The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

Written by

Nick & Matt Lang Music & Lyrics by

Jeff Blim


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THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS CAST Jon Matteson - Paul Lauren Lopez - Emma Joey Richter - Ted/Homeless Man/Danny Jaime Lyn Beatty - Charlotte/Nora/Deb/Soldier 1/Colonel Schaffer Corey Dorris - Chorus Member 2/Bill/Another Passerby Mariah Rose Faith - Melissa/Zoey/Greenpeace Canvasser/Alice/Donna/Cop 2/ Rachael/Nurse Robert Manion - Obnoxious Teen/Professor Hidgens/News Narration/Mike/Cop 1 Jeff Blim - Chorus Member 1/Mr. Davidson/Coffee Jerk/Man in a Hurry/Sam/Dan/ General MacNamara/Rod

PROLOGUE A dark stage. Haunting music swells. A jagged METEOR pulsates with eerie, blue light. Mist floods the stage as a mysterious CHORUS slinks on, singing… SONG - THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS CHORUS: The greatest stories ever told,

Have a hero who must be bold.

They learn a sense of right and wrong

And better learn this sense through song!

Musicals tell the impossible.

They emote the philosophical, yeah.

So tonight we’re going to chronicle

A story so astronomical…

The last remaining story to tell…

The guy who didn’t like musicals!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em!

(I mean, what the fuck?)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em!

He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em!

(Yeah, what the fuck?)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em!

In the tiny town of Hatchetfield,

Lived an awful grinch named Paul.

He spends his days surfing the web

And not singing and dancing with us all.

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(Should we kill him? Should we kill him?)

He pines after a cute lil’ barista.

Isn’t that worth a show-stopping fiesta?

But for some damn reason

He won’t join our singing season!

What an ass!

What a dick!

What a cuck!

The guy who didn’t like musicals!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em!

(I mean, what the fuck?)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em!

He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em,

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em!

(Yeah, what the fuck?)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em!

It’s the end of the world, Paul,

If you don’t sing…

This is the bridge, Paul,

Where we globalize everything.

The words will come to you.

We swear we will teach you

What it means to love…

What it means to OBEY, PAUL!

CHORUS MEMBER 1: (shouts with glee) The apotheosis is upon us!

CHORUS: Yay!!!!!

(singing)

Did ya’ hear the word?

What’s the word?

He’s a’comin’!

Who’s a’comin’?

Paul’s a’comin’!

Paul’s a’comin’?

The star of the show!

Now for his headlining entrance.

Time to swoon at his leading man essence.

His name is in the title.

He’s destined to go viral.

Here he his!

His name is Paul!

Enter now!!! (the chorus all point jazz hands stage right, awaiting Paul’s entrance; he doesn’t show; after a beat, one Chorus member turns to the rest…)

CHORUS MEMBER 1: Where the fuck is he? (the rest of the Chorus shrugs)

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CHORUS MEMBER 2: I don’t know… (another beat; no Paul, so the chorus jumps back into the song…)

CHORUS: The guy just doesn’t like musicals!

Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, doesn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!

Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, doesn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?

(I mean, what the fuck?)

Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, does not like like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something. Paul, you piece of shit!

He’s the guy who didn’t like musicals!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?

(Yeah, what the fuck?)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul, You piece of shit!

He definitely won’t like this!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!

Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?

(What the fuck, Paul?!)

Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em/ You gotta believe in something, Paul, You piece of shit!

Lights out on the chorus, then immediately…

SCENE 1 Lights up on an OFFICE. Mundane. Entirely unremarkable. In his cubicle, PAUL plucks away at his keyboard. His coworker, CHARLOTTE, does the same at her neighboring desk. After a good twenty seconds of dull office ambience (typing, coffee sips, Xerox machines), BILL pops his head over the partition to Paul’s cubicle… BILL: Hey, Paul.

PAUL: Yeah?

BILL: I was trying to print something. I think I mighta sent it to your printer.

PAUL: Uuuuhhh… (Paul flips through his printer tray, finding Bill’s paper) Yup. (Hands it to Bill) Just remember. You wanna print from the HP LaserJet. Not the HP InkJet.

BILL: Right. Sorry, Paul.

PAUL: It’s fine. (Bill sits back down. Mr. Davidson enters.)

MR. DAVIDSON: Hey, Paul. Could you get those reports on my desk by the end of the day?

PAUL: Yes, Mr. Davidson.

MR. DAVIDSON: Great. (He exits. Another sizable beat of nothing. Melissa enters.) MELISSA: Hi, Paul!

PAUL: Hey, Melissa.

MELISSA: You signing up for the company softball league?

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PAUL: No.

MELISSA: Might be fun.

PAUL: Yeah… I don’t want to though.

MELISSA: Ok. Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by the end of the day.

PAUL: Will do. (disappointed, Melissa leaves. Paul clears his throat) Cough. Cough. (Suddenly Charolette’s phone RINGS.)

CHARLOTTE: (She answers it…) CCRP Technical. This is Charlotte. How can I help you? (beat) Hi, Sam! How are things down at the precinct? (beat) Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Well, my day’s been… uh… uh huh. (beat) Well, how late? (beat) But, honey, it’s the twelfth of the month. (beat) What do you mean ‘so what?’ Silly goose. It’s, ya’ know… cuddle-night. (beat) Sam, you know the counselor said we should do it at least once a month. (beat) But, honey, we skipped last month. (beat) Well, you don’t think I’m tired too? Maybe tomorrow night then? (beat) No, you’re right… We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is. Maybe we could make a night of it. Do mini-golf or somethin’. (beat) Well, I’ll pay for it. Alright, well, have a good night. Be safe. And Sam, I love… Sam? (She hangs up, sits in silence for a bit, then smiles at Paul.) That was Sam. He’s doing just fine. (Paul politely nods) Counseling’s working out well.

PAUL: Good.

CHARLOTTE: Yup. It sure is. (She reaches into her purse, pulls out a pack of cigarettes and is about to light up…)

PAUL: Charolette, you can’t smoke in here.

CHARLOTTE: Oh… I didn’t even realize! (Without noticing, she takes a flask from her purse and downs the contents. Paul goes to take a sip of coffee but sees his cup is empty.)

PAUL: (getting up) Well, I’m gonna go grab some coffee down the street. Anyone wanna come? Bill?

BILL: I can’t. I gotta keep refreshing this website. I got Alice for one more night before she goes back to Clivesdale. See, her mother, just to make me look small, took her all the way to New York to see ‘Hamilton’…

PAUL: Ugh.

BILL: …And she loved it. So, to show my ex-wife that two can play at that game, I’m on Hot Tix right now, and the second more become available, I’m getting tickets for tonight. Cause guess what, Paul. It’s finally here, at the old Starlight Theater in downtown Hatchetfield… The touring production of ‘Mama Mia!’

PAUL: Yeah. (sarcastically) She’ll like that just as much as ‘Hamilton.’

BILL: It’s a musical! Hey, you wanna tag along? Alice would get a kick out of it. Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school?

PAUL: Yeah…

BILL: She thinks you’re cool. Maybe you could talk me up. Tell her her old dad’s pretty cool too.

PAUL: Uhh…

BILL: I’d appreciate it.

PAUL: Bill, no. Sorry.

BILL: You got other plans?

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PAUL: No.

BILL: So you would rather do nothing than come with us to see Mama Mia?

PAUL: Bill, I would rather do anything than go see Mama Mia. The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical… That is my own personal hell.

BILL: What’s wrong with musicals?

PAUL: I just… don’t like them.

BILL: But you like me! I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re gonna leave me hanging?

PAUL: Yeah… Sorry. But hey! I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s! My treat. What do you want?

BILL: I just want my daughter back.

PAUL: How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothin’ better! (He leaves Bill to wallow in misery, but before he can reach the door, TED slides into his path on an office rollingchair. Ted wears a bluetooth headset, and obnoxiously chews gum while squeezing a stress ball.)

TED: You goin’ to Beanie’s?

PAUL: Yeah.

TED: You didn’t invite me.

PAUL: Sorry, Ted. (a beat) Do you wanna come?

TED: No, no. I don’t wanna show you up.

PAUL: What do you mean?

TED: (holds up his finger) One second, Paul. (speaks into his headset) Ok, so it’s still not responding? Tell me what you see on the screen right now. (he takes the headset off and turns back to Paul) I know why you walk the extra block instead of just going to the Starbucks across the street.

PAUL: (lying) I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain…

TED: Uh huh. Uh huh. You sure it doesn’t have something to do with that cute, little barista over there?

PAUL: That’s not the reason…

TED: The ‘latte hottay,’ as she is known throughout the land.

PAUL: Alright. Bye, Ted. (He pushes past Ted and exits.)

TED: (calling after Paul) Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh?!? Eh… (pulls the headset back on) Ok, that sounds like a problem with your router, so I’m gonna transfer you to operations. (beat) Yup, the people who sent you here. (He rolls off. Lights down…)

SCENE 2 Lights up on BEANIE’S, the coffee shop down the street. Various patrons sit at tables, reading and working on laptops. Paul enters and gets in line behind the COFFEE JERK. Behind the counter is a barista named EMMA…

EMMA: Hi there. How can I help…

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COFFEE JERK: (interrupting her) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup, ten pumps of frappe roast, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle, with whip on top?

EMMA: Sure. (punches it in) That’ll be $5.50.

COFFEE JERK: Jesus. Fine. (He forks over a $10 bill. He drops a dollar of his change into a tip jar. On the jar is a sign that reads: “Tip for a song!” Emma pretends not to see the tip and prepares the order.) Hey!

EMMA: Yes?

COFFEE JERK: I just tipped you.

EMMA: Oh! Well, thank you.

COFFEE JERK: Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says, ‘Tip for a song.’

EMMA: Yeah. That’s a new thing. The owner went to a Cold Stone Creamery the other day, saw the whole singing thing, brought it here. But, you know… there’s a line, and people come here to work. I don’t want to disturb anyone…

COFFEE JERK: I don’t care. I gave you a tip.

EMMA: Ok, well did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole?

COFFEE JERK: Fine. I’ll take it back then.

EMMA: Oh no! What am I gonna do without that dollar I have to split with five other servers?

COFFEE JERK: You know what, I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s bullshit! (He grabs his coffee, his dollar, and storms out. NORA, the owner, sees the commotion and corners Emma.)

NORA: Emma. What’s the deal over here? EMMA: That guy just freaked out on me for practically no reason. (A nearby OBNOXIOUS TEEN chimes in to throw Emma under the bus.) OBNOXIOUS TEEN: She wouldn’t sing for him. And I still haven’t gotten my hot chocolate! EMMA: Sorry. I’ll get right on that. OBNOXIOUS TEEN: I have low blood sugar! (Emma goes to get the hot chocolate. Nora follows her.) NORA: Emma, I already warned you twice… EMMA: I’m sorry, Nora. It’s just embarrassing, ok? Maybe Zoey is fine with this singing thing because she majored in theater… (ZOEY, another barista who isn’t doing any work, smiles) ZOEY: I think it’s really a fun idea, Nora. EMMA: Why aren’t you working?

ZOEY: (whispering) I’m on vocal rest.

EMMA: What?

ZOEY: (loudly) I’m on vocal rest. (realizes she just screamed) Goddammit, Emma! Now I need a tea with honey. (she exits)

EMMA: (rolls her eyes) Can’t Zoey just do the tip songs? I don’t like it… NORA: You must not like having a job then. In fact, don’t bother coming in for your next shift… EMMA: Wait, wait, wait… I’ll do the songs. Ok?

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NORA: Yeah, you will. Now come on. You got a line. Move your ass. (She exits. Emma returns to the counter, where Paul waits.) EMMA: Hi. Can I help you?

PAUL: Uh… Yeah. I got an easy one for ya. Just a cup of black coffee.

EMMA: Alright.

PAUL: Thanks. (Paul pays, and as Emma goes to make the coffee, he drops a $5 bill into the tip jar.)

EMMA: Jesus. Really? (She sighs and starts to unenthusiastically sing to the tune of ‘I’ve Been Workin’ On The Railroad.’) I’ve been brewing up your coffee. Hip-HipHooray…

PAUL: (stopping her) No, no, no. I don’t need you to sing. I just tipped because, you know… people should tip.

EMMA: (a beat) Thank you. (after a bit, she softens) Cause if I have to sing for it, it’s not a tip, is it? It’s another job piled on top of my already shitty paying job. It’s like, most of my tips are less than a buck. After the split, I’m not even getting twenty-five cents a song. I’m making less than a fucking juke box. Except a juke box doesn’t also have to make coffee for these assholes! (beat) Not that you’re an asshole. Well, you could be an asshole. How much did you tip? (she fishes his tip out of the jar) Five bucks. (touched) Aww. (looks over her shoulder) You specifically meant this for me, right? Like, I shouldn’t have to split this with the others.

PAUL: No, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them.

EMMA: That’s really sweet. (she pockets the $5) I’m just so sick of Nora, and Zoey… who is technically my manager, even though she’s ten years younger than me. She’s hired all her little theater friends, and they will not shut the fuck up about some crappy production of ‘Godspell’ they did last summer.

PAUL: Was that the one at the rec center? I think I had to see that… I did not like it.

EMMA: Yeah! It sucked, right?

PAUL: Yeah, they shouldn’t call it ‘Godspell.’ More like ‘God-awful.’

EMMA: (chuckles) Or ‘God-DAMN-that-was-bad.’

PAUL: Yeah, I do not like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable.

EMMA: Then why do you come to the singing coffee shop? There’s a Starbucks down the street. (she hands Paul his coffee)

PAUL: Yeah, well… some things are worth it. Like… (sips from his cup) damn good coffee.

EMMA: (smiles) I see you in here all the time, don’t I? What’s your name?

PAUL: Paul.

EMMA: Hi, Paul. I’m Emma. (The obnoxious teen returns to ruin the moment.)

OBNOXIOUS TEEN: Excuse me! I’ve been waiting for a very long while!

EMMA: Sorry! (Emma rushes off, back to work.)

PAUL: (calling after Emma) Oh, alright. Well, bye Emma! (He heads for the door.) Sigh. Emma… (Stops and snaps his fingers.) Oh shoot! I forgot Bill’s caramel frappe… eh, fuck Bill. (He exits. Lights down…)

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SCENE 3 Lights up on the STREET outside Paul’s apartment building. Rain drizzles. Wind whistles. A GREENPEACE CANVASSER stands with her clipboard and calls to passersby… GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Hi! Do you have a few minutes to talk about saving the planet?

MAN IN A HURRY: I’m in a hurry. (He keeps his head down, rushing past her. From the opposite direction, ANOTHER PASSERBY crosses.)

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Hi! Can I talk to you about saving the planet?

ANOTHER PASSERBY: No, thank you. (He rushes past. Paul enters and the canvasser calls to him.)

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Hi! Are you interested in saving the planet?

PAUL: Oh… yes. I am. But… I just got off work. I’m heading home…

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: It’ll only take a few minutes… It’s for the planet.

PAUL: Uh…

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: I just wanna talk to you about how you can help contribute to Greenpeace’s efforts around the globe…

PAUL: Oh! Greenpeace? You know what, I’m actually already signed up with you guys. (he lies, confidently) I already give.

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Oh! How generous of you! So you know about our campaign to save the sea turtles?

PAUL: Yep. I’ve been gettin’ the emails. Been reading all about it.

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Oh yeah? About the campaign that doesn’t exist? The one I just made up? (Paul stares blankly, caught in his lie. He licks his lips.) You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you?

PAUL: (a beat) Yyyyou know that money you’re raising? You know how much of that actually goes to the turtles?

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: None. I just made that up…

PAUL: That’s right, none! It goes to line the pockets of some corporate big-wigs! I give my money directly to people who need it. (He passes a HOMELESS MAN who holds out a cup.)

HOMELESS MAN: Spare change?

PAUL: Sorry, I don’t have anything. (The Canvasser calls after him.)

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Yeah. You’re a real humanitarian.

PAUL: And you come on a little strong with that whole ‘save the planet’ bit. As if I’m gonna do that single handedly… (suddenly there is an ominous CRASH OF THUNDER and a FLASH OF LIGHTNING; the wind picks up as Paul looks to the sky; through gathering storm clouds, he just barely make out an approaching… something) What… is… that? (Another CRASH of thunder; Lights down on Paul as lightning flashes on Charlotte, who stands looking out the WINDOW of a DARK APARTMENT…)

CHARLOTTE: Heavens to betsy! That’s some kinda storm out there. I hope Sam’s alright. (From the shadows, a shirtless Ted approaches her, smoking a cigarette)

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TED: Fuck Sam. Come back to bed.

CHARLOTTE: Alright, Ted. But this has to be the last time.

TED: Sure, Charlotte. Just like last time was the last time. If you don’t like what we’re doin’ here, there’s the door. Go on. Let Sam rip your heart out… (Another CRASH of thunder as lights go down on Charlotte and come up on Emma on the STREET outside Beanie’s; she locks up the shop and walks out into the rain…)

EMMA: Oh great. This is the cherry on top of a perfect day. (she pulls a newspaper from her bag and holds it over her head; she notices Zoey standing on the corner, texting under her umbrella) Zoey, do you need a ride?

ZOEY: Um, in your shitty car? Sorry. I’d rather not crash and die.

EMMA: Whatever. (she hurries off; from behind Zoey, a police officer enters; he’s a shifty looking scumbag; he eyes Zoey up and down; this is SAM…)

SAM: (to Zoey) Excuse me, miss. I have a warrant to inspect the junk in your trunk.

ZOEY: You’re such an asshole, Sam… but that uniform’s so fuckin’ sexy. (they embrace; Sam reaches into his jacket)

SAM: Got a little present for ya’ from the evidence locker. (he pulls out a tiny bag of cocaine and hands it to Zoey)

ZOEY: Aww. You know what’ll go perfect with this blow? These two tickets to Mama Mia! (she reveals the tickets; Sam flips)

SAM: No way! You got em! I never miss a musical at the Starlight. If anyones thinks that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my fuckin’ gun. (Sam whips out his gun and waves it around like a maniac; Another CRASH of thunder; Lights go down on Zoey & Sam, they come up on Bill driving in his CAR; he’s on his cellphone; Lightning flashes, thunder claps; BOOM!)

BILL: Holy Hell! It’s raining cats and dogs. You sure you don’t want me to pick you up? (a beat, listening on the phone) Ok… Yes, I got a ticket for Deb. And after the show we’re going to your favorite restaurant… Red Lobster! (beat) I know Deb’s a vegetarian. They got fish! (beat) Vegan?!? But it’s Crab Fest! Alice, you’re killing me! (Thunder CRASHES, lightning FLASHES; Lights come up on Bill’s daughter, ALICE, who sits with a group of teenagers under the bleachers at HATCHETFIELD HIGH; she’s on her cellphone, finishing a conversation with Bill…)

ALICE: Alright, Dad! We’ll meet you at the theater. (one of the teens, DANNY, offers Alice a marijuana cigarette)

DANNY: Take a hit, Alice.

ALICE: I don’t think I oughta. (DEB, Alice’s girlfriend, comes to her defense)

DEB: She doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.

DANNY: That’s not how it works, Deb. You’re either in the Smoke Club, or you’re out!

DEB: Then maybe we’re out. Come on, Alice! (Alice & Deb get outta there; Deb comforts Alice, holding her shoulders) Those guys are assholes anyway… (a CRASH of thunder; Deb looks to the sky at an approaching something) What is that coming through the clouds? (Alice speaks as if in a trance…)

ALICE: “How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn. You have been cast down to the earth. You who once laid low the nations.”

DEB: Alice, what the fuck was that? (Deb shakes Alice out of it)

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ALICE: What the fuck was what? (Thunder CRASHES and the two girls reach for each other in fear; the storm rages; Lights up on PROFESSOR HIDGENS, a zany-looking mad scientist type; he runs out of his secluded CABIN, looks up into the storm and calls back to someone still inside…)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: My god, Alexa, it’s happening! (a jagged meteor breaks through the clouds and barrels towards the earth; Hidgens calls to it) Come on, you bastard! You don’t think I’m ready for you?! I’ve been waiting in the wings! The stage is set! It’s showtime!!! (The storm comes to a climax as eerie music swells and the meteor plummets towards downtown Hatchetfield… CRASH! BOOM! BANG! Lights down…)

SCENE 4 Lights up on Paul’s APARTMENT the next morning. As Paul performs his daily routine (brushing his teeth, tying his tie), the news blares from his TELEVISION SET…

NEWS NARRATION: This is the Hatchetfield Morning News with Dan and Donna.

DONNA: Good morning. Good to be with you. I’m Donna Burshaw. DAN: And I’m Dan Greene. DONNA: They said he wouldn’t make it. That he had fallen from too great a height. But this little guy beat the odds and captured our hearts. Now weighing in at almost ten ounces, Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel, has outgrown his adopted father’s pocket… PAUL: (delighted, toothbrush in mouth) Peanuts!

DONNA: Luckily, proud papa Ed has been squirreling away on his Go-Fund-Me page to build Peanuts his very own, get this Dan, “squirrel-house.” DAN: That’s amazing. DONNA: And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield. This time from outer space. The meteor came crashing into… PAUL: (Paul checks the time on his alarm clock, clicks off the TV, rushes out of the apartment and back onto the street outside. He passes a few people on their way to work, not noticing the musical UNDERSCORING floating through the air; as Paul reaches the corner, he runs into the Greenpeace Canvasser, who happily and creepily bobs up and down to the music, a dopey smile on her face; Paul notices her…) Oh. You again. (he’s about to walk by, but feels compelled to explain his unwillingness to donate the night before) Look, I’m not a bad guy. Ok? I don’t hurt anybody. I try to help when I can. I mean, I’ve given to charities in the past… (he notices her bobbing) What… What are you doing? You got a little dance going on? At least you’re in a better mood than yesterday. What? Did all the sea turtles save themselves? (as Paul starts to laugh at his own joke, the music kicks into gear, and the Greenpeace Canvasser starts to inexplicably sing & dance…)

SONG - LA DEE DA DA DAY GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Just a typical day.

It’s got me feeling

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In a beautiful way!

No rhyme or reason!

We could sing a duet.

Dance a style or two.

Or I’ll make you a bet:

Just a smile will do!

Sometimes I just wanna shout

On top of roofs and mountain tops

That all the world is paved in gold!

Yesterday is retroactive.

Got myself a new perspective.

I strut it up and down the road.

I threw all my worries

And my old skin away!

Doin’ what i want to,

On this la dee da da day!

La dee da da

La dee da da

La dee da da

La dee da da day!

La dee da da

La dee da da

La dee da da

La dee da da day!

(As more people join in the Greenpeace Canvasser’s song, Paul backs away scratching his head)

PAUL: What the fuck was that? (He bumps into the homeless man from the night before)

HOMELESS MAN: Spare change?

PAUL: I’m sorry, I don’t have anything.

HOMELESS MAN: That’s alright… (The homeless man also begins to sing…)

I may not have a home,

But that’s way okay!

I prefer to roam 

The streets all day.

The world is my house!

The dogs are my food (he fishes through a trashcan, pulling out a plastic bag)

Oh, look a new blouse!

And a new trash tattoo!

I used to want to kill them all while high on 

Bath salt zombie drugs

While snacking on a dead man’s face.

That just feels like yesterday,

A song takes all the pain away!

My politics and house-view’s changed…

Dancing on the concrete

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Used to hurt a lot,

But now i got new feet!

And this jam’s just way too hot!

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da Day

La Dee Da Da Day!

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da Day

La Dee Da Da Day! (Thoroughly freaked out, Paul opens his wallet and throws all his money at the homeless man.)

PAUL: Okay, okay! Here take it! (Paul looks around as even more people join in) What? What is this? I’m very confused and concerned by all this. (From behind Paul, the Greenpeace canvasser reappears, jumping into the air, belting…)

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Do you want to save the planet?!? (everyone on the street but Paul answers her)

EVERYONE BUT PAUL: Of course you want to save the planet!

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Do you want to save the planet?

EVERYONE BUT PAUL: Well, there’s just one way you can do it! 

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: By singing a song!

By singing along!

EVERYONE BUT PAUL: La dee da da da da dah dah

Da dee da da da da dah dah

Da dee da da da da dah dah DAY!

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da Day

La Dee Da Da Day!

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da

La Dee Da Da Day

La Dee Da THE DAY AWAY!

La Dee Da Da DAY!

(The number ends with a big finish: people doing flips and lifts and striking poses; Paul runs off, completely bewildered. Lights down…)

SCENE 5 Lights up on the BREAK ROOM at Paul’s office. Charlotte absentmindedly pours too much sugar into a pot of coffee she’s preparing as Bill regales her with a story she’s not paying attention to…

13

BILL: Now I get that Alice is eighteen. She’s a senior. She’s got her own life. But I only get her for one week a month, and now she wants to spend that whole time with her girlfriend. Deb! So I’m trying to make the most of Alice’s last night in town. I say, “Bring Deb! We’ll all go see the show!” And would you believe it? We get there and the whole god-dang theater was exploded! Mamma mia! Huge hole right through the marquee! Can you believe that, Charlotte? (Charlotte stares off, blankly, still pouring sugar into the coffee pot) Charlotte? Hey, Charlotte. I think you got enough coffee in the sugar.

CHARLOTTE: Huh? (She snaps out of her daze and notices her coffee mishap) Oh! Sorry! I’ll make another pot. Coffee in the sugar. Bill, you’re a riot. (as Charlotte starts remaking the coffee, Paul enters) PAUL: Hey, guys. Is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday or something? Like International Music Day? BILL: Not that I know of. PAUL: Ok. Cuz I just saw some people singing… like they were in a musical. There was this homeless man, and this very rude woman from Greenpeace on my street doing this whole choreographed number… TED: Like a flash mob? PAUL: Yeah, I guess. I mean, what else could it have been? TED: Did you get a video of it? PAUL: No. TED: You’re fucking useless, Paul. PAUL: I’ve just have a bad feeling about all this. BILL: Paul, I think you’re making too big a deal outta this because you don’t like musicals, for whatever god-forsaken reason. PAUL: Maybe. Charolette? Have you noticed anything strange?(Charlotte nervously turns to Paul…) CHARLOTTE: Well… (shakes her head) No… it’s silly. Probably nothing. PAUL: What? CHARLOTTE: Well… It’s Sam. My husband. He said he was getting home late last night… TED: He didn’t get home at all! (thinking he’s said too much, he tries to back pedal) I heard… I wasn’t there. CHARLOTTE: He must’ve rolled in around six this morning. He was in the shower when I woke up. I could hear him… singing. And I know this is a strange thing to notice, cuz Sam’s not a bad singer. He’s just always a little… flat. But not this morning. Today he sounded like an angel. And I don’t know why, but… it frightened me. It just didn’t sound like my Sam. I’m probably imagining things. I must sound crazy… TED: What’s crazy is that you’re still with that asshole. PAUL: Charlotte, do you remember what Sam was sining? CHARLOTTE: Oh, just a silly, little song. Something about a La Dee… PAUL: Da Da Day? (Before Charlotte can respond, MELISSA enters.) MELISSA: Hey, Paul. Mr. Davidson wants to see you in his office. PAUL: Oh shoot! I didn’t hand in those reports yesterday! I am gonna get it… (Paul rushes off; Lights down…) 14

SCENE 6 Lights up on MR. DAVIDSON’S OFFICE. Mr. Davidson, Paul’s boss, sits behind his desk. Paul enters, sheepishly… PAUL: Hi, Mr. Davidson. I think I know why you called me in here. My weekly report was not turned in yesterday. Not because it’s not done. It is done. There’s a problem with the printer network, you see. You try to print something out here, it gets sent over there. I bet my report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray. If you give me til the end of the day, I can find it. Not do it. I wouldn’t just not do my statistical analysis. That would really gum things up here in the office, and that’s the last thing I want… (Mr. Davidson leans forwards, and sings…)

SONG - WHAT DO YOU WANT PAUL? MR. DAVIDSON: What do you want, Paul?

PAUL: (speaking) Excuse me?

MR. DAVIDSON: (singing) Tell me what you desire to see.

Your deepest intent, Paul.

What do you see for this company?

I’m looking for someone with strong ambition,

Someone to sell their specific vision,

Someone to share with precise precision

Their thoughts.

Cuz I want you to want to want.

(Pauls looks around for a hidden camera, or some explanation…)

PAUL: Mr. Davidson, am I being punk’d? Is that still a thing? Getting punk’d?

MR. DAVIDSON: So, what do you want, Paul? What’s your one concrete goal that motivates all of your actions?

PAUL: I don’t think I have one of those.

MR. DAVIDSON: Then how’s anyone supposed to sympathize with you, Paul?

PAUL: I don’t know. I’m a regular guy. I want what everyone wants. Money. A partner. Kids, someday, maybe…

MR. DAVIDSON: (singing again) I want you to want, Paul.

A man so vague just can’t be trusted.

Something you pine for?

Maybe someone who keeps you lusted?

I’m just the boss, I’m not an idea guy.

I hire you “Pauls” to keep our stock high,

But if you can’t pin that point that’s in the sky,

Then I need you to want to want.

Do you know what I want for myself?

I’ve waited for so long to tell somebody else.

15

(Mr. Davidson goes to his desk and picks up a picture of his wife, Carrol; he looks at it lovingly…)

Carrol, my wife, you’re my muse my source of light.

Carrol, my love, I want you to choke me out at night.

I want you to choke me.

I want you to choke me.

I want you to choke me

While I jerk off.

I want you to choke me

While i jerk off.

(Mr. Davidson presses the intercom button on his phone.) Melissa, will you get my wife on the phone for me?

PAUL: Oh, Mr. Davidson, I think I should leave.

MR. DAVIDSON: No, Paul. I want you to hear this. If you leave, you’re fired. (He picks up his phone.) Carrol? No. Everything’s fine. Yeah. Uh… I just want to tell you something… Um… (loses his courage) I forgot what it is. Maybe someday I’ll remember. Goodbye. (He hangs up, and sings…)

Paul, now you know what it is to want!

It consumes a man with a passion to drive the primary plot.

So take up yoga or improv classes.

Volunteer at shelters or Twitch to the masses.

There’s gotta be something that’ll keep my hands off you!

Off You!

CUZ I WANT YOU TO WANT!

(As Mr. Davidson climbs onto his desk for a big finish, Paul inches for the door.)

PAUL: Mr. Davidson, I think I’m gonna go get some coffee! Do you want anything?

MR. DAVIDSON: (singing) NO, I NEED YOU TO WANT!

PAUL: How about an iced caramel frap? Nothin’ better!

(Paul runs out. Mr. Davidson passionately hits his final notes.)

MR. DAVIDSON: AND IF YOU DON’T WANT

We’re through!

(As the song ends, Mr. Davidson notices that Paul has gone.) Paul? Paul? (He tilts his head back and belts…) PAAAUUULLL!!! (Lights down…)

SCENE 7 Lights up on BEANIE’S. Paul enters in a panic and approaches the empty counter, frantically talking to himself… PAUL: Okay, okay, okay. This can’t be happening. Get a grip, Paul. You’re hallucinating. Better yet, you’re still dreaming! You need to wake up. You need some coffee. That’s it. A black coffee. (With no one at the counter, Paul desperately calls for service.) Hello? Hello?!? Please, God. I just want a black coffee… (Emma enters singing…) EMMA: Black coffee! I’m you’re coffee gal. 16

Here it comes, nice and hot. It’s your coffee, pal… PAUL: (backing away) No. No… Not you too! Emma, please stop singing! EMMA: (she stops her song abruptly) Sorry, sorry! I’ll stop. I didn’t forget, you’re the guy who didn’t like musicals. Paul, right? PAUL: (composing himself) Yeah… EMMA: Well, if watching people sing makes you uncomfortable, you better find a new coffee shop. (Emma begins making Paul’s coffee.) PAUL: Emma… You’re talking to me… Like a normal person. EMMA: Yeah, and if my boss sees me I’m gonna get canned. New company policy. Not only do we have to sing when people tip, but when they order, when they come in, all the time, I guess! PAUL: Emma, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today. EMMA: Yeah. Fuckin’ tell me about it. I had to spend all morning learning some new dumbass tip song. I’m exhausted. (motions to the coffee she’s made Paul) Do you mind? (takes a drink from it, then hands it to him) That’ll be $3.50. (she holds out her hand for money, but Paul takes it in his) PAUL: Emma, I feel like there’s something sinister infecting Hatchetfield. And I know this is gonna sound crazy… and not very scary. But it is scary if you think about the implications. (grabs her arms) Promise me you’ll think about the implications! EMMA: Ok, I promise. PAUL: Emma, I think the world is becoming… a musical. EMMA: Uh… PAUL: Don’t say anything! Let it sink in. EMMA: Ok. PAUL: Now… Are you frightened? EMMA: (reacting to the mad look in Paul’s eyes) I am starting to get a little frightened… PAUL: You should be! My boss just sang to me in his office, Emma! He wants to choke me… while I jerk off. (As a customer drops a buck into the tip-jar, a bell DINGS. Zoey and Nora pop out of the back room, dopey, dead smiles on their faces.) ZOEY & NORA: Emma! Tip! (Relieved to have an excuse, Emma pulls away from Paul.) EMMA: Oh, thank god. Sorry, Paul. I gotta do that new dumbass tip song. You should probably get outta here. Things are about to get real musical. (Emma takes her place next to Nora & Zoey for the tip song & dance; Paul reaches for her…) PAUL: No, Emma… Don’t! (Emma, Zoey & Nora sing…) SONG - CUP OF ROASTED COFFEE EMMA, ZOEY & NORA: Get your cup of roasted coffee.

Your morning cup of joey.

We make a jamming cup of java

Mocha latte with the froth for ya, Jack!

Frappuccino with the freshly roasted mung beans.

It’s a caramel drizzled mud in a cup!

With a drip, drip, drip drip, drip

17

And we’ll bring it right up!

NORA: Hey, Mr. Business, how do ya’ do?

Can we get a triple for you?

Decaf?!

EMMA & ZOEY: Whaaaaaat?

NORA: Decaf?!

EMMA & ZOEY: Whaaaaaat?

EMMA, ZOEY & NORA: Bi-di bi-di-di bi-di-di bi-di-di

And we’ll bring it right up! Oy! Oy! Oy!

(The girls begin dancing. As they do, they pass out free coffee to all the shop’s patrons, who happily drink it up.)

And we’ll bring it…

And we’ll bring it…

Right, right, right…

And we’ll bring it right up!

(As the number continues, Emma struggles to keep up with Nora & Zoey’s increasingly complicated choreography. Eventually, she’s totally lost and the song’s still going; frustrated, she shouts…) EMMA: Alright, stop! Stop! Really!? A whole ‘nother a-section? When did you guys learn this? (She throws up her arms.) You know what? I’m done! When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold, shitty pastries. If I wanted to be in a musical, I’d be in a damn musical! That’s right. I was in Brigadoon in high school and I fuckin’ killed it. My drama teacher said I should be an actress, but you know what sounded crazy to me even as a dumb seventeen year old? Taking out an eighty thousand dollar loan to get a fucking useless theater degree, Zoey! I’m just trying to make ends meet while I pay my way through community college, and I can do that just as easily down the street at Starbucks. (she pulls off her apron and throws it to the floor) I quit! (She heads for the door, but Zoey & Nora block her path; they sing…) NORA & ZOEY: You can’t quit, Emma. Nothin’ to do… EMMA: (speaking) I sure as hell can. NORA & ZOEY: The song’s so simple! We’ll teach it to you… (they grab Emma’s arms) NORA: Why, everyone here will be singing it soon! EMMA: What are you talking about? ZOEY: They’ve all had their coffee! Their apotheosis will be upon them at any moment! (Customers begin to cough, choke, and convulse violently) EMMA: Zoey, what did you do to their coffee!? (Emma wriggles free from Nora and Zoey; she grabs one of the coffee cups and starts to pour out its contents: a thick BLUE SLIME) Fucking gross! (the customers start keeling over; Nora & Zoey round on Emma, they point at her, tilt their heads back, and belt out piercing high-notes) NORA & ZOEY: AHHHHHH!!!! (soon the customers begin to rise; they, too, point at Emma, throw back their heads, and sing…) CUSTOMERS: AHHHHHH!!! (Emma backs off in terror; Paul rushes to her side) EMMA: Oh my God! Oh my God! PAUL: Emma, you need to come with me. We need to run. Now.

18

EMMA: They’re singing! Why are the all singing!? (Paul guides Emma toward the door)

PAUL: Emma, run! Don’t look back! Just run! (Paul & Emma run from the shop. The mob of singers, led by Zoey, chases them down the street as driving music thumps) The alley! Quick! Emma! In here! (Paul & Emma duck into a nearby alley as their pursuers pass by; Lights down…)

SCENE 8 Light up on the ALLEY. Paul & Emma take cover behind a line of TRASHCANS. EMMA: Oh my god. What the fuck was that?

PAUL: Emma, it’s I like I said… the world is becoming a musical.

EMMA: A fucked up musical!

PAUL: I told you it was scarier than it sounds!

EMMA: You were right! I didn’t think about the implications. Oh god, I didn’t think about it! (She crumples into his arms.)

PAUL: Emma, it’s alright… (Suddenly, Bill pops out from one of the trashcans.)

BILL: No, it’s not alright, Paul!

PAUL & EMMA: AH!

PAUL: Bill!? You scared the shit out of us!

BILL: Well, how am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit out of you?!?

PAUL: I don’t know! Give us a warning or something! (Just then, a loud DONG DONG sounds from within another trashcan.)

PAUL & EMMA: AHHH! (Charlotte emerges from inside that trashcan)

PAUL: Charlotte!

CHARLOTTE: Sorry! I tried to warn you!

EMMA: Who are these people?

PAUL: They’re my friends from work.

EMMA: What are they doing in the trash?

BILL: We had to find a place to hide. Mr. Davidson kept calling people into his office… and they came out singing! We got outta there before he could get to us.

CHARLOTTE: It was the same at the bank, and the butcher’s, and the post office!

BILL: From Pine Grove to Plymouth Street, it’s like the goddamn Music Man!

PAUL: It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s. (Ted pops out of the last trashcan.)

TED: You didn’t invite me.

PAUL: Jesus, Ted!

TED: Shh! Shut the fuck up, Paul! If you wanna stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be quiet! Something’s going on! We don’t know what it is or who we can trust! So, Paul, get in a trash can. (points to Emma) You, beat it!

EMMA: Uh, fuck you?

PAUL: No. Emma stays with us.

TED: I don’t know her!

19

PAUL: Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s… (he whispers) The ‘Latte Hottay.’

TED: (a beat) That’s not the ‘Latte Hottay!’ That’s the crabby one that won’t sing when I tip! You grabbed the wrong one, ya’ noodle! (Just then, police SIRENS blare. Red & blue lights flash as a cop car pulls up to the mouth of the alley.)

CHARLOTTE: Oh, thank god they’re here! (she hops out of her trashcan; she turns to the others to explain) I called Sam. He’s gonna get us outta here! (Sam and two COPS enter; Charlotte rushes to her husband) Sam! Thank God! They’ve gone crazy! Everyone’s gone crazy! (Suddenly, Sam throws up his hand for Charlotte to stop, he rounds on her, and starts to sing…)

SONG - SHOW ME YOUR HANDS SAM: Ma’am, I need you to take a step back!

You're facing the law,

Not the clerk at the Gap.

CHARLOTTE: (speaking) Sam!?

SAM & THE COPS: Yeah, we're cops.

Yeah, we're cops,

So shape on up.

PAUL: (shouting) Get away from him, Charlotte! He’s one of them!

SAM: You better empty out all of your pockets,

But DON'T empty out all of your pockets!

SAM & THE COPS: Yeah, we're cops.

Yeah, we''re cops,

And we make sense.

Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!

Get 'em up, or you'll end up in cuffs.

Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!

Or I might be inclined to shoot you up.

SAM: You go 40 in a 35.

Check your mirror.

You’ll find hell has arrived.

SAM & THE COPS: Yeah, we're cops.

Yeah, we're cops.

We're up in your shit. (Cop 1 listens to his walk talkie, then reports)

COP 1: Kathy lost her cat in a tree.

SAM: Contact Fire, not the HFPD!

SAM & THE COPS: Cuz we’re cops.

Yeah, we’re cops (Cop 1 listens to the walkie talkie again, then updates them)

COP 1: Her cat is dead.

SAM & THE COPS: Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!

Get 'em up, or you'll end up in cuffs.

Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!

Or I might be inclined to shoot you up.

20

SAM: (into a megaphone) Step away from the vehicle.

Step away from the vehicle.

Get back in the vehicle.

Get back in the vehicle.

Slowly get out of the vehicle.

Slowly get out of the vehicle.

Do the things I say. I'm a cop.

SAM & THE COPS: Step away from the vehicle/Get those hands up!

Step away from the vehicle/Get those hands up!

Get back in the vehicle/Put those hands down!

Get back in the vehicle/Put those hands down!

Slowly get out of the vehicle/Get those hands up!

Slowly get out of the vehicle/Get those hands up!

Do the things I say/Up down.

SAM: I'm a cop!

911 emergency call.

Got a 411 at a shopping mall.

Better pack your heat and utility belt.

Any mall rats comin’ in hot, they melt.

COP 1: Sarge, it’s your wife on 911.

COP 2: What that lady want, Doug?

COP 1: She just wants a snug.

SAM: Grab your 9 millimeter and donut bucket.

Want my badge number?

SAM & THE COPS: Put it in your mouth and suck it!

(Charlotte approaches Sam, pleading…)

CHARLOTTE: Sam, please stop this! I’m your wife! Please just talk to me!

SAM: Charlotte… (For a moment, he looks at her with recognition… But then he pulls his gun and sings.) Show me your hands,

Show me those jazz hands!

Get 'em up or you'll end up in cuffs!

Show me your hands,

Show me those jazz hands!

Or I might be inclined to shoot you up…

(As Sam advances on Charlotte, gun drawn, Ted leaps out of hiding and bashes Sam over the head with a trashcan lid; Sam falls to the ground, blue ooze spilling from the wound; Charlotte quickly grabs Sam’s gun and turns it on the other cops)

CHARLOTTE: You better stay back! Get away from us! Just leave us alone! (The cops run off, making alien noises; Charlotte runs to Sam and holds him in her arms) Sam! Oh my God! Oh my God! His head’s open!

TED: I had to do something! (Ted drops the trashcan lid. Charlotte picks up a handful of chunky, blue goo from Sam’s head.)

CHARLOTTE: His brain fell out!

TED: Well, put it back in then!

21

CHARLOTTE: I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor!

TED: That’s not his brain, Charlotte. Look at it. It’s fuckin’ blue!

CHARLOTTE: How would you know?!? You’re not a doctor either! We need a doctor! We need to get to the hospital! (Emma kneels beside Charlotte and takes her hands.)

EMMA: Listen. Sweetie. Charlotte, was it?

CHARLOTTE: (in a state of shock) I’m Charlotte.

EMMA: We need to get out of downtown. Downtown is fucked. The hospital is downtown. We can’t go there.

CHARLOTTE: But Sam… He needs help. (Emma paces, thinking out loud.)

EMMA: Okay, okay. I got it! I know where to go! I have a kooky, reclusive biology professor at my community college… Professor Hidgens! I’m his favorite student because I brought him groceries once! He’ll let us hide out in his house on the edge of town! (turns to Charlotte) He’s got a doctorate. That’s kinda like a doctor. He can help your husband, probably. (turns back to the group) And did I mention, he’s like a genius scientist? He’s got a laboratory, and security, and his whole house is like a panic room. He’s like a… I don’t know. What do you call a guy who lives in a fortress?

TED: A king.

EMMA: No! He’s a doomsday survivalist. Thinks the world’s ending. Spent the past twenty years getting ready for the apocalypse!

CHARLOTTE: Is that what this is? The apocalypse? Maybe we should go to a church.

TED: We’re all different denominations, Charlotte! We can’t split up! I’m a Presbyterian! There’s no way I’m dying in your dirty-ass Methodist church! I say we go to the panic room and beg for the king’s help! (Paul kneels beside her and puts a hand on Charlotte’s shoulder.)

PAUL: Charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to the professor.

EMMA: But we gotta go now. We’ll take the squad car. (Emma takes Charlotte off. Paul reaches for Sam, calling to Bill & Ted.)

PAUL: Come on guys. Help me with him. (Paul takes Sam’s arms and Bill grabs his legs. As they carry him off, Bill yells to Ted, who looks at the pile of chunky, blue goo that fell from Sam’s head)

BILL: Ted! What are you doing? You’re just gonna leave his brain on the floor?!?

TED: We’ll get him a new one at the lab! I am not touching that! (They exit. Lights down…)

SCENE 9 Lights up on the STUDY of Professor Hidgens; the news blares from the television; as the professor wildly darts about, grabbing beakers and various scientific equipment, he half watches the tv and half yells at it… NEWS NARRATION: This is Hatchetfield Action News with Donna Burshaw & Dan Greene.

DONNA: What began as a series of isolated incidents has escalated into what some are calling a “musical riot.” 22

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God, it’s spreading faster than I theorized.

DONNA: Despite several reports of violence, the Hatchetfield police have assured channel 9 that there is no cause for alarm.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Because they’re part of it, Donna!

DAN: Nevertheless, our skittish neighbors in Clivesdale have declared a state of emergency, raising the Nantucket Bridge.

DONNA: With the ferries down for the season, and no accessible means off the island, Hatchetfield citizens are advised to stay indoors…

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Like fish in a barrel. Of course the outside world is no help. It’s up to us now, Alexa! (The professor’s stage business is interrupted as his intercom system BUZZES; Professor Hidgens clicks off the TV and pulls a revolver from his pocket. He cautiously approaches the intercom and presses a button to respond.) Who is it? (Emma’s voice comes through the intercom)

EMMA: Professor Hidgens!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Don’t lie to me, whoever you are! I’m Professor Hidgens!

EMMA: Professor, it’s me, Emma Perkins! The whole town’s gone crazy! I didn’t know where else to go!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Emma?!? You came to the right place! Hold on! I’ll let you in! (he calls out to an Amazon Echo next to the tv) Alexa, open the gates! (the Echo lights up; in the distance, mechanical noises CLANK; Hidgens opens the door of the study and eventually Emma and the rest of the gang rush in, Paul and Bill carrying Sam)

EMMA: Thank you, Professor! These are my friends. Paul and… them. (they nod to Hidgens) We came from downtown. I know it sounds crazy, but everyone’s…

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Singing? And dancing? Like they’re in a musical? They want you to join them, and once they get you, you’re a part of it?

EMMA: How did you know?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I theorized this very scenario thirty years ago.

PAUL: (beat) Really?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Really.

PAUL: Like, exactly this?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Exactly.

PAUL: That the world would become a musical?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You better believe it.

PAUL: (beat) How?!? Did you just pull that outta your ass? I mean, it’s amazing…

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I know! A little credit would be appreciated! You can’t imagine how I was ostracized by the academic elites. I was a research scientist once, specializing in rare infectious diseases. I had, some would say, an unhealthy obsession with a particular unexplained phenomenon from the 1400’s. Saint Anthony’s Fire, some call it. Others call it the Dancing Plague. Entire towns would break into fits of madness. Uncontrollable spells of song and dance… I swear I’m not making this up. I urge you all, in your free time, to look it up on Wikipedia. It’s quite a read… The widely accepted theory is that these poor souls were suffering from ergot poisoning, but my research led me to believe… otherwise. In the middle ages, the Catholic Church was quite adept at stamping out these outbreaks, but imagine if some kind of musical plague were 23

unleashed on a modern city. With our dense populations. Our rapid means of transportation. My god… it would be unstoppable.

CHARLOTTE: So that’s what’s wrong with Sam? He’s got the plague?!?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here!

TED: I told you we shoulda left him in that alley!

CHARLOTTE: You’re a monster, Ted!

TED: No! (points to Sam) He’s the monster!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Calm down, all of you! It’s alright. (Hidgens leans down and inspects Sam’s unconscious body) Providence has brought him to me. Quickly, bring him here. Tie him to this chair. (He leads them all to a specialized chair with leather straps on the arms. The professor, with Bill & Paul’s help, ties Sam down. They secure the restraints with a lock & key.) Make sure he’s secure. For his safety and ours. There’s no telling what would happen if he were awake and loose. (he takes the key to Sam’s restraints and hands it to Charlotte) Here. I see no danger entrusting this to you. (he turns back to Sam’s body, solemnly) I’ve been preparing for this day for decades. Now all the answers are in front of me, if only I have the wits to decipher them. (he dips his fingers into the open wound on Sam’s head; he pulls out a glob of thick, blue slime, like from the coffee cup in Beanie’s; he holds it for Emma to inspect as well) Tell me, Emma. What on Earth does this look like to you?

EMMA: I don’t know. Some kind of… blue… shit?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: My thoughts exactly. What the fuck is this shit?!? I’ll tell you what on Earth it looks like… Nothing. You all remember the meteor from last night. I dare say it carried a deadly cargo: A contagious pathogen… of cosmic origin.

BILL: Wait a second, Doc. Don’t tell me you’re talking about… aliens.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Why is that so hard to believe? Think of all we take for granted now that was once foretold in the pages of Bradbury and Asimov! Look no further than my robot assistant, Alexa. (he motions to his Amazon Echo) Once confined to the realm of science fiction, she is now science fact. Alexa, dim the lights. (the lights dim slightly) Extraordinary. Twenty years ago I would’ve had to walk all the way to the dimmer. (he walks five steps to the dimmer and turns the lights back up) As unbelievable as that or this outbreak may seem, seeing is believing. The question is no longer “can this be happening?” but “how do we fight it?” I’ve got to get this blue shit under the microscope and see if I can’t find what makes these bastards tick! PAUL: Sorry, Professor. This is a lot to take in. You have anything to take the edge off? Like a drink or something? (Hidgens turns to him, almost offended)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Young man, I have spent the past twenty-seven years stock piling the bare essentials for human survival in the event of a world-ending cataclysm… You bet your ass we got booze. Follow me. (Hidgens leads them out of the study; Paul, Emma and Bill follow; Charlotte stays behind, looking at Sam, worried sick; Ted approaches her from behind and places a gentle hand on her shoulder…)

TED: Come on, Charlotte. I’ll make you a drink. We can relax. Talk. Fuck. (she whirls around and slaps his hand away)

CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this! The world could be coming to an end!

24

TED: Hey, if I’m gonna die, I wanna go out doing what I love. Screwin’ around with another man’s wife.

CHARLOTTE: Ted, you’re such a horny bastard! (she goes to slap him, Ted catches her arm)

TED: Always have been. Always will be.

CHARLOTTE: And you know that’s why I can’t resist you! (they embrace passionately) Umm… (suddenly Charlotte stops and pushes Ted away) Wait! No! Ted, my husband’s brain fell out today! If I can’t be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I?

TED: I don’t know, Charlotte. I’m not your therapist. Maybe you should go back to fucking him. I know that’s why you actually went to counseling!

CHARLOTTE: That’s not the only reason! I wanna make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

TED: That guy’s a worthless scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleaze-ball (points to himself), but you refuse to be happy. You know what, Charlotte? I’m done. Stay here with your dying marriage and your dying husband. I’m gonna go hit on that crabby barista. (he storms out; Charlotte reaches after him)

CHARLOTTE: Ted… (he’s gone) Oh god… (She looks to Sam, then reaches into her purse and takes out a pack of cigarettes; She lights up and leans on the bookshelf; She looks up and clasps her hands in prayer.) Oh, God, if you’re up there, you just gotta know… I didn’t want this to happen. I know Sam and I have had our problems. And I know I’ve been so angry with him… But I didn’t want him to die! (she starts to cry) Please, God… Just let him wake up. (Suddenly, Sam’s eyes open and he calls out…)

SAM: Charlotte…

CHARLOTTE: Sam!

SAM: Where am I? Why am I tied to a chair?

CHARLOTTE: It’s for your own safety. And ours. You’re not well, Sam.

SAM: Charlotte. Baby. I’m hurt real bad. I need a doctor.

CHARLOTTE: I’ll go get the professor… (She turns to go…)

SAM: No! Those people left me here to die! Only you can help me, Charlotte. Just untie me and we’ll get outta here… together.

CHARLOTTE: I don’t think I oughta do that, Sam.

SAM: Charlotte, baby… Apple of my eye… Don’t you trust me? (Music blares and Sam begins to sing…) SONG - YOU TIED UP MY HEART SAM: I’m tied up, Charlotte,

Tied up with you.

You understand me.

Now hand me those keys…

CHARLOTTE: (speaking, clutching the key Hidgens gave her) No!

SAM: …The keys to my youth.

God, we were young once.

Innocent and fun once.

25

And free!

Let go of this grip on me!

You tied up my heart.

You tied me down.

Now break me open

With your love and mercy.

Charlotte!

You’re breaking my heart, Char!

Got my feet to the fire.

Just let me go

And I’ll love you!

CHARLOTTE: (speaking) I can’t, Sam. I love you too, but I can’t let you go. The professor says you’ve been infected with St. Elmo’s Fire…

SAM: (singing) I effed up, Charlotte. Effed up with you.

All the booze and harlots,

And all the Charlottes.

But they didn’t count.

They couldn’t break me.

You’re the one who caged me

In chains…

Please take away my pain!

Charlotte!

Let me hold you again, Char.

Just free up my arms

And i’ll give you a foot massage!

Charlotte!

Will you ever forgive me?

I’ll crawl on my hands and knees

If you untie me, girl,

And free up my heart!

(An unseen chorus joins in)

CHORUS: Heart!

You tied me down.

Now break me open

With your love and mercy.

CHARLOTTE: (speaking) I’m sorry, Sam. I think I’m gonna get the others… (Again, she turns to leave, but Sam calls to her, more desperate than ever…)

SAM: (singing) I think I’m fading fast.

I think you better come quick.

I really don’t want to die alone in here.

Time to say our goodbyes

At the end of the road…

CHARLOTTE: (pleading) Just hang on, Sam. You’ll be alright…

26

SAM: This body’s not gonna last.

The air is cold and thick.

I’m losing my last remaining hope for us.

My hands are tied in knots

And I can’t come home.

I wanna die in your arms in the evening gloam…

(Sam’s strength gives, and he slumps over, apparently dead from his head injury; Charlotte breaks; She unlocks Sam’s restraints; She unties him, pulls him off the chair, and holds him in her arms…)

CHARLOTTE: Sam! Oh god! Sam! What have I done?!? What have I done? (As she bursts into tears, Sam suddenly springs back to life, now free!)

SAM: (singing) Charlotte!

You brought me back from the dead!

My line was in red.

I saw god and he told me, girl,

To free up my heart!

(Sam takes Charlotte in his arms and twirls her as the unseen chorus joins in.)

CHORUS: Heart!

You tied me down.

Now break me open

With your love and mercy…

(As the song ends, Sam and Charlotte stop spinning. He looks at her, ravenously.)

SAM: And now, I’m gonna free up your heart, babe.

CHARLOTTE: Huh? (Without warning, Sam punches his hand into Charlotte’s stomach!)

SAM: RARGH!

CHARLOTTE: AHHHH!!!! (She watches in horror as Sam proceeds to pull her GUTS out of her body.) NONONONONONO!!!!

SAM: (singing an ear-piercing note) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Lights down…)

SCENE 10 Lights up on Professor Hidgens’ PARLOR. Emma sits alone in the corner, Paul silently frets in a chair, and Ted sprawls on a couch clutching a bottle of bourbon. Bill grumpily rummages through the bar searching for something… BILL: He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple with no cherries?!

TED: Jesus Christ, Bill. It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on with a Shirley fuckin’ Temple?

BILL: Well, if it’s as serious as all that then I figure we might need a designated driver!

TED: Oh, so when the cops pull you over you can pass the breathalyzer before they infect you with their nasty, blue shit?!?

27

BILL: If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… (Bill is flustered, clearly not in the habit of making threats.) …do something… to you.

TED: Oh yeah, Bill? What are you gonna do?

BILL: I’m gonna… (He tries to come up with something clever and menacing, but eventually blurts…) Kick your… head.

TED: Oh. You’re gonna kick my head? Not my ass?

BILL: Yeah!

TED: Alright, let’s see it! Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I wanna see you kick above your waste! Show me that round-house! Show me that sweeping crane kick your Kung Fu master taught you! (Bill and Ted look ready to go at it, but Paul intervenes.)

PAUL: Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head.

TED: Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught me…

PAUL: Ok, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over he’d say “ass.”

TED: Uh-uh. You wanna take out a snake? You cut off its head. Where’s the fish rot from? The head. Take out the head, and the whole thing goes down. That’s why a fisherman always goes for… the head! (He mimes a karate chop at Bill. Bill slaps his arm away.) OUH!

PAUL: Gimme… (Paul grabs the bottle of bourbon from Ted.) You’ve had enough of this, Ted. This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other!

TED: Whatever. (Ted heads back to the couch.)

BILL: (taunting) Yeah, that’s right. Walk away.

PAUL: (to Bill) Just… cool it. (Paul takes the bourbon and goes to sit by Emma. He pours her a glass.)

EMMA: Why the fuck did I come back here?

PAUL: Here? (referring to the parlor) To… drink? (He hands her the glass of bourbon.)

EMMA: Back to Hatchetfield. (She takes a long drink.) I spent the first eighteen years of my life trying to get outta this place. I shoulda stayed in Guatemala. Sure, they got volcanoes and kudamundis everywhere…

PAUL: What’s a kudamundi?

EMMA: It’s like a little raccoon thing. They get into shit. People hate ‘em. But at least they don’t sing and dance.

PAUL: (pours himself a drink) So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield? Kupamundis? Up in your shit?

EMMA: Naw. It was my sister. Jane. (takes a drink) She was the good one. When she was twelve, she got this Lisa Frank binder where she planned out her whole life, and I swear to God, she stuck to it. Bullet point by bullet point. Job, husband, house, kid. And when one sister is so on top of her game, it almost demands the other become a fuck-up, right?

PAUL: What is ying without yang?

EMMA: That’s how I saw it. She was off, doing life. And I was doing… something else. Backpacking, mostly. Surfin’ couches. Bummin’ around. Jane would invite me back 28

home every once in a while. For the big events. Wedding. Baby shower. I’d always say, “Sorry, sis. I’ll get the next one.” But when I got the invitation to her funeral, it was like, there is no next one.

PAUL: Oh… I’m sorry.

EMMA: Hey. You didn’t crash into her car. (takes another drink) So I came back for the funeral, and I stayed. It’s weird living in someone else’s shadow. When they’re gone, the light shines on your life for the first time and it doesn’t look too good. There I was. Thirty. No roots anywhere. Except Hatchetfield. So I figure I’ll make something of myself. I enroll in community college to get a degree in botany. Do something my sister would be proud of… I’m gonna start a pot farm.

PAUL: Did your sister… smoke a lot of pot?

EMMA: No. But weed’s the future. Gonna be legal nationwide soon. I’ll bet you any amount of money. Not that it matters anymore. You know, the one thing I’ve been trying to avoid my whole life is dying in Hatchetfield… but here we are.

PAUL: It could be worse… You could be dying in Clivesdale.

EMMA: Fuck Clivesdale.

PAUL: Fuck ‘em. (They toast and drink) You know, all things considered… I like Hatchetfield. Been here my whole life. Born and bred. Never wanted to leave. Still don’t.

EMMA: We’re the same age. How come I never knew you in high school?

PAUL: You probably went to Hatchetfield High. I went to Sycamore.

EMMA: Fuckin’ Timberwolves. We hated you guys.

PAUL: Yeah. We hated ourselves. Our school motto was “Why are there two high schools in this town and how did we end up at this one?”

EMMA: “Hatchetfield Tigers! Fuck yeah!” That was our motto.

PAUL: Yeah, that’s the one the kids still use.

EMMA: Well, if it’s not broke… (Paul thinks for a moment.)

PAUL: So wait… Back at Beanie’s you said you were in your high school production of Brigadoon.

EMMA: (in an Irish accent) I was bonnie Jean.

PAUL: That was 2003, right? I actually saw you in Brigadoon.

EMMA: No shit.

PAUL: Yeah. We didn’t have a theater program at our school, so I guess to make us feel like shit they bussed us over to watch your show. It was the first musical I ever saw… I hated it. That’s probably the start of my whole thing. You’re the reason I don’t like musicals!

EMMA: That’s, like, your origin story.

PAUL: Yeah!

EMMA: I’m like a super villain.

PAUL: I don’t think of you like that at all, Emma.

EMMA: (beat) You know, Paul… (Before she can continue, the doors to the parlor burst open; BOOM! Sam & Charlotte enter, blue goo oozing from their mouths)

TED: Charlotte!?! (Charlotte starts to sing…)

29

SONG - JOIN US AND DIE CHARLOTTE: It is time...

TO DIE!

Sorry to interrupt,

But we got bones to pluck!

The time for subtlety's long past over due.

Death isn’t optional.

In fact it’s optimal.

Time is up and now we go through you!

We tried to convince you with soliloquies,

But now we kill you with more than harmonies…

Just die!

Join us and die.

Join us and die.

Join us and die.

All you gotta do is...

CHARLOTTE & SAM: Join us and die

Join us and die.

Join us and die.

All you gotta do is…

(Charlotte suddenly rushes Ted, grabs his throat, and lifts him into the air…)

CHARLOTTE: Here’s how it’s gonna go:

We’re gonna kick your ass,

And then we’re gonna…

CHARLOTTE & SAM: Fucking kick your ass!

(Charlotte tosses Ted across the room like a rag-doll; she and Sam turn on Paul, Emma & Bill, who back off in terror as Charlotte advances…)

CHARLOTTE: We’re going to puke all that goo

Right in your mouth, where you food.

All your cells we’ll renew and be enhanced!

It’s a deathlike process that you gotta see.

Your own body is your front your seat…

To die!

CHARLOTTE & SAM: Join us and die.

Join us and die.

Join us and die.

All you gotta do is...

Join us and die.

Join us and die.

Join us and…

(Charlotte & Sam rush the other characters and start beating them mercilessly; Charlotte back-hands Emma into the bar; Sam grabs Bill in a choke-hold and punches him repeatedly; Charlotte smashes a chair over Paul’s head…)

Punch it!

30

Squeeze it!

Crush it!

Kill it!

Punch it!

Trash it!

Ruin it!

Light it up!
 (Ted cowers in the corner; Charlotte grabs his foot and drags him to the center of the room; Sam picks up a sharp splinter of the chair Charlotte broke over Paul’s head; he holds it over Ted, ready to plunge it into his chest…)

CHARLOTTE: Here's how it's gonna go…

(Just as Charlotte & Sam are about to kill Ted, Professor Hidgens appears brandishing a shotgun; he shoots Sam, BANG! Sam’s dead body goes flying; Charlotte turns to Hidgens and howls; she leaps toward him and he fires on her, BANG! Charlotte’s dead body falls to the ground…)

EMMA: Professor Hidgens! You killed Charlotte!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Wrong!

PAUL: You shot her!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I shot a charlatan! The Charlotte you knew was gone the moment a note came out of her mouth. After examining that “blue shit,” it didn’t take long to deduce that thing you brought into my home was no longer human, but one of the alien brood, genetically reconstructed from the inside out! They’re wearing our skin to fool us! And that means any one of you could be one of them! So we’re gonna have a little test to find out who’s a musical doppelgänger… I want all of you to sing. Sixteen bars! Right now!

EMMA: Professor, we’re not aliens… (Hidgens readies his shotgun)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Sing the beginning of Moana!

PAUL: What?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Sing, goddammit! (held at gunpoint, the gang starts to poorly and pathetically sing the beginning of the Disney film Moana, which they only kind of remember…)

PAUL, EMMA, BILL & TED: Uh… Moana. Make way! Make way!

Consider the coconut. Consider the leaves.

Our island gives us what we needs…

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: (satisfied, he lowers his gun) Alright, that was terrible. Not a single one of you was on pitch, and that means you’re all human. (he looks to Charlotte & Sam’s dead bodies) These things… their tactic is to hide amongst us, but as their numbers grow they become more bold and, as we’ve seen, violent. We all must be prepared to defend ourselves. So come over here, everyone, and grab a gun. (he leads the rest of the gang to a chest; he unlocks it, pulls out a stockpile of various guns; he starts passing them out) I may have had my driver’s license, my medical license, and my teaching certificate stripped from me years ago, but none of that impeded me from using the internet to purchase an arsenal of military grade weaponry. God bless America. (Just then, Bill’s cellphone RINGS. He answers it.)

31

BILL: Alice? Alice. Oh god, for once in my life, I’m glad your mother left me and moved you to Clivesdale. You would not believe the day I’ve had… (a beat) What? No. No no no… Alice. I watched you get on the bus to Clivesdale this morning… (beat) Got off? Got off?!? To go see Deb?!? Goddammit, Alice! If Deb jumped off a bridge, would you…? (his tone softens) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know you’re scared… (beat) What’s wrong with Deb? She’s doing what? (beat) Alice, listen to me. You stay away from her. You understand? You get far away… No! This isn’t about me not liking Deb! Right now you gotta hide! Where are you? (beat) Ok. You stay there… No. I’m coming to you. (beat) No… don’t say… Everything’s gonna be fine. (beat) No, you got nothing to be sorry about… (beat) I love you too. (He hangs up and starts ripping through the bar.) Gimme… Gimme some water and some bread! Goddammit! I knew we were gonna need a designated driver!

PAUL: What’s happening, Bill?

BILL: It’s Alice. She’s still in Hatchetfield. Shit! I’m taking the car. I gotta get to Hatchetfield High. She’s locked herself in choir room…

TED: And you’re gonna save her?!? (everyone turns to Ted, who looks down at Charlotte’s dead body with tears in his eyes) G.I. Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your way through a city full of singing-zombie-mother-fuckers? Wake up, Bill! She’s already dead.

BILL: (rounds on Ted) Don’t you dare…

TED: You’re gonna get there, she’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna get killed too. That’s what’s gonna happen if you try to go back through downtown.

BILL: Well, what else am I supposed to do?!?

PAUL: (making a realization) Don’t go through downtown. Cut through Pinebrooke.

BILL: What?

PAUL: Pinebrooke. Rich neighborhood. Fancy houses. Huge yards.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: (understanding Paul’s plan) Yes. Avoid densely populated areas.

PAUL: Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you’re in the teacher’s parking lot.

EMMA: (joining in) Yeah. The window to the staff lounge is always open, so they can smoke. Slide in and out. That was my old escape route.

BILL: (overwhelmed) Ok, this a lot of directions, and Pinebrooke is full of one-ways…

TED: Don’t bother. He’s gonna get lost…

EMMA: (to Ted) You are such a fuckin’ creep, you know that?

TED: Oh, I’m a fuckin’ creep? I’m a fuckin’ creep?!? The world has changed, sweetheart. There are no creeps. And there are no heroes. There’s just people who are alive, and people who are fuckin’ dead. And Bill’s daughter… is dead. I’m just saying what we all know is true. Right, Paul? (he looks to Paul for validation)

PAUL: (beat) I know that the chances are slim to nil. And I know that Bill doesn’t know the short-cut… (Paul puts a solemn hand on Bill’s shoulder) Bill, if you go, you’re not gonna make it… (he takes a deep breath) Which is why I’m gonna go with you to get your daughter back.

BILL: Paul, you’d do that for me?

32

PAUL: Hey. (smiles) It’s not like you’re asking me to go see ‘Mama Mia.’ (getting into the spirit, Emma steps forward)

EMMA: Let’s go! We can be there and back in twenty five minutes if we haul ass.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: No, Emma. There’s work to be done here. I have a theory of how these creatures can be stopped, but I’ll need an extra pair of hands in the lab. (Emma nods.) Paul. Bill. Godspeed. (Bill exits. Before Paul goes, Emma grabs his arm.)

EMMA: Paul. Remember. If those things get you, they’re gonna make you sing, and dance, and all that shit you hate… so don’t you let ‘em.

PAUL: Emma, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to draw a line in the sand. (He readies the shotgun) And I will never be in a fucking musical. (Paul heads off after Bill; Emma, Hidgens & Ted watch them go; Lights down…)

SCENE 11 Lights up on a HALLWAY in Hatchetfield High. The school is dark, misty, and eerily silent. Paul creeps in, cautiously. Bill runs on shouting… BILL: Alice?! Alice?!? Where are you, sweetie?!?

PAUL: Bill! Be quiet!

BILL: I gotta find her, Paul!

PAUL: We will, but you have to shut up. This whole school could be crawling with those… things! You screaming is gonna get us killed, and then who’s gonna save Alice?

BILL: Right. Right. Sorry, Paul. It’s just… she’s all I have.

PAUL: I know. Just try to stay calm and follow me. (He heads down the hallway and Bill follows, carrying the shotgun. It pokes Paul’s back. He jumps.) Could you point that someplace else?

BILL: Sorry. (beat) You know, she’s a good kid, Paul. She’s smart, and I respect her choices, but if we’re being honest… I don’t like Deb. She’s always on her phone, and I don’t know… I just think Alice could do better.

PAUL: Yeah, sure, Bill. (Paul is focused on trying to find the choir room, but he’s lost.) I’m a little turned around. This place is much bigger than Sycamore.

BILL: This morning, the knuckle-head I am, I said “Maybe you could try dating someone at your own school. In Clivesdale.” And she said, “You just don’t like Deb.” And what was I supposed to do? Lie? I said, “Why don’t you date someone like Grace Chasity?” And she goes, “No, Dad! Grace Chasity is a nerdy prude!” I go, “One: I said date somebody like her, and two: that’s not a very nice thing to say!” Suddenly I’m defending Grace Chasity, of all people, and Alice says, “You wish Grace was your daughter!” And I say, “At least she’s nice to me at church!” (beat) I think that fight is why she got off the bus to see Deb… Paul, I’m the reason she’s trapped here. Oh god, it’s my fault. (Bill’s voice breaks and tears well up in his eyes. Paul turns to him and grabs his arms.)

PAUL: Bill, listen to me. This is not your fault. (From a darkened hallway, a voice calls out…)

33

ALICE: Yes it is. (Bill’s daughter, Alice, emerges from the shadows, blue goo dripping from her mouth. Ominous music echoes.)

BILL: Alice…

ALICE: “It’s all your fault.” That’s the last thought I had before they broke down the door… (She sings…)

SONG - NOT YOUR SEED ALICE: I'm not your girl anymore…

I'm not that tween that you drove here for.

I'm not your girl anymore…

I over took her body with an infectious spore!

You let me out of your sight for one second

And look what happens:

Nightmare time!

It’s worst than you could imagine…

Not sex and not drugs,

Just alien invading minds!

No more family vacays together

Cuz your only daughter's under the weather.

And if you actually paid attention to me, you’d see…

I’m not your seed!

I’m not your angsty teen!

No matter what you believe

The apple’s fallen far from the tree…

(tears stream down Bill’s face; he reaches for Alice, Paul pulls him back)

BILL: Alice, no…

ALICE: (singing) It’s not my fault anymore…

No more curfews to be late for.

It’s not my fault anymore…

No more being worried and waiting by the door.

Did you know that I wanted to live with you?

(From all around, a chorus of doppelgänger teens creep and crawl onto the stage, including a singing Deb; they surround Paul & Bill and join in the song…)

CHORUS: Look what happens: Nightmare time!

ALICE: But when you needed to fight you gave her that too…

CHORUS: Aliens invading minds! (the Alice embraces the double Deb…)

ALICE: Did you know Mom let deb sleep over?

And you’re right about Deb. She’s a hardcore stoner!

And if you wonder what led your daughter astray…

Well, daddy wasn’t here to stay.

ALICE & CHORUS: Not your seed!

I’m not your perfect teen!

I’m fucking seventeen!

34

ALICE: At least i was before you left me…

(Bill is shattered. He watches Alice, transfixed and sobbing. Paul touches his shoulder.)

PAUL: Bill, we need to go, right now. (Bill whirls on Paul, pointing the shotgun at him.)

BILL: Back off, Paul! I’m not leaving without Alice!

PAUL: That’s not your daughter, Bill!

ALICE: (singing) Why does it hurt to love you?

Why am i in pain?

Why does it hurt to know you…

You’ll let me down again?

If I turn my insides out, would you even know that i was there?

Why does it hurt to love you?

Why does it hurt to love…

I’m not your seed!

CHORUS: Not your girl, not your girl…

ALICE: But now you’ll listen to me!

CHORUS: Listen to me, listen to me…

ALICE: After you let me bleed

CHORUS: Let me bleed, let me bleed…

ALICE: And now your daughter’s not a girl no more…

CHORUS: Girl no more…

Girl no more…

Not at all your seed!

ALICE: Cuz I’m not your girl anymore.

(In ruins, Bill has lost the will to live.)

BILL: I can’t do it, Paul. I can’t live in a world without my daughter… (He lifts the shotgun.)

PAUL: Bill, whatever you’re thinking, stop it.

BILL: I can’t live knowing that I’m the reason they got her… (Bill places the shotgun under his chin and gets ready to pull the trigger.)

PAUL: No, Bill! (Paul runs to Bill and grabs the gun. The two wrestle for the weapon.)

BILL: Just lemme do it, Paul! Just lemme die!

PAUL: NO!!! (Paul pulls the shotgun from Bill’s hands and throws it to the ground. He turns back to Bill, sincerely.) No, Bill! You’re my best friend! I am not gonna let you die! (Just then, Alice grabs the shotgun off the floor and blows Bill away! BANG! Bill’s body goes flying.) Bill! Oh god! Bill! (Alice readies the weapon again and points it to Paul; minus music echoes as Alice and the chorus of teens gather…)

ALICE: We just keep running into each other, don’t we, Paul? (Paul dives for cover behind a trash bin) “The guy who didn’t like musicals”… (As Paul scurries away as best he can manage, Alice cooly marches along after him) We have traveled across seas of stars, bending countless civilizations to our will, and yet you, Paul, have defied us thrice! (Alice shoulders the shotgun, takes aim at Paul, and fires; BANG! Paul ducks, narrowly escaping a blast that blows a hole in the lockers behind him)

35

PAUL: Holy shit! (Alice takes aim again, and pulls the trigger… but the shotgun is out of ammo. CLICK CLICK. Alice looks at the gun, annoyed, and tosses it aside)

ALICE: This puny human weapon is too quick a death for you, Paul. (She opens her mouth and lets out an ear piercing high note.) Ahhhhhhhhh! (From every direction, more alien students appear and close in on Paul.) We shall rend you limb from limb. You shall choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis… (Paul has nowhere to go; he’s surrounded; he curls into a ball on the floor; Alice closes in)

PAUL: Nononono… (Just as the students reach for Paul, the doors to the school burst open… and SOLDIERS of the United States military rush in! They open fire on the alien doubles, who howl and scatter; BANG BANG BANG! A soldier points his gun at Paul, who throws up his arms)

PAUL: Ah! Ah! Wait! Wait! I’m not one of ‘em! I human! I’m human! (The soldier smacks Paul in the face with the hilt of his gun; THUD! Lights out…)

SCENE 12 Lights up on Professor Hidgens’ LABORATORY; Ted sips bourbon in the corner as Hidgens & Emma as they examine Charlotte & Sam’s half-dissected corpses…) PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Remarkable. Simply remarkable. Tell me, Emma, how do you explain an entire race of beings spontaneously breaking into song and dance? How do they all know the words? The choreography?

EMMA: I don’t know… They’re gettin’ orders from the mothership?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You’re not far off. (from the corner, Ted calls to them)

TED: You guys still not talking to me?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: What we’re dealing with is a collective consciousness. A hive mind…

TED: Look, I’m sorry if I’m a little on edge today. Ok? I lost someone too, ya know?! (he looks at Charlotte’s body and weeps)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: On one level, they are individuals. Almost perfect copies of their former selves. But on another level they are appendages of much larger organism. Controlled by a… conductor, if you will.

EMMA: So this conductor came down in the meteor?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Or it is the meteor.

EMMA: And it wants to kill us all so it can resurrect us as part of its shitty musical?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: That’s one way of putting it. You could also say it’s… uniting us in a common purpose. Imagine if this entity did spread to the entire planet. It might achieve what fifty thousand years of human civilization never could… World peace.

EMMA: Yeah, but everyone would have to die.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Which would be terrible, of course. But humanity wouldn’t be gone, it would be assimilated. A marriage of two star-crossed species. Not extinction. Evolution. A new race existing in perfect, three-part harmony. It’s really quite beautiful.

EMMA: Ok… but how do we stop it?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Yes, yes. Stop it. Of course… (Hidgens is lost in thought)

36

EMMA: This all started with the meteor. It’s conducting everything. If we take it out, will all these things just… die?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: That’s a sound theory… (Hitchens removes a syringe from his coat pocket) Which is why it must never leave this room.

EMMA: What?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I’m sorry, Emma. (He jams the needle into Emma’s neck and presses the plunger) Shshsh… Don’t fight it, Emma. Don’t fight it. (Emma looses consciousness; Ted just stands there in shock)

TED: Holy shit! (Hidgens removes the syringe from Emma’s neck and advances…)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Come here, Ted, you horny bastard. (Ted backs away, Hidgens pursues) TED: No. Please. Not me. No! NOOOOO!!! (Hidgens pounces; Lights out…)

SCENE 13 A harsh light flicks on, shining down on Paul seated in a makeshift INTERROGATION ROOM. Armed soldiers stand sentry at the door. Paul groggily comes to… PAUL: Ugh… (GENERAL MCNAMARA enters. He takes a seat across from Paul.)

MCNAMARA: Sorry for that bump on the head, son. You can never be too careful. What’s your name?

PAUL: Paul… Matthews…

MCNAMARA: Good evening, Paul. My name is General John McNamara of the United States Military, special unit P.E.I.P. We call it “peip.” (pronounced ‘peep’)

PAUL: P.E.I.P.? I’ve never heard of you guys.

MCNAMARA: And you never will. Not a peep. (he lights a cigar) That’s a joke, son. We have the unenviable task of cleaning up messes of a certain nature. Situations like what we got here in Hatchetfield.

PAUL: Are you saying stuff like this has happened before?

MCNAMARA: That is classified. Our agents in town led us to believe the entire population had been infected by an alien contagion. Quite frankly, I’m shocked to find a survivor like yourself.

PAUL: Wait. There were secret government agents stationed in Hatchetfield? Why?

MCNAMARA: That is also classified. I got some bad news for you, Paul. My unit was sent to make a clean sweep of what was once your town. (He removes his gun from it’s holster and sets it on the table, keeping his finger on the trigger.) No loose ends. No survivors.

PAUL: Woah, woah, woah! So you’re just gonna kill me?

MCNAMARA: Those are my orders. But there is one thing you had better hurry up and know about me. I love my country, but the experiences I’ve accrued throughout my tenure with this organization have given me given me a deeper understanding of the cosmos and our place in it. I follow a higher law than any institution could decree, and that is the universal truth of love and the strength of the human heart. So I’m gonna bend the rules for you a little bit, Paul. I have an evac chopper touching down in Oakley 37

Park at twenty three hundred hours. That is eleven-o-clock in the pm. (He holds out his arm, showing Paul his watch.) Synchronize your timepiece with mine. (Paul takes out his phone and fumbles with it.) Is that an iPhone? (He takes Paul’s phone and smashes it on the ground.) Wear a watch. Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe. It deserves its own tool of measurement. (He takes off his watch and gives it to Paul.) You survive til then, and there’s a seat on that chopper with your name on it. (McNamara gets up to leave; after a beat, Paul calls out to him…)

PAUL: Wait. General McNamara. (McNamara pauses) I can’t leave without Emma.

MCNAMARA: Who’s Emma?

PAUL: A… a friend of mine.

MCNAMARA: Friends don’t move my heart, Paul. Is there a chance at something more?

PAUL: I think so… I’d like there to be. (Paul thinks about it) I want there to be.

MCNAMARA: (cracks a smirk) Then you must act with integrity and a noble spirit.

PAUL: So can you send someone to go get her?

MCNAMARA: That’s a negative. Our objective is to contain and clean. This is not a rescue mission. So you know what that means… (He points his gun at Paul, who winces; Then he twirls the gun around, offering it to Paul…) I am authorizing you to use my firearm, retrieve Emma, and get your ass to Oakley Park in two hours time. (Paul takes the gun; McNamara offers Paul his hand) My intuition tells me that the universe has brought us together, Paul, and I always trust my intuition.

PAUL: Thank you, sir. (Paul takes his hand)

MCNAMARA: You can thank me when we’re both safe in Clivesdale sharing a cup of coffee. Do you like coffee, Paul?

PAUL: Yes, sir.

MCNAMARA: Do you like musicals?

PAUL: No, sir. (McNamara drops his hand, stares at Paul for a tense moment… and salutes him)

MCNAMARA: Now that’s a goddamn, red-blooded American. I’ll see you on that chopper. (He shouts to the surrounding soldiers) Let’s move out! (Lights down…)

SCENE 14 Lights up on Hidgens’ PARLOR. Emma and Ted sit unconscious, strapped to chairs (of a similar nature to the one Sam was confined to earlier). Emma’s eyes blink open. After she realizes where she is, she struggles to free herself to no avail. She calls to Ted… EMMA: Hey. Hey! (Ted comes to; He looks down to find himself trapped)

TED: Wha… What the fuck!? (As Ted attempts to escape his restraints, Hidgens emerges from the shadows, his revolver in hand…)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: So, you’re finally awake. (He sets his revolver down on a large something covered in a white sheet)

EMMA: Professor Hidgens, what are you doing?

38

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Exactly what needs to be done, Emma. You see, I’ve spent the last few hours considering every possible outcome to our current predicament and have settled upon the only logical course of action… Alexa, open the gates. Turn off the fences. Shut it all down. (the Amazon Echo next to the tv lights up; in the distance, mechanical noises clank; locked doors swing open…)

EMMA: Professor, the fences are all that’s protecting us!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Protecting us from what, Emma? The end of the world? What’s protecting us from nuclear holocaust? From climate change? Over-population? Emma… the world was already doomed. Not by them, but by us! All my research, my theories… It’s been a waste! A lie! I was trying to save something that could not be saved… until now. But before we can be reborn to a better world, we must first say our goodbyes. (he approaches his Echo) Alexa, after all these years in isolation, with you as my one companion, I’ve come to love you as much as I’ve loved any woman of flesh and blood. That’s why it pains me to have to do this. (beat) Alexa, initiate self destruct.

EMMA: I don’t think it can do that, Professor.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s 2018 and it can’t even blow itself up?!? Fucking piece of shit!!! (he throws the Amazon Echo to the ground and stomps it to pieces)

TED: Please! Just let us go, man!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Ted. Don’t you two see? If humanity is going to survive, it must evolve! That’s what this visitor from the stars has brought us! Salvation! This is humanity’s second chance! My second chance! (He walks to the large something covered in a white sheet and runs his hand across the top of it.)

EMMA: Please, Professor. Think about what you’re doing…

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Did you know that before I became a biologist, I had a much truer and deeper passion? Yes. My first love was, and always will be… musical theatre! (He rips the white sheet off what is revealed to be… a piano!)

EMMA: Oh, God no.

TED: This guy’s fuckin’ nuts! (Hidgens pulls up a bench and sits at the piano.)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: My examination of the creature you once called Charlotte has led to an amazing discovery. These alien organisms have a highly specialized gland that allows them to communicate through rhythmic frequencies. They are drawn to music, like a moth to the flame! (He cracks his knuckles and prepares to hit the keys.)

EMMA: Professor! Please! No!

TED: Don’t fuckin’ do it!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: This is humanity’s eleventh hour! And I’ve prepared something for the occasion… (He begins to tickle the ivories and sing…)

SONG - SHOWSTOPPIN’ NUMBER PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s a showstoppin’ number.

A real showstopper.

A show stoppin’ number, come on.

Something to shock ‘em,

To bring them a-crawlin’.

A big time box office draw.

39

With the press and the glamour,

We’ll kill the reviews.

Spotlight on Mr. Ingenue.

So fill up your tumbler…

Got a show stopping number for you!

EMMA: (pleading) Professor! Stop! If they find us, they’ll kill us!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: And rebuild us as our better selves!

(singing)

A showstoppin’ number

Is something you die for.

A real catchy ear-wormy tune.

An award-winning score

That seeps in and out of your pores.

A ditty to make the chorus girls swoon!

It’ll unify humanity

In a thundering chorus!

No exits in this Broadway venue.

So splash those shiny cymbals…

Got a show stopping hymnal for you!

(He stops singing, but continues playing the piano as he monologues.)

This song’s pretty good, huh? Bet you didn’t know I was also a composer! In fact, while I’ve been preparing for the apocalypse, I’ve also been writing my own musical! Do mind if I give you the pitch?

TED: (crying) I wanna go home!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s called “Workin’ Boys: A New Musical!” It’s the story of a group of old college chums. Sure, they’ve found “success” in the business world. Still, they can’t help but long for the simpler times, back in that beat-up old house on the edge of campus. But those glory days are gone for good… Or are they? Here’s the title number! (He pounds the keys and sings again…)

Business calls!

I’m up to my ass in shit!

What is this business?

Markets are crashing

And I’m at the end of my wits!

I just can’t take it,

When all I want to do

Is spend the day with

Greg, and Steve, and Stu,

and Mark, and Leighton, and Chad…

(As the song continues beneath, Professor Hidgens proceeds to act out the opening scene of ‘Workin’ Boys’…)

Ring! Ring! (out of character) The phone rings. I answer it. (back in character) Oh hey, Greg. I’m swamped...with business! Stocks, bonds, golden parachutes. (beat) Remember those days on the football field, Greg? Last weekend feels like ages ago… (after a beat, getting excited) Today? After work? On the football field? The old stompin’ grounds, eh Greg? Just me and you… and Stu… and Steve…. and Mark…. 40

and Leighton… and Chad? (beat) Five o’clock! I’ll see you then, Greg! I’ll see you then… (He mimes hanging up an imaginary phone. Looks at it fondly, then explodes back into song and dance…)

All I want to do

Is spend the day with

Steve and…

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

I can’t wait to get home to my boys!

(He takes center stage in a one-man kick-line…)

A showstoppin’ number!

A real showstopper!

An aria to rule them all!

They’ll throw us their money

At full price admission.

The world will come crumbling down.

Hamilton move over!

You’re new competition’s in town!

(Suddenly, the door swings open and CHORUS MEMBER 1 enters, greeting Hidgens as if he was an old friend.)

CHORUS MEMBER 1: Hey, Henry.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: (completely delusional) Greg! Is that really you?

EMMA: No, Professor Hidgens. That’s not Greg!

CHORUS MEMBER 1: Been a long time. (CHORUS MEMBER 2 climbs in through the window.)

CHORUS MEMBER 2: Hey, boys! Wanna toss that pigskin around?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Stu! You haven’t aged a day! Is it five-o-clock already?

CHORUS MEMBER 1: Come on, Henry. We have some catching up to do. (The alien chorus members join in the song. Hidgens gleefully embraces them. They all begin leaping and twirling.)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS & CHORUS: Workin boys, we’re up in our ass in shit!

What is this business?!?

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

Five-o-clock can’t come soon enough!

I can’t wait to get home to my boys!

(As Hidgens dances, Ted looks up to the sky and begs…)

TED: Oh God! Please! If you save me now, I promise I’ll be a better person! (Just then, Paul pops up between Ted & Emma with the keys to their restraints)

PAUL: It’s ok, guys. I’m here.

TED & EMMA: Paul! (Paul puts a finger to his lips)

PAUL: Shhh. We gotta get outta here while they’re distracted. (Paul unties Emma and Ted. They all sneak out of the parlor as the chorus lifts Hidgens into the air)

41

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Yes! Yes! Take me! Make me one of you! (The chorus starts pulling at Hidgens’ limbs, grabbing his soft flesh) Ouh. (Hidgens realizes that the aliens are about to violently murder him.) Wait. Wait. Can’t you just puke some of that blue shit into my mouth? (Chorus Member 1 rips into Hidgens’ belly) AH! No! NO! (The chorus starts pulling Hidgens’ guts and organs out of his body) AHHHHHH!!!!! (The chorus rips Hidgens’ into pieces, tearing him limb from limb; Lights down…)

SCENE 15

Lights up on the WOODS outside. Paul, Emma & Ted rush on, escaping Hidgens’ house… EMMA: Oh, Paul… (She throws her arms around him) Where’s Bill?

PAUL: He… He didn’t make it. (He hangs his head for a beat, then…) Now come on. The military has a helicopter coming to pick us up. We gotta get to Oakley Park in… (checks his watch) Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it. (As Paul and Emma start to hurry off, Ted stops them)

TED: Paul, wait. I got something I wanna say.

PAUL: Not now, Ted…

TED: Yes now! Today has… broken me. I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted. With Bill earlier. I wanted to abandon Emma back there. I wish I could be brave… like you.

EMMA: Shut the fuck up, man! We gotta go!

TED: See, I deserve any kind of abuse you wanna give me. I’ve been a grade-A asshole. But I swear I’m gonna be a better person. Cuz today I learned what’s really important. It’s the people you care about. And Paul, I’ve always considered you my best friend. (Suddenly a chorus member pops out of the door to Hidgens’ house and grabs Paul!)

CHORUS MEMBER 2: RARGH! (Ted immediately turns tail and runs for it)

TED: OOOOOOOOOkay! I’m gonna run away while they eat you! (Emma calls after Ted as she attempts to pull Paul from the chorus member’s grasp)

EMMA: Hey! Get back here and help, you fuckin’ coward!

TED: (as he runs away) I said I’d be a better person! I’m still not a good person! (Lights fade on Emma and Paul as Ted gets a safe distance away from them. He stops to catch his breath and look around.) Okay… Alright… I just gotta make it to the chopper. (Just then, Ted hears the sound of marching troops. He looks off to see a group of approaching soldiers.) Woah! It’s the military! Oh thank fucking God! Over here! I’m over here! (He waves his arms and hops up and down.) Everyone else is dead, just save me! (The soldiers, led by McNamara file on. Ted approaches them.) Oh, you guys are a sight for sore eyes. You know, I always supported the troops. I bleed red, white, and… (Before he can even see it coming, McNamara draws his pistol and shoots Ted in the head. BANG! As Ted’s dead body hits the ground, music blares. McNamara opens his mouth, letting blue goo ooze out, and starts to sing…)

SONG - RED BLOODED ‘MERICAN

42

MCNAMARA: No coward or bastard ever won a war by dying for his country!

He won it by twinkling his toes and shouting rather loudly.

Americans should be unison,

No dissenting opinion or factual spin.

Get off your butts and learn to pull the pin!

To be a goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded ‘Merican!

To be a goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded ‘Merican!

(Emma pulls Paul onstage, having just saved him from the chorus member’s clutches)

PAUL: Thank you, Emma. (Paul notices Ted’s dead body in the distance, hears the music in the air, and sees McNamara dancing about) Oh god no… General McNamara. They got you too.

EMMA: Who’s General McNamara?

PAUL: He was a good man. (One of the soldiers accompanying McNamara spots Paul and shouts…)

SOLDIER 1: Sir! It’s Paul!

PAUL: Run, Emma! Run! (Paul and Emma make a break for it as McNamara and his troops give chase through the woods. As he pursues, McNamara sings…)

MACNAMARA: Step in time you maggot, this isn’t a drill,

And follow the group think.

This isn’t your grandpa’s army.

We think for ourselves…

We just happen to similarly stink!

Identity politics. Join the fight.

One size fits all, and it fits just right!

A jete turn and a pirouette and you just might…

Be a goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded ‘Merican!

To be a goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded ‘Merican!

(Paul and Emma run through the woods as the soldiers dance after them)

PAUL: Keep going, Emma! We can still make it to the chopper! (As they try to make it to Oakley Park in time, McNamara’s soldiers cut them off at every turn. Paul and Emma narrowly slip past as soldiers flood the stage, singing…)

SOLDIERS: I don’t know what you’ve been told.

Americans gotta fit a mold!

Keep that sound on,

Then you sound off.

I don’t know what you’ve been told.

Americans gotta fit a mold!

Keep that sound on,

Then you sound off.

(The sound of a helicopter WHOOSHES overhead; Emma points to it)

EMMA: Up there, Paul! The helicopter!

43

PAUL: We’re down here! We’re down here! (Paul and Emma wave their arms, trying to get the chopper’s attention; Suddenly, McNamara appears before them) Oh shit! (McNamara knocks Paul to the ground, stands over him and sings…)

MCNAMARA: If this offends you, Paul, don’t worry, son.

It has to often me too.

We’re in this together, like it or not.

What affects me better ‘fect you.

Step in time, never out of line.

Two party system, one hive mind.

If it’s guns or Kim Kardashians,

You best be aligned as a…

Goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded ‘Merican!

To be a goddamn, red-blooded American!

You gotta be a goddamn, red-blooded…

Color-coded, corporate funded,

Never rebutted, always insulted,

Always disgusted, crusted, dickless pig!

(He picks Paul up by the neck…)

Join the fight!

(Just as McNamara is about to snap Paul’s neck, Emma grabs his gun and shoots his arm; He drops Paul; Paul and Emma run off as the stage fills with the sound of a helicopter touching down; McNamara howls; Lights down…)



SCENE 16

Lights up on the interior of the HELICOPTER; A helmeted PILOT sits in the front seat; Paul and Emma crawl into the back… EMMA: We made it! Oh my god, Paul! We made it!

PAUL: (to pilot) No one else is coming! They’ve all been infected! Get us outta here! (The pilot pulls on the controls and the chopper takes to the air; Paul and Emma flop into the seats in the back, finally getting a moment to catch their breath)

EMMA: Oh… Yes. I thought I was gonna die… in fucking Hatchetfield. But I’m not. Paul, we’re not gonna die! We’re gettin’ outta this shitty town! And this time, I’m never coming back! (Emma stands, leans out the side of the helicopter and flips the town the bird) Fuck you, Hatchetfield!

PAUL: Emma! Seatbelts! It’s a little bumpy! (Paul has safely fastened his seatbelt; Emma ignores him and grabs the pilot’s shoulder)

EMMA: Thank you, man! You saved our asses… (The helicopter bounces through a bit of turbulence; Emma stumbles)

PAUL & EMMA: Op! (Beside Paul, a DEAD BODY flops out from a compartment it was hidden in; Paul stares at it)

PAUL: Uh… Emma…

EMMA: (noticing the body as well) What the hell?

44

PAUL: Excuse me, pilot! There’s a dead body back here! (The pilot doesn’t respond)

EMMA: Hey, pilot! (Emma grabs the pilot’s arm) Hey! (The pilot spins around and removes her helmet, revealing herself to be… Zoey! She smiles and sings…)

ZOEY: (singing) Hey, Mr. Business, how do you do?

EMMA: Zoey?

ZOEY: Can we get a triple for you? (Zoey removes a handgun from the holster on her stolen pilot’s uniform; She points the gun at Paul and Emma…)

EMMA & PAUL: AHHHHH!!!! (As Zoey pulls the trigger, Emma knocks her arm upward; The gun goes off and shoots out the helicopter’s windshield; BANG! SMASH! Emma wrestles with Zoey as the chopper spins out of control, plummeting to the ground! CRASH! Lights down…)

SCENE 17

Lights up on the helicopter CRASH SITE; The chopper lies in mangled pieces, but Paul still sits safely buckled into his seat; He climbs from the wreckage in search of Emma… PAUL: Emma? Emma?! Emma, where are you? (He thinks he spots her behind a piece of debris) Em… (He lifts a sheet of metal to find Zoey, a helicopter blade stabbed through her shoulder; Blue ooze gushes from her mouth and wounds; She sings…)

ZOEY: It’s a cup of roasted coffee!

PAUL: AH! (Paul slams the sheet of metal onto Zoey’s head, resetting her song…)

ZOEY: Cup of roast… (Paul slams her head again) Cup of ro… (Paul slams her head repeatedly and Zoey starts skipping like a broken record) Cup… Cuh… Cuuuuhhhh… (Eventually, Zoey’s voices slows, distorts, and stops as she finally dies. Paul sighs with relief, and Emma comes crawling onstage)

EMMA: Paul?

PAUL: Emma! (Paul rushes to Emma’s side; She lifts her leg, revealing a metal pipe that has stabbed through it completely) Oh, god! Emma! Your leg!

EMMA: Oh… fuck! (Emma winces in pain; Blood pours from her leg)

PAUL: Emma, I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for…

EMMA: (in unspeakable agony) Shiiiit!

PAUL: Emma, come on. We gotta get outta here. We’re still in Hatchetfield. We need to get to the shore. We gotta find a boat, or… (Paul attempts to lift Emma to her feet, but the pain is too much for her to bare)

EMMA: AHHH! I can’t! I can’t… I can’t move, Paul. I’m not getting off this island…

PAUL: But those… things… They’ll find us, eventually…

EMMA: That’s why you gotta fuckin’ kill ‘em before they do… (Emma composes herself; She grabs Paul’s shirt) The meteor, Paul. You have to destroy the meteor. It’s the hive’s mind… It’s like that thing your friend said…

PAUL: Which friend? Bill? Ted? Charlotte?

EMMA: I don’t know your friends’ fuckin’ names! The meteor is the head! You take out the head, and whole thing goes down…

45

PAUL: Ok. Ok. (Paul looks around; He sees a belt of grenades hanging from Zoey’s dead body; He removes it and straps it across his chest) So I gotta get to the Starlight Theater, destroy the meteor, and all these things will just drop dead?

EMMA: I sure as shit hope so.

PAUL: Ok, you stay here and try to hang on.

EMMA: I will. Just gimme… gimme a seatbelt. (She points to a seatbelt that’s been severed from its place in the helicopter)

PAUL: Well, I think it’s a little late for that, Emma.

EMMA: To make a fuckin’ tourniquet!

PAUL: Right. Sorry. (Paul takes the seatbelt and wraps it around Emma’s leg to stop the bleeding; While he works, Emma looks up at him)

EMMA: Paul, I know why you came to Beanie’s all the time, and it wasn’t the shit coffee… We served bad coffee, cuz we didn’t care… Sometimes we’d spit in it. You may have drank some of my spit, and I’m sorry for that. But I didn’t know you, and I wish I would of… Paul, if we get through this, I’d like to go see a nice, silent movie with you sometime… But in case we don’t make it… (beat) Kiss me.

PAUL: Ok… (Paul leans in to kiss Emma, but before he can, she coughs up blood in his face)

EMMA: Bluh! (Paul recoils, grossed out)

PAUL: Oh, Emma.

EMMA: Sorry. I think that’s all of it. Get on back in here. (She beckons for Paul to try the kiss again; He shakes his head)

PAUL: No, Emma. I’d rather not.

EMMA: Yeah. Fuck it. Get outta here. (Paul gets up to leave, but stops to glance back at Emma one last time. She nods to him.) Paul, go stop this thing… (He exits. Lights down…)



SCENE 18 Lights up on the STARLIGHT THEATER. The entire place is crawling with the alien chorus. They dance in from every direction, singing… SONG - LET HIM COME - A half-reprise of the show’s opening number. The chorus narrate as Paul makes his way across town towards the theater. Throughout the number, it becomes apparent that they’re letting Paul get to the meteor for some mysterious reason… CHORUS: (singing) Did you hear the word?

What’s the word?

He’s a-comin’!

Who’s a-comin?

Paul’s a-comin!

Paul’s a-comin?

CHORUS MEMBER 1: Let him come.

46

(By the end of the number, Paul has reached the center of Hatchetfield to find…)

PAUL: The old Starlight Theater… (Pauls crawls through police tape and debris, into the half-destroyed, old building; In the midnight moonlight, Paul can see the jagged meteor, pulsating with an eerie blue glow) There it is… the meteor. (A familiar voice calls out from the shadows…)

BILL: We’ve been waiting for you, Paul. (Bill enters, blue slime dripping from his glowing mouth)

PAUL: Bill! St… Stay back. (Paul grabs one of the grenades from the belt strapped to his chest and threatens to pull the pin. Just then, an alien double of Ted appears.)

TED: Watch out, Paul. He might kick your head.

CHARLOTTE: And that would be la dee da da dah! (Charlotte enters, smiling.)

PAUL: Ted! Charlotte! (The reborn Professor Hidgens reveals himself.)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: All your friends are here, Paul. (Mr. Davidson slinks in)

MR. DAVIDSON: We’re happy now, Paul. We got what we wanted!

PAUL: No, no… Mr. Davidson didn’t want to become a mindless, alien slave. He wanted to be choked by his wife while he jerked off. Well, I’m gonna put a stop to this. (The Greenpeace Canvasser walks out from behind the meteor)

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: I thought you weren’t interested in saving the planet.

PAUL: Back off, Greenpeace girl. You see this? (referring to his grenade) I pull this pin and you’re all toast.

CHARLOTTE: You won’t do that, Paul.

PAUL: I sure as hell will!

MR. DAVIDSON: What about you, Paul? You’ll die too. Is that what you want?

PAUL: (a beat, then defiantly) Doesn’t matter what I want!

BILL: We think it does, Paul.

TED: And we wanna hear about it.

MR. DAVIDSON: In fact, we think there’s a song in you yet… (Paul’s doppelgänger friends begin to sing…)

SONG - LET IT OUT MR. DAVIDSON: What’s in your soul?

Is your heart so damp and bleak

That you won’t give us a peek

Of your soul?

CHARLOTTE: Just let it out.

There’s a voice in side of you

On the edge of comin’ through.

What’s it about?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: And I know it’s a singular voice, Paul.

All you gotta do is give up your choice!

ALL: Just let it out, let it out, let it out!

Let it out, let it out, let it out!

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Just let it out, let it out, let it out!

Let it out, let it out… (Suddenly, Paul belts out a note, joining in…)

PAUL: Never!

(Paul covers his mouth in utter shock.) What was that?!?

GREENPEACE CANVASSER: He let it out!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s your proximity to the meteor, Paul. The air here is thick with its spores! Feel your apotheosis begin as they take root in your mind! Do you really think we’d let you kill us? You’ll be one of us before you can pull that pin! (Paul’s body begins to twist as more of the song spills from his mouth…)

PAUL: Was that a note

Or just a sound?

Am i finally coming ‘round

To a rhyming’ scheme?

Stop it!

I’m split in two.

Is this me or is this you?!?

Am I dead?

I’m coming apart at the seams!

La da da da da da da da daaa…

No no no no no no no noooo!

ALL: Let it out, let it out, let it out!

(Paul vomits up blue ooze.)

Let it out, let it out, let it out!

(Paul vomits again.)

Let it out, let it out, let it…

(The lights fade on everyone but Paul. He stands center stage. He looks around at the world with new eyes. He sings…)

PAUL: I’ve never been happy.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Is this the secret:

Singing and dancing through life?

Is my integrity

Worth anything at all?

But happiness can’t come before its fall.

Am I crazy?!

Maybe I’ve always been…

I’ve become what I’ve hated.

Or maybe I never did.

It’s awful freeing now,

To share the hate I’ve felt,

But what will I let in if I let it out?

ALL: Let it out, let it out, let it out!

PAUL: Am I crazy? I don’t think so!

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ALL: Let it out, let it out, let it out!

PAUL: Maybe I’ve always been!

MR. DAVIDSON: Yes, Paul!

ALL: Let it out, let it out, let it out!

PAUL: God help me out, if I let it….

OOOOOOUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!!!

(As the song swells to a climax, Paul grabs the grenade. With every last bit of strength he has… he pulls the pin!)

ALL: NO! WE CANNOT BE RESISTED!!! (Paul, fighting the alien spores ravaging his body from the inside out, raises the grenade into the air…)

PAUL: I DON’T LIKE… MUSICALS!!!!! (Paul throws the grenade at the meteor! The alien doubles howl in despair!)

ALL: RAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! (The grenade hits the meteor and… BOOOOOOOOM!!! Lights down…)

SCENE 19

Lights up on a HOSPITAL ROOM in Clivesdale, weeks later; COLONEL SCHAFFER, a military officer who has taken over command of P.E.I.P. following General MacNamara’s disappearance, sits by a closed hospital curtain, watching TV… NEWS NARRATION: This is Clivesdale Morning News with Rod and Racheal.

RACHEAL: Good morning. I’m Racheal Muller.

ROD: And I’m Rod Scott.

RACHEAL: It’s been two weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield. Candlelight vigils line the streets as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this unspeakable loss.

ROD: Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield gone in the blink of an eye. A meteor and a ruptured gas line was all it took to wipe them off the map, but it will take much, much more to wipe them from our hearts. (A NURSE appears from behind the hospital curtain. Colonel Schaffer sees her and rises.) Reconstruction efforts have already begun, as… (Schaffer clicks off the television and addresses the nurse.)

COLONEL SCHAFFER: Is she ready to go? (The nurse nods and pulls back the hospital curtain to reveal… Emma. She hobbles towards Schaffer, using a cane.) How’s that leg doing, Kelly?

EMMA: Ugh, why’d it have to be ‘Kelly’? I loved my old name. Couldn’t you have picked something close? Like ‘Emily’?

COLONEL SCHAFFER: That is a negative, Kelly. You’ll get used to it. We don’t want anyone making any connection between you and Emma Perkins, who perished in the Hatchetfield catastrophe.

EMMA: You could’ve at least given me a cool death. Something my friends coulda bragged about at parties. Like ‘my friend Emma got her flesh melted off trying to shield a child.’ Something heroic. I mean, it was my idea to destroy the meteor.

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COLONEL SCHAFFER: And Uncle Sam is not ungrateful. Kelly, this is for you. (She hands Emma an envelope.) Inside you’ll find a new passport, social security card, and the deed to a five acre plot of land in Colorado. Green. Fertile. Hell of a place to grow some cannabis.

EMMA: Thank you. (beat) Colonel Schaffer, are you sure I was the only survivor?

COLONEL SCHAFFER: We’ve been through this, Kelly. There were no survivors. Save one pocket-sized squirrel found burrowed into the body of a United States veteran.

EMMA: Peanuts! I’m glad he made it outta there.

COLONEL SCHAFFER: Now, that’s a story we can disclose to the public. In the wake of a tragedy like this, a little bit of good news goes a long way. (Emma looks at Schaffer, solemnly.)

EMMA: It’s just… Paul…

COLONEL SCHAFFER: He was a good man. If not for his sacrifice, the outbreak could’ve spread to the mainland. Hatchetfield could be contained, but if it got loose here in Clivesdale, there’d be no stopping it. Your friend may have very well saved the planet, single-handedly. (Schaffer puts on her hat.) Goodbye, Kelly. Good luck with the pot farm.

EMMA: Thanks. (Schaffer heads for the door, but before she leaves, she turns back to Emma.)

COLONEL SCHAFFER: Oh, and one last thing. You will be escorted to Colorado by a Mr. Ben Bridges. He’s waiting outside.

EMMA: I don’t know any Ben Bridges.

COLONEL SCHAFFER: According to our records, you two are quite close friends. Peip would like to see it become something more. (Schaffer opens the door… and Paul enters!)

EMMA: Paul? Holy shit, Paul!!! (Emma runs to him. She throws her arms around him and buries her face in his chest.) Oh, thank god. You made it. Paul. We made it. (She smiles up at him. He smiles back. As he does, blue goo drips out from between his teeth. He tilts his head back, and starts to sing…)

SONG - INEVITABLE PAUL: Emma, I'm sorry you lost…

EMMA: (backing away) Paul… What are you doing? (Paul keeps singing)

PAUL: Emma, I'm sorry you lost your way.

EMMA: (speaking) Paul, stop…You’re frightening me!

PAUL: (singing) But what if I told you I made it

And this is the life that i chose?

Would you even believe it, Emma?

Do you believe in ghosts?

What if I told you a story

That settles all the dust?

I'm still the man you trust… (Schaffer sees Paul singing)

COLONEL SCHAFFER: What the fuck?

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PAUL: (singing to Emma) It’s inevitable for us!

COLONEL SCHAFFER: (She pulls her gun on Paul, but before she can do anything, the nurse jumps on her back and bites a chunk of flesh from her neck!) AHHHH!!! (Blood sprays. Schaffer falls to the ground. Paul approaches Emma…)
 EMMA: Stay the fuck away from me! You’re not Paul! You’re one of them!

PAUL: (singing) Before I had no ambition,

But now my life is a song!

Don’t you want to see me happy?

Is that so tragically wrong?

What if the only choice is:

You have to sing to survive?

We must go on with the show!

It’s inevitable…

(As Paul continues, the nurse and other chorus members join in his song…)

To know what I want now!

Emma, I want you to join the party.

Aren't you going to tip me?

NURSE & CHORUS: Get your cup of coffee!

PAUL: Look at the fun we’re having already!

I’ve found my calling! You can do the same now.

Put your words to lyrics and you’re playing the game now.

It’s all there is and all there ever was…

EMMA!

Let me puke in your mouth, Em.

Just open your food bin, girl,

Then you can join the hive!

And show me those…

(More chorus members enter from every direction, joining in the dance…)

PAUL & CHORUS: Hands!

Show me those jazz hands!

Get ‘em up

Or you’re shit out of luck!

Show me those hands.

Show me those jazz hands,

Or I might be inclined to…

PAUL: Plant my seed!

CHORUS: Ooooh!

PAUL: The hive needs to feed!

CHORUS: Ooooh!

PAUL: Happiness is guaranteed…

CHORUS: Aaaahoooh!

PAUL: If you just give us one last…

PAUL & CHORUS: Showstoppin' number

With Emma front and center…

A kick line is inevitable!

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What if i told you a story:

How the world became peaceful and just!

It was inevitable…

Inevitable…

Inevitable...

PAUL: The apotheosis is upon…

PAUL & CHORUS: US!!!

(Emma watches in horror as the song ends in one last, remarkable tableau! Lights go down. When they come up again for the curtain call, Emma still looks on, absolutely terrified.)

EMMA: Oh no! OH GOD, NO! Who are you bowing to?!? There’s nobody there!!! (The chorus lifts Emma into the air.) Oh no! Help me! Somebody! HEEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!! (The chorus carries Emma off to her doom…)

THE END

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