When A Girl Wants To Stop Seeing You In The Early Relationship _ Girls Chase.pdf

When a Girl Wants to Stop Seeing You in the Early Relationship By Chase Amante 4 A reader recently brought up a situation in which a girl he'd recently started dating and sleeping with pulled a 180 and announced she'd rather they just be platonic friends. Commenting on my article on dealing with LJBFs ("let's just be friends"), he says:

Early on in a relationship, women may sometimes start to doubt things. If a girl you've been seeing decides to call it quits though, you've got some options.

Hi Chase, Great article! However, I'm having a difficult time identifying which type of LJBF rejection I received in the current situation I'm in. I recently had sex three times with a coworker. We've known each other for two years but only recently started hanging out because she switched projects and no longer worked closely with me. I will try to describe the series of events as clearly as possible. We've hung out 4 times over the span of three weeks. Three times were exclusively at my place (2 of the 3 times we had sex) and the final time we went on a hike. Since we've been hanging out, the girl has been giving me a few signs hinting that she wanted a relationship with me although I never brought it up. First, she told two of her old coworkers that we hooked up. Second, she told me she hadn't had sex all year until we finally hooked up—leading me to believe she's a serial dater. Third, she invited me over to her apartment for breakfast with her sister, her sister's best friend, and the best friend's husband. Since we've only been seeing each other in a sexual capacity for three weeks, I told her I was busy Saturday and could not make the breakfast; however, I suggested that we go on a hike together Sunday which she accepted. The hike was a lot of fun, she has a cool personality and we were able to talk freely with each other. At one point, we sat at this little cove we discovered and made out. Everything seemed fine. However, on the car ride home, when I suggested that we pick a new show to binge watch together this week, the girl said she thinks it's best that we be platonic friends. I was taken by surprise a little and was driving so I didn't really react to this as well as I would have liked. But the conversation seemed off to me in the first place. I figured we were just having fun and keeping things super casual, so there was no need to have this type of conversation. Her response made me believe it was about the sex we had. If I had to describe the sex, I would have to say it was mediocre at best. Mostly due to us getting to know each other. I also think this is compounded by the fact that she knew about the great sex I used to have with an ex-girlfriend of mine and probably had very high expectations. In the car she tried to assure me that this was not the case, that she enjoyed the sex but just didn't feel a spark between us—but at the same time I wasn't hanging out with her to date her so why would there be a spark. Ultimately, this most recent interaction has me confused and left wondering if there is something I can learn from the situation. Any help would be appreciated!

At first this seems a bit puzzling, right? Because we know that usually, once a girl's slept with you two to four times, she's 'converted'; that is, she now views you and her as being in a sexual relationship. You aren't dealing with all these doubts and objections any longer.

Read more: How to Convert One-Time Sex into Regular Sex

Usually it takes only 2-3 times.

Yet sometimes, even past the point of conversion, you'll continue to have to deal with women who are on the verge of ending this connection they have with you. So... what gives? Why do girls want to stop seeing you after they've already gotten together with you?  

EARLY RELATIONSHIP DOUBTS Entertaining women's various doubts in the early relationship is not an uncommon phenomenon. I've dealt with it in every long-term relationship I have, I can tell you. Now, I come in (somewhat deliberately) as a rather difficult guy to date, so it's not a surprise for me. But still I end up dealing with them. I have heard everything from: "I don't think we're looking for the same thing" to "I'm not interested in being your girlfriend" to "You're not the right guy for me" to "I think it's better if we just see each other as friends" When I was younger, these protests would shake me at first, but I'd simply not show it, keep my composure, re-seduce the girl, and her concerns would melt away. Eventually I realized these early relationship doubts are just normal doubts for someone to have on embarking on a new, more committed engagement... especially with someone as unconventional and uncontrollable as me.

At that point, I started to enjoy getting these little protests from girls. She'd say the line, I'd give her a little smile, maybe endorse what she was saying, or maybe just ignore it, and before she knew it we'd be back in bed and she'd be cooing over me again. And this is the right way to handle these doubts. Because her core doubt is not, "Maybe he'd be better as a friend," nor is it, "I don't want to be his girlfriend." Her core doubt is this:

I've just started sleeping with this guy, giving my time and attention and emotions and body to him. But am I really sure I want to keep giving him these things? Nothing you can say will convince her that she wants to keep giving you these things. Do you know what will convince her she wants to keep giving you these things? Getting her to keep giving you these things.  

THE NATURE OF HER OBJECTIONS So what is the nature of the doubts she has? Well, they can be any of the following:

Value: she's doubts your value as a relationship partner for her. Attainability: she doubts her ability to get the relationship she wants with you. Other options: she's comparing you to other guys she could be dating and wondering if one of them might be better (this can be either a value- or an attainability-based objection: either she thinks this other guy might be more valuable a mate than you, or she thinks she has a better shot to get the kind of relationship she wants with him than she does you).

Drama/distraction: in a few cases, you'll find women who are on a path in their lives... either with their studies, or their careers, or their art, or whatever else their current preoccupation may be. And it may just happen that they judge their relationships with you too time- and energy-consuming (due to drama they have with you, or simply the distraction of the relationship) to continue with. Ideally, you want to have an idea about which of these it is... that way you can modify your approach to her, to address this objection, even as you continue to re-seduce her and keep her your girl.  

MASSAGING HER DOUBTS AS YOU RE-SEDUCE For example, if I suspect a girl doubts my value as a relationship partner, then I am going to be sure to be a bit more aloof and get her to chase more as I re-seduce her. I'm not going to be so aloof that I cannot re-seduce her. You do have to actually be seductive and get her back into the sack, of course. But, whenever and wherever possible, I am going to mirror her skepticism in me by behaving skeptical toward her.

Can a woman with an ego, who is sleeping with you, who is taking your penis into her, no matter how beautiful she may be, tolerate the notion that you are skeptical she is really 'all that'? If you were some random guy, perhaps. But if you are some guy she chose and has given access to her body to, and you are still making up your mind about her, it will drive her crazy.

Before: she was thinking about not seeing you anymore. Now: she is focused on re-seducing you.

No woman can tolerate the man she is partnered with, who is flooding her with all these new emotions (and perhaps with his seed), being on-the-fence about her, unable to decide if she's really all that or she isn't. There's a line to walk here: you're not disinterested in her. Yet neither are you sold on her. You are instead potentially convinced, but as yet unconvinced. She must persuade you she really is as good as she thinks/knows she is. What this does is change her focus: from wondering if you are good enough for her, to working to show you she is good enough for you. One of the parties is always chasing. Either you're chasing her or she's chasing you. If you want to hang onto your relationships, you want her to be the one to chase, as much as possible.  

Massaging Attainability Doubts With attainability doubts, you go the other way from value doubts. Whereas with value doubts, you behave in a more aloof, more skeptical way to cause her to switch over into trying to convince you she's the most desirable woman around, with attainability doubts you do the opposite. As you re-seduce a woman who doubts your attainability, you must be romantic. Show her you adore her: She's an incredibly beautiful woman. Her body astonishes you. You adore her personality. You feel so good when you're with her. You don't know how she's doing it, but somehow you find yourself thinking about her even when you're not with her. When you make love to her, do it passionately. Be honest with her. If you fake it, it won't present well. So choose only things that are true. Show her any of these that are actually accurate for you. Then, when you are with her and not having sex with her, be physically affectionate with her, look at her with softness in your eyes, and tell her things you like about her. Your attainability will fix itself. In our reader's situation from the comment above, it appears (based on what I read there) our reader is not sufficiently attainable in the right ways. Yes, he's making himself available to her, and suggesting fun activities... the kinds of things that are a lot of fun to do with platonic friends. However, the sexual/romantic aspect of the relationship is lacking. This girl was expecting passionate sex, didn't get it, and now is being treated like a casual friend with benefits, and doesn't seem to like it. "If this is how it'll be, let's drop the sex/romance aspect, which is just making me feel bad, and stick to only being friends," she seems to say. Remember, even if she's your friend with benefits, women want to feel special. There's no worse feeling for a woman than being around a man she is giving all her body to, yet who views her as just another girl he's hanging out with and shagging.  

Massaging Other Doubts If you focus on coming across as a valuable, attainable man, and you continue to sleep with a woman, she is usually going to set aside her doubts that another man might be better than you. The only time she won't? If you're failing to come across sufficiently valuable to her, or sufficiently attainable (whichever the problem is).

If that happens, figure out what you need to do to increase your value or attainability, and do so. For our other possibility, drama/distraction, if you're a high drama man you may need to tone it down. High drama men are those who are needy or emotional and suck up a lot of a woman's emotional energy managing their emotions in turn. If you can't tone it down, it may simply be the case that this is not the girl for you; if she's busy with other things in her life and doesn't have time for a tumultuous relationship, odds are good you'll be a lot happier with a girl who does have time/desire for that. If you're not a needy or dramatic man though, this usually won't be an issue. Be relaxed around her, keep the relationship chill, stick to having great sex and calm conversations a few times a week, and she'll soon conclude that seeing you is a nice, relaxing escape from her otherwise hectic life -- and one that does not demand too much of her, time- or energy-wise.  

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ... is that you just keep sleeping with her. Allay her value/attainability/distraction doubts by fixing the issue where there is one. But above all, just keep seducing her and keep her going to bed. Women can hit you with all kinds of doubts about whether they really want to continue with you, but so long as they continue with you, you'll be fine. The best way to convince a woman she wants to sleep with you is by getting her to sleep with you. Women are masters at backward rationalization, as you'll recall. If a woman does a thing, she will then look for justification to explain why she did the thing. "Well, I said I wanted to be platonic friends with him, but then I slept with him again anyway. I guess I must really like this guy more than I think." Women, in essence, very often decide their opinions by reviewing their actions.

“Ah... you know... I had my doubts before, but I think it seems clear I really do like this guy.”

Still, do be addressing the doubts as you go: the fewer of these doubts you have to deal with, the fewer objections you'll get that you need to fight your way through. Chase

About the Author: Chase Amante Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

 

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