "Did you just call me your angel?' the brunette teases. "I said you remind me of them. Shut up. Anyways, I actually find the idea of calling you....Daddy...kinda hot." She blushes as soon as it comes out of her mouth, stealing side glances at Lexa who's walking with her mouth agasp. "What that says about me, I don't know, but if you don't min-" Before she can even finish, Lexa whips her around so that her back is flush against the brunette's front, her hands holding Clarke's as her strong arms wrap tightly around. The blonde can feel Lexa's hardness on her back and she's positive she's about to lose it when the girl learns forward just enough to speak into her ear, "Ai laik yu Heda.." "Lex....." Clarke bites back a moan at the tone Lexa uses. "I.....don't understand.." "It means.....I am your Commander..." the words come out sounding more like a growl than anything else, and the blonde feels her stomach drop instantly.

Holy shit...fucking drenched. I honestly don't think I've ever understood that word the way I do now - on a spiritual level. "Fuck, okay, we need to get to your place. Like.....right now!"

***

GroupText: || CLARKTAVIEN || 12:43am - Griffter: psa, bitches - god is real and he has sent the commander of his battalion of angels to personally take me to heaven tonight. don't bother with a search party. text u from the clouds in the morning ;) 12:44am - BabyBlake: wtf r u even talking about right now? no more jungle juice for u! 12:44am - RaverReyes: lucky!! male or female??? 12:45am - Griffter: the most celestial hybrid i have ever seen <3 #stellarstud #minez 12:45am - RaverReyes: :O :D ay dios i always knew heaven was my scene<3 save me a spot!! 12:45am - BabyBake: clarke have u been watching scifi again? we talked about this! 12:46am - RaverReyes: btw i call dibs on lexa when ur dead ;) send ur phone back down via cherub messenger so i can hit her up. gracias. gati says RIP. ^..^

***

She is the most beautiful being I have ever seen. She doesn't even know it. She's confident- dare I say cocky, even - in her own skin. But she has NO idea how truly magnificent she is. She undresses me, my shirt first, kissing me softly before she pulls it over my head and then again as she throws it to the floor. Her hands cup my face and those soft lips seem to draw out every breath I can manage. She moves to pull her own shirt off revealing the bright orange sports bra I had seen via the huge cut-outs of the lose tank she wore moments before. Her skin is tan and smooth under my touch - a small scar on top of her ribs, just below the sports bra, on her left side. I run my fingers over it, tracing it, silently asking. "Chest tube," she says, reading my mind or perhaps my eyes. "Had a collapsed lung...stunt gone wrong." "Seems to be a reoccurring theme with you, Charming..." I tease her.

She kisses my neck, licking up to my jawbone, and biting gently. Those hands of hers, running over my back and then lower, grabbing my ass cheeks. She pulls me into her and I can feel how excited she is. How hungry. Yes, I'm nervous. It's been a while. Over a year, for me. Can't say the same for her. She's had....Costia. It's not like we ever discussed it - not really. We never said we were anything exclusive. Technically, we still haven't. Part of me is scared. Finn was as inexperienced as I was - the first time, anyway. He slept with many women while we were together but it's not like I had seen much improvement. He was okay, but truthfully I had better orgasms alone. Being honest, what kept me going back was the contact. The body heat. It was something that felt.....comforting to me. That's really all he ever was - comforting, there and available. Maybe I'm just nervous because this is someone new - uncharted waters. But Lexa is.....God, she's amazing. She's everywhere - her hands and lips all over me and it makes me wonder how she manages to make me feel like I'm not even real, like I'm just a mass of energy, bursting and buzzing. And I feel bad even thinking of Finn right now. It's not like I'm really thinking of him. It's more I'm thinking of how illprepared I am. How unsure of myself, I'm feeling. Should I tell her? Should I tell her that I'm really just all big talk?? Should I explain that I'm nothing more than a 'show pony' with no real work experience?? My sexual experience has literally been nothing but laying there while Finn got off. And something tells me that that is in no way how tonight is going to go. I should voice my concerns but she feels too good on top of me, between my legs, grinding and rolling her hips against me. She uses one hand to reach behind me, the other arm holding her up over me, as she unclasps my bra and removes it. She lowers herself down over me, resting on her right elbow and forearm, using her left hand to cup my left breast and her mouth to lick and playfully bite and suck my right nipple. The weight of her feels like home - feels like she's rooting me to the earth in this moment. Her hand moves from my breast to my stomach and as I feel the shift in position of her hand and the way it's practically crawling down my abdomen, I know it's happening and I should speak now. "Lex...." It's soft and I'm not sure she hears me, she stops her nipping at my skin and instead kisses me gently, looking up into my eyes, telling me to continue. "I....should probably tell you....I don't...have alot of...experience..." "Clarke," she says, kissing from my breast up to my collarbone, "I'm not expecting you to reciprocate, and you can stop me at any time, if you feel like you want to. I won't be angry.." "O-Okay..." It's the only thing I can manage as she sucks my pulse point. "Are you okay?" Her words are tender, her touch is tentative. "Are you sure this is what you want? We can wait....." But I've waited too long for this already. And I do want it - more than anything. Because life is too short and why should I deny myself what I crave more than oxygen itself?! "Lexa, I want you.."

She moves herself up into a kneeling position between my legs, unbuttoning my shorts and sliding her fingers along the waistband, tickling my skin before she pulls them down - panties and all. My instinct is to close my legs. Exposure is not a strong suit of mine and I'm so wet it's absurd. I look up to read her face, waiting to see if she's disappointed that I've closed off her view. Instead, she reaches for her sports bra and pulls it over her head. As she tosses it, I watch her sit back on her heals, her hands reach out for me, fingers gently roaming the outside of my thighs to my knees and down to my ankles. She leans forward, placing kissing on both of my knees while she undoes the strings of her board shorts. The moment she moves away from me, off the bed to remove her shorts and boxer briefs, I feel what it's like to really miss her. I thought I knew it before, but there's a difference between missing something you've never known and missing something you've had and fear you may lose and never have again. She kneels on the foot of the bed, crawling back up to me, but I can't wait. I reach forward and pull her to me, locking our lips and I'm telling you, if heaven had a taste, it would be her kiss. The sweetness of her lips, the hint of hops on her tongue, and FUCK her hips roll up into me and there's the feeling of skin-to-skin contact for the first time. And this, I think, is how the world ends. This is how my entire world crumbles at her feet - like a sacrifice to please the beast inside, like a thank-you for the blessings of her caress I've received so far, like a prayer to spare me the ruin that will come 5 days from now when I leave.... "Ai Prisa.." she sings it into my ear as she nips at my lobe. Her hand moves up my inner thigh and she waits for approval. "Dime que tu quieres.....Tell me what you want.." I have no words. Instead, I reach my hand between my legs and run my fingers through the folds, dipping into the wetness, and skating back up to my clit. I rub small circles as she watches, and I close my eyes trying to think of when I became so brazen. I look up for just a second to lock eyes with her - the emerald almost complete gone, her pupils dilated scanning my face. "Lexa....touch me.." It's weak. It's desperate. But she doesn't seem to mind. "Quiero mirarte. Show me how I make you feel, Clarke." That timbre of her voice, it makes me want her more. I don't want to touch myself....I've been doing that for months now, thinking of her. I want to egg her on - I want her to touch me, I want her to take me. "Sha, Heda..." And THAT, that word leaving my lips, is enough to incite the reaction I want. Her hand reaches to mine where it moves between my thighs and she quickly replaces my hand with hers, rubbing fast circles over my clit, slowing only to dip into my heat for more wetness, and then return. She kisses down my body, until her lips are trading kisses between my inner thighs and then her fingers move and her tongue takes their place. The switch is so seamless, I almost didn't notice, except that her tongue is warm and wet as it glides over the sensitive bud. Her fingers trace my folds and I feel one slide into me, testing the waters before she adds a second. Her pace is easy at first. Her tongue is slow and sensual, flicking here and there, before licking upwards - her fingers work steadily, not too fast and not too slow. It drives me crazy how precise her movements seem and, still, how carefree she appears looking back up at me. There's a glint in her eye, and she nips at my clit with her teeth, pushing a third finger into me at the same time and I can't hold back my moans anymore.

"Fuck, babe...." Her tongue licks, swirls and twirls, lips gently sucking, as her fingers curl inside of me and her speed increases and I feel her hitting that....spot....every...fucking....time... "Lex....oh my....Jesus...Fuck....I'm g-....Lexa.......please....don't stop....I'm gonna cum.." She's rough now, her fingers slamming into me and I can hear the wet slapping sound as she increases her pace yet again, and God, it's embarrassingly soon but I can't even stop it now. "FUCK! LEXA....I'm-" and then there are no more words or breaths - everything stops and I feel like I'm dying. I feel my walls clamping down, and my body shutters, muscles tightening and my eyes close. And I swear, I can see stars - multitudes of stars, galaxies painted onto the pitch black canvas of the heavens - and I feel like this is what I've been missing. Like I have the answers to questions I hadn't even known to ask. "Lexa-" I'm finally able to get the word out, gasping, as my chest heaves and I try to catch my breath. She moves from where she is, up beside me, one hand still between my legs as she coaxes me down from my high, the other hand running fingers through my hair as she whispers... "It's okay, Clarke. I'm here. Just breathe. You're safe...Just rest...I'm not going anywhere." And I don't say it - not then. Because I feel bad that I didn't do anything for her. And because it feels so wrong to say it for the first time right after that. It feels cheap and I won't have my declaration of affection feel like it was just a spur of the moment, 'I need something to say' sorta thing.... But I love her.... And as soon as..... I'm done napping.... I'm gonna.... tell her......

***

01:44am - Costia: Lexa, are u okay? 01:56am - Costia: I know ur probably wicked angry & I get that, I do, but it wasn't my intention to tell her anything.

01:57am - Costia: I was going to speak to her, to say goodbye, & Tris approached me saying 'Lexa isn't here' 01:57am - Costia: & of course Anya overheard & wanted to know why 'the fuck' I would be concerned where u were. 01:58am - Costia: Obviously it's no excuse but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I never meant to betray ur trust like that.

02:07am - LaynO: heard u showed after all AND u left wit a blonde. tisk tisk, fea. we're gonna talk about this in the AM.

02:20am - Costia: Look, Layne told me u were at ur parent's place. I'll be there in 10. We need to talk.

(( Incoming call: Costia ))

"Hello..?" "I'm outside. We need to talk, Lex."

No....we really don't. ugh. "Alright...I'm coming out." (( Call ended ))

***

Walking out the side door of her parents beach-house, she walked up the dirty and shell driveway towards the red Beamer. The driver's door opened and the dark-haired beauty stepped out. Her black-blue wavy tresses were draped over her right shoulder, her caramel colored skin shimmering from the special lotion that Lexa knew she used. She looked gorgeous, as always. Lexa had always been attracted to her; it would be a lie to say otherwise. But physical attraction isn't everything, she thinks. What happens when you're 80 and you're old and wrinkly with nothing to talk about....?

"Costia." "Lexa, I wanted to check on you. I heard that you and Anya argued." "You could have checked on me later. Or not at all. We've never been the 'check on you' type, anyway." "I know you're mad, and I'm truly sorry, but Lex please just..understand. Even if you don't forgive me, just..accept my apology." "I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated. But honestly, right now, you and Anya were the furthest thing from my mind. You shouldn't have come here, Cos." "Yeah, I heard you left with...someone." "I'm not sure who you heard it from, but yes. I left with my girlfrien-" "Is she.....inside? now?" Costia interrupts her. "Yes, she is. Which is why I came out here to speak to you and also why you are going to get back in your car and leave. Because she was already upset enough about the scene with Anya. I do not want to cause her anymore grief." "So, I take it.....things with us..." "Yes..." "Lex....." "Costia, I am fine. Thank you for your concern, but you really shouldn't let it weigh on you. I'm going back insi-" "Lexa......??" Clarke's voice calls out to her as she is coming up the driveway, wrapped solely in Lexa's blanket from her bed. The brunette turns to her, concerned about what woke her. "Clarke?? You alright??" "I'm fine." she says, glancing at Costia for no more than a second or two before she reaches her hand out to grab the waistband of Lexa's sleeper shorts, tucking the tips of her fingers just inside. "Come back to bed, Heda," she beckons with a kiss at the corner of Lexa's mouth. "Sha, Regia" she replies, pulling the blonde into her, kissing the spot where her neck and jaw met. She doesn't think Clarke understands her, but she smiles watching her walk back to the house, her bare back and the curve of her hips and ass showing as the cover strains against her while she moves. She did that on purpose, she thinks. For me. "I'm gonna go. I'm glad you're happy, Lex. I'll see ya around, okay?" "Yeah...Thanks. Be careful driving home."

***

She's perfect. Her dark, beach tousled hair and her warm chocolate eyes, those glossy kissable lips like she came to this house ready to take what was hers. Her fancy cocktail dress and heels, that olive skin, and yes, I'm fucking worried. Because I woke up to an empty bed. Because this bitch offers more than I do -- or can. She's lives here, so proximity alone would be in her favor. But its the fact that she knows Lexa so well already, she knows what she likes.....she knows what does it for her. I don't have any of that. I offer phone calls and texts, pictures, and song exchanges. What's to stop her from going back to this girl as soon as I leave? Who's to say I'd ever even know about it...if she didn't tell me? I really have no room for argument. I have 5 days.........that's what I have. But it's just like Lexa always says....if I'm going down - if I'm gonna crash and burn - I'm gonna be the most delightful display of destruction you've ever seen. If it means I get to love her, here and now, then I want to be a beautiful ruin. I wait for her on her bed when she comes back inside. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed and she strolls to her stereo, presses play without a second thought, and then walks over to me, bringing her hands up to my face - her thumbs massaging my cheekbones before she runs her fingers through my hair. I hear the song start, Brave - Jhene Aiko, and her fingers pause only to wrap a handful of blonde strands around her palm and pull my head back, leaning down to kiss my lips like they give her life. My fingers find their way to the waistband of her shorts for the second time tonight, and she immediately let's go of my hair and reaches to pull her shirt over her head baring her upper body to me. She watches me - my hands stilled at her waist, unsteady and unsure. "Was that her?" A part of me already knows the answer, but I ask anyway. "Yes, it was." She doesn't try to lie, though the opportunity to do so is present. "What did you say....when I told you to come to bed....?" She smiles, grabbing my hands with hers, pushing her shorts down and stepping out of them. She stands up straight, giving me a full view of her, her hands holding mine with our fingers entwined. "I said 'Yes, Regia' " "What does Regia mean?" "Depends on the language. In Italian, it is a word meaning.....'direction'. And in Trigedasleng, it is a title, meaning 'the one who rules'..." "But isn't Heda the one who rules?" "Heda commands. But Regia......Regia rules over Heda's heart....and soul." I want to speak. I want to say something, but she releases my hands and I feel her pulling away the blanket from my body. I watch her - meticulously unraveling the tangle of

covers I'm wrapped in - and I see the way her jaw clenches and the way her eyes take all of me in. She tosses the covers to the side as her hands grip my waist and she lifts me off the mattress only to toss me back towards the pillows. It's forceful, but it doesn't hurt or scare me. If anything, it only turns me on more. She's working her way up the mattress to me, like a lioness stalking her prey, and the way she licks her lips makes my skin crawl. "What are you thinking, Clarke?" the way her tongue clicks the K like she created it herself - like it's her own mouthed masterpiece - it makes my insides pulsate, calling out for her. "I'm thinking about you....about what you said earlier....about you 'drinking me like wine'...." "And what of it? Would you rather I didn't....?" She's hovering above me now, and I can feel the heat radiating from her body but I need the pressure. I need her weight on me. "I'm scared of what happens....when you've had your fill..." "Clarke, do you know how much you scare me? I'm afraid to even have a taste of what you could really be for me. I'm afraid tasting you would be like tasting pleasure itself. No filters, no restraints, straight from the source. I worry that once I've allowed myself to fully indulge in my....want.....in my desire to fucking tear into you completely, that I won't want anything else. Ever. I feel like...you're what I've been searching for. What I look for every time I crash or flip or fall - you're exhilarating and frightening, at the same time. It's like subconsciously I've been trying to find you all this time..trying to get that feeling....like I knew you were out there....Osir keryon ste teina, Clarke." God, her voice....it's like a summer bonfire. That fucking smolder that she does so well and the way she pours herself out to me - her words branching out to burn me from the inside out. I don't even realize when my hips cant up to meet her, and I can hear her growl at me again, grinding herself into me. She dips her head to kiss my neck. I can feel her rubbing against me and the friction of it has me shivering. Her mouth moves to chest and I feel her nibbling a trail down to my left breast. She's gentle, licking and sucking, until she's not and I feel her bite down. Instead of pain, it's only excitement I feel. She knows my body so well already, it seems. She knows how I will react to her, she knows what I want. She switches sides and I dig my fingers into her scalp, as she bites and sucks, leaving marks in her wake. She ascends, again, to meet my lips and I feel her body press into mine, as she rocks her hips against me. "Lexa..." I try to sound confident as my hand travels down to grab her. "You want me?" she asks, jerking her hips forward so my hand glides down the length of her. I nod. Hoping she doesn't see my reservations. She's big. Bigger than I expected. Pictures really don't do her justice. Her hand is between us, in and instant, and she's running her fingers between my lower lips, feeling the wetness - no doubt assessing the accommodations. She seems satisfied with what she finds, because she emits a low growl and slides a long slender finger inside me.

"Clarke.." She's asking, being considerate, but part of me wonders if she has to ask with Costia. I hate that I compare myself to her, but I wonder if she compares us too. Is she thinking of her now? "Take it, Heda..." I instruct her, feeling bold in this moment. "It's yours......I'm yours.." She licks my collarbone, nipping with her teeth, as she rubs herself against me. She coats herself in the wetness and presses her tip against my entrance. She holds steady, there, as her tongue runs up my neck and when I feel her teeth sink deep into the skin above my pulse point, I don't even feel her push into me until her mouth releases her hold and I feel the shooting pain between my legs. She gives me a minute to adjust, before she pulls back and then eases back in. "Fuck, baby..." My arms wrap her neck and my hands grip at her back, nails scratching from the back of her neck to her shoulders. She goes slower at first, but it still stings. She peppers kisses along my jaw, soft and sweet, but it changes when I bring my leg up, spreading my thighs out further for her, using my foot to rub the back of her thigh and calf, urging her to push forward. She's not gentle anymore. The song changes - another Jhene Aiko song, To Live & Die - Her thrusts are quicker, harsher than before. I'm tangling my fingers in her hair with one hand, the other hand pulling the tiny baby hairs on the back of her neck. She pulls up to hover over me instead of resting her full weight on me as she pumps. I try to reach my hands up around her back, to pull her back into me, but she leans up to grab my wrists and push them back into the bed above my head. She holds them there with one hand, the other hand plants itself into the bed next to me, giving her leverage to rip into me faster and harder. It's the most delicious pain I've ever endured. "Jesus, FUCK! Heda!.....God yes!!” I encourage her because she's quiet, now, and I want her to talk to me. I want her to tell me how it feels for her, if she's enjoying this.. "Fuck me, Lexa.....Don't hold back...." "Clarke.....Fuck...you.....you feel sooooo good....holy fuck..." She's pumping wildly and everything is tingling inside me. I know, then. I know that it's only me on her mind.... "That's right baby....talk to me...." She pulls out farther and then slams back into me. She repeats this, quickening her pace with each thrust, and the sensation is incredible. I feel her slow down, each time to push into me it's deeper, I worry that she's getting ready to finish. She lets go of my hands, pulls out and backs away from me. "Flip over.." she commands me, and without a split second of hesitation I do it. This is different - definitely something I'm not used to - but I'm not opposed to trying this with her. "Put your hands on the headboard." I listen and I realize quickly that she has just increased my arousal by 200% because there, above her short wooden headboard, is a mirror. This slick motherfucker... I feel her move up close behind me, I feel the head of her rubbing against me before she pushes past my entrance again. My head drops as she pumps behind me. My hands are gripping the headboard, my bottom lip between my teeth.

"Look up, Clarke!" She orders but I can't move....I just......it's too much. Her right hand reachs around between my legs, two fingers rubbing circles on my clit before she pulls her hand away, stops her thrusts, and smacks my sex gently with her fingers. The feeling of it, the sudden jolt of electricity, it's a surprise....but a welcome one. Her upper body leans over me and I feel her teeth tear at the skin on the back of my ribs. "Look up...." she tries again. Apparently, this was a warning. One that I'm not sure I'm willing to heed, yet. Again, a new song, Desperado - Rihanna, and her thrusts increase in both speed and depth. The feeling of her inside me....how it feels like she's stretching me. She leaves her left hand on my hip and with her right hand she scrapes at my scalp, grabbing a handful of hair and pulling my head back and in view of the mirror. My blue eyes find hers - like green daggers staring at me, stabbing directly into my chest as she takes her bottom lip between her teeth. She leans back onto her heals, pulling me over her lap, legs spread around her as she watches my face in the mirror. She lets go of my hair and brushes it to the side as she kisses the back of my neck and bites down, thrusting deeper into me at the same time. "Lexa!" I scream out as I feel her pushing the limits of me. "God, Clarke... every move you make.....it's like you're drawing out my fucking soul..." Her arm comes up around my shoulder and her hand over my neck and I feel her squeeze gently. Her eyes lock with mine in the mirror, again, as I feel her pull out just enough to give her room and then slam her hips into me again, grinding against me slowly as a tease. My eyes close and I listen to the symphony that is our ragged breathing and sweaty movements. Her confession and her hold on my neck elicits a reaction in me that I had not expected. I feel them before I see them, but when I look up in the mirror, the tears stream down my face, one and then another. Her hand moves from my neck, down my chest, fingernails scrape at my abdomen on their way between my thighs. Her forehead rests on the trapezius muscle of my back, her face hidden from me but as her fingers work my clit in hard fast circles and she starts to thrust again, I know she's close. My hands grip the headboard again for leverage as she leans us both forward pumping into me so fast I feel like I can't breathe. The pressure builds in my stomach and I feel my legs start to shake. "Don't stop, Heda. Please....I'm so close.....you're gonna make me cum....." this spurs her on more and I feel her hand grasping my hip and she thrusts - deeper and harder and I can hear the sound of our bodies meeting and it's too much.....it's really just to much to take....and I ca-"Fuck, I'm gonna cum.....Lexa!" "Fuck, ai Regia! I......I lo-" and then there's no more fighting it. I feel my body tighten and the walls inside me clamp down on her and her body shutters behind me and I feel her practically collapse against me. My knuckles are white from holding on to the wooden headboard and my body is so tired, I can feel myself ready to give out. "Lex....babe....come on...let's lay down..." I tell her. "Come here...."

And we lay there....my back pressed to her front, her arm draped over me, her face tucked into the crook of my neck, her breath growing steadier in my ear, and I wonder...Did she say it? Why say it then? Should I say it back now??

***

GroupText: || CLARKTAVIEN || 09:24am - BabyBlake: Clarkey, where the fuck r u? 09:26am - RaverReyes: Griffin!! I demand an update de los cielos!! tell the angel I said heyyy ;) 09:30am - RaverReyes: btw.....totally met this dude last night. made out with him in the ocean at 3am. 09:31am - RaverReyes: downside - didn't get his fucking name or number. i was calling him chulo all night long, pero whatever 09:32am - RaverReyes: still does not excuse u from leaving lexa to me in ur will ;) js

Haha, you have NO idea Rae! .......waaaiiiittttt! Oh this is too fucking perfect! She's gonna fucking die!

"Lexa......babe....." Clarke rubs down her back, trying to wake her. "Take a picture with me...." "Wha....why?" "Come on....just one. I wanna look back and remember our first night together....just give me a kiss, then....that's all.." The brunette finally gives in, but returns her head back to the pillow shortly after. Clarke takes the opportunity and pushes the blankets off her to reveal her bare back - in all it's "toned muscles and smooth, sunkissed skin" glory. "Clarke....what are you doing??" the blonde presses a kiss to her back and then snaps a picture. "Did you just take a picture of my back?" "Shhhhh......it's for Gati." "WHO THE FUCK IS GATI???" the brunette practically yells - one eye open and glaring at Clarke. "Raven's vagina.." the blonde smirks. "It's cool though...mine is Princess Peach.."

"Now, THAT, I believe.." the brunette says, her face baring a wide grin, both eyes closed again.

10:14am - Griffter: [img174.jpeg] [img175.jpeg] 10:14am - Griffter: and a VERY good morning to u all, too ;)

Take that, Gatita >.<

10:17am - BabyBlake: who the....?? 10:17am - RaverReyes: is that......???? stfu......stffu.... 10:18am - RaverReyes: OOOOOHHHHHH MMMMMYYYYYY GGGGOOOODDDDDDD 10:18am - Griffter: i love u raven ;) 10:18am - RaverReyes: i fucking hate u!!!! consider our friendship terminated!! indefinitely!!! >.< how did u....how did this.....i dont understand...i have so many feels... 10:19am - BabyBlake: wait...that's lexa??????? the lexa??????? clarke did u hop a flight to whereeverthefuck last night???? 10:19am - RaverReyes: don't even bother coming back to the beachhouse, today. or the apartment at home. gati says ur dead to us. 10:20am - RaverReyes: omg but for real....how was it?? wait...don't tell me....i don't wanna know >.< i hate u i hate u i hate u 10:22am - RaverReyes: so there was no heavenly hybrid?? or.............plot twist.......finestud! lexa is hybrid.....ooohhhh me gusta. 10:27am - RaverReyes: CLARKE!! i need confirmation on the hybrid! 10:30am - Griffter: wouldn't u like to know?! ;) 10:31am - RaverReyes: u have got to be fucking kidding me. u win at life. like....send God a fruitbasket or something because....seriously.... #gatitaisweeping 10:40am - Griffter: HOLY SHIT!! her mom is home. i repeat her mom is home and i have to do the walk of shame >.< send help omfg #dead #walkingdead

Notes: 'AI LAIK YU KONGEDA!' - I AM YOUR FAMILY! 'ANYA! DAUN STE PLENI! Lexa, gon we houm! NAU!' - ANYA! THAT IS ENOUGH!! Lexa, go home! NOW! 'NAU! Nou prom ai op!" - NOW! Don't question me!

'Quiero mirarte' - I want to watch you/I want to look at you 'de los cielos' - from the heavens

Chapter 12: Love and War Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "So..your mom....is she gonna....freak about me being here?" Clarke askes, pulling her shirt over her head. "Honestly, I don't know." Lexa smiles and shrugs her shoulders. "Kind of a first for me, so.....it could go either way. She could make you breakfast or......she could murder you on sight." "Not funny, babe." "Babe...I like that." the brunette snickers. "You've never called me babe before last night..." "Oh, I....I guess I just wasn't sure exactly what we were." Clarke muses. "I didn't know if babe was....suitable or not." Lexa laughs softly, pulling on her own shirt before replying. "Well, I hope last night gave you some context as to what we are..." "OOH, most definitely!" "Hey...so....about last night...well, this morning, I guess.....we're okay, right? I mean, you're okay with things, yeah?" "I'm great!" the blonde replies emphatically. "Lexa, I am fucking ecstatic. I mean, I'm mildly concerned about your mother, but otherwise, I'm vibrating on a ridiculously high level right now.." "Okay. I just wanted to check-in. I don't exactly know the protocol fo-" "Lex.....listen to me....I'm not going anywhere. You have NOTHING to worry about. I'm here. I'm not running. To put it in O's words - 'I fucks with you', in whatever capacity you want me." Clarke feels the brunette's arms wrap around her, their chests pressed together, the girl leaning back to lift her off the ground a bit then letting her touch down again. "Back to your mom..." the blonde reminds, "what are the chances of me making it out alive??"

***

Clarke hadn't seen things going this way. To be fair, she hadn't seen her night going this way, but the universe dealt her a rather beautiful hand and she had made the absolute best of it. But when they had arrived at Lexa's parents house last night, Lexa had assured her that her parents weren't home and that they wouldn't be home until much later in the morning-possibly afternoon. She just didn't think about how quickly the morning would come. She hadn't quite had time to formulate a plan. And now, it had come to this, walking down the hallway with Lexa's hand in hers leading her to the kitchen, preparing to meet her parents.

Thank God Lex had the good sense not to leave marks anywhere that couldn't be covered by clothing.

As they round the corner into the kitchen and Clarke catches sight of someone she hadn't expected.

"CLARKE CLONE????" he sounds equally as surprised as she is. "Excuse me?" the blonde asks. "Layne," Lexa addresses him, "Not a clone. This is Clarke. THE Clarke." "No fucking way. The girl I saw yesterday??" His mouth hangs open for a moment as his eyebrows shoot up. "So I had a chance to steal you from Fea, here, and I missed it?? Well fuck me......I mean, not literally, not now. But....damn. Fate, you fickle bitch!" "Layne! Mind your mouth!" And there was that voice again - that hair-raising tone that Clarke had heard outside the beach-house last night. "Good morning, Pauna. And guest..." "Good morning, Mama." Lexa answers. Clarke turns to see the woman walk past her without even glancing her way, over to the stove, to return with 2 pans - one with eggs, the other with hashbrowns. She steps away again to reach in the oven where she had stashed a pan that almost overflowed with freshly cooked bacon and another with homemade biscuits. Lexa had made her way to the cabinets to grab two plates for them but when she makes it back to Clarke's side, she speaks again. "Nomon, this is Clarke." The woman spins around on her heels, causing Clarke to flinch in surprise. "Clarke......." she says, reaching her arms out and pulling the blonde into a tight embrace. "It is so good to meet you! I was afraid Lexa would keep me waiting." "It is nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Woods. Lexa has told me a great deal about you." The woman pulls back and offers the blonde a genuine grin. "She speaks very highly of you as well, strik soncha." "I....." the blonde stutters, looking at Lexa. "What does that mean?"

"It means 'little light'. We use it like...how you would call someone 'Sunshine'." the brunette translates for her - the girl's mother standing beside her nodding in agreement. "Basically, Mom is saying you're in. Now, grab your grub and sit down. Anya will be here soon and you wanna grab yours before she gets here because her inner pakstoka is a greedy bitch." "He means 'wolf' and it's true so...get some while the gettin' is good." Lexa tells her, with a sweet smile. They make their plates and find a seat at the table - the older woman at one end, Layne on the left side of her and Lexa on the right with Clarke next to her.

"Tell me Clarke," Lexa's mother begins, "where is home for you? Lexa said you're not from here.." "Gainesville, actually. It's only about 2 and half to 3 hours away. My mom is a surgeon at Shands." "A surgeon? Wow. That is very impressive. And you? You want to be in the medical profession as well?"

And let the inquisition begin.

"Ummm, no actually. I did, for a while. But I've grown more in love with Art - painting and sketching, in particular - so I decided to pursue that, instead." "Ahhh, a starving artist. You're perfect for Pauna, then." she hears the woman laugh, shortly. "How so?" "The tortured, heartbroken artist and the adrenaline junkie? It's a movie waiting to be made - if it hasn't been already." "Well you're wrong about me. I'm not heartbroken. I just inherited my father's artistic inclinations, is all." "Ah ha, so your father supports your career path?" The words snip at Clarke's heartstrings. She doesn't mean to, but she bites back with her response. "I'm sure he would, if he weren't dead." Lexa's jaw clenches and her hand reaches over to grab Clarke's under the table. She squeezes, letting her thumb rub the blondes, and Clarke realizes this is the first time she's mentioned her father's death to the girl.

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I didn't realize." the woman offers. "How did death greet him?" "Cold and fast, I'm afraid." Clarke scoffed. "He was robbed at gunpoint, shot because he raised his voice and the guy got scared and didn't think. He just...pulled the trigger. Done." "In Gainesville? I would never-" "No....DC. We lived there until he was killed. My mom couldn't stay there, after, so she moved us here because my grandparents had land here...and...it just made sense. I was 15, so...my mom knew I'd be going to college soon and she figured if I got into UF that I'd be close to home and she wouldn't have to lose me too. It was all very.....logical. Controlled, if you will." "Well yes, I can understand your mother's want to keep you close, then." The woman's words were filled with something that Clarke couldn't quite read, but as she watched the way her eyes looked at Lexa..that, too, made sense. Clarke was going to speak up again, but Lexa's mother spoke before she had the chance. "Does your mother support your lifestyle? In regards to those whom you choose to have relationships with?" "I've only had one relationship and my mother was.....not exactly thrilled with him." "Only one? How long were you together?" "3 years, more or less. I wasn't into dating in high school. My dad had just died and......I just wanted to focus on something else. I chose school. I maintained a high grade point average, tested well on my SAT, got myself a full ride scholarship to UF, and....yeah. I got all my pre-req's done for med school and then.....I decided my heart wasn't in it and I couldn't be either. I met....my ex....end of freshmen year. We dated until a graduated and then I.....I ended it." "And how long after that did you two meet?" She gestures between Clarke and her daughter. "6 months...." "Ahhh.....I see." Her tone isn't all that offensive but Lexa seems upset by it. "Ma," Lexa interrupts, "let's not do this so early in the morning. It's not even noon yet. Can't the bloodshed wait another few hours?" "Lexa, do you worry that I will scare her away?" This question is somewhat abrasive to Clarke, and to Lexa as well, but what follows is more so. "If she is too weak to answer simple questions, she is not strong enough to love you." "Mom," Layne interjects, "chil au. It's breakfast. How you gonna get hostile while eating bacon?! Everybody just enjoy the food and relax. Fuck. This isn't Shakespeare - two rival houses. Shit is not that serious." "Actually, Mrs. Woods, I am not scared." The blonde asserts. "Not of you, and not of loving your daughter. I will answer whatever questions you have because I have nothing to hide. Lexa knows me and she accepts me. As I do her. And while your approval and acceptance would mean a great deal to both her and I, to me, it most certainly is not a

requirement. So, you choose. We can continue to dance around the subject of whether you like me for her or not....but I'd prefer to save my energy."

Brave, Griffin. Brave, and fucking stupid....probably. Lexa's moves their clasped hands between Clarke's legs, using the tips of her fingers to lightly scratch her inner thigh. Her eyes keep watch on her mother - like she's anticipating an opponent's next move. "You, Clarke, may call me Indra." The older woman states firmly, and then...magically her lips turn up into a smile, a real - teething showing, smile. "You may also call me Mama, should you see fit..."

And breathe! Holy fuck! "I would love that..." the blonde replies, returning the smile. "Where's Dad, anyway?" Lexa interrupts the moment. "He's driving Miss Dazey." Layne answers, cracking himself up. "An got trashed last night, and Dad lost in a round of Paper Rock Scissors, so he had to stay and tend to her drunkass and get her ready to come here. Mom is a fucking samurai at PRS." "Speaking of last night, Lexa Arielle, you will apologize to Anya." "WHAT THE HELL FOR?" the brunette objects. "Nou gonplei gon ai!" Her mother's words are swift, dangerous. "That scene last night, it was inappropriate. Uncalled for. And do not think I do not know what caused Anya's outburst. As unbecoming as it was, she had the right to be upset. It was disrespectful of you to do what you did. She is NOT the only one disappointed in your behavior." Clarke watches as Lexa's head falls. She sees her swallow, like she's trying to keep her response from escaping. When the front door opens, her head jerks up, and Clarke watches the emotion wash away from her face like it never existed. It's a reaction that startles her a bit - at how well this girl is at not only hiding her emotions, but faking others as well. The same tall girl from the party walks into the room, stops just short of the table, and glares at Clarke and Lexa. She smirks, but doesn't say anything, and continues into the kitchen to make her plate. A man that Clarke could only assume was Lexa's father walks through the door after her. He, too, stops to look at Clarke, obviously taking note of the girl he doesn't recognize. "Hello," he greets her, sticking out his hand. "I'm Gus...Lexa's Dad. And you are...?" "Clarke." The blonde replies. "Clarke Griffin. I'm-" "She's Lexa's girlfriend, Dad." Layne explains. "Oh, I was not aware Lexa had a girlfriend." he says. "Lexa-Ri, you've been holding out on me..."

He's a tall man with tan skin and a big muscular build. He has a clean-cut look about him, very much like Lexa's brother. Hair short, shaved almost at the sides, longer on top. Facial hair, but its not long. He reminds her of her uncle, almost - only, more bulky. Lexa, is still quiet. And Clarke notices that her eyes have gone cold. She's still smiling, but her eyes......Clarke hates how different they look now. How empty and distant. When Anya reappears, her plate is STACKED with food. She must have picked up everything that was left and just thrown it on-board for the trip to the table. She takes her seat next to Layne, across from Clarke, and she smiles, throwing in a wink, at the blonde. Lexa takes notice, but says nothing. Clarke squeezes her hand to reassure her, but the girl does not squeeze back. Anya takes a bite of bacon before she speaks. "So Lexa....this is your girlfriend? Long Distance, 'Phone calls and Sexy Texts' Clarke??" She overclicks the K on purpose, it seems, and with a Cheshire cat grin she continues. "Not bad. I'm impressed - inspired, even. Hell, you fucked my best friend so...maybe it's only fair that I fuck your girlfriend, whaddya say to that?" Lexa lunges across the table at her, releasing Clarke's hand, and knocking over their drinks and her own chair in the movement. She lands a blow that sends Anya and her chair flipping backwards, crashing to the floor, before Layne intercedes. "Touch her and I'll end you!" Lexa warns. "HAHAHAHA," Anya just laughs, reaching up to feel her cheekbone where the punch had landed. "What's a matter, Lex? Afraid I'll give this one a better reason to leave?" It's a low blow. And it sends Lexa into a rage. She backs up, grabbing hold of the edge of the table, and jerks up with both hands, managing to flip the table over onto its side and directly onto Anya who screams out. "LEXA!" Her mother yells, and Clarke can't even process what the fuck is going on right now. All she knows is Lexa's eyes are as black as midnight - like the darkest charcoal she's ever used - and this, all of this, is not something she'd expected from her. "Hodnes laik kwelnes, Lexa!" Anya taunts her. "FUCK YOU, ANYA!!" Lexa screams as Layne holds her back while their parents lift the table so Anya can get up. "Suéltame!" she growls, shoving her brother off of her. "Relajate, Lexa!" he reaches for her again, moving to stand in front of her "Basta ya!" "BAJATE!" she screams, on the verge of tears, jerking her arm away and pushing past him. "Hey!!" he yells to her. "FEA! No te vayas!!" "Estoy fuera!" she yells back to him as she storms out the front door leaving Clarke amongst the chaos. "Haha.." Anya chuckles again, eyeing the blonde. "Offers still on the table. Well, it was until she flipped it, so now it's more on the floor, but, if you're up for it..."

Clarke cocks her eyebrows up, trying to summon any amount of couth she had in her but there was none. "You....are a miserable excuse for a human being. I don't know what all happened between you and Costia or Lexa and Costia. But what I know is....you had NO right to say what you said about me or Arabella. You're supposed to be more mature. I get that you're hurting, and I get that Lexa doesn't want or need to be coddled, but couldn't you at least muster up some basic fucking courtesy and not bring that shit up?? God, you're a piece of shit. It's not wonder she doesn't tell you things..." She has so much more she wants to say, but she cuts it short in favor of running after Lexa. She's not even sure what she'll say or where she'll begin when she finds her, but she's got to try something. She finds her standing at the end of her parents driveway - hands on her hips, wide stance, with her head hung low and her chest heaving - looking like she just fought a battle...and lost. She approaches, carefully, but she doesn't reach out for her.

Assess the situation, first, Griffin. Some people can't be touched when they're like this. You've never seen her like this. You've never even heard her get angry. You don't know how to handle her like this.... "Lex....." "We're leaving. I'm driving you back to your beach-house." "Lexa-" "Call someone and get an address if you need to, I'm going to get my keys." She doesn't turn back to look at Clarke as she stalks back to the house. Clarke doesn't push or argue when she returns. They spend the entire ride to the beach-house in silence and Clarke just watches as the girl's hands squeeze the steering wheel tightly. When they arrive at their destination, the blonde is glad that none of her friends are outside. She doesn't want a audience right now. "Come inside...?" Its a half-statement/half-question as finally reaches up to play with the baby curls on the back of Lexa's neck at her hairline. The brunette doesn't say anything, but she undoes her seatbelt and opens the door to get out. Progress, Clarke thinks. They make it inside and the serene quiet of the place tells the blonde that they are, indeed, alone. She pulls the brunette over to the couch where she lays down, pulling Lexa down on top of her. She rubs her back, and tangles their legs together but she doesn't say anything else until she feels the girl's arms come up under her back and shoulders to hold her. "Do you wanna talk about it?" she asks, timidly. "Not really." "Okay........does your hand hurt?" "No..."

Clarke stays silent again, thinking about whether she should push further or change the subject, until she feels Lexa's fingers gingerly scratching at her back. She takes this as an invitation to proceed. "So that stuff you said last night.....about.....looking for me.....you said something in Trig, I think....what was it?" "Osir keryon ste teina.." the brunette's voice is raspy, like she's drained of all her energy. "What does it mean?" "It means.....it just means 'I want you'.....nothing really profound, I guess.." "Oh..okay." "I'm sorry for earlier..." "Why are you apologizing? You were defending my honor. Anya was out of line for what she said. I'm sure your mother would like an apology - for the table at least - but I'm not looking for one. You don't really think I would have sex with her, do you?" Lexa doesn't respond. Her hands have stilled against Clarke's back - it feels like she's barely breathing - and Clarke gets the sense that she's pulling away from her, until she hears her utter something so soft she's not sure it's even real. "I love you, Clarke....."

That is.......sooooo much better than the answer I was looking for. <3 "I love you too, Lexa."

***

04:17pm - Clarke: good luck, babe. just be honest, speak from ur heart, and let the chips fall where they may. <3 u've still got me in ur corner, ride or die. 04:19pm - Heda: I love it when you get all 'thug-bug' ;) 04:20pm - Clarke: well.......i did just stand up to ur mother so im feeling very 'hood' today ;) 04:22pm - Heda: I'd hold off on getting that teardrop tattoo, there, BabyFace Griffin. 04:24pm - Clarke: how dare u insult my g-status?! but...thank u for bringing it to my attention that i need a badass nickname like u, babe. 04:27pm - Heda: I dubb thee, Wanheda - Commander of Death - because that pussy slays me ;)

04:29pm - Clarke: omg lexa!! that is.....unfff, I have no words. fuck ur brilliant! too bad ur not here, i'd totally suck ur dick right now. ;) like....damn. WANHEDA! HEAR ME ROAR!! RAWWWRRRR!!! 04:30pm - Heda: 1.) I'm changing your name in my contacts. 2.) I don't know whether I want to fuck the 'sass' out of you or kiss you for being so adorable ;) 3.) I'm going to do both, later. 04:31pm - Wanheda: god i fucking love u! <3 04:31pm - Heda: seintaim - 'same here'

***

She walks into her parents house to find her brother and Anya sitting on the couch in the living room. Layne takes her presence as his cue to leave, knowing this is more a heartto-heart than a battle royale. Lexa sits on the couch next to her cousin, racking her brain for the words to she had thought about the entire drive over from Clarke's rental. She wasn't sure if Anya would even listen to what she had to say - wasn't even sure if she'd sit here long enough to figure out how to start. Eventually, she decided to just say the first complete thought that funneled through her mind.

"I was an asshole." She starts, "I know that, An. Believe me when I say....if I could do it over different, I would." "How long? How long was it going on?" "For a while. Ever since it first happened. It only became a semi-regular thing about a little over 4 years ago." "4 YEARS??" Anya eyes widen, staring back at her. "You've been fucking her consistently for 4 years, Lex?? What the fuck were you guys? or....are you?? I don't even know..." "4 years semi-consistently, but a couple of times before that. We weren't anything. As fucked up as that sounds. We were honestly just about sex. She didn't want a relationship and...I didn't either. We both knew we were clean and...there were no preconceived ideas of what it might turn into or anything like that. It was literally just a way to de-stress without having to worry about my junk shriveling up and falling off. We aren't anything now. She came by after the party to check on me after she heard that we argued. I told her things were over - whatever unconventional thing we had..." "When did it start? And don't lie to me, Lexa." The pain in her cousins voice is something she's not accustomed to hearing and a far cry from what she'd heard only hours before. "I swear to God, I'll never trust you ever again if you lie to me now..."

"A month after.....the thing with Arabella. I was at a party. I was pretty wasted already when I showed up and....she was there. She asked me what I thought I was doing there. I told her I was looking for a way to not feel. She said she might be able to help with that. It just happened. I'm not saying that me being fucked up helps things...or excuses them in any way. It doesn't. I just want you to....understand that I wasn't doing it intentionally to hurt you." the brunette pauses, taking a deep breath before she continues. "She didn't tell me about you ending your friendship until afterwards when I asked what we should tell you. She said we didn't need to tell you anything because you had cut her out of your life. I felt horrible, Anya. And I knew you'd be upset, yeah, but I didn't think you'd be this angry. I'm sorry I hid it from you for so long....I-" "Oh, Lexa........You're not the only one who hid things." Anya lowers her head, covering her face with her hands. She looks up at Lexa and shakes her head. "Costia and I were involved. Before I left for college, we had been....dating. Secretly. We kept it quiet because her folks........were.....uber Christian and they would have disowned her. We were still a 'thing' while I was gone. I mean...she would always come see me, don't you remember? We were going to get a place together when I came back home - her sister was going to move in with us because her parents had just found out about her being gay and....they wanted her gone. But then I heard about you and her and...I argued with Cos about it." There's a long moment of silence between them - Anya searching Lexa's face for understanding and Lexa staring at the floor letting things sink in. Feeling like things weren't quite clear, still, Anya offered more explanation. "She said she couldn't blame her sister for being a little weirded out; especially if she didn't know ahead of time. She even made some asinine comment about if her sister had felt 'comfortable' enough to cut things short after she found out then maybe it never would have happened. She made it seem like you....forced yourself on her. And I knew you would never do that. So I ended things with her because...you're my family. I didn't blame her for sticking up for hers - as fucked up as it was for her to imply that you raped that girl - I understand her need to protect and stand by her family. But, goddamnit, you're mine. Ai Kongeda, otaim." "Feva en otaim." Lexa's voice cracks but she keeps the tears at bay. There'll be none of that, she stops herself. "I'm so sorry Anya. I swear if I would have known.....I feel so...disgusting now..." "Lex, stop." the older girl comforts her, reaching out for her hand. "Don't put yourself through that. And stop apologizing. I'm pissed at her, mostly, to be real. But since she dipped last night after it all 'came-out'..I haven't been able to really confront her. I'm really just...projecting, I guess. I wasn't even really that angry with you to begin with. I was mad but, worse than anything, I'm fucking hurt, that you felt like you couldn't or shouldn't tell me. Regardless of the reaction you think I'm gonna have, tell me Lex. Tell me, because we need that kind of honesty. With everyone else out there being lying cunts, we NEED to be there and be open with each other. I wouldn't have hated you. I don't hate you, now. She used you. And it was fucked up of her. It doesn't excuse you, but she was older than you and she should never have crossed that line with you. Mad at me or not. She knew better. And I'm sorry too. For what I said.....about Arabella....and about Clarke. It was fucking stupid. But that girl - that broad, em ste gona! I heard she told Nomon what's up and you should have heard what she told me. Em laik yuj! Haha. I like her. For you, of course." Lexa can't help but laugh at that. "I like her, too. A lot."

"Pssshh, you love her. Don't even bother denying it or playing coy. Even Nomon said so. The way you look at her, goufa, like em ste presh. It's cute, really. But that temper.." she pauses, slapping Lexa's shoulder to make sure she has her attention, "You gotta watch that shit. You could have hurt her when you flipped that table. You gotta be careful with her, Lex. We protect the ones we love, goufa. Hodnes nou laik kwelnes. En's uf. En jova. It makes you brave. Braver than you already are. You just can't let it make you stupid. And the difference....is a very VERY thin line." "Yeah, I know....I'm sorry for what I did...with the table...and punching you." "Apologize to Nomon about her table. Not me. And I deserved the punch you threw. But it's over now. Jus nou drein jus daun. I know how you feel about Blondie, and I would not do that to you. Just like I know you wouldn't have done it to me if you had known how I felt about Costia - even if it was over between us. I was wrong for not telling you - especially with what she said...but I just couldn't see you hurt anymore..." Lexa sticks her arm out, waiting for her cousin's. "Ogonzaun?" Anya reaches out and grabs hold of the brunettes arm. "Sha. Ogonzaun, leks-snacha!" "Oh my God, will you guys STOP calling me that!?! It was ONE TIME and I thought I'd bought the waterproof kind! Get off me!"

***

05:46pm - Heda: Things went well with Anya. Still need to speak to my Mom. See you later tonight? 05:47pm - Wanheda: u better ;)

"Alright Clarkey, gimme them deets! Right now!" "Raven, I'm still coming down from the high! I just met her, and I swear I'm already having withdrawals from her being away for an hour!" the blonde gushes. "Is she as hot in person? You know, 'cause some people are just really photogenic but in real life it's like...ay guey!" "FUCK ME! No, Not her. She is so fucking fine I felt my ovaries quiver when I first saw her last night. She RAN from her parent's place to get to that party - in flip flops, Rae - as soon as she realized we were this close to each other. Showed up, sweat glistening over her ridiculously smooth tan skin, in these bright orange, pink, neon yellow, and lime green board shorts, a black cut-out tank, and this traffic cone orange sports bra that drew my attention all night long! She was so BeachStud I was ready to set sail with her forever. Like all she was missing was a pair of fucking aviators and she could have been Lesbian Life-Guard Barbie!"

"So I'm assuming by the nakey pics that you two totally got it on! How was that? It's been a while, right?" ".....It has. It's been a year....over a year actually, since Finn and I...." "Well yeah, but you've been blowing off steam on your own, too. So....." the brunette interrupts. "Raven!" "Clarke, I'm just stating facts here." "NO!" Clarke stops her. "I mean....that too, but....RAVEN! I thought I was ready, I thought I had stamina. But last night...I came soooo fast. Like, Round 1- Lexa, 60 seconds, K fucking O. My insides exploded and.............Ifellthefuckasleep!!" "Ummmm I'm sorry what??" "I FELL ASLEEP! Passed the fuck out. Down for the count. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was just an overload of everything and I just...couldn't 'life' anymore, I don't know...but, she was laying there being all endearing and playing with my hair and I was out. BOOM. Literally floating in the stars!" "Maybe she's just THAT good." "OH she is. Round 2 ended in total body shut-down. No bullshit! I literally almost fell off the bed trying to maneuver myself to lay down after. Arms and leg's just gave out." "Oh my God! I'm so jealous!!" Raven squealed. "You should be, truly. There was a mirror involved.." the blonde teased her. "Sweet. Mary. MAGDALENE!!" her friend shrieks, her hand making a Catholic cross symbol from forehead to chest, then shoulder to shoulder. "Sweet Mary Magz, indeed. When she put her hand around my throat," Clarke closed her eyes, remembering the feeling, her body giving an involuntary shake. "I thought I was going to turn into a shivering mess..." "SHUT UP CLARKE!!" the brunette screams, slapping her thigh. "You know my affinity for violence!!" "She slapped Princess Peach!!!" "SHE WHAT?" Clarke opens her eyes to see the look on her friends face - a look of shock and sheer primal hunger at the same time. "She told me to look up into the mirror and watch and....well, I didn't listen. You know me, Rae. I've never done well with authority. But, she reached around and....she slapped her. Just a little pop. But shit, Let me tell you, I thought getting my ASS slapped by you was hot, but that.."

"FUCK, Clarke!! I'm in love with your girlfriend. I think we should have a relationship like O. I mean, Gati is 100% plotting your death as we speak, just so you know, but in the meantime, we could totally share!" "Not happening. Please pass my condolences on to Gati, but StellarStud is mine!" Clarke gives her a warning gaze. "HEY! You never gave me confirmation of hybrid status, either. Not nice!" "Rae.........can you promise me, on your life or....on mi-NO, ON MY MOM'S...that you won't say anything?" "You're horrible for bringing your mother into this, and I am truly offended that you would insinuate that your mother's pus-I mean YOUR MOTHER-means more to me that you do, but yes. I promise." "It's true." Clarke says, her voice starting in a whisper. "I've....I've known this whole time. I just never said anything to anyone. I mean, we didn't talk about it a lot - she and I. But last night....she told me all this stuff about how it felt for her living in a world where.....being different is not always so great. At least, not her kind of different. But, Rae, I don't see her as different. I mean, she is....she's so amazing and she makes me feel things that I don't even think the English language has words for...but when I look at her....it's just her. I don't look at her as being weird or off. Does...that make sense?" "Yes, Clarke....that makes sense. But....umm.....what does that mean for you guys...protection wise? Could she get you pregnant?" "Jeez-us, fuck!" "Clarke.....??" "Raven...I.....didn't even think about that. Shit fuck cunt! I don't know. We never discussed it. And last night she didn't.....mention wrapping it. She didn't pull out either, so.......Fuck, I don't know." "Don't you think you should....ask?" Raven questions her, adding "That kind of shit is mega important, Griff." "Well, yeah, I mean I'm freaking out a little now. Like....I came for vacation but what if I go back home....with...." "It's not a souvenir, Clarke." "Shut the fuck up, Rae! Don't you think I know that! God, I didn't intend for this to happen. Any of this. You can't say anything to anyone, Raven! You're sworn to secrecy." "Look, Hakuna your tatas. I won't say anything. And I'm not saying I would have kept my panties on either, BUT.....I would have thought to ask." the brunette offers, half-teasing. "Sure, I don't remember peoples names, sometimes, but consent and protection are BIG on my list of priorities." "Shit. I have to ask her. If she can then......I guess we can just go get the Plan B pill or something. I don't know. FUCK! Me and my damn quivering ovaries! Curses!"

"You and me, both." Raven waggles her eyebrows at her. "'Cause that bitch there is hella fine. I'd really have to weigh it out I mean.....watching her beat it up a couple REALLY good times in the mirror, MIGHT be worth a 9 month struggle. We'd make beautiful children...little mexi-mixes....What nationali-" "SHUT IT, Raven!" the blonde challenges and points her finger, "Her children are mine!" "Greedy bitch. Whatever. Have the hypothetical hybrid baby. I'll just wait 18 years and then pluck them up from mama's nest! I'll be in my sexual prime, then, anyway." "You'll stay away from my hypothetical love child or I'll sew Gatita shut! Have you forgotten?! I know how!" "Let's not make any rash decisions here, Griffin." Raven reasons with her. "Think about your grandchildren..." "RAVEN!" "Okay but seriously, Clarke. What are you going to do if....?? I mean how serious are you guys?" "I love her, Raven.....it's scary but I love her with everything I have...." ***

09:05pm - Wanheda: everybody's at bel and gina's. i came back to my room early. just come upstairs when u get here. 09:06pm - Heda: See you in 20 or less. Telling the folks good night, grabbing my stuff, and I'll be on my way :)

The text came as Lexa was saying telling her mom goodnight and grabbing her bag. She and Clarke had talked about earlier about her staying at the beach-house so they didn't cause any 'disturbances' for her parents. Lexa had been all to keen as she figured it meant they'd be getting a little rowdy. The text made her think the blonde was probably upstairs, in bed, waiting for her now. So she tried to hurry up her 'au revoir' in the hopes of getting there before any of her housemates made it back. As she walks into the house, she hears music. Following up the stairs and into the hallway, she realizes it's coming from Clarke's room. She enters to see a body in the bed, completely covered by the comforter, breaths deep and long as if she was already asleep. Guess I tired her out last night. And with all the drama today... But she decides, in her own excitement, to wake the blonde up in the best way she can think of. She sets her bag down in cushy chair beside the bedroom door and makes her way over to the bed. She doesn't bother getting under the covers yet, she just crawls from the foot of the bed up over and onto the bundled body that was now beneath her. She kisses her shoulder through the covers and nuzzles with her nose - cute at first

until she bites down gentle and grinds her pelvis into the hip and buttocks of the girl. It was a fantastic plan - perfectly executed as she felt the body shift under her - until she saw jet black hair appear from under the blanket. "JESUS FUCK!" she yelled as she leaped back off the bed. "OH MY GOD!" the girl screamed as she sat up. "Jesus, toma el volante.." "What the....who the.....??" "HOLY SHIT!" the dark haired beauty squeals, "It's r-really you! Fuck me! I mean you..me fuck you. Wait! What I mean is....Oh dear Lord. You are the most beautiful specimen of a human being..." "Umm...I......Thank you." Lexa says maintaining their awkward eye-contact. "I'm-" "Oh, I know who you are! TRUST! I know EXACTLY who you are. Sentí que mi ovarios aljaba.." "What?? Where is Clarke???" "She's in the shower," the other girl offers. "I snuck into her bed because everybody's getting trashed at Camp BigBlake and they're loud and I was tired and I couldn't sleep in O's bed because the amount of debauchery that it probably saw last night.....at least I got to Clarke's before you guys...wait, have you??? On here...?? Sabes que....don't even worry about it. Hace sentir mas cerca de ti. Oh Fuck! Please ignore me." "I....sorry ab-" "Oh no...about that....that little...grinding thing. Don't worry about it." she rambles. "I mean, not that you're little. DEFINITELY not little. What I'm saying is........I was into it. TOTALLY into it. Hell, I'd lick the sweat off your ent- I mean, not that I would ever do that to Griffin...I totally wouldn't..but-Gosh damn the world owes your parents a debt of gratitude. You are so sinfully scrumptious-" "I'm gonna stop you there...she told you??" Lexa questions. "About me?" "Told me about you?? Dios Mio! Yes, I've known and fantasized about you for almo-OH, Wait you mean.....#hybridstatus....well, yeah....I mean...she just told me toda-" "Hashtag WHAT??" the brunette's voice croaked. "BABE!" Clarke's voice rang from the doorway. "Raven?!! What the fuck are you doing here? And in my bed??" "I was napping." The girl defends herself. "I can't nap in O's 'Den of Desires'. You already kno-" "Okay but....there's a couch downstairs, Rae." "Yes....but your bed is more comfortable. Plus, I was hoping to be included." She winks at Lexa. "OUT! Get out!" The blonde demands.

"No, you know what, you can stay." Lexa says reaching for her bag on the chair. "I'm leaving." "W-what??" Clarke stutters. "Lexa...wait!" But the brunette is already halfway down the stairs. Fight or flight mode, she thinks, and I'm not going to fight with you. "LEXA!! STOP!!!" Clarke calls after her as she makes it out the door and down the drive way. "Lexa, please!" She stops momentarily to drop her back in the backseat and by the time the door shuts Clarke is in front of her, leaving against the driver's door keeping it shut.

Please move. Please move because I'm fucking scared I can't control myself... "Clarke....please, just....just move. Let me go. I just need to get away from here..." "No! What happened??" the blonde reaches for her, but she pulls back. "Talk to me. Please......whatever it is....we can...we can fix it...." "YOU CAN'T FIX ME CLARKE!" It erupts from within her before she can stop it. A scream she never meant to let out - a statement reflecting more her own self hatred than anything she'd heard from Clarke. But she couldn't help it. She'd thought she was over this - thought she was okay with herself. But after everything she and Anya had spoken about, the things that Costia had said about her, and then she'd...... "Lexa....please, I love you. I don't.....I don't want to fix you..." "YOU TOLD HER!" "I'm sorry. She's my best friend. I tell her everything.." "She called me a hybrid!" "Babe, I'm sorry. But, I used that word first. Not her. It's not her fault. I never meant it to hurt your feelings...I-" "You never thought I'd find out..." she says, straight faced, trying to regain control. "People tend to say a lot of shit when they don't think they'll have to stand behind what they've said. The fact that you never said it to ME, means you knew it would be hurtful.." "That's not it! Lex, I said it in a text after the conversation we had about your gender identity and about how you reminded me of the angels in those paintings...and....you said you were blended and proud of it...and.." "Yes...I said it. Not you. You should ask before you apply words to me." the brunette stops, shaking her head. She bites back the need to yell as she continues. "God, it's not even the word that bothers me. It's the way you use it. I'm not a fucking fetish or a hashtag-label for you and your friend. Is my dick the only thing you're interested in?? Is that all you wanted from me...?? Because if so, you could have said so. You could have said so and I'd have given it to you. Without anything else attached. Is that what you want?? Is it Clarke? You want me to fuck you until you can't walk straight and send you back to Gainesville, back home with your friends and a good fucking story to tell??"

"Fuck you, Lexa. Go to hell!"

Just turn and leave, Woods. Go, now! Don't say another fucking word. Control your temper. And so she does. Leaving her Jeep in the driveway, she turns towards the road and Clarke follows close behind. "So that's it?? You're just gonna walk away from this?? Where's the badass stunt bitch??" She taunts her. "Where's the fighter I saw this morning??! No?? Nothing??"

Keep walking, she says as she stands on the curb, watching for cars before she jets out to cross the street. Just keep walking. Don't let her provoke you. "WHERE'S HEDA, NOW?!?! HUH??" the blonde screams out to her, stepping out into the roadway. It makes Lexa turn midway and face her, seeing her face change and the tears running down her cheeks. "Where is she....?? Where's MY Heda??"

I'm still here... And Clarke doesn't even see it. The diagonal angle they've taken leaves her back to the oncoming traffic - the car that's just hit that slight curve in road, headed right for her and she doesn't notice the change in her shadow on the road as the lights get closer. But Lexa sees it. Her mind working in overdrive to figure out her movements as her instincts take over and she's moving towards Clarke before she can speak. She registers the confused look on the blonde's face - weren't they just yelling at each other? - and it feels like time has stopped as she sprints towards her.

No No NO!! Come on, Woods! Punch it!! Faster!!! "CLARKE!!" she screams as she closes in, jutting her arms out in front of her and pushing Clarke back onto the sidewalk. As the car makes impact, she feels the most unfathomable pain as her body flips on top of the car and over onto the concrete. It's quickly followed by a release. "LEXA!!!!"

'It makes you brave - braver than you already are', she remembers Anya's words in the last second of consciousness, feeling a hand grab hers, their fingers intertwining. She hears nothing save for the voice in her head. 'We protect the ones we love.'

Notes: 'chil au' - chill out 'Hodnes laik kwelnes, Lexa!' - Love is weakness, Lexa! 'Suéltame!' - Let go! 'Relajate, Lexa! Basta ya!' - Just relax, Lexa! Stop it! 'BAJATE!' - GET OFF!

'No te vayas!' - Don't go! 'Estoy fuera!' - I'm out! 'Ai Kongeda, otaim.' - My Family, Always. 'Feva en otaim.' - Forever and Always 'Em ste gona. Em laik yuj!' - She's a warrior. She's strong! 'em ste presh' - she is precious 'Hodnes nou laik kwelnes. En's uf. En jova.' - Love is not weakness. It's power. And courage. 'Ogonzaun?' - Truce? 'Sha. Ogonzaun, leks-snacha!' - Yeah, truce, Lexacoon! [combination of Leksa and snacha which means raccoon in Trig] 'ay guey!' - oh shit! 'Jesus, toma el volante..' - Jesus take the wheel.. 'Sentí que mi ovarios aljaba..' - I felt my ovaries quiver.. 'Sabes que?' - You know what? 'Hace sentir mas cerca de ti' - Makes me feel closer to you 'Dios Mio' - My God

Chapter 13: Rather Be Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "Clarke..." she can hear Raven's voice, her hand rubbing her shoulder. "Clarke, come on. Let's go shower and change. We'll come back in a little bit, okay?" "I'm not leaving her Raven." "Griff, her family's here. She's not alone. Come on. Let's go to the beachhouse and freshen up. O and the gang are waiting to hear how she's doing. Plus, I'm not judging or anything but, you stink." "I'm NOT leaving her." the blonde states, plainly. She grips the covers around the sleeping brunette. "Just bring me a change of clothes or something if it makes you feel better, but I'm not....I can't leave her, Rae." "Clarke, she'll be fine..." "Raven!" It's a higher pitched tone that Raven understands to mean it's not up for negotiation. "I can't just leave her. She wouldn't leave me...if this were me. She did this for-this is....I just can't. If you need to go, that's fine. I'll be fine. Just go." "Okay. I'll be back soon. Text me....if you think of anything you need." she says walking towards the door. She turns, calling back to her friend, cuddled up in the hospital bed next to her girlfriend. "Clarke, it's gonna be okay. She's going to be okay." But Clarke doesn't answer her. She doesn't respond, because there are no words. No words that she can find to describe how she feels. How had they gotten here? How had she ended up here in this bed next to this incredibly beautiful human being? She never

thought when she and Lexa had started texting - when Lexa was just 'Charming' - that they were ever going be anything more than text replies in the middle of the night. She never imagined hours upon hours of phone conversations - those same countless hours of missed sleep because they just couldn't hang up. She definitely never thought they'd meet. It seems like the kind of thing you see in movies, and her life was NOT a movie. But right now - in this exact space and time - she felt like it very well could have been. Laying here, at Lexa's side, her arm draping over her trying to protect her from unseen foes - but wasn't she the reason this had happened? The pain of betrayal that she had seen etched across the brunette's face hours ago. The knowledge that she had shared one of Lexa's biggest secrets and that even after that, even after what Lexa had said about her and after she had basically told her to fuck off, the girl had still risked her life to save her. "Hey Clarke." the voice came to her from the doorway to Lexa's private hospital room. "She still resting easy?" "Hey, Layne." she said, looking up at him. "Yeah. Nothing but, it feels like. She seems so peaceful. I love it....but I hate it at the same time. I just want her to wake up, now." "Give her time. She just needs the rest." he says, resting his hand on his sister's foot. "You doing okay?" "Not really. I can't stop thinking about it. About her....running towards me and....she looked so scared, Layne. She was diving in front of a car, pushing me back out of the road, being this...heroic guardian angel. And yet....she looked terrified. How is that??" "Duality." he says with a shrug. "But you shouldn't be worrying yourself with that. That kind of stuff doesn't scare her. She literally gets paid to be 'Captain Super-Save-A-Hoe' with all her pyrotechnics and shit..so she's used to that. " He offers her a smile, but it doesn't comfort her. "You didn't see her face...." "Honestly, I don't have to, Clarke. I don't need to see her face to know that she was more scared of losing you than anything else." His words hit her as she lays her head back down on Lexa's chest.

How does he always know what to say?? "How can you be so calm about all of this?" she queries. "How do we know she's going to wake up and be....okay? What if she's not??" "Me and my folks, we've been through this before with her." he explains, taking a seat in the empty chair Raven had left. "Hazards of the job. She's one of the best at what she does and that's because she takes chances that other people probably would think twice about. It also means that she's gonna eat it more times than them, too. Ge smak daun; gyon op nodotaim. That's how she operates. We stay strong and we bare it because she's a fighter, Clarke. She's going to wake up. She's breathing on her own and aside from a broken arm and collarbone and a shit-ton of road-rash and bruises, she's in relatively one piece. It really could have been much worse - it has been before, believe me. She's lucky. All that training for work probably helped her. The driver said it

looked like she jumped and twisted her body before he hit her. Might be something she learned before and...muscle memory you know? I don't know. But I do know that worrying the way you are.....it isn't going to help anything." "I just want her to come back....." she whispers, her eyes watering. "She will.." his voice is almost as soothing as Lexa's, but it's still no consolation. "How do you know that? How can you be sure?" "Zodon." He tells her. "Fate. You two were meant to meet and I don't believe the universe puts so much effort into two people meeting just to erase it all in one fell swoop. Do you?"

No. I don't want to....

"Hey Layne.....?" "Yeah...?" "She said something last night....while we were waiting for the ambulance to get there..but it...was really noisy out there and....her voice was so....it just didn't sound like it made sense to me. I thought....maybe you'd know if it was...?" "If she was speaking Trig, you mean?" he offers. "Yeah. It sounded like.....I hold you in. Oh time. And then she said something like....Maybe oh so naw hit-" "'Ai hod yu in, otaim." he cooes, interrupting her recitation. "Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim. Bida-weron raun ona en gonot feva'. It's part of a poem my dad used to read to us." "Oh....what does it mean?" "It means....'I love you, always. May we meet again. Somewhere inside and out of forever.' It was her favorite as a kid. The last line is 'Osir keryon ste teina. Yumi kigon. Skaifaya fleim au, Ogeda.' It means 'Our souls are entwined. You and I, continue. Stars burning out, Together.'"

"Ai hod yu in, otaim. / I love you, always Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim. / May we meet again. Bida-weron raun ona en gonot feva. / Somewhere inside and out of forever. Osir keryon ste teina. / Our souls are entwined Yumi, kigon. / You and I, continue. Skaifaya fleim au, Ogeda. / Stars burning out, Together."

She lets the words sink in, the weight of them settling in her heart. "Does she.....Do you think she really believes in that? In fate? And soul mates?" He turns the page of the magazine he's holding, his face looks like he's deciding how to answer. "We've been brought up believing it. The Trikru, our parents' Indigenous ancestors, they believed in it. Most of their descendants today still do. Our parents taught us to believe in it. To believe in souls and a person's energy...reincarnation." he smiles at her, "The question is.....do you believe in that?" "I do with her..." The answer was simple. She didn't know if she'd ever believed in soulmates and being reborn into a different existence, but if she could believe it....she could believe in it with Lexa. "I didn't know she liked poetry." she says, reflecting on previous conversations between the two of them. "Did your parents read that sort of stuff to you a lot as children?" "All the time. My dad learned to speak Spanish the same time we did because he felt it was important to incorporate some of the Spanish poets into our nightly readings. He was never one to half-ass something. He and Lexa loved Mario Benedetti and Pablo Neruda." he pauses, looking up at Clarke. "You didn't see her tattoo?" "I......I guess not..." "I'm surprised. I know you two did the dirty. Anyways, it's under her left breast. She got it done so it would curve right under...maybe that's why you didn't see it...I don't know. It says 'mi amor mi cómplice y todo'.." "What does it mean?" "It's a line from Benedetti's poem 'Te Quiero' and it means 'my love, my accomplice, and everything'." he replies, turning a page. "Same side where her heart is because she says that's what her heart is looking for..." "I like hearing about that side of her. I wish.......I wish I knew more of that side. She's charming, but....I don't think we really got to that romantic stage yet. We kinda didn't even know what we were until.....now.." "Patience, grasshopper." He chuckles. "You'll get there. It takes as long as it takes." "What if she...? What if she's not okay?" "Clarke, Fea's gonna to be fine. Chil au. Em gonplei nou ste odon." "Whatever curses you just flung at me....stop it." she jokes. "I said Chill out. Her fight is not over." "Thank you, Layne."

He throws her another grin without even looking up. "Not a problem, Sunshine. Just don't expect the same treatment from Anya."

***

There's a pressure on my chest. I'm not dead, though. I mean....right? If you feel shit.....you're not dead. The first thing she see's when she opens her eyes is a head full of blonde hair, pulled up into a messy bun, laid out over the left side of her chest. The entire right side of her body feels......like she was hit by a car, most definitely. The sling that holds her right arm in place is not new to her. Not my first rodeo, she thinks. The tight feeling in her forearm is, however, uncomfortable and she gathers from the inability to move it much that she's got a cast. Any color but pink, she thinks, chancing a peak.

Black. Perfect. I fucking LOVE twin telepathy!

As Lexa peaks over to the chair she catches Layne smiling at something in a magazine. If it hadn't been for the cake on the front along with the title Southern Living, she would have thought he was looking at porn. But, she conceded, food porn is a close second for both of us. "Hey brosef," she calls out, barely a whisper it seems as her throat feel scratchy and raw. "How's mom and dad?" "Hey hey! They're good. They're sitting outside actually - talking to one of mom's friends. Her mother's in a room just down the hall. You, uh, you want me to get them?" "No. no. I just....wanted to make sure they weren't too worried." "Lex..." he laughs, "They're doing what they always do. Mom is talking about different career fields you could succeed in and dad is telling her how much you'd hate them. Meanwhile, I sit here reading about celebrity love-lives and cakes that look so good I coul-" "Do not," she rasps, "finish that sentence.." "TMI, okay. How are YOU feeling?" "I seem to have grown another appendage.." she uses her eyes to gesture to the blonde who's practically melted into her. "How long has she been here?" "As long as you have. She road in the back of the ambulance with you." her brother tells her. "From what I heard, she asked a fuck-ton of questions, too. Asked the EMT's why they hadn't checked your 'lung sounds' yet and all kinds of medical shit. Didn't realize

they had a surgeons kid in the back with 'em. And don't get nervous, but she called her mom." "wha-.....why??" "Because she was worried about you, stupid. Why do you think?! She said her mom's going to drive down here tomorrow. So I guess we'd better get you ready to meet your mother-in-law. Make sure you're all 'Disney Prince' or whatever." Lexa laughs and Clarke stirs next to her, but doesn't wake up just yet. "How do I look....??" "Ugly as ever. But, the road-rash helps, a little." "Shut up! Should I wake her up? How long has she been asleep?" "Eh, couple hours. She would probably want to know that you're awake. Can't guarantee she'll stay up and chat, but....she was really upset and I'm sure knowing you're alright would help her." "Can you....give us a minute?" "Take your time," he gets up from the chair and moves towards the bed, paying his hand on her head gently. "I'll tell the Rents that you're up and enjoying a conjugal before you actually have to socialize." "Do not tell them that..." she rolls her eyes. "But hey, Layne....Thank you. For sitting with her." "Lex....I like the girl." he states. "And if you fuck this up, I swear I will have no qualms about swooping in on my trusty white steed and stealing her away from you. You got me? Just talk to her, okay?" "Got it. Thanks, you douche-canoe." "Anytime, fuckface. Love you." he calls out as he hits the doorway. "Seintaim."

***

She looks tired. Gorgeous, but tired. She tells me I look like those angels but.....she's a painting all her own.

She carefully moves her left arm up around Clarke's back to rub her shoulder. At first, there's just a shimmy. But then the blonde's hand moves across her abdomen and clutches at covers as she coils into herself before stretching back out and releasing the covers to rub the sleep out of her eyes. The brunette watches her, taking in how simple

and sweet this moment is. She almost doesn't want to ruin it with words - not the way she had last night. Still, it cannot go unsaid. "Hey..." she tries to make her voice delicate, hoping it will help ease the tension she feels. Clarke's head moves so that her eyes are on her in an instant. And in that same instant, her heart aches. "Hey. Are...are you okay? How do you feel? Do you need...water or anything?" "Shhhh..." the brunette closes her eyes for a second, offering her a tiny smirk. "I'm fine. I do this shit for a living. But, I um.....I do want to apologize for....how I acted last night." "Lexa, no. I should be apologizing. I shouldn't have told Raven. Not without asking you first. And I shouldn't have called you tha-" "Hey, I'm not mad at you, Clarke. May sound fucking ridiculous, but the truth is....I was never mad at you. I....I was hurt. But it started before I even got there last night. I was upset about something Anya had told me and I shouldn't have allowed that to affect me the way it did. I was already tense and...hadn't had a way to let it out and when Raven said that..It just set me off. I should have stayed and....tried to talk it out. I was so childish running away like that..." "What happened? What did Anya say to you to....get you so upset?" "Costia." She says the name as if that explains it all, thought she knows it doesn't. "She and Anya were dating. Back when Arabella and I...well...yeah. When Anya heard about what happened, she brought it up to Cos and...apparently, she sided with her sister. Made it sound like...I had forced myself on her. That's......that's why Anya ended things. Not because Arabella did what she did. But because Costia implied that I had raped her...." "Oh my God! Lexa..." "It just really bothered me because....I was always so afraid after everything that Arabella was going to tell people about me. I was so insecure back then. And I really felt like....like Costia understood and respected me. Even though we had no feelings for each other I thought at least we had respect. But.....I was just a way for her to get to Anya. I was....her own little private show and....I felt stupid when Anya told me. I realized, ya know, Costia had been holding on to that.....just waiting for an opportunity to pull that card and....she did at that party. I just felt so fucking foolish. And then I was on your bed, thinking I was kissing your shoulder and grinding up on you and....it was your friend and, yeah, I freaked. I freaked because I was worried you would be upset, and because I was embarrassed, and then I freaked because she called me that. I shouldn't have tried to run like that but...." "It's okay, Lex, I get it. I understand. I should have given you space if you needed it.." "No, Clarke all I wanted was to be there - with you. When I went there last night I just wanted to lay in bed with you and let it all go. But I got upset and I kept hearing what Anya said about how I could have hurt you when I flipped that table and...I didn't even think about it when I did it and....I just didn't want to take a chance that I would lash out and hurt you...I never want to hurt you. Even when we made love, when I grabbed your throat, I wasn't trying to hurt you, Clarke....I wasn't trying to force yo-"

"Hey," the blonde says, reaching up to cup her cheek."Don't go there, babe. I would never have let you do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Believe me on that. I think.....I think maybe we just moved a little fast because we just got so excited and caught up in the moment. I don't regret it. Not at all. But I do think....maybe we should talk about things. I realized today that.....there's a lot I don't know about you, still. Things that can't really be learned by text or phone calls, ya know? And I really do want to get to know those things - I really want to see those sides of you. Okay? Let's just....take our time. We have time...even if it's not while I'm here this time. We're not far from each other, you know? We can figure it out." "I agree." the brunette nods. "I....I heard you road with me. Heard you called your mom, too." Clarke lets out a soft giggle. "I did. She's-um....she's coming tomorrow. She's actually anxious to meet you. She was sort of taken aback by my hysterical crying last night when I called..so there's no telling whether shes going to hug you for making me call her while I was on vacation and avoiding her or if she'll play the human-lie detector game which I have to say scares me more than your mother's form of interrogation. So...vaya con dios, babe." "Nice! I can see your friend has been teaching you more. I like it." She winks at the blonde. "Layne said we need to give me a 'Disney Prince' make-over before my 'mother in law' gets here." "No." the girl says, shaking her head. "Just you. No make-over. No nothing like that. I want her to see you for you. Because that's why I love you. Lex....it's not your body I wanted. I mean, yes, I wanted that too. But honestly, I just wanted to know what it would be like to be able to be next to you. To talk to you without having to worry about cellphones dropping the call or text messages riddled with auto-correct. To be able to hold your hand. I want to learn secrets about you. And not because you told me....but because I saw them. Because I witnessed you in action. That's what I want. To be in action, with you." "I want that too. And we can have that. Someday. I just over-reacted last night. A lot not even a little. And, maybe it's the pain meds in this IV," she shrugs "but I actually think 'hybrid' sounds kinda cool. I wouldn't have thought to apply it to myself but...it's kinda rad. Very SciFi. I've worked on a couple SciFi movie sets, you know? They're actually some of my favorites because of all the oddities you don't get to see on your average jo-schmo, run of the mill action/adventure set. They have kick-ass weaponry too. FYI. And listen.....I don't care that Raven knows. I just....ask me, next time. Okay? I'm not trying to hide who I am and....I'm honestly not ashamed I just...don't want to be paraded around either.." "I understand, babe. I really do. But, I do have one question. Kinda important and, actually, Raven is the one who brought it to my mind so...here goes. The other night..........we didn't use a condom and.....I'm not on the pill because I wasn't being 'active' after we started talking - color me emotionally attached or whatever. But I mean, you didn't pull out, and I wasn't sure. Can you-could you......get me pregnant?" "Yeah....this is probably one of those things we should have talked about before, huh?" Lexa says, crinkling her nose and squinting at the blonde. "Umm...technically, yes. I could. However, my doctor has told me before that the chances are......slim." "Ah ha. So....I should be good, then."

"Yes, but....I can understand if you'd want to....make sure. You know, Plan B or whatever it's called." Clarke nods gently. "I'll probably have Raven pick it up for me just to be safe, then." "I ruined your vacation, didn't I?" the brunette questions. "You should be out at the beach or something. Not in here in a hospital bed with me." "Shut your pretty mouth, right now. I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you, got it?" the blonde says, lifting her finger to give her a light boop on the nose. "No more trying to walk away from me. That shit fucking hurts, Lex." "No more, Clarke. I swear it." "Good, because we didn't spend a year talking via cellular device alone just to forget how once we're actually in person. Feel me?" "Yeah, I feel you." the brunette chuckles.

The door opens and in walks a nurse with deep red hair and black scrubs. She walks over to the wall with the gloves, grabs a pair, and begins to put them on. "Hi, Miss Woods, I'm Laurel. Your brother let us know that you were awake, now, and I figured I would come and remove your catheter, if you feel you'd be okay without it. I'm going to lift the gown just far enough to see to remove it and once I'm done I'll make sure I pull it back down, okay? I will try to make it quick and as painless as possible. Ma'am?" She gestures to Clarke. "If you want to wait outside for me, please?" "I'd rather not." the blonde says calmly, turning her gaze back to the girl she's laying next to. "Do you mind if I stay?" The brunette nods her head. "It's fine. You can stay." She looks at the nurse for confirmation. "Would it be okay....if she stayed?" "It's fine. I just wasn't sure if you'd rather have the privacy. I didn't want to assume anything. Are we ready?" Lexa nods, facing up towards the ceiling. She feels Clarke's hand come up and brush over her forehead and down, tucking baby hairs behind her ear. She feels the covers being moved away from her, and her gown being lifted up just enough for the cold hospital air to hit the tip of her member.

FUCK. She shivers, trying not to look down because, of the many things she'd love to be looking down at, that tube coming out of her junk is certainly not one of them. "So Layne told me you have a tattoo..." The question, as well as the fact that Clarke is using it to help take her mind off of things, amuses her. "I guess I must have missed that the other night."

"Well," she says biting back a shit-eating grin, "it would be impossible NOT to miss it as it is almost directly in the crease under my left breast. It is also done in a combination of white and black-light ink. I planned on joining the military and I didn't want any visible tattoos. The tattoo was designed to be discreet. Which he is very well aware of, so-" "So he was just fucking with me, then?" This makes the nurse gasp and then turn beet red as she chokes down a laugh. "Yes, I believe he was. Trust me, anyone would miss it if they didn't know it was there to begin with." Lexa assures her. "Plus, you didn't exactly get....up close and personal with that particular area the other night.." Again, the nurse snorts and her face turns about 100 different shades of red. "True. But, I also have a bone to pick with you about a certain translation you gave me yesterday." Clarke presses. "What you said and what your brother said doesn't match up, Charming, so how would you like to dig yourself out of that one?"

Well this isn't awkward. I've got a nurse holding my junk, pulling a tube out from it, and my girlfriend - in the same bed observing said nurse and her death grip on said junk asking me why I may or may not have misinterpreted what I said to her during sex. Totally not awkward at all. "Well.....in the interest of full disclosure....I wasn't sure you would remember what I said, at least not that part of it, and certainly not well enough to ask my brother to verify it's meaning." "You're a secret romantic and a poetry nerd and you were worried I would find out, huh?" Lexa doesn't have a chance to respond as she feels the pull between her legs and the nurse releases the hold on her not long after. She looks down to catch Clarke's attention turned to what is going on as well and she blushes. The blonde looks back up at her, blowing her a kiss before she speaks. "All done, love. You are now free of your leash, my wildling." "Indeed you are," the nurse tells her as she flips the gown back down and covers her again. "But don't go trying to roam free just yet. There's gonna be a discussion about your injuries and your limitations over the healing period. I can tell you're gonna be a difficult patient when it comes to behaving and letting yourself recoup, but I still have to read you the whole riot act before you make your escape. Hold still, I'll be back in a few. You ready for me to have your folks come back?" "Yeah....that's fine." Lexa answers her. "Alright then. I'll see you in just a bit. Mind your Mrs." she orders with a smile towards Clarke. "Of course..." The nurse opens the door and exits just in time for an intruder to push her way through and move to shut the door behind her.

"Okay, so....I was pretty goddamn sure I told you to be carefu-" she starts before whipping around to face the two girls in the bed,"-uuuUUUCK, Lex! I thought you already had your bout with the 'ugly stick'?! Shit!" "Nice to see you, again, too, An." Anya turns her attention to the blonde, "Always a pleasure, Blondie. If Layne hadn't already given me all the chisme, I'd be asking what she did to make you kick her ass. She been behaving?" "Mostly." Clarke reports back to her. "She got a little lippy earlier, but she shouldn't be a problem anymore." "Well, I'm glad to see you left her alive..mostly." she jokes. "I am a merciful god." "I like her, Lex. I can see why you took the hit." the older girl quips. "ANYA!" They scold her in unison. "What? Too soon?"

Notes: 'vaya con dios' - Go with God. 'chisme' - gossip

Chapter 14: Wading Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text 04:47pm - Griffter: hey rae, lex is awake and doing well. all tests came back okay - no internal injuries, thank god. cath was removed just a bit ago. she even got up and walked around her room to show nurse laurel what a fucking champ she is. 04:48pm - Griffter: shes being discharged soon and i'm gonna go with her to her parents place. i'll get the address or directions or something. can u bring my stuff? 04:52pm - RaverReyes: no problemo Griffin. the gang's glad to hear shes up and at 'em. O&Co told me to pass along the message to 'champ' that if she needs anything, just holla. annnnnnd they would like to meet her ;) 04:54pm - Griffter: she says she would love to meet them as well. tomorrow? my mom will be here tomorrow too and it will probably be best to distract her with everyone being there so she cant just focus on lex. u kno how she gets. 04:55pm - RaverReyes: oh shit. yeah I forgot Abbz was coming. we'll make plans to come over there tomorrow. let me know the address later and i'll bring ur stuff.

04:57pm - Griffter: thanks. OH and rae.....do u think u can get ur grubby little paws on a plan b pill? we had the talk >.< chances are slim, but better to be safe. 04:59pm - RaverReyes: u underestimate the things these hands can do ;) i got u covered Clarkey. behave urself over there. don't do anything i wouldn't do. 05:00pm - Griffter: ur a gem, really. ur also not limiting my choices alot XP

***

"Pauna, you need a bath..." her mother scolds her. "We have those plastic protectors for the cast but you have to bathe. You still have blood and dirt on you - gravel and shell in your hair. It's not up for discussion." "Ma! Stop! I'm not a kid." "You are. You're MY kid. Always have been and always will be. And I do not care how old you get, I will take care of you and whip your ass when you disobey me. Get in there and start the water. I'll be in there in a bit." "Mama!! I don't need you to bathe me! I'll find a way to do it!" "Lexa Arielle, please do not try me tonight..." "Mom, I'll be fine. I can do it myself. You act like I've never done this before." Clarke enters Lexa's room to hear the tail end of the argument. "What's going on?" she asks. The older woman huffs, "She needs to take a bath. Get the stink and grime off of her before she goes to sleep in that bed." "And my mother is trying to tell me she's going to help me....but I can do it myself.." "No you can't, Lex." the blonde tells her. "Look, happy medium, okay. I'll help you. You don't need to be moving around and stretching. You heard the instructions. No exerting yourself." "Clarke, I am perfectly capable of bathing myself..." "Lexa do not argue with me." she says sternly, pointing her finger at the wooden dresser across the room. "Get up and pick out a change of clothes while I get the shower running. I need to shower anyway, might as well conserve water. Plus you don't need to be soaking your leg in filthy bathwater." She looks at the girl's mother. "Is that okay with you?" "Do you see her getting up??" the woman asks her, both watching as Lexa raises herself from the bed and walks over to her dresser to get a pair of boxer briefs and then a pair of lounge shorts and loose tank out. Clarke nods at her and Indra smiles and nods back.

"Alright then. I'm good with it. But, no horse-playing in my shower or I'll break your arm too, you hear?" "Loud and clear, Mamabear!" Clarke tells her with a wink. As Indra leaves the room, Clarke turns to Lexa, watching her stand in front of the mirror on her dresser. She turns her head from side to side, surveying the tiny scratches. It makes the blonde wonder how many times she's done this before. How many times she's been injured like this and had to play the "Recovery Waiting Game." "Hey," she calls to her, softly. "You okay, Wild Thang?" "Yeah.." Lexa nods. "I'll be gentle, okay?" Clarke tells her, rubbing her hand at the small of Lexa's back. "I won't bare down too hard and if your uncomfortable with me washing a certain area, just let me know and if it's one that you can get to - with little to no effort - then I'll let you do it. I don't want you to feel like I'm treating you like a kid, babe. I just know that the less you put yourself through right now, the better. You can just stand there and rest and let me take care of you." "Okay." "Hey, gimme a kiss." She puckers up and the brunette's lips meet hers. It's just a peck, but it's an unspoken surrender, and Clarke relishes it. "I'm gonna borrow some of your clothes, if you don't mind, until I can text Raven your address and have her bring me my stuff from the beach-house." "You don't have to stay here with me, Clarke. I don't want you to feel obligated to play nursemaid for me." "Lexa, I don't. I want to be here. I want to be with you. I came on this vacation to get away from my mother and because Bellamy and Octavia invited me. I wasn't planning on really enjoying myself here. I planned on getting shitfaced. I even told you that I would probably just meander around and get lost the whole week. Meeting you here has been.......the biggest and best surprise of my life. And I can't even find it in myself to apologize for wanting to spend as much time as possible with you because in 3 days.... I have to leave you again and....I don't know how I feel about that right now. So I'm just trying to hold it together and be with you while I'm here, instead of being in my head worrying about what happens once I'm gone." "I'm worried about it too, Clarke. That's part of why I'm so fucking angry at myself for arguing with you the way I did. I just want to enjoy the time I have with you..." "I know...and we will." she smiles at the brunette. "But you're not getting out of bathtime. Let's go, Heda! Get that cute little ass of yours in the bathroom, right now!" "Sha, Regia."

***

"Scooch. Let me get your back first." Clarke says, scooting past Lexa so that she's behind her, creating a barrier between her and the spray of the shower. "Does it hurt?" "Not really. Probably a 3 out of 10. Why? Does it look bad?" "A little bruised," the blonde replies. "But not too bad. Just a few tiny cuts and scrapes here and there. Like your face. But your arms and legs took the brunt of it all I think." "Did you ever see yourself doing this? Like when you thought about going to Med school, did you ever see yourself actually doing it or was it just....more in theory??" Clarke thought about it as she let the water soak into the rag. She'd chosen the rag instead of a loofah or a sponge - it would be soft and yet just abrasive enough to create the friction needed to rid her lover of all the nastiness of last night and today. She presses it to Lexa's back and starts the cleaning process. "More of an idea, mostly given to me from the time I was younger when my mom would buy me all those playschool Doctor sets. When I turned 13, she bought me my first real stethoscope. It was expensive. Real fancy schmancy, like the ones doctors wear around. I loved it. it was just like hers. And I wanted more than anything to be like her." "Wanted? You don't.....you don't want to anymore?" "My mother and I don't agree on things." she replies as she rubs the dirt, sweat, and blood off the girl's back. "We have sort of a....strained relationship. We see each other, I work for her, but we don't really speak. More like I don't really speak to her if I don't have to." "But you called her....?" "I was worried about you, Lex. When the doctors first came out and told us they were doing scans...they said they couldn't guarantee there wasn't any internal bleeding or neuro trauma. And I called her because......I wanted to know what to expect. What to look for. How to prepare. And I wanted to know if she knew anything about your doctor. If she knew any surgeons that.....we could trust. My mom knows surgeons from EVERYWHERE. I just.....wanted reassurance. I didn't expect her to.....call in and come here." "Do you not want me to meet her?" Lexa's voice is calm, but Clarke can tell she's unsure of how to think of things between them. "No, I do. It's not that. I just really didn't want to see her right now. I wanted this vacation to be......time away from her. Away from having to play nice and censor myself. I was so tired of faking being happy...." the blonde hand stalls and she leans forward kissing the brunettes shoulder. "But I'm excited for her to meet you. I want her to see the person who actually makes me happy. I adore you, Lexa, and I want her to see that." She continues her circular pattern all along the brunettes back. She kneels down, washing Lexa's legs starting at her ankles and moving up over strong calves and toned thighs.

"Do you have to go back home when your friends leave? Layne and I could take you home later if you wanted. If you stayed longer...I mean." Clarke doesn't answer immediately. Instead she grabs Lexa's hips and leans forward to bite the top of her left butt-cheek, giggling when she hears Lexa's strangled cry of 'CLARKE!' She really could get used to hearing the girl say her name like that. She stands up to move her hands around Lexa's waist to rest on her abdomen, the front of her body flush with her lover's back. "I would love to stay, but unfortunately, I have to get back to work. Working for my mother has it's perks but....she still expects me to complete the tasks I'm given in a timely manner. And I have a project I told her I'd have finished as soon as I got back." "What do you do for her?" "You know when you go into a doctors office or hospital and they all all those posters about the human body - organs and bones and muscle tissue and all?" "Mmhmm.." Clarke can feel the hum of her response reverberating in her chest. "Well I do all of those for my mom's surgical department. There's a surgeon there that just perfected this totally revolutionary new procedure and....there's no posters or teaching materials to help explain to patient's how it works. Some people really need the visual aids and...I've been working on this for a month or so, asking his input and my moms when I have to, and it's almost finished. They're always coming up with new procedures and finding ways to fix older methods. There's a constant need for visual aids in surgical fields, especially." "That is amazing, Clarke. You are truly very talented." "Thank you, babe." she says, moving past Lexa's side again to stand in front of her, head tilted down ever so slightly, staring at her injured collarbone. "I just wish sometimes that my mom could see it that way. She views it more as a consolation prize than an actual career. She really wanted me to be a Doctor. More specially, a surgeon like her. She hated it when I quit to pursue art. She only agreed to let me draw and paint things for her department because she hoped that more exposure to the medical field would spark more of an interest in me. But.....it hasn't. And she's still trying to accept the loss...." "Don't let that bother you." Lexa tells her - her left hand lifting Clarke's chin up to look at her. "Clarke, you do what makes you happy. Don't worry about anyone else." "And what about you?? Shouldn't I worry about you?" "If you're happy, I'm happy." she says, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. "You okay for me to get your shoulders? I'll be as careful as I can..." Lexa nods as she takes a deep breath. "Do your worst." And so she does. She tries to avoid pressing down too hard, moving over shoulders and trap muscles - over collarbones, as gingerly as possible, and down her sternum. She bows her head forward, kissing gently over Lexa's chest where her heart is, letting her forehead rest there as she feels Lexa's arm come up around the back of her neck and head. She tells herself it feels as if the organ itself has reached out to embrace her,

pulling her in closer. She sinks into the feeling for a moment before she pulls away to kneel on the shower floor again, resting her butt on her heals. She reaches out to grab Lexa's right foot, pulling it up slowly to rest on her thigh as she goes over it with the rag. She repeats this process with the left foot as well, before looking up at the brunette's face. She raises up from her relaxed sitting position, her eyes still trained on Lexa's as she realizes she is now at face level with her lover's pelvis. Her lips draw closer and she presses a faint kiss to the area where the top of her thigh met her V-cut - first on the right side and then on the left. "Clarke..." the brunette's voice is breathy, cracking. "I just wanted to kiss you. We agreed to go slow, and I'm going to. But before I leave this beach, I plan to kiss every stretch of skin that my mouth can reach. I want to draw a map of your body in my mind.....so I'll remember it, vividly, even when I can't be with you." "Besa mis labios." she hears the rasp of Lexa's words, but she doesn't understand, until she tells her again, "Kiss my lips, Clarke." "Is that a command, Heda?" "A request, Regia." The blonde gives her a devilish grin. "And if I refuse?" She's suprised to see Lexa bend down and wrap her left arm around her rib-cage, pulling her up off the tile as if she's weightless. She holds her there, pressed against her body. "Do you still refuse?" "I never did.......I just wanted to see your reaction." She kisses the corner of Lexa's mouth, working towards the center as the brunette's lips part and her tongue sneaks out to greet her. "I've still got more scrubbing to do, love. And, as much as I hate to say it..you have to let me go..." "Nowe." The one word response comes out as a whisper as her grip loosens and Clarke steps back, pressing both palms against Lexa's muscled abdomen. "Here..." the blonde hands her the rag, giggling as she tells her, "I'll wash mine while you wash yours, because I don't trust myself to resist temptation..." "And you trust me to?" her eyebrows quirk up in surprise. "Besides...he has a mind of his own, anyway." "Well.." Clarke laughs as she glances down, "he seems to be behaving.......for now." "I think he's still angry.....'cause of the catheter and all." "Awww, yeah probably." She kisses Lexa's neck. "I'll make it up to him, later, don't worry." "Claaarrrrrke, you gotta stop!" Lexa whines. "Okay....no more. I retreat!" the blonde says, throwing her hands up in the air. "I'll move over here and wash myself while you finish up and then I'll wash your hair. Okay?"

"Deal."

***

08:26pm - Griffter: [img178.jpeg] 08:27pm - RaverReyes: r u seriously that lazy that u took a picture of her mail rather than type out an address??? 08:27pm - Griffter: lazy...or more efficient?? it cuts out the chances of autocorrect, too. work smarter, not harder, rae. 08:29pm - RaverReyes: listen here, saucy mcsaucerkins. do not make me regret the efforts i put forth into getting ur 'little friend' ;) 08:30pm - Griffter: i love u reyes! how's gati? lol 08:32pm - RaverReyes: sure sure. oh, i checked - she's still not returning ur calls. 08:32pm - Griffter: lmao ok then. i'll see u when u get here. drive safe. its not that far but still. text me so i can meet u outside. 09:13pm - RaverReyes: O. M. G. fuck me sideways! who is this magnificent motherfucker in the camo shorts outside her house??? 09:15pm - Griffter: lmfao down girl!! it's probably layne. i'm coming out now.

Notes: 'Nowe' - sounds like 'no way', means 'never'

Chapter 15: Thinking Out Loud Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text "How's she doing?" Clarke bites her lip, nodding a little to Raven. "She's....good. I think. She's getting around and doing things. Fighting tooth and nail to keep up the same way she was before. She doesn't want me to help her. Sometimes, it feels like she doesn't want me here at all." "Has she said that, though?"

"No." Raven's hand comes up to find Clarke's arm. "Clarke, you said it yourself. She doesn't do relationships. And that's.....what you're trying to get to, now. Maybe she's scared. Maybe she doesn't know how to handle it. Have you tried talking to her about it?" "She told me she loves me. But I mean, we haven't talked about a 'relationship'. Which is kind of why we slowed things down a bit. We both agreed that we needed to talk about things and make sure we're on the same page before we get too deep. But Rae, I feel like I'm already all-in. And it's killing me thinking maybe she's not. She says things that....make me feel so fuzzy and tingly. But then, she can turn around and say things that make me feel like she doesn't trust me. Or like....she thinks I feel obligated to stick around. Sometimes I think she blames me. For what happened..." "Griffin, she doesn't blame you. She's a grown woman, okay? She did what she felt like she had to do. It was her decision to make. She wouldn't blame you for that." Raven squeezes her arm to make sure she has her full attention. "But ask yourself how often she's had someone there for her like this? Someone that WASN'T her family. She's probably done this a lot, and she's probably done it on her own. I'm sure she does love you, but maybe she doesn't understand what loving someone really means and what a relationship entails. But you can show her that. Just give her time, Clarke. Show her what it feels like to have someone ground you. You can't run screaming for the hills every time you feel like something isn't quite right. You two BOTH need to learn how to plant your feet." "You're right Rae. I know that. She asked me if I could stay. After you guys left...." "See?? She wants you here. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't. What did you tell her?" "That I couldn't." Clarke shakes her head, letting out a huff. "I have that project to finish for Dr. Velez and I promised I'd have it done as soon as I got back." "Fair enough. But after that? It's not that far away. You could always come back and stay a while. I mean, what are you guys, now?" "I can't think about that right now, Ra-" "Hey Sunshine, Fea outta the shower yet?" Layne calls out to her, walking towards Clarke and Raven. "Yeah, she's out. Can you go make sure she's got her sling back on?" "Sure, throw me to the wolf." he says, trademark smirk in place. "If I'm not back in 10 minutes, send the team in." "Ha. Alright. " Clarke giggles. "Oh, Layne, this is my best-friend/room-mate, Raven." He reaches out his hand for Raven and she takes it far too eagerly. "A pleasure." "Mmm...Pleasure indeed." Raven hums in return. "Raven'll be here again tomorrow, with the rest of our band of misfits. They all want to meet Lex."

"No complaints, here. Mi casa es su casa." he offers with a smile pointed to Raven. "Mi cuerpo es tuya." Raven mutters, under her breath. She doesn't expect either of them to hear her, let alone understand her, but Layne does and takes no time in replying. "Dámelo , entonces!" Raven's eyes widen and Layne licks his lips and grins before turning to go inside. "Ummmm...." Clarke interrupts Raven's staring, "what was all that, Reyes?" "I let something slip and......he TOTALLY countered." Raven stated, still in a daze. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me he knew Spanish?!? Oh my G! I fucking want him. Clarke, I NEED him! That's her brother??" "Yep" Clarke lets the P at the end just pop "Twinsies. They both speak Spanish, too, by the way..." "Fuck me. I-It's meant to be. We're joined for life Griffin. You and her - me and him. It's perfect. Our children will be the best of friends! You and me will grow old together and watch daytime soaps in our easy-lift recliners." "Hey, go for it, Rae. You've got my stamp of approval! All systems go!" the blonde chuckles, giving her a thumbs up. "He's a good guy. He'd probably be good for you." "Shut up. I'm good by myself." Raven says, only a tad offended. "But I do want him. Unnff. Gati wants him. Okay! We're going home to prepare ourselves. Gati needs to look her best, just in case. We'll see you tomorrow Griffin. And figure your shit out. Abbz is gonna be here and she's gonna be on you. You need to be strong. Gird up your loins!" "Whatever, Raven. I fucking know! I'm trying not to go into panic mode in front of Lexa. I don't want her to see me like that. I'll see you tomorrow. Be safe! Give the gang my love!"

***

"Raven didn't want to come inside?" Lexa asks her as she walks into the bedroom. "No, she was too busy making heart eyes at your brother. And, I may have been mistaken, but I'm pretty sure he reciprocated." "They'd actually make a good couple. They both say wildly inappropriate things and have a very healthy sexual appetite." "That's what I said. Raven was entirely too pleased." She looked at Lexa who had her head down, staring at her cast. "What are you gonna do about work? You were supposed to be going back in a couple weeks, right?"

"Yeah....I'm going to call the guy I work with in the morning. He's kind of like a supervisor/manager type. Let him know that....I'm gonna be delayed a bit." Clarke crawls up onto the bed and into Lexa's lap, straddling her. She lets her hands roam under the hem of the girl's shirt - her fingers dancing over crafted abdominal muscles. Lexa bends her knees, letting them act like the back of a chair for the blonde. Her left hand scratches tenderly at Clarke's knee and thigh. "Can I ask you something?" Clarke's voice comes out more husky than she had intended. But Lexa only smiles and nods in response. "What are we? Like....what are we doing?" "What do you mean?" "Well, before we met, when you first told me about....Benefit's girl. You said you didn't like relationships. That you'd rather have the honeymoon over the marriage. Has that changed for you?" "No." "No?" the expression on her face must be giving away more of her surprise and hurt than she had meant it to, because the brunette immediately follows up with clarification. "I don't want a relationship. I don't want the drama and the rules that people put on relationships - on each other. The unspoken tension that comes along with putting a label on something. I don't like that. But, I want you." The statement feels like a prayer sung from those lips. "And I don't see how I can have either without the other. I don't want a relationship if it isn't with you. And I don't think that I could have you in my life....without a relationship. Because I don't want to go back to just sharing secrets. I don't want to go back to nameless, faceless....nothing on the other side of a phone..." "I don't want that either. But I also don't want to feel like I'm forcing you into something. I'm scared it will make you bitter and make you resent me for trying to tie you down to something you didn't really want." the blonde speaks from her heart. "It's like...those animals at the zoo. They're there, and they get fed, and they get petted or whatever but....if they had the chance, they'd break free. Because their heart is wild. Even though they have everything they need......they want their freedom. And if you want freedom then I...." Lexa pulls herself up with a sit-up the likes of which Clarke is sure she will have wet dreams about tonight. Her hand finds the back of Clarke's neck and she pulls her close, their lips barely touching. "I love you, Clarke Griffin. And I am not afraid of you. I was there was a time when you scared me so much I felt like I couldn't breathe when I was talking to you or when I was around you. But I made my decision. I want freedom, I do. But what good would freedom be to me if.....if I knew you were out there somewhere....and I wasn't with you. That I CHOSE not to be with you." Lexa's hand squeezes gingerly at the nape of her neck, releasing quickly and letting her thumb rub reassuringly. The blonde feels the girl's bottom lip quiver, feather-light touches against her own. "You found me, Clarke. Out of over 7 billion people on this planet, you found me. And you are the only person in this world that I would rather be tied down to."

She kisses her left cheek, then her right, finding her way back to the center again letting their lips meet for a chaste kiss. She pulls back but allows their foreheads to rest against each other. "I may not be good at......being with you. I may not be perfect at whatever this is we're doing. But I want to learn. I....I want to learn to love you. I'm not afraid to crash, Clarke. Just be brave with me. Burn with me." "Yumi, fleim au ogeda." Clarke tells her, barely above a whisper, but the stunned look on her lover's face is priceless. "That's part of your favorite poem, right?" She sees the smallest tears forming in Lexa's eyes, but the brunette doesn't let them fall. She only offers a smile and simple 'It is' before she presses her lips so deeply into Clarke's that she's not really sure where either of them begin or end. When the girl finally pulls away, she kisses Clarke's jaw all the way up to her ear and whispers to her, "Yu laik ai won, Clarke. Ai gaf yu in en nou moun."

*** She sleeps as much as she can but the thoughts of her mother's impending arrival wake her. She remembers the last conversation they had - two days prior to her departure for this trip. They hadn't spoken since. Not until she made that call the night of the accident. She dreads the thought of what her mother will say tomorrow and how she'll embarrass or belittle her. It keeps her awake, keeps spinning in her head and her thoughts are so loud she swears the sleeping beauty next to her can hear them and will wake any moment. "Lex......" she calls to the brunette, throwing an arm around her waist and scratching at her side. "Lexa...." She feels her move - listens to the the sharp intake of breath - and then she becomes aware of the girl's hand rubbing at her arm. "What's wrong?" "I can't sleep...." The brunette grabs at her bicep and pulls. "Come on, get up here. I can't roll over on that side so you'll have to come to me." There's no argument from the blonde as she lifts herself enough to throw one leg over the brunette and then lay herself flat on top of her. Her head finds a home on her lovers chest, listening to her heart and sounds of each breath she takes into her lungs before releasing it. Lexa's hand comes up to rake fingernails across her back, and Clarke has to remind herself to be careful with her own movements - careful not to brush up against healing wounds. "Tell me a story, Lex. Tell me about your childhood. What's your favorite memory?" "Horseback riding at this ranch not far from here. I was 9 or 10, I can't remember exactly. But I had asked for a horse for my birthday. My parents explained to me that we didn't have a place to keep one but that they would take me horseback riding. My mom knew this guy that owned a ranch - huge piece of property about...45 minutes or so from here. Tiny little town out in the middle of nowhere. He owned a bunch of cattle and we went there one day and he took me and Layne out on the horses and....I

remember feeling so invigorated. They told me not to go too fast but...I kicked that horse with my heals and she took off and I felt so alive, Clarke. The guy told me I was probably the bravest kid he'd seen ride that particular horse. Briseis - that was the horse's name. She was black with a tiny white star on her face. I still remember that." "That sounds amazing." Clarke coos, moving her face to kiss Lexa's chest through her shirt. "Have you been since then?" "Not to that ranch, no. But I've done some riding on set a couple times. I had to do a scene riding this horse through a burning barn that exploded immediately after we jumped over this fallen wood piling. Everything had gone perfect during the practice jumps, but halfway through the real one, this stallion bucked and I hadn't expected it so I fell. The explosion goes off and I'm laying there and there's just this loud BOOM. I was deaf for like 2 weeks after. Layne was afraid it would be permanent so he took to learning sign language so he could still call me 'Ugly' haha." Clarke laughs and Lexa does too, remembering Layne's fumbling hand gestures. "What was it like for you, growing up? Was it way cool having a twin?" "Kind of. I mean, I wished we'd been born like identical twins where people could mix us up. We always used to talk about the tricks we'd play if we could. But it was cool anyways. We were together all the time. Never got bored of each other - we fought sometimes, though. And if he ever tells you that he won, he's fucking lying." That causes Clarke to break into hysterical giggles. "I bet, my big, bad Commander! Did you get hurt a lot as a kid?" "Everyday it felt like. My mom used to say that she couldn't tell if I was a daredevil or just accident prone. Apparently, it was a mix of both." "Has your relationship with your mom always been so strong? I mean....wasn't it....weird hitting puberty and having the sex talk? It's not like she could really give you any advice because....I mean.....you know. I remember the talk with my mom. Surprisingly lacking in details for a doctor. She always kind of....made it sound shameful in a way. But I think it was because her parents raised her in a uber religious household so. I'm just glad my mom couldn't tell all those times I got turned on watching movies and stuff. I can't imagine....having it....be so visible." "You can say it Clarke. I have a penis, er dick...whatever you wanna call it. And yeah," the brunette replies softly. She clears her throat, moving her hand up under the back of Clarke's shirt, seeking the comfort of her body heat. "It was weird. But I mean, my dad had to have the talk with us. I remember how big Layne's eyes got when my dad showed us the pictures about what would happen when we got turned on or whatever. We were 11 years old so we weren't the most mature kids around. But......my doctor had told my parents that there was a chance that I'd mature sooner than him so....they wanted to just get it out of the way. My dad did the thing with the banana and the condom. He gave us each two boxes. One to practice and one to keep. The next year, Anya left for college and my parents moved me into her old room. They said it was time we had some privacy. Which was good timing because just like the doctor said, I hit puberty before him and things started happening. It was....hella awkward. Lost my virginity before him too. He used to say that I was just jealous because he was born first and was better looking so I was always trying to get ahead of him somehow."

"How did you hide it from the kids at your school? I remember being in class with boys and they would get like...random boners. It always used to gross me out back then." Lexa sighs and shifts under her. "It was.....difficult. But it actually didn't happen all that often to me. Random boners, I mean. Plus, I wore a LOT of loose fitting shorts and baggy jeans. Long T-shirts and shit that....gave a lot of extra fabric at the bottom to throw over my lap just in case." "Oh my God, what about gym class? The girl's locker-room?" the blonde questions, tentatively. "I always HATED getting changed in front of like 30 other girls. Always made me feel so.....self-conscious." "I avoided gym like the plague." the brunette replies. "My parents got a doctor's excuse saying I couldn't participate because of a 'serious medical condition'. It kinda sucked, though, because I really wanted to join the soccer team but....it was probably for the best, anyway. Arabella was on the varsity team. It would have been a nightmare for me. Especially in the locker room." "Do you ever wish she wasn't your first? Do you ever wish.....you'd waited?" "I don't know. I guess not. I honestly don't put too much thought into it anymore. I almost feel like....it was better her than waiting forever and maybe.....never having lost it. Or having to hire a hooker." Clarke feels a silent laugh rumble in her chest. When her body stills, a question arises from her. "Was Finn yours? I mean....you never told me but....I just....assumed." "Yes." "And do you.....ever wish you had waited?" "All the time." the blonde admits. "You didn't love him?" "After a while I did. But it wasn't a romantic love. It was more a....comfortable love. I was thankful that I had someone there. He wasn't always physically there.....he cheated on me with sooooo many different women. But the idea of him...being there....it was comforting. It was the most unsettling feeling, ya know? To feel so comforted by him but at the same time....to feel so nervous. Like I wasn't....good enough. His step sister told me once that....I was his 'Take-Home'. He had a dozen more women he fucked, but I was the one he felt he could take home to meet his parents - the one he could bring home for the holidays." "But your mother didn't like him?" the brunette asked. "No. She hated him." Clarke bites her lip, remembering her mother's very evident disdain for her ex. "I think she knew what he was doing. Or at least knew that he was a shitty person." "Are you worried that she won't like me? Or that she'll scare me away?" "No. My mother is only slightly less terrifying than a moving vehicle so....I have no doubt that you've got this." The questions pops into her head, and she doesn't want to ask it, but it comes out anyway. "Does it bother you?"

"Does what bother me?" "Does it bother you that I was with him.....before you?" she waits for the answer, becoming worried when she doesn't hear it right away. "Does it bother you that....I was texting Finn that night when I mistakenly got you..?" "No. Clarke it wouldn't have bothered me if you had been with 10 people before me. We all have a past. But I mean to be your future. So nothing else matters to me. And as for that text...? Best mistake you ever made, in my opinion." She feels her lover's hand move from under her shirt to the waistband of her shorts, slipping in and setting over the very top of her ass crack. It doesn't feel sexual; it feels oddly soothing. That she's that comfortable with just touching anywhere and everywhere. And Clarke would let her. Anywhere those hands wanted to travel, every peak and valley they wanted to claim, she would let them. The brunette begins humming a song - one that Clarke hasn't heard before or at least one she doesn't recognize just then. "What song is that?" she asks pressing a kiss under Lexa's chin. "It's called 'Butterfly'. It's a Bob Marley song - not so well known as his others. But, it's always been one of my favorites. I don't know why." "Sing it to me?" "Softly and tenderly, I’m giving my love to you Butterfly, butterly, I love you, so." Lexa's voice is so silky and sweet in her ears that it feels like a lullaby. Clarke can't keep her eyelids from falling shut and her heart from keeping time as she listens to the words - hanging on the way the brunette pours herself into them. "On the street, where we live People making love, so Why can’t we - why can’t we, when I I love you soooo, baby, baby Sooooo, baby, baby sooooo, baby, baby soooooo, oooooh" And just like that, the blonde is fast asleep on her lover's chest and the curly-haired crooner isn't too far behind her.

Notes: 'mi casa es su casa' - my house is your house 'mi cuerpo es tuya' - my body is yours 'Dámelo , entonces!' - Give it to me, then! 'Yumi, fleim au ogeda' - You and I, burning out together. 'Yu laik ai won, Clarke. Ai gaf yu in en nou moun.' - You are my one, Clarke. I want you and no other."

Chapter 16: Easy as Life Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text She's tired. Too tired; and not the kind where you haven't had enough sleep. This kind of tired is where your whole world just feels like too much. It could be the alcohol, but the events of the day seem like a big messy watercolor and she's not sure she's even really let it all sink in yet. But right now, she feels Lexa's hand, their fingers locked, and she's leading her down the hall to the bedroom. Leading her away from the rest of the world, into their little nook in the universe where Clarke can catch her breath and steady her mind.

***

12 hours ago They were sitting in the living room of Lexa's parent's home - the two of them along with Layne and Anya all seated on the couch - stretched out with their legs on the ottoman. She'd gotten comfortable in the brunette's lap, her back laid against the girl's chest and her head resting back on her left collarbone. Lexa's left arm was around her waist, holding her hand, and her right arm (sling and all) was draped across Clarke's chest with the blonde's hand reaching up under to hold it in place there. They all listened as the twin's dad told a story about a date he and their mom had gone on when they were teenagers - barely 17 and 16 respectively. He laughed as he talked about Indra's father telling him that a gentleman was responsible for being on his best behavior at all times during a date and that if he ever heard tell of him treating his little girl badly, he would make sure he couldn't drive to take another girl out on a date EVER. When Clarke's cell rang out, she knew it was her mother. She climbed off her girlfriend's lap to walk outside and take the call, not wanting to disrupt the story any further. "Good morning," her mother's voice hit her immediately. "I got an earlier start that I thought. I'm in Bradenton now. I need the address to the beach rental." "I'm not at the beach-house, I stayed at Lexa's parents. But I'll send you the address and meet you there in 15-20." "Okay, be careful." Her mother's words were clipped. She knew she wasn't thrilled probably because she'd stayed at Lexa's. "You too, mom."

12:10pm - Clarke: 2604 driftwood dr.

12:12pm - Griffter: rae, my mom is in bradenton! on her way to the beachhouse! lexa and i are headed over there now! be there in 15! make sure everyone is decent! 12:15pm - RaverReyes: ay ay captain! on it! 12:16pm - RaverReyes: p.s. tell her brother i said heyyyy 12:16pm - RaverReyes: or u could just bring him along. js. gati votes the latter. ;)

***

10 hours ago "So, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years from now?" Clarke balked at her mother's question but Lexa didn't seem phased. "Ideally, I'd like to pursue writing. I've written a few things - short stories, poems - just little things but I'd like to write something with more weight to it. My body obviously can't hold out forever, so stunt work is really just a 'live in the present' sort of deal, but it pays well enough and I save my money so when I do choose to leave, I'll be set up to take some time to write whatever it is I feel needs to come out of me." "Wow, I'm impressed. A daredevil and a romantic." "Well, some might say the two are synonymous."

Mmm, smooth babe, she thought. I like that shit. "Ahh, so your view on love is that it could kill you?" "Anything could kill you, Dr Griffin. Your car, your job, favorite hobby, your favorite food, even medicine. At least love would make for a sweet death."

Well....but let's not forget we just had a big scare and....NOT too keen on going through that emotional overload again. Mkay. "Jesus Christ, you ARE a writer." the older woman chuckled. "I'm sure that's what my daughter loves about you. That creative genius that she craves in people. She gets bored easily, if she hasn't told you." "Mom!" the blonde gasped. "Am I wrong in my statement?"

No but....what the fuck?!

"You make it sound like I'm going to get bored and run off." she scolds, before turning to Lexa. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't listen to her." "I never said you were going to take off, Clarke. On the contrary. I said she seems to have something you've been looking for and I'm hoping it makes you stay. " the blonde's mother turns her gaze to the brunette. "She may not have a great deal of relationship experience, but even in friendships she's had many that have run their course and she's rebounded quickly. It's always on to the next one. Ever the optimistic explorer she is." "I think that's natural," Lexa offers. "It's natural to grow through life and to change. And when people around you aren't - when they aren't evolving at all, when they've just become stagnant and their presence becomes toxic to your own journey - it's wise to move on." "Oh God!" the elder Griffin sighs, "You're perfect for her." You're goddamn right she is. They all laughed and Abby continued with, "Tell me when your book comes out, I want a signed copy." "Sure thing, Dr. Griffin."

***

8 hours ago Everything was going positively swimmingly. The first meeting between her mother and her girlfriend had gone perfectly. Her mother was being surprisingly warm and 'maternal'. And she was thankful to whatever sacrifice had been offered up to ensure that. Octavia, Raven, Harper and Lexa had become fast friends in the 3 hours they'd spent together. Layne had come along for the ride, siting his 'need to see Fea's first time meeting her future mother-in-law', and he and Lincoln had struck up a conversation on boats and fishing. Jasper and Bellamy had joined the pissing contest when Layne started talking about having caught a shark once. Clarke picked up on the glint in Raven's stare when she heard that - the way she looked over at him, eyes on the prize - and she didn't want to imagine it but she knew that Gati had to be practically salivating. Anya had showed up about an hour into things but she and Gina had disappeared to Bel's beachhouse to talk privately. Clarke was really just awestruck about how well everyone was getting along, that she hadn't seen her mother come up behind her. "Clarke, we haven't had a chance to speak since the other day."

Fucking A, the conversation I've dreaded continuing...*infinite eye rolls* "There's nothing to say, mom," she tried. "And I'd really like to just enjoy myself right now." "Clarke you didn't even call me to let me know you got here safe. I was worried."

Pshhh, what?

"Mom, stop." the blonde sighed. "I just....needed some time." "You can't run away every time we argue about it. You have to stop being a child at some point." Neither of them had noticed Lexa coming up behind them. She swooped in and threw her left arm around Clarke's waist, kissing the back of her neck. The blonde tried to end the conversation, "Can we not do this right now, mother? Thank you for coming but....really. I just-" "Clarke I'm sorry but my answer will not change no matter the guilt trip or silent treatment. That money in your trust is for your future. Art is not your meal ticket. Medicine is." "But Art is my passion.." "Passion doesn't put food on the table, sweetheart." her mother clucked. "Don't do that. Don't belittle me and make me feel like a fucking kid." "I'm not going to allow you to use your father's trust money to chase some flight of fancy, some.......hobby. I can't just let you waste your talent-" Clarke had noticed her girlfriends hand clenching and she knew she was upset. She was half expecting her to walk away but she'd stayed and at this point, Lexa had become increasingly more irritated by Abby's attitude. She had tried to keep her mouth shut and just be there to provide whatever support Clarke needed, but a split second later it seemed she couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Clarke is very talented. But her talent stretches far beyond the realms of medicine, Dr. Griffin. The fact that you fail to see or acknowledge the extent of that is really discouraging. You should be supporting her. I don't understand how a parent can just....not try to encourage their child to do what they love." "Well, Lexa, with all due respect, you are not a parent. You don't know what it's like what it feels like to want the best for-" "I beg your pardon, Abby," the brunette interrupted, "but I know EXACTLY how that feels. Which is why I support Clarke and her love and passion for creating things. Maybe it's YOU who doesn't understand that what you think is best and what is actually best are not always the same thing." "Lexa, I appreciate your need to defend my daughter, but I was having a personal conversation about OUR finances. And I don't need to validate my reasons for not letting her waste my money or her own to you or anyone else. And I certainly do not need advice from someone who placed my daughter in harm's way by arguing with her in the middle of the street. Your saving her was brave and I'm grateful to you for that, but let's not pretend that you aren't, in fact, the very reason why she was in the line of fire to begin with."

Jesus Lord!

Lexa moved from behind Clarke and stepped in between the girl and her mother. She was taller than Clarke's mother, not by much, but enough that her eyes had to look down to make contact with Abby's. "Be that as it may," her tone was still rather calm, considering the way Clarke had felt her hand tremble before she moved. It was like Bellamy had described to her once - a reflexive action when someone feels threatened, trigger finger flinching, itching to pull and she worried about Lexa's hand being on said trigger. "I'm not going to let you talk to her that way. I'm sorry that she called you about me, I honestly did not expect her to. I'm also sorry that you drove here and 'wasted' your time, but I'm most definitely not going to let you waste ours by continuing to berate her." "Of course, and how very chivalrous of you," the older woman started, "coming to her rescue, but perhaps if she had cared to divulge to you the fact that I am the only one with access to her trust right now, you wouldn't be so quick to burn this bridge. Her job with my department is 'as-needed' and doesn't cover her bills. Which is why she needs my access to that trust to make sure THOSE are taken care of. I'm the one who gave her money to pitch in for this little 'adventure'. So, unless she wants to get a job full-time doing God only knows what, both you and she ought to think twice before going to war with me."

Oh, this is not good, she thought. Not good, at all. It was not supposed to go like this....FUCK! Lexa arm reached behind her to grab Clarke's wrist. "Attack her, and you attack me. Ai don sin y'in. You came here for the purpose of letting her know that you still had every intention of stamping out the fire she carries inside her. You didn't come here to help. Don't pretend to care. And you know what? You don't want to pay for her dreams, then don't. I will. You don't want to support her, then don't. I will. You don't want to love and encourage her, then I will do that enough for the both of us as well. If your plan is to be so stubborn and to keep her money from her as a 'power play' to have her coming running back....willing to beg for it....because that's what makes you happy is being in control...well then, don't hold your breath. You claim that we started this 'war' but you drew first blood. Jus drein, jus daun, Dr Griffin. Try to take her spirit and her happiness from her, and I won't stop until I take yours from you." The brunette turned to face Clarke, her face softening as she stared into those sad blue eyes. "Clarke, do you want to leave? We can go home....just say the word."

Take me home, Heda... "Home?" the girl's mother balked. "This is YOUR home. Not hers."

Excus- oh, hell no! And Clarke had really had enough at that point. She was fed up with it all and she snapped, moving herself around Lexa to face her mother again. "You know what, Mom?! I feel more at home with HER than I've EVER felt with you! Ever since dad died, you've had me at arm's length all the time. Not too close and never too far. You have to control me all the time - constantly tugging at the reins - and I'm fucking tired of it. You don't want Art school for me because my future is in medicine. But DAD wanted art for me. Dad wanted individuality and innovation for me. Dad wanted color and brilliance and satis-fucking-faction for me. All you want for me is

blood and the prestige that comes with your title. And I want more from this life than to become just like you. The only happiness you EVER knew was Dad-" Clarke didn't get to finish before Abby's hand connected with her face in a slap that made Lexa throw her sling off and place herself in front of the blonde, facing her, with her arms wrapped over her. She turned her head only enough to cast a glare in the elder Griffin's direction. "Leave, now." she growled. And when the woman stepped forward, trying to reach out apologetically, the brunette turned and issued a warning through gritted teeth. "Touch her and you will never operate on another patient, again. Now Get. Out." It was another second and Abby hadn't moved and Lexa could feel Clarke shaking. The anger boiled up inside her as she screamed, "GON YO WE!" The quiet was deafening and she could hear Layne telling Lincoln 'She wants everybody out, now' however it was Raven who stepped forward and grabbed Abby's arm. "Hey, Doc. It's....probably best if you go. Go check in at your hotel or something. I'll call you later," she offered in a hushed tone. "just to let you know how she's doing."

***

Her mother left without another word as Raven and Layne ushered the rest of the delinquents out to the beach to give Clarke and Lexa some time to calm down. But calming down was not something Clarke planned to do. Instead she pushed Lexa away and stormed up the stairs to the room she'd claimed the day they got there. Lexa followed quickly behind her, but Clarke yelled at her to 'go away' and 'leave me alone'. The brunette stood in the doorway - not wanting to leave but not wanting to approach further. When she saw the blonde sit on the bed, she took a few steps forward, past the chair by the door. "Clarke..." "NO! I'm so tired of her being in control! She's always in control!! Always holding shit over my head! Moving me like a fucking chess piece on her board of life! I fucking HATE it! Just ONCE I wanted to have that! That authority.....I want to be in a position of power for once!" "You were, Clarke. You told her how you felt.." "AND FOR WHAT, LEX?!" the shrill scream rang out before she had time to think about it. "For her to slap me?? Make me look weak again?!" "No. Her slapping you made HER look weak. She couldn't rule her own emotions anymore - it was her last ditch effort to remain in control of the situation. You made her falter Clarke." "I didn't want her to falter!" the girl cried out. "I wanted her to fail. Completely. I wanted her to give up and let me be I wanted her to just stop.......and let me go."

"People are not like that. If you want control, you have to take it. Most will not willingly give it up once they have it." "And you?? You're always so in control. You're always so commanding and dominating and it's so fucking infuriating you having to step in and fight my battle. Don't you like it, too?? Don't you like having me submit to you, too??" "Clarke..." Lexa extended her arm out to the blonde. "NO!" she pulled away and stood up from the bed. "Don't. Don't you coddle me. I want to feel power, too. And if you want me to fight you for it, then I fucking will!" She pushed her before she even thought about it. It wasn't hard, but it was enough. Enough for Lexa to wince and hold her eyes shut. When she opened them, Clarke could see the anger. Her eyes were black now, pupils blown and hungry. For a second in time, Clarke thought about trying to apologize. She thought about the things she could say to make Lexa melt - hoping the fury would dissipate. She thought about wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck and telling her how much she loved her and how she shouldn't have taken it out on her. She ran the words through her head over and over unspoken prayers for her lover to stay and not try to run again. Or worse. Finn had hit her. They'd argued and he'd lost his cool and punched her. She blamed herself - she knew she could be frustrating. But she'd never hit him back. Or even first. She was too afraid he'd retaliate - more than just land a single punch. And after seeing Lexa at her parent's that day, she started to think about the damage the girl could inflict. Cast or no cast, she had caught a glimpse of an animal inside of her and Clarke was worried she'd just rattled that cage again. She told herself to move - to hug her, to kiss her, to hold her, to whisper all the 'hail mary's' and 'our father's' that she could muster and beg for forgiveness - but looking at those eyes made her freeze. Instead, it was Lexa who moved first. She lowered herself into a kneeling position in front of Clarke, her head bowed for a moment until she looked up. Her eyes were still black as night, but it was her words that burst through Clarke's ribcage, seeking out her stilled heart and forcing it to beat again. "Ai na laik kwelen gon yu, foshou." the brunette submits. "Ai nou mana jomp yu op. Ai mana hod yu in. Taim yu gaf sis hedon op, taim ai laik yun gon hed ai op." It seemed like a gift - these words felt like a resounding surrender inside her chest cavity - and yet the blonde had no idea what she'd said. "Lexa...." Her lover bowed her head again, keeping her gaze lowered as she delivered her message of acceptance. "Hed yu gona op, Wanheda." "I-I don't understand.." "Tell me what you want, Clarke. Command me. Whatever you want, it's yours."

Fuck me, that is hot as hell. So fucking wet, right now. How in the ?? "Get up." The blonde told her, pointing towards the edge of the bed. "Sit here."

There was no hesitation as Lexa got up from the floor and sat where her girlfriend ordered her. She kept her eyes locked on Clarke as she straddled her lap, hands reaching back to scratch at the back of Lexa's scalp and neck, hips grinding down on her. "You're going to let me ride you," the blonde husked, her lips brushing against the brunette's jaw, "And you're going to listen to everything I say and do exactly what I tell you. Do you understand?" Her lover nodded, and Clarke could already feel her getting hard under her. She worked her hips over her again, moving one hand down to rub her palm over the growing bulge in Lexa's shorts. She thanked whatever gods there were for giving her the intuition to wear a skirt today as she rolled it up over her hips and ass. She felt Lexa's hand grab her ass and she reached back and removed it. "No." she told her. "You keep your hands on the bed and you only move them when I say so." Again, the brunette nodded. Her hands moved to undo the button and zipper that were keeping her from the skin to skin contact that she needed. She ran the back of her hand along Lexa's length, hearing a soft growl from the girl's throat. She slipped her hand inside the boxer briefs, pulling her free. She wrapped her hand around the shaft, letting it glide down and then back up, her thumb rubbing ever so gently against the underside of the head. "Fuck, Clarke..." the girl gasped. "How do you say.....'I want you'...?" "Ai gaf yu in....yo te quiero....." "Only Trig....No Spanish." she ordered, before she teased. "You're not thinking about Gati, are you, Lexa?" There was an edge in her voice that she didn't recognize, but the reaction it got from the brunette was a sure sign that she could get used to it. She leaned into her lovers face, gritting her teeth and telling her, "Answer me." "Nowe, Clarke. Em ba yu noumou." "And what does that mean?" she prodded, giving Lexa's cock a squeeze. "Never, Clarke. It's only you." "Mmmmm...." she hummed in approval as she continued to stroke. It was the best answer she'd ever heard, and she wanted to let the girl know that. "Do you know how bad I want you, Lexa? Do you know how hard it is for me to try and pretend we haven't fucked, to try and convince myself I'm not missing anything, when I know that I am?? I want to go slow, I want to stay strong, but I'll be damned if you don't make my fucking knees go weak." "Sha, ai gada gafen yu in, seintaim." the breathy song escaped her lips, as her head went back and her eyes shut tight. In a swift movement, Clarke had pulled her panties to the side and had lined the head of Lexa's cock up with her entrance. She started to lower herself onto her lover, using all her strength to hold in place just as the tip pushed in. "How do you say....'Look at me'...?" "Fu-Clarke....C-chek ai au..."

And she let herself slip further down, those words repeated back to the brunette in a sultry rasp, "Chek ai au, Heda." Those green eyes opened in a flash - Lexa's mouth agasp as she looked at the blonde's face and then down at herself disappearing inside her. Once Clarke stopped with her completely sheathed inside, the brunette couldn't stand the stillness. 'Jok, Clarke! Beja! Kigon step yu au.." "Is it too much, Heda?" she teased, "You need me to move?" "Beja....Please....." She felt the brunette's hips jerk, and the sensation created by the movement inside her made her walls clench around her. "Ai beja yu daun, ron ain op." "I'll make you a deal....tell me, in Trig, what you want to do me right now." Clarke proposed to her. "I have the answer I'm looking for already in my mind. If you're right.....I'll let you do it. If you're not.....then this is going to be tortuous for you, my love." There was a pause accompanied by a low growl, a twitch of Lexa's cock inside of her, and then an answer that sounded, to Clarke, a lot like Armageddon. "Ai mana flosh yu klin." "Mmmm, Jeeeez-us FUCK Lexa!" she moaned as she pulled the girl's face closer to her ear, easing herself up Lexa's shaft a bit, before taking her back in. "Tell me what you said, baby." The brunette licked her neck and said, "I aim to destroy you." After the last word, Clarke felt her bite down so hard on the skin above her right collarbone that she knew the girl had to have drawn blood. The hungry growl and swipe of her tongue over the area immediately following it, solidified that thought process. For Clarke, it felt like Lexa was claiming her - like she was telling her that she intended to ruin her for any other that might come along and try to take her. It was Lexa saying to her 'I plan to break down every wall you've put up, every plan you've ever made, and make new ones with you.' To her, it felt like instead of saying 'I want to fuck you up completely' Lexa was telling her 'I want you to know that you are MINE. Even if I won't say it....' "Show me.." was the only thing she could manage and was the only thing her lover needed to hear. Not even a second later Lexa had her left arm under Clarke's ass for support and she lifted herself off the bed to turn them around and lay the blonde down her lower body almost off the edge - as the brunette stood between her legs. She ran her hands up pale white thighs, up to readjust Clarke's panties to keep them from getting in the way, and then her hands slipped under the girl's knees and she raised them up - spreading them out a bit farther - as she began to thrust her hips forward. "Lexa....oh fuck, so good!" the response spurred her on and Clarke became bolder with her choice of encouragements. "Fuck me, Daddy." "No!" the brunette scolded with a particularly hard thrust that left Clarke yelping. "I am NOT your Daddy." She pounded recklessly, her fingers digging into the skin on the outside of the blonde's lower thighs by her knees, and Clarke enjoyed every minute of it, letting out a squeal with each push into her. "Ai laik yu Teika, Clarke. Ai laik yu Heda! Yu na mema tag ai in!" "Fuck, baby!! I....I don't......FUCK!" she couldn't breathe and Lexa liked it that way.

"Listen to me, Clarke." she directed as she continued her thrusts, pulling out farther and slamming back into the girl beneath her. "I don't want to be your Daddy." Another thrust. "I...am your Commander." Another thrust. "And You..." Thrust. Thrust. THRUST! "....better remember that!" Her right hand moved between them, fingers finding Clarke's clit and beginning to draw a serious of intricate designs that the blonde couldn't even begin to try and differentiate. Every now and then, the brunette would pinch the bundle of nerves and stroke it between her thumb and index finger before returning her thumb to its task of tracing stars and suns and moons onto her as she continued to rut. The first orgasm snuck up on her pretty quick and she was barely able get out 'Lexa, oh god fuck! I'm-' before her body tensed and her walls clenched on the brunette's member. Her lover maintained silken touches, her fingers rubbing softly to ease the blonde down for her high. Once again, the brunette moved her hands and shifted Clarke back further towards the center of the bed, following her there and settling between her legs. "Do you trust me, Clarke? Wich ai in?" "Otaim, Heda. I trust you..." Lexa took this as an open invitation and she lifted the blondes shirt to place kisses along her chest - love bites left in her wake. She took a nipple into her mouth, sucking and then flicking her tongue over it. Her teeth latched on and Clarke hissed and bucked her hips towards her. "What do you want, Regia?" "More...baby......fuck me.." she whines, Lexa's continued use of her 'title' making her more daring. "Show me how I die, Heda....how you destroy me...." Clarke didn't expect the reaction but the feeling of Lexa's cock slamming into her with no warning was definitely on her List of Top 10 Ways to be Surprised. Every thrust of the girl's hips sent them closer to the edge of that bed. Clarke had brought her head up so her lips could meet Lexa's, teeth ripping at the brunette's bottom lip, but as she tried to lay her head back down, she realized there was nowhere to go. "Lex...I'm.....Lexa the bed..." she reached up to tap the girl's abs through her shirt. "Lexa...FUCK.....shit......we gotta....god...oh my....fuck..." The brunette's pace only picked up and her thrusts became more wild and Clarke could feel herself sliding further off the edge. "L-LEXA!! I'm..I'm gonna fall...." She felt Lexa's body come down over hers, her casted right arm reaching around her back and grabbing hold of the opposite side's trap muscle as she pounded between the blonde's legs. The farther they inched, the more anxious she was but she felt her lover's left arm come over her and reach down, tilting their molded-together bodies towards the floor. And suddenly she realized only her ass and legs were left on the bed and there was nothing for her to grip, nothing stable, because even bed-sheets would come down with them if she pulled. But it occurred to her, that they had not fallen yet and in the little bit of rational headspace she had left while her lover continued the blistering pace inside her, she understood that the reason for that was because Lexa's left arm was holding them BOTH up off the floor. The position sent blood rushing to her head and she felt light headed - thoughts spinning from Lexa's arm to 'fuck, please don't let me pass out'.

"Baby....Please...I don't wan-" "Nou fir yu raun, my love. Nowe ai na breik yu au. Trust me, Clarke. Just......feel yourself floating......" And she could. She could feel so many sensations and she wasn't certain if it was the position or the way that Lexa was fucking her into oblivion but she was feeling every tingle of ecstasy and she couldn't even remember her reason for complaining. "SHIT fuck.....babe......oh my fucking god.....YES! Don't you dare fucking stop!!!" "That's it Clarke...just let go..." The thrusts became harder than she imagined they could - like the brunette had a storage of energy she tapped into for times like this - and for the third time, Clarke found herself giving thanks for Lexa's vast athletic training. "FUCK! baby!! please don't stop! Oh..jesus god!! I'm.....I'm gonna....." a few more dangerously rough thrusts and Clarke was done "Fuck fuck FUCKKKK! LEXA! Don't hold back! You're making me cu-" Her whole body seized in what had to be the best orgasm of her life, like she was suspended in time with her body singing it's rhapsodies to the heavens, and she heard Lexa whisper to her, "Yu gonplei ste odon, niron." She maintained slow movements inside her, but changed the position of her arms, her left arm coming up from the floor to grab the bedframe - knees bending on the bed under Clarke's thighs - and her right arm moving to support the blonde's back as she pulled herself back up into a kneeling position. Clarke felt herself being lifted up and when Lexa's free hand reached to her back to pull her in she could feel the blood rushing back to the rest of her body. It was the most euphoric feeling - knowing how seamlessly this brunette could give her the control she desired and then take it back in one flawless swoop as soon as she allowed her to. She had intended to ride her the way she'd promised, but at the time, the feeling of seeing Lexa submit herself and the way she spoke, it had made her so excited she couldn't stand it. And then, sitting there in her lover's lap, throbbing erection still inside with lazy thrusts, she didn't regret her decision to relinquish that power at all.

"I'm sorry..." she sighed, adorning the brunette's face with with kisses. "I shouldn't have pushed you..." "I'm sorry, too, niron. I shouldn't always try to take control of things.." "What does that mean? Niron?" "It means.....'lover' or 'one I love'." The blonde smiled against the skin of the girl's neck, "I love you, so much, Lexa. I have never felt something so strong - so omnipotent - as what I feel when I'm with you." She felt a twitch inside her and was shocked to find that she'd gotten lost in her rapture and her lover had not yet finished.

"Lex, let me...." she started but the words felt strangled, like she couldn't say them aloud for fear of embarrassment. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like she shouldn't be so eager for it - felt like it might rub Lexa the wrong way (no pun intended). "What do you want, love? Tel ai op en ai na ron em yu op." It felt like poetry flooding Clarke's ears, waves of an open ocean crashing inside her. "Tell me and I will give it to you.." "I want to make you cum.." She felt Lexa's hips jerk and knew the words had struck a chord with the brunette. "And how would you like to do that, Clarke?" "With my mouth...." "Are you asking....," she thrusted her hips forward "...for permission?" "No." the blonde shook her head. "Okay then..." the brunette said lifting her up and off of her, ".....nou beja ai daun." She allowed Clarke to move off her lap and onto the bed, giving herself space to stand up off the bed and await instruction. "Ron ai yun hedplei op, niron. Where do you want me, Clarke? Give me your command." Clarke pointed to the pillows at the head of the bed. "There. Lay there." It wasn't until the brunette had positioned herself and Clarke found herself with her hand, once again, around her cock that she realized just how powerful she really felt. She literally had this girl in the palm of her hand and she loved it. "Flosh ai klin, meizen." she heard the girl tell her. "Destroy me, beautiful." That last bit of both encouragement and the timbre of Lexa's voice was exactly what she needed. The first thing she noticed was the taste - a mixture of her on tang and a salty sweet taste she knew had to be her lover's. The beads of pre-cum tickling her senses as she took the girl into her mouth, she could see Lexa's abs tighten and her chest rise and once more that feeling of authority had her drunk. She worked her way up and down, bringing her mouth up to suck gently on the head and flick with her tongue before she took the full length into he mouth again. "FUCK, Clarke!" That had to be one of the most delicious sounds and she wasn't entirely sure she didn't prefer hearing Lexa say her name that way as opposed to any other. She used her right hand to hold and run along the shaft while her left ran up to those perfect abdominal muscles, scratching back down to the girl's hip and her prominent V-cut. At the same time, she let her bottom teeth graze the underside of her cock faintly and she heard a low rumble and then a ragged breath. "Jesus fuck, babe!" the brunette squirmed under her. And Clarke was pretty sure Lexa would have lasted longer had the blonde not picked up on something that drove her lover absolutely mad. It wasn't the gagging sound that did it for her, in fact she seemed concerned the one time she heard it but Clarke assured her

she was fine. It was, however, the humming of the blonde's moans and the vibrations from them which quickly led to the brunette's downfall. Oh yes, and the very moment that Clarke learned this, it was GAME OVER. She worked her hand faster at the base and dipped her head lower and let out a series of hums that would make a porn star blush and Lexa's frantic reaction was like a drug that she was sure she'd crave for the rest of her life. "Clarke...fuck...get up...I'm gonna...Clarke.." her hand tapped on the blonde's arm, grabbing at her like she was going to try and move her. But Clarke wasn't going to be stopped. She let her hand go and turned her arm to grab Lexa's forearm and keep her from moving, and as her head dipped down taking the entirety of the brunette's length into her mouth, she gave one last moan, letting the reverberating noise do it's job, and as she raised up again"Clarke, I'm gonna cum...Clarke! Fuck, babe I'm gonna-" She hadn't expected it to be so much - she struggled to get it all down, especially with Lexa's hips thrusting up with every spurt like she was subconsciously trying to shoot her load straight down the blonde's throat - but she took it all, only letting a few drops escape and dribble down the girl's shaft to be licked up later. When she finished and sat up to take in the sight before her, she laughed as it became apparent to her that in their sense of urgency they hadn't bothered to undress. Lexa laid there in her sea foam green bermuda shorts - button and zipper undone, tugged down just past her hips - and one of her many cut-out tanks that Clarke loved because it left just enough skin on display. She was beautiful, with that blissed-out grin plastered on her face and her eyes closed, yet at the same time she was ruggedly handsome. Her soft skin over sculpted muscle, full lips and devilish smile. She was art, the blonde told herself, and she knew she'd never be able to create anything even remotely close. She watched as Lexa's hands finally moved to tuck herself back into her shorts, shifting on the bed to pull them up to their usual position, fastening the button and pulling up the zipper. The bulge was still prominent, thought she wasn't hard anymore and it left Clarke wondering if she'd ever found Finn's package so attractive. If she'd ever just stared at the way that part of him just sat in his pants and thought 'mmmm, I like that'. But she honestly couldn't remember a time where that had been the case. Then again, she hadn't really ever looked at him the way she looked at this girl. She'd never stared at him while he slept, not the way she had with Lexa after the first night they'd spent together. She'd never watched his eyes move in his sleep, wondering what he was dreaming and if she was on his mind. She'd never watched his lips twitch into a smirk in his unconscious state and wondered what smooth ass shit he'd just pulled for him to be wearing it. Everything about Lexa was something she wanted to discover and love. And the brunette made her feel like the same was true for her. "I am so in love with you.." she heard the words come out, registered the look on the girl's face as she took them in, and she knew she was home. Regardless of what her mother had said, Lexa was home. She could just feel it.

***

6 hours ago They were all on the beach - the Delinquents and their new found friends - and the excitement of earlier events hadn't seemed to dampen the mood. Clarke was surprised to see how easy Lexa made healing look. It was like she hadn't just been in the hospital - like she hadn't just had a brush with death. But then again, Lexa made everything look a little bit easier. Raven and Layne continued their flirtation and nobody was surprised when Raven issued a flirty challenge to him that she was NOT to be hugged and he gladly accepted by closing the gap between then, throwing his arms around her from behind, and lifting her up in the tightest bear hug humanly possible. If the flush on Raven's face was any indication of her reaction, she was more than thrilled with his complete disregard for personal space. Lincoln and Anya struck up an intriguing conversation about Anya's new job and Octavia was busy telling Gina stories about baby Bel which had Harper in fits of laughter. Bellamy was actually making an attempt to get to know Lexa and Jasper had hit on her at least 6 times even after Clarke explained that Lexa was 'totally taken'. "So you and the Commander totally got in on back at the house after we left, huh?" Raven words and her perceptiveness have never failed to get a reaction from Clarke. "Umm....I can neither confirm nor deny these allegations that have been brought against me." the blonde smiled. "Save it, Griffin! We left and you both looked like you were about to flip your shit. You emerge from the house, walking on the beach hand-in-hand, looking like you got hit by a freight train of divine glory - all glowing and shit. Psssshhh, Princess Peach got her some. I fucking KNOW it!" "SHUT UP, RAVEN!" Clarked hushed her. "You don't have to fucking broadcast it. Yes. We did. Now zip it!" "Hey...I'm happy for you. Truly. Gati has agreed to a Peace Treaty - giving you full rights to Lexa in exchange for her brother. She does, however, want to make it known that in the event of your untimely death (natural causes and sometime far off into the future, of course), the treaty is null and void and she retains prior claim a ese semental. FYI." "What did you just say?" "Semental. It means like...stud, stallion, whatever. Gati's got rights, bitch. So if shit goes down, Lexa is ours." Clarke's head dropped and her mouth went slack. "Are you kidding me Rae? Oh my God. You just called my girlfriend a Stallion!" "Makes you wanna ride her, doesn't it?!" "RAVEN!!!" "I mean....look, I know you and her are like...'endgame' and I'm seriously interested in Numero Uno over there," she said, her eyes drifting to the male twin, "but two is always better than one." "Ha, so you and Layne are hitting it off pretty well, then?"

"Clarke, believe me when I tell you that Gati has been trying to snap at him since he walked through that door. Juro por Dios! That body up against me earlier....sshhhhiiiittt! I've been in a constant state of aftershock since." "Fuck Rae. You better do something about that." the blonde laughed. "Before somebody gets hurt." "Oh, don't you worry. I plan on bringing him back to Camp BigBlake tonight and fucking those pretty baby curls right outta his hair!" "Jesus! I feel like I should warn him." "Go ahead." Raven giggled with a smirk. "But one way or another, that Hammerhead is MINE tonight." "EWWW Rae, stop! I just....ewww!" "I KNOW!! It was so good I almost couldn't stop myself from laughing when I said it!!" When Raven called everyone in for a group selfie, Anya couldn't resist the urge to tease her about the selfie-stick, but still gladly obliged the request by huddling in close which made Layne sneak his arm around Raven's waist in a show of dominance that had Raven's smile dazzling. They all squeezed in for the picture and Raven vowed to send it to each of them. But Clarke caught a glimpse of worry on Lexa's face. "What's wrong?" "I....I don't have a phone." the brunette told her with a look like someone kicked her puppy. "Mine got wrecked the other night. I haven't been to get a new one yet...." "Oh...well...we can go and get one if you want? These guys will probably still be here when we get back." she offered. "If you're okay with that. I-I'd like to be able to take pictures with you. So I'll have some when you..." "Hey, babe, you don't have to explain." she tangled their fingers together and got up, shaking sand off with her free hand. "Come on. Let's go, love."

***

5 hours ago 07:28pm - (XXX)-XXX-XXXX: eres el amor de mi vida <3

"What the f-"

"So you got my text?" the brunette purred as she came up behind her, planting a kiss at the crook of her neck. "Y-you changed your number?" she turned around to meet her face when she felt her nod. "Why?" "Well, because it used to be your ex's and I figured we could start new because....I'm not a stranger anymore and plus it's a little weird that your current significant other would have your ex significant other's phone number. And I mean, I figured it might make you feel better knowing that Costia wouldn't have my number anymore, either." There was something about the way the girl said it - it was like, she didn't feel obligated to do it....she just...did it. Because she wanted to. Because she wanted Clarke to trust her and because she wanted Clarke to know she cared and didn't want to be in someone else's shadow anymore than the blonde wanted to be in Costia's (in whatever way she'd felt like she was). It was Lexa's way of 'cutting ties' and she was DEFINITELY here for it. "You're fucking perfect, you know that?" "I've been told." her lover cooed as she kissed her. "Take a picture with me, Clarke." "Tell me what your text said first, and I will." "It said......I like your boobs.." the brunette grinned. "You're a horrible liar, which don't get me wrong - I'm grateful for, but come on! Tell me!" "It said....you're too pretty for your own good. And far too pretty for mine." "LEXA!" Clarke whined. "Stop being cute and tell me for real!" The brunette fiddled with her phone and brought up the camera, pointing it towards Clarke, "It said...you are the love of my life.." *SNAP*

***

3 hours ago "I can't believe your parents are cool with all of us being here..." Raven was practically hanging on Lexa, now. "They're like....so fucking chill. That's probably where you and Papi get it from." "They are and...you do know my brother's name is not Papi, right?" "Hey, that's what he said he wanted me to call him....so...." That comment had Lexa practically in stitches. "What's so funny, Commander?!"

"Ahh, so you know about that, huh?" "Psshh, I know about everything! Just remember that!" she winked. "Plus, you've put the best kind of hurting on Princess Peach and I'm tryna make sure I'm in line for the next round." "Haha. Too bad. El Valiente doesn't do lines." "SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You named him El Valiente?? Jesus FUCK!! I swear to God, I'm going to murder Griffin in her sleep." "She won't be sleeping tonight, so have fun trying." "Who won't be sleeping?" Clarke interrupted, coming up behind Raven. "Holy fu-OKAY! I'm going to mingle. You, Don Juan, are providing me too much ammunition to make horrible decisions tonight." Raven laughed and did a tiny curtsy. "Griffin, take care of Gati's assets while she secures her next treasure. Thank you, and good day!" Clarke looked back at her lover. "What was that about?" "Pretty sure she was trying to test me." the brunette answered with furrowed brow and her lips pursed. "And how did you do?" "Oh I passed. Now what do I get for my high score?" The blonde laughed into her drink. "Settle down, Champ, the night is still young. You're not taking me to bed yet." "Who said anything about a bed, Clarke?"

***

2 hours ago "Listen, Lexa, I like you. I do. But if you hurt Clarkey, I'll bury you. And they'll never find you. Trust me. We live in Gainesville. Gators. EVERYWHERE." "Tone it down, babe." Harper said, taking Octavia's hand. "Nobody's hurting Clarke and nobody's killing anyone." "Never said I'd kill her. Only said I'd bury her. I'm a fan of torture - Lincoln will tell you." "Oh, jeez. Okay, come on doll, let's go find Lex's parents and say goodnight."

As Harper helped Octavia up, Lexa leaned forward and whispered in her ear. She shook her head right as Octavia grabbed Lexa's right bicep. "Ummm, excuse me, keep your lips away from my girlfriend there, libertarian." "Babe, it's 'libertine' and don't be so hostile. Lexa was trying anything. Let's get you back to the beach-house, okay babe?" "Uh uh, we're not through here..." But before Octavia could say anything else, Harper waved for Lexa to go and she did. She walked into the kitchen to find Raven throwing her cup away. "Hey hey, FineStud! What's good?!" "Hey Raven. You alright?" "Fuck yeah. I'm Five by Five as Faith would say." the girl answered. "You have seen Buffy, right?" "Duh. Faith was one of my fav's actually." "Shoot, me too! Bitch was badass. Plus, she fucked whoever she wanted and like...nobody gave her shit about it. Or if they did she didn't even sweat it." "True. She was all about pleasure. Everything she did was....based on what she wanted and what would make her happy - very self-gratifying. Like me." Lexa said letting her chest poke out a little. "I try to live by that, ya know? Don't depend on other people for your own happiness. Take what you want from life. But I do appreciate an opportunity to give.." "Ha, Yeah I hear you're a VERY benevolent god." Raven smirked. "Haha, So you and my brother going back to yours?" "Well....I mean....you know..." Raven tried to play coy. "Hey, I'm cool with it. No GameShaming from me. I just wanna make sure you're safe getting back." She grabbed Raven's wrist to make sure she was grounded. "Hey, how bout you let me or my dad take you guys back?" "Umm...Yeah. Thank you, Lexa. That's...actually really cool of you. Like, I just realized this is your house and you haven't had a drink at all." She paused like she was letting her own words sink in. "Damn....Clarke is lucky to have you. I know you're going to treat her right. And as much shit as I give her about you, I'm so fucking happy she has you. Because she deserves to be happy....so, thank you...for that too." Lexa was surprised when Raven hugged her but she didn't pull away. "You're welcome." She said, patting the girl's back by her shoulder. "Come on, let's go get my keys and we'll get you guys back to your shagpad, yeah?" "WHAT THE FUCK?!" they both pulled away and turned to see Clarke standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "Are you fucking serious right now?! I....I don't even...." "Clarke...." Lexa started towards her. "It's not what you're thinking."

"Really?! What....what is it then?" She threw her cup on the table and wiped the single tear from her face. "Because it looked to me like you were getting pretty goddamn cozy with my best friend." "Griff, it's not like that." Raven tried. "Oh yeah? After everything you've said to me about her, Rae, and I'm supposed to believe that?" "Clarke," Raven stopped her, hands on her hips. "I'm your best friend. I wouldn't do that to you. No matter what jokes I throw at you, you know deep down that I wouldn't do that." "Whatever." Lexa approached her with her hands raised, palms out. "Clarke, will you come with me to my room, please?" her voice was smooth, dripping like honey, and it sounded like she was trying to calm a feral animal. "I won't touch you, you don't have to talk, please just come hear me out. Let's not do this here. Okay? Ven conmigo, amor." The blonde thought about it and as angry as she was she still knew it was the best decision to go to the room. "Fine." she turned and marched to Lexa's room - not waiting a second after they got there to speak. "What the fuck, Lex??" "Clarke, it wasn't what it looked like. Raven's been drinking-" "Yeah, I know that Lexa. We all have." "I haven't."she corrected, adding, "Which is why I was asking her to let me give her and my brother a ride back to the beach-house. I asked Harper the same thing before she and Octavia and Lincoln left. I wanted to make sure everyone got where they needed to be, safely. I wasn't hitting on her, and I wasn't getting handsy-" "But you hugged her....?" the blonde's tone was questioning - her face displaying a look of hurt. "She hugged me after she told me how happy she was for you and how glad she was that I was in your life." "She did...?" "Yes. She did. Don't get me wrong, she's flirty - has been all night. But Clarke, I could never do that to you." "You.....you asked my friends if you could give them a ride?? You.....didn't drink anything because you were worried about them getting back safe??" she seemed shocked. "They're.....not even your friends...."

"They're your friends. Your people. And your one of my people - my person." Lexa reasoned. "That makes your people, our people. And I will worry about our people the same way I worry about you. More than I worry about myself." "What did I do to deserve you?" "You accepted me. When you didn't have to. When you could have walked away. You stayed." "Best mistake of my life," the blonde teased, with a shy grin. "I love you. I'm sorry I...got jealous." "It's okay. Alcohol does that. But you might want to apologize to Raven when we get them back to the beach-house. She looked really hurt." "Ugh, I know. I'm such a cunt!" She looked back at Lexa with her mouth gaping. "Oh my God! I can't believe I said that word in front of you!" "Hmph," the brunette giggled. "You have the mouth of a sailor, Clarke Griffin. Lucky for you, I find that sort of thing wildly attractive." She finished with a wink and a flush painted the blonde's cheeks, chest, and neck. "I'm gonna go round up our passengers. We'll meet you outside, Commander." she says, giving Lexa a soft pat on the ass.

***

Now She assumes her position - laid on her left side with Lexa's body, form-fitted, behind her. The brunette's left leg is tangled with hers and her right is stretched out so that it overlaps their ankles. Her hand sneaks into the front of Clarke's shorts, under her panties, but no further than just below the waistband. It stills there and the blonde recognizes this as something that her lover does for comfort and as an assertion - both of which she loves. In the past 12 hours, Clarke has learned 5 important things about Lexa. 1. Happy Lexa is soooo about that good vibe. It doesn't matter what you're doing, talking about, listening to - she's for it. Whatever you're looking to get into it, Lexa is game and she's probably better at it than you are - but in a totally subtle way. 2. Charming Lexa is a goddamn magnet and draws everyone into her. She could charm the socks off of anyone - including Dr Abigail Griffin. And this please's Clarke to no end. **Charming Lexa also decimates in bed, btw.** 3. Angry Lexa and Protective Lexa, though not necessarily always interchangeable, both have ZERO chill. No explanation needed.

4. Cute/Romantic Lexa is the most adorable thing on this fucking planet - followed by Worried Lexa (whether she's stressing about asking you something or trying to take care of your drunk-ass friends). 5. Leaving her is going to be the hardest thing Clarke has ever had to do.....

Notes: 'Ai don sin y'in' - You're in my sights/I see you. 'jus drein, jus daun' - Blood must have blood "GON YO WE!" - Leave us! 'Ai na laik kwelen gon yu, foshou. Ai nou mana jomp yu op. Ai mana hod yu in. Taim yu gaf sis hedon op, taim ai laik yun gon hed ai op.' - I would happily be weak for you. I don't intend to fight you. I mean to love you. If you want to take command, then I am yours to do so with." 'Hed yu gona op, Wanheda' - Command your soldier, Wanheda. 'Ai gaf yu in' - I want you 'Nowe, Clarke. Em ba yu noumou' - Never, Clarke. It's only you 'Sha, ai gada gafen yu in, seintaim' - Yes, I have a need for you, too. 'Chek ai au'/'Chek ai au, Heda'- Look at me/Look at me, Heda. 'Jok, Clarke! Beja! Kigon step yu au!' - Fuck, Clarke! Please! Keeping moving! 'Beja. Ai beja yu daun, ron ain op!' - Please. I'm begging you, give me what's mine! 'Ai mana flosh yu klin' - I aim to destroy you. 'Ai laik yu Teika, Clarke, Ai laik yu Heda! Yu na mema tag ai in!' - I am your Conqueror, Clarke. I am your Commander. You will remember my name! 'Wich ai in?' - Trust me? 'Otaim, Heda.' - Always, Heda. 'Nou fir yu raun, my love. Nowe ai na breik yu au.' - Don't be afraid, my love. (I will never release you) I won't let you go. 'Yu gonplei ste odon, niron' - Your fight is over, lover. 'Tel ai op en ai na ron em yu op.' - Tell me and I will give it to you. 'Nou beja ai daun. Ron ai yun hedplei op, niron.' - Don't beg me. Give me your command, lover. 'Flosh ai klin, meizen.' - Destroy me, beautiful. 'a ese semental' - to that stallion/stud 'Numero Uno' - Number One 'Juro por Dios!' - Swear to God! 'eres el amor de mi vida' - You are the love of my life. 'El Valiente' - The Brave (It's actually a Loteria card (Mexican Bingo) and I know someone who calls their 'junk' this, thus, the inspiration) 'Ven conmigo, amor.' - Come with me, love.

Chapter 17: Wilder [We're Chained] Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"Tell me you love me, Clarke." "Why?" "Tell me." she says shoving her iPhone in the blonde's face. "Say it." "Say it into the phone?" "Yes...." "Why?" Clarke asks. "Are you recording it?" "Yes. Because I want to be able to hear you say it when you're not here..." "You can call me and I'll say it.." "And what if you lose your voice? What if you're at work and I need to hear it and you can't talk? What if-" "UGH! Fine. I'll say it." she fakes frustration. "I love you, Lexa." "Say it again. Tell me the way you tell me when we're in bed..." "We're in bed now..." "You know what I mean." Lexa huffs. "Clarke please. I want to have all the ways you say it....especially when you say it just for me." "I only ever say it for you...." Clarke assures her and the brunette lets out an unexpected giggle. "What are you laughing about? Are you gonna record me or not?" "You're cute when you're flustered, but I've been recording this whole time." "Lexa!"

***

"Hold still, Lex." "I'm trying, Clarke," the brunette squirms, "but it tickles." "Quit being such a dick," she teases, "You're gonna mess it up!" "Voy a darte la verga" Lexa jokes. "Whatever you just said," the blonde points warningly, shifting in the brunette's lap, "you better watch your mouth, Charming!"

"I said I love you," she laughs, stopping only to give a low growl as her hands squeeze the outside of the blonde's thighs, "y quiero tocarte toa.." "HEY!" Clarke pulls the waistband of her lover's shorts and lets it snap back at her pelvis. "No seduction tactics until I'm done, Mr." "No puedo prometer nada," Lexa tells her, her fingers lightly running over Clarke's thighs. "pero yo quiero que sepas que te amo mas que nada en este mundo." "Any chance you'd give me an actual translation for that, there, Smooth Talker?" "I can be persuaded. If you flash me." Clarke drops her paintbrush and lifts her top giving Lexa the full view before pulling it back down again. "Let's hear it then, babe." "I suddenly forgot." her girlfriend jokes. "Shut up! No you didn't!" the blonde yells, giving a playful pat against her ribcage. "Tell me what you said." "Okay, okay! I said, 'I love you more than anything in this world'..." her lover replies. "I don't like how you can just give me butterflies like that. It's not fair." "En el amor y la guerra todo vale." the brunette smiles. "All is fair in love and war, Clarke."

Clarke continues her work of painting the girl's stomach as she lays there in nothing but her neon yellow sports bra. It's a beautiful galaxy scene, pitch black base with quick drying paint and then swirls of smeared, spongy pinks and purples and blues with white twinkling stars. She's been working on it for an hour and Lexa's been patient, aside from the occasional shiver and shimmy, but she's really getting anxious to see the finished product. They talk as the blonde glides her brush over her lover's skin - part of her favorite masterpiece hidden under one of her own creation. And this is what it feels like, to be happy, she thinks. To be blessed and want for nothing.

"Does your arm hurt?" "No. Not as much as my collarbone." brunette half shrugs. "Well, you practically ripped your sling off yesterday and then proceeded to fuck me off the bed, so....I'd say that's to be expected." Clarke tells her with a smirk. "You were neither complaining nor correcting my actions yesterday.." "And I'm not now, either." "Good, because I would really hate to have to withhol-"

"Uh uh! I gotta stop you right there! There will be no withholding for the remaining duration of my stay here." the blonde shakes her head. "In a very short amount of time, we will be withholding for what, I'm sure, will feel like a fucking eternity so I want to indulge while I can. Thank you very much." "You better get to work on this painting so we can, then."

11:40am - LaynO: fea, grab clarke ya vamonos a vegas. estoy 'wifing' esta mujer hoy!

"So, my brother wants to marry your roomie. He's planning a trip to Vegas as we speak." Lexa informs her. "Damn!" the blonde chuckles. "Gati strikes again! Thank God I got to you before she latched on. I'd have lost you forever!"

11:42am - LeXXX: And risk death at the hands of our mother?? Yeah...hard pass, Bicho.

"I told him we're gonna pass on the wedding - avoid the rampage my mom will be on when she finds out."

11:45am - LaynO: lo que sea come mierda

"What did he say?" Clarke asks. "He.....implied that perhaps I would enjoy licking your ass." she jokes, eyebrows wagging. "OH MY GOD!!" the blonde throws her hand over her mouth. "NO!" "You wouldn't let me?" she brunette gasps, feigning offense. "Wait, what?" "I'm kidding Clarke." Lexa grins. "Oh...okay." "Unless you want me to." "What? NO!"

"Hahahaha. sólo bromeo, babe." the brunette laughs, tapping her girlfriend's knee lightly. "Aww, you should have seen your face." "It's not funny, Asshole." Clarke says, poking her girlfriend with the end of the paintbrush. "Would you laugh at me if I asked for something weird like that in bed??" "Hey, pretty girl, listen to me." Lexa grabs Clarke's hands to get her attention. "I would never think anything that you asked me for was weird. I may not agree to it. Or I may want to talk about it more before I commit myself to it, but I will never laugh at something you want. Okay? Don't EVER be afraid to tell me what you need. I'd rather you tell me and me give it to you, then you find it somewhere else." "Same with you." It sounded more like an accusation where Lexa's speech had sounded more like a comfort. "What do you mean by that?" "Just that.....I know you and Costia were.....doing whatever you were doing for a long time. And I'm sure that you asked her for things and she probably knew you.....wayyy better than I do, like - knew what you liked without having to ask. I don't.....I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me if I'm not doing something right. Or.....if there's something I'm not doing that you need me to. I don't want you to feel like.....she's the only one who would do it for you, Lex. Because, I will." "Clarke," she whispers, "there is no comparison between you and her." "I'm not talking about emotional stuff, Lexa. I'm talking about what gets you off and....I know that you told me she.....was good at it." "Give me your hand." "Why?" "Por favor! Dame tu manita, amor." And when she does, Lexa places it on her lap over the semi bulge in the front of her shorts, just above where the blonde is sitting. "Do you feel that? I am constantly excited around you, Clarke. My heart is always pounding and I'm always sporting a semi - you are like my little shot of adrenaline, my own personal rush. People call me an adrenaline junkie. They say.....that I'll get myself killed looking for that one REALLY big high. But, I died when I wrecked that speedboat that day. I was clinically dead. And I don't remember much before or right after. What I do know is that.....that short time.....it felt wonderful. I can't even explain the sensation of it." She stops to look down at their hands, licking her lips before she continues. "But I swear on my life, I have NEVER felt anything like you, Clarke. You're like the anticipation before a wave hits - you make my whole body buzz - still, at the same time you feel like a warm tidal pool. Just...peaceful and easy. There is absolutely no comparison for me. Not between you and her, or you and stunts, or you and any other pleasure I've tasted in this life or the next. Te anhelo solo a ti. I will always crave you." The depth of the words overtake Clarke - making her want to scream, cry, take flight, everything all at the same time. She's snapped out of her train of thought by Lexa's hips bucking. And that incites an entirely different feeling.

"God!" the blonde groans, grinding against the brunette. "You're seriously making me want to mess up all my hard work right now, you slick-mouth motherfucker!" "Finish your painting," Lexa directs her, "and then I'll paint you with something else.." "Oh my g-LEXA!!" "Bromeo, babe," the brunette offers, "......kinda."

12:02pm - RaverReyes: good morning, griffin ;)

"RAVEN'S UP!" Clarke squeals!

12:04pm - Griffter: murnin reyes ;) how was ur evening?

"And.....has she agreed to the Vegas trip - little white chapel and all?" Lexa jokes.

12:05pm - RaverReyes: fantastic, thank u for asking. I met God. told her thank-u, from both of us. she's really great, btw. 12:05pm - Griffter: that good, huh? gati's pleased? 12:06pm - RaverReyes: gati's positively purring ;)

"The way she's talking, I'm assuming so. Seeking confirmation, now."

12:06pm - Griffter: well lex already got a message from layne confessing his undying love for u (or possibly gati, wasn't specified) and inviting us to the wedding. 12:07pm - RaverReyes: he proposed (to both of us) this morning during breakfast - in bed >.< thrice ;)

"Yeah..." Clarke giggled, "I'm thinking she's down."

12:08pm - Griffter: im gonna make the best maid of honor.

12:09pm - RaverReyes: u just wanna see finestud! in her best-man tux, dont lie.

"You're gonna try to convince me to go, aren't you?" Lexa asks. "And you're gonna make me dress up...." "I'm not going to make you do anything." the blonde tells her. "You'll do it because you want to see me in my Maid of Honor dress......and then get me out of it." "Fuck yeah, I will."

12:11pm - Griffter: u bet ur ass i do. 12:12pm - Griffter: i really am sorry about last night. i know i told u at the beachhouse but...still....i really dont know what got into me rae.

"I can't wait to see you in a tie." Clarke tells her lover, hooking her finger on the top of the brunette's sports bra and pulling down a bit. "I may not be able to contain myself."

12:13pm - RaverReyes: dont sweat it clarke. just know that i would never do anything like that to u. ur my best fucking friend, bitch. we a team ;) 12:14pm - RaverReyes: plus, u didn't see the look on stellarstuds face when she saw u with bel.

"I may not want you to." Lexa says, her hands grabbing at Clarke's wrists as she types her reply. "I may also want to tie you up with it..."

12:15pm - Griffter: what r u talking about?

"Who says we have to wait for a wedding for that...?" "You seriously need to quit texting and finish this piece so I can flip us over and get my piece.." "Chil au, Heda." Clarke teases giving her girlfriend a wink. "I seriously need to kill my brother for teaching you this shit." "You don't like it?" the blonde asks shyly.

"No." Lexa replies,"I fucking love it..that's the problem."

12:17pm - RaverReyes: when we were all leavin the beach and bel grabbed u. harper saw it too. homie looked like she was bout to go streetfighter on him. 12:18pm - Griffter: lex doesn't do jealous, rae. she doesn't believe in that sort of thing. its sweet actually. kinda annoying because u already kno i get jealous but still..

"Be right back, Charming." she says, hopping off the brunette's lap. "Bathroom break."

12:20pm - RaverReyes: idgaf what she said. im tellin u what i saw. her eyes were BLACK. fists clenched and jaw tense. it was all very m-rod in machete. #unfff #crimescenetape #megusta 12:20pm - Griffter: for real? she never said anything to me tho. 12:21pm - RaverReyes: all i'm saying is, she legit looked like kingkong bout to go apeshit crazy on bigblake's ass. so it's a good thing u pulled away when u did.

"Babe...." the blonde calls out as she walks out from the bathroom. "Hmmm?" She walks over to the side of the bed, reaching out to take Lexa's hand and lock their fingers. Her knee comes up to the mattress and she lets herself fall so that she's laying almost perpendicular to the brunette, her head resting on the girl's hip. She wants to ask, she wants to bring it up in a way that doesn't sound like her heart is fluttering at the fact that her lover gets jealous - especially when she said she wouldn't. But tomorrow is her last full day, and she can't bring herself to ruin the time they have left. She wonders if Lexa feels the same way; if she's as anxious about her departure. She's not sure if she'd rather the brunette be strong as they say their goodbyes or if she'd rather see emotions that mirror her own. She decides not to think about either in favor of enjoying the present.

12:22pm - RaverReyes: btw, almost at the dynamic duo's house, now. make urselves decent.

"I was just gonna say, Rae and Layne are almost here..."

12:23pm - Griffter: enter at ur own risk ;)

***

The four of them make their way along the sidewalk - Clarke enjoying a piggy back ride on Lexa's back while Raven sits atop Layne's shoulders with both their hands locked against her thighs. They laugh and joke about Raven's misadventures with ordering new drinks at bars and Clarke confesses that more than a few times she had switched Raven's alcoholic drink for a non-alcoholic one once the blonde realized she was no longer coherent enough to notice a difference and therefore had no more use for the alcohol anyway. Layne talks about the night Clarke had called and Lexa fell asleep and flipped Dana, the pool floatie, which of course leads to the question of why/how Dana got her name. Lexa obliges and Raven laughs so hard she almost bursts into tears at the thought of BeachStud! Lexa cuddling an inflatable crocodile. Clarke's phone is playing music - Love And Theft's song 'Can't Stop Smiling' - and Lexa is about to share a story regarding her twin as they approach the Coquina Cafe to see the girl Layne identifies as Tris working at the counter.....and Costia sitting at the end of the bar with another girl. "Well, this isn't going to be awkward at all." Layne mutters as he helps Raven down from his shoulders. "KRIPA!!!" the amber-haired girl at the counter yells. "Sochu, joka?! "What the fuck?" Raven questions. "Who is she talking to?" "She's talking to Layne," Lexa answers, letting Clarke dismount. "Kripa is....a nickname of sorts. It means Demon in Trig." Clarke hasn't taken her eyes off the woman standing at the counter with Tris. Costia finally turns to face them and it sends a pang of jealousy through the blonde's chest because she realizes that her gaze is immediately locked on Lexa. Her lover's head is down, adjusting her shirt and shorts, and she hasn't looked up to see the pair of eyes trained on her. But Clarke has already had enough and walks up closer behind the brunette to wrap her arms around her waist. Her hand finds its way just under the hem of Lexa's shirt and into the front of her shorts, tucking fingertips just inside the band of her boxer briefs. She hears and feels the vibration of the girl's hum and she knows this is a welcomed gesture. Layne and Raven have made their way to the counter, the blonde can see, and the girl behind the counter is giving Layne a hug and a kiss on the cheek which prompts Raven to lean closer to him. Her action isn't necessary though because Clarke watches his arm snake around and find its home at her back - rubbing and scratching before settling just above her ass. She watches as her roommates hand, which was fidgeting at her side, suddenly stills and she turns to kiss his shoulder before looking back at Tris. It's cute. It's natural. And it's everything Clarke wants for her friend. And for herself. She feels Lexa's fingers running delicately over her hands and the blonde positions her head to rest against her girlfriend's back - listening to her heart beat. If the brunette's feeling agitated by Costia's presence, she isn't showing it. And if Clarke were being honest, she'd have to admit that she doesn't know what's worse - Lexa being

uncomfortable being around that bitch......or not. "Come with me to the bar?", she hears her say. "Okay.." "So, demon, huh?" Raven says, "I like that shit!" "Yeah, well," Tris starts, "he's a charming little devil, so..." "So it's in the genes, then?" Clarke giggles looking at her girlfriend. "Oh, hundred perfect." the amber-haired girl answers. "They're both assholes, but they're so enthralling you almost don't mind it. Layne was always a bit sweeter though. Lexa's an extreme Sour Patch Kid, I swear. She's all sour and scratchy on the outside but if you make it past that, she's all gummy cuteness." This comment draws a look from those at the far side of the counter, and Clarke meets Costia's gaze before eyeing the girl next to her. "Tris, can you please NOT tell childhood stories?" Lexa pleads. "Yeah, okay, whatever." the girl replies, dripping with sarcasm, "Your girlfriend needs to know these things. Look, Clarke, all of us - sou Kongeda-de - we were like a little gang back in the day. And Heda, here, was our fearless leader." "Heda??" Clarke snaps her attention back to the girl standing in front of her across the bar. "You call her Heda?" She looks at Lexa who has a flush rising up her neck and cheeks. "Yeah, it means-" "Commander.." the blonde offers. "-Chief, I was gonna say....but....clearly there is a MUCH more intriguing story behind your translation. And I, for one, am fucking dying to hear it!" "Anya's nickname is Pakstoka." Layne interrupts, making Lexa send up prayers of thanksgiving, once again, for twin telepathy and his having heard her pleas for interference. "It means 'Wolf'" "Echo's is Klakas. It means 'Bones' because she's so skinny." Tris adds. "My girl Emori got the name Veida when we first started dating - it means 'outsider' and that's what this bunch started calling her because she wasn't 'one of us'." "Shit, I thought Echo was a nickname." Clarke laughed. "Actually, no, that is her legal, God-given name. She, apparently, was conceived at a spiritual retreat in Arizona by some mountain range and her parents said they remembered the night they 'made her' and the echoes their howls of pleasure casted off the mountain walls." "Fuck, ewwww.." the blonde gags in respone. "Did not need to hear about 'howls of pleasure'."

"So you all speak.....??" Raven's question trailed off "Trig," Layne answered from beside her. "Trigedasleng is the full name for the language but we say Trig." "We all spent a ridiculous amount of time at Lex & Layne's growing up." the amber-haired girl explains, "Our parents - me and a bunch of others from this stretch of beach - they were always so busy throwing parties or doing business or whatever, so Indra and Gus practically raised us. That's how we learned Trig. Among other things." "So....what's yours then?" Clarke points to the girl working the bar. "Your nickname I mean." "Tris' is Tristraka," Lexa states. "To most people, Tris is a shortened form of her legal name, Tristyn. But when we call her Tris, it's a Kru thing. It literally translates to 'treestriker' but it means 'lightening'. We called her that because she was so fucking unpredictable." "And yours is Heda, then?" the blonde redirects to her lover. "Actually," a voice from the end of the bar pipes up and Clarke realizes it's Costia. "Hers was Steltrona, before." The quiet that follows the comment is tense. Clarke watches as Lexa's jaw clenches but she says nothing in retort. "What does it mean?" she asks. "Steltrona is a legend among the Trikru." the male twin interrupts to explain. "A bedtime flight of fantasy sometimes, a tale of perseverance other times. She's a wild horse that no one can catch, no matter how hard they try. She's fast and she's strong and wicked smart. More than those, though, she's free......and she doesn't want to be tamed." "Why did you change it?" Raven asks, not understanding. "Because she changed." the dark-haired woman says. "Anya renamed her, actually. After Aden died, she was different. She took on the responsibility of making sure everyone was taken care of. Making sure everyone in la Kongeda was safe and had what they needed. She became a leader instead of a lone runner. She wasn't quite as wild anymore....." "Aden?" the blonde questions, her blue eyes scanning the face of the curly-haired brunette in front of her. "He was my best friend. He.....he killed himself." the girl whispers. "His mom...she was an alcoholic, both his parents were, but his dad was always gone on business. His mom used to beat the shit out of him. We all knew, he told us not to say anything or do anything about it. But I should have. If I would have......Anyways, he couldn't handle it I guess. And one day it was just too much and he ended it." "Baby, I'm sure there was nothing you could have done..." Clarke offers her, but it made sense to her, in that moment. She understood, then, why Lexa had reacted the way she did when her mother had hit her - why she'd been so protective. "Yeah, well........the dead are gone. The living are hungry, right?" Lexa sighs as she leaves the bar walking towards a table a the far end of the pavilion. She takes a seat and Clarke

gives her a look, asking for permission, which she grants and the blonde takes a seat in her lap, straddling her. "Don't do that, okay?" Clarke tells her. "Don't block me out. We don't have to talk about it anymore. Just don't push me away. Let me hold you, let me be here with you. Even if it's in silence, because I'd rather have silence with you than a hundred conversations with anyone else." The girl nods and wraps her arms around Clarke's waist - the blonde following suit and throwing her arms around her lover's neck to pull her in close. "Get a room, you two." Raven says, pulling out a chair as Layne follows. "Clarkey, what are you going to do when we leave? You two have been practically joined at the hip." Clarke felt Lexa's arms tighten around her, like she was willing her not to go. "I don't know Rae. But I know as soon as I finish the project for my mom's department, I'm coming back." "Have you talked to your mom?" her friend asks. "Ya know, since yesterday?" "No, I-" "I did." Lexa admits, which makes the blonde snap her head towards her. "I called the hotel early this morning, before you woke up. I needed to apologize for my behavior. But I also wanted to let her know how I felt under less emotional circumstances." "You spoke with my mother?" "I did. I.....meant to tell you earlier. But I didn't know how to bring it up, exactly-" "What did you think you needed to apologize for?" Clarke asks her. "I feel like she came there for a fight." "Be that as it may, Clarke, I should have stayed out of your personal affairs especially when it comes to your father's Trust. It wasn't my place. I overreacted. I did, however, tell her that I was not sorry for making her leave after she hit you. But I admit that this also was partly my fault because I stirred things up by saying what I did." "Do you regret saying it?" "I do not. I wish I would have said it in a different, more eloquent and less 'attacking' way, but.....I do not regret it. I meant what I said Clarke. I support you. And whether that means supporting you monetarily or not, I will do it whatever it takes to see you succeed in your dream of pursuing art. I..I don't have a lot of money. I mean, I'm not rich, but I have enough and I-" "Stop it!" the blonde tells her, planting a messy kiss on her lips. "You're going to make my heart explode you precious fucking cinnamon roll, you!! Oh my God!" The song coming over the speakers changes and they hear a shriek of 'Yo quisiera!!!' coming from the direction of the counter. "Oye! Kripa!" Tris calls from the bar, "Trae tu culo aqui!!"

"NO! No quiero bailar!" he yells back. "LAYMO!! Muevelo! Ahora!" the amber haired girl yells. "Baila conmigo!" she whines. Lexa can't control the giggle that erupts as Layne smiles at Raven and gives her a wink before he gets up and joins the girl in the open area at the center of the pavilion. "She speaks Spanish, too?" Raven queries. "Tris is.....a girl of may talents." Lexa says as the blonde in her lap gets up to change positions so she can watch. "She makes it a point to be fluent - in every move she makes, every way she wants to express herself, she wants to be able to do so freely. No obstructions in life, that's her philosophy. She loves learning....so she takes up projects. She's well versed in a number of things." "Apparently, Salsa is one of them." the girl comments again. "Jesus shit. She's really good. They're both.....holy fuck." "Gati might need an ice cold beverage, Raven." Clarke jokes, thankful that her lover can't see her slight blush at her next question, "So babe, can you dance like that?" "I can, yes. Though I'm not nearly as......'flamboyant' as Layne is. He's like a peacock when he dances Salsa." Lexa answers, making Raven laugh. "It's one of the reasons Tris enjoys dancing with him so much." "Are they a thing?" Raven prods a little. "I mean, I know she has a girlfriend but.....have they been a thing or......?" "Totally platonic. But they both like to show off - so when they dance, they strut. Even Tris' girlfriend thinks it's funny how....llamativo y....animado they are." "They are amazing together.." she says. They watch as Layne twists and turns, spinning the girl with his hands as his feet move to keep time. Their movements are so fluid and seamless. It looks like a routine but Clarke can tell by the surprise on Lexa's face as she takes in each shuffle and kick that it's not. There's a wonderment in the girl's eyes that the blonde can't help but be captivated by. The song changes, a familiar tune - Drake's song 'One Dance' playing through the speakers - and Tris screams for Lexa to come dance. "Get your ass up and get over here! This is alllll you, boo! Vamos!" "Go babe." Clarke gets up, leaning in to whisper, "I wanna watch you." As Lexa makes her way to the center with Tris, Layne takes his seat again next to Raven. "You're gonna enjoy this, Sunshine." he smirks. They watch as Lexa moves her hips, rolling and twisting, as the amber-haired girl in front of her fan's herself with her hand, opening her mouth as if she's panting. The blonde watches, taking in her girlfriends movements and how natural it seems for her to be out there dancing like that - how uninhibited and unbridled. Everything comes so easily to this girl, she thinks. Is there anything she can't fucking do? It's like she's magic. They laugh seeing the girls trade twirks - seemingly admiring each other's skills before coming together, Tris' back to Lexa's front as they grind. Tris bends over, winding her ass and Lexa crosses her arms - one hand on each of the girl's hips - as she thrusts

her hips forward slightly rolling her abs in the same motion. She repeats her thrusts as she uses one hand to lift her shirt slightly for a good view of those 'hand-crafted by God' muscles rippling with every purposeful pelvic rotation. But Clarke's eyes soon fall to the darker-haired woman remaining at the bar. Her stare is locked on Lexa and the girl beside her seems equally as interested, though she turns her gaze back to her drink frequently. "Hey Layne, who's that girl sitting by Costia?" Layne clears his throat before he answers. "Her sister." "That's-?" "Yeah." he says coldly, cutting her off. "Who's Costia?" Raven interjects. "And who's her sister? What did I miss?" "Costia is Fea's ex booty call-" "And Arabella.......is the girl who took her virginity." Clarke finishes. "FUCK! She banged both sisters??" the girl gasps. "Damn, FineStud! is a fucking assassin! But, Clarke you know I hate that shit - 'took her virginity'? - like it was something to fucking steal." "I know Ra-" "Well I mean, she practically did." Layne throws the words out before taking a sip of his beer. "What do you mean?" the blonde pushes, trying to understand the tone of his statement. "Well," he answers quickly, "Lexa didn't exactly initiate the encounter." "Oh, no I know that. She said Arabella kissed her first.." "She did a little more than that. Truth is, Lexa didn't even touch her. She was-" "What the fuck are you talking about Layne? She said they.....'did it'..." "Look, Lex told me that Ari came tapping on the window asking to stay for a bit and so she let her. She said they were watching a movie and Ari kissed her - started kissing all over her and then when she reached down to....'go for the gold' she found out about..." he paused for a minute, glancing at Raven and then back to Clarke who nodded for him to continue, mouthing the words 'she already knows'. "Well anyways, when she grabbed at it, Lex got embarrassed and tried to push her away but Ari told her she wanted to try it because...she'd never been with a dude before and her parents had just found out about her being gay and they were all on her about 'suck a dick like every other rebellious girl your age, please' and....so Fea just laid there. let her do whatever she wanted. She didn't even touch her. She told me she was too scared. She said it was over fast, and I don't think I need to explain why, but.....she said Ari told her it was okay, gave her a kiss, and then slipped out the window like a smooth fucking criminal. That's why my mom got so fucking pissed about it. Like...what a fucking dick of first time, ya know?"

"That bitch!! How fucking dare-I swear to God, Layne, it is taking everything in me not to walk over there right now and fucking say something to her." "Don't," he says, grabbing her hand. "Lexa wouldn't want you to do that. She didn't tell anyone about what really happened because she was embarrassed - at first because of her body and then more because she felt like a pussy for not...doing anything. Just, don't start anything, Okay? She wants to let it go - move forward. Costia lives here and so does Arabella now, since she moved back, so....Fea knows she's gotta just learn to deal with them. But, I mean, look at her.....she's happy right now. She's happy with you. She doesn't give a fuck about anybody else so just.....let her have that. Let her have something good." They hear the song change again to an older song she recognizes as 'Wine Slow' by Gyptian, and when they turn their attention back to the mock-dance floor, she sees Lexa's eyes on her. As she feels Layne's hand let go of hers, she takes in the stare that her lover is giving her - how deep and dark her eyes look, the set of her jaw. She's dancing still - her body moving like a belly dancer - but her gaze is almost predatory and those once green eyes feel like strong hands grabbing at the blonde's heart and squeezing.

This is the look Raven saw at the beach, Clarke tells herself. She's jealous. The blonde stands up from her chair and walks over to the brunette. It's time to let her know, she thinks, wrapping her arms around the girl's neck. She lets her body melt into the same rhythm as her lovers, every movement feeling like a sentence exchanged between them, as she whispers in her girlfriend's ear, "You look so good out here. I enjoy watching you - the way you smile and how your eyes flicker when you're having fun. And I don't care that you danced with her, or if you dance with someone else, just don't forget where you belong, Heda." She nips at her earlobe and Lexa's hand runs down her hip as they move against each other, then around and back up to grab her ass. "That's right, baby." she sings to her, "It's all yours. You have nothing to worry about." She feels Lexa start to pull away, clearly objecting to the implications though she never opens her mouth. Clarke pulls the brunette in harder, grinding her hips forward against the girl's, her lips ghosting over her lover's as she reassures her, "I know you won't admit it. I know it's scary. I feel it too when I think about you with anyone else, but just know that I'm only yours. Don't ever question that. Whatever insecurities you feel, whatever worries - my heart, as well as my body, is yours, Lexa. For as long as you want me...." "Forever." the brunette breathes out to her, "I want you forever." "Sou den gada ai in, Heda. Otaim." the blonde tells her before locking their lips. "Fuck me......on second thought, Griffin, don't get a room," Raven interrupts them, "because you two together...exceedingly hot. Like....I may need a new pair of panti-" "Shut up, Rae!! Oh my gosh!" Clarke huffs, looking back at Lexa. "Alright Commander Hotstuff, our moment has officially been kill't, so you ready to get going?" "Ready to get out of here, yes. But where to next?" "Do you trust me?" "Yeeesssssss....." Lexa answers like she's waiting for an explanation.

"Where's the closest tattoo place??" "Close by here...about two blocks that way...why?" "RaeRae," the blonde calls out to her roommate, "You and Uno down??" "Down for....?" her friend asks quirking her eyebrow. "Tattoos?" "Fuck yeah!" Layne cheers with a toothy grin. "Dale!"

***

"What are you getting, Clarke?" Raven asks her. "I'm getting a little devil holding a sign that says '5x5' on it." "What the fuck, Rae?" "It's to commemorate this trip, Clarke. A devil because Papi's nickname is 'Demon' and '5x5' because my new LifeGuardLestie! - that means Lesbian bestie, by the way - loves Faith from BTVS just as much as me. I feel like I've made new friends during this trip and..." Raven smiles. "If you tell anyone what a softy I am, I'll have you murdered and I won't think twice about it." "Awww, Raven." the blonde gives a fake frowny face. "You're just a little hedgehog - all scary and spiky on the outside but your underneath is so cuddly." "That's it.....I'm letting Gati go through with her plan to poison your oreos." "Hey hey, ladies," Layne says walking over to them. He and Lexa had been checking out the 'LookBook' for the tattoo artist that would be working on them - doing their 'research' they called it. "Have you two lovelies decided?" "We have," Clarke answers. "You guys all good? Lex, you know what you're getting?" "Yep," the brunette answers. "All set." And when all is said and done, Layne ends up with a bad-ass bitemark tattoo (which he swears symbolizes his first encounter with a ruthless 'Gatita') on his left side, over his ribcage, and Raven goes home with her 'kripa' and his '5x5' sign. Clarke leaves with a small black horse silhouette, the back end of which is striped black and white - the pattern of which is made of Lexa's right thumb print. Lexa leaves with what looks like a small blue system of ocean waves from a distance - the same blue that matches the blonde's eyes - just behind her right ear, but it is actually the exact vocal waves taken from a screenshot of the recording of Clarke's voice telling her 'I love you'.

***

They're laying outside on the beach, on top of a comforter that Lexa's mom had given them, staring up at the sky above them. Raven and Layne had abandoned ship in favor of getting back to the beach-house for another round of 'bedroom war games', and Clarke is enjoying her alone time with the crazy-curl donning brunette. Her right hand is held tightly by her lover's left, and she uses her left hand to put up to the stars. "See that one? That's Ursa Major." she says. Lexa chuckles but bites it back and the blonde turns to her. "What?" "That's Cassiopeia, not Ursa Major." "God! Of course you would know that." Clarke grumbles as she rolls over to kiss her girlfriend's jaw. "Are you sure you didn't fall from the sky?" "No, Clarke," the girl tells her a serious tone before she lets a smile slip through, "But I'm positive that you did." "Keep that up, Charming, and you're definitely getting lucky tonight!" "I'm lucky just to have you, mi princesa de los cielos." the brunette cooes. "Translation, please." "I called you my Sky Princess." "Yep! You just sealed your cosmic fate!" Clarke giggles, kissing along her lover's neck and jawline to find her mouth. "I bet I can make you see stars..." she whispers as she bites Lexa's bottom lip. "Quizas, mi amor," Lexa replies to her in hushed, sultry tone, "pero I bet I can send you up to greet them." "You're on, Heda. And just in case I do go to the stars tonight - May we meet again." "I'd meet you in a thousand lifetimes, Clarke....."

Notes: 'Voy a darte la verga' - I'll give you the dick. 'y quiero tocarte toa' - and I want to touch all of you 'no puedo prometer nada, pero yo quiero que sepas que te amo mas que nada en este mundo.' - I can't promise anything. But I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. 'en el amor y la guerra todo vale' - in love and war anything goes/all is fair in love and war 'fea, grab clarke ya vamonos a vegas. estoy 'wifing' esta mujer hoy!' - fea, grab clarke and let's go to Vegas. I'm 'wifing' this girl today! 'lo que sea come mierda' - whatever, eat shit/whatever, shit-eater

'sólo bromeo' - just kidding 'por favor! dame tu manita, amor!" - please, give me your little hand, love! 'te anhelo solo a ti' - I long for only you. 'Kripa! Sochu, joka?!' - Kripa (Demon), What's up, fucker?! 'sou Kongeda-de' - THE Kongeda 'Oye! Trae tu culo aqui!' - Hey! Bring your ass here! 'no quiero bailar!' - I don't want to dance. 'Muevelo! Ahora! Baila comigo!' - Move it! Now! Dance with me! 'llamativo y animado' - striking/flamboyant and animated/lively 'Vamos!' - come on! 'sou den gada ai in, Heda. otaim.' - then have me, Heda. always. Dale! - Go 'head! 'mi princesa de los cielos' - my princess of heaven/princess of the sky 'Quizas, mi amor' - perhaps, my love

Chapter 18: Cry Baby Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text There's a natural order in which you enter into a relationship. You meet someone and there's usually something about them that you peaks an interest in you. You talk, exchange small details of your life, and then give each other contact information if you want to see each other again. There are usually dates involved - maybe a little Netflix and Chill. You follow each other on social media, a Like here, a Comment there. Clarke thinks about this as she sits on the edge of the bed, braiding Lexa's hair, with the girl on the floor between her legs. She thinks about how long it's been and how far they've come. She amuses herself thinking of everything they 'skipped' over. "You feeling okay, babe?" she blonde asks. "You haven't exactly been following the doctor's orders and I just.....I wanna make sure you're not pushing yourself because of me." "I feel great. You don't have to worry about me, Clarke." "Simmer down, Commander." she tuts. "I'm allowed to nag you now." The brunette giggles, throwing her head back into Clarke's lap to get an upside-down look at the girl above her. "Why? Because you're mi vieja now?" "Because I spent an ungodly hour and a half washing beach sand out of your crazy hair last night before we could even go to bed. And because you hit me in the face twice with your cast while you were trying to caress my cheek in your sleep, I'm assuming, anyway. AND because I am WANHEDA! Commander of Death!! RAWWWRRRR!!" "Well," her lover smiles, "I was gonna go with because you're my girlfriend, but those are good reasons, too."

"Put your head back down so I can finish braiding." Clarke instructs her, trying not to giggling.....and failing. "You called me your girlfriend. That's the first tim-" "Twice." "What?" "I called you it twice." Lexa explains. "I called you mi vieja, before. It means 'my ol' lady'..." "SHUT UP!" the blonde spits out, laughing and giving her lover a playful slap on her left shoulder. "I feel like a biker's wife now. 'Ol' Lady'...You cheeky little shit!" "I do own a bike." the girl chuckles. "It's at my friend Luna's place, where I stay when I'm on set in LA - which I am about 75% of the time." "You just....leave your bike there?" "Yeah, she use it sometimes when I'm not there." the brunette offers. "I trust her with it. Plus it helps to have a mode of transportation when I'm there so I don't have to rent a car or rely on other people for rides." "Does Luna work with you?" "Yeah, in a way. She does wardrobe." "Oh," Clarke thinks about that a second, "How does that work, exactly? Like...she just picks things out or you do fittings?" "I do fittings. We have to wear certain protective gear under our clothes so she has to come fit me and make sure it's going to work. Most of my clothes usually end up looking all kinds of fucked up, but she does amazing work. She can make anything." "That's nice of her to let you stay at her place." "It is," Lexa laughs, "but don't go thinking she's some good Samaritan, Mother Theresa, type. She gets her own benefits from me staying there - I'm responsible for cooking. Luna's girlfriend can't cook for shit, but she loves her so she deals. When I'm there, though, I do the cooking as a way of 'paying rent' is how Luna put it to her. That way it doesn't make her feel bad." "I have to confess, I'm not much of a cook either. I can make Mac'N'Cheese, and that's.....about the extent of it." Clarke admits sheepishly. "I happen to love Mac'N'Cheese." the brunette reassures her. "I can teach you how to make my Three Cheese, Bacon, and Jalapeno Mac'N'Cheese, if you want..." "Mmmm, forget making it, I just wanna eat it!" the blonde praises. "No wonder Luna makes you cook. Does she know you won't be back to work for a bit?" "She sent me a message on Facebook yesterday asking if I had changed my phone number or something. I sent her a brief message - explaining the events of my break so far - telling her how I fell in love at first sight, got hit by a car, had my phone shattered, and decided to start a new life with a pretty blonde living in a beach-side grass hut. Her

response was 'sounds like a strong tuesday to me'. You should add her." Lexa tells her, leaning her head back again to face her. "I mean...you'd have to add me first to add her, but...you should.....add us....both..." "You're fucking adorable. I swear to God." Clarke tells her, planting a kiss on her forehead. "So that's a yes then? You'll add me....?" "Here..." Clarke says handing the girl her iPhone. "The code is 8265. Go add yourself while I finish braiding. You have so much hair, babe. I could get lost in it." "You should hide in there when the others come to take you back to Gainesville." Lexa tells her. "That way they can't take you away." "I'm coming back...." the blonde promises. "You know that right? This isn't it for us, Lex." "No, I know.......I just........don't know how I'm gonna go back to you not being here." "Well, I plan to add you on EVERY social media platform you have available and we're going to stalk the hell out of each other and talk just like we used to and we'll visit each other when we can. We'll make this work." "Okay." "Hey, so we're having a huge party for 4th of July at my grandparents' place. I...." she pauses, moving one hand from Lexa's hair to her neck and then down her chest over her heart, "I'd really like it if you would come. I want you to meet them. I really want them to meet YOU." "I'll be there." the brunette agrees instantly. "Can I have your address? I want to write to you and send you little postcards and shit." "Like...REAL letters and postcards?" "Yeah, I mean....postcards from the places I go to shoot and stuff. I've been everywhere already but I'd really like to share things with you when I go now. And yes, I like handwritten letters. I don't think people understand how personal it is and....intimate to write a letter - like how they did back then. I want to write you things. Beautiful things." Lexa confides. "That way you can save them or something. Memories, ya know? Phones only last so long and you lose the shit on them and...I just like how old-school it is." "For someone who doesn't do relationships, you are such a romantic." Clarke tells her. "You are always surprising me with how sweet you are - hope open to me..." "I'm a fast learner, Clarke."

***

Albums upon albums, small decorative tin cans, all filled with pictures being laid out in front of them. The twins are on grocery duty - their mother holding the girls as hostages to insure a quick trip - and the two roommates have been offered the opportunity to view childhood photos of the objects of their affections. Indra searches intently for something as Raven and Clarke go through them all. There aren't any baby pictures yet all these pictures are school age and up. They were the cutest kids. Clarke can't help but think about the conversation in the hospital - about how her lover could potentially get her pregnant - and now she wonders what their children might look like. Would they have her blue eyes or Lexa's green? Maybe a tie-dyed mix of both. She decides she'd rather them inherit the brunette's mane of loose curls rather than her blonde waves. She imagines their children running along the beach picking up sea-shells and drawing in the sand. She thinks about Lexa carrying them out to sea to play in the waves and then rushing back to shore, saving the little ones from being taken by them. She thinks about bonfires on the beach, roasting marshmallows, and camping out in tents behind their own beach house kind of like Lexa's parents or the ones the Delinquents had rented for this trip. "Look at Papi! Oh my God!" Raven squeals. "Those baby curls are killing my heart!" "They were both adorable children," Indra muses, continuing her search, "all curls and green eyes. We didn't cut their hair the first time until they turned 4. Ha, they hated it and we let it grow right back out. They were wild ones. Gus and I couldn't have been happier and more proud, honestly." "You guys adopted them right after birth?" Clarke asks her. "I think I remember Lex saying something about that.." "We were there from the time their birth mother was about 8 months along. We had tried and tried to have children. Nothing worked. The doctors could not tell us why we weren't able. They said everything was in working order and perfect - primed for pregnancy. But it was a battle we kept losing. My father called me one day and told me that there was a young girl at his church that was pregnant - with twin boys and that she hated the thought of them being turned over and put into the system but she knew she wasn't equipped to take care of them. He said he just....knew that we would be right for them. He set it all up and from the moment we found out and met with her, we were there. There for the last ultrasounds and the delivery. We took them home from the hospital as soon as they were released." "Did you have any further contact with their birth mother?" Raven questions. "Yes," Indra says. "But Gus and I....chose not to tell them at the time. It wasn't until they were much older that we told them about how we'd contacted her and asked them if they wanted to." "Why contact her?" the blonde prods, trying not to cross any boundaries.. "Here." the older woman says, momentarily avoiding the question. "I found the baby pictures." She hands them to Clarke and immediately Clarke and Raven both notice something is off. The babies resemble the twins, but the picture is of two bouncing baby boys. The next picture is the same, two baby boys toddling around. The picture after that is of twin boys at their second birthday party - two small cakes, one in front of each of them, with #2 candles on them - long, curly hair and green T-shirts with #2 on them. The fourth

picture is of two boys with luxurious locks pulled back in ponytails, riding big-wheels down a driveway that doesn't resemble the one outside now. The house in the background is different. The fifth picture is of two boys with unkempt corkscrew tendrils framing their faces, wearing soccer jerseys, shorts, and cleats - each holding soccer balls under their arms and against their sides - smiling like their faces alone were the sunlight in the summer. "You're seeing correctly." Indra tells them, in a hushed voice. "Layne has told me that both of you are aware of Lexa's anatomical 'uniqueness'." "But.....Lexa-" Clarke tries, unable to find the right words to continue. "Lexa, for the first few years of her life, was Lucca. She was raised as a boy because we had no way of knowing otherwise." she explains. "The first ultrasound they did, before we were even involved, their mother was told she was going to have two boys. When they were delivered, we had two healthy baby boys. Beautiful, sweet, smart baby boys. However, when Lexa was 5....she became sick. Very sick. And they couldn't find the cause. They did all sorts of testing. They wanted to try everything. We were at our wits end." she pauses to take a breath and then continues. "We contacted their mother then, to ask if there was any medical history that she hadn't disclosed to the agency that helped facilitate the adoption or any recent onset of symptoms like Lexa's. They did further testing and were surprised to find that 'Lucca' had ovaries, though he had no outer characteristically female genitalia. The doctors said it was possible but that they did not know what that would mean as far as how 'Lucca's' body would react during puberty. They said that if the ovaries did function, she would probably hit puberty earlier than her twin, as girls usually mature before boys. They said there was a possibility that it could trigger a reaction to kick her into male puberty as well, but at the end of the day, they really weren't sure what would happen. We had no idea what to do, at first. The therapist they assigned to us told us that....in these cases....there was no set way of doing things and that we could choose how we wanted to proceed." "So she was.......you changed her name?" the blonde stutters. "You decided to raise her as a girl instead of continuing as if she were 100% male? Wasn't that more confusing for her?" "Yes, we did change her name and yes we made that decision." the older woman answered. "Gus and I discussed it at great length. We looked into different cases where families had dealt with situations similar to this. We felt that it would be easier to move forward by bringing her up as female and then we would see how puberty effected her. We decided it might be better for her that way than to raise her as male and have her develop breasts. A penis is.....considerably easier to conceal when necessary. I don't think she remembers anything from that far back. It was....a whirlwind in our lives. The doctors finally figured out what was wrong in the end - though it had nothing to do with the other news we received - and they started treating her. She started getting better and we packed everything we had moved on to a new life. We moved here to give her and our family, as a unit, the ability to start over. Away from people who would judge without taking into consideration that she was just a child and had no control of the situation. Even we didn't have control of it, really. But we made the best decisions we could at the time, given the circumstances." "Did you...." Clarke starts, feeling shy about asking her question, suddenly, "did you ever....think about her having surgery to remove it? Was that ever something you talked about?"

"We did. It was a big part of our discussions, actually. But Gus was......adamant that there would be no surgery until Lexa was old enough to make that decision herself. At first I was angry at him because I felt like he was punishing her just because he was still holding out hope for the son he wanted her to be. But he explained to me about.....Trikru beliefs and customs and I knew that couldn't be further from the truth. He just wanted her to be happy and comfortable and to make her own decisions regarding her body and the removing of it's parts." "What did Trikru beliefs have to do with this?" "He grew up listening to stories about our people. I did not have the same chance, but I learn from what he tells me and what he tells our children and their friends. Apparently, twins are rare in Trikru culture. It is said that they are always born to prominent leading families and they always become leaders themselves. Much like Native Americans have 'Two Spirits' who reside in one body, twins in Trikru culture are seen as one being that was too strong and had to be split into two. They are also said to always be born in male-female pairings. Never male-male or female-female. He told me that he feels like, in a way, the twins were meant to be ours because even though they were seen as two males, they were actually the perfect pairing for our culture in disguise. He believes that Lexa fought her way to being a part of our lives, and I have to believe in that too. I have to believe that that is the reason why we could not conceive." "Did you ever give her the choice? For the surgery, I mean..." Clarke pushes and Raven voices a 'yeah, did you?' beside her. "We saved the money for the surgery and travel expenses, because the surgeon we looked at was in California, and when she turned 18 we gave it to her. We told her if she wanted the surgery we would support her but that we couldn't make that decision for her. We also told her that if she wanted to transition and live as a male, we would support her in that as well. Clarke, my point in telling you all of this is.....I want to know that you support her the way we do. That you don't expect anything from her that she cannot give. My only hope for her, relationship wise, is for her to be with someone who loves her and accepts her for who she is and not who they think they can mold her to be. I know you artist types. You see an opportunity to create, and I don't want my child to become a canvas for you..." "Indra, I love her. And that is not conditioned upon her genitals or her gender identity. I would support her with any decision she made in this situation. If she wants to have surgery, I'll be there for her. But she certainly doesn't have to change for me. I know what I signed up for." the blonde assures her. "If you don't mind me asking...how did you go about getting her used to a different name? I mean...how did you transition from Lucca to Lexa?" "Well, her full name was Lucca Alexander. The first name means 'Light' and my husband chose it because he said we had finally found the light at the end of our tunnel. We called her Lex because 'Lexander', yes without the A, was Gus' father's name and he went by 'Lex' - Gus said it was odd how much her little grin reminded him of his father's. When we had to choose another name....we knew we had to keep 'Lex' because she was already so familiar with it and it held so much sentimental value for her father. We chose Lexa and gave her the middle name Arielle because it means 'Lion of God' and my husband's favorite animal is a lion. It fit as Layne's middle name is Auberon which means 'Bearlike' and it was given to him because my favorite animal is the bear." "How did Layne deal with the change?" Raven finally spoke up.

"It was an adjustment." Indra tells her, giving her a smile. "But even so, their bond has never really been brother/sister. He's never seen her as this little sister he needed to protect. I think....she's always been more of his partner in crime. Or the one to lead him into it. They share so many of the same facial expressions and mannerisms that sometimes it's like they really are just....extensions of each other instead of two separate beings." "They haven't seen these picture?" Clarke asks. "I mean....she never mentioned-" "They've never really asked about the early years. Gus and I originally put the pictures away so that if the twins brought friends over, and their friends weren't already aware, they wouldn't ask questions after seeing them. But of course, their friends ended up practically living here anyway so they all knew. Their close friends, anyway. I use to think I'd give them each copies of them - for one of their birthdays - but I haven't done it yet. I worry that it will make her uncomfortable. Especially if she doesn't remember. We've always tried to be so gender neutral after we found out. That way she wouldn't feel....pressured to fit as one or the other. We called her 'Lex' or 'Pauna' most of her life instead of 'Lexa' - just in case she decided she didn't like her female name and we'd have to change it, again. Gus only took to calling her Lexa-Ri after she told us that she was comfortable with exactly who she was." "Do you think Lexa ever wants kids?" the blonde questions. "She has told me on more than one occasion that she doesn't." the older woman admits. "Is this something you're thinking about or something that may be a problem for you?" "Oh, I mean...No way, it's too soon for that. I just...she told me that the chances were slim that I would....I mean...that we would...." "I know what you mean, Clarke. And I agree, it is soon. But please don't think that if something did happen that you should go making rash decisions." "Rash decisions?" "Yes, like aborting the bab-" "No! Oh, Indra no." Clarke assures her, "I wouldn't do that. I.....I couldn't..." "I already know that Layne wants kids," Raven clucks. "He told me he wants a baker's dozen." "That does not surprise me." their mother laughs. "He's always wanted a big family. That's why we took in so many of the kids around here. He and his sister would bring them over and then after a while, they just never left. Layne's old room - it used to be both of their room when Anya lived here - was filled to the brim with 2 bunk beds, both with twin sized bunks up top and full size on the bottom. We also had a trundle bed so at one point we could sleep 8 comfortably in that room alone." "You and Gus sound like very warm and loving parents - to all of your kids." Clarke says and her friend hums in agreement. "Thank you, Clarke." the woman smiles at her. "Now let's get this cleaned up before those two get back. I know they're going to come back with far too much....and not nearly enough of that will be stuff they should be getting. They both like their junk food."

"Awwww, Griff. They're fatties like us! They're the ying to our yang!" Raven cooes and they all three laugh at that. "Can I....would you mind if I keep this picture?" Clarke asks Indra, holding up the picture of the twins in their soccer gear. "You may keep any of these pictures that you like. I learned a long time ago to get doubles of everything."

***

They're running wild along the shore. She watches as they chase after each other, her lover stopping to pick the boy up swinging him around as she hugs him close. Her heart melts as she watches his hand come up and sling his long curly locks out of his face looking over at her and waving. She laughs as they play-fight - snickering as the brunette who holds her heart feigns injury and falls to the sand as the little blonde boy hovers over her with his chest puffed out with pride at having taken down his 'foe'. She sees the slain woman sneak a peak as the boy speaks to an imaginary audience, telling them they are all safe and that he will protect them with his life, and it shocks her when an arm comes up from the sand to grab the boys leg and pull him down for a tickle war on their beach battleground. "Ron ai op, Kayo!" the brunette calls from under him. "Ste yuj! Der ste nou ginteik deyon, strik gona." The boy wiggles his way out of her lover's grasp and runs towards the safety of the blanket she's seated on, throwing his arms around her neck, burying his face in the crook of it. "Mama! Kep ai klin!" "Aw, it's okay, ai nomfa." she hums and rubs his back, "Ai gada yu in, baby boy. Nou fir yu raun." And just like that, the brunette's arms are around both of them, laying them out across the blanket, whirring softly as she places kisses all over them....

***

She wakes up feeling less like she'd been dreaming, and more like she was remembering. She knows she doesn't know Trigedasleng, but in that dream she felt like she understood everything. She feels Lexa's arm tighten its hold around her waist, her sweet sleepy murmurs creeping up from behind, and the blonde feels the pang in her chest when she thinks of what it's going to be like to sleep alone, again.

"What's bothering you, Clarke?" Lexa's voice is so scratchy but it's comforting to her in ways she can't explain. "I don't want to leave...." she whispers into the darkness of the room. She feels a tear roll down her temple and fall to the pillow. "Then don't," her lover rasps into her hair, placing a kiss on the back of her head before nuzzling her. "You are welcome to stay as long as you want." "Don't do that." she says softly. "Don't do what?" "Make me think it's possible........" the blonde answers. "Don't get my hopes up for something-" "Clarke, stay." Lexa soothes her. "I've told you that, already...I don't want you to go either. But I can't force you to stay. I know there are things you need to do-" "I'm afraid that if I leave, the next time I see you....everything will be different. I'm afraid you'll change your mind once I'm gone.." "It's a good thing my mind did not make the decision to love you, then," the brunette whispers. "That distinction goes to my heart." "And what if.....the two aren't always in alignment?" Clarke asks, rolling over to face her bed-mate. "What if your head doesn't agree with what your heart says? What if your head doesn't know how to let your heart lead?" "My head knows that my heart found it's rhythm with you," her lover sings the words to her like gospel. "There is nothing else to know."

***

"Lexa, baby.." her breath catches in her throat as she pants out her plea for more, "Don't stop! God, please don't stop! Oh my God, Lex you feel so good inside me.." She scratches the brunette's scalp with her fingers, kissing her neck and nipping at her jaw. She praises her as much as her breathing allows and, though sometimes her worship is weak with trembling words, her lover understands and appreciates them all. "Beja, Lexa.." she begs, "Don't hold back. Let me feel all of you." As Lexa pulls up to put her palms on the inside of Clarke's knees and pry the girl's legs from away from her waist, she lets her hands run down the blonde's inner thighs, spreading them farther for more room. She rolls her hips forward slowly, sliding in and then back out at a agonizingly slow pace, and the girl beneath her hums and cooes her accolades. When the brunette's hands grip at Clarke's hips, she starts with a harsh

thrust, setting into a quick, hard pounding rhythm that has the blonde's inner walls fluttering around her. "Mmm fuck, Clarke.." she growls as Clarke's fingernails scratch at her abs. "Don't do that or I-I won't be able to stop myself." "Just do it, Lex.." The encouragement drips off her tongue, "I wanna please you. Take me however you want me, baby..." "I wanna try something...hold on..." The brunette leans forward to the nightstand beside her bed and grabs something before settling back between Clarke's legs. It's dark and she can barely make out the shape of the object in Lexa's hand - a paintbrush, from the pack she'd just bought the day she painted her girlfriend's stomach. She watches as her lover positions the head of her cock at her entrance. She feels a deliciously familiar pressure and then Lexa's fingers are dipping to draw some of her slick up to her clit as she rubs. Tiny circles - clockwise and then counter - alternating between a soft tickle and a rough press of her fingertips. She closes her eyes in ecstasy and then the world seems to stop, her body freezes, and her lungs forget how to take a breath. She feels those fingers spreading her lower lips apart and without warning there is a new sensation lightly running along her bundle of nerves. She feels the same feather-light touch moving down, teasing her entrance as the brunette pumps into her slowly. When the gentle ghosting returns to her clit, she opens her eyes and looks down to see Lexa fingers working to expose her sensitive spot as she touches the paintbrush to it. The feeling is too much and the sight of her lover painting a piece of pleasure across her sex makes her shiver. "Fuck, babyyyy..." Clarke whines, watching that cocky smirk rise on Lexa's face. "That feels too good. You-You're gonna make me cum too quick.." And then the strokes across her clit quicken and the brunette is splitting her open again and the angle of Lexa's thrusts changes. The head of her rubbing against just the right spot as the paint brush flicks over Clarke's tiny bud and it's more than she can handle. "Ahhh, Lex, it hurts..'s so fucking good. Oooh mmm-fuck! SHIT FUCK!! Oh my fuckingLEXA stop, wait wait wait!! I'm gonna pee! Lex, sto-Oooooohhfuuuuuuuuucckkkkkkk." The rush of liquid spurting out from her pushes the brunette's dick out as it soaks the covers under them, but she quickly drops the paintbrush onto the bed beside them and pushes back in - feeling the pulse around her as she pumps faster. "Mmmmm, Clarke....GOD!" she growls above the blonde as she thrusts. "I love the way you squeeze me like that...fuck!" "SHIT, baby! fuck!! Lexa!! I ca-I can't breath! FUCK!! Lex-oh my fu-" Clarke cries out. "It's......oooohhhhh mmmmmm FUCK! I'm gonna- LEXAAA! BABYYY!!" The next gush of fluid pours out, again forcing Lexa out of her. She thrusts forward, reclaiming her place and enjoying the feeling as she pounds into the blonde beneath even harder than she has before. "Remember this when you leave," she breathes out, panting and barely able to keep herself steady. "Come back to me, Clarke....I don't care how long it takes, just come back to me." She pulls out only to thrust back in abruptly

causing the blonde to scream and throw her head back exposing her neck as she replies with 'always'. The brunette leans forward as she rolls her hips - hitting a new spot deep inside - and her teeth sink into the skin above Clarke's pulse point. The possesive gesture makes the blonde cant her hips up and clench down on Lexa's cock. Her lover pumps into her one last time before they're both moaning out a string of expletives and the brunette's face finds it's safety in the crook of Clarke's neck. They come down from their high, eyes opening with lazy kisses on lips and jaw bones, and it feels like they could get lost in this moment forever. "I love you so much, Lexa.." Clarke whispers against her lovers collarbone, her eyes welling up with tears she doesn't want to let fall. "I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to you..." "Shhh," the brunette presses a sloppy kiss to her lips, lifting her body up so she can lay beside her. "It's not goodbye, Clarke. It will never be goodbye." "Don't pull out, Heda. Stay with me, like this, for a little while longer." the blonde tells her. "I want this feeling burned into my body's memory."

***

"I can't believe you used my paintbrush...I would never have-" she tells her as she traces her fingers over her lovers mouth. "You're not the only creative one, Clarke." the brunette smiles against her touch. "But I mean, maybe you inspired me." The blonde giggles, "I highly doubt I inspired that...but I'm forever indebted to whomever or whatever did. I've never....done that before. I think I ruined your sheets..." "I can buy new sheets," her lover grins, closing her eyes. "I'd buy stock in sheets as long as I get to do that to you again." "Shut that slick-ass mouth of yours," the blonde blushes. "I'm just glad your parents decided to stay out tonight. I was...a little loud, I think." "I think they knew shit was about to get real and they wanted to be anywhere but here when it did." Clarke giggles as her finger-tips roam over her lover's face. She tries to think of what to say next and is relieved when her girlfriend speaks again, saving her from her own thoughts. "l have a confession," Lexa mutters, "I changed your profile picture on Facebook.....to a picture of us that you had on your phone. I also changed mine to a picture that Raven sent to me; the one from yesterday when you were on my back and we were walking to the cafe. I think it's kinda perfect."

"Am I gonna have to change the code on my phone, you little sneak?" Clarke teases her before kissing her forehead. "I like your little surprises." She lets her fingers run over the brunette's eyelids, over her nose, and then up along her hairline. "Do you want to try to sleep a little more?" her lover asks her. "I'll sleep in the car. I want to be awake with you....breathing you in..." she exhales and the brunette's eyes open to scan her features. "Raven said they'd pick me up here in the morning. Will your parents be back for me to say 'bye' to them?" "Yeah, my dad said they'd be back for breakfast - Mama told Layne to let your crew know that they're invited. She wouldn't let you leave without seeing you off." "She likes me, I think." the blonde boasts. "She and Raven and I had an actual conversation while you and Layne were out shopping. She didn't even flinch when Raven mentioned your brother wanting, like, a billion kids." "She does like you - both of you. She told me yesterday that she thinks Raven is good for Layne and she hopes that since you and her are friends, she'll come back with you sometime." Clarke gasps, "Oh, it's WAYYY beyond that. Rae is over the moon when it comes to him I think they added each other on Facebook and shit before we even did. You'd be hardpressed to try and keep her away when I come to visit!" "How often do you think you'll visit?" Lexa asks, quietly. "I mean, right now I won't be flying out to work anytime soon but....when I do....we can work something out, right? Maybe you could pick me up at the airport and I could stay with you for a bit and then Layne can come get me or something...." "I would love that." the blonde purrs.

***

The morning comes too soon for both of them. Lexa helps Clarke get her things together as Indra makes breakfast for everyone. They all sit and talk - Lexa and Clarke, Lexa's family and the Delinquents - and the thought of leaving seems almost forgotten. Clarke's heart warms as the brunette's hand finds her and tangles their fingers together. She watches as her lover talks to her friends, how they all seem to get along and she can't shake the feeling that this is how it's supposed to be - like this is how it's always been. She thinks about Lexa's admission at the cafe - how she'd told her that she called her mother at the hotel and apologized - and she wonders if she'd ever even heard Finn apologize to her let alone her mother. But she's not surprised, really. Everything about Lexa is different. Lexa is special. The finish their meal and Clarke and her friends help clean up to thank Indra for feeding them. Clarke pokes Lexa to get her attention as they watch Octavia exchange phone numbers with the twins' mother before she and Harper both give her hugs. Anya and Gina are saying their farewells as Bellamy, Jasper, and Lincoln discuss going fishing with

Gus and Layne the next time they all come over. Raven and Layne are laid out on the couch nursing their matching 'food-babies' and waiting for everyone else to be ready to head out. Clarke feels her eyes welling up with tears as she pulls Lexa out the door and up the driveway to Lincoln's jeep so they can have a quiet minute away from the crowd. She doesn't want to cry in front of everyone and she hopes if she gets it out of the way before they all walk outside to load up then she'll be okay. "Hey, look at me," Lexa pulls her chin up to meet her gaze. "It's not goodbye. You hear me? Finish your project at work so you can come back. Focus on what you need to do and I'll hold us down, okay?" The blonde sniffles as she nods in understanding. "Stay safe, okay?" she pushes, willing herself to be strong. "Let yourself heal. Everything's looking so much better but you need to take it easy. I left the antibiotic cream-" "On my nightstand, I know Clarke." the brunette smiles, wiping the wet tracks down her cheeks. "I'm going to be okay. We're going to be okay." "I don't think I can do this, Lexa-" she can't finish her sentence before she breaks down. "I don't know how....to......tell myself to let go of you," she sobs and Lexa wraps her arms around her shoulders, letting Clarke hide her face against her chest as the floodgates open. "It's okay, Clarke. It's just for a little while." the brunette holds her close, face nuzzling into the blondes hair as she comforts her. "I'll come and kidnap you once you've wrapped up the project you're working on. I promise you, mi corazoncito." "Fea," Layne calls from the door of the house, "you guys good?" "Yeah," she replies. "Es tiempo?" "Estan saliendo ahora." "Okay." she tells him. "Hey, babe, everyone's coming out now. You alright? Why don't you sit in the car and I'll just stand beside you, okay? You already hugged my folks right?" "Yeah," Clarke says as she pulls back and wipes her face. "I hugged them both while we were inside. I knew if I waited-" her words die out as she looks up into green orbs and immediately has to avert her eyes. "Fuck, I can't even look at you..." "Here," the brunette says opening the door behind her, "Go ahead and get in. I'll stay right here until it's time." It's not long before the blonde's friends are making their way up the driveway, Lexa's parents standing close to the door watching them go. Layne walks with Raven to Bellamy's Tahoe and gives her a kiss as she gets in and shuts the door, tapping the glass with his fingertips before he walks back to his parents. Lincoln starts the Jeep and Clarke feels her heart stop. Her hands find Lexa's neck and she pulls her in for a kiss that feels like she's trying to anchor herself to the girl. She pulls away only when the need for oxygen makes her feel like she's going to pass out.

"I love you, Lexa." "I love you, too." the brunette breathes out, grabbing the blonde's hands on her face and giving them a gentle squeeze. "Don't be sad. You have my heart, Clarke. Whether you're here or not, I'll always be with you.." "Lex-" Clarke tries, but she's cut off by Lexa moving her legs inside the vehicle and pulling the seat-belt across her frame to buckle it. "Shhhh..." Lexa tells her with a chaste kiss. "Oso na hit choda op nodotaim, niron. Let me know you got home safe, okay?" All words seem to leave the blonde's mind in that moment so she offers a nod as her lover shuts the door and her heart falls. She can't turn and look back as they pull out of the driveway - she's afraid she'll undo her seat-belt and try to barrel out and run back to her. She settles for sending a text to express herself instead. As the Jeep disappears, Lexa feels her phone buzz in her pocket. She grabs it and the message steals all the air from her lungs.

10:05am - Mi corazon y alma: u are my home <3

Notes: 'Ron ai op, Kayo! Ste yuj! Der ste nou ginteik deyon, strik gona." - 'Fight me, Kayo! Stay strong! There'll be no treaty today, little soldier!' 'Mama! Kep ai klin!' - "Mama! Save me!' 'Aw, it's okay, ai nomfa. Ai gada yu in, baby boy. Nou fir yu raun.' - 'Aw, it's okay, my son. I got you, baby boy. Don't be afraid.' 'mi corazoncito' - literal translation, 'my little heart' but it is used as 'my sweetheart' or 'my darling' but also in a way that says the person regards you as they do their own heart. 'Es tiempo?' - 'It's time?' 'Estan saliendo ahora.' - 'They're coming out now' 'Oso na hit choda op nodotaim, niron' - 'We will meet again, lover' 'Mi corazon y alma' - Lexa's name for Clarke in her phone, 'My heart and soul'

Chapter 19: What is Love? Summary: Just an FYI: the word 'dyke' is used in this chapter. It is not, however, used in a derogatory way. I understand some people do not like it being used either way, and for that I apologize.

Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text She cries from the minute she sends the text all the way to I-75 and then halfway home. She isn't sobbing - it's not the kind of 'ugly cry' she'd done while hiding her face in Lexa's shirt - it's more a steady stream of tears falling down her cheeks as she stares out the window with her earbuds in. Octavia and her partners don't bother her. They don't ask questions, or try to cheer her up. For the most part, they don't even really look at her. They can tell she's trying to cope. The most they say is 'Want the aux chord?', but it's really just a formality because they know she doesn't care right now. What she needs is her bed, a bottle of wine, and some old black and white movies to drown her sorrows in.

No, what I need is her. They'd found a shorter route to take home and but, inevitably, had to stop at a 7-Eleven because Bellamy has a bladder the size of a peanut and he can't seem to hold it for the two and a half hour trip. Raven exiles Jasper to Lincoln's jeep and pulls Clarke into the backseat of the Tahoe with her while Gina and Harper raid the store for anything sour. "How you holding up, Griff?" the tone she uses is different from her usual carefree, noholds-barred tone, and the blonde is grateful in some ways. But in others, it only makes the pain worse - makes the heartache that much more real. "It's hurts so fucking bad, Rae-" she cries out, falling forward and feeling like she's going to vomit. Clarke doesn't have to speak anymore, because the girl pulls her into a hug like no other, rubbing her back and whispering consolations against her earbud. She falls asleep laying on her side along the seat with her head in her roommate's lap, but even then the tears still come. Happy tears from dreams filled with images of her time with Lexa and sad tears from thoughts of how long it will be before she gets to hold her hand again. The sex was great - better than what she'd pieced together in her dreams - but it was really just the moments spent lying in bed or on the couch, the moments where they showered together and laughed about getting soap in each other's eyes, the moments where Clarke would catch Lexa just looking at her. It was those moments that she missed the most. It was the big moments like the first time they made love, or the moment they said I love you. Hell, it was the moment Lexa had met her mother and how even her mom had acknowledged the treasure that this girl truly was. But it was all those little moments, too. The last piece of bacon that Lexa left on her plate for the blonde to steal, the glass of water and pain medicine waiting for her after she'd had too much to drink the night before, the times she'd felt Lexa's hands brush her hair out of her face when she thought she was sleeping and didn't know. It was how peaceful and yet totally alight she felt with her - the same way the brunette had described her feelings. Clarke hadn't told her then, but she felt the same way.

It shouldn't hurt this bad, should it? None of it should feel like this. We just met! I felt her for the first time less than a week ago, so how is it possible for me to ache like this for her?? How can my body crave hers after only 6 days?

***

12:20pm - Dr. Griffin: I received the package just in time and everything is in place. I'm sure she will love it. 12:21pm - Lexa: Thank you, Abby. I really appreciate your help. And thank you, also, for not hanging up on me the other morning. I'm glad we had a chance to talk. "Everything's set up, Layno. Don't forget to bring jeans or something, in case we go out." Lexa tells her brother. "Should I bring a nice shirt?" he asks, holding up a pale green and white striped button down. "Like this, though, not like a dress shirt." "Yeah, that's better than a T-shirt or tank. Bring a polo or something, too." she answers.

12:24pm - Dr. Griffin: I am too, Lexa. I have never seen my daughter as happy as she is with you - not since Jake passed. Clarke is lucky to have you. And I may never admit this to her, but I'm glad you stood up for her, like her father would have, even if was against me. How was she this morning? "Fea, we're not gonna look out of place without boots and shit, are we?" he questions with a look of genuine concern on his face. "She said everyone there wears boots and shit. Like cowboy boots.." "We're not wearing boots, Bicho. We don't own boots and we're not buying them just for this trip."

12:26pm - Lexa: She was really upset. She didn't sleep much last night. I wouldn't be surprised if she slept most of the ride home. "Yeah Yeah, you're just worried I'd look better in them than you." he smirks. "Hey, what time are we leaving tomorrow and how long are we staying there? Mom wants to know 'cause her and dad are taking An to the airport tonight and she wants to know if we're riding along.." "I'm going, I don't know about you. The directions I've got for tomorrow say it's under 3 hours...so you said, 4pm right? That means we leave here by 1." Lexa tells him. "And we're staying until Monday. Is that cool?" "Yeah, no biggie. I already called Jeff and he said it's all good. They didn't have any tours lined up Monday, anyway."

12:29pm - Dr. Griffin: The flowers will help lighten her mood, I'm sure. Does she know you're coming here tomorrow? Are you still planning to come to the office? 12:30pm - Lexa: She doesn't have a clue. I thought it might help her get done with her work if she's not distracted thinking about me being there. And yes, I am planning to surprise her there at the office. My brother is driving up with me because he's going to be surprising Raven as well. I should be getting to your department around 5pm. "Layne, does this look okay?" she asks, laying out her clothes on the bed. "You don't think it's too much?" "Naww, she's gonna love it." he laughs. "You seen that girl? She's googly eyes for you anyway, but this?? Twenty bucks says she jumps you as soon as she sees you!" "Shut up! But, You're on, fucker!"

12:33pm - Dr. Griffin: You're probably right about her being distracted. Let me know if you need anything else. Take care of yourself, Lexa. And Thank You for including me in this. I feel like she shuts me out and I don't get to experience things like this with her. I really do just want to see her happy. Let me know when you get here tomorrow. Be safe. "You good, Lex?" Layne asks, noticing how nervous his sister is. "You were all hyped 2 seconds ago and now you're looking like you've got the weight of the world on you..." "What if.....what if this isn't what I think it is Bicho? What if I get there and she's......not as happy to see me as I am to see her?" "Not possible, fuckface. That girl's glow when she's around you could rival the sun. "

12:35pm - Lexa: You're welcome, Abby. And don't worry, just talk to Clarke like you did with me. Be expressive and receptive - tell her what we talked about - and I know she'll let you in. xx "God, I can't wait to see her again, Layne." ***

She thanks every god she can bring to mind when they pull into her and Raven's apartment complex and her friend wakes her up with gentle fingers through her hair. She can't wait to curl up in bed and call Lexa. I miss her voice already, she admits to herself. I miss those sweet peppermint laced words she'd whisper into my ear and against my jaw. She puts in minimal effort to help unload their bags from Bel's vehicle. Octavia helps Raven carry her bags and when they reach the apartment, Clarke slumps against the wall waiting for her roommate to unlock the door so she can retreat

to her cave, bury herself in a nest of blankets, and pray to wake-up back at the beach. The door opens and there's a rush of cold air and then a gasp from Raven. "CLARKE!" the girl yells as she grabs the blonde's shoulder, pulling her over and turning her around to peak inside. There is the most beautiful bouquet of sunflowers, her favorite flower, sitting atop the kitchen counter. She freezes when she sees it and her roommate has to push her through the threshold and over to the counter. Her eyes are already watering because she knows it's from Lexa. She doesn't know how the girl did it, but she just knows it's from her. There's a folded hoodie on the counter and an envelope with her name written on it. The first thing she's ever written to me, the blonde thinks. The first of her 'hand written letters'. She almost doesn't want to open it; she's too afraid she'll rip it with her unsteady hands and her anxious rush. Octavia breaks the seal carefully, instead, and hands it back to her allowing her to pull the paper out and soak in her lover's words.

Clarke, From the first time I saw your face, I knew there would never be anything more divine to my eyes that the light that is your smile. Your voice is the soundtrack to some of my most favorite moments in this life so far and I cannot believe how lucky I am to be able to hear each and every way you say my name. I used to think that there was nothing else in this world that could compare to the ocean, for me. But you eyes seem to have the power to break me apart, drown out my worries, and mend me, again. You are both the exhilaration and the tranquility that I feel like I've searched the world for, and the fear I once felt about getting close to you, is replaced, now, with the fear of having to watch you go. As I'm writing this, you are asleep in my bed - blissfully unaware of the intense struggle it was to pull myself away from you. I will miss you when you leave, but I know with everything I have inside of me that one day this will all be so very worth it. I know that we can do this and that someday, we won't have to be apart. Until then, may we meet again. Be careful with my heart <3 I love you more than these words can express... -Lexa p.s. There's hoodie of mine that I thought you might like to have. You can wear it whenever you're feeling lonely or your bed is just too cold. Let your imagination paint me there with you ;)

"What does it say, Griffin?!" Raven demands. "I-Just read it, Rae..." she squeals reaching out to grab the folded garment. It smells just like her, she thinks. Like coconut and citrus mixed with the salty air of the beach. Fuck, I miss her. "Jeez, Clarkey," Octavia sighs, reading over their friend's shoulder, "This is some romantic shit." "Right?!" Raven agrees. "SappyStud! is too much!"

"How did she do this, even?" Octavia asks. "I mean, how did the flowers get in your apartment and-" "My mother," Clarke surmises, "It had to be my mother. She's the only other person besides me and Raven that has a key." "Oh shit!" Raven gasps, "Your girlfriend is a total 'Snake Charmer' and bansuri'd the fuck out of your mom. God, she needs to teach me!" She can't stop smiling. The fact that Lexa had taken the time to set this up has her swooning. Fuck, I love her, the girl thinks. How is she even real? Almost every day they'd spent In Lexa's hometown had felt like a walk through fantasy-land and the very instant that Jeep door had closed on her - leaving her alone in her thoughts - she realized just how crazy the whole thing had been, and how reality was about to bitchslap her into next year. But now, oh now, she's grinning so big her cheeks are hurting and she has to text her girlfriend and let her know exactly how much she appreciates being in her thoughts.

12:50pm - Mi corizon y alma: u are so fucking amazing, lexa <3 the flowers are gorgeous, ur letter had me speechless, and ur sweat-shirt smells so much like u that it makes my body tingle. i don't want to know how u got my mother to do it, just know that i love u so much, baby. 12:52pm - DreamComeTrue: I'm glad to hear you made it back safe and I'm hoping you have a smile on our face, right now. Call me when you get settled in.

***

By the time night falls, she's wiped. She probably would feel better about saying it's from physical exertion but she decides to just give in to the emotional turmoil and let herself embrace the feels. She and Lexa had spoken briefly before her mother called and invited her and Raven to dinner. Clarke was going to decline, but Raven told her they'd be idiots to pass up free food, and so the decision was taken out of her hands. The entire dinner was spent laughing and talking about Clarke's incessant doodling on the walls of their old family home back in DC and how Abby had tried to get her to use the over-sized sketch pads they'd bought her. Upon realizing that Clarke just preferred to live among her art, Jake had invested in several gallons worth of paint for her room, and they just let her do her thing until she ran out of space and then they'd paint over it so she could start fresh. Clarke smiled listening to her mother talk about how many Saturdays were spent repainting her walls and how she and her dad had spent hours talking about the works they were covering up in the hopes of never forgetting they existed there. The only thing that could have made the dinner better? Lexa. The answer is simple for her. Come to think of it, Lexa is the answer to a number of things the blonde had questioned over the years.

Which is why laying here, with her phone melted to her ear - listening to her lover describe everything she's seeing on the Interstate tonight, how the street lights make her want to listen to certain music and feel like she's in a really big city somewhere going on a taxi cab adventure - is the only place she wants to be, right now. Because if this is all she can have of Lexa for the time being, the sound of her words like a painting spread out against a background of Ed Sheeran's 'Tenerife Sea' and an othewise surprisingly quiet car, then that's what she wants. "Are you falling asleep, nena?" her lover's voice caresses her senses over the phone. "Do you need me to let you go?" "I might be....." she answers, "but I'd rather you stay and talk to me some more. I just....I just miss you is all." "I miss you too, Clarke." "Read me poetry.." she hums, hoping it doesn't sound nearly as whiny to the brunette as it just did in her own mind. "I mean, do you remember any by heart?" "I remember excerpts from a few, if that's okay.." Lexa replies. "Shall I?" "Please do.." is the blonde's request and so the brunette begins. "Te amo sin reflexionar, inconscientemente - irresponsablemente, espontáneamente," the girl recites, "Involuntariamente, por instinto - por impulso, irracionalmente." "More, Lex........please." "En efecto no tengo argumentos lógicos, ni siquiera improvisados para fundamentar este amor que siento por ti, que surgió misteriosamente de la nada, que no ha resuelto mágicamente nada, y que milagrosamente, de a poco, con poco y nada," she pauses to breath before continuing in the most shaky voice that Clarke has ever heard from her, "ha mejorado lo peor de mí." "Lex.....you still there?" Clarke asks her softly after silence takes over the line. "I'm still here." her lover answers. "It just.....it's a beautiful poem." "Tell me what it means, baby. I want to feel it the way that you do.." "It means.....I love you.....without thinking, unconsciously - irresponsibly, spontaneously - involuntarily, instinctively - by impulse, irrationally." the brunette goes quiet for moment. "And then...? Is there more?" "Yes......In fact, I have no logical arguments, even improvised, to substantiate this love that I feel for you - that mysteriously appeared from nowhere, that has not magically resolved anything, and yet miraculously, slowly, with little or nothing, has improved the worst of me.." "I love the way you make me fall in love with poetry." Clarke encourages her. "If I had to read it on a page, I would probably tune it out but.......you make it something I can feel

and....imagine in human form. Like you are poetry for me. I love how your heart pours out when you read it like that or....recite it, I guess is the word." "Promise me you'll show me your art someday." Lexa tells her.. "I admit, I don't know a lot about painting or...shading or...any of that. But, I know you could make me love it as well.." "I can't wait to show you. I can't wait to see you again, Lexa." she tries to keep herself from choking up. "I miss you so fucking much. I don't even know how it's possible to miss you like this.." "Yo se, nena. Yo tambien te extraño mucho. Tanto que me duele físicamente." her lover offers - part comfort, part sharing of pain. "But I will see you soon, I promise." "I really hope so..."

***

The next day....

Who the fuck comes back to work on a Friday? she thinks. I mean, yes, I had week or so off, technically, but…..really? 1 more day – 3 if you count the weekend - was just too much? She rolls her eyes, sitting at the desk in a back office of her mother's Surgical Department, trying to focus on the task at hand. She tries not to let herself think of the few extra days she could have spent there - back at the beach, nestled into Lexa's chest - because allowing those thoughts to seep in would mean feeling resentment towards her mother. And they were finally getting back to a nice place. She's thankful for the distraction her mother's assistant, Niylah, provides when she barges in every once and while to offer coffee or a small chat before scooting back down the hall towards the senior Griffin's door. Once upon a time, Clarke had liked Niylah and the older blonde had certainly shared in those sentiments. They had shared a few heated stares and more than a few inappropriate touches but there were never kisses and it was never anything under their clothes. Clarke was half worried that her mother's little worker-bee would try something again, and now that she was with Lexa, she wouldn't know how to shut her down. Even when she and Lex had started texting and carrying on phone conversations, she and Niylah had still flirted. It was harmless she felt, being sure at the time that things with her cellular-crush would never turn into anything of serious proportions, and if anything it only gave her somewhere to throw her pent up sexual frustrations though nothing had ever really 'happened'. She had let it continue up until she'd received Lexa's picture, her in the hospital with her arm in the sling. And that night when they spoke on the phone and Clarke had told her she missed her for the first time and Lexa reciprocated, that was the moment Clarke decided that there had to be at least the possibility of something between them. She hadn't seen Niylah since then - it wasn't all that long ago, really - but so far there'd been no awkward exchanges between the two.

Before she knows it, her day is almost over and she's lost in her thoughts when her phone buzzes and she looks at it quickly to see it's a picture message from Lexa. 03:32pm - DreamComeTrue: [img15.jpeg] 03:32pm - DreamComeTrue: Mira ma, sin manos ;) The picture of her girlfriend hanging upside down by her legs from a tree branch, while it is insanely cute, irks her a bit. She's sure she told the girl to be safe and to let herself heal. There was no tree-climbing mentioned in her directive. 03:34pm - Mi corazon y alma: listen here tarzan, i told u to behave urself and be safe. ur going to end up breaking ur other arm if ur not careful, asshole. 03:35pm - DreamComeTrue: Is that your way of saying you love me, Jane? 03:35pm - Mi corazon y alma: do not try to smooth-talk ur way out of this, mr. ur supposed to be healing. yes, we broke the rules while i was there but....i can't do anything about that. and that's even more reason for u to take it easy now. so quit showing off for me ;) 03:36pm - DreamComeTrue: Don't pretend you're not imagining me in a loincloth right now ;) 03:36pm - Mi corazon y alma: fuck u 03:37pm - DreamComeTrue: Y tu tambien ;) How's your day been? 03:38pm - Mi corazon y alma: i actually got a lot done, despite a few distractions. full disclosure, my mom's assistant/secretary/'handy-dandy dyke' niylah kinda flirts with me. in the form of coffee and post-it note messages from my mother, of course. 03:39pm - DreamComeTrue: Ah. Well I just need to swoop in and show her, then, huh? ;) 03:40pm - Mi corazon y alma: u should, heda. come show her who's boss! >.< fuck, i like that thought a little too much. 03:41pm - DreamComeTrue: And can I take you to dinner after? As long as there's not too much bloodshed, of course. 03:42pm - Mi corazon y alma: i'd happily accompany you to dinner either way. who needs a knight in shining armor when i can have my girlfriend covered in the blood of her enemies?! <3 03:42pm - DreamComeTrue: It's a date then! I'll be the one wearing the bow-tie. 03:44pm - Mi corazon y alma: shut up,u taco-tease! :P what have u been up to today? hows ur arm? and ur legs? did u put the cream on like I told u??

03:45pm - DreamComeTrue: Yes, vieja, I put the damn cream on ;) I feel fine, honestly. Little to no pain at all most of the time. Or maybe I just have a high pain tolerance. I've been helping mom, doing laundry, trying to keep myself busy. 03:45pm - Mi corazon y alma: u miss me. just say it. :) 03:46pm - DreamComeTrue: I miss you, babe.

***

"FEA! Look at the fucking directions and tell me where the fuck we're going!" Layne yells as she sends the last text. "It's not going to kill her to wait like...10 minutes." "Hei, chil yu daun, joka. I'm looking." she assures him, looking at the directions and her phone's GPS. "Archer. We need to look for Archer." "Donde esta Archer?!" "Right-Ooooh..." Lexa winces, "It was...right there. We just passed it." "Pinche madre!! I'm turning around. The tires can handle it." "BICHO! DO NOT ABUSE JAZWAY!!" the brunette screams. "And don't get us pulled over for reckless driving either! They're gonna think you're drunk! Just go a little further andFUCK GO HERE! GET OFF HERE!!" "Is there a road-" Layne starts before his sister interrupts. "Go here! Take it back this way and it goes onto Archer..........I think.." "YOU THINK?!" he huffs. "You are the worst navigator ever. Thank God we're not on the water or we'd be lost at sea, I swear."

20 minutes later, and only about 10 minutes behind schedule, they pull into the apartment complex and Layne gets them to a parking spot close to the girls' place. He points the apartment out and Lexa helps him prepare. Up until now, she hadn't realized how much of a romantic he was. He'd always been the one to hit and quit - get in and get out so to speak. She was pretty positive he'd only had maybe 3 girlfriends and all of them lasted a combined total of 2 months. It was better than her relationship resume, though. Still, this was new and something she was actually really excited to see from him. He'd spent an hour or two talking it out with her - 'Raven's obsessed with the 80's, Raven loves pizza, Raven likes when I wear this' - and he had it all planned out. They'd stopped at the Pizza Hut and got the pizza special

made - pan crust in the shape of a heart with pepperoni, bell peppers, jalapenos, and banana peppers - and it was piping hot and ready to eat. He climbs up on the hood of the Jeep and sits on the roof, boombox on his shoulder and pizza in his lap as he presses play and the sounds of Bruce Springsteen's "I'm on Fire" almost bursts his ear drum. It takes less than a minute before the window opens and Raven leans out with the widest smile on her face. "GORDI!!!!", she screams, never giving him the chance to reply before she slams the window shut and is out the apartment door in 10 seconds flat, running down the steps. She doesn't waste any time letting him get his footing after jumping down off the vehicle before she tackles him, boombox and all. "OH MY GOD!" she squeals, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" "Surprising you, what does it look like?" Layne says with a grin. "You said you wanted pizza last night, so I brought you some, Chicharra." She lets go of him long enough for him to open the pizza box and give her a peak. "Aww, Gordi! Ay, mi corazon! No puedo!" she cooes as her eyes start to water. Her eyebrows shoot up in an instant, "Wait! Does Clarke know you're here??" "No," Lexa says, stepping foward. "I was going to surprise her next. But, do you mind if we set our stuff down inside and I change first?" "No, no, come on! Let's go inside. Oh my God, she's gonna be so excited!" she leads the way, turning around to slap Layne's shoulder. "But really, fuck you guys! Tryna make me all soft and shit. And if you tell her I teared up I swear to God I'll set fire to everything you love!"

***

04:52pm - Lexa: Hi Abby, we just got here. I'm on my into the building now. 04:55pm - Dr. Griffin: She's in the office in the back. I'll have her paged to the department lobby. I'll meet her halfway. 04:56pm - Lexa: Sounds great. Thank you again, Abby.

Okay, Stay calm. Lexa readies herself. Flowers? Check. Outfit? Check. Breath? Check. Alright, just wait for your girl, Woods. Patience is virtue. It takes as long as it takes.

***

"Clarke Griffin, please come to the lobby. Clarke Griffin, to the lobby, please."

What the? she thinks. Of course. They would page me for something as soon as I'm getting ready to fucking leave. UGH. Fuck my life! This day just will not end! She grabs her bag and closes the door behind her as her mom meets her in the hallway. "Hey sweetie, can we have dinner tomorrow? I know you usually go out on Saturday nights but I thought maybe we could have a nice dinner in - family night. Me, you, and Raven?" "Yeah," the blonde smiles, "I think that sounds great. Can we do spaghetti?" "Of course. And a big salad, you need green-" "So you keep telling me." the blonde shrugs and smirks. Her mom's department makes it a habit of playing oldies. There's a few current hits sprinkled in but its mostly very 70's, 80's, and 90's with a touch of early 2000's. Clarke doesn't hate it, but she is thankful she gets to have her own music in the tiny office she uses. The hallway is mostly empty by now - just a few surgeons collecting their things to leave for the weekend mixed with one or two patients moving to the lobby. As they round the corner into the waiting area, the song changes - one she actually really likes, Point: Griffin - and she looks up at the first two snaps of the drum and trumpets from 'I'll Take You There' by The Staple Singers and....UNFF! Standing in the middle of the lobby - in tight gray slacks, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, a black bow-tie and black suspenders, accompanied by a pair of ridiculously sexy black and white wingtips - is the finest human being she's sure has ever walked the face of this planet. She has a small bouquet of sunflowers in her hand and a cocky grin on her face and the only thing Clarke can muster as her eyes well up with tears and her knees go weak is 'Lexa...' "Hey pretty girl." the brunette says softly, and yet still so goddamn confident. And much like the first time they met, it takes Clarke what feels like a small eternity to realize that this is really happening before she drops everything and runs to Lexa, leaping into her arms. She doesn't care that there are people there or that her mother is watching or that this is her workplace. She forgets that Lexa is only a week post 'MVC' (vehicle vs pedestrian, rather) and that even in her dapper duds she's still donning her black cast. She forgets the text conversation about behaving and completely lets go of the dinner plans with her mother because everything in her body is screaming 'Lexa, Lexa, Lexa!" "I can't believe you're here!! Oh my God!! I've missed you so fucking much, Lex.." she sniffles against Lexa's neck. She pulls back only to look at her before crashing their lips together. She hears several whistles throughout the room - a few from patients waiting for paperwork, no doubt - as their lips pair up for a dance. It's passionate but not sexual in the least. It's the 'GOD, I needed this' kind of kiss, and Clarke feels like her girlfriend's lips could literally stop time. When they finally separate and the brunette lets her down, she grabs her bouquet and swats Lexa's nose with it as she wipes her own eyes. "You just had to prove a point, huh, Charming?"

"Hell yes! I came to fight for my lady's affections!" her lover chirps. "I was also promised a date, afterwards, and I'd like to cash in.." "And you two should enjoy your date," her mother steps up. "Lexa, please keep my daughter out of trouble tonight. We have family dinner plans tomorrow. All of us. Tell your brother I'm looking forward to speaking with him again about his fishing tours." "You knew?!" the blonde gapes at her mother. She cocks her head back to Lexa and says, "I don't like that you two have become such good friends. I feel like you're plotting against me." "If anything, we're plotting in your favor." the brunette counters, turning the elder Griffin. "I'll let Layne know you're interested in setting something up. We'll see you tomorrow, Abby." "Bye girls." she offers as she turns to walk back down the hall to her office before swirling back around to face them. "Clarke, don't forget your bag, sweetie." "Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Wait, Layne is here too??" Clarke gasps having finally caught up to the moment. "Oh my-DID HE?!?" "Yes," Lexa laughs. "He surprised her with Springsteen and a heart-shaped pizza. So, of course she was a goner. But don't tell her I told you. I'm honestly afraid for both of our safety." "Oh shit, what song?" "'I'm on Fire', which is quite funny for reasons I can't explain, but.." her lover states, nodding when the blonde puts her hand over her mouth in shock. "Yeah, he went all out." "Her poor heart! My lips are sealed though," Clarke giggles. "Where are they now?" "Probably seconds away from getting freaky in my Jeep so we better hurry and get out there because I just had the upholstery cleaned and...just, eww! No!" the brunette tells her, walking over to where Clarke had dropped her bag. "Let me just get this and we'll be on our way." "And they say chivalry is dead.." "Yeah, remember that when I'm making you cum tonight," her lover whispers with a kiss to her ear, earning a light slap on the chest as they walk from the lobby to the exit.

***

"Ok, well, I met Raven freshmen year at UF - in Chem," Clarke says, taking a sip of her wine, "and I knew it was meant to be because she blew up our lab and singed half of her left eyebrow off on the first day. Thankfully the eyebrow grew back, of course. But hey, either way, I haven't stopped laughing at her since."

"Whatever Griffin," Raven scoffs from across the table, "it was not that bad. Anyways, I was the one who turned this one into Party-Girl Griffin. When I met her, she was this virginal little cupcake - pura dulzura - and I admit, at first, I was nursing a serious sweet tooth," the girl cackles. "Say what?!" Lexa's eyebrows quirk and her brother's face mirrors hers. "You and Clarke?" "NO!" the blonde corrects. "She tried.." "Crashed and burned!" Raven states with finality. "Not a shred of dignity left. Barely walked away with my life." "Oh come on, Rae!" Clarke sips again, trying not to laugh. She turns to Lexa to explain. "But seriously, it was entertaining. She got me drunk - shitfaced, actually - and she was equally as obliterated. So we get back to my place and we're laying on the bed, enjoying a nice drunk chat. Her whole lower body is practically hanging off the foot of the bed, and she rolls over and positions herself over my legs. She starts crawling up slowly, not taking into account that I'm laying all diagonal and shit and the space between me and the edge of the bed is getting smaller and smaller. So, just as her hands are on either side of my shoulders, she goes to move on once more and her left hand runs out of bed and she loses her balance and falls over the side of the bed and slams her head into the nightstand. She was bleeding everywhere - you know the alcohol makes you bleed like a stuck pig - and we find ourselves spending some quality time in the ER." "Laugh it up, Clarkey." her roommate smirks. "See who gets smothered in their sleep tonight." "I think her ego was just as bruised as her face and she just decided it wasn't worth trying again." the blonde chuckles, blowing kisses at her friend. "I love you, RaeRae, but it's a funny fucking story." "So, where do Octavia and her bunch come in?" Layne asks. "And that guy Bellamy what's his story?" "I went to high school with O when I first moved here." Clarke tells him. "We both got into UF and we decided to get a place together off campus. She was seeing this guy.....Atom...? Right Rae? It was actually O who ended up having to come take us to the ER that night and bring us back home. We all three piled up on O's king-size after we got back. I swear that was the beginning of her poly lifestyle, right there. Eventually she dumped Atom and met Lincoln. Shortly after which she met Harper. Thus, O&Co was born. As for Bellamy........yeah, well, Bel's just O's big brother so I've known him forever it feels like. And Gina, Bel's girlfriend, roomed with Anya at Florida State, as you probably already know. That's how we ended up in Bradenton.." "Small world, huh?" Lexa elbows her gently. "Eww, stop being cute," Raven grunts. "We haven't even had dessert yet." "How'd you two ending up rooming together?" Layne asks. "Well you see, what had happened was, Clarke decided to Houdini herself out of her relationship," the darker-haired brunette states, "and I was living by myself at the time..with the extra room....so it just worked out."

"Houdini herself out of her relationship?" Lexa prods. "Finn?" "Yeah." Clarke's answer seems clipped, but then she continues. "I came to Raven's the night I left him..." "Him and all your shit," her roommate jests. "It was like a divorce - only without the legal shit. Clarke made it far too easy on his punk-ass. O had moved in with Lincoln when Finn sorta weaseled his way into Griffin's bed and basically everything else. When Clarke finally came to her senses and left, she showed up at my place with nothing - not a goddamn thing to her name - demanding that I provide her with enough alcohol-based lubrication that she wouldn't care how badly she was fucking herself." "Raven!" the blonde hushes her and she cackles, "Could you not? Jeez, at least wait until we get home for that kinda talk..." "Shit Clarke, you're right." the girl concedes, regaining control. "It was wrong of me to say 'lubrication' at the dinner table. I blame the wine..must be a bad year." It's at this point in the evening that Clarke and Raven both learn the meaning of the saying 'Don't speak ill of the dead, lest they come back to haunt you'. From across the restaurant they both hear the voice and freeze. "Clarke?" the floppy haired boy approaches their table with his eyes fixed on the blonde. Clarke is frozen, as is her best friend who mouths an awkwardly audible 'fuck me sideways', but she manages to look up at him once he reaches them. "Hello there, Princess. D'ya miss me?" Layne sees Lexa's eyes-brows arch and her jaw shift. The blonde beside her is noticeably uncomfortable, a blush painting her face, knowing that the brunette must be surprised to hear the nickname coming from him. "Finntacles!" Raven interjects. "Look at you! I see nothing much has changed. You're still ugly as sin." "Raven," he smiles at the girl, trying to hide his annoyance, "Nice to see you again. How's.....actually, who's the flavor of the week, this week?" She's about to say something slick back but her companion rises from his seat, as does Lexa who waits as her brother reaches his hand out in introduction. He stands a good 8 inches taller than Finn, measuring about 6'4'', and is much more muscular. Clarke can see the intimidation on Finn's face at the sudden way he'd stood up to greet him. "Hi I'm Layne. And you are?" "Finn. I don't think we've met before." the boy answers, giving the taller one's hand a tentative shake. "You from around here?" "No, Bradenton Beach area." the male twin offers, gesturing to his sister. "We're visiting for the weekend - my sister and I." Finn's attention focuses on Lexa now, sizing her up until his eyes meet Clarke's hand which has wrapped itself around the back of her lover's knee. Lexa holds her left hand out and fixes him with a biting grin, "Lexa. It's...nice to meet you, Finn."

"Same." he says, having to switch hands to shake hers. "So how do y'all know each other?" Lexa keeps quiet which forces Layne to answer as they both take their seats again. "Lex and I met these two while they were on vacation in Bradenton. We ended up showing them around a bit - hit it off so well that we decided they should return the favor and show us around here." "Ahh," the other boy nods, looking down at Clarke's fingers intertwined with Lexa's. His eyes flash to the black cast on Lexa's right arm. "Must put a damper on your...extracurricular activities. What happened?" "Hit by a car," the brunette smirks, causing a nervous chuckle from Finn who obviously thinks she's joking. "But it hasn't hindered me in my pursuit of life's greater pleasures." "And I see some of us have a taste for the same pleasures." He's staring at Clarke as he says it, not noticing the warning look on Layne's face as he continues. "It's been a while, but I still remember the flav-" He doesn't get a chance to finish before Lexa stands and cuts him off, swirling the wine in her glass as she speaks. "You don't know me, so I'm going to do you the favor of giving you a warning. Fancy restaurant or not, if I hear you speak about her again like that," she says cooly, masking her aggression, "I'll rip your vocal chords out, shove them back down your throat, and make you choke on them so that if the blood-loss alone doesn't kill you, the lack of oxygen will. And I swear, if you feel brave enough to even think about trying me, may you give your useless soul to whatever deity it is that you believe in because the rest of you will be unrecognizable, even to them, when I'm done with you. Need I make myself more clear to you?" Clarke can't take her eyes off of her. The brunette's tone is calm, but her words and her stance are so Alpha - so threatening and dominant, protective and....possessive even. It is perhaps the most entrancing side of Lexa that she's seen yet. Finn doesn't try to comment because Lexa dismisses him with a hand in the air and a simple, 'I think we're done here.' She only sits down once he turns and walks away, not even attempting to make eye contact with the blonde before he goes. Lexa's hand reaches for Clarke's and for the first time since the exchange began, Clarke realizes she hadn't uttered a single word to Finn. She giggles internally, thinking about how quickly the twins both stood to introduce and assert themselves and she feels a warmth at how quietly and still effectively Lexa had shut Finn down. She's sooooo fucking hot like that, the blonde thinks. She leans into her lover, lips grazing her ear as she whispers, "God, I fucking love you." And that cock-sure upturn of brunette's lips is almost as addictive as the tone she uses when she says 'Yo te amo tambien. Y no voy a compartirte con nadie.' The blonde doesn't know what it means, but the intensity in Lexa's green eyes has her so drunk she doesn't even care.

***

"What happened between you and Finn?" Lexa asks from her place on the bed as she watches Clarke remove her shirt and grab a tank top. "What are you talking about?" Clarke asks, freezing in place, meeting Lexa's gaze in the mirror in front of her. "I picked up on something....a vibe between you and him. What happened? Why did you leave him? And apparently all of your belongings." the brunette inquires further. "I told you. He was....not right for me." the blonde replies. "I should have left him way before that.." "Why did you stay?" her lover pushes. "If you knew he was cheating and....you didn't love him...why didn't you leave?" "We've talked about this. I did what I did because I was comfortable with him. I-I don't have to explain shit to you." Lexa takes notice of Clarke's defensive tone and gets up from the bed to walk over and put her arms around the blonde. Her left hand falls on the blonde's stomach and Clarke quickly removes it. "Don't," Clarke tells her. "Don't what?" Lexa questions, raising her hands in the air in concern. "Did I hurt you?" "No just...I don't like to be touched there." "I'm sorry. I-I touched you there before, I didn't kn-" the brunette tries. "Well that's not now, okay? Just....please don't." "Okay." Lexa doesn't question it further, but the quiet that follows and the way the girl's eyes seem to pick her apart in the mirror makes Clarke feel like she has to explain. "I'm sorry I just.......I get self-conscious, ya know?" she offers, hoping it's enough. "You don't need to feel that way around me, Clarke. You shouldn't be scared or ashamed around me.." She should take comfort in those words but instead she takes offense. Because how could this girl say that? Does she think I'm stupid? Does she think I haven't seen the girls she hangs out with? "Have you seen the girls you surround yourself with? They're so fit and tan. And I'm so...not! God, compared to them I'm just so pale and pudgy and....I try to work out but my stomach will never be flat like that and-" "So, why does it have to be flat?" Lexa fights back, suddenly. "Flat doesn't last forever, Clarke. I'm not flat-"

"Lexa, you have abs! I have a pooch, there's a big fucking difference!" "There is no difference to me!" the brunette raises her voice, "I love your body! And I hate that you won't let me love it....love you.....the way I want to!" "What are you even talking about??!" Clarke shouts back at her. "I gave myself to you on the first fucking night that we met! I....Fuck, I've let you have me any way you wanted-" "This is not about sex, Clarke!" "What the fuck do you want from me, Lexa?!" the blonde yells. "Jesus!" "I want to know why it affects you like this! I think I deserve to know why my girlfriend feels uncomfortable in front of me-" "BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME WITH GIRLS THAT LOOK LIKE THAT! BECAUSE HE TOLD ME NOONE ELSE WOULD WANT ME AND I BELIEVED HIM!!" It's out of her mouth before she can blink and try as she might, she can't take it back. There's no way to swallow those words back down and pretend they never existed outside the safety of her own subconscious. "That's why I stayed with him, okay?! That's why I kept going back to him! Because he was fucking comfortable and because I still fucking believed him! He fucked all of them, in front of my face practically..a constant reminder that they were better than me..." "Clarke..." "And I don't want you to do it, too." the blonde finally gives in. "Not because he did it first and I can't handle it happening again, but because it's YOU. Because it would fucking kill me if you did it, Lex. I'm so scared you're gonna wake up one day and realize that you can have better-" It startles her when Lexa closes the distance between them, grabbing her face and slamming their lips together. Her kiss feels greedy - her tongue plunges into the blonde's mouth like she's starving and searching for something to live off of. She bites at Clarke's lip and there's a growl emanating from the back of her throat. When the brunette pulls back, resting her forehead against Clarke's, her breath is coming in heavy pants and her hands find the back of the blonde's neck. "You're mine, Clarke." her voice is so thick with emotion, so weighted down by something she's fighting to keep in check. "I loved you before I ever even saw you. My heart wanted you before my eyes had a chance to catch up. Listen to me, you are mine just as I am yours. And if you woke up tomorrow and you never wanted to have sex again, then I too would be abstinent. Because it's only you. It's only you for me, Clarke. I don't want it with anyone else. Any of it. Any of this! Eres mi media naranja - my perfect half - and the best thing I could ever have and hold and call my own. There is no better for me!" She presses kisses to the blonde's nose, to her cheekbones, her chin, and then back to her lips. "I love you, Clarke. I feel like I'm splitting myself wide open for you, showing you the best and the worst of me and expecting you to love me through all of it. And it's scary as fuck because I've never felt this way but the only thing I ask is for you to be just as open to me. I don't care about someone else's idea of perfect. I don't give a fuck about Finn or anyone else. I want OUR perfect - yours and mine. I want all of you, Clarke. That's the only thing I'll take. I want your good days and your bad days - I want that ardent kind of affection that I know you're capable of because I felt it back in

Bradenton. And I refuse to accept less. I won't settle for 'half-hearted' or 'love light'. Don't you dare hold yourself back from me! I didn't come this far for that. WE didn't come this far for that!" "I'm sorry," Clarke lets out a shaky breath. "I love you too, Lex. I do. I'm sorry, I don't wanna fight with you..." "I'm not him, Clarke." Lexa hides her face in Clarke's neck. "I'm trying to love you the only way I know how..." "I know, baby, I'm sorry." the blonde mumbles into her lover's hair. "I shouldn't have compared you. I'm so sorry, Lexa. I'm so sorry I was weak.." "It's okay," her lover tells her, lips ghosting over the skin of her trap muscle. "I can be strong for you, Clarke. You just...have to trust me. Trust that I won't let you get hurt.." "I know you're strong, Lex." she tells her in return. "And I do trust you. I-" A knock a the door and Raven's voice booming from just outside it brings them back to their surroundings. "HEY! Lovebirds! It's movie time! Quit arguing, make up, and get your asses out here!" "Come on," Clarke encourages, "Let's just go watch the movie. Please. We can have our first movie night together." "Okay." the brunettes says placing a soft kiss to Clarke's neck. She takes a deep breath to calm herself before she lifts her head up. "Let's go." Clarke steps away from the girl, slipping on her tank top before she grabs her lover's hand. She moves towards the door, stopping just short of pulling it open. "Lex?" "Yeah..?" "I'm sorry we argued..." she tells her, removing her hand from the doorknob to rub Lexa's arm. "I really am glad that you're here." "Seintaim, nena."

***

Midway through the movie, Layne gets up to go pee. It takes him all of three minutes to do his business and wash his hands, but at least 6 times during those 3 minutes, Clarke is sure she can hear her best friend audibly sigh and 2 of those sighs she's positive turned into a whimper. When he finally makes his way back into the room, Raven stops him before he can lay back down on their half of the L-shaped couch with her. "Gordiiii!" the dark-haired girl whines. "Tengo frio."

"Quieres una manta?" he asks softly and Clarke thinks the way he speaks to her friend is just about the cutest thing she's ever heard - right after Lexa's sleepy mumbles of 'quiero cuddles' first thing in the morning. "Por favor. Podemos compartir." she tells him as he grabs them a blanket to share, and then gets comfortable, again. "Besitos, papi." Clarke watches as Layne treats her roommate to several sweet kisses before they both turn their attention to the movie. Clarke is positioned in the corner of the L, sitting up against the back of the couch with Lexa half sitting, half laying between her legs. Her head is against the blonde's chest and Clarke's arms are wrapped around her neck. She has one knee bent, parallel against the back of the couch, and brunettes arm is curled around it with a hand at the bottom, cupping the place where her thigh and her ass meet. For the most part, Lexa shows no sign of being scared. She doesn't scream or jump or gasp. But every now and then, Clarke can feel her lover's hand gently squeeze and then release. In those moments, the blonde moves her own hands over Lexa chest just over her heart - to feel her heart beat pick up and then slow itself again. She looks over to her roommate whose her hands are in the male twin's hair massaging his scalp as he lays, belly down, between her legs, now. It's the first time she's seen Raven like this with someone - the first time she's seen her do anything other than work her way to the bedroom. Clarke grabs her phone and take's a picture, capturing the moment for her friend and tagging it on Instagram - @zerogreyes @elwuskripa #toocute #cantstandtherayne. She'll love me tomorrow, she thinks. "Take a picture with me, babe." she whispers to Lexa, who nods and smiles, waiting for the *snap* of the camera. Clarke puts the phone in front of the brunette to show her the final product. "What do you think?" "Perfect." the girl whispers back to her. "Tag me..?" "Duh." She's already working on the tag when her lover tells her she wants to take another for her own account. She quickly finishes up, tagging their pic with @cowafknbunga #firstmovienitewitbae #mytarzan #myheart. She rubs her girlfriend's shoulder, telling her, 'How do you want me?' to which the brunette responds 'Wet and wild.' They both laugh loud enough to interrupt the movie and Lexa's thumb accidentally hits the shutter button, capturing the exact moment of both girls with huge smiles and eyes squinting. Their cohorts on the other side of the couch are both staring at them, suspicious of the sudden giggle fit, but they say nothing and go back to their cuddle time. When Lexa finally regains control of herself, she looks at the screen to see the inadvertent snapshot and is instantly in love. She doesn't even show it to Clarke until she's already tagged it - @clarkeyg253 #fridaynightfright #myjane #mivida. "Babe," the brunette whispers, rubbing Clarke's leg and holding her phone up for the blonde to see. "Mira." "Oh my gosh! Lex!" Clarke squeals which causes Raven to look over at her again. She throws her hand over her mouth, looking at her roommate apologetically. "Sorry Rae." "Don't sorry me, Griffin. Just keep your mouth shut." her friend sasses back. "Actually, I was wanting to ask you - all of you - if you guys wanted to go on an adventure

tomorrow. I know a guy whose air-boat I can commandeer and I thought you guys might be up for some exploration." "Fuck yeah!" Lexa answers without even a second thought. "Count me in!" "That's my Lestie! I knew I could count on you!" Raven cheers, turning her attention to her companion. "Gordi?" "Pshh, you fucking know it." he smirks. "I wanna see me some gators." "Clarkey? That leaves you." her roommate looks at her expectantly, "Are you down?" "This isn't going to be like the Doon Buggy incident is it??" the blonde questions. "Raven, I don't think I can handle-" "But did you die?!" Raven interrupts. "No you didn't. I rest my fucking case. You're going." "Fine, I'm going. But you have to explain any injuries to my mother." Clarke surrenders. "I'll protect you." Lexa asserts. "Yeah, and then I have to explain your new injuries to MamaBear Indra." the blonde jokes. "So how 'bout you just leave me, and save yourself." "Quit being so dramatic, Clarke. You fell out one fucking time!" Raven huffs. "AND YOU LEFT ME THERE!" "WE CAME BACK!" her roommate argues. "I swear to God, you guys, she was out there a total of like....2 minutes." "Try 40, Rae. And it was right after sunset so it was getting dark as fuck." Clarke tells them. "Yes, it was dark and we had a hard time getting back to you. Don't be so ungrateful. It's not like we PLANNED on being out there that late. We couldn't even find the big flashli-" "BECAUSE IT GOT THROWN OUT WITH ME!" the blonde makes her point. "Whatever Griffin, it made you stronger." Raven concludes. "Struggle builds character." "And water moccasins will fucking kill you!" This comment has both of the twins' mouths gaping. "Again, did you die, Clarke?" the dark-haired brunette asks sarcastically. "He was 50 feet from you...at least." "Which is why you wouldn't get out of the buggy to help me instead of making me LIMP all the way to you?? Because he was so far away, huh??" "Someone had to live to tell the story, Clarke. Haven't you seen 300?" "Whatever, Rae. Octavia was there too."

"She's just a baby, Clarke." Raven says, feigning offense at the implications of the blonde's statement. "How selfish are you?!"

***

"Will you tell me about your dad?" Lexa asks. They're laying in Clarke's bed and it's the only time the brunette has been the little spoon. Although, Clarke has to giggle thinking about how silly it is to call her that and how ridiculous they must look with the blonde clinging to her lover's back like a baby koala. But for them, it just feels good and it doesn't matter how it looks. Nothing matters but the way their bodies meet, the way their skin touches, and the way everything else around them disappears when they're sharing moments like this. "He was an engineer. Well, an engineer turned mad sculptor." Clarke begins. "He was so brilliant and I think that's why hearing him tell me how talented and how intelligent I was.....it felt like more of a compliment than when anyone else did. Because for him to say it - for someone as fucking innovative and unparalleld as he was to tell me that - it must have been true." "You say that like it's past tense...." the brunette says, sounding more like a question. "Like you're not as impressive now..?" "I haven't felt 'impressive' in a while." She can feel Lexa's fingers on her forearm, nails lightly scratching and then fingertips replacing them. "You are remarkable. Anyone with vision can see how special you are, Clarke." "When you say it, I believe it." "How did your dad go from engineer to artist?" Lexa questions. "It was actually a pretty seamless transition." the blonde explains. "He started creating these sculptures. They were art but....they were so much more. They moved - they had purpose. He would put together these mechanical masterpieces that would just....take your fucking breath away. But their whole purpose was just to exist, just to be something for people to look at and enjoy and find peace in the monotony. You could just watch the fluid movements of the pieces - all the flips and ticks of those little doodads...and it was just, like, washed away all your anxiety. It was like watching someone do calligraphy. Just to see the pen move across the paper so smoothly, with no rush. It makes you feel so......mushy. My dad could do that. Many of the industrial companies in DC bought his pieces for their lobbies - used them as displays because it just fit their whole motif, ya know. Like I said, he was gifted....it was undeniable." "So he just quit his job as an engineer or.....he made his sculptures as a side job?" "He was diagnosed with cancer."

At that, Lexa turns herself around in Clarke's arms - facing her now - with a look on her face that Clarke can only describe as bewilderment. "Cancer?" "A brain tumor to be exact. There was nothing they could do. They couldn't operate, because of where it was. To try would have meant risking.....everything." she tells her. "They told him he had a year at the most. He left his job and started creating sculptures. He said if he was gonna go sooner rather than later, then he was gonna do what he wanted sooner instead of waiting. He wanted to spend the rest of his life doing what made him really happy, ya know?" "How-how long after that was it....that he was killed?" "7 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days." It's the kind of exact answer that one only has when they've counted over and over - when they've spent entire lifetimes getting buried in calculations that are of absolutely no consequence anymore. "I used to have a calender where I marked off the days. I guess I was just hoping he'd have more time than what they'd said." "I'm so sorry, Clarke." "Don't be. The truth is....it was a fucking mercy killing. Whether the guy knew it or not, he was doing my dad a favor." She feels her throat tighten, and she has to compose herself. She can't just leave that kind of thing hanging in the air like that. "He had started showing symptoms....worse than before. He couldn't hold things, like, he couldn't grip the tools he was using. He'd had a couple of close calls. He started....not being able to taste things or smell things. And he was having headaches. Horrible headaches. He'd been hospitalized because he had a seizure - fell out in the middle of his workshop and hit his head really hard. They kept him to make sure he was okay but...it was just like...what's the point? He's going to die either way. Is it better to stroke out or to let the cancer eat away at your brain and the rest of your body?" Lexa doesn't say anything. Her fingers run through blonde tresses and her brilliant green eyes stare back at Clarke like she's trying to read her mind. "He was meeting with a buyer that night. Arranging for delivery of his last piece and....he had just left the guys place when that fuck-wit cornered him. It's ironic, really." she scoffs. "The fact that my dad's whole world was just starting to really crumble - the reality that he was really starting to lose it and we were going to have to watch it happen - and then....poof. He's gone." "Ironic, yes. But a blessing in a way," the brunette offers. "That's what my mom and I said too, actually. But that's how I ended up with my trust, in case you were wondering. My dad....he used to always tell me that it was his job to take care of me. He used to tell me not to rush out and find a boyfriend or a husband because he didn't mind taking care of me-" the blonde tears up, "-until I was ready to be on my own. When he found out he was sick, he set up a trust. Made it so that....I couldn't have access fully until I turned 25. He wanted me to be out of my 'party years' he told my mom. He wanted me to go to school and to find a way to contribute something to the world, first." "I think you're doing that now, with your posters and pictures that you make for your mother's surgical team." her lover praises. "I think you are doing exactly what he wanted you to do, in that way. You're helping people and what you do is just as important as

what your mother does - just as important as what your father once did. But, I also think he would have supported your desire to go to Art School. I think he would have been so fucking proud of you, Clarke. I am sure, if he were here, he would tell you that YOU are his greatest accomplishment - the most dazzling contribution to this world that he ever made..." "You have no idea how much that means to me." Clarke rasps as her lip trembles and tears fall. "It's the truth." Lexa insists, pulling her ever closer. "And I promise I will be here to tell you anytime I think you need to hear it - anytime that you forget just how exceptional you are. I'd go to my grave singing your praises, Clarke." There's a silence that settles between them as they start to drift off to sleep. It's perfect - this feeling - and Clarke lets herself admit that she finally feels whole again. There's a part of Lexa that reminds her so much of her dad. It's most likely the reason why my mother seems so taken with her, she thinks. She imagines how things could be, if her father were still alive. She imagines him and Lexa sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and watching a game, while she helped her mother in the kitchen. She imagines her father walking her down the aisle with Lexa waiting at the alter. She imagines him spoiling their children with candy and smiles picturing sandcastle construction projects at the beach. She hears Lexa's light snores next to her and she raises a hand to cup the girl's cheek. "My dad would have loved you, beautiful." she whispers knowing the brunette doesn't hear her but praying that somehow it sinks in. She presses a sweet kiss to those pouty pillow lips. "You are everything he ever wanted for me. And more..."

Thank you so much for loving me as fiercely as you do.

Notes: **The poem excerpt used is from 'Te Amo' by Pablo Neruda** 'nena' - baby 'Yo se, nena. Yo tambien te extraño mucho. Tanto que me duele físicamente' - I know, baby. I miss you, too. So much it physically hurts. 'mira ma, sin manos' - look ma, no hands 'y tu tambien' - and you too 'hei, chil yu daun, joka' - hey, calm down, fucker 'Donde esta Archer?!' - Where is Archer? 'Pinche madre!' - Motherfucker Gordi - Raven's pet-name for Layne. It means 'Fatty' but it's actually a term of endearment (kinda like Fea) Chicharra -Layne's petname (sorta) for Raven. It actually means Cicada (yes, like the bug). 'Aww, Gordi! Ay, mi corazon! No puedo!' - Awww, Gordi. Oh, my heart! I can't! 'pura dulzura' - pure sweetness 'Yo te amo tambien. Y no voy a compartirte con nadie' - I love you too. And I will not share you with anyone.

'Eres mi media naranja' - literally translates to 'You are my half an orange' but it's more like saying...'You're my better half' 'Tengo frio.' - I'm cold 'Quieres una manta?' - You want a blanket? 'quiero cuddles' - I want cuddles 'Por favor. Podemos compartir' - Please. We can share. 'Besitos, papi.' - Kisses, Daddy ('cause I mean, really?!) '#mivida' - #mylife 'Mira' - Look.

Chapter 20: Forever Young Summary: Warning: There are flashbacks that include verbal abuse. They're in italics so you can skip them if you prefer.

Notes: (See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text Clarke wakes up in the morning to an empty space in her bed and the most amazing smell tickling her senses. She finds a note on the pillow besides her, the one that smells like Lexa now, and her lover's script reads 'Come find me! - <3 Lex' And she'd be mad about waking up alone, she really would, if this girl just wasn't so goddamn cute. She groans as she rolls herself to the edge of the bed and forces herself to get up. She stops in the bathroom first knowing she'll need to relieve her aching bladder but she also fully aware of the silent killer that is 'morning breath'. Once she feels presentable enough, she exits the bathroom and moseys into kitchen to find both twins working in tandem to create the most delicious smelling grub she can recall being prepared in this apartment. She isn't surprised when Raven appears shortly behind her, still rubbing her eyes, and trying to fix her disheveled hair into a messy bun to match the blonde's. "Que es eso?" the dark-haired girl asks, greeting her lover with a short kiss to the side of his mouth. "Breakfast tacos," he replies. "Quieres papas?" "Yeah." Raven murmurs into his shoulder. "Okay, papas y que mas?" he asks, getting her plate ready. "Que tienes?" "Papas, frijoles, queso, huevos, chorizo, cebollas, tocino-" "No tocino," Raven quickly tells him, "pero todo la demas, por favor." "Okay babe, siéntate." he says, pulling out a bar stool at the counter for her.

Clarke sees Lexa making tortillas, her face is the picture of concentration, and for the blonde it's just too adorable. She sneaks over and puts her arms around the brunette's waist from behind. She kisses the girl's shoulder and lays her head there, feeling Lexa take a breath and then let it back out. "Good morning, pretty girl." her lover's voice sounds like it resonates in her own chest. "Good morning, handsome." she returns as her fingers gingerly scratch at Lexa's abdominal muscles under her shirt. "The food smells amazing. Where did you get all this, though?" "We went to the store earlier," Layne explains. "We tried to be quiet when we left so we wouldn't wake you ladies up." "I borrowed your keys," Lexa tells her. "I hope you don't mind, I just didn't want to have to call you to let us back in and we weren't going to leave the door unlocked." "That's fine, babe." the blonde assures her, nuzzling her face against the brunette's shoulder blades. "God, this is domestic as fuck." Raven croaks. "How did we get here, Griffin?" "I believe we live here, Rae." "You know what I mean, bitch. Don't play with me this morning." the Latina warns, jokingly. "These two, with their wits and charms and homemade yummy scrumptiousness, they're changing us my friend. Soon, we will no longer be content with cold pizza or leftover Chinese for breakfast. They're going to have us spoiled. You do know this, right??" "Are you complaining?" Lexa asks. "Would you rather us not cook?" "I object!" the blonde clucks. "Motion to suppress the twins' kitchen efforts is denied. I motion for them to cook for us forever." "Motion granted!" Raven cheers. "Ah ha!" Clarke points at her roommate, looking to both Layne and Lexa. "Motion passed, my pretties. You two are now fully responsible for all cuisine to be made in this home." "Well shit, Thank God we're off to a good start, huh?" Layne chuckles, putting a place of tacos in front of Raven along with a small plastic cup of green salsa. "Enjoy your first Kongeda-cooked meal." "Thanks Gordi!' the girl cooes, puckering her lips a couple times and looking up at him. "Besos." "Uh Uh, Not until you brush your teeth," he jests. "Ain't about to be no black widow, praying mantis shit here. You don't get to sleep with me, eat my food, and then murk me." "Lo que sea, hijo de puta!" Raven huffs, slapping his shoulder. "See if I kiss you after I brush my teeth!"

"I already brushed my teeth," Clarke smiles as Lexa turns her face towards her. "Do I get kisses?" "As many as you want," the brunette answers, turning around in the blonde's arms. She places a warm kiss against Clarke's lips, barely flicking her tongue out to tease her. "Mas?" "Mucho mas." the blonde giggles, capturing her lover's lips a second later.

***

The four of them pile into the Lexa's Jeep and set off in the direction of adventure. The male twin chauffeurs them with Raven at his side in the passenger seat. Lexa sits in the seat behind Layne while Clarke is laid out along the backseat with her knees bent and her head in the brunette's lap. The blonde plays absentmindedly with her lover's fingers long, slender and slightly callused fingers of her right hand as the girl's left hand is busy with a matching set of fingers running through golden locks. For some reason or another, the blonde aches to draw these hands; the hands that make her feel a thousand things at once. Just about everything on Lexa makes Clarke want to draw her, though. The snap of a camera makes the blonde turn her head towards the front seat to find Raven with her phone pointed towards them. "You guys are sickening, really." her roommate smirks. "Consider this a thank you for your picture last night." "And you're welcome," Clarke tells her. "You and Uno there are pretty nauseating, too. I mean that in the most loving way possible, by the way." "We are cute, huh?" Raven says, turning back to face the road ahead, reaching a hand up to squeeze her companion's bicep. "I guess I kinda like you," she tells him with a teasing smile on her face. "I'm a little fond of you, too, Chicharra." he replies with a wink. "Hey Rae, tell me again how you came about stealing this boat?" the blonde asks. "The term is not stealing, my sweet, it's borrowing. And I know a guy who knows a guy." she shrugs. "I may or may not have....'removed' something from the university's mechanical department and used it to help him out once. He owes me a favor." "You never cease to amaze me, Raven." Clarke shakes her head. "You haven't seen HALF of what I'm truly capable of, Griffin." "And you actually know how to operate an air-boat?" Lexa asks. "No offense. I'm not doubting you, I just think it's a legitimate question."

"None taken." Raven says, offering her a wink in the mirror above the passenger seat. "And I assure you, I know how to handle just about anything that moves." "That sounds entirely too sexual, RaeRae." the blonde giggles, using her foot to lightly kick the back of her friends seat. "She's not wrong though," Layne chuckles. "Eww, Gross Bicho!" his twin gags. "I'd rather NOT have that mental image." "Ey, we're gonna have to be grown-up's about this." Raven points out. "We are spending the weekend together in that apartment. There's gonna be some sexy-time and you can bet your ass I'm not keeping quiet. Not in the confines of my own bedroom, thank you. So quit being a bunch of pussies and just deal with it." "At least turn some music on or something. It's a courtesy thing," Lexa begs. "I'll accept your terms," the darker-haired brunette says, turning in her seat to offer her hand. "Seal the deal, Stud." "Not so fast, pichoncita," the girl barks back. "There have to be boundaries. No sex in or on common areas, i.e. the couch, the dinner table, the kitchen counter, my fucking jeep!...." "Fuck, you're no fun!" Raven grumbles. "Fine. Parameters duly noted. Can we shake now?" "Clarke," Lexa asks looking down at the blonde whose head is still in her lap, "Anything else we need to discuss before this is set in stone?" "Nope. I'm good." she replies with a grin. "Alright then, Reyes, you've got a deal!" the female twin says giving the other girl's hand a firm shake. "Cheers to adulting!"

***

True to her roommate's word, Clarke is excited to see that Raven is in complete control of the boat they're using to get around the lake and all it's little nooks and crannies. Layne is grinning from ear to ear turning his attention from Raven to the scene in front of them and then back. None of them are speaking - it would be difficult to do so with the protective earmuffs they're all four sporting - but the sights alone are enough to distract from any need for conversation. Clarke can see Lexa taking it all in when she notices the tightening of the brunette's jaw. Her body seems rigid in the seat and her eyes dart from their surroundings to her own feet and lap. The blonde can see her left hand clenching the edge of the seat they're

sharing and she realizes what's happening. She raises her right hand to rub her lover's back as her left wraps around Lexa's left forewarm. She brings her lips to the girl's shoulder and plants a kiss there before giving her a love-bite to grab her attention. When Lexa's wide green eyes do find hers, Clarke offers her a reassuring smile and mouths the words 'You're safe. I've got you.' It's the most minute movement at the corner of the brunette's mouth - just a slight curve that might even resemble a twitch or a tick of some kind - but Clarke knows it means she's okay. Lexa is still staring at her, watching the way her sunshine gilded tresses move around her face, and the blonde thinks she looks more engrossed in her than in the trees and birds and the water around them. She mouths a silent 'You want to stop?' and her lover shakes her head in response. Clarke follows up with 'I love you' and gives the girl a few light scratches of her fingernails as she tells her 'You're so brave.' The glow that comes over the girl's face and the way those emerald orbs of hers illuminate at those words - it's awe-inspiring. The blonde takes a page from her lover's book and decides to bring her right hand down from Lexa's back and around to rest on her inner thigh. She turns to face the lake again, taking in the way the sun gleams over the top of the water, and she starts to let herself settle in to the feeling of Lexa. She knows this weekend will be short lived, but damned if she isn't going to enjoy it while she's got it. She'll deal with Monday when it comes. She chances a look at the brunette beside her and Clarke beams at the shark-like smile tearing across the girl's face. She doesn't think she's ever seen her smiling so wide and it feels like the fear was never there - like the hesitation never existed before this bliss. There's just something about Lexa that is still so childlike. As protective and intuitive as she can be - as serious and heart-warming as she's shown herself capable of being - Clarke cannot fathom there being anything better than the way Lexa is laughing as Raven spins the boat in a tight circle over the surface of the lake. She can't hear the sound of it, but her lover's face is enough to make the angel's sing in Clarke's mind. She remembers Raven's words during their first real conversation about this girl, and the way that Lexa is staring at her right now and mouthing the words 'I love you' makes her feel like her friend has never been more right. Lexa is pure light, raw happiness, breaking her apart at the seams. When they make it back to their starting point at the boat ramp, there's another group preparing to go out. Raven, being the outgoing loud-mouth that she is, convinces one of the girls of the group to take a picture of the four of them on the air-boat. It doesn't take long and Raven offers the girl a thank you before helping to load the boat back on their trailer so they can be on their way. The picture is quickly shared among their phones via text but Raven is the one to post it on 'the GRAM' tagging and captioning it This is your Captain speaking: Please keep all arms, legs, and other favored appendages inside the vehicle at all times! @elwuskripa @clarkeyg253 @cowafknbunga #captainravenreyes #landho #kongedakrunewbie #lovemykru.

***

"Clarke," Lexa warns, "Quit doing that. We gotta hurry and get ready. I don't want to be late for dinner."

"I'm not doing anything." Clarke responds as she rinses the suds off her chest and stomach. "Uh huh." the brunette smirks as the blonde backs up into her, her ass brushing up against Lexa's pelvis. "What's the matter, Heda?" Clarke husks. "Can't control your soldier?" "I control him fine until he gets around you. You make him stupid." "The feeling is mutual," she giggles. "Ooh, do I make Princess Peach swoon?" Lexa asks, raspy voice slightly muffled as her lips press against the back of Clarke's neck. "Uh uh," the blonde says, reaching her hand back to push against her lover's abs. "Back up Charming. You said we need to get ready." Lexa's arms wrap around her ribs so fast she doesn't have time to think before the girl's semi-erect member is pressed against her, spreading her ass cheeks. Her teeth scrape against the bare skin of Clarke's shoulder as her left hand reaches up to grab the blonde's breast, her thumb swiping across the nipple causing Clarke to whimper before she can bite her lip to hold it back. "Meet me in your bed after dinner, then?" the brunette cooes suggestively. "My bed here or my bed at my mother's house?" Clarke questions. The little rumble she feels exuding from Lexa's chest against her back excites her. "Both." her lover growls into her hair. "I'll just tell Layne to run interference so your mother won't find us..." "If he's anything like you, he'll have her bewitched in no-time." the blonde says. "It might be kinda fun.....kinda daring, too. Thinking we might get caught." "Oh yeah?" Lexa hums against her neck. "You like that kinda thing?" "I don't know. I've never tried it. But the thought of you above me in my old bed - the bed I used to lay on, curled up under the covers, touching myself because I was too shy to do let anyone else touch me - something about that picture just makes me so fucking wet, Lex. God, if I'd known you back in high school, I'd never have made it to college still being a virgin. You would've had me laid on my back in the back of that Jeep, spread open for you-" "Mmm, if you don't hush that delightfully sinful mouth of yours, we'll never make it to either of your beds..." "I love the way your voice sounds when you think your issuing a threat," Clarke groans. "If they bottled that in liquid form, I'd be a fucking lush." "Would you like to hear another threat, then?" "Hmph," the blonde breathes out, trying to steady herself again. Finally she lets out a light giggle and shakes her head. "Not if you want to make it to dinner."

"I could always use an appetizer.." Lexa offers placing her hands on Clarke's waist and turning her as she kneels down. "Lex-" It takes one swipe of the brunette's tongue and the blonde is done arguing. Truthfully, she was done trying to fight this from the very second she felt her lover up against her back. Her hands find Lexa's hair and she threads her fingers in it - scratching at scalp, creating a tangled trap in her girlfriend's mane. She's too close already, but she tries to hold on as long as she can. It's almost annoying who well her lover knows her body because she can't leave well enough alone. She's got to make everything feel so fucking amazing and Clarke's trying to ride the wave but letting herself fall over the edge and be enveloped by the tides of pleasure is far too appealing right now. She feels herself being pushed against the shower wall, with Lexa's hands bringing the blonde's right leg up to rest on her shoulder. Her mouth continues its work - licking and sucking - bringing Clarke closer and closer to the edge. Her lover's next move surprises her, though. She feels the girl's left hand support her bottom and her casted right hand (the plastic cover feels funny on her skin) coming up from under her to lift her other leg onto the brunette's right shoulder leaving all her weight supported by the girl beneath her. "Lexa, your-your collarbone..." "Shhhhhh," the brunette hushes her from her place between the blonde's thighs. "But you're.........you're gonna-" "Clarke," her lover removes her tongue from the blonde's center. "If do not shut up and enjoy this, I'm going to stop. The only thing I want to hear out of your mouth right now is 'Yes, Lexa', 'More, Lexa', and 'I'm gonna cum.' Any variation of those is accepted and appreciated. Do you understand?" "Fuck, okay, yes. Please don't fucking stop!" Clarke nods enthusiastically, letting Lexa return to her task. Her back's pressed against the tile wall, arms down in front of her with one hand scratching at the brunette's shoulder and the other immersed in her mass of curls. She lets out a low moan of 'mmmm, like that, Lex,' but the raw power that her girlfriend possesses has her lost in an instant when she finally let herself give in to the ecstasy. "Lex! Fuck, Lex, I'm gonna cum..Shit, baby...Ahh-I-" She feels herself shaking and it scares her, knowing that any slight pivot could cause her balance to be thrown off and they could both topple over. But Lexa holds her tight and with the last cant of her hips to meet the impossibly simultaneous licking, swirling, and thrusting of the brunette's tongue she's falling apart. Her lover's flicks and gentle sucks slow to bring her down and she can feel lips pressed into the crease where her pelvis and her thighs meet. "You are a taste I'll never be bored of." Lexa whispers against her skin, planting a kiss against Clarke's light patch of blonde pubic hair. "I really hope so because....fuck, you're soooo good at that." the blonde hums. "I don't think my legs are going to cooperate now. You have a tendency to do that, you know?"

"I make your knees weak?" Lexa teases with a devilish grin that Clarke can feel against her thigh as the girl's lips adorn her with kisses and her teeth tease with little love-bites. "Shut up, you ass." she says, pulling her hair playfully. The brunette helps her down, one leg at a time, and once the blonde has her footing she helps her lover up off the shower floor. "My knees are gonna hurt like hell tomorrow," her girlfriend jokes, "but feeling your body shudder against my mouth like that was definitely worth it." "You want me to-" Clarke offers letting her fingers journey down her lover's abs. "How much ti-unh, fuck-how much time do we have?" the brunette stutters as a hand wraps around her length, giving a gentle tug. "Enough."

***

"Alright you two, it's time for the talk," Abby chirps, directing her stare to the twins. "Mom," Clarke sighs, "Is this really necessary?" "It is," the elder Griffin confirms. "You and Raven are my daughters and I feel like if your father were here, he'd be giving this very speech right now." "Is this the 'you better not hurt my little girl' talk?" Layne grins. "I've never gotten one of those before." "You've never had a serious girlfriend before, Bicho." Lexa interjects. "Look who's talking!" he counters. "You talked to a girl for a year and finally brought her home to Mama." "Technically, I brought myself to your-" Clarke tries, but Abby interrupts her. "MY POINT IS," she tells them, "I don't want to see my girls get their hearts broken. What exactly are your intentions, both of you, with my daughters?" "I just met your daughter - er, both of them," Layne speaks first, "So I don't really have any intentions yet I'd say. I just want to get to know her better. She's amazing to be around." "Yes, well, as care-free a notion as that is I need you to....'get to know her' safely, please." the woman says. "Use protection." "MOM!" Clarke shrieks. "Please, let's not do this now!"

"Listen, I'm not trying to embarrass them Clarke, I'm just trying to make sure we don't have any slip-ups. I know I didn't exactly do a great job with our...'talk'. But you're an adult now - both of you - and I think we need to be realistic about this. I know that abstinence is obviously an outdated notion." she laughs, looking to her daughter's roommate. "However, I'm still too young to be a grandmother, Raven." "Oh good Lord," Clarke groans. "Mother, please, no more." "Mama G, I can assure you that Gordi and I are using plenty of protection." Raven says slapping her arm to show the birth control implant. "We wrap too, just to be doubly safe." "See, was that so difficult?" Abby turns to Clarke and then back to Raven. "Thank you. That makes me feel much better. I appreciate your willingness to give me some peace of mind." "Not a problem, Abbz. I'm not ashamed. You know this." the dark-haired brunette shrugs. "Besides, when Gordi and I do have babies, they're gonna be way cuter than Clexa's." Abby chuckles turning her gaze to her daughter whose eyebrows are arched in a panic mouth dropped open in a perfect O shape. "Clarke, close your mouth, dear." the woman instructs. "It's a joke, obviously. You need to lighten up." The blonde looks to her side, to her girlfriend who is currently wearing a shit-eating grin while she brings her drink to her lips. "Clexa," Lexa rasps, "I'm thoroughly pleased with that."

***

Abby sits in a rocking chair on her wrap-around porch watching the four of them playing soccer in her yard. Lexa's jeep sits with the top down and the music blaring as the DJ's voice informs them that 'this is Mura Masa's 'What If I Go' here on 101.5 - More of your favs without the frustration, welcome to commercial-free hour!!' She observes from her seat a few yards away, laughing as Raven pouts when Layne steals the ball from her. She can't stifle her giggles as Clarke steals it back only to find herself being grabbed by one of Lexa's arms and spun around in the air squealing the whole time. The smiles etched on both of her daughters' faces are exactly how Abby remembers her mother describing the one on hers when she was around Jake. The laugh she hears from Clarke - that fullbody laugh she hasn't witnessed in almost a decade - is what tells her that this is not something she can control for her. This is still her little girl, but this is her growing up and falling in love for the first time. She'd seen her with Finn and she wasn't impressed. That boy always played nice but he'd caused irreparable damage that she wasn't even sure Clarke had really dealt with yet. She remembers watching Finn fix her daughter's plate for her once - giving her portions that were about the size of the spoon and that was it. Clarke hadn't complained

and when Abby had offered seconds, the boy had cut her off with a curt 'No, she really shouldn't. She gets sick when she eats too much.' She had wanted to say something then, but her daughter had been smiling and agreeing that she was full and fine. And so Abby let it go. She knew Finn had cheated. She'd called their home phone, which she paid for in case Clarke's cell were ever damaged and she needed to get in touch, and a girl answered who wasn't her daughter. Thinking perhaps the girl was one of her friends, Abby had asked if she could speak to Clarke and the girl proceeded to yell to the boy in the background 'Finn, who's Clarke? Do you know a Clarke?' Still, any time she'd brought it up to her daughter, the blonde shook her head and said 'It was his coworker, he told me she was coming over.' There was always an excuse, but the haze in her blue eyes only confirmed what she already knew to be true. Mother knows best, after all. Well, most of the time anyway. Lexa had shown her that. She watches them together, now. Lexa carrying Clarke on her back, still kicking the soccer ball across the yard, trying to score against her brother who has a very vehement Raven on his back. The aforementioned girl is screaming out for him to go right - which he does - not expecting Lexa to use her less dominant leg to sweep the ball to his left shooting it past him and then, with a swift right kick, in between the two trees they'd marked as the goal. "WOOT WOOT!" Clarke crows. "Team Clexa for the win!!" "I demand a rematch!" Raven yells. "Pictures! Mom wants pictures!" Abby calls out to them, holding up her phone. "Come on, gather up! Clarke, Rae - you girls in the middle with the soccer ball between you." She snaps the picture and shows it to them. "Send it to both of us, mom," Clarke tells her. "Hey, let's all of us get on the porch swing and take a swing-selfie!" As suggested, they all pile onto the swing with Abby in the middle, Clarke on her left and Raven on her right, and the twins on the outside edges. Raven holds her phone out with the selfie-stick and proceeds to take the picture. They snap a funny one - with weird faces and stupid hand gestures - before getting a really good one with all smiles and bright eyes. "I want copies printed," the elder Griffin tells her. "One for the fridge and one for my office." "Consider it done, Mama G," Raven assures her as she posts the picture to Facebook, tagging everyone and including the hashtags #soccersaturday #teamrayne VS #teamclexa #casagryffindor She hears the girls to her left - her daughter and Lexa - murmuring endearments to each other. She hears what she believes is Lexa telling the blonde 'I love you' which Clarke returns without hesitation. It warms her heart to know that Clarke is truly happy and even more so that it's with someone like Lexa. The situation is not ideal, long distance isn't really a forte for anyone, but the brunette has proven her willingness to try and that gives Abby comfort. There's an easiness about their relationship - something Abby remembers with her and Jake - and it makes her wonder if perhaps her daughter's first real love might be her only love as well.

***

"Tell me what you want, Clarke." They're back at the apartment, in Clarke's bed having decided not to try their luck at her mother's house. They'd enjoyed a few mixed drinks - courtesy of Raven - before leaving and Lexa had pulled her into the elder Griffin's living room to ask if Abby knew about her anatomy to which Clarke responded with a 'No, I thought I'd wait to discuss that with you before telling her.' The brunette appreciated the thought and had told Clarke that it would be okay for her to tell her mother whenever she felt comfortable. The conversation had briefly drifted to 'Shouldn't we be using protection, too?' and 'Do you think I should be on birth control?' with both girl's deciding they'd discuss it further at a later time. But that was then and this was now and they were mildly intoxicated and delighting in each other's company. "You," the blonde replies, her breath shaky. "I want you, Lex." "And what do you want me to do?" her lover rasps into her ear. "I want to know what you like to feel - what you want most..." "Babe.....I-I just want you.." "Don't be shy. Use your words - I want to hear them." the brunette purrs as she licks her jaw. "I want to hear everything.." "I-Inside me." Clarke answers her. "I want you inside me, Lexa." The blonde revels in the feeling of her lover's weight on top of her - it's her favorite feeling in the world and if she were being honest, there is a part of her that doesn't feel right without it. The push against her entrance makes her gasp every time, another feeling she's too fond of, and the fullness that follows is heaven - she's sure of it. "Is this what you wanted?" Lexa asks as she pulls out and then slides back in. "Is this what you like?" "Mmmhmm," the blonde moans under her. "I love how you feel....the way you s-stretch me...I love how it feels like-like you're the perfect size for me. Fuck, baby." "You're so beautiful, Clarke." her lover hails, giving her a series of slow and purposeful thrusts. "God, you're gorgeous." "My body just feels like it was made for you." Clarke proclaims. "I feel like there's nothing of me that doesn't tremble for you. It-it feels like you own every inch of my skin - every muscle and movement, every single nerve-ending. I've never felt this way, Lexa.....my body reacts to you in ways that.....I can't control-" "Then don't," the brunette orders, letting her tongue circle the blonde's nipple. "Let go for me." "Faster, Lex." she hums. "Please, I need it-I need you."

Her lover answers by picking up her pace - delivering short, quick strokes that drive her crazy. The brunette bites and sucks at her nipples, alternating between the two, and then scrapes her teeth in mock bites against the blonde's sternum. The blonde's hands find her girlfriends hair, slipping underneath to pull on baby hairs at the base of her neck. She runs a palm over Lexa's shoulder, feeling the muscles rolling under smooth skin, and the satisfied moan the brunette gives her is something Clarke could listen to on repeat if given the opportunity. "Clarke," Lexa starts, "I-" "Yeah?" Clarke gasps. "What do you want baby? Just tell me....Anything. You can have anything Lexa..." "I want you to ride me," Lexa husks. "I want to watch you.." The brunette raises her upper body and moves to a kneeling position, never letting herself slip out, as she lifts the blonde's body with hers. Clarke can feel it - how careful Lexa's being, the way she tries to keep her cast from baring into her too hard or scratching against her skin of her back. This position is too good, allowing her to sink down onto the girl's cock with ease, taking even more of her than she had before. Their bodies rock together, chests pressed to one another as they breath out against each other's mouths. "I love when you look at me like that," Clarke tells her. "Like you've never seen me before." And it's so fucking true. Her eyes are almost a kelly green now and the way they traverse the landscape of the blonde's face - wide with wonder - is like it's the first time they met. Lexa makes her feel like it's their first time - every time. The way she's tender like a warm bath and yet turbulent as a roaring sea; the taste of peppermint candy kisses mixed with the smell of coconut lime expanses of skin. Everything about Lexa is a contradiction of sorts but Clarke finds peace in the pull. The brunette's hands grip her hips and she guides her movements. The alcohol is still in effect and instead of feeling uninhibited she feels slightly embarrassed thinking of the way her body must look right now. The not-so-subtle jiggles of her ample curves and the weight of her coming down on Lexa's legs makes her nervous. She can't just forget she can't just ignore what happened before - though she knows she should. Don't think about him, Clarke! Don't ruin this! she tells herself. She tries to be present, focusing on her forehead resting on Lexa's as she moves above her. But the drinks she'd had at her mom's, the liquor she knew she should have passed on, has her mind flashing back to sophomore year, back to him, and back to words that sliced into her.

She's lying on her back, in their bed, and Finn is thrusting into her. He's grunting and sweating and finally he stops and taps her hip. "Can you flip onto your side and put your leg up like.....this? I can't finish, your belly's distracting me."

She puts her hand on her lover's chest, over her heart, attempting to force herself to remain calm. The girl's heartbeat is erratic but it grounds her; for just a second it keeps her here. "Te amo," Lexa's lips ghost over hers, her tongue sliding out to swipe at her top lip playfully. Clarke wishes it were as comforting as it should be. She wishes that those words could stop the sickness creeping up inside her, but they don't, and she practically jumps out of the brunette's lap and sprints to the en suite slamming the door behind her. Her knees barely hit the floor before she's heaving up everything she'd eaten earlier.

"You're gonna have to be a doctor," Finn teases, "if you wanna pay to do something about these." His hands are on her thighs and he pokes into them with his finger, trying to accentuate how soft and fluffy they are. His clothed front is pressed against her naked back, having walked in on her about to get in the shower, and he reaches his hand between her thighs cupping her sex. "Won't be able to do anything about this, though." he says, removing his hand to slap her ass and walk back out the bathroom door. She tries not to let it hurt her - she tries to build up the hard shell - but crumpled on the floor of the shower, she losses that battle.

"Clarke!" Lexa's pushing her way in the door almost instantly, and the blonde was sure she'd locked it, but she can't even focus on that now. "It's okay, Clarke." her girlfriend soothes her, pulling her hair into a messy bun with a hair tie she swipes from the bathroom sink. She rubs her back gently, smoothing circles over her bare skin. It should be awkward having her erection-sporting lover standing behind her, still nude, and probably with a look of concern scrolled across her face though she can't be sure - but Lexa's presence is almost settling. Well, at least it would be if she weren't so fucking embarrassed about the situation. "It's alright, baby. I'm here." "Please Lex-" she tries, but more vomit erupts from within, and her hazy mind keeps flickering back and forth between present and past - between Lexa and Finn.

"You're prettier when you keep that cock-sucking mouth of yours shut." Finn tells her with his hand over her mouth. "Do I have to keep my hand here to block you from shoving shit in there that doesn't belong, too?"

"Ugh, just go, Lexa." she squeezes her eyes shut, tears running down her face, "Please!!"

"I got you baby," she feels the cold rag against the back of her neck and Lexa's hand is brushing loose tendrils of blonde hair out of her face, tucking them behind her ears. "You're okay, Clarke. Just try to relax. Breathe, baby. Just breathe with me." "Please," she whimpers into the porcelain bowl in front of her, pleading for the brunette to leave and let her wrestle her demons alone, "Get out!......I-I don't....I don't want y-" Another round of painting the toilet with the contents of her stomach. She feels like she can't catch her breath, like every muscle in her body is straining against the confines of her skin. She feels like her lungs can't get the air in. But I'm crying, she thinks. If you're crying, you're breathing. "I know," her lover whispers, "Don't try to fight it, just let it out. It's okay, love. You'll feel better when you get it out, I promise.."

He's pounding between her legs, his face hovering only inches from hers, and his hot breath is enough to make her want a shower. "No one else-" he says, "No one else is gonna fuck you like this. Not like me. No one else is gonna want you...ever. Not after I've had you! You're mine!! I own this!"

She gags again and it's so violent this time that she almost face-plants into the white rim of the toilet but Lexa is quick and wraps her arm around her ribcage, carefully but firmly holding her in place. The brunette is crouching behind her now, though more to her side, and she can feel her cool fingers move from the cold rag on the back of her neck reaching up again to move the baby hairs from her face. "Is she okay?" Clarke hears Raven's voice outside the bathroom door, clearly having heard the commotion. "Hey, do you need me to get you anything?" "She's gonna be fine. Are you guys sober enough to run and get some Ginger-Ale?" Lexa calls to her. "I saw crackers in the cabinet but she needs something to calm her stomach." "Yeah, we can go, Lex. You good staying here by yourself with her?" Layne voice booms from her bedroom just past the door, adding, "Should we call her mom?" "No, not yet. If it gets worse or....doesn't stop, then I'll call her. For now, just clear liquids and time, I think." her lover answers. "And hey! Nothing already cold. Room temp, only. It's easier on the stomach - less shock on the gut." "Got it. We'll be back." She hears him tap the door as he leaves and she breathes a sigh of relief. Hysteria is impossible without an audience, she thinks to herself, remembering the quote from one of her favorite books. Maybe if Lexa would leave too.........maybe this could all just be over. Why hasn't she left? she asks herself. Why do I want her to leave? God, what the fuck is wrong with me?! "Clarke," Lexa's left hand moves across her back, her right hand reaching up to scratch at her scalp carefully. "Do you think you're gonna be alright for a bit or do you feel like you might be sick again? I can take you to the bed - get you a garbage can in case you need it."

"I-I need to blow my nose.." the blonde says, voice cracking. "Could you.." The brunette rolls up some tissue and hands it to her. "Toma." Clarke looks up at her, eyebrows quirked as she reaches for it, questioning why she's still there. "You're going to watch me blow my nose?" "I just watched you 'Linda Blair'," Lexa counters. "Are we really worried about boogers, right now?"

Clarke doesn't want to tell her that she's fucked up. She doesn't want to talk about how she's blocked it out for so long and it really only comes out when she's drinking. She hates feeling like she can't drink and have a good time like everybody else without thinking of him. She hates it more that it still affects her like this. But the trouble with that is that she only remembers not to drink once she's already started. Sober Clarke only thinks of Finn in fleeting glimpses - like a really messed up shooting star. But Clarke under the influence? She remembers every shitty detail of their relationship. It's why she kept going after him once they'd broken up. She'd get drunk and she'd think about him - knowing somewhere deep within that he was right and that no one else would want her. 'Charming' had put a stop to that nonsense. She'd been drunk a few times since that first set of texts, but it truly had become a once and while kind of thing instead of every weekend. And with 'Charming' having Finn's number at the time, it meant that she couldn't just run back to him when she felt like no one else would have her. It forced her to face the possibility that there was someone else out there and she was so fucking thankful, though that - like much of her history with Finn - was a secret she never shared. She'd had him almost out of her system. The last little bit of his bullshit had come up when she was drinking in Bradenton that night and she'd seen Lexa hugging Raven. She remembered coming home to the apartment she and Finn shared to see a woman exiting their door. She entered to find Finn in the shower, casual as fuck, like he thought Axe could wash away the sting of his infidelity. And that is why seeing Lexa with her arms wrapped around Raven, in the blonde's drunken state, had caused her to partially derail. Because for that brief second in time, she cursed herself for doing it again. For being stupid enough to believe that someone wanted her. And only her. For her foolish belief that she was enough. Tonight's incident, though......that crept up on her before she even could see it coming. They had just talked about this. Lexa had seen....all of her - had touched all of her, she was almost positive - and she couldn't understand why doing something they both clearly enjoyed could be such a goddamn trigger. Clarke watches the brunette - stark naked (though her erection is gone now) and moving around her. She studies the way she flushes the toilet, as if she's erasing all the upset, moving to the sink to wash her hands and then grab a toothbrush and some toothpaste. She observes the calm across her face, as if she's not even bothered by the stench of stomach acid, regurgitated food, and liquor. Lexa hands her a cup of water and the toothbrush, instructing to her brush and then sip, rinse, and spit into the toilet. She could have stood up for this, but her lover had been so attentive as to bring

the necessary hygiene products down to her. After she rinses and spits, the brunette takes the cup and toothbrush from her, running the toothbrush under the sink and then tapping it a few times against the edge of the counter before putting it up. She dumps the contents of the small plastic cup into the sink, washing it down the drain before throwing the cup in the trash. She grabs the rag and wets it again. Clarke eyes her as she sits down beside her, between the toilet and the tub, wiping her face off to remove the sweat and sickness. She's so gentle and the way those stormy green eyes stare back at her makes the blonde feel uneasy.

Can she see it? she thinks. Does she know what a fucking mess I really am? Would she still love me.....if she knew all of it? Those hands work away, over her face, sliding the rag across with just the right amount of pressure to feel like you've actually done some good. And then it's just skin. Just Lexa's mildly callused left hand and the fingers of her right cupping her cheeks, thumbs dancing lightly back and forth over the blush of embarrassment that she would feel if she didn't feel so fucking queezy still. The brunette leans forward to plant a kiss on her forehead before leaning back against the tub and linking her fingers with the blonde's. Lexa pulls, gingerly, beckoning for Clarke to lean against her. And so she does. She crawls into Lexa's lap, hoping that it's over now and that she's rid herself of any remaining traces of him. "Esta bien, nena," she hears Lexa whisper while her fingers scratch Clarke's back, making her eyes close, "Te tengo."

***

Lexa wakes up at 3:04 with a dry throat from hell. Fuck, I should have had more water before bed, she thinks. She doesn't want to wake Clarke but she's got to resolve the issue before she dies of dehydration. She carefully eases her way out of bed, careful not to let even her bones snap, crackle, or pop as she gets up and heads towards the kitchen. She's grabs a bottled water and takes a few sips before she realizes somethings off. There's a smell - a familiar smell so faint she barely registers it but it's there. Hearing movement just outside the door of the apartment, she turns the knob and pokes her head out making a startled Raven sputter and cough. "Jesus fuck, Lexa," the girl hacks. "You scared the shit out of me. Why are you up?" Lexa holds up the water bottle, quirking her eyebrows. "Y tu?" "Estoy meditando." Raven replies holding up the blunt with a smirk. "Join me in selfreflection?" "Alright," she shrugs, taking a seat on the concrete beside her. They sit there for a while, lost in smoke and conversation, and Lexa finds communicating with Raven to be effortless. She can see exactly why Clarke and the girl are friends. Raven talks about her parents and her two siblings who she doesn't really speak to anymore due to 'religious differences'. Lexa talks about how she once had wanted to

meet her birth mother, but quickly realized it probably was for the best that she didn't. The subject twists to Raven talking about her comment about babies at dinner and how she didn't mean to make things uncomfortable for Lexa or Clarke. She admits she should think sometimes before she speaks, but then excuses it by saying 'Clarke knows I have no filter though - she really shouldn't be surprised by now.' "I really think Gordi would make a good daddy one day, though. And fuck, we would make some beautiful kidlets," the girl muses, taking another puff. "If things get to that point with us, I mean, I'm totally not in a rush. I really like your brother, I just want to have some fun first, you know? Why go straight to the children and/or wedded bliss?" "I get you," Lexa nods. "I know your mom said you didn't want kids," the girl beside her states. "You don't see yourself as the parental type?" Whether it's the weed in her system or just how uncomplicated this conversation has been thus far, she doesn't know, but she finds herself opening up to Raven in a way she hadn't anticipated. "I wanted kids....once." she tells her. "I almost had one, too." "Really?" The look on Raven's face is more shock than judgement. "Yeah, a little over two years ago. Costia, the girl I was sexually involved with at the time, she called me up one day when I was on set. It was weird because she never did that, ya know? But, she told me she called because she was pregnant and she wanted to know what I wanted to do.." "And you wanted it?" "The baby, yes." Lexa answers. "With her? No, not really. But it was the luck of the draw, I guess. I'd always been told I'd probably never have children of my own, so when she told me......I was elated. Just the thought of...my child..." "What happened?" the other girl asks, passing her the blunt again. "Did she......abort?" "No. Well, I mean....they call it that." the lighter-haired brunette responds. "A spontaneous abortion, that's the medical term. It was a miscarriage though. We were supposed to be just outside the window of time for it to happen but...yeah..." "Oh, man." Raven sighs, leaning her head back against the brick of the apartment building. "I'm sorry, Lex, that.....that sucks so hard." "It was my fault." "What the-What are you talking about?" "I caused it....." Lexa tells her, gesturing to Raven that it was her turn again. "The night before we ended up in the ER....I had........we had sex. She.........fuck, man.....this-" she coughs before continuing."Anyways, she um-she asked me to....pretend to rape her. She always wanted it a little rough, I mean, but....this was.....different. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it - I don't really get off on the idea of someone screaming 'STOP!'.....ya know? But....she promised it was normal and, like, told me how to do it and everything..."

She stays quiet, letting the high roll in like a dense fog. She almost forgets where she left off so she picks up where-ever her mind goes to first. "The doctor in the ER....she said the miscarriage could've been caused by diet....or activity....or stress. I know it was what I did to her though. I was....her stress...." "Lexa, that-" "I killed my own child...." she shakes her head before resting it in her palms, hiding her face. "Probably the only chance I'll ever have to.....have one. How fucked up is that??" Raven's hand reaches over to grab her arm. "Hey, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know.." "Just because I didn't know doesn't mean it wasn't my fault. Ignorance doesn't negate the fact that I shouldn't have fucking done it.....that.....I'm the reason we lost it." Lexa argues, standing to lean against the wall. "The fact is...after that, I just couldn't find it in myself to want kids - not anymore. To hope for something I didn't deserve..." It takes a few moments of shared silence before she realizes everything she's allowed to spill out. She looks down at Raven with a pleading look and tears in her eyes. "Please don't tell Clarke any of this. I.....Nobody knows. Not even my brother. We-We hadn't even had a chance to tell anyone. She was only 3 months along....we....didn't even know the sex. Please don't say anything. I never should have....Fuck!" "Lexa," Raven stands up to pull her into a tight hug, arms flying over her shoulders, one hand on the back of her head pulling Lexa's face into the crook of her neck and the other rubbing her back. "I won't say anything, okay? It's good that you got it out. You probably needed to, whether you knew it or not. That's a lot of burden to bare, yo. You needed to let some go. But it stays between us, alright?" "Thank you, Raven." her words sound weird against the girl's neck - her mouth is dry and her tongue feels heavy. "I'm.......sorry to put you in this position." "It's cool. No worries. Just don't tell yourself you don't deserve a second chance." the girl assures her, patting her back lightly. "You're an amazing person and you deserve great things - you and Clarke both do - no matter what kind of bullshit you try to feed yourselves." "I want to be a good person for her, but I'm afraid I'll hurt her too.." she whispers, thinking she might have only said it in her own head. "Pain is inevitable; no matter which end of it you're on. We hurt the ones we love the most sometimes. Because we know they love us too and they'll still be there when shit is tough. The best you can do is try not to." "And if I hurt her?" she murmurs. "Then you'll find a way to fix it." Raven answers her, so matter-of-fact in her tone. "She's not made of glass, Lex, she won't shatter." "You're right," Lexa relents. "Thank you, again, Raven. For everything." "Anytime, Lestie. Thank you for loving my best friend." she says sweetly as she pulls back to face her, a smile situated on her face. "And thanks for being a twin. I really

wouldn't have enjoyed stealing you from Griffin. This way, we each get one of our very own, bahahaha!"

***

Clarke stretches and realizes she can't feel Lexa against her anymore. There's a moment of panic - a brief second where she thinks this has all been a dream and now she's having to wake up - but the door of her room creeks open and the sound draws her out of her momentary hissy-fit. She feels the bed dip and her lover's arms wrap around her. She turns in those arms, ready to bury her face in the brunette's neck. However, the smell she finds there makes her jerk back and stare at her girlfriend's face in the dim light. "Why do you smell like.........Raven?" Lexa giggles at the question. "What are you, part blood-hound?" "You smell like 'Mambo' and marijuana," Clarke states. "I got thirsty so.....I got up to get a drink. I heard noise outside the apartment door and I....interrupted Raven's 'moment of self-reflection'." she holds back a chuckle. "She offered me a spot next to her." "Are you-are you high right now?" "Como los cielos, mamita." Clarke shakes her head and snuggles in closer, letting her hand find her lover's hair. "Does that feel good, baby?" "Soooo fucking good," Lexa whirs. "Shit, Clarke, don't stop." "Like that, Lex?" she asks. "Fuck yeah, just like that. Unh." her lover moans and grunts and it's the cutest shit Clarke has ever heard. "I don't think you're this verbal when we're having sex..." the blonde jokes. "Is there something I need to know? Are you secretly a werewolf who really loves to be petted? It would explain a lot actually.." "I was hoping to tell you before the next full moon." the brunette quips, letting out another grunt laced with a growl, jutting her hips forward. "You know, before I started humping your leg and trying to mark my territory and all.." "If you pee on me, Lexa, I swear to God.." Clarke warns and they both burst out laughing at that.

Notes:

'Que es eso?' - What's this? 'Quieres papas?' - You want potatoes? 'papas y que mas?' - potatoes and what else? 'Que tienes?' - What do you have? / Whatcha got? 'Papas, frijoles, queso, huevos, chorizo, cebollas, tocino-' - Potatoes, beans, cheese, eggs, sausage, onions, bacon 'No tocino per todo la demas, por favor.' - No bacon, but everything else, please. 'siéntate' - sit here. 'Lo que sea, hijo de puta!' - Whatever, son of a bitch / Whatever, motherfucker 'Mas?' - More? 'Mucho mas?' - Much more / A lot more 'pichoncita' - literally 'little pigeon' but it's used like 'little bird' 'Te amo' - I love you 'Toma' - like saying 'Here' or 'Take it' 'Esta bien, nena. Te tengo.' - It's okay, baby. I got you. 'Y Tu?' - And you? 'Estoy meditando' - I'm meditating. 'Como los cielos, mamita' - as the heavens, babe.

Chapter 21: Perfect Ruin Chapter Text 6 weeks later..

Clarke thought she had everything. Her relationship with her mother was better than it ever had been. They had lunch together every day and she and Raven would go to her mother’s frequently for dinner. The twins visited on weekends and the four of them would load up the jeep and take off on a day trip almost every Saturday. She and Lexa were fantastic and Clarke had never been so happy. They talked on the phone and would text all the time – night time was Skype time and they would talk about their days. Lexa had just gotten her cast off and been cleared to return to work. She’d already spoken to her boss and had told him she’d be returning after the holiday as she and Layne were spending July 4th with Clarke and her family. Lexa and her brother had met 'the Clarkes' – Abby’s parents, Grace and Hal, and the reason why the blonde got her name – and the older couple had become quite fond of both the twins. Gramma Grace had told Lexa multiple times that she was just about the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen – with the exception of Clarke, of course. Lexa had promised her a surprise during this visit and Clarke couldn’t wait to find out what it was. She had tried to guess and had even tried to bribe her lover into telling her but Lexa wouldn’t budge. They’d spent Independence day at her grandparent’s house partaking in family games and fireworks courtesy of Raven. Lex and Layne had helped her grandfather prepare the

traditional ‘Low Country Boil’ and he’d even shared his secret for making it stand out from other people’s version of this southern treat. It was a secret he shared with no one, until then. And Clarke really thought she had it all. Until she didn’t.

***

Sitting in this hospital room feels oddly reminiscent of the first weekend they’d met. Yet, this time is different - Raven laying in her bed with Layne by her side, putting the straw of her water cup up to her lips, and Lexa………just lying there with tubes and wires attached to her. She looks so frail – not like she had the last time. The last time they’d been here, sharing a hospital bed, she still looked strong – like a warrior who’d fought a hard battle. But now, she looks like just a girl. Just a damaged girl. Her parents made it here in record time and they had even come to check on Clarke before she’d been released and allowed to go to Lexa’s room. Standing outside in the hall, talking to the elder Griffin, Clarke can see the concern written across their faces. This isn’t like the last time. Or the times before that. This is probably only comparable to the boat accident, she thinks. This is what they look like when they know shit is serious - when they worry they might lose their daughter. Raven had insisted on the two of them ‘rooming’ together. The hospital staff had told her it might not be possible but Raven was adamant and Abby had to pulled some strings and make it happen knowing that it was best not to argue with the girl who could make just about anything go BOOM. After all, hospitals have plenty of things that could ‘malfunction’ and cause a distraction. It really was in their best interest to just avoid the damage that Raven Reyes could inflict. Raven’s leg is fucked, though. She’s already had emergency surgery but they’ve told her they can’t guarantee it will do any good and that she’ll probably never have full use of her left leg again. They told her she will most likely go from having almost no feeling at all sometimes to having excruciating pain. Still, with all that she smiles at Layne and he smiles back, rubbing her hand and pushing stray hairs out of her face. The pain killers have her mind cloudy, but Clarke can tell they’re both just happy to be alive and to have each other. Lexa, on the other hand, hasn’t woken up since the accident. She’s been in a medically induced coma in the hopes of letting her rest and hopefully reducing the swelling in her brain. The first scans had been done immediately upon arrival – about 46 hours ago – and the second and third were done after about 26 hours and 42 hours respectively. Abby had explained that they were hoping to see a significant reduction in order to bring her out of the coma and find out the true extent of the damage. So, here they wait – hoping for good news. Clarke sees Indra watching her from outside the door. She sees her head fall and shake and it looks like there’s another doctor outside now, too. They door opens and the twins’ parents walk in, followed by Clarke’s mother, and the other doctor.

The explanation is shitty, honestly. There aren’t a lot of specifics and there aren’t a lot of promises and really….it feels like they’re telling her to be prepared for the worst. It feels like they’re telling her to give up hope and she just can’t let herself do that. The doctor seems perturbed that she’s in the bed alongside her sleeping girlfriend. But Clarke doesn’t care – what does he really know, anyway? He talks to them about the trauma she’s sustained and the likelihood, considering her previous injuries, that she would not walk away from this unscathed. He explains that she may have some motor deficiencies, some speech delays – there are really just too many possible symptoms for Clarke to gather up and process appropriately. The only thing her brain seems to soak up is that the swelling has gone down and they’re planning to bring Lexa out of her coma in the morning. And she intends to be right here when they do. She lays there all night, fading in and out of sleep. She’s almost sure she felt Lexa’s fingers twitch against her grip but she knows that’s not how this works. The doctors monitor her closely - nurses come in a random hours to check vitals and write things down on charts that Clarke itches to read. She swears she can hear the sleeping beauty’s thoughts a couple of times – believing she hears Lexa telling her that her fight isn’t over yet. But Lexa’s face doesn’t change from the stoic look the drugs cause. Indra and Gus take turns checking in, as well. They make sure to ask both her and Layne if they need anything though both of them refuse every time. Indra kisses her on the forehead and tells her that things will be okay. She assures Clarke that she doesn’t blame her or Raven for what happened and that Lexa is tough and will pull through. Indra even offers a gentle peck to Raven’s cheek as she sleeps, telling Layne that if he or Rae need anything to just let her or their dad know. The night goes by slowly and yet too fast at the same time. Before she knows it, her mother is rubbing her arm and telling her it’s time to get up and give Lexa some space. She explains that they are going to start reducing the amount of medication in Lexa’s system, slowly, and that it will take time to wean her off and there may be side effects so they'll have to watch her even more closely. She and Indra encourage Clarke and Layne to head to Clarke’s apartment and shower and change while they wait. But Clarke holds out hope that Lexa will pass this test with flying colors and practically catapult herself out of this bed as soon as they take away the drugs keeping her down. After 16 hours, Abby continues to run her fingers through Clarke’s hair as she lays in the bed next to lover. She whispers that it will all be okay and that it takes time sometimes. She tells Clarke to sleep and they should know something by morning. She falls asleep by 3am and is back up by 8am waking to a coaxing voice from Gustus who begs her to go home and take a shower and fix herself up. He tells her ‘Lexa would want to know you’ve been taking care of yourself..’ And she knows he’s right. But it still hurts leaving the girl’s side. She drives her mother’s car to her apartment, stripping off her dirt, blood, and sweat covered clothing that she’s been wearing since the night the Jeep got destroyed. She steps into the shower hoping the water will wash away the memory of Lexa throwing herself over her in the back seat. She tries to focus on the sound of the massaging jets of the shower head, praying to drown the sound of her girlfriend’s voice telling her, ‘STAY DOWN, CLARKE! STAY DOWN! DON’T LOOK BABY!’ She doesn’t remember how it happened; she doesn’t even remember the impact. She remembers the song coming out of Lexa’s speakers, though – ‘Telegraph Ave’ by Childish Gambino - and the feel of Lexa’s arms and her body shielding her as Raven screams in the driver's seat. And then she remembers Layne standing over her wiping

blood from his eyebrow as he yells at the EMTs to be careful, saying ‘That’s my family you got there, bro. Be careful with her.’ It feels like it all happened in a matter of seconds and Clarke can’t focus on the details of the headlights or the sound of the tires squealing because her mind keeps replaying the last few happy moments she’d spent with Lexa. The way Lexa had held her hand and played with her fingers, promising her that as soon as they got back to her apartment she’d give her the surprise she’d been waiting for. ‘You’re going to love it, Clarke’ she’d gushed. ‘I can’t wait for you to see it.’ And now all Clarke can do is fall to the shower floor and pull her knees to her chest and cry until she feels like she could vomit. Or pass out. She’d give up every surprise for the rest of her life if it meant having Lexa awake and back in her bed right now – waiting for her to get done showering so they could go to bed, together. She doesn’t realize how long she’s been sitting there, having nodded off for a bit, but she gets up and turns the shower off, stepping out to dry herself off. She wears the sky blue button-up shirt that Lexa always loved on her with the faded jean shorts that Lexa always told her made her ass look ‘ah-fucking-mazing!’ She throws her hair up in a messy bun, remembering all the times the brunette had told her, with her mouth pressed against the back of her neck, that it was her favorite hairstyle the blonde wore because it was just so relaxed and carefree and suited her incredibly well. She sprays herself with Juniper Breeze – the scent that her lover usually picked out for her when they would get ready for dinner every Friday and Sunday evening. She goes light on the eyeliner and just as easy on the mascara because Lexa prefers her toned-down, more natural look which she loved best about herself, too. She doesn’t know how long it’s been – her phone is among the carnage of the crash, and the time of the stove and microwave hasn't been right since she moved in – but she knows it’s time to head back. The drive back to the hospital has her anxious. What should I say first? she thinks. Definitely ‘I love you’. And ‘I’m so glad you’re okay.’ Probably something about how scared I’ve been. No, I don’t want to overwhelm her. Just keep it simple. Pulling into the parking lot she notices someone who looks a lot like Layne sitting on the sidewalk outside. She almost stops the car where she’s at but manages to keep herself on task long enough to park and hurry to the entrance where he’s waiting. He doesn’t meet her gaze, his head is down and Clarke is sure he’s been crying. She doesn’t even ask because she knows something is wrong. She feels bad for leaving him there but she hates herself more for not being by Lexa's side when she woke up. She rushes past the doors and into the elevator. She pushes the button no less than 5 or 6 times trying to get the door to close so she can be on her way. She practically bolts down the hall as soon as the elevator doors open on Lexa’s floor. Her mother is waiting for her in the hallway along with Indra and Gustus. She makes for the door but Abby grabs her hand and pulls her to the side a bit. “Clarke,” she says calmly, “Listen to me, okay? We need to talk about Lexa, baby..” “What about her? She’s awake right?” “Yes, sweetie, she’s awake. The doctor is in with her now. But honey, there’s something you need to know. Lexa…..suffered quite a bit of trauma. Quite frankly, we were surprised the swelling went down as quick as it did-“

“What aren’t you telling me, mom? Just-I just need to see her-“ “Clarke, baby, Lexa has no memory.” Abby finally goes for the blunt road. “She has no recollection of…any of her life. She doesn’t recognize her parents or her brother. She didn’t even recognize her own name-“ “NO! I don’t believe you!” the blonde yells. “NO! Stop lying to me!! God! Mom?!???! She's begging now - pleading for this to all be just some sick joke and for Lexa to come up behind her pull her into the tightest hug she's ever felt. She waits for those arms, waits for her mother's face to chance and give her a knowing smirk like 'the jig is up'. But none of that comes... "Please, no….NO! I have to see her! She just needs to see me-“ her voice trails off as she lunges for the door and pushes inside her girlfriend’s room. It’s instant. The way her stormy, wet blue eyes find Lexa’s now forest green ones as she breathes out ‘Lexa..’ and the brunette’s eyes widen and her heart rate shoots up causing the monitors to *ding* and the doctor to turn around and scream for the nurse and Abby to ‘GET HER OUT OF HERE!!’ And that's it. That is how quickly her world fell apart - how fast she went from believing the brunette was superhuman to feeling like she’d lost the love of her life.

It’s not fair, she curses every higher power her hate-drunk mind can think of. I just fucking got her!! How do you give me someone so amazing - how do you let me be so happy and healthy and healing - and then just take it all away like that?! What was all of this for?!?! What did I do??? What the fuck did I do wrong?!?!

***

Two weeks pass and Clarke hasn't left her mother's house. She and Raven have practically moved in after everything, though the majority of their things are still at their apartment, and Clarke's mother cooks every meal like she's feeding an army so there's always leftovers knowing that the girls can't just get out and go anywhere. Layne texts, calls, and Skypes every day and Clarke's heart can't decide whether it wants to beat or break every time they hear from him. He never mentions Lexa and the blonde isn't sure if he's trying to make things easier on her or himself. The day he mentions that his mother would like to meet with Clarke and Abby in person, she almost refuses thinking about how difficult it will be to face Indra and pretend she's not drowning in her own emotions. Instead, she agrees and Layne tells her that Indra will be coming that Friday around lunch time if that works for them. Clarke nods and leaves the room to cry in the privacy of her own nest of covers. When Friday comes, Layne texts her for her mother's address stating that Abby had asked to have Indra come there instead of meeting at the hospital. She quickly sends her reply and then drags herself into the shower to wash the funk of the past two weeks away. I can't let Indra see me like this, she curses. She'll be so disappointed.

When the door bell rings, her mother yells for her to answer it as she rushes around in the kitchen. Indra greets her with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek before they move into the living room. Abby circles around into the room and takes a seat beside Clarke. "Indra," Abby smiles, "It's wonderful to see you again. How are things? How is Lexa?" "She is.....as to be expected." Indra sighs. "I'm actually here because, prior to her trip here for the 4th, she had spoken to me about her plans for that weekend. Abby, I believe you are aware of what they were. Well, part of them, at least." "Yes," the elder Griffin confirms, "I am aware. Is that what you wanted to speak with Clarke about?" "It is," the other woman nods. She turns her attention to the blonde seated on the couch across from her. "Clarke, as you know, Lexa cared for you a great deal. She.....believed in you, without question. And part of that is what led her to speak with your mother about this. For about a month prior to....the accident...she had been working on putting together an early birthday present of sorts. With the help of your mother, she assembled a digital portfolio of your art - paintings, sketches - and she sent them to a friend of ours. Nyko, I don't know if you met him during your stay in Bradenton but, his mother is the Dean of Admissions at a private school in Sarasota. It's an art school, Clarke. And you've been accepted. Lexa spoke with your mother about this and....your mother agreed to pay for your apartment and any living expenses. Your full tuition has been paid for. Lexa wanted you to pursue your dream. I'm sorry it took me this long to.....come speak with you. It's short notice but.....I sincerely hope you take advantage of this opportunity." "Mom?" Clarke looks to her mother to make sure this is real. Her eyes well up with tears as she takes in everything Indra has said. "Is this for real?? Am I....did she.....Oh my God." "Clarke, honey," her mother rubs her back as the blonde hides her face in her hands. "I think you should do this. I think.....I think you need this. I already paid the deposit on the apartment and it's just waiting for you to move in. It's big enough for Raven to join you, if she wants. The last thing I want is to push you out if you're not ready, but baby, this is a chance to do what makes you happy. This is what you've been fighting for for so long..." "It's less than 30 minutes from Gus and I," Indra adds, "So you'll never have to feel like you're alone. You can come over anytime you want. Our door is always open." She sobs into her palms, unable to get a grip on every thought that's flooding her brain. Art school - My dream - My future - My Lexa. This was the surprise - the one Lexa had been so excited to give her. "I just...I don't even know what to say.." she stutters, looking up and wiping her eyes. "I can't believe she.....did this...all of this. I.....I've never.." "She loved you Clarke," Abby smiles at her. "She told me so many times that she wanted to build a future with you..." "This was only part of that future," Indra offers. "She had just accepted another position where she was working. It was a promotion, and a good one. She would have been choreographing stunts full time - less chance of her getting hurt and instead of being

gone 3 or 4 weeks at a time, she would have only been gone a week at most. She wanted to take a step back from the grunt work. She told me she didn't want something to happen to her and for you to be left alone. She had planned to move to Sarasota with you. She went and picked up the key to the apartment before she left for the trip. That's what she was going to give you. That's....what I'm here to give you today. Along with your paperwork for the school-" And it's all just too much for Clarke to handle. She has to get out of there before she loses it. "I-I have to go, I'm so sorry.." she says as she dashes out of the living and through the house to her bedroom.

***

Another two weeks pass and their things are packed. She cries every day, looking at pictures on her new phone. She thanked God every day that she'd download that app on her phone knowing that her pictures of Lexa - of her and Lexa - would be safe and available whenever she she needed it. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell to look at them. Layne calls and helps her and Raven plan everything. He'll be driving up the day before moving day and the movers will be there in the morning at 9 am to load the truck and make the drive. Raven insisted that Abby could drive them down - neither of them having ever needed a car because Lincoln, O, Harper, and Jas had always been available and able to carpool - but Layne was persistent and informed her that he'd already taken time off to help them get settled. The day before he's set to drive up is the first time he mentions Lexa. He asks if it would be okay for her to come along because she's going stir crazy in the house and wants a change of scenery even if it's only for a bit. Clarke hesitates but eventually gives the 'okay'. Layne thanks her and she leaves Raven's room hoping she can at least make it to her bedroom door before she breaks down. She stares at their pictures on her phone picking apart every touch and memory from those images, captured when they were happy and alive and in love. The next morning she wakes up and reminds herself that she does, in fact, have to shower. While Lexa may not remember who the hell she is, she can't have the girl see her in her seemingly post-apocalyptic, disheveled state. She reminds herself not to reach out and touch the girl when she sees her. She replays the times she'd jumped into Lexa's arms and her chest aches to feel that sense of excitement she'd felt back then. The blonde doesn't bother putting on make-up. I'm just going to sweat like hell anyway, she thinks, and cry, probably. And when she sees Layne's 4 door F-150 pull into her mother's yard, she opts to throw on sunglasses to hide most of her reaction as she goes outside to greet them. He hops out of the driver's side first and then the passenger door opens and Clarke's heart stops as she sees her ex-lover, standing there looking every bit as gorgeous as the blonde remembered her. Pictures don't do her justice. Her first thought is that Lexa is wearing sunglasses as well and she really wishes the girl would take them off. I just want to see those eyes again - just one more time if that's all I can have. She inhales deeply,

trying to center herself as the brunette approaches her, and the male twin catches Clarke off-guard by introducing them. "Clarke, this is my sister, Lexa." he says softly, giving her a look that says both 'I'm sorry' and 'Work with me, here.' And Clarke gets it, now, having forgotten for just a moment. "Lex, this is Raven's roommate, Clarke." Lexa doesn't speak, only nods her head to let them both know that she understands, and then she's gone - walking back to the truck to grab their bags from the back seat as Layne goes inside to see Raven. Clarke would be lying if she said it wasn't fucking killing her to see Lexa and be this close and know that they're really so far apart still. As if the weeks they spent in love seem more like lifetimes shared in the past. She wipes the tear as soon as she feels it slide down her cheek but that voice that comes up behind her, so soft and sweet like honey, has another tear taking it's place shortly. "Are you okay?" the brunette asks her. "Um...yeah, just tired." she rushes her answer, stuck between wanting the girl to speak again and hoping she doesn't. "Same here. Hence the shades." It feels so casual and light, just like Lexa, and Clarke feels the undeniable pull there she feels like Lexa is still 'home'. She's lost in her head for a minute until the girl speaks again. "Not sleeping well?" she asks. "Not for a while, no." the blonde answers, honestly, though she offers no explanation. "Guess tonight we'll be insomniacs together, then." At that, Clarke really can't help but snicker and sniffle at the same time because, Really? She's just as charming as she's ever been, it seems. "Guess so. I'd invite you to spend the night in my room watching movies but...my TV's already packed so.." "Ah," Lexa hums, "Well you could always join me in the living room. I hear there's a TV with, like, unlimited channels." "That there is," Clarke confirms with a grin. "But I call dibs on the big couch, though." "You'd really make me sleep on a love-seat with my legs all hanging off and shit?" "You should have spoken up sooner." she teases. "Unless you plan to fight me for it...." "You'd win.." Lexa concedes far too quickly. "How do you figure that?" the blonde asks. "You're taller, more toned - definitely more athletic-" "Yeah but you're pretty so...I'd be too distracted." the brunette offers, making Clarke blush furiously.

"Watch your mouth or I'll rethink sharing the couch, stud." she warns making Lexa's hand come up in a motion like she's zipping her lips shut with a smirk. They're finally making their way inside the house and Clarke gives the brunette the official tour, including her room which is literally bare with the exception of her mattress and a few hangers in the closet. They explore the 'mother-in-law' suite which Abby mostly uses as a pool house because of it's location in back of the main house. Clarke leads them back into her mother's kitchen through the sliding glass doors and she offers Lexa a drink feeling just a bit like she needs something to busy her hands to keep from stretching out and grasping at any part of the brunette she can get a hold on first. "Water, please." "Coming up," she says. "So, Art school, huh?" Lexa smiles, sunglasses still hiding her emerald eyes. "Layne told me you're quite gifted. I'd love to see for myself, sometime." "I'd love to show you," Clarke offers. "Maybe when we get to the apartment and things are unloaded.." "Yeah, that sounds good," she nods. "Ringling's isn't too far from where we live, Layne said. I think he's really glad Raven is gonna be closer now." "Raven is pretty excited as well. She's already making plans to spend weekends on the beach with him.." "I suppose that means we'll be seeing each other a lot then," the brunette jokes, pulling her sunglasses up to rest on the top of her head. "Better get used to this face, Clarke." The giggle that escapes her is uncontrollable. The blonde pulls her sunglasses up and returns Lexa's gaze, grinning as her ex-lover's eyes widen at the sight. "Same to you, Charming."

And that is how Clarke starts to piece her world back together.

Chapter 22: Author's Note Chapter Text For those asking about Part 2 of the series....you can find it here: Jump Right In

-H-

Chapter 23: WILD (Bonus Scenes) Summary:

"We're alike, you and I two blue hearts locked in our own minds. So can we make the most out of no time, can you hold me, can you make me leave my demons & my broken pieces behind?" WILD // Troye Sivan ft Alessia Cara Or: The night spent at Abby's before they left for Sarasota...

Chapter Text It's after 1 AM and Raven and Layne have already retired for the evening leaving Lexa and Clarke in the living room while Abby sleeps soundly in her room at the opposite end of the house. They'd been watching Hemlock Grove on Netflix, discussing the change in actresses playing Shelley as well as Lexa's obvious crush on Letha Godfrey. They both agreed on their attraction to Kaniehtiio Horn, the actress playing Destiny, and they spoke in 'hypotheticals' when confiding that it might be 'kinda rad' to be a werewolf - with the exception of the whole 'eating your own shed skin' thing. They're debating trying to find something to help them wind down a bit when the brunette takes notice of the blonde reaching directly from the popcorn bag to grab the remote. "Clarke, get your greasy popcorn hands off the remote," Lexa scolds, playfully. "Relax, dick, is just butter for fuck's sake. You can't handle butter?" "It makes the buttons slip and stick," the girl challenges, throwing in a smirk with her next jest. "Plus....it makes the remote smell delicious and having to fight my attraction to an inanimate object is frightening, honestly." "Oh, I see, so popcorn butter does it for ya, huh?" the blonde teases. "Am I gonna have to worry about sharing a couch with you tonight?" "Not if you wash your hands. Oh, and brush your teeth. And maybe take that shirt off....I mean, not like that, but like-you have popcorn crumbs and-" "You're seriously going to pretend you weren't just staring at my tits?" Clarke arches her eyebrow, daring the brunette to deny it. "I....well, you.....you have a nice rack, what do you expect??" Lexa argues. "What kind of lesbian - nay, what kind of human being - would I be if I didn't give those works of art the attention they so greatly deserve? I make no apologies." "Good save, but don't be expecting an opportunity to motorboat these bad-boys or anything," the blonde warns, gesturing towards chest. "Of course, because breasts that beautiful are practically an endangered species. They have to be protected. Can't entrust them to just anyone..." "You've never seen my breasts, Charming," she corrects her. "True but I'm an optimist with a great imagination.." Lexa says, offering her a wide grin. "Perhaps I'll see them in my dreams tonight-"

"Shut your mouth and grab those blankets, ya nasty," Clarke directs her towards the stack of comforters and throws she'd gathered and placed on the chair by the fireplace. "We seriously need to get some sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day." "You just wanna touch me under the covers," the brunette jokes, before adding, "Show me your tatas and I might let you.."

***

"Are you still awake, Clarke?" They'd been laying in silence for almost an hour, surprisingly, and neither of them had fallen asleep. They'd argued for the first 15 minutes of sharing the couch - Lexa blamed Clarke's feet for her discomfort and Clarke retorted with her comparison of the brunette's legs to that of a giraffe, saying 'Your legs take up more space than my entire body, fucker, so stop complaining about where I stick my feet.' The next little tift was all on the blonde and her inability to sleep 'squashed into the back of the couch' which led to Lexa lifting her legs and maneuvering them so she could scoot to the inside and set the blonde's legs back down on the outside edge of the couch mumbling 'Happy now, Princess?' when she came to a rest. Finally, they'd both gotten comfortable and Clarke was almost asleep - the fastest she would have been able to fall asleep in over a month when she heard the brunette's voice. "Yeah, I'm awake," she replies, quietly. "What'sa matter? You can't sleep?" "No..." came the timid response. "We can do what Raven and I do when we can't fall asleep..." Clarke suggests. "I already told you I'd need to bare witness to your ample bosom before I'd even consider letting you fondle me, Clarke.." she says, her leg nudging the side of the blonde's boob. "HEY!! Respect my chest, pissant!" "Pissant??" Lexa asks with a giggle. "What is a pissant?" "Well, it's an ant but...actually it's also used as a way of calling someone 'contemptible' or 'irritating' so-Whatever, look, quit changing the subject," the blonde rights herself, "You need to watch how you talk to me or I'll get up and go to my room and leave you on this couch all by yourself.." "I'm sorry," the girl apologizes. And it sounds so sincere all of a sudden, so shy and regretful and Clarke can't help feeling like she shouldn't have made such a dumb threat. "Hey, I'm not really going anywhere," she says, reassuringly. "I was just kidding. I'm actually kind of scared of the dark....and I don't sleep very well alone..."

"Me either," Lexa admits. "Indra was talking about getting me a dog to sleep with me.....they do that for like....Vets with PTSD, ya know?" "What kind of dog would you want?" "A wolfdog, definitely." the brunette answers without much thought. "Of course. God, that's so extra," Clarke chuckles. "Extra what?" "Ha, Extra everything," the blonde explains, stifling her laugh. "It's an expression. For someone who is so....just.....extra. Fuck, I don't know how to explain it. Like....over the top. Excessive." "Ahh. So wanting a dog makes me extra?" "No, wanting a wolf dog hybrid makes you extra," she informs her. "Anyways, moving on - What would you name it?" "I don't know. I'd have to see what name fit, first," the girl starts, "but I like the idea of the name Rafe if it was a male.." "Okay, even I have to admit that's some next-level badassery, there," Clarke praises. "I can totally picture your dog right now. It makes me wish my sketchpad wasn't packed up...I'd draw him for you.." "Tomorrow?" Lexa suggests, and her excited tone makes the blonde want to do this for her all the more. "I mean....if you really want to..." "Tomorrow. Deal. Now let's discuss your choice in tunes. As an audiosexual, I believe a person's music taste says a lot about them and I'd like to get to know you before I sleep with you.."

***

At first she's not sure what pulled her from her slumber, but then she feels the brunette moving and she hears the whimpers coming from the other end of the couch. She waits a minute, trying to come up with a way to not make this as awkward as she thinks its about to be and then she hears the girl cry out. It's not really words, nothing she can make out anyway, but the obvious distress is enough to shake her. She doesn't waste any more time, sitting up and moving so that she's behind the girl, laying with her chest pressed against her back as her arm slides up under the brunette's - a pale hand reaching up to grasp the muscle above her collarbone and pull the girl back into her. Her face falls to the crook of Lexa's neck, lips brushing against her ear, as she comforts her. "It's okay, Lexa," she tells her. "I'm here with you. You're not alone."

Their legs tangle together and she feels the brunette's hand reach up to hold hers in place. Eventually she falls quiet, her gentle sobbing stops, and Clarke falls asleep pretending this is two months ago and she's just taking advantage of a rare opportunity to play the 'big spoon'.

***

Somehow, Clarke wakes up to Lexa laid flat on her stomach against the couch cushions and her own body laid atop the sleeping girl - weight distributed evenly along the brunette's frame. Her right arm is angled up resting against the fabric of the cushion, under the brunette's arm with their hands clasped together, fingers entwined like they were formed that way. Her head rests on Lexa's left shoulder blade and she can hear the girl's heartbeat as she sleeps - a steady pulse that Clarke finds her own heart falling in line with. She knows how awkward it's going to be if Lexa wakes up with them like this, and thus, as much as she hates herself for doing it, she releases the brunette's hand and carefully rolls towards the edge of the couch - praying not to wake the girl as she tries to fall off as gracefully as possible. After her less than delicate dismount, she allows herself a minute to take in the state of things - the covers long discarded and gathered up along the floor between the legs of the coffee table and the front of the couch. Lexa's shirt is riding up on her back and her shorts have bunched around her thighs from moving in her sleep. Her curls are scattered over the pillow and her face is so peaceful and she's wearing the slightest of smiles that melts the blonde's heart in a nanosecond. She can't imagine waking up to anything better. As they pile into Layne's truck later that morning, she feels her nerves catch up to her. Today is the official start of a new chapter in her life - a new chapter which brings her closer to Lexa, with an opportunity to get to know her, again. She's not sure where it will lead but pulling out of her mom's yard and looking over at the brunette sitting beside her in the backseat - hair loose and framing her face as she watches Clarke from the corner of her eye - she can feel her heart thrashing about like a wild animal in her chest, drunk with the thought of freedom, a chance to be really fucking happy, and the hope for another taste of what she had...

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